I've had people say this exact thing to me, that I need to just decide if im gonna stay with my unfaithful or not. There is NO WAY I can answer that, one minute I want to stay and fight for my family and it could be a minute later that I want to walk away. Sometimes its not even a full minute, it changes in 30 seconds. Im in the "push and pull" and I refuse to make a decision while I'm going through a tornado of emotions!!
My wife is there now, we have been separated for 7 months and she still hasn’t decided. I keep praying our marriage can work, good work taking your time.
Totally hear you. It’s been 5 months since I found out about my husbands historical indiscretion and yesterday I sobbed in the bath. My children are 5 and 2.5 and he’s handed me this dynamite and left it to me whether I ruin everyone’s lives or not…very hard
“Years and years of awfulness and more of what you have already felt.” No thanks! Does anybody else get a sick pit in their stomach imagining what the next 20-30 years with this person will actually look like? Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why would I even consider trusting someone who has lied daily for over 30 years? Suddenly he speaks only the truth? Not buying it.
Somebody’s been mean??? I want names and addresses. 🙄 Thanks for all your wisdom, help, and support, Samuel. You and AR have been such a guiding light for us. We are well on our way to our own success story, and we thank you.
It’s so hard to stay and so hard to go. When your stuck, your unable to move your feet either way. The person that I would have taken a bullet for told me she doesn’t want me. That’s what her affair did to me. Tells me so much without words. Her action is the biggest screw you of all time. Maybe one day I will know for sure which path to take. I just wish she would help, grab my hand so we can travel down the same road.
My goodness I THANK MY DEAR GOD for deliverance. Being groomed and abused in childhood left me broken and vulnerable with a very high threshold for pain. I AM HEALED 🙌 and NEVER EVER EVER again will I betray and disrespect myself by allowing someone else to purposefully hurt me and still stay in my life. Tuh✌️
I’ve been on this journey for over a year. Despite the work with EMSO and Harboring Hope, I struggle from time to time with this very question. My husband’s addiction is strong and the spirit seems to be hovering each time he relapses. As a person of faith, I’m asking God to help me fight this battle. I’m hoping to restart individual therapy soon to continue my personal healing for myself and family. Thank you for sharing this video today. It’s what I needed to hear to calm the small talk within myself.
Thank you Samuel, for the last e years you've always been a pillar of inspiration, guidance, and provided a sense of community. Being a betrayed male spouse trying to save my marriage its because of you and what you do, that I didn't feel alone or isolated. Thank you and God Bless.
I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. words like this mean everything to me my friend. i can't thank you enough for your kind words and support. i'm honored I could be a source of help and comfort for you. you've made my day.
Trickle truth, literally left me knowingly alone through a suicidal crisis for 3 days, pimped tenderness and was barely present for any videos or counseling. He has done bare minimum while causing more damage when all I wanted was to see the man he was today. Now, after a month of this I start getting sick, mentally spiritually. But he is overwhelmed and decides, after I had terrible reaction to trigger, he needs space/breather and leaves, with no plan of returning and after refusing all my requests for amends and crossing all my boundaries, then barely communicates, without any love or tenderness or even a “good night “
It’s been almost 11 years for me. It’s been a roller coaster for sure. I have finally made the choice to leave and divorce. It’s like setting down a ton of bricks I’ve been carrying around for over a decade. Our kids are all adults. Although the triggers and reminders are not as bad as they used to be they are still there. They seem to be more now that there are less distractions around me. I realized I worked on myself found ways to keep busy and work through the pain, focused on my career and kicked ass in all aspect of my life except my marriage. We didn’t do any meaningful work together. He never read the books I bought, or explained or even tried to understand why he had affairs. Therapy was unsuccessful. He only will admit to one affair but in my heart I know there are many more. It sucks so bad to drive somewhere with him and wonder if another women was sitting in the passenger seat, is this story he’s telling me a half truth. He seems really happy today is he having another affair. I gave up trying to check on him or talk about how I feel. I had to force myself to stop caring to keep my sanity. I don’t feel any love for this man anymore. It’s taken a decade to slowly die for me.
