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Thank you so much, Jerry.🙂 Very clear and concise. Although my parents weren't narcissists, they were absent a lot (my dad due to work) and very demanding, strict but loving. I do have a few of those traits you name. Have changed with time and due to terrible life experiences. Adapting is key.👌 I'll follow more of your advice. 🙏
I used to be the same way. I discovered it was all in the planning. I have to take time to develop a detailed plan and then step back and treat it as though it were someone else's plan.
I’ve seen those traits in my friend also… you are NOT invisible… you matter and are desperately need in this world! Please let your light shine through…today you’re strong!❤️🔥💪
I have never forgotten one detail of a family Thanksgiving dinner with my grown family, plus my 3 brothers and their kids, at my Mother’s home (Father had died). We were having laughing banter back & forth nonsense, having a good time, when I added that we knew our 10 yr younger brother was our parent’s favourite. Everyone was laughing when our Mother exploded with raging venom AT ME, screaming that it was because I was ‘just horrible! I had always been horrible!’ The table was stunned into silence. My sons never had any connection with her after that.
1. Apology reflex. 0:49 2. Avoidance of eye contact in arguments. 1:47 3. Selective mutism in groups. 2:18 4. Over explanation of simple decisions. 3:54 5. Being the fixer all the time. 4:50 6. Setting boundaries too late or not at all. 5:48 7. Getting easily reactive. 7:08 8. Feeling small or inflated. 8:10 9. Never operating from their true self. 9:50
Yep just confirms that my SIL is the narcissist and has alienated both her parents. She exhibits NONE of these symptoms yet claims her mom is the narcissist. Ha!!!! Thank you for posting this. She’s been a toxic addition to our family since day one and has manipulated my brother into distancing himself from his own family. She’s pure evil.
That reminds me of a moment when I was 12-13 years old, when I got hit by a car. Woman came down the road, me on a bicycle...Nothing was broken, maybe bruises I don't remember, because me idiot went to the front of her car and ask her if the car is ok 🤦♂🤦♂(Yes, I actually said that!). I also don't remember if I apologised. Shortly after I found out that this woman paid a substantial amount of money to my parents as a compensation. I never saw that money, neither did they told me. I heard that from somewhere else some time later when my mother died. Now at almost 40, I recall certain things/events that I see completely differently and how all their behaviour leads to narcissism of my father. My mother was most likely his victim. She passed away from cancer at 44 years old and my father accused me of being guilty of her death. I was around 14-15 years old and to this day these words echoing in my head. + a lot of other nasty things that he made. P.s.: No need for apology to objects 😉😁 I wish you all good 👋
OH MY GOSH!!! Over explaining simple decisions is a big one for me. I feel like I have to deliver a PhD thesis when someone asks me anything even the slightest bit personal
Example: I will be taking leave from my military service to visit a friend, and whenever he calls me about it, I immediately dissolve (that’s the word) into explain every detail, reassuring that I don’t want to be a burden, trying to remove some of his anticipation and an endless series of nonsense quite frankly, when he probably just wants to know the plan.
My son started asking me why I explain myself all the time; every little thing: it was making him crazy. I'd never noticed I did this till that moment. That was many years ago and I continue to work on Not doing it anymore.
Same. I had to fight this impulse today. A friend invited me to dinner, and I want to enjoy the rest of my weekend without any commitments/catch up on some things at home. In past times I would say "why" I declined, today I just said, "I have plans" and suggested another day. 🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️
I this was excellent. I participated in a Friedman family systems group for clergy for over twenty years, and one would think I would have all of this nailed by now. We use to say the concepts are “slippery” and easy to forget when doing self-work. I think this is true for me.
In school, I always felt insignificant & not worthy of friendship with the popular kids. I felt the teachers disliked me or didn’t even notice me. I was being beaten at home & screamed at daily, then had to go to school & hide all the bruises & hide my feelings of complete anguish. While the other kids were getting loving attention & had nice clothes to wear to school. I worked & bought my own clothes. I wasn’t as fashionable nor did I have much. I had a couple pair of jeans & concert t-shirts mostly. I was embarrassed by how I looked, even though I was a cute girl. My parents never protected me from anything. I was on my own largely. This has affected me my whole life.
Please know that Father God dearly loves you. He created you and kept you alive despite abuse you endured. Grasping the love of Jesus and that I am a beloved daughter of God has adopted me!
I so recognise and remember that pattern of behaviour... Unfortunately, the myth perpetuated in one's head that you're unpopular, makes one be different and also behave differently, which in turn (sometimes, although, certainly not always), makes one unpopular. Catch 22!
I ended up having back problems because I was not consciously aware I was doing it. I had to put a broom stick across my back/shoulders to stretch out the opposite way. Once I was alone of course...
Same here. I am now the bad guy, but it’s a good thing, I have no drama in my life, it’s great, once I got used to no drama, Otis addictive but you hate it, let it go.
I learned from a young age to not take care of myself. Im an adult and struggle not feeling like it's a waste of time and selfish to give myself self care.
Yes, I have a hard time taking care of my surroundings. If there's another person around, the house is spotless. If it's just me.. a bomb went off by the looks of things. I don't even NOTICE it :(
I used to get breathless speaking trying to get every thought out as quickly and concisely as possible, since in the family home I'd only have a few seconds before the parent either got up and left the room, or started a different conversation with someone else.
Me too... 😢 And: speaking often with a tone of voice too low, almost as if you wanted to say something but you didn't really want (fear of being completely ignored, dismissed)
I developed the bad habit of talking over people; my family of origin all do, because rarely could anyone get in a word edgewise with the narcissists dominating conversations and of COURSE they were quick to project and accuse of the same.
Oh yes. So dismissive . The dinner table was the worst for getting ignored, interrupted or humiliated if I ever tried to express an opinion or open my mouth. I developed really bad asthma at age 11.
I thought talking over people was normal conversation 🤔 never even thought it was rude...mind blowing the stuff we do that we thought it was thought was normal...
I am 63. I know I am an adult child of a narcissistic mother. I am all of these traits. My mother is 91 now, and I am still living this. Luckily, I can support myself. And I see her on my time.
I hear you. I’m 67, NPD mother died 5 years ago. I’ve never been happier or more at peace. The damage doesn’t stop until they’re gone. Seeing her when YOU want to is the only way…..YOU set the rules! Good for you ❤
58 here, same situation. I just had her here a while, and had a rude shock when I realised how manipulative she is. I knew there was some of that, but not quite how bad it was. Now I am trying to figure out how this might have affected me through the years, and back out of it. Not easy.
Going NO CONTACT was the only thing that saved my sanity . I had siblings that also felt they were my superiors by constantly trying to dominate , insult and manipulate . Leaving these people and their small thinking and endless drama is best left in the rear view mirror .
my mum and dad were, so every close friend or relationship i stayed in was the same, i near had a breakdown and was still blaming myself, its maddening, thank god for all this information or it would have never ended or it would have ended me
Wow, I can relate, I just lost everything in Hurricane Helene, and my sister let me stay in her spare bedroom. She did that to me for one week. My brother told me to come up to his house in Rainbow Springs, I did and it’s the same thing. I feel like the bad child and my older sister kept it up and now he is, why? I want to run away, but where? I have no where to go. I see the pattern. I’m still the bad crazy kid. My heart hurts.
BINGO! That's what saved my own sanity; now that they've both kicked off, I've been ELATED! I no longer feel the need to worry about what people think of me because I never knew what lies my mother had told them about me. The woman was pure evil!
Hyper vigilant to any mood changes. The mood changes are always met with a severe consequence. Screaming, stonewalling, shaming, dismissing…the pendulum swings were wide and unpredictable. Now I know to just keep my boundaries and focus on healing ❤️🩹 and God.
I ticked all of these at one point, plus another one: Difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback. Spiritual guidance and learning how to pay attention to my reactions during challenging situations has tremendously helped me overcome most of these during the past decade, and I learned not to be a victim but to embrace my past as a learning opportunity for a positive future.
Yes, being mindful is an eye opener. It has also made me aware that the problem is more common than I realised. I count my blessings and question more now to drill down the facts. "Can I help you?" has disarmed a few tensions in the past :)
@donnainsc3308 Yes! I have a really hard time whenever someone says something nice to me. Someone once told me to just say thank you! Easy to say, hard to leave it at that. I just figure they want to buy whatever I'm wearing and the compliment isn't really for me. Here I am over-explaining! 😅 Anyway, if you really are in SC, my best friend used to live in Greenville. Beautiful place with some of the most welcoming people I've ever met. Hope you and your family are safe and well.
I was an over-apologizer. My husband brought this to my attention shortly after we were married and helped me figure out why. I was able to stop then. I was also an over-explainer, but my husband helped me there too.
I was afraid to talk to strangers because I go anxiety. I think I was afraid they're judging me and getting ready to attack me because that's how my parents treated me. My narcissistic mother could go into rage over the most ridiculous things.
I'm happy for you. I had an ex-boyfriend who helped me open up more. I distanced myself from him because I wanted to distance myself from my family at the same time. Today I live with a partner who also helps me Freeing myself from ghosts
Same here. I’m 40. Apparently, I owe them as if I had willed myself into existence and making them take care of me afterwards when I was a defenseless child. I help them financially and it’s still not enough. I have been no contact for two months. I’m trying to see something.🤷🏾♀️
The week after I turned 50, I asked them to stop calling me sensitive, paranoid, emotional, difficult. Well that went badly. Their defensiveNess was off the scale.
Hey, there's a good online program called, This Way Up that my Dr recommended. Its $60, but it's free if your Dr refers you. There are programs for many mental issues that arise from being raised by psychic vampires. It's all CBT-based. It may not be perfect, but it's free. Good luck.
I wish you all the best on your healing journey. I recently read Dr. Ramani's "It's Not You: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse." It's amazing, and also made for people who can't afford therapy in mind. She also published a workbook to go along with the book as well. I haven't rewritten in the workbook yet, though. Good luck!
People who fail to set boundaries tend to somehow find each other throughout life. That’s how we reach 50 with zero friends but a 30-40 year running tally of “amazing people” who aren’t around anymore.
I have another one I've observed Jerry. People are often too grateful for people being nice. So they thank people who are nice too much. Saying thank you once or twice is fine, 10 times is excessive and weird.
I know what you mean. It doesn't feel sincere when it's excessive. And now a days, some ppl are just not used to ppl being nice anymore, and they will take it as though you're being funny, or condensending. I've even gotten ppl turning against me because they thought I was being too nice. It's bizarre
I realized I needed therapy when I was hospitalized for 9 months and was apologizing for everything. For needed assistance for everything. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for not being able to get to the bathroom", that kind of thing. I'm 60 now and I still do it. It's hard.
Oh, yeah. We can never be honest with our family. The abusers save up every weakness as ammunition. The enablers reveal what we told them to the abusers to use as ammunition. No wonder we have a hard time with trust.
I have never been able to cultivate relationships with other women because of this. I grew up without knowing that it came from the fact that I couldn't trust my own mother. I discovered it in my 20's while in therapy. I had a suicide attempt and my mother berated me and then immediately told the most important members of my extended family - the people whom I loved and respected, as well as her only friends, who happened to be the mothers of women I went to school with. We lived in a small town and everyone knew. I was already deeply depressed, and she made it worse. My psychologist at the time told me that my mother wasn't trustworthy and I should be careful what I shared with her. In that moment, I realized that my mother had made me distrust women and left me unable to form friendships. I was so fearful of them using my faults, or mistakes, against me, or telling everyone else, that I stopped friendships in the early stages by pushing people away. It was an amazing ah-ha moment.
Bingo! Narc mom..absent dad, mostly- long story. Sister was the golden child, I was born to my mom @ 15..she never forgave me for it. My brother was in the way, mom let him move out @ 14 when my Dad died. I got the brunt of her rages..my brother got too big physically and my sister got her share . I was the main target. My brother committed suicide 💔. My sister is in jail for her 4th DUI. My husband passed away recently after 41years, of a TBI and a broken neck. I went back to reconnect. Big mistake! It's not changed a bit! I'm broken 💔 and I'm really wanting help.My house flooded with sewage and I was in a hotel for over a year! My cat died on the anniversary of my husband's death in September. I miss him terribly and my baby - Gucci girl. My son is military and gone. I need help with my house and I am afraid to ask. My mom is a millionaire, and doesn't even care to call me to see if I am ok!? I'm almost suicidal. 😢 Can you please help me?
The greatest offense of a narcissistic parent is their deep fear, or even envy, of their child’s growth and potential. They take advantage of being the authority figure by controlling their child’s potential. This need for control drives every interaction between the parent and the child. If the child steps outside the role imposed by the parent, they are punished-whether through passive-aggressive remarks or manufactured drama to diminish them. To cope, the child must conform to the parent's assigned role to avoid the drama. All of these mannerisms emerge out of this dynamic where the parent essentially reduces the child to a frozen image, a mere cutout, instead of allowing them to become a fully realized person.
The parents insecurities show up when their grown children date and marry as well. The parent is hurt when the child chooses someone else. They punish the grown child, the spouse, and the grandchildren.
Oh, my God!! I do all those things!! At once!! My husband once told me to stop apologising and saying "thank you" every two minutes. I replied by saying "Thank you for telling me, I'm so sorry!". It was so eye opening at that point that I just couldn't do it again without questioning myself. This was the start of me meeting myself for the first time.
