When I got to the real world as a traditional college student at age 18, I felt a sense of freedom that was very uplifting. I was also amazed at how easy it was to get along with people outside of my immediate family and how nice most people were. It was such a relief being able to get up in the morning and walk around the campus without being criticized every time I turned around. I was happy to come home when I did for holidays and occasional weekends, but also very relieved that I didn't have to live that stifling and controlled life with my parents and immediate family.
I found the closest to what my parents did to me as a infant and young child is the exact same as this gang that torture me during the covid lockdowns. They both were saying and doing the same patterns. Gaslighting a 1 year old is F'ed up while feeding them sour rotten food and keeping them isolated in a dark room while only giving me 1 hour a day for sleep.. The one thing that is different is the gang gave me more attention than my parents and their neglect.
As soon as I started setting boundaries, my family pushed backed (parents and siblings). They were mad that I didn’t allow myself to be their trashcan anymore.
Yes, it’s hard in the beginning. It sucks to realize that they don’t really care. At some point (after much reflection and maybe therapy), you’ll realize how much better life is without them. I passed 50 years of life thinking I suffered from dysthymia (chronic low grade depression) and anxiety. After being pushed too my breaking point, I went no contact with my entire large family. I even cut off old friends because they knew my family members. I ended up alone with my teenage daughter. I can’t tell you how much life has changed for the better. It’s not that I don’t have problems, but I don’t have to deal with all the toxic drama and $hitstirring. I feel content 99% of the time. It’s a calm feeling. I might have mistaken it for boring if I was still caught up in everyone’s drama and being blamed for what they do.
They might be abusive to their closest family members. And my abusive family members are very nice and do good to others. Ppl seem to believe that ppl are the one or the other, where we are both.
This is where a lot of the cognitive dissonance comes in for me - people outside of my family have treated me way better, men outside of my family have shown me that good, nurturing, emotionally supportive fathers do exist etc
The benefit is if everyone is focused on your flaws, nobody talks about the abusers flaws. I once told my mother to stop talking about my life and talk about her own.
Oh my Gosh!! How True. This isn't my dilema. This is what my friend is going through, but she doesn't realize it. Me & another friend look out for her, but I even have to share This news to Her,(2nd friend), so she can look out for our friend better. We're not enablers, we're Encouragers !!!
Narcissist parents have to label the scapegoat as crazy in case incase the scapegoat talks about the abuse and then the parents can say, don't listen to them because they are crazy
@@DarkCelestialConsciousnessI’ve certainly started fighting back after years of taking it, can’t just take sucker punches forever without fighting back at some point.
I think people who become the scapegoat are the ones that are perceived as a threat. Either because we think more critically, perceive patterns more clearly, etc. That's very threatening to a narcissist or psychopath, and they pick up on it quickly.
yes, because they cannot stand the authenticity - they are running in the opposite direction to their pain and refusing to work through it, thats exactly why hey need a scapegoat
Yes scapegoats are those who are different, yes often truth-tellers by choice or chance, thus can be easy targets of everyone around who need someone else to blame their woes on. My dilemma is not so much within my family as within larger community. Because I’m different, i do attract notice because lm kind, energetic, not a gossip, prefer talking about big issues, love learning, an easy target for others who need to be entertained …. I’ve gotten much better at excusing myself from people who haven’t a strong moral center but in thus day & age, its difficult to find good people as society descends into another kind of dark ages. But i refuse to lower my standards. Luckily my parents were wonderful patents who prepared my ADHD self for success in many ways! But damn community these days post-COVID snd post-my own grief over too much loss in short period of time community is scarce with the descent of fear over the world. Its terrible in the world tiday.
My mother was afraid of me the day I was born. I never cried or fussed and my eyes were wide open in the delivery room. Many of her narcissistic illusions got put to rest in this lifetime.
Mostly, cause we want the truth. Even as a little kid, we have instinct to know truth from lie, and “out of the mouth of babes”, we may blurt something out that embarrasses the narcissist. If that happens repeatedly, that narcissist has that kid (me), in her (my mother) in her crosshairs. 💔💔. And I was in her mind, the enemy until I moved out at 19, and went no contact 🥳🥳.
Being gaslighted by your family feels like living in the twilight zone. it's almost impossible to get it thorough your own head that this is really happening and you're not the bad guy.
Isnt it strange??? I say that to myself often - how can they do this to their own people? Cruelty and domination occur everywhere and some of us got saddled with those types of family members. Most of my family line on my mothers side are loud, bossy, caustic, verbally abusive women. They had a reputation for yelling and what I refer to as "shrieking" to each other and anybody who disagreed with them. That sound of screaming, argumentative women is such a terrible trigger for me. No wonder men couldnt get away fast enough.
@@FreshGrey-pm4vw it's toxicity in general. I had an epiphany about a perfect place where no toxic people exist. And then I realized it would be so easy we just handle our business and have respect and dignity. I can imagine that place because it's where I want to be and how I want to behave. That place can't exist if not for the rest of these people who are all toxic
Yes!!!!!! it took decades to learn being forced to live(sharing the same wall) with the family member who SAd me was horribly traumatic and one of the many causes of my depression. Imagine being caught in the act and everyone furious at you. Only years later to be forced to act as if im in one big happy family. Because it disrupted their lives. Their picture of their family. So much pain in one lifetime as an empathic just isn't fair. The healing process is slow going but going on 4 years no contact. I'm no victim.
@@lovelyscorp79 Good for you- so sorry for the pain you went through. Your self care matters so much and efforts to feel validated. We have to go through a kind of deprogramming process. Its worth it.
They don't want to be accountable, and you weren't supposed to set boundaries... you were supposed to be codependent and keep taking the abuse. The narcs in your family are jealous of you. You are authentic and real and they can't do that. ❤️
My mother literally told me it was a virtue not to tell the truth ‘all the time” meaning some truths are meant to be said and others to be ignored or kept in secret 🙄
Quite interesting you talk about strategic default. How are we supposed to pay property taxes when satan controls the only currency and it's use will cost our soul? Even the Annabaptists will have to contend with this issue.
As a result, they never resolve anything, they never own up to anything, they never take responsibility for anything, they shift their crap onto a person they expect to carry it, and scapegoating can eventually do so much harm that it can unalive someone. John 1951 - 2001
The pathetic people who are cruel to others are so miserable inside that they have a need to make others unhappy. I pity those unhappy people who are mean to others. No luck will come their way.
This doesn't just happen in families. I refused to participate in bullying with a group of my work colleagues, so now I'm being bullied by them, having lies spread about me etc... It sucks being a scapegoat for others shitty behaviour 😐
I relate so much to this comment! I have had this dynamic play out at work, and it is hard to overlook the social ostracism and still enjoy the job, even if you love the job.
*"... the scapegoat can do no right..."* It's a character definition. Once we are clear about the character role we are playing, (a) we can move away from the people enacting the other parts in the scapegoat drama, (b) we can continue to be loyal to that self definition and have other experiences over time that mirror that self-definition, *or* (c) we can form ourselves a new character, free of the past. Here is where people like Joe Dispenza are very useful to free us from the past.
I like that. There is a finite amount of time and space in one's life. The older I get, the less I realise there is left, and if the room is full of toxic people, even when you're related to them, there's nothing to stop you opening the door and stepping into another room.
Absolutely. The world is big. There are many good people.... and once you leave the bad people (narcissists, because everything they do breaks the ten commandments), good people are not afraid to enter your life. So many good people in my life, since I left my job full of toxic selfish people who deflected blame for everything. No accountability. It was the same with my family -- since going no-contact after my father died, I've been able to reconnect again with the friends who share my goals and values, and who work to create things instead of tear people down. Good people are the balm for a scapegoat's life.
I was raised by wolves (metaphorically). My parents were lackadaisical, hateful and didn't keep much of an eye on me as a kid. I got out, I'm an Escapegoat. Get away from the toxic family and never look back.
I have used that same description. ..& heard Annie Oakley also was "raised by wolves !" We are forced to be "Lone Wolves "...& apparently we are in good company, & not as alone as we thought...♡☆♡
When my mom died, I thought that finally my siblings will see me and who I really am and start treating me differently. How wrong I was. I try not to be in contact with them, for only few months now. I've cried my eyes out but now I try to keep in mind that they'll probably never change and I can't help them change. I already was the truth teller and therapist(the role my siblings had too)to my mom and she never changed. I can only help myself.
Happened to me when my grandparents on my mom's side died. They were my "parents" when growing up...everything went downhill after their death. Particularly after my grandfather's death everything finally crumbled down, he passed away first and he was the pillar of the family. Masks fell off after this, but when grandma passed away it just became even worse. Was insulted and kicked out by my brother... he apologized, only because I managed to improve my life without them, and I still talk to him because we have trauma bond I guess, but I will never forget what happened and don't want to visit this place again. What was home became volatile hell
You know what doesn't make a lick of sense? A sent-photo (of me and my sibling, taken in 1984) through the parent's estate attorney, and the attorney passing a message along from the sibling that said "I love you. Do not try to contact us." I had not tried to contact them in 24 years, so why the impudent declaration, and by what audacity are the words "I love you" put in combination with that? Obviously, they have no idea what love is. On what planet are those two statements conjoined? Crazy.
I think the reason the scapegoat is never believed is because the dynamic is to always put that person down...it's comforting for all victimizing parties...they can feel superior in themselves, and amongst each other. It's like a giant nose all eyes can look down...together...and look away from their own messiness. Once you take yourself out of the dynamic, they all start falling apart individually...and attacking each other...because the favorite and mutual punching bag is gone. Now they have to depend on their own functionality...rather than mutually sponging off of someone else's. The scapegoat is always the most functional person in the group...and once you can get away, you really can come to know this.
Yessss! My family kicked me out back then and a few years later my younger brother actually verbalized: "They always said it was Hannah but once she was gone they were even more mental so that can't be true!" And I was like FINALLY!!! someone comes back to reality. Hallelujah.
I am the scapegoat. New people actually say terrible things to my face when they would come to my family gatherings because they were given the impression that bullying me was the way in. I cannot count anymore how many people associated with my family have randomly approached me in public and not even a hello..an immediate accusation that I am mean or uncaring... its assault actually. And because it makes me sad I am then accused of being mentally ill. Who wouldn't be hurt by this. Its been ongoing for decades.. I never realized others have had similar experiences.
@@jennifervierstraete7987 you are not alone 😊 I talk a little bit each day in upbuilding conversations with people I meet throughout the day and it picks me up. You need to slowly make yourself a new emotional support system. I make freinds with people who don't know each other that way no one can gang up on me and it's easier to fade someone out of your life.
Hatred of me unites them. They do the love bombing and then attack. After watching the earlier video on this I cut all contact. They never forgave me for cutting contact before and now I'm doing it again. They all lie, bully, abuse, and backstab. HOW can anyone function normally with them, with that going on?
Same here and I just moved back lol… That’s OK. I do want to be there for my mom’s old or years, but I’m going to have to learn how to keep the separation even though I am close.
For any scapegoat here that may be reading this, stay strong and find your inner calm. When you are imperturbable, your life gets so much easier. You don't need to be super successful either as you cannot put a price on peace of mind. Find your rhythm :)
Success is a social construct. Follow gods plan for you. It's different for everyone. A corner office isn't the goal. I'm a baker. Married two boys and a dog
I’m working on letting that go. This is generational trauma in the form of toxic shame and it’s not my job to carry it. I’m done carrying the weight of other people’s pain.
@@tessthemermaid7742 gosh, I feel the same way. I’ve been doing EMDR and she understands family systems and trauma so that has been very helpful. I am trying to be patient. It’s taken me over fifty years to understand what was going on so I’m trying to see the time and money I’ve spent in therapy in journaling etc as necessities to overcome fifty years of maladaptive ways of thinking that somehow if I tried hard enough and explained myself well enough my family would finally see the light and want to get well and we could all have a good life together. Ugh, I was so naive.
They destroyed every success i had... for 40 years... i retired far away from them. My success is peace, calm, and solitude. I finally realized i don't need them, they needed me- i was always on my own.
After some yrs of distancing myself from the angry mob of a family I was abused by, I re-entered the family for about a yr. What I saw was very disturbing. My mother who always had scapegoated me, came against me twice as hard because she recognized I had grown and become stronger emotionally. I literally watched her orchestrated attacks again and again and realized she is imprisoned in this cycle of abuse. What a very sad life she has lived. I definitely felt empowered being able to set boundaries and walk away, again. Some people are truly mentally unstable and we must take control over what we allow others to do. *For me, the bottom line was facing that I was an orphan and had to find the strength to walk away from the only family I ever knew. Yes its lonely at times but not nearly as horrible as being gas lighted, betrayed, rejected, hated and criticized by my mother and siblings. I feel free despite that it took until age 63 to completely walk away!
@jim ster yes its a deep wound when our own blood rejects us....but there are only 2 choices. stay in the abuse or set yourself free. all the best to you.
@@jimster-lb6we I can so relate to your comment. With me, there is always the temptation to try again, but I know the hurt it would cause me. When they pass away, the grief will be over what could have been and never was. I recently heard a Jordan Peterson podcast about lessening rumination by looking into hobbies that we can immerse ourselves into, so I'm looking into table tennis, ballroom dancing, and chess.
Yes reconnecting with my golden child sister was not a good move It lasted a few years and took me a while to realise that it was affecting my mental health She corrected every thing I said I started saying 'thank you for that correction' every time she did it and when I'd said it about 20 times in an hour she got the message It lasted for about 2 years before she reverted Then it was worse than before
I was the scapegoat for being different: smart, organized, insightful and hard working. I left home at 18 y.o. and they envy and hate me even more that I was successful in college/graduate school and successful at work . They so wanted me to return home depressed and broken.
Same here, my family hated me for being a critical thinker and calling them out on their behavior. They would call me up tight for having my room clean and being organized or having a good memory which they hated. My mom is a nut job psychologist (with no boundaries on privacy ironically) and thought something was wrong with me cause I wasn't messy and chaotic like her and my siblings. They made fun of me for cleaning my room or tucking my shirt in or dressing up for formal events like the rest of my cousins and extended family who I really respected and treated me with respect unlike my immediate family. I think they also hated that the rest of the extended family really loved me and always asked about me and growing up they came to my sports events, musical performances and gave me support when my mother didn't want me even playing sports and tried to emasculate my brother and I. My extended family are conservative and my mom is a so called liberal but now she hates them and calls them white supremacists and doesn't want to talk to them. My mom is white, my dad a black Latino and I never heard ANY of my extended family (other than my grandfather) say anything racist towards me or my ethnicity. It's really sad cause they are really good people but I can't communicate with them or I'll be intwined with my immediate family again. I'm also the one that moved the furthest away from home and never came home for Thanks Giving or Christmas haha! Sorry for the rant.
"Not everybody will treat you as cruelly as your parents and your siblings did." That hit home - for a long time I always wanted to return to my family, not realizing consciously that they were the least welcoming people in my world. Now I'm in an excellent healing program, I've keep no contact with most of the family.
Perfectly said. It takes a great dwal of work to overcome their incessant screaming, cussing, hitting, burning of possessions but it can be done. But you must always keep that fence up because they dont give up even for 1 second to attempt to hurt you. Living well and w/out their influence is the best revenge there is.
@@lisastillion2937 I think it is easy for the innocent-hearted to imagine that with great passage of time, those people will grow and develop beyond their earlier behavior, and with great passage of time and healing, we can forget the realities of their propensities. It is hard to fathom people as you've described: I've been no contact since late 1993, almost 31 years, the scapegoating N parents are gone, only one sibling (older, flying monkey, well trained in narcissism, 76 years old) and their N spouse and their grown children remain, and yet with awareness of their past behaviors, and the knowledge of the N's tactics and the passing of the scapegoating-torch to my sibling, and the reading of these comments, it seems clear that they are still not stable, yet after all these years, I would have thought that at least my sibling might have wised up. How is it that the rest of us grow and mature, yet they don't, seemingly at all? Very strange. It is hard for me to fathom.
I was/am the family scapegoat. In my 20's (before I realized it), I married an emotionally abusive guy, typical cycle of abuse. After a couple of years, I knew the guy was out of control (just like my biological family) and I felt he would get worse and kill his significant other. After much drama, I divorced him. My biological family sided with him as they chose not to believe me. My feelings didn't matter. 20 years later, I found out he's in prison for murdering his ex-girlfriend. It occurred to me, my biological family wanted SO BADLY to make ME the bad guy, that they made a murderer, a "good guy". Wow.
