Narcissistic Parents: The Damage of their RAGE & Explosive Outbursts
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
- In this video, I delve into the ways in which your narcissistic mother or father's rage caused you deep-seated trauma and CPTSD.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of its toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he uses his wealth of knowledge and experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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Amazing talk.
You enlightened me to a new level understanding as to both my risk issues with relationships and why dad/moms energy stuck with me so deeply.
The power screaming. Both raged and both were super physical people of power.
Me and my great grandfather agreed before he passed he would always talk to me when I needed him and he does all the time
indeed, and many people think anger is bad but when channeled correctly it actually helps us heal faster. I always will say, learn and share eft techniques for free and they will help make this process tons easier. There is nothing like decades of abuse to bring us to self distruction and the worst abuse is done when the "victim" is not aware and then the "victim" becomes the perpetrator on themselves. Most people are non vegan aka do this to thenselves and others at least once a day not realizing that taking someone else's life is not a personal choice their higher self knows and that's where a lot of shame and trust comes from, because at some level they know if they are willing to partake in the biggest satanic ritual going on to date how can they trust themselves and others? It's all done to keep people in their lower selves of fear, the emotion behind all other emotions other than love~ Much love~ Great video~
@@1ReikiFloWon
Hello Jerry, I would love to do one of your coaching offers, but I don't know which one to choose!
I was the scapegoat child of my narcissistic mother and although I always worked very hard and achieved many goals, I was often taken advantage of, wasn't seen, have low self esteem, had panic attacks years ago, now phases of anxiety and meanwhile I'm very, very exhausted. I can't seem to be able to change that.
I don't know where to start? Could you please tell me which course to start with?
The Family Differentiation Program or
Coaching packages?
When you have a narcissistic and abusive parent, you have no sense of self. They make sure that you understand that your life and feelings don't matter. When you grow up and get out of their house you realize that you have to re-raise yourself to be the person you want to be.
Absolutely
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
And go thru the process of discovering who we are
Unfortunately, that realization doesn't always come quickly for those of us who were brainwashed into thinking that our dysfunctional family environment was, "normal". It took me decades of "shadow boxing"; knowing something was wrong with my life, but not being able to clearly identify what it was, even after decades of therapy and 12 Step. It was only during the pandemic that I discovered YT videos on narcissism in general, and later those specifically on parental narcissism and its impact on adult children.
My stepmom screamed at me constantly, it was total emotional abuse. I used to flinch whenever she came near me, afraid she would hit me. To.this day I walk out of any room when people even raise their voices.
That sucks 😳. I get it.
same here both parents would rage and yell.
I get that! Im very hypervigilant. I suffered attacks from my mother.
yeah I used to be screamed at by my mother all the time, she is very manipulative, and extremely volatile. To this day I can't be talked down to, I'm instantly ready to fight and go out on my shield. In my 30's I still had my father trying to push me around until he realized although he's 350lbs I can still throw him around when I'm cornered and I'm a whole lot faster than him, last time I think I really scared him.
Damn I get that. My N mom is the same as your stepmom. I react the same when someone touches me from behind when I'm not expecting it. Or if someone moves too quickly around me. Is it like a flash back? I get visuals of bad memories as soon as my fight or flight kicks on. I sometimes feel anger directly afterwards. My mom would sneak attack us when we are not paying attention and come up from behind. It was the worst. Best of luck to you
I used to think I was a bad person half my life because both of my parents yelled and screamed at me every time I breathed wrong.
Same, i always felt guilty.
How can their insanities be put on our shoulders, only extremely innocent and kind persons would feel this way, people who raised themselves devoid of their feelings!
I grew up with alot of screaming and shouting in the house. As an adult I will not entertain a man who has temper and anger issues. My great grandma, grandma and mom all married men with temper and anger issues. I will break this generational curse.
Trying to control me with anger, rage, and tantrums is a huge red flag to me. From that moment I start planning my soft escape, knowing that if I just break up and go that he will try to hurt me or destroy something.
Sounds just like my family.
My narc mom died last March. When I was 11 or 12 during one of her raging episodes, she screamed at me telling me that having me was a mistake and I should never have been born. In September on my birthday, I finally realized why, for the last 55 years, I have always been sad and upset on my birthday. It was her. It was her words that have hurt me all my life. After the realization, I told myself that I AM HAPPY THAT I AM HERE, and going forward, I will celebrate being here. My recovery is about forgiving myself, not about forgiving her
As a mother myself, that just breaks my heart that your mother would say that to you. You deserved to be the center of your mom’s heart. Anything less is just horrific. I’m so sorry.
I like how you said you’re glad you’re here. 💯 that’s a great perspective. And maybe you can look at yourself with the motherly love that you deserve (that every person deserves).
I had an epiphany when I visualized my lonely crying hurt child-self, and then visualized giving my child-self a hug and saying supporting and loving things to that child inside. Sometimes we can be way better parents to ourselves.
I'm 62, my mom 92 and she is still trying to drag me through her narssasstic HELL!!!!
Demonic hell
my mothers favourite was "I'm sure they've switched you in the hospital"
she was always saying it like a joke...only later I realized that it wasn't.
@@goranatirkiz1864 oh no! 😱😱😭😭😭 that is just heartbreaking… I simply cannot imagine that mindset. How could a mother ever think or feel that? It’s just beyond horrible. I’m so sorry that was your experience. You deserved all the love in the world ❤️
Just keep your head down, just be nothing… that describes most of my life.
