Emotionally literacy isn't so much about knowing WHY you're feeling something....it's more about knowing you're feeling that thing/owning it and having the capacity to articulate that to yourselves or others
Sa archer great points.. i do feel knowing the WHY can help with the transforming and shifting feelings. Understanding an origination can be a guidepost to further evolution.
This was simple yet very powerful. I appreciate someone telling me about something and not trying to "convert" me to it. Well done and it gave me great food for thought.
I know Im asking randomly but does anybody know a method to get back into an Instagram account?? I stupidly forgot the login password. I would love any assistance you can give me
I wish I had watched this video years ago. RIPower Kel. I just found out she passed and I am sad. Emotional literacy is so important. Kel was only 20 years old. A bright star whose light was obscured way too soon.
I miss Kel so much. They were such a role model for me in the communities we shared. Their warmth and compassion was a beacon to all who were lucky enough to be around it, and their wisdom was hard-earned and irreplaceable. Wherever it is that they are now, they're making it better.
oceanceaser That's about where I'm at with it. I find that in relationships, attention still plays by the same rules; the wider the breadth, the shallower the depth.
It's honestly really easy to dedicate your full self to many people. Some people can't do it, others find it is natural and perfect. Most often polyamorous people have that special boundless love that they can bestow to their full extent to many different people.
Love is not what I was talking about. I was referring to attention. Attention is a matter of how much time one has in the day, the processing power of the brain, and how many places a person can be at once. None of those factors are infinite. The consequence of that, for traditional relationships and polyamorous relationships alike is having to prioritize one's time, one's focus, and one's presence. Prioritizing means having to make choices about who comes first in your life, who comes second, who comes third, and who doesn't rate your time at all. When confronted with this reality, rhetoric about polyamorous people having some special capacity beyond normal people falls notably flat. Calling one's love 'boundless' is meaningless when one's ability to express love through action is limited by fundamentally human boundaries... and to pretend otherwise is in a very real sense dishonest... primarily to one's self.
I like the Huxley's analogy of a pipe containing water under pressure. Poke one hole and you have an intense stream. The more holes you put in it, the less intense each stream becomes. You have a limited supply of time, and effort, and the more you divide it, the less devoted you can be to each person
Woaw my eyes has tears of joy.. Its only been 2 days since Im watching videos about polygamy then polyamory because I wanted to research about the way I am and Im discovering that Im not alone thinking like this and all you said sounds exactly like the thoughts in my head when I analyse my love lifestyle. Not all of us are monogamous and if all societies could understand that without being judgemental life would be so much easier for many. There are 2 main concepts that I've identified in all the videos explaining poly, it requires honest communication and deep self analysis which says a lot about me and my ability therefore to be so tolerant while staying true to myself. GREAT VIDEO!!!
@@Cthippo1 I just love what u did here , spot on question. About 1 year after I posted that original comment , my relationship at that time ended. My ex being a good friend still. Then in my next relationship which is still alive , Im at least able to comfortably openly discuss it with my partner. We are working on many aspects of our growth and the poly possibility is considered. _There was a failed attempt tho, to make long story short - a nosy snitch snake cousin of mine had this life crisis moment where he took everything down with him (caused so much chaos but mostly got affected himself tho). I trusted him and he knew what i was aiming for relationshipwise, I was smoothly building it up but the fact that my partner learned about it from him along with his tons of lies mixed with it , instead of hearing it from ME who was getting both women to know each other and about each other gradually and successfully so far ; that done ruined it. Didnt know after 20 years of closeness with him that he was so envidious of me ! Oh well.. _*_gotta start all over again from scratch & with a different approach , because the predisposition to establish the poly experience is already there._*
Such a good comparison with having lots of friends, you love them all and your love for one doesn't diminish if you make a new friend. Yay for the grey area in the spectrum!
Lol actually that’s not true , sometimes you grow out of them and you find another best friend your MAIN then that’s when your so called friend gets triggered sometimes ending in bad conflicts
I have been a supporter of polyamory for a long time but always thought it wasn't for us. Almost 12 years into our marriage we discovered that it was indeed for us. It has been very fulfilling and I'd say has actually brought us closer
This talk warms my heart. What an inspiring way to be. I am grateful for the honesty, simplicity and heartfelt description of the compersion experience in polyamorous relationships. Knowing that others are in it with this understanding, as well devoted to emotional intelligence and honesty can create a more likely space for understanding and acceptance in self and others. Taking on others as a part of yourself who you support in their personal growth. I appreciate the emphasis on the importance of being up front with others. This is where the act of living love deepens as a compassionate commitment. It's a more beautiful world when people have options and experience life in ways that bring them alive for feeling vibrant in their being. A powerful giving life expansive talk. It's understandable how much your presence is and remains so valuable Kel Walters in your passing. I wish I had the companionship of a person like you to have helped me see and understand this perspective without feeling it as a secretive game, something shameful, 'wrong', 'less than', 'not enough' or 'too much'. Just to feel the freedom in being seen, heard, presencing with acceptance, truly appreciating one another, while growing in contentment, joy and personal satisfaction. Thank You to those who contribute on this level to see one another with growing joy and compassion
I agree - it is a bit ridiculous to feel you'll only ever love one person. Does that always make you poly? No, it doesn't. Your actions define commitment. Relationships are about emotional investment. The issues I see with poly is stability and financial resources. If we cannot provide adequate amounts of emotional resources to even ourselves, how can we bring more people to spread our resources thin? Monogamous relationships facilitate security if you plan on having a family. That is the sole purpose, unless we live in tribes / small communities then this structure works best. If you don't plan on having children, poly would seemingly work much better. The main argument here is actually self awareness and emotional healing/well-being. It doesn't matter what style of relationship you're in - a vast majority of us don't have the emotional tools or motivation to actively heal our own negative patterns, let alone facilitate multiple relationships AND have financial resources to take care of a large family unit. Studies have shown that serial monogamy is the most common human relationship pattern style. I could have said the same thing at a young age about being poly before I knew what emotional investment and commitment meant in a relationship. It is pretty presumtuous and believe that the reasons people cheat or have unsuccessful monogamous relationships is because you're always poly. There is a lot more at work, we tend to project our subconscious patterns onto others and make a big mess of it. Both styles are natural and normal, but I don't agree that being poly is "more ethical" in any way. Hypothetically I can agree with how polyamory works, especially when people have separate partners and choose not to enmesh into triangulated situations. I am sure poly has existed much longer, but it feels like a new age cop out. There are plenty of people that exist who could facilitate relationships like this well, but definitely not the vast majority of people claiming to be poly. That is where it erks me. Monogamous or not, the intergenerational trauma and childhood wounds are still present. If you have a lack of self awareness you will emotionally harm yourself and others in the process, even if you are honest. It takes more to be a healthy partner of any type. If you want to sleep with multiple people, be in an open relationship. Don't claim you have the tools to satisfy the emotional needs of many if you don't have the ability to do so.
WOW I have thinking for years that monogamy was not the ONLY way ....and now all of the suden after having the chance to learn about TED talks I have founded that i was not alone on this way of thinking !! I love this talk ...I will spread the word among my netwotk .Thanks Kel for this quite interesting talk !!
@@cterence1767, the common usage of "love" as a noun allows people to treat it as something that is passive and can occur whether (or not) anybody takes action to maintain it. English also uses the single word "love" to describe several different activities and states that may (or may not) be congruent.
I'm very introverted, but my partner is most definitely not. His primary partner is more introverted than I am, so we provide a balance for him... He'd probably be arrested or dead otherwise. It's also important to note that his openness affects both of us in that we have become more open and assertive. We influence and support each other in a variety of ways. neither me or his primary would probably have thought poly was something we'd explore, but here we are, functioning and hapy as long as he checks his calendar before trying to make plans. :)
Polyamory is not so much someone dating multiple parties who happen to be cool with it as it is multiple parties all collectively dating each other. Love is an extension of oneself, they are a part of you, you are a part of them. If another party is part of either one of you, they by extension have to be a part of the other since they are a part of them too. Love is not a competition.
I fully agree and I'm super happy to announce that i finally have a chance to prove this beautiful theory in practice! It works amazingly and ive always known that im fully capable if loving more than one person at a time :) and my love to X does not interfere at all with my love to Y. Love!