Thank You❤, I’m sorry you felt you had to apologize, I feel this in my soul and I am constantly apologizing or over thanking ppl for simple simple things☹️
These issues get me bullied. Especially the hard times with boundaries. I was taught it's better to not stand up or I was being oversensitive. So when people tried to cross the line and I'd let it roll off my back, they took it for weakness and they found a cookie jar they could keep reaching into freely.
If i had to choose just 1 main emotion to describe my childhood ... I would say "I grew up in Fear" ... and the resounding mantra "Never Enough" moulding me
It was all about my abusive mother and walking on endless eggshells keeping her happy. If she was happy, I lived. She wrote me and my children off out of her life because I interrupted the music at her Christmas party. We never saw her again. My sisters always begged and pleaded for mom to take them back. I didn’t. I apologised endlessly for most of my life. I took the back seat to everyone. I felt i was always a failure even in success. Still today, that tape plays in my head.
Read the book, "Walking on eggshells." It's about interacting with someone who has borderline personality disorder. I found it very helpful. I forget the authors name. I hope it helps.
I feel this to my core. My mother has found excuses to disown two of my brothers when they were getting engaged/married. Years later I was 30 when the Lord brought me my soulmate. Knew extremely early on I would marry him. He knew even sooner than I did. We had been going out 2 months when all attempts from my mother to break us up failed and she put me to, "Him or your parents." Bear in mind I was still living with them because the constant stress was ruining my health, so I couldn't afford to leave. She disowned me (and dad went along with it) and served me an eviction notice in front of police officers (they literally were following me as I was leaving with my guy, and screamed at the neighbors to call the police), so I moved out. Within weeks she was practically begging me to come back, claiming she still wanted me to live there, but didn't weren't comfortable with him around and evicted me so they could legally keep him from coming over. I didn't fall for it. F*** them all.
@@AllThePeppermint I dont know you but the one thing i learned about narcissists is you truly do not give a $h!t about them & use them for your own means & if it should end, at least you have God.
I'm 72 and still affected!! I was the "black sheep" of the family. I couldn't do anything right. Every wrong thing was my fault. My opinions did not matter, so I kept my mouth shut. In school I was afraid to answer a question because I felt like a nobody and that I was stupid. I could go on and on. Thank you for this video.
Oh man, I feel that. Not only dealing with the crap growing up after having a horribly narcissistic ex who took the time to befriend friends of mine of 20+ yrs and turning them against me I've realized I have absolutely no friends and I mean literally none.
@poolhalljunkie9 Experiencing your true self more and more and more, will bring you good friends. Look front of you, a lot of good things are going to happen, just be convinced of it. And the ones who took their distance might open their eyes soon.
When you said "being the fixer all the time" that hit hard. What's worse, now I'm really good at things, and everyone comes to me for help. In a way, I've created my own hell. What I've figured out in therapy however is that, the hell I've created can also be what helps me, because people are often very grateful for my help and I do feel purpose, meaning and fulfillment from helping. The difficult part for me has been finding the balance.
I also think it’s about looking at truly why we feel the need to fix things. It’s so second nature for me and part of my actual job to some extent, that, I need to ask myself why I am stepping in. In my personal life outside of work, I find I have a sense of guilt and condemnation if I don’t. It’s hard for me to step back and acknowledge that someone made a choice. I can help them, but that false sense of responsibility tells me that I’m as guilty as them if I don’t step in to fix their problem. Sometimes, I believe we should step in and help. But is it every time in every situation? And does it always equate to our own sense of identity or responsibility? I don’t think so. It’s easy for me to pontificate this, but in real life I rarely question it and want to avoid the guilt and discomfort of not “doing my part.” Even when most might say I have no part in that situation. Ugh. I used to refer to it as jumping in front of other people’s trains to stop them from crashing at the bottom. Just when I thought I had overcome it, it would happen in the least likely of places. I pray God gives me (and anyone else struggling with this) true discernment and self control to do what He truly wants us to do/not do in those moments of decision. Sometimes He wants us to help and sometimes we can make things worse or deny someone what they need to do/learn. Thanks for sharing and reading this! You helped me get some of these thoughts out. I pray God helps you on your journey! 😊
Now that my mom has passed away this year, I’ve done much reflecting on how I grew up. I’m now dealing with all the feelings about acknowledging the dysfunction in my immediate family. Thank you for this video.
Whenever someone is truly nice to me I can’t handle it and often well up with tears and the lip wobbles. The apologising thing, absolutely. First 16 years with a narcissist step mother. The next 41 years with a narcissistic partner. The new guy in my life is the same way so we both burst into tears (of gratitude and joy) and hug it out 😂
I cry easily when people actually pay attention and care too! Sad I’m in therapy and this has never happened there. Most therapist intentionally obscure objective reality with their language . How does it make you feel? To have that perceived injustice. Or “your truth” went talking about objective reality. The intent is to invalidate you’re noticing the psychopaths and narcs in society
Yep. My big problem too. I suffered in the army as they teased me a lot about it. It kind of made me realize how bad it was and that I had to fix this, but I had no idea it came from my weird parents and upbringing. Making sense of it helps so much better.
My current therapist pointed out that the language I use is largely not born of being a narcissist but learning this language from my family. That he could tell the difference meant the world to me.
Having a mental health disorder isn't "being crazy," it's having a set of symptoms that are maladaptive and make life difficult. Most people do not have the fear of judgment and related symptoms that make up the symptoms of a social anxiety disorder. And those symptoms can be eased and treated so that the person with those symptoms can behave and function more similarly to people who are not struggling. A disorder isn't a cause, but a description of symptoms that are related. If you are unbothered by your feelings and they cause you no grief nor stress in your life (nor to others in your life,) then you don't have a disorder. But if these feelings disrupt your life and cause you stress, then that can reach the level of disorder. These things can be treated to be less disruptive or even completely mitigated. It's not a shameful thing, but it is a real thing. Those thoughts and behaviors and responses don't need to be present, and the majority of people don't experience them which is why life is easier for them in that respect. There is no "normal" when it comes to people, but we can assess what most experience and what most don't; what causes disruption to people's goals and daily living, and what doesn't. If you prefer to live with the feelings that could be diagnosed as an anxiety disorder, by all means that's your right. But most people would prefer not to, which is why treatments have been developed. Also, just because something is a natural and expected consequence of an experience doesn't mean the outcome isn't still a disorder. Social anxiety is a natural consequence of being raised in certain environments. PTSD is the expected outcome of many traumatic experiences, but is badly disruptive to people's lives and thus people benefit from treatment. Swelling, soreness, and limping is the expected outcome of fracturing an ankle, but people still benefit from treatment beyond their body's natural responses.
Thankful that when I grew up, at least the internet was not around. These poor kids now are humiliated not just to family, friends and colleagues, but across the whole wide world. Their parents have no roadblocks.
I feel guilty for breathing. My mother did a number on me. Now I’m a neurotic 50 yr old. No matter how much therapy I do I still feel worthless. Its a vicious cycle. Im so over this earth quite frankly.
I feel you, i am at the same point as you are. It feels i have nothing good anymore to expect from the world and life. I feel guilty as well all the time for existing and its hard to get a sense of self worth..
Diane! Stop! ......it's been mentioned a few times, but "no contact" is the ONLY way forward. I hear you, my mother did the exact same, my father too. As the first child, far from perfect these two heinous individuals made me wish I'd never been born. I'm 63 now ( four mental health breakdowns with hospitalization behind me) and I have nothing to do with my one remaining parent. I'm free, please Diane - free yourself. You owe her "JACK"!!! (as an American like Jerry might say🤗)
Yes. The over explanation of simple choices. That was one of the first things i noticed about myself that made me realize something really bad had happened to me
I had family members refer to my overexplanations as “spiraling” or in text they’d add “I’m not going read all this. You sound/are acting crazy.” I still feel shamed simply explaining things... or even talking at all around my father’s friends.
Narcissistic mother enabler mostly absent father and grandiose narcissist brother and enabler brother all found ways to emotionally abuse me. Couldn't afford to leave them until marriage. To a covert narcissist. He expects me to explain every move I make and accuses me of always disagreeing with him if I dare to have my own opinions. I'm 71 and trying to escape. In therapy since 1968. Married since 1983. Hoping to expatriate to Portugal in the next 6 months
Thank you for this information. I took me year's to recognize my father was a total control freak. As an only child it made my situation worse. Eventually leaving to live halfway round the world. At age eighty l am still learning to be me.
Good for you. I’m also an only child, 67 years of age. Once you know their game plan you can hopefully be one step ahead but it’s still difficult. Wishing you well. ❤
Always explaining ourselves . . . Truth. I've had ppl ask me why I'm always explaining myself. I've cut back on it, curbed it but, yes, we do this. Now, when someone tries to make me explain myself I don't and I recognize them for controlling individuals and cut them out of my life. I don't need it.
I'm trying not to do it in front of my toxic siblings and giving them ammo but the damn habit/propulsion is so hard to control. Always regret it after it happened. 😕 A inner part of me kept hoping that they'll understand but in reality, im just putting myself in a vulnerable position. Fk me.
@@RonLarhz No worries. I just did it again while talking to my toxic relative. I know what I said will get all scrambled around and turned against me but in the moment, I didn't think about it. I look at it this way. I no longer care what that toxic person thinks or what the toxic ppl 'they' will talk to about it think. It's all good hon. Disconnect the giving a damn what they say or do. Get them at arms length from your life so they can't interfere in your life and it will all be better. I moved hundreds of miles away from toxic 'city' years ago.
I understand being careful, but cutting out anyone who wants you to explain yourself ever sounds too extreme. It's natural that some people will want you to explain yourself.
I have a lot of anger and rage. I’m 46 and I don’t think I act right. It’s like I don’t know how to be normal. I’m mad my youth was ruined and I can’t have a redo the way I want.
Suggest as a good healing step to get into your body. Work out, get outdoors and in touch with nature. Will make you feel better and hopeful. Can't hurt.
Study dysregulatiion & how to process emotion safely so you can respond not react. The Crappy Childhood Fairy has a helpful channel plus courses & books on this topic
I'm the same. Am working to process anger but belittling this feeling is another denial! Some life has been lost, I think it's honest to admit that rather than just saying that we have our future. Of course we do, but this doesn't erase the abuse and the fact it takes a lifetime to recover
Recently, I had to repent for my anger. Had to.. it had done so much damage. Was able to look at it for what it was. I was horrified. Yes, it was necessary that I ask God for forgiveness for my anger! That may sound crazy.. asking forgiveness for being angry about the abuses I've suffered, but I did, and it's changed everything.
I wish I could be in counseling with this counselor. It's comforting just to know somebody recognizes the problems that I personally have because of my life affected by a narcissistic mother.
Yes! And if you do splurge on $30 Walmart shoes (yes, for me that's a splurge) because you finally told yourself that no, shoes with a million holes falling apart and making your feet hurt ARE NOT "still good," feeling like you have to justify it to yourself and anyone else.
Another weird mannerism of adult children of Narcissistic parents is the inability to see oneself. I struggle to truly have a sense of myself. It’s as if I look into a mirror and there’s no reflection.
Mirror moments is when I realize I’ve really been through some hard core mistreatment. Like, being raised in it I couldn’t really see the abuse for what it was because I couldn’t “see myself”
I have never felt so seen in all my life. I have done all of these things as a result of a narcisstic parent. Im 53 now, a full-time college student, trying to heal and thrive. I had to move to a different state. Let me tell you though, when i stepped off that Greyhound bus, i experienced the most liberating feeling because i could finally be myself,no one in my.new city had ever seen me before or knew a thing about me. That eas was a profound moment for me.
@@RICHARD-mn3nd honestly so was I. I expected the typical general broad net to get clicks but almost every trait was dead on. Kind of nice knowing there's a ton of other messed up people just like you.
Excellent video. I identified wth almost all of these. Silence in groups really hit home. As a young person, narc parent would scream at me in the car going home if I said something she didn't like. It was safer to stay silent and avoid the wrath. This behavior has stayed with me my whole life. Thank you for sharing this information.
It got awfully quiet in the car going home from a meeting when I told three good colleagues that that was an expected thing when I grew up. The post-event berating in the car. I still can’t properly relax at events or in the car going home. I only relax once I’m safely home.
Yes, I was bullied by my entire family and silenced, always silenced. I hardly say anything to anyone. But something changed during the isolation of covid -- when everyone re-emerged I found I started talking a lot. But it doesn't matter or no one listens!
So much silence - to keep out of the way, to keep emotions down, to keep your head down and stop fighting the family system. Just to keep the peace. Just to not become the next target. Just to shut up and pretend everything is fine until you can get out. No wonder years of silence like this can build up...
My ex narc used to fight in the car when we came back from gatherings or whatsoever... I always did/said something wrong... at the end I would invent excuses not to go... bingo! He excluded me from social gatherings!
I was always so afraid each day in at the beginning of school when I only had to answer "Here " when roll was called. Even now thinking of how fearful I was, I am tensing up. Now at 67 years old I can begin to understand why. Thank you for so clearly explain ing this!
I grew up with a terrible fear inside of me of being scolded, punished, or hit, and that's why I go around apologizing to everyone so that they don't hurt me.
I am 60 now… a lifetime with these characteristics and I thought it was “just me”: 3:30 Always wanted to be invisible. 4:20 Always justify everything even to my wife 5:00 Always a fixer even for complete strangers 6:00 Ineffectual boundaries and zero boundaries definitely me 7:00 overreacting and hypersensitive 100% me 8:15 yep: insignificance, self-disgust, wish to disappear, worthlessness 9:57 no sense of self + people-pleasing - “who am I” - I am terribly exhausted. I finally got away and subverted the superself to some extent … no contact but the damage is done.
