Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
And religious guilt tripping around having to care for them just because they're parents, since it's the elders that usually get to push the narrative, it makes sense that they push that kind of religious narrative that benefits them primarily, but conveniently rarely mention parental responsibilities besides the barest minimum roof and food...
I honestly don't mind per SE, but a constantly manipulated, hobbled, and abused person might not BE ABLE TO PROVIDE at peak performance AND the requirements Change as soon as you meet them. Cause they DON'T LIKE YOU! Protect your energy and "honor"best you can from distance and from behind grey rocks! PRAISE JESUS!!
As a person who graduated from seminary and has Bible knowledge, I'm well aware of the commandment to honor your mother and father, but I also know about Ephesians 6:4 that also says. "Parents, don't frustrate your children and make them resent you. " The devil (and narcs) can twist Scriptures for their own purposes. Respect works both ways.
Same here, i "owe" to her so she robbed me all years she could, she saparated me from friends and ex's and other family under excuse she is protecting me. Then, she manipulated me to abort my child under excuse "you are not ready, healthy ebough, blah blah". She decided for me even i was 30. 😢😮 I would NEVER forgive her and i will hate her till my last breath honestly.
Thank you for this. Apparently….im a liar and big fabricator and make up tales on the “very abusive childhood” and “death of my father” Apparently….my whole childhood reality was not real and therefore I am not either …to the birth portal mother and her family. Isn’t that some shit 💩 well now…they can ALL ROLL IN IT and figure out their old age death bed 🤷🏼♀️ not bitter …AWAKE FINALLY to BS Thank you again
Yes! My parents have recently developed some health issues. I have this obligation in the back of my mind that I need to take care of them. Thank you for releasing me from these thoughts. They haven’t cared about my life or my well-being since I broke free of their control.
Yes! I grew up being told by my mother that I should never have kids because I’m too selfish. And how she gave up everything for us kids (she dropped out of nursing school because of stress and then dropped out of secretarial school to get married, 5 years before her first child came along but you know, she really had shit going on and then I ruined it 😅) and don’t ever have kids because they will ruin your life. Sadly my siblings normalized her abuse over the years and I am the only one that sees it.
Parents act like a stork dropped a baby on their doorstep in a rain storm one night, and after some deliberation, they both decided out of the goodness of their hearts that they shouldn't just let it die out there by morning.
Wow. This was my parents favorite fable! Every time a new born baby was talked about from a friend, family members or neighbors they knew, they would always say what the stork had brought them. It's really interesting thinking about it in this context. This is so spot on!
Am i the only one or does everyone in the comments find so much peace knowing you are not the only one that has parents that are so toxic. I had to cut off my Mom and Step Dad because they get so much pleasure in blaming me for every family mistake!
Yes and replying doesn't mean I'm not over it, it means I'm alive and well in spite of them! We all can do it, all of us, who doesn't have problems, does taking them out on someone else really work? If it did they wouldn't have to keep degrading us!
@@Sarara-mv5sx My father projected that he was tolerant of varying opinions, but after a variant opinion was voiced by someone present, or even on TV, that opinion was shamed, humiliated and questioned as to how one could ever hold that variant viewpoint. Yes, it is good to know it is not unusual for many of us adult "kids" to be working on differentiating from our families of origin even in our 60's, a process which generally should have been completed and celebrated by our 18th birthday.
My dad likes to tell me that my mother has never been well since the day I was born. Charming. Then usually followed by:” You should go talk to her”. I do wish I could, but she literally doesn’t say anything normal at all. The content is undigestible (just boils down to what is wrong with everyone and why they don’t do things according to how she thinks is correct)
My fiance helped me get out. But he does say sometimes how he tried to speak sense in situations and all it did was get worse lashback on me from my mom. The only way to survive is to agree and flee when you can.
I did that. And it worked. It made my father mad. And what made it worse for him was that I was still around, even when he needed help, but it was on my terms. I couldn’t pretend to be warm to him because he destroyed the precious family shelter for me a long, long time ago. I stayed decent and obliging to his needs when he turned weak, fading and ill, but not truly feeling anything for him except sadness for what it could have been if he was a real father.
I agree with this statement because that’s what I did and moved away as well. Nothing good comes out of the constant back and forth you get easily drained and sick.
I recently found out that pops died in 2010, 14 years ago. Kind of good to know. I did know that mom died in 2007. Good riddance. Strangely, neither ever thought that they ever did anything wrong. Ever.
Recovering from narcissists is not easy becasue you never feel like your life is your own. You are trained from birth to put others needs ahead of your own and also trained never to set boundaries. So you grow up becoming servents to toxic people that recognize your vulnerability. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted. I am healing with time. Its hard work but worth it.
scottflitzpatrick1939, Keep going it can be done. I hope that you can find some good, empathetic people who will appreciate your company. Sending love.
My dad said I owed them my life and everything that I am including my income. I cut them off. Forever. Happy to say, I am no longer on antidepressants and I am thriving in my marriage and at work.
My mother is dying of cancer. I have been communicating with her more because her time is limited. Bad idea! She’s come at me with all the same toxic “something is wrong with you! You’re mentally ill”. Ive been a wreck. I’ve gone back to no contact. I should have never gone back to her. It kills me. I’ll never be ok for her. The only cure for this pain is to stay away from her. That’s what I’ve found.
I feel you. I know it may not help to hear this, but I’m praying for you and everyone here 🙏💙 Stay strong, you did the right thing, you did the best you could.
Sounds like my dad, instead. He's the one with the problem, not me. I'm no contact again, for my own protection. I wish he would man up, grow up and shut the hell up. I didn't ask for his opinion(largely negative, which he takes out on me. Jerk!)
I get help, but he needs it so much more than I do, for the abuse he's heaped on me. Which he blamed me for for. Some nerve! He hates women and took it out on me. Sadist!
Thankyou for this reminder ! The narcissism can get worse when they are in duress or in a crisis. They don’t suddenly become open to a loving exchange. They expect service but won’t become vulnerable enough to exchange love . Very very good reminder because that’s a time when loving people make the assessment that time is short , so they/we would fast forward that process. It’s a trap !
My mom has late-stage stomach cancer. When she told me about her diagnosis on the phone, I specifically asked her „do you want me to come over?” and she said no, she’s scheduled for more doctor’s appointments so she’s going to see me when she knows more about her situation and future. Upon meeting me later that week, she promptly shamed me for giving her the space SHE HAD ASKED FOR and not coming to her.
All the time. What will the people at church think… What will your grandparents think… What will the neighbors think…. What I always wanted to respond was- “Well, just thinking out loud here but they’ll probably all think that I’m a kid being a damn kid. Shocker!”
My mother owes me a childhood, warmth, affection, and safety. She failed at every single one of those things, and more. So, I'd say we are even now. Rest in peace mommy dearest.
Once I started doing this I realized it was best not to respond at all. They will go to the depths of hell in an attempt to get an emotional reaction. Meeting their verbal attacks with silence and escaping to my room to scream into my pillow was honestly my saving grace until I escaped and went no contact. The attacks now come via email, or a random text msg slandering me to one of my family members.
My mother went ape s… crazy when I moved out at 26. She’d wanted me to stay with her forever as a barrier between her and my father. She taught me all men are awful and told me often to never get married. She’s long gone now and my hubby and I are celebrating 44 years. So glad I walked out
How did you move out? I know times have changed, but I am currently 28 and am stuck with a narc mother who will not let me leave! As in, she will not allow me to save up money when I have a job as she demands most of my monthly paychecks otherwise she will make my life hell and then kick me out.
@@haileyt857 use your paycheck to pay a damage deposit and first months rent. You can eat for cheap for first few months. Buy secondhand furniture, sleep on a sponge until you can buy a bed. Get a credit card, so you can buy things you need and pay it in small installments monthly. Get a 2nd job if you need to. There are ways, your independence and freedom are invaluable. It can be done!
Moving out of local calling zone helped. My MIL said “We’d love to have you near but we recognize you and your marriage have a better chance if you move as far away from your family as you can”
One thing I learned from my narcissistic mother is not to waste your energy trying to argue with narc people. They won't hear you, and they will use and distort your words against you. In the last months I still lived with my mother, I literally let her say and scream what she wanted without a simple reply. They feed on fights, on our energy. Let them starve! I moved out about 3 months ago, and it is the best thing I ever did. However, I feel that she stole so many years of my life!
Both of my parents have passed. I have never visited their graves. It's never even been a serious consideration. I hope for their peace. And most importantly, my peace.
Before I went no contact with my mother she would say some BS thing attempting to control me by tossing a guilt/ shame bomb, I would just say calmly, "You can think that if you want to." She never had a reply. Once, I started to figure all of this out it became much easier to not fall for the trap. Now I see her for what she is jealous and manipulative.
Aren't you wise and in control, I warned mine several times to nice up or else, she didn't, even lied I had power of attorney, just to make a mess! We end up being able to walk through fire because we have! ❤
That's such a good expression, "tossing a shame-bomb". My own mother does this all the time. Still learning to see it as her calling me a coca-cola and not let it send me spinning. Might copy your response next time!
I have been so intrenched in narcissism, I was blind to it all. All I knew was how horrible I felt around my mother. I too just “started to figure all of this out” at 58. I am so grateful to understand, it is very freeing. Now I just need to move her out of my house.
Screaming at me, locking me away in my room for a week at a time, broken promises, making me beg for food, only to be able to eat it on the floor of my room. I will never forget what my mother did to me.
I took care of a sibling's young children for several months about twenty years ago. I do not feel they owe me anything. I owed THEM because I was the ADULT. Not the other way around. Those kids don't have to do anything for me. I took care of them because I loved them. That's all.
One thing is for certain: even though you are an adult, you are supposed to assume your child role whenever you are with them. No. Due to so many painful childhood experiences, I don't value our relationship so that I will subject myself to that. To me, it's not unforgiveness, it's self-protection.
My entire life my mom would constantly tell me I’m selfish and “it’s not all about you”. I took everything for so many years until one day I responded “I know. How could it possibly be when it’s always about you!” I’ve tried everything I could for years with my family and I just finally went no contact for good this week at the age of 43. A part of me wishes that I didn’t take so long but another part of me is glad that I know for sure that I did everything that I could possibly think of.
Same for me too - I’m 43 but took that step after ‘the last straw’ a year ago - I tried everything and continued trying until I realised I had nothing left, my battery was empty / dead / broken- it was either leave or be broken- and so I left, because enough damage had been done and my conscience clear. Big hug xx
You owe them everything and even their "love" is only conditional. When you´ll figure it out, you´ll find out, they never loved you and at the same time, you don´t owe them anything, because they always took away from you MORE, than they gave you.
Oh… I figured it out about my mom , my dad was very loving but passed . I simply can’t have a normal communication with her now, I have been mentally tortured because of this situation.
@@winning3329 It was the same with me too. Serve mine, and know I would still be last, and not really part of 'her family' - as she put it. That was my sign to finish any remaining involvement with her or 'her family'.
Think about how hard it is for people that live in a community with this unhealthy mindset in which you are a slave, a loser and your narcissistic parents are heroes.
