Narcissistic Parents: When They Realize They Lost You
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- Опубликовано: 30 сен 2024
- In this video, I discuss what happens when narcissistic parents realize you are no longer under their influence and they have lost you.
Learning about this will help you better prepare for their pushback, resistance, and manipulations, allowing you to stay emotionally detached and remain true to yourself, even if they never change.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
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❤ my narcissistic mother knew I was ‘lost’ when my husband and I moved to Germany for his job in 2015. She died a year later.. although I was never nasty to her, she considered me a lost cause and began to ‘feed off of’ my sister who’d moved in with her in 2009/2010. She fed off my sister so much that my sister was a total basket case when my mother died. My sister demanded I come back to the states to help her pack up my mother’s stuff and help her move out (never mind we have 5 other siblings living in the states…….)
I went through a lot of psych education, writing and religious education to arrive here- being very happy and healed! 😊
Could you tackle the narcissistic parents who cloak themselves in religion?
Everyone but a handful of immediate family can see my NM for what she is bc she “buys tokens” of knowing when and how to help people (always broadcasts it, it’s never for free)…
She’s managed to sabotage my life. Nearly broken my marriage, destroyed my kids self confidence, made my dad a shadow of himself speaking with her voice. She’s cruel, insensitive, thinks it’s normal to make people cry, but everyone else thinks she’s a saint. A holy, godly woman.
I’m expected to care for them as they age (80s) and their health crumbles bc of clots, and heart issues… while bragging that that they are disinheriting our family.
The godly ones are the most terrifying.
I would appreciate this too!
⚠️❤️Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is Jesus coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤️🥹
⚠️❤️👉We are about to see Russia attacking Germany, Alaska experiencing two devastating earthquakes (magnitude 7.6 and 7.3) and the fall of Freemason Temple in Philadelphia.🙌 👉Only God knows the future. Jesus has now revealed all those details to his prophets right now! 👉CHILDREN will disappear around the world, then His true believers! Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death) for all sins. He will literally pull us out of this world so that we don't have to stay for the Judgment ( the Apocalypse). You can still call out to Him to save you after kids are gone, He will rescue you too❤️ Make sure to make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy! He sees you❤️🥹 What saves us is trust in what He did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it! 🙌❤️
exactly.. true; but what about 4 people who NEVER HAD a student LOAN, , we paid it ALL$$&& , now 4 of them ignore DAD AND Mom.. not Fun!
It's easiest just to leave your narcissistic parents behind than to maintain ties. Find a new life in a new place far away even if it's lonely and hard.
easier said then done
@@aena5995 Yeah, easier said than done especially if they are not horrible. Some are horrible and deserve to be abandoned, others are more of a mixed bag.
On it I've been granted a name change and moving across the country. Yea it's not easy it's grueling and shameful but glory is on the horizon even if I fail miserably
@larryl2398 the mixed bg as u say is playing on leverage w that act I have abandoned the idea one of my parents could still be deal w to my detriment
⚠️❤️Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is Jesus coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤️🥹
⚠️❤️👉We are about to see Russia attacking Germany, Alaska experiencing two devastating earthquakes (magnitude 7.6 and 7.3) and the fall of Freemason Temple in Philadelphia.🙌 👉Only God knows the future. Jesus has now revealed all those details to his prophets right now! 👉CHILDREN will disappear around the world, then His true believers! Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death) for all sins. He will literally pull us out of this world so that we don't have to stay for the Judgment ( the Apocalypse). You can still call out to Him to save you after kids are gone, He will rescue you too❤️ Make sure to make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy! He sees you❤️🥹 What saves us is trust in what He did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it! 🙌❤️
Thank you so much for this. I was raised by TWO physically and emotionally abusive narcissists, who then divorced and remarried multiple times (mom is now on husband 3, dad is now on wife 4 - my mom was his second), and they have managed to find the perfect enablers in their current spouses.
I went no contact with my dad in 2015, after he and his wife hard-core campaigned against me when they sensed that neutrality change in me, confronted me about it, and didn’t like my answer.
I went no contact with my mom in 2021 because the relationship was toxic and one-sided, but I got forced into having to deal with her last year because of a family crisis.
It’s affirming to hear that the gaslighting and reactions I got were typical of narcissistic behavior, and of their minions. Because I have really gotten ripped apart by family members, including being cussed out and called an ***hole, all just for asserting my need for healthy relationships. The grief of having “parents” who are both alive but unavailable and unwilling to provide the type of nurturing or support that I need is intense.
When they realize they've lost you, they send your flying monkey siblings to guilt you and try to manipulate you.
This!
This!
Happens every time
Yes. I went no contact with my Dad and my Sister's tried to convince me what he did wasn't "That bad" and I should "Just let it go and talk to him" knowing how much he hurt me. Long story short I ended up falling out with them too. We don't have to tolerate disrespect. Boundaries and no contact is essential.
Exactly my brother law came without notice to our house to ask questions trying to get my husband back in the spider web trap
Something I've learned in recovery from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse is that you have to advocate for yourself because no one else will. What YOU want is just as important as everyone else, and you should never have to suffer to make someone else happy.
❤💯
❤❤❤loved this comment, speaks volumes
Thank you for saying that.
Very wise ☝️
Perfectly said!❤❤❤❤
When narcissistic parents realize they lost you, their inner child screams, "Get back here, you doormat!" 😤
Seems to be the case like Scorpion tells the character he's fighting get over here comes to mind .
Yeah that sounds about right.
dead right 🎯 !
Yes I owed it to them to be their doormat. Their inner child is a self righteous toddler
Yes, or "how dare you refuse to be the scapegoat any longer?"
My mother used to say to me over and over, “Oh, Ron, you’ve changed so much. You used to be such a good kid growing up…” Often, her idea of me “being a bad kid” was merely my respectfully disagreeing with her. Not to mention the fact that my parents were completely clueless to the fact that I was absolutely miserable growing up dealing with all their toxicity….
My husband "changed" after he married me. Maybe because I tried to help him break free from his demanding family and actually have some morals and be a decent person. After a while he "changed back" into the beloved brother/son they grew up with and it almost ruined our marriage. I never would have married that person!