Ur comment sounds so familiar except my ex that they still love so much…he didn’t murder anyone but was arrested and convicted of 49 felony burglaries the first round and 14 more the second round…and somehow my family believes I was involved…my brother and sister even planted evidence in my storage and turned it in to the cops to try getting me arrested and not my ex…wtf.
@@w8what575 OMG! THat's even worse than my biological family! Do you have the option of moving FAR away from them and never looking back? Your family sounds downright dangerous.
@@lunahora5512 Nice! Congratulations! Chances are biological family will never realize their wrongs, it will always be "We have no idea why she moved, we have no idea what got into her....." They have to stay in denial in order to not take responsibility for their behavior.
Yes.. they will never dear. I moved 6 years ago from Portugal to the UK and I rarely get a call from them.. its almost Christmas day and the only person that called me from my family was my mum, as always. But thanks dear. It was still the best decision I could have done
It’s hard for people to hold more than one image of people in their minds at one time. For example, it’s hard for people to believe that a banker who helps in his community and church can also be a child molester behind closed doors. And…some of the abuser’s supporters are just exactly like him.
Absolutely. It’s so easy for a man in a position of authority with a pleasant outward appearance and a likeable face to be downright evil, because everyone projects their own love, light, and ethics onto him. If he momentarily does something odd or sketchy, most people will give him every benefit of the doubt and make excuses rather than paying very careful attention to what just happened.
@@scapegoatchildrecovery I've been mobbed and gaslighting at work for over 12 years till present. Full of NPD cowards at work and will end up exposing themselves.. I'm a top worker, jealous of me big time and of my money and condo too. Defamation of character. Saying I'm a stalker, I drink, I'm crazy. All bs. Managers are scared of the bullies, they do nothing, union, police are all totally useless too. Toxic workplace in healthcare. Been working 38 years and never been suspended. Action speaks louder than words. But this crap never ends trying to scare the women at work, all the insecure and toxic women. I will never quit due to these lazy bums with no life. These 2 guys should be locked up and have the manager fired.
You don't even have to be talented. You might just follow rules, behave in school, get good grades, get into a good university, have a profession, marry someone who is kind. I think my family really reacted when I married a really decent, hardworking, down to earth guy. It was obvious he loved and respected me and that our marriage would last. That just didn't fit the loser image they wanted me to have.
I was the golden child but became the scapegoat when I challenged the gaslighting covert narc mother. Father was enabler and gaslit too. Reached out to sibs who just ignored me due to indifference. I've left them all in my wake with no regrets. I refuse to have relationships with toxic people, now I keep myself safe.
This is my story too. I was the golden child now turned scapegoat and black sheep. Same, I called out my covert narcissist mom for stealing millions from my recently deceased father. That was the last straw that broke my back. Never looked back.
And get this, my siblings did NOT want to do a thing about it despite WE are all rightful heirs. They have her under her spell and she has them believing there is no will. Excuse me? Millions and no will? My father was a professionally successful man and ran a legal and accounting firm. 🤯
a counseller asked me how i managed to break the cycle,my reply was this,it wasnt hard,i just did the complete opposite of my mother ,i would never want my child to feel the same way i did
This is so true, I was the scapegoat and still am. People dismiss me, ignore me and even mock me no matter what I say and do. They love to show contempt in some way or another every time we are together. They suck all the joy out of the room as soon as they walk in, so I avoid them as much as possible.
Same ! That’s why I been NC for a month now with two family members and I decided I’m Not doing anymore family get togethers with them ever again. No Xmas , no b day celebrations with them , no holiday get togethers at all. I might meet once in a blue moon with them for a restaurant get together then go home straight after. I have no desire to be anywhere near them for anything for a lengthy time. They can find someone else to be their scapegoat. I am putting my house up for sale in august and I am moving hours away if not another state. Then I won’t have to worry about them showing up at my door. Weird thing tho .. I moved away for 5 years. Came back and nothing changed. They don’t change. You have to
@@ccalexander1924 I have pretty much made a rule that "IF" I see any of them again it will be on my turf one on one, no others around. They seem to feed off one another. They are far less likely to pull their nonsense when it is only them alone. They need others to validate what they do, they are the weakest people ever.
They suck all the joy out of the room - Yes, I said something very similar recently - They suck all the air out of the room………I felt suffocated, likeI couldn’t breath 😧
I know in my case why i was the scapegoat. My mother set me up from birth. She could hide her failed relationships from everyone because Tiffany was bad. I was labeled a liar as soon as I could talk. It worked but she lost me. She still does it. I finally realized one day that I can't be blamed for being there and not being there. If your life is still bad when I'm gone, then you just make poor decisions.
They don't even have logic; they are not bright people. They aren't rational, they make stupid statements, ask stupid "questions," and do stupid, self-destructive things that guarantee they come out the loser. Their narcissistic practices are not sustainable, they are self-destructive.
Every person I have ever interacted with, who has not met my family, treats me with respect and usually seeks out my guidance or advice in a wide array of matters. Every person who knows me through my family treats me like I am a moron and openly mocks me and laughs at me when I express completely normal thoughts and ideas as if I am some sort of clown. I live in two worlds.
@@pdizzle5302 I can totally relate to this complete mind f*ck! It is actually another part of the scapegoating "crazy making behaviour" that all scapegoats have to endure. Exactly what you describe I'll give you 2 examples from my own experience: I was earning £100k a year as a Digital Business Partner (yet I was a feckless waster apparently!) and whilst at a family friend's one evening when asked how the job was - upon me saying it was stressful I was immediately slapped down with "all jobs are stressful....." Dismissed!!! At another occasion at our family home a Sunday dinner was happening - surrogate auntie types in attendance. Twas 2019 and Boris Johnson was Prime Minister. I expressed opinion that he was infact a sociopath. One of the surrogate aunties (the one closest to my parents) immediately said "Well I don't agree with you!" Ok I said that's fine but then I had a sudden epiphany so I asked her "out of interest, do you know what a sociopath is?" She said "No I don't!" Just wow! This is when you realise how openly cruel these flying monkeys can be. I have no idea about the opinion you just gave but you're still wrong because it's you....!
My mother started to slander me to other family members and friends from my early teen years on.. so i didnt stand a chance. I was a rather shy kind and minded my own business. She on the other hand was 'bubbly' (fake), gossiped and was on some sort of superior moral throne. So she kinda enchanted them. She is very good at planting seeds about others in someone's mind, i saw her do it all the time with other people.
There is no worse betrayal than your own parents (who are supposed to be our ultimate defenders) choose to attack their children rather than protect them. They seem to get a great thrill out of slandering and insulting their kids and their listeners are just as toxic as them for entertaining those type of conversations. I always think it's a huge red flag when a parent starts speaking badly about their own children with no justified reason for doing so.
Mines the same and she thought I was jealous because “she’s so gregarious “ 😂 I actually enjoy being quiet and not socialise with people. I prefer non human animals to humans ones. My mother never believed me about that when I stated it but I meant every word and still do
That's why I went no-contact with not only close family, but all relatives and anyone else they are even potentially in contact with. Watertight. That way there is no reason to worry about what anyone believes.
Thank you so much for your comment. I hope you might see mine. I did the same. It had to be WATER TIGHT! Yes. Off with every single human being who knew them. Water tight. That was how extreme I had to do this to get rid of them. I am changing my NAME right now to ensure they cannot ever approach me in any way. I even ask God to keep them away from me in the next life, if there is one. It’s too much. Love to you ♥️
@@rs5570 thanks! I did see it now. Honestly it made my life a little worse for 1-2 years. Nailed it down to moat likely guilt (especially regarding my mother. Might be biologically hard wired in some of us) But I'm better of in the long run. And I've had a new spring so to speak, on/off, since last may. No I finally seem over the hill. Good luck & lasting peace to you! The steeper the climb, the more you enjoy the view from the top!
@Susel I get that! Me too. I can even (or could), without even notice it, feel guilty towards some of the worse even (and o/c the collateral damage, including two brothers from another mother) Caused me to rage in imaginary discussions to defend myself.. After 1/2 years I nailed it down to a flash of guilt I would feel in the chest, usually when I felt good and asked myself (probably b/c hypervigilanse), could ever thing be cool and peacefull..? I'm over the hill now I think. Meditation and pranayama.. peace and good luck!
Yes… I can see why you just make it absolute. I’m thinking of going no contact with all of them, but there’s one good friend who’s loosely associated with my family and I want to keep her In my life. How do I do that?
Yup, my ex taught me how to let it go, and showed me how to disappear. I would bet she thought I would curl up and die. Nope, quite the opposite and since my blood relatives sided with her smear campaign, they are also dead to me.
"Not everyone in the world will treat you as hurtfully or as cruelly as your parents did." I've yet to see that bear out. Since I've created healthy boundaries for myself I've found many people to be outright hostile. Our cultural values are themselves toxic, people are incentivized to be toxic, and this is evidenced by perceived increases in the rates of mental illness (including empathy disorders) over time. I honestly just prefer to be alone now.
@@mrnice7570 Not if you have a Siamese cat. They're puppy-cats. Or Burmese. Only they're better than a dog, because you don't have to take them outside to go to the bathroom and walk them, unless you want to. I have my Siamese cat leash and harness trained, so we romp outside.
That is an interesting point about not find acceptance out in the world. It is true. My family invested a lot of energy in making me believe something was wrong with me. I bought it hook. line and sinker!
Yep. Just think about how bizarre of a person one must be to do that to others. Just the absolute level of mental weirdness these toxic people are imprisoned in.
And then when you get into a situation that sabotages and lets that lie play out, you feel they were right. But it’s the only way to be someone to somebody but a self destructive way. Grieving it all is hard and seems like you wont survive. Some of us don’t survive this and take our own lives.
My brother told me I was "pushing a narrative" about the abuse that I endured up until no contact. When I told him that I am staying to myself from now on, he told me "well now your just being a bully"
Wow..... now that's some cognitive dissonance.... being a bully by leaving them alone to face their own consequences and shortcomings..... *HUGS* Glad you got out of that cesspool. For me, every day away from my abusers improves my life, slowly but surely. I hope life is better for you now, also.
You cannot win and it is designed like that. If you cannot play the game like the others, you are punished and they make sure to show you how much more they are getting and their supposed superiority. Always one down or nothing. Proving you can live without them may help, but its for you/us. By then going back is so empty. Finally being done and accepting the loss but never again letting it happen in our current lives. Ever
"Not everyone in the world will treat you like your parents did." That is a critical point to make. I thought the world was going to be as cold as my parents. I found the world much better than my parents.
...."taking a hit for the team"........YES, it still boggles me that I kept taking hits for over 60 years, only to try one last time and collapse from the grief of reality......it was a TEAM OF JUDASES and I had wasted my life trying to believe they would treat me better. UGH. Thanks for your awesome videos, Mary. Bless You and All who are here to absorb this priceless info.
@@zeldafedak9428 Your original comment really touched my spirit! My "team of Judases" would slyly claim that since they all got on so well, the problem MUST have been me. So liberating to find out just the opposite was true. Thank you
I have tears running down my face as I feel the hurt of my scapegoat past, ( I was the 'mad' one). There was such deep hurt which I am only now realising at 76 I hardened myself against feeling. I blocked the hurt to cope. I spent my life trying to figure it all out, seeking counsellor after counsellor while not understanding what the problem was. Eventually after discovering alcohol I took myself to AA at 62 and thats when healing began for me. Oh Mary . Thankyou for these videos. They are hundreds of years overdue.
I am 69 and am finally learning to make my life about me. As my family scapegoat I was always scrambling around trying to please and appease those around me. I can't always keep the hurt and shame out of the picture, but at least I finally at least know that I deserve to be safe and happy. In the time we have left we have to give ourselves all the attention and love that we always should have had. Sending you a hug from this rock in the Mediterranean where I seem to have landed.
@@katella Thankyou for your kindness from a Rock in the Mediterranean ! I have very happy memories of my time on my own in the Mediterranean. Freedom, peace, and joy. I have learnt to take good care of me and have never been happier. Thanks Again.
Thanks for sharing your story. Very similar to my life’s story. I could never figure out why my life was so miserable as a child. Now it all makes sense.
My aunts, uncles, cousins etc.. will always see me as the black sheep. I have BPD caused by my parents, but nobody knows that. It is an immediate family secret. 🤫 If people knew how I was treated behind the scenes it would make my parents look bad - especially my dad. He has such a stellar reputation. Everyone thinks he’s just so fantastic. Why would anybody believe the “crazy” child? 🤷🏻♀️
💯 Resonate, understand and empathise. Ah the whispers and judgements against us on the slippery slide of confusion and self doubt. ;Although I was greyrocking, it's been hard coming to terms with my dramatic personality change. Somehow along the way, I became a codependent type resulting in further isolation, poor relationship choices, dangerous living, low self esteem, blame, shame, guilt, immaturity, fear & the list goes on ... We are strong and united in numbers now that many of us are waking up and walking out ❤
@@naturallivingwomanoh, I livd that one. If you have any trauma response based on the trauma caused by your family members touching have to keep secret they use it to discredit you and accuse you of accusing them and making stuff up. They can seem luke the “poor victimized beleaguered parents of their very mentally ill adult child”. Then they get all the sympathy and tell their manipulative story to all. Its damed if you do, damned if you don’t.
Wow thats sadly how my family is as well. My dad did a lot of bad things but its been like everyone keeps these blind folds on. They all see him as the hero the most loved and talked about person in the family. When I was a teenager I told a therapist I was having flashbacks of my dad abusing me as a kid. My mother made me stand next to her and watch her as she called everyone in my family to let them know what I had told the therapist. After being treated so badly I became suicidal thinking it was the only way I could escape verious forms of abuse by my mother and several others I tried to kill myself. I met some good people in the support group and went home feeling empowered and beginning to heal. The next time I openly talked to the therapist about the abuse my mother lied and said I was making suicide threats she had me hospitalised to shut me up about the abuse. I had a panic attack while in there listening to my mother make things up about me and the doctors refususing to hear my truth so they drugged me up and most of what I remember of the remaining weeks in there was being slouched over a wheel chair and asked "are you gonna talk about your father again?"
I was pretty much told I was wrong since birth.. I was wrong for being left handed, wrong for being a tomboy instead of a girly-girl, wrong for not taking sides, wrong for not complying/going along with the gaslighting, etc.. and I married men that repeated the same message, insisting I didn't know what I was talking about when confronting them for compulsively lying, spending, drinking/drugging, manipulating and controlling the narrative within the family that I am this terrible bad person, because I was wrong for divorcing them. Sadly, I finally saw last week that my children (trained to be flying monkeys) just continued the disrespect, verbal, and emotional abuse of the narcs, and firmly believe I am always wrong and/or crazy. I didn't understand narcissism for fifty years and firmly believed that there was something wrong with me because everyone seemed to say there was.... but if it were true, I would NOT be able to have healthy friendships with my gal pals for over 15 years, and relationships with my business clients, (some I have built friendships with) over the last 5 years, since opening our office. I was told I would never be able to be successful on my own in business but I am doing pretty well and things are much easier since I decided to have no contact with the narcs and the monkeys. After all, since I am such a bad person they shouldn't want to be around me.... its for their best interest ya know? LOL
Yes, right on point ! The lunatic bunch that I was born into had so much anger against each other from prior decades of dysfunction. As a young child, I used to put myself in the line of fire constantly because I would always be nice. It always became a verbally and / or physically abusive moment as they openly mocked my kindness. It was very confusing for a young child to be called names and assaulted . I walked away 27 years ago and, by God’s grace, my life is amazing now and that’s the BEST revenge. You are very insightful, happy I found your channel ✨
I'm learning so much from all your videos. I'm facing another lonely Christmas on my own but I would choose been lonely over been around sick toxic people everytime... 😍
I pretend the "holiday season" doesn't exist. Otherwise, even though I've been alone for many years it can be a bit sad. I make a plan for some creative project. That way, I'm gladly doing it and happy afterwards with the results. That 's my way of dealing with holidays alone. It is now just about me and doing something that is good for me. That's what holidays now mean to me and there is not much time to feel abandoned. Cheers to being safe and productive! 🌻
It is not an easy road, Dee, but I wish you much happiness in the future. Spoil yourself this Christmas …. if you read, get some good books to read, make yourself a lovely dinner and watch some good movies or series on Netflix. It takes time but having good friends who actually support you will be your reward. ❤️🇨🇦
Oh my word this is 100% spot on my entire life experience and story. Not to mention the gaslighting as well that happens. You're not only disbelieved but then told you're crazy, "it never happened", "you're lying" and on and on...the redemption will be with my own kids and family.
