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This is crucial for me both are nearing their seventies and it is getting too evil and childish. Thank you very much Dr. Wise. My mother knows listen t you and she even mocked you by minimizing your positive influence in my life. Meh, it is one ear and one out the other. Yes, they play on the sociocultural axiology to play the higher moral ground and this is why my father threw a 360 by saying: let see how things will be when I die? As if…. (sigh) Basically all of the tactics that you asserted here Dr. Wise, my parents have done to me on a regular basis especially with my sister a s golden child archetype.
You can never get your family of origin "out of" you. Uncovering your true self is your mission, but it involves forgiving your family of origin as a path to discerning loving boundaries. Your family is what the universe gave you for your growth in this incarnation. We are not on this earth merely for material and hedonic pleasure. That is an empty, shallow path. This worldview creates terminally adolescent whiners. Those who spot it got it. (If narcissism is your obsession, you may be the nnarcissist too.)
We were allowed to go out with friends with minimal rules. Then we say no wonder we are rebellious. We were not allowed to go out of our parents eyesight. Then we say no wonder we became rebellious, Who is right?
I hear you loud and clear. She's still alive, but that's how I feel when I cry now. As tho time's run out, and she's still horrible. I'm sorry for what you've endured. I hope you have abundant peace and joy now.
My mean narc mom died January 29, 2024 a day before my birthday and I haven't shed one tear. At first I thought there was something wrong with me for not grieving but I've been grieving her my whole life and now there are no more tears left.
I grieved the mother and grandmother I wish I and my kids had. She's still alive but if she passes I won't visit her grave or cry but rather will carry on living my own life to the fullest
I wish I had the wisdom to do that years ago. I moved abroad when I was 19. I felt free in a good way. 2 years later I went for a short visit and without knowing, I was trapped. Deacades later when my mother died I felt a relief. My parents left a lot of mess for us to deal with, some of which I am still dealing with now 10 years after their death.
I walked away as well. Got tired of being kicked off of her will repeatedly. She thought she could manipulate me with her will like it was a carrot above my nose. I was appalled and insulted. I told her I was 100% NOT interested in inheriting anything. Now, she talks about what she's going to leave my daughters and husband to inherit. Trying to control a family member with money is cheap and vulgar.
When somebody try to make me feel like shit, I used to show him that his opinion doesn't matter to me and then make him feel like shit in more sophisticated way. It works great with narcissistic people. I really don't like to be like that, but I'm doing it from respect to myself.
My God same here.. except I get the WE version. We did everything for You. I could write a book. Brutal stuff. Continues to this day. They are in some weird competition with me? 😔
“After all I’ve sacrificed for you, I think I ought to have the right to expect…” The day I asked myself “What did she actually, practically, ever sacrifice willingly for me?”, I came up with nothing.
My mom's last words at her death bed... "I forgive you son for disappointment me and abandoning me". I didn't abandon her; I simply grew up and she didn't forgive me for leaving home and going to college.
Good for you. You lived your life. She was selfish . Let those words roll off your back like water. The person that was mandated to protect you was the one you needed protecting from. You did good. You got away. It's a wake up call to everyone who has a narcissist parent. Go no contact and stay no contact. You're free my friend. You did nothing wrong. It's her fault not yours. Enjoy every breath . Enjoy you your life. Stay happy.
My mother has attempted to prevent me from growing up. Still. And I'm 34. She makes me think she only loved me when I was her little girl she could control. She hates that I think for myself.
@@mags_9532 Yep. They want us to raise them and in order to do that they have to keep control. When my mom lost control of me, I was dead to her. Sorry you have experienced this as well.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Good for you getting out of the house instead of becoming her lackey. Her unkindness & dislike of me informed my parenting: I parented my dear children they way I wanted to be parented & loved. Thankfully, I have a good relationship with my (now) adult children, who are good, kind people.
When my mother died, I felt the biggest relief of my life. I didn’t cry before or during the funeral. I was saddened that the mother I wanted and needed would never be.
@@Panicscroll69 : People think I'm a sociopath when I say this: "I very much look forward to the death of my parents" It's impossible for a person who has been blessed with loving parents to fathom just how evil some parents can be. There was never a bond, nor any love, between my parents and me. As a child, they literally told me they hate me. I am the result of failed birth control, so even as a baby my mother's rejected me. People do not realize just how damaging this is for a child.
My mother is still alive, but I've thought about the future a lot and I imagine I would feel the same way you do. I feel nothing for her. Her death would probably hit me with the reality that I will never have a real mother and therefore I will sob.
Same. I cried more when my husband's ex died than I did with my mother. It was a relief too. No more judgment. No more making me feel like I wasn't good enough because I didn't go to church. I love my mother but she put me through hell. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I was her punching bag. She took her frustrations out on me because I was different. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive. I'm trying so hard. I luckily never treated my daughter the same way. I stopped the cycle. Years of generational abuse had to stop with someone. I'm so thankful I didn't turn out like her.
My frail 86 year old Narc Mom refuses to go to assisted living, or get home health care. Instead - she wants me to abandon my job/home/husband and move across the country to be her care taker. She has absolutely no concern that this would put my finances in jeopardy and place a strain on my marriage. When I said "no", she stopped talking to me. Now I understand ... the girl child was supposed to remain a spinster so she could be mothers slave in her later years. Just...wow.
yep! that's what narc mothers do. they don't care about your life or your happiness. they only care about themselves. as the spinster who is struggling in the family I'm in that very situation now...living with this toxic woman who is preventing me from working a job ever since my car died (she owns 2 cars btw). i'm not allowed to borrow one of her cars to work a job. she doesn't want me to become independent b/c she wants me to live with her and cater to her even though she's totally healthy. she said to me "you owe me. i raised you. you need to take care of me" and my siblings....all 5 are doing exceptionally well in life...they all drive bmw's and mercedes' and own multiple homes...all of them do nothing but put me down for struggling and they say "well, you live with her, you need to take care of her." they all cater to her in their own ways but do not invite her to live with them. gee, i wonder why? and it's convenient for all of them to not help me become independent (not that i want their help) because it would mean they would have to help her more plus they love bullying me and putting me down. they are all insecure and toxic. my body and spirit are ready to get out of here and move on. just don't know how. Anyway, stick to your guns. Keep your distance. Maintain those boundaries and do NOT let your mother guilt you into taking care of her! She will never respect your needs.
Hold firm, Nona - I know people who have been guilted into the spinster/slave lifestyle and their lives have been a kind of hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. You're really brave and strong to be able to see the situation for what it is - and choose yourself and your marriage!
What you write here is identical to what happened in my family. It was a total shock to my parents when I married at the age of 50. Then they banned him from their home, and told me I was welcome to visit them, but without him. No Contact since 2020. It’s upsetting still, as they are both 81 and I’m an only child. As you wrote, “Just…wow.” I’m sorry you have to experience this! 🤗
“REMEMBER: we never owe our parents anything. Any owing or gratitude should be based on the quality of the relationship …. not because they fed you etc which is a basic legal requirement”. Spot on.
I’ve never given the first thought to the word “ owing” my parents, rather the love they gave & mutual respect back, do they not deserve that, called a play on words if believe that’s called “owed”… a wrong projection that should be redefined
Two days ago my 80yr old parents told me I wasn’t agreeable or sociable with them and that I wasn’t welcome around anymore. I was so relieved, finally released from the narcissists
My mother is narcissist. I learned to not argue with her. I choose my battles. If she gets angry I ignore her. If she starts to criticize I pretend to be busy.
Hearing hurtful comments will affect your mental health and she will find another ways to make you unhappy as much as she can. Please cut contact if you can. If you can’t then try spreading all your time away from home and don’t tell her anything about your life. Anything you say will be used against you.
I’m 40 and I really think I always expected my mom to grow out of it. This has hit me really hard for some reason. But seeing these comments by others with similar parents have really helped my heart in a way I can’t explain.
I think we have to get away from truisms...like, all old people are sweet and lovable...they are not....my mil can play the nice little ol lady like the best of them, but we know differently....she's not evil, just totally self absorbed.
Oh man, coming away from your other video with my long-winded comment and wanting to believe in my perceived accomplishments of having healed quite a bit, now I feel stupid.... Wow, this hit home like a mothereffin' bomb shell! So I'm more than relieved to hear you mention self care as crucial.... in my case I feel like replacing self care with something closer to critical self defense and self preservation! (after all, they left me alone at a hospital two weeks old and there was a chance I could've died from malnutrition and the doctors fighting to keep anything in me which ultimately forced them to tube-feed me for weeks on end so they wouldn't lose me.... guess, it's about o.k. to leave them in the care of those professionals in the nursing home now as well, isn't it? Hell, yeah, it is!) Anyway... for whatever it's worth: If not already the first video, then this one for sure made it abundantly clear that you know what you're talking about and walk your talk at the same time. After much poor quality "therapeutic interventions" from people who very apparently had little to zero idea whom and what they were dealing with, I'd have to make it a prerogative now for anyone working in the field of assisting others with the manifold life challenges that at the very least they had a taste themselves of the medicine they administer. You, Sir, do if I may be so bold to say. Thanks again! (even though this here was a humdinger, I have to say, wow and then some....)
Same! I always hold out hope for that special moment when my covert mother and my absent father will choose to acknowledge all the pain they've caused and give me a sense of unconditional love and regret. It's been a long hard road to reconcile that I will not be receiving that from either of them. The turmoil of the past is my own personal torch to carry and no one is coming to rescue me from it. It feels like there will never be closure if you arent given that "deathbed" acknowledgement of your pain. I'm sorry to every child reading this that also will never get that moment of repentance. You ARE loved. You ARE enough. You ARE a precious gift. I hope you find your tribe and I wish I could hug your inner child. ❤
It took me 59 years to figure out my mother is a narcissist. I always acknowledged she was selfish, it was Her World and I’m just here to cater to her. I didn’t know it had a real label and diagnosis.
Never feel guilty when you look forward to their passing. It's not being viscous or hateful attitude towards mom or dad, it's the start of your total freedom. Passing of mom can be bitter sweet. Sorry for the past, sweet for future
When my sociopathic narc father croaked...We got out the party hats & confetti because we understood and ultimately had accepted who he was and we realized we'd be better off without the drama/abuse.
Funny...even as a child I wished my Mom was dead..not because I hated her, but I just felt she had to go... Today, I am the family scapegoat, far away from my family and my siblings, extended family included are stewing in their own toxic juices and they eye me once in awhile for not participating in the energy sucking rabbit hole...
Funny...even as a child I wished my Mom was dead..not because I hated her, but I just felt she had to go... Today, I am the family scapegoat, far away from my family and my siblings, extended family included are stewing in their own toxic juices and they eye me once in awhile for not participating in the energy sucking rabbit hole...
The three of us rejoiced when dna-dad passed in 05. The bonus surprise is that COVERT Malignant Sadistically CATHOLIC "MoMster" & Narc older sibling openly abuse me now.@@malwads1836
@@mbi9005 I can tell that you are not balanced. I have an elderly narc father and am also a parent to three children. One of them is an adult. This oldest child is not very happy with me right now. Even though that is the case I have never had a hateful thought about him nor do I think I am entitled to anything from him. I love him and always want the best for him. I cannot imagine any healthy normal parent being "grateful to die to get away from a hateful child". That is a sad and emotionally immature way of thinking.
It is even worse in some cultures where the burden of taking care of the parents falls in its entirety on the daughters and granddaughters when the inheritance goes to the sons and their children!!!
Started 3 months ago. Looking back at the drama and gaslighting they did in our last interaction feels like a year ago. I started reading again and eating healthier, sleeping at night and studying interesting subjects. Sending all of you love Proud of you
@@cptmorrigan1995 don’t feel sad or guilty about it. Our brains tend to remember only the good moments when we cut people off from our lives. Same thing happens when you miss a toxic ex. Just know that what you long for is an illusion you created when you were small. Like if I only was better my mom will be better to me. She won’t and she never was. The fact that you can file a restraining order against her says it all. If I went to the police with the stuff my mom did to me they will tell me to get over it and won’t do anything that is because she two faces snake 🐍. Please know that I care for you and that you are not alone. The happy family illusion hunt everyone, but such family rarely exists. Don’t ever feel bad you took a brave step never go back and look at all the options you can go for now that the one who constantly feed off your self esteem is finally gone. Your options are almost limitless. Go out find new friends who can see you for who you are and not what your mom made you believe to be.
@tamara AMEN. This is such an important topic and so very rarely addressed. Which is truly remarkable because in this age, this time, there are more and more elderly people. For some Narcissist survivors, they have help of assisted living for their parents, or siblings who live nearby. And for some people they have only themselves to care for their parent(s). I was 50 when I learned about what the conditions name was, my parent was already living across the street from me for over 10 years. Now, I am 62, my parent in the mid 80’s. Caretaking is constant, my family’s true life has been minimized. Painful. So painful, yet there’s no reasonable way to alter living arrangements, (financially), and no loving way to change the way things are.
@@JessWicked Your last sentence sums up the situation for so many folks. Times have changed and people are living longer than before, but expectations have largely remained the same. It's just really tough, and i wonder what's going to happen to us when we get to that elder point if we've spent all of our energy and resources caring for our parents. And when they're narc on top of it, it's like an extra insult. i wish you peace with your situation.
I think Mr Wise talks about topics that others missed, but are very important for us to learn and reflect on! Espec that Scapegoat stuff that’s so painful and only this Doc talks about! It helped me find closure with that and understand WHY I was targeted! This is a great channel!
@@Juke582 i so agree about Jerry and this channel, and i also agree with you about scapegoating. Being the scapegoat is no fun, i hope you've found some peace and healing from that.
Because they are literally children living in adult bodies and they don't introspect. They just feed off of other people, things and their environment.
I cut all contact with my narcissistic parents long time ago. I don’t need their money, I can earn my own - thank you. Best decision ever. So incredibly freeing ❤.
Good for you! I make my own money too. Never had a penny from them and have managed ust fine. I've got nothing to thank them for and they have no hold over me.
You're mother is horrible, So is mine! Don't fixate on nothing. We can't change who they are, We can only change who we're going to be. Pursue greatness.
Most people did not have an ideal mother or father.. Someone was a Narcissist or maybe both parents. . People went along with " the program" pretending because we were supposed to ... Don't be fooled.
I can totally relate. I am a florist and I make arrangements all day for wonderful moms and then feel obligated to visit mine afterwards when I am exhausted. Add to that, my birthday occasionally falls on Mother’s Day too, ( I am a mom too) but we celebrate her. Ugh.
My mom is 101, and it feels like I am in the movie Groundhog...it will never end. I live 3 states away and go to visit one week a month. The blessing is my brother and I now try to visit together. She still wants to be in control, but her rages have decreased. I visit and treat her kindly because that is how I would want to be treated. I don't want to live with regrets.
