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“I used to think that the worst thing was to end up alone. Now I realize the worst thing is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” Robin Williams
A pastor used to say the only thing that is worse than being alone and wishing you were married is being married and wishing you weren't. I lived that. It is all consuming.
F8oK8 WHAAT: you ate ALL THE RAISINS !!??!! You terrible person !! (I wanted to eat all the raisins). Quick, run, walk, drive down to the grocery store, and buy some more raisin bran!! Tell you what - I'll just eat half the raisins, and we'll play catch (with our mouths) with the other half!! But, I want to make damn sure that I get more than half the remaining raisins. Be aware, I have already counted the raisins (in case you try something), and I will be counting the raisins I throw at you. BTW, do you also slice a banana on a bowl of raisin bran? YOU DON'T ??? Philistine.
@@gigid9606 because you can’t reliably expect the world to give it to you. Even if you did get it, if you were not aware that you could go without it, you would be in constant fear. Living in fear often leads to self sabotaging behavior as well as pursuing things which may not be optimal for you in order to avoid what you fear. When you are able to go without, you have a better perspective in which to pursue love and approval in ways in that are more likely to succeed as well as fulfill you.
Its interesting to me you find this disturbing I have often wondered what people with fmily and friends thought of others who dont have that. Sometimes folks without anyone HAVE to go it alone, what else can ya do? You cant make people love ya or want to be your friend and you cant really choose your family, people are not like that, no one just opens their front door to you and says "Hi we are here for you if you need a friend or family. Friendships also take many years to form and develop and if you have been in spilt up or traumatised in your early years its hard to keep friendships because of physical circumstances like moving away and losing contact or it could be religious exclusion etc. People without normal connections who are not dead yet HAVE to go it alone there is no other option apart from death.
Having the ability to stand on your own, self-differentiation, and live without love or approval is the most empowering skill anyone can possess. It literally means freedom, forever. That is not to say that one should not enjoy love when love is healthy, but to be able to be JUST as happy with, or WITHOUT, love is true power. It's really the only power on this Earth, aside from love itself.
Amy Bogdan you say amen to this nonsense!!!!!! Humans are social creatures by nature. Being alone is never the way to go. You will fail miserably in the long run. Being alone causes, anger , negative thoughts, depression, anxiety and stress.
1. Intentionally grieve the loss of the lack of love and acceptance 2. Visualize being supported and strong by you and the earth. Be behind you, no matter what 3. What gives you pleasure 4. If you did not need the love of others, what would you be doing? You're not getting love anyway so what is the harm in giving up the obsession for it. What we fear is already happening to us. 5. Every man is an island but the healthy ones have bridges
Hello. I am a 67 year old woman who had an alcoholic father and narcissistic mother. Of course I then went and married a covert narcissist. After 32 years of a dysfunctional relationship I am divorcing him. I find myself completely alone for the first time in my life and was getting used to it when I found this video. I have been working on recovery and your encouragement to stand alone has helped me so much at this point in my development. It's vital to love self first.
amjPeace you should consider hiring a coach or therapist that specializes in divorce recovery. It’s very difficult to leave a narc after so many years. You need and deserve support.
amjPeace after you leave you won't be able to believe you didn't do it sooner. Do it. Do it. There is NEVER a reason to stay in a relationship that doesn't honour your HIGHEST good. You are beyond strong enough. Every belief you have that tells you otherwise is a LIE. Good luck
Yup it is rooted in my childhood. As a child who never had authentic connections with family and friends, I never felt worthy of healthy joyous relationships. So being alone to me is a reminder that I’m not worthy. Yes, I have grieve that The little girl inside of me never got the love she should have got
I can relate to this. Being alone is a reminder I’m not worthy. I relate being alone as rejection which I felt in my family of origin. I was never motivated to do things growing up and I struggle with this now and I’m 65.
Never tell someone relatively new in your life Ithst you've been abandoned or lonely with no family. They could use your position against you. Thanks. Very very good advice. I've been going it alone for a few years now. I'm trying to get rid of approval addiction. Seriously, this is the single important video I've viewed lately. Thanks. Just subscribed!
Natasha Rose My Narc aunt knew about me as a carer, with hardly any other financial nor family to support me n used it against me. Be careful even with relatives. She tried to isolate me further from getting emotional support from her husband who is my blood relative uncle. They don't STOP!
I totally agree with you. I met someone and suspected he might be a narc. I bragged to him that I have people who surround me and check on me all the time. That I am never alone. Plus I have a very strong connection with my source. He did not contact me again.
I am learning that my bouts of loneliness mean I'm not trapped and copping abuse and bad behaviour so think of it as not a bad thing. Buy myself a coffee. Get my hair done. Drive to the beach. Join a book club. Saving up to buy a dog and an apartment for myself. Loneliness easier to fix than being stuck in trauma brain damaged from years of emotional drama and gaslight about own real issues providing energy nothing in return. Take care on your journeys ❤
"Needy-ness will always result in being abandoned." Yes. The best relationship is when both people are whole, both people have a heart full of love to give. I am the only one who can fill my empty cup, and I cannot fill up my partner's cup for him.
whats the point of being in a relationship if both of you are whole and happy. NONE. You get into a relationship because your missing something inside.
I’ve come to realize at 50 years old that my mother puts HER fears on to me. I am capable of being alone and actually feel incredibly empowered when I’m in this mode until she scares the shit out of me (provokes doubt) that I can’t stand on my own. I used to believe it until about 5 mins ago and I’m not going to beat the shit out of myself for “not standing in my truth”. Parents are supposed to be the wise and so it’s not my fault for believing her. Part of growth is realizing that even though your parents mean well their ways of thinking can be really dysfunctional. I am reminded of something I read called “well intentioned bad advice”. All of what I just wrote is for me. I’m not giving advice. I’m just working through my own shit. ❤️
Ludmor gaming, reading, lifting weights, learning a language/instrument. I did this for a couple of months after my last breakup and was pretty happy. I wish I would've done it longer before getting into another relationship.
i am happy alone but i also wish to have a partner everyone in my life puts me down, not important, someone else is always trying to sabatosh me as a person, i hear myself saying i hate people when i really dont, its not lonelyness, its wanting closeness, to be loved but not with a partner who doesnt want to be around me or cheat, i am always heart broken and never considered anything to anyone, lots of trying to ruin what i love and discard me not listening and i am always looked at as nothing and everyone else matters and they team up together while i do stand alone, i have healthy relationships with everyone i come in contact with but they have wrong motives, dont really care, discard me as valuable and dont understand me, i am different a empath, love to be alone, but a partner a lover and someone who loves me is so wanted in my core and its ok if i get what i asked for because if people cheat then i opt out anyway, still breaks me up daily and i just get fed up my whole life running from all the wrong people never seeing a right for me that would support and stand up for me beyond others, but others do that for each other i just cant be included in this realm of the world, they all back stab and support each other i am good seen as bad, what is bad is seen as good, and it makes no sense to me, so sick of it, now i seem to be so fed up with animals trying to have a nice house, my pitbulls ate a couch and i just depressed
Deep clean that slate/space!! Its your place to get centered.. Ive been emotionally alone with my own family, loved ones living in my home, but the influence of the narcissist parent/grandparent really came through the attitudes and actions. I tolerated it to be the other influence on a grandbaby, first three years of his life, hands on care, in spite of the intermittent but often unkindness from adults. Worth every second!! Ive been without a confidant for over a decade. People can make it worse Ive found. I am looking forward to cleaning my space..!!
