Brian Murphy We started out as an open relationship (little over a year ago), but with lots of talk about polyamory. We both had ideas about polyamory before we met, but no real experience. (Some monogamish experiences on my side). Well, the first year with open relationship went great, and now we seem to be heading towards polyamory to a fuller extent, as my bf has a new romantic interest, and I am enthusiastically happy for him/them. I love this for us! 💞
I have a different perspective to share. Me and my girlfriend started out in open repationship, not bullshitting each other and talking about everything. From the very beginning i told her that im polyamorous and she told me that theres no point to start pretending that we are willing to loose our freedoms; that we both desire, since.. im polyamor and she was in shitty straight monogamic relationship fo 9 and 2 years. After 2 months from beginning we started to fall in love and talked about it again and desided that still want to appreciate each others individualism and operate together as each others lovers and going through life and everything together with absolute honesty. Also at that time she accidentally got pregnant, we talked about it alot and she decided that she appreciates my life choices and did aportion. While going through that, i had my incident with somebody else, and when i told her that, it hurt her, but she somewhatgot over it, being very rational about it, we talked about everything previously written and i ensured her that she is the one i love! but as reality goes, that doesnt ensure the protection against jealousy and thinking irrationally (both of us),, but thats the best i could to, besides actually loving her. So, a month after that, when we were partying and i walked her home i told her, that there was somebody who i liked and is it okay with her if i fool around with her, if it happens... and then it all started. She told me that she feels differently now, since we are so in love, and she doesnt know if she could ever do it... nor to handle if i do it. She undestands and appreciates alot that i told her about my polyamory for the very beginning...BUT now the situation is so different, and it is! Even i can feel it, although im still polyamorish. Within one month, we have been listening so many lectures and videos about polyamory pros and cons together, arguing and trying to figure it out, but it seems we dont know how to solve it. So, both of us thought it would be interesting to write about it under those same videos we watch and see what others think about it. Since most videos about it are very generalized, we hope one specific story gives more thoughts suited for our own struggle with it. We are still in an open relationship since we strongly define ouselves as individuals and appreciate that alot, but we love each other alot and we try to figure it out as much as possible so that we can live our lives with the fullest and at the same time keep the love we have, trying not to hurt each other as much as we can. She is very dont to earth and so am i, but damn, those feelings are sooo strong, i love her so much, but i cant bare the idea to give my freedom away for something i've never been. She understands that nobody will get the same love i give her, but she doesnt know how she would react when something actually happens- will she know it in that moment or totally leave me? When i wrote it and showed it to her, she got very emotiońal, saying about the incident that she somewhat got over it, but every time she hears, reads or thinks about it, it hurts her. Thank you, if you answer, everything is welcome!
Im going through something similar. My partner started another relationship. I was always against it. Not understanding how if he loved me he could want someone else. After three years i can say i feel jealous. He wont end it with her. Now i am alone. Could you explain to me how you can still love your partner while being with others. I am really struggling with this
@@chelsea5595 We figured out, we will try threesome, and move from there. but 2 months ago she was diagnosed with skin cancer for second time, so everything else is on hold. :)
@chris west hi there. I know you weren't specifically talking to me, but I saw your comment and thought I could provide my personal experience. First off, I hope things have gotten at least a little better for you. You were (and maybe still are) going through a lot of pain, and I really feel that. Here's the story, abbreviated, of myself and my partner. We've been together for nearly 6 years now and are getting married in a few months. We've been polyamorous, solidly, for about 3 of those years. It certainly wasn't all sunshine and rainbows throughout, however. From the moment we met, she had expressed to me that she wasn't looking for anything strictly monogamous. All I had ever known prior to her was that lifestyle, but those relationships had all ended up being destructive and toxic and had left me feeling like I was living a lie. I had firmly believed that I would be single forever because I had come to realize that I could strongly be in love with more than one person. I just wasn't the best about handling those emotions in my early to mid-20s. I was also led strongly by a cultural expectation to never pursue anything outside of monogamy, being from a mixed race ethnic background. When my partner presented this an option for us from the start, I saw hope. She supported me and educated me on how to ethically and responsibly coexist in a non-monogamous relationship. I had my struggles early on, reaching out to women and men, setting up dates without communicating with my partner until after the dates were set. I carried on flirtacious conversation while my partner was unaware. I was far from easy to deal with, and I had so much to learn going forward and unlearn from my past. We tested the waters by going to events and forming friend groups with wonderful, nice people. We went to small seminars on ENM (ethical non-monogamous) relationships, the pros and cons, struggles, and amazing positives. For her part, she had struggles of self-worth and being horribly mistreated in the past. So, trust was a hurdle for us. We've emerged on the other side of those trials much stronger than ever. We have a polycule with our closest friends and partners, and it's the most fulfilling experience of my life! So, my advice to you is, if you want to explore alternative relationships. Know that it is no different than any other relationship, essentially. There are similar virtues: 1. Effective Communication 2. Trust 3. Love, Support, and Affirmation If you can find these in a partner, then you can consider moving forward and exploring new things with them.