Your safe now. Remind yourself from time to time then look around…
Are you safe?
I did that for awhile!
I felt 10X safer.
Am I safe?
Then look around… and see if this strange statement is true.
When you see it is true. Make the statement again and breath deeper.
I’m safe man 😎
Just did it right now after hearing neighbors car door slam…
I am actually safe!
😢
@@Samantha99652oof I definitely can relate to your comment, I don’t feel safe nor do I feel I can ever feel safe which is embarrassing for me as a grown man now who’s 6’4” but my childhood was a literal hell that it’s no wonder why I feel this way. Still idk what I could do to remedy this situation.
@@Samantha99652 yeah your childhood is very similar to mine except I didn’t have extended family I could visit or rely on being an immigrant in this country I can only recall one time my grandma from my moms side of the family visited us and she was the only one that treated me well and felt safe with, I never saw her again after that and she passed from cancer, it hurt so much I couldn’t believe it. My narcissistic dad was very similar to what you describe and the abuse was daily without ceasing, there were things I was shown clearly weren’t for me or that I was worthy enough to enjoy such as joy/fun, to feel happy or content with my achievements-I could do nothing right etc etc *sigh* I’m surprised I’m still around tbh having suicidal thoughts all throughout my childhood being the only solace I would get to flee from the pain of living and in adulthood until I sought therapy and began treatment. There is this channel I discovered maybe a year ago that I recommend you see, I know he has been very helpful for my therapy being able to put into words what I feel and what thoughts still rule over me, his name is Jay Reid and he has a channel on precisely this -scapegoating.
To all who stopped being visible to be safe . . . stopped wanting or having an opinion to be safe . . . stopped dreaming and settled for survival. Those are normal responses. You aren't broken.
You have acquired unusual skill. Nurture an inner parent that defends, encourages, and is just a bit sarcastic.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
They lied to you be using you as an emotional scapegoat.
My father was an intimidating person. After I grew up, I’ve had more than my fair share of abusive bosses.
it took my until my 60s to say outlaid in a group therapy that what my father did was CRIMINALLY abusive.
Exactly. My mother was maliciously abusive. She phoned my bosses when I was just setting out on my career, and anihalated me with them. Never worked for a boss ever since.
I had an intimidating coworker that yelled at me sitting down to relax my feet then the next day got yelled at again by someone else by making a mistake on the tablesaw with lumber only once... laid me off then I didnt want to go back
What did you abusive bosses do to you?
@@annchenweidemann5694She did you a huge favor!
My father had a major rage problem. He beat me and my sister and brother. He was out of control. To this day I can’t tolerate being around anger. It triggers me and I want to run. I’m in my 60s and it still affects me so much. No child should have to endure a parent like that.
Me too. I'm 62. 🫶🏼🙏🏼
I’m so sorry.
Yeah, me too. Raised voices make me relive the trauma. And I'm 59.
I thought getting older you would forget but you dont.
I thought wrong, probably seen someone older and assumed that everyone was like that.
Everyones different.
You dont forget, you want to but no, need to heal.
My momster still tries to bait me into entering her rage cage. I knew from the age of 14 that I would need therapy because I could feel myself constantly disconnecting and disassociating from my body -- even if I didn't understand why. I was simply a doormat for her to wipe her emotional deregulation on. I believed her when she said all those terrible things about me and gaslit me into agreeing. At 16 I stopped defending myself and became very close to ending everything. It was a constant rage, ignore, apologize, breadcrumb and rinse and repeat. It wasn't until I was 22 when I moved to a different city that I saw the pattern and learned that it wasn't normal, and in fact abuse.
I noticed myself holding so much anger and hated myself for it -- I didn't want to hurt people the way she constantly hurt me. I started therapy at 25 and I'm 29 now with minimal contact. I'm happy to say I don't hold onto anger, I treat it gently and release it. Lifespan integration therapy helped me to work through my trauma from a young age.
Videos like yours, Jerry, remind me that I'm not alone and further validate my experience. Thank you 💛
omg. dissociation, it started for me at 13 until i was 24 25, i was a helplessly trying to explain it to everyone but no one understood
@@walid__0l94❤
Good FOR YOU 😂😂 And the World thanks you for Doing the Work!!
I am envious of the LONG TIme YOU have left to enjoy a good, healthy life.
Please DO enjoy it❤
😂😂😂it took me till 55 to figure it out...oh well. Better late than never
🌞🌞🌞🌞💜
thank you for your words. you help me to make peace with my decades of exposure to the rage. and cut myself a break.
I applaud you for the work you have done, I understand how difficult it can be. People like you make the world a better place, truly. Thank you sincerely , I am doing this work too and it is always nice to know I have fellow travelers involved in this as well.
During my father's rages, I always felt like something inside of me was being killed . One night, when I was 15, he scared me so much that something in me snapped and I thought, "Don't feel it. Let him go on and on but you don't have to feel it." At the time, it felt like a life saving technique and it always worked . But it harmed me in others ways. When you have to block out fear and pain repetitively , you remain in the "fight or flight" stage as you step out into "real life". I'm still trying to shake it 40 years later.
what you described, like it felt like something inside of you was being killed, resonated with me. I ended up doing the same thing with my mom, just going silent and still while she raged, blocking it all out. because no other strategy I had tried over the years worked. NOTHING made her stop raging; not my crying, begging, yelling back, defending, nothing. just waiting until it was over was all I had. youre not alone, and thanks for reminding me that Im not either. ❤️
Rage can also be silent, icy. The child can feel the rage, but gets no other information than a targeted, punishing, contemptuous silence. It’s not neglect, but rather an aimed nothingness with the intention to cause pain, a misguided, interrupted attempt to transfer the pain of the own suppressed inner rage. I observed, that as adults these children then react to sudden breaks of communication with panic and existential fear, even towards people not close to them.