Instantly walk away. Never put up with that kind of disrespect. Never let yourself get so attached to something you can't walk away from in 30 seconds.
Why some people are able to walk out before betraying while the majority can't? I understand some situations are complicated specially those where financial struggles are happening. But I feel no many professionals in the area are teaching people about integrity and the massive power that it has on your wellbeing. Walking out knowing you didn't bestow the other person with the trauma of infidelity is paramount. After all, you used to love that person and in many cases you still do.
i get it, IF we as human beings were always thinking rationally and using wisdom in our choices. life has taught us we don't always do that and we are not always thinking clearly or making wise decisions. I wish it was easier and I wish more people didn't do what we've done, but it's deeper than simply 'don't act out.' i'm sorry for your pain brother.
I'm so hurt. My love of ten years. Two kids. We just got married finally. August 19 2023. October 1st I found out she cheated before and after we got married.. we got in an argument... I've lost everything. I have restraining order against me towards her and my children. I'm so lost. I cannot contact her at all for 18 months.. I've lost everything in the blink of an eye
It sounds like you need a different attorney to help get custody rights. How on earth does she get a restraining order against you when she was the one who cheated?!? I know courts tend to favor the mother, but to cut off a father completely does more harm to the kids and sets them up or failure in their adult relationships as well. I know there is a non-profit organization and SC called Father to Father that has support for dads desperately trying to get access back to their kids. Even if you don't live in that state, you might reach out to them and see if they have some similar programs in yours. Your kids deserve and NEED to have you in their lives. Keep fighting!
Sam- Thank you for your time and help. I've watched many many videos of yours. I find your perspective honest and helpful. I honestly like your AR videos the most. I feel you have been a helpful guide along the way. This video is no exception. It's spot on. 💯
i'm so sorry for the delay. i was traveling and i answered but it didn't post. i can't thank you enough for those kinds of words. they mean so much to me and keep me going. you've helped my day to start off with such great promise and joy. it's an honor to help my friend.
Thank you for all these videos, they have been so helpful going through this. I am going through that ambivalent stage. One day I feel like our relationship is worth saving the next I just want him out of mine and our sons life. He has a child with his AP who is 6 mo younger than our son. He talks to her very frequently. I don’t know how to feel about it. Is there any videos at affair recovery about when children are involved? I don’t want to be horrible because I know the innocent child needs his father too, but I don’t know if that’s something I can deal with forever or if it’s even fair to put our son through this. I just don’t know what to feel. Any thoughts?
@sarahwitherell2000 Check out the testimonials from Mickey & his wife under AR's playlists. He had an affair in a foreign country which produced a child and she actually chose to be the mediator between him and the AP regarding his son to ensure the AP would no longer have access to him. That is certainly not for everyone, but that was her choice to help create safe distance and it's worked for them. In another video interview, Mickey talks about having a travel plan since that was a big part of his work and a huge part of how he had the vulnerability which enables his affairs (the AP wasn't his first, but it certainly was the longest lasting and more relational one). Watch his wife's video about drawing a line in the sand. It will help you get clarity.
I think everyone who has had infidelity issues needs to watch this, because this is honestly one of the most amazing advice ever given to me. Going through times like this is tough, and I think methods like this can help comfort both parties compared to people who just say "oh give it time they will come back" Thank you so much for your insight, it has really helped me achieve a better nature!
Hi Sam, I am the hurt party. I found out by accident on my own, in July, August then September. Is there something specific I can read or listen too? I am doing the work and although he has said he will do whatever it takes;( I have expressed that I need him to do BC with me and sent him a AR video.) I am Getting crickets. I have done the BC on my own. Today I feel I have crashed and feeling very hurt. Thank you. We are seeing therapists separatly, nothing together yet. Hope I make sense.
