I'm sorry to hear that! I also didn't learn much from my own mother apart from the fact as a person having experienced being abandoned and discarded for many years I will never put any man in front of my own child
@@mariagulraizekhan it's a daily struggle but I'm not defined by it. Saying I'll get there. I'm worth something is vital. Just keep getting up and struggling on.....
Narc parents don't care about the child's actual progress, emotions etc., they only care about the child following their demands, and maintaining their image as the best parent.
How many times did I rub her feet? And even when she tried to fake hug me, she wouldn't put her hands on me just kind of droop her arms lightly around me, it was very strange. And I do Not remember ever being hugged by my father. Infested with head lice while she had weekly visits to the beauty salon. And we were in poverty.
That's THE thing:when someone forces you to do something out of fear of reprisals he actually forces you to lie and cheat on him.Whatever you do, its not an honest desision of yours.And these tyrants know it,they know people pretend, but they can't stop.They want people to be loyal to them but suffer, bc they can't obtain their loyalty except by force.They are pathetic, at the end they understand the loyalty is fake and suffer.Their whole life.
Narcissistic parents want complete obedience. You will only receive acceptance if you do and be what they want. I felt like a slave in my narcissistic family. Walking on eggshells for decades. I finally went no contact. Abusive family systems don't change. They want conformity only. Individuals will be punished or discarded if they don't comply.
Wow! You literally just described my lived experience. I'm no contact for 1.5 years now and although it hurts to not have your family or origin with you through the good and bad times, it's such a relief to be able to just live and make independent, non-judged, decisions. It's truly liberating and I feel far healthier.
@@anntrope491 Honestly for me personally...I typically throw flying 🐒 s into the same dumpster 🔥 as the narc because they're oftentimes toxic in their own ways as well🙄. Usually in family systems involving narcs...Typically each family member plays their own unhealthy role in the system unless they end up going no-contact of course🤔.A narc will not only show you who they are... They'll also show you who the people AROUND them are too whether it's good or bad.
Yup, same. I remember the first time i told her that.... She actually she stayed quiet and I think made some sort of comment but it was weird.... Like she knew she fucked up and couldn't say anything to it.
@@snowflakemelter5868 Me too - father. I was really old when I had my son, because I was frightened that I'd end up parenting like my father - and why have a child if all you're going to do is hit, insult and shout orders? But I didn't do any of those things with mine, and he's so much nicer than I ever was, as well as more successful. A few years ago, long after both parents were dead, I was talking to my brother's wife, and the penny dropped: my mother was playing us off against each other. She also did some appalling things to keep her son close to her, and dependent on her to look after himself.
@Lesley Vivien Another similarity, I didn't become a Dad until I was 50, and I kept putting it off for the same kind of reasons as yourself. As it happens, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. My father taught me how NOT to be a Dad.
What the child of a narcissistic parent truly is, is an unwanted orphan. They're incapable of love, or caring, or compassion. They don't love you: they tolerate you. Once I learned this, it was painful and saddening, but ultimately set me free.
Heavy on the “they don’t love you: they tolerate you” !! My mom always talked about how i was “hard to like” and how she couldn’t wait for me to graduate and move out of the house. it was sick. The love was conditional if it was even there.
This is exactly how I feel now I know they're never going to have a normal adult conversation with me and now that I know my mum is narc as well as my dad and sister. I feel like I am an orphan. If I wasn't autistic I would have seen the truth 20 years ago. 😔
@@annking8633 I'm waiting for both of mine to die. I think that kind of evil lives forever. If I shed any tears, they'll be happy ones. If I attend their funerals, it'll be to spit on their corpses and dance on their graves.
The worst part for me is the fact that they will never apologize and never feel remorse, no matter what I try to say or do. They'll always just think I was crazy and they were right. They still have my little brothers on their side and they all think I was just the failure of the family. Even though I graduated high school, have a stable job, and my own apartment with the love of my life. It won't ever be enough.
It's "enough" for you. Living a successful life is the "enough" that will drive them crazy; you don't even have to do anything different. Just keep being successful and you'll make them nuts even though they won't show it. It's a win for you, you get a great life and the na-na-boo-boo, in your face, answer to their narcissism you are looking for. My counselor told me this, I didn't think of it on my own.
It will NEVER be enough. The truth is, they are afraid of you being great. They want you SMALL so they can be “smart” and “wise” parents as long as possible. Pluck them. Make them respect you. Work hard for YOU. Don’t let them bring you down for ONE second. Be greater. Be the best.
You owe me My way or the highway Control Double Standards Jealousy Contempt Sadistic Pyschotic Hate Selfish Manipulation Gaslighting Punishment I'm sure there's more I've forgotten to mention
Oh yeah the my way or the highway. As a kid I thought I was being very grown up and respectful and thought my mom would be impressed. I had a toy typewriter and wrote a little letter asking my mom (iw was probably around 7) if I could be allowed to choose some of my own clothes. She read it looked at me with contempt and disdain and simply said NO. It felt like ice ✌
#1 on the list has to be “conditional love”. You want love you better feed the parent what they want, when they want it, how they want it etc. Of course there is no actual love with a narc, as narcs only love themselves.
Great point...the only thing I'd add is that it's actually their false-self that they really love,they only like the fake characters that they pretend to be to cover up the very damaged nasty underdeveloped thing that quietly lurks where a actual real fleshed-out personality was supposed to develop😬.I'm not saying this to feel sorry for the adult narc of course,I only feel sorry for the innocent little kids they once were...But it sure is a wretched unsettling thing that really lives behind the 🎭 ultimately🥶.
If the school knew, about the parents, hell is out plus kids can get talked into stories, asking a kid to tell on a parent, but yea man ,my mom, my dad, what a trip, poor, dum, whore, screaming nut, im glad us kids, have a little insight, i seen my narcissist sister be off base first born kid ,mom and dad what had the traits, i seen full blown in my sister, yeap a bunch of poor kids, mom and dad, we had it all, live in girlfriend, surviving life, seeing the disfunction, the environment, dad what putting first born ,be a good smart kid, your mom never had a mom, noone had school, being young full of cum, surviving having habits, the insight of a child will work, yea buddy im sorry, its rough, the why, have not watched yet, my mom my dad, there dum faults, yea ,break down, 60 years later, cause my fellow human needs to be fed to the dogs, no way, suffer, my Doctor truth is suffering, i didnt go through dum cramp, to be against a retard, mom,dad, did there best, i made my choice to be a human, the off base person, is my blood. ,what warn the kids, they can become, off base, hec some one dont need to spread hate, things suck, i suck, i hate, what a sick0, a child mind troubled human, please help me. ,well i guess hey let the child learn life, they see ugly in the conflict of the world, but man i guess some folks can eat dog, my Doctor does not need me to think bad thoughts, rewind the past, im sorry, i learn this word , they kill humans, the narcissist, im off base, im one person, ok tell the children, not to be off base, look at my dum family, the ugly, the dum, the retard whore, im a full blown drug head, help me save someone to see ,watch your mistakes, on and on, the normal will out weighed the off base, your it Doctor Carter
Lots of truth in this list. Another one, the narcissist parent can't stand their child's happiness-they see it as a threat to their inflated sense of superiority. The slightest expression of joy, and down comes the shame hammer. It can make it a real challenge to allow oneself to have fun, or even smile.
oh my, that's right. now I recall my mother resenting it if I was having a good time as a kid. And the addendum to this is, if they catch you excelling at anything they reach for the wet blanket to throw over it. lucky my dad was the opposite.
@@davidoltmans2725 Yeah, the reasoning was that they did not want us to get a big head about our successes. They are so compassionate looking out for us.
Mom was always so disgusted and exasperated with my not being like her. How many times I heard her say, " You just always have to be different, don't you!". I quickly learned to hide my true self from her.
Or, "WHAT WILL OTHERS THINK?" Or, "YOU WILL BEHAVE!!! DON'T YOU EMBARASS ME!!! YOU'RE NOT GOING DRESSED LIKE THAT!!!" etc., etc., etc. I don't recall one instance of my mother talking nicely to me, hugging me, or telling me that she loves me. If she wasn't being all the above, then it was complete silence as I was not worthy of a conversation. If I ever came into contact with her, it was a hair brush broken over my head, a fly swatter to the face, being jerked around by my ponytail, an open-handed slap to the face for not answering a question fast enough or because she believed I was lieing, or a wooden clothes hanger broken on my rear end, etc....yep. My mother, the human woodchipper!
I heard how I was like my Aunt and she didn't say it like a compliment. My mother was jealous of her sister. As a teenager / adult, I thanked her. She informed me it wasn't a compliment. I pointed out my Aunt was strong, independent, a voracious reader, loved animals, got her pilots license and flew for the Civil Air Patrol during WWII. How could it not be a compliment?
I noticed narcissistic parents or one of the parents always have weird rules for their kids to follow that no one else does or is very uncommon. Some of these parents also seem overprotective or very strict. Often these rules or ideas don’t benefit the kids in anyway. There’s no real life lesson or common sense to these rules.
They do make sense. Narcissitic parents are authoritarian. The narcissist parents have these rules to oppress and rule over their kids. They are just power plays so they can rule over their kids and feel powerful. People like to think these rules are just to protect the kids or make sure they are alright, but really the narcissist could not care less about the kid. The narcissist parent has the same mentality of a jail warden or even a torturer imprisoning an inmate.
I agree. Or they’ll randomly make up a weird rule and say “you should’ve known that” or “I TOLD you that you couldn’t…” Yet they had never made that rule before. They just want that feeling of superiority and control.
Bingo. Weird how universal these characteristics can be. As if they all read from the same book. My life started when I stopped asking my narcissistic mother permission (as an adult) to do things, and instead TOLD her what I'm going to do. I grew exponentially since then. I don't fear everything anymore. She instilled so much fear into me that I couldn't even pay for things at a cash register because I didn't want to talk to someone.
"She instilled so much fear into me that I couldn't even pay for things at a cash register because I didn't want to talk to someone." Yeah, this is me. I don't mind talking to cashiers and being open/friendly, but it's just the situations that I cannot control and shit those goes on that fucks me up. I'm not allowed to say "no" for frear of me doing something and being the problem, even if someone is stepping over a boundary or whatever.
@@AlvinKazu The fear of being blamed for something that is out of your control is definitely a trademark of being a scapegoat. The parent needs someone to blame because they sure the hell won't consider themselves at fault. Ever since I've stopped agreeing and going along with whatever my mother said, I'm the main target. Literally get blamed for everything and anything. She calls me a guest in her/my little brother's house despite me paying $500+ rent for an unfinished attic space, house supplies and food. I've lived with and taken care of her needs most of my life and I'm a guest to her. That's what happens when you start telling them no. You are seen as nothing more than a tool. But it has been freeing despite the backlash. I stopped fearing the word "no" because I know I'm doing nothing wrong and the more she pushes me, the more I pull. Nothing will be good enough for them. Even if you go along, they will find something to blame you for. Your boundaries are seen as a betrayal to them. They think they are your god simply because they conceived you and "provided" for you, and you owe them your life. The only thing you can control in your life is your own actions and emotions. The rest that goes on around you will always be a gamble.
@@FatFrogChonk some of my moms favorite lines were “I gave you life & I can take it away” and “you will do this because I’m your mother & I say so” … she always had a thing with control. She also made us go to our rooms to cry if we were sad or hurt and not come out till we were done crying. Heartless. It broke my heart to see my 3 year old sister sitting in her room crying alone on her bed. We were not raised with love at all
i am so sad looking back on my little child self. How any child could deserve to be beat with a belt or switch is beyond ignorant and still people will defend this and call it discipline. It taught me to be invisible. It taught me not to voice my needs or wants. I think a lot of abused woman and men come from homes where they were told they deserved to be hit .
I asked one day what my daily beating were for after being badly hit. To make me tough she said. She has beat me to within an breath of suffocation and death and never once apologized for it ever, her wealthy parents who did not believe in mental health shielded all her evil deeds. There are truly monsters in the closet.
My mother beat me with a belt numerous times when I was 8-12 years old. To this day (I’m 70) I can’t remember what I had done to be beaten. I was not a bad child who acted out. Just didn’t understand why my mother was so mean. One time when I was 26 I left and moved to Hawaii to get away from her. I had spoken to my dad on the phone and I finally asked him why I was treated so poorly. He admitted that he thought that my mom was a bit too strict. But, in real life he did nothing to save me . I couldn’t even speak. I was so glad to be away from her. I’m thankful that my mom and dad are both gone. Now I’m going through a divorce from a covert narcissist. 28 years married. I was so used to being in that environment. And NOW I’m finally realizing what my mother and stbx husband were. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time.😢. I wish I had known about narcissistic behavior before. But, I’m determined to heal to the best of my ability in what time I have left on this planet! Thank you, Dr Les!❤
I read some notes by a spirit guide. She was human for centuries and graduated, no longer needed to be human. She said the angels truly cry when they see a child being beaten.
@@pamsee9548 you did nothing, she was aggressive and unhinged. Unfortunately, nobody needs a licence to have kids so many violent and unstable people traumatise their kids.
