Narcissistic Family: Boundaries That Drive Them CRAZY (but will save you!)
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- In this video, I discuss the essential boundaries that can drive narcissistic family members crazy but are crucial for your self-differentiation. These boundaries are often met with resistance because they challenge the narcissist's need for control and manipulation. By setting and maintaining these boundaries, you can protect yourself from emotional harm and regain your sense of self.
This video will help you understand which boundaries are vital and how to enforce them effectively, even when facing strong opposition from narcissistic family members. If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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The word "No" is a complete sentence
😂😂😂I love it!!
If I was in contact(I am not) with my narc dad, I would tell him to grow up and keep his opinion(negative) of me, to himself. He's not worth stressing over!
"Arguments keep the enmeshment going." That's a good one!
And it's so true. It takes two people to argue. Take one person out of the equation, and the offender has no one to argue with.
@@MillicentAspinetthey need to find another participant...
I always hated family gatherings. Always. Once I moved 2,000 miles away I was able to say no, stay away and the peace I felt was something I'd never experienced before. I vowed I'd never give that up again, for anyone. The first time I said no, my narc mother lost her sh*t. 25 years later, she seems to have given up but still plays games. I don't see the family at all anymore. I have my own little family and it brings me peace.
As if it's too much to ask....
I went no contact at 17. 2 of my 4 siblings backstabbed me immediately giving my stepmother my address for many years to come.
Sounds very similar to our narc family.
I have told my 2 sisters I won't be going to birthdays & religious holiday celebrations. One still sends me msgs about them as she can't accept "no" to anything. I value peace in my life and it's never felt better than since I have blocked one & very limited contact with the other. I haven't announced those 2 decisions, as I'm doing it gently so I don't get a sudden attack from them, as they gang up together against me & have been doing so for years. They are the GC, I am the SG & black sheep. I'm the Baa•aa•aa•d one lol.
@@gregoryjgarcia3862I moved 3 months ago & have not told any of my 5 siblings my new address bc they don't seem to respect or understand my boundaries.
"My needs are above your demands" ABSOLUTELY!!
Sounds like my passive-aggressive old man and control-freak mother alright.
That's some wisdom I wished I'd had 40 yrs ago
Jerry Wise you were the first person to teach me (at 36 years old) that I am worthy of and allowed to have and set boundaries. Thank you for that
I’m glad to hear I helped you know your worthiness! You’re very welcome ❤️
It's such a gift. I was 31 when a man I worked for saw me fretting about the upcoming holidays. He asked why, I said I hated going home to spend time with my family and it just stressed me out. I lived 2,000 miles away, I had just moved a year or so before that. He looked puzzled and calmly said, "so don't go."
I felt both powerful and embarrassed because I was an adult and never thought to just say no and put myself first. That was it. I stopped going, and has the most enjoyable holidays of my life. I never knew they could be relaxing and fun. I'm 54 now and anytime they ask now I politely explain I'm retired from the family gatherings, lol. It was not well received for years, and took some practice to not give it any energy but man it's worth it. Weird how sometimes we need permission to not be miserable.
@@madeleinegrayson8372
I don't go to any of the birthdays or religious gatherings and it feels so empowering. This tradition of forcing people together who may not get along is a nightmare for the scapegoat. Peace is much more inviting and enjoyable. I would feel sick for weeks before & weeks after from stress.
@@madeleinegrayson8372you’re so right! It wasn’t until I learned what narcissism was 4 yrs ago, did I start to put myself 1st. I was 55 years old. You’re lucky to have learned the word no at 31😊. I so wish I could go back & have walked away sooner & had said no a lot sooner in life. Even though I now understand why I dread holidays & birthdays, I have so enjoyed holidays much more with the peace & quiet I have had the past five holidays. Told my husband it’s time to start new traditions that I want for a change since I was the one always hosting. I find that if I had removed myself from my toxic family things would be so much better for my children to have not been exposed to them. My children are adults & I’m able to open up with my son & our relationship is getting back on track. My daughter is another story. I believe I created a narcissist when it comes to her. I saw her as myself when I was younger & would over compensate because I never wanted her to feel anyway I did when I was little. Sad but when she needed discipline I wasn’t able to give it to her & tell myself I’m not my mom & she isn’t me. I knew no healthy boundaries & therefore didn’t build healthy mother/daughter boundaries. She has moved away & needs that distance to get independence & hopefully realize what healthy relationships should be with adult parents & adult children. I’m being patient & have seen some improvement (very little but something is better than nothing).
❤❤
Internal mantra: "your tantrums do not constitute an emergency on my part".
At 61 I finally came to the realization that my family was/is not healthy. It's SO FREEING to break free from their control through guilt. It feels that their biggest threat was seeing me healthy.
Telling my Golden Child older sister, "No." She rages just like our raging, alcoholic father raged. "No" is not an acceptable answer. Obedience is mandatory.
Well I personally am not the bigger person so I’d be telling that b no 100’s of times a day! During her fit if sarcasticly laugh and say people in hell want ice water no no no no hahaha😂
So true
I feel you, have this same problem with my second oldest Sister. ♥
I’ve got a golden “brother” like that. Well, had one. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in ten years and will never do so again. The hell with him, he’s not controlling me.