I am 74, I don’t expect my child to take care of me. I still help her out. With today’s economy she struggles. The only thing I desire from my child is respect.
What you want, is often what you will get. When you put it out in the universe "I don't expect her to take care of me", you will either pass quickly or suffer in a elderly home. If you truly had a a good relationship where you lifted you child up, you would be happy knowing that she will take care of you when the time comes. And that nots being narcissistic
@@Justin-jf4ub my daughter will take care of me. She always looks out for me. I just don’t ever want to be a burden to her or anyone. My prayer is that the Lord will take me home well before that.
@@Justin-jf4ubThat is the most ridiculous, laughable and narcissistic comment I have ever heard! How about you be financially responsible, and take care of yourself. When you choose to have a child, it is 100% your responsibility to take fully care of that child in every way, until they reach the age of adulthood, and make a life for themselves when the time is right. Your children are supposed to be loved unconditionally with no strings attached. Look after yourself, and get the right help that is available to you in your elderly years, without being a burden to your children and their families, and you will be taken care of by your family in the right way. Most families are not equipped to take care of aging parents due to busy, and sometimes complicated lives, and no medical training. If you are healthy, and your child “invites” you to live with them in a respectable way with boundaries, then by all means go for it, but they do not owe that to you, just because you took care of them as children, which was simply your responsibility, no matter what.
@@lindah.8564 that’s your opinion. My daughter has a great relationship with her parents. Maybe you don’t have children that don’t care about you. That’s very sad for you.
A few years back, I was having health issues, and my doctor wanted to know if I had been breastfed. I didn't know. When I asked my mother, she defensively answered, "I tried breastfeeding you in the hospital, but YOU rejected my breast!" I was an innocent newborn baby, and she was already blaming me for her own inadequacies.
Lol, I was similarly told by my mother that I didn’t like to be held, that I “pushed away”. If so, maybe she was holding me awkwardly and needed to adjust somehow. Or maybe I picked up signals and really didn’t want to be held by her. Or maybe it was all made up. Just knowing that the reason for telling this story is to guilt/shame me tells me everything I need to know.
Yes! I've been told a million times "I always wanted a baby to love and to hold, but YOU always pushed me away!" But she breastfed me. That can't be true.
@@bunnyvelour2820 My mother said the same about me. For years I believed her. However one of my cousin's recently told me that wasn't the case at all. Apparently I enjoyed being cuddled by my family when I was a toddler.
I asked my mother why she never hugged me. She said that I didn't want it. She never said that she loved me and never said sorry ever. Now at 53 I have the same feelings back for her.
When I wanted to move out of the house (30 years old & single), my Mom told me, "Oh sure, just when you should be helping out! You want to leave?!" Wait, no one ever told me that I had to stay at her house to financially help out!? Never, not once was that ever brought up before I wanted to leave! I stayed 5 years longer & then moved out!
It is so comforting to know I am not the only one. Parents are supposed to love you and home is supposed to be a safe place. The hurt and betrayal is enormous and keeps affecting my life and relationships.
My three young siblings and I were once in the back of our car with dad at the wheel and mum in front passenger seat. All us kids were less than ten years old. My mother turned to my father and said, “if it wasn’t for the kids, we’d be millionaires by now!” You never forget words like that. I never forgot my dad showing no understanding of the implications of what mum had just said.. They were both narcs. Mum would complain that family allowance wasn’t enough to keep a child. I hid the holes in my shoes from other kids. We didn’t have a toothbrush, slippers or night clothes, even though parents had more money than most. It made me realise that all we need is enough, but I owe them nothing. When I finally called mum out after suffering decades of covert abuse, she had the cheek to say she had always put us kids first! I just walked away and never felt happier for going no contact.
I had 2 narcissist parents, one covert the other overt. Dad had a secret second family. Mum would shout 'I hate you all, wish I'd never had you ' . She only liked babies. One time my dad intervened in a fight btwn me and my brother and told me to remember I was nothing. I never forgot. He once left a thumb print on my neck after pinning me to a wall for saying something back at mum....
My father was not only narcissist, but a total sadist sadly. Besides enjoying to beat me and verbally humiliate me, he sad more than once that he has “given me this life and he can also take it away from me.” He wasn’t drunk or on substances or in the heat of an argument. He said it when nobody was around in my very vulnerable years. Now that he is dead, I realize that he perhaps enjoyed causing me pain and fear. How sad. I don’t think that he ever regretted any of his behaviors. He forgot them, but his last years were passing in terrible depression because he was loosing strength to beat up mentally and physically on the family he “created!” He died alone surrounded by people who didn’t know him and could hardly care about him. And now where is he? All that’s left is a tragic memory of his existence.
I thought the same about children until I went to counseling, found healing in Jesus’ love for me as a catholic and found my catholic husband. Then I realized I was shoring myself in the foot and hoping it hurt my mother… I’m no contact with her and I’m a new mom of a three month old. I love my son so much and am working to give him the childhood I never had, it’s such a blessing to be a mother but, despite my mother’s attempts to make me talk to her since he was born, I have not gone back and that has been the best decision because I get to give the good side of me to my husband and son and not what’s left after I’m done trying to make my mother happy (in vain)
@moonstar9101 yes, I also didn't have children. Growing up with an extreme covert narc father and malignant narc sister, even as a child I decided that if I can't rid myself of his toxic genetic material the least I could do is not inflict it upon anyone else. Malignant sibling had 4. From what I see 2 are narcs and 2 are not. So no, don't regret not having kids.
I knew mine would be compared to the golden child’s. It happened. GC had 2 sons, the black sheep had 2 daughters. The boys are my parents whole world. They have no relationship with the girls.
Extremely overt narcissistic father with the Rage alcoholic temper… Co-dependant & Covert narcissist, mother…. Flying monkey siblings, and other family members and friends. I’m the firstborn daughter SCAPEGOAT. It took me a long long time to figure this out because I did not want to admit that it was true. I wanted to say I grew up in a loving and caring family. So I say - thank you (to them) for the “3 hots and a cot”. That’s an old phrase to say thank you for the food and a place to sleep when growing up. 😌 We (& you) can move on and heal. We (& you) are more resilient and stronger than we know. Blessings to you if you are reading this ❤️🙏🏼❤️
I completely get the “not wanting to admit reality to yourself.” For a very long time I was in denial. For years, I would avoid all the traumas my parents caused me- I didn’t feel “allowed” to talk about them/felt like a “bad daughter” if i did. But I’ve reached a point of my life where I need to heal. I need to take therapy seriously and admit that things weren’t perfect. Congratulations on your healing journey- you got this! 🙏🙏
@@Catturtlelover3000 We're conditioned to gaslight ourselves. I'm still trying to figure out why it's so traumatizing after having stopped doing this - is it because I'm finally facing reality? I suppose so. Gaslighting yourself is a kind of denial - or "betrayal blindness". I suppose it's a defense against what feels like an overwhelming reality...still trying work out or work through this.
@@Sarara-mv5sx yup! It’s our brain’s “survival mechanism”. Because we have no way of escaping the trauma at the time so our brain just denies/represses it.
When your abusive father hits you as a child, scare the sh*t out of him in old age as a monster of a grown man. Tell him, "Not so tough anymore eh...?"
The things they say but some how we're not supposed to say anything to that. Like some how we don't deserve a better more loving parent. What damaged them? And there needs to be better laws on this. They need mental help but won't go unless it means them creating a fake story that changes. And they can't get picked up and put into in treatment unless she starts physically hitting people. And who's going to be the one to call with all the guilt trips everybody tries to avoid? 🤔 You know our system needs a big change to deal with this. Big time. Somebody is going to have to have a pair that has the energy too.
The amount of times I was introduced as the "biggest mistake of my life"...from the female who called me her mother...always followed by the smirk (I still don't deal with smirks well)..Thankyou Mr Wise your videos are much appreciated....from Scotland
I remember my mother saying she resented always seeing me with my kids and not just by myself, yet she expected me to supply her with grandchildren. Internally, I thought it was completely unreasonable.
@janetpickel8399 - OMG - I had opposite - my mom complained about the whining, constant attention to them, runny noses, naptime in middle of day - blah,blah, blah - she spent little time with them growing up AND blamed me for not having a good relationship with them as adults.
Yes. They even say it themselves why they only give you the minimum. My narc parents just gave us the minimum calorie intake to stay alive and they would throw good food away because one my father is alcoholic who can survive on alcohol alone and my narc mother likes to waste and throw away and then always say that I am old enough to cook my own food. When I was 18, unemployed, she said that I was old enough to buy my food, so she only included herself and father in groceries. When I realize what she was doing and told her directly and the truth that she was letting food go to waste, it was hell, she started yelling and started humiliating me in front of the neighbor and their children, whom they always held as standard because they were working at a young age but were not really involved in academics like I was, which they undermined for them, and with ADHD, having multiple task is a really difficult feat. They also used my ADHD behavior and symptoms in their favor to mentally abuse, which I was never diagnosed.
Dad does this and expects me to be happy with the few breadcrumbs he drops to me. NO! He barely does the minimum and gives me resentment for doing that. His attitude/behavior to me, his problem! I owe him nothing!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 "He barely does the minimum and gives me resentment for doing that. His attitude/behavior to me, his problem! I owe him nothing!" Seems to be some circularity. You owe him nothing and he owes you a bare minimum. Well, bare minimum is still more than nothing; papa wins the virtue signaling.
Right. Dad(narc) expects me to outright lie; tell people he does nice things for me on a weekly basis. I am lucky he bothers and gives me crap about the little he does. I won't lie to myself or others so he can feel superior. I deserve a better father!
They shape you and then get upset with you for how you turned out regarding your decisions and actions?🤨 And then doesn't want to talk about the dysfunctional environment that they created for you.
You owe your parents literally nothing. Not a single thing. They ripped you from the void and shoved you screaming into this world. They owe you everything.
I think parents can be absolutely terrible, but I disagree with this sentiment. You are looking at life as only a curse. Life is also a gift. So there should be a balanced acknowledgement of the hurt our parents have done us to us, but also acknowledgement of the opportunities they provided us. If you have enjoyed even just one small part of your existence, at any point in life, your parents are partly to thank for it, simply for the existence they have given you. Ever enjoyed eating a burger? Whelp, that wouldn't be possibly unless your parents made you. Ever enjoyed music, or a good movie? That too wouldn't have been possible unless your parents had made you.
@@abesapien9930 You should Thank God for that, the creator. HE is the one who made you, every single facet of your being, who handpicked you because he wanted you, not because he needed you. Your parents just had sex.
@@abesapien9930 You should Thank God for that, the creator. He is the one who made you with every facet of your being. Who created you because he wanted you and not because he needed you. Your parents just had sex.
As a son of two NPD parents, the existence with people that are more focused on the public optics quality of a family rather than the actual quality of the family itself is not living, its existence.
