What is "stonewalling"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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- Опубликовано: 25 апр 2020
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Stonewalling is often used by narcissists to avoid all responsibilities.
Yes because if a problem doesn't get solved you then will have to do it alone so they're out.
It's not just narcs that stone wall but yes, i can see narcissists employing this as a favorite tool to evade accountability because that's what they do.
yup--Playing dumb, refusing to acknowledge infantile refusal to take responsibility for being an adult and valuing relationship with someone who has been a true friend, et al.
@@katherineprongos3929 They are emotionally stunted people and on the extreme end of the emotional immaturity scale. You can recognize them by their infantile temper tantrums, extreme hubris and false pride, and their inability to admit wrongdoings. They are the most emotionally selfish people you will ever encounter and people need to avoid them at all costs. If your putting up with this shit right now in your life, its time to clean house.
@@carrie8541 For the record, I severed the cord...twice, the last time over a year ago (the first time he conned me into reconnecting for awhile), the second I just let loose in two e-mails. Unfortunately he has 3 children who will put up with him for obvious reasons. Oh, and 3 failed marriages!
I find that MANY people stonewall, especially in romantic relationships when they don't want to admit they're treating you badly or they want to string you along, and no matter who does it, it's rude, disrespectful and childish. Don't waste your time on someone who would do this to you.
I'm still trying to recover from it
DaToNyOyO Spoken like an asshat who utilizes this tactic
This happened to me recently! He REFUSED to talk about his intentions with me, and it took him 4 months to tell me what he wanted-i.e he just left me out of no where. I didn’t know there was a term for this until now.
@@shahleenahmed389 Good riddance! You don't need that poison in your life!
Joanna Payne Meh, there’s a yin and a yang with everything, and it’s easy to pull out a DSM and slap a label on another person’s behavior while overlooking the role both parties played in the conflict. Personally, I’ve been in situations where it made sense for everyone to come to the table and reach an amicable resolution, and I’ve been in some where there was nothing to talk about and it felt useless to talk about anything. There’s no one size fits all approach to conflicts, and with some rare exceptions, there usually aren’t any perfect victims in a dispute.
If someone uses stonewalling as a tactic, that is the end of a relationship with me.
Im proud of you Dawn
Me too! Love this comment
Same here! I just ended one in the midst of him trying to stonewall me. Now he is pretending to everyone like it is a mutual breakup, but I was the one who walked out b/c of emotional abuse and I know a co-dependent, controlling manipulator when I see one. I have no time for narcassistic issues and being controlled and shut down. Been there, done that!
I just decided to leave a family member for stonewalling me for the last time and now I will never again deal with anyone who stonewall me just once.
Just sent one packing and told to leave, just this evening
Never in my whole life have I encountered something that made me feel as crazy and out of control in my own self and reactions as repeated stonewalling. I thought I had seen it all and there is no way to describe how scary it feels unless you're in it.
Yes it’s like you are bring erased. It’s awful.
It's the worst feeling 😞
I want to give your comment 10 thumbs up Stephanie A. Some may see the person reacting to Stonewalling as over-reacting. It is a deep and emotional trigger that one doesn't see happening in the moment. I couldn't believe my reaction to my stonewaller. After several incidents, I finally just walked away still carrying some shame of my reaction. But, I now know it was just self preservation.
I am mixing this up with something I usually do to avoid saying something I'll regret .I don't talk when I'm angry.personally I'd rather someone just shut up for awhile than call me names. I think I am missing the point of most of this.i take one try at solving the problem, if the other person has no interest in it.i just hush until I can understand why they did it.think I need to read move.
I agree Stephanie. I had my father and my brother do this to me many times and it's really traumatising. You know what you're saying is important and needs to be said, but their behaviour makes you wonder what you've said, what could possibly be wrong. A number of years ago my mother was in hospital having major surgery and my brother wasn't going to call in and he was leaving it all up to me, a person with a disability and at the time I had a fracture in my foot and could barely walk. I rang up very upset and said he needed to see her, he hung up on me and it took me hours to get even stop crying. These people are so cruel.
Yup. I realised this when I found myself begging someone to talk to me to communicate. It’s indirectly being told to shut up
so freaking frustrating to try to have serious adult conversations with these people.
Jennifer Ditty when you ask them are you angry ? Are you upset ? You’re met with I’m fine don’t worry yet thier faces and silence says otherwise. How can you move forward if you don’t communicate?
I know how it feels. It hurts
Silent treatment then stonewalling and the utter disgust when they see you because it reminds them of unsolved issues ..mine just dissapears and reappears like a magician..when i list some stuff for discussion he doesnt respond ..just says hi..the next morning like i said nothing..there was was he came to my home and said i dont want to talk about the issues..i noticed later that he doesnt like really long hugs ..intimacy issues
Whoa I remember crying and saying lightly so as not to cause problems but saying I need to talk so bad I am hurt I am desperate.
Disgusting immature behavior! If anyone stonewalls me now it's permanent!!! I've cut off about 5 people in the past 10 years just by doing this to me.
Same here i won't put up with it now
Yep, same. I’m not playing their manipulative games.
Amen to that!
My narcissistic coworker and former (self-appointed) "best friend" of 4 months stonewalled me after she emotionally abused me and I still denied to give the answers she wanted. This was the last time we interacted privately because I built a new Berlin Wall behind her little bitchy stone wall.
Good on you...i get v limited replies from a friend and ready to do the same thing.
Yes. Stonewalling feels like abandonment.
Yes it feels like I don’t exist like what I am upset or concerned about etc doesn’t matter… it’s almost as if like you feel invisible to them bc doing this and the silent treatment it’s like in my mind we can talk this communicate properly so we can stop going thru the same issue. But it would never happen. It would always be an issue and then they would do this
It is also a form of control for the narc!
And emotional neglect
Stonewalling sends a strong signal that you are not worth being treated with respect. It’s a favorite tactic of “mean girls.” It’s a red flag that is easy to spot. Wish I had known this when I was younger and not accepted society’s excuse that the silent girl was probably just busy. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Yikes! Mean girls! That recently happened to my by my supposed lifelong 'best friend' and her toxic friend. The worst of mean girl behavior; and we are in our 60s! I've come to realize I've been surrounded by narcissists my entire life.
I find stonewalling as an emotional absence from a relationship, in so doing they deny your value as a human being. It is a chosen extreme to dehumanize their victim as being no more influential than a piece of gravel in the path of life.
Yes! Precisely! The victim might as well not even exist.
dehumanize: When I was leaving my husband of 23 years I realized it had been years since he called me by my name. I hadn't heard my name for I don't know how long. It was as though I didn't exist...
@@l.5832 It is sad how they take pleasure in dehumanizing people they should love.
@@l.5832 omg I just realized my husband never says my name. Its always "hey" to get my attention... I didn't realze this was a problem until now
Censored yes sure was ,
After youve been codependent for so long it starts to feel like everyone is a narcissist. Its hard to trust again. Can you talk about this sometime? 😘😘😘😘😘😘
Oh my gosh, so true!!! The classic "I thought I was the only one"...
