Betrayal: The Loss No One Is Talking About | Holli Kenley, LMFT | TEDxMountRubidoux
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2022
- When we think of betrayal, we typically view it as a loss of trust. Because it is a loss issue, grief approaches are utilized in addressing it. But, is this the most effective approach? Based on original research and her experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Holli Kenley widens the lens on betrayal - viewing it as a loss of self, and she identifies three States of Being
- Confusion, Worthlessness, and Powerlessness - lay the groundwork for a different path to recovery. Holli Kenley, MA, LMFT, works in the field of psychology as a therapist and author. She is passionate about understanding and addressing betrayal and believes unhealed betrayal trauma is a common underlying cause of discomfort in our lives. She is the author of four books on betrayal including “Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving From Brokenness To Wholeness” (2018); and “Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition” (2016). Holli has been a six-time presenter at the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists Annual State Conferences sharing her ideas on betrayal, relapse, and other mental health topics. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Thank you! I really appreciate this talk. My husband/partner of 25 years discarded me three months ago. I stood by him through cancer and chemo all last year. I’m having physical issues now and he’s gone. 😢 I will try to put these suggestions to work, even at age 74, will not give up.
Mary Eyth, thank you for sharing. I am very sorry. Many years ago, I had a client who suffered a betrayal very similar to yours. She was a "senior" who had devoted her life to her husband, his career, and his position in the community. Of the Three States of Being, the State of Worthlessness was the most painful one. She worked hard "righting herself." She recovered "herself" and discovered a beatuiful life post betrayer! Wishing the same for you. Never give up! Warmly, Holli💛
@@HolliKenley Thank you for the reply!
Same for me. I am so sorry for your experiences. Wishing you every strength.
@@kathleendubois7128 Sorry to hear that you are also suffering.
Peace and blessings to you on your journey.
The three states of being after a betrayal (confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness) is so entirely spot on. My ex and I were together for 10 years and for 8 of those 10 years I'd ask him if he was happy or tell him he could always turn to me if he wasn't and he'd say he was incredibly happy. Then he started pulling away, not making time for me, hiding other women friends from me, emotionally cheating with them while refusing to acknowledge it as such when I didn't even know they existed but he could complain about me to them, stonewalling and breadcrumbing me, etc. Suddenly he was telling me he was never happy with me and he wasn't giving up any of these women even after they lashed out at me and in fact he cared more about protecting them than me. And I've focused a lot on his betrayal but honestly, I betrayed myself too. I betrayed myself when I chose to believe his lies that everything was ok and it was just my trauma blinding me when I knew the truth. I betrayed myself when I gave him chance after chance after chance to stop hurting me when he kept hurting me more and more. I betrayed myself when I denied my own intuition. I betrayed myself when I begged him to stop hurting me knowing he'd just hurt me more instead of ending it sooner. Finally I stopped betraying myself and walked away, but the confusion, worthlessness, and hopelessness were consuming me. I didn't understand how he could change so much or even know how much of it was him changing and how much of it was who he was all along that I didn't wanna accept or see. It confused me that this was how this person I had loved so deeply felt I deserved to be treated, and since I was basing my self worth at the time on how he treated me it made me feel utterly worthless. I blamed myself that I must've changed him; after all, he was blaming me so why shouldn't I? And I felt powerless in it all. The one thing I wanted, us back the way we were, was out of my hands. My two choices were stay and continue to be emotionally abused and cheated on, lied to, stonewalled breadcrumbed, and neglected or walk away. But even walking away didn't feel like reclaiming my power because I couldn't stop trying to fix the confusion. I couldn't stop wondering why I wasn't enough. I couldn't stop wondering what he was up to. And it really came down to basing my worth on him and blaming myself for his actions. And it took realizing he's damaged in ways that have nothing to do with me and that it's not a reflection on my worth to start to let go of that. But I still had to accept the ways I betrayed myself and the low self worth that caused me to do that. I had to start doing inner child work to tackle the programming I received from my family as a kid that had me believing I needed external validation and that I didn't inherently deserve it. And I'm not where I need to be yet but I'm slowly but surely healing... learning and believing that I deserve better, learning and believing that my worth is there and it comes from me alone and nobody else can take from it or define it, learning and believing that the only person whose thoughts or actions I'm responsible for is me. And none of this stops anyone else from betraying me in the future, but hopefully it stops me from betraying myself if they do.
WOW, Dani!!!! This is incredible! You are clearly "doing the work!" I have a number of clients who have experienced exactly what you are describing, including the feelings of self-betrayal. I am going to encourage them to read your response! The "State of Worthlessness" is the most painful and debilitating - and exactly for the reasons that you described. It takes really hard work to move through that but it can be done. Thank you so much for sharing. I admire your vulnerability, authenticity, and courage. Blessings on your healing journey. Warmly, Holli💙
Thank you for your honesty and the insights you've gained!!
If I had clients, like Holli, I would also offer your insights for them!!
And, I honor the path you've trod! Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. It brought my own struggle into clearer focus.
Sounds like you could benefit from Dr Ramani's youtube channel on narcissistic abuse
Heal NPD helped me to process and understand the 'what's and why's'. I hope it helps you too. Peace and Blessings
🤍👆🙏💫🌟😇
- Sister Heather
Betrayal is never a mistake, it's always a choice
Yes. Betrayal is, by definition, done deliberately and with malice and/or callous disregard. As such ... Forgiveness is off the table ... permanently. No exceptions.
Excellent Comment!
~TD, Boston
I lost my partner after 22 years to betrayal and infidelity, I couldn't believe how much this person I thought I knew and loved was changing right before my eyes, I now understand this was simply her revealing her true self. I came from a really abusive family and my sister committed suicide when I was 16. I thought I'd never get over this betrayal and then I had the most amazing , self fulfilling , self affirming 4 years of my life
This stopped me going on to kill myself and now , now I understand that all that love I was trying to spend on others , I need to spend on myself. One day I will choose to spend it again on another. Till then it's the me show.
I'm going through betrayal and infidelity now. It is hard to accept how the loving and caring person I knew and slept everyday with, the person that made my dreams come true, turned out to be so cold and how intense he switched from me to another one. I lost the person I loved, I lost his support, I lost the house, I lost my beautiful cats, I lost my friends that were his. It is difficult to understand how one day the love poems were for me and the next it is for another one. How did you switch the key in your mind from this state of worthlessness?
@@cRyS112 the key is to recognise that he's a narcissistic borderline personality disorder sufferer who mistreats the next one and the next one and the next one in the same way until no one gives him time of day , in the meantime you work on you, you give yourself all the love you wanted to give him and I PROMISE you, one day you will feel vindication and satisfaction as you have a front row seat experience at his demise. This literally happened to me tonight after waiting 4 years for karma to dish out what karma dishes out best, all our just desserts. You are not worthless, the fault isn't with you , he just wasn't good enough for you and didn't deserve you x
@@cRyS112 , Thank you for sharing and for being so vulnerable. I am sorry for the pain you are going through.
