This was the most useful thing I've come across in a year of reading and therapy. Excellent. It really connected the dots between Porges/Van de Kolk's theories, therapy and the basic emotions felt during trigger events. Thank you. And I love your series. Really helpful.
In my toxic family as long as I submitted to everyone in the family, I was considered good. Anytime I stood up for myself I was told that I was wrong or bad. I am the scapegoat of the toxic family. I finally went no contact because these dysfunctional patterns will never change. Abusers don't change!
Every time my mom and I have a good day, any time my dad will answer a question clearly or even reply to hello...I feel like we turn the corner. A day or two later, when I am in the middle of a drunken fight, I forget why I am still here. I don't know how to leave.
@@forbiddensilhouette5824 It's hard but you have to reach the point where you are done with magical thinking and accept that you deserve better and that is not something you will get from them. Therapy can also help with putting up boundaries if you aren't ready to go no contact. Additionally there's books about going no contact with dysfunctional dynamics. I don't remember any books right now but the one book, "Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker has a lot of insights and resources if you haven't read that.
@@jclyntoledo thanks yes - magical thinking. Also the adult siblings- magical thinking that I could lead by example- that is treat people decently. I have that book, amongst others! Also I’m in my 50’s and so many comments I see from people my age- I’ve been at this “recovery” since my early 20’s. RUclips, internet and access to people like Patrick has been and is so helpful. So all you younger ones out there, hang in- healing happens 😊
Yes! Wow. Same. As long as you comply you’re acceptable and even “praised”. I would have never seen it had another minor not been involved recently. I had to take a firm stand on her behalf. My parents and siblings no longer speak to me and even advocate for the abuser. You can’t make sense of things like this. It’s sincerely mind blowing.
“Someone being mad at you” is definitely my childhood trigger. The fear of it is why I work so hard. It’s like a shadowy monster that’s always chasing me that I attempt to outrun by keeping up with the needs of others around me (boss, family, etc)
And sometimes, I am like....oh good...I'm ready to be mad right back., hence my fight response. Somebody was ALWAYS mad at me. I think I just got sick of it.
I am very sensitive to being gaslighted. I react with anger when I sense someone is trying to manipulate me and playing mind games with ambiguous lies. I hate being lied to and will flee that relationship, without asserting myself.
I was raised in a very Christian household and taught that I was a sinner from very young. I was punished for "selfish" or "thoughtless" acts before I could understand why. I became very good at tuning out fading into the background. I was a chameleon for anything my parents wanted. I never felt repressed because this response is so automatic. I thought I had a fine childhood. Today I'm diagnosed adhd and a very talented people pleaser. But I'm finally ready to start living for me
Ex: saying no Ex: partners mood Ex: ambiguity Ex: thoughtless oblivious people Ex: feedback Step 1: Am I triggered? Mindful noticing in the here and now Step 2: Is the trigger energy up or down? Step 3: What is my knee jerk reaction when triggered? Step 4: What was my survival strategy growing up? Flight Fight Freeze Shame Attach Step 5: Connect the trigger to your childhood Step 6: Separate and reclaim the present
This is thoughtful and helpful to those of us stuck in overwhelm with spinning wheels. Solving more problems than one creates is my embraced purpose for living. I believe this happens best with small, selfless and inspiring actions, such as organizing and sharing what you have learned in a new and helpful way. Thanks for this.
This is great! I have worked out my huge problem is that my “default setting” is “Nobody likes me and I’m never anybody’s priority” (obviously from my critical and neglectful parents). I get hugely triggered when anyone lets me down; for example they say we’ll meet up, then they cancel) I totally lose it! My heart races, I’ll probably cry, have a panic attack, so at first it’s up, but that quickly turns into down energy as you described, feeling worthless, ashamed, confused, devastated inproportionately to the situation. Then I’ll totally withdraw, hide from the world, spend days in bed, assume all humans suck. I find it hard to pull myself out of this state. I have taken this survival tactic to such a huge extent that I now live completely alone as a nomad in my RV so I can “disappear” regularly as that feels like the only “safe place”. I also have autoimmune Rheumatoid Arthritis because for so many years my body did indeed “Keep the score”. Childhood trauma ruins your health!
Hello Lisa, As well as Patrick's work, I really recommend Irene Lyon and her nervous system regulation work to you. It can really help with the physical symptoms resulting from trauma, re-regulating the nervous system and reprogramming our responses to stress.
Fibromyalgia sufferer here. I can attest to that. My neglectful, resentful family system fucked up my health. Even if I were inclined to give my disgraceful father the grandchild he wants... never happening so long as my body reacts painfully to absolutely everything. Sorry old man... but due to your crap parenthood, our cursed bloodline dies with me. Bottom line: crappy parents are unworthy of both their children or grandchildren until they actually show an effort to change.
Patrick, You've become a cornerstone in my healing. I think about your content all the time and have been inspired to utilize your techniques in my relationships and engagement. I've seen nearly all your videos and recommended them frequently to everyone I care for. I am so thankful you are here to give voice to the conflicts and craziness that goes on in all our heads. Thank you for the work you do and thank you for conquering your own trauma so that you can be here to help us conquer ours!
This is one of the reasons I love the internet. There are dark sides of it, but it’s fostered such wonderful communities like this and allows people like Patrick a free platform to share his wisdom and tips. I too am grateful because it’s mind opening how much I’ve suppressed because I believed I wasn’t in that bad of a situation, but I totally was. My dad is a textbook narcissistic and my mom enabled his behavior, I and my brother suffered a lot of emotional abuse and were forced to figure out life and independence at quite young ages. Crazy how things can affect us so young. It wasn’t until I found this channel and community that I was able to admit that. I’ve completely pushed my parents away for the time being too until I’m ready and I’m healed. I love that talking here I feel everyone gets that, there’s no guilt or shame even though part of me still feels it.
Patrick, you’re one of the only therapists I like because your don’t make childhood trauma survivors feel more broken. There’s plenty of people posting on Instagram and it’s just post after post implying that we will always be this way and we need to do it alone. It’s so infuriating! Thank you for your understanding and all the tools your provide
I’m just now beginning to realize how the emotional neglect I faced growing up has effected me. It’s actually crazy, and really sad. These videos help a lot ❤️
I am in the same boat as you... Took me until well into my 30s before I realized my main issue wasn't an eating disorder. The eating disorder was simply the way I coped with the traumas in childhood. I've been in recovery for a few years now, but the healing work is lifelong. Good luck to you, and I wish you well in your healing journey.
@@strkravinmad YES! same boat! it was a major mind-blower to realize the 10+ years i spent in eating disorder hell were at their core about the severe emotional neglect and abuse i suffered! NOT food and NOT my body! hyperfocusing on those things were just a way to cope, and to hopefully “earn love” 😢 sending healing love and compassion for you me and everyone going through this. ❤
same. I had one very negative/cynical parent (obvious severe CPTSD case, I now see), who would without thinking just automatically put me down as they did with everything else. My older sibling sometimes copied this behavior (later killed himself at 40 years old). My other parent was a "perfect" stiff upper lip type who to this day feels like a method actor that can't admit the play has ended because they are scared of what they might really be
I think I just realised how much of my teens and 20s was spent in a triggered state.👀 Thank you for your continued healing work Patrick! I wonder for a future video if you'd consider covering the trauma of gifted child expectations and pressure? Very insidious influence carried into adult life and messes up figuring out authentic identity and goals.
"Oh, you're gifted! You will get this without extra instruction." "Haha! You did the assignment this way? What did you do that for? Just do what we tell you, you don't have to think about this extra stuff." "But you're gifted ... Why did you take the full time for this test (worried about doing it perfectly)?"
Oh man..you completely nailed the dynamic between my sister and me. All this time I thought my overly cerebral essays written in response to my sister’s shaming emails was the “adult” response…🤦♀️
When he said overly cerebral essays, I actually chuckled because it was so me! Much of my adulthood, I was convinced that if I just made sense of it logically, everything would be okay. But of course that's not real life.
My most inexplicable reaction happened when I went to court to defend a traffic ticket. The minute I got into the courtroom and sat and watched others go through their paces with the judge, I sat there pushing back sobs. I had no idea why I was crying except that I felt a horrific fear of my turn coming up and having to go up and defend myself to the judge. I am not emotionally weak. Something about the authority/offender role was getting to me big time. I continued my crying in front of the judge, in spite of the fact I did everything I could to stop crying. It was impossible. I just couldn't stop.
I grew up in fight, flight. My alcoholic mother, verbally abusive and we fought physically then I ran away. I remember from about 6 or 7. I became a people pleaser. Chose abusive partners. No one ever got me. I did not know any of this. THANK YOU, Patrick, for helping us understand. At 66, my body does not like the trauma anymore. I stopped running but am just now learning the why and how to change.
