16 SCAPEGOAT SIGNS: Are You In the FAMILY SCAPEGOAT Role?
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- Опубликовано: 23 июн 2023
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Signs You're the Family Scapegoat: Scapegoat Trauma expert and Family Systems expert and researcher Rebecca C. Mandeville shares 16 experiences common to scapegoated family members, as revealed by her clinical work with adult survivors and her qualitative research on what she named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA (this particular survey had over 1000 respondents). Rebecca also demonstrates how such experiences feed and fuel the damaging and false 'scapegoat narrative' that gets attached to the adult survivor of FSA and that family members are indoctrinated into, which can result in 'scapegoat trauma' (a research-supported term she will be defining in more detail in a future video).
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🔥Trigger Warning: This video discusses child abuse, including sexual abuse. If you feel activated watching this video, turn it off and perhaps return to it at another time or consult a licensed Mental Health professional. Viewer comments may contain descriptions of child abuse and neglect and can also be activating.
Rebecca C. Mandeville is a thought leader and recognized expert in abusive family systems. She is also the author of 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role' and a clinical expert in RUclips's Health Partner Program. You can visit her website at scapegoatrecovery.com.
In need of some self-care? Read my article, 10 Self-Care Tips to Support Scapegoat Recovery: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/202...
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🔴 NEED HELP NOW? Being scapegoating can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencounseling.com/suici... You might also find some appropriate resources here via this site for people struggling with complex trauma symptoms due to personality disordered parenting, etc. outofthefog.website/toolbox-1...
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Copyright 2023 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved
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My therapist lended me her copy, I’m excited to read!
How about calling it, Grandparent-driven parental alienation? or grandparent parental alienation.
I very appreciated your book and looking forward to your next book from all your research.
This will be helpful. All I do is walk into a room where my sister is and she will make a derogatory comment and everyone else will look at me like they are thinking defend yourself. That is just a fraction of what I have had to put up with. And since I have finished college it has only gotten worse. Thank you so much for your books and your work.
@@grogweedwalker well that goes both ways but its not up to the grandparent and yes I think it's sad and unfair when it happens to them.
I finally went no contact 6 years ago with my mother and 3 sisters. I refer to them as The Quadrant. Each 1/4 of the whole. The whole being a swirl of toxic waste, jealousy, and unlimited dysfunction. Yet still I have moments of weakness thinking "I want my mommy". But then realize I never had one and never will. Instead I continue my journey to healing. Everytime I take my bi-polar, c-ptsd, anxiety, depression meds I understand that I barely made it out alive. Literally. Those were dark days.
All completely understandable. Speaking of quadrants, if you missed my recent 2-part video presentation here on scapegoating abuse and 'splitting', you may want to.
I know the feeling 😪
@@craigmcgarry4007 I'm sorry 💔
I was labeled bi-polar wrongly. I was without a doubt deeply depressed at times. But my family took my efforts to defend myself when it was clearly called for as manic. After many years on lithium I found out I was nowhere near the treatment level. So - I was fine without it. My psychiatrist said I did not have bi-polar disorder, however he didn't know anything about Family Scapegoat Abuse or how that might affect my mental health. This is NOT to say there is something wrong with having bi-polar disorder or any mental illness. The problem is my family used it to discredit me which made my actual condition worse.
@MF-my3db I don't actually believe I am bi-polar. I believe C-PTSD for sure. But the rest of my recent issues are due to my father's death and son's death within 5 years. It was, and still is, too much for my psyche to handle...hence the erratic mood swings, depression, anxiety mania...etc. I'll take the lithium and other meds for now because they do help, but my goal is to eventually be med free IF possible. Although that may not ever happen. And I'm okay with that.
It's ironic how the "identified patient" skapegoat is also the one expected to keep the dysfunctional system afloat. Never a shortage of "emergencies". Literally trained to put others first as the only means of gaining self worth and/or avoiding the shame and blame. The real shame hits with the realization that there will never be reciprocity and it was a con into self betrayal. The anger (inward and outward) that comes with it is a heavy burden.
Well said. And, of course, the Empath scapegoat is likely also unknowingly/unconsciously serving as the receptacle of their family’s intergenerational toxic shame.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, and then waking up to all of it feels almost worse. Thank you for your validating work. It's empowering.
"Con into self betrayal" so profoundly true! I've only started accepting and processing that anger in the past couple years. I wasn't able to pinpoint exactly where it started until last year though. I've managed to take the guilt and anger at myself for allowing those things to be done to me off of myself and move them to where they belong. The people who did them. Now I'm working on accepting that amends will never be attempted, and I can live a better life if I move on and leave it behind. The anger is fading.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I believe that, totally. My parents had hard childhoods. And then they took out all their present frustrations out on me on top of it. But I didn't treat my children like they treated me. I broke the chain.
Sure is a process. Great insights, wishing you all the best 🧡
I’m an escape goat
Wonderful reframing. Powerful
Omgggggg Love It !!!
I'm adopting the escape role too !!! ThankYou🤗
It's a long journey with a Powful Ending
She is the ❤ BEST.
I just found her.🎉
Love it, and I am refining my escape goat skills as things roll out..
Awesome I feel so much better after reading that
Yes I relate to everything you said 100%.
I am 68 years of age and feel enormous grief that this is the first time in my life that what happened to me has been described.
Yes, grief - and, I hope (at some point), relief, as when we can name and understand what happened to us, we can then go forward to heal. I have a video on grief you may want to watch; you might also like to buy my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
Carolyn,
It is hard to come to terms with what has happened. I understand your grief. It's shocking, isn't it?
Hear ya! I’m 46 and just recently getting all the twisted crap my mother put me through, figured out. Try to talk to her but she’s so defensive and says I almost killed her!?! And that she wanted to die and that I am never to talk to her like that again! Gaslighting at its finest. Which leaves me with no other choice but to love her from a distance
I'm right there with you! I'm 64 & coming to terms with the effects of my early years.
I grieved longer, harder cried more when my cat & dog died than my dad as my pets were always there for me with unconditional love & acceptance.
that's heartbreaking to reach that age and realize all that's happened due to someone else's behavior. Having this information come out now makes me reflect back and realize at 50 that I was independent at a young age and my own family did so much so I wouldn't be independent. I've been through numerous jobs due to accusations that I would sit there and defend myself and they thought I was lying. Constantly the scapegoat in family, relationships, jobs that it took a major toll that I have cut off all contact for the past 4 months while being handicap due to an employer trying to cause me harm...not to mention people trying to influence me to commit suicide and people telling me that they hope the cops kill me.
I used to cry and insist that I had been adopted because my family was not like me and so mean to me!😢
Same! No way i could possibly belong with my family, and they let me know at every turn how different i was.
I was dreaming I was adopted and better family would come and rescue me
OMG! Same here!!
OMG That’s exactly what I say ! Healing ❤️🩹 in my progress ! From one goat to another hope your heart is healing too
Me too. I use think... " somday my real family will come and take me out of this closet
I meet 17 out of the 16 criteria. My number 17 is: when you finally start healing, and understand what was done to you, and know that you were a scapegoat, and that your childhood was robbed, you feel like a big whiny victim, even as you work through this. There's always that little, mean, voice in the back of your head.
I don’t feel like a whiny victim. I feel sad though. I never understood why I was always willing to help my mom from things like I paid her rent when she was about to be kicked out and homeless. I took her to the ER when she was dizzy and I picked up all her meds and stayed with her all weekend making sure she didn’t fall and I did her laundry so she wouldn’t have to walk down the basement stairs while dizzy etc. I took her grocery shopping every weekend for years and to the bank and numerous Dr appts , Xmas shopping b day shopping , she would call me to do things like hang her shower curtains and pictures and do her paperwork . The list goes on ! I didn’t realize I was an enabler and would just do all that so there wouldn’t be another argument. My mom has never been disabled. There is no reason she didn’t drive . She chooses not to drive and expects me to just drop everything and take her wherever she needs at any time . I finally put my foot down at almost 40 years old after she gave me the silent treatment on my birthday for not planning my own birthday dinner one day before my birthday ( I had told her months before my birthday my plans ). I realize the reason I got the silent treatment on my birthday is bc I said no to her and the only reason she really wanted to go out on my birthday is bc she never gets out of the house bc she refuses to get her license and drive. She refuses to take the bus ( my area has an excellent bus system) and she refuses to use the cities free rides for senior citizens that brings them to grocery shopping and dr appointments free of charge. Tgat is a great service. I gave her the number and she told me she doesn’t want to get in cars with strangers. She uses any excuse to have me or younger sis to do everything for her. It’s a control thing. I have had enough and I haven’t talked to her for 8 months now and my stress has been reduced greatly ! My younger sis is still being her servant and does whatever my mom asks of her from changing light bulbs to driving her all over the city for hours. I am waiting for my sis to get tired of it. I do know my sis said sometimes she ignores moms calls bc she doesn’t feel like driving her someplace tgat day. I’m waiting for my sis to set boundaries like I finally have.
yeah sometimes I feel like I'm just making it all up and that I'm the bad guy.