This makes sense
@@Samantha99652 Me too.
@@Samantha99652 Thank you.
@@Samantha99652 I'm still experiencing that in my adult life, and it's wearing me down. I'm getting everything together, so I can leave for good.
@@Samantha99652 God bless you.🙏
"When you have safety stripped from you that's traumatizing."
It’s so unfortunate that the perpetrators don’t realize the long term damage they inflict
I love everything you say. I'm noticing my knee-jerk reactions of shame in my chest and dropping of my head.
I struggle to show my feelings. I avoid sharing my feelings and attraction to others. I expect others, especially those I'm attracted to to find me repulsive and that I have betrayed. I also feel ugly.
I remember a dinner "game" I named the Gotcha game. My mother hung over the table like a hawk, ready to pounce on any signs of vulnerability.
I'm finally learning to be vulnerable and feeling my feelings openly after 71 YEARS.
Wow. Yes… your view and knows is valid sir ❤
You know Jerry, you 200% deserve to be a parent and worth it. Not everyone is worth to be one.
"We grew up with too much tolerance for it" explains why some family members had issues with me. I had been away for so long that I had lost the high tolerance for that.
Being an aged person,still have to take medicine to help prevent nightmares
I am 57 and never recovered. Survival feels harder than ever. I chose not to have children because of my family and my symptoms.
I'm also 57 and never had children because I thought having kids must be the worst thing in the world if it made my dad act like he did. Felt the guilt for making him so rageful all those years. We no longer have a relationship and it is such a relief.
Same.
As a little child I vividly remember hiding under the 🛏️ & 😭 so much whenever my narc dad would go into rages...Now as an adult I 👀 his temper tantrums as absolutely pathetic & disgusting🤢.I don't do that unhealthy krud...But it sure amazes me how the tables can change once we're adults & are no longer those scared little kids🌞👍.
Pathetic and Disgusting is right.😢...man..if I were an adult back then!...
"We absorb so much violence and insecurities everyday that we are like time bombs ready to explode. We need to find a cure for our illness"- The late Venerable Zen Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh.
i was the golden child of a narcissistic violent mother , after all those years of suffering and anxiety medications. now i see what that was 😢
Yes. GC needs to perform in order.to keep that coveted status
You just described my life since early childhood.
I went through all of the trauma you just explained.
And still am.
I get triggered literally everywhere.
Definately need to get out of this place and space.
.
You are also spot on about physical effect of rage on us.
Personally I was always a bit overweight.
Sometimes I get very overweight.
And then I get slimmer when the narcissistic grip weakens for a while.
I even did a lot of drinking trying to numb that never ending pain.
But 10 years ago it made me ill, so I made a decision to stop. And never drank any alcohol since.
But I do try to numb the pain by eating a lot of sweet things.
I am also physically exhausted a lot of time.
Always was.
Being a really bright child and adult I couldn't go through the tasks because of the internal pain and distress caused by the never ending narcissist's problems I had to deal with, with her rage, with her shaming me about almost everything!
It eats up almost all of your energy!
If this doesn't end I might just die. I am not planning on suicide. No.
I am just out of inner resources to do anything but basic survival stuff I have to attend to every day.
People have no idea how severely damaged the survivors of narcissistic rage are!
I entered adulthood at a similar place. I started therapy and self-healing in college. Year after year it has gotten better. It’s been 20 years of healing and I still have work to do, but my teenage-self wouldn’t recognize me now. There is hope and healing. ❤️🩹
As a child, my alcoholic father raged. As an adult, my Golden Child older sister rages.
I referred to them as rage-a-holics. It seemed as if anger was an addiction to them.
There are two types of people in my family of origin...those that rage and those that dance to prevent the rage.
I have often said that of anything my father had an addiction to anger. Cool.
Maybe more like control freaks, as that is truly why they use the rage. A manipulation tool to keep us walking on eggshells, to keep us from speaking the truth, and to keep their mask in place among acquaintances.
God bless us all 4 having horrific parents.
Narcissistic rage from my father ruined me for so many things it’s hard not to feel robbed of the man I could have been but not yet am even now at my mid 30’s, so much lost potential of a lot of things, happiness love both to myself and a loving partner. Instead it’s robbed me from so much joy as an adult that I am beginning to understand to see just how much it has affected me😪😔
My nm raged at me every single day. I have stuck trauma that I am working through. I went no contact and it's been five years. I'm finally healing from it. I can't be near screaming, yelling, and talkative people to this day. I am finally sleeping at night and have no more insomnia. Cause she would rage scream long after we went to sleep. Mommie dearest had nothing on her 😢.I have high anxiety from being terrified of her.Good luck to everyone watching this
I finally slept more than 2.5 hours in my 58 YEAR LONG LIFE just 2 weeks ago!! That was better than sx!!
Sounds like you are So on the road to recovery, and I know I don't know you, but I am proud of you for doing the work❤😂ty
All of a sudden I'm in love with life, and disregarding all the negative crap. One thing to do to further your life, is to stop focusing your energy on the past. Can't do anything about it. Move on. LIVE the life you want to have. Imagine yourself on your death bed : what would you regret not doing? Make steps to do that today. Smile at yourself. You are wonderful. You are YOU. And there's only one of YOU! How amazing is that?
