How Much Should I Share with My Spouse?
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
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Although scary and uncomfortable, disclosure is a necessary step towards recovery. But how much are you supposed to share with your spouse? Do they really need to know all the details of the affair? What if this information is really going to hurt them - shouldn’t you protect them from this kind of pain by keeping it a secret? This week’s article will shed light on some of these difficult questions.
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-Reynolds, a LCSW, holds a Master's Degree in Social Work and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In 1992, Reynolds developed and began leading “affair recovery groups.” He received his Master's of Social Work from the University of Denver and completed three years of post-graduate training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy. He has also worked at the nationally-known Minirth-Meier Tunnel & Wilson Clinic before moving on to private practice.
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After 13 years, the truths finally started coming out. I really appreciate your videos, unfortunately, after the truth finally comes, my patients have been worn to nothing. Thank you so very mucu.
The spouse who was cheated on should ask all the questions they feel they need answers to.
And if the spouse who is being questioned gets upset because of the questioning, well that's on them. They can deal with their own emotions. They certainly weren't considering the faithful spouses feelings when they were out having their good time. And if they're not willing to be completely transparent, chances are they are still protecting themselves and not you. Coming clean following an affair means coming clean entirely!
Any spouse who experiences sexual betrayal is going to experience triggers following that betrayal. She deserves to have a safe place to express her feelings. And yes, that includes her spouse. He is the one who stirred up that storm in her life, the least he can do is sit with her in her pain!
Thanks for watching and commenting @The Studying Mom. You're right, the betrayed spouse has the right and deserves answers to any questions they feel they need to move forward. Each person is different and some need more than others. It's up to the betrayed as to how much detail they have, not the unfaithful. One of our mantras repeated constantly within our courses and programs is "I'm responsible for me and I'm choosing to be safe for us". This applies to the discovery process for both spouses. To healing.
Been in darkness for so long- lies & deceit- Need Flood light on now!
My partner had a very disgusting fling many years ago and held from me for a decade. I have mixed thoughts on this video. I am willing to eventually accept that I won't know everything but I refuse to let my partner dictate what I should know. She is not the one who should be dictating what is important to know and WHEN I should know. I also believe she should have to summarize and reflect on the experiences so that she can understand how it effected me. I know she won't have the same feelings as me but she needs to experience sincere remorse for those actions and the continued cover ups as a prerequisite to staying in a relationship with me. The questions are a trust exercise for me. If she tells me the truth I feel pain temporarily but it brings me closer to her and expedites the recovery. When she gives me false info or conveniently omits key points I see her lying again which is the problem and it creates more anger. I am the only one that can choose if the trust has been rebuilt or if it is rebuilding... Just my opinion at this time. Thank you to affair recovery for all of ur wonderful videos.
Does this same philosophy apply when the unfaithful refuses to discuss any of his workplace acting out behaviors while simultaneously annoyed that I don't feel safe while he's at work?
I've listened to every podcast, read your articles and they have helped me in so many ways. I've been as calm as I could when discovering more of the deceit and lies. I practically begged for the truth just so I could make decisions in my life because I deserve that much. Still, I get nothing but lies. I had a little fire going in the fire pit on the patio back in November 2019. I invited my husband to join me. I went out to the patio thinking he would follow and enjoy the night with me. He had been sullen for 3 weeks at the time, I knew he was still seeing his AP. I figured they had had a fight, broke up or something but I knew it had something to do with her. I never said that to him. Instead of coming out to the patio, I heard his bathwater running and he was getting ready for bed. I tapped on the bathroom door, I should have left him alone, but I was so hurt. He said some very horrible things to me. I was calm and ask would he consider seeing a marriage counselor. He said "Who, Dr. Phil?" He said more ugly stuff, said our marriage wasn't worth saving. This was the worst pain I had felt to date. But then he refused to leave. He stayed. But continued to be ugly. This has been going on since September 2018 and my pain is as fresh now as it was the day I found out. It's taking a toll on my health. I try to let go but then he'll do something kind and reel me back in. What do I do? I need help because I feel like I am dying a slow death. He just doesn't seem to care about me at all. Why won't he just leave?
I hope you've found your own peace and healing. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to accept their ignorance & abuse.
I hope you're well. 🙏💖🌏✌
I'm really struggling about asking the questions. I feel I need to know EVERYTHING in order to heal. That's how my mind works. I think it's the only way I can move forward. To know it all. Because all I do now is obsess about it and I think if I get it all out, I'll stop thinking about it
Hey Anne. Thanks for watching. Did you read the included article? www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell. In the article I describe a short story about puzzles. In the disclosure/discovery process everyone has a different size puzzle they need to assemble. Some are just maybe 250 pieces - they are content with a very basic high level overview of what happened. Others, however need 2500 pieces or even more to be able to wrap their mind around it and move forward. You as the betrayed are the one to determine how much you need. I strongly caution getting details that will allow you to compare yourself to the other person. That will create further trauma and intrusive thoughts. So if you feel you need to know something that will allow you to compare, I suggest taking a 24 hour period to consider the question - journal how it will help you to know and if you're a praying person, pray and seek guidance that way. After 24 hours, if you still feel you need it then it's yours to get. Hope this helps. To healing.
