Is This Estranged Mom Gaslighting? Therapist Reacts!
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- Опубликовано: 24 ноя 2024
- Why are so many people triggered by this video from the @estrangedparents channel? Is this mom entitled or narcissistic in what she says? Therapist reacts to this emotional video.
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#estrangedparents #therapistreacts #mentalhealth #gaslighting #narcissisticparent #estrangement #cutoffparents #nocontact #guilttrip
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How do you feel hearing this mom's story?
I saw that video quite a while ago and to be honest I was horrified that she put that video up - I really do not know how putting a video up was going to help her and her husband be reconciled with her daughter by doing that. I sensed typical narcissim operating (by the parents). I feel very disturbed by the music played in the video (violins) and felt like it was highly manipulative. I have been deeply affected by narcissistic abuse over many years (not by my parents) so the whole video reeked of narcissistic manipulation. If you listen carefully to what she says throughout there are many other red flags too. I could be wrong of course but that was my genuine gut sense and I have learnt the hard way that listening to your gut sense is mostly the only way you can SEE through someone who is behaving with narcissism.
@@Mrs-Resell I think people recognized a lot of signs that they had seen in their own lives, and the editing and music definitely were pushing a certain perspective. Like I said, they are telling their own story, so I don't begrudge them that, but it can feel deeply manipulative to many people
@@Mrs-Resell, I feel the same. 💜
@@Mrs-ResellAgreed! If I were her daughter, I would never feel invited to reconnect. Instead I would feel encouraged to stay away. It's all about the mum. "Admitting I'm feeling a grudge was hard, because that's not who I am". After line after line full of grudge 😮
@@Therapy2DayYeah she's telling her side of the story and has every right to do so. But unfortunately with little to none self-insight. It's quite repulsive to me. I feel for her though. She's clearly hurting
The way she glossed and dismissed the daughter's letter at the beginning really hurt her credibility for me, tbh.
Yes! Her "narration" of the letter bugged me. 1. Mom chose this extremely childish voice to 'narrate' the letter. It's clearly not mom's voice. So she went out of her way to find some VERY childish voice to 'read' the letter.
2. Also, the 'little girl' voice narrating the letter is also garbled together so the words run over each other. Making it sound like a garbled mess is like the mom signalling "What I'm hearing is just 'blah blah blah. buzzword. blah blah.'"
3. Mom only includes tiny snippets of sentences in the letter. Not a single sentence or coherent thought of the daughter is acknowledged or portrayed in the narration. Again mom seems to portray it as "she threw out some buzzwords. 'gas-lit.' 'guilt-tripping' and some other blah-blah."
4. Mom claims 90% of the letter was about political differences. Yet none of that is in the snippets of the letter she narrated. Even if true, mom never addresses the 10% that she DID narrate from the letter: Daughter's feelings of being 'gas-lit' and 'guilt-tripped' for example.
Exactly. And what's funny is the things she was actually including in the "blah blah blah" style montage had NOTHING to do with politics, which she claims were "90% of the letter." She gave herself away.
I lost it though when she said she buys herself a present for her daughter's birthday. That right there told me EVERYTHING I needed to know about how their relationship was. 😂 I have a photo of my 17th birthday where we are eating my narcissistic mom's favorite pizza (covered in all kinds of meat, which she knew all too well I had been vegetarian since the age of 9), with HER favorite kind of cake, sitting in HER bed, and she's leaning over me in the photo to blow out my candles. She threw "me" a high school graduation party, but then told me I couldn't invite any of my friends to it because there wouldn't be room since she invited a bunch of her own friends (some of which were emotionally and physically abusive to me when I was a kid, which she is also well aware of), and didn't even notice that I snuck out and went to my friend's party with my other friends instead. She was too busy stealing all the money out of the graduation cards other family members had sent me. 😂 That's just the top of the iceberg with her, and yet she "just can't understand why I would want to cut her off now." 😂
Yeah at the risk of dropping hip jargon in here, this had all the sounds of “missing missing” reasons. The “political” things especially, in not necessarily saying this is it but it is so common today for one side to treat gender and sexual identity as politics and the other to be like “no, this is who I am”. You can dismiss it as political all you want but if you personally refuse to acknowledge and accept your child’s personhood, no matter what you might think of it personally, you should never be surprised if that child cuts you out of your life. Even “hi I respect YOU but I will continue to vote and stick up for people who do not respect you” is not enough for a lot of people.
I also got the sense that COVID may have played a role there, like didn’t the delta strain come out post-vaccine? There are all kinds of reason why they might not have gotten vaccinated (my brother and his wife got hit hard by it before the vaccine came out, with his wife actually having to be hospitalized) but basic health also shouldn’t be a political issue, and there’s that additional strain of “I’m sorry but i physically can’t interact with you in person because of your personal health decisions” that comes into play here too.
My parents that I went no contact with tell people politics are what caused it. It wasn’t it was the S.A.
This woman is a liar
@@bluecoffee8414and then she responds to the letter with “received”.
"We investigated ourselves and found ourselves Not Guilty of any wrongdoing, and have therefore chosen to forgive ourselves." 🤡🤡
What a relief 😆
Such impartial judges they are 😂😂😂
Well summarized 😂
On point
She so briefly mentioned the politics thing but it’s like seeing that your stubborn parents aren’t a safe space for you because that’s what outwardly is being reflected as their opinions
My abusive narcissistic mom ALWAYS says, "I'm not perfect". I'm not asking for perfection. I'm asking for respect.
I wasn't asking for perfection I was asking for "not abusive". I guess that's too much of an ask...
Well said
exactly, im not perfect is their go- to excuse for abuse. ive heard it so many times
Thank you! I am screenshotting this and want to make it my mantra. Amen for this comment.
Yeah. I'm not asking for perfect. I'd be happy with them saying they are honestly sorry and seeing they are honestly trying to be better (even if they made mistakes, if I just felt they were trying, I'd be happy with it)
The sad-funny part is that this lady has a whole video explaining HER side and the majority of us are walking away thinking that this daughter did the exact right thing! Being an estranged daughter myself, my heart goes out to the daughter! Bless you sweet girl!
Isn’t that amazing? She made such a professional grade video about this, carefully choosing her words and editing, and she STILL made it clear why her daughter needed distance.
She can only speak on HER side!! She can't speak for her daughter! That would require her daughter ACTUALLY trying to communicate like an adult who is accountable for her actions! You would think someone with a valid point would want to TALK ABOUT IT. It seems NO CONTACT is a way to run away and easier to blame Mommy! If she tried to speak for her daughter you would have something to say about that! Is it funny that we don't know BOTH sides to this issue but everyone here in the comments is BLAMING MOM! I would never want any of you on my jury if I was in court! Looks like you base decisions on PERSONAL FEELINGS OR YOUR OWN PAST HURT rather then actual facts of both sides equally! Coming here to see all the blame Mommy side comments speaks more about narcissistic or entitlement behavior from spoiled children. Adults would need both sides of the story without bias. This generation is lost!
@@MariselaR.da1daOnly Deep Breath! We are all simply making the same observation that the language she used and how she presented her position was filled with covert Narc language and statements.
Please dispel the notion that anyone is “blaming mommy” for all their personal issues. We are just pointing out that her language and self-described behavioral patterns appear harmful and destructive and if so many of us are picking up on the same thing from just one video, we are all imagining how challenging the relationship must be for her daughter on a regular basis and yes, therefore empathizing with the daughter.
To be crystal clear it is NEVER easy for a child to dissociate themselves from their parental figures but we aren’t talking about kids getting upset because their parents don’t agree with them or some other minor issue. We are talking persistent toxic, dysfunctional, overt or covert emotional ABUSE.
For those of us that have personally experienced that form of abuse from a parent- well….like recognizes like. And for those that haven’t experienced it- thank your lucky stars!!!
@@MariselaR.da1daOnlyIn summary, these children aren’t persecuting their mothers, they are protecting themselves.
@MariselaR.da1daOnly The daughter wrote a heartfelt note. The mom replied "received." There's a lot of ways to respond to someone emailing you that they're having a hard time with a relationship. You can even say, "Hi, thank you for reaching out. I need some time before replying." The mom didn't even do that.
The mom made video series about her relationship with her daughter. If my mom talked about our relationship online, tried to profit off of it, I'd go no-contact too. I'd be mortified. I wouldn't want to interact any more thinking it could end up on RUclips as well.
As a parent, being estranged from my oldest son for 5 years. If you truly love your child and want them in your life, you look at how you contibuted to the loss. If you just want your child because you think they owe you that, you dont deserve it. I made changes and even though i dont know why this womans problems were, self reflection is the beginning. We are all close again. I have a good relationship with all 3 of my adult children. And my 3 grandchildren. It starts with you .
Yep! If I hurt my son I do ANYTHING to make it right. My mom is abusive
I wish my mom would do this too. Makes my heart happy to know what is possible with self-reflection and am grateful your self-reflection led to a healed relationship. That's what I want with my mom more than anything but can't make her look inwards and it won't get better until she does. Thank you for giving me hope nonetheless! 🫶
You’re an inspiration
Thank you
May I be so bold, to ask about what you ‘changed’.
I wish I could heart the original comment a million times!!
My mom and I were estranged and low contact for quite a few years, until my sisters started having mental health problems as well. She went to therapy and broke the cycle, and now she's been wonderfully supportive as I deal with my NDad having dementia. I thank God every day that we both went to therapy and healed, because having a step dad and my mom on my side has made it possible for me to extract myself from my birth fathers toxicity. Turns out she divorced him for the same reason I resigned as his guardian: We were always wrong, he was always right, he never saw his part in it and he was never going to change. Quite different than his lie of, "She did it to teach me a lesson".
Being able to reconnect with an estranged parent after we both went through therapy and put the work in is definitely something I will forever be grateful for. I'm sure your oldest son feels the same ❤
“I can’t make her…
I can’t make her…
I can’t make her…”
Exactly.
She’s trying though - pulling out all the tactics. I almost fell for her tears until I realized the daughter probably tried to talk to them for years and finally had to just stop for her own mental sanity. IMO, unless a therapist has been through this type of abuse they shouldn’t take on clients who are going through it. There is so much dog whistling and covert abuse going on
Yeah - so after two years of NC, maybe Mom is beginning to realize that she can't in fact just boss her daughter around and make her feel what she wants her to feel, when she wants her daughter to feel it.
But what mom can do is go see a therapist but she won’t.
@@gitchygitchyyaya Completely off topic but your handle has me singing "Lady Marmalade." :-) Thank you!
@@LillyMarchant hahahaha yw!
"When she talked to us she sounded like a robot."
That is called gray-rocking. It is the a common survival tactic when talking to a narcissist. You give them as little ammunition as possible with which to hurt you.
@@mestillme3026 my first thought was that she is also on the autism spectrum and She may no longer be masking. I think you are right though!
@@mestillme3026 that's fascinating I never knew there was a term for that
That's what this is? I've done this so much it's affected me to this day even after my shitty mother died. I don't know how to turn the mode of coping off.