Based on my work with hundred of individuals, when we are deep into the State of Worthlessness, it is because much of our worth is attached to or invested into that other person (or persons, or things). This is natural when we love someone deeply and we feel they love us.
In "unhooking" yourself from the Betrayer and his actions, the work in moving out of the State of Worthlessness starts with learning to take that level of committment and begin "investing into yourself" and into people and things that are "worthy of you." In other words, you must replenish your own worth. Slowly, you will begin "detaching" from a source that is unwilling, unable, or incapable of showing up for you in the ways you deserve.
Secondly, remember that almost all (if not all) human behavior is need-based. Our attitudes, feelings and behaviors are about "getting our needs met." Betrayal is a "cause and effect relationship." Cause - The Betrayer is getting his needs met. Effect - The Betrayed experiences the impact - the loss of self. We can begin "shifting" our thinking - it wasn't that you were not enough or not worth more -- it is that the Betrayer was driven by one thing - getting his needs met.
I don't like to push my books. However, my book "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition," is a self-help, safe guide and companion for recoverying from any kind of betrayal. You can work through all Three States of Being at your own pace. And, there is much more ahead in healing after working through the Three States.
With wellness, Holli
@@mrnice7570 , Thank you for your beautiful words of support, comfort, and truth! It is lovely to see how others are reaching out in this thread. Warms my heart.... 💛
@@HolliKenley thank you for appreciating my attempts to share my experience and if possible help others heal from the trauma which infidelity and betrayal creates. We are most hurt, when most full of love for another. Great courage is required to allow yourself to trust again. Thank you for the positivity 😊🌟💛
"let go of things you cannot change"
"With betrayal, time does not heal, but what you choose to do with your time makes healing possible"
May we all heal from the betrayal we encounter in our lives 🙌
Thank you, Inet. Healing is possible!
Thank you.
Time is a big factor!
Healing is always always possible
my worst was my devastating loss of vulnerable self to a man 10 years older than me at 22. He was the first person who lifted me on a pedestal and gave me all of himself with no selfishness. He also was lost probably from losing his Mim at 11 and being alone all day while his dad worked till evening to support the family.
I’m 78 next month, I’ve never stopped living this man who has passed away. He was a very good person but was wrecked by his past. He did go to therapy and it helped him see how his issues and how to not let them interfere with his future. We all have things that could have been better. Some extremely worse than the norm. My childhood was deviating for “ME”. I give myself and am learning at this late age to not expect much from them bc most are unaware of their inability to meet halfway. “Take care of yourself”, is not just a saying. It is so necessary in this world of hurt individuals. Love yourself first. Let go of anyone who doesn’t want you. You need yourself to discover all that you can be, ALONE, without all the negative sides of people. Your company is perfect to open the windows to a new beginning. May all of you come to understand that most of us did not have our needs met and it is detrimental to our natural growth so we can become a wonderful thriving individual. Find an outlet such as a group in your community and give them your love.
Trying to make sense of something that didnt make sense was destroying me. When I let go , then I was able to heal. A fantastic explanation of betrayal.
@vivdoolan6846, Thank you for sharing. The State of Confusion can keep us "trapped" for months, even years! It's like being a cage of chaos. And, YES, when we cease trying to make sense of our betrayal, we can free ourselves from that cage and continue our healing. Warmly, Holli💛
'Cage of chaos'...that is a brilliant analogy,...can sooo relate!
I was betrayed and I must say that devastated my life, self worth, calmness, trust. I am trying to recover on a therapy. Hope I will be the same man one day.
I am 2 months out from the biggest betrayal of my life up to this point. I've been feeling like my life is upside down. I had no idea these people could possibly hurt me this bad and not feel anything about it. It's made it very difficult to look at anyone with trust.
Thank you, Matthew, for being vulnerable and sharing. I am sorry and saddened. Yes, life is upside down - our minds, bodies, and spirits are capsized. Nothing is the same. Be gentle with yourself. Turn inward. Be still. And when you are ready, begin the work of "righting yourself." I don't like to push my books, but if you need a gentle companion to guide your way, I wrote "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within (2nd Edition with the sunburst on the cover) so that anyone has access to the healing concepts I briefly covered in my talk. There is reason for hope when there is a path to healing. Warmly, Holli💙
I feel you. It is shocking to the core. It is confusing.
THANK YOU. Grief work hasn’t worked for me to help me through my husband’s betrayal of our marriage. I’ve been stuck for over 2 years. This has vindicated my “selfish” behavior of putting my needs first to right my own boat. I have healed some but this gives me the reminder to keep on going and not let my husband’s choices destroy me and our children. Out of 1000+ videos I’ve watched and almost 2 years in individual counseling and one year in marital counseling… THIS. This is the best way to look at this experience. Thanks again.
@brennanleyen, THANK YOU for taking the time to share your experience, especially around recovery from Betrayal. Your words are POWERFUL! One of the most critical aspects in healing from betrayal is that in RIGHTING THEMSELVES, people must recover by trusting, believing, and investing FIRST in themselves. And then....after they have recovered their Loss of Self (or at least are in a place of strong, sustainable growth) then and only then, do they begin to invest, trust, and believe in their relationships.
Thank you for your generous words of affirmation of my work. It warms my heart to know others are healing and have more hope. If you feel my talk is worth "sharing," I would appreciate. Warmly, Holli💛
@@HolliKenley wow! I’m misting over with your heartfelt response. Absolutely, I’ve already shared your talk. I also have your books in queue for my book club with my mom who unfortunately experienced many years of marital betrayal. I look forward to learning more from you and your work. Incidentally, I lived in San Luis Obispo and I enjoyed trips to Santa Barbara and Ventura. I could picture your sailing club venturing from the harbor. What a vast, cold sea! Glad you made the cut and made the metaphor. Sending appreciation across the miles. 🤗 Brennan
Thank you❤️… And thank you for not mentioning forgiveness, I’m so tired of that.
Amen!
Me too! I am so tired of being told to forgive when in my case the betrayals are repeated and DELIBERATE!
@@jkh3929 I think the hardest part is learning how to forgive ourselves for allowing ourselves to be betrayed. in my case I stopped allowing it, closed the pattern of abuse, and stepped out of the trauma cycle.… However, now I find myself alone and not knowing where to begin my New life. It’s been this way for about four years now. I don’t miss the chaos and the pain, but it just seems I’ve traded it for a type of life that I was conditioned never to have. So essentially I’m kind of stuck. I guess we all strive to improve something good friends and people in general are tough to acquire, especially when we’re not kids anymore :-) I hope you have at least a couple of good friends, truly good friends, in your life and you have the curiosity to pursue a different and a better way. peace❤️
Realizing finally that betrayal was never about me, my worth or value…doesn’t mean you don’t grieve the loss of what you thought you had.