Obedience is mandatory, that's funny, I'm a true believer in teaching them no at home otherwise..... It's for sure beyond their comprehension.
I have set my boundaries: No contact!
It works great, I don't miss anyone or anything and suddenly everything is so peaceful.
I had to sit at the kitchen table at dinner time while my father yelled at everyone. When I got older when he started yelling and ranting I would get up and leave the table. That made him furious. He said I was being disrespectful of him. But he never acknowledged that for years he was utterly disrespectful of me while I was trying to eat my evening meal. I had stomach aches all the way through out my childhood.
I still hate sitting around a table for meals for that same reason.
My fil would usually go off around politics and other issues (especially at holidays/family get togethers) and he was very loud about it. We began hosting Christmas after my in-laws divorced (about 18 years ago). At first, they couldn't be in the same room, so we ended up having separate Christmases. After a few years, it got better, but the whole family was also loud. Christmas of 2020 I set a boundary with my husband. I told him if my fil was going to get loud about something, he would be asked to stop and/or leave. Additionally, my sil's were often rude to others (both in and out of the family). I told my husband that if they were going to behave like children and be mean/disrespectful, they would also be asked to leave. We haven't hosted Christmas since. My fil has passed away and my mil moved across the country. My husband has little in person contact with his family (he is the oldest with 3 younger sisters) and when he does have more than a few hours contact, he seems agitated. I don't miss the drama and anxiety. I never realized how much anxiety I had when they were in my home until I no longer chose to deal with it.
One-way street for him. No good for you. Get off that turnpike!
Omg! Same
After a while I realized that ALL "help" was purely to establish strings, obligations that would be brought up later. These were strings that would not be mentioned up front, of course. Ever. And as if the hidden strings weren't bad enough, they would expect HUGE payback in terms of obligations for any small help. Often ongoing and time consuming (and energy draining) obligations. When I finally began refusing to take money or gifts, the individual freaked out on the spot, in actual terror. Which shocked me, because it revealed how very consciously the person had been using support and gifts as a control tactic.
Yup. This is why I don’t ever ask anybody for help with anything because I understand how to play the game. I’d rather go without something to ask for help as I know there will be strings attached. Other people get unconditional help when they need it and it’s fine but when I need help, why don’t I get the same treatment? I used to do tons for people but yet when I need help, there are always strings.
This! Just ruminating over decades of "help" on my families end.
Was just to fool and manipulate me. Not to assist me in any way. But to control me like a doll thru years of abuse, lies, repeat. Which looked like help to my narc fam. But they were just projecting on me to confuse, to gas light.
So when I am unsure, unconfident. They can take advantage at every angle. I understand their playbook now.
Living free, finding peace and recovery. Putting up strict boundaries for everyone including me.
Their “help” usually meant them sabotaging my efforts.
The help they give is only enough to address the crisis, not anything to make bigger changes that would allow someone to stand on their own two feet, have financial stability etc.
Any help is keep someone indebted - in my family this equates to having to listen to them criticise, b*tch and gossip about others. It maintains a captive audience and ready to go flying monkeys.
Just before Christmas my mother text asking if I wanted pants from the store. I said no. She text me later, she’d bought them and wanted to drop them over… (I’d set up cameras because she’s always turning up uninvited, unannounced and even walking around when I’m not home) Anyhow I said, I don’t want them, take them back. This went on for a couple of weeks. Finally she dropped them at my son’s work - so an added layer of triangulation of my child. After I refused to spend Xmas day with my mother and abusive golden child sister, I got a text - you can drop the pants off and leave them on the porch so I can return them. 😂
No respect for me repeatedly saying no.
So true! Bad trip. Your life never goes forward with that bunch.
I hate my parents for how they treated me. My dad admitted that they purposely blocked my development as a child. Just out of their own vanity and insecurities. What an aweful place this world is
My narc dad hates me for no reason. He doesn't like or respect me, never has, doesn't, and never will. I am happy without his crap!
We all at one point say we hate them and unfortunately, that’s us trying to get over all the pain they have caused. After survival of this there is a path to thriving, but you have to put into practice the tools and techniques Jerry teaches. Along with anything you can devour on the topic. There is a life worth living, you are better than them,and you winning is the way out.
Once you heal, you will reclaim your glory and hidden talents!
Not justifying why I am saying yes or no has driven my toxic family crazy and is helping me heal. As time goes on, I am experiencing more internal freedom.
There is only 1 thing possible with narcissitic family. Close the door to them and never look back and heal yourself.
Careful with that, some people can't go no contact. It's still possible to make thousands of small changes in the relationship which add up to a huge improvement in quality of life. Don't give up on those 10,000 small changes just because no contact isn't possible.
@@om617yota8 good point!
Arguments = Power Struggles, especially "one-way" (their side) arguments.
Oh yes same for my mom
@@NarcissismInMothers
My mother, too.
I am not travelling on a one-way street to nowhere (narc dad's "his way or the highway") I took the highway!
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
All of what you listed is spot on. They're not interested in your safety, self-respect and care, they scoff at it. That's okay. Continue to care about yourself.
Saying no to any kind of help irks them. I had a car accident a few months back. They offered help with transportation. Nope. My insurance covers rentals and I was not going to let them weasel their way back into my life. Plus I don't like owing people.
