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Outstanding video Mr. Wise. You definily bring honor to your name❤ Thank you. This was very helpful to get insight into my own behaviour and this new insight will help me become even more strong, grounded and empowered🎉
Xoxo you're not alone. It's unfortunate that we aren't and at the same time (sadly and regretfully) helpful in a sad, sad way. I know that I've picked up a lot of those ways of being and have been working on that more than figuring out how we can be close. I don't want my kids ending up where I am at nearly 50.
@@Silver-_-Crow 2 years of no contact followed by 16 years of minimal contact ( random text messaging a couple times a year) no face to face interaction for almost 2 decades with my mother and still a lot of inner work to do on my own.The pain never really went away. You just learn how to live with it
Yes. 100% No Contact. They will try to contact you. Phone # blocked. They will want to give gifts to you: no thanks. They will send msgs through others to you, etc. Always remain vigilent - your Healthy Inner Peace is worth it!!
⚠️❤️Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤️🥹 Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤️ He is about to remove His believers from this earth sobthey won’t stay for the Judgement. He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤️🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤️ Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA , Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yassir Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.
You may as well not say anything. They don't care. There are actually three things certain in life: death, taxes, and narcissists not caring about how much they hurt people. Thank you, Jerry! Internet fist bumps to all you survivors today. We're going to be okay.
Diabolical is correct! I finally expressed my desire to work on the dysfunction in the family (with my narc mum at the helm) at the ripe age of 36 and I got radio silence back. More fool me for thinking she thought there was something wrong that needed to be worked on 🥴🤦🏾♀️
So true. I've grown to despise them. It came about through my own chronic illnesses. How they've reacted and dealt with things has been diabolical. I can't unseen that. Their pretense at being good people is over for me.
Yes I found out this too. The hard way. Too bad I’m the only child left. I think they didn’t totally shun me because of that fact; they *may* need me as they get old, or something like that in their decision to not totally discard me after I confronted them. I no longer confront them but instead am planning and carrying out my escape.
@@bereal6590OMG I’m in this situation too. In my 50s and healing from a serious illness. Had to lean on their money and housing (of which they are in the upper class and share only tiny excrements of it). Withstanding continual criticism and disdain from them, even outright verbal insult to my being sick, yelling at me and throwing things around as they throw childish tantrums even in their 80s now! I’ve had to continue working a few hours a week just to afford my treatments. How they treated me during this illness, “I’ll never forget how you treated me during my illness”….I too cannot un-see it. The truth in my face.
They have no empathy for your emotions, they only want you to validate theirs. Anytime I would say to my mom “I’m so tired” she’d say “you’re always tired”… not seeing that my soul was tired and I was drained and basically begging for her to care as a mother should. My issues were always ignored. No motherly instincts what so ever…..
@@deemaysie6568 Mine too. I made the mistake of asking for help with my homework once and was met with a rage that scared me enough to know to never ask again. I even went on the game rather than ask for her support when she upped and left for the states when I was 21 and living in England and had nowhere to go. I would rather die than ever ask for her help because I know I would only get ridicule, rage and humiliation and repeatedly told that I'm stupid 'just like your father!' and always such a slow child.
Me too. My mother just couldn't give love. It wasn't inside of her. It took me years to come to grips with that reality. Some people are just cold and dead inside. Must be a terrible way to live.
@donnakelley1202 - That these people just don't have it inside them is the crux of the matter. The world is overflowing with people who "don't have it inside"!
For me, confronting them was a step toward healing. Once I told them how their treatment affected me and hurt me and they showed zero empathy let alone remorse, I was able to start grieving and eventually accepting that it was never going to be different. Up until then I was thinking that maybe they just weren’t aware of how they hurt me. I couldn’t use that to explain away their behavior anymore. They really don’t love me. It was a horrible bitter pill but I’m feeling more and more peace as time goes on.
I finally knew my mom would never care aboit me like she does my younger sister after YEARS and YEARS of helping my mom with a million things from taking her to a million dr appointments, taking weektnds to stay with her while she was sick incase she needed help and I cooked , cleaned for her got her meds etc , paid her rent when she was about to be kicked out , took her to the ER when she needed to go , helped her look for apartments when she needed to move then I woke up early and drove to her place so she wouldn’t be alone with the movers , the list goes on for the millions of things I helped her with. Well one day after driving her to Best Buy so she could purchase a tv , I helped her carry it up a ton of stairs , hooked all her cable etc up that she needed then ran out to get her food and somehow she got on the topic of when she passed away she is giving everything to my younger sis bc she is the one that does everything for her. It felt like the biggest slap in the face ever to have 0 acknowledgment of the 5 million things I would do for her ( and she isn’t disabled , she is perfectly able to drive and be independent but she chooses not to bc she likes everyone to do everything for her ). I don’t want her money or anything from her. All I ever wanted was a thank you for doing so much stuff for her etc. but after she said that ( which was extremly hurtful ) I told her I better go bc I had a ton of things to to tomorrow and I left. But rgat was the very moment I finally accepted no matter how much I do for her I will never be anything compared to my sister. I think I would do all rgat for my mom for a couple of reasons. I felt terrible for her that she was alone bc my dad passed away and my one sis never visits or calls her etc . I wanted to show her I could be a good daughter ( prob bc she was always mean to me and told me I was a terrible child ) so maybe in some way I was trying to show her I was a good child and I think I just wanted to believe she cared about me as much as my sister. But she doesn’t. I just stopped helping to do anything for her now. I do work out of town a lot now and I think it def is better for me mentally.
weirdly it took some random intuitive person i went to telling me your father will always disappoint you that helped me wake up and realize that was true and there wasn’t a point. it was just hurting myself to be around him so why try? why try to get him and others to see his horrible treatment of me when I KNOW ITS TRUE. it hurts to have reality denied and lied about and ignored to everyone else, the need to have others see them for what they are and know what they did instead of their lies is so destructive. but why try what is there to gain? those people can’t see it for themselves it’s not worth my time and effort to make them see when i know the truth. i wish they would so i could have some connection to people that see the truth and understand what happened instead of being isolated and scapegoated, but i can’t take that on.
@@ccalexander1924 maybe she knew she was getting you to do those things for her because you were trying to earn her approval and love and she felt she had to keep withholding it to get what she needed from you.
When i was younger, i tried confronting my narc stepmom about an episode of abuse in my childhood, and she just scoffed "oh, that never happened, you're imagining it." 😮
Typical Denialism. They really don't want to face the fact of their own wickedness. Because they HATE the truth they've been given over to a strong delusion and worship a vain idol of a perfect False Self in desperate hopes of making it real. ANYONE going against that delusion is the Devil to them.
A few times over the years I made the mistake of confronting my narcissistic so-called mother about how she treated us as children. At the time, I knew nothing about narcissism and thought that in retrospect she must regret her behaviour. Her denial and distortion of facts felt like a slap in the face.
I once confronted my mother about her verbal, physical, and emotional abuse towards me. Her response, "don't you believe you were a difficult child?" That was one of the most cunning (yet confusing) things she's ever said to me.
@@joyslove3858 Saying something like that to your own child is really cruel. As if it was your own fault - which it wasn't. And even if you WOULD have been a difficult child, that would NEVER justify abuse in any form. Are you still in contact? I haven't for almost five years. A difficult decision, but the best and perhaps most important one.
@@joyslove3858My "mother" said pretty much the same. Non-contact for over 20 years, but I had the misfortune of her pop up recently and there are no words for the level of manipulation and evil she caused when she did.
It seems to me that when I have confronted, (unsuccessfully), my parents, what I didn’t realize is that I was actually trying to confront the family system. Essentially all the flying monkeys flew in front of them and instead of having an adult conversation between me and my parents, became a shaming confrontation between me and my siblings. They were acting as they were self righteously attacked personally. It just shows how people do not like their reality to be shaken. They want to believe what they want to believe. And I am hateful for saying otherwise. I am the right package at the wrong address. No contact was all that was left to do.
I just wish I didn't have to lie to people I pretend they're dead and that they were great parents so I can have a job but I think I convinced myself they were and I mistakenly went back 20 years later
I've been trying to have rational conversations with my parents for years. I get told to BE QUIET. SHUT UP. THERE'S THE DOOR. On and on. So I've stopped trying. It's actually a relief...
I read a book a few years ago, toxic parents overcoming their hurtful legacy,. This book was very eye opening about how toxic family unknowingly can ruin your life. At the end of the book it talks about confrontation for your own healing; that is a big no no for a narc parent, they will lie on you, make you the abusor and never take responsibility, and they will hold this over your head for ever. they are not normal so dont hold them to normal standards. to grey rock and safe guard your personal life.
I agree sooo much. People who have all kinds of "Pollyana" suggestions about what to say to a narcissistic parent to "heal" the relationship are in complete ignorance of the meaning of "narcissism".
I was conditioned to be my Dad's confidant and just sit and listen for hours while he droned on about his finances, love life, and how "good" he was. It learned early on that he has ZERO interrst in what I have to say so there is nothing to talk about.