Best explanation ever. ❤
and what you would have had
“I ceased trying to make sense of something that did not make sense.” Thank you so much for this. I’ve been searching for accurate language to frame and label my situation. There is grief too. A loss of someone besides myself…but separating the grief from the betrayal feels like an important turning point. Much gratitude. 🙏
KB, thank you for sharing your reflections and insight. Yes, as you heard, it is my belief grief and betrayal are separate. After I did my betrayal work around my father, then I moved into my grief work. Blessings as you continue your healing journery. 💛
I’m in the same boat right now. Sudden breakup then discovered the cheating, the lies I was told. All from someone I loved deeply and who I thought loved me. Thank you for this video!
@@MarshalPilgreen , thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry. I hope my words provide a sense of comfort and direction moving foward. 💙
@@HolliKenley your words certainly did! I shared this with a friend of mine and he got a lot from it too. ❤️❤️
@@MarshalPilgreen , warms my heart. This is why I do what I do. 💕
"Grief work may fall short of addressing the most important loss in betrayal - the loss of self." WOW! Thank you for bringing this truth to us, Holli. It will be my compass when I am in a sea of turbulent waters. 🙏
Thank you, Alethea, for your unwavering support. Also, your words warm my heart as I hear how this may serve as a tool for future healing.
we can get betrayed by our expectations too. The trauma can be even worse because this stuff can happen so easily and frequently, not so with typical relationships. Our ability to relate to experience itself is shattered and can produce a kind of psychosis that no one can understand but someone going through the same thing. Grief at the betrayal of expectations can be more bitter than losing a lover. We are always encouraged to know ourselves by forming goals, and what happens when they never work out? Who wouldn't blame us personally? We seek our own defeat. Nice KARMA. Somebody please tell me they saw this. The internet can create more invisibility than those isolation boxes in the middle ages where sinners were locked in to die
Congratulations Holli, you are exposing this hidden trauma to the light of day and millions will benefit.
Victor, thank you for your words and your unwavering belief in my work!
Thank you victor I mean papi
Try a malignant narcissist for a family member followed by lots of other people who believed the abuser. Thank you for addressing these issues.
Thank you @BobTheSchipperke, for sharing your betrayal experience around Malignant Narcissism. Over the past five years in my private practice, the number of individuals presenting from Betrayal (and thus abuse) from their narcissistic partners, spouses, family members, etc. has increased significantly. In my book "Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving From Brokenness To Wholeness," (based on a qualitative study), most of the mothers presented with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Either one of these (let alone both) causes significant ingury in the lives of those who are in relationship with them.
When I am writing or talking about Betrayal (of any kind), I often share, "Where there is one Betrayal, there are more." In other words, those individuals who align themselves with, believe, and defend / cover up for the Betrayer -- they too betray the victim. They are part of the Betrayal environment.
It is incredibly hard work, but we TOO can "Right Ourselves" from that environment and those within it. With wellness, Holli 🙌💛
@@HolliKenley Why do you think their is an increase in narcissistic behavior? What is the cause?
@@janettefaul5380social media is making narcissists out of people.. a recipe for disaster for those who compare themselves to others . A recipie for narcissistic supply for those who feed off others attention. This could be one element maybe
All of this then your health betrays you leaving you at their mercy for years before you escape. It is no small small feat as a survivor but now we can heal to live.
"In order to begin healing from betrayal, we must turn inward. It is our work to understand ourselves, our work to make sense of our choices." I loved this talk because I understand the grief process well, but being wronged and betrayed has always confused me and made me feel stuck. This talk puts a whole new lens on things. Thank you.
Thank you, Jane, for your thoughtful reply. If my message helped, mission acccomplished!
This struck a cord! I am still healing from betrayals_ siblings. The pain is enormous!! But I am learning to love and take care of myself first!
@agnesn3209, Thank you for sharing. More importantly, you are doing the work - "learning to love and take care of yourself first." After my father's passing, there were addtional betrayals from my mother which then triggered betrayals among my three sisters. So, I can relate to your pain. And, I chose to continue "righting myself., just as you are. Warmly, Holli💙
Same. Family betrayals are the worst.
@@jnnlis 💕
I too am struggling with the betrayal of a sibling. A twin. The first person I ever met, my first friend. It took me 37 years to get to know the real him and it's not a pretty picture. Thank you for this video, I am ready to accept what is and move on. I'm excited to live my life without asking questions that don't have answers.
This talk made my day by validating my feelings and experiences SO MUCH. Those who betrayed me are angry AT ME for seeing through them and calling them out on it. I’m the odd one out. Painful, compounded.
Dear Linda, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for the addtional betrayals. I understand completely. When we speak our truths, there is risk. There is more risk in not speaking them - we continue to lose ourselves. Please know, you are really good company - "not" the odd one out. YOU are free. Warmly, Holli💙
What an evolved, enlightened spirit you just shared. Yes! You are absolutely correct. It has taken me years to understand this, and yes some counseling here and there. But this message is hold. It is unbelievable how many years I’ve spent waking around with pain and anger that I could not adequately describe it really understand with the depth you just gave. Thank you. ❤
@@baileyb8619 💕
While watching this, my tears kept rolling down. Betrayal after 23 years of marriage brings devastation and immense pain to my soul. I needed answers to get out of the betrayal trauma. My husband never empathized nor comforted me when I break down countless times. You are right to say that the betrayer usually goes on in life as if nothing has happened before . I am always confused, angry and grieving what I have lost. Your sharing helps me refocused on what I need to do now-to right myself,and to get up from being capsized. Thank you so much for your pointers. Now I save this video to rewatch it over and over again as a reminder .
Thank you for sharing a little of your betrayal narrative. It warms my heart that my talk is helping you to get refocused on what you need to do - right yourself. It is soooo easy to get sucked into our anger and confusion. Please know this is completely expected. We just don't want to stay there too long. Fight for your SELF as you Right your SELF. Warmly, Holli 💙
Thank you Holli ❤. It’s so heartwarming to know that you are able to understand the sufferings of the betrayed and spoke so clearly about it. Now it is my intentional effort to look inwards on myself : I only need to make sense of my life , continue to make intentional choices on how I wanted to live. I no longer question my worth as a good wife; I grounded myself in my truths. I knew I was a loyal wife and I was not to be blamed for his decision to cheat. And moving forward, I will invest selectively into things and people that will validate my worth. I must let go of what I cannot change or control and instead I shall lean towards my work in which I can create change .
sad story, hope you recover one day
Confusion, Worthlessness, and Powerlessness - I've suffered these!
@amandaryan, Thank you for sharing. And, YES! These three States of Being are painful - but they need not be permanent! It requires we do the work of "righting ourselves." We MUST do this for ourselves! Warmly, Holli💚
Wow! Very helpful! Love that "Time does not heal, but it's what you do with your time that matters"
Very helpful and beautifully anchoring! (pun intended.) Thank you so much. There is so much depth to your words - you give me fresh hope not only for myself, with a ridiculous number of betrayals I'm recovering from, starting with my narcissistically bent-out-of-shape family, but also somehow you give me new hope for our wondrous but imperiled world. I just have a feeling that the more we humans can find the courage to do our inner work, the more peaceful and just the world can become.
