Monogamish: The new rules of marriage | Jessica O'Reilly | TEDxVancouver
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- Опубликовано: 15 янв 2015
- This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. Jessica showcases the grey-area between monogamy and open relationships that might just be the antedate to divorce. Do you want to understand the key to happily ever after? It may be as simple as learning to be monogamish.
Sexologist, author, and PlayboyTV host, Jessica O’Reilly travels the globe promoting more open conversations on our most intimate interactions. The work and advice of Dr. Jess has been featured across popular media and continues to challenge conventional beliefs of what it means to be in a healthy relationship.
About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
My wife and I fell in love when she was 14 and I wad 15. Together 60 years and married 54 years. We were never out of love with each other until she passed away.
She still loves you Walter. Stay strong. She would want that.
You are the man and that's awesome.
I want to be like you two ❤️❤️❤️ that's awesome, so sorry she's gone 💔
I'm sorry for your loss, Walter.
I know this probably was a serious post, but I did laugh at the "until she passed away" 😑🙄
I have had many partners in my day, and I can tell you without question that ONE relationship with ONE person you love who also loves you is better than all the casual fun in the world.
Disagree. Been in many long term, and many open/swinging relationships. Playing with others is infinitely better
Ignore the comments below . Kids
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Jhk
@@billfoster5563 yphkph hiiii
35 years together. Still hot for each other. One of our few rules - Never involve someone else in your relationship. - Whether family, friend, etc... even for advice. Talk to each other. Turn to each other and not away. It works.
Absolutely!
We have been together 25+ years
Haha, yeah sure 😂
Sometimes having a frame of reference helps from another married person helps. Sometimes. Depending on the person. But this can’t be done in lieu of talking with your spouse, simply as an adjunct to effective communication.
What if the other is dull? Need wisdom from others.
I think that the phrase-' Living happily ever after ' is what makes us miserable in the first place ,because life and feelings in a relationship goes up and down. You can not be happy all the time, so we see it as a failure when we are not.
You couldn't be more right. No more duty and companionship only personal happiness.
Very good point that has much overlap with many areas of functioning in western life. "Why not be happy all of the time (with the purchase of this, that or the other)?"
I have known couples who didn’t get along for 10 years yet fell back in love again.
My husband and I are back in love after years of troubles.
“we have a global epidemic on our hands and it’s airborne...” made me quickly check when this was posted
Frank Shi same. hahaha
Me too🤣🤣🤣🤣
yup...me too.
LOL
Man, same.
Marriage is not the problem. Our value system is
Leon Labuschagne
the best comment!
The morality is at its lowest ebb in our today's world.
Demo Cordoba
you also have a point, the government should stay out of people's marriage lives.
Oh my God leon, you didn't say alot but what you said is more powerful than alot of stuff that is read or whole speeches ( like this one ), I've heard, need people with your thinking, our thinking, talking to people.
Leon Labuschagne Marriage is an out dated an archaic system that doesn’t work… Why should you bring the state into your relationship with a contract? It ruins everything… Marriage does not need to be fixed… needs to be abolished
So right Demo, with you 100% on this.
Relationships work as long as you make each other your priority.
Which is why there are so many divorced people in the world.
What guarantee does a person have that if they do this, that the other person will also do the same? If the answer is not a overwhelming YES, then relationships have some serious built in flaw.
@@wandererbard8993 There used to be serious societal forces to encourage people to work on their relationships. Those are almost all gone.
This lady's perspective is delusional. You can only succeed in marriage when there is an incentive for it to succeed. Too many people have attractive alternatives when the challenges of marriage come knocking.
Priority should be yourself then your partner. Otherwise if you make them your priority and yourself last they will not have any respect for you, you will end up with no respect for yourself and then because of this they will leave you and you will be pathetic.
As a guy who has been monogamous and a swinger, monogamy is a whole lot easier to deal with than a swinging relationship as far as stability goes. There are tons of traditional couples who have been married 30-40-50 years, it seems to me that the swinging couples I used to know had all been married multiple times and never had strong relationships to begin with. There is no such thing as innocent flirting, flirting either gets shut down or it escalates.
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become your character.
Watch your character, for it can become your destiny.
Well said
That Is The Best Conceptual Statement For The Self Mental Wellness Journey that I have Been Gaining A Firm Knowledge on Myself as A Man., Husband and Father..!
Thank You for Sharing..
M.V..
Hamilton, Ontario
Your thoughts are not your own. Society has pressured you to act and think a certain way long before you were even born. Your words and actions are not your own, they come from everything you read, and heard on TV, Radio, Movies, and Books (When you talk you are sharing information that you already know, it's when you listen thats when you take in new information). Your habits are just that, habits to pass the lonely or sad times, but with loving friends and family those habits don't have to become a problem, instead learn to love those with habits not scorn them with silly sayings like, "your habits will become your character" how sad and unhelpful. If you are so aware of your character and destiny then please tell me the exact date of your death destiny, and the type of illness your character will die from. Oh thats right you can't cause you're just as clueless as the next person, no one knows their destiny silly. It's truly saddening to see how many folks are stuck in their own perception of reality that they can not see the walls they have built around them thru the influences of religion and society. As soon as someone offers anything contrary to your illusion of life we become so quick to retaliate against it. (Quick! My belief system has been questioned bring me my best blankie, some ice cream and leave me alone so I may go back to life as I know it...sounds like you prefer the Matrix instead of seeing what the real world looks like, and if thats the case then yes, take the blue pill the story ends and you believe whatever YOU want to believe). Exactly the point she makes in the beginning, you are forced to think in one way and maybe it's not the correct way. Everything in life has changed, you don't drive horses to work? You no longer need the Pony Express to send an email, so why is it so far fetched that something like marriage created centuries ago can't improve? Perhaps it's all those still living in Medieval times that don't want to embrace change, and thats really the problem. How many people made fun of the first automobile? Tons, because the cars would get stuck in the mud. Mud roads that were designed for horses, but once the roads were paved what happened? Everyone now owns a car and make fun of those that don't have a car. Don't be stuck in the past, it might seem funny now, but down the road you may be the person stuck on the side of the highway by your lonesome wondering, how did life get away from me so quickly? Always keep your mind and soul open to any and all new possibilities, only then will you see your true power to succeed in life and marriage.