Search Richard Grannon, Spartan Life Coach, go back say 3 years or so for his older stuff as well. He has some great online courses to help you get over this and being stronger yourself. Free course on reducing flashbacks, courses on CPTSD, healing the super ego, etc
Agrees
Burnice Tomkow
IKR,
I’ve come to realize over decades of personal experience and interaction, that narcissism is a spectrum, some have high traits moving the needle far right, some have very mild traits moving the needle far left, and some are fair to middlin. The ones far right are more like NarcoPaths, scary dangerous. There are various shades of narcs and different breeds. Life is like a giant narc box of assorted chocolates. When you take a bite and get creamed you can spit it out and try for the caramel, lol. I prefer liquorice
I so hypersensitive 😒🥺 I now come across as a narcissist 🤦🏾♀️🙅🏾♀️😂
Stonewalling is incredibly infuriating. You’re made to feel invisible as they exert their power through this immature and sinister manipulative move. It feels like punishment for something that doesn’t warrant it. So many memories of this, especially in the car.
Stonewalling was one of the most painful things about my experience with my ex. It is so awesome and validating to know others understand this too.
Yes, it is hurtful... And provoking. You are not alone.
💯 - I didn't know it had a term. I was dumped by text by someone who refused to speak about our misunderstandings 🙄 he's married now but happily so, so he learned something
She’s right. You Can’t get a person like this into any counseling. They don’t have any problems🙄
I made up a quote: "To the Narcissist, the psychologist needs HIM. To the psychologist? The Narcissist needs HIM.
@@helenarichard They say it is not advisable for a Narc to go into therapy because they will only learn the tricks.
Exactly!
Susan Hojdik,I hope you are not with a narcissist cause you are too precious!
Susan the problem with your comment is ,(**you said ,they have no problems,BUT THAT IS A TRUE OUTRIGHT LIE***!) A NARCISSIST 👺☠️ A PREDATOR,A NARCISSISTIC ABUSER WILL NEVER ADMIT THEY HAVE A PROBLEM AND WILL NEVER BE CHANGED, WILL NEVER ADMIT THEY ARE COMPULSIVE LIARS,THEIFS, CRIMINALLY FUCHIN TOXIC 🤬 PREDATORS 💀 TOXIC ABUSERS ANIMAL ABUSERS ELDERLY ABUSERS CHILD ABUSERS,ETC....BUT THEY ARE!!!
SO NEVER NEVER SSY,THEY HAVE NO PROBLEMS,SAY 😭 THEY WILL ,(**NEVER BE HONEST, YOU CAN NEVER TRUST ANYTHING THEY SAY 😭 OR DO EVER!!!!!
THEY ARE OFTEN ,(**BESIDES BEING A NARCISSIST OR NARCISSISTIC ABUSER,THEY ARE ACTIVE CRIMINALLY FUCHIN TOXIC 🤬 INSANE ALCOHOLICS AND DRUG ADDICTS AND DRUG TRAFFICKING PIMPS,SEX TRAFFICKING PIMPS,100%✓✓✓✓✓✓✓🤬🤕🥴🤒😱😱😭😭🥵🤮🥶🤕🤕😷
“I thought you needed to sleep on it so I decided to go to bed” and then left me in emotional distress, I get anxiety just thinking about all the times I’ve been stonewalled
"no thoughts, no feelings, no opinions = no problems" was my (sad) mantra when he was around
Yes...I felt the same way. But of course it was impossible to behave like that for infinity. So...as soon as a feeling or an opinion escaped my mouth....the ugly cycle would start again.
Being with a narcissist does not allow you to exist as an individual.
We are merely extentions and expressions of THEM. Just like our furniture is an expression of our style...WE are an expression of THEM.
A chair or a sofa doesn't have feelings or opinions.....therefore, WE are not supposed to have feelings and opinions.
And when we do....that causes a big problem for a Narc.
We are nothing more than inanimate objects to them.
Very sad.
For a while, I admired my ex's ability to shut down the conversation and walk away from people whom he later painted to me as completely irate and out of line. He always positioned himself as some sort of strong-willed alpha. That was until I had experienced his patterns of provoking conflict, followed by gaslighting, blame-shifting, stonewalling, and smearing first-hand. I feel really dumb for mistaking it for "strength".
Yes, I'm emotional and saw mine as thoughtful in his emotions, he was just completely avoidant, an insecure ego-driven controlling intimate immature emotional unsafe.
I could definitely relate, especially after my two past relationships and most certainly with a woman who is my polor opposite, whom at one point I was considering is my soulmate. Sometimes I still think she is. However, in order for us to really find that out, there has to be grounded, communication of give and take equally, which includes of course, healthy reciprocation. A factor that I realized I'm not getting from her. If she is fully moved on I do respect that. However, at the same time I'm doing my best to humbly let her know of her narcissistic traits and how it affected me because of human being... Or maybe I shouldn't at all and just be silent. Honestly when it comes to her I'm truly conflicted. I have 50% empathy and 50% apathy towards this particular person. Praying for healing for myself, her and everyone else watching this video 🙏🏾
You're not dumb at all. They're professional con artists. You had qualities they didn't and that's why they wanted you. Look up Sam Vaknin.
Been there! I was so embarrassed and shamed by my ignorance. When the heart is hungry it will eat lies.
@@HeavenOrHell74 They are not human beings.
I always had to throw a disclaimer in front of everything I said when I wanted to have a conversation with my husband. “I’m really not trying to make you mad, please just listen to me and don’t think I’m being offensive...”
Ridiculous. Pathetic. Glad that’s over with.
Oh gosh I hated this!
My mother did that to me. Her fears became a self fulfilling prophecy in that eventually you get very sick of someone projecting that image onto you, and you will begin to snap. Like no, I'm not your first husband or any of the other degenerate scum you have in mind, get it through your head or get the hell away from me!
I agree. Walking on eggshells around your partner can be so draining.
Same 😭
Wow! This was exactly the way I had to speak to my ex partner. He would still rage regardless!
I love witnessing the victimhood mentality the narc falls back on when you challenge them.
So funny how the serial abuser can act like the victim.
This is my exactly my mother.
Thankyou everyone on here, I though I was alone . I've been isolated for 54 years. I have given my all. It's Evil.
Right?!?
My ex exactly
So true! As soon as I would challenge anything he said or speak up against him he would immediately try to pull the victim card followed by claiming I was playing the victim. SMH
My narcissist would just look at me after I've bared my soul. It was if I hadn't said a word.
My husband does that to me too
God I know. Completely unbothered. It’s scary to see how little hurt they actually feel when you’re completely broke. If they do feel any it’s simply thag they’re a victim no matter how bad they’ve done you, how dare you call them out on any of it or remind them how hurt you are without that robot look or them lashing out with extremely low digs. They’re truly disturbed to think that is anywhere normal
SO MUCH YES SAME💔
I've had 2 husbands this way and both parents and then my brother. Now seems like my eldest child will be very much the same. She even told me that you can't make someone care... Oh well. I have to focus on myself and my healing. Seems selfish but if I'm not well. No one is.
Same here!
I recently got out of a relationship where I recognized that my partner was stonewalling me. I kept bringing up a problem and the only thing that would happen is that they would completely change the subject, or simply give half ass answers. On the last day I asked “why do I have to beg for this??” And they literally said “dunno” lmao
Oh my god hahaha that’s sad but kind of funny
You are a lotus flower rising from the muck! So proud of you!
❤
One of the most painful patterns of abuse to be caught up in. A complete waste of energy and LIFE!
Absolutely agree!
Very much agree
And dignity and self-esteem and self worth
@@saif9amar417Absolutely!
