How I cut the parents & siblings out of my life (my journey of No Contact)
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 11 окт 2022
- Sharing my journey of No Contact & escaping the cult of the dysfunctional family unit. I got a banging headache just after finishing recording this (a healthy purging of energy OR were my ancestors mad at me? Lol). It feels good to share it though and break the ‘Don’t talk’ rule.
I hope it’s helpful to you.
***
Download my Free E-book here: www.marytoolan.com/E-Book
Join my monthly membership here: www.marytoolan.com/scr-member...
My Website: www.marytoolan.com
My 1:1 specialist recovery program here: www.marytoolan.com/coaching
Facebook:
/ scapegoatchildrecovery
Instagram:
/ scapegoatchildrecovery
![How do I live with the hurt? [of family rejection & contempt]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/TfssvVeL2_A/mqdefault.jpg)
I don’t care who is getting married, birthday parties, holidays, funerals, I am COMPLETELY done. I chose happiness, peace and love.
@Rachelle707. Same here Rachelle . I went no contact over 20 years ago from my parents and 6 younger adult siblings.
They are dead sorta of. I am done too.
AMEN. Nothing is worth letting them drain the life force from you. It's crazy because you'd never let a friend treat you bad, but family? We always let it go on too long.
that's exactly how i feel
💯
I am proud of you too. I left my entire narcissistic family system. I am the scapegoat. I finally stopped making excuses for bad behavior. I rather be alone than abused.
'I'd rather be alone than abused' YES to this!!!
Omg me2 u described me
🎯🎯🎯
👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
me too
I'm almost 60. I finally realized what I was feeling all my life: that I wasn't appreciated, respected, considered; that things were done with resentment toward me, judgment, gossip, and a sense of obligation. That love wasn't what permeated at home but bullying, stress, drama, and put downs were constant. I finally see the light and I am enjoying a peaceful, quiet life, at last. No contact is the remedy. I moved away, as well. Highly recommended!
I did the same as you I was 57 when I moved away and just went no contact that was 3 years ago kudos to you it's a journey to heal but the peace is just so splendid and so needed and yes you are right it's very very recommended
The sense of obligation I feel that alot. My youngest sibling told me as I left when I was moving that "I never belonged here anyway so leave" and "Family is going to help me raise my child even if you don't like them I do". I broke my nose getting my step Dad to quit beating my sister. To this day she says they are so close and that he's only bad when my mom has upset him. It's madness.
I am 58. Only realising it. The worst they still depend on me financially. If I cut her off financially. She and her boyfriend will end up literally in the streets.
A part of me would like to do that.
But having a homeless mother is completely different " type of warms". Do not know what to do. I f I don't send her money in January, she will be in the streets 😢
However, I have stopped contact ( apart from money issues; that she needs from me!.
This Christmas was a trigger to me. I finally had tge courage to ask my brother and niece to pay me back some money that it is owed to me from almost a year.
His response ( as predicted) was that his wife's family has moral values that I do not have . Despite having a good job, friends, not even a parking ticket.
And that I have a rotten soul. This has broken me today ( 25.12.2023). Despite the fact that they are having a good Christmas thanks to more money I loaned him, almost 4 weeks ago.
I need to seriously do No Contact.
Sorry for the long message 😢
@@lm7498 please please stop lending them money or giving them money cuz you're not getting it back it seems. What if you have no money you can't help them and you can't help yourself. Please stop allowing them to treat you this way by giving them money. You are way more worth than that
Yes I will end it all
My husband and I cut out his parents and sibling 20 years ago and have never looked back! The last 20 years without them in our lives has been INCREDIBLE!!!!
My husband and i cut out his parents and sibling. Sounds to me that you badgered your husband to break all ties
@@MsErikdekingmy thoughts exactly
@@MsErikdeking sounds like to me, you know how the world works. Sounds like to me, you smarter than Einstein.
@@theycallmeshug you too.
You sound like a terrible person.
I cut my entire family off over 30 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. It all came to a head one day over a holiday meal, where I went through three hours of being berated and verbal abuse! I stood up and grabbed my children and put their coats on put them in my car, and I drove away! I decided on that day that I was done! I was wasn’t going to go through one more day I’m feeling like complete crap from everybody who is supposed to love me! I WAS GOING TO GO WHERE I WAS CELEBRATED AND NOT TOLERATED! I eventually moved and changed my number. They will NEVER hear from me again.
yep, there's comes a time where every cell of our body says 'ENOUGH'
💪🏼
Having children of your own really seals the deal. 👍
Im worried about your nephews, nieces and your kids never knowing they are related.
@@melmel7011 Really?? THAT'S what you're worried about? Psh...they're better off NOT knowing them when you consider how their parents behave. I think you'd better get a life and stop trying to guilt people with this nonsense.
I went no contact with my parents first, my siblings second. It's been like escaping a web of drama and chaos. They keep spinning in a spiral, while I look away from the outside.
well done.
You made it out from a self contradictory vicious cycle. You live in a different state of existence. Thank God. They, your fellows of whom you talk are servants of hell and death. They live in the gall of bitterness or the bottomless pit which is which is the lake of woe and misery. Turn away and don’t loom back until you also claim the rock of eternity where onto if anyone claims will never fall.
It was scary at first, but I've done the same and I've never felt better.
So true.... Nobody understands or validates a scapegoat for how lonely they are
years ago, I'd have read your poetic take on this differently. Having been through hell with these type of "FOO" it rings SO true now. YOur words seem alarming at first but if you have been thru this truly; you have already had a taste of hell. And the heart almost aches for those who may/(may not?) realise they are on their way to that bad place, possibly terminally. I have a friend who prays over things like this. This friend is at a loss for HOW to pray for folk like this! @@malkiyahu either way these are BAD ppl to have
I did the same thing. People judge me all the time for it. Very few understand that to cut of your family is a huge decision to make to avoid more abuse.
Yes, and it's very painful.
We read of child abuse all the time, yet somehow people can't comprehend that some parents are abusive.
I find it better not to share my story with most people. Then there is less judgement and no explanation needed to people who don't understand. Perhaps this is an idea that might work for you. I'm not trying to give advice but just to share a solution that works for me.
@@moirahill6397What do you say when they ask?
@Godlywoman88 I don't put myself in a position where they can ask. I don't tell 'my story' to people unless they are the very closest of friends. Basically I have cut out everyone who is that type of person that would ask and judge. These days I only have time for people who have my back.
@@Joelswinger34 Ha! Odd that. :(
They don’t hate you because you’re so bad. They loathe you because you’re so good.
I am the black sheep because I didn’t let them snuff out my light. Too bad. I will reach my potential.
@@susanjelleberg4485 isn’t it funny how some people will tenaciously Guard their inside no matter the damage and threat to their outside. Others will throw away their inside. The outside is repairable; the inside not so much.
💯
This
@@MarcSmith23 "isn’t it funny how some people will tenaciously Guard their inside no matter the damage and threat to their outside. Others will throw away their inside. The outside is repairable; the inside not so much."
The above comment makes no sense.
I’m 68 years old. I divorced my entire family years ago and moved away. Best thing I ever did and I wish I had done so years before. 👍
I wish i could be so "tough' abt it. I went NC after years of being the leper. Now when one of them dies it all comes back to haunt me. I wish i coukd just move on and not get anxiety abt it and them. Im sure none of them give a shit abt me or think too long abt me !
You moved away to Cornwall ?
Cool 😎
Thanks for sharing! I'm nervous I will regret it.
Its hard to believe, but true. What about your own family? I hope you can hold on to yours and that more than the ones you lost here are waiting for you beyond the veil!!
Me too!!!
Cut off those FAKE friends and never look back . Block those siblings pressurizing you to phone your narc parents.
Well done Mary.
Thanks Beti
I know, what a bunch of jerks. I think sometimes people who do this are jealous because they are pretending their families are better than they are.
Just very weak, selfish people.
Siblings want to trap you to take care of the parents while they get only the social recognition and inheritance while you sacrifice your time,energy as a care giver who never gets the recognition and a break
Yes my daughter can’t even take a shower without being on the phone 😂 and she be trying to fix everybody needs and not her own I told my kids they need to get it together they not to far from 30years old and don’t do nothing with they life
@suelamalasi8654 This happened to me with cousins , my phone would blow up with can i do this that and the other for their mother ( my aunt whom i loved dearly). After she passed 2 years ago…. I rarely hear from them , wasn’t invited to one’s sons wedding , one got engaged AFTER i left a Xmas eve gathering then 3 months later texted can i watch his dog . We’re a small family and it’s emotionally rough but I’ve gotta LET GO. The occasional breadcrumbs hurt too much . I don’t mean anything to these people and I’ve got to accept it . Hoping it’ll get easier with time
Moved away from parents and siblings
Started a new life, changed my name, and I have never looked back and never been happier. Best decision I ever made. 🙂
This is what I want to do
Me too...