You have to the ability to be in love with many people, I for one perfer to cultivate and create an intimate relationship with one person. Do you know how much effort it is to be in a relationship? I dont the energy nor the time for more than one intimate relationship.
@@brycebeverly9537 but conflict is inevitable. If one partner irritates me, i feel like i could just love the other non irritating partner more and distance myself from the irritating partner instead of looking for ways to work things out
Commitment to a singular objective or person in ones life is also something humans achieve and have achieved across ages. Emotionally literate people are also the ones who make huge sacrifices, adjustments and compromises. These are traits found in us and have helped us build social bonds that withstand the test of time. Sadness, sacrifice, jealousy, guilt, are all emotions that one has to live with along with happiness and tranquility. We cannot resolve everything to make our lives simpler. All these emotions come with sticking with only one person throughout. And it is absolutely ok. And I don't think anyone is missing out on anything by not being polyamorous.
Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet was not about love but rather infatuation and its dangers. Therefore, Juliet's reference to her "boundless love" is not about the depths of a desire to give and care for someone else but rather it is a reference to the power of her emotions and her inability to control those emotions. Of course, that principle applies to her and Romeo. That point, though, does not discount the possibility that we can love many people at the same time; it does, though, distinguish between infatuation ('the way you make me feel') and authentic or companionate love ("the way I want to give to you.')
So far anyone i met that claimed to be poly had a terrible childhood. And are very volatile , sensitive and all over the place. Can't really commit. Claim to seek connections with people, but at the same time do never really commit. And experiance the connection they get with people to be more meaningful than they are. They never have been stable people. They also seem oblivious to how their actions affect others. They also seek validation a lot. Not the healthiest of people.
If you cant do the honor of choosing ONE and doing right by that one person and giving all your love and undivided attention because you love and wanna make that person happy, if you cant do that your a terrible lover its not real love its a selfish empty feast where no one is truely deeply fed, so you dont deserve that person. OR anyone. You can say you love all of them all you want, BUT as time and attention is limited, do right and kindly choose to give it all to one instead of sefishly choosing all and non gets all just all gets crumbs. And if you really really love that person you CAN choose and want to choose to gift all your limited time to them. Make them feel special and all that loveliness and that bond. Never feel left out. Etc. Thay only us bonded feeling, that chosen feeling cause you really love that person.
I have come to realise, being friends with many polyamorous people, that some people do not seek or are incapable (pls don’t get mad) of emotional depth and these people fare far better in polyamorous relationships. Other people are better suited to mutualist relationships of deep healing and partnership and that is best served by a monogamous relationships. All depends on the individual. Of course, if you’re the latter, do not get into a relationship with the former and vice versa. We’re all different and need different things to feel fulfilled. The poly people I know have a different criteria for who they regard as friends or partners as myself. I think their criteria is shallow, they think my criteria is too emo and unrealistic. Lol.
You can also have one primary partner and still have other romantic partners. But you just have to be open to whatever makes you happy and accept your needs.
For me, settling down would be sharing a home with all my partners and metamours (my partners' partners). I do not believe in marriage or having biological children myself. However, my partners can have and do those things with their other partners. We would be a big happy polyamorous family.
I was with a woman who wanted to explore polyamory and i found the idea interesting, so i started seeing 2 women at the same time from the start, both of them knowing about the other. I've always had the intention of them meeting each other and potentially more than that. In no time she got jealous and told me she changed her mind and wanted to go more exclusive and saw me as a serious option for building a future together. We've talked more about it and it seemed she said things like "i know a few people who are polyamorous and none of them are where they want to be", so i thought she actually changed her mind. 4 month later she asked me what i thought about her having "relations" with two other people she met on a trip, without me getting involved. This time i got hurt and confused about the double standard/one way street and got tf out. We talked some more after breaking up and she wasn't consistent in what she said about her feelings towards others. At first it was 1 person she was attracted to, the second time it was two and the third time it was the two and a bunch more. I think she already did stuff since when i asked she bend her head when she said no and i think she had replaced me before it was over. Wouldn't surprise me if she had one of her "true loves" come over shortly after i pulled the plug. That's my expience with polyamory in practice. I see it as a way of making sure you get the the attention you so desperatly need, a way of creating an appearance of connection without true connection, a way of creating escapes to avoid pain while putting the risk of pain you don't want to experience onto others and of course creating a casino like constuction (the house always wins) of "love" to spread and lower your chances of ending up alone. Most of all i think it's more about lust than love, because love doesn't inherently require s*x. It's not for me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.....
Wow. Thank You for sharing your experience. I honor the depth of emotion involved and the fact that it becomes convenient to 'switch' from poly to monogamy, then back...... That in itself is a barrier toward developing trust and intimacy. It's true what you say. People show up at many levels of awareness. Some without a developed self-concept, not enough emotional intelligence or honesty. I myself have needed work in all these areas and have lead a monogamous life. I never had the opportunity to have multiple partners, yet am grateful to learn so much more about what it takes in self awareness to partner freely while opening oneself to polyamorous relationships. I can see how double-standards unseen, unexplored bring up tension and being unsure of where you stand once in it can leave anyone questioning how to create, have and hold better boundaries - for self let alone having multiple partners. I can't help but wonder from your experience for what you surmised, if you were able to openly express what you were observing taking place in the relationship without judgement and how that made you feel or what you may have needed? I ask as a closer here for the hope that you were able to experience your needs compassionately while seeing hers/others, despite things not working out time being. Wish you opportunities to find what works for you and fundamentally the loving support you seem to value/seek.
@@melissaoconnell5648 thanks for your interest. I've never been more open in communicating what I feel, see or think. I tend to be a people pleaser due to my upbringing, distorted experience(s) with how relationships work and past relationships that were mostly based on rescuing the other. But I'm trying to break patterns and find a way to eventually establish a healthy relationship with someone that loves herself enough so that's an honour she wants to share that with me. I also try to be my own true love instead of seeking an external force to be my lifeline. This to me seems like a more secure way of walking the path of life without the need of others, but I do appreciate the presence and input of others though. I think we're not so different in a lot of ways. I just know now that polyamory, open relationships etc. are not for me and that's something I learned from this experience. It seems interesting in theory, but I think in most cases someone is going to get hurt in the long run and I don't want that. Not for me and not for others either. I wish you all the best as well!
My only problem with this type of relationship is STDs. And that's why I have a problem with tattoos as well. If your partner gives you an STD, they can say I got it tattoo needles. But a poly relationship has a higher risk of STDs than mono relationships. That's a fact. My ideal poly relationship would be two women who love each other and me. No one else. Or two twins. That would be awesome. But I think about kids in poly relationships and how those partners explain who is the father etc. But humans are great at lying to themselves, look at religion. Women in the west are lucky they live in a society that accepts these types of relationships and it's true that what happens in the bedroom should be private. I don't want to know what anyone else does. I am just concerned about my relationship. I hope that makes sense. But I would rather have a 1 on 1 relationship instead of a poly. But I understand the financial safety of having many partners.
Sure the more I give love, I have more... But more than three partners and I justs can't keep up with how much I want to be with everyone. So infinite love doesn't mean infinite partners XP
I'm not sure what you mean. But I'm assuming you mean poly relationships always result in one person getting hurt? This is an oversimplification. But my question is, how many monogomous relationships involve hurt? Do you think monogamy will save you from hurt? How many people do you meet that have been cheated on, how many relationships last forever?
So does.... like so many reasonable behaviors in a relationship? Sometimes I'm hurt when my partner wants to play video games instead of cuddle. That doesn't mean I should demand he stop all his hobbies. Instead we discuss--like adults-- why i was hurt, when it is or isn't okay to play video games, and what my reasonable expectations should be for cuddling.
Jasmine Mine It is not about hetero- or homo- or bi- sexuality :) It's about multiple relations, for example one woman have relations with two men - it's hetero relation.
Tomir Kozakiewicz you did not understand me. I wanted to say that although I am hetera, I understand perfectly, without prejudice, the subject. Dear. and sorry, do not know much English.
Jasmine Mine Aha, ok :) I thought that You think - because You are hetero than the polyamory coldn't be an option for You :) Your english is good enought :) Mine english is not perfect too ;) Have a nice day.
