Narcissistic Family: How to Respond Non-Reactively to Their Attacks
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
- Learn the art of responding non-reactively to toxic parents and family. Stay calm, stay you- also if the other person is emotionally toxic, dysfunctional, or immature.
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➡️ Video Timestamps:
00:00 - Video Overview
1:15 - The art of offering non-reactive responses
3:36 - Respond outside the expected
12:10 - Accept them as not you
17:23 - Differentiate in the response
19:37 - Respond rationally vs emotionally
➡️ Recourses:
List of recommended books to read: www.jerrywiserelationshipsyst...
➡️ Recommended Playlists:
Dealing with Your Dysfunctional Family of Origin- • Playlist
How To Become The Real You (Also In Dysfunctional Relationships)- • Playlist
Setting Boundaries in Dysfunctional Relationships- • Boundaries with Narcis...
➡️ Visit our website for coaching & workshops:
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC as of this date has over 300+ videos on You Tube. He has 45 years of experience helping people become more self-differentiated, unstuck, and overcome the effects of their family of origin imprinting and emotional functioning. He uses a Bowen Family Systems approach to help coach those who are in recovery, healing from Codependency and other dysfunctional family-of-origin issues.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to substitute for professional counseling help. Be sure to consult a professional in helping you with these integrate and utilize these concepts.
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I found narcissistic family were very controlled and never reacting but actually living in the mode of "not getting mad just getting even" calculating and keeping score and pushing buttons. Most those reacting were actually in the reactive abuse... just an observation... very difficult not being emotional or reactive especially as the more time that passes the more things you see they have done throughout your whole life. I was the scapegoat.
i can relate to this very much myself.. it’s a form of reactive abuse, i think. Personally, i identify as being mostly put in the role of the scapegoated child within my family. i think it’s very common for scapegoated adults of emotionally unavailable family members to find themselves in relationships like these often, until we become more aware of these old maladaptive patterns. The healing is similar even when the cause has been presented overtly overtime. ♥️ hope you can keep holding your own peace! 😌👍✨
Very true. 'Don't get mad, get even' type of energy. Pretending that a hurt has not happened while planning on how to be passive aggressive next.
@@LisaSmith-yb2uz bless you.. thank you
@@tinachristine4573 It's not funny, but I've been there so much I have to chuckle a bit in recognition....no longer, really. Yay Us!!
Yes!!
Accepting that the toxic family members don't won't and often can't change was when I decided to go with the old adage - 'you can't change anyone but yourself' . Not engaging in the endless drama was satisfying to me and frustrating to them . Also there was increased back stabbing and bad mouthing for the time before I decided to to go full no contact . After that I don't know or care what they said or thought .
I can relate. When you don't react as in the past they really get angry.
I can't thank you enough for the real-life examples of how to handle these situations! As an avoidant responder in a narcissistic family system (making up excuses to avoid the blow up in the role of family scapegoat, even still at 50 yrs old) your advice is immensely valuable. God bless you for sharing this information with us in such a comprehensive way!!!
You are so welcome Emma, I'm glad my video were helpful, all the best
Having received the proverbial phone call from my own narcissistic mother only a few days ago, it's safe to say that I needed a refresher from Jerry. It's very difficult to stay calm when you have been abused for many years. But, the time has come to stop having my pace set by narcissists. It feels so much better the more aware I become of how reactivity impacts my self-esteem so that I get to choose who I am.
Emil, I'm sorry you have to live a life with a narcissistic parent, I'm glad my video was helpful to your healing journey.
@@jerrywise Thank you Jerry, I appreciate you.
I cannot wait to perfect this. They are literally “addicted to excitement”…and it’s not the fun kind. They are silent but deadly…… like a spider waiting for the kill. I’m getting better but when you feel “off” I take the bait. 😮
You can do it! I'm glad my videos were helpful
The magic key 🗝️ Quite unnatural after decades of baiting, provocation, poor boundaries, etc...
I got worn down dealing with the wrong crowd. Let's elevate. Going UP ⬆️
Wow. I've been giving many avoidant responses over the years. It is going to be very challenging to give just an honest simple answer to narc mother. Been so indignant towards a ny preference, opinion, or stance i have taken in the past. When I'm around her, i feel my self confidence dwindle back a few steps and also sick to my stomach. I just don't like being around her.
