Narcissistic Parents: Things They Are Completely DELUSIONAL About
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- Опубликовано: 9 июл 2024
- In this video, I talk about things your narcissistic parents are completely delusional about. Learning about these delusional behaviors will provide you with strategies to navigate through the confusion they create, supporting your self-differentiation journey as you develop a healthier sense of self away from their distorted perceptions.
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10:54 - Thank you for settling a huge debate in my head. It's obvious, from this one thing, that my parents did know they were abusing me and just didn't care. They may not want me to think or realize that, but that doesn't change the fact that it's true. They did know better, they chose to abuse me, outright. The fact that they'll never admit to that, openly, is just more abuse on their part. And they have the nerve to go around preaching about "God" or whatever. Disgusting.
My 90 year old mother said, when I asked her why she was so determined to intervene in my older 60+ year-old sibling's life choices (where he lives, his job choices, etc), that she is the "matriarch" of the family. She has this fantasy that her offspring owe her obedience and deference, even if she has very little or no idea of the reality of their daily lives. She highly resents the fact that I have my own family, which includes my spouse and my brothers and sisters in-law who've been part of my life for 35 years. They're "outsiders" and it surprises and bothers her any time I refer to them as family, even though I have strong, long-term relationships with them. It's as though she sees it as a contest, instead of the blessing that it is.
I had forever, believed that my mother was the only one that hated me. She would say awful things, often in front of my dad, and he never said anything other than, "Ok, sounds like it is time for you to go". What I realized after my mother died, is that dad felt the same as she did, but he was happy for her to be "obvious" in how she felt, while he was covert and hid behind her. Narcissists are cowards. Little children who really believe they are kings and queens and you are the dutiful subject. No contact was the best thing I ever did. It was never going to get better. I just didn't know that people like this existed and that they could be parents....my parents.
My story similar. You are not alone. I've been no contact for 35+ years... best thing I ever did. 🎉
My story too. I went no contact a couple of years ago and it was the best thing I could have done. My other siblings have totally sided with my parents, so I went no contact with them too! 🎉😂🎉
Remember similar feelings myself, father eventually used that exact same line on me when I confronted his narcissistic habits and statements. "Time for you to go now." Fine by me. No contact is the only cure. I only wish I had been more distant, not used the phone at all. No longer do I regret missing all the holidays. I used to feel a bit guilty as I aged. But giving my mother the benefit of doubt turned out to be a HUGE mistake.
It’s taken me awhile to figure out that my father hates me as much as my mom. And that he actually believes that im the bad one.
This is my father. He would enable her and whenever she would attack me he would say, after defending myself by sticking up for myself against her abusive words, "fighting back is just going to make things worse..."
And then when I finally asked him after years of this BS "Why do you never stick up for me and just sit there and always tell me to not fight back instead of stopping her?"
He says "I'm doing it to HELP YOU."
TO HELP ME?
LMAOOOO.
Or worse, he would run and hide like a coward and child in his room while mom was busy yelling and screaming at me.
These people are EVIL, guising it as ":Love"
They want all the rights but none of the responsibilities.
...& then wonder why things eventually go down in 🔥.
💯
Yes you summarized it so perfectly👌
In therapy with my older sister she said to me and my therapist, "I bullied you because I'm your sister it's my right it's just what older siblings do."
Then later in the session she said, "You keep ghosting me every few months with no explanation."
😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅
@@PassionateFlower Why are you going to therapy with a person that appears to be narcissistic & lacking in empathy🤔?????????Generally around here we tend to recommend going no-contact when possible & certainly avoiding trying to do any type of therapy with them because they typically just try to gaslight you as well as the therapist.
Their belief that they're the eternal victims of their disloyal, ungrateful and otherwise terrible daughter -- yep. That's a delusion.
Oh, just wait until they lie to police and judges about you, claiming that you tried to hurt them or threatened them or whatever, even falsifying "evidence" against you, and fool at least one judge into taking out an order against you. They'll do it, too. You'd never believe it of them until they do it and you're sitting there across the court room from your Mom, watching her purger herself, and you're thinking, "I can't believe this is the same woman who raised me to be a good person, and now here she is, sitting there, lying to some judge about how terrible I supposedly am." It's absolutely disgusting, and what's worse is that even when the judge eventually figures out that she's abusing our legal system, he doesn't have her put in jail for contempt of court. Maybe no one wants to see a parent behind bars for forever, but a few nights in the slammer would do these narcs some real good.
I am wondering at this point if removing SELF from the inheritance would remove the chaos. It's hard to put this into words but it is a question worth asking.
@@t_nels me and my brother, we had a farm in the countryside of Brasil to inherit from my father, the worst narcisist of our parents🙄 he putted the property in our names, with the clause that he could live there until he dies. Buuut...we've always considered it his farm, never claimed anythint. Buuut...we grew up hearing that that the farm was ours, cause he is an enginner, knew nothing about farming, were tired of all the problems he had there, that we should move there and manage it, so he could be free to do what he wanted, and, he never lived there, we've only spent holidays there. So we both, focused our lives in preparing to be able to, some day, run the farm. So we did, and eventually i left a stable life in Rio, and my brother left his studies in Germany, so we could move to the f*** farm, in order to take care of it, cause our father had just retired and moved there, and couldn't spend a single day without calling us and complaining abou life there. So one would guess, once we were there, he would leave the managing to us and relax, right? Well, you know how a narcisist operates, so, two years after that, we were all broke, me and my brother were the worst enemies and i was in s deep and dark depression. So i met my husband to be and he opened my eyes to the situation, i moved out and searched for a lawyer, in order to formely decline the inheritance. Well, that done, i've married, move far away, and, long story short, he lives besides me now, pretends nothing happens and hoover my husband in a daily basis now. Things got worse, he is much older and now i have nothing to inherit.🎉
Or son
@@gisellewisdomdavey5554 I had to edit my comment above because it was incomplete and so please look again. I was asking about if removing myself from their Will would chill a lot of the upcoming slander from a aging parent.
When i was a kid my abuser pulled the "honor thy father and mother" card, so i pulled an uno reverse and said "fathers, be not a burden unto your children"
And thats when the fight "started" 😂
Truth teller! 😂❤
"Fathers, do not provoke your children, to anger...." push them so far they want to delete themselves.
My Father used this on me frequently. You used a great rebuttal. I am no contact now, but if ever given the chance I will say this back!
It's true. The Word says that parents are not to provoke their children...
@@smustipher They poopoo that. It means nothing to them. They're counting on what they're quoting meaning something to you but don't necessarily care about it beyond its use as a tool.
Don't apply normal rules to an abnormal relationship. Gold.
Never love what hates you.
... Otherwise it's like a goldfish in a open bowl that ❤️ a 🐈.
Ooh, never heard this.
@@malwads1836great vivid picture.
They expect you to be just like them with the same interests and abilities without actually teaching you anything; they expect you to magically have it in your DNA as if you're just a clone. They don't treat you like a person, but as an extension of their egos. It's maddeningly pathetic.
💯
Yes!
Honouring evil is not exactly what they had in mind. True!
Yes, parents who break the Ten Commandments (ex. stealing, lying, committing adultery, bearing false witness against one's neighbor i.e. smear campaigns/damaging gossip) are putting themselves above God. To honor such parents is honoring their sinning above God. I'm pretty darn sure that is not following the Ten Commandments. Period.
@@mvbigmagic4048nicely said!!
My brother and I hated every day of our childhood. We couldn’t wait to be adults. It’s the worst feeling being dependent on someone who’s utterly self-absorbed, manipulative and unreliable.
Sometime I see small children trailing timidly behind some arrogant, ignorant, domineering type father and I know straight away how that poor child feels. So helpless. Looking forward to the day they can finally be an adult and get out.
My mother is 83 and this sounds like a checklist of her personality. She's needy and emotionally immature, and our interactions always feel invasive. I often have to parent her as her executive functioning and emotional regulation sucks.
Are we sisters? Sounds so familiar
@@infinitycosmos4723I'm so sorry dear....I feel incredibly fortunate that mine kicked the bucket at barely 61.
@@infinitycosmos4723 I lol'd at that. Mother Dearest is nearly 90 and is out at the crack of dawn with pilates and energy walks and a strict diet, commenting that the likes of Biden and the Pope and Clint Eastwood should "just give up already." The narc has no understanding of irony despite boasting that they know absolutely everything about everything.
