So true, and when you assert boundaries that benefit all parties involved. And keep the same boundaries. They call you difficult and twist it to your being vindictive and posing the boundaries only because youre angry. Its like 7 years of proof goes out the window. And because we may have been easy in the past where it worked and we bent. The second we see the game they play and keep the boundaries. We are now "crazy" and need mental help.
So true, i had to go get back on a serotonin/norepinephrine uptake because i numbed out too much. Pattern is- in 9 months the meds will make me sick once my chem factory re stabilises. And then weene off for 2 months. I wonder if theres another treatment for pnad. Like staying on for 2 week doses etc because this wont end at least severity until theyre 18.
The first time after i think 5 years of the abuse back in 2019/2020 i went no contact. He showed up to my work. Got the kids from day care. Drove by my house. And called for mental health checks 3 times. The courts and gal do nothing a d are complicit. - its "normal"
Staying minimal contact and doing yellow rocking. Has less consequences i learned from that time frame. I asked since then for an application or mediator/ court appointed application. Where every thing is accessible on one app and court approved. Its now 2024 and because of pulling my daughter out of an abusive situation in school. It got put in "and turned on me" lol
When you expose them, they go no contact to escape the harsh truth you represent. They simply can't handle it; reality inflicts a narcissistic injury, sending them retreating back to their fantasy world. They avoid you at all costs because you embody the TRUTH-and for them, truth is like holy water to a vampire.
Ya, mine totally changed and blamed me for not just going along with this new self-centered persona, a person I no longer knew, no questions asked. I don't think I ever really knew him. A tragedy, 11 years lost.
Great answer!! how I saw it too when both people do it, And there are several different reasons why people do it in family situations or friend groups!
@@dontbelongherefromanother Your name is funny, I would have used that when my mom asked me why haven't you talked to your brother, I would have told her, he is in the air headed to another planet I don't belong here either.
Bingo. Narcissists do not know how to love. It is all about control, dominance and power over. so when they go no contact it is for very different reasons than when we go no contact
My covert narc disappeared when I exposed him, his betrayal, and his double life. I guess it was because of the narcissistic injury I caused to his ego with this exposure. I no longer admired him or his perfect image, and he tried to avoid me (reality) at all costs because I was speaking the truth, ruining his fantasy about how moral and righteous he is. He crawled back with crocodile tears two weeks later, begging for forgiveness, playing the victim, and all that theater. They are weak and rotten creatures... I am healing now 🙏🏻 Wish me luck!
I feel rage for the both of us, because this was my exact story too with a covert one and I'm still paying the price mentally, physically, financially, socially and spiritually after trying my best to never fall into that trap again. I wish you all the luck you need in this journey.
What I love about the healing process is that through healing, we get an opportunity to extract and appreciate all the good qualities we developed in ourselves to deal with the narc’s bullshit. It’s time to appreciate your light without some sad man baby, or woman baby in my case, blocking your glory 😂
They start lining that person up the second they think they have complete control and start to get bored (they’ll start punishing you here pretty severely to keep you in line), and then start to really pull the trigger on kickstarting with that relationship once you call them out in a way that causes them narcissistic injury.
When a non-narcissistic person goes no contact with a narcissist, the narcissist will try repeatedly to contact you. When they are unable to make contact, they will start contacting family members, friends, and your job... They will begin their smear campaign in hopes of ruining your relationship with them. When they see they can't get anywhere with the people they've tried to turn against you, then they will start trying to contact you again. Getting a narcissist out of your life is not an easy thing. It is never easy to know you are hurting anyone, but it is necessary sometimes.
Perceftly put, that is the vicious cycle, and it can leave the person who was trying to salvage their sanity (by going no contact with their abusers) feeling absolutely hopeless because that aspect of it will never end
this is true. I've been separated with my narc husband for more than four years and just last year he tried to get back with me but I just ignore him. when he didn't suceeded in getting my attention, he made himself a victim by getting ignored by me and contacting my relatives. like WTH, is his problem, lol. then recently he stopped contacting again which was a huge relief for me. when he gets bored again, he'll come back for sure but I'll just ignore him
See these kinds of stories make me wonder about my experience. My abuser has a TON of similarities to narcissism. He openly talks about how he views relationships as transactional, he gaslit me multiple times to my face, changing his story as soon as someone else was around, and openly told me he gets anxious and tells people what they want to hear. Told me he knew I didn't deserve any of it and he knew he was unethical, but he got what he wanted and didn't want to feel guilty and said the only thing he wants from our relationship was my money. But he didn't try to actively pursue me. He just got what he wanted and moved on. He does lie about me to others, but he mostly just uses people to get what he wants and then discards, rather than having a victim he latches on to
My goodbye is a forever goodbye, theirs is a goodbye until they can use me again. We offer growth and investment, they offer games and tricks, on themselves mostly. 😑
Went no contact after 13 years of abuse …I finally moved out last week and he left my apartment a week later …now I am safe 😓it was devastating but necessary
Sometimes you have to trim most of the dead weight off of the tree, and it looks ugly for a while, until it sprouts again, healthier and stronger. Never let anyone into your space again, having to leave your OWN apartment should be enough of a lesson.
I've been gone for like 50 some days I wanted to talk to her!! I'm 500 mi away❤ but every time I talk to her it ruined my day.. I'm going to be honest I just wanted her to know how beautiful and good my life was and what she could have had if she wanted to be "normal" I'm a provider and protector by nature (childhood lol) I forgive you I just want friendship 🖐️ she text me back hey I forgive you too😳😆 I LOST IT!! Let me first say it started off by when she would text me and think I would have time to talk to her something would always "come up" she would have to text or call me later it would drive me crazy and then I figure it out 😳 and I tell her all this BTW 😂 I ALWAYS SAY OKAY HERE IN REALITY... I said you're doing this on purpose!! You're not working (lying about all of a sudden working after 9 months)😂 I WOULD SAY YOU'RE SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER IN THE SHED (THINGS I KNOW THAT SHE WOULD DO AT CERTAIN TIMES OF THE DAY) 😅 I KNEW SHE WAS DOING ON PURPOSE FINALLY FINELY I BLOCKED HER! But since I'm coming back home with only a couple bags of clothes and the animals I've been doordashing so I can find a job! Sitting in the car waiting for orders makes you think! I'm a waitress and I have a full-time job starting tomorrow so it's going to get easier for me!! I HOPE YALL STAY IN REALITY!! YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN GET AWAY YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER I PROMISE!! SLEEPING IN MY CAR GETTING WATER OUTTA CREEKS FLOWING FROM THE MOUNTAIN❤ to finding a good little spot on this cuz I'm back home and I have one thing here MY REPUTATION MY DIGNITY INTEGRITY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOMAS!! YALL CAN DO IT❤
Unfortunately the journey is just beginning. Keep walking away. It will feel like your on a treadmill and never moving forward. Don’t look back, just keep walking, just keep walking….Eventually you will look up and realize the treadmill turns into a beautiful quiet country lane with flowers and birds singing. Keep looking ahead for the flowers.
Congrats! Now get prepared for the aftermath. Either the goal of getting you back on the roller-coaster or lashing out and bringing you down to depressed,deflated and defeated. They're a real-life nightmare! The power of God or your higher power will help 🙏
When I went no contact, I became full of fear and anxiety. I cried and cried. I was flustered and angry. I started self harming and sickness. Things have died down a bit, however I still feel afraid because I know what them people are capable of. I want no parts of them anymore.
Please seek therapy and work with your doctor to regain your health. These relationships flay you, and you need help in healing, emotionally and physically.
My mom after confronting her about her behavior, went no contact and when that didn’t work she then sent a text that Mother’s Day was cancelled. We will not respond. She is hoping that this will get us back under control. It will not work. I have more peace than ever.
BABY,IVE BEEN NO CONTACT FOR 6 YEARS IN JULY!! GREATEST, GREATEST DECISION EVER. And guess what,I'm never returning, EVER!!! LOVE YOU ALL.................IF I CAN DO IT,SO CAN YOU.
One thing about ‘no contact’ that’s been hard for me is having friends support me when I go ‘no contact’ with an abusive ex, but not support me when I chose to go ‘no contact’ with abusive family. I’m very thankful for my therapist ❤️
This is why you typically don't end up knowing very many people if you go all in with purging all toxic types of people from your life.Narcissistic types AREN'T the only unhealthy people out there...Don't forget the other camp of unhealthy types, the enablers/codependent ones.Those ones don't purposely cause harm obviously but the unfortunate reality is that people can still be unhealthy to be around even when they don't actually have bad intentions.For me personally I just avoid all of it whether they're a manipulator or simply a headache...Whether someone intentionally or unintentionally runs you over with a 🚗, you still end up harmed by it ultimately because the result is the same😅.My motto with people is...I'd rather have a single lovely 🌹 in my garden than even a entire yard full of poison ivy🌞👍🏻.
@@patriciaalbertson5183 Exactly, this is why you usually don't know a lot of people if you completely rid yourself of toxic types...They don't have to have bad intentions to be unhealthy to know.
Being forced to walk away is painful, overwhelming, fearful, guilt ridden, riddled with second guessing and fall backs, unjust, and leaves you vulnerable for attack. Walking away for good, literally means walking away FOR GOOD. Goodness for you, your soul, your spirit, your health, your stability, your peace, and another chance to live.
If a narcissist goes no contact with you then you have achieved the best case scenario. If they think they've won and you are not worth any more of their effort, it will never get better than that. Stay off social media and keep enablers and mutual acquaintances on a information diet to give them little reason to think of you.
When a non-narcissist person goes no contact, it's because they've identified that they don't need the black-hole of pain, coercion, exploitation and wilful control, that is the narcissist. When our eyes and ears are attuned to the narcissist's behaviour and shape-shifting attitudes, we see clearly that the narcissist NEEDS US, our essence, for validity that they exist. Showing a narcissist that they don't exist - by not needing them (emotionally, financially, physically) is the most powerful action you could take.