Observe not absorb!!
Hi Jerry, I never look at things this way and BOY ...... what a life altering difference. You are God Sent. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. As a retired nurse I was taught Fix it at any cost. Knowledge is power and freedom.
You are very welcome, I'm glad I could be of help
Most of your videos apply to my life, but my toxic family get MORE offended and aggressive to being calm, logical & distant. The only supply they want from me is to emotionally abuse.
Right, I get yelled at for ignoring them if I don’t engage with their rage.
I thought my mother was a victim of my father's narcissistic verbal physical abuse but i think it lasted so long because she is also a covert narcissist so they were both fighting for the power and constantly playing games. now she's in this position of constant victimisation
Yes, emotional maturity: when I identify a pattern of behavior: my Option C:excuse myself, silently walk away & leave!!
very hard to be calm we been programed to react get angry
Jerry, I just learned today, that emotional dysregulation is a problem for me because of C-PTSD. When I am under pressure to give a response that I have not been allowed to think over, my mind blanks out because of anxiety. It started in high school with stage fright. Couldn’t remember song lyrics. Anyway, how can I respond without giving my power away by telling something personal and private.
Something you might want to think about- What would be the DOWN sides if you no longer gave your power away by sharing something personal and private?
What I have learned is when I might freeze up from pressure to give a response, I can say " I will need to take a moment and get back to you on that."
If the person is a reasonable individual, my response will be fine. If they are a unhealthy individual, my response will not work for them. (You will then know what kind of a person you are dealing with)
It is most likely not a life or death situation that warrants an immediate response. It is okay to take a pause.
The freeze response learned in childhood isnt helpful as an adult. When I have been triggered this way, I have shared too much (personal) info and shouldnt have because they are not healthy or safe individuals to share with. Keep responses bland and not personal with these kinds of people.
Agreed. Take a break. Excuse yourself from the call or their presence (go to the bathroom, car, etc).
How can you do this when you are just being attacked?
Excellent Teaching. I love the Tennis Court analogy. I don't think a person can develop non-reactive responses without taking some courses such as Assertive Training, Dealing with Difficult People, or Cognitive Therapy plus reading some book on these subjects. First of all, a person needs to develop some confidence in themselves and get over the need for other peoples approval to feel they deserve the right to have choices. The Bill of Assertive Rights from the Book "When I say NO I feel Guilty" is a real help in this regard.
My SEVERE narcissist father just fights back with insults, digs, and lies. I finally, after 68 yrs, just went no contact. It is hard on my two siblings dealing with them but my sanity finally won.
As the only daughter, my only role was to "take care" of household or "Mom" problems. The brothers have POA, parental trust, and respect ( or as much as they can give). My father gas tried every "flying monkey" he can find to bring me back, but I finally became my own adult.
Thank you jerry for all your wonderful advice. ❤️I am 53 and learning how to control my own life.
You're most welcome and I am happy to know that you are learning to control yourself. Appreciated
Thank you so much for providing alternative wording. I know I want to be more mature in my responses but I don’t know what it sounds like.
Often when we grew up in homes that didn’t communicate in mature non reactive ways, we can grow up not knowing what this may look and feel like. I'm really glad this video was helpful
This was really helpful, thanks Jerry for sharing. I'm going to practice new responses ahead of time. I have several toxic family members that seen to think it's okay for them to randomly insult me after being agreeable/nice mostly these days. I know it's not okay, they don't have to change but I will. Next time it happens I will observe my internal reactivity but be calm, let them know it's not okay by me that they speak to me that way and then leave/spend less time with them. I won't get into arguments. I see that my 'inner child' is stuck between reactivity and avoidance. I'm almost 49, late diagnosed autistic/adhd and slowly recovering from CPTSD/eating disorders/ neglect/abuse and not a lot of appropriate support in my area, so again much gratitude for posting this content.
Congratulations for your brand new format Jerry, it' very nice and didactic.
What's more, teachings such as yours would've been way far more useful for me than math...😉
Thank you Adriana for the feedback, I am always looking to improve and lot's of things have been changing lately. and much more to come! I am very committed to getting this message out there
Thank you for your support!
Ain't THAT the Truth!!!
