When Traumatized People Can't Love You: Here's What to Do
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
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When someone you love doesn't want you, do you get the urge to "heal" them -- especially when you know they had trauma as a child? On-again-off-again relationships often trigger a "trauma bond," hooking you into the little bits of love that come between harsh rejections that tear apart your happiness. Here's my advice for a man who still hopes his ex might heal.
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Its common with people with CPTSD to avoid relationships that trigger them. They do this by 1) total isolation, 2) by being with unavailable people, or, 3) by entering into romantic relationships where the other person who wants or expects or hopes for love but not being able to give it. This is why it is difficult to get love from a traumatized person unless they have healed their trauma. Thank you for the aha moment, Anna. 🌸
Total isolation sounds amazing
For a time.
This may be the kindest and most loving way I've ever heard someone tell a good person that they need boundaries.
That's an incredibly high compliment. Thank you.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❤
thanks❤
This would apply to those who never been loved growing up, it is hard to feel or to express.
It was such an aha moment when you said a red flag is when the relationship makes you feel bad. 🤯 Sounds so obvious when you say it! 🙌 I should not have to "learn" how to enjoy a relationship that makes my heart ache. 💪
Yes! It's such a CPTSD thing to second guess ourselves like that.
I think we also forget...how it feels to NOT feel bad...or we're not quite sure how feeling GOOD feels. Or we confuse love with trauma bonding. Or we just allow "love" to exist without the respect, commitment and mutuality aspects that are required in any healthy relationship.
I am a widow, and for 22 mos I had completely withdrawn from all. I thought I was done with love & sex….in January of this yr, I went to dinner with some of my friends. That evening I ended up meeting the most handsome and intriguing guy who brought out every good feeling I had within in me including my sexual desires I didn’t know I still had….Upon meeting, I knew immediately we could never have a real relationship bc I was much much older than he was, For 3 months we talked and texted and I felt a thrill like a high school girl. When we finally got together, it was soooo amazing that it scared both us to death! It took our breath away, literally!!!! But a few days later, he told he couldn’t continue talking to me, but I felt his thoughts and feelings, to the point that we knew when to call or text each other and we’d say, I was just thinking of you. I was so bummed…A few months later, I ran into him at the grocery store, but I pretended as if I hadn’t seen him. A few days later, he blocked me from his social media acct, and I had no idea as to why he had done that being that I wasn’t really reaching out to him, I did send him a few short msgs before yet he hadn’t blocked up until when he saw me. But then he unblocked me and he reached out to me and we began to talk again. For the next few months we saw each other and it got so complicated and that’s one of my big questions, why or how does it get so complicated esp after giving in to sex? Sometimes I avoid relationships and remain friends with some really nice guys just so it won’t get complicated….anyway I became a bit enthralled with him but I knew it wasn’t for long Bc he was due to move away in a month or so after that. On one night I sent him a msg that I was thinking of him and that I loved him, and boom he blocked me and that’s been it. The blocking had never been done to me before by anyone so at first I thought it was funny, but as time went on it made me feel bad about myself, like I was a bad person and it hurt me that he may have that image of me and it really meant so much that he would think better of me and of who I was. Anyway, it’s done and now I sit here feeling like a creeper, or a criminal, wishing that he had just told me to back off, instead of blocking me and making me feel less than….sorry for all my improper grammar, but I hope I got my point across, so that someone out there can tell me what the heck happened here.
Hence why avoid
These relationships can only be fixed if both people are willing to work on it. Both are contributing to the dysfunction and both need to put in the effort to fix it.
Exactly.
Agree. It seems that the Narcs I know promise, but can't fulfill. Like a rollercoaster, the relationship ride is initially fun and thrilling until it speeds up, you get sick, you're not in control, and you throw up or want to vomit. The Narcs' effort can't be sustained, and they're back to doing their dirty tricks again, leaving you frustrated and... excuse me. I'm not feeling well.🤮
So true. Only one of my exes put in any amount of effort, but it was minimal and it wasn't about actually trying to FIX anything. He tried to be reasonably decent but couldn't quite pull it off. It never involved counseling or anything, though. Nothing to get to the bottom of things. The other two - one was happy being cruel and the other was happy being narcissistic. I had my own issues I brought to the table but, for what it's worth, I also went to counseling, read about it, etc. I will never again be with someone who isn't willing to meet me half way. Then again, I'm one of the ones who's completely avoided relationships since my last one so I don't have to deal with that mess anymore. LOL
I know I'm two years late but what are some tips for both people to fix their dysfunctions
learned that the hard way. had trauma (which resulted in CPTSD), but was willing to work on my issues. sadly, my last ex walked away after i stopped keeping putting up with him and told him i didn't like him being emotionally unavailable. realized i couldn't help someone who pushed me away. i've hurt people before, but no one deserves going through the pain just because you wanted to love someone.
now, i'm afraid of crossing paths with someone who isn't gonna meet me halfway. it's not worth it when they don't want help and rather sit in their unresolved issue
Sounds like “Come Here / Go Away” with someone who has to have control.
Yes, it's called *ABUSE*
The ol' Push Me - Pull You. I had a friend tell me that's what I went through with my 2nd husband.
Yes, you have to learn how to take care of yourself. When you are used, ghosted, verbally abused, lied to, mentally and physically exhausted and people around you say you are not yourself, WALK AWAY. You will never fix them if they are not eager to participate. RUN, RUN, RUN! Not worth it! Enjoy your life♥️
I’m always amazed that the episode I’m watching is the best one ever! My partner and I finally split up due to emotional and physical abuse. (He threw a full soda can across the room and hit me in the head). Never thought at being 75, I’d be in this situation. College graduate, Montessori teacher, parent of 2 amazing adults and now professional pet sitter/dog walker in Vermont. Funny thing…it’s my former fiancé that led me to your teachings as well as (TherapyInANutshell). We are blessed!
