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Unless they take you to court. These old narc grandparents love using the court system, even if there is no basis, to try a final trump card on keeping you under their control.
True, especially considering their only power is through manipulation. Narcissists know people won't give them narcissistic supply willingly, thus they manipulate you into doing it. When manipulation stops working, narcissists have nothing left.
I thought that when my mom passed, I would feel sad but also mostly relieved. I yellow-rocked her for most of my adult life. When she did pass, I felt some grief right around the event, but then there really wasn't much feeling at all. I was a little bit disappointed...I was hoping to feel more relieved.
@@verilyheld jeez. That is bad. I was told not to come back home because there was nothing for me at home, over the phone. I was also told don't call just text.
i told my father when i was 12 yo that he was nothing but a biological producer. 25 years later as he is a raging alcoholic and totally manipulative freak, i start to realize why i felt this all the way back then. he also tells people that he doesnt care about anything beyond his lifespan. not a single word about his kids or grandkids. its a mixture of disgust and self-hate that this has left me with. i dont know how to deal with it. it makes me hate to be alive. [EDIT: I always wanted to be on my own...but guess what. my parents and my exwife always faked to be willing to do the family thing. but in the end they just used it for their own needs without ever being honest about what it was all about. now its clear,, it was just about not being perceived badly in public settings and for keeping up the illusion in front of other people. when nobody looks, they act like soulless zombies only focused on their own instant gratification.
@@the_horror_fan Indeed, it took her death for me to wake up, realise how truly unnatural a 'mother' she was. Heck, her sisters were often afraid of her!
@@vivianp5962 oh, yes. I got both of those. No actual conflict resolution. Just love bombing with gifts and saccharin sweetness that was performative so I'd let my guard down again and they could go back to using me.
I’ve been disinherited by a minimum of 250k and I don’t give a sh!t. They can keep their money. I am content with being poor the rest of my life as long as I don’t have to put up with my parents toxic behavior. I’ve gone no contact with the entirety of my family since they are all enablers and continue to side with my parents and talk crap about me to this day. Why am I disinherited? I am not religious, I have tattoos and piercings, I am queer, I am a disabled artist with no career. I raised my children to be who they want to be and I do not control them. All my parents can say is that I did horrible things as a child. It’s insane. I was not a horrible child, I was an abused child.
They love to twist scripture and cherry pick it to suit their own evil agenda. The Bible also says to "give honor to whom honor is due"....It's not due to ABUSERS. Also 2 Tim 3:1-5 includes narcissistic parents. Verse 5 says "and from such TURN AWAY"....(of course you can only do that as an adult).
Yep. God does NOT bless the abusers! He knows more about it than we do because He hears all and sees all, including the darkness and wickedness in their hearts!@@BlackSheep380
@BlackSheep380 In addition to that, whenever someone tries to use the "honor thy mother and father" trope, let them know that it's meant to be taken METAPHORICALLY. God was talking about our "Higher Self" aka the father and the "Holy Spirit" aka the mother. Forgot the verse, but he LITERALLY told us NOT to place our biological parents before him JUST FOR THE READONS WERE SPEAKING ABOUT! HE KNEW!!
Most family Scapegoats are disinherited, myself included. That's part of our earthly role we are born into. We are literally born into this world orphans with fake "parents".
I was counting on my inheritance I really needed and still need that money, there were millions of dollars and now I'm poor, mentally ill, and completely alone in the world, I wish I was dead
Jerry Wise is the loving "father" who checks in on me several times a week - by email. And sends nuggets of wisdom and loving encouragement. Thank you, Jerry I'm so glad you're on my team! 💙
My mom makes everything about herself, complains about her family and parents, believes everyone else is the problem, everyone else is the narcissist. And believes she was not abusive. And that im a spoiled brat who is crazy and sick.
Yep! I concur with my mom ... Try to talk to her about anything always comes back to her saying " well, I didn't have it so easy either." I've given up trying to say anything bro her & my stepdad about what's bothering me or how I think & feel
“I don’t care if they’re 90 and you’re 60, you’re still the child” !!! This applies to family members who may be only several years older than you too! That hit home. I am in my 60s but in most of my family’s view I am apparently still 6 to 12 years old. I am so glad to have finally stepped away. Sorry I allowed myself to be roped back in for awhile.
I had a company come in and throw away EVERYTHING. I live in PA and they were in CA. The few things of value that were lost were worth my peace of mind.
Here are the threats my covert narc mother used a lot: 1. When you are old you will die alone because of what you did to me 2. Cutting me out of the will ... while still keeping me as executor 3. Smear campaign - it worked 4. Call the police if I don't respond to her calls I cut her out of my life a few years before she died. I was cut out of the will and lost about $1 million because of it. She gave it all to my son, who she effectively turned against me ... as she also did with the entire extended family of 50+. It was worth it.
I'll be cut out of a few million too. Luckily, I cut them all out when my wife was pregnant with our first. Thank you for your story and validation. Not only did you get no money, your kids were also turned against you ~ that was my fear too. Your story can help others break away sooner.
Sounds like my story to about my mother and I'm a only child and I went no contact on her about 7mo ago and she has completely turned my adult son and daughter against me 😢 it's like know one understand I felt alone till reading y'all story but Im standing on business this time and I'm finding peace with out being around her
I want peace above all. I am bringing my mother her clothes and belongings as she is now happier with the narc sister and thank you yes she can take the money….u r right, after all I have my own house. Ty for this topic today.
As a survivor of two narcissistic parents, the main thing I learned is that narcissists ARE EVIL 😳😳😳 they KNOW what they are doing is wrong yet they CONTINUE ANYWAY. So I left them…& many other narcissists in my family 😢 with ZERO GUILT…none!!!…I chose to live & enjoy the life GOD GAVE ME!!!!
When I would protest my mother’s mistreatment she would blameshift and tell me how much of an awful daughter I was. Then she would terrorize the whole house with her anger. So much so that the other family members would wish you to just shut up and take it. She would also come home( from work,or groceries etc.) and be mad as a hatter as she came through the door( obviously something from work or whatever)…and she would blameshift the cause of her anger to you.( if someone had challenged/criticized her at work or whatever, she could never deal with that inside herself. She who is never wrong!)
When I went no contact - the threats were that they will report me and look for me with the help of police. What was the idea.? To report a missing child that is 30+ years old
i have disinherited my self because she used that thinking i care about the inheritance as much as she does. and i have disinherited my self from A LOT.... she used every single one of those threats. i keep comming back to these videos because i am fighting with guilt so bad. these videos remind me i am not crazy
100%- it’s so incredibly difficult to try to convince the police who’ve been called by your “concerned mother” to explain that you’re not actually suicidal, and your parent is using police and emergency department staff to terrorize you.
I'm lucky, I've had a better police experience. The police have both shown up (once) and called me (once) to "check on me" at my mom's prodding. It was pure manipulation on her part because she had been using me all my life as a free 24/7 therapist on call, and I had decided to stop. (A) I was not trained as a therapist, and (B) I had never been appropriately put in this role, and (C) even if I had been trained would never have been on call for any client 24/7. I had read that the word "but" is particularly triggering to people with NPD, so I explained to her as nicely as I could that I was concerned about her strong emotions and I could not meet her needs and I was not trained as a therapist. I said that I thought she needed an actual therapist because it seemed she was struggling, reiterating that I was not trained in doing this and that I was very concerned about her. In essence, I had kindly but gently set a boundary. As the doc says, she was "allergic to boundaries." In this case, hiring a therapist would require the effort and cost of hiring one (which most normal parents would simply accept and do rather than drain their children). Worse, it would mean facing an actual adult therapist who on a regular basis would call her on the codependency and misperception of appropriate child-parent relationships. A therapist would also hold her accountable for improving her own life in adult ways of meeting her emotional support needs, such as learning emotional management techniques and joining activity groups or clubs, religious or spiritual organizations, or even political committees. She much preferred having me as an emotional support vending machine whom she could simply dump her unhappy emotions into at will and take energy from at any time, with no responsibility on her part for managing her own emotional state or her own need for human contact. Calling the police in my town was therefore her response, sending them to my house or having them call me because she was "concerned." I explained to the police on both occasions very calmly and sadly that my mother is mentally ill, then apologized to them for her having bothered them. I said in a tired but calm voice that if she calls again claiming she's "worried about me" they should simply ignore her; that I'm not a person prone to suicidality and am also highly intuitive so I don't put myself into dangerous situations. Explained that I'm perfectly fine (mentioned my long, respectable professional career as well, which luckily I had been able to hold down) and explained gently that she's just unstable and they can ignore any such calls in future. They haven't contacted me again. In dealing with pressure from Mom, however, I spent years upholding this boundary and repeating myself over and over - in the face of attempted bullying, rage, and accusations. It was exhausting, but I held my ground. I would each time repeat the same things about her needing a therapist, my concern for her, my lack of training... and again list the many options she could pursue to meet her friendships needs (animal rescue, birdwatching, neighborhood tree planting, town cleanup, clubs, political action committees, hobby groups, etc.). I needed her to make adult friends in her local area and pursue activities with them, which she resisted vehemently. Eventually, however, Mom - an extrovert - finally had to accept that I wasn't going to be the emotional vending machine anymore, so she'd better pursue some other avenues even if it required effort and relating with adults. She even got a therapist. And began pursuing a number of those activities for the social contact and fun she needed. I couldn't help thinking ironically how much better she had to behave toward those folks (showing respect and listening, for example), so it was good training for her as well as helping my well-being. At least in my case, Mom was willing to grow. Even if it did take repeated boundary setting on my part for decades.
That’s horrible! I’m sorry she has done that… but also not unheard of 🤦♀️ I used to work in law enforcement and unfortunately, they get calls like that but they still have to check it out… There’s also elderly people that get lonely and sometimes call about “suspicious” things just so some people come talk to them… Police/ emergency people see all kinds of situations so they should understand you ❤
@@falconbritt5461 oh yes that’s a great idea to ask them to ignore such calls. Most departments should have some system where they can make notes about particular addresses. Or if it’s a small town, they can just talk to each other and they’ll all know what’s up.
When I had a mental heath crisis, my mother convinced my brother that I was suicidal snd they called the police and had me taken to the ER and admitted against my will. I wasn’t suicidal, I just realized the truth and was depressed about it.
Coercively controlling family members are so draining. I resisted provocation by one of them for months, but finally lashed out against her. She predictably used my reaction to smear me to other family members, who, I was shocked to learn, were so eager to see her as a victim and me as an offender, they bought her story completely, with no questions. It took months for me to take this in, and more months to grieve.
To hell with their inheritance. There is nothing a narcissistic parent has that you yourself can't work hard and earn yourself. Ur a scapegoat child ,u are hard working,ur creative,ur resourceful etc u can earn more and achieve more in life than ur narcissistic family members/parents
Threat of the orphanage when i was younger when she detached from all extended family. Now she threatens my invite to Xmas. She stops speaking. I dont belong to any family unless she says so. Im done, thanks to Jerry's wise words. 🙏🙏
I wouldn’t say my adoptive mother was as bad as some of the other parents in this comment section (though I am aware it’s not a contest, and while she’s helped me, she’s also damaged me in some ways), but she threatened me with boarding school once when I was behaving like a relatively normal kid, just not how she thought I should be (which to be fair, was quite frequent from what I remember. I had undiagnosed high functioning autism, and possibly some form of ADHD. I wasn’t really rowdy, just easily distracted and daydreamed a lot when she was expecting me to be tidying my room etc). I already got bullied a lot at normal school, and had other issues with socialising, so didn’t think I’d survive going to one where I’d only be able to go home for holidays/weekends. Looking back, it might have been better for me, considering what a-dad was like, but at the time, I just felt kind of disappointed that even someone who claimed to want me enough to go through the courts to keep me, would want to shove me out of the way like that.