@suzannerosenbeck6132 It sounds like you need to give him an ultimatum. My best suggestion would be for you guys to go for it the EMS Weekend in person or at least online. That should help kickstart things and give you a good framework to go from as they have several weeks of aftercare with your small group comprised of other couples also going through affair recovery themselves. This helps create a safe community that will not judge you and where there's no stigma. I highly recommend it!
No problem with taking some time. However, it seems there is a lot of disinformation out there regarding the likelihood of a successful reconciliation. I have seen pay for reconciliation services sites claiming 85 percent stay together. My therapist, who said he counseled many couples said that was as gross exaggeration. Would be helpful if there was accurate info on this.
What do we do when there are multiple incidents of infidelity and she has admitted to a couple of them but gives the excuse “I lied/covered up to spare your feelings” cuz I know you thought and felt there was something going on.. but the things she only came clean on is something that would be acceptable if there wasn’t 10-12 more incidents of infidelity.. she would always say.. your acting ridiculous “nothing is happening” .. so now that we are trying to work it out she tells me little things that she never said before , like when he denied knowing her when I asked when he goes back inside to tell her we(me and our boys) are out here waiting for her .. he walks in and then 20-30 seconds she walks out, well just a week ago she says .. I don’t know why he denied knowing me cuz in my way out he stopped me and said “your husband is outside waiting on you” I told her .. you never said that before … she argues “yes I have I know I did” she says that a lot when she tells more to a story we already worked thru… but remember what I said in the beginning of this reply.. she still plays innocent and even tho I have made it clear that I believe he ended it .. she now says “there isn’t anything going on” or “because it isn’t happening” .. I told her today.. well I asked .. don’t you mean “didn’t”?? Not isnt and nothing “happened” instead of nothing happening” also logic dictates and the laws of physics apply nothing happening literally means a reaction without the action .. and the law states every ACTION has a REACTION for NOTHING HAPPENED OR NOTHING HAPPENING SOMETHING HAS TO HAPPEN FIRST
@dannyharper2223 If she is so insistent nothing is going on, she should be willing to take a polygraph test, right? It sounds like it's time to give her an ultimatum.
Hello Sam, Do you handle in what steps might the Unfaithful take to overcome being a "admiration/accolades" junky? I am with someone who had a rough childhand no father in his life. Obviously obviously he was the Unfaithful. Anything you can share on that topic?
@reneebertram2365 If You go back to Samuel's early testimonies of his story, he shares some of the backdrop of his parental relationships, particularly the lack of a consistent father figure. His story is not uncommon of many unfaithful male spouses, sadly. A lot of unresolved issues there oftentimes regular ugly head through acting out in adulthood. This is why it's so important that they get to the root of their issues because even if the marriage doesn't make it, they will carry those same issues forward into the next relationship, even with the AP if they choose to leave the marriage for them. This is one of the reasons why those types of relationships have a 10% chance of survival. You're the same you everywhere you go!
I stayed more than10 years ago. We did no real recovery and I sometimes wonder if I should nave stayed. I am g!ad my staying kept our family together. I'm glad my staying made me more financially secure. Most of the time I love him, but I am not treated with the kindness, caring, and respect I deserve. We never !earned to communicate. So should I have stayed? Should I reconsider now?
@KittyMeowxxx-s8r It's actually true from a neurological standpoint. The brain chemistry proves it that they get a dopamine hit when they are with their AP or others who stroke their ego. This is usually due to a deficit brought on from childhood trauma that has never been resolved or gotten to the root of. This is why getting to the bottom of things early on is so important, although it's often the thing they are most scared of and will avoid like the plague. Going for the EMS Weekend oftentimes helps to break this barrier as they are encouraged by the safe, non-judgmental, non-stigmatic environment where other couples are also going through affair recovery themselves and can open up finally and form some sort of community. Check out the research from the Gottmans for more details about the biochemistry factor. Unfortunately, you can't turn off biology, regardless of how you feel, but you can do something about it if you get to the source. I hope this helps!