Thank you so much . This presentation is the best ever. AS for taking your course, it's a little late for me due to age. I'm in my 70's & always was a little puzzled. Thank you so much. And best wishes with those who could really benefit.
@@yellowrose9355 That's a belief that is not matched by other people's experiences. I have heard folks in their eighties getting healed from trauma and getting free from their past. It is NEVER too late. All the best! 🙏🌺
Though I was in talk therapy for decades prior, I didn't get real healing until I changed MH providers at age 58 after my last hospitalization. I found out that day that I'm a complex trauma survivor which aggravates my major mood disorder as well as exacerbates my neurodivergence, & with that new understanding, began receiving trauma-informed therapy. On that day, I finally felt heard for the first time about my emotional struggles. I've now been receiving that therapy for 8.5 years, & my life has changed dramatically for the better. I'm finally finding peace. At my age now (upper 60s), there are many experiences I've not had that most take for granted, but in discovering my true identity as an artivist, I have my own unique path to follow, that I believe fulfills my soul's true purpose. I just hope & pray the USA will remain constitutionally intact so that I may have the chance to bring my goals to fruition
All of them...😢 especially being the fixer and setting boundaries... even today... I'm naturally a giver but have been so unfair to myself, I've always put others' needs first
@@Lisboooa It's how I feel, probably a common experience... I genuinely wanted to help everyone, believing we are all essentially good. How naive I was. Apart from that, I wish I gave myself even 1/10 of what I gave others in terms of love and support, both emotional and financial. I really came last
I can't take compliments. I react to compliments and insults exactly the same, that is I don't react at all. One day my boss's boss pulled me into a private room to compliment me for paying attention to detail etc. etc. and he thought I should apply for a management position, and I just stared at him. I could see he regretted asking me in about three seconds flat. Humiliating, but my behavior is locked in. Can't help it. I'm wired so hard to avoid belittlement I'll throw out the compliments too maybe for fear that they're fake compliments that'll turn into what they really are.
I just make excuses. It wasn't just me, it was no big deal, whatever. My real friends tell me to accept the compliment, and I stop and just say thank you. It's still really uncomfortable.
I've experienced every one of these traits, and my heightened emotions always seem to get turned against me. I usually bottle everything up to keep the peace, but when they push me to the edge, I explode, making me seem exactly like the person they portray me as. Words never seem to help, and I end up reinforcing their narrative. I’m at the point where I can't keep holding it all in anymore. I've been dissociating just to cope, but now I’m trying to reclaim my life, despite how they see me. It feels like I'm in a constant loop of grieving my lost childhood.
I feel you! your words could be mine. It took me a long time though to understand all my problems were due to my childhood. i always thought i was defective and couldnt do anything right and kinda accepted it as my fate.
I so relate to this. For me the hardest lesson I've learned has been to get narcissists out of my life to stop the cycle, and it's amazing how many narcissists you can collect as you go through life. Having few friends, partners, relatives feels better than being trapped in that endless loop of narcissist abuse, even when you love the narcissist.
Jerry, you just delivered more useful information, in only a few minutes, then I've heard in 100's of hours in a psychologists office. Thank you so much. I'll be back. You really get it. Thank you.❤
I came to the realization that apologizing so much was hindering me. I finally started saying "I am sad that happened" or "Sad to hear it" but now only say sorry for things that were only due to my direct involvement.
I have lived this for over 60 years. If you keep numb, you can handle the hurt. I have found a phrase to help me with this pattern. You can't feel the JOY if I don't feel the PAIN.
1:36 this touched such a nerve.... I remember saying I'm sorry to a door once, and only realizing the stupidity of it, because it happened in a friend's house and everyone started laughing, and telling me stop apologizing for everything.
I feel that! And the constant loop of apologizing for being so apologetic. After growing into it it just is second nature and a reflex which is so hard to get the upper hand of. I wish you all the best for your journey. Take the time you need to heal and grow ❤.
the narcissistic mothers are far worse than narcissistic fathers, because the n. mothers make you feel sorry for everything, even though they are the cause of all the issues.
Thank you, this video explains a lot. I do all of these things. My narcissist mother has labeled me as an "undiagnostic person with autism" despite her never taking me to any doctors or doing anything to diagnose this in my childhood. This is because I do things like avoiding eye contact and not speaking up in group settings (out of fear of judgment). This label she made up has been used as part of her minimization and scapegoating for years. While I have nothing but respect regarding those with autism all of my research shows that it doesn't fit who I am or how I think, but the reasons said in this video about these mannerisms being a product of my childhood abuse fit perfectly.
My mother was convinced that I was bipolar to the point that I started believing maybe it was true so I attended a bipolar group wherein it was apparent that I didn't belong. Weird
My mother said I was just like my dead uncle. He had a complete breakdown and died because of his abusive childhood. I developed the same traits because of my father (his brother) and my mother's style of horrible parenting. I then ended up having a breakdown 3 decades ago but I survived and went on to higher education (she then denegrated that!). My parents had awful childhoods but that's no excuse.
You have a lot of self-awareness and you may not have it. Such labels are cruel. They labeled me as awkward, skinny, unathletic, clumsy, can't sing, etc., etc. It is no wonder we all have problems. I hope you get some help here with Jerry. He knows a lot. Maybe he can point you in the right direction. It is essential you individuate from your Mom and your family. Be your own person and break free of labels.
# 1: They over apologize. Or have an apology reflex. #2: Avoidance of eye contact during arguments. #3: Selective mutism when in groups. #4:Over explanation for every day decisions. Having to overly justify to others for every decision you make. #5: Being the fixer all the time. Having to be the mediator in every group. The therapist for others. #6: Setting boundaries too late..or not at all. #7: Getting easily reactive. Hypersensitivity of emotions. #8:Feeling either small or inflated..as a coping mechanism #9: Never operating from your true self. Their sense of identity may be overshadowed by their need to conform..leaving them unsure of their own beliefs or values ( being an approval junkie).
I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions unless it was only happy. If I cried I was shamed including having a parent taking a picture of me with the parents saying how shellfish I am as I’m ruining everyone’s time. Trying to be heard and trying to join in the conversation, my Family would speak over me, laugh as they prevented me from speaking-being in my 50’s, it’s the same with my adult siblings. I started noticing it in friends. This is when I took charge and spoke with authority over myself that I have the right to take up space. I am of worth. I’d rather be alone than to take that abuse from anyone.
And not only do I over explain, developed an exceptional memory to assist in the over explaining for protection. parents would just be smirk as I spoke.
Me too, I hope all of us affected by this get the chance to heal from this. I know I'm just a random stranger on the Internet but I will wish you all the best and hope you find peace one day.
An adult child of narcissistic parents here. I feel sorry for them because they, too, were raised in emotionally unhealthy environments and they did the best they could. Thankfully I was given important tools with all the info available up to today which allowed me to become a better parent myself. Keep fighting for what and who you were meant to be.
I was always the fixer and therapist starting at the age 7 for my immature parents. They would get into these huge destructive arguments which I had no business being a part of. At that age, all I knew was I didn’t wanted my parents to breakup. Now I realize it would have been the best thing. They are in their eighties now and crazier than ever. I am no contact for years. My health is better and I have sanity. I’ve learned from them how not to be, which was the only positive of being with them!
@mariadaquila7587 You described my life to a tee! My parents got married out of societal and financial convenience and it was the worst-thing. They gaslight themselves that they are a good match because they have "similar values" (being that they both come from similar socio-economical backgrounds). What they really mean is that they have similar insecurities -- both anxious, both codependent, both insecure which makes each other a convenient partner. They are quite out of touch from each other (and also with themselves in what they truly wanted) but sticked together because they both were not self-actualized and neither had agency. To me similar values are when you can empathize with someone you love, you know are attuned to their needs/likes/dislikes, and they are also attune to you. Not in my family, which was the reason why they argued like how you described. I kept inserting myself in the middle to sooth things over, but it barely made a difference. I was the only child in the family and would get caught in these crossfires, and I was already emotionally neglected by them as it is. I went No Contact with them 5 years ago. Looking back, I think their arguments were based on a lot of truths but both of them were too lazy to take it seriously and kept dismissing it. Yet they argued over the same thing over and over (which is a sign that they never evolved), and I'm sure inter 60s/70s now, they continue to do this. I'm just finally spared of it!
I relate to being the adult from a very young age. It always seemed as though if someone didn’t bring some sanity to the situation, the whole thing would careen over the edge taking all of us down. Too bad it had to be us babes. I don’t realize it all the time, but it makes sense why I am always analyzing and calling out the risks at work. It is part of my job to some extent but it is always there even when no one asks, and I’m trying to use that skill in a positive way. It took a long time to let go of feeling like I had to save the company, but over many years I have learned that people will make their choices. If I warn them and they don’t heed it, I don’t get bitter or vengeful. I try to compassionately help resolve the issue within my appropriate boundaries. In my personal life, I struggle hard! lol. Wish I could transfer it to matters of the heart better. I’m a work in progress and God helps me😊 I pray for you and your parents. God bless you!
@@Jennifer-b4e the positive out of all of this is that we can see ourselves for who we are and transcend the sins of our parents. Even though it’s taken me a while, I’ve learned to keep calm. It really is sad that as babes we went through this, but I really think it has made us stronger and better. God Bless you, too😊
Ruminating after every social event! When should I have kept quiet? When should I have spoken up? What do I regret saying or not saying? How should I have behaved differently so that it would have been perfect?
I should add, we act this way, not because we are still actively thinking this way, it’s because our bodies and brains have stored these pathways/behaviors. For me, I was raised by many narcissistic/neurotic sisters and brothers, I had not “one” reliable consistent caregiver. And there was a gap of eight years (and two miscarriages) before I was born the youngest of 14 children. My life has been so unfairly broken by the programming I received as a child, I’ve been plagued with many autoimmune diseases, starting with a kidney disease at age 11, uncontrollable with medication high blood pressure since I was 18, fibromyalgia in my twenties, in my thirties my Interstitial Cystitis (hundreds of lesions in the lining of my bladder and urine leaking into surrounding tissue) started, it took twelve years of being gaslit by drs to get a proper diagnosis. I’m in my fifties now, I haven’t ever been healthy enough to have a career, a life …. But not sick on the outside so I don’t qualify for compassion ……
God can I relate to this, you have worth my dude and don’t ever forget it, try to enjoy what time you have left on this spinning rock of uncertainty with people you care about
You clicked all of the boxes of my mannerisms. I have finally set boundaries that I am determined to stick to and when they are crossed, I have become silent. The constant apologizing is still a major problem for me. When I married my husband 22 years ago, he would get so mad at me because I was apologizing for everything. I thought I had it under control until I started teaching adult Sunday School and realized that I get into this trap of apologizing for things that I have no control over. I remember one day, I apologized like 5 or 6 times in a row and felt like I couldn't stop. I just wanted to cry because I literally felt like I had ruined the teaching for everyone. I also recently realized that I have major trust issues and my emotions of inadequacy will still get the better of me, I usually get to where I can't breathe and want to run hide. Thank you for this video. We tend to think we're abnormal, and we really are, but not in the same sense we think. I have three other siblings and we all have different outlooks and lives. I use to try to figure out why we were so different when we were all raised in the same house with the same morals. Then it hit me. No, we were not raised the same. They actually had different teachings than I did. We were all raised differently. And one of them is a terrible narcissist! A couple of years ago, I chose to have nothing to do with her. I was looking through some old photos I was going to give my children and old feelings of self-hatred came flooding in. I know we can heal. I just know we can. My husband is my rock and my safe zone. He will not let me go to my mothers without someone else being with me. He doesn't trust her. Thank you again for this video. It has come at a time that I really need to know that all will be okay on this healing journey and that I am not wicked or evil for choosing to distance myself. I really appreciate you. Thank you again! May God deeply Bless you!
It is so true. Grew up with a narc. mother. 74 today. I struggled with almost all the issues, you mention. I feel at peace now, but mostly when I'm alone. I've learned to set boundaries and speak my mind. I don't blame myself for everything anymore, nor allow others to blame me unrightfully. If I make mistakes, I brush it off and try to do better. One thing I still struggle with is eye contact. And it's the first time I hear it mentioned as a consequence of narc. abuse. In my teens I realized, i couldn't look into peoples eyes when they spoke to me. I would get confused and couldn't understand what they said. I had to look at their mouth to get what they said. I can look people in the eyes now,but I have to think about it. I don't do it automatically.
I wonder if someone can develop social anxiety disorder due to a narcissist parent or parents. I have it and I don't feel comfortable talking in a group setting or even 1 on 1. I have fear of being scrutinized or rejected and would rather keep my mouth shut.
Me, too. I get it. Sometimes I don't even stand up for myself when I should. I am afraid no one will believe me, because I wasn't believed in my family of origin. They usually assumed the worst and hardly ever gave me the benefit of (their) doubts.
I was just about to write that it can have absolutely everything to do with social anxiety... ANY anxiety disorder, as abuse is trauma and trauma creates post traumatic stress. And I think this is important to recognize the connection of that. Thank you to @MrAgmoore who shared his dual Dx of "general anxiety disorder & residual PTSD" in his comment.
