My spouse is doing everything he can and he states, “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you”. I feel really bad as even though he’s very attentive, regained his deep faith, and I see he’s trying…I just can’t ever see my admiration and adoration returning. I thought he walked on water before it happened, now I realize he’s capable of not only drowning but taking our family with him. How does one EVER undo, not remember, not see?🤷🏼♀️ I know the reasons. I know I should not have had him on a pedestal. I know all humans are capable. …but I now know he is weak, selfish, narcissistic (at least during the affair), and ever other negative thing I never dreamed he was…how does one ever overcome knowing they actually AREN’T anything what you thought they were (24 years)? I’m trying hard, but each little thing he does that made me (before the affair) love him more, I just take it as something he’d use to attract an affair partner. His looks, money, wit, intelligence, community respect, great speaker, hard working, fantastic father, and best husband ever attributes are lost on me now. I’ve lost respect and THAT has been the greatest obstacle to me getting over it. It isn’t that he slept with a whore (people willing to cheat are 3/$1). It is the disappointment that HE would actually stoop low enough to cheat that’s killing me. I highly respected and absolutely adored him! My disappointment that I must live the rest of my life with the knowledge he isn’t the man I thought he was for 24 years is destroying me! I’m trying. It’s been 3.5 years and I still fight packing up and just walking away from the emotional battles in my mind! Thankfully we have 3 young men and one grandson that holds my ropes tied to the family unit my husband so easily disregarded.🤷🏼♀️ If it wasn’t for our boys, my husband can definitely find out what he has missed by being married to one person! I’d gladly give him his wings to fly like a silly 61 year old that still thinks he’s 30!!
You wrote my story. It's been 22 months since DDay and just today I had the horrible thoughts of "I have nothing left to fight for...if we work great, if we don't then I'll be okay". We were in the minority having a monogamous marriage, been with each other only since we were in our teens, and to know he has took something so precious and gave it to someone else we are now just like everyone else, now in the majority and that makes me feel like it just doesn't even matter anymore. I love him with all I have and will stay with him and love him but it will take many many more little moments of microtrusts to rebuilt trust and respect. Maybe I'll get to a point where I respect him again and trust him again that we are worth fighting with everything again.
This is my story. He is even 61, also. I identify myself in every word. It's been 8 months, but there have been multiple affairs and sex addiction for 16 years !! We are holding on to God and therapy and his willingness to change and be different. I just can't have the same feeling of admiration. Now is more like shame and compassion. If only men knew what this bad decision can cause to a person and families.
To be honest, I don't think I can be that strong to survive infidelity. I know most people probably can, or eventually can, but I know I probably won't see my spouse or my marriage the same way as before. I can co parent or take care of family chores after the storm, but I don't think I will be able to live a life or for the rest of my life like this. I know lots of people would choose to stay and enjoy the family life together, but personally I think it's a heavy burden for me and, to be honest, for me it would feel like running a successful business or company with my cheating spouse, not a real marriage that I want. I would probably get divorced, find myself again, and eventually remarry and know that I can still live the life I want. Being faithful to me is really, really important for me personally. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is innocent in relationship and not betraying each other no matter what.
Totally understandable. I once had the same boundary. Then I fell into limerence at about year 7 in our marriage. I didn't even know what was going on. It was an emotional affair, but, I never wanted to leave my H. I never blamed him for it or vilified him. We survived that without any help from a 3rd party. Well, "survived" may not be the right word. Here we are and at year 22, my husband fell into limerence. It's been a year and he is still in the limerent fog. No recovery work for the marriage, justy individual counseling to help him with the depression and anxiety that limerence can bring. I constantly ask myself, how long can I stand. He is not safe, not healthy, he is emotionally manipulative, etc and I have lost that passionate love for him. We separated, which, oddly helped because I began my journey into grief and healing. I am grateful for that, but, now that I know what healthy is, do I trust that my H will do the self-reflection and work once the limerence fog lifts? Am I wasting more time trying to revive a dead marriage. I am currently staying for this kids and I don't want to give up too soon. If my husband gave up on me 2 soon, we would not have had our children. All I can do is heal, set boundaries, and prepare for anything. I hope you never go through this, but, if you do, don't jump into anything, even if you thought that is how you would react. You know how child-free people always say, "If I had kids, they would act like..." and we all roll our eyes? It's because you never know until you are in the thick of it.
