I think it rarely ends up actually being fulfilling . In general it's probably fine if done respectfully on both ends, but I despise that hookup culture is somehow the new ideal. I think there is beauty in waiting, in creating self love, in caring who you sleep with. I think when you truly love yourself, you don't want to share that with just anyone.
This addressed people's enjoyment of an isolated sexual experience, but it did not address long term happiness, at least not to my satisfaction. For example, does casual sex have an impact on the success of future long-term relationships? The scope of this talk reduces the value of casual sex to the incident itself and doesn't ask any questions about what other areas of our lives casual sex might be affecting. Part of what makes sex powerful is that it is an act of vulnerability. Treating it more casually and learning to do it without vulnerability, in order to get only the most transient rewards sex offers probably does not lend itself to the deeper aspects of sex's connective capacities. It is true that you can connect sexually with someone you have only just met, but in doing this there is more risk, more incentive to hide away our vulnerabilities. If you can manage to have casual sex without getting in the habit of adopting an invulnerability around it, more power to you. But in a lot of cases I've seen, people who have had a lot of casual sex have to relearn how to be vulnerable in order to both get the best of what sex has to offer and the best of what relationships have to offer.
+Nathan Dyck From what I've read/seen casual sex is correlated with less overall lifetime happiness. Certainly long term relationships + being a part of a community (not only support from it, also obligations to it, supporting others) are proven in leading to more happiness. So I wouldn't be sure about hook ups, but a culture of free-floating electron that takes no obligations (sexual or otherwise), bangs what it will and just moves on leaving all the people behind is a recipe for unhappiness.
+Peteruspl Exactly. Love is a choice and happiness is a choice. The idea that if you just find the 'right one' by sleeping around until you find perfect compatibility is absurd. We're living in a culture where we have a high standard of living, and therefore we put a high value on personal fulfillment (which isn't necessarily a bad thing but it's interesting that most people seem to place it at the very top of the pyramid... guess I can't blame them as who doesn't want to be absurdly happy all the time?). So in essence what we do is go out into the world and try to find that special person who will be our "everything." This one person MUST fulfill us, make us happy, fulfill all of our deepest sexual fantasies, etc. In reality, no one can do this for us. Long term happiness comes from adopting a certain perspective about life, a willingness to accept yourself and others and know that nothing will ever be perfect... and thank god for that lol! No one is happy all of the time, but we can help ourselves be content and have peace for a lot of it with some good old humility and willingness to let go. My lovely life partner has taught me so much about this. I used to be a very self centered cry baby and thought of myself as the victim of my own circumstances. I've gone through a lot of negative shit in my life (who hasn't?). But my wonderful lover has given me the great gift of her perspective. She is a rock and has made me the man I am today. Without her I'd be just a lost schmuck without a freaking clue about life. My maturity has grown considerably (well, let's be honest... it's grown a little more than it was in the past heh heh). All of that said, it's still all easier said than done as it's taken a hell of a lot of hard work. But so far, I've found it better than the alternative. I'm glad I found her and chose monogamy. I'm better for it. ...that said, I don't want to judge people who aren't in my situation. I know there are others out there for which long term commitment doesn't seem to work for and that's fine I guess. I'm just biased because I'm blessed in this regard.
+Nathan Dyck The rewards the speaker listed were not all that transient. Learning sexual skills can benefit you, your entire life. Gaining non-judgmental friends and learning to be non-judgmental is invaluable. Increasing one's self confidence, desirability, empowerment and sense of freedom from false traditions, keeps on benefiting. Allowing yourself to have deep physical, emotional, mental and spiritual connections with friends is enriching. Its really one's own conscious choice to depreciate the value of sex whether its casual or long term. It's really one's own choice to be less vulnerable and besides, casual sex with good friends actually gives a person more practice at learning to manage vulnerability. Those with the idea that only long term relationships can offer the best of what sex has to offer may some day find out their so called long term; relationship is over, and the imagination that it was long term, was never really a factor on how good their sex was.
+MartinDezion I'm interested how you are defining "casual." I have no assumption that sex is best within long-term monogamous relationships. You raise the issues of non-judgement and friendship which address what I would identify as being the key features of casual sexuality (non-vulnerability, shallowness, inauthenticity, lack of genuine presence). I don't disagree with anything you are saying so maybe we are just using the word differently. Is there a better word for describing the kind of half-present, invulnerable sexuality or mutual objectification/user-ship I am talking about?
I'm with the person that I love and I regret every single person I slept with before him. I used to sleep around before I met him. I used to think like she did. but I can tell you she is wrong. I was using it as a coping mechanism for my mental illness. I wanted to numb my emotional pain. I have friends that sleep around and they do it to numb the pain of not being able to move on from the person they truly wish to be with and have lost faith in men. I used to be that person. now, I found a man that made me realize what true love is. what I have now is so much better than shallow sleeping around. she makes the cons sound minimal but they leave deep scars. I hope nobody actual listens to this woman. just because somebody says they did a "study" does not mean they are a scientist.
That's good news. Strong stable loving relationships is what we all should be looking for. Some people, for psychological reasons, find these threatening or are otherwise unable to tolerate this level of commitment and intimacy. It is possible to change and grow after a period of promiscuity, but the longer it goes on the more destructive patterns set in. If you feel you have this problem seek counseling to make yourself more secure and capable of loving another person.
She should do a long term study on how many got stds, unwanted pregnancies, abortions or got into dangerous situations. Forward 15 years ahead, compare how many end up in divorce or never had a serious relationship and compare it with the ones that did not go casual.
@@dennissmith1072 its not about what age you get married but how many partners you have before marriage that affects divorce rates. If both partners are virgins the divorce rate is 6%.
I never like hearing "find a rotation of partners" as a solution to not getting too overly attached to people. It always seems like that solution has the potential to hurt so many feelings of the people involved.
Indeed. I also feel that people who rush to write their biased opinions in the comment section of a video they disagree with is a better TED talk than one delivered by a person who had her doctoral dissertation (on this very topic) accepted by a committee of highly trained thinkers who spent time to read her book and conclude that it was valid research
@@Gaib_al_lisan Yeah but they were all psychologists. There are only two kinds of doctors who can treat 50 patients a year for forty years, never cure a single one and call that a successful career. Voodoo witch doctors and psychiatrists. - Just because you went to school doesn't mean you aren't a moron....
@@Dijetlo It's true that going to school doesn't mean that one is not a moron. But then what do you think a person who believes on overgeneralized digestible cookie-box boomer phrases like "phychologists and voodoo doctors can go through their career without curing a sobgle patient"? How does this measure on the moronic scale?
@@Gaib_al_lisan Has a psychiatrist ever cured anybody? You don't measure efficacy by result? It's more a question of how you feel about it, perhaps? " You're fine, you don't need another appointment" - Words never heard in a therapists office
I love the way she adds 'STIs and unwanted pregnancies...' in together the end of the disadvantages just like they're no big deal or that they don't affect that side of the argument significantly
Shey says it exactly the right way because you can avoid STIs. And even if you catch one they are in almost all cases very well treatable. The same goes for pregnancies. You just can't use this as a con.
So well observed. Also, as if an unwanted pregnancy (potentially with a stranger) could be simply counterbalanced with an orgasm the night before; as if these two experiences had just the same impact on one's life...
@@disdonc6012treatable pregnancy? Also, some STD’s are not curable such as herpes (skin to skin contact so condoms won’t work here), hepa B, HIV and HPV. She said the cons casually as if these consequences are nothing. 😂
I think she's coming from a really nuanced view, so no reason should be interpreted as being better or worse. It was listed, so I'd say she portrayed the message accurately.
"sex releases those hormones of love for your partner" - if you try to suppress those feelings, one day you will be 60 y/o end up all alone, because nobody loves you or looks at you that way. As a man, I am strongly against casual sex.
That's why you don't understand life and women. Many women doesn't care about BEING ALONE or not. I can say to you there are many single women who enjoy their life without a man. Having a man is mostly a HEADACHE for many women/.
@@ninacohenne7766 But most of the women I know have said that it's actually more fulfilling to be with a man and have a family, and I asked why? Their response was simple because it gives them something to do a "purpose", yea sure single women may enjoy their lives alone but I they would have to be fulfilling some dream.
I felt used & unwanted like a piece of toilet tissue 🧻 because I knew “for a fact” this man didn’t give a damn about me or my well-being. They got to enjoy access to my body, and place me at the end of a long list of other casual encounters. And I hate myself for allowing someone to treat me as if I’m unworthy of more…all because of loneliness.
Its only a mistake if you think about it that way, in my opinion you should only worry about your personal enjoyment of the situation in this type of case and don't bother to think about what he thinks. Love yourself and do things for YOU
How many would go out and want to spend 18 years in prison with somebody they don't like? This is what happens when you hookup and have a kid with somebody.
He killed his wife. No one spiritually upped would be on youtube or be making political affiliations. Moreover he tells people to leave Moh Maaya and buys luxury cars has a lifestyle. He was also against punishing Rapists . Clearly promotes prime..
Would you let a stranger off the street into your house? No? Would you let a stranger look in your handbag? No? Would you let a stranger drive your car? No? Then why the heck would you let a stranger into your pants!? Lol, that's just my opinion.
All of you americans, always finding reasons to discredit people´s arguments with drastic examples that just emphasize morality. Stop it with your good and not good opinions. That will just give you a small perspective of important topics such as this one. And, come on, she did more than research, and she's inviting us to think this satanized topic from another perspective.
I’ve had several hookups, and at times, I did walked away feeling great. It boosted my self-esteem, made me feel attractive and desirable. Sometimes, I felt proud of performance, or I experienced a brief spark of connection that gave me hope for a relationship. But the initial positive feelings turned bitter, as I ended up feeling disappointed, lonelier than before, and often ashamed for ignoring my inner voice, which resisted intimacy with a stranger. If I'm being honest with myself, I have to admit that hookups do not bring me nearly as much positive outcomes as they damage me.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 absolutely but the depression comes the next day after the Act when you realise that they don't even want a relationship. But already shared intimate parts
Yes, the cons of unwanted pregnancy and STD's (long-term, even permanent situations) totally DON'T outweigh the pros of "new friends and cool stories" (VERY short-term situations). This is ridiculous.
@@1DangerMouse1 yes, theirs also side effects from pills, don't forget killing your babies. It's great we can do all these things just for more pleasure isn't it?
I was curious about this video more because I wanted to read the comments and see what other people think. I haven't watched it but through reading a lot of the comments I have a little more hope for our society. I don't have anything against people who persue that lifestyle, its very common these days, it's just not for me. I thought I was weird for not being okay with it. I've always wanted to wait for a deeper connection before I do anything intimate with anyone
The problem with most women is that they do it until they are 30 and when they've had their fun they are surprised men aren't lining up to settle with them. If you want to marry and kids you should start looking when you are 18-25, not 30-35.
DRSNova Humans are not like any other animal, we have moral radar and a complex perception of reality and to be honest, if we didn’t live in a society that can cure things like gonorrhea, syphilis or having the ability to utilize condoms, you would probably like the idea of staying with one person until you die, helps keeps the cancer and schizophrenia that could come up later because of those diseases.
what a sex obsessed society we live in. I think rather than using sex and "hookups" to fill your void of adventure, mystery and excitement, it would be better to develop yourself as a person and become more interesting.
I live in LA and the vast vast majority of women I meet are completely uninteresting regardless of what they look like. I feel like I'm that rare guy that actually wants to connect at least a tiny bit with a partner. The physical alone just doesn't do it for me. Sucks 😔
How does becoming more interesting fill your void of adventure? Seems you've got it backwards. Seeking adventure is what leads to being more interesting.
