“They know they are lying. We know they are lying. They know we know they are lying. We know that they know that we know that they are lying. And yet they continue to lie.”
There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unkown unknowns. The ones we don't know, we don't know. - Donald Rumsfield
@kiran menon it's TRAUMA bonding and cognitive dissonance...it does get better but you have to know what your up against...my soon to be ex swears I'm the narcasist..yet I didn't abuse, cheat, lie or neglect him. Progress not perfection...I'm working on new beginnings and being a better person...he never will!
@kiran menon i understand...its the trauma bonding and cognitive dissidence that leaves us connected...its a recovering process that worse than any drug....they nave memories but when you look back all they remember is what mattered to them...mine can't remember or see anything good about me although I supported him financially, emotionally and physically.....just the fact you are researching all of this means you are healing...I bounce from different levels of recovery from day to day...some days anger, some days forgiveness, but the key is to keep moving forward...everything happens is from god or is meant to happen....I choice to let all the abuse not bring me down but to encourage me to be a better person...progress not perfection...hang in there....it was from god that I was financially able to get out.....god was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself....hang in there my friend
@kiran menon sorry I was responding to another post....im not a professional only a survivor of two narcissistic marriages...your counselor probably has better answers than I do, but sexual abuse is a common trait that they use against us to keep us connected...mine was/is addicted to sex,porn, sexting and cheating....its something that he has to work on....marraiges are far more than sex, yes it important and if your needs are not getting met mutually then only you can move on, you are not responsible for her reactions to you....
I felt that… Whether they lie, tell the truth or give an excuse,, they’re practicing their craft. They’re always practicing their craft .,, they feel good at it,, or better yet they feel the best at it
Yessss…Lying for random inconsequential things ….made zero sense. Obsessive habit of lying and hiding any and everything. Like keys and papers and virtually anything. I’m think they are scared insecure morons actually. I almost went insane
My dad is the narcissist in my life… He recently realized “I know”.. He asked me have I ever considered talking to a therapist then proceeded to make me an appt with one he knew personally.. He paid for it so I agreed and went… Within 5 min of the session I said “I really don’t need to be here, my dad should be in this chair..” and the therapist said, “I know.”….
@@PS-nv2qp No. Thats not how narcissism works. I am truly sorry for the people I have hurt with my poor behaviour. Now lets hear you apologize for what you've done...
You have literally changed my life by helping me empower and also forgive myself for more than 30 years of narcissistic abuse from my mother. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Until they figure out what you did there...then no contact is very crucial coz they will be coming with hell fire behind them to "win" it's saddening. Let's just hope they never find out.
I just did that. He (a guy that I've had NO contact with for 40+ years!) sent me a 'friend request.' Short story shorter: he sent a message that I'm a moron, a fool, and I should "...go get polio...bye bye." I think he was drunk from the # of incomplete or misspelled words. My reply: "lovely" That was easy. I only wish I had included the # of the local AA house.
They'll also say "You haven't changed" if you tell them "I was stupid for thinking you'd changed" because there's no logic for what's used to hurt the victim, just whatever sounds snappy and painful.
“When you were normal” I was told this by a narcissistic sibling after a loved one found a childhood photo of me she called me and said this when you were normal I miss when you were normal.” Me being normal was being open to any treatment.
@@chriswyma145 Yep. Going through this RIGHT NOW. Step one was to stop trying to argue or defend... it became more and more apparent that the arguments had absolutely nothing to do with what she attacks me about, but were just to start a conflict. When I stopped arguing the attacks became more frequent and hostile. And more ridiculously petty, sometimes even comical. Yesterday it was over me opening a window to let beautiful clean spring air into the house. How could I possibly be so stupid and insensitive? 🙂 Now when she gets in my face with some inane complaint rather than defending myself - which is exactly what she wants - I wait till she gets close (she always closes in as she spins herself up) and concentrate on looking right into her eyes to see how large her pupils become. I have noticed that the more enraged she becomes, the larger they get. I use that distraction to maintain my own detachment, then either formulate a brief disengagement statement to create a pause in her attack and walk away, or if I have to, just walk away without saying anything. Lately I have made a game of creating my own 'word salad' to feed her to disrupt her for a second and leave. It's a lot like yelling at an aggressive dog to stop him in his tracks. It works briefly. For a long time I thought not defending myself and walking away was 'letting her win'. In fact just the opposite is true, as borne out by her increasing irritation since I learned how to do this. There really is no winning, not for her or me. Only surviving and distancing. Maybe she'll accept help one day but I really doubt it. I gave up on trying to convince her.
“They need you to take the bait and behave in an unhinged way, so they can feel better about themselves” So relatable. He drives me to my breaking point and then I explode, looking like the crazy one.
It sucks when they have flying monkeys to antagonize you and make you blow up or change tone or use words like "Whatever." Had that happen to me and I just walked away then they said, "just walk away like everyone else has how rude"
Yep! Talk about ‘bait’ my narcissistic sister wanted me to blow up at our large family reunion.. I never took the bait… her final push was to give my 14 y/o son a low alcohol BEER! When he said look what Aunt R** gave me.. I looked past him to see her grinning & smirking. I just smiled (it was hard) and said let’s show this to dad. We met with Dad, and I told son to smile as I did.., hubby says “ok what’s with the crazy smiles?” I said “smoke hunny” I asked if he could see my sister over my shoulder, he could , and then we explained what just happened. He calmly (amazing, considering how ticked he was) and told son that my sister just wanted mom to blow up! He said ‘let’s walk over there and watch the ball game and you will just drop it in the trash can’. As we walked with our arms around each other. She also had a relative convinced that she gave a SODA to my son!
“In a way you’re kind of screwed once the narcissist knows that you know…..they will try to destroy you with their rage” Yep, just when I thought the Narc couldn’t get any lower, they proved me wrong. Stay Strong my friends!
@@ccdm515 I have always said to myself like narcissistic evil sister is devil in real life the evilness of this people is just scary they go lower to do more evil it's so disturbing
It was the best thing I could've done as well.. my daughter's dad and I spent years butting heads because I started refusing to tolerate his manipulation anymore.. she's almost 18 now and I have completely went no contact with him.. I spent the first half of my life trying to please everyone, to my own detriment, and I finally made the choice to break that pattern and start putting my own well being first.. I refuse to live the rest of my life tryna live up to other people's expectations and standards, because I realized that no matter how much I do for others, I'd never be able to do enough to satisfy them
The trouble is they keep on.... & rarely does a protective order work, especially in the beginning....& sadly, some use the children, even into adulthood. Thankfully, one can start anew & God Almighty gives many Blessings if walking in His ways.
There are a lot of things the Lord can do to protect people, but bad things still happen to people all the time, also why would he not use people to do his work? How do you know he is strategically using other human beings to help one another? 🤷♀️
To whomever in narcissistic relationship, from tonight, I will pray for your peace and freedom. It is tough but not impossible for you to heal. Don't give up on yourself. You are an amazing being. Lots of hugs and love to all of you!
Education on narcissists is a must. People to be aware of this personality disorder. Unfortunately, we all found out after we were knee-deep in their abuse. The cart keeps coming before the horse.
I hate when you stop talking to them and then start back and they act like nothing ever happened! That showed me that they will continue on no matter what and showed me I shld do the same!
After more than a heated argument they can act as if nothing has ever happened and everything is fine and normal. How do they do that? How do they do to control their emotions in that way? It must be some kind of dementia
Ahhhhhhhh... Ending a relationship with a narcissist is like getting in a hot tub that's just the right temperature, with some cool jazz playing, with a slight buzz. It's a great feeling.
My mother used to tell me I was “ crazy” and needed psychiatric help. I said your the one lying in the bed trying to blame me for your bad behavior. I’m out here functioning like a normal adult even though you have broken my heart. To the day she died she knew I knew the truth she would not apologize or offer any regrets. I’ve been so free since her passing although 2 sisters have taken up where she left off. I put them out of my life. I refuse to live in misery. I’m very happy and free now.
@@bf6048 Sounds like you have a healthy respect for yourself and your right to wellbeing, love and respect. Good for you for breaking free from your ex predator!
"They really don't mean it." Yes, they do mean every single mean, hateful, and cruel word they say. I follow the statement by the acclaimed author and beautiful lady and person, Ms. Maya Angelo. She says, "when a person shows you who they really are believe them." When a person is downright mean, hateful, cruel and enjoys seeing you stunned and shocked by their remarks, actions, and outrageous rage explosions. Or you are emotional, sobbing, and cry your eyes out narcs. mean every single thing they do. This is all intentional. Don't be fooled.
Absolutely intentional. I'll never forget that nasty, smug, smarmy, cocky ass smirk and air about herself when she felt like she *had* me on something. ESPECIALLY if it was turning the tables because I had HER on some lie. She'd go from completely defeated body language and demeanor, to cocky, super-confident, taunting, and almost grandstanding body language at the flip of a switch as soon as she felt like she suddenly had an upper hand and could get the focus off of HER wrongdoing. And then she'd SWEAR she didn't remember doing it or acting like that when I brought it up later. 🙄 It's ALL intentional. They know EXACTLY what the hell they're doing to you when they do it...they THRIVE on it. And like Dr. Ramani said in the video...they go so long having that control, that once you figure out what's been happening all along and start backing away...they HATE it.
They mean it but it's also worth understanding that what they say is a reflection/projection of ideas and beliefs they hold about themselves. And they always have a deep lack of self worth even if they do everything in their power to make themselves and others think overwise.
Or they make up a lie about something they claim you did but you really didn't, and when you ask them for an example, they can't even give an answer to their own lies cuz they KNOW they're lying 🙄
💣💣💣 YESSSSS! the one I knew said she'd never work at my place of employment because it didn't pay enough. Month's later she was working there. I mentioned to her that she said she'd never work here ,she said " I never said that" I let her know that she absolutely said that.
Or the opposite "I've already told you that" - no you didn't. That's why they don't like it when you take notes or diarize something. Because then you know for a fact if and what they've already told you. Addition: And when you get your notes out and say: See it was that, they say "it doesn't matter now ... [changing the topic]", even though they made a big fuss about it some seconds ago. Then you know, you caught them in a lie.
@@berealrb1496 I’m so sorry. That’s incredibly hard. They can break your heart and put a serious drain on your soul until you go complete NC, then heal.
One of the following will happen: 1. The Narc will tell you, you need him/her 2. Will gaslight you 3. Silent treatment 4. Character assasination 5. Flying monkeys 6. Rage 7. Discard you before you discard them
Anybody seeking answers/help, I encourage you to continue to watch this heartfelt beautiful woman Dr. Ramani as much as you can, and, I say AND, stay with her and she will guide you out of that treacherous place that your IN... I did it, I was IN that place with NO answers and she guided out of there, BIG THANKS to you Dr. Ramani...
Fuck, that was very well put. I always knew my ex had an issue with my growth, and realised how all that time I spent feeling like I was tip toeing around more and more egg shells of her emotions wasn't because of all the 'abuse' I supposedly put her through, therefore susceptible to breaking down/being triggered much easier. And therefore it's my fault, and in the most timely fashion this sort of repenting for my past behaviours is to be accounted for "now" when I'm at my peakest. The truth was that everytime we were on the offs and I was sad and alone, I also thrived and developed as a man. At the time the motivation of doing so was so when/if we returned to eachother I'd be excited to be able to tell her all the things I did for myself to be a better man FOR her, to make her happier, be the man whose life is worth inviting somebody elses into. And each and every time, the more I grew and we got together, we seemingly just got further away. I've 'changed'. She never wanted to know anything about my new achievements, interests, skills or god forbid relationships I've developed that she wasnt there to oversee or take credit for. I fucking thought she was responsible for all my strengths, and I owed it to her. And I owe her more besides for the past abuse that turns out wasnt even close to being the case. Classic manipulation, feeling that I am everything I loathe in the world an abuser. I guess your feelings cant be devoid of reality forever though, to her misfortune that senselessness of it all dawned on me slowly but surely. Sadly for her, I wasn't too stupid for too long, and can see a pattern emerge where there is one. The more power and agency I took of my own abilities, the strength that I built - the more fragile and strange her behaviour became. She lost her control. I took back my control and in the process became a lot more mentally sharp and resilient than I wouldve been otherwise. The stronger I became, the weaker she became. And still my heart breaks a little thinking about how happy life would have been to see her happy as we grew stronger together, building one another up, admiring our successes, lifting one another up from a fall, watch someone you admire thrive against the adversities, like a role model who so happens to love you as much you love them. I spent 4 years with her feeling stuck in the same place. And now almost two years of zero contact and a sworn commitment that she best to look the other way should we ever walk across eachother. I built a business, turned it into a company, I have all the money I need to buy her all the things that we'd fantasise being. I networked a strong circle of very great people, threw off anybody that was toxic, took control over all the situations that I couldn't otherwise remove entirely. I'm 23, and just two years ago I couldn't even lift myself up from the bed, distraught, ashamed, guilt ridden, broke too lol. I suppose I always did have the ability to be the man worth another womans love and commitment, except that I had to take her out of the goddamn equation to get there. I appreciate that I am much more happier and mentally healthier now than I ever was with her, and that I should appreciate the fact that the only demons that I'm now facing is the inability to trust someone back again into my life like I had with her. I feel lonely 'at the top' and at the same time built a huge fort around me anyway, protecting everything that I built because I earnt it. I laid every brick and felt every scar that I own, if you're even thinking of coming close then good luck because I got up here alone and can damn well stay up here alone. It's a shitty, self-defeating mindset that I find myself battling against from time to time. Really though I should be glad that's as far as it goes in terms of irreperable damage and life could be a lot worse. But I'm alone anyway, I feel alone a lot. I guess that''s the price paid, maybe not. Fuck it, it is whatever tf it is. Anyway I'm rambling now. I suppose thats why your last sentence struck a chord with me, it puts together in one sentence feelings I verbalise over many pages. All the best.
@@Jupa You just have to realize that you ran into a nut and there are more out there, but now you know what they do and can spot the behavior before you become emotionally invested or have children. We had a daughter and that was a large reason I tolerated it. I ended up with full custody of my daughter.
Yeep, "my" narc just hit me with that one. She is a family member who has been giving me sh×t about my wedding (and her lack of presence at it cuz like, covid?) and my in-laws. The moment I stood up for myself she did the silent treatment. Seeing how that got no reaction from me, she flew off the handle a couple of days ago claiming I changed, then "disowned" me as a relative. Dramatic much?
@Evan Domingo they’ll feel the shame because of who they really are regardless of whether or not you shame them. If you want her to be honest and happy, you’ll be wanting for the rest of your life, because she’s incapable of both.
They always notice when they aren't getting the energy they want from you. They feed on you, they feed on the pain they cause you, and they know when you're starving them out.