Im changing my name as well!
I’m considering changing my name, too.
No matter where you go or whatever you do you’ll still take your “wardrobe” ie head/memories with you. Moving away and changing names isn’t a solution, it’s a coping mechanism.
I'm in my late 60s. I ran away from home in my teens and put myself through university on the other side of Canada. Which was as far away as I could get. In my late 20s, with an education and greater maturity, I moved closer to my family. I tried every idea from every self-help book to establish a decent relationship with them. As well as conversations with therapists to establish a functional relationship with the damaged, damaging, dysfunctional gang. Nothing worked, but then they went after my children. At that point, about 20 years ago, I cut all contact. I don't hate them, but I am indifferent to them. I also have the inner peace of knowing that I did the best I knew how to do. My parents are deceased now, as are other family members. Two of whom became the scapegoats in two different branches of the family, they both suicided. I don't miss the family I grew up with. I focus on my spouse and children.
Thank you for sharing this! 🤍✨
It's a good thing you were wise to recognize early that they were going after your children because you've saved yourself a lot of heartache and your children from being damaged by them.
Hey ,I just today decided to cut my mother ,father and family off today . It's been a long time coming but after today's session I decided to do it . I'm looking for new family. New friends...new set of parents. Would love to connect .... I'm 36years. Live In Kenya but coming to Canada for school in the fall
Congratulations to you on building a positive life for yourself,after running away from the parents. That's terrible,what happened to the two family members who were driven to suicide by being scapegoated ! Being a scapegoat can be life threatening , one must escape and cot off those abusers, I'm so sorry they never had the chance, or thought to do that. If there were better social safety nets in the Americas, getting away from toxic family members would be easier to do and succeed at, instead of winding up homeless. Yes ! Staying around bad people can kill a person, literally !! Kudos to everyone who left or is making plans to. I did, finally,in my early 40's. I just wish it was when I was 18,and my whole life was waiting for me. I wasted all my good years with a needy, covert narcissist mother. As soon as she had to go to the hospital for her terminal condition, I yanked the phone out of the wall, went to contact with her other toxic relatives. I rode out this strange,new situation dealing with my mother's passing all alone. It was hard,but it would have been far worse,had those predatory relatives known she was dying ! Two and half decades later, I have absolutely NO regrets cutting them all off ! As an autistic, this was a struggle. But everything in America is a struggle unless you are well off. One thing though : one must know,if you're a churchgoer, you will be told you must reconcile with your abusers ! You were placed into your abusive family for a reason, they'll say. So don't tell church people or the pastors about your family, because they will move to stop you from leaving. Simply say you don't discuss personal matters in church,IF you go to church.
@@JulieSevelson-nb9nj In my case the "People of the Lie" provided me with insight that no other self-help book did. I wasn't looking for it, it fell on my head while I was browsing in a bookstore decades ago. I recently learned that Peck (author) was influenced by Malachi (Catholic priest). His book was deeply influenced by Catholic belief. Typical Catholics, let alone priests, wouldn't analyze situations as Peck did. But this is why Gandhi said something like "I like Jesus. It's the Christians I have trouble with." Before each of us and God, as they say.
never tell your problems because 20% dont care and 80% are glad you have them
Lol I certainly would hope that 80% of people are sociopathic and sadistic enough to be glad about others suffering 😅
Otherwise we'd be in real trouble
It's fair to say most are indifferent tho
@@AbdullahHashi-kw3qj you also have those that pretend to care, like their own problems dont mean anything.
So true, sympathy or empathy are not coming from either.
@@jamesbruce8749 always looking for something perfect yet fails to hold the mirror in front of their own face
10 years no contact with my siblings and 3 years no contact with my father. My entire family became their flying monkeys and I had to distance myself from them too. I was in a constant state of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn response. I felt profound grief after leaving. Grief over the family I wish I had and nursed the wounds of rejection. The journey towards healing is grueling….
I hear ya ❤🩹
Very grueling.
You sound weak. A strong person confronts and solves. Best of luck! It can be 2023, but human nature hasn’t changed in at least 10,000 years.
I’m so glad you posted this. It’s not in my head.
😊
" I am proud of myself, for being able to step away from people who are unable to stop hurting me." I loved that 🙏🏽 so very profound and brave. I must add that I notice you are radiating peace and light 🌷✨️
Thank you so much Naledi ☺️☺️☺️
Sister of my female parent once said behind me: "he will get used to be treated with contempt." And if u'd come to see her as a guest in her home, u'd thought like she was an angel. Incredible. Just incredible.
Pride is the universal sin and that is the reason Lucifer fell from heaven and lost his chance to even dream of having a family of his own. Life is full of pain and adversity that gives us experience. Some people self pity themselves as much as you glorify your own flesh and confuse drama with trauma.
@@malkiyahu I am proud to step away from my family who repeatedly and unremorsefully break the Ten Commandments, hurt so many people, and deprive people of food, clothing, transportation, health. There is no pride in enabling people who sin. When I am with them, they encourage me to do the same. I will not. No contact is the only way to live. Matthew 19:29-30
@@malkiyahuyou're going to experience what it's like to be abuse
Went to a priest years ago on the advice of a friend who knew what I was going through with my family. His advice was “run , don’t walk. Get as far away from those people as you can. You have a responsibility to live the best life you can”. I’d did just that and never regretted a moment of it.
What a great guy. I would assume a priest would tell you to endure.
I am a 57 year old happily married woman with a great job and great friends. I went no contact 25 years ago from a physically abusive step father and a mother who watched on. My life would have been very different if I hadn't have cut them out of my life.
I may have this w my dad and mom- wondering if it’s for sure… they are loving in so many ways but this insurgent for me… wish I could get clear
@@visionvixxen Get clear! If you are 18 or over you can just go
You should than God for that physically abused father for love him or hate him, he did love you more than your real folks or at the very least enough to hurt you. And more so you should thank the gardener who cut you off from your parents.
God is the gardener
m.ruclips.net/video/oDrhvm9EnJ4/видео.html
@@visionvixxen in this case I understand but other people cut contact with their family for petty reasons...don't get it
I can relate to your story. I cut off my sister (only sibling & a narcissist) after she slept with my boyfriend. I cut off my sociopath abusive father 15 years ago and he died during covid shut down in USA. I cut my narcissist mother 11 months ago when I started intensive therapy for BPD. I also cut off my extended family because they fostered the same role of the scapegoat the family of origin put on me. I’m thriving now for the first time in 53 years.
Thank you for sharing. I am THRILLED to hear you are thriving. that's so amazing.
I am s=so happy you are thriving & have your freedom !
Good for you, you are still young, enjoy your life. Hugs
Awesome....great for you!
So should I cut off my toxic mother if she slept with my ex ?? Even if it was an ex from years ago ??
I had to do the same with my sister, the saddest shock from my situation was that instead of her becoming concerned, she became aggressive/rude and toxic toward me - which in turn proved to me I did the right thing to cut her out of my life.
When you start to wake up, their fake mask starts to slip and they can no longer keep up the two-faced pretense, because they know that you know.
The golden child wants to keep you around as much as the main narcissist.
😎♥️🫶🏼🌎☮️✌️💪🎧💃🕺🏄♀️🏖️❄️☃️🎄🏂🌻Celebrate surviving them giving yourself a big healing energy love hug every day, happy dance with yourself and accept the gift from the universe of having the best rest of your life without them, woo hoo!!! Let karma handle them without you. They are below you, don’t deserve you. Have fun!!! ♥️✌️
very brave of you, its inspiring.
I proud of you! I just went no contact
At age 70. I am free from shear evil. Life is good now! No remorse about leaving
There is so much judgment from society around this. I kept getting told “but it’s your family!” Like that meant I should be accepting of the abuse. Thank you for discussing this. I would like to hear more about how you felt emotionally as I really struggled with this. People just don’t realise how much we actually want to be a part of the family, to be loved and accepted. I kept getting told how emotionally cold I must be to do this. If only they knew the truth 😢
yep - a huge societal taboo, which means that children continue to be abused in secret.
Right? In some cases, you are better off cutting off contact to preserve your sanity.
