Getting Childhood Neglect Out of Your Adult Relationships | Jerry Wise
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- Опубликовано: 31 июл 2024
- In this video, Jerry Wise discusses the impact of childhood neglect on adult relationships and offers practical strategies for overcoming these challenges.
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Emotional neglect is so damaging because if your basic needs for survival are met, you equate that with love. It isn't. Social services for people who are homeless provide the same kind of care our parents did. it comes from a sense of obligation and even guilt. No one spends time talking to these people. No one includes them in their lives as friends, companions. They know no one really cares. They want to be included.
Wow very well said!
Wonderful observation. And probably light years ahead of our society. And it makes their plight all the more heart breaking. That of the unheard victims, the unacknowledged victims ...it's always ten times worse being invalidated. And here you point out a pattern of such suffering. ...I imagine that when we cross over, we will get a good sense of all the unrecognised suffering around us, and also in us, that went unacknowledged by us and our culture. It will be an eye opener for sure.
@@lambchop6278 Check out "The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture" by Dr. Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté
Wow this is so much freeing for me
Neglect reinforces to you that you are not worth anyone’s time or effort. You don’t matter, life goes on no matter what you are experiencing, need or feel. That’s the terrible damage of being cast aside by original care takers. It’s in the fabric of your makeup. You can’t fight against it like you can name calling, shaming or physical/ sexual abuse. It’s insidious and sometimes can’t identify it.
At the age of 50, I just realized that I have been neglected by my family for years. I felt shame, self doubting, desperately wanted to get their caring and that invites more negligence. Thank you wholeheartedly Jerry for all the information you have been provided. I identified my issue and this is a great start to heal my inner child
I remember when I was a teenager I was being sexually harassed by a middle aged employer, I told my parents, they looked at each other and rolled their eyes then went back to watching TV. I finally went to the employer’s secretary- BIG MISTAKE. I was fired soon after. I told my parents - they said it was my fault for getting fired. They continued to do business with the man who sexually harassed me. I felt such shame. I now look back on that and think- ‘how messed up is that’?
I'm so sorry 😞 you have to go through that... I hope you will find healing and release this one day
Very messed up!
Your abuser and your parents are pathetic for blaming you!
Between my mother, father and older sister there was no one to talk to about my feelings or fears. Now I trying to defeat the codependency that developed in me. WHEW!
I'm glad this 'silent' form of abuse is starting to be understood better and talked about. Thank you very much for the list of resources; I can see there's another big book haul coming for me.
I highly recommend that anyone watching this video (which is excellent, by the way), that they also read Gabor Mate's book "When the Body Says No". He even references Family Systems Theory in it. But he highlights how tough childhoods set people up for physical illness. Parentification is perhaps a particularly lethal trait to instill in children, via neglect, as personality types (according to Dr Mate) who tend to compulsively look after others and neglect themselves, feature very strongly in study after study of cancer patients and those with other serious illnesses like ALS, arthritis, MS and others.
Edit: The material taught here by Jerry Wise, and similar standard of help on healing Codependency and inner child wounding...should in fact be required learning in schools. And our society should be remodelled so that emotional health is finally properly recognised as crucial to welfare, really it should be a human right. Hopefully making this a reality is closer to us than far from us. I really hope so.
Dr Gabor is great. I’m glad you enjoyed my video, thank you for watching
His new book is great, too. "The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture."
My mother needed kids because she was lonely and fed up of her neglectful husband now we are 3 putting up with toxic environment created by unhealed wounded parents.
I never felt like I belonged anywhere, even at my best friend's house. Now I know why.
Believing, understanding, & working through one’s personal Neglect is life-long. Outstanding communication Jerry!❤
I felt different than my peers, who could express feelings so easily & I was raised by a mother who thought expressing feelings was low-class. So I bought a feelings wheel & I've been working on identifying my feelings. I feel a new freedom in my soul.
Thank you very much! Yes, the neglect from parents is like a silent killer. It's even worst if both of the parents are neglecting your needs. And that's a classic example of narcissistic parents that do even much more harm a part from the neglecting part.
My parents did not even recognize that high school graduation was a venue, as we were launched out to college, of course paid for by ourselves.