I think they do but when you're like her, they are ruined and start to use it against us, because they have a self serving spirit within them after defiling themselves for 10 years + I will only consider marrying a woman under the age of 21, I don't care how old I am. 1 load from another guy in the womb that bears my children and continues my family's lineage is 1 too many.
I agree. I say bring back arranged marriage (not forced), so that men can receive the stamp of approval from fathers. Fathers are not protecting their daughters as they should.
This is the first TED talk I have seen that I profoundly and strongly disliked. While I respect and affirm an individual's right to have casual sex, I resent the insinuation that casual sex is something that all people should be open to. Among educated, liberal and 'forward thinking' individuals, it feels as though monogamous sex is a sign of backwardness or stubborn traditionalism. The speaker's glib dismissal of emotional intimacy in sexuality causes a lot more suffering than she and those who think like her are willing to acknowledge.
+Melanie V This researcher is filling a gap in the scientific literature about an specific topic. In the same way there were a lot of research studies on long-term relationships. These studies are necessary besides you like the results or not. She has published her results in different journals that take into account standard methodologies and high quality data.
I understand that she is filling in gaps. However, I'm entitled to make of those results what I will. Research does not occur in a vacuum and the public is allowed to engage with those results in a meaningful way.
+Melanie V If your 'meaningful way' is making assumptions about (and I'm using your words) 'forward thinking' individuals and "' those who think like her"; without any backup, I see your point.
A sense of accomplishment was never it. It's a novelty, an adventure, dangerous, exciting. But after the job was done I felt more empty than before. The excitement was in the chase, not the kill. You feel good when someone responds, especially after you just got out of a relationship that you never wanted to end. The pain of the loss is still there so you seek another. It's only the horrible guilt and shame and emptiness that deters. I would never talk about my past hook ups because of that reason.
The excitement is definitely the draw...more so when you're already in a relationship, and even more so when both you and your hook-up are both in separate relationships. The more taboo, the more exciting.
Some people watch TED talks and assume they are all automatically giving sound advice and worth heeding. This video is proof that such a line of thinking is dangerous.
You're more than right. These people are legitimizing their personal drives, personal stories and tend to make sound scientific. It is just an ideology. The ideological part of Science. I don't care about her Ph.D.x
Being loyal & committed to just one partner in actual relationship is always a conscious choice & selective decision. Sleeping around, polygamy affairs is biological nature but essentially, an animal instinct of reproduction, as like any dog & cat out their. It take a consciously evolved mind to see this difference, & decide not to give in to animal instincts if human wants to differ from most animals.
interesting after 26 years of marriage it is very easy to see some of the totally gaping holes in this young lady's theories. Nearly choked on my coffee are the idea of casual intimate sex. She came out with that oxymoron and had a completely straight face. The real kicker was the idea that if you can train yourself to not be affected by the hormone that bonds you to a sexual partner that you will be more healthy. That hormone is the very chemical that makes you put your ego back in perspective after makeup sex with your life partner. Damage that and what are you left with? People that fail at long term relationships because they don't get over themselves. This whole presentation was based on how young people FEEL after hookup sex. Not on how it will affect them long term. Even 10 years is not true long term. There are many more important issues sidestepped in here but those two alone start to collapse the house of card she has constructed.
My 45 years of marriage tends to agree with you. After nine minutes of this it is time to turn it off and go squeeze my little doll who will be seventy in January. Enjoying the benefits of the compound emotional interest of maintaining a long term relationship.
***** That is what the speaker said. But it is true. What you describe is social anxiety. L theanine or GABA could have done the same thing without the reduction in judgement. Look it up.
I appreciate the fundamental of your point. I feel that people can enjoy intoxication, or buzz feeling of alchohol buzz to feel in the mood. I consider someone intoxicated and sensual simply charming if you enjoy the flow. It is still believable to achieve less complex ideas being naturally sober. So yes, being drunk or sober hooking up with someone buzz or tipsy isnt a bad thing. Its fine, thank you for the point.
Some of us are intrinsically afraid of commitment but are constantly looking for intimacy. As a result of this we throw ourselves in a endless loop of trying to find someone with whom we can fulfill this need of intimacy for a short period of time without taking the risk of being hurt by giving yourself up to the other person. This experiences of false “intimacy" actually provoque an even worse feeling of voidness in one-self that hurts in the long term even more than the betrayal you are avoiding by not committing to anyone. A long period of repeating this behaviour will cause your mind to actually find a coping strategy to this deep feeling of voidness by developing psychopathic and narcissistie traits in your personality in which you purposely start to avoid intimacy, become feelingless and resentful with the world, and start seeing others as mere objects that you can use and discard. Maybe it's time to take the risk and if we are lucky we will be able to build a relationship where real intimacy can be experienced.
Oh geez that’s a complicated topic and not much discussed. I was a commitment phobe. And I can really understand what you are saying here. The fear of true intimacy, getting hurt, and the responsibility of a relationship seemed too much to bear. You are right when you say, we become selfish. I relished in being single. But I also felt empty and lonely. I finally committed and I’m married, which is something I didn’t see happen. It’s a new way of living, thinking and behaving. Thank you!
This type of hooking up is a great way of practicing being a bad spouse. No commitment, no responsibility, no enduring the hard times to strengthen the relationship. This is practice and practice makes perfect, but a perfect what? Not a good husband or wife. If these are your choices then please do not marry anyone as you have no concept of discipline and endurance and no- working out in the gym is not the same. Marriage is a difficult enough reality with out going through it with short sighted flake with no boundaries and only in it for the good times.
@@Foxxxo And why is that? Could it be because hook up culture has made a mess of relationships? Could it be because women are out here acting like prostitutes and still expecting to be treated as queens?
KNowing youtube comments, and especially the state of the current society we live in, I did not have high hopes. I have to say I am very pleasantly surprised by the amount of critical thinking, intellect and class displayed by the comments to this video. One of the few times my faith in humanity gets restored a bit.
I tried to be into this but i just can't, the thing that makes a relationship last is loyalty and it it only gets better the deeper you are connected with your partner. Being a women that definitely used to be "ok" with casual sex, I now (looking back) realize it was out of such attempt to grasp something good, something extremely fleeting. Or I would have to break someones heart who was very into me after a one night stand.Humans are incredibly emotional beings, we are not just emotional/ sexual beings. I don't have a single friend that didn't feel at least a bit hurt after never hearing back from a "fuck buddy". Sex is extremely intimate and vulnerable, and due to the seriously consumer based emotionally rejected society we live in today, people fucking seek that intimacy. People should be given affection, hugs, kisses, snuggles, affirmation from friends and family. You should always feel that whom ever you're fucking is a worthy person who appreciates you. Casual sex is totally cool, but I don't think it is a notion to be necessarily encouraged, we should look at the underlying need for sex, why that affirmation is essential
So true, because we are God's (men/women), we are not animal's because animal's are less intelligent/adaptable/creative, etc. than us. We can duplicate another human being that is intelligent that can defy laws of physics of space, time and matter to an extent🧠.
Actually no. It's a bunch of DNA in a cell with self-propulsion (male) or without self-propulsion (female). BTW they use the same energy all your other cells use: ATP (Adenosine Tri Phosphate). This doesn't mean creating babies isn't a great thing, it truly is. I just have to object to this dangerous ignorance of known facts and this mystification.
I just want to say that although I am not bashing casual sex, this TEDx talk was terrible and its arguments in no way helped me agree with the idea of casual sex more
Always love Ted Talks, but this was terrible advice. Casual sex is bad for you, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and often physically. So I guess I'm a closed minded old man. Do what you want, but I'm teaching my grandchildren better than this.
Rod Pruitt I agree we human live on hormones men or women , the two system Central nervous system and autonomic nervous system ,these two systems works refectory in coordination if we keep on changing our partners it effect our emotions and drive depression and anxiety .consistency and devotion in s relationship is what keep us sane it prevents the plague of emotional trauma .
I married the love of my life, now married for 5 years, 11 years in a relationship. We were each other's first. And we are 27 and 30 years old now. We have a 2 year old. Still madly in love with each other, and happy. He comes from a religious family, so he was not allowed to have relationships because they are from a conservative culture. I, on the other hand, wasn't interested in boys for a long time. Couldn't find someone to have a serious relationship with. We had been friends for years, and he became my best friend. When his parents started looking for a marriage prospect for him, my heart sank. Confessed I can't live without him, and...rest is history. The fact that we were best friends for such a long time helped us cement our relationship and our marriage is built on that strong foundation. That's our experience. Then again, might not be for everyone.
Beautiful love story. Thanks for sharing, inspiring. :) I'm guessing he is or was Mormon. That's how I was raised except I was like you, not interested in anyone for a while.
beautiful! God bless you with more kids, He sure seems to be willing to send them if we are willing to receive them they are the best payoff we have 14 not one to spare they are all fantastic 9 girls 5 boys
“Have a rotation of partners in order to prevent yourself from getting emotionally attached...” Wow.... sleep around rather than make sure you aren’t insecure and codependent... “works well..”
@@sylvia5400 not what he said. He said being emotionally attached is potentially a sign of being insecure and codependent. Rather than working on that, she basically advocated for multiple partners.
@@christophermclaughlin5650 She presented multiple possible ways to address the problem. It doesn't mean that she thinks that this specific way (having a rotation of partners) is appropriate for every case of someone having a tendency to get too attached. OP is just biased and attacking a strawman.
Casual sex is a moral choice. If you were raised believing you only get married once and live happily ever afterward, you would likely feel physically sick after casual sex instead of all the supposed benefits it offers, with feeling sick ranging from "it doesn't feel quite right" to nauseated. You feel sick, you don't do it again. You feel pleasure, you would want to repeat. It's simple. Respect.
Yes, it is a choice. But the brunt of the consequences are bared by society: Single parent households which lead to the degrading of communities, STDs, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, damages to the soul, psyche, conscience, medical costs to society, etc...
I agree with Abbie Roberts (below). As a male, I never found any allure whatever at the idea of touching or being touched by someone to whom I did not feel really connected or where some sort of commitment did not exist. The guys I know who try to notch their belts with ‘conquests’ are, of course, living an illusion or two. They’re not ‘connquering’ anyone by simply being glib-tongued narcissists or better manipulators than the guy who’s not in the pick-up bar. Being with another in an intimate sense means making myself vulnerable to her, open to her, and I would not do this with just anyone, anytime. It’s also not wanting the rampant microbial ‘bonuses’ of such encounters. Also, intimacy is like currency. For people who are not careful and monogamous, they are creating intimacy inflation and their encounters become banal, rather than what I think they can and should be, the joining of the sacred feminine with the sacred masculine in a safe and mutually life-affirming space as an expression of something far beyond rutting.
"I sleep around a lot and must use mental gymnastics to make women ruin their chances at stability like me" sleeping around is temporary happiness, thinking of the future is permanent. Regardless of what the clown on this stage says
Think totally resistant gonorrhea, human papilloma virus potentially causing cancer, syphilis, hepatitis B & C, etc. The cost of treatment for a course for Hep C alone is $85,000.00. Think carefully.
