What does it mean to go "gray rock"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Here in Kentucky we have geodes. A geode is a grey rock and looks like a clump of mud . When it's broken open, the inside is beautiful quartz crystal. I like to imagine I'm a geode.
Paula Hinton awww spent many summers on Lake Cumberland! I have lots of those! Thanks for the new way to see them!
I love that!!
Paula Hinton love your explanation/description.id love to have one or see one.
Beautiful! You are indeed a geode!
What a great analogy! Grey on the outside and sparkling on the inside. Love it!!
Never share or confide in these people. They will ALWAYS hurt you!
Exactly - they take anything you tell them about yourself or your life to use against you at a later date.
Problem with that. Sometimes you share private stuff with them LONG before you find out they’re a narc. And by then it’s too late and they know.
Don’t I know it. And so sad to know you can’t have an authentic relationship with them. They’ll use everything against you.
@@EphemeralProductions yes, I made that mistake with a former coworker. I will be much more cautious in future relationships about how well I have observed someones behaviour in various charged scenarios, before I choose IF or how much, I will or won’t share in the future.
‘ Keep your own council’ is what my nana told me. I stick by it to this day xx
I tried and failed at gray-stoning my narcissistic mom. So, I cut all contact with her 3 yrs ago. When she realised that no grass would ever grow again for her on my pasture.she tried to saddle my daughter (grown up, married, 2 kids) instead. I was horrified, until I realised that, unlike me, my daughter is a past-master at grey-stoning narcissists - she’s so good, she can gray-stone her beloved gran without even offending her 😂. Example:
G drops in at D’s house unannounced, and just walks in without ringing the bell.
D stays calm and politely sends G away, as her visit doesn’t suit right now. G, with sarcastic undertone, - “Oh, what’s so important that you can’t spare 10 minutes for coffee with your granny?”
D, still calm and friendly, but firm, “Why don’t you text me and we’ll make out a coffee date.” Walking G back to the door and sending her on her away with a kiss on the cheek.
Notice?
1) D didn’t reprimand G for crossing D’s boundaries by dropping in unannounced, and walking in uninvited. Hence, she did not acknowledge G’s transgression, thus denying her the satisfaction of provoking An emotional reaction from D.
2) D didn’t answer G’s question, which would have been a form of justifying herself (which she needn’t do, either), nor did she provide any information about her day’s schedule, which would have been tantamount to opening it up to G’s scrutiny and evaluation.
3) By walking her back to the door, while talking, D gave G no choice than to leave D’s house, without further ado and without the satisfaction of having usurped more of D’s time than it took to turn on her heels and get back out.
4) By inviting G to text and make an “appointment”, D stays both polite to G and in control of her boundaries.
I’m so proud of my girl 😍
She’s got amazing emotional intelligence. Wish I had that wisdom AND ability to stay calm through it all.
That is one well adjusted, assertive & very intelligent girl!
Done with a positive outcome for all involved !!!! , I salute your daughter ! .
Thank you for describing the situation with such details ! , I am definitely learning from it , better late than never ! .
Wow I aspire to be like her
I hope you're proud of your daughter. . . I guess it helps to have one generation of separation when dealing with narcisisstic relatives.
"dont give the best parts of yourself over to the narcissist" thank you. this is my motivation to try gray rock.
You should receive a Nobel Peace Prize for providing these videos. Thank you!
...Amen...💯
Totally...
Couldn't agree more! Years n years of confusion n anxiety n feeling I was the one with the problems and guilt. Not shaken these yet BUT deep down I knew it wasn't me but has taken someone else to say so to convince me to believe in myself...🤗🤗👋
Totally! People have received a Nobel prize for far inferior achievements.
Seriously! 100%
Q: How many victims of narcissism does it take to screw a light-bulb?
A: None - they detach and let it screw itself.
This made me laugh and want to cry at the same time. 😅
Just realizing my family members are narcissistic...
Im relieved in knowing that I am not alone when I felt all the things I did regarding my family relationships but I guess I'm almost in denial or self doubt because there's this idea that people lean into that there is no way that all the people around are wrong, you're wrong, something's wrong with you" or at least that's what I was told
My grandmother, my older sibling, my uncle, my mother 😓😞
I really don't want to believe it.
😜
Lmao
Brilliant. Simply brilliant, and empowering,
Yassss
When I was 14 years old I discovered what I now know is gray rocking. I Gray rocked narc. narc supporters, most of my family. The real pain was seeing that I would never have a normal, happy family.
Same. I’ve been brainwashed for 31 years as the scapegoat
This narcissistic curse can be broken! It’s just takes work! The dysfunction can be stopped in the next generation!
Yeah, I’ve come to understand that my “family of origin” did not put the “fun” into dysfunction.
Best wishes to you. 👍
I too discovered grey rock at that age. Except, like any tool you stumble upon and don’t know how to use, i grey rocked everyone and everything. Complete dissociation. I have very little memory of at least a year of that. But, in time, I learnt where to use it, and where in life I could connect and feel love. Very confusing and painful time of complete retreat tho. Grateful for Dr. Ramani and the work she does-I hope that, if there are any other young teens that felt the way I did, that they find her channel and some relief from their chaos 🖤
Another way to look at it "don't give the best parts of yourself, to the worst people."
When I went grey rock with the narc ex-boyfriend, he wanted more and more of my attention. It is so shocking that once I made myself emotionless, how much he wanted me. But if I were empathetic and simply acting like a kind human being, he would treat me like crap.
When I went no contact, suddenly he was telling everybody that he loved and respected me. I stayed no contact because I dont fall for fake.
I can relate to this.
Because they think they have you hooked again.
before i discovered narcissism and narcissistic traits, my relationship at the time, i noticed the same thing. If i was nice i would get treated like crap yet when my foot was almost out the door i would get the queen treatment, and then the cycle would start again. Before the end I used to say "treat em mean, keep em keen". That actually made me leave the relationship so much earlier than i probably would have as i didnt like being mean. Thats not how relationships are meant to go, so i had to go. I prefer to treat people the way i would like to be treated.
Same here. It really messes with your mind because I've dealt with two narcissists and my mind is so messed up from their games that I wouldn't know how to talk to a regular guy without worrying about saying the wrong thing and I also find it difficult to trust these days. If people haven't experienced being around a narcissist themselves, they just don't understand it.
My end of a phone conversation with the narc: 'mmm', 'hmmm', 'oh', 'interesting', 'mmm', 'not sure', 'ohh', 'don't know', 'no idea', 'ok, bye'.
Hahaha! Too FUNNY!! :). Awsome
@@EphemeralProductions cool
That is exactly how my brother interacts with our narc mother, yet he doesn't 'know' she is one, whereas I have always interacted with her, been drawn in, and have suffered for it. I used to think he was quite rude, but now I see he had the right idea.
@@juliesims1296 Yes - the less information you give them about your life, the better.
I do the exact same thing.
...Or just not take their phone call/s in the first place. :)
1. Be okay with them kicking up a fuss when you begin gray rocking them. 2. Be okay with them getting bored with you and walking away. 3. Be okay them 'discarding' you. (That was after all the point). 4. Be okay when you realize they only saw you as a "thing" for their convenient use.