Tomir Kozakiewicz yes, maybe it's possible with me. : D Thanks, even though it is only a delicacy. My English is basic, use google translator to help me. Have a nice day. Hug.
Being able to tell what I am feeling is helpful. "Why I am feeling what I am feeling" ... leaves much room for wrong interpretation, and speculation stretched to maintain a coherent self-concept. I guess it is still worth trying to figure our why I am feeling sth., but probably with a grain of salt.
Shalyse wright-bethea are you a friend? The article does not name her. Keep us updated. These hits on scientists and alternate thinkers should be exposed.
karika1999 I knew them, kind of, I never met them in real life but we talked a lot on facebook, we went to the same summer camp, at different times but we met on some facebook groups, Kel was killed, I saw a later article on it that has their info on it.
It would be interesting if this topic was covered by people whose cultural background is informed by polygamy, at the same time I appreciate that we are learning to jump off and burst our bubble because truthfully speaking monogamy is a new concept in human affairs.
I think that equating emotional literacy with polyamorous relationships is reaching. It's almost like it's looking for some kind of an excuse. It's not for me, I believe people that engage in this may be settling for something less and trying to intellectualize it to prove its "correct". The reality is, who cares. Do what you want but dont try to make it seem like you're somehow superior.
I felt the same way like, I can do emotional shadow work without doing poly so her statement was not good , and about comparing friends was not good either because we all have that one best friend the MAIN and when we see our best friend is with someone else or abandon us in some way it’s like bye pretty much sometimes just cutting off completely, and the love is not as bright as before they found another besty ,, I think she could of done a better job or maybe she can’t find any good ideas not sure 🤔
Wrinkled Pugoda the same way it does with two parents except with an extra set of hands available...we take turns dealing with things and share the work load
Well, not because Im from the south east Asia where the so called 'polyamory culture' isn't discussed openly or practiced but here's what I have to ask should people resort to polyamory just because of this eloquently put allegation that humans are 'not monogamous'?? however eloquent the speakers on this subject are, Ive never come across one logical explanation as to a) why they'd choose being 'polyamorous' b) where is such a relationship headed to all I see is that people find a convenient excuse of being 'polyamorous' to get laid easily with multiple partners. In an age where many end up being single coz they know they don't have enough time for one partner, I don't see a single pragmatic reason why one would choose multiple "lovers". If humping is all that you want, why give the excuse of 'the need to be loved by multiple partners '? Today do people even understand the meaning of the word Love? You can't even love one person unconditionally and here someone wants to "love" multiple partners. s..l..o...w c....l...a.....p (The first time I ever felt like writing like this on a tedx video)
It’s my RUclips comment rival again. I go around supporting polyamory, and you go around opposing it. This is good. Helps people reach their own conclusions. To address your points: A. You choose to live that way because you feel that way. It doesn’t sound like you can relate, but it’s a strong feeling that monogamy doesn’t fit that usually clicks when one first learns about or experiences polyamory. B. Anywhere any other relationships go. I’m not the marrying/kid-having type myself, but I’ve met people who get married to one of their partners and have and raise kids in polycules. Hey, if you actually feel like responding, where are you coming from? Me? I’m a straight American who had two committed relationships at most, though right now I only have one, but my girlfriend and I are both dating, with some overlap. Clearly I’m damn happy about it, but I’m curious as to why you aren’t with similar energy
I mean, it's also a great excuse for acts of promiscuity, commit-phobes, boredom, feeling pressured into consent because you don't want to lose the safety blanket of your current partner. If we're going to talk about polyamory, we need to talk about the pros and cons. That would be the most emotional literate and responsible thing to do.
@@Kerastalise You missed, using your partner as a safety blanket because you have FOMO. Consumerism has really corrupted people, they are never satisfied - always looking for the next best thing. So sad.
@@CarolineSamorodin what have I missed and what do I fear since you know me apparently? Lol I know myself and know what I want and how I want it, so very opposite of sad. Lmao
@@Kerastalise It's more like it stems from a place with not being happy with what you have. You're never satisfied. Where you and I differ, is that my identity is not reliant or based on using other people to make myself feel validated. I do that on my own. But I am sure you'll use some excuse to convince yourself that's NOT what you're doing.
Ok, lemme say what i think about this subject, and i know a lot of people will not like what i have to say, i think people should try to wake up a little bit, of course love is a strong thing and must be infinite and pure, but you don't need to have sex with every random person you met to prove your point, of course if you want ok go ahead it's your life, but when you do this hurting someone else you're wrong, period, this is dumb and childish, the main problem with poliamory is because in some point you will always, i said ALWAYS, be hurting someone, most people don't truly believe in poliamory and have no mental maturity to deal with it, they are just needy for some attention and affection, and then boom, in this system someone WILL for sure start to get jealousy for something or falling in love for only one person, and yes this will happen you liking or not, and exaclty like in monogamy you have all the same problems, but in this case much more complex and with more people involved, because that person is not trying to fix his/her emotional issues, what's happening is that they are just trying to hide these problems behind a bealtiful utopian fairy tale, and like all fairy tales, it falls apart and people will get really damaged inside thinking the problem is with the relationship model they picked, of course this will happen with both sides in monogamy and poliamory. But, my problem with this subject is, just like monogamy poliamory might work for some people but will not work for everyone and the main problem is i think is wrong to sell the idea that poliamory is the cure for all problems of the human race, this is just absurd, and yes a LOT of people does that, and i saying a LOT because is like A LOT. And just a simple information to these people who think they are wrong for prefer monogamy, monogamy is NOT an exclusive trait of our species, it happens all over the animal kingdom expecially with birds, even fish, i said FISH have monogamy relationships for their entire life... seriously IMO, Poliamory is a BIG fat lie, just a reflection of a lazy and spoiled generation who thinks is better have everything they want because they are "special" and then not to have to worry about their true emotional struggles, poliamory is like more a vision of a teenager of how the world shoud be, no responsabilities at all, everyone knows how hard is to have a truly meaningful relationship, it is not something you can handle if you're not mature enough, because people cheat, because people lie and people lie a LOT, it's really briliant just arrive and say that this idea will help people to improve their emotional status and fix their issues, it's a lie ok, people need to work inside their own minds to improve their lives before just embrance another paradgm, because the problems will continue. So instead of build a society where people truly become able to fix their emotional problems like adults, you just let them live with them and hurt more people in this selfish scenario? Because that's exactly what poliamory does, it's just an utopian principle. Please, don't be chained in your teenager mind. I know it sounds like i just hate the idea of poliamory and i'm a pro-monogamy, and that's not the case, it's just the idea of some people embrace ideas how it was the ultimate answer when clearly it's not. I'll be happy to discuss the matter if someone have good ideas to share, of both sides of the coin of course, peace. xoxo
I honestly did not read everything you wrote because I feel like you are really looking at this subject from one perspective, which is alright. I think that it's just not something that you would be interested in and that's okay. But I will give you my opinion on the matter. It is not to provoke argument, but to express a different point of view that you may not have thought of: Many people actually live healthy and happy lifestyles within polyamorous relationships and the point is that everyone needs to be openly communicative and consenting, otherwise it CAN hurt people, but if everyone is respectful of one another and happy for each other's happiness, then that is what makes successful relationships. Just like you wouldn't let go of a friend just because you get into a monogamous, romantic relationship in order to make space in your life for someone new to love, the same goes for keeping romantic partners in your life. It is simply not for everyone, and the people who do engage in these relationships are usually fully aware of everyone's interests and that's what builds mature and responsible relationships within their circle.
Wow, that's a lot of writing for someone who quite obviously didn't actually pay any attention to the video at all. Yes, I read the entire mess, almost everything you mention was actually dealt with in the video. Grammar can be your friend. Punctuation, periods especially, paragraphs, and coherent sentence structure could all have helped to make that big pile of letters more readable. At least your spelling is decent.
...I'm literally a teenager LOL From here on until I turn 25, dreaming too hard and falling right on my face is my one and only job, and even I know this is no "ultimate answer" for anything?? It's just another option that might turn out good or bad. You know. Like dating in general. I'll check back in when I'm 30 and tell you how it went.