People deal with conflict and information differently. Some need time to process and think over their wrongdoings and some weren't taught to apologize immediately , or at all these days, right away. Don't assume they are narcissistic just because they didn't respond the way you wished right away. Even if days or weeks. Let them prove it...don't prove it right away. We all have access to so many videos to understand narcissism. We also have to understand patience before judging. And more importantly learn when we might be the narcissist our self when we demand so much "all about me." Reality can wake us back up sometimes.
Move on and never look back. Clearly they can’t address the issue like an adult. My family is like a cult of narcissistic personalities that can’t be saved. If you truly want to heal run 🏃🏾♀️ ;)
I was thinking about the word “cult” the other day and I totally agree with you! Some families really value narcissistic traits to the point that that is the gold standard. 🙄
Thx Glorious.
Hector Medina You’re welcome.
I grew up in that cult family and happy to be free from them.
Gina Dean It’s a blessing when you walk away trust me;)
I have lived with my severely narcissistic husband for 26 years...I have been researching, investigating, analyzing until the cows come home for the whole 28 years we've been together desperately trying to figure out what in the hell is wrong with this person...For years I thought it was bipolar disorder until I stumbled onto these videos of narcissistic personality disorder and ....lo and behold this is it!!!!! Needless to say, I'm working my way OUT!!!! I cannot wait for my new life to start!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your help Dr. Ramani!! I think I've watched just about every single video you've produced!!
stonewalling hurts the most in anything that a partner can do. it hurts more than being shouted at because at least in there they're communicating their frustrations. stonewalling with the "bring it up again and i'll leave you." when you're just trying to fix a recurring problem, in the calmest way of asking them to sit down and talk about how to fix a certain problem.
And you try it with the best intentions, because a recurring issue sometimes isn’t a quick fix, it takes time and understanding. Yet when you want to speak about it as mature people you get accused of starting an argument! This in my case was completely blocking everything.
totally agree with you especially on being accused as causing argument when your voice and intentions aren't anywhere near attacking them.@@Cakewalkingbaby
I think if you have an Anxious Attachment Style, the silence hurts the most. As she mentioned fear of abandonment in the video.
But if you have an Avoidant Attachment Style, getting shouted at hurts a billion times worse than silence. Because you have this super strong fear of conflict. And feel super sensitive to people’s emotional reactions.
Sending you love and healing energy 💕💕💕
The more I see the videos of this channel. The more I say to myself "THATSSS WHYYYY". Stonewalling was the *WORSE* part of what happened to me in my relationship with my wife. I try to doubt myself a lot that maybe it is a coincidence that many symptoms of narcissism are maybe just a coincidence with my wife. But the more videos I watch the more is that assumption of mine debunked. I don't know how many like me exist out there
DoctorRamani, but you are doing a very big service to some lost and shattered souls. I am very grateful.
I feel the VERY SAME way you feel. The "OHHH THAT'S WHY". Sometimes I did not even know concepts existed. I did not know that there were proper psychological terminologies and explanations which directly related to how I feel and what I am going through. I started to think maybe it was just a coincidence that he fits into this or that but he fits into EVERYTHING! He is a covert narcissist and I KNOW now that I have no hope and that I need to devise an exit strategy. Dr. Ramani literally saved my sanity.
Welcome to healing!
You are definitely not alone out there. Like you, I am amazed to learn how many of these behaviors are common to the narcissistic personality. My ex-wife stonewalled and word salad me whenever I tried to get her to talk about things. She just could not talk about anything that might shine a light on her. It was very upsetting, for sure. My most recent epiphany was realizing how her constant accusations were explained by Dr. Ramani as projections. These videos have released me from doubting my sanity.
You’re definitely not alone & I’ve often wondered this myself (if I’m the only one, if I was wrong about them) your gut is your guardian angel, trust it
Mine was exactly the same. Highly educated medical professional who couldn’t hold one interpersonal conversation. Narcissism at its finest
They avoid you and make you feel guilty for it. Sick form of gaslighting manipulation.
Thank you Dr Ramani for great videos that are so clear and relatable.
I'm healing so damn much from all these videos.... I'm a guy. And have been in 3 Narcissist relationships and my was raised by a narc mother which made my brain accept it was ok as a child. I'm healing so much with these videos I can't put into words. Thank you so much....I love you for this
I am on the same page I been with so many narcissist especailly growing up a narcissist family
My mother does this to me. She even restricts what topics I can speak about with her to the point I might as well be silent unless I want to deal with her insanely angry responses.
It is their way of keeping you from being your true self. My family doesnt even know me because they get angry or roll their eyes whenever I try to talk about anything "i" find important. I can only talk about what "they" agree is important. They basically find me useless, and they dont even know me but that's okay because I have cut them out of my life and now I can breathe! 😊
when you get to the point of being ignored,you just have to stay silent and not say a thing.why waste your breath on something that will be turned against you
Very true he stonewall me,and blame me for the whole issue.
Made me feel like I was constantly not worth talking to, working out issues with, being heard, or allowed to understand. The issue was dead for him forever once he decided he wouldn't deal it.
There is more to it than that...If I had known what it all meant , I would have gone ! Why stay silent ? the problems don't go away ! they just multiply ! and on and on it goes ..a mad house of misery..
"I don't wanna hear you talk. It's either my way or the highway" - narc husband ( soon to be ex)
Go Siti!! we are in this together! Do it! It’s time for us to take back out power and our lives
the ultimate authoritarian, without any 'cover up'. are you out now?
Siti Hawa I'm so glad you chose the highway and hope you're having a safe journey! I realise that it can be a bumpy ride, so to speak, for a while though. 🛣
The narcissist always wants to be in control by using stonewalling as a control method but I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s a childish act.
Of course is a childish act since they are emotionally underdeveloped, they are stuck around the age of 5.
@@visancosmin8991 oh my.. They no where seem to be underdeveloped. They definitely seem to be overdeveloped to use multiple such pathetic things against their victims and that shocks us how evil a human can become and lose the basic essence of life, THE HUMANITY
Thank God, I am OUT OF IT finally and clearly see their every fucking moves..I don't feel like they behave like humans anymore, others call them something evil and do things beyond that and I honestly feel like calling them they are ONLY THINGS WITHOUT anything else left within them especially basic soul and human empathy.
This is the favorite weapon of these satanic beasts. Looking to the side in silence while at a table in a cafe. Going on their phone and ignoring one's partner. Spending hours on social networks while ignoring you. And then sadistically asking: "What is wrong?". This is the purest form of sadism and torture. There should be online classes about these creatures to normal people can tell the signs. Your videos are tremendous help. It's amazing how you know them so well, it's like you have been part of this relationship.
One of the very biggest red flags, especially if it lasts for days or weeks.
Very true
I remember this happening to me with my husband and it blew my mind that he would behave this way. Dr Ramani videos opened my eyes and makes me sad that it took so long.
Borderline's fear of abandonment + Narcissist's stonewalling
Cluster B classic relationship dynamics
Does narc's stonewalling affect only BPD as much or even non-BPD individuals?