We all deserve love, but we don't always get it. If you're empty and desperate for it, you forget that most people have love and operate from a place where they are fulfilled, while you're lacking. Basically, you're always the needy one, but they don't really need you - so you get hurt over, and over and over again until you learn to stop being scared of being alone. And then you become your own person - tbh, I like being alone now because I like myself. I might even love myself, and I am becoming more selective with how much of myself I give to other people. If you don't learn them, people will just take from you until there's nothing. Also, don't think that everyone who shows you a drop of kindness is your friend.
You are right if we can’t be alone, it is hard to ‘be with’ others… “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
This is very easy for me as the scapegoat, I've always been independent, I think since birth. I never felt apart of my family of origin. I went no contact after constant abuse and I'm so much happier now.
@@deanvo503 I’ve just started therapy and trying to make this year my healing year. It’s scary as I’m on my own (cut off fake friends and no family) but I’m trying. Thank you for asking. How are you? X
I have to say, everyone needs love. We are social animals, we need that connection. I do get what you are saying, though. We cannot put all our hopes in other people. We must be able to stand alone. Only when we love and accept ourselves will we attract people who are genuine.
"If you really want it, don't need it." Thank you, thank you, thank you. With these words you just changed my life. I know that I can now give myself permission to let go of the pressure I put on myself for the fifty years I've lived, get a life of my own and enjoy it to the fullest. Amazing, you are so right! 😊
“I wish I found this when I was young” “If you want it, you can’t have it” This video is what RUclips was meant for, thank you jerry wise for offering a place of healing, introspective and opportunity to anyone, free of charge and judgment! “A tool is only as good as its user”, but listening to you talking I can hear neither a tool nor a user, I can hear a human!
Thank you so much for watching I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also
Paradox of love and approval : if you need it you won’t get it, if you let it go, it will come to you, if you really want it then don’t need it. Practice big needing it do they it becomes internalized . Give up the neediness and mourn the need for love and approval. Standing alone is not the same thing as being alone.
Alone time with oneself is golden. I spend the majority of my time alone and have realized how creative I have become with my works of art. I have become creative in ways I never thought I could, I have even sold some of my art. I absolutely enjoy my freedom of independence. I approve my self and my art and other people seem to feel the same way. That is, aside from the envious narcissist whom I deleted from my life a year ago.
I have learned a long time ago that I need to get up from the table when love is no longer being served...I'm at the point where I love being alone, I've learned during a very hard time of isolation, that I'd rather be around ppl who are for me than against me ..I've learned to brush off negative ppl as fast as I can ask my self " is this person feeding my positive ".. I'm at a state where if ppl suck my energy I immediately become assertive and Express that I do not appreciate or want to play a part of their vicious cycle ...I move forward...I do so fast ...keeping my goals my number one priority... We learn as we grow ...good luck to you all keeping strong 🌸💜 and believing u can do it ..🌼
Ive been going on living without love for a loooong long time the most devastating experience is when you open up finally to someone who knows that....and they and up taking advantage of that and betray you and you realise you hurt yourself again ...by letting your guard down for a moment....its a vicious cycle...you wont trust anyone again
Gee I'm right with you. I've been backstabbed and when you're very kind people think you are a " Vic " or an easy mark. My brother ripped me off for 50k and destroyed my business after I trusted him and gave him a job. He got me busted for 2 felonies. I've had everything I owned stolen from me by people I trusted. Don't feel bad. Find your own high in life.
I am a senior and I've done a lot of work. I've read so many books, and spent countless hours in therapy. I can't get past "I am my dysfunction". I carry the burden of guilt for raising my now adult children dysfunctionally. I live alone now for the past five years. My children love me but avoid me. I still work and my approval seeking leads to constant interrupting, overreacting to situations and taking on more than I can deliver. I overshare, talk too much and have difficulty focusing on others when they are speaking or reading emails. I am not a bad person but I do have bad habits. I have too much STUFF. I know it is just filling the outside because of the emptiness inside. I know my disorganisation outside is simply reflecting my inner state. I have cut so many out of my life and I know I'm draining on those who do care for me. So draining, they avoid me. Especially now with COVID-19. I know I have to reparent myself but not knowing what a healthy parent is, how does one do that?
"Staying connected while being yourself", yes this makes sense. I either get absorbed in the other person (convincing them I'm good, teaching them something, etc.) or I sort of dissociate in order to be myself. I'm so glad this field has developed enough to help us make sense of it all! Thank you.
If I didn't need love and acceptance, I would be sleeping peacefully instead crying and watching this video. ! I hope I learn to stnd up alone soon. Wish me luck. I want be free and happy on my own.
So delighted to have found this. I'm married over 10 years to a man who doesn't give me approval or intimacy which I desire. I have left him many times but I always come back. I feel emotionally tortured by him because he gives me silent treatment & cold shoulder when he's stressed or unhappy with me. I can go on & on. This week I cried it out & dug deep & I decided to detach from needing him. I'm already feeling stronger!
You must make a plan to get away. You are wasting your time and life you can never get time back. I am in my seventies l did not know of all these mental disorders until a few months ago I have listened and learnt about them non stop, and realise I have been so rounded by these people all my life. We are kind loving people. Willing to help and cure them, it is no use. Get better cure yourself, listen to things or u tube, l have to say this man is one of the best. By the way l am on my own with no family at all am now left with one true friend, but living away from me. We talk on the phone. Gerry l am finishing what l started with your good advice. I am going to be brave and get a better life.
Kim Newis Your right. I have a plan that. I don't want to keep leaving & running back when times get hard & I feel lonely. Now that I understand his illness I'm ready to leave for good & live my best life.
"And still as birds were made to fly, humans were made to be loved. For a person to live unloved is like clipping a birds wings. You were made to fly not to stay on the ground. Don't be the bird to clip your own wings, spread em' and go get em'. No one ever said it would be easy 😊" -Papa
I've been working on myself and stopped reaching out to people who do not want to be around or plan to hang out. Stopped insisting on connections and sit alone finding my favorite things to do sing create find myself build boundaries heal the trauma etc . I started to feel so much better. More centered. What a great explanation!❤🙏 learning to accept myself and explore more my uniqueness.
This is so good! Adult child of an alcoholic family here, recently memories are coming to me like a flood. I asked the Lord to reveal to me all hidden memories in absolute truth. Definitely very abusive upbringing confirmed by my biological sister.. we may as well have been adopted to other loving parents. But great thing is ... i have a future and beautiful life to live, no longer a victim! ❤
I feel so lonely and I have depression these days. I don't know what to do. The most important problem of this situation is that I don't have any motivation even for living. Just during those times I was in a relationship I had motivation. I wish I could learn how to live without love and others.🥺
Be sure to check to see if you are clinically depressed. With a professional or your doctor. I would do some readings on Self Differentiation and maybe Margaret Paul's book INNER BONDING. Aaron Beck has a good book on "Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy". Hope this helps Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Love is like those stars in the sky you can only see if you look to the side of them. If you directly look for love, you won't find it. But if you focus elsewhere, it will find you. Family is who is loyal, not who is blood related.