Very good
Well done, you did the right thing! Never accept any kind of "generous" help, offer or funding from them, even when you're in a tight spot or out of options; this is the narcissists' tactic of attempting to string you on for eternity via such things.
Boundaries. Holidays with my dysfunctional family were always disappointing to say the least, and I dreaded showing up, but did so hoping for the best. One year, I begrudgingly arrived for Christmas. Mother was murdering vegetables and cursing in the kitchen, father and siblings were in their own rooms. I was alone in the living room. I couldn’t take it and walked out, knowing full well the kind of day that was ahead. Well, guess who ruined Christmas that year? This girl! 😂I was harassed for days. (“Take back your presents! I don’t want them.”) When I question my own sanity, I reflect on that and similar situations and I know I’m not crazy, and that low contact is justified and necessary.
I ruined every holiday!! For the same reasons you probably have. Don't care anymore
I can't stand the fake "loving family" show that is put on. It's laughable, I don't want to be there so I don't go anymore. They can say what they like, I'm not concerned any more. My reasons for declining are good enough for me. Feeling forced to visit people you don't particularly enjoy being around has always felt like being bullied & controlled to me. No thanks.
That took alot of courage on your part. Admiration😊
@@beauthentic7493 ♥️Thank you!
You were alone in the living room while everyone else was physically checked out in their respective rooms!?! 😮. That sounds absolutely crazy and sadly rings so true. I recognize having to internally check out like I was an invisible fly on the wall for years as well. I say, “Good for you!” Run, and don’t look back. Sometimes family that isn’t related by blood is your true tribe, and you’ll feel ridiculously giddy when you find them. That’s my wish for you.
Me too! I called the Sheriff on them the last time they ignored the boundary I had set with them. The next time, I’ll have them arrested for trespassing! Sound mean and cruel? I don’t care. It’s for my own wellbeing and peacefulness.
Amen. I am proud of you! It may seem like drastic measures, but it is not! I trust this is EXACTLY what you had to do. I applaud your courage!
Good for you. Working on a protection order to file. To keep my abusers out of my life, my peace. Blessings.
PD isn't great here. So going with the courts. A 3 year protection order for myself. Which I can reinstate every 3 years. I don't wanna have to so this. But I was pushed, forced to. Just to live my life and keep to boundaries.
Yep. I have security cameras and need a restraining order. Malignant Neanderthal of a former sister has trespassed and even overrode the court, kicking in the door and changing the out the new lock, to keep me out of the home I inherited.
@@privateprivate8366 try a protective order. Can file, keep record of the abuse, illegality. Gove to courts. Can give you a period of peace. If narc in your fam continue. Just call PD over breaking. Will do time,charges if they find her.
💯💯💯💯💯
With certain people you will get retaliation when you put up a boundary. They will come back in a childish destructive way.
.....& if you're wise, you won't give them the attention that they're desperately seeking🤢.
I used to talk to my mother, for probably 2 hours/day, everyday, from work. She did not seem narcissistic then and I didn’t know anything about narcissism then. It wasn’t a situation of her controlling me, at least not that I understood. Rather, I was simply bored at work.
What I didn’t know is that I might’ve been building a monster. That, while it was fine, at one point in time, later, when she began showing predatory, narcissistic tendencies and was actively trying to sabotage my employment, she started demanding my work number. Was angry, when she couldn’t get it, even though she had my cell. At one job, when I wouldn’t give her my number, she found it through the phone company, called me there, had the guard looking for me and it was to let me know I didn’t have any boundaries she had to respect. So, I threaten to have her arrested.
So, you must have good boundaries, even when things seem OK. You don’t know what a seemingly fine human being can devolve into later. Could be your worst nightmare. I’m only glad she didn’t have a car or she might’ve shown up at my job.
That sounds like she's severely codependent. Not the same as narcissism. Equally destructive though, to her and everyone else.
I was beginning to detach from my narcissistic relatives at the age of 35 (I am now 59, and have been fully "divorced" from them for years! ). I came across a welcome sign that read "Friends welcome. Relatives by appointment only". 😂 Of course I bought it and hung it by my front door. It was my first obvious boundary to them, but also to myself about them. They were "offended!" by it when they saw it, of course, but I just didn't care. I would just flippantly say, you had an appointment, so it's okay. I felt in my power regarding them for the first time in my life. After that, it was a downhill slide to remove them completely.
My mom wanted to touch me lovingly like a wife holds and touches a husband. When I would pull back and repeatedly ask her to stop she would grab me and sink her nails into my skin- screaming she was only loving on me, I was disrespectful. She would try to hold and kiss on me at holidays and in public when she had an audience. It was gross, and I was coming to terms with my own sexuality simultaneously. (I'm gay). My dad hid in the basement chatting with other women online at the time, instead of calling him out she would link arms with me and expect me to act the role of the man of the house.
When she said I could get my temps against my dad's wishes I knew there was an angle. As soon as I could keep the car straight enough to get in the highway she started resting her hand on my thigh and trying to rub me and get as close to my crotch boundary as she could. She told me if she was my age she would be my girlfriend almost every day.
The more I stood up to her and said I don't like that type of contact with my mother- she would play victim and sick my dad on me to beat me for 'upsetting and being disrespectful to my mom'.
The only privacy I would find was the shower and then one day that wasn't privacy anymore either.