I want revenge
My revenge is going to be super successful
I'm the scapegoat of my family. It's so painful and lonely to come to terms with the hard truth that everyone you've loved, helped and cherished considers you as garbage. My search for acceptance drove me into the arms of a dangerous cult. The same abuse was continued in the cult for 15 years until I ' woke up ’ during the pandemic. I've cut off my toxic family and evil friends. It's lonely but far more peaceful.
May I ask what kind of cult you were in?
I'm so sorry to read your story. My story has a cult in it too. You've survived such an unimaginable curse.
For so long I’ve said, “I have a naturally guilty conscience.” Recently it’s become obvious that I was the family scapegoat.
Damn, I experience this as well.
Me too.
It kind of feels good to find the understand why I can cry at the drop of a hat over anything
@@MommaOG22 I am the opposite. I cannot cry though feel deep grief and pain. I go 5-10 years without crying. I am stuck inside myself not able to share my feelings. Sadness, grief and broken hearts are not well recieved and there is no comfort offered.
@@donnaatkinson2562 yes
“Feel like your soul is being squeezed in a vise” This, 100%. I relate strongly to at least 15 out of 16.
That's a lot! You might want to check out my book on this form of abuse, Rejected Shamed and Blamed.
Hi Rebecca!
I experienced every single one of these signs throughout my life. Here is another one for your consideration: When a scapegoated family member divorces an abuser, the abuser is believed over the scapegoat and the clear evidence of the abuser’s behavior of abuse and is kept in the ‘family’ while the scapegoat is gaslight and blamed for the abuse suffered, and/or blamed for ‘not leaving sooner’, all while the abuser remains involved with the scapegoat’s family and the scapegoat is blamed, shamed, ridiculed and told that the continuing relationship with the abuser after divorce is ‘for the sake of the children’ when in fact, these people abandoned said children during the divorce conflict. The now adult children who were abandoned by the scapegoat’s family members somehow forgive everyone except the scapegoat! The insidiousness of the scapegoated person’s abusers and things they will say and do to the scapegoat knows no bounds.
I actually wrote an article about this, and this experience you describe is featured in one of my 'Bizarre Realities' (that scapegoats experience) video series here (the video covers are orange). Here's my article - not your exact situation but definitely this showed up in my FSA research: The family supporting ('siding') with the abusive spouse over their (scapegoated) family member. Would you believe I just posted a 'meme' on this on my social media yesterday? You can find it on my newly active Instagram account (you can find me by searching for 'fsaeducation'). www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
True for me to the word.
Absolutely true in my case also. My ex husband and my old 78 yo narc mother are still great friends. He is a compulsive gambler who stole rent/grocery/utilty money 14 horrible years. I was never offered a dime of help to leave him or even any kind words of support. This included my dad. 2 brothers and my evil "mother"..
😢
@@forgiven5919 That is absolutely horrible! I hope you have gone no contact with all of them....your narc mother and the ex-husband deserve each other...very sick toxic "people".
I was the family scapegoat in my family of origin. I married a malignant narcissist and he ended up scapegoating me in my marital family and I am currently living through parental alienation. The scapegoat life is exhausting!
It really is. Until one can recognize, and then work to free themselves, from these painful dynamics.
Parents referred to me as having emotional problems, sensitive. Interestingly, I got straight A's in school, very well behaved, no notes at school regarding any problems, emotional issues, etc. In fact, I was highly responsible at both school and at home. I helped care for five younger siblings, I counseled my parents, helping them get along. Labelled gifted at school, involved in many activities. There is nothing wrong with me- but, there is a false belief that pops up in my mind.
This came up often in my original research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). I address this dynamic you describe in a few videos, in fact, as well as my book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
Thank you- i'll check this all out.@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Wow the similarities are incredibly similar! Even the 5 siblings and straight As…I bet u didn’t miss much school either….my parents tell a different start though…they remember it as complete opposite! Lol….I found my old grade slips and was startled to see the truth written right in front of me…missing one day of school because I had to stay home and babysit my youngest siblings who were sick…otherwise I was always in class with all A+…overly shy. Had to see a psychiatrist for many years who knew what was going on but the moment he sided with me to my mother, I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore…my only ally was removed.
Sounds similar to my life. I recall being asked to deliver a speech at the PTA meeting when I was in 6th grade. It was a great honor and I was so excited until my mother refused to attend. She sent my stepfather instead, and I was so disappointed that she didn't come. She also did not attend my college graduation. She didn't like to see me succeed.
My life story….. raised my younger siblings, responsible since I was 8 years old. Molested by my older brother. #Scapegoat #BlackSheep #ChosenOne
Any person who has survived Scapegoating abuse deserves extra respect and Compassion.
In all my years of diligent therapy, not one counselor came close to mentioning The Heartbreaking Role of Scapegoat.
In Truth, the focus (again & again) has been “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” NOT “WHAT’S RIGHT WITH YOU”...especially for having the fortitude and/or good fortune to live through the terrifying injustices.
We’re all miracles, but targets of repetitious HATE who survive are especially MIRACULOUS and ought to be commended with extra KUDOS!!!
Respect, compassion - and social acknowledgement (including within the Mental Health field, the Court system, and Educational systems). Thank you for your comment.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
🦋Je vous en prie!!!🦋
Just learned about this today. In my 70's, still seeking answers...
This is so good to learn but heartbreaking as well.
@@annadonahue4119 Lots of love and a big 🫂 to you
You can make some peace for yourself. Age doesn't matter when one can find peace.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethank you for working on t!!!!❤
At 34 yrs of age I finally understand what my role was as a child with two alcoholic parents. I feel like I was and still am my family scapegoat. My older sister being the golden gold and younger twin sister being the invisible child. I recall in 3rd grade I wrote a small journal entry about he sibling physical abuse I was experiencing. I remember writing how much i wanted to be liked by my siblings, how much it hurt physically and emotionally to be constantly tormented and abused. My mother's reaction to my reveal of this entry was to shame me, blame me and I got in trouble for expressing how I felt. She would always say do you want to be taken away? You can't tell people stuff like that. Your being too sensitive and your lying about how bad it is. I remember in that moment I knew I could.never be honest about how I felt or I'd be abandoned or punished. We spent almost every weekend at my grandparents, anytime I spoke up my mother would threaten to abandon me. I remember on the way home one day from my grandparents she pulled into the local dcf office and made me and my siblings for that matter get out with our luggage and told us if we didnt behave she'd leave us there to be taken. It was so traumatic. So many times I recall her blaming us for her or my dad's emotional issues. It's take me this long to realize I wasn't the one at fault, that there isn't something inherently wrong with me. I'm currently homeless and in a trauma bonded survival ship with a narcissist who also suffers from trauma. I'm trying to work on myself so I can become independent and emotionally secure enough to leave. I have not had contact with anyone in my family in almost a decade. It's very lonely but with these videos I'm slowly getting better. I think. 😅❤
I’ve just watched the home alone movies, 1st and 2nd ones and it’s occurred to me for the first time that Kevin ( Mcauly Caulkin) ‘s character is the prime example of a scapegoat and what they go through with their family over and over again. It’s obvious how much it hurts being around them , how they ruin any good moment he has in his life .in the first one , they all ask if he’s packed to go on a trip over seas , but not one adult has helped him do so .As and eight year old, you’re not equipped to take care of yourself in this way yet he receives no help or guidance by his checked out parents. In the second one , his choir solo is ruined by public bullying from his older brother , Buzz , and yet he is shamed and punished by his family when he refuses to believe the false apology from his brother .it’s viewed as his own fault because he pushed his brother and the entire stage of kids fell over at the concert. No one treats him with any love or respect yet when he refuses that unfair treatment he is punished. His parents are so self absorbed they didn’t even notice 2 x he wasn’t on the car or plane with them. I view this as impossible as a parent even if you have 5 kids. When he finally gets away from them , he misses them and has an idealized view because being alone so young is so painful. He says he’s sorry but he really didn’t do anything wrong. And the cycle starts all over again. It’s also interesting that even though he is the youngest , he’s also the most intelligent and wants what is fair . He’s very capable and brave. It’s reads so different now to me as an adult who recognizes herself as a scapegoat and the same Yo-Yo relationship I have with my family.
I happened to watch Home Alone last Christmas and found myself thinking along a similar path!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Isn’t it amazing !? It’s so different viewing it as an adult !