You can't be someone's savior.
But what am I gonna do with my Batman belt and all the gadgets?
LOL!
I've been treating my cptsd whilst in a trauma bonded relationship. Although its been 2 steps forward one step back sometimes, I have been so consistent with my healing that I'm feeling the best I've ever felt.
And this trauma bond has been my catalyst and I'm thankful for it x
Which therapy did you do?
@@xiaomausmi7821 internal family systems
Can you explain to me what a trauma bond is?
I have just ended a similar relationship. Even after we broke up, he wanted to be friends ... but not in an appropriate way. Round and round. The back and forth, the hanging on but never committing. Wanting to hang out with me and even sleep in bed with me. Wanting to be friends while having a string of other non-committal lovers who he wanted to tell me all about. As if my heart didn't still love him the same way it did when we were together. It's really held me back from dating other, more healthy men ... I've tried, but my heart was still in this trauma bond. I know he's protecting his heart, as Andy's BF was in the video. He's a beautiful person with a huge heart, who's been hurt by life. But it was hurting me so badly. I was feeling and even acting crazy. I had to cut ties and block him; I needed my peace back. Time to love myself more. We both have CPTSD.
I ruined a very long term relationship with the mother of my children because of my cptsd. I learned about cptsd since we've separated. Unfortunately it is too little too late for this relationship but at least I can work on myself and not ruin my next relationship.
There is a neurological reason too, especially with PTSD. The HPA-axis becomes dysregulated and makes for lack of healthy positive emotions, and abnormal emotional responses.
Do NOT blame yourself if the person cannot reciprocate the way we need. The good news is that it is a neuroendocrine problem, and seeing an excellent endocrinologist can offer possible help. More so than psychiatrists can.
I understand about HPA axis. Can you add more info about what a Neuro-endow could do Please?
@@jenrich111 Hi. They test for, and help regulate, any hormones that have been knocked out of whack caused by the flooding of stress hormones over time.
Also, there is a block you can get in the neck that resets that response. I know someone who's husband was gone a year then finally did the block procedure and was able to go back to his wife and kids. He now does regular cold water plunges to stay reset.
Stellate Ganglion Block
So many of us were spoken to without consideration. This is also why writing is good - you get to say what you need to say - in a helpful way - to others who could not hear it
When someone pushes you away and then pulls you back, over and over, it reminds me of an over-used yoyo...the string ends up stretching more and more, and eventually...it snaps.
And that string is your self esteem.
So true.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy OR, sometimes the yoyo string is your care factor. You just can't care anymore, because whatever the person does or doesn't do...it doesn't mean anything anymore.
thats my mind now. u put in work and the person has no empathy and your left feeling kicked out inside
Why does that happen why does that person push you away and why can’t I have relationships everyone my age is already dating I’m the only one that can’t and I get over it my trauma and things that have happened to me I don’t forget.
@@KingLauradinentertainment2009 Firstly, you're not the only one who has issues with relationships. SO many people do. Try not to compare yourself to others around you as everyone is different.
Secondly, why other people do things or behave in certain ways is their responsibility. Not yours. If someone is not treating you right, that is not your choice or your fault. We unfortunately cannot control other people. We can only control how we respond. ❤️
I’m commenting because your advice at 7:31 needs to be heard by everyone, everywhere. Thank you for all that you do.
That is so true. And the sooner the better.
I like to decorate with red flags.
@@Charlotte-Willow : Fantastic, and so true for a lot of us !🤣
My heart breaks for Andy. I know everything he feels.
I had two wonderful fulfilling relationships even though I had CPTSD from a very traumatic childhood. My last relationship ended last year when my husband passed from a massive heart attack. Then I recently started a relationship with a person with CPTSD from childhood and a vet. This has been a very traumatic relationship. In the beginning I thought it was all him, but because I have been working on myself I soon woke up. We are on break right now but after listening to your videos I have decided it is too hurtful to my own nervous system and self esteem to continue. It is very sad because over all we are a good fit but I can’t handle his flees each time he dysregulates. Good luck to all looking for love! You deserve love just stay open.
So sorry Andy... you sound like a very committed and loyal guy. A quality that is wonderful. Time for you to recover and get your core values back and stay strong. l know it hurts like hell, but if the person wont or cant work on themselves there's nothing you can do. l'd certainly love someone like you in my life so dont give up!!
Wow. I really needed this. I am in the same boat as Andy. And yes! I want out! AND I want to help! And it’s driving me crazy and it’s breaking my heart. Holy moly. I keep telling myself that I can’t help, and my monkey mind keeps going over all the ways I could help him. I have to keep telling myself that I would only be sacrificing my own peace and hard work to get better in order to keep enabling him.
I HAVE to respect that we’re all on our own journey. But it’s soooooo haaaard! ❤️
Thank you for your videos. You truly are my fairy 🧚🏼
Thank you for your comments and support of the channel :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for speaking on this. This particular situation, the trauma bond to a great person who has a lot of painful issues, is very relatable to me.
It's relatable to me too. As I listened, it reminded me of a relationship I had years ago. He was a very special, wonderful, very damaged person, and I truly did love him. I think I still do and always will. But I knew I had to end it, which is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wish him nothing but the best and hope he's made his way to healing. His childhood abuse was severe.