My story is similar to yours. I left at 25. Moved to the USA and never went back to this day. I keep in touch with my 2 sisters. Both my parents are dead and never received one single apology from them. Neither I expected them too. I made a new life with people that showed me love and respect. It has taken a long time to heal but thanks God i am fine.
My dad is a narc and he won't be challenged, when I was 9, he smashed me in the face for what he described as breathing wrong, he then broke my arm and so on and so on. I'm 55 he is 80+, but even today, he will not own anything he does and he is still incredibly physically fit and uses the threat of physical violence and phycological manipulation to achieve his goals. He has no emotional intelligence, I once asked him, where's your empathy, he said "I don't really do that". He spread his narc behaviour to my brothers and they became his flying monkeys, who still do everything they can to try and keep in with him, it's sad to watch, neither of them have worked him out. His new wife is a mouse, who won't say a word out of place, I can see the fear in her, she also knows exactly what will be heading her way (in private), if she steps out of line, even an inch. The LESSON IS, THEY DON'T CHANGE. Everything is conditional with them, everything is done with them at the centre of the equation in some way, it's always about how what they do, benefits them or how something they do makes them look to others. It's usually only in private, that their true nature is revealed, which is why they like to surround themselves with controllable flying monkeys. I just keep them all at arms length, I stay polite and never share anything, just talk about the weather :) Thanks for this vid, your analysis is spot on.
Well my mother, now deceased, was 15 for 15 with this list. I figured so much. But some of the stuff you said Dr. C was word for word! I even dropped my phone at one point! Yes, my mothers favorite line was “I demand respect! I AM YOUR MOTHER!” with no thought of ever giving respect back in any way, shape or form! Me and my brother walked on eggshells on a daily basis. Sad as it is to say, I am so glad she is no longer on this earth!
Yes My Moms favorite thing to say was “ You May not love ❤️ Me , but You will Respect Me “ sad to say I don’t do either one , She’s 85 and I Hate the Demons that Reside within Her ! She is a poor excuse for a Human 🙄
Yeah, just like my mom. Worthless old hags with nothing left in life and ever accomplished anything. They abuse YOU because society never thought they were ever that great. Silly women.
I always thought that my mother was my only narcissistic parent and that my father was just neglectful, but now I realize that my father is also a narcissist. It was hell growing up with them. I thank God everyday for my husband. It's taken him 13 years but he has helped me heal so much
After decades of family gaslighting, "Your mother loves you, really, she just doesn't think," "She's had so many challenges," etc, etc, it is SO good to have Dr C speaking the truth! And Team Healthy who understand too! Thanks everyone!
"Your mother loves you... She just gives "tough love." Tough love, you mean abuse? Tough love isn't telling your FIRSTBORN child that the day he was born (using actual dates i.e., September 15th, 1987[not my real birthday, just an example]), is the worst day of your life. "Your mother just had a bad childhood." So it's okay to abuse me and ruin mine?
@@AlvinKazu I found the book Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward helpful. Every child is worth loving, even if the parents didn't love them. It's hard to forget their nasty words, but they're not worth remembering.
@@michelepascoe6068 The words aren't worth remembering, but the pain is still remembered, even though we don't want to remember it. "The Ax forgets but the tree always remembers." A mother who cannot love is a sick and twisted Demon. It brings me to tears sometimes these days when I see shows and people where the mother is loving and caring, where she wants to be there for her child. I remember reading a comic (I'm into Anime/Manga type stuff, Asian Works), and I just remember one of the mothers being there for her son, telling him it's okay and bringing him into her embrace and being there for him. I never had that. It was always yelling, screaming, shouting... My mother was NEVER warm, never comforting.
@@AlvinKazu I'm sorry. It's so hard. Society assumes that all mothers love their children, but some don't have love in their hearts or minds. The book I mentioned above tells of 5 types of mothers who can't love, and helps one process the relationship and how to move on. I found it at a library. I tried to win my mother's love until she died and she left 2 rejection messages for me to hear from others after her death. She alienated 3 husbands from their children and tried to turn mine against me and my husband by slander. I was afraid of her and had nightmares and day frights about her for months after she died. But I have been learning to calm my emotions (Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated to download and a daily practice to help). I learned about narcissistic abuse and how to manage it better. I let go of all my relatives who believed my mother's lies (nearly all) and learned not to JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining). Dr Carter's video Calm Confidence so helpful. I am living a new life without bullies and wish I'd learned sooner, but so thankful I finally had answers to my life's big question "Why?!" I hope you can find friends who reciprocate love and kindness, and practice self care and self compassion and know that it's not your fault that your mother treats you badly. You can't change her mind or behaviour. Peace and courage to you. I also learned that the God of the Bible, Jesus/Yeshua, loves me and His loves helped me let go of resentment about the abuse and be free of bitterness. He knows everything that happened and deeply cares about you. You are loved by Him and you can talk to Him and get to know Him as a loving Father who will never leave you or let you down.
@@AlvinKazuJust two days ago, I woke up because of a heat wave, with a dry mouth and a lot of anxiety (I don’t tolerate heat too well). I started having trouble breathing and having sort of an anxiety attack. My mom heard me and woke up. She inmediately started complaining that she had to wake up early for work the next morning, and what the fuck was wrong with me. All this said very violently. Gets up to look for me. I was trying to spray water on myself to chill and calm down. Screams at me what the fuck is wrong with me. What the fuck is the problem, why the fuck do I have to wake her up. My dad wakes up from the noise. Gets up, looks for us. Smashes the lightswitch on. Both stare at me, mad, making disappointed sounds, talking to each other about what the fuck am I doing, what is wrong with me. They talk about me like I’m not even there, calling me names. They stare from a distance while I have a panic attack until they decide they’ve bullied me enough, then just go back to sleep and leave me crying on my own. My whole life has been like this. Next day they tell my older sister about it on the phone. I hear them talk about me once again behind my back, about me being fat and having trouble with heat, about me not having a normal life, etc. My sister sent me a text message telling me to grow up and stop giving them trouble. Also told them so cut off the internet during the night so I don’t stay up. I just. I don’t know anymore.
Sad, but my father checks all of those boxes, every single one. I moved to the other side of the world to get away from him. Now, when I do have to meet him (during the holidays) I always make sure to never be alone with him, and to excuse myself the second I see him trying to get under my skin. Thanks for the videos, they're super helpful!
It seems to me that Authoritarian parenting is synonymous with Narcissistic parenting… this was how I was raised. And I’m doing my absolute hardest to not parent my own children this way!!
You need to tell them off. Like hardcore. Let them feel the wrath. My parent shut their mouths now. I utterly dominated them. They can either get on board or get off the boat. Period. This is my family now, my children and my future. They now silently make faces and never say a word when they disagree with me. If they dare, I will kick them out of my house. Worthless baby boomers, damn they are jealous weirdos. Mad cause I’m better of then they are. So stupid. So disrespectful.
literally. My mom used to even compare me to my friends and say “what do you think so and so would’ve done” “do you think so and so would’ve done that” she would also refer to other people as “normal” people. it was so disgusting and neglectful
This video is exactly what I've been needing. I live on my dad's "spare" property in an old house. A few months ago, he was burning leaves in the driveway and smoked me and my sons out of the house. As I was leaving, he asked where I was going. I told him the house was full of smoke and we can't breathe. He said, "I guess you can find something to do with these leaves then!!" I told him that the leaves are only bothering him and no one else. He got mad and left. So for the next week, I gather leaves and start a compost pile with them. When he asked why they were all piled up in the corner of the yard, I told him I started a compost pile. His reply? "I don't know why they couldn't have composted where they were! They compost just find in the yard!" I can never do anything right in his eyes. He is a contrarian and will say the opposite of anything I say, even if he is wrong. That is just one of so many things that have happened.
Without watching the video (yet), I wanna share a quick story about my dad. He got pretty offended that I like another type of sliced Meat and claimed that I was doing it on purpose to spite him. Happy childhood :) Edit: Watched the video. Well I checked all the boxes! I'm right now in therapy to define myself and live in defiance of their rules. It can be horrifically destructive growing up with this type of person when they rob you of your self, worth, confidence, trust. But there is always a way out of this misery hole :)
Well you know the saying..."Where there's a will, there's a way"🙂.Good luck clawing your way out of that unfortunate hole, you'll be tired once you're finally out of it but you'll be darn glad you did it & proud of yourself too👍🏻👍🏻.
My narci sister once stopped by when in town (she would never sit when she visited, making sure it was rushed), and she had 2 heads of lettuce she wanted to give me, for some reason. First, i live alone, 2nd, they were romain, which i dont use or like. I thanked her very nicely but said I’d pass. ( this was a town where you had ro drive 10 minles to bring garbage to the dump…) she was angry & in ridiculous -how can you not like romain lettuce?! That was roo bizarre for her-someone having different taste had to be messed up…🙄😂
My father had me sit in front on an egg, screaming his head off that I'd eat it (I was not a fussy eater and to this day will not eat fried eggs, I cannot stand them), it went on for what seemed hours as I cried my eyes out. That was his modus operandi whenever he felt like it yet other times he would buy me sweets. It was incredibly confusing and stressful. He hasn't changed ✌
@@bereal6590o you eat boiled eggs? I have been through the same thing but when I turn into a teenager s forced myself to eat eggs they are cheap and easy to cook and have alot of nutrients I started eating them fried with onion now I eat them boiled
65 years for me. I am stunned to come to the realization that my mom is a covert narcissist. Now I find myself emotionally distancing myself from her...but now she has dementia and I'm her caregiver.......But knowing her real motives and how she affected me over my lifetime is such a relief. So many questions answered.
My Narc Mother acted like the very fact of being a child - so needing to be looked after physically - that we did it to spite her and burden her. She liked having a son but felt threatened by her daughters….she was nasty when dad was at work and acted normal when he was home. I grew up ashamed to be alive and take up space on the planet. Getting good grades was the only potential route to approval as having clever kids reflected well on her, yet I was called lazy if I came second in class. Getting top grades would then ignore me and act like I said nothing so praise withheld. I have worked hard to heal all this and value kind people highly as well as developing kindness, grace and courage in myself.
same exact thing with my father, like he was purposely trying to sabotage my happiness. I finally figured it out at 38 yrs old. I said as a kid I'd rather live with my aunt and uncle, they're family felt like teamwork instead of him vs. me. narcs are COWARDLY pathetic 💯💯💯🎯
The most painful thing my mother did to me was not the gaslighting and manipulation, but her rejection of my gifts. You see, I never lost hope of pleasing her. Every time I made her a gift on her birthday, she would get annoyed and angry at how useless and tasteless it was, and would make me return it to the store. (Most gifts are 'useless' in the practical sense, aren't they?) It was as if she was denying my very ability to love her. Now I see that she regarded my gifts as an attempt to compete with her, to challenge her 'love' with my own. It was like being imprisoned for life without the possibility of parole because I could never, ever, repay her love with anything of mine. To deny a child's ability and very right to love is the most harmful thing a parent can do.
same wouth my mother. she refuse gifts or anything i want to give her. i was always hurt and confused why she cannot be appreciative of me. she accepts my siblings gifts except from me. but now i truly understand..
totally know this first hand. He didn’t have any interest in my interests, never taught me any life lessons so Google was my parent when i had to learn to fix my car, the deck, and all sorts of things inc. personal finances, so i grew up doing them myself all my life. Didn’t like my choice of college goals so i put myself thru regardless of his “offering” to cover the tuition etc. Mom passes, and not even a couple months go by he tells me “Been thinking of disinheriting you, we have nothing in common”. I wouldn’t totally agree with that, he taught me how to be miserable, suspicious, and have trust issues.
Both of my parents were traumatizing narcissists, and recognizing the effects of that on my relationship patterns and sense of self has been quite challenging! This video was validating and informative.
My mom checked all the boxes besides the last one of the silent treatment, nothing silent about her lol she still behaves the same way 30 years later. All of my siblings & I have distanced ourselves from her. She of course plays victim & claims we’re all ungrateful and she doesn’t deserve this. It’s truly like dealing with a grown up child. I’m glad I have been learning about this phenomenon because I recognized in my learning a lot of narcissistic mentalities I was starting to form in my late teen/early adult years seemingly as a survival tactic. I always felt like people were untrustworthy, had ulterior motives, or were just going to bite me in the ass somehow. It’s a hard thing to overcome & I feel for anyone else brought up in the same style
# 8: I admit. Having pizza with my son in a restaurant located in a mall. I noticed he was lifted a piece of pizza with his knife and put the piece in his mouth. I told him I had taught him better and that I was embarrassed. My son, 20 years, smiled and said:" I have done this many times, but you have not noticed." Then we laughed. It is ok to tell your child what you do not like, but it is not ok to disrespect your child. I do not want to write about my mom more than she ticks every item 1-15. This video means a lot to me, it helped me to understand how much more support I would have needed as a child. It is not too late to grow.