1. Growing up, it was modeled for me by multiple people in my family that the way to deal with intense emotions is to
Scream
Rant
Rage
Threaten
Freak Out
Accuse
Never Listen
Yell
Holler
Shake Children
Physically Hurt Others
Lie
Slander
Slur
Fake Cry
Manipulate Others
Hurt Others on Purpose
Compared to them, I'm doing pretty good. That's enough for now, I'm not doing the other numbers at this time. 🥵
ETA: I came back to take in more.
I have noticed that the RUclipsrs and reality stars I like to watch will explain things in a non-reactive, matter-of-fact way when they're addressing comments from others that they feel were personally insulting or upsetting to themselves. I marvel at their ability to do this and I want to emulate them.
There are others who will start speaking in a way that's more like yelling or chewing someone out, and since they're addressing the camera, it can feel like I'm suddenly their kid and they're hollering or scolding me. At those times I tell myself, 'Thank God I'm not their kid,' and I have thoughts like, 'Their poor kids,' and now I tune into my body and notice if my blood pressure feels like it's going up, or if I'm tightening my jaw, or grinding my teeth, and if anything like that is happening I click off.
I get it that they're just playing out their programming and I'm not really taking it personally of course, but I'm finding that my body can still react as if I'm the one they're mad at. What a revelation that's been.
LOVE LOVE LOVE your videos. SUCH a good communicator. Great Job Mr. Wise and thanks for your wisdom!
Thank you kindly!
Detachment is hard but it works! I literally had a moment between my narcissistic/ alcoholic partner while watching this and I just CALMLY said “you can do whatever you want I’m just saying how it looks and I don’t like that” and he switched immediately from gaslighting to apologizing and answering the nice thing I had said (where he originally responded rudely) with a similar sentiment 😂 Thank you!
Where were you 🙌🏼I can’t thank you more , since my childhood i was honest expressing my authenticity even when I acted directly to others with kindness and respect , but only received blame shifting and calling me different 🤷🏻♀️.
Oh my Gosh where have you been for all those years !!!! I'm so sorry that you have been through for everything that you have been a!!!! Know your wotlrth and increase your value you are enough !!!
Thank you 🙏🏼.
@@dhuhaal243 anytime and of course !!! That's why knowledge snd education is b the keys to unluck millions closes doors etc !!!!
You are so welcome.
Thank you, Jerry. I can’t tell you how much your videos have helped me. We can learn, learn, & learn until our brain explodes, about narcissism, abuse. But if we don’t know how in the moment to have a grounded, mature response to these triggers we’ll live out our role as scapegoat eternally. It’s so very important to grieve and release toxic hope & empathy. I am not my mom, my mom is not me. I am not responsible for her emotions, loneliness or tantrums.
What an immensely valuable video right before the holidays where family of origin expectations are so fraught with stress for me and so many of your viewers. Thank you Jerry🙏🏼💕💐
With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I want to express how thankful I am for your excellent videos. 🐿🦃. Happy Thanksgiving Jerry!
You are so welcome Sheryl, have a wonderful holidays!
Watch your old videos that I feel I need. Taking notes and reflecting on how I will survive if I have to met my family. Thankyou
Thanks, Jerry!!! Very useful video!!!🤗
Glad it is useful Adriana, thanks for watching
My “adult” response COULD BE: i hear your difficult situation. But i do not have an answer to help you. OR. I would like to help you,but i have an appt i MUST keep, at that time. OR. I’m so sorry to hear about your painful experience. I sure wish i had (whatever) to help you.
Love this thank you ❤
I vividly recall the first time I did that with my mother, lol. It was on a phone call to say I wasn't coming home for the holidays, and not because I had to work, etc. I just wasn't coming. She flipped, I stayed super calm, flat affect, stayed that way no matter how much she worked herself up. It seemed to make her explode. She asked if I was in a cult, lol. She wasn't kidding. Not diving into drama equals cult, to her, lol.
I also did that with a terrible landlord who was a raging narc. Stopped fighting with him over heat and hot water, started calmly asserting my rights and not saying anything when he was screaming like a psycho. He eventually hung up, lol. Crazy can't handle calm, lol. 😂
The role playing is so helpful.
This is just what I needed to hear on this very difficult day.
Grateful and thankful for your message!