When I watch your videos the first thing that always comes to mind is " He totally gets it" . You explain things so clearly and with a totality that not only makes what you're saying relatable but more importantly doable. In the past I've had therapists suggest things but never came away with a full understanding of why I was doing them or where this stuff was even coming from which makes it impossible to get into the habit of re working things when you can't recognize them and with the speed at which they come at you there's no chance. Without all the pieces my perspective was why the hell am I going thru this bs process when that jerk at the store should just learn some freaking manners. Patrick , you always wrap things up in a nice.neat little package. A gift, per se and I Thank You.
Yes! I second that: you totally get it, and speak from lived experience. That is why what you teach and how you teach it is so helpful! You are one of us!
I went through the steps as I watched the video. When I was in elementary/middle school I was bullied for being Japanese. For peers of the same age I reacted with fight, arguing and standing up for myself by being loud and forceful. For people older than me I couldn’t do that, nor could I run away even though I wanted to, so instead I had a freeze response. Nowadays I see this mix of fight and freeze in my triggers. If it’s not a big deal I’ll fight. If it’s a big scary situation I’ll freeze. Very illuminating.
Wow! I'm sorry you went through that. When I was in elementary school we were bussed in Virginia. I was in a fourth grade class and there were only two Caucasian kids in the class. I got beat up everyday. One time drawing blood and scars. I definitely froze. I was not taught self defense and was completely outnumbered.
@@kathymc234 sorry you were both bullied for your race. I was bullied even though we were all the same race. There was no obvious reason why I was being bullied. 😢😢😢
Wow this is helpful. I’m realizing my trigger is being asked to do too much at work. I feel overwhelmed like I did as a kid when my parents expected too much from me at a young age. I’m not always wrong about being mad but my reactions are always over the top and never very professional. It’s something I always feel very ashamed do afterwards and now I understand it’s based on my childhood trauma.
SAAAAMMMEEEEE or when I have to stay late, i immediately feel like everything is out of control and I have control over what will happen to me…….unfortunately it’s a little embarrassing at work!! I try so hard to shove the response way down, but sometimes I “lawyer up” lol and flip out on them….
You know, this RUclips vd might change my life. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The stuff you said about wanting to fight was spot on 😓. My memories from my childhood are coming back. Sometimes before I’m about to sleep and it makes me angry. Why did that have to happen to me? I was only a child??? And what really kills me is how my childhood experience is different from my step sister’s . I don’t wish what I went through upon her. But my inner child screams when similar stuff happens when it happened when I was a child, and my mom’s reaction is different. She takes pity in her (is that how you say it In English?) while she saw me as this child that’s about to become a monster Bc of how my biological dad was to her. Their relationship was abusive but what did that have to do w me. Why couldn’t she me as a child and not HIS child that has to be changed or else I’m a bad person just like him. She didn’t see me for who I was and my needs weren’t seen or heard the way it should have. I wonder a lot how I would have turned out to be like if she was there for me how I needed her not thinking I need new stuff after she hit me. I admit I was maybe a difficult child but still......I’m sorry if this was too long.
Noah, YES! It was a revelation for me too to realize I had a different childhood from my sibling tho we grew up in the same house and spent a ton of time together. I never realized until my 50s that the way my mom treated me was bc I was more like my dad’s side of the family. It initially made me angry, and then I came to see that it meant it was my mom’s issue, and wasn’t really about who I am deep down after all. Very freeing.
You deserved so much better, Noah! This can be your time to be the best parent ever to yourself. I’m almost 40 and I buy myself an embarrassing amount of glittery stuff bc I’m basically spoiling my inner child these days. I also do so so much loving internal monologue, telling myself things I never heard as a kid. It feels really nice and I only cry sometimes lol
Same. I am learning to think it thru and responding with training. I work in healthcare, I know the basics. As a traveler working in different facilities, I need to ask for their specific requirements in situations such as who i have to notify in case of a death e.g. person was on hospice. And often, it is assumed I don't know what to do at all. 😠
For me personally, it's easy to know if something triggered me because I have an emotional flashback, sometimes coupled with age-regression, characterized by me saying things that are seemingly nonsensical to outsiders but actually apply to the traumatic memory that I'm having a flashback to. Sometimes, I even call people by the wrong names or talk out loud to someone who isn't present.
I know when I’m triggered when my emotion is waaaay too much for the situation. That’s my clue to be quiet and go away from the space and start asking myself questions. What emotion are you feeling? I’m mad or hurt. What specifically is making you mad or hurt. My friend cancelled our dinner date. Ok she explained she was ill and wanted to reschedule. Yeah whatever she hates me. She always promises me things and then doesn’t follow through. No she doesn’t but we know people who used to. I then realize I’ve pumped her in with those who have disappointed me after all the excitement they would make me feel promising me something knowing they were going to cancel. So little me and big me talk it out and I have to explain to her that this is different and we are diffeeent and our friend is not our abusers and if she continues to hurt us then yes maybe we will have to discuss or lessen our time with her but this is a one time thing.
Are you really BPD, or are you on the autism scale? Autistic children are abused more often by their parents. Women on the autism scale are generally diagnosed as BPD. Maybe look into it. It's a very abusive thing to label women BPD when they are actually autistic, especially because it's generally a male providing the diagnosis! 🧐
I'm stoked about this topic! I often have gigantic difficulties after an emotionally charged interaction that suddenly & inexplicably escalated (e.g. with my spouse). Because it's an immense challenge for me, just trying to isolate and identify what exactly was the trigger.
I started unraveling these situations by just trying to name my feelings. There would really be a surprising variety. And then I’d explain them to myself like “yeah because it’s like he doesn’t care about me at all.” And then my brain would go “?! Girl he’s married to you!!!! Wtf!” And that’s how I learned to follow the trails to my childhood trauma :)
Setting boundaries with my husbands sibling has been a challenge. Also since my father passed my only sibling and fathers new wifey kept me in the scapegoat role . I find it so interesting their comments about you . Im a mother , grandmother. A college graduate. Build 2 homes from scratch, last one 100 percent recycled off grid solar . Their reaction always were “ gosh , I hope you stick with this “. I find there is so many things to experience out there . Still have a lust for life . Not dying in a cubical .
⚡ spikeing energy - feeling fidgidy fight, flight, fawn - first reaction is anger but i disassociated because it was extremely overwhelming now I fall into fawn because I don't want to hurt people
I understand, I’m in a similar state. Birds tweeting, lights changing, closing a window, are all things that have trigger’s. Commiserations. I feel for you.
I was raised with "down" reactions (mostly flight+freeze with a sprinkle of fawning) but at some point "rewired" my reactions into pretty intense "fight" type reactions because I felt like those would give me more control over the situation. It wasn't a particularly mindful decision either. If I ever got to the point where I can afford proper therapy, I don't envy the person who would have to deal with my mess...
I feel this! Like a lot! Coping mechanisms are there for us to cope and learning when they're bad strategies is even better. It's a process and you can start your healing journey through RUclips here! :)!
I'm like this too. As a child I was flight+freeze, but now as an adult when I get triggered I get friggin' mad. I start fighting. I'm angry, and I make sure everybody knows it. I am in counseling now, and sometimes I wonder if I overwhelm and exhaust my counselor. I can be pretty intense in the sessions because I'm trying to get it all out, like purging yourself of toxins, making yourself throw up. I feel like I'm too much for her, but I suppose if I was she would say something. I've asked her to at any rate. Good luck in your recovery!
I spent my whole life freezing and fawning while I was being abused. Over the last 15 years I finally learned to call people on their shit, and I do! I will tell them straight out "Don't you fucking lie to me and try to gasoline me, I won't tolerate it! Take your bullshit and get the fuck out of my life! " I'd rather be alone and comfortable and at peace then have to put up with toxic people.
4:32 This reminds me of how, due to being a golden child, I couldn't stand to miss a day of school when not necessary, so I returned to school the day after my childhood dog died, even though school was my primary source of trauma and I saw my dog as a little sister. At school that day, some of my peers were verbally roughhousing with me, which was our usual dynamic, but, due to my dog having died the previous day, I had a much lower threshold, so, after they didn't stop despite me explaining the situation as calmly as I could several times, I lashed out at them, after which a teacher pulled me aside and lectured me on how I wasn't setting a good example. Just 4 months later, I had a mental breakdown due to not having had time to grieve, which led to me having to drop out of school entirely despite me having been on-track to graduate as valedictorian at that point. (My BFF recently did, and, while I'm happy for her, there's still that pang of, "That should've been me." especially since _I_ was the one who helped _her_ with her homework in elementary school.) The mental breakdown led to a downwards spiral that lasted over 2 years, and I finally began recovering earlier this month thanks to a concert of my favorite band being to the most influential night of my life due to it changing my outlook on life entirely. (I used to think that optimism was detrimental, and thus, I would be as pessimistic as possible, but, at the concert, I realized that it can actually be beneficial.)