We are conditioned that "blood is thicker than water" and no matter how relatives treat you, you should remain forever loyal to them. This explains why so many that want to get out are trapped into staying.
People overlook the mental torture and despair that victims go through, believing they should be stronger, and overlook the abuse.
What they are doing is condoning the abuse and supporting the abusers. One last comment because someone is related to you, it doesn't mean they care or love you.
This is a myth that needs to be addressed that no one dares to talk about.
It is true because the story is "all parents unconditionally love their kids," and because it is true most of the time, people don't want to believe that some people can't love even their own kids. Love means caring about their well being, putting their needs first (parent to a child). Care about their child's well being, think the best of them, take their side, are a safe person in their life. I had a friend who was in her 20's when her parents died, and she was constantly encouraging me to talk to my family and would say "You know how much I would give to be able to talk to my parents?" to which I replied, "I would have been infinitely better off if my parents had died". It was the same year as 9/11 and I saw all those heartbroken families and a few years later I thought about how much better my life would have been if everyone closest to me was in those planes. (husband, parents, brother and sister-in -law). If they could have died before I knew what they were capable of doing to me and my children
@@EveningTV ugh
I believe u
Some families will absolutely lie about you. Mine did and are still doing. 6 siblings. I don’t worship at the “family” alter anymore. 🇺🇸♥️🕊
Whew! Me either 💯
I went no contact from my parents in 2014 and most of my siblings in 2016. In 2014, I escaped a violent marriage and I discovered that my family supported the man who almost killed me and were telling each other that I lied about the abuse. I came to realize that my family didn't like me since I was a child. The role they wanted me to play was family screw up. When I succeeded in my career, my family members kept pointing to my faults real or imagined -- even if they had to dig into my childhood to find them -- while ignoring my career successes. When I escaped the violent marriage and my parents sided with the abusive ex, they tried to hide it because I was on the hook to care for my aging mother and they didn't want to let that go. It was too juicy for them to dig into the open wound of my abuse that they couldn't help but let the cat out of the bag.
Life was better when I went no contact because I let go of ever getting my family's approval. When holidays rolled around and there were happy scenes of family, I just repeated my mantra; "some people have normal families, some people have narcissist families. It's the luck of the draw and not my fault." I rebuilt my concept of family and friendship and I don't miss them. I rarely even think of them. The no contact enabled me to gain clarity around my childhood and the abuse heaped on me and around who I really am as a person once I was able to separate from who my family wanted me to be.
This same thing happened to me. Abusive ex started a smear campaign-parents and brother took it as an opportunity to jump on the bandwagon and make me the problem. They never asked my side of what happened. They started inviting my ex-husband and MY son to holidays (I wasn't invited). I've never felt so betrayed in my life. The hard part was that my parents had been divorced for over 30 years and never speak-they weren't influencing each other. Each, on their own, decided to support him. I cut them off 10 years ago, best thing I ever did. I also had to cut my siblings out because they didn't care-they were only concerned with keeping the status quo so they would get the inheritance. I'm happy to say that I'm living my best life and I know i"m happier than they will ever be. My Dad passed away earlier this year and I'm relieved, he can't hurt me anymore. I'm incredibly grateful to my Aunts and cousins who saw the abuse and validated my feelings. They have been the best ever. Best of luck to you♥
FAMILY gaslighting SCAPEGOAT by SIDING WITH THEIR ABUSIVE PARTNER is so common & often OVERLOOKED by psychologists. I went through the same thing, my ex abusive drug addict partner became best friends with my brother & step family up north, so I lost them all. My step mom asked me what I did wrong (she worked in a battered womens home) She crushed my soul. I felt so isolated. Eventually, I moved away & stopped visiting. After my abuser burnt his bridges, he was still invited to events while I was ignored. He overdosed. I cried while my brother yelled at me calling dozens of times.
My family also
Sided with my ex, i felt guilty for my lids that they wouldn’t grow up with their aunts but hey they can have my ex bring the kids over since they are one happy famiky😅
Same story here. My mother told me I didn't *know* my XH was doing the things he was doing and I better shut up about it before I 'ruined my marriage.' They treated him like the victim when I divorced him and he's the one who gets invited to family events.
I've also had the 'ignore any and all successes' thing. I've been successful in my field, well-loved by colleagues & clients, did well in my business I started...nope, all anyone talked about was how I needed to somehow be better. My husband now is all they claim to value, too, well-educated, great job, great sense of humor, very good to my kids. They snub him, too at my kids' family events. His very existence gives lie to the image they want people to have of me. I'm supposed to be too much of a screw-up to ever attract anyone better than a stoned bum living under a bridge.
I had a similar response, Mary, with my immune system. I developed autoimmune responses to the stress I was under from impossibly demanding and impossible to please parents, sister and more. Finally my body literally would not allow me to see them or talk to them even one more time. It’s been over 4 yrs NC for me now, and while it’s been hard and sad, it’s been necessary and life saving. I am 65, btw. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad I found your channel.
God bless u my dear.
Me too 68 yrs old and finally figuring out why I have felt so bad about myself for years!! Was told I was the problem and that I’m crazy so my younger sister recently called me a miserable f--king bitch for the last time she did many times before that said everything begins and ends with you and I fight with everyone BLAME BLAME BLAME that has been the story of my life especially with my mother and sister so I just started very low contact with my family just this past Thanksgiving and it’s been traumatizing to say the least but for my own mental healths this is something I must do for myself also have gone back to church to get spiritual help too which really helps. My free my fellow scapegoats! You deserve it after so many years
I developed an autoimmune disease at the age of 19 because my mother was furious I started working (while also studying) and that gave me more independence. So she yelled at me, took away my food, threatened to drive me out of the flat and if I talked back she'd beat me. That eventually led to the autoimmunity and it took me many years to gather my strength and cut her off.
Hope you're healing 🙏@@pushista9322
@@pushista9322I believe my mother is the root cause of my autoimmune issues too. By 20, I was on deaths door with it. I'm now 40, and finally went no contact 6 months ago.
It takes some people longer than others to divorce their families,but you made it. I divorced my toxic family thirty years ago and it was the best thing ever. I haven’t regretted it for a minute since.
I like the way Dr.Laura Schlessinger puts it, they are not family if they treat you badly, they are just relatives. My husband calls them "scamily." (scam of a family)
It is sad. It is better to have a bad father, than no father at all. I grew up without them most of my life and I regret if anything that more than anything else.
@@malkiyahu it is absolutely not true that having a bad father is better than none. Dumping him was the best thing I’ve ever done and I got away before he could completely destroy me.
@@greyhoundgirl9726Facts, anybody that gets mad because I speak up about the way I'm being treated is not my father, that's my sperm donor and the other lady just carried me. I know good parents and I wasn't blessed with them.
@@greyhoundgirl9726I forgave mine and he has been dead for 34 years. It took me that long to do it. I can remember at least a few positive things now as opposed to only bad.
I’m in the middle of the terror and being gaslight. I still live at home with the narcissists and I’m 34 Im the idiot who helped everyone get their life together and now they refuse to let me go. Im full of aches and pains and financially stuck. This video was so so helpful. I have a life to look forward to. Thank you. I will subscribe.
G G, is there any way that you can go to the local DPSS office and see if you can get assistance for getting moved out of that house ? I don't know your financial situation,of course. But since you're being abused, and things are being done to you, it's worth the enquiry. And TELL NO ONE, besides the agencies what you are trying to do ! Even a domestic violence shelter sounds better than the circumstances you're in right now. Plus, pets need a safe place too ! They aren't safe in the abusers' homes.
Can you make a plan to leave? It may take some time but it can be done ❤
How are you feeling now?
@GGVanilla - isn't that usually the case, us 'scapegoaters' helping the rest of the family in a positive, caring way, only for them to throw it back in our faces?! Is there a way to leave? Leaving can be frightening in itself when you've known nothing else. I hope you are doing better today. xo
This is my life! I’m 29 and after all the help I gave without keeping track. The childish drama and lies continue yet I’m “only victimizing myself” or I’m wrong for whatever they accused me off. Im thinking what’s the point of sticking together if I’m always in the wrong .
I don’t know how RUclips knew I’d identify with you, but glad to learn of you today. I finally parted ways with my very similar “family of origin”, awful abusive people, ten years ago at the age of 47. You even touching on your nervous system is blowing my mind! Nice to “meet you”, Mary; I’ll be following from Rhode Island.