I had the hardest time with boundaries, with anything, myself,others, situations,etc. I think it was mainly that I had the perception that boundaries made me less flexible to adapt to the constant shit show my life has always been. I learned otherwise and now I look forward to using my creativity for building boundaries instead of using my creativity for CRAPFITTING.
Man!
I received metal,physical and neglect abuse! Yet,
I still moved forward with my life and it’s still difficult setting boundaries. I appreciate your help! Thankyou!
I’ve been in therapy for 4 years now. It is in my 30s that I have learned proper hygiene and self-care for the first time. I struggle even to exercise because I feel I don’t deserve to take that time of leisure and idleness for myself. I have to constantly remind myself I am allowed to spend time and money on me. I still have so much progress to go, but at least I’m learning how to provide myself with the basics (like a warm jacket every winter!) and I have items in good condition as needed. I hope everyone on this painful journey can recover. God bless you all for your efforts.❤
Physical health, FIRST, to start with.
At the age of3-40 I knew that I was not comfortable ANYWHERE. That's the very word I used, not comfortable anywhere. What a disgrace to do that to a child.
Even when we understand the reasons that our parents were unable to care for us as children, the way that they should. It still takes a lot of work to recover from neglect and abuse . My parents survived the war years of WW2 in Europe and all that entailed . They went through a lot and there was no counseling after the war. I'm not angry or resentful of them anymore. But it's still a task to heal from their hurts.
I almost had an opposite reaction, to some extent, because I did receive support, mentoring, tenderness, guidance, and encouragement outside the family.
I came to understand that my family wasn't representative of the community or society at large.
However, I still felt a sense of underlying shame, less confidence or sense of ease and a feeling of often being an outsider or not belonging in a deeper sense. Lots to work through.
I'm so glad you had someone at least. They say if a child has even one person who genuinely cares, they can shift a lot of outcomes, just from that. I had a teacher who cared, but she didn't appear in my life until 9th grade. By then I was a teen, so the major damage had been done. A year later, she was out of my life, so then there were all the teen years to survive. Anyway, thank you for sharing. You matter!!
@@falconbritt5461
God help us all 🙏✝️💝
Otoh I had this thought while watching the video, that some kids get too much care and attention, and expect anyone to behave their way...
Maybe the most important for neglected kids is to learn to care about themselves, while spoiled kids need to learn empathy for others?
I've watched so many videos and read so much on this topic. This has at last hit the nail on the head for me in explaining certain things I've struggled with. Consequently, it also lessens shame I've carried on top of things like poor boundaries and too much automatic absorbing of others' criticism. ...That's a big deal, in fact.
Doing Great work, Jerry!!!! 🙏🏼❤️
Thank you Bryan, I’m grateful that you find my work helpful
Growing up I could only have 3 sets of underwear. One on my back, one in the drawer and one in the washing machine. I maintained this self neglect long after I was married and making my own money. Than one day the lightbulb switched on. And I said well I can afford more that 3 sets of underwear. So I have been treating myself to nice reasonable quantities of underwear.
This is the most wonderful eyeopening talk I have ever experienced. 54 yrs old both parents gone now and struggle with loneliness. I am biracial always caught between 2 cultures never belong, the loneliness! hopelessness,! but have learned more from watching Mr. Wise more than any therapy session or 12 step . Feeling blessed to have discovered Mr. Wise. Hopeful!!
Thank you. This is perfect description of my childhood neglect. And my siblings. I too have a dental legacy and pay for expensive dental care now and always will. 🙏🙏
If you have close friends u can share the process with and who understand, you don't feel lonely. U feel seen loved understood, not alone & heard which helps tremendously. Not to solve it for us.. But to be with us through it.
Also if u found a secure partner that def helps so so much with healing. But, it def is all a process.. I'm still learning and the wounds stay, but each time it's deeper & it can be hard but also it's great to always learn & keep having that loving relationship with yourself..always learning.
I'm so grateful to be where I am now than where I used to be..
And I'm excited to keep learning coz there's always something new.. Some days are crap and then it's good. The hard work & joy in-between is worth it.
I've read 2 of the books he's mentioned year's ago.. They were helpful🙏🌻
The Victim and Viking Pendulum analogy is good!