Me too. iiiii ask questions because it seems MY LIFE for the last TWO years has been aLLL LIES! I need to put puzzle pieces together to try to make ME whole! I guess Im trying to figure out HOW SHEISTY & DECEITFUL IZZZ this guy iiii thought I knew (married in 2007, know since 1999) & do iiii wanna stay with THIS kinda guy?! I need questions answered. I'm less than 6 months since discovery day & it's KILLING ME!!!!
I can relate to the obsessing. It’s been two weeks since my wife of 26 years admitted her affair. I think about the Act, our memories, and my sadness all day long.
Seed Time, I would recommend starting our Free 7 Day Bootcamp - if she will do it with you, great - even better! Even if she doesn't, do it for yourself. Check out Harboring Hope for the betrayed spouse as well. Registration opens in a few weeks.
www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
@@nikital.8255 You took the words out of my mouth!
I've been watching your channel for a few months now. I wanted to reach out and thank each of you for your testimonies. You have played a huge part in helping to save my marriage. This particular video hit home to me this morning. I've been in full blown detective mode since discovery and I haven't been able to step away from it. In my minds eye I guess I felt as though the more I knew about the details, the better equipped I will be to put closure to it all. BUT.... instead of closure, it's turned into an obsession so to speak. This video has shown me that I've been holding myself prisoner in my own mind that is full of betrayal, pain, hurt, fear, inferiority, anger, jealousy and resentment. Thank you for helping me see this. I'm ready to free myself and start trusting in God. In only Him can I trust and believe that our marriage is being healed. Much love and many prayers to you ALL at Affair Recovery!!
Thanks so much for watching Connie. Glad it inspired a change in you and we appreciate your prayers. To healing.
This happened to me in October last year and I’m barely now asking the questions, getting clarification, and I just started accepting counseling. It has been the suckiest time in my life.
I'm still at the stage where I feel like I need to know what happened. I want details. I still haven't asked everything that is on my mind because I know ultimately it isn't going to help me or the situation. I just feel duped and like a fool, but more importantly..I want to know WHY it happened in the first place.
I was stuck in this very position in October/ November 2020. Today, I just had the courage to ask and pursue to get all the details, I’m about 1.5 weeks out from knowing what truly happened. That was 10 months of torture for me. I believe I didn’t have the courage because I didn’t want to know, but that hurt me by exposing myself to the unknown. Today that I know the details, I accepted counseling and I have started my healing process. Before truly knowing, I wasn’t accepting counseling, because I wasn’t ready and hadn’t come to terms. Just wanted to share what helped me accept and move on. Best of luck in your healing. I’m sorry You went and are going through this.
Did you get all your answers?
You must tell your spouse you cheated so that YOU and your spouse can heal. I am the unfaithful and the guilt and shame was ripping me apart. I was also suffering physically. I was depressed. It wasn't til I told my husband what happened that I finally started to heal and forgive myself. And my husband forgave me too.
Our counselor says full disclosure isn't a good idea. From everything I've read and watched its important... is it really important? For me it is. I'm hoping he agrees to at least to giving me some details.
If your counselor doesn't support full disclosure, I would encourage you to seek another opinion, a professional who specializes in this and for you to find one who specializes in betrayal trauma.
What the meaning was way more painful. Lots of blame and if i hadent caught him he would have kept treating me like a employee and demand more of me. I was just a tool and his resentment is dripping from his mouth. He always has a list of this that bothers him about me and will say thats what caused the affairs porn and so much more over 16 years. Then say he was not mean or angery controlling and im not seeing it right and i dont see anything from his side. When i repeated back what he says im just not getting it and he get even more upset. Wish he got help and not some marriage counselor who has no training in sex addiction. Still not seeing he has a problem. My body and stuff have been so violated. Im glad for the help. I know im not feeling crazy yet its not real. Its trama that i didnt cause and dont deserve. Thank you for giving me hope my girls. Can find a man thats honest and loyal. That there are good people out there.
On the questioning part, what if their answer doesn't make sense or add up with other things they have said or other facts?
💯💯
And/ or their story keeps changing, multiple disclosures, etc.
I feel like he was too general and should have noted that there are exceptions and reasons when questioning is still appropriate.
My spouse will not talk to me about his affair. He is still deceitful and lying and splitting hairs. He is defensive and protective of her and attacking me. What do I do at this point?
