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Those are some good questions. I have to constantly do a loop of self talk about what they say.. and rework. I like this “I am not then, they are not me”. Thank you. 🙏
Thank you for your comment. I'm in a similar (almost exactly the same) situation. I'm 54 and understand now the damage that was done. It's a challenge because I have a relatively decent/close relationship with my mom. Having all of this knowledge as an adult, it's so frustrating to hear/experience her saying things and having the same type of dysfunctional behavior still to this day!
I have said this before, and i will say it again. I am 59 years old and only in the last three months or so did I finally realized what damage my narcissistic mother caused me as a child and as an adult. She has always wanted me to be an ignorant little boy that she can easily manipulate and control. Even though she likes to say "I love you with all of my heart", the only love I have ever felt from her has been a superficial love based on her being happy, praised and in control. Sad to say my two older sisters had it worse. No love, no affection, no pride in accomplishments.
Out to destroy! My older brother oftened kept protecting mom's punches from dad, when his father in law died he smoothed right in to protect the widow from loneliness, good job which lasted 2 decades, 😝! Still they're married, but of course, her my old bf and playing victim role as usual!
You are not alone. I'm 50 and my mother was always "so protective," telling me "noone will ever love you as much as your parents/your mother does etc..." love bombing and raising me on a pedistool (ungenuine compliments), only to tell me that I'm too good for every man that I got close to marrying. All of it to keep me close and under her control...manipulation through every tactic. I thought it was love. Now I realize it was evil and selfish
It is shocking to wake up to this realization, isn't it? How could we have been so oblivious for so long to what we experienced. I believe there is subset of us who were subjected to what was a very subtle form of abuse. I has a lot to do about what is not provided to us than to blatant physical or sexual abuse. Because it is a lack of input it isn't obvious, but it is soooo much more damaging.
You are not alone. It's such a hard lesson to learn that not everyone who tells you they love you actually means it. I'm almost 48 and it's been a long road to realize this. "I have so much love to give" was always the line fed to me by my mother.
That sentence hurts so much. I'm sitting here as a 40 year old and still feel like a kid who doesn't know how life works. I keep thinking I should ask my parents before I do anything. How stupid
@Tenshi_ZA Don't call yourself stupid. That is their insidious programming. They are totally selfish people who were incapable of properly raising a child. Its not your fault. Use your knowledge to continue learning and healing. You CAN do it.
Yes, exactly! I love making recipe videos and I just can’t enter the kitchen because it is SO stressful. I feel my ambitions and dreams are rotting. I want a job and to move out
Dad thinks I deserve to be punished for no reason. Dad's wrong! I don't bother with him; he nitpicks at me, he's controlling. I gave up on his manipulations.
Both my parents were narcissists. Father grandiose, and mother covert. Overall, my mother held the most power. When I finally questioned and resisted her programming, she turned the entire extended family of 50+ people against me. I cut myself off from all of them and moved far away without letting anyone know where I went. It was worth it.
#metoo - except I'm still in the same city. Had to move away emotionally which I find challenging while being here geographically. However, Jerry has helped, among others. Best wishes 💖
Snakes 🐍 in a garden coiled together and hiss and bite the scapegoat who is not a snake but thinks it is supposed to be one. Then one day realizes it’s a goat and leaps away. Free.
@@stellamartin1145thank you it’s been so confusing for my whole life and only recently began to understand why I’m treated so badly and disrespected and they tell me it’s my fault
My mother always said "a mother's love is unconditional" but there were always conditions. Her love was transactional. She only gave it to me when I deserved a reward.
It took soooo long to stop rumination and I still catch myself doing it once in a while . It took a lot of therapy but it got less as my “self” got bigger. I started to differentiate between them and me and saw how far removed they are from who I am. They don’t know me, never did, and they are not people I like or care to know. I reject all that they represent and all that comes from them. Their “voices” have become foreign invaders instead of part of me and I am able to recognize and boot them now. Progress, I’m on my way!
That's awesome! That's what I'm working towards. Taking up all the space with my "Self" instead of my internal space being taken up completely with them. It's just so "Yuck", it's literally like being possessed.
@@annemurphy8074 💝I feel what you are saying. My goal would be to get their voices out of my head, hear my own loud and clear, and just respond kindly but with firm boundaries without being so affected. Not there yet, anger does have a firm grip on me unfortunately that they will do everything in their power to not allow me to separate. Will keep working on it. Love and courage to you💖
@@jmvwegnerpriest I was firmly ensconced in anger and rage for years! I've discovered that that loop of anger is like an emergency boundary, along with just being in fight mode. This healing work is a long, painful and slow, ongoing process, not an outcome. Love and courage to you too. We've got this!❤
I've broken free from the enmeshed family I had as they have not really known me for over 35 years. I personally have little in common with them and once I stopped being manipulated by their (moms) guilt, it changed my life. I personally have no issue ever seeing them again as I feel so free not being manipulated by them.
How can they not? They robbed me of everything. 30 years of never having a life of my own. Every friendship, destroyed. Every relationship, destroyed. Every job, destroyed. Every chance of having a life of my own, destroyed. They've done nothing but manipulate and control me, preventing me from ever having a life of my own. I hate them, I really do, I really seriously hate them.
I completely understand where you are coming from. Please don’t be afraid to get help. Don’t turn your anger on yourself, because that has been my experience. ❤
@@DivoGosame 😢 I ended up gaining so much weight when I woke up to how extreme their abuse was and tried to get out of it. I wake up angry every day. So much lost youth + opportunity. They’ve never had my best interests in mind.
@@christymartin6281 💝I am experiencing something similar. My parents moved across the world to follow us to Canada, and our then 6 now 8 year old boy didn't take to them at all. I am left with a mixture of feelings, relief that our kid was raised well enough that he recognizes my parents as emotionally unhealthy, and sadness as well of course. The dream was that they would have changed by now and somehow be different for their grandkids, but they haven't changed at all. They have no insight and don't think any is needed. 💘Acceptance is something I have to work on, and learning to kindly stick to my own boundaries.
And it's insane that so many joke about it lightly. Meanwhile so many of our peers are coping and neurotic. My cousins are healthy and successful and happy because their parents did not raise them like typical abusive asian households. Meanwhile in our family unit I am technically the most successful being military, college graduated, and working most of my years. However my brother who is just taller than me and has just started working at age 31, dropped out of college on their dime, is the loved Golden Child. These low IQ asian parents have zero idea how to succeed, that's why they work basic jobs and menial labor. They never adapt, they can't handle emergencies, but they think they know how to dictate your life so you can become a doctor or engineer.
Maybe this is immigrant families who n general. I am second generation eastern European and the narcissistic enmeshment is crazy. Almost all the kids from my generation moved far, far away. I hope things can be different for my kids. Trying hard to break the cycle.
I had no place to live so I went to my father who was estranged and he was feeling sorry for himself that his tools got wet and one of his six houses during the hurricane
I decided not to attend family holiday gatherings last year. I did other things more important to me. I couldn't decide if I should feel guilty or not, but I'm just going to keep doing my own thing and not feel like I'm doing something wrong. After years of my stepmom trying to guilt trip me, I finally did it my way, and I had great holidays! Thx Dr. Wise ❤
Congratulations on putting yourself first. It changes your life. They may scream, guilt trip, etc but don't look back. 25 years ago I moved away and finally stopped sacrificing my days off and holidays to a family I cannot stand. It's like a whole new life opens up. I found there were colleagues and friends who felt the same way, and we had some wonderful gatherings of our own. Zero stress, pure joy. Most holidays I just enjoyed th peace and quiet and beauty of it all on my own. So high five, my friend! You made an excellent choice.
They will not change, so arguing or even defending your position is pointless. The most hurtful thing to me is how they turned other family members against me. It's surprising how easily some people (cousins, aunts, uncles) are brain-washed. Family members that I used to be very fond of will no longer talk to me. Going "no contact" with parents means you also forfeit your extended family.
I’m going through this same thing too- I’ll never understand how anyone could only hear one side of something & make their decision! I guess we should be grateful that we are nothing like these people!!