That’s a huge commitment. I hope your mother is a nice lady. Living without regrets also means you put your needs first to look after you. It includes setting boundaries. You are worthy of your own respect and love.
You will be glad you did this afterward because no matter WHAT she has done to you, you did the right thing-it’s freeing! Mine did about as much as one could ever do to hurt a child but I have no regrets for my role-hang in there-you will be free one day-I wish you well!
Mine is 98 and in a long stay hospital ward. I’ve been going every day but it was too much for me, so now I have given myself permission to go 5 out of 7 days a week. I feed her and I bring her treats but she just cries and cries and wants to come live with me. I have a disabled husband at home and I work part time so I’m thankful she’s being looked after, even if she only wants me (only ever wanted me). If I chat to other visitors or other patients she gets so mad and jealous. Nothing changes but at least the cruel words are much less these days.
I'm 30 and because of certain mental illnesses I've decided not to have children and people take MY decision so personally. My grandmother repeatedly tells me to have kids so I have someone to take care of me when I get old. I just can't deal with that mindset. I already told my parents they're going in a home when they get older. If I had to parent myself growing up I don't see why I have to owe them anything.
Had I known about future mental illness, I would not have had children. First, because my depression made me a terrible parent. Second, fear of passing on my genes and behavioral patterns
or for kicking your a@@, cursing you out, degrading you at every given opportunity, denying you a high school education, having just enough clothes to cover your body, walking to elementary school, with holes in your shoes IN THE WINTER, being told to turn a trick when you need the basic things in life, always half hungry, and so MUCH MORE. wHEN i GOT OUT OF THAT HOUSE OF HORRORS, I REALIZED THAT YOUR HELL CAN BE RIGHT HERE ON EARTH.
But what if they gave me more? I still live at home at 40. They could use this as "we cared for you for 40 years. Now you don't want to care for us when we're getting older?" It would be blackmail. I'm the family scapegoat and an empath and slighty autistic. What to do there, any tips?
@@shairaptor1865you absolutely need to move out. That is their plan, to keep you there longer than you should have stayed so they can use it for their benefit later. I stayed way too long living with my parents and I regret every minute. You need to become independent, you can do it even if they try to make you feel like you can’t.
They also get clothes and are provided with group activities and hobbies like gardening are provided and encouraged. Orphanages provide the basics- food, water, shelter, clothing transportation, activities. So a birth parent providing those and nothing more except bday and Christmas gift, while also actively getting in the way, is absolutely the bare legal minimum.
@@CovaRevival Thanks for your reply! I am emotionally and financially dependent from them. I want to move out, to have my first own apartment. But alone it's too difficult, they guilt trip me. And what if they blackmail me or make revenge? Like "If you move out now, then we will tell everybody "xyz" and give your computer data from your laptop to anybody" or whatever else? I'm really stuck here. Psychotherapy is a good idea, but even for that I'm shy, I have phone phobia, etc. But I'll make it. How did you move out if I may ask, how did you make it?
As a child of narcissistic parents, I teach my daughter who is 7 to NOT suffer through abuse or mistreatment from other people no matter who it is family friends etc. She has such a forgiving loving kind pure spirit, but I teach her that it’s CRITICAL to have/set boundaries with people and distance herself from those who mistreat her and be strong. ❤
You are an amazing mom. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Appreciate her kindness and not thinking of her as weak, but others as the problem. As someone with a mom that act constantly as a toddler or a spoiled teenager. You are truly mature.
I wish my mom was like you I was kindhearted and loving person since childhood but she abuse me physically and emotionally I'm 31 year's old I still with her enmeshed with her I struggle all my life in my drug's and gambling I also attracted to toxic people 😢 I'm now planning to leave I have small job and I'm saving to leave
Leave and you will not be alone. God is always with you, even and especially in your suffering. May you find peace, healing and the love you deserve in Christ Our Lord. 🙏🏻
I worked in hospice for many years, and sometimes I'd have a student or colleague speak critically of some adult child of a patient that was refusing to be involved. I'd remind them that we only know the patient for about 6 months and have no idea what kind of parent they were, therefore we can't judge. I'm going to be one of those adult children; my mother has gotten more narcissistic with old age, and while I'll make sure she's taken care of I will not be the one doing the caring.
My therapist stated it was in my best interest to not care for them, but I was more than welcome to visit them as often or as long as I wished when they’re under someone else’s care.
@@sarahhamelinck6503 That makes sense. It makes a difference when you're able to leave as you need to. Two hours is my max rn, and I'm sure that will hold when my mother needs care. She has it in her head that she'll move in with me when that time comes, but I refuse to do that to myself.
@@beaucarbary5619 That's exactly my situation too. No matter how many times I tell my Mom I will not take care of her. She stays in denial and thinks I'll change my mind or some magical thing will happen. I had lunch with her today and that was so much easier than a full day with her. But she still managed to complain to the waitress as usual. ughh
It’s like we have to now somehow be expected to sacrifice our own lives for them in their elderly years ……. But they weren’t even there for us whatsoever as little children. Bizarre 😂
@@debwhite6228communities like this help me remember. It is so painful to not have real parents, sometimes I feel like I must be in the wrong. I am not. I just feel so much more than they do. And that’s okay! Empathy is beautiful
@@curiouslittlefrog It is extremely painful and empathy is something that they will never ever have. You cannot live a truly fulfilling life without it…….that’s their karma as they never will. So even though it’s terribly painful for us, I would still rather be us than them. Plus you have recognised it and crawled your way out of it despite all of it. You need to congratulate yourself that you’ve not turned into them. That’s an amazing accomplishment in itself honestly as you’ve broken the cycle ……. Many don’t as they do then turn into them and therefore repeat this abusive cycle ❤️
@@debwhite6228 thank you so much for saying this, it made my day easier and I actually got up and did what I needed to do! I had been stuck in the past all morning. Thank you so much!!
I moved abroad and cut all ties with my narcissistic parents. They still try to hurt me by being in canopy with my narcissistic ex husband. I will not attend their funeral. I said my goodbyes years ago. They have been nothing but cruel, ungrateful and mean. They don’t deserve my time. In my healing process I’ve come to understand why they are, who they are. It was hard to make peace with the fact that I’ll never have real parents or that they will love me. Radical acceptance provided inner peace and closure.
This takes so much strength to do. I know, I had to do the same. It is against what you wish what could be and a realization of what is and saving yourself. from further harm at your families evil. It is sad.
Same. Nm tried that with my ex husband, but found out he only tolerated her antics as an avenue to disregulate me. hes not married to her daughter anymore, so has no use for her. Imagine her shock when she got shut down lmao
I actually had drunken abusive parents I also had to cut ties with, and it was among the BEST things I ever did Due to my circumstances, I didn't attend their funeral either because I didn't even know they died Mom really didn't have nothing, Dad was the one who provided everything for our family since he worked for Ford his whole life until he retired We lived off Dad until my rescue and then I became a ward of the state until I finally went through the process of Transitional Living into Independent Living while under a case manager who saw me through the process of eventually being turned completely loose in my community For a good number of years I was under case management until I was eventually doing so well I could safely be discharged When keeping case management appointments starts slowing you down, that's when you know it's just about time to wrap it up and move past the need for case management once you're a successfully blended into a normal society When you finally cut it off, that's when you can quickly thrive and flourish without any more need for case management Let me tell you, abuse survivors in particular can take years or decades to fully heal
I’m going through this right now with my 81yr old parents. It’s not easy. I have tried to be the daughter they expected but i finally broke from trying to juggle their household and mine. I finally told them I tried and I have no more I can give. I’m tired and burnt out. They told me they feel like I rejected them. I’m emotionally exhausted from them and their unhealthy choices and inability to change. This is the first time in a very long time that I’m standing up for myself.
I wish you strength and courage. Take care of you first, after all, they took care of themselves first all their lives, no?… then they should have planned their future nursing home, just like you planned a job, a house, a family - one your own.
I'm learning from my elderly parents how NOT to be what they are. They have made poor choices in life and expect others to compensate for it on the other end of their life because they refuse to own their poor choices. Can't happen, we are all only accountable to God for ourselves. Too bad they didn't get it for themselves, but we are not the fixers for them. Loving family also includes tough love and it must be applied when needed. Don't feel guilty to make decisions that protect yourself. No one should be allowed to cost you your health, all aspects of it. Sometimes, you have to take a breather and step away. It's ok. Doesn't mean we don't love or care, just means we are not allowing abuse to us. Prayers 🙏
@@yvonnemasters5078Yes, my husband and I say that we will not do this to our children. We even tell our teenage children that we will not do this to them as we age and if we do they are to remind us of our conversation. I want be the change to our family tree and stop the unhealthy generational behaviors.
I had to & for the last 9 years it's been the most peace I've ever known. I had to get 1000 miles away. She's 85 & my life has never been so calm, I'm learning to not be a doormat & am still healing. I thank God for this channel
I absolutely agree. I have found delivery service for gifts is also helpful. Can't bitch about me when I have sent the nicest gift(on purpose). Haven't seen them in a few years not even sure how many and don't give a rat's ass.
Before I turned 3, my father told my grandmother that one day I’ll grow up and push him around the house in a wheelchair, taking care of his needs. My grandmother promptly dismissed that with a “Please! She will be going on about her life!” Thank you Grandma, RIP
Same here. When my father died in 2016 I felt nothing but relief. Have been no-contact with mother for ten years. If you're wondering, no she didn't tell me my father had died. I suppose that was her way of lashing out at me for "abandoning" her. I found out on social media weeks after the funeral. Oh well.
I am an only child as well, and both my parents are narcissists.My parents are 93, and they may end up outliving me? I love them, and care about them, and do what I can to help them out. But it has taken a toll on my mental, and physical health. I’ll be glad when it’s all over.
😳 Wow! I am 61yrs Old & I just always thought my mother was a mental patient 🤦🏻♀️. I could never pinpoint exactly what was wrong with her. She’s a Narcissist!!! I’ve been enlightened 🙏🏻
So true …. People observing do not realize your parent has been “ill “ with something since you were a child and whatever you did then wasn’t enough and it still isn’t enough -thank you
Thank you. It was important for me to listen to this message. My sister and I will soon retire. After 3 years taking care of our father and 5 taking care of our Mother, with no help or support from our 2 brothers, mother doesn't want to move to a nursing home where she can have the proper care she already needs being 93. She doesn't care if we are already exausted, 8 years with no vacations. She doesn't care for our health issues. So, now it's the time to take care of ourselves.
I just discovered who my mother really is in 2022. I am 57 year old. I am upset at myself for allowing her to manipulate me most of my life. She convinced me that some members of the family were selfish and bad. I believed her. I discovered the truth and how twisted she can be. Now, I see through her. She only has her tongue left functioning and boy it is a loaded weapon.
You didn't know what you didn't know. Just think they're children of narcissistic parents that died still not knowing who they were dealing with and blaming themselves. I understand you wanting to have known this sooner. I felt the same way. But I feel like we all knew something wasn't right our assumptions just weren't validated until now. Knowledge is power. Now that you know protect your peace.
I never got to know any of my relatives because I hated them as I was taught. They are all dead now. My living nephews and nieces think I’m a monster in exactly the same way. I haven’t seen my nieces and nephews in 10 years. (thats how bad they think I am 😮)
I used to think that my abusive brothers were the problem. Until I found out that my mom give all her money to them and trash talk me. That explained so much. Now I know from where they got the nerve to beat me and walk as nothing happened. Because mommy dearest will never punish them and she is low key happy because she is jealous that my father loves me. I am a nerd and my father is a nerd too. I always said she was my step mom not my mom.
It was hard to watch your video. It was like re-living a nightmare. My father lived to be 98. I took care of him for 16 years. He was mean to me and my 2 sibling just dumped him on me and then went on living their lives. I was there when he died and his last words to me were cruel. Too bad he did that because now those words are what I think of when I think of him. Your video made me feel like crying even tho he's been gone 8 years. Now I'm free and happy. No one calls me names anymore..
I feel your pain. I'm 52 and my narc bipolar father messed me up. I've told other family members the happiest day of my life will be when God finally calls him home. I hope you're having a wonderful life now.
@@bright2915 Thank you for your kindness. And YES I'm having a peaceful life.I'm the only one in my family still living. No one to be mean to me anymore. Hope I get a few more years. I wish you peace and joy too,
@@jerrywise Could you please do a video on when the elderly parents tries to guilt you back after no contact and the family monkeys are being recruited for backup? How do you hold strong? I keep telling myself "You'll only be feed in several different ways, don't do it" But damn, the guilt is still there.
@@GenXHeart same thing is happening to me! it´s so stressful and upsetting :( I ´politely but firmly´ told the flying monkeys (sisters) I won´t be in touch with them; and narc mum can email me directly (I haven´t spoken in 10 years, live abroad). Now blocked both sisters. Cut off their flying monkeys and pre-empt any new flying monkeys they might recruit. I had to legitimately make a war map with post-its! Don´t fall for the gaslighting, manipulation, guilt-trips or insanity. Narc mum has silently retreated now, you see how weak and pathetic they are once they can´t access those puppet strings anymore. Just pre-empt any potential retaliations and move like a ninja in the night... don´t have a big explosion or anger outburt; they want that too. Ooof it´s so hard, but this strategy does work!
My mom had little to do with me. I grew up alone at the mercy of a crazy father who had anger issues, he exploded often and took it out on me. My mom did nothing to protect me. It's sad I never really had a mom. She was a math teacher and always looked after her students, except for the one needing her the most. Christ healed me of all of trauma. I'm so thankfull.
That is sad but you shouldn’t blame your mother for your father actions. She didn’t protect you yes, but your father was the abuser. Your mom was cruel and unkind to you yes that is true but please accept that your father was the worst. You need to hold him accountable so you can heal completely. I got constantly abused by my 3 big brothers. My mom let it happen to an extent then they began hitting her too. That when I realised my mom cannot protect me from them even if she wants to.
@@MC-vd5kpChrist is not an it just as you are not an it. Jesus has said He knocks at the door. He seeks and He also waits to be invited in. He loves us with an everlasting love and will help us when we ask.
It's like we are all talking about the same person. It's actually insane when you think about how predictable and similar they are once you know what they are.
Anyone who can abuse a child is not someone I want to be around, whether that child was me or not. She can age, cry, try to make me feel guilty, but I will not care if a child abuser's fee-fees are hurt and I will not allow myself to be manipulated by a child abuser.
Woooow - i Never even THOUGHT of it like that! THANK YOU. It's so so SO ...FACTUAL... Wish I could have learned this years ago... And NOW: i pray this knowledge becomes a BELIEF and a MORAL/value/etched into my entire being....