Yes, this list is only scratching the surface of so many damaging behaviors of narcissisistic parents, Dr C. One of the most despicable that I have witnessed is intentionally raising children to be incompetent so that they will be financially dependent upon them and they can maintain control over their lives even in adulthood. 🤢 Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕
The undermining of confidence by the narc parent, the constant expectation of perfection, the emotional vacancy, the belittling/dismissal of achievements of the child are some of things that distort the foundation the resulting adult will stand on. These wounds cripple the ability of that adult to achieve the life potential he/she would otherwise have realised.
I know! My parents insist on making me less. It’s almost comical at this point and my wife just shakes her head and says “do they have any idea how much you make?” I said “No, they just know what I do and decide for themselves who I am and my income” because it doesn’t matter to them. They want me to be in a box where I am less so they can be more and insult my business. Strange people, very insecure and very delusional parents. Divorced 25yrs ago, no wonder. Selfish pricks. Lol
A student at my school said “I’m just being ungrateful” yet they don’t know my mom is a narcissistic person. Total disgusting how somebody judges me and they don’t even know what I’m going through.
You know Dr. Carter my dad has NPD and everything is everyone else's fault. He cannot take accountability. All of those that you have listed is definitely the way the role was in my childhood and still. He has lost all of his children and my mother. I have been able to speak my mind and his response was I didn't lose them, they lost me😢. He is 82 years old and it has gotten worse with age. Thank you for your expertise for I am healing because of your videos and acceptance. God bless
This video describes my father he is very manipulative , double standard , selfish , competive , disrespectful , narcissistic , non apologetic but expects apology back if they feel you disrespected them In someway , silent treatment , financial abuse , using triangulation between siblings or other family members etc .
Exactly I was always wondering WHAT DID I DO NOW? you really don't have to DO or SAY anything they get their jollies from seeing you confused and suffering emotionally and mentally and if the feel like it they will throw in physically depending on the child's age most of the time!! Very good video Dr. C❣️
I have cPTSD. I believe I am a vulnerable narcissist. My childrens' father is a covert narcissist. It is my responsibility to not only be the lesser of the evil but to work to break this cycle. I do not deserve the children I have who keep me focused on the future when I begin to live in guilt. I have two choices every day: Push my children away for their own good or show them I want to be a better person, then be it. I take this responsibility very seriously but sometimes wish I could quit. What keeps me honest is this: I always said that I understood my parents' pain but could never let them off the hook for making it mine.
Having spent years homeless, I noticed that so many of us preferred it over the families we came from. It is a major cause of homelessness and run away(s). It is good you found this while you are young. Best of luck dear :)
My father meets each of these. I am leaving the relationship forever. I have spent decades putting up with this toxic individual and want to be in peace. I am so grateful for your lectures and I love seeing your little dog!
Christ is Risen Dr. Carter! Thank you for this recording on narcissistic parents. Personally, I think that living with a narcissistic parent is like one living with a chronic, debilitating disease.
@@amandak9945 ..the Tanakh erroneously known as the Old Testament is the exact opposite of someone else dying for sins. It teaches to take responsibility for your own sins and to repent. No one can die for the sins for another. It’s about growing into a better human being. Most narcissists I know are NT /go-SPEL believers.
I pray there will be more awareness and support in society for people who were raised by narcissistic parents. 💔 these people are abusers and destroyers. It is heartbreaking to know I have no biological family that I can trust, and knowing the best decision for my well being and healing is to cut them from my life completely. sending so much love to everyone who has gone/is going through this ❤💔
Dr C, I cannot thank you enough. Being 59, it was through my weird narcissistic romantic relationship that I started to get informed on this topic and realized that my mother is a textbook case. Now old and helpless, she still does no 8 and 10 almost every day to me. I have counted 12 or 13 out of your 15 points from the checklist. Recently, I have been getting angry at myself for reacting strongly whenever she tries to push and break my newly built boundaries. It's exactly what you mentioned, the tone of voice that I have to learn to control and the choice of words as well. This video is totally eye-opening, thank you thank you🙏🖐️🧡
I’m in a sort of hell now. Things are falling apart. It’s necessary, but so painful. My son is 45 and beginning to look hard at the truth of his life. I am still married to his father. I have no explanation for why I’m still here. It’s so bad, it’s been mostly bad . I feel sick about the things that happened to my son and I “had to” go along with it or things got ugly. On the flip side, we have albums full of lovely family vacation photos etc. But the day to day, month to month, year to year drama, has damaged some of the best little kids you ever met. They are now adults and parents and at least one of them is a narcissist too! Heartbreaking for me. I am stuck in the past, wanting to make things right , but can’t.
@@t-knitting Thanks. It’s true, I do need change. As I said, my life is messed up. Where to go and what to do with few resources . I’ve been looking into a place of my own but it’s hard to think of leaving my home. I’m 68 in a few weeks.
Dr. C, The narcissistic father of my 4 grandchildren, is every one of these points that you made in todays video. He has so far succeeded in his Parental Alienation tactics with my 15 yr old grandson, and working on it with 3 younger sisters. His attempt to make his live in girlfriend the new mother, their affair destroyed the marriage) and completly eliminate their mommy from their lives is his main goal. It is astonishing how he blames everyone else for his own misdeeds.
I feel bad sometimes and even miss my narc family but since I cut them out of my life I finally have the freedom to live my life and do the most basic things in life most take for granted like make $$ without being sabotaged. Thank you and your channel learned so much from you. You sound like Dr. Phil but Your wayyyy better! 😂
agreed!! my father refused to pay 1/3 of the tuition for a great private school where I received a scholarship and hes loaded with $$ yet soon as I finished at a trash high school he demanded $800 per month rent. sabotaging is the narcs #1 tactic!💯💯🎯
Even for non-narcissistic parents (I mean not full blown narcissist), it's very common for kids to exist to fulfill the needs of the parent. Though they don't see it that way at all of course. It just strikes me how this is more common than not. Just a lot worse in narcissist parents.
I think I have experienced this. My dad isn’t a narcissist, but I do think he has shown some of those traits. For example, there was a period of time when I was a teenager where he demanded me and my brother to greet him and hug him when he came home from work. Is this actually normal? Maybe he felt he wasn’t appreciated enough or he saw something on tv from his childhood where it seemed a little more common to do that? It’s not normal for a teen to greet their dad as though he was a king.
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER True, many teens are embarrassed to be around their parents in public. I noticed growing up they would rather stay home or be with friends.
Clear. Okay, they got a full house, top marks... Shame it was for a 'Narcissistic parent check list'... Oh my, oh my. Thank you Dr Carter for all the clarity, difficult to hear but true. Your work and clarity is helping me to recover and come home to myself. But, oh my. the gas lighting was all pervasive, no wonder I couldn't even trust who i was. I see now, I am clear. Thank you Dr C' and Gussy dog too : )
Whenever I tried to discuss anything that might put my narc in a bad light she would immediately go to the bathroom sit on the floor and put a bag over head threatening to kill herself. This has happened 20+ times. The topic I wanted to discuss with here (that would put her in a bad light) was her cheating on me at school as soon as I dropped out (we went to school together). Her response was to run away and put a paper bag over head threatening to kill herself. This ridiculousness has taken its toll on my sanity. In my opinion these people are reptiles with unlimited remorseless evil, there will be no convincing them in my opinion. I'm a shell of my former self and am currently escaping. Good luck everyone.
My mother had many but not all of these characteristics. The hardest for me to accept was that she despised me, and had no respect for me. She often threatened to cut me off and in the end she did cut me off. I could have been dead in the gutter for all she knew. It's not as though I am a criminal or a drug addict. I am quite a vulnerable person, but hardworking and educated. I managed to become a professional and own my own home. So I am a fully functional decent and contributing member of society. But I was treated as a criminal by my family, simply for speaking the truth.
Well.. u have just described a lot of my childhood years, like my dad would never let me argue with him and if so, he would always have the last word and in case he didnt, he beated the s*** out of me with all kind of objects, whatever is closer to him, could be a shoe, a belt, a branch of a tree called "privets",etc. Other way of "discipline" was making us get down on our knees on top of sand for no time limit, it could be half and hour, 2 hours. His mindset was like, when u do wrong u get disciplined, when u do right, nothing good happens because thats what u should do, never a compliment when we achieved a goal or just any good gesture to cheer us. He was never close to us sentimentally, the only time he said "i love you" to me was when i was leaving his house after a fight, cause i was tired of the way he treated me, that was the only time in my 29yo life he said it, and im glad i recognized he was trying to manipulate me and i just left. We are 3 male sons, 2 of us have left the relationship with him and he talks about us to people or posts in social media braging about our goals while he doesnt even talk to us. For outsiders he is dad of the year. I think nobody really know he doesnt talk to us, i actually dont know what he has being saying but people send him greeting for us and he acts just normal. He cant say im sorry, he just cant. He lost two sons and never say sorry, never. Always find a way to prove he's right (in his mind own obviously). So, i made the list and this is what i got: 1 ✅ 2 ✅ 3 ✅ 4 ✅ 5 ✅ 6 ✅ 7 ✅ 8 9 ✅ 10 ✅ 11 ✅ 12 ✅ 13 ✅ 14 15 ✅ I've been in a couple for a few years now and she is starting to talk about having a kid you know, and im so scared of it because of this, i just dont want to make the same things my dad did to us, i know i have to change things inside me to being able to raise a child on a healthy way, i look at my dad and i know i dont want to be like him, not even close. I've changed a lot of stuff, my couple has helped me to talk about a lot of things, and i just want to keep changing to a better person. Thank u for your work, ill keep watching for sure, im crying u know, relief i think it is. I barely cry, only when i think about my mom, its hard to me to show vulnerability. Sorry if my english is not good enough, i did my best. Cheers man, and again, thank you.
Same thing I learned from my father from when I was young 💯 I always said over and over I will never ever treat my kids the way I was treated and now that I'm a grown women and a mother of three, I can proudly say I broke the cliché of history repeating itself. I love my kids more than anything, more than myself and always have treated them with nothing but love. Proud that I did not turn into him instead I became better than him. My kids are full of love and kindness and I'm so proud of them. My heart goes out to everyone that had to deal with such an awful childhood with a narcissistic parent. Big hugs to you and yours! 🫂 We've made it!! 🙏 Have a beautiful & blessed day Everyone 🌻
Both my husbands parents were narcissistic, hence my husband is a covert narc and siblings are all afflicted with some type of personality disorder. However, none of them see their parents as being anything but good, and laugh at what I feel and felt as abnormal behavior. There was verbal abuse, physical abuse from the dad, and thrown in the mix was the “I love you”, kisses upon greeting each other, and cold and hot behavior from both parents. My mother in law would talk to me about her daughters kids, her grandkids, very negative ugly comments. Never to their faces, and when they were around would act ok but very impatient with all the grandkids. Nobody ever saw anything wrong with this type of behavior except me, and I was told numerous times, “you just don’t like my family”. It took me many years to discover that this family if a family of narcissists and maybe that is why they have accepted the behavior from the parents as ok. It was very difficult because I was made to feel like I was in the wrong, they were “normal, loving and a very close family.” I just can’t understand how the grown kids think that they had such wonderful parents. None of them have healthy relationships, some turn to alcohol and drugs and the saddest thing is one sister committed suicide at the age of 37. I’m not saying her death was because of the family dysfunction but I’m sure it didn’t help. When I read comments about children of narcissistic parents, it seems they acknowledge the dysfunction and want a better life for themselves and their children. Is it the inconsistency of acceptance, then gaslighting, shaming and then “we’re a loving family”, but you will do as I say and if not you’re not my favorite today? My grown kids want nothing to do with any of them and I am the same way. It’s the most bizarre, mind f………ry, farce they put on for the outside world but once the front door closes the masks come off and you see the truth.
My NF is 92, lives in MY house and has been shunning me for 7 years now. I despair. You can't tell anyone this. It just makes you look bad. It's a relief to just write it here
Thanks for sharing this. If it makes you feel any better, I have a very difficult 94yo father who lives 6 minutes away and it's not always easy or pleasant. And to your point, it's hard to explain it to someone who is not experiencing the same.
Both of my parents had all of these traits. It’s a wonder how I survived. Still trying to heal. Grieving the loss of childhood is tough. Doing something fun everyday as self - care.
Why learn life by trial and error. Why not teach what works in the schools. What should they know before messing up their life by trial and error. That is the question. How about a working relationship. Why wait to the end of ones life to learn what you can know presently. Professionals like Dr Carter and many in his field is the answer. There is help.
I feel so sorry for my mother. I know she was treated horribly but just didn't grow up at a time when therapy was even an option. It doesn't justify anything that has happened since. But I will always feel sad for her. And that is hard to deal with.
I found out that my narc Mom set me up for failure during my childhood by insisting that I be placed in math classes when I did not have the foundation for upper level courses. The fact that my basic lack of understanding was well documented, still she demanded of my school administrators that I be placed where I had no business being placed. I was lost, and great was her rage and her public “humiliation”. She has never forgiven me for not living up to her standards.
