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Selfish, that’s the one that gets me. For thinking of myself when making decisions? Oh yeah I didn’t run it by the Narcs so they could correct me. Or was it cuz I Didn’t Put Everyone else First? Thanks for making this point that its a normal thing to watch out for myself… geez, as I look back they never did have any good intentions for me anyway… those narcissists you know 🤦♀️
@@DoveGirland I lived in a family home that was also a shit show. That is just like the Dr is saying that it makes you look at the world with fear… 🤔 hoping things get better for you soon
You’re not alone 😢 those voices dug in the mind barking at you when you just want a quiet moment alone. Being pulled down when really the fact that you survived living in that environment proves just how resilient and powerful you are.
Ah no kidding, who cares, enjoy yourself now that you're up to speed what's lurking out there, the devil sending more to destroy you? Wrong number, get your own life!
Ruined 10th birthday celebration of my niece. My narcistic mother made plan weeks ahead we'd go to visit on Sat 16/3 this year where they live and celebrate this big birthdays with first double digit! Everything pre-planned. On Wed 4 days prior I come from work late evening and she (completely drunk as she does regularly 3 times a week) announced the actually arrived for short visit (school holiday) and that they celebrated her 10th birthday that day and completely without me. While she announced me this "awesome" news with her drunk face and mentality of a toddler, she gave me one Toffifee caramel like I was part of it or what. No idea. You couldn't make this stuff up. I still have the present for her I made. Not sure when I'll be able to give it to her. Ridiculous.
I got out after high school and joined the Marines to get away from my narc mom. You have no idea how good it felt and I know it drove her absolutely crazy because she had no control over me anymore. I'm 41 now and she still tries to insert herself into things, but nope
That's normal for narcissists. My mom treated all five of us children like crap, but people who were totally unconnected with us just raved about how wonderful she was.
@@BlackSheep380 family support was withdrawn from me in an attempt to punish me for having children before marriage. Unless I fully give up my children over to them, they will always breadcrumb the support for me and my children
I'm from a very large family. We have always been blamed for mother working, the fact we did not much money, messy house... Whenever we questioned the fact they had so many of us, we were hit with, "Well, who do you want us to get rid of?" "X sibling?"
My mother told me nothing about nothing. Not how to cook or pay bills and definitely nothing about sex, except that it was okay so long as you're married. Turns out she wasn't married and was under age! She rewrites history on most topics!
Mine also taught me nothing, yelled at me to get out of her kitchen. And then they make fun of you or scold you for not knowing the basic things they never taught you!!
It's crazy growing up in complete neglect because at 30 I'm finally understanding things that people know in teenage years. I never had any parents tell me anything. So, I got taken advantage of and didn't know things about life that severely affected me in adult life.
Mine forgets a lot … she can’t remember most mean things she did ! But, if I did something bad or wrong I still hear about it years later! Great memory when it comes to my imperfections
True story, we are often called that here in Canada but heck, winter's long and summer's hot! My bf told me her mom said, as teens we went with our butts hanging out (not true and prob illegal pre-G-string wear) and I thought it was odd she'd mention it to me... Onto to her mom never liking me... (And?) The dad read my bf's diary, had a fit she was dating my bro, they married, dad died and bro made mom happy widow for ate teen yrs, 5 doors over my sister in law that dumb, they're still married! 😊
@@queentrinicorn9441 no sadly no. I was an only child. But then again, I had cousins and friends that my parents put me into competition with for their praise and affection 🙄
@@antonivi8968they used to do that too. Everything I wanted to do in life… but then changed their mind and now they treat me like a child. They even told me it was unrealistic to do a basic internship whereas everyone else is praised to the highest skies 🌌
When I faced discrimination, my dad viewed it as justified because I "was completely unlikable", "look like a criminal", etc. etc.. Every single contact with him and his family turned abusive as I look like my mom. The weird thing is that while my mom is of mixed European / First Nations Ancestry, my dad is of European, Native American & African Ancestry. Unlike my dad's family & my sister, I couldn't hide my non-white ancestry as I have a typical broad Native Build and other Native Features that make me stand out...
