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Jesus, that's repulsive. Goes alongside, "just get over it" and "I hope that one day you learn forgiveness." Hard to do that when you know damn well they aren't sorry, there's zero genuine remorse.
I’ve experienced the same with my family. Recently went no contact with two older sisters. They had me believeing this was all in my head, and everything was due to me being too sensitive. It’s a peace going no contact that now I can focus on me. ❤
My mother was the same. But that also was when I realized that while they couldn’t still beat me with a belt for ego tripping reasons anymore…(and so on), nothing has really changed eh? What they did 30 or 40 years ago is pretty much what they still would do to this very day…if they could get away with it. And that is kind of the crux of the issue. The fact that it’s not just about “way back when.” More or less it begs the question of…and so why haven’t you improved even one iota in 40 years tho? You sucked back then and you still suck now. But by all means…keep on delusionally thinking whatever you want about it. 🙄
The reason they think, act and speak the same way, with little or no variation, is because we're dealing with a Demonic personality. We are real human beings trying to deal with a hollow shell where a Demon or Demons live. My former Husband John has 13 separate Johns. He thinks he's the second coming of Christ. The 13 is Jesus and the 12 Apostles. A Christ Complex is the most extreme form of Narcissism.
For most of my life, i thought there was something wrong with me; but after being in therapy for nearly two years, i realize the problem lies with my family.
Helen, I thought something was wrong with me for 13 years. At that time, I had been placed, through the courts, in a training school for girls. Was running away from home. I stayed for a year. During that time, I was promoted to high school and within 4 months, I was on the HONOR ROLL. At that point, I NEVER LOOKED DOWN and those feelings of inadequates and doubts DISAPPEARED. When I was released, within 2 weeks, the cussing and dogging began. She called me stupid. I told her, "I may be a lot of things, but I am not stupid." I was 14 by then.
1: "You're too sensitive" 2: "I'm your mother / father" 3: "That never happened" 4: "You're imagining things" 5: "Stop being so dramatic" 6: "You're stupid.." 7: "I never said that" 8: "Everyone agrees with me" 9: " You're overreacting" 10: "Why are you making things up" 11: "It was just a joke" 12: "You could never get things straight" I've heard all of these and its time to leave my relatives alone.
Me too. I don't even want to know what was said behind my back. The too my face stuff was hurtful enough. I cut them off over 2 years ago, and I don't take nothing from nobody anymore. Not in an aggressive way, but I no longer back down and speak up for myself
"Other people's children do x,y,z", "you need to see a therapist", "where was i", "well why didn't you tell me", "I don't know why anyone would want to go and talk to someone about their childhood".
My niece was described as this, she's 31 and still at home, the house where pets were tortured and her dad, my older brother and her gmaw had a 2 decades long affair (still married), she an animal re-hab specialist, she's not overly sensitive, they're overly stupid and cruel! Mom would say I should be more like a duck and throw insults off my back as if it was water (now I'm a duck?)
Most hurtful and rejecting thing imo, it totally rejects who you are. One of my mother's is "you think too much", "nobody thinks or talks like that". Well I do, and im your child, how's about some validation. Lol, that's never coming
All narcissists will one day give a false apology and go back to their abusive behavior- knowing full and well you made it clear not to break your boundaries and trust.. My narcissistic mother did that.
My mother's latest "im sorry YOU got upset". I cannot connect with this woman on any level. My frustration and now deep anger at her has just led to more doubling down on her idiocy. Her latest thing is qorrying about my father's health (the fittest 80 year old I know!). The fact I've been chronically ill for 7 years and barely leave the house and am in constant pain goes right over her head! Hearing your father is slowing down and is pre diabetic, which he was too fat and is now thinner, is like a smack in the face. It's what she has always done, protected him and let me suffer harm whilst expecting more from me. Insufferable
I understand. My mom tells me that I'm mean and "always against her" after a lifetime of her talking down to me, dismissing me, telling me to kill myself, etc. Nice to know we aren't alone in experiences, at least.
Same! My mother accused me of abusing her cos I didn't want to drive her somewhere she wanted and I just wanted to go watch a movie with a friend. They will really change words and anything as long as it suits them.
I never see my kids as mean I see them as hurting and acting out the hurt personally I think it's weird a parent who has the power in the dynamic thinks their kid is mean to them
Here’s one - they want you to just forgive the past but never acknowledge just exactly what you’re forgiving. In other words, just forget. It’s the narcissist’s lobotomy.
When they call you crazy or stupid, just ask them why they want to continue a relationship with a stupid or crazy person? Or if they call you abusive or cruel, ask them why they want so badly a relationship with someone who is abusive or cruel.
So true. I was like ok then. So what does that say about YOU tho? Esp when you think of the envy. If I’m such a “loser” then you must be even worse off since you’re way down here in the gutter with me trying to steal my dumpster diving scraps for yourself. 🙄🙄 So nutso they are. Or the whole “prowess” stuff. Like congrats big guy. You whooped a little girl’s ass. You intimidated a little kid. I guess that makes you big man on the block somehow. They’re as bad as those guys revving their engines with a loud muffler. (We all know the joke about that one lol). Yah. What a “stud” 🙄. Do you feel like a man now?
Mine insisted I never flush properly, 35 yrs together and I say is that the best you could do, marry and have kids with someone who purposely could care less about leaving something unflushed? Very draining (no pun intended) showing them how dumb they are.... How stupid their words and thoughts come across as....
I found this was a high reliability way of obtaining a screaming abusive tantrum with lots of fake victimhood. Funny thing was that, as an independent powerful adult, it no longer moved me, but it seems that despite not obtaining the desired results, she didn't have any other option. Like maybe just not doing it again 20 minutes later.
After I went No Contact, my narc mother wrote me a letter telling me what a horrible person I am. One year later she sent me another letter suggesting that we go into counseling together. I returned a copy of her first letter and told her that she is too wonderful of a person to be stuck in the presence of the person she described in her letter. She finally left me alone.
Self-trust is so important. In this day and age, we’re constantly being bombarded with fake news, fake people, fake everything! Having a core sense of self and believing your own reality is the only way to stay sane.
Oh my mom loves to say, “You talk about the past too much, think of positive things, happy things” And I’m just standing there with my eye twitching, sometimes both. The layers of sheer bullshit they manage to pack into a simple statement has to be an art form I swear.
Yet they hold onto grudges for decades! My mother has even darvo'd me when I tried to get her to understand. I wanted a closer relationship, she said I thought we were close, then I brought something up gently and darvo! Then the guilt tripping, other people's kids do x,y,z ........ before I got ill, I'd have jumped to it, being ill let me know how self centred she is and utterly thoughtless.
I'm my mother's greatest disappointment. I'm not like her, I don't particularly like many of the things she likes and 7 years ago I got chronically ill. Her answer, go for a walk! Then she doubled down telling me I laughed at her when she was in hospital (she also has at chronic illness) having one of several operations. The hell I did! I was worried sick, visited (despite being in a d..v. relationship at that time and scared they'd be angry), brought her clean clothes when my stupid father 'forgot'. Yet she values him more than me, worries about hus health despite him being healthy and active. I don't think she could care less if I actually died, she would say she did everything for me and weep in front of others!
If you stay, bad. If you leave, bad. If you fight, bad. If you please, bad. If you do nothing, bad. If you do something that isn't "the (their) way", bad. If you give up, bad. If you don't give up, bad too because "you shouldn't try to change/fix/control" other people (the irony of saying that being literally control...). They want you to shut up and "don't bother" without looking bad... and that's a level of uncaring that is beyond belief. It's a catch-22 where you lose either way for something that wasn't your fault.