Mr. Jerry, you help me so much. Sometimes I need a break from thinking about all this, so I'm sure doing these videos could wear on a person. Thank you so much! I think you're improving lives. 🧸
I couldn't agree with you more and I just hope that we can find some solutions because I get burnt out on all of these diagnoses and feel sorry for myself at times and hopeless
I'm doing by best to find time (I really struggle to make the time, having been hauled, by my ever-neglectful siblings, into acting as sole, full-time, live-in carer to the core narcissist from my family of origin, who is now 100 years old) to watch as many of Jerry's vids as I can, every day that I can. At the moment, they are all I have in the way of expert support, because I can't afford counsellors or therapists, and I'm trapped here in my mother's house most of every day, unable to work and receiving no income of any kind. I also find that the content (excellent though it all appears to be, invaluable to understanding and potential healing - and free, thanks so much for that Jerry!) is wearing and painful and hard to work through without having feelings of despair and hopelessness washing around inside me as I watch. But I just keep on trusting that the cumulative effect of bravely wading through the free material here, making notes on my phone and making connections between the videos and info, I will eventually achieve enough accumulated knowledge and skills to break me free from my situation. I've heard there is no gain without pain. The videos here would seem to back this idea up. Thanks again Jerry. Your work on behalf of all people from/in toxic narcissistic family relationships and systems is generous and life-saving. Especially for people who have nothing else, such as myself.
Thank you, Jerry
I have it, all of it. And it is very upsetting and disturbing. Emotionally, even mentally... And for 64 years old woman hard to bear...
You're reading my mail this morning.
😊
same
you hit the nail on the head and went over so many relevant points for the topic Jerry. Especially when you touched the reasons some people have kids. I hate the societal "pedestal" they put on parents that almost attach a saint like quality because people decided to have kids. oh so that must mean they are these mature self sacrificial people who gave up their lives to bring new life into the world. Ugh no. Im of the opinion most people have children because they are afraid of being stigmatized if they dont have kids. theyre afraid of being seen as selfish. and in a lot of cases when babies are born in an unmarried couple, its because the girl is scared of losing her boyfriend so she has sex whenever he wants, doesnt enforce rules like wearking condoms, ope she got pregnant. and its also a fear women have that if they dont hurry up and get a boyfriend and have kids before theyre 30 then they will lose their chance and be alone and miserable forever. they only see their worth of having kids and a man in their life and reflect that as some sort of status. I think its a lot more admirable to be educated and established first. its is harder nowadays and will take longer with the economy. but ive always felt if im not able to secure a spouse and have kids before i longer can, then theres adoption. and God knows there are so many parentless children that need a good home with a stable and established secure parented home to grow in.
Some people weren't meant to be parents...
I wholeheartedly believe that.
Very well to described. 👏👏 I am still struggle to socialize and have few experience to socialize in society and fear of rejection, abandonement..
Thanks for your videos Jerry. My childhood was much like you describe. Both parents are dead now. I am now in recovery.
And also you make me understand why I always kept people at arm’s length..
Thank you Jerry for another great video. As usual, my wife and I got a lot out of it!
Thanks Jerry, your videos have been of great help to me in healing from the dumpster fire that was my childhood.
You really hit the nail on the head with your pendulum analogy. I've come to recognize this pattern in myself and also in people around me.
I try to explain it to people whenever I see it happening because it helps so much in being more understanding and patient towards people who are clearly struggling.
This is my category..childhood neglect.
resonate, deep insights, much appreciated as always Jerry.
You’re very welcome Kareem, thank you for always supporting my work
Its a problem if we have to tell others our wants and needs. I think people should know since we are all the same. A shrink said once that people feel abandoned which is human. If someone retreats from you, you will feel abandoned unless you dont care
Brilliant video thank you
Thank you, thank you!!❤
Very good information here ! Thank you, Jerry!
Excellent summary. Thank you Jerry. I’m here from your May 10th email link.
It's such a nebulous form of abuse to define. You do it well, thank you!
Thank you for this explanation. Ilive the way you explain some difficult topics. ❤
Fantastic information as always, Jerry! Thank you and thank you for the book recomendations!