I hope that your own kids and family redeem you. Mine did not. Still, this does work out for some. If your not lucky and you become the family trashcan yet again, just remember you can start over. It may not be the same life you wish you had but it's as good as you make it. Anything is better than sticking around for abuse.
I remember when my amazingly kind therapist said these words to me...."You matter"....I balled my eyes out with relief.....I'd like to say to any empath that may happen to read this, You Matter.
It's sad, but somewhat reassuring to know that one of the reasons scapegoating is used, is that the family system doesn't want to look at its own pain. Sometimes i question, " why am I having to 'feel' for everyone else and work through so much trauma, etc?" when they're not bothered and now I know!
Growing up in a dysfunctional family is truly like being raised in a cult. The more abusive, the more controlling and cult like. I was/am the family scapegoat. I told my mother I was the family scapegoat when I was probably 12-14 years old! The scapegoat is always the truth teller. We want to bring things to light. The scapegoating also has occurred in my extended family. When you think about it, the abusive parent, or parents know what they are doing and are covering their own behinds. Oh, and I could also see the manipulative divide and conquer plays that were meant to divide my sisters and I.
I realise, only in hindsight that I was the scapegoat in my family and even to some extent to the extended family. I refuse to ‘play this game’ anymore; I restrict my presence to those who want to bully me, even my 2 eldest adult children want to bait and bully me. My family is full of narcs. It is easy to avoid them; I don’t organise any family events anymore as I don’t enjoy it. I spend time with my youngest loving son and his gorgeous girlfriend and only 1 other cousin. The rest of my social group is just a few friends. The narcs are looking a bit bewildered lately 😂
I quit trying to get close to my parents when I was eleven. Now I'm older and I'm fed up with the rest of my family,. I'm ready to leave them behind too. Enough is enough! It's true you become emotionally self-sustaining, you learn to take care of yourself. But if you're not careful, you will draw the same kind of people as your family to you. But once you realize this you will allow better quality people into your life.
I’m the SG… thank you for reminding me of all my gifts and talents that go ignored by my “family”. I’ve realized that they are actually jealous of me on many levels and criticize me by saying “you are too smart for your own good” I speak 3 languages fluently …and they are limited to one that they use as hate speech to me.
I was the Golden Child and then the Scapegoat! Fifty years ago, I moved out at 17 years old from a home with 2 NPD parents. Looking back, I dont know how I managed it, but then graduated high school, flew myself 2 thousand miles away, graduated college, then grad school, and then had a private practice in psychotherapy! Ironicall, my parents are in their nineties and my siblings are still recruited... so Im still the scapegoat, conveniently, in their eyes!
What a story. I moved from a little town in Appalachia to London because I needed to be that far away from their reach. I knew they couldn’t touch me or find me there. I was right. It still feels too close.
You did very well, against all odds! I left home around 16 and finished school. I went on to attend college & university. I was also in the Navy and did very well. I never got compliments from the family.
Very interesting, late in life I realize the breadcrumbing from sisters, so disappointing over and over. We do long for that connection with people we have known the longest....but its an illusion. Thank you.
Breadcrumbing... Is that like when my sister gave me some of her Harry and David pears that had gone bad last Christmas as my gift? 😂 Or when my Grandma gave me her half eaten birthday cake for my birthday? I'm like "wow, this is so generous of you guys!" 😂 My family is so toxic. I'm their 4th scapegoat. The 3 before me have all died.
@@rubyrainsongi did not know there was a term for that! My brother has done that. He sold out to my parents who spoil him and his kids. They got him to go after me because it served him in many ways. I overheard him talking someone that he wasn’t giving it away cheap, to them. The inly time he faked being nice to me was when he was in love and dating my and his 2nd cousin who had been my friend not his growing up and for some time. After college. His rebound from divorce. Then went right back to being nasty to me because of his bitterness about his divorce. He hides behind his new wife now and just gives me crumbs but I need time to tell him how horrible what he did to. Me was and also maligning me to his kids. He also bad mouthed me to my friend/cousin. They kicked me at my lowest point.
My father golden childed brother behind closed doors. He gave me a fraction of that time. I never remember him hugging or ever him telling me he loved me . Dysfunctional family. The scapegoat child can be confused and suffer for years . Thank you .Peter
Toxic family relationships is the gift that keeps on giving. It took years before i fully realised that my extended family also avoided me like the plague, except when they wanted something from me.
@@dnk4559 Yes, Mary has done a good job joining all the dots. It took me a long time to understand why I was invisible to my family and extended family. Why were there no photo's of me proudly (not) displayed on the mantle place or no visits by family members when they travelled around places near to me. Still, I am very grateful for a loving sister that has always being there for me and used to stand up for me when I was being abused.
@@davidmchugh-hypnotherapist7213 I’m so sorry you have also had a similar experience. It’s a hard thing to have to face but it now makes so much sense and really explains so much of what I had experienced with my Narcissistic parent who recently passed.
Very well explained. Almost 50 years in the role of scapegoat. Very ill and exhausted. I don't want to write about my youth, because I'm in a fase of forgiveness and healing within my family. But I experienced this mechanism too at schools, workplaces and neighborhoods. Even the healthcare system, where I asked for help and medical care. (which I didn't get) Everywhere. I'm totally abandoned and declared as outlaw by the system. I was a very sensitive and caring person. (yoga, meditation, reiki, years of therapy and training, wrote books about trauma and mobbing) But at 55 I just hate people! Thank you for the caring and soothing words.
well put. Still hoping to meet some kind people, because even the other meditation, yoga, massage school people all became more greedy and less empathetic. I worked really hard on owning what I brought to the table. Not sure what else to do? Isolation takes a toll too.
I love it Mary! I'm proud of you! I played family caretaker (was parentified), but didn't necessarily felt I was the SG as a child. As I got older, I started noticing that I would be SG'd when I started speaking up & calling stuff out. I walked away too & only want healthy connections in my life. I don't have any desire to connect with those dysfunctional people in my family!
I was the caretaker too but was the youngest so it's even harder for people to believe especially even when they (whom i helped) denied my role (while Still benefitting from my past sacrifice).
The damage my family done to me was devastating I finally worked it out at age 67. I have had no contact with them now for three years now and it’s been fantastic not being told you don’t deserve anything and hearing from other family and friends all the lies
This is so true. It took me a long time to understand that it wasn’t that they didn’t believe me, it was that they needed me to be the person they looked down on and blamed everything on. I never could understand why I needed to be perfect all the time, and it still wasn’t enough. Everyone else got to make mistakes and have normal human flaws, and they were still viewed as being wonderful. I get it now, they had a lot of shame, and needed to have someone in the family that was beneath them to make themselves feel better. I sometimes have this shuddering fear when I think about what would have happened to me if I hadn’t found a way to escape them. Even moving away and not being involved in their dysfunction didn’t stop them from blaming me for it. I remember after I first moved my grandmother kept telling me how well everyone was doing now that I wasn’t there to stress them out, and then her totally blaming me when the police showed up to break up one of my parent’s fights.
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
The scapegoat label from my family and awful Catholic school experiences followed me well into adulthood. When I graduated from law school, my parent's friend said to me "Wow, I never thought you'd amount to anything."
I’m so proud of myself. I know I’m not the only person that has been scapegoated. I have been through so much abuse I’m glad I never did anything to harm myself. I’m glad I have my head held high today. I’m progressing in life. It’s sad to think back on my life. My parents and siblings have physically harmed me multiple times. They have tried to kill my confidence. The emotional abuse is the worst part. I’ve been through hell. I just don’t understand.
Please start the journey of letting them all go……I have been working on this for a long time and I’m right on the brink of doing just that. It’s an internal letting go that must happen first. Then just stop reaching out. If they contact you, you can have the upper hand and connect in a way that keeps your self safe 🩵🙏🏽
I get you. Your words really resonate with me. My cat is the only thing that has kept me going. I'm not sure I'd want to be here if anything happened to her.
Mary, with amazing precision you convey what happens in the toxic family. Yes, the toxic parent projects his/her own past experience, failures, resentment, regrets, and/or those of the golden kid(s) onto the scapegoat(s). Our mother's life was saturated with envy, rage, resentment, regret and revenge. It never ended. All six of us kids, and our father, were subject to being the scapegoat at any given time. There was never any rest. I walked away after 46 years of her abject abuse. So far as I can tell, three of the six of us children became narcissists; they are determined to continue the curse Mom sewed into our lives, but we three primary scapegoats contemplate what happened, are determined to work through it, and we explain it to our children in the hopes they don't suffer the same fate as their toxic cousins. In the cauldron our mother developed, I became and prodigious artist and gifted student. I found it funny that Mom was always frustrated that my teachers absolutely loved me, but were absolutely frustrated by her golden children. I'm middle-aged today and am a very successful artist with lots of friends and outlets: the golden children are desperate, greedy, and struggle financially and socially.
This is so true. I naively thought that we could put it all behind us when I hit my 20’s. I had no idea at that age that being a family scapegoat is a position for life. I went no contact in my early 30’s, it was the best decision I ever made. It’s not easy but so worth it.
I can attest that moving far away for a decade allowed me to surround myself with positive people. It was an amazing experience. Moving back has had my toxic family trying to treat me same as ever. I feel like I am able to keep my distance this time by moving out of the immediate metro area, and I also feel like I'll be able to surround myself with good people again. What a difference time and distance have made. 😊
Did you already have the pieces in place before moving? I'm thinking I'm just leaving, but not sure where to go... just know I'll happy deep down that I'm gone
@johnnytsunami3558 Moving which way? 😆 Either way, some things, yes, some no. Finding a job and/or a school you want to attend, along with somewhere to live would be a better way to reroot yourself in a new place than moving on a whim, but we don't always get to plan it all out in life, I suppose. Take care of yourself, and good luck. 🩷
I ended contact with my mother and brother, and by effect the wider family a few years ago. At the age of 57, after much study, it's now clear my own life-long issues all stemmed from a highly dysfunctional family system. I can see it in my nephews too. One golden, and the other (who has just released his first album, and like me in an earlier generation - he's creative) - the 'one with problems." My brother kept up the tradition of dysfunction.
Yeh, the scapegoat relieves them of the necessity to look at themselves. My mother is so defensive, she cannot receive even the tiniest bit of feedback. Her rosy view of herself *must* be reflected back to her, and my Dad obeys like it's the role of his life. So, When I'm the scapegoat, my mum gets to be right, *always* .. and my weak father gets to be strong as one half of a strong couple. he's not strong on his own though so he has to back up Mum. My brother, I guess he just accepts the status quo. I think he understands now though that I will not be manipulated in to pretending I'm ok with their behaviour.
I recently set healthy boundaries with my siblings, I am 65. Just realized nothing Will change. Lots of shame present with my family and lots of secrets. In tried, and I have my children who were treated poorly by my siblings and their children too. Sad it could not be as I hoped and it's ok.
I was my foster family's scapegoat. When I was a child, naturally, I would lie to get out of trouble because my foster parents were so strict. My foster sisters knew this and would lie about things they did and pin it on me just to get me in trouble. It got to the point that even if I were telling the truth, no one believed me because as the scapegoat, I wasn't to be believed. My foster sisters enjoyed seeing me get punished. One hot summer, my sister went to her friends to a sleepover, took my allowance and bought sweets with it. When my foster mum found out I had not put my quarter in the church collection, like I had always done. She wanted to know where my allowance had gotten to. Of course, I said I lost it. A few days later, my foster mother found sweets wrapper in my sewing box when she went for thread. Of course I was chastised, whipped with a switch that left a mark and grounded with a fortnight of washing up. A few days later, I was washing Sunday dishes when our neighbor whom my sister spent the night at her house as she was good friends with her daughter came over for tea. While I was washing dishes, she asked me why I was so silent and I told her I wasn't allowed to talk as I was on punishment. Of course she asked my foster mum what I did. My mum said I had spent my pocket money on sweets and not put my tithe in the collection plate on Sunday as I should. My neighbor shook her head in understanding. Then asked my mum how I was to get to the store when I hadn't left the house in two weeks and was on punishment. Then my neighbor saw the opened sweet packet on the kitchen table. She looked at it and replied that I couldn't have bought those sweets, but she saw my sister buy a packet of sweets when they went to the chemists last weekend. My mother stopped drinking her tea and called my foster sister into the room. Of course my sister couldn't lie about buying those sweets. My foster mum told my foster sister to go get her allowance, and give it back to me. When my sister returned with the money, she purposely stepped on my foot. I decided to take a big swing at her because I had had enough. My neighbor and foster mother pulled us apart. This is when my neighbor saw through the entire roos. She told my mother that I was only eight years old and all the bad things my foster mum had said about me was the doings of an older child. After all she had had six children herself and knew about jealousy and sibling rivalry. What was interesting about this interaction, was our neighbor--not my foster mother--told my sister to apologize to me, to give me my money without kicking me and go finish the washing up. Then she asked my mother why she didn't further inquire how my allowance got stolen the first time because that wasn't the only time my sister had taken my money for sweets. My mother told our neighbor that I lied all the time and she couldn't believe anything I said. She then told the story of me stealing doughnuts and lying about it. Yes, I had stolen and eaten the doughnut after she had given her daughter one and told me no! I figured I pipe up and say as much because I felt unfair treated. Of course this was met with a smack across the face because my foster mother didn't want to hear she was favoring her own child over her care kids. What happened next was my neighbor told my mum to stop scapegoating me for everything that went wrong in the house. Plus, when I visited her house, I had no trouble telling her the truth. My foster mother lost face with her best friend and replied we shouldn't be having this conversation in front of the kids. It just blew my mind that my neighbor saw right through the shenanigans that went on in our house. Unfortunately, the die was caste because I had stolen those doughnuts and I would always be known as a liar to our family, especially my siblings and mum. My foster mother would never admit what she had done was wrong nor did she apologize. When I became an adult I asked my neighbor and my foster aunties if I were really a bad child. One of my foster aunties said that she saw how I along with my foster sisters was treated and thought it unfair, but during that time people kept their mouths shut. My auntie knew I was scapegoated because I was the child who was too chatty, loved to tale stories (tale tales aka lie), was too smart for my age and a truth teller--hence the big mouth. Long story short, I never really stopped being the scapegoat of the family because my foster mum set the tone for how everyone treated me. That said, I voted with my feet and moved overseas. I'm still in contact with my foster sisters, but I am cautious. For my foster sister who stole from me, I know she runs hot and cold and to stay a safe distance. My foster mother never apologized nor has my sister. However, I don't allow them to run over me which is why they dislike me as I have sent boundaries.
My niece and BIL has made my sister the “scapegoat” for their insecurities, distortions, anger, shortcomings, etc. I believe her though. Ive seen them gaslight her all along. I try to help her work through this after the divorce but they keep victimizing her. I will share this video with her. Thanks. ❤
Hi Mary 👋🏾 I’m thankful for the understanding I find on your channel. In my mid forties, 7 months pregnant with 1st child, and getting ready to go no contact with mom & sister…😱 I’ve separated from my father & his side of family & I’ve only realized recently it’s EVERYONE who’s got to go… that it’s a whole family system. Scared is an understatement. None the less, here I go!!! Thank you for the support ❤️✨🙏🏾
Stay brave and strong, Nilaja. You are worth it. Your child is worth it. You can break this cycle and surround yourself by a family of choice, one that is healthy and loving and caring. To your health and success!
@@nilaja-itsmylife they can't relate. They don't know the terror of leaving the "family" that we have known behind to find our peace. Let the healing continue. You be safe, too. Virtual hugs and moral support!
All the best to you! Better to let go of people who are completely unreflected beyond their own benefit and let them waste away in their own emotional dirt.
Yep…loosing my siblings. Sister is golden girl. Brothers are still not getting it so I’m on my own. It’s ok, I have a pretty good support group of friends. It’s 💔 at times, but I’m counting my blessings and focusing on what I have, not what I don’t have.
Traumatic day with Narc mother today which was the culmination of months of her scheming and manipulating to finally dump all the badness on to me. Usual dramas, accusations and then the weeping protestations as I tried to leave. She ruined our family created rifts between siblings has robbed me of any self esteem, primed me for a lifetime of accepting abuse from others and gas lit everyone else in to believing her to be the perfect mother. At 93 she's in robust health. These poisonous soulless entities live forever, only the good die young .....