Dear Lovesigns2us, I read your comment several times yesterday and again this morning. I am basking in your words of hope - "not only for myself.....but also for our wondrous but imperiled world." I carry that hope as well. Thank you for the beauty and love you bring . It is clearly evident in your voice. Sending love and light 💙Holli
Two very wise Souls to admire, and learn from...Blessings xoxo
@@HolliKenley Thank you so much for your beautiful, loving message which I've copied and put in my magic file of uplifting words - a file I like to visit especially on my more challenging days. 🦋
@@jo-annahicks3324 ❤
Yes … A wonderfully Informative Talk! Betrayal has been a MAIN THEME in my Life… Liked your “Narcissistically Bent-Out-Of-Shape Family.” It shows a Hint of Not Taking Them Too Seriously, & the Ability to DEAL w/ Them Appropriately. My Goal is to “Recover Myself & Be Happy, Healthy, Well Adjusted … As to be An Example to my Narcissistic Family.
Best Regards! 🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
It’s refreshing to hear truth rather than repackaged ideas and force fit treatments. It is immediately clear that Ms. Kenley has the personal experience, followed by professional experience, and research, to be a lantern for therapists and doctors to steer toward.
Thank you, d a, for your words of support and validation of my work. They "light up" my day. :)
Very well said 'd a'...I will second that!
Soooo interesting! Betrayal has played out throughout my life since childhood.
Thank you, LAM, for sharing. I am so sorry. For many of us, sadly betrayal has been with us most of our lives. I hope this offered some hope for healing. 💛
I had no idea what this Ted talk but it quickly became apparent that it was a message I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing your powerful story.
Deec C75, YOU are why I shared it. It warms my heart that it spoke to you. 💙
“With betrayal time does not heal but what you choose to do with your time makes healing possible.” Amazing final words to a distinctive talk on betrayal… really worth checking and learning from.
Virgnina, thank you very much for your generous words! If you feel like "sharing it out," I would appreciate it! Warmly, Holli🙌💛
I’m literally crying right now… thank you Holli. This is so eye opening and moving ❤
@@besteeren8785 , thank you. So grateful it resonnated with you. Warmly, 💛Holli
This brought me to tears. I've been living in betrayal since 2008. This was empowering, thank you! ❤️
Michalene, thank you for sharing. As I talked about, it''s up to us to do our healing work. It's how we continue empowering ourselves. 🙌💪💛
Lucky lady for having this clarity and being able to help others. Substantive, helpful TED talk.
This is timely But still not enough.
I appreciate you giving this talk in light of all.the insight you've gained from your experiences, but it is still inadequate for me,having recently realized that I've lived an entire lifetime inbetrayal. I know now where all of my subverted anger has come from all these yrs. And I especially get why the people I loved & trusted the most behaved the way they did to the point of thoughtlessness. I have worked on ALL of the advice, the forgiveness, the Christianity, the self care, the insight into everyone else,the meditation & regular prayer. But what does a person do who has beem.betrayed (& knew it!) from.the age of 3 rd up until now, over & over & over? I complete all the steps but some betrayals are different than others. When they start at that age, they can't help but define you. I have gone on to forgive & even still love, and survived rt up.until now when I'm in the last stages of my time here. But that little child I was then is still there & she still cries. She has been given nothing to live & grow on. She should be dead by now; she's still down there starved & in pain. And I've made the effort to.help.everybody else get rt & seen.them.thru to the day they died. But I don't know what I can do to help that little kid now except to REMEMBER her & how no one else saw her. Bcs she deserves at least that much. I wish I could give her more.
Your not alone. 🙌 There is more than you know - Hugs and blessings . Thank you for sharing .
@@uncapabrew4807 , thank you for your words of compassion to G. Hon. This "community" is so loving. Warmly, Holli💛
Thank you for listing specific "action steps" for each of the states. Knowing the state is one thing, but what to do about it is another. You've given me hope.
Wow... i learned more, about betrayal & healing, in 18 MINUTES than i have my entire life [53 years]. knowing what i have been thinking & feeling is "common" (alleviates some of the shame i feel) & then given such simplistic answers (well, simplistic to me -- straight-forward, bullet points to "follow" is how my brain works best... esp when the betrayal has further impacted my neurodivergant functioning capabilities). This video actually gives me hope that it is possible to "recover"... thank you, so very much, Holli Kenley!!! 💖~reWow... i learned more, about betrayal & healing, in 18 MINUTES than i have my entire life [53 years]. knowing what i have been thinking & feeling is "common" (alleviates some of the shame i feel) & then given such simplistic answers (well, simplistic to me -- straight-forward, bullet points to "follow" is how my brain works best... esp when the betrayal has further impacted my neurodivergant functioning capabilities). This video actually gives me hope that it is possible to "recover"... thank you, so very much, Holli Kenley!!! 💖~re
I just 'hapenened' to come across this video(I don't believe in coincidences..I believe I was 'offered' this answer..I believe in the interconnectedness of all things)...what a gently POWERFUL talk!
I am so deeply sorry for the way you lost your Parents..one to the afterlife, one to a Nursing home...how their choices made you feel so lost, abandoned, and betrayed.
I guess there is nothing like personal experience, to move us to 'research' answers..and how wonderful you found yours, and in doing so..have now found tools to help others!
You certainly helped give ME understanding, & validation of my feelings today...I have Complex PTSD, & suffer with ME/Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome....I believe that betrayal can make us physically ill..and your 'states of being' just make so much sense, & bring validation, that there is NOT something WRONG with us for feeling how we do...your work brings a new perspective towards healing........my heartfelt thanks.
I’m 38 and also have CFS. I have lived with this for my entire 30s to the point of being bed ridden. I also was betrayed and thinking back I now see that it was the stress I felt from the betrayal and shock of it that pulled the trigger. I had health issues before I met my ex partner of almost 7 years. But I was not this bad until I found out he was living a double life. I have never in my life felt so betrayed like I did by him. It literally made me ill and I’m still trying to come out of it. I know that CFS has a lot to do with the nervous system and when we are in a state of constant stress that’s the trigger being pulled and bang! CFS occurs. It’s the nervous system that needs to be healed in order to come out of that fight and flight mode that stress puts us in. I am 3 years post break up and met a man 5 months after my long term, he was a narcissist and was going to use me then discard me. My body was in fight and flight the whole 3 months!!! The fatigue got worse when he entered also and I even had EBV flare ups which I thought was covid at the time. So there you go! Stress most certainly plays a role in chronic fatigue, and even just health in general
Great information about how betrayal is different from the loss of a loved one. Thanks for talking about it.
Thank you, Corinna! Appreciate your feedback! 🙌
Your talk is an answer to my prayers in helping me to heal from the betrayal of my 46 marriage to a narcissistic/ psychopathic man that no one sees. Mr. Nice guy alienated my grown children, 2 churches, and most of my family and friends from me. I have lost everyone and everything. I have been absolutely devastated for the past 2 years.