Yes! My mother forgets her schemes n makes herself look like the liar tht she is!! I found my earrings and my sneakers in a closet I was like wtf? She literally stole from me and she can't even fit my sneakers. She's stolen so much then turned around and lied abt it, she is so pitiful! Like wtf are u doing with my things? N what else do you have? 😳 Creepy azz
The way he talks about living with a narcissistic parent is actually comforting. Most people don’t know what it’s like and I’m glad finally someone understands. I found these tips helpful.
Who are these people that have the authority to opine on our familial relationships? Id carry around a hand mirror in my pocket book if I were you, hold it right up in their face when that neck gets to flapping about what you "ought" to be doing. Audacity might be at an all time high but I could give a rats ass.
I'm 47 years old, used to talk to my mom on the daily, we were actually pretty close up until last year when I discovered she's a covert narcissist and explained to her how that has been bringing me down for the last 20 years of my life. She decided to leave my house in which she was vacationing at the time and no longer contacts me. 🤘 So be it. I cannot control another's behavior but I can definately control my own.
Yeah I think my mom is a covert one too. It came to a head as I was going into my mid and late 20s and my fiance and I werent letting her narcissistic boyfriend just abuse us quietly like she wanted. I have no idea why she wants abusive partners but we were not obligated to suffer through it. Especially not when it turned physical and she proved she had no qualms about him threatening to ☠️ us.
I hope you keep knowing your worth. At the same time I hope you get to say your piece, establish boundaries and have some sort of relationship somehow someway♥️
Ha ha. That sounds silly. I know my mom isn't perfect, but I am still cordial and respectful with her. I won't tell her all her imperfections in her face. That's for me to know. And she gets as far with me as I let her without me needing to cut her out of my life. I have come to accept her, the good and the bad. When she leaves this earth, I will have no regrets. I did my part regardless of her faults. I myself was no perfect child. No child is perfect, why would I expect my parents to be perfect.
My mother has always acting as child, an evil one. She have ruin my entire life.She is a covert narc , but the worst part is no one believes me..I can't even find words for how much pain I am in..
Both my parents are like that. They taught me a very negative outlook on life. My family accepts their bad behavior and treats me badly for leaving. I just want to be treated like a valuable human. But it won't happen. My friends become my family.
I believe you. Since my grandmother moved in with us, everyone’s anxiety went up, as well as ailments. And when we tell others about her behavior we are dismissed or told we are not doing enough to accommodate her. She doesn’t appreciate us, but loves her son who does NOTHING for her
I have had the fantasy of them passing since about 16years old. I used to think I was a mean person but then someone explained I was my psyche keeping score of the Narc Abuse. And it was quite normal.
Its so hard for me knowing that they are like this because of their own childhood trauma and neglect, but toxic is still toxic and I can only save myself.
Remember. They are choosing to be the way they are. They went through trauma. Experienced the same abuse they put you through and knowing first hand how it feels to go through that instead of stopping the cycle they chose to continue it. You didn't make that same choice. You chose to be better. They chose to be worse.
My Mother is a narcissist from an ideal childhood where she was loved by parents and many childless Aunts and Uncles as well as Grandparents. She was given anything she needed and experienced no trauma just normal life stuff. She was the center of their world in her family and she grew to expect all to worship and cater to her. So, not all comes from trauma. Perhaps you know the narcissism originated in trauma. This is different. My point is that we shouldn’t assume that trauma was the cause. In my opinion, even if trauma was the cause of a personality or behavior disorder as an adult it is our job to fix ourselves through therapy and growth rather than just inflict our damage on others. I have empathy for everyone’s pain but I will never give a free pass to anyone passing their pain on to others.
You can do it. there are many of us who had to make that first step it is the scariest thing in the world at first but I promise you you have what it takes to live the rest of your life free of abuse.
Our mother overtly expressed her regret that I was born. The fight was nearly relentless, from my first day to the day I finally walked away. The neglect, abuse, supply-seeking, slander, and manipulation never ended. Every attempt to reason with her, any over independent, healthy defiance of her pathological behavior would provoke her rage and vengeance.
From the very first sentences, I got nauseous. I was not looking for videos on this subject. I did do a search a year or so ago. This is exactly my life! I have been controlled with guilt for my entire life. I’m 52 and I only realized this a year ago. Your video is uncomfortable for me to watch, but it is also so helpful. Thank you.
Absolutely true. My Mom likes to corner us into doing things instead of asking if we are available. She never says please or thank you. She goes out of her way to tell everyone how we don't care about Her. A couple of years ago I stopped giving in to Her complaints. I told myself I wouldn't be running arround like a headless chicken. Needless to say I've been branded the Witch of the family because she cannot manipulate me into doing anything I don't want to. I'm fine with that because now I get live my own life.
My husband and I saw the future. Caring for my ungrateful hateful narc parents and his narc mom. They were draining us financially and emotionally. We realized they would use us up if we let them. As in they'd be at our funerals if we stayed their slaves. They were making us sick. (Literally mother in law kept "accidentally" giving my husband food poisoning. ) So we jumped ship and moved states away. So far my dad got mad at me for not talking to him enough "you've changed since you moved". Every time he disrespects me I tell him to get therapy and he hates it. And my mother in law told my son she's written us out of the will. But she still expects my husband to go back and do work on her house for free. So it's been a case of the trash taking itself out. They're completely on their own when they get sick enough for care. We had planned on staying involved without personally giving them care directly. Now if they need help we'll be like "who's this?". It's so weird watching a narc destroy their own lives.
They do self destruct. It is bewildering watching my parent being lied on, sabotaged, and abused but still finding it okay to abuse me the only person helping her. It defies logic!
Two of my favorite quotes (I learned these late in life): 1) Givers need to learn to set boundaries because takers don't have any. and 2) The only people who will be upset with you setting boundaries are those who benefited from you not having any.
My husband and I both have narcissistic mothers and enabler fathers. We went no contact with all of them and are happier for it. We aren't their retirement plan.
Please do a talk on how narcissists are vulnerable to being grifted, especially as they grow older. They will give everything to a "flying monkey", but not their children, who actually care about their health and well being.
My husband and I have been disinherited and cut off from my MIL because we have set some healthy boundaries and questioned why her paid caregiver has moved her 8 time felon son into a trailer on my MIL's place. We had a PI do a comprehensive background investigation and it was far worse than we ever dreamed of. MIL refuses to believe it and has completely cut us off and left a smoking trail of reputational destruction with all of our relatives due to her slander campaign. So yes, using money to hurt and manipulate those who dare to question her judgment is all too common, sadly. I think for narcissists, having minions who are bought and paid for is more convenient than caring children who may not always agree with her impulsive, reckless decisions. Narcs love 'yes' people who bow and scrape.
my whole life my mother would tell me how she never wants to be put into a nursing home,once as a kid i saw a bumper sticker that i read aloud laughing,"Treat your kids good today, because one day they will be to ones who decide if you're put you in a home." I didnt know she was a covert narcissist until i hit 30, but id always reassure her, "Brother and I would never allow you to go into a home." I havent talked to her for 4 years,for sure she will go into a home unless my brother wants her living with him.
I spent years telling my mom I will never abandon her, and am now temporarily NC until she at least attempts to get some help. It’s crazy how long we can go before we figure it all out.
I’m going simply crazy right now with my 81 year old mother, who loves to put me down ect, I spent last night crying after a phone conversation with her. I’m 59 and still trying to figure it out and the guilt is eating me alive.
we owe these selfish blood sucking narcs NOTHING! When arguing with my elderly narc dad, I said I never chose to be born, and I owed him nothing for brinhing me into this miserable family. And I would never leave my job to take care of them, i would unalive myself before I would let that happen.
Im finally understanding that they will never ever change. Any positive sign of progress is just them telling you what you want to hear and simply get better at faking it.
They don't get better, change and warm up to you. They double down and get worse and worse, the mere idea of discussing truth and reality to them becomes a flashpoint for a rage fit. My narcs just told me to never come home, they want nothing to do with me - they are the victims at this point, after I put up a boundary and called out their abuse.
I just called my mom out on her abuse. She is 89 and I have been taking care of her for over 10 years. She lives in her home and I live 6 miles away. She has Alzheimers. I have searched far and wide (I have a medical background) to find treatments for her such as HBOT, MCT diet, vitamins, exercise, etc. I take her everywhere and spend about 16 hours with her on weekends. Recently I did 40 HBOT treatments for her which meant I was there 5 days a week or more and I work. Today after may arguments with her blaming me, I walked out. I was cooking her lunch and making 3 dishes for her to have during the week and she was in the hyperbaric chamber. She started banging on the chamber yelling for me and then telling me off for not getting her out within the 50 minute time period. I had my phone timer on which said 49 minutes but she does not understand after a year and a half of daily explanations, that you don't start the timer until the chamber reaches pressure which is only about 5 or 10 mins. I was running back and forth to the kitchen cooking, baking, and checking on her. When she yelled again like that, in spite of all the work I was doing (did same yesterday) I told her I am not taking the abuse anymore and that I will find her another person to take care of her. Then of course she became the victim saying she is scared in the chamber when I am not in the room. Well, she has been in the chamber for over a year and a half so it is nothing new. I know she has AD, I understand that when her MCT wears off she has hypoglycemia of the brain. To make a long story short, it is constant blaming me for anything that goes wrong in her life and making me responsible yet she won't take my advice to actually do anything about it. I have no life, am constantly worried about her but at this point it is clear she will never stop being the abuser she was all of my life.
she told me word for word she gave birth to me so that i would take care of her... then she fell and broke 3 ribbs. I have a job and two kids ( one has autism). My mom lives in a different town. for 3 years i begged her to move to the appartment i own in the town i live in 10 minutes from my place. i was expected to work, deal with my kids and travel every day to a different town to take care of her. and i did that for 3 years. Last summer i have said enough. This dear man has described my mother word for word.
Thank you for this video. I’ve just realized I was a scapegoat to my older sister who bullied me my whole life. She gaslight and harmed me physically since I was very young. I was abused by her. Sadly I was an autistic child that could not defend herself. Now I am exploring the narcissism her though my mother that never looked out for me. So I was an unseen, silenced child for the longest time. When I started to defend myself they just reinforced their rejection. I am dealing now with the fact of never been loved by them. Their narcissism was not so obvious to me, it was kind of subtle.
My ageing parents cannot hire domestic help because my mother keeps mistreating the maids and they end up quitting. The last time I visited them, mother tried to pressure me to quit my job and move back in with them to do the household chores. Hell no! 😂
My wife has found many domestic help. MIL hides her jewelry and blames the help. Last summer my wife and I found all the hidden gems, my MIL said my wife and maid were plotting together to steal from her. As of today MIL is accusing the current help of stealing meat from the freezer.
Being around narcissistic parents grows old really fast. The good part of being around an aging narc parent, is that it makes it clear how abusive they are. The last time I saw my mother, I have traveled 8 hours to see her. She immediately started screaming at me to leave... "You are useless, you have always been useless!!!" Mostly because I stopped being manipulated. When I left the long hallway of a large urban hospital, I could still hear her screams. I thought to myself, "Thanks for clearly things up Mom."
@@shasmeen It wasn't so clear (at least to me) until I was grown. I have indeed learned to be grateful for the clarity... but even then, it takes people like Jerry Wise and Jay Reid (also on RUclips) for blowing some of the smoke out of the room.
My dad has suddenly stopped being horrible after decades of narcissistic behaviour, happened right after my mum passed away .Now I'm expected to forget? I'm absolutely full of trauma.
@vanessaharling1957 He is being "fake nice" to you. My friend's narcissistic "mother" did the same to her. We figured out that she was getting her information about her life/wants/dislikes and selling it to third-party foreign and domestic factions to scam and set her up for crimes. This is called concatenating.
My parents always told me as a child that I need take care of them when they are old. As an 11 years old child I said, that I won't do that. And I never changed my mind about that.
Excellent video. More people need to understand this. No one should allow their narcissistic abuse & guilt trip. A roof over your head with clothing & food is something even an orphanage would provide. We owe them nothing if they were never there for us.
Man i think i had the greatest parents on earth...selfless, caring, and humble. Sorry to anyone that had to deal with narcissistic parents:( i dealt with a narcissistic sociopathic wife was the absolute worst hell i ever experienced
For me, mom has gotten much worse as she ages. Perhaps it is two-fold, worrying about getting older and the fact that I've gotten better at not being duped by her manipulation. Gradually, it has affected me less and less, but what a painful process! Thanks for videos like this. It has been a part of my education and therapy!
My mother is about to turn 70 and over the last year has just been awful. The positive thing is that this has woken me up to the reality of what's been going on for the last 45 years. She has told us that she will see to it that she will never live in "a home", but I do know that I will not be taking care of her. Agreed that these videos are very helpful!
My mom will turn 52 this year and I started seeing it once she got a narcissistic alcoholic boyfriend who abused her as well as me and my boyfriend. Once my grandma passed from cancer, it got a lot worse and it was like she no longer had anyone forcing her to pretend to care about me. I realize now my grandma is why I got any decent parenting out of my mom. There was a few years my grandma had to raise me in middle school while my mom was almost dying from graves disease and those are probably the least problematic I had in my life until I went no contact with my mom 15 months ago
My mum alienated everyone at the retirement home. She thought she was manipulating everyone against each other and didn't realise, because of her increasing dementia, she forgot what she said to whom. The other people living there worked out what she was doing and avoided her. She got angrier and angrier, making things worse for her. Everyone was so nice to us because I think they pitied us having a mum like her. She refused to pay the bills for the home help and nurse we organised for her, when she died we were left with a huge bill. So much for inheritance! She died alone. All I could think of at the funeral was "ding dong the witch is dead." She's been gone five years, my sister and I are slowly building a relationship back after being pitted against each other for 5 decades. Some days I still burn with hate for her, other days, I'm relieved she's gone.
This exact set of situations is happening to my marriage. My wife has recognized these issues and gone low contact before our second child is born, based on what happened after our first child was born (a complete mask off, scapegoat, enmeshment mess with her parents and sister). I told her to get ready for the aging angle, and within 48 hours her mother texted her for her SS# because they are preparing their will. 48 hours. Thank you Jerry, my beautiful wife watches your material now and it has really helped me step away from my own over involvement with the issues.
Your in-laws don't need your wife's SSN to complete their will!!! Holy tapdancing St. Mary! They want to pry into your financial information. My sister's asked me for my SSN because they were "helping mom do her taxes." No, I didn't give them that information. They were not happy. I'm way past caring about what pleases them. Be careful - narcissistic parents will try to pry into your personal life. Don't let it happen.
@@OceanSwimmerya they for sure want to pry, but we know that and definitely have protections over our identity. It was just a lame attempt to get a phone call at their demand- which failed. Since it’s her biological parents they obviously have access to that information anyways 🤷🏻♂️. Appreciate the sentiment, cheers.
The neglectful narc parents barely give the basics to their children. They rely on others to do their parenting for them, giving nothing in return. Then be the brain washed idiot for them as they age. My sister & mother have no empathy for others, only themselves. They are very controlling people. In the long run the backstabbing they have caused to me & others have turned on them. These individuals will shorten your life to extend theirs. This year moving far away from them Thank God.