Narcissists love a kid's "compliance" with the role the narcissist gives them. In my case, my mother never wanted to know the true me and punished my natural individuation from her as I grew up. When I was old enough to get away and begin "no contact", she told everyone in the family that I pushed her away when all she wanted was to be close to her own son. Always the victim she was.
@@danielkaiser8971 my husband turned 50 last year and his mom insisted that I should have a party for him that he didn't want. I told him and he made it clear to her and his sisters that he didn't want a party. I "allowed " them to have one for his 40th and he said no more after that. My mil still.has no clue who my husband is. It is sad and I am sorry that you have to deal with this.
Ditto
my mom used that line too, "I don't know who you are anymore!" yeah, because I became my OWN person and stand up for myself now AND she made zero effort to know me as an adult, TF you mean
They hate individuation.
Exactly! End of story. Not allowed to be a separate person
They equate individuation with abandonment and the loss of total control over you.
@@danielkaiser8971 that is so well put.
Thnx for the new vocab word .Now I have to add it to my scrambled brain 😂
Yes, my mother always used the word ”we” instead of me or you.
Sad disrturbing stories in the comments. Won't waste your time on mine. Just good to know Im not alone.
Yep......But every 1 of our stories is precious & unique in it's ability to help further educate all of us🌞👍🏻.
You are free to share as little as you want but your story isn't a burden to hear. Glad you are here too. I'm also glad it's not just me.
Not a waste at all, your story is always welcome here 🙂
It is such a can of worms. So long for any of us to go into. All I do in life is distract myself from the truth. It’s so hard to face. I’ve gone no contact with my family. And I feel guilt about it. I do not know who I really am and have trouble with the idea that I deserve a happy life.
@@margarettelaizure3220 you deserve a happy life. i lived with a dad that is a narc, id send him holiday cards with gifts, and id get a phone call from him not really thanking me, but to pick an argument. if its not about politics, its about him spending my inheritance. or dividing me from my sister, or telling me what a bit loser i am in life. i have very limited boundaries set for contacting him. shortened phone calls ect. i live in another state then he does now. i won't go visit him anymore.
It's abhorrent that so called family want you to be miserable. They aren't family members, they're demons. Sperate and never look bad. Love is kind and free, not cruel and forced bondage like. ❤❤❤
... you are absolutely right 🎯 !
Easier said than done, if you're financially and emotionally dependent to them.
@@shairaptor1865 Yes, but not impossible.
@@katie7748 Do you have some tips? With 40yo I somehow want to grow up, move out, lead a happy life with love independent of any narcs.
Yep you're supposed to maintain a miserable state of mind just to get along
I just realized the most toxic thing ever. When a person says " I love you" and not truly mean it, just as a narcissistic entrapment tactic.
try replacing "love" with "need" and see if that makes sense. It does with me and my narc parents. They do not respect me so cannot love me but do need me
the worst! especially if when you say it you mean it...
"Yeah, yeah, ok, love you, bye"
My mother is unable to say „I love you“ to me. She would say that she couldn’t say smthg she did not feel. One day she decided to point at a picture from when I was 8 years old and told me „that’s the last time I loved you“.
Edit: IS instead of was.
And to this day I am unable to comprehend, because love doesn’t stop. I can be mad at or hurt by smone, but it does not change the fact that I love them… 🤷🏻♀️
It makes no sense.
My whole tribe lost me not only my family or family members . Good tribes never betray their families never stalk them and never harm them.
good tribes do harm each other, but they put in the work to make it right
@@kevinbissingerThat's true but they have to come around as well not just you. If they're still stancing against you after that just move on you don't want to waste a life time on trash.
Stalking is giving a crap. You want a stalker. You just want a passive one.
@@CorbinB-Rax stalking is a very very serious crime and can lead to facing charges in courts. Gang stalking is illegal. It is a crime no one deserves their life monitored 24 hours, God sees it. And you should give a crap. You should feel safe at home and out. Devices, surveillance cams, hacking your internet are serious crime and need to be exposed. Dont stalk people, you can face charges for it provided evidence .
you just hit the nail on the head TRIBES. Human success/survival relied on having a Tribe. Very rare that a human can go off on their complete own and end up successful ( I am not talking about making rent in a apartment every month and having enough money to eat) I am talking about securing equity that can be used in a person's old years when they no longer can hunt/gather. People have the habit of just thinking of themselves and what their "favorite" thing is hence leading to all this mental handicapped behavior. I am in a very toxic situation being held hostage and having to work 7 days a week for basically nothing.
I saw my mother for the first time in 5 years. She's dying. She was still exactly the same, and berated me. I left knowing that though it hurt, I did the right thing, and I know I've made the right decisions. I won't ever see her again. I'm at peace with that.
You and me both. I'm at peace with it as well.
You and me both,im at peace with it as well. You can't treat me right then bye I'll bless you with my absence.
@JoshuaAnzalone-zk5ht She passed not long after. I'm sad that there's not the chance to heal things, but she was never going to do that. I'm okay, and continue to build better relationships than she did.
It'll be okay. It hurts, but it will be okay.
@@RayeBlevinsit's ok to mourn the mum you wish you could have had.
That's why no contact is the best bet because you don't have to go through any of that nonsense back and forth with them and slowly teach them and explain to them how to behave. That is too draining. Thank God I went no contact in October 1995.
Cheers to that🥳👍🏻🎉🎊!
@@malwads1836 subscribed! Thx
You cant even teach them. It's a waste of time and a ploy on their part to train you to be their doormat again. They never learn because they believe they are never wrong.
@@mikeyblaze EXACTLY
Wow...impressive..❤ Congratulations for your escape for mental health.
My narcissist mom made a bunch of horrible lies about me and used those lies to kick me out of the family and her life as her excuse to be rid of me. I could never understand why she
had no love me my whole life. I was never good enough for her.
If it's any consolation mine hated me too...she never bonded with me but bonded only with my two siblings and one was my twin who never bonded with me either and she was the golden child who got to steal everything from me and I was used as a scapegoat and that's not all they did, they stuck me in a forced marriage to ruin my life and that never worked and now my own children are estranged from me , they made me out to be a failure! But judgement day will reveal all things! So don't think it's just you! Lol
It is the opposite, you are too good for her. Narcissists are nothing. Just empty vampires.