She invited herself into the bathroom to 'need' something anytime I took a shower. My mom tried so many times to pull back the shower curtain because she said she "couldn't hear me" when she asked a question and demanded an answer.
After my parents divorce I was kicked out on my 19th birthday by her and her new boyfriend for not being a good provider for her two boys (my two younger brothers) and she kept accusing me of "wanting to be with her sexually".
Her smear campaign was that i was possessed and controlled by demons like a marionette.
I'm 33 currently, haven't had to have contact with this monster in years.
I'm so sorry. None of that was your fault.You are worthy just as you are.
What a sick woman. I’m so sorry for your abuse.
That is terrible, your mother is a sick woman. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Pure nightmare
Yuck🤢!Sounds like she's got a LOT of screws missing, glad you got away.
Yeah I helped everybody and then when I needed it not a goddamn one of them helped me and I started over at 58
My favorite word is no. 😆
All parents die... When your parents die and you look back on your adult life... How much of it was yours, truly independent of your parents?.. Even if your parents are alive, you should still live an adult life of your own irrelevant to their settings, ideas and opinions...So, when they die, you look back and think, yes, I've lived my own adult life all this time... The only thing they can expect is some material help in times of need... That's all, in all other personal ways you are absolutely free to build your own life as if they don't exist... Your own life should always prevail tbh You can't build your life making your parents (dead or alive) happy because then it wouldn't be you and your life... Time is precious... Your life, your values and happiness...
Exactly, I came to the exact same conclusion 👏🏼👏🏼
That is how i broke free ultimatley and bult my own life and family...i asked myself what i would be doing, how would i be living, if the abusive people were dead and had zero affect on me and my life. Very freeing .
Driving them insane sounds like music to my ears
Meeeeee too
Their life is a loooong competition.And They have to win it.
And now im realizing that i thought having zero boundaries means love, and anyone showing boundaries meant they were trying to control you and manipulate you. Guess im working on healthy boundary setting and accepting this week!
We don’t choose to say “no” to regularly communicating with crazymaking family members because WE DON’T WANT TO BE RELENTLESSLY BULLIED AND PUNISHED BY EVERYONE ELSE IN THE NUCLEAR AND EXTENDED FAMILY
You really understand these dysfunctional systems.
I had to fight for all my boundaries. I remember cutting myself off financially to remove their leverage over me. I had to "drop the rope" and walk away from their dysfunction.
I had to learn to feel discomfort and set boundaries anyway.
They dangle a carrot of false "connection" - if you just fulfill your role and play along with the dysfunction. You only have to give away all that you are and become their puppet. It's a double bind. Heads they win, tails you lose.
their currency fuel, supply is based on information.
Wish I stood up for myself earlier. My narcissistic grandmother took all my self-worth, controlled me, treated me like a child. Never respecting my boundaries or my wants or needs. Lost the love of my life because of this shit. Am in no contact now and will never let anyone manipulate on control me again.
My mom would pick a fight and 'run' when I would stand up and say no or try to discuss the problem with her. My brother did the same tactic as mom did.
That what i did. My older sister is the golden child. I keep all my stuff in privacy. She wants shame and drama to happen. I dont share anything because her opinions dont mean crap to me.
I wish I had implemented these boundaries sooner than I had . There is so much resistance to setting your own sail particularly when serving as the family punching bag and scapegoat . At one point early in my marriage both my mother and grandmother suggested that I wasn't good enough for my husband. - poor P*** having to put up with you - always get a putdown in where you can. Despite creating a lot of distance and little contact for years both of them quickly tried to guilt me into caring for them when sick . Insults and guilt always work well to get a person you don't respect to provide free labour for you ? I didn't do it and to this day occasionally get negative comments from siblings who also didn't put themselves out to care for them in their old age . Retrospective guilt . These narcissists have no shame or self awareness . The more boundaries and less contact the better .
I finally escaped my mother's mind games. Now I see my step father slowly wasting away and I feel so badly for him. He just doesn't understand. I fear that when he gets older and sick enough to need support, God forbid, she will not be there for him. I hope I am completely wrong.
Evil toddlers in clown suit
Normal people think of a boundary as a line to not cross. Narcs think of a boundary as a goal to achieve - they just got told what they have to do to get some narc supply and invalidate you at the same time! Drives them nuts when they can't do so.
Number 9 was key for me! I used to be completely submerged in their emotional turmoil, a painful and overwhelming position that brought me to a breaking point. Stopping the daily calls and starting therapy changed my life completely. I am now working on putting up and holding boundaries, so your video is spot on, Jerry! Thank you 🙏
Thanks for watching!
I really don’t think financially supporting grown family members is normal or healthy.
So financially supporting, the elderly, chronic or intensive illnesses, disabled or those suffering from unforeseen events should not be allowed in your opinion?
@@Sapiditious no, not at all. Perhaps I should have been clearer, I mean able bodied people who just can’t be bothered. I have that situation in my family so I guess I’m sensitive to it.
I've just decided to go no contact with MIL and the rest of husband's family. My malignant narc mom just past away and now it's time for me to regain my inner strength. I always put up with negative behavior from his family , but no more. Husb is ok with it as I slip away without guilt. I feel better already knowing I don't have to get sucked under by their covert and not- so- covert meanness anymore. I've endured years and years of put downs , and well, I can thank my highly abusive mom for pushing me to the brink of insanity to no longer taking any more crap --from anyone.. Thank You, Jerry.
