How Narcissist Betrays YOU to Become Himself (Compilation)
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- Опубликовано: 2 мар 2023
- This is a compilation of older videos that summarize the narcissist's dual fantasies: shared and betrayal. Online smear campaign rebutted: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/reb...
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You know that you are not the narcissist when you are able to watch these videos and deeply try to understand what’s happening. They will never listen to videos like this and if they do, it is to insult you. They hate the truth about themselves.
Not fully true imo. A Narc can very easily face they types of things as removed from himself. "Ah this is how inferior narcs work. Let me study these tactics to prepare for any conceivable countermeasure. But I am too good and too complex to be analyzed or put in a box in such a way"
❤ thank you!
@@FrontiersOfTheFuture ya, I think what the poster meant was you aren’t a narcissist if you can watch this video and not feel insulted or attacked.
The narcissist studying this video is coming from a place of self deprecation. They are only watching it because they want to hear what the world thinks of them, but has no intention of making any changes to themselves.
No man 😢😢😢😢 It must really suck being a narc
You are so perfectly correct 👌 Narcissists are self-loathing and manipulative!
These people appear to be so normal when we meet them but they are really not well mentally.
Indeed👍
@@indiesindie1984indeed, indeed. So true.
Correct!
I AGREE 💯
They are definitely missing a cog!
The first sign the flip has begun is the stare. You’ve done absolutely nothing and yet you wake up and they have a different look on their face you’ve never seen. Almost a disdain. That’s the first sign.
There's definitely something in their eyes! I swear I could see hatred at times.
What you saw was demonic and the only way to deal with this is through Jesus Christ and God's Word! It's not flesh and blood we fight against! Find GOD!
The cold stare of a predator…
I let the wolf in my house too.
I have stop dealing with people because of the stare.
I lived with those eyes for 26 years 😢
After a while, you start to notice a huge difference in their personality from when you first met them. The more comfortable they get, they will say things to let you know exactly who they are and what they are doing. When you are blamed for something or things that you didn't do, they are doing those things or feeling that way. Watch the actions and listen.
totally, and in between they even honestly say some comments which are their own truth but is sounds like he is joking and you hardly would belive is his true colors
It's strange, looking back it's so true 😮
I actually thought he might have multiple personalities after a few months
Stay alert
Absolutely!!! Now I know why his favorite book, was Calvin & Hobbes…. I never had an imaginary friend…. But his upbringing was horrific…. Never good enough or smart enough for his narcissistic Father …. And either being molested or being totally ignored by his Mother….. I feel bad for him.
I must say I'm okay with the narc getting stuck with my bad introject in his mind. It serves him right for trying to mess with my healthy brain... 👍👺🤡💩
The narcissist's mind is a haunted house! Love this Dr. Sam. Hall of mirrors 😢 Wow
This is so spot on. My husband of 17 years told me I’m just like his mother (who was strung out on drugs when he was little, would leave him and his brother for days at a time to get her fix). 🤨 I am nothing like his mother. I am a great mother to our kids and he envies that so much!
Also, during the discard phase, I asked for a divorce and he went into hiding mode inside the house. I couldn’t even talk to him about a possible amicable divorce. I finally had to apologize for all my wrongdoings and his response was he has prayed for this change in me lol. He told me the only reason why we were able to talk was because my approach was calm and I didn’t have an ego. It’s always me, me, me… always my fault!
I’m so over it!
This is what my husband did only I recorded him I was asking questions calmly about divorce and he would calmly tell me mean things . When I played the tape for his monkeys they were shocked
Trapped in a nightmare! Yep I was. You’re awesome Sam!
Lol sounds like a true narssasist
The classic “I prayed for you” line 🤮
Dr. Sam: I went through this with a female friend. We lasted as friends for at least 14 yrs. Not gay. Just friends bonded by a dysfunctional family system. She let me know about the new girl early on, without even realizing this. I saw this discard coming a mile away, months away. After degrading me, insulting me, etc. I am in the discard pile. At first, the grief was terrible. But now I see that it had to happen. I was on the way to being destroyed from the inside out. You are a revelation. Kudos to you for admitting what you did and your piercing honesty. You are helping me understand and recover. Keep going. I will be listening.....karen
Finally the King is back
💯 yes!!!!
@@belindacoppin31 Dont take my Ironie to seriouse
👌👌👌🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🥳🥳🥳
@@belindacoppin31 envy is a strong drug
👍❤
Exactly the way you describe, my husband of 32 years knew he has to leave his fantasy life (with his side trash in another city), and come back “home” as he called it, when his cancer got bad so I could take care of him during what turned out to be his last 4 months. I took great care of him even though he tried to destroy me on his way out, he lost. It’s now 10 months since he died, and I’m still dealing with the emotional mess of it all, however, peace and healing are slowly replacing chaos and torture now, it’s a good start
It's a hard journey......
💞
I pray for your peace
God give you strength 🙏
❤
I will never forget the moment when I hugged my ex narcissistic boyfriend, him sitting down, me standing up so his head was resting on my chest and then he said "MOMMY"... Cold chill went down my spine and I could tell something was wrong. After he discarded me I came across this lecture and I couldn't believe it, he really saw me as a mother, so amazing, everything said is spot on
That's so deep
Yup. I had one tell me "u love me like a mother loves their son" he said it several times. Super bizarre
Aww. That's so cute 😭. I need someone in my life like that 🙏
@@Azrael__ yes! I'm sure mystery devil would love to introduce y'all! That would be awesome
@@Azrael__ 🤣
He pushes her to cheat, be with another man, so he can excuse or rationalize himself in his own cheating ways
Also, so he won't feel guilty.