My unfaithful husband got angry and just disappeared for six hours on Saturday reinforcing all my fears of him not being trustworthy. He promised he wouldn’t ever do that, but there he was breaking yet another promise. I told him that boys are led by their emotions and that men are led by their word. After all it was being led by feelings that caused him to break his vows to begin with. Remember when a man’s word was everything? Remember when fathers taught their sons to honor any promise? Because you asked for gracious suggestions, then I would offer that if you’re wanting respect from your betrayed spouse, then learn to be a man led by your word, not a man led by your emotions, even if what it costs you is spooning down a little humble pie.
This is exactly where im at 3yrs later. He willingly shared or talked very little. Its all on me. So im moving towards being single. I like the videos though because it helps with my own recovery. Not the marriage because ive stopped sharing or expressing
Where my heart is at this moment in the middle of trying to heal-I believe initiative towards self reflection for recovery DAILY is KEY. At least for the first few months. We don’t feel safe, especially if you’re told “let it go” or “we’re not talking about the past”. THE PAST IS WHAT WE LEARN FROM. Healing individually is SO important, but to grow and heal the marriage it will need to be done together as well. If the unfaithful becomes agitated by discussing infidelity and it triggers them, it just shows the betrayed that they aren’t working through it in themselves. The shame that keeps unfaithful from discussing it holds just as much power over them as it did when it was a secret it their own head. Praying for everybody that is trying to heal. God is the only way to heal your soul, trust me I’ve tried it without him. Him first, internal recovery work after that, then finally marital recovery work.
I think that the reason laziness creates doubt is mainly because it tells the betrayed that you are not hurting enough to do the work. As a betrayed, I felt that I HAD to work. I HAD to research, educate and understand ALL of it, because I was hurting so badly. I admit that I am the controlling spouse and when I felt like crap, I wanted him to feel like crap. It just said to me that he wasn’t hurting enough so that I felt I needed to make him hurt. After this first year...(only year, Im not planning on memorializing it again) I realized that his shame and his pain mostly manifested during his affair. After I found out about the affair his response to me was driven by shame, not hate, not disrespect, not carelessness. He had passed the majority of his bad feelings onto me because he was relieved! He really had no idea how badly he would hurt me. He only cared about himself and thats why he felt shame. Once he was able to forgive himself (as backward as that sounds) he was able to have empathy and respect for what he had done to our “us”. When that happened and I quit punishing him, there was a huge increase in his working attitude towards recovery. I know this is hard to hear for some betrayed however I truly believe that if you live with an attitude of love and forgiveness and compassion (with a few explosions in between) you will know sooner rather than later whether it has been worth your effort to stay. That was when I regained respect for him. When I quit looking over his shoulder, when I made my own recovery a priority is when he finally stepped up. Now that I stopped expecting the worst, Ive gotten the best out of my spouse. I finally feel like it has been worth staying for. Samuel, I told you at EMS you saved my life. Thank you for all that you do for we betrayed as well as the ones who have made just a terrible mistake. All of us make mistakes and its what you do afterward that matters the most. Standing in the storm, letting us have a bad day, letting us call you names and not being defensive. Being safe works. You cant argue with someone who isn’t defensive, who doesn’t berate or blame. You just cant. Safety is key. P.S. We both did ETT therapy and it helped tremendously in conjunction with EMS weekend and couples therapy with a skilled and experienced therapist.