It always amazes how academic studies with all their data and charts make so many assumptions and ignore some relevant factors that the conclusions are heavily biased. One example- let's say you have one person (male or female) who has a desire (not a need) for sexual variety, but he/she doesn't know how the other person is going to be left after the deed is done. Why don't they? Because, by definition, a hookup is a sexual encounter with someone you don't know! This speaker's assumption is that seeking out hookups is fine for the right pairing, but how can you possibly assess that, if one entire 1/2 of the pair is completely unknown to you?! That's one. Secondly, this women's endorsement of casual hookups makes an essential assumption that *your* experience is what matters. The other person is responsible for their own feelings. Now, unless you literally walk up to someone in a bar and ask how- before anything else- how good are you at dealing with the aftermath of a hookup (which I highly suspect is not the way that these things come together), you may be entirely unaware that the other gets very attached to their partner during sex (which is actually the way the brain is wired), and they might be in rough shape for a some time afterward. But, according to this so-called expert, this is not your worry. Your job, if that's what you want, is to worry about your ecstasy, your pleasure and the realization of your fantasies. That is entirely me-oriented, and people with that makeup are some of the best at not meeting the other's needs, because a. They've never asked and b. They're not even thinking about that. They're focused on *their* experience. And, the worst part of this talk is that she talks about casual sex as mainly about the anonymity of a new penis meeting a new vagina. As I would hope, everyone knows that men are not penises, and women are not vaginas. Yes, they have those parts, but they are also deeply connected to a vast and complex personality. So, while you are out there hunting for the next potential hookup, and you may have a history of just walking away with no strings attached- there could be something about the other person this time that causes you to bond emotionally with the other, much to your surprise. And, even more to your surprise, you get your heart broken by someone who is more skilled at not looking back then you are!
I mean she is a sex researcher- that suggests something to me right there. Who wants to research about sex? Everybody! But, very few are actually doing it. So, I am guessing she is loose as a goose, but has been criticized for it, and she's trying to prove, as you said, that she's right. She does mention that you need two people who want no strings attached for this to work. Everybody thinks beforehand that they are totally cool with it. But, afterwards, many of those same people who thought they could handle it, no problem are plagued with feelings of confusion, attachment, jealousy and anger (when they see your partner for that night) out with other people. I am totally monogamous. I cannot tolerate competition, and my experience with the women I meet is that they are not too keen with it either.
Abundance of choice makes you reluctant to actually make one. Loneliness is the only consequence. Only commitment brings true value, genuine connection and real satisfaction.
I disagree with this on so many levels... her ideologies perpetuate the lack of commitment, shallow sex culture, and emotional turmoil that we already see so prominent in society. There's a reason why a majority of the people hooking up, get themselves drunk before they do so. I applaud her courage and her well put-together argument but this is a dangerous perspective.
Plenty of turmoil exists in relationships including marriage. Intimacy and commitment only makes abuse more difficult because having feelings for someone makes a person less objective about toxic behavior.
@@KernelHughes That doesn't disprove the above points. Not the same kinds of turmoil necessarily exist in 'hook-ups' as marrital or non-marrital relationships.
Addiction is a whole different topic. You can get addicted to anything you do regularly. And also a vast majority of people who become addicts to something, quit.
@@World_bybike Dude, if not getting attached to semeone so easily is being luckier, then Soma is the way of the future, I rather stay being an oldschool savage.
@@4GeRLvX your words truly make sense. Some people just can't point out these errors that are way too obvious coz they are always trying to challenge the basics and they loose common sense. It is a sickness that in the name of progression, we think that all the things our ancestors did were baseless.
Love and lust are different. Love= intimacy, security, vulnerability. Lust= adventure, novelty, excitement. Really difficult to feel both with the same person in the long run.
Hmm. Do you not think there is a reason why Lust and Love are coupled together? It’s so that you can add them together to have an amazing relationship. Love without lust is so boring and dulls relationships. Lust without love feels empty, self-serving, and short-lived. Lust intertwined with love creates bursts with colours of mutual satisfaction, creativity, and endless adventure.
Can u please explain the term "Vulnerability' in this context because i have had heard and came came across this term but couldn't find the real essence of it.
0:06 Hey Dr. Vrangalova, thanks for clarifying why our country is now one of the top countries for STDs just in the first seconds of this talk. Thanks for saying its ok to live in a "Hollywood fantasy" world where we don't have disease and human life is just a "thrill". I learned a lot from this TED Talk :)
That's false. The US isn't even in the Top 10 for STIs. Source: WisevoterWisevoter # Country STD Rate 1 South Africa 37.3K 2 Botswana 34.1K 3 Lesotho 32.5K 4 Bermuda 32.4K 5 Brazil 31.7K 6 Gabon 31.5K 7 Barbados 31K 8 Puerto Rico 30.9K 9 Eswatini 30.9K 10 Cuba 30.8K
@@RistoPalmeriyeah right... plus, the most promiscuous contries in the world are also relatively very low in that classification for STD rates... so maybe things are more complex
I have a buddy who used "hooking up" to medicate his feelings of depression. Let me tell you, it did not help at all. He's been in a long term relationship for over a year now and I've never seen him more happy. I have another friend who says he prefers hooking up and absolutely doesn't want a long term relationship, yet he is always saying how much he wants what I have (been with the same girl for 10 years now) I've met people that absolutely fit right in with just hooking up casually, but they are a rare minority. It' just seems that a lot of people that do it have negative feelings about it, even when they say it's what they want.
I met some people that hookups fit with them perfectly, basically because they were whores, however, after talking to them on a deeper level. None of them were ever totally with their lifestyle. There's a lot to be said about that.
Here’s one. Your child grows up seeing mommies revolving bedroom door, and never learns to develop healthy relationships with the opposite gender, because they learn to see the others as disposable.
That's how it is these days. Every one is always looking for the next best thing and can replace someone in the blink of an eye especially women. They have endless options thanks to social media and online dating.
The comment section answers the question for those watching. The answer is there is a good set of powerful and life changing reasons why the stigma has existed since the beginning of the institution of marriage.
Absolutely me too it never works I always say I'm going to be casual but I fall for the person. The sad thing is they do not Fall for me and I end up alone Again
I must admit I am pleasantly surprised with the top-rated comments to this video, people. Way to not fall for something that sounds pleasant just because it's packaged as science.
Why? Because it's not pleasant to you? The video mentions that every situation depends on everyone's own life situation. Are you saying that's wrong? If so, what gives you the right to dictate what's wrong and right for eveyone else?
@@richlaue Coz It's short term....I don't know if all American women are like this...if this makes them happy then fine..but I am an Asian woman...and all I want is to feel loved, have kids, basically have a family.... that's what would make me happy....... I think hook up culture is not for those who have emotions
I think most of the " moral " and " existential " problems we're facing in our time are mainly due to one thing, intra-psychic conflicts, and this can be attributed to the complications introduced by mass media and information influx, from a young age we are bombarded with so much " information " and " possibilities" that instead of building a healthy and stable identity we only manage to make a crude one which is easily tossed and swayed and even dismantled as we interact with this turbulent world, the best way to cripple a man is to attack his identity and unfortunately a healthy self identity is something that modern days environment does not support
Junk food is bad because it lacks nutrition and is therefore unfulfilling. Once eating junk food becomes a habbit, transitioning to healthy food becomes extremely difficult. Junk relationships are bad because they lack intimacy and are likewise unfullfilling. Once junk relations are a habbit, transitioning to healthy relationships becomes extremely difficult.
I never watched the video. It couldn't load on my phone despite the high speed Internet, yet I was able to learn so much from the comment section. Thanks to everyone who made a comment and for those that believed in real love 💕 , connection and a lasting relationship, you made my day.
Girls of High Value that’s just ideological...... with almost half the population being women how would you be able to convince every women to submit to that belief?
"Promiscuous people have more friends" Yes that's completely obvious. It's because social competence is instrumental to both. People who can't make many friends typically have trouble finding a hookup.
Lay off the KS/Fresh and Fit, bubba - there are gems of truth in their content, but it not worth the hatred towards women in sub-consciously instill in you
It's sad that people are rationalizing things which are clearly wrong. Especially when the negative effects are intangible, merely psychological and spiritual.
@@World_bybike Why do you treat others thoughts and cultures’ ideas as prejudices while you want your fantasised-based actions to be seriously thought about or at least deserve thinking about more than others?!! At least be fair and objective not judging and blame others for their judgments. Tell me what your society will be doing in 100 years of hooking up and breaking rules of healthy family, I guess this is a way to question issues not to judge!
@@World_bybike You mean the women's head dressing? Even though the word prejudice had been heavily misappropriated, no matter how you meant your statement
The fact that the human brain is still developing in the late teens and early twenties is reflected in the sense of invincibility that often fuels hookups among young people - "It can't happen to me". HPV and herpes aren't fully preventable by the use of condoms, are incurable and, when undiagnosed, can be unknowingly spread out to hundreds and potentially thousands of other people, particularly in hookup culture. The minimization of what it means to bring unwanted children into the world and how that often affects *their* sexuality and sexual choices in the future is irresponsible. It's also worth noting that despite her comment about having stories to tell to "people in homes for the elderly", many elders are also still sexually active. This woman likes to sound clever but her assertions lack context and are therefore misleading.
To spare yourself a lot of emotional pain, see if the two of you actually have a connection, and get to know each other for a good while, before you decide to bone.
She is giving you two options you can do it or not. It's your choice. Maybe you didn't see the hole video or maybe you weren't aible to understand it. That's a shame
There's also nothing wrong with going with natural instincts of wanting to be with and stay and yearning for a monogamous relationship. Just sayin'.....these TED talks are leading me to think it's wrong to feel this way.
I assumed there would be both pros and cons. The one thing that always concerned me was the emotional connection. It seems to me that people do their very best to avoid any feelings or connection because they don't plan on seeing the person anymore. I feel like over time this trains people to be emotionally blunted, selfish, and uncompassionate. The mind is a very plastic thing, if you work on something long enough you will eventually succeed. But hook ups don't neccesarily have to be this way. Just because you may never see this person again doesn't mean you can't connect with then emotionally. This is just something I've noticed with people that hook up a lot, I know it's all anecdotes. Just a thought.
Silvia Mendes I agree with you. If men kept it in their pants, all women would be virgins once they commit to their longterm committed partner. It is men that have led women towards the hook up culture, and it’s tragic effects. It will be solved though.
Girls of High Value no it won’t..... it’s human nature to sleep around, humans we just used the cloaks of religious beliefs and societal norms to control people’s actions, the millennial and Gen X generations just don’t care for restrictions set by older generations who in fact have the highest divorce rates set their because of old school values. Basically having their parents pressure them into marriage in their 20s..... no matter what humans we’ll be miserable not matter what options they make.
K dot AfroClan not exactly a “glass half full” comment this one. I understand where you are coming from, but the divorce rates don’t come from marrying early - they come largely from sleeping around in your teens and 20’s and 30’s. However - as you might have noticed - monogamy only creates dysfunctional families. 3 girls in love is a new form of family structure that gives hope to men and women alike. I got married when I was 23 by the way. Strong marriage.
"Make your casual sex partner care about your pleasure". Ummm. How does this mess with the fact that, by her own admission, the "adventurous" casual sex partner would have to care about you as a PERSON, in order to care about your needs? Thanks for pointing out that if people have to self medicate with drugs and alcohol, they shouldn't be hooking up at all. And those people who don't naturally have a chemical or brain bond with their sexual partner...what. mental health diagnosis would they often receive?...
+alfred notting That's pretty much the only thing that makes me feel uneasy about having casual sex. Otherwise I know I wouldn't be affected emotionally or anything.
mi channnal I meant that I'm not prone to emotional attachment, and therefore wouldn't be hurt much by the separation that follows casual sexual encounters, or the emotional detachment that normally characterizes them. I don't sleep with girls I don't like, or for whom I only have a superficial physical attraction.
