Reactive abuse! I was subjected to this throughout childhood and deemed the crazy person when I flipped! my m took delight subjecting me to her torture! But I'm healing now 😊
I’m the scapegoat and don’t have many of these symptoms. I refuse to be a victim and the whole situation is bullshit created by insecure and unaware people.
I'm not afraid to admit my weakness. Its what is making me a better person. I'm not a victim but I'm also not going to allow myself to become hardened. People who try to hurt me or mock my vulnerability reveal their own weaknesses and fears. No thanks.
The gaslighting, abuse, shaming, judgement and lack of boundaries is horrific and the DENIAL within the family unit off the rictor scale!! The greatest thing is waking up and walking away from the madness and breaking the cycle of abuse in your life, prioritising your own self care and taking control of your life. Thank you Mary for your very clear and accurate explanation of this utter BS
I feel like there should be a scapegoat support group on facebook. A place to educate heal and socialize with each other. Especially during those lonely holidays. We can find our own chosen family and gather together during those hard times
All of the above! My toxic family doesnt even know me but they love gossiping and making up nonsense about me. It’s very clear to me, my chosen family, and friends that they are all disordered and jealous of me (because Im the smart one who sees what they are, among various other reasons). Going no-contact was a wise choice for me. My central nervous system is finally getting the break it never got for the first 40+ years of my life!
Enablers may ask the no-contact scapegoat: "Won't you have regrets when your narc passes"? They don't understand the survivor's regret is having wasted so much time being a servant and punching bag.
Exactly. Its literally grieving the loss of time and the deep embarrassment when you see. I know I feel really stupid even though I know I'm not. I embrace my empathy and reject those who think vulnerabilities are for their entertainment.
@kingbee9778 People who say things like that likely grew up in a normal family, and have no idea what abuse actually is! There's a societal myth that all parents love their children, and that all families love and care for each other. Well, WE know that's not at all true! I don't even bother discussing it with most people anymore. The only people who understand are those of us who have lived it!
Yhy regret? Regret for being sick for years and manipulated and abused for years..? Regret that you are invisible and accepted all crueal and bad behavior. I regret how I suffer all last years and no one will even help you realize that is because of many childhood traumas. I regret how harsh and bad I was for myself just because I internalize this voices from my parents which was so demanding and never accepting and nice.
I'm 39 and I left home at 17. The biggest regret I have about dealing with my family, is that I didn't go "no contact" as soon as I left. I tried to make it work until I was 32. I wasted so much time, and lived without peace to make the others feel better. Thank you for your content, it is validating and affirming, the e-book was also helpful and insightful.
I know what you mean. I also had regret about not going NC sooner however I've come more to a place of acceptance that that was the right time for me. I had the mental strength to withstand the fallout and many other factors that just made it a little less harrowing for me....
I’m nearly 60 and after having my beautiful children also critised, humiliated bc by the family as they were an extension of me, I realise I should have walked away the moment I escaped home at 18. At that time my mother even gave me the cue by asking, you will keep in contact wont you? Odd question to ask if you were in a loving relationship....she knew and so should have I
Same here, left at 16 and tried to make it work until age 43. My adult daughter was 24 when I was 43 and knows how they treated me and the toxicity and how I pulled away and checked in to be hurt again. Some truly AWFUL things were done. Now she is 29 and after becoming estranged from me for a time has had contact with them and come back saying how changed they are and genuinely nice. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach, mostly at her lack of empathy for what she saw me going through.
I sometimes tell my husband that I should have left home on my 18th birthday and never looked back. Then he says, “But sweetie, if you had done that, you wouldn’t be YOU...!” Is that a loving thing to say or what?😊
I remember when I first became aware of narcissism. It was an article "50 reasons why your girlfriend is batshit crazy". Sometimes a title jumps off the page at you exclaiming, "Hey you. Pay attention"
I couldn't be my true self until I moved out of my parent's home and stopped giving them info. Even to this day, I hide areas of my life to most people outside of my immediate family. I'm very guarded about giving out info on Facebook for the extended family. I am not open to anyone's criticism. This is a lesson learned after years of being criticized and shamed.
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
I was mocked for everything. My taste in music and made fun of all my friends, any hobbies or interests, etc..They mocked almost everything little thing about me.
@dani cali Hugs. I've always loved nature and actually made a career in this area. When I was little, I told my mother how much I loved watching the birds. She told me that she was going to put poison out to kill them all. Horrified, I asked why? She said because they "crap" all over everything. She never did put poison out. She just wanted me upset. I always loved photography, she didn't want to look at my photos 🤷🏻♀. I could go on.
They did this to me too but I quacked back, which made things worse between us of course, but it help stave them off before the next attack. These fkrs are cowards.
For me it wasn’t my parents but one sibling in particular. After my mother passed as well as another sibling (my father passed earlier), things went badly. I was betrayed financially by two remaining siblings. I realised I was wrong thinking they wouldn’t betray me but I was wrong. I distanced myself after that and haven’t seen them for about five years.
My family drove me to a place where I was fantasising about death and dying at the age of 8!! But I did not kill myself because I thought that it would make them very sad and traumatised. Now, I realise that they didn’t give a sh** about me and couldn’t have cared less. Maybe even would be relieved. Glad I didn’t see that at that age. But good to understand this now. That really gave me the strength to walk away from my f’ed up family.
9. Narc female parent took a photo of me at age 10 or 11, after I fell asleep while sitting on the toilet. She went so far as to include that into one of many albums. She and my siblings laughed at me over that for years, threatening to show it to my future boyfriends / husband, etc. I remember finding it years later and ripping it up. Someone, a female, said in response, "I still have the negative." Meaning, they could have the photo reprinted. It was that important to them, to have something they could use to ridicule me in a very public way.
Btw.: Negatives are very good to get new photos shortly after, but are bad for archiving photos. The older the negative gets the worse the quality of the photo will be one day they make new ones.
A nice little saying I've heard recently is that a joke is only a joke if both of you are laughing. An erstwhile friend studied to become a counsellor and yet she still continued to make fun of me and kept giving me backhanded compliments in order to make me feel bad about myself. I always had the nagging feeling that ahe seemed to know whenever I was feeling well and happy, because that's when she'd turn up to visit. Afterwards I'd be feeling ill and exhausted, which lasted for ages, so after a lot of soul searching I finally told her not to call anymore. I knew I had to do it for my physical and mental health as it was like having all my health and well-being sucked out of me.
I went through the same thing with my best friend of 18 years!!!! Backhanded comments are the worst and make you feel awful. The last few times I was around her my stomach started killing me and then I cut her off and it will be a year on my birthday 💯
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
I went no contact for 30 years. My narc mother has now passed away. I still cry. My emotions are a gift that I was never allowed to have growing up. Now when I have a feeling I get to have my feelings. It’s honestly liberating.
Guys I’m early in my full no contact journey (low contact for half a decade) and I’m telling you, stop asking why. If you don’t feel good about yourself during ANY interaction with these family members, TRUST your feelings. They will try to cognitively put a spell on you like ‘oh but we love you, but your ma got you an expensive gift, but you grew up comfortable, blah blah bla’ but TRUST how you feel. Feelings will tell you WHAT is really going on. Let go of old habits, they don’t suit your innate strength; you’ve only got a veil put over your head called brainwashing. ACCEPT that they don’t love you and ACCEPT that it is THEIR dysfunction and ACCEPT that they will never change. So whenever you find yourself asking WHY they do that? WHY would ma do that? WHY would my bro or sis do that? It is because you HAVE NOT ACCEPTED and the WHY is the inner child in you that still HOPES that these personality disordered people actually do care for you, which is a lie you told yourself as a kid to survive the family abuse and the child WISHES that their temperament is temporary in hopes it’ll never happen again (a COMPLETE lie and god bless the inner child, let him/her rest, your adult self can take over now). So don’t need to ask WHY. Be realistic. So instead of why did my mom do X is it because she’s tired? Is it that she’s worried about something? Is she stressed at work? Is it me? Etc. Instead the answer is Why did Mom do X? Because mom did X. Why is my mom the way she is? My mom is the way she is Because my mom is the way she is. Why is my brother abusive? My brother is abusive Because my brother is abusive. Why do they treat me that way? They treat me that way Because they treat me that way. Why are they aloof? They are aloof Because they are aloof. Why are they mean? They are mean Because they are mean. Why do I feel horrible in any family setting? I feel horrible in any family setting Because I feel horrible in any family setting. ACCEPT, DONT ASK WHY, CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH THE ABUSIVE FAMILY
That is such good advice, Sir Rantsalot (great name, btw!). I've had dreadful depression lately due to a matter over my sister's estate. It was so stressful that I decided to go no contact with the monkeys that have power of attorney, not to contest the will (that they made up, plus other illegal things they're doing) and not to go to the funeral. I feel so relieved! I can't help hoping that karma bites them in the bum, lol, but I want nothing of it...just blissful freedom to enjoy my own life. Thanks for the reminder and all the best to you. :)
@@DevonExplorer Dear Devon, I wish you the very best and you are so courageous to do what you’re doing. I am in the same boat and the family is bending their knees (and breaking their Selves) sickly chasing after my mother’s affection who is the sole holder of our father’s estate (which was taken away from us, illegally and effectively disinheriting all the rightful heirs). I walked away too like you because money can’t buy my soul. Also, after reading what I wrote 3 months ago, I am so certain that the advice I wrote still stands and it still gives me power today, not just with family, but also with toxic people I come across, which by the way your acuity for spotting these kinds of people get better the further away you are emotionally from your family. Take care.