That way he can convince himself we are the bad ones.. therefore justifying his abuse.
Totally yes
Eroticized childhood trauma. The cuckold gets off on it all. Quite tragic!
I always felt that he accused me of cheating, which he always did, whenever I told him that I was unhappy in the relationship - he accused me of cheating, because he couldn't accept the possibility that I was not happy with him. Interest in another man was the only possible option in his mind.
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Not cheap to pay for that either. It's grocery money
What was found about him can you share one or two things that was discovered about husband on computer ?
They stole money from people. Metahub is not truthful. Don't call for it or their traps. It's a way to separate you from your bank account.
Metahub took $$. No service
Hi Praying for Us All that have been Shaken by evil
Narcissistic persons were like living tragedy. Wherever they perform , people cries
I've not been able to grasp why one of the last things he said to me was that he can't trust me anymore, and genuinely meant it, when he was the cheater. Now it all makes so much sense. Absolute lightbulb moment. Thank you.
Yes, they flip it. And, they do not trust anyone.
They can’t trust you anymore when you know the truth.
They don't trust themselves. Therefore, they don't trust others. It's just amazing to me the psychopathy of these people are all the same. Why is this?
I pray that in the near future, many begin to USE these videos to their advantage by being far into their healing process. This personality disorder is becoming the DOMINANT personality type.
This is so real
Yes
This is very true. Post 2020, I've realized that people pursue relationships with me to hash out their trauma of who I "remind" them of.
Ehhhh, no
Wow, even just at 7:14 I am totally shaken up. I remember our first year of marriage having so many arguments and fights and frequently I would tell him I don’t think you really love me. I think you love the idea of me. turns out I was right. Literally.
that is such a trip.
Yes, my ex H did the same thing.
My exact words to my ex narc, too. The idea.. I didn’t know that was so close to truth.
I said these exact words to the ex suspected covert Narc I had the displeasure of being entangled with. It’s actually one of the last things I said to him. “I am convinced you do not want me but you don’t want anyone else to have me because the hatred and disdain I feel from you on a daily basis when I don’t have a clue what I’ve done to be treated that way is not what love looks or feels like to me and because of that I’m moving on with my life.” His response was “the stories you make up in your head are wild. Goodbye.” That was all the gaslighting and answers that I needed.
@@meganpittman0615Much love and support to you. You're so strong.
My ex husband was obsessed with wanting me to have sex with others. I couldn’t understand it. First real explanation I’ve heard. Later, he constantly accused me of cheating. Which I wasn’t. But he was finally able to discard me for good over it. Which apparently was the point of the whole thing. Sick.
its so messed up! i
He kept asking me for a threesome but I wouldn’t so now he has someone who does and accused and deflected everything on to me and is now torturing our son
Mine ex did the same. He was only attracted to me sexually if I would date other men.
WOW! just like Sam's example...
I guess narcissists are the experts at destroying life, especially in themselves - even though they want to bring the most with them.
The whole idea of narcissists making people into avatars of either all good or all bad explains why they cannot interact with people interpersonally as they are, as imperfect/ perfect humans. Thank You Dr. Vaknin, for your very informative videos.
Good Lord! My last relationship was textbook! From initial idolization to eventually sadistically punishing me.
That poor young woman he has now is in for a rough ride. I will never understand why "friends" just sit back and allow him to treat women so badly when they know his history. People need to stop supporting these cowards.
I've said the same but have realized, as the saying goes, "Birds of a feather flock together." Narcissism is a spectrum and there are enablers who are usually also narcissists. I've survived narcissistic abuse a few times in my lifetime and am like a shield to the BS now. I help them by somewhat mirroring their behaviors and truly empathizing and calling them out in living conversations before I cut them and their toxicity from my life.
What you are afraid of, you study. I'm afraid of narcissists because they are the REAL zombies bringing the world to apocalyptic times. Hence, I continue to collect "case studies". I believe it's part of my life's purpose. ❤
I agree. My ex narcs group of friends and the community KNEW 100% that he was a narc and he had been through many women yet said nothing to me. I did get funny looks from time to time like there was something wrong with me (which there obviously is because i was dating him), but no fair warning as to what was to come....
I actually was warned by her "friends" but somehow ignored them. It took me two years to run away from her demonic abuse and been in therapy ever since. I realized I had to change my ways if I'm to avoid similar future encounters. I admit, as one of her friends told me, that I was "too nice for my own good". Tough lesson learned, never again would I help a girl, or anyone, who sob story me from the first day.
This is so true! My ex was so sick. The things he made me do then turn around and say how bad I was bc I did these things. He would always say “you’re going to leave, ask women leave”. Irony, hood evil mother used to say the same thing and laugh about it…laugh about me leaving him. She even told me that I love him too much. They’re so sick. The only solution is to run! They are always victims who use reactive abuse and get a high off of your reactions. They destroy everything good!
I’ve looked and got lost in that hall of mirrors, the narc gaze. It was an eye lock I could not escape. My life changed after that moment.