👍👍👍 This is 100%!!!!
Thank you for this comment. I always was in the role of a scapegoat for my father . Whatever I decided to do, I was wrong. Once he told me-when someone said that he like me , this person just want to abuse me in a sexual or financial way , cause to love me just for myself is impossible. All of my life I believed that I’m just a bad person, with a bad character. Now I’m near to my 60th birthday and I really want to change the way I saw myself for such a long time and start healing and live a positive life. I know it’s possible.
@@struwwelliese3744 These voices from the past aren't real. When one of those voices enter my thoughts I remind myself: this is just a thought, and a thought is just a thought. Get up, do something. Dance. Splash really cold water on your face...anything to stop your own brain from hurting you further. Much love to you. Love yourself. You are loved.❤
@@Em-mr6wu thank you for your uplifting words .
A couple things about rage.. Someone doesn't have to be yelling to have rage.. I have been around plenty of people who were raging on the inside.. It still comes out but not as always as yelling..
This video is talking about the effects of rage.. The double edge sword for me is that I have a high tolerance or you could say that I stay in rageful situations longer than I should and I don't have any tolerance meaning that I have all the physical symptoms that you are talking about..
I wonder what % of people with raging narc parents end up with normal partners. Not many I'd imagine. That emotional intensity gets set high and then normal people who would be healthy for you seem boring. I grew up with my teenage mother screaming at the top of her lungs to try to get a reaction out of my grandma. To a toddler it probably felt like living in a literal war zone. The ability to trust in me is almost non-existent. Over close and then not close enough is so on point.
My father recently had explosions of rage. It threw me/my nervous system into my childhood state of constant tip toeing stress alert. Of course the situation did not allow me to get angry, I had to act like the parent. I’ve been angry ever since. He thinks he’s right in expressing his anger, but says “Forgive me” one time and after that the incident is over for him, until next time.
*in expressing his rage
I couldn’t participate in sports because when the coaches yelled(as they often do in basketball)I would panic not knowing what I did wrong. They weren’t even yelling at me. I only felt safe by myself. My brother received the worst treatment from our mother. He is in total denial and can’t admit how much he hates her. I had to stand by and watch. I don’t trust anybody.
I've never heard the term rage applied to a narc but now I can see that rage was one of the more destructive behaviors I received as a child. I guess it's fair call it rage if the beatings where delivered by a sober person with dilated eyes, grimacing teeth, screaming. I'm my case the rage ended when my parent shutdown from the physical exhaustion of beating me. I knew at the time that they were deeply flawed people but now, in my 60's, I'm still working through all that.
It's a long road 😕
It's crazy because my father was a rager, literally his whole life. The arguments he would have with my mom as a child definitely left an impact on me, the youngest. I never experienced rage until my late 20s early 30s - mainly because I was the scapegoat/gaslit youngest and only daughter. I only had issues with my family, never with outside people. I went to therapy once I realized the level of dysfunction in my family of origin. My older male siblings however, still raging. It's very sad to see what happens when people refuse to grow (internally) and refuse to get help.
I totally relate to you. Omg. I also get along well with others, just not my family. Only my immediate family. Me, scapegoat and youngest. My sister, 2 years older and golden child. My dad, alcoholic narcissist rager. Mom, "narcopath" total narcissist mother/ wife. She actually became the worst one over time. My dad's rage and fighting with mom when we were kids, wrecked me. I'm 59 now. I've been in therapy for 9 years and it's wonderful. ❤❤❤
I am the first born, only daughter in my 60s. I surprise myself with the vivid memories of my young life.
I recall walking through to hear mom saying she worried about me. Yet, I was living in the middle of mom and dad's tension. Dad was the rager, mom the covert, and I became the scapegoat.
Actually, dad grew out of it, and he was my saving grace. Mom was the victim, allergic to good feelings and pretty much remained antagonistic till this day.
I wish I knew why being the only daughter sets us up.
My narc parents had their fights in rhenight and I heard it all. Very distressing. I cried in the night to hear it
My mom should have been a drill sergeant. The levels of yelling and screaming she could do was terrifying for me and my sisters. She was rarely happy and almost always angry.
I learned later that she was abused by her father, which gives me some understanding, but does not make how we were treated ok.
It screwed up my ability to relate to women, and I latched on to the first girl that was kind to me, and got married. That clearly ended. And I have been in cptsd recovery since.
I grey rock and low contact my mom, and that has helped immensely.
My mother died a few days ago. I hadn’t seen her for almost 20 years. I had put down a couple boundaries and she decided to never see me again rather than treat my 3 little step children the same as my own children. Her rages had me walking slowly home from school dreading my arrival because of the rage. After bars close my brother and I would lay quiet in our beds waiting because if we had forgotten a light on or a cup unwashed we’d be dragged out in the middle of the night. And the beatings… lined up at the door, me second, hearing my sister scream, having to pull down our own pants, keep our hands away and not cry. God, I have no self, I have no idea what…..anything. There were 8 of us all together and I’m the only one that lives in the world in any normal way so survivors guilt is real. I have no idea why I made it. My husband no doubt. Anyway, I’ve not cried. Not a tear. It just won’t come. It’s real. I’m 62 now. I’m happy though broken, and I’m loved. I’ve not damaged my kids. I did not rage or hit them. I’m am ill and have been all my life so it may have all gone inward. Thanks for listening. I’ve actually never shared this with anyone but my husband. Since she died I feel free. I know. I’m horrible. It’s just not there.