@@lorihoop3831 Sorry, but I no longer welcome this kind of sentiment. Abuse is not on the victim. It's not my job to save/protect myself. If I could stop them, don't you think I would have done so already? Do you wanna know why abuse happens? Because we focus on how the victims react rather than actually do something about it. Abuse doesn't happen if you live in a society that doesn't allow it. So no; telling me to stop it doesn't empower me at all. Shame, blame and obligations never did nothing but mask this issue.
@@lorihoop3831 Sorry, but I no longer welcome this kind of sentiment. These things happen because society allows them, not because victims don't do "what they have to". This sentiment is exactly what prompted people to blame, shame, put expectations and put obligations on me rather than actually do something. I no longer welcome these as a form of "empowerment". They only keep me trapped and robbed of myself.
My narc mother made up her own word for lying--she "disremembers" things that she feels are unpleasant. No, she lies about them ever happening to sooth her ego.
My mother is now forgetful, so she doesn't remember the last lie she told so she will say one thing one day and a different thing on the same subject a week later! It's one of the ways I saw through her lies. Lies that I'd believed for decades!
4:23 "Everybody in the family knows you are a problem". Really, Intresting. 🤔 When i was younger i was convinced all they gashlighted me was true and real 😳 I was so naive.
As someone who is completely blind, autistic and has CPTSD, I had a narcissistic stepmom who would pull cruel jokes on me because of my blindness and autism. Things like opening doors wide enough in hopes I would run into them. Sneak up behind me when I didn’t notice and do things like step on my hair, poke my neck or face, grab and yank me and scare me. Pulling chairs out from where I was going to sit in hopes I’d plop on the ground. If I got mad about those jokes, she’d say things like, “take a joke. You’re so sensitive. There are people out there called assholes. You just need to learn to deal with it and know people are going to do that.” As a special needs individual, NO! It’s not a joke! You don’t mock a blind person, and you don’t mock an autistic individual for having high intense emotions.
@@MsJ3ny thanks so much. I have overcame so much in my healing. I do need to overcome more. I have found some amazing tools in my toolbox that I love. My stepmom tried to take those away from me. Because she wanted me to live up to her’s and society’s rules, norms and expectations. Mainly her’s in a lot of way. I’m working on allowing myself to use them instead of withholding them from myself. Because they truly help me.
"The world out there is dangerous. Only family will help you" "Family won't help you. The world is dangerous and you gotta toughen up" The world (something that isn't them or in their control) being X is an excuse for me having to: - Accept that they'll never help me - Believe 100% of the time that they'll help me
I have heard ALL of these from my family. The accusation of “you’re crazy” being even more cruel because my older brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Even going so far as to say, “Even your schizophrenic brother thinks you’re crazy!” -because, I guess, that makes him an expert?
Dr. Laura recently told a caller to tell her son “because I’m your mother” and “my house, my rules”. The son wanted a longer hairstyle, and he was pushing back with “it’s my body.” I get parents wanting a certain presentation and appearance for their children, but her response made my skin crawl.
My mother lived to use, "You just think you're better than everyone else" Clearly YOU'RE the problem not her abusive behaviour and complete lack of respect for someone else's boundaries.
Gaslighting is akin to chumming. The sooner one can identify what’s taking place, the sooner one can act. In my experience a positive course of action was to NOT react/respond/engage. Silence is strength and power.
The gaslighting that you receive as a child from your family is actual insane and should be deemed child abuse (by authorities). I would add ' Can we move on from (insert comment here)'. I have heard all of these phrases in my childhood and more so in my adulthood. Now that I'm low to no contact people want to act shocked, surprise surprise I'm done with their lunacy.
“get over yourself” was/is her absolute favorite. they would accuse me of something or insult me or badmouth me in front of my daughter. I would then try to stick up for myself or explain myself but then … they would immediately interrupt and say: “ here we go again… everything is always about you ! you’re so selfish. I mean, would it be OK if I have a life? Am I allowed to speak in my own house or no?”. 🙉🙈🙊🤣🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🐐
My worst moment as the Family Scapegoat was when my Family accused me of cursing the rest of the Family with Cancer. Bonkers or what? My Son could hear my Sister screaming at me down the phone from upstairs! The Family are part Gypsy, so that's why they were looking for someone who must have cursed them. Sadly it was me getting the blame, once again. Eventually I removed myself almost completely from the crazy bunch of nutters!
My mom recently told me “I’ve suffered, you don’t know what suffering is.” All because I cut her off and don’t want to talk to her, she went as far as trying to have my husband and I arrested and did witch craft in my old apartment so I would leave my husband. It’s infuriating.
In the name of Jesus...take CO trol of your apartment space asking God Almighty to fill every nook & cranny & that any ungodly thing MYST flee in Jesus Name.🙏💖
In all my dealings with Narcissistic people, Witchcraft is always a factor. Sooner or later it will surface, in some way, shape or form. My former Husband John has been on lots of mental wards, and he answered my question about the connection between Witchcraft and mental health problems. He'd never encountered one patient who hadn't dabbled in the Occult. The more involvement, the more insane they were. Himself at the top with a Christ Complex, which is the most extreme form of Narcissism.
All narcissists are Satan worshippers and belong to the devil, the father of lies, because they want to be highly exalted. Satan got kicked out of heaven because he wants to be highly exalted above God. No one can stand before my God, Jesus is God and He loves you. Stay close to Him.
Are you sure you don't talk about MY mother? Sounds just like her. But no, she does not need a cellar or tools or spells. She can do witchcraft completely invisible. I never believed in magic until I started to remember what they did and realized that, whenever I get close to them, and especially her, bad things start to happen. So many things that never happen in places or with people they don't know and have no connection. It's disturbing. Be careful. Strong emotions can do things. They cursed me, I'm sure about that. Regarding money and especially regarding love. She has a trauma too, and I experience the same thing over and over. If she can't have it, nobody can. Especially me. I changed so many things they brainwadhed into me, but these two seem to be immune against every attempt to change even the slightest bit. They seem to get worse the more I free myself from other things. It's crazy. I have no other explanation. Psychology cannot explain what happens, especially in these two aspects. Maybe I should try an exorcism. 😂 Not funny, but I prefer to laugh abaut it. Better than despair.
You never met her, but you quoted my mother to a T. As a result of realizing wolf what she is after 59 years, is that I guard personal information of my life so closely many people are taken aback by this. I’m not sure if I should stop this, but I feel this is a boundary I need to maintain so I never let another person like this in my life again.
I’ve had family members make up situations or purposely mis interpret situations to make me appear like the bully. Then they would feel justified in their actions and anger toward me and try to make me apologize for fictional events.
Refusing to deal with mine she said she was doing a wellness check on me, idk if she tried, I pity whomever she spoke to 🤦she's nothing, pure nobody with bucks, aren't they all! 😊
👉❤️When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥️ He is coming to avenge! 👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥️🥳 As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations. Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤️😊 Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤️You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥️ 😍 Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and defeated the death by rising 3 days later! 🙌❤️🥹
Though I'm not living with my biological family for years, and when I lived I was "good girl" only because I kept silence, I did heard part of it. "it never happened", "you misremembering"... and many more... I'm still wondering how I succeeded to survive... But my third son is right - we all survived and that is our biggest achievement for now... Thank you, Jerry
Not always the wisest move but give them something THEY have to "let go" or "grow up" over. Prepare to be told to STFU and be a victim of petty theft. Remember these are "good adults" sent to give us a "taste of our own medicine".😊
They try to behave like nothing wrong has happened and still is happening; and try shame you with your true feelings as someone insensitive; of course abusing their parental authority. Thank you.