They don't practice self control. It's attack attack attack! Win at all costs about everything. It's so hard to think that someone that is suppose to love you could want and do so much evil on you. They'll smear your character then have the Gall to try to come back. You can't trust anything they say or do. They stir up, rinse and repeat. Know this. They have blow ups with everyone. People know they are weird and difficult. Your presence makes them look approved and a good person to have you, a good person with them. They use you to attract and steal new supply. Stay away! 😊
My golden child sister use to say what if momma die...I told her don't put that on me. I said we all got to die one day. She said this cause I been no contact for 3 year's.. She wants me to go back for they can finish me.. But I'm not going back.. I found peace and joy something.. I never had in my life until I walked away..
Ah she wants you go back because they want to go ish you .Very well put .These people are vampires .Truly they wanna suck your soul until you finish and they enjoy every minute of it .
One of my mantras to myself is this: "You alone manage your head space." I have learned that when we guard our brain, no one can manipulate us. My head space is well guarded and no one (I mean NO ONE) is allowed to get in there to try to manipulate me.
Sometimes parents fail to realize that their children grew up and had to contend with a very different world from the ones they grew up in, and the rules and survival strategies from the era they grew up in simply don't work in the era the children grew up in.
What timing? I was just asking myself today, after a couple of encounters with rude, cold service workers what it could be about me they see that would cause such a reaction. It dawned on me that it’s my demeanor, my body language, tone of voice and expectations from how I was raised. I’ve learned to display the demeanor, body language, & tone of voice of my abusers, those facial expressions that were all I saw growing up. I mask my mom’s blaming scowl, my siblings’ mockery, my dad’s impatience & smirk when dealing with others and those are all hideous masks to wear, just hideous! No wonder people react as they do, but it’s all I know.
Getting their conditioning out of my head is hard, but I keep practicing. It helps to know that its okay to not feel guilty for separating from the enmeshment. (Btw, Jerry, that shirt is awesome! I love your colorful shirts, its like your Self shining through the screen.)
These videos are so helpful because my first baby is due this month, and my daughter deserves a better mom than I have, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes. My childhood was so painful its hard not to still be bitter because my mom denies she was anything but perfect, and all her abuse was my fault. She used love as a weapon and withdrew it to maintain power.
I decided I would never leave my child alone with my narc parent and limit exposure to any narc behaviors. They are not in contact so I don’t have to deal with triangulation. As my child got older, I gave a few simple examples from my childhood of why we’re not in contact with grandparent. No regrets. As far as estrangement “shame”, while it’s awkward to go NC to protect yourself, you’ll have absolutely no guilt about protecting your child from that poison to break the cycle.
This is so difficult because my parents will often bring up how much I'll regret things when they are gone. That's a button they can always push to keep me in line. If I could wave a magic wand and get them out of my head, I'd be so free. I'd go down to the courthouse and change my name tomorrow. I could make plans for my weekends that didn't include them, or be free to not have any plans at all (rather than making something up to get out of family obligations). Fear of being left alone after they are gone, wishing I would have been more grateful, keeps me paralyzed.
My parents used to pull that with me too until one day I said “ You know, I may have regrets when you’re gone, but they will be mine to deal with and I can handle them.” Took the wind right out of their sail. Once they knew that line wasn’t working, they stopped using it. Once I realized the world wasn’t going to end when they became upset, I gained more freedom. It’s not easy but it can be done. Are you in counseling to help you work through this? I know it’s not always easy or even affordable to get good therapy but it really can make a difference to have an ally who gets it and can support you through it.
Pls see Lindsay C Gibson's outstanding book Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents I wish you so much peace and freedom from toxic guilt. See Genesis 2, we are supposed to leave our parents, to grow into adulthood, to not be under their thumbs The book Boundaries discusses this from a Christian perspective. Our Mothers, Ourselves is also a great book Peace to you ✨️
Mu 100 y/o Mum often pulls the “I’m dying” card out for more attention and guilt. When she does it now I just say, “Well I might die before you”. My sister did pass away three years ago and Mum knows this is something that can happen. She doesn’t play the dying card as much now as she knows I won’t react to it like she wants.
My mother a CV N threatens to not have my siblings notify me when she dies. She turned my siblings( that I took care of since I was 6.) against me telling lies to them about me. They believe her... I learned of her Personality disorder when I was 64. I turned 70 this week. I have been in counseling for 3.5 years. I had really forgot the many "evil" things she has done to me.
Question that. They say you'll regret it but would you? Role play that on some paper. What will you regret yourself when they're gone and what will you gain when they're gone not inherence wise but mental, emotional, finances, ect Then also ask yourself where did the thought come from you'll regret it when they pass? This could be ancestral programing they had they could be trying to program you with the same thing they got from their parents. You can even ask them what do they regret about their parents (your grandparents) being dead see if they actually have anything to say on the matter. Like I use to have OCD I thought that was mine for years but then I started to question it turns out its generationally inherited I was just carrying it once I healed that and let it go no more OCD it wasn't mine at all. Emotions do this too some times. You can pay for someone to do emotional release healing on you or you can do the basics yourself you can try The Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson and you can if you want replace the magnets with asking the angels to release it or you can use other energy healing if you have that within yourself to do either way it's the Q& A formula from that book. Releasing emotions really aids in healing all around and you may be able to heal that statement by also healing the root emotion it's attached to. You can also try to approach of where did I learn that? Every time you get a free loader in your head ask them where did I learn that and try to go back in your life find the root of that or if it's again inherited and not even yours.
When I started distancing myself from my mom I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking my mom had ended her life (a threat she made throughout my life), so I’d call and message like crazy begging her to reply and tell me she was Ok. She’d eventually reply, but with joy and excitement in her voice like it made her happy I couldn’t even sleep cause I was thinking about her. It hurt and felt unfair but it also felt natural, I was stuck being her caretaker. It really didn’t hit me until my therapist said “it seems like you’re obsessed with your mom”. At first, I was offended since it felt like she blamed me for the enmeshment with my mom. I understand now it’s not my fault, however now that I know this truth it’s my choice what I do with it.
- [00:10] 🧠 Narcissistic parents often establish themselves within their children's psyche. - [01:04] 🎾 Enmeshment in dysfunctional families results in overlapping emotional boundaries. - [02:14] 🗝 Preventing children from developing their own identity is a tactic used by narcissistic parents. - [03:02] 🚫 Expelling narcissistic parents from one's psyche is considered taboo and challenging. - [04:23] 😔 Feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and fear are common when attempting to expel narcissistic parents from one's mind. - [05:05] ✨ Imagining life without narcissistic parents in one's head can help envision personal growth and freedom. - [06:28] 💡 Developing one's real self can help replace the influence of narcissistic parents in one's mind. - [07:17] 🔇 Detaching from the inner dialogue and emotions imposed by narcissistic parents is crucial for emotional well-being.
My favorite: Parent " You're just a worthless son," Jerry " you're probably right where do you want to go for lunch McDonald's, Burger King?" Perfect example of letting go and not engaging in the fight and stepping in the trap. Though for me it's now more sibling grief and very much like. "You're a, selfish unfeeling sister, you treat me so horribly," Me: "You're probably right but you're not so great either. Where do you want to go for lunch McDonald's or Burger King?"
I really needed to hear this today. My parents have been sneaking into my thoughts constantly lately. Thank you for the confirmation that I'm not crazy and it's ok to push them our of my head.
This is the worst thing that people do. You keep going over and over about all the negative garbage in your head witch stops you from living a good non-attached life..
"Well, you're probably right. Now where do you want to eat?" That made me laugh so hard. To be able to so easily deflect and dismiss their incessant onslaughts like this would be truly awesome, indeed!
I would always laugh off their put downs like this, before I understood it would make them mad. I thought I was bringing joy to the family. Turns out it just made me the black sheep that was hated by 12 years old.
My toxic siblings weaponize their children against me by using them as a bargaining chip for my compliance. I had to write them off as collateral damage.
Realize that your family DID NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT ALL in the first place and that they are no different from anyone else sharing the same sentiment. I’m in dealing with this at the moment. My family showed me once and for all that they- for all the bluster and false promises- that they cared nothing more than themselves. Not only am I in the middle of NOT ruminating on what they caused, I want little (if anything) to do with them at present. If there was anyone deserving of the no-contact rule, it’s family who used you for their own purposes. They wasted your time, your life, and your state-of-mind, when they should have had your best interests at hand.