Just think you don't have to go through all of this if you just get rid of them and go no contact!!! No explanations, you have that right! That is what I did and now I don't have to deal with the nonsense anymore and I can live my life!! They chose to have you and be parents. You owe them nothing! The problem lies with you not them. They will never change! So please think of yourself first first and live the life you want!!!! All love to all of you always. Thank you for your videos :)
My NM is in a nursing home on hospice now, and I will feel nothing but relief when she dies. I owe her nothing. I went no nontact a year ago after my father died and I have not regretted it. Now other people are having to deal with her bs and not me. She wil still say things to my sibling (who still sees her) like "Your dad would never do this to me", and "How could you and your sister treat me this way after all I've done for you". HA! How about a lifetime of CPTSD. The gift that keeps on giving. I suffered abuse at her hands for too long and I am now free. Your video is spot on. Sometimes the best thing one can do is walk away. I had to do it for my own sanity.
Sorry for all you had to go through 🙏🏾 she will soon asleep in Jesus - and everyone will breathe finally - BUT I ask that you do visit her one last time to offer Christ to her - narcs are pretty much damned to hell so we want to make sure they have a chance to repent ask for forgiveness and accept Christ in their heart .. if it doesn’t go well .. no harm no foul - you won’t worry about seeing here again here nor there ☝🏾
Same here. These past few years I have had an epiphany learning about mental illness. I now know that my mother has BPD, but growing up I just thought she was INCREDIBLY weird, and that no other family was like mine. Baby me, made the decision though shortly after arriving in the circus to be the complete antithesis of her.
Just reciprocate back based on how they treated you.If they were unkind &/or didn't show genuine empathy...then you owe them nothing but ending up alone in old age.We all reap what we sow eventually.All we owe each other is reciprocation ultimately, that's why if you're smart you treat your kids well & raise them right because someday you'll be a elderly person that needs help in your old age😊.
I love the whole idea of practicing responses before being there in person because it's so easy to become frozen in the moment and not know what to say!
Jerry, I am eternally grateful for your channel and others like it on RUclips. Family-of-origin realities are very difficult to face and process, but this work must be done if we hope to reclaim ourselves and build genuine lives.
5 years no contact and she's never ever ever asked for her grandchildren. Like Ever. Lack of empathy. She's a grandiose narcissist and sees her grandchildren as a threat and competition.
Same as mine!! Her excuse is that I’m an adult now and I can reach out to her. My daughter is 7 and son 10 and she never contacted to ask how everything was. I don’t care about her anymore and I make it a mission to be a real mother and always call my children first regardless of anything and any age !
@@Bre-o6imy mother in law is the same but on top of that whines and cries to her friends and boyfriend that we are the ones keeping them from her. Just straight up lies.
I have a narc mom, sister and an enabling father. I was also the scapegoat in the family and my sister the golden child. I am 41 yrs. old. I have been "No contact" with my family for 4yrs. now. I appreciate your video's! To those out there who feel like OMG, what the hell and are just waking up to the reality of the abuse they've been through their entire life. Remember, you are not alone and besides here. There is a lot of info. out there to help you. I no longer see myself as a victim of narc abuse, but a survivor. And it's taken me 6-7 years to get this far. I am now working on my shopping addiction which stems from the deep root of not ever having been good enough for my mother. From someone who has been through it. Sometimes it takes one day at a time. And absorbing every bit of info. about the situation as possible. My best to everyone going through this!
My brother sent me to this channel and I am extremely appreciative of him for doing so. For so long, I have thought *I* was the problem... That something was (is) wrong with *me*. I knew deep down there wasn't but the emotional abuse I've endured for 55+ years has taken its toll. I'm to the point now that I don't care if my toxic family reads this or not. I am sick and tired of being scapegoated, gaslighted, and emotionally manipulated. I was in a leadership workshop at work sometime in the past six months and something was said about an employee telling you they did the best they could. We were being trained to respond that we respect that but that their best wasn't good enough. Maybe they should find something else to do. Well, that's a line I'm going to use the next time I'm told, "but she's your mother. She did the best she could." Yeah, well, it wasn't good enough and it continues to not be good enough. I have been guilted into wanting their stuff when they die. Are you kidding me? That stuff means nothing to anyone except you. I'm steadily going through my stuff and getting rid of it so my kids don't have to. It means *nothing* to them and I am fine with that. I have vowed to my wife and kids they owe me nothing. That if I get to the point I cannot take care of myself, put me in a damn home.
Ugh. My mother always used to ask me, point blank, "Are you going to take care of me when you're older?" with a penetrating gaze. Like many times. Also, "Are you going to live in our house when we're gone?" with the same penetrating gaze. Life is better after NC.
I've been feeling guilty all week and needed to hear this, thank you!! I've been trying to talk my dad into moving in with me for a few years now. Went to visit him for his 80th birthday last wknd and it intensified my feelings about taking care of him. I feel the complete opposite about my 72 yr old mother. Which is where the guilt comes in. Ironically, guilt that she instilled me. I fight with both parents about moving in, but in opposing ways LOL I want to take care of my dad, but he refuses to move in. Mom expects me to take care of her, but I refuse to let her move in (again). I've already learned my lessons with her...but omg the guilt!!
I look back at my life and all of the "family" meetings that my mom had with me and my two sisters and my Dad. Now I see that all it was probably about was that mom was not being praised enough and therefore we had feel guilty and be ashamed that we were not praising her enough. Now I understand why finally my dad had an affair. He finally figured out that my mom would never really love him. I also feel sorry that my sisters had it worse than I did. No love shown to them and no pride shown to them for all of the accomplishments that they had in their life. My mom likes to say "I love you with all of my heart". That statement after she has been drinking and wants to give me a hug makes my skin crawl. The only love that I have ever felt from her is a superficial love. If I do not praise her enough or agree with everything that she says than I need to feel guilty or ashamed of myself.
🤔Affairs are unacceptable but it's important to understand the reason behind the behavior.People need to always remember that over the long-term divorce isn't as bad as a horrible marriage ultimately...It can even be beneficial for the kids in these cases of abuse.Although in your case your dad probably would've had a low chance of getting custody if you guys were kids because the courts in 🇺🇸 are stacked against 🚹 even today😮💨...Perhaps that kept him in the marriage even if he hated it🤔.
She sounds kind of similar to my a-dad (bipolar alcoholic), who wanted a lot of praise for doing stuff, and praising him up to the heavens was encouraged by a-mum when just a simple “thank you” would have been warranted. Getting a “thank you” when I’ve gone out of my way to help someone else feels like enough to me.
@@malwads1836 this is partly why patriarchal society and sexism hurts everyone. It’s complicated, though. Some dads do also complain about not being allowed to see their children, but actually made no effort to. They’re the ones that probably still want to control the mothers, but need some kind of leverage and the kids just happen to be the pawns in that shitty game.
My narcissist mother feels that I was born to serve her. I’m 48, now and still feels and treats me this way. Unfortunately my two young adult children and I are living with her and it’s hell. They know how to handle her but when it comes to me, I’m still her main target! She tries to control everyone and everything in the house! I’m done! I already grieved that their will never be a mother/daughter relationship now she acts jealous of the great relationship I have with my daughter….weird!?! I’m just gonna continue to save and leave. I will not live the second half of my life unhappy!!!!!
My deepest sympathy and understanding. Run as soon as you can. I'm 67 and my narc female parent is acting as if I should wait on her hand and foot. Wish I'd gone NC years ago. It will never change. Run!
@@jeanalizotte2039 wow these people are really sick in their heads and I keep trying to remind myself of this but it’s so hard. Two things I can tell you the, is try not to take it personally because if it wasn’t you trust and believe in would be someone else and try to go limited contact if ur in the same house with her. Also , utilize grey rock. These things together seem to be working for me until I can get out and never look back! Hope this helps you a little. Stay strong and safe ❤️🙏✌️💪
When I was about 8 years old & my mother was always complaining about me, one day I replied to her, "Well I didn't ask to be born". Her answer was, "Oh yes you did".
@@barrystorms6891 What is awful is that she continuously went on about not wanting me & hating me ŕight from when I was a baby but it never seemed to occurr to her that she might take responsibility for her actions instead of taking out her feelings on me & repeatedly beating me unconscious
That is effing bananas. I suppose you could fire back with "Well, you could have said no!" for giggles, but then that validates the irrationality of the entire exchange.
This video coming up in my feed is absolute final piece of evidence I need to know that Google is actively listening to me stomp around my house, muttering to myself about my problems.
Honestly if parents treat their kids with respect & are apart of our lives with no doubt we are obviously going to take care of them but it's always the parents that don't respect us & give us less than the bare minimum that expect the most & treat us the worst.
My mother flat out told me that I ruined her life. She got pregnant with me when she was 16 and was forced to marry my father who went on to abuse her. She made it clear to me, and anyone else she spent time with, that my presence ruined her physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.
I think we all sense the same sentiments from a narc parent. I know my dad would have loved to have been single his whole life but ended up with three children. He told my mom, ‘no man wants to get married.’ He is terrible to my mom and family and is so secretive. One day, when he passes, I’m going to finally be able to treat my mom to a life without a narcissistic husband.
You’re not responsible for anything here. You dad is responsible for having unprotected sex with a 16 year old girl, she’s responsible for letting him (if he sought her consent, which abusive men don’t usually ask for), and the whole society is responsible for shaming a pregnant 16 year old girl into marriage with an abusive man. The only person who has no responsibility AT ALL is the baby.
My narcissistic mother said to my pregnant daughter, “Why didn’t you tell me you’re expecting twin boys?” My daughter replies, “Because you blocked me, Nan.” 😒
Thank you for this channel. My mother once told me, when I was an adult, I was a bad daughter when I tried to explain to her the way that I felt. I did it in a very calm way, but it didn’t matter. She didn’t want to hear the way that I felt. Your words are like the hugs. I never got when I was a child.
Like because you think it’s an unnecessary trigger, or because some deep mental trauma is getting worked through? I mean, maybe a therapist would be better than yt videos for you tbf, but you will have to work through the tough stuff there too
I fussed over my grandparents without ever tiering. I think my parents are confused as to why I’m not that same loving person with them, but my grandparents were easy to love, just by allowing me to be me. My own parents just view me as a thing to dump all their trauma onto, and wonder why this is not a pleasurable way to spend my time. I’m almost 50 and tried for years to explain things from every angle and asked for joint counselling, but they seem unable to consider that all of their troubles with the world might have anything to do with their own way of thinking. They don’t have friends (I think because peers would have more courage than their own children to tell them that their behaviour is off), and don’t watch TV (only use the internet to read their conspiracy theories). They live in an echo chamber.
@@amberinthemist7912 I was only responding to the generality that some parents feel their children owe them care in old age, whereas it's not necessary to say when you have children that care. I know this channel is about abusive patents
I remember one time when my sister and I were teenagers. My sister wanted to go out with her boyfriend and my mom told her she had to stay home and watch my younger siblings. My sister became upset at this and shot back that they weren't her kids. My mother became absolutely unhinged at this. She got on top of my sister and beat her up. She apologized the next day but the damage was done.
When you made the example “Jerry, you are the worst therapist…” and if it brings up guilt and shame, then I know it is not true. Woooow! That was a huge gold ah-ha moment for me. I am now learning the difference between guilt and shame and healthy guilt and shame. This is a game changer for me in such a productive way! And I also understand how I still even guilt and shame myself, and so now I can say no to that. Thank you so much for your teachings. I am forever grateful.