Exactly. 🎯 “We did what we had to do”. Thats my parents ‘legitimate excuse’ to keep our inheritance from a great aunt. Therefore, we remain DEPENDENT on our parents. They paid off their house.
They don't want me alive, but they don't want me dead either. They don't want me with them, but they keep me trapped with them. They try to read my mind but when I tell them, they tell me to never tell them again. According to them, you are both the source of their damnation and salvation.
I have heard every one of those gaslighting comments repeatedly from both parents & siblings. Definitely took it in emotionally & it affected me mentally. I question absolutely everything & everyone now. Hard to trust others. Thank you for the examples & tips Jeri.
Sorry you feel that way, but I understand. However, I fooled all of them. The stupid one, went back to school and earned a degree from a PRIVATE university. It took a long time but I got even with all of them. The last laugh, is the best laugh.
Yeah my narc brother when I told him I didn't appreciate him getting drunk at my daughters graduation and ragging on us -- 'oh that was so long ago, you're still mad about that, why didn't you say something before???' No accountability, no I'm sorry, just trying to flip it back on me, blaming me for bringing it up. What an idiot!
My mom likes to go histrionic when challenged and flounce around saying “you’re just trying to punish me” or “I feel suicidal from your comments “ but never a calm discussion or any kind of taking responsibility. I have long since learned that it is a waste of time and energy to talk about all the things they did.
I'm amazed little me was able to hold on to any semblance of reality to get me where I am today, considering all the gaslighting I endured. Thank you Jerry for your wonderful examples!!!
I am not a councilor but, I had to educate, train myself against this horrible form gaslighting to be strong, resolute to navigate my way to freedom from this type of philological abuse throughout my childhood and adult life! I become angry to this day and continue to heal and go forward with the path I always wanted to take with life. I feel I was cheated in my youth. Thank you.
"We made your dog live in a hot garage all summer and a cold garage all winter and he was lucky he lived three years before we ran him over with the car pulling into the garage, but you're just very sensitive." And what did they say about my dog, after his health started to decline in his 2nd year of life? "He's just not that exciting of a dog anymore." my dad told me.
I don't know about common gaslighting phrases, but here's one my dad used. "The roof is not leaking!" as we're standing in the dining room with water dripping into a bucket that's sitting on the carpet between where we are standing. That was the sign of a man in narcissistic collapse. But until I understood that.... I thought I was going insane.
Yes my mom would always deny reality to make me question myself. "There is no cigarette smoke here", "there are no pests", etc. When confronted with photo evidence: "ah thats something completely different/there is nothing". Im not sure why, maybe she just liked dismissing me as a form to maintain control
Absolutely incredible that anyone does this, we're caught off guard, stunned and they take it as victory when really we're wondering if they're worth fighting it out with, bottom feeders ....
There's quite a list from my upbringing. "You need to learn to..." Is how countless sentences would start once they locked into tearing me apart verbally. When I asked them to follow up on the "teaching" and give me the next steps on what they think I need to learn, they never could, so I eventually figured out that they were just attacking me and that the facade of angry but loving teaching was just a facade. But yes, go on and tell me how Im too sensitive and just need to "let go" i.e. permit your horrible behaviour....
Thank you so much Jerry. Being in a narcissistic family is really hard. And it feels like nothing a person can ever do is right and the whole time they think that they are the problem 😢.And sometimes the whole family including the extended family is made to believe the scapegoat is a problem.Sometimes they recruit family friends too 😢And some people could live their whole lives like that thinking they were no good and just trouble if not for your wonderful channel Jerry.
My mom tried to tell me how a child is raised has no bearing on their mental health or relationship with their family as an adult and if it does theyre a rotten person
thank you. your videos have helped me immensely while i heal after cutting ties with my mom. my brothers are considered the "golden children" so when they found out i cut my mom off, they would say things like this to me, despite knowing the abuse she put me (the scapegoat) through. i appreciate you trying to educate people on dysfunctional families and narcissism!!!
Please be careful. I cut ties with my family. After ten years I reconnected with my brother. It's the only thing I really regret in my life. I never saw that he is even more toxic then them. I was so brainwashed that I could not see what he did. Exactly the same things. Brainwashed into him like they brainwashed into me that this is all okay because ... brother. It is normal for a brother. No, it's not, especially for a brother. Be aware that the golden boy(s) does the exact same things.
Another phrase that toxic / Narcissistic people use is , " I don't know what your talking about" . It's a way for them to avoid accountability, and responsibility for what they actually said. It honestly makes the most sane person feel like they are losing their mind.
Thank you SO much. I am 62. I am just now figuring this out. So sad. My whole life I am led to believe I'm just not loveable as I am (I am a delight I have you know! 😁And I have a t-shirt on the way that says that!) The gaslighting phrases...both my parents say and do every one of those. Just days ago my mom said, I was JUST kidding. There wasn't anything humorous or jokey about what she had said. Now I feel I can say to myself; it's not me, it's them. It's always been them. My last visit I actually replied to something said to me by them - this is psychological warfare what you guys do! They thought that was funny. I was packing my bag to leave so, thank God. 👍🙏
"I just want my own reality. You may think the moon is made of green cheese. That's fine. That's your own reality." That's the problem. That's exactly what I did. And it ended up that by not rejecting their view of things, I was complicit. I allowed it all to keep going on. My advice now is that you can never win with a narcisisst and a dysfunctional family. Just get away as soon and as fast as you can. Run, run. Don't think of winning. Just save yourself and get away.
Bang on target Jerry! I. See. Them. And won’t play ball with this dysfunction anymore. This is now my stance-- First I must value someone’s opinion for them to insult me.. thank you Jerry.
My Mother would always say, "Well, your Sister is more sensitive than you are". My Father would always say, "You didn't come with any Instructions". This was one of his recurrent jokes. Thanks Jerry Wise for your video & channel.
It felt really really good to finally call out the elders and preacher and his wife in front of everyone this past Sunday. They played stupid games and won stupid prizes. I already got put through narcissistic abuse and they put me through it IMMEDIATELY. Got the cops called on me because they didn’t like me telling the truth, so I just went to the public easement and gave my testimony there 🤣
Facts Jerry my narcissistic father and aunts treat me like I'm crazy when I am not always hear phrases like you take things too serious or just imagining things or why do you always f... things up or just too sensitive or you're delusional etc .
If I ask for help, bad, because they have their own issues and I should understand that, so how dare I ask them for help?? If I don't ask for help, bad because I should because it's a sign of bravery and I can't with this alone.
Thanks Jerry for these insights and tools. Most therapists aren't so wise. Last year this woman told me "but it's your mother!" when I told her I was going no contact. Ugh!
@@probi99 people who make responses like that, have no idea what it’s like to deal with a narcissistic parent or parents. They also assume all parents are good parents, or they just might be narcissists themselves. Completely ignore these kinds of people because only you know the hell it is to deal with such awful parents.
My mom would always complain that she always has to watch what she says around me. Well guess what, you say hurtful and mean things, you can expect a reaction you dont like
As soon as the phrase "You're too sensitive" came up, I thought ; "Now there's a phrase I grew up hearing" (probably every day) . I was told this by others outside of the Family home, in School for e.g.
I just listened to a couple books by Harriet Lerner -- I know you appreciate her work. She has a great self-differentiation phrase to respond to reality denying statements: "I don't see it that way."