Thank You for covering this topic! I grew up with this type of abuse and did a lot of healing work in my 20’s with therapy and self care. I knew it hurt me, but my mother didn’t physically hit or humiliate me like she did with my 2 older sisters, so I had some survivors guilt around that until I started getting help. Paid for my own dental care:braces college and therapy. I remember at 6 sitting on the couch with toothaches many times and it occurred to me a decade later that my mother could have at least given me a Tylonal.
You have a very good channel.💛
i do relate to all of this video.. i also see your self-differentiation tool kit which i have downloaded... i should look at that.. thanks
❤ THANK YOU SO MUCH ❤ THIS VIDEO HAS A LOT PACKED IN IT THAT I REALLY CAN USE FOR FURTHER HEALING. I RELATE TO A LOT MORE THAN I REALIZED AND TRULY APPRECIATE THE FOLLOW UP EXTENSIONS YOU LEAVE FOR US AT THE END OF THE VIDEOS. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS AND EVERYONE ELSE ❤
Your explanation and understand of this subject of childhood emotional neglect is amazing .. helping me understand with such clarity the root of my self-neglect and codependency. Thank you so much Mr. Jerry Wise. I commented about your weight around 10 years ago (my username was different at that time I couldn’t remember what it was) out of worry for you not to be able to contribute and share your gift to the world anymore. Now that I found your channel again, I am so glad you are still around, active and look much much healthier :) Thank you for all you do. God bless you always.
Thank you so much! I'm hoping that someday I can help others with this kind of thing. People who take that initiative inspire me and help me heal and I want you to know how grateful I am for what you do Jerry, and the WAY you do it, I can tell you really do care, that doesn't go unnoticed 💙💙
Oh and, I was hoping maybe I could ask you to cover narcissistic siblings in a video someday, more specifically in tandem with parental neglect. It's a very confusing childhood I'll tell ya lol! But I would love to hear you talk about it
Thanks for reading also! I really appreciate you and anyone else reading who might have a resource they don't mind replying with, hehe. luv yall, happy healing ✌️
Thank you for your videos. I am so sorry for what you experienced with the narcissistic person or people in your life. I am a (mostly) recovered COVERT narcissistic abuse victim (extreme empath who cared more about everyone else than myself & was easily manipulated) (divorced him 12 yrs ago). I didn't know he was a covert narcissist until I went to my FIFTH therapist (in 6 years) six years ago, who unbeknownst to me, specialized in narcissism and diagnosed him during our first appointment. Six years of weekly therapy (with little help) and no one ever brought up covert narcissism. They didn't bring up narcissism at all because he wasn't an overt narcissist where it was obvious. Most therapists told me he had ADHD or Asperger's. Because it's covert, very hard to diagnose unless you've been through it or specialize in it. My 21-year-old daughter has been stuck for many years, is getting worse. She refuses to start her recovery and healing journey because it's too painful to talk about it. Whenever I ask her to talk about her feelings or consider therapy again, she gets angry & calls me toxic (which I know is because she's being triggered by the thought of facing it). I had her in 5 years of therapy and two outpatient programs and nothing helped (before I knew the dad's diagnosis). So many CN victims don't get helped because the every day therapist doesn't recognize it. Majority of narcissists don't go to therapy. I cannot find any outpatient or inpatient programs that have anyone on their staff that specializes in covert narcissistic abuse. If you Jerry, or anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I am worried as the covert narcissist parent is talking about putting her in a boarding program that specializes in helping women "overcome the effects of the Covid pandemic". 🤦🏻♀️ never in his life has he ever expressed any care or concern for his daughter's struggles - never had asked her what's going on. He wants to put her in this program because her worse struggling is bothersome for him. The Covid outbreak may have triggered her trauma wound causing more anxiety and fear, but it was not the cause. Clearly he's not going to suggest finding a program that can help her recover from her narcissistic trauma. Any suggestions, Jerry? Anyone? Im desperate to help my daughter. Thank you! 🙏🏼 Pamela
Thank you for this video. I appreciate the resources. Much to think about and perhaps work on.
You are very welcome, thank you for watching
I don't even know how to want things anymore.
Thanks!
Welcome!
I'm trying to be wise, but It is a lot more challenging than just being ignorant.
Yes, once you start down that trail, you learn more and more and find out things perhaps better left unknown. Life is difficult no matter which way we face it.