Confronting them will not work because a narcissist can do no wrong. We must accept this reality. Here is a question: Is it the adult you who wants to confront them or the child you? If it's the adult you, does he/she truly need their parents to be happy, okay, and safe? If it's the child you, you are better off nurturing your inner child and slowly help them to understand that their parents will not be able to provide them what they need but you are capable of doing so. Secondly, remember that narcissistic parents will always see you as a child, so even if it's the adult you, in their eyes you are and will always be a child, and an unhealthy parent will not tolerate being confronted by their child. Try to direct that energy towards nurturing yourself rather than trying to repair what is beyond your ability to repair. Hope this helps and stay faithful to you💪
@@Jane-Doe.1126 so what if you did. Go no contact and move on to your own life of love and self respect. Family or not, it's toxic and abusive. Choose better. Start now
All my life, I wondered "Why me?" How come I was the one chosen to be the scapegoat? It wasn't until recently that I understood why. I am the strongest and most resilient. I am not unbreakable. My family has tried to shatter my psyche in so many ways. I have suffered their torment. I have been burdened with their hatred. When I was devastated and desperately needed support, I was abandoned. I am still here. No one else in my family is capable of withstanding all that I have. I understand now that despite two decades of estrangement I am still a vital part of their well being and still the one who carries the weight of their ignorance, hatred, and fear. Without me, they would have to face responsibility for all their bullshit. Even outcast from the fold, I am still vital to their survival. None of this makes me feel any better. I will never be rid of all they have put up on me. At least now I have an answer.
You are 100% right! They use this to become the victims and you end up feeling worse than ever. One good thing that DID come out of it is by experienceing the insane backlash I decided there was absolutely nothing else I could try. It made the dysfunction that much more clear.
They never change!! They only person that can change is yourself...so i decided to change! Create boundaries, and stop allowing toxic negative energy in your life, its not worth it. Put yourself first and move on. These people arent capable of change.
After breaking off contact with my father (covert narcissist), I met him this afternoon after 6 months. I had prepared in advance for our meeting by writing down what he might say. Almost everything I predicted he would say, he said. One of his most popular lines: 'Because a father only wants what is best for his child'. Blegh... Sitting across from him and looking at him, I realized how sick and lonely a narcissistic mind actually is. He was not at all interested in why I had broken off contact. He was focused on trying to evoke feelings of guilt so he could reinforce his role as a victim.
I feel this. It's been a 1,5 year since i am no contact with my father. He have no clue why, and lately i've got txt msg "when you will come here". When i explained to him before all he did, he said "nah, i was perfect father." 😮
My father sent me an email today to try to find a solution for our situation. A resolution suggests there is a problem between us. So far he and I agree. But based on his past behavior, I draw this conclusion: My father doesn't seem to see himself as part of the problem. This means it is no longer 'our' problem but 'my' problem. I don't see how we can come to a healthy relationship. A short circuit occurs in his brain when I would confront him with this logic. He wants to deny that he is part of the problem. But by explicitly denying it (eg. 'that is not the case'), he actually confirms my conclusion. So for him to acknowledge is to acknowledge, but to deny is also to acknowledge. This logic makes his brain melt which results in saying all sorts of nonsensical things.
You are 100% correct. I tried reconnecting with my mom after going 18 months no contact and all she wants to do is throw fits, get angry and ignore me. She refuses to listen to anything I feel about our family or my life with them. All she can say is well it's too bad you feel that way. My hypothyroidism fired up and I wake up choking on phelgm and have eczema. My mother lives in the same denial today at 75, as she did at 35 swaying in the doorway, slurred speech, insisting that she was sober and had not been drinking while holding a coffee mug full of Paul Masson white wine. If we find ourselves expecting them to have empathy and real it is a sign of their sickness being handed off to us. Denial is their modus operandi. If you find yourself trying to explain the meaning of golden child, black sheep, gas lighting, projection, blame-shifting etc. you will only get looks of utter bafflement and they will lack the ability to even engage with you about this stuff.
That's also the reason that marriage counseling doesn't work with a narcissist spouse. See the evil glint in his eyes? He will listen and later know how to hurt you EVEN MORE than before.
I begin to wonder if the majority of the reason I cared so much to resolve and heal my family of origin by confronting the narc father was because I had not understood the overall cultural indoctrination about the sacrality of the family…you only have one family, blood is thicker than water, the family is the only ones who will care about you in the end and on and on. If we didn’t have all of these fears about losing our ONE family of origin would we put so much emphasis on healing it? We say we want to heal ourselves going through excruciating efforts to somehow find this harmony, love and caring that didn’t exist but that we swallowed should exist. We try to make it right and likely all relationships will follow the same path. Seems we should focus more on this indoctrination we received and unconsciously believed. With that in mind it’s not a leap to understand that It takes conscious action from adults to understand much less put into practice what love means. Love isn’t something random like how my parents, two human strangers, met one day and decided to have kids. Real love doesn’t involve cult allegiance or suffering and sacrifice with a pecking order. Real love, if it’s deep and caring from the heart, it’s intentional. Somewhat freed from the indoctrination of the cukture I was given a lens to view my heroics (to bring us all back together) as an indirect route to dispense with my feelings of guilt and shame I mostly repressed while I struggled to align with general norms /ideas of family in the culture. How many times trying to deal with the truth of my experience I was told I should just accept my parents or forgive etc., even from total strangers echoing the general consensus. This was crushing and brought on feelings of learned helplessness. Naturally I hadn’t gone nearly deeply enough to understand myself. Yes I had/have low self esteem but I also was just solidly avoiding my parents because I was still afraid of them and I didn’t want to deal with generations of ‘United front’ family culture. The power of the group called family and it’s affiliates and the wider cultural indoctrination all collude in such a way as to be daunting to even the most courageous among us. Now, after decades of carrying this burden, I realize I am not avoiding them or myself in stepping back or letting go of family that play these unconscious games required of anyone in a cult/groupthink. My only requirement for friends, relations or strangers today is common adult regard. This becomes the foundation of many meaningful years ahead. I’ve stopped asking why or feeling doomed and wasting precious time. Recognizing and rejoicing in the best in communication and commitment that bears fruit now…that is all I all I can ask for and actually believe is achievable and realistic through continual practice.
So why I would talk to them anymore...really..its pointless...lifes too short to waste my time being strategic and fake, foremost when theres noone else in a family seeing the truth...
It is, I agree, I asked my mother to stop calling me paranoid and sensitive. It all went south after that. Instead of saying ''oh, ok'' she threw herself up on the cross, the victim of my aggression. Then Dad told me off for ''hurting mum'. When I stood firm in my interpretation of events, she labelled me DETACHED from reality, insane, angry, aggressive. My brother basically sides with them. My daughter still goes over to my m&d's house for sunday lunch. I'm isolated and excluded and the cold shoulder just goes on and on. All cos I asked for a small bit of change. I wish I'd just relegated them in my head. Relegated them to small talk actors playing the part of parents lacking self-awareness.
@@SusanaXpeace2u It's a system. A dysfunctional, disordered, family system. Scapegoats are the healthy ones. Do not engage with any of them any longer. Family or not. No explanation needed.
I think everything in this video is true but it drives me crazy that it feels like the only option is to let them get away with everything and that there will never be justice. They made my life unbearable.
Yeah, it is. The best thing is to get away from them and stay away (returning for no reason). I made the mistake of returning before I even realized they are narcissistic and now other support people make it hard to leave as well. They just come up with excuses why I need to stay close which I know is udder nonsense. I don’t need the parents to be successful. What I need is people who believe in me and support me, not the parents. When I get the chance to move out, I’ll focus on gradually going no contact or minimally contact anyway. However, that’s the hardest bit right now.
It is right now. The only revenge you can get is your own success… it’s what they’ve been trying to prevent, and if you make it, it will kill them inside.
When my husband confronted his mother on why She treats him as a lesser kind than her favorite child, her response is: Well, you just weren't here. (My husband served in the military for 15 years with multiple overseas deployment to the desert). My husband said, I had to leave because dad beats me up constantly and you did nothing to prevent that. Her response was, "I was there for you! I was the one who drove you to the hospital when you broke your nose". (My husband got punched on the nose by his dad, my husband didn't broke his own nose on purpose). I can tell you, there is no "getting them to realize" their behavior is wrong. They always have an answer to everything and will never apologize but will always play the victim. Confront them for the purpose of affirming your suspicions that they are a narcissist but expect nothing more.
I confronted my mom 12 years ago about some behaviors. I was met with resistance and conversation end quickly, she pointed to her past how other ppl treated her and not going to have it. At the time i didnt know I was dealing with narcissism. I didnt know about it. Wish i knew it earlier.
They have been turned over to a reprobate mind and the generational curse continues until you come out from among them and be seperate. It's pitiable. Turn them over to God, forgive them, and live your purpose. Thanks Jerry.
So I guess this leaves you two options talking about hummingbirds with your parents who you want love and closeness with, but...OR B) GO NO CONTACT. WAAAAGH!😢
Confronted my borderline mother once. She flipped, projected and called me names. No insight. Her abuse long discarded by her brain. No, they can never get it. My probable narcissistic brother is the same. It's really hard, but they are not worth it.
Tried to confront my father about sexual abuse during a therapy session.I watched him morphing through blaming me claiming It began all charming and chummy and then turned manipulative and dark. He flipped like a rolladex through ideas that might work looking for any weak spot. He decides I had" false memory syndrome". He tried that shit in front of my therapist. Ballsy but shows the length they will go to escape responsibility.He said my name in a manipulative way, I can't describe but I felt instantly 4 years old. I ended the session and the next day was Fathers Day. We bought him balloons and pizza and then went no contact for 40 years. He died in October.
Hi forgive me if this is too personal....but how did you feel when he died? ...I am in a similar situation myself....narc father ...no contact etc. Thankyou.