Im so okay with all but he insists Im a stupid child and demands I believe his lies, accuses me easily forgetting “us”. Angry for not believing his lies and angry for not accepting to take a thing never existed “us” as evidence to believe his further lies. Incredible.
Your comment be okay with them kicking upa fuss. It resinates now I grey rock & Dr Ranimi has changed the way I react to that .
Positive energy back.
Yes. Well said.
Anyone comment please! I just dated a girl (31)that for the first week every night she would never give me hugs goodbye after spending all night with her. She said her walls were up and that when she was young her mother abandoned her and her siblings!! Truama?? idk?? Then two weeks she finally would say spend the night but, still never made plans . She said " i dont make plans"!! We didnt hook up or kiss , not Once! After keeping me around and spoiling me, she got mad once when i just jumped up and left she texted me " now im ALONE" !! The thing is she kept me around with two other older men in rotation. Supply?? attention?? she was broke but never asked for money. I once was gonna leave after two nights with her and she Quickly out of nowhere said , hey lets go get your haircut with my Aunt. Like she didnt want to be alone!! She d spend hours in my car while i was working , just waiting for me. It was getting scary she just needed someone there??? She never triggered me , i never fell for her arguments!! I cut it off and she immeditatly texted me with a guilt trip and i went running back. Then she finally started yelling and screaming to get a argument going but, i didnt fall for that either , i just calmly smiled and said can we talk like adults, you dont have to yell !! She said Get Out !! havent talked to her in 2 weeks. Im pretty sure she has New Supply. Im confused why i was kept around !?? ive never had this happen . Thanks
I guess as a kid I was gray rocking my mom and didn't even know it. She had this mean spirited habit of not letting me do something that I really wanted to do, even if it wouldn't cost her anything. In high school, there was a concert I really wanted to go to. She refused to agree to drive me and said she didn't like the band (a Beatles tribute band?). I was very upset and hurt and I got the distinct feeling she was enjoying my tears. From that point forward, I learned not to show how much something meant to me because she would make sure I didn't get it.
Thats exactly my mom and i too learnt this technique on my own. Funny how our brains are smarter than us lol
Sorry you had to go through this with a parent. I come here for spousal relationship help...I couldn't imagine having to deal with this type of parent. I am glad you did what was needed for yourself back then and told your story. 💕
That's awful. 😢
I grey rocked my family after years of mental abuse. I have peace.
Me too.
This dr is game changing
Family,friends,home town and country I have left 3 years ago found my peace ,stoped using heroin found out that writing songs is my God given talent which makes me happy,fell in love with love of my life we live together still and when I stated forfilling my dream she destroyed my confidence in few hours,
I stated to use again and found out that we are classical empath narcissist relationships she was just using me and as soon doing to her what she is doing to me she stoped to have sex with me,stoped kissing me,started to be cruel,rude,lied to me all the time,never wanted me in her flat,live 4 separatedd lives (family,friends,work,me)never mixing, in 16 months i was with her friends 5 times,family didnt knew that she has a boy friend living with her,never respected my feelings or things I want to do, always first what she wanna,bossy,prideful and biggest hipocryte I ever met,self centered to the core ,I left her loud and clear and she pretends as she left me even said:"we can be friends and that she doesnt wanna give me hope".When I call her for who she is with factual based situations she calls me that I am lier, hipocryte,two faced ... just without facts and situations,ignoring reality and trying pesuade me that I didnt saw or heard what I clearly saw and heard,playing the victim all the time,when I exposed her she just discarded me like she doesnt know me,even said we didn't had relationship while we living together a year,I did everything possible for her she for me nothing what I wanted or needed in real life but my reality is if I dont live with her i live as homeless so now were just friends till i find a place to stay ,fast .I told her in her face she is narcissist she said:No I am not! I wanted to show her we are empath narcissist relationship she doesnt wanna look at all or hear about it.Worst thing that she is a social worker and psychotherapeut.Worst thing I can do to her is my silence she just cant stand it then she is all nice and kind. I went Supernova on her two weeks ago exposed her and broke relationship to pieces when she hurted my feelings one last time even she knew that she brakes my heart with her bulshit she just didnt cared taught in few days he will forgive me as always,boy she was in tears and suprised when she realized her secret (me) told her family,boss and friends she as drug counseler have a relationship with her ex client, now she is terified of me and getting truth bombs on daily basis.I told her dont underestimate and dont take me for granted she did and cant say she did a mistake and even didnt said she is sorry for breaking my heart.Worst thing is she saying that she is a nice persone and that I dont know what kind a persone she is.Narcisst to the bone evil one.Fuck how now I enjoy telling her that I am not staying friend with her,crocodile tears.
I feel you My family has used me as the punching bag for the longest time. I'm still training myself to not react when they start something with me but my life is vastly improved since I started this
Me too
I always thought I was just overacting and being sensitive, but when I learned more about these terms, I've come to realize that I have been putting up with their emotional abuse and mind games for so long.
Just know that you're not alone. I'm sorry you went through this. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be treated with love and respect. It has happened to me for too many years, and I've doubted myself for so long, so I know how it feels as all the people in the comment section sadly do too. We've been isolated by our narcs, but we're all in this together. I hope you'll get better.
Trust your instincts.if it feels bad/ ugly changes are it is..THAT.
Same here rose
Ditto 🦄🔥✨🌟🌃🌃💫💫🤗🤗🌃✨🔥🔥🔥🌟🌃💫🤗🌃✨🔥🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🔥🔥✨✨✨🌟🌟🌃🌃🌃💫💫🤗
Me too.
Disengaging because of helplessness is not grey rocking really hit me. Not reacting to my mother's abuse and emotional outbursts was my main way of survival growing up. Emotionally checking out and disassociating is my number one defense mechanism.
They do come back around. Watch out. I lost so many "friends" when I got to understand how my upbringing caused me to attract nothing but narcissistic people. I went through a lonely period before better, non-narc people started being available as my friends. The quality of contrast between these different types of people have helped me to keep my steady stance when those old narcs come looking for more supply.
This actually makes so much sense. Thats why i always wonder why do i always attract ppl so same type like i can again and again draw the connection between them and how my parents would react. Pretty bizzare.
What I appreciate the most about grey rock is that I get to maintain my sense of integrity.... I don't need to be mean or cruel.... just non emotional. If you don't give them emotion, THEY have nothing to hook into to knock you off your center.
Totally - I'm practicing this middle ground. There are things I want to do because it's in my moral code, give Christmas gifts for instance, reach out on birthdays - because that's what I would do for anyone else (my narcs are siblings). Just because the vilify me doesn't mean I have to conduct myself like a villain. I'm just checked out of the bullshit and emotionally closed for business.
Ditto
Wish I'd known gray rock 55 years ago and had known I was in a narcissistic relationship. I would have used it more than I unknowingly did and taught it to my children. Or, left him way before it did, when the children were very young, instead of grown.
So true
It’s so hard to go grey rocking when you’re really angry at what’s been done to you....I couldn’t do it for Xmas....I wanted to be a bit nice and give half decent pressies...then I thought....why should I....so I gave everyone the crappiest 50 cent decorations I could find.... they were not happy JAN....they can go suffer in their jocks....