2:03 thank you. This is what I needed to hear, I’m 21 now and I still mentally feel like a child, have bouts of heavy negative emotions. Anger sadness anxiety. I want to become a responsible person or find a way to live that I’m happy. But there are things I must fix within myself to be able to more easily find my groove
My prayers have been answered by sending me Jerry Wise. I am at a critical turning point in my life, and it's time to face myself. For the first time ever, I actually have some hope that I may be able to make some real, honest changes. I am waking up from all the denial, excuses, justifications etc that are ruining my life. Thank you Jerry Wise from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks for this. I've never been loved or loved another, but still want to be happy. Spending all my time alone has been hard for me, but I'm getting more comfortable with it. The thought that I'd be alone the rest of my life terrified me in the past, but now I'm alright with the thought of a life without others. Being alone isn't being lonely. I think I'll always wish I could have a good relationship, but I can now accept that I may never have that.
I’ve been single and not dated for I think 3-4 years now and I have finally overcome love addiction and am so incredibly happy to be alone. I do not require validation from anyone. I am here to say that it’s possible and once you get there I think you’ll be healthy for “the RIGHT one”.
''Intentionally grieve the loss of love and acceptance''. Wow. This is really speaking to me. I realised last year that if I were brave enough to do the things I'd like to do with somebody on my own, then I'd be much better placed to age alone....... I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I see myself through the lens of society's view of a single older woman. But I decided that if I'm not feeling lonely NOW and I'm only getting more resilient and more self-aware every year then I should assume that I will be able to deal with being on my own in the future as well.
The struggle I battle with is the desire to get the love and approval from those who I know I know I'm not going to get it! I find myself doing it less now that I know who/what I'm dealing with, but I still find myself slipping back into the old habits.
This attitude can make passive-agressive people act out extreme jealousy. Keep your feelers out and be aware that reaching a different level of self understanding can become less functional ppls challenge in a not nice way.
I seriously cannot believe he doesn’t mention that. It’s that wave that smacks you down. I’ve had bare acquaintances try to ruin my career and friendships just for being nonneedy around them. Especially when they have more power than you.
Hi, I am a woman who grew up in a dysfunctional home, my Father was an alcoholic and my Mother had issues of her own (I don't know where to start). I married a narcisist. I was always alone in our relationship, it took me years to recognize this. I joined a support group for people who like me were/had been married to or in a relationship with a narcissist. In this group I began my journey to recovery, I learned I'm not alone ... This video has given me more insight to heal the affected areas and believe in myself again. Thank you.
Hello Jerry. I just turned 50, and I recently made a complete separation from my narcissistic mother and her flying monkey husband. I have been working on healing myself for many, many, years and I am so grateful that I found your channel. The info you share is outstanding and definitely a missing link for me. I wish you loads of prosperity and wellness in 2018. Thanks so very much!
Rebecca, congratulations! I hope you will continue to do well in 2018. I'm glad you like my videos. Send me an email to my address and I will send you more resources jerrywise5@gmail.com Jerry
Rebecca Ann Sinkula: Mystic Angel Healing Rebecca, you are not alone. I have a narc family origin & it's the siblings that hurt the most that act the worst. For me, no contact is best. I am an authentic person so obviously I clash with people who are busy playing games & that's ok because when you make space available, by letting go of negative influences in your life, you make room to meet the right people. They just show up in your life. It's so nice to be around real people who don't have an agenda. Best wishes to you, be strong because it takes courage but it's worth it!
Rebeccca hi hope you are feeling better and you were able to heal. I wanted to recomen a book I read and I feel is really helpful to help you understand and to heal and is call the honey moon effect by Bruce Lipton and then after that there is another one call breaking the habit of been your self by DR Joe despenza :) if you get them hope you like them :)
I left a Narcissist in 2009. I have been alone since. When you make friends with yourself, you are never alone. Sit alone in the quiet, listen to the voices in your head, do not fear them and make peace with them. This won't happen over night. It took me years to achieve. Punch a pillow. Cry. Chop wood. Run. Get the negative out. Sitting in front of a fire alone did wonders for me. Nature is healing. God put Adam and Eve in a Garden for a reason.
This is so down-to-the-earth, so no-nonsense, really great information. Psychologists so often describe/show the problem, but this seem to be real solutions in here.
I know this comment is really late from when it was posted, but these facts are so true. I am scared of being alone, it's one of my biggest fears. I do exactly what you described, I seek company so I don't need to feel so lonely. I think you gave very good pointers on how I need to improve myself.
i love this new concept....i already tried everything else and wasted time and money...never worked but damaged me more..this is the way to become healthy mentally...the only way..!
I am 57 and have always suffered from my childhood situations..i really listened to this man, i think its time i considered myself and how i feel..Thanlyou Mr Wise
I've been learning about narcissistic abuse for about a month but I recognize I need to pick up my codependent recovery again. I was on the path at the beginning of our relationship and then got lost and let go.
As with all of life's journies they ultimately lead us back to ourselves,. Your advice empowers as it tells us that ultimately, with help, we are the solution to our problems. Thanks Jerry.
I had this issue about 6 years ago! Now after being single for almost 6 yrs I'm now the complete opposite. It's like things have flipped! I have no desire to seek out "any" relationships. Do I get lonely, "yes at times!" I remember how it felt to have someone to share life experiences with (which I miss that part of a relationship,) but now all I see when looking at potential single men to possibly date, I end up seeing them flying major "red flags," sky high! So I just stay alone, keep myself busy with my family, pets, online reselling & sourcing for reselling.
Absolutely amazing, tnk you. I am widowed since I was 44 I am 52 now..had a hard time even looking at people after my husband passing, I had to learn how to be alone and love myself not wait for my text in the morning telling me I am beautiful..life had changed me a lot I am still alone and I am not sure how to let samoan in .. Glad i came across your video 💜🙏
This is like breathing for the first time. I have a Narcissistic Mother, who I have always wished for that approval, she could never give. Only if I worked for it. But, it wasn't real. I moved to Germany, and experienced independence. I finally could depend on Me, to do me.
Wow, so many things you stated hit home with me. I've seen myself through some of these situations and feelings of neediness and seeking approval with family members that only made things worse for me as an adult.
LOL Isn’t that our problem that we have been able to go without love and support? But I did this for myself as a child. I don’t feel needy nor do I mind, I enjoy it. Aren’t we too independent? Maybe it depends on the individual. Who wants to be with another person like what we marinated in as a child? But yes we have all seen this scenario. But being healthy and standing alone doesn’t mean there’s going to be healthy relationships. It only means you will not engage in maintaining unhealthy relationships.
Thank you Mr. Wise. You communicated something so fearsome and somehow made it less so. And you spoke it from a place of knowing and hope. Just to hear my deepest secret unacknowledged belief/fantasy vocalized... Truth feels deeply uncomfortable before it sets you free. God bless you.