I've noticed my narcissistic mother is in perfect health ,at 79.. But myself and all my siblings are very ill and lifelong health conditions ,we are in our .50s She will out live us ,I wonder if there is some type of spiritual vampirism, cannabalism where they feed off their children, literally I believe there is something going on. 😮
@@juliedilworth4394 I honestly believe there is some kind of energy transfer. My dad was expected to die within 1-2 weeks of stopping dialysis. But I, as the scapegoat, finally came home to help. While I was there, his labwork improved...... He lived 8 more months, until I had to return home to return to work. :( He died shortly after I left. I honestly believe my narcissistic mother hastened his death. I could feel myself dying too, while I stayed there to help my dying dad.....It took years off my life. I could not stay. After my dad died, I went no-contact permanently. I never even went back for the funeral. My father left a holographic will cutting my mother out completely. I never showed it to anyone. Money cannot buy peace. Freedom from my toxic mother is priceless.
Sounds like my mother. They accuse me of trying to break them up, but I was saying some truth only once and never outside the relationship with the person concerned. I dint smear people. I kept things secret to protect their reputation in the community and the society the run in. Lots of projection by these people. They (she and my father for being a team in this) both taking like 2 ticks snd no dog. ruined any relationship I had with friends, or outside sources of truth, smeared me and made sure they putted my brother against me. Despicable and disgusting but it works for them and they do it because they can.
Thank you, Mary. I have subscribed. I am just at the end of my rope. I so wish I would’ve had the courage to go no contact as a young person. I was ill and there was no where to turn. Anyone who can, save yourself & leave. Never look back.
Thank you for talking about this. I have actually never met anyone who has been through something similar to my experience and when I tell my story people normally don't believe me. They often find me strange. During childhood my mum always blamed me for everything no matter how hard I tried to be good and do everything right. My dad was running business and was very rarely at home, I really don't know what he saw. He was always busy and stressed but I think he had some kind of connection with his heart. He didn't blame me the same way. When I met and married a man it was like continuing to live with my mother. He treated me the same way. (Yes, I know that I made a decision to marry him, but I counld't see who he was (and who I was) when I was 25.) I was in a really bad state during this marriage was sick all the time and I didn't get well until I decided to get a divorce. When I left my ex-husband after 19 years he became very aggressive and full of hate. I locked with double locks but my mother blamed me and invited him behind my back. I wrote a letter to everybody who was invited to the party describing my situation (to my siblings and all of the family but me) but all I got was hate. At this time I slowly started to realize that something was wrong in my family, but I still blamed myself that I couldn’t solve this situation. When my father died in 2012 my mother screamed at me at his death bed that she never wanted to see me again. I found out that she informed the care center that my father had two daughters and not three. They were surprised when I called them. Now I had to grief the death of my father and the loss of my family. It was hard. Very hard. Then my mother played out my children against me she succeeded. My ex husband had already started that process to blame me for everything when we were divorced. So now I basically have no family left and no contact with my children or grandchildren. My mother has never contacted me again, neither has my two sisters. Other people or relatives "around" don't dare to meet me or talk to me in fear of my mothers reaction. They might be excluded as well... Today I start to feel free. But it has been a long journey. I have realized that my upbringing has given me a constant fear inside. It's hard to find your way out of a pattern you've had all your life. Now I’ve sold my house to travel in my van. Maybe I’ll find new friends during my journey (both an inner and outer journey). This kind of information that you offer is really valueble and now I finally start to realize that I’m not alone being treated like this.Thank you.
I went to a hypnotherapist when I was 19 he asked me to describe my childhood I painted a glowing reference. Then he asked me rate it out if 10 & came up with 4 the two didn’t match up. I began to consider the mismatch. Such a useful conversation
A similar thing happened to me when I went to see a counsellor. I underplayed it somewhat then was extremely startled when she said 'oh, you poor dear' and to see tears in her eyes. I didn't realise how bad things were because it was just normal to me. I so agree; it's really useful to see when others react to your situation, isn't it. :)
you are right, I am the scapegoat of huge Narcissists family members, all of them lied to me, bulling me, to take advantage of me, my family members in fact Never Never Never cared me, they wanted me to fall down, Only myself with blind eyes, always want the best for them.
I walked away from the last of my Narcissistic family in 2016. I went no contact, and moved 1000 miles away from them. I was 49 when I just couldn't take anymore. We haven't spoken since, and I'm okay with that. I saved their lives more times than I can count, and all I got in return was CONTEMPT. They talk about me like I'm garbage, but when trouble falls on them, I'm the first one they call. I should have broke contact in 1981! I would have been fully justified to do so. But as you say, I'm trying to be the good son. But nothing I did was ever enough. They always demanded more, More MORE!!! I even warned them, "Your behavior is making me hate you." Instead of changing their behavior, they doubled down on it. "What are you gonna do." I told them the truth, "I'll cut you from my life as I would a cancerous tumor." Then I did. Yes, I left them. But they drove me out. They had abandoned me years before. The only time they wanted me around was when there was work to do, or they needed money. Money they NEVER repaid!!! Everyone has a limit. I reached mine. The only way to stop the abuse is to WALK AWAY, GO NO CONTACT, and NEVER LOOK BACK. I am so damaged I'll never trust anyone enough to have any kind of relationship. I've accepted the life of a Recluse. "It's better to be alone than to be in bad company." George Washington
I really understand what your saying, I've said those exact words to my mother a number of times and she doubles down and gets harder and more controlling I'm at braking point but I can't leave because mum did everything she could to stop me from getting my car licence and when I got married my husband did the same thing, now I'm going through a divorce and once that is over and find a place it will be no contact. I can't wait
Yes. Thank you for posting this. I’m going through something now_ my father played us against each other. He’s gone now. Lots of gaslighting and bullying, the more I try to discuss and resolve things it got worse. You’re right. I was disregarded. Being pushed out of the family legacy. Trouble showing up but I will get back. Need some healing first. I believe they were jealous and I feel shy to shine. I’m sad. I wish my sister was caring. She just can’t be. I’m sad about it. Holiday is the hardest. I’ve lost family and friends. I would like to connect w others this year. 2023. Time to grow. Best to everyone. Healing and find good loving supportive respectful friends. 💜🙏🏻💗
This happened in my old friend group. I can point out two people who refused to handle their trauma. They were bullies and my husband and I got ousted as soon as I noticed and started standing up against it.
I was the scapegoat. I brought that into my workplace and I could never hold a job because I was always scapegoated. I am thinking that I need to go no contact?? hmm. That is an interesting idea. It is so bad, the scapegoatedness in me that I ALSO became the family scapegoat in my OWN family. Meaning the family I created. So I finally left that one too. And I finally left my narcissist so-called boyfriend earlier this month.
In my case; I have to quit the people's pleasing. That's what it gets into trouble. Narcs know when someone is a giver; it shows since we carry the same dynamic that saved our lives but now it turns against us.
This video may be specifically about the family, but the psychological concept (basically trauma-based mind-control) is directly applicable to politics at all levels. Mary Toolan describes very well how guilt by accusation (ie: smear) is effective and why society goes along with it and rarely, if ever, holding the powerful accountable - we "buy into the lie". This has been normalized so deeply in our culture that most people accept it as normal and are unaware of the pernicious (and evil) power of scapegoating. Furthermore, victims of scapegoating often trauma-bond to their accusers in a sort of Stockholm Syndrome dynamic.
These videos are so validating, thank you. Another year with no acknowledgment of my bday, holidays, or the historical winter storm my family and I just went through. I hurt for my kids who are so blatantly ignored, it can be disorienting trying to understand how people can be so cruel. The sibling-parent dance is real, I'm so grateful to be out of it.
Even though your children are being ignored, think about the benefits there are to having children who are not exposed to toxicity and bullying. I'm glad my children were not exposed to this. My choice!
This is so validating. There wasn't a lot of info about narcissism back when I grew up but I knew something was off. The best thing I ever did was move away to university where I discovered that I had value. Then I was love bombed by a guy and sucked into a another narcissist relationship. I was with him for 4 yrs. It felt like everyone was giving me a message but I knew in my heart that I was inherently a good person. After that relationship, I met my husband. My mother didn't like my husband LOL. He just loved me for exactly who I am. He's loving and supportive. There is goodness in the world. My parents are deceased but I still have to deal with my narcissist "golden child" brother however, I limit my time with him and have chosen not to react to his games. In many ways, being the scapegoat is a blessing. I got away and became stronger. My brother stayed at the parental home until both parents passed away. He has no real relationships/friends. He's become a mean, online troll. That's where he gets his supply.
I know what you mean. I actually wrote to my brother after our parents died and discovered how much I had grown healthier, and he had stayed the same. Truly sad.
It does seem like those toxic abusive "loved ones" are being exposed everywhere. That can only help. It is shocking how epidemic the covert abuse is. Makes you wonder why as it is truly epidemic. Seems no contact is the best route to take as the constant character assassinations dont seem to ever die or stop. I've witnessed four generations of entitled bullies with near 100% ill gotten gain. Makes you wonder why and when will it end. This age of head games is a total disgrace to primitive human decency for sure. Keep your peace everyone.
@Susel I agree. The light is shining on those things not before acknowledged, so it seems like something new and epidemic. It is sign of things getting better on this rough road.
I love how well you present this information, Mary. Your balanced, calm, insightful and nuanced messaging is a testament to how far you have come from your family-of-origin trauma. You are an inspiration not only to fellow survivors, but to those who may be unwittingly playing a role in traumatizing others.
Bottom line is, you’re not gonna change it so move along and live life to the best you can. No complaining…don’t try to fight it…she’s in no uncertain terms, telling us that this isn’t going to change. I admire that.
Since calling out my narc mother she has gone no contact on me. Guess that proves all the theories correct. Now I'm mourning for the mother I needed but never received. So much damage with zero accountability. It boggles my mind to say the least🤯
Great video from the perspective of someone who clearly has had decades of personal experience .. I had enough after 51 yrs, I cut the cancer of my family out.. parents, siblings.. .the lot. Thanks for the positive message ❤
Yes, and when you are a highly sensitive intuitive empath with sanguine heart and scapegoat from the family, work, and then healthcare system. Totally c-ptsd now and finally dealing with ALL of it - but sadly, it's hard to find a partner in all of this and no find more gaslighting. It's more painful than anything physical and I had and have a lot of physical pain...even yet...
Nice to know I'm not walking this path alone. My cerebral attic is full of rubbish but at least I know I can clear that out myself. Thanks for speaking about this.
This is the first of your videos that I have seen, and I am sitting with my morning coffee choking back tears. I can relate so completely to what you say. Thank you for validating my experience.
Narcissists hide behind societal norms, whereas a scapegoat is up against a widely held belief, and as such believing the scapegoat usually asks something of us, whereas most often the narcissist will be aligning himself with what you already believe and not asking you to do anything, especially not think too hard, not worry about this other person, stay asleep.
I still have to put up with being the scapegoat occasionally ...I’m 74 and have been no contact with my siblings for about 3 years. They still can’t believe I’ve cut the ties and still find ways to harass me, trying to pull me back into the family craziness. They are mostly alcoholics and have low self esteem and still can’t believe I’m no longer available. It gets easier as time goes by, (for me anyway). My advice to others in this kind of situation; take good care of yourselves and live your life.
Total strangers will treat me better than my narcissist family
I know the feeling. I have always felt that way.
I always say its like I had friends at school and people liked me. My bullies were at home.
When I got to the real world as a traditional college student at age 18, I felt a sense of freedom that was very uplifting. I was also amazed at how easy it was to get along with people outside of my immediate family and how nice most people were. It was such a relief being able to get up in the morning and walk around the campus without being criticized every time I turned around. I was happy to come home when I did for holidays and occasional weekends, but also very relieved that I didn't have to live that stifling and controlled life with my parents and immediate family.
I found the closest to what my parents did to me as a infant and young child is the exact same as this gang that torture me during the covid lockdowns. They both were saying and doing the same patterns.
Gaslighting a 1 year old is F'ed up while feeding them sour rotten food and keeping them isolated in a dark room while only giving me 1 hour a day for sleep.. The one thing that is different is the gang gave me more attention than my parents and their neglect.
Absolutely
Be prepared to never hear from any of them again when you stand up for yourself and have boundaries. Better off finding a new family.
As soon as I started setting boundaries, my family pushed backed (parents and siblings). They were mad that I didn’t allow myself to be their trashcan anymore.
There's relatives, and there's family
Yep. Mil did the same to us when we told her to bankrupt someone else we aren't a place to freeload and get a job. Not heard from her in 2 years. 😁
I like to say, “It’s so liberating...”
Yes, it’s hard in the beginning. It sucks to realize that they don’t really care. At some point (after much reflection and maybe therapy), you’ll realize how much better life is without them. I passed 50 years of life thinking I suffered from dysthymia (chronic low grade depression) and anxiety. After being pushed too my breaking point, I went no contact with my entire large family. I even cut off old friends because they knew my family members. I ended up alone with my teenage daughter. I can’t tell you how much life has changed for the better. It’s not that I don’t have problems, but I don’t have to deal with all the toxic drama and $hitstirring. I feel content 99% of the time. It’s a calm feeling. I might have mistaken it for boring if I was still caught up in everyone’s drama and being blamed for what they do.
The kindest people I have ever known were not members of my family.
The kindest people i have ever known were... dogs!😅
@dani cali thanks. I am okay.
They might be abusive to their closest family members. And my abusive family members are very nice and do good to others. Ppl seem to believe that ppl are the one or the other, where we are both.
Families suck.
This is where a lot of the cognitive dissonance comes in for me - people outside of my family have treated me way better, men outside of my family have shown me that good, nurturing, emotionally supportive fathers do exist etc
The benefit is if everyone is focused on your flaws, nobody talks about the abusers flaws. I once told my mother to stop talking about my life and talk about her own.
Oh my Gosh!! How True. This isn't my dilema. This is what my friend is going through, but she doesn't realize it. Me & another friend look out for her, but I even have to share This news to Her,(2nd friend), so she can look out for our friend better. We're not enablers, we're Encouragers !!!
That's the entire reason they designate a "scapegoat".
Narcy has a hard time staying in their own lane for sure.
Narcissist parents have to label the scapegoat as crazy in case incase the scapegoat talks about the abuse and then the parents can say, don't listen to them because they are crazy
❤
The scapegoat shines light on their darkness. So the scapegoat is the target.
Totally!!!!! And often the truth teller who not only sees their BS but openly challenges it
lol i had a scapegoat target me
@@MonochromaticBlues yes they do target ppl to rebuke them
@@DarkCelestialConsciousnessI’ve certainly started fighting back after years of taking it, can’t just take sucker punches forever without fighting back at some point.
This is my favorite comment. The people who refuse to believe the "scapegoat" or even listen with an open mind have DARK SOULS.
I think people who become the scapegoat are the ones that are perceived as a threat. Either because we think more critically, perceive patterns more clearly, etc. That's very threatening to a narcissist or psychopath, and they pick up on it quickly.
It has taken me decades to twig that my poor parents and older siblings were probably intimidated by me.
yes, because they cannot stand the authenticity - they are running in the opposite direction to their pain and refusing to work through it, thats exactly why hey need a scapegoat
Yes scapegoats are those who are different, yes often truth-tellers by choice or chance, thus can be easy targets of everyone around who need someone else to blame their woes on. My dilemma is not so much within my family as within larger community. Because I’m different, i do attract notice because lm kind, energetic, not a gossip, prefer talking about big issues, love learning, an easy target for others who need to be entertained …. I’ve gotten much better at excusing myself from people who haven’t a strong moral center but in thus day & age, its difficult to find good people as society descends into another kind of dark ages. But i refuse to lower my standards. Luckily my parents were wonderful patents who prepared my ADHD self for success in many ways! But damn community these days post-COVID snd post-my own grief over too much loss in short period of time community is scarce with the descent of fear over the world. Its terrible in the world tiday.
My mother was afraid of me the day I was born. I never cried or fussed and my eyes were wide open in the delivery room.
Many of her narcissistic illusions got put to rest in this lifetime.
Mostly, cause we want the truth. Even as a little kid, we have instinct to know truth from lie, and “out of the mouth of babes”, we may blurt something out that embarrasses the narcissist. If that happens repeatedly, that narcissist has that kid (me), in her (my mother) in her crosshairs. 💔💔. And I was in her mind, the enemy until I moved out at 19, and went no contact 🥳🥳.
Being gaslighted by your family feels like living in the twilight zone. it's almost impossible to get it thorough your own head that this is really happening and you're not the bad guy.