Very well put. Haven't talked with youngest daughter for a year after she said she'd have my husband and my picture at the entrance of her wedding and we would be escorted out. No explanation. Here it is Christmas time and she reached out with a "happy holiday." text. I responded, after hesitation admittedly, "You as well." Well, we are currently off to the drama races with her crying to her sister that I'm a terrible mother, she can never reach out again, and she just can't believe I didn't text back more. What in the world was I supposed to say? I'm still sticking with grey rock, but it's going to test me once again on fortitude.
"the most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." Elizabeth K-Ross
Must be nice…some of us with children involved have no choice but tolerate their BS. The court system seems to ALWAYS side with the narcissist and even if you do everything you can to let them show their narcissistic sociopathic behavior the court will still favor the narcissist. It is insane.
@@MacJank7 I was the child in a family of narcissists, not spouse and took years to heal and then find my own identity. Yes, that puts me (as an adult) in a fortunate position which I am grateful for everyday. I wish the spouses and the children of... all the best in finding a way out.
@@missbilbybadinage1199 my wife and I were both married to narcissists but her ex is at the sociopath level and my step children are in the middle. It’s an insane way to live constantly in court with him for all sorts of things. We could write a book!
@@shanel4294 the kids are the ones that I feel for, their own father is abusing them and the court system is so corrupt it feels like nothing will ever happen…justice needs to be served.
That calmness that comes when they see you get it? It sends them into panic. It’s awesome. Stand in your power and their weakness will be on full display.
I understand how you feel. my teens, preteens, 20s, 30s were all difficult thanks to narc parents and friends.. i was a magnet. Doc. Ramani has made me a narc repellant now
In my experience when the narcissist figures out that you have them figured out, they rather not be around you anymore because they no longer have the control over you that crave.
@@Tiberon674 Yes, they don’t really come back. They do hoover, which I said prior, which is dependent on multiple factors. When they hoover, they are still underestimating that you’ve figured them out because they are grandiose. Yes, when the narc finally gets it, then they don’t return, but they aren’t that easy to get rid of if you have something they want. All narcissistic abuse is not the exact same. However, we know narcs were never there to begin with, it’s just an act. They pretend to comeback to destroy you for fun.
After my dad and my narc mom found out that I considered them to be abusive and the cause of my PTSD, and I left... my mom's behavior improved BEAUTIFULLY. Our relationship is now minimal and very surface-level - I see them for one day twice a year and generally only communicate with them via text otherwise. My mom realized that I could very easily have told everybody she knew how she had treated me, but I didn't. She does NOT want me to change my mind on that, so SHE is now walking on eggshells with ME! Smoothest our relationship has ever been in 38 years...
This is so brave💚, you found the courage to make the good decision for yourself! As a child who survive from this, what advice could you share with me to help my kids fighting against narcissistic adults around them? Thanks for you help
@synthiakinsa8103 I would first say to do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to get the kids away from narcissistic adults. I can't always be done, but if it's in any way possible, do it! The other thing I would suggest is to talk to your kids (in an age appropriate way) about narcissism and talk over the narc's behaviors to minimize emotional damage. So the kids don't grow up thinking the problem is them, and to give them some emotional distance. But yeah, number 1 thing is to get out of there!!
This is CRAZY that I’m seeing this now. Because I remember when I started going to therapy and became less emotionally vulnerable to her, she panicked and said that she felt like she was losing me. I said that I was trying to set up some positive boundaries and work on myself more. After that, she would push and push and push until she got the outburst out of me. The moment it would happen, she would hit me with the “wow I guess your therapy isn’t working”. Part of me wants to unblock her just to send this and then reblock her. But I don’t want her to have the satisfaction of my attention
when I started setting boundaries with communication level and when I told them that their conduct was unacceptable they went "wow I don't see why this is such a big deal you're just getting so mad at me over it" but then later said my boundary was "unattainably high and so stressful and triggering". Just infuriating
@@katieharmount158 I have shown off against narcissists and while they crave attention, they HATE negative attention, specially against others once you show their shit off
@@bikerfirefarter7280 Not really. It is well proven that a well-armed society is a stable and functional society because everyone knows they cant get away with bad behavior.
My Experience taught me - 1. Stay Calm and Detached: When engaging in conversations, especially during conflicts, remain calm and emotionally detached. 2. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your own mental and emotional health. 3. Avoid Emotional Traps: Covert narcissists often use guilt, manipulation, and passive-aggressive behavior. Recognize these tactics and avoid getting drawn into emotional traps. 4. Limit Personal Disclosure: Be cautious about sharing personal information that could be used against you. Keep certain aspects of your life private.
This is so relatable, especially number 3! I have a narcissistic friend who I am trying to distance myself from and whenever I pull away she uses hoovering tactics, manipulation and guilt tripping to reel me back in. I see what she's doing and I will not fall for it again!
Well this would have been helpful had I known what his intentions were from the beginning I’ve already opened up about everything and it’s used against me every single day
Hubby said he wasn’t in love with me anymore and was saving money to move out and i said ok…..he said he wasn’t happy and i said well I haven’t been happy for the last 8 years…..i didnt even try to get him to change his mind he was quite thrown off by that lol
Omg similar conversation I had with my ex. He said he had been unhappy for a year....and I said I had been unhappy for 6yrs. LOL. Insanity. They were like WELP. GOOD RIDDANCE.
Exact same! I firewalled my ex for several years before we finally divorced. And I heard how I never talk to him anymore, blah blah blah. He finally left and I just told him how happy it was making me. Now even after the divorce he misses his supply and someone to bully so he continues to contact me. I want to go no contact but worried what he’d do if he couldn’t email me his lies so I let him and just don’t react.
I remember my narcissistic mother would poke at me and torture me for hours with yelling and fighting until I was in a fetal position on my bed covering my ear. She would say "what's wrong with you? why are you acting crazy?" like she hadn't put me in a prison of her yelling and abuse for hours.
yes- that is why it is so important to practice self validating techniques but, I know what they say can easily break anyone down. Stay strong. My father did the same. My mother did for a time but, I suspect she suffered with CPTSD doesn't excuse her behavior (she also has never apologized for this), but I know she is not as sick as my father - I have seen goodness in her. I am sorry friend . Keep in contact with people - even if it doesn't seem possible because you are so tired and broken. Pray over your spirit and mediate and remember your worth. Fuck them.
Oh my gosh so true! She tells everyone I'm paranoid and negative and dark because she shat in the punch bowl and ruined our family. I was paranoid because she was lying and cheating, negative because she was abusing me, and dark because I felt trap, but it's all my fault according to her because I wouldn't play along anymore.
@@tiddlywinks8299 yep, if they are cheating, best believe you are a cheater. When he started saying he was scared I would kill him in his sleep, that was the end for me. I’d never even intimated I wanted to hurt him. All this crap came out of left field. No way was I staying to see if this is how he felt, and at this point we’d only been dating for two months!!! Insane!
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally, I once hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com to get the answers I needed about the narc who was being dishonest. Once I saw the truth, it became easier to move on without needing any closure from them. Honestly, it was one of the best decisions I made during that time.
When I cried and when I shared my hurt there was nothing from him, just blatant contempt. But as my knowledge grew and I began to observe his narcissist traits; the more I grey-rocked. The less emotional my actions were the more reaction I got from my exhusband. That’s when I knew he was textbook. That’s when I knew I wasn’t in a safe, healthy, loving marriage. That’s when I knew it was time for me to leave.
Yes! That final rage did it for me. I vowed I’d never risk another sleepless night-shaking, nauseated-wondering if I might be harmed by my spouse. Bye. So long. I was gone a week later...never returned.
I was raised by a narcissist mother, when I finally left home and she could no longer control me she would twist my words so she could find a reason to be angry, when that wouldn’t work she started inventing stories that never happened to become toxic about, when that failed she cut off all communication with me. That backfired on her because I find I am quite happy without her in my life.
It’s hard when your mate doesn’t see the narcissist in his family. I have to monitor every word about them to him. It may come down to leaving him to be happy.
I feel like these are the ONLY groups that completely understand my horrible world with narcissist in it. Especially, people who were raised by narcissist. My adopted mother was very similar to yours. She Was… A liar Manipulative Deceiving Revengeful Prideful Easily agitated Fake cries Selfish Hypocrite Verbally abusive Neglectful Petty Controlling Entitled Highly immature Zero self awareness Prideful/unapologetic She has natural kids that she screwed up. One is her son who is a male version of her. Her daughter is similar as well, but with some different type of demons/traits Her other son is awful as well. I can’t believe I survived that. I’m so glad that I’m not part of their blood lines.
My mom is a big time narcissist. My father couldn't abandon her so he developed a disease that eventually ended his life with her. Narcissists can make you want to die. Please be brave and fight your way out of their influence.
My dad is still with my narcissistic mom, she has a firm, almost hypnotic hold on him. At 73 he is a husk of a man, deeply resentful of her but unable to leave. He always enabled her when she abused us, probably out of relief that it wasn't him. They are both retired and cut off from 2 out of 3 of their children.
I almost lost my life being with my ex-boyfriend, because a part of me felt trapped and like I’d never escape him. I started hoarding prescription meds and was planning to end it all. Thankfully my family and friends felt something was wrong and helped me run. He began to get physical as well towards the end, so who knows if he would have ended my life in that way. I’m so sorry to hear about your father 😢
My mom is too. She ruines lives. She only acts it out towards my dad or me (the oldest). She babies my siblings. It’s all confusing. It’s been bad since I was 9. I’m now 33 and she’s the same way towards me all this time. It’s hard... you have to walk away and cut off communication.
@@PathologicallyIncurious I'm so sorry you've had to endure such torment. Feeling the only way to escape your abuser is to die is such a toxic situation to be in. Easily my worst experience ever. People who don't know have no idea
"They don't believe they're ever showed the respect they believe they deserve..." Boom, Dr. Ramani! My ex used to work himself up into a screaming rage over this once I started laying down boundaries and stopped appeasing him at every turn. He was a retired military officer, and one thing that made retirement very difficult for him was that he couldn't simply order people around any more. So he tried doing that at home. "You'd better respect my authority...!" At the kids. At me. At the dog, even. (That sounds funny, but trust me, it wasn't.) No matter how we responded to him, the rages escalated. It wasn't really about obedience. It was about him wanting our family to be a "safe space" for him to release his rage without consequence. The "respect" he wanted was the privilege to be abusive.
I cannot imagine how hard that would be to put up with. He said that to me once. I decided if he ever said it again, I was very calmly going to ask, "Why?" I won't push him into it, but I'm actually sort of looking forward to it happening one day. (Ah, the perks of developing some strength!)
@Geneva Lawrence, yep, same here. Same scenario down to the dog (dogs and cats) in my case need to obey his every word and command. The kids are older now, it's just me and the pets, so he will rage for what seems like hours, terrifying the animals and then ask why THEY act out!?! He rages at the neighbors, people on he street, in the stores you name it. Some days it would be nice to not have him around .... at all!!
I've worked with normal humanely behaved enlisted and officers. I never understood the few rageaholics who believed themselves authoritarians in many aspects of everyday life.
@@mgb7140 Well done! I love your last sentence. I wish my daughter would stand up and respect herself. She is quite a mess after 13 years with the control freak who thinks he is perfect. He even says he's perfect.
@@melissamissy5129 ignore them like sub-humans that i think they are bc they cant feel like a human being. And if they put their hands on you leave the house and call the Police. Thats what i did. I know it is hard but you have to do it. These people is just blah blah with their victims. Once the police showed up she turn into a mess. Even called her mom and sister playing the victim saying she didn't know why I called the police on her. Her mom and I spoke after and she told me that she couldn't even write down her statement for how scared she was. Most NPDs are barking dogs, but when someone else that they dont know confronts them they panic and dont know what to do. Remember it is an illusion that they create in your mind to gain control over you. I invite you to grab your arms and be brave for your own sake. No matter what the price is. The final product is worth it!!! They could look smart in front of their victims, but in reality they are stupid and once you are no longer under their spell and you think about all they said in the past will sound like nonsense and youll laugh.
So accurate. When I realized everything I did change subtly and am constantly told “you’re cold” “you’re so mean” but what they really mean is “you found me out and I see you protecting yourself and I don’t like it”
My narc left 4 months ago...he said I was angry...yes I was....I am not now Everyone sees him as the victim in this.....I am slowly thinking I'm going to be ok
@@savewaterdrinkwine3802 you will be okay. Sometimes I think I won’t ever be okay but then I remember the times when I was free and doing fine. I’ll return to that place again and so will you :)
A narcissist hates an empath, they prey on us until we see right through them and then they gaslight you, continue to lie and everything pretty much intensifies at that point and they won't stop until they've lost all control and gone off the rails🙄ugh energy vampires
*you’ve got that right* My most recent experience with my dad, I thought I was going to have a stroke riding with him. He wouldn’t say a word and he put off this demonic energy that was strangling/suffocating me. He’s got *everybody fooled* , but God made me empathic for many reasons.
@@WahineToa85 yes! I’m about to be 37 Started off life looking at him as my hero but then it began to gradually click throughout adulthood. I remember when I was about 19 I had a doctor - who my mom and dad had decided they were going to fire and replace - his last words that he said to me were *GET AWAY FROM THEM! Get AWAY from them!!* And he then fled. It did not hit me at the time
They’re drawn to us. Because we give and give and give, we are excellent victims to feed from. (Though I don’t believe I am a true empath. I’ve just had enough trauma that I’m hyper aware of shifts in tone and expression.
Wow I am the empath my roommate is the narcissist. She deflects like nobody I have ever seen. Lies to just lie. And gaslights constantly. But she sucks at it because i don't play into that crap. We are good as long as i don't hang around her area of the house to much
The only thing I regret was not leaving sooner, so if you are on the fence about leaving this person do not stay any longer. It all turns out to be smoke and mirrors in the end anyway.
Taylor Thomas. You are so right! You can go back all you want and in the end it turns out to be all smoke and mirrors in the end. I used my life up running in and out of my narcissistic marriage. I truly him found out. And left him with no contact and didn’t look back. I must have been so naive. I can’t believe I didn’t see him for what he was. God allowed me to see him for what he was and that my marriage wasn’t going to get any better. Thank God ! Whew!!!
The longer you wait, the worse it will be when it does end. It will either end, or you will live out the rest of your days in misery. Your choice my friend.
@@vulc1 Mine would tell me "If I'm wrong, I want people to tell me so I can fix it!". However, I am always vilified when I try to point out her errors. If someone speaks against her, they become the enemy. I have seen her shun long time friends and mentors from her life because they dared to challenge her unacceptable behavior.