@@user-tn8fu1gx3v I felt elated when he died. The whole planet and I are safer with him gone. I felt a pang or two of sadness but mostly relived and elated. I kept my children from him, because I KNEW he would harm them. I had a huge case of family " loyality" and no contact wasn't a thing. I just did it.
@@user-tn8fu1gx3v Whatever you feel is okay. You don't have to explain here or to anyone else or account for your feelings. Your feelings are yours alone to share. Stay brave fellow warrior!
Talking to family about trouble within that family is a bad idea in my experience. Setting up for betrayal trauma, confusion, and denial. The worse perpetrators will outright lie and and gaslight everyone. And being they are protected by the mass delusion and family's need to feel normal. The perpetrators will become the victim and we're made crazy because we opened a book on psychology or saw a therapist for damages caused. Thanks for mentioning the retaliation. I have an extremely immature and disordered uncle who everyone felt the need to protect and his son, who leaned on me for decades, then turned on me just so he didn't have to admit the family has done a wrong. This uncle went to my neighbors and extended family on a smear campaign. Also boundaries turns into a power dynamic play filled with traumatic aggression and nervous system octane.
Every time I confront them I’m either “crazy “ or “unhinged. Then what’s even worse is the silent treatment and discarding me because I confronted them. I’m always the bad guy every time I confront them and they love to shame me.
When confronted with that very accurate list one would conclude that you can't talk to them about anything ever. It's such a bitter pill to swallow that it's futile to interact with them at all. I've started talking to my parents like Henry Kissinger - droning, monotone voice and completely flat emotional affect. It feels inhuman to do so, but it beats the alternative of feeling pain and frustration.
In comparison, being superficial in your conversations with them is THE way to go! Whenever I started to forgive and forget and to open up to them more, it backfired extremely! I regretted it. 😐 Means they stabbed me with their manipulative ways in the back to reach my heart.
I spent 10 of the best years of my life from 18 to 28 trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It turns out the only thing wrong with me was I had 2 narc parents who made me think I was the issue. Sucks that I lost my 20s drinking and depressed doing drugs getting with trashy women because my parents put all their issues on to their own child. Me. At least I know better now and am doing my best to finally take care of myself and have hope for a better life.
Any time I brought up past things, they tell me that didnt happen, I am too sensitive. They minimise what I went through and flipped the script and lie so much. The hard part for is is knkwing they lie to family members I want a solid relationship with but now they think the same things.
My dad’s favourite deflection/excuse when the conversations gets anywhere near the topic of his parenting tactics is “well my parents were European immigrants, they didn’t know how things were here, etc…” Now I understand that something happened to him or he was treated this way too maybe, but it’s a total lack of inward thinking or accepting any fault for his own actions.
Excuses Excuses are what negate you and are just another weapon in their armoury. You will never get what you want, in terms of the abusers accepting that you are damaged because of them
They just retaliate. And if they can't get you to react they want, they'll twist the story to others, so you're the bad guy again. Then others say you were just causing trouble.
Ive tried keeping conversation vague and not expext much from my mom but she asks so many questions and then twists what i said. She has lied so much to my dad and he totslly believes her. She is a compulsive liar and Im starting to think my dad is like her because aive tried telling him what she has done. He doesnt believe me or he know and doesnt want to disturb her.
Great, so the consequences didn’t matter because I ended up basically having to hit rock bottom for them to even see their shit…and still they thought it was my fault. Fucking hell
Same here. I've struggled all my life, hit rock bottom twice. This time I couldn't get up again and it's how I saw it. Most painful thing I've ever been through.
Can confirm. I Tried to directly adress my grievances about the abuse i suffered as a child, with both Narrc parents. In a calm mature way with resolution as the goal. The escalated, blamed me, resorted to insults, yelled "what about meeee!!" And basically made everything worse. Havent talked to them since They are wholly incapable of being exposed that they can make mistakes, and go in the attack
I try not to watch to much about NPD as I've seen lot's videos and trying to heal the relentless abuse... this title caught my eye because I did just that... Jerry you have helped me so much but I didn't get the memo in time about not confronting them... I had no idea. To help matters out my dad was a multi millionaire... after he died and then step mom my dad trust stated all 5 sisters were to have equal shares.... my only full sister was trustee... sis teamed up with mom and hired hit man that turned out not to be... they manipulated everyone on both side's of family to turn against me... Only thing I can say is don't ever call them out on their behavior it'll literally get you killed ... they live in another world and don't think their touchable by law ... .and if confronted they'll bribe them with money. Family is obsessed with money... I just want to live through it.
I was in line for an inheritance which would set me up for life if what I was told by my Narcissistic mother, if I out lived her. I was the only remaining blood related member of the family with any contact, I was micro managed and manipulated until I had has enough and walked away. I have never been so sane and stress free in my life ever. I was a nervous wreck, and confused about so many issues in my life, wondering why I failed to reach my potential. Now I wouldn't change anything for any price, to walk away with money instead of happiness ain't worth it. I live alone but not alone in the sense that I rescued a stray cat who after a long time to gain her trust, is the most loving relationship that I have ever had. I struggled to have any meaningful successful loving partnerships because my confidence was constructively undermined by my jealous ex mother. I look forward to hearing that she has passed on one day and if she leaves the family legacy to her church or cat charity, I will be too happy knowing that her evil twisted ways are no longer to bother about not receiving anything from her. She never loved her family so I kind of expect her to spite her blood relatives, she has no remorse.
What to do in this situation: when I'm happy the narcissist's behaviour is exhausting and the minute I finally snap or get depressed, she is like another person. Now she's cheerful, joking, talkative, easy. It would be comical if it wasn't so scary. I believe this behaviour is slowly wrecking me however hard I try not to be affected by it.
There’s a reason it’s called “crazy making” behavior. And it can make is physically ill to stay on this emotional roller coaster. It your parent is only happy when you are miserable, that’s not healthy for you. It’s ok to take a step back and lower contact to get perspective. You are not alone. Please take care of yourself.
When they (my brothers, I have no sisters) get argumentative (over the phone), after about 5 minutes of conversation, I wouldI say, "I'm sorry, someone's knocking on my door, I'll call you back later." Of course, I don't call back. I refuse to let them ruin my day.
So so true! As a child I was encouraged by an aunt to try to talk to my mother about feeling like she was showing favoritism towards my brother- the golden child. I was met with dismissal and invalidation. She constantly invalidated me when she would hurt me and when I tried to explain what validation of feelings meant, she acted so clueless and defensive. She always made my pain seem like I was always overreacting and things were never her fault but mine. I stopped trying to explain anything or sharing feelings and realized she wasn’t able to handle ANYTHING related to emotions. I’ve just had to back off and treat her like a venomous critter. Can’t get too close of she bites! I love her but she treats me like I’m that corn on the outside of her smallest toe. You have to love and nurture yourself and realize you will never get 1: Any validation of your feelings of any sort, of their role in how their actions impacted you. 2: An apology for how they treat you from cradle to the end. 3: Any genuine love, kindness or approval- you can’t try to earn this, it’s not in their ability to do so. Best thing to do is get away, or spend as little time as possible with them. Learn to love and validate yourself. Learn to accept them as they are and don’t expect them to change.
Thank you for that. I recently experienced that first hand, when I tried to confront my mother with the fact that she pushed me towards my sexually abusive dad and is rejecting emotional intimacy and equality. The response I got from her was gaslighting, deflecting, editing, and blaming me for not feeling my feelings about having been molested, all so she doesn't have to take any responsibility. My email was a pursuit, I realized that afterwards. And I chose to say as a response "Maybe you are right, and I shouldn't have send you this email", in order to avoid getting sucked into endless self-harming dialog with her. I told her that I do not want any contact but she didn't adhere to that either. I am going to check out your program.
I am a... uh, retired golden child of a narcisasistic mother. She puts roles on everyone to the benefit of herself With everything. She assigned my older brother to be the "stressed out, but responsible one, like dad." And I was the "Voice that makes everything better. The perfect kid (I'm 37) that only understands me and my stances!" Eventually, she recycled her old criminal habits to enslave my brother into buying her cigarettes even when he couldn't afford them. He finally set his boundaries and it took hid girlfriend and himself to explain what was going on, and matched my worst "I'm disappointed in Mom" memories I had, It all checks out. I am on the brighter side, which means she can string together things I need if I ask. But all in all, he was her workhorse that appeared to be the narcissist at first glance, and I was this innocent so-no-wrong always-correct person. Even when my brother felt especially passionate about something. I have a lot of regrets and self parenting to do. On TOP of unlearning the fear earlier caretakers taught me. (It's a LONG story. Dad was aggressive and shadowy at the world and took it out on me. My temporary foster mother took me as a teen and was a highly aggrssive, highly religious person. They both influenced me as I grew up. Mom posed as "the rescue" from such chaos.)
Against my better judgement, I attempted to confront my mother today. I'm sure we can all guess how that went...... This video is brilliant and spot on. Lesson learned (I hope).
I have all the time felt frustrated that my parents as well as siblings never recognized the fact that their being too much quite with, and having nothing important to say to, me is as much it is a cover of their narcissism to them as it is an hurtful indication of their normless and abnormal secretive behaviour to me. However the worst and damaging of all is the fact that their narcissism is baseless and pointless. Thank you.