I'm 68 years old and my 92 and 89 year old parents put the entire burden on me to sell their house and their stuff, find assisted living for them and move them in. It nearly killed me and now I just simply count down the days until they're gone. I get Bible verses tossed at me daily about how I have to honor my parents. It took me until now to figure out they were narcs who simply want to manipulate me to avoid responsibility and exert control.
I’m 40 years old and my mom did that to me before she died. Always saying honor your mother and your father. Making me feel guilty about everything. Especially the fact that I got married and have children. Always putting everything I ever did with my life down and using God and his beautiful word as a tool against me. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You’re not alone. ❤ God bless you in your future ❤
At one point, my mom stopped being able to get to the grocery store herself. Instead of planning ahead, she would call me and say "I'm out of food and I'm hungry NOW," expecting me to drop everything and rush to the store for her!
My daughter was telling me the other day she was going to Starbucks. I told her pick me up a banana bread. She sent me a 😂. I'm in New Jersey, she's in Kansas. But she said she enjoyed the pumpkin spice bread. It's awesome having a good relationship with my kids I missed with my mother. Remember don't let them break you down anymore. The last time I saw my mom, my sister was in the hospital. We only talked about my sister. Only because I had a rental car and could take her home and get her set up from the hospital to home. My mother's car was in the shop I guess. I flew in from Jersey. They still live in the same town. My mother is one of the reasons I don't live in Kansas.
Oh I know how that goes! My elderly (and very controlling) mother is constantly asking me for last minute help. Never ever plans ahead, so I am constantly blindsided with her last minute text messages, needing something from me within the hour. Can't wait to move 50 miles away, my plan.
When news broke that the paternal donor passed, I felt instant relief. Relief that, that monster will never get the chance to hurt me again. To feel relief when someone passes means they were a horrible person. Parent or not, they were horrible to their children
That's why I left home & seldom spoke to my mother. I refused to manage her life. Tried to fix our relationship when older & saw how toxic she was. Didn't cry when she died.
During parts of the video I felt resistance, like a subtle attempt to justify my parent. Also, it’s interesting that some of the described behaviors that we can anticipate from narcissistic parents I grew up with as the norm. I learned that my parent is a narcissist much later in life through therapy. To be honest, I still struggle with recognizing narcissistic tendencies, because much of that was so normalized. It’s a lifelong process to undo and reprogram to the healthy. This video is a wonderful reminder and it helps me to reinforce what setting healthy boundaries with my parent looks like.
My mother turned me into the family servant. I was 12 years old. Including mum and dad we were a family of 9. None of my siblings were expected to help. When mum got old I realised the willing horse had died. I was done.
I’m a real “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of guy, and I’ve lived my life that way. My children are living their life that way. My parents did the same. But reading these comments - listen, if you had a narcissistic mother (is that even a “mother”) and you get up and face life at ALL everyday, then God bless you! Holy crap. I couldn’t imagine. My wife had a narcissistic father and mother. But fortunately they are both dead, and dead before they infected my children. My wife struggled terribly. Her family is pretty much a wreck. It’s asking a hell of a lot for someone to overcome having to live in the nightmare. If you are one of these children, good on you for making it this far!! Mad, mad respect for you!
My brother badgered the hell out of me so I'd move my mother in with me to take care of her. She didn't have a memory problem, but declared she didn't know who I was, or who my son was. She certainly knew who 'brother' was. Double gaslighting! It didn't last long because I almost lost my frickin mind!😮
You were good to try, mine moved back to her home province after her middle husband retired, I could have used her back up here with my kids but that's someone else's life then with covid I couldn't visit, now here so many old folks homes closing but not hers as it's a gouvs, what blessings I've had!
@@miriam100ful Right on! I'm in my late 60's now and he still thinks I need to conform. Ha! I have defected from my family of origin. Our parents are long gone. My goal is to live out the remaining days of my life with a sense of clarity and peace! ❤️
Jerry you nailed this. My mind is BLOWN- I have experienced all of this. All of it. I can’t be hurt anymore. The worst has happened. I need to keep saying this until I believe it.
My mom hated me and never said, I love you. I did everything for her. Starting from age 5yrs old. She was a witch putting spells on me all of my life . Just to take care of her. She ruined my relationship. After my dad passed, I walked away with no contact.
I feel for you! I would say “I love you” to my 90 yr old mom & I meant it but she wouldn’t say it back but she would pour on the lovey dovey with my golden child sis on the phone. She would be looking straight at me making her narcissistic smirk. I’ve been no contact for a few years & sis is her caretaker. I wish that the 3 of us could have a nice loving relationship & share the caretaking but it is not to be.
My mom said "I love you" only if/when she wanted something. As far as I'm concerned, those three words are the most abused words in the English language.
This was so validating to the feelings I have toward my 82 yo covert narc mom. Dad died 2 years ago and between that and her age she has only become worse with the manipulation, guilt tripping, and victim mentology. I’m an only child and it all falls upon me. She has money to hire a housekeeper, lawn maintenance etc, but refuses to do this; she’d rather give us money we don’t ask for so we feel obligated to do these things for her when we don’t even have time to take care of our own place. She expects us to take care of her problems and be her entertainment. The community thinks she’s great, because they only see one side of her, and I feel people think I’m an awful daughter for not being there all the time for her. After a lifetime of dealing with her, it’s sad to say that while I’ll grieve when she’s gone, there will also be relief.
My mom kicked her bf out a few years back and relies on me to do her lawn/yard maintenance despite my own yard being enough of a time suck. I know what you mean.....both parents like to gift me stuff I don't want/need and then feel obligated for me to do stuff in return. Then my dad has the nerve to point out things on my own property that "should be done" and are not when he comes over.
After being the sole caretaker of my mother for years, the demands and stress finally took their toll on my health. I had to stop working, I got so ill, but still was in caretaker mode. When I couldn't do some things for her, she said "you would have to get sick now!". As if I did it to her and was useless because of it. She's been gone 4 years now and I'm still trying to heal, in all respects. I feel badly for all the children of narcissistic parents when mothers day and fathers day roll around, how difficult it must be to hear all these praises for the parents and how much they are to be celebrated just for being parents. 😞
I’m sorry. I’m in an almost identical situation as you are; except that the “stuff” from my younger years (5-21) was more than enough for me to become ill from then until now but I’m still in my narc Mom’s clutches, despite moving away from them both and knowing that they would never want to visit me, I chose where to live with precision! Although I haven’t had the “…you would get sick now” experience I have had the “…I wished you had drowned at birth” thrown at me in a very crowded place and she made it loud enough for other people to hear it…but yet, I’m the one who has no sense of humor and that it was a joke. Now she’s older (and he has died) I now that that she will only be looked after by me, she won’t go and eat with other family…it has to be just me…and she’s like that for any and all of life’s events…holidays have to be at one place, no one else is ever invited (including my adult children’s partners) just myself and my kids (and not even my partner has ever been invited either). My problem is that she knows that I’m not strong enough to get out of it, physically or emotionally. She wins, just like she has always been able to do and sadly, I don’t see it changing anytime soon. I would give you a big hug if I could ❤
@@PoppyMom1 cyber hugs right back 🤗. I know exactly how you feel, it's a terrible position to be in. There will , most likely, come a time when she'll have to be placed in a skilled nursing home.... it's rough initially, but once she's settled in, it takes some of the burden off of you. You can just communicate by phone more, the facility will have the holiday meals done up for group dining or she can just eat in her room if she'd like. I'm hoping we can both be healed soon and be able to finally enjoy life a little bit, however humble as it may be. Thank you for sharing, hang in there, I'll send some positive energy and prayers your way 🙏💕
@@ocelotcat I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness and advice. I think I’m just too trained by her…hence the daily hour long diatribes from her every day and just last night, I had told her that I wanted to watch a program at her call time, but that I would call her afterwards…you can probably guess how that turned out!! 🤗 right back to you!
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Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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This is crucial for me both are nearing their seventies and it is getting too evil and childish. Thank you very much Dr. Wise. My mother knows listen t you and she even mocked you by minimizing your positive influence in my life. Meh, it is one ear and one out the other.
Yes, they play on the sociocultural axiology to play the higher moral ground and this is why my father threw a 360 by saying: let see how things will be when I die? As if…. (sigh) Basically all of the tactics that you asserted here Dr. Wise, my parents have done to me on a regular basis especially with my sister a s golden child archetype.
they were AWFUL when young; then they got old& wamt Pity
You're AMAZING, Jerry!!
You can never get your family of origin "out of" you. Uncovering your true self is your mission, but it involves forgiving your family of origin as a path to discerning loving boundaries. Your family is what the universe gave you for your growth in this incarnation. We are not on this earth merely for material and hedonic pleasure. That is an empty, shallow path. This worldview creates terminally adolescent whiners. Those who spot it got it. (If narcissism is your obsession, you may be the nnarcissist too.)
We were allowed to go out with friends with minimal rules. Then we say no wonder we are rebellious. We were not allowed to go out of our parents eyesight. Then we say no wonder we became rebellious, Who is right?
I felt nothing when my mom died. I cried, but I cried for the mother I wish she could have been
I hear you loud and clear. She's still alive, but that's how I feel when I cry now. As tho time's run out, and she's still horrible. I'm sorry for what you've endured. I hope you have abundant peace and joy now.
Me too
My mean narc mom died January 29, 2024 a day before my birthday and I haven't shed one tear. At first I thought there was something wrong with me for not grieving but I've been grieving her my whole life and now there are no more tears left.
Yep
I grieved the mother and grandmother I wish I and my kids had. She's still alive but if she passes I won't visit her grave or cry but rather will carry on living my own life to the fullest
arguing with a narcissist is like getting arrested everything you say or do can be used against you
Omg!! So perfect!
@@Twinzma so true x
That's literally what they shouted at us when we were children. They were foreshadowing the rest of our lives.
Yup! Sometimes agreeing with them too!
Exactly. They want to be the police while they use infinite ways to torture. Their torture is thinking the real police is always watching and waiting.
Walked away from the " inheritance " of my Narcissist family and found my Peace and happiness instead. There is no price for ones peace of mind...❤
This is where I’m at, you can’t put a price on your mental health or emotional wellbeing
I also walked away, and feel that I was the only one that escaped with a soul.
I wish I had the wisdom to do that years ago. I moved abroad when I was 19. I felt free in a good way. 2 years later I went for a short visit and without knowing, I was trapped. Deacades later when my mother died I felt a relief. My parents left a lot of mess for us to deal with, some of which I am still dealing with now 10 years after their death.
Same here❤
I walked away as well. Got tired of being kicked off of her will repeatedly. She thought she could manipulate me with her will like it was a carrot above my nose. I was appalled and insulted. I told her I was 100% NOT interested in inheriting anything. Now, she talks about what she's going to leave my daughters and husband to inherit. Trying to control a family member with money is cheap and vulgar.
I stay away from people that make me feel like $#!t, period.
When somebody try to make me feel like shit, I used to show him that his opinion doesn't matter to me and then make him feel like shit in more sophisticated way. It works great with narcissistic people.
I really don't like to be like that, but I'm doing it from respect to myself.
Good for you! 🙏 It's a lesson not easily learnt by many, myself included...but eventually we just have to see it for what it is...
Amen sister, me too ❤
@@earthrooster1969It's very hard to walk away when you're an empath. However once time passes, you regain your freedom and confidence.
Same. Never used to but now it’s easy.
My mother’s favourite saying…”after all I have done for you”
My God same here.. except I get the WE version. We did everything for You. I could write a book. Brutal stuff. Continues to this day. They are in some weird competition with me? 😔
Me too, and it is said in “the voice” which can reduce me from 60 to 6 instantly! 😂
… although she never did.
“After all I’ve sacrificed for you, I think I ought to have the right to expect…”
The day I asked myself “What did she actually, practically, ever sacrifice willingly for me?”, I came up with nothing.
same
My mom's last words at her death bed... "I forgive you son for disappointment me and abandoning me". I didn't abandon her; I simply grew up and she didn't forgive me for leaving home and going to college.
Thanks, this is pretty funny 😆 It makes me realize one more time how ridiculous their mind can be
Good for you. You lived your life. She was selfish . Let those words roll off your back like water. The person that was mandated to protect you was the one you needed protecting from. You did good. You got away. It's a wake up call to everyone who has a narcissist parent. Go no contact and stay no contact. You're free my friend. You did nothing wrong. It's her fault not yours. Enjoy every breath . Enjoy you your life. Stay happy.
My mother has attempted to prevent me from growing up. Still. And I'm 34. She makes me think she only loved me when I was her little girl she could control. She hates that I think for myself.
@@mags_9532 Yep. They want us to raise them and in order to do that they have to keep control. When my mom lost control of me, I was dead to her. Sorry you have experienced this as well.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Good for you getting out of the house instead of becoming her lackey. Her unkindness & dislike of me informed my parenting: I parented my dear children they way I wanted to be parented & loved. Thankfully, I have a good relationship with my (now) adult children, who are good, kind people.
When my mother died, I felt the biggest relief of my life. I didn’t cry before or during the funeral. I was saddened that the mother I wanted and needed would never be.
@@Panicscroll69 : People think I'm a sociopath when I say this: "I very much look forward to the death of my parents"
It's impossible for a person who has been blessed with loving parents to fathom just how evil some parents can be.
There was never a bond, nor any love, between my parents and me. As a child, they literally told me they hate me.
I am the result of failed birth control, so even as a baby my mother's rejected me. People do not realize just how damaging this is for a child.
My mother is still alive, but I've thought about the future a lot and I imagine I would feel the same way you do. I feel nothing for her. Her death would probably hit me with the reality that I will never have a real mother and therefore I will sob.
Same. I cried more when my husband's ex died than I did with my mother. It was a relief too. No more judgment. No more making me feel like I wasn't good enough because I didn't go to church. I love my mother but she put me through hell. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I was her punching bag. She took her frustrations out on me because I was different. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive. I'm trying so hard. I luckily never treated my daughter the same way. I stopped the cycle. Years of generational abuse had to stop with someone. I'm so thankful I didn't turn out like her.
This is what i imagine it will be like when this momster goes. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
@@JenniSparklesSome of us have grieved the lack of a present parent over the years, long before their actual death.