@@Mustafa_Naqvi5 Because in the end you feel like an object that was just used if you don't have it with love and that causes emotional damage to both partners
Talk about the elephant in the room! Her choice, to ignore the connection between sex and the birth of a HUMAN BEING who is in need of love and nurture, reveals a selfish and narcissistic approach to sex that is all to common now and helps to expand the ever increasing "Culture of Death." Furthermore, In terms of the emotional component of sex, it becomes a chicken or egg question. That is to say that if one has had casual sex enough times, and I suspect this woman has, they become emotionally callous to (or at least great self-deniers of) the negative emotional impact it often has on both parties.
Everything she’s talking about sounds like a weak rationalization to do what she wants to do while dressing it up to look like objectivity and self-actualization
True. But thats not the primary concern in the comments. The issue is that there are many people who want to enjoy hook up culture but want none of the negative consequences.
Better/different education is needed, like other areas many good people are dragged though mud...in teaching one size does not fit all.....life is short right, hence even the timing of teaching is critically,,,different,,,let alone the crazy atmospheres out there.
If you start trying to claim individuals can have their own "morality", then morality ceases to exist. If we can all decide what is right and wrong then whether something is right or wrong doesn't matter and you have no moral code. So no, you can't have their own morality, society mutually develops moral codes over time to establish a collective set of values.
Flicked through the comments and my faith in humanity was restored! 😇 Seems like largely those that can healthily and happily 'hook up' no longer really want to, and those that do look for that are feeding a selfish hole? Thoughts??? 1 lv
Hookup culture teaches people how to disconnect. Teaches them how to not feel anything for people, even when you dump them. You drop people quicker and more often for more slightly innocuous reasons each time. I know a woman who is 41 and hasn't had kids or been married, she goes on 1-3 dates a day looking for the 'one' but won't let people past date 1 99% of the time, and will drop them over them not replying for more than 3 hours. She sleeps with guys after x amount of hours (even if its 1 date but like 6 hrs long). She's nuts
regret is living in the past. even if you live a life save from errors, age will change your body and you will change the way you live from day to day to reflect that. Its mentally healthy to leave your regrets behind, and to move forward in life.
@@albertgaspar627 It's also guilt, shame, heck even remorse and opposite of satisfaction, happiness, gladness so regardless of what you are talking about at the end of the day regret helps us BE better.
@@ArcanumOverseer i would argue that regret alone doesn't make us better--its what we do with the regret. some will wallow in regret, some will learn, some only regret getting caught doing what they wanted to do. Regret has to begin a positive reaction to it.
This lady is proof is that more education does not equate to higher intelligence. In fact from my experience with various people I interact with on daily basis, my above statement holds true. Highly educated people tend to be chronically deficient in various important aspects of thier lives.
A girl who had many many pertners, disociates soul mind and spirit. Fragment her counciousness and becomes disabled to pair bond with a man who wasn't in this pleasure rollercoaster of hook up culture. Happened to me.
Same for men. My husband is a mess from all his years of hooking up. I don't think he could truly bond to anyone if he tried. He wants a healthy relationship and marriage but his mind is so fragmented he doesn't know how to do it.
@@nosepass1939 😂 Possibly. Some do. I know plenty who didn't also. Guess for me it was going up in a family where all the men were like that. My mother was murdered when I was young so I may have missed out on valuable female advice. I've learned too much the hard way. Never to late to develop a new way of thinking
I think it rarely ends up actually being fulfilling . In general it's probably fine if done respectfully on both ends, but I despise that hookup culture is somehow the new ideal. I think there is beauty in waiting, in creating self love, in caring who you sleep with. I think when you truly love yourself, you don't want to share that with just anyone.
I wish every female and male thought the way you did. There would be way less broken homes and relationships..
Thank you,
Thank you so much. Just self love is so rare. It would change this world dramatically.
That's right
Periodt
This addressed people's enjoyment of an isolated sexual experience, but it did not address long term happiness, at least not to my satisfaction. For example, does casual sex have an impact on the success of future long-term relationships? The scope of this talk reduces the value of casual sex to the incident itself and doesn't ask any questions about what other areas of our lives casual sex might be affecting.
Part of what makes sex powerful is that it is an act of vulnerability. Treating it more casually and learning to do it without vulnerability, in order to get only the most transient rewards sex offers probably does not lend itself to the deeper aspects of sex's connective capacities. It is true that you can connect sexually with someone you have only just met, but in doing this there is more risk, more incentive to hide away our vulnerabilities. If you can manage to have casual sex without getting in the habit of adopting an invulnerability around it, more power to you. But in a lot of cases I've seen, people who have had a lot of casual sex have to relearn how to be vulnerable in order to both get the best of what sex has to offer and the best of what relationships have to offer.
+Nathan Dyck Exactly my thought too.
+Nathan Dyck
From what I've read/seen casual sex is correlated with less overall lifetime happiness. Certainly long term relationships + being a part of a community (not only support from it, also obligations to it, supporting others) are proven in leading to more happiness. So I wouldn't be sure about hook ups, but a culture of free-floating electron that takes no obligations (sexual or otherwise), bangs what it will and just moves on leaving all the people behind is a recipe for unhappiness.
+Peteruspl Exactly. Love is a choice and happiness is a choice. The idea that if you just find the 'right one' by sleeping around until you find perfect compatibility is absurd. We're living in a culture where we have a high standard of living, and therefore we put a high value on personal fulfillment (which isn't necessarily a bad thing but it's interesting that most people seem to place it at the very top of the pyramid... guess I can't blame them as who doesn't want to be absurdly happy all the time?). So in essence what we do is go out into the world and try to find that special person who will be our "everything." This one person MUST fulfill us, make us happy, fulfill all of our deepest sexual fantasies, etc. In reality, no one can do this for us. Long term happiness comes from adopting a certain perspective about life, a willingness to accept yourself and others and know that nothing will ever be perfect... and thank god for that lol! No one is happy all of the time, but we can help ourselves be content and have peace for a lot of it with some good old humility and willingness to let go. My lovely life partner has taught me so much about this. I used to be a very self centered cry baby and thought of myself as the victim of my own circumstances. I've gone through a lot of negative shit in my life (who hasn't?). But my wonderful lover has given me the great gift of her perspective. She is a rock and has made me the man I am today. Without her I'd be just a lost schmuck without a freaking clue about life. My maturity has grown considerably (well, let's be honest... it's grown a little more than it was in the past heh heh). All of that said, it's still all easier said than done as it's taken a hell of a lot of hard work. But so far, I've found it better than the alternative. I'm glad I found her and chose monogamy. I'm better for it. ...that said, I don't want to judge people who aren't in my situation. I know there are others out there for which long term commitment doesn't seem to work for and that's fine I guess. I'm just biased because I'm blessed in this regard.
+Nathan Dyck The rewards the speaker listed were not all that transient. Learning sexual skills can benefit you, your entire life. Gaining non-judgmental friends and learning to be non-judgmental is invaluable. Increasing one's self confidence, desirability, empowerment and sense of freedom from false traditions, keeps on benefiting. Allowing yourself to have deep physical, emotional, mental and spiritual connections with friends is enriching.
Its really one's own conscious choice to depreciate the value of sex whether its casual or long term. It's really one's own choice to be less vulnerable and besides, casual sex with good friends actually gives a person more practice at learning to manage vulnerability. Those with the idea that only long term relationships can offer the best of what sex has to offer may some day find out their so called long term; relationship is over, and the imagination that it was long term, was never really a factor on how good their sex was.
+MartinDezion I'm interested how you are defining "casual." I have no assumption that sex is best within long-term monogamous relationships. You raise the issues of non-judgement and friendship which address what I would identify as being the key features of casual sexuality (non-vulnerability, shallowness, inauthenticity, lack of genuine presence). I don't disagree with anything you are saying so maybe we are just using the word differently.
Is there a better word for describing the kind of half-present, invulnerable sexuality or mutual objectification/user-ship I am talking about?
I'm with the person that I love and I regret every single person I slept with before him. I used to sleep around before I met him. I used to think like she did. but I can tell you she is wrong. I was using it as a coping mechanism for my mental illness. I wanted to numb my emotional pain. I have friends that sleep around and they do it to numb the pain of not being able to move on from the person they truly wish to be with and have lost faith in men. I used to be that person. now, I found a man that made me realize what true love is. what I have now is so much better than shallow sleeping around. she makes the cons sound minimal but they leave deep scars. I hope nobody actual listens to this woman. just because somebody says they did a "study" does not mean they are a scientist.
very happy to read it .
That's good news. Strong stable loving relationships is what we all should be looking for. Some people, for psychological reasons, find these threatening or are otherwise unable to tolerate this level of commitment and intimacy. It is possible to change and grow after a period of promiscuity, but the longer it goes on the more destructive patterns set in. If you feel you have this problem seek counseling to make yourself more secure and capable of loving another person.
Casi Mira, how long have you been married/in relationship with your SO?
Amazing. Thanks for sharing.
Damn he took someone who sleeps around? Guy really settled for the bottom right there
She should do a long term study on how many got stds, unwanted pregnancies, abortions or got into dangerous situations. Forward 15 years ahead, compare how many end up in divorce or never had a serious relationship and compare it with the ones that did not go casual.
Prude
I got married at 19 and am recently divorced. The rate is about 50 percent either way.
@@hanneloreclemenson1228 There's a better chance that you don't have enough self respect than him being prudish.
@@dennissmith1072 lmao .NO
@@dennissmith1072 its not about what age you get married but how many partners you have before marriage that affects divorce rates. If both partners are virgins the divorce rate is 6%.
I never like hearing "find a rotation of partners" as a solution to not getting too overly attached to people. It always seems like that solution has the potential to hurt so many feelings of the people involved.
Agree
End of Times
@@lisaariottiart yes it is end times
Everyone involved brings higher potential of stds. I find people don't worry about STD's until you ask them if they have any.
ABSOLUTELY!
My experience as a counselor for the last 10 years is completely opposed to casual sex. It is extremely destructive for married couples.
Marriage is old fashioned and backwards
@@goxyeagle8446 right, but, that's just your opinion man...
@@pelestsetung Mine and millions of other people opinion
@@goxyeagle8446 so you want a girl who's had men in the double digits is what you're saying
@@goxyeagle8446
Marriage = reaponsabilities.
Reaponsabilities = Happiness (when fulfilled).
That's all
The comments section is a better Ted talk than the actual talk.
Indeed.
I also feel that people who rush to write their biased opinions in the comment section of a video they disagree with is a better TED talk than one delivered by a person who had her doctoral dissertation (on this very topic) accepted by a committee of highly trained thinkers who spent time to read her book and conclude that it was valid research
@@Gaib_al_lisan Yeah but they were all psychologists.
There are only two kinds of doctors who can treat 50 patients a year for forty years, never cure a single one and call that a successful career.
Voodoo witch doctors and psychiatrists.
- Just because you went to school doesn't mean you aren't a moron....
@@Dijetlo It's true that going to school doesn't mean that one is not a moron. But then what do you think a person who believes on overgeneralized digestible cookie-box boomer phrases like "phychologists and voodoo doctors can go through their career without curing a sobgle patient"? How does this measure on the moronic scale?
@@Gaib_al_lisan Has a psychiatrist ever cured anybody? You don't measure efficacy by result? It's more a question of how you feel about it, perhaps?
" You're fine, you don't need another appointment"
- Words never heard in a therapists office
Indeed
I love the way she adds 'STIs and unwanted pregnancies...' in together the end of the disadvantages just like they're no big deal or that they don't affect that side of the argument significantly
She also says it so quickly too.