Thank you, Mary, for listing down signs of a scapegoat. Sadly, I hit the bull's eye. Growing up, I felt I was "adopted" and not belonging. My mother always made me feel unloved. My siblings left me out a lot, too. It was only when I was in my 50's did I realize this was abuse. I have distanced myself from my family socially. I have very minimal interaction and only when they initiate it. I am slowly learning to be kinder to myself although I still have moments of self sabotage and destructive self talk.
I'm sorry to be able to relate to you being the scapegoat I think a lot of people don't see the narcissistic parent true self because toxic of users tend to single out one child which would be called the scapegoat so I mean they are abusive parents they single out one child as the scapegoat they tend to protect all the positive qualities onto The Golden child and then sometimes there's a third child that's considered The Lost child and then they can go between all three as well
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario.
GUILT and SHAME and Punishment at a young age: I remember when I was 5 and my sister was 3 my sister stepped on a rusty nail and they took my sister to the hospital. My Father screamed and hit me with his fist. I asked my Mother “Why did Daddy hit me?” My Mother said: “it wasn’t her fault”(she stepped on the nail. I thought to myself I certainly did not tell her to step on the nail?
After the parents have passed away & there is "no contact" with the older sibling, is it common to feel sad, yet relieved? A sense of "freedom at last."
Whatever you FEEL is 100% valid. the body doesn't lie. Yes it's normal to feel relieved, happy etc when people who refused to stop inflicting pain on you are gone.
Oh, I Wish I felt ‘freedom at last’. The only person still alive is my older brother, and he has no interest in a relationship - and it’s been a decade, and I’m So devastated. But my brother has legit been abusive. 😢😢😢😢
I cried two tears when my mom died and they were tears of relief that I would never hear her make me feel bad about myself again AND THEN I had to go to therapy and get CBT therapy because she kept harrasing me in my dreams. Thank God it helped because that woman was harrasing me from the grave!!!!!
My mom lied to me once to play a trick on me. She said "your (sexually abusive) sister died." I was quiet. I was relieved yet sad. I said nothing. When we reached our destination she FREAKED OUT at me for my reaction saying "YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOUR SISTERS DEAD. I wasn't being serious (lying and playing a psychological head game on my daughter) and now I know you might be going to hell. It's a 100% valid reaction.
I did go no contact eventhough I did not know for sure why I was feeling terrible every time I visited them. I just knew that I could not function with them around and that I woud lose everything if I continued seeing them. They would make me lose my job or my friends or my husband and take all my energy. And I thought: 'Even if this is all my fault I will avoid contact, because I am not going to have a life, if I do not'. I was critized a lot, because other people said that I could solve the conflict. The problem was, there was no conflict to solve. The dynamic was dysfunctional. I listen to my own feelings, and I am so glad I did.
They provoke you so you get upset then act calm. I went to a very good therapist that pointed out that there was nothing wrong with me..not even mentally ill. That it was indeed abusive. He told me I was a person and going through more than I could carry. No one had ever spoken to me like a person. That's sad in itself and yes I cried from relief. But I started to see. Its helped me endure alot. It's made me a better person.. in progress but its better than before.
Hi Mary, it was good to hear your story. My family has labelled me sensitive and paranoid for decades. I asked them to stop and they turned it around, attacked me, shamed me for hurting them, called me insane, entitled, detached from reality, smeared me to extended family, so >it was interesting to listen to the story of somebody who made the decision to just walk away. I'm still in that phase where i hope they'll get it one day. There is no contact atm though. I can't go back for more if they don't acknowledge what has gone on but they 100% blame me for "destroying the family"
@dani cali that’s the proof that they do scapegoat you. Bully has their support. You can stand up to them but why bother? They will try to put you into the same position even after years of no contact. Best way is to distance yourself from that family altogether. Spend X-mas an all celebrations with people who love you. Worst of all if you do distance yourself, sooner or later they will Hoover over you to get their scapegoat back. If you don’t come back, they will select scapegoat from within their own… sooner or later you will see their family self distract. I have seen that in my own family and many others… find your own support group, create your own family and don’t look back.
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
I’m at his point baffled in total confusion about where I stand and what my family is. If i am overreacting and I am actually the problem, or if they would mean to hurt me or not. I feel utterly confused
Be aware that in extremely toxic families only the golden child is accepted. A family may scapegoat ALL the other children, in varying degrees. Alcohol, and violence added to this mess of a family only increases the toxicity. This video hits all the points spot on. Fear and severe consequences, bully or be bullied. Can last a lifetime.
Thank you Mary!! I needed to hear this. I'm 68 now and my sister is still gaslighting me. She told me I have made up stories in my own head sinse I was a child.
My mother said the same thing to me until I left her speechless by snapping back “if I were going to make up stories I would make up good and happy stories instead of this sick shit!”
I'm so thankful for people outside the family who noticed that I wasn't a hypochondriac, wasn't crazy, but was a good kid who needed encouragement. They couldn't stop the self-doubt, the anger, the distrust, the very real health problems from cropping up, but they made it clear things were very different outside the family. Mom blamed us kids for her "failures". She never wanted kids, and really resented being born a female, which she took out on all of us. I was the primary child who confronted her about her problems, so she made a best effort to make an example out of me. So, imagine the rage that ensued when the psychologist she had me seeing suggested that I was fine, but that she needed to see a professional. You can guess what happened next. The first real salvation and advocate was my 2nd and 3rd grade teacher. She demonstrated to me that I was very intelligent, and surrounded me with very intelligent children, and I thrived. Suddenly, I had a purpose and someone who knew how to nurture, who saved my life. That was 46 years ago, and I recently called her to let her know how grateful I was and am for her. She remembered me, and said I was put in her class by design.
My Gran was awful for "jokes" and comments. You just pulled out of my memory, at a family meal "Don't look at me out of the corners of your eyes like that, you look like Princess Diana!". Ummm yeah I guess I did do that, because I constantly had to be looking what mood everyone was in. Father was likely to lose his temper, Mother preferred the silent treatment, but whatever, you had better monitor everyone's moods, like checking the weather!
My father left the family 6 weeks after I was born and one brother always 'joked' that my dad took one look at me and left for good. This was a life long 'joke' about me. The other brother liked to say, "who loves you? No One." so funny but in reality, they were speaking their own self fears. Sad. I left 20 years ago, best decision ever.
I’ve always felt I’ve had to ‘manage’ everyone’s emotions around me as I had to do with my mother. I’ve only recently (at age 57) worked out that I’m not responsible for other’s emotions. You’ve done so well Mary going no contact- do look at your friends now; I got rid of 80% of mine as they were narcissists like my mother. I was fortunate to have a loving father and my only sibling I get on well with though unfortunately he married a narcissist but does not realise it. He is not open to the ‘narcissist’ discussion yet.
I had a massive clear out, I’ve got few friends all good qualify though. I cleared out my family, they’re determined to be offended,I gave up with my old pleasing ways. Resigned myself to being the ‘problem’ even my voice is wrong.I feel much better alone no longer judged by my clothes, hair, body shape, by unattractive people.
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
The youngest sister if often being blamed as too emotional, sensitive and overeacting. But she does not know the truth and cannot seem to recognize what the reality really is.
hey, i'm a little late but i am the youngest of 3 and the only girl and relate. if you want more support, try taking a look at the estranged adult children subreddit, as well as if you have the means, trying to find a therapist who specializes in trauma@@dumplingflatbread1919
I was not the scapegoat until I married. Then he and he convinced our children I was the problem. He died but unfortunately, I had to estrange from children in order to heal.
As the scapegoat in my family, I was never aloud to play sports, peruse any hobbies and was denied a scholarship to a high achiever school, I was always told that I was stupid and can't do anything, they even convinced me to believe I was subhuman, yet was somehow responsible for anything that happened in the household. My younger sister however was the golden-child who was told (and actually still believes) that she is perfect and entitled to do whatever she pleases, even though she was a juvenile delinquent and later diagnosed with psychopathy. Cutting off contact in my early forties has completely turned my life around, I still catch myself thinking that I am incapable of challenging things though.
I kept looking at this video in my feed, wondering... So many answers came at me when I finally watched it. I now consider myself so very fortunate that I have been cut off and have willingly cut myself off from my family of origin. I am FREE!
My narcissist mother told me that her friend had asked if was alright, as I looked very unhappy (aged 15). I was told to put a better expression on my face. ie, zero interest in how I felt/what I might be going through etc, just the command to Look OK 😑
I've never felt so validated, than when you mentioned the family jokes. Throughout my childhood, I took incessant ridicule from my mom and brother, who would mock me back and forth relentlessly until I was reduced to tears. It was so malignant and corrosive toward my self confidence, that it's affected me clear into adulthood. I still have "thin skin" and view myself as "sensitive" because of being scapegoated. Thank you for not only making this information accessible, but also giving me hope that recovery and happiness are possible. You are so appreciated.
@_haileywn I'm so sorry you experienced this growing up! 😢I also experienced constant "joking" and ridicule, and it is a truly malignant and corrosive ordeal to go through. I'm 60 years old, and just now coming to realize that I'm not a bad person, and I didn't deserve to be treated so poorly. These narcs are very disturbed individuals, and they get happiness and satisfaction out of hurting others. I am grateful for these videos, too!
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
That is awful that your family would make fun of you and drive you to tears. This is something that happens often in my family, at this point cant recognize when someone is really joking or not, or if I made a bad joke that went too far or not. It became normality.