What's unbelievable unreal is why so many people don't understand to just quit playing these narcissistic/psychology manipulation games these people play. Just "Get Out" "Get Away" nothing is worth this garbage these people who participate in this. Once you recognize you have "Family Members" or anyone else involved with this mental health behavioral isses. Find it within yourself to Drop these people out of you life. You're never going to "Fix" change or improve on these people. YOU Can't fix or force them to improve on being a different person or better person. You cannot reason with people who refuse to be reasoned with NPD or with severe psychopathy issues, it's impossible for you to influence them, help them, coach them, they have their own intentional narrative of how things are in their mind. Its similar to trying to rationally reason with a five year old spoiled child throwing a full blown temper tantrum. However, no amount of discipline or time-out will ever influence them to see that their behaviors are inappropriate and unacceptable. It's unfortunate that it has to come to cutting people permanently out of your life and its painful last resort with loved ones and family members., but it's often the ultimate end conclusion. Years or sometimes decades of constant manipulation, gaslighting and ongoing, ever-changing narcissistic tactics usually results in very little progress or positive benefits, or no progress in the long run. Even if short term temporary improvement is shown, it tends to be short lived and their backpedaling just results in a relapse of the same horrible behaviors all over again. It is ingrained in their psychology. Their is NO other reality to these people. They cannot see it, understand it, or work on themselves when they are unable to recognize it within themselves. Its completely unnatural for them to accept it as reality or truth. Most likely you will waste decades of your life in frustration, manipulation, gaslighting and way too often doubting your own reality of what was said or factual events that have taken place. Even if you had it video tecorded and played it back to them, they will deny it or manipulate what is being seen. Great example was that phrase that " They will cut your hand off and then accuse you of overreacting for being upset" its actually much worse when they then accuse you of deserving it, or bringing it on yourself that they had to cut your hand off.
This hits home. I was raised with variations on all of these. My dad enabled my mom, so he adopted the phrases too. Me: "Dad, she told me to kill myself. She said I should drop on my head! That's horrible!" Dad: "I know, but she doesn't know how to express herself, and she's your mother!! Quit being so dramatic!!"
Mom uses these on me. She also uses them on my dad and my sister to the point hating my mom and tried to divorce her and disown me until she blackmailed by golden child of a brother.
Omggg the very first phrase 😢 they really did have me believing I was and watched me nearly die and struggle and suffer AT THEIR HANDS my whole life.. never ever made room for me or accepted me or allowed me to be a part of the family and watched my mom brutalize me while they all played happy family and continued to in the most hateful and disdainful way possible tell me and everyone else I'm " too sensitive " 🥺 I'm so gd happy I left them. My god, I think I would have actually died if I had stayed. NO CONTACT, all of them. Absolutely not, never again. GO AND STAY FAR AWAY 🙅♀️ If you're thinking about going no contact, you should do it.
"You provoked them. You should give them grace and stop doing what you do" (as if they can't help it; as if they can't control themselves) "Look at you. You can't help it. Therefore, we have the right to take the right to choose from you" (if I can't control it, I'm not choosing. They are saying that they should control me because I can't help it) So, I can't help it, which means that they have the right to control me, but I can help it at the same time, and that's why I deserve the blame and their punishment? Because it's a "choice" I make? They can't help it, which means that I deserve the blame because I can help it? So, I "provoked them"? But at the same time, they can help it because they can control themselves, "unlike me"?? 🥴😵
In trying to differentiate myself from narcisistic Mother I never invited my family to my art show comming up, I slipped up and told my disabled sister and she told nm so when nm came to get her boxes from my helping her move last year nm invited herself. I really don't want her to interfere with my art sales this year like she did last time I did an art show. Im thinking I will change the date and offer to go on another day other than the opening night. Last time as patrons were trying to look at my art she kept making conversation and badmouthing me because of my dyslexia and history of precieved issues as a child. I really think if she hadn't been at my last art show I could have had better sales for the effort of setting up the display for viewing and potential sales. Nm sabotages, and sees nothing as someone elses accomplishments...😢
I got accused of being too sensitive after blatant disrespect of of me and my loved one. They wont admit to being wrong for what they did, and refuse to apologize..😡
👉❤️When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥️ He is coming to avenge! 👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥️🥳 As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations. Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤️😊 Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤️You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥️ 😍 Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and defeated the death by rising 3 days later! 🙌❤️🥹
I finally went no contact with my abusive mother and then she continued to come into my home and act abusively towards my children and I. I was granted a restraining order and she is now actively fighting it in court to have it lifted, stating that I falsely represented facts and the relationship. I truly believe that she believes she can manipulate the judge. All of this because I dared to dissent from her control.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be👇
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Last thing my mom said that led me to go no contact was “you need to get over the things that happened when you were a kid, I already have”
Jesus, that's repulsive.
Goes alongside, "just get over it" and "I hope that one day you learn forgiveness."
Hard to do that when you know damn well they aren't sorry, there's zero genuine remorse.
Yep.
I’ve experienced the same with my family. Recently went no contact with two older sisters. They had me believeing this was all in my head, and everything was due to me being too sensitive. It’s a peace going no contact that now I can focus on me. ❤
Yes, "get over it! move on! it was so long time ago" is a family classic.
My mother was the same. But that also was when I realized that while they couldn’t still beat me with a belt for ego tripping reasons anymore…(and so on), nothing has really changed eh? What they did 30 or 40 years ago is pretty much what they still would do to this very day…if they could get away with it. And that is kind of the crux of the issue. The fact that it’s not just about “way back when.” More or less it begs the question of…and so why haven’t you improved even one iota in 40 years tho? You sucked back then and you still suck now. But by all means…keep on delusionally thinking whatever you want about it. 🙄
It is amazing how narcs irrespective of gender, age, ethnicity, demography have the same pattern.
It’s not amazing, human nature is universal across cultures and time.
The reason they think, act and speak the same way, with little or no variation, is because we're dealing with a Demonic personality. We are real human beings trying to deal with a hollow shell where a Demon or Demons live. My former Husband John has 13 separate Johns. He thinks he's the second coming of Christ. The 13 is Jesus and the 12 Apostles. A Christ Complex is the most extreme form of Narcissism.
Same as psychopaths 😬
It's the quoting verbatim that gets me 😂
For most of my life, i thought there was something wrong with me; but after being in therapy for nearly two years, i realize the problem lies with my family.
I'm JUST starting to realize that too, and how scared up some things were and still are.
Therapy is wonderful
Helen, I thought something was wrong with me for 13 years. At that time, I had been placed, through the courts, in a training school for girls. Was running away from home. I stayed for a year. During that time, I was promoted to high school and within 4 months, I was on the HONOR ROLL. At that point, I NEVER LOOKED DOWN and those feelings of inadequates and doubts DISAPPEARED. When I was released, within 2 weeks, the cussing and dogging began. She called me stupid. I told her, "I may be a lot of things, but I am not stupid." I was 14 by then.
1: "You're too sensitive"
2: "I'm your mother / father"
3: "That never happened"
4: "You're imagining things"
5: "Stop being so dramatic"
6: "You're stupid.."
7: "I never said that"
8: "Everyone agrees with me"
9: " You're overreacting"
10: "Why are you making things up"
11: "It was just a joke"
12: "You could never get things straight"
I've heard all of these and its time to leave my relatives alone.
Yes these and "you're remembering it wrong" is another one.
Me too. I don't even want to know what was said behind my back. The too my face stuff was hurtful enough.
I cut them off over 2 years ago, and I don't take nothing from nobody anymore.
