What Is Rewriting History in Healing from Infidelity?
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- Опубликовано: 24 окт 2018
- Samuel shares insight into the tactic of 'rewriting history' and how to recover from it.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
One thing that I'm thankful for is that the rejection and acting out started on day one of our marriage 10 years ago (of course it was already going on, I just didn't know of it before we were married).
I was 34 and beautiful in every way. I'm thankful that my husband could not ever use this line of abuse with me.
So many times we take on undue responsibility because we've gotten older or "let ourselves go".
If a husband is faithful they will be attracted to their wife. If they are unfaithful , they are unfaithful. It doesn't matter what we look like. The problem is their problem. Not ours. This has taken many years to sink into my head because the pain of being betrayed, when you're trying so hard, is so great.
“Rewriting history = believing our own BS”! Well said, Samuel! This was the tactic my unfaithful husband used to justify his infidelity. He “thought our marriage was over” so, he had an emotional affair. Funny thing is, he never discussed it with me! I was never asked if I was done! He “didn’t know what an emotional affair was”! But yet he went to great lengths to hide it from me! Why even do that if 1) you “don’t know what it is”and 2) “the marriage was over”? Why delete texts? Why lie? Why rationalize? SMH!
Thank you for all of that!!
Wow how accurate is this !!! I have been battling this for years. During my own work I found out some things about myself that hurt. I was so afraid to speak up because I would get the silent treatment for weeks at a time so walking on eggshells became second natural to me. No conversations was allowed about anything etc if he basically needed work clothes etc and now years years after D day he is flipping this around on me saying this is why he cheated. As much as I had to isn for myself this angers me cuz what he says is not true and again can’t talk about anything can’t talk about his 30 years of massive porn strips clubs and his 2 year affair my inner struggle of not be able to defend my self is making me go crazy he says I was always bat shit crazy. When I started therapy I had to be brutally honest with her cuz I need so badly to get a a safe place with in my self. And she said I am not crazy. That for the past 30 years I have been gaslit and manipulated so he could use it to justify his life and bad choices.
I'm going through the same thing. She refuses to talk unless she had some rewritten history to try to confront me on. I'm an open book, never cheated and there was never any proof of me cheating, she can't even name a person from her rewritten history from 19 years ago. But then she shuts down and refuses to talk about her trash azz affair, but real quick to bring up that I spent $12 without her knowledge. Yes $12.... $11.96 to be exact.... but then it's OK for her to trick off $88 on one of her fcuking dates. Half the time I dont even know wtf I'm dealing with anymore?!?!? She's the one missing time, she's the one with the dirty phone with a bunch of dudes in it that she guards with her life, she's the one with the lies. I literally have nothing to lie to her about, but when she starts rewriting history from 19 and 20 years ago now I'm somehow the bad guy.
Dear Samuel, I warmly thank you for giving to me the explanation of what I'm going through. It has been three years already since that daily torture started and I became really lost, I'm blamed for having been cheated by my wife, after 30 years of living as a couple. She won't even apologize, she consider herself as being the victim! Thank you very much. Michel from France.
Even with proof I can't win. Now I understand why. Thank you
Thank you for your insight into a problem I've been struggling with. The hardest part is when my unfaithful spouse will not admit that he has made changes to the story - more than once.
My wife changes her story all the time.
The rewriting of history felt worse than the actual affair, at times. He didn't just tell this rewritten history to me. He also reached out to family and friends. My neice said it felt like a campaign against me and I had no idea it was happening. It started before his most damaging affair, when he was throwing his line out. Family and friends were very hurt and could not repeat what he said to me. I isolated myself from family and friends because I had no idea what he told them. They would (and do) think I'm stupid for staying this long.
Thank you for validating what I began to slowly feel was the case. At first the stories made me feel that yes in fact I didn't realize how much I hurt him and then some stories were so old I couldn't believe he even " remembered" anything as his memory is so poor but again I felt it must be my fault. Then when he brought up an innocent gift I gave him when we were dating and how much he "despised it" I began to think this all sounds insane. The idea of rewriting history begin to come to my mind. I now see how all those justifications allowed my unfaithful husband to make everything seem that is was my fault. After the disclosure or should I say several disclosures I said that I could look myself in the mirror and admit honestly my faults and look responsibility for them. There was very little that he owned up to. Thank you, this was a great video.
i'm so glad it helped you. thank you for posting and watching.
My wife finally confessed,(under stress of me leaving) of an affair 15 years ago. It drives me up a wall her sanitizing items of the affair , 4-5 times changes to a few times that changes to a couple of times that changes to once. I remember more of the things going on then her...it is so frustrating!!!! I'm still trying to stay married, but it is so hard when your partner has had 15 years to rewrite it and to forget almost everything about it. It's close to being a show stopper.