This happened to me around 12 months ago, I studied lots of information and I gradually 'got it', youre absolutely correct in everything you say abut the reactions... apparently Im cold, have changed, Im not the person they knew anymore etc.... and Im truly grateful to all of you for the help I have had, I will not lose another fight, thank you so much! Grey Rock is my middle name, I have come to realise the way to react to a narcissists bait, is simply not to react.
The second the “veil” lifted and I checked out emotionally, is the day I was able to stop my antidepressants. Cold turkey. Made me realise my depression was completely situational.
Right 😮! I've literally had the same experience.. I got so much relief from realising I'm not the source of the problem.! Now to face the "punishment of seeing it as it is"
Thank you for sharing that ! It opened my eyes...never thought that depression can be situational... and it makes sense. Only in my life my grandma is very toxic. She is old and weak so she doesn't have the strength to play these games anymore but sometimes she still likes to surprise me ;(
Yup! I was diagnosed at 13 with bpd and for years I thought I just overreacted to situations or things he said because of how sensitive borderline people are, I was on medication and using weed heavily to cope (when he was home). Literally the moment the “veil” lifted ( trauma bond broke) I started to realize I had changed as a person. He wasn’t getting a reaction from me. He started getting meaner and meaner and became more abusive. I stayed steady and called the popo on him. He is facing 5 felony charges that he confessed to. I think he could sense I hated him towards the end. I haven’t had one day since leaving that I have felt like I had bpd. Not one day where I felt every emotion at 100%. I’ve been scared and anxiety riddled because of everything going on, but I don’t feel crazy. My therapist said it’s been so long that I was even diagnosed that I’d have to be tested again. I’m going to wait until his court dates are over and he is officially charged before I go for that test, but I’m confident without someone pushing my buttons 24/7 just so that they can turn around just to call me the crazy one, that I probably don’t qualify for it anymore. Anyone would react if they heard daily who they’d sleep with and listen to how he’d love to sleep with the female relatives in my family. I could go on and on. He’d deliberately cheat then run home and tell me not to get mad, then when I finally did he’d turn around and be like “I tell you everything, at least I told you, wow I’ll never tell you anything again, you’re just crazy”. 😒 Edit 2: I also feel really happy. I feel calm. I don’t even feel like the same person I was with him.
Me realizing that my lifelong ADHD which doesn't respond to meds might actually be a symptom of CPTSD from being raised by a narc. My therapist said it's possible. The more work I do since realizing my mother is a narcissist and limiting contact, my psych numbers are improving across the board. They test me every couple weeks and they just keep getting better.
Honestly I think narcissists are actually extortionists. That’s what they’re doing. They’re bullies. After they’ve cornered someone, the behavior just gets worse and they become abusive.
Yes! This is correct, the narcissists in my life had me cornered after I gave birth and their behaviour became more and more abusive. I still 3 years later have anxiety about what I experienced. Never again.
I calmly told my ex he seemed like a narcissist and he sat down in front of me and dropped his head and 2 seconds later leaped forward and put me in a choke hold. Stay safe!
I would be wary of overtly calling them out. Like she said in this video they are in tune, of a sorts, to their environment and can tell when a person knows. Gaslighting is generally bad but is a good defense against a narcissist. I see it as much like learning a martial art. I don't do it to go out and hurt people but rather to develop discipline and to be able to defend myself should I need to. My suggestion would be to attempt to simply observe and let any anger you feel go and to simply ask them questions which do not allow them to brag or feed that need to be better than.
@@lodenco691 Ask questions or make statements which do not let them feel better than. An example could be from a workplace where they completed some project or whatever and are trying to get us to bow to how awesome they are for finishing it. An example could be something like: "That was a good project" vs "You did a really good job", "That kind of project is what we really needed to get done" vs something like "We couldn't have done it without you", etc. In this really simple example this narcissist actually did something useful but since they are a narcissist they only did that to gain the praise of others. We can recognize that the completion of the project was useful, important, etc but not *them* and if possible we should suggest that anyone could have done it just as well as they did. Another example, and one I actually use/have used, relates to what I call "enlightened narcissists" that are pretty easy to find in many spiritual circles is what I call "paradoxing". This is much like a zen cohen and for basically everyone, except a narcissist, it will cause us to question our reality and our perception of it. An example I use is something like "I find myself contemplating how real the unreal is to some people. Isn't it amazing how real delusion is to the sick mind?". I use this in response to what I call "yous". Which are people in spiritual circles who use the word "you" a lot when getting obnoxiously preachy. Like I said these shouldn't be used against "normal people" except in the case of paradoxing and someone specifically looking for it(like wanting to practice zen). Outside of that I see it a lot like punching someone in the face. We shouldn't do that, like ever, unless we are being forced to defend ourselves.
Dr. Ramani, do you even realize how many people you are helping? You are a Godsend to so many survivors of narcissistic abuse. Just love you, as does everyone! God bless.
I just found this video yesterday and it's explained so much about how my "ex" girlfriend (who somehow still treats me like a partner even though SHE broke up with me) has been treating me.
Wow… it feels so good to be validated through your videos… I recently “broke the code” In a friendship… they had been doing this for years but they crossed the line that hurts me more than anything and THEY knew this specifically was a trigger for me. They even started of the conversation with “ sometimes I don’t want to trigger you with these….” And went on to explain and add salt to their point. I was boiling and they practically taunted me. I am fully removing myself
I wholeheartedly agree; your comforting persona and mind-blowing accuracy of their behaviour validates my newly acquired mindset and recovery from my own narcissist trauma. Thank you ❤
Thank you - thank you. And you know, I am kind of getting away from this by also understanding that I am also growing myself and start setting my boundaries in a better way.
Let's take a moment and give this woman an applause. It might sound simple but this woman saved my life and sanity. I'm living a new life because of u Dr ramani. Thank u so so so much.
You remove yourself from the narcissist. You trust your own intuition. You accept defeat. You will not win this. Thinking you’re going to fix this is narcissistic behavior in its own. You have to break the cycle. Let it all go. Move on. Figure it out. Think your own solutions through and do it for you. Not for the chance that they’ll change. Again, narcissistic stuff. A narcissist will infect you with narcissistic behavior. Don’t assume you’re in the clear from being a narcissist yourself. I’ve heard myself over the years get pretty narcissistic. Im able to recognize I don’t like that person in me though they end up with me isolated. You’ve got this fellow person!
Lol, perfect! I got my narc MIL where it hurts when she sent voice recordings to my husband threatening me (as well as my father in law?!) and claiming I was cheating on him. I told her I would send all the recordings to the police, the local newspapers, and the city politicians if she said another word about me. She's a politician and I knew her ego was the only way to stop her because no contact did not help. Rabbit with a gun indeed 🤣!!
My gosh I can’t believe I’ve been living through this. All the horrible things said to me that “don’t count” because they were angry. Oh man, just kept listening and this stuff is verbatim my life. It made no sense, I thought I was crazy.
Regina woess: met my narc in 1992 2 grown up kids , shes had my repalcement and divorced again. Finally realised the love story was in my head. It was the lovebombing that got me addicted. Narcissists wsste peoples lives , they are horrible.
I have that image in my head . That cute 17 cute innocent year old girl, i remember 1st day we met , exactly what she was wearing , the emotions, everything and the lovebombing soon after. All these yeaars laters and a new grand daughter every memory has come back to haunt me mainly bad m3moried. We have been divorced many years but i remember when it all went wrong , was when i acknowledged i loved her. Thats where the discard and narcissism came into play like a textbook. Watch out people narcissism is real and very damaging
I had a lodger like this. She constantly lied to me and the other lodger. She would do sneaky things out of retaliation to me behind my back. So I would be thinking it was her but I couldn’t prove it was because it was always when I was out, not in the home. She would constantly tell me her sob story expecting me to just feel sorry for her. And then pretend to be nice to me other times. She thought she was buying her immunity to not get kicked out and that she was more self entitled now to act how she wants and disrespect me and all the house rules. Then when caught out on anything she would lie, deflect and eventually blamed me. The day she blamed me, insulted me and shouted at me in my own home in front of my family member, I told her to leave immediately. Of course consequences to this. She came back with rage to collect her stuff by getting her angry spiteful friend to shout in my face. They left rubbish and didn’t clear up and ruined an important meeting I was having on my phone before that. Truly disgusting and self entitled people. I’m so glad I spotted this fake and toxic piece of slime before getting into deep and letting her stay longer. She banged on door after to ask for the rest of the terns money back. Even though she had damaged property on purpose and I hadn’t asked for a deposit in the beginning. So I told her ‘I don’t owe you anything! If you come near my house I’ll call someone’ And haven’t spoken to her since. I’m so glad that she will be without a home for the next few months while she is trying to find a place to live. I wouldn’t usually if it was anyone else. But she really was something else! 😅 In all honesty, I hope she learns something from this experience so that she doesn’t do this to someone else again.
BINGO! Someone give this guy a prize! Complete distance in every and all aspects, is the best medicine when dealing with a narcissist. I advocate three distances to completely break away. Physical distance is the start of the healing process, with out it you will continue to be abuse and traumatized. Psychological distance is where you stop behaving like you were, in the battle of a life, with the narcissist (there's a lot of damage to unpack sometimes). Lastly mental distance which is where you stop thinking about the narcissist's arguments, embarrassing situations, the things you hated about them, how what they did was so wrong, etc. Once you have all those distances going, then you are truly free and will never go back again!
Yes! Once you see it and know it. You rly start avoiding not only the narcissistic person but any toxic person for that matter. I pay attention to their actions and behaviors. I have healthy boundaries now and I don’t wanna be bothered by toxic people.
Yep, after I figured out my first gf was a narc I started noticing similar traits in other people around me. I dont really cut them off or anything but i notice the things they do and know whether or not i can trust them now
My mom is a narcissist. She ruined my childhood. I'm 42, but I didn't realize she was a narcissist until a few years ago. A few years ago I cut off contact with her and stopped playing her game. She tried to turn other people against me. It worked for a while, but she eventually failed. She gave up. She knew her game wouldn't work on me anymore. I maintain minimal contact with her now. It is relatively pleasant now because she doesn't try her tricks on me anymore. If you have a narcissist in your life, get away from them. They are broken, toxic monsters who will poison your life and they'll never get better.
Id like to add my personal opinion in that there is some small silver linings to being slightly introverted and having misanthropic tendencies, its sometimes difficult for even the best of people to get close to me let alone narcassists. Im not even entirely sure I've ever met one. Definitely don't think I've ever dated one and now at 41 would be near impossible I'd let myself get that close to one. I have very little patience for people in general let alone a narcissist.
it's strange how your own mother can bring you into this world but be envious/jealous/toxic towards their own offspring.. its strange, just remember they brought you into this world.. thats the only job they had to do.. the rest is up to you.. have you ever thought she might have mental health issues and not be as toxic as you think? keep her sweet, but keep your distance.. today and tomorrow is not promised for anybody, its better keeping cool with her if you can help it and keep distance, but don't cut her off entirely, its your mother and in the future you might regret it.
I'm really sorry about your mum and I can't imagine what you have gone through to get this glorious perspective xxxx you must be pretty smart as well, even with the horrible realisation. Maybe you may have a role in the future showing people how to navigate the dangerous waters of parental narcissism ❤
@@chucklakeridge7944 I was just thinking about how different it would be to have a narcissistic parent as opposed to a partner. I think it might force you to at least try and make sense of it with some kind of love because you couldn't get away when you were a child xxx
@@rvunited1524 Sure, it's what they say to boost and protect their ego from a person getting away. Also to try and save face by demonizing the other party (when they're the demon). We all know deep down they're seething that they lost a form of supply though.
@@ashleywalmer do not give notice. Try and pretend everything is as normal until you can go. Make sure they don't know your new address or workplace. Good luck
Omg covert ex LITERALLY said "Life would be so much easier if everybody would just do what I want." Sometimes they just lay it all out so clearly, you can't help but see it
Same. They don't grow at all as a perosn. They don't care how their actions and choices have negatively affected people around them including their own children. They are so self centered amd evil.
Most are this way. Their denial is so extreme it is actually very pointless to try to get them to accept or admit anything or that you *know* what they are doing. Best route is just to cut all contact. It really doesn’t matter if they ever see because you make them irrelevant to your life.
The best solution i found against narcissist ppl, is to completely ignore them or cut them off. Think of them like u don't know them, ignore them like u ignore a stranger. It's just hi hello stranger
I understand now why one of the last things I said to him before he disappeared was "I'm not going to defend myself for things you make up in your head"! I was done playing the game.
Confrontation is also exposing the narc at the same time! Like let me make you feel weak af for a change. I guess you couldn't handle that for few sec cause you're just a sorry as* coward punk!
I like telling a Narcissist to their face that they are a Narcissist. And, I mention that shit that they pull doesn’t work on me. They look at me like I’m crazy. 💜💜💜
I can attest. Our eldest kid used to always "isolate" his Mom if he had a "need" to be fulfilled. Favorite tactic if any resistance was shown was "I know how your mind works"....even accompanied by laughter. I realised this and gave my wife some advice to "turn the tables." When the next episode came up my wife was wise to it and opened up her response by saying "you state you know how my mind works" and received the almost contemptuous laugh from our kid. However, her next statement was "guess what? I ALSO know how YOUR mind works.' The result was the "hare in the headlights" look. But not for long. They are relentless.
I literally told my narcissist to stop manipulating in gaslighting me. He stepped out of the car in the middle of traffic, and I haven't heard from him since.
Yes! I looked at my bf's phone and found out he went to another state at 4am and never mentioned. Once I questioned him about it he moved out and started living at a hotel. He refused to discuss it. He ran and hid like a little "B".
As long as you give them worship, they love you, or pretend to. The moment we stop, they become angry but pass it off with silence and bouts of pouting, or talking nasty about us to others. No more. I have firewalls that are NEVER coming down. The moment we set boundaries- we HEAL. ❤
SO ABSOLUTELY TRUE. Suddenly teh day I decided not to endlessly ruminate on how to fix the relationship was the same day I felt so much happier about myself and my life.
When I began to study Stoicism, I understood what I was doing wrong. I didn't know the power was within me all along, and not determinant on the external circumstances.
You nailed it. The narcissist I knew seemed to sense when I saw something was wrong with him. His tantrum was similiar to a toddler. I was fortunate that his loss of control caused him to run away.
Ah yes...the tantrum lol. The narc literally fell down on the floor in front of me and rolled around like a two-year old. A grown azz middle aged man. It was so pathetic. :(
@@mizztotal I know that wasn't fun for you bc I have seen a 65+ y/o woman throw a toddler tantrum (she was a narc), and all I could think was "Wtf is wrong with her?" It wasn't just me either; my sister asked the same thing. I think we all throw tantrums to an extent when angry, but rolling around on the floor? That's a special kind of hopeless.