Agreed I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
As a son, I love my parents but there was a time when my father became very needy. Since he has authority over me, it became very annoying to talk to him because he would call me so much, criticize my decisions and make me feel uncomfortable. He was very upset and sad I would not call him every day like he wanted. Eventually he talked to a friend and he told him to stop calling me so much and being so controlling. It worked! I respect him much more when he is just a little selfish because I want him to be strong for himself and Mom. Also, people need time to miss you. And when they finally see or hear you again they don’t want to argue or be criticized. My humble advice for you is to write letters to your daughters but don’t send them. Your keep them. Work on becoming independent. Have fun and make new friends and stay busy. Pretend they live on a different planet and you can only send them letters. They may never come back but if they do they need to respect you. Focus on your habits and not your outcomes. That is what has worked for me. Life is a process not an outcome. You need to live the process. Outcomes are almost irrelevant. If you make them relevant you will suffer more than you need to. Life is a challenge, embrace it rather than lament it. You can do it!
Sounds like my life engagement in worried states and anxiety. I am ready for normal healthy relationships now! Thankyou. It’s just a case of “ you can do this in your own” another thing I try to do is treat myself as if I was another person taking care of myself and what would they do for the best decision for me lol.
Jerry, proud to say I've been clean for about 4-5 years, now. Coincidentally, I've been reflecting on the true nature of fear. Very complicated and broad subject. Still trying to figure it out. So far it's been very enlightening.
Life is funny, how being all alone and happy with it will bring true love, when you don’t need it the most it comes to you...such contradiction in life
You know the problem the only problem that this man has is he's completely leaving God out of the equation. You see if there was no God, if there was no outside force pulling the strings setting people up together then you could take the philosophy that if you leave your partner or remain single everything will eventually come to you like the man is saying this is not reality, go to the grocery store and look around look at all the single older women go to a nursing home look at all the single old women now remember there are more women than men typically anywhere other than China. Also remember this guy has to make money and just like a Prosperity preacher he's going to tell you a lot of positive very little negative, the reality is happiness in life is not guaranteed. Sometimes the people that come to you when you're not looking are definitely not what you wanted
Ever since I got ran over riding my tricycle when I was young, I have felt anxiety and depression. Trauma is really a horrible thing to deal with your whole life. Thanks for the knowledge Sir.
You are so welcome. thank you for watching “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
FINALLY someone that's real in explaining about what is happening in unhealthy relationships! I've been going to counseling for YEARS and no one could help me figure out what I was doing wrong, why I would find who I thought was a friend, end up being used, manipulated, and even abused break it off start over.... only to find EXACT same thing. Thank you soooo much for this! Will check out rest of your videos. 😀
FACESOFOMEGATHEDUCHESS QUEENOFSKINCARE - what is wrong with you?! Do you have a problem?? What is your problem?! Why don't You, respectably, leave normal people alone! You are rude. Anybody told you that?! Check your maners. Before you act and open your mouth. Hmm?? Or take a test on rudness as you are passing through. Take a course on being a Duchess. And behave like one. If that's not what you are, close yourself in a open public house where people learn and act legaly and learn maners of such needs and wants. Before you speak to public you should learn how to behave no? Otherwise you are just a criminal (being aware you are talking publicly?!) Take care All the best and long and happy life. And good luck!
Oh how wonderful....if you need it it won't come! Powerful! I have come to that place in my life at 70 yrs! Then I battle at times of the words of others that I am isolating myself! Maybe at this time but in time connection with others will come I know! TY! The Island analogy is wonderful too! We can come and go and others as well with the bridges, etc to that Island!
Just what I needed to hear today.....I already have an emotional backbone, but #2 & #3 I am struggling with. Thankyou, so much, you have given me something to work with. 💙
Jerry, I appreciate your videos so much and your calm demeanor. thank you so much for making these videos. I feel like if I ever got help my family would always hold it against me and use it to hurt me rather than help me. So I watch your videos with my headphones on and it makes me feel like maybe this isn't all my fault. thank you, you really gave me a light in a dark place.
willzer808 -- I think that a lot of people suffered terribly and raised children who suffered terribly, who raised children who suffered terribly, etc. -- until finally it was the late 19th century and help began to be available. What an amazing time we live in -- many drawbacks to the media+info age, but many pluses if we proceed with care.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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“I used to think that the worst thing was to end up alone. Now I realize the worst thing is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” Robin Williams
What an epiphany!!! Wow, so true. Thank u for sharing. 💖💖
A pastor used to say the only thing that is worse than being alone and wishing you were married is being married and wishing you weren't. I lived that. It is all consuming.
@@freedomtrailamerica2981 thank u for posting ...yes, been there too & it was the best decision i cud ever make...trapped in a cul de sac is trauma!!
True that 🙏
@@ckcares8067 wow.....this is exactly what I feel.....here goes the faucet im crying..........
I love being alone now. I can do horrible things like eating all the raisins out of the raisin bran and nobody yells at me.
I envy you
F8oK8 WHAAT: you ate ALL THE RAISINS !!??!! You terrible person !! (I wanted to eat all the raisins). Quick, run, walk, drive down to the grocery store, and buy some more raisin bran!! Tell you what - I'll just eat half the raisins, and we'll play catch (with our mouths) with the other half!! But, I want to make damn sure that I get more than half the remaining raisins. Be aware, I have already counted the raisins (in case you try something), and I will be counting the raisins I throw at you. BTW, do you also slice a banana on a bowl of raisin bran? YOU DON'T ??? Philistine.
@Simon Lu.
Just like your face.
Lol I love this. For me it's the bananas in a fruit salad.
Hahaha
Better to be alone then be abused by a person.
yes but this title is disturbing. why should you have to go without?
@@gigid9606 because you can’t reliably expect the world to give it to you. Even if you did get it, if you were not aware that you could go without it, you would be in constant fear. Living in fear often leads to self sabotaging behavior as well as pursuing things which may not be optimal for you in order to avoid what you fear.
When you are able to go without, you have a better perspective in which to pursue love and approval in ways in that are more likely to succeed as well as fulfill you.
Agreed
Its interesting to me you find this disturbing I have often wondered what people with fmily and friends thought of others who dont have that. Sometimes folks without anyone HAVE to go it alone, what else can ya do? You cant make people love ya or want to be your friend and you cant really choose your family, people are not like that, no one just opens their front door to you and says "Hi we are here for you if you need a friend or family. Friendships also take many years to form and develop and if you have been in spilt up or traumatised in your early years its hard to keep friendships because of physical circumstances like moving away and losing contact or it could be religious exclusion etc. People without normal connections who are not dead yet HAVE to go it alone there is no other option apart from death.
Im using this video to help me cope the devalue and discard phase from my narcissist partner. Its giving me hope and the strength to get out.
Having the ability to stand on your own, self-differentiation, and live without love or approval is the most empowering skill anyone can possess. It literally means freedom, forever. That is not to say that one should not enjoy love when love is healthy, but to be able to be JUST as happy with, or WITHOUT, love is true power. It's really the only power on this Earth, aside from love itself.
Castaway I love the way you put this message it makes since to me in so many ways!
Nailed it.
Amen
Amy Bogdan you say amen to this nonsense!!!!!! Humans are social creatures by nature. Being alone is never the way to go. You will fail miserably in the long run. Being alone causes, anger , negative thoughts, depression, anxiety and stress.
True, you can't have a healthy relationship, be it friendship or intimacy, until you are able to accept and love yourself first.