Damn, this could have saved me 10 years of my life.
My 25 yrs😅Now gray rocking
I’m 13 years in now I’m Gray Rocking ...
I'm 10 yrs with current boss and his Wife. I feel I have watched these 10 years 🙁. But I will figure this out..
14
@@mamy22ka 22 stuck can’t move out 💀 because you would have to get married to buy a home and I am still studying so I am fked
Important note: If someone's reaction includes becoming abusive in any way, find a reason, any reason, to exit the situation - even just to go to the bathroom. Think of it as another form of grey-rocking - just a neutral reason to need to exit, so you aren't a standing target of abuse. Do this often, so that the other person finds out that you can't just be abused. Needless to say, if the abuse is physical, take steps to protect yourself (leave, make a safe plan, call authorities, etc - whatever is best in the situation).
I do this. I actually picked it up from him. I say, "Give me a second"
That stops him deep in his tracks because he uses it. I either interrupt this thoughts in a conversation/rant or exit all together. He notices it and immediately stops me and apologizes.
I CANNOT begin to explain the magnitude of validation this video just gave me at 2 in the morning.
My mother figured out I was 'grey rocking' her and that the game was over for her where I was concerned. This has triggered a neverending rage towards me. Angrier than ever and she is even worse now because she is MORE aggressive MORE cruel MORE demeaning to try to get a response. She has no one else she can use for supply- she's 73 yrs old and has burned all other bridges. This will only end when she passes away. I feel sorry for her somewhat but she isn't allowed to pull me down into her hole w her anymore.
Christy Christina I feel very sorry for u. I’m in a VERY similar situation
Me too, mine's in detox (81), then onto long term care facility! She's in the Maritimes, I'm in French Canada 🇨🇦 where she had her litter! "Will I be visiting?" That would entail 14 days quarantine and again when I'd return when we finally get our beautiful weather! She couldn't even give me 1 day yrs back, had to try to throw me out yrs back after inviting me Xmas Eve. She and her flying monkey had me for breakfast, lunch and supper! Her, who kicked me out at 17, having to then go twice for same abortion (thanks to butcher clinic) a nun in next bed and her in next room going through a hysterectomy! Yikes! Boyfriend out of town and overt coke head sis so happy to squeal on me when I reached out for support. Her who refused to witness my wedding? I'll spare you othersssssss!
Good for you. You get on with your life. I hope you're happy and fulfilled.
Same. Pure evils.
Make sure she has food and a clean environment. Give her zero emotion and zero contact otherwise. Physically distance yourself from her......
Gray rock became my permanent state because I did it unconsciously to deal with my mother. It's taken me many years to not default to that boring state when I'm around people with whom I'm unfamiliar, which has led to me having very few friends and no one paying much attention to me in the work place. This does work, but my advice is to always be aware you're doing this and have outlets for not doing it so you remember how to be yourself.
That’s my exact problem being raised by a Grandiose Mother and Covert Older Sister.
Same. It’s horrible the change to self that occurs just to deal with evil.
Yeah this is my problem. I promised myself at 12 I was never going to cry again. Except maybe one short season and less than once a year, I kept that. About 3 years ago my parents were no where nearby and I started retraining myself to have emotions. Then suddenly they’re back in my life again and here we go again...
Arysta Same, but it was my Dad. I’ve become a totally boring person!!!
@@ruthvansandt9713 There's a difference between suppressing our emotions and cultivating detachment. There's no reason to waste your tears on damaging people. Instead, detachment is the mindset we adopt when we learn to use the 'grey rock' techniques to stop validating abusive people.
Many spiritual practices teach detachment as being the best way to avoid suffering. This way we understand how to stop struggling with the world around us and maintain a level head while everyone else is losing theirs.
Good luck with finding the path that works for you.
I was married to a narcissist for 20 years and I crawled out of the marriage on my hands and knees after being in therapy for 7 years. Now I am having to tend to the needs of my elderly narcissistic parents without losing myself again. These videos are incredibly helpful. I feel like you have known me all my life. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
I hope you find peace
Stay strong..... I feel for you...
Praying for you 🙏
I am there with you …just came out of a 16 year relationship with a narc and also my ex husband is a narcissist and abuses his own son who’s now 30 to this day ….so my son is now no contact with his abusive father….sad but necessary for survival and sanity !
But why? Society has conditioned us into feeling obligated to serve people who mistreat us. The biggest crime? Birthing someone to serve you! Malignant narcs the world over: “Want a free maid, cook, receptionist, and errand girl who the government will pay for? Great! Pop her out! And she‘ll be a great nurse and caretaker later on too! Ha! We have it made!”
Screw that! Parents need to EARN their children’s respect as much as they expect theirs to be earned. You should not view children, prospective partners, and friends from the scope of: well what are you going to DO for me?
Gray rocking comes by practice...when we fail, we just need stand up and reinforce boundaries rather than feeling ashamed of slipping up with a narcissist.
THE narc always call me a narcissists when I go Grey rock 🤣
Ironic huh? To them it probably resembles their 'switch off' mode that they use to button-push. Heck,probably also a bit of projection in that remark!
😂🤣💪🏼🤩
Just don’t use “my narc “.. this monsters doesn’t deserve it..
Yep! Hilarious!
@@sayedarumi8736 you are right! thank you for this awareness words are so powerful 🥰 and didn't even realize until you pointed out what I was doing 😳 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Though a necessary technique, it truly magnifies the emptiness in a relationship with a narcissist.
Truth
Exactly
Yes... but you have some sort of sanity. I don't think we were created for someone abuse us and see as it is okay, or be in this predicament. If you can leave the situation this is the best remedy for your sanity 😌 I just began implementing this and it is working so far.
@@angelinaalarcon132 I am free of him over a year now. This was an invaluable implementation to my freedom. It starved him of supply and it made me responsible for my actions. Win win
Would a narcissist go as far as attempting suicide if spouse was only support/ outlet
Just escaped my narcissist. What she says is so true, brace for impact ladies! After three weeks of no contact I started getting attack texts around 4 AM. My non-response has finally had him stop. As she says no more supply here with me. Yes it’s very painful to realize how disposable you are when you thought you were in a loving relationship. That is the hardest part. He’s still holding onto my things and won’t drop them off. I have started dating and I think I have attracted another one, proceeding very carefully this time!
Good for you!!!
O good lord. It seem there are more of them than us. Take time out and date y’self for a good long while and tone up your attenae
Be careful dating again so soon. I learned my lesson! I am in the same situation and it almost seems identical. I just got out of a relationship that I've just discovered was a narcissistic relationship. I had to file a restraining order after going "gray rock" he thought I was cheating and so on. He vandalized my SUV one weekend by scratching it with a key, the next weekend he busted the windows out. I'd had enough. RESTRAINING ORDER. Weeks later....introduced to another NARCISSIST who bullied his way into my apartment, started using my car and asking for money. Love bombed me....until I couldn't take it any longer. One night I text him after he left (like he always did) and stayed gone until thr wee hours if the morning. I told him to go ahead and stay where he was because I didn't have time for the games any longer. Asked him yo pick up his things. He did DAYS LATER when I put them on the porch and sent him a picture. He came to pick the crap up and I made sure I wasn't home, because I wasn't sure how he would react to be being put out of my place! Well he still owes me money, has my house key (I changed the locks) and a few other items that he won't give back. I told him to keep the items. BOY did that pisd him off! He called me thr nastiest names you could call a woman. But it felt good to deny him of everything he was using me for. I promise not to give another PUNK any of my energy!! I hope things are well for you!