My younger sister was in hospice for 10 days before passing away recently from complications from diabetes. Our Narcissistic mom NEVER came to visit her in hospice. I’m still upset about that and feel my mom could have done more before my sister got so sick. I told my Mom I needed some time to grieve & heal after experiencing watching my sister die. She responded by telling me she’s lost 2 daughters & have a good life…and I haven’t heard from her since 12/2023
The threat I received often, usually when I tried to say no, was that God was going to punish me, and I better watch out. I would then feel so much anxiety, because I knew God was Powerful! I’ve decided that was “ using God’s name in vain”.
God is loving, He is kind & He is forgiving. God gave man free will because He does not want to 'force' us to do anything. If God, Himself, does not use His power that way, then a parent shouldn't either. I'm sorry you experienced that. Always remember that God loves and adores you. Stay blessed❤
The "god" the narcissist believes in is indeed Satan..and unfortunately they carry out his will while on earth ,& most of them will join him in 🔥🔥🔥 when's it's all over .. the good news is the Lord Jesus Christ can and will give you victory over Satan...and the narcissist aka Satan's puppet
I wasn't threatened to be abandoned, I was threatened to be legally kept at home the rest of my life because my dad was angry I was moving out like a normal person does in life 😂
It never stops, it’s happening as I speak. I’m 59 years old and my mother just today is using things against me from when I was a kid. When my landlord wanted “more from me than just a tenant” he evicted me, I searched and searched for a place to live and nothing was available. Well, she finally came and said I could stay at her apartment but it was against what everyone in the family told her, she told me they told her to just let the police set me on the side of the road. And the last 3 years have been the most traumatic. I finally got away from her, and she lives 45 minutes away from me, but it’s still going on. Today I blocked her from calling or texting me, I can’t handle it, but I feel guilty. She used my mental health issues against me, I can’t do it.
Stay strong the best you can & don’t unblock her. I had to change my phone number because even though she was blocked she was still able to leave voice mails. She even had the audacity to contact my ex husband from 20+ years ago to try & get my new phone number. He told our son this. I moved away as well. I’ve been final no contact for over a year now. I’m 55. The guilt will fade with time. Journaling all the evil they put us through really helps when the guilt arises…you can look back at all she put you through. I wish you so much peace ✌️💜✨
@@gem7078 Thank you, but the guilt and shame, I’ve been called a loser with nothing to offer anyone and my brother said I’m a piece of shit, my dad who is dead now called me garbage on the side of the road, he was physically abusive. She even told me things that my then doctor told her and broke my HIPPA rights. My papaws brother left me some money when he died and my mother said what in the Hell did she do to deserve that. Even told me my son said to leave me on the side of the road. I would move but I can’t, I’m on disability right now having back surgery soon and another knee replacement surgery. She lives about 45 minutes away. I’ve cried all day. She will have one of her friends call or text me 😢🤦🏽♀️
It's sadly common for these vicious people to try to use people's mental health conditions against them in various ways.The 🚹 I ❤️ was KNOWINGLY not treated for very severe & obvious Depression when he was 15, his narcy 💩 parents likely did that just to break his wings so he wouldn't be able to easily escape...They just lied & tried to act like he was fine even though his walking garbage pail of a mom told me they'd KNOWN for a WHILE that he needed treatment🤢🤮.Just keep on moving in a much healthier direction without them even if it isn't always easy🌞👍.
I was terrified of my mother. Besides some physical abuse, the mind games put me in a state of constant alert. Days of not speaking to me ruined me. Always looking for approval, or else she would just ignore me. Everyone thought she was so great. I was also terrified that she would die because she said she would come back and haunt me (she was into the paranormal, so it didn't seem implausible to me). Then my ex turned out to be the same, but that's another story?!
When I was a child, my mother used my fear of her death against me, sadistically enjoying my terror. By the time I was seven years old, she had already taken me to many funeral homes to see the bodies in coffins of people we didn't even know, just to watch how terrified I was. Then for months after that, she pretended to die right in front of me in the middle of her yelling rampages, hoping that I would sob uncontrollably over her asking her to come back. My dad was always at work when she did these things, but one day I told him about it, despite the fact mother had me believing he would "end us all" if I ever told him. To my surprise, he cared a lot and told me the next time she pretended to die lying on the floor unconscious, I was to lift up her skirt and announce I was going to get the camera to take a picture of her that way because dad wanted to put a gold frame on the photograph... She never did it again, and surprisingly, I didn't get in trouble.
My mother started with those at a young age. She would threaten to divorce my dad when i was 7 and then ask me " you would live with me right, because you love me more" My parents are in their 70's now and still together. She threatened to jump in front of a train if " this situation didn't change" (me being no contact with her). She threatened my dad with divorce if he didn't make me come back " home" (this was when i was 49. On my birthday.. because.. of course) She also threatened having me committed to an mental hospital when i was in my 30, when it was clear i would not comply anymore, so i must have been so " sick" that a mental hospital was the only sollution.
Omg, very similar story i have with you, only my parents are divorced and they destroyed part of my life with using me, forcing to chose side and to accept their new partners, My mother started when i was 5.
My parents weaponized the mental health community against me as well. Scared me so bad by putting me on mind altering meds and in an out patient mental health treatment center and therapy for years. I was simply in a toxic home environment with a lot of scapegoating and projection. A lot of bursting into my room at any moment and screaming at me about whatever was the "offense of the day". I hadn't picked up my socks from the bathroom floor. I actually got in trouble for crying because I had been terribly bullied one particular day (was bullied constantly but some days were worse than others). When I finally got the courage to stand up for myself, I was punished and finally told I had mental problems. My mom actually drove to be checked into a mental hospital because I refused to say sorry when my dad screamed at me and I told him I didn't care anymore what he thought because he was being a total jerk yelling at me all the time over such minor things and I had had enough. They would have admitted me but as we were in a waiting room, I asked to go to the bathroom. When I walked past the dry erase board next to the nurses station, I saw my name under admittance there. When I looked around, I saw no one around, so I licked my finger and erased my name off the board. I then hurried to the bathroom, rinsed my finger, and went back to the room. After 3 hours of waiting my mom finally got fed up and announced, "this wait is ridiculous, we are going home. Come on." I saved myself that day from entering a place that can help people but I didn't belong there...within a year, I got my own self off the meds they had me on to force compliance (made me into a sluggish zombie with no feelings at all). I stayed super busy out of the household and made sure I got straight A's in high school so my parents couldn't complain about me in any way. Moved out at 20. Has taken me another 20 years to realize I was still pretty much still under their thumb even though I was fully financially independent, married with my own kids and home owned free and clear. Been working for 5 years on myself and I finally had a breakthrough from one of Jerry's videos talking about getting your parents out of your head and not going into theirs and self differentiating. I thought physical distance or low contact was the solution but it's breaking the bonds that connected our minds that has given me my first sense of peace. Hang in there and keep working on yourself. You can do it and you are worth it. Your peace is worth it 🙏❤🎉
I get married in September and my mother texted me a couple of months ago saying she no longer wishes to come to my wedding as she feels excluded after seeing I booked a honeymoon with my husband and child to Disneyland Paris & didn’t invite her. She hasn’t taken me a holiday since before she met her husband 14 years ago… my response was silence. She’s blocked and isn’t coming. Heartbreaking but the only way to keep my sanity.
After my narcissistic mother passed away at age 89, for a while I felt as though she was a "phantom limb", like when someone gets a limb amputated but they still feel like it's there. But also I felt a great relief since I was able to accept there was no longer any need to attempt to have a real mother after she passed. It suddenly seemed like the entire world was a blank canvas ready for me to paint a masterpiece.
@@danielkaiser8971 I felt similar about my adoptive dad - I was relieved when he passed, but then felt a lot more anger and swinging emotions for months after. I’d been keeping my distance from the age of six, even though we all lived together until he died.
The last straw for me was when I was threatened to be cut from the will for not helping my parents move house. I didnt confront them, I just greatly reduced contact.
Thank you for mentioning that confronting a narc wouldn't solve the issue (and could possibly make it worse). My narc parents are (thankfully) dead now, but many times I regretted not confronting them. 30 years ago, even before I knew the term 'narcissist' I had the good sense to go "no contact" because they were destroying my mental and physical health with their toxic behavior. Yes, I lost any inheritance, but I kept my sanity.
One of the problems my siblings have had with me is that I got help outside of the family to deal with the trauma we experienced. That is when I got disowned. The myth of the great marriage or what great parents Mom & Dad had continues. Jerry is right that the abandonment has been going on before the threats. It's why you never feel safe around them. Listen to this video a couple of times during the week to let it soak in.
And this is why I refuse to tell my parents where and sister where I live...I managed to move away without them knowing. Praise God! Still the games continue from a distance, my Mum told me she had life saving surgery a few weeks ago...I didn't know...know realise no one will tell me if my parents pass away. I have to come to terms with that. I feel guilty and sad for them, but I tried so hard to keep the family together at my own cost. I pray for healthy reconciliation, and it's in God's mighty hands. Thanks for the video Jerry. I am trying to be wise!!!! 😅
A typical threat towards me was to tell me, as you are somehow disabled to manage your life, come home we will tell you what to do- that‘s just the opposite of what I did while parentifying them. This is very disturbing. I never got why they were doing that. So my inner peace was always threatened, I could never figure out why.
The “disown” thing surprised me that it was common. My father did that to me…. Then later when I went grey rock and he wanted to know why, I brought up how he said he didn’t even want to be my father and “disowned” me… then he “couldn’t remember” ever saying that… he’s completely delusional… he always “forgets” all of his abuse, just completely blocks it out, and thinks he’s such a wonderful person… now I’ve been no contact for decades and it’s much better. With really extreme narcissists, I think there’s just no version of healthy contact … I’ve tried many times and always regret my attempts, unfortunately. I don’t hold a grudge but I just can’t handle contact with him. Like the past is the past and I don’t want new issues in the current/future.
You're darn right! Full-blown narcs will (NEVER) be able to have healthy nontoxic relationships,you can even throw them in therapy for many years & they still won't recover😮💨...& it gets even WORSE if sociopathy is involved because they're a "malignant narc" at the most extreme end of the narcissist spectrum😱💩💩💩.
Before my elderly narcissistic mother passed away, I had been in "no contact" with her for 11 years. The no contact was broken for a few months when my dad passed away. During this time I spoke with my mother and asked her about specific times in my past where she hurt me. She had already rehearsed the one and only answer, "I believe you, but I don't remember". So I tested her, I brought up another time she hurt me but I added in a false accusation, and she immediately spoke up saying that's not how it happened. She remembered, she just didn't want to face any accountability. When you said your father "couldn't remember", it reminded me of this. I think narcissists have a very selective memory.