This really sums it up for some explanation of my time at home with my mother. It was Soo confusing to be shut out for two weeks at a time from sister and her mother. "Punished" ?? I didn't know what it was about. Even if they said I was being punished, that would be something. But, never a word, just ignored and not a word spoken. My blood pressure went so high when I was older teen, that I walked all the way in town to a Dr. Didn't know it was BP then, just hurt all over. He said it's unusual for my age. What's wrong? I had no answer. Then, I was offered a "Peace Offering" when they decided to break silence. A horrid RED pair of pants too big for me with box pleats all across the belly. After I didn't wear them, I was taunted with "arncha gonna wear them"? Ungrateful you! I was a good kid, quiet and no trouble, honors student. So, why be punished w)o a reason.,. Decades ago and thousands of miles away, so late getting this info. Wonder what my life would have been like otherwise. I've been successful, but totally on my own. Proud of my independence and abilities. Education on this ugly Narc abuse so needs to be taught early on so it can at least be identified. T Y Dr Ramini💜🕊️
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Deleting his number, blocking him on social media, throwing out anything he gave me, and completely ignoring him when he showed up at my event-- priceless!!!
5 people in my family have gone no contact from the toxic family system. We had enough with the nonsense and family dysfunction especially the regular episodes of rage. We feel physically and psychologically safe and have been able to grow since going no contact. I personally feel good that I’ve protected my children from the toxic family dynamics and that my children never had to witness a fit of rage or experience violence from my family.
This vid means a lot. It’s been over a year since I went NC with my narcissistic ex and it really wasn’t one situation that caused it, I just finally reached a breaking point. It was a slow build up over months of being treated like crap..so glad it’s over.
No-Contact video has resonated more than any other video. I've experienced this issue over 5 yrs & now that I've been No-Contact for about 90 some days my days are more productive & my state of mind very much improved.
Make NO Contact a permanent condition. You will heal and start defining your life beyond that toxic relationship. You will move on and it will lose its power over you.
When I received similar treatment of 'no contact as punishment' from my narcissistic bullies, many of them would send their flying monkeys to provoke a reaction from me, to coerce or force me to react the way the narcissists wanted me to react. It gave them satisfaction, a sense of triumph over me and the supply they desperately need. If I didn't react the way narcissists aimed for, and actually didn't care, the narcissists couldn't stand the slightest sign of being ignored and treated like a non-issue, they would actively abandon the 'no-contact treatment' as if nothing happened, and eagerly force some reaction out of me. Narcissists think they are so important and relavant that everyone ought to dance according to their tune. In fact they are no more than a gum stuck underneath the sole of one's shoes, refusing to let go.
This is such a good topic, which is most definitely not talked about enough. I would love to hear for instance how vulnerable narcissist are different when they go no contact, putting themself in victim position and blaming everything on the other person. There are a few differences when it comes to no contact with or by the narcissistic person. Non-narcissistic person will grieve the relationship, the person they thought they knew. They will often question themself, blame themself and take full accountability. Often they will even go to therapy to get answers. Narcissistic person however will quickly move on to their new supply and act like neither you nor the relationship ever mattered. It is not unusual the narcissistic person will go no contact when confronted.
Yes, yes, and YES! 🌸I’ve gone no contact on mother and ‘friends’. And have been gone no contact on. Both are freeing, leaving me happier than I was with them in my life. 🌸
There is no excuse for narcissist behavior. A 27 year narcissist survivor-No contact is never easy but if it brings relief do it for yourself, your worth it! ❤
Yes! I was the one that initiated no contact with my narcissist husband 8 months ago. I put up very strict boundaries that he didn’t know I was capable of. The grief has recently started to hit me, as I am essentially the widow to a man who never actually existed, but I am standing strong in my stance here. My peace and self love is more important to me than a sham marriage. ❤️
I believe we lack empathy which is why you probably feel the widow connection. I know for me none of my marriages were shams but I see your connection. It was more like a tool that’s needed.
@ashnoel38 Be strong , and seek out Christ. And I know it may feel that you've invested much in them and also sacrificed much of yourself to appease the narcissist in hopes that they would change and come to see the truth of their reality. I'm going through the same thing and so are many people so you're not alone. There are good Godly men out there that will love you and cherish you. God bless you and keep you.
How long did it take for the pain to ease. I blocked the x to be soon . It is tough but I want away 4 years of on an off again divorced 1time an back again. They narcs are mean.
Thank you for helping us understand. We have to care for our psychological safety. I have the impression its the only way to heal being loyal to myself instead of the former mind-program of being loyal to all others.
Just finally knowing who these people are and understanding what is going on is so helpful. I had a narcissistic person, who was my whole world, die nearly 2 decades ago and I was in grief for years and years. I went no contact with a narcissist recently, and I am so much better able to cope, and also grieve because I know I'm grieving what I saw as a possibility, not the actual person. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Buy Dr. Ramani's book It's Not You, it's so helpful truly! Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Dr. Ramani is a great book too. I recommend both!
One of the things narcissistic people is doing is all family friends will hear the worst stories from you so when you say goodbye you are just alone and need to start at 0. But it is worth, take your time to heal and process your experiences. The future is worth to choose this path😉
For sure!!! I went no contact for a couple of years after trying everything I could to maintain some sort of relationship with my mother. One day I ran into her and her friends, in a parking lot. There was a positive exchange between us, bc I would never not speak if I ran into her. The next day, I ran into her again but this time she was alone. I said good morning and she gave a dismissive snort, turned her back and walked away. She later called my sister and alluded that I was the one who refused to speak. What a mind eff! It absolutely is manipulation, with a side order of lies, projection and a false facade for her friends. She’s 86 and still going narc balls to the wall.
Well, that was predictable. You are obviously a better person than she will ever be. I handle this by not living in the spaces that people who want to hurt me live. I will not put myself through that.
My mother is exactly the same, I really genuinely fail to understand the why behind her behaviour! She always wants to cause chaos and drama and gossip when she could have all the loving doting attention for positive behaviour…it blows my mind
@@P55999 my mother has done the same to me! The smear campaign, saying that I have postpartum depression (which is crazy because my closest friend had postpartum depression and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone let alone my own daughter!), she’s told my in-laws horrific things about me and even my brother but luckily enough they have experienced enough of her toxic chaos to realise that she is likely lying about everything. Nevertheless it’s devastating that she intentionally wants people around me to hate me…..for no reason whatsoever. I wouldn’t treat a friend like that let alone my own flesh and blood, my daughter. It’s hard to ever forgive her, I don’t think I will tbh
I feel the same way. But something tells me by me going no contact saved me from being killed. There is no telling how far a person will go with no moral compass or since of boundaries
@@djmadijohnsonThey would kill all of us in a heart beat if they thought they could get away with it. It's easier to prove they're a nut job with their constant attempts to contact you, especially if you want nothing to do with them then taking them out for the good of the world. Never underestimate how dangerous they are.
Thank you, Doctor. I was especially blessed to hear you use the term "narcissistic family system". In my wife's large family of 24, most everyone is pleasant and reasonable in individual relationship, but when they get together, they're a nasty crew and the "in laws" are treated poorly - like servants - or the family dog. It took years to get on the same page with my wife about them, when finally I pleaded with her to watch closely how they interact with me - I named the worst of them and the behaviors to be on the watch for. In time, she saw clearly and began responding to them "you can't treat my husband like that" which in the end, got both of us, um, shunned by all of them when they circled the wagons and defended their behavior. What makes it even more muddy, is the role that their religion plays in their sense of entitlement. I believe it could be said "there's narcissism and then there's pious narcissism". The latter in doubly malignant. So glad to be out of there now for our own health and happiness. The guilt is hard to deal with - like by insisting my wife really see them for what they were doing to me - that I cost her her family. But whenever we talk about it - she has an apt view of what transpired "they're punishing me because I failed to control my dog - you". Then she says "lets just live our life, go forward and be happy". And we are. So grateful to be free.
Very helpful! I woke up crying this morning as a no-contact "non"-narc! (Sister checks every narcissist box.) I'm 70 and they only get worse over years. So glad i found you and your book. About now to pop in on your special--bought book. 💜
I really enjoy the insights o gain from watching your videos. Probably out of left field for this topic but it dawns on me today that the narcissistic family system denies my reality when it’s too difficult to manage. So they can regulate without acknowledging that my suffering existed growing up and as an adult. Then when you bring it up it’s as if it never existed. To them it really doesn’t. They erased my feelings and my hidden reality. I always wondered how it is that certain types of abuse could go unnoticed or unaddressed in families like sexual abuse. That never happened to me. But it makes sense. The family erased the abuse to regulate and maintain the system. And it abandons the person who suffers. It goes down generations and can happen to any member of the family. I can trace the trauma back at least 6 generations of one side of my family. Maybe like the Bible says, the 7th generation will be the last to suffer it. Who knows, maybe they knew.
Thank you for talking about this!!! THERE ARE NO VIDEOS ON NARCS GOING NO CONTACT. He went no contact with me after so much abuse completely discarded me blocked me on everything after a fight. In the past he has hovered me back every single time, It’s so hard. Because I’m sure he’ll do the hovering again. I decided to take control over the situation and block him back. He unblocked me recently.
Please please, look after yourself. They do not care a jot about you. Please think of yourself, your feelings, your health and do not allow them to even come near you again. They will never change, I promise you. Good luck.
Each of your words, especially today, is deeply healing, Thank you Dr. Ramani, I appreciate your work and all that you do ... I'll see you and this community later for the retreat ...
Never confuse attention/validation seeking as the same as caring. If not familiar with ‘hoovering’, easy to confuse and assume call is ‘caring’ about you instead of ‘getting attention’. I Left/No Contact. Wrote list of why I would never communicate with Ex-NPD like again. BTW, 7 months later they hoover texted for a 'reset/restart'. I reread list and remained No Contact.
Wow! I just commented on your Q&A post. Definitely feels like my daughter is punishing me and her step dad by not allowing us to see her 4 children for 2 years. She’s almost cut us out of her life. Just recently, 2 people have told me she seems narcissistic and one referred me to you!! Never did I think this but wow! The puzzle is finally coming together after decades!! I’m trying to heal and relish this time but I grieve my grandchildren. I pray for all of them every day. Thank you!
It took me a while to fully understand. "Narcissistic no contact" is punishing silent treatment. Not the same as no contact to protect yourself and create space to heal after attempting healthy resolution techniques w/o compromising your boundaries. It is hard to do, especially as you row through the opening floodgates of grief. The key difference I experienced is you're not holding on to altering their behavior, unlike silent treatment's shaming intent.
