It's a crushing feeling to know you've been betrayed, everything crumbles. I wish everyone going through it finds the strength to overcome it and heal.
Thank you. I’ve only ever felt this kind of pain before when my loved ones passed. It’s like grieving the loss of a person you thought you knew. They were capable of things you never thought they would do. They have kept so many things from me. So many lies. I don’t think I can ever trust again. Maybe just not for a long time.
For me the hardest hurdle is getting the images out of my mind. Seeing her and knowing someone else has seen her in a way only I should. I'm just repulsed. Update: Left her, found someone better, and now I'm happily married with our first child on the way. The ex cheating on me was the best thing to ever happen to me.
@@OaK-_R Hi Mike, I don't know what part of the world you live in, but I hope there are counsellors that you could speak to, to process your pain and frustration. The community on this page are also really helpful, to know you're not the only one going through such hurt.
Just wonderful, I've been looking for "repairing marriage after affair" for a while now, and I think this has helped. Have you heard people talk about - Qenamilla Strayer Magnet - (do a google search ) ? Ive heard some super things about it and my friend got cool results with it.
I agree, staying hooked to the love, affection, nice feelings is a form of bad addiction, with a mix of doubt and anger towards the other person, staying always leads to more destruction in the future, leaving means a fresh start, a lesson, and a new view to the world.
The hardest part for me is knowing my man touched another woman and was touched by her. Looking into his eyes knowing those eyes gazed upon her body during intimacy. It's a matter of contamination; his body was mine, and now it will never feel completely mine again and her touch will still be there. It can't be undone or unknown.
i fully agree. it’s something you can’t get over like that. your partner sharing their body with someone else and doing the things they do with you to them poisons the heart.
@@addyrose Blessings to you for peace. I don't know if I could have stayed. Your love kept you going somehow. That kind of betrayal would shut me down. If we stayed together we would have to live separate lives. Bless your beautiful heart and soul. 🙏
Anyone going through this I just want you to know you are loved and you deserve better. Most people who cheat do it for issues within their own heart & mind. You are worthy of love and trust. I hope you heal this year.
@@DiogenesDworkinson Diogenes, I must mention that you’ve always been perfectly loved… by the One in Whose image we were made. Jesus- He didn’t want heaven w/o us. So He bought us back and signed the purchase in His blood. That’s a strong love + that covenant is real. “If u walk thru a storm, keep yer head up high, And don’t be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of the lark. Walk on thru the wind, walk on thru the rain, tho your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on w/hope in yer heart and you’ll never walk alone. You’ll never walk alone.” (Carousel)
It takes more courage to leave. Leave everything you know, everything you planned together and wanted so badly. Leave comfortability and be alone because it’s what’s best for you in the long run.
Actually it's not about courage. It's challenging to both leave or stay. Some people would find it easier to leave, because healing and staying may consume more energy.
*You should forgive a cheater and move on with your life. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay. Cheaters don't have the integrity, honesty, guts or mental toughness to end a relationship before getting involved with someone else. Confronting a cheater upset or frustrated is meaningless, it's laughing material and a ego stroke to them. They're not worth your time or energy because they have to lie and mislead. If a cheater is caught they have to 'pretend' to have remorse or be sorry for their actions; some will put on displays so believable that they should be nominated for an Oscar. Ghost cheaters, go no contact and live life looking forward to the great days ahead!*
Trust and loyalty is important in any relationship, I realise I wasn't being paranoid or crazy and most times it's better to go with your instincts. Thanks for keeping to the confidentiality agreement CYBERLOGICS_ very reliable and professional
People have affairs because they are emotionally underdeveloped , they haven't grown up yet and they are unlikely to ever grow up . So you have to ask the question , do you want to live with a person who is emotionally a child ? .
3 years later and I can say with absolute confidence that I really regret letting this video affect my decision when it happened to me. Cheers to you if it actually helped you out but all it did for me was give my ex the go ahead to continue to manipulate and abuse me instead of putting a stop to it
I was thinking the same thing would happen to me if I take this ted talk to heart. Sorry you went through that, and thank you for sharing this particular perspective.
Yep, this woman lost me completely when I heard that, I'm not listening to the rest of it. Sure, some people can 'work' there way back to some sort of relationship but that trust, once it's gone, it's not coming back in a hurry, if at all.
On our 20th anniversary, while 9 months pregnant with our 5th child, I found out about the affair. Honestly never known a bigger betrayal story than my own. It's 10 years later now, and I'm just now finally healing. Our divorce is finalized TODAY.
I have had 5 children with my fiancee over the past 10 years and am a year into my trauma after discovering her multiple layers of betrayal while we battled through several miscarriages after our 2nd child
Trust and loyalty is important in any relationship, I realise I wasn't being paranoid or crazy and most times it's better to go with your instincts. Thanks for keeping to the confidentiality agreement CYBERLOGICS_ very reliable and professional
Imagine finding out your spouse is cheating while you’re 9 months pregnant & they’ve ended up giving you an std.. this happened to me yesterday & i don’t know what to do from here. We have a 2 year old together 😔 .
@@sugamama9444 I urge you to take time to heal first before you make a decision to leave the marriage. If your husband is repentant and willing to make long lasting changes, I always believe its worth staying. I will pray for you and wish you the best.
@@johnmagee3292 thank you for your words. He wants his marriage and family, but refuses to tell what happened, only that it happened. I can't get past the need to know
Not my first time being cheated on, but the last person on earth I ever would of thought to cheat on me did. Why can't people just be honest and loyal? Selfishness... Just know for everyone else who had just been cheated on that it will get better with time. That you deserve to be happy and the right person will show up one day and be a part of your life forever. Just hang in there and have a positive attitude. It wasn't your fault for what they did. Sending peace and love your way. You're not alone.
Trust and loyalty is important in any relationship, I realise I wasn't being paranoid or crazy and most times it's better to go with your instincts. Thanks for keeping to the confidentiality agreement CYBERLOGICS_ very reliable and professional
Took me 3 years to feel myself again. I’m glad I divorced him. My neighbor said my life started to blossom like a flower after he moved out. I hadn’t even realized I was w/an emotionally abusive + controlling narcissist. This Ted talk- don’t let it confuse you. It’s been 30 years now. Children grown.. I’m happy, single, + better off. Jesus stepped in to help me, + He’s still my Comfort + my Song.
Its not about loyalty its about honesty. I feel bad that people who have cheat feel guilty and shame they carried . I would Leave i know it trust is trust it not quitting, its evolving trust that you have made a pact to yourself and god. If people cant be honest with themselves in relationship what makes people they can be honest by themselves alone. Its okay to forgive no perfect. And marriage is not end all be all.
I was with my ex wife for 14 years. The moment I found out she cheated on me. I left her! POINT BLANK!! Her sisters were involved in encouraging it and covering it up. Never disrespect me & I deserve better 👍
My relationship was 14 as well. She cheated but tried to lead me along under the disguise of “separating to find herself” I found out there was someone else. Although I didn’t find out all the details in my mind the trust was gone. She lied about her huge financial debt/spending five years prior to our current situation. She lied to me for three years about her debt as we had a plan to pay ofc our bills and purchase a house. Because of this past money betrayal I realize now after this infidelity that she is just a pathological liar. I’ve filed for divorce because you can’t rebuild a marriage when the other cant be honest.
It is important to avoid making generalizations about any specific group of individuals based on their race or gender. The behavior of pursuing someone who is not interested in a romantic relationship is not limited to any particular racial or ethnic group, and it can be exhibited by individuals of any background. Attraction and romantic interests are complex, and they vary from person to person. People are drawn to different qualities, personalities, and connections. It is not uncommon for someone to develop feelings for someone who does not reciprocate those feelings. This can happen regardless of race or gender. It is also essential to note that love and attraction cannot be forced. It is not healthy or respectful to try to coerce or manipulate someone into loving or being interested in a relationship with you if they do not feel the same way. Each individual has the right to choose their romantic partners based on their own preferences and feelings. It is crucial for individuals to focus on developing healthy and respectful relationships based on mutual understanding, consent, and shared interests. Communication and acceptance of each other's boundaries are key components of any healthy romantic pursuit.
Infidelity kills a relationship because betrayal destroys trust..There can be no relationship once trust is gone..Betrayal of someone who loves you is not just a mistake. A mistake is when you get off on the wrong stop on the bus. A mistake is when you serve the wrong fork with the salad. Betrayal is a murderous offence against the relationship and one's partner.
robert traverso TRUE WORDS👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 After trying to stay and make it work with my husband for four years I was struggling so badly that I was just a shadow - I wasn’t even able to live my life. I don’t know what the future holds now, but I am gaining my courage and strength to move on without him. Last week he told me he hasn’t ever even loved me romantically so that’s sort of the straw that breaks the camel’s back huh?😔
From someone who just came out of a relationship who was cheated on and betrayed, I just do not understand how trying to make it work makes you courageous. Although I did try to make it work for a year I felt my self esteem drop more than I ever felt courageous. I think this might only work in a very specific scenario. I think in most situations, a relationship could not work if infidelity occurs.
@@meganthebritishcatmommy ex refused to sit side by side or in front seat of car together. Wanted to watch my ryes to sre if i watched others. That way wpuld be easy to blame me guilty or not.
A relationship can never be the same after a cheating scandal. There will always be arguments about what happened, the partner’s trust will be ruined forever leading to constant confrontation and the need for reassurance but nothing will be enough to make them trust you again. It’s just not worth it
Correct 💯! Which is why it is very very very hard to stay in a relationship after a betrayal. It doesn’t work. I tried but nothing was ever the same. I never loved him the same. Never looked at him the same. Never felt the same. It was completely worthless trying to work it out. He didnt really care and I was putting all the work in, depleting my energy, and dying inside.
I use to think I'd never take someone back. But after it happened to me, I understood how someone could. As much you are hurt, you also miss them immensely. Granted I think it was the person and the relationship before they cheated you actually miss. It was still really tempted with how much I missed them.
Yes that is true you really end up missing the person they made themselves to be before they started talking to the other women and betraying you. They were trying to create a different image for you the whole time
If you get abused and you forgave it means you you didn’t forgive our for nothing , you acknowledge that he was sorry and you are watching that he is behaving better so that what you look for when you forgive somebody so the total out come will work, but once it happened again it’s a repeated sin intentionally after being forgiven and given another chance so yes then you can’t go back . At the end God is forgiving and we can be like him too he is merciful
The relationship died after betrayal and we parted our ways.I couldn’t look at him again the same way and it was better to leave. And I chose to leave him. It is hard to end 26 years but worth it.
I was surely disappointed by this talk. I had a boyfriend for 3 years, where he cheated on me several times along the way. Every time I found out, I tried to forgive but my feelings for him started going cold. The last time it happened, I could only feel indifference towards him. He said something I can’t get out of my head till today “Stop the drama. It happened before, you shouldn’t be surprised.” - true or not, this is the speaking of someone who had no respect for me.
My ex cheated on me, and when I found out, I was so devastated but I decided to forgive him and work things out between us because he told me he still loves me, and I know at that time I loved him too so I forgave him and talked things out with him with what went wrong and etc, he said he would do anything to make it up to me and I did my best to not accidentally guilt trip him when I know he is making the effort.... couple of months later, he told me he wanted to take a break in the relationship stating he wants to focus on his studies and finding himself. Then I just realize, he is just another all talk and no actions, he failed to take ownership of his actions, in his last text, he even justified his cheating. Honestly, I broke up with him and am moving on (I’m still in the healing process because I once loved him very much) It sucks to get cheated on, the toxic questions you keep asking yourself like “why did he cheat on me, am I not good enough, did I do something “???..... it’s heartbreaking Please don’t cheat on your partner, think of how you would make them feel
The comments are very sad... To those who chose to stay, as long as you feel loved and you genuinely feel that the relationship grew stronger after infidelity, don't be swayed by society's very harsh judgement on the issue. Congratulations for trying to fix what was broken instead of throwing it away. To those who chose to end the relationship, if you feel that it's for the best, then so be it.
Thank you. As long as there is a commitment and love from both parties to save the marriage, then I feel it is worth the effort. Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past.
It's very much worth it. Infidelity isn't the only form of betrayal by any means. As long as the 2 of you are committed to working through it and you love each other, then its worth it. Problem is that people don't wanna put in the work. But had they put in the work before the cheating started, then maybe or possibly, the cheating would not have started. Men and women both cheat. But it's a matter of finding out why and being able to hear the reasons from each person
@@ultimate7719 ok. what about the wife or husband that gets cheated on even though the relationship was really good prior to the affair? what excuse does the cheater have then?
I always thought I’d leave, until it happened to me. I’m trying to be courageous, I’m trying to be strong. Its so painful and so devastating when it happens to you. It’ll be the hardest thing I ever go through, but if we can rebuild it will be the best decision I ever made to stay.
@@frankgeary7574 It might be time for you to cut your losses & end things. From this comment, she doesn’t seem remorseful about how she hurt you. There seems to be a lack of empathy on her end. Time to rethink if this is what you really want in a partner. You can forgive her & still choose not be with her anymore. You can still care about her & choose to break up with her.
Also cheated on here and I wanna stay in our marriage because I love him. But omg it hurts! It's so freakin bad. The hurt sent my into depression and anxiety. I probably will never trust him anymore.
Betrayed? Spend your energy on You! Walk away and pour your love into yourself and let go of the pain that ripped your life apart! Walk away and be happy in your own time and on your own terms!! You don’t have to stay and accept the left over bread crumbs of the betrayer!
Infidelity? Just leave. I just found that my "wife" still wants to be a friend of his exlover. She didn't want to leave contact even after 3 years of therapy. I just left her minutes ago. It was the right thing.
Im deeply sorry this happened to you. My husband had a 7 month long affair this yr and im holding on for dear life. Today i felt different....i felt so defeated and now im thinking i need to walk away. Best of luck in your future and i pray for your healing.
I had the same. She was chceating for 2y. She said it would be the best if I disappear from her live. There were come backs as well (He is married). I was divorcing him in fact course he was given her support. She is his who..e. One of many in his XXI century "harem".
I think it take courage to do both. It has been so hard dealing with an infidelity in my own marriage but I do have to say once we both processed and decided to work on things, it has made us better. We are more open than we have ever been, there are childhood traumas we both had to work on too. There is no easy way, it takes a lot of work, I think you will know in your heart if the relationship is worth saving.
I think this is one of the best comments. Your right on target. Only the two of you know. If you see true remorse, a real will to change, or a lack of it you should know if its worth moving forward or not. These videos are super helpful and a blessing but it comes down to the couple looking in each other's eyes.
@@The_Mim Why would you stay? Do you prefer being abused emotionally? That's what cheating is. You're only staying because you don't want to let go. If the therapy sessions start making you feel like you are at fault and the cheater is the victim. You could be dealing with a narcissist or a toxic individual. Serial cheating is NOT PART of a healthy relationship. You're probably addicted to the lows and the highs. Cut yourself off if that's the case.
I've known 1 couple that the husband cheated. She was my best friend so she moved in with me for a bit. They ended up getting back together and he realized what he was losing... They've had the best relationship ever since. Now I'm not as forgiving...It can work but I think the one that was deceitful has to be completely transparent with everything until they can build that trust again.