@@danielkaiser8971 super additional Info. Thanks. IT seems they are Like children. My mum destroyed me as a child, reasking what i die wrong lead to Terror from her She Said that i try to kill her by thousands of attacks. And told me she would Not give Me anything when she ist dead. Problem: she Had thrown Out all what she git from her dad. Two Houses. I am innerly full of pain, have No Power and nothing ist left. Yet i cared for her AS a child
@@danielkaiser8971 Oh that’s interesting… with my father, he has a strong delusional aspect, like he rehearses his lies in his own head so many times that eventually he believes his own lies. I think I remember reading something about how that can happen in a psych book but I’m no psychologist. Lol. For example, last year I ended up telling a few of my aunts and uncles a little more about his abuse so they wouldn’t blame me for distancing myself…. I gave them the hard proof of a scar my father has on his lip from a time my brother punched him when my brother was defending my sister. (My father was screaming at her, my brother came in to stop it, somehow my father ended up on top of my brother on the floor, and my brother punched him to get him off him/self defense)… (happened maybe 20 years ago). My one aunt apparently talked to my father about what I had told her. My father then literally asked my brother what happened. My brother didn’t reply because he doesn’t like revisiting the past. My father was “shocked” about the true story I had told his sister, and said he “thought my brother just punched him out of nowhere” 🤣😅😅🤣🤣. Like c’mon dude, my brother just walked in the room and decked you for no reason??!? But he literally believes that 100% …. Completely living in fantasy land delusional… He also left me a lengthy voicemail about how he was so upset that I thought he “ever did anything bad” to me because (in his delusion) he was “always so gentle and so sweet” to me 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️. Keep in mind he terrorized our entire family for decades with horrendous bouts of rage and insulting us with every insult imaginable (which I don’t care to repeat, but if you can think of an insult, he probably said it to me) I literally cannot even handle dealing with his level of delusion. It’s like gaslighting on STEROIDS. 😅😩😰
I agree, Yvonne. There is NO "healthy" version of contact. These people are so toxic, so cruel and angry at any attempt we make to differentiate and have a normal life, you finally have to simply walk away. What my mother in law has done, now that she's alienated pretty much all her "friends" and other family members? She has found two homeless people who are desperate for a place to live and they care for her in exchange for her inheritance. They may murder her in her sleep, but social services isn't interested. She disinherited us and smeared us to everyone she could. But the peace of having her out of our lives is so worth it.
My Nparent once said to me "You seem to be on good terms with the people in this town. It'll be good to keep it that way." They're masters of veiled insults and threats.
Omg, my narc mom would call my bosses behind my back and tell them how horrible I was! The good thing is that I was an exemplary employee and most of my bosses realized she was crazy and ignored her, then they felt sorry for me and invited me to their family dinners etc. I only realized it after decades of her doing that. (Because what kind of disgusting person would do that to their own daughter???) She would also call my boyfriends (when I was already a grown adult) and try and get information out of them about me. She even meddled into a relationship when I was fifty years old! Unfortunately he was a horribly abusive narc and I escaped and went permanent no-contact from them both.
I called my dad to share a realization I made about my narc mom. After concluding to him what I learned he immediately got defensive and asked why I was researching it. My parents are divorced and my dad is also a narc but in a more smug white collar way despite being middle mgmt. it’s frustrating that most people in my life are narcs and either are dismissive or defensive when I come epiphanies about narcissism even when it’s not about them but they think everything is about them 🤦♂️
They're afraid that if you see through Mom's narky tricks; then you might start to see through their own narky tricks. He's are also afraid that you're starting to use a narky trick on HIM, the trick of playing Mom against Dad; "Playing the Ends Against the Middle." That's just my guess and my unqualified opinion!
You are too smart for them that's why they're dismissive towards you and probably know if you continue to do more research you will realise more things about them
My dad used to threaten to stop paying my school fees... that was a real threat because in my country, the law that children have to go to school is not strictly enforced... and school was my one safe space where my parents couldn't get at me.... this happened since I was 6 years old...
My dad says to me: "We don't want to _steal_ your Victory" when they choose not to help me. Drop the crap~ this is a pretty way to say: "We aren't here to help you." Dad, sometimes victories are won by a village or family and it draws everyone closer together and creates a stronger connection! Nope, he doesn't want that. They live to beat around the bush instead of being direct regarding what they want, don't want, or what they "disapprove" of. 😵💫🤦🏻♀️
I think I got a very strange form of the threatening abandonment, my mom would threaten me with the idea that the stress I'm causing her could someday give her a heart attack or aneurysm and that I'll be sorry once she's dead. Well now whenever my partner is being eerily still next to me in bed I have to make sure he's still breathing, thanks mom!
My dad intimated self harm when I pressed him to act like a father/ man. He went 86 yrs+ dodging ultimate accountability when my mom got dementia. Whole family got more dysfunctional.After a few of these " threats", I told him I would be forced to call social services. Funny how that BS stopped and nothing bad happened.
Yes, my mother is using the inheritance and her personal money to punish me ( scapegoat)…as I went n/c 4 yrs ago( I’m 65)….. since my father passed away 20 yrs ago I am the only child living near her. I just couldn’t live anymore with being her whipping girl, her verbal abuse etc. Especially since my 2 siblings were seeing her once or twice a year…phone calls at their convenience. Since my siblings happily took a recent gift gift of $150,000 each ( nothing for me) And they didn’t blink an eye…..I have no need to socialize or interact with either of them. I obviously don’t mean much to them as a sister. Sad
Throughout my childhood, my parents used to consistently "joke" that they would call "a truck" to take me away if I acted in ways that were not deemed proper to them (ie, being a goofy child was not ok)
4:51 - I wish more would talk about this toxic dynamic and what it can do to people long term. It's a power dynamic, meant to keep people stuck and never emotionally feeling like an adult. It's damaging.
Imagine a parent going to their child’s boss to ‘tell on’ on them? That would be crazy! I’ve been many people’s boss throughout my career and if a parent of one of my employees had sought me out, I would have thought the parent had some sort of cognitive impairment, I would have listened, said very little, politely bid them goodbye when the were finished and promptly forgot everything they told me. I probably would not have mentioned the meeting to my employee as I would not want to stress them out. If the employee asked me if their parent ever met with me, I would admit the meeting occurred and mentioned ‘dealing with aging parents is always challenging’ I would have done my level best to convince the employee their parent’s views had not altered how I value them or their contributions to the team.
@@0rrin He was diagnosed and given 5 weeks to live. He didn’t get anything set up. Left people living in homes with his name on the properties. Sold some to people he liked. Estranged his two sons in silence. Just a big mess.
@@perdidoatlantic Thanks for sharing. It's ironic that I feel that this is something my Dad would do - leave properties in his name. I've had no contact for a year now. He told one of my friends that I can only enjoy his wealth while his alive and I should not think I'll enjoy his money when his dead.
When I would protest my mom‘s mistreatment she would blame shift and tell me that I was making her upset. She would do this in such a theatrical way she could’ve won an Academy award, coincidental since tonight is the Oscars. And then in an act of absolute abuse and manipulation she would tell me to stop or she would throw herself down the stairs. These days she has no recollection And gaslight me and says, I never said that. Once I started therapy about 12 years ago I learned how to better handle these situations. I started to say to her things like, well I’m sorry you would consider doing that but the consequences of your decisions must fall on the shoulders of the responsible party. Or something like, it sounds like you’re uncomfortable with me expressing my needs? Or something like, it sounds like you’re uncomfortable with me being unique and different than you. Then I got a little more assertive and said, it looks like you want me to be an extension of you and act exactly as you?I asked this as a question in overtime she didn’t know what to do with me. It took years to understand that not reacting to my own mother led me to a beautiful place and she now knows she has absolutely no control over me. I’m free. Totally free.
Your responses are thoughtful and calm. They are perfect. Well done. Im on my way to getting to this place as well and I finally feel confident and healthy.
Number 2 started very early in my childhood. Whenever I had a fight with my sister my parents threatened to put me or both of us into an orphanage and then telling us horror stories about how bad these place were. The other aspects happened as well. So glad I went no contact.
Bingo! 1 - Disowned; 2 - Abandoned; 3 - Disinherited; 4 - Scapegoated. My mother just did it without threatening. Her triangulation was utterly relentless over decades. Going no contact and withholding my new address drove her mad. She resorted to sending photographs of recently sold properties to my eldest son asking if they were mine. My younger sister died 25 years ago at which point my first ex became my parents' executor and my goodness, it took many years for me to tease that out. I eventually confronted my father who confirmed my disinheritance by my mother but not by him. However he took his primary role of spy seriously and declined to set a healthy boundary to respect my right to privacy. I decided to go no contact with him too as there was no basis for trust and I didn't want to keep on providing new information to fuel the triangulation. There are 6 grandchildren, the inheritance will surely bring a bloodbath of ill feelings and rivalries, as there was when my maternal grandmother died.
At last! Same here. I mean, I felt alone with the experience of my narcissistic family....... My parents don't "threaten". My parents do what they want to do, without telling anyone. My real problem is that I have to pay close attention to any detail my N parents see in my life (even if I don't say anything about it) because I might suddenly find it destroyed... and I may find it out after months or even years. They do what they want to do, and then they hidden it to me. To be more precise, in my case, they also go through my things and my documents when I'm not present... They can also find the way to enter my house... ("it was to help me", of course!!). So I have to hide a lot of things from them... And many other strategies in order to defend myself. At the moment, going 100% No Contact is not possible in my case. I'm working on it. One of God's blessings is my knowing a little English, while they don't even know a word in English. Otherwise it would be impossible for me to read or listen to anything about narcissism without them knowing about it and finding a way to turn it against me. So, my point is, they don't threaten to take anything away from me... That is, it's not a question of being richer or less rich, more money or less money. In my case, they try to steal my things too... and they work purposedly to make a regular life impossible. For all the rest, I mean in all the other topics, attitudes and behaviours, they are the same as all the other narcissists. But... as for the topic of threatening, they don't threaten at all. They do it and then they hide what they did. (only rarely during some raging peak they threaten things like Coca Cola. They may do it or not. No one knows).
Allways so enlightening and affirming Jerry. I’m a middle aged, self employed carpenter. When I had to separate from my family, nearly 20 years ago, my mother showed up on one of my jobsites, throwing a screaming fit. I would not engage, I kept calmly asking her to leave, because i didn’t let her ping me, so she started throwing herself into things. The customer was there, they knew her at an acquaintance, but not like that. It was extremely embarrassing. The customer was also very high in narc traits. So at first they were very taken back by what happened and boarderline supportive. But a year or two later I was doing another job for them and they started joking about what happened that day. Needless to say I don’t work for them anymore. I’ve been doing a deep dive into narcissism the past 8 years and so much unanswered stuff has been laid to rest. I’m new to family systems and it is so helpful stopping me from doing stuff I hated doing, paying deep penalties for doing and could not stop myself. Mainly fawning, offering help when I shouldn’t, and being overly open, overly giving and overly accepting.
@@sevenseconds8652 I've actually seen the mask drop. The eyes are black , the face not human. I've seen it. 😮 My mother said shocking things to me - on my WEDDING DAY. The thing trying to get a response it could react to. I didn't let it. I was too frightened to. I'm glad it's gone..