Wow! Excellent examples
IMO one of the worst things Narcissistic Parents (NPs) do to their children and especially to Scapegoats (SG), is that they absolutely ruin everything that makes their children happy. Either by taking over, taking credit for it, or ascribing a negative connotation / association with an event, activity or relationship that would otherwise be pleasurable / self-affirming. For me, one of many was playing the piano. I was skilled and had a passion for it, and took years or lessons; but every time she would listen to me, she just had to critique. It got so that I could not play at all if I knew others were listening, because it made me so anxious that I made mistakes and fumbled it all up.
When I was in college, there were these little rooms with just a piano in them. I used to play for 2-3 hours sometimes without that bad feeling coming over me. When I moved back home afterward (they like to keep their SGs close / monitored), I couldn't do it. I could only play when I believed that nobody could hear me.
I believe in my first 'Bizarre Realities' video I mention a client who is an opera singer; sang for her (N) mom a very difficult aria. Silence for a few moments. Then the mother said, "I could hear you breathing." I mean, what is there to say?
Wow I used to play the piano too, had classes and my teacher said I was talented and should go to the music conservatory. My mom doubt it. My Sister said I got no talent (because she could not play it at all). I used to play and give concerts from 5 years old. The older I got, the more nervous and bad felt. Now I cant do it. When alone, I play it and cry 😢
I begged for piano lessons..but I couldn't have them because I wanted them. They crushed my artistic ability as well. Thanks for commenting. ❤
Thank you Rebecca, this video hit me hard. I moved to FL from NY about 4 years ago to be close to my now 90 yo Dad. Someone who scapegoated me, with my sister. My daughter got engaged 1-1/2 years ago. My Sister threw her a HUGE engagement party, never told me, my daughter did before hand. My Father and his partner ( top of the scapegoating pyramid) were going from FL to NY for the party. They never told me. You would think they would ask me to drive to NY with them ?THIS IS MY DAUGHTER ! I called my sister several times to ‘thank her’ she wouldn’t take the calls.
Me and my kids were always so close, up until that party, now my kids crickets… A few time since, my Father’s partner says to me, ‘your kids hate you now’! I had broken ties with my sister for good, thinking, now she can never hurt me again. I was wrong and I have no idea what happened at that party. I never really grieved them until now. I’m sorry this is so long, and I was very sorry to hear about the loss of your family member.
Wow…I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this, not one bit. I can totally relate to what you experienced as similar things have happened to me and it sucks. It really hurts no matter how much you know that it isn’t you and that the people doing these things to you are literal monsters. You deserve respect as a mother and a human being, especially from those you loved. They do not deserve the privilege of your company.
So sorry. I’ve heard of these situations quite a bit, where the scapegoats own children are pitted against them, usually via money, gifts, and all the other subtle/clever traps set by dysfunctional family. I used to mourn the fact I never had children, that I would at least have that, but knowing my family, they too would have been co-opted into the system. It’s just too powerful, so unfair and unkind. I’m sorry. I hope you find peace and healing through this.
Yes! That's the worst stab in the back when they turn your own children against you. They are abusive, jealous, covetous, bitter, and manipulative, yet you are painted as the bad guy because you will no longer play their sick games. This world is absolutely up-side-down.
I am so sorry you have experienced this. I know in therapy I’ve learned I just have to accept what is and not try to convince anyone of the truth. They are incapable of seeing the dysfunction. One of the terms is JADE. Don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. Just detach from the dysfunctional family and try to have a relationship with your children outside of the rest of them. I have learned in therapy not to discuss any of this with my adult children. The truth always comes out in the end and as I live my best life the truth of the toxic family will reveal itself in time. I believe God uses all of this conflict ultimately for our good even if it doesn’t feel like it at times. He is separating us from the dysfunctional family for a reason.
Lenoremarie that's awful I don't know what you should do about your daughter but please get away immediately from your father n stop interacting with your sister.
Does anyone else think that maybe we are God's chosen ones? The path is narrow and we've all been placed in horrific circumstances having to climb our way free. It feels like the ratio is 90/10 with the 10% being us and 90% being the evil ones... The world is literally full of these hateful creatures. I've suffered and at 55 I still do due to NC. I have so much love to give but was born into the wrong family. But, I'd rather be my empathic self than one of these demons. May God bless you immensely for helping us find our way and for validating the abuse we've endured. 🙏
YES!!! I’ve been thinking the very same thing..here..lately.
Bingo 👍👍👍
❤
Yes, still sucks.
But now, at least, we can suck it up, pick ourselves up, and move into making our world better without the illusion wrapped around us.
Just remember to do it FAR AWAY from the badguys!
Yes I agree with you. ❤
Very good and I bought your book.
My father and mother would tell me that I’m the reason for dad’s anger.
It was never admitted that dad had a bad temper, but it was my fault. I was physically and psychologically abused. I used to wake up Sat am and was scared as what would set dad off today. I felt like I could never be myself and always walking on eggshells.
Thank you, Adam, I hope you find my book on FSA helpful. What a terrible way to wake up on Saturdays. Given I release videos every Saturday, perhaps this will offer a bit of 'repair' experience!
@adamflint2377 😳 I hated Saturday &Sunday Mornings! I never knew what I would do during our “everyone get up and we all clean house Sat Morning before we could go play & Sun church, what I would do to piss him off and he would have a reason to beat me. I started having flashbacks in my 30’s of the sexual abuse.. finally… my mind was telling me why he hated me. I was the only one who knew his secret… and I had no idea until my mind finally let me see the face! He beat me, abused me in every way possible and my mother just sat and watched it. My husband told me that she was jealous of me… I had no idea. They always said things to make me feel ugly. But only I thought I was ugly.. the jealousy reeked havoc… and I had no idea until a non family member had the guts to speak up! Evil cruel and just mean people!
Grieve , have compassion for ourselves every day.Sometime I lax on my healing.
I learned not to gaslight myself, ( now iam conscious when iam doing this), another toxic defense I've learned.
@@catedi3679 I am not sure what you mean… would you explain more please?
I had a stepfather like that. We were always walking on eggshells around him. My mother once had to call the police and the swat team came because he had one of my siblings in the house with him and was threatening people with a gun. After the police left (mom refused to press charges and he was not arrested) I gave my stepfather a piece of my mind and we had words. He then put my little brother in the car and took off driving at a high rate of speed. My mother turned to me and said, "If anything happens to your brother, it's YOUR fault!'" I will never forget that.
#17 Extended family members wonder why you didn't go the wedding, anniversary or birthday party...because no one told me and then played (at the party) I was a no show w/shrugged shoulders when asked why I didn't come. All I ever wanted is inclusion. But I can't attend what I don't know about. Family also tells them they don't have my address when asked to mail invitation. Same address for YEARS.
Yes, that one has come up a few times - I plan to address this in one of the next two FSA surveys I plan to release this year.
Justifying their poor behavior. My dad died. No one was going to tell me. I found it out on FB. My sister finally gained a guilty conscience and called me with the funeral details. Told me she is tired of them excluding me from everything. Update: But didn't change. Things went back to the way they always been.
I thought I was the only one. It's terrible but I feel much less alone hearing this happened with other folks.
My Sister got married and didn't invite me. She told me days before knowing that it would be imposible for me to come cause I live now in Europe and them in Southamerica. Said She married for a Visa and was not important. All my family went to the wedding, with a nice party. Screw them.
That happened to me, nobody told me that there was going to be a huge party for my grandmother's 90th birthday. Full-on band and all the works over 200 people invited but not me. Then I was accused of knowing but refusing to attend. Wtf.
I have been meaning to tell you Rebecca that it is really cool that you turned your family scapegoating experiences into good by studying & becoming a therapist on the subject, which must be healing for you besides assisting/helping so many others with these issues...Thank you for being a bright light!🌄🌠🔥
Thank you!
@whitehorse3828, well said. A yoga teacher once said in a documentary I recently watched, "If you really want to find where your service is, go to your wounds." That's exactly what Dr. Mandeville is doing. We've been so blessed and validated by her research, her writing, and her experience.
@@Yasminescookingshowthat’s lovely- my kids have needed a lot of help due to additional needs- the only thing a therapist could ever come up with was how did you learn to love like that? Then it moved to me being enmeshed with my kids- I was a actually looking for help for them, living with a covertly abusive husband and experiencing all the sibling “stuff” ⬆️ none of it named ever, because the birther was so awful, she made a good story- I repeated etc.
What you say is so validating, also in my own work I work with parents….
I came into my adulthood always in a hurry. If I had to wait or slow down for any reason I'd begin to shake. I spoke quickly. Worked quickly (and probably not very well). It wasn't until I relaxed in my late 50s, early 60s that I realised my nervous system has always been activated.