Hello kind human🌻, Each video that I watch of your provides a greater insight to who I am as a human. Through watching your videos, I am able to see how I carry my trauma and that I should not be ashamed for my trauma responses as my trauma responses are survival techniques that my younger self once formed. However, I no longer am in need of these survival techniques as I am in a safe place and these tools no longer assistance in my personal growth. I genuinely thank you Patrick for providing a safe place to explore my trauma without shame and guilt. Please have a safe day🌻
This is very helpful. The upward versus downward feelings really gave me something to think about. 🤔 Realising the triggers in my life is like a confusing tangled mess but these steps have helped clarify causes of triggers and shown a path to untangle the confusion. Thanks Patrick.
Interesting. I indentify with all of the strategies you outlined but have trouble reconciling that with my childhood. My parents were good overall and have only gotten better so it's difficult for me to place responsibility on them for their shortcomings. They definitely are responsible for things but it's hard. I also wish I could find more about non parent relationships. I feel a lot came of my early friendships with regard to abandonment. Thank-you for these videos. It's so helpful starting to contextualise feelings that have me so confused so often.
I have the same problem. Alot of my trauma was from sibling abuse and early childhood relational abandonment. Kind of hard to do the same mental steps.
I’m noticing that happy events can be triggering, too. There is a person I enjoy talking to, but after any kind of interaction I lose a lot of time and energy ruminating over every word that was spoken. I honestly don’t know if the rush of joy I get from talking to this person is worth my getting so lost and down afterwards. Maybe if I can get my boundaries under control…? Thanks for another great video.
What do you think of the idea that maybe we put these cool people on a pedestal and that’s why happy/awesome people have this weird negative effect on us? I do that too and always looking for what went wrong even if the person seemed happy I think they were faking it. It’s like a refusal/inability to accept and really receive love maybe? (As the old saying goes, you have to love yourself first..?)
I did that and think it was party of my anxious attachment. I wasn’t reliably consistently affirmed as a kid, so it felt really scary when it happened bc it’s so valuable and i didn’t want to lose it! I didn’t want to “mess it up.” Developing my self-esteem has really helped level me out. It can still feel scary, but I feel more like it’s a reasonable, appropriate interaction because I believe that I’m also cool and interesting and smart. If they drop me I’d still be pretty disappointed ngl, but the fear of losing it isn’t there so much.
I grew up in a double whammy toxic and trauma filled childhood. One was my toxic dysfunctional parents. The other was being subjected to the vicious, physically amd mentally abusive nuns in Catholic grade school in the 1960's!
You are such a skilled physician, often times I find myself pausing your videos even disappearing after being triggered when you mention something I do but I always come back and finish even rewatching them to fully integrate what you're saying because you do it with suck kindness that it's not off putting but you also dont use kid gloves, I really appreciate your work. One thing I'd love to see more on here is more videos on attachment and how the various attachment styles interact with trauma and how to heal from them. I felt so seen when you said that knee-jerk reactions were a survival strategy that the inner child developed but it no longer serves us. This is such an empoweromg and freeing statement because I can start to use this when I overreact and I'm trying to pause for a minute to get back into my thinking brain before committing myself to an action which will drive me into a shame spiral afterwards
Patrick, thank you for connecting the dots for me between my reactions as an adult and my reality as a child. I'm a pretty darn self-aware person but I hadn't figured that all out on my own and I appreciate you going through it step by step and give me examples!
Thank you very much for this video! The Upward vs Downward feeling is a great distinction! I hope I can use this method during my next trigger attacks.
it's nice to see fawn split into two categories, makes more sense to me that way because i have the shame response but not the attach response so much because my other strong one is flight. in abusive or triggering situations in the past i tend to submit and then retreat. its been very hard for me to get angry or defend myself in the past so I'm actually really proud of myself that i can get annoyed or reasonably angry in appropriate situations, which a lot of people seem to find strange as it seems like a lot of people have difficulty controlling their anger. for me it's hard to have integrity and confront people. I've gotten a lot better at it in the past couple years but i do still catch myself just telling people what they want to hear at times.
I had an ED to make myself smaller to avoid being beat. But it made my dad even more vicious and abusive, he enjoyed it more that I was weaker. I'm not in contact going on 2 years now, I hope he unalives in the most painful way imaginable.
Patrick, I am a new subscriber and find your channel to be extremely helpful to me. There appears to be a whole community of others that have had similar childhood experiences. I rarely thought about my childhood until recently. In some of your role play videos, it seems to be an exact script with my Mother. I had no idea how triggered I get to some things and the fact that these are triggers. Wow! I really appreciate your channel and thank you for getting this out. Bonnie
Honestly I do all 5.... Sigh... But perhaps the most deep rooted one is fight. The one I go to when most desperate and other ones fail, and hate myself for it afterwards... It actually helped to later learn all of these other ones, because for most cases they are way less destructive. And slowly learning how to respond in a healthy way, being more open in communication but in an assertive way, not defensive.
This was good. I love the wheel chart we use that in one of my groups and for me, my emotions are really hard to figure out. I get triggered when I see a bunch of fallen leaves on the ground I will do my best to not step on them or make a sound. I have just been doing my best to understand my emotions.
The More I watch you, the More I KNOW I WANT to have Therapy regarding my childhood Trauma, even though I am Now 73 yrs. old. I live on my Soc. Sec. (small amount) and don't know how to find GOOD, LOW COST or FREE HELP. I would appreciate Anyone who could Point me in the right Direction!
I'm a year too late. This explains my triggers and reason for my reactions perfectly. I had an absent mother and father. But my mother favouritsied my brother. I have learnt to put my needs last & didn't even realise it. I cope by being the caregiver and its been to long now. I am now working on my own needs and its like a volcano has blown wide open. My mother is being a nightmare accusing me of neglecting her, telling me I have changed, and I am really selfish, not the person she knew. Even though I am calling her and still in contact regularly, im just not at her beck and call anymore. I am guessing this is to be expected, so I am pushing forward and not looking back. Love your channel. Thank you 😊
All of these reactions apply to me as a child and in relationships. I feel as if I have let them go now, being single for many years has helped. Most men I meet now seem to be looking for a damaged woman, and I recognise this quite early on. My sister's last attack really woke me up and sent me on the journey that found you, Patrick, along with Dr Ramani and the crappy childhood fairy. Thankyou
Trudi I agree these online videos have saved my life as well. Therapy along with the same videos you mentioned are making my life clear to me for the first time after 66 yrs of dysfunction. There is hope and it is never too late to begin healing.
Thanks Patrick. I've been working on recovery for ten years. I feel I know everything but don't know how to fix it. The way you present it it ties it all together and makes sense. I need to know the why. I relate to counselors that have been there. The way you describe yourself in your twenties is me all my life and I'm 54. Gives me hope. I'll be signing up for your monthly and buying this recourse. I know my triggers now just correcting them. Thanks for saving my life.
Omg literally every single one of these triggers is what I realized I’ve been struggling with my whole life … your videos have been amazing and have helped me “logic” myself (I love Star Trek, which actually has some interesting stories related to childhood trauma, most recently Picard - but I pretend to use logic to explain my emotions to myself in my head (similar to a Vulcan)
Anytime I would try and hold my mom and siblings accountable for their abuse towards me, I was told that I was wrong (funny, NOT funny), how I was ALWAYS wrong, but they never were or even are to this day. I feel invisible and not valued at all. I’m pissed off about it and sad at the same time.
I went through a group therapy class, STEPPS and STAIRWAYS, by Nancee Blum, Borderline Personality Disorder. This helped me 1000%. This took 20 weeks of work, intense, some may drop out, that's ok. I got to a point where it was too intense, I stepped out, it took the 4th time, and I completed the class. This gave me great insight into who I am, my top three filters. During the fourth time I stepped out and started a business and in two years purchased a building and moved a long. This was totally unheard of for me, I changed my direction, I knew I could do it.
What occurs with me is I’m overly sensitive and I can’t determine if it’s me or the people I recognized very quickly im treated differently from others in friend groups and I’m Just isolating myself it feels lonely but it’s either that or crying over the smallest comments it’s so frustrating and emotionally straining
Might want to take a look at Patrick's video on The Highly Sensitive Person and Childhood Trauma. It was eye-opening for me personally for the exact things you're describing! Looked up and am reading the book he mentioned on HSP/SPS and it's been an amazing read. Highly recommend it!
I think it might help if you understand what you want and need from friendships. What are your boundaries, what is unacceptable behavior from other people? There are no right or wrong answers here. I am a highly sensitive person, but unfortunately I was raised in a family that belittled my feelings. I often broke into tears for all kinds of reasons. When I eventually moved out, I found that most people are nice or neutral, and very rarely, if ever, did other people belittle my feelings. On the contrary, they found my explanations to be reasonable. I had friends who would invite me to some things, but not others. Eventually I cut them off because it made me feel like I was not good enough. I deserved better. I don't have many friends now, but they are not judgemental, they don't put me down for my thoughts or feelings. Those people exist, maybe they are not easy to find, but they are out there, and that is what you deserve too. But in order to find them, you will have to learn to understand that your emotions have value, that you are worthy of love and respect, and be willing to keep those who cross your boundaries out of your life. It's a long process, but you can do it, and you can find more happiness. I am still on my way to finding even greater happiness, but it has all been worth it. Do I still cry sometimes? Sure, but now I see it as a sign that there is still something I have to work through, that my boundaries have been crossed, or that I have gone over my limits. My tears are a guide to my recovery, and yours can help you to find your own happiness.