Hi 👋 Pamela, thank you and sorry you experienced this too
I've also experienced a relative I went no contact with contacting people who knew me to try and get them onboard to pile on the hate since they could no longer do it. They've written letters to the family on my husband's side, made old friends of mine their friends, and contacted business colleagues. They've stalked me on social media and forced me to shut down business ventures by targeting my followers. Like you said, going no contact isn't a clean cut. they may keep on fighting because they've lost their supply, and they're going to be really angry about that. After 5 years, I've decided this won't stop until they're dead. It wouldn't even stop if I died, they would target my kids and anyone who cares about me to try and destroy in their minds who they think I am to replace it with a lie.
To anyone who has never experienced this, I'm sure it must seem completely unbelievable that anyone could be this evil and make themselves look like the victim. Even when you catch them in a lie, others will say, 'I'm sure they didn't mean it'. I've endured 65 years of this, and for the first 60, I tolerated it because of the belief that you have to be loyal to family no matter what and that one day, they would change. They never change. I so wish I'd cut them off sooner.
Yes,Sue ! Exactly right ! Gangstalking is a real thing ! And relatives who are abusers do this too ! I went incognito,there wasn't social media then. I'm not on Facebook or anything. I feel blessed to have gotten away at my age back when I was 41, though in reality,it was my teens when I SHOULD have done it ! I'm still kicking myself for letting meddlesome church people tell me I had no right to shut them out,that God was going to " fix" everything and bring " good" out of it all. Yeah, right ! I ought to have just disappeared at 18,and damn the consequences, because the 70's were still a good time economic wise,in the U.S.
So, thankful for comments like this because I'm 23 and I hear the same things all the time.
Perhaps it’s time to have a lawyer write up a cease and desist letter. If they continue to defame you then you can sue them for slander.
Though I disconnected geographically, I still had some connection. What shocked me was I felt no grief when they died. My father (did nothing with me as a child, ever), my mother (so wrapped up in herself being a victim even though she was blessed), and my eldest brother (who sexually assaulted me when I was a little girl) apparently had managed to pretty much kill any feeling I had for them. I know I'm capable of grief, as I grieved deeply for my best friend and my dog when they died, but I didn't grieve my family members at all.
Yes I grieved my dog deeply too. 😊
I so relate to this, in fact it brings tears to my eyes. I have grieved my beloved dogs so much more than any family member. Genuine loss of genuine , loyal friends that love me and I loved them unconditionally. My animals companions have been the joy of my life. They were true friends. The grief I have felt over losing the last two is so pure, I belief it has triggered a cascade of sorrow stuffed inside this tired body for years and years.
@@PammyP I'm so sorry, Pam. As you know, I get it. The Queen said in her speech delivered for her at a memorial at the World Trade Centre sight that "The price we pay for love is grief." So true. And so worth it in my opinion. I did get a new puppy a couple of months after my Max died. I needed some life in the house other than me. I still grieved a lot, but it's impossible not to smile at the antics of a puppy. And a year later, another puppy so my little one had a friend. We are a happy little threesome now. They got me through the isolation of Covid. All the best, Pam!
OMG I know how this feels. When my mother died, and I was at the funeral with my three toxic siblings, I remember sitting there thinking "God, I don't even feel sad". I felt nothing. No one spoke (because there was nothing nice to say).
@Margaret McGill, I experienced similar.
To me I find it very interesting how ALL scapegoats are cutting off their families at the same time. Im done with my narc family and they have gone crazy. Best of luck in your new journey because it is only up from here 🙌🏾
It reminds me of the second “Pirates of the Caribbean” where the half man half oceanic creature aboard the Flying Dutchman kept repeating “we must have a captain. The ship must have a captain.”
The mind numbed lemmings are doing the same. “We must have a scapegoat. Our family needs a scapegoat…”. And they want YOU to get back in that role, lest one of THEM be forced to play it.
I decided to cut them off today starting from scratch
Yes! We are DONE. Time is up. 💯
I am having fireworks going off in my head totally deep into therapy right now to unwind the origin narcs in my family .. I am the scapegoat but the strongest willed and ready to take action once I’ve had enough and I HAD HAD IT!!! Narc parent 1 rules and the followers bow down and live the lies they dish out … I can no longer do it I just can’t I need to breathe! The jealousy and shade thrown my way are unforgettable. I know it will take time but what goes around comes around! My narc parent rather not speak with me because I refuse to go along with the lies!
I've just left my family of origin at 28, after four years of being coerced into their dysfunctional dynamics and serving as their scapegoat. I was physically assaulted by my brother for standing up to my father (who is an alcoholic). I have nothing left, as my brother also destroyed everything I owned in that house. I'm leaving them behind for good. It's hard because I have no money and am between jobs, with no place to stay, but I feel in my gut I made the best decision of my life. Hearing stories like yours makes me feel like a sane person.
I'm sorry that you're going through this . I pray that you find a job , a place to call home and caring friends . God bless you . 💕🙏🇨🇦
The reason they fight so hard to keep you is there must always be a scapegoat. If you are gone, they must choose another within the immediate family to take your place. They don't miss you. They miss their punching bag.
Congratulations on making your escape. ❤
You are so spot on about the “don’t talk about it” rule….that is alive and kicking in my family
Yes, the public image is all-important, the bad stuff is to be kept a secret.
Fight club
As a child, I was conditioned to thinking that there was something wrong with me, that I did something to cause my father to molest me, that there was something so despicable about me to cause my mother to constantly tear me down, criticize me.
I lived with the abuse into my 40s. Then I learned my father raped my daughter.
That’s when I decided my family was so toxic that it was harming me and my kids. I couldn’t allow it anymore.
So I wrote them a letter spelling out the most harmful things they had done and told them I never want to see or hear from any of them again. That didn’t stop them from calling me, but I would put the receiver down as soon as I heard their voices.
Decades have gone by, and my parents have passed. I didn’t go to the funerals.
I still don’t have any contact with my siblings.
I am a happier, more whole person for having cut off all contact. I love my life.
Im sorry
I hope he's burning in hell
I too was molested by my father . Made into the scapegoat of my family. I only realised in my 60s that my mother was a Narcaccist. She prefered to call me imbalanced even to my own children, that face the fact she had not protected me and treated me badly growing up, even till death. I stopped contact for 5 yrs while dealing with the after affects of their abuse. I did not attend my father's funeral because of my role as scape goat. I could not mentally put myself through that. Recently my mother died. Due to covid and my daughter expecting a baby, I did not attend her funeral either.
I loved my parents, as a child bonded through biology, survival and now I know..trauma bond.
My siblings are paralysed in the fake labrynth of the family system. Demonizing me as uncaring and the rest, you name it.
I do not grieve my parents. I have no remorse as I did love and care for my family of origin very much. I feel relief from torment. I grieve for the child and adult who suffered the legacy of mental, physical and sexual abuse.
Sadly there are many of us out here, trying to make sense of the world we were born into. We DO have a voice.
@@suziew1267 Thanks for sharing. Your post helped me a lot. Best Wishes.
@@sagebay2803 I am so glad. Reading other's has helped me too. This is why we need to share our experiences. Best wished and sending love.
My parents are deceased and I have cut off my 5 siblings as was making me ill and caused allsorts of health issues. At 60 best decision I ever made but do mourn the family I should have had. Well done wishing you well
It's definitely "the look of contempt", all the while they are demanding you do things for them. If I won the lottery I know they would say "you can't do that!" :)
Your home is supposed to be your safe haven from the lousy world. I truly feel for those who suffer this family dynamic and can only imagine how awful it must be for you. God bless every one of you.
My own mother torments me everyday of my life it’s so depressing & draining she has messed me up mentally, physically, emotionally, financially & spiritually. But im never going to give up bcus that’s what she wants and my GOD is bigger then the torments & evil plots she has been doing to me all my life……🥺🙏🏽
@@StillAlive-t8e Do you have to stay? How old are you? Do you work? If you can take baby steps to independence, this will help you along the way mentally to deal with stuff while you are still in the thick of it. It is not your job to take care of her, especially since she treats you badly. Baby steps, ask God for help and to show you how to get out, and you keep an eye out for opportunities. If you can dig real deep, I would put on a happy face every day and buck her and show her she can't get under your skin but do it in a nice way. Just put that force field up and keep it there. If she picks on you personally, say, "Thank you for pointing that out. I will work on that." Keep it businesslike and don't show vulnerability. She will get angry that you are changing your responses to her, and that she cannot get you to jump when she wants you to. I would keep it very businesslike but cheerful. You are impermeable now. Nothing gets through. Eat a lot of beef with fat and butter and cheese and you will have such a force field nobody can penetrate. I eat a carnivore diet with a little veg here and there when I want it. I swear, I don't care what anyone says to me. It bounces right off. I wake up and tell myself I am stronger than anything that will happen this day. It really works. I tell my bad memories to take a hike, too. Just like that, in those words. I live in the present moment and try to never engage the past when it wants to creep in, every 15 minutes, it seems. HAHA. And develop a great sense of humor to also combat the bad feelings. I look for the joke in everything now. I wish for you the best future and to get your life back for yourself and live happily and long. God bless you.