I am confidently in the indifference stage and I want to deeply thank you Dr Ramani your channel has been such a vital essence of breaking out of an extremely suffocating & narcissistic abusive relationship. Thank you for all the work you do and the content you bring us.
Thank you for sharing! I’m so DONE playing their games. I pray I can find a way to become financially independent and move out! I pray for anyone else who is struggling to find their freedom!
When youve started figuring things out youre labeled "abusive". If you get mad at a narcissist for being shitty, you are NOT being abusive. Please remember this ❤
He labeled me manipulative 😆 and I asked the people he had told, how was I manipulative? None could explain, then they realised he didn't break it down for them, when one called him up and inquired he quickly hang up giving an excuse of his lawyer was calling him he would call back almost a month he hasn't called back. 😂
Thank you! To the comments here, exactly what he did to me. He told me I’m narcissistic and manipulative. I calmly, instead of giving him the high energy I usually do, just said okay, I agreed with him he got more rageful and the relationship ended. So bizarre. Now to heal and protect myself from this happening again.
Youre welcome everyone. My mom has munchausen by proxy and diagnosed me with "high functioning" aspbergers to get social security. She never gave me a cent and stuck me in a bunch of terrible living situations after i started questioning things when i was around 25 just to prove her point; she even knowingly let me live in a foreclosed home for 50 bucks a month while keeping the rest. After I finally figured things out i eventually became my own payee then got rediagnosed as neurotypical. My symptoms i displayed as a kid were due to emotional abuse and neglect. I no longer have social security at this point. Ive encountered a bunch of narcissists since and its always the same pattern of behavior, but i cant help but feel sorry for them because they grew up in similar situations. It sucks how instead of learning and growing they use their past pain to their advantage and to manipulate others because they feel sorry for them. My mom is no different. Im no contact and way better because of it. I hope everyone gets out and gets help. Also, people who are autistic or aspies are beautiful humans who dont deserve the stigmas i witnessed. My so called "therapy groups" i went to were intended to cure them instead of work with them. Autism does not need to be cured ❤
So true. They push you to your limits and take great delight when u finally snap, as if its your fault then they make out u are the nasty one. So sad but so true
@@jamesparothy4675 I'm addicted to my Narc who keeps breaking up with me to fuck other girls. Been trying to get away for 3 years. I'm so brainwashed and broken. Her videos make me feel a little less alone and tiny stronger.
In my experience when a narc knows you know, he takes off his mask completely when he's around you and the abuse is at an all time high. He doesn't even try to pretend anymore. He may even start a smear campaign to get him ahead of possibly being exposed.
There's a whole Facebook page to smear my name. The propaganda was started covertly when I was still there, but she kept saying"you're not a bad person" " I want to make this work" but she was also doing nasty things and taunting me with little bits of evidence.
"For all of their lack of empathy, people with narcisistic personalities are tremendously attuned to the world around them, but from a very egocentric point of view." THIS!
That’s why they’re so intense and why they’re able to reel in empathetic people so easily. They “feel” so intense and unlike any other person, it’s surreal. The sex is incredible too.
@@user-gp5yh7eg4z I literally thought my ex was a goddess, and I ain’t no simp. She just had that effect on me, I thought she was incredible. Smart, sexy, deep, introverted, almost attuned to another level of awareness, it fascinated me. My friends and family used to tell me “nobody is like that, trust me”. And that just made me love her even more, I thought I had found a truly special girl.
@Hose Hernandez She would “flip” back and forth between being incredibly loving and completely cold and horrible to me. She would switch on a dime. It was like she got possessed. It happened pretty much every single day. For the longest time I thought she had multiple personality disorder, that’s how scary the change up was. But I later found out that this is who she was all the time, I wash just too blind to see it. She’s not insane, she’s a narcissist. The cycles of love bombing, abuse, etc...that she gave me is exactly the same. I was abused for over a year. And when I finally let go, it was a withdrawal that broke my very soul. I remember hugging the toilet as throwing up for hours straight because I was missing her so much. It was what I imagine a heroin withdrawal to be like, but it lasted months. I was so in love with this perfect idea of her and at the same time stuck in this cycle of abuse that it physically broke my body down. You need to understand that she was absolutely gorgeous, had the body of gal gadot and the face of Sarah Silverman. And I’ve never connected with someone on such a soul, spiritual level, like we were connected so deeply, we finished each other’s sentences, the sex was the best feeling I could ever imagine. I still know I won’t find someone that makes me feel as intensely in love as her, but I won’t find someone who abuses me as much either so I guess it’s worth it.
I think it scares them when they don't get their desired reaction. And when you start to see through narcissistic rage instead of being scared of it- that is a turning point. I wish everyone can know that there are better things coming than this nonsense.
I’m sitting here laughing my rear off. Once again, Dr. Ramani, spot on!…Spot on!!! They also pay closer attention to when your tired and your tolerance is lower so it’s guaranteed that you’ll snap.
but, when you're tone is tired or too Hugh pitched because you're tired and want some sleep, oh no, that's being emotional. or when your tears can't not fall anymore and he says "ouch, Gah, my ears!" and /or too with a "if you're going to talk in that whiny voice and continue to cry. I'm going to leave. you CAN TOO help it, you don't have to talk like that. no you don't. tHts it, in done" me: crying, sad, now crying more. one day, I'll break my personal cycle too, like so many. one day, and one step at a time.
@@katelynpotter1218 Don't give in to nonsense dialogue. Negative attention is better than no attention...so they'll take it. Its just power to hurt you with. No response works best. There's no question in a statement. Don't respond. Or if you must say, ' I don't have a response'. It's similar to 'whatever' but less angry. You need to feel that 'whatever' zone. Reverse psychology. Slow your response. Something. Gain more control over yourself.
sums up my mom's words when I asked why she has to say hurtful things when she knows people get upset? She says she believes you should be able to say what's on your mind at all times. I avoid conflict so this always mystified me. She gets upset because people "don't have sense of humor" or "people cannot discuss anything these days!"
We need to teach our children to recognize these personalities. Narcissism is part of the national discussion or at least it needs to be. It’s a great relief to hear someone put this all into words .
I always thougt my mother was a narcicist because she has only pictures of herself in the house, because she thinks she is always looking better or younger than others... I learned now from these videos that there is soo much more going on. I realize now that she has been manipulating me so badly. Since a few days, I'm not falling for her tricks anymore and she begins to realize it. I can't believe that it will get much worse. Hopefully not, but I am prepared. I really feel good knowing what is actually going on. Thank you so much for the clear explanations.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
“They know they are lying. We know they are lying. They know we know they are lying. We know that they know that we know that they are lying. And yet they continue to lie.”
Utter craziness but so true.
It's like: chill, let's just pretend things are like this. I'll pretend my lies are reality and you just do the same. Do not insist.
There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we
do not know. But there are also unkown unknowns. The ones we don't know, we don't know. - Donald Rumsfield
Like permanent 5 year olds.
@@KO-lq1yo looking forward to it.
Simple. No contact. My life has never been better.
True....unfortunately they turn into stalkers. Be careful my friends.
It’s the best option.
@kiran menon it's TRAUMA bonding and cognitive dissonance...it does get better but you have to know what your up against...my soon to be ex swears I'm the narcasist..yet I didn't abuse, cheat, lie or neglect him. Progress not perfection...I'm working on new beginnings and being a better person...he never will!
@kiran menon i understand...its the trauma bonding and cognitive dissidence that leaves us connected...its a recovering process that worse than any drug....they nave memories but when you look back all they remember is what mattered to them...mine can't remember or see anything good about me although I supported him financially, emotionally and physically.....just the fact you are researching all of this means you are healing...I bounce from different levels of recovery from day to day...some days anger, some days forgiveness, but the key is to keep moving forward...everything happens is from god or is meant to happen....I choice to let all the abuse not bring me down but to encourage me to be a better person...progress not perfection...hang in there....it was from god that I was financially able to get out.....god was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself....hang in there my friend
@kiran menon sorry I was responding to another post....im not a professional only a survivor of two narcissistic marriages...your counselor probably has better answers than I do, but sexual abuse is a common trait that they use against us to keep us connected...mine was/is addicted to sex,porn, sexting and cheating....its something that he has to work on....marraiges are far more than sex, yes it important and if your needs are not getting met mutually then only you can move on, you are not responsible for her reactions to you....
Their biggest insecurity tends to be how useless they are without others to do things for them…
Bruh
That is spot on.
NAILED it.
Right cause he did get to using me a lot to sort his mess out.
@ right, when they ask you to the smallest things that anyone can and should be able to do… 😭
They didn't notice you when you were crying, you make a shift in their supply and they notice it. WOWZA! Very TRUE!
A narcissist will lie even when they don’t need to; as though they are just practicing their craft.
Yes! ....that's what they do and its Pathetic
Or they've just come to the point where they can't tell the truth.
I felt that…
Whether they lie, tell the truth or give an excuse,, they’re practicing their craft.
They’re always practicing their craft .,, they feel good at it,, or better yet they feel the best at it
Yessss…Lying for random inconsequential things ….made zero sense. Obsessive habit of lying and hiding any and everything. Like keys and papers and virtually anything. I’m think they are scared insecure morons actually. I almost went insane
So true and funny 😅
Yep, and if they can't control you, they'll try to control how other people see you.
This explains what my child’s teacher is doing, thank you
日本人ですか？🙂
... That is why they listen!
so true like jerry wise did to me when I reached out to this person for help
facts
My dad is the narcissist in my life… He recently realized “I know”.. He asked me have I ever considered talking to a therapist then proceeded to make me an appt with one he knew personally.. He paid for it so I agreed and went… Within 5 min of the session I said “I really don’t need to be here, my dad should be in this chair..” and the therapist said, “I know.”….
😂😂That clever on your part.
LOOOL. I needed this. Thank you
@@PS-nv2qpRiiiiigggghhhht. So its definitely not YOU.....
@@velveetaslingshot that's the point - it could be me, could be you
@@PS-nv2qp No. Thats not how narcissism works. I am truly sorry for the people I have hurt with my poor behaviour. Now lets hear you apologize for what you've done...
You have literally changed my life by helping me empower and also forgive myself for more than 30 years of narcissistic abuse from my mother. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
women are evil, you are welcome 🤙🏻
The key to removing a narcissist from your life is making them think it was their idea.
Sadly doesn't work in every case...
Until they figure out what you did there...then no contact is very crucial coz they will be coming with hell fire behind them to "win" it's saddening. Let's just hope they never find out.
I just did that. He (a guy that I've had NO contact with for 40+ years!) sent me a 'friend request.' Short story shorter: he sent a message that I'm a moron, a fool, and I should "...go get polio...bye bye." I think he was drunk from the # of incomplete or misspelled words. My reply: "lovely" That was easy. I only wish I had included the # of the local AA house.
Lol
wow, so true. that's what happened to me, and it seemed to work.
I love the "You changed" tactic. Yes I changed! The old me would've let you disrespect me.
They'll also say "You haven't changed" if you tell them "I was stupid for thinking you'd changed" because there's no logic for what's used to hurt the victim, just whatever sounds snappy and painful.
@dGuy "I'm not changing for you" or "If you knew me, you would notice"
“When you were normal” I was told this by a narcissistic sibling after a loved one found a childhood photo of me she called me and said this when you were normal I miss when you were normal.” Me being normal was being open to any treatment.
I've heard the "why are you like this" when I didn't answer a baited question before
Hear this all the time ftom my mother..and a lot worse
The narcissist not noticing your needs, but noticing a shift in narcissistic supply is a revelation. It's so true.
OMG YES!!!!
@@chriswyma145 Yep. Going through this RIGHT NOW. Step one was to stop trying to argue or defend... it became more and more apparent that the arguments had absolutely nothing to do with what she attacks me about, but were just to start a conflict. When I stopped arguing the attacks became more frequent and hostile. And more ridiculously petty, sometimes even comical. Yesterday it was over me opening a window to let beautiful clean spring air into the house. How could I possibly be so stupid and insensitive? 🙂
Now when she gets in my face with some inane complaint rather than defending myself - which is exactly what she wants - I wait till she gets close (she always closes in as she spins herself up) and concentrate on looking right into her eyes to see how large her pupils become. I have noticed that the more enraged she becomes, the larger they get. I use that distraction to maintain my own detachment, then either formulate a brief disengagement statement to create a pause in her attack and walk away, or if I have to, just walk away without saying anything. Lately I have made a game of creating my own 'word salad' to feed her to disrupt her for a second and leave. It's a lot like yelling at an aggressive dog to stop him in his tracks. It works briefly.
For a long time I thought not defending myself and walking away was 'letting her win'. In fact just the opposite is true, as borne out by her increasing irritation since I learned how to do this. There really is no winning, not for her or me. Only surviving and distancing. Maybe she'll accept help one day but I really doubt it. I gave up on trying to convince her.
when i started stonewalling my narcissist he would complain to other people that i operated on "attention currency." like what. way to project.
@@bunz6268 Way. To. Project. For them, I mean. Wow.
It was for me too 🤦♀️
The big problem is entitlement. False sense of sense of high self Esteem. Aka " bully"
Exactly this! Insecurity disguised as entitlement and superiority, classic bully. It becomes obvious when you know the signs.
You nailed it! 🎉
“They need you to take the bait and behave in an unhinged way, so they can feel better about themselves”
So relatable. He drives me to my breaking point and then I explode, looking like the crazy one.
Same here. She got what she wanted in that regard.
I hope you get to use the past tense soon. I wish you the best!!
Just like that 😱 OMG.My kids father.
It sucks when they have flying monkeys to antagonize you and make you blow up or change tone or use words like "Whatever." Had that happen to me and I just walked away then they said, "just walk away like everyone else has how rude"
Yep! Talk about ‘bait’ my narcissistic sister wanted me to blow up at our large family reunion.. I never took the bait… her final push was to give my 14 y/o son a low alcohol BEER! When he said look what Aunt R** gave me.. I looked past him to see her grinning & smirking.
I just smiled (it was hard) and said let’s show this to dad.
We met with Dad, and I told son to smile as I did.., hubby says “ok what’s with the crazy smiles?” I said “smoke hunny”
I asked if he could see my sister over my shoulder, he could , and then we explained what just happened. He calmly (amazing, considering how ticked he was) and told son that my sister just wanted mom to blow up!
He said ‘let’s walk over there and watch the ball game and you will just drop it in the trash can’. As we walked with our arms around each other.
She also had a relative convinced that she gave a SODA to my son!
“In a way you’re kind of screwed once the narcissist knows that you know…..they will try to destroy you with their rage” Yep, just when I thought the Narc couldn’t get any lower, they proved me wrong. Stay Strong my friends!
The devil is the "most low", narcissistic folk are varying levels of lowness
Same... They can always go lower, that is unbelievable!