Isnt it strange??? I say that to myself often - how can they do this to their own people? Cruelty and domination occur everywhere and some of us got saddled with those types of family members. Most of my family line on my mothers side are loud, bossy, caustic, verbally abusive women. They had a reputation for yelling and what I refer to as "shrieking" to each other and anybody who disagreed with them. That sound of screaming, argumentative women is such a terrible trigger for me. No wonder men couldnt get away fast enough.
@@FreshGrey-pm4vw it's toxicity in general. I had an epiphany about a perfect place where no toxic people exist. And then I realized it would be so easy we just handle our business and have respect and dignity. I can imagine that place because it's where I want to be and how I want to behave. That place can't exist if not for the rest of these people who are all toxic
Yes!!!!!!
it took decades to learn being forced to live(sharing the same wall) with the family member who SAd me was horribly traumatic and one of the many causes of my depression. Imagine being caught in the act and everyone furious at you. Only years later to be forced to act as if im in one big happy family. Because it disrupted their lives. Their picture of their family. So much pain in one lifetime as an empathic just isn't fair. The healing process is slow going but going on 4 years no contact. I'm no victim.
@@lovelyscorp79 Good for you- so sorry for the pain you went through. Your self care matters so much and efforts to feel validated. We have to go through a kind of deprogramming process. Its worth it.
@@FreshGrey-pm4vw I'll look more into that thank you!!!!! For freedom I give thanks everyday.
They don't want to be accountable, and you weren't supposed to set boundaries... you were supposed to be codependent and keep taking the abuse. The narcs in your family are jealous of you. You are authentic and real and they can't do that. ❤️
My mother literally told me it was a virtue not to tell the truth ‘all the time” meaning some truths are meant to be said and others to be ignored or kept in secret 🙄
@@sirrantsalott Wow.
Exactly 💯
spot on
Quite interesting you talk about strategic default. How are we supposed to pay property taxes when satan controls the only currency and it's use will cost our soul? Even the Annabaptists will have to contend with this issue.
Dysfunctional families need a scapegoat, so they can project all their guilt and shame onto the scapegoat. It makes them feel better about themselves.
This👏🔝
Without having to fix any real problem.
As a result, they never resolve anything, they never own up to anything, they never take responsibility for anything, they shift their crap onto a person they expect to carry it, and scapegoating can eventually do so much harm that it can unalive someone. John 1951 - 2001
Went from being the scapegoat to the black sheep. Now I’m the outcast. I’m ok with that.
I’m at the point that I’m grateful to be the outcast- leave me be! 🫶🏻
Based
We’re a tribe of our own; far-flung yet united on standing for our truth.❤
Same here been that way all my life. 💖
The pathetic people who are cruel to others are so miserable inside that they have a need to make others unhappy. I pity those unhappy people who are mean to others. No luck will come their way.
This doesn't just happen in families. I refused to participate in bullying with a group of my work colleagues, so now I'm being bullied by them, having lies spread about me etc...
It sucks being a scapegoat for others shitty behaviour 😐
So sorry to hear that. A very familiar scenario. I don’t know the answer to it, but you are not alone.
@@pmw3839 that's comforting to know - thank you 🙏
I relate so much to this comment! I have had this dynamic play out at work, and it is hard to overlook the social ostracism and still enjoy the job, even if you love the job.
@@starrycrown I agree - love the job, but sometimes the urge to walk can be overwhelming! It's nice to hear I'm not alone in this scenario 🙏
*"... the scapegoat can do no right..."*
It's a character definition.
Once we are clear about the character role we are playing,
(a) we can move away from the people enacting the other parts in the scapegoat drama,
(b) we can continue to be loyal to that self definition and have other experiences over time that mirror that self-definition, *or*
(c) we can form ourselves a new character, free of the past. Here is where people like Joe Dispenza are very useful to free us from the past.
Getting rid of toxic people leaves room for healthy people to come into your life.
Or just go it alone, internal validation provides for a way better life.
I like that. There is a finite amount of time and space in one's life. The older I get, the less I realise there is left, and if the room is full of toxic people, even when you're related to them, there's nothing to stop you opening the door and stepping into another room.
Not necessarily. You have to work on the part of you that tolerated the situation and behavior
Absolutely. The world is big. There are many good people.... and once you leave the bad people (narcissists, because everything they do breaks the ten commandments), good people are not afraid to enter your life. So many good people in my life, since I left my job full of toxic selfish people who deflected blame for everything. No accountability. It was the same with my family -- since going no-contact after my father died, I've been able to reconnect again with the friends who share my goals and values, and who work to create things instead of tear people down. Good people are the balm for a scapegoat's life.
Where are those people?
I was raised by wolves (metaphorically). My parents were lackadaisical, hateful and didn't keep much of an eye on me as a kid. I got out, I'm an Escapegoat. Get away from the toxic family and never look back.
Good coinage of the term.
That's a brilliant term! May we all be escapegoats and find better fields to gambol and be free in, lol. Love it. :)
Escapegoat. I love it 💯
Oh that made my day! My new label, Escapegoat. Thank you.
I have used that same description. ..& heard Annie Oakley also was "raised by wolves !" We are forced to be "Lone Wolves "...& apparently we are in good company, & not as alone as we thought...♡☆♡
When you say that the siblings will take the roll of abusing the "scapegoat" when the parents are dead is so true. Thank you for saying that!
When my mom died, I thought that finally my siblings will see me and who I really am and start treating me differently. How wrong I was. I try not to be in contact with them, for only few months now. I've cried my eyes out but now I try to keep in mind that they'll probably never change and I can't help them change. I already was the truth teller and therapist(the role my siblings had too)to my mom and she never changed. I can only help myself.
It came as a shock. Took me months to grieve the loss of my 2 sibs, after my mother died.
Happened to me when my grandparents on my mom's side died. They were my "parents" when growing up...everything went downhill after their death. Particularly after my grandfather's death everything finally crumbled down, he passed away first and he was the pillar of the family. Masks fell off after this, but when grandma passed away it just became even worse. Was insulted and kicked out by my brother... he apologized, only because I managed to improve my life without them, and I still talk to him because we have trauma bond I guess, but I will never forget what happened and don't want to visit this place again. What was home became volatile hell
This is my experience and it’s so true. Siblings will look hard at you to find anything at all they can criticize you for.
You know what doesn't make a lick of sense? A sent-photo (of me and my sibling, taken in 1984) through the parent's estate attorney, and the attorney passing a message along from the sibling that said "I love you. Do not try to contact us." I had not tried to contact them in 24 years, so why the impudent declaration, and by what audacity are the words "I love you" put in combination with that? Obviously, they have no idea what love is. On what planet are those two statements conjoined? Crazy.
I think the reason the scapegoat is never believed is because the dynamic is to always put that person down...it's comforting for all victimizing parties...they can feel superior in themselves, and amongst each other. It's like a giant nose all eyes can look down...together...and look away from their own messiness. Once you take yourself out of the dynamic, they all start falling apart individually...and attacking each other...because the favorite and mutual punching bag is gone. Now they have to depend on their own functionality...rather than mutually sponging off of someone else's. The scapegoat is always the most functional person in the group...and once you can get away, you really can come to know this.
Yessss! My family kicked me out back then and a few years later my younger brother actually verbalized: "They always said it was Hannah but once she was gone they were even more mental so that can't be true!" And I was like FINALLY!!! someone comes back to reality. Hallelujah.
I am the scapegoat. New people actually say terrible things to my face when they would come to my family gatherings because they were given the impression that bullying me was the way in. I cannot count anymore how many people associated with my family have randomly approached me in public and not even a hello..an immediate accusation that I am mean or uncaring... its assault actually. And because it makes me sad I am then accused of being mentally ill. Who wouldn't be hurt by this. Its been ongoing for decades.. I never realized others have had similar experiences.
@@jennifervierstraete7987 you are not alone 😊 I talk a little bit each day in upbuilding conversations with people I meet throughout the day and it picks me up. You need to slowly make yourself a new emotional support system. I make freinds with people who don't know each other that way no one can gang up on me and it's easier to fade someone out of your life.
Yes, absolutely. I have learnt this and I know I am the only one who speaks and lives in truth.
@@stroudkelly6868 this is smart
I got away from all of them. I moved across the country and struggled financially just to raise my kids away from these people . And thank God I did .
Hurray! It is so worth it 🙂
Hatred of me unites them. They do the love bombing and then attack. After watching the earlier video on this I cut all contact. They never forgave me for cutting contact before and now I'm doing it again. They all lie, bully, abuse, and backstab. HOW can anyone function normally with them, with that going on?
Same here and I just moved back lol… That’s OK. I do want to be there for my mom’s old or years, but I’m going to have to learn how to keep the separation even though I am close.
Well done! Love for you from me. ♥️
♥️🙏🏻
For any scapegoat here that may be reading this, stay strong and find your inner calm. When you are imperturbable, your life gets so much easier. You don't need to be super successful either as you cannot put a price on peace of mind. Find your rhythm :)
That sounds like a good meditation to do right before sleep.
beautiful advice
thank you
Wow I needed to read this comment TODAY! Thank you 😊
Success is a social construct. Follow gods plan for you. It's different for everyone. A corner office isn't the goal. I'm a baker. Married two boys and a dog
As a scapegoat I feel like I carry a very heavy guilt for nothing. I don't know how to be free of it.
same its exhausting
I’m working on letting that go. This is generational trauma in the form of toxic shame and it’s not my job to carry it. I’m done carrying the weight of other people’s pain.
@@dnk4559 I'm seeing a therapist but it's slow going.
@@tessthemermaid7742 gosh, I feel the same way. I’ve been doing EMDR and she understands family systems and trauma so that has been very helpful. I am trying to be patient. It’s taken me over fifty years to understand what was going on so I’m trying to see the time and money I’ve spent in therapy in journaling etc as necessities to overcome fifty years of maladaptive ways of thinking that somehow if I tried hard enough and explained myself well enough my family would finally see the light and want to get well and we could all have a good life together. Ugh, I was so naive.
Their intent is for you to experience this. Be gentle with yourself
They destroyed every success i had... for 40 years... i retired far away from them. My success is peace, calm, and solitude. I finally realized i don't need them, they needed me- i was always on my own.
After some yrs of distancing myself from the angry mob of a family I was abused by, I re-entered the family for about a yr. What I saw was very disturbing. My mother who always had scapegoated me, came against me twice as hard because she recognized I had grown and become stronger emotionally. I literally watched her orchestrated attacks again and again and realized she is imprisoned in this cycle of abuse. What a very sad life she has lived. I definitely felt empowered being able to set boundaries and walk away, again. Some people are truly mentally unstable and we must take control over what we allow others to do. *For me, the bottom line was facing that I was an orphan and had to find the strength to walk away from the only family I ever knew. Yes its lonely at times but not nearly as horrible as being gas lighted, betrayed, rejected, hated and criticized by my mother and siblings. I feel free despite that it took until age 63 to completely walk away!
@jim ster yes its a deep wound when our own blood rejects us....but there are only 2 choices. stay in the abuse or set yourself free. all the best to you.
@@jimster-lb6we I can so relate to your comment. With me, there is always the temptation to try again, but I know the hurt it would cause me. When they pass away, the grief will be over what could have been and never was. I recently heard a Jordan Peterson podcast about lessening rumination by looking into hobbies that we can immerse ourselves into, so I'm looking into table tennis, ballroom dancing, and chess.
Wow I wonder how good that feels , MashaAllah , I hope I find the same peace you’ve found 🫶🏻✨
@@muslimwarrior9891 I hope so too!
Yes reconnecting with my golden child sister was not a good move It lasted a few years and took me a while to realise that it was affecting my mental health
She corrected every thing I said I started saying 'thank you for that correction' every time she did it and when I'd said it about 20 times in an hour she got the message It lasted for about 2 years before she reverted Then it was worse than before
It always astounds me how many of us there are. Wishing my fellows resilience and a healthier and better life without the toxic family xo
Wishing the same for you with extra blessings
I'm starting to believe there are just two kinds of people in this world.
I heard that the scapegoat is the truth teller. The honest one & they can’t handle it.
I was the scapegoat for being different: smart, organized, insightful and hard working. I left home at 18 y.o. and they envy and hate me even more that I was successful in college/graduate school and successful at work . They so wanted me to return home depressed and broken.
Same here, my family hated me for being a critical thinker and calling them out on their behavior. They would call me up tight for having my room clean and being organized or having a good memory which they hated. My mom is a nut job psychologist (with no boundaries on privacy ironically) and thought something was wrong with me cause I wasn't messy and chaotic like her and my siblings. They made fun of me for cleaning my room or tucking my shirt in or dressing up for formal events like the rest of my cousins and extended family who I really respected and treated me with respect unlike my immediate family. I think they also hated that the rest of the extended family really loved me and always asked about me and growing up they came to my sports events, musical performances and gave me support when my mother didn't want me even playing sports and tried to emasculate my brother and I. My extended family are conservative and my mom is a so called liberal but now she hates them and calls them white supremacists and doesn't want to talk to them. My mom is white, my dad a black Latino and I never heard ANY of my extended family (other than my grandfather) say anything racist towards me or my ethnicity. It's really sad cause they are really good people but I can't communicate with them or I'll be intwined with my immediate family again. I'm also the one that moved the furthest away from home and never came home for Thanks Giving or Christmas haha! Sorry for the rant.
they love that - deleting self is the best outcome for them, you disappear and they get supply of being parent who lost their bad child -
Always. College they frown
My mom said, “boy you think you’re hot shit don’t you?” When I got accepted to college/
she tried to talk me about of going.
I like you left home at 18, legal age. Don't look back.They will envy and hate you until the day they die. It is part of who they are, if not all.
"Not everybody will treat you as cruelly as your parents and your siblings did." That hit home - for a long time I always wanted to return to my family, not realizing consciously that they were the least welcoming people in my world. Now I'm in an excellent healing program, I've keep no contact with most of the family.
Same here. Fuck 'em!
Perfectly said. It takes a great dwal of work to overcome their incessant screaming, cussing, hitting, burning of possessions but it can be done. But you must always keep that fence up because they dont give up even for 1 second to attempt to hurt you. Living well and w/out their influence is the best revenge there is.
People WILL treat you badly. Human beings like to kick others when they are down. Fact.
@@lisastillion2937
I think it is easy for the innocent-hearted to imagine that with great passage of time, those people will grow and develop beyond their earlier behavior, and with great passage of time and healing, we can forget the realities of their propensities. It is hard to fathom people as you've described: I've been no contact since late 1993, almost 31 years, the scapegoating N parents are gone, only one sibling (older, flying monkey, well trained in narcissism, 76 years old) and their N spouse and their grown children remain, and yet with awareness of their past behaviors, and the knowledge of the N's tactics and the passing of the scapegoating-torch to my sibling, and the reading of these comments, it seems clear that they are still not stable, yet after all these years, I would have thought that at least my sibling might have wised up. How is it that the rest of us grow and mature, yet they don't, seemingly at all? Very strange. It is hard for me to fathom.
Now the uncle that got away makes alot of sense😔
Unfortunately, my chronically belittled uncle - the best of them all, IMHO- died years ago, at age 67, overweight, alcoholic and depressed.😢
@@1timbarrett oh hell naw 😭
WOW --- I just thought of mine, *right before I read this.
same for me!
I have an aunt that got away and it makes so much sense now. I was told she was weird and crazy. Now I’m the weird and crazy one.
I was/am the family scapegoat. In my 20's (before I realized it), I married an emotionally abusive guy, typical cycle of abuse. After a couple of years, I knew the guy was out of control (just like my biological family) and I felt he would get worse and kill his significant other. After much drama, I divorced him. My biological family sided with him as they chose not to believe me. My feelings didn't matter. 20 years later, I found out he's in prison for murdering his ex-girlfriend. It occurred to me, my biological family wanted SO BADLY to make ME the bad guy, that they made a murderer, a "good guy". Wow.
Ur comment sounds so familiar except my ex that they still love so much…he didn’t murder anyone but was arrested and convicted of 49 felony burglaries the first round and 14 more the second round…and somehow my family believes I was involved…my brother and sister even planted evidence in my storage and turned it in to the cops to try getting me arrested and not my ex…wtf.
@@w8what575 OMG! THat's even worse than my biological family! Do you have the option of moving FAR away from them and never looking back? Your family sounds downright dangerous.
@@Julia-b9x exactly.. i did it.. i moved to another country.
@@lunahora5512 Nice! Congratulations! Chances are biological family will never realize their wrongs, it will always be "We have no idea why she moved, we have no idea what got into her....." They have to stay in denial in order to not take responsibility for their behavior.