At the age of 77 years, I still struggle with life as a result of being raised by two narcissists (both parents)! It’s painful to think back to how having narcissistic parents made me grow into adulthood unable to recognise who I really am. It’s only in recent years I’ve figured out why I have such an unfortunate personality and have lived a lifetime with very poor mental health!
My father is a narcissist, my mother is an enabler. My father taught me I was worth nothing and my mother taught me I shouldn't defend myself. As a result I developed anxiety and OCD, and I lack any self esteem. I have many of these mannerisms. I'm in my early 40s and I have decided not to have partners or children to avoid hurting them. I know it's the right decision but god, I feel so lonely!!
But you are self aware and know what your problems lead you to do. I'm sorry you feel so insignificant and/or not needed. Why not try just making some friends with the same interests? There is somebody out there for everybody, and you sound a caring soul. I wish you well ❤
Identifying the problem is the first step towards solving it. I'm 69 and most of my progress towards recovery took place when I was in my 50s. Of course I still have traits but I became more self-empowered around boundaries and standing up for myself. Also, I think people who have been damaged by narcissism rarely treat others that way and often go to the other extreme.
No children for me either. No way was I risking treating my kids the way my parents treated me. Plus, I knew I had mental issues. At times I wish I had children because it can be lonely. But I remind myself that I ended generational abuse. It ended with me.
I did the opposite. I was always alone. Felt alone even when I wasn't. I have 6 children under 12yo. I am a good mother. I love my children more than anything. I will NOT be my parents. I do still feel alone. My husband helps a lot. I don't have friends, can't speak in a group, anxiety when at a mall... If I didn't have my kids, I'd have nothing to wake up for.
I've experienced some of this, but fortunately have been able to do self discovery and healing. My sister however, is still plagued by much of what you listed. She is a "pleaser" and I dont think she knows her authentic self, it's sad what narc parents do to us. Thank you Mr. Wise. ❤
Being the fixer is another one I still suffer at 63 if someone has a problem I find myself trying to solve it. Recently one of my subs talked about his insurance being expensive I started right away gathering insurance companies I've seen online then I said what are you doing he's online let him find his own.
I read the book codependent no more. Once I realized what the word meant (being a fixer) and started working on that it is weird in a good way now when I notice.
The largest damage by far is that i donot know who i am ,or what i want or my needs , and an intrinsic disconnect with my inner true self. I donot know what i like or despise , i am unable to decide or move forward because i can never be sure. I also have a perfectionist attitude due to fear of failure and judgement and keep procrastinating . It is as if someone has stolen myself from me and only an outine remains .
Yep, my mother always making me feel bad if did notI sleep in her bedroom and left her alone (my father and her had separate bedrooms). Wtf, so weird, it was his job. No wonder I cannot set boundaries. It had not been developed in me. Weirdly I thought at the time it was because they cared for me more than my sister, telling me I was the spoiled one for attention when it was her (and my father during the day) who seemed to enjoy themselves walking all over me. My sister was perfectly fine living by herself in her “tower bedroom” , with my parents shyly knocking on her door. Not sure why she got all the respect and I got zilch, and my self respect went out the window with it.
Defensive over explaining yes. Difficulty with boundaries. Decision fatigue/overwhelm. Feeling generally not liked or wanted (other than to be used or get perks from me) or insignificant. Still a bit of a battle with my wants/who to be vs what I “should” want or be like. Give too much. Let others slack on effort towards me. Had trouble with several more of these but I have gotten way better with those (apologizing, not standing up for myself/getting bullied). Reactivity.
This is excellent thank you -I missed the funeral of my great grandmother unable to stand up for myself to medical director …so ridiculous it was abuse but I was programmed not to stand up for myself …being a physician didn’t change this still had no ability to stand up for myself
My parent always called me nuisance growing up..if i hear that word it cuts me deeply…i have had to have my own family not use it around me….i never felt seen, i still dont
It's amazing how many of these behaviors I exhibit even though my parents were covert narcissists who were never physically abusive and didn't yell much. I still developed the habit of endlessly apologizing and most of the rest.
@@No_auto_toon I don't believe that you are. If you are wondering about it, that means you are concerned because you care. By caring, you can pay attention to things and fix what doesn't seem right. Narcissistic people DON'T care at all. They feel nothing for other people. Deep down, YOU are a sensitive and valuable person. Peace and love to you! Take care. ☕🔥❤
I was bad at sports, and I had no interest in cars or bikes or anything else that was important to my father. The only way I ever earned my parents' approval was by doing well at school. I was closely monitored, and frequently belittled and punished or ignored. But as long as my grades were high, I knew my parents were happy with me. Now I'm 24 and there is no more school. That thing I tied my whole self-worth to doesn't exist anymore. I feel very lost.
George, if I may .... what do you like? Music? Get an instrument and some lessons. Electronics? Get involved in robotics. Throw yourself into your work; become the very best at what you do Volunteer....lots of non-profits need help. Perhaps Volunteer for a sport/music/organization that is completely new to you. I am on a non profit board and believe me, we would love more enthusiastic helpers even if they are complete noobs.
@@suran396 i must disagree with throwing self into work, this is not a balanced direction, it is only replacing the addiction of over pleasing, perfectionism.
George, it is going to take time. You are also going to need to find some solid support to help you navigate your way out of people pleasing and being an approval junkie. You sound just like me. I played the school game for approval and to keep my dad off my back. I hated school but, you would never know by looking at my grades. Good grades allowed me to stay out of the house away from my dad (the narc) and my mom (the enabler). However, I did not know that my dad is a narc and my mom is an enabler back then. I learned that when I chose to go to therapy at the age of 29. I am glad to hear that you did not have anything in common with your dad as far as hobbies. He would've used them against you in a sick narcissistic way. My dad did. I was into karate, my dad joined in and then used what he learned to punish me and my siblings. As soon as I was old enough to walk away from karate, I did so, I could escape my dad. To this day, I regret having to walk away from karate but, I had to so I could preserve myself. I also was training in dance and when I karate, I embraced dance even more and it was a safe space for me because my dad wanted nothing to do with that. I also worked as early as I could to be out of the house and save up money. I started work at age 14. The Lord provided me with the most wonderful husband at age 20. He encouraged me to go to therapy and I finally went when I was 29. The therapist was so helpful. She helped me understand what I was dealing with. She helped me navigate my way out of being an approval junkie/people pleaser. She helped me set boundaries. She helped me find my voice. She helped me in so many ways. My husband has been and is an incredible support in my recovery. Invest in yourself, healing is there for you. You can have a well adjusted life regardless of childhood. Everything is a season, a phase, temporary...These can be long or short and it depends on multiple variables as well as your choice of perspective for the outcomes. I ultimately have no contact with my dad. I may bump into him at a gathering once a year. I have no emotional ties to him thanks to the mourning/grieving of my dad that my therapist led me through. I see him as the man my mom is married to but there is no bearing on me. I am civil but I do not engage in conversations with him. I did forgive him and my mom. I believe that is best for my outcome and perspective. This also allows me to not have any guilt regarding them and my choice to stay away. I pray all the best for you. I am 46 now, married to my soul mate for 26 years and we have two wonderful kids that are now young adults (like you). We are a very happy, healthy, close and loving family. I share this to give you hope. ❤️💯🙏🏼
@@autumngrace8541 depends on your job. Sounds to me like you're in the wrong one. And I've got news for you. If avoiding a win is your pushback against your inner Demons, you'd better get different Demons or plan for a life of failure.
I hit every one of these. My mother passed when I was 12 and my father was abbsentee. I raised my baby brother and my older brother kind of disassociated. My father was NEVER happy with what I did. Never said he was proud of me for straight A's, a 4 year college scholarship etc. And when he did speak to me it was either to criticize or make me help him do heavy work. No physical abuse. Oddly it never really caused me major issues until he passed away. I am in therapy and it has helped so much. I still have to unlearn these habits.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Please tell us how we can save our self-confidence among these parents. I really need it.
I’m in!
Thank you for the work you do.
Thank you for providing free help! God bless, amen 💯✌🕊
Thank you so much, Jerry.🙂 Very clear and concise. Although my parents weren't narcissists, they were absent a lot (my dad due to work) and very demanding, strict but loving. I do have a few of those traits you name. Have changed with time and due to terrible life experiences. Adapting is key.👌 I'll follow more of your advice. 🙏
One thing I've noticed is I'm an unstoppable beast at working for someone else, but can't commit to decisions for myself.
Same here. I'll work circles around everyone but I don't do anything at home or for myself.
I used to be the same way. I discovered it was all in the planning. I have to take time to develop a detailed plan and then step back and treat it as though it were someone else's plan.
@@MrMZacconehey I’m glad I read that
I’ve seen those traits in my friend also… you are NOT invisible… you matter and are desperately need in this world! Please let your light shine through…today you’re strong!❤️🔥💪
I have never forgotten one detail of a family Thanksgiving dinner with my grown family, plus my 3 brothers and their kids, at my Mother’s home (Father had died). We were having laughing banter back & forth nonsense, having a good time, when I added that we knew our 10 yr younger brother was our parent’s favourite. Everyone was laughing when our Mother exploded with raging venom AT ME, screaming that it was because I was ‘just horrible! I had always been horrible!’ The table was stunned into silence. My sons never had any connection with her after that.
1. Apology reflex. 0:49
2. Avoidance of eye contact in arguments. 1:47
3. Selective mutism in groups. 2:18
4. Over explanation of simple decisions. 3:54
5. Being the fixer all the time. 4:50
6. Setting boundaries too late or not at all. 5:48
7. Getting easily reactive. 7:08
8. Feeling small or inflated. 8:10
9. Never operating from their true self. 9:50
I used to feel that way, until I went into therapy!
It's like a death sentence
Sweet lord 1-9 is my life 😕
That's me...
Yep just confirms that my SIL is the narcissist and has alienated both her parents. She exhibits NONE of these symptoms yet claims her mom is the narcissist. Ha!!!! Thank you for posting this. She’s been a toxic addition to our family since day one and has manipulated my brother into distancing himself from his own family. She’s pure evil.
I have a hard time receiving praise or compliments. It feels like a setup
Imagine not needing to do that anymore. Instead you simply accept.
It took me a lot of practice of being able to just say thank you.
There's a reason for everything. You need to find it to erase it. Know yourself. Namaste :).
I really don't like praise I perfer to be treated like everyone else. I think I'm always looking for their angle of praise.
When I apologized to a parked car for bumping into it with my hip, I knew there might be an issue with me.
😂😂 this is funny but so relatable ❤️
That reminds me of a moment when I was 12-13 years old, when I got hit by a car. Woman came down the road, me on a bicycle...Nothing was broken, maybe bruises I don't remember, because me idiot went to the front of her car and ask her if the car is ok 🤦♂🤦♂(Yes, I actually said that!). I also don't remember if I apologised. Shortly after I found out that this woman paid a substantial amount of money to my parents as a compensation. I never saw that money, neither did they told me. I heard that from somewhere else some time later when my mother died.
Now at almost 40, I recall certain things/events that I see completely differently and how all their behaviour leads to narcissism of my father. My mother was most likely his victim. She passed away from cancer at 44 years old and my father accused me of being guilty of her death. I was around 14-15 years old and to this day these words echoing in my head. + a lot of other nasty things that he made.
P.s.: No need for apology to objects 😉😁 I wish you all good 👋
😂
@@jabadabadu7089 It's because narcissists make us feel like objects and other people are more important than their own kids
LOL!! It is so true! GirlI have apologized to Alexa~!! HAHA!
OH MY GOSH!!! Over explaining simple decisions is a big one for me. I feel like I have to deliver a PhD thesis when someone asks me anything even the slightest bit personal
Example: I will be taking leave from my military service to visit a friend, and whenever he calls me about it, I immediately dissolve (that’s the word) into explain every detail, reassuring that I don’t want to be a burden, trying to remove some of his anticipation and an endless series of nonsense quite frankly, when he probably just wants to know the plan.
My son started asking me why I explain myself all the time; every little thing: it was making him crazy. I'd never noticed I did this till that moment. That was many years ago and I continue to work on Not doing it anymore.
Same. I had to fight this impulse today. A friend invited me to dinner, and I want to enjoy the rest of my weekend without any commitments/catch up on some things at home. In past times I would say "why" I declined, today I just said, "I have plans" and suggested another day. 🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️
Me, too.
I this was excellent. I participated in a Friedman family systems group for clergy for over twenty years, and one would think I would have all of this nailed by now. We use to say the concepts are “slippery” and easy to forget when doing self-work. I think this is true for me.
In school, I always felt insignificant & not worthy of friendship with the popular kids. I felt the teachers disliked me or didn’t even notice me. I was being beaten at home & screamed at daily, then had to go to school & hide all the bruises & hide my feelings of complete anguish. While the other kids were getting loving attention & had nice clothes to wear to school. I worked & bought my own clothes. I wasn’t as fashionable nor did I have much. I had a couple pair of jeans & concert t-shirts mostly. I was embarrassed by how I looked, even though I was a cute girl. My parents never protected me from anything. I was on my own largely. This has affected me my whole life.
I'm so sorry you had to endure that. It wasn't right. I pray God helps your heart heal and you have healthy relationships as an adult.
Please know that Father God dearly loves you. He created you and kept you alive despite abuse you endured. Grasping the love of Jesus and that I am a beloved daughter of God has adopted me!
I can do relate to you!!!❤️
I so recognise and remember that pattern of behaviour... Unfortunately, the myth perpetuated in one's head that you're unpopular, makes one be different and also behave differently, which in turn (sometimes, although, certainly not always), makes one unpopular. Catch 22!