Shey says it exactly the right way because you can avoid STIs. And even if you catch one they are in almost all cases very well treatable. The same goes for pregnancies. You just can't use this as a con.
So well observed. Also, as if an unwanted pregnancy (potentially with a stranger) could be simply counterbalanced with an orgasm the night before; as if these two experiences had just the same impact on one's life...
@@disdonc6012treatable pregnancy? Also, some STD’s are not curable such as herpes (skin to skin contact so condoms won’t work here), hepa B, HIV and HPV. She said the cons casually as if these consequences are nothing. 😂
I think she's coming from a really nuanced view, so no reason should be interpreted as being better or worse. It was listed, so I'd say she portrayed the message accurately.
"sex releases those hormones of love for your partner" - if you try to suppress those feelings, one day you will be 60 y/o end up all alone, because nobody loves you or looks at you that way. As a man, I am strongly against casual sex.
That's why you don't understand life and women. Many women doesn't care about BEING ALONE or not. I can say to you there are many single women who enjoy their life without a man. Having a man is mostly a HEADACHE for many women/.
You are a wise guy bro
I’m against one night stands, one good women feels like lifetime of happiness.
@@ninacohenne7766 But most of the women I know have said that it's actually more fulfilling to be with a man and have a family, and I asked why? Their response was simple because it gives them something to do a "purpose", yea sure single women may enjoy their lives alone but I they would have to be fulfilling some dream.
@Mika Mika Women out live men because women work less dangerous jobs. Stop letting yourself get scared.
I felt used & unwanted like a piece of toilet tissue 🧻 because I knew “for a fact” this man didn’t give a damn about me or my well-being.
They got to enjoy access to my body, and place me at the end of a long list of other casual encounters.
And I hate myself for allowing someone to treat me as if I’m unworthy of more…all because of loneliness.
You're right same happened with me as a man. It's the start of your depressing life.
What did you see in those men that made you want to sleep with them in the first place? I'm genuinely curious.
🤔
@@Priinsu she should blame her self more than those men that f...k and leave
should have never opened those legs imao
Its only a mistake if you think about it that way, in my opinion you should only worry about your personal enjoyment of the situation in this type of case and don't bother to think about what he thinks. Love yourself and do things for YOU
Always left me feeling empty and wanting a more proper relationship
This speech left me feeling empty and wanting a more proper TED talk.
How many would go out and want to spend 18 years in prison with somebody they don't like? This is what happens when you hookup and have a kid with somebody.
Exactly! That's what all people want at the end of the day. Someone to love and to be loved.
@@bentline
All these Tedx talks are killing ted talks.
Did you find one, friend?
As Sadhguru says, the more you force disconnect from other people, the more you disconnect with yourself and it manifests into your being.
Sadhguru also said he saw dead man waking up.
@@ahmedzakikhan7639 Lmaooo, I wouldn't listen to that guy anymore
@@mohamedabdi9704 a sophisticated baba who speaks English
He killed his wife. No one spiritually upped would be on youtube or be making political affiliations. Moreover he tells people to leave Moh Maaya and buys luxury cars has a lifestyle. He was also against punishing Rapists . Clearly promotes prime..
@@ahmedzakikhan7639 you should follow mohamad not sadguru lol😂
Would you let a stranger off the street into your house?
No?
Would you let a stranger look in your handbag?
No?
Would you let a stranger drive your car?
No?
Then why the heck would you let a stranger into your pants!?
Lol, that's just my opinion.
Abbie Roberts I would let you do anything with me.
All of you americans, always finding reasons to discredit people´s arguments with drastic examples that just emphasize morality. Stop it with your good and not good opinions. That will just give you a small perspective of important topics such as this one. And, come on, she did more than research, and she's inviting us to think this satanized topic from another perspective.
I'm not American. And I respect what she is saying totally, I just don't agree :)
Finally someone who's respectful of others opinions
I agree.
I’ve had several hookups, and at times, I did walked away feeling great. It boosted my self-esteem, made me feel attractive and desirable. Sometimes, I felt proud of performance, or I experienced a brief spark of connection that gave me hope for a relationship.
But the initial positive feelings turned bitter, as I ended up feeling disappointed, lonelier than before, and often ashamed for ignoring my inner voice, which resisted intimacy with a stranger.
If I'm being honest with myself, I have to admit that hookups do not bring me nearly as much positive outcomes as they damage me.
It is all about you, you, you, your egotistical soul gets fed and it feels good. Screw that.
it's sad to read that. Thank you for sharing. Are you a woman or man ?
“Your physical decisions are inextricably tied to your emotional wellbeing”
that's the reason why alcohol was involved in most hookups. intelligence and sound cognitive abilities do not go well with hookups
@@delmanpronto9374 Or you need to be drunk to numb yourself to the pain of another meaningless encounter.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 absolutely but the depression comes the next day after the Act when you realise that they don't even want a relationship. But already shared intimate parts
I know myself and I wouldn't like it. I need to have a deep connection with someone before I can be intimate.
First time seeing the comment section not agreeing with a particular ted talk
@Robby Zheng Because people are getting more influenced by social media and losing moral ground as a result.
Because this woman as a phycologist leading people to self-destruction
Yes, the cons of unwanted pregnancy and STD's (long-term, even permanent situations) totally DON'T outweigh the pros of "new friends and cool stories" (VERY short-term situations). This is ridiculous.
There are condoms and birth control. Did you forget?
And don't forget penicillin!
It is!! These so-called scientists are creating their own stuff. I don't believe them, period.
Pleasure, Pleasure? Bad girl!!
@@1DangerMouse1 both can fail epically.
@@1DangerMouse1 yes, theirs also side effects from pills, don't forget killing your babies. It's great we can do all these things just for more pleasure isn't it?
Man people REALLY don't like being told that being irresponsible is bad.
Irresponsible how? :)
Only prudes call promiscuity “irresponsible.”
Surprised how prudish everything looks around here.
@@FrankCastle-tq9bz and only whores and prostitutes worship promiscuity
@@goldsilvervscrisiscollapse4320 I don't "worship" promiscuity - I practice it.
Cookies are great but not really the basis of a nourishing diet.
I love this analogy.
This one
Nice👌🏾🔥🔥🔥🔥
Great analogy!
No one would ever say you don't need proper meals... but I bet it is just as hard to find people who don't like snacks. ;) :D
Damn
I was curious about this video more because I wanted to read the comments and see what other people think. I haven't watched it but through reading a lot of the comments I have a little more hope for our society. I don't have anything against people who persue that lifestyle, its very common these days, it's just not for me. I thought I was weird for not being okay with it. I've always wanted to wait for a deeper connection before I do anything intimate with anyone
Totally agree. Why can’t just people wait for the right person?
I wish I will meet someone like you one day. I haven't been that lucky yet.
I agree with you it messes you up emotionally which is not good,rather wait on the right person to connect with.
The problem with most women is that they do it until they are 30 and when they've had their fun they are surprised men aren't lining up to settle with them. If you want to marry and kids you should start looking when you are 18-25, not 30-35.
You're not weird❤
I'd have thought Stds and unwanted pregnancies would have been at the the top of the con list.
Americans sure are brainwashed into thinking condoms are useless...
DRSNova Humans are not like any other animal, we have moral radar and a complex perception of reality and to be honest, if we didn’t live in a society that can cure things like gonorrhea, syphilis or having the ability to utilize condoms, you would probably like the idea of staying with one person until you die, helps keeps the cancer and schizophrenia that could come up later because of those diseases.
As well as the chance of being done in by a serial killer
Didn't they invent something called screenings and condoms?
Aids isn't casual.
I’m very happy to learn that 95% of the comments below are negative.
It brings me hope that the world is indeed becoming a better place.
Can't agree more. In fact scrolled down to see how people react
Amen
three days later we will see is there any hope , either we can bring back old good days or woke/sjw disease rules everywhere
what a sex obsessed society we live in. I think rather than using sex and "hookups" to fill your void of adventure, mystery and excitement, it would be better to develop yourself as a person and become more interesting.
She doesn't care about getting laid! She's a woman!
By developing yourself and thus becoming more interesting *gets* you laid in the first place :P
Actually, all the dating experts say that that is EXACTLY what will get you laid. Nothing is more attractive than a man on a mission.
I live in LA and the vast vast majority of women I meet are completely uninteresting regardless of what they look like. I feel like I'm that rare guy that actually wants to connect at least a tiny bit with a partner. The physical alone just doesn't do it for me. Sucks 😔
How does becoming more interesting fill your void of adventure? Seems you've got it backwards. Seeking adventure is what leads to being more interesting.
After the act is done I feel cheap, I don’t think women know when men start getting older we desire real companionship too.
I think they do but when you're like her, they are ruined and start to use it against us, because they have a self serving spirit within them after defiling themselves for 10 years +
I will only consider marrying a woman under the age of 21, I don't care how old I am. 1 load from another guy in the womb that bears my children and continues my family's lineage is 1 too many.
I agree. I say bring back arranged marriage (not forced), so that men can receive the stamp of approval from fathers.
Fathers are not protecting their daughters as they should.
@@WomenofHighValue and fathers are not raising men. Boomer men as a whole are horrible fathers
Seb A yes I agree with you. I have high hopes for the next generation of fathers though :) I’m having fun being a father of three myself!
@@WomenofHighValue Sometimes I feel like I'm raising my Dad lol. We gonna make it. All the best to you champion
This is the first TED talk I have seen that I profoundly and strongly disliked. While I respect and affirm an individual's right to have casual sex, I resent the insinuation that casual sex is something that all people should be open to. Among educated, liberal and 'forward thinking' individuals, it feels as though monogamous sex is a sign of backwardness or stubborn traditionalism. The speaker's glib dismissal of emotional intimacy in sexuality causes a lot more suffering than she and those who think like her are willing to acknowledge.
+Melanie V This researcher is filling a gap in the scientific literature about an specific topic. In the same way there were a lot of research studies on long-term relationships. These studies are necessary besides you like the results or not. She has published her results in different journals that take into account standard methodologies and high quality data.
I understand that she is filling in gaps. However, I'm entitled to make of those results what I will. Research does not occur in a vacuum and the public is allowed to engage with those results in a meaningful way.
+Melanie V If your 'meaningful way' is making assumptions about (and I'm using your words) 'forward thinking' individuals and "' those who think like her"; without any backup, I see your point.
Completely agree with you. I wrote a long reply on my phone that didn't post. This woman is spouting pure ignorance.
+Melanie V not to mention the selection bias. But it's tedX which is usually shit to begin with.
A sense of accomplishment was never it. It's a novelty, an adventure, dangerous, exciting. But after the job was done I felt more empty than before. The excitement was in the chase, not the kill. You feel good when someone responds, especially after you just got out of a relationship that you never wanted to end. The pain of the loss is still there so you seek another. It's only the horrible guilt and shame and emptiness that deters. I would never talk about my past hook ups because of that reason.
Are you sure? Isn't that what traps most people into it more than anything?
herpes and abortions
The excitement is definitely the draw...more so when you're already in a relationship, and even more so when both you and your hook-up are both in separate relationships. The more taboo, the more exciting.
How about waiting a few days... And call the lady again to see if a relationship could come from it?
Some people watch TED talks and assume they are all automatically giving sound advice and worth heeding. This video is proof that such a line of thinking is dangerous.
What was wrong with it?
@@kbanghart The moment he said the video is "giving advice" it proofs he didn't actually watch it.
@@dificulttocure yep
Children of sattan will always lie for they daddy
You're more than right.
These people are legitimizing their personal drives, personal stories and tend to make sound scientific. It is just an ideology. The ideological part of Science.