I can relate to this situation, too. I stayed through a lot of stressful times because I knew he couldn't help it (panic attacks, et al) & often apologized afterwards. He truly appreciated my unconditional love & forgiveness & it was reciprocated. But I could never get him to help himself & get medical advice, so I left (unhealthy for me too otherwise). Heartbreaking, but after no contact for awhile we became friends again... I helped him through a major medical crisis (almost died) but eventually stepped away due to family dynamics - I was physically sick anyway & did it for his recovery (lowered immunity) since he had help from them, thankfully. Was really torn & still love him as a friend, but all signs pointed away from a healthy romantic relationship. Grateful he got much needed medical help & survived.🙏❤️
If you love something, set it free...
I was in a soul sucking relationship in 2015 for nine months with someone with extreme narcissistic behaviors. It took me five years to get to feeling like I was ok again but I’m still not the same. I had lots of childhood trauma and got involved with someone (thought I was in love) that was 15 years older than me. I actually ran away from home at 17 and ended up homeless for 7 months with the older guy. I have had such a crazy and messy life with beauty thrown in here and there. I am so lucky to have found a man that I have a good, loving relationship with now. I still get dysregulated and was so for several months recently before I had back surgery in early November. I’m grateful to have found you, Fairy, on RUclips. You’re hard work and courageousness will help so many people that are hurting and don’t understand why.
These messages or advice means so much more because you have recovered from CPTSD yourself, Anna. Thankyou!
“Pierced my self confidence and my ways of loving” That’s the perfect description of what I’ve felt and been healing from.
I needed this video 3 years ago, I was Andy! I pleaded with my ex not to leave, offered to stick by them through it all, read books on BPD to try and understand. I so appreciate you saying you do believe it’s both real love AND a trauma bond, both those can be true and I got tired of hearing that my love for this person was just an unhealthy attachment due to my own issues. I now see the patterns and power dynamics but that doesn’t negate the love.
I actually reached out to my ex not too long ago because I saw a documentary about a something we both love and wanted to discuss it. They said they hadn’t seen it, so I sent the trailer, and they never responded. I felt so foolish about reaching out initially but I recognize there’s nothing wrong with wanting people who share your interests around.
I didn’t text again or try to make things go as you would say, and I’m proud of myself for that. I’m a much different person now. I know we’re probably not meant to be in each other’s lives and that’s ok. I finally feel like I can move forward and have peace. Thank you for doing this video and shedding light on this side of things.
Congratulations on breaking free. And yes, real love and trauma bonds can co-exist, but to happily...
This video could not have come at a better time for me! I don’t believe in coincidences ;)
Her videos ALWAYS come in at the right time for me. Seems like there are thousands of us going through this... I hope we get through it ❤️
I also believe there is no such thing as coincidence
For me too
This has been my life for a long time. I have stayed with my beautiful trauma bonded marriage for 8 years. I have known him since we where kids. And this resonated so strongly with me that it made me cry. Thank you. I am glad I found this today.
Andy is very eloquent and concise and very aware.
Yes!
I'm more comfortable being single. .
i am the same been single 11 years and intend on being single for the rest of my life
Many of us miss someone greatly. Us. This is why writing to & for yourself is so helpful.
Showing eachother love is powerful.
Its a skill practice empathy love understanding.
Anger with eachother is lack Of these and ultimately anger with someone earlier or yourself.
Anger is also awesome cuz it shows you a limit.
People have done this to me and Ive done this to other people as well. I have to stop entertaining these people when they reach out and i have to stop myself from reaching out in these trauma bonding relationships. Its a cycles I’ve been trying to cut out all together.
Sounds like you're "coming to" on it.
Interesting, thank you. It's sad that some people have unfulfilling relationships without even considering why.
It feels terrible for the person who is getting "fixed" too.
Because when the other person is desperately giving ou advice that doesn't work for you or is missunderstandibg what the problem is, the one being "helped" just ends up feeling missunderstood or like the other person doesn't actually like them only the idea of them.
And the stress the helper is under can just be a trigger on it's own too.
Like trying to make your parner heal is making everyone involved misserablea
Yeah I think if you're legitimately trying to help someone you have to be a little stealth about it. The ego will shut that down if they feel overly condescended to.
They can't love you because they don't love themselves at the first place so how they are supposed to give love if they are empty!
Watch the Fairy's last video before this one. It's on the topic of if you can love someone if you don't love yourself first. You might be surprised by what she has to say about that.
Hey I’m a partner that has dealt with sexual and verbal abuse since I was a child, I am seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for help ! I have known my partner for 10 years and we have been on and off! I am learning to heal and grow more and more each day and he helps me too ! I have had some insecurities flare up and I realize these things when they happen now because I analyze how I am and how I treat others and myself ! it’s tough work and some lessons are easier than others but I fully believe it’s possible to be loved and to give love being a survivor of trauma! Thank you and have a good day!
Hearing this makes me tear up on how I hurt my ex in the past. I haven't called her at all even though I want to.
but I've been working hard on it since she left because I love her so much. But by hearing this, sounds like she is WAY better off without me and it hurts to hear. It also hurts that this man doesn't want to work on himself :(
Of course you haven't called her! All you wanted is to exploit her, abuse her and leave. I hope you disappear from the face of earth!!!!!
Hey get better man ! Believe in yourself and continue to try to be a better version of yourself!
Hey im in a relationship and I’m the one that has dealt with the trauma, I have hurt many and have been hurt by many as well. I am learning to be a better version of myself and learning about my partner more it has been a wonderful 10 years on and off and I am fully devoted to my healing journey I am seeing a psychiatrist and therapist and doing the work to heal myself and grow for the better for myself and those I love!
@@icyivy2424 Excuse me...this is a safe place.
This is beautifully expressed. Thank you, for all that you are doing to heal our collective consciousness. Much love and blessings to you and all your endeavors
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
This is my last relationship being retold. Kinda scary how similar it is. It ended exactly one year ago, and I have felt the same way for a long period, but at the same time I've done some considerable healing and have been feeling a lot better.