I grew up the EXACT same way and I almost hate that parent for the violent temper tantrums into my life, forcing me to waste my life over trivial nothings. I remember laying in bed at night, dreading for them to come home. It was horrible. And I don't miss them either. Nobody tells you that you don't miss malignant abusers when they die. You feel relief. You have one less enemy in life.
You are not horrible When my mother died l felt nothing but relief that she was gone
Yeah, the yelling the hitting (full force closed fist punches), the "nothing is ever good enough", etc etc etc. We grow up to think it's all normal, *until* we get away from it.
There is only one thing worse than a narcissistic parent and that is two narcissistic parents. I’m 77 still working through the damage they caused to their four children is immense. In embarrassment and shame I can honestly say their deaths were more relief than grief. Forgiving them is an on going process and every time I think of their deliberate abuse I say I forgive them. One of the biggest problems I have to deal with as I work through this is when I meet people who are suffering the same effects that I had/ have. and they don’t know it. Carol McCooke
I do NOT think we need to work on forgiveness honestly. Forgiveness happens organically at a certain point.
I grew up with a lot of yelling. I’m trying so hard not to yell at my kids. It very difficult and one of my biggest challenges
I experienced chronic narcissistic rage from my dysregulated father and occasional intense rage from my mother growing up. I have C-PTSD as a result and can feel the shame and fear of those episodes directed at a cute adoring sub 5-year-old. I’ve had textbook dysfunction in my adult life as a result. I’m self-differentiating and therapy, combined with yoga and Transcendental meditation to calm my nervous system have been helping me to move my emotional location back to me and my regulation - as opposed to enmeshed with the narcissistic family. Thank you for your shedding light on a difficult and misunderstood topic. Light dispels darkness - 🙏🏻
I relate to EVERYTHING you have experienced.
God bless you...God help all of us😢
I never heard of narcissistic rage before, but I have experienced it. It's a living hell! Living with a narcissistic parent is like going through hell. And all these feelings it created, you described them so well! I never looked at them, but boy, did I live with them, and still do! Thank you for addressing this, it's very educational 🙏🙏
This one hit home for me. Narcissistic rage from one parent and an older sibling, codependent/enabling other parent. Other siblings absent from my life, probably for their own survival, I now can see. I'm the youngest and the most sensitive and empathetic of the family.
Thanks for this.
I'll be starting IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy very soon. I'm really looking forward to it. I can't wait to start healing and letting go so I can move on and move forward. I'm 54 years old and have no idea who I am outside my toxic, disregulated, narcissistic family of origin.
At least, now, I know there is hope, and that I'm not the only one. That's really something!
A funny thing I enjoy laughing at : my dad tried to punch me . I caught his fist and would not let him push through with the punch . When he tried to withdraw his fist I would not allow it , just held his fist . He came to an epiphany that day .
my father 100%
Same here.
my mother as well . I can feel that monster in my head 😢
Same here
Mine too. He was also an alcoholic. When I was 6 or 7, one day in the kitchen he raised his clenched fist above his head to bring it smashing down on me, with a wild aggressive face. I was frozen. He could have killed me. My mother thankfully told him no, she's just a child. But that image is forever etched in my mind. I am so glad I don't socialise with my family of origin any more, I have independence and peace.
This raging at one child 99% more than the other kids tells those kids how to treat the one, you can have no contact for months, years and that sibling will rage at the one...no matter the stupidity or innocence of a situation. That sibling is a miserable human, multiple divorces and relationships are multiple failures and presents with questionable motives.... taking money and lying to keep control.of elderly parents who now receive the same treatment. Very sick cycle.
Jerry, this video nails it! I went from a narcissistic father to a narcissistic husband, because I tolerated it. Crazy!! I would react to his raging by screaming back, like a scared dog backed into a corner. I now know what has been going on and I am working on myself and looking to the future!! Thank you so much, Jerry!!
I wish I could give this video one million thumbs up. Verbal abuse (aka yelling) was normalized in my family of origin and I picked up the habit. I had to learn not to yell in college. I am definitely the villain in other people's stories for acting out those abusive behaviors when I was super dysregulated and unaware. I had to learn regulation skills and acknowledge my shitty behaviors so I could choose better behaviors moving forward. (It's hard to choose healthy behaviors when you're dysregulated bc the prefrontal cortex goes offline.) I'm glad to say I've made improvements and this video inspires me to continue to improve. Thanks, Jerry!
My mum raged at me and would attack me in fits of rage. Ive suffered cptsd for years and am still in touch with my mother. She half apologised once but is narcisstic and everything is about her. She's always wanting me to help her with stuff and I'm now struggling CFS and don't have energy to help her and trying to put distance in, but today I first learned I'm trauma bonded to her!! Ahh, makes sense why I can't go no contact!! I'm a work in progress!!
He didn’t mention the freeze response but that was exactly how I dealt with my father & then in my last situation with a raging narcissist I froze rather than fled. I gave up arguing & for financial reasons felt stuck. Then I went completely gray rock & when he finally just disappeared owing me $1000 rent, it was simply a relief! My physical health gradually began to improve & I went back to work. After a year narc free not only have I broken the trauma bond but also healed the pain of cognitive dissonance. He was exactly like my non Dad & wasn’t a partner at all… these toddlers are stuck with mommy issues that had nothing to do with us. They will never recover so all we can do is recognize the dysfunctional behavior & exit immediately. Narcissistic personality disorder is above our pay grade so leave it to a higher power
As A child with gastrointestinal issues, yup i internalized all my familys narcissistic stressors into bleeding stomach ulcers by age 9. Thanks for this video.😢
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you.