1. Intentionally grieve the loss of the lack of love and acceptance
2. Visualize being supported and strong by you and the earth. Be behind you, no matter what
3. What gives you pleasure
4. If you did not need the love of others, what would you be doing? You're not getting love anyway so what is the harm in giving up the obsession for it. What we fear is already happening to us.
5. Every man is an island but the healthy ones have bridges
“No man is an island but some are part of island chains.”
Hello. I am a 67 year old woman who had an alcoholic father and narcissistic mother. Of course I then went and married a covert narcissist. After 32 years of a dysfunctional relationship I am divorcing him. I find myself completely alone for the first time in my life and was getting used to it when I found this video. I have been working on recovery and your encouragement to stand alone has helped me so much at this point in my development. It's vital to love self first.
Congratulations on leaving after 32 years! That is amazing! You should be very proud of yourself. I wish you all the best.
I wish I had your courage, Linda! I think this video will help me a lot, to either stay or leave after 45 years of feeling very alone.
amjPeace you should consider hiring a coach or therapist that specializes in divorce recovery. It’s very difficult to leave a narc after so many years. You need and deserve support.
You got this. You're more powerful than you can imagine. Trust yourself. You're beyond capable of living your happiest, freest truest life.
amjPeace after you leave you won't be able to believe you didn't do it sooner. Do it. Do it. There is NEVER a reason to stay in a relationship that doesn't honour your HIGHEST good. You are beyond strong enough. Every belief you have that tells you otherwise is a LIE. Good luck
Indiscriminately seeking love or approval sets one up to being victimized by bullies!
This needs to be taught in schools. Kids have no idea and make the worst choices when they are young.
Yup it is rooted in my childhood. As a child who never had authentic connections with family and friends, I never felt worthy of healthy joyous relationships. So being alone to me is a reminder that I’m not worthy. Yes, I have grieve that The little girl inside of me never got the love she should have got
I can relate to this. Being alone is a reminder I’m not worthy. I relate being alone as rejection which I felt in my family of origin. I was never motivated to do things growing up and I struggle with this now and I’m 65.
Yes that is very well stated. That is exactly how I m feeling.
Get out there and meet new people, new friends, new connections.
It is through that you will heal.
Isolating yourself will not help you.
@@katherinealba6768 I agree! Healthy relationships is the key. Thank you
Never tell someone relatively new in your life Ithst you've been abandoned or lonely with no family. They could use your position against you. Thanks. Very very good advice. I've been going it alone for a few years now. I'm trying to get rid of approval addiction. Seriously, this is the single important video I've viewed lately. Thanks. Just subscribed!
Very true. I made this mistake recently and he used it to abuse me, as he knew there was no one in my court, that I could tell or turn to.
Natasha Rose My Narc aunt knew about me as a carer, with hardly any other financial nor family to support me n used it against me. Be careful even with relatives. She tried to isolate me further from getting emotional support from her husband who is my blood relative uncle. They don't STOP!
Yep, these vulnerable individuals are precisely the type of which cult members and grand mal scam artists look to lure in.
I totally agree with you. I met someone and suspected he might be a narc. I bragged to him that I have people who surround me and check on me all the time. That I am never alone. Plus I have a very strong connection with my source. He did not contact me again.
why not, if they use it against you, its a fast way of knowing they are shit and not worth your time.
I’d much rather be alone than to be surrounded by ppl who treat me like they can’t stand me
I am living without love or approval and that feels fine with me.
SAME!
without love and approval, meams We really give time to ourselves, begins to love ourselves
I am learning that my bouts of loneliness mean I'm not trapped and copping abuse and bad behaviour so think of it as not a bad thing. Buy myself a coffee. Get my hair done. Drive to the beach. Join a book club. Saving up to buy a dog and an apartment for myself. Loneliness easier to fix than being stuck in trauma brain damaged from years of emotional drama and gaslight about own real issues providing energy nothing in return. Take care on your journeys ❤
"Needy-ness will always result in being abandoned." Yes. The best relationship is when both people are whole, both people have a heart full of love to give. I am the only one who can fill my empty cup, and I cannot fill up my partner's cup for him.
whats the point of being in a relationship if both of you are whole and happy. NONE. You get into a relationship because your missing something inside.
@rmrmrm your so full of shit you stink!
@@realmaletearsaspatriarchys1351 i definitely wouldn't be making any noise with you, not with that face
@@gf6368 well please let us see your unusual face lol
@rmrmrm you really hate women's freedom but that's too bad asshole!
I’ve come to realize at 50 years old that my mother puts HER fears on to me. I am capable of being alone and actually feel incredibly empowered when I’m in this mode until she scares the shit out of me (provokes doubt) that I can’t stand on my own. I used to believe it until about 5 mins ago and I’m not going to beat the shit out of myself for “not standing in my truth”. Parents are supposed to be the wise and so it’s not my fault for believing her. Part of growth is realizing that even though your parents mean well their ways of thinking can be really dysfunctional. I am reminded of something I read called “well intentioned bad advice”.
All of what I just wrote is for me. I’m not giving advice. I’m just working through my own shit. ❤️
This spoke to me!
“Self differentiation is the key to connectedness”
This guy seems genuine. What he says makes sense, but most of all, I get a truly warm vibe from him.
Andrés Collinucci (:
"If everyone else left you and you were left alone what would you be doing?" Well, I'm deep-cleaning my room atm
Ludmor gaming, reading, lifting weights, learning a language/instrument. I did this for a couple of months after my last breakup and was pretty happy. I wish I would've done it longer before getting into another relationship.
i am happy alone but i also wish to have a partner everyone in my life puts me down, not important, someone else is always trying to sabatosh me as a person, i hear myself saying i hate people when i really dont, its not lonelyness, its wanting closeness, to be loved but not with a partner who doesnt want to be around me or cheat, i am always heart broken and never considered anything to anyone, lots of trying to ruin what i love and discard me not listening and i am always looked at as nothing and everyone else matters and they team up together while i do stand alone, i have healthy relationships with everyone i come in contact with but they have wrong motives, dont really care, discard me as valuable and dont understand me, i am different a empath, love to be alone, but a partner a lover and someone who loves me is so wanted in my core and its ok if i get what i asked for because if people cheat then i opt out anyway, still breaks me up daily and i just get fed up my whole life running from all the wrong people never seeing a right for me that would support and stand up for me beyond others, but others do that for each other i just cant be included in this realm of the world, they all back stab and support each other i am good seen as bad, what is bad is seen as good, and it makes no sense to me, so sick of it, now i seem to be so fed up with animals trying to have a nice house, my pitbulls ate a couch and i just depressed
Deep clean that slate/space!! Its your place to get centered.. Ive been emotionally alone with my own family, loved ones living in my home, but the influence of the narcissist parent/grandparent really came through the attitudes and actions. I tolerated it to be the other influence on a grandbaby, first three years of his life, hands on care, in spite of the intermittent but often unkindness from adults. Worth every second!! Ive been without a confidant for over a decade. People can make it worse Ive found. I am looking forward to cleaning my space..!!
I have no money and need a good job to survive.