My frail 86 year old Narc Mom refuses to go to assisted living, or get home health care. Instead - she wants me to abandon my job/home/husband and move across the country to be her care taker. She has absolutely no concern that this would put my finances in jeopardy and place a strain on my marriage. When I said "no", she stopped talking to me. Now I understand ... the girl child was supposed to remain a spinster so she could be mothers slave in her later years. Just...wow.
yep! that's what narc mothers do. they don't care about your life or your happiness. they only care about themselves. as the spinster who is struggling in the family I'm in that very situation now...living with this toxic woman who is preventing me from working a job ever since my car died (she owns 2 cars btw). i'm not allowed to borrow one of her cars to work a job. she doesn't want me to become independent b/c she wants me to live with her and cater to her even though she's totally healthy. she said to me "you owe me. i raised you. you need to take care of me" and my siblings....all 5 are doing exceptionally well in life...they all drive bmw's and mercedes' and own multiple homes...all of them do nothing but put me down for struggling and they say "well, you live with her, you need to take care of her." they all cater to her in their own ways but do not invite her to live with them. gee, i wonder why? and it's convenient for all of them to not help me become independent (not that i want their help) because it would mean they would have to help her more plus they love bullying me and putting me down. they are all insecure and toxic. my body and spirit are ready to get out of here and move on. just don't know how. Anyway, stick to your guns. Keep your distance. Maintain those boundaries and do NOT let your mother guilt you into taking care of her! She will never respect your needs.
Damn Nona. 😢😢
Hold firm, Nona - I know people who have been guilted into the spinster/slave lifestyle and their lives have been a kind of hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. You're really brave and strong to be able to see the situation for what it is - and choose yourself and your marriage!
What you write here is identical to what happened in my family. It was a total shock to my parents when I married at the age of 50. Then they banned him from their home, and told me I was welcome to visit them, but without him. No Contact since 2020. It’s upsetting still, as they are both 81 and I’m an only child. As you wrote, “Just…wow.” I’m sorry you have to experience this! 🤗
You have to do what's right for yourself. Good on you for saying no.
“REMEMBER: we never owe our parents anything. Any owing or gratitude should be based on the quality of the relationship …. not because they fed you etc which is a basic legal requirement”. Spot on.
I’ve never given the first thought to the word “ owing” my parents, rather the love they gave & mutual respect back, do they not deserve that, called a play on words if believe that’s called “owed”… a wrong projection that should be redefined
Legal requirement 😂 you slay me. Truth!
@@esem3042
Yeh I guess so it is 😂🤙
I didn't even get fed.
There was 1 egg in the fridge on occasion for 3 children.
F you Mother!
Sadly, in the same respect, your parents owe you nothing more than the basic legal requirement.
Two days ago my 80yr old parents told me I wasn’t agreeable or sociable with them and that I wasn’t welcome around anymore. I was so relieved, finally released from the narcissists
You were just poor supply.
So sorry you had such unkindbparents. Celebrate your freedom fromtheir derogatory attitudes.
congrats ❤
@@freedomwarrior5087The same thing happened to me. I was discarded in an email. I was poor supply a few months leading up to it.
Until... They change their minds. Be careful! ☺️✌️❤️🦋🙏
My mother is narcissist. I learned to not argue with her. I choose my battles. If she gets angry I ignore her. If she starts to criticize I pretend to be busy.
Take my experienced advice. Move out, build your life. Keep her out.
Hearing hurtful comments will affect your mental health and she will find another ways to make you unhappy as much as she can. Please cut contact if you can. If you can’t then try spreading all your time away from home and don’t tell her anything about your life. Anything you say will be used against you.
I do the same
Sounds like a wise strategy.
You're abandoning yourself by putting up with her BS ( ignoring ) by still being around her. Are you codependent?
Self care is the hardest thing to do after being raised by narcissists!
Yet it is absolutely possible!
Accurate!
You shouldnt be giving advise. People like you are the Problem. Be willing to forgive and help. Youre spreading hate not wisdom. Man up.
@@jaman5735 what a horrible kind of manipulation. But know that I understand where it comes from it has no power.
100%
I’m 40 and I really think I always expected my mom to grow out of it. This has hit me really hard for some reason. But seeing these comments by others with similar parents have really helped my heart in a way I can’t explain.
65
It’s life changing to know you’re not alone right? Good counterpoint to all the “oh but she’s your mother/father” cries.
I think we have to get away from truisms...like, all old people are sweet and lovable...they are not....my mil can play the nice little ol lady like the best of them, but we know differently....she's not evil, just totally self absorbed.
Oh man, coming away from your other video with my long-winded comment and wanting to believe in my perceived accomplishments of having healed quite a bit, now I feel stupid.... Wow, this hit home like a mothereffin' bomb shell!
So I'm more than relieved to hear you mention self care as crucial.... in my case I feel like replacing self care with something closer to critical self defense and self preservation! (after all, they left me alone at a hospital two weeks old and there was a chance I could've died from malnutrition and the doctors fighting to keep anything in me which ultimately forced them to tube-feed me for weeks on end so they wouldn't lose me.... guess, it's about o.k. to leave them in the care of those professionals in the nursing home now as well, isn't it? Hell, yeah, it is!)
Anyway... for whatever it's worth: If not already the first video, then this one for sure made it abundantly clear that you know what you're talking about and walk your talk at the same time. After much poor quality "therapeutic interventions" from people who very apparently had little to zero idea whom and what they were dealing with, I'd have to make it a prerogative now for anyone working in the field of assisting others with the manifold life challenges that at the very least they had a taste themselves of the medicine they administer.
You, Sir, do if I may be so bold to say. Thanks again! (even though this here was a humdinger, I have to say, wow and then some....)
Same! I always hold out hope for that special moment when my covert mother and my absent father will choose to acknowledge all the pain they've caused and give me a sense of unconditional love and regret. It's been a long hard road to reconcile that I will not be receiving that from either of them. The turmoil of the past is my own personal torch to carry and no one is coming to rescue me from it. It feels like there will never be closure if you arent given that "deathbed" acknowledgement of your pain. I'm sorry to every child reading this that also will never get that moment of repentance. You ARE loved. You ARE enough. You ARE a precious gift. I hope you find your tribe and I wish I could hug your inner child. ❤
I stopped falling for the FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt
This is good.
I like that acronym. Out of the FOG. ThanQ 😊
Oh my! That is good!!!! I am new to this and that discribes her tactics exactly! Thanks.
I love this
Well done
At over 60 I'm finally admitting I'm a child of a narcissist. I appreciate your suggestions.
You are so welcome
Stay strong. It’s your life to live and you’re not an extension of the narcissist. The truth is on your side.
I'm over 60 and have a narcissist son...no contact is the only way to go
It took me 59 years to figure out my mother is a narcissist. I always acknowledged she was selfish, it was Her World and I’m just here to cater to her. I didn’t know it had a real label and diagnosis.
Hello my brothers and sisters of various narcissistic parents and siblings. Let's celebrate together with doing the bare minimum 😂
#Imin
😂😂😂❤️
Amen! 🎉
Here here!! 😂
Lmao 🤣 🤣 oh my god 🎉🎉🎉
Never feel guilty when you look forward to their passing. It's not being viscous or hateful attitude towards mom or dad, it's the start of your total freedom. Passing of mom can be bitter sweet. Sorry for the past, sweet for future
When my sociopathic narc father croaked...We got out the party hats & confetti because we understood and ultimately had accepted who he was and we realized we'd be better off without the drama/abuse.
Funny...even as a child I wished my Mom was dead..not because I hated her, but I just felt she had to go...
Today, I am the family scapegoat, far away from my family and my siblings, extended family included are stewing in their own toxic juices and they eye me once in awhile for not participating in the energy sucking rabbit hole...
Funny...even as a child I wished my Mom was dead..not because I hated her, but I just felt she had to go...
Today, I am the family scapegoat, far away from my family and my siblings, extended family included are stewing in their own toxic juices and they eye me once in awhile for not participating in the energy sucking rabbit hole...
The three of us rejoiced when dna-dad passed in 05. The bonus surprise is that COVERT Malignant Sadistically CATHOLIC "MoMster" & Narc older sibling openly abuse me now.@@malwads1836
Oh will it ever happen?
When my father died, I had absolutely no grief, my first thought was " Good, he cant hurt anyone now"
I can understand you perfectly. My dad is still alive, I will feel the same on his funeral.
Maybe your father was also geatful to go and not continue to have a hateful child like you....? Ever thought of that side of things?
@@mbi9005 I can tell that you are not balanced. I have an elderly narc father and am also a parent to three children. One of them is an adult. This oldest child is not very happy with me right now. Even though that is the case I have never had a hateful thought about him nor do I think I am entitled to anything from him. I love him and always want the best for him. I cannot imagine any healthy normal parent being "grateful to die to get away from a hateful child". That is a sad and emotionally immature way of thinking.
@@mbi9005you are obviously the narcissist being described in the video and in the comments… 😒
@@mbi9005nope 😔
They don’t get better, they get bitter
It’s part and parcel of ageing!!! It’s LIFE, better get used to it and adjust or adapt accordingly!!!
What if they are already bitter? They get more bitter?
@@larryl2398 It doesn’t get easier…
@@larryl2398 that’s been my experience
So true.
It is even worse in some cultures where the burden of taking care of the parents falls in its entirety on the daughters and granddaughters when the inheritance goes to the sons and their children!!!
That's a shame...in fact, marriage, no matter how 'good' is a power imbalance in the long run and the issues run across generations...
Break the cycle!
Ya that's a cycle which doesn't happen in the new world, ridiculous even a woman's virginity is theirs to sell!
can you name the cultures you are speaking of?
Agreed! My aunt already attempted to guilt me into it. Me living closer than my brother didn’t help. I served my time. ✌️
No contact saved my sanity!
Same....10 yrs now.
I keep an ocean in between us, it has helped.
Started 3 months ago. Looking back at the drama and gaslighting they did in our last interaction feels like a year ago. I started reading again and eating healthier, sleeping at night and studying interesting subjects. Sending all of you love
Proud of you
I got a restraining order against my mother, it’s peaceful but so hard and lonely 😞
@@cptmorrigan1995 don’t feel sad or guilty about it. Our brains tend to remember only the good moments when we cut people off from our lives. Same thing happens when you miss a toxic ex. Just know that what you long for is an illusion you created when you were small. Like if I only was better my mom will be better to me. She won’t and she never was. The fact that you can file a restraining order against her says it all. If I went to the police with the stuff my mom did to me they will tell me to get over it and won’t do anything that is because she two faces snake 🐍. Please know that I care for you and that you are not alone. The happy family illusion hunt everyone, but such family rarely exists. Don’t ever feel bad you took a brave step never go back and look at all the options you can go for now that the one who constantly feed off your self esteem is finally gone. Your options are almost limitless. Go out find new friends who can see you for who you are and not what your mom made you believe to be.
A lot of pain coming through in these comments. This is such an important topic, and one that isn't talked about enough.
@tamara AMEN. This is such an important topic and so very rarely addressed. Which is truly remarkable because in this age, this time, there are more and more elderly people. For some Narcissist survivors, they have help of assisted living for their parents, or siblings who live nearby. And for some people they have only themselves to care for their parent(s). I was 50 when I learned about what the conditions name was, my parent was already living across the street from me for over 10 years. Now, I am 62, my parent in the mid 80’s. Caretaking is constant, my family’s true life has been minimized. Painful. So painful, yet there’s no reasonable way to alter living arrangements, (financially), and no loving way to change the way things are.
@@JessWicked Your last sentence sums up the situation for so many folks. Times have changed and people are living longer than before, but expectations have largely remained the same. It's just really tough, and i wonder what's going to happen to us when we get to that elder point if we've spent all of our energy and resources caring for our parents. And when they're narc on top of it, it's like an extra insult. i wish you peace with your situation.
💯
I think Mr Wise talks about topics that others missed, but are very important for us to learn and reflect on! Espec that Scapegoat stuff that’s so painful and only this Doc talks about! It helped me find closure with that and understand WHY I was targeted! This is a great channel!
@@Juke582 i so agree about Jerry and this channel, and i also agree with you about scapegoating. Being the scapegoat is no fun, i hope you've found some peace and healing from that.
My question is why they never die? They always manage to get incredibly old. How do science explain this?
No stress until sources are gone. Like vampires
Because they are literally children living in adult bodies and they don't introspect. They just feed off of other people, things and their environment.
Even god doesn’t want them lol 😂 jk jk
@@Yes0hyes1921fricken hilarious!
@@Yes0hyes1921Haha you're genius 😂
Anyone else watching this to make sure that they don’t behave like this with their own kids??? ❤
I cut all contact with my narcissistic parents long time ago. I don’t need their money, I can earn my own - thank you. Best decision ever. So incredibly freeing ❤.
Congratulations! Finding your own strength after years of caged abuse is an incredible feeling!
may i ask wht u do for work?
I agree. I always thought it would be tainted anyway.😅
Exactly! The inheritance is not worth it! And imagine suffering for it, as they still leave it for someone else!
Good for you! I make my own money too. Never had a penny from them and have managed ust fine. I've got nothing to thank them for and they have no hold over me.
Mother's Day is always a painful day. Everyone is celebrating how wonderful their mother is. I'm wondering why mine is so different.
You're mother is horrible, So is mine! Don't fixate on nothing. We can't change who they are, We can only change who we're going to be. Pursue greatness.
Most people did not have an ideal mother or father.. Someone was a Narcissist or maybe both parents. . People went along with " the program" pretending because we were supposed to ... Don't be fooled.
Yes
I can totally relate. I am a florist and I make arrangements all day for wonderful moms and then feel obligated to visit mine afterwards when I am exhausted. Add to that, my birthday occasionally falls on Mother’s Day too, ( I am a mom too) but we celebrate her. Ugh.
Lots of make believe that day is.
My mom is 101, and it feels like I am in the movie Groundhog...it will never end. I live 3 states away and go to visit one week a month. The blessing is my brother and I now try to visit together. She still wants to be in control, but her rages have decreased. I visit and treat her kindly because that is how I would want to be treated. I don't want to live with regrets.
That’s a huge commitment. I hope your mother is a nice lady. Living without regrets also means you put your needs first to look after you. It includes setting boundaries.
You are worthy of your own respect and love.
You will be glad you did this afterward because no matter WHAT she has done to you, you did the right thing-it’s freeing! Mine did about as much as one could ever do to hurt a child but I have no regrets for my role-hang in there-you will be free one day-I wish you well!
Mine is 98 and in a long stay hospital ward. I’ve been going every day but it was too much for me, so now I have given myself permission to go 5 out of 7 days a week. I feed her and I bring her treats but she just cries and cries and wants to come live with me. I have a disabled husband at home and I work part time so I’m thankful she’s being looked after, even if she only wants me (only ever wanted me). If I chat to other visitors or other patients she gets so mad and jealous. Nothing changes but at least the cruel words are much less these days.
You are wise and kind, it will get better ❤
That’s ridiculous in my opinion.
I'm 30 and because of certain mental illnesses I've decided not to have children and people take MY decision so personally. My grandmother repeatedly tells me to have kids so I have someone to take care of me when I get old. I just can't deal with that mindset. I already told my parents they're going in a home when they get older. If I had to parent myself growing up I don't see why I have to owe them anything.