Stonewalling mixed with gaslighting. Anytime I tried to confront our issues to express how I didn't feel heard, the answer was always the same: I either misunderstood (or misremembered) the situation. The next stage was turning my way of expressing the lack of emotional depth in the relationship as something that I was causing...that she felt the same. It is like living in a labyrinth where the ground and walls move...and then you enter in a room of smoke and mirrors. They have an explanation for everything. The withholding and disavowal is so violent. And then they turn to you and place the onus on you, because you have emotions and they don't (look at me, I'm so calm!)
" Stonewalling mixed with gaslighting. Anytime I tried to confront our issues to express how I didn't feel heard, the answer was always the same: I either misunderstood (or misremembered) the situation". you are explaining my situation to an absolute T its almost scary. The slow feeling that you are losing your mind is terrifying and all the doubt and second guessing of your feelings and reality erodes any sense of self belief and self worth. But im not doing it anymore, I just want peace.
My Aunty did it right now when she brought up my ''rebelliousness'' when I was a teen. I said, '' I wasn't a rebel, I was actually being horrifically abused!'' and she just stonewalled me. I almost cried but didn't want to be the ''dramatic'' one in the family, so just played on my phone. Narcissists are sadists.
Yes, and teenagers are *supposed* to be rebellious. It's literally the developmentally appropriate thing to do.
You are so strong! Things will get a lot better for you ❤
Two things set it off in my relationship.
1. Saying 'No'
2. Saying 'I don't want to'
It was the end of my 23 year marriage when he started saying, "I don't want to" when I would attempt to talk to him about issues. What a revelation this video is. When they start stonewalling, it is the end.
kingsix2000 yes! Or creating any limits
Same. First time I set a boundary I was stonewalled.
@@kaitlinwade6268 and if you question it, they are "thinking"
My "favorite" is when they stare off into the distance when you are talking to them, showing that they aren't listening and don't care about what you are saying. Then there's the tapping of fingers on a table or other object when someone is talking. Here's the most infantile one: covering their ears with hands (sometimes while humming a little tune).
Mine would roll his eyes upward like a disgruntled teen-ager.
@@bandeleganiyu7596 Don't you just love it!? And how about when they say, "Are you done"?
@@jolly7728 Narc- is there anything else u want to say.....wow no dam given at all from them
HERE WE GO U ALWAYS MAD & ARGUING....🙄
I did very rarely the last one on your list while walking away but that was when my narcissistic husband was accusing me of something, talking to me like garbage or saying something so disturbing that I couldn't possibly listen to it anymore. After of course asking him to stop. And usually just walked away and if he following me and continuing throwing his shit onto me then I do this if I'm really upset.
This is the video I needed to see! Stonewalling led to my mental breakdown for 6 weeks. I was totally gaslighted and so desperately wanted to talk about what happened, but he absolutely refused. I spent $800+ on a couples counsellor and he still refused to talk about it. Now it all makes sense: 1) His avoidance of responsibility, 2) His avoidance of any form of intimacy or vulnerability, and 3) the narcissistic supply and power that stonewalling brings, and 4) stonewalling facilitated the "discard phase" we were in.
I was a victim of a narcissistic partner who coaxed me in a relationship with his sob story of a failed marriage where he was dumped and then subjected me to the worst emotional abuse and constant silent treatment and stonewalling one month into the relationship. Thankfully he dumped me too for green pastures and now I'm a free person. Though I hv been diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD by my therapist.
U might have delt with a covert narcissist
I always say when they talk bad of past partners don't believe everything they say transpired. There's their version, the partner's version, and the truth itself.
Wow, the level of anxiety this raised in the pit of my stomach made it clear that I am not as healed from this as I thought I was. Thank you for helping me go deeper.
Bless you in your journey...
I felt the exact same, I wish you power in your healing ♥️
Stephanie C yes tummy stuff it’s very real
I'm not healed either. I was eating lunch as I listened, and I ended up getting sick. 🤢
I can't seem to escape this house of horrors. 😢
@@JesusIsTheWay.Truth.Life. 😥😥
I did go silent on a narc that i lived with after trying to talk things out...found out about him giving other women money " helping single ladies at his job" and him posting videos about how he has no support(when i was paying all the bills)....I was emotionally DONE. I took my energy back and kicked him out.
Good
Me too, self love 💘
Bravoooo Lady! 🌹
This is a great video. I spent 42 years chasing after my husband, a master stonewaller. I questioned myself constantly. I begged him, cajoled him, all to no avail. I realized he is a Narc when I went to a therapist. I ‘ve found out the only thing worse than being married to him, is divorcing him. Going on 3 years now and still not free.
? ??? You haven't left him yet ????
And that is why we stay so long, because we know how ugly and lengthy the divorce will be.
hope you finally got away
Ugh! This drove me up the wall with my narcissist ex. Whenever I had a conflict with him, he would either not respond, or just say "uh-huh" and have no feelings about anything I said. So the conflict would never get resolved. It would get me SO frustrated. I can't believe I was in that horrible relationship for so long. Dr Ramani, I needed you when I was in college!!
Omg I know this comment is like 3 years old but my ex would say uh huh too so condescendingly in a way that would drive nails into my soul. He knew it too so he would do it often and even trained our son to do it. I had to train myself to not be so triggered by it or it was gonna drive me bonkers.
My main relationship boundary relates to this.
It goes like this: we're already not relating, so we're already not in a relationship, so we might as well make it official and end the relationship.
It's important to have a firm boundary about silent treatment and stonewalling because it triggers me so much that I do end up chasing and making myself look very pathetic too. Something that the narcissist is only too keen to point out.
So I have to take a "hell no. Fuck off" approach to it. Do this to me then relationship is over. No exceptions. Not since the last one nearly destroyed me.
Good for you, zero tolerance, time is valuable.
FaerieKim, you are too precious to be with a narcissist!
@@lioydwilliams1850 aww thank you x
@@Technoidmania you are welcome my dear.I am Lioyd from the States.You?
@@Technoidmania which country are you from?
the more i watch of your videos, the more i know, how toxic my relationship was. I recognize everything...
literally everything
I feel sad, and free.
I promise that the sadness will dissipate, and with time you will simply feel free.
I hope so. Where I am now my pain is unbearable from betrayal and disrespect.
Thank you! 🙏
Everytime I wonder if I might be the narcissist or if I was wrong about my husband I watch this and get triggered from beginning to end with memories flooding back. So greatful for your work and to be free from this toxic life!
You’re not the narcissist. A narcissist would never think they might be the narcissist bc they think they are fine.
Omg I didn’t know there was a word for this 😭. I used to call it being shunned. My mother did this to me all the time growing up, ruined Christmas and special holidays whenever something didn’t go to her liking. The manager at my last workplace did this as well!!!!!! I quit in January, didn’t realize at the time that she was also a narcissist, but I had to get out of there. I have empathy for anyone who has ever been stonewalled by a narcissist, a very awful feeling wondering “what did I do” or “what can I do to appease them?”
I believe this should be required learning in high school, just at the age you are starting to date and get involved with people intimately. If i would have known about this years ago i could of saved so much wasted time and energy, it really breaks my heart to see so many people suffering from dealing with these people. The good people keep trying to make it work while the toxic people just bring on a new manipulation tactic to keep us stuck.
Camille Harris,I hope you are not with a narcissist cause you are too pretty!
Yes! I was just thinking about how school could help young people emotional and psychological skills.
I so very much agree !! If only this can be taught in high school!!! Have felt this for years because it was in high school I fell for this behavior!