You are so kind .
I have 'been there' but we we took it further, to far, where I just lost al my selfesteem and things just got worse.
After years with no contact, he came to visit me a few days and nothing had changed and I just regret not leaving the situation / him earlier in life before it got to 'ugly'
Dear Andy wish you all the best 🌸
So sorry. I hope you are free now.
Dating someone with past traumas was a mistake. How much ever I tried giving her love she never trusted me, never loved me fully. She broke off a year-long relationship over something that could be easily fixed. I worked with her as much as possible, I have feelings too and they were invalidated. I still love her though but she doesn't want me back.
Im dealing with this right now. I’ve been feeling neglected and like I’m dying. My husband is in his trauma but blaming me for triggering him. I love him… just like Andy, but I don’t think he’s going to be able to love me. This video was spot on for me.
Wed 6/22/2022 10:40 am PDT
Dear Crappy Childhood Fairy,
I just happened to come across your videos on RUclips - by chance. I am really glad I did!
I applaud you for discussing a Queer/Gay Relationship c-PTSD letter with the same professionalism, kindness, courtesy, thoughtfulness, & compassion, as you would from all the other letters, which you receive.
Thank you very much, it means quite a bit to me, as your response are quite normal & reflective.
I have been in multiple 12 Step Recovery Programs - since 1986. Your RUclips Videos are a "Breath of Fresh Air" for me.
Keep up the great work & service, which you are providing to all people on RUclips.
My best, L-CJ
Thank you so much for the kind words. We're cheering for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Agree! I’d never heard her read from an lgbtq person. She continues to be awesome!
the more I am healing the less attracted I am to somebody who doesn't want to look at himself in order to heal and to love me the way I deserve in a reciprocate way
That sounds like great progress! -Calista@TeamFairy
What are you doing to heal?
@@MariPasq123 somatic movement to make space for all the hurt inside, and reparenting myself in order to gain discernment and being able to hold myself
@@waheyna ❣ Thank you. I came home from vacation Monday and my husband told me he was done.. basically just throwing me away. I can feel the grief come out of my body because I cry HARD, but I will look into somatic therapy. and definitely re-parenting since we weren't taught these skills.
@@MariPasq123 I am so sorry for your pain. I trust that you are going to find your path, strength and healing through this season
Personally, I'd love a good trauma bond relationship at the moment. They're always exciting. The problem is that everyone I meet nowadays are too damaged to allow any intimacy into their lives. Its all about hookup apps with them.
Oh dear. You know the apps are crap when trauma bonding sounds like a step up!
😂
I've been both of these people. Well, less the guy that wants to heal the other, because I just see that as pointless if they show any signs of resistance, even lack of interest or openess to the idea. Openess is so important - even indicating how hard it is to discuss these issues. I have had partners who've suggested I may want to explore and resolve certain issues and behaviours. Initially, it hurt. I already felt defective and this proved it. But, I tried anyway. I reached out for help and although not all of it was life changing or progressive, I have improved over time. Just recently, so many things have clicked into place - just knowing the names of the things I'm experiencing and understanding what they are has helped immensely ("dysregulation, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, abandonment malaise, emotional flashback.") All of the work I've put in IS having an accumulative effect and every now and then, I feel like I can see myself and feel who I really am, behind all of this stuff. So Andy, if you were to never see this guy ahain, know that you have made him aware of THE most important work he needs to do. Maybe it's too painful for him this time around. Perhaps the next guy to suggest he "may need to work on some stuff" will have him dip a toe in... Your influence on his life was positive and important, it's up to him to act or cop out (too hard, no strings," it's my pain and I'll do what I want with it.") Sounds like a harsh judgement because it is also a mammoth task to undertake, but it is THE most important work we can do. Work that will open him to the world and the world to him. Everything else comes after. You've done your best and beyond, time to regroup and take stock and do your best to understand that some crucial aspects of a relationship just make unworkable. Cold comfort, but at least now you have a lived experience of what that's about.
Short term pain for long term happiness or short term happiness for long term pain. Only I can make that choice... Goes to the fear you speak about. I can't make it on my own, nobody will ever want me so on.
As soon as anyone plays push/pull, they're emotionally abusive and you need to go for your own safety
Yes Anna
That very much describes me.
I grew up with a OVERT NARCISSISTIC mom.
The abuse I grew up with really derailed my future as a young adult , and Adult.
And this is how I mistreat my girlfriend of 2 years.
(Also high-school boyfriend and girlfriend)
She is teaching me to own up to my errors in life, I grew up with physical discipline and verbal abuse.
I have made alot of behavioral progress, I'm happy about it, because I'm not stuck in the poor Robb mode.
And blaming the world for my negative life.
My girlfriend is the only person who has said I'm more like my mom than I realized.
And I said,
"I have never REALIZED..
so I'm starting to make positive changes in my life.
I'm 59 years old.
Better late than never.