Well of course it’s hard to get out of your thoughts. It’s a *ucked up situation that’s not supposed to be like this. Your brain is like the little internet hourglass that’s continually turning trying to process it all but the database is empty. It’s not normal for families to be like this! 😭 Thank you Jerry for what you do and for your many words of wisdom that make a situation that doesn’t make sense, somewhat make sense. 🥺
The thing that still really hurts is that they destroyed all of my relationships with all but two of my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. To some extent, they did this even with siblings.
I finally started to get peace when i went no contact almost 14 years ago. It wasn't a parent, thankfully, it was an aunt I grew up with and fortunately never bonded with because i knew even at age 6 there was something off about her. Unfortunately, I'm still dealing with the healing all this time later and the anger and sadness has yet to be exhausted.
JERRY! coming in clutch! I swear I have been doing so much digging into this VERY topic this week. You really know your community. Thank you for all you do!!!! You. Are. Amazing!
Actually, I don't think I ruminate as much anymore. I still do think about things though, because I am always trying to undo the damage and be the best person I can be.
The last min is super important. I keep getting into their emotional mess and try and soothe them and take blame for how they feel. This is something I really have to practice without feeling super guilty myself
The full quote is "blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb", which means that found families (made of people you actually like and respect) hold stronger bonds than people together simply because they're related.
I’ve hated being controlled and undermined by my narcissistic family all my life. What a revelation to realize the rumination on their opinions, smear campaigns, prior conversations, etc. is allowing them to control me in my head! I never thought of it this way. An odd form of mind control. Would this be considered a type of gaslighting the self by means of the narcissistic family super self?
They do perceive internal boundaries as a threat. My former scapegoat dad passed away. His narc mom tried to force me into the scapegoat role. The entire time I kept trying to show her love and compassion in response to her attempts to start fights. I didn’t understand what’s going on, so I just kept thinking “maybe she’s grieving…” Naturally, within 3 months I got accused of wanting to steal from her , and I lost 2 uncles because she was so mad she kept telling people I was constantly trying to agitate her. I hugged her one time, because she was literally crying. She said I was making fun of her. I had to flee the city because they broke into my house.
Wish i had had this advice when i was younger. I had a narsasistic mother and i understand what you mean about them living in your head. I only started to realise how manipulative she was later on in my life. The thoughts of how she treated me still haunt me. I keep thinking i should have said this, i should have said that. It's too late now she died 18 years ago when i was in 60s. It's still good to realise where i went wrong in being complient, i just wish i could go back and be myself instead of someone she wanted me to be. Thank you for your words. I appreciate your common sense way of putting things.
I needed this advice. I ruminate about my family all the time. It's exhausting. It's a huge loss for me because I went NC with them about two years ago. I don't want to think about them. I'm positive they don't think about me.
The damage lasts a lifetime . Some days better than others. GOLDEN CHILDING is a rejection of scapegoat child . How can there not be lasting damage. I am seventy, I know .
I’ve been needing this video for a while. I’ve been no contact with my mom (who use to hate that I would ruminate. Gee, I wonder why? 🙄) and some other members of my family for awhile now. Yet somehow they are still living rent free in my head. I go back and forth with forgiving my mom. Whatever forgiveness means. But I don’t want to suffer because of her anymore. But I don’t know how to make all these ruminations stop. It feels as though she has been a servant of the devil. And I literally feel so lucky to have even made it this far with my life and my soul. I am not enjoying life, but I’m glad I still have one, if that makes sense. I mean, I enjoy it on some days. But most of the time, I regret not having the same opportunities that I had when I was younger or maybe I never had. My mom stole so much energy and smarts and vitality and even opportunities from me that I don’t know if I ever had a chance. But I definitely feel like it’s too late now. How do you forgive someone who stole everything from you and refuses to help you in any way? At this point I don’t even know what forgiveness is. But what I do now, is that I want to stop ruminating on it. I can never have my youth back. But at least I can change and improve my life starting now.
I’m 43 years old and I’m only now getting them out of my head. It took me years to realize that my inner dialogue was my parents voice not mine. I’m grateful that I realized it and am working on it now
I have an acronym which is ZHS which means Zero Head Space. This is a reminder that no one gets into my brain except me and me alone. When I guard my mind and not let ANYONE (including parents) control my thoughts, I feel so much better.
I had no contact for the most part, and broke no contact to my demise. They don't change. They still put you down and still put you in the same place they trained you to be. This time I blocked my mother. I do not think I will ever speak to her in this lifetime. I cannot take the reminder of how unworthy I am anymore. She keeps me under her at all times. I am not taking the guilt of breaking free from my parents any longer.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. I no longer let mom live in my head, I’m a new person today. Only took me 40 years to accomplish. Better late than never I guess.
This video came just in time. I've been struggling with this so much more than usual since both of my parents passed away and I've been forced into dealing with my siblings of origin, one of whom is a narcissist. A lot of old crud came back to the surface that I guess I need to deal with. I hadn't thought of my siblings in decades. It was really nice. I want that freedom back. Thank you for the helpful strategies.
That's one thing that made me realize mom was a lost cause. The end where you show empathy towards feelings without going in there with her: I tried that several times and each time resulted in a blow-up/physical altercation. Like you won't even LET me love you 😂😂🤣🤣 if my kindness makes you HOSTILE, I probably need to dip. Been out of her hair for 5 years now, finally getting her out of mine! These vids plus my face-to-face therapy has worked WONDERS💯
Someone suggested to me that my mother's "radio station" was turned up too loud. Gave me something to think about, and this video really helps me turn the volume down. 😊
My rumination was always because I was trying to find a way to solve situations, but I only had limited scope of life and knowledge of the world. Knowing it's not my fault, and knowing that this was the result of being abused has allowed me to heal. Realizing that i could have done this or that, but I was forced not to, instead of it being my fault, is refreshing. Things I have ruminated on for 25-30 years at almost 35 years old now, that are now being healed on, is very nice and feels good to be "Free" and have that "Burden lifted."
My N person is getting dementia and its great because they can't remember a train of thought. It keeps them from keeping score. I realized recently I was obsessing on them after another family member passed away. I know I need to go play with my cats, work in the garden or go shopping.
Boundaries - physical and emotional and time - give you the space to truly love and appreciate yourself and keeping on healing 😊 I’m 60 now and tell my Narcissist mother little about me or my life. It’s none of her business and she never cared to understand or appreciate me anyway. No contract is best. But she’s 85 now - though of course could go on for years more. However I keep away as much as possible. She lives 100 miles away so I only see her once every 6-8 weeks. I try not to speak to her on the phone more than once a week now and keep it simple and only about her. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. As a narcissist I see there is not much going on for her now she is elderly and has limited fuel. It’s clearer than ever how she’s not a “giver” - you see the dry husk / reptilian core that is her true self more and more clearly. It’s great to keep away from that. To be living my life for me 😊.
I learned that while I was still living in the immediate area that I had to create a mental cabinet in order to stay healthy. The cabinet has three drawers, with each having a name: 1st drawer: I can't do anything about that. 2nd drawer: Ultimately, that has nothing to do with me. 3rd drawer: Carry not what is not yours to carry.
I do at times that keeps me no contact, but rent free that's funny and we all know that's actually very expensive these days, tell the free loaders to shove off! ❤😊
I'd say it's less that I'm thinking about them and more that they're impeding on my life by reminding me about them constantly. They wouldn't live rent free if they'd take their own advice and let me go.
Love this video, thank you Jerry! I love your examples where they spill their BS on you and you respond with “you may be right.. (or, sorry you feel that way/ and/or I don’t see it this way)” then go straight to “hey, what’s for lunch?” 🔥 !! 😆 That’s the only way to deal with these unhealthy people and keep your own sanity.
One of the most hardest, challenging and craziest thing here is might be quite alone with seeing through the narcissist bevaviour and their pattens and than other people have no clue whats going on when they meet this person or get to know him/her. And you have to somehow open up about it and find a way to carefully expose the drama-comic theatre play. Very challenging.