He became a much better at hiding the cheating, I witness men I work with spouses brag about how great the relationship is after infidelity, not realizing that he’s still cheating. It’s sad and somewhat pathetic. If there was an agreement that cheating would not be tolerated then you should end the relationship regardless of love or length of the relationship. If you can’t keep your word then what’s the point of making promises. Divorcing/dumping someone you truly takes courage and you’ll be respected for keeping your word. If you don’t follow through then they’ll never respect you for being so weak and they’ll likely continue to cheat and do a better job concealing it. Cheaters only thrive because there are no consequences if you don’t leave them.
@kaze-xo Nope I cheated shows how much you know. I am telling you you were lacking something they needed. True story. My husband is faithful because I shower him with love.
@kaze-xo I don't think I meant that comment at you, but from the other side people cheat for many reasons. Not being mean, it is true. Lack of communication causes things to fall apart. I just wish people could communicate and try in their marriages. Not saying everyone did something wrong. I am saying the cheated on not to be mean maybe made a simple mistake like in my case. Disrespect or lack of trying can be two causes. It is all very sad.
I've learned in life not to say what I would or wouldn't do - I've eaten a few words!! That said, for me and the infidelity I experienced in my marriage, the trust is never the same. I had to "go" and while I'm lonely at times, I have peace of mind and a calm in my life I wouldn't trade for a relationship.
Thanks for watching and sharing your story. Sorry to hear what you had to go through but it sound like you're in a better place now. Hope others are inspired by you.
Everyone is so quick to say “just leave them…no way is it worth it to stay”. Believe me, I said the same thing before. In fact I said I’d kill my spouse if it ever happened. However, once you see the person that you truly love genuinely agonize, show extreme remorse, and want to ferociously fight to restore and grow the relationship you realize that a much greater love than before can develop and you can actually build something far stronger than most have….well, you might see the value in not letting it all go. Yes, the devastation and deceit can never be undone and probably not forgotten but there can be a great path ahead that doesn’t involve throwing everything away that you love. Forgiveness in times like these is quite powerful.
yes i know. 20th years married.. and found out 3 months ago.. it's NOT easy to say and NOT easy to leave either.. I know God got this and I am praying for my husband's salvation,
The word affair doesn't come close to the realization of what took place. The special moments you had (seeing you sleeping, discussions and moments when it was just the two of you in the whole world) are no longer special. They now belong to another. The level of deception is cruel.
5 years in a relationship and 1 year being cheated on without knowing. I thought that she was the one - the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It just hurts man. I don't even know how to describe it
3 years for me.... We have a toddler and a newborn and this all happened while I was pregnant with our second baby and he was "working overtime" and "training."
Narcissistic infidelity differs from "normal cheating", because a narcissist feels no shame or remorse for what they've committed! In fact, they convince themselves it's your fault, and actually lead the new partner to believe they're a victim of you. A narcissist will talk about marriage and having kids with you, while sleeping with another person. They'll give you the silent treatment and punish you, trying to make you feel bad for their own bad behavior. Survivors often wonder "why wasn't I good enough?" or "why is the new partner better than me?" because the narcissist will shamelessly wave this person in your face and parade the new target around on social media. Every second you spend comparing yourself to this person will erode your self-worth and fill you with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. How did they replace you so quickly, immediately making all the same promises to another person? The answer is simple: Cluster-B disorders all stem from the inability to attach. They never attached to you, which is why they try to intensely manufacture all the normal feelings of love and bonding, and it's also why they are able to detach and do the same thing to someone else in one day. Because they never successfully attached to you, despite all of their sweeping words. Sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of attaching to other human beings, so they hone all of these other skills like seduction, flattery, mirroring-all in an attempt to mimic what they see other people doing: loving each other. The problem is, they see "love" as receiving constant attention and adoration. This is what they give to you, and this is what they want to receive in return. The NY Times describes it this way. "Narcissistic alexithymia: The inability to understand or describe the emotions in the self. Unable to know themselves, sufferers are unable to understand, relate or attach to others. To prove their own existence, they hunger for endless attention from outside." Narcissistic "supply" is really just a distraction from this condition. When you fail to relieve this (because no external factor can), you are punished and replaced. No matter how caring and kind you were, they still don't feel good, and their disorder convinces them that a new partner will be the magical fix to everything. This is when you get "split" as the crazy bad person so they can justify their sudden change of heart. Even though they blame you, I hope you can see that this process has literally nothing to do with you. You can follow their new relationship, hope it fails, analyze yourself, analyze them, try to be more perfect, prove yourself, figure out whose fault it was, etc. All you're doing is hurting yourself. Turn your focus from external to internal. What do you feel? Inadequacy? Shame? Rejection? Betrayal? These are your feelings, and those are what matter. You need to work with these feelings, understand them, and learn to offer yourself the comfort and love needed to heal them. Otherwise you're just left with an unresolved mess of pain from an impossible situation, and a frightened heart that believes it's at fault. Left untended, it'll eventually just fade into a numb obscurity. Work with this pain, understand it, talk with it, communicate with your body. This is the most important thing you can do. Every time you're tempted to check on them, ask yourself what you're feeling. A void? Emptiness? Loneliness? Resentment? Numbness? These issues cannot be resolved through searching externally. Yes, they were created by an external factor, but it's your wound now, whether you want it or not. You are the only person who can decide to nurture these wounds and build a loving relationship with your emotions. Additionally, You can remotely spy on your narc partner without leaving any evidence or traces and you’ll be getting their text from their phone to your phone. This can only be accomplished by hiring a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com who can help you hack into their device and uncover whatever they are hiding from you.
@@josephercastor8026 If lying to yourself helps you sleep at night then have at it. If there was an agreement that cheating would not be tolerated then you should end the relationship regardless of love or length of the relationship. If you can’t keep your word then what’s the point of making promises. Divorcing/dumping someone you truly takes courage and you’ll be respected for keeping your word. If you don’t follow through then they’ll never respect you for being so weak and they’ll likely continue to cheat and do a better job concealing it. Cheaters only thrive because there are no consequences if you don’t leave them.
I fell for this clap trap!! And here I am 4 years later absolutely destitute and in therapy, only now courageous enough to leave now I have lost absolutely everything… Please love and respect yourselves enough to put YOU first, I wish with every broken fibre of my being that I had.
Happened to me and we reconciled BUT it's never the same. There is always doubt and visions of what may or may not have happened in the bedroom. A multitude of emotions that do not ever go away even after 20 years, so no leave and heal and move on.
After my wife admitted sleeping with my friend and blaming me for it I immediately told her that I forgave and still loved her. I then left her after she continued to lie and defend him. I was actually crushed more than I had ever experienced. I have used these videos to help me move on. I still struggle every day though its getting better.
I would honestly thank them both. It’s not often that you have the opportunity to completely cut ties with two corrupt individuals at the same time. I’d say you lucked out.
A month ago I found out that my wife of 22 years was having an affair for the last four and half years. My heart has been shattered to pieces. We have five children ages 8 to 18. The idea of my children having to suffer a broken home also breaks my heart. I chose to stay. I had an epiphany a few days after I discovered the infidelity. I didn't sleep that night. I found pictures of my wife that seemed only to confirm the infidelity. But I also found thousands of other pictures - pictures of her and the children. I noticed that I was in a very small percentage of these pictures. I had to ask myself 'why was I not there.' Then I realized that I chose not to be there. I had allowed resentment to poison my marriage long before my wife stepped out. My taking responsibility for my shortcomings does not excuse my wife's behavior. What she did was wrong, hurtful, and selfish. I sense that she is genuinely remorseful and wants to repair the damage that her actions have brought. Her actions of late confirm this. A month later - my trust in her is still at its lowest. I expect that this going to take a lot of time and building to find a place of security again. But today I am giving my wife the husband that she has longed for. I am attentive, concerned, and present. I have renewed my determination to have a health, happy marriage. I have chosen to be vulnerable in the hopes that we can have something better than before. If she should ever stray again then I know that the problem was never me.
I’m around the same boat brother, I have a girlfriend that we share two beautiful twin girls. Though out most of our relationship I’ve been texting/sexting other girls thinking it was okay because no physical intimacy was made. She found out in 2021 and may 2023. Last week I went through her phone and found all the messages with a 2 day fling she had with some dr at a work conference. I spiraled out of control and lashed out in all the worst ways possible. All I can feel is that I lead her into this moment. She’s asked me for a more communicative relationship. And I never bothered to try I’m just a very emotionally closed off person. I’ve started to smoke weed and it has helped me to open up so much more, I’m starting to journal to remember all the emotions I have and take our relationships to the next deeper level
Why did you text sexting as you worded it... and thought that was okay? At that moment there was something in your relationship that needed some tlc. Because you were not happy...
How is this your fault? Was she always the wife YOU deserved? It's sickening to see people fall apart and believe their mistakes are a REASON why anyone would do that. There is never a good reason for it. Things not working out? Try therapy or intervention maybe? or separate - but women have this innate ability to show how your imperfections led them to wrong you and that's why it's ultimately your fault. Screw that. Not being the best husband can happen, just like not being the best wife always. While it takes work, notice that the infidelity portion is the only one God lists as a complete sin and the ONLY reason He gives to end a marriage. No Sir, stand your ground. She made the decision to do wrong. I applaud you though, for sticking around knowing the knife is twisting in your gut. There's nothing like it. Men seriously don't get credit for they live through. I understand fully doing it for the sake of offspring. That's the trap. My dad used to say that women only want what they have until something "seemingly" better comes along. The "better" is the guy that usually offers the shoulder to cry on and agrees with everything they say and bide their time until they get emotional feedback and eventually get physical. It's literally so easy to get most married women to sleep with you. They are so gullible. There's men that do it for sport. It's easy to be the one that says yes all the time, while not raising the kids, worrying about work, having none of the daily marital day to day issues. On average women tend to cheat starting at about 4 years into the marriage. It's believed that about 20+% children are being raised by men who are not even their father. It's sick.
@@jofrejkd My synopsis does not give unnecessary details. So do not presume upon my perspective. While there are all kinds of women with good and bad qualities in varying degrees - my wife's infidelity is hers to correct. This Ted talk is about repairing a relationship so that both partners can be better than what they were before. It is out of strength and courage that I have chosen do the work to obtain that goal. However, to each his own. Some may choose a similar path forward or some may choose your path and say - "Screw that"
This is backwards.........It takes courage to walk away. The fact is, many people stay because they are "afraid" to disrupt their life. I know from personal experience. For a long time I avoided doing what I knew I should. It was hard to get through it but I came out on the other side in a way better shape. I am now remarried and very happy. In "general" this is very bad advice, especially for guys, where the physiology is often different from a woman's. You don't get the betrayal out of your head even if you learn to live with it. It's not surprising this advice comes from a woman.
5 лет назад+21
Yes, walking away requires more courage, especially later in life.
Zemli Drakona I am in the middle of trying to walk away...staying with family but not fully moved out and giving him a few months of the ‘just needs more time’ that he keeps asking for. But my heart is shattered and my physical (I have a chronic illness which is heavily impacted by stress) and mental health have declined so badly over the last four years...but I didn’t want it to end like this. Leaving will be the HARDEST thing I have EVER DONE and will ever do in my whole life💔🥺
Totally agree. I'm a man who was betrayed and lost my day to day contact with my two children. She had no desire to stop. It was a character flaw I can see 40 years later!
I'm holding onto hope that his realization and commitment to change are genuine and that we can build a stronger, trust-filled relationship. Despite the challenges, I'm optimistic that his drastic life event has truly prompted a positive transformation in him.
My wife had an affair and I decided to stay. I don't think unfaithful spouses will ever understand the absolute pain and suffering the hurt spouse goes through. Your identity, safety, trust in people, parts of your humanity, and ability to truly love are destroyed. Maybe, not until the unfaithful goes through the exact same pain will they understand or even begin to relate. I now find myself putting up a defensive wall for my heart just to protect myself from her. Kind of expecting it to happen again because I can't fully trust right now. All I can do is not micromanage her, but instead focus on me and just let her be. I am forcing myself to trust her again and let her prove her worthiness of my love. Fighting through this process is difficult, but I believe the old marriage has died and this new one may prove stronger.
Arturo, no disrespect intended but don't you feel disgusted when you kiss her and know 100% that another man's d**k was in her mouth and that he pounded her balls deep, probably with no protection, and that they 100% said they loved each other. No woman sleeps with men with no feelings. Man, you really are a saint if you can endure this. But I really hope you get out of this toxic relationship and find yourself a loyal woman. you'll have a heart attack if you stay, the constant stress is not worth it, don't waste time.
@@samc8249 The child deserves to live in a normal environment, if my woman cheats on me i won't be able to treat her with respect, the feelings will be dead, and i wouldn't want my kid to see how i hate his mom, it can f'up him mentally. So i'd leave even if i have a child. The kid would benefit more in the future if he has a strong, happy and successful father.
We were high school sweethearts. Together 11 and a half years, married for 5 and a half of them. He was the only man i'd ever been with. It was so so hard to cut him loose when he had his affair. He was all i'd ever known, we grew up together. But I realized that he had changed and was no longer good for me. Was no longer the 18 year old i fell in love with. But was now a lying, cheating, selfish, manipulative man. I can confidently say I'm much better off - but I still think about him every single day.
One more thing.......people go into a marriage thinking love is the most important thing. Love is maybe #2! Honor is the most important thing. Love will wax and wane. You aren't always feeling it when things aren't going so well. But if you get past the hard parts at least you can work on your relationship and get it back. However, you absolutely need honor and you absolutely need to hold to your commitments . Honor is what carries you through the hard times. It's not so hard if you have some rules. Of course you will see other people you are attracted to, but you don't need to act on that. I use a rule of no social 1 on 1 time with any other women. If I have business I get it done in a business setting and leave. This does not mean I don't trust myself. It's also for my spouse. It leaves no doubt in her mind where I stand and she never has to worry. This may seem extreme to some people and perhaps it's not for everyone, but it works for me.
YES !! you said exactly what I was thinking, HAVE HONOR! . Feelings come and go, but having values and a set of rules to always remind oneself of them and follow them ensures that you will do what's right not what feels good. DOING WHATS RIGHT IS FAR SUPERIOR AND MUCH MORE RESPECTABLE. thank you sir I absolutely wish I could like your comment a million times.
Life is hard enough without harbouring a traitor in your life. Cheating (especially 2 year long affairs) are the ultimate mark of disrespect and contempt. Granted that you may have been a bad partner also but don't take any blame for infidelity!! That is the most childish and cowardly act. Why then would you reward this with the "courageous" act of rebuilding? Don't reward cowardice with courage, you are worth more than that. Remove them from your life as best you can and grieve the life you THOUGHT you had before. You'll come out stronger.
she mentions that she was the primary breadwinner in the relationship...the "strong one". It's no wonder the woman ended up cheating..the fact she did it with a co-worker is very telling. Women need men who are strong and providers. If they are pulling most of the weight in the relationship it becomes a turn off to them and they fall for men who will pamper them and make them feel safe.
Dean of DVD Yes mate. She’s cheated on her new partner twice (at least as we know), I’m still in touch with some of her family as we were close. Meanwhile I’ve moved on and met someone else. We respect each other and are very happy. Don’t get me wrong - it’s not easy to leave and can take some planning. But at the end of the day it’s not easy to have your emotions/life raked over the coals again and again in a relationship with broken trust and a gut wrenching feeling that things will never be the same. I know I’d choose the temporary pain of leaving and starting over every time.