My experience too.
Hugs. There's nothing that feels good about these situations
It's not your fault
I went no contact with my narcissistic mother 4 years ago.
I saw on my phone I had “blocked” voicemails so I took a look. It was from her a year ago. Each voicemail she acted like things were peachy and there was never any issue and said things like, “you can’t stay mad at me forever, you only get one mom. You should call me I haven’t heard from you, you know, in a LONG TIME.”
You’d think 4 years of no contact a normal parent would want to know why. But not my mom. She still sees ME as the one who’s in the wrong…
My mother passed that "you only get one mom" garbage to so many people to try and get me to reconcile with her.
Hoovering and trying to get you back.
Hoovering
OMG sounds like me it's been a year and she come toy house and verbally attack me in my home were I live and she refused to apologize and even acknowledge what she did instead she telling people / my I I don't know what she told you what you heard but I don't even know why she's mad like that pisses me off because you know exactly what you did I have decided to go no contact it's to hurtful I can't write a book 😢
Yes, no accountability
I made so much progress in freeing myself when I stopped reacting to my mother when she tried to trigger me. Blank face and walk away.
You deserve the freedom 🙂
The "Im done" response
I just turned 45 a few weeks ago and it’s been 5 years since I went No Contact with my family. Last year moved a few thousand miles away just for good measure. When I turned 40 I realized it was all enmeshment and control, I attempted to make solid boundaries, that failed, arguments ensued and I cut my losses. Good luck to anyone out there going through the same. Hopefully you’ll have a partner to help you see it from outside the dynamic and believe them when they question the behaviors.
Yeah it's easier when you have a partner I'm sure, even though that partner I'm guessing would likely be blamed for any distance.
@@larryl2398 I suppose so, but them (family) blaming the partner is part of the abuse and reveals their insecurities. You really have to know yourself and your partner to avoid taking that bait. It takes nerve to stand up for yourself and families like this really don’t teach you how to do that.
@@larryl2398 came here to say this!
I understand this completely 💯 👌 🙌 AND FULLY , MY SON IS GOING THROUGH THIS NOW WITH HIS X GF AND SHES A FULL BLOWN NARCISSISTIC TO THE UMPTEENTH DEGREE
Congratulations to your 5 years! 🎉 It’s been 3 years for me.
my parents were both abusive alcoholics. I have 3 older siblings. I went no contact with all of them 28 years ago, and moved to a new continent. I will never completely heal, but I have come a long way in improving, and receiving all the skills I never received as a child.
Congratulations. I celebrate 24 years of freedom this July.
Peace and love to you. You were brave to jump continent and go no contact will ALL of them. You may not fully heal but that's just the heart letting us never forget what we survived and what we had to leave behind to survive - its a powerful lesson in self love and those of us who made such a jump can honestly say - we learnt to put ourselves first while under incredible pressure to just give up and loose ourselves instead. Its one hec of a life lesson to take on as a soul but we all triumphed if a little beaten up and bruised from the experience. We are all stronger for it as we know what we are capable of now and self care/self love is an important lesson few learn to value in this crazy world.
Well done🌞👍🏻👍🏻❤️🩹.
Wow. You went a whole continent. You meant business lol
@@tara7550 yes Tara i think that little unhealed part is a protection mechanism-well said
- 00:31 🧠 Narcissistic parents react to signs of independence and strength.
- 01:16 🚩 Any sense of detachment raises red flags for narcissistic parents.
- 01:48 🪨 Gray rocking and neutrality can trigger narcissistic parents.
- 02:20 🎄 Changes in family traditions cause anxiety in narcissistic parents.
- 03:08 🔄 Family systems react collectively like a herd of horses.
- 05:00 🧘 Practice self-differentiation by staying out of their inner dialogue.
- 06:01 🎯 Focus on your own feelings and boundaries, not theirs.
- 07:04 🚫 Expect resistance and triangulation tactics.
- 07:40 🌟 Focus on self-care, not self-centeredness.
- 08:44 🆘 Seek coaching or counseling if considering no contact.
Mother is so loving and kind to me when I’m going through a tough time & I’m in pain either emotionally or physically. BUT if I am thriving and living my best life and achieving goals and happy, she will do anything to pull me down, insult me, and try and steal my happiness.
In my opinion when she's being kind to you in a rough patch it's just a have a up close view of you suffering and taking advantage of the opportunity of looking like something good
I completely understand your comment. My mother exactly!
My narc mother is a b!tch when I am in pain and when I am happy
Bingo!
Yep, it makes them feel strong and in control. They can't stand it if you don't need them .
They erase your life behind you as you live your life. With no support system you really have to be a strong person to withstand that level of being negated.
When my husband stood up against his horrible narc mother, she blamed me😂😂. The flying monkeys worked overtime to attack me, I brainwashed, made him alienate them, won't let him call or visit, not letting him have $$ to help his brothers (we didn'thave enough ourselves back then), why does SHE (me) have the checkbook (I pay the bills), same in her household, but thats different according to her and I wasn't worth the powder to blow myself away with. Really nice folks! We didn't budge. For years she forced all the holidays, our Anniversaries were always about her then we finally had enough and walked away. When she found out I knew everything she ever said about me, her "halo" shattered and her statement to her son was that he should not have told me! Too late. I had the right to know, but I knew from day one she had it out for me.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Got the same treatment from my wife’s family. My brother in law drinks until he passes out and wets himself (sister in law will actually call her sister, my wife, and tell her this) and my father in law has crapped his pants at his sisters house drinking to much on his medication.
But I’m “the biggest drunk of all of us” according to my father in law.
I drink on yard work days and would share beers with them when they visited.
Last time my brother in law was here he had 2 beers in one pocket, another beer in his other pocket, and one in his hand. He was standing 5 feet from the fridge.
Over it.