It’s been a long painful process to choose to go no contact with the narcissist toxic/abusive people, and I did it to protect my health and safety. A lot of grief for sure, and extra exhausting pushing back on the enablers who pressure me to keep the narcs in my life no matter what awful thing they do. The narc goes no contact, does the silent treatment, or punishes us in some way if we don’t comply, etc..:and no one questions them. Yet I am shamed for protecting myself from their abuse. So tired of it all. I just don’t care anymore. Focusing on myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
What I've taken with me from being with a covert one: even if they may have no desire to hurt you, once you've been hurt by them, they'll never look at you without seeing their own shame. I think in some heartbreakingly twisted way, the punishment and gaslighting is their way of simply trying to erase their mistakes, which of course doesn't work, it only makes the shame more profound, and so the abuse snowballs. As long as they can rely on us to maintain the boundaries and fantasy in the relationship, they can be perfectly wonderful people, but the moment a boundary slips it inevitably results in a cascading failure of the relationship. Since they're allergic to self-reflection, it'll always be our fault in their eyes.
No contact requires that the non-narcissistic person refrains from any curiosity about how the narcissistic person is doing. The non-narcissistic person has to steel their mind, avoid peeking at the narcissist’s social media, avoid gossip from others about the narcissistic person. I’ve “snooped” a handful of times on some of the narcissists I went no contact to ensure my physical safety and protect myself and my family. I’ve resisted the temptation to snoop out of any negative emotions or bitter curiosity. It’s not easy. We have to control any impulse to do detective work for validation. I am a natural born detective and puzzle solver. The narcissistic relationships I was born into, family and extended family, friends, lovers and an ex husband, the secrets , the lies, the strange behavior of these narcissistic people, I had to let my curiosity go! I have to Give it to God if I am to have any kind of life without these folks messing with it or me still puzzling out the past. I escaped. I’m out. I’m wiser now. I’m no contact.
After8 years of trying to navigate and maintain a relationship with my daughter who actually has become narcissistic after moving in with a narcissistic family cult I couldnt take any more. I dont know whether she is a narcissist or a flying monkey for them. After a 40 minute telephone conversation where she raged, accused me of things I didnt do, verbally abused me the entire conversation, and threatened me I finally ended up having to go no contact for my own peace of mind. It has been a struggle. I have felt anger, guilt, shame, depression and my heart is broken. I am finding it hard to move forward but am taking baby steps day by day. You have helped me get through this Dr Ramani. I am so thankful for your videos.
Thank you so much, as usual, you are so helpful, I am contemplating breaking no contact because it is with my son, I have been grieving... Thank you !!!👍❤❤❤
I understand the pain you are feeling im 80yr old and my son is 60 hes been giving me the silent treatment for 12mths its hard but you must not give in to him may you find peace 😔
So Brilliant. Had to go back today and listen again. You are so NOT Narcissistic when you go No Contact, even though it feels like the world is telling you so.
My daughter is a narcissist and this is the third time she has gone no contact with me. This last time I was the one that wanted to distance myself from her but when I told her that (via text it’s sometimes impossible to speak with her) I also made the mistake of saying that I was leaving all my jewelry to my granddaughter (the daughter of my other daughter). That’s all it took. She told me to f…off and never, ever contact her or her husband again. She completely closed the door. You are right Dr. Ramani, this has been very, very painful, so much that I had suicidal thoughts and I blacked out one time not even remembering that my mom passed away. My husband was obviously very concerned about me. Watching your videos has helped me tremendously. Thank you for your help.
This is exactly what I’m going through right now. He has gone no contact before using it to punish me or because he can’t handle things about me that are normal in a relationship like asking “what time will you be heading home?” This time I have gone no contact because of his torment of criticizing me and applying rules that I have to follow that I can’t seem to get right. I’m not doing well 😢
Unfortunately, sometimes non-narcs feel like they're the narcissist when they go no contact because it has some of the same vibes as the narc's behavior - silent treatment, aloof, not caring, "punishing." There's also the narc's smear campaign when they realize something is up. My covert narc mom has gossiped about people who are cold, distant, evasive, uncaring... She doesn't self-reflect on how her behavior affects other behavior so she sees that as something "wrong" with the other person. She also gaslights that her toxic behavior and emotional dysregulation are due to "concern" and "how reality works" and other nonsense.
I’m stuggling with this exact thing right now. I go no contact. He gets mad and finds other ways to contact. Even using Venmo. He said I like control because I blocked. When it’s the other way around. I find myself second guessing constantly and wondering if I’m the narcissist.. Because the guilt he puts on me when I try to establish boundaries. Mind f
I hadn't spoken to her for a few months and then noticed she blocked me. (I didn't block her because I felt like she was trying to get a reaction out of me) I was soooo relieved to be blocked!
It seems the people who are protective of narcissists’ reactions don’t remember very well the dangerous behavior of the narcissist and that narcissists themselves don’t know when they will put others in harms way. I have seen and know of many grandiose, entitled, vindictive narcissists. You NAILED it again. There is nothing about it trying to protect themselves when you see smoke coming out of their ears as they talk enraged. It is a dangerous place where they are when they get this way. Thanks so much!!!
This is so helpful. I have run into narcissism at different stages in my life. I can recognize it now and am more careful who I bring into my circle. I recently had to set boundaries with a narcissistic neighbour. She has taken to trashing my name around my neighbourhood. I knew this was going to happen. However, I still questioned myself. I don't think it ever will get easy, but material like this helps provide strength and support.
My narcissistic friend has gone no contact. They managed to make it my fault that they had to leave in a twisted way. Then when I said I was hurt, justified it, said they would honor my need for space but asked that I allow them to let me know when I am “ok” to talk to for them again. It’s like I’ve become contaminated by proxy for demons they believe I’m connected with. Literally lol. Geez
It's truly serendipitous the way you touch on topics that directly affect me at the same time as your videos. My goodness. I have always appreciated your work and thank you for all you have done for so many people.
My narc went no contact with me first. And the entire time I felt like I was just being played like a pawn in a chess match. She would get me back to where she wanted me or she'd be gone. Realizing that she would rather manipulate me than trust me and have an open and honest conversation really opened my eyes to how I was seen all along. Somewhere in my mind I knew that I was always considered "less than" then suddenly one day, I had proof. I miss my NEX. I still wish I could save her from herself. But when someone like that shows you just how little you've always mattered to them... what's the point?
This is 💯 Spot On with my experience in going No Contact ! It has been 5 months now and everything you met, I felt with making the choice! It has help Me heal, brought clarity and made me understand what self love truly means! Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!
When they go no contact, they wat to punish you, they take away people, places and things away from you to punish you, sometimes, right up until they die. So even if you aren't supported for doing your thing, live well because you can!
Thank you for making the distinction for those people who make excuses for NPD people at around 6:00. It doesn’t help victims to frame it like this and the channels I see promoting this more empathic view are doing victims a disservice
This. Exactly. I tried to “fix” some misunderstandings between my narc brother and I. When I challenged him, he totally lost his temper and IMMEDIATELY took me off social media etc because he was angry, wanted to punish me and saw he lost control of the narrative. After counselling and a great deal of thought, I decided it was better for my mental health to have NO contact AT ALL. I could no longer keep up the toxic, unhealthy patterns. It was NOT easy but it was NECESSARY. He tried to interact with me like nothing was wrong, sent crazy ass emails and trash talked me to our mum. It was awful, BUT not having that toxic influence has been so much better for me.
@@SoundsBogus yes she knows. Someone I know told her, a week before the surgery. My dad passed away from complications, due to a car accident two years ago. My natural mother died when I was nine years old and two of my sisters died in separate car crashes. Needless to say, I have experienced a very traumatic and complicated life. I will skip the bad stuff…. At this point, all that I have left is “her”. How ironic is that? My dad married her when I was five years old. Since that age I have “seen” her for who she is. A true narcissist. I am an INFJ. She has targeted me my whole life and I really can’t stand to be around her (tho I try 💪). She has a 1,000 ways to make me feel a lesser person. From subtle to cruel. Life is such a journey. 🕯️
You're not broken... you're beautiful. Your wounds will be the place where light enters you. Life is so beautiful without these crazy people, the best is yet to come.
yes, yes YES...Thank you for clarifying the difference between the 2 types of no contact. And how to not confuse them as being the same. They are very different, and that is in the person's intent on why they are doing the no contact.
Over two years since I went no contact from my best friend of 27 years and I still come back to these videos due to the guilt that still comes up. Multiple years ago, my best friend cut contact with me due to how I had changed when I was in my first long term relationship. It was very confusing and hurtful. Years later when I went no contact, I told him how much I loved him and wanted him to be free to be himself just like how I wanted to be fully myself. He was so angry and upset with me. I cherish many of the memories with him, as I grew up with him. But it was time to move on. I send everyone reading this love and light, we are all on this journey together❤️
Well let me be the first to say it was beyond easy for me to go NC to the narc spouse and his family etc. I truly thought we were family until we weren’t. That was disappointing because I was blindsided by their actions. Once I realized that he never love me and I married an imposter I can’t unsee anything, the blinders are gone. I can’t mourn disrespect🤷🏾♀️
Thank you! Having someone talk about my issue with my adult daughter is such a breath of fresh air. She uses No Contact with me as a knee-jerk reaction to boundaries I try to put in place. It varies from a few days to a few weeks or a few months. It is a form of punishment for her.
I am so thankful for you and this channel. Thank you, when i cant put to words often i come here and feel more on my feet. Like theres actually people who get it when the storm of people around me dont.
When the narcissistic does it, it's temporary and they are just giving the silent treatment. When we do it, we've just reached the end of our rope and are looking for a way out
Great video. I went no contact with an individual who didn't respect my time or input. Ii had voiced my concerns. t took awhile to decide to go no contact.She was in disbelief and I was done.I knew to stand my ground. She then played the victim again. Good riddance.
This is so interesting to me as my only parent would disappear for seemingly no reason for months at a time. I’d get so worried at the lack of response and ask others if they were ok, and of course, I would hear they responded and were fine. I’d wait and wait and 6 months seemed to be enough time out of contact from me. I’d usually just get a forwarded email or something non committal, and I’d jump back on the sinking ship no questions asked. I’ll never understand these people but it definitely was different when it became my turn to go no contact.