Not in an aggressive way, but I no longer back down and speak up for myself
Plus “I was just teasing, what’s the matter with you?” straight after a gaslighting or openly attacking comment…
"Other people's children do x,y,z", "you need to see a therapist", "where was i", "well why didn't you tell me", "I don't know why anyone would want to go and talk to someone about their childhood".
Learning a bit about logical fallacies would go a long way also.
I was constantly told growing up that I was too sensitive and overly sensitive. To this day, I get so triggered when I hear those words.
My niece was described as this, she's 31 and still at home, the house where pets were tortured and her dad, my older brother and her gmaw had a 2 decades long affair (still married), she an animal re-hab specialist, she's not overly sensitive, they're overly stupid and cruel! Mom would say I should be more like a duck and throw insults off my back as if it was water (now I'm a duck?)
My reality now: I'm hypersensitive beause of what they did to me. And they can eff off.
Seems at least this one is healing.
Me too. It sets me off instantly as does the denial of saying certain things.
Most hurtful and rejecting thing imo, it totally rejects who you are. One of my mother's is "you think too much", "nobody thinks or talks like that". Well I do, and im your child, how's about some validation. Lol, that's never coming
My narcissistic mother’s favorite phrase after an argument, “I’m over it, you should be too”. Never in my life did I hear an apology.
How about: that's just your perception.
@@gnyc7284"I'm sorry... you feel that way"
All narcissists will one day give a false apology and go back to their abusive behavior- knowing full and well you made it clear not to break your boundaries and trust.. My narcissistic mother did that.
My mother's latest "im sorry YOU got upset". I cannot connect with this woman on any level. My frustration and now deep anger at her has just led to more doubling down on her idiocy. Her latest thing is qorrying about my father's health (the fittest 80 year old I know!). The fact I've been chronically ill for 7 years and barely leave the house and am in constant pain goes right over her head! Hearing your father is slowing down and is pre diabetic, which he was too fat and is now thinner, is like a smack in the face. It's what she has always done, protected him and let me suffer harm whilst expecting more from me. Insufferable
Jokes on her because she is never over it if she's a narcissist she permanently operates from a false self
My favourite "you are mean. " After basically bullying me my entire childhood.
@@mr.vargas5648 projection always
I understand. My mom tells me that I'm mean and "always against her" after a lifetime of her talking down to me, dismissing me, telling me to kill myself, etc.
Nice to know we aren't alone in experiences, at least.
Boundaries are “being mean” with a narcissist.
Same! My mother accused me of abusing her cos I didn't want to drive her somewhere she wanted and I just wanted to go watch a movie with a friend. They will really change words and anything as long as it suits them.
I never see my kids as mean I see them as hurting and acting out the hurt personally I think it's weird a parent who has the power in the dynamic thinks their kid is mean to them
Here’s one - they want you to just forgive the past but never acknowledge just exactly what you’re forgiving. In other words, just forget. It’s the narcissist’s lobotomy.
Why are local therapists not this real and honest? I’ve been to private and community places they are awful
Right! I thank God for therapists and psychologists on RUclips sharing their knowledge for free!
Yes, the majority of therapists aren't trained or knowledgeable about these dynamics.
@@domspeakslifeseriously!
Because it's a suedo science and most people who go in the field NEED a good therapist, they don't make a good therapist.
When they call you crazy or stupid, just ask them why they want to continue a relationship with a stupid or crazy person? Or if they call you abusive or cruel, ask them why they want so badly a relationship with someone who is abusive or cruel.
So true. I was like ok then. So what does that say about YOU tho? Esp when you think of the envy. If I’m such a “loser” then you must be even worse off since you’re way down here in the gutter with me trying to steal my dumpster diving scraps for yourself. 🙄🙄 So nutso they are.
Or the whole “prowess” stuff. Like congrats big guy. You whooped a little girl’s ass. You intimidated a little kid. I guess that makes you big man on the block somehow. They’re as bad as those guys revving their engines with a loud muffler. (We all know the joke about that one lol). Yah. What a “stud” 🙄. Do you feel like a man now?
Mine insisted I never flush properly, 35 yrs together and I say is that the best you could do, marry and have kids with someone who purposely could care less about leaving something unflushed? Very draining (no pun intended) showing them how dumb they are.... How stupid their words and thoughts come across as....
I found this was a high reliability way of obtaining a screaming abusive tantrum with lots of fake victimhood. Funny thing was that, as an independent powerful adult, it no longer moved me, but it seems that despite not obtaining the desired results, she didn't have any other option. Like maybe just not doing it again 20 minutes later.
Thank you, I will do it
After I went No Contact, my narc mother wrote me a letter telling me what a horrible person I am. One year later she sent me another letter suggesting that we go into counseling together. I returned a copy of her first letter and told her that she is too wonderful of a person to be stuck in the presence of the person she described in her letter. She finally left me alone.
Self-trust is so important. In this day and age, we’re constantly being bombarded with fake news, fake people, fake everything! Having a core sense of self and believing your own reality is the only way to stay sane.
Thank your mother, not a narscissist.❤
Oh my mom loves to say, “You talk about the past too much, think of positive things, happy things”
And I’m just standing there with my eye twitching, sometimes both.
The layers of sheer bullshit they manage to pack into a simple statement has to be an art form I swear.
Yet they hold onto grudges for decades! My mother has even darvo'd me when I tried to get her to understand. I wanted a closer relationship, she said I thought we were close, then I brought something up gently and darvo! Then the guilt tripping, other people's kids do x,y,z ........ before I got ill, I'd have jumped to it, being ill let me know how self centred she is and utterly thoughtless.
Where did they learn the behavior," grandma, or grandpa, there parents
“Why are you so selfish?” or “It was a misunderstanding.”
I'm my mother's greatest disappointment. I'm not like her, I don't particularly like many of the things she likes and 7 years ago I got chronically ill. Her answer, go for a walk! Then she doubled down telling me I laughed at her when she was in hospital (she also has at chronic illness) having one of several operations. The hell I did! I was worried sick, visited (despite being in a d..v. relationship at that time and scared they'd be angry), brought her clean clothes when my stupid father 'forgot'. Yet she values him more than me, worries about hus health despite him being healthy and active. I don't think she could care less if I actually died, she would say she did everything for me and weep in front of others!
My sister's favorite phrase: "That never happened, you must've dreamed it!"
My Dad often said "You're over reacting", meaning that my feelings overwhelmed him.
It's wild that our government partakes in similar practices.
If you stay, bad.
If you leave, bad.
If you fight, bad.
If you please, bad.
If you do nothing, bad.
If you do something that isn't "the (their) way", bad.
If you give up, bad. If you don't give up, bad too because "you shouldn't try to change/fix/control" other people (the irony of saying that being literally control...). They want you to shut up and "don't bother" without looking bad... and that's a level of uncaring that is beyond belief.
It's a catch-22 where you lose either way for something that wasn't your fault.
It'll make you lose your mind. Don't let it/them.
@@lorihoop3831 Sorry, but I no longer welcome this kind of sentiment.
Abuse is not on the victim. It's not my job to save/protect myself. If I could stop them, don't you think I would have done so already?
Do you wanna know why abuse happens? Because we focus on how the victims react rather than actually do something about it.
Abuse doesn't happen if you live in a society that doesn't allow it.
So no; telling me to stop it doesn't empower me at all. Shame, blame and obligations never did nothing but mask this issue.
@@lorihoop3831 Sorry, but I no longer welcome this kind of sentiment.
These things happen because society allows them, not because victims don't do "what they have to".
This sentiment is exactly what prompted people to blame, shame, put expectations and put obligations on me rather than actually do something. I no longer welcome these as a form of "empowerment". They only keep me trapped and robbed of myself.