Although, I really do hope in recognising the differences.. that you have finally found YOUR tribe ❤❤
I always felt invisible and forgettable.
And here you are; being heard and appreciated by complete strangers who have a lot in common. 🥰🥰
You are not alone. You're not invisible. Let your light shine
I don't think s... wait who are you again? wait, where is he?
Was that supposed to be a joke?
Can relate...I used to hate when ppl downplayed my feelings when I always said certain acted as if they didn't care. All along, it was true
Hunched shoulders to protect my heart space & freezing when afraid.
Me too…
Me three
I'm so sorry for your experience.
I ended up having back problems because I was not consciously aware I was doing it. I had to put a broom stick across my back/shoulders to stretch out the opposite way. Once I was alone of course...
Yes
People mistook my kindness for weakness. I had to adopt a "No more Mr. Nice guy. " kind of life.
Not necessary. Find a middle ground. Remember you want to be "normal".
Same here. I am now the bad guy, but it’s a good thing, I have no drama in my life, it’s great, once I got used to no drama, Otis addictive but you hate it, let it go.
@@edwardsomers3930 normal doesn’t exist in the real world.
Look up the etymology of nice.
No more Mr. Good guy 💜
I learned from a young age to not take care of myself. Im an adult and struggle not feeling like it's a waste of time and selfish to give myself self care.
❤️🩹
Me too. It’s my no. 1 challenge. God bless u for sharing.
Same
Or not taking care for myself until I fall down exhausted from taking care of everyone else.
Yes, I have a hard time taking care of my surroundings. If there's another person around, the house is spotless. If it's just me.. a bomb went off by the looks of things. I don't even NOTICE it :(
I used to get breathless speaking trying to get every thought out as quickly and concisely as possible, since in the family home I'd only have a few seconds before the parent either got up and left the room, or started a different conversation with someone else.
Me too... 😢 And: speaking often with a tone of voice too low, almost as if you wanted to say something but you didn't really want (fear of being completely ignored, dismissed)
I developed the bad habit of talking over people; my family of origin all do, because rarely could anyone get in a word edgewise with the narcissists dominating conversations and of COURSE they were quick to project and accuse of the same.
Oh yes. So dismissive .
The dinner table was the worst for getting ignored, interrupted or humiliated if I ever tried to express an opinion or open my mouth. I developed really bad asthma at age 11.
@@jaklumenoh yes. I know that too well😢
I thought talking over people was normal conversation 🤔 never even thought it was rude...mind blowing the stuff we do that we thought it was thought was normal...
I am 63. I know I am an adult child of a narcissistic mother. I am all of these traits. My mother is 91 now, and I am still living this. Luckily, I can support myself. And I see her on my time.
I hear you. I’m 67, NPD mother died 5 years ago. I’ve never been happier or more at peace. The damage doesn’t stop until they’re gone. Seeing her when YOU want to is the only way…..YOU set the rules! Good for you ❤
58 here, same situation. I just had her here a while, and had a rude shock when I realised how manipulative she is. I knew there was some of that, but not quite how bad it was. Now I am trying to figure out how this might have affected me through the years, and back out of it. Not easy.
Going NO CONTACT was the only thing that saved my sanity . I had siblings that also felt they were my superiors by constantly trying to dominate , insult and manipulate . Leaving these people and their small thinking and endless drama is best left in the rear view mirror .
Same here
Sounds familiar
my mum and dad were, so every close friend or relationship i stayed in was the same, i near had a breakdown and was still blaming myself, its maddening, thank god for all this information or it would have never ended or it would have ended me
Wow, I can relate, I just lost everything in Hurricane Helene, and my sister let me stay in her spare bedroom. She did that to me for one week. My brother told me to come up to his house in Rainbow Springs, I did and it’s the same thing. I feel like the bad child and my older sister kept it up and now he is, why? I want to run away, but where? I have no where to go. I see the pattern. I’m still the bad crazy kid. My heart hurts.
BINGO! That's what saved my own sanity; now that they've both kicked off, I've been ELATED! I no longer feel the need to worry about what people think of me because I never knew what lies my mother had told them about me. The woman was pure evil!
Hypersensitivity is brutal and the hardest thing to hide. Very tired of that.
I have that
@@Michelle-y1pMe too, thin skinned my family called it.
It's a superpower but a curse
Hyper vigilant to any mood changes. The mood changes are always met with a severe consequence. Screaming, stonewalling, shaming, dismissing…the pendulum swings were wide and unpredictable.
Now I know to just keep my boundaries and focus on healing ❤️🩹 and God.
Hyper vigilance is my thing. Ready for the next drama is exhausting.
I ticked all of these at one point, plus another one: Difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback.
Spiritual guidance and learning how to pay attention to my reactions during challenging situations has tremendously helped me overcome most of these during the past decade, and I learned not to be a victim but to embrace my past as a learning opportunity for a positive future.
Yes, being mindful is an eye opener. It has also made me aware that the problem is more common than I realised. I count my blessings and question more now to drill down the facts. "Can I help you?" has disarmed a few tensions in the past :)
@donnainsc3308
Yes! I have a really hard time whenever someone says something nice to me. Someone once told me to just say thank you! Easy to say, hard to leave it at that. I just figure they want to buy whatever I'm wearing and the compliment isn't really for me. Here I am over-explaining! 😅 Anyway, if you really are in SC, my best friend used to live in Greenville. Beautiful place with some of the most welcoming people I've ever met. Hope you and your family are safe and well.
For real. Compliments literally hurt.
Betting it’s because if we were complimented, a distressing action soon followed.
I was an over-apologizer. My husband brought this to my attention shortly after we were married and helped me figure out why. I was able to stop then. I was also an over-explainer, but my husband helped me there too.
I was until after age 65
Me too, even if I run into furniture, door, etc.
I was afraid to talk to strangers because I go anxiety. I think I was afraid they're judging me and getting ready to attack me because that's how my parents treated me. My narcissistic mother could go into rage over the most ridiculous things.
I'm happy for you. I had an ex-boyfriend who helped me open up more. I distanced myself from him because I wanted to distance myself from my family at the same time. Today I live with a partner who also helps me Freeing myself from ghosts
@@euaalanaoliveira So glad to hear that!
My parents made me feel like it was my fault that I even existed. It’s only now at 49 I’m finally putting all the pieces together.
Same here, you're not alone ❤
@@themmydiedrichs8107 Me too. Im 47
Same here. I’m 40. Apparently, I owe them as if I had willed myself into existence and making them take care of me afterwards when I was a defenseless child. I help them financially and it’s still not enough.
I have been no contact for two months. I’m trying to see something.🤷🏾♀️
@@mesalouis8976 keep strong 🧘🏾♀️
The week after I turned 50, I asked them to stop calling me sensitive, paranoid, emotional, difficult. Well that went badly. Their defensiveNess was off the scale.
I made myself as invisible as possible. Created my own little world out of reality and I still do it now.
39 yrs old and I have a lot of these. Sadly I can't afford help so these types of videos really help those of us who are poor. Txs
Hey, there's a good online program called, This Way Up that my Dr recommended. Its $60, but it's free if your Dr refers you. There are programs for many mental issues that arise from being raised by psychic vampires. It's all CBT-based. It may not be perfect, but it's free.
Good luck.
I went to “therapy” before and it was a joke and made things worse. Better off trying 12 step programs which are free and in every city
I wish you all the best on your healing journey. I recently read Dr. Ramani's "It's Not You: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse." It's amazing, and also made for people who can't afford therapy in mind. She also published a workbook to go along with the book as well. I haven't rewritten in the workbook yet, though. Good luck!
Selfhelp is the best, and i live in a top tax country.
Omg imagine how much luckier we are than if we were dealing with this before youtube. I can't believe we're this lucky! I'm right there with ya.
I survived narcissist parents it effected my whole adult life
100 thumbs up 👍
Yup
@@Plumduff3303 yes, in fact I don't feel like a true survivor and I don't like the word resilience. I'd rather be healed
And I went on and married one.
Big time. Ruined most my life.
People who fail to set boundaries tend to somehow find each other throughout life. That’s how we reach 50 with zero friends but a 30-40 year running tally of “amazing people” who aren’t around anymore.
I have another one I've observed Jerry. People are often too grateful for people being nice. So they thank people who are nice too much. Saying thank you once or twice is fine, 10 times is excessive and weird.
Yes, caught myself in this many times. The gratefulness is always sincere, though. But it's so warm that people look at me in wonder 😅
Oh my word! This is true
I know what you mean. It doesn't feel sincere when it's excessive. And now a days, some ppl are just not used to ppl being nice anymore, and they will take it as though you're being funny, or condensending. I've even gotten ppl turning against me because they thought I was being too nice.
It's bizarre
Yes of course, rarely done, called being un-cool!
Guilty as charged 😂
I apologize for apologizing 😂
🤣🤣🤣. And for saying thank you a 1000 times,instead of once. I imagine I make people uncomfortable 😅😅
Awesome. Made me laugh! Me TOO! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I used to do that, too. 🤣
Thank you😅😅😅
So do I.
I realized I needed therapy when I was hospitalized for 9 months and was apologizing for everything. For needed assistance for everything. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for not being able to get to the bathroom", that kind of thing. I'm 60 now and I still do it. It's hard.
Oh, yeah. We can never be honest with our family. The abusers save up every weakness as ammunition. The enablers reveal what we told them to the abusers to use as ammunition. No wonder we have a hard time with trust.
THIS!!!!!!! Flying monkeys in my family were given monetary gifts for reporting my business!!!
So well said ❤
I have never been able to cultivate relationships with other women because of this. I grew up without knowing that it came from the fact that I couldn't trust my own mother. I discovered it in my 20's while in therapy. I had a suicide attempt and my mother berated me and then immediately told the most important members of my extended family - the people whom I loved and respected, as well as her only friends, who happened to be the mothers of women I went to school with. We lived in a small town and everyone knew. I was already deeply depressed, and she made it worse. My psychologist at the time told me that my mother wasn't trustworthy and I should be careful what I shared with her. In that moment, I realized that my mother had made me distrust women and left me unable to form friendships. I was so fearful of them using my faults, or mistakes, against me, or telling everyone else, that I stopped friendships in the early stages by pushing people away. It was an amazing ah-ha moment.
Leave. Construct a new family.
Bingo! Narc mom..absent dad, mostly- long story. Sister was the golden child, I was born to my mom @ 15..she never forgave me for it. My brother was in the way, mom let him move out @ 14 when my Dad died. I got the brunt of her rages..my brother got too big physically and my sister got her share . I was the main target. My brother committed suicide 💔. My sister is in jail for her 4th DUI. My husband passed away recently after 41years, of a TBI and a broken neck. I went back to reconnect. Big mistake! It's not changed a bit! I'm broken 💔 and I'm really wanting help.My house flooded with sewage and I was in a hotel for over a year! My cat died on the anniversary of my husband's death in September. I miss him terribly and my baby - Gucci girl. My son is military and gone. I need help with my house and I am afraid to ask. My mom is a millionaire, and doesn't even care to call me to see if I am ok!? I'm almost suicidal. 😢
Can you please help me?
The greatest offense of a narcissistic parent is their deep fear, or even envy, of their child’s growth and potential. They take advantage of being the authority figure by controlling their child’s potential. This need for control drives every interaction between the parent and the child. If the child steps outside the role imposed by the parent, they are punished-whether through passive-aggressive remarks or manufactured drama to diminish them. To cope, the child must conform to the parent's assigned role to avoid the drama. All of these mannerisms emerge out of this dynamic where the parent essentially reduces the child to a frozen image, a mere cutout, instead of allowing them to become a fully realized person.
Absolutely on point.
Well said
The parents insecurities show up when their grown children date and marry as well. The parent is hurt when the child chooses someone else. They punish the grown child, the spouse, and the grandchildren.
*This*
Rhank you for your brilliant and insightful words. thank you.
@@00M13-m9f
Thank you for your nice words. All the best!
I’ve always been treated like the black sheep of the family 💔
Oh, my God!! I do all those things!! At once!! My husband once told me to stop apologising and saying "thank you" every two minutes.
I replied by saying "Thank you for telling me, I'm so sorry!".
It was so eye opening at that point that I just couldn't do it again without questioning myself.
This was the start of me meeting myself for the first time.
Wow great comment.. enjoy yourself
Thank You❤, I’m sorry you felt you had to apologize, I feel this in my soul and I am constantly apologizing or over thanking ppl for simple simple things☹️
@@vas7ilissi8 luckily someone told me to stop shortly after high school. Didn't even realize I did it but was hyper aware after they told me.
I had to laugh when you said thank you for telling me that I'm sorry. 😅😮
LOL! So true.
These issues get me bullied. Especially the hard times with boundaries. I was taught it's better to not stand up or I was being oversensitive. So when people tried to cross the line and I'd let it roll off my back, they took it for weakness and they found a cookie jar they could keep reaching into freely.
So you damned if you did and damned if you didn't. 😖😖
It took me a long time to start getting a handle on this. When I do stand up for myself I get hammered now but I do it anyway. To hell with em. 😂
Same here!!!
Amen 🎉
It got reinforced in reality. Misfired on me with others later too.
If i had to choose just 1 main emotion to describe my childhood ... I would say "I grew up in Fear" ... and the resounding mantra "Never Enough" moulding me
@@tonipeterson954 Those are a rubbish feelings to have ! Hard to live with.