Good for you!👍👍👍
You’re welcome!🙂
I hope your husband eventually understands that he too needs to avoid them..... They'll likely try to cause drama through him🙄😮💨.
@@malwads1836 We moved way across country, and he has limited contact. He just doesn't like to talk negatively about them bc he's from the narcissistic model of honor your mother and father - no matter what. It helps that he's ok with me going no-contact.
My husband talks back to you often, and often looks at me and says, "This dude doesn't even need my help," lol. He says you're PERFECT regarding how mad they get at therapists--or even heroes, like musicians or writers that the child admires. Giant toddlers--"NO you're only allowed to like ME!"
I set a boundary with my father - no visits for a while. He raged and burned all of my pictures that hung on his walls.
....😉 Perhaps no more visits period would be a more appropriate boundary.
@@malwads1836Agreed
He sounds like a dangerous individual
I only have on single boundary for my narcissistic family......
Stay off my property !!!!!!!!!
Me too! The last time they showed up at my house, ignoring the boundary I had set for them, I called the Sheriff! The next time they come back I’m going to have them arrested for trespassing. Sound mean and cruel? Not compared to how I was treated through my childhood. Plus, now it’s for my own wellbeing and peaceful life.
That's the one thing they will cross or send someone else to do a test run. Just to see how receptive you were to a Stanger and if you are suffering. They wanna see suffering. Brings them joy.
I cut ties with family in my teens and never regretted it. Now and then my attempted interactions always ended in abuse. It's ok to choose leaving them because now i can forgive them for not being the family i wanted. Onward and Upward 😊
Damn. Never knew I could say no without needing to justify the no. :,)
Thank you once again for these gems of wisdom!!!!! Its pretty shocking and yet affirming, every single one of these pointsnis exactly the boundaries ive laid out in the last 5 years specifically and because of it my parents refuse to talk to me for over 10 months now, only sending hand written letters (my mother says they are more impactful) which my mom basically puts all blame upon me, shamed me for "changing", for intentionally hurting her and being mean, and that despite my terrible behavior, she will rise up and continue to "fight the demons that have come between us" and will never give up in me because she (the arbitor of all love) loves me too much!!!! My sister is caught in her role as golden child and wont stand up to her but rather tells me she agrees but i should just let it go and make peace regardless of what she does. My brother completly agrees but he avoids it all. He basically said he completly agrees and has confronted her in the past but he just doesnt want to deal with it so he said not to discuss aby problems with our mom with him because it upsets him too much. He calls like twice a year. Its a lonely battle, butnim just working on detachment now. Should have dont that work on myself first because the rejection and shame was so much for me when my parents rejected the boundaries. The work continues....
Keep up the good work. Not easy but you and your peace are worth it. Madre is same. Working on boundaries and no contact. Living my life. Processing from the trauma is one thing. Keeping these narcs out of our peace is another. Blessings.
Yep if you're dealing with a full-blown narc, they WON'T genuinely accept your boundaries...It's meaningless to them.Tgis is likely 1 of the biggest reasons why most of us eventually go no-contact with these screwy family systems.
Cutting off my mother and her family was so relieving. My grandmother was an alcoholic and when the divorce was finalized with my grandpa things fell apart. There was constant moving with my mother and her siblings between relatives. My aunt got to stay with the same relative the longest, so she the target of hatred. Would think they'd outgrow the childhood animosities, but they seemed to just distance themselves further from each other. It's to the point where my mother still tries to convince me my aunt is a mean person. My uncle convinced a cousin of mine there was some reason to not like her, and he's going along with it
Thank you for your wisdom. All these points are critical to successfully differentiating and breaking the cycle of enmeshment. Just moments before watching this I had to respond to a flying monkey who wanted out of the blue to chat. I knew immediately they were going to mine for info, because they are inappropriately close to my NC people and there is no reason they would contact me otherwise. I immediately preemptively addressed that I would not be discussing the situation with them. I tried to be kind in my message but firm in my boundaries. I went decades without familial boundaries and now that I have them I realize how healthy and freeing they are. Still have a lot of work to do on myself to heal but making good progress!
Take care of yourself, we need you! ❤
Thank you, will do!
I have gotten better at saying no to my parents.
Yay for you! Getting stronger every day!
9:00 This was a big one for so many people during the events of 2021. The biggest crossing of boundaries experienced by the most people in all of human history.
Do you ever cover how to deal with other family members like siblings? I still have a hard time accepting that i wont have a relationship with my siblings either. I figured as adults there would be something there. I want it but they dont and it hurts me. I have sort of accepted it but i guess part of me doesnt want to and it hurts.
You can replace all of my titles from narcissistic parents to narcissistic siblings, and the context would still be accurate.
I do have a video specifically about siblings that you could watch here-
ruclips.net/video/7TqnnIEhwLw/видео.htmlsi=q_mLY_FH4kV8aapT
They don't think about the impact on a marriage or finances at all.
When they have needs you are required to be there daily.
While another sibling calls on Sunday as does as they please.
It's would seem to be a no brainer!