I love these videos. I watch them all the time. That said, I am struggling with this one. My husband and I are struggling with discovery 2 years out from the original Dday. I feel as though this video is giving WS a flat out excuse to hide, and shut out truth, facts, and knowledge. I refuse to live in a marriage where I am not allowed to know my husband. This video only gives excuses to WS who want to keep the truth away from their BS. My husband has already used this on me. Thank " affair recovery"
In no way should the wayward spouse be in charge of how much detail the betrayed needs to heal. The betrayed is ABSOLUTELY in charge of how much detail they need and it's the wayward spouse's job to give that information within 24 hours. We urge the betrayed to stay away from comparison questions, but ultimately it's their decision what information they receive. If you read the attached article it states, "It's important to check with your mate about the level of detail they would like. For the sake of helping them heal, it's crucial to give them the information they need in order to attempt to forgive and move on. Years of experience have taught us that most couples are incapable of moving forward after betrayal until the hurt spouse knows what happened. There is no easy way around this part of recovery." The free 7 Day Bootcamp has a bunch of resources for getting through this process: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
no deal breakers - that's a tough one for the betrayed. Which makes a providing a safe space for honesty tough to provide. But without that safe space, without some sort of safety from meltdowns or retribution - the wayward will not be open or honest. There will also be a deep desire to climb down from the witness stand.. regardless of how remorseful they might be. They're afraid the interrogation will never stop, and any truths told will always be used against them in the future! (Especially if the betrayed has demonstrated in the past that this will happen.) Some spouses by their lack of emotional control train their partner to lie to them to avoid conflict. Even for simple things. However, as Jordan Peterson says, be brave and tell the truth now because the fight later will be worse. Plus you carry it with you, biting your tongue isn't good for you, either. Excellent video.
What should I do if he is still lying to me about new stuff & will not be honest with me about everything he has done? He is so mean & angry. Please help Rick. I have tried everything 14 year of marriage and 7 hes been hurting me.
All I keep hearing is the betrayed Should never know everything because if they ever knew the real truth. They would have a hard time keeping the unfaithful around. So the only logical conclusion for the unfaithful to say to the betrayed would be just ask General questions never know the full truth cause if you ever knew it, you would be Disgusted and gone, so just keep your head buried in the sand. If the unfaithful act was videotaped and watched by the Betrayed the reaction would be much more severe, only differences they're seeing the actual truth oppose to what they're being told.
It's a form of denial on the betrayed and the unfaithful.
I'm not interested anymore in my unfaithfuls comfort. It's been about his needs up til now with out even a consideration for my feelings or the importance of what this would do to me. Now Im expected to deal with his new baby. Sell crazy somewhere else.
This was incredibly helpful! Thanks!
I’m scared I’ve asked too many details
My wife has told me every detailed question I have asked
And now I’m afraid I know too much
Can I be healed from knowing basically every detail of the affairs
Yes, you can absolutely heal. You may need some individual counseling and potentially some trauma work to deal with those details and the triggers and intrusive thoughts that come with them. Consider Harboring Hope: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Thank you so much for this. I'm ready to shift from what to why? Whew...feels so much more healthy and less plaguing. Who knows maybe it could even lead to some real intimacy.
I agree with this. I am 3 years out from dday and I did ask detailed questions for awhile. Then after a year and half or so I only ask a question if I feel it moves us together as a couple. Sometimes I have fears of his past infidelities or with how my WS is feeling, those questions i will ask.
I did have a question. Is there any kind of video on what not to share from the betrayed spouse? I'm struggling with if I should discuss dreams and feelings I have about an exboyfriend since dday. Or just discuss this with my therapist.
Thanks for watching Rebecca. For your question, it's difficult for me to answer without knowing your situation and the current dynamic between you and your mate. With that said, I do err on the side of transparency. If you have a therapist you're working with, I would suggest bringing it up there. However, there are therapists who don't believe in the level of transparency I believe healthy relationships should have. Sorry I wasn't able to give a very clear answer here. To healing.
I just watched this video and my question is how do you know when the truth is given when you've asked and you are being gas lightening
I have a question since I found out my wife of 18 years has been cheating with her best friends husband for 5 years, I've kept my distance for 2 weeks and had not contacted her. She has not contacted me either. Is it right that I'm the one doing research on how to save the marriage and should I even be the one the bring it up? I Been feeling lost these day any advice would help
Hi Elias. Thanks for watching. I'm so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in. Unfortunately, in the early stages it's often the betrayed spouse pushing recovery. The unfaithful one is always in an unhealthy state and not able to make the best decisions. She's likely experiencing an affair fog and limerence and so she's not at all seeing things clearly or logically. I wish that weren't the case but often times it is. Your mate will need accountability, and an expert approach to find healing and recovery and be able to see things from a different perspective. Here's an article to help you in getting your mate to join you in recovery: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate. Here's another article that discusses limerence and affair fog: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/an-affair-is-it-love-or-infatuation
It is about truth... Ask a question and receive the truth..I do not like this video
I’m at a lost, my wife doesn’t want to talk about the affair, she doesn’t think it was an affair and she said she is still in touch with him because he is her friend. I don’t know what to do..
It doesn't matter if she thinks it an affair or not. If you say it's an affair and it bothers you - she needs to stop.
Thank you
We are 16 months out. We’ve done the 13 week online class my wife still wants to know more details. About what was exactly said. She feels she can’t move on without knowing more details I have said details to her specific words to her. And all they’ve done is so much trauma she struggles now with so much details. I don’t know how much more details I can do. she definitely struggles with Trumatic stress now. But she still claims she needs more details. Don’t know what to do.