Same. Still struggling with not feeling good enough sometimes.
Absolutely!!!
Every behavior in this video fits me like a glove. This is one of the best explanations I’ve ever seen explaining why.
@@tayzonday same, it was kind of shocking. Didn't even really think of this aspect.
It was all about my abusive mother and walking on endless eggshells keeping her happy. If she was happy, I lived. She wrote me and my children off out of her life because I interrupted the music at her Christmas party. We never saw her again. My sisters always begged and pleaded for mom to take them back. I didn’t.
I apologised endlessly for most of my life. I took the back seat to everyone. I felt i was always a failure even in success. Still today, that tape plays in my head.
@@yupyup1562 scream at your brain (internally) "no. No. That is a lie.!" If you keep that up eventually it will help.
Read the book, "Walking on eggshells." It's about interacting with someone who has borderline personality disorder. I found it very helpful. I forget the authors name. I hope it helps.
I feel this to my core. My mother has found excuses to disown two of my brothers when they were getting engaged/married. Years later I was 30 when the Lord brought me my soulmate. Knew extremely early on I would marry him. He knew even sooner than I did.
We had been going out 2 months when all attempts from my mother to break us up failed and she put me to, "Him or your parents." Bear in mind I was still living with them because the constant stress was ruining my health, so I couldn't afford to leave. She disowned me (and dad went along with it) and served me an eviction notice in front of police officers (they literally were following me as I was leaving with my guy, and screamed at the neighbors to call the police), so I moved out.
Within weeks she was practically begging me to come back, claiming she still wanted me to live there, but didn't weren't comfortable with him around and evicted me so they could legally keep him from coming over.
I didn't fall for it. F*** them all.
@@AllThePeppermint I dont know you but the one thing i learned about narcissists is you truly do not give a $h!t about them & use them for your own means & if it should end, at least you have God.
Good. Keep your kids away.
I'm 72 and still affected!! I was the "black sheep" of the family. I couldn't do anything right. Every wrong thing was my fault. My opinions did not matter, so I kept my mouth shut. In school I was afraid to answer a question because I felt like a nobody and that I was stupid. I could go on and on. Thank you for this video.
I find it difficult to make friends after the way I grew up
Same!
Oh man, I feel that. Not only dealing with the crap growing up after having a horribly narcissistic ex who took the time to befriend friends of mine of 20+ yrs and turning them against me I've realized I have absolutely no friends and I mean literally none.
@@poolhalljunkie9 I’m sorry. I feel that. I hope you make new friends, safe friends!
@@poolhalljunkie9 that’s twisted.. don’t let the ex win.
@poolhalljunkie9 Experiencing your true self more and more and more, will bring you good friends. Look front of you, a lot of good things are going to happen, just be convinced of it. And the ones who took their distance might open their eyes soon.
When you said "being the fixer all the time" that hit hard. What's worse, now I'm really good at things, and everyone comes to me for help. In a way, I've created my own hell. What I've figured out in therapy however is that, the hell I've created can also be what helps me, because people are often very grateful for my help and I do feel purpose, meaning and fulfillment from helping. The difficult part for me has been finding the balance.
I can relate
We play an important role in their play. They can't get high off their drama without the peacekeeper. Just say no lol!
Next thing to learn for you is setting boundaries. Don’t let people use you.
I also think it’s about looking at truly why we feel the need to fix things. It’s so second nature for me and part of my actual job to some extent, that, I need to ask myself why I am stepping in. In my personal life outside of work, I find I have a sense of guilt and condemnation if I don’t. It’s hard for me to step back and acknowledge that someone made a choice. I can help them, but that false sense of responsibility tells me that I’m as guilty as them if I don’t step in to fix their problem. Sometimes, I believe we should step in and help. But is it every time in every situation? And does it always equate to our own sense of identity or responsibility? I don’t think so. It’s easy for me to pontificate this, but in real life I rarely question it and want to avoid the guilt and discomfort of not “doing my part.” Even when most might say I have no part in that situation. Ugh.
I used to refer to it as jumping in front of other people’s trains to stop them from crashing at the bottom. Just when I thought I had overcome it, it would happen in the least likely of places. I pray God gives me (and anyone else struggling with this) true discernment and self control to do what He truly wants us to do/not do in those moments of decision. Sometimes He wants us to help and sometimes we can make things worse or deny someone what they need to do/learn. Thanks for sharing and reading this! You helped me get some of these thoughts out. I pray God helps you on your journey! 😊
Yes, finding the balance and that some good can come from it.
Now that my mom has passed away this year, I’ve done much reflecting on how I grew up. I’m now dealing with all the feelings about acknowledging the dysfunction in my immediate family. Thank you for this video.
I am doing the same right now. It's tough dealing with the fallout 😢
Whenever someone is truly nice to me I can’t handle it and often well up with tears and the lip wobbles.
The apologising thing, absolutely.
First 16 years with a narcissist step mother. The next 41 years with a narcissistic partner.
The new guy in my life is the same way so we both burst into tears (of gratitude and joy) and hug it out 😂
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Yep, please don't compliment me. I won't believe you anyway.
It's so true, if someone gives me a kind word or is even nice to me, I start to cry. It still feels so strange to me.
I cry easily when people actually pay attention and care too! Sad I’m in therapy and this has never happened there.
Most therapist intentionally obscure objective reality with their language . How does it make you feel? To have that perceived injustice.
Or “your truth” went talking about objective reality. The intent is to invalidate you’re noticing the psychopaths and narcs in society
Congratulations you found each other.
“I’m sorry” is still said by me all the time, and I’m 73 years old.
I find myself apologizing when I ask someone a question
I'm sorry that you were never truly acknowledged by your peers. Cheers gran! You matter.
Yep. My big problem too. I suffered in the army as they teased me a lot about it. It kind of made me realize how bad it was and that I had to fix this, but I had no idea it came from my weird parents and upbringing. Making sense of it helps so much better.
You need to break that trauma bond fast.
I do it and had amazing parents. Sooooo, it's not always a sign of narcissistic parents.
My current therapist pointed out that the language I use is largely not born of being a narcissist but learning this language from my family. That he could tell the difference meant the world to me.
And then we get diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and called crazy bc of fearing judgement and apologizing too much
Then you buy meds from a bunch of narcs 😂😂 Sad but true.
well said
Having a mental health disorder isn't "being crazy," it's having a set of symptoms that are maladaptive and make life difficult. Most people do not have the fear of judgment and related symptoms that make up the symptoms of a social anxiety disorder. And those symptoms can be eased and treated so that the person with those symptoms can behave and function more similarly to people who are not struggling.
A disorder isn't a cause, but a description of symptoms that are related.
If you are unbothered by your feelings and they cause you no grief nor stress in your life (nor to others in your life,) then you don't have a disorder. But if these feelings disrupt your life and cause you stress, then that can reach the level of disorder. These things can be treated to be less disruptive or even completely mitigated. It's not a shameful thing, but it is a real thing. Those thoughts and behaviors and responses don't need to be present, and the majority of people don't experience them which is why life is easier for them in that respect. There is no "normal" when it comes to people, but we can assess what most experience and what most don't; what causes disruption to people's goals and daily living, and what doesn't.
If you prefer to live with the feelings that could be diagnosed as an anxiety disorder, by all means that's your right. But most people would prefer not to, which is why treatments have been developed.
Also, just because something is a natural and expected consequence of an experience doesn't mean the outcome isn't still a disorder. Social anxiety is a natural consequence of being raised in certain environments. PTSD is the expected outcome of many traumatic experiences, but is badly disruptive to people's lives and thus people benefit from treatment. Swelling, soreness, and limping is the expected outcome of fracturing an ankle, but people still benefit from treatment beyond their body's natural responses.
Thankful that when I grew up, at least the internet was not around. These poor kids now are humiliated not just to family, friends and colleagues, but across the whole wide world. Their parents have no roadblocks.
I'm horrified to find that 99.9 per cent of what Mr. Wise is saying applies to me.
I feel guilty for breathing. My mother did a number on me. Now I’m a neurotic 50 yr old. No matter how much therapy I do I still feel worthless. Its a vicious cycle. Im so over this earth quite frankly.
I feel you, i am at the same point as you are. It feels i have nothing good anymore to expect from the world and life. I feel guilty as well all the time for existing and its hard to get a sense of self worth..
@@gloriabartolome3123 seriously thank you for saying this. I feel alone. It helps to know that Im not alone. Much love to you! ❤️🩹
Diane! Stop! ......it's been mentioned a few times, but "no contact" is the ONLY way forward. I hear you, my mother did the exact same, my father too. As the first child, far from perfect these two heinous individuals made me wish I'd never been born. I'm 63 now ( four mental health breakdowns with hospitalization behind me) and I have nothing to do with my one remaining parent. I'm free, please Diane - free yourself. You owe her "JACK"!!! (as an American like Jerry might say🤗)
@@johedges5946 I went no contact years ago. Im not sure what u mean by stop.
Jesus.
Yes. The over explanation of simple choices. That was one of the first things i noticed about myself that made me realize something really bad had happened to me
I had family members refer to my overexplanations as “spiraling” or in text they’d add “I’m not going read all this. You sound/are acting crazy.” I still feel shamed simply explaining things... or even talking at all around my father’s friends.
@@Seeyatellite Yes. I used to get that a lot and still do.
Narcissistic mother enabler mostly absent father and grandiose narcissist brother and enabler brother all found ways to emotionally abuse me. Couldn't afford to leave them until marriage. To a covert narcissist. He expects me to explain every move I make and accuses me of always disagreeing with him if I dare to have my own opinions. I'm 71 and trying to escape. In therapy since 1968. Married since 1983. Hoping to expatriate to Portugal in the next 6 months
Thank you for this information. I took me year's to recognize my father was a total control freak. As an only child it made my situation worse. Eventually leaving to live halfway round the world. At age eighty l am still learning to be me.
High tailing it across the globe worked for me at 18. ❤
Good for you. I’m also an only child, 67 years of age. Once you know their game plan you can hopefully be one step ahead but it’s still difficult. Wishing you well. ❤
Always explaining ourselves . . . Truth. I've had ppl ask me why I'm always explaining myself. I've cut back on it, curbed it but, yes, we do this. Now, when someone tries to make me explain myself I don't and I recognize them for controlling individuals and cut them out of my life. I don't need it.
This gets one seen as making always excuses, not taking responsibility, when you actually explain what happened.
I'm trying not to do it in front of my toxic siblings and giving them ammo but the damn habit/propulsion is so hard to control. Always regret it after it happened. 😕
A inner part of me kept hoping that they'll understand but in reality, im just putting myself in a vulnerable position. Fk me.
@@RonLarhz No worries. I just did it again while talking to my toxic relative. I know what I said will get all scrambled around and turned against me but in the moment, I didn't think about it. I look at it this way. I no longer care what that toxic person thinks or what the toxic ppl 'they' will talk to about it think. It's all good hon. Disconnect the giving a damn what they say or do. Get them at arms length from your life so they can't interfere in your life and it will all be better. I moved hundreds of miles away from toxic 'city' years ago.
Fair call . You do you . Never tolerate fools . Your principles are valid . Be honerable
I understand being careful, but cutting out anyone who wants you to explain yourself ever sounds too extreme. It's natural that some people will want you to explain yourself.
I have a lot of anger and rage. I’m 46 and I don’t think I act right. It’s like I don’t know how to be normal. I’m mad my youth was ruined and I can’t have a redo the way I want.
Suggest as a good healing step to get into your body. Work out, get outdoors and in touch with nature. Will make you feel better and hopeful. Can't hurt.
Study dysregulatiion & how to process emotion safely so you can respond not react. The Crappy Childhood Fairy has a helpful channel plus courses & books on this topic
I'm the same. Am working to process anger but belittling this feeling is another denial! Some life has been lost, I think it's honest to admit that rather than just saying that we have our future. Of course we do, but this doesn't erase the abuse and the fact it takes a lifetime to recover
You are still very young, get professional help. You can do it. Hugs.
Recently, I had to repent for my anger. Had to.. it had done so much damage. Was able to look at it for what it was. I was horrified. Yes, it was necessary that I ask God for forgiveness for my anger! That may sound crazy.. asking forgiveness for being angry about the abuses I've suffered, but I did, and it's changed everything.
I wish I could be in counseling with this counselor. It's comforting just to know somebody recognizes the problems that I personally have because of my life affected by a narcissistic mother.
Not feeling good enough to own something new. "Oh I got this at the second hand store". Or "Oh, I've had this old thing for years."
I really hate spending money on myself, but will gladly buy things for my wife and children.
When I bought a pair of jeans for $20, I felt horrible for weeks
Yes! And if you do splurge on $30 Walmart shoes (yes, for me that's a splurge) because you finally told yourself that no, shoes with a million holes falling apart and making your feet hurt ARE NOT "still good," feeling like you have to justify it to yourself and anyone else.
My clothes are either 30 years old or bought at the charity shop. 😂
Another weird mannerism of adult children of Narcissistic parents is the inability to see oneself. I struggle to truly have a sense of myself. It’s as if I look into a mirror and there’s no reflection.
I feel disconnected, like who is that?
Such a good description of the way I have felt all my live. I don’t know the real me I can’t relate to me.
It’s dissociation.
Me too
Mirror moments is when I realize I’ve really been through some hard core mistreatment. Like, being raised in it I couldn’t really see the abuse for what it was because I couldn’t “see myself”
I have all of them. The most humiliating is lack of secure identity. Thank you for your work.