Hope things are going better. I think that'll depend a lot on the amount of unresolved past traumas you've had. Some of us it takes years, only to later realize that there was something underneath that gangrened that wound.
My wife had affair 2 months ago i found about it and we stay together we tried work our marriage out but she in love with the other guy she doesn't talk to me she doesn't feel nothing for me. When i cry she ask to stop crying i dnt now weather our marriage is really over
@dineshdeepnarain Cut off her easy access to her AP by insisting that you guys move or you break off the marriage. She is in limerence and needs to detox psychologically from her AP. That will be very difficult to do so long as she continues to have access to him. This is why she is still able to stay detached from you emotionally and has very little empathy for what you're going through. Best of luck to you guys!
How can you restore a relationship if your husband will not talk about this infidelity, it’s cause and reason? Its been 7months since our confrontation and one year since I learned of his affair. Friends will tell me, get back together, My husband wants to get back and forget what he did :(
it's incredibly difficult to just 'forget and move on.' the pain is too much and the hurt is too deep to simply move on. it takes expert care and help from those who have been through it before. those that have never been through it, simply don't get it. you need a plan and a process and the right people involved. what we can't talk about, we can't heal from. it's typically shame which prevents us from wanting to talk about our failures of this magnitude.
@cristinaarcillasPage1 I agree with Samuel. Why don't you ask your husband to go for the EMS Weekend just to see if there's any hope of salvaging your marriage at all. If he says no, you have your answer.
Can healing ever really take place if the infidelities have caused an icurable STD that affects our sexual acts ? Im sticking around It's been over 2 years .
@JanelleG0822 Yikes! 😬 Unfortunately, that is oftentimes a scary reality for betrayed spouses and one that could possibly even take one's life. If your husband is not willing to recovery work, he may still continue to bring things home to you that you have no idea about. It sounds like you guys really need to see a therapist like yesterday!
@mitzyme6262 That sounds like typical narcissistic devaluation and discard to me. Honey, that's his problem, not yours. He likely has issues of past childhood trauma that have never been resolved and as a result he constantly seeks validation elsewhere to keep his ego topped up with fresh supply. This is why Samuel at the other AR contributors often refer to the need for the unfaithful spouse to go through a detox phase from their AP(s) in addition to family of origin/trauma therapy. After all these years, maybe it's time to give him an ultimatum and work on your own healing so you can develop more self-respect and self-esteem since he clearly is bent on beating yours down to make himself feel better. As he sees you improve, it will challenge him to no end and will either force him to catch up or drive him away. Either way, you will come out better. All the best to you and your healing! 🥹❤️🩹
@Cotenetdlited Check out the testimonial from Mickey and his wife under AR's playlists. They went through the same thing and his wife actually volunteered to be the mediator between him and his AP regarding his son with the latter to ensure the AP's access was cut off from her husband. That's a bold approach not everyone could stomach, but his work for them. He also had to put in place accountability partners and a travel plan, since this requirement of his work opened up doors of vulnerability which enabled his affairs and later his AP (the more relational one of them). I hope they give you inspiration and guidance. To YOUR healing! 🥹❤️🩹
I've had people say this exact thing to me, that I need to just decide if im gonna stay with my unfaithful or not. There is NO WAY I can answer that, one minute I want to stay and fight for my family and it could be a minute later that I want to walk away. Sometimes its not even a full minute, it changes in 30 seconds. Im in the "push and pull" and I refuse to make a decision while I'm going through a tornado of emotions!!
stand your ground, get help, decide when the time is right.
My wife is there now, we have been separated for 7 months and she still hasn’t decided. I keep praying our marriage can work, good work taking your time.
Totally hear you. It’s been 5 months since I found out about my husbands historical indiscretion and yesterday I sobbed in the bath. My children are 5 and 2.5 and he’s handed me this dynamite and left it to me whether I ruin everyone’s lives or not…very hard
Did you get to a point where you did decide? How long after D Day was it when you decided?