I'm struggling to decide whether to take back my girlfriend or not. i'm stuck in between. We've been together for about 6 years. One month ago i found out that she was having an affair for over a year. She ended that affair, and was ignoring the other guy for about two months, and then i found out all this. The guy sent me their pictures, and screenshots of their sexual conversations to take revenge on her. I was absolutely devastated (this word can't even express that feeling)! I broke up with her....but, continued to talk about the affair through chatting online...She gave me details, apologized to me and my sister, said, she was guilty and ashamed...I shared my feelings and the pain that i was going through...one month later last week we met again...we (mostly i) talked about many issues...mostly about the affair, she was uncomfortable and at times also showed irritation, she was crying the whole day...she came to my place, stayed the night...we both cried, hugged, kissed, again talked about the affair...just wanted to know "why?!!"... through all that chatings we had in one month and when we met this is her response, "i just don't know...even i'm also trying to find that ans myself...i never thought i would hurt you like this...but, i just don't know why i did that...may be it was just infatuation...it was my fault that things got this ugly...tell me how can i get you out of it...Forgive me...I am sorry... how can i make you feel better...watching you in pain is so hurtful for me...etc etc" most of these she said in texting...when she was with me she mostly cried...and, when she saw that i was giving a lil smile she was like everything never happened, certainly laughing, making jokes, (i also laughed a little), but, soon i again got that sad face...and she starts crying again....and, said, plz try to forget that part, at least try....and i was like "wow! you think it's that easy?!!" then the environment would get heavy again... then we again give hugs, more crying, and questionings.... Next morning, we said goodbyes. :( But, it's also true that we were having problems...i do feel that i wasn't showing enough love, care and affection (even tho i did love and cared for her so much), i didnt talk about or showed less interest about marrige(but i wanted to mary her)...there was huge communication gaps...i found another peoblem of her is that, she always seeks attention or validations from others, she just can't stay alone, always looking for sympathy from others, low self-esteem, etc after knowing all those underlying problems in our relationship and analysing the whole situation, i do feel like giving 'us' another chance. but, few days ago she gave me few more details about the affair (i insisted, it was just bugging me to my core)....she said there was quick kisses 3,4 times, and, quick touching here and there, there was explicit video calls 3,4 times...but, insured me they never had Sex! Now, i am finding it too hard to believe, and got Hurt all over again! Could you plz give me some suggestions! I'm just too confused right now! (sorry for this long story)
Jack Nil. Im sure you’re asking for Samuels advice bit I just wanted to throw out something about my story. The best advice I took was to not decide right then. (On D-day). Its too devastating and you wont feel like yourself for quite a while. Give yourself an amount of time to not decide. Mine was 15 months and I can say that Im glad I stayed. The caveat to this was that my husband worked hard on our recovery. It took him a few months to really “get it” but he finally did. Hopefully your wife will too. Focus on your own recovery. Its the only thing you have control over. You should also consider an ER weekend or the online program. Listening to these blogs was a life saver.
I really appreciate you apologizing on behalf of betrayed person however it’s you admitting. Not our spouse! They blame all on us. It’s not only them it’s their whole entire family. After all, it’s not about us. It’s not about the children it’s them. How do you Handle your your spouse who won’t even recognize their flaw? It’s everyone else but them! They don’t see their flaws? Then what?
The part about creating space once drives the point home that cheating wives just aren't capable of being safe. A woman can yell and scream at a cheating man and he'll take it. But a cheating wife is wired differently and will likely shirk away or run away out of fear, because they can't handle us at our worst and when we're hurt. This is the main reason why the outlook for cheating wife is so so bad.
work on you as much as you can. make it safe that when they are ready, the betrayed will get help. be safe for them and be compassionate for them. then, perhaps set a timeline in your mind of how long you'll do this....maybe forever....maybe a couple years...but get an idea of how long you'll live like this with them not getting help.
I am a betrayed that has been diagnosed with trauma induced PTDS. I feel more fear and confusion over 1 year into recovery than I did 6 months ago. Is it possible that someone could be in the stage of shock/denial for months?
Sue Girdler we’ve done some counseling together and he some individual counseling. I am not under the care of a psychiatrist. I’ve been with him since the age of 15. He’s all I’ve ever known and I think that’s why there’s such a deep disconnect. Thank you for your response. It means a lot! I do still love him and want to get past the hurt.
thank you for clarifying it. it's absolutely possible to be stuck like that. have you received any help for the trauma? have you watched my interview with MJ about the trauma of the betrayed and ptsd? it's more than possible to be stuck unless you've had some strategic trauma care. there are two form so treatment i would recommend. not both, but either one. EMDR is a great help and ETT is another fantastic form of treatment. ETT is newer and not as many therapists are trained in it. EMDR is much easier to find and either way, you can get unstuck my friend. you really can.