I feel foolish that I didn't see the red flags or his manipulations. Yes, I've been working through grief, but it was not healing. As l've leaned upon God, I see the healing as you have described so eloquently. Thank you.
I still struggle daily, but I am slowly moving forward. Again, thank you-
Your message is spot on!
Mickey, Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. Currently in my private practice, I have numerouos clients who are exactly where you are. You are not alone. You were not foolish. Narcissistic abuse is one of the most deceptive, manipulative, and confusing kinds of Betrayal. I don't like to push my books; however, if you need a guide and companion on your healing journey, I'd like to recommend "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition (with the sunburst on the cover). It covers everything in my talk and much, much more. It's filled with exercises and tools for healing. Take your time. Move at your own pace. Blessing as you reclaim your truths and recover yourself. 💙Holli
I was involved with one for five years. No one saw it either. He was adored by all who met him. All a facade. I was lucky his mask slipped and the whole thing unraveled and I got away before any commitment. They have levels of disorder-he wasn’t very sophisticated and I was rather naive.
It takes a long time; I hope you are no contact and can begin to heal. No one really understands what it is like.
Beautifully put. Betrayal feels like that bit of poison in your system that never leaves. Some days it stings, others you dont feel it, but its always there.
Thank you.... And, I hear your point and your pain. As with other kinds of trauma wounding, the "memory" of betrayal will always be there. However, I do believe that with healing (moving through the three States of Being and doing the additional hard work of Righting One's Self"), the "sting" subsides and is replaced with a soothing balm of knowing you have Recovered the Loss of Self. *Note: In my book "Breaking Throuogh Betayal: And Recovering The Peace Within," I lay out a step by step process for "Righting One's Self." Warmly, Holli💛
WOW 😯 FINALLY THE MISSING PIECE IN WHY I FEEL LIKE I DO AFTER BETRAYAL TRAUMA!!!!! THANK YOU LOVELY LADY FOR THIS TRUTH TALK❤
Thank you for sharing! It warms my heart that my words were helpful and hopefully...healing. 💙
I just experience betrayal from a friend ( so i thought ) who lured my daughter in to betray me also. So recent and made me physically sick.
After listening to you, I already feel a weight lifted from me.
Amazing! I am done trying to figure out why and I feel empowered now to take care of ME ! A lifesaving video. Thank you so much 😇
Deborah, your words warm my heart 💛
Yes, step into your power and RIGHT Your Self✨
This totally resonated with me. I've had genuine betrayals in my life, super serious ones. Very much appreciate that she said not all betrayals are from infidelity, as mine was not. She had me right up until the end… just hate ending it with ‘you can do it’ happy talk + bootstraps.
If we're talking about severe trauma, not everybody can just bounce back in a year.
Riley, thank you. Warmly, Holli💛
I can't be the only one who has never recovered. My betrayal by my narcissistic sociopathic wife occurred in 2006. She swore she would destroy me, take away everything and everyone I loved, and cause me to kill myself. She nearly won. Had I not received custody of my 2 1/2-year-old son and 9-month-old daughter, I would have ended my life. Knowing how unstable she was (bipolar) and that she was an alcoholic, I fought with every drop of energy I had to ensure that my children were safe and not subjected to her cruelty, abuse, and neglect. My depression and anxiety are still alarming, my hair turned white, I quickly lost 60 pounds and then just as quickly gained a hundred+ pounds, and my physical health deteriorated until I became disabled. Besides taking my kids to school, their friend dates, doctor appointments, and grocery-errand shopping, I do not leave the house. I can't be around people and get crippling anxiety at just the thought of it. My ex-wife was correct about destroying me but she did not kill me.
Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing your betrayal narrative. I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered. My heart goes out to you. In my work with clients suffering from narcisstic abuse/ trauma (betrayals), their path to recovery is very sensitive, painful, and lengthy. Over the years, many of my clients were raised by a narcissistic parent/s and then married a narcissist. I mention this because with hard work, commitment, and finding the right therapist or treatment or path forward, I have witnessed how they have "righted themselves" by reclaiming themselves (and all the losses of self) and regained their physical / mental health. I am wishing the same for you. Warmly, Holli💛🙌🙏
For everyone who has experienced betrayal, this is a must watch! thank you Holli!
Shelley, thank you so much! Given your professional experience and expertise, your words of validation are deeply appreciated!
Before she actually identified the three states, I was asking myself, what exactly was I feeling when I was betrayed… The first thing that came to mine was confusion the second thing that came to mine was worthlessness. Then she started to name them she is dead on correct. I’m in the powerlessness stage or have been for the last couple of years. So that one was hard to identify but like I said, she is dead on correct.
@@creativesolutions902 Again, thank you for your feedback! So pleased the messages are resonnating with you. This warms my heart. Continue your hard work. The State of Powerlessness is a tough one. Let go of what you cannot change or control Grab hold of what you can. 💞
Profound identification with this and the strategy for righting yourself is powerful. Not sure I have the energy though. A lifetime of work trashed, picked myself up hundreds of times, keep getting kicked down, getting tired.
Norman, thank you for your words of vulnerability. Along with "righting onself" and "recovering the loss of self," it is imperative to give yourself permission to "rest." Plenty of rest. May I recommend one of my books, "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within (2nd Edition)". The process of "righting onself" must include strong boundary work, especially if we are continuing to navigate within our "betrayal environments" or are interracting with our betrayers. In my talk, I also mention how I "invested selectively" into people and things. This is also an important tool that I explain in the book which strengthens us in all our relationships, healthy or unhealthy. With wellness, Holli 🙌
@@HolliKenley I will seek out your books holli. Again, deep identification. There's a song from West Side story, A Place for Us, peace and quiet and open air. I know that place. Then selectively investing in the right people, yes! Out of all this, seem to have found true friendship. Still have bad days, but can see a way out of emotional capsize. And I'll tell my friends who have been through similar experiences
@@normanarmstrong3838 , This warms my heart. Love " A Place for Us, peace and quiet and quiet and open air." 💛🙌
@@HolliKenley loss of role and reputation, loss of being heard. Life has become a club I'm not in
Yes, sometimes it isn’t a single betrayal but ongoing betrayals interspersed with bigger betrayals. And it is horribly painful. But never give up and never surrender.
Never! Because that means you have surrendered your very self to another. No way! Not happening! However, fighting the betrayer is also pointless. They are so stuck in themselves that they are completely unable to deal with the truth of their own inner self because they don’t even know who they are. So the only way forward is to look at the situation as it really is and acknowledge it and then choose to do what Holli did. Work on the only thing you can change and that is yourself. For me, my faith gave me the strength to go forward knowing that my true identity is a beloved child of God. And we all are.
I am not loved because I am good but because He is good. I do try but there are times when I miss the mark. Especially when I am suffering.