Sounds just like our mother. It’s exhausting
That’s also prevalent in people with learning disabilities.
I always found it curious how it was that the terrible "bully" was always trying to get away and remain as far away from the innocent "victims" as possible, while the "victims" were always the ones insisting on having unfettered access to the "bully".
Ain't that the truth.
Hoho yes. If anyone ever actually treated my mother the way she accuses me of treating her, she’d cut them out of her life, and she’d have every right. But if I point that out and ask why she still wants me around if I’m such a terrible daughter, the answer would be because she’s such a martyr and angel. Hmm.
And when you finally have that epiphany and walk away, did the abuser suddenly start having "falls"? 🤔
This cracked me up. Isn't it crazy when an😅 insight SUDDENLY breaks through??!
@@sharonthompson672I fear that sort of punishment.. maybe not exactly falls, but I SO Know what you mean! I practicing my "I Don't Give a Dam, That is YOUR Problem" attitude, based, of course on my mother's example... Time to GIVE BACK, I say!!
I respected loved and obeyed my Narc mother yet she did everything possible to destroy me
My mother is still doing this, but I’ve called it out. You aren’t alone. ❤❤❤🤗
Exactly. It’s not about not being an obedient one, it’s their innate insecurity as the child grows up n have an individuality.
Same here. I quietly disappeared, disconnected and cut off all avenues of contact. Decades of decision making but it was the right thing to do. Could not sacrifice my mental health any more for someone who despised me.
@@artmocha9901100%. Mine treated me well until I was about 8 or 9 - me growing up and becoming my own person threatened her and that’s when the abuse got worse
@@Supershark83 Oh I WISH I'd done that!!! Just quietly faded away and disappeared, they wouldn't have even noticed!!!! I made an "official announcement". Ugh. HUGE mistake. I DO NOT recommend. 🤦
I forgive myself though, I'm still learning. Never stop learning. 🖐️♥️
Tbh, the delusion about still being a child to parents is a new one for me. I used to think that that was how people lived. And then I wondered why everyone seemed to be more independent and didn't consult mom/dad before changing jobs/partners etc. And I'm still treated like a 10-year-old while being 28 y.o. Since I started limiting my calls and visits to the family, I'm a "rebellious teen " now.
I totally get you on this one. I had to inform my parents, when I was an actual teen, that I would be making my own decisions about these things, and they were just going to have to live with them. I didn't realize it at the time, but the key here was in informing them, then going into my bedroom and locking the door, before they could argue about it. They've rarely brought either topic up with me ever since. Anyway, the key is to inform, not ask. The first time you ask for their opinion on anything, they think they own you regarding that topic. Fortunately, these days, we have the online world to go ask if we're unsure about something. We literally don't need our parents' opinions on things anymore. They were never people who could be counted on to give good opinions in the first place anyway. They act like they're all "confident" in their own opinions, given as if those are fact, but in reality, they're just making shit up and shoveling it out as if it were bricks of gold.
Stay with your decisions, you're on the right path.
I was treated like that too & it SUCKED so I know how you may feel.I can't tell you how fast I was shoving that wheelchair along to the bathroom as my old man was croaking from Melanoma at barely 61 almost ½ a year ago.I felt 0 emotion even as my mom & I squirted the morphine into his 👄 only 30 minutes or so before he stopped breathing.I know it's not nice having 1 or both parents being narcs...But a tiny silver lining is that when you go no-contact or they croak, it probably won't feel like that big of a loss to you ultimately.Best wishes & stay as far away as possible, it'll never get better with them❤️🩹💐.
@@justrosy5 If I had done that, my parents would have kicked the door in.
I’m 46 and my mother does the same.
When anyone tells you your rights are irrelevant, make sure they understand that they are now irrelevant to you. The blood of the covenant is truly thicker than the water of the womb.
My narc mother in law once said " you are going to look after me when I am older aren't you! It's only right". No way. Not me. 1 year no contact now.
I refuse to help mine, she is horrible .
My psycho narcissist dad had me give up my job and leave my state to help care for him. He then refused to compensate me for anything and then had me ARRESTED for trespassing!!! He asked me to stay with him!!!! I'm stuck in Bumbf*ck now with enabler mom with no job, money or place of my own but i do have a mugshot. No good deed goes unpunished. He's my Dad, of course, I should give up my livelihood and income to wait on him for free. And yes he has money. Like all Narcissists he's stingy as hell.
Congratulations 🙏 it only gets easier as the years go on. 8 years and counting for me and I’m the happiness and healthiest / most healed I’ve ever been. 💞
I thought I was the only one.
Did/does she intentionally make herself ill or in hospital alot..
Mine used Illness to get attention.
Yes you are ALLOWED to go NO CONTACT.
Doesn't Matter who it is..
Narcissistic parents always quote the verse on honoring them but they also fail to quote the following verse that says "parents do not promote your children to wrath" which anyone who grew up with a narc knows is a daily occurrence. My mom used to say "I could have put you up for adoption" as if it was a privilege that she kept us (which of course, it wasn't). My sister became a narcissist and I see so much of your list in how she raises her children. My nephew is almost 18 and in a recent message to me said "he's just a child." In my mind, I thought, he's 18 in less than 5 months... When is he no longer "just a child"? Because in my mind, he's basically a man.
My parents threatened to put me into foster care when I had to do homework instead of their all of their housework for them. They then locked me out of the house and my neighbor had to call the police, who turned around and told me "Obey your parents." I was 15. Also, once, when I was 4, my Dad came to me and told me that he was going to throw me out of the family for my 18th birthday.
These people are absolute monsters.
I'm a middle-aged man, but just like Sheldon Bach says in one of his books, I have a borderline tendency to feel that I'm not really a child but neither am I really an adult. The other pairs he mentions are male versus female and homosexual versus heterosexual, but these are a bit more complicated matter and don't really mean what a modern person might immediately think.
Honestly they probably just wanted the cash. That’s how my narc mom is. I’ve gone no contact and never been happier.
@@justrosy5I'm so sorry! Sadly, I totally relate. WAYYY before I knew it was illegal a s f (as in, 35 yrs ago)...if upset my mom would throw my clothes all over the lawn, lock me out of the house, turn off the power to my room, not let me eat dinner...on & on...
Little did I know it was
a b u s e...I believed the lie. Took me until I turned 40 to realize what I'd endured, but the damage was already done. 😢
My sister tried excusing my parents behavior by saying they fed, clothed, put a roof over our heads. I said that's the bare minimum. She shut up pretty quick after that, didn't have a retort.🤯 🙈🙉🙊
My mother used to say the same thing. That’s your job ….. what’s the alternative? Starving me and throwing me on the street? 😂 I’m a minor … I’m your child ….
So awful to hold these things over your own child’s head.
I am 38yrs old now and my mum told me the other day "but I paid your college". Almost 20 yrs ago!
I'm going to one up you. My mother said I Changed Your Diapers!🎉🎉🎉
Mine said “I breastfed you when it would have been easier to shove a bottle in your mouth.”
After all the shit the Boomers have done to us? They owe us that, flat out. They owe us everything, period. Our laws need to start reflecting that, too. They gave us anything after we turned 18? We shouldn't have to pay it back. We also shouldn't have those amounts deducted from various welfare programs if even when both are combined, we're still unable or barely able to pay our rent/bills. That generation F'd us over. They ought to be paying to fix that.
Same here. I offered to pay her back but she refused. Then I asked her for a written confirmation that she declined my offer and she refused to do that too. She was a stay at home mom all her life by the way - my father was the one with a paid job. He was even worse than her though ...
Thanks for sharing, I thought I’m the only one. My mom exactly said the same thing over and over again. She worked hard for paying my college but never really raised me. She raised me with all her negative comments and criticism.
My mother never respected my boundaries. I had her stay at my house for a couple of weeks while I was in the hospital. When I came home, I found out that she was talking to, and made friends with all my neighbors. I didn’t even really know my neighbors at this point, nor did I really care to get to know them. My mom still communicates with some of my neighbors, I think just to get the low down on what I am doing. I had her back to visit one time after that. When she came to visit, she immediately went to the neighbors to hang out with them, so she could put on a front and show them what a wonderful person she is. Never spent a minute with me. My dad, exactly the same.