You can't come back to reality listen I had low self-esteem and low self confidence all my life and a narcissist abused me for 36 years look you are f****** worth it takes talking Who You Are you are wonderful just the way you are block him don't talk to him again and move on you deserve so much better I'm telling you life is short do not waste another moment thinking of him he does not deserve you
I watch your videos till the end every day ,i put my ear pods and listen to you when i relax in my bed or when i'm cooking , sometimes I listen to one video sometimes two to three , a lot of them I rewatch again and again to have a better grasp.
Same here ✌🏻
Self care❤
Same!
Same!
Me too. I'm still in my relationship and I'm learning so much!
This is is such an amazing deep dive. I watched my husband leave my house as we separated , throwing away most of his wardrobe ( costumes!) that he wore while we were married 10 years. He over the next few months radically transformed into a man I didn’t know ( his real personality),
And constantly showed everyone around us what he really was!
Wow🤔
Scary. I wonder how many of these trans metamorphoses has to do with hiding behind different masks. The whole talk about heteronormativity trans identity being the true self 😮
I have had that experience
My ex abruptly left and moved to a town with high poverty and rented an efficiency apartment in a one star motel….he always felt more compassion for struggling waitresses that he didn’t know than for the tired breadwinner. I knew right away inside that this was his real preferences….living in an old hotel eating in the restaurant seeking sex with the waitresses. When he left he peeled off his costumes and left every part of our identity behind.
SAME....HE REINVENTED HIMSELF & SHOWED UP THE REAL HIM AFTER 40 YEARS OF FAKING!!
These videos are really saving my sanity when I had nowhere to get answers. Thank you
I'm so grateful that I live alone in my post-menopausal years since I have tolerance for mind games at this point.
Same here!! Finally FREE fr all these crazy drama trauma chaos dysfunctional demanding needy codependent narcissists
Same :)
I'm with you sister ❤
This one was hitting the bases! I was faster than the coward. Got everything. Cheating consists of cheating myself. I held my head high before, during, and after. Yes, he is an ex now. Enjoying peace. Yay...
They live in such a world of delusion and fantasy. It seems to me that they are never in touch with reality.
AMAZING EXPLANATION FOR SUCH A MESS. Thanks. When my ex asked me to join in sexual acts with another my reply was...I am applying for Divirce. I moved all his stuff from our room and got a Lock fitted. Two horrible years of separation cohabitation was horrendous while he was in the guest room next door and Proceeded to Contact only by email. Of course i had suffered other forms of abuse during the 22 years of marriage. I was free of him in 2018. My fear is that allowing the adult children my new address. I feel worried? The fear that the " flying monkeys are as dangerous as him? " The sadness that i might never speak yo the boys again is very real! Narcisism is a real demonic mess:(
2 fucking hours , BRILLIANT thank you
It's disgusting, thank you for your knowledge for free
Seriously painful process being the devalued spouse after 40 years of what I thought was a good marriage!
How on earth could someone tolerate that bs for 40 years
I don’t know how anyone could sign off at just 8 minutes!! I cannot get enough of your videos!! I feel like I hit the jackpot when I discovered your channel a few weeks ago!!!
Thank you!!!!
Sam, you are very good at explaining the weird behaviors of a narcissist. I could of stayed with mine but his vulgar mouth and screaming and fits of rage combination with alcohol could not be tolerated anymore. If He would of kept his mouth shut, I could of handled it, he was on the road working most of our marriage but when he came home it was made up for lost time a nightmare. Freak
@@jenifernadeau beautifully said.
Mine too ! A raging alcoholic who could dish the most hateful vitriol but would always excuse himself when he was sober.
True
I knew my ex narcissist was getting rid to discard me when she stared deleting all our years of pictures in her google and amazon and apple photo library. I knew then to emotionally break.
Thank you so much, all the boxes have been ticked. I could never understand why my husband tried to encourage me to entertain another man. I was disgusted, I have standards, I wouldn't even open the door when this person knocked and knocked on the door. I always tried to excuse my husbands behavior, he had a tough upbringing, his mother was a bad example, he decided that women were dirt, and dirt was good for something.
I divorced him years ago, but the memories still linger. Our marriage was a nightmare. The internet was non existent back then.
This is very interesting. I remember Vaknin saying that Narcissists and Codependents are two equally sick sides of the same coin. I think this Betrayal fantasy is not limited to narcissists. I have been experiencing this but I am a codependent not a narcissist and definitely acted as a gate keeper trying to isolate and prevent the infidelity and betrayal when I sensed it but I think I have been unconsciously selecting mates that are likely to betray me (cluster b types). I originally thought it was because I had a traumatic childhood and had a higher tolerance for other wounded people or people that I subconsciously sensed were not able to love me any more than I felt loved in childhood but this idea that it may have been an effort to individualize from my mother who I recently discovered may be a covert narcissist may have some value to it.
Me too.
This has been my experience as well and my mother is an overt narcissist
Yes me too the whole thing is such a trip and trying to unravel it all and get yourself balance healthy minded
If you suspect your mother of being a covert narcissist, I think your insightful hypothesis is very accurate. Trust yourself here.