It can be a shocking realization. As I said in a past video, one can end up wondering if their entire life - including most of their life 'decisions' - was one, long trauma response (!)
This is something I'm coming to grips with right now, after going no contact 2+ months ago. I honestly cannot remember a time where I was relaxed/not on egg shells. I'm so exhausted from being wound up my entire life. Thankfully I'm able to rest as much as I need at the moment, because dropping that bundle has been such a lot :/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusemy goodness how did we all experience this
Rats, I get the shakes when I am late or rushing too. Didn't put it together. Thank you for sharing! Blessings to you.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse. That’s what I realized.my life how I make decisions and then also things I like and dislike like I say I hate shopping but I don’t. I like shopping but alone. My mom and sister would manipulate me to come with them. They’d say that they’ll buy me clothing. And then they wouldn’t. They wouldn’t buy me clothing during high school. I mean they also wanted to poison me and throw me in the river. But it was so mean. They were so so mean and cruel on purpose. Like they enjoyed withholding food and clothing. So I just say I hate shopping. Those types of things I’m realizing that I don’t know who I am. I was. Related as a defence shield lol. Now I don’t thneed this version and it’s hard. Anyways lol.
I just recently figured out I was/am the scapegoat. I'm 41 now, found out like 2 years ago, and more is coming out. My parents told total lies about me to my 2 sisters. For years I thought me and my parents were OK. They acted one way to my face and behind my back were stabbing me. They said horrible things. It was a shock to me, and every day since then, if I think about it, I feel like I have been punched in the chest. Right now, my heart is pounding, I'm sweaty, I feel like I'm going to have diarrhea and vomit simultaneously, I'm shaking, my breathing feels off, sense of impending doom... im a wreck. Every day. I hate it. Thankfully one of my sisters woke up to it and now we have a great relationship. But the other sister believes everything they say and hates me. Wants nothing to do with me. I'm lost
I'm linking you to a list of resources I made for FSA adult survivors. You may also want to read my introductory book on this form of abuse, which I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my original Family Systems research. Many survivors suffer from unrecognized complex trauma (C-PTSD) symptoms. I go over this in detail in my book and on a few videos here on my channel. Resource list here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Get revenge. Your subconscious will pick up on the fact that you are strong enough to fight back instead of the fawn response.
I found out I was the scapegoat in the same way except my ENTIRE family turned on me, which includes 5 siblings, my one living parent and nieces and nephews who have been brainwashed into hating me at a young age. The hardest one for me was losing my younger sister. She was my best friend. She saw what was happening but turned on me anyway. If you need someone to talk to, please let me know. It’s so hard
I need the book where can I get it@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
@@throttlebuff never thought of it that way 🤔
I can say that i have the humanity (as you've put it) to feel sad for missed connections and lost cannections with family members. 😢 How validated i feel 🥲(for someone whose always been blamed for anything that's gone wrong) in the family. 😔 I guess you're right: I always wanted to be part of a loving family, but it wasn't meant to be.
Wow. I can check off pretty much all of these boxes. When I was 30 I told my family we needed family therapy. They said 'why? Nothing was wrong.' I said 'well, when you remember, call me.' I thought to myself 'well, this will take 6 months.' That was 30 yrs ago. I realized that the narrative that they had created to justify their behavior was more important to them than having a relationship with me. It was a very difficult time for me. I realized that for the first time in my life, someone was sticking up for ME. And that someone was me. I went unintentionally no contact, and it was the best thing I ever did. Father died 22 years ago, mom died last month.
Many profound things here in this comment. This sentence here in particular (I call this the 'scapegoat narrative' that the family is invested in promoting and "believing," by the way): "I realized that the narrative that they had created to justify their behavior was more important to them than having a relationship with me."
This was so validating for me, as I relate to every single one of these on some level. The one that spoke to me most is #14, feeling like I cannot be helped or fixed. Despite my constant efforts to educate myself, put in the therapeutic work, and consciously and intentionally implement new ways of being, I saw myself as a never ending project piece. I have a slew of mental health diagnoses such as PTSD, depression, ADHD, ARFID, and more. I was apt to add another to the list if it meant that I could work toward being better. My biggest fear was actually being the person that my biological family conditioned me to believe I was.
Through therapy, I’ve come to realize that it was never about me. It’s affirming to know that this pattern of thought is a symptom of my upbringing.
The more I show up as myself in connection to others, the quieter the voices of my biological family become. Although I still suffer with self doubt, I FEEL like myself now. My own internal experience is the only reassurance my brain needs to completely shut them up.
No contact was the most freeing and empowering act of self love.
This is beautifully written and a true gift for anyone reading it here.Thank you for summarizing your journey in such a powerful and meaningful way. I'm sure many will benefit from it.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseyes.
62 and first ever hearing about this... it's been sad, all this time, I knew it was going on and i know it's messed me up pretty bad but I thought I was the only one... and or crazy.
Yes, so many feel that way. Glad you're here. If this is new to you, you may want to read my introductory book on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
oh this is going to be a teary read, thank you for talking about this.❤
Dr Jay Reid has good videos about the Scapegoat child. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
I have been through all this and now these terrible people have passed their attitudes on to children and grandchildren. It is a sort of "the sins of the father being visited down to the third and fourth generation" by example. "More is caught than taught." If the whole family doesn't like us there must be a reason even if the children and grandchildren don't know what it is, they have been trained to interpret everything the scapegoat does in terms of how others treat us. I have overcome the brain washing I received when I became born-again, Christ taught and trained me, He showed me things that released me from all the lies I was told all my life.
I had a rush of terrible memories from childhood after a sibling told a lie about me to all my family members. At 67, the betrayal was stunning. My two siblings witnessed my physical/emotional abuse from our mother for years..
Had to go no contact and am feeling stronger every day, thanks to your videos and others on yt. THANK YOU!!!
Good to hear you are able to recognize that you were impacted by betrayal trauma. Here's a video I did on this topic you may also want to watch. I also dedicate a chapter to betrayal trauma and family scapegoating in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. ruclips.net/video/0RXlyIFrb7k/видео.html
Thank you for your reply!! It's definitely something I manage every day with help from your insights and expertise! Will check out your recommendations and thank you once again!
It's astounding to me how many of us are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but who don't have it at all. I got that diagnosis years ago, but I never had it. In the 30 years that followed the diagnosis, I did not have any episodes or hospitalisations, nor have I taken medication for the past 20 years. In the end, a good GP told me recently that actually I had sleep deprivation disorder (which can resemble bipolar disorder) caused in my case by compulsive ruminations about an ongoing situation, or triggered ruminations about the past. Short term sleep meds and counceling were his solutions. I'm the queen of ruminations, and since I have just gone no-contact with my four sisters (we were five girls), it's in danger of winding up again. This time I'm ready for it - I watch lots of Scapegoat videos, and I just tell myself, Stop, you can't change or inform them, so let go... It helps, but how much longer does this go on? I felt great at first, but it worries me that they're still present in the memories of hundreds of little injustices over the years with them. This worry that I'm not doing it right may be part of feeling that I, in particular, am not fixable, that i'm not going to get all the way out of this. Or it may be that I'm trying to reassure myself again and again why I left the "sisters." Either way, ruminations are exhausting. Hope it's over soon. The funny thing is I sometimes try to imagine what they're thinking and saying, when in reality, they're probably not even thinking of me or why I left. That's the crazy part. They never cared about me, but I always wanted to be a part of their club. Now, not so much.
Hi Robin, rumination is a primary feature of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), even after ending contact. I made three free affirmation videos you may find helpful - Here's the playlist: ruclips.net/p/PLXSLEoZOeKOGGSKUrpDNC7Fq_uwFCcxwn
63 year old been scapegoat all my life only realised it 15 years ago. Can relate to all 16. Was kicked out of family at 18, and smear campaign began back then to keep me from being believed by anyone. Didn't realise in my 20's this was why l was never invited to family events. Now at 63 have no contact with any family or relatives as no believes me and thinks me to be aggressive and abusive. In last 10 years most contact with family was just not worth the drama and trauma.
Glad you're here. More resources can be found on my website and the menu there at www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
I definitely relate to each and every one. It's scary how long I, and most of us, put up with this. I admire your effort to get the word out. There must be some way to reach people earlier in their lives.
It is something I wonder over myself. Invisible abuse of this kind is very difficult to see from the outside, especially when the child is in such a powerless position and has no frame of reference or ability to describe what is happening to them in their family.