I'm 49 and just recently started hearing people talk about how you don't owe your parents anything. I had never even thought I had a choice really. Conditioned to believe it's my duty to help and take care of my mom because she took care of me. But I would never expect my own kids to take care of me or sacrifice their own lives like that. I'm feeling less guilty for some of the resentment I have towards my mom.
My mother used to threaten me to disinherit me if I didn't do as she wanted. One day I calmly said, "Well, Mom, it is YOUR money so you can choose to give it to anyone you want." She would say, "Don't Say that!" And she stopped doing this.
If my mom tries to tell me, I’m doing wrong that confirms I’m doing right, because her morals sensitive values and way of thinking on not right can’t even still after 63 years. I can’t even wrap my head around the things that she’s capable of.
As a single woman with no kids, it makes my blood boil when people ask, "who will take care of you when you get older?". There is no guarantee your children will take care of you. My dad took care of my paternal grandparents when my uncle and aunt did not step up.
🤣🤣🤣🤣My parents never paid for any of my 4 college degrees. My dad died two years ago and my authoritarian mother cut me out of the entire will because I asserted and established communication boundaries with her and she hated that. So she took away the house, gold, silver, cash, vehicles, dad’s tools, dad’s letters from Vietnam during his time in the Marine Corps, dad’s guns that he verbally gave to me before he passed🤣🤣🤣Yea, been no contact for a year and have a peaceful life!!👍
The problem with the current trend of naming other people narcissists is that we focus so much on other people and their toxicity we fail to notice those traits in ourselves and thus repeat the cycle. Having empathy and trying to understand the background of people and what made them who they are is important also. Not everyone is a narcissist, etc. My parent's generation, the silent generation, did things differently than mine(gen X) and they came from sheltered, immigrant parents, but i believe they did the best they could in raising me and my siblings, just like i did the best i could raising my kids.
Says a narc coming to a narcissistic abuse channel to try to blame and shame abuse survivors. 🤣If your family is so wonderful and doing their "best", why don't you go and live your best life with them? No, not "everyone" is a narcissist, but there are plenty who most certainly ARE, and they have left destruction and annihilation in their wake. So don't come here and try to invalidate people who are trying to heal from it.
@@christinelamb1167I don’t even know why YT is feeding me this nonsense as I don’t have parent problems anymore, but wow….this place doesn’t seem like a place to come to heal but rather to complain. 🤷♀️
@@ashdav9980 Well for me, I'm not complaining. I'm healing! But I won't have my experience invalidated. Just FYI, there are much more healing communities than this one seems to be. I just watched this video because, like you, it was fed to me by YT. I probably won't be back.
Giving away things to then make you feel guilty for having given them away, THAT IS NOT INDONDITIONAL LOVE (which is the job of parents), that is narcisism. WHAT NARCISSISTS GAVE, THEY GAVE WITH THE (SECRET) INTENTION TO GET AN INTEREST FROM YOU. THEY NEVER LOVED YOU.
Don't forget the threats like "I brought you into the world, no judge would condemn me for taking you out". Totally not damaging as a child who can't escape.
You make many good points. I believe I may be on the down hill side of the narcissistic parent mountain. It feels good. I am 81 and have been adversely affected all my life, until they died. Something about their death was freeing. I have no idea if they had the least awareness of how much they caused me constant emotional pain. How could that be you might ask. Because any suggestion that I had any negative thoughts or feelings was met with fiery outrage.
NO LITERALLY. Been working and paying for all my expenses since 16 years old. They probably gave me $150 in total within that time and still hold it over my head. They’re actually so pathetic and honestly a waste of space on this earth. Idc how petty I sound but I can’t even bring myself to spiritually bypass and force myself to have unconditional love for terrible human beings.
My father asked me to pay back for my bottles when I was a baby. And when I got a job to finance my study, he got mad at me and was offended because he had lost financial control on me. He found other ways to blackmail me unfortunately. Furthermore I never saw him working, he used to get up at noon, spent time gambling and terrorizing everybody. My mother was the one bringing money. Unfortunately, she was psychologically desturbed by my father and was excessivelly possessive. It was hell and it took me 25 years of psychotherapy to start getting off the consequences
I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but my Irish Catholic mother truly believes she's the "matriarch" of our family and should be revered like she's Queen Elizabeth. Nevermind she was completely neglectful when we were kids and I barely saw her - and when I did she only expressed hatred towards and resentment for being a mother - she felt like a "maid" which is a joke. Everyone took care of her - because she's totally dependent on the labor of others - including emotional labor. She's sucked theife out of every single one of us. Jerry, please do a video about working through the guilt of secretly just wishing your mother would pass on. I know that's just not a good wish to have for anyone, so I'm not looking to rationalize or justify it. I just hope to find a perspective about such a toxic, destructive person who only seems to get more controlling and toxic with age.
It's perfect timing to hear this message. Receiving text messages about how you are supposed to respect your mother and honor them no matter how poorly she treats you. I'm expected to keep taking the emotional and verbal abuse. This behavior cements my decision to go no contact. Silence is my best defense.
One message I heard regularly from my mother was "I didn't raise you to be like that." This certainly seems like a type of guilt trip. She would generally say that when I behaved badly or selfishly (in her opinion). I also remember her saying "I could kill you" when I really did something wrong. That seems to be similar to the message of "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it."
Jerry you are SO on point with all of this! Thank you! 🙏 My wedding in the 90’s was narc mothers wedding. And after she bragged about all the compliments she got about the food served etc. Yep it was all for show. For her. Any holiday that I wished to change up a bit was wrought with guilt & shame. I’m final no contact & coming into the blessings & peace & happiness that comes with it now & I’m so thankful. It’s still nice though hearing the examples that you give to continue the validation that I’m on the right path ✌️💜✨
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
I believe you; I spent 60 years caring for mom& ruined my Marriage , due to " Duty"".
thank you for this video!!! i could have used this years ago, yet it is still relevant for today.🙏
Honor Thy mother and father
@@akishabarner1097 It seems some don't actually deserve that!
@akishabarner1097 honor them by living a good life, it doesn't mean take their abuse without question.
As a caregiver, i get so angry at our society at large for romanticizing caring for aging parents, especially if the parents are toxic parents.
And religious guilt tripping around having to care for them just because they're parents, since it's the elders that usually get to push the narrative, it makes sense that they push that kind of religious narrative that benefits them primarily, but conveniently rarely mention parental responsibilities besides the barest minimum roof and food...
I honestly don't mind per SE, but a constantly manipulated, hobbled, and abused person might not BE ABLE TO PROVIDE at peak performance AND the requirements Change as soon as you meet them. Cause they DON'T LIKE YOU! Protect your energy and "honor"best you can from distance and from behind grey rocks! PRAISE JESUS!!
As a person who graduated from seminary and has Bible knowledge, I'm well aware of the commandment to honor your mother and father, but I also know about Ephesians 6:4 that also says. "Parents, don't frustrate your children and make them resent you. " The devil (and narcs) can twist Scriptures for their own purposes. Respect works both ways.
@@AA-iy4gm Brainwashing, BS.
Yeah; "romanticizing" it while offering no material or social support for it.
My mother thought I owed her my life so she stole it from me. I was an extension of her. When I tried to assert myself I was punished.
Me too
My Mother hates when I have any oppositional opinion, she always said she hates it when her children have their own mind.
You're a very strong person, congrats!
@@thepottedsucculent4290it's how we have evolution, what a moron, no rebellions no one thinking for themselves!
Same here, i "owe" to her so she robbed me all years she could, she saparated me from friends and ex's and other family under excuse she is protecting me. Then, she manipulated me to abort my child under excuse "you are not ready, healthy ebough, blah blah". She decided for me even i was 30. 😢😮 I would NEVER forgive her and i will hate her till my last breath honestly.
Finally went no contact with my mother at 61. I am as concerned with her old age as she was/is concerned with my abusive childhood.
Thank you for this. Apparently….im a liar and big fabricator and make up tales on the “very abusive childhood” and “death of my father”
Apparently….my whole childhood reality was not real and therefore I am not either …to the birth portal mother and her family. Isn’t that some shit 💩 well now…they can ALL ROLL IN IT and figure out their old age death bed 🤷🏼♀️ not bitter …AWAKE FINALLY to BS
Thank you again
Amen!
Me too...but shesxplenty supply anyway..
Yes! My parents have recently developed some health issues. I have this obligation in the back of my mind that I need to take care of them. Thank you for releasing me from these thoughts. They haven’t cared about my life or my well-being since I broke free of their control.
Yes! I grew up being told by my mother that I should never have kids because I’m too selfish. And how she gave up everything for us kids (she dropped out of nursing school because of stress and then dropped out of secretarial school to get married, 5 years before her first child came along but you know, she really had shit going on and then I ruined it 😅) and don’t ever have kids because they will ruin your life. Sadly my siblings normalized her abuse over the years and I am the only one that sees it.
Parents act like a stork dropped a baby on their doorstep in a rain storm one night, and after some deliberation, they both decided out of the goodness of their hearts that they shouldn't just let it die out there by morning.
so this!!! lol. x
Hilarious and true.
Really 😂😂
Wow. This was my parents favorite fable! Every time a new born baby was talked about from a friend, family members or neighbors they knew, they would always say what the stork had brought them. It's really interesting thinking about it in this context. This is so spot on!
😂😂
Am i the only one or does everyone in the comments find so much peace knowing you are not the only one that has parents that are so toxic. I had to cut off my Mom and Step Dad because they get so much pleasure in blaming me for every family mistake!
Yes it’s REALLY nice to have a community esp when it can feel really lonely.
♥
Yes and replying doesn't mean I'm not over it, it means I'm alive and well in spite of them! We all can do it, all of us, who doesn't have problems, does taking them out on someone else really work? If it did they wouldn't have to keep degrading us!
Thank God for this community and Jerry. Parents like this are crazy making. They suck the life out of you.
@@Sarara-mv5sx My father projected that he was tolerant of varying opinions, but after a variant opinion was voiced by someone present, or even on TV, that opinion was shamed, humiliated and questioned as to how one could ever hold that variant viewpoint. Yes, it is good to know it is not unusual for many of us adult "kids" to be working on differentiating from our families of origin even in our 60's, a process which generally should have been completed and celebrated by our 18th birthday.
1. feel guilt for being born 2. take care of them 3. dont be "selfish" 4. give them total control 5. your time
1. yeah the feeling of being only a burden.....it lasts
My dad likes to tell me that my mother has never been well since the day I was born. Charming. Then usually followed by:” You should go talk to her”. I do wish I could, but she literally doesn’t say anything normal at all. The content is undigestible (just boils down to what is wrong with everyone and why they don’t do things according to how she thinks is correct)
@@jmvwegnerpriestmy mother hates me for "being like my dad", my dad hates me for "being like my mum" - they deserve each other ; )
... All of these added up equals scumbag😉.
Oh my so sad, but these items are said and the narc parents fervently believe these items and use them for intrusive guilt to control our lives.
If they ever say "you were a mistake" I would quickly just quip back with "it's nice to finally hear you own up to one of your mistakes" 🤣
😂
Lol good one!!! 😂🤣
"That was your mistake, not mine".