That’s great insight! 🎉❤
OMG!!!! Of all the videos I've watched, this explains my experience with narcissists most perfectly! I wish that I'd heard this 25 years ago. It would have saved me much earlier from my futile efforts to maintain connection with my ex for the sake of believing that he was capable of coparenting. It was years of enduring these cycles until my daughter was an adult.
Same same but they need their flying monkeys to do the dirty work .time waisters
My ex used to threaten divorce for very minor problems . I list all of my three sub,inns and he knew abandonment was a true trauma for me . He told me I was the sick one because all of my family had died . So, what did he finally do ? He kept shopping for a replacement woman and divorced me . He couldn’t wait to get rid of me . Sam’s theory of dumping wife as a way of separating from mom is interesting .
As a child of a Narcissistic evil mother, I was never love bombed. I was rejected from day one. She tried her hardest to get rid of me. Sent me abroad with relatives I never met for 3 months, tried to kill me to claim insurance upon my death but it failed, chucked me out at 11 years old into a children’s home. I was her slave and she beat me as such. It was hell on earth for years. I wasn’t who she wanted me to be. I was strong minded although completely fearful. I bided my time to have nothing to do with her. She harassed me so I called the police and reported my abuse. My siblings never backed me, so I suffered in vain. She stayed away from me ever since. This was the desired effect.
You made it! You are here, you are very smart and will help many people. Thank you for your courage and showing us how to persevere..
Daughter of a narcissist father here and it really sucked too. We are survivors. My older siblings didn’t support me either and i even had one show up at the courthouse when me and my two younger siblings were taken out of the home and she was threatening me in court. I told my attorney and she told the judge and the judge made her and her husband and baby leave the court house. I still have no idea what my dumb sister was doing there because she had been in foster care when she was a teen also. Strange how you can have the same parents but some will forget how bad it was because it’s too painful to remember and the mind will pretend to preserve itself. I’m with you. You keep your head held high and keep moving. They are the ones with issues. ❤
This sounds like my sister’s story, except she is still clinging to our mother and vying for her affection and approval. It’s pathetic.
It has also shed a LOT of light on my own behaviour within relationships, and I'm glad you told me to listen past the 8 minute mark, because I'm one of those with the attention span of a moth 😂
You and narcissist share a fantasy of compassionate love. You are now in a space of the relationship where the narcissist sees you as a figure like mother to retaliate against as in like a child that is passive and aggressive and combative against you and see you as disposable. To remove themselves from the relationship discard you as they see you as a mother figure and to abandon the relationship. As in like a child/teenager that runs away from home. The narcissist sets their own self up in the thoughts and conspired plan to dump you. The narcissist experiences a lot of anxiety and depression as well as fear to discard you as they see you as a mother figure. They must get rid of you in their mind and pursue another "shared fantasy" with another partner as they chase their ideal partner.
The narcissist sets their own self up as they are unable to find piece and contentment about the dynamic of the discard of you. They do not forget and they do realize their pattern of psychological deficits and discard is abnormal in nature. As they see their pattern is harmful and unlike other relationships as they see other people's relationships in a mixed fantasy. They continuously set out to find this ideal fantasy and realize while in the relationship that all is not well as in like other relationships they perceive and fantasize about as they see it complete and at resolve.
It does not matter what type the mother is either loving or abusive, but the narcissist sees and reacts to the mother with disdain and hate. The narcissist is on a road of defeat and setting their own self up in thoughts of getting away from the offensive person in the relationship, which results in discard by the narcissist. On with the chase to acquire the mixed fantasy with another person. To set up a fantasy and repetitative preconceived idea and thought out plan of set up a manuplative triangulation objective and organized plan to discard which is a premeditated plan by the narcissist. Shame and guilt sets in and the narcissist is offended by this as they see shame and guilt as bad and is offended by this as they see it as worthless and of no substance to their life. Mixed fantasy, offended, splitting, and discard.
Basically, you are dealing with a 3 year old child which results in borderline behavior and covert and vulnerable narcissist. Reality and the ways of the world is offensive to the narcissist and since so the narcissist is offended by this and reacts harshly to the partner as their mixed fantasy is not concise with the ideal image of their partner becomes offensive to the narcissists being.
The betray fantasy can include a vary avenue of betrayal such an relationships with others to include children, family, and friends as well as getten counseling. The narcissist sees all of this as offensive and set you up for discard, because they see that you nonlonger possess their idea of the mixed fantasy and feel you abandoned them as they feel their mother did. Not necessarily in a bad way, but the mother and father, as well as other family not being attentive enough and serving their mixed fantasy needs and wants. Parents and family not fulfilling their unrealistic ideas or needs. The narcissist sees this as a betrayal fantasy. Parents and family since childhood have not performed as they wanted. The narcissist holds this idea from childhood until adulthood and this is an everlasting pain and injury to the narcissist. The narcissist carries feelings of abandonment eventhough this is not true from 3 years old until adulthood the narcissist holds this so called pain to be forever unresolved and unrealistic idea. Parents, grandparenrs, and siblings is never enough attention to the narcissist, eventhough the parents and family was attuned to their every single need. Another mixed fantasy the infant narcissist child carries with them forever. They see the family betrayed them and did not own up to the bargain. They carry hate and resent toward the family as they were not dotted upon enough. The family did not meet their expectations as the narcissist as very unheard expectations as no family can meet.
I’ve experienced all that and more.