I'm so glad!
The chronic stress I have and the stress that is being triggered is to intolerable.
I used to pretend that or tell myself that this isn't happening and just lie to myself when my brain is overloaded with the stress hormone to the point of my malfunctioning.
Thank you
My entire childhood.. my sister continued this cycle, but thank good I found Dr Ramani and went no contact ❤
I used to run away to a nearby church and sit against the concrete pillars just freezing up. After an hour or so I would go home. No looked for me or asked where I was. Praise God Im so much better.
Some of my earliest memories is being raged at. 2024 marks a whole 2 years since he stopped -- I laid down a hard boundary plus grey rocking it.
Insightful, especially how chronic narcissist rage is reducing, minimising, and overwhelming. And also why internalised shame, guilt, threats and fear must be processed for self acceptance and safety not enmeshmemt, trauma bonding and anxiety.
I also think that intrusion and Invasion into privacy by them is just as bad as rage.
Feels like you need to wait in impossible lengths to be yourself or to live life because of all their enmeshment just feels like a big burden that ruins everything and creates so many problems that I can't live my life even if I have stuff to do because they get so enmeshed into my head that it's not worth doing if this is how it is.
Always in the state of fight flight or Fawn or just shutting down
Outstanding video. Thank you. Dealing with this as a child left me hypervigilant for any signal that a rage was imminent so that I could either make myself very small or invisible to try to avoid it. Yes, it can seem to be normal. I ended up marrying someone who often flew into rages and, for a long while, I felt this was just "normal" behavior. Such an insightful video.
Sometimes it's combined with external. All it takes is at home, then asshats on the outside that will try to throw it back in the other direction about what it is.
When you do that, you sometimes solidify yourself as the blame completely. Never do that. Especially if you claim not to be a cause of something.
People will try to remove blame while placing it, and when that happens? Evil prevails.
00:25 🔄 Changing Emotional Location: To heal from narcissistic rage, it's essential to change emotional location, which refers to how we perceive and emotionally connect with others in a relationship or system.
01:26 🌡 Emotional Intensity: Trauma from narcissistic rage leads to heightened emotional intensity, often resulting in prolonged high alert states. Recovery involves addressing and reducing this intense emotional response.
01:57 😨 Trauma from Rage: Narcissistic rage causes trauma through its intense and overwhelming emotional nature, leading to feelings of helplessness, fear, and loss of control.
04:48 🤯 Enmeshment and Abandonment: Witnessing narcissistic rage can lead to enmeshment, abandoning oneself to cope with the overwhelming emotions, affecting self-identity and causing retraumatization.
05:51 🚫 Loss of Safety: Narcissistic rage shatters a sense of safety, creating a constant state of danger and anxiety. Lowering anxiety becomes crucial for recovery.
07:47 🧠 Psychological Impact: Narcissistic rage can result in symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD, causing flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, trust issues, and challenges in emotional regulation.
10:04 🩺 Physical Health Impact: Chronic exposure to rage can lead to physical health issues, including heart problems, weakened immune systems, and gastrointestinal problems.
11:32 💔 Interpersonal Relationship Challenges: Narcissistic rage creates difficulties in interpersonal relationships, affecting trust, emotional intimacy, and leading to polarized behaviors in closeness and distance.
14:36 🔁 Repeating Patterns: Being a victim of narcissistic rage can lead to cycles of anger or abuse, perpetuating similar patterns in relationships. Breaking these patterns requires healing and self-awareness.
16:24 😔 Guilt and Shame: Experiencing rage can evoke internalized guilt and shame, causing individuals to question their worth and contribute to a trauma bond with the abuser.
18:37 🎓 Healing Program: The speaker recommends a program, "Your New Road to Self," emphasizing changing emotional intensity and location for trauma healing from narcissistic abuse.
Thank you really. This guide posts are really helpful.
She never screamed But always looked at me with coldness and disaproval. Mother s Day 1987 I bought her glasses and she raged about it. Christmas were aways a living hell, all about her feelings and faking sickness, so all attentions on her chinenegans and pretending she was fainting. 4 decades of it makes us really sick. Now she has a religious gang stalking me. Also running a smear campaingn against me.
"Repeating patterns" Yes! So clear in my family.
Wow!!!! Someone finally gets how I've always felt ❤❤❤ I was always the target of sperm donor's rage and temper tantrums. It's been a huge eye opener to see just how much we've all had to carry because of childhood trauma
Doesn't it feel amazing when you finally realize someone understands ❤
@angelapitts2123 Yes, it does 💯 I was always made to feel like I was crazy and responsible for sperm donor's behavior, and since I didn't know any better, I believed that
My whole life growing up. My dad thought me flinching was funny.
My mom would drink/violent beat the crap out of me...stopping for nothing...
My dad was a narcissist...belittling & constantly fighting with me. He was jealous & hated me...bc I reminded him of my mom. He hated my mom.
Just before my mom died, she cursed me...saying she wished she never had had me.
After my mom died....I got to take her place. I think my dad hated everything about me.
He said..."aren't you glad your mom's dead...now she can't beat you anymore."