I'll need to watch again when I'm not so out of it with strep, but even so, I really love and appreciate the steady encouragement in this video, and all of your videos. Thank you.
Ye Gads. This and 6 Unknown Childhood Trauma Triggers 2022 are the cornerstone videos I watch and will watch over and over again to help understand myself and the family system I grew up in. These are invaluable sources of information and support for me. Thank you so much for these videos. And thank you again for providing therapy for people in crisis zones.
I think my procrastination in starting assignments for grad school classes is a feedback trigger response. It is making the process of grad school very difficult. I look forward to being able to address this and remove it so I can willingly move forward and make deadlines. It's crazy how I avoid it!
As someone who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. I highly recommend you get tested for it... Starting medication a few months ago has completely changed my life for the better.
awesome video ! very practical and organized. also Thanks SO much for not putting music or sound effects on your videos. i can focus on what you're saying.
The up and down reactions blew my mind!!! I thought I was only triggered when I’d get pissed off but could never understand why sometimes, out of the blue I’d feel so little and vulnerable - I will watch out for the origin of those triggers next time they happen!
Thanks for video. This is exactly what I need. I'm trying to recover cptsd without therapy and your video is really helping me. It's tough know but I'm gonna do my best.
This is SO helpful. It's very heavy to watch your videos, often I only watch 10-15 min and then I come back after a few days to watch more. Its a lot to process. But I love that you make this knowledge available for everyone. Thank you so much.
Patrick, in reguards to this video, I find that sometimes the fawning triggers also happen because we had a special needs siblin or because we were responsible of taking care of siblings or parents. Recently, I came across a ted talk about glass children, children with special needs siblings, it hit home for me and a lot of my clients who have this kind of experience of not being seen because there is another child who needs all the attention. I'd love to hear your comments on that topic. As always, thank you so much for your content!
This was so eye opening. Every-time I think I’ve gotten to the bottom of my stuff and have it under control I learn something new that makes realize in many ways I am still scratching the surface. And I also think to myself..”wow I’m a mess”…but it’s okay. Haha! It’s not a quick fix and I keep wanting to get to the finish line. But is there ever really one? Probably not, just the awareness and tools to live a healthier and more conscious life. My whole adult life I thought I was more of a Flight person, but this vid made me realize I am 💯 Fight with a minor bit of flight at times. And then the fawning…shame and caretaking stuff kicks in in romantic, family and even friend relationships as well or otherwise after the fight. As a child, ALL of those things applied in their entirety - everything you listed under Flight, Fight and Freeze as well as Fawn in my household dynamic and I just cried watching this vid for that littler girl within me that learned to endure sooooo much with so many coping strategies. Whoa! How exhausting that must have been for her. Man. In my last relationship which I recently ended I often joked that my partner felt like kryptonite to me…as in Superman and the thing that makes him weak. I would feel so utterly out of control with how I tended to his moods and responses as if something else took over me that made no logical sense and I now see that those were my triggers making me do things that on some level did not feel right as an adult and were out of place and context with me being an adult (the fawning…caretaking, walking on eggshells, bending over backwards to extremes). I can also see that most of my responses are definitely UP and not down but they later leave me feeling weaker (sad, upset, confused, no energy) thus my kryptonite analogy. Wow. So much in such a short video. Thank you Patrick. So glad I also joined your monthly membership community - I enjoyed the first live Q&A yesterday. Keep up the great work. Your gift to be able to deliver this information the way that you do is def unique and I hope you recognize that. I appreciate it deeply. With the deepest gratitude to you, sir 🙏🏾❤️.
OMG same here. Have spent my entire life fawning & twisting myself into knots to be whatever was needed due to childhood trauma. Who the heck am I is the question I am asking at age 66!! I wish these resources were available to me 50 yrs ago. 3 failed marriages & numerous explosive relationships finally propelled me into seeking answers. Thank God for people like Patrick who have exsorcised my shame.
Often when I notice that somebody is eagerly listening to what I have to say, trying to learn from me and really taking me seriously I get so excited that I start stuttering and getting out of breath. I guess that's some form of trigger, too, even though it is a positive one. It probably goes back to me not feeling heard as a child.
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you doing these videos! I have been on a healing journey since I figured out my mom was a covert narcissist at the age of 46 and now am 56 it was so validating to know I wasn’t the POS my mom made me out to be! But it took so long to figure out what the hell was going on! I hope and pray that other people don’t take as long as I did trying to find out what happened in their lives! It was as so many years full of heartache and pain and worthlessness! I know now that the healing journey is a life long journey! And today at times I still struggle, and this trigger video was so enlightening for me because I still struggle identifying them!! Thank u so much for being here! Namaste 🙏
Holy cow, I've got all of this and more. Definitely triggering me down watching it and realising that it's worse than I thought. Thanks for a good and hopefully useful video
Patric you are amazing.. They call me unreasonable optimistic. When I think of my childhood I see the love and protection. I believe they were inmature And were too young to have three kids by 21. I thought im going to do things better by educating. But I feel like I walked on egg shells about them being to emotional. I do read others faces, to check moods. I use to people please, I made up this quote. Must say two positive things before saying Something negative and worked so well even at work people loved it and used faithfully. It helped to think good and positive and had a better day. Now for the first time I think that was my survival so I wouldn't feel or hear so many bad or negative things I just can't handle people criticizing and spending time doing any thing that brings a person down. I feel as I am a happy good person I joke around and light hearted. But my ears burn at complaints and worrying and down and dramatic. I will help them in any way to see the other side is possible. I like fairness. Is there any way I'm blind to it. I am married to a narrsistic. But thats him. It is his drama I can ignore and still be me. I have to laugh at his delusions. That stuff can not be fixed. I don't try. I know I'm kind and not weak. He struggles I create and make beautiful things. Is optimistic my survival and why would I have to check if this is childhood trauma, what would it do for me to search it. Something about this video makes me think I need to find and fix. Is it possible to not know that I don't know?
This was the most useful thing I've come across in a year of reading and therapy. Excellent. It really connected the dots between Porges/Van de Kolk's theories, therapy and the basic emotions felt during trigger events. Thank you. And I love your series. Really helpful.
Wwwooowww! So cool Alex Jackson!
Yeah, this is worth a rewatch and taking notes.
In my toxic family as long as I submitted to everyone in the family, I was considered good. Anytime I stood up for myself I was told that I was wrong or bad. I am the scapegoat of the toxic family. I finally went no contact because these dysfunctional patterns will never change. Abusers don't change!
Every time my mom and I have a good day, any time my dad will answer a question clearly or even reply to hello...I feel like we turn the corner. A day or two later, when I am in the middle of a drunken fight, I forget why I am still here. I don't know how to leave.
@@forbiddensilhouette5824 It's hard but you have to reach the point where you are done with magical thinking and accept that you deserve better and that is not something you will get from them. Therapy can also help with putting up boundaries if you aren't ready to go no contact. Additionally there's books about going no contact with dysfunctional dynamics.
I don't remember any books right now but the one book, "Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker has a lot of insights and resources if you haven't read that.
@@jclyntoledo thanks yes - magical thinking. Also the adult siblings- magical thinking that I could lead by example- that is treat people decently.
I have that book, amongst others! Also I’m in my 50’s and so many comments I see from people my age- I’ve been at this “recovery” since my early 20’s. RUclips, internet and access to people like Patrick has been and is so helpful. So all you younger ones out there, hang in- healing happens 😊
They often do change. It is rarely quickly. But you do need to take care of yourself.
Yes! Wow. Same. As long as you comply you’re acceptable and even “praised”.
I would have never seen it had another minor not been involved recently. I had to take a firm stand on her behalf. My parents and siblings no longer speak to me and even advocate for the abuser. You can’t make sense of things like this. It’s sincerely mind blowing.
“Someone being mad at you” is definitely my childhood trigger. The fear of it is why I work so hard. It’s like a shadowy monster that’s always chasing me that I attempt to outrun by keeping up with the needs of others around me (boss, family, etc)
It's exhausting to always be hypervigilent as to how our reactions will be perceived by others.
Me too😢
My god this is my biggest issue, I'm always worried someone will be angry with me
Totally relate.
And sometimes, I am like....oh good...I'm ready to be mad right back., hence my fight response. Somebody was ALWAYS mad at me. I think I just got sick of it.
"how many of those trigger examples apply to you?"