I’m truly appreciating your videos. I am most definitely the scapegoat of a very narcissistic family. I have been diagnosed with autism 1 a few years now. Sadly,I’ve realized most of the bullying and abuse was because I’m different and will not ..and cannot be fake. I’m feeling a lot of grief and relief at the same time. I’ve been no contact since my diagnosis to protect and care for myself but my “father” surprised me at my son’s soccer game last week. I kept my composure at the time but the aftermath is hell…
@Realalma My mother is a malignant narcissist, but I only learned about narcissism in my mid-50s. I have known for a long time that I was horribly abused growing up, but my healing has been very slow. I recently also found out I am autistic, and this explains so much to me about myself! I also feel that my family scapegoated me because I was "different". I also cannot and will not be fake (this is an autistic trait, we can't tolerate lies and injustice), and this is very threatening to narcs. They don't like being called out on their bad behavior! I went no contact with my mother 3 years ago, and my sister 6 years ago.
Im so sorry you had to navigate that abusive environment in addition to your neurodivergent challenges. All children need love and support, especially those with unique challenges. I was the intuitive empath nonconformist. My parents tried to break me & recruited my easilly swayed siblings to join in the fun. Since going no contact, Ive finally accepted the reality of their abuse & am engaging in complex ptsd therapies. Turns out I have an IQ over 140. Time to work towards that Phd I wouldnt earned in my 20s had I not been so emotionally & spiritually damaged at that age. My parents viewed my intelligence as a threat & nearly scapegoated the life out of me. They are monsters.
There was no option of discussing my feelings if my parents felt like i was trying to figure out “the family’s piece” in my journey. No matter how i tried to approach it, it was met with hostility, “hurt” and gaslighting responses.
It seems that the ideal environment for bad behaviour towards others is the family home environment. This is where the cowards get on with bad behaviour because surely, the most huge evil that exists is to choose to harm your own child.
ps.....their is also the sibling who shuts you out....tries to keep the family all to themselves....not inviting you to get togethers...but saying she did invite you....but you didnt want to be bothered....then no one will bother with you ....thinking you dont want to deal with them....when confronted....she denies it all....
No matter what you achieve you are the failure. My brother lost his business and with it enough of my mothers money to buy a house - he was then fired from three careers in a row and had a heart attack. His house is falling to pieces like his obese wife who got pregnant at 15 and had a stroke at 45. I have travelled the world got a phd a great place partner and job and spiritual life - and they have smeared campaigned and terrorized me for decades. Four years no contact
*Teasing* about your looks (hair, ears, freckles, etc.), or about your mannerisms (soft voice, fondness for books, your interests, your gait or posture). You complain of mistreatment by non-relatives (parents' friends, people at school, the neighbors, etc.) and are bluntly told that *if you were "nice", people would treat you better.* They say you need to be knocked off that high horse you ride and brought down to their level. You speak politely and they unexpectedly blow up with self-righteous indignation like fire-breathing dragons, snapping your head off, ending the conversation on the spot. Afterwards you're so shook up you can't even remember what you said to set them off. They manipulate the authorities as tools to punish you for not being submissive enough to their *implied* demands. You're supposed to read their minds, or somehow just 'know' that your presence as a member of their society annoys them intensely. They fabricate and exaggerate your failings or character flaws. They mock any good that is in you. They constantly ask favors of you, because they know you can be relied on for help. They exploit your natural empathy and aggreeableness. They know how to game the System in weaponizing it against you, to humiliate and cause you suffering. To shame and belittle you. They're amazingly good (practiced) at it, too. You would never think to do such a thing to anyone, especially family.
14:29 One of my older siblings said to his friend within earshot while I was on the phone that “oh we should go to the hardware and beat Rantsalots face with a 2 by 4”. As an angry and passive aggressive response to a previous debate we had about something trivial wherein we simply had differing opinions. He was mid-50’s when this happened, keep his age in mind, because age does not mean maturity. When I called him out on it his excuse was he “was talking about plastic surgery and to beat my face because my face is already good looking” When in fact they did not. We were in his car and I can hear everything even when I was on the phone - there was no mention of any plastic surgery topic. And regardless, what a horrible thing to say anyway! It’s harassment and a threat of violence. In fact, is a crime and he can be jailed for that. He was in his 50’s then and I was in my 30’s. You’d think older brothers are wise and have encouraging things to say. No, not in abusive families where hierarchy is one of the main ‘rules’ that justify bullying. Too bad for him I called him out in front of his friend immediately and it further embarrassed him. You know what we were talking about? We were talking about unfair wages and working conditions of women caregivers from overseas (a highly marginalized group who leaves their home country to work elsewhere and send money back home). He had one opinion and I had a differing opinion. It doesn’t matter what opinion’s we held but because I was eloquent in my explanation of my choice and he couldn’t be so quick, he has had to ineloquently threat violence while I was busy talking on the phone when I couldn’t defend myself. That’s the kind of person he is. He and that friend are no longer in contact either. Gee I wonder why? And his friend was so kind and I liked him a lot too.
Thank you Mary, I tried for years could never clearly put a name to treatment, I finally went no contact at about 65 3 years ago and have never felt calmer and at peace in my whole life as I do now. Now they all work on my son (my only child) to make hime think that I ma crazy and twist anything that happens with him to their advantage and story line against me. I always know when he has seen them as his attitude to me is different and i can feel him wrestling with it, but I have chosen not to wear it and just ignore the slight reactions and continue on in our relationship as if it is all fine and he settles down. Sad!
My older sister used to be the family scapegoat. But she suddenly just went of the radar, and now I feel like I became the new scapegoat. Everything wrong that happens was blamed on me. And my mom would always say that I’m like my sister, which is supposed to be an insult. My mom is also crazy religious and she would say things like my room must have an evil entity in it because it is also the same room that my sister used to stay in.. I just realize how my sister have felt during all those times. The worst thing is when you believe that they are right about everything they say about you. I was lucky enough that my parents had to leave the country for a while, and being away from them made me realize that my mom is really the toxic one in my life. I still care about them, but I just realize that I never want to live with my family.
Thank you for your generosity in sharing this with us. I send you love and support for what you've been going through. I am a former exit scapegoat myself.
I remember walking in the dining room where the table was full of relatives, as soon as I walked in there someone would say Peggy done it Peggy done it and then they would all laugh I was so small I didn't understand why they would pick on me like that all I knew is I wanted to get away from them. My mother was probably in the beauty shop fixing one of their jerk hair for free! It was quite a family dynamic glad it's over they're all dead
This resonates with me... it's a complete overlap with my experience growing up... and what I brought into adulthood. There are 2 things I want to add: 1) as the only girl child (half sibling also with 2 older brothers who shared a father, single mom) and the scapegoat... somehow my sexuality (beginning in adolescence) became a point of focus (neverending shaming comments, etc.) and 2) when I actually did something egregious (very rare) boy was I severely punished with "all hands on deck". What is confusing I still know that my mom did love me... but lots of strings attached I guess with some sincere affection too.
I was a scapegoat for over 30yrs... Now, I am free.. Completely also going no contact after the death of the hyena. You can practically guess who the "Hyena" was..
12:24 #8 True Self - you know what is interestingly funny I took a self-development course that coached us into unabashed and healthy self expression. It was truly an intensive course and I was willing to try anything back then (in my early 30’s, made my first large career move and earning more than all older siblings, who were 40+) because despite my accomplishment I felt truly empty inside. So I took on the coaching of being more fully self expressed. My GOD, I will borrow your use of the word cataclysmic, because weekends with at the family home turned into the Book of Revelations 🤣 where my siblings turned into the horrific angels described in the book with their bugged out multi-eyed spheres of a body to try and destroy me! And get this, of course the narcissist has to get in on the action, to my surprise my mother defended me! She shamed them! Why? Because I was making a lot of money and she knew this was one of their insecurities so she MILKED my self-expression for her selfish sadistic needs whereas I was feeling super proud of myself and even high on the idea my ma ‘loved’ me. We were all in our own little worlds. Funny how that turned out. Too bad for my mom, my self-expression turned into confidence and living a life of my own definition. She started to see this when I began to call her out more and more. And soon after that, she turned into a horrific monster and REALLY tried to put me back in scapegoat role but I just couldn’t. 😅
Mary, did you walk away completely? (I really wish that I had decades ago.) It only got worse until I hit rock bottom with the abusive situations. Thank you for this 🙏✝️❤️
I feel like this has gone waaay beyond our families now……we have to walk on eggshells and be careful of what we say in public anymore, or people get violent!
In my case, I wasn't made to feel crazy so much as "bad." Both of these, of course, are toxic shaming. My understanding, after having done so much work on all this, is that toxic shame is at the root of all this crazy-making behavior by parents. Integral to scapegoating is toxic shame, so if you deconstruct shame, you will take apart the scapegoating. That is, you cannot be scapegoated without toxic shame. Non-scapegoats can be shamed as well, so there is real value in delineating the experience of the scapegoat, but 100% of the people who grew up in dysfunctional families will be able to start healing by learning about toxic shame and how to heal from it. Thank you for seeing us, Mary!
I so agree with you. Family is the place you should be able to turn to for understanding and emotional support when the going gets rough. And that means more than a plane ticket to wash their hands of you. I was called ratchboy for years and I'm actually a pretty happy guy overall. They drove me crazy with their constant bullying and abuse. Dysfunctional is putting it lightly. I absolutely suffer from social anxiety but people tell me they wouldn't know it.
So happy I found you. What if my narc mother brainwashed my daughter and minimized my role as a mother which made my daughter turn on me and have zero respect for me? I went no contact in the past year and since my daughter turned out to be just like my mother, I have had to also go no contact with her to save my mental health.