Ten seconds later, your dad rams his fist into your mouth.
If you ever hear that, cut contact instantly and forever. Yikes
The best thing I think you can do with narc parents is agree with them for everything but secretly plan your escape.
That's what I did
Spot on advice! Dont walk run, run, run. I had to do it finally and I couldnt be more at peace and successful and I never that coming.
My fiance helped me get out. But he does say sometimes how he tried to speak sense in situations and all it did was get worse lashback on me from my mom. The only way to survive is to agree and flee when you can.
I did that. And it worked. It made my father mad. And what made it worse for him was that I was still around, even when he needed help, but it was on my terms. I couldn’t pretend to be warm to him because he destroyed the precious family shelter for me a long, long time ago. I stayed decent and obliging to his needs when he turned weak, fading and ill, but not truly feeling anything for him except sadness for what it could have been if he was a real father.
I agree with this statement because that’s what I did and moved away as well. Nothing good comes out of the constant back and forth you get easily drained and sick.
I didn't go my abusive father's funeral. He did enough damage.
You have a right to feel hurt and wronged.
Now you need to get on the path to healing.
Amen….
I will not go there either. It will be like jumping into a hornet hive because of all of his flying monkeys.
I recently found out that pops died in 2010, 14 years ago. Kind of good to know. I did know that mom died in 2007. Good riddance. Strangely, neither ever thought that they ever did anything wrong. Ever.
I didn't go to my narcisstic absent father's funeral either.
Recovering from narcissists is not easy becasue you never feel like your life is your own. You are trained from birth to put others needs ahead of your own and also trained never to set boundaries. So you grow up becoming servents to toxic people that recognize your vulnerability. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted. I am healing with time. Its hard work but worth it.
Yup, they retarget over and over again.
This is currently my life
scottflitzpatrick1939, Keep going it can be done. I hope that you can find some good, empathetic people who will appreciate your company. Sending love.
I resonate with you
My life too.
He owes me a childhood, thankfully I can start again at 42
Yes, I am starting over. I started over at age 51.💯💯💯
I'll remember this one 🎉😂
Me too. Don’t give up. One day at a time.
But don’t get a women involved, your healing shouldn’t be her burden. (Sorry, projecting)
yes you can!
My dad said I owed them my life and everything that I am including my income. I cut them off. Forever. Happy to say, I am no longer on antidepressants and I am thriving in my marriage and at work.
My mother is dying of cancer. I have been communicating with her more because her time is limited. Bad idea! She’s come at me with all the same toxic “something is wrong with you! You’re mentally ill”. Ive been a wreck. I’ve gone back to no contact. I should have never gone back to her. It kills me. I’ll never be ok for her. The only cure for this pain is to stay away from her. That’s what I’ve found.
I feel you. I know it may not help to hear this, but I’m praying for you and everyone here 🙏💙 Stay strong, you did the right thing, you did the best you could.
Sounds like my dad, instead. He's the one with the problem, not me. I'm no contact again, for my own protection. I wish he would man up, grow up and shut the hell up. I didn't ask for his opinion(largely negative, which he takes out on me. Jerk!)
I get help, but he needs it so much more than I do, for the abuse he's heaped on me. Which he blamed me for for. Some nerve! He hates women and took it out on me. Sadist!
Thankyou for this reminder ! The narcissism can get worse when they are in duress or in a crisis. They don’t suddenly become open to a loving exchange. They expect service but won’t become vulnerable enough to exchange love . Very very good reminder because that’s a time when loving people make the assessment that time is short , so they/we would fast forward that process. It’s a trap !
My mom has late-stage stomach cancer. When she told me about her diagnosis on the phone, I specifically asked her „do you want me to come over?” and she said no, she’s scheduled for more doctor’s appointments so she’s going to see me when she knows more about her situation and future. Upon meeting me later that week, she promptly shamed me for giving her the space SHE HAD ASKED FOR and not coming to her.
Anyone else hear: What would the neighbors think? 😂
All the time. What will the people at church think… What will your grandparents think… What will the neighbors think….
What I always wanted to respond was- “Well, just thinking out loud here but they’ll probably all think that I’m a kid being a damn kid. Shocker!”
Of course. That was the most important thing in the world.
Yeah 😢
Or"everyone says about you.. "
@@northstar5919Every day, that sentence make me wanna vomit, giving me stomach ache and nausea.
My mother owes me a childhood, warmth, affection, and safety. She failed at every single one of those things, and more.
So, I'd say we are even now.
Rest in peace mommy dearest.
Respond logically, don’t react emotionally.
Easier said than done.
Harder said then done when you're surrounded and consumed by subjective thought patterns.
They're immune to logic. I don't even bother responding. Why waste my breath? Distance is the cure.
If you have leverage, start doling out ultimatums and enforcing them. They’ll figure it out quickly.
Once I started doing this I realized it was best not to respond at all. They will go to the depths of hell in an attempt to get an emotional reaction. Meeting their verbal attacks with silence and escaping to my room to scream into my pillow was honestly my saving grace until I escaped and went no contact. The attacks now come via email, or a random text msg slandering me to one of my family members.
My mother went ape s… crazy when I moved out at 26. She’d wanted me to
stay with her forever as a barrier between her and my father. She taught me all men are awful and told me often to never get married. She’s long gone now and my hubby and I are celebrating 44 years. So glad I walked out
Congratulations! So glad you didn’t listen to her & chose what was best for you!❤
Perfect revenge! Congratulations!
How did you move out? I know times have changed, but I am currently 28 and am stuck with a narc mother who will not let me leave! As in, she will not allow me to save up money when I have a job as she demands most of my monthly paychecks otherwise she will make my life hell and then kick me out.
@@haileyt857 use your paycheck to pay a damage deposit and first months rent. You can eat for cheap for first few months. Buy secondhand furniture, sleep on a sponge until you can buy a bed. Get a credit card, so you can buy things you need and pay it in small installments monthly. Get a 2nd job if you need to. There are ways, your independence and freedom are invaluable. It can be done!
Congratulations!!! ✨🍀🎉My husband and I are on our 14th year. 😍💗
I had to literally move 500 miles away to protect my peace and my children's peace from my selfish mother.
A wise move. Physical distance is protecting your mental health.
I had to do that too to get away from both of our WHOLE family.
I moved just save my own sanity and thinking very seriously about moving to New Zealand!
Moving out of local calling zone helped. My MIL said “We’d love to have you near but we recognize you and your marriage have a better chance if you move as far away from your family as you can”
I moved to a different continent over 30 years ago. One of the best things I ever did!
One thing I learned from my narcissistic mother is not to waste your energy trying to argue with narc people. They won't hear you, and they will use and distort your words against you. In the last months I still lived with my mother, I literally let her say and scream what she wanted without a simple reply. They feed on fights, on our energy. Let them starve! I moved out about 3 months ago, and it is the best thing I ever did. However, I feel that she stole so many years of my life!
Yep - being in tech I deal with narcissist after narcissist, but little do they know I have been training since I was born dealing with my dad
Both of my parents have passed. I have never visited their graves. It's never even been a serious consideration. I hope for their peace. And most importantly, my peace.
Before I went no contact with my mother she would say some BS thing attempting to control me by tossing a guilt/ shame bomb, I would just say calmly, "You can think that if you want to." She never had a reply. Once, I started to figure all of this out it became much easier to not fall for the trap. Now I see her for what she is jealous and manipulative.
I'm sorry that you went through that.
You deserve love and respect especially from your own blood.
I hope you get on the path to healing. ❤
Aren't you wise and in control, I warned mine several times to nice up or else, she didn't, even lied I had power of attorney, just to make a mess! We end up being able to walk through fire because we have! ❤
That's such a good expression, "tossing a shame-bomb". My own mother does this all the time.
Still learning to see it as her calling me a coca-cola and not let it send me spinning. Might copy your response next time!
I admire your courage.
I have been so intrenched in narcissism, I was blind to it all. All I knew was how horrible I felt around my mother. I too just “started to figure all of this out” at 58. I am so grateful to understand, it is very freeing. Now I just need to move her out of my house.
Screaming at me, locking me away in my room for a week at a time, broken promises, making me beg for food, only to be able to eat it on the floor of my room. I will never forget what my mother did to me.
You will. And for good 😌💪
God bless you
++ be blessed
I took care of a sibling's young children for several months about twenty years ago. I do not feel they owe me anything. I owed THEM because I was the ADULT. Not the other way around. Those kids don't have to do anything for me. I took care of them because I loved them. That's all.
Same
Yes! Love is loves reward.
@@msfaye5402Absolutely!🎉
One thing is for certain: even though you are an adult, you are supposed to assume your child role whenever you are with them. No. Due to so many painful childhood experiences, I don't value our relationship so that I will subject myself to that. To me, it's not unforgiveness, it's self-protection.
My entire life my mom would constantly tell me I’m selfish and “it’s not all about you”. I took everything for so many years until one day I responded “I know. How could it possibly be when it’s always about you!” I’ve tried everything I could for years with my family and I just finally went no contact for good this week at the age of 43. A part of me wishes that I didn’t take so long but another part of me is glad that I know for sure that I did everything that I could possibly think of.
Same for me too - I’m 43 but took that step after ‘the last straw’ a year ago - I tried everything and continued trying until I realised I had nothing left, my battery was empty / dead / broken- it was either leave or be broken- and so I left, because enough damage had been done and my conscience clear. Big hug xx
Your ahead of me I waited longer and just did it. You need that certainty before it's beyond repair..
You owe them everything and even their "love" is only conditional.
When you´ll figure it out, you´ll find out, they never loved you and at the same time, you don´t owe them anything, because they always took away from you MORE, than they gave you.
Oh… I figured it out about my mom , my dad was very loving but passed . I simply can’t have a normal communication with her now, I have been mentally tortured because of this situation.
WOW, I can relate, you speak truth.
That was the case with me. This 'you owe me' mindset was coming out in volumes.
Some narcissist parents have children to serve them.
My narcissist mother had me to serve her and when I refused I became her enemy.
@@winning3329 It was the same with me too. Serve mine, and know I would still be last, and not really part of 'her family' - as she put it. That was my sign to finish any remaining involvement with her or 'her family'.
Think about how hard it is for people that live in a community with this unhealthy mindset in which you are a slave, a loser and your narcissistic parents are heroes.
I am 74, I don’t expect my child to take care of me. I still help her out. With today’s economy she struggles. The only thing I desire from my child is respect.
What you want, is often what you will get. When you put it out in the universe "I don't expect her to take care of me", you will either pass quickly or suffer in a elderly home. If you truly had a a good relationship where you lifted you child up, you would be happy knowing that she will take care of you when the time comes. And that nots being narcissistic
@@Justin-jf4ub my daughter will take care of me. She always looks out for me. I just don’t ever want to be a burden to her or anyone. My prayer is that the Lord will take me home well before that.