I have never felt so seen in all my life. I have done all of these things as a result of a narcisstic parent. Im 53 now, a full-time college student, trying to heal and thrive. I had to move to a different state. Let me tell you though, when i stepped off that Greyhound bus, i experienced the most liberating feeling because i could finally be myself,no one in my.new city had ever seen me before or knew a thing about me. That eas was a profound moment for me.
Best wishes for freedom in your new surroundings. Plug in to things that are 'good' for you.
where ever you go there you be
Congratulations and keep going! You're worth it!
I recognize that feeling.
Congratulations
I am astonished at how accurate the observations are.
@@RICHARD-mn3nd honestly so was I. I expected the typical general broad net to get clicks but almost every trait was dead on. Kind of nice knowing there's a ton of other messed up people just like you.
Never realize how far gone I am until I listen to these videos
Excellent video. I identified wth almost all of these. Silence in groups really hit home. As a young person, narc parent would scream at me in the car going home if I said something she didn't like. It was safer to stay silent and avoid the wrath. This behavior has stayed with me my whole life. Thank you for sharing this information.
Start slowly opening up with trusted people ….. I did this & it’s been very healing
It got awfully quiet in the car going home from a meeting when I told three good colleagues that that was an expected thing when I grew up. The post-event berating in the car. I still can’t properly relax at events or in the car going home. I only relax once I’m safely home.
Yes, I was bullied by my entire family and silenced, always silenced. I hardly say anything to anyone. But something changed during the isolation of covid -- when everyone re-emerged I found I started talking a lot. But it doesn't matter or no one listens!
So much silence - to keep out of the way, to keep emotions down, to keep your head down and stop fighting the family system. Just to keep the peace. Just to not become the next target. Just to shut up and pretend everything is fine until you can get out. No wonder years of silence like this can build up...
My ex narc used to fight in the car when we came back from gatherings or whatsoever... I always did/said something wrong... at the end I would invent excuses not to go... bingo! He excluded me from social gatherings!
I was always so afraid each day in at the beginning of school when I only had to answer
"Here " when roll was called. Even now thinking of how fearful I was, I am tensing up.
Now at 67 years old I can begin to understand why.
Thank you for so clearly explain ing this!
I had forgotten about that one! 😕 I experienced the same thing.
I grew up with a terrible fear inside of me of being scolded, punished, or hit, and that's why I go around apologizing to everyone so that they don't hurt me.
I am 60 now… a lifetime with these characteristics and I thought it was “just me”:
3:30 Always wanted to be invisible.
4:20 Always justify everything even to my wife
5:00 Always a fixer even for complete strangers
6:00 Ineffectual boundaries and zero boundaries definitely me
7:00 overreacting and hypersensitive 100% me
8:15 yep: insignificance, self-disgust, wish to disappear, worthlessness
9:57 no sense of self + people-pleasing - “who am I” -
I am terribly exhausted. I finally got away and subverted the superself to some extent … no contact but the damage is done.
Thank you so much . This presentation is the best ever. AS for taking your course, it's a little late for me due to age. I'm in my 70's & always was a little puzzled. Thank you so much. And best wishes with those who could really benefit.
Thank you for time codes
@@yellowrose9355 That's a belief that is not matched by other people's experiences. I have heard folks in their eighties getting healed from trauma and getting free from their past. It is NEVER too late. All the best! 🙏🌺
Though I was in talk therapy for decades prior, I didn't get real healing until I changed MH providers at age 58 after my last hospitalization. I found out that day that I'm a complex trauma survivor which aggravates my major mood disorder as well as exacerbates my neurodivergence, & with that new understanding, began receiving trauma-informed therapy. On that day, I finally felt heard for the first time about my emotional struggles. I've now been receiving that therapy for 8.5 years, & my life has changed dramatically for the better. I'm finally finding peace.
At my age now (upper 60s), there are many experiences I've not had that most take for granted, but in discovering my true identity as an artivist, I have my own unique path to follow, that I believe fulfills my soul's true purpose. I just hope & pray the USA will remain constitutionally intact so that I may have the chance to bring my goals to fruition
All of them...😢 especially being the fixer and setting boundaries... even today... I'm naturally a giver but have been so unfair to myself, I've always put others' needs first
“Been so unfair to myself” … man this hit hard
@@Lisboooa and hurt and feel less than when those you've gone above and beyond for do not reciprocate or appreciate what you've done for them.
Same!
@@Lisboooa It's how I feel, probably a common experience... I genuinely wanted to help everyone, believing we are all essentially good. How naive I was. Apart from that, I wish I gave myself even 1/10 of what I gave others in terms of love and support, both emotional and financial. I really came last
@@KimFuller-fh5bw ♥
The one where people avoid eye contact got me. I learned that narcissistic psychopaths take making eye contact with them as a threatening act.
I can't take compliments. I react to compliments and insults exactly the same, that is I don't react at all. One day my boss's boss pulled me into a private room to compliment me for paying attention to detail etc. etc. and he thought I should apply for a management position, and I just stared at him. I could see he regretted asking me in about three seconds flat. Humiliating, but my behavior is locked in. Can't help it. I'm wired so hard to avoid belittlement I'll throw out the compliments too maybe for fear that they're fake compliments that'll turn into what they really are.
Don’t read into his discomfort anything other than discomfort
💯 how much damage we've suffered...
I just make excuses. It wasn't just me, it was no big deal, whatever. My real friends tell me to accept the compliment, and I stop and just say thank you. It's still really uncomfortable.
I think it’s because the focus is on us. I even hate my birthday for that reason.
@@cyndimoring9389 yeah, if someone even remembers my birthday, I cry. There are NO photos of me, anywhere. I just don't want to be seen or noticed.
I've experienced every one of these traits, and my heightened emotions always seem to get turned against me. I usually bottle everything up to keep the peace, but when they push me to the edge, I explode, making me seem exactly like the person they portray me as. Words never seem to help, and I end up reinforcing their narrative. I’m at the point where I can't keep holding it all in anymore. I've been dissociating just to cope, but now I’m trying to reclaim my life, despite how they see me. It feels like I'm in a constant loop of grieving my lost childhood.
I feel you! your words could be mine. It took me a long time though to understand all my problems were due to my childhood. i always thought i was defective and couldnt do anything right and kinda accepted it as my fate.
I so relate to this. For me the hardest lesson I've learned has been to get narcissists out of my life to stop the cycle, and it's amazing how many narcissists you can collect as you go through life. Having few friends, partners, relatives feels better than being trapped in that endless loop of narcissist abuse, even when you love the narcissist.
Jerry, you just delivered more useful information, in only a few minutes, then I've heard in 100's of hours in a psychologists office. Thank you so much. I'll be back. You really get it. Thank you.❤
I came to the realization that apologizing so much was hindering me. I finally started saying "I am sad that happened" or "Sad to hear it" but now only say sorry for things that were only due to my direct involvement.
Brilliant. You must have a garden response ready it should be tripping on the tongue. And 😅don't expand on your response. This is hard to do.
Thank You ❤
One big one for me is not feeling emotions.
Alexithymic
You can have some of mine. I'm over loaded.
Narcissists only use their brains.
I swing between none and too much.
I have lived this for over 60 years. If you keep numb, you can handle the hurt. I have found a phrase to help me with this pattern. You can't feel the JOY if I don't feel the PAIN.
1:36 this touched such a nerve.... I remember saying I'm sorry to a door once, and only realizing the stupidity of it, because it happened in a friend's house and everyone started laughing, and telling me stop apologizing for everything.
I feel that! And the constant loop of apologizing for being so apologetic. After growing into it it just is second nature and a reflex which is so hard to get the upper hand of. I wish you all the best for your journey. Take the time you need to heal and grow ❤.
This ! The damage just lasts a lifetime 😭 I'm 44 and I still apologize for things that are not my fault.
I’m riddled with all this - my mum was a violent narcissist.
Same here !
Mine too
Dad was the violent narcissist.
the narcissistic mothers are far worse than narcissistic fathers, because the n. mothers make you feel sorry for everything, even though they are the cause of all the issues.
Same here. I still get panicky when thinking of her
Thank you, this video explains a lot. I do all of these things. My narcissist mother has labeled me as an "undiagnostic person with autism" despite her never taking me to any doctors or doing anything to diagnose this in my childhood. This is because I do things like avoiding eye contact and not speaking up in group settings (out of fear of judgment).
This label she made up has been used as part of her minimization and scapegoating for years. While I have nothing but respect regarding those with autism all of my research shows that it doesn't fit who I am or how I think, but the reasons said in this video about these mannerisms being a product of my childhood abuse fit perfectly.
My mother was convinced that I was bipolar to the point that I started believing maybe it was true so I attended a bipolar group wherein it was apparent that I didn't belong. Weird
My mother said I was just like my dead uncle. He had a complete breakdown and died because of his abusive childhood. I developed the same traits because of my father (his brother) and my mother's style of horrible parenting. I then ended up having a breakdown 3 decades ago but I survived and went on to higher education (she then denegrated that!). My parents had awful childhoods but that's no excuse.
You have a lot of self-awareness and you may not have it. Such labels are cruel. They labeled me as awkward, skinny, unathletic, clumsy, can't sing, etc., etc. It is no wonder we all have problems. I hope you get some help here with Jerry. He knows a lot. Maybe he can point you in the right direction. It is essential you individuate from your Mom and your family. Be your own person and break free of labels.
# 1: They over apologize. Or have an apology reflex.
#2: Avoidance of eye contact during arguments.
#3: Selective mutism when in groups.
#4:Over explanation for every day decisions. Having to overly justify to others for every decision you make.
#5: Being the fixer all the time. Having to be the mediator in every group. The therapist for others.
#6: Setting boundaries too late..or not at all.
#7: Getting easily reactive. Hypersensitivity of emotions.
#8:Feeling either small or inflated..as a coping mechanism
#9: Never operating from your true self. Their sense of identity may be overshadowed by their need to conform..leaving them unsure of their own beliefs or values ( being an approval junkie).
I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions unless it was only happy. If I cried I was shamed including having a parent taking a picture of me with the parents saying how shellfish I am as I’m ruining everyone’s time. Trying to be heard and trying to join in the conversation, my Family would speak over me, laugh as they prevented me from speaking-being in my 50’s, it’s the same with my adult siblings. I started noticing it in friends. This is when I took charge and spoke with authority over myself that I have the right to take up space. I am of worth. I’d rather be alone than to take that abuse from anyone.
I'm 58.
I've all of these mannerisms 😢😢
And not only do I over explain, developed an exceptional memory to assist in the over explaining for protection. parents would just be smirk as I spoke.
66 and still fixing myself
Me to, hug
Me too, I hope all of us affected by this get the chance to heal from this. I know I'm just a random stranger on the Internet but I will wish you all the best and hope you find peace one day.
@@janmots2829 May God bless you for words of kindness. This morning is tough but I'm still trying to keep strong 😔
I’ve always felt “less than”
An adult child of narcissistic parents here. I feel sorry for them because they, too, were raised in emotionally unhealthy environments and they did the best they could. Thankfully I was given important tools with all the info available up to today which allowed me to become a better parent myself.
Keep fighting for what and who you were meant to be.
I was always the fixer and therapist starting at the age 7 for my immature parents. They would get into these huge destructive arguments which I had no business being a part of. At that age, all I knew was I didn’t wanted my parents to breakup. Now I realize it would have been the best thing. They are in their eighties now and crazier than ever. I am no contact for years. My health is better and I have sanity. I’ve learned from them how not to be, which was the only positive of being with them!
@mariadaquila7587 You described my life to a tee! My parents got married out of societal and financial convenience and it was the worst-thing. They gaslight themselves that they are a good match because they have "similar values" (being that they both come from similar socio-economical backgrounds). What they really mean is that they have similar insecurities -- both anxious, both codependent, both insecure which makes each other a convenient partner. They are quite out of touch from each other (and also with themselves in what they truly wanted) but sticked together because they both were not self-actualized and neither had agency. To me similar values are when you can empathize with someone you love, you know are attuned to their needs/likes/dislikes, and they are also attune to you. Not in my family, which was the reason why they argued like how you described. I kept inserting myself in the middle to sooth things over, but it barely made a difference. I was the only child in the family and would get caught in these crossfires, and I was already emotionally neglected by them as it is. I went No Contact with them 5 years ago. Looking back, I think their arguments were based on a lot of truths but both of them were too lazy to take it seriously and kept dismissing it. Yet they argued over the same thing over and over (which is a sign that they never evolved), and I'm sure inter 60s/70s now, they continue to do this. I'm just finally spared of it!
I relate to being the adult from a very young age. It always seemed as though if someone didn’t bring some sanity to the situation,
the whole thing would careen over the edge taking all of us down. Too bad it had to be us babes.
I don’t realize it all the time, but it makes sense why I am always analyzing and calling out the risks at work. It is part of my job to some extent but it is always there even when no one asks, and I’m trying to use that skill in a positive way. It took a long time to let go of feeling like I had to save the company, but over many years I have learned that people will make their choices. If I warn them and they don’t heed it, I don’t get bitter or vengeful. I try to compassionately help resolve the issue within my appropriate boundaries. In my personal life, I struggle hard! lol. Wish I could transfer it to matters of the heart better. I’m a work in progress and God helps me😊
I pray for you and your parents. God bless you!