"yes"
I am very sensitive to being gaslighted. I react with anger when I sense someone is trying to manipulate me and playing mind games with ambiguous lies. I hate being lied to and will flee that relationship, without asserting myself.
The fear of disappointing people, and the fear that someone would figure out that I had no idea how to be "normal" and fit in.
I was raised in a very Christian household and taught that I was a sinner from very young. I was punished for "selfish" or "thoughtless" acts before I could understand why. I became very good at tuning out fading into the background. I was a chameleon for anything my parents wanted. I never felt repressed because this response is so automatic. I thought I had a fine childhood. Today I'm diagnosed adhd and a very talented people pleaser. But I'm finally ready to start living for me
Ex: saying no
Ex: partners mood
Ex: ambiguity
Ex: thoughtless oblivious people
Ex: feedback
Step 1:
Am I triggered?
Mindful noticing in the here and now
Step 2:
Is the trigger energy up or down?
Step 3:
What is my knee jerk reaction when triggered?
Step 4:
What was my survival strategy growing up?
Flight
Fight
Freeze
Shame
Attach
Step 5:
Connect the trigger to your childhood
Step 6:
Separate and reclaim the present
Thank you for writing this out! A kind gesture, in. a not so kind world right now.
This is thoughtful and helpful to those of us stuck in overwhelm with spinning wheels. Solving more problems than one creates is my embraced purpose for living. I believe this happens best with small, selfless and inspiring actions, such as organizing and sharing what you have learned in a new and helpful way. Thanks for this.
Very welcome 🙂
No problem 😌
Thank you ❤️
This is great! I have worked out my huge problem is that my “default setting” is “Nobody likes me and I’m never anybody’s priority” (obviously from my critical and neglectful parents). I get hugely triggered when anyone lets me down; for example they say we’ll meet up, then they cancel) I totally lose it! My heart races, I’ll probably cry, have a panic attack, so at first it’s up, but that quickly turns into down energy as you described, feeling worthless, ashamed, confused, devastated inproportionately to the situation. Then I’ll totally withdraw, hide from the world, spend days in bed, assume all humans suck. I find it hard to pull myself out of this state. I have taken this survival tactic to such a huge extent that I now live completely alone as a nomad in my RV so I can “disappear” regularly as that feels like the only “safe place”. I also have autoimmune Rheumatoid Arthritis because for so many years my body did indeed “Keep the score”. Childhood trauma ruins your health!
I can relate to so much of this. 💕
Hello Lisa,
As well as Patrick's work, I really recommend Irene Lyon and her nervous system regulation work to you. It can really help with the physical symptoms resulting from trauma, re-regulating the nervous system and reprogramming our responses to stress.
Can so relate
@@tinypixiekitten7806 thanks will check it out
Fibromyalgia sufferer here. I can attest to that. My neglectful, resentful family system fucked up my health. Even if I were inclined to give my disgraceful father the grandchild he wants... never happening so long as my body reacts painfully to absolutely everything. Sorry old man... but due to your crap parenthood, our cursed bloodline dies with me.
Bottom line: crappy parents are unworthy of both their children or grandchildren until they actually show an effort to change.
Patrick,
You've become a cornerstone in my healing. I think about your content all the time and have been inspired to utilize your techniques in my relationships and engagement. I've seen nearly all your videos and recommended them frequently to everyone I care for. I am so thankful you are here to give voice to the conflicts and craziness that goes on in all our heads. Thank you for the work you do and thank you for conquering your own trauma so that you can be here to help us conquer ours!
Lmao same!!
Same!!!
I totally agree and well said!
This is one of the reasons I love the internet. There are dark sides of it, but it’s fostered such wonderful communities like this and allows people like Patrick a free platform to share his wisdom and tips. I too am grateful because it’s mind opening how much I’ve suppressed because I believed I wasn’t in that bad of a situation, but I totally was. My dad is a textbook narcissistic and my mom enabled his behavior, I and my brother suffered a lot of emotional abuse and were forced to figure out life and independence at quite young ages.
Crazy how things can affect us so young.
It wasn’t until I found this channel and community that I was able to admit that. I’ve completely pushed my parents away for the time being too until I’m ready and I’m healed. I love that talking here I feel everyone gets that, there’s no guilt or shame even though part of me still feels it.
Same. Calm, rational, empathic, and educational. Just what I needed.
Patrick, you’re one of the only therapists I like because your don’t make childhood trauma survivors feel more broken. There’s plenty of people posting on Instagram and it’s just post after post implying that we will always be this way and we need to do it alone. It’s so infuriating! Thank you for your understanding and all the tools your provide
I’m just now beginning to realize how the emotional neglect I faced growing up has effected me. It’s actually crazy, and really sad. These videos help a lot ❤️
I am in the same boat as you... Took me until well into my 30s before I realized my main issue wasn't an eating disorder. The eating disorder was simply the way I coped with the traumas in childhood. I've been in recovery for a few years now, but the healing work is lifelong. Good luck to you, and I wish you well in your healing journey.
Same ❤️
@@strkravinmad YES! same boat! it was a major mind-blower to realize the 10+ years i spent in eating disorder hell were at their core about the severe emotional neglect and abuse i suffered! NOT food and NOT my body! hyperfocusing on those things were just a way to cope, and to hopefully “earn love” 😢
sending healing love and compassion for you me and everyone going through this. ❤
same. I had one very negative/cynical parent (obvious severe CPTSD case, I now see), who would without thinking just automatically put me down as they did with everything else. My older sibling sometimes copied this behavior (later killed himself at 40 years old). My other parent was a "perfect" stiff upper lip type who to this day feels like a method actor that can't admit the play has ended because they are scared of what they might really be
I think I just realised how much of my teens and 20s was spent in a triggered state.👀
Thank you for your continued healing work Patrick! I wonder for a future video if you'd consider covering the trauma of gifted child expectations and pressure? Very insidious influence carried into adult life and messes up figuring out authentic identity and goals.
Yes!! How to back track out of the good kid performance and get more behavior options. Insidious is right on point,!!
I would very much like a video on this topic too!
What a great idea, Linden!
"Oh, you're gifted! You will get this without extra instruction."
"Haha! You did the assignment this way? What did you do that for? Just do what we tell you, you don't have to think about this extra stuff."
"But you're gifted ... Why did you take the full time for this test (worried about doing it perfectly)?"
Oh man..you completely nailed the dynamic between my sister and me. All this time I thought my overly cerebral essays written in response to my sister’s shaming emails was the “adult” response…🤦♀️
When he said overly cerebral essays, I actually chuckled because it was so me! Much of my adulthood, I was convinced that if I just made sense of it logically, everything would be okay. But of course that's not real life.
My most inexplicable reaction happened when I went to court to defend a traffic ticket. The minute I got into the courtroom and sat and watched others go through their paces with the judge, I sat there pushing back sobs. I had no idea why I was crying except that I felt a horrific fear of my turn coming up and having to go up and defend myself to the judge. I am not emotionally weak. Something about the authority/offender role was getting to me big time. I continued my crying in front of the judge, in spite of the fact I did everything I could to stop crying. It was impossible. I just couldn't stop.
I grew up in fight, flight. My alcoholic mother, verbally abusive and we fought physically then I ran away. I remember from about 6 or 7. I became a people pleaser. Chose abusive partners. No one ever got me. I did not know any of this. THANK YOU, Patrick, for helping us understand. At 66, my body does not like the trauma anymore. I stopped running but am just now learning the why and how to change.
It’s never too late to get free. Congratulations on your newfound opportunities
I literally froze and then wanted to flee from this video because of my garbage. Man, I'm glad I stuck it out.
Join me in the chat for the Premiere! 👋
When I watch your videos the first thing that always comes to mind is " He totally gets it" . You explain things so clearly and with a totality that not only makes what you're saying relatable but more importantly doable. In the past I've had therapists suggest things but never came away with a full understanding of why I was doing them or where this stuff was even coming from which makes it impossible to get into the habit of re working things when you can't recognize them and with the speed at which they come at you there's no chance. Without all the pieces my perspective was why the hell am I going thru this bs process when that jerk at the store should just learn some freaking manners. Patrick , you always wrap things up in a nice.neat little package. A gift, per se and I Thank You.
Yes! I second that: you totally get it, and speak from lived experience. That is why what you teach and how you teach it is so helpful! You are one of us!
I went through the steps as I watched the video.
When I was in elementary/middle school I was bullied for being Japanese. For peers of the same age I reacted with fight, arguing and standing up for myself by being loud and forceful. For people older than me I couldn’t do that, nor could I run away even though I wanted to, so instead I had a freeze response. Nowadays I see this mix of fight and freeze in my triggers. If it’s not a big deal I’ll fight. If it’s a big scary situation I’ll freeze. Very illuminating.
Wow! I'm sorry you went through that. When I was in elementary school we were bussed in Virginia. I was in a fourth grade class and there were only two Caucasian kids in the class. I got beat up everyday. One time drawing blood and scars. I definitely froze. I was not taught self defense and was completely outnumbered.