@@EricNorthman-h2f I unmasked one too and it started to jump around, sticking the tongue out, crazy! I left the place very fast, later my family told me that he would kill me if I ever show up again. Of course they stick by his side. Glad I left that circus for good! ❤️❤️❤️
Another amazing video that addresses some of this hardest parts of this I am going through Right NOW. An adult who is almost 40. Nmom does not like my partner or choices, and is threatening abandonment and disownment (not new) but now threatening disenheritance since I have not been doing exactly what she demands
I'm an only child and my father died and left a sizable paid for home in the hands of my narc mom, He was a narc also and would tell me he was leaving me nothing. She brags to me how the home will be full of debt by the time she dies and that I cant sell the house legally until she dies. I absolutely could care less. That house is full of so many bad memories I dont want to have the task of cleaning it out. The bank can take it and all of its contents. Before inheriting the house kept me in the people pleasing mode now I could care less.
Inheritance threats were quickly pulled out - when they had already made their plan to put me out for a long time and promised Everything to my sister who quickly accepted. They felt they didnt need me for anything - so why help me ?
My parents weaponized the mental health community. Forced me on meds that didn't work and I now believe I never needed in the first place, threatened to institutionalize me if I didn't obey their every expectation WITH a smile. I barely escaped and suffered another 20 years after moving out thinking that if I still complied with what they wanted that it would protect me. It didn't protect me and I have finally stood up at 45 years old and with the help of Jerry's videos have been able to differentiate enough now that my peace of mind is finally returning. I was able to go a whole day without my mom in my head or me in hers, it was the same feeling like when you're on vacation and your shoulders just sink down and you breath out and just relax....I haven't felt that in decades. Thank you so much Jerry for all you offer on RUclips....your contributions are changing peoples lives, mine included.
Hi Jerry 💚 As another commenter said in this comment section...my parents actually don't make threats. My N parents do and they have always done purposely damaging actions without previous threats. Indeed, they usually keep their harmful actions hidden. (for the record... it's not even about inheritance and disinheriting... Their narcissistic actions go much "further". They consider their right taking from me my own things, my own money, etc. ...with lots of tricks they are used to organize... bc they just can't stand seeing me be successful in my projects... they can't stand me doing well, and so on). Hence, in my case, verbal threats are not an issue. In my case, my narcissistic family is a master at causing guilt, shame, blame-shifting, gasligthing, denial, neglect, psychological and material invasion of my boundaries, etc. But usually they don't make explicit threats. Just a few Coca-Cola threats, so to speak, when they are in the throes of anger and yelling... (but really it is not known whether these threats will be implemented or not. If they will, I could find out even after years of plotting behind my back... Because they deliberately keep hidden and they can cause a life to suddenly deviate... when it comes to consequences of their hidden actions). It's not easy to explain my family system... Thank you Jerry. Always work in progress. Especially in keeping calm and growing in self-differentiating
My narcissistic mother would punish us three children (even though we are all over 50) the same way as in childhood, though in adulthood it was just a sadistic habit for no reason at all. She might have made promises, or simply took our things without asking (like money from our bank accounts), all "behind the scenes" that we didn't know about until it already happened and was too late. As in your case, she never made "threats" per se.
Jerry, I was so terrified of my mother I don't remember any conversations or any interactions that could even contain any threats. I'm 78 now and still have the same reactions to domineering women, just as nutty from being in that group of people (not a family, just a group) as I was when a child. I have time now to go to counseling so the rest of my life should be better! Your videos have helped me to make that decision. Thank you!!💖
My dad told me 30 years ago he accidentally left me and 1 of my brothers he didn't like off his will.and told me he needed to fix it ...than in 2013..a woman was telling me and my dad that she would be leaving her inheritance to only her daughter as her son has been no help to her...my dad turned to me and said see what happens when you help a parent....he died 3 years later without doing his Will....
I appreciate the calm acceptance conveyed in these videos. All of these have happened in my life. I’m finally further reducing from low contact after having been left to my own devices in the most difficult and devastating times in my life, while they have made a point of telling me what a great time they’ve been having with all the “family” they’ve isolated me from, all the sprinkles on the sundae they’ve busied themselves with while I’ve been just surviving.
Threatening to sue us for access to our children after we said the relationship needed to improve amongst adults before re-introducing children to the dysfunction.
Thank you so much Jerry. This is so validating. So accurate. Experiencing this very thing. Evil, narcissistic father. No other family. Only child. Threatened with disinheritance which im sure will happen as soon as i go no contact. Other threats, smear campaign to his flying monkeys who he can manipulate and believe what he says. He pretends to be a nice guy with them but he is evil, toxic, abusive.
Thank Dr. Wise for the comprehensive and effective empowerment in the care you provided all of us here. All of us in the comment section are resilient and on the same road to self discovery and healing.
1:13...... There were *NEVER* there for me in any case, so the abandonment threat is completely meaningless. It's actually laughable. It's no that at all. The threat has already been carried out, every single day of my life 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Same old, same old
My narc mom disinherited me and my brother and gave all the money to the grandchildren which is fine but leaving money to a neighbor? That's beyond cruel! 😢
Thank you for telling what I'm in the middle of. It's a mess they started and I'm not their savior, just their scapegoat, can to kick, disinheritance... all you've stated, true. Dang 65 years. Bummer is I've been seeking knowledge and healing through amazing folks like you Doc. Thank you so much for knowing me without meeting face to face in person. You are so incredibly helpful 🌟👍🌟
My old man told me he took me and my brother out of his will. Financial abuse has always been his go-to, after the neglect. He and my bro are completely estranged, so it wasn't a surprise. For me, the reason why he did it was because I got tired of him trying to belittle and shame me and I reduced my contact with him. This made him furious because I was trying to hold him accountable and point out how nasty he was to me for no valid reason. He's always right, and I never can be. How dare I stand up to his mistreatment! The best part is that the inheritance was a measly $5,000. I am worth only $5,000 to him. My dignity and self esteem is priceless to me. Because he has admitted cutting me out of his will, I have zero reason to stick around, and no contact has become that much easier. He didn't care about us growing up, so why would he magically have a change of heart now in his twilight years? I know everything I need to. Thanks, Jerry.
8:51 im crippled by the fear. I feel violated with no boundaries. I feel dissasociated identity disturbence. I have no inner boundaries. I feel like a dumb child adult
My inheritance was $10,000 and my mother held that over my head my entire childhood. When I became an adult and made my own money, I told her just take me out of the policy and I didn't want anything if it meant I had to do everything she said. She argued that I'm evil and no matter what I will get something even if it's 75 cents and I can't get rid of her that easy.
I was abandoned AND disinherited. Dropped off on a highway at 15 yrs. then when he died left out of the will. And scapegoated on. I got all of it. And their wishes of what they want from you are outrageous.
Ha ha same my 87 year old mom still dosent have a will and bosses me around in my own house while she pays monthly condos fees for her empty unit she won't sell or put in a will for me. Just to make my life even more hell with probate when she does die. Until then I cook and clean for her in my house, not her empty house she pays for. She dosent even pay me a nominal room and board of a few hundred bucks for being her caregiver. What a piece of work. Wish I would have left for good in my late 20s and never looked back.
What I love the most is my parent who threatened to disown me several times decades ago will say "I don't remember that" if I say anything about it now. To me, a threat like that is pretty intense! How could anyone possibly forget they made it unless they have some kind of cognitive disorder? Amazing.
Typical narc gaslighting. My narc mother was famous for saying that she didn’t remember things or that things never happened. They do it so that we question ourselves. It’s totally intentional & they 100% know what they’re doing. I’m no contact for good
My mother's favorite phrase to scream at me when I was growing up was "GET OVER IT!" As an adult, she still says it to me. She can't remember ANY of the horrible shit she did to the family. Completely blanks out when I mention it. How convenient. I have told her repeatedly that I'm going to put it on her tombstone because it's all I ever heard when I needed her to be a parent and help me. The last few times recently I mentioned GET OVER IT, she has said 1) "I won't have a tombstone!" 2.) "I don't know how I could have said that to you because that wasn't a phrase my peers said to people!" 3.) "I have never said that to you!" Weird, right? Why would I make it her epitaph if she's "never!" said it? No apologies. No processing. Just denial and blameshifting.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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_The moment you stop giving s$it about whether the relationship works or not, they lose their power to manipulate you._
Unless they take you to court. These old narc grandparents love using the court system, even if there is no basis, to try a final trump card on keeping you under their control.
You said it!
True, especially considering their only power is through manipulation. Narcissists know people won't give them narcissistic supply willingly, thus they manipulate you into doing it. When manipulation stops working, narcissists have nothing left.
Ya...and I feel like it should be the natural progression
The moment that you don't care whether you live or die, anymore.
Yep, they are already abandoning you. If you look ar the past...They were nowhere to be found when really really needed.
I thought that when my mom passed, I would feel sad but also mostly relieved. I yellow-rocked her for most of my adult life. When she did pass, I felt some grief right around the event, but then there really wasn't much feeling at all. I was a little bit disappointed...I was hoping to feel more relieved.
My mother found me crying because I was being bullied at school.
She comforted me with 'Stop blubbering and get to bed.' : (
@@verilyheld jeez. That is bad. I was told not to come back home because there was nothing for me at home, over the phone. I was also told don't call just text.
i told my father when i was 12 yo that he was nothing but a biological producer. 25 years later as he is a raging alcoholic and totally manipulative freak, i start to realize why i felt this all the way back then. he also tells people that he doesnt care about anything beyond his lifespan. not a single word about his kids or grandkids. its a mixture of disgust and self-hate that this has left me with. i dont know how to deal with it. it makes me hate to be alive. [EDIT: I always wanted to be on my own...but guess what. my parents and my exwife always faked to be willing to do the family thing. but in the end they just used it for their own needs without ever being honest about what it was all about. now its clear,, it was just about not being perceived badly in public settings and for keeping up the illusion in front of other people. when nobody looks, they act like soulless zombies only focused on their own instant gratification.
@@the_horror_fan Indeed, it took her death for me to wake up, realise how truly unnatural a 'mother' she was. Heck, her sisters were often afraid of her!
My mother could never keep a promise but she would always keep a threat.
Damn, that's facts.
wow, powerful statement. 💕
Same!!
Same then buy your love or just be super nice to you
@@vivianp5962 oh, yes. I got both of those. No actual conflict resolution. Just love bombing with gifts and saccharin sweetness that was performative so I'd let my guard down again and they could go back to using me.
I’ve been disinherited by a minimum of 250k and I don’t give a sh!t. They can keep their money. I am content with being poor the rest of my life as long as I don’t have to put up with my parents toxic behavior. I’ve gone no contact with the entirety of my family since they are all enablers and continue to side with my parents and talk crap about me to this day. Why am I disinherited? I am not religious, I have tattoos and piercings, I am queer, I am a disabled artist with no career. I raised my children to be who they want to be and I do not control them. All my parents can say is that I did horrible things as a child. It’s insane. I was not a horrible child, I was an abused child.
Children are to honor their parents was a broken record. Using scripture to manipulate was the worst.
They love to twist scripture and cherry pick it to suit their own evil agenda. The Bible also says to "give honor to whom honor is due"....It's not due to ABUSERS. Also 2 Tim 3:1-5 includes narcissistic parents. Verse 5 says "and from such TURN AWAY"....(of course you can only do that as an adult).
Yep. God does NOT bless the abusers! He knows more about it than we do because He hears all and sees all, including the darkness and wickedness in their hearts!@@BlackSheep380
@BlackSheep380 In addition to that, whenever someone tries to use the "honor thy mother and father" trope, let them know that it's meant to be taken METAPHORICALLY. God was talking about our "Higher Self" aka the father and the "Holy Spirit" aka the mother. Forgot the verse, but he LITERALLY told us NOT to place our biological parents before him JUST FOR THE READONS WERE SPEAKING ABOUT! HE KNEW!!