I'm 36. I'm just now starting to understand that what I went through wasn't normal. Growing up it's all you know, because there aren't any boundaries to begin with, you don't realize there should be. My parents never once hit me, but the emotional and mental shit they did instead has me twisted up for years. The more I stay away, the more I realize how toxic my normal was.
yeah the invisible things are harder to "prove" because its so many mind games that they're expert in and are always somewhat ambiguous, that in case someone does come close to revealing them, they can claim misunderstanding, its frustrating but it's so helpful to have these online resources that validate our suspicions even if others in the family/friends circle don't see
@@AA-iy4gmyes exactly. I know this is probably going to sound insane to some people but sometimes I wish she’d been physically abusive because then I’d have the physical scars to prove it and I would have gotten out a lot sooner.
Good for you I was 42 before I started really understanding how badly I was being abused. I’m really glad as awful as this sounds that I was able to tell my dad off before he died and I’m working on how angry I am that my vile mother and morbidly obese repulsive sibling are still alive! I’m sure they are an affront to God.
I grew up the same way with my mother not respecting my boundaries. I had few other friends that behaved the same way. Then 1 day I had enough of 1 person and the light turned on and started disconnecting from others. It was amazing some of the friendships were 20+ years old.
My biggest issue from having a narcissistic parent is saying no in every avenue of life. I'm 46 and have a hard time telling people no because I feel like I'm letting them down. This is a VERY hard thing for me to overcome
I am turning 46 this year, too. It feels like an age when we should know better, be better, and have it all figured out. But we stared at a huge deficit, so please give yourself some grace. It took me a LONG time just to stop volunteering for things even without being singled out and asked. We feel the need to prove our worth as ACON. But, I noticed this and worked on it actively. It was so hard that I literally had to bite my tongue to keep quiet in those circumstances in the beginning, but now I stay quiet with ease. Next was requests from acquaintances, then friends. Last is the people closest to me. This I haven't yet been able to accomplish, but I'm trying, and one day, it will feel natural, too. Take baby steps. Praise yourself out loud (when you are alone, lol) when you succeed and give yourself a BIG hug and lots of understanding when you don't. You are learning all of this for the first time, and it feels "wrong." It will get better. I am cheering for you!!!
Bless you for having such a strong sense of self so young. I didn’t figure my mom was covert narcissist and her family was a virtual cult to abuse and personality disorders until I was 65!!
You have never had one second of regret, either. You did the best & bravest thing you could do for yourself. Well done. It will always be a management job. But you set yourself up to have a real chance in life. I’m so glad you left your comment for others to see.
make sure you're as far away as possible from your parents... you can't do this in their presence... they will be offended that you're taking care of you
Ha ha offended that you take care of you.... Yep. Truth. What do you mean I can't bang the door a top volume whenever I want just because you have PTSD... You're so selfish...
They will even invest more energy into ruining your attempts at getting better, just so that they don't have to see proof of their failure at looking at themselves, maintaining they've always been the victim and there is no way out of their fate.
My brother just took himself out because of this my heart is shattered. Idk what to do with myself. I will always keep trying and striving though even more now because I have to be strong because he couldn't. What was hard before is now even harder. He's the only one who really truly understood. Now he's gone. Idk it is such a weird loss. And now I cannot even talk to my family because it was already very strained before. God bless us all. How I wish my brother could have learned from channels like this. He just kept pushing me away.
They ruined my childhood and now I’m struggling with relationships in adulthood. I hope I can sort myself out in the end. They are the gift that keeps on giving!
Just don’t give up on you. Practice lots of self care, and seek professional help. You cannot unravel this awful ball of trauma alone. I’m 65 & still discovering, learning, now growing.
We better refuse such gift :) In German the word means poison. The dose matters. We can grow or be overwhelmed. Cleansing our system again and again..brain cells are more stubborn than other cells in our body:)
I am 61 years old, and still struggle with relationships and life in general. I now have to take care of this still abusive, narcissistic parent. Having an abusive and narcissistic parent truly is a horrible "gift that keeps on giving".
When someone dares to stand up to these people as i did they always claim they got laid into for no reason just to wind you up even more! Thing is no one lays into anyone for no reason as I certainly don't but with them where there's no sense there's no feeling either!
@@catathelizard They 💭 we're exaggerating at least until they eventually end up becoming a victim in some way to 1 of these monsters themselves that is... It's easy to not believe in 🦈s until you eventually get bit.There's plenty of 🦈s out there nowadays😅.
Ruined our anniversary, birthdays by making it about herself. Mine ridiculed me over anything & everything. She'd mock me, laugh, stupid comments, you name it! Like I was an inept imbecile. She taught me nothing except for being threatened and bowing down to her demands/expectations. I was very shy, clammed up never say no sayer until I realized what she did to me. I now come out swinging and never hold back. I speak my mind and say no!