Holy shyt that's what I'm dealing with!!
For me as a twelve yo, it was "Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. "
As an adult, it was "She's not happy until you're not happy 😒.
My narc mother made up her own word for lying--she "disremembers" things that she feels are unpleasant. No, she lies about them ever happening to sooth her ego.
My mother is now forgetful, so she doesn't remember the last lie she told so she will say one thing one day and a different thing on the same subject a week later! It's one of the ways I saw through her lies. Lies that I'd believed for decades!
4:23 "Everybody in the family knows you are a problem".
Really, Intresting. 🤔
When i was younger i was convinced all they gashlighted me was true and real 😳
I was so naive.
Same here
Me, too.
same
BINGO!!
(While i was clearly upset &/or crying) My mother always used to say to me “we’re not picking on you, we’re just teasing” 💔
As someone who is completely blind, autistic and has CPTSD, I had a narcissistic stepmom who would pull cruel jokes on me because of my blindness and autism. Things like opening doors wide enough in hopes I would run into them. Sneak up behind me when I didn’t notice and do things like step on my hair, poke my neck or face, grab and yank me and scare me. Pulling chairs out from where I was going to sit in hopes I’d plop on the ground. If I got mad about those jokes, she’d say things like, “take a joke. You’re so sensitive. There are people out there called assholes. You just need to learn to deal with it and know people are going to do that.” As a special needs individual, NO! It’s not a joke! You don’t mock a blind person, and you don’t mock an autistic individual for having high intense emotions.
I'm so very sorry that you went through all of that. ❤😢
@@MsJ3ny thanks so much. I have overcame so much in my healing. I do need to overcome more. I have found some amazing tools in my toolbox that I love. My stepmom tried to take those away from me. Because she wanted me to live up to her’s and society’s rules, norms and expectations. Mainly her’s in a lot of way. I’m working on allowing myself to use them instead of withholding them from myself. Because they truly help me.
I’m so sorry you endured that! Best wishes to you!
@@siennaprice1351 Sending thoughts of support and caring as you continue your journey of healing. 💖💖💖
Sue her
"The world out there is dangerous. Only family will help you"
"Family won't help you. The world is dangerous and you gotta toughen up"
The world (something that isn't them or in their control) being X is an excuse for me having to:
- Accept that they'll never help me
- Believe 100% of the time that they'll help me
Every time I cried as a child, I was called Sarah Bernhardt. I didn’t know who she was, but I was ashamed.
The negating was done so effectively that even exercising silence had a similar effect.
My mom accused me of the very issues SHE HAD HERSELF! The constant confessions by projection onto me were exhausting and so torturous!
I have heard ALL of these from my family. The accusation of “you’re crazy” being even more cruel because my older brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Even going so far as to say, “Even your schizophrenic brother thinks you’re crazy!” -because, I guess, that makes him an expert?
Dr. Laura recently told a caller to tell her son “because I’m your mother” and “my house, my rules”. The son wanted a longer hairstyle, and he was pushing back with “it’s my body.” I get parents wanting a certain presentation and appearance for their children, but her response made my skin crawl.
That's a parent feeling their child is a reflection of them, it's all about them.
@@thedevilandhertrumpets4268 sorry but who’s Dr Laura? If that’s the advice she gave a parent, that’s a major red flag 🚩
My mother lived to use, "You just think you're better than everyone else" Clearly YOU'RE the problem not her abusive behaviour and complete lack of respect for someone else's boundaries.
That didn't happen BUT if it did you caused it .
Just to be aware. These phrases are not limited to toxic family since they are also used by toxic friends.
correct
Gaslighting is akin to chumming. The sooner one can identify what’s taking place, the sooner one can act. In my experience a positive course of action was to NOT react/respond/engage. Silence is strength and power.
The gaslighting that you receive as a child from your family is actual insane and should be deemed child abuse (by authorities). I would add ' Can we move on from (insert comment here)'. I have heard all of these phrases in my childhood and more so in my adulthood. Now that I'm low to no contact people want to act shocked, surprise surprise I'm done with their lunacy.
“get over yourself” was/is her absolute favorite. they would accuse me of something or insult me or badmouth me in front of my daughter.
I would then try to stick up for myself or explain myself but then …
they would immediately interrupt and say:
“ here we go again… everything is always about you ! you’re so selfish. I mean, would it be OK if I have a life? Am I allowed to speak in my own house or no?”. 🙉🙈🙊🤣🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🐐
O yes, all the time!! Never affirmation, never praise, just accusations of conceit, swelled head.
My worst moment as the Family Scapegoat was when my Family accused me of cursing the rest of the Family with Cancer. Bonkers or what? My Son could hear my Sister screaming at me down the phone from upstairs! The Family are part Gypsy, so that's why they were looking for someone who must have cursed them. Sadly it was me getting the blame, once again. Eventually I removed myself almost completely from the crazy bunch of nutters!
“Honor Your Father/Mother” and “But We’re Family” has been used on myself and my hubby.
Thanks for sharing!!
"Wow, you have such low self esteem"
My mom recently told me “I’ve suffered, you don’t know what suffering is.” All because I cut her off and don’t want to talk to her, she went as far as trying to have my husband and I arrested and did witch craft in my old apartment so I would leave my husband. It’s infuriating.
In the name of Jesus...take CO trol of your apartment space asking God Almighty to fill every nook & cranny & that any ungodly thing MYST flee in Jesus Name.🙏💖
@@sandracrandall4561 we did at the time, we no longer live there anymore 🙏🏼
In all my dealings with Narcissistic people, Witchcraft is always a factor. Sooner or later it will surface, in some way, shape or form. My former Husband John has been on lots of mental wards, and he answered my question about the connection between Witchcraft and mental health problems. He'd never encountered one patient who hadn't dabbled in the Occult. The more involvement, the more insane they were. Himself at the top with a Christ Complex, which is the most extreme form of Narcissism.
All narcissists are Satan worshippers and belong to the devil, the father of lies, because they want to be highly exalted. Satan got kicked out of heaven because he wants to be highly exalted above God. No one can stand before my God, Jesus is God and He loves you. Stay close to Him.
Are you sure you don't talk about MY mother? Sounds just like her. But no, she does not need a cellar or tools or spells. She can do witchcraft completely invisible.
I never believed in magic until I started to remember what they did and realized that, whenever I get close to them, and especially her, bad things start to happen. So many things that never happen in places or with people they don't know and have no connection. It's disturbing.
Be careful. Strong emotions can do things. They cursed me, I'm sure about that. Regarding money and especially regarding love. She has a trauma too, and I experience the same thing over and over. If she can't have it, nobody can. Especially me.
I changed so many things they brainwadhed into me, but these two seem to be immune against every attempt to change even the slightest bit. They seem to get worse the more I free myself from other things. It's crazy. I have no other explanation. Psychology cannot explain what happens, especially in these two aspects.
Maybe I should try an exorcism. 😂 Not funny, but I prefer to laugh abaut it. Better than despair.
Bro, you’re a RUclips sensation.
You never met her, but you quoted my mother to a T. As a result of realizing wolf what she is after 59 years, is that I guard personal information of my life so closely many people are taken aback by this. I’m not sure if I should stop this, but I feel this is a boundary I need to maintain so I never let another person like this in my life again.
I’ve had family members make up situations or purposely mis interpret situations to make me appear like the bully. Then they would feel justified in their actions and anger toward me and try to make me apologize for fictional events.
'"Before u go seek help on your issues, I will not condone your bad behaviour against me!""
That's from my narc sibling. Totally disgusting!