Wow. When I began my awareness 14 years ago. I did not know ALL of "don't do's"!!!!! I tried all of these. 😅😂😂 Damn and NOW I see why it didn't work. They are just as delusional and in denial today as they were 14 years ago. I've been no contact with my dad for 7 years and I'm working on going no contact with my mom and her family. I have to work on healing myself and getting back to my independent living. I'm sad about disconnecting from my entire family except my beautiful daughter!!! This hurts BUT ive got no choice there is no value in remaining in contact after what I've realized and been through for the past 20 years of waking up!!! After what my daughter's been through and seen!!! 😠 Because I'm focusing on how to adequately "adult" the only thing they kept me enmeshed with is $$$$. They both did that deliberately. Once I get that under control I'm good. I'll heal. We'll heal and live honestly, 🙏🏽, and seek peace. We have to ✋️ confronting and start healing. ❤ I pray we make it to the side, a better life.
I'm not sure what possible relationship there is for me to choose to have with my narcissistic parents. It's essentially choosing a form of self-flagellation. What's the point?
I did confront, Jerry's right. The enabler who has a brilliant technical mind, better than mine suddenly couldn't remember. The narc hid in another room and let the enabler take the s**t as usual for their vile behaviour. Problem was I was bigger and faster than enabler by then so I couldn't be beaten into submission. How inconsiderate of me! The other problem was I was skirting around the edges of what happened because my memory gaps hadn't returned by then, it gives them a way out of the situation. Don't bother, they will just omit or lie anyway. Work on yourself, is an adult that will plot and scheme against a young child with the same viciousness that they would against another adult worthy of one more second of your life?
I literally did it last night. And the response I got back was a made-up excuse for literally everything that I said. And about 25% of those made up excuses contradicted one another
Thank you for this video. It came back up on my feed at just the right time. It will probably save me a concussion from banging my head against the wall asking dysfunctional toxic people to act like functional healthy adults when they haven't in the 41 year's I've been affiliated with my family... I love how one favor done three months ago is used as equal leverage against someone doing something for a lazy/toxic person 2-3 times a day for 6+ years in the mind of a parent with this disorder... It's really eye-opening and heartbreaking in equal measures...
I wish that I had known about this so many decades ago that my mother was and still is a narcissist. I finally figured this out when I was 59 years old. Things started to finally click in my mind that my mother has always been in competition with my two older sisters and with me all that she has ever wanted me to be is an ignorant little boy that she can easily control and manipulate. She likes to say that she "loves me with all of her heart", but that is the furthest thing from the truth. The only reason that she ever does anything for any of her children is so that we will praise her for what she has done. The things that she has done lately I refuse to even acknowledge what she has done. From now on I will only be calling her on her birthday and Christmas. I do not plan on ever visiting her anymore. I sent her a letter to tell her how she treated me as a child and as an adult before I realized that she is a narcissist. Now I see that her response to my letter by blowing it out all out of proportion and even lying about and making things up in the letter I sent her was to be expected. I am sure that she was drunk when she read the letter even though she will not even admit to being an alcoholic. I feel now that I can not really hate her, but I can not really love her either, since she has a mental illness that she will never be able to understand or admit to. My life would have been so much better if I realized what she was / is decades ago.
I naively confronted my narcissistic father about ongoing toxic narcissistic behaviour by him and my mother when I was in my early 20's . I was hoping to improve the family dynamic , The blowback onto me cemented the need to close the door on having contact with them - the only positive outcome .
Everything you say and do, no matter how positive and loving, will be misconstrued and used against you. Forty-six years slamming against this wall, finally concluding Mom was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy" as I had never heard of narcissism. Mom was Jezebel, Athaliah, and Miriam's dark side the whole time. Stop wasting your time, your effort, your love: walk away.
My dads narc so scared off his long lost first son and family that they won't even talk to me! Even though I've talked to them about it. So dad pushed away his own found grandchildren. And I miss chance to have a brother and nieces/nephews. It was horrible to watch and made me sick.
Wise advice. It will never, ever end well. They will weasel, gaslight, yell, cry, change the subject, shrug it off...anything but what you need to hear. They can't function beyond a surface level. Small talk only.
You're so good at describing these things, Jerry! I especially like your point about how persuing them keeps us in the toxic system and enmeshed with them. It's only a tug of war if we tug back. We can choose to not pick up the rope. Allow them to be themselves very far away from us.
Any form of communication is confronting them.. Anytime I questioned anything.. Anytime I wanted specifics.. I do like how you said that confronting them is pursuit.. That is the same thing as chasing in the run and chase dynamic.. I would say letting go is the opposite of that..
My mother enjoyed what she did and liked her results...til I went no contact. Now I like my results. No more pointless conversations aabout how awful I am!
It’s truly very disheartening and sad when you’re dealing with parents like this, can never reflect on own self or take any personal responsibility for own self but continually find everything wrong with everyone else. Walking away is too easy but honestly, if you can find a way to work on your own self and not to feed on their ways that would be the bestway to deal with such characters
You can not confront a narcissist about anything unless they are in the process of and have the desire to heal. My mother is 82 and has no desire to acknowledge who and what she is, so I have silently backed away for good. No need to confront, as she'll just play victim.
😂 I can remember making all of these mistakes, at the advisement of the cbt therapist I was seeing at the time. The heart break I had at failing to communicate with these deaf people I called my family and my therapist telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough, I wasn’t taking accountability for my failure to speak clearly. Here I am, 20 years later after separating myself from my family and firing that therapist trying like hell to live my best life with my son and wife. My life ain’t puppy and rainbows by any means, but it’s damn sure better than the s@#+ show it was for the first 20 plus years.
#9 is tough. Not sharing a past and having it mirrored back to you… leaves me dissociative. There is an invisibility. Once an adult I found long lost photos and connected to adjacent, non biased adults as credible narrators of the past. NC, one aspect, was because we shared no common past. It is crazymaking… it feels like being adrift. The lack of belonging and no safe harbor makes ripples through our life… forward.
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Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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I confronted my father and mother and it amounts to no good to say the least.
Outstanding video Mr. Wise.
You definily bring honor to your name❤
Thank you.
This was very helpful to get insight into my own behaviour and this new insight will help me become even more strong, grounded and empowered🎉
Basically you can't talk about anything important with a narcissist!
My mother never wanted to hear about any problems I might have had.I have never got any support from her which now at the age of 40 affects me deeply
Xoxo you're not alone. It's unfortunate that we aren't and at the same time (sadly and regretfully) helpful in a sad, sad way.
I know that I've picked up a lot of those ways of being and have been working on that more than figuring out how we can be close. I don't want my kids ending up where I am at nearly 50.
It's better not to talk to them at all if it possible
@@Silver-_-Crow 2 years of no contact followed by 16 years of minimal contact ( random text messaging a couple times a year) no face to face interaction for almost 2 decades with my mother and still a lot of inner work to do on my own.The pain never really went away.
You just learn how to live with it
So true!
When it comes to toxic, dysfunctional and narcissist parents and families, you are the correct package at the wrong address. Time to move on.
Profound, sad, true.
Yes. 100% No Contact.
They will try to contact you. Phone # blocked. They will want to give gifts to you: no thanks. They will send msgs through others to you, etc. Always remain vigilent - your Healthy Inner Peace is worth it!!
I love this saying, thank you
@@petercomrie1924 I can't take credit for it. It is perfect though....
⚠️❤️Children are going to disappear around the world, then His adult TRUE believers. It is JESUS coming back to pick up His people! Make Him your Saviour! Do not stay for apocalypse!❤️🥹
Jesus promised 2 000y ago that He will come back for everybody who accepted His payment ( His death for our sins)❤️ He is about to remove His believers from this earth sobthey won’t stay for the Judgement.
He loves you like crazy! He doesn't want you to stay for that! God's Grace is about to run out.❤️🥹 What saves us is trust in what Jesus did on the cross: He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later! He made it very simple, He has done it all for us so don't add anything to it, just believe and trust Him! 🙌❤️
Right before He comes to pick up His believers we will witness Russia attacking Germany. Missiles hitting USA , Fall of Freemason's Temple in Philadelphia, Alaska earthquakes back to back of magnitude 7.6 and 7.3. We will also see return of Yassir Arafat. This is all been revealed by Jesus's prophets right now.
You may as well not say anything. They don't care.
There are actually three things certain in life: death, taxes, and narcissists not caring about how much they hurt people.
Thank you, Jerry! Internet fist bumps to all you survivors today. We're going to be okay.
They wont listen they wont go for threapy. They live in their bubble island just them.
yeah it’s the hope they will care see and finally be what we need that keeps us trying and hooked. but god we want them to so bad.
they will care if you don't help them get what they way
Boundaries tell you what to do when they behave badly. Boundaries are for keeping you safe, not them.
A major growth moment when you realize this.
@@lilianfowler7988 you just put into words exactly what I am now enjoying, Growth.
It's as though I am no longer chained up or locked in a cage
If you think you feel unseen now...just wait til you confront the narc parent(s). The nothingness to follow is diabolical.
Diabolical is correct! I finally expressed my desire to work on the dysfunction in the family (with my narc mum at the helm) at the ripe age of 36 and I got radio silence back. More fool me for thinking she thought there was something wrong that needed to be worked on 🥴🤦🏾♀️
So true. I've grown to despise them. It came about through my own chronic illnesses. How they've reacted and dealt with things has been diabolical. I can't unseen that. Their pretense at being good people is over for me.
This is so true. There is nothing humane in them except the worst.
Yes I found out this too. The hard way. Too bad I’m the only child left. I think they didn’t totally shun me because of that fact; they *may* need me as they get old, or something like that in their decision to not totally discard me after I confronted them. I no longer confront them but instead am planning and carrying out my escape.