My son has made the same decision. I told him I respect it & am here for him. Anything I can do to help him heal.
Had I known about future mental illness, I would not have had children. First, because my depression made me a terrible parent. Second, fear of passing on my genes and behavioral patterns
👏👏👏
Good point!
Great stuff
Even an orphanage supplies shelter and food to every child under their care. You don’t owe your parents anything for doing the bare minimum
or for kicking your a@@, cursing you out, degrading you at every given opportunity, denying you a high school education, having just enough clothes to cover your body, walking to elementary school, with holes in your shoes IN THE WINTER, being told to turn a trick when you need the basic things in life, always half hungry, and so MUCH MORE. wHEN i GOT OUT OF THAT HOUSE OF HORRORS, I REALIZED THAT YOUR HELL CAN BE RIGHT HERE ON EARTH.
But what if they gave me more? I still live at home at 40. They could use this as "we cared for you for 40 years. Now you don't want to care for us when we're getting older?" It would be blackmail. I'm the family scapegoat and an empath and slighty autistic. What to do there, any tips?
@@shairaptor1865you absolutely need to move out. That is their plan, to keep you there longer than you should have stayed so they can use it for their benefit later. I stayed way too long living with my parents and I regret every minute. You need to become independent, you can do it even if they try to make you feel like you can’t.
They also get clothes and are provided with group activities and hobbies like gardening are provided and encouraged. Orphanages provide the basics- food, water, shelter, clothing transportation, activities. So a birth parent providing those and nothing more except bday and Christmas gift, while also actively getting in the way, is absolutely the bare legal minimum.
@@CovaRevival Thanks for your reply! I am emotionally and financially dependent from them. I want to move out, to have my first own apartment. But alone it's too difficult, they guilt trip me. And what if they blackmail me or make revenge? Like "If you move out now, then we will tell everybody "xyz" and give your computer data from your laptop to anybody" or whatever else? I'm really stuck here. Psychotherapy is a good idea, but even for that I'm shy, I have phone phobia, etc. But I'll make it. How did you move out if I may ask, how did you make it?
As a child of narcissistic parents, I teach my daughter who is 7 to NOT suffer through abuse or mistreatment from other people no matter who it is family friends etc. She has such a forgiving loving kind pure spirit, but I teach her that it’s CRITICAL to have/set boundaries with people and distance herself from those who mistreat her and be strong. ❤
💯
You are an amazing mom. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Appreciate her kindness and not thinking of her as weak, but others as the problem. As someone with a mom that act constantly as a toddler or a spoiled teenager. You are truly mature.
I have encountered nars in extended family. I am teaching my kids boundaries and not always smoke the peace pipe!!!
I wish my mom was like you I was kindhearted and loving person since childhood but she abuse me physically and emotionally I'm 31 year's old I still with her enmeshed with her I struggle all my life in my drug's and gambling I also attracted to toxic people 😢 I'm now planning to leave I have small job and I'm saving to leave
Leave and you will not be alone. God is always with you, even and especially in your suffering. May you find peace, healing and the love you deserve in Christ Our Lord. 🙏🏻
I worked in hospice for many years, and sometimes I'd have a student or colleague speak critically of some adult child of a patient that was refusing to be involved. I'd remind them that we only know the patient for about 6 months and have no idea what kind of parent they were, therefore we can't judge. I'm going to be one of those adult children; my mother has gotten more narcissistic with old age, and while I'll make sure she's taken care of I will not be the one doing the caring.
Perfect example of taking care of yourself!
My therapist stated it was in my best interest to not care for them, but I was more than welcome to visit them as often or as long as I wished when they’re under someone else’s care.
@@sarahhamelinck6503 That makes sense. It makes a difference when you're able to leave as you need to. Two hours is my max rn, and I'm sure that will hold when my mother needs care. She has it in her head that she'll move in with me when that time comes, but I refuse to do that to myself.
@@beaucarbary5619 That's exactly my situation too. No matter how many times I tell my Mom I will not take care of her. She stays in denial and thinks I'll change my mind or some magical thing will happen. I had lunch with her today and that was so much easier than a full day with her. But she still managed to complain to the waitress as usual. ughh
@@TJ-id6ee Yeah I keep telling mine too, same thing. They think if they pester about it enough they'll get their way.
It’s like we have to now somehow be expected to sacrifice our own lives for them in their elderly years ……. But they weren’t even there for us whatsoever as little children. Bizarre 😂
That’s what I keep thinking. It disgusts me honestly
@@curiouslittlefrog me too and we have to remain strong and always remember that.
@@debwhite6228communities like this help me remember. It is so painful to not have real parents, sometimes I feel like I must be in the wrong. I am not. I just feel so much more than they do. And that’s okay! Empathy is beautiful
@@curiouslittlefrog It is extremely painful and empathy is something that they will never ever have. You cannot live a truly fulfilling life without it…….that’s their karma as they never will. So even though it’s terribly painful for us, I would still rather be us than them. Plus you have recognised it and crawled your way out of it despite all of it. You need to congratulate yourself that you’ve not turned into them. That’s an amazing accomplishment in itself honestly as you’ve broken the cycle ……. Many don’t as they do then turn into them and therefore repeat this abusive cycle ❤️
@@debwhite6228 thank you so much for saying this, it made my day easier and I actually got up and did what I needed to do! I had been stuck in the past all morning. Thank you so much!!
I moved abroad and cut all ties with my narcissistic parents. They still try to hurt me by being in canopy with my narcissistic ex husband.
I will not attend their funeral. I said my goodbyes years ago. They have been nothing but cruel, ungrateful and mean. They don’t deserve my time.
In my healing process I’ve come to understand why they are, who they are. It was hard to make peace with the fact that I’ll never have real parents or that they will love me.
Radical acceptance provided inner peace and closure.
This takes so much strength to do. I know, I had to do the same. It is against what you wish what could be and a realization of what is and saving yourself. from further harm at your families evil. It is sad.
Same. Nm tried that with my ex husband, but found out he only tolerated her antics as an avenue to disregulate me. hes not married to her daughter anymore, so has no use for her. Imagine her shock when she got shut down lmao
I actually had drunken abusive parents I also had to cut ties with, and it was among the BEST things I ever did
Due to my circumstances, I didn't attend their funeral either because I didn't even know they died
Mom really didn't have nothing, Dad was the one who provided everything for our family since he worked for Ford his whole life until he retired
We lived off Dad until my rescue and then I became a ward of the state until I finally went through the process of Transitional Living into Independent Living while under a case manager who saw me through the process of eventually being turned completely loose in my community
For a good number of years I was under case management until I was eventually doing so well I could safely be discharged
When keeping case management appointments starts slowing you down, that's when you know it's just about time to wrap it up and move past the need for case management once you're a successfully blended into a normal society
When you finally cut it off, that's when you can quickly thrive and flourish without any more need for case management
Let me tell you, abuse survivors in particular can take years or decades to fully heal
I’m going through this right now with my 81yr old parents. It’s not easy. I have tried to be the daughter they expected but i finally broke from trying to juggle their household and mine. I finally told them I tried and I have no more I can give. I’m tired and burnt out. They told me they feel like I rejected them. I’m emotionally exhausted from them and their unhealthy choices and inability to change. This is the first time in a very long time that I’m standing up for myself.
God bless you
I wish you strength and courage. Take care of you first, after all, they took care of themselves first all their lives, no?… then they should have planned their future nursing home, just like you planned a job, a house, a family - one your own.
I'm learning from my elderly parents how NOT to be what they are. They have made poor choices in life and expect others to compensate for it on the other end of their life because they refuse to own their poor choices. Can't happen, we are all only accountable to God for ourselves. Too bad they didn't get it for themselves, but we are not the fixers for them. Loving family also includes tough love and it must be applied when needed. Don't feel guilty to make decisions that protect yourself. No one should be allowed to cost you your health, all aspects of it. Sometimes, you have to take a breather and step away. It's ok. Doesn't mean we don't love or care, just means we are not allowing abuse to us. Prayers 🙏
@@yvonnemasters5078Yes, my husband and I say that we will not do this to our children. We even tell our teenage children that we will not do this to them as we age and if we do they are to remind us of our conversation. I want be the change to our family tree and stop the unhealthy generational behaviors.
Thank you everyone!
No contact can be a great thing!
🎉
I had to & for the last 9 years it's been the most peace I've ever known. I had to get 1000 miles away. She's 85 & my life has never been so calm, I'm learning to not be a doormat & am still healing. I thank God for this channel
I absolutely agree. I have found delivery service for gifts is also helpful. Can't bitch about me when I have sent the nicest gift(on purpose). Haven't seen them in a few years not even sure how many and don't give a rat's ass.
It's the best decision I've made. Such a relief not to have to talk to those awful people.
Peace 💜☮️💜
Before I turned 3, my father told my grandmother that one day I’ll grow up and push him around the house in a wheelchair, taking care of his needs. My grandmother promptly dismissed that with a “Please! She will be going on about her life!” Thank you Grandma, RIP
And my first mistake was being delivered with the trouser snake, not the pee pee slot...
My sister, then 9yo, told my narcissist mother that when she was old and in a wheelchair, she'd push her off a cliff!!
A narc only gets worse with age. Especially a covert narc
with the inheritance game.
Money always the key.
Guess I’m lucky-my father has nothing to use that way😂
You do deserve anything with that attitude!
@@madisona3907 What ??!
Yes,just lie my mother.
I’m an only child who had 2 narcissistic parents. 1 down 1 to go. I am so looking forward to some peace and freedom
❤ this is me. 2 parents who I’m just realizing are narcs. Thanks to Jerry and social media I’m unpacking this.
Same here. When my father died in 2016 I felt nothing but relief. Have been no-contact with mother for ten years. If you're wondering, no she didn't tell me my father had died. I suppose that was her way of lashing out at me for "abandoning" her. I found out on social media weeks after the funeral. Oh well.
😂😂gee whiz
I am an only child as well, and both my parents are narcissists.My parents are 93, and they may end up outliving me? I love them, and care about them, and do what I can to help them out. But it has taken a toll on my mental, and physical health. I’ll be glad when it’s all over.
@@shadoobie you are claiming a wasted life. That's a lie. I hope you realize your folly.
😳 Wow! I am 61yrs Old & I just always thought my mother was a mental patient 🤦🏻♀️. I could never pinpoint exactly what was wrong with her. She’s a Narcissist!!! I’ve been enlightened 🙏🏻
REMEMBER: Even prison inmates get food, shelter, clothing and medical attention.
This is important to remember!
@JennyT101 You are correct! Inmates don't even have to earn those things - it is given to them because inmates are entitled to having them.
This!
@@syguzman5739woah. The fact this shocks me is sad.
This is such a great point to remember.
So true …. People observing do not realize your parent has been “ill “ with something since you were a child and whatever you did then wasn’t enough and it still isn’t enough -thank you
Well they can take care of them as far as that goes. Good luck
Exactly.
If those people like your parents so much, they can take care of them.
👏🏾
Thank you. It was important for me to listen to this message.
My sister and I will soon retire. After 3 years taking care of our father and 5 taking care of our Mother, with no help or support from our 2 brothers, mother doesn't want to move to a nursing home where she can have the proper care she already needs being 93.
She doesn't care if we are already exausted, 8 years with no vacations.
She doesn't care for our health issues.
So, now it's the time to take care of ourselves.
@@anafernandes225 stay strong, she will become as a viper!
I just discovered who my mother really is in 2022. I am 57 year old. I am upset at myself for allowing her to manipulate me most of my life. She convinced me that some members of the family were selfish and bad. I believed her. I discovered the truth and how twisted she can be. Now, I see through her. She only has her tongue left functioning and boy it is a loaded weapon.
Sorry that you went through it for so long
I was 52 before the dawning revelation. We just want a Mother so much, it’s denial of the fact we never had one.
I'm so sorry yall. ❤❤❤
You didn't know what you didn't know. Just think they're children of narcissistic parents that died still not knowing who they were dealing with and blaming themselves. I understand you wanting to have known this sooner. I felt the same way. But I feel like we all knew something wasn't right our assumptions just weren't validated until now. Knowledge is power. Now that you know protect your peace.
I never got to know any of my relatives because I hated them as I was taught. They are all dead now. My living nephews and nieces think I’m a monster in exactly the same way. I haven’t seen my nieces and nephews in 10 years. (thats how bad they think I am 😮)
It's not just parents. Siblings try it on also and guilt blame everyone around them.
I used to think that my abusive brothers were the problem. Until I found out that my mom give all her money to them and trash talk me. That explained so much. Now I know from where they got the nerve to beat me and walk as nothing happened. Because mommy dearest will never punish them and she is low key happy because she is jealous that my father loves me. I am a nerd and my father is a nerd too. I always said she was my step mom not my mom.
It was hard to watch your video. It was like re-living a nightmare. My father lived to be 98. I took care of him for 16 years. He was mean to me and my 2 sibling just dumped him on me and then went on living their lives. I was there when he died and his last words to me were cruel. Too bad he did that because now those words are what I think of when I think of him. Your video made me feel like crying even tho he's been gone 8 years. Now I'm free and happy. No one calls me names anymore..
I feel your pain. I'm 52 and my narc bipolar father messed me up. I've told other family members the happiest day of my life will be when God finally calls him home. I hope you're having a wonderful life now.
@@bright2915 Thank you for your kindness. And YES I'm having a peaceful life.I'm the only one in my family still living. No one to be mean to me anymore. Hope I get a few more years. I wish you peace and joy too,
You made the painful sacrifice, your conscience is clear. It is sad tho.😢
The best videos I have ever seen to cover the issues of adult children who survived narcissistic parents and how to heal. Thank you so much, Jerry!
Appreciate it!
Exactly heal. Not have the same unhealthy attitudes
@@jerrywise Could you please do a video on when the elderly parents tries to guilt you back after no contact and the family monkeys are being recruited for backup? How do you hold strong? I keep telling myself "You'll only be feed in several different ways, don't do it" But damn, the guilt is still there.
@@gmoney6595 Thank you. I needed that. I keep telling myself keeping my peace but feeling a little guilt feels better than the price I would pay.
@@GenXHeart same thing is happening to me! it´s so stressful and upsetting :( I ´politely but firmly´ told the flying monkeys (sisters) I won´t be in touch with them; and narc mum can email me directly (I haven´t spoken in 10 years, live abroad). Now blocked both sisters. Cut off their flying monkeys and pre-empt any new flying monkeys they might recruit. I had to legitimately make a war map with post-its! Don´t fall for the gaslighting, manipulation, guilt-trips or insanity. Narc mum has silently retreated now, you see how weak and pathetic they are once they can´t access those puppet strings anymore. Just pre-empt any potential retaliations and move like a ninja in the night... don´t have a big explosion or anger outburt; they want that too. Ooof it´s so hard, but this strategy does work!