💯💯💯
She would "give me the silent treatment" a lot.. So nice. When she finally realized I liked that, she sure was mad.
💯💯🤣🤣
😂😂😂👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
My mother used (and still uses) the silent treatment as a way of control and to convey her ‘superiority’ and displeasure.
I'd rather forgo an inheritance than be under someone's thumb.
Most family Scapegoats are disinherited, myself included. That's part of our earthly role we are born into. We are literally born into this world orphans with fake "parents".
I was counting on my inheritance I really needed and still need that money, there were millions of dollars and now I'm poor, mentally ill, and completely alone in the world, I wish I was dead
Same...hell no to manipulation
Three years into complete family estrangement, I have begun to congratulate myself for getting away from this extreme dysfunctional dynamic.
The beginning of self-love, the only effective healing balm for this great wound of systematic familial abuse.
I do too but I also struggle with anger and guilt. Depends on the day. It’s been since thanksgiving 2018 for me.
Most of mine pretty much drifted off by themselves.
"We've decided to stop helping you." REALLY??? I didn't realize you'd been helping me all these years!
❤
Who here would LOVE to have Jerry as our Dad?!?!
🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️❤
Zaddy Jerr 😅
He is our dad symbolically _ a Trumen Show blessed by Jesus _ I believe
Rather a dear friend.
Jerry for Dad for sure ❤
Jerry as one of our best allies! For Integrity and hope!
No amount of inheritance is worth the peace of mind I have now ❤
About the inheritance, the best day was when I realized-my mental health is not for sale!!! It’s priceless to me.
🙌🏻
Jerry Wise is the loving "father" who checks in on me several times a week - by email. And sends nuggets of wisdom and loving encouragement. Thank you, Jerry
I'm so glad you're on my team! 💙
Wonderful
My mom makes everything about herself, complains about her family and parents, believes everyone else is the problem, everyone else is the narcissist. And believes she was not abusive. And that im a spoiled brat who is crazy and sick.
Sounds like my mother 😢
Are we siblings? Mine is the exact same way
Yep! I concur with my mom ... Try to talk to her about anything always comes back to her saying " well, I didn't have it so easy either." I've given up trying to say anything bro her & my stepdad about what's bothering me or how I think & feel
“I don’t care if they’re 90 and you’re 60, you’re still the child” !!! This applies to family members who may be only several years older than you too! That hit home. I am in my 60s but in most of my family’s view I am apparently still 6 to 12 years old. I am so glad to have finally stepped away. Sorry I allowed myself to be roped back in for awhile.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*146borc*_ga*MjA5MTU3NDA0MS4xNzEyNjI5ODk0*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxNDA3MjM5OS4zMS4xLjE3MTQwNzI1MTcuNDkuMC4w
Peace=Priceless
Peace and freedom are everything in life, literally.
"If you get rid of my stuff after I die... I'll haunt you." One of many threats that make me laugh.
I had a company come in and throw away EVERYTHING. I live in PA and they were in CA. The few things of value that were lost were worth my peace of mind.
Here are the threats my covert narc mother used a lot:
1. When you are old you will die alone because of what you did to me
2. Cutting me out of the will ... while still keeping me as executor
3. Smear campaign - it worked
4. Call the police if I don't respond to her calls
I cut her out of my life a few years before she died. I was cut out of the will and lost about $1 million because of it. She gave it all to my son, who she effectively turned against me ... as she also did with the entire extended family of 50+. It was worth it.
Inheritance is never worth it. It's "dirty money".
@@gotinogaden Totally agree. I didn't want her money and told her so to her face. Her rage was barely concealed.
I'll be cut out of a few million too. Luckily, I cut them all out when my wife was pregnant with our first. Thank you for your story and validation.
Not only did you get no money, your kids were also turned against you ~ that was my fear too. Your story can help others break away sooner.
Sounds like my story to about my mother and I'm a only child and I went no contact on her about 7mo ago and she has completely turned my adult son and daughter against me 😢 it's like know one understand I felt alone till reading y'all story but Im standing on business this time and I'm finding peace with out being around her
I want peace above all. I am bringing my mother her clothes and belongings as she is now happier with the narc sister and thank you yes she can take the money….u r right, after all I have my own house. Ty for this topic today.
As a survivor of two narcissistic parents, the main thing I learned is that narcissists ARE EVIL 😳😳😳 they KNOW what they are doing is wrong yet they CONTINUE ANYWAY.
So I left them…& many other narcissists in my family 😢 with ZERO GUILT…none!!!…I chose to live & enjoy the life GOD GAVE ME!!!!
I don't expect an inheritance from Dad. I won't "be manipulated by him" No-contact with him works well!
8:15 "Allergic to boundaries". 😮 Very much.
They absolutely hate it. That's also how to identify them. To bad I realised it way to late.
"Are you willing to give up your inner peace?" No its not worth it! I want peace
When I would protest my mother’s mistreatment she would blameshift and tell me how much of an awful daughter I was. Then she would terrorize the whole house with her anger. So much so that the other family members would wish you to just shut up and take it.
She would also come home( from work,or groceries etc.) and be mad as a hatter as she came through the door( obviously something from work or whatever)…and she would blameshift the cause of her anger to you.( if someone had challenged/criticized her at work or whatever, she could never deal with that inside herself. She who is never wrong!)
This is the worst part. That the other family members will come after you - not to bring you back into the fold - but to use you as a human shield. 😔
When I went no contact - the threats were that they will report me and look for me with the help of police. What was the idea.? To report a missing child that is 30+ years old
They can't do nothing, fk what they say. Keep going.
They are insane. They regard their children as property so they act like they've been stolen from when you get away from them.
i have disinherited my self because she used that thinking i care about the inheritance as much as she does. and i have disinherited my self from A LOT.... she used every single one of those threats. i keep comming back to these videos because i am fighting with guilt so bad. these videos remind me i am not crazy
100%- it’s so incredibly difficult to try to convince the police who’ve been called by your “concerned mother” to explain that you’re not actually suicidal, and your parent is using police and emergency department staff to terrorize you.
I'm lucky, I've had a better police experience. The police have both shown up (once) and called me (once) to "check on me" at my mom's prodding. It was pure manipulation on her part because she had been using me all my life as a free 24/7 therapist on call, and I had decided to stop. (A) I was not trained as a therapist, and (B) I had never been appropriately put in this role, and (C) even if I had been trained would never have been on call for any client 24/7. I had read that the word "but" is particularly triggering to people with NPD, so I explained to her as nicely as I could that I was concerned about her strong emotions and I could not meet her needs and I was not trained as a therapist. I said that I thought she needed an actual therapist because it seemed she was struggling, reiterating that I was not trained in doing this and that I was very concerned about her. In essence, I had kindly but gently set a boundary. As the doc says, she was "allergic to boundaries." In this case, hiring a therapist would require the effort and cost of hiring one (which most normal parents would simply accept and do rather than drain their children). Worse, it would mean facing an actual adult therapist who on a regular basis would call her on the codependency and misperception of appropriate child-parent relationships. A therapist would also hold her accountable for improving her own life in adult ways of meeting her emotional support needs, such as learning emotional management techniques and joining activity groups or clubs, religious or spiritual organizations, or even political committees. She much preferred having me as an emotional support vending machine whom she could simply dump her unhappy emotions into at will and take energy from at any time, with no responsibility on her part for managing her own emotional state or her own need for human contact. Calling the police in my town was therefore her response, sending them to my house or having them call me because she was "concerned." I explained to the police on both occasions very calmly and sadly that my mother is mentally ill, then apologized to them for her having bothered them. I said in a tired but calm voice that if she calls again claiming she's "worried about me" they should simply ignore her; that I'm not a person prone to suicidality and am also highly intuitive so I don't put myself into dangerous situations. Explained that I'm perfectly fine (mentioned my long, respectable professional career as well, which luckily I had been able to hold down) and explained gently that she's just unstable and they can ignore any such calls in future. They haven't contacted me again. In dealing with pressure from Mom, however, I spent years upholding this boundary and repeating myself over and over - in the face of attempted bullying, rage, and accusations. It was exhausting, but I held my ground. I would each time repeat the same things about her needing a therapist, my concern for her, my lack of training... and again list the many options she could pursue to meet her friendships needs (animal rescue, birdwatching, neighborhood tree planting, town cleanup, clubs, political action committees, hobby groups, etc.). I needed her to make adult friends in her local area and pursue activities with them, which she resisted vehemently. Eventually, however, Mom - an extrovert - finally had to accept that I wasn't going to be the emotional vending machine anymore, so she'd better pursue some other avenues even if it required effort and relating with adults. She even got a therapist. And began pursuing a number of those activities for the social contact and fun she needed. I couldn't help thinking ironically how much better she had to behave toward those folks (showing respect and listening, for example), so it was good training for her as well as helping my well-being. At least in my case, Mom was willing to grow. Even if it did take repeated boundary setting on my part for decades.
That’s horrible! I’m sorry she has done that… but also not unheard of 🤦♀️ I used to work in law enforcement and unfortunately, they get calls like that but they still have to check it out…
There’s also elderly people that get lonely and sometimes call about “suspicious” things just so some people come talk to them…
Police/ emergency people see all kinds of situations so they should understand you ❤
@@falconbritt5461 oh yes that’s a great idea to ask them to ignore such calls. Most departments should have some system where they can make notes about particular addresses. Or if it’s a small town, they can just talk to each other and they’ll all know what’s up.
That’s their favourite, mine wouldn’t dare but I hear this happens ALOT
When I had a mental heath crisis, my mother convinced my brother that I was suicidal snd they called the police and had me taken to the ER and admitted against my will. I wasn’t suicidal, I just realized the truth and was depressed about it.
Coercively controlling family members are so draining. I resisted provocation by one of them for months, but finally lashed out against her. She predictably used my reaction to smear me to other family members, who, I was shocked to learn, were so eager to see her as a victim and me as an offender, they bought her story completely, with no questions. It took months for me to take this in, and more months to grieve.
My mom did write me out of her will and in her obituary I was not even named as her daughter.
😮😮😮😮
To hell with their inheritance.
There is nothing a narcissistic parent has that you yourself can't work hard and earn yourself.
Ur a scapegoat child ,u are hard working,ur creative,ur resourceful etc u can earn more and achieve more in life than ur narcissistic family members/parents
Threats of being disowned? I was disowned and it was the best 3 weeks of my life, talk about peaceful.
Only 3 weeks? Bet you were disappointed when it ended 🤣
@@ShintogaDeathAngel absolutely!
😂😂😂
ALWAYS MINE LIKE THAT TOO!!! IM AT A point where I think ny narc mom is an entertainment.
Threat of the orphanage when i was younger when she detached from all extended family. Now she threatens my invite to Xmas. She stops speaking. I dont belong to any family unless she says so.
Im done, thanks to Jerry's wise words. 🙏🙏
I wouldn’t say my adoptive mother was as bad as some of the other parents in this comment section (though I am aware it’s not a contest, and while she’s helped me, she’s also damaged me in some ways), but she threatened me with boarding school once when I was behaving like a relatively normal kid, just not how she thought I should be (which to be fair, was quite frequent from what I remember. I had undiagnosed high functioning autism, and possibly some form of ADHD. I wasn’t really rowdy, just easily distracted and daydreamed a lot when she was expecting me to be tidying my room etc).