@@kerrilea73she turned out to be. Autistic/ADHD children are disproportionately more abused than the average child. And when you are a neurodivergent everything is your fault especially to a narcissist. So they have to develop techniques like grey rocking to make the abuse less severe.
I had no idea there was a word for this.
My abusive mother is extremely manipulative and will absolutely use any bit of information she can against you.
I’ve had her deduce information from me when I just give one or two-word answers based on my tone of voice or body language, then use that information against me or someone I care about.
So as a kid I learned to protect myself by speaking in a monotone, keeping my face blank, and not moving my body. As a kid I had to use it strategically because she knew I was doing it deliberately and it would make her fly in to a rage. But as an adult I could do it on the phone, then hang up on her if she started screaming at me.
I also would use it when I felt like I had to talk to her, but I also felt like talking to her was going to send me in to a panic attack. It acted as a defensive wall.
One of the most freeing things about going no contact is that I don’t have to do that anymore.
"I buy myself a present on her bday" bruh. I don't need to know more.
I've seen a post on reddit where a narcissistic mom posted that it was her daughter's birthday and that it means it's really the mother's "birth day" because she gave birth and then went on to say "Happy birth day to me". The daughter who posted the screenshot said the mom didn't call her or congratulate her in any way.
Yeah, like why would you admit that 🤣 some peoples emotional IQ is so so low… I’m so happy for her daughter and how strong she is
The thing that struck me was that at no point was there anything said like “I don’t understand, but she must have been hurting”, or “I wonder how long she thought about cutting contact. How long had she been keeping things bottled up?” or “What signs did I miss? What could I have done differently?”
Nothing like that. Nothing. The video is a self-serving, daughter-bashing catharsis.
You are wrong. She's says so much more than is show in this review. You should watch the original video in it's entirety.
@@amytrenary8997 I watched it in its entirety, the original commenter is spot on.
@@amytrenary8997i saw her other unhinged, racist rants too. she's awful
I watched it and more of her videos as well. She never says anything like this in her original video. Absolutely nothing acknowledging her daughter's pain.
@@olliojenarter Yup. It's all about HER pain. It reads like she does not care for her daughter at all, as a separate human being. She only cares about what the daughter makes HER feel.
The fact that she never actually read the book that was supposed to help her get her daughter back... because she found fault with the author's recommendations... says it all.
"it required too much contrition"
You mean you couldn't say you were sorry? Like I can apologize even when I KNOW for a fact I'm right, why can't you? Super telling.
And she admitted that she doesn't want to be contrite and doesn't want to take blame. No personal responsibility, no humility.
Yeah, that says A LOT. Like she put all this effort into making this video. Way more than reading a book, nevermind self reflecting.
Not necessarily. If the author approaches the topic with a strong bias towards the rejecting child.
@@stevenhuntley8706 Most people can't or won't do that. It feels too wrong.
"Why does she not mention ME in her social media?"
"I buy MYSELF a gift every year for her birthday"
Here's the issue: these type of parents do not see their kid as real, autonomous person.
I feel for the daughter because my mother is exactly the same. I went no-contact for 12 years. Reached out again this year and IMMEDIATELY regretted it. She will never love me; She only loves herself and her "sacrifices" for a daughter who didn't ask for any of the burdens/guilt/high standards/abuse that she was subjected to all her life. R.I.P "mom"
What do you expect after 12 years good for your mom! May she live a happy life
I'm in the same boat and honestly good on you for standing your ground. Hope you have the best life you can without her
@kimberlyprice8738 so when did your kid(s) go no contact?
Utterly disrespectful response. Shameful.
@suredeydo I feel this. Mine is the same.
i grew up with separated parents with equal custody, that alone angered my mom bc when they broke up when i was months old, she snuck into my dads home where my sister and i slept that night and tried to sneak us out and take us to my grandmothers house. when my dad refused to let her buckle me into the seat she put her hands on him, called the police, and accused him of using his “martial arts skills on her”… in court he represented himself and still got equal custody. growing up anytime we asked to stay longer than our usual week for vacations or unexpected circumstances, she would go ballistic and say “no, its MY week” and she’d force us to come home early from holidays just to ignore us and snap at us while we were there. it was never “her time to spend together with us” it was her time to possess us.
"I decided not to tell her that her grandfather died and for some reason she didn't care about his death". RIGHT... it's almost like no one told her
and yet, earlier in the video she pointed out how her daughter remembered everyone's special days, even this grandparent that she clarifies daughter wasn't even close with. the way she described her dad in the video made me think, perhaps grandfather and your daughter were more similar than you cared to see? When she said she didnt tell daughter, i gasped, because, i feel, like this falls under the emergency umbrella of contact.
@@calicofloofI noticed that detail too. Very telling.
That exactly happened to me. How was I supposed to know so,etching no one told me
Or it fits into the whole "no contact" thing! So that's moms fault too?
And when they reached out to her when her dad was in the hospital with covid, she responded just like she said she would if they used her phone number for emergency purposes.
The fact that she used a childish AI voice to read the daughter's letter is so telling. Her daughter is a grown woman, expressing her whole truth, but the mother only hears a child being whiney. I really hope her daughter has the peace she needs to heal, despite her mother using the internet to attempt to shame and discipline her.
You really don't know what their situation is.
@@sarahwales6276 You can't hear that she's characterizing her adult daughter as a whiney child? Fascinating.
The mocking! I can’t.
@@sarahwales6276 she sounds a lot like my mom. I have a pretty good idea of just how noxious she is (ps: her other videos are racist and unhinged)
@@sarahwales6276
No. YOU don’t know. Speak for yourself. We have eyes. Maybe time to open yours.
The way she talks down about the child she wants back.
Cuz she doesn't actually want her daughter to "come back" she's just furious she's lost control and wants to make her daughter look bad.
@@SjofnBM1989bingo
She wants supply! She does not want a relationship. She wants to extract pain and humiliation.
Yeah the very fact that she put this video into the universe, knowing that it will find its way to her daughter, is a scorched earth move. So manipulative.
@@mariep8207 I think we can all agree that the comments section is speculation and opinions, as we aren't the parent or child who are the subject of the discourse.
Things i saw.
1. Ignoring boundaries
2. Being unwilling to take accountability
3. Assuming their child's feelings and beliefs
4. Expectation of affection.
5. Neglect (I have never met a kid with both ADHD and Autism make it through school without the school encouraging more support so i have to assume they ignored or blamed her for any school related difficulties. I say this as a special education teacher.)
6. Lack of acceptance. Her coaplay is frowned upon as are her choices and how she behaves when interacting with family. Was she a "robot" on the call perhaps because she was too stressed to mask and fake her affection?
Anyway, i get it, and parents fyi, kids owe you nothing they didn't ask to be born that was your choice.
She is in denial 😂 the mom is hopeless
It's easy to hide things when you're quiet and masking yourself to the ground. 😅 I didnt know I had adhd until my adult years. Wouldve been so nice to know- wouldve explained my hyperactivity then. Even then my mom didn't think mental disorders were anything to fuss about. Just a smack and everything should be fixed. She didn't even know kids had stress until I came around and told her, and I was her fourth and last daughter!
I was a teen mom and have heard that phrase I didn’t ask to be born and I consider it to be slut shaming for deciding to give birth!
@@CGuilby whoa, that sounds like you're projecting
excuse me! Wtf. You need therapy. You did 2 plus 2 makes 5000 😮
Oof, this woman. I have two daughters that have chosen to go no-contact with me. I don't blame them. I had / have mental health conditions that were untreated through my adulthood. I have put in years of work to figure out how to find a brain chemistry balance. But, it doesn't excuse my behavior, it just explains a portion of it. I had a lot of rage packed into a long time of my own abuse issues and learning disabilities. My irritability stemmed from untreated ADHD and bipolar 2 disorder. When I found the magical cocktail for myself it made me feel balanced and "ok", something that wasn't something I had ever felt. But the damage was done. So I will respect their wishes and wait for them to be ready to talk, if they ever are. Not examining your own contribution to the problem isn't going to help you. There's rarely no reason for estrangement. Have the courage and integrity to face your own problems.
Thank you for posting this. It will mean a lot to people in a similar situation. You are very eloquent too. I wish you the best.
And THIS is how it's done. Good job! I am glad to hear you are working on healing regardless of their contact.
I owe you because when i was a baby you didn’t let me choke to death.
yeah, that was a really telling thing to bring up. this chick is bordering narcissism
Right!
Isn't that just insane. I think the daughter was an accessory for this mom, like a Paris Hilton purse dog. There is no love coming from her. She's just playing the part of a mom, for show. When she's being filmed with the daughter, she's concerned about how she looks. You can tell there is no real love there.
@@JoannaVancouver nope, none
Gah! This!
I think the fathers characterization of her not caring was very unfair, particularly the part where he says she doesn’t care if they’re alive or dead. Meanwhile, she’s shown consistent action in showing up or contacting when there are family emergencies. She called when he was ill despite how triggering it must have been for her. They just aren’t getting the version of her they *want*, so it doesn’t matter.
Also mom said dad reached out to her like a couple times at best
I laughed at the mom saying that during that call, the daughter was off, not herself, etc. Yeah that's called y'all were gray rocked lady.
Right? The daughter kept up on the family’s important dates even if she didn’t know the family member well. She always reached out to her mom on important days and more. She showed up when it was an emergency. But those events weren’t the door openers the parents had hoped for.
Of the fate, my favorite part of the whole thing is how she got to a chapter about forgiveness. And she doesn't know she can forgive her daughter. She isn't asking for your forgiveness. She doesn't want it. She wants you to leave her alone. And you have repeatedly disrespect that boundary. But you can tell from this entire video that that's the mother's entire Mo. Disrespecting people's boundaries.
This woman sounds so much like my diagnosed by a psychologist vulnerable narcissistic father that I have a visual reaction to listening to her. I've never had an upset stomach from listening to a video like this before in my life. In fact, the only time I've ever had a reaction like this is when I'm working with children who are being abused and I'm talking to the abusive parent. So she didn't try her best and she wasn't even close to a good mother. When you grow up in a narcissistic parent, you can spot narcissism people very easily.
💯
Sending the daughter self-help books puts the problem clearly and fully on the daughter. Also, the feeling that she will "get over it" as if it is a silly phase totally belittles the daughter.
The lack of self reflection is astounding
"I just have to wait till she takes my abuse again, like it worked in the past" - it doesn't work, because she's an adult now - *surprised Pikachuface
Yes, my mother did this ''get help''. ''We're worried about you''. ''We love you but you can't treat us like this'' (this being a request to be heard. i'd asked that they stop labelling me paranoid and sensitive. They got all hurt, they were the victims of my request, i needed to apologise to them, my parents smeared me to the relatives, called me angry and aggressive, and meted out the silent treatment. As one of your commenters put it, i have never been invited to connect. i either accept that I owe them an apology or that's it f*****kkk off now
There were no books sent
I think she sent 'self improvement' links to her daughter without talking to daughter about daughter's initial email. If I put myself in her daughter's shoes, that would enrage me. Even if it seems to Dianne to be perfectly benign, it is condescending and dismissive as Hell. Yes, she definitely needs to go forward with more empathy.