I am not judging you but let me get these questions strait. If your husband was dating someone else it wouldn't bother you? Or if your husband had a child from another female you would be alright with that? How many children does she have? So it wouldn't bother her if her partner left her for someone else or had a child by someone else? I would think for Polygamous relationships to work the law needs to be changed, wouldn't it?
polyamory is very good at creating very fake emotional literacy. To this day I personally haven't found a single example to prove me wrong and I'm looking quite a bit, yet all I see is a ton of people basically talking themselves into something they clearly don't fully enjoy or appreciate, but the allure of this wannabe sophisticated and different or more "emotionally literate" seems to be a powerful enough motivation and force to keep these people at it until it can't work anymore. Listen to the people in such relationships and you'll notice mostly what they talk about is their feelings of jealosy so you spend ages talking about it when the reality is quite brutally clear, no one is really fine with their partner going "open" and there are a ton of people who will disgree sure, but it is a test of time and some times like they say "you're so open-minded you're brains falls out" so I fear that this love for openmindedness actually blinds people to the actual reality and with it their actual feelings, but sure... lecture us on emotional literacy when all you might really need is a change of partner..
Yeah but like if we are using personal anecdotes this isn't true for me at all? My partner and I agreed to be poly. He has a boyfriend and so do i. The four of us when on a group date to go apple picking last weekend and had a blast. No one really had jealousy because seeing my partners happy made me happy. We didn't do it to be "open minded." We did it because while we were attracted to other people, we never stopped loving each other.
We never really had a moment where one pressured the other. Basically I was like "I have a crush on this other guy. Should I just let it go or can I date him?" and he was like "Thank God you asked because my friend and I are totally crushing on each other and being open sounds great."
Irene Knight But you don't really born as a monogamous or as a polygamous. You just make a choice with your preferences by considering the things you can let go and the things you can't.
They don’t always foster those emotions. If a person is feeling one or more of those emotions they should talk to their partner about it and try to figure out why. Additionally not everyone has that reaction upon seeing their partner being happy with someone else
Any relationship, polyamorous or monoamorous, can cause those emotions. But as with all emotions they can be dealt with healthily with the proper coping skills. Should we discard all types of romantic relationship styles because they may cause discomfort or hurt feelings from time to time?
Polyamory = Compensation ... and your emotional benefit is ridiculous as meant to be a way to make it sensible .... Jealousy is natural as I think and it is necessary to me to complete the full picture about love.
Jealousy can and does occur in polyamorous relationships just like it does in monoamorous relationships. However, jealousy like any other emotion can be dealt with the proper coping skills. Honest question: How is polyamory compensating and for what?
No, I would not wish away any uncomfortable or less than pleasant emotion, I may have. I would much rather learn how to feel, accept, and cope with all emotions healthily and productively than to wish any of them away. I will admit I do not jealousy. I am much more likely to feel compersion when one of my partners begins dating another person. Compersion is the sense of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another. But I know my partners do experience jealousy from time to time. We discuss what may be causing this feeling and try to find ways to help cope with it healthily.
I want to bring some new things into our marriage. There has been infidelities. I know what we need but she is not with sharing. I'd like a female and she can have a male. We need to break tradition and allow our family to break away from the old. I love her enough to try new. I would accept no and never step out. I also know that bringing in a open minded roommate could allow for some more income and fun. When I met her I had three other women. I do love my wife and will make the necessary changes to keep her happy. Just saying.
Interesting how a majority of the “non-traditional” lifestyles don’t usually have children. Humans are evolutionarily developed as a procreating species and that has usually meant monogamy. I like how some of these people are so casually arrogant in suggesting how the millions of years that it took for us to develop...well, those traditions are wrong. You want some emotional intelligence...try actually raising kids and not giving up on their parent. That’ll teach you a whole damn lot.
Infantile narcissism wants to control mama. If someones' first move is to assure monogamy in a relationship, it is a parasite/host relationship that they are looking for, not a partner.
Well that's quite judgmental... all she is doing is presenting information and ideas, and you're making assumptions about her family and upbringing. Says a lot more about you than her. If you cannot fathom a different style of relationship than monogamy, that's fine... but there's no need to be rude
She gives a working definition of polyamory '. . . with all partners knowledge and 'consent' however 'consent' or permission by definition implies an owner; however I thought there are no owners in polyamory.
Consent is defined as having permission for something to happen or agreement to do something; permission is synonymous to authorization; authorization is to be given authority; authority is defined as having ownership.
Emotionally literacy isn't so much about knowing WHY you're feeling something....it's more about knowing you're feeling that thing/owning it and having the capacity to articulate that to yourselves or others
Sa archer great points.. i do feel knowing the WHY can help with the transforming and shifting feelings. Understanding an origination can be a guidepost to further evolution.
This was simple yet very powerful. I appreciate someone telling me about something and not trying to "convert" me to it. Well done and it gave me great food for thought.
Thank you for supporting the hypothesis that simple things amuse simple minds
@@seanl548 LOOOL!! the burn.
I know Im asking randomly but does anybody know a method to get back into an Instagram account??
I stupidly forgot the login password. I would love any assistance you can give me
@@seanl548 Thank you for showing that a closed mind is a small mind.
I love the emphasis on emotional literacy and personal responsibility.
I wish I had watched this video years ago. RIPower Kel. I just found out she passed and I am sad. Emotional literacy is so important. Kel was only 20 years old. A bright star whose light was obscured way too soon.
What? How did she pass?
I’m monogamous but I’m really glad I’ve started to try and make an effort at understanding polyamory. The friend example was a great one in the vid!
I miss Kel so much. They were such a role model for me in the communities we shared. Their warmth and compassion was a beacon to all who were lucky enough to be around it, and their wisdom was hard-earned and irreplaceable. Wherever it is that they are now, they're making it better.
For myself, I don't think that I could truly love someone to the fullest extent if I knew that they had a similar relationship with someone else.
oceanceaser That's about where I'm at with it. I find that in relationships, attention still plays by the same rules; the wider the breadth, the shallower the depth.
caffeinedelusions Thats a good way of putting it
It's honestly really easy to dedicate your full self to many people. Some people can't do it, others find it is natural and perfect. Most often polyamorous people have that special boundless love that they can bestow to their full extent to many different people.
Love is not what I was talking about. I was referring to attention. Attention is a matter of how much time one has in the day, the processing power of the brain, and how many places a person can be at once. None of those factors are infinite. The consequence of that, for traditional relationships and polyamorous relationships alike is having to prioritize one's time, one's focus, and one's presence. Prioritizing means having to make choices about who comes first in your life, who comes second, who comes third, and who doesn't rate your time at all. When confronted with this reality, rhetoric about polyamorous people having some special capacity beyond normal people falls notably flat. Calling one's love 'boundless' is meaningless when one's ability to express love through action is limited by fundamentally human boundaries... and to pretend otherwise is in a very real sense dishonest... primarily to one's self.
I like the Huxley's analogy of a pipe containing water under pressure. Poke one hole and you have an intense stream. The more holes you put in it, the less intense each stream becomes.
You have a limited supply of time, and effort, and the more you divide it, the less devoted you can be to each person
The Polyamorous community misses you Kel. Two years since you've passed but your words still ring true today.
oh no :O :(
Owow... What happened to her and why?
She died or she left the polyamorous community?
She was killed in a hit and run accident while on a walk
We do. Poly Leadership. Imagine her being here today.
At least she had a chance to share her views before she passed. Rest her soul.
Woaw my eyes has tears of joy.. Its only been 2 days since Im watching videos about polygamy then polyamory because I wanted to research about the way I am and Im discovering that Im not alone thinking like this and all you said sounds exactly like the thoughts in my head when I analyse my love lifestyle. Not all of us are monogamous and if all societies could understand that without being judgemental life would be so much easier for many.
There are 2 main concepts that I've identified in all the videos explaining poly, it requires honest communication and deep self analysis which says a lot about me and my ability therefore to be so tolerant while staying true to myself. GREAT VIDEO!!!
The problem is people lie and pretend like they are monogomus, then get into marriages and cheat. It's silly!
The polyamour is for the polygamy that is love for the marriage ;)
@Rick Dubz So here it is five years later. Did you take the journey into Poly and how did it go?