Your comment is helping me make sense of my traumatic break up with my second husband - from a man I thought I would never leave lol - who was, after ten good /I thought/ years, inappropriate with my adult daughter while I was out of town for work. Upon reflection, I see now how the love bombing at the start creates an unsustainable fantasy in interpersonal relationships. And I didn't know what to do about the subtle intuitive "something isn't right" feelings that would bubble up. I do own going along with it all for so long. He used his power to hurt.
In addition to that, I now see that I was the big jerk egomaniac narcissist in my first marriage! Awful! and never again! So much devastation I caused. So much learning to do in "earth school"!
@shelbiss9562 Glad to know my comment helped you to make sense of it all. I'm also glad to know you got out and hope it stays that way. Please don't ever go back as you know these type of relationships are destructive as narcissists take away your peace of mind.
Omg, this is exactly what people do about me! Then when they see I'm the person I am and not whatever perfect thing they perceived me to be, they get confused and actually feel let down - by me!! 😂 It's happened with bosses, and just whoever. In my mind I'm like, 'where'd they get that idea from - not me.'
Mine claimed I was insecure and didn’t trust him (how dare me) when he was doing the shady behavior. I know I hurt him deeply when I told him he had crossed a boundary and it was a dealbreaker for me. He didn’t expect it. His response was rage and boy was it traumatizing. I didn’t think he was even talking to me. I thought he had slipped back into a traumatic time. I saw how wounded he was and the words coming at me I thought were what he felt about himself. He told me I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what I wanted, and was really really sick and needed help.
Good observation. I need to detach from a father who is using me for my empathy and "understanding".
40years,
The "you don't even know who you are" what? Ugh
Me too☮💚💙💜❤💕🦋
He was actually talking to himself. They are the masters of Projection.
Wow wow wow!! Dr. Vaknin never ever have i heard anyone unpack the development and signs and symptoms with this precision of insight! You deserve a standing ovation! Please do part 2. Thank you!
This is the most fascinating subject that I wish I never had to understand. How are they all textbook examples? Fascinating. Mine actually warned me, but I was clueless while she was warning me about.we think we can save these people as they are plotting to destroy us.
FYI. I always listen to the end of your videos. You have saved my emotional life. Thank you ❤
I will listen for the full duration. Love your work Sam thank you in advance 🙏🏻 my narcissistic ex is still emeshed with his narcissist mother at 38 years old 😖i swear she is the devil himself.
Im definitely on this spectrum and dealing with my wofes BPD at the same time. This information is helping me to become more conscience of this way of thinking and i hate it. Im doing mybabsolute best to make changes.
This is CRAZY how accurate he is. This person in my life is textbook narcissist. This is scary shit.
😳 WOW , WOW, WOW..... I now have a better understanding of my ex & divorce. Insane to think about now that I've listened to you. Thank you for sharing. I knew he was a narcissist but I didn't understand the intimate thinking behind what he did. This was eye opening! 😮
Only a narcissist would blame the audience for not staying to the end LOL
hahaha
I was thinking the other day only a narc would go on and become a leading expert in the study of…. Narcissism 🤣
I knew my ex 4 years before we got together. He always talked about being a feminist and caring about women being equals. It wasn’t until I lived with him I realised he didn’t believe what he said whatsoever. He wanted me to work full time and bring in money for him to spend and he wanted me to do all the housework. I now wonder if he was treating me like his mother. Interestingly, after we parted he ended up living back with his parents and has been there for the best part of a decade. I never hear from him unless he wants to tell me how rubbish I am.
This sounds like how my ex treated his wife yesrs previously. Friends for years beforehand, yet I now realise how much she probably went through with him.
It was all her fault of course. He really plays on being a victim, yet it's his behaviour.
Wow! This is powerful! Mine didn't happen quite like this, (he cheated and new supply "stole" him) but yes, the rest makes so much sense! He only wanted a mother figure and I never gave him that. I don't know how we lasted 23 years. He actually was more like a parent figure (my mother) to me. Doing everything"for" me. But I knew there was something odd about him. Then...lol, I thought wow, his new supply sure looks a lot like his mother did when she was younger. His weirdest request was for me to rub his head when we went to bed. I didn't comply bc I thought it was repulsive to me. Too weird. He was very controlling like his mama was. What a tangled mind.
@Karla mine always wanted his head rubbed as well!
Very interesting. I provided stability for the covert narcissist. I probably mothered him as I look back. He was a very weak individual inside- spineless- a coward really.. There is a huge sex element there as well. He is a porn addict . He got fired from a very important job-he said because of doing porn on the work computer. He had affairs it turns out- all covertly, and set life up to where he was out of town all the time. The only thing I knew about on the day of the discard was him losing his job. Everything else was hidden from me in a masterful way. I was completely deceived, betrayed and duped. The whole relationship was a lie I now know.
❤️🩹🫂
I had so many red flags. But at the time I wasn’t sure what it was. But could sense something was off about him. But thought I somehow could fix that. LOL found myself always looking for some redeeming features. Then it was too late I was vested.
I cannot thank a person for their misery and yet here I am in awe and full blown acceptance. In light of this I refuse to be bitter and in turn back on course. Life is too short. This emptiness ,after none if it worked , is debilitating at times. If I can long for something so extremely I too have the driving force to use that for something better.
I understand that they can’t really attach and can’t really detach.