This is THE button for me, it induces rage beyond anything I think I have ever seen. I had to walk away and separate completely to halt this dynamic from my unfaithful partner. He wouldn't go to therapy and he tries to rewrite everything that has occurred. Very sad but def needed and gaslighting was his pattern for many other topics also. Women Who Love Psychopaths is a great book if you are stuck with a partner who is stuck in this response pattern. We didn't all marry psychopaths but there are patterns that bad relationships like this all seem to follow. This book helps to face reality and is based on years of research into the people who form these relationships and why they stay in them.
Thank you 🙏. I just had a mini stroke yesterday evening. I know that the stress of all of the gaslighting is what brought it on. I know that I have life changes to make to try to avoid anymore reoccurring tia’s and am making them. I just wish I was stronger than I am right now. Anyway I just thank you 🙏
I hope you are doing better.
I found out about my wife's extra curricular activities fresh out of spine surgery, during my year and a half recovery from a broken neck. What makes matters worse is that I was on medication that caused suicidal ideation that I never healed from because of her actions, lies and gaslighting. 😔
A person who is unfaithful once has the chance to mend the relationship. If this same person has repeatedly committed adultery then there is something within them they need to work on and the relationship is not solely to blame. For the unfaithful person to make excuses as to why it happened instead of having an honest talk with their spouse before causing emotional betrayal is not owning up to their own flaws or admitting they need help. The unfaithful person feels they have done nothing wrong would need to be assessed for narcissism personality disorder.
Yep, thats exactly what he does to me. He also loves to throw at me how long ago his affairs were and that I should be over it. I remind him that he needs to be transparent about his affairs. It’s a huge mess!
i would do your best to get expert help as the expert involved can say things and implement things on an objective basis and right now, he's just fighting with his spouse, not a trained expert who knows how to navigate the situation with tact and expertise.
I Love it. Rewriting history......Shaming the spouse to justify your bad actions.
Thanks for this video. We standing spouses need a boost once in a while to remind us that it wasn't all our fault. I own my part but I don't want to take on more than that, and I would like to be able to acknowledge the loads of good things from a marriage of 28+ years. Now to just get her to participate in that professional 3rd party help.
so glad you're here my friend.
This video couldn’t have been better timing. This is exactly how I feel my recovery with my unfaithful spouse is going.
so very glad it helped and was timely. also glad you're here. thank you for watching and posting.
Lake Lady77 how are you doing now? This totally happen to me today. I was blamed for EVERYTHING.
That is what happened to me I was willing to work but he had the affair and was not willing to do anything. He was a master manipulator. So I left and he still tries to control me, I stand up for myself and man he does not like it.
Good video. I need one on how to help my mind learn that all the reasons he's been unfaithful don't define who I am. But it's so hard because it's happened numerous times in our marriage teaching me I'm not good enough, beautiful enough or capable of making him happy enough to only want me.
Sweet Mandy, I am praying that you learn that it wasn’t you and wasn’t that you aren’t good enough, or beautiful enough. You are a uniquely beautiful and wonderful creation that is worthy of being loved. It is never our job to “make our spouse happy” or to “meet all their needs.” That is humanly impossible.
If you haven’t done the Harboring Hope program I would highly recommend it. It was so very helpful for me, but it is hard work and uncomfortable at times. Being in a small group of women who can understand what you are going through and walk beside you is invaluable. Please, please consider doing Harboring Hope.
Sending you love and prayers for healing.
OMG!! My Wife had done this exact same thing. However, I have started calling her out on it and she knows she’s stuck. She use to always say we were “growing apart” or “had nothing in common”. She wants us to “act normal” now, and when I tell her that’s what got us where we are now she has no clue what to say. I am beginning to believe she made up those excuses to justify her actions to herself because she knew what she was doing was wrong.
Very insightful! Thank you! Firstly I expected this video to be about how a couple can turn the story of infidelity from 'disaster' to 'the point from which we turned things to the better' - but this was insightful as well! Thank you!
Ps: I still think this hairstyle suits you very well!! :)
sorry it misled you. thanks for the hair compliment too. not a finished product yet. hahahahaha
I loved this blog as it very thought/discussion provoking in the overwhelming world of healing. We would have benefitted greatly if you gave one of your (wonderful) personal stories to show us what exactly this looked like. My husband and I watched this and while we both know what it looks like “to rewrite history”, we weren’t 100% sure on what that looked like in healing from infidelity. In any of your blogs, we completely attach to you and learn from you more when you reference your points to things you have learned/did in your past.