Dr Ramani says to try saying ' no' to various things to expose the narc. ' No I don't like that restaurant', " no, I can't make it this weekend", etc.
Dont take shit from these dangerous as people!!! They are nasty, rude, disrespectful, addicted to porn, in some cases alchohol, drugs etc. I didnt get my personal things and groceries even after calling the police. What a nightmare!!! 7 weeks of hell plus an additional 4weeks of false statements accusations which led to me resigning from my job!!! Unbelievable!!!!
I love grey rocking at work. Especially, when everyone knows I'm very funny, cool, laid back have such an up beat personality, never angry and just a very confident person. After I show them my true self and start to "grey rock"... I just find it hilarious when the narcissist or suspected narcissist has no clue what I'm doing. It's a very empowering thing when you do it on purpose and watch them be in limbo.
You described an area of grey rocking I neglected early on. I was good at grey rocking my narc manager, but on the inside I was still miserable. My HR leadership coach pointed it out to me with "Ok, but how do you feel on the inside?" and it all clicked. My narc manager now is saying he feels disconnected, as everyone is kind of distancing themselves from him, but when he isn't around we all collaborate normally to get things done.
They probably know switch to your boundaries right? Seems like they would shift. Thought I would ask but metaphorically if you would not rather respond. It's okay.
I’ve started doing this, but more from a spiritual ‘I know who I am in Christ, so I don’t need to engage in this, I don’t need to keep competing to look better - more empathetic - than her.’ It’s fun. 😂
Grey Rock really exposes the narc's impatience, if they can't get their rocks off, they resort to weakness and confusion.
Everytime I would do this , he would say "are you ok ?"
Just because they aren't okay as they don't get what they want from us.
How weird that these people adopt the same methods. I get the same from my narc colleague
That's how u know its working!
Thats interesting. My narc just continues on as if we were both in a happy place. Carrying on w superficial conversation. Attempt sexual relations. Or baiting and future faking. Then to avoid addressing the issue he says He's happy and would assume the c
" idk what your problem is but idc. Thats you." Attitude
Yes because they can't read us anymore
OMG the accusation of cheating...I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this
Wow! I did this without knowing I was doing it. That’s so validating to know I took the right path to my own mental health. :)
I even decided to just be my jolly self without reacting to them at all. I took a higher interest in my nieces and nephews and spent my time with them instead!
Same! Didn't even know that names existed on what I've been experiencing!!! It's spot on!! They're are so predictable now!!
Me too! I started doing it to my narc wife about a year ago without realising it was called "Grey Rock". I have felt guilty at times & I have got sucked back in a few times.
But there is still no acknowledgement that she had done anything wrong. In fact after about 8 months of Grey Rocking, she turned round to me & said, "Dont you love me anymore or fancy me anymore do you?" 🙄
Learning so much from Dr Ramini, she is like an angel sent...... 🙌🏽
Same. I think it becomes a form of self preservation or maybe I'm just too drained to care anymore. 😔
I have realised my newfound behaviour with my father, sister and husband have a name.
Grey Rocking.
It is encouraging to know that what I noticed was having an effect on their behaviour toward me, is actually a thing.
So instead of it being about me being defeated and exhausted, I can now see it as an act of empowerment. And continue with this powerful method
And thank you Dr. Ramini for pointing to the grief that one feels when you realize that the other person ONLY valued you for your narcissistic supply. Hard to feel but so true.
True because I never realized that I was actually supplying him with his sick need and devaluing myself
So true. Once I thought I was a human being with love to give and share. Then I realised that I had been reduced to human white ware. For years. Now I focus my love on my daughter so that she can have one loving role model.
This !!!
When I learned my parent was a narc, I tried using gray rock and they became absolutely furious, just like you described. It resulted in the enabler chasing me to my car yelling expletives at me in front of my two young children. I was the family scapegoat. It was when I knew it was time to go no contact with the both of them.
This really is so sad that it is heartbreaking. I, too, have been the scapegoat in my family with a narcissistic mother and two sisters.
My dad was the narc. and my mom the enabler. My only sibling is a covert narc. I was their scapegoat. My parents are gone now, and I am 9 years into NC with my sister. Sad, but necessary.
Stay no contact. If you go back it will just happen again.
Me too, last time my daughter and I dual visited gnaw was 13 yrs back! My daughter came home and quietly drew a devil with a pitch fork and R.I.P. See you again, Rest in Peace, and left in on the table, walked away! Blew my mind! Mom behaved absolutely horrendously, she's in detox now then onto long term care facility! I'm expected to visit? A 14 day quarantine then again upon return? Nice weather finally here in Canada! She couldn't give me one day, not one day! I'm no contact all over, they can't give you what you need anyway, only takers and our children certainly don't need their contamination.
🚮 🎠
After both my parents passed away I said adios to my absolutely nasty, narcissistic and perhaps borderline so sisters. It has been wonderful and I don’t miss them one bit. I’m getting to know who I am again! I don’t wish them well and I don’t wish them ill, and I rarely think about them.
Wow, I am so glad to hear this. I've been grey rocking to protect myself but thought maybe I was bad and selfish for doing it. I didn't know grey rocking was actually a tool to use.
It's hard to go gray rock when you don't have a lot of friends...
You will have a new love for yourself I think which will attract those types of people?
I am in the same place as you.
Me watching any of Dr.Ramani’s videos:
“yes yes” “wooooooowwwww” “this has been my whole life oh my god”
Stay strong people. Take care of and protect yourself. God Bless
Wow...God bless who? Pls, curb your God...not everyone shares this thinking!
Bless you ☮️
Same lmao
Ditto!
@@JudeScott007 after grey rocking my narcissistic mother for nearly 2 years long i feel pretty alone and lonely. Sometimes i feel very sad and depressed and lonely. And also having symtomps of post traumatic stress disorder from my past emotional abuses.
Heyy all! Hope we’re all healing and doing well
Thank you , likewise..
I just ended a domestic abusive relationship, i.e. emotional and verbal abuse three weeks ago. I am completely destroyed in all senses, and sought a therapist who introduced me to your videos. I have to say, your videos have been really helping me understand so many things that I did not even know had descriptions. For example I was confused as to why I miss him so much when he used to insult me with curse words and humiliate me by making me feel worthless. I learnt that my feelings are referred to as "euphoric recall" and I really learnt a lot from that specific video. Now, my next goal is to practice the "gray rock". This is especially difficult for me because he lives just across from the walkway from where I live. Furthermore, he knows me so well, to the point of knowing all my facial expressions and reading my body language. I gave too much of myself in just one year and a half. I am praying and hoping to be strong to implement this technique in my life. Thank you for this video, I love the way you talk to the audience. Real one on one and in lay man terms, like you know exactly what I am going through.