@@lioydwilliams1850 So Lloyd, I see you troll multiple women here.
wow so well explained
I realize, growing up, the "difficult relationship" with my mother, was a stonewalling type of relationship.
So thankful I had a loving Grandmother ❤️💕
Sweet TJelli, same here. 🌸 took first opportunity to put the physical distance between us. 30 years later and a lot of inner work, has me in the state where I have a compassion for her. Wishing you all the best on your Journey🍀
You were lucky i had a grandma worse than my mother
@@nicoler3219 same
I'm glad to hear, God bless you
This explains so much about my relationship with my mum. I remember a few years ago I was staying with my mum for a week for a visit, we had already been having issues previously but one night in particular was the worst. Previously there was a topic that always caused her to become angry with me and I've never been able to understand why, it had been a few years since I last tried to address the topic and thought "well now that I'm a little bit older, maybe we can speak a bit nicer to each other and I can really understand what is the issue". I suggested that she should write down how she felt so even if I couldn't understand maybe I could share with someone else who could break it down for me (for context I'm Autistic and find it really hard in general to understand other's emotions) but she scoffed at the idea and told me to stop talking about it. Finally it all came to ahead when I had to beg her to talk to me, I'm crying on the other side of the bedroom door begging her to just talk to me so I could understand why she was so angry with me. I finally work up the nerve and I walk into the bedroom to find out she had literally ran off somewhere in the middle of the conversation, so I had been begging thin air to talk to me the whole time. She still uses that night to call me "nasty" because I said I wanted to go home and didn't want to be there any longer. She's often done this type of behavior, even now just ignores me or shuts down so she doesn't have to deal with me. I thought it was me this entire time, I thought it was my Autism causing all these problems but you know what? No one else has these issues with me. I'm beginning to think I might not be the problem after all.
Just for clarification the unspeakable topic was about a camera she purchased with my money when I was 17.
Wow! I wonder what horrible memory that camera was used for?
My dad goes silent for seemingly tiny things too. Most recently I asked him why he sold his cows and he completely shut down. He told me years ago that he doesn’t consider me as much a part of the family as his other kids. So I don’t get as much information as my siblings. I just assume anything he doesn’t want to talk about falls into the category of information he keeps from me just to show me that I am not “family enough” to be privy to. 🤷♀️
That's how my sister behaved after I gave her parenting advice after she called my 3 year old niece a name. I "momshamed" her. Two years later and it still hasn't been discussed and I'm still stonewalled/alienated.
I tried address my hostility towards my mother due to her dangerous, neglectful parenting when I was a kid. Her response was, "you were a good con when you were younger" (the issue was her allowing me to sleep over at an 18 year old guys house when I was 13)
Brilliant explanation, Iv experienced this so many times in a relationship,it's absolutely devestating it's like your waiting until they are ready to talk to you ,and you never get to talk about issues. The narcissist is in total control.
This issue was my ex husband's favorite tool. He used it all the time. If I brought anything up that he did not like to deal with, he would just stare at me and never responde. He even got kicked out of counseling for stonewalling the counselor. I would rather be verbally abused then get the silent treatment and stonewalling. It invalidates me as a person, leaving me feel as if I am NOTHING, not even worth the dirt I walk on. In the 10 years we were married, we solved NOTHING, no problems at all. We could not talk about how to raise the kids and come to a middle ground, since communication is not happening. The only way he would talk, is if it was about others, such as friends or extended family, but never about personal issues.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to leave the marriage. I am so much happier now that I am out of this abusive relationship.
And through counseling I was able to see why I attracted such men, it was because of my dad, who I use to adore. But now I see him and his actions for what they are, and it is so freeing.
I will rather be single, then to be with someone who cannot communicate and especially about issues.
Same🤦🏾
I am in a marriage just like you described. It is destroying me, but I am 66. It is not easy to leave. Praise God you got out for your sake but your children's too!🤗
This was a game changer for me... after the break up I felt like I had "lost" something "good". He used to do this every single time I made him upset. Now I understand that sooner or later it was going to end. Now I understand how abusive he is.
Please stay strong. You do deserve much better
As a child, I was the one who kept quiet. I kept things inside my head. My mother, the narcissist, badgered and pushed and punished to make me talk. Then, I was in trouble for what I said or it was twisted and used against me. Silence became my defense. I have learned to say, “I don’t want to talk about politics (for instance).” Then the narcissist insists this is practically the only thing to talk about and gets upset because I won’t talk about politics. Our relationship does not rely on politics. She can talk to other people about her political ideas. I can talk with her about other, more pleasant subjects.
Stonewalling is often used by narcissists and avoidants
to avoid all responsibilities...
If you're avoidant,
you most likely have said to family members
- who had a major role in your childhood:
"You only accepted me or liked me
when I was happy/obedient/emotionless."
This one simple statement fits with ALL
the core symptoms
of avoidant attachment:
1. Being overly self-reliant
(and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses)
2. Pushing down anger until it explodes
and manufactures the boundaries you crave
but can't/don't/won't always ask for
3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems
4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent
or even getting bullied and teased/mocked
5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors
that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy
(like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating)
Remember ALWAYS
this process is all about YOU!!!
Not him.
He is just a catalyst.
Consider,
he may be your twin flame.
Look into that.
After he initiated your trauma,
you're now left to deal with and to heal:
all that has come to the surface.
GOOD! This is a blessing.
Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless.
HUGE-HUGE gift!
Major advice!!!
Listen closely!!!
NEVER ever
CHASE HIM.
He will run further
and you will lose yourself more.
You are the feminine.
You are the divine goddess.
You just be
and approve (or disapprove)
whoever comes along.
It's a yes:
you meet my requirements,
or: it's a no,
you do not.
Be clear
on whom you're accepting as a partner
and DO NOT settle for less
(or you just delay what's actually really divinely meant for you).
Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up.
It's all human, and in need of your attention.
If you push it away, deny it, block it, hide it, or run from it...
You will just have to deal with it later...
And when later comes,
those emotions will be:
intensified/amplified/magnified!
1) Put yourself first and foremost!
2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl.
3) Rejection is redirection.
Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities.
And,
Any time you have a painful thought/memory/flashback/worry/belief:
1. Find the belief...
2. Write 11 DISADVANTAGES
to having the belief
3. Write 11 ADVANTAGES
to having the belief
If you can NOT find advantages
then that’s EXACTLY
why you're stuck!!
When you finally see both sides...
Your mind will STOP thinking about it
'cause your brain will be rewired.
So you gotta keep at it,
until you find the positive
to the negative...
And therefore, ultimately
rewire your brain!
AND REMEMBER:
STOP making it all about manifestation
when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION!
I’m realizing that in any type of relationship, even coworkers, friends, romantic relationships or even acquaintances can have these dynamics. When one person is sharing more of themselves then another there is often an imbalance. Be careful of those who seek intimate information off the bat and don’t do the same!!! That’s the ultimate control tactic.
@DJ workplaces breed these people!! I've had similar myself. Keep up the boundaries. You've spotted the behaviour now.
This was a favored tactic of both my NPD parents. I’ve been trying my whole life to figure out what’s wrong with me only to find out that they were the ones who were effed up.
Get away from them as they won't ever change and you are not deserving of that abuse.