I already got bullied a lot at normal school, and had other issues with socialising, so didn’t think I’d survive going to one where I’d only be able to go home for holidays/weekends. Looking back, it might have been better for me, considering what a-dad was like, but at the time, I just felt kind of disappointed that even someone who claimed to want me enough to go through the courts to keep me, would want to shove me out of the way like that.
Threats? EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING POSSIBLE
This! 👏
My younger sister was in hospice for 10 days before passing away recently from complications from diabetes. Our Narcissistic mom NEVER came to visit her in hospice. I’m still upset about that and feel my mom could have done more before my sister got so sick. I told my Mom I needed some time to grieve & heal after experiencing watching my sister die. She responded by telling me she’s lost 2 daughters & have a good life…and I haven’t heard from her since 12/2023
😮😮😮😮
The threat I received often, usually when I tried to say no, was that God was going to punish me, and I better watch out. I would then feel so much anxiety, because I knew God was Powerful! I’ve decided that was “ using God’s name in vain”.
God is loving, He is kind & He is forgiving. God gave man free will because He does not want to 'force' us to do anything. If God, Himself, does not use His power that way, then a parent shouldn't either. I'm sorry you experienced that. Always remember that God loves and adores you. Stay blessed❤
The "god" the narcissist believes in is indeed Satan..and unfortunately they carry out his will while on earth ,& most of them will join him in 🔥🔥🔥 when's it's all over .. the good news is the Lord Jesus Christ can and will give you victory over Satan...and the narcissist aka Satan's puppet
I wasn't threatened to be abandoned, I was threatened to be legally kept at home the rest of my life because my dad was angry I was moving out like a normal person does in life 😂
It never stops, it’s happening as I speak. I’m 59 years old and my mother just today is using things against me from when I was a kid. When my landlord wanted “more from me than just a tenant” he evicted me, I searched and searched for a place to live and nothing was available. Well, she finally came and said I could stay at her apartment but it was against what everyone in the family told her, she told me they told her to just let the police set me on the side of the road. And the last 3 years have been the most traumatic. I finally got away from her, and she lives 45 minutes away from me, but it’s still going on. Today I blocked her from calling or texting me, I can’t handle it, but I feel guilty. She used my mental health issues against me, I can’t do it.
I'd rather die on the side of the road that going back to my mother 😱😱😱
Stay strong the best you can & don’t unblock her. I had to change my phone number because even though she was blocked she was still able to leave voice mails. She even had the audacity to contact my ex husband from 20+ years ago to try & get my new phone number. He told our son this. I moved away as well. I’ve been final no contact for over a year now. I’m 55. The guilt will fade with time. Journaling all the evil they put us through really helps when the guilt arises…you can look back at all she put you through. I wish you so much peace ✌️💜✨
@@gem7078 Thank you, but the guilt and shame, I’ve been called a loser with nothing to offer anyone and my brother said I’m a piece of shit, my dad who is dead now called me garbage on the side of the road, he was physically abusive. She even told me things that my then doctor told her and broke my HIPPA rights. My papaws brother left me some money when he died and my mother said what in the Hell did she do to deserve that. Even told me my son said to leave me on the side of the road. I would move but I can’t, I’m on disability right now having back surgery soon and another knee replacement surgery. She lives about 45 minutes away. I’ve cried all day. She will have one of her friends call or text me 😢🤦🏽♀️
It's sadly common for these vicious people to try to use people's mental health conditions against them in various ways.The 🚹 I ❤️ was KNOWINGLY not treated for very severe & obvious Depression when he was 15, his narcy 💩 parents likely did that just to break his wings so he wouldn't be able to easily escape...They just lied & tried to act like he was fine even though his walking garbage pail of a mom told me they'd KNOWN for a WHILE that he needed treatment🤢🤮.Just keep on moving in a much healthier direction without them even if it isn't always easy🌞👍.
Please have faith in your own instincts. They are guiding you to healing and feeling better, no matter how unusual or difficult it may seem now.
I was terrified of my mother. Besides some physical abuse, the mind games put me in a state of constant alert. Days of not speaking to me ruined me. Always looking for approval, or else she would just ignore me. Everyone thought she was so great. I was also terrified that she would die because she said she would come back and haunt me (she was into the paranormal, so it didn't seem implausible to me).
Then my ex turned out to be the same, but that's another story?!
When I was a child, my mother used my fear of her death against me, sadistically enjoying my terror. By the time I was seven years old, she had already taken me to many funeral homes to see the bodies in coffins of people we didn't even know, just to watch how terrified I was. Then for months after that, she pretended to die right in front of me in the middle of her yelling rampages, hoping that I would sob uncontrollably over her asking her to come back. My dad was always at work when she did these things, but one day I told him about it, despite the fact mother had me believing he would "end us all" if I ever told him. To my surprise, he cared a lot and told me the next time she pretended to die lying on the floor unconscious, I was to lift up her skirt and announce I was going to get the camera to take a picture of her that way because dad wanted to put a gold frame on the photograph... She never did it again, and surprisingly, I didn't get in trouble.
@@danielkaiser8971I'm sorry you had to go through that. That's indeed very sadistic.
My mother started with those at a young age. She would threaten to divorce my dad when i was 7 and then ask me " you would live with me right, because you love me more"
My parents are in their 70's now and still together.
She threatened to jump in front of a train if " this situation didn't change" (me being no contact with her). She threatened my dad with divorce if he didn't make me come back " home" (this was when i was 49. On my birthday.. because.. of course)
She also threatened having me committed to an mental hospital when i was in my 30, when it was clear i would not comply anymore, so i must have been so " sick" that a mental hospital was the only sollution.
Omg, very similar story i have with you, only my parents are divorced and they destroyed part of my life with using me, forcing to chose side and to accept their new partners, My mother started when i was 5.
My parents weaponized the mental health community against me as well. Scared me so bad by putting me on mind altering meds and in an out patient mental health treatment center and therapy for years. I was simply in a toxic home environment with a lot of scapegoating and projection. A lot of bursting into my room at any moment and screaming at me about whatever was the "offense of the day". I hadn't picked up my socks from the bathroom floor. I actually got in trouble for crying because I had been terribly bullied one particular day (was bullied constantly but some days were worse than others). When I finally got the courage to stand up for myself, I was punished and finally told I had mental problems. My mom actually drove to be checked into a mental hospital because I refused to say sorry when my dad screamed at me and I told him I didn't care anymore what he thought because he was being a total jerk yelling at me all the time over such minor things and I had had enough. They would have admitted me but as we were in a waiting room, I asked to go to the bathroom. When I walked past the dry erase board next to the nurses station, I saw my name under admittance there. When I looked around, I saw no one around, so I licked my finger and erased my name off the board. I then hurried to the bathroom, rinsed my finger, and went back to the room. After 3 hours of waiting my mom finally got fed up and announced, "this wait is ridiculous, we are going home. Come on." I saved myself that day from entering a place that can help people but I didn't belong there...within a year, I got my own self off the meds they had me on to force compliance (made me into a sluggish zombie with no feelings at all). I stayed super busy out of the household and made sure I got straight A's in high school so my parents couldn't complain about me in any way. Moved out at 20. Has taken me another 20 years to realize I was still pretty much still under their thumb even though I was fully financially independent, married with my own kids and home owned free and clear. Been working for 5 years on myself and I finally had a breakthrough from one of Jerry's videos talking about getting your parents out of your head and not going into theirs and self differentiating. I thought physical distance or low contact was the solution but it's breaking the bonds that connected our minds that has given me my first sense of peace. Hang in there and keep working on yourself. You can do it and you are worth it. Your peace is worth it 🙏❤🎉
I get married in September and my mother texted me a couple of months ago saying she no longer wishes to come to my wedding as she feels excluded after seeing I booked a honeymoon with my husband and child to Disneyland Paris & didn’t invite her. She hasn’t taken me a holiday since before she met her husband 14 years ago… my response was silence. She’s blocked and isn’t coming. Heartbreaking but the only way to keep my sanity.
Congratulations on your wedding, and for the freedom from drama.
Doesn’t she realise honeymoons aren’t something parents are really supposed to be included in anyway?
❤
My mothers playbook for me since age seven. I'm 64 now. I threw her out of my life five years ago but she still lives in my head. Her echoes.
This is thing that worriers me when i finally break contact Be strong!
After my narcissistic mother passed away at age 89, for a while I felt as though she was a "phantom limb", like when someone gets a limb amputated but they still feel like it's there. But also I felt a great relief since I was able to accept there was no longer any need to attempt to have a real mother after she passed. It suddenly seemed like the entire world was a blank canvas ready for me to paint a masterpiece.
@@danielkaiser8971 I felt similar about my adoptive dad - I was relieved when he passed, but then felt a lot more anger and swinging emotions for months after. I’d been keeping my distance from the age of six, even though we all lived together until he died.
😭
Same
I have been abandoned.. Even worse... Neglected..
The last straw for me was when I was threatened to be cut from the will for not helping my parents move house. I didnt confront them, I just greatly reduced contact.
@@sevenseconds8652😂😂😂
Thank you for mentioning that confronting a narc wouldn't solve the issue (and could possibly make it worse). My narc parents are (thankfully) dead now, but many times I regretted not confronting them. 30 years ago, even before I knew the term 'narcissist' I had the good sense to go "no contact" because they were destroying my mental and physical health with their toxic behavior. Yes, I lost any inheritance, but I kept my sanity.
Your health and sanity are far more important than any inheritance.
You saved what is more and most important.
One of the problems my siblings have had with me is that I got help outside of the family to deal with the trauma we experienced. That is when I got disowned. The myth of the great marriage or what great parents Mom & Dad had continues. Jerry is right that the abandonment has been going on before the threats. It's why you never feel safe around them. Listen to this video a couple of times during the week to let it soak in.
And this is why I refuse to tell my parents where and sister where I live...I managed to move away without them knowing. Praise God! Still the games continue from a distance, my Mum told me she had life saving surgery a few weeks ago...I didn't know...know realise no one will tell me if my parents pass away. I have to come to terms with that. I feel guilty and sad for them, but I tried so hard to keep the family together at my own cost. I pray for healthy reconciliation, and it's in God's mighty hands. Thanks for the video Jerry. I am trying to be wise!!!! 😅
A typical threat towards me was to tell me, as you are somehow disabled to manage your life, come home we will tell you what to do- that‘s just the opposite of what I did while parentifying them. This is very disturbing. I never got why they were doing that.
So my inner peace was always threatened, I could never figure out why.
The “disown” thing surprised me that it was common. My father did that to me…. Then later when I went grey rock and he wanted to know why, I brought up how he said he didn’t even want to be my father and “disowned” me… then he “couldn’t remember” ever saying that… he’s completely delusional… he always “forgets” all of his abuse, just completely blocks it out, and thinks he’s such a wonderful person… now I’ve been no contact for decades and it’s much better.
With really extreme narcissists, I think there’s just no version of healthy contact … I’ve tried many times and always regret my attempts, unfortunately. I don’t hold a grudge but I just can’t handle contact with him. Like the past is the past and I don’t want new issues in the current/future.