@@billyb4790 no contact is much easier with non-family. Sometimes, no contact is not possible. Until it is. And the reason why the only solution IS no contact is because the only way to survive is to, quote, "come out swinging and never hold back."
I can relate. My mom makes a big deal of my wedding anniversary and my sister's every year. We're each creeped out and would like to focus on our relationship with our husband on the day. My sister eloped in her 30s to keep my parents out of her wedding. I wish I had thought of that when I married a decade earlier. I took pains to conceal where my husband and I spent our wedding night, but I still felt haunted by my parents that night. I was sure they were going to track me down and knock on our door at any moment. I'm so glad it wasn't the first time we had sex. That was much more private and special, before I had told my parents about him. My mom used to spy on me all the time when I was growing up. She was obsessive. Once she knew I was dating my now-husband (shortly before cell phones, unfortunately) she often called me really early in the morning to make sure I was at home. Half the time I was at his place.
Tangentially: the typical “there’s no guidebook for parenting and they did the best that they could” is a LIE that older generations like to tell to avoid accountability like they’ve always done.
A therapist once said this with my second-generation egotistical "mom" who, after I explained to the therapist of how she allowed her parents to withhold food from me as punishment and lock me in dark rooms (having me develop an ED and nyctophobia as a result), told said "mom" "You did the best you could, and that's enough." And told me "You need to talk to your mom more, there's no such thing as a perfect parent." It accidentally reinforced a belief where I misinterpreted others actions all the time and should always see them as having good intentions, so it's wrong to be hurt by them because they'd be hurt by me saying as much. Had to unlearn a lot and still re-learning things that I used to know. I don't want my "mom" to be perfect. I needed her to be motherly.
When they ruin your image they can be viewed as ruining "everything"... My dad treated me as his personal punching bag and his family joined in... My big sin, having too much Native Blood to pass for White, but then why did he marry my mom???
ikr I used always walk by the school counselor's office look inside but never went in. I guess there was food on the table and there were no bruises everything was ok. All the damage was done mentally.
Kids who are truly hurting and want to know will find these videos, but teaching it in school will result in good parents being accused of being selfish narcissists because they tried to enforce a curfew or something. If you don't believe me, head on over to Reddit's threads about narc parents. Kids are asking "How do I go no contact and still get sperm donor to pay for college?" and one girl posted "I used to get these really bad tantrums, so my narc mother would hug me to prevent me from damaging anything, even though I didn't want to be touched". People got banned for suggesting such parents were not narcissists, so it can be overdone.
I didn't realize there was anything wrong in my relationship with my parents until I was in my 30's. My grandmother lived seventy miles away and had become too old to live alone. When she moved in with my parents, she was appalled by their behavior and how they lived their lives. Before that, my mom had me convinced it all my fault. I was a bad daughter and an incompetent person. Thank you, Grandma for never making me earn your love.
Unfortunately knowing about it doesn't help, as a toddler I was able to understand my mother was lying, pretending and modifying her reactions to me, I didn't believe what she was telling me and in fact I don't remember ever believing her but the fact that I had to see my mother as a posessed, fake, emotionally ill NPC had an even deeper impact on my nervous system and completely ruined my worldview and mental health. Before I could speak I remember thinking my mom needs to grow up so I can help her. It still fucks you up.
The problem with narcissistic parents is they're usually long-lived due to their self preserverance. Cutting ties is the only way out, as hard as that is.
My mother is nearly 80. She is healthier than myself and my other remaining sisters combined. My eldest sister became a heroin addict despite being raised in a family with zero drug issues at all. She’s recovered now in her late 50’s and finally has the education and career she was told she’d never achieve. My next sister became a functional alcoholic who drowned in the bath in 2019 after having an alcoholic seizure. She’d had no contact with my parents for years and lived with a couple who believed she was an orphan. My next sister has myasthenia gravis and a brain tumour which is currently being treated with gamma knife after an ongoing lifestyle of substances, partying, general upheaval and bonkerness. I have stomach issues that almost completely control my life brought on by stress. I have an arm fully of ugly scars as a pleasant little reminder. My mind is a mixture of anger and guilt about said anger. If you have children or form lasting HEALTHY relationships I beg you, please break the cycle.
The Boomers are long-lived because of Capitalism coddling them and their parents when they were younger than we are now. "Perseverance" or "preservation" or whatever has nothing to do with it. They got coddled.