My mom had little to do with me. I grew up alone at the mercy of a crazy father who had anger issues, he exploded often and took it out on me. My mom did nothing to protect me. It's sad I never really had a mom. She was a math teacher and always looked after her students, except for the one needing her the most. Christ healed me of all of trauma. I'm so thankfull.
That is sad but you shouldn’t blame your mother for your father actions. She didn’t protect you yes, but your father was the abuser. Your mom was cruel and unkind to you yes that is true but please accept that your father was the worst. You need to hold him accountable so you can heal completely.
I got constantly abused by my 3 big brothers. My mom let it happen to an extent then they began hitting her too. That when I realised my mom cannot protect me from them even if she wants to.
Who is Christ and how did it heal you?
Thanks for your testemony, Jesus also healed me from that! Praise the Lord!!! Be blessed, greetings from Germany. 🙏🏼❤️🙂
@@MC-vd5kpChrist is not an it just as you are not an it.
Jesus has said He knocks at the door. He seeks and He also waits to be invited in. He loves us with an everlasting love and will help us when we ask.
@@Archie-23 what's Jesus
No contact saved my life. ❤
Can't believe I am feeling so at home here. Thank you all very much for all of your valuable comments. God bless you all.
Same❤ God bless you
It's like we are all talking about the same person. It's actually insane when you think about how predictable and similar they are once you know what they are.
@@caroli216
Crazy! And sad…
No contact is the only way to freedom! Never forget how dangerous narcissists are❤
Anyone who can abuse a child is not someone I want to be around, whether that child was me or not. She can age, cry, try to make me feel guilty, but I will not care if a child abuser's fee-fees are hurt and I will not allow myself to be manipulated by a child abuser.
💯💯
As I always say....The only thing we ultimately owe our parents is reciprocation.
We don't owe our parents anything. Respect is a two way street.
If you mean reciprocating how they treat us, then yes
Woooow - i Never even THOUGHT of it like that! THANK YOU. It's so so SO ...FACTUAL... Wish I could have learned this years ago... And NOW: i pray this knowledge becomes a BELIEF and a MORAL/value/etched into my entire being....
Brilliant.
Brilliant
I've learned they aren't good at keeping up with their schemes and tell on themselves. The truth comes out so clearly now.
Yes! My mother forgets her schemes n makes herself look like the liar tht she is!! I found my earrings and my sneakers in a closet I was like wtf? She literally stole from me and she can't even fit my sneakers. She's stolen so much then turned around and lied abt it, she is so pitiful! Like wtf are u doing with my things? N what else do you have? 😳 Creepy azz
The way he talks about living with a narcissistic parent is actually comforting. Most people don’t know what it’s like and I’m glad finally someone understands. I found these tips helpful.
If anyone critiques you about not taking care of your elderly relative, kindly invite them to spend a month with said parent and report back
But they're always nicer to other people.😢
@@Cherrybee61 they are indeed, however, they can’t hold that fake nice for more than a couple of hours, The mask falls off to reveal their true self
The simple answer to all those "flying monkeys" is: "If you're so concerned, then YOU do it." And block them if you want to.
@@Cherrybee61 maybe, however their mask will slip before long
Who are these people that have the authority to opine on our familial relationships? Id carry around a hand mirror in my pocket book if I were you, hold it right up in their face when that neck gets to flapping about what you "ought" to be doing. Audacity might be at an all time high but I could give a rats ass.
I'm 47 years old, used to talk to my mom on the daily, we were actually pretty close up until last year when I discovered she's a covert narcissist and explained to her how that has been bringing me down for the last 20 years of my life. She decided to leave my house in which she was vacationing at the time and no longer contacts me. 🤘 So be it. I cannot control another's behavior but I can definately control my own.
Yeah I think my mom is a covert one too. It came to a head as I was going into my mid and late 20s and my fiance and I werent letting her narcissistic boyfriend just abuse us quietly like she wanted. I have no idea why she wants abusive partners but we were not obligated to suffer through it. Especially not when it turned physical and she proved she had no qualms about him threatening to ☠️ us.
I hope you keep knowing your worth. At the same time I hope you get to say your piece, establish boundaries and have some sort of relationship somehow someway♥️
covert Narcissist is very common@@forumkitty
Narcissistic discard once she realized her game was found out.
Ha ha. That sounds silly. I know my mom isn't perfect, but I am still cordial and respectful with her. I won't tell her all her imperfections in her face. That's for me to know. And she gets as far with me as I let her without me needing to cut her out of my life. I have come to accept her, the good and the bad. When she leaves this earth, I will have no regrets. I did my part regardless of her faults. I myself was no perfect child. No child is perfect, why would I expect my parents to be perfect.
My mother has always acting as child, an evil one. She have ruin my entire life.She is a covert narc , but the worst part is no one believes me..I can't even find words for how much pain I am in..
I believe you. They annihilate you at every turn.
@@leslierisan7603Thanks♥️
I believe you too, mom is like that. Sending you love
Both my parents are like that. They taught me a very negative outlook on life. My family accepts their bad behavior and treats me badly for leaving. I just want to be treated like a valuable human. But it won't happen. My friends become my family.
I believe you. Since my grandmother moved in with us, everyone’s anxiety went up, as well as ailments. And when we tell others about her behavior we are dismissed or told we are not doing enough to accommodate her. She doesn’t appreciate us, but loves her son who does NOTHING for her
I have had the fantasy of them passing since about 16years old. I used to think I was a mean person but then someone explained I was my psyche keeping score of the Narc Abuse. And it was quite normal.
We've all been there. Forgiveness is for you, not them. You aren't wrong and you don't owe them.
Its so hard for me knowing that they are like this because of their own childhood trauma and neglect, but toxic is still toxic and I can only save myself.
Remember. They are choosing to be the way they are. They went through trauma. Experienced the same abuse they put you through and knowing first hand how it feels to go through that instead of stopping the cycle they chose to continue it. You didn't make that same choice. You chose to be better. They chose to be worse.
My Mother is a narcissist from an ideal childhood where she was loved by parents and many childless Aunts and Uncles as well as Grandparents. She was given anything she needed and experienced no trauma just normal life stuff. She was the center of their world in her family and she grew to expect all to worship and cater to her. So, not all comes from trauma. Perhaps you know the narcissism originated in trauma. This is different. My point is that we shouldn’t assume that trauma was the cause. In my opinion, even if trauma was the cause of a personality or behavior disorder as an adult it is our job to fix ourselves through therapy and growth rather than just inflict our damage on others. I have empathy for everyone’s pain but I will never give a free pass to anyone passing their pain on to others.
@@KaraBaker-ux3wr "I have empathy for everyone’s pain but I will never give a free pass to anyone passing their pain on to others." I agree
I'm a Licensed Psychotherapist, and work with people on this issue every day! This is 100% spot on, in regards narcissistic parents.
I’m ready to disown my parents!
They’ve taken my whole damn life.
I did it! And the only regret is not doing it sooner. They filled my life with so much poison, toxicity, backstabs, betrayals, negativity, sabotage
@deliquescencemusic not your whole life. You're still living.
I disowned my mom. One of the best decisions I've ever made.
You can do it. there are many of us who had to make that first step it is the scariest thing in the world at first but I promise you you have what it takes to live the rest of your life free of abuse.
@@deliquescencemusic do it! Being abused by a narc can be addictive though bec you don’t know any better. Beware of this
Our mother overtly expressed her regret that I was born. The fight was nearly relentless, from my first day to the day I finally walked away. The neglect, abuse, supply-seeking, slander, and manipulation never ended. Every attempt to reason with her, any over independent, healthy defiance of her pathological behavior would provoke her rage and vengeance.
That is so bloody sad 😢 I hope you find acceptance and peace in your healing journey xo
Same experience except my mother liked to say she wished she would have had an abortion. Now a a pro tump supporter and pro life😂
From the very first sentences, I got nauseous. I was not looking for videos on this subject. I did do a search a year or so ago. This is exactly my life! I have been controlled with guilt for my entire life. I’m 52 and I only realized this a year ago. Your video is uncomfortable for me to watch, but it is also so helpful. Thank you.
Absolutely true. My Mom likes to corner us into doing things instead of asking if we are available. She never says please or thank you. She goes out of her way to tell everyone how we don't care about Her. A couple of years ago I stopped giving in to Her complaints. I told myself I wouldn't be running arround like a headless chicken. Needless to say I've been branded the Witch of the family because she cannot manipulate me into doing anything I don't want to. I'm fine with that because now I get live my own life.
My husband and I saw the future. Caring for my ungrateful hateful narc parents and his narc mom. They were draining us financially and emotionally.
We realized they would use us up if we let them. As in they'd be at our funerals if we stayed their slaves. They were making us sick. (Literally mother in law kept "accidentally" giving my husband food poisoning. )
So we jumped ship and moved states away. So far my dad got mad at me for not talking to him enough "you've changed since you moved". Every time he disrespects me I tell him to get therapy and he hates it.
And my mother in law told my son she's written us out of the will. But she still expects my husband to go back and do work on her house for free.
So it's been a case of the trash taking itself out. They're completely on their own when they get sick enough for care. We had planned on staying involved without personally giving them care directly. Now if they need help we'll be like "who's this?".
It's so weird watching a narc destroy their own lives.
They do self destruct. It is bewildering watching my parent being lied on, sabotaged, and abused but still finding it okay to abuse me the only person helping her. It defies logic!
i love your attitude: new phone who dis? good for you!
So many ‘narcs’ connected to you both ?
@@karyne826 yeah?
Two of my favorite quotes (I learned these late in life): 1) Givers need to learn to set boundaries because takers don't have any. and 2) The only people who will be upset with you setting boundaries are those who benefited from you not having any.
My husband and I both have narcissistic mothers and enabler fathers. We went no contact with all of them and are happier for it. We aren't their retirement plan.
Please do a talk on how narcissists are vulnerable to being grifted, especially as they grow older. They will give everything to a "flying monkey", but not their children, who actually care about their health and well being.
Exactly, it falls under Inheritance manip point
💯
Yep they blow money on “opportunities” and squeeze you to do stuff for free
My mother will buy outsiders gifts…but somehow she never has it when my birthday comes around
My husband and I have been disinherited and cut off from my MIL because we have set some healthy boundaries and questioned why her paid caregiver has moved her 8 time felon son into a trailer on my MIL's place. We had a PI do a comprehensive background investigation and it was far worse than we ever dreamed of. MIL refuses to believe it and has completely cut us off and left a smoking trail of reputational destruction with all of our relatives due to her slander campaign. So yes, using money to hurt and manipulate those who dare to question her judgment is all too common, sadly. I think for narcissists, having minions who are bought and paid for is more convenient than caring children who may not always agree with her impulsive, reckless decisions. Narcs love 'yes' people who bow and scrape.
my whole life my mother would tell me how she never wants to be put into a nursing home,once as a kid i saw a bumper sticker that i read aloud laughing,"Treat your kids good today, because one day they will be to ones who decide if you're put you in a home." I didnt know she was a covert narcissist until i hit 30, but id always reassure her, "Brother and I would never allow you to go into a home." I havent talked to her for 4 years,for sure she will go into a home unless my brother wants her living with him.
I spent years telling my mom I will never abandon her, and am now temporarily NC until she at least attempts to get some help. It’s crazy how long we can go before we figure it all out.
I’m going simply crazy right now with my 81 year old mother, who loves to put me down ect, I spent last night crying after a phone conversation with her. I’m 59 and still trying to figure it out and the guilt is eating me alive.
@@lorileewalters2018listen to more of these videos and get some therapist help…. You need the ❤
@@Jp18888 Yes, good loving advice! 💕
we owe these selfish blood sucking narcs NOTHING!
When arguing with my elderly narc dad, I said I never chose to be born, and I owed him nothing for brinhing me into this miserable family. And I would never leave my job to take care of them, i would unalive myself before I would let that happen.
Im finally understanding that they will never ever change. Any positive sign of progress is just them telling you what you want to hear and simply get better at faking it.
They don't get better, change and warm up to you. They double down and get worse and worse, the mere idea of discussing truth and reality to them becomes a flashpoint for a rage fit. My narcs just told me to never come home, they want nothing to do with me - they are the victims at this point, after I put up a boundary and called out their abuse.
Boundaries make them furious and hell would freeze over before they ever take any accountability or apologize and mean it.
I just called my mom out on her abuse. She is 89 and I have been taking care of her for over 10 years. She lives in her home and I live 6 miles away. She has Alzheimers. I have searched far and wide (I have a medical background) to find treatments for her such as HBOT, MCT diet, vitamins, exercise, etc. I take her everywhere and spend about 16 hours with her on weekends. Recently I did 40 HBOT treatments for her which meant I was there 5 days a week or more and I work. Today after may arguments with her blaming me, I walked out. I was cooking her lunch and making 3 dishes for her to have during the week and she was in the hyperbaric chamber. She started banging on the chamber yelling for me and then telling me off for not getting her out within the 50 minute time period. I had my phone timer on which said 49 minutes but she does not understand after a year and a half of daily explanations, that you don't start the timer until the chamber reaches pressure which is only about 5 or 10 mins. I was running back and forth to the kitchen cooking, baking, and checking on her. When she yelled again like that, in spite of all the work I was doing (did same yesterday) I told her I am not taking the abuse anymore and that I will find her another person to take care of her. Then of course she became the victim saying she is scared in the chamber when I am not in the room. Well, she has been in the chamber for over a year and a half so it is nothing new. I know she has AD, I understand that when her MCT wears off she has hypoglycemia of the brain. To make a long story short, it is constant blaming me for anything that goes wrong in her life and making me responsible yet she won't take my advice to actually do anything about it. I have no life, am constantly worried about her but at this point it is clear she will never stop being the abuser she was all of my life.
Same.
she told me word for word she gave birth to me so that i would take care of her... then she fell and broke 3 ribbs. I have a job and two kids ( one has autism). My mom lives in a different town. for 3 years i begged her to move to the appartment i own in the town i live in 10 minutes from my place. i was expected to work, deal with my kids and travel every day to a different town to take care of her. and i did that for 3 years. Last summer i have said enough. This dear man has described my mother word for word.
I bet you were also insulted and humiliated as an ungrateful human while you were literally sacrificing your life for your mom
Thank you for this video. I’ve just realized I was a scapegoat to my older sister who bullied me my whole life. She gaslight and harmed me physically since I was very young. I was abused by her. Sadly I was an autistic child that could not defend herself. Now I am exploring the narcissism her though my mother that never looked out for me. So I was an unseen, silenced child for the longest time. When I started to defend myself they just reinforced their rejection. I am dealing now with the fact of never been loved by them. Their narcissism was not so obvious to me, it was kind of subtle.