Thank you so much Anna for your education for me and your Amazing community here. 😊
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
It is as has been said many times and will be said again : a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. The only problem is when others don't agree with your response, as it exposes that there may be something or even a lot of somethings wrong with the ways you or another were treated either in childhood or later in life as well. Neglect & manipulative people early in life train you to respond to the wrong things. It's a process of returning to basics such as writing to yourself or art or working at basic things such as writing out prepared responses to situations you have problems with, such as defending yourself when you're attacked with words. I must admit, i've stopped wanting to talk especially on the phone, to so called friends. When you've had your need for friendship and love used to control you since young, is it any wonder we grow up with some lopsided ideas of what love and friendship is. I have a friend i truly love, yet i have stopped communicating with him, and he with me. We are both survivors of a lot of "freedom" (absent parents) when growing up. He speaks pretty badly to me. He never learned to speak well to others. Or maybe he just has so much pent up emotion he cannot help himself. I raised my voice to him on the phone just once. He cut the call short. But it was at a time i really needed someone. The emotionally absent people in our lives is a huge factor in whether we feel we can handle life or not. Thing is, i don't blame him. I actually do understand. I've always understood. I would love it if someone understood me, but the only one who can really do that, is actually me. This is what has been missing all these years, lack of contact with myself. This is a huge thing for people who had an either violent or silent home. The abject loneliness. For me it manifested for many years as headaches. When i couldn't get a moment to myself, if i had a headache, i could get a few hours off from having to attend to my mother's need for my presence. Now, when people want too much of my time, i get very down very fast. It reminds me too much of when i was her hostage. The whole marriage and family thing needs a major overhaul. I don't even know if real relationships are possible for so many of us, due to the damage done. The abandonment, neglect...having to be your mother's mother...it stole my life energy. So many suffer like this or versions of it. It is not readily visible to those who have had no experience of it. This is why people get labelled and diagnosed and drugged. Thank God Anna didn't get taken down that route. She dodged that bullet. And now shares with the us what helps. Thank you, so much for helping people to get their lives and sanity back. And yes, Anna's way of describing issues and offering truly helpful suggestions is very skilled. This is one of many gifts she gives to others. And helps us to know that we also have the ability to put pen to paper, or put words on the screen or phone, to others or just to ourselves, to help us get back to our real selves. This really works. It is not going to magically make all your problems disappear, but it is magic in the sense that the suggestion to write is the thing which allows a person to give themselves the psychological support they needed but never got, any time they need it, by writing it for themselves. Just being able to air how you really feel about things in a way that another person is not there to reject or criticize your feelings is a huge factor in why writing helps. It just helps you get clarity and allows you to figure a lot of stuff out that has been rattling around in there for a long long time. Self-expression through art (which includes writing) correlates STRONGLY to emotional regulation - real things such as acceptance, release, problem solving, and agency. All things which are often missing in our lives when families were struggling. I also need to make clear that writing helps to clarify and regulate your emotional responses when you write about the stuff that is happening now. In fact, writing about current stuff may be even more helpful in many ways than delving too much in the distant past. Remember, your every communication with others is your attempt to contact the one person who really needs you and who you really need : You. Attend to yourself in this way and you'll find you'll start to feel a lot calmer and a lot more able to think clearly. Tell yourself the truth if you can't quite tell it to others at this time. This is the most important thing of all.
I finally cut ties with my person too. It’s difficult but this just further validates my choice. Thank you for posting this.
Congratulations on getting free!
This is wonderfully supportive, thank you. I can really relate to what your describing, of when things are hard, coming outside yourself a bit and loosing sight of what's actually good and harmonious, for you, as well as the couple situation, together... or loosing trust that it would be possible with another if we've already invested so much and really care, and sympathise with our partner about why life is hard. I guess, if someone comes back to their centre, and who knows maybe that partner might truely make the leaps needed to meet you half way, but it seems like often, it's just not right, but it could be with someone else if we give ourselves a chance.. I recognise what your saying about increasing your sense of self esteem by stepping into the integrity of that, thank you for the encouragement Anna
You're welcome!
Multiple trauma caused me to not being able to come close to any intimate contact 1.5m rule is my way of life for 43 years.
Sad. I have cptsd. But have been working on myself for a long time. I only became interested in those who couldn't give back or even became addicted to invalidation. How crazy isn't that. But know that it comes from parents with addictions. Where they are so into their lives that they neither saw nor heard me. Also saw in these relationships how much I abandoned myself. This is where my codependency started early. Being a doormat and just pleasing. But never getting anything back. Never expressing my needs or basically making my voice heard.Taught me to keep quiet. But now that's over. Make my voice heard from an adult perspective. Also said in from my last relationship. Thank you and goodbye. Now I choose myself. In front of nothing. No more abandoholic and fixing others. Now I fix myself.
My ex gf is like this, she was born out wedlock and never met her father and because her mom is abuser and emotional manipulator, she kept reminding her she was a mistake and ruined HER life ever since she was a child. This is why my ex constantly tries to get approval from her mom, and has fears of being rejected or abandoned.
This is exactly what happen between us, because I am very caring by nature, and I treated my ex-gf with respect and care, the more she fell in love with me, the more scared she became of me abandoning her, so she would lash out out of insecurity and feeling of worthlessness no matter how much I tried to tell her she matters. I really feel bad for her, because I know she is good person, and if she could only control her fears we could have had life together and she might have find peace.
However, after her I met my current wife, who is pretty much love of my life, whom I had perfect synch since day 1, so it turned out for me, but I still can't feel bad for my ex whenever I see her (we live in same city, in same neighborhood, so we occasionally bump into each other). I never felt anger towards her (except maybe initial month or so after break up), mostly just sadness, sadness for her and thought how one good person can ruin her life and feel unloved because she can't deal with her trauma.
I saw this a couple of months ago and I'm watching again - it's so helpful. Thanks to the person who wrote and to Anna.
Fairy Lady is right. It may be that Andy's trying to heal his own relationsjip with his parents in this relationship pattern. The real tv series Love after Lockup is brilliant as an example of traumabond relationships.
Analyzing people (the ex) who aren't into you is part of the unhealthy thing we do.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes, I know. Excellent advice in the video, thank you!
Hey, Andy! I’m cheering for you!