They have already taken a side and it's not yours. When someone says I don't want to take sides,they already have. They are also admitting there are sides, with their own mouth. They know more of the other side or lack empathy or both. One brother said this to me when I told him I'm not taking anymore of a younger sister's bullying. He showed me which side he is on and it's not the victim's. She literally has screamed at me at the last 2 family meetings I attended. If that's family then I'm not willing to be part of it anymore.
Same. My bro took his own life recently after not speaking to me for 4 years over a difference of opinion in world affairs. We were always very close and I'm completely devastated. I always envisioned us growing strong together and cutting the parents out and remaining close. Idk what happened. After a falling out with a friend in college he was never the same. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself.
My condolences. 🙏🏽❤️@@noshame5791
Well, they’re used to drive me crazy… it’s time to take turns 😂
I came across Jerry's videos late into my journey and the approach of "getting the narcissistic family out of you" is the most impactful I have seen. This video nicely lays it all out. Please write a book !
In the end we all want to purge ourselves from patterns of negativity and turmoil brought on and carried forth from generations of family traits. Yes, they learned it from somewhere. Fixing ourselves, not the perpetrators and hopefully leaving a new legacy.
❤️
They wanted to know who I was sleeping with, like why would you want to know that? It's none of your business.
Gross🤢🤮! It's likely because they don't VALUE interpersonal relationships... Nothing is precious or sacred to them.
i still don't know if my mother is a narcissist or if she just learned so many things from her mother, who was a narcissist, but so many of these are totally her. The information sharing, limiting communication and her needs first are the biggies out of the list. i learned the hard way so many times that i couldn't trust her with information and one day, i realized i didn't have to give her any, and i'm not a "Did you know that Harriet Smith went to Safeway today?" kind of person, so i just stopped all the constant chit-chat. That didn't set well with her at all, partly because then she didn't have any gossip to spread around about me. The communication thing -- she used to tell me that i needed to call her every day, and not just once but throughout the day, because she could fall at any minute and how would i know if i didn't check on her every couple hours. My dad, on the other hand, if you called him every couple weeks, he'd tell you he was fine and stop calling 😆And everything, of course, was to be fit around her needs. Ugh.
My family asked if I come to an (important) family celebration / meeting / gathering, and I said No! But my family was very mad "how can you say no? Don't you have a heart? It's family!!!" and they did it again! Until I said ok, sorry, I come, they forced me again to do things I DID NOT WANT TO DO !!!!!! I'm thru with them. This time I said yes again. But next time it's final. Should they put any more pressure onto me, I'm out! Moving away, etc.
Thank you for unknowingly explaining my past. I am ever so grateful that I grew up in the age of long distance phone calls and having to pay for them. That in itself stopped a lot of the madness. And paying for a phone call to Germany was a blessing. Financially it made going low contact very easy. And in desert storm, phone calls were pretty much nonexistent. Though I did have a place I could call the states for free if I was in that location. Yes, I was more blessed than I ever knew. Thank you for pointing this out. This made my day.
Welcome!
Short remark before I ready for full comment
Some people need and have to learn to use word "no", because they were deprived of it in early childhood
So they grew up to be " yesman" or "yeswoman" . But it never late to find power of will to force yourself to pronounce "no" when someone trying to force you to do something against your own interest. It might be more complex sentence like "I don't know" in admitting truth. Or even harsher sentence "I don't care" when (for example) refusing to gossip.
I'm still remember when I started to say "no" as a full answer. It was 20 years ago and I was then 40 + at that time...
I'm a British born and raised ( and still living in London) girl of half Arab descent. Now, not wanting to reinforce any negative stereotypes, but unfortunately, this list can apply to how some Arab/North African/Middle Eastern families 'normalise' such dysfunctional, unhealthy, exploitative behaviour* - it has resulted in me completing severing all contact with maternal relatives because it destroyed my health, wellbeing and who I am as a person.
I have spent the last 3 years unlearning what I was taught in my upbringing, and re-learning things about myself, including learning about my late mother's culture and language without their input ( not that they helped as they didn't particularly know much either... more on the ignorant side..)
*I want to clarify that this behaviour exists and happens in all families, societies and communities, including the UK, and does not represent the entire culture or religious beliefs of a given group - just unhealthy, abusive yet 'normalised' behaviour. Unfortunately, now I have been learning what narcissistic and emotional abuse are about, I can not help but see with 'laser focus' such behaviours play out in a culture that is part of my heritage.
Don’t worry about seeing patterns within cultures. All cultures have their patterns. I better to recognize it and deal with it. I hope you find the peace, health and boundaries you rightfully deserve.
when i set boundaries or care for myself my mother or brother call me egoistic. now they use the silent treatment. that makes me anxious bc as a child my mither did not talk to me as a punishment. since those days i apologize for things i never did just to feel not abandoned.
I went no-contact with my mother when I was 23 years old. Ever-so-often thruought my long life, I'd hear bits of what she was telling other people about me. Narcissists want us back so they can punish us for having left them. This makes perfect sense to them.