In the firs minute when she said she assumed it was "like normal just some one off thing that would blow over" It made it clear that the daughter communicated multiple times and the parental response was to ignore her and wait it out until it blew over. But it never blew over, the daughters resentment just kept on building.
People ARE talking it through before cutting people off. I tried so many times to tell my parents exactly what was wrong, but nothing ever changed. They never apologized. They continued to be emotionally stunted and disrespectful of really basic boundaries. Abandoning them was showing up for myself.
@@GetOfflineGetGood yes that is true, I was advocating that on the parent side there needs to be good communication as well in terms of listening
Don't forget how trying to talk things through and work on things ends up leading to giving them more words to twist around and use as ammunition against you. Had the same experience with my father.
Same 🫂 mine would just completely ignore the emails or texts I sent about my feelings or ignore and suddenly want to talk about their childhood traumas. I'm all for being there for them but I can't do that when they are never there for me. Having emotions in my family is a cardinal sin, and I've got lots of em so F me 🤪
@whims6278 I recently heard the term "Dishonest Traquility" and I feel like it's an apt descriptor for where a lot of people's generational trauma comes from. The concept basically boils down to the expectation that those who have been traumatized by family members' actions need to keep quiet about it in order to "keep the peace" and maintain appearances. The commentary/critique was mostly aimed at Boomer parents, which tracks, but I'd also go as far and say Gen X is PLENTY guilty of it too. The worst thing to be in a dysfunctional family is a truth teller, because that just makes everyone who's been ok pretending that everything's fine is uncomfortable.
@@khaleesireyna731truth tellers become truth seers because tellers get punished.
"I did everything i could" except actually listen to what the daughter had to say.
🤷♂️
How can she do that when her daughter refuses to speak to her? How do you know the daughter even tried?
@@neuroticnation144 I think a lot of people are speaking from their experiences of trying to communicate before going no contact
@@neuroticnation144you're right, the daughter is possessed by satan and gave no signal that anything was wrong. You're so smart. Was it the sad violin music that tipped you off to who the real victim was? 😂
@@neuroticnation144she sent the email about her feelings and the mother ignored everything her daughter said.
“She has adhd and autism - and it’s news to us - we could have taken her to the doctors.” LOL ladyyyyyyyy
They never saw her.
"Dear NC Mom... did you ever bother to see if your child had issues that needed help? Like, dunno. School performance issues? Problems with certain weird behaviours, like not finishing simple tasks? Or, you know. Paid attention to your child?"
"It was news to us, and we could have done something, but I guess there's no point in learning anything or doing anything now that we have new information. Anyway, back to how powerless we are about the complete unknowable mystery of what went wrong."
This was the icing on the cake for me. Growing up i remember my teachers and my step dad telling my mom something was def off about me. She of course made it all about herself. Its a miracle i made it to 31. I am on the spectrum and i have OCD and ASPD and im confident i only have the last one due to the trauma of not being properly cared for. Of course the parent had no clue 🙄🙄🙄 total bs. Most girls that are “highly sensitive” are actually more than likely ND. All that “im an empath” kaka…is just an undiagnosed persons way of saying they are ND 😂
@@CyberDataWeb reminded me of my mom who always said anything that was wrong with me was just me "being dramatic." She made me walk/hop/crawl around on a broken ankle for DAYS telling me "you just bruised it....walk it off." It was 3 times its normal size and I couldnt bear weight on it at all without screaming. But yeah...probably nothing is wrong. 🙄 My whole life anything I said was wrong she would invalidate and dismiss, and then when I would get confirmation, she would say "omg why didn't you tell me?!" And act like a doting mother while people were looking. I was hella ADHD and OCD as a kid, and yet she "never noticed" because it didn't personally benefit her to notice.
I get the feeling that's how this lady is as well. 😂
mom: idk why my kid doesn't want to talk to me. I better spend the next 2.5 years disrespecting their boundaries so that hopefully they talk to me.
and not putting any work at all into true accountability or self-reflection about why this happened/why the daughter did something so extreme.
I feel sorry for the therapist in this case. The mom here doesn't want healing, she wants "professional validation" for her entitlement.
Exactly.
Yep, I had a former friend just like this. Quit going to therapy because his narcissism wasn’t being validated.
Omg this is exactly what my mom does! Thank you for this language.
@@skyofthelivingdeadmy chronically neglectful, manipulative, defensive mom went to one (1) session with her therapist and quit because she claimed the therapist made her ‘feel like a bad mother’. *Narrator: she was in fact a bad mom*
I think a lot of parents say "i just want you to be who you are, i love you the way you are" but they don't understand who their child is at all. They love the young, obedient child who refelected all the parents wishes and personality. They think that's the "real you" and can't comprehend that you've had to hide the real you forever just to get by.
I’ve come to realize at 67 that is exactly how our mom sees us. You are correct.
THIS. 💯 👏🏻
Spot on!
Exactly. My parents don't know who I am at all
YESSSS
If you didn’t grow up with a narcissistic parent, it’s impossible to comprehend the pain they inflict. It takes a lot of inner courage to go no contact with a parent. This lady is manipulative and toxic. I assure you, the daughter probably tried to talk with her parents multiple times. Unfortunately, they are not capable of sincere, honest communication. Not surprised her daughter went no contact. Richard Grannon is my go-to for recovering from NPD abuse.
"Unfortunately, they are not capable of sincere, honest communication." -- and yet they and society say, "Just keep putting up with it. It's on you to accept their mistreatment and be the bigger person." and to that I say, "When my mother was the bigger person (literally) she used to physically and emotionally beat the pi$$ out of me. So where's her accountability for the choice to do that?" **crickets**
But are both of her parents narcissistic?
@pkaspar78 You need to learn more on this topic. You don't just have one toxic family member when a parent is a narcissist. It's a whole system...
This therapist guy is by far the nicest toward the mom. Out of all the people who have reacted to this mom, he has been exceptionally kind.
I would tear this mother to shreds, she's horrible, in my opinion this mom is incredibly manipulative.
it's concerning that OP's not identifying her narcissism though
@@transcendcapitalism It would be highly unprofessional for a therapist to diagnose a stranger he never met based on a couple of videos. Speaks to his professional integrity that he is not trowing diagnoses and traits around.
Why air out and expose your family issues with your daughter?? It’s an attempt to control her from afar. A public humiliation attempt.
If direct contact won't do the trick, rally the whole internet behind your cause! Little did she realize the internet could see right through her.
To garner sympathy, and thus attention for herself. And yeah, also to violate the daughter's boundaries and enlist the chronically online to be her flying monkeys.
I wonder how many takes she did of herself crying, before she got just the right one for this production.
Yup!
@@m0L3ifyNOW people can SEE thought her, before we didnt Even have a term for gasligh, is now that FINALLY narcissist abuse is consider abuse, for the longest time this people thrive using people and them blame them for reacting .... Víctim blaming was the norm, like how women were blamed for being raped ... what did You do ??? What did You wear ..... Being the ungrateful kid was the norm, not thenfather or mother were never blame....i'm glad information is a way to avoid this people
@@bcpr9812That is just cruel... 33:34 You are acting just as you say she is!
"i did the best i could"
i cannot express how many times my own mother said this phrase, hearing it from this woman i am immediately on the daughters side. there is so much she is leaving out to make herself look like the victim.
starting off a heartfelt letter of remorse with "remember what I've done for you you owe me a debt"
They act like their failing best becomes a passing grade because - effort? These are the same type of parents that would also bleat, "Well 'your best' isn't good enough!" but their 'best' is? Narc's man... LOL
The only way this poor excuse could be justified, would be if it continued with "but I failed you and for that I'm truly sorry. I promise to do better in the future, please help me honor our relationship". No parent is perfect but the important part is to own up to your mistakes and apologize.
I think this phrase is okay, because most likely, it was the best they could (not for all of course, but many). Many of our parents were traumatized and mistreated growing up. It does not excuse any abuse, but i do believe they did what they believed to be their best. So where should one go from here? Asking how to fix things going forward. For this to work the mom should apologize despite the fact she did the best she could. Sometimes our best is not acceptable behaviour and we have to do better. Instead, this mum is all about her.
My mom did the best she could and she still f*cked up. Both things can be true at the same time. I had a lot of compassion for my mom because I knew how messed up she was mentally and how she was abused growing up. It doesn't make what she did right. I also think part of my feelings towards her were shaped by the fact that she was in therapy and trying to get help. My mom passed in 2005 and to be honest I was kind of relieved she she died. My dad on the other hand refuses to acknowledge that he's done anything wrong ever. I went low/no contact with him for 6 years. I'm pretty sure to this day he'd tell you he has no idea why. We have a relationship now but there are some things we can't talk about at all. I'm still working on setting boundaries with him and sometimes I just have to get up and leave the room. I also need to be able to escape when I visit him in order to feel safe. The thing that pisses me off the most about him is he has an excuse for everything and refuses to admit to did anything wrong when he was physically abusive towards me. Sorry for venting on your comment.
@@couch_philosoph3325the problem with saying it is that we ✨know✨ they did their best. We phuking know. They told us that our whole lives, we knoooooooooow. We need them to take just one baby step past that so we can talk abt how their best was still harmful. We want to commiserate abt breaking generational curses, not continue to justify why we don’t parent like they do. But they just wanna bemoan that they did their best, and we’re so, SO over it.
I am a mother whose daughter stopped communicating with me in 2015. I have lived for 68 years, and being estranged from my daughter has been the saddest thing that has happened to me in my long life, and yet, I get it now. My daughter did the right thing, and I am glad that she is taking care of herself. My perception of myself before this happened when she was 25 was that i had been a really good mom for her. But i have since realized that i did not listen to her as she needed me to. I was kind of clueless. I am ready to listen now, but i accept that it may just be too late. I am finally learning to honor her boundaries, and I love it that she prioritizes self care.
I so appreciate the balanced way you handled this viewing of this woman's video. I felt seen and validated by your understanding and kindness. Personally, I feel much more compassion for the daughter in this situation. I think that Mom is being very selfish by airing this all to the world. She needs to let her daughter be.
Thank you for addressing this. It is a heartbreaking thing. 💜
@@donnellallan wow what a journey that must have been to get to a place where you can empathize with and support your daughter's decision despite the hurt that you feel! I'm sorry that your relationship turned out in a way you never planned for, and I'm glad to have heard some of your story
@@donnellallan You sound like you have grown a lot! I hope for you that the relationship you have with your daughter will be beautiful now that you are open. And thank you for sharing 🩷
You're so brave! Thank you for sharing. I wish you well ❤️🩹
@@e.k.4508 Totally agree
@@sk22-12 , thank you for your kind words! 💜
She can make dramatic videos but couldn’t read the book on the topic.
She wasnt ghosted. Her daughter wrote her a letter of explanation.
That seems a bit immature form my perspective, to be honest. A mature way of dealing with this would be to actually have a conversation. You can always end it with, "I'm taking a break for a while". It doesn't have to be so blunt and cruel. Especially that we sometimes unexpectedly change our mind. In years time she may look at this differently and she doesn't even know it yet.