I've greyrocked my narc colleagues and my mental health has taken a huge tonne for the better since!
I was doing this before I ever knew what it was.
She brought up an interesting term: “getting enough sleep.” I functioned on 3-4 hours of sleep for several years, that when I ran the numbers because a life coach asked me about it, I choked on my tears. I had no idea that I was slowly allowing myself to be eroded like that.
Me too. I also realized that I never had dreams at home. I traveled 3 or 4 times a year and I would dream while away...but NEVER at home. Once out for good I began having regular dreams again.
I feel you. Once I would actually fall asleep she would come home and wake me up. She could fall asleep in 2 seconds while I'm awake half the night.
@@debrasuranyi9393 I walked out of that relationship thinking I was too toxic or too obsessed. After 3 years I realized that I was a victim of narcissistic abuse. All these years, I took her as my mentor, my guide to realize now how she manipulated. I cried like crazy today. I have moved on but I was having mental struggles. I thought I was depressed or somewhat suffering from mental illness. I am still stuck at the person I was 3 years ago. I actually lost myself...
I am now trying to recover. I cried thinking that how can someone do that to me! How did I let that happen. The whole experience is scary.
My narcissist always ended up blaming me for the late arguments at night. I haven’t had 70% of those nights with my current relationship.
I've lost my really great sleep routine because of this man, thank you for helping me focus on fixing that. Lack of sleep makes it harder to make good decisions, and can impact stress levels.
As an introvert, this comes naturally to me. I didn't know there was a term for this. And yes, it is incredibly effective!
I can say from putting into practice "grey rock' takes time and practice, and this truly does help me with my Narcissist.
@Wong Washer yes! It’s takes time to keep into practice and you cannot react or respond when your angry, stay stoic and be a happy person, that has been my biggest defense
When you go grey rock, one thing to watch out for is the response: "Are you doing alright?" Insinuating something is wrong with you. Or they may stir the pot, socially... so be ready, have integrity and don't give in- the good people around you won't buy into their character undermining and character assault that may come in subtle ways.
You so right.my husband pretended to be concerned for my sudden change.he suggested to see a psychologist and he will even sacrificed himself by coming with me for support. I've started to laughed so hard he was ready to book me into a psych ward. I left the house .now I moved myself into another room with a lock and chain. Yet, every night I hear him say "come to bad my love I missed you " night after night.
Of course...never thought of it before, but I can see this happening....thank you for mentioning this...they try make out like somethings wrong with you....and of course you just need to stick to your guns and keep on grey rocking ...or spew up on them...
@@mariediazcarlson2025 just put him out of his misery and tell the Neanderthal that a lock and chain is usually a sign that things are over...physically for now anyway...
Yes I agree. My ex asked me the same
After grey rocking him. My response was “Too many red flags and not to be discussed.” Then he Shame and blamed me followed by asking me to keep in touch and fix anything I need help with. I was like nope! Then Block!!
Yes I agree. My ex asked me the same
After grey rocking him. My response was “Too many red flags and not to be discussed.” Then he Shame and blamed me followed by asking me to keep in touch and fix anything I need help with. I was like nope! Then Block!!
Beware the narcissist may abuse someone you care about as a result of your grey rocking them. I started to grey rock my mother shortly after I learned a narcissism in 2018. She did get into several quite memorable rages. Then she started to psychologically abuse my children - did a lot of damage during the short time I was in the bathroom. I moved then to no contact. It’s such a relief not to have to worry about her rages and manipulations any more.
...Amen...💯👈
Mine did. She then focused her attacks on my handicapped brother. That's why I had to leave.
That's true, when I go grey rock or I play the same game of my brother when he gives me the silent treatment, he targets my mother with hurtful and verbal abuse so that I go talk to him again... It's a nightmare.. he knows I care about her..
When my wife started dating after her marriage breakdown. On the first date. Grandma told her son 7yrs. He needed to go pack his bags. Mum was finding a new husband and he wouldnt be wanted...bitch
I have been into an extremely painful narcissist relationship from the time I was born. You got it right! Unfortunately it is my MOTHER 😔
Same here!
It seems the narc can provide themselves with supply via having children. Personal experience as well.🤦😢
Same here
Rohit singh sosodia I guess you from India and I also from Indian family. In india most families are run by psychopathic mothers or covert narcissistic mothers and we their sons are just ploy to them. They use us for their own narcissistic supply. You told that you sufferer abuse from childhood and I too. Also my mother is a covert narcissist. I realized it at my 26 years of age.
Ugh, i feel your pain. Same here. It's really tough to gray rock, as I'm so used to freely sharing myself and my enthusiasm with my mom (i realize now it's because i was needing to see if she could give me the motherly responses i needed, even though she never really did). Now i am trying to gray rock, but i am getting flack not only from her but from my brother. It's so hard to know how to keep saying neutral things in response, instead of over-explaining or justifying myself....it's hard. Have you experienced any success in gray rocking with your mom?
I'm trying to Gray Rock the best I can, but controlling my emotional range is ROUGH. I am Bi-Polar, and with Narcissistic Abuse being one of my triggers I get very easily angered by Narcissism. To any other Spoonies trying to learn this method, it's possible. Just really, really hard. But I promise, keep practicing and you'll get there.
Here is a tip, see it as a duty, a responsibility. Its your responsibility to take care of yourself. Its your duty to not react and hols your emotions in for a minute. Its just something you HAVE to do and soon enough you will be not the best but defo in a better place. You deserve to be in that better place so its your duty to fight for it no matter what. Fuxk everyone and everything nothing more important than you and your own mental health.
Another good way to gray rock is to wear sunglasses 😎. I seen them squirm because they can’t read your reactions to them.
😆🤣
Or pretend you're I'll 🤢
That's a good one!
Grey Rock takes the spot light off you and "shines the light" directly on the narcisstic (in so many ways). Grey Rock is the game-changer. It is my saving grace. It is a powerful tool. I love Grey Rock. Grey Rock works❣
P.S. I actually have 'gray rocks' strategically places around my house, in my kitchen, bathrooms, office, laundry room, in MY bedroom (yes, we do not sleep together). I even carry small grey rocks in my hoodie pockets that I can wrap my fingers around and rub as a constant reminder when the narcissist is unavoidably in my presence.
So beautifully done! You Rock!
Go Sassy Granny👌😎
Valuble info
Great idea! My husband constantly gas lighting me with exaggerated demos of his everlasting love and genuine concern for my well being. Oh God so hard to stay calm keeping my self for wanted smacked him into
God!gray rocking is very hard when you recently learned the truth about the charlatan',s self portrait . Christian conservative views don't aproved abortions or gay marriages elevates his hands to praise the lord. Oh is so disgusting. After years of devaluing me and had kept as " his " out wife" Im thank God Im not crazy. Thanks to Dr Ramani and other clinical psychologists. Im going to join the Feb 20 th proyect she is doing. Thank you
You did something so crucial that was a big part of my childhood. In my house. We could not be too happy. Too sad. We couldn’t show any emotion that he did it allow. It was hard being a child in my home. School was my safe haven I could laugh and be free away from my narcissist parent. He just needed total control of everything from everyone. So pitiful. I learned how to full myself In my childhood home.