I grew up in a family where the kids were NOT ALLOWED to have ANY PRIVACY! By the time a kid reaches their early teens, they need and they DESERVE their PRIVACY. After having my mother barge right in, carrying a stack of clean laundry without knocking, for about the UMTEENTH TIME, and after repeatedly asking her to knock FIRST, I installed a slide lock on my bedroom door, and it lasted all of about 2 days, when she tried to barge in YET AGAIN as I was getting dressed after showering, and realized I had installed a lock. She stood outside that door, screaming, cussing, and violently kicking that door! Was I wrong for asking for my privacy as I matured into a young man? I mean, other kids I knew all had locks on their bedroom doors, especially the girls, but....boys are also entitled to some minimal degree of privacy, in my mind. It didn't stop there.
As I began high school, she would regularly pick up the phone extension down in the kitchen and eavesdrop, and then deny it later when I would say anything about it, gaslighting me; she would look through my notebook and other school items, looking for and reading anything that looked like a note, ESPECIALLY a private one, on and on. It didn't stop once I was an adult in college, either; she would regularly call the fraternity I was staying at, and once she determined that I WASN'T there, she'd tell whoever had answered the landline TERRIBLE things about me, vicious lies, actually....and then I'd be asked to move out! It took me quite awhile to figure out what was going on, and when I stopped giving her phone numbers for where I was living, it stopped. Ditto for when I got married; MEDDLE, MEDDLE, MEDDLE!!! She destroyed my first marriage, and damned near destroyed my second one. She ruined my older brother's first marriage as well. When I was going through my divorce from wife no. 1, my attorney called me one day and told me that BOTH of my parents were calling him and wanting to know EVERYTHING that was happening; he politely declined to divulge anything to them, which only set HER into a full-on rage, although my dad was almost as bad as she was.
They both died during the first wave of Covid; I never shed even one tear, is that bad? For the FIRST TIME in my ENTIRE LIFE, I'm FREE! I'M FINALLY FREE of HER, THEM, and their PRYING EYES AND NOSES!! I'm living my best life now, at age 52, because THEY'RE no longer here to meddle in it!! 😂🎉
No, you did not do anything wrong in any way. Check out the most recent video by Theramin Trees, about why he didn't cry when his narcissist mother died. His videos about narcissists and controllers are excellent. Best wishes to you!
@@katherineg9396 Thank you!
You are a spiritual being having a human experience.
We can so "NO" without an explanation. Correct. We need to be discerning so others cannot manipulate us! It takes work to stand up for ourselves with family, and others...
I just had a potential job opportinity ...and after going to many networking events, I was able to get a pulse of the people and position and realized this culture was not in line with my values...though I struggled on how to make the right decision for myself, I made the choice to send all the material I was given back to the owner of this company. No explanation because I sensed he would have tried to manipulate me or shame me or use guilt to get me not to quit. Plus the person who was his friend, who was meeting up with with me at all these events, said something to him that made me look bad. It wasn't true...hmmm. If we listen, people will show us who they really are.
So neither one deserve any explanation. They have not earned that right. Once I mailed it all back to him, PEACE came. 🙏
This was my confirmation.
I Thank God for The Holy Spirit who spoke to me in-my-spirit to "mail it back."
Jerry, my mom is a very sick narc. She has left me no choice but to have limited contact with my daughter and me. Because of this, her newest thing to try and scare me with, was saying that she believes CPS is coming because everyone is so “unsure” of my daughter’s well being. (I have pretty much went no contact with her entire side of the family as well, to their chagrin). I feel like this is the last straw, I know she’s bluffing about them coming but I am angry she would even go that low to try and control me. Would you say this is the sick dangerous behavior they will resort to when they’re not getting what they want?
YES. I have heard similar stories. This is a control tactic to scare you into getting her way. She should be held accountable for filing a false report.
Narcissists are bluffers. Keep that in mind.
IF IF IF she actually calls CPS, maintain a calm demeanor. It’s the child’s welfare they are concerned about. Again, remain calm and remind yourself you are protecting your daughter from the abuse your narc mom subjected you to. Congratulations!
Sounds like veiled threats. Please be safe and keep your child away from
I made a desision right now too. I should go to work at 4 o'clock, second day, but i ain't going nowhere. I refuse cleaning toilets for 6 eur an hour, without gloves. And my heath right now is not good, not in body not in head. And my chin wound has become 50 times bigger, for sure from hospital bacterias and those strong cleaning products. I am not leaving my house today to clean toilets for penuts, and sick. No.
Every single time financial help was accepted, it had strings attached. "It's pkay" to me, while ranting to others about it. Eventually, holding it as a "debt" and "collecting" it by stealing. I know now why they got worse, insane behaviors AFTER I went no contact during holidays and my birthdays. I no longer have any regrets after learning all this. I did the right thing for myself and I am not responsible for thier behavior or mental condition because I created healthy boundaries.
Getting better with every video and sharing with others that are struggling with the same family issues. Thanks again to Jerry.
Exactly what I went through for so many years. They destroyed me and my life. I should have known you earlier .
I tried to talk about and teaching my little half brother about settings boundaries towards our mother but he beliefs we shoulnt set boundaries on family only on strangers or relatives. I told him that strangers who don't respect you, you can easily walk away from, not as easy with family that's why it's important to set boundaries, but he disagree .. Our mom stopped contacting me because I set boundaries and critisize her bad behaviors, and I can see how all her 8lood sucking is now directed on my half brother because he just looks so drained lately, taking care of her two dogs all the time, helping with this and with that, including him in so much drama, and then once again I become the scapegoat because I don't surrender and submit like my brother does.