Unfaithful partners (women) have the societal protection to avail themselves as "victim" even though they were the perpetrator of victimizing their male partner/husband. How do we help women take the blanket off and encourage them to do Recovery work such as them showing initiative and putting forth the work to ensure no relapse occurs? Too much focus is on the man "fixing/doing" in this society. Otherwise, great info and well-received!
most likely by boundaries and communicating to them that you won't simply go along to get along and that it's not ok to NOT get expert help. if they get to do whatever they want, and there are no consequences, then there isn't much motivation for them to take action. if they are not willing to get expert help, at some level, there should be a caution (at the very least) maybe even an unwillingness to just 'get back to normal'. they may need to see that you're not willing to simply pick up and move on. it's tough for the betrayed to draw those lines but it's necessary if they are going to protect themselves and create safety. you can't make them do it...but you can make it uncomfortable for them if they are not willing to get expert help. they usually will not respond to the betrayed, but if you're able to utilize expert help they hopefully will respond much better with an openness to own what they've done.
I just have to say that the advice given is the exact advice given to a woman who has been betrayed. I understand that there are frequently differences in motives to stray as well as differences in reasons for the betrayed to work it out or leave between the sexes. Men act like victims just as often as women so maybe take the gender card away and focus on who she actually is and her “why” instead of blaming society for enabling her to pull the victim card. She has a “why” I promise you, and its not because shes a victim unless you have victimized her. (Im assuming you haven’t btw). My husband felt like he was a victim of my neglect. He felt I didn’t appreciate him and didn’t care if he had an affair or not. To the contrary, I gave a huge amount of care, I didn’t show it to him. I am not to blame for what he did, but I am culpable in the problematic relationship we had prior to his affair. I truly hope that you can find where everything went wrong so that you can learn to trust her enough to stay. I can say that getting past putting blame anywhere outside of our relationship was my best first step.
George, I 100 percent agree. I have found that when a man cheats, he is labeled a piece of trash and shamed. Or, in my case as a betrayed husband, a wife can get away with the whole, "oh, my husband was doing x, y or z, so that is my justification for cheating. He was being a piece of garbage" and that is how an unfaithful wife can get away with it in our society. It is one of those double Standards in our society where they guy always gets the blame either way in cheating - whether he be the cheater or the betrayed. It is unfair in so many ways!
I totally see how the unfaithful look lazy when they don’t seem to fully commit to recovery. I am a betrayed husband. The issue I have run into with this is that I come off as “co-dependent” when I worry about what my unfaithful wife is or isn’t doing. Where is the line between her being lazy and me being Co-dependent?
hey jeff. it's a tough call. at some level, i think you have to focus on your own healing and your own recovery. if she isn't desperate, you'll see it and you'll have to focus on you and your own healing and perhaps having some space and distance if she is lazy and non committal. i would read codependent no more which is a great book to help you, as well as consider our harboring hope course for the betrayed here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope it's a fine line but what's key is how you respond to the laziness...what we tolerate we encourage and will not be able to change in the long run.
What do I do if my betrayed spouse wants to see other people while I work on myself? She doesn’t want to put her life on hold For however long that takes. Just feels like she is giving up entirely on the relationship. Rationally I get it but it’s very difficult for me to accept and respect
i'm so sorry Dawn, but i say her name often. i have to and will continue to. i hope you can heal and still be able to receive the info and the help provided.
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My spouse is doing everything he can and he states, “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you”. I feel really bad as even though he’s very attentive, regained his deep faith, and I see he’s trying…I just can’t ever see my admiration and adoration returning. I thought he walked on water before it happened, now I realize he’s capable of not only drowning but taking our family with him.
How does one EVER undo, not remember, not see?🤷🏼♀️
I know the reasons.
I know I should not have had him on a pedestal.
I know all humans are capable.
…but I now know he is weak, selfish, narcissistic (at least during the affair), and ever other negative thing I never dreamed he was…how does one ever overcome knowing they actually AREN’T anything what you thought they were (24 years)?