“Years and years of awfulness and more of what you have already felt.” No thanks! Does anybody else get a sick pit in their stomach imagining what the next 20-30 years with this person will actually look like? Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why would I even consider trusting someone who has lied daily for over 30 years? Suddenly he speaks only the truth? Not buying it.
Me all the time. I did don’t sign up for it and I don’t think I want it
Somebody’s been mean??? I want names and addresses. 🙄 Thanks for all your wisdom, help, and support, Samuel. You and AR have been such a guiding light for us. We are well on our way to our own success story, and we thank you.
It’s so hard to stay and so hard to go. When your stuck, your unable to move your feet either way. The person that I would have taken a bullet for told me she doesn’t want me. That’s what her affair did to me. Tells me so much without words. Her action is the biggest screw you of all time. Maybe one day I will know for sure which path to take. I just wish she would help, grab my hand so we can travel down the same road.
My goodness I THANK MY DEAR GOD for deliverance. Being groomed and abused in childhood left me broken and vulnerable with a very high threshold for pain. I AM HEALED 🙌 and NEVER EVER EVER again will I betray and disrespect myself by allowing someone else to purposefully hurt me and still stay in my life. Tuh✌️
I’ve been on this journey for over a year. Despite the work with EMSO and Harboring Hope, I struggle from time to time with this very question. My husband’s addiction is strong and the spirit seems to be hovering each time he relapses. As a person of faith, I’m asking God to help me fight this battle. I’m hoping to restart individual therapy soon to continue my personal healing for myself and family. Thank you for sharing this video today. It’s what I needed to hear to calm the small talk within myself.
i'm so glad i could help my friend. i'm so sorry for how hard it is and understand the frustration.
I’m stuck here and not sure how to go on...alone or together...mind you ... he hasn’t given me the TRUTH yet...😭
Thank you Samuel, for the last e years you've always been a pillar of inspiration, guidance, and provided a sense of community. Being a betrayed male spouse trying to save my marriage its because of you and what you do, that I didn't feel alone or isolated. Thank you and God Bless.
I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. words like this mean everything to me my friend. i can't thank you enough for your kind words and support. i'm honored I could be a source of help and comfort for you. you've made my day.
Same my brother
Hope all is well
Trickle truth, literally left me knowingly alone through a suicidal crisis for 3 days, pimped tenderness and was barely present for any videos or counseling. He has done bare minimum while causing more damage when all I wanted was to see the man he was today. Now, after a month of this I start getting sick, mentally spiritually. But he is overwhelmed and decides, after I had terrible reaction to trigger, he needs space/breather and leaves, with no plan of returning and after refusing all my requests for amends and crossing all my boundaries, then barely communicates, without any love or tenderness or even a “good night “
We are so sorry for all you are going through. Please reach out to the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255, they can help!
Still debating with this question after being betrayed 14 years ago
i'm so sorry. that's a long time. what help have you been able to get over these 14 years?
Your comment alone let me know I’m not alone to still be struggling, I’m 17 years down
It’s been almost 11 years for me. It’s been a roller coaster for sure. I have finally made the choice to leave and divorce. It’s like setting down a ton of bricks I’ve been carrying around for over a decade. Our kids are all adults. Although the triggers and reminders are not as bad as they used to be they are still there. They seem to be more now that there are less distractions around me. I realized I worked on myself found ways to keep busy and work through the pain, focused on my career and kicked ass in all aspect of my life except my marriage. We didn’t do any meaningful work together. He never read the books I bought, or explained or even tried to understand why he had affairs. Therapy was unsuccessful. He only will admit to one affair but in my heart I know there are many more.
It sucks so bad to drive somewhere with him and wonder if another women was sitting in the passenger seat, is this story he’s telling me a half truth. He seems really happy today is he having another affair. I gave up trying to check on him or talk about how I feel. I had to force myself to stop caring to keep my sanity. I don’t feel any love for this man anymore. It’s taken a decade to slowly die for me.