@@bereal6590OMG I’m in this situation too. In my 50s and healing from a serious illness. Had to lean on their money and housing (of which they are in the upper class and share only tiny excrements of it). Withstanding continual criticism and disdain from them, even outright verbal insult to my being sick, yelling at me and throwing things around as they throw childish tantrums even in their 80s now! I’ve had to continue working a few hours a week just to afford my treatments.
How they treated me during this illness, “I’ll never forget how you treated me during my illness”….I too cannot un-see it. The truth in my face.
A meaningful conversation will NEVER happen!
And i want to break the cycle
They have no empathy for your emotions, they only want you to validate theirs. Anytime I would say to my mom “I’m so tired” she’d say “you’re always tired”… not seeing that my soul was tired and I was drained and basically begging for her to care as a mother should. My issues were always ignored. No motherly instincts what so ever…..
Same response from my mom as well.
@@deemaysie6568 Mine too. I made the mistake of asking for help with my homework once and was met with a rage that scared me enough to know to never ask again. I even went on the game rather than ask for her support when she upped and left for the states when I was 21 and living in England and had nowhere to go. I would rather die than ever ask for her help because I know I would only get ridicule, rage and humiliation and repeatedly told that I'm stupid 'just like your father!' and always such a slow child.
Me too. My mother just couldn't give love. It wasn't inside of her. It took me years to come to grips with that reality. Some people are just cold and dead inside. Must be a terrible way to live.
@donnakelley1202 - That these people just don't have it inside them is the crux of the matter. The world is overflowing with people who "don't have it inside"!
For me, confronting them was a step toward healing. Once I told them how their treatment affected me and hurt me and they showed zero empathy let alone remorse, I was able to start grieving and eventually accepting that it was never going to be different. Up until then I was thinking that maybe they just weren’t aware of how they hurt me. I couldn’t use that to explain away their behavior anymore. They really don’t love me. It was a horrible bitter pill but I’m feeling more and more peace as time goes on.
I finally knew my mom would never care aboit me like she does my younger sister after YEARS and YEARS of helping my mom with a million things from taking her to a million dr appointments, taking weektnds to stay with her while she was sick incase she needed help and I cooked , cleaned for her got her meds etc , paid her rent when she was about to be kicked out , took her to the ER when she needed to go , helped her look for apartments when she needed to move then I woke up early and drove to her place so she wouldn’t be alone with the movers , the list goes on for the millions of things I helped her with. Well one day after driving her to Best Buy so she could purchase a tv , I helped her carry it up a ton of stairs , hooked all her cable etc up that she needed then ran out to get her food and somehow she got on the topic of when she passed away she is giving everything to my younger sis bc she is the one that does everything for her. It felt like the biggest slap in the face ever to have 0 acknowledgment of the 5 million things I would do for her ( and she isn’t disabled , she is perfectly able to drive and be independent but she chooses not to bc she likes everyone to do everything for her ). I don’t want her money or anything from her. All I ever wanted was a thank you for doing so much stuff for her etc. but after she said that ( which was extremly hurtful ) I told her I better go bc I had a ton of things to to tomorrow and I left. But rgat was the very moment I finally accepted no matter how much I do for her I will never be anything compared to my sister. I think I would do all rgat for my mom for a couple of reasons. I felt terrible for her that she was alone bc my dad passed away and my one sis never visits or calls her etc . I wanted to show her I could be a good daughter ( prob bc she was always mean to me and told me I was a terrible child ) so maybe in some way I was trying to show her I was a good child and I think I just wanted to believe she cared about me as much as my sister. But she doesn’t. I just stopped helping to do anything for her now. I do work out of town a lot now and I think it def is better for me mentally.
I feel exactly the same way.Calling them out was my way out of all this.Hard to gaslight myself anymore.
weirdly it took some random intuitive person i went to telling me your father will always disappoint you that helped me wake up and realize that was true and there wasn’t a point. it was just hurting myself to be around him so why try? why try to get him and others to see his horrible treatment of me when I KNOW ITS TRUE. it hurts to have reality denied and lied about and ignored to everyone else, the need to have others see them for what they are and know what they did instead of their lies is so destructive. but why try what is there to gain? those people can’t see it for themselves it’s not worth my time and effort to make them see when i know the truth. i wish they would so i could have some connection to people that see the truth and understand what happened instead of being isolated and scapegoated, but i can’t take that on.
@@ccalexander1924
maybe she knew she was getting you to do those things for her because you were trying to earn her approval and love and she felt she had to keep withholding it to get what she needed from you.
Yes. Calling it out and seeing their response confirmed who they are. Then I could decide to get them out of my system.
And even IF they "hear" you, they think it simply doesn't matter. And it does not, to them. No matter what you think or why.
EXACTLY!!!
" It's not my problem" is what they usually tell you.
When i was younger, i tried confronting my narc stepmom about an episode of abuse in my childhood, and she just scoffed "oh, that never happened, you're imagining it." 😮
Typical Denialism. They really don't want to face the fact of their own wickedness. Because they HATE the truth
they've been given over to a strong delusion and worship a vain idol of a perfect False Self in desperate hopes of making it real. ANYONE going against that delusion is the Devil to them.
Sounds familiar to me
Same here
My favourite " you remember that wrong"
Basically, shame on you for remembering what we did wrong to you. 🙄
A few times over the years I made the mistake of confronting my narcissistic so-called mother about how she treated us as children. At the time, I knew nothing about narcissism and thought that in retrospect she must regret her behaviour. Her denial and distortion of facts felt like a slap in the face.
I once confronted my mother about her verbal, physical, and emotional abuse towards me. Her response, "don't you believe you were a difficult child?"
That was one of the most cunning (yet confusing) things she's ever said to me.
@@joyslove3858 Saying something like that to your own child is really cruel. As if it was your own fault - which it wasn't. And even if you WOULD have been a difficult child, that would NEVER justify abuse in any form. Are you still in contact? I haven't for almost five years. A difficult decision, but the best and perhaps most important one.
@@joyslove3858My "mother" said pretty much the same. Non-contact for over 20 years, but I had the misfortune of her pop up recently and there are no words for the level of manipulation and evil she caused when she did.
It seems to me that when I have confronted, (unsuccessfully), my parents, what I didn’t realize is that I was actually trying to confront the family system. Essentially all the flying monkeys flew in front of them and instead of having an adult conversation between me and my parents, became a shaming confrontation between me and my siblings. They were acting as they were self righteously attacked personally. It just shows how people do not like their reality to be shaken. They want to believe what they want to believe. And I am hateful for saying otherwise. I am the right package at the wrong address. No contact was all that was left to do.
I relate to this so much❤
My siblings and I are going through this, triggered by my narc mom. I am so done with all of them.
The Right package at the wrong address... spot on, Love that ❤
If it's any consolation: been there, done that, got the "never gonna do that ever again" T-shirt.
Plus call you crazy for daring to confront.. Not worth the stress
All you can do is walk away, and not pursue revenge as it's pointless.
Absolutely. No contact at age 55 is the only thing that has worked for me. Only regret is I did not do it years ago.
@@user-kl3hi5ov1cI have the same regrets. Granted I was done with mine at 29. I wish I'd have done it at 18.
@user-kl3hi5ov1c
I'm around the same age and have done the same thing recently! It's never too late to take your life back.
I just wish I didn't have to lie to people I pretend they're dead and that they were great parents so I can have a job but I think I convinced myself they were and I mistakenly went back 20 years later
I've been trying to have rational conversations with my parents for years. I get told to BE QUIET. SHUT UP. THERE'S THE DOOR. On and on. So I've stopped trying. It's actually a relief...
Glad you finally saw the light.
I read a book a few years ago, toxic parents overcoming their hurtful legacy,. This book was very eye opening about how toxic family unknowingly can ruin your life. At the end of the book it talks about confrontation for your own healing; that is a big no no for a narc parent, they will lie on you, make you the abusor and never take responsibility, and they will hold this over your head for ever. they are not normal so dont hold them to normal standards. to grey rock and safe guard your personal life.
Thanks you are so correct!!!
You are correct, they ARE NOT NORMAL.
Thanks for the info, I put a hold on that book at the closest public library.
I agree sooo much. People who have all kinds of "Pollyana" suggestions about what to say to a narcissistic parent to "heal" the relationship are in complete ignorance of the meaning of "narcissism".
Think of this advice whenever you consider reestablishing a no contact situation. I usually do and it helps me realise its not worth it.
What’s not worth it? No contact? Or re-opening the lines of communication?
They meant think of the advice in this video before re establishing a relationship with someone you have gone no contact with.
I was conditioned to be my Dad's confidant and just sit and listen for hours while he droned on about his finances, love life, and how "good" he was. It learned early on that he has ZERO interrst in what I have to say so there is nothing to talk about.
Confronting them will not work because a narcissist can do no wrong. We must accept this reality. Here is a question: Is it the adult you who wants to confront them or the child you?
If it's the adult you, does he/she truly need their parents to be happy, okay, and safe?
If it's the child you, you are better off nurturing your inner child and slowly help them to understand that their parents will not be able to provide them what they need but you are capable of doing so.
Secondly, remember that narcissistic parents will always see you as a child, so even if it's the adult you, in their eyes you are and will always be a child, and an unhealthy parent will not tolerate being confronted by their child.
Try to direct that energy towards nurturing yourself rather than trying to repair what is beyond your ability to repair.
Hope this helps and stay faithful to you💪
@@jeffreyjackson5229 Excellent point and very wise. Is this what my child wants or my adult self. Thanks.