Stonewaller here. I don't do it in a narcissistic context, but more of a deep-rooted form of insecurity where I feel like fleeing or staying silent, because I'm really bad at taking criticism from my partner. I get super overwhelmed by it, and all my insecurities about me not deserving love come flooding into my mind, which makes me walk away to reject intimacy and feel bad about myself. One narcissistic trait I will admit though, is that I tend to purposely ignore texts when I feel hurt or angry. Funnily enough, my attachment style is anxious & disorganized style, so I will still very much long for intimacy during my silent periods, which, in turn, also ends up with me feeling worse. Thank you for this video, the serious addressing of "if stonewalling happens in your relationship, it's on its way down the drain" really kickstarted me to make amends and improve myself :)
Glad I found this comment. My recent relationship just ended partially due to me doing this. I didn’t do it in a narcissistic manner but I did do it after I felt ignored or when my needs weren’t meant even after they were expressed. Overtime this overwhelming me on some days and when it came time to address the situation, it was so much bottled in that I didn’t wanna make my ex feel bad so I would tell her let’s have this conversation another day when I’m more levelheaded and when there’s less pressure on me.
I'm being stonewalled, but am in part grateful. I had to withdraw socially during a period of grief and it's a little complicated to explain here, but the stonewalling response from family individuals involves absolute silence in response to my mother dying. Zero acknowledgment of my siblings grief, but I know that the acknowledgement even at its best would have involved a lot of passive aggression and button pushing, so the silence, even though there is a disturbing undercurrent of icy coldness, still makes me feel emotionally safer. It's a strange time for me, but I'm thankful my life has been rough enough to leave me accustomed to isolation. I know I can survive it and focus on playing with my cats and phone calls to loving siblings.
Condolences on the passing of your mother! 🙏🏻
I’m going thru being stonewalled Now, Can’t leave at the moment.. Too long to write… So understand your previous and current heart ache, in this similar situation!
A big hug and love 🌸
My ex's favourite line was, "I'll talk to you when I'm ready" and then he would proceed to storm off to bed. End of conversation. Not answering texts or phone calls along with silent treatments are all part of a narcs/ toxic person's repertoire. Of course the flip side to all of this is the projecting back onto you when they do want to talk about something, usually a perceived injury. I remember many times sitting and listening to what he had to say because if I didn't, according to him, the relationship would be over. Many times, as I listened to the 'lecture', I would be thinking that's not at all how I feel or think about whatever he was talking about. I quickly learnt all questions were rhetorical because he never wanted to hear what I had to say. I learnt a lot from this relationship about narcissism and toxic behaviours as well as about myself. Thank you Dr Ramani for another enlightening video.
It's always stunned me how easily they go to bed, especially after huge arguments/misunderstandings; to me, that's the tell that they truly don't give a shit. That only adds to our confusion, as our brains are trying to analyze everything that was just said, argued, alleged, etc. You're exactly right, the stories they tell themselves are not at all how WE feel or think, but that's bc they choose to live in their reality, which is further proof they don't care to listen to & really hear us. These relationships are extremely painful, but the lessons learned are invaluable. May you be well!
Helen Hingston You have litarally described a relative of mine. Incredible!
They are extremely controlling people, that's why talking things over only occurs when they are "ready". You deserve better than to be a marionette on the end of a personality disordered persons strings with them calling the shots. Get anybody who does this out of your life, you teach people how to treat you, and it will only get worse. Taking some time out to calm down is one thing..when its expressed as just that, and both people are in agreement with it. The "ill talk when i'm ready" or i'm "done" and then they walk away. NO YOU WALK AWAY and let them take their controlling bullshit with them . God complex! Ugh ! Just gross behavior.
@@NigelJ their feelings are shallow, that's his they sleep.
And he never tried to blame you about it? Like, "Look, I am angry now, this is your fault"?
My ex stonewalled me once when I decided to share my favorite movie, Fight Club, with her. Before the movie, she was kissing me and telling me how much she loved me. Halfway through, I noticed she wasn't laughing or making comments anymore, so I turned to look at her to see if she lost interest. She was glaring at the screen with a look of pure contempt, which really hurt. I asked her if she wanted to watch something else, and she said, "No. Let's keep watching your FAVORITE MOVIE," in a tone I can't describe as anything other than sinister. I had so much anxiety the rest of the movie, and I hardly ever get anxiety. After the movie ended, I asked her if she wanted to pick something she liked. Without acknowledging my existence, she stood up with a blank look on her face, walked around to her bed like a robot, climbed in, and pulled the covers over. In a full-blown panic, thinking I had somehow just broken my girlfriend, I rushed to her side and asked her what was wrong, but she just lay there silent. I tried for 15 minutes until I was crying, begging, and pleading, telling her she was scaring me, but still nothing. I finally gave up out of exhaustion, got in bed, told her I loved her, and put my head down to sleep. She sat up 30 seconds later, crying. I asked her if she was ready to talk, and she asked, "How could you just go to sleep on me like that, knowing I was upset?" I told her I tried for 15 minutes, and she said I was supposed to keep going until she talked to me. She was convinced the only reason I could love Fight Club so much was if I had some secret desire to commit crime, treat women like shit, and beat people up. No matter how many times I explained it to her, she wouldn't listen, so I eventually just said I would pick a new favorite movie. All the sudden she was sweet again, kissing me all over, and telling me how much she loved me.
I can't believe I ever let myself be manipulated like that. You know, at the time, I just thought it was just some bizarre incident and wrote it off as no big deal. It's only like over a year after we broke up I'm starting to realize how messed up all these 'bizarre' incidents really were.
She was probably jealous of Marla Singer. Fight Club is amazing.
Andy V , Wow!! Great story but so sorry that had to happen to you. Sounds like an unbelievably brazen example of straight-up narcissistic manipulation to me! Awful.
BTW, I think Fight Club is a fantastic movie, and I'm a woman and very much into gender equality. I sure hope you feel free to claim it as your favorite movie these days!
Dude... bitchez be crazay.
Now seriously. Very abusive person your gf
Andy V, I’ve never seen that movie which is irrelevant here. I think I’d ask someone “obviously this has traumatized you in some way and if you’re ever ready to talk about it, I’m here” And leave it. That’s where our codependency comes in; trying to take responsibility for others feelings. All the best 💐
Ironically, the movie is about toxic masculinity and mocks the idea that if men could just be "tough" again without all of their modern comforts they wouldn't feel like slaves to the system but the movie illustrated that they just became cogs in a new machine because they gave themselves over to another system that tried to tell them who to be. However I'm sure that's not the point of the story. I have had movies be pretty triggering and it's been the case that I can't see why my husband would like something I find so obviously dehumanizing and it hurt but that's something that requires conversation.
My fav line is " I did not do that "
My sister is currently stonewalling me. She did it once in the past, and she said almost word for word what you said at some pt, “I could see us starting to talk again, if you could just figure out what you did to upset me”. And then she proceeded to try make me feel like a terrible person on multiple topics. This round of silent treatment feels like a relief, I was getting weary of walking on egg shells around her, and being so censored, and bullied. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge
This is so common in friendship with narcissist.
Exactly
I did not realize that I had such fears of abandonment until my ex stonewalled me. Thanks for giving us really helpful input!
In my last relationship with my ex narc omg i have never felt so alone and insecure.I felt like a little child wanting a parent's love. Now know i was very co-dependent.