The comments here are heartbreaking. I hope that as we move forward there is more support for people to face their demons and insecurities and live a more fulfilling life.
I hope so too. When you’ve been betrayed in the cruelest way possible, you’re stuck with a pain so deep it stays with you. Your quality of life is gone, and you don’t get enjoyment out of life.
no..... trust your gut and leave the relationship if you are not happy. There's plenty of people out there who will treat you right without you needing the "courage" or strength. Don't lower you're standard for someone who didn't consider your feelings with something so clearly hurtful. Follow your gut and don't let anyone elses words lead you to your decision. I wish you the best and remember that there's better for you out there. Don't settle
I feel that if you did not have the character to remain true to the love of your life - you do not deserve the happiness they already tried to give you... Why should someone reinvest into a person that just showed them they are not strong enough to remain in the bounds of trust you had already given them ??? What should had happened is they should have come to their partner & started the work your talking about before stepping out on their partner. There is something wrong with your character if opportunity controls your loyalty... This behavior not having a real consequence is the reason it is thriving. I bet if you knew (Hands Down) you would loose "EVERYTHING" you had gotten from your relationship, it wouldn't be no were near as bad as it is today...
I have been up all night trying to figure why am I giving our relationship another chance after a number of one nighters and most recently an affair. Your words just hit home.Thank you
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Infidelity is the type of betrayal that haunts you. You lose your identity and self control. Whether you choose to stay or go it still takes the strength of a warrior. Sometimes you randomly become moody,emotional, and angry. It's hard to put into words how you truly feel. The thought of another touching your partner in ways you can't imagine hurts, haunts, and destroys the soul. The worst part is that they will never understand how bad they've hurt you.
@@stanchance I think it’s usually a lot easier for the cheater to deny the level of pain and damage they’ve caused. Cheaters don’t usually think of themselves as horrible people, so it’s easier for them to deny that they’ve done something so horrible. Sadly, most would rather shift blame onto their faithful spouses.
@@stanchance My husband has never shed a single tear. I've spent nights screaming and crying. I am literally destroyed. He might not cry until he is served with divorce papers and reads the cause - adultery.
It’s courageous to stay ? ... hmmm well in my experience, getting back with her was stupidity. Not only did she cheat on me again but she married the guy too. Go figure. When someone cheats , leave and never go or look back.
I'm currently in that exact situation. 12 year relationship, married and 1 child. My wife cheated on me. I wanted to fix things. We looked at reasons that led to the infidelity. I then asked her to stop the relationship with the other person so we can focus on our couple. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to. I did the right thing, I was courageous! It's really sad.
You did do the right thing, if she were a stronger person she would have too. It is sad but you should be proud of yourself for trying, it the ultimate sign of maturity.
People are cheating and everywhere it is being encouraged to forgive, stay in the relationship, work it out, look at your partner with a renewed set of eyes. No problem for the cheaters anymore. No remorse for them. New style in this generation now!
The problem with staying is that you are now trying to create a relationship with someone who has absolutely betrayed you and will likely do it again. Couples Therapists take in a fortune selling dyadic couples therapy.
*My partner was cheating on me while we were leaving together for 2 years. Although there were so many some red flag, but she never stopped telling me how much she loved me and want to spend the rest of her life with me. So I kept on believing her lies and shoving the red flags. . Never knowing that she was having an affair with a guy that I know and they both kept it a secret. I got to find out when I open up to a very good business partner. How I have been noticing some red flags and he advised me on what to do and to find out for sure if she is being faithful. It was then that I realized that she was having an affair with this guy and they were secretly making future plans.. I was so heart broken by this but still grateful that I did the needful to actually find out. It is really such a painful thing how people plays with ones emotions.*
It would be interesting to see a comparison of the psychological health of those who left an unfaithful partner, with those who decided to stay. It seems to me that being "courageous" means in some way denying the way you are really feeling; and denying your feelings is a bad idea - they're there for a reason, after all. I have heard countless stories of people saying how glad they were that they left a cheating partner, and precious few saying that they were glad that they stayed. My gut feeling is that staying will lead to a diminishing of your self-esteem, resentment, and a kind of "half" life - never truly trusting or being at complete ease with your partner again.
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Once a guy cheats on you, it’s a matter of time before he does it again. A cheater will always be a cheater. Don’t waste your time in fooling yourself that it’s all been fixed because you forgave him. Next time he’d just try a lot harder not to get caught.
That isn’t true at all, I cheated on my wife once, was in a bad mind space at the time, we worked through it, started communicating better and now she is the only woman I can’t take my eyes off, I see her in a whole different light now, she is my queen
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
I watched your video of ending a relationship or staying. I don't believe a more courageous person would stay. I was a married person who decided to leave. I gave up everything I built during my marriage, but I left anyway because of my anger. Leaving was the best choice. Staying is not courageous for most. It's a person who is afraid of what comes next
Thanks for watching Linda, and for having the courage to leave your relationship and face what comes next... as you know, my talk explores both. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I'm sorry you were put in that position. Hope life is good for you now.
@@autumnacker5310 Thanks for watching. I'm so sorry you're still angry. I hope you can find a way to process that, for your own sake and for your children.
@@autumnacker5310 your children know something wrong. They may know why or may not. They will grow up thinking what is happening between the two of you are normal. I don't know about you but I cannot leave that legacy for my children.
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This is a dangerous video for anyone who is going through narcissistic abuse. I can honestly say this video influenced my decision to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship, in which I was cheated on for 2 more years. In some relationships, perhaps, there is true remorse following infidelity. But when there isn't, or when it's all a big lie, this video is the ultimate self-gaslight.
Yes but no. There’s millions of videos on the internet and you have to follow the one you think matches your situation. She never mentioned abuse in any type of form. She talks about people who love each other but one of them folded.
@@anishaplasencia5899 If lying to yourself helps you sleep at night then have at it. If there was an agreement that cheating would not be tolerated then you should end the relationship regardless of love or length of the relationship. If you can’t keep your word then what’s the point of making promises. Divorcing/dumping someone you truly takes courage and you’ll be respected for keeping your word. If you don’t follow through then they’ll never respect you for being so weak and they’ll likely continue to cheat and do a better job concealing it. Cheaters only thrive because there are no consequences if you don’t leave them.
Continuing a relationship after infidelity is like watering a plant with poisoned water-despite your efforts, the toxicity persists, killing the love that once bloomed.
Infidelity affects people at different stages of a relationship differently. It depends on the circumstances and reaction of the cheating partner. Real remorse, regret and apology for erring against your partner can make it easier to forgive and let go of anger and resentment following betrayal. Some partners justify infidelity and are unrepentant. Those should be left and avoided. Noone is perfect. Holding your spouse to angelic standards is recipe for disappointment.
This is my current situation. its been 3months and she hasnt done any of the SOS parts Lucy talks about. She is unrepentant and hasnt done anything to help fix our relationship. Its been ALL on me to push for counseling and she has done nothing but changed passwords, closed up her phone and rip me apart with her family backing her. I just dont see a solution with her anymore. I'm so hurt
Imho it's possible to forgive the repentant cheater but the issue is forgetting what happened and being at peace in the relationship; the negative thoughts will likely eat you up for the rest of your life if you don't find a new love
Nope, whether they are remorseful or not- they cheated. The best result is always ending the relationship. Asking your significant other not to be intimate with another person isn’t asking them to be *perfect* or *angelic*.
True story and advice. I was married for less than a year. No kids. Wife was unfaithful inside that year. I was clueless. She told me to lesson her emotional load. She sobbed and sobbed and apologized. Looking back, she likely minimized her role and actual misbehaviors. I wrongfully and unwisely decided to stay with her. All seems fine for 11 years and add 3 kids...then I see strange calls on our phone log when she's out of town "visiting her sister" three states away. She was cheating again, this time numerous times with married men and families. And later was shown IN MY OWN HOUSE WHEN I WAS AT WORK AS OUR KIDS WERE LOCKED IN BEDROOMS. LISTEN: NEVER EVER EVER EVER STAY WITH A CHEATER IF YOU DO NOT HAVE KIDS! If you do have kids, only do so if you really love the spouse and go forward with 100% accountability by no less than 2 outside, trusted parties. It is highly likely they will cheat again even with that. As a romantic, I was never okay with the hurt. I could never un-visualize it. If you are a romantic-dreamer-creative type like me, with also a logical strength, it may be the hardest thing you ever try to cope with.
Thank you for this. The " never ever ever ever" part really helped. My bf of 3 years has cheated and got caught twice. I forgave him. Twice. And stayed with him 8 more months. Now I have finally broke it off and was tempted again because I guess I'm afraid to be alone? Trying my absolute best to not to call him back. Please Wish me luck. So sorry about what you had to go through.
If there was an agreement that cheating would not be tolerated then you should end the relationship regardless of love or length of the relationship. If you can’t keep your word then what’s the point of making promises. Divorcing/dumping someone you truly takes courage and you’ll be respected for keeping your word. If you don’t follow through then they’ll never respect you for being so weak and they’ll likely continue to cheat and do a better job concealing it. Cheaters only thrive because there are no consequences if you don’t leave them.
No mercy ! it does't hurt you physically but it destroys you mentally. People say to move on but it's not that easy..you can't fix the hole in your heart.
The pain that comes with the first act of infidelity is but a fraction of the complete devastation that is the second betrayal. Forgiving an unfaithful spouse will be the hardest thing you will ever do. Sadly this act will not be viewed as an amazing strength of character but as one of weakness.
Thanks sofamob for watching, and sharing your thoughts about forgiveness... Maybe forgiveness when you get to a place of strength is the key? What do you think?
I think as the betrayed we need to stop looking at forgiveness in a vacuum. It is not a unilateral act, it is both given and received. If insecurity was at the root of the first indiscretion then the guilt one feels at betraying a spouse can be exasperated by being forgiven. I see it as a two sided coin with “love and consideration” on one side and “loathing and contempt” on the other with “forgiveness and indifference” along its edge. Which side lands up truly is a coin toss.
Interesting talk. However, a cheater effectively has emotionally checked out of your relationship to have the affair without any regard to how it will affect you and your family. It could be repaired in certain circumstances but for the vast majority the betrayed needs to find their self respect and be rid of that relationship.
Also would be interested to know which country you're watching my TEDx Talk from Juan... different societies would appear to have different views on staying and going!
If you have lost someone to an affair, I think you have lost them forever. There is no going back, you can forgive, but never forgot. Your life is filled with suspicion about them forever.
If I had a dollar for every one of the morons responding to this video, who seem to think their view of things is the only view, I doubt it would take more than a week or so before I could afford a brand new car... Such absolute nacisism.
Thanks very much for watching and I am sorry to hear about your husband's behaviour. I hope you have supportive people in your life who can help you see you deserve more. I don't know which country you live in, but maybe you could also try marital therapy, to help your husband face up to the pain he continues to cause.
My father had an affair almost 40 years ago. It almost destroyed my mom, and it took years of work to repair their marriage. They are still together. He is 90, she is 85. They have had many, many good years together. He takes very good care of her, as she is the more fragile one. I think when the two partners really do love each other, a marriage can be saved.
I would say their relationship was a successful because the man was honorable at staying and working it out. Not all men are that some type of man. I would also consider the generation. It says a lot to what values are taught. Time has changed society's values.
I forgave. I absolutely, wholeheartedly did. I tried, for 2 months, to make it work. It was only one time. But that shouldn't matter... However, in the end, I decided to quit. I do feel as if I did a mistake...but, I couldn't live with a constant sense of fear and tension, even if my partner would have been completely innocent. Even if it would only have been my paranoia. I just couldn't. I feel guilty but I believe I did the right thing.
If you get abused and you forgave it means you you didn’t forgive our for nothing , you acknowledge that he was sorry and you are watching that he is behaving better so that what you look for when you forgive somebody so the total out come will work, but once it happened again it’s a repeated sin intentionally after being forgiven and given another chance so yes then you can’t go back . At the end God is forgiving and we can be like him too he is merciful
my girl for 8 years started a romantic relationship with her coworker. she told me about it a few days before my birthday. we are still together and sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy on the inside.
20 years into our reconciliation. We are happy most of the time. If I can offer one piece of advice to people taking this same route. DON'T DO IT!! RUN! It isn't the more courageous thing to do. It is now a bad investment and you should invest your time and money into another person. It is courageous to set boundaries. It is courageous to look out for your own mental health. It is courageous to take a step out into the great unknown and start over. There. Was. Nothing. Courageous. About. This. Most of my reconciled acquaintances say the same thing. DO. NOT. DO. IT!
As someone who has tried for 10 years to get past the infidelity and reconcile, to little success... I agree. Don't attempt reconciliation. You'll spend years in a slowly dying sham of a "marriage" where you are afraid to communicate with the other person. You may be able to forgive your partner, but you will NEVER forget, and will always be on your guard around them. It takes FAR more courage to say, "Alright, I'm out," and walk away from a life that could have been decades in the making and planning, because you KNOW you deserve better than what you got, than it does to stay in a situation that you think has a minuscule chance of actually working out to be better than it was before, but you are afraid of the discomfort that change will bring. If someone cheats on you, they are not worth staying with. Nor are they particularly capable of changing themselves without going through intense therapy to address what could make them so callous as to utterly destroy their partner the way that they did.
I agree, and I have the right to agree as a betrayed spouse. I don't know where it ends up. I know that I am not painted into a corner. No one can say that they have done nothing wrong but I can say I did not carelessly go down a path to destroy our marriage. Walking away does not undo the damage done. I agree with what she says about affairs and escape. It is not always about the partner or the marriage, it's often about deep issues that have never been dealt with. At this point, a year and a half afterward, I am frustrated but not angry. It's sad to see someone trapped by their own actions and internal issues. The idea that the cheater got away with something while the betrayed held off from doing the same is very telling. I initially felt that; she had gotten to go have fun while I bypassed that and stayed faithful. At this point I don't feel that at all. Now I see the chaos and debt that 'fun' created. Not just in the marriage and family. There is a real cost internally for the affair participants that is higher than anything else. They can't even talk about or stand to be reminded of their behavior. Affairs are not publicly displayed for a reason, the same reason that other objectively wrong actions are not proudly broadcast. Maybe some people wish they too had an affair. But why didn't they? There's no lack of opportunity for anyone to have an affair. So to me the real blow of the affair is to my wife's self respect, self esteem and ability to live honestly with herself. I don't have to like her to love her. I don't like her, where she is and remains stuck by choice. I still love her, the same as a parent still loves a child that has f'd up, and continues to f-up. The bottom line is that when I have divorced friends tell me to divorce and move on and then they talk about the ex...I don't see the 'moved on' in their verbiage about the ex.
As the betrayer… it took me a while to understand what I’d been doing and the effect. I ran from the truth, forcing who I thought I was upon myself. Never faced the truth never gave the whole truth and that only made me feel good. The woman I did this to gave me chance after chance, she left and came back all while I was doing things with the mother of my children. I hadn’t faced how I felt with the mother of my children honestly before entering a new relationship. This new relationship was supposed to take me away from my life at the time at least that’s what I was trying to do is run. Now I understand and it’s too late. Now everything I ever wanted I’ve lost because I kept running, lying, deceiving. Regardless the goals I accomplish in life, it will never feel the same because my moral compass was off and I knew it and did nothing about it till it was too late. If you’re gonna cheat just leave your person first, that hurt is nothing like how they hurt they will feel once they find out you’ve cheated.