@@kathymc234 sorry you were both bullied for your race. I was bullied even though we were all the same race. There was no obvious reason why I was being bullied. 😢😢😢
Wow this is helpful. I’m realizing my trigger is being asked to do too much at work. I feel overwhelmed like I did as a kid when my parents expected too much from me at a young age. I’m not always wrong about being mad but my reactions are always over the top and never very professional. It’s something I always feel very ashamed do afterwards and now I understand it’s based on my childhood trauma.
This is too familiar!!! 💯🎯
SAAAAMMMEEEEE or when I have to stay late, i immediately feel like everything is out of control and I have control over what will happen to me…….unfortunately it’s a little embarrassing at work!! I try so hard to shove the response way down, but sometimes I “lawyer up” lol and flip out on them….
You know, this RUclips vd might change my life. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The stuff you said about wanting to fight was spot on 😓. My memories from my childhood are coming back. Sometimes before I’m about to sleep and it makes me angry. Why did that have to happen to me? I was only a child??? And what really kills me is how my childhood experience is different from my step sister’s . I don’t wish what I went through upon her. But my inner child screams when similar stuff happens when it happened when I was a child, and my mom’s reaction is different. She takes pity in her (is that how you say it In
English?) while she saw me as this child that’s about to become a monster Bc of how my biological dad was to her. Their relationship was abusive but what did that have to do w me. Why couldn’t she me as a child and not HIS child that has to be changed or else I’m a bad person just like him. She didn’t see me for who I was and my needs weren’t seen or heard the way it should have. I wonder a lot how I would have turned out to be like if she was there for me how I needed her not thinking I need new stuff after she hit me. I admit I was maybe a difficult child but still......I’m sorry if this was too long.
Noah, YES! It was a revelation for me too to realize I had a different childhood from my sibling tho we grew up in the same house and spent a ton of time together. I never realized until my 50s that the way my mom treated me was bc I was more like my dad’s side of the family. It initially made me angry, and then I came to see that it meant it was my mom’s issue, and wasn’t really about who I am deep down after all. Very freeing.
You deserved so much better, Noah! This can be your time to be the best parent ever to yourself. I’m almost 40 and I buy myself an embarrassing amount of glittery stuff bc I’m basically spoiling my inner child these days. I also do so so much loving internal monologue, telling myself things I never heard as a kid. It feels really nice and I only cry sometimes lol
Just shed some tears and learn about myself. I've needed this for so long!!!
Depending on what the trigger is, I regularly experience all of the fight/flight/freeze/fawning reactions 😩
Same. I am learning to think it thru and responding with training. I work in healthcare, I know the basics. As a traveler working in different facilities, I need to ask for their specific requirements in situations such as who i have to notify in case of a death e.g. person was on hospice. And often, it is assumed I don't know what to do at all. 😠
For me personally, it's easy to know if something triggered me because I have an emotional flashback, sometimes coupled with age-regression, characterized by me saying things that are seemingly nonsensical to outsiders but actually apply to the traumatic memory that I'm having a flashback to. Sometimes, I even call people by the wrong names or talk out loud to someone who isn't present.
I know when I’m triggered when my emotion is waaaay too much for the situation. That’s my clue to be quiet and go away from the space and start asking myself questions. What emotion are you feeling? I’m mad or hurt. What specifically is making you mad or hurt. My friend cancelled our dinner date. Ok she explained she was ill and wanted to reschedule. Yeah whatever she hates me. She always promises me things and then doesn’t follow through. No she doesn’t but we know people who used to. I then realize I’ve pumped her in with those who have disappointed me after all the excitement they would make me feel promising me something knowing they were going to cancel. So little me and big me talk it out and I have to explain to her that this is different and we are diffeeent and our friend is not our abusers and if she continues to hurt us then yes maybe we will have to discuss or lessen our time with her but this is a one time thing.
Wow. Thanks for the example. So. helpful!!
As a person with BPD, the up and down trigger response is SO clear. I feel so intensely.
Are you really BPD, or are you on the autism scale? Autistic children are abused more often by their parents. Women on the autism scale are generally diagnosed as BPD. Maybe look into it. It's a very abusive thing to label women BPD when they are actually autistic, especially because it's generally a male providing the diagnosis! 🧐
I'm stoked about this topic! I often have gigantic difficulties after an emotionally charged interaction that suddenly & inexplicably escalated (e.g. with my spouse).
Because it's an immense challenge for me, just trying to isolate and identify what exactly was the trigger.
Lauren Cox
I started unraveling these situations by just trying to name my feelings. There would really be a surprising variety. And then I’d explain them to myself like “yeah because it’s like he doesn’t care about me at all.” And then my brain would go “?! Girl he’s married to you!!!! Wtf!”
And that’s how I learned to follow the trails to my childhood trauma :)
I always almost cry at the end with your closing words. They're so sweet. I must not be used to it. Thank you for what you do here. 🖤
One of my favorite parts of your videos is the stick figure waving goodbye at the end. I always smile and wave back.
Setting boundaries with my husbands sibling has been a challenge. Also since my father passed my only sibling and fathers new wifey kept me in the scapegoat role . I find it so interesting their comments about you . Im a mother , grandmother. A college graduate. Build 2 homes from scratch, last one 100 percent recycled off grid solar . Their reaction always were “ gosh , I hope you stick with this “. I find there is so many things to experience out there . Still have a lust for life . Not dying in a cubical .
I never related whenever people spoke amazing things about their parents.
⚡ spikeing energy - feeling fidgidy
fight, flight, fawn - first reaction is anger but i disassociated because it was extremely overwhelming now I fall into fawn because I don't want to hurt people
I feel like “up” energies are largely directed externally, and “down” energies are largely directed internally.
I agree.
I understand my parking habits now. Thank you for sharing that bit about your client. That human connection and understanding will help me heal!
Me too. Blows my mind. That hit me hard. I was constantly told I was so selfish.
I get triggered many times almost every day. I even get triggered washing my hands.
I could sure tell some stories
I understand, I’m in a similar state. Birds tweeting, lights changing, closing a window, are all things that have trigger’s. Commiserations. I feel for you.
Also, was actually in a triggered state, and this video helped me clear my mind fog and anxiety rush. Thank you, as always
I was raised with "down" reactions (mostly flight+freeze with a sprinkle of fawning) but at some point "rewired" my reactions into pretty intense "fight" type reactions because I felt like those would give me more control over the situation. It wasn't a particularly mindful decision either. If I ever got to the point where I can afford proper therapy, I don't envy the person who would have to deal with my mess...
I feel this! Like a lot! Coping mechanisms are there for us to cope and learning when they're bad strategies is even better. It's a process and you can start your healing journey through RUclips here! :)!
I'm like this too. As a child I was flight+freeze, but now as an adult when I get triggered I get friggin' mad. I start fighting. I'm angry, and I make sure everybody knows it.
I am in counseling now, and sometimes I wonder if I overwhelm and exhaust my counselor. I can be pretty intense in the sessions because I'm trying to get it all out, like purging yourself of toxins, making yourself throw up. I feel like I'm too much for her, but I suppose if I was she would say something. I've asked her to at any rate.
Good luck in your recovery!
I spent my whole life freezing and fawning while I was being abused. Over the last 15 years I finally learned to call people on their shit, and I do! I will tell them straight out "Don't you fucking lie to me and try to gasoline me, I won't tolerate it! Take your bullshit and get the fuck out of my life! " I'd rather be alone and comfortable and at peace then have to put up with toxic people.
4:32 This reminds me of how, due to being a golden child, I couldn't stand to miss a day of school when not necessary, so I returned to school the day after my childhood dog died, even though school was my primary source of trauma and I saw my dog as a little sister. At school that day, some of my peers were verbally roughhousing with me, which was our usual dynamic, but, due to my dog having died the previous day, I had a much lower threshold, so, after they didn't stop despite me explaining the situation as calmly as I could several times, I lashed out at them, after which a teacher pulled me aside and lectured me on how I wasn't setting a good example.
Just 4 months later, I had a mental breakdown due to not having had time to grieve, which led to me having to drop out of school entirely despite me having been on-track to graduate as valedictorian at that point. (My BFF recently did, and, while I'm happy for her, there's still that pang of, "That should've been me." especially since _I_ was the one who helped _her_ with her homework in elementary school.) The mental breakdown led to a downwards spiral that lasted over 2 years, and I finally began recovering earlier this month thanks to a concert of my favorite band being to the most influential night of my life due to it changing my outlook on life entirely. (I used to think that optimism was detrimental, and thus, I would be as pessimistic as possible, but, at the concert, I realized that it can actually be beneficial.)
Hello kind human🌻,
Each video that I watch of your provides a greater insight to who I am as a human. Through watching your videos, I am able to see how I carry my trauma and that I should not be ashamed for my trauma responses as my trauma responses are survival techniques that my younger self once formed. However, I no longer am in need of these survival techniques as I am in a safe place and these tools no longer assistance in my personal growth.