It is devastating you are right. To sit there and validate yourself with their actions as you go grey rock or as I say comfortably numb.
But you aren't numb and you basically watch the person you thought you knew die in front of you and be replaced by this.
I ive in a senior apartment complex where I see the narc daily so I have to gray rock. I took an actual rock, painted it gray and an olive branch on it to remind me if I'm going to have peace, I have to gray rock.
I think I’ll need to do that too! Thanks.
Great idea. I just watched this video I love this comment!
Good for you Christina Childress. I've been living around so many narc's in other apartment complexes and as the Dr. has taught the majority are men. And, about 9 months ago when you made your post I started experiencing some of the worst yet. Thank God has led me to this Forum.
Great idea!
Great idea. I need visuals at times as reminders.
II pray that anyone going through any type of toxic relationship can stay steady and persistent with this technique GOD BLESS everyone 🕊💝
Thanks Audrey
Religion has no place in this discussion and how are you qualify your right to bless me or anyone? Many, including myself subscribe to the tangible, to reason and facts, not delusion and wishful thinking!
@@JudeScott007 😹😹😹
Thanks. God is blessing me w this new way of dealing w the narc. I see freedom here!
This woman is doing immense social service to people who suffer YET doubt themselves if may be THEY did something wrong
She is giving them knowledge and confidence. Thankyou, dear Dr Ramani 🙏🏼😊
Dr. P has changed my life! After the Red Table Talk I learned that my dad is a malignant and mom is a covert! I’ve watched 30 of her RUclips’s in 1 week and everything is starting to make sense, and I’m finally starting to feel at peace! I’ve seen 8 therapists and been in therapy for over 15 years! All it took was the Red Table!
I’m gray rocking almost everyone in the world.
"I am a rock, / I am an island. / For a rock feels no pain; / And an island never cries." -- SImon & Garfunkel song
😅is that healthy?
Adama Deen as a survivor of severe narcissistic abuse by my mother, I married another who abused me worse than my own mother did. I see narcissism everywhere, now. Is it healthy? Probably not. Let’s define healthy, first. Who can you really trust??
You probably have developed an Avoidant attachment style. It's perfectly understandable that you did, however it isn't healthy.
It's hard to trust other people after you've been severely abused and hurt by someone you trusted. I hope you can learn about Avoidant attachment style (if you don't already), and do the required work to heal.
Lots of love
Omar Hawari I don’t have AAS. In fact, I don’t even have a single one of the traits. I like people, and am jovial. I just chose to let them do 95% of the talking, and I listen. I also don’t care how they feel about a topic, like politics, religion, etc.They are welcome to feel however they want, and express their opinions. 99.9999% of the time, people are perfectly happy doing most of the talking, and rarely ask a single question.
I went gray rock. The rage was out of control dangerous. I’m fluffing for survival while I plot my escape. First therapy session tomorrow. Thank you Doc ❤️
Be careful. Georgia Smiles can help
@@wordgirl920 So you mean this? ruclips.net/video/FxsBjd0uKR0/видео.html
How are you doing now? Wish u nothing but the best
Make sure your therapy focus is majority on you improving you. The narc is and will always be a narc. But you can change from being a victim.
...Escape, and never look back, is best ...💯
Prayer for these loved ones or persons we must work with not only is beneficial for them in ways we may never know, but also can be healing / a source of comfort for ourselves through the difficult time.
My mom coached me on not engaging when I was a kid. I'm the type of talkative empath who seems to be a natural scapegoat, and she saw me giving bad behavior attention, and helped me learn the technique.
But I felt so guilty! I would feel like a bad person, being insincere because my natural personality is to be very engaged with people, so it's obvious that I don't like someone when I disengage every time they are around.
It wasn't until I had kids of my own that I stopped caring if someone can tell I'm not comfortable with them. I have my family's peace to think about.
TWO smart mamas!!
I have to practice being ok with shutting down on certain people
My father taught me this art even with family members
@@waynebyas5659 definitely not easy. I hope you are well
Amen ! As an Empaths, we Realize Protecting our children, family, and Loved ones Comes First !
Sometimes when we grey rock they will get in our face & yell. Be prepared to be spit on and all kinds of temper tantrums & hold your ground. Grey rock does work, but they keep trying.
What I needed to hear! My sister is always telling me, confront him tell him about it, tell him how it made you feel, now I know my instincts of keeping quite was right.
Omg I nearly spit out my coffee lmao when you talked about how narcissists will suspect their partner is cheating on them when they’re being grey rocked 🤣.
Wow - when they feel like a victim, you're giving them Narcissistic supply. Good to know!
They oscillate between pretending to be the hero and pretending to be the victim.
@@lauramartins5953 wow! They love to be the hero, too?! I've seen it but didn't know it was universal... interesting
@@jfdc8432 They change the role according to what suits each situation the best. This is related to something called the Karpman's drama triangle. This video explains it very well ruclips.net/video/y5fyKWaTXco/видео.html
@@lauramartins5953 this video has been removed..😪😪
When i went grey rock i was told that im driving them to other women. That was music to my ears. Lol
Sad 4 next victim
It's always best when the trash takes itself out.
Haha love it
Lmfaooo right 😂😂
Dr. Ramani, I wish I had known all about covert narcissists decades ago. You describe exactly how a narcissist behave. It seems that they all follow the same pattern of behavior. Thank you so much for educating us … the narcissistic abuse survivors.🙏🏻
I loved her so much...
we spent 10 years together, and seeing you describe her behavior like this is almost surreal. Every single one of your videos sheds light on some reflection of my beautiful narcissist from the past. I was never going to leave, I was wholly committed and things really were good from time to time, but a simple refusal to put up with the nonsense... the gaslighting... the stonewalling... the tearing me down and pretending it was something else...
its been 7 months since she left. She got her degree and new job, within 2 months she was gone. I cant tell if she left me or if I left her... I certainly let her think she was leaving me but it was only my intense refusal to submit to her warped version of reality that made her leave...
I don't regret any of it. We had a great time, but in the end I just couldn't pretend her words made sense anymore, and asking her to explain meant effectively the end of our relationship. with her gaslighting and lies, she molded me into something impossibly strong. She was a gigantic and powerful stepping stone in the story of my growth, a worthy if not dishonorable opponent.
It helps knowing someone else knows what happened, even though you never knew us.
Thanks
Funny thing is i stumbled upon the "grey rock" technique last year naturally and it definately works.
I learned it out of self-defense. My father was a bully and I was the family scapegoat. Everything and anything was used against me. If I was actually having success, I couldn’t share it because there was jealousy and also snide comments. If I was down and out it was even worse! So I was always just “OK.“. Now that I think about it, it was much worse when I was very successful. Very sad that I could never share the good stuff in my life. But I just couldn’t. It is really a good self protective tactic.
@@robynlund8317 yes im speaaking of my dad as well and everything you've said about your dad is "EXACTLY" the same thing ive experienced. This is amazing that im not alone in this world. That there are so many people that have gone through similar experiences.