My parents love my academic intelligence. They don’t like my pointing out injustice. Or my mistreatment within the family unit. Or my sons. I always felt like the golden child and black sheep in one. My son and I have spent the last 17 years away from our family at Christmas and birthdays. I used to be deeply hurt by that. I grieved for years over it. Right up until Tim Fletchers you tube channel popped up on complex trauma. The skapegoat is the honest child - problem child. My dysfunction, my inability to conform to unreasonable behaviour patterns. In that when I asked why? There was no reason. Very very confusing. I am so grateful to receive your validation as well Mary. ❤ Thank you 🙏
Hey Mary congratulations! Your channel is up and running and will pass 100 subscribers soon👍I listened to your podcast about your trauma based procrastination to start your You Tube channel. Keep up your great work and thank you for your great content on Email, podcasts and on YT!
I feel I’m the family narcissistic scapegoat I’m 34 I have mental issues because of all the abuse and neglect and get blamed shamed and ignored I got severe PTSD and nightmares and take medication for schizophrenia and I feel isolated and I get blamed for everything this been this way since childhood trauma and my family don’t care about me
I AM the family scapegoat, and NO, I no longer believe their abuse & mind bending nonsense. I also REFUSE to fall back in line in their dysfunctional “hierarchy”
Brilliant. As the middle child I went from scapegoat to forgotten child to scapegoat routinely. Abusive “mother” who stopped physical abuse as we aged but employed emotionally to this day. She saw all the abuse I took and did nothing but pull me aside and gossip about the perpetrators- then tossed a $20 as I left. Never had my back, but created mini versions of herself.
My whole body tensed up watching this. It hurt so bad. I've always known deep down, but just didn't want to believe that my own family was doing this to me. I needed to hear it from sometime else. Every single one of these examples is exactly me. I will learn from this. Thank you so much 💜
Such a pleasant kind woman, she's the opposite of a dominant, hotshot, chantecleer, narcissistic mother. As Brando lammented.. I coulda been a contender! if my mother was a lot nicer.
They'll use the original scaepgoat for as long as they can get supply from them, without supply they can't feed their addiction so eventually they'll need to seek out supply from another source.
How about adding a video with 9 more signs... and on for a series of a hundred experiences that did happen to a family scapegoat? It would really be interesting. How much pain do these toxic, disfunctional families inflict on innocent lives‼😪
I was called " the black sheep " " I was dead " " I don't exist" one of my brothers tormented me as an adolescent and adulthood. 15 - 25 years with the odd visit back home. I didn't miss a beat, no connection. I made peace within my self and do not enter into those relationships.
I was the family joke for coming out against my sister's sexual abuse and ut was an irritation from my mother, father, and sister. Actually the sexually abusive sister finally stopped touching my body after I told her to stop. Though she's narcissistic and still abusive so I have her on block. I turned it into making jokes about my family that they're silent on. I'm working financially on a 3 year cut off and break from them all.
Don't know why this vidéo came in my updates because i usually don't watch these type of things. And nobody in my childhood has ever done this to me. The mother of my kids, on the other hand...she rarely said something really insulting or violent, but she was Always acting and talking to me like nearly everything i did or didn't do was not the thing to do, or Say...trying her best to prevent me from playing with my children and Never letting my kids see my parents...she Never have any reason to that and when i tried to talk to her about her behavior, especially if i was right the only answer she had to what i was saying was : it's not me it's you. That's all And being unable to express emotions and Always believing that i was wrong to be angry AT her, it was mean...all of that have me derealisation and depersonalisation. Feeling separated from your emotions, your own thoughts are kind of separated, like if the stress has been so heavy over the years has covered my while identity with something heavy that prevent me from AT least feeling AT peace
My narcissistic, psychopath mother went around telling people I was unstable, my kids weren't ok with me, that she was so terribly disappointed in me, that I'm a huge f* up. I was married with 3 kids at home, two adult children out of the home. My mother got the government to kidnap my kids and place them with her, she helped my husband abuse me and get a divorce from me where he got literally everything in the divorce except the debt. She destroyed my life and my relationships with every one of my kids. I've been heavily bullied by my mother, my ex husband and his family, and now by my kids who've been brainwashed to hate me (to see me as unstable, when I'm the only stable one of the family). It's totally evil and my spirit has definitely been crushed.
The trust issues and the redicule from family memb. So true. But I have also witness that they redicule and play games with others they dont feel they need aproval from. They are tricky to be around. Im glad i found this information, its good to get another confirmation that am not at fault here.
This is so painful to watch. The thing is i really want to move out but i'm not financially independent. I was born to wrong people( i don't even like calling them my family) it took a really long time and a lot of resilience to find my own worth, self esteem and pick myself up to restart my life. Due to so much of abuse my physical health is now at it's worst and now have chronic ailments. It is such a painful thing to accept that I really don't have a family and no real support system even. Grief just hits you right in the heart. Can you guide how you managed to cope with such situation
Education for me as the FSG: I could not concentrate at school. I cannot remember my life much before the age of 15 years old. Apparently we used to go on holiday with second cousins. I was told I was moderately intelligent but when I was very clinically depressed in about 1996 I did a Mensa test and got a result of an IQ of 140. I wasn't allowed the honours in my BA degree because I had anorexia nervosa and I was a day patient in psychiatry. I got top marks in my 1st and 2nd tears but crumbled in my final year because my family and friend s successfully talked me out of being a Christian They are mostly atheists and communists. I feel shame about just getting a Pass in my degree when I had anorexia.
"You have a very bad temper" is also very common. They attack you and when you react, you are intolerant.
Oh my gosh, YES! They push you and push you, and when you finally make it clear you don't appreciate their bad behavior, they attack YOU!
Reactive abuse! I was subjected to this throughout childhood and deemed the crazy person when I flipped! my m took delight subjecting me to her torture! But I'm healing now 😊
It's tough being a non conformist in a ultra conformist family. I keep telling myself, I am not an animal! therefore I can't be a scapegoat.
Exactly! It’s a maddening game. Game over. Time to heal the inner child then never look back 💕
That is so awfull. Gaslighting at its worst.
1. Self Doubt (don't know where you stand,)
2. Messages 'you're the problem'
3. Feeling Anxiety (depression, low self esteem)
4. Walking on Eggshells
5. Making excuses for others poor behaviour
6. Chronic Shame (criticized)
7. Trust issues (Betrayal, boundaries, )
8. Can't be true self
9. Butt of family jokes (sinister, mocked, repetitive jokes)
I’m the scapegoat and don’t have many of these symptoms. I refuse to be a victim and the whole situation is bullshit created by insecure and unaware people.
Thank you for the list. I found it hard to listen to her as she was so quiet and the talk was slow.
All nine.
I'm not afraid to admit my weakness. Its what is making me a better person. I'm not a victim but I'm also not going to allow myself to become hardened. People who try to hurt me or mock my vulnerability reveal their own weaknesses and fears. No thanks.
I would add ostracism to this list.
So true, the scapegoat starts thinking “everyone hates me, the world hates me, god hates me” Ugh. So sad
Huh, this hit home for me. Have been feeling this all my life. Have gone no contact now, but the damage has been done.
The gaslighting, abuse, shaming, judgement and lack of boundaries is horrific and the DENIAL within the family unit off the rictor scale!! The greatest thing is waking up and walking away from the madness and breaking the cycle of abuse in your life, prioritising your own self care and taking control of your life. Thank you Mary for your very clear and accurate explanation of this utter BS
Thanks Paula
I feel like there should be a scapegoat support group on facebook. A place to educate heal and socialize with each other. Especially during those lonely holidays. We can find our own chosen family and gather together during those hard times
@dani cali aka Narcissist.
All of the above! My toxic family doesnt even know me but they love gossiping and making up nonsense about me. It’s very clear to me, my chosen family, and friends that they are all disordered and jealous of me (because Im the smart one who sees what they are, among various other reasons). Going no-contact was a wise choice for me. My central nervous system is finally getting the break it never got for the first 40+ years of my life!
Enablers may ask the no-contact scapegoat: "Won't you have regrets when your narc passes"? They don't understand the survivor's regret is having wasted so much time being a servant and punching bag.
Exactly. Its literally grieving the loss of time and the deep embarrassment when you see. I know I feel really stupid even though I know I'm not. I embrace my empathy and reject those who think vulnerabilities are for their entertainment.
@kingbee9778 People who say things like that likely grew up in a normal family, and have no idea what abuse actually is! There's a societal myth that all parents love their children, and that all families love and care for each other. Well, WE know that's not at all true!
I don't even bother discussing it with most people anymore. The only people who understand are those of us who have lived it!
yup this!!!
Yhy regret? Regret for being sick for years and manipulated and abused for years..? Regret that you are invisible and accepted all crueal and bad behavior. I regret how I suffer all last years and no one will even help you realize that is because of many childhood traumas. I regret how harsh and bad I was for myself just because I internalize this voices from my parents which was so demanding and never accepting and nice.
So so true
I'm 39 and I left home at 17. The biggest regret I have about dealing with my family, is that I didn't go "no contact" as soon as I left. I tried to make it work until I was 32. I wasted so much time, and lived without peace to make the others feel better. Thank you for your content, it is validating and affirming, the e-book was also helpful and insightful.
I know what you mean. I also had regret about not going NC sooner however I've come more to a place of acceptance that that was the right time for me. I had the mental strength to withstand the fallout and many other factors that just made it a little less harrowing for me....