Thank you. In the last few weeks I have come to terms that I have ALWAYS felt the pain they’ve inflicted but I was lost in the confusion. I am now 29 having lived with the abusive narcissistic parents I should have been removed from the home at 16 when they became violent. No one cared and I was honest with police officers and teachers and no one cared. Now I’ve gone no contact and I have to be sure to train myself to keep them from my mind but 29 years is a long time and I’ve experienced covert incest from my father as well, this has ruined my life and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to begin my own family or overcome my fear of deeper intimacy but I will try to educate myself about these topics.
Have you read Ingrid Clayton’s book Believing Me? She’s a trauma therapist writing about her own trauma, which resembles yours (on the surface, at least, obviously I don’t know you). I found it grounding and reassuring.
That's true- my mother died of cancer at 75 yrs old & only changed for the worst. When she died she hadn't spoken to me for 2 yrs & would behave like a spoiled toddler. ✌✌
Thank you for the validation. Number 3 reminded me of when I realized the best way to survive my mother was a veneer of nonchalance. I started getting in more trouble for not responding to the bait then whatever she was trying to guilt me about or angry at me for.
While both of my parents were that way, my now deceased father definitely didn't want us to develop our own selves. I recall him criticizing my being the Navy regarding our attire. Keep in mind that I am the only son of his 5 that became productive years later.
My narcissistic mom is not in my head, it's my flying monkey sisters that try to gulit and shame me. It's really sad how much damage is done. I consider my birth family dysfunctional because of my mom.
Thank you for your work. It's nice to have my thoughts validated. I've been fighting a dysfunctional mother for forty years. She's out of my head now, thanks to your work. I'm still trying to get the whole experience out of my head. I keep slipping back into bad memories.
Thank you for the video. I found Jesus & a therapist 2 yrs ago largely due to narc family. Came a long way and set boundaries, but I find I still need practice developing healthy boundaries. It’s sad (especially for good people going through this) that we always hope they’re gonna change. The Narcs acts really nice for a day (lovebomb) then go back to normal. The hardest thing has been accepting that they’ll never change. Families should love, not tear each other apart. Peace and Blessings to you and to everyone dealing with this🙏
Jerry, this is EXACTLY what I needed to see today. Seriously was speaking to my husband about how much you and other therapist on YT have helped and he is always on me FORGET THEM. It's early days for me going NC so it's a process but this is helping me get there so much faster. Understanding the pathology has been the key to my recovery path. 🙏 ❤
My mother wrote a book and put VERY private personal things in it which I did not give her permission to do. Also she said that she “was obedient to God” in doing this. I moved across the country and the. She slandered me for there and turned friends of ours against me!!!!!! this has been the hardest year of my life by far
That's a powerful mantra. If you're interested in further insights and support, consider joining my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Im glad you found it helpful. I too always learn new things when i revisit something that was helpful in the past. Based on out emotional location we may pick up new and different information! If you haven’t already, I would love to have you join my free training. Have you joined yet? If not, you can join here :) jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027
I've been told by a very good priest to pray the chaplet of divine mercy every day, asking jesus to take away the thorn from your heart the first day, to take away the pain from the wound the second day and to heal the wound the third. In this way Jesus will help us to heal our wounds and to stop thinking about it. He said to start doing it for small things, and then move to the more traumatic ones.
I love this so much. I’ve been wanting to become catholic and have been praying the rosary for the last 2 months now and just learned the divine mercy chaplet. I wouldn’t be here without the hope of Jesus. This world is such a dark place to be in and those prayers truly bring life. Blessings and peace to you
The divine mercy chaplet is wonderful for healing. I have also gotten a lot out of praying the surrender novena and the Our Lady Undoer of Knots novena. And frequent use of the sacrament of reconciliation as well as frequent attendance of Mass to receive the Eucharist. The graces of the sacraments and the prayers of the church have been the single greatest source of healing I have ever encountered
excellent video. I think we do have a self though. but our self has to be what they told us we were. any sense of value or worth must be eliminated or hidden in the shadows. getting to the point where we are able to listen to thoughts and refuse belittling, destructive thoughts and others' words is imperative to becoming a better person. accepting praise from others and giving our selves awards and praise is vital to growth. these people hate us and truly want us to fail. they do not ever change. we see them not as they are, but as we wish they were. we must destroy that illusion.
Jerry thank you! Just the topic I needed. I've spent 2 years planning my escape from my verbally abusive family. I've been out for 6 months and can't get them out of my head!
After someone dies that they hated their whole life they talk good about him and I sit there stumped when you see them getting older at the same time you wonder if you should let them forgive themselves or they're losing their minds I know I am listening to it
Through my self-help research, I have concluded that it is highly likely that I have developed a *"parental* *introject"* that is *lodged* *into* *my* *super-ego.* Although I understand the theory, I do not know the technique(s) for *identifying* *and* *clearing* *my* *introject(s)* *so* *that* *I* *can* *heal.*
JESUS LOVES YOU, and HE said You are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made! Same GOD who created the HEAVENS, Sea, Sun, Moon, Whales, Lions, Flowers, Butterflies Trees! Genesis1,2,3
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Those are some good questions. I have to constantly do a loop of self talk about what they say.. and rework.
I like this “I am not then, they are not me”.
Thank you. 🙏
Thank you for your comment. I'm in a similar (almost exactly the same) situation. I'm 54 and understand now the damage that was done. It's a challenge because I have a relatively decent/close relationship with my mom. Having all of this knowledge as an adult, it's so frustrating to hear/experience her saying things and having the same type of dysfunctional behavior still to this day!
I have said this before, and i will say it again. I am 59 years old and only in the last three months or so did I finally realized what damage my narcissistic mother caused me as a child and as an adult. She has always wanted me to be an ignorant little boy that she can easily manipulate and control. Even though she likes to say "I love you with all of my heart", the only love I have ever felt from her has been a superficial love based on her being happy, praised and in control. Sad to say my two older sisters had it worse. No love, no affection, no pride in accomplishments.
Out to destroy! My older brother oftened kept protecting mom's punches from dad, when his father in law died he smoothed right in to protect the widow from loneliness, good job which lasted 2 decades, 😝! Still they're married, but of course, her my old bf and playing victim role as usual!
I’m sorry…..my husband experienced same….he did EMDR, neurofeedback, hypnosis and cbt therapy….helped him heal much….you deserve happiness 🤍💯
You are not alone. I'm 50 and my mother was always "so protective," telling me "noone will ever love you as much as your parents/your mother does etc..." love bombing and raising me on a pedistool (ungenuine compliments), only to tell me that I'm too good for every man that I got close to marrying. All of it to keep me close and under her control...manipulation through every tactic. I thought it was love. Now I realize it was evil and selfish
It is shocking to wake up to this realization, isn't it? How could we have been so oblivious for so long to what we experienced. I believe there is subset of us who were subjected to what was a very subtle form of abuse. I has a lot to do about what is not provided to us than to blatant physical or sexual abuse. Because it is a lack of input it isn't obvious, but it is soooo much more damaging.
You are not alone. It's such a hard lesson to learn that not everyone who tells you they love you actually means it. I'm almost 48 and it's been a long road to realize this. "I have so much love to give" was always the line fed to me by my mother.
"She never was and never will be the mother that you needed."
Same for my narc dad. I deserve better than him!
When I was sick it was nice
When you live with Narc parents, you learn to survive.. not thrive.
That sentence hurts so much. I'm sitting here as a 40 year old and still feel like a kid who doesn't know how life works. I keep thinking I should ask my parents before I do anything. How stupid
@Tenshi_ZA Don't call yourself stupid. That is their insidious programming. They are totally selfish people who were incapable of properly raising a child. Its not your fault. Use your knowledge to continue learning and healing. You CAN do it.
Yes, exactly! I love making recipe videos and I just can’t enter the kitchen because it is SO stressful. I feel my ambitions and dreams are rotting. I want a job and to move out
+1. And she has the nerve to say to me y aren't I'm doing as well as my cousins.
Dad thinks I deserve to be punished for no reason. Dad's wrong! I don't bother with him; he nitpicks at me, he's controlling. I gave up on his manipulations.