@@robynlund8317 thanks for sharing. I experienced a similar childhood. Everything that went wrong in our family was projected on me. I had no chance from the very beginning of my life. I began to play the clown and learned to entertain people, at least when they were laughing it was attention and kind of success. In school the teachers were not amused, so again I failed. My parents both were violent and if they didn't slap me they were making fun of me in front of family or even foreigners. I learned to never speak about my feelings, to never introduce friends to them, to lie what I'm doing or where I'm going. I moved out when I was 17, with almost no money, but being poor, living with 2 other young people together in a tiny apartment was the best that could happen to me. Free finally. However I needed ages to overcome all that trauma. Take care guys and please stay healthy 💜🙏💚
This is a good time to do grey rock since we are more isolated with Covid. They can’t find another supply right now either and it drives them crazy.
I did figured out too myself too. I became " gray rock " and he just left with no looking back.
I've developed a dismissive little snort/snicker, Tell them "if that's what you chose to believe " and just walk away. Makes them nuts.
It might make them go nuts but why play the game at all? It’s an unhealthy dynamic.
When I don’t react to his anger or tears, because he does that too, I get called heartless which is really hard for me not to react to. I’ve started the grey rock stage, it’s very hard to bite my tongue and not give any looks when he says something to get a reaction. Wish me luck everyone. I’m trying to find a local therapist to give me some strength to get through to the end. Thank you Dr! Your videos have made me realize it’s not me!
Did you start therapy yet? I tried it (which helped) but most therapist don't seem to acknowledge NPD. I feel like there's more help on YT lol
@@maribella2139 I actually had my first therapist visit this morning. And I was very afraid to drop the word narcissist, but she seemed to instantly understand. She asked me a few clarification questions about what I’ve been living with, and at the end of it all, she said we could role play some of the hard conversations that I need to have and make me more resilient for what’s coming. She really helped put my fears to rest for a bit. You have to just remember not all therapists are knowledgeable about all the different personality disorders out there. Don’t give up, if the one you saw doesn’t seem like they have a full understanding maybe you try elsewhere. You need to find someone who knows a thing or two about the narc habits I think to get the help and reassurance you need.
@@katmurphy7093 awesome! Glad you are beginning a refreshing journey! I've tried 3 therapist so far and none seem to believe the possibility of what a narcissist can do. The first one I went to even chuckled when I mentioned the word Narcissist, as if I'm overreacting or doing too much google. But you're right, I'll keep looking. Sounds like you found your therapist! Good luck and stay strong 💛 we can do this!
Stay strong! You got this 🌿
Grey Rock is like having a magic wand. It's the best tool ever invented!!! 🤩🥳🤪🥰🥰🥰
This is Spot It! This absolutely saved my sanity!!! Now celebrating No Contact 2years.....with now receiving heavy hoovering from this demonic entity.
Stay strong! I'm celebrating 61 days of no contact, hope to reach 2 years like you.
S A ❤️ Love YOU First!!!!!
Issa demon alright 😩
Had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but I see it as a future decision. So sad.
That's exactly what he did, when I backoff because I was at my limit with him, he assumed and accused me of cheating on him. I'd say "Oh, it can't be how badly you mistreated me that I want to stay away from you?" and he never acknowledged that, all of a sudden I was the cheater and mistreating him. I'm so grateful for your teachings because even thouh it's been over a year I broke up with him, I feel like I'll never meet someone that I fancy the way i did him when he was on his love bomb and good mood. Your teachings are like a pill, thank you!
My whole life dealing with romance I thought I was cursed or doing something wrong but it just appears I'm a magnet for such people :DDDD
Thank you for this. Gray rock sometimes feel like it’s depression, when you feel defeated. This has helped my own psychological fortitude. Has validated my experiences that I really needed. Thank you
I think it's unfair why I have to be uninteresting to neutralize a narcissist.
Because the narc can't really stand to see you happy and full of life. It's the same type of behavior from neighborhood bullies.
Then leave the narc
It sucks cuz I had a kid with mine.. so she will always be in the background hating on me.. hope she dont get to my kid
You only have to be uninteresting to the narcissist. You can be FABULOUS to everyone else! *hugs* You got this!
@@dd87127 It's my mother; she's poisoned the whole family against me.
I am going no contact with someone I’ve known for 5 years. Thank you for the tools.
Both my mum and my husband luv to bait me....they clearly think I’m easy bait material....they bait me and bait me...and watch my face to see if I’ll blow up in anger...they literally watch my face and look for a change of expression with such enthusiasm....it’s like they are watching their favourite movie again...
It sickens me to know they luv to rev me.....it feels degrading and I feel totally uncared for....
I’m her daughter, and I’m his wife...but I know they don’t care for me now...
Cos you can’t do this to someone you luv...and Thanks DR Ramani for sharing your grey rock method....I use it now and always will....it gives peace....
I don't know what I'd do without your videos Dr. Ramani. Thank you
Dr Ramani, I have had multiple relationships fail. I have shown many of these narcissistic traits myself and I realze the narcissism withib myself. It almost feels asif I should start greyrocking myself. But I have made the decision to take responsibility and become the best version of myself. Thanks for your insightful and strong teachings on this global epidemic.
I think I just discovered another thing that works too. I used it on my neighbour. I played the narcissist on her. I started speaking about me, my things, my little stories, whatever, never never letting myself be shut up and pretending that I didn't even was listening to her. It's been not even a month now and she runs away from me like the devil from the cross ;) lol
Yes, that can work as they're not interested in anyone else's life unless they can use it to get something they want. Just be careful to avoid telling them anything useful. 🙃
Lol, that's what I did to my neighbor too once I picked up on her passive aggressive comments, I just started over running her verbally, talking louder than her, faster than her, not letting her finish her sentences even, she avoids me like the plague now, it worked !
@@deliajones9541 They hate to feel less than or not to be the center of attention. Now, one can do this without being agressive or unpolite even. One can just steal the show and they're gone! My experience is that grey rock doesn't work. They don't care that you are just standing there apathic. They just keep on talking and doing their thing.
I just learned that there is a term for something that I've been doing my whole life.
And crazy enough, my mother recently told that she didn't like the way I didn't talk to her when I was younger or even now as an adult. I told her that whenever I came to her in emotional distress, she was never able to meet me at the level I needed or gave me the emotional support and comfort that I needed.
Life is insane.
It basically got to a point where I started to disassociate myself from who I really was and I was just 'there' in life. I was on survival mode but I wasn't living.
I would have dreams that I was in a car, but never the one driving.
Going away to college helped me realized more of myself and that distance between my mother and I was necessary for me to find myself. Wow. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
I grew up with narcisist parents, but never realized they were abusive until my brother went no-contact with them and called it out. I naturally used to go grey rock or soul distance myself when I was younger, and depressed, but with years of not living with them I forgot how abusive they are, and kind of got too comfortable with healthy relationships that I forgot how much this one needed all of these until I shared a big dream of career change. I've been tagged and raged at since then and just remembered how I should never do it again, and how necessary these techniques are for survival in such a situation. Now I'm more able to document and speak with people around me about the abuses, not feeling that I was evil for treating them badly, but that they were actually violent in ways I didn't perceive.