I’m trying hard, but each little thing he does that made me (before the affair) love him more, I just take it as something he’d use to attract an affair partner.
His looks, money, wit, intelligence, community respect, great speaker, hard working, fantastic father, and best husband ever attributes are lost on me now. I’ve lost respect and THAT has been the greatest obstacle to me getting over it.
It isn’t that he slept with a whore (people willing to cheat are 3/$1). It is the disappointment that HE would actually stoop low enough to cheat that’s killing me.
I highly respected and absolutely adored him! My disappointment that I must live the rest of my life with the knowledge he isn’t the man I thought he was for 24 years is destroying me!
I’m trying. It’s been 3.5 years and I still fight packing up and just walking away from the emotional battles in my mind!
Thankfully we have 3 young men and one grandson that holds my ropes tied to the family unit my husband so easily disregarded.🤷🏼♀️
If it wasn’t for our boys, my husband can definitely find out what he has missed by being married to one person! I’d gladly give him his wings to fly like a silly 61 year old that still thinks he’s 30!!
Same
You wrote my story. It's been 22 months since DDay and just today I had the horrible thoughts of "I have nothing left to fight for...if we work great, if we don't then I'll be okay". We were in the minority having a monogamous marriage, been with each other only since we were in our teens, and to know he has took something so precious and gave it to someone else we are now just like everyone else, now in the majority and that makes me feel like it just doesn't even matter anymore. I love him with all I have and will stay with him and love him but it will take many many more little moments of microtrusts to rebuilt trust and respect. Maybe I'll get to a point where I respect him again and trust him again that we are worth fighting with everything again.
This is my story. He is even 61, also. I identify myself in every word. It's been 8 months, but there have been multiple affairs and sex addiction for 16 years !! We are holding on to God and therapy and his willingness to change and be different. I just can't have the same feeling of admiration. Now is more like shame and compassion. If only men knew what this bad decision can cause to a person and families.
To be honest, I don't think I can be that strong to survive infidelity. I know most people probably can, or eventually can, but I know I probably won't see my spouse or my marriage the same way as before. I can co parent or take care of family chores after the storm, but I don't think I will be able to live a life or for the rest of my life like this. I know lots of people would choose to stay and enjoy the family life together, but personally I think it's a heavy burden for me and, to be honest, for me it would feel like running a successful business or company with my cheating spouse, not a real marriage that I want. I would probably get divorced, find myself again, and eventually remarry and know that I can still live the life I want.
Being faithful to me is really, really important for me personally. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is innocent in relationship and not betraying each other no matter what.
Amen to that 🙏❤️
Totally understandable. I once had the same boundary. Then I fell into limerence at about year 7 in our marriage. I didn't even know what was going on. It was an emotional affair, but, I never wanted to leave my H. I never blamed him for it or vilified him. We survived that without any help from a 3rd party. Well, "survived" may not be the right word. Here we are and at year 22, my husband fell into limerence. It's been a year and he is still in the limerent fog. No recovery work for the marriage, justy individual counseling to help him with the depression and anxiety that limerence can bring. I constantly ask myself, how long can I stand. He is not safe, not healthy, he is emotionally manipulative, etc and I have lost that passionate love for him. We separated, which, oddly helped because I began my journey into grief and healing. I am grateful for that, but, now that I know what healthy is, do I trust that my H will do the self-reflection and work once the limerence fog lifts? Am I wasting more time trying to revive a dead marriage. I am currently staying for this kids and I don't want to give up too soon. If my husband gave up on me 2 soon, we would not have had our children. All I can do is heal, set boundaries, and prepare for anything.
I hope you never go through this, but, if you do, don't jump into anything, even if you thought that is how you would react. You know how child-free people always say, "If I had kids, they would act like..." and we all roll our eyes? It's because you never know until you are in the thick of it.
My unfaithful husband got angry and just disappeared for six hours on Saturday reinforcing all my fears of him not being trustworthy. He promised he wouldn’t ever do that, but there he was breaking yet another promise. I told him that boys are led by their emotions and that men are led by their word. After all it was being led by feelings that caused him to break his vows to begin with. Remember when a man’s word was everything? Remember when fathers taught their sons to honor any promise? Because you asked for gracious suggestions, then I would offer that if you’re wanting respect from your betrayed spouse, then learn to be a man led by your word, not a man led by your emotions, even if what it costs you is spooning down a little humble pie.