Would you say her leaving for good helped you become a better man or how did it affect you going forward? Did you respect her more for leaving or would you have loved her more for sticking it out with you after you came to the conclusion?
I got cheated on a lot with a lot of different people within one year, and still stayed for another two and a half. Until I couldn't do it anymore. The girl and the strength I lost in myself was refound when I made the choice to leave and try to heal myself alone without him. It's still a process, it's currently a process
I admired your courage!! I'm now in the position that you were in, I knew that leaving is the right choice, but my heart would't let me do it, I talked to him & said that I try to forget the pass & move on to the new page with him..... How do you do now? Are you glad with your choice to leave?
@@rikifauzi3548 I know that feeling. I was afraid to leave for years. But eventually the cheating got so bad I couldn’t take it anymore. In that moment my fear left me because I knew I had nothing to lose by leaving. Leaving is really the more courageous option.
@@tedfinger thank you for sharing your experience, it means alot to me. I have talked with him & said that what he has done was cheating & it hurts me. But he said that those just a one night thing, & nothing more. But what hurts me also, he has done it with 3 different women, on 3 different nights...He said that he didn't mean to cheat on me & he also doesnt want to lose me....I know I should end up this relationship right away, but letting him go is like thursting knife to my heart, it hurts even by thinking it... I also couldn't share it with my friends nor my family due to certain conditions....
Just left my partner not because he cheated but because he would do this eventually and I don't want to go through this. A person used to variety will not change because of you. It's been messing a lot with my head and I'm so proud to have the courage to end it.
They can if they don’t know how to love or handle tough situations maturely. It’s definitely possible to rebuild a relationship. I’ve seen it time and time again.
Problem is I cant trust them and that makes me uneasy. With him out of my life I have nothing to worry about. Relationship is hard to repair. Kids make you stay to try to make things work, but you lose yourself.
If the person doesn't do the SOS work, it's time to leave. You hope if your partner is unhappy, they would turn around and grab your hand and tell you it's time for a therapist. It's selfish to not try to fix the relationship prior to seeking your own needs.
My ex cheated on me TWICE because he was unhappy.. he was the one who always preached about how communication is so important it’s the most important thing, but then he wouldn’t communicate with me and would turn to other random women online instead... clearly he needs to take his own goddamn advice. I might’ve not been the best at communicating but I would NEVER turn to someone else just because I’m unhappy. It’s not that hard to talk to your partner man it just really isn’t!!
@@panchorodriguez7246 may i ask .. if your relationship was so strong , what led to you cheating ? you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to just genuinely curious : my man cheated and here debating what to do
I can see a lot of people are really confronted by the idea of staying. But if you can talk through events like this and have honest conversations, that can be the foundation of a very strong relationship between two people building a life together.
I’ve found that this can only work if the cheater is willing to take full responsibility and fundamentally change who they are, which rarely happens. Getting caught doesn’t usually inspire them to change their ways and save the marriage.
Dont eternalise seeking blame on yourself. It will only make you bitter. Like a piece of sand in your tooth. Eventually the hole grows so large that it rots.
@@fredthomson8941 people who don't want or love each other do not get married, they stay in open relationships and change partners all the time. Him and her.
Literally just happened to me. My now ex-girlfriend just told me that we have to break up because she's been cheating on me for two months and her new guy keeps saying he wants a relationship. She wasn't even trying to convince me to stay, she might as well have just said that she prefers him to me.
I left after discovering my husband’s affair. We were separated for 2 1/2 years. He promised he’d learned and grown and would never betray me again and I believed him. We reconciled and 10 months later I found he was still communicating with his...I don’t even know what to call them...”friends.” 🙄 That was 2 years ago. We’re still together but I’m afraid I am broken beyond repair. My body is here but my spirit is crushed. It’s hard to walk away after 32 years of marriage but staying after such betrayal has left me empty.
Sorry to hear this. Empty is exactly the word for the way I’ve felt since my wife betrayed me twice in the last 6 years of our marriage. I’ve lost the motivation and enthusiasm I used to have, and I’ve lost interest in so many things. We’re now permanently separated and going through the divorce process. I know I’m better off for having left, but the damage has already been done. I’m skeptical of advice that advocates for reconciliation.
My husband and I have a pact. If either one of us cheats, we do so KNOWING that we're choosing to end the relationship. There's no going back. To us, it's the ultimate.
This is how it should be. Using Jay Z and Beyonce as an example for "normal" people to pretend they're even remotely similar is at best a massive reach and at worst a shaming tactic against those who rightfully leave after being cheated on.
If I had to spend my time having my husband followed, accessing his phone without his knowledge and looking for proof that he his cheating; I wouldn't waste the time or money because its obvious to me there is no relationship.
A marriage only ever survives DESPITE an affair not BECAUSE of it. 12 years later my marriage survives. My wife even loves me again. But i never got the answers to my questions and my wife has NEVER said 'I am glad i no longer see him and chose to stay with you'. She loved him too so we both know it would be a lie. I suppose i have to respect that honesty however much it hurts. My wifes affair was painful and irreversible. It has caused mental AND physical damage. Fortunately I no longer think about it everyday and even when i do its fleeting but its taken more than a decade to get to here. I dont see anything positive about it at all apart from its taught me that only being ACTIVELY IN LOVE can protect against an affair. Just love and respect born of time is not enough. Once the 'honeymoon' is over, no marriage is 100% affair proof.
I don’t think there is a wrong or right answer/ decision. Only through it. Always focus on the choices that hold yourself in high esteem as the love of your life. Everything will fall into place. Working through a relationship trauma is extremely difficult especially when it is not as of high importance to your partner as it is to you. Even harder with trauma triggers and terrible communication. I don’t know if I agree with this lady 100%. She comes from the POV of trying to work the relationship out. Sometimes what’s best is to walk away. When that moment happens depends on where the connection falls on the relationship meter. Sometimes leaving is only temporary so both people can settle their mind and emotions to ground themselves. There is an infinite number of possibilities. Be honest of what that is for you. That’s what I’ve learned on my life’s journey.
Amazing speech. I chose to let my husband go. He could never and will never admit he cheated, nor will he apologize for what he has done to our family. He was unwilling to be transparent as well. Instead he blames me for leaving him. He is now alone and blames me for his misery. In some circumstances it's best just to let go. I couldn't live with the thought of "could it happen again?"
You were brave to leave sister, I applaud you for making that painful and scary jump. I was cheated on as well and I, at first, in my pain, was delusional that I could fix the relationship, it was already broken beyond repair and now I was broken as well along with my trust. I agree in certain RARE circumstances, doing the work can fix the relationship, that is the great, great minority..i worry this video may give false hope to heartbroken people and encourage them to endure more abuse, that’s my concern. If the person cheating realizes the person will stay, usually they feel they have a free pass of forgiveness in the future for their abusive patterns and major f-ups. Leaving takes major courage, I at first was too scared and too weak to let him go, until I came to the realization that infidelity is abuse, It scarred me emotionally, it effected my self esteem, it caused me to become afraid, infidelity has all the hallmarks of abuse. I left I don’t regret it and I am so proud of myself for mustering the courage to leave. Forgiveness is hard and people reach it at their own time..society pushes people to forgive but that’s a process that takes time and is different in length for each individual, we must as a society stop pushing people towards forgiveness because we are tired of seeing people in pain. They will get there, it’s a natural process, the biggest roadblock is resentment, anger is natural, resentment becomes a road block, sorry for my little forgiveness tangent. Keep your head high sister Hugs
It's a crushing feeling to know you've been betrayed, everything crumbles. I wish everyone going through it finds the strength to overcome it and heal.
Thank you. I’ve only ever felt this kind of pain before when my loved ones passed. It’s like grieving the loss of a person you thought you knew. They were capable of things you never thought they would do. They have kept so many things from me. So many lies. I don’t think I can ever trust again. Maybe just not for a long time.
Thank you for saying this really.
I don't know how I will get past this. I cry often.
Soul crushing..
@@heavenly981🙏
For me the hardest hurdle is getting the images out of my mind. Seeing her and knowing someone else has seen her in a way only I should. I'm just repulsed.
Update: Left her, found someone better, and now I'm happily married with our first child on the way. The ex cheating on me was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Thanks for watching Mike, and for bravely sharing your story. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
@@OaK-_R Hi Mike, I don't know what part of the world you live in, but I hope there are counsellors that you could speak to, to process your pain and frustration. The community on this page are also really helpful, to know you're not the only one going through such hurt.
@@briannawhyte2872 Thanks Brianna, for watching and for that comment. Who is the song by?
@@lucyberesford3472 By Lesley Gore
I agree 100 % sorry and I feel your pain as I am also experiencing it :(
Sometimes it takes courage to leave too.
Just wonderful, I've been looking for "repairing marriage after affair" for a while now, and I think this has helped. Have you heard people talk about - Qenamilla Strayer Magnet - (do a google search ) ? Ive heard some super things about it and my friend got cool results with it.
You’re right. I think it takes MORE courage to walk away and face the unknown on your own, than to be complacent and stay. It was for me.
a lot!
Exactly
I agree, staying hooked to the love, affection, nice feelings is a form of bad addiction, with a mix of doubt and anger towards the other person, staying always leads to more destruction in the future, leaving means a fresh start, a lesson, and a new view to the world.
The hardest part for me is knowing my man touched another woman and was touched by her. Looking into his eyes knowing those eyes gazed upon her body during intimacy. It's a matter of contamination; his body was mine, and now it will never feel completely mine again and her touch will still be there. It can't be undone or unknown.
Sandra Culter i felt this 💔😭
@@tracyaohikeni-prakash1564 💗🙏
i fully agree. it’s something you can’t get over like that. your partner sharing their body with someone else and doing the things they do with you to them poisons the heart.
My husband cheats & I'm leaving. I'm a Christian so I'm praying & putting my trust in jesus!💖
@@addyrose Blessings to you for peace. I don't know if I could have stayed. Your love kept you going somehow. That kind of betrayal would shut me down. If we stayed together we would have to live separate lives. Bless your beautiful heart and soul. 🙏
Anyone going through this I just want you to know you are loved and you deserve better. Most people who cheat do it for issues within their own heart & mind. You are worthy of love and trust. I hope you heal this year.
thank you ❤
No... You aren't. That's an empty platitude. We are ALWAYS alone.
@@DiogenesDworkinson Diogenes, I must mention that you’ve always been perfectly loved… by the One in Whose image we were made. Jesus- He didn’t want heaven w/o us. So He bought us back and signed the purchase in His blood. That’s a strong love + that covenant is real.
“If u walk thru a storm, keep yer head up high, And don’t be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of the lark.
Walk on thru the wind, walk on thru the rain, tho your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on w/hope in yer heart and you’ll never walk alone.
You’ll never walk alone.” (Carousel)
@@striderm8389 You ever meet magic sky daddy? How about the tooth fairy? We are alone. Period.
Thank you 😔
It takes more courage to leave. Leave everything you know, everything you planned together and wanted so badly. Leave comfortability and be alone because it’s what’s best for you in the long run.
Word.
Actually it's not about courage. It's challenging to both leave or stay. Some people would find it easier to leave, because healing and staying may consume more energy.
*You should forgive a cheater and move on with your life. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay. Cheaters don't have the integrity, honesty, guts or mental toughness to end a relationship before getting involved with someone else. Confronting a cheater upset or frustrated is meaningless, it's laughing material and a ego stroke to them. They're not worth your time or energy because they have to lie and mislead. If a cheater is caught they have to 'pretend' to have remorse or be sorry for their actions; some will put on displays so believable that they should be nominated for an Oscar. Ghost cheaters, go no contact and live life looking forward to the great days ahead!*
Trust and loyalty is important in any relationship, I realise I wasn't being paranoid or crazy and most times it's better to go with your instincts. Thanks for keeping to the confidentiality agreement CYBERLOGICS_ very reliable and professional
@@standground8284 bravo
everyone is so quick to judge or say what they would do in this situation till it happens to them....
Thanks for watching K, I reckon you're spot on!
True
Unless your mind and heart already knows the only thing you can do......!
People have affairs because they are emotionally underdeveloped , they haven't grown up yet and they are unlikely to ever grow up . So you have to ask the question , do you want to live with a person who is emotionally a child ? .
Exactly
3 years later and I can say with absolute confidence that I really regret letting this video affect my decision when it happened to me. Cheers to you if it actually helped you out but all it did for me was give my ex the go ahead to continue to manipulate and abuse me instead of putting a stop to it
oh wow, I am so sorry to hear that.
This is the dumbest Ted talk I have ever listened. Seems like she was also a cheater and was "forgiven".
I’m scared that’s happening to me :(
I was thinking the same thing would happen to me if I take this ted talk to heart. Sorry you went through that, and thank you for sharing this particular perspective.
Yep, this woman lost me completely when I heard that, I'm not listening to the rest of it. Sure, some people can 'work' there way back to some sort of relationship but that trust, once it's gone, it's not coming back in a hurry, if at all.
On our 20th anniversary, while 9 months pregnant with our 5th child, I found out about the affair. Honestly never known a bigger betrayal story than my own. It's 10 years later now, and I'm just now finally healing. Our divorce is finalized TODAY.
I have had 5 children with my fiancee over the past 10 years and am a year into my trauma after discovering her multiple layers of betrayal while we battled through several miscarriages after our 2nd child
For me it was 3 months to the day before our 21st anniversary. 😭
Trust and loyalty is important in any relationship, I realise I wasn't being paranoid or crazy and most times it's better to go with your instincts. Thanks for keeping to the confidentiality agreement CYBERLOGICS_ very reliable and professional
10yrs and my wife just cheated as well. Just found out 2 weeks ago. Struggling with conflict
Imagine finding out your spouse is cheating while you’re 9 months pregnant & they’ve ended up giving you an std.. this happened to me yesterday & i don’t know what to do from here. We have a 2 year old together 😔 .
Even if you do decide to stay... I think you should leave first to heal.
Most proly right there
Thanks for watching - that's an interesting perspective.
I think that's what is needed in my situation , I'm gonna marinate on that
@@sugamama9444 I urge you to take time to heal first before you make a decision to leave the marriage. If your husband is repentant and willing to make long lasting changes, I always believe its worth staying. I will pray for you and wish you the best.
@@johnmagee3292 thank you for your words. He wants his marriage and family, but refuses to tell what happened, only that it happened. I can't get past the need to know
Not my first time being cheated on, but the last person on earth I ever would of thought to cheat on me did. Why can't people just be honest and loyal? Selfishness... Just know for everyone else who had just been cheated on that it will get better with time. That you deserve to be happy and the right person will show up one day and be a part of your life forever. Just hang in there and have a positive attitude. It wasn't your fault for what they did. Sending peace and love your way. You're not alone.
Trust and loyalty is important in any relationship, I realise I wasn't being paranoid or crazy and most times it's better to go with your instincts. Thanks for keeping to the confidentiality agreement CYBERLOGICS_ very reliable and professional
God is forgiving and he is merciful , we can be doing goodness by acting like him and forgive the sins
@@harryjefferson4463who?