@@CuttyKitty1i can't speak to her exact scenario, but i do know several no contact children. Many have used the letter route. They all tried many, many conversations, and often had those conversations weaponized against them. They twisted those conversations to become the victim and beat their children down with them. The letter was the only way to actually present everything. Even with a letter you see how this mom boiled it down to one point; it's just politics. Clearly it isn't or she wouldn't have cut off the mom's flying monkey even though they share politics.
@@trinitybernhardt9944 I do not believe that this is the only route to take a break or to break contact. If this is your goal, you can do this face to face in a way that is less hurtful, like suggested in my previous post. You can politely thank for best birthday wishes too without becoming too engaged or attached. If a person is unable to end things without getting sucked in then that suggests the need for further growth and maturing - it is normal for that to still be the process in one's late 20s and early 30s. In order to act skillfully and quickly you may need professinal help. Why not use it? An aside: We really do not know the whole story here and despite having studied psychology extensively, I would not be able to tell if this lady is truly a narcissist based on the video alone. Clinical psychologists would likely resort to all kinds of assessments and interviews before providing an opinion. Hence my annoyance with non-psychologists jumping to conclusions based on limited information. Also: there seems to be a culture of helplessness and attributing faults to external factors, including blaming parents for everything under the sun. I've been around for long enough to observe that pattern. Young people go through all kinds of crises these days including identity and meaning crises. They can feel lost for good reasons, but this may translate to maladaptive behaviors. While there are individuals who are truly being mistreated, the former cannot be discounted as a possibility based on the information provided. Again, seeking professional help might be useful.
@@Madamoizillion I certainly have individuals in my family I do not see having deeper connections with and I have been a witness to those who lost contact - both sides of the coin. It is not possible to compare the difficultes we might experience and every individual case is a little different. But I believe it is possible to be amicable and distant at the same time, in many cases (surely there are exceptions). For example, sending a best wishes card from time to time is far less painful than zero contact. My grandmother, who was raised by her grandparents (19th century manners) emphasized this kind of conduct and I find it helpful (both for onself and predictably another). Just sharing my perspective. While people who act narcistically (and I'm not implying anything about this case) may be extremely difficult and toxic, they are also human beings. If they are so closely related going no-contact might be experienced as a terrible suffering. Research shows that there is a strong social aspect to the etiology of narcissism - I believe that may include neglect or - on the other extreme - excessive admiration in childhood (check). These people were often abused themselves. We do not have to / should not seek strong associations with narcissists, but there may be a way about this that is more compassionate. Again, it is possible that I am missing an insight from lived experience, but thought I would share a different side to this because comments are overwhelmingly of a different viewpoint and that is not necessarily a good thing.
@@Madamoizillion Replying again as it seems my reply just vanished. I haven't seen this clip in a long time so I'm just replying from memory - my comments were a response to the overwhelmingly negative judgments of the mother who lost contact with a daughter. I do not know if she is narcissistic. I have wtinessed a family member who lost contact with their daughter and it was a traumatic, painful experience for them (as it was for the other person involved). They are not perfect, but the no-contact seemed a disproportionate response that arose from a number of misunderstandings. If anything, I am speaking to similar cases, rather than clearly abused and traumatized individuals. It seems to me that compassion is needed on both sides. And I think this can be extended to people with narcissistic tendencies as well (not implying this is the case here). Research shows that many individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) have experienced abuse themselves, suggesting that the disorder is often a result of environmental factors rather than inherent traits. Ultimately, I hope we can all approach these situations with compassion, even if we decide to go no contact.
"I took the book with me but I didn't read it"; "I scanned the book but it required too much contrition". She doesn't want to change and it doesn't sound like the wants to hear or listen to her child. A lot of ego, I think, too.
nailed it
She uses the word contrition. Like she legit says there was too much remorse and guilt associated with the book. This woman is terrified of looking at herself in the mirror and acknowledging her flaws.
@@homespundogg2154 True. Aaaaand btw: She spams videos now. She's addicted to the attention we gave her.
Yeah, how dare she be asked to be contrite and make changes for the sake of the child she "loves" so much.
@@so-sprach-zarathustra ironically, it looks like she's mugging online attention to replace the attention her daughter refuses to give her 😂
This woman is a bully. She's intentionally undermining/humiliating her daughter (putting down her tiktok content, mocking her). It's pretty incredible that this is the Mom's Nice Face since she has the power of curating her image because she KNOWS she will be posting this. Imagine what she's really like. Selfish, immature, sneaky, vicious. I hope her daughter is doing well.
That would not explain why her daughter doesn’t want contact with her dad also
@@pkaspar78 No, it would actually, because either there's a bunch of problems with the dad specifically too, or the same critiques apply to her dad being her mom's right hand man. Speaking from experience personal and observed, the dad in this instance (or mom) can end up becoming the white knight for the primary abuser, and have been talked into drinking the koolaid metaphorically speaking, so they become blind to the abuse of their partner towards their child, and only see the negatives their partner points out in their child, and then both become a tag team of abusers with one being more aggressive, and the other being more distant, but a snitch who will report anything to the primary abuser. Not saying this is the dynamic, but i wouldn't be surprised if it is.
@@pkaspar78 oh so you’re just slow?
@@pkaspar78I implore you to read Will I ever be good enough:Healing the daughter of narcissistic mothers by Karyl McBride she outlines how fathers become enablers to narcissistic abuse in an effort to keep the narc from taking it out on them.
@@pkaspar78 I'd say the part where he says she doesn't care about them being alive or dead, jumping to an extreme by saying that, after the mom includes that the daughter kept her number and them unblocked to be contacted in case of emergency, calling the dad when she's told he's sick, would indicate a rather substantial issue on his part. Either he's just as aggressive and mean-spirited as the mother, or in the very least he allowed the mother's behavior to continue through the daughter's childhood.
Trust me, she doesn't care about her daughter's privacy... also she calls her cosplay "exotic" in a way that you hear people talk down about stripping. Her whole demeanor is so angry and filled with contempt I've gotten from my grandma whenever I did anything she disliked...
I see a mother hurting for herself and not worrying much about her daughter.
I can see that
@@MS-gy7bk "No apparent reason"? 😄 The reason is quite obvious, if you watch the video. That mother is a narcissist that always blames someone else for her problems and when the other person has finally had it, goes into this martyr -mode which is seen in the video.
@@MS-gy7bk no apparent reason? He mother was vague for a reason. She knocked the letter and the reasons. If my child disconnected with me I would be worried about my child’s health and happiness much more than my own anger and feelings of abandonment.
@@MS-gy7bkshe wrote her mother an email explaining why. If she was a person with reasonable communication skills, I’m sure her daughter would have spoken to her rather than emailed. You mombies are insufferable!
@@MS-gy7bk I feel like, if she really wanted to know what her daughter felt she would have inniated a conversation after her daughter sent her the letter. She wasn't cut off at that point. Instead she chose to write it off as an “angry outburt” and ignore it. She told us exactly that. Her daughter cut her off when mom didn't try to understand the daughter and just
Liked a Facebook post. She also outted her daughter’s diagnosis to the world. I don't see a loving concerned mother doing that. I have seen the mother’s side and I don't like it. Literally all we have is the mother’s perspective and I am still seeing her as wrong in this case. The mother is in pain but she is feeling her own pain alone. Her perspective is very narcissistic.
Daughter: Don't contact me outside of emergencies. Mother: Contacts over and over again with nonsense. Daughter reacts with silence.
Mother informs Daughter about a funeral on zoom. Daughter attends. Mother: She attended an event where someone else should have been the focus, but we could not see her !!!
Mother: Contacts daughter bc of an emergency. Daughter calls. Mother : She did as I told her to, but it wasn't good enough!!!
Another funeral in the family. Mother doesn't inform daughter. Mother " She doesn't care who I am, what I think,etc"
Mother watches daughters TikTok and her success. Mother "We have been replaced! "
Mother watches TikTok about daughters 2 diagnosis. Mother : Nah, she was just a normal child to us....
Parents watch TikTok about what she learned (!) with the no contact. Mother:I can't understand her! Father: She doesn't care about us!
Honestly it sounds like a huge pity party.
She doesn't respect her daughters boundaries, nothing her daughter does is good enough (her cosplay is so questionable???) and the whole time she doesn't try to reflect on what went wrong. It's all about the mothers feelings, her perception, her reactions.
One doesn't need a lot of fantasy to find a reason why the daughter cut contact
Omg we have so many of the same thoughts! Totally!
The mother is also a Trump supporter, which isn't surprising. He speaks to narcissists' personality.
yup this sounds like a lot of me me me me I'm the victim
Yes this, omg I can't believe she wouldn't the daughter know the grandfather died and then had the audacity to be like "she didn't care"
So well put.
When the mother admits that she found her TikTok, made a snide comment about her content, and showed her cyberstalking on the couch, you have to translate this through the lens of toxic narcissism,, she is letting her daughter know " I am watching you, I found you!" It is her exerting control and trying to trigger her daughter. My NPD mother emailed my previous employer to tell them about how awful I was to cut her out. I have been in NC for over ten years. This is pure gossip disguised as concern, it was her saying, " I found you and I will humiliate and smear you into a reaction!" Lucky for me, my employer saw right through it and helped me with a Cease and Desist.
Great employer.
@barbaralindhjem2488 she was. She knew immediately without me even explaining my situation.
Ad soon as the mom said that, I said OUT LOUD "You're crossing a boundary. You are crossing a boundary."
And the mom just.... couldn't even try to see it from the child's perspective.
My mom did this with every employer I had until I finally went to companies without general switchboards. I'm glad you finally escaped as well!
My mother has written these letters as well, to my partners, to my friends, anyone who might be supportive of me.
I’m glad you have support.
"We did the best we could" is always a huge red flag to me. I've only heard bad parents say that, honestly. My own mom, who was a great mom to me growing up, gets so mad/ashamed at herself for like the handful of times she screwed up bad, and is open about that, sometimes admitting "I felt like a terrible mom" (recounting like, the time she forgot me at the ice skating rink or when she lied to me about getting ice cream when we were really going to the doctor because she thought I was too young to register the betrayal). She recognizes that she caused me hurt a few times over the course of my childhood, and even though I don't ask for it, she apologizes for that.
I think the fact that she was aware she wasn't always in the right or doing the right thing, that she could potentially screw up enough to become "terrible," is a sign that she actually was truly very responsible and trying her absolute best. Causing harm made her feel bad and she never tried to justify or defend harm. That's why harm was not the norm in our house, the way I know it was for many of my friends.
I think that this lady and people like her who reply to criticisms of their parenting with just "we did the best we could," dismissively, either never considered that their actions were wrong, or simply reflexively justified any and all harm they caused. I think it's probably actually pretty healthy to be a little terrified you're fucking up your kid as a parent, instead of simply assuming you're doing great and can't improve. Owning up to mistakes you've made shows that you care. "We did the best we could" comes off sounding like "By our standards we did a good job, so you can't criticize us."