I genuinely thank you Patrick for providing a safe place to explore my trauma without shame and guilt.
Please have a safe day🌻
This is very helpful. The upward versus downward feelings really gave me something to think about. 🤔 Realising the triggers in my life is like a confusing tangled mess but these steps have helped clarify causes of triggers and shown a path to untangle the confusion. Thanks Patrick.
Interesting. I indentify with all of the strategies you outlined but have trouble reconciling that with my childhood. My parents were good overall and have only gotten better so it's difficult for me to place responsibility on them for their shortcomings. They definitely are responsible for things but it's hard. I also wish I could find more about non parent relationships. I feel a lot came of my early friendships with regard to abandonment. Thank-you for these videos. It's so helpful starting to contextualise feelings that have me so confused so often.
I have the same problem. Alot of my trauma was from sibling abuse and early childhood relational abandonment. Kind of hard to do the same mental steps.
I’m noticing that happy events can be triggering, too. There is a person I enjoy talking to, but after any kind of interaction I lose a lot of time and energy ruminating over every word that was spoken. I honestly don’t know if the rush of joy I get from talking to this person is worth my getting so lost and down afterwards. Maybe if I can get my boundaries under control…? Thanks for another great video.
You might be interested in reading about attachment theory and how it affects your relationships as an adult.
What do you think of the idea that maybe we put these cool people on a pedestal and that’s why happy/awesome people have this weird negative effect on us? I do that too and always looking for what went wrong even if the person seemed happy I think they were faking it. It’s like a refusal/inability to accept and really receive love maybe? (As the old saying goes, you have to love yourself first..?)
@@RachelRiner the same when a woman flirt with me
I did that and think it was party of my anxious attachment. I wasn’t reliably consistently affirmed as a kid, so it felt really scary when it happened bc it’s so valuable and i didn’t want to lose it! I didn’t want to “mess it up.” Developing my self-esteem has really helped level me out. It can still feel scary, but I feel more like it’s a reasonable, appropriate interaction because I believe that I’m also cool and interesting and smart. If they drop me I’d still be pretty disappointed ngl, but the fear of losing it isn’t there so much.
Thank you for helping me work through my childhood trauma. 😢❤
I grew up in a double whammy toxic and trauma filled childhood. One was my toxic dysfunctional parents. The other was being subjected to the vicious, physically amd mentally abusive nuns in Catholic grade school in the 1960's!
Tricky family history; so much that triggers. Thank you for helping me find a better way to be.
You are such a skilled physician, often times I find myself pausing your videos even disappearing after being triggered when you mention something I do but I always come back and finish even rewatching them to fully integrate what you're saying because you do it with suck kindness that it's not off putting but you also dont use kid gloves, I really appreciate your work. One thing I'd love to see more on here is more videos on attachment and how the various attachment styles interact with trauma and how to heal from them. I felt so seen when you said that knee-jerk reactions were a survival strategy that the inner child developed but it no longer serves us. This is such an empoweromg and freeing statement because I can start to use this when I overreact and I'm trying to pause for a minute to get back into my thinking brain before committing myself to an action which will drive me into a shame spiral afterwards
or blaming your partner for the trigger feelings and dissatisfaction. and saying everything else is fine.
this is soooo enlightening. thank you!!
Thank you isn't big enough!!! I am so grateful to you for putting this out here so easy to understand and relate to!!!!!!!
Patrick, thank you for connecting the dots for me between my reactions as an adult and my reality as a child. I'm a pretty darn self-aware person but I hadn't figured that all out on my own and I appreciate you going through it step by step and give me examples!
Doubt I’ll ever conquer the trauma as Patrick has, but his videos bring a small segment of peace as I watch.
Thank you very much for this video!
The Upward vs Downward feeling is a great distinction! I hope I can use this method during my next trigger attacks.
can't wait for recourse, this would help so much. I find myself bouncing between flight and shame.
it's nice to see fawn split into two categories, makes more sense to me that way because i have the shame response but not the attach response so much because my other strong one is flight. in abusive or triggering situations in the past i tend to submit and then retreat. its been very hard for me to get angry or defend myself in the past so I'm actually really proud of myself that i can get annoyed or reasonably angry in appropriate situations, which a lot of people seem to find strange as it seems like a lot of people have difficulty controlling their anger. for me it's hard to have integrity and confront people. I've gotten a lot better at it in the past couple years but i do still catch myself just telling people what they want to hear at times.
I had an ED to make myself smaller to avoid being beat. But it made my dad even more vicious and abusive, he enjoyed it more that I was weaker. I'm not in contact going on 2 years now, I hope he unalives in the most painful way imaginable.
I’m excited for this one!!! Your videos are so helpful. ❤
Patrick, I am a new subscriber and find your channel to be extremely helpful to me. There appears to be a whole community of others that have had similar childhood experiences. I rarely thought about my childhood until recently. In some of your role play videos, it seems to be an exact script with my Mother. I had no idea how triggered I get to some things and the fact that these are triggers. Wow! I really appreciate your channel and thank you for getting this out. Bonnie
Honestly I do all 5.... Sigh... But perhaps the most deep rooted one is fight. The one I go to when most desperate and other ones fail, and hate myself for it afterwards... It actually helped to later learn all of these other ones, because for most cases they are way less destructive. And slowly learning how to respond in a healthy way, being more open in communication but in an assertive way, not defensive.
This was good. I love the wheel chart we use that in one of my groups and for me, my emotions are really hard to figure out. I get triggered when I see a bunch of fallen leaves on the ground I will do my best to not step on them or make a sound. I have just been doing my best to understand my emotions.
@zakiya Matt might be a distraction
The More I watch you, the More I KNOW I WANT to have Therapy regarding my childhood Trauma, even though I am Now 73 yrs. old. I live on my Soc. Sec. (small amount) and don't know how to find GOOD, LOW COST or FREE HELP. I would appreciate Anyone who could Point me in the right Direction!
The up or down energy is so spot on!
I'm a year too late. This explains my triggers and reason for my reactions perfectly. I had an absent mother and father. But my mother favouritsied my brother. I have learnt to put my needs last & didn't even realise it. I cope by being the caregiver and its been to long now. I am now working on my own needs and its like a volcano has blown wide open. My mother is being a nightmare accusing me of neglecting her, telling me I have changed, and I am really selfish, not the person she knew. Even though I am calling her and still in contact regularly, im just not at her beck and call anymore. I am guessing this is to be expected, so I am pushing forward and not looking back. Love your channel. Thank you 😊
This hits like a sledgehammer to the chest - gonna have to watch it again, because I want to absorb more of this. As always, you are spot on.
Excited for the e course! Thank you for sharing all that you do we appreciate it more than you know
All of these reactions apply to me as a child and in relationships. I feel as if I have let them go now, being single for many years has helped. Most men I meet now seem to be looking for a damaged woman, and I recognise this quite early on. My sister's last attack really woke me up and sent me on the journey that found you, Patrick, along with Dr Ramani and the crappy childhood fairy. Thankyou
Trudi I agree these online videos have saved my life as well. Therapy along with the same videos you mentioned are making my life clear to me for the first time after 66 yrs of dysfunction. There is hope and it is never too late to begin healing.
Thanks Patrick. I've been working on recovery for ten years. I feel I know everything but don't know how to fix it. The way you present it it ties it all together and makes sense. I need to know the why. I relate to counselors that have been there. The way you describe yourself in your twenties is me all my life and I'm 54. Gives me hope. I'll be signing up for your monthly and buying this recourse. I know my triggers now just correcting them. Thanks for saving my life.
Omg literally every single one of these triggers is what I realized I’ve been struggling with my whole life … your videos have been amazing and have helped me “logic” myself (I love Star Trek, which actually has some interesting stories related to childhood trauma, most recently Picard - but I pretend to use logic to explain my emotions to myself in my head (similar to a Vulcan)
Anytime I would try and hold my mom and siblings accountable for their abuse towards me, I was told that I was wrong (funny, NOT funny), how I was ALWAYS wrong, but they never were or even are to this day. I feel invisible and not valued at all. I’m pissed off about it and sad at the same time.
I went through a group therapy class, STEPPS and STAIRWAYS, by Nancee Blum, Borderline Personality Disorder. This helped me 1000%. This took 20 weeks of work, intense, some may drop out, that's ok. I got to a point where it was too intense, I stepped out, it took the 4th time, and I completed the class.
This gave me great insight into who I am, my top three filters. During the fourth time I stepped out and started a business and in two years purchased a building and moved a long. This was totally unheard of for me, I changed my direction, I knew I could do it.