@@StillAlive-t8e my mom pure evil
@@StillAlive-t8e don't give up when we really understand all of demons, just boundaries
It can be depending on the person, my father was supportive. But my mother was a nightmare.
Thank you so much for sharing. On a metaphysical/spiritual level, I find it interesting that when the family trashcan finally distances themself from the family of origin, the abuser(s) physically deteriorate. It’s as if they don’t get their feed of energy and their bodies are unable to process all their own toxicity anymore. I’m so happy you were able to choose yourself and your health and sanity. Many thanks for being open and willing to share your story.
Yes. I know of other people whom this has happened.
Thanks for your kind comments. 🙂
This is so true, instead of facing their own issues, they project this to scapegoat, now when they leave there is a vacuum
Wow fascinating. My brother and sister in law had a heart attack and stroke respectively in their 50s. I finally went no contact ten years later so they are in their 60s now - imagining then deteriorating even more physically fits their toxicity - their demise will not be pretty
@@MJ-qb5ph
My brother who I finally cut off appeared to be our saving grace as a struggling single parent if two boys, he couldn't help but treat me terrible & last year got himself a restraining order against his child's mom. Makes sense. Just too bad this thread from my dad has such a sad reach.
I noticed that when you speak about your family you use the words ‘the parents’ and ‘the siblings’. I imagine that helps to disconnect psychologically. I found that interesting as I struggle with using ‘my dad’ or ‘dad’. I also like the term ‘male parent’. Thank you for this insight.
Yes. You’re very welcome 👍
Hello Mary! I admire your bravery for cutting the chord from those narcissists, manipulators, and backstabbers because they will NEVER change and treat you with the respect you deserve. My situation is EXACTLY like yours. My heart goes out to you. You’re in my prayers sweet lady.🌹
That’s very kind of you, thank you Tyra
It's reassuring hearing your story Mary.
I am 49, and have had no contact with my family for nearly twenty years now. Its difficult at times, I now live in Ireland, originally from Australia and a large Italian family.
I realise now that I put myself in bad relationships and marriages, because I was desperately searching for my own sense of family.
I am happy on my own now, needed the perspective to process nearly five decades of putting up with bad behaviour in others, to my detriment.
I recently was contacted by a brother who is now terminally ill, it sent me spinning for a few months. It is a constant process of having to stabilise emotions whilst remaining true to yourself. Stay strong, we need to put ourselves first, which can be difficult for empathic personalities.
Thanks for sharing Rose.
@Rose C I just ended all contact and I am older than you. Parents are deceased. I was scapegoat since as long as I can remember. I'm curious how you dealt with your brother contacting you and being terminally ill? Did you speak? Did he finally admit that you were abused and apologize? Thx.
@@BeeBeeBell agree - this information would be incredibly helpful to others who may be face with this situation
@@BeeBeeBell Hi! It's been pretty tough finding out. We only messaged on Facebook, I was estranged from my brother's as they did the dirty on me dividing up my late father's estate. Lots of upsetting behaviour and it hurt me because I was almost a mother to them due to my own mother's mental illness. He hasn't apologised, he wanted me to know he has a young daughter, I think facing his mortality has got him thinking about how his daughter will remember him when he isn't here anymore. I cried so many times over it, then thought he is still being quite narcissistic, I don't feel like he is really interested in how I have felt all these years. I had a terrible breakdown in my early thirties, and went through it alone. I am finding it difficult to just forget about the mistreatment. As much as it is hard, I am almost grateful that finances just make it too difficult for me to travel back. I know its a cop out in a way, but I have to protect myself, I don't have anyone to fall back on and need to look after my mental health first. I guess I just feel so exhausted from propping up others all my life, I had to learn the hard way.
@@MJ-qb5ph Hi, it is really hard to tell you the truth. I am such a sensitive person. I have had to go into self protection mode in a roundabout way, although I cried myself to sleep many times. It has been so long that in a way, he made the decision to follow my family's disfunction, because it served my brothers financially and socially. As a girl, I had less choice, I wasn't happy being disregarded and expected to sit in a corner and shut up. I'm glad things are much different now for his own young daughter. I've wished him well and told him I would see his daughter whenever I returned home again. I'm not going to punish her, she will be losing a father at barely seven. I hope he has seen the world differently now, and it is ironic that both my brothers had only girls. I hope he finds some peace before he dies. I do feel so very sad for him. Forty seven is too young to be facing death.
You SHOULD be so proud of yourself, Mary. I could relate to almost every detail of your story! I couldn't imagine how painful it must have been to learn that YOUR friends believed them and bought into their narrative (although I agree with the notion that it is a societal blind spot, and not at all personal). You are helping so many people by sharing your story and insights as you do. Thank you so, so much!
Thank you very much Brandee for your support and kind words.
I too am the scapegoat. Finally at 55 I have left behind the illusion. I am falling in love with God view of me and looking at me from his view. The monsterous voice of my mother's has been demolished. The minute I did it, something left my soul. If you keep going back to a dry well, you will never get the living water the one who is waiting on you to give up
Fake Love, and let Him embrace you. I go free. Give up the "opinion and approval of man, stop feeling guilty" Put you and your real heavenly Father on the throne of your life where He belongs and you climb up on his lap, his arms will embrace you, he will let you lay your head on his shoulder and cry and the He will hold a mirror up to you and in the reflection you will behold true love.
Fyi My mother is a covert narc and also in the pulpit, they love to tell others what to do, but you dont see the complete lack of empathy going on in her family. A true bully and I take responsibility for staying trauma bonded to the coldness and shame. I cut the cord, never again. THANK YOU GOD FOR ERRADICATING THE "DEMON Narc" FROM MY SOUL AND HEART. Thank you for speaking out.
Yes. Well done. I am now free since 2000 . No more bullying playing favourites or any other abuse. Stay strong. My life is now great. 65 and loving my life without them in it. I dont do facebook so they cant track my life. Such peace. 🙂.
❤
I am very proud of you. Your gentle temperament is evident, and usually when people have a temperament like that it is hard for them to protect themselves. Also like you said you learned about narcissism before there was so much social media content about it. Kudos to you, so happy you escaped that horrible abuse❤
Thank you very very much
@@scapegoatchildrecovery Thank you , Mary for telling your story. Yes,when you're the nice person in the family,the other dysfunctional ones will walk all over you. It's essential to get out and as far away as one can ! I no longer hate my relatives, but I'll never go near them or contact them. It's better for all sides for me to stay away for peace of mind,and absolutely,your health can be threatened by constant interaction with abusive,scapegoating family members ! I just wish my mother,who was the result of an adulterous fling between two married narcissists,and unwanted( 1933)had been aborted or left at the charity hospital she was born in ! She'd have been better off.
My heart goes out to you Mary. You are so brave. The smear campaigns and not being believed is the worst. Celebrating your courage to break the cycle of pain and ignorance, and heal! Thank you for all that you share. You have helped me and so many tremendously. Best wishes
I had a friend who went "no contact" with her mother and older sister. I knew the mother well and supported my friend in her decision. I'm sorry your friends didn't have the strength to support you. I would think that even more devastating than what your family did. Keep up the encouraging work.
Thank you for being understanding o this dynamic , your friend is very lucky to have you and I’m sure vice versa :)
The family played the bewildered, innocent, abused role to the friends. They usually are very good at manipulation.
the most poignant scene in a move that I can remember is in the Truman Show when Truman knew something was rally wrong and he begged his best friend to tell him the truth and his best friend looked him right in the eyes and lied.
Most often these "friends" are narcissists or enablers (flying monkees), they enjoy siding with the narcissist and show their true colours when you require their support.
I've been no contact with my parents and three of my four siblings since 2019. No regrets given what I had to endure since childhood.
What about when it's your child who talks to you as a parent as if you are stupid, harsh over nothing. Parent has to walk on egg shells, child doesn't even keep in touch, then is upset that said parent has no idea what is going on because child never says. I was this lady in my sibling family. I really don't have contact with them, they could care less.