@@Cthippo1 I just love what u did here , spot on question.
About 1 year after I posted that original comment , my relationship at that time ended. My ex being a good friend still.
Then in my next relationship which is still alive , Im at least able to comfortably openly discuss it with my partner. We are working on many aspects of our growth and the poly possibility is considered.
_There was a failed attempt tho, to make long story short - a nosy snitch snake cousin of mine had this life crisis moment where he took everything down with him (caused so much chaos but mostly got affected himself tho). I trusted him and he knew what i was aiming for relationshipwise, I was smoothly building it up but the fact that my partner learned about it from him along with his tons of lies mixed with it , instead of hearing it from ME who was getting both women to know each other and about each other gradually and successfully so far ; that done ruined it. Didnt know after 20 years of closeness with him that he was so envidious of me ! Oh well.. _*_gotta start all over again from scratch & with a different approach , because the predisposition to establish the poly experience is already there._*
Such a good comparison with having lots of friends, you love them all and your love for one doesn't diminish if you make a new friend. Yay for the grey area in the spectrum!
...but no diaper could even hold a load this big....this is horrible.
meeee
@@vibls5354 agreed
Love is an infinite resource and the only one that expands as you use it...
Lol actually that’s not true , sometimes you grow out of them and you find another best friend your MAIN then that’s when your so called friend gets triggered sometimes ending in bad conflicts
I have been a supporter of polyamory for a long time but always thought it wasn't for us. Almost 12 years into our marriage we discovered that it was indeed for us. It has been very fulfilling and I'd say has actually brought us closer
Wow is all I can say. I’m glad I found this. I know I need to work on my emotional literacy
This talk warms my heart. What an inspiring way to be. I am grateful for the honesty, simplicity and heartfelt description of the compersion experience in polyamorous relationships. Knowing that others are in it with this understanding, as well devoted to emotional intelligence and honesty can create a more likely space for understanding and acceptance in self and others. Taking on others as a part of yourself who you support in their personal growth. I appreciate the emphasis on the importance of being up front with others. This is where the act of living love deepens as a compassionate commitment. It's a more beautiful world when people have options and experience life in ways that bring them alive for feeling vibrant in their being. A powerful giving life expansive talk. It's understandable how much your presence is and remains so valuable Kel Walters in your passing. I wish I had the companionship of a person like you to have helped me see and understand this perspective without feeling it as a secretive game, something shameful, 'wrong', 'less than', 'not enough' or 'too much'. Just to feel the freedom in being seen, heard, presencing with acceptance, truly appreciating one another, while growing in contentment, joy and personal satisfaction. Thank You to those who contribute on this level to see one another with growing joy and compassion
I agree - it is a bit ridiculous to feel you'll only ever love one person. Does that always make you poly? No, it doesn't. Your actions define commitment. Relationships are about emotional investment. The issues I see with poly is stability and financial resources. If we cannot provide adequate amounts of emotional resources to even ourselves, how can we bring more people to spread our resources thin?
Monogamous relationships facilitate security if you plan on having a family. That is the sole purpose, unless we live in tribes / small communities then this structure works best. If you don't plan on having children, poly would seemingly work much better. The main argument here is actually self awareness and emotional healing/well-being. It doesn't matter what style of relationship you're in - a vast majority of us don't have the emotional tools or motivation to actively heal our own negative patterns, let alone facilitate multiple relationships AND have financial resources to take care of a large family unit.
Studies have shown that serial monogamy is the most common human relationship pattern style. I could have said the same thing at a young age about being poly before I knew what emotional investment and commitment meant in a relationship. It is pretty presumtuous and believe that the reasons people cheat or have unsuccessful monogamous relationships is because you're always poly. There is a lot more at work, we tend to project our subconscious patterns onto others and make a big mess of it. Both styles are natural and normal, but I don't agree that being poly is "more ethical" in any way.
Hypothetically I can agree with how polyamory works, especially when people have separate partners and choose not to enmesh into triangulated situations. I am sure poly has existed much longer, but it feels like a new age cop out. There are plenty of people that exist who could facilitate relationships like this well, but definitely not the vast majority of people claiming to be poly. That is where it erks me.
Monogamous or not, the intergenerational trauma and childhood wounds are still present. If you have a lack of self awareness you will emotionally harm yourself and others in the process, even if you are honest. It takes more to be a healthy partner of any type. If you want to sleep with multiple people, be in an open relationship. Don't claim you have the tools to satisfy the emotional needs of many if you don't have the ability to do so.
I come here for the comment section.
I like how much the attention of the topic of polyamory is growing :) Making progress ^_^
tha is in trend :)
Hahaha I was true. Only women who look like her support it. I was right 😂😂
Of course your a kommunist
nah, the world still thinks you're insane degenerates.
WOW I have thinking for years that monogamy was not the ONLY way ....and now all of the suden after having the chance to learn about TED talks I have founded that i was not alone on this way of thinking !! I love this talk ...I will spread the word among my netwotk .Thanks Kel for this quite interesting talk !!
Hugo Sierra thats super cool man
Men new it all the time.. Women just realis it now
Love is a verb rather than a noun. Love is something that an individual does and not something that an individual has.
In English is it a noun and a verb. You can be in love.
In other languages it can be a noun or a verb also.
@@cterence1767, the common usage of "love" as a noun allows people to treat it as something that is passive and can occur whether (or not) anybody takes action to maintain it. English also uses the single word "love" to describe several different activities and states that may (or may not) be congruent.
It be interesting to see the relationship between introversion, extraversion, and polyamory.
I'm very introverted, but my partner is most definitely not. His primary partner is more introverted than I am, so we provide a balance for him... He'd probably be arrested or dead otherwise. It's also important to note that his openness affects both of us in that we have become more open and assertive. We influence and support each other in a variety of ways. neither me or his primary would probably have thought poly was something we'd explore, but here we are, functioning and hapy as long as he checks his calendar before trying to make plans. :)
6 and 1/3rd years on, this talk is instructive, inspirational, and interesting.
Polyamory is not so much someone dating multiple parties who happen to be cool with it as it is multiple parties all collectively dating each other. Love is an extension of oneself, they are a part of you, you are a part of them. If another party is part of either one of you, they by extension have to be a part of the other since they are a part of them too. Love is not a competition.
I fully agree and I'm super happy to announce that i finally have a chance to prove this beautiful theory in practice! It works amazingly and ive always known that im fully capable if loving more than one person at a time :) and my love to X does not interfere at all with my love to Y. Love!
You have to the ability to be in love with many people, I for one perfer to cultivate and create an intimate relationship with one person. Do you know how much effort it is to be in a relationship? I dont the energy nor the time for more than one intimate relationship.
Lol omg I thought the same , I can berly handle just one
Some people do though! I have 2 partners and I feel like I care well for them.
@@brycebeverly9537 but conflict is inevitable. If one partner irritates me, i feel like i could just love the other non irritating partner more and distance myself from the irritating partner instead of looking for ways to work things out
@@jorgeaguilera4329 yes! Exactly
@@jorgeaguilera4329 that’s just being lazy
POLYtics - the new politics, where people actually listen and collaborate :D
Thank you Kel for your presentation, I found it concise and amusing.
Yes! Thank you :-D It makes me feel so much better knowing there are people who think and feel like me!
Misery loves company
Commitment to a singular objective or person in ones life is also something humans achieve and have achieved across ages. Emotionally literate people are also the ones who make huge sacrifices, adjustments and compromises. These are traits found in us and have helped us build social bonds that withstand the test of time. Sadness, sacrifice, jealousy, guilt, are all emotions that one has to live with along with happiness and tranquility. We cannot resolve everything to make our lives simpler. All these emotions come with sticking with only one person throughout. And it is absolutely ok. And I don't think anyone is missing out on anything by not being polyamorous.
Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet was not about love but rather infatuation and its dangers. Therefore, Juliet's reference to her "boundless love" is not about the depths of a desire to give and care for someone else but rather it is a reference to the power of her emotions and her inability to control those emotions. Of course, that principle applies to her and Romeo.
That point, though, does not discount the possibility that we can love many people at the same time; it does, though, distinguish between infatuation ('the way you make me feel') and authentic or companionate love ("the way I want to give to you.')