@@Justin-jf4ubThat is the most ridiculous, laughable and narcissistic comment I have ever heard! How about you be financially responsible, and take care of yourself. When you choose to have a child, it is 100% your responsibility to take fully care of that child in every way, until they reach the age of adulthood, and make a life for themselves when the time is right. Your children are supposed to be loved unconditionally with no strings attached. Look after yourself, and get the right help that is available to you in your elderly years, without being a burden to your children and their families, and you will be taken care of by your family in the right way. Most families are not equipped to take care of aging parents due to busy, and sometimes complicated lives, and no medical training. If you are healthy, and your child “invites” you to live with them in a respectable way with boundaries, then by all means go for it, but they do not owe that to you, just because you took care of them as children, which was simply your responsibility, no matter what.
@@kikiann2268you people need to think before having kids. Every child deserves parents, not all parents deserve a child
@@lindah.8564 that’s your opinion. My daughter has a great relationship with her parents. Maybe you don’t have children that don’t care about you. That’s very sad for you.
A few years back, I was having health issues, and my doctor wanted to know if I had been breastfed. I didn't know. When I asked my mother, she defensively answered, "I tried breastfeeding you in the hospital, but YOU rejected my breast!" I was an innocent newborn baby, and she was already blaming me for her own inadequacies.
Sounds like you were a smart little cutie pie too for rejecting THAT breast🌞👍.
Lol, I was similarly told by my mother that I didn’t like to be held, that I “pushed away”. If so, maybe she was holding me awkwardly and needed to adjust somehow. Or maybe I picked up signals and really didn’t want to be held by her. Or maybe it was all made up. Just knowing that the reason for telling this story is to guilt/shame me tells me everything I need to know.
Yes! I've been told a million times "I always wanted a baby to love and to hold, but YOU always pushed me away!" But she breastfed me. That can't be true.
@@bunnyvelour2820 My mother said the same about me. For years I believed her. However one of my cousin's recently told me that wasn't the case at all. Apparently I enjoyed being cuddled by my family when I was a toddler.
I asked my mother why she never hugged me. She said that I didn't want it. She never said that she loved me and never said sorry ever. Now at 53 I have the same feelings back for her.
When I wanted to move out of the house (30 years old & single), my Mom told me, "Oh sure, just when you should be helping out! You want to leave?!"
Wait, no one ever told me that I had to stay at her house to financially help out!? Never, not once was that ever brought up before I wanted to leave!
I stayed 5 years longer & then moved out!
Once in a blue moon there's this feeling of guilt for not feeling a morsel of guilt ... but it quickly goes away.
It is so comforting to know I am not the only one. Parents are supposed to love you and home is supposed to be a safe place. The hurt and betrayal is enormous and keeps affecting my life and relationships.
My three young siblings and I were once in the back of our car with dad at the wheel and mum in front passenger seat. All us kids were less than ten years old. My mother turned to my father and said, “if it wasn’t for the kids, we’d be millionaires by now!” You never forget words like that. I never forgot my dad showing no understanding of the implications of what mum had just said.. They were both narcs. Mum would complain that family allowance wasn’t enough to keep a child. I hid the holes in my shoes from other kids. We didn’t have a toothbrush, slippers or night clothes, even though parents had more money than most. It made me realise that all we need is enough, but I owe them nothing. When I finally called mum out after suffering decades of covert abuse, she had the cheek to say she had always put us kids first! I just walked away and never felt happier for going no contact.
I had 2 narcissist parents, one covert the other overt. Dad had a secret second family. Mum would shout 'I hate you all, wish I'd never had you ' . She only liked babies. One time my dad intervened in a fight btwn me and my brother and told me to remember I was nothing. I never forgot. He once left a thumb print on my neck after pinning me to a wall for saying something back at mum....
My father was not only narcissist, but a total sadist sadly. Besides enjoying to beat me and verbally humiliate me, he sad more than once that he has “given me this life and he can also take it away from me.” He wasn’t drunk or on substances or in the heat of an argument. He said it when nobody was around in my very vulnerable years. Now that he is dead, I realize that he perhaps enjoyed causing me pain and fear. How sad. I don’t think that he ever regretted any of his behaviors. He forgot them, but his last years were passing in terrible depression because he was loosing strength to beat up mentally and physically on the family he “created!” He died alone surrounded by people who didn’t know him and could hardly care about him. And now where is he? All that’s left is a tragic memory of his existence.
@@taniamartin6978that’s just horrible! So heartbreaking 😢
Exactly: Self Interested B.... Just like mine. Marriage was all about the money and security and appearing normal.
@@SculptExpress-gv8jp I hope you’re doing well on your healing journey. Your father was a psychopath. My mother is one also.
My mum said I owed her grandchildren. Nope. I don’t want children after the absolutely awful childhood I had, thanks.
I thought the same about children until I went to counseling, found healing in Jesus’ love for me as a catholic and found my catholic husband. Then I realized I was shoring myself in the foot and hoping it hurt my mother… I’m no contact with her and I’m a new mom of a three month old. I love my son so much and am working to give him the childhood I never had, it’s such a blessing to be a mother but, despite my mother’s attempts to make me talk to her since he was born, I have not gone back and that has been the best decision because I get to give the good side of me to my husband and son and not what’s left after I’m done trying to make my mother happy (in vain)
@moonstar9101 yes, I also didn't have children. Growing up with an extreme covert narc father and malignant narc sister, even as a child I decided that if I can't rid myself of his toxic genetic material the least I could do is not inflict it upon anyone else. Malignant sibling had 4. From what I see 2 are narcs and 2 are not. So no, don't regret not having kids.
I wish I hadn’t had children 😢
She wants grandkids so she can keep being abusive, sadly does not want them to be cherished by her.
I knew mine would be compared to the golden child’s. It happened. GC had 2 sons, the black sheep had 2 daughters. The boys are my parents whole world. They have no relationship with the girls.
I love the "I wasn't waiting out there in the universe to ambush you and make your life miserable"😂
😋
Mine told me my disembodied "soul" chose them as parents. Really fucked up.
@@amberfuchs398 they can use the religion very well. Mine kept shaming me for "not being a good Christian" each time i started rebelling.
😂😂...I'm using that next time.
That's a classic response.
THIS!!! 🎯‼️
Extremely overt narcissistic father with the Rage alcoholic temper…
Co-dependant & Covert narcissist, mother…. Flying monkey siblings, and other family members and friends. I’m the firstborn daughter SCAPEGOAT. It took me a long long time to figure this out because I did not want to admit that it was true. I wanted to say I grew up in a loving and caring family. So I say - thank you (to them) for the “3 hots and a cot”. That’s an old phrase to say thank you for the food and a place to sleep when growing up. 😌
We (& you) can move on and heal. We (& you) are more resilient and stronger than we know. Blessings to you if you are reading this ❤️🙏🏼❤️
This comment resonates!
You described my childhood
I completely get the “not wanting to admit reality to yourself.” For a very long time I was in denial. For years, I would avoid all the traumas my parents caused me- I didn’t feel “allowed” to talk about them/felt like a “bad daughter” if i did. But I’ve reached a point of my life where I need to heal. I need to take therapy seriously and admit that things weren’t perfect. Congratulations on your healing journey- you got this! 🙏🙏
@@Catturtlelover3000 We're conditioned to gaslight ourselves. I'm still trying to figure out why it's so traumatizing after having stopped doing this - is it because I'm finally facing reality? I suppose so. Gaslighting yourself is a kind of denial - or "betrayal blindness". I suppose it's a defense against what feels like an overwhelming reality...still trying work out or work through this.
@@Sarara-mv5sx yup! It’s our brain’s “survival mechanism”. Because we have no way of escaping the trauma at the time so our brain just denies/represses it.
But the more my mother sees me peaceful the more she hates me. It makes her crazy when she sees she can’t make me react anymore.
Good for you!
That’s the way my dad is - even after supposedly he’s been “redeemed” because he got a bit of therapy and meds and doesn’t scream as much anymore
It really explains everything doesn't it? That their child's success and well being threatens them.
My narcissist father would say, "you're too sensitive, just like your mother" as he was beating me with his belt and screaming at me.
Oh damn. I’m so sorry.
😳😲😲
I'm so sorry. No child deserves that. ☹
@@saratanartistunfortunately it happens to way too many Innocent children every day. 😢
When your abusive father hits you as a child, scare the sh*t out of him in old age as a monster of a grown man. Tell him, "Not so tough anymore eh...?"
I should have gone no contact years ago when she told me she never wanted a daughter. Well, you don't have one anymore!
The things they say but some how we're not supposed to say anything to that. Like some how we don't deserve a better more loving parent.
What damaged them? And there needs to be better laws on this. They need mental help but won't go unless it means them creating a fake story that changes.
And they can't get picked up and put into in treatment unless she starts physically hitting people. And who's going to be the one to call with all the guilt trips everybody tries to avoid? 🤔 You know our system needs a big change to deal with this. Big time. Somebody is going to have to have a pair that has the energy too.
The amount of times I was introduced as the "biggest mistake of my life"...from the female who called me her mother...always followed by the smirk (I still don't deal with smirks well)..Thankyou Mr Wise your videos are much appreciated....from Scotland
@ighanchks3500 Thankyou....
I hope you left her in the dust.
Oh, the smirk! That is worse than any growl. I can't stand them either.
So sorry you had to go through that
I remember my mother saying she resented always seeing me with my kids and not just by myself, yet she expected me to supply her with grandchildren. Internally, I thought it was completely unreasonable.
@janetpickel8399 - OMG - I had opposite - my mom complained about the whining, constant attention to them, runny noses, naptime in middle of day - blah,blah, blah - she spent little time with them growing up AND blamed me for not having a good relationship with them as adults.
Hypocrites they are!! Giving conflicting aims...so that you always fail in one. .and they are "always on top".
You don't get a trophy for doing the bare minimum the law requires to keep your children alive.😅😅😅
"You don't get a trophy for doing the bare minimum"
Thank you! I wondered what it took to NOT get a trophy.
Yes. They even say it themselves why they only give you the minimum. My narc parents just gave us the minimum calorie intake to stay alive and they would throw good food away because one my father is alcoholic who can survive on alcohol alone and my narc mother likes to waste and throw away and then always say that I am old enough to cook my own food. When I was 18, unemployed, she said that I was old enough to buy my food, so she only included herself and father in groceries. When I realize what she was doing and told her directly and the truth that she was letting food go to waste, it was hell, she started yelling and started humiliating me in front of the neighbor and their children, whom they always held as standard because they were working at a young age but were not really involved in academics like I was, which they undermined for them, and with ADHD, having multiple task is a really difficult feat. They also used my ADHD behavior and symptoms in their favor to mentally abuse, which I was never diagnosed.
Dad does this and expects me to be happy with the few breadcrumbs he drops to me. NO! He barely does the minimum and gives me resentment for doing that. His attitude/behavior to me, his problem! I owe him nothing!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 "He barely does the minimum and gives me resentment for doing that. His attitude/behavior to me, his problem! I owe him nothing!"
Seems to be some circularity. You owe him nothing and he owes you a bare minimum. Well, bare minimum is still more than nothing; papa wins the virtue signaling.
Right. Dad(narc) expects me to outright lie; tell people he does nice things for me on a weekly basis. I am lucky he bothers and gives me crap about the little he does. I won't lie to myself or others so he can feel superior. I deserve a better father!