This is exactly what I thought about. It's one thing to have the thought, but to continue in the thought leads to this progression.
So what if you watch your destiny?
Got married at 25, married an amazing woman. She is my best friend. 2 kids, almost 5 years later and we're stronger today than we ever were. Our love for each other grew over time because we foster in each other loyalty and respect. In order to make a relationship last those 2 things are the most important. Temptation is everywhere, you just have to avoid it.
T S ugh I hate you, and your picture perfect life
I give you ten years before you come back to the comment section of RUclips to advocate for MGTOW. In the mean time, enjoy the good time while it lasts.
T S 5 years is nothing. Wait till 50. Then talk.
T S dont listen to these people
T S ignore it
Part of the problems with marriages failing and partners being unhappy, and other problems is that people don't try. Every relationship takes effort in order for it to work. People are not willing to put in the effort not to be selfish, not to gripe and complain all the time, being a little selfless, being thoughtful, and being patient. Marriage requires a lot of work... work that people are not willing to do.
Amen
I agree
Exactly. And the word "selfish" is the key word. This is what adultery AND 'monogomish' are all about. Monogomish is is only an excuse. INTEGRITY and TRUTH are the most important matters involved where a marriage is concerned.
Marriage is dangerous for man in this part of world
@@michaelbee2165 - selfish is what adultery is usually about. But it’s not at all what “monogamish” is all about. Quite the contrary.
The largest issue with adultery is that it is a complete violation of honesty. It’s not (usually) the act itself, but rather the deception, the dishonesty, and the selfishness involved that make that act so damnable.
Ethical non-monogamy and this subgroup of “monogamish” couples are a completely different ballgame. The required element to make it work is complete honesty. It also isn’t about selfish needs: it’s about addressing the needs and wants of the couple - TOGETHER. That is in direct conflict with your statement. I’d argue that a MUCH higher percentage of non-monogamous couples vs traditional ones are more honest and conversationally open with one another. Generally speaking, they have a much higher level of trust with each other. It’s not a perfect solution for everybody. Or for most people. But inaccurate comments born out of ignorance isn’t fair to those who make it work every day.
FWIW, this isn’t me. I am a traditionalist. That doesn’t mean I look down in others.
Why endorse cheating… part of the problem. I know Many couples who “tried” this, ending in divorce. Thanks
What do you think pushed them to try it? Was it being perfectly content and not feeling a pressing need to improve their situation? How do you know they would have been happy if they hadn’t tried it? Why would they have tried it if they were happy?
I'm the first to admit I am old-fashioned. I have been married twice (the divorce was not my choice) the first time for 24 years and currently, going on 25 years as well. Fidelity and acting within my values has always been a priority for me. I would not have an affair because doing that would hurt my husband. We are best friends, partners and intimates. I have had opportunities to have an affair but I chose not to follow up and do so because I value myself and my marriage more than that.
That isn't being old fashioned, perhaps a little, that's just applying slight common sense and critical thinking. Man is superior to other animals precisely because he is discerning, is able to recognise patterns and extrapolate. Instinct tells us that extrapolating infidelity and adultery leads to or legitimizes more primeval behaviour.
Donna Allgaier - thank you you give me hope!
I tought you are going to say"i dont cheat my husband cuz i dont need others" not that it will hurt your husband
Wish more women were like you Donna
The old fashioned way IS to have an affair (or reject it). The modern way is to talk about the drive behind extramarital lust and build that into the relationship.
Monogamous marriage has always been the ideal, not the norm. In today's world, ending marriage is easier than ever. If couples expect to stay married today, they have to recognize that courtship doesn't end. It's a lifelong process.
Anyone who sees marriage as the end game is headed for divorce.
Ending marriage today isn't necessarily easier. I almost went through it myself, still costs a lot, and can take a lot of time if one spouse refuses.
Perhaps you meant that people make more excuses nowadays? That could be. Or, there are more distractions. But let's be honest, only certain couples are destined to stay together from the outset anyway, no matter how hard both or just one party tries to keep it together.
@Doctor Detroit or when the guy feels "unhappy"
That’s just not true. Monogamous marriage has only really been a thing for the past couple of centuries.
Whose ideal?
Marriage is kind of silly.
This is like playing with fire and thinking you'll never get a burn.
No, no it's not.
This sounds like something I used to say: “just the tip!” Right.....
Monoga-ish is Satan’s Game
Mathew 5:28 27. You have heard it said you should not commit Adultery. 28. But I say that anyone that looks at a woman Lustfully has already committed Adultery with her in thier heart.
I get it though certainly it’s exciting but nonetheless giant sin!!
@@Captain-Awesome youtube is satans playground too buddy.. it is playing with fire and if you pay attention to her she talks about the burns as well. The mindset is really strong here.
@@Captain-Awesome you're a religious wacko and your message is dangerous and needs to go to the ash heap of history where it belongs
This is a sneaky good presentation about communication, learning your partner's needs, and expressing your insecurities so you can address them. If you're wondering if you're still physically attractive, and your girl is openly fantasizing about someone in great shape, it's a good non-aggressive indicator that it's time to get your health habits and confidence right ASAP
My wife and I both think about others sometimes, but it's really helped us because I get excited when I think about her with another guy.
@@kbanghart I'll BET you do
@@lockandloadlikehell yep
The beginning was an ultimate disaster. Nothing against her (the presentation was informative) but all the first three jokes bombed HARD. I had to stop to gather my thoughts lol. Public speaking is fricken HARD. Props to her for not letting it affect her performance.
@@kbanghartsame here dude
Honesty is the MOST endearing quality a person can offer to a relationship. Maybe because its so rare. Step one.
Yes the most valuable resource you have is time, and giving that to another person is the ultimate gift. True love
Step one is respect, EVERYTHING else comes together. My suggestion is simple, for men, put your wife/partner first. For Women, put your Husband/Partner 1st. It's really no more complicated than that, if you're in a relationship, you will need to do things and do things at times that you may not really wish too ..... do it anyway!!!!