⚠️❤️Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is Jesus coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤️🥹
⚠️❤️👉We are about to see Russia attacking Germany, Alaska experiencing two devastating earthquakes (magnitude 7.6 and 7.3) and the fall of Freemason Temple in Philadelphia.🙌 👉Only God knows the future. Jesus has now revealed all those details to his prophets right now! 👉CHILDREN will disappear around the world, then His true believers! Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death) for all sins. He will literally pull us out of this world so that we don't have to stay for the Judgment ( the Apocalypse). You can still call out to Him to save you after kids are gone, He will rescue you too❤️ Make sure to make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy! He sees you❤️🥹 What saves us is trust in what He did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it! 🙌❤️
Oh my goodness this comment feels so familiar. How are these disordered people so similar?! God bless you with health and happiness.
I admire your humor and and attitude. I hope to use it as a model for the weirdness I'm about to face. I still experience resentment and anger, but I'm happy to be in a different place when it comes to managing it. A lot of time and work has gone into coming out the other side. Congratulations on making it through.
My mother has literally used the term "I feel like I'm losing you..." when I've been distancing myself for the past few years. They sure try to use the guilt trips!
When my niece went NC with her mom for a year and went to therapy her mom ( my sis ) said to her “ don’t you even love me anymore “!
If they want you to want to stay they should treat you better, not badly and with threats and abuse. It's insane.
My alleged “parents” had the audacity to say they’d support me no matter what, and they’ve never been able to support me on just a normal day. No comfort for crying, calm for anger or reassurance in the face of fear. Nothing.
When we are born into narcissistic parents, we don't know any difference until we start venturing out into the world. Sometimes, we realize that our parents are hurtful and narcissists, we brush it off especially those like me who were raised in a "religious" home.
I've talked to and witnessed many family dynamics when people would reminisce with family and their parents about fun, loving memories of childhood which went on for hours, some went on for days. I can count on one hand semi- good childhood memories.
My narcissistic father passed away several years ago. I'm left to deal with my mother. My parents divorced when I was 6 and me being the oldest of 3, I was left to tend to my younger siblings. Yes, at the age of 6.
When the straw and the camel's back came together was when I was taking a business trip several years ago when I had to call for a shareride. To my surprise, a sweet elderly lady came to pick me up to take me to the airport.
She had a beautiful, loving energy as I got into her car and sat on the driver's seat. We chatted while we were in traffic and time seemed to have flown so quickly. I sincerely enjoyed that car ride with her and I was disappointed that it was ending.
As I exited her car, I saw her exited and rushed over to my side to give me a big , tight motherly loving hug and wished me a safe trip. I felt her sincerity and love when she hugged me. She may have felt that I needed it.
I thanked her and handed her some cash. I checked in my baggage and ran to the restroom and started crying because I have never, ever felt that kind of love from my parents or anyone who were in a parental figure.
It took a ride share driver to give me a 30 second love which I haven't forgotten. That happened 14 years ago.
I stopped talking to my Mother who put her men including her ex husband, my 2nd stepfather who was a molester before me and my siblings. She puts her car, her dogs, her shoes, her clothes, her purse, her jewelries ahead of her children. None of her children talk to her and we're forever the devil children to her.
I'm in a good place now.
Thank you for your channel.
Take your time in healing ❤️
Wow, I’ve got tears in my eyes just reading this.
That was tuff to read but thanks for sharing. It all sounds familiar and we are soooo grateful you are in a good place now. Cheers,hang tuff
Jessica, your story was so touching, thank you for sharing! I'm sending a hug your way right now dear, God bless you!
I don't know how abnormal my life was until I seen my friends in the relationship that some of them had with their parents and I was like whoa it was simple stuff that made me realize I jacked I. Am
The woman who birthed and raised me is mad I hung up on her after she said horrid things about my dead boyfriend. She chased me around my grandma’s funeral because I wouldn’t apologize.
I'm so sorry to hear that, Jennifer. Those are both horrible memories, and I'm sure you have others. May God bring you true peace in spite of these situations.
Stay strong. I would have hung up, too.
I am so sorry she did that to you! That is absolutely **not** the behavior of a good mother! Karens, one and all...
Thanks so much. It fresh because it’s last week. My boyfriend’s mom is my real mom now.
Happy u have a good m.i.l❤
Breaking the abuse cycle it's absolutely amazing, just let them be. You'll be grateful soon enough, God is good. Thank u
What’s hard is that narcissism is a response to their inner hurt, and you love them and feel their pain, so as a child you want to make them feel better. But you have to learn you can’t fix it for them. They have to do to work of healing themselves. I see narcissism as a childish refusal to grow up and deal with one’s own problems.
Its not just childhood wounds Most people have them Many of us had narcissistic parents or otherwise unable to be our real self in the home Nurture brings it out but its def part of their nature as well They have terrible diseased souls
My mother never hugged me, said I love you, read a book to me or supported me. My dad was my rock.
Same! Thank God for dad.
Others are so lucky. I had to psycho parents.
Same for me. Exactly the same.
I never had these things from either of them.
I was deliberately excluded from family events by my stepmother. When my sister directly invited me & my family, brother in law said we wonder why you never attended all the other times. I told him stepmother excluded me. He responded with multiple reasons/excuses stepmother said behind my nonappearance. All lies.
God knows everything! Take comfort in that! He will repay ! X
To hell with them literally. If your feelings are not validated , They dont care. Self care is everything live your life Go no Contact. The healing is invigorating. Time has to take its course. It's so worth it in the end .
Weather it is true or not i always tell my parents that everything is fine and I am happy. It drives them crazy.😅
Me too ! 😂
It is the guilt tripping I don't like. My narcissistic parents are both dead, but it is the surviving members who are playing the same games with me, the scapegoat, and I am not having it. Thank goodness I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. BTW my toxic family hates him.
They hate him because he treats you nicely, they hate anyone treating us nicely. They want us to suffer, the worst.
Tell your toxic family you're moving to Alaska then just pretend you don't know them.
When I stopped reacting it first made them react even more and after that they did not want anything to do with me..
I went no contact with my mother a year ago best decision ever 😊
They didn't lose me, they lost themselves.
deep
Whoa, yes
That’s it.