@@shadoobie this is so completely textbook it's insulting...but mostly sad a s f. I say that bc if I don't focus on how sad it is for a person who feels compelled to do these types of things to a child, esp their own child (!!!), is pathetic. thank the heavens above that it's not you who feels this way!
my mother befriended all my friends behind my back. who's to know just how many, since I always found out in a semi-unrelated, runabout way. anyhow, the most recent, that I know of, was my bff (8yrs ago). I found out by accident after my bf suddenly passed away & my mom had given me her old phone bc mine was trash & she'd upgraded. had that ph for months... then bff asked me to text her so we could get together...that's when ALL their texts flooded in. I didn't want to know it, although i knew in my gut for yrs already. it's tough when you KNOW beyond a doubt, but the only 'evidence' you have is a gut feeling. so, I didn't say anything...I couldn't say anything. until the day I went to text my ex-bff on my mom's old phone. legit broke my heart, honestly. yet, I've only now even so much as spoken about it, and it happened 6-7yrs ago. I admit that find it pretty interesting that the one who supposedly has ALLLLLL the 'issues', is unhinged, "bi-polar", causes drama, on & on & on also just so happens to be the same person who never said a word about either of their disloyalty (my own mother AND my bff)! they're both narcs with zero place in my life. they deserve each other. good riddance, I say!
@@chickenfriedsteak9330I so feel you!😮😢
I was constantly reminded how it was her house so I couldn’t decorate my room or bathroom the way I wanted to. She would constantly say “I’m the mother you have to respect me!” She would barge into my room without knocking as a teenager. She would make sure my sister and I didn’t get along and so forth. The list just goes on and on. I’m glad I’ve gone no contact at this point because I didn’t realize how the stress of having her in my life was causing my physical health to decline as well as my mental health.
My partner's parent's have never helped him with anything, he paid for his own education, first car, deposit of his first home, they have plenty of money but would never help him, we found that out when he was at rock bottom, even though whenever they needed anything doing on their home he always helped them, they also try and tell him what to do, alway's criticising him they're horrid
They definitely *did not* do their best. It was always about power and control (as a child or as an adult child). I think people only have two choices: 1) no/less relationship 2) an abusive relationship - they won't change.
Right? It's like the actively don't want a healthy relationship with their own children! At least not from their end of things! Sure, their children have to be healthy little brick-in-the-wall "troopers" or whatever, but the sky would fall if the parents were actually healthy people or something!
Honestly if we're talking purely about mental health & well-being.....Your only option is to either communicate with them in some way & feel it gradually erode your mental health OR go no-contact for life & feel very very relieved that they're no longer harming you in various ways.
#1.. EVERYONE(Adults) believes that. "Honor your mother and father......"
So many people will SHAME the victims because the victim doesn't respect their abusers. I notice it's more adults who do this, most likely because they have family issues as well. I don't know about the younger generations doing this, because most of us have been abused.
Yes and my nickle in is that no one wants to hear it! I've my probs, my son had a social worker sniffing around (he'd put himself in the physch ward to get out of exams) and hub plus daughter went against me, normal for them, onto hub getting us a lawyer, son also, omg delays delays at court and finally let go onto our daughter still trying to convince me I'm off, no contact, oh ya, even her b-day, taste of her own medicine which undoubtedly doesn't taste very good, unbelivable!
Yep!!! My husband was in deep denial when I was coming out of the fog and it turns out his parents were immature, too. I didn't see it my entire marriage because I was so busy attending to my parents "needs". My husband couldn't see it either. I truly believe when people come from good solid families they will not tell someone "but that's your parent".
@@ThePinkPantha21 ~Well, most of the people who are saying this are probably from good families, thus they cannot comprehend how someone could hate their parents.`
Why would someone who had an incredible family life, be able to SEE THROUGH THE LENS of someone who was abused their entire lives?
They have no idea .
It's pure ignorance, but it's not their fault.`
They just don't know any better.
10:54 my favorite response when anyone compares hardships is "suffering isn't a pissing contest, and even if it was, you wouldn't want to win." Short, sweet, validates people used to being invalidated, and invalidates the idea that being the king of suffering gives you the right to attack others. 🎉
Good one! I’m so stealing that. Lol.
This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Exactly!Pain is pain no matter what kind it is ultimately, it all hurts.
Why would you want to inflict the pain you suffered on your children who you are meant to love Surely you would want better for those you love Sadly that is not always the case
There is a quote that justifies lack of compassion by saying, "if you think suffering made you turn out fine, then you're not fine. "
I grew up religious as well.
The whole "Honor thy mother and father" is, to me, basically saying you shouldn't forget those who helped you and guided you throughout life, while you are out conquering the world(since I am a man). The parents who did things for you, and helped you grow into the man/woman you are... Should be honored, taken care of, and respected.
However, my parents were the complete opposite. Not only did they NOT guide me in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, they actively damaged and broke me, got angry at me for playfighting with my brother at age 6, which she shrieked and dad came out raging and hit me, which broke me, because I didn't do anything and was blamed and attacked for no reason, confused and scared, and this made me scared to get into fights after that, because I was scared of getting in trouble, then had kids bully and pick on me while I had a mother who then in 3rd grade threatened to send me away to military school if I "Caused anymore trouble" because a girl lied about me doing something to her and her mother confronted my mother, which I only found out in my late 20's to early 30's by a father who said "Your mother defended you" which wasn't the case at all, and I realized this incident is why mom threatened me.
My entire rest of education, into college, was being scared of "Causing trouble" for my mom, and since I believed that everything was my fault, I never defended myself in case the teacher, just like my parents, never believed me. I just had to suffer and take it all in... Meanwhile angry parents constantly at home, blamed for things constantly. Every time I came home from school "Did you do your hw?" While having a father say "No one would mess with my big strong boy," while I was harassed and picked on constantly.
I realized when I entered college that I really had no skills in anything, and so many people were just so smart and had knowledge in things. I remember one "Friend" who was so good at speaking and had such an "Eloquent" way of speaking. English/language was my worst subject, but I just thought how amazing these people were. Now I realize how lacking I was, but also that it didn't matter about my speaking skills, because I didn't care about it, and many people do that to "Sound smart" I never really tried to be someone I'm not, sometimes I did do some stupid things, but I felt stupid afterwards(I would mimic others a lot so I figured if I found that cool, maybe others would too). Trying to be cool is stupid.
So I basically really never had anyone to guide me, or had parents I wanted to respect and honor. My father WAS the center of my world, my universe, my everything... But now i realize he's a ("Covert?") Narc? as well, or at least extremely dysfunctional and not caring about my needs or wants when it comes to my emotions. EVERYTHING was about mom's emotions and needs/desires/wants. We had to SATISFY MOMMY all our lives, and a father who enforced it.
Why did we have to have such evil as "parents?" Having to raise ourselves.
Alvin, you are a very talented writer! You expressed yourself so very eloquently.
My parents were very similar to yours. It took me years to get my mother's "voice" out of my head. I'm learning to use my own discernment, listen to my own intuition and love myself. So important!
Wishing you all the best, Alvin! 🙏
@@lisalacroix7906 Thank you for the kind words. I don't have much in the way of a vocabulary and speak at a basic level, but I try my best. It's like they say though, you should speak to people as if they are 6 years old, so they can fully absorb and listen to what you are saying.
As I said before, so many just speak like this to seem smart, but it's hard to have conversations with people who will try to use language as a speak.
For example having a conversation and someone goes "That's a Strawman... Ad hominum, etc, etc" like wtf, speak to me normally please.
English was created as a very confusing language. So many other languages seem to be so much easier.
It's a shame that so many of us have these types of parents. I don't know if it's their words in my head, or just the fear from the abuse that causes decisions...
I just.... don't want to be hurt again... But then I hurt myself trying to protect myself from people who are supposed to love and protect me... not hurt me...
It's beyond evil.
All the best to you.
WOMEN CONQUER THE WORLD. Men just destroy it. Next...
@AlvinKazu Alvin, you have a gift. You express truth so simply, eloquently and honestly. The way you express your truth touches me and is so very relatable and profound. I trust that the Universe has a plan where you will embrace this special gift, and assist others to express their truth through your writing.
Love & Light to you, Alvin 🙏
The word procreation means, I think, creating on someone's behalf, and I think the origin of the word implies God. In other words, they've done a bad job primarily for God and only then to you or themselves.
This is indeed my parents. They are now both 86 and I am 59. Married with grandchildren. Mom told me my whole life that she was the head of my household and always would be.