Instantly walk away. Never put up with that kind of disrespect. Never let yourself get so attached to something you can't walk away from in 30 seconds.
Why some people are able to walk out before betraying while the majority can't? I understand some situations are complicated specially those where financial struggles are happening. But I feel no many professionals in the area are teaching people about integrity and the massive power that it has on your wellbeing. Walking out knowing you didn't bestow the other person with the trauma of infidelity is paramount. After all, you used to love that person and in many cases you still do.
i get it, IF we as human beings were always thinking rationally and using wisdom in our choices. life has taught us we don't always do that and we are not always thinking clearly or making wise decisions. I wish it was easier and I wish more people didn't do what we've done, but it's deeper than simply 'don't act out.' i'm sorry for your pain brother.
I'm so hurt. My love of ten years. Two kids. We just got married finally. August 19 2023. October 1st I found out she cheated before and after we got married.. we got in an argument... I've lost everything. I have restraining order against me towards her and my children. I'm so lost. I cannot contact her at all for 18 months.. I've lost everything in the blink of an eye
I am so sorry 🙁
It sounds like you need a different attorney to help get custody rights. How on earth does she get a restraining order against you when she was the one who cheated?!? I know courts tend to favor the mother, but to cut off a father completely does more harm to the kids and sets them up or failure in their adult relationships as well. I know there is a non-profit organization and SC called Father to Father that has support for dads desperately trying to get access back to their kids. Even if you don't live in that state, you might reach out to them and see if they have some similar programs in yours. Your kids deserve and NEED to have you in their lives. Keep fighting!
Sam- Thank you for your time and help. I've watched many many videos of yours. I find your perspective honest and helpful. I honestly like your AR videos the most. I feel you have been a helpful guide along the way. This video is no exception. It's spot on. 💯
i'm so sorry for the delay. i was traveling and i answered but it didn't post. i can't thank you enough for those kinds of words. they mean so much to me and keep me going. you've helped my day to start off with such great promise and joy. it's an honor to help my friend.
Thank you Samuel! You are a treasure.
Thank you for all these videos, they have been so helpful going through this. I am going through that ambivalent stage. One day I feel like our relationship is worth saving the next I just want him out of mine and our sons life. He has a child with his AP who is 6 mo younger than our son. He talks to her very frequently. I don’t know how to feel about it. Is there any videos at affair recovery about when children are involved? I don’t want to be horrible because I know the innocent child needs his father too, but I don’t know if that’s something I can deal with forever or if it’s even fair to put our son through this. I just don’t know what to feel. Any thoughts?
@sarahwitherell2000 Check out the testimonials from Mickey & his wife under AR's playlists. He had an affair in a foreign country which produced a child and she actually chose to be the mediator between him and the AP regarding his son to ensure the AP would no longer have access to him. That is certainly not for everyone, but that was her choice to help create safe distance and it's worked for them. In another video interview, Mickey talks about having a travel plan since that was a big part of his work and a huge part of how he had the vulnerability which enables his affairs (the AP wasn't his first, but it certainly was the longest lasting and more relational one). Watch his wife's video about drawing a line in the sand. It will help you get clarity.
Thank you for your words….
Just this September and still can't decide.
I think everyone who has had infidelity issues needs to watch this, because this is honestly one of the most amazing advice ever given to me. Going through times like this is tough, and I think methods like this can help comfort both parties compared to people who just say "oh give it time they will come back" Thank you so much for your insight, it has really helped me achieve a better nature!
Hi Sam, I am the hurt party. I found out by accident on my own, in July, August then September. Is there something specific I can read or listen too? I am doing the work and although he has said he will do whatever it takes;( I have expressed that I need him to do BC with me and sent him a AR video.) I am Getting crickets. I have done the BC on my own. Today I feel I have crashed and feeling very hurt. Thank you. We are seeing therapists separatly, nothing together yet. Hope I make sense.