Both my parents were narcissists. Father grandiose, and mother covert. Overall, my mother held the most power. When I finally questioned and resisted her programming, she turned the entire extended family of 50+ people against me. I cut myself off from all of them and moved far away without letting anyone know where I went. It was worth it.
I'm so sorry Josiah, and I relate to you. You're very strong.
#metoo - except I'm still in the same city. Had to move away emotionally which I find challenging while being here geographically. However, Jerry has helped, among others. Best wishes 💖
That took some tremendous strength on your part. Well done.
Proud of you!!!
Same for me. But I struggle with an enormous loneliness I cannot get out. Do not know how. Take care.
"I am not them, they are not me"
This really highlights how narcissistic family is like a cult
Most cult leaders who get caught are eventually diagnosis as narsasists or psychopaths so that makes a lot of sense
Snakes 🐍 in a garden coiled together and hiss and bite the scapegoat who is not a snake but thinks it is supposed to be one. Then one day realizes it’s a goat and leaps away. Free.
@@Flyfreenow lol I like that
@@Flyfreenow best analogy to this…
@@stellamartin1145thank you it’s been so confusing for my whole life and only recently began to understand why I’m treated so badly and disrespected and they tell me it’s my fault
My mother always said "a mother's love is unconditional" but there were always conditions. Her love was transactional. She only gave it to me when I deserved a reward.
Love based on conformity and ignorance
The horrible memories won’t go away though. They play like a movie in my head all the time.
It took soooo long to stop rumination and I still catch myself doing it once in a while . It took a lot of therapy but it got less as my “self” got bigger. I started to differentiate between them and me and saw how far removed they are from who I am. They don’t know me, never did, and they are not people I like or care to know. I reject all that they represent and all that comes from them. Their “voices” have become foreign invaders instead of part of me and I am able to recognize and boot them now. Progress, I’m on my way!
That's awesome! That's what I'm working towards. Taking up all the space with my "Self" instead of my internal space being taken up completely with them. It's just so "Yuck", it's literally like being possessed.
@@annemurphy8074 💝I feel what you are saying. My goal would be to get their voices out of my head, hear my own loud and clear, and just respond kindly but with firm boundaries without being so affected. Not there yet, anger does have a firm grip on me unfortunately that they will do everything in their power to not allow me to separate. Will keep working on it. Love and courage to you💖
@@jmvwegnerpriest I was firmly ensconced in anger and rage for years! I've discovered that that loop of anger is like an emergency boundary, along with just being in fight mode. This healing work is a long, painful and slow, ongoing process, not an outcome. Love and courage to you too. We've got this!❤
Well said! 👏🏼
I've broken free from the enmeshed family I had as they have not really known me for over 35 years. I personally have little in common with them and once I stopped being manipulated by their (moms) guilt, it changed my life. I personally have no issue ever seeing them again as I feel so free not being manipulated by them.
How can they not? They robbed me of everything. 30 years of never having a life of my own. Every friendship, destroyed. Every relationship, destroyed. Every job, destroyed. Every chance of having a life of my own, destroyed. They've done nothing but manipulate and control me, preventing me from ever having a life of my own. I hate them, I really do, I really seriously hate them.
I completely understand where you are coming from. Please don’t be afraid to get help. Don’t turn your anger on yourself, because that has been my experience. ❤
@@DivoGosame 😢 I ended up gaining so much weight when I woke up to how extreme their abuse was and tried to get out of it. I wake up angry every day. So much lost youth + opportunity. They’ve never had my best interests in mind.
❤
My experience was similar, but when my son gets angry with his grandpa, I tell him don't hate- because then you get infected by their hate...
@@christymartin6281 💝I am experiencing something similar. My parents moved across the world to follow us to Canada, and our then 6 now 8 year old boy didn't take to them at all. I am left with a mixture of feelings, relief that our kid was raised well enough that he recognizes my parents as emotionally unhealthy, and sadness as well of course. The dream was that they would have changed by now and somehow be different for their grandkids, but they haven't changed at all. They have no insight and don't think any is needed. 💘Acceptance is something I have to work on, and learning to kindly stick to my own boundaries.
I wish I watched this video like 25 years ago. I wouldn't have lost so much time trying to make my parents happy without success
❤
this is magnified tenfold in Asian families like mine. my culture not only endorses it, it runs and feeds on it.
Interesting
English boomers do this to their kids too
And it's insane that so many joke about it lightly. Meanwhile so many of our peers are coping and neurotic. My cousins are healthy and successful and happy because their parents did not raise them like typical abusive asian households. Meanwhile in our family unit I am technically the most successful being military, college graduated, and working most of my years. However my brother who is just taller than me and has just started working at age 31, dropped out of college on their dime, is the loved Golden Child. These low IQ asian parents have zero idea how to succeed, that's why they work basic jobs and menial labor. They never adapt, they can't handle emergencies, but they think they know how to dictate your life so you can become a doctor or engineer.
Maybe this is immigrant families who n general. I am second generation eastern European and the narcissistic enmeshment is crazy. Almost all the kids from my generation moved far, far away. I hope things can be different for my kids. Trying hard to break the cycle.
They are true demons and vampires .
Yes and say
Mind reading is real and they suck your soul
I had no place to live so I went to my father who was estranged and he was feeling sorry for himself that his tools got wet and one of his six houses during the hurricane
I decided not to attend family holiday gatherings last year. I did other things more important to me. I couldn't decide if I should feel guilty or not, but I'm just going to keep doing my own thing and not feel like I'm doing something wrong. After years of my stepmom trying to guilt trip me, I finally did it my way, and I had great holidays! Thx Dr. Wise ❤
Congratulations on putting yourself first. It changes your life. They may scream, guilt trip, etc but don't look back.
25 years ago I moved away and finally stopped sacrificing my days off and holidays to a family I cannot stand. It's like a whole new life opens up. I found there were colleagues and friends who felt the same way, and we had some wonderful gatherings of our own. Zero stress, pure joy. Most holidays I just enjoyed th peace and quiet and beauty of it all on my own. So high five, my friend! You made an excellent choice.
Good for you, I have been doing my own thing for years and it is wonderful to not have to go be around them and be a punching bag.
@@moscowcowboy_13 very true!
Good for you💖!
We did the same over the last 5 years. Good for you!
They will not change, so arguing or even defending your position is pointless. The most hurtful thing to me is how they turned other family members against me. It's surprising how easily some people (cousins, aunts, uncles) are brain-washed. Family members that I used to be very fond of will no longer talk to me. Going "no contact" with parents means you also forfeit your extended family.
I’m going through this same thing too- I’ll never understand how anyone could only hear one side of something & make their decision! I guess we should be grateful that we are nothing like these people!!
Yeah, finding out who people really are is earth shattering in the extreme 💜✌️
Soooo sad ❤❤❤
At 55 I went through the same thing! Narcissistic mother & sister turned cousins and aunts against me.
I grasp your hand, everyone who's going through this. My growing up was so lonely, and undeservedly mean, and knowingly unwanted.
Thank you. They need to be evicted from my head. 😢
They call, you're on automatic messaging, call 1 800 we don't give a fuck, oops line's engaged!
My sister "reached out" yesterday just to attack me..I so wish to never hear from them again 🙏🙏🙏 it's their turn to F around and find out 😅
They don't practice self control. It's attack attack attack! Win at all costs about everything. It's so hard to think that someone that is suppose to love you could want and do so much evil on you. They'll smear your character then have the Gall to try to come back. You can't trust anything they say or do. They stir up, rinse and repeat. Know this. They have blow ups with everyone. People know they are weird and difficult. Your presence makes them look approved and a good person to have you, a good person with them. They use you to attract and steal new supply. Stay away! 😊
My golden child sister use to say what if momma die...I told her don't put that on me. I said we all got to die one day. She said this cause I been no contact for 3 year's.. She wants me to go back for they can finish me.. But I'm not going back.. I found peace and joy something.. I never had in my life until I walked away..
I have a similar situation, they can’t take “no” for an answer. Stay strong!
Good for you for getting away from them. ❤
Good for you ❤
You're doing amazing
Ah she wants you go back because they want to go ish you .Very well put .These people are vampires .Truly they wanna suck your soul until you finish and they enjoy every minute of it .