@chris west I said all that and reread your comment. I have a little more to add. If he wasn't willing to leave this other person and is still trying to keep you despite your protests... this seems like a person who isn't exactly trustworthy as an ENM partner. If you have no interest in exploring your relationship in that manner and they are not respecting your boundaries, you need to end things. In my opinion. It would be best for your own mental and emotional well-being.
I am Polyamorous with my husband. His friends are in his ear about him "allowing" me to see other people (So far I have a boyfriend), and I'm like.... They aren't married to me, you are. And no one is allowing me to do anything. I am my own person, just like he is his own person. I love my boyfriend so much. But I also love my husband in the same way. I don't want to have my boyfriend's kid or anything, but I really love and care about him, and intend to be with him for as long as we are living.
grew up with monogamous parents who got divorced when I was 13. Dad became poly but has for the most part stayed with the same partner all my life. He has shown me the reality of poly life rather than the romanticized version of it. It does take work & excellent communication. As a young adult, I've been very poly curious but anytime I've entered a relationship with a partner that I'm drawn to they may be ok with an open relationship in the very beginning but quickly change their mind. I think I've felt like I was being selfish for wanting anything else in a relationship and because I didn't want to lose them I'd stay. The current one I'm in I'm very happy & connect really well with him but once again I sacrificed being poly because he didn't want to share time or attention with anyone else. I'm trying to just journal and explore whether or not this is really something to try. Especially if it's at the cost of someone I really love and enjoy being with. He is open to talking with me with just about anything but that topic he is close minded about & it's uncomfortable. I feel like the bad guy. Anyway, I'm going to try to keep exploring and having those hard conversations. Wish me luck. I hope wherever you are on your path you have the courage to be open, honest & true.
Thanks for sharing some of your story. I’m glad you’re here! You’re definitely not selfish and not wrong for wanting to explore relationship structures that honor your whole self and your agency. Monogamy is pushed on us by culture and men, in particular, are trained to expect control and ownership over their/our partners (even if they don’t recognize it as such). Journaling has been super helpful for me. Sending you luck. If you ever want some one-on-one support, reach out at briangerald.com/apply
I find it utterly hard, I have been in an open relationship for the past 8 months... The problem is that I feel no comfortableness in it. I talked about it with my "girlfriend" (quote on quote because she does not fancy that term), I said to her that I want no other than her, I only want to be with her. She told me "It is your decision not to be with anyone else", so she can if she wants. I love her, I love being with her, but every time we touch the topic a little, my emotional state just crashes. But I do not show that to her, she would instantly notice that I am not really into an open relationship and she would just say "Ok, just friends now, you are not good with that I pursue". Even writing this is hard... I do not know.