These people will say "we did the best we could" when their adult kid gets hospitalized for severe depression or brings up their anxiety or cptsd symptoms in conversation, like the fact that the kid has mental/emotional problems is in itself a criticism directly attacking the parents. They'll get defensive about an argument that isn't happening-- all that's happening is that the kid is experiencing symptoms of psychological damage. It's like punching someone and then later interpreting the fact that they have a bruise & are taking ibuprofen as a personal attack.
It is telling considering my highly abusive mother also said it constantly and often in a very very angry tone but it was always I did the best. My father's contributions were always belittled. His were far greater.
Yes, I've noticed this too! There's a parenting quote that goes 'if you think you're doing it wrong you're probably doing it right.' What a lot of kids want from their parents is accountability, not perfection. I've also noticed it's always horrible parents who 'did their best' and wonderful parents who regret and lament their past mistakes
YOU WERE NOT GHOSTED! She told you, clearly, why she was dropping contact and why she felt unsafe around you. Ghosting is when it happens with zero warning and no explanation. You have your explanation; you just don't like it.
Also she did not do the best she could. She did the best she was willing to do, and her daughter decided that her mother's choices to neglect and dismiss her were not okay anymore. Good for her!
I was ghosted by a friend of 10+ years and it's fascinating to watch the difference in what I was thinking vs her.
I was worried about how I hurt my friend so I could offer specific apologies and how I could make sure I never did something that horrible.
When she gave me her reason (2 years later): I talked about someone else's wedding for 15 mins out of a 30 min car ride to tue airport 3 days after her wedding. After flying 4 states to be in her wedding.
I spent months before that doubting myself and second-guessing everything I said or did in case it could hurt someone the same way.
Well said!
Toxic parent- This video just solidified her daughter never coming back into her life. All she did was make a bad situation worse. What a narcissist mess.
I imagine it'd be pretty hard to come back from this video 😬
I don't understand how people like her are able to make it to adult life!
“her birthday is very important day for ME too” “I buy MYSELF a present every year for her birthday too” really lady you have NO idea why your daughter won’t talk you?
I was hoping that she still bought her daughter a card or present for one day.
She’s lying.
She said she does that since her daughter went no contact as part of consoling herself
"Forgiveness for me. Forgiveness for Ted too. But mostly myself"
I do that* since she was born. *buying a present for myself on that day because I did so much.
" I saved her from choking on a candy wrapper when she was a baby" first of all, why where candy wrapoers just laying about in the vicinity of your baby? Second of all "well THANK YOU, MOM, for not letting me die after your neglectful behavior almost caused me to choke" and don't come at me with "oh, the candy wrapper was there because I was being nice and giving HER the candy" cuz woman, please, babies shouldn't eat candy. Check yourself. So infuriating.
I gUeSs i ShOuLdNt HaVe sTaRtEd wItH tHaT. 🙄🤨
Kids don't really ghost their parents, really. They usually spend years and years and years trying to reason with them regarding boundaries and appropriate behaviour and what they need from them. And it all gets ignored. Then they start saying they'll have to cut contact or they become less present while voicing why. Until a point where they realise their parent will never change and even then they usually still voice they are going no contact. If you tell soleone you are going no contact and the reasons why, it's not ghosting, it's a break-up.
Yes. This is usually the case. Years of trying, but never being heard because most of these moms see their children forever as an extension of themselves. They are not individuals, even when kids are 40, 50, etc
My mom told me to F off and then says I abandoned her 🙄😂
@@leialoha70I call it "selective listening" because they usually only cheery pick the parts that they can weaponize later, but the parts about why you're cutting contact go ignored.
I’ve met tons of kids in the foster care system who had been through all forms of abuse, verbal, physical and sexual. And despite everything, NONE of them ever said anything bad about their parents. Each and every one of them still loved the ones who treated them so horribly and exposed them to things kids never should have to face.
Kids would literally die for some parents who wouldn’t even cry if the kid dropped dead. Kids LOVE their parents. So when a kid ends up cutting them off, when they finally put their foot down to separate from them, that’s when you know a parent is an utter lost cause.
Sure, there are some cases where estrangement isn’t the parent’s fault, such as the kid getting addicted to drugs, the kid having an abusive partner, or being indoctrinated into a cult. But when a kid steps away of their own volition? Most of the time it’s because the parent did not ever establish a positive relationship with them, only the illusion of one that was one sided on the kid’s end.
Yeah, I noticed the misuse of the word ghosted too
Instead of reaching out and offering to go to therapy or get more clarity, this mom dismisses and disrespects her daughter’s wishes. She calls her letter an “angry outburst.” She cannot fathom that she is a huge part of the problem. I’m older than this woman so it’s not a generational thing. Her arrogance is astounding.
I agree. The woman sounds like a gaslighter
A true narcissist. I know. My mother is the same and Im 66 and have gone no contact with her so not generational
@@great-garden-watch Same! I'm 23. I went no contact a few months ago.
You didn't read the letter. How are you certain it was not an angry outburst?
@@PS-qn4ozit's not an "angry outburst" to try to explain how she feels to her parents. It's not like the parents have to agree with every point but if they want answers to WHY their daughter is estranged ot is in that letter. By dismissing her honest feelings as an "angry outburst" is a failure to actually care about her experiences and needs.
Audacity of her sending self help stuff to her daughter.. and the guilt trip of "i saved you from choking as a child" like yeah that's what a parent does.
Audacity is a good word
My aunt did this to me. She sent me a few books and videos for self help. It was so insulting. I took a big step and told her why I avoided certain family members and she called me immature and a few awful names. She wants me to "get over it" by reading those books...
@@Elemmiire098because she’s a secret keeper and turns that ‘blind eye’ to toxicity. It proves how deeply fearful she really is. It’s fear that rules lives-all of us in many ways. It’s meant as a PARTNER not a leader. There’s also an ‘attitude’ about being a snitch, or staying out of grown folks business. We want freedoms and deny putting in the work often. We can all benefit in understanding and knowing it’s a two way street. We can’t lose faith in our ability to heal! Blessings of Love 🙏🏻❤️😉
The choking thing hit me hard. I mean, what else would a parent do ? Nothing ? Let their child choke to death ? Pretty sure that could send you to the slammer 🤦♀️
That's what anyone would do for any child in a flipping supermarket 🤷
I though it was interesting that at 27:26 she talked about forgiving herself because "you can't help but blame yourself" and yet she didn't like that one book because it "put too much blame on the parents." I don't believe she has ever actually thought this situation was caused by her actions or truly blamed herself. I know she is telling her side of the story, but she has to see herself as a victim and it's giving me the biggest ick
You are much more sympathetic than I am. I don’t find the mother genuine at all. To me she embodies the “passive aggressive cutting remark” if that makes sense.
@@whyisitround9316 totally agree
Exactly! Also her husband harps on the daughter not caring what it does to them. I literally yelled “cuz it’s not her responsibility”. Honestly I get that whole me me me us us us and no effort to even attempt to understand the daughter.
This video could have been done using my mom as the example. The lack of introspection or accountability must be a generational thing with parents. As a mom, I know I’ve done my fair share of screwing up. The thing I’ve learned from having a passive aggressive low grade narc of a mother is to do my best to own my faults and APOLOGIZE when I’ve done wrong.
Agree, and the over the top emotional sad music playing in her video? Totally manipulative
Honestly I think sympathy for an abusive parent is a dangerous behaviour
I recently heard a therapist say that children will treat their aging parents in need the same way their aging parentes treated them when they were little and needed them.
If thats true then that means I will leave my mom with abusive family members.
@@JesusLightsYourPath I see it in my family.
I would never treat anyone the way my parents treated me. I’d rather go no contact or low contact
I will never be able to treat her the same way, that is why I left.
I was way better to my aging parents than they ever were to me or any of my siblings
What baffles me most about her whole video is that it takes an incredible amount of time to storyline, script, look for supporting background music, act, look for angles, compile, edit, and proof the video for cohesion. It is a lot of hearing and seeing herself talk over and over again, but awareness seems to elude her every time almost as if she is indentured to not seeing it.
It's possible she has malignant NPD and if that's the case, she's going out to destroy her own daughter any way possible. This is a textbook "she's bad and I'm the victim here".
Exactly what I thought
VERY well put.
The willingness to do this alone says it all. Social media is inherently attention seeking which isn't necessarily bad, but to add this kind of production value to it is laughably self-serving.
Yes. I saw another commentary video on her, and was shocked at how clearly, obviously staged it all is.
Also, why is she smiling for so much of these videos? Isn't she lamenting that her daughter has estranged herself from her?
The reason you send a letter instead of having a face to face conversation is either because you’re not safe in their presence, you know they have enough power to manipulate you into removing the boundaries that you’re trying to set or you know that any attempt at a conversation would be as effective as screaming into a void.
For me it was all of the above.
This dude is giving the mom _way_ too much credit. My blood is boiling.
agreed because he doesnt hold the parent accountable to being the “authority” figure she claims to be. he doesnt really mention the fact that the parent clearly doesnt care about the feelings of the child.
also for him to not mention how sexually off it is that the mom is hate watching her daughters “exotic” TikToks…. 😑
Yup they will just dismiss what you have to say and and guilt or shame you right into what they want
@@alienateddyeah it was giving me emotional incest vibes. This woman was making my alarm bells ring all over the board. It’s like she’d be besties with my birth mother.
One thing that I find so frustrating about a lot of these estranged parents conversations is that it would be so easy for so many of these parents to take the first step to fixing their relationships. Because even though the narrative is "I did my best." the actual problem is how you are interacting with your adult children NOW. If you are dismissing everything your child says about your present relationship, then there comes a point when it's pointless to keep trying to communicate.
I don't even need to resolve the childhood stuff. I just want them to now treat me with the respect I am asking for as an adult. But even that is just too hard because they want to be boundary-breakers. It's really tragic tbh.
Literally just "I'm sorry" would go so far
Exactly, I’ve forgiven my parents for being flawed when I was little, but now, how they show up now matters. We’re all flawed but are we trying to do better in every moment?
This lady has no self-awareness or empathy for her daughter.
good point they struggle with there child being an adult and that new dynamic. when she cries abd says "I think we really did do our best" she's saying because her daughter has stopped contact doesn't mean they didn't just the relationship isn't working for there daughter, they need to speak and listen. I've realised ppl are unable to hear what some is saying. I've spoke to my grandparents a d wrote letters and neither forms of communication they hear me they just go back to "that's in the past" obviously everything is more complicated like that as I had undiagnosed selective mutism as a child and shitload of shame which I just recognised at 37 that's wgst that feeling is , that takes a lot of work abd therapy which I'm having on and off for 7tears I wish it was something I could ignore and move on. I don't have partners snd 1 friend but if I had a partner and kids maybe I could let these things past, but as I find forming relationships so difficult it's something I've had to go back in time abd comb through to move on. and if. how they are brings all that shame and low self esteem back and I go bk to feeling a helpless child which is why I leave them alone for a bit. it's really hard to explain that
@@GetOfflineGetGoodthey can't say sorry because they really don't know what they did wrong, they really don't remember the past like we do.
She smiles while she is being dismissive of her daughter. Sounds like she never took her daughter seriously. Now shes the victim. DARVO
Yes and she smiled when she said she had to tell her grandpa passed
DARVO? And yes the smiles are definitely at inopportune times
@@Therapy2Day Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
@@Therapy2Day May need to brush up on the dynamics of domestic violence research.