I don't care about her Ph.D.x
Being loyal & committed to just one partner in actual relationship is always a conscious choice & selective decision.
Sleeping around, polygamy affairs is biological nature but essentially, an animal instinct of reproduction, as like any dog & cat out their.
It take a consciously evolved mind to see this difference, & decide not to give in to animal instincts if human wants to differ from most animals.
couldn't agree more
Woah!! I feel the exactly same! Consciousness is what sets us apart from Animals!
v
Agreed
Quite interesting insight.
As you said it’s not for everybody and with anybody...but as long as you do it in full freedom of action and choice it’s your own responsibility.
interesting after 26 years of marriage it is very easy to see some of the totally gaping holes in this young lady's theories. Nearly choked on my coffee are the idea of casual intimate sex. She came out with that oxymoron and had a completely straight face. The real kicker was the idea that if you can train yourself to not be affected by the hormone that bonds you to a sexual partner that you will be more healthy. That hormone is the very chemical that makes you put your ego back in perspective after makeup sex with your life partner. Damage that and what are you left with? People that fail at long term relationships because they don't get over themselves. This whole presentation was based on how young people FEEL after hookup sex. Not on how it will affect them long term. Even 10 years is not true long term. There are many more important issues sidestepped in here but those two alone start to collapse the house of card she has constructed.
Nah, I think you're wrong.
Damn ,hello wow
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
My 45 years of marriage tends to agree with you. After nine minutes of this it is time to turn it off and go squeeze my little doll who will be seventy in January. Enjoying the benefits of the compound emotional interest of maintaining a long term relationship.
Curt Christensen So you want STDs too? Lol
"If you need to be drunk hooking up then you should not be hooking up at all."
***** That is what the speaker said. But it is true. What you describe is social anxiety. L theanine or GABA could have done the same thing without the reduction in judgement. Look it up.
I appreciate the fundamental of your point. I feel that people can enjoy intoxication, or buzz feeling of alchohol buzz to feel in the mood. I consider someone intoxicated and sensual simply charming if you enjoy the flow. It is still believable to achieve less complex ideas being naturally sober. So yes, being drunk or sober hooking up with someone buzz or tipsy isnt a bad thing. Its fine, thank you for the point.
Some of us are intrinsically afraid of commitment but are constantly looking for intimacy. As a result of this
we throw ourselves in a endless loop of trying to find someone with whom we can fulfill this need of intimacy for a short period of time without taking the risk of being hurt by giving yourself up to
the other person. This experiences of false “intimacy" actually provoque an even worse feeling of voidness in one-self that hurts in the long term
even more than the betrayal you are avoiding by not committing to anyone.
A long period of repeating this behaviour will cause your mind to actually find a coping strategy to this deep feeling of voidness by developing psychopathic and narcissistie traits in your personality in which you purposely start to avoid intimacy, become feelingless and resentful with the world, and start seeing others as mere objects that you can use and discard.
Maybe it's time to take the risk and if we are lucky we will be able to build a relationship where real intimacy can be experienced.
Perfectly said . The root of the issue is emotional not physical.
👏👏👏👏
Oh geez that’s a complicated topic and not much discussed. I was a commitment phobe. And I can really understand what you are saying here. The fear of true intimacy, getting hurt, and the responsibility of a relationship seemed too much to bear.
You are right when you say, we become selfish. I relished in being single. But I also felt empty and lonely.
I finally committed and I’m married, which is something I didn’t see happen.
It’s a new way of living, thinking and behaving.
Thank you!
This comment alone is better than the whole talk
This type of hooking up is a great way of practicing being a bad spouse. No commitment, no responsibility, no enduring the hard times to strengthen the relationship. This is practice and practice makes perfect, but a perfect what? Not a good husband or wife.
If these are your choices then please do not marry anyone as you have no concept of discipline and endurance and no- working out in the gym is not the same. Marriage is a difficult enough reality with out going through it with short sighted flake with no boundaries and only in it for the good times.
Good Citizen well said!
People don't want to get married anymore anyway so who cares?
@@Foxxxo And why is that? Could it be because hook up culture has made a mess of relationships? Could it be because women are out here acting like prostitutes and still expecting to be treated as queens?
@@Foxxxo you need to ask why
Thank you, well said
KNowing youtube comments, and especially the state of the current society we live in, I did not have high hopes.
I have to say I am very pleasantly surprised by the amount of critical thinking, intellect and class displayed by the comments to this video. One of the few times my faith in humanity gets restored a bit.
Me too
I tried to be into this but i just can't, the thing that makes a relationship last is loyalty and it it only gets better the deeper you are connected with your partner. Being a women that definitely used to be "ok" with casual sex, I now (looking back) realize it was out of such attempt to grasp something good, something extremely fleeting. Or I would have to break someones heart who was very into me after a one night stand.Humans are incredibly emotional beings, we are not just emotional/ sexual beings. I don't have a single friend that didn't feel at least a bit hurt after never hearing back from a "fuck buddy". Sex is extremely intimate and vulnerable, and due to the seriously consumer based emotionally rejected society we live in today, people fucking seek that intimacy. People should be given affection, hugs, kisses, snuggles, affirmation from friends and family. You should always feel that whom ever you're fucking is a worthy person who appreciates you. Casual sex is totally cool, but I don't think it is a notion to be necessarily encouraged, we should look at the underlying need for sex, why that affirmation is essential
Thank you 😊
It is easy to care for one or two, but it will not be easy to care for ten or twenty.haha
It’s not cool at all lol
Very well written comment
It's a sacred energy, it can create a life. People tend to forget that.
So true, because we are God's (men/women), we are not animal's because animal's are less intelligent/adaptable/creative, etc. than us. We can duplicate another human being that is intelligent that can defy laws of physics of space, time and matter to an extent🧠.
Actually no. It's a bunch of DNA in a cell with self-propulsion (male) or without self-propulsion (female). BTW they use the same energy all your other cells use: ATP (Adenosine Tri Phosphate).
This doesn't mean creating babies isn't a great thing, it truly is. I just have to object to this dangerous ignorance of known facts and this mystification.
@@thomaskositzki9424 and my guess is , they were not talking abt ATP or any form of physical energy
@@thomaskositzki9424 you the type of guy to say thank science instead of thank god
@@thomaskositzki9424 Did you pat yourself on the back after totally owning some guy in RUclips comments?
I just want to say that although I am not bashing casual sex, this TEDx talk was terrible and its arguments in no way helped me agree with the idea of casual sex more
I'm loving the comments section!
CAN WE ALL BE FRIENDS PLEASE?
Hard pass.
Every tedx talk can't be taken seriously
The act of physically opening up yourself to a stranger and the repercussions short and long term were not discussed enough.
Like being murdered (esp. if you're a woman) for a start 😅 there have been many incidences ... 😶🌫️
I can tell 100% sure I would never start a family with a woman like this
She's going to be bragging about her PhD at holiday parties into her 40s and nobody will care......
I can already smell the cat litter.....
Hahaha!
@Frederica Bimble Wtf is wrong with you? what made you think he is misogynist and "paedophile"? Go seek help
She would be telling you about her awesome hookups in high school and college. 😂
Always love Ted Talks, but this was terrible advice. Casual sex is bad for you, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and often physically. So I guess I'm a closed minded old man. Do what you want, but I'm teaching my grandchildren better than this.
Rod Pruitt I agree we human live on hormones men or women , the two system Central nervous system and autonomic nervous system ,these two systems works refectory in coordination if we keep on changing our partners it effect our emotions and drive depression and anxiety .consistency and devotion in s relationship is what keep us sane it prevents the plague of emotional trauma .
This is absolutely sad to hear someone spreading these lies I agree with Rod. This woman doesn't know God.
I'm a Muslim, and I agree with you on this one! She definitely doesn't know God
He doesn't exist.. It's a fallacy created by man..
You're*
I married the love of my life, now married for 5 years, 11 years in a relationship. We were each other's first. And we are 27 and 30 years old now. We have a 2 year old. Still madly in love with each other, and happy.
He comes from a religious family, so he was not allowed to have relationships because they are from a conservative culture.
I, on the other hand, wasn't interested in boys for a long time. Couldn't find someone to have a serious relationship with.
We had been friends for years, and he became my best friend. When his parents started looking for a marriage prospect for him, my heart sank. Confessed I can't live without him, and...rest is history.
The fact that we were best friends for such a long time helped us cement our relationship and our marriage is built on that strong foundation.
That's our experience. Then again, might not be for everyone.
blessed...
He was muslim I guess
Beautiful love story. Thanks for sharing, inspiring. :) I'm guessing he is or was Mormon. That's how I was raised except I was like you, not interested in anyone for a while.
Haha Muslim or mormon. Hilarious 😂
beautiful! God bless you with more kids, He sure seems to be willing to send them if we are willing to receive them they are the best payoff we have 14 not one to spare they are all fantastic 9 girls 5 boys
“Have a rotation of partners in order to prevent yourself from getting emotionally attached...”
Wow.... sleep around rather than make sure you aren’t insecure and codependent... “works well..”
Why do you think having multiple partners makes someone insecure or codependent?
@@sylvia5400 not what he said. He said being emotionally attached is potentially a sign of being insecure and codependent. Rather than working on that, she basically advocated for multiple partners.
@@christophermclaughlin5650 She presented multiple possible ways to address the problem. It doesn't mean that she thinks that this specific way (having a rotation of partners) is appropriate for every case of someone having a tendency to get too attached. OP is just biased and attacking a strawman.
You can still get attached with multiple partners cos there's usually one person you like more
Each partners takes a part of you away. Piece of your heart. If you have any empathy. It’s going against our nature to bond .
Casual sex is a moral choice. If you were raised believing you only get married once and live happily ever afterward, you would likely feel physically sick after casual sex instead of all the supposed benefits it offers, with feeling sick ranging from "it doesn't feel quite right" to nauseated. You feel sick, you don't do it again. You feel pleasure, you would want to repeat. It's simple. Respect.
Yes, it is a choice. But the brunt of the consequences are bared by society: Single parent households which lead to the degrading of communities, STDs, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, damages to the soul, psyche, conscience, medical costs to society, etc...
and even we cant even let our loved ones touched by a stranger forget about knowing their illicit relation.. this research is utter nonsense.
Amen. People just can't get their heads out of their patterns projected by their parents and society and actually think and try.
@@antonavy Try what?
NAW FACTS
I agree with Abbie Roberts (below). As a male, I never found any allure whatever at the idea of touching or being touched by someone to whom I did not feel really connected or where some sort of commitment did not exist. The guys I know who try to notch their belts with ‘conquests’ are, of course, living an illusion or two. They’re not ‘connquering’ anyone by simply being glib-tongued narcissists or better manipulators than the guy who’s not in the pick-up bar. Being with another in an intimate sense means making myself vulnerable to her, open to her, and I would not do this with just anyone, anytime. It’s also not wanting the rampant microbial ‘bonuses’ of such encounters. Also, intimacy is like currency. For people who are not careful and monogamous, they are creating intimacy inflation and their encounters become banal, rather than what I think they can and should be, the joining of the sacred feminine with the sacred masculine in a safe and mutually life-affirming space as an expression of something far beyond rutting.
Finding one positive comment here is literary like finding a needle in a haystack
30mins of going down on this thread, still nothing!! imma stop here ha.
Too many Christian trolls.
it tells you how much people disagree with what is being said in the video.
@@nickp9994 too many US prudes.
She is expressing her opinion and people are expressing theirs..
Why do you want everyone to agree with you?
Isn't it what you accuse people of?