She sounds absolutely awful. Hope youre no contact!!
Both my narcissistic mother and father are poster children for narcissistic behavior... It's so bad, listening to you share was making me laugh out loud. You either laugh or cry. Thankfully, I have gone no contact.
Good for you, your mental health will be so much better without that unnecessary 💩.🌞👍🏻👍🏻
@@malwads1836 Amen to that!!
13:26 the most telling in my experience is the lack, or total absence, of insight. There’s no realistic capacity to retrospection and introspection.
That sealed the deal for me.
They simply do not dare to look in, because that would mean starting their life all over and building it up bit by bit and abandoning the chameleon personality they think they are.
And it gets so much worse as they age. :( If they were delusional BEFORE, they become insane once dementia hits. I had to go no-contact for my health, sanity, and so that I could live to take care of my own kids.
"i did the best i could" yes, but now that you know better you should at least regret that you couldn't have known and done better at the time 💔
Yes and if you had a normal bone in your body the fact that your child is tormented still might bother you a bit and lead you to ask maybe what you could do better I don't know. Narcissists I'm so glad they're so perfect
My mom said, the law says I have to clothes you, but it doesn't have to be what you like. I have to feed you, but it doesn't have to be what you like. She smoked in the car and I went to school smelling like cigarettes. I was picked on. I was 7 years old and merely said can you brush my ponytail differently and I got smacked on the top of my head with a pearl handle hairbrush and told I hate you. I didn't ask in a rude or snotty way, but I got hurt because I didn't want to be picked on at school for smelling like cigarettes and having a stupid hairstyle also. To this day if I bump my head on the top of my head I get PTSD and bawl
Are we related? Omg that sounds like how my mother treated me.
I'm so sorry you were put through this. My Mom slapped my head *HARD* when I was 7 years old for saying "Guten morgan, gotten morgen!" My great-grandmother had been staying with us for a short time, and only spoke a few words of English. Her primary language was German. Every morning when I woke up and went through the kitchen to go to breakfast, she would be at the sink or the stove, and look over at me to say "Guten morgen!" ("Good morning!") I didn't know what she meant, but figured it was something like that. One day, I was sliding down the stairs, bumping along, saying, "Guten morgen, gotten morgan, guten morgan, gotten morgan!" with each bump down the stairs.
My Mom met me at the bottom of the stairs and just simply hit me so hard that I'm surprised my head didn't fall off my neck. She screamed at me about "Taking the Lord's name in vane." I didn't know that "got" means "God" in German, and anyway, all that would have translated to was "Good God's morning!" I actually blacked this out for another 5 years before I remembered it happening, but I've never forgotten it since. My Mom abused me over nothing. I call it being psychotic, really. Just because everyone's soft-soaping it, calling it a "personality" thing, that means nothing to me. Only someone who's truly psychotic abuses their child, and yes, our Moms abused us.
@@justrosy5 so typical of abuse from a narcissist. You didn't have to do anything wrong. It was a total psych job on their part and boy does it effect a person up when they really come to the full realization of what happened. That we did not imagine it.
I relate to your experience so much. Both of my parents are/were narcissists. My father (now deceased) would choke me in his fits of rage when I was a teen and I (57 yo) cannot to this day wear a turtleneck or anything even mildly tight around my neck. I’m so sorry so many have had these horrendous experiences. Two years ago my mother actually yelled at me with evil in her eyes: “you were kicked - yes, you were choked - yes, but you were NEVER punched! You stop your lies about your father!” The last time my father punched me multiple times in the face I was 24. I went very low contact with my mom over a year & 1/2 ago. She continues to pretend nothing is wrong between us.
@@LW-mq1zl their justifications for abuse and what "they" feel is not abuse is absurd to the point that it would be comical except that it is real.
My mom used to hit, she'd use hair brushes, paint sticks, paddles, yardsticks... and while beating us with those objects as well as her fists would be screaming how she was a good mother and how she was NOT beating us because she wasn't using a belt. Yeah. Right. Or pulling our hair close to our scalp and shaking our heads. I took another beating when I was old enough to take myself to the salon and pay for my own haircuts and I had my hair cut into a short 1920s style bob before it was a thing... because it was harder for her to grab and she was irate. I said too bad, my job, my money, my hair so she wouldn't let me use her car to get to work. So I rode my bike or took the bus and she tried to stop that, but I was 18 and she couldn't do a thing. And I got my own little $400 car. My brother cut all of his hair off when he joined the army and she flew into a rage when she tried to grab his hair out of habit and when there was nothing to grab and she just screamed YOU SON OF A BITCH at him and he just smiled at her and said, well, you would know, wouldn't you. She thought she could still hit us in our 30s. Because we were "hers". Belongings, like a coat, or a sofa, or a car. We were there to do her bidding and to be her whipping boys/girls, to take her daily frustrations out on. Then as I got older she beat me for mouthing off because I'd asked her just what did I do to be screamed at, threatened, and beaten, and yes, eventually I did talk back because it was wrong and I knew it. She made all kinds of false accusations about both my brother and I. She resented us because we refused to go along with her lies and her lies to others and her machinations. She bribed that parents should have the right to kill their children of their children disobeyed them. I feel bad for the earth that she is buried in because she was pure poison and the grass won't even grow there.
Thank you so much for your wisdom (you deserve your surname). I have experienced many of these delusions with my parents. After a year of trying to improve things with them (and having things get progressively worse) we had to resort to no contact in January. It has been a huge challenge as I have started to heal after decades of covert abuse. I was the caregiver, scapegoated, gaslit horribly, parentified at 13, experienced emotional 1ncest and was the "identified patient" and wrongfully medicated for years. If it hadn't been for my husband's support I would have never escaped (and possibly not survived). They still try to hoover me and I am resisting and working on my people pleasing and anxiety. It is a long road and it is so helpful to have resources like your videos to help me heal. I am also always thankful for a biblical foundation to that information. God bless you. I am so thankful my marriage, children and myself are finally safe. Part of me still hopes things will improve down the road but I have realized that might never happen. But I am finally doing what is best for myself, someone I was originally taught to neglect and hate.
That's my father for you Jerry he's this way he's very disrespectful and manipulative yet he expects me to honor and obey him.
You are removed from that path if a parent is dishonorable
my aunt thinks she can interfere in my political choices, she tried to forbid me to participate in legal demonstration today ;) I told her: read the Constitution
THANK YOU SIR!!!! That is exactly what I have been saying for years. That you do not, and for that matter SHOULD not honor or react and certainly not obey evil. You don't override right and wrong because the person who is wrong or doing evil happens to be your parent. About ten years ago a person whom I have a lot of respect for spoke to me, after a conversation full of tears and being g blown off for years from so-called friends and family members telling me I was being disrespectful and not a good daughter... this gentleman who I had no relation to and only knew through mutual friends took me aside, and told me that under no terms do you owe anything to someone who is evil. That you have the right to recognize evil and basically we do know evil when we see it... that we are allowed to trust our instincts and to act on it and we are not required to associate with it. We are allowed to not only distance ourselves from evil but to cut it off from our lives and merely being related by biology actually means nothing: in his words, he finished by saying after all, someone was related to Hitler. Boy did that stick. There isn't an evil person who ever walked this earth who wasn't related to someone. And you owe them nothing. Period.
I do blame them 7:50 bcs they are so guilty.
Also i don't care what frustration and trauma they had, i am not responsible for that.
I didn't deserve toxic parents from hell with anything.
I agree. So many people say, "Oh.... but they had TRAUMA." We all gots trauma. Not all of us choose to become un-selfreflective jerks. :(
Thank you for saying all this! I lived all of those, but the house delusion always amazed me. My parents bought an beach apartment close to them "for me", despite I said I didn't want to live there. Their idea was to have me living there but it was THEIR beach house, I just had a small "children's room" in it, and all the family (parents and sister's family) kept appearing unannounced to enjoy their holidays... so no privacy, no say into the decoration, no nothing. Finally I stayed there for a year but left (as far as I could). Years later, when they went through a financial crisis, they had to sell that house and blatantly blamed it on me, for not living there and follow their plans for me. They thought I would be paying the rent to them and paying out the house or something, I don't know. Just a pawn for them. So hurtful and crazy.