I have Myasthenia Gravis as well and a narc mother. Also several other illnesses. Barely made it out. Now at 4 years no contact I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my WHOLE life!!
I haven't spoken to my birth person in over two years, she's as cruel and ambivalent as she is old. If she makes it to October, she'll be 94. She'll probably outlive ALL her kids, she's too mean to die. 🤬
I really hope you've been able to enjoy things moving forward, having them 💩 on your wedding & 1st pregnancy would be very horrible.A lot of them despise it when you're pregnant because you tend to get more attention from others & also they know you'll be paying more attention to your baby instead of their 💩🤢.
To all of the people who have left comments here, thank you! I see myself in every single comment. Sending you all love & light & solidarity! Hold your heads up walk proudly in this world! We did not allow their narcissism to turn us into ugly people! Thank you Jerry Wise! Your videos are always on point, easy to follow and you validate us & give us a voice! Our voice! ❤
I was the only child my mother could control. She was a battered wife. And all her other children wouldn't allow her to control them. She hated my husband because she could no longer control me. But she messed me up so badly. I realize now I married him to get away from her. And unfortunately he was a serial cheater and addicted to porn. I told myself I deserved this because she instilled a sense of worthlessness in me. I will never understand why she hates me so much. But I do know that I didn't do anything wrong. It was her. Not me. I've gone no contact with her and I have peace.
I know exactly how you feel. Bcs my lunatic narc mother i had wrong decision to live with ( back then ) junkie ex, lived hell with him one year and a half. I thought that was good chioice back then 😢 i was so desperate so i did few things to myself which i regret. It was all chain reaction, escaping from her, to live with that ex, than i've got sick physically and mentally. I hope to go no contact finally with her one day.
@@aimeem no. I don't look like either of them. Lol. Despite everything she did to me. All the way that she hurt me. I never resented her and I never blamed her. She had so much to deal with with the kind of mother she had My grandmother was terrible. I'm at 16 she left that and got pregnant and went straight to my dad and he beat her terribly. Is cheated on her He never provided. Everything she went through doesn't justify what she did to me It never will. But because of what she went through I do believe in my heart that she believes she did her best. All I ever wanted from her was to hear her sing that she loves me too and that she was proud of me. It took years for me to understand I was never going to get that. I was only going to get her team but she still would be inflicting if I kept her in my life. He doesn't even like my children. I'm a grandmother now and I cannot imagine not loving your grandchildren. I don't hold any resentment for her I do hope that she finds peace in this world. And I am proud that I understand I never need to keep her again and I am okay with that. I stopped letting people make me feel guilty because she was my mother. Yeah she was my mother but she hurt me more than anyone in this world has ever heard me before.
I was told (repeatedly) that I became a problem when puberty hit. I had a will of my own now and that was problem. For years I would explain that puberty is normal and not something I could help (how sad is that) , all while feeling ashamed/guilty for something that I could not help and is normal.
One thing I’ve never seen addressed is that so many children of narcs are “trapped in the minutiae of life”. They never see the big picture of anything and never plan ahead.
Why do you think that is? I've never heard of that.....but I am definitely "stuck" in the minuate, as you say. Can you please elaborate on the meaning? The reason?
do you mean instant gratification? lack of patience to prepare? a self destruction of sorts? i spend a lotta time in Philippines and many, usually American men come through my association. high iq types with no accomplishments. philippines is seductive to men who were abused in western culture. available ladies, dollar goes farther, laid back people. i see men spending all their monies to please the new girlfriend and her family. they deal with the poor and desperate not upper classes. often they’re cared for in good faith but financial philosophies differ but love starvation is what it is. all of these people are intelligent and interesting. unstable lives are interesting. when they’re risking pregnancies with unstable women, or i see they’re over spending i find they come with limited savings it’s not a place for an American especially if white to self destruct. i manage to convince them by guessing correctly they’re narc survivors to fly out before they’re stuck with babies, illicit debts ie gambling or loan shark. reached a point i’m unfriendly to americans in passing as the acquaintanceship can be costly or high risk your comment gets me thinking that many children of cluster-b parenting impatiently crave remedial instant gratification with a self destructive component. some survivors learned enough come with developed self control and can make it although they’re still on a rickety roller coaster.