Let him bring it....I'll never back down from a punk narc...!
Sending you all the hugs. I hope you get through this with some semblance of yourself intact.
@@ccdm515 I have always said to myself like narcissistic evil sister is devil in real life the evilness of this people is just scary they go lower to do more evil it's so disturbing
When a narcissist says you’re being cold when you ignore their bullying 😂
So true,
That made me lol 🤣😂 oh my gosh that's true.
Or when they tell you that you're lying because you always look at them when you're talking and they are talking 😂😂😂
OMG, that happened to me and I even apologized for having been "cold".. bcuz back then I didn't know narcissim exists. So glad I dropped her now.
Yeah I know
Once you get it it’s no going back. This information saves sanity and lives
You got that right! There’s no unseeing the truth!
Going no contact and accepting full responsibility for my life was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I have a granddaughter with her. So not that simple
It was the best thing I could've done as well.. my daughter's dad and I spent years butting heads because I started refusing to tolerate his manipulation anymore.. she's almost 18 now and I have completely went no contact with him.. I spent the first half of my life trying to please everyone, to my own detriment, and I finally made the choice to break that pattern and start putting my own well being first.. I refuse to live the rest of my life tryna live up to other people's expectations and standards, because I realized that no matter how much I do for others, I'd never be able to do enough to satisfy them
That responsibility part was key for me.
The trouble is they keep on.... & rarely does a protective order work, especially in the beginning....& sadly, some use the children, even into adulthood. Thankfully, one can start anew & God Almighty gives many Blessings if walking in His ways.
I've been none contact for 3yrs she has 3 arrest warrents out she's hooked on drugs and I win
This women is doing the Lords work
Is he too busy to do it himself?
Does he not use people as vessels?
@@dferg6339 Why? He could do much better. In fact he could stop narcissistic people from even being there.
There are a lot of things the Lord can do to protect people, but bad things still happen to people all the time, also why would he not use people to do his work? How do you know he is strategically using other human beings to help one another? 🤷♀️
@@dferg6339 Maybe he’s not doing anything, maybe he’s not really there. Who would notice the difference?
To whomever in narcissistic relationship, from tonight, I will pray for your peace and freedom. It is tough but not impossible for you to heal. Don't give up on yourself. You are an amazing being. Lots of hugs and love to all of you!
Thank you ♥️
Thank you
Education on narcissists is a must. People to be aware of this personality disorder. Unfortunately, we all found out after we were knee-deep in their abuse. The cart keeps coming before the horse.
Amen. Thanks
Thanks mil is the narcasisst in my life
I hate when you stop talking to them and then start back and they act like nothing ever happened! That showed me that they will continue on no matter what and showed me I shld do the same!
They really do. They act like they didn't just threaten your livelihood and your family. It's amazing. And downright scary.
Yes, this is so creapy behaviour.
Can you elaborate a little more on what exactly you wanted to say?
After more than a heated argument they can act as if nothing has ever happened and everything is fine and normal. How do they do that? How do they do to control their emotions in that way? It must be some kind of dementia
Wow. I just now realized this was a major show from my stbx narc. Thanks for calling this out.
Ahhhhhhhh... Ending a relationship with a narcissist is like getting in a hot tub that's just the right temperature, with some cool jazz playing, with a slight buzz. It's a great feeling.
😂
Have been there before, TS hot, I thank God i over came
I'm scared hes going to expose explicit pictures of myself to my family members or even hurt one of them..
Not always…💔💔💔💔
😂
I am in real tears knowing that I’m not crazy . Thank you so much for this
My mother used to tell me I was “ crazy” and needed psychiatric help. I said your the one lying in the bed trying to blame me for your bad behavior. I’m out here functioning like a normal adult even though you have broken my heart. To the day she died she knew I knew the truth she would not apologize or offer any regrets. I’ve been so free since her passing although 2 sisters have taken up where she left off. I put them out of my life. I refuse to live in misery. I’m very happy and free now.
You’re NOT crazy. You are not alone!!
@@bf6048 Sounds like you have a healthy respect for yourself and your right to wellbeing, love and respect. Good for you for breaking free from your ex predator!
I was saved by videos like this and thought the same thing. I'm really not crazy.
Hang in there and keep trying and keep learning. There can be hope.
"They really don't mean it." Yes, they do mean every single mean, hateful, and cruel word they say. I follow the statement by the acclaimed author and beautiful lady and person, Ms. Maya Angelo. She says, "when a person shows you who they really are believe them." When a person is downright mean, hateful, cruel and enjoys seeing you stunned and shocked by their remarks, actions, and outrageous rage explosions. Or you are emotional, sobbing, and cry your eyes out narcs. mean every single thing they do. This is all intentional. Don't be fooled.
Absolutely intentional. I'll never forget that nasty, smug, smarmy, cocky ass smirk and air about herself when she felt like she *had* me on something. ESPECIALLY if it was turning the tables because I had HER on some lie. She'd go from completely defeated body language and demeanor, to cocky, super-confident, taunting, and almost grandstanding body language at the flip of a switch as soon as she felt like she suddenly had an upper hand and could get the focus off of HER wrongdoing.
And then she'd SWEAR she didn't remember doing it or acting like that when I brought it up later. 🙄
It's ALL intentional. They know EXACTLY what the hell they're doing to you when they do it...they THRIVE on it. And like Dr. Ramani said in the video...they go so long having that control, that once you figure out what's been happening all along and start backing away...they HATE it.
yes they sure do mean it
They mean it but it's also worth understanding that what they say is a reflection/projection of ideas and beliefs they hold about themselves.
And they always have a deep lack of self worth even if they do everything in their power to make themselves and others think overwise.
@@Jdizzlefreeone yes they do mean every single mean word. I use to say best find a god because they dont care who they hurt.gone way too far.
But isnt any medication for IT?
My ex was often suspicious of everything about others. Later I realized it was because he often deceived others, and he thought everybody is like him.
this is a bot account 🐑
When they say “I never said that”😂 yes you did
“That didn’t happen the way you’re saying it!” Yes, it did
Or they make up a lie about something they claim you did but you really didn't, and when you ask them for an example, they can't even give an answer to their own lies cuz they KNOW they're lying 🙄
💣💣💣 YESSSSS! the one I knew said she'd never work at my place of employment because it didn't pay enough. Month's later she was working there. I mentioned to her that she said she'd never work here ,she said " I never said that" I let her know that she absolutely said that.
Or the opposite "I've already told you that" - no you didn't. That's why they don't like it when you take notes or diarize something. Because then you know for a fact if and what they've already told you.
Addition: And when you get your notes out and say: See it was that, they say "it doesn't matter now ... [changing the topic]", even though they made a big fuss about it some seconds ago. Then you know, you caught them in a lie.
oh gosh,I KNOW!!!
The worst is when its a parent
Or a child.
or neighbour
Mother, sister, and brother. I'm done.
@@berealrb1496 I’m so sorry. That’s incredibly hard. They can break your heart and put a serious drain on your soul until you go complete NC, then heal.
Mother is worst
One of the following will happen:
1. The Narc will tell you, you need him/her
2. Will gaslight you
3. Silent treatment
4. Character assasination
5. Flying monkeys
6. Rage
7. Discard you before you discard them
Don’t forget discard!
@@justdeuxit820 Oh yeah, Discard. Added it to the list.
7. All of the above.
Yep or a you tube couple acc for their next supply so they can rub it in your face. But he’s only getting karmic backlash now 😂😂
Unfortunately I seem to get #4 a bunch
Anybody seeking answers/help, I encourage you to continue to watch this heartfelt beautiful woman Dr. Ramani as much as you can, and, I say AND, stay with her and she will guide you out of that treacherous place that your IN... I did it, I was IN that place with NO answers and she guided out of there, BIG THANKS to you Dr. Ramani...
for real, she helped me realize that my current partner is a narc
. she helped save me and my daughter who is four months old. finally leaving him🥺
I've heard the "you've changed" You don't love me anymore crap...and it was enlightening. The stronger I became, the weaker he became
Fuck, that was very well put. I always knew my ex had an issue with my growth, and realised how all that time I spent feeling like I was tip toeing around more and more egg shells of her emotions wasn't because of all the 'abuse' I supposedly put her through, therefore susceptible to breaking down/being triggered much easier. And therefore it's my fault, and in the most timely fashion this sort of repenting for my past behaviours is to be accounted for "now" when I'm at my peakest.
The truth was that everytime we were on the offs and I was sad and alone, I also thrived and developed as a man. At the time the motivation of doing so was so when/if we returned to eachother I'd be excited to be able to tell her all the things I did for myself to be a better man FOR her, to make her happier, be the man whose life is worth inviting somebody elses into.
And each and every time, the more I grew and we got together, we seemingly just got further away. I've 'changed'. She never wanted to know anything about my new achievements, interests, skills or god forbid relationships I've developed that she wasnt there to oversee or take credit for. I fucking thought she was responsible for all my strengths, and I owed it to her. And I owe her more besides for the past abuse that turns out wasnt even close to being the case. Classic manipulation, feeling that I am everything I loathe in the world an abuser. I guess your feelings cant be devoid of reality forever though, to her misfortune that senselessness of it all dawned on me slowly but surely.
Sadly for her, I wasn't too stupid for too long, and can see a pattern emerge where there is one. The more power and agency I took of my own abilities, the strength that I built - the more fragile and strange her behaviour became. She lost her control. I took back my control and in the process became a lot more mentally sharp and resilient than I wouldve been otherwise.
The stronger I became, the weaker she became.
And still my heart breaks a little thinking about how happy life would have been to see her happy as we grew stronger together, building one another up, admiring our successes, lifting one another up from a fall, watch someone you admire thrive against the adversities, like a role model who so happens to love you as much you love them. I spent 4 years with her feeling stuck in the same place. And now almost two years of zero contact and a sworn commitment that she best to look the other way should we ever walk across eachother. I built a business, turned it into a company, I have all the money I need to buy her all the things that we'd fantasise being. I networked a strong circle of very great people, threw off anybody that was toxic, took control over all the situations that I couldn't otherwise remove entirely. I'm 23, and just two years ago I couldn't even lift myself up from the bed, distraught, ashamed, guilt ridden, broke too lol. I suppose I always did have the ability to be the man worth another womans love and commitment, except that I had to take her out of the goddamn equation to get there.
I appreciate that I am much more happier and mentally healthier now than I ever was with her, and that I should appreciate the fact that the only demons that I'm now facing is the inability to trust someone back again into my life like I had with her. I feel lonely 'at the top' and at the same time built a huge fort around me anyway, protecting everything that I built because I earnt it. I laid every brick and felt every scar that I own, if you're even thinking of coming close then good luck because I got up here alone and can damn well stay up here alone. It's a shitty, self-defeating mindset that I find myself battling against from time to time. Really though I should be glad that's as far as it goes in terms of irreperable damage and life could be a lot worse. But I'm alone anyway, I feel alone a lot. I guess that''s the price paid, maybe not. Fuck it, it is whatever tf it is.
Anyway I'm rambling now. I suppose thats why your last sentence struck a chord with me, it puts together in one sentence feelings I verbalise over many pages.
All the best.
@@Jupa You just have to realize that you ran into a nut and there are more out there, but now you know what they do and can spot the behavior before you become emotionally invested or have children. We had a daughter and that was a large reason I tolerated it. I ended up with full custody of my daughter.
It enrages me. Cuz then they just start using others against you to hurt you
Yeep, "my" narc just hit me with that one. She is a family member who has been giving me sh×t about my wedding (and her lack of presence at it cuz like, covid?) and my in-laws. The moment I stood up for myself she did the silent treatment. Seeing how that got no reaction from me, she flew off the handle a couple of days ago claiming I changed, then "disowned" me as a relative. Dramatic much?
Narcissists gauge love by how much control you allow them to have.
‘They leave and run away because your presence is too shame inducing’ ding ding ding ding
100%
but i don’t even wanna shame her.. i’m still nice i just want her to be honest, be happy
@@808stateofmind2 they are not capable. they are wired differently.
@Evan Domingo they’ll feel the shame because of who they really are regardless of whether or not you shame them. If you want her to be honest and happy, you’ll be wanting for the rest of your life, because she’s incapable of both.
@@laurawalker4195 100%
They always notice when they aren't getting the energy they want from you. They feed on you, they feed on the pain they cause you, and they know when you're starving them out.
Very well put. Haven't talked with youngest daughter for a year after she said she'd have my husband and my picture at the entrance of her wedding and we would be escorted out. No explanation. Here it is Christmas time and she reached out with a "happy holiday." text. I responded, after hesitation admittedly, "You as well." Well, we are currently off to the drama races with her crying to her sister that I'm a terrible mother, she can never reach out again, and she just can't believe I didn't text back more. What in the world was I supposed to say? I'm still sticking with grey rock, but it's going to test me once again on fortitude.
Like real life demons!!!
you could be a doormat all your life but grey rock for even a moment and there's hell to pay.
parasitic!
That's what I did now she knows I know. And we only talk about the weather
I get it now! Its borderline personality disorder caused by childhood trauma.
"the most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen." Elizabeth K-Ross
Than-you for this, Beth. It is so beautifully said.
❤️
so beautiful and true, thanks for sharing
RS...
💯💪
Beautiful. Thank you,
A Narcissist losing their supply is like an addict in withdrawal. They will retaliate cause their drug source is gone.
Wow 😮
One of the many drug sources are gone. Me.
Yup
Best description for this serious mental illness
But is there not a way to get away without retaliation? There has to be
The freedom I feel after understanding what a narcissist is, then walking away and never looking back is fabulous!
Must be nice…some of us with children involved have no choice but tolerate their BS. The court system seems to ALWAYS side with the narcissist and even if you do everything you can to let them show their narcissistic sociopathic behavior the court will still favor the narcissist. It is insane.
@@MacJank7 I was the child in a family of narcissists, not spouse and took years to heal and then find my own identity.
Yes, that puts me (as an adult) in a fortunate position which I am grateful for everyday.
I wish the spouses and the children of... all the best in finding a way out.
@@missbilbybadinage1199 my wife and I were both married to narcissists but her ex is at the sociopath level and my step children are in the middle. It’s an insane way to live constantly in court with him for all sorts of things. We could write a book!
@@MacJank7sorry your dealing with this
@@shanel4294 the kids are the ones that I feel for, their own father is abusing them and the court system is so corrupt it feels like nothing will ever happen…justice needs to be served.
That calmness that comes when they see you get it? It sends them into panic. It’s awesome. Stand in your power and their weakness will be on full display.
It’s so powerful once you “get it”. Just remember - everything negative the narcissist has to say about you speaks volumes about them!
True. Like their thinking out loud their feelings about themselves. One finger pointed at you. The rest pointed at them.