6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord 🙏 ❤
So this means that the Bible is wise and is not written in a way the child absolutely has no clue of what to do in a situation like this🤦♂️
He was an atheist, I was sent to a convent school. Talk about confusion for the kid.
My mother scolded me about something and knew I was getting upset. She then took a Polaroid camera out and said, " I'm going to take this picture of your face so you can always remember your bad attitude and how you are so disrespectful." She provoked all of us to anger, I just decided to run away.
In Aristotelian and Thomist thought there are eleven passions. Anger, of these all, is the active negative passion in the past that has no corresponding positive. It's a feeling of having been wronged and wanting to make it stop. Sometimes it's valid. Sometimes invalid, for example when narcissistic parents get angry for the child failing to read their mind. But on part of the child it's that upbringing by narcissists breaks their moral compass and the child has an enormous task of sorting out right from wrong independent from the parent, who was actually supposed to help the child in this (like the verse says). But narcissistic parents believe that they're entitled to do what they want and all children are bad, except those hypothetical and ideal children who entirely submit to their parents. And that that is an impossible verse, since it simply reverses everything and makes the child a ruler over the parent.
*barf*
Boundaries are out of the window.How true.My father used to say as a 'joke' What's yours is mine,whats mine is my own.He meant it and helped himself to my stuff frequently.
After years working as a therapist I left “health” “care” and became a lawyer. I work in child welfare. I always thought it would be too much. It’s not. The field needs all of you.
May I ask you a lawerly question?? Re: this childhood abuse stuff...?
Imagine a contractor comes to your home to repair your roof. They came unprepared, did a horrible job, became abusive and then defends himself by saying, 'I did the best I could!' We would not tolerate that cop out, but somehow these narcissistic parents are very much like this.
It's your PaRRreEnts. 😅 I believe most people just look at children as a tool instead of having children out of love. And that turns into martyrdom who can top that? I have children because I chose to, if at any moment they feel I did an awful job it's my duty as the parent to analyze myself to see what happened. Children only know what parents teach.
I actually had a repairman show up like this - mansplained and patronized me, a grown woman, in my own home, because he couldn’t properly explain anything about the job he was planning. I don’t think he understood it himself so he tried to make me feel stupid instead. I showed him the door quick as I could!!
Well said 🎉.
@@HYTELES exactly! as though it's some sort of legitimate reason. problem is, they can't possibly bring themselves to admit they made mistakes, God forbid that they may have been wrong! I know, for me, all it'd ever take is "I made a lot of mistakes, i never intended to hurt you, I'm sorry", or something along those lines...but that'll NEVER happen. as sad & as unfair as it is, it's my...our 'reality'. we have each other, though. don't ever forget that! 💛
@@chickenfriedsteak9330chicken fried- you are on fire in this comment section!! 😂 Loving reading your stuff. Thank you
My dad told me that when I turned 18 I had to start paying him back for all the food he gave me. $1800.00.
😮
Atleast you have a figure. Mine seems unlimited. The man started a new family with an unemployed younger woman while he is a pensioner. Now he expects his older kids to help raise the younger ones.
Thanks internet-Dad. I'm about 2 months out from NC and you're keeping me sane.
I had my MIL's wedding. My husband couldn't say no to every idea my MIL came up with for our big day. I hated it all. It was not my wedding. It took me 3 years to learn about narcissism and family enmeshment systems. And it took me 5 years to leave. Today, I am no-contact with my husband's family, and he limits contact with his parents.
For me it is about breaking out of denial.. 2 really big aha moments for me were 1. I got a rescue dog and I had it for a month before I had to buy it and I told my whole family to check it before I bought it.. They didn't.. Then when they saw the dog they completely avoided him.. It wasn't them avoiding him it was that they avoided me.. 2. My family talked me into moving over 1500 miles to get into the family business and then they slowly showed that I wasn't really in it.. I got it up and running for them and they kicked me out rather than buying me out.. I really wasn't ever in the family.. That is my hard pill to swallow.. My mom's amends to me was that she never loved my dad and did not want to have kids.. Then she had 3 kids..
I have also heard you talk about Radical Acceptance.. What I heard the other day is that Radical Acceptance is accepting that someone can change but they won't.. That seams to work for me..
My parents used me for 3 1/2 years to take care of a house they had bought for themselves. They claimed it was for me (while we were all out looking at houses together), then refused to put my name on it. I was out of work and they didn't want to pay my rent anymore (or that's what they told me). They claimed they were moving me into the house to live there. Then they gave me all these things they wanted done to it, and since it was their names on the house, not mine, I had to do them. I mowed their lawn, did some wall painting, took care of the water filtration system, called around to find people to work on the roof, did all the housework... My parents sent just enough money for cheap food and the gas to get it, but nothing more. They claimed they were too poor to both pay rent for me and pay for the house, and I kept looking for work... Anyway, 3 1/2 years later, they moved in. Mom told me she would do all the shopping and the cooking.
My Mom attacked me out of nowhere one day, screaming at me that I was going to "strangle" my Dad (um, wow, no...). She told me I wasn't allowed out of my bedroom or the room next to it (that separated my room from the entire rest of the house, including the front door). The attack was so bad I had bruises from it, but didn't know it, so I called a friend and asked if I could come over. She agreed, so I packed up my things and snuck out the back way. She saw the bruises on my back, and showed them to me, but we knew I could never prove that the bruises came from my parents, so we opted not to call the police. I didn't know that my Mom was going to fake a "photo" of my Dad with an obviously photoshopped "bruise" on his arm, then claim that I left it there (I never made physical contact with my Dad). If I'd gone to the police and shown the real bruises on my back, it might have destroyed what was left of our family, but at least my narc parents would have finally gotten what they deserved in all of this. The police would have realized that something had actually happened, at least eventually. As it is, they have no idea to this day that that ever happened. That friend turned out to be as psycho as my parents, and I had to just re-pack everything and take off. I had no one else to turn to though, so I found a phone on a college campus and had to call my parents and ask if I could go back and live with them. We didn't even have a woman's shelter in the local area at the time. My parents agreed and "demanded" a bunch of rules that I'd always kept anyway, so that wasn't hard to agree to, so I moved back in with them.
About 6 months later, out of nowhere, they went down to the police department, filed a bunch of paperwork, lied to them and a couple of judges, claimed I'd threatened and attacked them, falsified "evidence" against me (the badly done photoshop job), took out a protection order against me, and had the police remove me from their house, making me homeless and penniless. They didn't care about me or love me at all. I had only been helpful to them, tried to understand them, tried to be forgiving toward them after a lifetime of their using and abusing me, and this was what they did in return. The pile of paperwork was inches thick - they'd likely spent years making this pile of BS up. A lot of it was religious tripe, and somehow, nice birthday cards I'd made for my Mom were "evidence" against me... The police told me that "Usually, these things only last a couple of weeks, then the judge dismisses them."
The judge was a fill-in judge while the regular was away for Thanksgiving (which was the next day), and he acted like he just wanted to get the cases off his desk so he could go home and be with his family. He couldn't figure out what the truth was so he told me and my Mom that we should stay away from each other, so that was his reasoning for putting the protection order through for a whole year. He told my Mom, "If she breaks the order, then we can go for another one." I didn't, she went for it anyway, got the regular judge, and he put it through for a second year. Then 11 months or so in, she sent me an email threatening to take out a 3rd order if I didn't respond by agreeing to a bunch of crazy nonsense. Protection orders are no-contact orders, and obviously, I couldn't respond. So, she sent another email saying she was punishing me with a 3rd order for not responding. I took both emails to the police, who forwarded them to the judge. She tried for a 3rd order, but the judge refused, because he finally saw what she'd been doing the entire time.
Years later, she called me up and acted like nothing had ever happened. Left a message. I wasn't sure if I should respond or not, but figured if I sent an email instead, she couldn't really hurt me or anything. I didn't know what i needed to about narcissism to know not to respond. It's been a really insane ride ever since. I needed a real Mom since I was born, and what I got was two narcissists who abused and used me. They both gaslit me into thinking the world of my Mom, that she was so smart, so with-it, she just knew everything I needed to know. They made the rules but were above the law. And now, I'm just simply stuck. I've been out of work for too long, they've been sending money, and I just want a job so I can pay them back and be off their tab forever. I don't know if I even can pay them back, and the thing is, I shouldn't owe them anything at all. We are treating it as a huge loan though, and I just want to owe them nothing.