Took me 3 years to feel myself again. I’m glad I divorced him. My neighbor said my life started to blossom like a flower after he moved out. I hadn’t even realized I was w/an emotionally abusive + controlling narcissist. This Ted talk- don’t let it confuse you. It’s been 30 years now. Children grown.. I’m happy, single, + better off. Jesus stepped in to help me, + He’s still my Comfort + my Song.
Its not about loyalty its about honesty. I feel bad that people who have cheat feel guilty and shame they carried . I would Leave i know it trust is trust it not quitting, its evolving trust that you have made a pact to yourself and god. If people cant be honest with themselves in relationship what makes people they can be honest by themselves alone. Its okay to forgive no perfect. And marriage is not end all be all.
I was with my ex wife for 14 years. The moment I found out she cheated on me. I left her! POINT BLANK!! Her sisters were involved in encouraging it and covering it up. Never disrespect me & I deserve better 👍
Dear Mike, what an awful situation, thanks for bravely sharing and I'm sorry you went through such hurt.
My relationship was 14 as well. She cheated but tried to lead me along under the disguise of “separating to find herself” I found out there was someone else. Although I didn’t find out all the details in my mind the trust was gone. She lied about her huge financial debt/spending five years prior to our current situation. She lied to me for three years about her debt as we had a plan to pay ofc our bills and purchase a house. Because of this past money betrayal I realize now after this infidelity that she is just a pathological liar. I’ve filed for divorce because you can’t rebuild a marriage when the other cant be honest.
Good for you man. At least you have a spine and you aren't a coward. That's character.
Now thats courage. Good thing you did
It is important to avoid making generalizations about any specific group of individuals based on their race or gender. The behavior of pursuing someone who is not interested in a romantic relationship is not limited to any particular racial or ethnic group, and it can be exhibited by individuals of any background.
Attraction and romantic interests are complex, and they vary from person to person. People are drawn to different qualities, personalities, and connections. It is not uncommon for someone to develop feelings for someone who does not reciprocate those feelings. This can happen regardless of race or gender.
It is also essential to note that love and attraction cannot be forced. It is not healthy or respectful to try to coerce or manipulate someone into loving or being interested in a relationship with you if they do not feel the same way. Each individual has the right to choose their romantic partners based on their own preferences and feelings.
It is crucial for individuals to focus on developing healthy and respectful relationships based on mutual understanding, consent, and shared interests. Communication and acceptance of each other's boundaries are key components of any healthy romantic pursuit.
Infidelity kills a relationship because betrayal destroys trust..There can be no relationship once trust is gone..Betrayal of someone who loves you is not just a mistake. A mistake is when you get off on the wrong stop on the bus. A mistake is when you serve the wrong fork with the salad. Betrayal is a murderous offence against the relationship and one's partner.
Thanks for watching Robert, and for taking the time to comment.
Absolutely Robert. The worst is when the cheater is adamant about fidelity and faithfulness, but ends up being a serial cheater living a double life.
ITS A CHOICE not a Mistake!
robert traverso amen
robert traverso TRUE WORDS👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 After trying to stay and make it work with my husband for four years I was struggling so badly that I was just a shadow - I wasn’t even able to live my life. I don’t know what the future holds now, but I am gaining my courage and strength to move on without him. Last week he told me he hasn’t ever even loved me romantically so that’s sort of the straw that breaks the camel’s back huh?😔
From someone who just came out of a relationship who was cheated on and betrayed, I just do not understand how trying to make it work makes you courageous. Although I did try to make it work for a year I felt my self esteem drop more than I ever felt courageous. I think this might only work in a very specific scenario. I think in most situations, a relationship could not work if infidelity occurs.
The thanks for watching Daniela. I'm sorry you had to go through that pain. Sounds like you did the right thing for you in the end.
Do not eternalise and blame yourself fir what you could have done differently. Will only make you bitter.
Exactly...it takes a lot of courage to leave someone you loved but now cannot trust.
@@meganthebritishcatmommy ex refused to sit side by side or in front seat of car together. Wanted to watch my ryes to sre if i watched others. That way wpuld be easy to blame me guilty or not.
She nevet learned to drive so often felt like chauffer than husband
A relationship can never be the same after a cheating scandal. There will always be arguments about what happened, the partner’s trust will be ruined forever leading to constant confrontation and the need for reassurance but nothing will be enough to make them trust you again. It’s just not worth it
Best comment have seen on the internet!
I agree 💯%!
Yup. Tell them to kick rocks.
Correct 💯! Which is why it is very very very hard to stay in a relationship after a betrayal. It doesn’t work. I tried but nothing was ever the same. I never loved him the same. Never looked at him the same. Never felt the same. It was completely worthless trying to work it out. He didnt really care and I was putting all the work in, depleting my energy, and dying inside.
BELEIVE me god is forgiving and merciful and we can be them Same too
I use to think I'd never take someone back. But after it happened to me, I understood how someone could. As much you are hurt, you also miss them immensely. Granted I think it was the person and the relationship before they cheated you actually miss. It was still really tempted with how much I missed them.
I felt the same way. It’s hard to accept that the person you’ve trusted and known so long no longer exists. Leaving is really the harder option.
I must be inhumane! All I see is the affair....the past is meaningless...now I'm not sure if the past was a lie all along!
Yes that is true you really end up missing the person they made themselves to be before they started talking to the other women and betraying you. They were trying to create a different image for you the whole time
If you get abused and you forgave it means you you didn’t forgive our for nothing , you acknowledge that he was sorry and you are watching that he is behaving better so that what you look for when you forgive somebody so the total out come will work, but once it happened again it’s a repeated sin intentionally after being forgiven and given another chance so yes then you can’t go back . At the end God is forgiving and we can be like him too he is merciful
did things work out? idk what to do
The relationship died after betrayal and we parted our ways.I couldn’t look at him again the same way and it was better to leave. And I chose to leave him. It is hard to end 26 years but worth it.
Cheating is cheating, but a one night stand is not the same as a two year relationship. After that kind of betrayal there is nothing left to rebuild.
Thanks for sharing John, you raise an interesting perspective.
Emotional investment is a twisting of a knife in your back.
EXACTLY 💯
Exactly John!!
definitely
I was surely disappointed by this talk.
I had a boyfriend for 3 years, where he cheated on me several times along the way.
Every time I found out, I tried to forgive but my feelings for him started going cold.
The last time it happened, I could only feel indifference towards him.
He said something I can’t get out of my head till today “Stop the drama. It happened before, you shouldn’t be surprised.” - true or not, this is the speaking of someone who had no respect for me.
Wow…that hurts me just reading that.
@@Justin-fq3zh All cheaters feel this way towards the person they cheat on, people just refuse to accept the cold hard reality of it.
THIS! Nobody can tell me otherwise @@standground7956
Mine also said the same thing...when he literally begged me in the first time for it.
thank you for sharing your story . I pray for your healing ,.
My ex cheated on me, and when I found out, I was so devastated but I decided to forgive him and work things out between us because he told me he still loves me, and I know at that time I loved him too so I forgave him and talked things out with him with what went wrong and etc, he said he would do anything to make it up to me and I did my best to not accidentally guilt trip him when I know he is making the effort....
couple of months later, he told me he wanted to take a break in the relationship stating he wants to focus on his studies and finding himself.
Then I just realize, he is just another all talk and no actions, he failed to take ownership of his actions, in his last text, he even justified his cheating.
Honestly, I broke up with him and am moving on (I’m still in the healing process because I once loved him very much)
It sucks to get cheated on, the toxic questions you keep asking yourself like “why did he cheat on me, am I not good enough, did I do something “???..... it’s heartbreaking
Please don’t cheat on your partner, think of how you would make them feel
The comments are very sad...
To those who chose to stay, as long as you feel loved and you genuinely feel that the relationship grew stronger after infidelity, don't be swayed by society's very harsh judgement on the issue. Congratulations for trying to fix what was broken instead of throwing it away.
To those who chose to end the relationship, if you feel that it's for the best, then so be it.
Thank you. As long as there is a commitment and love from both parties to save the marriage, then I feel it is worth the effort. Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past.
It's very much worth it. Infidelity isn't the only form of betrayal by any means. As long as the 2 of you are committed to working through it and you love each other, then its worth it. Problem is that people don't wanna put in the work. But had they put in the work before the cheating started, then maybe or possibly, the cheating would not have started. Men and women both cheat. But it's a matter of finding out why and being able to hear the reasons from each person
Biased comment
@@ultimate7719 ok. what about the wife or husband that gets cheated on even though the relationship was really good prior to the affair? what excuse does the cheater have then?
@@jarchhhhbeautiful comment
I couldn’t fix things with them. I can’t live the rest of my life worrying, is he going to do it again? That’s such a hellish mind space to be in.
That's so true!
I always thought I’d leave, until it happened to me. I’m trying to be courageous, I’m trying to be strong. Its so painful and so devastating when it happens to you. It’ll be the hardest thing I ever go through, but if we can rebuild it will be the best decision I ever made to stay.
I feel so much resentment while I’m trying to forgive her. I know I don’t deserve the way she has been treating me
@@frankgeary7574 It might be time for you to cut your losses & end things. From this comment, she doesn’t seem remorseful about how she hurt you. There seems to be a lack of empathy on her end. Time to rethink if this is what you really want in a partner. You can forgive her & still choose not be with her anymore. You can still care about her & choose to break up with her.
@@sds6303 interesting you were able to gather so much from a sentence. The word resentment is really strong. But yes I do feel so resentful
Also cheated on here and I wanna stay in our marriage because I love him. But omg it hurts! It's so freakin bad. The hurt sent my into depression and anxiety. I probably will never trust him anymore.
@@Bumbledora it’s really hard and I have gone through depression and anxiety as well
Betrayed? Spend your energy on You! Walk away and pour your love into yourself and let go of the pain that ripped your life apart! Walk away and be happy in your own time and on your own terms!! You don’t have to stay and accept the left over bread crumbs of the betrayer!
The comment I wad scrolling down to see. 🤗🤗🤗😘
Infidelity? Just leave. I just found that my "wife" still wants to be a friend of his exlover. She didn't want to leave contact even after 3 years of therapy. I just left her minutes ago. It was the right thing.
HOURS ago?!
Im deeply sorry this happened to you. My husband had a 7 month long affair this yr and im holding on for dear life. Today i felt different....i felt so defeated and now im thinking i need to walk away. Best of luck in your future and i pray for your healing.
Not always. I was unfaithful to my wife, but we are still together after 23 years.
I had the same. She was chceating for 2y. She said it would be the best if I disappear from her live. There were come backs as well (He is married). I was divorcing him in fact course he was given her support. She is his who..e. One of many in his XXI century "harem".
kbanghart why did you do it?
I think it take courage to do both. It has been so hard dealing with an infidelity in my own marriage but I do have to say once we both processed and decided to work on things, it has made us better. We are more open than we have ever been, there are childhood traumas we both had to work on too. There is no easy way, it takes a lot of work, I think you will know in your heart if the relationship is worth saving.
I think this is one of the best comments. Your right on target. Only the two of you know. If you see true remorse, a real will to change, or a lack of it you should know if its worth moving forward or not. These videos are super helpful and a blessing but it comes down to the couple looking in each other's eyes.
I agree. We are scheduled for counseling soon. My husband is a serial cheater. 😢
@@The_Mim Why would you stay? Do you prefer being abused emotionally? That's what cheating is. You're only staying because you don't want to let go.
If the therapy sessions start making you feel like you are at fault and the cheater is the victim. You could be dealing with a narcissist or a toxic individual. Serial cheating is NOT PART of a healthy relationship. You're probably addicted to the lows and the highs. Cut yourself off if that's the case.
@@mrtwister9002 oh he's already a narcissist. He gaslights and blame shifts all the time. I'm not going to marriage counseling just for that reason.
God is forgiving and we merciful so we can be too
I've known 1 couple that the husband cheated. She was my best friend so she moved in with me for a bit. They ended up getting back together and he realized what he was losing... They've had the best relationship ever since. Now I'm not as forgiving...It can work but I think the one that was deceitful has to be completely transparent with everything until they can build that trust again.
Are they still happy? Was it an affair or a one night stand
I am curious as well if they are still together
can u give an update please
He became a much better at hiding the cheating, I witness men I work with spouses brag about how great the relationship is after infidelity, not realizing that he’s still cheating. It’s sad and somewhat pathetic. If there was an agreement that cheating would not be tolerated then you should end the relationship regardless of love or length of the relationship. If you can’t keep your word then what’s the point of making promises. Divorcing/dumping someone you truly takes courage and you’ll be respected for keeping your word. If you don’t follow through then they’ll never respect you for being so weak and they’ll likely continue to cheat and do a better job concealing it. Cheaters only thrive because there are no consequences if you don’t leave them.
Cheated once, shame on you,
Cheated twice, shame on me.
Also means maybe you had something missing that made someone cheat. Don't @ me it is true.
@@Brittany-c7h Also means maybe you had someone who will cheat when they don't get what they want. Don't @ me it is true.
@kaze-xo Nope I cheated shows how much you know. I am telling you you were lacking something they needed. True story. My husband is faithful because I shower him with love.
@kaze-xo I don't think I meant that comment at you, but from the other side people cheat for many reasons. Not being mean, it is true. Lack of communication causes things to fall apart. I just wish people could communicate and try in their marriages. Not saying everyone did something wrong. I am saying the cheated on not to be mean maybe made a simple mistake like in my case. Disrespect or lack of trying can be two causes. It is all very sad.
*Cheat once, shame on you.*
*Saying in the relationship after discovery, shame on me.*
I've learned in life not to say what I would or wouldn't do - I've eaten a few words!! That said, for me and the infidelity I experienced in my marriage, the trust is never the same. I had to "go" and while I'm lonely at times, I have peace of mind and a calm in my life I wouldn't trade for a relationship.
Thanks for watching and sharing your story. Sorry to hear what you had to go through but it sound like you're in a better place now. Hope others are inspired by you.
Yes, it feels good not to worry about a cheating spouse.
Everyone is so quick to say “just leave them…no way is it worth it to stay”. Believe me, I said the same thing before. In fact I said I’d kill my spouse if it ever happened. However, once you see the person that you truly love genuinely agonize, show extreme remorse, and want to ferociously fight to restore and grow the relationship you realize that a much greater love than before can develop and you can actually build something far stronger than most have….well, you might see the value in not letting it all go. Yes, the devastation and deceit can never be undone and probably not forgotten but there can be a great path ahead that doesn’t involve throwing everything away that you love. Forgiveness in times like these is quite powerful.
yes i know. 20th years married.. and found out 3 months ago.. it's NOT easy to say and NOT easy to leave either.. I know God got this and I am praying for my husband's salvation,
@ sorry bro u just don't have a spine lmao
Sounds like a whole bunch of complacency to muah
thank
I needed this!
The word affair doesn't come close to the realization of what took place. The special moments you had (seeing you sleeping, discussions and moments when it was just the two of you in the whole world) are no longer special. They now belong to another. The level of deception is cruel.