I ask myself the same question. I often think of pushing the idea to places where young people go for information that you CAN walk away from your abusive family, once it's safe to do so, and that you shouldn't wait any longer than necessary. From my earliest days I fantasized about leaving, always taking my toys and me far away, and it wasn't always happy play. I hated my life as a child, but nothing could be done about it. Maybe if we all contribute ideas for doing something to help young scapegoats, we could save a kid's future.
I think what kind of allows us to ignore or have a greater tolerance for this when we are younger like our 20's or 30's is that we have a kind of youthful vitality still in us thinking that we've moved beyond it when we move out. Kind of a false security that we have overcome it. In my case with middle age, I started to wake up and it was like I was among vampires and didn't even know it. But I don't think it's even conscious. In fact, as scapegoats, we may be the only ones who are conscious.
@@THEDUDE912 I had a repeating dream that something awful was happening and I was the only one who could see it. My husband can attest to the no. of times I've woken up screaming. I think you make a really great point that at different ages we experience the abuse differently - different ways of coping, denying, understanding, dealing, and suffering. That would make for really interesting and valuable research.
@@THEDUDE912yes, this feels accurate. Joan Borysenko has written about midlife as a potent time of repressed trauma being unearthed, and hopefully purged. I cannot remember the book title, but I think she was on to something. I had this eruptive experience at 37, and fortunately found Dr. John Bradshaw’s books on family systems, and healing from internalized shame.
I just came across this channel today, and will likely binge her material. Best to you. YOU ARE WORTHY❤.
You succinctly describe our relationship with our mother. Many times I've been confronted by observers, "Sir, you're hiding your light under a bushel!", surprised by my artistic and musical talents. Nothing was ever good enough, and no matter how great my accomplishments, even if I did them for her, Mom reliably embarrassed me, made me look bad, effeminate, crazy, incompetent, ugly, half-assed; and she did this in front of my siblings, who have carried the torch, though none of them have any remarkable abilities. Though I am a successful professional artist, otherwise, this scapegoat is reluctant to ever participate in public events. In our family obscurity was peace, accolades brought war. I finally walked away at 46 years old, realizing Mom spent her energy projecting envy of others, and regret for her own life, onto her own children; and the only solution was to leave.
Good for you for going No Contact. I Send You Love and Light To Warm Your Path~
I remember my mothers mom saying to me "You need to talk about your problems to somebody". Glad I didn't give them too much info about my feelings. That's the boundary we don't cross. Fss's- That is our vulnerability. And now that they're all dead, I can safely say that she was just fishing. After that I tested that. And learned not to say anything. But I could trust her. Right? No. I realized it was just a way to see how much I knew about their craziness. Now I really see how deceptive that whole family was. We had "emotional problems" just because we showed we had feelings and real needs to have them appreciated, seen.they didnt care to see them. You just learn to not tell them by not telling on how screwed up they all truly were. Zombies. Emotional zombies. They had a lot of dirty secrets. Some I dont believe I'll ever know. And I will consider that Anything was possible when it came to a family full of Liars. I am emancipating myself from this adopted family I got stuck into. No no. I don't associate with people who were disassociated from the truth of what really happened. Alcoholism is a horrible traumatic way for a child to be raised. There's no excuse for it and I refuse to take the fall for it now that I figured out the reason for their daughter's self-centered behavior. No no. That had nothing at all to do with who I am. Get to the heart of your family's problem. It was never you. It was their lying about their own shameful asses.😁Watch "Seize the Day". These people are very damaging to their childrens minds and lives. Our mental health takes priority now. It should have always mattered. Its just too bad our parents never realized that. They let it go too long. Not us.
I have just now discovered this channel and it’s perfect timing for me. Thank you
Welcome! Timing is everything...(!)
You're welcome. And I appreciate your recently becoming a member. I'm able to see member comments much more easily, btw, which helps, especially on days when I get hundreds of comments (!)
I would add that, at least in my own experience, the scapegoating can spread to anyone who is supportive of me including my children (the abuser's supposed grandchildren/ beloved nieces and nephews.) I think this is an important manifestation of scapegoat abuse to watch for because often it is easier to see someone else's anguish and be moved to action for the sake of protecting ones' children and loved ones. My family even began to scapegoat my second husband (I say "even" because, having some distance from the family, he's be more likely to see through it) after he said to them, "If Meg's crazy then so am I" when they pushed him to agree I was somehow irrationally insane when there was zero evidence of that and much evidence of their own troubled behavior. (He is known for being rational, respectful, and non-combative and is very successful in a profession which requires these traits. Of course, now he is considered crazy by them despite recently being named one of the top employees in a very large company.) Note that many times they'd tell him, "Meg's so lucky to have you in her life" as if it was a fluke I attracted him. Never ever would he hear, "You are so lucky to have Meg in your life." He's taken to pointing that out himself to a response of complete silence.
It never ceases to amaze me that family members say these things out loud and don't see anything wrong with it. This is why I often say scapegoating does not always happen in secret. Many family members will malign you in front of spouses, friends, and even strangers as they set about trying to inoculate others into the scapegoat narrative.
They have no regard for our professional success and behave in ways that blatantly disrespect and ridicule our accomplishments. They absolutely can not tolerate the thought of anyone other than themselves being of any worth. I know everyone says this is because they have no self-worth. Still, their contemptuous behaviors make life miserable.
@@TYGZus777 Contempt is the right word. I address this in my first 'Bizarre Realities' video, btw.
I'm sure one or more of them have secretly or not-so-secretly added, "You're such a saint for putting up with her." BE VERY WARY of female relatives, they may attempt to seduce him.
Your husband sounds awesome and YOU DESERVE AWESOME ❤️❤️❤️
The only thing that has helped me to heal has been No-Contact from my FOO 10 years ago (although my older brother and I do communicate once in a while via email). As an empath, I do find it difficult to trust others because most of them end up betraying me -- just like my family always has.
For now -- while I'm still on my healing journey -- I have decided not to go out of my way to form relationships because I don't trust most people. So keeping to myself has been my way of life for some time now (although I am very close to my next-door neighbor).
I would love to get a couple of dogs, but I travel abroad every year for a few weeks; so I can't do it. Other than that, I would have to admit that I have a decent life.
For some, that is the only way (going no contact); and how terrible and tragic that any family member is put in this position by their family of origin.
I can relate to your comment. The peace from separating from our FOO is invaluable, but I too struggle with trust and chose to isolate. I have a few friends, but am very cautious in general now. Animals, my pets, have become my solace and my chosen family. I hope you are able to figure something out so you might bring one into your life. It’s good to know we’re not alone in this.
I have a mini farmstead, chickens and goats....always a good reason for somebody (me) to stay at home to care for....get to miss all the snotty, superficial get-togethers...sister-in-law just like my FOO....
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse this comment is so epic for me, I have to copy it down. Strangely, it is almost like I blame myself for the no contact, but you are right, the no contact was only created by their abuse which ,for me, was verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse.
Get the dogs they’re healing !! And a vet you trust that will board them and love them. Or a friend! I would lol!
They’ll survive two weeks a year without you but you can’t know the soul healing pets really give us with this kind of abuse… mine have changed my entire life for the better.
(Or cats- no judgement ;) )
Good to see you Rebecca! You asked if we related to any of your talking points....ARE YOU KIDDING ME??....Every-single-one-of-them! I feel so sorry for the few remaining "fake family" members who still buy into the bullshit (in their warped minds).... It is none of my business what they think of me.....they missed out. Have a beautiful week Rebecca! 🙂
Yes, I guess that was a rather silly question on my part, what was I thinking (ha!) You have a beautiful weekend as well!
Notice, that if you have/ had a problem with an outsider doing something dirty to you, they NEVER side with you! And if a child is being bullied at school, these cruel parents will automatically blame him/her for it without even hearing their child's side of the story! So now they're bullied at home and school. Now that I know that, I keep my dad out of my business. Why tell him anything? He's just going to take the opposite side and bring negativity to the subject at hand. These people will throw you under the bus in a heart beat and are not to be trusted under any circumstances! Sad!😢
It is very sad, indeed. And all too true.
This has been my experience, in my marriage, too. I am going to be thinking about that
So glad you’re back. Hope your dog heals quickly. Yes, when it rains; it pours. 😮.
I’d like to add “anger”, “angry outbursts” and “rage” (reactive abuse?) to your list. I hold down my anger/pain until I just can’t anymore. I hate it.
Thank you.
I agree. For me (who has been diagnosed with BPD but have a lot of these signs so, as she states, I now wonder...), the rage and angry outbursts I often have are the result of feeling like that's the only way they will HEAR me. I'm 52, and I just recently realized that. It doesn't work, so I'm working on controlling it, but it's tough, especially when people activate those triggers of feeling dismissed, unvalued, and unheard.
@@TenaciousSLG They just use your outbursts as "proof" that you are the "problem"....The only one allowed to have tantrums is the head Narc (usually Mommy Dearest).