You're darn right! Full-blown narcs will (NEVER) be able to have healthy nontoxic relationships,you can even throw them in therapy for many years & they still won't recover😮💨...& it gets even WORSE if sociopathy is involved because they're a "malignant narc" at the most extreme end of the narcissist spectrum😱💩💩💩.
Before my elderly narcissistic mother passed away, I had been in "no contact" with her for 11 years. The no contact was broken for a few months when my dad passed away. During this time I spoke with my mother and asked her about specific times in my past where she hurt me. She had already rehearsed the one and only answer, "I believe you, but I don't remember". So I tested her, I brought up another time she hurt me but I added in a false accusation, and she immediately spoke up saying that's not how it happened. She remembered, she just didn't want to face any accountability.
When you said your father "couldn't remember", it reminded me of this. I think narcissists have a very selective memory.
@@danielkaiser8971 super additional Info. Thanks. IT seems they are Like children. My mum destroyed me as a child, reasking what i die wrong lead to Terror from her
She Said that i try to kill her by thousands of attacks.
And told me she would Not give Me anything when she ist dead.
Problem: she Had thrown Out all what she git from her dad. Two Houses.
I am innerly full of pain, have No Power and nothing ist left. Yet i cared for her AS a child
@@danielkaiser8971 Oh that’s interesting… with my father, he has a strong delusional aspect, like he rehearses his lies in his own head so many times that eventually he believes his own lies. I think I remember reading something about how that can happen in a psych book but I’m no psychologist. Lol.
For example, last year I ended up telling a few of my aunts and uncles a little more about his abuse so they wouldn’t blame me for distancing myself…. I gave them the hard proof of a scar my father has on his lip from a time my brother punched him when my brother was defending my sister. (My father was screaming at her, my brother came in to stop it, somehow my father ended up on top of my brother on the floor, and my brother punched him to get him off him/self defense)… (happened maybe 20 years ago). My one aunt apparently talked to my father about what I had told her. My father then literally asked my brother what happened. My brother didn’t reply because he doesn’t like revisiting the past. My father was “shocked” about the true story I had told his sister, and said he “thought my brother just punched him out of nowhere” 🤣😅😅🤣🤣. Like c’mon dude, my brother just walked in the room and decked you for no reason??!? But he literally believes that 100% …. Completely living in fantasy land delusional…
He also left me a lengthy voicemail about how he was so upset that I thought he “ever did anything bad” to me because (in his delusion) he was “always so gentle and so sweet” to me 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️. Keep in mind he terrorized our entire family for decades with horrendous bouts of rage and insulting us with every insult imaginable (which I don’t care to repeat, but if you can think of an insult, he probably said it to me)
I literally cannot even handle dealing with his level of delusion. It’s like gaslighting on STEROIDS. 😅😩😰
I agree, Yvonne. There is NO "healthy" version of contact. These people are so toxic, so cruel and angry at any attempt we make to differentiate and have a normal life, you finally have to simply walk away. What my mother in law has done, now that she's alienated pretty much all her "friends" and other family members? She has found two homeless people who are desperate for a place to live and they care for her in exchange for her inheritance. They may murder her in her sleep, but social services isn't interested. She disinherited us and smeared us to everyone she could. But the peace of having her out of our lives is so worth it.
My Nparent once said to me "You seem to be on good terms with the people in this town. It'll be good to keep it that way."
They're masters of veiled insults and threats.
Omg, my narc mom would call my bosses behind my back and tell them how horrible I was! The good thing is that I was an exemplary employee and most of my bosses realized she was crazy and ignored her, then they felt sorry for me and invited me to their family dinners etc. I only realized it after decades of her doing that. (Because what kind of disgusting person would do that to their own daughter???) She would also call my boyfriends (when I was already a grown adult) and try and get information out of them about me. She even meddled into a relationship when I was fifty years old! Unfortunately he was a horribly abusive narc and I escaped and went permanent no-contact from them both.
My mother did the same...still does, except everyone believes her smear campaigns. I never got a break. She loved to keep me unemployed.
It's nice that you had bosses who weren't cowards ..
Try to hide your job, friends or relationship at all costs, trust me it's only solution. Plan in silence, don't tell literally to anyone.
I called my dad to share a realization I made about my narc mom. After concluding to him what I learned he immediately got defensive and asked why I was researching it. My parents are divorced and my dad is also a narc but in a more smug white collar way despite being middle mgmt. it’s frustrating that most people in my life are narcs and either are dismissive or defensive when I come epiphanies about narcissism even when it’s not about them but they think everything is about them 🤦♂️
They're afraid that if you see through Mom's narky tricks; then you might start to see through their own narky tricks.
He's are also afraid that you're starting to use a narky trick on HIM, the trick of playing Mom against Dad; "Playing the Ends Against the Middle." That's just my guess and my unqualified opinion!
But to a narcissisist, everything IS about them!😂
You are too smart for them that's why they're dismissive towards you and probably know if you continue to do more research you will realise more things about them
My narc mother told me many times that I am nothing without her.
My dad used to threaten to stop paying my school fees... that was a real threat because in my country, the law that children have to go to school is not strictly enforced... and school was my one safe space where my parents couldn't get at me.... this happened since I was 6 years old...
My dad says to me: "We don't want to _steal_ your Victory" when they choose not to help me.
Drop the crap~ this is a pretty way to say: "We aren't here to help you."
Dad, sometimes victories are won by a village or family and it draws everyone closer together and creates a stronger connection!
Nope, he doesn't want that.
They live to beat around the bush instead of being direct regarding what they want, don't want, or what they "disapprove" of. 😵💫🤦🏻♀️
I think I got a very strange form of the threatening abandonment, my mom would threaten me with the idea that the stress I'm causing her could someday give her a heart attack or aneurysm and that I'll be sorry once she's dead. Well now whenever my partner is being eerily still next to me in bed I have to make sure he's still breathing, thanks mom!
My dad intimated self harm when I pressed him to act like a father/ man. He went 86 yrs+ dodging ultimate accountability when my mom got dementia. Whole family got more dysfunctional.After a few of these " threats", I told him I would be forced to call social services. Funny how that BS stopped and nothing bad happened.
Yes, my mother is using the inheritance and her personal money to punish me ( scapegoat)…as I went n/c 4 yrs ago( I’m 65)….. since my father passed away 20 yrs ago I am the only child living near her.
I just couldn’t live anymore with being her whipping girl, her verbal abuse etc. Especially since my 2 siblings were seeing her once or twice a year…phone calls at their convenience.
Since my siblings happily took a recent gift gift of $150,000 each ( nothing for me)
And they didn’t blink an eye…..I have no need to socialize or interact with either of them.
I obviously don’t mean much to them as a sister.
Sad
Throughout my childhood, my parents used to consistently "joke" that they would call "a truck" to take me away if I acted in ways that were not deemed proper to them (ie, being a goofy child was not ok)
Mine would threaten to send me to Hollywood when I showed emotion. I had no idea what holly wood even WAS!!
"I'm leaving you behind." - Mom
4:51 - I wish more would talk about this toxic dynamic and what it can do to people long term. It's a power dynamic, meant to keep people stuck and never emotionally feeling like an adult. It's damaging.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Tim Fletcher talks about being held captive...
Imagine a parent going to their child’s boss to ‘tell on’ on them? That would be crazy! I’ve been many people’s boss throughout my career and if a parent of one of my employees had sought me out, I would have thought the parent had some sort of cognitive impairment, I would have listened, said very little, politely bid them goodbye when the were finished and promptly forgot everything they told me.
I probably would not have mentioned the meeting to my employee as I would not want to stress them out. If the employee asked me if their parent ever met with me, I would admit the meeting occurred and mentioned ‘dealing with aging parents is always challenging’ I would have done my level best to convince the employee their parent’s views had not altered how I value them or their contributions to the team.
My father passed away in 1989 and because of the inheritance mess he left behind the family is still angry and holding grudges.
Could you please share how he split the inheritance? Did he give it to strangers?
He's still living rent free in everyone's head 😮
@@0rrin
He was diagnosed and given 5 weeks to live. He didn’t get anything set up. Left people living in homes with his name on the properties. Sold some to people he liked. Estranged his two sons in silence. Just a big mess.
@@perdidoatlantic Thanks for sharing. It's ironic that I feel that this is something my Dad would do - leave properties in his name. I've had no contact for a year now. He told one of my friends that I can only enjoy his wealth while his alive and I should not think I'll enjoy his money when his dead.
Everybodies supervisor should reject this behavior“ that‘s not my business .That‘s a Personal matter. I don‘t want to be involved.
When I would protest my mom‘s mistreatment she would blame shift and tell me that I was making her upset. She would do this in such a theatrical way she could’ve won an Academy award, coincidental since tonight is the Oscars. And then in an act of absolute abuse and manipulation she would tell me to stop or she would throw herself down the stairs. These days she has no recollection And gaslight me and says, I never said that. Once I started therapy about 12 years ago I learned how to better handle these situations. I started to say to her things like, well I’m sorry you would consider doing that but the consequences of your decisions must fall on the shoulders of the responsible party. Or something like, it sounds like you’re uncomfortable with me expressing my needs? Or something like, it sounds like you’re uncomfortable with me being unique and different than you. Then I got a little more assertive and said, it looks like you want me to be an extension of you and act exactly as you?I asked this as a question in overtime she didn’t know what to do with me. It took years to understand that not reacting to my own mother led me to a beautiful place and she now knows she has absolutely no control over me. I’m free. Totally free.
Amen!
Your responses are thoughtful and calm. They are perfect. Well done. Im on my way to getting to this place as well and I finally feel confident and healthy.
My dad did this.
@@stealthwarrior5768Exactly people like narcs & especially untreated Borderlines can pull stunts like that😬.
My father also did this
Number 2 started very early in my childhood. Whenever I had a fight with my sister my parents threatened to put me or both of us into an orphanage and then telling us horror stories about how bad these place were.
The other aspects happened as well. So glad I went no contact.
You told my life story.. Both parents
My mom … she could punch me in the face then say I did it myself then blame me and turn dad against me
🤯🤯🤯
I would rather be disinherited and disowned that to be a hostage.
I appreciate my mother from a distance .
Bingo! 1 - Disowned; 2 - Abandoned; 3 - Disinherited; 4 - Scapegoated. My mother just did it without threatening. Her triangulation was utterly relentless over decades. Going no contact and withholding my new address drove her mad. She resorted to sending photographs of recently sold properties to my eldest son asking if they were mine. My younger sister died 25 years ago at which point my first ex became my parents' executor and my goodness, it took many years for me to tease that out. I eventually confronted my father who confirmed my disinheritance by my mother but not by him. However he took his primary role of spy seriously and declined to set a healthy boundary to respect my right to privacy. I decided to go no contact with him too as there was no basis for trust and I didn't want to keep on providing new information to fuel the triangulation. There are 6 grandchildren, the inheritance will surely bring a bloodbath of ill feelings and rivalries, as there was when my maternal grandmother died.
At last! Same here. I mean, I felt alone with the experience of my narcissistic family.......
My parents don't "threaten". My parents do what they want to do, without telling anyone.
My real problem is that I have to pay close attention to any detail my N parents see in my life (even if I don't say anything about it) because I might suddenly find it destroyed... and I may find it out after months or even years. They do what they want to do, and then they hidden it to me.
To be more precise, in my case, they also go through my things and my documents when I'm not present... They can also find the way to enter my house... ("it was to help me", of course!!).