Knowing who I am keeps me upright with compassion towards myself as well as others. I pray you will find your way to healing and a realistic gentle self regard.
Understanding the difference between grief and betrayal has opened my eyes to my personal circumstance. Thank you so much for this incredible and inspirational message.
Janet, I'm so pleased this resonnated with you. Thank you for your comment.
This is such an important talk and the first time I've ever seen it addressed in this way. Thank you for hopefully starting a discussion.
Evening TV, thank you! I've been working hard for over a decade trying to get this research out there! With this TED Talk, it's finally gaining some momentum! Thank you for the work you are doing. I watched your most recent video on the betrayals by your brother. I could resonnate with what you shared. Warmly, Holli💛
So well explained
In nov 2022 my husband cheated on me while I was sick.
Ever since I’ve experienced several forms of betrayal- employers, coworkers, friends, fake friends
I used to be a trustful person but I’ve grown colder colder and isolating myself
Dear Loreto, I'm so sorry to hear this. THIS is a lot to manage. As I elude to in my talk, "learning to trust again" - especially in others - does not heal betrayal. Frist, we must turn inward and learn how to trust ourselves. We begin by honoring our recovery work, our choices, our voices, and our truths. Once we build a strong foundation of trust with ourselves, how we choose to trust in others will look much different - much healthier. Blessings on your healing journey. Warmly, Holli💙
@@HolliKenley thank you for your response as it applies to so many of us. This talk was so timely since I am seeing through others ill intentions now like never before. A beacon of light has been activated in my core and I am hyper aware of all who have access to my time and attention. Since we are currently in such trying times post pandemic, the grifters are taking off their masks much sooner than later and I am responding in kind. Namaste'
@@wisdomdantecourt8179 . Your words resonnate with my core being. Warmly, Holli 💛
I’ve heard many talks on betrayal, but this one opened a new element that has really opened me to healing! Parts opened up feelings I didn’t have words for; it gave me clarity and language. It gave me validation and worth of my feelings. Thank you so much for sharing this! You are truly a gift!
Patti Bouck, to wake up this morning and read this....I am beyond grateful for what you shared. In my work as a therapist, it is vital to name our pain, to explain the feelings that accompany our pain, and to explain why we are experiencing our pain. Perhaps most importantly is to know that someone else "understands" our pain, especially with betrayal. It can feel so isolating and alone. Now, you no longer are. Warmly, Holli💛
Patti....ditto!
Holli, woa! You have opened my mind to recognize that my first feelings of betrayal go back to over 40 years ago and have never really healed, while having additional betrayal situations. I have more understanding for myself and my thought processes because of your presentation. In the last few months I have recognized on my own that it is well past time to nurture and give to myself, to “find” myself. I am not sure I ever really knew myself, however. I am Looking forward to reading your books and telling my family and friends about them. Thank you, Holli.
Dear Betsy, thank you very much for being vulnerable and sharing a bit of your betrayal story. Your words warm my heart... Betrayal wounding is insidious in that it is capable of holding us hostage or of being held capative by it. Everything our bodies and minds tell us to do is, in my opinion, is exactly the opposite of what we must do. May I recommend"Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering the Peace Within (2nd Edtion) to get started. It has the "sunburst" on the cover, Take your time. Move at your own pace. It is a compassionate, companion recovery guide that is filled with exercises and assessments. Sending you love and light as you discover yourself. 🙌💛 And, Betsty, thank you very much for sharing about my books. If you think my talk will help anyone else, please share if you feel moved to do so.
@@HolliKenley I already have shared your videos!! They really hit home to our family. Every family, to some degree at least. Thank you! I am getting your book. I have and am reading so many good books!! 😆😂🤷🏻♀️🥰
Thank you for addressing this baffling and dark sadness that I could not give a name nor voice to. All was indifferent in my world. Betrayal and the ways defined by a loss of self us exactly right spot on. 👌 where have you been all my life ? Love and blessings appreciate 🙏 your courage and expert diagnosis.
Josie, thank you. I read your comment earlier and cried a little. Just read it again. I'm so grateful that my messages "found you." Sending love and light. 💛✨ Holli
So timely, many thanks!!
Christine, you are very welcome. 💚 Holli
This is so helpful! The betrayals in my life where I resolved the confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness are indeed the ones that no longer pain me. I'm still working on reconciling a medical betrayal that will likely continue to harm me forever. The times I feel most at peace about it are when I view it as a tax on life. Some things are unfair and unfixable and awful. My power is in enjoying my life anyway! ❤
Bellaluce, You are indeed a "Beautiful Light." I admire how how have "reframed" your betrayal in a way that allows you not to be held hostage by it. In fact, you are free of it. Sending you love and light. Warmly, Holli💙
@@HolliKenley Thank you for your good wishes and for this extremely helpful way of reframing recovery from betrayal. I'm sure I will share it with many people in the coming years. Love and light to you, too! ❤
You two are good people. I enjoyed reading your notes. Really.
Hi Holly, I came to say thank you. Thank you so much for all the life you lived to get these words on the screen. I’m so grateful to hear your talk. I wept twice. Your story resonates so much with me. I won’t share a lot here, but I have support groups where I feel more comfy sharing openly. To say it vaguely, wow I needed to hear your story. Thank you a million times over. I love this concept. I think my inner child has been guiding me along this path a bit already, but to hear your clarity of understanding and conviction is VERY POWERFUL. Thank you thank you thank you!
Hi Ruth, gosh.... I need to wipe my tears! Thank you for your generous words. It's hard for me to put into words how reading your words and the impact my talk has had feels for me. YOU and others are why I do what I do. It has been my life's passion. I'm so pleased you have a "comfy place where you can share openly." There is nothing more healing, in my opinion, than having connection with those where we can safely "share in our suffering." The community that is being created right here blows me away! I love the support that the injured are offering one another. Sending love and light as you continue your journey. Warmly, Holli💛
"Right your self up!" What a beautiful and strong image! Brilliant talk! Never thought of betrayal this way! Thank you so much for your insight! ❤❤❤
Min-kyungkang, thank you so much for your generous words and feedback! Yes, each and every day, we have a choice to step into our power and RIGHT OURSELVES! 💙
I cried through this. Because it of course surfaced all kinds I feelings. I see this woman wrote a book about daughters betrayed by their mothers. I was a mother betrayed by my daughter. She emotionally abused me and stole most of the money my husband left when he passed away in 2012. My daughter has never acknowledged what she did. We don’t speak about it. We don’t have a mother/daughter relationship anymore. She thinks she had a "bad enough" childhood and though I’ve racked my brain for years trying to figure out what I did, I’ve never come up with anything. She emotionally abused my only grandchild, my granddaughter, who is now grown and she destroyed that relationship too. Ten years later my life is a lonely, painful existence. The one thing that keeps me going is my granddaughter. We are very close. I think she needs to watch this for she too has been betrayed. By her mother and her narcissist father. This video speaks the truth but unfortunately it’s too late for me.