Stay? Well.. Don't let the same dog bite you twice. Just sayin'
I some situations, I think you're right. Thanks very much for watching Dee Dee
I think that 2nd chances aren’t to many anything after that. I think it’s time to let go
Wow!
Amazing. Thank you.
Awesome
@@lucyberesford3472 where did you get that dress????your style is everything .
5 years in a relationship and 1 year being cheated on without knowing. I thought that she was the one - the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It just hurts man. I don't even know how to describe it
3 years for me.... We have a toddler and a newborn and this all happened while I was pregnant with our second baby and he was "working overtime" and "training."
@@samc8249Same. Im sorry you are going through that while caring for your babies. You're beautiful and strong you got this!
@@samc8249 I'm going through the same thing. I just gave birth to our second child. How are you now? Are you still with him?
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry. I feel your pain
Narcissistic infidelity differs from "normal cheating", because a narcissist feels no shame or remorse for what they've committed! In fact, they convince themselves it's your fault, and actually lead the new partner to believe they're a victim of you. A narcissist will talk about marriage and having kids with you, while sleeping with another person. They'll give you the silent treatment and punish you, trying to make you feel bad for their own bad behavior. Survivors often wonder "why wasn't I good enough?" or "why is the new partner better than me?" because the narcissist will shamelessly wave this person in your face and parade the new target around on social media. Every second you spend comparing yourself to this person will erode your self-worth and fill you with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. How did they replace you so quickly, immediately making all the same promises to another person? The answer is simple: Cluster-B disorders all stem from the inability to attach. They never attached to you, which is why they try to intensely manufacture all the normal feelings of love and bonding, and it's also why they are able to detach and do the same thing to someone else in one day. Because they never successfully attached to you, despite all of their sweeping words. Sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of attaching to other human beings, so they hone all of these other skills like seduction, flattery, mirroring-all in an attempt to mimic what they see other people doing: loving each other. The problem is, they see "love" as receiving constant attention and adoration. This is what they give to you, and this is what they want to receive in return. The NY Times describes it this way. "Narcissistic alexithymia: The inability to understand or describe the emotions in the self. Unable to know themselves, sufferers are unable to understand, relate or attach to others. To prove their own existence, they hunger for endless attention from outside." Narcissistic "supply" is really just a distraction from this condition. When you fail to relieve this (because no external factor can), you are punished and replaced. No matter how caring and kind you were, they still don't feel good, and their disorder convinces them that a new partner will be the magical fix to everything. This is when you get "split" as the crazy bad person so they can justify their sudden change of heart. Even though they blame you, I hope you can see that this process has literally nothing to do with you. You can follow their new relationship, hope it fails, analyze yourself, analyze them, try to be more perfect, prove yourself, figure out whose fault it was, etc. All you're doing is hurting yourself. Turn your focus from external to internal. What do you feel? Inadequacy? Shame? Rejection? Betrayal? These are your feelings, and those are what matter. You need to work with these feelings, understand them, and learn to offer yourself the comfort and love needed to heal them. Otherwise you're just left with an unresolved mess of pain from an impossible situation, and a frightened heart that believes it's at fault. Left untended, it'll eventually just fade into a numb obscurity. Work with this pain, understand it, talk with it, communicate with your body. This is the most important thing you can do. Every time you're tempted to check on them, ask yourself what you're feeling. A void? Emptiness? Loneliness? Resentment? Numbness? These issues cannot be resolved through searching externally. Yes, they were created by an external factor, but it's your wound now, whether you want it or not. You are the only person who can decide to nurture these wounds and build a loving relationship with your emotions. Additionally, You can remotely spy on your narc partner without leaving any evidence or traces and you’ll be getting their text from their phone to your phone. This can only be accomplished by hiring a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com who can help you hack into their device and uncover whatever they are hiding from you.
No matter what, don't cheat. There's no point of going on creating trauma in people's lives.
Cheating is many different things, not just contact
@@josephercastor8026 exactly
@@josephercastor8026 If lying to yourself helps you sleep at night then have at it. If there was an agreement that cheating would not be tolerated then you should end the relationship regardless of love or length of the relationship. If you can’t keep your word then what’s the point of making promises. Divorcing/dumping someone you truly takes courage and you’ll be respected for keeping your word. If you don’t follow through then they’ll never respect you for being so weak and they’ll likely continue to cheat and do a better job concealing it. Cheaters only thrive because there are no consequences if you don’t leave them.
I fell for this clap trap!! And here I am 4 years later absolutely destitute and in therapy, only now courageous enough to leave now I have lost absolutely everything… Please love and respect yourselves enough to put YOU first, I wish with every broken fibre of my being that I had.
Happened to me and we reconciled BUT it's never the same. There is always doubt and visions of what may or may not have happened in the bedroom. A multitude of emotions that do not ever go away even after 20 years, so no leave and heal and move on.
Thanks v much for watching George, I'm sorry you had to go through that experience, but it's good you sound like you are in a much better place now.
i really do believe we have a choice!
Agreed
Yes..... so much anxiety while trying to get passed it and sometimes at the back of your mind, you know it will happen again.
After my wife admitted sleeping with my friend and blaming me for it I immediately told her that I forgave and still loved her. I then left her after she continued to lie and defend him. I was actually crushed more than I had ever experienced. I have used these videos to help me move on. I still struggle every day though its getting better.
Should've left in the first moment you got to know about it
I feel you bro, make yourself busy find some diverstion like going out do some activity. Sooner you will be back on track
been through this too. it really hurts
I would honestly thank them both. It’s not often that you have the opportunity to completely cut ties with two corrupt individuals at the same time. I’d say you lucked out.
@@SaeedKhan-pm7jn I did.
A month ago I found out that my wife of 22 years was having an affair for the last four and half years. My heart has been shattered to pieces. We have five children ages 8 to 18. The idea of my children having to suffer a broken home also breaks my heart. I chose to stay.
I had an epiphany a few days after I discovered the infidelity. I didn't sleep that night. I found pictures of my wife that seemed only to confirm the infidelity. But I also found thousands of other pictures - pictures of her and the children. I noticed that I was in a very small percentage of these pictures. I had to ask myself 'why was I not there.' Then I realized that I chose not to be there. I had allowed resentment to poison my marriage long before my wife stepped out.
My taking responsibility for my shortcomings does not excuse my wife's behavior. What she did was wrong, hurtful, and selfish. I sense that she is genuinely remorseful and wants to repair the damage that her actions have brought. Her actions of late confirm this.
A month later - my trust in her is still at its lowest. I expect that this going to take a lot of time and building to find a place of security again.
But today I am giving my wife the husband that she has longed for. I am attentive, concerned, and present. I have renewed my determination to have a health, happy marriage. I have chosen to be vulnerable in the hopes that we can have something better than before.
If she should ever stray again then I know that the problem was never me.
I’m around the same boat brother, I have a girlfriend that we share two beautiful twin girls. Though out most of our relationship I’ve been texting/sexting other girls thinking it was okay because no physical intimacy was made. She found out in 2021 and may 2023. Last week I went through her phone and found all the messages with a 2 day fling she had with some dr at a work conference. I spiraled out of control and lashed out in all the worst ways possible. All I can feel is that I lead her into this moment. She’s asked me for a more communicative relationship. And I never bothered to try I’m just a very emotionally closed off person. I’ve started to smoke weed and it has helped me to open up so much more, I’m starting to journal to remember all the emotions I have and take our relationships to the next deeper level
Thanks for your comment
Why did you text sexting as you worded it... and thought that was okay?
At that moment there was something in your relationship that needed some tlc. Because you were not happy...
How is this your fault? Was she always the wife YOU deserved? It's sickening to see people fall apart and believe their mistakes are a REASON why anyone would do that. There is never a good reason for it. Things not working out? Try therapy or intervention maybe? or separate - but women have this innate ability to show how your imperfections led them to wrong you and that's why it's ultimately your fault. Screw that.
Not being the best husband can happen, just like not being the best wife always. While it takes work, notice that the infidelity portion is the only one God lists as a complete sin and the ONLY reason He gives to end a marriage. No Sir, stand your ground. She made the decision to do wrong. I applaud you though, for sticking around knowing the knife is twisting in your gut. There's nothing like it. Men seriously don't get credit for they live through. I understand fully doing it for the sake of offspring. That's the trap.
My dad used to say that women only want what they have until something "seemingly" better comes along. The "better" is the guy that usually offers the shoulder to cry on and agrees with everything they say and bide their time until they get emotional feedback and eventually get physical. It's literally so easy to get most married women to sleep with you. They are so gullible. There's men that do it for sport. It's easy to be the one that says yes all the time, while not raising the kids, worrying about work, having none of the daily marital day to day issues.
On average women tend to cheat starting at about 4 years into the marriage. It's believed that about 20+% children are being raised by men who are not even their father. It's sick.
@@jofrejkd My synopsis does not give unnecessary details. So do not presume upon my perspective.
While there are all kinds of women with good and bad qualities in varying degrees - my wife's infidelity is hers to correct. This Ted talk is about repairing a relationship so that both partners can be better than what they were before. It is out of strength and courage that I have chosen do the work to obtain that goal.
However, to each his own. Some may choose a similar path forward or some may choose your path and say - "Screw that"
This is backwards.........It takes courage to walk away. The fact is, many people stay because they are "afraid" to disrupt their life. I know from personal experience. For a long time I avoided doing what I knew I should. It was hard to get through it but I came out on the other side in a way better shape. I am now remarried and very happy.
In "general" this is very bad advice, especially for guys, where the physiology is often different from a woman's. You don't get the betrayal out of your head even if you learn to live with it. It's not surprising this advice comes from a woman.
Yes, walking away requires more courage, especially later in life.
Zemli, while I agree with some of your points the physiological statement is outdated.
Zemli Drakona I am in the middle of trying to walk away...staying with family but not fully moved out and giving him a few months of the ‘just needs more time’ that he keeps asking for. But my heart is shattered and my physical (I have a chronic illness which is heavily impacted by stress) and mental health have declined so badly over the last four years...but I didn’t want it to end like this. Leaving will be the HARDEST thing I have EVER DONE and will ever do in my whole life💔🥺
Zemli Drakona so glad to hear that you are happy now - you deserve it!! 💚
Totally agree. I'm a man who was betrayed and lost my day to day contact with my two children. She had no desire to stop. It was a character flaw I can see 40 years later!
The pressure to quit the relationship, external and internal, is a very loud conversation that for some, it never goes away.
That's such a great observation, and it's hard to tune out the internal and external noise.
Absolutely! I am so tired with everyone’s opinions
I'm holding onto hope that his realization and commitment to change are genuine and that we can build a stronger, trust-filled relationship. Despite the challenges, I'm optimistic that his drastic life event has truly prompted a positive transformation in him.
My wife had an affair and I decided to stay. I don't think unfaithful spouses will ever understand the absolute pain and suffering the hurt spouse goes through. Your identity, safety, trust in people, parts of your humanity, and ability to truly love are destroyed. Maybe, not until the unfaithful goes through the exact same pain will they understand or even begin to relate. I now find myself putting up a defensive wall for my heart just to protect myself from her. Kind of expecting it to happen again because I can't fully trust right now. All I can do is not micromanage her, but instead focus on me and just let her be. I am forcing myself to trust her again and let her prove her worthiness of my love. Fighting through this process is difficult, but I believe the old marriage has died and this new one may prove stronger.
you are a stronger man than i. i coukdnt take the agony after 6 mos. had to kick her out.
Arturo, no disrespect intended but don't you feel disgusted when you kiss her and know 100% that another man's d**k was in her mouth and that he pounded her balls deep, probably with no protection, and that they 100% said they loved each other. No woman sleeps with men with no feelings. Man, you really are a saint if you can endure this. But I really hope you get out of this toxic relationship and find yourself a loyal woman. you'll have a heart attack if you stay, the constant stress is not worth it, don't waste time.
Arturo .. ask her if you can have an affair
@@kex9814 what if in this case you have a toddler and a newborn? What would you do...
@@samc8249 The child deserves to live in a normal environment, if my woman cheats on me i won't be able to treat her with respect, the feelings will be dead, and i wouldn't want my kid to see how i hate his mom, it can f'up him mentally. So i'd leave even if i have a child. The kid would benefit more in the future if he has a strong, happy and successful father.
got me fcked up thinking I’m going to stay with someone who cheats on me
welcome to my life
Exactly
We were high school sweethearts. Together 11 and a half years, married for 5 and a half of them. He was the only man i'd ever been with. It was so so hard to cut him loose when he had his affair. He was all i'd ever known, we grew up together. But I realized that he had changed and was no longer good for me. Was no longer the 18 year old i fell in love with. But was now a lying, cheating, selfish, manipulative man. I can confidently say I'm much better off - but I still think about him every single day.
One more thing.......people go into a marriage thinking love is the most important thing. Love is maybe #2! Honor is the most important thing. Love will wax and wane. You aren't always feeling it when things aren't going so well. But if you get past the hard parts at least you can work on your relationship and get it back. However, you absolutely need honor and you absolutely need to hold to your commitments . Honor is what carries you through the hard times.
It's not so hard if you have some rules. Of course you will see other people you are attracted to, but you don't need to act on that. I use a rule of no social 1 on 1 time with any other women. If I have business I get it done in a business setting and leave. This does not mean I don't trust myself. It's also for my spouse. It leaves no doubt in her mind where I stand and she never has to worry. This may seem extreme to some people and perhaps it's not for everyone, but it works for me.
Thanks Zemli for watching and sharing your thoughts - really interesting.
Yes Honor is #1 thank you
YES !! you said exactly what I was thinking, HAVE HONOR! . Feelings come and go, but having values and a set of rules to always remind oneself of them and follow them ensures that you will do what's right not what feels good. DOING WHATS RIGHT IS FAR SUPERIOR AND MUCH MORE RESPECTABLE. thank you sir I absolutely wish I could like your comment a million times.
I'd say respect instead of honour Zemli, but I know what you mean.
Life is hard enough without harbouring a traitor in your life. Cheating (especially 2 year long affairs) are the ultimate mark of disrespect and contempt. Granted that you may have been a bad partner also but don't take any blame for infidelity!! That is the most childish and cowardly act. Why then would you reward this with the "courageous" act of rebuilding? Don't reward cowardice with courage, you are worth more than that. Remove them from your life as best you can and grieve the life you THOUGHT you had before. You'll come out stronger.
Thanks for watching Bernie. I enjoyed hearing your perspective. Thanks for sharing here.
Exactly, if you can tip toe around for years you are not in "love". I don't believe in soul mates but i do believe in decency...
she mentions that she was the primary breadwinner in the relationship...the "strong one". It's no wonder the woman ended up cheating..the fact she did it with a co-worker is very telling. Women need men who are strong and providers. If they are pulling most of the weight in the relationship it becomes a turn off to them and they fall for men who will pamper them and make them feel safe.
Bernie Stephens and your wife cheated on you and you dumped her, right?
Dean of DVD Yes mate. She’s cheated on her new partner twice (at least as we know), I’m still in touch with some of her family as we were close. Meanwhile I’ve moved on and met someone else. We respect each other and are very happy. Don’t get me wrong - it’s not easy to leave and can take some planning. But at the end of the day it’s not easy to have your emotions/life raked over the coals again and again in a relationship with broken trust and a gut wrenching feeling that things will never be the same. I know I’d choose the temporary pain of leaving and starting over every time.