Thank you for this brilliant video. It has been very informative and supportive for me. God bless you❤
Glad it was helpful!
@@jerrywise thank you 🙏
Thank you so much for the books recommendation.. I already had one of them which is Running on Empty by dr.Jonice Webb. I got them for 2 years.Just skim through the pages. Haven’t read it properly. Will find the time to read it.
Excellent information, thank you Jerry! I was neglected, so this was very eye-opening. And my husband was *smothered* by his mother & five sisters. They spent so much time "worrying" and getting overly involved in his life. They still behave this way. Do you have any videos that could help someone whose being smothered by their family? Probably something on unhealthy enmeshment ..??
Yes never driven. 27 years anorexic lots of health issues .I had stuff but no emotional bonds .
No one will want me .I was there to look after him .
I relate
I wasn't ready to be and had no idea what it meant to be a parent
People create these things for fun or just evilness.
Some families hate and destroy other families and use parents to destroy the ones they hate.
Lots of evil people in the world.
It's insidious because you believe your view point and thoughts are objective truth. When i started to unravel this stuff i got scared... I mean what else did i miss?
Yes, nevick2. It is scary and we face it alone. I spend too much time thinking about what happened and what role I played in it all.
Wow💚💚💚
Not being helped with " money for a first car" is not a neglect, it could be earned 😮
Hello Jerry, I left many requests in your latest community post. I'm curious if any resonated with you :)
❤
If enmeshment is too much togetherness, wouldn’t neglect be the opposite of that?
Neglect is too much separateness and distance, yes, but relationships are paradoxical in nature, so too much closeness creates too much distance, too much distance creates too much closeness. Maybe it would help to read Robert Gilbert MD, Extraordinary Relationships, and Jenny Brown, "Growing Yourself Up". Thank you for watching Joseph....
Thank you Jerry.
.....are there people out there that will actually care?? I'm serious. Isn't everyone too busy?
I ended up not knowing how to insist on adequate care, I was traumatized with the delivery of my son. I didn't return for the follow up appointment for myself, and I haven't seen a medical doctor since. I am working with a psychiatrist and therapist, but the therapist I don't trust either. I don't correct her when she says things about me that aren't true, because I do not think she will believe me.
Basic things needed when growing up: allergy medications, specialist doctors, mental health support, emotional education and support. Praise. An adult interested in me.
@@PaigeSquared It is tough doing therapy. They are only people. Don't know everything. I am trying to figure out how to deal with putting my foot down and telling mine what is and isn't true, what's important and what isn't. Is that one of our many problems?: we can't set boundaries?
You are right. Where are the people who care? Oh, that's right their names were Mom and Dad. That train left the station a long time ago and nobody on it was looking back. We have no choice to accept that truth. Our parents failed us. This is just a fact. We are the only ones left to care about us. Pretend they loved you. Pretend they are looking at you and saying, "You matter. You can do it. You are wonderful, whole, good just as you are. You will make mistakes, but you will be stronger for them. You will get up, throw your shoulders back and be you without caring what anybody else tells you to be. You are loved and cherished. Look forward and cherish all of you." They were supposed to love you and provide the structure that would develop in you the strength to accept that you are good, capable and determined. They failed. You don't have to. You can and will stand on your own two feet and give to you what you deserve: unconditional love. Don't look back. Look forward.
@@nancybartley4610 it is definitely a boundary problem, but I don't fully know which aspects are unhealthy in the mindset. I had a caregiver that did the same thing, I learned that attempting to convince someone else of my own qualities, when they wanted to see something specific, is a useless endeavor. I used to get worked up and hurt about it; now I see it as a signal that someone is unsafe and unwilling to allow me to authentically represent myself. I remind myself when I'm with them that they are not dealing with me, that they are responding to their mental image of me. My caregiver needed to believe that I was just angry and unruly, because otherwise they would have had to do the emotional labor of validating everyone's feelings and teasing out the toxic dynamic, including their own part in it. I believe a lot of the time it is projection, labeling the intentions and beliefs of others. With my therapist, I don't know enough about her life to know why she makes the assumptions that she does. But I definitely watch what I say with her, since I know she will assume without asking.
L I'll 9