This is exactly how my malignant narcissistic father behaved and now I am seeing it in my covert spouse. I was so fooled because they were different but I couldn't understand why I felt that something was off. Thanks to Dr. C I now see the truth!
I would like to say hello, again, to everybody. My recovery has been slow but steady, and I was optimistic until this week when all of my HVAC tools were stolen. Now I'm full of Hatred-anger, and I can't stop thinking that real life is still BAD
My father is a sociopath. All through my childhood, he was in competition with me and my siblings. If I got a good job, I better not be making more than him. If my mom wanted time with me or her family, he would make her feel guilty and criticize her family. He would fake cry to manipulate her. I got rid of him. No regrets.
I'm hesitant to share my personal experiences in the comments, or frankly anywhere else. But oh boy, this checklist sure does ring true to me. Thank you Dr. C.
Yes. How they dominated or/and undercut things, she so persistently and so sneaky, he with emotional and physical beatings. I deliberately chose, by about age 10, to NEVER have children, to not pass this along, as I knew I would have done--what other patterns did we have? It ends with me. It ended with me. Dr. C, please keep on bringing this out. Your validation, and your information for healing from this hellish miasma is so helpful. There are so many aspects, from 20 years of relentless abuse, sometimes reminding me of things I've forgotten, well I don't remember much about childhood, it was so awful, I need to hear it in different words, and sometimes over and over, to get it. Keep teaching: I'll keep listening. Thank you, bless you. And Gus.
Me too, about having children. It has taken me past the beginning of menopause to try to understand and get a handle on what causes me so much anxiety. I knew that it wouldn't be fair to anyone to have children and am still taking baby steps to get these thoughts ('What did I do wrong?, etc) out of my head. My ex-father's entire family - ALL of them are raging narcissists. His mother was voted 'Most Conceited' in her high school class, and she was really proud of it. Born to the president of a small bank in south central Florida during the Great Depression, his mother really made the mold. My brother and I were not allowed to call her 'grandmother' as we were told she didn't want to think of herself as old. Conceit. She also didn't want us in the family as my mother saw the light and got the hell out pretty early. Unfortunately, a 17 year old who *someone* got pregnant in high school in the late 60s had a rough shot at trying to support us as a single mother of two. I think there is a book in here somewhere... I have to add in that I haven't seen much discussion about alcohol abuse mixed in here. My father is/was a raging alcoholic as well. It was pretty traumatic.
Hoo boy. Yes. The damage they do. I've worked on this my whole adult life, now in my 70s. I'm coming to the conclusion that I did NOT do anything to cause that treatment. It's on them, and clearly down through the generations. Well it stopped with me. Dr. C, how, how, to forgive? And who?
Learn to suppress. 💯 When I was younger, my teachers n coaches always told my mom how well I handed criticism. My mom was so ‘proud’ of that and used to brag to others about how ‘tough’ I was. Nope. Not true. I was so emotionally suppressed and beat down, I never reacted to criticism. I would just stand there till the criticism was over, no emotion. But I NEVER handled it well on the inside.
So much trauma, still happening at 68 yrs old , mom now lives with me, elderly with Parkinson's and when I told her some of the things she said and did, her answer was I think your making this up, I don't remember any of that😢 I really needed this. Thank you
@amandak9945 finances, she is kind to my youngest daughter so she will be spending the summer there. I really need a break, I'm handicapped as well as my husband. So I'm gonna take time to recoup😊
Always watch your videos; there are narcs everywhere and your work has really helped me recognize narcissists when they show up: I have learned how to not react, and when it is time to go no contact. Thank you (wish I knew this 50 years ago, but better late than never)!
Top marks to mum - she achieved all 15 traits. I've had to completely separate from her as an adult. No contact, too risky to my mental health and the mental health of my kids.
Thank you for another good video. I am glad millions of people are waking up to this disorder and we have good support sites like this one to validate our experiences.
Narcissistic abuse has devastating and long term consequences for a persons sense of self (or lack of - once the abusive parent has had their way). Thankfully with therapy and plenty of self care, survivors can find peace and live a healthy and meaningful life.
I've been suffering this for about 27 years as the youngest of four, as the "scapegoat". I've struggled a lot trying to find my way out from this house, and hopefully next year will be the time to leave. 😮💨
1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 14, 15 A few of them were tricky but I remembered incidents in early childhood where they rang true. The emotional neglect was the worst, I have so many mental health issues now because of it.
#1 to me was triangulation. Yes to the criticism. Thank you Dr. c🥰🙏🏼 Therapy for overwhelming anxiety and videos such as yours have been a great blessing! Ps Gus looks extra handsome today🐕💕
This is true. It’s a horrible feeling that the only way you’ll get peace is to not have them around anymore. No one who hasn’t this sort of family member understand so it’s only certain people I confide in 😢
My ex’s mom is a narcissist, my ex is a narcissist, and I was emotionally and mentally abused by both of them. She was my first love, I loved her immensely and compromised most of the toxic behavior. She let me go and thank god I’m free now!
Thank you so much for this very helpful video, Dr. C. I was well into my adult years before I understood anything about my narcissistic upbringing. Once I started learning about it, so many things that I didn’t understand as a child began to make sense. A very eye-opening and empowering experience. Thank you for all the education on this very important topic.
Thank you so much! I’ve only come to the realization that I grew up with a narcissistic father recently and am still processing everything. It took me years away from said person and lots of conversations with loved ones to realize how much damage it has done to me, maintaining that relationship and actually being trapped in that psychological prison, even though I live on the other side of the globe now. As you said in the end, it’s food for thought! It’s such a complicated thing finding out the people that set you back in life the most are still so dear to you. But moving on is necessary. Sorry about the long rant and thanks again! ✌🏼
I'm not perfect, and I just keep running into triggers which sometimes send me into spirals. This is distressing when it happens with my partner and we accidentally trigger each other, because right away I'm looking for danger, and when you look for it, you see it everywhere. But I think that little bit by bit I'm getting better. I'm more emotionally stable, and I get over upsets more quickly, and my partner and I really do communicate well. We can analyse a bad situation within that very conversation. I'm determined to keep learning, to keep seeing where those triggers are and deactivate them as much as I can, and learn to avoid those that I can't deactivate. Peace and harmony is not some perfect place that you get to and then relax. It's a work in progress.. and I like the work. It makes me happy and it heals. Thank you so much for the work you do, Dr C, and for giving hope to all of us survivors.
My covert nerc mom actually left behind journals letting each child know how they had disappointed her! A last kick in the teeth from beyond the grave!
I had to stop watching after you mentioned DISCIPLINE because I got triggered!. My mother's DISCIPLINE of myself and my sister was to literally beat us with a leather belt, with holes in the belt, while we were completely NAKED, while screaming at us to "stay still". The more we moved around, the longer and harder she hit us. The belt left marks all over our bodies. After a while, my sister didn't get "beatings" but I did. My sister fought back, but I was too terrified of her to fight back. The last time she actually put her hands on me was in 1988 when I was 20 years old. This time, I fought back!. Now, it's all verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. But, I'm still fighting back. I have very little to no contact with her whatsoever. I'm 55 now.
@@SurvivingNarcissism 😳🥺 Thank you Dr. C. Your response and validation is comforting. I'm so thankful I found your channel, and I'm looking forward to healing 😊.
I am glade I ran across your video. This too was my own conclusions. I’ve been studying this and how it affects stage physical body. And researching how to correct these. My soul purpose, is to do what you explained, change the cycle.
My father checks off on all those 14. He is still alive and the only thing that has changed is that he notices that I notice and that I know better how do deal with and anticipate his behavior.
Number 14 - "if your not with me, your against me" My dad would tell me this all the time. It's only made me more fearful of going around him because if he feels you're against him, he'll do everything he can to attack you first. He believes that I'm going to shoot him 5 times in the chest because a friend of his died that way. I'd never do that, I have no reason to despite everything he's done to me but I'm afraid he's going to get me first so I can't get him. And he wonders why I don't want to talk to him anymore. My parents have been trying to get a hold of me for the past month but I'm so done dealing with them. My mom has been the victim of my dad's narcissism to the point she will stand by him no matter what. I've heard "he's getting better" a thousand times and it's never been true. If he were actually getting better he'd stop stalking my mom at work because he still thinks she's cheating. Which to my knowledge, she's never done. All I know is that she talked to another guy but it's none of my business
Good to hear this. Hindsight is fine sight. The ex said " I've created a mini me and he's a monster" about our adult son. I told the ex no you haven't he's his own person. I may be biased but my son is a well rounded/ grounded man, thank God.
@@pennyclark3356 Yes, the ex was projecting his own issues onto my son. He's truly a good man ( not perfect, but would never knowingly hurt anyone ) I'm blessed. Thank you for your kinds words...
I never know where I stand... When I was in therapy my therapist said my emotional needs were not met that's why I heard I isolate myself when I can't cope. It upsets my partner and friends.😢❤😢❤
This checklist is SPOT ON! I will be sending it to a few relatives on the other side of "my pond' to see how they relate. So insightful. Thank you once again for all the great content and information. Dr. Carter.
My mother taught me nothing. She put me under continuous stress, fear and worry. She destroyed my self worth.
I had to take a print of your post, how much it rings true.
I'm sorry to hear that! I also didn't learn much from my own mother apart from the fact as a person having experienced being abandoned and discarded for many years I will never put any man in front of my own child
Sorry😢
Same here! I hope you are able to heal from it.
@@mariagulraizekhan it's a daily struggle but I'm not defined by it. Saying I'll get there. I'm worth something is vital. Just keep getting up and struggling on.....
Narc parents don't care about the child's actual progress, emotions etc., they only care about the child following their demands, and maintaining their image as the best parent.
How many times did I rub her feet? And even when she tried to fake hug me, she wouldn't put her hands on me just kind of droop her arms lightly around me, it was very strange. And I do Not remember ever being hugged by my father. Infested with head lice while she had weekly visits to the beauty salon. And we were in poverty.
@@rhondadavis4285 I'm so sorry
@@rhondadavis4285 i am so so sorry. i hope you are able to find solace in healing. sending lots of love
That's THE thing:when someone forces you to do something out of fear of reprisals he actually forces you to lie and cheat on him.Whatever you do, its not an honest desision of yours.And these tyrants know it,they know people pretend, but they can't stop.They want people to be loyal to them but suffer, bc they can't obtain their loyalty except by force.They are pathetic, at the end they understand the loyalty is fake and suffer.Their whole life.
You’re right my child mother is like this. She keeps him away to fully control him and I got no say in that behavior.
Narcissistic parents want complete obedience. You will only receive acceptance if you do and be what they want. I felt like a slave in my narcissistic family. Walking on eggshells for decades. I finally went no contact. Abusive family systems don't change. They want conformity only. Individuals will be punished or discarded if they don't comply.
Soo right... I'm facing the same 😔😑
Wow! You literally just described my lived experience. I'm no contact for 1.5 years now and although it hurts to not have your family or origin with you through the good and bad times, it's such a relief to be able to just live and make independent, non-judged, decisions. It's truly liberating and I feel far healthier.
@@anntrope491 Honestly for me personally...I typically throw flying 🐒 s into the same dumpster 🔥 as the narc because they're oftentimes toxic in their own ways as well🙄. Usually in family systems involving narcs...Typically each family member plays their own unhealthy role in the system unless they end up going no-contact of course🤔.A narc will not only show you who they are... They'll also show you who the people AROUND them are too whether it's good or bad.
Complete obedience is still a must with my 96 year old nightmare.
I concur
The best thing I learned from my mother was how NOT to treat my children.
Likewise for me. I received the same lesson from my father.
Yup, same.
I remember the first time i told her that.... She actually she stayed quiet and I think made some sort of comment but it was weird.... Like she knew she fucked up and couldn't say anything to it.
DITTO!!!!
@@snowflakemelter5868 Me too - father. I was really old when I had my son, because I was frightened that I'd end up parenting like my father - and why have a child if all you're going to do is hit, insult and shout orders? But I didn't do any of those things with mine, and he's so much nicer than I ever was, as well as more successful.
A few years ago, long after both parents were dead, I was talking to my brother's wife, and the penny dropped: my mother was playing us off against each other. She also did some appalling things to keep her son close to her, and dependent on her to look after himself.
@Lesley Vivien Another similarity, I didn't become a Dad until I was 50, and I kept putting it off for the same kind of reasons as yourself. As it happens, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. My father taught me how NOT to be a Dad.
What the child of a narcissistic parent truly is, is an unwanted orphan. They're incapable of love, or caring, or compassion. They don't love you: they tolerate you. Once I learned this, it was painful and saddening, but ultimately set me free.
Heavy on the “they don’t love you: they tolerate you” !! My mom always talked about how i was “hard to like” and how she couldn’t wait for me to graduate and move out of the house. it was sick. The love was conditional if it was even there.
Nailed it!
This is exactly how I feel now I know they're never going to have a normal adult conversation with me and now that I know my mum is narc as well as my dad and sister. I feel like I am an orphan. If I wasn't autistic I would have seen the truth 20 years ago. 😔
Justine, without autism it took me much longer than 20 years.