I’m nearly 60 and after having my beautiful children also critised, humiliated bc by the family as they were an extension of me, I realise I should have walked away the moment I escaped home at 18. At that time my mother even gave me the cue by asking, you will keep in contact wont you? Odd question to ask if you were in a loving relationship....she knew and so should have I
Don't blame yourself. You did it as soon as you could. I'm 42 and it wasn't until this year that I decided not to visit my narc mother anymore.
Same here, left at 16 and tried to make it work until age 43.
My adult daughter was 24 when I was 43 and knows how they treated me and the toxicity and how I pulled away and checked in to be hurt again. Some truly AWFUL things were done. Now she is 29 and after becoming estranged from me for a time has had contact with them and come back saying how changed they are and genuinely nice.
I felt sick to the pit of my stomach, mostly at her lack of empathy for what she saw me going through.
I sometimes tell my husband that I should have left home on my 18th birthday and never looked back. Then he says, “But sweetie, if you had done that, you wouldn’t be YOU...!” Is that a loving thing to say or what?😊
The first sign is wanting to watch videos like this 🇬🇧
Lol facts
I remember when I first became aware of narcissism. It was an article "50 reasons why your girlfriend is batshit crazy".
Sometimes a title jumps off the page at you exclaiming, "Hey you. Pay attention"
Yessir!
Wow, so most abusers call their victims crazy?!? I thought I was the only one going through this.
Yes they do and they push and push to get a reaction!
I couldn't be my true self until I moved out of my parent's home and stopped giving them info. Even to this day, I hide areas of my life to most people outside of my immediate family. I'm very guarded about giving out info on Facebook for the extended family. I am not open to anyone's criticism. This is a lesson learned after years of being criticized and shamed.
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
I was mocked for everything. My taste in music and made fun of all my friends, any hobbies or interests, etc..They mocked almost everything little thing about me.
I know, it's SO horrific and traumatic 😥
Same
I had this experience as well. So much shame.
@dani cali Hugs. I've always loved nature and actually made a career in this area. When I was little, I told my mother how much I loved watching the birds. She told me that she was going to put poison out to kill them all. Horrified, I asked why? She said because they "crap" all over everything. She never did put poison out. She just wanted me upset. I always loved photography, she didn't want to look at my photos 🤷🏻♀. I could go on.
They did this to me too but I quacked back, which made things worse between us of course, but it help stave them off before the next attack. These fkrs are cowards.
For me it wasn’t my parents but one sibling in particular. After my mother passed as well as another sibling (my father passed earlier), things went badly. I was betrayed financially by two remaining siblings. I realised I was wrong thinking they wouldn’t betray me but I was wrong. I distanced myself after that and haven’t seen them for about five years.
My family drove me to a place where I was fantasising about death and dying at the age of 8!! But I did not kill myself because I thought that it would make them very sad and traumatised. Now, I realise that they didn’t give a sh** about me and couldn’t have cared less. Maybe even would be relieved. Glad I didn’t see that at that age. But good to understand this now. That really gave me the strength to walk away from my f’ed up family.
Same boat here
A mí me ocurrió en la adolescencia, le comenté mis pensamientos a una familiar y me dijo " el que lo dice no lo hace".
9. Narc female parent took a photo of me at age 10 or 11, after I fell asleep while sitting on the toilet. She went so far as to include that into one of many albums. She and my siblings laughed at me over that for years, threatening to show it to my future boyfriends / husband, etc. I remember finding it years later and ripping it up. Someone, a female, said in response, "I still have the negative." Meaning, they could have the photo reprinted.
It was that important to them, to have something they could use to ridicule me in a very public way.
Btw.: Negatives are very good to get new photos shortly after, but are bad for archiving photos. The older the negative gets the worse the quality of the photo will be one day they make new ones.
Maybe the fact that you fell asleep while on the toilet is also a sign of some kind of abuse. Sorry about your petty pathetic family.
A nice little saying I've heard recently is that a joke is only a joke if both of you are laughing. An erstwhile friend studied to become a counsellor and yet she still continued to make fun of me and kept giving me backhanded compliments in order to make me feel bad about myself. I always had the nagging feeling that ahe seemed to know whenever I was feeling well and happy, because that's when she'd turn up to visit. Afterwards I'd be feeling ill and exhausted, which lasted for ages, so after a lot of soul searching I finally told her not to call anymore. I knew I had to do it for my physical and mental health as it was like having all my health and well-being sucked out of me.
I went through the same thing with my best friend of 18 years!!!! Backhanded comments are the worst and make you feel awful. The last few times I was around her my stomach started killing me and then I cut her off and it will be a year on my birthday 💯
@@karishort1891 I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing, Kari. Good for you for cutting her off too. :)
@@DevonExplorer yeah good for US ❤️
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
Raise your hand if you cried the whole way through this.
Past crying about this now. Been NC 12 years. Mind you, it takes different people different times before it stops hurting so much. ♥
🙋🏻♀️
I cried fore one month on end. I lost my joyful character.
I went no contact for 30 years. My narc mother has now passed away. I still cry. My emotions are a gift that I was never allowed to have growing up. Now when I have a feeling I get to have my feelings. It’s honestly liberating.
So true. You can’t win. Do option A, you’re wrong, do option B, you’re wrong. You’re ALWAYS wrong NO MATTER what you do in the narc family
Then I came to What’s the use!
This!!!
All you can do is do your best!
Guys I’m early in my full no contact journey (low contact for half a decade) and I’m telling you, stop asking why. If you don’t feel good about yourself during ANY interaction with these family members, TRUST your feelings. They will try to cognitively put a spell on you like ‘oh but we love you, but your ma got you an expensive gift, but you grew up comfortable, blah blah bla’ but TRUST how you feel.
Feelings will tell you WHAT is really going on. Let go of old habits, they don’t suit your innate strength; you’ve only got a veil put over your head called brainwashing. ACCEPT that they don’t love you and ACCEPT that it is THEIR dysfunction and ACCEPT that they will never change. So whenever you find yourself asking WHY they do that? WHY would ma do that? WHY would my bro or sis do that? It is because you HAVE NOT ACCEPTED and the WHY is the inner child in you that still HOPES that these personality disordered people actually do care for you, which is a lie you told yourself as a kid to survive the family abuse and the child WISHES that their temperament is temporary in hopes it’ll never happen again (a COMPLETE lie and god bless the inner child, let him/her rest, your adult self can take over now).
So don’t need to ask WHY. Be realistic. So instead of why did my mom do X is it because she’s tired? Is it that she’s worried about something? Is she stressed at work? Is it me? Etc.
Instead the answer is Why did Mom do X? Because mom did X. Why is my mom the way she is? My mom is the way she is Because my mom is the way she is. Why is my brother abusive? My brother is abusive Because my brother is abusive. Why do they treat me that way? They treat me that way Because they treat me that way. Why are they aloof? They are aloof Because they are aloof. Why are they mean? They are mean Because they are mean. Why do I feel horrible in any family setting? I feel horrible in any family setting Because I feel horrible in any family setting.
ACCEPT, DONT ASK WHY, CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH THE ABUSIVE FAMILY
That is such good advice, Sir Rantsalot (great name, btw!). I've had dreadful depression lately due to a matter over my sister's estate. It was so stressful that I decided to go no contact with the monkeys that have power of attorney, not to contest the will (that they made up, plus other illegal things they're doing) and not to go to the funeral. I feel so relieved! I can't help hoping that karma bites them in the bum, lol, but I want nothing of it...just blissful freedom to enjoy my own life. Thanks for the reminder and all the best to you. :)
@@DevonExplorer Dear Devon, I wish you the very best and you are so courageous to do what you’re doing. I am in the same boat and the family is bending their knees (and breaking their Selves) sickly chasing after my mother’s affection who is the sole holder of our father’s estate (which was taken away from us, illegally and effectively disinheriting all the rightful heirs). I walked away too like you because money can’t buy my soul. Also, after reading what I wrote 3 months ago, I am so certain that the advice I wrote still stands and it still gives me power today, not just with family, but also with toxic people I come across, which by the way your acuity for spotting these kinds of people get better the further away you are emotionally from your family. Take care.
@@sirrantsalott Thank you. :)
Awesome reply! Words of wisdom. This is the answer for anyone stuck in that questioning phase. Acceptance is the beginning of true healing ❤️🩹
They don't have a disorder, they're evil.
I was not allowed to be angry, my parents & siblings could throw violent rages, throw objects, kick holes in doors.
Yes this was me too I had a poker face and always blank expression to stay safe
Only dogs get mad not people
Thank you, Mary, for listing down signs of a scapegoat. Sadly, I hit the bull's eye. Growing up, I felt I was "adopted" and not belonging. My mother always made me feel unloved. My siblings left me out a lot, too. It was only when I was in my 50's did I realize this was abuse. I have distanced myself from my family socially. I have very minimal interaction and only when they initiate it. I am slowly learning to be kinder to myself although I still have moments of self sabotage and destructive self talk.
I'm sorry to be able to relate to you being the scapegoat I think a lot of people don't see the narcissistic parent true self because toxic of users tend to single out one child which would be called the scapegoat so I mean they are abusive parents they single out one child as the scapegoat they tend to protect all the positive qualities onto The Golden child and then sometimes there's a third child that's considered The Lost child and then they can go between all three as well
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario.
I feel this from my own life. Much love to you.
@FlyingDogStudio98 thank you so much.
GUILT and SHAME and Punishment at a young age: I remember when I was 5 and my sister was 3 my sister stepped on a rusty nail and they took my sister to the hospital. My Father screamed and hit me with his fist. I asked my Mother “Why did Daddy hit me?” My Mother said: “it wasn’t her fault”(she stepped on the nail. I thought to myself I certainly did not tell her to step on the nail?