@KahlosHack - You are a bit confused and with that statement, I am thinking you probably struggle with getting respected by others. It is proper to respect and treat others respectfully unless they prove to be undeserving.
Getting respect for varies leadership roles or specific reasons is earned, respect as a fellow human being should be until proven otherwise!!!
When we know we have found someone honest?
It literally all just boils down to good communication.
You can't have a relationship without a friendship. I don't understand why people can't control themselves.
There is no easier way to ruin a marriage than "opening" it. I know two people who have tried this. Both were divorced because of it.
Don't listen to idiots. This woman is one.
Wrong
@@kbanghart OK she's a moron then. Better?
@@prometheus5700 no. Facts are better than insults. But that's just my opinion.
I met my now husband at 16. Had our first child at 18. Second child at 21. Married at 22. Now we’re going on our 7th year together. I would never share him. He would never share me. We would never share ourselves. We’re happy keeping each other to ourselves 👍🏻
Also, we don’t flirt with other people. If I flirted with someone else it would hurt my husband and make him question if he’s good enough. And vise versa. I don’t want to feel inadequate. And I don’t want my husband to ever feel inadequate either. I am enough for him. He is enough for me. If we lack something then we figure out what we can do differently or something new we can do to make things better. Not look for it somewhere else. I should be the only one to turn my husband on and pleasure him. And he’s the only one that does anything for me. That’s how a marriage works. Being only his. And him being only mine. If someone doesn’t like how this sounds, then maybe marriage isn’t for them.
You have only been together 5 minutes. Wait until it is 30 years.
@@goddessofdragons1996 Good for you guys! Just because everyone else is weak of character, don’t stand by their oaths, and are too selfish and inconsiderate to ever interact with anything with a lifespan greater than a dog, doesn’t mean you have to!
you have many years to realize what you really want speaking too too early
Or maybe, marriage is whatever it means to the two who are in it. 👁👄👁
This is playing with fire. A better solution is to have your own friends and hobbies. Having fun together, traveling, working out together, and spicing up sex is a much better option.
'spicing up sex' is what she said to do.
no, people just get sick of each other after a while, monogamy for a lifetime is unrealistic. marriage is such an old school move, people are getting smarter. women still want it, so they lower their standards and marry naive guy they never wouldve dated in their prime, left alone marry for life.
@@empowermph k ml) Jo
I agree. Once you start to fantasize about someone else. The magic of your partner goes away. Is playing w fire. Someone is bound to get burned
@@megatrong1300 maybe, but its possible to have both at the same time.
Another fascinating talk that explains a solution, the lack of communication, as a reason and suggests a vague solution.
For every cheating, it starts with a thought, that was acted out in the long run.
yes and people should also beware about thinking about committing crimes, because then they'll act out on it too!
Absolutely 100%!! Check her marriage in another 5-7 years. Let's see where her "soul mate" is then... people please!! And we wonder what's wrong with society😬
A hidden thought, big difference to what the presenter is talking about
linda lamb lol this was posted 6 years ago. There are more than 1 ways to do a relationship.
@@PJ-hi1gz exactly...
everything begins in THOUGHT FORM - James Allen
That woman sounded sane until she said "monogamish"
Sounds like she wants a BF on the side and needed to justify it. Not many facts in this though and other TED talks contradict the info presented. No doubt, open works for some people, but not the vast majority. The pitiful stats on marriage are due to human conditions - fear, lust, stress, etc. This is just placing a band-aid on what requires surgery.
Creating fake scenarios, fake thoughts, fake desires, and expecting a real relationship 🤣 thanks for the advice.
sounds like monogamy to me...
Some other examples of fake activities : role play, telling a joke, putting on makeup on date night.
That's her job
Together for 50 years. Beating the odds.
The last relationship I was in, we were monogamy-ish. But the more I let up that leash the further apart we became. Then she left me for someone else.
Yeah, if you saw the whole video, she said that in failing relationships, nothing will magically keep it together.
Plen122 lol...talk about a safety net.
@Alejandro Moreno right on the spot dear sir.
Alejandro Moreno what do u mean?
@Alejandro Moreno maybe he is not talking about the leash in particular, he's referencing it to the elasticity the female in the video talked about.
Commitment is like being a soldier. It requires work, discipline and practice. The minute you start throwing that away for comfort, thrill or entertainment, you invite the opportunity of failure inside the walls. If sleeping around is your battle planned answer for "boredom" after a few years of marriage, just save everyone heart ache and keep it single. Problem solved.
This should be top comment.
@Frikkiwitz do you mean PTSD? Is what why they have it?
Brilliant words, thank you!!!
Who says commitment and thrills are mutually exclusive?
@Frikkiwitz Ah, yes.. because murder, death and destruction has always been metaphorically equivelant to love, and the inevitable stress that comes from regular daily life throughout that commitment.
Wow! Amazing speech and great suggestion to help the institution of marriage get to next level. I would argue another very important element is having solid, independent, self-esteem / self-love. We should be expecting more from ourselves than our partner. If u give, u shall receive!
Yeah, but total nonsense unfortunately, if you understand anything at all.
Vee, you suffer from Dunning Kruger Effect.
That was great and I think you need to do another talk and get this out to more people. I have thought about some of the things you mentioned and after 44 years of being married to my wife that would have been a great help instead of the struggles we have been through.
Let's make this simpler. Humans are humans we find others attractive and can still be loyal. Basically dont shun and repress every thought that comes through your mind about someone other than your partner. You'd think this is common sense. Repression leads to obsession, that leads to shady actions. Just accept these thoughts and move on.
Great comments! I love the “repression leads to obsession” line.
That is very good advice. If you add don't act on those thoughts and share them only with church/psychiatrist/partner whichever you prefer. Friends are not acceptable to be bearers of such thoughts and will ill advise you. Church and psychiatrists / psychologists are taught how to advise in such scenarios and your partner will listen to you and try to solve the problem in your relationship. Friends will tell you you'd be still saint if you dump the men.
By the way guys it applies to you with reversed gender too.
TLDR anyone that tells you to dump someone instead of work out issues is not you ally in this case.