@@PrairieJen ah I see
What a passive aggressive mom. She’s justifying her behavior by crying out to the public at large. Her poor daughter.
Yeah this definitely didn't need to be aired out in public, but I am glad at least for people to recognize that they are not alone in struggling with this kind of concern
A covert narcissist I think. That poor daughter
Passive agressive? After the reaction in the comments, she was seething! She grinded her teeth. There was nothing passive about her agression, she was like a volcano 🌋
And stalking her daughter on social media
@@NickM_FirstofHisName, you’re right. Seething is the correct word.
Why dont parents get that we dont want perfection, we want a decent human?
The mother sounds very self centered and narcissistic. I have no doubt that the daughter could tell us stories about emotional manipulation and neglect and discounting of the daughter's feelings.
My child went no contact. So I respected her boundaries and go to therapy. No matter what, I was the adult - my part is huge and alot to unpack. I am still working on me. We both need this time.
So glad you are pursuing therapy, I wish for healing for both of you❤️
@@down-to-earth-mystery-school thank you. It's good tobe seen.
That’s the right attitude! You are open to therapy and working on accountability unlike this woman. Good luck on your journey.😊
@@judymurray191 thank you
I would have given anything if my parents had gone to therapy! Instead I repeatedly got that useless "we did the best we could" followed by a half smile. (Even they didn't believe themselves).
Im really surprised you didn't pick up more on the lack of accountability from the parents. The mother acts like the victim, when in order for a child to take such an action, they must have been hurt over and over or hurting for years and unheard. It is incredibly brave to cut contact with family members. It's not done lightly.
People not raised by parent's like Diane are susceptible to their manipulations as are unhealed co-dependents and enablers of them.
It makes me very disappointed and also makes sense now why so many didn’t seem to get it. Because they don’t if they haven’t lived it.
That is not the only conclusion that can be drawn. It could very well be that the daughter is the narcissist. That she is appropriating her own victim story to separate from her parents and blame them. You just don’t know.
Yeah this therapist is not that good
@@debblouin You sound like a typical enabler. People who have lived in a family like this and have been through recovery recognize your toxic attitude as well... We know Diane is personality disordered - it's right on her videos to be seen. Maybe Haley is as well but that doesn't make Diane a saint. You do know both parent and child can have problems, right? And you do know that children who walk away are rarely the issue? Abuser off-spring of toxic parents like Lady Di tend to stick around and abuse while Scapegoat children tend to walk away so they are not abused anymore and can't be accused of abusing the parent. That said, just walking away makes you into an abuser according to these types of parents even though doing something as trash as one word answering Haley's letter and hoping it would "blow over" by ignoring it for a year is clearly good parenting to you, right? Nothing toxic or abusive in that, right? Remove thine head from its current useless location, open your eyes and educate yourself.
"I still love you; whatever you say or don't say about me, you can't change that. I will fucking love you forever, like it or not." was such a telling line at the end. To me that one line shows the issue in this relationship. It's about what the parent wants and thinks they are entitled to, even if it's at the detriment of what the adult child needs and feels.
Her opening music gives me the impression that she is purposefully painting herself as the victim.
Narcs are always the victim (covert narcs).
The typing sounds also make it seem like a true crime that happened to her
I’m a 50 year old mother who cut ties with my mother years ago. I watched this woman’s video last year and was struck by how little she honored her daughter’s boundaries and how extremely selfish she is.
It doesn’t matter if this woman thinks she was a “good parent,” she needs to understand that might not have been her daughter’s experience. I commented on her video that she only considers her own feelings in this situation, not once does she have any introspection regarding her own behavior, and that her daughter doesn’t owe her anything.
Would I be devastated if my children cut contact? Absolutely!. The difference is that I would spend my time listening to my children’s complaints and making changes in MY behavior, because that’s what I can control and fix. In my own life, I have made significant changes in myself and have been rewarded with a closer relationship and connection with my children.
This woman is completely focused on what her daughter is “doing to her,” instead of facing her own actions that may have been the cause of her feeling the need to break contact.
I severed contact with my own mother because she is just like this woman. She believes she was a “good parent” and refuses to even acknowledge that was not my experience. In her mind, much like this woman, she has no responsibility whatsoever.
Yes exactly. My moms only response to my 5 letters was.. "I was a VERY good mother. Cant believe you wanna treat your own mother this way!?"
Queue the violins
Yup. Totally agree, as a daughter who has had to make extremely difficult decisions to save myself.
I guess even if she did have introspection, you can't very well express your mistakes to someone who doesn't want to talk to you now can you? So saying that she lacks introspection is just an assumption not a fact.
@@yvonneshaub6111 ma’am, I am 50 years old and have had the SAME mother for all 50 years. Do you not know your own mother? After 50 years, I can tell you how my mother behaves because I have 50 dang years of experience with her. Saying that the woman on the video lacks introspection is also obvious because I have ears and eyes. Zero assumptions needed for either situation.
What do you think you’re offering here with this comment other than unwarranted criticism and judgement? I’m going to *assume* that more people are lacking introspection besides the two women I was talking about.
yes, i'm so closer to her age than to her daughter's! But i think her behaviour is terrible. Her daughter doesn't get to have feelings. The daughter's feelings are ''anger'' and Diane is SAD. ie, the victim. Argh
I cut my abusive parents out of my life back in the mid 80's as I didn't want to repeat the horrible cycle of abuse! When I married my husband, 34 years ago, I met a completely different aspect of " abusive" parents, those that use money, manipulation and control to keep their children enmeshed. I tried for 31 years, to cowtow to his parents, but it finally took a toll on me and I had to go no contact, but my husband couldn't do it at that time. However, a year later, he finally started speaking up and that turned his entire family against him. It got so bad, both of us were physically assaulted and my husband was so broken by all of this, he attempted suicide. After getting permanent restraining orders and went no contact, 21 months ago, we are find peace and healing.
People are realizing they don't "owe" their parents anything and that once they are adults, their parents do not have the right to interfere in their lives and it's not just young people doing this.We are in our 60's!
It seems like YOU are the problem.
Thanks for your comment. I'm almost 50 and had to recently return to no-contact when my mother started treating my 17 year old daughter with the violence and disrespect that she visited on myself and my siblings. No more. No more. My father is the same. It will always hurt, them and me. But it hurts more to continue the cycle..❤❤ Love to all in the same situation. This culture is sick and is killing us.
I'm so sorry you both had to endure that. The two of you deserved better. I'm glad that you have each other, and I hope your hearts can find healing together.
Diane has a whole video about how dumb kids are doing this. But it seems to me it's USUALLY older people. Because we DO try firtst, often for decades.
So you've cut out 2 sets of parents? Sounds like you are the one who has a problem. Remember your own words if your children do the same to you.
I wrote my 75 year old mother a letter in March. I wanted to know if she was a different person since all her kids walked away from her. She did write back. Only to say she is happier than she has ever been and she doesn't want anything from her children. She did not address the pain she inflicted nor take responsibility for my brother's unaliving when he was 19. She preached her religion to me and I saw she was the same woman that me and my 4 siblings walked away from. I wasn't surprised or traumatized by her coldness. I expected it. I wanted to know if I was too hard on her. I reached out to see if I had any good part of a mother left. Now I know for sure that I am free from her. I was a good daughter checking on my elderly mother not wanting her to die alone. She lied about being happier than ever but that's the lie that she needs to cope.
I think taking care of elderly parents is a lot different than being held responsible for your parents emotional needs when they're still competent enough to live independently
I 100% agree. I wish there was more communication between them, giving the parent an opportunity to make changes. I feel like this daughter has probably done that but with other families I wish more was put into fixing the problems. Problems are easy to identify, hard to fix.
@@jonigarciajg 100%.
Something I'd say to parents with estranged adult children is: there's always a middle ground where your child would love to meet you. If your child is really so important to you, stop crying about it publicly on the internet and go do the work. Posting videos like that is only furthering the divide and it's pretty passive aggressive. Your child has already lived a lifetime dealing with your pity parties and emotional manipulation. In short, this crap right here is the reason she HAD to go no-contact. How do you deal with someone who's main focus is buying themselves gifts on their child's birthday and "forgiving themselves" without doing anything to reconcile core issues. The mom is secretly LOVING the attention she's getting from being estranged. She likes it.
Agreed… parenting is hard work and it doesn’t end once they are 18. That the deal that we sign up for
I was picking up on her enjoying her new persona as 'an estranged mom'.
@@thatwiseyogi I mean, of course. She's using this situation to her advantage. She can go to all her friends and family and get attention and sympathy (narcissist "supply"). That's worth way more to some than actually working toward a healthy relationship with their child. I can just see it clear as day with this one why her child had to get out of that situation and find autonomy. So twisted.
Yep, she's relishing her new identity as the poor misunderstood abandoned mother who truly did the best she could. She is choosing to wear this identity as a crown and gather subjects around her who will worship her and reinforce her view of herself.
"She doesn't care about how we feel" Ya'll don't seem about how she feels either, so I'd say you're even!
that was def my first thought when the dad was mad she didn't seem "sorry"... I am like he expects her to feel bad? She didn't specifically say she hated them public and they are mad she isn't sorry?? I was kinda flabbergasted.
I’d say the daughter cares a lot, has tried everything ten different ways at least but nothing worked so she has had to practice self preservation and go no contact.
The tears are just another way of manipulating, and as soon as I see them I say “hear we go, another round of avoidance”.
No man, that mom is a narcissistic parent. It’s all about her, nothing about her daughters concern
"It was about politics, except none of her behavior reflected that."
edit "her angry letter...my sad letter", i.e. "I am such a victim of her anger."
Putting time and resources into your child is just basic care. You don't get any rewards for that!
I think this is where culturally, I would personally see it as mutual responsibility when it comes to care for elderly parents, but I see your point
@@BergenholtzChannel I mean, I think most of the time, the parents cross their fingers that they will be "rewarded" by having a good relationship with their kids if they put a lot of efforts in it, but we don't have both sides of the story, so 🤔
I once saved my son's life when he choked on a toy another family member gave him for his 3rd birthday. I felt responsible for the fact he had been given something he could choke on. I didn't feel I should get superhero points for being neglectful.
@@karenholmes6565 Spot on! And I will steal your line about superhero points and tell my children to just GIVE me those points for all sorts of reasons, and they will rub it into my face and we will all have a good laugh 😁.
I'm very grateful for having a good relationship with all three of them. I'm not afraid to lose them at all like this mother did. Having experienced the other way around (my mother pushed me away three times for 20 years in total), I explained to my children why she probably did this. When my oldest was about 14 and the youngest was about 4, I tried to reconnect with her. It worked, in a way. On the condition (my idea and proposal to her) to never talk about the reasons ever again. She agreed. She wanted to see her grandchildren, I wanted to see my mother. It was a very lonely experience for me though. But never more lonely than during the time I was trying to connect emotionally, which just never ever worked.