Nice!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have to realize & believe that I’m the most important person in my life. Every time I plan to leave, I always put my feelings in the background & put his first & it stops me.
I wish I could find someone that would stick with me and would understand why I am standoffish sometimes ...
Heal thyself is a daily practice. We must get over wanting a healing for everything it's not realistic. Something's will not heal but with newer therapies, the progress made in mental health awareness for 25 years. We forget the human every single time. It's so frustrating. I'm sorry, it's been a tough time. Regulation over emotional outbursts😔
Sorry for your tough time. Healing really is possible. You are right: It's a way of life, but it really can change everything.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy listening and reading the blog plus livestreams helps tremendously. It's a paradox of seeing my trauma bonds and not knowing if I can cope with them but anthropologically speaking I have to carry on and do so with less dsyrelgation, less depression because of better coping skills.
I thought for a week or two over the upload what to say to my teen self. It gave me good self affirmations to say to myself.
Healing and health really do just seem like a dream to me but baby steps to get there do yield results.
Drinking makes me sick. Now I sense the dread in addiction. Existentially I try to revert back to any way to think of trauma as part of anthropology, shared experiences?
I see that this video was released a couple years ago, and I just watched it for the first time. It's really timely. It seemed like she was the perfect person at the wrong time. Perfect first two months and then something switched. I know trauma, and I could see it start to pop up for her after a certain amount of time. I wanted to be there for her so badly. In the end, I left. It felt like the most loving thing to do for both of us at the time. It felt like we got so close. I hope that she can thrive.
Oh boy, this is my twinflame journey so far... Same story - trauma behaviour, refusing to do the work, not taking what could help seriously, distracting themselves with work/hobbies whatever makes them look away, casual "no drama" flings for intimacy and closeness (fake, of course)... Severe fear of confrontation.
The yearning and love (and there is a LOT in a deep soul connection) goes away when you find your self worth and stop settling for less than you deserve. When you learn your lessons, you are free to move on. We must give people time to grow but that time doesn't mean we're sitting around waiting. If something is meant to be, they'll come back when they've grown enough to catch up with you, if not - you don't want them anyway because the verbal/emotional abuse would still be there. And no one deserves that, especially in a love relationship... Yeah, it hurts like hell but it's worth it when you wake up in the morning, not having to worry about stupid s**t. Or drama. When you realise the pressure you've been under, the eggshells you've been walking on... When you realize that, you feel more free than ever. And nobody wants to go back to prison. When you start feeling like you again, you won't let anyone, love or no, take it away from you again. That is the lesson. You put yourself first.
Or... you could shortcut the rigamarole by getting clear and writing down what it is you actually want, setting boundaries around that, and using dating to quickly determine if someone fits what you want, before any kind of sexual involvement -- taking a long time to discern, and getting support around perceptions and realism from a trusted person should you decide to try intimacy again.
Andy is my tribe. I don't know how I became like that. But that's been my life for the past 4 years. His partner has literally reach the same "conclusion" as his many times. It's obviously just a cope out but I wonder about myself. I think my dad becoming unhealthy and me subsequently becoming more accepting of imbalanced relationships with friends until I withdrew from healthy ones primed me. I became so isolated that I was eventually starved for connection and picked up where I left off last relationship but romantically. My dad started changing when I was in my preteens. I used to be so intolerant of people mistreating before and up until that time. I could let someone go and feel sad but know it's what I needed. Now I hang on until I'm exhausted and let go out of fatigue.
Great listen to your video. It explains a lot about my friendship.with Cyndi. She has to want help and get off the alcohol and opioids. Yes it needs to be educated on to work in peace and harmony. Later.
Pray to God he can heal the person.
I very much hope YOU heal Dan. You've suffered enough.
Oh wow! Thank you for this. I'm involved and dearly love a man who has Complex ptsd as I do. So it's so super weird because I'm trying my hardest to heal through EMDR etc and I wish I could help him, just with all the things I've been learning. We've just had an intimate relationship for 7yrs. I don't know why I can't just say no when he calls. It's quite opposite, I drop everything and run when he calls. He says he doesn't want to be in a Codependent relationship. My question is why can't I say no and move on and try to find someone who loves all of me and 100%. I don't think he's capable. I'm heartbroken right now as I was with him last nt and he just doesn't get it. I don't believe there's anyone else for me that will be all in like I choose to be at 55yo. Any advice?
I’m in the same boat. We have anxious preoccupied attachment style which is due the inconsistency we received in our upbringing and we feel love has to be earned or if we can get this unavailable person come to around it’s in some way making up for the invalidity we received from our care takers. I was in the same boat. Spend 3 years with this emotionally unavailable person suppressing all my needs in fear of suffocating him and driving him away,he left me last week broke up over text.
I was so utterly devastated and felt more pain and anger than when my parents died.
Talked to a therapist who said I feel that intensely because I had abandoned myself suppressing everything about me to make him happy for fear of abandonment and he left you anyway and you always knew he wasn’t good for you.
We have to work on our inner child and lean not to loose ourselves and set our boundaries or we keep repeating this dating pretty much the same person over & over again. I’m turning 50 next month and even though I feel what’s the point now I guess better late than never.
Self worth, dear one. A woman who knows her worth won't run for any man. She lets men come to her. She's magnetic, she pulls, not chases. Never chase anyone ❤️
And he will never understand because he doesn't see your worth as long as you "drop everything and run to him". If you had a friend who did that, what advice would you give her? He's simply taking you for granted - he calls, you're there. Because you don't think you deserve more. I learned it the hard way. There has to be reciprocity. Please don't settle for someone who just calls you when they need something or are horny, and who doesn't even want to have a relationship with you. And he's right not to want to have a codependent relationship. It would be if we don't know our worth. And you don't need to show him your worth. Know it and show it to yourself!! It will change everything.