Thank you so much for this video! My husband and I experienced both types of NO CONTACT. I had to quite talking to my sister a few years ago because her toxic behaviour was unbearable. Fortunately, we all (third sister plus parents and us) agreed to take part in a family therapy, because the grief was even more unbearable and we could fix it. It is still a long way to o, but I am totally positive! The other NO CONTACT was a big shock for us because as soon as my husband and I had our first baby his best friend stopped talking to him. His fiancé told him to do so. Her reason: my husband would not be able to be such a good friend anymore because he has become a father. We tried to talk to them, because at first we could not understand what was happening. But more and more we realized that they were playing quite a cruel game with us. Unfortunately, the poison has sunk in. It is still hard to overcome the fact that all the trust we once had was betrayed.
Just wanted to say: Your videos have been incredibly helpful in my life present day. I went no contact a year ago from my narcissistic former best friend of 14 years. Enough was enough. The dominos fell one-by-one, and I of course lost his family out of my life - lost five to ten people within the span of months in 2023. I was so incredibly betrayed and angry at waking up to what I was blind to. I still feel the grief today, but I went through every stage you talk about - even gaslighting myself if I was the one in the wrong. I wasn't wrong. It was life shattering - one of the most painful things I ever woke up to cutting out 14 years of friendship - but my life is literally better now and continuing in a positive direction. I'm now finding a relationship with myself, and it says a lot that I feel "freer" to be myself. My life is moving forward away from that narcissist I used to call a brother. Liberating. These videos have been tremendous for me in educating myself about this life event. Thank you.
Ma'am you know my girl😮 don't you ??? And you even know what see looks like. Because you just painted a perfect picture of her. Lol... Thank you, you sure know what your talking about !!! You are the best.
The day he threatened to kill me, after years of accelerating hell, I ran and never looked back. Even with a protective order, he kept trying to inject himself and control the narrative. On my lawyer's advice, I left all social media when he attacked me there. I blocked him on my phone to stop the texts. He sent letters, including telling me I could still come back and "do penance" (!) - those all went to my lawyer. He prolonged the divorce until the judge got sick of him and called it quits (so grateful!) He told family members that I was pursuing him, totally outrageous! All this was after 46 years, and leaving him saved my life but cost me some of my family. Of course there was terrible grief. Disentangling from these warped, selfish, and malignant people is no picnic, but thank God I did, finally. I found my soul and safety, even though I'll have to live with sadness for the rest of my life. You pay a high price for ever getting involved with these kinds of people. I was very young when I married, from a very good family, and had absolutely no clue.
@@clairelane3642 Thank you. After 5 years, I am healthier than I have ever been, and am now a doctoral candidate (PhD History). I love my life, am beginning to travel, have learned to garden, and surround myself with true friends. Leaving an abusive relationship is a torture gauntlet, but there is light at the end of that journey through hell. I extend support whenever I can.
I went no contact with my narc sister. Years of walking on egg shells, being screamed at. Got to the point of an almost hatred feeling coming from within me. Now I'm being gaslighted, she's got her flying monkeys and playing the victim, telling lies. Not playing her games anymore. Done. Finished. Hope I never hear her voice ever again
Years of RUclips tens of thousands of videos I've never actually left a comment before until today I feel a strong need to thank you. I recently found your channel and currently binge watching it all. You are an amazing human doing the work of thousands of doctors, I'm sad to see your subscribers and views are less then you deserve. Trying to stop myself from writing a novel here, anyhow thank you for being you, truly 🤗
Such excellent points in the difference between the way the narcissist and the non-narcissistic person in the relationship go no contact. In my experience as a survivor of a 5-year relationship with a narcissist, though, when I finally went no contact, I have to admit that the anger and the desire to punish him was also wrapped up in the grief, guilt, and sadness of the loss. I did think, "I'll show him!" but it felt like I was claiming my voice and my power after years of mistreatment, not trying to control him. My anger fueled my resolve to protect myself. So I can't really claim completely pure motivations of self-protection. I did what I had to do to stop the Dance.
4 minutes in someone finally gets me. 3 words explain the unexplainable. LOSS OF HOPE. When life is good on every front, HOPE is a beautiful word. If life gets in the way, again, HOPE is beautiful, but after this, HOPE is HOPELESS, pointless, meaningless, and holds no value as it gives no promise. HOPE for the best, but you better prepare for the worst. HOPEFULLY in time, I become HOPEFUL that HOPE returns in all its beauty.
"Are you ready to forgive me?" So typical! They reframe the situation in a way that they appeal to your empathy, in my experience at least. Because it was never about forgiving her, but if you're not careful, you say "of course" and then you're back in and then you wonder "How the hell am I back in?". I have a tip, it worked for me very well. Whenever you feel that a question or a statement is hiding a false premise, take a note app and reply there and then correct your reply and then take your time to explain to yourself why do you feel that way, etc. and then try to answer politely but without taking the bait. I'm currently a few days after my first relationship with a narcissist, she still texts me slighty loaded messages. I still care about her, so she's leveraging on that. I watch Ramani's videos every day to keep myself on the track!
100% correct in your every sentence, you are so pretty on the spot, that's how I feel after being married to narcissist 34 yrs, 2 yrs separated but feeling vulnerable, seeking attention, yes questioning my choice
Once again, thank you Dr. Ramani. You are such a blessing ❤ Thank you for clarifying no contact. I have felt so guilty in going no contact in order to protect myself. I struggled with thoughts of guilt and wondering if I was being narcissistic. I have rewatched this video twice all ready - it has been so helpful in helping me remain steadfast to stay no contact and not caving.
One of my Uncles used the silent treatment. Often the reason was not discernible or was very petty. He could cold shoulder a person for a whole month! My husband had a friend who did the same. It’s cruel, especially to a child or vulnerable person. And they know, or at least hope, that they are causing pain to the person they do this to. That they knowingly do this, tells all you need to know about them.
My ex went no contact with me after we separated because I was finally seeing him for what he is and not having him around at all gave me room to think for myself. It's painful, but it's not a bad thing. I think he went NC because he didn't want to be perceived in any other way than how he had historically presented himself to me. Out in the bigger world narcissistic people don't want to hang around with people they can't charm and manipulate, people who don't buy in to their self-representation. They lose interest quickly in such people and move on to people who are more useful and believe whatever their current narrative is. It makes sense that in the case of a break down of what from the outside appears to have been a functional marriage is a minefield for them. Going no contact allows them to present a narrative in which they're the victim, they're the one suffering. Narcissists love a pity party. I'm sure it's great fodder for that.
Hi Dr Ramani. I am grateful that i could reach your videos. They are like grounding sessions for me. I have been no contact for 5 months now and the worst part was that i asked him to leave as he had crossed all boundaries. At times i stalk him, but with your videos and my therapy with reality checks, my friends say “We cant believe you are progressing so fast” I have thanked my therapist and also want to Thank you 💐
Well said Dr. and I agree with you that it's necessary from the non narcissist to initiate no contact. The problem is staying no contact and maybe a topic for future discussion. Keep up the great work.
Thank you for this extremely supportive and validating message dr Ramani ❤😊 we go no contact because of the need for psychological safety and protection we must provide ourselves with on our healing journey from the narcisistic abuse. God bless you ❤
Still trying to get the hell away from my parents. Been years of trying to figure it out with therapy. It's really tough, but I don't want to be in a cult where I am denegrated on the regular. She's absolutely right in this video. Tears your damn soul out and the guilt.
When the narcissist goes no contact = he wants to punish you. When you go no contact = you just can't take it anymore.
When the narcissist goes no contact, it's a relief. When you go no contact, the narcissist will stalk you.
@@IanM-id8or so true but I still miss him for some reason, I will not break my boundary though to contact him
So true, but they still tell everyone they dropped you.
So true, and when you assert boundaries that benefit all parties involved. And keep the same boundaries. They call you difficult and twist it to your being vindictive and posing the boundaries only because youre angry. Its like 7 years of proof goes out the window. And because we may have been easy in the past where it worked and we bent. The second we see the game they play and keep the boundaries. We are now "crazy" and need mental help.
or "She"
The relationship with them only works if we're deaf, dumb and blind. Infact losing all 5 senses. There's already no contact while in contact.
😂😂😂 I told him once saying that he'd rather me be a robot! he told me robots have an off button tho! 😂😂😂
Omg. Smh. They are the worse!! @NatzTalk
Good point well spoken. They do not see or hear you anyway. Make it easier on them to not see or hear you.
So true, i had to go get back on a serotonin/norepinephrine uptake because i numbed out too much. Pattern is- in 9 months the meds will make me sick once my chem factory re stabilises. And then weene off for 2 months. I wonder if theres another treatment for pnad. Like staying on for 2 week doses etc because this wont end at least severity until theyre 18.
Thanks !!
When we go no-contact, it can take months/years to heal. When a narc goes no-contact, they just move straight on to their next victim/target.
This is so true
The first time after i think 5 years of the abuse back in 2019/2020 i went no contact.
He showed up to my work.
Got the kids from day care.
Drove by my house.
And called for mental health checks 3 times.
The courts and gal do nothing a d are complicit.
- its "normal"
Staying minimal contact and doing yellow rocking. Has less consequences i learned from that time frame. I asked since then for an application or mediator/ court appointed application. Where every thing is accessible on one app and court approved. Its now 2024 and because of pulling my daughter out of an abusive situation in school. It got put in "and turned on me" lol
But its okay im the bad guy at least its in the order now 🥴🧐🤨
Yep. He was moving on before we even broke up.
When you expose them, they go no contact to escape the harsh truth you represent. They simply can't handle it; reality inflicts a narcissistic injury, sending them retreating back to their fantasy world. They avoid you at all costs because you embody the TRUTH-and for them, truth is like holy water to a vampire.
Excellent analogy!
❤
🎯 🎯🎯
So true make sense for the evil 😈 clown 🤡 narc I unfortunately WAS with
Ya, mine totally changed and blamed me for not just going along with this new self-centered persona, a person I no longer knew, no questions asked. I don't think I ever really knew him. A tragedy, 11 years lost.
Simply put, you go no contact with them to escape from their control. 🏃♀💨 But they go no contact with you to keep control over you. 😨
Great answer!! how I saw it too when both people do it, And there are several different reasons why people do it in family situations or friend groups!
Sounds about right
@@dontbelongherefromanother Your name is funny, I would have used that when my mom asked me why haven't you talked to your brother, I would have told her, he is in the air headed to another planet I don't belong here either.