Leave her. Your desires are not compatible and she is not being receptive to what you need while you’re allowing her to do what she wants at the expense of your own happiness in the relationship. That’s problematic.
If this is how you feel, then talk to her about it. If she truly loves you wants to be with you, she'll respect that. If she doesn't want what you want then accept it and move on. There are plenty monogamous fish in the sea.
@@TheMauroTelles No problem. Just remember, we have very limited time on Earth. We should do what makes us happy. We should live fulfilling lives and spend time with the people that add value to our lives and don't end up being wasted time and stress.
I call myself polyamorous because I desire more than 1 romantic relationship. Like right now I have my girlfriend who is also a nesting partner, she has a Dom/Sub relationship with another man but it is romantic in nature. I am currently dating another woman and it's looking like it's going to turn into a relationship. The woman I am dating has always had monogamous relationships but it just takes a lot of communication. That's true for all ENM (Ethically Non-monogamous) relationships, I say that Polyamory is a "flavor" of ENM. One thing that was problematic for me personally was when my girlfriend had an extra partner and I did not. It was tough seeing her have NRE (New Relationship Energy) and here I am not having any luck. But once I found someone accepting to date, it all changed. It's very difficult for CIS HET men to be polyamorous, we're not well liked by a large portion of the community and there is honestly good reason.
I really like the idea of what he describes as a "Monogam-ish" relationship, however, I personally could never get involved any any other kind. I justify that one because it's unnatural if, say, you live a complicated life and you decide to split from your partner for a few months at a time, so you can both explore different paths (even though you may always love each other more than anyone else.) This to me feels okay because you're still allowed to express natural sexual intercourse while not disrupting your association with your partner.
As a person who is an open relationship i can only say i believe its best to start monogamous and open the relationship later when it is a mutual decision by both parties
It’s just hard loving someone so much and seeing them love someone else. It’s not for me....maybe love is about being possessive...maybe it feels good for some one to be possessive of you...and only you...
I think being monogamish or swinging is more sustainable for a pair bond to open up to. In my experience, very few already married couples can stay married through more than 7 years of polyamory. Some can do it, but they are unique. Many many more married couples stay together happily through 10 years + of swinging. I've been involved swinging and polyamory for 18 years. The solo poly people tend to be able to do poly for a long time too in cities with sufficient poly people. It's barely different from "dating around" except all parties are much more informed and more likely to be at events/parties together.
My partner and I have been together 11.5 years and open + poly for the past 10 of them. Happy to report that there's lots of different ways to do relationships successfully 😄
What if the couple have kids? Should they tell them if it's so when is the true time? And in US is that really okay to be in open relationship and tell friends or people around you?
Monogamy is so boring!!! Friendships should not have boundaries. If I am horny, I shouldn't have to have the same old sex with the same partner every time. I want variety and so does my partner(my husband). We have been poly for years without even realizing it. We hang out and do "relationship things " with the people in our other relationships without the label, and without the expectation of our other "relationships" going anywhere because we already have each other. My boyfriend that I am seeing also has a girlfriend, so if he decides to marry, that will never affect what we have, because our relationship is different. Hope I explained my poly relationship clearly.
What words do you use to describe your relationship?
@Mr Lopez those are great words for a relationship!
Brian Murphy We started out as an open relationship (little over a year ago), but with lots of talk about polyamory. We both had ideas about polyamory before we met, but no real experience. (Some monogamish experiences on my side). Well, the first year with open relationship went great, and now we seem to be heading towards polyamory to a fuller extent, as my bf has a new romantic interest, and I am enthusiastically happy for him/them. I love this for us! 💞
@@NinaS___ that's so great to hear Nina!
exclusive and content
I’m solo poly.
I have a different perspective to share. Me and my girlfriend started out in open repationship, not bullshitting each other and talking about everything. From the very beginning i told her that im polyamorous and she told me that theres no point to start pretending that we are willing to loose our freedoms; that we both desire, since.. im polyamor and she was in shitty straight monogamic relationship fo 9 and 2 years.