They shape you and then get upset with you for how you turned out regarding your decisions and actions?🤨 And then doesn't want to talk about the dysfunctional environment that they created for you.
Yes. Denial!
Scapegoat here,glad I got the hell away!
You owe your parents literally nothing. Not a single thing. They ripped you from the void and shoved you screaming into this world. They owe you everything.
Exactly
Agreed. Nobody understands this.
I think parents can be absolutely terrible, but I disagree with this sentiment. You are looking at life as only a curse. Life is also a gift. So there should be a balanced acknowledgement of the hurt our parents have done us to us, but also acknowledgement of the opportunities they provided us. If you have enjoyed even just one small part of your existence, at any point in life, your parents are partly to thank for it, simply for the existence they have given you. Ever enjoyed eating a burger? Whelp, that wouldn't be possibly unless your parents made you. Ever enjoyed music, or a good movie? That too wouldn't have been possible unless your parents had made you.
@@abesapien9930 You should Thank God for that, the creator. HE is the one who made you, every single facet of your being, who handpicked you because he wanted you, not because he needed you.
Your parents just had sex.
@@abesapien9930 You should Thank God for that, the creator. He is the one who made you with every facet of your being. Who created you because he wanted you and not because he needed you.
Your parents just had sex.
As a son of two NPD parents, the existence with people that are more focused on the public optics quality of a family rather than the actual quality of the family itself is not living, its existence.
She (my mother) gave me my body (and I didn't asked for it).
But my soul I got from God = my life
Thank you, Jerry
Just think you don't have to go through all of this if you just get rid of them and go no contact!!! No explanations, you have that right! That is what I did and now I don't have to deal with the nonsense anymore and I can live my life!! They chose to have you and be parents. You owe them nothing! The problem lies with you not them. They will never change! So please think of yourself first first and live the life you want!!!! All love to all of you always. Thank you for your videos :)
I think you’re lacking human emotion to be so blunt about something like this.
My NM is in a nursing home on hospice now, and I will feel nothing but relief when she dies. I owe her nothing. I went no nontact a year ago after my father died and I have not regretted it. Now other people are having to deal with her bs and not me. She wil still say things to my sibling (who still sees her) like "Your dad would never do this to me", and "How could you and your sister treat me this way after all I've done for you". HA! How about a lifetime of CPTSD. The gift that keeps on giving. I suffered abuse at her hands for too long and I am now free. Your video is spot on. Sometimes the best thing one can do is walk away. I had to do it for my own sanity.
Sorry for all you had to go through 🙏🏾 she will soon asleep in Jesus - and everyone will breathe finally - BUT I ask that you do visit her one last time to offer Christ to her - narcs are pretty much damned to hell so we want to make sure they have a chance to repent ask for forgiveness and accept Christ in their heart .. if it doesn’t go well .. no harm no foul - you won’t worry about seeing here again here nor there ☝🏾
I appreciate everyone sharing their stories in the comments. I grew up thinking it must be my fault because no other family must be like mine.
Same here. These past few years I have had an epiphany learning about mental illness. I now know that my mother has BPD, but growing up I just thought she was INCREDIBLY weird, and that no other family was like mine. Baby me, made the decision though shortly after arriving in the circus to be the complete antithesis of her.
Just reciprocate back based on how they treated you.If they were unkind &/or didn't show genuine empathy...then you owe them nothing but ending up alone in old age.We all reap what we sow eventually.All we owe each other is reciprocation ultimately, that's why if you're smart you treat your kids well & raise them right because someday you'll be a elderly person that needs help in your old age😊.
I’ve heard just about every message you mentioned. It took me decades to realize that it is all one big mind f*ck.
Thanks for the good reply prompts!!
I love the whole idea of practicing responses before being there in person because it's so easy to become frozen in the moment and not know what to say!
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
I didn’t ask to be born or abused. I owe them nothing.
I don't owe them anything, THEY owe me! And they could start with a sincere apology, which I know I'll never get.
Jerry, I am eternally grateful for your channel and others like it on RUclips. Family-of-origin realities are very difficult to face and process, but this work must be done if we hope to reclaim ourselves and build genuine lives.
I appreciate that
5 years no contact and she's never ever ever asked for her grandchildren. Like Ever. Lack of empathy. She's a grandiose narcissist and sees her grandchildren as a threat and competition.
knarly
Same as mine!! Her excuse is that I’m an adult now and I can reach out to her. My daughter is 7 and son 10 and she never contacted to ask how everything was. I don’t care about her anymore and I make it a mission to be a real mother and always call my children first regardless of anything and any age !
That's so sad.
So that's what it is... I think mine view's them as threats too...
@@Bre-o6imy mother in law is the same but on top of that whines and cries to her friends and boyfriend that we are the ones keeping them from her. Just straight up lies.
Extremely helpful! I cut them off entirely. Surprisingly, this has initiated some healing I had not expected.
This video is very supportive
I agree, it's really good hearing someone else saying these things.
I have a narc mom, sister and an enabling father. I was also the scapegoat in the family and my sister the golden child. I am 41 yrs. old. I have been "No contact" with my family for 4yrs. now. I appreciate your video's! To those out there who feel like OMG, what the hell and are just waking up to the reality of the abuse they've been through their entire life. Remember, you are not alone and besides here. There is a lot of info. out there to help you. I no longer see myself as a victim of narc abuse, but a survivor. And it's taken me 6-7 years to get this far. I am now working on my shopping addiction which stems from the deep root of not ever having been good enough for my mother. From someone who has been through it. Sometimes it takes one day at a time. And absorbing every bit of info. about the situation as possible. My best to everyone going through this!
My brother sent me to this channel and I am extremely appreciative of him for doing so. For so long, I have thought *I* was the problem... That something was (is) wrong with *me*. I knew deep down there wasn't but the emotional abuse I've endured for 55+ years has taken its toll.
I'm to the point now that I don't care if my toxic family reads this or not. I am sick and tired of being scapegoated, gaslighted, and emotionally manipulated.
I was in a leadership workshop at work sometime in the past six months and something was said about an employee telling you they did the best they could. We were being trained to respond that we respect that but that their best wasn't good enough. Maybe they should find something else to do. Well, that's a line I'm going to use the next time I'm told, "but she's your mother. She did the best she could."
Yeah, well, it wasn't good enough and it continues to not be good enough.
I have been guilted into wanting their stuff when they die. Are you kidding me? That stuff means nothing to anyone except you. I'm steadily going through my stuff and getting rid of it so my kids don't have to. It means *nothing* to them and I am fine with that.
I have vowed to my wife and kids they owe me nothing. That if I get to the point I cannot take care of myself, put me in a damn home.
I have chosen to forgive my mom but remain no contact.
Stay strong, you got this!
No shame in that, toxic people are toxic people regardless of who they are, it's best to keep them out of your life.
Hope to be away from my narc parent very soon
Don't forgive mine. Been no contact for a year.
Ugh. My mother always used to ask me, point blank, "Are you going to take care of me when you're older?" with a penetrating gaze. Like many times. Also, "Are you going to live in our house when we're gone?" with the same penetrating gaze.
Life is better after NC.
Catch 22 manipulation. Currently letting a parent go into foreclosure due to her lack of willingness to respect and compromise.
@denisem8570Ugh, that's hideous!
Who would want to go back into the house again?
Did she take care of her own mother/parents?
@@olilumgbalu5653Hmm! No. She moved her mom into a home where she lived, and went to visit her, but no, left that to the pros. Great point!
I've been feeling guilty all week and needed to hear this, thank you!!
I've been trying to talk my dad into moving in with me for a few years now. Went to visit him for his 80th birthday last wknd and it intensified my feelings about taking care of him.
I feel the complete opposite about my 72 yr old mother. Which is where the guilt comes in. Ironically, guilt that she instilled me.
I fight with both parents about moving in, but in opposing ways LOL I want to take care of my dad, but he refuses to move in. Mom expects me to take care of her, but I refuse to let her move in (again). I've already learned my lessons with her...but omg the guilt!!
I look back at my life and all of the "family" meetings that my mom had with me and my two sisters and my Dad. Now I see that all it was probably about was that mom was not being praised enough and therefore we had feel guilty and be ashamed that we were not praising her enough. Now I understand why finally my dad had an affair. He finally figured out that my mom would never really love him. I also feel sorry that my sisters had it worse than I did. No love shown to them and no pride shown to them for all of the accomplishments that they had in their life. My mom likes to say "I love you with all of my heart". That statement after she has been drinking and wants to give me a hug makes my skin crawl. The only love that I have ever felt from her is a superficial love. If I do not praise her enough or agree with everything that she says than I need to feel guilty or ashamed of myself.
🤔Affairs are unacceptable but it's important to understand the reason behind the behavior.People need to always remember that over the long-term divorce isn't as bad as a horrible marriage ultimately...It can even be beneficial for the kids in these cases of abuse.Although in your case your dad probably would've had a low chance of getting custody if you guys were kids because the courts in 🇺🇸 are stacked against 🚹 even today😮💨...Perhaps that kept him in the marriage even if he hated it🤔.
There's no excuse for cheating.
Love is shown through action not words
She sounds kind of similar to my a-dad (bipolar alcoholic), who wanted a lot of praise for doing stuff, and praising him up to the heavens was encouraged by a-mum when just a simple “thank you” would have been warranted.
Getting a “thank you” when I’ve gone out of my way to help someone else feels like enough to me.
@@malwads1836 this is partly why patriarchal society and sexism hurts everyone. It’s complicated, though. Some dads do also complain about not being allowed to see their children, but actually made no effort to. They’re the ones that probably still want to control the mothers, but need some kind of leverage and the kids just happen to be the pawns in that shitty game.
My narcissist mother feels that I was born to serve her. I’m 48, now and still feels and treats me this way. Unfortunately my two young adult children and I are living with her and it’s hell. They know how to handle her but when it comes to me, I’m still her main target! She tries to control everyone and everything in the house! I’m done! I already grieved that their will never be a mother/daughter relationship now she acts jealous of the great relationship I have with my daughter….weird!?! I’m just gonna continue to save and leave. I will not live the second half of my life unhappy!!!!!
My deepest sympathy and understanding. Run as soon as you can. I'm 67 and my narc female parent is acting as if I should wait on her hand and foot. Wish I'd gone NC years ago. It will never change. Run!
You can do this! Xx
Oh my gosh! I made the comment one day to my mother that I was put on this earth to serve her and her her response was how sweet, thank you.
@@jeanalizotte2039 wow these people are really sick in their heads and I keep trying to remind myself of this but it’s so hard. Two things I can tell you the, is try not to take it personally because if it wasn’t you trust and believe in would be someone else and try to go limited contact if ur in the same house with her. Also , utilize grey rock. These things together seem to be working for me until I can get out and never look back! Hope this helps you a little. Stay strong and safe ❤️🙏✌️💪
When I was about 8 years old & my mother was always complaining about me, one day I replied to her, "Well I didn't ask to be born". Her answer was, "Oh yes you did".