....when I was born I was a "miracle child"...1#7oz...smallest baby to be saved @ that time. I made the local papers.
.....wonderful way to treat a "miracle".....right?
Thats correct. I bonded with my narc mom and realised who she was only later in my marraige
Those days there was no good knowledge of narcs. There was only called "a love-hate relationship. I tred to keep a lot contact with her
This is a great one!
You are a blessing to us Jerry. Thank you for this incredible video
Had a violent narcissistic husband and narcissistic adoptive mom. The board on a basketball balancing act feels so accurate to me. What i learned was that there was no emotional equilibrium; the utter lack of equilibrium IS the equilibrium one has to accept and learn to work with. The way Trust begins to sound in your head is, "I trust that other human beings will always have the potential to harm me," and then it goes from there.
Shame on you for your selfish entitlement, to another's child!
@@sofiewhite1984 you must be talking to my dead adoptive mom
"Trauma bond" No this man. They are in Maryland and I am in Tennessee. No contact.
I look back at my child hood and now realize whenever my mom wanted to have a family meeting all that it was about was for her to rage against us three kids and my dad since we were no praising her enough or doing exactly what she wanted us to do. I could never understand what i did wrong and why she would just up and leave. i was always afraid that she was not going to come back home. I am 59 years old and only now have I figured out that my mother is a narcissist.
This video was really awesome, because it is about my entire existence
since ... well , back to my first memory at 3 yrs.old.
up to this present day ,today. 62 yrs.old.
Alot of days experiencing parental rage, etc.
Thanks for watching!🙂
Mr. Wise when you are talking I feel like you are talking directly to me and my brothers. I’m 40 years old and when I hear anyone yell, I freak out and start shaking and just sit quiet until it’s over. And I’ve had intimacy issues for years with my husband. Thank God he’s very understanding. Wish I could be different. Until I watched your videos I didn’t realize how toxic my parents were. I had an idea, but now I know.
You got this!
I got the shingles when I was 10 years old. One would think it would make a couple of parents reflect.
All the rage and yelling unlocked something dormant.
I did calibrate for survival. I feel so much better now that I dont have to deal with my parents and their demons anymore. I may not have a lot, but I am not a slave to their emotions, whims, or demands either.
My Dad Was Very Narcissistic Rage Abusive To Me When I Was A Kid
Jerry Wise insights into narcissistic abuse carry us beyond the initial recognition phase, beyond the anger and retaiation phases, into the self-healing phases. Eventually pursued, self-healing can soften the hard edges of CPTSD and enable us to weather the occasional emotional storms we used to bury. Maybe even learn to support friendships we might otherwise dynamite. Thanks, Jerry!
HARD EDGES!! I haven't heard anybody else mention HARD as an issue very often but that is EXACTLY what I have found to be key to my progress lately. I have paid attention enough, for long enough now to note the headache I INSTANTLY start to get when I have one kind of hard energy going on. It's ALL SO Emotionally based it's CRAZY,😅 BUT the great thing is once we GET THAT, the healing can just take-off so quickly 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂❤best of luck
I instead of the basketball, I describe it as trying to sit on a chair with 2 legs.
My mom always had gastrointestinal issues and grew up in the house with an alcoholic, my maternal grandfather.
They are horrible beings...
And some of them age Terribly.. the before and after is unbelievable
@@angelika87Tell me about it!My narc father recently got a terminal cancer diagnosis & he's barely 61😳.They age about as well as a big fresh 🐟 that was left in a very hot 🚗 for 2 weeks😵.
Thanks Jerry, once again you clearly know how this works. I watch your channel and realise I don't need validation because it is clear who my tormentor is.
I just have the symptoms which come from the abuse that you highlight.
I don't care for my mother's abusing me, I just want to heal myself.
You show me how it's not me and all that abuse has left me traumatised but there's more hope of a kind of recovery, from your videos.
Thank you for your kind words
You might want to check out my program
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
This sounds like borderline rage, rather than narcissistic rage. But good video. I grew up with this rage from infancy until moving out. The severity of this type of abuse isn't talked about enough, I don't think.
Narcissistic rage is a real thing. I’m sure rage could happen with other disorders too…
My father is a severe covert narcissist. He would fly off the handle in rages, screaming at the top of his lungs, banging on steering wheels and dashboards (in cars), pounding on doors when I would lock myself in my bedroom for safety. I remember being huddled in the corner of my room just terrified… eventually his rage would subside, then eventually he would come back to give a gaslighting apology (like “I’m sorry you made me rage”)… I remember running and hiding a lot, but car rides were the worst because there was nowhere to go… he’s so narcissistic that after 20 years, he literally believes his delusions that he was a “wonderful” father and “always so gentle”… 😡 yeah only a narcissist could terrorize their family for decades and come out thinking they are wonderful… 🤦♀️ He is an extreme case of narcissism, but I think narcissistic rage can also exist in less extreme cases.
@@ReneeRushing No, he is pure Covert Narcissist. He has all the qualities to an extreme degree. Also, from my understanding of BPD, he wouldn’t meet the criteria… but it’s interesting that they both have a rage component.
Thank you. Yeah it was terrible, but now I also feel bad for him… Some people don’t realize how narcissism can affect the entire life and lead to a dire outcome.
@@ReneeRushing Definitely. I’m sorry she’s been doing that. Me and my siblings have been plain about our father’s abuse. If the flying monkeys don’t respect your boundaries, I would recommend distancing. You could let them know the reason, or just distance subtly.