The comments here are heartbreaking. I hope that as we move forward there is more support for people to face their demons and insecurities and live a more fulfilling life.
I hope so too. When you’ve been betrayed in the cruelest way possible, you’re stuck with a pain so deep it stays with you. Your quality of life is gone, and you don’t get enjoyment out of life.
no..... trust your gut and leave the relationship if you are not happy. There's plenty of people out there who will treat you right without you needing the "courage" or strength. Don't lower you're standard for someone who didn't consider your feelings with something so clearly hurtful. Follow your gut and don't let anyone elses words lead you to your decision. I wish you the best and remember that there's better for you out there. Don't settle
👍👍👍
Lovely comment ❤️
I feel that if you did not have the character to remain true to the love of your life - you do not deserve the happiness they already tried to give you... Why should someone reinvest into a person that just showed them they are not strong enough to remain in the bounds of trust you had already given them ??? What should had happened is they should have come to their partner & started the work your talking about before stepping out on their partner. There is something wrong with your character if opportunity controls your loyalty... This behavior not having a real consequence is the reason it is thriving. I bet if you knew (Hands Down) you would loose "EVERYTHING" you had gotten from your relationship, it wouldn't be no were near as bad as it is today...
Thanks Adam, that's a really interesting perspective.
I have been up all night trying to figure why am I giving our relationship another chance after a number of one nighters and most recently an affair. Your words just hit home.Thank you
I think trust in a relationship is overrated. When my husband started getting frequent night calls , i would ask and he would just wave off those calls as unimportant. At a time i could take no more of his lies, i decided i deserve to know what was going on. A friend of mine referred me to this great ethical hacking team( Cyberhackingsage@gmail ) who helped clone his cellphone without having to touch the device. My husband was a cheating Narcissist and I’m glad i found out all his secrets and infidelity and how he planned on using this pandemic to get back to me. I got access to his Facebook, iMessage, GPS location , WhatsApp, Call Logs and Text Messages (both deleted and incoming ones) with a remote link to a programmed App on my phone. I’m here in Florida and able to access my husband’s phone even while he was away in Canada cheating on me. Thanks to Cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence for my divorce. If you need help or that little bit of closure, i advice you get in touch with them Via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage@gmail )Or Text and WhatsApp them on +15713758467...thank me later.
Infidelity is the type of betrayal that haunts you. You lose your identity and self control. Whether you choose to stay or go it still takes the strength of a warrior. Sometimes you randomly become moody,emotional, and angry. It's hard to put into words how you truly feel. The thought of another touching your partner in ways you can't imagine hurts, haunts, and destroys the soul. The worst part is that they will never understand how bad they've hurt you.
Oh but they do! As long as they are not a narcissist I do fully believe people eventually are forced to face how they've hurt those in their past
@@stanchance hmm you're on to something there
@@stanchance I think it’s usually a lot easier for the cheater to deny the level of pain and damage they’ve caused. Cheaters don’t usually think of themselves as horrible people, so it’s easier for them to deny that they’ve done something so horrible. Sadly, most would rather shift blame onto their faithful spouses.
@@stanchance My husband has never shed a single tear. I've spent nights screaming and crying. I am literally destroyed. He might not cry until he is served with divorce papers and reads the cause - adultery.
Undergoing same phase
It’s courageous to stay ? ... hmmm well in my experience, getting back with her was stupidity. Not only did she cheat on me again but she married the guy too. Go figure. When someone cheats , leave and never go or look back.
Thanks for watching Andrew and for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Your perspective is very valid.
Doesn't have to be that way for everyone
@@Crunch_Buttsteak Thanks for watching and engaging with the debate.
Leave cut them out of your life.
I had the same experience, it almost drove me to suicide. Have you noticed that it is always woman advocating forgiveness?
I'm currently in that exact situation. 12 year relationship, married and 1 child. My wife cheated on me. I wanted to fix things. We looked at reasons that led to the infidelity. I then asked her to stop the relationship with the other person so we can focus on our couple. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to. I did the right thing, I was courageous! It's really sad.
Wow Maxx-Lennoxx, I'm sorry you had to go through that but you did a great thing, to set your own boundary. Awesome!
Thanks for your kind words Lucy!
You did do the right thing, if she were a stronger person she would have too. It is sad but you should be proud of yourself for trying, it the ultimate sign of maturity.
I'm sorry dude
Well done. That was like adding insult to injury. She has no self respect & secondly, none and absolutely none for you. MGTOW bro.
“To stay and rebuild the relationship” after somebody (your wife or husband) has betrayed your heart and soul? That’s insane!!
This is foolish. I don’t model my life after JZ and Beyoncé!
She gave an example. She didn't model the whole talk on Jay z.
They still human though
😂🤭
So Bey's prize for enduring the pain is to still be married to Jay-Z? And this is supposed to encourage us? SMH
Exactly! There’s probably more business related reasons they “made it work” than love, or relationship…
People are cheating and everywhere it is being encouraged to forgive, stay in the relationship, work it out, look at your partner with a renewed set of eyes. No problem for the cheaters anymore. No remorse for them. New style in this generation now!
Therapeutists care about their income.
The problem with staying is that you are now trying to create a relationship with someone who has absolutely betrayed you and will likely do it again. Couples Therapists take in a fortune selling dyadic couples therapy.
*My partner was cheating on me while we were leaving together for 2 years. Although there were so many some red flag, but she never stopped telling me how much she loved me and want to spend the rest of her life with me. So I kept on believing her lies and shoving the red flags. . Never knowing that she was having an affair with a guy that I know and they both kept it a secret. I got to find out when I open up to a very good business partner. How I have been noticing some red flags and he advised me on what to do and to find out for sure if she is being faithful. It was then that I realized that she was having an affair with this guy and they were secretly making future plans.. I was so heart broken by this but still grateful that I did the needful to actually find out. It is really such a painful thing how people plays with ones emotions.*
How did you get to find out?
I employed the help of a professional, who helped me to uncover everything with evidence. Here is his contact no. below
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It would be interesting to see a comparison of the psychological health of those who left an unfaithful partner, with those who decided to stay. It seems to me that being "courageous" means in some way denying the way you are really feeling; and denying your feelings is a bad idea - they're there for a reason, after all.
I have heard countless stories of people saying how glad they were that they left a cheating partner, and precious few saying that they were glad that they stayed.
My gut feeling is that staying will lead to a diminishing of your self-esteem, resentment, and a kind of "half" life - never truly trusting or being at complete ease with your partner again.
@ALEXIS CATALINA Thanks for replying to my message with an advert. That makes me feel so special.
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Isn't funny how the cheatead one has to do so many things to save the relationship, while for the cheater is enough to "feel" remorseful?
Once a guy cheats on you, it’s a matter of time before he does it again. A cheater will always be a cheater. Don’t waste your time in fooling yourself that it’s all been fixed because you forgave him. Next time he’d just try a lot harder not to get caught.
lets fix your sentence a bit, instead of just saying guy, why not say guy/girl, since its a two way street. women cheat just as much as men do.
I’ve cheated before learned my lesson and never did it again in that relationship or any other relationship I’ve had.
Not true.
That isn’t true at all, I cheated on my wife once, was in a bad mind space at the time, we worked through it, started communicating better and now she is the only woman I can’t take my eyes off, I see her in a whole different light now, she is my queen
that's not always so; it may really have been a one-time with someone utterly irresistible...they're out there
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Akunna, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is Father Akunna, he has great powers, he can help you.
I appreciate you providing this important information; I've just checked Father Akunna online, and wow, he's really genuine. Thank you so much again ❤
I watched your video of ending a relationship or staying. I don't believe a more courageous person would stay. I was a married person who decided to leave. I gave up everything I built during my marriage, but I left anyway because of my anger. Leaving was the best choice. Staying is not courageous for most. It's a person who is afraid of what comes next
Thanks for watching Linda, and for having the courage to leave your relationship and face what comes next... as you know, my talk explores both. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I'm sorry you were put in that position. Hope life is good for you now.
@@lucyberesford3472 Yes you did. You also said the more courageous choice is to stay and work it out. You do give a good speechthat makes sense.
@@autumnacker5310 Thanks for watching. I'm so sorry you're still angry. I hope you can find a way to process that, for your own sake and for your children.
@@autumnacker5310 your children know something wrong. They may know why or may not. They will grow up thinking what is happening between the two of you are normal. I don't know about you but I cannot leave that legacy for my children.
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This is a dangerous video for anyone who is going through narcissistic abuse. I can honestly say this video influenced my decision to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship, in which I was cheated on for 2 more years. In some relationships, perhaps, there is true remorse following infidelity. But when there isn't, or when it's all a big lie, this video is the ultimate self-gaslight.
Yes but no. There’s millions of videos on the internet and you have to follow the one you think matches your situation. She never mentioned abuse in any type of form. She talks about people who love each other but one of them folded.
thank u for this❤️
100% if you are dealing with a narc, leave NOW
@@anishaplasencia5899 If lying to yourself helps you sleep at night then have at it. If there was an agreement that cheating would not be tolerated then you should end the relationship regardless of love or length of the relationship. If you can’t keep your word then what’s the point of making promises. Divorcing/dumping someone you truly takes courage and you’ll be respected for keeping your word. If you don’t follow through then they’ll never respect you for being so weak and they’ll likely continue to cheat and do a better job concealing it. Cheaters only thrive because there are no consequences if you don’t leave them.
Continuing a relationship after infidelity is like watering a plant with poisoned water-despite your efforts, the toxicity persists, killing the love that once bloomed.
Infidelity affects people at different stages of a relationship differently. It depends on the circumstances and reaction of the cheating partner. Real remorse, regret and apology for erring against your partner can make it easier to forgive and let go of anger and resentment following betrayal. Some partners justify infidelity and are unrepentant. Those should be left and avoided. Noone is perfect. Holding your spouse to angelic standards is recipe for disappointment.
Thanks very much Mo for watching, and for sharing your thoughts.
This is my current situation. its been 3months and she hasnt done any of the SOS parts Lucy talks about. She is unrepentant and hasnt done anything to help fix our relationship. Its been ALL on me to push for counseling and she has done nothing but changed passwords, closed up her phone and rip me apart with her family backing her.
I just dont see a solution with her anymore. I'm so hurt
Imho it's possible to forgive the repentant cheater but the issue is forgetting what happened and being at peace in the relationship; the negative thoughts will likely eat you up for the rest of your life if you don't find a new love
Nope, whether they are remorseful or not- they cheated. The best result is always ending the relationship. Asking your significant other not to be intimate with another person isn’t asking them to be *perfect* or *angelic*.
Go always go!! No relationship is worth saving after infidelity imo. My self respect is worth saving.
It is just as courageous to stay as it is to leave. Neither one decision is easy to make.
True story and advice. I was married for less than a year. No kids. Wife was unfaithful inside that year. I was clueless. She told me to lesson her emotional load. She sobbed and sobbed and apologized. Looking back, she likely minimized her role and actual misbehaviors. I wrongfully and unwisely decided to stay with her. All seems fine for 11 years and add 3 kids...then I see strange calls on our phone log when she's out of town "visiting her sister" three states away. She was cheating again, this time numerous times with married men and families. And later was shown IN MY OWN HOUSE WHEN I WAS AT WORK AS OUR KIDS WERE LOCKED IN BEDROOMS.
LISTEN: NEVER EVER EVER EVER STAY WITH A CHEATER IF YOU DO NOT HAVE KIDS! If you do have kids, only do so if you really love the spouse and go forward with 100% accountability by no less than 2 outside, trusted parties. It is highly likely they will cheat again even with that.
As a romantic, I was never okay with the hurt. I could never un-visualize it. If you are a romantic-dreamer-creative type like me, with also a logical strength, it may be the hardest thing you ever try to cope with.
Thank you for this. The " never ever ever ever" part really helped. My bf of 3 years has cheated and got caught twice. I forgave him. Twice. And stayed with him 8 more months. Now I have finally broke it off and was tempted again because I guess I'm afraid to be alone? Trying my absolute best to not to call him back. Please Wish me luck. So sorry about what you had to go through.
@@playdearbird please make wise choices with your future. You have no serious ties to him. You deserve 100%.
If there was an agreement that cheating would not be tolerated then you should end the relationship regardless of love or length of the relationship. If you can’t keep your word then what’s the point of making promises. Divorcing/dumping someone you truly takes courage and you’ll be respected for keeping your word. If you don’t follow through then they’ll never respect you for being so weak and they’ll likely continue to cheat and do a better job concealing it. Cheaters only thrive because there are no consequences if you don’t leave them.
No mercy ! it does't hurt you physically but it destroys you mentally. People say to move on but it's not that easy..you can't fix the hole in your heart.
Dunno how people cheat with their partners, i cant even cheat with my shopkeeper with another shopkeeper!!!
If another shopkeeper gives u sex...u wld cheat on him dude..
Metoo
The pain that comes with the first act of infidelity is but a fraction of the complete devastation that is the second betrayal.
Forgiving an unfaithful spouse will be the hardest thing you will ever do. Sadly this act will not be viewed as an amazing strength of character but as one of weakness.
Thanks sofamob for watching, and sharing your thoughts about forgiveness... Maybe forgiveness when you get to a place of strength is the key? What do you think?
I think as the betrayed we need to stop looking at forgiveness in a vacuum. It is not a unilateral act, it is both given and received.
If insecurity was at the root of the first indiscretion then the guilt one feels at betraying a spouse can be exasperated by being forgiven.
I see it as a two sided coin with “love and consideration” on one side and “loathing and contempt” on the other with “forgiveness and indifference” along its edge. Which side lands up truly is a coin toss.
Sofamob 7 right!
Interesting talk. However, a cheater effectively has emotionally checked out of your relationship to have the affair without any regard to how it will affect you and your family. It could be repaired in certain circumstances but for the vast majority the betrayed needs to find their self respect and be rid of that relationship.
Thanks for watching Juan, and for responding with your view. There are definitely some people who cheat with that mindset, so thanks for highlighting.
Also would be interested to know which country you're watching my TEDx Talk from Juan... different societies would appear to have different views on staying and going!
@@lucyberesford3472 Hi Lucy, the UK.
@@robfuller7841 Hi Juan - thanks.
"has emotionally checked out"
If you have lost someone to an affair, I think you have lost them forever. There is no going back, you can forgive, but never forgot. Your life is filled with suspicion about them forever.
That's a choice I think
You never lost them , you never had them.
@@garyeden9552 how true
Exactly! You can forgive, but realistically you can never trust them again.
If I had a dollar for every one of the morons responding to this video, who seem to think their view of things is the only view, I doubt it would take more than a week or so before I could afford a brand new car... Such absolute nacisism.
My husband has cheated on me through our marriage. But he doesnt want to acknowledge how he hurt me. He just wants to act like it never happened. Help
Thanks very much for watching and I am sorry to hear about your husband's behaviour. I hope you have supportive people in your life who can help you see you deserve more. I don't know which country you live in, but maybe you could also try marital therapy, to help your husband face up to the pain he continues to cause.
Inter-netty leave
He is a coward, if he will not own it you should just end it.
Leave him
Marry someone else whom u deserve. Change ur place,job ..shift to somewhere else.
It's gonna kill you more. And it happens to the good people only.