Like others have pointed out, it's like having a relationship with a ghost, or taking a class taught entirely by substitute teachers. There is no feeling of unified or secure co-attachment, the relationship feels like a series of disconnected moments. Even if they do profess and even demonstrate cognitively some limited insight, these are one-time occurrences that never recur, and do not impose any lasting change on their behavior. This insecurity and feeling of decline and retrogression would stoke anyone's fears of abandonment. But we usually find a way to blame ourselves for that too, to blame ourselves for having feelings commensurate with their shitty behavior. Well, those of us who possess co-dependent traits.
@@1squeamishneophyte That is spot on! i always never felt close to him and i really loved him but it was like he had a wall around him and he admitted that to me when i told him, but things never changed you are in the relatinship on your own they are a ghost (not there)
@@pam164 Thanks, I actually forget where I first heard that analogy.
One other thing you made me think of in your description, and I'm not saying that this was true in your situation or that it was even true in mine, but I think an interesting idea to consider is that when we usually think of someone who erects a wall around their ego, or who behaves in a guarded and aloof way is that they're doing it because they on some level feel intensely vulnerable and are engaging in defensive behavior, they're protecting their "true self", but I think that the possibility exists that this is false, they have no true self, they're nothing but their superficial hostility. They're nothing but their false self, another analogy I like is that they're like an onion, all layers and no core.
The mainstream theory of narcissism postulates that the narcissistic false self was created by these people when they were very young, even toddlers, and as a result they never had the chance to mature into a real personality with real spiritual dimensions, it's interesting to note that some people way smarter than me think that humans don't really develop a personality or an ego distinct from their mother's before the age of 3, I've heard for instance that before that, they lack what's called "object permanence" and can't even recognize themselves in the mirror, so a narcissistic disruption to their sense of self at such a stage in development could be devastating. Like I heard in one of the Little Shamans videos, their true self if it does exist, is stalled out at the emotional and psychic age of 2 or 3.
Anyways, sorry for the rant.
@@1squeamishneophyte don't be sorry
Living with a Narc for 30 years ...this was Clearly one of his go to Manipulations! You have hit the nail on the head as always! I have so much healing and so do my three son’s. This is so difficult ...he just gets to walk away and never has to deal with anyone’s feelings... Sad for me to see my son’s trying to deal with the mess he’s has left. Such a struggle, I wish I had more strength to leave earlier in my marriage. Ty Dr. Ramani, I feel so blessed to be able to watch your informative videos. You have helped me immensely 💕
Omg Dr. Ramani. “Stonewalling.” This has possibly been the most baffling aspect of a relationship I got into. It made no sense. I lost my mind over it. I wish I’d walked away. I was actually fascinated by the behaviour. Ewww. It makes me feel yucky remembering it. Thank you for everything you are doing! It has made a tremendous positive impact, helping me to understand really confusing behaviour patterns that I tolerated, although they were intolerable. I literally wanted to die. I tried to take my life. It was a serious attempt. I’m so glad that didn’t happen, and that I am brave enough to keep learning and growing. Xx
Jessica Depue, you look stunning
Even if the narcissist stonewalls you, I find that when they want to accuse you of something ridiculous and wants to go on and on and repeating the same old BS, you have to stone wall them back to shut them up to keep your sanity
Yes I wish she'd said more on that.. I suppose that was us going grey rock. I'm going to listen to this one again .
Just leave . Why put up with a ridiculous and harassing BS narcissistic stonewaller?
Yes I used to have this problem also. He basically would harass me until I broke.
I have to listen to these lectures for hours on end...
I am not allowed to say anything in my defense, or try to explain anything.
Meanwhile, he goes through a laundry list of all my flaws and mistakes. If I try to say one word, I get this, "Stop defending yourself."
So I turn to my own stonewalling, which means radio silence on my end of the phone. Which leads to, "You had best not have hang up on me. When you do, it's over."
When it's over, he'll turn back to a cuddly teddy bear on the turn of a dime. It's actually freaky to witness it.
Why am I still here?😢
Dreene JustMe can relate to this... it’s a cycle, and it will never end unfortunately. I hope you eventually gather the strength to get out of this. Planning is key. Xxx
My narc ex-husband would stonewall me, then tell me we could talk if I would apologize. Not knowing what I did to upset him, I would apologize. Then he would say, "Now tell me what you are sorry for." It was a diabolical game, since I had no idea what I had said wrong.
I apologized to his car since his mystery injury he couldn't get over had something to do with his car. So I did a dramatic apology to the car for offending it somehow. Narc laughed reluctantly. But everytime he refused a ride to the doctor or appointment he'd start babbling word salad about insulted car. So I'd say sorry, u saw me apologize to ur car, and it accepted it. Omg. He finally dropped it. I STILL don't know what the issue was.
Wow, this sounds like my ex a 100%.
Ew🤮 sooo imuture
Omg! My partner did the same thing to me!
That's sick. I am sorry you had to go through that.
I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽
I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥
It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist, once in their lifetime. 🤔
The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing, but a wake-up call. 🔔 Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️
The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍 🙏🏽
You CAN do it! 💜
Would I be correct to say that stonewalling (as well as the silent treatment in general) is one of the biggest hallmarks of a relationship with a Neglectful Narcissist?
I was also wondering about this.
I am still more tempted to think of avoidant personality, but stonewalling was heavily installed in the last months of the relationship. I found out what it was a while later..
Yes...
Yup, my neglectful narc spouse stonewalled me to death and constantly, and if I broke it they would just gaslight me and rush back to stonewalling me.
I wish a marriage counselor had told me that this was a game changer many years ago.Stonewalling, deadpan stares and ignoring completely while I became more and more desperate were a constant in my 17 year marriage .
audrey keaveny
Good Point 👌
Excellent suggestion,
I believe Narcissism awareness
needs to be taught in schools and before marriage especially.
Hindsight is 20/20 but denial is mighty powerful. Love is blind
Phoenix Rising a friend of mine went into a local high school bathroom years ago and saw a print out on the bathroom stall door that highlighted the signs of emotional abuse and then, from that, realized her husband was emotionally abusing her! We need to put awareness at the high school level! Wow.
When you talked about how this affects children, I was reminded of an incident I had with my son. I was not purposefully stonewalling whatsoever--I was really upset and I told him I could not engage in the argument at the moment because I was getting too angry. We were in the car and I stayed quiet for the rest of the drive, and it freaked him rigth the heck out. He was actually scared buy my silence, and when we got home kept coming into my room and at one point just kind of lost it. I of course felt terrible at that point, and told him he was okay and that we were okay, and that I just needed space to calm down. He climbed in to bed with me after that, and I just kept reassuring him that everything was going to be okay. It's just so clear that the need for children to maintain that attachment to their parents is so great--any rift they feel in it is terrifying to them. It was a really powerful reminder to be mindful of the power I have in that regard, and to never, EVER abuse it.
I'm glad you comforted and reassured him.
I'm sure you both learned to respect each other more from this episode. Good of him to show his feelings, and good of you to set it right. Parenting is hard, lessons must be learned.
You are so articulate and succinct! Thank you so much for taking the time to make these❤️
In my marriage, since my husband wouldn't communicate, I learned to keep my own counsel because I trusted myself.
I kept trying .. he wouldn't respond.. I became irrational .. texting over and over .. he still would not respond.. he went to the point of having his friend 'reply' to me to say:"he's sleep", it was a blow like no other.., because I knew it was a lie and he had succeeded with making a fool out of me ..