So far anyone i met that claimed to be poly had a terrible childhood. And are very volatile , sensitive and all over the place. Can't really commit. Claim to seek connections with people, but at the same time do never really commit. And experiance the connection they get with people to be more meaningful than they are. They never have been stable people. They also seem oblivious to how their actions affect others. They also seek validation a lot. Not the healthiest of people.
So Simple and so powerful
If you cant do the honor of choosing ONE and doing right by that one person and giving all your love and undivided attention because you love and wanna make that person happy, if you cant do that your a terrible lover its not real love its a selfish empty feast where no one is truely deeply fed, so you dont deserve that person. OR anyone.
You can say you love all of them all you want, BUT as time and attention is limited, do right and kindly choose to give it all to one instead of sefishly choosing all and non gets all just all gets crumbs. And if you really really love that person you CAN choose and want to choose to gift all your limited time to them. Make them feel special and all that loveliness and that bond. Never feel left out. Etc. Thay only us bonded feeling, that chosen feeling cause you really love that person.
I accidentally fell down a polyamory hole
Had to watch twice because I kept checking out the Formula SAE car on the stage. That thing is SWEET!
This was short and to the point but surprisingly actually very well thought and very powerful!
I have come to realise, being friends with many polyamorous people, that some people do not seek or are incapable (pls don’t get mad) of emotional depth and these people fare far better in polyamorous relationships. Other people are better suited to mutualist relationships of deep healing and partnership and that is best served by a monogamous relationships. All depends on the individual. Of course, if you’re the latter, do not get into a relationship with the former and vice versa. We’re all different and need different things to feel fulfilled. The poly people I know have a different criteria for who they regard as friends or partners as myself. I think their criteria is shallow, they think my criteria is too emo and unrealistic. Lol.
Very well done. 👏
I was put onto a great new book called Polysecure. It's helped me so much
Is there anything as "settling down" for a polyamorous person ? If yes, what is it?
yes, and it's when you are comfortable/ready to 'settle down'
You can also have one primary partner and still have other romantic partners. But you just have to be open to whatever makes you happy and accept your needs.
For me, settling down would be sharing a home with all my partners and metamours (my partners' partners). I do not believe in marriage or having biological children myself. However, my partners can have and do those things with their other partners. We would be a big happy polyamorous family.
May I suggest Polysecure its a wonderfull book on attachement in polyamory .
I was with a woman who wanted to explore polyamory and i found the idea interesting, so i started seeing 2 women at the same time from the start, both of them knowing about the other. I've always had the intention of them meeting each other and potentially more than that. In no time she got jealous and told me she changed her mind and wanted to go more exclusive and saw me as a serious option for building a future together. We've talked more about it and it seemed she said things like "i know a few people who are polyamorous and none of them are where they want to be", so i thought she actually changed her mind. 4 month later she asked me what i thought about her having "relations" with two other people she met on a trip, without me getting involved. This time i got hurt and confused about the double standard/one way street and got tf out. We talked some more after breaking up and she wasn't consistent in what she said about her feelings towards others. At first it was 1 person she was attracted to, the second time it was two and the third time it was the two and a bunch more. I think she already did stuff since when i asked she bend her head when she said no and i think she had replaced me before it was over. Wouldn't surprise me if she had one of her "true loves" come over shortly after i pulled the plug.
That's my expience with polyamory in practice.
I see it as a way of making sure you get the the attention you so desperatly need, a way of creating an appearance of connection without true connection, a way of creating escapes to avoid pain while putting the risk of pain you don't want to experience onto others and of course creating a casino like constuction (the house always wins) of "love" to spread and lower your chances of ending up alone. Most of all i think it's more about lust than love, because love doesn't inherently require s*x. It's not for me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.....
Wow. Thank You for sharing your experience. I honor the depth of emotion involved and the fact that it becomes convenient to 'switch' from poly to monogamy, then back...... That in itself is a barrier toward developing trust and intimacy. It's true what you say. People show up at many levels of awareness. Some without a developed self-concept, not enough emotional intelligence or honesty. I myself have needed work in all these areas and have lead a monogamous life. I never had the opportunity to have multiple partners, yet am grateful to learn so much more about what it takes in self awareness to partner freely while opening oneself to polyamorous relationships. I can see how double-standards unseen, unexplored bring up tension and being unsure of where you stand once in it can leave anyone questioning how to create, have and hold better boundaries - for self let alone having multiple partners.
I can't help but wonder from your experience for what you surmised, if you were able to openly express what you were observing taking place in the relationship without judgement and how that made you feel or what you may have needed? I ask as a closer here for the hope that you were able to experience your needs compassionately while seeing hers/others, despite things not working out time being. Wish you opportunities to find what works for you and fundamentally the loving support you seem to value/seek.
@@melissaoconnell5648 thanks for your interest. I've never been more open in communicating what I feel, see or think. I tend to be a people pleaser due to my upbringing, distorted experience(s) with how relationships work and past relationships that were mostly based on rescuing the other. But I'm trying to break patterns and find a way to eventually establish a healthy relationship with someone that loves herself enough so that's an honour she wants to share that with me. I also try to be my own true love instead of seeking an external force to be my lifeline. This to me seems like a more secure way of walking the path of life without the need of others, but I do appreciate the presence and input of others though. I think we're not so different in a lot of ways. I just know now that polyamory, open relationships etc. are not for me and that's something I learned from this experience. It seems interesting in theory, but I think in most cases someone is going to get hurt in the long run and I don't want that. Not for me and not for others either. I wish you all the best as well!
Thank you. 💖🙏🏽
I wonder if they found the killer ... Such an interesting person with life ahead of her ...
Whoa shes dead?
My only problem with this type of relationship is STDs. And that's why I have a problem with tattoos as well. If your partner gives you an STD, they can say I got it tattoo needles. But a poly relationship has a higher risk of STDs than mono relationships. That's a fact. My ideal poly relationship would be two women who love each other and me. No one else. Or two twins. That would be awesome. But I think about kids in poly relationships and how those partners explain who is the father etc. But humans are great at lying to themselves, look at religion. Women in the west are lucky they live in a society that accepts these types of relationships and it's true that what happens in the bedroom should be private. I don't want to know what anyone else does. I am just concerned about my relationship. I hope that makes sense. But I would rather have a 1 on 1 relationship instead of a poly. But I understand the financial safety of having many partners.
Sure the more I give love, I have more... But more than three partners and I justs can't keep up with how much I want to be with everyone. So infinite love doesn't mean infinite partners XP
It always hurts SOMEONE SOMETIMES
that''s a social construct, there is no evidence to it
I'm not sure what you mean. But I'm assuming you mean poly relationships always result in one person getting hurt? This is an oversimplification. But my question is, how many monogomous relationships involve hurt? Do you think monogamy will save you from hurt? How many people do you meet that have been cheated on, how many relationships last forever?
So does.... like so many reasonable behaviors in a relationship? Sometimes I'm hurt when my partner wants to play video games instead of cuddle. That doesn't mean I should demand he stop all his hobbies. Instead we discuss--like adults-- why i was hurt, when it is or isn't okay to play video games, and what my reasonable expectations should be for cuddling.
Congratulations.
very good, I study psychology, I am heterosexual but I loved the speech.
Brazil
Jasmine Mine It is not about hetero- or homo- or bi- sexuality :) It's about multiple relations, for example one woman have relations with two men - it's hetero relation.
Tomir Kozakiewicz you did not understand me.
I wanted to say that although I am hetera, I understand perfectly, without prejudice, the subject. Dear.
and sorry, do not know much English.
Jasmine Mine Aha, ok :) I thought that You think - because You are hetero than the polyamory coldn't be an option for You :)
Your english is good enought :) Mine english is not perfect too ;) Have a nice day.
Tomir Kozakiewicz yes, maybe it's possible with me. : D
Thanks, even though it is only a delicacy.
My English is basic, use google translator to help me. Have a nice day. Hug.
OK Jasmine Mine :) What is Your natural language? It is Brazilian?
helpful. thanks!
"same time" breaks the fundamental laws of physics
Being able to tell what I am feeling is helpful. "Why I am feeling what I am feeling" ... leaves much room for wrong interpretation, and speculation stretched to maintain a coherent self-concept. I guess it is still worth trying to figure our why I am feeling sth., but probably with a grain of salt.