What dickheads, who the F punishes a 5 year old for not looking after a 3 year old. Demented, nasty idiots, thats who.
I know I am the family scapegoat.. now as an Adult I am washing my hands of them all... bit by bit..
Didn’t realize the situation I was raised in is so common and widespread. Sad!!!
Maybe that is why ppl think it was normal🤔
After the parents have passed away & there is "no contact" with the older sibling, is it common to feel sad, yet relieved? A sense of "freedom at last."
Whatever you FEEL is 100% valid. the body doesn't lie. Yes it's normal to feel relieved, happy etc when people who refused to stop inflicting pain on you are gone.
Oh, I Wish I felt ‘freedom at last’. The only person still alive is my older brother, and he has no interest in a relationship - and it’s been a decade, and I’m So devastated. But my brother has legit been abusive. 😢😢😢😢
I’m very much looking forward to that freedom.
I cried two tears when my mom died and they were tears of relief that I would never hear her make me feel bad about myself again AND THEN I had to go to therapy and get CBT therapy because she kept harrasing me in my dreams. Thank God it helped because that woman was harrasing me from the grave!!!!!
My mom lied to me once to play a trick on me. She said "your (sexually abusive) sister died." I was quiet. I was relieved yet sad. I said nothing. When we reached our destination she FREAKED OUT at me for my reaction saying "YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOUR SISTERS DEAD. I wasn't being serious (lying and playing a psychological head game on my daughter) and now I know you might be going to hell.
It's a 100% valid reaction.
I did go no contact eventhough I did not know for sure why I was feeling terrible every time I visited them. I just knew that I could not function with them around and that I woud lose everything if I continued seeing them. They would make me lose my job or my friends or my husband and take all my energy. And I thought: 'Even if this is all my fault I will avoid contact, because I am not going to have a life, if I do not'. I was critized a lot, because other people said that I could solve the conflict. The problem was, there was no conflict to solve. The dynamic was dysfunctional. I listen to my own feelings, and I am so glad I did.
Well done Maryanne 💖
I had a very similar experience.
There are so many videos on IG where an abusive parent is tormenting a child and they put it out as comedy. 💙🙏🏻💙
yes, it's very triggering
What is I G? Not good with acronyms thanks
@@melissawalker7570 In chemistry it is ideal gas. But I doubt that is what is meant here.
Instagram
They provoke you so you get upset then act calm. I went to a very good therapist that pointed out that there was nothing wrong with me..not even mentally ill. That it was indeed abusive. He told me I was a person and going through more than I could carry. No one had ever spoken to me like a person. That's sad in itself and yes I cried from relief. But I started to see. Its helped me endure alot. It's made me a better person.. in progress but its better than before.
Hi Mary, it was good to hear your story. My family has labelled me sensitive and paranoid for decades. I asked them to stop and they turned it around, attacked me, shamed me for hurting them, called me insane, entitled, detached from reality, smeared me to extended family, so >it was interesting to listen to the story of somebody who made the decision to just walk away. I'm still in that phase where i hope they'll get it one day. There is no contact atm though. I can't go back for more if they don't acknowledge what has gone on but they 100% blame me for "destroying the family"
I'm so sorry this has been your experience Susan, it's soooo painful.
Thank you for watching my video.
@dani cali that’s the proof that they do scapegoat you. Bully has their support. You can stand up to them but why bother? They will try to put you into the same position even after years of no contact. Best way is to distance yourself from that family altogether. Spend X-mas an all celebrations with people who love you. Worst of all if you do distance yourself, sooner or later they will Hoover over you to get their scapegoat back. If you don’t come back, they will select scapegoat from within their own… sooner or later you will see their family self distract. I have seen that in my own family and many others… find your own support group, create your own family and don’t look back.
Walk away from abuse and put downs. I have for my own mental health and well-being. Best thing ever not having to deal with arseholes..
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
I’m at his point baffled in total confusion about where I stand and what my family is. If i am overreacting and I am actually the problem, or if they would mean to hurt me or not. I feel utterly confused
When I was very young I was chosen to literally be the family punchbag. I knew that it was not because I deserved it. I knew I was better than them.
Be aware that in extremely toxic families only the golden child is accepted. A family may scapegoat ALL the other children, in varying degrees. Alcohol, and violence added to this mess of a family only increases the toxicity. This video hits all the points spot on. Fear and severe consequences, bully or be bullied. Can last a lifetime.
Thank you Mary!! I needed to hear this. I'm 68 now and my sister is still gaslighting me. She told me I have made up stories in my own head sinse I was a child.
My mother said the same thing to me until I left her speechless by snapping back “if I were going to make up stories I would make up good and happy stories instead of this sick shit!”
This is why i do not tell them anything abt why i am NC. They would say i was making it up.
Exactly!! She is the one who makes up negative stories about you! My parents are the same. Truly sick.
I'm so thankful for people outside the family who noticed that I wasn't a hypochondriac, wasn't crazy, but was a good kid who needed encouragement. They couldn't stop the self-doubt, the anger, the distrust, the very real health problems from cropping up, but they made it clear things were very different outside the family.
Mom blamed us kids for her "failures". She never wanted kids, and really resented being born a female, which she took out on all of us. I was the primary child who confronted her about her problems, so she made a best effort to make an example out of me. So, imagine the rage that ensued when the psychologist she had me seeing suggested that I was fine, but that she needed to see a professional. You can guess what happened next.
The first real salvation and advocate was my 2nd and 3rd grade teacher. She demonstrated to me that I was very intelligent, and surrounded me with very intelligent children, and I thrived. Suddenly, I had a purpose and someone who knew how to nurture, who saved my life. That was 46 years ago, and I recently called her to let her know how grateful I was and am for her. She remembered me, and said I was put in her class by design.
Ppl like that are so important.
My Gran was awful for "jokes" and comments. You just pulled out of my memory, at a family meal "Don't look at me out of the corners of your eyes like that, you look like Princess Diana!". Ummm yeah I guess I did do that, because I constantly had to be looking what mood everyone was in. Father was likely to lose his temper, Mother preferred the silent treatment, but whatever, you had better monitor everyone's moods, like checking the weather!
Yes the hypervigelence 😰
@dani cali Grammas save lives. She was the first one to show me I had a right to basic boundaries.
My parents tell me to get myself to a psychiatrist!!!
That I am too sensitive,
It's my fault that i fell and damaged myself.
I relate to this so much❤️They always deflect and project....
My father left the family 6 weeks after I was born and one brother always 'joked' that my dad took one look at me and left for good. This was a life long 'joke' about me. The other brother liked to say, "who loves you? No One." so funny but in reality, they were speaking their own self fears. Sad. I left 20 years ago, best decision ever.
Wow, that is an insanely cruel thing to say! So sorry for you! My heart breaks reading this.
I’ve always felt I’ve had to ‘manage’ everyone’s emotions around me as I had to do with my mother.
I’ve only recently (at age 57) worked out that I’m not responsible for other’s emotions.
You’ve done so well Mary going no contact- do look at your friends now; I got rid of 80% of mine as they were narcissists like my mother.
I was fortunate to have a loving father and my only sibling I get on well with though unfortunately he married a narcissist but does not realise it. He is not open to the ‘narcissist’ discussion yet.
I had a massive clear out, I’ve got few friends all good qualify though. I cleared out my family, they’re determined to be offended,I gave up with my old pleasing ways. Resigned myself to being the ‘problem’ even my voice is wrong.I feel much better alone no longer judged by my clothes, hair, body shape, by unattractive people.
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
The youngest sister if often being blamed as too emotional, sensitive and overeacting. But she does not know the truth and cannot seem to recognize what the reality really is.
hey, i'm a little late but i am the youngest of 3 and the only girl and relate. if you want more support, try taking a look at the estranged adult children subreddit, as well as if you have the means, trying to find a therapist who specializes in trauma@@dumplingflatbread1919
My mother was a big cry baby
I was not the scapegoat until I married. Then he and he convinced our children I was the problem. He died but unfortunately, I had to estrange from children in order to heal.
As the scapegoat in my family, I was never aloud to play sports, peruse any hobbies and was denied a scholarship to a high achiever school, I was always told that I was stupid and can't do anything, they even convinced me to believe I was subhuman, yet was somehow responsible for anything that happened in the household. My younger sister however was the golden-child who was told (and actually still believes) that she is perfect and entitled to do whatever she pleases, even though she was a juvenile delinquent and later diagnosed with psychopathy. Cutting off contact in my early forties has completely turned my life around, I still catch myself thinking that I am incapable of challenging things though.
❤
❤
Actually, this started age 17, when I got first psychosis. So much later and I left home at 20 but the message was there, very loudly.
I kept looking at this video in my feed, wondering... So many answers came at me when I finally watched it. I now consider myself so very fortunate that I have been cut off and have willingly cut myself off from my family of origin. I am FREE!
My narcissist mother told me that her friend had asked if was alright, as I looked very unhappy (aged 15). I was told to put a better expression on my face.
ie, zero interest in how I felt/what I might be going through etc, just the command to Look OK 😑
I've never felt so validated, than when you mentioned the family jokes. Throughout my childhood, I took incessant ridicule from my mom and brother, who would mock me back and forth relentlessly until I was reduced to tears.
It was so malignant and corrosive toward my self confidence, that it's affected me clear into adulthood. I still have "thin skin" and view myself as "sensitive" because of being scapegoated.
Thank you for not only making this information accessible, but also giving me hope that recovery and happiness are possible. You are so appreciated.
@_haileywn I'm so sorry you experienced this growing up! 😢I also experienced constant "joking" and ridicule, and it is a truly malignant and corrosive ordeal to go through. I'm 60 years old, and just now coming to realize that I'm not a bad person, and I didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.