Yes.. they will never dear. I moved 6 years ago from Portugal to the UK and I rarely get a call from them.. its almost Christmas day and the only person that called me from my family was my mum, as always. But thanks dear. It was still the best decision I could have done
It’s hard for people to hold more than one image of people in their minds at one time. For example, it’s hard for people to believe that a banker who helps in his community and church can also be a child molester behind closed doors. And…some of the abuser’s supporters are just exactly like him.
Such a good point Kelly. SO many people lack basic critical thinking skills
Absolutely. It’s so easy for a man in a position of authority with a pleasant outward appearance and a likeable face to be downright evil, because everyone projects their own love, light, and ethics onto him. If he momentarily does something odd or sketchy, most people will give him every benefit of the doubt and make excuses rather than paying very careful attention to what just happened.
@@scapegoatchildrecovery I've been mobbed and gaslighting at work for over 12 years till present. Full of NPD cowards at work and will end up exposing themselves.. I'm a top worker, jealous of me big time and of my money and condo too. Defamation of character. Saying I'm a stalker, I drink, I'm crazy. All bs. Managers are scared of the bullies, they do nothing, union, police are all totally useless too. Toxic workplace in healthcare. Been working 38 years and never been suspended. Action speaks louder than words. But this crap never ends trying to scare the women at work, all the insecure and toxic women. I will never quit due to these lazy bums with no life. These 2 guys should be locked up and have the manager fired.
People have many faces
It makes sense that they would attack the talented one if they feel unhappy with themselves and their lives.
You don't even have to be talented. You might just follow rules, behave in school, get good grades, get into a good university, have a profession, marry someone who is kind. I think my family really reacted when I married a really decent, hardworking, down to earth guy. It was obvious he loved and respected me and that our marriage would last. That just didn't fit the loser image they wanted me to have.
@@nancybartley4610 wow this is sooo accurate 💖
Jealousy is at the core of NPD.
Very true but as children we didn't understand that or even if we kind of did understand our level of understanding wasn't as in depth as it is now
@@arsenelupiniii8040
Search results said jealousy was not at the core, but that it was a feature.
I was the golden child but became the scapegoat when I challenged the gaslighting covert narc mother. Father was enabler and gaslit too. Reached out to sibs who just ignored me due to indifference. I've left them all in my wake with no regrets. I refuse to have relationships with toxic people, now I keep myself safe.
This is my story too. I was the golden child now turned scapegoat and black sheep. Same, I called out my covert narcissist mom for stealing millions from my recently deceased father. That was the last straw that broke my back. Never looked back.
And get this, my siblings did NOT want to do a thing about it despite WE are all rightful heirs. They have her under her spell and she has them believing there is no will.
Excuse me? Millions and no will? My father was a professionally successful man and ran a legal and accounting firm. 🤯
Takes courage x
Same.
Me too. Two years no contact (finally)
a counseller asked me how i managed to break the cycle,my reply was this,it wasnt hard,i just did the complete opposite of my mother ,i would never want my child to feel the same way i did
Thanks for the emphaty. To the fellow scapegoats, i hope you'll have an amazing day today, even if a lonely one.
A Peaceful One!!
@@taffylove6193 Yes! Absolutely. That more than anything else! We deserve it!
There's being alone and there's being lonely. Imho scapegoats are best positioned in learning how to avoid the one and embrace the other.
Bless your heart ❤️
Solitude with peace is awesome! Put your energy into yourself and your interests. Give the abusers no more.
This is so true, I was the scapegoat and still am. People dismiss me, ignore me and even mock me no matter what I say and do. They love to show contempt in some way or another every time we are together. They suck all the joy out of the room as soon as they walk in, so I avoid them as much as possible.
Same ! That’s why I been NC for a month now with two family members and I decided I’m
Not doing anymore family get togethers with them ever again. No Xmas , no b day celebrations with them , no holiday get togethers at all. I might meet once in a blue moon with them for a restaurant get together then go home straight after. I have no desire to be anywhere near them for anything for a lengthy time. They can find someone else to be their scapegoat. I am putting my house up for sale in august and I am moving hours away if not another state. Then I won’t have to worry about them showing up at my door. Weird thing tho .. I moved away for 5 years. Came back and nothing changed. They don’t change. You have to
Same
@@ccalexander1924 I have pretty much made a rule that "IF" I see any of them again it will be on my turf one on one, no others around. They seem to feed off one another. They are far less likely to pull their nonsense when it is only them alone. They need others to validate what they do, they are the weakest people ever.
They suck all the joy out of the room - Yes, I said something very similar recently - They suck all the air out of the room………I felt suffocated, likeI couldn’t breath 😧
@@debrajorgensen2730 ppl can say the same for a broken empath scapegoat
I know in my case why i was the scapegoat. My mother set me up from birth. She could hide her failed relationships from everyone because Tiffany was bad. I was labeled a liar as soon as I could talk. It worked but she lost me. She still does it. I finally realized one day that I can't be blamed for being there and not being there. If your life is still bad when I'm gone, then you just make poor decisions.
They don't even have logic; they are not bright people. They aren't rational, they make stupid statements, ask stupid "questions," and do stupid, self-destructive things that guarantee they come out the loser. Their narcissistic practices are not sustainable, they are self-destructive.
My family just tells people "oh, don't listen to him, he's crazy" when I speak the truth, or anything else at all.
Same here
Every person I have ever interacted with, who has not met my family, treats me with respect and usually seeks out my guidance or advice in a wide array of matters. Every person who knows me through my family treats me like I am a moron and openly mocks me and laughs at me when I express completely normal thoughts and ideas as if I am some sort of clown. I live in two worlds.
@pdizzle5302 can 100% relate
@@pdizzle5302
I can totally relate to this complete mind f*ck!
It is actually another part of the scapegoating "crazy making behaviour" that all scapegoats have to endure.
Exactly what you describe I'll give you 2 examples from my own experience:
I was earning £100k a year as a Digital Business Partner (yet I was a feckless waster apparently!) and whilst at a family friend's one evening when asked how the job was - upon me saying it was stressful I was immediately slapped down with "all jobs are stressful....." Dismissed!!!
At another occasion at our family home a Sunday dinner was happening - surrogate auntie types in attendance. Twas 2019 and Boris Johnson was Prime Minister. I expressed opinion that he was infact a sociopath. One of the surrogate aunties (the one closest to my parents) immediately said "Well I don't agree with you!"
Ok I said that's fine but then I had a sudden epiphany so I asked her "out of interest, do you know what a sociopath is?"
She said "No I don't!"
Just wow!
This is when you realise how openly cruel these flying monkeys can be.
I have no idea about the opinion you just gave but you're still wrong because it's you....!
@@pdizzle5302I can relate to this 😞 my family treats me like shit but then is so nice to the outside world and I look like the crazy one
My mother started to slander me to other family members and friends from my early teen years on.. so i didnt stand a chance. I was a rather shy kind and minded my own business. She on the other hand was 'bubbly' (fake), gossiped and was on some sort of superior moral throne. So she kinda enchanted them. She is very good at planting seeds about others in someone's mind, i saw her do it all the time with other people.
There is no worse betrayal than your own parents (who are supposed to be our ultimate defenders) choose to attack their children rather than protect them. They seem to get a great thrill out of slandering and insulting their kids and their listeners are just as toxic as them for entertaining those type of conversations. I always think it's a huge red flag when a parent starts speaking badly about their own children with no justified reason for doing so.
Mines the same and she thought I was jealous because “she’s so gregarious “ 😂 I actually enjoy being quiet and not socialise with people. I prefer non human animals to humans ones. My mother never believed me about that when I stated it but I meant every word and still do
@@bakedbeans9546It’s disgusting behaviour. They aren’t parents they’re dementors
That's why I went no-contact with not only close family, but all relatives and anyone else they are even potentially in contact with. Watertight. That way there is no reason to worry about what anyone believes.
Thank you so much for your comment. I hope you might see mine. I did the same. It had to be WATER TIGHT! Yes. Off with every single human being who knew them. Water tight. That was how extreme I had to do this to get rid of them. I am changing my NAME right now to ensure they cannot ever approach me in any way. I even ask God to keep them away from me in the next life, if there is one. It’s too much. Love to you ♥️
@@rs5570 thanks! I did see it now. Honestly it made my life a little worse for 1-2 years. Nailed it down to moat likely guilt (especially regarding my mother. Might be biologically hard wired in some of us) But I'm better of in the long run. And I've had a new spring so to speak, on/off, since last may. No I finally seem over the hill. Good luck & lasting peace to you! The steeper the climb, the more you enjoy the view from the top!
@Susel I get that! Me too. I can even (or could), without even notice it, feel guilty towards some of the worse even (and o/c the collateral damage, including two brothers from another mother) Caused me to rage in imaginary discussions to defend myself..
After 1/2 years I nailed it down to a flash of guilt I would feel in the chest, usually when I felt good and asked myself (probably b/c hypervigilanse), could ever thing be cool and peacefull..? I'm over the hill now I think. Meditation and pranayama.. peace and good luck!
Yes… I can see why you just make it absolute. I’m thinking of going no contact with all of them, but there’s one good friend who’s loosely associated with my family and I want to keep her In my life. How do I do that?
Yup, my ex taught me how to let it go, and showed me how to disappear. I would bet she thought I would curl up and die. Nope, quite the opposite and since my blood relatives sided with her smear campaign, they are also dead to me.
"Not everyone in the world will treat you as hurtfully or as cruelly as your parents did." I've yet to see that bear out. Since I've created healthy boundaries for myself I've found many people to be outright hostile. Our cultural values are themselves toxic, people are incentivized to be toxic, and this is evidenced by perceived increases in the rates of mental illness (including empathy disorders) over time. I honestly just prefer to be alone now.
Same...isolation is awesome and the only peaceful era of my nearly 40 years alive. People suck...objectively.
Cats are kinder than people.
Dogs are kindest of all
@@mrnice7570 Not if you have a Siamese cat. They're puppy-cats. Or Burmese. Only they're better than a dog, because you don't have to take them outside to go to the bathroom and walk them, unless you want to. I have my Siamese cat leash and harness trained, so we romp outside.
@@lilyw.719 awesome 😎 but no cat can outdog a dog lol
They not just make you believe you'll never find acceptence out there, they make it sure and do everything to bring you down.
So true
That is an interesting point about not find acceptance out in the world. It is true. My family invested a lot of energy in making me believe something was wrong with me. I bought it hook. line and sinker!
Even to the point of setting you up in the first place!
Yep. Just think about how bizarre of a person one must be to do that to others. Just the absolute level of mental weirdness these toxic people are imprisoned in.
And then when you get into a situation that sabotages and lets that lie play out, you feel they were right. But it’s the only way to be someone to somebody but a self destructive way.
Grieving it all is hard and seems like you wont survive. Some of us don’t survive this and take our own lives.
My brother told me I was "pushing a narrative" about the abuse that I endured up until no contact. When I told him that I am staying to myself from now on, he told me "well now your just being a bully"
Wow..... now that's some cognitive dissonance.... being a bully by leaving them alone to face their own consequences and shortcomings..... *HUGS* Glad you got out of that cesspool. For me, every day away from my abusers improves my life, slowly but surely. I hope life is better for you now, also.
You cannot win and it is designed like that. If you cannot play the game like the others, you are punished and they make sure to show you how much more they are getting and their supposed superiority. Always one down or nothing.
Proving you can live without them may help, but its for you/us. By then going back is so empty. Finally being done and accepting the loss but never again letting it happen in our current lives. Ever
I went no contact after recovering from my illness and I think they are thinking I am just bullying them with it.
"Not everyone in the world will treat you like your parents did." That is a critical point to make. I thought the world was going to be as cold as my parents. I found the world much better than my parents.
...."taking a hit for the team"........YES, it still boggles me that I kept taking hits for over 60 years, only to try one last time and collapse from the grief of reality......it was a TEAM OF JUDASES and I had wasted my life trying to believe they would treat me better. UGH. Thanks for your awesome videos, Mary. Bless You and All who are here to absorb this priceless info.
@@cjjohnson7095 Oh my, you just made my day with your snort. High Five to you and our Anti-Judas Squad here with Mary, wooooo hooooo!
@@zeldafedak9428 Your original comment really touched my spirit!
My "team of Judases" would slyly claim that since they all got on so well, the problem MUST have been me.
So liberating to find out just the opposite was true.
Thank you
Yup, team of Judases is a good one - I call mine a pit of vipers! 😂
That is me too, I'm 61 and I think I know now more, minimal contact is the way.
I wasted nearly my entire life also....sorry for us.
I have tears running down my face as I feel the hurt of my scapegoat past, ( I was the 'mad' one). There was such deep hurt which I am only now realising at 76 I hardened myself against feeling. I blocked the hurt to cope. I spent my life trying to figure it all out, seeking counsellor after counsellor while not understanding what the problem was. Eventually after discovering alcohol I took myself to AA at 62 and thats when healing began for me. Oh Mary . Thankyou for these videos. They are hundreds of years overdue.
Sending you ♥️♥️♥️
I am 69 and am finally learning to make my life about me. As my family scapegoat I was always scrambling around trying to please and appease those around me. I can't always keep the hurt and shame out of the picture, but at least I finally at least know that I deserve to be safe and happy. In the time we have left we have to give ourselves all the attention and love that we always should have had. Sending you a hug from this rock in the Mediterranean where I seem to have landed.
@@katella Thankyou for your kindness from a Rock in the Mediterranean ! I have very happy memories of my time on my own in the Mediterranean. Freedom, peace, and joy. I have learnt to take good care of me and have never been happier. Thanks Again.
Thanks for sharing your story. Very similar to my life’s story. I could never figure out why my life was so miserable as a child. Now it all makes sense.
Wishing you healing and peace! 💗
My aunts, uncles, cousins etc.. will always see me as the black sheep. I have BPD caused by my parents, but nobody knows that. It is an immediate family secret. 🤫 If people knew how I was treated behind the scenes it would make my parents look bad - especially my dad. He has such a stellar reputation. Everyone thinks he’s just so fantastic. Why would anybody believe the “crazy” child? 🤷🏻♀️
💯 Resonate, understand and empathise. Ah the whispers and judgements against us on the slippery slide of confusion and self doubt. ;Although I was greyrocking, it's been hard coming to terms with my dramatic personality change. Somehow along the way, I became a codependent type resulting in further isolation, poor relationship choices, dangerous living, low self esteem, blame, shame, guilt, immaturity, fear & the list goes on ... We are strong and united in numbers now that many of us are waking up and walking out ❤
i share this story
I do believe you. 😊
@@naturallivingwomanoh, I livd that one. If you have any trauma response based on the trauma caused by your family members touching have to keep secret they use it to discredit you and accuse you of accusing them and making stuff up.
They can seem luke the “poor victimized beleaguered parents of their very mentally ill adult child”. Then they get all the sympathy and tell their manipulative story to all.
Its damed if you do, damned if you don’t.
Wow thats sadly how my family is as well. My dad did a lot of bad things but its been like everyone keeps these blind folds on. They all see him as the hero the most loved and talked about person in the family. When I was a teenager I told a therapist I was having flashbacks of my dad abusing me as a kid. My mother made me stand next to her and watch her as she called everyone in my family to let them know what I had told the therapist. After being treated so badly I became suicidal thinking it was the only way I could escape verious forms of abuse by my mother and several others I tried to kill myself. I met some good people in the support group and went home feeling empowered and beginning to heal. The next time I openly talked to the therapist about the abuse my mother lied and said I was making suicide threats she had me hospitalised to shut me up about the abuse. I had a panic attack while in there listening to my mother make things up about me and the doctors refususing to hear my truth so they drugged me up and most of what I remember of the remaining weeks in there was being slouched over a wheel chair and asked "are you gonna talk about your father again?"
"They can do no right." Nailed it!
I was pretty much told I was wrong since birth.. I was wrong for being left handed, wrong for being a tomboy instead of a girly-girl, wrong for not taking sides, wrong for not complying/going along with the gaslighting, etc.. and I married men that repeated the same message, insisting I didn't know what I was talking about when confronting them for compulsively lying, spending, drinking/drugging, manipulating and controlling the narrative within the family that I am this terrible bad person, because I was wrong for divorcing them. Sadly, I finally saw last week that my children (trained to be flying monkeys) just continued the disrespect, verbal, and emotional abuse of the narcs, and firmly believe I am always wrong and/or crazy. I didn't understand narcissism for fifty years and firmly believed that there was something wrong with me because everyone seemed to say there was.... but if it were true, I would NOT be able to have healthy friendships with my gal pals for over 15 years, and relationships with my business clients, (some I have built friendships with) over the last 5 years, since opening our office. I was told I would never be able to be successful on my own in business but I am doing pretty well and things are much easier since I decided to have no contact with the narcs and the monkeys. After all, since I am such a bad person they shouldn't want to be around me.... its for their best interest ya know? LOL
Yes, right on point ! The lunatic bunch that I was born into had so much anger against each other from prior decades of dysfunction. As a young child, I used to put myself in the line of fire constantly because I would always be nice. It always became a verbally and / or physically abusive moment as they openly mocked my kindness. It was very confusing for a young child to be called names and assaulted .