It is never too late Martha...you are still breathing...you CAN right your own boat...don't abandon yourself like that...be your best friend.
This is the most excellent understanding I have ever experienced. I now understand what I need to do with my journey to heal.
Susan, this warms my heart! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you . Years of suffering ended by recognizing myself in those words . The pain was constant but doesn't have to be normal.
What an excellent TEDx talk! Betrayal - the loss of self. This is a powerful and life changing talk. She is spot on, the healing work comes from going within ourselves.
Thank you my friend! I so appreicate your feedback! 💙
I've been doing this, recovering myself, but this is the first time I've had the feelings I'm going through explained.
Dear Story Keeper, I believe that when we can "name our pain," it is a critical step in healing -- not just for betrayal but with any issue. It warms my heart that my talk was helpful, and I hope, healing. 💙
Thank you for that. I think it was so beautifully said. It’s an awesome way to look at things not victimizing yourself, but using your circumstances to rise above into become a better person, which I believe we can all be every single day. Part of life is growing and growing is taking responsibility for your piece of the pie, holding your your head up high because life has a lot of lessons some are harder than others but I’m glad to be on this side of the fence.
Molly, thank you for your beautiful words of wisdom and healing insight. I, too, am glad you are "on this side of the fence." Sending love and light. 💛✨ Holli
Thank you for your kindness in making this video. My entire life I have felt nothing but betrayal. It started with my parents. Endlessly downhill after that. My last girlfriend, a toxic abuser destroyed me. I loved her so much. Two years out, I still cry about her everyday. It's truly sinister missing and loving an abuser. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I am truly sorry for all that you have experienced and endured. I often say that were there is one betrayal, there are many. And in our brokenness, we (unknowingly) often attract broken friends and partners. I know that I did for many years. I don't like to push my books, but I wrote "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within" because so many of my clients were "stuck" in their betrayal injury. One of the traps of betrayal is allowing ourselves to be held hostage to the betrayer. It is our work to break free from those unhealthy bonds and reclaim/ or claim our worth and vaule. I wrote "Breaking Through Betrayal" as if I were in therapy with you. It is a self-help and self-empowering book. Don't give your betrayer one more ounce of you. She is not worth it. But, you are. Warmly, Holli💛
There are better people out there. Keep going and love yourself. If someone hurt someone you loved, what would you say to them? Well now it is your turn to say it to yourself. Love yourself better.
What a clear insight into betrayal that truly resonated
Thank you, Donna, for sharing. If my words helped, I am grateful.
While I didn’t realize this was what I was doing, it’s exactly what I’m doing to unravel betrayal. I was so hung up on how unfair it was to have to work so hard to heal from someone else’s terrible actions. While I continue battling the “it’s not fair” monster, I’ve learned a heck of a lot about myself through therapy and journaling and am a better version of myself. It’s made me even more aware about protecting the hearts of my loved ones and even strangers because I know how it feels to hurt so deeply. I had to find the lesson in this to not feel so rudderless, there had to be a reason to keep going. Betrayal could have easily turned me into a cold, bitter person but I nor my loved ones deserved that. At the end of the day what matters is that I was there for myself and others, at peace that my day was full of integrity and love.
Something that helped me a lot that may be useful to another hurt soul is that I wrote letters to each emotion as if they were people. I wrote to pain, anxiety, hopelessness, love, anger, worthlessness, peace, gratitude, happiness, loss, sadness, and everything in between. It really got to the heart of how they connect. Betrayal is a huge wad of string that you have to twist and pull and flip to untangle.
Holli is spot on that you have to make this all about you. Make your boundaries clear, know what your loved ones‘ boundaries are and respect them, ask for space when you need it (and don’t feel guilty!), and give yourself grace. Think often about what you’d say to a friend and say it to yourself. This is HARD and the only way to get to the other side is right through the middle. Those that truly love you will stand back with support at the ready and appreciate what you’re doing for the person they care so deeply for.
You’re important, don’t ever forget that. When it comes down to brass tacks, you’re all you’ve got and I’ve learned that can be a wonderful thing. Best wishes to all the broken hearts out there. You are stronger than you think you are, but I sure wish your strength hadn’t been tested. ❤
Dear Mey Lady, Thank you sooo much for your words! They are POWERFUL!! I, too, hope others will read this and take away the hope that they can and will experience healing from BETRAYAL. Thank you for acknowledging that the process is HARD WORK! So many times, we want the quick and easy fix. But, that doesn't fit with recovery from BETRAYAL, as you so beautifully described. I LOVE the exercise about writing to each of your emotions. I'm going to use that one for my clients! Sending you love and light as you continue to your journey. Warmly, Holli🧡🌟
Yes… I recently: PRAYED; Re-Read a few Journals; & Filled a200 Page Journal, where All of my Research - (Going OFF of the last of Meds/ No Psychology Meds., just Physical Stuff), & Cognitive Clarity Returned & Divine Guidance Unraveled My Pain & Set me on a New Path. Twelve Years of Crying, Several Betrayals starting w/an Assault that Fractured my Sacrum & Cancer Found in ER, w/ A Family thatBelieved the Smear Campaign of the Charming Malignant Narcissist EX… There are No Words! To then Be Abandoned at the Worst Time of my Life, by those I Loved the Most… I have Studied on-line thousands of Hours & Could probably Write my own Thesis Paper with one Discovery on Rumination… GOD IS GOOD to Answer my PRAYER & Show me the Correct Path out of this MAZE & Connect ALL of The DOTS!
I wish I could Thank Each Person that has Helped me through these 6.5 Years! But, ALL GLORY to GOD!
🙏🏻Blessings! 💛🕊🍃
This was an incredible speech or talk!! Appreciate the powerful messaging and love the sailboat analogy!! ❤ I WILL RIGHT MYSELF AND RECOVER!!
Brilliant. Thank you…I needed this.
Thank you, Dana for yet another inspiring talk. I love your clear, strong voice. 🌸🌷
So powerful, Holli! Thank you for sharing your powerful story and helping us to recover by helping us to understand the difference. "Betrayal is the loss of self" WOW
Shari, thank you for your words of support! And, the good news is - with hard work we can recover the "loss of self!"
Wow! Thank you on the lesson of Betrayl.
Best healing message on betrayal that I have ever heard. Thank you so much. This is going to help me pivot from focusing on the external to internal work. 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for sharing. Encouraging you on your journey: Be still. Turn inward. And Heal. 💙Holli
OMG what a life-changing message! TY
Exceptional. Profound. Original. Touching. Possessing graceful strength. Hope-giving. Thank you
Patricia, thank you for your generous words. Where there is hope, there is life.
I did not know how to explain or to understand my feelings when my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. Thanks to your insight and explanation, I now know and understand what I was feeling. Instead of divorce, I was able to negotiate a "legal separation" as I felt that I needed time to gather my thoughts and feelings. As it turned out, my husband and I have reconciled and we celebrated our getting back together by having a new commitment celebration with friends. That was 2 years ago. Even though life is better now than before, I still have this lingering feeling of distrust. Now that I understand that what I went through was not "grief", but "betrayal", I can heal myself. I had started to turn inward and then stopped. Now I will return to turning inward so that I can complete the process of healing. Thank you. Your presentation has been very helpful.