Excellent information. Thank you for this. I will make adjustments to my behaviors.
not only they will project that you are the trouble maker for calling them out
I wish someone had told me it's a terrible idea to tell someone my parent was narcissistic.
@@Jane-Doe.1126 Speak the truth. I told them and do not care. They refuse to take accountability. Proof is in the pudding.
No contact, no explanation
what happened?
@@Jane-Doe.1126 so what if you did. Go no contact and move on to your own life of love and self respect. Family or not, it's toxic and abusive. Choose better. Start now
All my life, I wondered "Why me?" How come I was the one chosen to be the scapegoat? It wasn't until recently that I understood why. I am the strongest and most resilient. I am not unbreakable. My family has tried to shatter my psyche in so many ways. I have suffered their torment. I have been burdened with their hatred. When I was devastated and desperately needed support, I was abandoned. I am still here. No one else in my family is capable of withstanding all that I have. I understand now that despite two decades of estrangement I am still a vital part of their well being and still the one who carries the weight of their ignorance, hatred, and fear. Without me, they would have to face responsibility for all their bullshit. Even outcast from the fold, I am still vital to their survival. None of this makes me feel any better. I will never be rid of all they have put up on me. At least now I have an answer.
So true!
You are 100% right! They use this to become the victims and you end up feeling worse than ever. One good thing that DID come out of it is by experienceing the insane backlash I decided there was absolutely nothing else I could try. It made the dysfunction that much more clear.
They never change!! They only person that can change is yourself...so i decided to change!
Create boundaries, and stop allowing toxic negative energy in your life, its not worth it.
Put yourself first and move on.
These people arent capable of change.
After breaking off contact with my father (covert narcissist), I met him this afternoon after 6 months. I had prepared in advance for our meeting by writing down what he might say. Almost everything I predicted he would say, he said. One of his most popular lines: 'Because a father only wants what is best for his child'. Blegh...
Sitting across from him and looking at him, I realized how sick and lonely a narcissistic mind actually is. He was not at all interested in why I had broken off contact. He was focused on trying to evoke feelings of guilt so he could reinforce his role as a victim.
I can pass on my ex mother's details to you, they should hook up, sounds like they have a lot in common
I feel this. It's been a 1,5 year since i am no contact with my father. He have no clue why, and lately i've got txt msg "when you will come here". When i explained to him before all he did, he said "nah, i was perfect father." 😮
My father sent me an email today to try to find a solution for our situation.
A resolution suggests there is a problem between us. So far he and I agree. But based on his past behavior, I draw this conclusion: My father doesn't seem to see himself as part of the problem. This means it is no longer 'our' problem but 'my' problem. I don't see how we can come to a healthy relationship.
A short circuit occurs in his brain when I would confront him with this logic. He wants to deny that he is part of the problem. But by explicitly denying it (eg. 'that is not the case'), he actually confirms my conclusion. So for him to acknowledge is to acknowledge, but to deny is also to acknowledge.
This logic makes his brain melt which results in saying all sorts of nonsensical things.
They already know... but will have fun denying everything until their death!
You are 100% correct. I tried reconnecting with my mom after going 18 months no contact and all she wants to do is throw fits, get angry and ignore me. She refuses to listen to anything I feel about our family or my life with them. All she can say is well it's too bad you feel that way. My hypothyroidism fired up and I wake up choking on phelgm and have eczema. My mother lives in the same denial today at 75, as she did at 35 swaying in the doorway, slurred speech, insisting that she was sober and had not been drinking while holding a coffee mug full of Paul Masson white wine. If we find ourselves expecting them to have empathy and real it is a sign of their sickness being handed off to us. Denial is their modus operandi. If you find yourself trying to explain the meaning of golden child, black sheep, gas lighting, projection, blame-shifting etc. you will only get looks of utter bafflement and they will lack the ability to even engage with you about this stuff.
Well said 🎉
That's also the reason that marriage counseling doesn't work with a narcissist spouse. See the evil glint in his eyes? He will listen and later know how to hurt you EVEN MORE than before.
I begin to wonder if the majority of the reason I cared so much to resolve and heal my family of origin by confronting the narc father was because I had not understood the overall cultural indoctrination about the sacrality of the family…you only have one family, blood is thicker than water, the family is the only ones who will care about you in the end and on and on. If we didn’t have all of these fears about losing our ONE family of origin would we put so much emphasis on healing it? We say we want to heal ourselves going through excruciating efforts to somehow find this harmony, love and caring that didn’t exist but that we swallowed should exist. We try to make it right and likely all relationships will follow the same path. Seems we should focus more on this indoctrination we received and unconsciously believed. With that in mind it’s not a leap to understand that It takes conscious action from adults to understand much less put into practice what love means. Love isn’t something random like how my parents, two human strangers, met one day and decided to have kids. Real love doesn’t involve cult allegiance or suffering and sacrifice with a pecking order. Real love, if it’s deep and caring from the heart, it’s intentional. Somewhat freed from the indoctrination of the cukture I was given a lens to view my heroics (to bring us all back together) as an indirect route to dispense with my feelings of guilt and shame I mostly repressed while I struggled to align with general norms /ideas of family in the culture. How many times trying to deal with the truth of my experience I was told I should just accept my parents or forgive etc., even from total strangers echoing the general consensus. This was crushing and brought on feelings of learned helplessness. Naturally I hadn’t gone nearly deeply enough to understand myself. Yes I had/have low self esteem but I also was just solidly avoiding my parents because I was still afraid of them and I didn’t want to deal with generations of ‘United front’ family culture. The power of the group called family and it’s affiliates and the wider cultural indoctrination all collude in such a way as to be daunting to even the most courageous among us. Now, after decades of carrying this burden, I realize I am not avoiding them or myself in stepping back or letting go of family that play these unconscious games required of anyone in a cult/groupthink. My only requirement for friends, relations or strangers today is common adult regard. This becomes the foundation of many meaningful years ahead. I’ve stopped asking why or feeling doomed and wasting precious time. Recognizing and rejoicing in the best in communication and commitment that bears fruit now…that is all I all I can ask for and actually believe is achievable and realistic through continual practice.
So why I would talk to them anymore...really..its pointless...lifes too short to waste my time being strategic and fake, foremost when theres noone else in a family seeing the truth...
It is, I agree, I asked my mother to stop calling me paranoid and sensitive. It all went south after that. Instead of saying ''oh, ok'' she threw herself up on the cross, the victim of my aggression. Then Dad told me off for ''hurting mum'. When I stood firm in my interpretation of events, she labelled me DETACHED from reality, insane, angry, aggressive. My brother basically sides with them. My daughter still goes over to my m&d's house for sunday lunch. I'm isolated and excluded and the cold shoulder just goes on and on. All cos I asked for a small bit of change. I wish I'd just relegated them in my head. Relegated them to small talk actors playing the part of parents lacking self-awareness.
they are never at fault, they will never acknowledge the damage they do
I really like how you expressed that in your last sentence. So perfectly said.
@@SusanaXpeace2u It's a system. A dysfunctional, disordered, family system. Scapegoats are the healthy ones. Do not engage with any of them any longer. Family or not.
No explanation needed.
Reactive abuse is real. Master your breath...
Sounds like you asked for respect not change. Another thing they can’t give….respect.
They will use it against you later, and any hoping for them to "see the light" is 100% fruitless- don't do it
With my narc mom, I end up facing her passive agg wrath if I confront her. I’ve given up.
I think everything in this video is true but it drives me crazy that it feels like the only option is to let them get away with everything and that there will never be justice. They made my life unbearable.
Yeah, it is. The best thing is to get away from them and stay away (returning for no reason). I made the mistake of returning before I even realized they are narcissistic and now other support people make it hard to leave as well. They just come up with excuses why I need to stay close which I know is udder nonsense. I don’t need the parents to be successful. What I need is people who believe in me and support me, not the parents. When I get the chance to move out, I’ll focus on gradually going no contact or minimally contact anyway. However, that’s the hardest bit right now.
Only God can judge them, and if God is fair, then no place in paradise for them
It is right now. The only revenge you can get is your own success… it’s what they’ve been trying to prevent, and if you make it, it will kill them inside.
@@bevhills4877 You are giving EXCELLENT ADVICE. It is up to them to take it.
U going no contact and moving away from them is the best revenge.
When my husband confronted his mother on why She treats him as a lesser kind than her favorite child, her response is: Well, you just weren't here. (My husband served in the military for 15 years with multiple overseas deployment to the desert). My husband said, I had to leave because dad beats me up constantly and you did nothing to prevent that. Her response was, "I was there for you! I was the one who drove you to the hospital when you broke your nose". (My husband got punched on the nose by his dad, my husband didn't broke his own nose on purpose).
I can tell you, there is no "getting them to realize" their behavior is wrong. They always have an answer to everything and will never apologize but will always play the victim. Confront them for the purpose of affirming your suspicions that they are a narcissist but expect nothing more.
Truth. They won't see it, how things really were.
I confronted my mom 12 years ago about some behaviors. I was met with resistance and conversation end quickly, she pointed to her past how other ppl treated her and not going to have it.
At the time i didnt know I was dealing with narcissism. I didnt know about it. Wish i knew it earlier.
Sigh, learned this the hard way... several times.
Same, i tried and right after i regreted, evety time.
So, no confronting bcs there is no one who will understand your side of story, only theirs.
My dad used to laugh, get aggressive or tell me to F off, no contact is the only way.