Yes, this! We are not dealing with whole people. We are dealing with fragments of people. I'm sure our wholeness must cut them to the quick. Not our fault, but I do have a shred of empathy (just about!) that it can't be at all fun being them. As much hurt as they cause, I would rather be me than them.
They will use emergencies/sensitive moments to regain control...recently experienced an emergency and it was an opportunity for them to make things all about them when I needed a chance to process, decompress, and heal. Really needed these reminders to differentiate and allow myself to feel.
Yes my aunt called a year and a half ago and said he fell and had to have brain surgery. I told her I'm sorry to here that and left it at that before she hung up on me without saying bye.
This happened to me last year - someone close to me had a medical emergency and I opened up thinking, they are my parents, they should understand.
How wrong was I! They somehow rang me out of the blue ( I never hear from them and they normally blame me saying they didn’t think I wanted to hear from them but still send cards and leave gifts at the front door without knocking ) Silly me should have known better.
Knowing where I worked and what days they show up at my workplace on my day off saying they are “worried about me” - they have never been to my work ( this was a new job so they wouldn’t of known if I hadn’t of trusted them with this information in my vulnerable state )they know where I live and have been to my home probably 10 times in 10 years ( normally when they need something ) after this I stopped all contact. It was the final straw.
No boundaries and this was a big one to cross. Only so many chances can be given. Only so many conversations can be had. No more back and forth. It hurts too much. It’s now my time to live and enjoy myself without guilt.
I hate that others have an opinion about me that’s based on their lies but I need to remember who’s important to me and that the ones that matter are the ones who are still around.
Phrases I used with my father after setting boundaries, "I understand what you're saying, I just don't see it that way." Coupled with, "Here's what I see."
That response wouldn’t go well my dad, at all. His response would be “you don’t tell me you disagree with me. That’s so disrespectful. I don’t know where you new generation of kids come from. When an older person is telling you something, you don’t fix your mouth to say you don’t agree with it. You shut the fuck up and listen!”.. mind you, I’m 35 years old 😒
The more I hear about narcissism the less distinct the line appear between evil and mental illness
They're not ill. They fully understand what their doing
😂😂😂😂😂
To me, when my mother was mad at me, she had those terrifying eyes. It was almost like turning into a demon. I totally see what you mean.
Absolutely. I believe mental illness is to blame for most every evil in the world.
@@jackanderson3375 They are ill. They also do not fully understand what they are doing. Psychopaths do. Not all narcs are psychopathic.
I feel compassion for ALL of us. There are so many profoundly wounded people and wounded people do really strange things. Some people are so wounded that they are incredibly dangerous and all we can do is get away from them the way we would get away from a rabid animal that is no longer itself. Some people have been completely taken over, like a rabid dog, it's almost like a possession. We can't save them.
Yes. I think this is how they stand out from the herd , humanity is nothing to them but props for a drama performance. wicked 🖤 hearted sad day when God judgment is passed down.they should seek help, they never do.
I told my mum that me and mine weren’t coming home two Christmas ago- told her we could do a different day she went quiet and then said she was really disappointed and said she had to go- later that morning my sister rang starting off why ……. And when I said we weren’t she went crazy asking me when my kids leave am I going to sit in the apartment all by myself - so last Xmas no one asked what we were doing and we weren’t invited to any Xmas eve or day celebrations ( not that we were going) but I think we now have been banned for life. There has been loads more that’s just one incident- she has turned my siblings away and I know I’m not perfect but I don’t think I deserve all my siblings not talking to me
My time in the military and then away for college and living in Tennessee afterwards made no contact much easier.
They hate my independence from them. My Mom's tactic is to call and text at between 4am and 6am. She will also book plane flights for times when it's convenient to her and not us. I'm no contact now so it doesn't happen anymore. When I lived on West Coast it was brutal as she completely ignored the 3-hour time difference.
Emotional incest narcissistic parents often use to grab you back
I stopped talking to my narcissistic "Mother" in 2001, and still, to this day, she somewhat stalks me.
We don't even live in the same city anymore...
It wouldn't matter if you moved across the country. My grandmother did this to all her kids and grand-kids. One of her kids moved clear across the country, and what did my grandparents do? Built themselves an early-version of a tiny-house and "went on vacation" at least once a year, showing up "in town" and calling up relatives whose residences dotted the US map, at the last minute, then showing up at their doors between 5 and 20 minutes later. She would criticize them about their "bad housekeeping" and not having enough place settings at the table for dinner... Then they would show up at that child's home, unannounced, and expect to be treated like royalty, and couldn't understand why anything wouldn't be running smoothly for them. They did that to my parents once, after we moved several states away, and my grandmother got so mad that she pronounced, without consulting anyone at all, that she and my grandfather would never step foot in our home again. Well, she'd made so much of an ass of herself, that was the best news in the world! So, they left and life went back to being the abusive version of "normal" that it had always been in our home. Both grandparents passed over a decade ago, and when that happened, I only had a sense of relief.
They had used me for free labor when I was 18, for a month, taking care of their home, when supposedly, I was going to be visiting with them while looking for work near their home. No, they drove off and left me to care for a 2 story large house and a 5 acre lot with a huge garden I was expected to eat from (I had no transportation; I'd flown in). And what did my Mother do that whole time? Snooped through all my things and my car, since at the time, I was still living with my parents. I was a legal adult and had a legal right, even on their property, to privacy in my journals, personal letters, and so on. But did she care about that?
Of course not - she's above the law... Anyway, I phoned her and told her what they'd done, just leaving me there, and she didn't care. Why should she? She had used me for free labor when I was 13, at a local hospital, who promised to pay $1000 to the private school she insisted on sending me to, if I did 200 hours of "volunteer work" at that hospital. That is child slavery, and that hospital still owes me $1000 they can't pay me because I was under-aged at the time, so it wasn't legal for me to be paid.
Lots of problems with my parents and my Mom's parents (Dad's parents both died before my parents met). Point being: you can never actually get away from these people, unless they're behind bars for life or have passed on, unless they don't know where you live and you have changed all your contact information, created new social media accounts they don't know about and can't trace you to, etc. You can't have shared friends or contact with family members who are in contact with them (and you don't always know who's being honest about that), or those people will (even accidentally) report information about your contact info with them (or other information about you that they will just use against you).