Please make a twenty minutes episode about financial abuse in a narcissistic home.
I second this!
Yes please!!!
YESS!!!
Same here !
Yes! Being kept a hostage is miserable
One of my mantras to myself is this: "You alone manage your head space." I have learned that when we guard our brain, no one can manipulate us. My head space is well guarded and no one (I mean NO ONE) is allowed to get in there to try to manipulate me.
Teach me
Happy Easter. Poor dear Jesus, my brother and saviour 🙏
Sometimes parents fail to realize that their children grew up and had to contend with a very different world from the ones they grew up in, and the rules and survival strategies from the era they grew up in simply don't work in the era the children grew up in.
What timing? I was just asking myself today, after a couple of encounters with rude, cold service workers what it could be about me they see that would cause such a reaction. It dawned on me that it’s my demeanor, my body language, tone of voice and expectations from how I was raised. I’ve learned to display the demeanor, body language, & tone of voice of my abusers, those facial expressions that were all I saw growing up. I mask my mom’s blaming scowl, my siblings’ mockery, my dad’s impatience & smirk when dealing with others and those are all hideous masks to wear, just hideous! No wonder people react as they do, but it’s all I know.
Or it could be that some service workers are rude for no reason at all.
Getting their conditioning out of my head is hard, but I keep practicing. It helps to know that its okay to not feel guilty for separating from the enmeshment.
(Btw, Jerry, that shirt is awesome! I love your colorful shirts, its like your Self shining through the screen.)
These videos are so helpful because my first baby is due this month, and my daughter deserves a better mom than I have, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes. My childhood was so painful its hard not to still be bitter because my mom denies she was anything but perfect, and all her abuse was my fault. She used love as a weapon and withdrew it to maintain power.
I had to do that too! It is absolutely possible - I’ll never understand how a mother wouldn’t want her children to be happy & secure!
I decided I would never leave my child alone with my narc parent and limit exposure to any narc behaviors. They are not in contact so I don’t have to deal with triangulation. As my child got older, I gave a few simple examples from my childhood of why we’re not in contact with grandparent. No regrets. As far as estrangement “shame”, while it’s awkward to go NC to protect yourself, you’ll have absolutely no guilt about protecting your child from that poison to break the cycle.
This is so difficult because my parents will often bring up how much I'll regret things when they are gone. That's a button they can always push to keep me in line. If I could wave a magic wand and get them out of my head, I'd be so free. I'd go down to the courthouse and change my name tomorrow. I could make plans for my weekends that didn't include them, or be free to not have any plans at all (rather than making something up to get out of family obligations). Fear of being left alone after they are gone, wishing I would have been more grateful, keeps me paralyzed.
My parents used to pull that with me too until one day I said “ You know, I may have regrets when you’re gone, but they will be mine to deal with and I can handle them.” Took the wind right out of their sail. Once they knew that line wasn’t working, they stopped using it. Once I realized the world wasn’t going to end when they became upset, I gained more freedom. It’s not easy but it can be done. Are you in counseling to help you work through this? I know it’s not always easy or even affordable to get good therapy but it really can make a difference to have an ally who gets it and can support you through it.
Pls see Lindsay C Gibson's outstanding book
Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents
I wish you so much peace and freedom from toxic guilt. See Genesis 2, we are supposed to leave our parents, to grow into adulthood, to not be under their thumbs
The book Boundaries discusses this from a Christian perspective.
Our Mothers, Ourselves is also a great book
Peace to you ✨️
Mu 100 y/o Mum often pulls the “I’m dying” card out for more attention and guilt. When she does it now I just say, “Well I might die before you”. My sister did pass away three years ago and Mum knows this is something that can happen. She doesn’t play the dying card as much now as she knows I won’t react to it like she wants.
My mother a CV N threatens to not have my siblings notify me when she dies.
She turned my siblings( that I took care of since I was 6.) against me telling lies to them about me. They believe her...
I learned of her Personality disorder when I was 64.
I turned 70 this week. I have been in counseling for 3.5 years. I had really forgot the many "evil" things she has done to me.
Question that. They say you'll regret it but would you? Role play that on some paper. What will you regret yourself when they're gone and what will you gain when they're gone not inherence wise but mental, emotional, finances, ect Then also ask yourself where did the thought come from you'll regret it when they pass? This could be ancestral programing they had they could be trying to program you with the same thing they got from their parents. You can even ask them what do they regret about their parents (your grandparents) being dead see if they actually have anything to say on the matter.
Like I use to have OCD I thought that was mine for years but then I started to question it turns out its generationally inherited I was just carrying it once I healed that and let it go no more OCD it wasn't mine at all. Emotions do this too some times. You can pay for someone to do emotional release healing on you or you can do the basics yourself you can try The Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson and you can if you want replace the magnets with asking the angels to release it or you can use other energy healing if you have that within yourself to do either way it's the Q& A formula from that book. Releasing emotions really aids in healing all around and you may be able to heal that statement by also healing the root emotion it's attached to.
You can also try to approach of where did I learn that? Every time you get a free loader in your head ask them where did I learn that and try to go back in your life find the root of that or if it's again inherited and not even yours.
When I started distancing myself from my mom I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking my mom had ended her life (a threat she made throughout my life), so I’d call and message like crazy begging her to reply and tell me she was Ok. She’d eventually reply, but with joy and excitement in her voice like it made her happy I couldn’t even sleep cause I was thinking about her. It hurt and felt unfair but it also felt natural, I was stuck being her caretaker. It really didn’t hit me until my therapist said “it seems like you’re obsessed with your mom”. At first, I was offended since it felt like she blamed me for the enmeshment with my mom. I understand now it’s not my fault, however now that I know this truth it’s my choice what I do with it.
Thank you for sharing this, I used to wake in the night in a panic, and I've never heard anyone else describe a similar feeling before
- [00:10] 🧠 Narcissistic parents often establish themselves within their children's psyche.
- [01:04] 🎾 Enmeshment in dysfunctional families results in overlapping emotional boundaries.
- [02:14] 🗝 Preventing children from developing their own identity is a tactic used by narcissistic parents.
- [03:02] 🚫 Expelling narcissistic parents from one's psyche is considered taboo and challenging.
- [04:23] 😔 Feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and fear are common when attempting to expel narcissistic parents from one's mind.
- [05:05] ✨ Imagining life without narcissistic parents in one's head can help envision personal growth and freedom.
- [06:28] 💡 Developing one's real self can help replace the influence of narcissistic parents in one's mind.
- [07:17] 🔇 Detaching from the inner dialogue and emotions imposed by narcissistic parents is crucial for emotional well-being.
My favorite: Parent " You're just a worthless son,"
Jerry " you're probably right where do you want to go for lunch McDonald's, Burger King?"
Perfect example of letting go and not engaging in the fight and stepping in the trap.
Though for me it's now more sibling grief and very much like.
"You're a, selfish unfeeling sister, you treat me so horribly,"
Me: "You're probably right but you're not so great either. Where do you want to go for lunch McDonald's or Burger King?"
This has been one of hardest things to get out of my life. Constant bad .memories
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*u5qw9z*_ga*MTQ2NTQ2OTEwOC4xNzE1NzA4NjM4*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxNjUyNjQ3MS4xMy4wLjE3MTY1MjY0NzIuNTkuMC4w
I really needed to hear this today. My parents have been sneaking into my thoughts constantly lately. Thank you for the confirmation that I'm not crazy and it's ok to push them our of my head.
This is the worst thing that people do. You keep going over and over about all the negative garbage in your head witch stops you from living a good non-attached life..
"Well, you're probably right. Now where do you want to eat?" That made me laugh so hard. To be able to so easily deflect and dismiss their incessant onslaughts like this would be truly awesome, indeed!
I would always laugh off their put downs like this, before I understood it would make them mad. I thought I was bringing joy to the family. Turns out it just made me the black sheep that was hated by 12 years old.
This made me laugh as well. I wish it was this easy. But I guess it could be it you can stand your ground
YEP, They will literally have you arguing with them INSIDE YOUR HEAD when they aren’t around. Worried about what they will say until you conform, SMH.