They have been turned over to a reprobate mind and the generational curse continues until you come out from among them and be seperate. It's pitiable. Turn them over to God, forgive them, and live your purpose.
Thanks Jerry.
So I guess this leaves you two options talking about hummingbirds with your parents who you want love and closeness with, but...OR B) GO NO CONTACT. WAAAAGH!😢
you would think that if you confront them, they take more care and stop their behavior..this is before i worked out that they had no love for me..none
Confronted my borderline mother once. She flipped, projected and called me names. No insight. Her abuse long discarded by her brain. No, they can never get it. My probable narcissistic brother is the same. It's really hard, but they are not worth it.
Tried to confront my father about sexual abuse during a therapy session.I watched him morphing through blaming me claiming It began all charming and chummy and then turned manipulative and dark. He flipped like a rolladex through ideas that might work looking for any weak spot. He decides I had" false memory syndrome". He tried that shit in front of my therapist. Ballsy but shows the length they will go to
escape responsibility.He said my name in a manipulative way, I can't describe but I felt instantly 4 years old. I ended the session and the next day was Fathers Day. We bought him balloons and pizza and then went no contact for 40 years. He died in October.
Hi forgive me if this is too personal....but how did you feel when he died? ...I am in a similar situation myself....narc father ...no contact etc. Thankyou.
@@user-tn8fu1gx3v I felt elated when he died. The whole planet and I are safer with him gone. I felt a pang or two of sadness but mostly relived and elated. I kept my children from him,
because I KNEW he would harm them. I had a huge case of family " loyality" and no contact wasn't a thing. I just did it.
@@user-tn8fu1gx3v Whatever you feel is okay. You don't have to explain here or to anyone else or account for your feelings. Your feelings are yours alone to share. Stay brave fellow warrior!
@@user-tn8fu1gx3vnot me who commented that but my dad just died- I feel peace. My
Abuser is dead
@katethegreat7333 Thankyou....I think thats how I will feel. Its all so odd.
Talking to family about trouble within that family is a bad idea in my experience. Setting up for betrayal trauma, confusion, and denial.
The worse perpetrators will outright lie and and gaslight everyone. And being they are protected by the mass delusion and family's need to feel normal.
The perpetrators will become the victim and we're made crazy because we opened a book on psychology or saw a therapist for damages caused.
Thanks for mentioning the retaliation. I have an extremely immature and disordered uncle who everyone felt the need to protect and his son, who leaned on me for decades, then turned on me just so he didn't have to admit the family has done a wrong. This uncle went to my neighbors and extended family on a smear campaign.
Also boundaries turns into a power dynamic play filled with traumatic aggression and nervous system octane.
There's zero "winning" with them in discussion even though winning is not what you're trying to do, but it is what they're trying to do.
If they don't apologize, they can continue to get reactions with arguments they have no intention of resolving.
Every time I confront them I’m either “crazy “ or “unhinged. Then what’s even worse is the silent treatment and discarding me because I confronted them. I’m always the bad guy every time I confront them and they love to shame me.
When confronted with that very accurate list one would conclude that you can't talk to them about anything ever. It's such a bitter pill to swallow that it's futile to interact with them at all.
I've started talking to my parents like Henry Kissinger - droning, monotone voice and completely flat emotional affect. It feels inhuman to do so, but it beats the alternative of feeling pain and frustration.
In comparison, being superficial in your conversations with them is THE way to go! Whenever I started to forgive and forget and to open up to them more, it backfired extremely! I regretted it. 😐
Means they stabbed me with their manipulative ways in the back to reach my heart.
Confronting anybody is worthless and dangerous.
Possibly, but I've never found that to be true with people who don't have a wide narcissistic streak.
I think you're right. It only works on tv and in movies... sometimes.
@brianzembruski54100%
Yes, most people are not mature enough to admit when they are being problematic.
thank god my boyfriend is secure enough to handle it.
My mother resents my memory.
So true!
I spent 10 of the best years of my life from 18 to 28 trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It turns out the only thing wrong with me was I had 2 narc parents who made me think I was the issue. Sucks that I lost my 20s drinking and depressed doing drugs getting with trashy women because my parents put all their issues on to their own child. Me. At least I know better now and am doing my best to finally take care of myself and have hope for a better life.
Ditto, bless you. I hear you
Same
Thank you Jerry for these cold hard truths and sage advice.
Any time I brought up past things, they tell me that didnt happen, I am too sensitive. They minimise what I went through and flipped the script and lie so much. The hard part for is is knkwing they lie to family members I want a solid relationship with but now they think the same things.
leave EVERYBODY alone and just move on and become successful.
My dad’s favourite deflection/excuse when the conversations gets anywhere near the topic of his parenting tactics is “well my parents were European immigrants, they didn’t know how things were here, etc…”
Now I understand that something happened to him or he was treated this way too maybe, but it’s a total lack of inward thinking or accepting any fault for his own actions.
Excuses Excuses are what negate you and are just another weapon in their armoury.
You will never get what you want, in terms of the abusers accepting that you are damaged because of them
They just retaliate. And if they can't get you to react they want, they'll twist the story to others, so you're the bad guy again. Then others say you were just causing trouble.
This is so true - you give them the amo to further destroy you by explaining why their behavior is abusive.
“Get their origin of family out of them” Love it, need it.
Ive tried keeping conversation vague and not expext much from my mom but she asks so many questions and then twists what i said. She has lied so much to my dad and he totslly believes her. She is a compulsive liar and Im starting to think my dad is like her because aive tried telling him what she has done. He doesnt believe me or he know and doesnt want to disturb her.
Great, so the consequences didn’t matter because I ended up basically having to hit rock bottom for them to even see their shit…and still they thought it was my fault. Fucking hell
Same here. I've struggled all my life, hit rock bottom twice. This time I couldn't get up again and it's how I saw it. Most painful thing I've ever been through.
I asked my mother if we could sit down together and talk about our feelings, as she was angry. She laughed. 😢
Been there too, a waste of time.
No contact works 100% of the time.. stop engaging.. block, ignore, live your life they hate that
Can confirm. I Tried to directly adress my grievances about the abuse i suffered as a child, with both Narrc parents. In a calm mature way with resolution as the goal. The escalated, blamed me, resorted to insults, yelled "what about meeee!!"
And basically made everything worse.
Havent talked to them since
They are wholly incapable of being exposed that they can make mistakes, and go in the attack
It makes it worse! My mother will make you pay.May not be right away but always right on time.
You just perfectly described my father.
Thank you for all the wise counsel you share.🌟😊
I try not to watch to much about NPD as I've seen lot's videos and trying to heal the relentless abuse... this title caught my eye because I did just that... Jerry you have helped me so much but I didn't get the memo in time about not confronting them... I had no idea. To help matters out my dad was a multi millionaire... after he died and then step mom my dad trust stated all 5 sisters were to have equal shares.... my only full sister was trustee... sis teamed up with mom and hired hit man that turned out not to be... they manipulated everyone on both side's of family to turn against me... Only thing I can say is don't ever call them out on their behavior it'll literally get you killed ... they live in another world and don't think their touchable by law ...
.and if confronted they'll bribe them with money. Family is obsessed with money... I just want to live through it.
Move in silence!
And regarding the hitman story... 😨.
I was in line for an inheritance which would set me up for life if what I was told by my Narcissistic mother, if I out lived her. I was the only remaining blood related member of the family with any contact, I was micro managed and manipulated until I had has enough and walked away.
I have never been so sane and stress free in my life ever.
I was a nervous wreck, and confused about so many issues in my life, wondering why I failed to reach my potential.
Now I wouldn't change anything for any price, to walk away with money instead of happiness ain't worth it.
I live alone but not alone in the sense that I rescued a stray cat who after a long time to gain her trust, is the most loving relationship that I have ever had. I struggled to have any meaningful successful loving partnerships because my confidence was constructively undermined by my jealous ex mother.
I look forward to hearing that she has passed on one day and if she leaves the family legacy to her church or cat charity, I will be too happy knowing that her evil twisted ways are no longer to bother about not receiving anything from her. She never loved her family so I kind of expect her to spite her blood relatives, she has no remorse.
What to do in this situation: when I'm happy the narcissist's behaviour is exhausting and the minute I finally snap or get depressed, she is like another person. Now she's cheerful, joking, talkative, easy. It would be comical if it wasn't so scary. I believe this behaviour is slowly wrecking me however hard I try not to be affected by it.
There’s a reason it’s called “crazy making” behavior. And it can make is physically ill to stay on this emotional roller coaster. It your parent is only happy when you are miserable, that’s not healthy for you. It’s ok to take a step back and lower contact to get perspective.
You are not alone. Please take care of yourself.
When they (my brothers, I have no sisters) get argumentative (over the phone), after about 5 minutes of conversation, I wouldI say, "I'm sorry, someone's knocking on my door, I'll call you back later." Of course, I don't call back. I refuse to let them ruin my day.
So so true!
As a child I was encouraged by an aunt to try to talk to my mother about feeling like she was showing favoritism towards my brother- the golden child. I was met with dismissal and invalidation. She constantly invalidated me when she would hurt me and when I tried to explain what validation of feelings meant, she acted so clueless and defensive. She always made my pain seem like I was always overreacting and things were never her fault but mine.
I stopped trying to explain anything or sharing feelings and realized she wasn’t able to handle ANYTHING related to emotions.