My father had an affair almost 40 years ago. It almost destroyed my mom, and it took years of work to repair their marriage. They are still together. He is 90, she is 85. They have had many, many good years together. He takes very good care of her, as she is the more fragile one. I think when the two partners really do love each other, a marriage can be saved.
Thanks very much for watching Karen, and for sharing the story of your parents.
True to some extent. Trust me her hurt is un explainable..
Good luck to them but this is the exception rather than the rule
Ay :') I'm happy for that
I would say their relationship was a successful because the man was honorable at staying and working it out. Not all men are that some type of man. I would also consider the generation. It says a lot to what values are taught. Time has changed society's values.
I'm seeing this talk three years down the road and have to marvel at this woman. She is the best speaker I've ever seen.
I forgave. I absolutely, wholeheartedly did. I tried, for 2 months, to make it work. It was only one time. But that shouldn't matter...
However, in the end, I decided to quit. I do feel as if I did a mistake...but, I couldn't live with a constant sense of fear and tension, even if my partner would have been completely innocent. Even if it would only have been my paranoia. I just couldn't. I feel guilty but I believe I did the right thing.
Also, forgiving doesn't mean staying together.
Believe me, you did the right thing.
god bless you
God bless you! Would you mind giving an update? How are you doing after all this time?
@@jordanwastaken_I am alright, but far too traumatized to trust again, unfortunately..
You can recover from an affair if both parties are willing to work it out. If one is not it will be really hard to fix it.
Thanks so much for watching, and for adding your perspective. It takes hard work from both sides, doesn't it.
not hard...impossible
If that person want to save relationship than that person would never cheat
If you get abused and you forgave it means you you didn’t forgive our for nothing , you acknowledge that he was sorry and you are watching that he is behaving better so that what you look for when you forgive somebody so the total out come will work, but once it happened again it’s a repeated sin intentionally after being forgiven and given another chance so yes then you can’t go back . At the end God is forgiving and we can be like him too he is merciful
my girl for 8 years started a romantic relationship with her coworker. she told me about it a few days before my birthday. we are still together and sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy on the inside.
Leave that POS and live ur life. You deserve so much better than a cheating tr4mp.
20 years into our reconciliation. We are happy most of the time. If I can offer one piece of advice to people taking this same route. DON'T DO IT!! RUN! It isn't the more courageous thing to do. It is now a bad investment and you should invest your time and money into another person. It is courageous to set boundaries. It is courageous to look out for your own mental health. It is courageous to take a step out into the great unknown and start over. There. Was. Nothing. Courageous. About. This. Most of my reconciled acquaintances say the same thing. DO. NOT. DO. IT!
Really? I just can’t seem to get over my cheating ex. We aren’t together for the last 2 years but I don’t I’m over him yet.
As someone who has tried for 10 years to get past the infidelity and reconcile, to little success... I agree. Don't attempt reconciliation. You'll spend years in a slowly dying sham of a "marriage" where you are afraid to communicate with the other person. You may be able to forgive your partner, but you will NEVER forget, and will always be on your guard around them.
It takes FAR more courage to say, "Alright, I'm out," and walk away from a life that could have been decades in the making and planning, because you KNOW you deserve better than what you got, than it does to stay in a situation that you think has a minuscule chance of actually working out to be better than it was before, but you are afraid of the discomfort that change will bring.
If someone cheats on you, they are not worth staying with. Nor are they particularly capable of changing themselves without going through intense therapy to address what could make them so callous as to utterly destroy their partner the way that they did.
Miss Lucy has never been cheated on that's for sure .
She hasn't found out is all.
🙂
I think she was the one cheating
At least as far as she KNOWS!!!! Lol
I agree, and I have the right to agree as a betrayed spouse. I don't know where it ends up. I know that I am not painted into a corner. No one can say that they have done nothing wrong but I can say I did not carelessly go down a path to destroy our marriage.
Walking away does not undo the damage done. I agree with what she says about affairs and escape. It is not always about the partner or the marriage, it's often about deep issues that have never been dealt with. At this point, a year and a half afterward, I am frustrated but not angry. It's sad to see someone trapped by their own actions and internal issues. The idea that the cheater got away with something while the betrayed held off from doing the same is very telling. I initially felt that; she had gotten to go have fun while I bypassed that and stayed faithful. At this point I don't feel that at all.
Now I see the chaos and debt that 'fun' created. Not just in the marriage and family. There is a real cost internally for the affair participants that is higher than anything else. They can't even talk about or stand to be reminded of their behavior. Affairs are not publicly displayed for a reason, the same reason that other objectively wrong actions are not proudly broadcast. Maybe some people wish they too had an affair. But why didn't they? There's no lack of opportunity for anyone to have an affair. So to me the real blow of the affair is to my wife's self respect, self esteem and ability to live honestly with herself. I don't have to like her to love her. I don't like her, where she is and remains stuck by choice. I still love her, the same as a parent still loves a child that has f'd up, and continues to f-up. The bottom line is that when I have divorced friends tell me to divorce and move on and then they talk about the ex...I don't see the 'moved on' in their verbiage about the ex.
As the betrayer… it took me a while to understand what I’d been doing and the effect. I ran from the truth, forcing who I thought I was upon myself. Never faced the truth never gave the whole truth and that only made me feel good. The woman I did this to gave me chance after chance, she left and came back all while I was doing things with the mother of my children. I hadn’t faced how I felt with the mother of my children honestly before entering a new relationship. This new relationship was supposed to take me away from my life at the time at least that’s what I was trying to do is run. Now I understand and it’s too late. Now everything I ever wanted I’ve lost because I kept running, lying, deceiving. Regardless the goals I accomplish in life, it will never feel the same because my moral compass was off and I knew it and did nothing about it till it was too late.
If you’re gonna cheat just leave your person first, that hurt is nothing like how they hurt they will feel once they find out you’ve cheated.
Would you say her leaving for good helped you become a better man or how did it affect you going forward? Did you respect her more for leaving or would you have loved her more for sticking it out with you after you came to the conclusion?
I got cheated on a lot with a lot of different people within one year, and still stayed for another two and a half. Until I couldn't do it anymore. The girl and the strength I lost in myself was refound when I made the choice to leave and try to heal myself alone without him. It's still a process, it's currently a process
I admired your courage!!
I'm now in the position that you were in, I knew that leaving is the right choice, but my heart would't let me do it, I talked to him & said that I try to forget the pass & move on to the new page with him.....
How do you do now?
Are you glad with your choice to leave?
I eventually left my cheating ex too. I only wish I would have done it a lot sooner. We’re divorcing now, but the damage has already been done.
@@tedfinger you're so brave. I'm still clinging to him now, I'm afraid of the idea of life without him...
@@rikifauzi3548 I know that feeling. I was afraid to leave for years. But eventually the cheating got so bad I couldn’t take it anymore. In that moment my fear left me because I knew I had nothing to lose by leaving. Leaving is really the more courageous option.
@@tedfinger thank you for sharing your experience, it means alot to me. I have talked with him & said that what he has done was cheating & it hurts me. But he said that those just a one night thing, & nothing more. But what hurts me also, he has done it with 3 different women, on 3 different nights...He said that he didn't mean to cheat on me & he also doesnt want to lose me....I know I should end up this relationship right away, but letting him go is like thursting knife to my heart, it hurts even by thinking it...
I also couldn't share it with my friends nor my family due to certain conditions....
Just left my partner not because he cheated but because he would do this eventually and I don't want to go through this. A person used to variety will not change because of you. It's been messing a lot with my head and I'm so proud to have the courage to end it.
@Pristiano penaldo he said he will eventually need to be with other girls
@@aly6192 I'm so happy that you left. I left mine and although it's not easy, it will get easier later.
Someone who loves doesn’t hurt their “loved ones” like that js
They can if they don’t know how to love or handle tough situations maturely. It’s definitely possible to rebuild a relationship. I’ve seen it time and time again.
VERONICA CORDOVA amen
Problem is I cant trust them and that makes me uneasy. With him out of my life I have nothing to worry about. Relationship is hard to repair. Kids make you stay to try to make things work, but you lose yourself.
Just leave. It never gets better nor will they change.
If they cheated when you were dating they will drag you through the mud in marriage.
Just leave
If the person doesn't do the SOS work, it's time to leave. You hope if your partner is unhappy, they would turn around and grab your hand and tell you it's time for a therapist. It's selfish to not try to fix the relationship prior to seeking your own needs.
My ex cheated on me TWICE because he was unhappy.. he was the one who always preached about how communication is so important it’s the most important thing, but then he wouldn’t communicate with me and would turn to other random women online instead... clearly he needs to take his own goddamn advice. I might’ve not been the best at communicating but I would NEVER turn to someone else just because I’m unhappy. It’s not that hard to talk to your partner man it just really isn’t!!
OMFG, if the one you loved cheated on you, that is a DEAL BREAKER...the relationship is FINISHED
"the relationship is FINISHED"
Disagree, Scott Elam.
@@panchorodriguez7246 may i ask .. if your relationship was so strong , what led to you cheating ? you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to just genuinely curious : my man cheated and here debating what to do
@@Saucedo17 Did you forgive him?
@@jonathanvenceslaudasilva8165 I did. However, the trust was gone so the relationship was too.
I can see a lot of people are really confronted by the idea of staying. But if you can talk through events like this and have honest conversations, that can be the foundation of a very strong relationship between two people building a life together.
I’ve found that this can only work if the cheater is willing to take full responsibility and fundamentally change who they are, which rarely happens. Getting caught doesn’t usually inspire them to change their ways and save the marriage.
My dad had an affair with multiple women and ended up getting an std and eventually passing away from it.
Thanks Hannah for watching and sharing your story, I am sorry you had to experience that.
Because the father if my ex once cheated, i was condemmed as she believed all men are cheaters or will chear. How could I live down that curse?
I can forgive a temporary fling or a one-night stand but a 2-year affair it's not just cheating it's a complete betrayal
Someone who is thinking of taking back a cheater must remember that the cheater will always disrespect you for doing that
Not true
Both people have to really want to save the marriage. Oftentimes, one abandons the betrayed partner for the new love interest.
You're so right Sue, both people in the couple need to want to work at it. Thanks for watching, and for your thoughtful comment.
Dont eternalise seeking blame on yourself. It will only make you bitter. Like a piece of sand in your tooth. Eventually the hole grows so large that it rots.
Just assumed my partner would always be there for me no matter the circumstances or attraction
@@fredthomson8941 people who don't want or love each other do not get married, they stay in open relationships and change partners all the time. Him and her.
Literally just happened to me. My now ex-girlfriend just told me that we have to break up because she's been cheating on me for two months and her new guy keeps saying he wants a relationship. She wasn't even trying to convince me to stay, she might as well have just said that she prefers him to me.
I left after discovering my husband’s affair. We were separated for 2 1/2 years. He promised he’d learned and grown and would never betray me again and I believed him. We reconciled and 10 months later I found he was still communicating with his...I don’t even know what to call them...”friends.” 🙄 That was 2 years ago. We’re still together but I’m afraid I am broken beyond repair. My body is here but my spirit is crushed. It’s hard to walk away after 32 years of marriage but staying after such betrayal has left me empty.
Sorry to hear this. Empty is exactly the word for the way I’ve felt since my wife betrayed me twice in the last 6 years of our marriage. I’ve lost the motivation and enthusiasm I used to have, and I’ve lost interest in so many things. We’re now permanently separated and going through the divorce process. I know I’m better off for having left, but the damage has already been done. I’m skeptical of advice that advocates for reconciliation.
My husband and I have a pact. If either one of us cheats, we do so KNOWING that we're choosing to end the relationship. There's no going back. To us, it's the ultimate.
This is how it should be. Using Jay Z and Beyonce as an example for "normal" people to pretend they're even remotely similar is at best a massive reach and at worst a shaming tactic against those who rightfully leave after being cheated on.
If I had to spend my time having my husband followed, accessing his phone without his knowledge and looking for proof that he his cheating; I wouldn't waste the time or money because its obvious to me there is no relationship.
Hi Donna, that's a great point. Thanks for watching and sharing your thoughts.
A marriage only ever survives DESPITE an affair not BECAUSE of it.
12 years later my marriage survives. My wife even loves me again. But i never got the answers to my questions and my wife has NEVER said 'I am glad i no longer see him and chose to stay with you'. She loved him too so we both know it would be a lie. I suppose i have to respect that honesty however much it hurts.
My wifes affair was painful and irreversible. It has caused mental AND physical damage. Fortunately I no longer think about it everyday and even when i do its fleeting but its taken more than a decade to get to here. I dont see anything positive about it at all apart from its taught me that only being ACTIVELY IN LOVE can protect against an affair. Just love and respect born of time is not enough.
Once the 'honeymoon' is over, no marriage is 100% affair proof.
Thank you for sharing this JJ
I don’t think there is a wrong or right answer/ decision. Only through it. Always focus on the choices that hold yourself in high esteem as the love of your life. Everything will fall into place. Working through a relationship trauma is extremely difficult especially when it is not as of high importance to your partner as it is to you. Even harder with trauma triggers and terrible communication. I don’t know if I agree with this lady 100%. She comes from the POV of trying to work the relationship out. Sometimes what’s best is to walk away. When that moment happens depends on where the connection falls on the relationship meter. Sometimes leaving is only temporary so both people can settle their mind and emotions to ground themselves. There is an infinite number of possibilities. Be honest of what that is for you. That’s what I’ve learned on my life’s journey.
Amazing speech. I chose to let my husband go. He could never and will never admit he cheated, nor will he apologize for what he has done to our family. He was unwilling to be transparent as well. Instead he blames me for leaving him. He is now alone and blames me for his misery. In some circumstances it's best just to let go. I couldn't live with the thought of "could it happen again?"
Thanks so much for watching and sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Well done for putting yourself first.
I was condemmed from tje day we were married. She always watched my eyes to see if they were trained on her and not wandering at others.
Idk who you are Fred Thomas, but I'm sorry you felt that way.
When we marry we change our lives forever learning new rules to keep the relationship. No longer me but us. Identity changes.
You were brave to leave sister, I applaud you for making that painful and scary jump.
I was cheated on as well and I, at first, in my pain, was delusional that I could fix the relationship, it was already broken beyond repair and now I was broken as well along with my trust.
I agree in certain RARE circumstances, doing the work can fix the relationship, that is the great, great minority..i worry this video may give false hope to heartbroken people and encourage them to endure more abuse, that’s my concern. If the person cheating realizes the person will stay, usually they feel they have a free pass of forgiveness in the future for their abusive patterns and major f-ups.
Leaving takes major courage,
I at first was too scared and too weak to let him go, until I came to the realization that infidelity is abuse,
It scarred me emotionally, it effected my self esteem, it caused me to become afraid, infidelity has all the hallmarks of abuse.
I left
I don’t regret it and I am so proud of myself for mustering the courage to leave.
Forgiveness is hard and people reach it at their own time..society pushes people to forgive but that’s a process that takes time and is different in length for each individual, we must as a society stop pushing people towards forgiveness because we are tired of seeing people in pain. They will get there, it’s a natural process, the biggest roadblock is resentment, anger is natural, resentment becomes a road block,
sorry for my little forgiveness tangent.
Keep your head high sister
Hugs