Best of luck to you! Just know that moving again wouldn't make any real difference, unless you're able to do that and cut off contact with them (including the flying monkeys) at the same time. Even then, moving several times over a few years might be a good idea.
Just Don’t Answer the DOOR 🚪 & Call ☎️ the COPS 👮….Problem Solved 👌 🏴😎
When I moved far enough away from my mother and stopped receiving her calls or answering letters, she began using other people to get to me. They would just appear out of the blue, and then they would report back to her... with everything they saw and heard from me and about me.
@@danielkaiser8971 "Flying monkeys" is what those other people are called.
Two years zero contact. I don’t see her name on my phone or Facebook. I don’t say her name and my negative thoughts concerning her in my childhood have lessened immensely. Two years of healing and I’m getting better but still have a lot to work through. I feel that it’s better to realize that I do not have parents, then to try to gray rock, tolerate, etc. My anxiety levels have plummeted! I can more clearly recognize triggers and work on healing them. And other people in my life or those that I meet, I can clearly recognize similar symptoms and set boundaries or be aware right away instead of waiting until it’s too late.
Don't know Jerry Wise personally but sure love the man for doing what he does. It's like I eventually had to grey wall or no contact my own emotions and feelings as a way to avoid the impending "straw that broke the camel's back"😢. There's a point where you have to re-evaluate EVERYTHING. I threw everything in a box,creating absolutely nothing around me(mentally and material things,bare bones). Then carefully started taking things out one at a time,thoroughly inspecting each piece before deciding to keep or throw away. Problem is,after you throw out all the false past,rid yourself of the npd's,you suddenly find huge empty holes inside yourself. The past is false,that affects today and tomorrow in ways most people can never fathom. Filling them is draining,frustrating,painful...all the emotions you're already exhausted from dealing with for years on end. 100% best payback is getting past it,getting healthy. A lot of work,alone. Appreciate the help👍
> It's like I eventually had to grey wall or no contact my own emotions and feelings -------------- Jerry calls that "inner no contact"
Most welcome!❤️
@@larryl2398 Ah ha,thanks...that makes sense
I wish I saw this 3 yrs ago. I just cut my mother off because she was draining and volatile
My mum is very clever , she is always nice when other people are around, but if its me and her and dad she makes comments and if i dont tell her stuff she gets nasty .she actually admitted to ne she does it because she can and because i dont react.
Which was awful , so bext time she did it i put phone down . And when i went to visit on another occasion she started because i hadnt invited to zoo with my adult children and grandchildren . (She is immobile and doesnt go out if house)
So i walked out because i couldnt deal with it.after that she told me if i everwalk out again shes washing her hands off me .(Im 59)
I dread seeing her knowing that i might get some form of verbal abuse. She actually toldme last week i should be greatful she didnt abandon me when i was child and she left my father. I think the damage these people do is awful , i dont actually know how to help myself .
Your mum is exactly like my narsissit mum says the same things . I went know contact a year ago . I broke no contact yesterday because she sent me a large amount of money I let my empathy overpower me and phoned her . Needless to say nothing has changed and we had a big argument I was distraught all day . Today I’ve gone back to no contact and am still reeling from the hurt I also sent the money back .I hear you these parents are heartless 😢
No contact. And stick to it no matter what. Don’t let her guilt you. I went final no contact in February 2023
I'm in the middle of this right now, it sucks
They are sending the flying monkeys right now
My wife and I had to disown her parents. Their legacy of child abuse dies with them. I still worry about my teenage brother in-law but we are not permitted to see him.
I hope my siblings in-law can figure out how to end the cycle in their families before they have kids.
Can a narcissistic father who's very self centered , two faced , greedy , double standard , hypocritical give you social anxiety with depression ? Cause I can't seem to get through him .
Yes! Yes! Yes! How could that not happen?
Yep I believe I'm experiencing this too
Pray that his voice of fear be removed from your mind 🙏 God have mercy.
No…just simply no!
I knew when I was 4, I was lost. Now I'm 60, parents are long dead.. still suffering.
So sad for you. Really.
😢
I see grey rock as equal to developing an amicable, passive relationship with a stranger.
You can take care of yourself and not be selfish. That's how I put it.
My narc father didn’t care when he lost me forever when I severed from him and the others! He told people that HE disowned ME noless! Sick disgusting LIE! He convinced his new woman that he disowned me and she believed it not knowing me at all! She tried to get me to see him when he was dying and when I refused and said why, the conversation went south and she abused me and said “no wonder he disowned you!” I wanted to go crazy on her after hearing that lie! I got off phone and sent her a text and let her have it with the truth!
She is a sicko flying monkey niave thing he was able to manipulate against me and my bro!
Flying 🐒s are EVERY BIT as screwy as the narcs... It's important not to just 👀 them as "innocent victims" because they aren't.
I took care of my narc mom since I was 10. She was really sick. She died last year and I was 27. I’ve been trying to find myself again. My dad doesn’t take accountability and it’s so hard because I feel like I need to be in contact with him but I just don’t want to because he never cared. I think we all deserved better
My mom would write me out of will. Holds it over all of our heads. My dad earned yhe money she controls him. Sad.
Just let her write you out of the will, it's only money. Your mental health is far more valuable, move away and become financially independent, you will be surprised how easy it is to do when you don't surround yourself with negativity.❤
When pulling away from my 90 year old mother, i was sent a letter asking when did your mind snap? She had health issues, family rallied around her, then told me i dont want you near me. I was a nurse for 35 years, i will have my 4 friends help me! Ive always had alot of empathy, love for my mom but at 68 yearsold ive had to change our relationship, so hard
My narcissistic father in law turned my husband and his brother against each other.
We are in a similar situation and I’m wondering if your father-in-law ever tried to play the “why don’t you ever call your brother? Why don’t you develop a relationship with your brother?” ploy with your husband?
That’s so evil. To turn siblings against each other. My dad’s wife has turned their daughter (half sister) against me. She hates me and when there are no witnesses to their behavior they both treat me like dirt. Kind of a mother/daughter “tag team” against the half sister/stepdaughter from my dad’s first marriage. My dad refuses to acknowledge how they treat me.