You're worth much more than being treated like that.
Hi Rhonda! I can say I'm in the same boat as you. I'm working hard on my cptsd to try to give myself the self care and self love I didn't receive from my parents. But when I meet a person that seems remotely interested in me I become obsessed. I want to impress, to seduce, to make him like me and stay with me. And I do that too much that I lose myself. That is a sign to me that I have unmet needs of self connection in those moments and the man becomes very tempting because is feels like the easy way to meet those needs. My inner child is like "I don't have to try so hard to learn to love myself when it's so easy to delegate that task to a man". So my inner child needs my adult self to show up and help as best it can to self connect, self validate, self care etc etc. I just have to let go of that child's deep desire that someone else has to do that for me and not myself. I'm not sure anything I've said apply or even makes sense to you but know that you are not alone in this! *Sorry verrry long reply! :) :)*
Edit: And another thing that applies to me, is that my inner child will seek people to change. So my parents were never there for me, with their abuse and neglect I didn't feel like I could influence my parents to take care or me. But I tried very hard as a kid to convince them that my needs are valid or that I'm not a bad kid I just have unmet needs. Of course I didn't succeed, but I had to try as a kid, my survival depended on my success. So now as an adult I unconsciously still try my darnest to change people, this is my default setting. I can't help that this my first idea that comes. It comes with anger and rage and feelings of helplessness. So I need to be *very careful not to act* on my impulse of trying to change people.
Because I've end up in fights with unavailable "boyfriends", or tried to impose my will on anxious coworkers to act differently, or last one was me yelling rageful insults at my upstairs neighbor because he "dared" to turn the music up and wasn't interested in turning it down. Of course for my inner child there was always the agenda to trying to change people, only it started mild with choosing unavailable people and pretending that I don't need them to be present, to becoming obsessed with them to ragefully giving up on the relationship - burn bridges style. But all this after I tried everything to try to change them. End goal is that my inner child would have a small victory that indeed my mother could have changed if I tried hard enough. But it's so much pain in my life. I want to let go of changing others because my survival doesn't depend on it anymore. I can be the one that shows up for myself, as best I can and the other people can be as they are. I allow myself to be as I am, and I accept that other people can be as they are. My only decision is to accept them as they are or move on.
@@LeMacMac thank you for taking the time to write this,yes I’m the same exact way. I have decided not to date anymore till I’m over my fear of being alone and heal my inner child.It will be tough as I’ve never done that in my adult life but the pain or trauma bond to be exact that I’m going through now gives me the determination to do so. Do not want to repeat this one more time.
@@LeMacMac Thank you so much. I totally resonate with all of you. I've been single since 2005. That's a long time. I feel I was meant to be a good wife and a great Mom. I've got to heal!! I'm currently in EMDR and having breakthroughs but I'm ready to be who I was meant to be. It just doesn't happen that easy. 😔
I truly appreciate you all for sharing. Thank you ❤🧡💙
thank you.
needed to hear that 8 years ago.
better late than never....
I find it easier to be just friends with the opposite sex due to my trauma and some bad dating experiences...
It is hard for me to trust due to my past but I know that if I could find a relationship it could be a great and healing experience ..
I lived an Andy situation with my guy. Thank you both, You helped me a lot today.
I haven't watched the video and I'm not gonna do it.
If he is traumatized and not able to love me, I just walk away. I'm fed up with people having stuff to heal.
I am at that point in life where I want/need someone healed already.
I am not psychologist, therapist, counsellor for anyone anymore.
I've done my work and healed a lot about myself, I need someone with similar level of self awareness as mine.
What a sweet man!
Sounds like he may be doing all the leg-work for someone capricious, who knows he'll go the extra mile, and is throwing himself overboard, knowing he'll be rescued. Not symbiotic.
Projection?
I believe my ex and I trauma bonded. We went to couples therapy and I felt like crap after each session and he wouldn't go to therapy on his own. It didn't get any better after I got therapy and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. We were in a relationship for seven years, and he started dating only 2 months after we broke up. I waited almost a year and worked on my self before I began another relationship.
I needed this. Thank you.
Glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
*NEVER ABSOLUTELY NEVER TRY TO FIX ANYONE!!!!! THEY DON'T WANT TO BE GOOD, THEY BENEFIT FROM THE ABUSE*
Hmmm. Sounds like you speak from a bad experience!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy VERY bad. Never felt so *exploited* in my life... it was nearly two years ago... I'm still trying to heal. Thank You for your wisdom, great channel. Be well
I actually have the issue of not being able to love. Been diagnosed with CPTSD..
Then you have totally come to the right place. Take heart!
Same.
At this point I really starting to believe that I am not even a human being.35 and I never loved anyone.I think I am insane I really do.
My gf of 3 yrs left to go bk to her abusive dead beat baby daddy….WE I thought were happy till this dude moves bk after his new baby mama put him out for cheating then he unblocks my gf starts contacting to see their daughter again after I took care of them the past 3 yrs,now she’s gone,wth!!!!!
thank you so much for this message
You're welcome!
You can not actually fix or save anyone ,I shared the same story.
Yes
I can never love RR and NN the way i loved my ex
because its shattered completely
I can only give shards of what I gave to her...
😭😭😭😭😭
I know this is about romantic relationships but it reminds me of my relationship with my mom. She was never abusive but mostly an inconsistent figure in my life and wasn't able to parent effectively. I've now learned she definitely shows signs of CPTSD herself.
Is trauma bonding with a parent a thing?
100%
My ex was Borderline Personality Disordered. You cannot fix them.
Nope.