Exactly their silent treatment is for control our is to escape and save ourselves
Bingo. Narcissists do not know how to love. It is all about control, dominance and power over. so when they go no contact it is for very different reasons than when we go no contact
My covert narc disappeared when I exposed him, his betrayal, and his double life. I guess it was because of the narcissistic injury I caused to his ego with this exposure. I no longer admired him or his perfect image, and he tried to avoid me (reality) at all costs because I was speaking the truth, ruining his fantasy about how moral and righteous he is.
He crawled back with crocodile tears two weeks later, begging for forgiveness, playing the victim, and all that theater. They are weak and rotten creatures... I am healing now 🙏🏻 Wish me luck!
This was mine exactly! I wrote him a letter that said everything! He flipped out and blocked me on everything
Wish you all the best 🙏🙏🙏 may you have peace 🪷🪷🪷
I feel rage for the both of us, because this was my exact story too with a covert one and I'm still paying the price mentally, physically, financially, socially and spiritually after trying my best to never fall into that trap again.
I wish you all the luck you need in this journey.
Omg…. Horrible, goodluck you are strong!
What I love about the healing process is that through healing, we get an opportunity to extract and appreciate all the good qualities we developed in ourselves to deal with the narc’s bullshit. It’s time to appreciate your light without some sad man baby, or woman baby in my case, blocking your glory 😂
I went no contact with all the circus, monkeys and clowns. I don't miss any of it.
Out of control clown car ….
Me too, bye with her sister, her nephews, her brother, Friends in common and even work (we work in the same place).
spot on. i refuse to be a circus member. 💯
They also go no contact when someone or something better comes along. You don't exist if a new shiny toy is in their life.
God I hope
Yeah until they fuck that relationship up too 😂
They start lining that person up the second they think they have complete control and start to get bored (they’ll start punishing you here pretty severely to keep you in line), and then start to really pull the trigger on kickstarting with that relationship once you call them out in a way that causes them narcissistic injury.
Good…the new supply is a pure blessing for us! 😂😂😂😂😂
When a non-narcissistic person goes no contact with a narcissist, the narcissist will try repeatedly to contact you. When they are unable to make contact, they will start contacting family members, friends, and your job... They will begin their smear campaign in hopes of ruining your relationship with them. When they see they can't get anywhere with the people they've tried to turn against you, then they will start trying to contact you again. Getting a narcissist out of your life is not an easy thing. It is never easy to know you are hurting anyone, but it is necessary sometimes.
Perceftly put, that is the vicious cycle, and it can leave the person who was trying to salvage their sanity (by going no contact with their abusers) feeling absolutely hopeless because that aspect of it will never end
this is true. I've been separated with my narc husband for more than four years and just last year he tried to get back with me but I just ignore him. when he didn't suceeded in getting my attention, he made himself a victim by getting ignored by me and contacting my relatives. like WTH, is his problem, lol. then recently he stopped contacting again which was a huge relief for me. when he gets bored again, he'll come back for sure but I'll just ignore him
See these kinds of stories make me wonder about my experience. My abuser has a TON of similarities to narcissism. He openly talks about how he views relationships as transactional, he gaslit me multiple times to my face, changing his story as soon as someone else was around, and openly told me he gets anxious and tells people what they want to hear. Told me he knew I didn't deserve any of it and he knew he was unethical, but he got what he wanted and didn't want to feel guilty and said the only thing he wants from our relationship was my money. But he didn't try to actively pursue me. He just got what he wanted and moved on. He does lie about me to others, but he mostly just uses people to get what he wants and then discards, rather than having a victim he latches on to
Facts
Several hundred miles and a blocked phone number helps.
My goodbye is a forever goodbye, theirs is a goodbye until they can use me again.
We offer growth and investment, they offer games and tricks, on themselves mostly. 😑
Omg well said!
🤫
Very well said.
Went no contact after 13 years of abuse …I finally moved out last week and he left my apartment a week later …now I am safe 😓it was devastating but necessary
Change the locks because he will be back.
Sometimes you have to trim most of the dead weight off of the tree, and it looks ugly for a while, until it sprouts again, healthier and stronger.
Never let anyone into your space again, having to leave your OWN apartment should be enough of a lesson.
I've been gone for like 50 some days I wanted to talk to her!! I'm 500 mi away❤ but every time I talk to her it ruined my day.. I'm going to be honest I just wanted her to know how beautiful and good my life was and what she could have had if she wanted to be "normal" I'm a provider and protector by nature (childhood lol) I forgive you I just want friendship 🖐️ she text me back hey I forgive you too😳😆 I LOST IT!! Let me first say it started off by when she would text me and think I would have time to talk to her something would always "come up" she would have to text or call me later it would drive me crazy and then I figure it out 😳 and I tell her all this BTW 😂 I ALWAYS SAY OKAY HERE IN REALITY... I said you're doing this on purpose!! You're not working (lying about all of a sudden working after 9 months)😂 I WOULD SAY YOU'RE SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER IN THE SHED (THINGS I KNOW THAT SHE WOULD DO AT CERTAIN TIMES OF THE DAY) 😅 I KNEW SHE WAS DOING ON PURPOSE FINALLY FINELY I BLOCKED HER!
But since I'm coming back home with only a couple bags of clothes and the animals I've been doordashing so I can find a job! Sitting in the car waiting for orders makes you think!
I'm a waitress and I have a full-time job starting tomorrow so it's going to get easier for me!! I HOPE YALL STAY IN REALITY!! YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN GET AWAY YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER I PROMISE!!
SLEEPING IN MY CAR GETTING WATER OUTTA CREEKS FLOWING FROM THE MOUNTAIN❤ to finding a good little spot on this cuz I'm back home and I have one thing here
MY REPUTATION
MY DIGNITY
INTEGRITY
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOMAS!! YALL CAN DO IT❤
Unfortunately the journey is just beginning. Keep walking away. It will feel like your on a treadmill and never moving forward. Don’t look back, just keep walking, just keep walking….Eventually you will look up and realize the treadmill turns into a beautiful quiet country lane with flowers and birds singing. Keep looking ahead for the flowers.
Congrats! Now get prepared for the aftermath. Either the goal of getting you back on the roller-coaster or lashing out and bringing you down to depressed,deflated and defeated. They're a real-life nightmare!
The power of God or your higher power will help 🙏
When I went no contact, I became full of fear and anxiety. I cried and cried. I was flustered and angry. I started self harming and sickness. Things have died down a bit, however I still feel afraid because I know what them people are capable of. I want no parts of them anymore.
❤
Please seek therapy and work with your doctor to regain your health. These relationships flay you, and you need help in healing, emotionally and physically.
Self care, kindness, love, well being, is what they deny you.
Take back your power
It will get better. Just dint go back no matter what.
My mom after confronting her about her behavior, went no contact and when that didn’t work she then sent a text that Mother’s Day was cancelled. We will not respond. She is hoping that this will get us back under control. It will not work. I have more peace than ever.
Oh wow...good for YOU! I am in the same ball game right now with my narc sister and my narc daughter, stand firm!
Her text to you is genuinely one of the most immature things I’ve ever heard in my entire life… terrifying how many of her are walking around!
My narc mom “I want nothing to do with you” meaning: ‘until I get bored tormenting your sister’.
BABY,IVE BEEN NO CONTACT FOR 6 YEARS IN JULY!! GREATEST, GREATEST DECISION EVER. And guess what,I'm never returning, EVER!!! LOVE YOU ALL.................IF I CAN DO IT,SO CAN YOU.
One thing about ‘no contact’ that’s been hard for me is having friends support me when I go ‘no contact’ with an abusive ex, but not support me when I chose to go ‘no contact’ with abusive family. I’m very thankful for my therapist ❤️
Same. You can’t really talk to your friends much about it or you will look like the one that’s the narcissist. The crazy one. 😢
This is why you typically don't end up knowing very many people if you go all in with purging all toxic types of people from your life.Narcissistic types AREN'T the only unhealthy people out there...Don't forget the other camp of unhealthy types, the enablers/codependent ones.Those ones don't purposely cause harm obviously but the unfortunate reality is that people can still be unhealthy to be around even when they don't actually have bad intentions.For me personally I just avoid all of it whether they're a manipulator or simply a headache...Whether someone intentionally or unintentionally runs you over with a 🚗, you still end up harmed by it ultimately because the result is the same😅.My motto with people is...I'd rather have a single lovely 🌹 in my garden than even a entire yard full of poison ivy🌞👍🏻.
Then, they are Not real true friends either.... "With Friends like that, Who needs Enemies?". That's how the saying goes
@@patriciaalbertson5183 Exactly, this is why you usually don't know a lot of people if you completely rid yourself of toxic types...They don't have to have bad intentions to be unhealthy to know.
@@AnnaCrowlKaehr I hear you. As much as it hurts I’m glad we have this community so we can support each other. 🩵
"Are you ready to forgive me?" The best response I've ever heard is, "My forgiveness is unconditional. Your presence in my life is not." Bye Bye
I love that❤
Being forced to walk away is painful, overwhelming, fearful, guilt ridden, riddled with second guessing and fall backs, unjust, and leaves you vulnerable for attack.
Walking away for good, literally means walking away FOR GOOD. Goodness for you, your soul, your spirit, your health, your stability, your peace, and another chance to live.
If a narcissist goes no contact with you then you have achieved the best case scenario. If they think they've won and you are not worth any more of their effort, it will never get better than that. Stay off social media and keep enablers and mutual acquaintances on a information diet to give them little reason to think of you.
😂
When a non-narcissist person goes no contact, it's because they've identified that they don't need the black-hole of pain, coercion, exploitation and wilful control, that is the narcissist. When our eyes and ears are attuned to the narcissist's behaviour and shape-shifting attitudes, we see clearly that the narcissist NEEDS US, our essence, for validity that they exist. Showing a narcissist that they don't exist - by not needing them (emotionally, financially, physically) is the most powerful action you could take.
This really sums it up for some explanation of my time at home with my mother. It was Soo confusing to be shut out for two weeks at a time from sister and her mother. "Punished" ?? I didn't know what it was about. Even if they said I was being punished, that would be something. But, never a word, just ignored and not a word spoken. My blood pressure went so high when I was older teen, that I walked all the way in town to a Dr. Didn't know it was BP then, just hurt all over. He said it's unusual for my age. What's wrong? I had no answer.
Then, I was offered a "Peace Offering" when they decided to break silence. A horrid RED pair of pants too big for me with box pleats all across the belly. After I didn't wear them, I was taunted with "arncha gonna wear them"? Ungrateful you!