Just listening now, but I wish I’d heard this years ago! The advice I got from so many directions was to stay involved with them, to stay on their side, to be good and win them over. What a freaking waste of time. Now when I hear from some of them(it’s a huge family), I just cry. It feels so good to be alone finally. So many of the stories you tell are in my stories, too. At one point when I began to actually to rise out of it, there was so much rage directed at me. It surprised me then, but now it makes sense to me. I became something I still can’t fathom in response to it all. I guess that’s the tears. Thankful to be free. 🙏
Oh,yes ! And churches are infamous for enforcing contact with relatives,no matter what they did, or how toxic they are. Scripture is weaponized to beat you into submission to the relatives and church members,who usually always take a he abuser's side ! I thought it was just my perception at first, but in blogs about spiritual abuse, this is usually how it goes,even for famous abuse cases. Don't let churches and pastors bully you into returning to toxic families and situations. In fact, don't say a word to THEM about anything !
Never thought I could ever get away from my generational narcissistic family. So liberating and sad at the same time. Empathic people mourn when they love and are not loved back . The process of detoxification of family is difficult and requires confidence, bravery and courage that you can do this, your not alone.
Mary, I am proud of you. Thank you for sharing. I went no contact too, all on my own without any support. I didn't tell anyone when I did it because I knew that my circle at that time's religious mindset would never support my actions. And I'd tried multiple times before and failed because I allowed others to talk me around and I gave into my old programming. It was tough but I binge-watch many RUclips channels. I journal like crazy. I forgave myself and started loving myself. I knew it was the right thing for me. I was an adult in my 40's - I wanted peace of mind.
I do not miss my family of origin, maybe the idea of what could have been. They were not good for my mental health. I took the time to discover myself and give myself what I needed. Family is not blood. There are many amazing people looking for other wonderful people to form new families with. And that is just what I have now. I am in my 50's now and I'm so proud of myself.
I was able to do it while living in the same city. Initially, they came to my doorstep. They sent letters and gifts. I blocked all their numbers. I cut off all old friends that my family knew because they were using them to get to me. I've maintained my silence and continue to. They have shown me things I don't like and don't want to recreate in my own family. I love my life and I'm so proud of myself and I'm at peace. I could have relocated elsewhere but I wanted to face my fear. A silent woman is a dangerous woman.
I turned their hate into amazing life lessons. I have crafted a wonderful life for my family.
Thanks so much for sharing Becky
Thanks for sharing. I loved your post...it has given me strength today.
My church family keep doing this. Guilty tripping me and telling me that God does not want a family split apart, but I am so very close to going no contact. I see no other way
Choose personal peace. What do you have to lose? Try going no contact briefly and see how it feels to your nervous system. If you don't like it, you can also return to them. But do what feels good for you, not others. @@MentalWellnessWithWaihiga
How true!!….a silent woman is a dangerous woman. So is a woman who has run out of tears.❤
I'm sorry you were compelled to cut your family out of your life, but I completely understand. I finally cut off all contact with our family mother after 46 years of relentless abuse. It's not that I wouldn't have a relationship, I simply left it up to her to communicate, to visit -- something she had never done during my entire life away from her envy, jealousy, gossip, lying, manipulation, rage, duplicity....
If I hadn't experienced such a horrific series of events over the decades, I wouldn't believe a mother could be so; but she was to her bitter end, to the last hours of her life. Frankly, don't count on your parents becoming accountable for the abuse: narcissists don't "come around".
Sounds like my mother and my situation. Why do i still feel guity?
@@SonetLandman no you do not need to feel guilt nothing was your faulty those kind of people want you to feel guilt ! All narcissist want you to I know my 3 brothers are & my dad was when he was alive
@@SonetLandman Like you I feel guilty; but every time I consider what I could have done to make things better, the countless times I tried come to mind, and all it did was give her fodder for making me look bad. She routinely took out of context the things we scapegoats did for her and said to her, and construed them to use against us.
While it seems narcissism runs deep in the family, I also believe her problem was exacerbated by physical and/or emotional abuse for oppositional defiance, which provoked her to be more belligerent, which made her abusers more determined. The perfect storm. Her surviving siblings, all girls, also have similar issues.
@@DHW256 my mom's two siblings struggles with alcohol misuse. But, my mother abused me both physically and emotionally and I am not like that. So for me, it is no excuse. I struggle with an abundance of other issues. I got physically ill and my mental state did not escape the scars either.
@Chris Penfield 💕 thank you.
I grew up with domestic violence. I hated my father most of my life and yet l held his hand, wiped his forehead and heard his last breath.
In those moments all l felt was pity for him and the intense anger diluted into sadness for the father he never was.
Estrangement from family is a deep sorrow.
I cannot tell you enough how sharing your story is so helpful in healing for me. I’m 51 and 10 years your junior and you’ve said multiple things I have yet to hear. Especially the “you need to phone us. We need to hear from you.” Thank you thank you ❤️
This video represents my "relationship" with the family that I had to injure for my childhood. I have just finished off an 11 year marriage where my beautiful wife laid waste to me as part of her covert narcissistic theme. Oh lucky me, it has only taken me 1/2 a century to realize solitude is preferable to the anguish that these kind of people purvey. Thank you for sharing your journey with us all.
aww thank you Mikel and for sharing part of your story.
I totally agree with you. Solitude is better than bad relationships.
I too am the family scapegoat and my story is VERY similar to yours. I am so sorry for what you’ve been through but glad to know I’m not the only one going through this. I just wish I dealt with it years ago. It has caused years & years of mental anguish & irreparable damage. I feel complete relief that I am estranged from them & know it drives them crazy not having me to bully and blame. As a mother, I can’t even comprehend the thought process of such parents & siblings.
Thanks for sharing. Sorry you've endured this too.
I completely relate to this.
They need us to play our assigned role in their distorted projection. Happy you found autonomy. May peace be with you.
I left my immediate family behind as well.
It is so helpful to see others who have had to make that same choice for their well-being.
It's helpful to me too b/c when you do it, it's easy to feel alone. Most people.that I speak to in person aamd they happen to find out about my no contact, they say something guilt-trippy or otherwise invalidating responses.
I can’t imagine having such a cruel family. Standing up to bullies is difficult for most people but when those bullies are your family it must be heartbreaking. Well done, you seem to be a lovely gentle soul and deserve to be cherished x
Well done Mary for leaving the Irish Cult , to me it was death waiting to happen and Cancer was my final contact with the one sibling I had been speaking with , 9 years on and all strings cut forever , I am so free of all the terror that I have been able to settle back in Ireland very happily 100 miles from them all, I see them all now as very sad stunted teenagers in their 50s and 60s. Thank you for sharing and best wishes for the lovely peaceful life you so richly deserve, Roz, Co Galway
Thanks so much Roz
I would be curious to hear a video on how you manage to keep similar toxic/controlling/nasty types of people out of your life now (new friendships etc) it can't be easy to avoid something you have been so programmed to accept all of your life. Good for you for giving yourself the love and support you've needed for a long time, and recognizing your value.
I get that all the time; even today at the traffic lights the woman in front of me kept looking at me in her side mirror, she’d look away then look back - it was really creepy.
After her experience, i bet she can smell a narc a mile away!
Me too… this is rare and we all need to learn and practice this
What a great testimony! Strangely no contact with my family is one of the most liberating things I've ever done.
I am nearly 20 years in after breaking contact. As a highly empathic person, for me it has been a little easier over time and the upsetting reflections have become more infrequent. Your insightful assessment of the behaviour dynamics was warmly and carefully expressed and mirrored my own experiences. I do think this will help many people. Thank you.
Powerful Mary, well done you for speaking your truth. helping others and inspiring others to recover from the scapegoat role ❤
Thank you Paula
@@scapegoatchildrecovery By making this post, you're helping people find out that what's being done to them, and the need to get away from it all, before it's too late ! You only get one life !
I’m so thankful for your story! It sounds like mine. The number one word that describes it is ‘ridicule.’ I was an OBJECT of ridicule, mockery, derision and contempt. I was told that because I was the youngest, I knew nothing, my priorities were all screwed up, my opinions, thoughts, beliefs and feelings could be discounted and dismissed.
I’m heading to the home place for Christmas, but only for the purpose of gathering some personal items I’ve left there.
I like how you emotion distance yourself by using the terms male parent and female parent.
Love and light to you. ❤
Thank you
I use nicknames for my very reluctant ' parents' myself,lol. Plus sperm/ egg donor.