My toxic siblings weaponize their children against me by using them as a bargaining chip for my compliance. I had to write them off as collateral damage.
Realize that your family DID NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT ALL in the first place and that they are no different from anyone else sharing the same sentiment.
I’m in dealing with this at the moment. My family showed me once and for all that they- for all the bluster and false promises- that they cared nothing more than themselves.
Not only am I in the middle of NOT ruminating on what they caused, I want little (if anything) to do with them at present.
If there was anyone deserving of the no-contact rule, it’s family who used you for their own purposes. They wasted your time, your life, and your state-of-mind, when they should have had your best interests at hand.
Undoing all the shame and guilt they passed on to me feels like rolling a big boulder uphill 😢
Well of course it’s hard to get out of your thoughts. It’s a *ucked up situation that’s not supposed to be like this. Your brain is like the little internet hourglass that’s continually turning trying to process it all but the database is empty. It’s not normal for families to be like this! 😭 Thank you Jerry for what you do and for your many words of wisdom that make a situation that doesn’t make sense, somewhat make sense. 🥺
The thing that still really hurts is that they destroyed all of my relationships with all but two of my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. To some extent, they did this even with siblings.
Fucking same dude, would tell lies and just blab to the family when I retaliate but not what they had said to me
I finally started to get peace when i went no contact almost 14 years ago. It wasn't a parent, thankfully, it was an aunt I grew up with and fortunately never bonded with because i knew even at age 6 there was something off about her. Unfortunately, I'm still dealing with the healing all this time later and the anger and sadness has yet to be exhausted.
JERRY! coming in clutch! I swear I have been doing so much digging into this VERY topic this week. You really know your community. Thank you for all you do!!!! You. Are. Amazing!
Thank you so much Amanda!
Actually, I don't think I ruminate as much anymore. I still do think about things though, because I am always trying to undo the damage and be the best person I can be.
Amazing video! I get to decide what is shameful, what makes me feel guilty and not THEM! It makes total sense! Thank you so much!
Wonderful!
Thank you
The last min is super important. I keep getting into their emotional mess and try and soothe them and take blame for how they feel. This is something I really have to practice without feeling super guilty myself
They say "blood is thicker than water". Oh yea? Well a grey rock is thicker than blood!
The full quote is "blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb", which means that found families (made of people you actually like and respect) hold stronger bonds than people together simply because they're related.
@@imzabatchThank you for this, I had no idea.
I’ve hated being controlled and undermined by my narcissistic family all my life.
What a revelation to realize the rumination on their opinions, smear campaigns, prior conversations, etc. is allowing them to control me in my head! I never thought of it this way.
An odd form of mind control.
Would this be considered a type of gaslighting the self by means of the narcissistic family super self?
They do perceive internal boundaries as a threat. My former scapegoat dad passed away. His narc mom tried to force me into the scapegoat role. The entire time I kept trying to show her love and compassion in response to her attempts to start fights. I didn’t understand what’s going on, so I just kept thinking “maybe she’s grieving…”
Naturally, within 3 months I got accused of wanting to steal from her , and I lost 2 uncles because she was so mad she kept telling people I was constantly trying to agitate her.
I hugged her one time, because she was literally crying.
She said I was making fun of her.
I had to flee the city because they broke into my house.
Wish i had had this advice when i was younger. I had a narsasistic mother and i understand what you mean about them living in your head.
I only started to realise how manipulative she was later on in my life. The thoughts of how she treated me still haunt me. I keep thinking i should have said this, i should have said that. It's too late now she died 18 years ago when i was in 60s. It's still good to realise where i went wrong in being complient, i just wish i could go back and be myself instead of someone she wanted me to be. Thank you for your words. I appreciate your common sense way of putting things.
I needed this advice. I ruminate about my family all the time. It's exhausting. It's a huge loss for me because I went NC with them about two years ago. I don't want to think about them. I'm positive they don't think about me.
The damage lasts a lifetime . Some days better than others. GOLDEN CHILDING is a rejection of scapegoat child . How can there not be lasting damage. I am seventy, I know .
I’ve been needing this video for a while. I’ve been no contact with my mom (who use to hate that I would ruminate. Gee, I wonder why? 🙄) and some other members of my family for awhile now. Yet somehow they are still living rent free in my head. I go back and forth with forgiving my mom. Whatever forgiveness means. But I don’t want to suffer because of her anymore. But I don’t know how to make all these ruminations stop. It feels as though she has been a servant of the devil. And I literally feel so lucky to have even made it this far with my life and my soul.
I am not enjoying life, but I’m glad I still have one, if that makes sense. I mean, I enjoy it on some days. But most of the time, I regret not having the same opportunities that I had when I was younger or maybe I never had. My mom stole so much energy and smarts and vitality and even opportunities from me that I don’t know if I ever had a chance. But I definitely feel like it’s too late now. How do you forgive someone who stole everything from you and refuses to help you in any way? At this point I don’t even know what forgiveness is. But what I do now, is that I want to stop ruminating on it. I can never have my youth back. But at least I can change and improve my life starting now.
I’m 43 years old and I’m only now getting them out of my head. It took me years to realize that my inner dialogue was my parents voice not mine. I’m grateful that I realized it and am working on it now
I have an acronym which is ZHS which means Zero Head Space. This is a reminder that no one gets into my brain except me and me alone. When I guard my mind and not let ANYONE (including parents) control my thoughts, I feel so much better.
Same age here. I’ve started to notice something about that era and the boomers that seems to have facilitated this rise of narcissism
I had no contact for the most part, and broke no contact to my demise. They don't change. They still put you down and still put you in the same place they trained you to be. This time I blocked my mother. I do not think I will ever speak to her in this lifetime. I cannot take the reminder of how unworthy I am anymore. She keeps me under her at all times. I am not taking the guilt of breaking free from my parents any longer.
Makes me angry since I've gone no contact and Mom's painted me into the "villian" and Im the one that hurts her.
When I tried to detach from my mentally ill mother, she would get Dad to call me and threaten me for not calling. I was in my 50s.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. I no longer let mom live in my head, I’m a new person today. Only took me 40 years to accomplish. Better late than never I guess.
Thank you Jerry I watch a lot of videos on narcisstic /toxic families and your one of the few that actually give us tools on how to deal with it
This video came just in time. I've been struggling with this so much more than usual since both of my parents passed away and I've been forced into dealing with my siblings of origin, one of whom is a narcissist. A lot of old crud came back to the surface that I guess I need to deal with.
I hadn't thought of my siblings in decades. It was really nice. I want that freedom back.
Thank you for the helpful strategies.
That's one thing that made me realize mom was a lost cause. The end where you show empathy towards feelings without going in there with her: I tried that several times and each time resulted in a blow-up/physical altercation. Like you won't even LET me love you 😂😂🤣🤣 if my kindness makes you HOSTILE, I probably need to dip. Been out of her hair for 5 years now, finally getting her out of mine! These vids plus my face-to-face therapy has worked WONDERS💯
Thank you so much! ❤️
Someone suggested to me that my mother's "radio station" was turned up too loud. Gave me something to think about, and this video really helps me turn the volume down. 😊
My rumination was always because I was trying to find a way to solve situations, but I only had limited scope of life and knowledge of the world.
Knowing it's not my fault, and knowing that this was the result of being abused has allowed me to heal. Realizing that i could have done this or that, but I was forced not to, instead of it being my fault, is refreshing.
Things I have ruminated on for 25-30 years at almost 35 years old now, that are now being healed on, is very nice and feels good to be "Free" and have that "Burden lifted."
My N person is getting dementia and its great because they can't remember a train of thought. It keeps them from keeping score. I realized recently I was obsessing on them after another family member passed away. I know I need to go play with my cats, work in the garden or go shopping.
what an excellent therapist
Boundaries - physical and emotional and time - give you the space to truly love and appreciate yourself and keeping on healing 😊
I’m 60 now and tell my Narcissist mother little about me or my life. It’s none of her business and she never cared to understand or appreciate me anyway.