I was a good kid, quiet and no trouble, honors student. So, why be punished w)o a reason.,.
Decades ago and thousands of miles away, so late getting this info.
Wonder what my life would have been like otherwise.
I've been successful, but totally on my own. Proud of my independence and abilities.
Education on this ugly Narc abuse so needs to be taught early on so it can at least be identified.
T Y Dr Ramini💜🕊️
Amen!!
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy.
That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you.
And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win.
When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful.
Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Deleting his number, blocking him on social media, throwing out anything he gave me, and completely ignoring him when he showed up at my event-- priceless!!!
Sounds slightly narcissistic to me lool
@@ramoneregal8317 live and learn lol
@@ramoneregal8317 Narcissistic apply to both genders he/she
5 people in my family have gone no contact from the toxic family system. We had enough with the nonsense and family dysfunction especially the regular episodes of rage. We feel physically and psychologically safe and have been able to grow since going no contact. I personally feel good that I’ve protected my children from the toxic family dynamics and that my children never had to witness a fit of rage or experience violence from my family.
I went no contact because I would not survive otherwise. A good but difficult choice.
were you left alone?
This vid means a lot. It’s been over a year since I went NC with my narcissistic ex and it really wasn’t one situation that caused it, I just finally reached a breaking point. It was a slow build up over months of being treated like crap..so glad it’s over.
No-Contact video has resonated more than any other video. I've experienced this issue over 5 yrs & now that I've been No-Contact for about 90 some days my days are more productive & my state of mind very much improved.
Make NO Contact a permanent condition. You will heal and start defining your life beyond that toxic relationship. You will move on and it will lose its power over you.
When I received similar treatment of 'no contact as punishment' from my narcissistic bullies, many of them would send their flying monkeys to provoke a reaction from me, to coerce or force me to react the way the narcissists wanted me to react. It gave them satisfaction, a sense of triumph over me and the supply they desperately need. If I didn't react the way narcissists aimed for, and actually didn't care, the narcissists couldn't stand the slightest sign of being ignored and treated like a non-issue, they would actively abandon the 'no-contact treatment' as if nothing happened, and eagerly force some reaction out of me. Narcissists think they are so important and relavant that everyone ought to dance according to their tune. In fact they are no more than a gum stuck underneath the sole of one's shoes, refusing to let go.
This is such a good topic, which is most definitely not talked about enough. I would love to hear for instance how vulnerable narcissist are different when they go no contact, putting themself in victim position and blaming everything on the other person.
There are a few differences when it comes to no contact with or by the narcissistic person. Non-narcissistic person will grieve the relationship, the person they thought they knew. They will often question themself, blame themself and take full accountability. Often they will even go to therapy to get answers. Narcissistic person however will quickly move on to their new supply and act like neither you nor the relationship ever mattered. It is not unusual the narcissistic person will go no contact when confronted.
Yes, yes, and YES!
🌸I’ve gone no contact on mother and ‘friends’. And have been gone no contact on. Both are freeing, leaving me happier than I was with them in my life. 🌸
There is no excuse for narcissist behavior. A 27 year narcissist survivor-No contact is never easy but if it brings relief do it for yourself, your worth it! ❤
I'm in a similar situation. It's not easy, but I wouldn't ever go back. My freedom is to precious to me
Yes! I was the one that initiated no contact with my narcissist husband 8 months ago. I put up very strict boundaries that he didn’t know I was capable of. The grief has recently started to hit me, as I am essentially the widow to a man who never actually existed, but I am standing strong in my stance here. My peace and self love is more important to me than a sham marriage. ❤️
I believe we lack empathy which is why you probably feel the widow connection. I know for me none of my marriages were shams but I see your connection. It was more like a tool that’s needed.
@ashnoel38 Be strong , and seek out Christ. And I know it may feel that you've invested much in them and also sacrificed much of yourself to appease the narcissist in hopes that they would change and come to see the truth of their reality. I'm going through the same thing and so are many people so you're not alone. There are good Godly men out there that will love you and cherish you. God bless you and keep you.
Bros, divorce are good
How long did it take for the pain to ease. I blocked the x to be soon . It is tough but I want away 4 years of on an off again divorced 1time an back again. They narcs are mean.
I love the way she explains things. Dr.R makes complete sense & she has a very clear way of thinking. 💯
Thank you for helping us understand. We have to care for our psychological safety. I have the impression its the only way to heal being loyal to myself instead of the former mind-program of being loyal to all others.
Just finally knowing who these people are and understanding what is going on is so helpful. I had a narcissistic person, who was my whole world, die nearly 2 decades ago and I was in grief for years and years. I went no contact with a narcissist recently, and I am so much better able to cope, and also grieve because I know I'm grieving what I saw as a possibility, not the actual person. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Buy Dr. Ramani's book It's Not You, it's so helpful truly! Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Dr. Ramani is a great book too. I recommend both!
One of the things narcissistic people is doing is all family friends will hear the worst stories from you so when you say goodbye you are just alone and need to start at 0. But it is worth, take your time to heal and process your experiences. The future is worth to choose this path😉
For sure!!! I went no contact for a couple of years after trying everything I could to maintain some sort of relationship with my mother. One day I ran into her and her friends, in a parking lot. There was a positive exchange between us, bc I would never not speak if I ran into her. The next day, I ran into her again but this time she was alone. I said good morning and she gave a dismissive snort, turned her back and walked away. She later called my sister and alluded that I was the one who refused to speak. What a mind eff! It absolutely is manipulation, with a side order of lies, projection and a false facade for her friends. She’s 86 and still going narc balls to the wall.
Well, that was predictable. You are obviously a better person than she will ever be. I handle this by not living in the spaces that people who want to hurt me live. I will not put myself through that.
@@karenk2409That’s a good strategy!
My mother is exactly the same, I really genuinely fail to understand the why behind her behaviour! She always wants to cause chaos and drama and gossip when she could have all the loving doting attention for positive behaviour…it blows my mind
@@P55999 my mother has done the same to me! The smear campaign, saying that I have postpartum depression (which is crazy because my closest friend had postpartum depression and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone let alone my own daughter!), she’s told my in-laws horrific things about me and even my brother but luckily enough they have experienced enough of her toxic chaos to realise that she is likely lying about everything. Nevertheless it’s devastating that she intentionally wants people around me to hate me…..for no reason whatsoever. I wouldn’t treat a friend like that let alone my own flesh and blood, my daughter. It’s hard to ever forgive her, I don’t think I will tbh
No contact is not a lesson, I don't want them around me because i don't want to go to jail for murder.
BINGO!!!!❤😮
Yup
I feel the same way. But something tells me by me going no contact saved me from being killed. There is no telling how far a person will go with no moral compass or since of boundaries
@@djmadijohnsonThey would kill all of us in a heart beat if they thought they could get away with it. It's easier to prove they're a nut job with their constant attempts to contact you, especially if you want nothing to do with them then taking them out for the good of the world. Never underestimate how dangerous they are.
Same. Reactive people are not safe. And self protection can force you to cause harm, which would be horrendous. It’s not a choice
Thank you, Doctor. I was especially blessed to hear you use the term "narcissistic family system". In my wife's large family of 24, most everyone is pleasant and reasonable in individual relationship, but when they get together, they're a nasty crew and the "in laws" are treated poorly - like servants - or the family dog. It took years to get on the same page with my wife about them, when finally I pleaded with her to watch closely how they interact with me - I named the worst of them and the behaviors to be on the watch for. In time, she saw clearly and began responding to them "you can't treat my husband like that" which in the end, got both of us, um, shunned by all of them when they circled the wagons and defended their behavior. What makes it even more muddy, is the role that their religion plays in their sense of entitlement. I believe it could be said "there's narcissism and then there's pious narcissism". The latter in doubly malignant. So glad to be out of there now for our own health and happiness. The guilt is hard to deal with - like by insisting my wife really see them for what they were doing to me - that I cost her her family. But whenever we talk about it - she has an apt view of what transpired "they're punishing me because I failed to control my dog - you". Then she says "lets just live our life, go forward and be happy". And we are. So grateful to be free.
Very helpful! I woke up crying this morning as a no-contact "non"-narc! (Sister checks every narcissist box.) I'm 70 and they only get worse over years.
So glad i found you and your book. About now to pop in on your special--bought book. 💜
Your ability to connect the concept of narcissism to both couples' relationships and work environments is impressive and insightful.
I really enjoy the insights o gain from watching your videos. Probably out of left field for this topic but it dawns on me today that the narcissistic family system denies my reality when it’s too difficult to manage. So they can regulate without acknowledging that my suffering existed growing up and as an adult. Then when you bring it up it’s as if it never existed. To them it really doesn’t. They erased my feelings and my hidden reality. I always wondered how it is that certain types of abuse could go unnoticed or unaddressed in families like sexual abuse. That never happened to me. But it makes sense. The family erased the abuse to regulate and maintain the system. And it abandons the person who suffers. It goes down generations and can happen to any member of the family. I can trace the trauma back at least 6 generations of one side of my family. Maybe like the Bible says, the 7th generation will be the last to suffer it. Who knows, maybe they knew.
Thank you for talking about this!!! THERE ARE NO VIDEOS ON NARCS GOING NO CONTACT. He went no contact with me after so much abuse completely discarded me blocked me on everything after a fight. In the past he has hovered me back every single time, It’s so hard. Because I’m sure he’ll do the hovering again. I decided to take control over the situation and block him back. He unblocked me recently.
I hope you get rid of him now, but I guess he won’t let go, maybe he will send his enabler/“soldiers” now to hover you back in
Please please, look after yourself. They do not care a jot about you. Please think of yourself, your feelings, your health and do not allow them to even come near you again. They will never change, I promise you. Good luck.
Hold him to his decision to block you by keeping him blocked yourself
Be grateful. No Contact is No Contact. He gets off on having you chase him. So don't, ever again.
Keep him blocked to save your soul & your sanity ❤
Each of your words, especially today, is deeply healing, Thank you Dr. Ramani, I appreciate your work and all that you do ... I'll see you and this community later for the retreat ...
Never confuse attention/validation seeking as the same as caring. If not familiar with ‘hoovering’, easy to confuse and assume call is ‘caring’ about you instead of ‘getting attention’.
I Left/No Contact. Wrote list of why I would never communicate with Ex-NPD like again.