What occurs with me is I’m overly sensitive and I can’t determine if it’s me or the people I recognized very quickly im treated differently from others in friend groups and I’m
Just isolating myself it feels lonely but it’s either that or crying over the smallest comments it’s so frustrating and emotionally straining
Might want to take a look at Patrick's video on The Highly Sensitive Person and Childhood Trauma. It was eye-opening for me personally for the exact things you're describing! Looked up and am reading the book he mentioned on HSP/SPS and it's been an amazing read. Highly recommend it!
@ilovejesus look into shame Tim Fletcher really breakdown topics.
I think it might help if you understand what you want and need from friendships. What are your boundaries, what is unacceptable behavior from other people? There are no right or wrong answers here. I am a highly sensitive person, but unfortunately I was raised in a family that belittled my feelings. I often broke into tears for all kinds of reasons.
When I eventually moved out, I found that most people are nice or neutral, and very rarely, if ever, did other people belittle my feelings. On the contrary, they found my explanations to be reasonable. I had friends who would invite me to some things, but not others. Eventually I cut them off because it made me feel like I was not good enough. I deserved better. I don't have many friends now, but they are not judgemental, they don't put me down for my thoughts or feelings.
Those people exist, maybe they are not easy to find, but they are out there, and that is what you deserve too. But in order to find them, you will have to learn to understand that your emotions have value, that you are worthy of love and respect, and be willing to keep those who cross your boundaries out of your life. It's a long process, but you can do it, and you can find more happiness. I am still on my way to finding even greater happiness, but it has all been worth it. Do I still cry sometimes? Sure, but now I see it as a sign that there is still something I have to work through, that my boundaries have been crossed, or that I have gone over my limits. My tears are a guide to my recovery, and yours can help you to find your own happiness.
this blew my mind. seriously.
I'll need to watch again when I'm not so out of it with strep, but even so, I really love and appreciate the steady encouragement in this video, and all of your videos. Thank you.
Whenever I reacted to something my narcissistic father had said, i was either being too sensitive, taking it personally or had a chip on my shoulder.
Ye Gads. This and 6 Unknown Childhood Trauma Triggers 2022 are the cornerstone videos I watch and will watch over and over again to help understand myself and the family system I grew up in. These are invaluable sources of information and support for me. Thank you so much for these videos. And thank you again for providing therapy for people in crisis zones.
Wow, sure makes sense. I appreciate the validation. It’s comforting after all these years of taking blame and carrying the weight of it all.
I think my procrastination in starting assignments for grad school classes is a feedback trigger response. It is making the process of grad school very difficult. I look forward to being able to address this and remove it so I can willingly move forward and make deadlines. It's crazy how I avoid it!
As someone who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. I highly recommend you get tested for it... Starting medication a few months ago has completely changed my life for the better.
This video is amazingly helpful. I had to watch it a few times for your words to really sink
This was so amazing, I busted out a notebook and took notes.
I also don’t take parking spots bc my mom always told me it was selfish taking spaces for people who are old and who can’t walk very far. 🤦
awesome video ! very practical and organized.
also Thanks SO much for not putting music or sound effects on your videos. i can focus on what you're saying.
i can now see this is kind of what youve done in your video about talking with the inner child. you should link them 👍👍
The up and down reactions blew my mind!!! I thought I was only triggered when I’d get pissed off but could never understand why sometimes, out of the blue I’d feel so little and vulnerable - I will watch out for the origin of those triggers next time they happen!
Thanks Patrick! This was fantastic. May you be peaceful and joyous also. Bless you. ❤
Omg I had to employ every single survival strategy from Step 4 throughout my childhood depending upon the situation.
Thanks for video. This is exactly what I need. I'm trying to recover cptsd without therapy and your video is really helping me. It's tough know but I'm gonna do my best.
This is INCREDIBLE. Man, so much to work through…
This is SO helpful. It's very heavy to watch your videos, often I only watch 10-15 min and then I come back after a few days to watch more. Its a lot to process. But I love that you make this knowledge available for everyone. Thank you so much.
The chart connecting reactions to childhood events is brilliant. Thank you so much for all of the work you put into these amazing videos.
Patrick, in reguards to this video, I find that sometimes the fawning triggers also happen because we had a special needs siblin or because we were responsible of taking care of siblings or parents. Recently, I came across a ted talk about glass children, children with special needs siblings, it hit home for me and a lot of my clients who have this kind of experience of not being seen because there is another child who needs all the attention. I'd love to hear your comments on that topic. As always, thank you so much for your content!
I have ptsd from childhood sexual abuse from a trusted religious authority. a jehovahs witness elder to be exact. thank you for your videos.
It's so sad that so many adults suffer from a toxic and traumatic childhood!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It's really helpful to me after all these years figuring out, what the heck was going on with me in my family.
I can't even describe how weird it is that Patrick always comes up with new videos that answer something that I was seriously confused about...
I relate to all of these and I'm a little overwhelmed
This was so eye opening. Every-time I think I’ve gotten to the bottom of my stuff and have it under control I learn something new that makes realize in many ways I am still scratching the surface. And I also think to myself..”wow I’m a mess”…but it’s okay. Haha! It’s not a quick fix and I keep wanting to get to the finish line. But is there ever really one? Probably not, just the awareness and tools to live a healthier and more conscious life. My whole adult life I thought I was more of a Flight person, but this vid made me realize I am 💯 Fight with a minor bit of flight at times. And then the fawning…shame and caretaking stuff kicks in in romantic, family and even friend relationships as well or otherwise after the fight. As a child, ALL of those things applied in their entirety - everything you listed under Flight, Fight and Freeze as well as Fawn in my household dynamic and I just cried watching this vid for that littler girl within me that learned to endure sooooo much with so many coping strategies. Whoa! How exhausting that must have been for her. Man. In my last relationship which I recently ended I often joked that my partner felt like kryptonite to me…as in Superman and the thing that makes him weak. I would feel so utterly out of control with how I tended to his moods and responses as if something else took over me that made no logical sense and I now see that those were my triggers making me do things that on some level did not feel right as an adult and were out of place and context with me being an adult (the fawning…caretaking, walking on eggshells, bending over backwards to extremes). I can also see that most of my responses are definitely UP and not down but they later leave me feeling weaker (sad, upset, confused, no energy) thus my kryptonite analogy. Wow. So much in such a short video. Thank you Patrick. So glad I also joined your monthly membership community - I enjoyed the first live Q&A yesterday. Keep up the great work. Your gift to be able to deliver this information the way that you do is def unique and I hope you recognize that. I appreciate it deeply. With the deepest gratitude to you, sir 🙏🏾❤️.
OMG same here. Have spent my entire life fawning & twisting myself into knots to be whatever was needed due to childhood trauma. Who the heck am I is the question I am asking at age 66!! I wish these resources were available to me 50 yrs ago. 3 failed marriages & numerous explosive relationships finally propelled me into seeking answers. Thank God for people like Patrick who have exsorcised my shame.
Often when I notice that somebody is eagerly listening to what I have to say, trying to learn from me and really taking me seriously I get so excited that I start stuttering and getting out of breath. I guess that's some form of trigger, too, even though it is a positive one. It probably goes back to me not feeling heard as a child.
Your step one helped me identify that watching your videos triggers me.
omg nooo when u said "lawyer mode"... that's exactly what i called it, i didn't even realize it was a trauma thing 😭
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you doing these videos! I have been on a healing journey since I figured out my mom was a covert narcissist at the age of 46 and now am 56 it was so validating to know I wasn’t the POS my mom made me out to be! But it took so long to figure out what the hell was going on! I hope and pray that other people don’t take as long as I did trying to find out what happened in their lives! It was as so many years full of heartache and pain and worthlessness! I know now that the healing journey is a life long journey! And today at times I still struggle, and this trigger video was so enlightening for me because I still struggle identifying them!! Thank u so much for being here!
Namaste 🙏
Holy cow, I've got all of this and more. Definitely triggering me down watching it and realising that it's worse than I thought.
Thanks for a good and hopefully useful video
Patric you are amazing.. They call me unreasonable optimistic. When I think of my childhood I see the love and protection. I believe they were inmature
And were too young to have three kids by 21. I thought im going to do things better by educating. But I feel like I walked on egg shells about them being to emotional. I do read others faces, to check moods. I use to people please, I made up this quote. Must say two positive things before saying
Something negative and worked so well even at work people loved it and used faithfully. It helped to think good and positive and had a better day. Now for the first time I think that was my survival so I wouldn't feel or hear so many bad or negative things I just can't handle people criticizing and spending time doing any thing that brings a person down. I feel as I am a happy good person I joke around and light hearted. But my ears burn at complaints and worrying and down and dramatic. I will help them in any way to see the other side is possible. I like fairness. Is there any way I'm blind to it. I am married to a narrsistic. But thats him. It is his drama I can ignore and still be me. I have to laugh at his delusions. That stuff can not be fixed. I don't try. I know I'm kind and not weak. He struggles I create and make beautiful things. Is optimistic my survival and why would I have to check if this is childhood trauma, what would it do for me to search it. Something about this video makes me think I need to find and fix. Is it possible to not know that I don't know?