I was very much scapegoated growing up , de humanized, locked in garage over night at 12 yrs of age , which was the tipping point of becoming a lost soul in life, it's been 4 yrs since I've been on my healing journey now, but I live in a small 16 unit community , now I'm 54 yrs old , history has repeated itself , in the only empath here , all the rest are narcissist, they have tried to scapegoat me here , lol , nope , I am not conform8st , no control over me, don't get into the drama and I live my own peaceful life, it drives these narcissists crazy and cranky 😂 little do they know, I've been around that block before and have been taught to over come rise above and keep on moving forward , the ultimate revenge!!!🎉😂👍✨️✨️✨️✨️🔑🔑🔑
There is certainly some truth in that - a la that old adage, "Success is the best revenge." (!) Not that scapegoating family members will ever acknowledge it. But your living a good life and not being destroyed by FSA is your ultimate gift to yourself.
Every single one of them hit the nail on the head. Didn’t realize how bad it was. I have blamed myself this whole time. Eternally grateful to have found your channel.
I can really relate to almost all of these. I went back to college after I got out of the service and graduated with honors. When I told my mother (untreated alanon) she called me a liar and I felt compelled to send a copy of my diploma
I have always dealt with imposter syndrome. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
I'm so very sorry. This sort of dynamic featured prominently in my original research on what I ended up naming 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). I mention such situations in this video here, in fact: ruclips.net/video/J7oHsRjBHRE/видео.html
The compassion and understanding you have is one of the most comforting I have ever watched. Your description of repetition compulsion is exquisite. "You go to what you know" !
Thank you for letting me know, much appreciated.
There were several scapegoats in my family: my only brother, my brother-in-law, and me. My mither really enjoyed seeing drama she created by pitting ppl against each other. As a result, all of her children are estranged which includes grandchildren. Hateful parents destroy families more than any other socio-economic situation. Only actual war is worse.
Great relief after being born into a family of medical doctors, still I was abused as a scapegoat by my family of doctors
I relate to at least 12. Thank you. I’ve known I’ve been narcissistically abuse/tortured by father, siblings, husband, two children and others my entire life. I just couldn’t understand why I have been surrounded by these people my entire 68 years. It’s only seeing my grandchildren, specially one young grandson being tortured and realizing he’s the scapegoat that I’ve really researched this part of the abuse and finally understood that I, too was the scapegoat child. I can relate with every video I have watched of yours.
Being the scapegoat my entire life, I'm 64, and no contact for 1 year, gives me peace. Had it not been for information I've gleaned from wonderful survivors like yourselves,..thank you.
Peace is everything. Protecting one's nervous system is key to healing.
I’m going through #16 now. My mother told me I’m living in the past. “I never said that” responses. Therefore family thinks I’m the crazy one. Thank you Rebecca
You're welcome, Kristin.
It hurts the more I look into things the more I realize I was the scapegoat and that it’s generational trauma from both families.
I want to connect with a woman I love but at the same time working through my issues was too much because I’m still living with mg bio family working on getting my own place and healing more before reaching out again. I want to be good to her so badly.
This validates my whole life thank you Rebecca
You're welcome!
I've been no contact for over 10 years now.....and it is insight and advice like this that has helped me stay strong and away from further abuse. I had/have TWO parents that were/are full-blown narcissists...and I am forced into a role of scapegoat....just so they can score points off of me socially by their never-ending negative comparisons. I WILL NEVER RETURN to them....and will never allow them to play their sadistic games with me again. I've literally paid for their abuse with blood.
Clarity is a wonderful thing.
As a kid life was shit as an adult I am not included still blamed and if I include them in my life they ruin romantic relationships and involve themselves in any friends life that I may have until I don't have friends.
My father forced me to go to nursing school. He told me I was too lazy to go to university and he wasnt paying for tuition ( or anything else ). Nursing school is free in the UK tho you have to work as a junior nurse throughout the training. When i passed my exams and told my dad he said " thats no great shakes" I had no idea that was a narcissist move...thanks Rebecca.
Last night I saw your video for the first time. After I cried for an hour I ordered your book. I am seventy years old. It is the first "self-help" book I've ever bought. Once, thirty years ago I went for help. The psychiatrist told me that it looks like I was the scapegoat. I got so mad that I left the office. I heard it as "you are a weakling".
So very pleased you found my channel - and that you ordered my book! Take it slow reading it - it is brief but tense and tends to stir a lot of things up. Glad you're here.
It actually means the opposite: "you are the strongest and most mentally healthy" among an otherwise pack of hyenas.
I know what you mean, scapegoat does sound as though you're the family doormat! The one everyone can dump on.
That’s hilarious that you could have been on the path to recovery 30 years ago and blew it. Maybe your family was right and you weren’t a scapegoat.
@@throttlebuff I love it when people reveal who they are. you are a gutless puke who trolls comments to f-ck with people because you have the anonymity of the web. I guarantee you - you don't have the sack to say that to my face.
Rewatching this as you are recovering. Bless you. Your videos have made a difference for me. When I first saw you i decided I had to make an effort. I was seeing no one. I planned to go to a church a distant relative was at. I thought people would be kind and I'd not have to talk much. The first week I cried and shook every day in anxiety, then couldn't do it. The second week I made it. Now 5 months later, I talk to 3 women each week and stay for coffee. A huge step for me.
This is fantastic! What a wonderful message, and thank you for letting me know. I'm hoping you have read my book already but if not, it is meant to help you further down the road of recovery. Keep me posted and keep being open to possibilities!
I would like to add. My family disagrees with every single decision I have made, criticizing it till I feel like I lack intelligence. Every single one.
Your video is spot on. In fact all your points apply to me. I have now healed with the help of spiritual aspect of my life. But, some days I feel such emptiness because there is a whole where a family should be, although I have a very large extended family too. Its like walking alone. Thank you for your videos spreading awareness.
You're welcome. I am guessing you didn't mean to write 'whole' instead of 'hole', but I would agree: There is a WHOLE (YOU) WHOLE (SELF) there in what may feel at times like an empty space "where a family should be". Something for you to further explore, perhaps (!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, I am still exploring. It is a journey isn't it! Thank you for all the knowledge. I feel I am stronger than I was about a decade ago. Will be exploring more of your channel and resources. Again, many thanks 🙏
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. ❤️ Your vulnerability in sharing this is touching. Thank you 🙏.
🙏
Thanks Rebecca. I checked off almost all of these. I left at 19, (to save my life) worked globally, had rare accomplishments that of course were mocked. I single parented FAR away, never asked them for anything nor would they ever offer. I've realized they're very sheltered and extremely shallow. I always regretted picking up the phone or answering texts from them, even if years had passed. It's always the same, re-traumatizing and triggering, with some new painful comment or narrative given to me. They do not change over time.
Change is unlikely in such families if the family system is a narcissistic one. Dysfunctional families can change but it is rare these days for families to attend therapy together, although it does happen.
Also my life's story. It's unbelievable. But we're stronger!❤
In many ways the worst is when non related parties like friends and co workers think you are wrong for cutting the family member abusers out of your life because "but they are your family!"
Salt upon the open wound, indeed...
They've never been walked like a dog
This video was extremely insightful and spot-on. I could identify with all 16 signs and although it’s overwhelming, I finally feel validated at my 55 years. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You're very welcome. Most FSA adult survivors have suffered from not only complex trauma symptoms, but betrayal trauma and traumatic invalidation for years and years. I' have videos on this if you want to do a search for them on my channel home page here. Linking you to my resource list as well: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I experienced ALL of what you mentioned as signs.Thank you for all you do. I wasn't sure if " never being included in family decisions" was mentioned? The " out of sight ,out of mind" type of NON-consideration?
There are many aspects of the FSA phenomenon I did not mention, but that would be one of them. Good idea for a video, thanks!
Deepest condolences so hard to find loyal, real people are thoughts and prayers sorry for your loss 🙏. Welcome back! Hope your enjoying the new look office looks very nice. Thank you for another enlightening video. So crazy to have experience so many abuseive things from one person was horrible and to find out it's everyone in the family is undescribeable. But fortunately you Rebecca have a very Brite light and your awareness is contagious so grateful. I personally witnessed, relate to and experienced almost everything you discuss and grateful I'm understanding and growing through. But unfortunately when you hit this point you can see how this is affecting millions 😔. I'm by no way healed but understanding, awareness, mindfulness, oh and I'm trying to add more and more to my healthy list. Crazy all these families stuck in the box. But when you get out the box you can see what's in it. And nobody wants out! My MY that koolaid is POWERFUL! Thank God for Rebecca 🙏
First time viewer. I dig your sass, Woman, and your conversational approach “ ’Go apologize to your abuser.’ I don’t think so!“
Welcome to my channel! Glad you're here. I think I'm getting 'sassier' as I get older (!)