@suzannerosenbeck6132 It sounds like you need to give him an ultimatum. My best suggestion would be for you guys to go for it the EMS Weekend in person or at least online. That should help kickstart things and give you a good framework to go from as they have several weeks of aftercare with your small group comprised of other couples also going through affair recovery themselves. This helps create a safe community that will not judge you and where there's no stigma. I highly recommend it!
True restoration/true people healed- do they still remember the hurt in the past and relive it?
No problem with taking some time. However, it seems there is a lot of disinformation out there regarding the likelihood of a successful reconciliation. I have seen pay for reconciliation services sites claiming 85 percent stay together. My therapist, who said he counseled many couples said that was as gross exaggeration. Would be helpful if there was accurate info on this.
What do we do when there are multiple incidents of infidelity and she has admitted to a couple of them but gives the excuse “I lied/covered up to spare your feelings” cuz I know you thought and felt there was something going on.. but the things she only came clean on is something that would be acceptable if there wasn’t 10-12 more incidents of infidelity.. she would always say.. your acting ridiculous “nothing is happening” .. so now that we are trying to work it out she tells me little things that she never said before , like when he denied knowing her when I asked when he goes back inside to tell her we(me and our boys) are out here waiting for her .. he walks in and then 20-30 seconds she walks out, well just a week ago she says .. I don’t know why he denied knowing me cuz in my way out he stopped me and said “your husband is outside waiting on you” I told her .. you never said that before … she argues “yes I have I know I did” she says that a lot when she tells more to a story we already worked thru… but remember what I said in the beginning of this reply.. she still plays innocent and even tho I have made it clear that I believe he ended it .. she now says “there isn’t anything going on” or “because it isn’t happening” .. I told her today.. well I asked .. don’t you mean “didn’t”?? Not isnt and nothing “happened” instead of nothing happening” also logic dictates and the laws of physics apply nothing happening literally means a reaction without the action .. and the law states every ACTION has a REACTION for NOTHING HAPPENED OR NOTHING HAPPENING SOMETHING HAS TO HAPPEN FIRST
Sounds like you should stop wasting time with that one. If she can’t even accept responsibility, how can you move forward
@dannyharper2223 If she is so insistent nothing is going on, she should be willing to take a polygraph test, right? It sounds like it's time to give her an ultimatum.
Hello Sam, Do you handle in what steps might the Unfaithful take to overcome being a "admiration/accolades" junky? I am with someone who had a rough childhand no father in his life. Obviously obviously he was the Unfaithful. Anything you can share on that topic?
@reneebertram2365 If You go back to Samuel's early testimonies of his story, he shares some of the backdrop of his parental relationships, particularly the lack of a consistent father figure. His story is not uncommon of many unfaithful male spouses, sadly. A lot of unresolved issues there oftentimes regular ugly head through acting out in adulthood. This is why it's so important that they get to the root of their issues because even if the marriage doesn't make it, they will carry those same issues forward into the next relationship, even with the AP if they choose to leave the marriage for them. This is one of the reasons why those types of relationships have a 10% chance of survival. You're the same you everywhere you go!
I stayed more than10 years ago. We did no real recovery and I sometimes wonder if I should nave stayed. I am g!ad my staying kept our family together. I'm glad my staying made me more financially secure. Most of the time I love him, but I am not treated with the kindness, caring, and respect I deserve. We never !earned to communicate. So should I have stayed? Should I reconsider now?
If someone needs to “detox” from their AFFAIR partner they don’t deserve a spouse. Talk about pouring salt in a gaping wound 💔
@KittyMeowxxx-s8r It's actually true from a neurological standpoint. The brain chemistry proves it that they get a dopamine hit when they are with their AP or others who stroke their ego. This is usually due to a deficit brought on from childhood trauma that has never been resolved or gotten to the root of. This is why getting to the bottom of things early on is so important, although it's often the thing they are most scared of and will avoid like the plague. Going for the EMS Weekend oftentimes helps to break this barrier as they are encouraged by the safe, non-judgmental, non-stigmatic environment where other couples are also going through affair recovery themselves and can open up finally and form some sort of community. Check out the research from the Gottmans for more details about the biochemistry factor. Unfortunately, you can't turn off biology, regardless of how you feel, but you can do something about it if you get to the source. I hope this helps!