Great comment. Very practical and also helpful. Well played miss; well played
Yes, she mentioned that in the video.
noël nuevo wise words
Maybe strengthening friendship, increasing romance, and devoting more effort into loving the other person will better help the marriage /relationship rather than being "monogamish".
Thank you!
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Everything you say disappears when you get married. I would love to talk to your husband/partner and hear what he really feels :)
@@dr.c196 I've been married for over 10 years, and none of that has gone away from my married. We've had unquestionable rough patches, but my wife and I are great friends. We have children so things like romance and doing things for one another often comes down to cleaning the dishes when its her night, getting her some flowers for no reason...giving her footrub or getting a babysitter so we can sneak out to dinner and movie. Big displays of romance are difficult both in terms of time and/or resources (but I still make the effort for special events or big milestones).
Everyone's experience is different of course, but I would say that it doesn't disappear; it changes. And you have to find value in what it becomes.
@@Silvertip_M This on all levels.
I will never commit to a woman who plans to cheat on me as a natural part of the long term relationship. It's already happened to me a few times. I now appreciate that every relationship has a honeymoon phase and when that ends she will go to another who creates that feeling strongly within her. It's part of the Disney princess fantasy to constantly seek that magical prince who only exists in the mystery of a stranger.
Most women are not like that, they care about security and being respected and less about the mickey.
It does exist - you have to believe that - yours just sought it elsewhere.
Good piont
Concur
WELL Stated,Steve !!!!!
Love the comments. I get what she is saying, I think. Marriage is something that needs both partners to be able to define their marriage. For that it's communication in the forefront, with alot of honesty.
I think if people want to be monogamous they should. If people want to be open, they should. If people want to be polyamorous, they should. It's none of my business what two consenting adults do in a relationship. If it's something I disagree with, then I personally won't do it, but I'm not going to shove my beliefs on someone else. Do what makes you happy in your relationship! It's YOUR relationship after all, not anyone else's. There's no one right way to do things and getting into a relationship is risky as it is.
Beka K 軍事演習
It's a big problem when a couple can't talk about this kind of thing with each-other and can only talk about what they're supposed to, if anything.
Yes. It is your/our business. Whenever movements like this start to severely change the dating landscape and social stability and devotees of monogamy are left to live a life alone, it is unquestionably everyone's business.
@@robertfeight1205 What people do in the bedroom is nobody's business except the people involved. Not the government's and especially not yours.
@@barry5767 I couldn't agree more. My wifes parents said this to us before our wedding and they are devoutly religious!
Sounds like a good way to end your marriage.. playing with fire usually results in burning down the forest. Love your spouse above all else, including your own selfish desires.
And viceversa
Great man! A true alpha and not this weak beta nonsense floating around these days
Boorrring
@@atmosrepair hmm, usually when people try to talk about alphas and betos and all of that nonsense, means they are weak, insecure people.
Unfortunately, it doesn't take any kind of weird behavior, if you want to call it that, to end a monogamous relationship. History has shown us that monogamy just isn't really successful.
12 years in a relationship here.. im not saying ive been perfect neither has he, but we’ve never cheated irl on each other and honestly i believe our love is strong and i trust him ive found at least for me in my relationship honesty and sharing like there is no mine or his its ours was monumental we are team players not enemies and if one has hurt the other 99% of the time it was accidental and easily forgivable... with that said to err is human and perfect doesn’t exist if youre a human that is... just love the best ya can dont be a door mat and be happy and safe cause its 2020 and covid sucks..
Never cheated in real life? What does that even mean? You cheated over the internet/text but not in person?
you are truly speaking at this moment. Please forecast another video on this issue. Thanks a million.
I don't care how people have relationships but saying that one type or relationship is the new rule is a problem.
Truth is men have control over what will be the new norm
@@susuilu fro
Thinking about it, opens the door to actually DOING it. Remember that. Commitment is commitment. Anything else is tripe. Trust is developed over time. Trust is disintegrated very easily, and very quickly.
What's wrong with doing it?
I totally agree that its left up to each couples interpretation and dynamic!❤
A a therapist, open relationships have SERIOUS impact on the kids
What kinda impact in particular?
Did you watch the video?
Only fools would be into this with kids in the house.
So do unhealthy monogamous relationships. Lol your comment is pretty polyphobic and provides no context.
Edit: if couples actually communicate with their kids instead of trying to hide their non-conformist lifestyle, or god forbid actually provide a healthy climate of criticism of an incredibly inflexible "till death do us part" lifestyle, then there's hope.
@@msp2965 Polyphobic? Give me a break...
this is actually a decent talk. the whole point of TED is to think outside of the box, all these ppl downvoting it, are not even giving it a chance. also, you're not supposed to agree w every single TED, they are just ideas and stories to consider
When the whole premise is bs then I will say something
this is not outside of the box thinking, this is just giving in to the animal part that is luring in the back of our minds, evolving past all of that is another option.
No. This is not a decent talk.
She had a lot of people thinking outside of her box.
Especially when the most radical suggestion, she made was to admit when you find someone else attractive, maybe talk to them, and then go home with your partner.
Monogamish works because only at this point partners deal with each others as best friends.
Like when she asks him “do you like that girl” or when he tells her “oh this guy is hot”.
Then, not only they sided their mental formula of being partners who can judge each others but deal like best friends who can open up to anything.
Friendship really matters.
Being monogamish works in neutrality, if no love and no feelings exist in a couple....it may allow them to experiment, but it fails at a certain point of time.
Everyone’s probably different which makes it complicated. Not acting on my thoughts and words over time only serves to frustrate me. So it probably won’t work for me and it’s probably best to control or distract myself from such thoughts as they creep in.
Divorce in my opinion is still the best last resort for couples even if it might hurt 1 person more than the other. After all, pain, when overcome, makes us stronger.
As much as I struggle just like everyone else, the pursuit of ideals is the higher and more honourable path. And the ability to act against our instinct is what separates us from other animals. If we allow our instincts to control us, where do we draw the line? Do we simply choose not to work because we’re lazy? Do we allow ourselves to physically hurt others when we feel like it? extreme examples but yeah if we let one slack, we’ll quickly descent into a chaotic society.