So I have to hide a lot of things from them... And many other strategies in order to defend myself.
At the moment, going 100% No Contact is not possible in my case.
I'm working on it.
One of God's blessings is my knowing a little English, while they don't even know a word in English.
Otherwise it would be impossible for me to read or listen to anything about narcissism without them knowing about it and finding a way to turn it against me.
So, my point is, they don't threaten to take anything away from me... That is, it's not a question of being richer or less rich, more money or less money.
In my case, they try to steal my things too... and they work purposedly to make a regular life impossible.
For all the rest, I mean in all the other topics, attitudes and behaviours, they are the same as all the other narcissists.
But... as for the topic of threatening, they don't threaten at all.
They do it and then they hide what they did.
(only rarely during some raging peak they threaten things like Coca Cola. They may do it or not. No one knows).
Allways so enlightening and affirming Jerry. I’m a middle aged, self employed carpenter. When I had to separate from my family, nearly 20 years ago, my mother showed up on one of my jobsites, throwing a screaming fit. I would not engage, I kept calmly asking her to leave, because i didn’t let her ping me, so she started throwing herself into things. The customer was there, they knew her at an acquaintance, but not like that. It was extremely embarrassing. The customer was also very high in narc traits. So at first they were very taken back by what happened and boarderline supportive. But a year or two later I was doing another job for them and they started joking about what happened that day. Needless to say I don’t work for them anymore. I’ve been doing a deep dive into narcissism the past 8 years and so much unanswered stuff has been laid to rest. I’m new to family systems and it is so helpful stopping me from doing stuff I hated doing, paying deep penalties for doing and could not stop myself. Mainly fawning, offering help when I shouldn’t, and being overly open, overly giving and overly accepting.
I believe my mother was actually possessed. She said horrible things to me to which I didnt respond because I didnt want a response from the "thing".
Of course you can't be so evil if you don't have demons inside you.
@@sevenseconds8652 I've actually seen the mask drop. The eyes are black , the face not human. I've seen it. 😮 My mother said shocking things to me - on my WEDDING DAY. The thing trying to get a response it could react to. I didn't let it. I was too frightened to. I'm glad it's gone..
@@EricNorthman-h2f I unmasked one too and it started to jump around, sticking the tongue out, crazy!
I left the place very fast, later my family told me that he would kill me if I ever show up again. Of course they stick by his side.
Glad I left that circus for good! ❤️❤️❤️
Another amazing video that addresses some of this hardest parts of this I am going through Right NOW. An adult who is almost 40. Nmom does not like my partner or choices, and is threatening abandonment and disownment (not new) but now threatening disenheritance since I have not been doing exactly what she demands
I used to have a lot to lose and now I don't anymore, but I have much more peace.
I'm an only child and my father died and left a sizable paid for home in the hands of my narc mom, He was a narc also and would tell me he was leaving me nothing. She brags to me how the home will be full of debt by the time she dies and that I cant sell the house legally until she dies. I absolutely could care less. That house is full of so many bad memories I dont want to have the task of cleaning it out. The bank can take it and all of its contents. Before inheriting the house kept me in the people pleasing mode now I could care less.
I had heard the term narcissist, but I didn't know what it meant until I started listening to your videos. You are right on with how my mom is.
Inheritance threats were quickly pulled out - when they had already made their plan to put me out for a long time and promised Everything to my sister who quickly accepted. They felt they didnt need me for anything - so why help me ?
My parents weaponized the mental health community. Forced me on meds that didn't work and I now believe I never needed in the first place, threatened to institutionalize me if I didn't obey their every expectation WITH a smile. I barely escaped and suffered another 20 years after moving out thinking that if I still complied with what they wanted that it would protect me. It didn't protect me and I have finally stood up at 45 years old and with the help of Jerry's videos have been able to differentiate enough now that my peace of mind is finally returning. I was able to go a whole day without my mom in my head or me in hers, it was the same feeling like when you're on vacation and your shoulders just sink down and you breath out and just relax....I haven't felt that in decades. Thank you so much Jerry for all you offer on RUclips....your contributions are changing peoples lives, mine included.
Hi Jerry 💚
As another commenter said in this comment section...my parents actually don't make threats. My N parents do and they have always done purposely damaging actions without previous threats. Indeed, they usually keep their harmful actions hidden.
(for the record... it's not even about inheritance and disinheriting...
Their narcissistic actions go much "further". They consider their right taking from me my own things, my own money, etc. ...with lots of tricks they are used to organize... bc they just can't stand seeing me be successful in my projects... they can't stand me doing well, and so on).
Hence, in my case, verbal threats are not an issue.
In my case, my narcissistic family is a master at causing guilt, shame, blame-shifting, gasligthing, denial, neglect, psychological and material invasion of my boundaries, etc.
But usually they don't make explicit threats. Just a few Coca-Cola threats, so to speak, when they are in the throes of anger and yelling... (but really it is not known whether these threats will be implemented or not. If they will, I could find out even after years of plotting behind my back... Because they deliberately keep hidden and they can cause a life to suddenly deviate... when it comes to consequences of their hidden actions).
It's not easy to explain my family system...
Thank you Jerry.
Always work in progress.
Especially in keeping calm and growing in self-differentiating
My narcissistic mother would punish us three children (even though we are all over 50) the same way as in childhood, though in adulthood it was just a sadistic habit for no reason at all. She might have made promises, or simply took our things without asking (like money from our bank accounts), all "behind the scenes" that we didn't know about until it already happened and was too late. As in your case, she never made "threats" per se.
Jerry, I was so terrified of my mother I don't remember any conversations or any interactions that could even contain any threats. I'm 78 now and still have the same reactions to domineering women, just as nutty from being in that group of people (not a family, just a group) as I was when a child. I have time now to go to counseling so the rest of my life should be better! Your videos have helped me to make that decision. Thank you!!💖
My dad told me 30 years ago he accidentally left me and 1 of my brothers he didn't like off his will.and told me he needed to fix it ...than in 2013..a woman was telling me and my dad that she would be leaving her inheritance to only her daughter as her son has been no help to her...my dad turned to me and said see what happens when you help a parent....he died 3 years later without doing his Will....
I appreciate the calm acceptance conveyed in these videos. All of these have happened in my life. I’m finally further reducing from low contact after having been left to my own devices in the most difficult and devastating times in my life, while they have made a point of telling me what a great time they’ve been having with all the “family” they’ve isolated me from, all the sprinkles on the sundae they’ve busied themselves with while I’ve been just surviving.
Threatening to sue us for access to our children after we said the relationship needed to improve amongst adults before re-introducing children to the dysfunction.
Thank you so much Jerry. This is so validating. So accurate. Experiencing this very thing. Evil, narcissistic father. No other family. Only child. Threatened with disinheritance which im sure will happen as soon as i go no contact. Other threats, smear campaign to his flying monkeys who he can manipulate and believe what he says. He pretends to be a nice guy with them but he is evil, toxic, abusive.
He needs you way more than you need him
Thank Dr. Wise for the comprehensive and effective empowerment in the care you provided all of us here. All of us in the comment section are resilient and on the same road to self discovery and healing.
1:13......
There were *NEVER* there for me in any case, so the abandonment threat is completely meaningless.
It's actually laughable. It's no that at all. The threat has already been carried out, every single day of my life 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Same old, same old
There was an implicit fear that our father would disinherit us. And he did, all of us. Left money to the neighbor across the street.
I know that my father will inherit me, i read between the lines, especially bad things about people, my intuition is 1000% accurate.
My narc mom disinherited me and my brother and gave all the money to the grandchildren which is fine but leaving money to a neighbor? That's beyond cruel! 😢
I refused the inheritance it felt toxic to accept it.
They were vey jealous ive accomplished more than them
Thank you for telling what I'm in the middle of. It's a mess they started and I'm not their savior, just their scapegoat, can to kick, disinheritance... all you've stated, true. Dang 65 years. Bummer is I've been seeking knowledge and healing through amazing folks like you Doc.
Thank you so much for knowing me without meeting face to face in person. You are so incredibly helpful 🌟👍🌟
This is spot on and exactly what I'm going through now.
I’m so glad no one in my family knows where I work or live.
💯 abandoned forever but grateful for this info. It makes total sense.
My old man told me he took me and my brother out of his will. Financial abuse has always been his go-to, after the neglect.
He and my bro are completely estranged, so it wasn't a surprise. For me, the reason why he did it was because I got tired of him trying to belittle and shame me and I reduced my contact with him. This made him furious because I was trying to hold him accountable and point out how nasty he was to me for no valid reason. He's always right, and I never can be. How dare I stand up to his mistreatment!
The best part is that the inheritance was a measly $5,000. I am worth only $5,000 to him. My dignity and self esteem is priceless to me. Because he has admitted cutting me out of his will, I have zero reason to stick around, and no contact has become that much easier. He didn't care about us growing up, so why would he magically have a change of heart now in his twilight years?
I know everything I need to.
Thanks, Jerry.
8:51 im crippled by the fear. I feel violated with no boundaries. I feel dissasociated identity disturbence. I have no inner boundaries. I feel like a dumb child adult
My inheritance was $10,000 and my mother held that over my head my entire childhood. When I became an adult and made my own money, I told her just take me out of the policy and I didn't want anything if it meant I had to do everything she said. She argued that I'm evil and no matter what I will get something even if it's 75 cents and I can't get rid of her that easy.
I was abandoned
AND disinherited. Dropped off on a highway at 15 yrs. then when he died left out of the will. And scapegoated on. I got all of it. And their wishes of what they want from you are outrageous.
I still can't figure out how I got scapegoated as an only child.
Ha ha same my 87 year old mom still dosent have a will and bosses me around in my own house while she pays monthly condos fees for her empty unit she won't sell or put in a will for me. Just to make my life even more hell with probate when she does die. Until then I cook and clean for her in my house, not her empty house she pays for. She dosent even pay me a nominal room and board of a few hundred bucks for being her caregiver. What a piece of work. Wish I would have left for good in my late 20s and never looked back.
What I love the most is my parent who threatened to disown me several times decades ago will say "I don't remember that" if I say anything about it now. To me, a threat like that is pretty intense! How could anyone possibly forget they made it unless they have some kind of cognitive disorder? Amazing.
Typical narc gaslighting. My narc mother was famous for saying that she didn’t remember things or that things never happened. They do it so that we question ourselves. It’s totally intentional & they 100% know what they’re doing. I’m no contact for good
My mother's favorite phrase to scream at me when I was growing up was "GET OVER IT!" As an adult, she still says it to me. She can't remember ANY of the horrible shit she did to the family. Completely blanks out when I mention it. How convenient.
I have told her repeatedly that I'm going to put it on her tombstone because it's all I ever heard when I needed her to be a parent and help me. The last few times recently I mentioned GET OVER IT, she has said 1) "I won't have a tombstone!" 2.) "I don't know how I could have said that to you because that wasn't a phrase my peers said to people!" 3.) "I have never said that to you!"
Weird, right? Why would I make it her epitaph if she's "never!" said it? No apologies. No processing. Just denial and blameshifting.
My parents used to say that I couldnt speak to strangers or the police would take me away like Curly Sue
Thank you for this video. Mother's bday today. 1st time I haven't wished her a Happy birthday. I feel bad but I have reasons.
Same for me but its for Mothers Day . No more