I’ve just had to back off and treat her like a venomous critter. Can’t get too close of she bites! I love her but she treats me like I’m that corn on the outside of her smallest toe. You have to love and nurture yourself and realize you will never get
1: Any validation of your feelings of any sort, of their role in how their actions impacted you.
2: An apology for how they treat you from cradle to the end.
3: Any genuine love, kindness or approval- you can’t try to earn this, it’s not in their ability to do so.
Best thing to do is get away, or spend as little time as possible with them.
Learn to love and validate yourself.
Learn to accept them as they are and don’t expect them to change.
Thank you for that. I recently experienced that first hand, when I tried to confront my mother with the fact that she pushed me towards my sexually abusive dad and is rejecting emotional intimacy and equality. The response I got from her was gaslighting, deflecting, editing, and blaming me for not feeling my feelings about having been molested, all so she doesn't have to take any responsibility. My email was a pursuit, I realized that afterwards. And I chose to say as a response "Maybe you are right, and I shouldn't have send you this email", in order to avoid getting sucked into endless self-harming dialog with her. I told her that I do not want any contact but she didn't adhere to that either. I am going to check out your program.
I am a... uh, retired golden child of a narcisasistic mother. She puts roles on everyone to the benefit of herself With everything. She assigned my older brother to be the "stressed out, but responsible one, like dad." And I was the "Voice that makes everything better. The perfect kid (I'm 37) that only understands me and my stances!" Eventually, she recycled her old criminal habits to enslave my brother into buying her cigarettes even when he couldn't afford them. He finally set his boundaries and it took hid girlfriend and himself to explain what was going on, and matched my worst "I'm disappointed in Mom" memories I had, It all checks out. I am on the brighter side, which means she can string together things I need if I ask. But all in all, he was her workhorse that appeared to be the narcissist at first glance, and I was this innocent so-no-wrong always-correct person. Even when my brother felt especially passionate about something. I have a lot of regrets and self parenting to do. On TOP of unlearning the fear earlier caretakers taught me. (It's a LONG story. Dad was aggressive and shadowy at the world and took it out on me. My temporary foster mother took me as a teen and was a highly aggrssive, highly religious person. They both influenced me as I grew up. Mom posed as "the rescue" from such chaos.)
Against my better judgement, I attempted to confront my mother today. I'm sure we can all guess how that went...... This video is brilliant and spot on. Lesson learned (I hope).
It’s amazing how alike they all act! Demonic influence?
I have all the time felt frustrated that my parents as well as siblings never recognized the fact that their being too much quite with, and having nothing important to say to, me is as much it is a cover of their narcissism to them as it is an hurtful indication of their normless and abnormal secretive behaviour to me. However the worst and damaging of all is the fact that their narcissism is baseless and pointless.
Thank you.
100 percent. These skills have changed my life. I wish I learned about them sooner.
Thanks you so much 🤗 this kind of family is such a headache....
One of the most eye opening videos on this subject. Definitely life saving information. Thank you!
One of the worst things my Mom does is subtly turn up the tv while I'm talking or the radio. Its like "ok I'm done listening to you now"
Wow. When I began my awareness 14 years ago. I did not know ALL of "don't do's"!!!!! I tried all of these. 😅😂😂 Damn and NOW I see why it didn't work. They are just as delusional and in denial today as they were 14 years ago.
I've been no contact with my dad for 7 years and I'm working on going no contact with my mom and her family.
I have to work on healing myself and getting back to my independent living.
I'm sad about disconnecting from my entire family except my beautiful daughter!!! This hurts BUT ive got no choice there is no value in remaining in contact after what I've realized and been through for the past 20 years of waking up!!! After what my daughter's been through and seen!!! 😠 Because I'm focusing on how to adequately "adult" the only thing they kept me enmeshed with is $$$$. They both did that deliberately. Once I get that under control I'm good.
I'll heal. We'll heal and live honestly, 🙏🏽, and seek peace.
We have to ✋️ confronting and start healing. ❤ I pray we make it to the side, a better life.
I'm not sure what possible relationship there is for me to choose to have with my narcissistic parents. It's essentially choosing a form of self-flagellation. What's the point?
I did confront, Jerry's right. The enabler who has a brilliant technical mind, better than mine suddenly couldn't remember. The narc hid in another room and let the enabler take the s**t as usual for their vile behaviour. Problem was I was bigger and faster than enabler by then so I couldn't be beaten into submission. How inconsiderate of me! The other problem was I was skirting around the edges of what happened because my memory gaps hadn't returned by then, it gives them a way out of the situation. Don't bother, they will just omit or lie anyway. Work on yourself, is an adult that will plot and scheme against a young child with the same viciousness that they would against another adult worthy of one more second of your life?
I literally did it last night. And the response I got back was a made-up excuse for literally everything that I said. And about 25% of those made up excuses contradicted one another
Oh my God it's so true 100,010 % now it's war with my mom I don't understand why they get away with everything they're so disgusting
No contact, no contact, no contact. Nothing else worked for me. Gray rock is better than nothing, but you still have to hear their BS.
In conclusion. It's pointless. Period. Thank you Jerry!
Thank you for this video. It came back up on my feed at just the right time. It will probably save me a concussion from banging my head against the wall asking dysfunctional toxic people to act like functional healthy adults when they haven't in the 41 year's I've been affiliated with my family... I love how one favor done three months ago is used as equal leverage against someone doing something for a lazy/toxic person 2-3 times a day for 6+ years in the mind of a parent with this disorder... It's really eye-opening and heartbreaking in equal measures...
Confront them, If you want to see how truly evil they are...it will be an ender, it was for me.
I wish that I had known about this so many decades ago that my mother was and still is a narcissist. I finally figured this out when I was 59 years old. Things started to finally click in my mind that my mother has always been in competition with my two older sisters and with me all that she has ever wanted me to be is an ignorant little boy that she can easily control and manipulate. She likes to say that she "loves me with all of her heart", but that is the furthest thing from the truth. The only reason that she ever does anything for any of her children is so that we will praise her for what she has done. The things that she has done lately I refuse to even acknowledge what she has done. From now on I will only be calling her on her birthday and Christmas. I do not plan on ever visiting her anymore. I sent her a letter to tell her how she treated me as a child and as an adult before I realized that she is a narcissist. Now I see that her response to my letter by blowing it out all out of proportion and even lying about and making things up in the letter I sent her was to be expected. I am sure that she was drunk when she read the letter even though she will not even admit to being an alcoholic. I feel now that I can not really hate her, but I can not really love her either, since she has a mental illness that she will never be able to understand or admit to. My life would have been so much better if I realized what she was / is decades ago.
I naively confronted my narcissistic father about ongoing toxic narcissistic behaviour by him and my mother when I was in my early 20's . I was hoping to improve the family dynamic , The blowback onto me cemented the need to close the door on having contact with them - the only positive outcome .
Everything you say and do, no matter how positive and loving, will be misconstrued and used against you.
Forty-six years slamming against this wall, finally concluding Mom was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy" as I had never heard of narcissism. Mom was Jezebel, Athaliah, and Miriam's dark side the whole time.
Stop wasting your time, your effort, your love: walk away.
Agree on your comnent and advice. Same story with my "mother".
My dads narc so scared off his long lost first son and family that they won't even talk to me! Even though I've talked to them about it.
So dad pushed away his own found grandchildren. And I miss chance to have a brother and nieces/nephews.
It was horrible to watch and made me sick.
Wise advice. It will never, ever end well. They will weasel, gaslight, yell, cry, change the subject, shrug it off...anything but what you need to hear.
They can't function beyond a surface level. Small talk only.
You're so good at describing these things, Jerry!
I especially like your point about how persuing them keeps us in the toxic system and enmeshed with them. It's only a tug of war if we tug back. We can choose to not pick up the rope. Allow them to be themselves very far away from us.
Any form of communication is confronting them.. Anytime I questioned anything.. Anytime I wanted specifics.. I do like how you said that confronting them is pursuit.. That is the same thing as chasing in the run and chase dynamic.. I would say letting go is the opposite of that..
Thank you, sir❤ for all you do
My mother enjoyed what she did and liked her results...til I went no contact. Now I like my results. No more pointless conversations aabout how awful I am!
It’s truly very disheartening and sad when you’re dealing with parents like this, can never reflect on own self or take any personal responsibility for own self but continually find everything wrong with everyone else. Walking away is too easy but honestly, if you can find a way to work on your own self and not to feed on their ways that would be the bestway to deal with such characters
You can not confront a narcissist about anything unless they are in the process of and have the desire to heal. My mother is 82 and has no desire to acknowledge who and what she is, so I have silently backed away for good. No need to confront, as she'll just play victim.
😂 I can remember making all of these mistakes, at the advisement of the cbt therapist I was seeing at the time. The heart break I had at failing to communicate with these deaf people I called my family and my therapist telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough, I wasn’t taking accountability for my failure to speak clearly. Here I am, 20 years later after separating myself from my family and firing that therapist trying like hell to live my best life with my son and wife. My life ain’t puppy and rainbows by any means, but it’s damn sure better than the s@#+ show it was for the first 20 plus years.
#9 is tough. Not sharing a past and having it mirrored back to you… leaves me dissociative. There is an invisibility.
Once an adult I found long lost photos and connected to adjacent, non biased adults as credible narrators of the past.
NC, one aspect, was because we shared no common past. It is crazymaking… it feels like being adrift. The lack of belonging and no safe harbor makes ripples through our life… forward.
This is how I got to know my dad is a narc and mom is not.
Sad af but true
Very helpful ❤