I'm cleaning up as well :D
We all deserve love, but we don't always get it. If you're empty and desperate for it, you forget that most people have love and operate from a place where they are fulfilled, while you're lacking. Basically, you're always the needy one, but they don't really need you - so you get hurt over, and over and over again until you learn to stop being scared of being alone. And then you become your own person - tbh, I like being alone now because I like myself. I might even love myself, and I am becoming more selective with how much of myself I give to other people. If you don't learn them, people will just take from you until there's nothing. Also, don't think that everyone who shows you a drop of kindness is your friend.
You are right if we can’t be alone, it is hard to ‘be with’ others…
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Plain truth . Stop seeking approval when you know you won t get it. It s a bitter circle . We need self approval to get others ...
This is very easy for me as the scapegoat, I've always been independent, I think since birth. I never felt apart of my family of origin. I went no contact after constant abuse and I'm so much happier now.
I went no contact and I’m happy I did at 18 but 10 years on I feel isolated and have no one. 😭
@Cake Pudding how are you?
@@deanvo503 I’ve just started therapy and trying to make this year my healing year. It’s scary as I’m on my own (cut off fake friends and no family) but I’m trying.
Thank you for asking.
How are you? X
Living WITH love and approval from yourself - that is the best gift you can give to yourself at any age.
Exactly.
I need to make this video my nightly bedtime story.
Sarah A awesomeness isn't it :)
I have to say, everyone needs love.
We are social animals, we need that connection.
I do get what you are saying, though. We cannot put all our hopes in other people. We must be able to stand alone.
Only when we love and accept ourselves will we attract people who are genuine.
"If you really want it, don't need it." Thank you, thank you, thank you. With these words you just changed my life. I know that I can now give myself permission to let go of the pressure I put on myself for the fifty years I've lived, get a life of my own and enjoy it to the fullest. Amazing, you are so right! 😊
“I wish I found this when I was young”
“If you want it, you can’t have it”
This video is what RUclips was meant for, thank you jerry wise for offering a place of healing, introspective and opportunity to anyone, free of charge and judgment!
“A tool is only as good as its user”, but listening to you talking I can hear neither a tool nor a user, I can hear a human!
Thank you so much for watching
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my RUclips channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my RUclips channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information.
Also
Paradox of love and approval : if you need it you won’t get it, if you let it go, it will come to you, if you really want it then don’t need it. Practice big needing it do they it becomes internalized . Give up the neediness and mourn the need for love and approval. Standing alone is not the same thing as being alone.
Alone time with oneself is golden. I spend the majority of my time alone and have realized how creative I have become with my works of art. I have become creative in ways I never thought I could, I have even sold some of my art. I absolutely enjoy my freedom of independence. I approve my self and my art and other people seem to feel the same way. That is, aside from the envious narcissist whom I deleted from my life a year ago.
The most helpful epiphany I ever had was realizing that no one gives a shit about me.
this makes me laugh but there is such truth in it, and its such a brave thought that not many people would dare to entertain.xx
Very liberating.
People tend to only do something if there's something in it for them.
"If you are feeling lonely when you are alone, it shows that you are in a bad company" (Sartre)
I have learned a long time ago that I need to get up from the table when love is no longer being served...I'm at the point where I love being alone, I've learned during a very hard time of isolation, that I'd rather be around ppl who are for me than against me ..I've learned to brush off negative ppl as fast as I can ask my self " is this person feeding my positive "..
I'm at a state where if ppl suck my energy I immediately become assertive and Express that I do not appreciate or want to play a part of their vicious cycle ...I move forward...I do so fast ...keeping my goals my number one priority...
We learn as we grow ...good luck to you all keeping strong 🌸💜 and believing u can do it ..🌼
Ive been going on living without love for a loooong long time the most devastating experience is when you open up finally to someone who knows that....and they and up taking advantage of that and betray you and you realise you hurt yourself again ...by letting your guard down for a moment....its a vicious cycle...you wont trust anyone again
so true
let go a very long time ago - and nothing came along and probably never will
I learned to live without
Gee I'm right with you. I've been backstabbed and when you're very kind people think you are a " Vic " or an easy mark. My brother ripped me off for 50k and destroyed my business after I trusted him and gave him a job. He got me busted for 2 felonies. I've had everything I owned stolen from me by people I trusted. Don't feel bad. Find your own high in life.
Addiction to love and approval! Bingo!!!!! Wow no you tube clip has ever said that! So simple.
Elizabeth Taylor said after being treated in facility" love is sickness". I remembered it and only now I know what kind of sickness she meant.
I am a senior and I've done a lot of work. I've read so many books, and spent countless hours in therapy. I can't get past "I am my dysfunction". I carry the burden of guilt for raising my now adult children dysfunctionally. I live alone now for the past five years. My children love me but avoid me. I still work and my approval seeking leads to constant interrupting, overreacting to situations and taking on more than I can deliver. I overshare, talk too much and have difficulty focusing on others when they are speaking or reading emails. I am not a bad person but I do have bad habits. I have too much STUFF. I know it is just filling the outside because of the emptiness inside. I know my disorganisation outside is simply reflecting my inner state. I have cut so many out of my life and I know I'm draining on those who do care for me. So draining, they avoid me. Especially now with COVID-19. I know I have to reparent myself but not knowing what a healthy parent is, how does one do that?
"Staying connected while being yourself", yes this makes sense. I either get absorbed in the other person (convincing them I'm good, teaching them something, etc.) or I sort of dissociate in order to be myself. I'm so glad this field has developed enough to help us make sense of it all! Thank you.
Jerry I wish you could understand just how much healing and health you are bringing into this world. Stay blessed!
If I didn't need love and acceptance, I would be sleeping peacefully instead crying and watching this video. ! I hope I learn to stnd up alone soon. Wish me luck. I want be free and happy on my own.
So delighted to have found this. I'm married over 10 years to a man who doesn't give me approval or intimacy which I desire. I have left him many times but I always come back. I feel emotionally tortured by him because he gives me silent treatment & cold shoulder when he's stressed or unhappy with me. I can go on & on. This week I cried it out & dug deep & I decided to detach from needing him. I'm already feeling stronger!
Joy Ismine he sounds like a narcissist. I just divorced mine!
You must make a plan to get away. You are wasting your time and life you can never get time back. I am in my seventies l did not know of all these mental disorders until a few months ago I have listened and learnt about them non stop, and realise I have been so rounded by these people all my life. We are kind loving people. Willing to help and cure them, it is no use. Get better cure yourself, listen to things or u tube, l have to say this man is one of the best. By the way l am on my own with no family at all am now left with one true friend, but living away from me. We talk on the phone. Gerry l am finishing what l started with your good advice. I am going to be brave and get a better life.
Much love to you Joy xxxx
Kim Newis Your right. I have a plan that. I don't want to keep leaving & running back when times get hard & I feel lonely. Now that I understand his illness I'm ready to leave for good & live my best life.
Joy the loneliness will go do not fear it, sit with it, do what jerry is saying in the video, it will pass.
"And still as birds were made to fly, humans were made to be loved. For a person to live unloved is like clipping a birds wings. You were made to fly not to stay on the ground. Don't be the bird to clip your own wings, spread em' and go get em'. No one ever said it would be easy 😊" -Papa
I've been working on myself and stopped reaching out to people who do not want to be around or plan to hang out. Stopped insisting on connections and sit alone finding my favorite things to do sing create find myself build boundaries heal the trauma etc . I started to feel so much better. More centered. What a great explanation!❤🙏 learning to accept myself and explore more my uniqueness.