“Alone on the battlefield, with all the guns pointed at me,”I can really relate to that
The interesting part of this dynamic is when you escape the corral, wait a few years...and then, the assholes in the family start dying off, and the other people in the family try to re-connect, and confirm what they all thought they were alone in seeing, all along. "You're father is a horrible person, and you're NOT crazy."
This can indeed happen - But not often enough, sadly.
Always felt I was wearing a collar and leash with my "family". Sit, stay, and fetch at their command but dare to show I had a mind, opinion or deserved respect. Something rose up in me about 4 years ago and just said enough is enough and ghosted all of them, no answering calls, etc. Never been happier or freer, and have no anger or regrets. I wish them God's best but ALSO God's best for me and it has been.
Thank you Rebecca, I can relate to most of these signs.
It took me over 50 years to realise what was going on.
It's a harsh and heartbreaking reality when all those bad memories start making sense.
I never felt like I belonged, now I know I belong to a global family of scapegoats.
You're welcome. Glad you're here. Linking you to my resource list in case you are seeking additional support at this time: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank goodness I found your channel. It is so comforting to hear what you have to say. My sisters have told me that we cannot have anything to do with each other anymore. They left me about 6 years ago and they have not looked back. They took about 11 extended family with them and friends of theirs plus the places they live that I have no reason to ever visit again. It is like a bus, loaded with my family drove off a cliff. There was no explanation. My children are deeply affected, I was crushed. Still am if I am honest. But your words seem to make this whole thing make more sense. Thank you. I need more of your videos so I will be watching them…
Glad you're here. My book may be helpful for you as well. It is on this resource list I put together: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I’m going to be purchasing your book, I’ve subscribed to your channel and I’m going binge watch all of your videos. Finally someone who actually understands means so much to me. Thank you very much for your videos ❤️❤️❤️
My only child, a daughter has been sucked into this crap and was literally supported after a huge lie she told over her actions. I’m sure it was music to my families ears and it has rolled into a TWO decade isolation from me. I find myself blaming myself for the smallest things not even under my control. It’s been at times an excruciating life.
I’m hoping I’m going to find peace here. Thank you for these videos because when trust is an issue isolation is a small comfort and so having these videos to watch helps when you’re living your life in a safe zone.
God bless and keep you. 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻❤️
Glad you found my channel and got my book. Your story reminds me that this would be a very good video topic: How a child or adult child can use or create a false narrative about a parent to get out of trouble, emboldened by family scapegoating dynamics.
Recently my mother tried to tell me "You never would act like part of this family" and I replied back "I've decided that we're changing our dynamic now, and one of those changes is, you don't get to keep blaming me for all the problems of when I was a child. I was a tiny child. You were the adult. Letting your raging violent drunk boyfriend use me for a punching bag was not how to gain my trust and love. Completely trashing me as a person was not how to make me feel safe and trusting and loved. Your failures as a mother were your fault, not mine. The day you realized you hated being my mother, you should have signed me over to my real dad. I was your tiny helpless child. You were mother who refused to protect her child, and you need to just think about that for a while before we talk again."
I'm not sure when we'll speak again, but I expect it to be a bit akward.
My experience is just like yours. We are so strong 💪. The narcs will never ever be half the person that we are. I just ignore them now & continue on with my mission in this life. ❤
Good for you!!!
Well done. It was a long time coming and must be a relief. It's not going to be easy, but you must protect yourself.
Omg. That's exactly what I would say to my ego-disordered mother. Tack on the fact that she spread her legs and brought 5 more children into the dysfunctional mix. All her own doing. But I am gone forever from her. Dead to me. Note: Some women should never be mothers.
The isolating part really hit hard for me. I’m the scapegoat of my family and married into a narcissistic family with a husband who has high narcissistic traits and when I became a mother 11 years ago I stayed home because of poverty, lack of resources, and support. I’ve been isolating for the last 11 years. I have a B.A. in psychology and didn’t do anything with it. Now in therapy I continue saying to my therapist that I want to take a class or join a group. But I never do because I always end up being the scapegoat. It’s like they can smell me miles away even with almost 6 years of therapy under my belt.
I needed this reminder so much today. Thank you very much. 💜
You are so welcome.
22:15 as a catholic (converted from a protestant church as a university student and looking back on my life, it is fair to say that this choice saved my life) I have found that praying the rosary and also silent adoration in a church is more of benefit for me than anything (though other things might be helpful as well)
Leaving Catholicism then adopting
biblical-based Faith was healing.
This is so completely accurate down to the exact words. The only thing here that doesn’t apply in my situation, at least in my conscious memory, is sexual abuse (in the physical sense). Thank god for that. It’s just shocking that this complicated convulured situation is a thing, happens all the time, and that so few people (outside of communities like this) understand. Thank you for this video, the details and specifics here are invaluable.
My narcissistic mother, IMO sexually abused me, but not in the 'traditional' sense.
1. She set me up to be touched inappropriately by my father, by 'accidentally' sending me downstairs while he was showering, in an open shower (no curtain or door) at the age of 7 or younger, then later by sending me off with him alone (he largely ignored me), then again when I was 11 or 12 and she, who worked PT, made my father measure me for my first bra. Talk about awkward!! My older sister couldn't do it??
2. She treated sex like it didn't exist, that it was dirty, bad and horrible, even after marriage, and that it's only purpose was to please a man...like a chore or obligation.
3. She wanted me to be a virgin upon marriage, but also encouraged me to 'date around' and 'play the field' so that I could figure out what kind of man I wanted to marry.
4. When I accepted a marriage proposal as a teenager, she destroyed that relationship, because I was 'too young to know' what I wanted. (See item # 3)
5. Through the course of her destroying that relationship, she managed to make me look like I was cheating on / sleeping around on the man I loved, and managed to convince me that he had cheated on / slept around on me, neither of which was true.
6. She made creepy sex jokes at the dinner table.
7. When there was a rumor about me having slept with a guy, she did nothing to correct the record. She didn't care if I had that reputation or not. A friend suggested to me recently that from the way I describe her, she was expressing herself sexually vicariously through me.
8. She told my friends to set me up with as many different guys as possible, in order for me to 'get over' my former fiance' - because, being the 'good Christian woman' she was, she wanted me not to be tied down to anyone while I was so young. Yet, the Bible tells us that we should only date potential mates, and to find a potential life partner, not just to 'have fun' and 'be seen.'
9. She refused to believe me when I told her that I had been molested, that one of my boyfriends tried to r**e me, and that another one tried to force himself on me - I was just being dramatic and making it up. Time #1 - she denied completely. Time #2 - the boy was taking me to my first prom, so of course he couldn't have been bad. Dressing me up like a damd doll was more important than protecting me. Time #3 - she liked that boy and wanted me to marry him (I eventually did, having repressed the traumatic memories of what he tried to do, and his threats of suicide if I broke up with him), so obviously, I was mistaken. She didn't care if boys, or in one case, if a grown man literally r---'d me. As long as I got to dress up in a frilly dress, my frickin safety didn't matter.
10. She had me do a 'photo shoot' of mildly flirtatious poses while wearing my cheerleading uniform, and gave them to my brother to show off his cute sister to his Army buddies. I was a cheerleader because I loved my school. But she had to whore that up and ruin the experience.
Even though how she treated me was not literally r-a--p-e, it was from a mental or psychological standpoint. I had no idea what 'safe' or 'good' relationships were; being abused, betrayed, cheated on (Oh, yes, it was okay and even preferable for me to be with someone who f---d around on me!! I almost forgot about that!). Safety was dangerous and danger was safe.
In other words, if I dated someone 'safe' for me personally, I got beaten, tortured, threatened and terrorized behind closed doors at home. If however, I dated boys / men who treated my like crap, then the beatings, lies, manipulations and coercions stopped. Safe was dangerous; danger was safety. Like growing up in the book '1984.'
@@Hawaiiansky11compassion to you.
I was sexually abused by my exhusband whe he came home drunk most nights and forced me to have sex against my wishes. Wheni told my adult daughter the situation. Her reply was that is an awful thing to say I was telling the truth .My children do nit want to help me when I am I'll There dad told them I was mental paranoid and evil. Yes I do not feel comfortable with my family I call myself an outcast
Shame on them
Thank you for clarifying what we have felt and experienced as FSA survivors. First time I have ever heard someone describe it so intelligently and compassionately. I know I can speak for many who've endured this alike, how relieved it feels to finally be seen, heard and not alone. Thank you Rebecca.