Avionna Thomas your not alone hunny
He is the problem. He may have been angry at your mother and transferred that to you.
He will have been sitting by phone waiting for your txts and the more desperate you became the more he will like it, if you stop txting he will eventually txt you! but he will just do it again to you in week or so its a game to them. Ive been there feel for you.
That's hard
Senoriita September
I feel I've been pidgeonholed into what appears to be stonewalling. I would Love nothing more than to talk out the problems, but learned by experience to never go there bc he can't handle it. The reaction is so strong and toxic with the glossary that I don't dare go there. Now I get accused of not talking to him about our problems. I think that is a form of gas lighting. The experience of trying to talk over issues was so traumatic that I stopped...and I know to this day he still can't handle it. The flailing of the arms, the yelling, the talking over, the diversion would start immediately. I've been cornered into remaining silent, then gas lighted over why I'm afraid to say a word.
What you're describing makes sense. I am sorry your in that situation. Of course it is terrifying to try to talk after being met with behaviors like that. I'm really sensitive to those kinds of aggressive displays. I hope you find a way to safely express yourself.
You can't complain if you stay in this relationship. Its like a drowning person who has a raft right next to them but refuses to grab it. Why do you cause yourself unnecessary suffering by staying?
@@NickDoraRaw I understand what you're saying but I am check mated at this time. After the battle to break it off permanently, he one upped me by moving into the neighbors house in Feb when the neighbor went to jail for two years. (to 'take care of the place')It was a way for him to maintain control over me. I would have to sell my home that I love. I tried to build a raft and it sunk..smh.
I'm still stuck dealing with him, we share children in common and he has been using every tactic in the book. He has drifted back across the yard for the most part. It's either try and get along, or Really be at war with the neighbors, but on a whole other level.
Same with me. I’m the person that doesn’t talk about anything and the relationship, yet after years of trying too you finally give up. I don’t talk about it because he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say and he is too busy talking over me or reacting to any little thing in over dramatic ways that I get tired of it leading to more punishment. The gaslighting is denying your experience and feelings but also painting it like it is your fault. There is no win. It is sad because you want to be able to come close and deal with issues, but you know it only will make it worse with a N.
The sad part is the humanity in you actually feels compassion for them. Just choosing not to be directly and negatively impacted by it anymore!
It is sickening to realise I've experienced this. Too many times.
same here and i started blaming myself as if i did something wrong..oh god..if you r with them, you will start questioning your own existence..
so horrible
All your videos are so great! This one in particular, I’ve found super helpful!! Thank you! ❤️
When I was a kid my mother didn’t speak to me for 2 months in the same household. We’re No Contact now for over a year. Guess that backfired on her, didn’t it?
You have saved me from going mad. I always ended up feeling guilty even if it was him who had crossed boundaries, lied, cheated..
Ah! I see you answer this question ! Thank you so much! Each video that you do is very informative and very supportive! I am so grateful !
Dr. Ramani, thank you for another great trek into the territory of narcissism. I’m especially grateful for your uncanny ability in covering the questions that come up before they’re asked!
The day when my ex decided to give me yet another silent treatment ; I toughened up and suggested that it would be reasonable to talk at a later time when things get sensible which produced no response again. So after delivering my message, I decided to go home and started walking away - the outcome of which was the grand shattering of a mask to reveal somebody so diabolical which could've never been imagined in a human being. This incident however provided enough evidence - a reality which this time could not assist the narc to manipulate and get away with it. It also destroyed the glasses which my ex always used to fog it up and made me wear it. I was finally able to see the reality and it served as my ticket to freedom from that toxic relationship right there and then :)
A little different way to look at it maybe... I have a friend that says, "when your wife isn't speaking to you, don't interrupt her"
Amen! Husband or wife...the more you ignore them...the fast they get over themselves. Oh bro.! It took me 28 yrs to learn that. Blessings 🙏
Bless you and thank you for this series. I am making so much sense of behaviour I have been the recipient of. I am reclaiming my dignity with each video. I so appreciate the work you do to put out these videos. Thank you Dr Ramani and team xxx
Thank you, Dr. R. Words can't express.
This is the first one I can absolutely say for sure that my wife does, and it makes me feel totally alone in the world.
You are not totally alone in the world, but by stonewalling you, your wife proves she is not interested in relating to you. So for your own sanity, admit the "relationship" is officially over. She opted out.
I can tell him how lonely and unworthy his not talking to me for week makes feel and that is enough for him to go nearly silent for a month in devalue and discard phase. It's time to end the hope, face my abandonment issues and exit.
You’re not alone buddy. There’s at least 2 of us in the world.
My mom did this to me whenever the topic of romance and relationships. She never really discussed the topic with me and when I brought the subject up myself, she would shut down emotionally on me. It left me feeling that when it came to me, I was not allowed have a relationship outside of the family. I can't put into words how painful that was to me.
My grandmother would not acknowledge I'd even been on a date if my date was not white and of an appropriate socioeconomic status. I never thought about that as a form of stonewalling, but maybe it is. It was never charged, though.... just ignored like it didn't ever happen.
Sorry to hear that Amber. Stuff like that from family can really mess with your head.
I’m sorry you lived that. It must have been horrendous. I can totally understand why you felt that way, I would have felt the same.
First off thank you for sharing this video. And lots of love and encouraging energy for healing to all that are watching.
On my journey of healing. DR.RAMANI THANK YOU
Thank you so much for taking the time to do these videos. I have learned so much from you! These videos have helped me understand the narcissist but to also understand myself And my interactions with the narcissist. These videos have empowered me to take my life back. Thank you, Thank you!
wow! you just illustrated every weekend growing up, I visited my dad and stepmom. A simple forgetting to say please or thank you, triggered a whole silent weekend on eggshells, and usually, I would only find out afterward why. No wonder my therapist said I am an orphan with a family. thank you so much!
Oh gosh 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ my father is so sensitive on saying hello. You have to immediately say hello or he will get sad
My mum did stonewalling ever since I can remember. It always left me feeling worthless, unloved and unimportant. She was completely unaware what her behaviour did to me, as she never listened when I tried to make that clear to her. The only solution to heal and regain my self-esteem was to stop being in contact with her. I wish she had been able to self-reflect just a tiny little bit.
Skattla89 she was aware. That’s why she did it.
@@plumpdn No she wasn't.
Narcissists self-reflection consists of how much of a martyr they are.
I'm so sorry for you , it must have been painful, you deserve much more love 🤍
You perfectly described my childhood experience and why I'm so triggered about it now with my parents. Thank you
My parents have done this my whole life. My dad more recently and after he walked off i destroyed some things in his house and left in a blind rage. Needless to say we don't speak. And the other day my brother took himself out of this world. Way to go dad. Youll never learn. Enjoy dying alone!
This was done to me a lot, usually in the form of "This conversation is over. Have a nice day."
Omg Dr.Ramani you saved me when I needed validation when I was always dismissed and devalued. Thank you. You're my Dr.Mama ♥️ this is the beat thing to watch during this quarantine period because it helped me gain my reality again. And I cant thank you enough ♥️
Amen
You are so beautifully clear. Thank you so much Dr Ramani. Definately had the stonewalling. Good to get the analysis.
Dr. Ramani, your awesome! Thank you so much for all your videos. Truly a fan!