This is so good! Adult child of an alcoholic family here, recently memories are coming to me like a flood. I asked the Lord to reveal to me all hidden memories in absolute truth. Definitely very abusive upbringing confirmed by my biological sister.. we may as well have been adopted to other loving parents.
But great thing is ... i have a future and beautiful life to live, no longer a victim! ❤
I feel so lonely and I have depression these days. I don't know what to do. The most important problem of this situation is that I don't have any motivation even for living. Just during those times I was in a relationship I had motivation. I wish I could learn how to live without love and others.🥺
Be sure to check to see if you are clinically depressed.
With a professional or your doctor.
I would do some readings on Self Differentiation and maybe Margaret Paul's book INNER BONDING.
Aaron Beck has a good book on "Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy".
Hope this helps
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
Love is like those stars in the sky you can only see if you look to the side of them. If you directly look for love, you won't find it. But if you focus elsewhere, it will find you. Family is who is loyal, not who is blood related.
2:03 thank you. This is what I needed to hear, I’m 21 now and I still mentally feel like a child, have bouts of heavy negative emotions. Anger sadness anxiety. I want to become a responsible person or find a way to live that I’m happy. But there are things I must fix within myself to be able to more easily find my groove
Focusing within yourself is the only way. We’ll said
My prayers have been answered by sending me Jerry Wise. I am at a critical turning point in my life, and it's time to face myself. For the first time ever, I actually have some hope that I may be able to make some real, honest changes. I am waking up from all the denial, excuses, justifications etc that are ruining my life. Thank you Jerry Wise from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks for this. I've never been loved or loved another, but still want to be happy. Spending all my time alone has been hard for me, but I'm getting more comfortable with it. The thought that I'd be alone the rest of my life terrified me in the past, but now I'm alright with the thought of a life without others. Being alone isn't being lonely. I think I'll always wish I could have a good relationship, but I can now accept that I may never have that.
❤️
I’ve been single and not dated for I think 3-4 years now and I have finally overcome love addiction and am so incredibly happy to be alone. I do not require validation from anyone. I am here to say that it’s possible and once you get there I think you’ll be healthy for “the RIGHT one”.
I love being alone now but I sometimes think it's isolation.
The best relationship you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself
''Intentionally grieve the loss of love and acceptance''. Wow. This is really speaking to me. I realised last year that if I were brave enough to do the things I'd like to do with somebody on my own, then I'd be much better placed to age alone....... I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I see myself through the lens of society's view of a single older woman. But I decided that if I'm not feeling lonely NOW and I'm only getting more resilient and more self-aware every year then I should assume that I will be able to deal with being on my own in the future as well.
The struggle I battle with is the desire to get the love and approval from those who I know I know I'm not going to get it! I find myself doing it less now that I know who/what I'm dealing with, but I still find myself slipping back into the old habits.
Keep working at it Toni. Thanks for watching. Jerry
This attitude can make passive-agressive people act out extreme jealousy. Keep your feelers out and be aware that reaching a different level of self understanding can become less functional ppls challenge in a not nice way.
I seriously cannot believe he doesn’t mention that. It’s that wave that smacks you down. I’ve had bare acquaintances try to ruin my career and friendships just for being nonneedy around them. Especially when they have more power than you.
Hi, I am a woman who grew up in a dysfunctional home, my Father was an alcoholic and my Mother had issues of her own (I don't know where to start). I married a narcisist. I was always alone in our relationship, it took me years to recognize this. I joined a support group for people who like me were/had been married to or in a relationship with a narcissist. In this group I began my journey to recovery, I learned I'm not alone ... This video has given me more insight to heal the affected areas and believe in myself again. Thank you.
Hello Jerry. I just turned 50, and I recently made a complete separation from my narcissistic mother and her flying monkey husband. I have been working on healing myself for many, many, years and I am so grateful that I found your channel. The info you share is outstanding and definitely a missing link for me. I wish you loads of prosperity and wellness in 2018. Thanks so very much!
Rebecca, congratulations! I hope you will continue to do well in 2018. I'm glad you like my videos. Send me an email to my address and I will send you more resources jerrywise5@gmail.com Jerry
Rebecca Ann Sinkula: Mystic Angel Healing Rebecca, you are not alone. I have a narc family origin & it's the siblings that hurt the most that act the worst. For me, no contact is best. I am an authentic person so obviously I clash with people who are busy playing games & that's ok because when you make space available, by letting go of negative influences in your life, you make room to meet the right people. They just show up in your life. It's so nice to be around real people who don't have an agenda. Best wishes to you, be strong because it takes courage but it's worth it!
Cynthia, I agree. Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Blessings. x.
Rebeccca hi hope you are feeling better and you were able to heal. I wanted to recomen a book I read and I feel is really helpful to help you understand and to heal and is call the honey moon effect by Bruce Lipton and then after that there is another one call breaking the habit of been your self by DR Joe despenza :) if you get them hope you like them :)
Yes. This video is the answer to my prayers.
I left a Narcissist in 2009. I have been alone since.
When you make friends with yourself, you are never alone. Sit alone in the quiet, listen to the voices in your head, do not fear them and make peace with them. This won't happen over night. It took me years to achieve. Punch a pillow. Cry. Chop wood. Run. Get the negative out. Sitting in front of a fire alone did wonders for me. Nature is healing. God put Adam and Eve in a Garden for a reason.
I am recovering and learning to go without love or approval. Thank you for this video
You may have just changed my life. This is what I’ve been needing.
This is so down-to-the-earth, so no-nonsense, really great information. Psychologists so often describe/show the problem, but this seem to be real solutions in here.
A child reacts- an adult responds.
I know this comment is really late from when it was posted, but these facts are so true. I am scared of being alone, it's one of my biggest fears. I do exactly what you described, I seek company so I don't need to feel so lonely. I think you gave very good pointers on how I need to improve myself.
i love this new concept....i already tried everything else and wasted time and money...never worked but damaged me more..this is the way to become healthy mentally...the only way..!
I love being alone , I can actually be the real me .
Jerry, I just think you're simply awesome! You explain things so succinctly and matter-of-factly that I can listen to your for hours!
Thank you Suzana You are very kind. I will be posting three new videos today. Thanks for watching I hope you will subscribe to my channel. Jerry
I am 57 and have always suffered from my childhood situations..i really listened to this man, i think its time i considered myself and how i feel..Thanlyou Mr Wise
I've been learning about narcissistic abuse for about a month but I recognize I need to pick up my codependent recovery again. I was on the path at the beginning of our relationship and then got lost and let go.
As with all of life's journies they ultimately lead us back to ourselves,. Your advice empowers as it tells us that ultimately, with help, we are the solution to our problems. Thanks Jerry.
I had this issue about 6 years ago! Now after being single for almost 6 yrs I'm now the complete opposite. It's like things have flipped! I have no desire to seek out "any" relationships. Do I get lonely, "yes at times!" I remember how it felt to have someone to share life experiences with (which I miss that part of a relationship,) but now all I see when looking at potential single men to possibly date, I end up seeing them flying major "red flags," sky high! So I just stay alone, keep myself busy with my family, pets, online reselling & sourcing for reselling.