I walked away 27 years ago and, by God’s grace, my life is amazing now and that’s the BEST revenge. You are very insightful, happy I found your channel ✨
Yeah, I just found this channel today. I like this channel too.
I suspect a great way to live our best life is in such a way that our enemies will be jealous. If we were thinking about them, ever.
♥️Love
I think God brought me here.
Very wise! Love ♥️
I'm learning so much from all your videos. I'm facing another lonely Christmas on my own but I would choose been lonely over been around sick toxic people everytime... 😍
Me too.
I pretend the "holiday season" doesn't exist. Otherwise, even though I've been alone for many years it can be a bit sad. I make a plan for some creative project. That way, I'm gladly doing it and happy afterwards with the results. That 's my way of dealing with holidays alone. It is now just about me and doing something that is good for me. That's what holidays now mean to me and there is not much time to feel abandoned. Cheers to being safe and productive! 🌻
It is not an easy road, Dee, but I wish you much happiness in the future. Spoil yourself this Christmas …. if you read, get some good books to read, make yourself a lovely dinner and watch some good movies or series on Netflix. It takes time but having good friends who actually support you will be your reward. ❤️🇨🇦
@@mmmmlllljohn Thank you for that lovely comment. 😍
@@deedurkin9879 ❤️
Oh my word this is 100% spot on my entire life experience and story. Not to mention the gaslighting as well that happens. You're not only disbelieved but then told you're crazy, "it never happened", "you're lying" and on and on...the redemption will be with my own kids and family.
❤ I'm trying to rescue my kids from the same abuse that I went through but still having to deal with my abuser makes it very difficult
❤
I hope that your own kids and family redeem you. Mine did not. Still, this does work out for some.
If your not lucky and you become the family trashcan yet again, just remember you can start over. It may not be the same life you wish you had but it's as good as you make it. Anything is better than sticking around for abuse.
I remember when my amazingly kind therapist said these words to me...."You matter"....I balled my eyes out with relief.....I'd like to say to any empath that may happen to read this, You Matter.
❤
It's sad, but somewhat reassuring to know that one of the reasons scapegoating is used, is that the family system doesn't want to look at its own pain. Sometimes i question, " why am I having to 'feel' for everyone else and work through so much trauma, etc?" when they're not bothered and now I know!
The benefit for scapegoating is no one has to self reflect.
So they deflect. I’ve been with groups where everybody talk to me and not each other, couples and people who were supposedly best friends…
Growing up in a dysfunctional family is truly like being raised in a cult. The more abusive, the more controlling and cult like. I was/am the family scapegoat. I told my mother I was the family scapegoat when I was probably 12-14 years old! The scapegoat is always the truth teller. We want to bring things to light. The scapegoating also has occurred in my extended family. When you think about it, the abusive parent, or parents know what they are doing and are covering their own behinds. Oh, and I could also see the manipulative divide and conquer plays that were meant to divide my sisters and I.
I realise, only in hindsight that I was the scapegoat in my family and even to some extent to the extended family.
I refuse to ‘play this game’ anymore; I restrict my presence to those who want to bully me, even my 2 eldest adult children want to bait and bully me. My family is full of narcs.
It is easy to avoid them; I don’t organise any family events anymore as I don’t enjoy it.
I spend time with my youngest loving son and his gorgeous girlfriend and only 1 other cousin. The rest of my social group is just a few friends.
The narcs are looking a bit bewildered lately 😂
Yes , even on to the extended family
I wish I could have liked this twice!
💙
I quit trying to get close to my parents when I was eleven. Now I'm older and I'm fed up with the rest of my family,. I'm ready to leave them behind too. Enough is enough!
It's true you become emotionally self-sustaining, you learn to take care of yourself. But if you're not careful, you will draw the same kind of people as your family to you. But once you realize this you will allow better quality people into your life.
I’m the SG… thank you for reminding me of all my gifts and talents that go ignored by my “family”. I’ve realized that they are actually jealous of me on many levels and criticize me by saying “you are too smart for your own good” I speak 3 languages fluently …and they are limited to one that they use as hate speech to me.
I was the Golden Child and then the Scapegoat! Fifty years ago, I moved out at 17 years old from a home with 2 NPD parents. Looking back, I dont know how I managed it, but then graduated high school, flew myself 2 thousand miles away, graduated college, then grad school, and then had a private practice in psychotherapy! Ironicall, my parents are in their nineties and my siblings are still recruited... so Im still the scapegoat, conveniently, in their eyes!
What a story. I moved from a little town in Appalachia to London because I needed to be that far away from their reach. I knew they couldn’t touch me or find me there. I was right. It still feels too close.
👏🏼 well done
You did very well, against all odds! I left home around 16 and finished school. I went on to attend college & university. I was also in the Navy and did very well. I never got compliments from the family.
Very interesting, late in life I realize the breadcrumbing from sisters, so disappointing over and over. We do long for that connection with people we have known the longest....but its an illusion.
Thank you.
Breadcrumbing... Is that like when my sister gave me some of her Harry and David pears that had gone bad last Christmas as my gift? 😂 Or when my Grandma gave me her half eaten birthday cake for my birthday? I'm like "wow, this is so generous of you guys!" 😂 My family is so toxic. I'm their 4th scapegoat. The 3 before me have all died.
@@rubyrainsongomg how do you deal with it? I’m just trying to figure all this out for myself.
@@rubyrainsongi did not know there was a term for that! My brother has done that. He sold out to my parents who spoil him and his kids. They got him to go after me because it served him in many ways.
I overheard him talking someone that he wasn’t giving it away cheap, to them. The inly time he faked being nice to me was when he was in love and dating my and his 2nd cousin who had been my friend not his growing up and for some time. After college.
His rebound from divorce. Then went right back to being nasty to me because of his bitterness about his divorce.
He hides behind his new wife now and just gives me crumbs but I need time to tell him how horrible what he did to. Me was and also maligning me to his kids.
He also bad mouthed me to my friend/cousin. They kicked me at my lowest point.
My father golden childed brother behind closed doors. He gave me a fraction of that time. I never remember him hugging or ever him telling me he loved me . Dysfunctional family. The scapegoat child can be confused and suffer for years . Thank you .Peter
It's a very cruel and callous/jealous system of dysfunction. Your father wasn't worthy of you, Peter.
They don't know how to love or hugged. They never were taught to love or anything so I give that to your kids and your family u have now
Toxic family relationships is the gift that keeps on giving. It took years before i fully realised that my extended family also avoided me like the plague, except when they wanted something from me.
You are correct about the “gift that keeps on giving”! I’m an “escaped goat” now!
@@dnk4559 Yes, Mary has done a good job joining all the dots. It took me a long time to understand why I was invisible to my family and extended family. Why were there no photo's of me proudly (not) displayed on the mantle place or no visits by family members when they travelled around places near to me. Still, I am very grateful for a loving sister that has always being there for me and used to stand up for me when I was being abused.
@@davidmchugh-hypnotherapist7213 I’m so sorry you have also had a similar experience. It’s a hard thing to have to face but it now makes so much sense and really explains so much of what I had experienced with my Narcissistic parent who recently passed.
@@dnk4559 Everyone gets affected in some way or other and can split a family as well. I wish you well in your healing journey.
@@davidmchugh-hypnotherapist7213 thank you and the same to you!
Very well explained. Almost 50 years in the role of scapegoat. Very ill and exhausted. I don't want to write about my youth, because I'm in a fase of forgiveness and healing within my family. But I experienced this mechanism too at schools, workplaces and neighborhoods. Even the healthcare system, where I asked for help and medical care. (which I didn't get) Everywhere. I'm totally abandoned and declared as outlaw by the system.
I was a very sensitive and caring person. (yoga, meditation, reiki, years of therapy and training, wrote books about trauma and mobbing) But at 55 I just hate people!
Thank you for the caring and soothing words.
well put. Still hoping to meet some kind people, because even the other meditation, yoga, massage school people all became more greedy and less empathetic. I worked really hard on owning what I brought to the table. Not sure what else to do? Isolation takes a toll too.
@@ScarletClementine It does. I think spirituality is for a lot of people an interesting hype for their ego. We have to be careful who to trust.
if the leader of the group blames or insults you the others often feel the need to chime in
I love it Mary! I'm proud of you! I played family caretaker (was parentified), but didn't necessarily felt I was the SG as a child. As I got older, I started noticing that I would be SG'd when I started speaking up & calling stuff out. I walked away too & only want healthy connections in my life. I don't have any desire to connect with those dysfunctional people in my family!
Well done. ♥️🙏🏻🙏🏻
I was the caretaker too but was the youngest so it's even harder for people to believe especially even when they (whom i helped) denied my role (while Still benefitting from my past sacrifice).
Realizing that I was the scapegoat of the family clears up so many things that I was indecisive about. Thank you so much.
The damage my family done to me was devastating I finally worked it out at age 67. I have had no contact with them now for three years now and it’s been fantastic not being told you don’t deserve anything and hearing from other family and friends all the lies
This is so true. It took me a long time to understand that it wasn’t that they didn’t believe me, it was that they needed me to be the person they looked down on and blamed everything on. I never could understand why I needed to be perfect all the time, and it still wasn’t enough. Everyone else got to make mistakes and have normal human flaws, and they were still viewed as being wonderful. I get it now, they had a lot of shame, and needed to have someone in the family that was beneath them to make themselves feel better. I sometimes have this shuddering fear when I think about what would have happened to me if I hadn’t found a way to escape them. Even moving away and not being involved in their dysfunction didn’t stop them from blaming me for it. I remember after I first moved my grandmother kept telling me how well everyone was doing now that I wasn’t there to stress them out, and then her totally blaming me when the police showed up to break up one of my parent’s fights.
Maybe they were fighting over who was to blame for driving you away. so it was your fault. " Can't you do anything right?"
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 Yes but they gonna hide that they were fighting over the scapegoats they keep that in secret f
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
It's insane to blame you for something you're not even there for. This is how you know that they know exactly what they are doing and are doing it intentionally.
The scapegoat label from my family and awful Catholic school experiences followed me well into adulthood. When I graduated from law school, my parent's friend said to me "Wow, I never thought you'd amount to anything."
Even after getting a law degree and surpassing everyone, that was their response? Keep proving them wrong. 🥇
lol !! Go Tim! Keep looking forward. Choose your friends wisely
So relatable ❤ Gods Blessings to you this Holiday. 🤗
People that like to improve themselves seem to be their trashcan. Like a mirror of shame lol
@@pinkroses135 yeah, because it prompts them to also do the same...... and they can't/won't/resent it/not ready for it/etc.
I’m so proud of myself. I know I’m not the only person that has been scapegoated. I have been through so much abuse I’m glad I never did anything to harm myself. I’m glad I have my head held high today. I’m progressing in life. It’s sad to think back on my life. My parents and siblings have physically harmed me multiple times. They have tried to kill my confidence. The emotional abuse is the worst part. I’ve been through hell. I just don’t understand.
Please start the journey of letting them all go……I have been working on this for a long time and I’m right on the brink of doing just that. It’s an internal letting go that must happen first. Then just stop reaching out. If they contact you, you can have the upper hand and connect in a way that keeps your self safe 🩵🙏🏽
I completely understand you.ive been through the same thing😢
I get you. Your words really resonate with me. My cat is the only thing that has kept me going. I'm not sure I'd want to be here if anything happened to her.
It’s like you were speaking for me. Exactly how I feel!
and you didn't physically defend yourself?
Mary, with amazing precision you convey what happens in the toxic family. Yes, the toxic parent projects his/her own past experience, failures, resentment, regrets, and/or those of the golden kid(s) onto the scapegoat(s). Our mother's life was saturated with envy, rage, resentment, regret and revenge. It never ended. All six of us kids, and our father, were subject to being the scapegoat at any given time. There was never any rest. I walked away after 46 years of her abject abuse.
So far as I can tell, three of the six of us children became narcissists; they are determined to continue the curse Mom sewed into our lives, but we three primary scapegoats contemplate what happened, are determined to work through it, and we explain it to our children in the hopes they don't suffer the same fate as their toxic cousins.
In the cauldron our mother developed, I became and prodigious artist and gifted student. I found it funny that Mom was always frustrated that my teachers absolutely loved me, but were absolutely frustrated by her golden children. I'm middle-aged today and am a very successful artist with lots of friends and outlets: the golden children are desperate, greedy, and struggle financially and socially.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. Well done for your amazing healing/recovery work. 💕
This is so true. I naively thought that we could put it all behind us when I hit my 20’s. I had no idea at that age that being a family scapegoat is a position for life. I went no contact in my early 30’s, it was the best decision I ever made. It’s not easy but so worth it.
Happening to me now, age 30 myself…
I can attest that moving far away for a decade allowed me to surround myself with positive people. It was an amazing experience.
Moving back has had my toxic family trying to treat me same as ever. I feel like I am able to keep my distance this time by moving out of the immediate metro area, and I also feel like I'll be able to surround myself with good people again. What a difference time and distance have made. 😊
Did you already have the pieces in place before moving? I'm thinking I'm just leaving, but not sure where to go... just know I'll happy deep down that I'm gone
@johnnytsunami3558 Moving which way? 😆 Either way, some things, yes, some no. Finding a job and/or a school you want to attend, along with somewhere to live would be a better way to reroot yourself in a new place than moving on a whim, but we don't always get to plan it all out in life, I suppose. Take care of yourself, and good luck. 🩷
I ended contact with my mother and brother, and by effect the wider family a few years ago. At the age of 57, after much study, it's now clear my own life-long issues all stemmed from a highly dysfunctional family system. I can see it in my nephews too. One golden, and the other (who has just released his first album, and like me in an earlier generation - he's creative) - the 'one with problems." My brother kept up the tradition of dysfunction.
Yeh, the scapegoat relieves them of the necessity to look at themselves. My mother is so defensive, she cannot receive even the tiniest bit of feedback. Her rosy view of herself *must* be reflected back to her, and my Dad obeys like it's the role of his life. So, When I'm the scapegoat, my mum gets to be right, *always* .. and my weak father gets to be strong as one half of a strong couple. he's not strong on his own though so he has to back up Mum. My brother, I guess he just accepts the status quo. I think he understands now though that I will not be manipulated in to pretending I'm ok with their behaviour.
This is the exact dynamic in my household. It’s sickening. I truly believe my mother is a demon. Disgusting creature.
I recently set healthy boundaries with my siblings, I am 65. Just realized nothing Will change. Lots of shame present with my family and lots of secrets. In tried, and I have my children who were treated poorly by my siblings and their children too. Sad it could not be as I hoped and it's ok.
I was my foster family's scapegoat. When I was a child, naturally, I would lie to get out of trouble because my foster parents were so strict. My foster sisters knew this and would lie about things they did and pin it on me just to get me in trouble. It got to the point that even if I were telling the truth, no one believed me because as the scapegoat, I wasn't to be believed. My foster sisters enjoyed seeing me get punished. One hot summer, my sister went to her friends to a sleepover, took my allowance and bought sweets with it. When my foster mum found out I had not put my quarter in the church collection, like I had always done. She wanted to know where my allowance had gotten to. Of course, I said I lost it. A few days later, my foster mother found sweets wrapper in my sewing box when she went for thread.
Of course I was chastised, whipped with a switch that left a mark and grounded with a fortnight of washing up. A few days later, I was washing Sunday dishes when our neighbor whom my sister spent the night at her house as she was good friends with her daughter came over for tea. While I was washing dishes, she asked me why I was so silent and I told her I wasn't allowed to talk as I was on punishment. Of course she asked my foster mum what I did. My mum said I had spent my pocket money on sweets and not put my tithe in the collection plate on Sunday as I should.
My neighbor shook her head in understanding. Then asked my mum how I was to get to the store when I hadn't left the house in two weeks and was on punishment. Then my neighbor saw the opened sweet packet on the kitchen table. She looked at it and replied that I couldn't have bought those sweets, but she saw my sister buy a packet of sweets when they went to the chemists last weekend. My mother stopped drinking her tea and called my foster sister into the room. Of course my sister couldn't lie about buying those sweets.