Yes!
This video is FASCINATING! Brilliant insight! Thank you, Prof. Vaknin for your work and helping us understand the counter intuitive mind of the narcissist!
Oh! 13.33 That's profound! I've not heard it phrased in quite that terminology before. That explains the entire Idealisation, Devaluation,Discard routine. 1. Idealisation. 2. Dual Mothership. 3. Mental Discard. Now,it all makes sense,in a sad and twisted way. Having insight makes healing much easier. Thank you.
By far the best explanation I’ve ever heard. I’m only at 20 mins and this is exactly what happened in my relationship. Many profound revelations that make my experience make sense to me for the first time. Brilliant!!!
Yah! I am thinking, Sam, how do you know so much about my experience? Shocking to me that what I experienced is actually a pattern experienced by others. Your presentation has helped me better understand what I experienced. Thanks.
Narcissist want you to become them so then they become you.
So true. In there mind if your the evil one then they have to be the good one. There black and white thinking is horrendous.
What does the narcissist do when the partner does NOT betray them and actually stays loyal to the narcissist?
They have other supplies who they can hurt. They will spend time away from the main victim
??,iv totally been loyal faithful wife,we met at 17/18 married at 22 no idea's until 2nd child 10 years later then came huge issues he lost actually walked away from a business leaving us really stuck just after our son was born then the pornography started my fault of course babies, cut to Xmas 2023/24 I found out he's been habitually cheating with anyone meeting in car parks on his very doorstep ,on reflection I been in devalued phase for some weeks very abusive and the dreaded stare of complete phycho when all you said was goodnorning. Betrayed and discarded on Xmas day abusing his own Kids blaming and shaming them for just breathing just over a week now no contact and having to fully realise what effects he has had on us all. May I stay strong for them x
It's the constant hope that they will change that beats me. They stay miserable, mean, ugly, derogatory all the time.... they just do not change. It's relentless. 😢
@@nicolayoung7973Discarded Xmas day 2023 too after 20 years,was experiencing the stare like i was transparent...thank god he's stayed away just hard to recover from the abuse.
Ignore us until we’ve had enough and leave? At least, that’s what happened in my situation… his supply is mainly from the college he works at and other ‘friends.’
I was in the devaluation stage but noticed it quick enough to get out before things got any worse.
he needs to understand himself as an abuse victim , break the stockholms syndrome, and separate from his mother
Impossible to accomplish.
Never would I NOT listen to the end ❤
These videos are the only thing getting me through this discard right now. I have put up with so much in the last 16 years and yet feel so heartbroken and that I am losing my best friend.
honey, your best friend does not want to see YOU dead. just Stop!
My twin brother is married to one of these entities. She is exactly how this video describes a narcissist. He is a slave to her. Finally he is divorcing her after 15 years and three messed up kids. It’s a tragedy.
Im only 21 minutes in and I am already cringing. Over the last 8 years, I went from perfect pet, to literally becoming a mother, to the shit in his shoe. When we got married while I was pregnant, that very night I saw the shift. There's so much in-between then and the betrayal last year when he publicly humiliated me, isolated me almost entirely, and was trying to get me to leave. I got sober, got a job (he DID not want me to get a job), and while I was physically recovering from my addiction and the seizures I had from quiting cold turkey, he had his brother come into our home and degrade me and name call me and cuss me. When I would react, he would tell me to leave and get high. I refused to play his game. As soon as I regained my strength, I immediately got a job. If im not home when my shift is supposed to be done, he will accuse me of cheating or doing drugs. I have never cheated on him. In fact, I have become completely disgusted by the thought of sex, I would probably be unable to actually engage in infidelity, if I would attempt it. Intimacy has become non existent this past year, and when he and I do engage I am unable to... Yeah. Which he takes very personally and adds to the insecurity and assertion that I must be seeing someone on the side.
I know he is plotting the divorce. When that subhuman scum, unalived his wife and daughters, my husband became obsessed with the story for months, until I expressed that I was feeling uncomfortable and I didn't want to hear that things name at all, ever. He took me off his insurance two years ago and makes too much for me to apply for medical insurance. He has unpersoned me, separated me from his mind, and only wants me to be obedient and dependent on him. He is very much a covert narcissist and I didn't even know that term until last year. Both of my parents are grandiose narcissists, I can recognize a typical grandiose, but I was woefully unprepared for the tortures of a covert. There is no physical abuse really. He broke a door and grabbed my arm while I was holding our 2 year old daughter and I looked him dead in the eye and said slowly and deeply "You better remove your hand immediately". He did, but he left a bruise. I photographed the door, and my arm, and sent it to my best friend who lives halfway across the country, where all of my friends and family are so that if I ever needed that for evidence I would be able to produce it. Two months ago he downloaded a pdf of the Dissolution of Marriage Form. We have not been arguing, but he is distancing further and further. Up until last year, I would have never thought he would do this to me, I trusted him.. well enough, to not see the turmoil that was about to unravel. I firmly believe he is capable of anything now. I can do nothing right, I always have an attitude and treat him like crap (I bring him coffee every day after I drop off the kids). I have never name called or threatened to leave or lock him out or put the kids in the car and pretend to take off. In the very beginning, I told him, "You don't hurt those you love, no name calling, hands, or threats. Those are acts intended to cause pain, I won't threaten to leave, I will just leave, I wont call you names because I find no use of it other than to degrade someone, and I will never raise my hands to you. If it's to that point, I will just leave." He love bombed me for a year and once I became pregnant and we married, he knew my leaving would be very difficult to do, especially since I live 1000 miles from my home town where any support could be called upon. Its like being buried alive. I can't claw my way out, I'm slowly suffocating, and so long as I dont fuss I won't have to stay awake at night because I don't know what to expect.