This is the first time I’ve ever heard anyone speak about what has happened to me - I too reached a point when I ended all contact - it was following a particularly disrespectful act by a younger member of the family - who was supported by a sibling and all her family - this happened about 4 years ago snd the only regret I have now at age 60 - is why on earth did I not do it sooner. Although I try to be honest about what happened with me, to explain to outsiders why I have no family around me, I pick up their dubiousness about my experience with the family and have to be careful not to let someone else’s ignorance affect my self esteem - My story is difficult to believe, as abusive behaviour often is, especially when there is an entire family disrespecting you and as a result I have to be careful not to feel fraudulent myself - I definately made the right decision by getting out of it - thanks Mary X
Well said. I relate. Standing apart from a sick family takes a lot of strength because they need you to dump on.
Well done. It is perhaps even harder as an older person, for so many reasons.
Thank you x
@@rubberbiscuit99 thank you x
It's a generational thing too so it would make sense you're choosy who to tell. Younger generations are awake to a lot more, whereas back in the day, there was a whole lot of status quo. People don't deserve to know your whole story unless they are trustworthy.
Wow, I grew up with abusive mother (no siblings, no father) and that was more than enough! Can't imagine having to live with 4 abusers, that's insane! I went no contact when I was around 30 years old, at that time I have also lived overseas for many years. I escaped to the other side of the world so that I don't have to visit haha! I will never break the no contact because my mother passed away. I know I shouldn't be saying that but a huge weight lifts of your shoulders when the people who hurt you aren't here anymore. Can't be angry at someone who is gone. I wish you happiness 💕
You stopped the abuse because they wouldn't. You did the right thing. Thank you for sharing your story. It does help.
Thanks Lorna 🥰
You are a warrior. Doing this alone too. Your video has renewed my hope. Thank you. God bless you.
I’m proud of you too, and myself. Went no contact with two sisters and limited contact with my elderly female parent (thank you for that term, it’s more fitting than mother). Family scapegoat all my life. It took me 50 years. Love to you all 💕💕💕💕
What a courageous move you've made in no contact. No one deserves the treatment you received throughout your life, much less from your own parents and siblings. God bless you.
Thank you very much Francine
You are so eloquent in your telling of your story, I am astonished that anyone could call you stupid!
Thank you so much Marguerite
Older sister cut out some 10 years ago. Father last year. No matter how much I wished for his approval, his nature will never change. Finally, I have realized, my peace is way more valuable than his approval.
When you used the term "the family joke" that hit me right in the heart. I have said for years to two of my siblings that that's how I feel about how our parents treated me my whole life. They always laugh and scoff at me that it's not true. But it was, and it still is.
And I've realized that they do it to me also. That helps explain me having ulcers since the early 80's.
This video has been a complete "eye opener". Thank you very much.
Now I will begin to plan my escape from my family.
Congratulations to you. I am now in my 40’s and just realizing what in the world I was in. I’ve been many peoples scapegoat. I’m over it and cut many out of my personal space. I am a believer, so people were using it for their benefit. No more! I’m re-teaching them how to treat me. When they do not, they no longer get access. It all started with a narc ex supervisor to my ex husband. I thought whew, never realizing this was also in my family. I am finally out the fog, have forgiven but am minimal or no contact with most until I heal and feel comfortable being around them for minimal time. I do feel free and so much healthier. Keep educating others and doing your work. I’m year 2 of therapy. I salute ALL survivors who keep their gentle hearts despite the evil of others. They couldn’t kill your light. God bless you 🤗
Thank you
Im familiar with this role too. Its quiet pathetic how they dont handle it well, not having you to abuse. Goes to show how strong the weakest family member must be to keep a peaceful balance in a family. Its too much. Only God can help us all.
Yes, I relate to you! I've been a scapegoat by many as well and people do use your kindness/willingness to forgive as weakness. I'm a Christian too amd know what its like to feel guilty or like you're not being forgiving, etc.
God has had me in a place of solitude for a few years. Recovery has been hard but I look forward to getting back into therapy.
@@Godlywoman88 good for you! Therapy has done wonders and God has me in a season of isolation right now. My therapist for 2 1/2 years dropped the bomb on me that she is moving so therefore I would have to get a new therapist but I believe God was already prepping me for this. He is my sufficiency and at the end of the day I will be led of him. He'll move people in and out of my life as he pleases and will keep me from returning to being a people-pleaser and needing people. I believe losing my therapist is a part of this process. Sooo trust the process. We must all trust Gods process and His ordered steps. Growth feels good no matter how tough or how much we have to lose. God is pleased when we are fully walking in the purpose HE has for our lives without the input/toxicity of humans. I truly believe God will send healthy people into my life in time as I am doing my work but until then He is with me and however hard a place it is in a sense it is also very beautiful and humbling. God bless you too on your journey and take care of yourself. If you get a chance check out a preacher named Jerry Flowers from Refiner church. He does series called Therapy Thursdays on here and it has been such a blessing with the believers perspective n self love and forgiveness/boundaries..
@@GodsChosenMekAmoR Wow, it seems that God has His people in the same isolating and tough season. This season has been so hard, I question my life at times.
People have been on and out of my life too. Not a good feeling, but I do suppose it's part of the process like you said.
Thanks for the ministry suggestion. I feel like I've heard of him before.
It’s so frustrating to be the butt of all the jokes, gather the courage to say something about how their behavior really bothers you, and then be ostracized or accused of being too sensitive or dramatic for trying to communicate the need for it all to stop. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and reaching out to us fellow scapegoats.
So sad. Family can be so cruel. I mourn the loss of family and struggle to regain my footing without the love I didn’t really ever have
But they also need to break their patterns so you have to understand there will be resistance. If you persevere and give it a 100% try you may not need to lose your family. I believe that if you are not a victim (don’t victimize yourself) there is a chance that you may help your family grow. But I am biased because to me abandoning your family is one of the worst things in the world. I would probably die trying to keep it together and improved.
@@MonyExercise under normal circumstances, yes. But not all families are the same, and if you don’t know someone’s entire story, don’t imply they are victimizing themselves because you could be talking to a warrior and a survivor of abuse you’d never be able to imagine. Of course trying everything to stay in the family is natural. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. When you’re in the hospital and your doctor is telling you that you will die if you don’t leave, you might change your perspective.
@@crystalvuich8489 I agree with you. Accused of being too sensitive because you believe in fairness and respect. Jealousy is a part of it also. I was always giving unaware I was being used. Find kind people and value them in your life. It can be hard to trust after being gaslighted and scapegoated so often but good people find one another eventually. 💜🙏🏻
@@JnTmarie yes I agree, I think it’s always important for me to phone a friend to see what they’re doing when I get lonely, and after being no contact for 4 years I was able to go to my grandmothers funeral and handle seeing my abusers in person. I had best friends, cousins and other siblings there who knew the whole story and were amazing support and buffers if I needed it. It is possible for your garden to thrive if you cultivate it.
Cutting out family who are abusive is the only way to go. I was the youngest and the scapegoat. I look back years later and still can't believe how I was mistreated.
They absolutely believed that they could keep doing it because they knew I had nobody to tell and it was drilled into me to never share family secrets.
A cousin, who was 10 years older than me, left home when I was a child and went zero contact. I clearly remember all the family going nuts and calling her selfish, nasty etc.
In fact, she was a beautiful girl with a kind heart, unlike her family, and a real backbone to do what she did (this was years before the internet when information was scarce).
My family preferred to outright mistreat/abuse the females and psychologically break down the males with a messed up mixture of withholding and spoiling.
It can be a mindf**k at first to go no contact. You'll tell yourself that you're the bad one. You'll feel guilty and probably 'bold' like child (from childhood abuse programming). You should also have a short and unemotional response ready for people who quiz you on why you never see your family. Mine is usually 'we prefer it this way'. If they dig further I just say 'it's not a problem, some families are just like that'. The worst thing is to feel provoked into an explanation that you're not ready to give. Usually people just drop it when they see there's no more explanation.
I wish you all the best if you decide to go no contact, it will have it's challenges at the start, but it gets easier and ultimately, you'll be happier. Good luck in your new peaceful life.
You articulate this MARVELLOUSLY. This really resonates. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you ☺️
Mary... you have done the right thing. If they are toxic, jealous, non supportive...remove them from your life , family or not. Good for you.
This is an amazing testimony! You are amazing Mary. Thank you
Thank you so much Mary Clare 😊
“Do or die” is no joke. What’s at stake is your physical AND mental health. Kudos to YOU, Ms. Toolan, for cutting them loose! They don't deserve you.