When ppl you know try to make themselves always look good and criticizing others...
That's it!!! I'm done this describes the 3 people living in my home they have to go. Its esp hard when they all join against you
@@barbarastrayhorn4667 iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiij9i
@@barbarastrayhorn4667 iiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I needed you 23 years ago. I thought I was going crazy.
I’m with you
You not alone 😒😒😒
I understand how you feel. my teens, preteens, 20s, 30s were all difficult thanks to narc parents and friends.. i was a magnet. Doc. Ramani has made me a narc repellant now
Same
Exactly. 35 years ago for me - my family!
In my experience when the narcissist figures out that you have them figured out, they rather not be around you anymore because they no longer have the control over you that crave.
Exactly Eli.
@Genevieve Giles good for you. They did you a favor.
They’ll comeback later if they thought you forgot. That’s when you get the hoover.
@@CC-pu6qn in my experience, they rarely come back. Because they know that you can see through them and it makes them very uncomfortable.
@@Tiberon674 Yes, they don’t really come back. They do hoover, which I said prior, which is dependent on multiple factors. When they hoover, they are still underestimating that you’ve figured them out because they are grandiose. Yes, when the narc finally gets it, then they don’t return, but they aren’t that easy to get rid of if you have something they want. All narcissistic abuse is not the exact same. However, we know narcs were never there to begin with, it’s just an act. They pretend to comeback to destroy you for fun.
After my dad and my narc mom found out that I considered them to be abusive and the cause of my PTSD, and I left... my mom's behavior improved BEAUTIFULLY. Our relationship is now minimal and very surface-level - I see them for one day twice a year and generally only communicate with them via text otherwise. My mom realized that I could very easily have told everybody she knew how she had treated me, but I didn't. She does NOT want me to change my mind on that, so SHE is now walking on eggshells with ME! Smoothest our relationship has ever been in 38 years...
This is so brave💚, you found the courage to make the good decision for yourself! As a child who survive from this, what advice could you share with me to help my kids fighting against narcissistic adults around them? Thanks for you help
@synthiakinsa8103 I would first say to do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to get the kids away from narcissistic adults. I can't always be done, but if it's in any way possible, do it! The other thing I would suggest is to talk to your kids (in an age appropriate way) about narcissism and talk over the narc's behaviors to minimize emotional damage. So the kids don't grow up thinking the problem is them, and to give them some emotional distance. But yeah, number 1 thing is to get out of there!!
@@delphinidin sounds narcisstic. Mom wants to save face with other relatives.
@berealrb1496 yes, exactly. My mom has an (undiagnosed, of course) narcissistic personality disorder.
I SO love this for you. You should be so proud of yourself for taking back your power that way. ❤
This is CRAZY that I’m seeing this now. Because I remember when I started going to therapy and became less emotionally vulnerable to her, she panicked and said that she felt like she was losing me. I said that I was trying to set up some positive boundaries and work on myself more. After that, she would push and push and push until she got the outburst out of me. The moment it would happen, she would hit me with the “wow I guess your therapy isn’t working”. Part of me wants to unblock her just to send this and then reblock her. But I don’t want her to have the satisfaction of my attention
Good. Do NOT contact her, if even to just send her this video. The engagement will open all those painful wounds all over again. Be strong. Be well.
when I started setting boundaries with communication level and when I told them that their conduct was unacceptable they went "wow I don't see why this is such a big deal you're just getting so mad at me over it" but then later said my boundary was "unattainably high and so stressful and triggering". Just infuriating
GOOD, It is NOT WORTH IT. They crave attention, and that would only prove you were thinking of them.
@@katieharmount158 I have shown off against narcissists and while they crave attention, they HATE negative attention, specially against others once you show their shit off
Yeah also that's kinda harassment :P
This needs to be taught in the educational system. It's tremendously helpful.
🙌
helpful to who exactly? teach this and the would-be narcissist is fore-warned and better armed. it just gives them 'ideas'.
It would be great. That system is run at different levels by narcissists that want to keep you and I on the hamster wheel, so this will not be taught.
I 100% agree. I feel a lot of psychology should be taught in a class in HS or even Middle School.
@@bikerfirefarter7280 Not really. It is well proven that a well-armed society is a stable and functional society because everyone knows they cant get away with bad behavior.
My Experience taught me -
1. Stay Calm and Detached: When engaging in conversations, especially during conflicts, remain calm and emotionally detached.
2. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your own mental and emotional health.
3. Avoid Emotional Traps: Covert narcissists often use guilt, manipulation, and passive-aggressive behavior. Recognize these tactics and avoid getting drawn into emotional traps.
4. Limit Personal Disclosure: Be cautious about sharing personal information that could be used against you. Keep certain aspects of your life private.
Agree. I have this toxic relationship for 16years now, and counting.
This is so relatable, especially number 3! I have a narcissistic friend who I am trying to distance myself from and whenever I pull away she uses hoovering tactics, manipulation and guilt tripping to reel me back in. I see what she's doing and I will not fall for it again!
Well this would have been helpful had I known what his intentions were from the beginning I’ve already opened up about everything and it’s used against me every single day
This is excellent advice!
@@trinurkayanti2226I've had one for my entire life with my father. 31 years and counting need to get away ASAP
“You start walking a bigger circle around them.” 😭😭😭🙌🏻 this hit something in me. You are so good Dr Ramani. Thank you
Hubby said he wasn’t in love with me anymore and was saving money to move out and i said ok…..he said he wasn’t happy and i said well I haven’t been happy for the last 8 years…..i didnt even try to get him to change his mind he was quite thrown off by that lol
Omg similar conversation I had with my ex. He said he had been unhappy for a year....and I said I had been unhappy for 6yrs. LOL. Insanity. They were like WELP. GOOD RIDDANCE.
Going through the same thing! Now that I know the games, I'm so indifferent to his tactics 😂
@@christy7997 that's awesome!!! Stay strong, stay safe! ✨✌️🦋🌼
Exact same! I firewalled my ex for several years before we finally divorced. And I heard how I never talk to him anymore, blah blah blah. He finally left and I just told him how happy it was making me. Now even after the divorce he misses his supply and someone to bully so he continues to contact me. I want to go no contact but worried what he’d do if he couldn’t email me his lies so I let him and just don’t react.
@@TheClarkstonmom just screenshot everything he sends you and send it to the cops they might possibly put a restraining order on him
I remember my narcissistic mother would poke at me and torture me for hours with yelling and fighting until I was in a fetal position on my bed covering my ear. She would say "what's wrong with you? why are you acting crazy?" like she hadn't put me in a prison of her yelling and abuse for hours.
I feel for you
yes- that is why it is so important to practice self validating techniques but, I know what they say can easily break anyone down. Stay strong. My father did the same. My mother did for a time but, I suspect she suffered with CPTSD doesn't excuse her behavior (she also has never apologized for this), but I know she is not as sick as my father - I have seen goodness in her. I am sorry friend . Keep in contact with people - even if it doesn't seem possible because you are so tired and broken. Pray over your spirit and mediate and remember your worth. Fuck them.
Yep! Same!
And causing reactive abuse at times, ohhhhh they love that. Call the cops!
smh
"They'll pathologize YOU for understanding THEM." THAT is EXACTLY what happens!
So very true. They pathologize US for figuring them out.
Oh my gosh so true! She tells everyone I'm paranoid and negative and dark because she shat in the punch bowl and ruined our family. I was paranoid because she was lying and cheating, negative because she was abusing me, and dark because I felt trap, but it's all my fault according to her because I wouldn't play along anymore.
"I feel like no one ever gets me"
Yeah, we get you, you just don't like that we get you.
Yes. They spend all their time accusing YOU of being who they in fact are and accusing YOU of doing what they in fact are doing.
@@tiddlywinks8299 yep, if they are cheating, best believe you are a cheater. When he started saying he was scared I would kill him in his sleep, that was the end for me. I’d never even intimated I wanted to hurt him. All this crap came out of left field. No way was I staying to see if this is how he felt, and at this point we’d only been dating for two months!!! Insane!
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing.
My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’.
Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :)
Additionally, I once hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com to get the answers I needed about the narc who was being dishonest. Once I saw the truth, it became easier to move on without needing any closure from them. Honestly, it was one of the best decisions I made during that time.
When I cried and when I shared my hurt there was nothing from him, just blatant contempt. But as my knowledge grew and I began to observe his narcissist traits; the more I grey-rocked. The less emotional my actions were the more reaction I got from my exhusband. That’s when I knew he was textbook. That’s when I knew I wasn’t in a safe, healthy, loving marriage. That’s when I knew it was time for me to leave.
I cried many times explaining him what I wanted and he would feel nothing just pretending didn’t understand what I want
@ Clarissa I hope you don’t have kids . Glad your out of your toxic relationship
Yes! That final rage did it for me. I vowed I’d never risk another sleepless night-shaking, nauseated-wondering if I might be harmed by my spouse. Bye. So long. I was gone a week later...never returned.
So glad you're out.🙏
Similar story here.
It's a done deal for me. I thought I was going crazy. Now that I have my eyes open up to Narcissism I'm relieved and much calmer.
Me too
👍❤️
Yes. It’s as though you can’t unsee it.
Same. I’m not as anxious or scared.
It's an eye opener
I was raised by a narcissist mother, when I finally left home and she could no longer control me she would twist my words so she could find a reason to be angry, when that wouldn’t work she started inventing stories that never happened to become toxic about, when that failed she cut off all communication with me. That backfired on her because I find I am quite happy without her in my life.
It’s hard when your mate doesn’t see the narcissist in his family. I have to monitor every word about them to him. It may come down to leaving him to be happy.
Same here
@@jforquick Ditto @!
I feel like these are the ONLY groups that completely understand my horrible world with narcissist in it. Especially, people who were raised by narcissist. My adopted mother was very similar to yours.
She Was…
A liar
Manipulative
Deceiving
Revengeful
Prideful
Easily agitated
Fake cries
Selfish
Hypocrite
Verbally abusive
Neglectful
Petty
Controlling
Entitled
Highly immature
Zero self awareness
Prideful/unapologetic
She has natural kids that she screwed up. One is her son who is a male version of her.
Her daughter is similar as well, but with some different type of demons/traits
Her other son is awful as well.
I can’t believe I survived that.
I’m so glad that I’m not part of their blood lines.
Far out, my brother does the exact same thing, it's absurd.
Soo spot on: Your presence triggers their shame and they despise you just for being present physically...Woow!
My mom is a big time narcissist. My father couldn't abandon her so he developed a disease that eventually ended his life with her. Narcissists can make you want to die. Please be brave and fight your way out of their influence.
My dad is still with my narcissistic mom, she has a firm, almost hypnotic hold on him. At 73 he is a husk of a man, deeply resentful of her but unable to leave. He always enabled her when she abused us, probably out of relief that it wasn't him. They are both retired and cut off from 2 out of 3 of their children.
I almost lost my life being with my ex-boyfriend, because a part of me felt trapped and like I’d never escape him. I started hoarding prescription meds and was planning to end it all.
Thankfully my family and friends felt something was wrong and helped me run. He began to get physical as well towards the end, so who knows if he would have ended my life in that way. I’m so sorry to hear about your father 😢
@@studiostyx7075😢
My mom is too. She ruines lives. She only acts it out towards my dad or me (the oldest). She babies my siblings. It’s all confusing. It’s been bad since I was 9. I’m now 33 and she’s the same way towards me all this time. It’s hard... you have to walk away and cut off communication.
@@PathologicallyIncurious I'm so sorry you've had to endure such torment. Feeling the only way to escape your abuser is to die is such a toxic situation to be in. Easily my worst experience ever. People who don't know have no idea
"They don't believe they're ever showed the respect they believe they deserve..." Boom, Dr. Ramani! My ex used to work himself up into a screaming rage over this once I started laying down boundaries and stopped appeasing him at every turn. He was a retired military officer, and one thing that made retirement very difficult for him was that he couldn't simply order people around any more. So he tried doing that at home. "You'd better respect my authority...!" At the kids. At me. At the dog, even. (That sounds funny, but trust me, it wasn't.) No matter how we responded to him, the rages escalated. It wasn't really about obedience. It was about him wanting our family to be a "safe space" for him to release his rage without consequence. The "respect" he wanted was the privilege to be abusive.
I cannot imagine how hard that would be to put up with. He said that to me once. I decided if he ever said it again, I was very calmly going to ask, "Why?" I won't push him into it, but I'm actually sort of looking forward to it happening one day. (Ah, the perks of developing some strength!)
That’s their overinflated ego.
@Geneva Lawrence, yep, same here. Same scenario down to the dog (dogs and cats) in my case need to obey his every word and command. The kids are older now, it's just me and the pets, so he will rage for what seems like hours, terrifying the animals and then ask why THEY act out!?! He rages at the neighbors, people on he street, in the stores you name it. Some days it would be nice to not have him around .... at all!!
I've worked with normal humanely behaved enlisted and officers. I never understood the few rageaholics who believed themselves authoritarians in many aspects of everyday life.
@@mgb7140 Well done!
I love your last sentence.
I wish my daughter would stand up and respect herself.
She is quite a mess after 13 years with the control freak who thinks he is perfect. He even says he's perfect.
Purposely denying the narcissist their supply is immensely rewarding. I highly recommend it.
Just a problem when he has a knife.
@@fredericusrex9397
That's why I carry a gun.
Yup, ive done it. Drived her crazy
No risk, no fun bro?
@@melissamissy5129 ignore them like sub-humans that i think they are bc they cant feel like a human being. And if they put their hands on you leave the house and call the Police. Thats what i did. I know it is hard but you have to do it. These people is just blah blah with their victims. Once the police showed up she turn into a mess. Even called her mom and sister playing the victim saying she didn't know why I called the police on her. Her mom and I spoke after and she told me that she couldn't even write down her statement for how scared she was. Most NPDs are barking dogs, but when someone else that they dont know confronts them they panic and dont know what to do. Remember it is an illusion that they create in your mind to gain control over you. I invite you to grab your arms and be brave for your own sake. No matter what the price is. The final product is worth it!!! They could look smart in front of their victims, but in reality they are stupid and once you are no longer under their spell and you think about all they said in the past will sound like nonsense and youll laugh.
She's right - there is certain calm that comes over you when you get it, when they over extend.
So accurate. When I realized everything I did change subtly and am constantly told “you’re cold” “you’re so mean” but what they really mean is “you found me out and I see you protecting yourself and I don’t like it”
My narc left 4 months ago...he said I was angry...yes I was....I am not now
Everyone sees him as the victim in this.....I am slowly thinking I'm going to be ok
@@savewaterdrinkwine3802 you will be okay. Sometimes I think I won’t ever be okay but then I remember the times when I was free and doing fine. I’ll return to that place again and so will you :)
@@Skoilah I will see you there 😘❤
I was old that I was being…”nasty”…..one example…😅
@@amyc6491 Yep, me too...I am so nasty????