Practice does make perfect, but you can find the one person you can practice the rest of your life with, if you’re lucky.
"I sleep around a lot and must use mental gymnastics to make women ruin their chances at stability like me" sleeping around is temporary happiness, thinking of the future is permanent. Regardless of what the clown on this stage says
Think totally resistant gonorrhea, human papilloma virus potentially causing cancer, syphilis, hepatitis B & C, etc.
The cost of treatment for a course for Hep C alone is $85,000.00. Think carefully.
Super gonnaherpaids
Get vaccinated for hep c
It always amazes how academic studies with all their data and charts make so many assumptions and ignore some relevant factors that the conclusions are heavily biased.
One example- let's say you have one person (male or female) who has a desire (not a need) for sexual variety, but he/she doesn't know how the other person is going to be left after the deed is done. Why don't they? Because, by definition, a hookup is a sexual encounter with someone you don't know! This speaker's assumption is that seeking out hookups is fine for the right pairing, but how can you possibly assess that, if one entire 1/2 of the pair is completely unknown to you?! That's one.
Secondly, this women's endorsement of casual hookups makes an essential assumption that *your* experience is what matters. The other person is responsible for their own feelings. Now, unless you literally walk up to someone in a bar and ask how- before anything else- how good are you at dealing with the aftermath of a hookup (which I highly suspect is not the way that these things come together), you may be entirely unaware that the other gets very attached to their partner during sex (which is actually the way the brain is wired), and they might be in rough shape for a some time afterward. But, according to this so-called expert, this is not your worry. Your job, if that's what you want, is to worry about your ecstasy, your pleasure and the realization of your fantasies. That is entirely me-oriented, and people with that makeup are some of the best at not meeting the other's needs, because a. They've never asked and b. They're not even thinking about that. They're focused on *their* experience.
And, the worst part of this talk is that she talks about casual sex as mainly about the anonymity of a new penis meeting a new vagina. As I would hope, everyone knows that men are not penises, and women are not vaginas. Yes, they have those parts, but they are also deeply connected to a vast and complex personality. So, while you are out there hunting for the next potential hookup, and you may have a history of just walking away with no strings attached- there could be something about the other person this time that causes you to bond emotionally with the other, much to your surprise. And, even more to your surprise, you get your heart broken by someone who is more skilled at not looking back then you are!
You nailed it man.
The part I could get from her was - She was actually trying to validate her own beliefs.
I mean she is a sex researcher- that suggests something to me right there. Who wants to research about sex? Everybody! But, very few are actually doing it. So, I am guessing she is loose as a goose, but has been criticized for it, and she's trying to prove, as you said, that she's right.
She does mention that you need two people who want no strings attached for this to work. Everybody thinks beforehand that they are totally cool with it. But, afterwards, many of those same people who thought they could handle it, no problem are plagued with feelings of confusion, attachment, jealousy and anger (when they see your partner for that night) out with other people. I am totally monogamous. I cannot tolerate competition, and my experience with the women I meet is that they are not too keen with it either.
I tried to like this More than once . Well said
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
@Scott
Sadness seems to become their addiction, addiction to what they could have had but never will, but constantly seek
Abundance of choice makes you reluctant to actually make one. Loneliness is the only consequence. Only commitment brings true value, genuine connection and real satisfaction.
I disagree with this on so many levels... her ideologies perpetuate the lack of commitment, shallow sex culture, and emotional turmoil that we already see so prominent in society. There's a reason why a majority of the people hooking up, get themselves drunk before they do so. I applaud her courage and her well put-together argument but this is a dangerous perspective.
Plenty of turmoil exists in relationships including marriage. Intimacy and commitment only makes abuse more difficult because having feelings for someone makes a person less objective about toxic behavior.
The arguments are fallacious anyways so I am unsure as to what there is to applaud, lol.
@@KernelHughes That doesn't disprove the above points. Not the same kinds of turmoil necessarily exist in 'hook-ups' as marrital or non-marrital relationships.
@@mjesns77backed by what research? She doesn’t mention any of the sources she gets her “research” from.
Just watched this after a TED talk on Sex Addiction that rips people personal lives and families apart. The two talks don't seem very compatible.
Probably because they're not even comparable.
Addiction is a whole different topic. You can get addicted to anything you do regularly. And also a vast majority of people who become addicts to something, quit.
Tedx is having an arguement right now. Mommies wanting to do what mommy wants and daddy just dont care no more
@@ggrthemostgodless8713 No, that's not hooking up. A few years isn't temporary. The mental gymnastics you're employing are really quite impressive.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398
Of course you'd say that, if the theme doest agree with your lifestyle, it is "mental gymnastics" it can be no other way.
"...Some people are luckier, their brains are wired in a way, that they don't get attached very easily..." WTF she just said...
Some people are incable of being attached to someone else,,,
Brave New World
@@4GeRLvX So true, attachement is what makes us human !
@@World_bybike Dude, if not getting attached to semeone so easily is being luckier, then Soma is the way of the future, I rather stay being an oldschool savage.
@@4GeRLvX your words truly make sense. Some people just can't point out these errors that are way too obvious coz they are always trying to challenge the basics and they loose common sense. It is a sickness that in the name of progression, we think that all the things our ancestors did were baseless.
Love and lust are different. Love= intimacy, security, vulnerability. Lust= adventure, novelty, excitement. Really difficult to feel both with the same person in the long run.
Hmm. Do you not think there is a reason why Lust and Love are coupled together? It’s so that you can add them together to have an amazing relationship.
Love without lust is so boring and dulls relationships.
Lust without love feels empty, self-serving, and short-lived.
Lust intertwined with love creates bursts with colours of mutual satisfaction, creativity, and endless adventure.
Yes, true. It's difficult. Some people can mix the two
@@gingerl6573 its only difficult if you have an addiction to novelty.
How cheap you are , guess you do this with your partner 😂😂
Can u please explain the term "Vulnerability' in this context because i have had heard and came came across this term but couldn't find the real essence of it.
I'm just pleasantly surprised that after scrolling down miles of comments, just about everyone knows this video is bull. Proud of y'all.
Probably a bunch of low life conservatives!
Or people that didn't get laid enough lol.
Yeah, it's bull... Just look at those charts 😂
Um no it’s not!
Oooh we have a lot of manwhores here.
0:06 Hey Dr. Vrangalova, thanks for clarifying why our country is now one of the top countries for STDs just in the first seconds of this talk. Thanks for saying its ok to live in a "Hollywood fantasy" world where we don't have disease and human life is just a "thrill". I learned a lot from this TED Talk :)
The US is unique in observing a resergence of siphililis.
Too bad people don’t take stds as seriously as they take covid😂😂😂
That's false. The US isn't even in the Top 10 for STIs.
Source: WisevoterWisevoter
# Country STD Rate
1 South Africa 37.3K
2 Botswana 34.1K
3 Lesotho 32.5K
4 Bermuda 32.4K
5 Brazil 31.7K
6 Gabon 31.5K
7 Barbados 31K
8 Puerto Rico 30.9K
9 Eswatini 30.9K
10 Cuba 30.8K
@@RistoPalmeriyeah right... plus, the most promiscuous contries in the world are also relatively very low in that classification for STD rates... so maybe things are more complex
I have a buddy who used "hooking up" to medicate his feelings of depression. Let me tell you, it did not help at all. He's been in a long term relationship for over a year now and I've never seen him more happy. I have another friend who says he prefers hooking up and absolutely doesn't want a long term relationship, yet he is always saying how much he wants what I have (been with the same girl for 10 years now)
I've met people that absolutely fit right in with just hooking up casually, but they are a rare minority. It' just seems that a lot of people that do it have negative feelings about it, even when they say it's what they want.
I met some people that hookups fit with them perfectly, basically because they were whores, however, after talking to them on a deeper level. None of them were ever totally with their lifestyle. There's a lot to be said about that.
If someone is emotionally weak they won’t be able to handle hookups.
Here’s one. Your child grows up seeing mommies revolving bedroom door, and never learns to develop healthy relationships with the opposite gender, because they learn to see the others as disposable.
Yeah, when your siblings all have different daddies . . . not a healthy thing to watch.
@@freddyfriesen UNLESS it's a Polygynous relationship
That's how it is these days. Every one is always looking for the next best thing and can replace someone in the blink of an eye especially women. They have endless options thanks to social media and online dating.
@@Pma686 Damn your response is exactly what I was about to comment lol
@@jiraiyakurokaze4437 Especially then more so.
The more you go casual the more you become casual for others, Haram. Have patience and be special for someone.
I couldnt agree more
@@くみ-i5s2l Thanks for agreeing atleast that, rest Allah will help you
true, but the more you become formal/serious to others the more you will lose yourself into them.
@@yoelbacteria Lose yourself?
The comment section answers the question for those watching. The answer is there is a good set of powerful and life changing reasons why the stigma has existed since the beginning of the institution of marriage.
It depends on your personality and what you can handle imo. Some people like it and some don't.
Exactly
Best comment on this topic
Glad someone saw it impartially.
The "sex leads to love" is THE reason i dont do casual. I get attached easily and HARD.
And THANK YOU for mentioning non-manogamy.
Same here
Yeah, that's a really good reason to be careful and get to know people first.
Absolutely me too it never works I always say I'm going to be casual but I fall for the person. The sad thing is they do not Fall for me and I end up alone Again
Me too
The comment section makes more sense to me, matured audience, thanks for your valuable comments
I must admit I am pleasantly surprised with the top-rated comments to this video, people. Way to not fall for something that sounds pleasant just because it's packaged as science.
Lol, so we agree with most things that are scientific but aren't fully proven, but we disagree with this one? Just cause we're opposed?
Very true
Why? Because it's not pleasant to you? The video mentions that every situation depends on everyone's own life situation. Are you saying that's wrong? If so, what gives you the right to dictate what's wrong and right for eveyone else?
@@kenbrunet6120 please leave your self-righteousness behind the keyboard.
@@DairangerSentai7 Im confused. Did you think I was talking to you? Unless I misunderstand your reply to the OP. We're on the same page.
I think she needs more help, than helping others.
lol
Why do you say that?
@@richlaue Coz It's short term....I don't know if all American women are like this...if this makes them happy then fine..but I am an Asian woman...and all I want is to feel loved, have kids, basically have a family.... that's what would make me happy.......
I think hook up culture is not for those who have emotions
@@miliaurora1038 i was asking simple to hear of why they have their opinion.
@Dragostea Din Tei love rhis comment
I think most of the " moral " and " existential " problems we're facing in our time are mainly due to one thing, intra-psychic conflicts, and this can be attributed to the complications introduced by mass media and information influx, from a young age we are bombarded with so much " information " and " possibilities" that instead of building a healthy and stable identity we only manage to make a crude one which is easily tossed and swayed and even dismantled as we interact with this turbulent world, the best way to cripple a man is to attack his identity and unfortunately a healthy self identity is something that modern days environment does not support
Junk food is bad because it lacks nutrition and is therefore unfulfilling. Once eating junk food becomes a habbit, transitioning to healthy food becomes extremely difficult.
Junk relationships are bad because they lack intimacy and are likewise unfullfilling. Once junk relations are a habbit, transitioning to healthy relationships becomes extremely difficult.
Well put
I never watched the video. It couldn't load on my phone despite the high speed Internet, yet I was able to learn so much from the comment section. Thanks to everyone who made a comment and for those that believed in real love 💕 , connection and a lasting relationship, you made my day.
casual sex is not healthy.....you pick up too much baggage man
In my experience, im not really picking up baggage, im just emptyin my sack
-
That sounded funnier in my head. As text it sounds creepy lol
Britnee Prescod if you picked up baggage then it wasn’t casual, no?