I’ve been there. My dad's nicknames for my brother & me said it all: "Boy Wonder" and "Knot Head".
I could write a book about my experience as the family punching bag, but I’ll keep this as short as I can. Just two examples here, starting with my dad’s birthday celebration in 1965 when I was 15 years old. Dad used to blame me for his chronic insomnia (which wasn’t my fault), and would hold grudges against me for days on end. On this occasion we were celebrating his birthday at the vacation home of a friend. My mother had pressured me into creating a handmade birthday card for him, to which I reluctantly complied. We were sitting at the friend’s picnic table on her back deck when I gave Dad the card. He passed it over to my brother who punched holes in it, then used it as a cat toy while our father did nothing to stop him. Mom defended our dad's cruelty afterwards, saying he wasn't ready to "forgive" me for what amounted to no more than a fictitious trespass.
By the 1980s, I’d grown sick of my brother’s abusive silent treatment at family gatherings. The last straw for me was the Xmas Eve party at my brother’s in-laws’ house, which I'd been goaded into attending. (My parents never showed any interest in MY in-laws!) Predictably, my brother ignored me at the party, while loudly & enthusiastically greeting those around me. When I complained about this later, my dad’s response was to say to me: “Let’s not spoil Christmas!” like I was the spoiler.
I went no contact with them all for two & a half years in the ‘80s. After Dad died I remained in touch with my mother, who still insisted on these family get-togethers occasionally. Same old shit with my brother’s silent treatment. He poisoned the air I breathed. But when my husband & I moved to Oregon, it was easy to go no contact with my brother. After 12 years of no contact, in 2005, he called out of the blue, to summon my help once Mom’s health had deteriorated, and she'd gotten Alzheimer’s.
Then in 2006 my brother went behind my back and had Mom's will re-written, which Mom was coerced into signing when she was too senile to know any better. The original will split her estate 50-50 between us. The re-write gave him his half with no strings, while my half was put into a trust with HIM as Trustee. Without this inheritance I could not have retired. Inevitably, my life after Mom's death became a nightmare. I didn't even learn about the re-write of her will until after her death. For more than a decade, that asshole refused me everything I wanted or needed my money for. I had to work an extra four years, until age 70, because of HIM. Were it not for a couple of lawyers who took pity on me, and worked for me pro bono, I’d be dealing with a lifetime of psychological, emotional and financial abuse. My mental & physical health would surely have deteriorated as a result. I am certain that had he prevailed, the chronic stress, and all the toxic emotions stemming from that stress, would have killed me one way or another, either from suicide or a terminal illness. Thanks to those lawyers, I’ve had my brother kicked off his little throne, and am now enjoying a long-overdue retirement, with a professional fiduciary managing the trust.
It took FOURTEEN YEARS for us to get that bastard's boot off my goddam neck. I hope to never see him or hear from him again.
It's amazing how many commonalities that toxic families have! That look they give you! The veil of secrecy around it! The jokes they make about you. The toxic phone calls! The obligations to visit home.
Spooky.
Your Body Keeps Score! That's why we get sick. I actually had a heart attack at 33 years old and that was the catalyst to the end of life as I knew it. The last time I went to house where I grew up, it was Christmas morning 2005. I was there for about an hour, and got physically ill in my childhood bathroom and had to leave. Aside from that hour I have been estranged from them for 20 years since they abandoned me after I nearly died and ganged up against me with my sociopathic ex husband.(then husband was diagnosed aspd/npd in 2003).
Such a courageous step in the direction of self love. It is hard, but oh so necessary. Courage is not the absence of fear... courage is doing it afraid. Thank you for your example. Wishing you a journey where you continue to thrive.
Thank you Sah
“Courage is Doing it Afraid “I have a poster with a picture of a LION with this message! 🦁🐅
Congratulations Mary, you are so strong for going no contact. I did the same and it is amazingly freeing experience. These toxic families only need us to hide behind because they are not brave enough to deal with their own failings in life. I was abused when I rang them and I was wrong when I didn't . No logic or rationale behind their behaviours because they want to keep changing the goal posts.
I'm so grateful I got a new adopted family who like me just for me. I was almost killed by an intruder visiting my old family. No one showed any concern at all. I ran away after that. Cut off all contact. My new family saved my sanity.
How did you find a new family?
@Kencyha After the attack, none of my close relatives would take me in. I prayed. I prayed the most intensely to God that I have ever done. I asked Jesus for help and pictured myself safe. My distant cousin (aunty), whom I always saw as a family friend asked if I wanted to stay. She and her husband took me in, took care of me. After I left the country, they continued to support me emotionally. We remain very close. They became my family. Their own family accepted me as well.
I just never said anything and disappeared into the sunset. More than several years ago. And I have never looked back. We deserve better. Sometimes you have got to do, what you have go to do. Thanks for sharing Mary. We are stronger than we think !
✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜
It’s so interesting how much energy abusive families will exert trying to force contact and gather people to be on their side and ostracize the victim even more. When all they would need to do would be to just be kind and loving so the victim could begin to trust again. I should have done what you did, but I tried to do the best I could with a very difficult family, now my parents have died, but my older sisters have continued to see me as the one it’s okay to say unkind things to. Even one of my nephews recently told me offhandedly that I was crazy. So it doesn’t even stop with immediate family, the tendency towards abuse continues even with the next generation. I applaud you for you strength
Thank you Karen. Yes, it's generational trauma, rolling on to the next generation with great accuracy.
Well done Mary! You're very brave and are a beckon of light to many others who need to hear this message.
It's crazy when your nervous system starts to wake up from years of suppression! Thanks for sharing your story, your smile when you said you were ready said it all.
Super proud! You are a hero to those of us with no voice!
Thank you for sharing your story, Mary. You are brave and have every reason to be so proud. I am six months in of no contact, such freedom and relief. I am proud of myself also, and thankful my children will not be exposed to the dysfunctional and abusive dynamic of my family of origin and am doing so much work in addressing the trauma and conditioning now I’m out. Your content and the community you are growing have helped so much. Much love to you 🧡
Absolutely applaud you for loving yourself enough for doing this. ❤️
Hi..I'm so sorry...you are a lovely person and don't deserve this abuse from this sick family.....I haven't spoken to my mother for three and a half years....I'm 55 after all these years of my mothers emotional abuse and manipulation I had enough. I woke up and finally realised that she is never going to change and she does not love me.
Thank you for sharing, Mary. I feel your pride and also the pain of it all. I wish you continued satisfaction and expansion in your new life ❤
Thank you Nel
I can definitely relate. I walked away from a large chunk of my family some years ago through a process I called "backing away", so they wouldn't notice I was gone until it was too late. I live far from them, which does make it easier. I know the dread about having them turn up. I know all about the flying monkeys and how some of those monkeys are people you would never expect to become one. I like what you said about being proud. I had always felt ashamed because I half-bought into the tale that I was the problem. But it took so much courage and I had to do it on my own, without supportive YT channels or a therapist. But I knew in my soul that it was right, despite the shame, so I pressed on. And I am very glad I did. My life is considerably better without them in it. I will try to find my pride.
In the UK I believe it is very hard to find a therapist that understands the narcissistic family dynamic. The best they can say it "I can't diagnose someone who isn't here" (i.e. in the session). But the truth is those people tell a good yarn and can be very charming, and you come out being diagnosed as schizophrenic or something because of the lying. My parents told everyone I was mentally ill, a drug addict, you name it....
I've saved this recording because of your emotional intelligence and depth of insight into the collective behaviour of your family and the journey you've taken towards healing. Educational-level. Thank you Mary.
Thank you for sharing your story, Mary. I did the same in 2018 and have not spoken to my family of origin since. I experienced the same fallout more or less. Hopefully your story will help others who are still getting abused to see that there is life after no-contact and it's not the end of the world. In fact, life can get better.
Completely relate to being the buffer that the family uses to avoid dealing with the real things.
Also am in my mid forties at this point and am in the midst of letting go of remaining family I do speak with (mom & sister).
Videos like yours help immensely. What’s left of my time on Earth, I WANT for ME!! 🙏🏾✨❤️
Oh gosh, thank you for sharing your story and being so vulnerable. I can relate so much! But, I honestly believe it was the best decision I've ever made.
Great bravery, Mary! I am proud to hear your story. Your story gives the rest of us out here trying to wade thru our lives to that promised happiness…you give us hope!🥰
Mary it's so awesome that you had this courage and strength to have done what you did. I'm in the same boat and it's not been easy, but no more. It's finished now. Thank you for sharing with us. I so appreciate this video.