I used to say this all the time when I was 13 years old. I felt like an orphan even though I had both parents in the house.
imagine having TWO narcisstic parents. The story of my life
Imagine having 4 Narc parents-
bio and step parents.
Lucky me. What are the odds?
I talk to one of them, that's enough.
I had two as well. One is dead but the other is still torturing me.
Yeah bro, it sucks big time
Same here. I never stood a chance. And I married a narc too.
But I know now!
@@annking8633 I'm waiting for both of mine to die. I think that kind of evil lives forever. If I shed any tears, they'll be happy ones. If I attend their funerals, it'll be to spit on their corpses and dance on their graves.
The worst part for me is the fact that they will never apologize and never feel remorse, no matter what I try to say or do. They'll always just think I was crazy and they were right. They still have my little brothers on their side and they all think I was just the failure of the family. Even though I graduated high school, have a stable job, and my own apartment with the love of my life. It won't ever be enough.
It's "enough" for you. Living a successful life is the "enough" that will drive them crazy; you don't even have to do anything different. Just keep being successful and you'll make them nuts even though they won't show it. It's a win for you, you get a great life and the na-na-boo-boo, in your face, answer to their narcissism you are looking for. My counselor told me this, I didn't think of it on my own.
stay strong and become stronger!🙏🏽💜
This is as if I wrote that. Exactly know the feeling.
It will NEVER be enough. The truth is, they are afraid of you being great. They want you SMALL so they can be “smart” and “wise” parents as long as possible. Pluck them. Make them respect you. Work hard for YOU. Don’t let them bring you down for ONE second. Be greater. Be the best.
You sound like you're doing great despite it all. Kudos! Keep living well and distance yourself from them.
Not only are they not there for you when you need them the most but that is when they choose to come against you
You're on it, Tara.
Yep, the old kick you while you're down move. Absolutely disgusting considering they ought to be helping you up.
SO TRUE!
My mother always took the side of the offender... I learned at a very young age that if someone was hurting me they were probably right.
@@inthehouse1960 unfortunately that is the confusion we are taught as children
You owe me
My way or the highway
Control
Double Standards
Jealousy
Contempt
Sadistic
Pyschotic
Hate
Selfish
Manipulation
Gaslighting
Punishment
I'm sure there's more I've forgotten to mention
And that's putting it nicely!
🎯🎯🎯
That's a very well put list. Sure is damn sad that so many of us have had to deal with this.
Raging too. Sounds like my husband. My ex. I knew him 14 years. He never changed and he never learned. Then he died 8 months ago of a drug overdose.
Oh yeah the my way or the highway. As a kid I thought I was being very grown up and respectful and thought my mom would be impressed. I had a toy typewriter and wrote a little letter asking my mom (iw was probably around 7) if I could be allowed to choose some of my own clothes. She read it looked at me with contempt and disdain and simply said NO. It felt like ice ✌
#1 on the list has to be “conditional love”. You want love you better feed the parent what they want, when they want it, how they want it etc. Of course there is no actual love with a narc, as narcs only love themselves.
Nothing is free on earth , Absolutely Nothing . Nothing to do with a person being a narc or not
@@tristan583 do you have something that you need to share. This is a safe place, we
understand, we care, maybe we can help.
🎯🎯🎯
Great point...the only thing I'd add is that it's actually their false-self that they really love,they only like the fake characters that they pretend to be to cover up the very damaged nasty underdeveloped thing that quietly lurks where a actual real fleshed-out personality was supposed to develop😬.I'm not saying this to feel sorry for the adult narc of course,I only feel sorry for the innocent little kids they once were...But it sure is a wretched unsettling thing that really lives behind the 🎭 ultimately🥶.
If the school knew, about the parents, hell is out plus kids can get talked into stories, asking a kid to tell on a parent, but yea man ,my mom, my dad, what a trip, poor, dum, whore, screaming nut, im glad us kids, have a little insight, i seen my narcissist sister be off base first born kid ,mom and dad what had the traits, i seen full blown in my sister, yeap a bunch of poor kids, mom and dad, we had it all, live in girlfriend, surviving life, seeing the disfunction, the environment, dad what putting first born ,be a good smart kid, your mom never had a mom, noone had school, being young full of cum, surviving having habits, the insight of a child will work, yea buddy im sorry, its rough, the why, have not watched yet, my mom my dad, there dum faults, yea ,break down, 60 years later, cause my fellow human needs to be fed to the dogs, no way, suffer, my Doctor truth is suffering, i didnt go through dum cramp, to be against a retard, mom,dad, did there best, i made my choice to be a human, the off base person, is my blood. ,what warn the kids, they can become, off base, hec some one dont need to spread hate, things suck, i suck, i hate, what a sick0, a child mind troubled human, please help me. ,well i guess hey let the child learn life, they see ugly in the conflict of the world, but man i guess some folks can eat dog, my Doctor does not need me to think bad thoughts, rewind the past, im sorry, i learn this word , they kill humans, the narcissist, im off base, im one person, ok tell the children, not to be off base, look at my dum family, the ugly, the dum, the retard whore, im a full blown drug head, help me save someone to see ,watch your mistakes, on and on, the normal will out weighed the off base, your it Doctor Carter
Lots of truth in this list. Another one, the narcissist parent can't stand their child's happiness-they see it as a threat to their inflated sense of superiority. The slightest expression of joy, and down comes the shame hammer. It can make it a real challenge to allow oneself to have fun, or even smile.
oh my, that's right. now I recall my mother resenting it if I was having a good time as a kid.
And the addendum to this is, if they catch you excelling at anything they reach for the wet blanket to throw over it.
lucky my dad was the opposite.
Oh! So true. Good point!
Absolutely TRUTH. Every achievement was met with a negative comment.
@@davidoltmans2725 Yeah, the reasoning was that they did not want us to get a big head about our successes. They are so compassionate looking out for us.
Yes!
I kept asking myself a lot of years why I was afraid to expres joy.
Mom was always so disgusted and exasperated with my not being like her. How many times I heard her say, " You just always have to be different, don't you!". I quickly learned to hide my true self from her.
Or, "WHAT WILL OTHERS THINK?" Or, "YOU WILL BEHAVE!!! DON'T YOU EMBARASS ME!!! YOU'RE NOT GOING DRESSED LIKE THAT!!!" etc., etc., etc. I don't recall one instance of my mother talking nicely to me, hugging me, or telling me that she loves me. If she wasn't being all the above, then it was complete silence as I was not worthy of a conversation. If I ever came into contact with her, it was a hair brush broken over my head, a fly swatter to the face, being jerked around by my ponytail, an open-handed slap to the face for not answering a question fast enough or because she believed I was lieing, or a wooden clothes hanger broken on my rear end, etc....yep. My mother, the human woodchipper!
I heard how I was like my Aunt and she didn't say it like a compliment. My mother was jealous of her sister.
As a teenager / adult, I thanked her. She informed me it wasn't a compliment. I pointed out my Aunt was strong, independent, a voracious reader, loved animals, got her pilots license and flew for the Civil Air Patrol during WWII. How could it not be a compliment?
That is such an arrogant thing to say. As if your entire life is aimed at subverting HER. As if you have nothing better to do.
This is my mother. I would always think to myself….. my goal in life is to make sure I am NOTHING like you
I noticed narcissistic parents or one of the parents always have weird rules for their kids to follow that no one else does or is very uncommon. Some of these parents also seem overprotective or very strict. Often these rules or ideas don’t benefit the kids in anyway. There’s no real life lesson or common sense to these rules.
exactly.
They do make sense. Narcissitic parents are authoritarian. The narcissist parents have these rules to oppress and rule over their kids. They are just power plays so they can rule over their kids and feel powerful. People like to think these rules are just to protect the kids or make sure they are alright, but really the narcissist could not care less about the kid. The narcissist parent has the same mentality of a jail warden or even a torturer imprisoning an inmate.
My Dad to a T. The strictness was beyond absurd.
I agree. Or they’ll randomly make up a weird rule and say “you should’ve known that” or “I TOLD you that you couldn’t…” Yet they had never made that rule before. They just want that feeling of superiority and control.
Bingo. Weird how universal these characteristics can be. As if they all read from the same book.
My life started when I stopped asking my narcissistic mother permission (as an adult) to do things, and instead TOLD her what I'm going to do.
I grew exponentially since then. I don't fear everything anymore.
She instilled so much fear into me that I couldn't even pay for things at a cash register because I didn't want to talk to someone.
I do remember I was so shy as a teen I would not want to use the phone to call someone. 😩
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER I'm still working on that anxiety. I'm 29 and still terrified of calling people.
"She instilled so much fear into me that I couldn't even pay for things at a cash register because I didn't want to talk to someone."
Yeah, this is me. I don't mind talking to cashiers and being open/friendly, but it's just the situations that I cannot control and shit those goes on that fucks me up. I'm not allowed to say "no" for frear of me doing something and being the problem, even if someone is stepping over a boundary or whatever.
@@AlvinKazu The fear of being blamed for something that is out of your control is definitely a trademark of being a scapegoat. The parent needs someone to blame because they sure the hell won't consider themselves at fault.
Ever since I've stopped agreeing and going along with whatever my mother said, I'm the main target. Literally get blamed for everything and anything.
She calls me a guest in her/my little brother's house despite me paying $500+ rent for an unfinished attic space, house supplies and food. I've lived with and taken care of her needs most of my life and I'm a guest to her. That's what happens when you start telling them no. You are seen as nothing more than a tool. But it has been freeing despite the backlash.
I stopped fearing the word "no" because I know I'm doing nothing wrong and the more she pushes me, the more I pull.
Nothing will be good enough for them.
Even if you go along, they will find something to blame you for. Your boundaries are seen as a betrayal to them. They think they are your god simply because they conceived you and "provided" for you, and you owe them your life. The only thing you can control in your life is your own actions and emotions. The rest that goes on around you will always be a gamble.
@@FatFrogChonk some of my moms favorite lines were “I gave you life & I can take it away” and “you will do this because I’m your mother & I say so” … she always had a thing with control. She also made us go to our rooms to cry if we were sad or hurt and not come out till we were done crying. Heartless. It broke my heart to see my 3 year old sister sitting in her room crying alone on her bed. We were not raised with love at all
My mother checks all the boxes, sadly. Well, not sadly for her - she doesn't care, - but I am done.
Ditto!
Yep. I’m old and I finally quit trying to fix an unfixable situation.
i am so sad looking back on my little child self. How any child could deserve to be beat with a belt or switch is beyond ignorant and still people will defend this and call it discipline. It taught me to be invisible. It taught me not to voice my needs or wants. I think a lot of abused woman and men come from homes where they were told they deserved to be hit .
I asked one day what my daily beating were for after being badly hit. To make me tough she said. She has beat me to within an breath of suffocation and death and never once apologized for it ever, her wealthy parents who did not believe in mental health shielded all her evil deeds. There are truly monsters in the closet.
My mother beat me with a belt numerous times when I was 8-12 years old. To this day (I’m 70) I can’t remember what I had done to be beaten. I was not a bad child who acted out. Just didn’t understand why my mother was so mean. One time when I was 26 I left and moved to Hawaii to get away from her. I had spoken to my dad on the phone and I finally asked him why I was treated so poorly. He admitted that he thought that my mom was a bit too strict. But, in real life he did nothing to save me . I couldn’t even speak. I was so glad to be away from her. I’m thankful that my mom and dad are both gone. Now I’m going through a divorce from a covert narcissist. 28 years married. I was so used to being in that environment. And NOW I’m finally realizing what my mother and stbx husband were. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time.😢. I wish I had known about narcissistic behavior before. But, I’m determined to heal to the best of my ability in what time I have left on this planet! Thank you, Dr Les!❤
I read some notes by a spirit guide. She was human for centuries and graduated, no longer needed to be human. She said the angels truly cry when they see a child being beaten.
@@pamsee9548 you did nothing, she was aggressive and unhinged. Unfortunately, nobody needs a licence to have kids so many violent and unstable people traumatise their kids.
My story is similar to yours. I left at 25. Moved to the USA and never went back to this day. I keep in touch with my 2 sisters. Both my parents are dead and never received one single apology from them. Neither I expected them too. I made a new life with people that showed me love and respect. It has taken a long time to heal but thanks God i am fine.
My dad is a narc and he won't be challenged, when I was 9, he smashed me in the face for what he described as breathing wrong, he then broke my arm and so on and so on. I'm 55 he is 80+, but even today, he will not own anything he does and he is still incredibly physically fit and uses the threat of physical violence and phycological manipulation to achieve his goals. He has no emotional intelligence, I once asked him, where's your empathy, he said "I don't really do that". He spread his narc behaviour to my brothers and they became his flying monkeys, who still do everything they can to try and keep in with him, it's sad to watch, neither of them have worked him out.
His new wife is a mouse, who won't say a word out of place, I can see the fear in her, she also knows exactly what will be heading her way (in private), if she steps out of line, even an inch. The LESSON IS, THEY DON'T CHANGE.