My foster mum told my foster sister to go get her allowance, and give it back to me. When my sister returned with the money, she purposely stepped on my foot. I decided to take a big swing at her because I had had enough. My neighbor and foster mother pulled us apart. This is when my neighbor saw through the entire roos. She told my mother that I was only eight years old and all the bad things my foster mum had said about me was the doings of an older child. After all she had had six children herself and knew about jealousy and sibling rivalry.
What was interesting about this interaction, was our neighbor--not my foster mother--told my sister to apologize to me, to give me my money without kicking me and go finish the washing up. Then she asked my mother why she didn't further inquire how my allowance got stolen the first time because that wasn't the only time my sister had taken my money for sweets. My mother told our neighbor that I lied all the time and she couldn't believe anything I said. She then told the story of me stealing doughnuts and lying about it. Yes, I had stolen and eaten the doughnut after she had given her daughter one and told me no! I figured I pipe up and say as much because I felt unfair treated. Of course this was met with a smack across the face because my foster mother didn't want to hear she was favoring her own child over her care kids.
What happened next was my neighbor told my mum to stop scapegoating me for everything that went wrong in the house. Plus, when I visited her house, I had no trouble telling her the truth. My foster mother lost face with her best friend and replied we shouldn't be having this conversation in front of the kids. It just blew my mind that my neighbor saw right through the shenanigans that went on in our house.
Unfortunately, the die was caste because I had stolen those doughnuts and I would always be known as a liar to our family, especially my siblings and mum. My foster mother would never admit what she had done was wrong nor did she apologize. When I became an adult I asked my neighbor and my foster aunties if I were really a bad child. One of my foster aunties said that she saw how I along with my foster sisters was treated and thought it unfair, but during that time people kept their mouths shut. My auntie knew I was scapegoated because I was the child who was too chatty, loved to tale stories (tale tales aka lie), was too smart for my age and a truth teller--hence the big mouth.
Long story short, I never really stopped being the scapegoat of the family because my foster mum set the tone for how everyone treated me. That said, I voted with my feet and moved overseas. I'm still in contact with my foster sisters, but I am cautious. For my foster sister who stole from me, I know she runs hot and cold and to stay a safe distance. My foster mother never apologized nor has my sister. However, I don't allow them to run over me which is why they dislike me as I have sent boundaries.
My niece and BIL has made my sister the “scapegoat” for their insecurities, distortions, anger, shortcomings, etc. I believe her though. Ive seen them gaslight her all along. I try to help her work through this after the divorce but they keep victimizing her. I will share this video with her. Thanks. ❤
I hope you and your sister are doing well
Hi Mary 👋🏾
I’m thankful for the understanding I find on your channel. In my mid forties, 7 months pregnant with 1st child, and getting ready to go no contact with mom & sister…😱
I’ve separated from my father & his side of family & I’ve only realized recently it’s EVERYONE who’s got to go… that it’s a whole family system.
Scared is an understatement. None the less, here I go!!! Thank you for the support ❤️✨🙏🏾
Stay brave and strong, Nilaja. You are worth it. Your child is worth it. You can break this cycle and surround yourself by a family of choice, one that is healthy and loving and caring. To your health and success!
@@dawnpokemontrainer hey hey! Thanks a million for the encouragement. People who haven’t been here just can’t relate. Be safe this holiday season ✨❤️
@@nilaja-itsmylife they can't relate. They don't know the terror of leaving the "family" that we have known behind to find our peace. Let the healing continue. You be safe, too. Virtual hugs and moral support!
I did when pregnant for health of my child
All the best to you! Better to let go of people who are completely unreflected beyond their own benefit and let them waste away in their own emotional dirt.
Yep…loosing my siblings. Sister is golden girl. Brothers are still not getting it so I’m on my own. It’s ok, I have a pretty good support group of friends. It’s 💔 at times, but I’m counting my blessings and focusing on what I have, not what I don’t have.
I can understand everybody
Traumatic day with Narc mother today which was the culmination of months of her scheming and manipulating to finally dump all the badness on to me. Usual dramas, accusations and then the weeping protestations as I tried to leave.
She ruined our family created rifts between siblings has robbed me of any self esteem, primed me for a lifetime of accepting abuse from others and gas lit everyone else in to believing her to be the perfect mother.
At 93 she's in robust health. These poisonous soulless entities live forever, only the good die young .....
I've noticed my narcissistic mother is in perfect health ,at 79..
But myself and all my siblings are very ill and lifelong health conditions ,we are in our .50s
She will out live us ,I wonder if there is some type of spiritual vampirism, cannabalism where they feed off their children, literally I believe there is something going on. 😮
@@juliedilworth4394 I honestly believe there is some kind of energy transfer. My dad was expected to die within 1-2 weeks of stopping dialysis. But I, as the scapegoat, finally came home to help. While I was there, his labwork improved...... He lived 8 more months, until I had to return home to return to work. :( He died shortly after I left. I honestly believe my narcissistic mother hastened his death. I could feel myself dying too, while I stayed there to help my dying dad.....It took years off my life. I could not stay. After my dad died, I went no-contact permanently. I never even went back for the funeral. My father left a holographic will cutting my mother out completely. I never showed it to anyone. Money cannot buy peace. Freedom from my toxic mother is priceless.
Sounds like my mother.
They accuse me of trying to break them up, but I was saying some truth only once and never outside the relationship with the person concerned. I dint smear people. I kept things secret to protect their reputation in the community and the society the run in.
Lots of projection by these people. They (she and my father for being a team in this) both taking like 2 ticks snd no dog. ruined any relationship I had with friends, or outside sources of truth, smeared me and made sure they putted my brother against me. Despicable and disgusting but it works for them and they do it because they can.
They do! They live forever!
Maybe they live longer cause they're only maintaining a body and not a soul 🤷
Thank you, Mary. I have subscribed. I am just at the end of my rope. I so wish I would’ve had the courage to go no contact as a young person. I was ill and there was no where to turn. Anyone who can, save yourself & leave. Never look back.
Thank you for talking about this. I have actually never met anyone who has been through something similar to my experience and when I tell my story people normally don't believe me. They often find me strange. During childhood my mum always blamed me for everything no matter how hard I tried to be good and do everything right. My dad was running business and was very rarely at home, I really don't know what he saw. He was always busy and stressed but I think he had some kind of connection with his heart. He didn't blame me the same way. When I met and married a man it was like continuing to live with my mother. He treated me the same way. (Yes, I know that I made a decision to marry him, but I counld't see who he was (and who I was) when I was 25.)
I was in a really bad state during this marriage was sick all the time and I didn't get well until I decided to get a divorce. When I left my ex-husband after 19 years he became very aggressive and full of hate. I locked with double locks but my mother blamed me and invited him behind my back. I wrote a letter to everybody who was invited to the party describing my situation (to my siblings and all of the family but me) but all I got was hate. At this time I slowly started to realize that something was wrong in my family, but I still blamed myself that I couldn’t solve this situation. When my father died in 2012 my mother screamed at me at his death bed that she never wanted to see me again. I found out that she informed the care center that my father had two daughters and not three. They were surprised when I called them. Now I had to grief the death of my father and the loss of my family. It was hard. Very hard. Then my mother played out my children against me she succeeded. My ex husband had already started that process to blame me for everything when we were divorced. So now I basically have no family left and no contact with my children or grandchildren. My mother has never contacted me again, neither has my two sisters. Other people or relatives "around" don't dare to meet me or talk to me in fear of my mothers reaction. They might be excluded as well...
Today I start to feel free. But it has been a long journey. I have realized that my upbringing has given me a constant fear inside. It's hard to find your way out of a pattern you've had all your life. Now I’ve sold my house to travel in my van. Maybe I’ll find new friends during my journey (both an inner and outer journey). This kind of information that you offer is really valueble and now I finally start to realize that I’m not alone being treated like this.Thank you.
I went to a hypnotherapist when I was 19 he asked me to describe my childhood I painted a glowing reference. Then he asked me rate it out if 10 & came up with 4 the two didn’t match up. I began to consider the mismatch. Such a useful conversation
Thank you for sharing this. To me, it shows how deep the cognitive dissonance of the scapegoat can be. I lived with this for decades. ☮️
A similar thing happened to me when I went to see a counsellor. I underplayed it somewhat then was extremely startled when she said 'oh, you poor dear' and to see tears in her eyes. I didn't realise how bad things were because it was just normal to me. I so agree; it's really useful to see when others react to your situation, isn't it. :)
you are right, I am the scapegoat of huge Narcissists family members, all of them lied to me, bulling me, to take advantage of me, my family members in fact Never Never Never cared me, they wanted me to fall down, Only myself with blind eyes, always want the best for them.
You are a bigger person than I am. Part of me still wants to see a bit of poetic justice, y’know?
I walked away from the last of my Narcissistic family in 2016. I went no contact, and moved 1000 miles away from them. I was 49 when I just couldn't take anymore. We haven't spoken since, and I'm okay with that. I saved their lives more times than I can count, and all I got in return was CONTEMPT.
They talk about me like I'm garbage, but when trouble falls on them, I'm the first one they call.
I should have broke contact in 1981! I would have been fully justified to do so. But as you say, I'm trying to be the good son. But nothing I did was ever enough. They always demanded more, More MORE!!!
I even warned them, "Your behavior is making me hate you." Instead of changing their behavior, they doubled down on it. "What are you gonna do."
I told them the truth, "I'll cut you from my life as I would a cancerous tumor."
Then I did.
Yes, I left them. But they drove me out. They had abandoned me years before. The only time they wanted me around was when there was work to do, or they needed money. Money they NEVER repaid!!!
Everyone has a limit.
I reached mine.
The only way to stop the abuse is to WALK AWAY, GO NO CONTACT, and NEVER LOOK BACK.
I am so damaged I'll never trust anyone enough to have any kind of relationship.
I've accepted the life of a Recluse.
"It's better to be alone than to be in bad company."
George Washington
I really understand what your saying, I've said those exact words to my mother a number of times and she doubles down and gets harder and more controlling I'm at braking point but I can't leave because mum did everything she could to stop me from getting my car licence and when I got married my husband did the same thing, now I'm going through a divorce and once that is over and find a place it will be no contact. I can't wait
I feel the same. It is hard to try to find someone I can try to trust again.
Yes. Thank you for posting this. I’m going through something now_ my father played us against each other. He’s gone now. Lots of gaslighting and bullying, the more I try to discuss and resolve things it got worse. You’re right. I was disregarded. Being pushed out of the family legacy. Trouble showing up but I will get back. Need some healing first. I believe they were jealous and I feel shy to shine. I’m sad. I wish my sister was caring. She just can’t be. I’m sad about it. Holiday is the hardest. I’ve lost family and friends. I would like to connect w others this year. 2023. Time to grow. Best to everyone. Healing and find good loving supportive respectful friends. 💜🙏🏻💗
This happened in my old friend group. I can point out two people who refused to handle their trauma. They were bullies and my husband and I got ousted as soon as I noticed and started standing up against it.
I was the scapegoat. I brought that into my workplace and I could never hold a job because I was always scapegoated. I am thinking that I need to go no contact?? hmm. That is an interesting idea. It is so bad, the scapegoatedness in me that I ALSO became the family scapegoat in my OWN family. Meaning the family I created. So I finally left that one too. And I finally left my narcissist so-called boyfriend earlier this month.
Trail of tears, but life does keep improving by increments as we learn to honor ourselves.
In my case; I have to quit the people's pleasing. That's what it gets into trouble.
Narcs know when someone is a giver; it shows since we carry the same dynamic that saved our lives but now it turns against us.
This video may be specifically about the family, but the psychological concept (basically trauma-based mind-control) is directly applicable to politics at all levels. Mary Toolan describes very well how guilt by accusation (ie: smear) is effective and why society goes along with it and rarely, if ever, holding the powerful accountable - we "buy into the lie". This has been normalized so deeply in our culture that most people accept it as normal and are unaware of the pernicious (and evil) power of scapegoating. Furthermore, victims of scapegoating often trauma-bond to their accusers in a sort of Stockholm Syndrome dynamic.
Your right.
Excellent comment and so right about the Stockholm Syndrome.
These videos are so validating, thank you. Another year with no acknowledgment of my bday, holidays, or the historical winter storm my family and I just went through. I hurt for my kids who are so blatantly ignored, it can be disorienting trying to understand how people can be so cruel. The sibling-parent dance is real, I'm so grateful to be out of it.
Even though your children are being ignored, think about the benefits there are to having children who are not exposed to toxicity and bullying. I'm glad my children were not exposed to this. My choice!
This is so validating. There wasn't a lot of info about narcissism back when I grew up but I knew something was off. The best thing I ever did was move away to university where I discovered that I had value. Then I was love bombed by a guy and sucked into a another narcissist relationship. I was with him for 4 yrs. It felt like everyone was giving me a message but I knew in my heart that I was inherently a good person. After that relationship, I met my husband. My mother didn't like my husband LOL. He just loved me for exactly who I am. He's loving and supportive. There is goodness in the world. My parents are deceased but I still have to deal with my narcissist "golden child" brother however, I limit my time with him and have chosen not to react to his games. In many ways, being the scapegoat is a blessing. I got away and became stronger. My brother stayed at the parental home until both parents passed away. He has no real relationships/friends. He's become a mean, online troll. That's where he gets his supply.
I know what you mean. I actually wrote to my brother after our parents died and discovered how much I had grown healthier, and he had stayed the same. Truly sad.
Great comment. Thank you.
It does seem like those toxic abusive "loved ones" are being exposed everywhere. That can only help. It is shocking how epidemic the covert abuse is. Makes you wonder why as it is truly epidemic. Seems no contact is the best route to take as the constant character assassinations dont seem to ever die or stop. I've witnessed four generations of entitled bullies with near 100% ill gotten gain. Makes you wonder why and when will it end. This age of head games is a total disgrace to primitive human decency for sure. Keep your peace everyone.
@Susel I agree. The light is shining on those things not before acknowledged, so it seems like something new and epidemic. It is sign of things getting better on this rough road.
I love how well you present this information, Mary. Your balanced, calm, insightful and nuanced messaging is a testament to how far you have come from your family-of-origin trauma. You are an inspiration not only to fellow survivors, but to those who may be unwittingly playing a role in traumatizing others.
Well said 😇
Bottom line is, you’re not gonna change it so move along and live life to the best you can. No complaining…don’t try to fight it…she’s in no uncertain terms, telling us that this isn’t going to change. I admire that.
The best revenge is to live well.
Since calling out my narc mother she has gone no contact on me. Guess that proves all the theories correct. Now I'm mourning for the mother I needed but never received. So much damage with zero accountability. It boggles my mind to say the least🤯
Be prepared…they always come back!
Great video from the perspective of someone who clearly has had decades of personal experience .. I had enough after 51 yrs, I cut the cancer of my family out.. parents, siblings.. .the lot.
Thanks for the positive message ❤
Yes, and when you are a highly sensitive intuitive empath with sanguine heart and scapegoat from the family, work, and then healthcare system. Totally c-ptsd now and finally dealing with ALL of it - but sadly, it's hard to find a partner in all of this and no find more gaslighting. It's more painful than anything physical and I had and have a lot of physical pain...even yet...
In exact same place, just learned about c-ptsd and it explains a lot.
And the dysphunctipnal sociaty does the same usually to the person who grew up as the scapegoat in the familly
Nice to know I'm not walking this path alone. My cerebral attic is full of rubbish but at least I know I can clear that out myself.
Thanks for speaking about this.
♥️ You are not alone! 🙏🏻♥️
This is the first of your videos that I have seen, and I am sitting with my morning coffee choking back tears. I can relate so completely to what you say. Thank you for validating my experience.
Thank you. The initial grieving phase is the beginning of healing.
Narcissists hide behind societal norms, whereas a scapegoat is up against a widely held belief, and as such believing the scapegoat usually asks something of us, whereas most often the narcissist will be aligning himself with what you already believe and not asking you to do anything, especially not think too hard, not worry about this other person, stay asleep.
I still have to put up with being the scapegoat occasionally ...I’m 74 and have been no contact with my siblings for about 3 years. They still can’t believe I’ve cut the ties and still find ways to harass me, trying to pull me back into the family craziness. They are mostly alcoholics and have low self esteem and still can’t believe I’m no longer available. It gets easier as time goes by, (for me anyway). My advice to others in this kind of situation; take good care of yourselves and live your life.