सेक्सविद्रो
सेम
सेक्सविडिओ
@@pollutedmindmusic lmfao
Promiscuity lowers peoples ability to pair bond.
and it's way moreso for women
Exactly
Most women don't know how to pair bond.
Agreed. I recommend women to STOP dating, and START preparing for the right guy.
Girls of High Value that’s just ideological...... with almost half the population being women how would you be able to convince every women to submit to that belief?
Our society is in trouble....if this is what is being taught at a "good school".
Indeed. Discovering truths that contradict core values of many people does put society in trouble.
I hate it personally. It makes you feel dead inside. I'd much rather be with someone who I know cares for me.
You feel defeated and exhausted huh??
"Promiscuous people have more friends"
Yes that's completely obvious. It's because social competence is instrumental to both. People who can't make many friends typically have trouble finding a hookup.
Yeeees kkkkk
Spot on
Lol, women like to look at their reflections, not self reflection!
Lay off the KS/Fresh and Fit, bubba - there are gems of truth in their content, but it not worth the hatred towards women in sub-consciously instill in you
Are they real friends? And what a massive assumption to make. Maybe some people just don't want hookups.
It's sad that people are rationalizing things which are clearly wrong. Especially when the negative effects are intangible, merely psychological and spiritual.
@@World_bybike Exactly!
@@World_bybike Why do you treat others thoughts and cultures’ ideas as prejudices while you want your fantasised-based actions to be seriously thought about or at least deserve thinking about more than others?!! At least be fair and objective not judging and blame others for their judgments. Tell me what your society will be doing in 100 years of hooking up and breaking rules of healthy family, I guess this is a way to question issues not to judge!
@@World_bybike You mean the women's head dressing?
Even though the word prejudice had been heavily misappropriated, no matter how you meant your statement
The fact that the human brain is still developing in the late teens and early twenties is reflected in the sense of invincibility that often fuels hookups among young people - "It can't happen to me". HPV and herpes aren't fully preventable by the use of condoms, are incurable and, when undiagnosed, can be unknowingly spread out to hundreds and potentially thousands of other people, particularly in hookup culture. The minimization of what it means to bring unwanted children into the world and how that often affects *their* sexuality and sexual choices in the future is irresponsible. It's also worth noting that despite her comment about having stories to tell to "people in homes for the elderly", many elders are also still sexually active. This woman likes to sound clever but her assertions lack context and are therefore misleading.
AMEN TO THAT!!
Yep if you want to destroy your life span then sleeping around will do it.
To spare yourself a lot of emotional pain, see if the two of you actually have a connection, and get to know each other for a good while, before you decide to bone.
I don't care that she has a Ph.D, this is really awful advice for young people.
As a researcher she looks at statistical facts, that´s not necessarily the truth.
What's wrong with what she said?
She is giving you two options you can do it or not. It's your choice. Maybe you didn't see the hole video or maybe you weren't aible to understand it. That's a shame
Shes not looking at anything except mr 666, rene!!!!!!!
By the looks of her tattoo.......
There's also nothing wrong with going with natural instincts of wanting to be with and stay and yearning for a monogamous relationship. Just sayin'.....these TED talks are leading me to think it's wrong to feel this way.
This is done on purpose
Did you guys watched the entire video?
actually, this is TEDx, it's a little different apparently, they get a license and need to follow a few points, but otherwise they are independent
I assumed there would be both pros and cons. The one thing that always concerned me was the emotional connection. It seems to me that people do their very best to avoid any feelings or connection because they don't plan on seeing the person anymore. I feel like over time this trains people to be emotionally blunted, selfish, and uncompassionate. The mind is a very plastic thing, if you work on something long enough you will eventually succeed. But hook ups don't neccesarily have to be this way. Just because you may never see this person again doesn't mean you can't connect with then emotionally. This is just something I've noticed with people that hook up a lot, I know it's all anecdotes. Just a thought.
She forgot to mention that women who sleep around end up with high divorce rates
What about men??? Stop judging women!!!
Silvia Mendes I agree with you. If men kept it in their pants, all women would be virgins once they commit to their longterm committed partner.
It is men that have led women towards the hook up culture, and it’s tragic effects. It will be solved though.
Girls of High Value no it won’t..... it’s human nature to sleep around, humans we just used the cloaks of religious beliefs and societal norms to control people’s actions, the millennial and Gen X generations just don’t care for restrictions set by older generations who in fact have the highest divorce rates set their because of old school values. Basically having their parents pressure them into marriage in their 20s..... no matter what humans we’ll be miserable not matter what options they make.
K dot AfroClan not exactly a “glass half full” comment this one. I understand where you are coming from, but the divorce rates don’t come from marrying early - they come largely from sleeping around in your teens and 20’s and 30’s.
However - as you might have noticed - monogamy only creates dysfunctional families. 3 girls in love is a new form of family structure that gives hope to men and women alike.
I got married when I was 23 by the way. Strong marriage.
@@smendes2004 judging? It's pointing out a fact
"Make your casual sex partner care about your pleasure". Ummm. How does this mess with the fact that, by her own admission, the "adventurous" casual sex partner would have to care about you as a PERSON, in order to care about your needs?
Thanks for pointing out that if people have to self medicate with drugs and alcohol, they shouldn't be hooking up at all.
And those people who don't naturally have a chemical or brain bond with their sexual partner...what. mental health diagnosis would they often receive?...
by reading the comments on this video, thank God what I felt is felt by most people coming here. Maybe high I Q people don't prefer casual sex.
Exactly🙌
Don't flatter yourself
I choose not to have casual sex, because of STI risks.
+alfred notting That's pretty much the only thing that makes me feel uneasy about having casual sex. Otherwise I know I wouldn't be affected emotionally or anything.
I agree 100%, but casual sex would get boring after a while as well.
+Micke B No. hope you feel better about yourself now that you TRIED to put that out there.
+alfred notting There's also the pregnancy risk.
mi channnal I meant that I'm not prone to emotional attachment, and therefore wouldn't be hurt much by the separation that follows casual sexual encounters, or the emotional detachment that normally characterizes them.
I don't sleep with girls I don't like, or for whom I only have a superficial physical attraction.
I had been hooking up with whoever I could bump into and I always felt emotionally drained apart from physical pleasure (which lasts very short)
And what is your conclusion on this issue?
Why?
@@Mustafa_Naqvi5 Because in the end you feel like an object that was just used if you don't have it with love and that causes emotional damage to both partners
If you could go back and tooken a different route, would you
Takes courage to admit
Talk about the elephant in the room! Her choice, to ignore the connection between sex and the birth of a HUMAN BEING who is in need of love and nurture, reveals a selfish and narcissistic approach to sex that is all to common now and helps to expand the ever increasing "Culture of Death."
Furthermore, In terms of the emotional component of sex, it becomes a chicken or egg question. That is to say that if one has had casual sex enough times, and I suspect this woman has, they become emotionally callous to (or at least great self-deniers of) the negative emotional impact it often has on both parties.
Everything she’s talking about sounds like a weak rationalization to do what she wants to do while dressing it up to look like objectivity and self-actualization
It's funny that she throws in unwanted pregnancy and STDs like its nothing.
Typical tart
Children of Satan
@Sirius Stark Al Ghul
Why are you triggered? 🤔
Someone typically ends up WAY MORE INVESTED THAN THE OTHER. Even when both say it's just casual.
The fallacy that marriages are ALWAYS happy. It's just not for everyone.
True. But thats not the primary concern in the comments. The issue is that there are many people who want to enjoy hook up culture but want none of the negative consequences.
In this instant gratification society, a lot of people are so impetuous. They misinterpret freedom and do many things without morality.
Or maybe you're not 'qualified' as a long term partner for some reason and have no option...?
Why would one not qualify for long-term partner status with another?
What makes you think that they don't have their own morality? :)
Better/different education is needed, like other areas many good people are dragged though mud...in teaching one size does not fit all.....life is short right, hence even the timing of teaching is critically,,,different,,,let alone the crazy atmospheres out there.
If you start trying to claim individuals can have their own "morality", then morality ceases to exist. If we can all decide what is right and wrong then whether something is right or wrong doesn't matter and you have no moral code. So no, you can't have their own morality, society mutually develops moral codes over time to establish a collective set of values.
Amazed to see how blind people draw the wrong conclusions because they would like reality to be different. This is not science, more like dreaming.
Flicked through the comments and my faith in humanity was restored! 😇 Seems like largely those that can healthily and happily 'hook up' no longer really want to, and those that do look for that are feeding a selfish hole? Thoughts??? 1 lv
Those selfish holes are gonna end up pre-smoked and fermented.
This woman is the type of person who gets credit for destroying our society.
Hookup culture teaches people how to disconnect. Teaches them how to not feel anything for people, even when you dump them. You drop people quicker and more often for more slightly innocuous reasons each time. I know a woman who is 41 and hasn't had kids or been married, she goes on 1-3 dates a day looking for the 'one' but won't let people past date 1 99% of the time, and will drop them over them not replying for more than 3 hours. She sleeps with guys after x amount of hours (even if its 1 date but like 6 hrs long). She's nuts
pleasure is temporary regret is permanent......this research is shallow.....single and married are included in one group .IT is not scientific
No regret is permanent, believe me. Unless you have ruined your health, or caused real harm to your loved ones.
regret is living in the past. even if you live a life save from errors, age will change your body and you will change the way you live from day to day to reflect that. Its mentally healthy to leave your regrets behind, and to move forward in life.
She propbably was bias
@@albertgaspar627 It's also guilt, shame, heck even remorse and opposite of
satisfaction, happiness, gladness so regardless of what you are talking about at the end of the day regret helps us BE better.
@@ArcanumOverseer i would argue that regret alone doesn't make us better--its what we do with the regret. some will wallow in regret, some will learn, some only regret getting caught doing what they wanted to do. Regret has to begin a positive reaction to it.
The graph she showed clearly shows women have more negative emotions post hookup, but she goes on to lie to the audience anyway. No shame at all
Not to mention, it doesn't mention if its from 1 hook up to 25 hook ups to show the emotional level of a positive or negative view of the graph.
Something wrong with hee brain
Also men are more emotionally closed on average
90% of female pornstars addicted to drugs because it makes them forget how empty their existence is.
@@hannibaleldestripador9496 Do you have any links on that? The concept is definitely plausible, I'm just wondering about the percentage.
It's odd how people rationalize self destructive behavior
This lady is proof is that more education does not equate to higher intelligence. In fact from my experience with various people I interact with on daily basis, my above statement holds true. Highly educated people tend to be chronically deficient in various important aspects of thier lives.
Crystallised and fluid intelligence are not the same yup
ending up pregnant from a casual encounter aint gonna enrich your life!
A girl who had many many pertners, disociates soul mind and spirit. Fragment her counciousness and becomes disabled to pair bond with a man who wasn't in this pleasure rollercoaster of hook up culture. Happened to me.
Same for men. My husband is a mess from all his years of hooking up. I don't think he could truly bond to anyone if he tried. He wants a healthy relationship and marriage but his mind is so fragmented he doesn't know how to do it.
@@jennietaylor5063 I hope it works out for you though
Jennie Taylor did the relationship work out?
@@nosepass1939 😂 Possibly. Some do. I know plenty who didn't also. Guess for me it was going up in a family where all the men were like that. My mother was murdered when I was young so I may have missed out on valuable female advice. I've learned too much the hard way. Never to late to develop a new way of thinking
Doesn't sound too dangerous since only one of those three things exist.