I'm with a co-dependent partner I've told I don't want to be with anymore, who has done all the hurtful things they promised they wouldn't after telling him my life story,. I'm raising three kids on my own because he's a mental child and gets offended when I pull away and don't want to be touched. I just want to be alone and can't trust anyone. he won't leave and its made me highly vigilant and angry. I feel the only patience and love I have is for my children, but I'm afraid my fear and overproduction will not be good for th kids, but they are autistic so they need the extra help. Their dad is more focused on our relationship after being kicked out by the law than he is for our kids. we been together going on 9 years and I've wanted out for about 6 years ago. I feel trapped and just accept this is it. life locked in my home, anxious of a knock on the door, not wanting to be around anyone.
How do you handle yourself when you're a very visual person (I'm an artist), and you need a physical attraction to a potential partner as well as emotional and intellectual attractions? His physical presence is the FIRST thing I experience of a potential mate.
Ive had something so similar to this recently. It hurts and I feel like a bit of a shell at the moment. Hoping for that sense of self respect back soon...!!
It only hurts for a little while... I'm 37 years old, and women don't stick around for more than 1 season.
I clicked because I have a problem myself - I can't really love or feel anything for my family.
There is only fear and discomfort at rare contacts.
Though childhood has passed, and it's not like there are fights between us or anything.
Being abused by my mother set the tone why I struggle so much with woman. She wasn’t in a healthy relationship with my father (who’s also quit toxic)but fears to leave him. They are still together but it didn’t teached me healthy female/male dynamics! Yes i had 2 longterm relationships with woman but i got my heart crushed many times. Especially when i was much younger! Got laught at expressing my feelings, got shamed for expressing my sexuality, got cheated upon me right in front of my eyes. A few times i got betrayed by friends who hooked up with the girl i was with… it’s not abnormal that I’m single for almost a decade, could be longer… I don’t know jf I’ll ever date again because the dating world is really toxic as hell! Maybe its my perception although i hear lots of videos in which they also admit that it is a pain in the ass these days due to social media. Anyways. I hope i find a way to to trust again.
We understand as few others can. You may find Anna's course on dating helpful, here's a link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF-Dating
We're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
What if the one came along and they pushed you away?
A emotional mature, caring, man that really loves her and it was too much and she pushed me away?
Oh god i am in this situation, i have my trauma, he has his, we are both in individual therapy but it can still get so chaotic, i don't know if it is him or his trauma talking sometimes. We both are patient trying to heal so we can love each other right but it can get exhausting. I have some hope cause atleast we are self aware about it. Please pray for us, i love him so much.
Resonates! Thank you!
People are trying to do these rescuing without being supported by a therapist. This way their exposing themselves to being abused...
It doesn't matter they suffer from trauma, that doesn't give them any right to mistreat you. Also closing to intimacy will only give him what he wants while she loses herself in a non commited relationship, don't accept that, seek help...
I didn't know people can rescue others, with or without a therapist...
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy If they are already in a dysfunctional relationship, as long as they are guided by a therapist they can redirect their behaviour to not get influenced into getting dragged in the dysfunctional thinking of the other person and his own issues, real or invented. This basically consists of being assertive, setting boundaries. Like for example she can say she is just not interested in having intimacy in a non commited relationship, but they can be friends instead, then is up to him to work on that or leave...
But people are scared to step up for themselves and setting boundaries. Most of us were not properly raised to have healthy relationships, regardeless of any trauma suffered in childhood.
Love is an illusion.
Sounds like CPTSD talking...
Yep, agreed.
Thanks for helping.
What if you're at the point where you want nothing do with anyone due to an ex partner that has gaslit and emotionally abused you? I mean, I've been living with him for the last 16 months because I have nowhere else to go. He uses my lack of money and housing to make me cook and clean for him knowing that my disability funds cant support me and if I fight back he brings up the housing. He knows It's this or a shelter. Even my social workers are telling me to stay here because it's safer. This is after having him cheat on me multiple times, controlling how I dress and spend my money, and cutting me off from intimacy over the past 10 years. I'm not even the same person anymore. Why is this ok?!? I'm so tired.
Not okay at all... I hope some solutions present themselves and you get a chance to get out of this situation.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Am I wrong for saying, “ I never asked for this?” were my good intentions a trail to my locked-away trauma? I’m trying to balance being a good person and not getting taken advantage of. It’s hard when YOU DO ❤ someone, but do I owe someone an explanation when I know it could be used for ammo?
Ohhhhh, the fine lines we walk.
I appreciate y’all perspective in the comments and to (the crappy childhood fairy 🧚♀️)
Well done 🙏
These comments make me feel sad. I have cptsd and was in a very healthy happy relationship until my traumas happened. I regret the choices I made at that time that ended my relationship I miss him every single day. Instead of him I chose isolation but that’s made my mental health so much worse. I’m scared of what the future holds and although I journal and try and do breathwork when I can and belong to a support group none if it feels like healing to me. It’s not enough
What would be a good way to bring up the suggestion that someone might need healing work? I mean specific wording. When I’ve tried I’ve felt like I’ve either imposed my view too much, or have been too vague and careful.
I don't recommend telling other people what they need...
The worst thing I ever did was asking him if he ever tried meditation… and sent him a link to a meditation blog about sobriety. It set him off and he couldn’t even speak to me he was so angry. I never tried to help him again.
(But unfortunately he got to see me beg for his forgiveness and offer to do anything to make it up to him… which opened the door for him to emotionally abuse me. I had no idea our dynamic was leading to that.)
@@bitchenboutique6953 I don't know either one of you, but here's a video with some insight about what that might feel like from his side of the equation: ruclips.net/video/NgpF_1JjemU/видео.html