We have used most of these tips with my narcissistic father in law. It has made it easier for us but oh my the pouting is off the charts! We are learning to be honoring but not manipulated by his horrible attitude.
Stalking . I go through gang stalking from families and Swedish people helps them . Getting out of sweden
So weird - they have the money, family around them, etc. but for some reason, never get their problems solved.
4:00 My dad called me 4xs a day!! It was aggravating 😡 He would call, ask me questions, hang up - then call me back in 2-3 hours and ask me THE SAME questions!! "What are you doing?" "How are you?" After telling him that he called too much, he turned it into an excuse, "You sound upset. I'm your father and I worry about you but you seem to not care that I worry for you, that's why I call." No, he called because he was lonely and nobody ever called *him* so he would call _me_ to talk about stuff that I didn't really care to listen. I don't care about his lawn... I don't care about what he saw on TV... I simply don't care and that doesn't make me a bad person ❤
They say 'do it the way you want because, I am you'
I laughed when you said 45 years of get5them out of you. 😂 so relatable.
I went to an attorney and an advocate....they didn't like that.
😃
I was mobbed severly for going to aca supportgroups and also called bad names for stating my feelings during a from me initiated fam therapy session. It only dawned on me that thats the reason for alienating and scapegoating me for over 30 years! Destroying all my attempts to build a new carrier for myself after being on disability due to accidents.. Terefore my health declined even more and still on disability pension wich does not even cover needed therapies..got financial support from them BUT NOT without allways getting blamed and second guessed! The worst is now the one who called me names and manipulated against me- the other narc daughter is now controlling the scene, as narc father's mental state declines... of course she was allways the golden child bossy and I got blamed even for things she did- as thats what covert narcissts do. Once the scapegoat ...
My narcicissist stepmother blamed me at 12 for remarks my brother made against our Dad. She wouldn’t let it go and whipped out the accusations occaisionally many years running. I told my Dad the truth full details at age 27. He acknowledged my story. StepMom immediatedly began overtalking but we ignored her and I spoke my truth.
Another deeply insightful video. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
@@jerrywise ♡ Clearly, you know the dysfunctional family dynamic very well.
Thank you for helping survivors process and begin the process of individuation.
My dad and his sister are narcissists I don’t give a crap about what my dad wants because he has nothing to hold over my head but I feel bad for my cousins because they have to have a relationship with their mom because she is really wealthy and they like the benefits of that.
My mil was so demanding and just assumed that we would do something for her. Thankfully she has moved across the country, and I do feel that my husband has peace without her here. It wasn't just my mil, but the entire family feels entitled to help or whatever they need. It was always okay if they set boundaries, but heaven forbid anyone else sets them! I never realized how enmeshed they were until a co-worker worked with one of my sister-in-laws and saw how she talked more about my husband (her brother) as a husband rather than a brother. Once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it! I am low/no contact and I don't regret it at all!
Every human being needs privacy.
This is a wise video Jerry (of course ;-) ). And you're right that there's inner work to do before it becomes possible to set external boundaries with others. Loads of value in this video.
Glad you found it helpful!
At last someone who provides practical help, presented in a sensible no nonsense way, easily understood. I can tell this Man's knowledge and way of getting it across can help me to heal, and move forward. Thank you very much.
You are very very welcome! If you found this video helpful, I recommend joining my free training
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027
The 2nd one hit hard! Still such a problem for me & the 1st to go when dealing with others or when I get stressed
Hi Jerry,
Despite working with a therapist and learning about this topic for many years, I had to come to these boundaries on my own; and often out of pure exasperation. This is a great video. It's concise, bypasses jargon, is immediately useful and, for me at least, describes the scenarios of my family's boundary assaults EXACTLY. Thank you again, Jerry, for presenting such great work! 👍 Here's hoping those watching don't have to struggle as long as I did.❤
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you dear Jerry for all your videos and we love you here.
From Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
Wow, thank you🤎
Great guidance as always, Jerry!
Glad it was helpful!
Both my parents are narcissists including two brothers stuck in the most of their triangulation. Thank you for the work you do-it matters and all we want to do when we find out this is happening is get our lives on a thriving path. Thank you!
Most welcome! 🙂
I wrote all of this down to post on my wall. Thank you.
Exactly my needs come first
The narc is my life is my mil and the narc family system. This hits the nail on the head.
Thank you as always, Jerry. Be wise! ❤
Thank you, I will🙂
This was a good video and true for my mom, especially the parts on not having boundaries and the love for family drama/gossip. I did just record a video on why I can't go no contact, while visiting my nephew I noticed her repeating the cycle with him especially not respecting his boundaries
Thanks, Jerry Wise!!!
You’re welcome! 🙂
I appreciate you! Subscribed
I appreciate that!❤️
I find it interesting that the narcissist that I know says no to me all the time, puts boundaries in place that I didn’t know existed then blows up, “I should have known better” over the most ridiculous things. The only way to not provoke is to be statuesque & not say a word(I’m not exaggerating!). If I want to continue a relationship with a certain family member I have to put up with this.
painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
Once again...GOLD! Thanks,Jerry Wise👍
Very welcome!🤎
This is soooo helpful, thank you!
You're so welcome!🙂