These narcs are very disturbed individuals, and they get happiness and satisfaction out of hurting others.
I am grateful for these videos, too!
What if there are 3 children, 1 older brother and two sisters. The elder sister and the brother did not get along because the brother bullied the sister from very young age. (He himself got bullied in school). Then the third sister was born, and at first the brother and sister could both get along with the youngest, but as the third child grew up, the sister always dominated in contact with the younger sister, and unintentionally the brother was left out, also because he bullied the sisters regularly. Later they would have al sorts of problems and arguments with the brother. Now that they’re adults, the brother occasionally communicates with the family, except for the youngest sister. He is often very critical towards her and regards his opinions of her as fact. Manipulates and seeks to exploit every now and then when he needs something. The sister got afraid of him and seeks distance. They are not going along with each other, they’re relationship was shattered. But all the other family members go along better with the brother, even the elder sister. Who is the problem here? I’m a bit confused and to what extend this family abuse scape goat situation applies to this scenario. The brother behaves similarly to the way that scapegoat is described in the comments. But also is dishonest occasionally and mean(harsh). Denies his behavior and blames all negative on the others, especially the youngest sister.
That is awful that your family would make fun of you and drive you to tears. This is something that happens often in my family, at this point cant recognize when someone is really joking or not, or if I made a bad joke that went too far or not. It became normality.
I’m truly appreciating your videos. I am most definitely the scapegoat of a very narcissistic family. I have been diagnosed with autism 1 a few years now. Sadly,I’ve realized most of the bullying and abuse was because I’m different and will not ..and cannot be fake. I’m feeling a lot of grief and relief at the same time. I’ve been no contact since my diagnosis to protect and care for myself but my “father” surprised me at my son’s soccer game last week. I kept my composure at the time but the aftermath is hell…
@Realalma My mother is a malignant narcissist, but I only learned about narcissism in my mid-50s. I have known for a long time that I was horribly abused growing up, but my healing has been very slow. I recently also found out I am autistic, and this explains so much to me about myself! I also feel that my family scapegoated me because I was "different". I also cannot and will not be fake (this is an autistic trait, we can't tolerate lies and injustice), and this is very threatening to narcs. They don't like being called out on their bad behavior! I went no contact with my mother 3 years ago, and my sister 6 years ago.
Im so sorry you had to navigate that abusive environment in addition to your neurodivergent challenges. All children need love and support, especially those with unique challenges. I was the intuitive empath nonconformist. My parents tried to break me & recruited my easilly swayed siblings to join in the fun. Since going no contact, Ive finally accepted the reality of their abuse & am engaging in complex ptsd therapies. Turns out I have an IQ over 140. Time to work towards that Phd I wouldnt earned in my 20s had I not been so emotionally & spiritually damaged at that age. My parents viewed my intelligence as a threat & nearly scapegoated the life out of me. They are monsters.
There was no option of discussing my feelings if my parents felt like i was trying to figure out “the family’s piece” in my journey. No matter how i tried to approach it, it was met with hostility, “hurt” and gaslighting responses.
It seems that the ideal environment for bad behaviour towards others is the family home environment. This is where the cowards get on with bad behaviour because surely, the most huge evil that exists is to choose to harm your own child.
ps.....their is also the sibling who shuts you out....tries to keep the family all to themselves....not inviting you to get togethers...but saying she did invite you....but you didnt want to be bothered....then no one will bother with you ....thinking you dont want to deal with them....when confronted....she denies it all....
Words they say: “You’ve always been a problem”; “Mommie felt you never liked her”; “If it wasn’t for you …”
No matter what you achieve you are the failure. My brother lost his business and with it enough of my mothers money to buy a house - he was then fired from three careers in a row and had a heart attack. His house is falling to pieces like his obese wife who got pregnant at 15 and had a stroke at 45. I have travelled the world got a phd a great place partner and job and spiritual life - and they have smeared campaigned and terrorized me for decades. Four years no contact
wozers. thanks for sharing. yes - the contrast between the golden child and scapegoat child...
They were obviously jealous of you.
@@pmw3839 thank you - I think that is probably right
Wow, you are amazing for being able to accomplish so much. Too bad they are so envious of you.
*Teasing* about your looks (hair, ears, freckles, etc.), or about your mannerisms (soft voice, fondness for books, your interests, your gait or posture). You complain of mistreatment by non-relatives (parents' friends, people at school, the neighbors, etc.) and are bluntly told that *if you were "nice", people would treat you better.* They say you need to be knocked off that high horse you ride and brought down to their level. You speak politely and they unexpectedly blow up with self-righteous indignation like fire-breathing dragons, snapping your head off, ending the conversation on the spot. Afterwards you're so shook up you can't even remember what you said to set them off. They manipulate the authorities as tools to punish you for not being submissive enough to their *implied* demands. You're supposed to read their minds, or somehow just 'know' that your presence as a member of their society annoys them intensely. They fabricate and exaggerate your failings or character flaws. They mock any good that is in you. They constantly ask favors of you, because they know you can be relied on for help. They exploit your natural empathy and aggreeableness. They know how to game the System in weaponizing it against you, to humiliate and cause you suffering. To shame and belittle you. They're amazingly good (practiced) at it, too. You would never think to do such a thing to anyone, especially family.
14:29 One of my older siblings said to his friend within earshot while I was on the phone that “oh we should go to the hardware and beat Rantsalots face with a 2 by 4”. As an angry and passive aggressive response to a previous debate we had about something trivial wherein we simply had differing opinions. He was mid-50’s when this happened, keep his age in mind, because age does not mean maturity.
When I called him out on it his excuse was he “was talking about plastic surgery and to beat my face because my face is already good looking”
When in fact they did not. We were in his car and I can hear everything even when I was on the phone - there was no mention of any plastic surgery topic. And regardless, what a horrible thing to say anyway! It’s harassment and a threat of violence. In fact, is a crime and he can be jailed for that.
He was in his 50’s then and I was in my 30’s. You’d think older brothers are wise and have encouraging things to say. No, not in abusive families where hierarchy is one of the main ‘rules’ that justify bullying.
Too bad for him I called him out in front of his friend immediately and it further embarrassed him.
You know what we were talking about? We were talking about unfair wages and working conditions of women caregivers from overseas (a highly marginalized group who leaves their home country to work elsewhere and send money back home). He had one opinion and I had a differing opinion.
It doesn’t matter what opinion’s we held but because I was eloquent in my explanation of my choice and he couldn’t be so quick, he has had to ineloquently threat violence while I was busy talking on the phone when I couldn’t defend myself. That’s the kind of person he is.
He and that friend are no longer in contact either. Gee I wonder why? And his friend was so kind and I liked him a lot too.
Thank you Mary, I tried for years could never clearly put a name to treatment, I finally went no contact at about 65 3 years ago and have never felt calmer and at peace in my whole life as I do now. Now they all work on my son (my only child) to make hime think that I ma crazy and twist anything that happens with him to their advantage and story line against me. I always know when he has seen them as his attitude to me is different and i can feel him wrestling with it, but I have chosen not to wear it and just ignore the slight reactions and continue on in our relationship as if it is all fine and he settles down. Sad!
Oh my gosh, the TRUST issues from lack of boundaries, even trusting Yourself becomes difficult. Yikes. So true. Thanks
Narc sisters narc rage to me, who’s learned how to treat me from my mother …” you push people, you wind people up”!!
Shout out to everyone one of us who is/was the family scapegoat and has survived, thrived or made their lives good despite that 🎉❤
My older sister used to be the family scapegoat. But she suddenly just went of the radar, and now I feel like I became the new scapegoat. Everything wrong that happens was blamed on me. And my mom would always say that I’m like my sister, which is supposed to be an insult. My mom is also crazy religious and she would say things like my room must have an evil entity in it because it is also the same room that my sister used to stay in.. I just realize how my sister have felt during all those times. The worst thing is when you believe that they are right about everything they say about you. I was lucky enough that my parents had to leave the country for a while, and being away from them made me realize that my mom is really the toxic one in my life. I still care about them, but I just realize that I never want to live with my family.
Thank you for your generosity in sharing this with us. I send you love and support for what you've been going through. I am a former exit scapegoat myself.
I remember walking in the dining room where the table was full of relatives, as soon as I walked in there someone would say Peggy done it Peggy done it and then they would all laugh I was so small I didn't understand why they would pick on me like that all I knew is I wanted to get away from them. My mother was probably in the beauty shop fixing one of their jerk hair for free! It was quite a family dynamic glad it's over they're all dead
Vulnerability hangover - great phrase!
I stand corrected but I think Brene Brown was the first person to use that phrase...
You are so Brave! Speaking about the unspeakable You are a SURVIVOR
This resonates with me... it's a complete overlap with my experience growing up... and what I brought into adulthood. There are 2 things I want to add: 1) as the only girl child (half sibling also with 2 older brothers who shared a father, single mom) and the scapegoat... somehow my sexuality (beginning in adolescence) became a point of focus (neverending shaming comments, etc.) and 2) when I actually did something egregious (very rare) boy was I severely punished with "all hands on deck". What is confusing I still know that my mom did love me... but lots of strings attached I guess with some sincere affection too.
Oh my, this is soooo validating. It's like you are speaking directly to me, Mary! Thank you.
I was a scapegoat for over 30yrs... Now, I am free.. Completely also going no contact after the death of the hyena.
You can practically guess who the "Hyena" was..