BTW, 7 months later they hoover texted for a 'reset/restart'. I reread list and remained No Contact.
Wow! I just commented on your Q&A post. Definitely feels like my daughter is punishing me and her step dad by not allowing us to see her 4 children for 2 years. She’s almost cut us out of her life. Just recently, 2 people have told me she seems narcissistic and one referred me to you!! Never did I think this but wow! The puzzle is finally coming together after decades!! I’m trying to heal and relish this time but I grieve my grandchildren. I pray for all of them every day. Thank you!
It took me a while to fully understand. "Narcissistic no contact" is punishing silent treatment. Not the same as no contact to protect yourself and create space to heal after attempting healthy resolution techniques w/o compromising your boundaries. It is hard to do, especially as you row through the opening floodgates of grief. The key difference I experienced is you're not holding on to altering their behavior, unlike silent treatment's shaming intent.
Spot on! Especially your last sentence
It’s been a long painful process to choose to go no contact with the narcissist toxic/abusive people, and I did it to protect my health and safety. A lot of grief for sure, and extra exhausting pushing back on the enablers who pressure me to keep the narcs in my life no matter what awful thing they do. The narc goes no contact, does the silent treatment, or punishes us in some way if we don’t comply, etc..:and no one questions them. Yet I am shamed for protecting myself from their abuse. So tired of it all. I just don’t care anymore. Focusing on myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
What I've taken with me from being with a covert one: even if they may have no desire to hurt you, once you've been hurt by them, they'll never look at you without seeing their own shame.
I think in some heartbreakingly twisted way, the punishment and gaslighting is their way of simply trying to erase their mistakes, which of course doesn't work, it only makes the shame more profound, and so the abuse snowballs. As long as they can rely on us to maintain the boundaries and fantasy in the relationship, they can be perfectly wonderful people, but the moment a boundary slips it inevitably results in a cascading failure of the relationship. Since they're allergic to self-reflection, it'll always be our fault in their eyes.
Very profound.
Such an inspiring explanation. Thank you for sharing ❤
So true. Loved the last sensetence / my response
Happy to be the villain in your story
No contact requires that the non-narcissistic person refrains from any curiosity about how the narcissistic person is doing. The non-narcissistic person has to steel their mind, avoid peeking at the narcissist’s social media, avoid gossip from others about the narcissistic person. I’ve “snooped” a handful of times on some of the narcissists I went no contact to ensure my physical safety and protect myself and my family. I’ve resisted the temptation to snoop out of any negative emotions or bitter curiosity. It’s not easy. We have to control any impulse to do detective work for validation. I am a natural born detective and puzzle solver. The narcissistic relationships I was born into, family and extended family, friends, lovers and an ex husband, the secrets , the lies, the strange behavior of these narcissistic people, I had to let my curiosity go! I have to Give it to God if I am to have any kind of life without these folks messing with it or me still puzzling out the past. I escaped. I’m out. I’m wiser now. I’m no contact.
It's hard when the N is a close family member and you care about them. They keep you in the dark about everything.
After8 years of trying to navigate and maintain a relationship with my daughter who actually has become narcissistic after moving in with a narcissistic family cult I couldnt take any more. I dont know whether she is a narcissist or a flying monkey for them. After a 40 minute telephone conversation where she raged, accused me of things I didnt do, verbally abused me the entire conversation, and threatened me I finally ended up having to go no contact for my own peace of mind. It has been a struggle. I have felt anger, guilt, shame, depression and my heart is broken. I am finding it hard to move forward but am taking baby steps day by day. You have helped me get through this Dr Ramani. I am so thankful for your videos.
3:23 non-narcissist people go no contacts for protection. Makes sense.
Thank you so much, as usual, you are so helpful, I am contemplating breaking no contact because it is with my son, I have been grieving... Thank you !!!👍❤❤❤
With an adult child it feels more complicated 😢
I understand the pain you are feeling im 80yr old and my son is 60 hes been giving me the silent treatment for 12mths its hard but you must not give in to him may you find peace 😔
@@judystevens6039 12 months (!)😬😳😥
So Brilliant. Had to go back today and listen again. You are so NOT Narcissistic when you go No Contact, even though it feels like the world is telling you so.
My daughter is a narcissist and this is the third time she has gone no contact with me. This last time I was the one that wanted to distance myself from her but when I told her that (via text it’s sometimes impossible to speak with her) I also made the mistake of saying that I was leaving all my jewelry to my granddaughter (the daughter of my other daughter). That’s all it took. She told me to f…off and never, ever contact her or her husband again. She completely closed the door. You are right Dr. Ramani, this has been very, very painful, so much that I had suicidal thoughts and I blacked out one time not even remembering that my mom passed away. My husband was obviously very concerned about me. Watching your videos has helped me tremendously. Thank you for your help.
This is exactly what I’m going through right now. He has gone no contact before using it to punish me or because he can’t handle things about me that are normal in a relationship like asking “what time will you be heading home?” This time I have gone no contact because of his torment of criticizing me and applying rules that I have to follow that I can’t seem to get right. I’m not doing well 😢
Unfortunately, sometimes non-narcs feel like they're the narcissist when they go no contact because it has some of the same vibes as the narc's behavior - silent treatment, aloof, not caring, "punishing." There's also the narc's smear campaign when they realize something is up.
My covert narc mom has gossiped about people who are cold, distant, evasive, uncaring... She doesn't self-reflect on how her behavior affects other behavior so she sees that as something "wrong" with the other person. She also gaslights that her toxic behavior and emotional dysregulation are due to "concern" and "how reality works" and other nonsense.
This! I'm struggling with this right now.
I totally understand this and I feel like I needed my mom with my husband
I’m stuggling with this exact thing right now. I go no contact. He gets mad and finds other ways to contact. Even using Venmo. He said I like control because I blocked. When it’s the other way around. I find myself second guessing constantly and wondering if I’m the narcissist.. Because the guilt he puts on me when I try to establish boundaries. Mind f
Currently how I feel. I’m just tired
Maybe she doesn’t realize it fully about herself?
I hadn't spoken to her for a few months and then noticed she blocked me. (I didn't block her because I felt like she was trying to get a reaction out of me) I was soooo relieved to be blocked!
It seems the people who are protective of narcissists’ reactions don’t remember very well the dangerous behavior of the narcissist and that narcissists themselves don’t know when they will put others in harms way. I have seen and know of many grandiose, entitled, vindictive narcissists. You NAILED it again. There is nothing about it trying to protect themselves when you see smoke coming out of their ears as they talk enraged. It is a dangerous place where they are when they get this way. Thanks so much!!!
This is so helpful. I have run into narcissism at different stages in my life. I can recognize it now and am more careful who I bring into my circle. I recently had to set boundaries with a narcissistic neighbour. She has taken to trashing my name around my neighbourhood. I knew this was going to happen. However, I still questioned myself. I don't think it ever will get easy, but material like this helps provide strength and support.
My narcissistic friend has gone no contact. They managed to make it my fault that they had to leave in a twisted way. Then when I said I was hurt, justified it, said they would honor my need for space but asked that I allow them to let me know when I am “ok” to talk to for them again. It’s like I’ve become contaminated by proxy for demons they believe I’m connected with. Literally lol. Geez
The narcs are the true demons. Beware
I agree with you 100%.
It's truly serendipitous the way you touch on topics that directly affect me at the same time as your videos. My goodness.
I have always appreciated your work and thank you for all you have done for so many people.
My narc went no contact with me first. And the entire time I felt like I was just being played like a pawn in a chess match. She would get me back to where she wanted me or she'd be gone. Realizing that she would rather manipulate me than trust me and have an open and honest conversation really opened my eyes to how I was seen all along. Somewhere in my mind I knew that I was always considered "less than" then suddenly one day, I had proof.
I miss my NEX. I still wish I could save her from herself. But when someone like that shows you just how little you've always mattered to them... what's the point?
This is 💯 Spot On with my experience in going No Contact ! It has been 5 months now and everything you met, I felt with making the choice! It has help
Me heal, brought clarity and made me understand what self love truly means! Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!
When they go no contact, they wat to punish you, they take away people, places and things away from you to punish you, sometimes, right up until they die. So even if you aren't supported for doing your thing, live well because you can!
Thank you for making the distinction for those people who make excuses for NPD people at around 6:00. It doesn’t help victims to frame it like this and the channels I see promoting this more empathic view are doing victims a disservice
This. Exactly. I tried to “fix” some misunderstandings between my narc brother and I. When I challenged him, he totally lost his temper and IMMEDIATELY took me off social media etc because he was angry, wanted to punish me and saw he lost control of the narrative. After counselling and a great deal of thought, I decided it was better for my mental health to have NO contact AT ALL. I could no longer keep up the toxic, unhealthy patterns. It was NOT easy but it was NECESSARY. He tried to interact with me like nothing was wrong, sent crazy ass emails and trash talked me to our mum. It was awful, BUT not having that toxic influence has been so much better for me.
I am currently in a no contact with my stepmother (narcissist). “being taught a lesson”. I had major surgery a week ago…. Not a peep.
Hope your recovery goes well!
Does she know you had surgery? Does your Dad? Wouldn't you rather see your Dad anyway?
@@SoundsBogus yes she knows. Someone I know told her, a week before the surgery. My dad passed away from complications,
due to a car accident two years ago. My natural mother died when I was nine years old and two of my sisters died in separate car crashes. Needless to say, I have experienced a very traumatic and complicated life. I will skip the bad stuff….
At this point, all that I have left is “her”.
How ironic is that?
My dad married her when I was five years old. Since that age I have “seen” her for who she is. A true narcissist.
I am an INFJ. She has targeted me my whole life and I really can’t stand to be around her (tho I try 💪). She has a 1,000 ways to make me feel a lesser person. From subtle to cruel.
Life is such a journey. 🕯️
@@PhotonBeast Thank you. 👍✨
@@Jason-xb3jh I pray you can let her go and make room in your heart and mind for real love. ❤
I'm broken but still going :)
I suppose you will heal soon
Hang in there. It's tough but you're tougher.
I hear you and understand. The struggle is definitely real. Keep going. YOU are worth with!!🩵
That makes 2 of us, you are not alone❣️❣️❣️
You're not broken... you're beautiful. Your wounds will be the place where light enters you. Life is so beautiful without these crazy people, the best is yet to come.
yes, yes YES...Thank you for clarifying the difference between the 2 types of no contact. And how to not confuse them as being the same. They are very different, and that is in the person's intent on why they are doing the no contact.