This comment is gold
This is exactly where im at 3yrs later. He willingly shared or talked very little. Its all on me. So im moving towards being single. I like the videos though because it helps with my own recovery. Not the marriage because ive stopped sharing or expressing
Where my heart is at this moment in the middle of trying to heal-I believe initiative towards self reflection for recovery DAILY is KEY. At least for the first few months. We don’t feel safe, especially if you’re told “let it go” or “we’re not talking about the past”. THE PAST IS WHAT WE LEARN FROM. Healing individually is SO important, but to grow and heal the marriage it will need to be done together as well. If the unfaithful becomes agitated by discussing infidelity and it triggers them, it just shows the betrayed that they aren’t working through it in themselves. The shame that keeps unfaithful from discussing it holds just as much power over them as it did when it was a secret it their own head. Praying for everybody that is trying to heal. God is the only way to heal your soul, trust me I’ve tried it without him. Him first, internal recovery work after that, then finally marital recovery work.
yeah, she won’t do that. Thanks for the video
This is very good information (parts 1&2) for the betrayed and the unfaithful.
I think that the reason laziness creates doubt is mainly because it tells the betrayed that you are not hurting enough to do the work. As a betrayed, I felt that I HAD to work. I HAD to research, educate and understand ALL of it, because I was hurting so badly.
I admit that I am the controlling spouse and when I felt like crap, I wanted him to feel like crap. It just said to me that he wasn’t hurting enough so that I felt I needed to make him hurt.
After this first year...(only year, Im not planning on memorializing it again) I realized that his shame and his pain mostly manifested during his affair. After I found out about the affair his response to me was driven by shame, not hate, not disrespect, not carelessness. He had passed the majority of his bad feelings onto me because he was relieved! He really had no idea how badly he would hurt me. He only cared about himself and thats why he felt shame.
Once he was able to forgive himself (as backward as that sounds) he was able to have empathy and respect for what he had done to our “us”.
When that happened and I quit punishing him, there was a huge increase in his working attitude towards recovery.
I know this is hard to hear for some betrayed however I truly believe that if you live with an attitude of love and forgiveness and compassion (with a few explosions in between) you will know sooner rather than later whether it has been worth your effort to stay.
That was when I regained respect for him. When I quit looking over his shoulder, when I made my own recovery a priority is when he finally stepped up.
Now that I stopped expecting the worst, Ive gotten the best out of my spouse. I finally feel like it has been worth staying for.
Samuel, I told you at EMS you saved my life. Thank you for all that you do for we betrayed as well as the ones who have made just a terrible mistake. All of us make mistakes and its what you do afterward that matters the most.
Standing in the storm, letting us have a bad day, letting us call you names and not being defensive. Being safe works. You cant argue with someone who isn’t defensive, who doesn’t berate or blame. You just cant. Safety is key.
P.S. We both did ETT therapy and it helped tremendously in conjunction with EMS weekend and couples therapy with a skilled and experienced therapist.
andi, thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your heart here. i know so many will relate to your pain and hurt. so glad ett worked.
I'm struggling to decide whether to take back my girlfriend or not. i'm stuck in between. We've been together for about 6 years. One month ago i found out that she was having an affair for over a year. She ended that affair, and was ignoring the other guy for about two months, and then i found out all this. The guy sent me their pictures, and screenshots of their sexual conversations to take revenge on her. I was absolutely devastated (this word can't even express that feeling)!