Get out, secretly. Go back to your hometown near friends and support. You can get a job there. See if there is a support shelter for abused women in that town you can go to with your child they have beds to sleep in
You don't need or deserve this horrible behavior. Don't let him know where you are or go to a different town near yours so he doesn't figure it out. Please save yourself and your child
This is played out,in the Netflix Series You ,of which there are four series.
Excellent video, Sam. Thank you. If i am understanding correctly in your first video you are discussing the overt/malignant narcissist. Your second topic is about the covert/vulnerable borderline narcissist. This type of narcissist can also display outburts of rage and violence violence. I believe all narcissists share some of the same traits of behavior.
It would be greatly appreciated if you could do a discussion on the dotting and enabling mother and father and how this can produce a golden child narcissist or a covert vulnerable borderline narcissist.
Sam videos are simply amazing!!!
I remember when my narc ex actually encouraged me to find other sexual partners he made it like, it was no problem at all. Weird.
After I left my narcissistic husband I found out he had been trying to set me up with this other man to have sex with this other man, and my husband said he wanted to stand at the window and watch this man have sex with me. I had never had sex with another man and I never understood why he was offering my body to this other man. And I still don't understand it. He was cheating on me and he got another girl pregnant, and I found out about her. So I left my husband. I had 4, Children to my husband because he wanted 4 children. He hoovered me back after 5 months seperation, and he was verbally abusive to me. And if I wanted to go to bed early he would smash up the walls of the house, and try to choke me. So I waited untill he went out at night and left with the 4 children.
Thank you for continuing to share your unparalleled expertise with us.... I love the longer videos and am really looking forward this one.
Absolutely after three years in learning this getting a grasp of it threw you in a psychotherapist I have learned more than I ever wanted to learn but I'm grateful so I don't make the same mistake and I listened to your videos even if it takes me two days all the way through thank you
What you say is consistent with what I experienced when I had a romantic relationship with a narcissist. Sadly, it took me 3 1/2 years to realize that she was a narcissist, but when I figured it out she instantly discarded me. Super confusing. Super hurtful. It took me 10 years to find videos like this so that I could finally get the understanding I needed to heal. Thank you for your videos.
I listen to all of your lectures. All the way through. You have my full attention 🙏🏻
Omg everything makes sense now to me. Thanks to you, Professor Vaknin. I feel like you know what I’ve been through for 25 years in my life with my Ex husband 😢❤
In my case my narc husband refused to work and participate in responsibility and he made me the man of the house, making me pay for every single thing for both of us. On top of that stealing huge amounts of money from me and putting his hands on me whenever I confronted him on his behavior (also phisically attacking him). Whenever I told him I was tired he immediately responded that "he knew I was a cheater,a bitch just like my mother" and that " he wouldn't mind looking at me if I had to fu*k another man in our bed" 😖. This made me go insane because cheating is not in my moral vocabulary and I've never did, nor gave him any reason to doubt. But he was soo adamant. When he started acting very abusive I threatened to call the cops and press charges and he told me to "go ahead! " and "he knew I am a snitch and I would betray him" he encouraged me several times and acted more and more abusive. When I snapped and did call the cops and did press charges he acted like a whole victim saying "he knew he was pushing me to do it but he didn't believe I would actually go ahead and call the cops". So now I am the "bad wicked and unfaithful unappreciative wife while" while he is the poor victim of "my crqziness". The worst thing is that part of me actually believes him.
I’ve been with mine for 6 yrs now and I finally called the cops starting last year. Kinda goes with the theme of this video, it aided in my devaluation. We have a beautiful life, healthy people would agree. ❤ you are not that person just like I’m not
Its a very long process & dont forget it is designed to torment your good nature and make you question yourself at every turn.
Uncanny how similar your story is to mine. Wanting me to pay for everything and wanting me to do all the housework. Drama every time I challenged him. Accusations I was cheating when I wouldn’t even have had the energy.
I hope you’re ok ❤️❤️
I had to pay for most everything too lost 10,000 on him less than 1 year, divorced after 7 months, just a liar and a coward.
You just saved my life.
Thank U Professor Vaknin for Your briliant work. It helps so mamy people. I wondered, why the narcisist can't devalue his own mother instead of her figure in all those Women. I could also See this Dynamic in my marriage. His mother owned him. He could not separate from her. And she was like jelaus of me,his wife. He starter to devalue me as I got Birth to our child. Our Daughter was born with a joint failure and had to be operated. He said he want produce more criple and left our bed.Eventually he left me and his doughter and came back to his mommy and I divorced him.
Is it like a hoarder? They don't need the object anymore, but it had value ones, and it might have value in the future again?
The narcissist could begin to re-idealize and Hoover old supply
@@marilynmonheaux6356 tht is what could happen, if it wasn't revealed by that time.