Especially when they are the source
Same here ! Same words
Refusing to deal with mine she said she was doing a wellness check on me, idk if she tried, I pity whomever she spoke to 🤦she's nothing, pure nobody with bucks, aren't they all! 😊
👉❤️When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥️ He is coming to avenge!
👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥️🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤️😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤️You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥️
😍
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
🙌❤️🥹
Though I'm not living with my biological family for years, and when I lived I was "good girl" only because I kept silence, I did heard part of it. "it never happened", "you misremembering"... and many more... I'm still wondering how I succeeded to survive... But my third son is right - we all survived and that is our biggest achievement for now...
Thank you, Jerry
Not always the wisest move but give them something THEY have to "let go" or "grow up" over.
Prepare to be told to STFU and be a victim of petty theft.
Remember these are "good adults" sent to give us a "taste of our own medicine".😊
They try to behave like nothing wrong has happened and still is happening; and try shame you with your true feelings as someone insensitive; of course abusing their parental authority.
Thank you.
Exactly. 🎯 “We did what we had to do”. Thats my parents ‘legitimate excuse’ to keep our inheritance from a great aunt. Therefore, we remain DEPENDENT on our parents. They paid off their house.
They don't want me alive, but they don't want me dead either.
They don't want me with them, but they keep me trapped with them.
They try to read my mind but when I tell them, they tell me to never tell them again.
According to them, you are both the source of their damnation and salvation.
I have heard every one of those gaslighting comments repeatedly from both parents & siblings. Definitely took it in emotionally & it affected me mentally. I question absolutely everything & everyone now. Hard to trust others. Thank you for the examples & tips Jeri.
Sorry you feel that way, but I understand. However, I fooled all of them. The stupid one, went back to school and earned a degree from a PRIVATE university. It took a long time but I got even with all of them. The last laugh, is the best laugh.
Yeah my narc brother when I told him I didn't appreciate him getting drunk at my daughters graduation and ragging on us -- 'oh that was so long ago, you're still mad about that, why didn't you say something before???' No accountability, no I'm sorry, just trying to flip it back on me, blaming me for bringing it up. What an idiot!
My mom likes to go histrionic when challenged and flounce around saying “you’re just trying to punish me” or “I feel suicidal from your comments “ but never a calm discussion or any kind of taking responsibility. I have long since learned that it is a waste of time and energy to talk about all the things they did.
I'm amazed little me was able to hold on to any semblance of reality to get me where I am today, considering all the gaslighting I endured. Thank you Jerry for your wonderful examples!!!
Every time I was telling the truth: you never shut your mouth.
Man, you’re making a huge impact with your videos.
Glad you like them!
I am not a councilor but, I had to educate, train myself against this horrible form gaslighting to be strong, resolute to navigate my way to freedom from this type of philological abuse throughout my childhood and adult life! I become angry to this day and continue to heal and go forward with the path I always wanted to take with life. I feel I was cheated in my youth. Thank you.
"We made your dog live in a hot garage all summer and a cold garage all winter and he was lucky he lived three years before we ran him over with the car pulling into the garage, but you're just very sensitive." And what did they say about my dog, after his health started to decline in his 2nd year of life? "He's just not that exciting of a dog anymore." my dad told me.
I don't know about common gaslighting phrases, but here's one my dad used. "The roof is not leaking!" as we're standing in the dining room with water dripping into a bucket that's sitting on the carpet between where we are standing. That was the sign of a man in narcissistic collapse. But until I understood that.... I thought I was going insane.
Yes my mom would always deny reality to make me question myself. "There is no cigarette smoke here", "there are no pests", etc. When confronted with photo evidence: "ah thats something completely different/there is nothing". Im not sure why, maybe she just liked dismissing me as a form to maintain control
😢i have heard EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE (very often) while growing up around an extremely (affected) delusionally enabling family members
My moms says i’m not being rude i’m telling you the truth when she says i look ugly in the outfit that day
Absolutely incredible that anyone does this, we're caught off guard, stunned and they take it as victory when really we're wondering if they're worth fighting it out with, bottom feeders ....
There's quite a list from my upbringing. "You need to learn to..." Is how countless sentences would start once they locked into tearing me apart verbally. When I asked them to follow up on the "teaching" and give me the next steps on what they think I need to learn, they never could, so I eventually figured out that they were just attacking me and that the facade of angry but loving teaching was just a facade. But yes, go on and tell me how Im too sensitive and just need to "let go" i.e. permit your horrible behaviour....
Thank you so much Jerry. Being in a narcissistic family is really hard. And it feels like nothing a person can ever do is right and the whole time they think that they are the problem 😢.And sometimes the whole family including the extended family is made to believe the scapegoat is a problem.Sometimes they recruit family friends too 😢And some people could live their whole lives like that thinking they were no good and just trouble if not for your wonderful channel Jerry.
Amen 😊
I am grateful to be strengthened every day by these videos.
My mom tried to tell me how a child is raised has no bearing on their mental health or relationship with their family as an adult and if it does theyre a rotten person
thank you. your videos have helped me immensely while i heal after cutting ties with my mom. my brothers are considered the "golden children" so when they found out i cut my mom off, they would say things like this to me, despite knowing the abuse she put me (the scapegoat) through. i appreciate you trying to educate people on dysfunctional families and narcissism!!!
Please be careful. I cut ties with my family. After ten years I reconnected with my brother. It's the only thing I really regret in my life. I never saw that he is even more toxic then them. I was so brainwashed that I could not see what he did. Exactly the same things. Brainwashed into him like they brainwashed into me that this is all okay because ... brother. It is normal for a brother. No, it's not, especially for a brother.
Be aware that the golden boy(s) does the exact same things.
You’ve got some serious skills, bro!
I appreciate that!
Another phrase that toxic / Narcissistic people use is , " I don't know what your talking about" . It's a way for them to avoid accountability, and responsibility for what they actually said. It honestly makes the most sane person feel like they are losing their mind.
Thank you SO much. I am 62. I am just now figuring this out. So sad. My whole life I am led to believe I'm just not loveable as I am (I am a delight I have you know! 😁And I have a t-shirt on the way that says that!) The gaslighting phrases...both my parents say and do every one of those. Just days ago my mom said, I was JUST kidding. There wasn't anything humorous or jokey about what she had said. Now I feel I can say to myself; it's not me, it's them. It's always been them. My last visit I actually replied to something said to me by them - this is psychological warfare what you guys do! They thought that was funny. I was packing my bag to leave so, thank God. 👍🙏
"I just want my own reality. You may think the moon is made of green cheese. That's fine. That's your own reality."
That's the problem. That's exactly what I did. And it ended up that by not rejecting their view of things, I was complicit. I allowed it all to keep going on. My advice now is that you can never win with a narcisisst and a dysfunctional family. Just get away as soon and as fast as you can. Run, run. Don't think of winning. Just save yourself and get away.
Bang on target Jerry! I. See. Them. And won’t play ball with this dysfunction anymore. This is now my stance-- First I must value someone’s opinion for them to insult me.. thank you Jerry.
My Mother would always say, "Well, your Sister is more sensitive than you are". My Father would always say, "You didn't come with any Instructions". This was one of his recurrent jokes. Thanks Jerry Wise for your video & channel.
It felt really really good to finally call out the elders and preacher and his wife in front of everyone this past Sunday. They played stupid games and won stupid prizes. I already got put through narcissistic abuse and they put me through it IMMEDIATELY. Got the cops called on me because they didn’t like me telling the truth, so I just went to the public easement and gave my testimony there 🤣
Good for you. After winning, make sure to forgive them, they know not what they do.