@@Jennifer-b4e the positive out of all of this is that we can see ourselves for who we are and transcend the sins of our parents. Even though it’s taken me a while, I’ve learned to keep calm. It really is sad that as babes we went through this, but I really think it has made us stronger and better. God Bless you, too😊
@@mariadaquila7587 I agree, Thank you!
There's a lot of RUclipsrs out there talking about narcissism. You are the only one that offers the fixes. Thank you so much.
Wow, thank you!
Ruminating after every social event! When should I have kept quiet? When should I have spoken up? What do I regret saying or not saying? How should I have behaved differently so that it would have been perfect?
I should add, we act this way, not because we are still actively thinking this way, it’s because our bodies and brains have stored these pathways/behaviors.
For me, I was raised by many narcissistic/neurotic sisters and brothers, I had not “one” reliable consistent caregiver. And there was a gap of eight years (and two miscarriages) before I was born the youngest of 14 children.
My life has been so unfairly broken by the programming I received as a child, I’ve been plagued with many autoimmune diseases, starting with a kidney disease at age 11, uncontrollable with medication high blood pressure since I was 18, fibromyalgia in my twenties, in my thirties my Interstitial Cystitis (hundreds of lesions in the lining of my bladder and urine leaking into surrounding tissue) started, it took twelve years of being gaslit by drs to get a proper diagnosis. I’m in my fifties now, I haven’t ever been healthy enough to have a career, a life …. But not sick on the outside so I don’t qualify for compassion ……
God can I relate to this, you have worth my dude and don’t ever forget it, try to enjoy what time you have left on this spinning rock of uncertainty with people you care about
You clicked all of the boxes of my mannerisms. I have finally set boundaries that I am determined to stick to and when they are crossed, I have become silent. The constant apologizing is still a major problem for me. When I married my husband 22 years ago, he would get so mad at me because I was apologizing for everything. I thought I had it under control until I started teaching adult Sunday School and realized that I get into this trap of apologizing for things that I have no control over. I remember one day, I apologized like 5 or 6 times in a row and felt like I couldn't stop. I just wanted to cry because I literally felt like I had ruined the teaching for everyone. I also recently realized that I have major trust issues and my emotions of inadequacy will still get the better of me, I usually get to where I can't breathe and want to run hide. Thank you for this video. We tend to think we're abnormal, and we really are, but not in the same sense we think. I have three other siblings and we all have different outlooks and lives. I use to try to figure out why we were so different when we were all raised in the same house with the same morals. Then it hit me. No, we were not raised the same. They actually had different teachings than I did. We were all raised differently. And one of them is a terrible narcissist! A couple of years ago, I chose to have nothing to do with her. I was looking through some old photos I was going to give my children and old feelings of self-hatred came flooding in. I know we can heal. I just know we can. My husband is my rock and my safe zone. He will not let me go to my mothers without someone else being with me. He doesn't trust her. Thank you again for this video. It has come at a time that I really need to know that all will be okay on this healing journey and that I am not wicked or evil for choosing to distance myself. I really appreciate you. Thank you again! May God deeply Bless you!
It is so true.
Grew up with a narc. mother.
74 today.
I struggled with almost all the issues, you mention.
I feel at peace now, but mostly when I'm alone.
I've learned to set boundaries and speak my mind. I don't blame myself for everything anymore, nor allow others to blame me unrightfully.
If I make mistakes, I brush it off and try to do better.
One thing I still struggle with is eye contact. And it's the first time I hear it mentioned as a consequence of narc. abuse.
In my teens I realized, i couldn't look into peoples eyes when they spoke to me.
I would get confused and couldn't understand what they said. I had to look at their mouth to get what they said.
I can look people in the eyes now,but I have to think about it. I don't do it automatically.
I wonder if someone can develop social anxiety disorder due to a narcissist parent or parents. I have it and I don't feel comfortable talking in a group setting or even 1 on 1. I have fear of being scrutinized or rejected and would rather keep my mouth shut.
Me, too. I get it. Sometimes I don't even stand up for myself when I should. I am afraid no one will believe me, because I wasn't believed in my family of origin. They usually assumed the worst and hardly ever gave me the benefit of (their) doubts.
Yes, is possible. Child abuse is a risk factor for that
I was diagnosed by a Psychologist with general anxiety disorder & residual PTSD.
I was just about to write that it can have absolutely everything to do with social anxiety... ANY anxiety disorder, as abuse is trauma and trauma creates post traumatic stress. And I think this is important to recognize the connection of that. Thank you to @MrAgmoore who shared his dual Dx of "general anxiety disorder & residual PTSD" in his comment.
@@MrAgmoore Thank you for sharing your dual Dx of "general anxiety disorder & residual PTSD" as I am becoming more aware of those connections.
At the age of 77 years, I still struggle with life as a result of being raised by two narcissists (both parents)! It’s painful to think back to how having narcissistic parents made me grow into adulthood unable to recognise who I really am. It’s only in recent years I’ve figured out why I have such an unfortunate personality and have lived a lifetime with very poor mental health!
My father is a narcissist, my mother is an enabler. My father taught me I was worth nothing and my mother taught me I shouldn't defend myself. As a result I developed anxiety and OCD, and I lack any self esteem. I have many of these mannerisms. I'm in my early 40s and I have decided not to have partners or children to avoid hurting them. I know it's the right decision but god, I feel so lonely!!
But you are self aware and know what your problems lead you to do. I'm sorry you feel so insignificant and/or not needed. Why not try just making some friends with the same interests? There is somebody out there for everybody, and you sound a caring soul. I wish you well ❤
Identifying the problem is the first step towards solving it. I'm 69 and most of my progress towards recovery took place when I was in my 50s. Of course I still have traits but I became more self-empowered around boundaries and standing up for myself.
Also, I think people who have been damaged by narcissism rarely treat others that way and often go to the other extreme.
💙
No children for me either. No way was I risking treating my kids the way my parents treated me. Plus, I knew I had mental issues.
At times I wish I had children because it can be lonely. But I remind myself that I ended generational abuse. It ended with me.
I did the opposite. I was always alone. Felt alone even when I wasn't. I have 6 children under 12yo. I am a good mother. I love my children more than anything. I will NOT be my parents. I do still feel alone. My husband helps a lot. I don't have friends, can't speak in a group, anxiety when at a mall... If I didn't have my kids, I'd have nothing to wake up for.
I've experienced some of this, but fortunately have been able to do self discovery and healing. My sister however, is still plagued by much of what you listed. She is a "pleaser" and I dont think she knows her authentic self, it's sad what narc parents do to us. Thank you Mr. Wise. ❤
Every. Single. One. I relate to everything he said. The hardest part for me right now is the rage I feel for my current and past self.
Being the fixer is another one I still suffer at 63 if someone has a problem I find myself trying to solve it. Recently one of my subs talked about his insurance being expensive I started right away gathering insurance companies I've seen online then I said what are you doing he's online let him find his own.
@@EstelleStarElizabeth never a fixer, but I never sell my old stuff and just give it away. It could be a $2000 TV and I'm like, here you go.
I read the book codependent no more. Once I realized what the word meant (being a fixer) and started working on that it is weird in a good way now when I notice.
This was eye opening!! 9/10 met me and I am now aware of the emotional abuse I thought was just my mother being in a bad mood.
The largest damage by far is that i donot know who i am ,or what i want or my needs , and an intrinsic disconnect with my inner true self. I donot know what i like or despise , i am unable to decide or move forward because i can never be sure. I also have a perfectionist attitude due to fear of failure and judgement and keep procrastinating .
It is as if someone has stolen myself from me and only an outine remains .
Setting boundaries late was one of the hardest thing I had to experience!
Yep, my mother always making me feel bad if did notI sleep in her bedroom and left her alone (my father and her had separate bedrooms). Wtf, so weird, it was his job. No wonder I cannot set boundaries. It had not been developed in me. Weirdly I thought at the time it was because they cared for me more than my sister, telling me I was the spoiled one for attention when it was her (and my father during the day) who seemed to enjoy themselves walking all over me. My sister was perfectly fine living by herself in her “tower bedroom” , with my parents shyly knocking on her door. Not sure why she got all the respect and I got zilch, and my self respect went out the window with it.
Defensive over explaining yes. Difficulty with boundaries. Decision fatigue/overwhelm. Feeling generally not liked or wanted (other than to be used or get perks from me) or insignificant. Still a bit of a battle with my wants/who to be vs what I “should” want or be like. Give too much. Let others slack on effort towards me.
Had trouble with several more of these but I have gotten way better with those (apologizing, not standing up for myself/getting bullied). Reactivity.
Jeez. every symptom on your list 😥 still on my healing journey
This is excellent thank you -I missed the funeral of my great grandmother unable to stand up for myself to medical director …so ridiculous it was abuse but I was programmed not to stand up for myself …being a physician didn’t change this still had no ability to stand up for myself
This made so much sense to me. I've never seen a channel about narcissism break it down like this before.
My parent always called me nuisance growing up..if i hear that word it cuts me deeply…i have had to have my own family not use it around me….i never felt seen, i still dont
No apology but I feel GUILTY for things I had nothing to do with and was no where close to.
Me too. ❤
I've developed those mannerism and was mocked by my mom for it. Narcs are impossible to coexist with
This is me l needed to hear this life has been hard thank you
It's amazing how many of these behaviors I exhibit even though my parents were covert narcissists who were never physically abusive and didn't yell much. I still developed the habit of endlessly apologizing and most of the rest.
Same here. But now I’m wondering if I’m a covert narcissist.
@@No_auto_toon I don't believe that you are. If you are wondering about it, that means you are concerned because you care. By caring, you can pay attention to things and fix what doesn't seem right. Narcissistic people DON'T care at all. They feel nothing for other people. Deep down, YOU are a sensitive and valuable person. Peace and love to you! Take care. ☕🔥❤
I was bad at sports, and I had no interest in cars or bikes or anything else that was important to my father. The only way I ever earned my parents' approval was by doing well at school. I was closely monitored, and frequently belittled and punished or ignored. But as long as my grades were high, I knew my parents were happy with me. Now I'm 24 and there is no more school. That thing I tied my whole self-worth to doesn't exist anymore. I feel very lost.
George, if I may .... what do you like? Music? Get an instrument and some lessons. Electronics? Get involved in robotics.
Throw yourself into your work; become the very best at what you do
Volunteer....lots of non-profits need help. Perhaps Volunteer for a sport/music/organization that is completely new to you. I am on a non profit board and believe me, we would love more enthusiastic helpers even if they are complete noobs.
@@suran396 i must disagree with throwing self into work, this is not a balanced direction, it is only replacing the addiction of over pleasing, perfectionism.
George, it is going to take time. You are also going to need to find some solid support to help you navigate your way out of people pleasing and being an approval junkie.
You sound just like me. I played the school game for approval and to keep my dad off my back. I hated school but, you would never know by looking at my grades. Good grades allowed me to stay out of the house away from my dad (the narc) and my mom (the enabler). However, I did not know that my dad is a narc and my mom is an enabler back then. I learned that when I chose to go to therapy at the age of 29.
I am glad to hear that you did not have anything in common with your dad as far as hobbies. He would've used them against you in a sick narcissistic way. My dad did. I was into karate, my dad joined in and then used what he learned to punish me and my siblings. As soon as I was old enough to walk away from karate, I did so, I could escape my dad.
To this day, I regret having to walk away from karate but, I had to so I could preserve myself.
I also was training in dance and when I karate, I embraced dance even more and it was a safe space for me because my dad wanted nothing to do with that.
I also worked as early as I could to be out of the house and save up money. I started work at age 14.
The Lord provided me with the most wonderful husband at age 20. He encouraged me to go to therapy and I finally went when I was 29. The therapist was so helpful. She helped me understand what I was dealing with. She helped me navigate my way out of being an approval junkie/people pleaser. She helped me set boundaries. She helped me find my voice. She helped me in so many ways. My husband has been and is an incredible support in my recovery.
Invest in yourself, healing is there for you. You can have a well adjusted life regardless of childhood.
Everything is a season, a phase, temporary...These can be long or short and it depends on multiple variables as well as your choice of perspective for the outcomes.
I ultimately have no contact with my dad. I may bump into him at a gathering once a year. I have no emotional ties to him thanks to the mourning/grieving of my dad that my therapist led me through. I see him as the man my mom is married to but there is no bearing on me. I am civil but I do not engage in conversations with him.
I did forgive him and my mom. I believe that is best for my outcome and perspective. This also allows me to not have any guilt regarding them and my choice to stay away.
I pray all the best for you.
I am 46 now, married to my soul mate for 26 years and we have two wonderful kids that are now young adults (like you). We are a very happy, healthy, close and loving family.
I share this to give you hope. ❤️💯🙏🏼
@@autumngrace8541 depends on your job. Sounds to me like you're in the wrong one. And I've got news for you. If avoiding a win is your pushback against your inner Demons, you'd better get different Demons or plan for a life of failure.
The only time I had any value to my parents was when I was productive and my productivity was beneficial to them. Other than that, I was worthless.
I hit every one of these. My mother passed when I was 12 and my father was abbsentee. I raised my baby brother and my older brother kind of disassociated. My father was NEVER happy with what I did. Never said he was proud of me for straight A's, a 4 year college scholarship etc. And when he did speak to me it was either to criticize or make me help him do heavy work. No physical abuse. Oddly it never really caused me major issues until he passed away. I am in therapy and it has helped so much. I still have to unlearn these habits.
Ohhhh… so sad to hear you..feeling it. Very glad you did not get troubled earlier AND have support now!