Yes, they do that
@@neommutle8033 That's a despicable thing to do.
@@fifilafleur5555 My god, that is appalling. I am so sorry.
Every day I'm breaking the enmeshment more and more. Thanks for the help, Jerry!
Glad to help!🙂
I don't know if its me or my son, but I gotta say being dumped is painful but it becomes the best thing that ever happened. I discovered I am a free spirit :)
Wow! That's exactly what my dad told me! 😮
. When I wouldn't contact my mom and talk to my dad instead, my dad told me it seemed like I was trying to hurt my mom by not talking to her. No. I just said it was because she won't answer me, which was an excuse because i wouldn't talk to her whether she answered me or not. Anyway, that was 3 years ago this month. Haven't talked to either of them since
All the manipulation boils down to control and coercion. Let’s not naively assume narcissists respond with genuine empathy - they do not, they cannot. Every exchange is a game for the narcissist to see if you will buy into their mask. The narcissist has no intentions of cooperation or care. Words are hollow. Only watch what they demonstrate.
Love that "you are hurting your mother". Also had to endure 30years of something that in reality is "I do not want to deal with her and you are making things hard for me".
Oh my goodness. This is my family.
@@kimberlybagley616 Sending you love. I hope that with time you learned that you also deserve a space on this planet.
I say this because this sort of parenting got me into this idea that I am small & that I am bothering them. So I just continued with it and I on my own way was making myself small.
They never cared, “lost” is not in their dictionary, they only lost their grip of control over you and have no outlet so they have to leech on someone else for their life’s misery.
Yep his wife has to deal with all his misery and negativity, thank God I don't have to.
Thank you Jerry 💛 THIS is exactly my experience of my ex family. They all run off the same program. So creepy.
Welcome!
Emotionally and energetically they'll feel it, when things change, when you leave, etc. In order to maintain the false self, all covers and masks and their trauma quiet, their systems are supported by everyone else's energy. Think of a table that is put on top of other tables. Remove one leg, or one table. What happens? The stability is threatened. Why do they hoover, love bomb, future faking, etc? Bring that table back, so that i can feel stable again. Sorry, but they destroy themselves and everyone else in the way
painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
They just need someone to unleash their demons on 😑🤦🏽♀️
I got called mean, a bitch, doesn't know how to have relationships with people, no one likes me, the list goes on. Just poking to see if anything hurt me.
Jerry, every case is different. When I gave my egg donor DISTANCE, she was glad and so was I. I accepted the FACT that she HATED me and I HATED her, thus, we were even steven.
My mom and I fought like cats and dogs during my teenage yrs. I was a very strong growing up. I got even stronger after my divorces. It finally went no contact after my dad passed. I don't miss her. I wish I knew it at 19 and bolted as far away as I could get.
8:00 focus on self
Everything you said is 💯. I almost didn’t watch this video. I didn’t think it pertained to me. But, it did. I don’t know if I told you one of the many thanksgivings that I had to work and I would meet them later. Well, Jerry it was interesting. They had their thanksgiving at one of the best restaurants in the small town they moved to when I graduated from high school. Now, MY thanksgiving was at the local truck stop. See this didn’t offend me at all at first. After mom and dad died. My wonderful sister pointed it out. lol. I didn’t even know there were two thanksgivings. I mean I’ve had wonderful meals in the strangest of places. It didn’t bother me. I was more bothered that they raved about that meal and the cooking sucked. Seriously, a Mre. Meals ready to eat would had been better. My sister alluded to a fact that I didn’t think of. Maybe they were trying to hide my daughter from their friends. Is my daughter ugly??? Heck no! She’s mixed race and they were embarrassed by that fact in public. Shame on them.
I think intermittent and eventual total abandonment should be addressed in this as well.
Even when you’re no longer in their presence, they’re still with you and it can be the hardest thing to shake. The process
of finding your identity is like a double loss of trust, loss of trust in your own ability to make decisions and a loss in trusting others. It makes you so emotionally cold. It’s doable to change but very challenging without the help of licensed professionals.
This just gave me a flashback to one Christmas. Out of my mother, sister and myself, I’ve always been the only one with a driver’s license and car. But this Christmas, I didn’t have my car. There’s also no public transportation holidays, nights and weekends, to and from where I live. Sister had a meltdown, when I suggested we celebrate the day before or after. Instead, wanted me to walk 6 miles each way. This was a major red flag. I knew something was very wrong. But, didn’t know anything about narcissism then.
Cut to the next scene, maybe 10 years later, mom’s gone, I’m in probate with this nutty, former sister and I have never seen anyone so controlling in my life. Absolute, malignant narcissistic dysfunction and like a boa constrictor. Obviously someone who feels that, if she doesn’t control and destroy me, she will not be able to survive and too stupid to know she could end up, like the snake that’s eaten the porcupine.
There was also a Thanksgiving, when my car broke down due to transmission problems, with my mother and I on the way to my sister’s. I felt it was dangerous to just get the car back on the road. My mother didn’t care and wanted me to do it anyway. Luckily I was able to get a tow, from my insurer, to my sister’s and again back home. But, yea again, this feeling of sick dysfunction. And the type of dysfunction that was also a red flag, that I didn’t recognize, that was likely saying, “You’re sister is the new golden child, so I don’t care what happens to you and your car, as long as we get there.”
Personal growth, self focus, individuation feels like a bigger battle than it needs to be with them
I hope that my comment will "connect" with someone else here. Besides being a narcissist, my mother raised me in a cult, Jehovah's Witnesses. So, when I got away from her, she used other relatives PLUS all Jehovah's Witnesses as her flying monkeys,... telling them that she was the victim.
Thank you SO much for this video. Really timely and helped a lot.
Glad it helped!
Neglect
Okay I'm trying to figure out my new son in laws family. He and his sister he's 42 ( and just married our daughter. first marriage for both) and his sister age 40, still single.
Very enmeshed for sure, they have always spent every free minute with their mom and dad. When our daughter and he became engaged our family was joyful and happy, his family acted like he was dying, very somber, tearful.