That’s effing AWFUL😡🤬😢
@@barrystorms6891 What is awful is that she continuously went on about not wanting me & hating me ŕight from when I was a baby but it never seemed to occurr to her that she might take responsibility for her actions instead of taking out her feelings on me & repeatedly beating me unconscious
That is effing bananas. I suppose you could fire back with "Well, you could have said no!" for giggles, but then that validates the irrationality of the entire exchange.
@@sarahstrong7174 There are no words…hope you’re in a better place now😢
I said the same to my mum when I was 13-14 and she replied "You are free to kill yourself if you want".
My mom has said all those things.
Jerry, you have helped me so much. I thank you with all my heart.
I hope ur planning on getting out
Things we owe our parents =. 0
This video coming up in my feed is absolute final piece of evidence I need to know that Google is actively listening to me stomp around my house, muttering to myself about my problems.
Yeah! It’s spooky how much that happens isn’t it! 😊
Honestly if parents treat their kids with respect & are apart of our lives with no doubt we are obviously going to take care of them but it's always the parents that don't respect us & give us less than the bare minimum that expect the most & treat us the worst.
My mother flat out told me that I ruined her life. She got pregnant with me when she was 16 and was forced to marry my father who went on to abuse her. She made it clear to me, and anyone else she spent time with, that my presence ruined her physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.
I think we all sense the same sentiments from a narc parent. I know my dad would have loved to have been single his whole life but ended up with three children. He told my mom, ‘no man wants to get married.’ He is terrible to my mom and family and is so secretive. One day, when he passes, I’m going to finally be able to treat my mom to a life without a narcissistic husband.
You being on this site and posting shows me and others that you know you are valuable, precious, kind and strong.
You’re not responsible for anything here. You dad is responsible for having unprotected sex with a 16 year old girl, she’s responsible for letting him (if he sought her consent, which abusive men don’t usually ask for), and the whole society is responsible for shaming a pregnant 16 year old girl into marriage with an abusive man. The only person who has no responsibility AT ALL is the baby.
That’s so sad. You deserve better. Please know nothing is your fault. 💕
RUN, dont walk, RUN!
My narcissistic mother said to my pregnant daughter, “Why didn’t you tell me you’re expecting twin boys?” My daughter replies, “Because you blocked me, Nan.” 😒
It’s Amazing they expect people to not speak a plain truth. And many like to put people on the spot.
Thank you for this channel. My mother once told me, when I was an adult, I was a bad daughter when I tried to explain to her the way that I felt. I did it in a very calm way, but it didn’t matter. She didn’t want to hear the way that I felt. Your words are like the hugs. I never got when I was a child.
this video made my blood pressure go through the roof. Possibly the most triggering video on this channel.
Feel ya 😳😮💨😳
💯
He's selling a course. 😂
Because it’s an unnecessary trigger or because difficult issues are being dealt with?
Like because you think it’s an unnecessary trigger, or because some deep mental trauma is getting worked through?
I mean, maybe a therapist would be better than yt videos for you tbf, but you will have to work through the tough stuff there too
I guarantee, if these parents were more pleasant to be around, they wouldn’t have to guilt ppl to come around….
I dont owe them anything, neither will i act like it either. I will remember everything though.
Some children take care of their elderly parents because they want to and had normal parents.
I fussed over my grandparents without ever tiering. I think my parents are confused as to why I’m not that same loving person with them, but my grandparents were easy to love, just by allowing me to be me. My own parents just view me as a thing to dump all their trauma onto, and wonder why this is not a pleasurable way to spend my time. I’m almost 50 and tried for years to explain things from every angle and asked for joint counselling, but they seem unable to consider that all of their troubles with the world might have anything to do with their own way of thinking. They don’t have friends (I think because peers would have more courage than their own children to tell them that their behaviour is off), and don’t watch TV (only use the internet to read their conspiracy theories). They live in an echo chamber.
Nobody denies that. The majority of people here don't have normal parents, so I don't know what your point is.
@@MBarberfan4life I was only saying that some children want to care for their elderly and don't want them in a nursing home.
@lilythomas869 again what's the point? Were they good parents? We aren't on this channel because we had good parents.
@@amberinthemist7912 I was only responding to the generality that some parents feel their children owe them care in old age, whereas it's not necessary to say when you have children that care. I know this channel is about abusive patents
Jerry Wise dropped bombs in this video 😂❤💯
😂 'Waiting out there in the universe to ambush you and make your life miserable'.
Thanks Jerry, for this hilarious mental picture.😆 God bless ❤
I remember one time when my sister and I were teenagers. My sister wanted to go out with her boyfriend and my mom told her she had to stay home and watch my younger siblings.
My sister became upset at this and shot back that they weren't her kids.
My mother became absolutely unhinged at this. She got on top of my sister and beat her up.
She apologized the next day but the damage was done.
When you made the example “Jerry, you are the worst therapist…” and if it brings up guilt and shame, then I know it is not true. Woooow! That was a huge gold ah-ha moment for me. I am now learning the difference between guilt and shame and healthy guilt and shame. This is a game changer for me in such a productive way! And I also understand how I still even guilt and shame myself, and so now I can say no to that. Thank you so much for your teachings. I am forever grateful.
I'm 49 and just recently started hearing people talk about how you don't owe your parents anything. I had never even thought I had a choice really. Conditioned to believe it's my duty to help and take care of my mom because she took care of me. But I would never expect my own kids to take care of me or sacrifice their own lives like that. I'm feeling less guilty for some of the resentment I have towards my mom.
Knowing how and having the courage to defend yourself verbally.. that’s a life changer.
Absolutely.
My mother used to threaten me to disinherit me if I didn't do as she wanted. One day I calmly said, "Well, Mom, it is YOUR money so you can choose to give it to anyone you want." She would say, "Don't Say that!" And she stopped doing this.
If my mom tries to tell me, I’m doing wrong that confirms I’m doing right, because her morals sensitive values and way of thinking on not right can’t even still after 63 years. I can’t even wrap my head around the things that she’s capable of.
As a single woman with no kids, it makes my blood boil when people ask, "who will take care of you when you get older?". There is no guarantee your children will take care of you. My dad took care of my paternal grandparents when my uncle and aunt did not step up.
🤣🤣🤣🤣My parents never paid for any of my 4 college degrees. My dad died two years ago and my authoritarian mother cut me out of the entire will because I asserted and established communication boundaries with her and she hated that. So she took away the house, gold, silver, cash, vehicles, dad’s tools, dad’s letters from Vietnam during his time in the Marine Corps, dad’s guns that he verbally gave to me before he passed🤣🤣🤣Yea, been no contact for a year and have a peaceful life!!👍
That's horrible. Where's it all going then,?
The problem with the current trend of naming other people narcissists is that we focus so much on other people and their toxicity we fail to notice those traits in ourselves and thus repeat the cycle. Having empathy and trying to understand the background of people and what made them who they are is important also. Not everyone is a narcissist, etc. My parent's generation, the silent generation, did things differently than mine(gen X) and they came from sheltered, immigrant parents, but i believe they did the best they could in raising me and my siblings, just like i did the best i could raising my kids.
Says a narc coming to a narcissistic abuse channel to try to blame and shame abuse survivors. 🤣If your family is so wonderful and doing their "best", why don't you go and live your best life with them?
No, not "everyone" is a narcissist, but there are plenty who most certainly ARE, and they have left destruction and annihilation in their wake. So don't come here and try to invalidate people who are trying to heal from it.
@@christinelamb1167I don’t even know why YT is feeding me this nonsense as I don’t have parent problems anymore, but wow….this place doesn’t seem like a place to come to heal but rather to complain. 🤷♀️
@@ashdav9980 Well for me, I'm not complaining. I'm healing! But I won't have my experience invalidated.
Just FYI, there are much more healing communities than this one seems to be. I just watched this video because, like you, it was fed to me by YT. I probably won't be back.
@@christinelamb1167❤
Giving away things to then make you feel guilty for having given them away, THAT IS NOT INDONDITIONAL LOVE (which is the job of parents), that is narcisism. WHAT NARCISSISTS GAVE, THEY GAVE WITH THE (SECRET) INTENTION TO GET AN INTEREST FROM YOU. THEY NEVER LOVED YOU.
Don't forget the threats like "I brought you into the world, no judge would condemn me for taking you out". Totally not damaging as a child who can't escape.
You make many good points. I believe I may be on the down hill side of the narcissistic parent mountain. It feels good. I am 81 and have been adversely affected all my life, until they died. Something about their death was freeing. I have no idea if they had the least awareness of how much they caused me constant emotional pain. How could that be you might ask. Because any suggestion that I had any negative thoughts or feelings was met with fiery outrage.
It actually made me laugh. Especially when they claim they paid for everything when they clearly did not.
NO LITERALLY. Been working and paying for all my expenses since 16 years old. They probably gave me $150 in total within that time and still hold it over my head. They’re actually so pathetic and honestly a waste of space on this earth. Idc how petty I sound but I can’t even bring myself to spiritually bypass and force myself to have unconditional love for terrible human beings.
Comment made me smile
My father asked me to pay back for my bottles when I was a baby. And when I got a job to finance my study, he got mad at me and was offended because he had lost financial control on me. He found other ways to blackmail me unfortunately. Furthermore I never saw him working, he used to get up at noon, spent time gambling and terrorizing everybody. My mother was the one bringing money. Unfortunately, she was psychologically desturbed by my father and was excessivelly possessive. It was hell and it took me 25 years of psychotherapy to start getting off the consequences
Narcissists especially narcissistic parents are experts at lying by omission ALOT
I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but my Irish Catholic mother truly believes she's the "matriarch" of our family and should be revered like she's Queen Elizabeth. Nevermind she was completely neglectful when we were kids and I barely saw her - and when I did she only expressed hatred towards and resentment for being a mother - she felt like a "maid" which is a joke. Everyone took care of her - because she's totally dependent on the labor of others - including emotional labor. She's sucked theife out of every single one of us. Jerry, please do a video about working through the guilt of secretly just wishing your mother would pass on. I know that's just not a good wish to have for anyone, so I'm not looking to rationalize or justify it. I just hope to find a perspective about such a toxic, destructive person who only seems to get more controlling and toxic with age.
It's perfect timing to hear this message. Receiving text messages about how you are supposed to respect your mother and honor them no matter how poorly she treats you. I'm expected to keep taking the emotional and verbal abuse. This behavior cements my decision to go no contact. Silence is my best defense.
One message I heard regularly from my mother was "I didn't raise you to be like that." This certainly seems like a type of guilt trip. She would generally say that when I behaved badly or selfishly (in her opinion). I also remember her saying "I could kill you" when I really did something wrong. That seems to be similar to the message of "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it."
Understood . They both tried to drive when it wasnt their journey
Jerry you are SO on point with all of this! Thank you! 🙏 My wedding in the 90’s was narc mothers wedding. And after she bragged about all the compliments she got about the food served etc. Yep it was all for show. For her. Any holiday that I wished to change up a bit was wrought with guilt & shame. I’m final no contact & coming into the blessings & peace & happiness that comes with it now & I’m so thankful. It’s still nice though hearing the examples that you give to continue the validation that I’m on the right path ✌️💜✨