Everything is conditional with them, everything is done with them at the centre of the equation in some way, it's always about how what they do, benefits them or how something they do makes them look to others. It's usually only in private, that their true nature is revealed, which is why they like to surround themselves with controllable flying monkeys.
I just keep them all at arms length, I stay polite and never share anything, just talk about the weather :)
Thanks for this vid, your analysis is spot on.
may blessings be unto you 🙏🏽💜
Well my mother, now deceased, was 15 for 15 with this list. I figured so much. But some of the stuff you said Dr. C was word for word! I even dropped my phone at one point! Yes, my mothers favorite line was “I demand respect! I AM YOUR MOTHER!” with no thought of ever giving respect back in any way, shape or form! Me and my brother walked on eggshells on a daily basis. Sad as it is to say, I am so glad she is no longer on this earth!
Yes My Moms favorite thing to say was “ You May not love ❤️ Me , but You will Respect Me “ sad to say I don’t do either one , She’s 85 and I Hate the Demons that Reside within Her ! She is a poor excuse for a Human 🙄
Yeah, just like my mom. Worthless old hags with nothing left in life and ever accomplished anything. They abuse YOU because society never thought they were ever that great. Silly women.
I support your comments. Only another person who has truly walked in your shoes can understand. I commend your courageous post. Blessings to you 😘
I always thought that my mother was my only narcissistic parent and that my father was just neglectful, but now I realize that my father is also a narcissist. It was hell growing up with them. I thank God everyday for my husband. It's taken him 13 years but he has helped me heal so much
After decades of family gaslighting, "Your mother loves you, really, she just doesn't think," "She's had so many challenges," etc, etc, it is SO good to have Dr C speaking the truth! And Team Healthy who understand too! Thanks everyone!
"Your mother loves you... She just gives "tough love." Tough love, you mean abuse? Tough love isn't telling your FIRSTBORN child that the day he was born (using actual dates i.e., September 15th, 1987[not my real birthday, just an example]), is the worst day of your life.
"Your mother just had a bad childhood."
So it's okay to abuse me and ruin mine?
@@AlvinKazu I found the book Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward helpful. Every child is worth loving, even if the parents didn't love them. It's hard to forget their nasty words, but they're not worth remembering.
@@michelepascoe6068 The words aren't worth remembering, but the pain is still remembered, even though we don't want to remember it.
"The Ax forgets but the tree always remembers."
A mother who cannot love is a sick and twisted Demon.
It brings me to tears sometimes these days when I see shows and people where the mother is loving and caring, where she wants to be there for her child.
I remember reading a comic (I'm into Anime/Manga type stuff, Asian Works), and I just remember one of the mothers being there for her son, telling him it's okay and bringing him into her embrace and being there for him.
I never had that. It was always yelling, screaming, shouting... My mother was NEVER warm, never comforting.
@@AlvinKazu I'm sorry. It's so hard. Society assumes that all mothers love their children, but some don't have love in their hearts or minds. The book I mentioned above tells of 5 types of mothers who can't love, and helps one process the relationship and how to move on. I found it at a library.
I tried to win my mother's love until she died and she left 2 rejection messages for me to hear from others after her death. She alienated 3 husbands from their children and tried to turn mine against me and my husband by slander. I was afraid of her and had nightmares and day frights about her for months after she died. But I have been learning to calm my emotions (Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated to download and a daily practice to help). I learned about narcissistic abuse and how to manage it better. I let go of all my relatives who believed my mother's lies (nearly all) and learned not to JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining). Dr Carter's video Calm Confidence so helpful.
I am living a new life without bullies and wish I'd learned sooner, but so thankful I finally had answers to my life's big question "Why?!"
I hope you can find friends who reciprocate love and kindness, and practice self care and self compassion and know that it's not your fault that your mother treats you badly. You can't change her mind or behaviour.
Peace and courage to you.
I also learned that the God of the Bible, Jesus/Yeshua, loves me and His loves helped me let go of resentment about the abuse and be free of bitterness. He knows everything that happened and deeply cares about you. You are loved by Him and you can talk to Him and get to know Him as a loving Father who will never leave you or let you down.
@@AlvinKazuJust two days ago, I woke up because of a heat wave, with a dry mouth and a lot of anxiety (I don’t tolerate heat too well). I started having trouble breathing and having sort of an anxiety attack. My mom heard me and woke up. She inmediately started complaining that she had to wake up early for work the next morning, and what the fuck was wrong with me. All this said very violently. Gets up to look for me. I was trying to spray water on myself to chill and calm down. Screams at me what the fuck is wrong with me. What the fuck is the problem, why the fuck do I have to wake her up. My dad wakes up from the noise. Gets up, looks for us. Smashes the lightswitch on. Both stare at me, mad, making disappointed sounds, talking to each other about what the fuck am I doing, what is wrong with me. They talk about me like I’m not even there, calling me names. They stare from a distance while I have a panic attack until they decide they’ve bullied me enough, then just go back to sleep and leave me crying on my own. My whole life has been like this. Next day they tell my older sister about it on the phone. I hear them talk about me once again behind my back, about me being fat and having trouble with heat, about me not having a normal life, etc. My sister sent me a text message telling me to grow up and stop giving them trouble. Also told them so cut off the internet during the night so I don’t stay up. I just. I don’t know anymore.
Sad, but my father checks all of those boxes, every single one. I moved to the other side of the world to get away from him. Now, when I do have to meet him (during the holidays) I always make sure to never be alone with him, and to excuse myself the second I see him trying to get under my skin. Thanks for the videos, they're super helpful!
I have ptsd from my family at this point.
hopefully youve moved on and are getting better..sad soem peopel are just horrible people even sadder when its fmaily..
@@MeghanNystrom it’s c-ptsd
It seems to me that Authoritarian parenting is synonymous with Narcissistic parenting… this was how I was raised. And I’m doing my absolute hardest to not parent my own children this way!!
You'll get no argument from me on this comment!
That's exactly what I was thinking, as I was watching this video!
You need to tell them off. Like hardcore. Let them feel the wrath. My parent shut their mouths now. I utterly dominated them. They can either get on board or get off the boat. Period. This is my family now, my children and my future. They now silently make faces and never say a word when they disagree with me. If they dare, I will kick them out of my house. Worthless baby boomers, damn they are jealous weirdos. Mad cause I’m better of then they are. So stupid. So disrespectful.
Has anyone else heard their parent say, "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?" This was my mother's daily mantra.
"Because when I am like so-snd-so you just criticize even more and accuse me of showing off"
Oh my it is you again. Did we have the same mother?
literally. My mom used to even compare me to my friends and say “what do you think so and so would’ve done” “do you think so and so would’ve done that” she would also refer to other people as “normal” people. it was so disgusting and neglectful
Definitely heard this one.
I can picture the exact moment. I was 7 I'm now 35. I remember exactly how I felt.
This video is exactly what I've been needing. I live on my dad's "spare" property in an old house. A few months ago, he was burning leaves in the driveway and smoked me and my sons out of the house. As I was leaving, he asked where I was going. I told him the house was full of smoke and we can't breathe. He said, "I guess you can find something to do with these leaves then!!" I told him that the leaves are only bothering him and no one else. He got mad and left. So for the next week, I gather leaves and start a compost pile with them. When he asked why they were all piled up in the corner of the yard, I told him I started a compost pile. His reply? "I don't know why they couldn't have composted where they were! They compost just find in the yard!" I can never do anything right in his eyes. He is a contrarian and will say the opposite of anything I say, even if he is wrong. That is just one of so many things that have happened.
Without watching the video (yet), I wanna share a quick story about my dad. He got pretty offended that I like another type of sliced Meat and claimed that I was doing it on purpose to spite him. Happy childhood :)
Edit: Watched the video. Well I checked all the boxes! I'm right now in therapy to define myself and live in defiance of their rules. It can be horrifically destructive growing up with this type of person when they rob you of your self, worth, confidence, trust. But there is always a way out of this misery hole :)
Thanks for your encouraging words!!
Well you know the saying..."Where there's a will, there's a way"🙂.Good luck clawing your way out of that unfortunate hole, you'll be tired once you're finally out of it but you'll be darn glad you did it & proud of yourself too👍🏻👍🏻.
My narci sister once stopped by when in town (she would never sit when she visited, making sure it was rushed), and she had 2 heads of lettuce she wanted to give me, for some reason. First, i live alone, 2nd, they were romain, which i dont use or like. I thanked her very nicely but said I’d pass. ( this was a town where you had ro drive 10 minles to bring garbage to the dump…) she was angry & in ridiculous -how can you not like romain lettuce?! That was roo bizarre for her-someone having different taste had to be messed up…🙄😂
My father had me sit in front on an egg, screaming his head off that I'd eat it (I was not a fussy eater and to this day will not eat fried eggs, I cannot stand them), it went on for what seemed hours as I cried my eyes out. That was his modus operandi whenever he felt like it yet other times he would buy me sweets. It was incredibly confusing and stressful. He hasn't changed ✌
@@bereal6590o you eat boiled eggs? I have been through the same thing but when I turn into a teenager s forced myself to eat eggs they are cheap and easy to cook and have alot of nutrients I started eating them fried with onion now I eat them boiled
56 years . I finally HAVE GOTTEN IT ! THANK YOU DR. C !!
65 years for me. I am stunned to come to the realization that my mom is a covert narcissist. Now I find myself emotionally distancing myself from her...but now she has dementia and I'm her caregiver.......But knowing her real motives and how she affected me over my lifetime is such a relief. So many questions answered.
So glad for you both. All the best in the world!
My Narc Mother acted like the very fact of being a child - so needing to be looked after physically - that we did it to spite her and burden her. She liked having a son but felt threatened by her daughters….she was nasty when dad was at work and acted normal when he was home. I grew up ashamed to be alive and take up space on the planet. Getting good grades was the only potential route to approval as having clever kids reflected well on her, yet I was called lazy if I came second in class. Getting top grades would then ignore me and act like I said nothing so praise withheld. I have worked hard to heal all this and value kind people highly as well as developing kindness, grace and courage in myself.
same exact thing with my father, like he was purposely trying to sabotage my happiness. I finally figured it out at 38 yrs old. I said as a kid I'd rather live with my aunt and uncle, they're family felt like teamwork instead of him vs. me. narcs are COWARDLY pathetic 💯💯💯🎯
The most painful thing my mother did to me was not the gaslighting and manipulation, but her rejection of my gifts. You see, I never lost hope of pleasing her. Every time I made her a gift on her birthday, she would get annoyed and angry at how useless and tasteless it was, and would make me return it to the store. (Most gifts are 'useless' in the practical sense, aren't they?) It was as if she was denying my very ability to love her. Now I see that she regarded my gifts as an attempt to compete with her, to challenge her 'love' with my own. It was like being imprisoned for life without the possibility of parole because I could never, ever, repay her love with anything of mine. To deny a child's ability and very right to love is the most harmful thing a parent can do.
same wouth my mother. she refuse gifts or anything i want to give her. i was always hurt and confused why she cannot be appreciative of me. she accepts my siblings gifts except from me. but now i truly understand..
You know your dealing w a narc if they pull that parental alienation card on you 😵💫… and they’ve never been involved w the child’s life
totally know this first hand. He didn’t have any interest in my interests, never taught me any life lessons so Google was my parent when i had to learn to fix my car, the deck, and all sorts of things inc. personal finances, so i grew up doing them myself all my life.
Didn’t like my choice of college goals so i put myself thru regardless of his “offering” to cover the tuition etc.
Mom passes, and not even a couple months go by he tells me “Been thinking of disinheriting you, we have nothing in common”. I wouldn’t totally agree with that, he taught me how to be miserable, suspicious, and have trust issues.
15 for 15. Batting a thousand in my family's home growing up. And trying to break that cycle, boy do they not like that.
Both of my parents were traumatizing narcissists, and recognizing the effects of that on my relationship patterns and sense of self has been quite challenging! This video was validating and informative.
Gus looks so peaceful. You can tell he wasn't raised by a narcissistic parent!
My mom checked all the boxes besides the last one of the silent treatment, nothing silent about her lol she still behaves the same way 30 years later. All of my siblings & I have distanced ourselves from her. She of course plays victim & claims we’re all ungrateful and she doesn’t deserve this. It’s truly like dealing with a grown up child. I’m glad I have been learning about this phenomenon because I recognized in my learning a lot of narcissistic mentalities I was starting to form in my late teen/early adult years seemingly as a survival tactic. I always felt like people were untrustworthy, had ulterior motives, or were just going to bite me in the ass somehow. It’s a hard thing to overcome & I feel for anyone else brought up in the same style
# 8: I admit. Having pizza with my son in a restaurant located in a mall. I noticed he was lifted a piece of pizza with his knife and put the piece in his mouth. I told him I had taught him better and that I was embarrassed. My son, 20 years, smiled and said:" I have done this many times, but you have not noticed." Then we laughed.
It is ok to tell your child what you do not like, but it is not ok to disrespect your child.
I do not want to write about my mom more than she ticks every item 1-15. This video means a lot to me, it helped me to understand how much more support I would have needed as a child. It is not too late to grow.