God bless 🌷 ❤
Jerry you are my favorite RUclips and in my top5 of favourite human beings. Bless you for these enlightening and liberating messages.
Many thanks!❤️
Awesome!!! Thank you, Jerry! I will need to listen and absorb many times to this discussion - reactivity is a problem for me...
You are very welcome Jennifer!
This video has saved me from future headaches when managing family relationships thank you.
I think these are the most helpful tips I’ve seen so far. Option C all the way
This is so good. Thank you.
You're so welcome!
Very practical approach
This video is from 2022, yet it still fits nicely in my recommendation feed, as of this comment.
Jerry Wise, you have no idea of the big help you are giving me. Especially because I do need to work on my reactivity and "feel-think."
Greetings from Brazil, 2024.
It's so incredibly difficult when they know all of your buttons and triggers and weaknesses.
How do you protect yourself from your abusive parent's grown-up Golden Child?
She knows and has always known how to hurt me to my very core.
Just like dear, old Dad.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thanks!
Doug you’re the best, thank you so much for your support!
@@jerrywise jerry you gave me something money can’t buy. I can be a person
There is no point being reactive or non reactive.Stay farway physically emotionally do not contact unless emergency . Choose to heal and create healthy long-term covenant bonds.
video is incredible!helps a lot, thank you
Glad it helped!
Such a fantastic video! I will be watching again as what you said had such power. Love the actual conversations and A,B, C options.
Glad you enjoyed it!
The tennis court metaphor is so so helpful. Thank you!
Jerry that was the BEST one you have ever done,,,,, you are on your best game,
This was so timely and helpfull, clear. Thank you
this was very useful, thanks !
Glad it was helpful!
This was such an excellent video and really spoke volumes.
Wow the quality of videos has become so much better, great editing skills. Love your content Jerry!
Very helpful responses! Appreciate your helping me toward health adulthood!
This may be the most helpful video I've ever watched on RUclips! Thanks Jerry, and also Thanks to my dear friend Jackie, for pointing me in your direction.
Thank you for actionable advice and helpful analogies for difficult emotional dynamics. This was a great video packed with clear examples and delineations to help us understand what might be happening that is unhealthy and what might be healthier and happier as an approach. The tennis court comparison was especially effective for my understanding. Your work and sharing is greatly appreciated. 😊
You truly live up to your name sir. Thank you so much. Your videos have helped me tremendously on my healing journey. 🙂
Thanks again Jerry. Very helpful.
You are very welcome!
Extremely helpful videos! Great glasses by the way!
Glad you like them! 🥸
Excellent advice! 👍🏻🙏🏻❤
Glad it was helpful!
@@jerrywise Very helpful. Thank you! 🎀
Thats where I always go wrong. I at some point lose my cool and tell them exactly what they did to me and its not ok. I tried not responding and not reacting, and my sister and mom still attacked me.
Thank you so much Jerry, I´m currently trying to have a relationship with my mother after 2 years of no-contact (and btw I am trying to do it not because I need it but because I want to recover, I want to stay connected while being me). My mother was supposed to visit me with my brothers this week and the only thing to set up was the time.The moment I found out I´d have two weeks off I called my mother to tell her that they can come within these two weeks and then she instantly came up with a different plan - she said ``ok, great, two weeks off, so hurry up, pack your things and come visit us..`` I responded that she was supposed to visit me with my brothers and then she started saying things that didn´t really make any sense,just blah blah, finally I said I will think about this (because it is true, plans changed, ok, so I need time to think about this, maybe I want to go there, maybe I don´t, maybe I can, maybe I can´t). I feel I finished the conversation staying loyal to me but honestly, it took me hours to process the emotions that appeared - the anger that 1. my mother feels entitled to plan my time (I do have two weeks off, I am not working but still I have some errands to run), and 2. putting pressure on me (hurry up) plus 3. the sweet talk of her (words of affection without actions, she said she was worrying about me the whole time, if she had been, she would have called me in the meantime). I still haven´t decided if I will go there to visit her or not. You always remind me that I do have choice, that I can choose to be me in every situation.
You can also choose to decide that you are much happier and healthier not being connected to your mother.
Don't go. If you go, it'll inadvertently teach her she *can* be this way with you, that she doesn't need to change because you'll always be the one forced to bend. People only learn when there's actual repercussion.