I am in the middle of this now, with my son's father attempting to discard me by painting me as a bad mother to our son through the courts as I initially discarded him and he moved on but he is struck with me as I am his son's mother. But this explains alot of how he keeps trying to come back to me but, I know it'll always end up in discard plus I see the possessiveness and the ' godliness' he tries to portray externally. This explains so much thank you for sharing.
Once When I didn't know about Narcissism yet. I told him "I don't wanna be your mom" . He repeated "you don't wanna be my mom" and looked at the other side showing disappointment.
I ve never forgotten his reaction but also I never explored asking about his attitude. Well, it would have been pointless. He would just make up any lie
Sam you are 1000% correct, me ex wife was a covert, who would always point out that certain friends of hers , sometimes family members, where open to hooking up... I never did it, but wondered why she would constantly try to promote that activity... I am a fan of yours for a year now, this video is one of your best !! Thank you... I knew it was a setup lol...
It was such a blessing to come across this video today. So glad I continued to watch it to learn more how I was set up and why I heard bits in pieces but this was the whole shabang!.. I am floored right now I never cheated sexually but I would befriend the opposite sex he would then interfer and try to reward me with gifts like for bad behavior or something then when he has me back he changes again then start bringing things up. He never wants to go away if I'm such a bad person why you keep coming back I ask him he jus gets quiet. Ok now I see why it was all a set up oh wow!
This is deep!!! You are so much fun to listen to, Dr. Vaknin! 😉
Oh wow I was his mother and he could never separate from her.
"Please.... don't slip into the victim role", she said.
The best thing I've ever heard about the narcissist functioning. 👌🏻
This is a brilliant explanation of the nature of the beast Professor Vaknin. Thank you!
Why don’t we learn those personally disorders at school like sex Ed ? In order to avoid pain and trauma
I guess our human experience isn’t meant to be perfect .
I hopefully will integrate those theories and learn from those experiences and break the circle to recognise what is right and good for myself and to teach my kids to avoid those individuals in intimate relationships .
By listening those videos I am starting to integrate a new understanding and something within me is sinking in .
I just got from a narcissistic relationship and listening to your video proff. Vaknin, make all sense to me, hardly believe I let him charm me in his mind games, thank you
Thank you, Professor Vaknin. This compilation lined things up in such a way that at last, I made sense of the last lengthy conversation between my former husband and myself. The one in which he told me that he knew he had abandoned me early on, and had pushed me towards other men, all on purpose, and had knowingly starved me to death emotionally after isolating me from nearly everyone around me. He was quite proud telling me all of this. Through the years I have done a lot of work to understand because I just did not get it, or what was behind it--until today when I watched and listened. He made all of the relational failure about me and my failures, of course. I understand now that yes, while I was there, and an "interested party" legally speaking, what he did actually had nearly nothing to do with me, or who I was, which, at this point, I am convinced he didn't know at all, except for having correctly identified me as an unaware target of value. While I hold myself responsible for agreeing to and perpetuating a failing and failed experience, I understand that so much of WHAT I thought was my fault in the relationship really, truly wasn't, and WHY.
A form of mental illusion... Like Narcissio... Looking into the water.
Cou
Beyond logic
Life changing knowledge to depersonalize the behavior of the narcissist.
Professor Vaknin, I , personally, do not tend to sign off, until your videos have reached their conclusion. I tend to add them to my Kindness Project or Healing From Narcissistic Abuse playlists on my RUclips channel,prior to the end of the video,but I DO watch them ,in entirety, as they are invaluable resources to dealing with these unhealthy individuals. Thank you for producing and uploading your content,free to access. Your sadonic,sometimes brutal,sense of humour is a real treat !
You always have my attention until the end. You're my best friend and yet we've never met. I wish my loved ones would watch your videos.
Exhausting !!!!!😮
Truthfully you say people can watch this for 7-8 mins I enjoy these back to back to back, I’ll take breaks but it’s like 7-8 minutes, I don’t mind going back even an watching the whole video over if I didn’t get things,I’m Glad I found your page.
Dr. Vaknin, I watch all of your videos to the end! Yes, thanks to my wonderful Mommy I was trained very early and have earned a deep attention span. I love lectures and am convinced they are the best way to learn. Thank you for sharing your pristine work. You have explained the mystery of my abnormal relationship perfectly. I fell for a narcissist because I believed his grandiosity was legitimate self-confidence. But now 7 years later, I can see plainly, his dramatic, over-loud, style of talking and engaging which is extremely forceful, grand, dynamic is not because he’s interested in the listener, or that he is sharing a meaningful part of himself, or that he has an captive audience (although an captive audience is required)-his joy and rapture comes directly from talking about himself…pure unadulterated GRANDIOSITY.
I could listen to you, Mr. Sam Vaknin from now to eternity. Your delivery is so thorough. You tell how and why they can be so hartless without a thougt. They didn't have a good mother.
Thank you for doing this. It's more like we hear the same thing over and over... We know what they do...we want to know how or why they do it and how they might be helped. I don't believe they cannot change. With work they can. I think it's based on emotions that have not been learned or taught by a healthy emotionally intelligent person.
You are ringing some bells. Decades ago long before all this abuse was defined and popularized, I turned to therapy to sort it out, I remember describing my relationship with my Narc as me feeling like I was baked, sliced and served for consumption. I still feel like a bowl of leftovers, lol.