My mother would have berated me for doing that and try to attach some moral bullshit to why I shouldn’t be eating pizza with a knife.
Yes, this list is only scratching the surface of so many damaging behaviors of narcissisistic parents, Dr C. One of the most despicable that I have witnessed is intentionally raising children to be incompetent so that they will be financially dependent upon them and they can maintain control over their lives even in adulthood. 🤢 Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕
Yup ✌
I find it hard to believe that there is such an intention, incompetence comes as a side efect not as something planned.
@quebrandomitos5910 There are other videos by Dr. C and other experts that would help you to understand the insidious nature of some narcissists.
The undermining of confidence by the narc parent, the constant expectation of perfection, the emotional vacancy, the belittling/dismissal of achievements of the child are some of things that distort the foundation the resulting adult will stand on. These wounds cripple the ability of that adult to achieve the life potential he/she would otherwise have realised.
I know! My parents insist on making me less. It’s almost comical at this point and my wife just shakes her head and says “do they have any idea how much you make?” I said “No, they just know what I do and decide for themselves who I am and my income” because it doesn’t matter to them. They want me to be in a box where I am less so they can be more and insult my business. Strange people, very insecure and very delusional parents. Divorced 25yrs ago, no wonder. Selfish pricks. Lol
A student at my school said “I’m just being ungrateful” yet they don’t know my mom is a narcissistic person. Total disgusting how somebody judges me and they don’t even know what I’m going through.
It's as if this man knows my "mother".
You know Dr. Carter my dad has NPD and everything is everyone else's fault. He cannot take accountability. All of those that you have listed is definitely the way the role was in my childhood and still. He has lost all of his children and my mother. I have been able to speak my mind and his response was I didn't lose them, they lost me😢. He is 82 years old and it has gotten worse with age. Thank you for your expertise for I am healing because of your videos and acceptance. God bless
This video describes my father he is very manipulative , double standard , selfish , competive , disrespectful , narcissistic , non apologetic but expects apology back if they feel you disrespected them In someway , silent treatment , financial abuse , using triangulation between siblings or other family members etc .
Exactly I was always wondering WHAT DID I DO NOW? you really don't have to DO or SAY anything they get their jollies from seeing you confused and suffering emotionally and mentally and if the feel like it they will throw in physically depending on the child's age most of the time!! Very good video Dr. C❣️
I have cPTSD. I believe I am a vulnerable narcissist. My childrens' father is a covert narcissist. It is my responsibility to not only be the lesser of the evil but to work to break this cycle. I do not deserve the children I have who keep me focused on the future when I begin to live in guilt. I have two choices every day: Push my children away for their own good or show them I want to be a better person, then be it. I take this responsibility very seriously but sometimes wish I could quit. What keeps me honest is this: I always said that I understood my parents' pain but could never let them off the hook for making it mine.
Extremely well said
You're a good egg. I wish my mum was more like you ..
When I got picked up qfter running away (due to abuse) my mom's first words were "how could you do this to me"
Having spent years homeless, I noticed that so many of us preferred it over the families we came from. It is a major cause of homelessness and run away(s). It is good you found this while you are young. Best of luck dear :)
As opposed to, Let's talk about how it came to this. (calmly)
Checking off the list, and basically I’ve checked off all of them. One big one stood out, she never apologizes at all! It’s so sad.
My mom will, but she will cry and turn it around to make you feel bad because she feels bad, for her apology. Typical psycho.
My father meets each of these.
I am leaving the relationship forever. I have spent decades putting up with this toxic individual and want to be in peace.
I am so grateful for your lectures and I love seeing your little dog!
They exhibit jealousy and envy at the child, the child's toys, talent etc.
Yes yes yes and yes. My father! 100%
Yes as a kid I built this huge lego car and my narc dad could not admit I built it he said he built it lol it's absolutely ridiculous.
Christ is Risen Dr. Carter! Thank you for this recording on narcissistic parents. Personally, I think that living with a narcissistic parent is like one living with a chronic, debilitating disease.
Christianity/New Testament/go-SPEL belief is the perfect religion for a narcissist. They get to cast their sins onto a innocent.
@@amandak9945 ..the Tanakh erroneously known as the Old Testament is the exact opposite of someone else dying for sins. It teaches to take responsibility for your own sins and to repent. No one can die for the sins for another. It’s about growing into a better human being. Most narcissists I know are NT /go-SPEL believers.
bingo!💯🎯
I pray there will be more awareness and support in society for people who were raised by narcissistic parents. 💔 these people are abusers and destroyers. It is heartbreaking to know I have no biological family that I can trust, and knowing the best decision for my well being and healing is to cut them from my life completely. sending so much love to everyone who has gone/is going through this ❤💔
agreed!! stay strong and become stronger, I'm in the same boat!💪🏾💪🏾💜
Dr C, I cannot thank you enough. Being 59, it was through my weird narcissistic romantic relationship that I started to get informed on this topic and realized that my mother is a textbook case. Now old and helpless, she still does no 8 and 10 almost every day to me. I have counted 12 or 13 out of your 15 points from the checklist. Recently, I have been getting angry at myself for reacting strongly whenever she tries to push and break my newly built boundaries. It's exactly what you mentioned, the tone of voice that I have to learn to control and the choice of words as well. This video is totally eye-opening, thank you thank you🙏🖐️🧡
You are so welcome.
I’m in a sort of hell now. Things are falling apart. It’s necessary, but so painful. My son is 45 and beginning to look hard at the truth of his life. I am still married to his father.
I have no explanation for why I’m still here. It’s so bad, it’s been mostly bad . I feel sick about the things that happened to my son and I “had to” go along with it or things got ugly.
On the flip side, we have albums full of lovely family vacation photos etc. But the day to day, month to month, year to year drama, has damaged some of the best little kids you ever met. They are now adults and parents and at least one of them is a narcissist too! Heartbreaking for me.
I am stuck in the past, wanting to make things right , but can’t.
@@Anonymous-wy5tk sounds like you would flourish with s bit of change, a bit being an understatement. Keep going anyhow
@@t-knitting Thanks. It’s true, I do need change. As I said, my life is messed up. Where to go and what to do with few resources . I’ve been looking into a place of my own but it’s hard to think of leaving my home. I’m 68 in a few weeks.
@@Anonymous-wy5tk I understand. These narc therapist folks have the term radical acceptance. It might apply as help , seems to me.
Dr. C, The narcissistic father of my 4 grandchildren, is every one of these points that you made in todays video. He has so far succeeded in his Parental Alienation tactics with my 15 yr old grandson, and working on it with 3 younger sisters. His attempt to make his live in girlfriend the new mother, their affair destroyed the marriage) and completly eliminate their mommy from their lives is his main goal. It is astonishing how he blames everyone else for his own misdeeds.
I feel bad sometimes and even miss my narc family but since I cut them out of my life I finally have the freedom to live my life and do the most basic things in life most take for granted like make $$ without being sabotaged. Thank you and your channel learned so much from you. You sound like Dr. Phil but Your wayyyy better! 😂
Wow😅
😢
😮
agreed!! my father refused to pay 1/3 of the tuition for a great private school where I received a scholarship and hes loaded with $$ yet soon as I finished at a trash high school he demanded $800 per month rent. sabotaging is the narcs #1 tactic!💯💯🎯
Even for non-narcissistic parents (I mean not full blown narcissist), it's very common for kids to exist to fulfill the needs of the parent. Though they don't see it that way at all of course. It just strikes me how this is more common than not. Just a lot worse in narcissist parents.
Yea boomer parents where collective narcissism and vanity became almost a requirement. It was all part of the commie indoctrination program
I think I have experienced this. My dad isn’t a narcissist, but I do think he has shown some of those traits. For example, there was a period of time when I was a teenager where he demanded me and my brother to greet him and hug him when he came home from work. Is this actually normal? Maybe he felt he wasn’t appreciated enough or he saw something on tv from his childhood where it seemed a little more common to do that? It’s not normal for a teen to greet their dad as though he was a king.
@@Dj.D25 It is also not normal for a teen to ghost his parents in the street or supermarket. That's what WE lived through.
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER True, many teens are embarrassed to be around their parents in public. I noticed growing up they would rather stay home or be with friends.
@@Dj.D25 Our son wouldn't even greet us which is highly disrespectful. SMH
Clear. Okay, they got a full house, top marks... Shame it was for a 'Narcissistic parent check list'... Oh my, oh my.
Thank you Dr Carter for all the clarity, difficult to hear but true. Your work and clarity is helping me to recover and come home to myself. But, oh my. the gas lighting was all pervasive, no wonder I couldn't even trust who i was. I see now, I am clear.
Thank you Dr C' and Gussy dog too : )
Whenever I tried to discuss anything that might put my narc in a bad light she would immediately go to the bathroom sit on the floor and put a bag over head threatening to kill herself. This has happened 20+ times.
The topic I wanted to discuss with here (that would put her in a bad light) was her cheating on me at school as soon as I dropped out (we went to school together). Her response was to run away and put a paper bag over head threatening to kill herself. This ridiculousness has taken its toll on my sanity.
In my opinion these people are reptiles with unlimited remorseless evil, there will be no convincing them in my opinion. I'm a shell of my former self and am currently escaping. Good luck everyone.
agreed!! stay strong and become stronger, no contact is the best way!💪🏾💜...🚫
My mother had many but not all of these characteristics. The hardest for me to accept was that she despised me, and had no respect for me. She often threatened to cut me off and in the end she did cut me off. I could have been dead in the gutter for all she knew.
It's not as though I am a criminal or a drug addict. I am quite a vulnerable person, but hardworking and educated. I managed to become a professional and own my own home. So I am a fully functional decent and contributing member of society. But I was treated as a criminal by my family, simply for speaking the truth.
Well.. u have just described a lot of my childhood years, like my dad would never let me argue with him and if so, he would always have the last word and in case he didnt, he beated the s*** out of me with all kind of objects, whatever is closer to him, could be a shoe, a belt, a branch of a tree called "privets",etc. Other way of "discipline" was making us get down on our knees on top of sand for no time limit, it could be half and hour, 2 hours. His mindset was like, when u do wrong u get disciplined, when u do right, nothing good happens because thats what u should do, never a compliment when we achieved a goal or just any good gesture to cheer us. He was never close to us sentimentally, the only time he said "i love you" to me was when i was leaving his house after a fight, cause i was tired of the way he treated me, that was the only time in my 29yo life he said it, and im glad i recognized he was trying to manipulate me and i just left.
We are 3 male sons, 2 of us have left the relationship with him and he talks about us to people or posts in social media braging about our goals while he doesnt even talk to us. For outsiders he is dad of the year. I think nobody really know he doesnt talk to us, i actually dont know what he has being saying but people send him greeting for us and he acts just normal. He cant say im sorry, he just cant. He lost two sons and never say sorry, never. Always find a way to prove he's right (in his mind own obviously).
So, i made the list and this is what i got:
1 ✅
2 ✅
3 ✅
4 ✅
5 ✅
6 ✅
7 ✅
8
9 ✅
10 ✅
11 ✅
12 ✅
13 ✅
14
15 ✅
I've been in a couple for a few years now and she is starting to talk about having a kid you know, and im so scared of it because of this, i just dont want to make the same things my dad did to us, i know i have to change things inside me to being able to raise a child on a healthy way, i look at my dad and i know i dont want to be like him, not even close. I've changed a lot of stuff, my couple has helped me to talk about a lot of things, and i just want to keep changing to a better person. Thank u for your work, ill keep watching for sure, im crying u know, relief i think it is. I barely cry, only when i think about my mom, its hard to me to show vulnerability. Sorry if my english is not good enough, i did my best. Cheers man, and again, thank you.
Same thing I learned from my father from when I was young 💯 I always said over and over I will never ever treat my kids the way I was treated and now that I'm a grown women and a mother of three, I can proudly say I broke the cliché of history repeating itself. I love my kids more than anything, more than myself and always have treated them with nothing but love. Proud that I did not turn into him instead I became better than him. My kids are full of love and kindness and I'm so proud of them.