Thank you .. that's made a new vission for me .. eventhough I'm single but it was very usful 👍🏻🙏🏻
wow, a lot of thumb down huh?
I don't like the idea of doing any of this but there's important message about it.
The solution is to talk to your partner and deal with it somehow.
Do what works for the both of you! There are all kinds of relationships and marriages. I do what's best for my marriage and I don't judge who makes it work differently than I do
a lot of people here are WAY missing that the foundation of her talk is based on consent with your partner
Word of warning: be very careful in talking to your partner about this this, because I tried to talk to my SO about an attraction I had to another woman. Turns out she falls into the "Strictly Monogamous" section and I now am single. So much for trying to get it out into the open to save the relationship. Careful, y'all. Don't torpedo yourselves like I did...
@@williammosley5634 then good, now you know it won't work later anyway if that's what you really think.
My gf gave me permission to sleep with other women and it almost eliminated the desire to be with another woman.
cre8gnr8nrg whoa! Awesome .. that’s beautiful
@Arathae She is a natural at reverse psychology. LOL
In other situations, I've been told not to do something and it never crossed my mind until that person mentioned it. So naturally I did what they told me not to do...
I sought out the attention when single but in a relationship with permission I'm shocked that I don't act on it.
My married friends that cheat think I'm NUTZ. LOL
@@cre8gnr8nrg
Why are you friends with a person that cheats, let alone multiple? :/
@bad bad mc bad lol whatevs
@bad bad mc bad Well, I definitely disagree.
I have a friend who’s been practicing a version of this with her husband for 13 years. She’s stunning. A home maker. Intelligent. Does not have any social media accounts, but her husband always wants more. He’s constantly threatening divorce because he’s never happy and he’s always trying her to see how far he can get. No thank you. This won’t work for everyone
She didn't say it would for everyone.
@@neldanie I get that. But I have an opinion anyway.
My girlfriend does that she constantly sees how far she can push me. It's very irritating and I'm probably going to leave her soon.
@@nathanaelmarler8874 too much “just be yourself” and “the right person will love you for who you are” going on out there. So many people are putting each other though the ringer instead of actually trying to make things easier for their significant other. You’re either loyal or you’re not. You either have integrity or you don’t. I’ve learned that actions may speak louder than words, but character is the only constant. I want you to know that you may be resilient , but that doesn’t mean you deserve the beating. Life throws us enough punches. I hope she truly knows how you feel and you set some boundaries. If she abuses those boundaries then she has no respect for you. I wish you well
Your friend should divorce his wife and set her free. She doesn't need that
The real problem is people getting married and not knowing what love is when you love somebody you know it and there should never be another question about it the rest your life
So you show up at work in year 20 with the exact same enthusiasm as you did on day 1?
Sounds nice on paper. Seems unrealistic in practice...
I'm not suggesting the feelings in the relationship should change. There should be no doubt about the love part. But that said if you're doing the SAME thing forever, someone is bound to get bored.
And that was sort of the point of this talk...
You can add a little spice by incorporating a little mental fantasy as long as you establish the rules and boundaries of the playing field and the game, then both parties are interested in it. And you close it afterwards by remembering that it only lives in your heads, not in life.
It's not for everyone, but she was pitching it as a tool for some people's toolbox to keep the play fresh and novel for those feeling things may be getting a bit stale or repetitive.
But just because someone handed you a hammer doesn't mean you HAVE to use it...
@@mhuntprofessional I can understand and respect what you’re saying- and on certain days I’m on board 100%. My opinion as a 52 yr old, divorced, single, red neck - and we are talking about ‘marriage’ here: I’ve been in love with a woman- I’ve had women be in love with me-and no matter what we said to each other, how much we liked each other- I’ve never been in love simultaneously. I think that’s what makes a marriage. I think if you find yourself in that situation, things could never get boring. And I think if you’re not 100% in that situation, there’s no need to be even talking about marriage. It takes total honesty- which I feel is one of the 3 basic building blocks- to know if marriage is a potiential avenue and I don’t think there’s a a lot of honesty out there anymore. Or when the truth DOES finally surface, you find you’re married, and bored, and unhappy. Then- yes- pull all cards - I guess… but if the basic blocks were solid- you wouldn’t need crutches to hold it all together. But he’ll, idk- maybe I’m wrong to think this way , but I haven’t seen anything else work
So glad that there are so many who would rather be on either side than stride the shades of gray
And many people fail at open relationship too!
But more people fail at monogamous relationships, I think simply because monogamous relationships are more common.
I love the confidence she spouts the nonsense with. It almost makes her sound what she is saying is true
That's how the news networks do their reporting! 🤣
Yet you can’t even type 2 sentences without making an error. LOL.
@@jamesoconnor9452 Let’s say that true what does that have to do with the conversation at hand? That does not invalidate my point
every salesmans tactic
o
Thank you Jessica, my Wife and I learned a lot! What works is what works!
Some people are wired to manogamous, some are not. Simple as that. The important thing is that we each figure it out for ourselves and are absolutely honest and truthful about it. If everyone was truthful about who they really are and everything was in the open, then we all know where each other stands. If we can just accept each other as we are and let people do what they want in their own privacy then none of it has to be made a big deal. The most decent thing we can do is be real and honest with each other. That is the most respectful thing.
Facts
I agree
Nah no one's wired for monogamy, like our brain systems are literally wired for novelty, however if you want to end up old and alone, I highly encourage polygamy as an option
@@zephyrjmilnes
Marriage doesn't guarantee you'll end up growing old together or that you'll never be alone.
If all people started being honest and truthful there wouldn't be many marriages left.
The most interesting thing I've learned from monogamy over time is how variable sexual satisfaction can be from one encounter to the next with the same partner, depending on mood, fatigue, inebriation, endocrine system function, etc. It's always at least OK, but sometimes it's *awesome* and sometimes I'm still thinking about the previous time afterwards. It just depends, and you can't control it. Now imagine I had only a one night stand with my partner and we both judged it based on whatever chance gave us on that occasion, while we were nervous strangers with each other. We would be trying to judge how compatible we were from a tiny sample size, and probably getting the wrong answer. That's with holding the "partner" variable constant; extrapolate to a string of different partners, and you can't help but attribute that inevitable variation to _them_ rather than random chance. This person's a terrible lover and you never want to see them again, that person's fantastic and you want more, but those signals are completely unreliable, because you were having a bad day, or they were having a great one, etc. No wonder such a person would keep looking and looking.