Over two years since I went no contact from my best friend of 27 years and I still come back to these videos due to the guilt that still comes up.
Multiple years ago, my best friend cut contact with me due to how I had changed when I was in my first long term relationship. It was very confusing and hurtful.
Years later when I went no contact, I told him how much I loved him and wanted him to be free to be himself just like how I wanted to be fully myself.
He was so angry and upset with me.
I cherish many of the memories with him, as I grew up with him. But it was time to move on.
I send everyone reading this love and light, we are all on this journey together❤️
Well let me be the first to say it was beyond easy for me to go NC to the narc spouse and his family etc. I truly thought we were family until we weren’t. That was disappointing because I was blindsided by their actions. Once I realized that he never love me and I married an imposter I can’t unsee anything, the blinders are gone. I can’t mourn disrespect🤷🏾♀️
Well said.
This.
Thank you! Having someone talk about my issue with my adult daughter is such a breath of fresh air. She uses No Contact with me as a knee-jerk reaction to boundaries I try to put in place. It varies from a few days to a few weeks or a few months. It is a form of punishment for her.
I went no contact with my ex-husband. Then he turned around and blocked me on Facebook. So happy to be done with all the drama.
I am so thankful for you and this channel. Thank you, when i cant put to words often i come here and feel more on my feet. Like theres actually people who get it when the storm of people around me dont.
I can be honest 200% without fear its going to be that black mirror episode. And disbelief of my reality which is real and has its own grief level.
When the narcissistic does it, it's temporary and they are just giving the silent treatment. When we do it, we've just reached the end of our rope and are looking for a way out
Great video. I went no contact with an individual who didn't respect my time or input. Ii had voiced my concerns. t took awhile to decide to go no contact.She was in disbelief and I was done.I knew to stand my ground. She then played the victim again. Good riddance.
When the narc in my life goes no-contact, I jump for joy! And yes, it is always because I have called them out on their BS.
This is so interesting to me as my only parent would disappear for seemingly no reason for months at a time. I’d get so worried at the lack of response and ask others if they were ok, and of course, I would hear they responded and were fine. I’d wait and wait and 6 months seemed to be enough time out of contact from me. I’d usually just get a forwarded email or something non committal, and I’d jump back on the sinking ship no questions asked. I’ll never understand these people but it definitely was different when it became my turn to go no contact.
Thank you so much for this video! My husband and I experienced both types of NO CONTACT. I had to quite talking to my sister a few years ago because her toxic behaviour was unbearable. Fortunately, we all (third sister plus parents and us) agreed to take part in a family therapy, because the grief was even more unbearable and we could fix it. It is still a long way to o, but I am totally positive!
The other NO CONTACT was a big shock for us because as soon as my husband and I had our first baby his best friend stopped talking to him. His fiancé told him to do so. Her reason: my husband would not be able to be such a good friend anymore because he has become a father. We tried to talk to them, because at first we could not understand what was happening. But more and more we realized that they were playing quite a cruel game with us. Unfortunately, the poison has sunk in. It is still hard to overcome the fact that all the trust we once had was betrayed.
They go no contact after the love-bombing’s phase, it’s like a cycle.
Yes, truma bonding
Just wanted to say: Your videos have been incredibly helpful in my life present day. I went no contact a year ago from my narcissistic former best friend of 14 years. Enough was enough. The dominos fell one-by-one, and I of course lost his family out of my life - lost five to ten people within the span of months in 2023. I was so incredibly betrayed and angry at waking up to what I was blind to. I still feel the grief today, but I went through every stage you talk about - even gaslighting myself if I was the one in the wrong. I wasn't wrong. It was life shattering - one of the most painful things I ever woke up to cutting out 14 years of friendship - but my life is literally better now and continuing in a positive direction. I'm now finding a relationship with myself, and it says a lot that I feel "freer" to be myself. My life is moving forward away from that narcissist I used to call a brother. Liberating. These videos have been tremendous for me in educating myself about this life event. Thank you.
Dr. Ramani's work is absolute gold man! Thank you Dr. for all that you do. Bringing amazing awareness and sheding the light!
Ma'am you know my girl😮 don't you ??? And you even know what see looks like. Because you just painted a perfect picture of her. Lol... Thank you, you sure know what your talking about !!! You are the best.
The day he threatened to kill me, after years of accelerating hell, I ran and never looked back. Even with a protective order, he kept trying to inject himself and control the narrative. On my lawyer's advice, I left all social media when he attacked me there. I blocked him on my phone to stop the texts. He sent letters, including telling me I could still come back and "do penance" (!) - those all went to my lawyer. He prolonged the divorce until the judge got sick of him and called it quits (so grateful!) He told family members that I was pursuing him, totally outrageous!
All this was after 46 years, and leaving him saved my life but cost me some of my family. Of course there was terrible grief. Disentangling from these warped, selfish, and malignant people is no picnic, but thank God I did, finally. I found my soul and safety, even though I'll have to live with sadness for the rest of my life. You pay a high price for ever getting involved with these kinds of people. I was very young when I married, from a very good family, and had absolutely no clue.
Godspeed to you and congratulations on your escape. You now have your own life. Be well, my friend.
@@clairelane3642 Thank you. After 5 years, I am healthier than I have ever been, and am now a doctoral candidate (PhD History). I love my life, am beginning to travel, have learned to garden, and surround myself with true friends. Leaving an abusive relationship is a torture gauntlet, but there is light at the end of that journey through hell. I extend support whenever I can.
I went no contact with my narc sister. Years of walking on egg shells, being screamed at. Got to the point of an almost hatred feeling coming from within me. Now I'm being gaslighted, she's got her flying monkeys and playing the victim, telling lies. Not playing her games anymore. Done. Finished. Hope I never hear her voice ever again
Years of RUclips tens of thousands of videos I've never actually left a comment before until today I feel a strong need to thank you. I recently found your channel and currently binge watching it all. You are an amazing human doing the work of thousands of doctors, I'm sad to see your subscribers and views are less then you deserve. Trying to stop myself from writing a novel here, anyhow thank you for being you, truly 🤗
Such excellent points in the difference between the way the narcissist and the non-narcissistic person in the relationship go no contact. In my experience as a survivor of a 5-year relationship with a narcissist, though, when I finally went no contact, I have to admit that the anger and the desire to punish him was also wrapped up in the grief, guilt, and sadness of the loss. I did think, "I'll show him!" but it felt like I was claiming my voice and my power after years of mistreatment, not trying to control him. My anger fueled my resolve to protect myself. So I can't really claim completely pure motivations of self-protection. I did what I had to do to stop the Dance.
4 minutes in someone finally gets me.
3 words explain the unexplainable.
LOSS OF HOPE.
When life is good on every front, HOPE is a beautiful word. If life gets in the way, again, HOPE is beautiful, but after this, HOPE is HOPELESS, pointless, meaningless, and holds no value as it gives no promise.
HOPE for the best, but you better prepare for the worst. HOPEFULLY in time, I become HOPEFUL that
HOPE returns in all its beauty.
"Are you ready to forgive me?" So typical! They reframe the situation in a way that they appeal to your empathy, in my experience at least. Because it was never about forgiving her, but if you're not careful, you say "of course" and then you're back in and then you wonder "How the hell am I back in?". I have a tip, it worked for me very well. Whenever you feel that a question or a statement is hiding a false premise, take a note app and reply there and then correct your reply and then take your time to explain to yourself why do you feel that way, etc. and then try to answer politely but without taking the bait. I'm currently a few days after my first relationship with a narcissist, she still texts me slighty loaded messages. I still care about her, so she's leveraging on that. I watch Ramani's videos every day to keep myself on the track!
100% correct in your every sentence, you are so pretty on the spot, that's how I feel after being married to narcissist 34 yrs, 2 yrs separated but feeling vulnerable, seeking attention, yes questioning my choice
Once again, thank you Dr. Ramani. You are such a blessing ❤ Thank you for clarifying no contact. I have felt so guilty in going no contact in order to protect myself. I struggled with thoughts of guilt and wondering if I was being narcissistic. I have rewatched this video twice all ready - it has been so helpful in helping me remain steadfast to stay no contact and not caving.
One of my Uncles used the silent treatment. Often the reason was not discernible or was very petty. He could cold shoulder a person for a whole month! My husband had a friend who did the same. It’s cruel, especially to a child or vulnerable person. And they know, or at least hope, that they are causing pain to the person they do this to. That they knowingly do this, tells all you need to know about them.
My ex went no contact with me after we separated because I was finally seeing him for what he is and not having him around at all gave me room to think for myself. It's painful, but it's not a bad thing. I think he went NC because he didn't want to be perceived in any other way than how he had historically presented himself to me. Out in the bigger world narcissistic people don't want to hang around with people they can't charm and manipulate, people who don't buy in to their self-representation. They lose interest quickly in such people and move on to people who are more useful and believe whatever their current narrative is. It makes sense that in the case of a break down of what from the outside appears to have been a functional marriage is a minefield for them. Going no contact allows them to present a narrative in which they're the victim, they're the one suffering. Narcissists love a pity party. I'm sure it's great fodder for that.
How were you able to heal?
Hi Dr Ramani. I am grateful that i could reach your videos. They are like grounding sessions for me. I have been no contact for 5 months now and the worst part was that i asked him to leave as he had crossed all boundaries. At times i stalk him, but with your videos and my therapy with reality checks, my friends say “We cant believe you are progressing so fast”
I have thanked my therapist and also want to Thank you 💐
Well said Dr. and I agree with you that it's necessary from the non narcissist to initiate no contact. The problem is staying no contact and maybe a topic for future discussion. Keep up the great work.
As you're aware, this is bang on. I reiterate it for your followers who may be unsure.. Thank you.
Thank you for this extremely supportive and validating message dr Ramani ❤😊 we go no contact because of the need for psychological safety and protection we must provide ourselves with on our healing journey from the narcisistic abuse. God bless you ❤
Still trying to get the hell away from my parents. Been years of trying to figure it out with therapy. It's really tough, but I don't want to be in a cult where I am denegrated on the regular. She's absolutely right in this video. Tears your damn soul out and the guilt.
"Teaching someone a lesson".....yessssss
Thank you SO MUCH for speaking on this, I have struggled to find support for the flipside experience that is so very painful and damaging. ❤❤❤