After 2 months from beginning we started to fall in love and talked about it again and desided that still want to appreciate each others individualism and operate together as each others lovers and going through life and everything together with absolute honesty. Also at that time she accidentally got pregnant, we talked about it alot and she decided that she appreciates my life choices and did aportion. While going through that, i had my incident with somebody else, and when i told her that, it hurt her, but she somewhatgot over it, being very rational about it, we talked about everything previously written and i ensured her that she is the one i love! but as reality goes, that doesnt ensure the protection against jealousy and thinking irrationally (both of us),, but thats the best i could to, besides actually loving her.
So, a month after that, when we were partying and i walked her home i told her, that there was somebody who i liked and is it okay with her if i fool around with her, if it happens... and then it all started.
She told me that she feels differently now, since we are so in love, and she doesnt know if she could ever do it... nor to handle if i do it. She undestands and appreciates alot that i told her about my polyamory for the very beginning...BUT now the situation is so different, and it is! Even i can feel it, although im still polyamorish.
Within one month, we have been listening so many lectures and videos about polyamory pros and cons together, arguing and trying to figure it out, but it seems we dont know how to solve it. So, both of us thought it would be interesting to write about it under those same videos we watch and see what others think about it. Since most videos about it are very generalized, we hope one specific story gives more thoughts suited for our own struggle with it. We are still in an open relationship since we strongly define ouselves as individuals and appreciate that alot, but we love each other alot and we try to figure it out as much as possible so that we can live our lives with the fullest and at the same time keep the love we have, trying not to hurt each other as much as we can.
She is very dont to earth and so am i, but damn, those feelings are sooo strong, i love her so much, but i cant bare the idea to give my freedom away for something i've never been. She understands that nobody will get the same love i give her, but she doesnt know how she would react when something actually happens- will she know it in that moment or totally leave me?
When i wrote it and showed it to her, she got very emotiońal, saying about the incident that she somewhat got over it, but every time she hears, reads or thinks about it, it hurts her.
Thank you, if you answer, everything is welcome!
Im going through something similar. My partner started another relationship. I was always against it. Not understanding how if he loved me he could want someone else. After three years i can say i feel jealous. He wont end it with her. Now i am alone. Could you explain to me how you can still love your partner while being with others. I am really struggling with this
Hey just wondering if you figured it out since I am thinking about the same situation
@@chelsea5595 We figured out, we will try threesome, and move from there. but 2 months ago she was diagnosed with skin cancer for second time, so everything else is on hold. :)
@chris west hi there. I know you weren't specifically talking to me, but I saw your comment and thought I could provide my personal experience.
First off, I hope things have gotten at least a little better for you. You were (and maybe still are) going through a lot of pain, and I really feel that.
Here's the story, abbreviated, of myself and my partner. We've been together for nearly 6 years now and are getting married in a few months. We've been polyamorous, solidly, for about 3 of those years. It certainly wasn't all sunshine and rainbows throughout, however.
From the moment we met, she had expressed to me that she wasn't looking for anything strictly monogamous. All I had ever known prior to her was that lifestyle, but those relationships had all ended up being destructive and toxic and had left me feeling like I was living a lie. I had firmly believed that I would be single forever because I had come to realize that I could strongly be in love with more than one person. I just wasn't the best about handling those emotions in my early to mid-20s. I was also led strongly by a cultural expectation to never pursue anything outside of monogamy, being from a mixed race ethnic background.
When my partner presented this an option for us from the start, I saw hope. She supported me and educated me on how to ethically and responsibly coexist in a non-monogamous relationship.
I had my struggles early on, reaching out to women and men, setting up dates without communicating with my partner until after the dates were set. I carried on flirtacious conversation while my partner was unaware.
I was far from easy to deal with, and I had so much to learn going forward and unlearn from my past.