You're very welcome. Glad you're here. Linking you to my resource list for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I’m so glad I found you!! This is my story!! All of the trauma you speak of happened to me it’s so heartbreaking. Thanks again
You're welcome! Glad you're here. If you relate strongly to this video, you will want to check out my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
Related to all of this. Went no contact before it was a thing. Had no models for what to do. Had BPD diagnosis once but no treatment. Mental health people no help. Therapist would not let me talk about my family because I was the sick one.
.
Yes, that was pretty much what most FSA adult survivors experienced years ago. And many still do, sadly.
Hello Dr. Mandeville. I'm pausing the video to extend my condolences. How are you doing? We've certainly become like family in this little community and my heart goes out to you. I don't know how close you were to the relative who passed, and I pray that the Lord will shower you with His peace and comfort.
How kind of you, Yasmine. I am doing well. Thank you for reaching out. Much appreciated!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse my pleasure.
Spot-on Rebecca well said.100 percent correct
I appreciate this, Carissa.
I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you. My mind is so blown by this information. Thank you so much. I ordered your book yesterday and can hardly wait for its arrival. Huge hugs to you.
Good to hear - and thank you. I hope you find my work on FSA - and my content here - helpful. I have free articles on my blog as well at scapegoatrecovery.com/blog.
4years no contact with narcissistic mother and siblings and so called relatives
Yes! I was diagnosed w adhd when I was 30 and it did absolutely change my life. (My mom said there were no symptoms during my childhood.... there were.) I had believed the stigma; I didnt fully understand focus and how my day was influenced by it, and i also did not understand the medication. Neurodivergency explained so much about my experience, it was the first time I felt hope that i might be able to reach an inner sense of peace & ease, someday. I saw others with the same life difficulties and diagnosis as me, living a life filled with joy and love, who were able to effectively choose their paths & be involved in their communities, and were able to meet their roles with presence and compassion (not shame). I had never seen that before!!
CPTSD and pete walker's book took that to a whole new level. I could only read that one in small chunks, it was too relevant.
If I asked my siblings what did i do wrong. They answered Something I dit 35 years ago, I stil don’t know what it was. An other answer was just who you are. I always knew I wasn’t the one with a problem. Rebecca, everything is so spot on and everything makes sense now to me. Thanks!
You're very welcome. Linking you to my resource page for FSA survivors in case you are seeking additional education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
❤ I hope you're adding to your qualitative research in this area! It's quite insightful for so many that have labels slapped onto their reactive patterning! ❤
I’ve been researching for over 15 years now. My book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, is supported by my original Family Systems research on this form of abuse (what I named ‘family scapegoating abuse’ / FSA), if you’d like to learn more.
Thank You so much Rebecca ❤ I am sad to hear about the loss of your family member. I just found out when I watched today's video. I know how devastating a loss can be, especially a sudden loss ❤ Our hearts are with you.
I really enjoyed this week's video. It's like you were present as we went through all 16 signs of Family Scapegoating Abuse. I experienced all signs except #14. I have not been analyzed in an office yet. Those 16 signs You researched are really jaw dropping. Thank You again, and as always, you upbuild and empower everyone 😁
So nice of you to say, and thank you for your condolences, I appreciate it. If you related to that many of the signs and haven't yet read my book, you may want to - soon!
Thank you Rebecca for expanding our understanding of this invisible abuse.
Yeap I relate to all you said.
The thing I can add is how it-the scapegoat abuse- contines in other avenues as an adult. Local churches are a prime breeding ground for this invisible abuse. And nobody but nobody wants to admit it.
Can you address that in your second book, please. 😊
Hope your precious 4-legged family member heals soon.
Glad you are back. Blessings Jane
I've spoken to colleagues about this (scapegoating in other systems aside from one's family); I have a friend who specializes in church-driven 'invisible' abuse. Did you already watch one of my very early videos, "Are you scapegoated wherever you go?' - ?
Boy would I like to talk to your friend.
Yes, I did watch the video you mentioned. Jane
She has a trauma-informed coaching practice. I can send you her info privately, if you're interested. And she deeply understands FSA.
Yes I am interested. Thank you.
What is the best way to privately get the info?
Rebecca, as Marylin Van Derbur Atler is to the incest survivors, you are to the scapegoat survivors.
Thank you. Jane
Hi Jane, so I don't get spam by listing it here, use this link - scroll down the page and click on 'reach out to her here'.
Appreciate you so much. I occasionally come back to vids on my healing path and have new/deeper insights. Healing spiral (is this a term? Should be!)
Good to hear - thanks for letting me know.
Thank u for the work u do and the work u have already done. Helps people understand and understanding is so very much needed to clear up the confusion and move on from harm. For I understand that sometimes hurting people hurt people...likely more often than not. I wonder where each person in the family dynamics role in this part of us all being human can go from here. Sadly I think about families never reconnecting for whatever reasons.....because I do believe that the breakdown of the family is such a big problem regarding probability of further mental health issues.. rejection by some and the rejected by others...it has such a big ripple effect on humanity..everyone hurts. Thus hurt people hurt people and seems relentless..suffering hate and the circle of brokenness remains unbroken..😢 I see the impact on humanity here but idk how as a collective of human population can break free of these dynamics that are so critical to moving forward. Moving forward in the concept that united we stand divided we fall. Peace to you and humanity.
You're welcome, Sandy. You may want to check out the video I released today where I address why FSA merits global attention. Link to video here: ruclips.net/video/DhBoJRzgcuA/видео.html
As always, great information presented in such a compassionate way. Thank you so much.
You are so welcome!
I believe that people who abuse you in ANYWAY have something to cover up and have interest in making you seem crazy, oversensitive, imaginative etc
I happen to mention this in the video I released today - and in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). This includes covering up the sexual abuse of a child.
This is a great video, I felt like I could relate. You should be proud in your ability to connect with people to get the message across
Very kind of you to say - glad you liked the video.
Like wise we feel privileged to be here listening to you
🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
Glad to have you back & love the new expansive view 😎 I am enjoying your book immensely, thank you 🙏
You are so welcome - and glad you are enjoying my book!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseYour book is an excellent resource & I am very appreciative of your work 🙏 I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult. Although, as a teen I suggested that I may have it considering my symptoms, but my father said it wasn’t possible. As the family scapegoat, of course, my concerns or struggles were minimized & invalidated. Thank you for discussing that in this video. I pray your dog recovers soon 🐶❤
Not only do I relate to all but 1 of those signs in my natal family but 3 of my children have now started with this behaviour. The most recent is one of my daughters making an accusation of such magnitude and horror, that I will never again feel safe in her company. Her accusations have increased in degree of monstrosity that I fear that the next time, I will be put in jail for her "statements of fact".
As I write in my book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), these scapegoating behaviors are passed down in dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems like some toxic, poisonous recipe that descendants are forced to eat.
I actually think it is directly contagious to a certain type of people. I have a brother-in-law, that moved with my husband and I when we moved back to help my parents. It drove him into frothing rages to have to deal with that. Now that I finally got the three of us away, HE has turned into my evil mother! Even messes with the thermostat like she did! OMG!
It is enough to make you believe in demonic posession/contagion. I am contemplating throwing salt at him when he gets in his snits, its what they do to evil spirits in the East! Seeing as nothing else gets through to him. In the meantime, I get to plan another move....again. So far, distance is the only real way to get your life, sanity, and the serenity called HOME back.
Still going to try the salt though!
I totally understand. My son became a malignant narcissist, and he had a couple rages in his teens that truly scared me. Don't hesitate to lay the line in the sand. Behave or I'm calling the law. And follow thru. It's better than the alternative.
Thank you. Your examples brought everything to light and unfortunately there are lots and lots of amazing people who can relate to this.
Hopefully everyone will eventually realize how amazing they are and realize they can't change the past and learn to make the most of the life they have now.
I don't think we can forget things, but what we can do is like writing over information on a hard drive. I mean when we start adding positive experiences and thoughts about ourselves to our inner voice that tends to write over the bad thoughts and at the very least it makes it much quieter.
Thanks again for this important information. It's always a shame how the troubled people in society think it's everybody else.
You're welcome. And your last sentence says it all. Thank you.
You are so needed. I'm glad you're back. Take it easy. We'll be here no matter what pace you do these.
Thank you so much - This community has been so supportive of my needs. I am grateful.
Yes, as I told you, I’m adopted and I was sexually abused by few different people in the family, emotionally abused until three years ago at the age of 47 when I went no contact and I will take your advice and go no contact for the rest of my life happy healing and sending love to all the wonderful paths this amazing journey, and we have the strength to speak out and help children in the future
Rebecca, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I hope all the support you lavish upon others is returning to you at this time. ❤
Thank you for your kind words. 🙏