❤
I am very sorry all that happenned yet I am very glad you have found your strength and believe in yourself for the rest of your life.❤
My ageing parents cannot hire domestic help because my mother keeps mistreating the maids and they end up quitting. The last time I visited them, mother tried to pressure me to quit my job and move back in with them to do the household chores. Hell no! 😂
That's wild
My mom attempted the same from the victim help me place. I felt so guilty but ain’t no way in hell. Ain’t no way in hell.
My mother did the same and I realize too late, probably because I'm in the spectrum (authistic).
My wife has found many domestic help. MIL hides her jewelry and blames the help. Last summer my wife and I found all the hidden gems, my MIL said my wife and maid were plotting together to steal from her. As of today MIL is accusing the current help of stealing meat from the freezer.
@@alessandrazaharoff2727hi 👋 love seeing neurospicy folks 😀
Being around narcissistic parents grows old really fast.
The good part of being around an aging narc parent, is that it makes it clear how abusive they are. The last time I saw my mother, I have traveled 8 hours to see her. She immediately started screaming at me to leave... "You are useless, you have always been useless!!!"
Mostly because I stopped being manipulated. When I left the long hallway of a large urban hospital, I could still hear her screams.
I thought to myself, "Thanks for clearly things up Mom."
Same experience here.
Hard to reconcile hating your parents. When I see everyone else's family so loving and together. Just sad.
That's awful.
Wow. At least your mom doesn’t have the fake niceness while she destroys your life. At least it’s clear she’s a monster.
@@shasmeen It wasn't so clear (at least to me) until I was grown. I have indeed learned to be grateful for the clarity... but even then, it takes people like Jerry Wise and Jay Reid (also on RUclips) for blowing some of the smoke out of the room.
@@fredhubbard7210 Nevertheless, it is a very hurtful experience and I am sorry you had to go through that.
My dad has suddenly stopped being horrible after decades of narcissistic behaviour, happened right after my mum passed away .Now I'm expected to forget? I'm absolutely full of trauma.
I hate to tell you this but kindness of the wicked is additional cruelty.
@@bostongirlsandy What do you mean?
@vanessaharling1957 He is being "fake nice" to you. My friend's narcissistic "mother" did the same to her. We figured out that she was getting her information about her life/wants/dislikes and selling it to third-party foreign and domestic factions to scam and set her up for crimes. This is called concatenating.
My parents always told me as a child that I need take care of them when they are old.
As an 11 years old child I said, that I won't do that. And I never changed my mind about that.
Good for you.
Mine did too
Excellent video. More people need to understand this. No one should allow their narcissistic abuse & guilt trip. A roof over your head with clothing & food is something even an orphanage would provide. We owe them nothing if they were never there for us.
Man i think i had the greatest parents on earth...selfless, caring, and humble. Sorry to anyone that had to deal with narcissistic parents:( i dealt with a narcissistic sociopathic wife was the absolute worst hell i ever experienced
I can’t even imagine how that would feel, but I know it must be nice 😊 glad to hear you had great parents
They want you to be happy with the scraps they have provided you because that guilt trips you so you stay obliged.
For me, mom has gotten much worse as she ages. Perhaps it is two-fold, worrying about getting older and the fact that I've gotten better at not being duped by her manipulation. Gradually, it has affected me less and less, but what a painful process! Thanks for videos like this. It has been a part of my education and therapy!
My mother is about to turn 70 and over the last year has just been awful. The positive thing is that this has woken me up to the reality of what's been going on for the last 45 years. She has told us that she will see to it that she will never live in "a home", but I do know that I will not be taking care of her. Agreed that these videos are very helpful!
My mom will turn 52 this year and I started seeing it once she got a narcissistic alcoholic boyfriend who abused her as well as me and my boyfriend. Once my grandma passed from cancer, it got a lot worse and it was like she no longer had anyone forcing her to pretend to care about me. I realize now my grandma is why I got any decent parenting out of my mom. There was a few years my grandma had to raise me in middle school while my mom was almost dying from graves disease and those are probably the least problematic I had in my life until I went no contact with my mom 15 months ago
I'll take GOOD care of him. I'll treat him like he treated me. 😊
Easier said than done unless you were designed to be an abuser.
My mum alienated everyone at the retirement home. She thought she was manipulating everyone against each other and didn't realise, because of her increasing dementia, she forgot what she said to whom. The other people living there worked out what she was doing and avoided her. She got angrier and angrier, making things worse for her. Everyone was so nice to us because I think they pitied us having a mum like her.
She refused to pay the bills for the home help and nurse we organised for her, when she died we were left with a huge bill. So much for inheritance!
She died alone. All I could think of at the funeral was "ding dong the witch is dead."
She's been gone five years, my sister and I are slowly building a relationship back after being pitted against each other for 5 decades. Some days I still burn with hate for her, other days, I'm relieved she's gone.
This exact set of situations is happening to my marriage. My wife has recognized these issues and gone low contact before our second child is born, based on what happened after our first child was born (a complete mask off, scapegoat, enmeshment mess with her parents and sister). I told her to get ready for the aging angle, and within 48 hours her mother texted her for her SS# because they are preparing their will.
48 hours.
Thank you Jerry, my beautiful wife watches your material now and it has really helped me step away from my own over involvement with the issues.
Your in-laws don't need your wife's SSN to complete their will!!!
Holy tapdancing St. Mary!
They want to pry into your financial information.
My sister's asked me for my SSN because they were "helping mom do her taxes."
No, I didn't give them that information.
They were not happy.
I'm way past caring about what pleases them.
Be careful - narcissistic parents will try to pry into your personal life.
Don't let it happen.
@@OceanSwimmerya they for sure want to pry, but we know that and definitely have protections over our identity. It was just a lame attempt to get a phone call at their demand- which failed.
Since it’s her biological parents they obviously have access to that information anyways 🤷🏻♂️.
Appreciate the sentiment, cheers.
It's really scary, how accurate this all is. 😳
The neglectful narc parents barely give the basics to their children. They rely on others to do their parenting for them, giving nothing in return. Then be the brain washed idiot for them as they age. My sister & mother have no empathy for others, only themselves. They are very controlling people. In the long run the backstabbing they have caused to me & others have turned on them. These individuals will shorten your life to extend theirs. This year moving far away from them Thank God.
Exactly both my parents. You spoke my heart out thank you.
Take from your life to extend theirs . I feel this
Run and never look back!
I'm 68 years old and my 92 and 89 year old parents put the entire burden on me to sell their house and their stuff, find assisted living for them and move them in. It nearly killed me and now I just simply count down the days until they're gone. I get Bible verses tossed at me daily about how I have to honor my parents. It took me until now to figure out they were narcs who simply want to manipulate me to avoid responsibility and exert control.
My parents do the same thing with Bible verses, it's so hypocritical!
narcs are demons
68?! The shit never stops 🤦🏾♀️
You honoured them. You carried your cross. You dont have to listen to others' versions of what a Bible verse says ❤
I’m 40 years old and my mom did that to me before she died. Always saying honor your mother and your father. Making me feel guilty about everything. Especially the fact that I got married and have children. Always putting everything I ever did with my life down and using God and his beautiful word as a tool against me. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You’re not alone. ❤ God bless you in your future ❤
My friend said something that really stuck with me - “I didn’t ask to be born”…
At one point, my mom stopped being able to get to the grocery store herself. Instead of planning ahead, she would call me and say "I'm out of food and I'm hungry NOW," expecting me to drop everything and rush to the store for her!
👺nope!
My daughter was telling me the other day she was going to Starbucks. I told her pick me up a banana bread. She sent me a 😂. I'm in New Jersey, she's in Kansas. But she said she enjoyed the pumpkin spice bread. It's awesome having a good relationship with my kids I missed with my mother. Remember don't let them break you down anymore. The last time I saw my mom, my sister was in the hospital. We only talked about my sister. Only because I had a rental car and could take her home and get her set up from the hospital to home. My mother's car was in the shop I guess. I flew in from Jersey. They still live in the same town. My mother is one of the reasons I don't live in Kansas.
Oh I know how that goes! My elderly (and very controlling) mother is constantly asking me for last minute help. Never ever plans ahead, so I am constantly blindsided with her last minute text messages, needing something from me within the hour. Can't wait to move 50 miles away, my plan.
I wouldn't answer the phone.
@@fenderblue9485 😆 duh you weren't talking to me. This isn't even the comment I made 🤣 I'll delete that novel now 😳
When news broke that the paternal donor passed, I felt instant relief. Relief that, that monster will never get the chance to hurt me again.
To feel relief when someone passes means they were a horrible person. Parent or not, they were horrible to their children
agreed...
Had the same experience.
That's why I left home & seldom spoke to my mother. I refused to manage her life. Tried to fix our relationship when older & saw how toxic she was. Didn't cry when she died.
During parts of the video I felt resistance, like a subtle attempt to justify my parent. Also, it’s interesting that some of the described behaviors that we can anticipate from narcissistic parents I grew up with as the norm. I learned that my parent is a narcissist much later in life through therapy. To be honest, I still struggle with recognizing narcissistic tendencies, because much of that was so normalized. It’s a lifelong process to undo and reprogram to the healthy. This video is a wonderful reminder and it helps me to reinforce what setting healthy boundaries with my parent looks like.
My mother turned me into the family servant. I was 12 years old. Including mum and dad we were a family of 9. None of my siblings were expected to help. When mum got old I realised the willing horse had died. I was done.
I’m a real “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of guy, and I’ve lived my life that way. My children are living their life that way. My parents did the same.
But reading these comments - listen, if you had a narcissistic mother (is that even a “mother”) and you get up and face life at ALL everyday, then God bless you! Holy crap. I couldn’t imagine.
My wife had a narcissistic father and mother. But fortunately they are both dead, and dead before they infected my children. My wife struggled terribly. Her family is pretty much a wreck.
It’s asking a hell of a lot for someone to overcome having to live in the nightmare.
If you are one of these children, good on you for making it this far!! Mad, mad respect for you!
I'm not worried about promises, I already know I'm getting screwed over
My brother badgered the hell out of me so I'd move my mother in with me to take care of her. She didn't have a memory problem, but declared she didn't know who I was, or who my son was. She certainly knew who 'brother' was. Double gaslighting! It didn't last long because I almost lost my frickin mind!😮
Why doesn't he move her in with him?
You were good to try, mine moved back to her home province after her middle husband retired, I could have used her back up here with my kids but that's someone else's life then with covid I couldn't visit, now here so many old folks homes closing but not hers as it's a gouvs, what blessings I've had!
let me guess your brother is the golden child, and you are the scapegoat.
@@miriam100ful Right on! I'm in my late 60's now and he still thinks I need to conform. Ha! I have defected from my family of origin. Our parents are long gone. My goal is to live out the remaining days of my life with a sense of clarity and peace! ❤️
omg!!!!! they both sound so toxic! sound like my family members!
Jerry you nailed this.
My mind is BLOWN- I have experienced all of this. All of it. I can’t be hurt anymore. The worst has happened. I need to keep saying this until I believe it.
My mom hated me and never said, I love you. I did everything for her. Starting from age 5yrs old. She was a witch putting spells on me all of my life . Just to take care of her. She ruined my relationship. After my dad passed, I walked away with no contact.
I feel for you! I would say “I love you” to my 90 yr old mom & I meant it but she wouldn’t say it back but she would pour on the lovey dovey with my golden child sis on the phone. She would be looking straight at me making her narcissistic smirk. I’ve been no contact for a few years & sis is her caretaker. I wish that the 3 of us could have a nice loving relationship & share the caretaking but it is not to be.
@James-dk8bp I went no contact as well. It has been a little over 2 yrs now. I even moved out of state.
My mom said "I love you" only if/when she wanted something. As far as I'm concerned, those three words are the most abused words in the English language.
Wow, sounds familiar! The part about casting spells hit home. Guess I’m not the only one. ❤ a heart kindness to you.
This was so validating to the feelings I have toward my 82 yo covert narc mom. Dad died 2 years ago and between that and her age she has only become worse with the manipulation, guilt tripping, and victim mentology. I’m an only child and it all falls upon me. She has money to hire a housekeeper, lawn maintenance etc, but refuses to do this; she’d rather give us money we don’t ask for so we feel obligated to do these things for her when we don’t even have time to take care of our own place. She expects us to take care of her problems and be her entertainment. The community thinks she’s great, because they only see one side of her, and I feel people think I’m an awful daughter for not being there all the time for her. After a lifetime of dealing with her, it’s sad to say that while I’ll grieve when she’s gone, there will also be relief.
My mom kicked her bf out a few years back and relies on me to do her lawn/yard maintenance despite my own yard being enough of a time suck. I know what you mean.....both parents like to gift me stuff I don't want/need and then feel obligated for me to do stuff in return. Then my dad has the nerve to point out things on my own property that "should be done" and are not when he comes over.
After being the sole caretaker of my mother for years, the demands and stress finally took their toll on my health. I had to stop working, I got so ill, but still was in caretaker mode. When I couldn't do some things for her, she said "you would have to get sick now!". As if I did it to her and was useless because of it. She's been gone 4 years now and I'm still trying to heal, in all respects. I feel badly for all the children of narcissistic parents when mothers day and fathers day roll around, how difficult it must be to hear all these praises for the parents and how much they are to be celebrated just for being parents. 😞
I’m sorry. I’m in an almost identical situation as you are; except that the “stuff” from my younger years (5-21) was more than enough for me to become ill from then until now but I’m still in my narc Mom’s clutches, despite moving away from them both and knowing that they would never want to visit me, I chose where to live with precision! Although I haven’t had the “…you would get sick now” experience I have had the “…I wished you had drowned at birth” thrown at me in a very crowded place and she made it loud enough for other people to hear it…but yet, I’m the one who has no sense of humor and that it was a joke.
Now she’s older (and he has died) I now that that she will only be looked after by me, she won’t go and eat with other family…it has to be just me…and she’s like that for any and all of life’s events…holidays have to be at one place, no one else is ever invited (including my adult children’s partners) just myself and my kids (and not even my partner has ever been invited either).
My problem is that she knows that I’m not strong enough to get out of it, physically or emotionally. She wins, just like she has always been able to do and sadly, I don’t see it changing anytime soon.
I would give you a big hug if I could ❤
@@PoppyMom1 cyber hugs right back 🤗. I know exactly how you feel, it's a terrible position to be in. There will , most likely, come a time when she'll have to be placed in a skilled nursing home.... it's rough initially, but once she's settled in, it takes some of the burden off of you. You can just communicate by phone more, the facility will have the holiday meals done up for group dining or she can just eat in her room if she'd like. I'm hoping we can both be healed soon and be able to finally enjoy life a little bit, however humble as it may be. Thank you for sharing, hang in there, I'll send some positive energy and prayers your way 🙏💕
@@ocelotcat I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness and advice. I think I’m just too trained by her…hence the daily hour long diatribes from her every day and just last night, I had told her that I wanted to watch a program at her call time, but that I would call her afterwards…you can probably guess how that turned out!! 🤗 right back to you!