Carol, thank you very much for being so vulnerable and sharing your betrayal experience. When I am working with couples where there has been a betrayal, I share with betrayed partners how they must do thier own healing work. They must invest into, trust and believe in themselves first, and then - in their relationships. It is my experience that to do otherwise holds our healing hostage to what the betrayer does or does not do. Or, at the very least, our healing plateaus. Sending blessings as you turn inward and continue your healing journey. 💛
@@HolliKenleySuch a Giving person… All of your Comments have Blessed me as well! 🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
Inspiring and uplifting. I loved your real-life examples about betrayal and how they relate to everyone who has experienced this form of loss. Thanks for the encouraging adive on how to heal from within! Loved your presentation!
Grieving for my sister, this talk clarifies a lot. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. It has helped me to heal.
Red76, I'm sorry...and saddened. I understand the loss of sister. Blessing on your healing journey. 💛Holli
It is so true, it is not our changing view of others that is so devastating, it is how it shakes our view of ourselves that is so painful. Thank you for your revolutionary realization and for sharing that with the world !
Natasha, your words of support, encouragement, and belief in my work warm my heart! It's all about helping others to "shorten their stay in their pain-fields."
Holli, you are amazing! Thank you for sharing your story. I actually did not know the story about your folks. It made me stop in my tracks and say "oh my". I just recently lost my brother to alcohol, he left an 18 year old daughter, a brother, sister, and mom. I can say there is a feeling of betrayal with his passing. Not sure why but listening to your talk made me feel better. Thanks again, Holli and cheers to your journey.
JoAnne, thank you for sharing. Several individuals came up to me after the talk and expressed your sentiments. Healing begins by understanding what we are feeling and why. So grateful this spoke to you. Warmly, Holli
Thank you so much for this talk. So much of what you said resonated with me. I was trying to make sense of the betrayal I experienced recently and couldn't put it into words. Until I came across your talk, my mind was in a state of confusion. No more. I can regain my sense of self. I love your analogy of righting one's boat. Wishing you love, happiness and peace.❤🙏
Thank you Holli. This has helped me so much.
Absolutely hit the nail on the head!!!!
Thank you!! 😃💛
It took me so many years to learn to reclaim myself after that disastrous experience of betrayal. This beautiful video put a perfect notes to end my long journey of recovering myself. ❤❤ I love it 🎉🎉
M. Zhang, This is "music to my ears." Thank you for sharing! Sending love and light 💛 Holli
Brilliant, brilliant talk! So much wisdom and awareness I don't know where to begin. Sharing!!!
Thank you, Standing Bear Healing! Your words warm my spirit!💛
Excellent explanation the feelings you have described is exactly what I had needed to understand the betrayal I felt from medical malpractice, loss of a job and business as a result of that, I have been grieving that loss and now am attempting to 'right myself' with help from talks like these. Thank you so very much,
19 years ago, my wife cheated on me 3 months after our wedding. I filed for divorce immediately the pain was excruciating. We just moved into a new house. Had a great pool, beautiful private yard etc. I barely thought of this girl for the last 17 years or so. Then I learned her father passed away and google'd her learning. She's still living in the same house we bought together. Never re married..... When I saw her picture it was the first time I saw her face in 19 years , she looked the same as I remember and I was drawn to tears. Crazy how these emotions came back Like a tidal wave .
I've been married to a wonderful woman who I love immensely for the last 17 years. I shouldn't still be crying over an ex who betrayed me, yet I am ...
John, thank you for sharing your painful narrative of betrayal. I'm touched that you were able to find happiness with a wonderful woman. Please be gentle with yourself. Although I seperate out grief from betrayal in my talk, there are times when they overlap. Your story is an example. When you saw her picture, you were reminded of the loss of a relationship or the "death" of a marriage. That is grief. And, we can still be sad when we are reminded of it. Feel it. Move through it. And, then let it go. Warmly, Holli💙
@@HolliKenley Thank you for your encouraging advice , It is greatly appreciated
sad story
That was wonderful! Uplifting and impactful! Thank you!
Karin, Thank you! I appreciate your words! 💛
Amazing !!!! I got chills and could relate.
Thank you, Mary. We are in "good company."
Amazing, amazing, amazing! I simply can't get enough!
Natasha, thank you!!
Great Perspective! Thanks Holli! Can so relate to this!
Thank you! Sadly, so many can.
Powerful. Thank you for this beautiful message of hope and healing.
Thank you, Phyllis. That is indeed my intent. 💛🙌
Wow...I really needed this! Thanks!
You are why I gave this talk. So grateful it was helpful. 💛
Loved the talk!! What a powerful perspective. Thanks for sharing Holli!
Thank you, Cindy!
Thanj you, Cindy!
Thank you for this. It's clarifying amd helpful.
So insightful. Thank you, thank you, Thank you!!!
@pamelasolazzo2346, You are very welcome! Sending love and light your way. 🙌💛
Powerful message Holli - this is a very well constructed talk!
Thank you, Ben!
Thank you that was so inspiring!! It makes so much sense now!!
GG, thank you!! I appreciate your words! Blessings on your journey! 💛 Holli
These new ideas ring so true. I really appreciate this viewpoint and can't wait to share with those I love. THANK YOU
Thank you, Rene!
Such a powerful story! I love the message of righting ourselves!
Thank you, Embracing Love! Betrayal tells is that "someone else needs to make it right." It is "our work to right ourselves." So grateful this resonnated with you. 🙌
Thanks for your work . It's helping to heal me
Audria, you are so welcome. YOU are why I do what I do. 💙
This is phenomenal for the world.
WOW!!! THANK YOU!! Miacaruso, I am so grateful this resonnated with you! 💛Holli
This is spot on. Thank you for sharing your voice.
Janette, Thank you! 💙Holli
Refreshing perspective with supporting longitudinal research. A beautiful analogy and personal story guide the audience through their own journey of recognition and healing. Way to go, Holli!
J Martin, thank you for unwavering support of me and my work. I hold them close.
Amazing talk Holii! Your message is very powerful
Thank you! :)
Fantastic talk, Holli! Thanks for all you do to help others!
Thank you, Kiersten! It's a driving force in my life!
Are you the Storm Sister?! That story about the boat and you playing flute reminded me of the main character in a book. Amazing. Thank you for this TED talk. I felt a lot of betrayals, but the most painful one was that after my mental health diagnosis, my family felt I was making it up. Using it as an excuse. Yes I was using it an excuse, but more like to explain why I had trouble understanding some of their actions and I needed more info to understand. 1 of my siblings even said that she had a lot of colleagues with the same issue and didn’t want nor needed to understand me. I’m not gonna lie, I cried about that. Because apparently she didn’t felt I was worth more than her coworkers.