A narcissist hates an empath, they prey on us until we see right through them and then they gaslight you, continue to lie and everything pretty much intensifies at that point and they won't stop until they've lost all control and gone off the rails🙄ugh energy vampires
*you’ve got that right*
My most recent experience with my dad, I thought I was going to have a stroke riding with him. He wouldn’t say a word and he put off this demonic energy that was strangling/suffocating me.
He’s got *everybody fooled* , but God made me empathic for many reasons.
@@Colt8722 🥺😩sorry about that I understood everything you said and it's draining, even without saying a word the energy is just too intense
@@WahineToa85 yes!
I’m about to be 37
Started off life looking at him as my hero but then it began to gradually click throughout adulthood.
I remember when I was about 19 I had a doctor - who my mom and dad had decided they were going to fire and replace - his last words that he said to me were *GET AWAY FROM THEM! Get AWAY from them!!*
And he then fled.
It did not hit me at the time
They’re drawn to us. Because we give and give and give, we are excellent victims to feed from. (Though I don’t believe I am a true empath. I’ve just had enough trauma that I’m hyper aware of shifts in tone and expression.
Wow I am the empath my roommate is the narcissist. She deflects like nobody I have ever seen. Lies to just lie. And gaslights constantly. But she sucks at it because i don't play into that crap. We are good as long as i don't hang around her area of the house to much
The only thing I regret was not leaving sooner, so if you are on the fence about leaving this person do not stay any longer. It all turns out to be smoke and mirrors in the end anyway.
Taylor Thomas. You are so right! You can go back all you want and in the end it turns out to be all smoke and mirrors in the end. I used my life up running in and out of my narcissistic marriage. I truly him found out. And left him with no contact and didn’t look back. I must have been so naive. I can’t believe I didn’t see him for what he was. God allowed me to see him for what he was and that my marriage wasn’t going to get any better. Thank God ! Whew!!!
The longer you wait, the worse it will be when it does end. It will either end, or you will live out the rest of your days in misery. Your choice my friend.
Don't you think that if intervened the person can improve themself?
@@vulc1 Mine would tell me "If I'm wrong, I want people to tell me so I can fix it!". However, I am always vilified when I try to point out her errors. If someone speaks against her, they become the enemy. I have seen her shun long time friends and mentors from her life because they dared to challenge her unacceptable behavior.
I have the same regret
This happened to me around 12 months ago, I studied lots of information and I gradually 'got it', youre absolutely correct in everything you say abut the reactions... apparently Im cold, have changed, Im not the person they knew anymore etc.... and Im truly grateful to all of you for the help I have had, I will not lose another fight, thank you so much! Grey Rock is my middle name, I have come to realise the way to react to a narcissists bait, is simply not to react.
The second the “veil” lifted and I checked out emotionally, is the day I was able to stop my antidepressants. Cold turkey. Made me realise my depression was completely situational.
Right 😮! I've literally had the same experience.. I got so much relief from realising I'm not the source of the problem.! Now to face the "punishment of seeing it as it is"
This is so real
Thank you for sharing that ! It opened my eyes...never thought that depression can be situational... and it makes sense. Only in my life my grandma is very toxic. She is old and weak so she doesn't have the strength to play these games anymore but sometimes she still likes to surprise me ;(
Yup! I was diagnosed at 13 with bpd and for years I thought I just overreacted to situations or things he said because of how sensitive borderline people are, I was on medication and using weed heavily to cope (when he was home). Literally the moment the “veil” lifted ( trauma bond broke) I started to realize I had changed as a person. He wasn’t getting a reaction from me. He started getting meaner and meaner and became more abusive. I stayed steady and called the popo on him. He is facing 5 felony charges that he confessed to.
I think he could sense I hated him towards the end.
I haven’t had one day since leaving that I have felt like I had bpd. Not one day where I felt every emotion at 100%. I’ve been scared and anxiety riddled because of everything going on, but I don’t feel crazy. My therapist said it’s been so long that I was even diagnosed that I’d have to be tested again. I’m going to wait until his court dates are over and he is officially charged before I go for that test, but I’m confident without someone pushing my buttons 24/7 just so that they can turn around just to call me the crazy one, that I probably don’t qualify for it anymore.
Anyone would react if they heard daily who they’d sleep with and listen to how he’d love to sleep with the female relatives in my family. I could go on and on. He’d deliberately cheat then run home and tell me not to get mad, then when I finally did he’d turn around and be like “I tell you everything, at least I told you, wow I’ll never tell you anything again, you’re just crazy”. 😒
Edit 2: I also feel really happy. I feel calm. I don’t even feel like the same person I was with him.
Me realizing that my lifelong ADHD which doesn't respond to meds might actually be a symptom of CPTSD from being raised by a narc. My therapist said it's possible. The more work I do since realizing my mother is a narcissist and limiting contact, my psych numbers are improving across the board. They test me every couple weeks and they just keep getting better.
Honestly I think narcissists are actually extortionists. That’s what they’re doing. They’re bullies. After they’ve cornered someone, the behavior just gets worse and they become abusive.
Yes! This is correct, the narcissists in my life had me cornered after I gave birth and their behaviour became more and more abusive. I still 3 years later have anxiety about what I experienced. Never again.
Yeah my ex was into loan-sharking stripclubs pornography gambling alcoholism they must go through life is bullying people and getting their way
Exactly, it is about power.
Sounds like Trump.
🎯
I calmly told my ex he seemed like a narcissist and he sat down in front of me and dropped his head and 2 seconds later leaped forward and put me in a choke hold. Stay safe!
Yeah be careful. I didn't do it like that, I sent him narc videos so I wouldn't be in the same room as him to tell him I know who you are.
Mate this literally made me jump.........
I can see this happening :0
Edit,
This has really shook me :o
I would be wary of overtly calling them out. Like she said in this video they are in tune, of a sorts, to their environment and can tell when a person knows. Gaslighting is generally bad but is a good defense against a narcissist. I see it as much like learning a martial art. I don't do it to go out and hurt people but rather to develop discipline and to be able to defend myself should I need to. My suggestion would be to attempt to simply observe and let any anger you feel go and to simply ask them questions which do not allow them to brag or feed that need to be better than.
thats all it took lol
@@lodenco691 Ask questions or make statements which do not let them feel better than. An example could be from a workplace where they completed some project or whatever and are trying to get us to bow to how awesome they are for finishing it. An example could be something like: "That was a good project" vs "You did a really good job", "That kind of project is what we really needed to get done" vs something like "We couldn't have done it without you", etc. In this really simple example this narcissist actually did something useful but since they are a narcissist they only did that to gain the praise of others. We can recognize that the completion of the project was useful, important, etc but not *them* and if possible we should suggest that anyone could have done it just as well as they did.
Another example, and one I actually use/have used, relates to what I call "enlightened narcissists" that are pretty easy to find in many spiritual circles is what I call "paradoxing". This is much like a zen cohen and for basically everyone, except a narcissist, it will cause us to question our reality and our perception of it. An example I use is something like "I find myself contemplating how real the unreal is to some people. Isn't it amazing how real delusion is to the sick mind?". I use this in response to what I call "yous". Which are people in spiritual circles who use the word "you" a lot when getting obnoxiously preachy.
Like I said these shouldn't be used against "normal people" except in the case of paradoxing and someone specifically looking for it(like wanting to practice zen). Outside of that I see it a lot like punching someone in the face. We shouldn't do that, like ever, unless we are being forced to defend ourselves.
Bingo! She's so naturally, matter-of-factly, explaining the dynamics with simplicity and ease, even with such a difficult and complex subject. 🙌
Dr. Ramani, do you even realize how many people you are helping? You are a Godsend to so many survivors of narcissistic abuse. Just love you, as does everyone! God bless.
Yes!!!!! Thank you for saying this!
I just found this video yesterday and it's explained so much about how my "ex" girlfriend (who somehow still treats me like a partner even though SHE broke up with me) has been treating me.
Wow… it feels so good to be validated through your videos…
I recently “broke the code”
In a friendship… they had been doing this for years but they crossed the line that hurts me more than anything and THEY knew this specifically was a trigger for me. They even started of the conversation with “ sometimes I don’t want to trigger you with these….”
And went on to explain and add salt to their point.
I was boiling and they practically taunted me.
I am fully removing myself
I wholeheartedly agree; your comforting persona and mind-blowing accuracy of their behaviour validates my newly acquired mindset and recovery from my own narcissist trauma. Thank you ❤
Thank you - thank you. And you know, I am kind of getting away from this by also understanding that I am also growing myself and start setting my boundaries in a better way.
Let's take a moment and give this woman an applause. It might sound simple but this woman saved my life and sanity. I'm living a new life because of u Dr ramani. Thank u so so so much.
May I ask how ?
You remove yourself from the narcissist. You trust your own intuition. You accept defeat. You will not win this. Thinking you’re going to fix this is narcissistic behavior in its own. You have to break the cycle. Let it all go. Move on. Figure it out. Think your own solutions through and do it for you. Not for the chance that they’ll change. Again, narcissistic stuff. A narcissist will infect you with narcissistic behavior. Don’t assume you’re in the clear from being a narcissist yourself. I’ve heard myself over the years get pretty narcissistic. Im able to recognize I don’t like that person in me though they end up with me isolated. You’ve got this fellow person!
❤
I can’t wait to be free
yes! finally validated and know we r not just crazy. thank you sincerely.
Yes! When the narcissist knows, they run!...Its not fun anymore when the rabbit got the gun.😉
I love that! Thanks
😂😂😂👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Hahahaha dude
Lol, perfect! I got my narc MIL where it hurts when she sent voice recordings to my husband threatening me (as well as my father in law?!) and claiming I was cheating on him. I told her I would send all the recordings to the police, the local newspapers, and the city politicians if she said another word about me. She's a politician and I knew her ego was the only way to stop her because no contact did not help. Rabbit with a gun indeed 🤣!!
Facts. Once you turn the double barrel to them they high tail it out of there.
My gosh I can’t believe I’ve been living through this. All the horrible things said to me that “don’t count” because they were angry. Oh man, just kept listening and this stuff is verbatim my life. It made no sense, I thought I was crazy.
When you think your still in love with the narc only to realize what you were in love with was the fake narc the lovebombing.
Regina woess: met my narc in 1992 2 grown up kids , shes had my repalcement and divorced again. Finally realised the love story was in my head. It was the lovebombing that got me addicted. Narcissists wsste peoples lives , they are horrible.
@@feisalchaudry8820 you are 100%right
YES!
I have that image in my head . That cute 17 cute innocent year old girl, i remember 1st day we met , exactly what she was wearing , the emotions, everything and the lovebombing soon after. All these yeaars laters and a new grand daughter every memory has come back to haunt me mainly bad m3moried. We have been divorced many years but i remember when it all went wrong , was when i acknowledged i loved her. Thats where the discard and narcissism came into play like a textbook. Watch out people narcissism is real and very damaging
@@feisalchaudry8820 I'm sorry
Run away from the Evil, Shut all the contact....Surprise them with your Silence.
Abondon them as soon as possible for your own Health!!
I had a lodger like this. She constantly lied to me and the other lodger. She would do sneaky things out of retaliation to me behind my back. So I would be thinking it was her but I couldn’t prove it was because it was always when I was out, not in the home.
She would constantly tell me her sob story expecting me to just feel sorry for her. And then pretend to be nice to me other times. She thought she was buying her immunity to not get kicked out and that she was more self entitled now to act how she wants and disrespect me and all the house rules.
Then when caught out on anything she would lie, deflect and eventually blamed me.
The day she blamed me, insulted me and shouted at me in my own home in front of my family member, I told her to leave immediately.
Of course consequences to this. She came back with rage to collect her stuff by getting her angry spiteful friend to shout in my face. They left rubbish and didn’t clear up and ruined an important meeting I was having on my phone before that.
Truly disgusting and self entitled people.
I’m so glad I spotted this fake and toxic piece of slime before getting into deep and letting her stay longer.
She banged on door after to ask for the rest of the terns money back. Even though she had damaged property on purpose and I hadn’t asked for a deposit in the beginning.
So I told her ‘I don’t owe you anything! If you come near my house I’ll call someone’ And haven’t spoken to her since.
I’m so glad that she will be without a home for the next few months while she is trying to find a place to live.
I wouldn’t usually if it was anyone else. But she really was something else! 😅
In all honesty, I hope she learns something from this experience so that she doesn’t do this to someone else again.
Good God yes
That part
I felt I was dying with her at the end I had to disappear for good to save myself
BINGO! Someone give this guy a prize!
Complete distance in every and all aspects, is the best medicine when dealing with a narcissist. I advocate three distances to completely break away. Physical distance is the start of the healing process, with out it you will continue to be abuse and traumatized. Psychological distance is where you stop behaving like you were, in the battle of a life, with the narcissist (there's a lot of damage to unpack sometimes). Lastly mental distance which is where you stop thinking about the narcissist's arguments, embarrassing situations, the things you hated about them, how what they did was so wrong, etc. Once you have all those distances going, then you are truly free and will never go back again!
Yes! Once you see it and know it. You rly start avoiding not only the narcissistic person but any toxic person for that matter. I pay attention to their actions and behaviors. I have healthy boundaries now and I don’t wanna be bothered by toxic people.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I agree I stay away from toxic people period and I make sure I do a daily inventory of myself to check for any narc traits. Blessings 🙏🏾
Should i Accept that you Hurt me should i Look for someone else its damn stupid
Yep, after I figured out my first gf was a narc I started noticing similar traits in other people around me. I dont really cut them off or anything but i notice the things they do and know whether or not i can trust them now
OMG all these comments are so healing🌞 I really needed to hear all this
This woman is a damn hero. Knowledge is power.
France is bacon.
My mom is a narcissist. She ruined my childhood. I'm 42, but I didn't realize she was a narcissist until a few years ago. A few years ago I cut off contact with her and stopped playing her game. She tried to turn other people against me. It worked for a while, but she eventually failed. She gave up. She knew her game wouldn't work on me anymore. I maintain minimal contact with her now. It is relatively pleasant now because she doesn't try her tricks on me anymore. If you have a narcissist in your life, get away from them. They are broken, toxic monsters who will poison your life and they'll never get better.
Working on the very same.... nothing could be more painful not even a boxing match!!!