OMG I am a Gray Rock champion. I could teach classes. I'll call it Gray Rock N' Roll.
I didn't know there was a word for it. I always call it "shutting down." It's a skill. It really helped me work with kids with extreme behavior problems.
I did it naturally with my dad from a young age, to avoid his rage.
@@Treebard sooo….. do you have those classes available? 😬 I would like to learn this skill
If u could share the stories and techniques
I'm the scapegoat. When my narc dad was upset my mum said "You have to go make him feel better now. You have to be nice to him". I almost threw up since I'm in my 40s now and she's been doing that rubbish to me since I was a child.
Same thing happened to me. My dad was devaluing me and I said, "You can't talk to me like that. I'm not a child anymore." And he became enraged and called me an asshole! Then my mom told ME to apologize!
Please don't go grey rock when you're in a relationship with a narcissist and have children together. My father did this and by consequence left me and my brother alone with her tantrums and abuse. He never engaged or stood by our side, he just abandoned us. And my mother never threw him in the trash btw, she just never gave up. She still isn't.
I went grey rock for years when I finally moved out without knowing there was a term for it, just knowing, that I couldn't feed her with any personal information or emotion because she would eventually use it against me. And she never backed down. Never. But she couldn't hurt me anymore, because she didn't have anything she could use against me. Her tantrums amused me, cause she was trying to get something out of me but just couldn't. So, yes, it works. But as Dr. Ramani sais, be prepared I to receive a shitstorm. I went no contact last year and she is still trying to lure me out and trying to reach me. She's relentless.
I took your Gray Rick advice in a workplace setting with a boss and it was remarkable. I had a gray rock from Lake Superior that I kept on my desk to remind me. Interestingly underneath it, it was split into the rock to expose a lake Superior agate in the inside. This really was wonderful because it helped remind me that underneath that strange distancing shell I put forth to the narcissist was the same warm and caring individual I really was inside. I’ve pretty much been able to go no contact with the narcissists in my life and been successful with Gray Rock but have slipped up on occasion when they at weddings or funerals and they endeavor to use me as supply in front of other people, like, comply or look bad. I didn’t worry too much about that because being I’ve cut them off basically in all other ways, it seems almost to aggravate them and upset them, even deflate them knowing I won’t give them anymore than a little reminder of ‘what they’ve lost and will never have a constant or consistent supply of ever again.’ Sure, I can put on a good show so others who are not on the narcissist’s selective meanness list or under his charms won’t think ill of me, but when I walk away, the narcissist is left with, really wanting constant more and not ever getting that again.
my sister is a narcissist. She will turn everything into a fight and tell me I am disrespecting her.
THey love winning the Oppression Olympics, don't they?
I tried this method but it left me more drained cause he tried harder to engage with me. Demanded more of my attention and Narcissist supply. I left. Its the best decision ever! And I can't imagine being quarantined with him or his bratty Narcissists children. What a damn nightmare.
Wish you all the luck
Now gray rock will work better...hard to gray rock when you’re living together. Well done for moving out
Well, children cannot be narcissists since they can change from professional help. Let's not literally throw the baby out with the bathwater. They are his children and not yours, correct?
Wow sounds like me also because I’m working now on leaving and he and his kids are the same way!
@@LisaMaryification Children can't be Narcissists, is that a fact? Being that an adult narc is at the emotional state of a 4-9 year old child, chances are abuse or neglect happened to them during those formative years.
This is one of the most important videos on the internet. Thank you so much for taking such a complex topic and making it accessible.
I’ve been failing to deal with toxic work clients for years, and it’s been burning me out. I really appreciate your advice in this video, it has helped me understand how important it is to adopt this attitude in dealing with these assholes 😂 thank you 🙏
This really helped me, as my dad basically holds my future in his hands but his narcissism is a battle I have to deal with in order to obtain my future. 8 more months before he sends me to a new country so I NEVER have to deal with him again. Wish me Luck!
So..? How did it go?
@@jamingrocks9334 yes, an update!
He doesn’t really hold your future in his hands. Don’t tell yourself that, because you define yourself as very dependent and powerless that way. You’ll be an adult from 18yrs old onwards for many many years with your own responsibility for your thoughts, actions and what you give your attention to.
I had to do this along with going almost a week without showering to repel him. 🤢😷 Just gray rocking him made him violent. He finally left yesterday! 🤗😇🥰 Thank you for spreading this much needed awareness during during this mental health epidemic. #lifesaving
that is creative I like it xD
You made me realize I've been doing this as a way to cope. But, today you gave me permission. Thank you.
For me, going gray rock turned out to be a better option than going no contact. It's because I had to look very honestly at my own ego and stop trying to be unavaliable and misterious, and just try to be boring (gray rock). He had left me alone after that, finally.
I love the way she looks into the camera as she's talking to me. Doctor Ramani has this special connection when she discuses these lessons. She's very empathic.
My ex husband (covert narcissist) grey rocks me. I think he's convinced that I'm the narcissist. (Learning that he is, in fact, a narcissist would be injurious to his ego. It would damage his self-perception because he wants to believe that he's a good guy, that I was the problem, that he was justified in behaving the way he did during our marriage, that he's the victim and the martyr.) When I grey rocked him during the divorce, he took that as evidence that I was the one with the communication problems and I was the emotional abuser because I was cold and emotionless (as though I was stonewalling him), and he kept telling his (equally narcissistic) attorney that I was "refusing" to communicate with him. His attorney, in turn, wrote that in court documents in an attempt to paint me in a bad light. Narcissists like to twist everything around and project.
Re: the communication part: Exactly!!! Been going through this for 14 years. Never ending smear campaigns and painting me in the worst of light because I had boundaries. The courts tore down all my healthy boundaries and eventually bought all his lies. I too was accused, and still am, as the uncooperative co-parent who refuses to communicate. The irony, the communication I gave him while having primary custody of our children was exponentially greater than anything he’s done since he gained primary custody after his 12 year long game of false narratives and smear campaigns.
So much more insanity. But I’ll spare you the rest.
Tina Marie Tina Marie hi I have a very similar situation to yours that I am currently experiencing and I can use some insight and advice please. Email me please ellissire-gmail
Yes... he believes he’s the good guy and I am the problem. He justifies everything for himself and his narc family.
What a mind f-k
I am being called a narcissist by him I don’t even know why I am
Never called a narcissist in my entire life
This video is incredible, thank you Dr. Ramani. This describes everything I'm going through. I was coming close to, as you put it, succumbing back into engaging, but this has empowered me to push through the grief. The weight of the realization that my relationship with my mother is merely her supply has been crushing, but I see now that there is light on the other side.
I, too, have been tempted to re-engage emotionally ×ith my mum again, but this video has inspired me to keep my emotional distance and be that boring grey rock 👍 🪨 It is really hard, because we deserve to be loved by our mothers, not used for their own needs....
I was raised by a narcissist and have had to use this method in order for them to still have a relationship with my kids. It has worked so well so far. 💯
Unbelievable they are! They can just lash out at their target for even existing! Pathetic people
that's the feeling I got. Also they are the only ones who think they are experiencing life
@@neilmcdougall4927 ironically they r the hero in their movie aren't they