So, she died two years ago. Without acknowledging anything and without me expecting this of her. Of course it was hurtful, but the best of what I thought could be done in this situation. And I made sure to have a really good relationship with my kids (18-27 now) and they with me.
Alright, now going to collect the hero points for achieving this 😉
@@Therapy2DayI’m from an Asian community. Narc parents are narc parents. Being from Asian descent doesn’t change it
The mother is a great example of the phrase, "There are none so blind, as those who refuse to see."
Is this woman a comedian? This is a spoof! Caricature of a narcissistic parent.
Not just a caricature 😂
What a relief if it was.
Sadly, she's not spoofing anything. She's just the worst.
Reminds me of my extremely narcissistic father. After growing up consistently being told "don't talk about your family" (it was an enmeshment situation among many other problems), he immediately told everyone who would listen how terrible my sister and I are, and how we were to blame. In reality, my parents told us to stop talking to *them*, but they had to get the first word out to control the narrative. This woman makes my skin crawl
She's not even the worst
Love how the cat keeps reaching for that second hand - like "you got two hands, i want double cuddles" - Thank you for a sensible and sensitive analysis.
Haha what he and I think is supposed to be happening are very different
@@Therapy2DayI love his face, is he elderly?
I love your kitty, the purrs are priceless, very soothing. 🐈💕
@@nesxya it's a little different when I'm napping and suddenly he thinks it'd be nice to nap on my face and purr
@@Therapy2Day laugh 😂 Mine does that then she makes biscuits. I wake up feeling like a pin cushion. Then my old dog gets jealous and plunks down on my shoulder and tries to roll over both of us for stomach pets. Half the time I'm pushed off the bed onto the floor but I love it. I love them, wouldn't have it another way. I have to say, watching you and your kitty really brought joy to such a morbid contrite video. I watched her video last year. I left a common sense comment and the mother who made this video was rude. You are very generous and kind in your viewing of her. 😊
My mother told me I was her ‘emotional support animal’. When I told her she was responsible for her own emotions, it was only a short time, and I cut off contact. My mental and emotional health has been much better with no contact. I’ve told my mother that if she actually tries, by going to therapy and addressing the issues I’ve communicated, we can try again. No answer, for years. Okay, I’m going to be with people who are emotionally mature and less needy.
You’re right. It’s not your job to support her emotionally. It’s her job to support you.
I resonate with this so deeply. I am at the start of going full no contact after begging my mom to go to therapy and my dad to stop sweeping all the issues under the carpet and yet we are still at square one. My mom didn’t say emotional support animal out loud but when she got fed up of us trying to talk some sense into her she claimed none of us loved her anymore and literally replaced us with a dog. A dog she didn’t even take care of and got rid of shortly after. I admire your assertiveness. It’s taken me way too long to get to this point.
Mom said straight to my face. "Things went to shit when you hit puberty."
No. I was finally waking up to her BULLSHIT.
Yeah no one autistic has ever heard "you sound like a robot." Good frigging job mom!
I feel like that one's right up there with "you just need to focus more!" when it comes to ADHD, like thanks, now I'm cured!
When each of our parents died my brother who is high functioning ASD just said "oh" and went about doing what he was going to do. I knew it was part of the ASD but it still hurt me that he seemed to not care about parents who did everything they could for him before ASD was a diagnosis. He knew every game of the Red Sox as far back as the years before he was even born. Players, statistics, win/lose, he was my "human calculator " my math is about a second grade level even being a chiropractor. I miss that. He was my family. ❤
@@SuperDrLisa was?
As soon as I heard the mother say that about her daughter, I thought, ‘this is exactly the way that your reply as parents likely sounded to your daughters asking about why you would support a grapist SA predator criminal (Trump)’
‘Well we’re just good old fashioned republicans that believe in the bible and god done dunnit and murca’ the brave’.
🤦♀️
I assumed the daughter was grey rocking during the phone call with her dad and that's why the mom said she sounded like a robot
Talking to my mother is useless. She rewrites history so effortlessly. When I correct her, she says, "I don't remember that."
I have the same thing. Mine even tried to murder me and now she pretends she doesn't remember it.
You want to trip her up on that?
Say this:."That's because for me it was a painful, soul crushing and heartbreaking moment *pause* for you it was a Tuesday"
Bet you she goes all surprised Pikachu
Or 'you exaggerate things'. I cut mine off a couple of months ago, the weight I felt lifted was immense.
@@winterwulf1995i did exactly what you said. She hung up the phone on me 😏. Her response before hanging up the phone was "move on already"
The fact that the mom has gone public and seems not to do any intersection, or go to therapy speaks volumes.
@@patriceh444 I assume you mean introspection
@@patriceh444 and she outted her child’s name and diagnosis. Really gross behavior.
@@kerrilea73 Her daughter put HER OWN diagnosis on the internet.
Did you even listen?
Nit wit
@@mlwsmp The daughter didn't have her real name out there. Mom disclosed her disgnosises and her name publically. Mom put it out to the world with the diagnosis. Interesting that the people defending the mother keep calling people names on here. Do you always jumping to verbal abuse when you disagree with someone or does this topic just trigger you? Hope you don’t talk to people in your life that way or that might be why they go NC with you.
A decent therapist will call her out. She knows that.
It all became very clear when she commented that she sent her daughter self-help advice crystal clear
I'm a person with ADHD and autism who left her parents and biological family at large over a decade ago. I feel lucky. I was born, I believe, with independent critical thinking faculties that protected me from accepting and integrating the scapegoating, bullying, and other abuse my immediate and extended family offered. If I had been diagnosed with neurodivergence as a younger person, I would have been pathologized by this family. That situation would have been intolerable. I cannot imagine any non-toxic way forward, for anyone who is different or who draws the short straw in a power dynamic, with an emotionally or otherwise abusive family. Furthermore, our collective / societal understanding of ADHD and autism is stereotypical at best, based on a very narrow lane defined by diagnostics that only address how neurodivergence expresses itself in white men and boys. When 80% of women, girls, and people of color with neurodivergence go undiagnosed, we are working in a world where equity is neither achievable nor valued. The so-called professionals have a lot of work to do to catch up with the community.
Yes absolutely greater education and awareness needs to be done in regards to what neurodivergence means and what it doesn't mean.
All of this. I'm so happy for your happiness!
💯
YES❤
I am Audhd diagnosed as well and my parents made childhood far harder than it would have been initially which would have been very hard anyway. Tempted to cut off... but we don't talk much anyway. It is very up and down
Annoying, emotionalizing music and crying into the camera. Yeah, that's the current trend all over social media. I don't have sympathy for any of these people. Be they young or old. All they want is attention.
@@docmacabre I can see how you would respond that way. It definitely feels dramatized
@@Therapy2Day The main issue I have with this is that it desensitizes people. And that ultimately leads to people not taking others seriously even when they're being honest/not attention-seeking. Ah well... The internet. It's both a blessing and a curse.
@@docmacabre I see what you mean by that, when it seems a little too played up to elicit emotion
I 87% expected her to whip out a ukulele
You nailed it.
The buying herself a gift on her daughters birthday thing threw me over the edge. I thought she was going to say I donate to a cause that she would approve of (such as an animal shelter).
Then the choking as baby thing... just wow.
the fact that she put all of this on the internet, in the form of a dramatic video complete with sad music and re-enactments, instead of self-reflecting or seeking professional help. 🤦♀️
I noticed a huge tell. She sent her daughter a few self-development books that she thought her daughter would enjoy. She thought her daughtet would enjoy? Or she thought her daughter needed fixing? I know if I were her daughter, I'd have burned those books or sent them back.
Yep, another attempt at coercing and controlling.
This.
When i dropped out of university and went no contact with my father, he kept sending me magazine (through relatives handing them to me) about job opportunities if i kept studying and finished with good degrees...
And I was thinking "I am your adult son, smart enough to go to university and stay there. Do you really think I don't know about the opportunities I will be missing? Thanks for constantly reminding me."
“The day I first became a mother” to describe my child’s birthday - yikes! That thought would never enter my mind (as a mother of 2, now adults). She seems to make everything about herself. Even watching her daughter’s TickTock, instead of “was so nice to see her thriving, even remotely” it was “no mention of me!” I understand why the daughter chose her own peace, this woman wants to be the star of her own drama and stirs up drama after drama.
That's ridiculous.
If course that's how she views it. It was a momentous day in HER LIFE. Her baby, first born. That experience she had. It is HER life too. Not saying unlike this mother but it seems like the daughter is woke and so far left she is halfway to Antarctica.
My Mom and I are BFFs and she once mentioned such a thing towards me. So it doesn't necessarily only come from toxic people. I think it is an Emotion Like many that you can either have wholesomely or Center in a toxic way.
@@HumanimalChannel could be. But Just as Well could be a chronically dismissive parent who still doesn't get it.
And she is 50??? She looks late 60s , thats what toxic do to You
@@AyAReI00 Or being Caucasian and enjoying the outdoors over the years. Melanin is there for a reason.
The Mom comes across as self-centered and selfish. I had a period when my older son wouldn't talk to me, and it was very hurtful. But instead of putting my wishes and desires into the situation, I tried to take myself back somewhat. I hoped that letting him have the space to address his needs would open up an opportunity for us to start talking again, and thankfully, that worked. I know he was in therapy during that period, and that played a big part, too. I am sure that badgering him with my need to be recognized as a good mom would have driven him even farther away.
Appreciate your story and your thoughts. I think there is this feeling of defensiveness protecting the idea of "I'm a good mom/dad" that may prevent the listening that's needed in the first place. Sounds like you identified that and stopped letting it get in the way
As the child who took YEARS to cut their parent off this video is so aggravating. They just refuse to actually LISTEN to their daughter and instead dismiss her problems. "We did nothing wrong." TRY LISTENING. JUST FOR ONCE. LIKE GENUINELY SITTING DOWN AND HEARING WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER IS TELLING YOU. Because OBVIOUSLY something is wrong, and your daughter is trying to TELL YOU.
For the estranged parents seeing this WE WANT OUR PARENTS. WE WANT OUR MUMS AND DADS. It's a basic, primitive instinct that gets you in the middle of the night when you're feeling lonely. "I want my mummy" never fucking leaves you. All we want is a relationship with you, I honestly can't beat this into people's heads enough. It's such an honest, pure, desperate cry for love and to be seen/heard/loved by our PARENT. But if you continue to hurt us, be unsafe and refuse to listen we have to protect ourselves.
Lil' triggered? Maybe....
Absolutely. I’d known for something like 5 years that I needed to cut off my family before I finally got the gall and courage to do so, and then it STILL took me an additional 6 months to do it. And this is all over the course of 11 years.
I wasn’t willing to leave my sick, neurodivergent brother alone with the wolves, not that he ever acknowledged their mistreatment and ignoring of him. When he suddenly passed away, it was like being freed, which sucks because I would much rather have my brother than not. But the way I was treated by the family surrounding his memorial services? It was every confirmation I needed to let them all go. I had to fly in, and no one would even host me. I didn’t have funds for a hotel and was lucky that a childhood friend still lived in the area and happened to be free to take me to the memorial the day of.