We tested the waters by going to events and forming friend groups with wonderful, nice people. We went to small seminars on ENM (ethical non-monogamous) relationships, the pros and cons, struggles, and amazing positives.
For her part, she had struggles of self-worth and being horribly mistreated in the past. So, trust was a hurdle for us.
We've emerged on the other side of those trials much stronger than ever. We have a polycule with our closest friends and partners, and it's the most fulfilling experience of my life!
So, my advice to you is, if you want to explore alternative relationships. Know that it is no different than any other relationship, essentially. There are similar virtues:
1. Effective Communication
2. Trust
3. Love, Support, and Affirmation
If you can find these in a partner, then you can consider moving forward and exploring new things with them.
@chris west I said all that and reread your comment. I have a little more to add. If he wasn't willing to leave this other person and is still trying to keep you despite your protests... this seems like a person who isn't exactly trustworthy as an ENM partner. If you have no interest in exploring your relationship in that manner and they are not respecting your boundaries, you need to end things. In my opinion. It would be best for your own mental and emotional well-being.
I am Polyamorous with my husband. His friends are in his ear about him "allowing" me to see other people (So far I have a boyfriend), and I'm like.... They aren't married to me, you are. And no one is allowing me to do anything. I am my own person, just like he is his own person. I love my boyfriend so much. But I also love my husband in the same way. I don't want to have my boyfriend's kid or anything, but I really love and care about him, and intend to be with him for as long as we are living.
grew up with monogamous parents who got divorced when I was 13. Dad became poly but has for the most part stayed with the same partner all my life. He has shown me the reality of poly life rather than the romanticized version of it. It does take work & excellent communication. As a young adult, I've been very poly curious but anytime I've entered a relationship with a partner that I'm drawn to they may be ok with an open relationship in the very beginning but quickly change their mind. I think I've felt like I was being selfish for wanting anything else in a relationship and because I didn't want to lose them I'd stay. The current one I'm in I'm very happy & connect really well with him but once again I sacrificed being poly because he didn't want to share time or attention with anyone else. I'm trying to just journal and explore whether or not this is really something to try. Especially if it's at the cost of someone I really love and enjoy being with. He is open to talking with me with just about anything but that topic he is close minded about & it's uncomfortable. I feel like the bad guy. Anyway, I'm going to try to keep exploring and having those hard conversations. Wish me luck. I hope wherever you are on your path you have the courage to be open, honest & true.
Thanks for sharing some of your story. I’m glad you’re here! You’re definitely not selfish and not wrong for wanting to explore relationship structures that honor your whole self and your agency. Monogamy is pushed on us by culture and men, in particular, are trained to expect control and ownership over their/our partners (even if they don’t recognize it as such). Journaling has been super helpful for me. Sending you luck. If you ever want some one-on-one support, reach out at briangerald.com/apply
I find it utterly hard, I have been in an open relationship for the past 8 months... The problem is that I feel no comfortableness in it.
I talked about it with my "girlfriend" (quote on quote because she does not fancy that term), I said to her that I want no other than her, I only want to be with her. She told me "It is your decision not to be with anyone else", so she can if she wants.
I love her, I love being with her, but every time we touch the topic a little, my emotional state just crashes. But I do not show that to her, she would instantly notice that I am not really into an open relationship and she would just say "Ok, just friends now, you are not good with that I pursue".
Even writing this is hard... I do not know.
Leave her. Your desires are not compatible and she is not being receptive to what you need while you’re allowing her to do what she wants at the expense of your own happiness in the relationship. That’s problematic.
If this is how you feel, then talk to her about it. If she truly loves you wants to be with you, she'll respect that. If she doesn't want what you want then accept it and move on. There are plenty monogamous fish in the sea.
@@nobunuggets9088 Thank you for your insight. I truly appreciate it
@@TheMauroTelles No problem. Just remember, we have very limited time on Earth. We should do what makes us happy. We should live fulfilling lives and spend time with the people that add value to our lives and don't end up being wasted time and stress.