There is something called a sense of foreshortened future. Growing up in total chaos, poverty, physical and emotional abuse, I could never plan for the future. Academically. Financially. As far as finding a suitable life partner and having children. Buying a house... it just goes on and on. I feel like I'm at least 20 years behind my peers but making progress now. One time age 16 my dad told me, "You will never live to the age of 20" because my sister told him I was on drugs. Well FU, I'm 57 and now living a very healthy life in the south of France. Had to focus all my life energy on having a career and getting away from them.
extreme school bullies and parents isolated me completely from the surrounding world, no play, no love and worst, they even starved me, i don't know how i survived this hellscape
When I was a kid, I loved to read. I would literally read one book a day during summer break. My narcissistic father took exception to my hobby. He told me i wasn't allowed to read the books i loved to read. I think he wanted my attention, and saw my reading as depriving him of his "supply". When he told me i wasn't allowed to read my books, I immediately stopped reading. I went from 1 book a day, to not reading a single book for years. I still can't read books, they are too triggering.
I feel for you. I just told a friend today how I would avoid or nearly detest things once dear to me because they were taken from me. Like learning an instrument. Still have issues incorporating anything related into my life. Yes, you are allowed to read as well as not to read. And some things sometimes also had their hayday. Books were a door to the world, music as well something completely removed from daily chores, family issues and other information needing to be filtered, processed. I like how Jerry says don't absorb, just observe. Our heart keeps beating even if we don't take all to our heart.
My father was functionally illiterate. He saw me pursuing art or reading a book as a waste of time, so he would give me a list of chores every day, especially over the summer, to keep me "productive" all day,when I wasn't busy taking care of my little brothers 😮💨 I feel ya'!
I worked at a book store, very nice job! I was 17 and on my own, '79 and glad to be away from mom but still on my own at her request, no books on narcissism then of course but lots of what makes/how to be happy, guess a learned skilled and haven't looked back yet, narcs pride themselves at removing ours, their goal, horrible creatures, if your lack of love for books sets you free so be it, many have it worse off... Mom's trigger of they deserved it haunts me, even seeing a damaged tree, wounded bird/bug has that "It deserved it" right up front in my head, even told my son about it showing him the stupid damage stupids do to us! I then get on with it but think of there's that trigger, enjoy your peace you've earned it!
Start reading!!! Reading is a GIFT. Use discernment about what you choose, but with time and wisdom, you’ll sort things out. I would be ruined or possibly dead without the gift of reading. I’m in your corner!
I was the Scapegoat in an abusive, neglectful alcoholic family. I was regularly beaten. Perfection was demanded.... anything less, was punished. ALL of the family attention went to my Dad's drinking or my Golden Child older sister's sport. There was nothing left for me, except beatings. At 10, I tried to commit suicide. I was kicked out of 6th grade for missing 21 school days in a row. I was in real distress. My parents didn't seem to notice or care about me at all. If I did well or was a disaster, no one cared. I was just a rotten egg. By the time I was 12, I was dead inside and a people pleasing codependent. So much of my life, I wished I were never born. And the abuse continues... My Golden Child sister is a raging narcissist. And my husband treats me as if I'm nothing. Now, I have to figure out how to heal from a lifetime of being treated like I'm worthless, unless I sacrifice all of me for others. That's tough.
Maybe start saying no to little things and asking for little things instead. Yes, big hugs, it's not too late to try to change the pattern. This is a very valuable RUclips channel.
1. Immediately plan how to go no contact from all the narcs 2. Take some time to adapt to changes 3. Start getting rid of bad habits (tip: replace with healthy ones) 4. Create "good memories" (tip: join a church, hang out with true disciples of Jesus, pray for and help other victims, build treasures in Heaven. And become "more than a winner") With love, with God's blessing on top 🙏❤
You are so precious and valuable. You deserved to be treated with dignity like all others. You deserved love and attention and mercy and compassion. There is a long road of healing ahead, but I promise you can walk it. It starts with little steps and someday, you will have trouble remembering your past self. This channel is a great resource, but also there are many ways to boost our self esteem and emotional intelligence. Learn the games manipulators and oppressors play so you can spot and reject their games. One of the hardest concepts for people like us is “Mercy” or “Compassion” … I’m sure you have plenty of compassion for others, but you must be even MORE compassionate and loving to yourself. No one on this Earth deserves to live under oppression, and God hates the oppressors. If you cannot act against the oppressors yet, at least hate their oppression in your heart… and continue to seek ways to free yourself from their oppression.