Wow, square/circular wheel was an extremely stupid example. No culture in history has ever used square wheels and then upgraded to circular; if you're talking about a real phenomenon, it should be easy to cite a real example. And wait, looking at other people but never acting on it is now not "monogamous"? Flirting but not following through is not "monogamy"? News to me. If you don't actually get to fuck anybody else, then this isn't even different from the status quo, and how it could possibly help with the 50% divorce rate is beyond me. She's basically pushing her (entirely bland, mainstream) personal kink and tastes, presented as somehow innovative, and assuming without evidence (where are the charts and p-values?) that it can help everyone. "If a strip club doesn't appeal to you, don't go." Really?? Wow! Mind blown! No one taught her how to pronounce 'panacea'! An "active" sex life doesn't even entail sex every _month_?? An old lady told bishops that sex matters---what's the point if we don't hear how they responded?? How do we know that the "thriving monogamy 2.0" couples aren't simply part of the 50% that wouldn't have had a problem under monogamy *1.0*?
Possibly the worst TED/x talk I've ever listened to. Just unbelievably awful on the very basics of presenting. Did she blow the person in charge of the speaking schedule?
+HebaruSan well said, a slam dunk, in my opinion. ;-)
+HebaruSan This is typical though, in today's "everybody with a degree is some sort of an authority" mentality. People who haven't lived 30 years are "experts" now. If you read a book, you "know" stuff, and can talk for an hour on the subject.
+HebaruSan common sense seems to be a luxury in the modern world. A society swimming in the other rather than the self. Extrospection vs Introspection. Inner-work demands much discernment than any outer-work. My question is who are the unconscious folks who even approved of this talk.
Well spake, +HebaruSan!
HebaruSan Right on!!!! I feel sorry for her "clients." Go back to your sketchy MTV swinger house and stay there.
Or.... MAYBE....maybe go to church and with the knowledge you learn there... you might be able to bring your success charts up with you....(or at least mention them) instead of your cellphone to take a selfie.
Yes. Take a selfie because you will NEVER be on another ted talk. 🙄 ohhh this world.
Hollywood and the media contribute greatly to this issue..
Anyone else think, this lady has done her part, to ever so slightly, increase the divorce rate. Any action always starts as a thought or "flirtation".
No.
i agree. A thought leads to action leads to anything else. leads to divorce
"monogomish" doesn't a marriage make, but please feel free to call it anything else.
@@armandomartinez4152 Just because you date someone or marry them doesn't not change your perception of how other people look. If you say you've never had a thought at all then you're lying to yourself. If it leads to something else then you're not a faithful person.
No. All she is doing is TALKING about something.
Do you think the true and fictional murder mystery stories many of us love so much has done its part, ever so slightly, to increase the murder rate? Good lord.
I've been married for five years and am working hard to do the opposite to build my marriage up again.
The opposite of what?
I hope your marriage is getting better. God has a plan for all of us and whether or not you two feel like it was meant to be, it is. Marriage isn't something you should take back, its what you will continuously change to repair and make stronger with new challenges.
Nedaaril1.....it has been a year, how is the marriage now?
I know what you mean. Good job on doing what you feel is the right way to repair your wounded marriage.
rutgers university
when people use the word crisis and epidemic, beware the words that follow.
Toxins.
... beware the words that follow.... beware the words that follow.... beware the words that follow....
'...and it's airborne' apparently.
Louis Rossmann Y.
Bryan Charles Usually a monogamous &/or open marriage effects both parties. So no, not just women here, are effected.
Whatever she tells us about human -marrige relationship ,all this can be learned though it's personal life experience....no need to explain it in so lengthy way...
But one thing that I like most is way of her presentation is very nice .
Marriage is good! Communication is the key…
It all starts with, " How I see myself" " How I 'Think' you see me".
Monogamy is not the problem. Lack of love is and it will effect no matter what system of relationship your in.
Love isn't the problem either it's lack of communication and respect. All successful relationships require communication and respect in order to be successful. Romantic or otherwise, monogamous or otherwise
Matthew Morycinski people who love truly, do not express jealousy? When their s.o. is cheating on them??
@Matthew Morycinski That kind of deeper love is for mother’s with their children: letting go and accepting. They are supposed to fly free and leave home. I do not have motherly feelings for my husband. Jealousy is not the reason for monogamy.
What if I WANT to exercise my options? IF my wife doesn't keep me fully satisfied, I'll find someone who can. The fact that she knows that, is why she keeps me satisfied.
I think by watching this video I will eventually make better decisions about who is better suited to be my wife or life partner regardless of who she is or where she comes from as long as she can love me and respect me for who I am. I found her speech to be interesting and helpful. Would love to hear her speak at future TED events. ❤❤❤🙏
great talk. having an open conversation with the partner, laying ground rules of a relationship the is determined exclusively by the partners is the key.
I rather think only about my wife and only her. Cheating starts in the mind. Acts are result of thoughts.
Exactly, you got to have a very happy wife then!
Carlos Herminio Caceres That's not correct. If every thought would be followed by emediate action, then your life (and all lifes) would be a big mess.
I think, what you mean, is, you personally find it immoral to feel attraction to another person, if you are in a partnership, and maybe(!) try to suppress this thought/attraction. But it is not possible to suppress a thouhgt.
The good thing is, you can decide, which thought you will follow, and that is it. Everybody does it, 1000-fold a day.
Moli Moli you are right having sex is like having food, no woman would like to eat the same food everyday just like she doesn't like to gave sex with the same man everyday or every time rest of her life. Same food/ same man is boring. You are so right.
So, you get nacked and offer yourself completely to food, I might understand food has an important role in your life to the point you could get an orgasm just by eating it...