I broke up with her....but, continued to talk about the affair through chatting online...She gave me details, apologized to me and my sister, said, she was guilty and ashamed...I shared my feelings and the pain that i was going through...one month later last week we met again...we (mostly i) talked about many issues...mostly about the affair, she was uncomfortable and at times also showed irritation, she was crying the whole day...she came to my place, stayed the night...we both cried, hugged, kissed, again talked about the affair...just wanted to know "why?!!"... through all that chatings we had in one month and when we met this is her response, "i just don't know...even i'm also trying to find that ans myself...i never thought i would hurt you like this...but, i just don't know why i did that...may be it was just infatuation...it was my fault that things got this ugly...tell me how can i get you out of it...Forgive me...I am sorry...
how can i make you feel better...watching you in pain is so hurtful for me...etc etc"
most of these she said in texting...when she was with me she mostly cried...and, when she saw that i was giving a lil smile she was like everything never happened, certainly laughing, making jokes, (i also laughed a little), but, soon i again got that sad face...and she starts crying again....and, said, plz try to forget that part, at least try....and i was like "wow! you think it's that easy?!!"
then the environment would get heavy again... then we again give hugs, more crying, and questionings....
Next morning, we said goodbyes. :(
But, it's also true that we were having problems...i do feel that i wasn't showing enough love, care and affection (even tho i did love and cared for her so much), i didnt talk about or showed less interest about marrige(but i wanted to mary her)...there was huge communication gaps...i found another peoblem of her is that, she always seeks attention or validations from others, she just can't stay alone, always looking for sympathy from others, low self-esteem, etc
after knowing all those underlying problems in our relationship and analysing the whole situation, i do feel like giving 'us' another chance.
but, few days ago she gave me few more details about the affair (i insisted, it was just bugging me to my core)....she said there was quick kisses 3,4 times, and, quick touching here and there, there was explicit video calls 3,4 times...but, insured me they never had Sex!
Now, i am finding it too hard to believe, and got Hurt all over again!
Could you plz give me some suggestions!
I'm just too confused right now!
(sorry for this long story)
@@samshealingpodcast, plz give me your kind opinion on my situation.
Jack Nil. Im sure you’re asking for Samuels advice bit I just wanted to throw out something about my story. The best advice I took was to not decide right then. (On D-day). Its too devastating and you wont feel like yourself for quite a while. Give yourself an amount of time to not decide. Mine was 15 months and I can say that Im glad I stayed. The caveat to this was that my husband worked hard on our recovery. It took him a few months to really “get it” but he finally did. Hopefully your wife will too. Focus on your own recovery. Its the only thing you have control over.
You should also consider an ER weekend or the online program. Listening to these blogs was a life saver.
@@andiblair8529 so kind Andi. thank you for responding and your encouragement.
Thank you for this. I eagerly await part 3
I really appreciate you apologizing on behalf of betrayed person however it’s you admitting. Not our spouse!
They blame all on us. It’s not only them it’s their whole entire family.
After all, it’s not about us. It’s not about the children it’s them. How do you
Handle your your spouse who won’t even recognize their flaw?
It’s everyone else but them!
They don’t see their flaws? Then what?
expert help is the only way to get them to see objectively my friend.
Not even 'expert' help can change someone that doesnt want to change.
They have to want it.
The part about creating space once drives the point home that cheating wives just aren't capable of being safe. A woman can yell and scream at a cheating man and he'll take it. But a cheating wife is wired differently and will likely shirk away or run away out of fear, because they can't handle us at our worst and when we're hurt. This is the main reason why the outlook for cheating wife is so so bad.
What to do if the betrayed isn't working on recovering what does the unfaithful do???? Needing help.
work on you as much as you can. make it safe that when they are ready, the betrayed will get help. be safe for them and be compassionate for them. then, perhaps set a timeline in your mind of how long you'll do this....maybe forever....maybe a couple years...but get an idea of how long you'll live like this with them not getting help.
I am a betrayed that has been diagnosed with trauma induced PTDS. I feel more fear and confusion over 1 year into recovery than I did 6 months ago. Is it possible that someone could be in the stage of shock/denial for months?
hi there. did you mean to type PTSD? or is there something else that you're referring to that i'm not familiar with?
Overcoming Infidelity thank you for responding. Yes, that was a typo. PTSD
Sue Girdler we’ve done some counseling together and he some individual counseling. I am not under the care of a psychiatrist. I’ve been with him since the age of 15. He’s all I’ve ever known and I think that’s why there’s such a deep disconnect. Thank you for your response. It means a lot! I do still love him and want to get past the hurt.
thank you for clarifying it. it's absolutely possible to be stuck like that. have you received any help for the trauma? have you watched my interview with MJ about the trauma of the betrayed and ptsd? it's more than possible to be stuck unless you've had some strategic trauma care. there are two form so treatment i would recommend. not both, but either one. EMDR is a great help and ETT is another fantastic form of treatment. ETT is newer and not as many therapists are trained in it. EMDR is much easier to find and either way, you can get unstuck my friend. you really can.