Be open and tell her how you feel.
I call myself polyamorous because I desire more than 1 romantic relationship. Like right now I have my girlfriend who is also a nesting partner, she has a Dom/Sub relationship with another man but it is romantic in nature. I am currently dating another woman and it's looking like it's going to turn into a relationship. The woman I am dating has always had monogamous relationships but it just takes a lot of communication. That's true for all ENM (Ethically Non-monogamous) relationships, I say that Polyamory is a "flavor" of ENM. One thing that was problematic for me personally was when my girlfriend had an extra partner and I did not. It was tough seeing her have NRE (New Relationship Energy) and here I am not having any luck. But once I found someone accepting to date, it all changed. It's very difficult for CIS HET men to be polyamorous, we're not well liked by a large portion of the community and there is honestly good reason.
Appreciate you talking about polyamory, I hope it becomes more normalized.
Thanks Erin!
I really like the idea of what he describes as a "Monogam-ish" relationship, however, I personally could never get involved any any other kind.
I justify that one because it's unnatural if, say, you live a complicated life and you decide to split from your partner for a few months at a time, so you can both explore different paths (even though you may always love each other more than anyone else.) This to me feels okay because you're still allowed to express natural sexual intercourse while not disrupting your association with your partner.
As a person who is an open relationship i can only say i believe its best to start monogamous and open the relationship later when it is a mutual decision by both parties
It’s just hard loving someone so much and seeing them love someone else. It’s not for me....maybe love is about being possessive...maybe it feels good for some one to be possessive of you...and only you...
Love is the exact opposite of that actually
This was immensely helpful, thank you Brian !!
you're welcome!
I think being monogamish or swinging is more sustainable for a pair bond to open up to. In my experience, very few already married couples can stay married through more than 7 years of polyamory. Some can do it, but they are unique. Many many more married couples stay together happily through 10 years + of swinging. I've been involved swinging and polyamory for 18 years. The solo poly people tend to be able to do poly for a long time too in cities with sufficient poly people. It's barely different from "dating around" except all parties are much more informed and more likely to be at events/parties together.
My partner and I have been together 11.5 years and open + poly for the past 10 of them. Happy to report that there's lots of different ways to do relationships successfully 😄
Thanks for the video. Btw I like the color of your nails. 🙂
you're welcome! and thanks :) 💅
So is an open relationship a type of polyamory?
they can be! there's lots of overlaps, but sometimes people describe themselves as one but not the other. I explain it all in the video :)
No
What if the couple have kids? Should they tell them if it's so when is the true time? And in US is that really okay to be in open relationship and tell friends or people around you?
Good Ideea. An open relationship.Oh yep also poly. Who mind few in plus.What word to describe it, freedom of mind and no need for jealousy.
love that!!
You seem like you were trained by Thais Gibson! 🙂
I am a poly, and I don't like that hook up girls/boys or run 1-2 moths relationships during your primary partner is not poliamory.
This guy is very confusing as he doesnt really explain anything
@Mr Lopez hi, actually i like your comments. Just curious, where are You from?. Saludos !.
Open relationship and poly are 2 different things
Monogamy is so boring!!! Friendships should not have boundaries. If I am horny, I shouldn't have to have the same old sex with the same partner every time. I want variety and so does my partner(my husband). We have been poly for years without even realizing it. We hang out and do "relationship things " with the people in our other relationships without the label, and without the expectation of our other "relationships" going anywhere because we already have each other. My boyfriend that I am seeing also has a girlfriend, so if he decides to marry, that will never affect what we have, because our relationship is different. Hope I explained my poly relationship clearly.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Can I please have your email would love to talk an I have so many questions.?
You can drop me a message at: briangerald.com/hello
There’s nothing wrong with polyamory! It’s just not for everyone.
agreed!
Please don’t overanalyze stuff
"polyamory" is how attention deficit applies to a relationship