TEDx Talks Just to let you and everyone else know, she was killed last night in a hit and run.
I have done a web search and come up empty. Can you provide a link or screenshot of a newspaper?
karika1999 She was walking, coming home.
Shalyse wright-bethea
are you a friend? The article does not name her. Keep us updated. These hits on scientists and alternate thinkers should be exposed.
karika1999 I knew them, kind of, I never met them in real life but we talked a lot on facebook, we went to the same summer camp, at different times but we met on some facebook groups, Kel was killed, I saw a later article on it that has their info on it.
karika1999 I'll say we were very close. She also lived with us.
I love those ears.
They are cute!
I was just going to say the same thing... Very cute, intelligent and inspiring woman.
sources: just trust me bro.
is having a seperate conversation with another person considered cheating ?
The way she described the poliamory group sounded cultish.
There is no end to human stupidity...
It would be interesting if this topic was covered by people whose cultural background is informed by polygamy, at the same time I appreciate that we are learning to jump off and burst our bubble because truthfully speaking monogamy is a new concept in human affairs.
Underrated video
basically she is saying that emotional literacy is better learned in a polyamorous relationship. I don't agree
well, if you don't agree, then please be so kind to expand on your argument so we can have a fruitful conversation about it :)
exactly, explain
This seems correct, Monique D. She looks young as polyamory is not among the most profound human experiences.
I think that equating emotional literacy with polyamorous relationships is reaching. It's almost like it's looking for some kind of an excuse. It's not for me, I believe people that engage in this may be settling for something less and trying to intellectualize it to prove its "correct". The reality is, who cares. Do what you want but dont try to make it seem like you're somehow superior.
I felt the same way like, I can do emotional shadow work without doing poly so her statement was not good , and about comparing friends was not good either because we all have that one best friend the MAIN and when we see our best friend is with someone else or abandon us in some way it’s like bye pretty much sometimes just cutting off completely, and the love is not as bright as before they found another besty ,, I think she could of done a better job or maybe she can’t find any good ideas not sure 🤔
Not my cup of tea
Interesting perspectives
excellent talk...thanks.
The problem with using the term "positive feedback" is that in a physical/engineering sense positive feedback tends to oscillate out of control.
Good, but too short
All the yes!
Right. Having tried polyamory.. I can tell you point blank it is about emotional selfishness and lack of self-awareness.
Thank you!
Having tried the violin... I can tell you point blank it's an awful instrument that always sounds screechy and out-of-tune.
@@ScottDDavisMusic , nowhere near a proper comparison. Not even a nice try.
@@Panwere36 I don’t know man, looks pretty spot-on to me.
@@ScottDDavisMusic both right and wrong, polyamory can work for some, but also can never work for others.
RIP 🙏
She wanted to be in a polyamory relationship, but I couldn't be. Wtf..
How does polyamory work with child rearing?
Wrinkled Pugoda the same way it does with two parents except with an extra set of hands available...we take turns dealing with things and share the work load
Polyamory is wrong... you should not mix Latin and Greek roots. It's either polyphilia or multiamory
Well, not because Im from the south east Asia where the so called 'polyamory culture' isn't discussed openly or practiced but here's what I have to ask
should people resort to polyamory just because of this eloquently put allegation that humans are 'not monogamous'??
however eloquent the speakers on this subject are, Ive never come across one logical explanation as to
a) why they'd choose being 'polyamorous'
b) where is such a relationship headed to
all I see is that people find a convenient excuse of being 'polyamorous' to get laid easily with multiple partners.
In an age where many end up being single coz they know they don't have enough time for one partner, I don't see a single pragmatic reason why one would choose multiple "lovers".
If humping is all that you want, why give the excuse of 'the need to be loved by multiple partners '?
Today do people even understand the meaning of the word Love? You can't even love one person unconditionally and here someone wants to "love" multiple partners.
s..l..o...w c....l...a.....p
(The first time I ever felt like writing like this on a tedx video)
It’s my RUclips comment rival again. I go around supporting polyamory, and you go around opposing it. This is good. Helps people reach their own conclusions. To address your points:
A. You choose to live that way because you feel that way. It doesn’t sound like you can relate, but it’s a strong feeling that monogamy doesn’t fit that usually clicks when one first learns about or experiences polyamory.
B. Anywhere any other relationships go. I’m not the marrying/kid-having type myself, but I’ve met people who get married to one of their partners and have and raise kids in polycules.
Hey, if you actually feel like responding, where are you coming from? Me? I’m a straight American who had two committed relationships at most, though right now I only have one, but my girlfriend and I are both dating, with some overlap. Clearly I’m damn happy about it, but I’m curious as to why you aren’t with similar energy
Only on this channel only.
To compare friendship with an intimate relationship is like comparing Pudding with a Salty Soup. 🤣
She had me until she said everything is okay,, that’s just not it
I mean, it's also a great excuse for acts of promiscuity, commit-phobes, boredom, feeling pressured into consent because you don't want to lose the safety blanket of your current partner. If we're going to talk about polyamory, we need to talk about the pros and cons. That would be the most emotional literate and responsible thing to do.
OH MY GOD. THIS! I've only seen it attract the selfish
Name every poly that you ever met is promiscuous, boredom, and anticommit please.
@@Kerastalise You missed, using your partner as a safety blanket because you have FOMO. Consumerism has really corrupted people, they are never satisfied - always looking for the next best thing. So sad.
@@CarolineSamorodin what have I missed and what do I fear since you know me apparently? Lol I know myself and know what I want and how I want it, so very opposite of sad. Lmao
@@Kerastalise It's more like it stems from a place with not being happy with what you have. You're never satisfied. Where you and I differ, is that my identity is not reliant or based on using other people to make myself feel validated. I do that on my own. But I am sure you'll use some excuse to convince yourself that's NOT what you're doing.
Polyamory should be called new relationships tryouts because if you engage in this trust me you main relationship is over.
Ok, lemme say what i think about this subject, and i know a lot of people will not like what i have to say, i think people should try to wake up a little bit, of course love is a strong thing and must be infinite and pure, but you don't need to have sex with every random person you met to prove your point, of course if you want ok go ahead it's your life, but when you do this hurting someone else you're wrong, period, this is dumb and childish, the main problem with poliamory is because in some point you will always, i said ALWAYS, be hurting someone, most people don't truly believe in poliamory and have no mental maturity to deal with it, they are just needy for some attention and affection, and then boom, in this system someone WILL for sure start to get jealousy for something or falling in love for only one person, and yes this will happen you liking or not, and exaclty like in monogamy you have all the same problems, but in this case much more complex and with more people involved, because that person is not trying to fix his/her emotional issues, what's happening is that they are just trying to hide these problems behind a bealtiful utopian fairy tale, and like all fairy tales, it falls apart and people will get really damaged inside thinking the problem is with the relationship model they picked, of course this will happen with both sides in monogamy and poliamory. But, my problem with this subject is, just like monogamy poliamory might work for some people but will not work for everyone and the main problem is i think is wrong to sell the idea that poliamory is the cure for all problems of the human race, this is just absurd, and yes a LOT of people does that, and i saying a LOT because is like A LOT. And just a simple information to these people who think they are wrong for prefer monogamy, monogamy is NOT an exclusive trait of our species, it happens all over the animal kingdom expecially with birds, even fish, i said FISH have monogamy relationships for their entire life... seriously IMO, Poliamory is a BIG fat lie, just a reflection of a lazy and spoiled generation who thinks is better have everything they want because they are "special" and then not to have to worry about their true emotional struggles, poliamory is like more a vision of a teenager of how the world shoud be, no responsabilities at all, everyone knows how hard is to have a truly meaningful relationship, it is not something you can handle if you're not mature enough, because people cheat, because people lie and people lie a LOT, it's really briliant just arrive and say that this idea will help people to improve their emotional status and fix their issues, it's a lie ok, people need to work inside their own minds to improve their lives before just embrance another paradgm, because the problems will continue. So instead of build a society where people truly become able to fix their emotional problems like adults, you just let them live with them and hurt more people in this selfish scenario? Because that's exactly what poliamory does, it's just an utopian principle. Please, don't be chained in your teenager mind. I know it sounds like i just hate the idea of poliamory and i'm a pro-monogamy, and that's not the case, it's just the idea of some people embrace ideas how it was the ultimate answer when clearly it's not. I'll be happy to discuss the matter if someone have good ideas to share, of both sides of the coin of course, peace. xoxo
I honestly did not read everything you wrote because I feel like you are really looking at this subject from one perspective, which is alright. I think that it's just not something that you would be interested in and that's okay. But I will give you my opinion on the matter. It is not to provoke argument, but to express a different point of view that you may not have thought of: Many people actually live healthy and happy lifestyles within polyamorous relationships and the point is that everyone needs to be openly communicative and consenting, otherwise it CAN hurt people, but if everyone is respectful of one another and happy for each other's happiness, then that is what makes successful relationships. Just like you wouldn't let go of a friend just because you get into a monogamous, romantic relationship in order to make space in your life for someone new to love, the same goes for keeping romantic partners in your life. It is simply not for everyone, and the people who do engage in these relationships are usually fully aware of everyone's interests and that's what builds mature and responsible relationships within their circle.