How long does this stage last??? I’m at 21 months since d-day and still fight with myself in my mind daily over what the right thing to do for me….
Hope things are going better. I think that'll depend a lot on the amount of unresolved past traumas you've had. Some of us it takes years, only to later realize that there was something underneath that gangrened that wound.
My wife had affair 2 months ago i found about it and we stay together we tried work our marriage out but she in love with the other guy she doesn't talk to me she doesn't feel nothing for me. When i cry she ask to stop crying i dnt now weather our marriage is really over
are you still together?
@dineshdeepnarain Cut off her easy access to her AP by insisting that you guys move or you break off the marriage. She is in limerence and needs to detox psychologically from her AP. That will be very difficult to do so long as she continues to have access to him. This is why she is still able to stay detached from you emotionally and has very little empathy for what you're going through. Best of luck to you guys!
How can you restore a relationship if your husband will not talk about this infidelity, it’s cause and reason? Its been 7months since our confrontation and one year since I learned of his affair. Friends will tell me, get back together, My husband wants to get back and forget what he did :(
it's incredibly difficult to just 'forget and move on.' the pain is too much and the hurt is too deep to simply move on. it takes expert care and help from those who have been through it before. those that have never been through it, simply don't get it. you need a plan and a process and the right people involved. what we can't talk about, we can't heal from. it's typically shame which prevents us from wanting to talk about our failures of this magnitude.
@cristinaarcillasPage1 I agree with Samuel. Why don't you ask your husband to go for the EMS Weekend just to see if there's any hope of salvaging your marriage at all. If he says no, you have your answer.
I’m staying no matter what….I love her I just want to know why
Can healing ever really take place if the infidelities have caused an icurable STD that affects our sexual acts ? Im sticking around It's been over 2 years .
@JanelleG0822 Yikes! 😬 Unfortunately, that is oftentimes a scary reality for betrayed spouses and one that could possibly even take one's life. If your husband is not willing to recovery work, he may still continue to bring things home to you that you have no idea about. It sounds like you guys really need to see a therapist like yesterday!
Hi pls mention as a scrolling because we can read we are from india we cant understand prononcation pls
At marriage counciling apparently my spouse wants his cake and eats it too.. 25 yrs of tolerating affairs and He’s tired of us now 😳
i'm terribly sorry.
@mitzyme6262 That sounds like typical narcissistic devaluation and discard to me. Honey, that's his problem, not yours. He likely has issues of past childhood trauma that have never been resolved and as a result he constantly seeks validation elsewhere to keep his ego topped up with fresh supply. This is why Samuel at the other AR contributors often refer to the need for the unfaithful spouse to go through a detox phase from their AP(s) in addition to family of origin/trauma therapy. After all these years, maybe it's time to give him an ultimatum and work on your own healing so you can develop more self-respect and self-esteem since he clearly is bent on beating yours down to make himself feel better. As he sees you improve, it will challenge him to no end and will either force him to catch up or drive him away. Either way, you will come out better. All the best to you and your healing! 🥹❤️🩹
This is good psychology. Good advice. But no Scripture
What if there is a child from the affair? Thats a sign to let go??
Expiriencing this right now
@Cotenetdlited Check out the testimonial from Mickey and his wife under AR's playlists. They went through the same thing and his wife actually volunteered to be the mediator between him and his AP regarding his son with the latter to ensure the AP's access was cut off from her husband. That's a bold approach not everyone could stomach, but his work for them. He also had to put in place accountability partners and a travel plan, since this requirement of his work opened up doors of vulnerability which enabled his affairs and later his AP (the more relational one of them). I hope they give you inspiration and guidance. To YOUR healing! 🥹❤️🩹