Overcoming Infidelity I started counseling sessions one month ago with an EDMR specialist. I’m hoping to receive the help I so desperately need.
I emote silently to myself
Unfaithful partners (women) have the societal protection to avail themselves as "victim" even though they were the perpetrator of victimizing their male partner/husband. How do we help women take the blanket off and encourage them to do Recovery work such as them showing initiative and putting forth the work to ensure no relapse occurs? Too much focus is on the man "fixing/doing" in this society. Otherwise, great info and well-received!
most likely by boundaries and communicating to them that you won't simply go along to get along and that it's not ok to NOT get expert help. if they get to do whatever they want, and there are no consequences, then there isn't much motivation for them to take action. if they are not willing to get expert help, at some level, there should be a caution (at the very least) maybe even an unwillingness to just 'get back to normal'. they may need to see that you're not willing to simply pick up and move on. it's tough for the betrayed to draw those lines but it's necessary if they are going to protect themselves and create safety. you can't make them do it...but you can make it uncomfortable for them if they are not willing to get expert help. they usually will not respond to the betrayed, but if you're able to utilize expert help they hopefully will respond much better with an openness to own what they've done.
I just have to say that the advice given is the exact advice given to a woman who has been betrayed. I understand that there are frequently differences in motives to stray as well as differences in reasons for the betrayed to work it out or leave between the sexes. Men act like victims just as often as women so maybe take the gender card away and focus on who she actually is and her “why” instead of blaming society for enabling her to pull the victim card. She has a “why” I promise you, and its not because shes a victim unless you have victimized her. (Im assuming you haven’t btw).
My husband felt like he was a victim of my neglect. He felt I didn’t appreciate him and didn’t care if he had an affair or not.
To the contrary, I gave a huge amount of care, I didn’t show it to him.
I am not to blame for what he did, but I am culpable in the problematic relationship we had prior to his affair.
I truly hope that you can find where everything went wrong so that you can learn to trust her enough to stay. I can say that getting past putting blame anywhere outside of our relationship was my best first step.
@@andiblair8529 thank you
George, I 100 percent agree. I have found that when a man cheats, he is labeled a piece of trash and shamed. Or, in my case as a betrayed husband, a wife can get away with the whole, "oh, my husband was doing x, y or z, so that is my justification for cheating. He was being a piece of garbage" and that is how an unfaithful wife can get away with it in our society. It is one of those double Standards in our society where they guy always gets the blame either way in cheating - whether he be the cheater or the betrayed. It is unfair in so many ways!
Amazing videos!!!
thank you angelique. glad you're here.
I totally see how the unfaithful look lazy when they don’t seem to fully commit to recovery. I am a betrayed husband. The issue I have run into with this is that I come off as “co-dependent” when I worry about what my unfaithful wife is or isn’t doing. Where is the line between her being lazy and me being Co-dependent?
hey jeff. it's a tough call. at some level, i think you have to focus on your own healing and your own recovery. if she isn't desperate, you'll see it and you'll have to focus on you and your own healing and perhaps having some space and distance if she is lazy and non committal. i would read codependent no more which is a great book to help you, as well as consider our harboring hope course for the betrayed here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope it's a fine line but what's key is how you respond to the laziness...what we tolerate we encourage and will not be able to change in the long run.
Brilliant 👍 Thankyou
Spot.On.
What do I do if my betrayed spouse wants to see other people while I work on myself? She doesn’t want to put her life on hold For however long that takes. Just feels like she is giving up entirely on the relationship. Rationally I get it but it’s very difficult for me to accept and respect
This is a trigger as the other woman name was samantha:(
i'm so sorry Dawn, but i say her name often. i have to and will continue to. i hope you can heal and still be able to receive the info and the help provided.