Now you are in control of what comes next… your journey has already begun. Trust in you only to take care of you… my husband called me stupid twice… but not a third time. It was a rough time but am happily divorced now
i am 66 years old, grew up with a very narcissistic abusive mother, finally got out and have not have any contact w/her for 5 year now and finally healing inside
I am truly so sad for so many of you here. I was lucky. Covert narcissist mother who tried to deprive me of progression in life. Strong dad who stood up to her and fought on my behalf for my freedoms and ultimately career choice. Now that I'm so much older I can see that he saved me.
I don't think my parents were narcissists but I do think they were incredibly immature and I was emotionally neglected so badly that I think I have similar symptoms to having had narcissistic parents.
There are different types of narcs. They come in all forms too. I used to think mine weren’t but as I kept exploring my past, I realized they are COVERT narcissists. Trust your experience more than the image of ‘parents’ you want to maintain
I feel this deeply. Probably not narcissists, but trying to find the walls of that hole in my heart has been a struggle. It's hard to notice something you weren't receiving as a child.
@@Cnlg97 this is what I’m realizing now!! One of parents simply doesn’t care, no need to wear a mask. The other one is beloved by all but I know how nasty and cruel she really is. I see her without the mask.
Same here,my narc father always acted like me getting pregnant would be the worst thing in the world...Even as an adult he basically couldn't understand that I actually always really wanted kids, he couldn't wrap his tiny 🧠 around the fact that I wanted to focus on things that WEREN'T him or his dim-witted antics🤢.
I know I avoided anything to darken the family reputation, yet it was never realized by them. Still could not do anything right in their eyes. Sigh. They are now dead: the narc and the enabler. I don't miss them. How it goes.
My mother and her mom both would tell me to get on birth control after I had a baby… I had four. I love babies! And I love loving them the way I didn’t receive it as a child! When I announced my fourth pregnancy my mother was actually angry!
@@EdenHeiress They probably couldn't stand you & your babies "taking the spotlight" from them🤢.I hope you were able to go no-contact with them, people like that aren't healthy to be anywhere near & they're not healthy role models for your children...Also generally there's always some type of abusive dynamics at play even with the grandkids😬.
Yes, when my narc mother suggested I develop a good connection with my nieces and nephews because "someday I might need them"... she was really showing her cards there! I realized she is occasionally nice to me so she can keep me roped in, just for practical purposes.
yeah once you see them for who they are you start questioning their other motives/suggestions even the ones that on surface seem perfectly normal - they might be but coming from a healthy person- when they come from a narcissist,.especially a covert one, it's good to ask yourself hmm why are they really bringing this topic up, there's got to be more to it and then the puzzle pieces start coming together over time.
same with my family every gift, every gesture of kindness is stored and used later. they view humans as currency to project their false image of goodness.@@counter.123
That shit pisses me off more than anything. I grew up with a narcissist controlling dad. It's infuriating for sure. Then I get told I have anger issues. NO you have control issues. And I call it out.
That's it.y two older brothers were allowed to grow up, get married, have kids. I as the only girl got trapped taking care of these two idiots. Ones now gone,.caregiving.the other unfortunately..my time is coming soon 🎉😊
my lunatic narc mother purposefully got a job at my high school only for the 4 years that I was there so that school was not a safe escape place for me. She stole my high school experience- befriended my teachers, flirted with boys, and decided who my friends should and should not be, plus popped up every 2 seconds througout my school day. I was an A+ popular student despite her, and it ruined any happy memories I have of high school
Mom would take me and my buds shopping and to concerts and then say how well we got on, she got jealous that I'd rather hang out with friends at times cuz she's a nut job, she'd act crazy when nice friends came by ruining any healthy future social circles they might lead to, I always wonder what my life may have been like and of course dad was deadbeat but I was more or less ok with that!
It's awesome you were an A+ student . You have a strong mind and a top ofn the line drive and work ethic to be able to accomplish this in the face of daily harrassment, put downs, marginalization abuse, etc. I guess she stole your high school experience, but as an adult you can be personally responsible to give yourself the best life possible.
That is awful. The behavior is very familiar however. My mom would try to befriend my friends behind my back and talk bad about me, think every man is in love with her. She doesn’t like me because I am authentic and she is unable to ever be. No contact is leading me to healing.
My children threw me a 60 year old birthday party. i didnt have birthday parties as a child. My narc mom kept giving me a hard time about having a party. She came and some how managed to convince some church ladies how wonderful she was. So later I had to listen to people speaking about how great she was. I plan to not have a party until Im 90. She won't show up to that one.