The religious topic was brought up by you guys, not the main comment. Is a matter of Love and care, loving and caring for our spouse phisical, psicological health and wellbeing, it's about not wanting to hurt the feelings of the ones we love and others..
I want to have sex with my husband for the rest of my life, and we are really excited about this, because we know there are always new things to discover and practice, and if you lack imagination, there are ways to help out with that. Just the way you fall in love with a person you can fall in love with that person's sexual organ!
People ARE NOT a piece of flesh, it's not that you are rubbbing two steaks, SEX means a lot for the human being.... and if it doesn't mean a lot for you it is because you thought you were a piece of flesh and not a complex human being... you can get help anyway to recover the deep meaning of sex.
Carlos you're beautiful! Nice to hear the thoughts of a good man!
This is why society is dissolving
Yeah this is a symptom of a demoralized culture
You mean lack of commitment and willingness to work through problems?
I might agree.
Society is breaking down because of trump supporters. They bring a myriad of problems to society.
Yep
Society isn’t dissolving. It is continually evolving. And perhaps your comfort with what other people may do, holding onto outdated norms. Not promoting monogomish, but not judging people and thinking culture is breaking down. This has gone on forever, but now it is being discussed and so what?
Maybe I am wrong, but I believe that the ideal marriage is one where either spouse has the freedom and security to leave the relationship if they so choose, but they stay in the relationship because they want to.
From a Judeo-Christian perspective, the further we get from God's design for marriage, the less happy we become.
Very open-minded and informative speech. I love the rich vocabularies she used. It also reminded me of the relationship between Chuck and Blair in "Gossip girls". I believe it is about coming down to your authentic self and strengthen your couple's bond through being able to divulge the deepest fantasies and thoughts with your partners.
It’s not that the “one true soulmate” idea has been embedded in us subconsciously since birth. It’s that jealousy is an ancient, evolved emotion.
Yes she could have worded that better.
unfortunately for us, jealousy is a negative emotion, which is of no help when trying to keep a relationship together.
She's not saying to cheat, she's saying it's ludicrous to treat thoughts as cheating and that honesty with ourselves leads to more honesty within the marriage
@@minagica exactly
jealousy is a byproduct of another issue. It could stem from fear of abandonment, self-esteem issues, trust issues, etc. Those issues need to be addressed and dissected and most likely jealousy will fade. And if you start feeling it again, guess what you do? you talk about it again. There's always a reason behind jealousy and the reasons are present in all forms of relationships - monogamous or not
@@MsZenabel Not today. They were issues a long time ago, today is just facts, almost everyone cheats
Human will always be human. we are emotional being. We get jealous and angry. Term it it whatever. Are we forgetting the fact that relationship fails also because of infidelity which usually started with "small fire". Hence dont play with fire. Love can be a beautiful thing. Dont wash down the meaning of love and mistaken it with lust.
Very very well done thank you I did not think this would be what it was I thought you didn't excellent job and going where people can't even think of doing it because they're seeing such a box or just plain fearful and they can't admit to it to him to themselves
The stat that 50% of marriages fail does not mean that your marriage has a 50% of failure. There are indicators and features of individual relationships that can move this up or down.
But, on average, it has 50% chance of failure. Lol
Good point. Most people won’t understand what you wrote.
All couples are different and they need to find what works for them. One important key to long term satisfaction is open and honest communication. You can't make your partner happy if you don't know what they really want. Find what works for you and your partner and refuse to be bound by other people's idea of what a relationship should be.
The entire audience was so much into Dr. Jess's delivery of information, they even forgot to applaud for her rare and valuable addition of data, information, and examples. Thank you, Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, for supporting monogamy by whatever term assigned.
"delivery of information"
I like that
That's what I'm gonna start calling it, too
Yea...without ever actually stating what the statistics are of WHO files for divorce....women.
Women file for divorce overwhelmingly. This is a problem with women wanting to get married yet not be married.
And disrespecting your partner by fantasizing and flirting openly with other men or women is NOT the answer.
Lovely perspective and thought provoking.. Loved it.. Thanks for sharing !
i dont know why the divorce rate is addressed practically only to monogamy, not the inner work and resolving issues such as communication or attachment trauma. When we meet someone new of course the whole our system lightens up and we get extra energy, optimism and butterflies but maybe we only bypass real issues and even outsource them to a new person.
Indeed, well said, and as they say in AA: "Where ever you go-there you are".
No, disagree. Impure thoughts and flirting w/ someone other than your spouse tends
to open the door for more if youre not careful.
Wendypretty1 I dated a woman like this (had to find out the hard way), it's very traumatic to watch these kind of flirtations
Exactly. What if another partner who is not your husband or wife tells you to divorce your significant other and be with them or get pregnant by this other side partner. How do you deal with that? Is it okay to be "monogamish" now?
Wendypretty1 h
Wendypretty1 agree
Even if it doesn't lead to more the feelings of insecurity and disloyalty are the kind of thing that don't go away, even if you're in a new relationship, former relationships affect your interpretations of future relationships.
Is it me, or is what she is explaining just plain old monogamy? The only thing she is saying is that you don't have to constantly lie to your spouse (or yourself?) that your partner isn't the only person in the world that is attractive.
monogamy + honesty = monogamish?
Congrats you are one of the few that used their brain in this comments section.
Agree, I was so ready to hate on this before I listened to the whole thing.
Completely open communication is really the key. Being 100% honest about your thoughts and desires with each other and finding something that works for both of you.
Agree 100%
Admitting that you find others attractive has nothing to do with monogamy. Being intimate (emotionally and/or physically) does.
Besides, it's terribly naive to think that just because you're in a relationship/married that a switch gets flipped and you can't find anyone else attractive.
Yes but for some flirting leads to talking, talking leads to hanging out and that eventually leads to cheating. Not everybody can have the strong will to push the brakes at some point. People lose to temptation. Once you place that seed in your mind, you will almost always want to explore more at the same time constantly justifying in your mind that it's just an innocent flirt. Keep in mind that even if you're strong enough to hold back at certain point, you have no control over the other person you're flirting with. And he/she might have just the right amount of charm to tempt you enough to break those boundaries. Then the next thing you know is that you or your SO is lying in someone else's bed with guilt, trying to figure out what went wrong.