What really hurts is that all their abuses hamstrung me, and every time I've tried to finish my education, all the trauma has just gotten in the way (and other things have too, but that's been the worst of it). When I've tried to work, they've done things like called up my employer to bad-mouth me (so I'd be forced to depend on them financially again). My resume is a joke and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to fix any of this. I keep looking for work, but don't qualify for anything from legit employers who are serious about their employees and their customers. Everyone else wants to hire, but at what cost? I don't want to be out there helping bad companies harm their customers, so I don't apply to work for them. The rest don't want me. I really don't know what to do.
@@justrosy5 Before I got into the Family Business I made lots of bad decisions.. Growing up with all that abandonment, rejection, and neglect that is what I started doing to myself.. I gave up a job in a beautiful area with a great landlord, great neighbors, and great tenants to get into that Family Business..
@@justrosy5 My parents future-faked me about their house too. I too, fell for it, and spent two years helping them repair and rennovate their house for free. :( Neglecting my own family while doing it. I finally stopped last fall. My mom will likely disown me. It is a weird revelation to understand at 52 years of age, that my mother used me as an anchor baby for my father's narcissistic supply. Now that my father's dead as of January 27, 2024, I went no-contact. She didn't call me for 6 months, and then just yesterday, calls my husband (because I have her blocked) to ask him to tell me to sign some paperwork so she can withdraw money out of an account........ Not falling for that bull again. She also wants a copy of my passport. LOL! Creepy woman. No contact. It's about survival. I hope you are able to build your finances back up. I know my mom tried to hobble me too, and almost did, except I know how to work. She does not. She depended on my father for money and to do basic life-skills things. Now she depends on her flying monkey relatives who are waiting for the house that she said she would leave me. LOL! I know now, she ain't leaving anything to anyone. She'll be the first person to take everything to heaven with her.
I’m just beginning Jerry’s course and it’s a real eye opener. After spending a few years researching narcissism and the effects, then accepting the truth and grieving, I am now turning my attention to the only person I can change in the relationship- me! Jerry’s course helps enormously ❤❤❤
Thank you. That is great!
I have been struggling with anger and forgiveness for my dad. I grew up walking on eggshells, after my mom died I felt like I had a target on my back. He is narcissistic and has been angry my whole life, now become hateful and judgemental. After Mom died he verbally and emotionally attacked me, and I was on the verge of suicide, so I moved as soon as I could. This year he did it again, attacking me, my son and brother and I've gone no-contact, just struggling with anger the more I remember from my childhood and teenage years. I've just begun to see daylight and turn a corner with my anger. Today is my birthday, and he has tried to call and I just don't want to talk to him, he left a message saying he didn't want to be my enemy forever. I'm done with the anger and judgement, and I don't trust him anymore. I'm not having it anymore, so I'm praying for peace and letting go of anger and negativity.
I was low-contact with my parents for many years, not because I chose to, but they just didn't care about my life. My mother hoovered me back when my dad got cancer. I realized they both had dementia. Narcissism + dementia = horrors. I couldn't make them understand they needed a higher level of care. My mother wanted me to stay with them (i.e. abandon my husband and my three kids who are still school-age) and take care of them. My mother and my father both did not take care of their parents...... but I was expected to drop my career, my family, and take care of them for free????? Nuh uh. It was then I realized... you never STOP being a parent. My friends' parents help them with raising their kids. My parents NEVER helped me. I had to learn parenting on my own, which in retrospect was a good thing because my husband and I are doing better than my parents did. My mother-in-law is my model for mothering now. NOT my mom. When I told my mom I was NOT moving in with her, and that I needed to help my husband take care of OUR kids, she triangulated me with her other relatives AND my dying dad. I got accused of all sorts of shit... man! Stealing my dad's wallet (turns out it was in my mom's purse), and "trying to control" them (when it was the opposite -- i.e. PROJECTION). My mother accused people of stealing all my life.... and then I learned that she's been stealing since she was a child..... it's really astonishing. HOW much in DENIAL I was. Because I followed their introjects -- I believed in their false selves. No longer. Realizing my parents were delusional and going no-contact was key to survival. My kids will not suffer their abuse, and I'm trying my best to avoid the neglect (emotional and physical) that my parents perpetrated on me.
My Father thinks he was is much smarter than everyone else - he isn't! He isn't stupid, but nowhere near as smart as he thinks he is.
Later in life, Dad started running regularly. While that was a great for his health, the weird part was that he thought he was an athlete- despite never winning a race, even in his age range, even at a local level.
He'd spend thousands on athletic shoes, althletic gear and trips (even overseas!) to enter races, while never buying me shoes or athletic gear.
The irony is I did much better than he did, often placing in races, was a gifted high jumper and discus thrower.
But he was the "athlete", it was all about the image and living a athletic persona- bizzare!
Mr. Wise, I don't know how to express to you how you help me. You say the exact words of what I've been through, my situation, then you say the very words that heal me. I click on your video and I feel a burden lift off my shoulders. To hear an authority tell me that my parents were wrong brings back my sanity. You heal, thank you.
Wow, thank you
@@jerrywise You're welcome.
For narcs parents giving birth to you its like an investment or a kind of exchange: i brought you here so you take care of me as much as i want, in that caring it includes being the trash can of my psychological problems and the punching bag of my abuse....
The person posing as my mother LOVES to say that she doesn’t owe me anything! But if you don’t owe me anything…. I definitely don’t owe you shyt “mom”! And I don’t kiss her bum for anything and she can’t stand it. 😂
Many years ago ,I was in ICU in an induced coma , on a ventilator and paralysed with Curari to stop me moving too much.
My mother was talking to me, After a while,she started talking about the most humiliating experiences of my life. I was mortified,then someone else appeared and she went quiet.
Later when I was out of the coma my mother told me ( very huffily and as if I agreed with her),a nurse had told her " Mrs..."I can hear everything you're saying ".
She had replied "Its ok. We don't have any secrets".
I was mortified again.
That is horrible. My mom really leans into the humiliating digs. I now hate her.
This type of personality gets extra credit if it is done while the target is down.
And being sick is another source of irritation for these bullies.
I feel ya.
You were a Pastor for many years? That makes your perspective on "Honor thy Mother & Father" even more validating because it was often used against me.
You should do a breakdown of how, say, hypothetically... an aging narcissistic parent (OR TWO) might act if they thought of an entire group of people- say maybe even an entire nation-- as "their children"....
I think it's all about too much free time... The older generations have to fill it with something and they start picking on the younger ones, forgetting that everybody does their best in life, including the children, not only them, as parents 🤔🧐🧐🧐
Not all older folks are dysfunctional....But yes there's NOTHING worse than a narc that's bored with time on their hands😬!
There's many more healthy emotionally stable older people than narcs. Narcs get worse as they age but they don't suddenly start be a narc in their old age.
@@amberinthemist7912 I wish this were true but the state of human affairs in general tells me otherwise. I feel like if there were more healthy people in the world it wouldn't be such a mess.
That they've got our best interest at heart?
Taking your children away in a custody battle they put you in.
My hubby is the narc and I hear him say to the kids in various way “I pay for ----“ fill in the blank. Always used as leverage to get them to do what he wants. I usually circle back around to the child at some point to remind them that “we brought them into this world and their basic necessities are our responsibility” and with living in a very expensive/ wealthy area I believe that includes things that allow them to fit in with their peers, with limits of course, as to not raise an entitled/over-indulged narcissistic child. Full time job it is!
You need to also let the child out from under the responsibility of doing whatever it is your husband told them they have to do for him. And please, do the kids a favor and divorce that jackass.
You’re staying with a narcissist? Knowingly? And think your kids might come out okay? How does that work?
Looking back l can see l went into the world unprepared for anything No financial skills people skills knowing what some people are like nothing It was like being thrown to the wolves
I am realizing the same thing myself now. Poor or little to no parenting/life skills from narcissists when your a child. Then when you're an adult and a mess, "You're an adult now!!! I'm not responsible for you!!!" Just irresponsible all their lives. No accountability.🤬
@@anajackson6677 And when you call him out on it, they be like:"Who was teaching me that stuff?"
Lord, did I need this Right now, at this moment. at this exact moment!