I have been upfront about my distance for many years but a couple years ago, I had long conversations with a few of my Aunts and Uncles. My siblings have maintained some contact and that has opened them up to more guilt trips… but my siblings put their foot down about not being primary caregivers for our father. (It would be too difficult given the history of abuse. )
I know every family is different so this might be difficult, but you deserve to have your story heard and your boundaries respected. I hope you can get away from the flying monkeys or get them to stop.
Anger is something we can process, rage is just primal. Wow!! That’s exactly where I’m at right now ; I’ve finally been able to turn my rage into anger where I can deal with it. Thank you so much Jerry.
You got this!
Good tips. Sometimes we need to see the narcissist as an inadequate parent, uncle, aunt or grand parent. They can not see your processing of the events. As adults we need to find our worth and stature by not accepting that rage as natural or not as what you deserved.
I have been discouraged and targeted by a few elders, including some teachers, their dark energy can intimidate you for weeks and months, interestingly I saw my worth at the very tender age, I could see why they were hopeless.
I try to function but im always pleasing every one. And eople walk over me i try to b stern. My mom when i was little hit me over and over with the phone i dare not move. She raged at me because there was a inceident where i didnt speak up 4 my self i never knew that u could stick up 4 your self. Shes mad at me 5 not speaking up and shes beating me up 4 not sticking up 4 my self. She beat us girls for anything. Im glad im pretty strong considering i always got hit for anything just horrific. Im not the great person i was meant to b. But i do my best.
My mom had a huge rage issue. I remember growing up and hearing the arguing start and then id hear things start being thrown and breaking. It was never a physical fight but she did break things people cared about as she freaked out on people. When i was an adult and she did it, she broke several TVs and so much glass and electronic devices. I had so many anxiety and panic attacks and i still get them hearing raised voices. The few times we butted heads she didnt throw anything at me but my self injurous tendencies come out and the last time i had one, she was trying to explain why i was being attacked by her botfriend over facebook messenger and trying to excuse it as oh he was cussing out the people hacking my account, not me. My whole nervous system was just shot and i fell into old behavior and banged my head into the wall a half dozen times in frustration. I vaguely remember just telling her she was full of it and was being crazy and at some point she came over and banged her own head into the wall until she fell down. She was going on about oh i didnt believe in the family, oh i was against the family, etc. marking ke a traitor. I thought we talked through it some a day or two later but she refused to apologize over the phone and avoided me physically. Then came her boyfriends outburst turning to physical violence and we fled.
I think, at least for me, it's the powerlessness, the inability to protect ourselves because that's "our parent."
Now that I am an adult, I refuse to stand before her like a defenseless child. I won't do it. And since there is no reasoning with her, after all, as you clearly stated that they won't change, I do the best thing: no contact. Our relationship is not worth a repeat of my first 20 years of life with her.
Here right after the rage over the phone because I didn’t answer the phone for 3 minutes
Your teaching about multiple levels and sorts of ANXIETY helped me be able to identify additional sources to heal when I had done a lot of work but was still flipping into trauma responses and couldn't figure out why I was still being triggered
.
You helped me mop up more and feel better faster.b❤bthanks Jerry.
I'm eternally grateful.
This video was so needed I just went through this a few days ago for the first time in a few months and I noticed I tried to become invisible stay quiet and I stopped eating as much. I’ve never noticed this but I don’t like being here so I’m forcing myself to get out of it and get back to my regular programming this video is very helpful
Thanks jerrry
We enmesh, we're shattered, driven down into our root chakra (survival, safety, community, driven sexuality)... and we're CONSTRICTED!
Their rage is like an intense astringent, an acid on us! It constricts us like someone shrinking and felting wool - into a tight, tangled ball 😢
FIGHT, FLIGHT, FAWN OR FREEZE
Yet again a video that explains so much and brings clarity
painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
My mother ragebullied every single family member right out of her life and tethered my younger brother with money he's oblivious to this dynamic and does not realize he is her slave...
If there were emmy's for youtube, I'd nominate this episode! Thank you Dr. Wise! This one really hit it out of the park for me and I see ALOT of this active in me. My mother was the rager and now my sister is the rager. I'm terrified of family gatherings because someone IS going to pop off and yup, I'm terrified of gatherings in general because that is my normal and so I expect it and so I avoid social gatherings with more than a few people (pandemic didn't help). I am especially terrified of women, which as a woman, makes the world really difficult for me to navigate as I don't trust or seek out female wisdom. On top of it, my father taught me to hate and distrust women because of his own raging mother, which clearly his repeat trauma sought out in my mother. I now feel incapable romantically because most of the examples in my youth are of a raging woman and a passive aggressive alcoholic man, neither of which is me and neither of which I desire! but i can't break through the frame because my trust is so fundamentally broken and undeveloped. Thank you, I look forward to working through this with my therapist later this week. May you be well Jerry
Jerry.. this is so good! I have not heard you talk about how we lose that feeling of Safety when exposed to the raging narcissist.
I guess I knew that in my head but when you said this I felt some underlying anxiety give way. The analogy of the basketball SPOT on that is exactly what it feels like ! Thank you for this great video!! ❤ You still speak to my heart!!
I became numb to the screaming, I totally tuned her out and did not respond unless she hit me.
Thank you for posting.
You're welcome
WOWZA! This video was so helpful. I finally understand the root cause of a lot of my issues. Thank you. My dad was a constant rager.
Thank you!