Wow, that's a lot of writing for someone who quite obviously didn't actually pay any attention to the video at all. Yes, I read the entire mess, almost everything you mention was actually dealt with in the video.
Grammar can be your friend. Punctuation, periods especially, paragraphs, and coherent sentence structure could all have helped to make that big pile of letters more readable. At least your spelling is decent.
...I'm literally a teenager LOL
From here on until I turn 25, dreaming too hard and falling right on my face is my one and only job, and even I know this is no "ultimate answer" for anything?? It's just another option that might turn out good or bad. You know. Like dating in general.
I'll check back in when I'm 30 and tell you how it went.
This is good!
I am not judging you but let me get these questions strait. If your husband was dating someone else it wouldn't bother you? Or if your husband had a child from another female you would be alright with that? How many children does she have? So it wouldn't bother her if her partner left her for someone else or had a child by someone else? I would think for Polygamous relationships to work the law needs to be changed, wouldn't it?
polyamory is very good at creating very fake emotional literacy. To this day I personally haven't found a single example to prove me wrong and I'm looking quite a bit, yet all I see is a ton of people basically talking themselves into something they clearly don't fully enjoy or appreciate, but the allure of this wannabe sophisticated and different or more "emotionally literate" seems to be a powerful enough motivation and force to keep these people at it until it can't work anymore. Listen to the people in such relationships and you'll notice mostly what they talk about is their feelings of jealosy so you spend ages talking about it when the reality is quite brutally clear, no one is really fine with their partner going "open" and there are a ton of people who will disgree sure, but it is a test of time and some times like they say "you're so open-minded you're brains falls out" so I fear that this love for openmindedness actually blinds people to the actual reality and with it their actual feelings, but sure... lecture us on emotional literacy when all you might really need is a change of partner..
Yeah but like if we are using personal anecdotes this isn't true for me at all? My partner and I agreed to be poly. He has a boyfriend and so do i. The four of us when on a group date to go apple picking last weekend and had a blast. No one really had jealousy because seeing my partners happy made me happy. We didn't do it to be "open minded." We did it because while we were attracted to other people, we never stopped loving each other.
We never really had a moment where one pressured the other. Basically I was like "I have a crush on this other guy. Should I just let it go or can I date him?" and he was like "Thank God you asked because my friend and I are totally crushing on each other and being open sounds great."
Poly Life 💓💛💚💯
Amazing talk! 👏👏👏
Monogamy is a DEEPER LOVE ❤️GO MONOGAMY
What's deep about loving one person??
Is poly under lgbtq+?
Poly isn't a sexual way but a love & relation way ;)
Nope
Well, i think it's not really a sexual orientation. You can be heterosexual and polygamous, you can also be bisexual and be monogamous.
no, but it should be because relationship style is relevant to gender and sexuality.
Irene Knight But you don't really born as a monogamous or as a polygamous. You just make a choice with your preferences by considering the things you can let go and the things you can't.
monogamy works for some and not for others,
Jaiï Bless
Polyamorous relationships foster pain, jealousy and animosity. How are these relationships deemed acceptable and good?
They don’t always foster those emotions. If a person is feeling one or more of those emotions they should talk to their partner about it and try to figure out why.
Additionally not everyone has that reaction upon seeing their partner being happy with someone else
Any relationship, polyamorous or monoamorous, can cause those emotions. But as with all emotions they can be dealt with healthily with the proper coping skills.
Should we discard all types of romantic relationship styles because they may cause discomfort or hurt feelings from time to time?
I’m pretty sure you wanted to write monogamous not polyamorous relationships
I mean, so do monogamous relationships. Any kind of relationship can create those emotions.
Polyamory = Compensation ... and your emotional benefit is ridiculous as meant to be a way to make it sensible .... Jealousy is natural as I think and it is necessary to me to complete the full picture about love.
Jealousy can and does occur in polyamorous relationships just like it does in monoamorous relationships. However, jealousy like any other emotion can be dealt with the proper coping skills.
Honest question: How is polyamory compensating and for what?
Interesting, but that sounds uncomfortable. If you could wish away your capacity for jealousy, would you?
No, I would not wish away any uncomfortable or less than pleasant emotion, I may have. I would much rather learn how to feel, accept, and cope with all emotions healthily and productively than to wish any of them away.
I will admit I do not jealousy. I am much more likely to feel compersion when one of my partners begins dating another person. Compersion is the sense of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another.
But I know my partners do experience jealousy from time to time. We discuss what may be causing this feeling and try to find ways to help cope with it healthily.
I want to bring some new things into our marriage. There has been infidelities. I know what we need but she is not with sharing. I'd like a female and she can have a male. We need to break tradition and allow our family to break away from the old. I love her enough to try new. I would accept no and never step out. I also know that bringing in a open minded roommate could allow for some more income and fun. When I met her I had three other women. I do love my wife and will make the necessary changes to keep her happy. Just saying.
3.40 totally represents me
Interesting how a majority of the “non-traditional” lifestyles don’t usually have children. Humans are evolutionarily developed as a procreating species and that has usually meant monogamy. I like how some of these people are so casually arrogant in suggesting how the millions of years that it took for us to develop...well, those traditions are wrong. You want some emotional intelligence...try actually raising kids and not giving up on their parent. That’ll teach you a whole damn lot.
Kyle .dickerson Plenty of poly people have kids actually. Also things change so survival means progress
Well, they’re not saying it’s wrong though. They’re saying that monogamy is not the only way to have a functional relationship.
There’s a reason she’s poly….
Infantile narcissism wants to control mama. If someones' first move is to assure monogamy in a relationship, it is a parasite/host relationship that they are looking for, not a partner.
wtf
The 'anything goes' way of life leads to misery. Polyamory is just that.
How much you wanna bet her folks didnt have a happy relationship? In fact, I'd be surprised if her daddy was even around
Explain
Well that's quite judgmental... all she is doing is presenting information and ideas, and you're making assumptions about her family and upbringing. Says a lot more about you than her. If you cannot fathom a different style of relationship than monogamy, that's fine... but there's no need to be rude
We need to support polyamourous and non monogamous relationships rights. If not your plain polyphobic and non monogphobic.
Ha ha that's a good one. But we still should respect them. Also monogamous couples are cool aswell.
I can’t tell if it’s a joke, but I’ll take it as one. Lol but yeah, one needs acceptance than the other without bashing each other. Lol
she could be my amory out of all my Poly amorys. ok ill shut up.
Bullsh**. I feel so disgusted.
She gives a working definition of polyamory '. . . with all partners knowledge and 'consent' however 'consent' or permission by definition implies an owner; however I thought there are no owners in polyamory.
Consent implies acceptance and awareness, not ownership.
Consent is defined as having permission for something to happen or agreement to do something; permission is synonymous to authorization; authorization is to be given authority; authority is defined as having ownership.
So you think every consensual sex act in the history of ever was committed by slave owners
HorseGirlb blank was that a question or statement?
MrSmackdab Statement
+1
Lol it’s all a sham and nothing really matters
Some people just wanna see the world burn.
I wonder if she was murdered by one of her jealous partners? Makes you wonder...