How misleading! Guard your mind and heart for they are the wellspring of everything in LIFE
yes don't exercise discipline and self control, practice whatever urge your mind demands of you, very good advice.
yes she has no brain
Exactly what I expect from the mind of Marxist female.
you might be able to practice self control and discipline, but you can't control if your partner does the same thing. A little freedom can be refreshing i guess
Benjamin Shabu you’re a conscientious personality type in the big 5 test. Not all of us prioritize the same and have the same needs
Let me save you 26 minutes of time and summarize what she says: "To save your boring marriage don't sleep with other people just pretend that you are." This reminds me of like a binge eating disorder where you chew the food but spit it out.
RearAdmiralTootToot monogamish means smelling, cooking, and talking about food that breaks your rigid diet... Not putting it in your mouth.
Kyle Johnson to me that sounds like torture.
Soldiers do it.
Stranded/lost people do it.
Hmmm
Okage Kyle and all of those people come home with the healthiest state of mind...
RearAdmiralTootToot thanks bro
A better idea is to set an expiration date for marriages . Renewable by approval of both parties and no splitting of wealth period. If kids are involved share custody and share expenses.
Great talk. Yes my partner and I have discussed and actually lived this years ago when we first met and went to a few swingers parties. Over the years we went our separate ways now many years later we've reconnected. Yes we have conversations about all these things frequently. We're very open minded individuals.
You say We're in a crisis,
and yet we're always in a crisis,
so really we're not really in a crisis.
So instead of admitting there are problems, just accept it?
Although I respect her opinion and think she is a great speaker, I feel like this way of thinking isn't fixing the problem of marriage failure. It is just paving the way for people to take the easy way out and allowing them to be corrupt and not have to be completely faithful. Maybe I live in a fantasy but I would like to believe love is out there that doesn't need anyone but their partner and doesn't want to play little games to get excited. Keep the love alive and focus on your partner. No one else should matter.. at least in my eyes.. but if this works for other people then more power to them. I just would want a pure love and connection. This wouldn't work for me.
+Chelsea Magana People always will try to flee imprisonment. Having a wiff of the air outside reveals that it is the same as the air inside the prison. It's worth it and it's not offensive unless you have a weak mind.
+Chelsea Magana did you miss the part where she emphasized communication with your partner?
when you trust eachother, and that trust is well placed, nothing can go wrong, as you're always talking with your partner.
I don't see the issue here. It's called being understanding and open minded. Life isn't as easy as some of you people think it is
+Chelsea Magana I agree with you 200%
Melissa Johnson If the warden that manages your prison tells you that you are actually not in prison. That being locked in your cell for 60 years either alone or with a cell mate is a romantic and exilirating experience, would you believe him?
And that’s okay!! Every couple gets to decide what works for them
this woman presents the idea that a guy will still have a drive and find other women attractive(wo pursuing them) as something incredibly revolutionary. if you want a relationship to last, be his best friend. which means that if he finds someone else attractive and u hear about it, its not something he should expect u to freak out about. anything else is just making people miserable.
Yeahhhh I rather not be in a relationship instead of always think about cheating
I'll tell you right now, my husband would be so pissed if we played her games lol
This will definitely get you a divorce.
The problem is that more and more people have no self-control, morals, and respect for others or themselves.
Do Not Get Married if you are unable to take the vows.
Maybe you didn't watch the whole video. What do you mean play her games? the whole point of her talk was to describe how to keep couples together.
Buttcheeks Mcgee yes. Indeed.
@@sidmichael1158 but it's wrong
100% agree with you Ms. Buttcheeks
My parents have been happily married now for 20 years, even when I was young they talked about celebrity crushes and attractive individuals. They never get mad at each other for bringing this up. In all of my relationships I talked about attractive people with my partner and had long discussions about this sort of thing. As she said every marriage is different, so I implore you to not go around acting as though your words are gospel.
Like pretty much anything, a successful marriage is a result of 100% devotion, and yes, hard work. If you are not up to it then get a divorce. If you cannot commit to your vows in a marriage then you shouldn't be or stay married. What would be the point?
Loved her sense of humor👍
Absolutely spot on, unshared it becomes a withhold, the great separator, fantasy becomes a fake reality.
Professing themselves to be wise they became fools !
Who? Trump, yes.
@@kbanghart that's President Trump. And that's really pathetic.
She's amazing...giving advice with no moral basis or grounded set of values...what a dirtbag
@@ltcavret7574 You should relax, she sounds smarter than you
@@kbanghart nice try...insults only serve to illustrate my point
How about talking about how polyamory and open relationships affects children's perceptions of their parents.
You mean the health relationships they have?
I knew someone who grew up with polyamorous parents and he loved his parents and had a close relationship with them.
I would disown my parents if that were the case. Don’t want me or my progeny to be associated with such selfish deviance.
@@ahmedharris4746 bet ya if your parents were poly you wouldn't be raised to think that way ;)
Magick Melangle Perhaps. But I am grateful that I wasn’t.
I believe most people can have a strong, lifelong marriage. It requires (1) choosing a mate carefully and for the right reasons. Consider that you will never be able to change the parts of them you don't like and can you accept that? (2) remember that you can't change them but you can change yourself. Work on becoming a better person instead of fixating on your partners flaws. (3) frank communication, early and often, before problems get out of control (4) choose to put her first and woo her, even when you don't feel like it. If you act, feelings will follow.
This is what I've learned from a failed 10-year first marriage and a successful 20-year second marriage.
On behalf of all us singles. Please don't flirt with us just to gain excitement with your partner. It ruins our night out when we thought we'd just found someone. Thank you.
People are often selfish idiots pretending to be intelligent haha 😂 we’re just monkeys with cars and cellphones
@@ALLENNEWLIN1979 hahaha. Preach
@@DanishCamp I loved your comment. How could a person be so self involved that they think it’s okay to go flirting around to boost their own self esteem or for whatever reason. I’m sure we are all guilty of some foolish behavior but that sounds so selfish and mean to me. But hey, at least we know that this is a possibility and we can build the wall around ourselves a little taller and harder to penetrate.