Id like to add my personal opinion in that there is some small silver linings to being slightly introverted and having misanthropic tendencies, its sometimes difficult for even the best of people to get close to me let alone narcassists. Im not even entirely sure I've ever met one. Definitely don't think I've ever dated one and now at 41 would be near impossible I'd let myself get that close to one. I have very little patience for people in general let alone a narcissist.
it's strange how your own mother can bring you into this world but be envious/jealous/toxic towards their own offspring.. its strange, just remember they brought you into this world.. thats the only job they had to do.. the rest is up to you.. have you ever thought she might have mental health issues and not be as toxic as you think? keep her sweet, but keep your distance.. today and tomorrow is not promised for anybody, its better keeping cool with her if you can help it and keep distance, but don't cut her off entirely, its your mother and in the future you might regret it.
I'm really sorry about your mum and I can't imagine what you have gone through to get this glorious perspective xxxx you must be pretty smart as well, even with the horrible realisation. Maybe you may have a role in the future showing people how to navigate the dangerous waters of parental narcissism ❤
@@chucklakeridge7944 I was just thinking about how different it would be to have a narcissistic parent as opposed to a partner. I think it might force you to at least try and make sense of it with some kind of love because you couldn't get away when you were a child xxx
Leaving my narcissist was like waking up from a horrible dream. What a relief that he’s no longer part of my life!
I am currently trying to work up enough courage to leave. I can't wait to finally feel free. It's been 7.5 years.
He must be saying the same thing about you....
I couldn't shake the feeling that I was living in the "twilight zone!"
@@rvunited1524 Sure, it's what they say to boost and protect their ego from a person getting away. Also to try and save face by demonizing the other party (when they're the demon). We all know deep down they're seething that they lost a form of supply though.
@@ashleywalmer do not give notice. Try and pretend everything is as normal until you can go. Make sure they don't know your new address or workplace. Good luck
Omg covert ex LITERALLY said "Life would be so much easier if everybody would just do what I want." Sometimes they just lay it all out so clearly, you can't help but see it
Sadly the narcissist I'm stuck with now is so lacking in self awareness and reflection that they can't even see that I get what they are.
Same. They don't grow at all as a perosn. They don't care how their actions and choices have negatively affected people around them including their own children. They are so self centered amd evil.
Oh I feel you
yep. she’s been this way for years and no one has called her out on it until me, and her world is turning upside down now.
Same. So lacking self awareness and insight it’s stunning.
Most are this way. Their denial is so extreme it is actually very pointless to try to get them to accept or admit anything or that you *know* what they are doing. Best route is just to cut all contact. It really doesn’t matter if they ever see because you make them irrelevant to your life.
The best solution i found against narcissist ppl, is to completely ignore them or cut them off. Think of them like u don't know them, ignore them like u ignore a stranger. It's just hi hello stranger
Yeah if you're lucky enough to not get stuck with a stalker
Very true
True but gosh its soo hard when you have a kid with them
Are you a pastor by chance? Cause you just preached the entire gospel. I had to do the same, so thank you
@@maymadison3620 try when it's your mother...
I understand now why one of the last things I said to him before he disappeared was "I'm not going to defend myself for things you make up in your head"! I was done playing the game.
Crikey, I have screen shot your comment Pam. It’s perfection! Thank you.
@@ThePatchwork68 Thank you!! He didn't have much to say after that. No wonder he ghosted me! It's been 2 months now.
Awesome! Great response
Classic
Confrontation is also exposing the narc at the same time! Like let me make you feel weak af for a change. I guess you couldn't handle that for few sec cause you're just a sorry as* coward punk!
I like telling a Narcissist to their face that they are a Narcissist.
And, I mention that shit that they pull doesn’t work on me.
They look at me like I’m crazy.
💜💜💜
I can attest. Our eldest kid used to always "isolate" his Mom if he had a "need" to be fulfilled. Favorite tactic if any resistance was shown was "I know how your mind works"....even accompanied by laughter. I realised this and gave my wife some advice to "turn the tables." When the next episode came up my wife was wise to it and opened up her response by saying "you state you know how my mind works" and received the almost contemptuous laugh from our kid. However, her next statement was "guess what? I ALSO know how YOUR mind works.' The result was the "hare in the headlights" look. But not for long. They are relentless.
I literally told my narcissist to stop manipulating in gaslighting me. He stepped out of the car in the middle of traffic, and I haven't heard from him since.
💪💪🌞🌞
Consider yourself lucky AND Blessed!!
🎉👏🏽🥳🎊
Did he die?
@@serenaann1711 no
Wooooooww!!😮
“They may leave and run away because your presence is too shame inducing for them” hit me right in the stomach.
Same😢
No they run because they know they're caught and they can't compell bad behavior from you that makes you look bad and them look like a victim
He now hides his face most of the time when I come in contact with him. Sad beings they are.
Yes! I looked at my bf's phone and found out he went to another state at 4am and never mentioned. Once I questioned him about it he moved out and started living at a hotel. He refused to discuss it. He ran and hid like a little "B".
@@raminrouchi202 I think it's a little of both.
As long as you give them worship, they love you, or pretend to. The moment we stop, they become angry but pass it off with silence and bouts of pouting, or talking nasty about us to others. No more. I have firewalls that are NEVER coming down. The moment we set boundaries- we HEAL. ❤
SO ABSOLUTELY TRUE. Suddenly teh day I decided not to endlessly ruminate on how to fix the relationship was the same day I felt so much happier about myself and my life.
Yeap , the pouting is like why , why pouting. He could care less how I feel
bro that is exacly how i feel abt them , same thing i've experienced
Yessssssssss.
The eye rolling too, grown men...30 to 40.
When I began to study Stoicism, I understood what I was doing wrong. I didn't know the power was within me all along, and not determinant on the external circumstances.
"Lady" I cannot watch enough of your "damn videos!" Saved my sanity on so many levels.
And me!
You nailed it. The narcissist I knew seemed to sense when I saw something was wrong with him. His tantrum was similiar to a toddler. I was fortunate that his loss of control caused him to run away.
Yes...the trash took itself out....the best.
Ah yes...the tantrum lol. The narc literally fell down on the floor in front of me and rolled around like a two-year old. A grown azz middle aged man. It was so pathetic. :(
@@mizztotal I know that wasn't fun for you bc I have seen a 65+ y/o woman throw a toddler tantrum (she was a narc), and all I could think was "Wtf is wrong with her?" It wasn't just me either; my sister asked the same thing. I think we all throw tantrums to an extent when angry, but rolling around on the floor? That's a special kind of hopeless.
Alicia B.
I have a 54 year old toddler for a sister. She can't "find a decent man". It's sad I guess, but even so, lol.
@@teresarenee3829 Lol
I am confidently in the indifference stage and I want to deeply thank you Dr Ramani your channel has been such a vital essence of breaking out of an extremely suffocating & narcissistic abusive relationship. Thank you for all the work you do and the content you bring us.
Mash your future be bright……… Get strong…………
So happy to see other people getting out of situations with Narcissistic people! Good for you! 💛
Same here. Cheers!
Pretty sure. You’ll end up with another narcissist.
how do you be indifferent when they stalk you and commit crimes against you?
Thank you for sharing! I’m so DONE playing their games. I pray I can find a way to become financially independent and move out! I pray for anyone else who is struggling to find their freedom!
When youve started figuring things out youre labeled "abusive". If you get mad at a narcissist for being shitty, you are NOT being abusive. Please remember this ❤
He labeled me manipulative 😆 and I asked the people he had told, how was I manipulative? None could explain, then they realised he didn't break it down for them, when one called him up and inquired he quickly hang up giving an excuse of his lawyer was calling him he would call back almost a month he hasn't called back. 😂
Thankyou
Thank you! To the comments here, exactly what he did to me. He told me I’m narcissistic and manipulative. I calmly, instead of giving him the high energy I usually do, just said okay, I agreed with him he got more rageful and the relationship ended. So bizarre. Now to heal and protect myself from this happening again.
Youre welcome everyone. My mom has munchausen by proxy and diagnosed me with "high functioning" aspbergers to get social security. She never gave me a cent and stuck me in a bunch of terrible living situations after i started questioning things when i was around 25 just to prove her point; she even knowingly let me live in a foreclosed home for 50 bucks a month while keeping the rest. After I finally figured things out i eventually became my own payee then got rediagnosed as neurotypical. My symptoms i displayed as a kid were due to emotional abuse and neglect. I no longer have social security at this point. Ive encountered a bunch of narcissists since and its always the same pattern of behavior, but i cant help but feel sorry for them because they grew up in similar situations. It sucks how instead of learning and growing they use their past pain to their advantage and to manipulate others because they feel sorry for them. My mom is no different. Im no contact and way better because of it. I hope everyone gets out and gets help. Also, people who are autistic or aspies are beautiful humans who dont deserve the stigmas i witnessed. My so called "therapy groups" i went to were intended to cure them instead of work with them. Autism does not need to be cured ❤
So true. They push you to your limits and take great delight when u finally snap, as if its your fault then they make out u are the nasty one. So sad but so true
"They're always looking for that person who's looking at them the wrong way." CRAZY how spot on everything she says...
It's crazy how accurate she is
@@jamesparothy4675 I'm addicted to my Narc who keeps breaking up with me to fuck other girls. Been trying to get away for 3 years. I'm so brainwashed and broken. Her videos make me feel a little less alone and tiny stronger.
@@optimific stay no contact, he never going to change, only get worse
It is hey... Spot on
And that person is always there!
In my experience when a narc knows you know, he takes off his mask completely when he's around you and the abuse is at an all time high. He doesn't even try to pretend anymore. He may even start a smear campaign to get him ahead of possibly being exposed.
That’s EXACTLY what happened (*it was a she tho)
Yep.
Smeared.
I'm the bad guy.
But eh
I'll see him in hell.
So true!
There's a whole Facebook page to smear my name. The propaganda was started covertly when I was still there, but she kept saying"you're not a bad person" " I want to make this work" but she was also doing nasty things and taunting me with little bits of evidence.
Happened to me today ..I didn't say anything but the behaviour of my partner went through the roof even though I was supporting of everything
Listening to this makes me feel soooooo gooooood. Finally someone has put words to my experience with a lying narcisist.
I got my power back after getting my divorce. I went into hermit mode for 2 years to fix myself from the vampire troll . I am very happy now.
#mystory as well
Congrats!
Same!
"For all of their lack of empathy, people with narcisistic personalities are tremendously attuned to the world around them, but from a very egocentric point of view." THIS!
Totally agree.
That’s why they’re so intense and why they’re able to reel in empathetic people so easily. They “feel” so intense and unlike any other person, it’s surreal. The sex is incredible too.
They come off as wise and wordly
@@user-gp5yh7eg4z I literally thought my ex was a goddess, and I ain’t no simp. She just had that effect on me, I thought she was incredible. Smart, sexy, deep, introverted, almost attuned to another level of awareness, it fascinated me. My friends and family used to tell me “nobody is like that, trust me”. And that just made me love her even more, I thought I had found a truly special girl.
@Hose Hernandez She would “flip” back and forth between being incredibly loving and completely cold and horrible to me. She would switch on a dime. It was like she got possessed. It happened pretty much every single day. For the longest time I thought she had multiple personality disorder, that’s how scary the change up was. But I later found out that this is who she was all the time, I wash just too blind to see it. She’s not insane, she’s a narcissist. The cycles of love bombing, abuse, etc...that she gave me is exactly the same. I was abused for over a year. And when I finally let go, it was a withdrawal that broke my very soul. I remember hugging the toilet as throwing up for hours straight because I was missing her so much. It was what I imagine a heroin withdrawal to be like, but it lasted months. I was so in love with this perfect idea of her and at the same time stuck in this cycle of abuse that it physically broke my body down. You need to understand that she was absolutely gorgeous, had the body of gal gadot and the face of Sarah Silverman. And I’ve never connected with someone on such a soul, spiritual level, like we were connected so deeply, we finished each other’s sentences, the sex was the best feeling I could ever imagine. I still know I won’t find someone that makes me feel as intensely in love as her, but I won’t find someone who abuses me as much either so I guess it’s worth it.
I think it scares them when they don't get their desired reaction. And when you start to see through narcissistic rage instead of being scared of it- that is a turning point. I wish everyone can know that there are better things coming than this nonsense.
I do know. Thank you for your encouraging comment. There are better things ahead and better people to meet.
Yep
'This nonsense' - so perfectly put.
You basically have to cut them off like when they ask for things or to be indirectly or directly in control. You gotta be like No
That’s what grey rocking does. If you become detached and don’t respond to them emotionally, they start getting scared.
When one connects the dots between drug/alcohol use and the narcissism, a sense of refreshing calm comes and now a person knows what to do.
I’m sitting here laughing my rear off. Once again, Dr. Ramani, spot on!…Spot on!!! They also pay closer attention to when your tired and your tolerance is lower so it’s guaranteed that you’ll snap.
but, when you're tone is tired or too Hugh pitched because you're tired and want some sleep, oh no, that's being emotional. or when your tears can't not fall anymore and he says "ouch, Gah, my ears!" and /or too with a "if you're going to talk in that whiny voice and continue to cry. I'm going to leave. you CAN TOO help it, you don't have to talk like that. no you don't. tHts it, in done" me: crying, sad, now crying more. one day, I'll break my personal cycle too, like so many. one day, and one step at a time.
Same here
Yes, like flipping the light on at 3 am on a work day.
@@katelynpotter1218 Don't give in to nonsense dialogue. Negative attention is better than no attention...so they'll take it. Its just power to hurt you with. No response works best. There's no question in a statement. Don't respond. Or if you must say, ' I don't have a response'. It's similar to 'whatever' but less angry. You need to feel that 'whatever' zone. Reverse psychology. Slow your response. Something. Gain more control over yourself.
@@blythehoughton3896 oh that would force me to plan something in return.
"They cannot stop, and they don't think they should have to." You summed them up perfectly.
sums up my mom's words when I asked why she has to say hurtful things when she knows people get upset? She says she believes you should be able to say what's on your mind at all times. I avoid conflict so this always mystified me. She gets upset because people "don't have sense of humor" or "people cannot discuss anything these days!"
@@kissarococo2459 she sounds like a lot of fun 😂😂
We need to teach our children to recognize these personalities. Narcissism is part of the national discussion or at least it needs to be.
It’s a great relief to hear someone put this all into words .
to smart people narcissists give a great life lesson. The best one. God knows what created on this planet. Everybody is useful.
I know. There's full blown adults and even elders who have no idea what to think or do about a person like this.
Most definitely 💯
Dealing with a narc is a life lesson
I always thougt my mother was a narcicist because she has only pictures of herself in the house, because she thinks she is always looking better or younger than others... I learned now from these videos that there is soo much more going on. I realize now that she has been manipulating me so badly.
Since a few days, I'm not falling for her tricks anymore and she begins to realize it. I can't believe that it will get much worse. Hopefully not, but I am prepared. I really feel good knowing what is actually going on. Thank you so much for the clear explanations.