His mom and sister have riddled him with guilt over this ( their wedding was June 7th, they are on their honeymoon right now) we were doing clean up at the church the day after and his mom ask if we were taking things over to "the house" and I said yes, she said "good because I'm not going over there" in a snide voice. Clearly my daughter has encroached on her "territory". Narcissist?
I've never seen anything quite like their family before, at the rehearsal his sister started sobbing and couldn't stop. it was like a deep grief over" losing" her brother. So weird, his mom and sister stole the joy of their engagement and wedding day for him (in a way) he has to downplay his happiness. When he and my daughter were opening cards (at home the next day) my daughter said he read a scripture that said "he who finds a wife finds a good thing' he started crying and said "I found a good thing". like he was trying to comfort himself that he had made a good choice, no matter how much resistance he got to the contrary. He has to get set free from this or it will effect their marriage. Blessings to you all!
When i finally walked away from my narcissist family, i found out my life was easier to live. Life was hardest under their control.
I don’t think it bothers them that they’ve lost you when there are other children in the family that still serve a purpose.
Once they know they don't have control they throw you out like the trash.. but you should consider this the first day of your future.
I play dead like I saw a bear. Best remedy yet 💜
Even when I’m neutral I can betray myself by any minute facial expression, she will feed off the slightest facial movement of negativity. But, by watching your clips I’ve learned over the years to not care about her, or ruminate on what was said. I pay her age care bills, visit, and leave not even hatful anymore.
Sounds like you're handling the situation well. I dread the old age care thing tbh. My n-parent was a good provider as far as paying bills but not emotionally supportive. Hopefully would be able to do the same in return even though n-parent looks to me for emotional support as if I'm a therapist.
5:00 Make that boundary and you will be called all the names by the toxic members.
Holiday, birthdays..are set up for blame and there is no winning. The sooner you know and don't cave in you will know who is toxic and who the flying monkeys are.
Neverless, the Golden one doesn't get drawn in to trying to fill their emptiness. The had it figured out long ago and had very strict boundaries.
My view these days is, what am I missing, and why would I want to spend time with people who disrespect me?
There is grief, big time, because these are losses of relationship and being who you are, you feel it. I now say eff ' em all
I could see the moment. It stretched out in a quiet weight. And she saw it in my eyes. She immediately peddled. Looking for a place to sink a hook. But I saw her in that moment. And she saw I saw her.
It was liberating.
She gave me $15 to order a cell phone car mount for her from Amazon. I was to give it to her when seeing her next. She wanted to end the exchange (narrative) on she gave me money. 😂. And I saw that too. I never saw or spoke to her again because of what love is. Knowing love made it clear.
It was a turning. There was no going back.
Thank you for your videos. Obligation is not something that applies in this situation.
You’re welcome!
Carnivore diet … helps with brain fog…can also help us with learning Jerry’s lessons…
The quote about learning to focus is pure gold for me. It can cover so many different situations, wow. Bless you Jerry Wise 🩷
Glad it was helpful!
Yep! When I was 17 my Mom got upset with me as usual. She did something she did regularly which is to suggest that if I didn't like the rules then I could move out. I couldn't do that at 12 or 15 but that time I decided take her at her word. I had a job and a car so I started looking for an apartment on my own. It was a lot easier to get an apartment then but that's what I did.
When I came home and told her that I had found an apartment and I was leaving she went ballistic, hitting me and abusing me and trying to control me and keep me from moving out. But I did it and took back my life. It was incredibly hard and lonely. It's been a long road to heal and I'm still at it.
My narc Dad is still alive and I went no contact with him in 2022. I wish it could be different but I've tried all my life to create connection with my parents but they have never self reflected on my concerns which I brought to them many times as a discussion which they reacted to (separately) in the most harsh and immature fashion. At 60 I felt that I could give myself permission to have peace in my life and let them both go. I have a partner for a few years now and am living a much better life. My purpose is healing myself and finding connection and clarity. That is all. I deserve it.
Well done I did the same . Don’t let people hurt you ever again you deserve happiness ❤
Excellent descriptions, thank you!
You're very welcome!🙂
This chapter is pure gold! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! This differentiation process has helped me in a way I never imagined possible!
You're so welcome!🤎
Can you make a video on staying strong within yourself after no contact?
I asked for distance from my verbally abusive father after he refused therapy or even to have a third party referee the conversation. He said “If you just want to be completely out of each others lives then let me know.” He refuses to acknowledge his abuse so I am forced to accept being traumatized and mentally beaten down or not speak to him at all.
He also cannot accept a short “Hello things are fine” without pushing boundaries and starting insults and arguments so I don’t know if I will ever speak to him again outside of awkward family gatherings.
But it’s unfair and sad he doesn’t want to learn better and it’s too shitty ultimatums but now I must accept the potential of us never speaking again at all one day. Because he simply is beyond all criticism and desire to change. Oh well. This is after a lifetime of being told I am stupid and cannot survive without following my parents every order. I know otherwise but by his every presence it is triggering.
I am coming to the realization that it was worst than I thought…. and that voice sounds like the most narcissistic person I saw, my mother’s sister. Poor of my cousins.
It was even worst… even sociopathic. Because in those diagnosis, they make us doubt about ourselves deeply. To know and Own it the sooner the better.
I want to go no contact with my narcissist father forever…but I’m genuinely scared he’ll harm me physically he did it before…so until I reach a safe place that is a huge no..
"any sense of strength you have wjll cause reactivity" that hit. I grew up obese while my parents made fun of me for being fat (even back then i knew they were responsible, which made the ridicule hurt that much more. They also actively discouraged physical activity/hanging out with friends and refused to buy me fruits and veg when i asked because "you wont eat them")
As a teen i devoted myself to getting healthy, lost weight and became a female bodybuilder and personal trainer. I lost 75+lbs twice after gaining it back due to a traumatic event.
Not once did they praise me for losing weight. They dont care about me being strong or my accomplishments. They made me fat so they could shame me and now that I'm strong they hate me even more
My narcissist would search for the next doormat. And she is searching it now, although I am still in her life. It is disgusting.