You hit the nail on the head. Bang on
@@thenameiswater2921 I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that and the loss of your brother. For whatever it’s worth, I’m proud of you
She relays her entire story in the exact same way one would describe being rear-ended by a drunk driver. She wants us to believe that suddenly and without warning her selfish daughter derailed their lives with her poor decision-making and lack of concern for others, while they just sat back and helplessly tried to do the right thing and pick up the pieces of all the damage she caused them. She seems more concerned with convincing everyone else she is not at fault and not at all concerned with understanding her daughter's point of view or wanting to repair the relationship.
I think it’s contrived. It’s an act or a show for views and $$$$.
The mom's video is a curated control of the narrative. Showing her drinking coffee, staring out the window in faux contemplation? It is a willful, vindictive, and manipulating tactic to emotionally trigger and smear her daughter. Anyone raised by a toxic Cluster B parent or who comes from an NPD family system will see right through this snow job. It is intentional to "punish" the daughter for daring to have boundaries. I'd say the mother was horrific to live with.
Diane's video is such a performance. The sorrowful, dramatic music in the background, the pitiful looks and frowns while staring wistfully, the pointed editing of the letter, all of it.
@@aphreyst4551 exactly
Mom is cluster B and a clueless one at that. Putting a video aimed at shaming and manipulating their own daughter to come crawling back like a dog so you could abuse her in person. So loving! The smiling while saying things about her daughter to shame her. It's just creepy. Mom has a sadistic streak. Unless they find a cure, daughter should stay as far away as possible.
@@justtired123 100% spot on. They only get worse with age. Cluster Bs are mostly treatment-resistant. My mum is a sociopath with a sadistic streak as well, so I absolutely recognise the mum here. NC!!
Yes I agree the tone was so wrong... the worst part was her big smile throughout much of the video.
Anyone else seeing a covert narcissist?
A full blown malevolent one
With bells and whistles!
Yes! A replica of my mother.
Unmistakable
no.
There’s such a focus on having babies, but nobody wants to put any effort into learning how to be a parent.
Strings attached means transactional love. Nothing is offered without extracting a fee. You never know what it’s going to cost you.
'the letter was mostly about politics which is weird because l'm not political at all, so why does she go no contact over politics'. 2 sentences later 'I made my niece contact her after her going no contact and she blocked her, which is weird because their politics align'. I mean, what does that tell you, lady? That maybe it isn't really just about politics?
It was Ted's sister - her aunt - but your point stands. Like Diane, you grasp that doesn't make sense and then do nothing with the thought. Typical willful ignorance and ignoring/dismissing anything that doesn't fit their narrative.
The text floating on the screen while the voice actor in a mocking childish voice reads something about gaslighting and not validating emotions, the video is a master class on gaslighting and not validating her emotions. No self-awareness or accountability. You don’t even have to agree to validate, you just have to care more about their feelings and your relationship than your ego.
That part made me laugh so hard at her. Politics is the low-hanging fruit of scapegoats for "why they don't like me", but it is almost never about that.
Why did the daughter make it mostly about politics then?
@sandybeveridge5692 lol, you're taking the word of the narcissist mommy of the year who made a whole damn smear campaign online because her daughter (rightfully) doesn't want to talk to her as gospel??? 🤣
Surely, the woman who just can't fathom why her disrespectful, dismissive butt got disowned would NEVER lie on the internet for victim points.... Sure, buddy.
What a piece of work.
This mother shows all the red flags for toxic parents.
She's still trying to control her daughter by cyber stalking, being derisive about her daughter's online content and making her little guilt trip vlog as showing her self up on line trying to shame her daughter in to contact.
This is manipulation and emotional blackmail and I really hope the daughter has seen it and laughed her ass off as it's a spectacular example of ALL her mother's tactics.
She totally disrespects her daughter's final survival boundary so I'd say she's never respected any boundaries her daughter has put forth.
She has no empathy what so ever and feels she is entitled to unconditional love from a child she blatantly medically and emotionally neglected.
Her daughter is not quite 30 and I'd put money on the fact that school picked up on her issues but this family didn't give a toss.
I should imagine the daughter was ridiculed, shamed and criticised for her problems and infantilised to a point that she stopped communicating all together but was given 0 care and understanding.
Daughter has employed grey rocking so clearly has a therapist who is helping her cope with her 'blameless' parents. The parents try to make her out to be terrible but you reap what you sew.
I am glad this child didn't completely loose all self respect and had the strength to cut these people off because the alternative is mental breakdown and suicide.
Also, blaming Female Autism Masking for her parents 'not knowing' is outright BS as when you care about someone you can see them.
Blaming FAM is also epically counter productive and lazy on the part of any therapist.
And now on to Forgiveness. It's really easy to forgive your self when you're a total narcissist who has never 'done a days wrong or ever hurt anyone.'
Children crave their parents love, support and pride, they don't go no contact easily even when horrifically abused.
modern children having the internet as an initial resource so they can learn to spot red flags is all for the good and 27% of them going no contact just proves how much parents think they can get away with and how much they have been getting away with historically.
I agree with everything you say except to say that it’s easy to miss neurodivergence in girls- I missed my daughter’s ADHD as I didn’t know what to look for. Now I know what it looks like in girls, I’m quick to spot it in my students.
The fact that so many women get diagnosed with ASD/ADHD these days is testament to it being hard to see sometimes. ☺️
Well written.
Daughter: I’m leaving because you support a r a c I s t, grapist, SA predator of over 25 people, a misogynist, thief, liar, homophobe, transphobe and criminal.
Diane: I have no idea why she left.
Also the Father is very culpable here. Sharing the same sentiment as his wife
@@EH23831 how can it be hard to see?
@@EH23831yeah it’s not hard to see. It was obvious. Adults were not adequately informed and children suffered immensely. No excuses.
@@iamz_mbie each child presents differently and girls’ ADHD can look different to boys’ presentations. If you are looking for the boys’ presentation, you can miss what it looks like in girls. Also, girls can mask their symptoms as they are more eager to please the adults around them.
It is the smirking that gives it away.
She cries and it’s so fake.
OMG, thank you. I thought I was the only one thinking that.
She is so gleeful in hurting her daughter
Duper's delight. When you stop giving a rat's ass about a narcissist's feelings (since they're incapable of caring about anyone else other than themselves), it's so freeing, and you get satisfaction and second-hand embarrassment from the narcissistic meltdown that follows 😂
@@genesisartek1844 100%.Spot on
editing a video together in the way that she's done is not simple. it takes a lot of work and planning. planning shots, finding sound effects, finding stock video, etc. that's not something you do while under emotional duress. the fact that she specifically calls out her daughter not wishing her a happy birthday was the bright red flag of narcissism for me. a narcissist cannot stand for people to not acknowledge "their" day. and the whole video then takes on a new context. this was a coldly produced video made from an entirely center-viewing perspective, and made with considerable effort and care to make that center-view the spotlight.
As a child with narcissistic parents, I spent my ENTIRE childhood, adolescence, and adulthood asking myself “what can I change to make this relationship work? What’s wrong with me that my parents can’t love me as I am, and how do I change to make them love me.” Children of narcissists bend over backwards in desperate attempts to feel accepted by them. I’ve gone no contact with my parents three separate times, not to punish them, but to restore my own sense of self. The enmeshment of child/narcissistic parents is real, and makes it so hard to be our authentic selves.
My husband just got an autism diagnosis at age 37 and never felt understood by his parents. They put their heads in the sand and ignored all his symptoms. It’s hard to have genuine relationships with people who impose their view of who you are or should be onto you and refuse to acknowledge that you’re a person they have to get to know, not mold into what they want. This mom sounds like such a narcissist and could be autistic as well. I know my father and father-in-law are autistic, but neither have a diagnosis so they think what they’re experiencing is “normal.” The “aut” in autism means “self” and this can often look a lot like narcissism without accurate diagnoses. There often isn’t ill will intended, but their mind blindness and alexithymia prevent them from being able to fully understand other people and empathize with them. That would also explain why this mother can’t even imagine why in the world her daughter would go no contact. Her brain doesn’t allow her to be able to do that so she thinks she’s the victim. All she knows is her own experience. It’s also like pulling teeth to have conversations with narcissistic or autistic parents. They lecture instead of listen, and act like martyrs or victims when the child expresses concern about how they’re being treated. All I ever got was excuses, explanations, and more of the same gaslighting whenever I tried to bring up issues with my parents. It’s futile. They don’t even try to understand. It’s also not a coincidence that all this happens when the child is between age 20-30 and the parents are 50-60. Our adult brains are finally fully developing and their brains are losing plasticity and becoming more rigid. A recipe for disaster.
Thought exactly the same. Maybe the mother will find out, too.
Why do you say she is a narcissist?
Hi - please be very careful, since comparing autism to narcissism can be very harmful to those of us who are autistic, especially by saying we can’t empathize (we DO empathize - just in a different way than neurotypicals, and it completely flabbergasts us that neurotypicals think we can’t). I know it’s not your intention at all, but please be aware that comparisons like that can put us in harm’s way.
Here’s a great video by an expert on narcissism for how it’s different than autism: ruclips.net/video/XEDda93M_mg/видео.htmlsi=Hjzf-dhv9D_j4YAO
@@rebeccarittenhouse2203 The fact that a child is forced to think, "how do I change to make them love me" is not enough of a clue? Why do YOU need convincing anyway? Why should anyone be obligated to prove their abuse to you?
@@ClockworkMan13 when people put these one sided stories out there for everyone to read why should it surprise you or anyone else that someone would speak for the other side that gets no say. Why do i have to believe what this person says because they claim to be a victim. Every child feels things differently, you can have 5 children and all of them will feel different about the same experience. Adults really need to get the ef over the supposed injustice of their parents not understanding them. Its like parents now have to be perfect or they don’t deserve their children’s respect and love. How is that right.
She watched videos to figure out what was going on???….and yet her daughter wrote her an entire letter explaining her feelings. This woman is truly insufferable and massively triggering. I hope the daughter finds peace.
Yeah. I'm going to do anything BUT actually take in what my daughter wrote...
Probably the mom didnt think the letter made sense.
Do everything BUT listen to her daughters own words...
@@helenestiernstrand6575 Unlikely, she seems like a smart woman. And we would have been able to make that determination ourselves had she actually read us the letter but she didn’t. She even had a voice actor read it in a childlike voice and garbled up the words because she doesn’t think what her daughter says is important. The definition of invalidation and dismissal.
@@helenestiernstrand6575 then she could have asked questions and started a conversation instead of choosing to see it as a “one off angry outburst”.
She had no problem disclosing her daughter’s name and diagnosis to the world but she chose to not give a single insight into what the daughter said in that letter.
She completely dismissed the letter. Her daughter laid out her problems, and the mother just dismissed it. She only replied after a year, and even then it didn’t sound like she actually replied to the contents of the letter.
She only skimmed a book on healing estrangement, and didn’t like its suggestion about being contrite. It sounds like she cares more about being right than she cares about healing the rift with her daughter.
When the mom was all like, "I couldn't finish it because it put all the work on the parent", I knew the mom wasn't going to actually learn how to fix it.