Thank you for these insights- I can see how important it is to do our “me” work- it’s an inside job
Absolutely amazing, tnk you.
I am widowed since I was 44 I am 52 now..had a hard time even looking at people after my husband passing, I had to learn how to be alone and love myself not wait for my text in the morning telling me I am beautiful..life had changed me a lot I am still alone and I am not sure how to let samoan in ..
Glad i came across your video 💜🙏
This is like breathing for the first time. I have a Narcissistic Mother, who I have always wished for that approval, she could never give. Only if I worked for it. But, it wasn't real. I moved to Germany, and experienced independence. I finally could depend on Me, to do me.
Wow, so many things you stated hit home with me. I've seen myself through some of these situations and feelings of neediness and seeking approval with family members that only made things worse for me as an adult.
That's a great point....we're already alone...so we''re living without it anyway....so embrace it without the frustration.
LOL Isn’t that our problem that we have been able to go without love and support?
But I did this for myself as a child. I don’t feel needy nor do I mind, I enjoy it. Aren’t we too independent? Maybe it depends on the individual. Who wants to be with another person like what we marinated in as a child? But yes we have all seen this scenario. But being healthy and standing alone doesn’t mean there’s going to be healthy relationships. It only means you will not engage in maintaining unhealthy relationships.
well said
Thank you !! Been saying that for ages...
This is so true, coming from a foster child. It's like catching a butterfly we never want to lose, we hold it so tightly, we crush it.
Thank you Mr. Wise. You communicated something so fearsome and somehow made it less so. And you spoke it from a place of knowing and hope. Just to hear my deepest secret unacknowledged belief/fantasy vocalized... Truth feels deeply uncomfortable before it sets you free.
God bless you.
Raising your body vibration is essential to self awareness / actualization and differentiation.
Agreed
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
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As a son, I love my parents but there was a time when my father became very needy. Since he has authority over me, it became very annoying to talk to him because he would call me so much, criticize my decisions and make me feel uncomfortable. He was very upset and sad I would not call him every day like he wanted. Eventually he talked to a friend and he told him to stop calling me so much and being so controlling. It worked! I respect him much more when he is just a little selfish because I want him to be strong for himself and Mom. Also, people need time to miss you. And when they finally see or hear you again they don’t want to argue or be criticized.
My humble advice for you is to write letters to your daughters but don’t send them. Your keep them. Work on becoming independent. Have fun and make new friends and stay busy. Pretend they live on a different planet and you can only send them letters. They may never come back but if they do they need to respect you. Focus on your habits and not your outcomes. That is what has worked for me. Life is a process not an outcome. You need to live the process. Outcomes are almost irrelevant. If you make them relevant you will suffer more than you need to. Life is a challenge, embrace it rather than lament it. You can do it!
Sounds like my life engagement in worried states and anxiety. I am ready for normal healthy relationships now! Thankyou. It’s just a case of “ you can do this in your own” another thing I try to do is treat myself as if I was another person taking care of myself and what would they do for the best decision for me lol.
Claire Crawford That’s good advice!!!
Claire Crawford, you deserve good things in life 🙏🤙.
Jerry, proud to say I've been clean for about 4-5 years, now. Coincidentally, I've been reflecting on the true nature of fear. Very complicated and broad subject. Still trying to figure it out. So far it's been very enlightening.
If I’m behind me - that’s lovely, thank you 🙏 😊🌸
I like this guy and what he is teaching! Jerry Wise? More like Very Wise :)
Thank you..I understand my lonelyness better now.
Life is funny, how being all alone and happy with it will bring true love, when you don’t need it the most it comes to you...such contradiction in life
You know the problem the only problem that this man has is he's completely leaving God out of the equation. You see if there was no God, if there was no outside force pulling the strings setting people up together then you could take the philosophy that if you leave your partner or remain single everything will eventually come to you like the man is saying this is not reality, go to the grocery store and look around look at all the single older women go to a nursing home look at all the single old women now remember there are more women than men typically anywhere other than China. Also remember this guy has to make money and just like a Prosperity preacher he's going to tell you a lot of positive very little negative, the reality is happiness in life is not guaranteed. Sometimes the people that come to you when you're not looking are definitely not what you wanted
Love and things come to you when you don’t expect it
Ever since I got ran over riding my tricycle when I was young, I have felt anxiety and depression. Trauma is really a horrible thing to deal with your whole life. Thanks for the knowledge Sir.
You are so welcome.
thank you for watching
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
FINALLY someone that's real in explaining about what is happening in unhealthy relationships! I've been going to counseling for YEARS and no one could help me figure out what I was doing wrong, why I would find who I thought was a friend, end up being used, manipulated, and even abused break it off start over.... only to find EXACT same thing. Thank you soooo much for this! Will check out rest of your videos. 😀
Jerry, you have so much love to give to your fellow beings. Love received here, with blessings.
It must be lovely to work with you, you have a really nice manner.
Roosevelt thank u
Well let's do it, lol contact me at jerrywise5@gmail.com or find me on my website Jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
FACESOFOMEGATHEDUCHESS QUEENOFSKINCARE - what is wrong with you?! Do you have a problem?? What is your problem?! Why don't You, respectably, leave normal people alone! You are rude.
Anybody told you that?!
Check your maners. Before you act and open your mouth. Hmm??
Or take a test on rudness as you are passing through.
Take a course on being a Duchess. And behave like one.
If that's not what you are, close yourself in a open public house where people learn and act legaly and learn maners of such needs and wants.
Before you speak to public you should learn how to behave no?
Otherwise you are just a criminal (being aware you are talking publicly?!)
Take care
All the best and long and happy life. And good luck!
Antonija Juric what the heck are you saying???
very wise.....jerry wise
Oh how wonderful....if you need it it won't come! Powerful! I have come to that place in my life at 70 yrs! Then I battle at times of the words of others that I am isolating myself! Maybe at this time but in time connection with others will come I know! TY! The Island analogy is wonderful too! We can come and go and others as well with the bridges, etc to that Island!
I am so grateful I found this channel. Thank you so much.
Just what I needed to hear today.....I already have an emotional backbone, but #2 & #3 I am struggling with.
Thankyou, so much, you have given me something to work with. 💙
Emotional backbone. I like that! Thank you Jerry for this video!
Your are very welcome, thanks for being part of the community ❤️😊
Jerry, I appreciate your videos so much and your calm demeanor. thank you so much for making these videos. I feel like if I ever got help my family would always hold it against me and use it to hurt me rather than help me. So I watch your videos with my headphones on and it makes me feel like maybe this isn't all my fault. thank you, you really gave me a light in a dark place.
Yoshinaka I'm glad you have this resource, I wonder how people got through these situations with no objective advise at all available to them
willzer808 -- I think that a lot of people suffered terribly and raised children who suffered terribly, who raised children who suffered terribly, etc. -- until finally it was the late 19th century and help began to be available. What an amazing time we live in -- many drawbacks to the media+info age, but many pluses if we proceed with care.
this is the wisdom the world needs to see
Thank you for this video! I was at the end of my rope not knowing what to do with rejection and loneliness, and this gives me hope.
This video is phenomenal. Staying connected while being ourselves. That especially blew my mind. Thank you for these videos!
I just started watching your videos. There are many “inner healing” videos on RUclips but yours make so much sense to me...