First rattle out of the box. Thank you for saying that we do not have to honor an abuser.❤❤❤
My situation is tricky I had two older siblings that were doing parenting roles when I was little. They still think I owe them for that. The unspoken meaning is I gave up my young adulthood to care for you so you can never pay me back. I’ve been trying to square the debt for 30 years. I don’t think I’ll ever square the debt
That's kind of like when Narcissist dad ghosts my mom and does the deadbeat dad bit so my mom pulls double duty. Thanks, Mom, but blame Dad for that. Like with your older siblings, it sucks but don't blame the dependent child.
Whole my childhood, I was told that "I was her undeserved divine punishment."
nope. you are a gift. you've always been a gift.
My children grew up in a household with a covert narcissistic father and a very confused mother who was blamed for everything. I finally figured out what was going on after 30 years of being gaslit, provoked and manipulated. Crazy-making is a behaviour I am very familiar with. Once I became aware and understood the game - about 8 years ago - things changed. I finally saw the smirks of satisfaction for what they were. I spent 2 years as a gray rock, which caused the behaviours to escalate, while I figured things out, and now I calmly label behaviours as they occur. I am not going anywhere. Our relationship has improved with self awareness growing in both of us. I was never physically abused and we were never in any danger of that, because early on in our relationship, a hand was raised and he was immediately warned that he had to sleep sometime. I believe I stopped the escalation into physical abuse, but in hindsight, this may have caused the mental manipulations to become somewhat more sophisticated, which may be why I spent the first 30 years in a state of constant confusion and bewilderment. I am strong emotionally, and though the almost daily battles have definitely taken a toll on my health, my own bullheadedness has kept me going. Once upon a time, I was described as feisty by a boss who became worried about me as the years passed and I withdrew further and further into myself. Now I am just too exhausted to muster up the energy to fight. Now, when I am faced with a behaviour that stinks to high heaven of narcissism, I sit back, think about it, and when I've figured out what just happened, I label the behaviour and move on. It is never too late to point out sh*tty behaviour. In fact, once the heat of the moment has passed, it has turned out to be even more effective and can even lead to a rational discussion. The narcissism we were [and are now occasionally] subjected to was relatively mild on the narcissism scale, compared to some of the horror stories I've heard. I don't entirely agree that no contact is always the solution. I don't believe we would have grown as much as individuals, or in our relationship, if I had taken that step.
However, because I was vocal and fought back throughout our tumultuous relationship, my children have accused me of being the narcissist. I don't have any of the beliefs or behaviours you outlined in this video, and I am 95% sure I was not the narcissist in our relationship, but I have wondered sometimes if I am guilty of narcissism, or if I was just 'catching fleas' from all the manipulation and crazy-making I endured. I am sorry my children had to go through this and would go back in time to change it if I could. Perhaps they would have been better off if we had divorced. Their resentment of their conflict ridden upbringing is sometimes palpable. It is so important for people to be aware of and recognize the initial indicators of emotional abuse. Because of this, I deeply appreciate the work that you do.
I am right there with you. Its definately him but i am the bad one for reacting. I retgret not pointing out the behaviors and naming them so my children could see it. But its too late.
@@wilblissful It is never too late. My children are grown. I consider it a new skill that has helped me to find a degree of peace with it.
I'm wondering if mom is ever going to apologize for her recent outburst and verbal abuse towards me. I've had no contact with her since that time.
Do not expect a narcicist to apologize..if they ever do is just a strategie to be able to abuse you again.
Just take your lufe in your own hands and leave her far away with NO contact nor info nor anything.
Stay strong. You will never get the apology you are so deserving of. I'm at 3.5 yrs no contact. My parent retaliated, for my no contact, by going no contact on one of her two only friends. This friend did nothing to deserve that treatment. My parent has always been compelled to copy others actions if she can hurt another person in return instead of dealing with her own emotions. Just shows how sick narcissists are.
Who gives a 💩 about some fake bogus "apology" from people like THAT?...It wouldn't even be worth the air they expelled as they said it.Just enjoy focusing on healing & living life dear🌞👍🏻👍🏻❤️🩹.
They only apologize as a manipulation strategy, I'm sorry to say. Don't fall for it.
@@carlybee3398 I agree. Narcissists "go no contact" (silent treatment) to hurt people. Victims go no-contact to save themselves. :( There's a world of difference, that the narcissist will never understand.
Appreciate your channel Jerry.
This one was VERY beneficial.
Thank you for your knowledge and your 'Inner no contact' work.
Powerful advice. Thank you Jerry.
Glad it was helpful!
My mom is tells my business to people without my permission, posts pictures that I’ve shared privately in that chat on social media without my permission, takes pictures of things in my house and posts them on social media without my permission. She gets mad when I ask her to take them down.
@sugarandspice2136 stop giving her ammunition. She is never going to change.
I gave up social media because my family members constantly overshared in the comments.
Please do yourself the favour of going Grey Rock! Share only the most banal tidbits from your life. Heck, invent some if you have to. “Deep cleaning the bathroom today! Nice to knock it off the to do list!” Any info you give, ask yourself first if you’d want it on social media. Treat her (in your own mind) like a social media page you have minimal control over, and, painful as it is, filter yourself as much as you need to in order to maintain a level of privacy you can be comfortable with.
It’s awful that you have to deal with that, and I know it stinks to have to train yourself to censor yourself, potentially even to those who are in contact with her, but hopefully it will help you gain some peace of mind and privacy.
I am so grateful to have found your video Mr. Wise. I have been struggling caring for my elderly narcissistic mother who has truly caused me a lot of anguish in my lifetime, and has made me feel like I am never enough. Yet, I still help her. I know she won’t change.
I resonated with everything you said and I had a few good laughs too which made me feel good. Thank you!
"my parents whipped me with a whip, and when we buried it in the yard, they used a belt instead" followed by "I only ever used my hands to hit you" 💀
If people are selfish why even habe kids?
"obey" is a delusion itself. I don't obey nothing, anything and anybody
It's ok to obey the law. Don't break laws, you don't want to wind up in jail. And obey your own moral compass, do not mistreat people, do not disrespect people, at the very minimum. That will keep you out of trouble in life. Learn to cultivate patience and equanimity in yourself so emotional reactions don't get you into trouble. You are a child of God, you deserve a good life.
I have more.. I was a single mom at 17 years old and I realized that her narcissism is a big reason for me trying to escape and find love. Well I was on welfare and I was supposed to comply to keep the services and she said I was not going to take my baby on the bus or put her in daycare so I can do the 8 hours of job training for however long it was to be and my mom worked swing shift so she was not going to watch my daughter during the morning so I can better myself and continue to get assistance. Eventually I lost all welfare assistance and she threw me in the streets at 19 years old with no education no job no money no anything and I was abused suffered the elements and she kept my daughter from me.
Sent it to my narcissist father today.
Do pray for his healing hope he understands his behaviour.
My "narcissitic parents" 100% definitely this!! In my experience,they therefore gaslighting this & never admitted it as they called me"psychotic " especially making it appear as if They were right in saying I was"mentally unwell " when in fact if anyone was it wasn't me!!
I love your channel so much!
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for making these videos!
Most welcome!💙
Dad thinks he's perfect, but he nitpicked at me; I had more than enough!
Oh boy. My parents bought a block of land 2 houses away from me. Do not recommend. Then I divorced my ex husband, and it was all my fault that they were living where they were living. Then a couple of years later, I needed to move 20 minutes away to secure housing. Mum threw an epic tantrum, as though I had chosen to move interstate. It wasn't convenient enough for her.
Definitely true that we have much left inside despite how good it fells to be validated and free. Im stuck in the anger, hate and blame thinking cycle. Not a constant presence in my mind, but often enough that i believe the road map to self will be needed sooner than later.. IF i want a better life for myself. Thanks Jerry. Learning something new a couple times per week from these videos. Helps to read the comments to know we are not alone.
Thank you, Jerry
You know, when healthy still people try to manipulate me, it is disgusting... Don't know why but it is more disgusting than real dirt or animals excrements... Have I saw too much of this kind of behavior that I really had enough of it for the rest of my life?
Growing up I always heard how awful and abusive my paternal grandfather was . I think my own father lived a mandate to outdo his own father where control , abuse and ugly behaviour were concerned . He succeeded .
Jerry, you’re a life saver, literally❤
Thank you kindly!
Dang, I want to talk to you personally about my family. Never heard anyone understand these delusions. It gets tricky when you grew up with it.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/book-online
My mother told me, "well god forgave me so you need to get over it". I don't believe in your god or that you don't need to apologize and make good changes.