Before I left my mam i used the phrase 'well you're entitled to your opinion'.
Facts Jerry my narcissistic father and aunts treat me like I'm crazy when I am not always hear phrases like you take things too serious or just imagining things or why do you always f... things up or just too sensitive or you're delusional etc .
Mom would regularly say “You never know.” or “You don’t know that.” or “You really don’t want that.” or “You’ll get tired of that.” on and on.
If I ask for help, bad, because they have their own issues and I should understand that, so how dare I ask them for help??
If I don't ask for help, bad because I should because it's a sign of bravery and I can't with this alone.
Thanks Jerry for these insights and tools. Most therapists aren't so wise. Last year this woman told me "but it's your mother!" when I told her I was going no contact. Ugh!
@@probi99 people who make responses like that, have no idea what it’s like to deal with a narcissistic parent or parents. They also assume all parents are good parents, or they just might be narcissists themselves. Completely ignore these kinds of people because only you know the hell it is to deal with such awful parents.
This phrase " we are on the same page". Not only are we not discussing the book or the table of contents; page what page.
My mom would always complain that she always has to watch what she says around me. Well guess what, you say hurtful and mean things, you can expect a reaction you dont like
Silly me for having feelings. Sorry those feelings are not what you think they should be.
OMG! yes. I hadn’t thought about it, but I have never said to anyone “you are too sensitive”. Normal people don’t use that phrase
As soon as the phrase "You're too sensitive" came up, I thought ; "Now there's a phrase I grew up hearing" (probably every day) . I was told this by others outside of the Family home, in School for e.g.
Dude, you’ve mastered the art of RUclips
Thank you Jerry❤ These vids on gaslighting are badly needed as most therapists will never recognize or affirm this terrible treatment we suffer/d.
My nm told everyone that i won't forgive her. Yet i never even received an apology 😒
I wnt no contact 5 and 1/2 years ago
Dude, that was out of this world
I just listened to a couple books by Harriet Lerner -- I know you appreciate her work. She has a great self-differentiation phrase to respond to reality denying statements: "I don't see it that way."
What's unbelievable unreal is why so many people don't understand to just quit playing these narcissistic/psychology manipulation games these people play.
Just "Get Out" "Get Away" nothing is worth this garbage these people who participate in this.
Once you recognize you have "Family Members" or anyone else involved with this mental health behavioral isses.
Find it within yourself to Drop these people out of you life. You're never going to "Fix" change or improve on these people.
YOU Can't fix or force them to improve on being a different person or better person. You cannot reason with people who refuse to be reasoned with NPD or with severe psychopathy issues, it's impossible for you to influence them, help them, coach them, they have their own intentional narrative of how things are in their mind. Its similar to trying to rationally reason with a five year old spoiled child throwing a full blown temper tantrum. However, no amount of discipline or time-out will ever influence them to see that their behaviors are inappropriate and unacceptable.
It's unfortunate that it has to come to cutting people permanently out of your life and its painful last resort with loved ones and family members., but it's often the ultimate end conclusion. Years or sometimes decades of constant manipulation, gaslighting and ongoing, ever-changing narcissistic tactics usually results in very little progress or positive benefits, or no progress in the long run. Even if short term temporary improvement is shown, it tends to be short lived and their backpedaling just results in a relapse of the same horrible behaviors all over again.
It is ingrained in their psychology. Their is NO other reality to these people. They cannot see it, understand it, or work on themselves when they are unable to recognize it within themselves. Its completely unnatural for them to accept it as reality or truth.
Most likely you will waste decades of your life in frustration, manipulation, gaslighting and way too often doubting your own reality of what was said or factual events that have taken place. Even if you had it video tecorded and played it back to them, they will deny it or manipulate what is being seen.
Great example was that phrase that " They will cut your hand off and then accuse you of overreacting for being upset" its actually much worse when they then accuse you of deserving it, or bringing it on yourself that they had to cut your hand off.
This hits home. I was raised with variations on all of these. My dad enabled my mom, so he adopted the phrases too.
Me: "Dad, she told me to kill myself. She said I should drop on my head! That's horrible!"
Dad: "I know, but she doesn't know how to express herself, and she's your mother!! Quit being so dramatic!!"
@@Kennadien your mother said this to you? My goodness I’m so sorry, these people are so twisted :(
Mom uses these on me. She also uses them on my dad and my sister to the point hating my mom and tried to divorce her and disown me until she blackmailed by golden child of a brother.
So many years wasted 😔
Incredibly cruel people, my mother is something I can’t mention here without getting banned .
🙏🏼🕊️✝️
Right there with you!💯
Dude, you’re truly gifted
Omggg the very first phrase 😢 they really did have me believing I was and watched me nearly die and struggle and suffer AT THEIR HANDS my whole life.. never ever made room for me or accepted me or allowed me to be a part of the family and watched my mom brutalize me while they all played happy family and continued to in the most hateful and disdainful way possible tell me and everyone else I'm " too sensitive " 🥺
I'm so gd happy I left them.
My god, I think I would have actually died if I had stayed.
NO CONTACT, all of them. Absolutely not, never again. GO AND STAY FAR AWAY 🙅♀️
If you're thinking about going no contact, you should do it.
"You provoked them. You should give them grace and stop doing what you do" (as if they can't help it; as if they can't control themselves)
"Look at you. You can't help it. Therefore, we have the right to take the right to choose from you" (if I can't control it, I'm not choosing. They are saying that they should control me because I can't help it)
So, I can't help it, which means that they have the right to control me, but I can help it at the same time, and that's why I deserve the blame and their punishment? Because it's a "choice" I make?
They can't help it, which means that I deserve the blame because I can help it? So, I "provoked them"?
But at the same time, they can help it because they can control themselves, "unlike me"?? 🥴😵
In trying to differentiate myself from narcisistic Mother I never invited my family to my art show comming up, I slipped up and told my disabled sister and she told nm so when nm came to get her boxes from my helping her move last year nm invited herself. I really don't want her to interfere with my art sales this year like she did last time I did an art show. Im thinking I will change the date and offer to go on another day other than the opening night. Last time as patrons were trying to look at my art she kept making conversation and badmouthing me because of my dyslexia and history of precieved issues as a child. I really think if she hadn't been at my last art show I could have had better sales for the effort of setting up the display for viewing and potential sales. Nm sabotages, and sees nothing as someone elses accomplishments...😢
I love that you focus on the phrases as I feel this helps our neurodivergent friends identify manipulative behavior better.
I got accused of being too sensitive after blatant disrespect of of me and my loved one. They wont admit to being wrong for what they did, and refuse to apologize..😡
“It’s what Jesus would want” 🙄 I love Jesus but that’s not going to work, mom.
Always in the name of God, as if they can use it to shield their despicable act, whilst you'd be the antagonist perpetually.
Along with “Honor your Father and Mother” and what’s ridiculous is my parents only seem to know that part of the Bible 🤣
@@sylviagonzales1680 they always leave out the “parents, don’t provoke your children to anger” part
@@hiddenhand6973 exactly
👉❤️When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥️ He is coming to avenge!
👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥️🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤️😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤️You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤️He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥️
😍
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
🙌❤️🥹
I finally went no contact with my abusive mother and then she continued to come into my home and act abusively towards my children and I. I was granted a restraining order and she is now actively fighting it in court to have it lifted, stating that I falsely represented facts and the relationship. I truly believe that she believes she can manipulate the judge. All of this because I dared to dissent from her control.
I get told constantly to get over the past, only to constantly have them throw the past in my face. They are hippocrates as well!..😡
Man, your content stands out from the rest