My betrayer rewrote history from 19 years ago to justify her actions. Then rewrote some more history from 2005. It's sad at thus point. 😞 The unfaithful will say anything to make it your fault.
Thank you for this truth.
Perfect timing indeed
I wish I had this 5 years ago when the abuse was at its most extreme...I was good for the cooking & the sex...that’s what he told me. He told me about his affair & then left me & our 6 littles. I was devastated, rejected, abandoned. I carried the worth of 6 littles who felt the same. I believed what he said, I believed I was worth nothing for so long & he had so much power over me for so long because of those words. It took so long to fight the lie of who he said I was with the truth of my identity in Christ. By Gods grace, I know who I am & I don’t believe the lies (very often 😉 still a work in progress) & this insight into the unfaithful also gives me a compassion for the man who wounded me so deeply. Thank you for these videos, they are like a breath of fresh air and so helpful in my recovery. The truth is freeing!
I love all your videos. Do you have any experience with healing from swinging? Not only did my husband have multiple affairs but then made me go to swinger clubs for many years. I can’t move past that feeling of not being good enough.
i'm so sorry. i know that is awful for sure. i would consider emdr or ett, and i would consider doing the same type of work: healing from betrayal trauma which can be done through professional help from an infidelity or addiction expert, or by taking this course: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope you can also reach out to info@hope-now.com and ask them to push it to me and reference this comment on youtube.
Hi Samuel, I was married for 13 years, 15 years all together with my now ex-spouse. We hit our 1 year since our divorce last month. I am the unfaithful spouse and I feel like my spouse never wanted to talk about it or heal from it. We never gave each other the chance to rewrite history. Although I asked for the divorce I didn't want to leave my spouse, but I believe he was done with me. My question is, Is it too late to try and rewrite history?
How do you confront this when they can't or won't recognize that they're doing it? It's very frustrating
you'll need the help of an expert to create objectivity while also creating safety to be able to address it. as they get healthy and open up, an expert can help them to see how they do it, why they do and when specifically they do it.
I wish I saw this video 2 months ago
Can unfaithful spouses Version of history change back? My husband has few positive memories, and says it is all broken and distorted in him. He realises to some extent that it is a mental survival skill, to justify, but he just feels what he feels and doesnt know how or if it can change. This has been devastating to me. I have felt gaslighted, traumatized and like I was going crazy. I know he hasn't done it willingly, but the consequenses are equally devastating. It helps a little bit that he kind of understands there is a mind trick, but not fully. Can this heal and change?
not without expert help and dedicated effort. if you find the right help and he does the work, yes, indeed without a doubt you can both heal and change and he can find healing and truth again. however, it will take the right work and approach to do so. with the right help you will be surprised at the healing that can take place, but i can't say enough about the need to make sure you're getting the right help with the right people.
@@samshealingpodcast Do you know anything about getting the right help outside of the USA? I'm in Norway and I can't seem to find experts on infidelity. We have a therapist who Works with EFT (emotionally focused therapy). It has helped to some degree. But I don't know if it is helping on him changing his memory… He might need to start feeling some more positive emotions (not so much resentment and anxiety) for that to start changing?
@@77maanno i'm very sorry but i don't know of anyone in that area or out of the USA that would be a good fit for you. you may consider taking one of our online courses as we have many out of the country who participate in them: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
@@samshealingpodcast what are the three red flags?
Why do u not have the unfaithful feel the pain by placing themselves in the betrayed's position. Help should be for bo for both, not just the betrayed having to be the only one advised to get help. Why is not the unfaithful think of taking care of their marriage in the fist place before causing so much psin and rejection and pain being felt by the poor betrayed party? Just lusty , selfish, irresponsible , playfully infantile cheating spouses now subtly putting the blame if the trusting , betrayed spouses. Unfair and unjust!
Thanks Samuel. I think it is a possibility that my husband is doing this and not just negative sentiment override. On a different topic, I am having a hard time finding a counselor that specializes in infidelity. Do you or any of the staff have a resource of folks that you recommend in certain areas? I know of the EMS online course through you.... Does Affair Recovery do any counseling over FaceTime/Skype?
I’m also interested in this. We are currently enrolled in EMSO, but finding specialized counseling has been a challenge in our area.
very sorry they do not. would you consider coming to the ems weekend? you'll have more than enough work with experts at the weekend. close to 30 hours. what do you think about that? i receive no monies or commission for suggesting the weekend or getting you to the weekend my friend. it saved our lives for sure though i can tell you that.
Once my daughter is weaned, I hope to attend one of these conferences.
Here's the thing... I'm the unfaithful and she refuses expert help... Seems like our situation is backwards.
Do you have affiliates in my area for help?
Hi Sheena, you can send this question to info@hope-now.com!