Do *not* go. 💕
She was being listened to when she was telling you she worried about you, she wants you to go to her so she is in control , don’t go is my advice,
I'm sorry you are going through this, I hope that my work will help you in your self differentiation and healing journey.
Your mom is too controlling. You must put your self first .
I just admire your approach Jerry. My nt giving negativity the 02 means I stand in my power and flow. I hope some more utube trauma coaches kno that as long as you can retaliate you stay enmeshed.
This video is SO GOOD 🎉🎉
Oh thank you so much Hammond
Thank you, Jerry. You're wise. I need to learn this.
You can do it! I'm glad the video was helpful
Fantastic video! A great, clear summary of the concepts in previous videos and more! The many examples of responses and the relating of your personal experiences are very helpful!
Glad you find my videos helpful, all the best!
Thank you Jerry W 😊 💓
You are so welcome Ginette
And don't go swinging your racket while everyone's on the same side then storm off the court lol
It is always nice watching your videos.. Learning who's side of the tennis court..
Thank you for always watching my videos and supporting my work. I'm glad my videos are helping you on your journey
Thank you, you are helping me so much with your videos❤ greetings from germany
You are so welcome!
thank you
You're welcome Nina
I have given a lot of mature responses and I still get a bad outcome. Ive had to cut contact all together with them.
Good stuff
Thank you
oh you are good.........and that is from my side of the net 😉
Oh thank you Gali, that is so kind of you. Thank you for watching and being part of the family
excellent
Thank you so much
How frequently do you recommend watching your videos? Should we practice concepts from one before checking out another?
Don't forget therapy if you can afford it.
@@RippleDrop. i'm there :)
Yeah, sure, okay. I grew with extremely narcissistic parents and siblings. I was the scapegoat. I learned to respond without having the typical hysterical reaction or behavior pattern my family expected of me. It would just make things 100x worse. They would explode and things went way beyond out of control.
I wouldn't explain things to them or get into arguments just be brief or talk about other things
Hello Jerry,
Could you please show scenarios on responding non-reactively to someone who continues to ask you a particular question over and over again because they desire an answer from you that fits their wants???? Thank you in advance if you are able to and this video is great (I took notes).
"Please come to the dinner" x 5 they ask
"Oh I think you must not think I heard the question".
(Calmly) "That's fine, but maybe you did not hear my answer, did you hear it? Maybe I wasn't clear, I did say "my preference was I did not want to come, but thank you for asking."
Keep responding this way (broken record) until they stop with their broken record of continuing to ask you over and over.
Calmly, non-reactively state, "Or it seems you may not be happy with my answer, that's okay, but it will remain the same, Sally"
Thanks for watching. Check out my online program, I teach and train for these neutral answers and staying non-reactive. THEN, the discomfort is not yours anymore, it will be theirs.
Thank you, Jerry!
Quick take away....
Well, I don't know that guy...
What's ur purpose in calling me stupid?
.. well I run the minutes in my life.
Thanks Jerry!
How to tell the difference between insecure over protective parents and narcissistic parents? Or how to tell if they have all the traits?
These videos can help you:
35 traits of a narcissistic parent:
ruclips.net/video/CfDgTfrpLyU/видео.html
Keys to overcoming narcissistic family rules:
ruclips.net/p/PLoYQTW09i3W1261nq3N8CHcZpWNPqT5XH
In THIS country, you have a 1st amendment right to believe as you do, but i, also, feel, as my 1st amendment right, to believe differently. (“Political-view”solution) no one has the (covert/overt) POWER to change another person’s opinion, heart-affections, perceptions of life, realize THAT, and find something else to do.
Jerry I need help
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*u5qw9z*_ga*MTQ2NTQ2OTEwOC4xNzE1NzA4NjM4*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxNjUyNjQ3MS4xMy4wLjE3MTY1MjY0NzIuNTkuMC4w
The people who are really, really toxic usually don't interact with professionals...
The examples given here are so weak... these toxic parents are still manageable, if you can talk to them....🙂
you have a real understanding of breaking down difficult subject like this in which i feel more empowered. will need to watch it again. much appreciated as always Jerry.
You are very welcome Kareem, thank you for always supporting