No contract is best. But she’s 85 now - though of course could go on for years more. However I keep away as much as possible. She lives 100 miles away so I only see her once every 6-8 weeks. I try not to speak to her on the phone more than once a week now and keep it simple and only about her. If she doesn’t like it, too bad.
As a narcissist I see there is not much going on for her now she is elderly and has limited fuel. It’s clearer than ever how she’s not a “giver” - you see the dry husk / reptilian core that is her true self more and more clearly. It’s great to keep away from that. To be living my life for me 😊.
Mother - Narcissist; Father- Enabled mother just to shut her up
I learned that while I was still living in the immediate area that I had to create a mental cabinet in order to stay healthy. The cabinet has three drawers, with each having a name:
1st drawer: I can't do anything about that.
2nd drawer: Ultimately, that has nothing to do with me.
3rd drawer: Carry not what is not yours to carry.
I do at times that keeps me no contact, but rent free that's funny and we all know that's actually very expensive these days, tell the free loaders to shove off! ❤😊
I'd say it's less that I'm thinking about them and more that they're impeding on my life by reminding me about them constantly. They wouldn't live rent free if they'd take their own advice and let me go.
Love this video, thank you Jerry! I love your examples where they spill their BS on you and you respond with “you may be right.. (or, sorry you feel that way/ and/or I don’t see it this way)” then go straight to “hey, what’s for lunch?” 🔥 !! 😆 That’s the only way to deal with these unhealthy people and keep your own sanity.
Also - loved your message at the “Healing from narcissistic abuse Summit 2024”!! So glad I didn’t miss it! Gold.
You really are the best there is on this topic or dysfunctional families. I'd love to hear you talk more about using the "so what?" question.
One of the most hardest, challenging and craziest thing here is might be quite alone with seeing through the narcissist bevaviour and their pattens and than other people have no clue whats going on when they meet this person or get to know him/her. And you have to somehow open up about it and find a way to carefully expose the drama-comic theatre play. Very challenging.
Thank you. In the last few weeks I have come to terms that I have ALWAYS felt the pain they’ve inflicted but I was lost in the confusion. I am now 29 having lived with the abusive narcissistic parents I should have been removed from the home at 16 when they became violent. No one cared and I was honest with police officers and teachers and no one cared. Now I’ve gone no contact and I have to be sure to train myself to keep them from my mind but 29 years is a long time and I’ve experienced covert incest from my father as well, this has ruined my life and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to begin my own family or overcome my fear of deeper intimacy but I will try to educate myself about these topics.
Have you read Ingrid Clayton’s book Believing Me? She’s a trauma therapist writing about her own trauma, which resembles yours (on the surface, at least, obviously I don’t know you). I found it grounding and reassuring.
That's true- my mother died of cancer at 75 yrs old & only changed for the worst. When she died she hadn't spoken to me for 2 yrs & would behave like a spoiled toddler. ✌✌
Thank you for the validation. Number 3 reminded me of when I realized the best way to survive my mother was a veneer of nonchalance. I started getting in more trouble for not responding to the bait then whatever she was trying to guilt me about or angry at me for.
While both of my parents were that way, my now deceased father definitely didn't want us to develop our own selves. I recall him criticizing my being the Navy regarding our attire. Keep in mind that I am the only son of his 5 that became productive years later.
Her conduct was so that I would guilt and shame so I would get back in line.
Your advice is truly helpful. I am constantly told to stop revisiting life situations from the past. But I just could not start to imagine how to.
I hope you know the magnitude of the work you are doing. It is so practically helpful! Thank you!!!!🎉❤😂😅😊
I'm so glad!
You are their host.
My narcissistic mom is not in my head, it's my flying monkey sisters that try to gulit and shame me. It's really sad how much damage is done. I consider my birth family dysfunctional because of my mom.
Thank you for your work. It's nice to have my thoughts validated. I've been fighting a dysfunctional mother for forty years. She's out of my head now, thanks to your work. I'm still trying to get the whole experience out of my head. I keep slipping back into bad memories.
Wow that makes a lot of sense. I was always confused why I wasn’t allowed to feel my own feelings.
Thank you for the video. I found Jesus & a therapist 2 yrs ago largely due to narc family. Came a long way and set boundaries, but I find I still need practice developing healthy boundaries. It’s sad (especially for good people going through this) that we always hope they’re gonna change. The Narcs acts really nice for a day (lovebomb) then go back to normal. The hardest thing has been accepting that they’ll never change. Families should love, not tear each other apart. Peace and Blessings to you and to everyone dealing with this🙏
With how much rent costs in today's market I wish I could charge;)
Jerry, this is EXACTLY what I needed to see today. Seriously was speaking to my husband about how much you and other therapist on YT have helped and he is always on me FORGET THEM. It's early days for me going NC so it's a process but this is helping me get there so much faster. Understanding the pathology has been the key to my recovery path. 🙏 ❤
Glad you find it helpful. Thank you for watching!
My mother wrote a book and put VERY private personal things in it which I did not give her permission to do. Also she said that she “was obedient to God” in doing this. I moved across the country and the. She slandered me for there and turned friends of ours against me!!!!!! this has been the hardest year of my life by far
This is soooooo hard!!
My new mantra: “I am not them, they are not me.”
That's a powerful mantra. If you're interested in further insights and support, consider joining my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Listened the 2nd time, just now to you on this video.
Learned more, recognized more, understood more.
Thank you .
Im glad you found it helpful. I too always learn new things when i revisit something that was helpful in the past. Based on out emotional location we may pick up new and different information!
If you haven’t already, I would love to have you join my free training. Have you joined yet? If not, you can join here :)
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027
Unfortunately, forever, unwanted trauma memories of the narc parent contaminated my mind, on the daily.
“ From god, to tyrant, to outcast, to dust.”
Jerry, it's so good to have you on RUclips teaching us to be sensible people
I've been told by a very good priest to pray the chaplet of divine mercy every day, asking jesus to take away the thorn from your heart the first day, to take away the pain from the wound the second day and to heal the wound the third. In this way Jesus will help us to heal our wounds and to stop thinking about it.
He said to start doing it for small things, and then move to the more traumatic ones.
I love this so much. I’ve been wanting to become catholic and have been praying the rosary for the last 2 months now and just learned the divine mercy chaplet. I wouldn’t be here without the hope of Jesus. This world is such a dark place to be in and those prayers truly bring life. Blessings and peace to you
The divine mercy chaplet is wonderful for healing. I have also gotten a lot out of praying the surrender novena and the Our Lady Undoer of Knots novena. And frequent use of the sacrament of reconciliation as well as frequent attendance of Mass to receive the Eucharist. The graces of the sacraments and the prayers of the church have been the single greatest source of healing I have ever encountered
I wish I heard this 20 years ago...especially as it's not dramasized or too theoretical..very down to earth and practically helpful.. thank you!
excellent video. I think we do have a self though. but our self has to be what they told us we were. any sense of value or worth must be eliminated or hidden in the shadows. getting to the point where we are able to listen to thoughts and refuse belittling, destructive thoughts and others' words is imperative to becoming a better person. accepting praise from others and giving our selves awards and praise is vital to growth. these people hate us and truly want us to fail. they do not ever change. we see them not as they are, but as we wish they were. we must destroy that illusion.
I am not gonna lie, sometimes they live airbnb free in my head
Jerry thank you! Just the topic I needed. I've spent 2 years planning my escape from my verbally abusive family. I've been out for 6 months and can't get them out of my head!
👏 Thank you!
wht do you normally think about?
So Very True
After someone dies that they hated their whole life they talk good about him and I sit there stumped when you see them getting older at the same time you wonder if you should let them forgive themselves or they're losing their minds I know I am listening to it
This made me smile. Sooo true. I'm still on my recovery phase, but still learning...
❤️❤️❤️
Through my self-help research, I have concluded that it is highly likely that I have developed a *"parental* *introject"* that is *lodged* *into* *my* *super-ego.* Although I understand the theory, I do not know the technique(s) for *identifying* *and* *clearing* *my* *introject(s)* *so* *that* *I* *can* *heal.*
JESUS LOVES YOU, and HE said You are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made! Same GOD who created the HEAVENS, Sea, Sun, Moon, Whales, Lions, Flowers, Butterflies Trees! Genesis1,2,3