My heart goes out to everyone that had to deal with such an awful childhood with a narcissistic parent. Big hugs to you and yours! 🫂 We've made it!! 🙏
Have a beautiful & blessed day Everyone 🌻
blessings to u and urs!🙏🏽💜💜💜
Both my husbands parents were narcissistic, hence my husband is a covert narc and siblings are all afflicted with some type of personality disorder. However, none of them see their parents as being anything but good, and laugh at what I feel and felt as abnormal behavior. There was verbal abuse, physical abuse from the dad, and thrown in the mix was the “I love you”, kisses upon greeting each other, and cold and hot behavior from both parents. My mother in law would talk to me about her daughters kids, her grandkids, very negative ugly comments. Never to their faces, and when they were around would act ok but very impatient with all the grandkids. Nobody ever saw anything wrong with this type of behavior except me, and I was told numerous times, “you just don’t like my family”. It took me many years to discover that this family if a family of narcissists and maybe that is why they have accepted the behavior from the parents as ok. It was very difficult because I was made to feel like I was in the wrong, they were “normal, loving and a very close family.” I just can’t understand how the grown kids think that they had such wonderful parents. None of them have healthy relationships, some turn to alcohol and drugs and the saddest thing is one sister committed suicide at the age of 37. I’m not saying her death was because of the family dysfunction but I’m sure it didn’t help. When I read comments about children of narcissistic parents, it seems they acknowledge the dysfunction and want a better life for themselves and their children. Is it the inconsistency of acceptance, then gaslighting, shaming and then “we’re a loving family”, but you will do as I say and if not you’re not my favorite today? My grown kids want nothing to do with any of them and I am the same way. It’s the most bizarre, mind f………ry, farce they put on for the outside world but once the front door closes the masks come off and you see the truth.
bingo!💯🎯
My NF is 92, lives in MY house and has been shunning me for 7 years now. I despair. You can't tell anyone this. It just makes you look bad. It's a relief to just write it here
Thanks for sharing this. If it makes you feel any better, I have a very difficult 94yo father who lives 6 minutes away and it's not always easy or pleasant. And to your point, it's hard to explain it to someone who is not experiencing the same.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you x
Both of my parents had all of these traits. It’s a wonder how I survived. Still trying to heal. Grieving the loss of childhood is tough. Doing something fun everyday as self - care.
❤
Sounds like a great plan to me. Think I'll try it myself. ❤
keep on doing all the fun things you like to do every day and taking good care of SELF!
bingo!!🙏🏽💜
Why learn life by trial and error. Why not teach what works in the schools.
What should they know before messing up their life by trial and error. That is the question.
How about a working relationship.
Why wait to the end of ones life to learn what you can know presently.
Professionals like Dr Carter and many in his field is the answer. There is help.
I feel so sorry for my mother. I know she was treated horribly but just didn't grow up at a time when therapy was even an option. It doesn't justify anything that has happened since. But I will always feel sad for her. And that is hard to deal with.
I found out that my narc Mom set me up for failure during my childhood by insisting that I be placed in math classes when I did not have the foundation for upper level courses. The fact that my basic lack of understanding was well documented, still she demanded of my school administrators that I be placed where I had no business being placed. I was lost, and great was her rage and her public “humiliation”. She has never forgiven me for not living up to her standards.
This is exactly how my malignant narcissistic father behaved and now I am seeing it in my covert spouse. I was so fooled because they were different but I couldn't understand why I felt that something was off. Thanks to Dr. C I now see the truth!
I would like to say hello, again, to everybody. My recovery has been slow but steady, and I was optimistic until this week when all of my HVAC tools were stolen. Now I'm full of Hatred-anger, and I can't stop thinking that real life is still BAD
My father is a sociopath. All through my childhood, he was in competition with me and my siblings. If I got a good job, I better not be making more than him. If my mom wanted time with me or her family, he would make her feel guilty and criticize her family. He would fake cry to manipulate her. I got rid of him. No regrets.
What do you mean you got rid of him?
Poor choice of words. Lol. I ended all communication. He still tries to contact me and my siblings, but no one is willing to go through that abuse.
I'm hesitant to share my personal experiences in the comments, or frankly anywhere else. But oh boy, this checklist sure does ring true to me. Thank you Dr. C.
Yes. How they dominated or/and undercut things, she so persistently and so sneaky, he with emotional and physical beatings.
I deliberately chose, by about age 10, to NEVER have children, to not pass this along, as I knew I would have done--what other patterns did we have? It ends with me. It ended with me.
Dr. C, please keep on bringing this out. Your validation, and your information for healing from this hellish miasma is so helpful. There are so many aspects, from 20 years of relentless abuse, sometimes reminding me of things I've forgotten, well I don't remember much about childhood, it was so awful, I need to hear it in different words, and sometimes over and over, to get it. Keep teaching: I'll keep listening.
Thank you, bless you. And Gus.
may blessings be unto you. stay strong and become stronger 💪🏾💪🏾💜
Me too, about having children. It has taken me past the beginning of menopause to try to understand and get a handle on what causes me so much anxiety. I knew that it wouldn't be fair to anyone to have children and am still taking baby steps to get these thoughts ('What did I do wrong?, etc) out of my head. My ex-father's entire family - ALL of them are raging narcissists. His mother was voted 'Most Conceited' in her high school class, and she was really proud of it. Born to the president of a small bank in south central Florida during the Great Depression, his mother really made the mold. My brother and I were not allowed to call her 'grandmother' as we were told she didn't want to think of herself as old. Conceit. She also didn't want us in the family as my mother saw the light and got the hell out pretty early. Unfortunately, a 17 year old who *someone* got pregnant in high school in the late 60s had a rough shot at trying to support us as a single mother of two. I think there is a book in here somewhere...
I have to add in that I haven't seen much discussion about alcohol abuse mixed in here. My father is/was a raging alcoholic as well. It was pretty traumatic.
Hoo boy. Yes. The damage they do. I've worked on this my whole adult life, now in my 70s. I'm coming to the conclusion that I did NOT do anything to cause that treatment. It's on them, and clearly down through the generations. Well it stopped with me.
Dr. C, how, how, to forgive? And who?
Learn to suppress. 💯 When I was younger, my teachers n coaches always told my mom how well I handed criticism. My mom was so ‘proud’ of that and used to brag to others about how ‘tough’ I was. Nope. Not true. I was so emotionally suppressed and beat down, I never reacted to criticism. I would just stand there till the criticism was over, no emotion. But I NEVER handled it well on the inside.
may blessings be unto you. these people are horrendous!🙏🏽💜
So much trauma, still happening at 68 yrs old , mom now lives with me, elderly with Parkinson's and when I told her some of the things she said and did, her answer was I think your making this up, I don't remember any of that😢 I really needed this. Thank you
@amandak9945 finances, she is kind to my youngest daughter so she will be spending the summer there. I really need a break, I'm handicapped as well as my husband. So I'm gonna take time to recoup😊
Always watch your videos; there are narcs everywhere and your work has really helped me recognize narcissists when they show up: I have learned how to not react, and when it is time to go no contact. Thank you (wish I knew this 50 years ago, but better late than never)!
So pleased for you, Bonnie!
Top marks to mum - she achieved all 15 traits. I've had to completely separate from her as an adult. No contact, too risky to my mental health and the mental health of my kids.
Thank you for another good video. I am glad millions of people are waking up to this disorder and we have good support sites like this one to validate our experiences.
Great healing comes when one raises one's own child the way one would have liked to have been raised.
Narcissistic abuse has devastating and long term consequences for a persons sense of self (or lack of - once the abusive parent has had their way). Thankfully with therapy and plenty of self care, survivors can find peace and live a healthy and meaningful life.
Very good food for thought. Describes my childhood.
This sounds like a must watch
I've been suffering this for about 27 years as the youngest of four, as the "scapegoat". I've struggled a lot trying to find my way out from this house, and hopefully next year will be the time to leave. 😮💨
1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 14, 15
A few of them were tricky but I remembered incidents in early childhood where they rang true. The emotional neglect was the worst, I have so many mental health issues now because of it.
Another, um, mission of mercy, will keep me out at time of premiere. Perhaps this can help my kids, so I'll watch when I can, for their sake.
Love you, Aaron!
@@SurvivingNarcissism And all of us, having experienced a narcissist, would want our kids to benefit from what we have learned here.
#1 to me was triangulation. Yes to the criticism. Thank you Dr. c🥰🙏🏼 Therapy for overwhelming anxiety and videos such as yours have been a great blessing!
Ps Gus looks extra handsome today🐕💕
Mine is 93! They seem to have longevity! I’m 64 and need my own life as my own
Lol mine is 83, and people will ask me hows your mom? I always tell them in better shape than me she will outlive all of us, she's to mean to die!!
This is true. It’s a horrible feeling that the only way you’ll get peace is to not have them around anymore. No one who hasn’t this sort of family member understand so it’s only certain people I confide in 😢
My ex’s mom is a narcissist, my ex is a narcissist, and I was emotionally and mentally abused by both of them. She was my first love, I loved her immensely and compromised most of the toxic behavior. She let me go and thank god I’m free now!
Thank you so much for this very helpful video, Dr. C. I was well into my adult years before I understood anything about my narcissistic upbringing. Once I started learning about it, so many things that I didn’t understand as a child began to make sense. A very eye-opening and empowering experience. Thank you for all the education on this very important topic.
Thank you.
This was a painful episode but delivered with incredible validation.
Thank you so much!
I’ve only come to the realization that I grew up with a narcissistic father recently and am still processing everything.
It took me years away from said person and lots of conversations with loved ones to realize how much damage it has done to me, maintaining that relationship and actually being trapped in that psychological prison, even though I live on the other side of the globe now.
As you said in the end, it’s food for thought! It’s such a complicated thing finding out the people that set you back in life the most are still so dear to you. But moving on is necessary.
Sorry about the long rant and thanks again! ✌🏼
Indeed, moving on is necessary. Thanks for the comments, Rafael!
Damn, you described my mother better than I ever could
I love that the dog has a rug or blanket to lay on and he's on the upholstery 🐕 😆
It's a guy thing.
Thank you I appreciate your videos like this Dr Carter
You are very welcome!
I'm not perfect, and I just keep running into triggers which sometimes send me into spirals. This is distressing when it happens with my partner and we accidentally trigger each other, because right away I'm looking for danger, and when you look for it, you see it everywhere. But I think that little bit by bit I'm getting better. I'm more emotionally stable, and I get over upsets more quickly, and my partner and I really do communicate well. We can analyse a bad situation within that very conversation.
I'm determined to keep learning, to keep seeing where those triggers are and deactivate them as much as I can, and learn to avoid those that I can't deactivate. Peace and harmony is not some perfect place that you get to and then relax. It's a work in progress.. and I like the work. It makes me happy and it heals.
Thank you so much for the work you do, Dr C, and for giving hope to all of us survivors.
My covert nerc mom actually left behind journals letting each child know how they had disappointed her! A last kick in the teeth from beyond the grave!
I had to stop watching after you mentioned DISCIPLINE because I got triggered!. My mother's DISCIPLINE of myself and my sister was to literally beat us with a leather belt, with holes in the belt, while we were completely NAKED, while screaming at us to "stay still". The more we moved around, the longer and harder she hit us. The belt left marks all over our bodies. After a while, my sister didn't get "beatings" but I did. My sister fought back, but I was too terrified of her to fight back. The last time she actually put her hands on me was in 1988 when I was 20 years old. This time, I fought back!. Now, it's all verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. But, I'm still fighting back. I have very little to no contact with her whatsoever. I'm 55 now.
Please know I was "disciplined" in a similar way. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism 😳🥺 Thank you Dr. C. Your response and validation is comforting. I'm so thankful I found your channel, and I'm looking forward to healing 😊.
I am glade I ran across your video. This too was my own conclusions. I’ve been studying this and how it affects stage physical body. And researching how to correct these. My soul purpose, is to do what you explained, change the cycle.
I'm glad to be on the path with you.
My father checks off on all those 14. He is still alive and the only thing that has changed is that he notices that I notice and that I know better how do deal with and anticipate his behavior.
It’s also sad that people in family do not acknowledge the damage caused by such a relationship and how it has sent down wrong paths.
They blame the one calling out the evil.
Number 14 - "if your not with me, your against me"
My dad would tell me this all the time. It's only made me more fearful of going around him because if he feels you're against him, he'll do everything he can to attack you first.
He believes that I'm going to shoot him 5 times in the chest because a friend of his died that way. I'd never do that, I have no reason to despite everything he's done to me but I'm afraid he's going to get me first so I can't get him.
And he wonders why I don't want to talk to him anymore. My parents have been trying to get a hold of me for the past month but I'm so done dealing with them. My mom has been the victim of my dad's narcissism to the point she will stand by him no matter what.
I've heard "he's getting better" a thousand times and it's never been true. If he were actually getting better he'd stop stalking my mom at work because he still thinks she's cheating. Which to my knowledge, she's never done. All I know is that she talked to another guy but it's none of my business
Good to hear this. Hindsight is fine sight. The ex said " I've created a mini me and he's a monster" about our adult son. I told the ex no you haven't he's his own person. I may be biased but my son is a well rounded/ grounded man, thank God.
Your ex was projecting his own issues onto your son. I also loved that you said “MY son” because it sounds like he truly is by taking after you
@@pennyclark3356 Yes, the ex was projecting his own issues onto my son. He's truly a good man ( not perfect, but would never knowingly hurt anyone ) I'm blessed. Thank you for your kinds words...
I never know where I stand... When I was in therapy my therapist said my emotional needs were not met that's why I heard I isolate myself when I can't cope. It upsets my partner and friends.😢❤😢❤
Great advice Doc! My daughter and I are living with an NPD mother! I can cope with this, but my daughter is finding it hard😢
This checklist is SPOT ON! I will be sending it to a few relatives on the other side of "my pond' to see how they relate. So insightful. Thank you once again for all the great content and information. Dr. Carter.
Thanks, Valerie. I hope it sheds light for your relatives!