I think my parents had children because they wanted to pass on more than they ever had -and (materially) they did that. Unfortunately " *Unexpressed emotions will never die.* They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” ― Sigmund Freud.
My mother is very religious, and a narcissist. She wields religion like a hammer. She would always hit me with the commandment of “honor thy father and thy mother”. I finally realized that this is a two way street, not one way. Respect is earned, not a “given”.
New subscriber. Thank you for Ur channel. I'm early 50s and just been diagnosed with hip arthritis, I have my kitten, faith, and lovely daughter. I live alone and enjoy my home. My dad and mum keep pestering me to move bk home. The last year has been constant. It's cause they old and want to control me again. They stopped their carers, and my dad said if I won't move bk home, f get on with it. My mum started again last night on phone and I told her to stop. She said dad tells her to say it. My skin has flared up again, and my hip pain is worse today. I haven't visited them for 5 months, cause they keep going on about going in a care home,and Im exhausted after seeing them. I don't drive, and it's difficult. My dad just had a fall, and I'm feeling sad for him.
I feel sad for my narc mom who is 87. But every time I try to brighten her day or show compassion I realize I should be spending my time and energy on my own health issues. She doesn't want my love, she wants me to do things for her which I can barely do for myself. So I may feel sad, for her, but accepting there is no mutual empathy is hard pill to swallow. I feel sad for stray cats that wander in my yard too. If I feed them they will not bite me for it. Best to you this is emotionally taxing for an empathic soul like us. ❤
This is why comparing ourselves to others is wrong. Christ talks about it in the Rich Young Ruler parable. He wants us to focus on the vertical line that connects us to him, not the horizontal line that divides everyone into good/bad and better/worse.
💯
Aged 35 for the first time, I went and had my lovely long hair cut and permed. Why? My mother began copying my identity as she had none of her own. When people in the yoga class I took her to - MY yoga class, I just included her in the hopes it would keep her in circulation - began saying to me, who'd had long hair all my life, ''Oh, I see you have long hair like your Mum''.... and she stood there with a satisfied grin right across her face, didn't even correct them, wanted to be considered the trend setter.... well that was the trigger. I got back home cut off and curled and she admonished me 'Eeeeh girl and when I think of all the times we tried to get you to cut your hair as a kid!' - trying to shame me, no positive retort whatsoever - I rounded straight back 'MOTHER! I'm 30 bloody 5!!!!!''. She also tried to buy same/similar clothes to mine. It was nauseating she was stealing my identity. They say someone copying you is the sincerest form of flattery... I disagree, it's evil and shows the person doesn't know themselves or what they want, they're merely copycats, nothing original whatsoever.
The way I relate to this all is too uncanny. Narcissistic parents and families are real and as a person undergoing this, I must say that it is something I never would wish on my worst enemy. It's a limiting existence to say the least.
Such a long list when the Narcissist gets older.
Jerry, narc mother is quite elderly with dementia, still living on her own with support from carers etc, so basic needs are met. However no news yet of her getting into a care home, as the social work think she is not a priority. So I am trapped and stuck in the in between stage, and no possibility of ever going no contact. Brother is living some distance away, and it trying to negotiate the situation. I was getting support from my sister after a long time, when we were discarded by her, she lives abroad. Things were back on track with her and she was even offering support. But suddenly I realised she too is a narc/ BDP. She said something which puzzled me- she said she had trust issues with me! But at the same time was saying she loves me, and wants me to move abroad to be near her and her family. Well that is not going to happen now.
I know laws are different everywhere but is it possible to just walk away & let the social workers step in & handle it because there's nobody else around?No inheritance or anything else is worth sticking around until they're gone😅.
She has carers. She'll be alright. My N-Dad (also has dementia)has one too. Still asked me to move in then threw a fit and had me ARRESTED for trespassing!!! (Not for being violent or destroying property. Just For being on his property. I was living with him. Batsh!t crazy) Nevermind I gave up my job, had no money and I was living out of state. Move on!!! Live your life. I regret helping him now. Narcissism AND dementia can get ugly and even worse.
And as far as your siblings go...when the poop hit the fan in my situation, which it will in yours, mine offered no support. Like my sibs, yours seem to be avoiding the drama or are narcs also. My false arrest and being made homeless and broke out of state in less than 24hrs for helping my narc-dad left me demoralized right before my bday!!! And my sibs think it was morally repugnant that I be gifted $20 for beer and cigs for my bday. They all just blew over how hurt I was and no shame directed to Dad. It's a crummy feeling and I definitely needed a beer and a cig. Move on.
@@anajackson6677 Very similar to what happened to me. My own father accused me of stealing his wallet (I had absolutely no need to steal anything of his!), turns out it was in my mother's purse.... and she watched while he said that, and said nothing. So many people tell me, "That's how old people are." NO. That is false. My mother-in-law had dementia and she was not hateful and paranoid. Neither was my great-grandmother, when she had dementia. My mother has been paranoid all her life, and now, at 52-years-old, I finally understand.... she was projecting. :( All the things she accused people of, were actually things SHE did. :( It's sickening to learn. So NO. Not all elderly people are like this. Only narcs.
Kind of a joke here, but every time I think I’ve been infantalized I think of the Michael Jackson baby drop game
Love your channel, Jerry!! THANK YOU for everything you are doing to educate us on all narcissistic families. I learnso much from you and feel incredibly validated as a child of two full blown narcissistic parents! ♥️
You are so welcome!🙂
Thank you for this video. Normal rules do not apply to abnormal relationships.
When I saw Guardians of the Galaxy and Yondu said Peter should be grateful to him for not letting the crew eat him as a child totally reminded me of my mom.
My mil decided without consulting anyone that she would retire and move near us so she could take care of my son when we announced the pregnancy. She was mad at us because she had to take back her intention to retire paperwork. It was nuts.
#2. While we should be grateful for having a good childhood and being raised properly, it doesn't mean that we OWE our parents anything.
Usually, though, the Adult Children of good parents WILL WANT TO DO GOOD THINGS for their parents.
It's the SELFLESS THOUGHTS of the Adult-Child, not the SELFISH thoughts of the Narc-Parent FORCING the child to do what he wants.
I want to take care of my children and I hope that they will be happy and want to stay with the family. I believe in traditionalism where everyone lives in a large family home area.
Of course
Same here, extended households are awesome when they're healthy😊.A tenderly loved & well raised child eventually becomes a healthy caring adult that naturally wishes to reciprocate your love & kindness.Not ending up alone in a 💩 old folks home is just simply a nice perk you typically get automatically if you actually did your job as a parent right.... It's the ones that constantly hold that 💩 over their kid's heads that oftentimes rightfully end up alone in old age.All we honestly owe each other as human beings is basic reciprocation of how we treat each other...So if someone sucks let them fall off of a cliff🤗...But if someone is loving & kind, reciprocate that back too🌞👍🏻.
@@malwads1836 ~Yeah it's so sad seeing the nursing home situation.
I always wanted to care for my parents, but they don't want me, so now it's no-contact and living my life.
My brother's wife's grandfather is in an assisted living/nursing home, and he's really obese and has a lot of issues...
But it bothered me that they left this guy in this place.
I remember I was visiting my brother in NYC AT the end of December, and his then Fiancee was shopping for gifts for her grandpa. He had a list of what to get or something like that, and the fiancee would say how grandpa liked or didn't like this nurse or something.
It's os damn sad.
Meanwhile her and her father rarely visit the guy, while her aunt is always visiting, and that caused another rift in their relationship, because the father `of my brother's wife is lazy and doesnt' do anything.`
He also just married an abusive woman and he just destroyed his relationshp with his daughtgers because they hate the woman.
He also lie dto them saying she kept him `caged up ans stuff and he was trapped in his own home, and she wouldn't leave and he was scared to call the cops, etc, etc...
This went on for a year and then we fvind out they are engaged to getting married...
So it was all a lie...
I am big into Men's rights and see what men have gone through over the last decade or so viewing this sutff, so i figur d it was a similar case with crazy modern woman who was using the laws against him (Palimony is like 1 year in NY and then you have to pay)...
But instead the POS lied to his kids and everything.
When I left my narcissist now ex-husband, the first phone call I had with my "dad" resulted in him yelling at me,"(insert name) is a human being! I didn't raise you to even get in this situation. Where did I go wrong?!"