12:24 #8 True Self - you know what is interestingly funny I took a self-development course that coached us into unabashed and healthy self expression. It was truly an intensive course and I was willing to try anything back then (in my early 30’s, made my first large career move and earning more than all older siblings, who were 40+) because despite my accomplishment I felt truly empty inside.
So I took on the coaching of being more fully self expressed. My GOD, I will borrow your use of the word cataclysmic, because weekends with at the family home turned into the Book of Revelations 🤣 where my siblings turned into the horrific angels described in the book with their bugged out multi-eyed spheres of a body to try and destroy me! And get this, of course the narcissist has to get in on the action, to my surprise my mother defended me! She shamed them! Why? Because I was making a lot of money and she knew this was one of their insecurities so she MILKED my self-expression for her selfish sadistic needs whereas I was feeling super proud of myself and even high on the idea my ma ‘loved’ me. We were all in our own little worlds. Funny how that turned out.
Too bad for my mom, my self-expression turned into confidence and living a life of my own definition. She started to see this when I began to call her out more and more. And soon after that, she turned into a horrific monster and REALLY tried to put me back in scapegoat role but I just couldn’t. 😅
All 9 of these describe me perfectly. Just signed up for your course. Thank you for everything you do.
Thank you
Mary, did you walk away completely?
(I really wish that I had decades ago.)
It only got worse until I hit rock bottom with the abusive situations. Thank you for this 🙏✝️❤️
Yes, went NC in 2018. I have a video on that sharing how I did it.
I feel like this has gone waaay beyond our families now……we have to walk on eggshells and be careful of what we say in public anymore, or people get violent!
In my case, I wasn't made to feel crazy so much as "bad." Both of these, of course, are toxic shaming. My understanding, after having done so much work on all this, is that toxic shame is at the root of all this crazy-making behavior by parents. Integral to scapegoating is toxic shame, so if you deconstruct shame, you will take apart the scapegoating. That is, you cannot be scapegoated without toxic shame. Non-scapegoats can be shamed as well, so there is real value in delineating the experience of the scapegoat, but 100% of the people who grew up in dysfunctional families will be able to start healing by learning about toxic shame and how to heal from it. Thank you for seeing us, Mary!
Really great reality checklist. I was not consciously aware of all those things. Thank you for sharing.
10. What is okay for everyone else to do / say / think / feel, is not okay for the SG.
I so agree with you. Family is the place you should be able to turn to for understanding and emotional support when the going gets rough. And that means more than a plane ticket to wash their hands of you. I was called ratchboy for years and I'm actually a pretty happy guy overall. They drove me crazy with their constant bullying and abuse. Dysfunctional is putting it lightly. I absolutely suffer from social anxiety but people tell me they wouldn't know it.
So happy I found you. What if my narc mother brainwashed my daughter and minimized my role as a mother which made my daughter turn on me and have zero respect for me? I went no contact in the past year and since my daughter turned out to be just like my mother, I have had to also go no contact with her to save my mental health.
Because I refused to play The Fixer anymore, the narrative became that I am Crazy. It's a trap.
OMG.... yes..... same here..... oh well.... who wants to be sane in an insane world anyways?
My parents love my academic intelligence. They don’t like my pointing out injustice. Or my mistreatment within the family unit. Or my sons.
I always felt like the golden child and black sheep in one. My son and I have spent the last 17 years away from our family at Christmas and birthdays. I used to be deeply hurt by that. I grieved for years over it. Right up until Tim Fletchers you tube channel popped up on complex trauma. The skapegoat is the honest child - problem child. My dysfunction, my inability to conform to unreasonable behaviour patterns. In that when I asked why? There was no reason. Very very confusing. I am so grateful to receive your validation as well Mary. ❤ Thank you 🙏
Hey Mary congratulations! Your channel is up and running and will pass 100 subscribers soon👍I listened to your podcast about your trauma based procrastination to start your You Tube channel. Keep up your great work and thank you for your great content on Email, podcasts and on YT!
Thank you 😊🌺
I feel I’m the family narcissistic scapegoat I’m 34 I have mental issues because of all the abuse and neglect and get blamed shamed and ignored I got severe PTSD and nightmares and take medication for schizophrenia and I feel isolated and I get blamed for everything this been this way since childhood trauma and my family don’t care about me
This is very validating.
glad to hear, thanks Nicole.
I AM the family scapegoat, and NO, I no longer believe their abuse & mind bending nonsense. I also REFUSE to fall back in line in their dysfunctional “hierarchy”
“Vulnerability hangover” good one! I used to call it afterburn but this is my new go-to.
Brilliant. As the middle child I went from scapegoat to forgotten child to scapegoat routinely. Abusive “mother” who stopped physical abuse as we aged but employed emotionally to this day. She saw all the abuse I took and did nothing but pull me aside and gossip about the perpetrators- then tossed a $20 as I left. Never had my back, but created mini versions of herself.
My whole body tensed up watching this. It hurt so bad. I've always known deep down, but just didn't want to believe that my own family was doing this to me. I needed to hear it from sometime else. Every single one of these examples is exactly me. I will learn from this. Thank you so much 💜
This is so good, Mary! I am so glad you started this channel. 💕
Thank you ☺️
Such a pleasant kind woman, she's the opposite of a dominant, hotshot, chantecleer, narcissistic mother. As Brando lammented.. I coulda been a contender! if my mother was a lot nicer.
Do the family pick another member as the scapegoat when you walk away or do they just continue to blame and mock the original scapegoat.
They'll use the original scaepgoat for as long as they can get supply from them, without supply they can't feed their addiction so eventually they'll need to seek out supply from another source.
@limegreen90 Of course, yes, that's exactly what they do. Thx. So very sad.
How about adding a video with 9 more signs... and on for a series of a hundred experiences that did happen to a family scapegoat? It would really be interesting. How much pain do these toxic, disfunctional families inflict on innocent lives‼😪
Thank you for trying to help.
I was called " the black sheep " " I was dead " " I don't exist" one of my brothers tormented me as an adolescent and adulthood. 15 - 25 years with the odd visit back home. I didn't miss a beat, no connection. I made peace within my self and do not enter into those relationships.
I was the family joke for coming out against my sister's sexual abuse and ut was an irritation from my mother, father, and sister. Actually the sexually abusive sister finally stopped touching my body after I told her to stop. Though she's narcissistic and still abusive so I have her on block. I turned it into making jokes about my family that they're silent on. I'm working financially on a 3 year cut off and break from them all.
Don't know why this vidéo came in my updates because i usually don't watch these type of things. And nobody in my childhood has ever done this to me.
The mother of my kids, on the other hand...she rarely said something really insulting or violent, but she was Always acting and talking to me like nearly everything i did or didn't do was not the thing to do, or Say...trying her best to prevent me from playing with my children and Never letting my kids see my parents...she Never have any reason to that and when i tried to talk to her about her behavior, especially if i was right the only answer she had to what i was saying was : it's not me it's you.
That's all
And being unable to express emotions and Always believing that i was wrong to be angry AT her, it was mean...all of that have me derealisation and depersonalisation.
Feeling separated from your emotions, your own thoughts are kind of separated, like if the stress has been so heavy over the years has covered my while identity with something heavy that prevent me from AT least feeling AT peace
I wanted to leave at 12 years old.
Thanks Mary - a helpful video. ❤ thanks for your work in sharing this.
Great video. Could you improve the audio? Even with a mic your volume is low.
Yes. I found the volume too low on both of the videos of Mary's which I played.
Very well explained, answered a lot of things that had been puzzling me. Thank you for posting.
I'm pretty sure I'm my family's scape goat. I'm 23 and leaving soon.
Go!!!
Run sweetheart!!! you are still young, and if you have children they will never be exposed to their toxicity.
This discibes me to a tee. Thank you .
My narcissistic, psychopath mother went around telling people I was unstable, my kids weren't ok with me, that she was so terribly disappointed in me, that I'm a huge f* up. I was married with 3 kids at home, two adult children out of the home.
My mother got the government to kidnap my kids and place them with her, she helped my husband abuse me and get a divorce from me where he got literally everything in the divorce except the debt. She destroyed my life and my relationships with every one of my kids. I've been heavily bullied by my mother, my ex husband and his family, and now by my kids who've been brainwashed to hate me (to see me as unstable, when I'm the only stable one of the family).
It's totally evil and my spirit has definitely been crushed.
So trueeee! Story of my life! Love your videos
Thank you very much
The trust issues and the redicule from family memb. So true. But I have also witness that they redicule and play games with others they dont feel they need aproval from. They are tricky to be around. Im glad i found this information, its good to get another confirmation that am not at fault here.
I've seen many family scapegoats.
This is so painful to watch. The thing is i really want to move out but i'm not financially independent. I was born to wrong people( i don't even like calling them my family) it took a really long time and a lot of resilience to find my own worth, self esteem and pick myself up to restart my life. Due to so much of abuse my physical health is now at it's worst and now have chronic ailments. It is such a painful thing to accept that I really don't have a family and no real support system even. Grief just hits you right in the heart.
Can you guide how you managed to cope with such situation
Education for me as the FSG: I could not concentrate at school. I cannot remember my life much before the age of 15 years old. Apparently we used to go on holiday with second cousins. I was told I was moderately intelligent but when I was very clinically depressed in about 1996 I did a Mensa test and got a result of an IQ of 140. I wasn't allowed the honours in my BA degree because I had anorexia nervosa and I was a day patient in psychiatry. I got top marks in my 1st and 2nd tears but crumbled in my final year because my family and friend s successfully talked me out of being a Christian They are mostly atheists and communists. I feel shame about just getting a Pass in my degree when I had anorexia.
😔