Had one party in 5th grade was able to invite 3 friends. That was the only party I had at my house. I did not go to other children's parties, except for one or two in elementary school years. I disliked the socialization. I suspect I may not have been told of the other potential parties from other children as the mother I had (being we were all adopted) was very controlling and demanding of us. Sad, really.
@privateinfo1711 Don't let that witch rob you of ANY MORE JOY!! Look for any excuse to celebrate you and life and sashay through the event with a beautiful smile on your beautiful face. Prepare a few phrases to shut her down in advance and rehearse them in the mirror. If necessary, DO NOT INVITE HER. Girl, please do you and thrive!!!
So many unhappy experiences, but my high school graduation was treated like it was just something to get off of a checklist. I remember being so upset, that I did not go home after graduation. I drove around for over an hour in the car, and came home to be yelled at by my narc. mom...I continued on hating my birthday, holidays, ect....
They are sooo self obsessed and incapable of empathy or love. She probably hated your big day as it was not about her it was about you. Once you start to heal you stop being affected so deeply and perceive how pathologically inadequate and empty- souless they are. Aim for total indifference towards them hun ... none are worthy of anything else.
My mother started telling me she loved me when I turned 50. I never heard those words before growing up. Its still a complete shock to me every time she says those words.
@@rubberbiscuit99That’s exactly right. My mom came and took care of me when I had my baby. I thought she had changed. She showed her true face shortly after when a disagreement happened.
Sounds like my mom pitting me and my two siblings against each other or picking which one was her favorite or doing better. Then gossiping about the other siblings. She still does it to this day and we are 40, 43 and 46. I'm the oldest.
My narrcistic parent would made us work for his relatives doing errands for them his works too and beat hell out us for having low grades.Violence was his answer for Asking questions.You are super human if you tolerated these pschos and moved on to have stable life
I hate holidays and just want to stay at home and not want to deal with the "obligations" of the get togethers. Makes me miss when I lived out of state and could do my own thing
You can still do your own thing & create your own holiday traditions even if you're not living too far away.The beauty of being an adult living in your own home is that it's ultimately up to you in regards to who you allow in it & who you decide to visit.Things like no-contact for example can be difficult at least at 1st because these types usually will come out of the woodworks to try to hoover you back into the fray...But it's important to stand your ground even if they try to hoover or have flying 🐒s try to pester you.
Whne I loved back to the same city, after being 2000 miles away for 20 years, I let them know via email that I was retired from family gatherings. They didn't buy it,but I just didn't make myself accessible to them. You can do it.
Its a catch 22, when youre faced with having to see family on the holidays, all you can think of is anxiety and stress that comes with it. If youre alone, it feels lonely to see everyone making plans and then I always felt like a charity case when someone invited me to their holiday.
My once a month after school book club was too much of an inconvenience for my stepmother because it cut into her time. I was so discouraged from pursuing any passion because it took time, attention and possibly money away from her and her children.
@@Carlotta_Lee_Ray I agree. Unfortunately my dad left all parenting to her because he didn't want to deal with her attitude towards him if he disagreed with her. As soon as I hit 18 I fled.
I grew up afraid of EVERYTHING. As I grew into adulthood, I’d tell people I was afraid of the man on the Quaker Oats barrel 😢🙁. Grew up being terrified of both parents…narcissistic mother, over bearing rule by intimidation father. I had to come to grips with it …..eventually did with help from various mental health professionals. One advised me I was living in Trauma Time instead of Real Time. That helped tremendously, as I suffered some manner of trauma on a daily basis, so just about everything in my adulthood life triggered me back to a traumatic childhood memory. While I do have fearful moments-especially when I’m in the presence of men- I can back myself down from the proverbial cliff I’m hanging on & go on with my day. Thank you for your videos. They’ve helped give me good food for thought.
At 47 years old, I'm only recently understanding that my mother is a narcissist and that my entire life has not been just my imagination. Unfortunately, the children she stole from me and now the grandchildren that have been kept from me will never know the truth and I'll probably feel the horrendous emptiness forever. That being said, I want to thank you for the selfless time spent in guiding survivors to healing. It's so overwhelming to learn that the one person I was supposed to look up to and trust, could hurt me and forever change the course of so many lives. Her own flesh and blood -"love" forever tainted
They ruin childhood and adolescent friendships. I now watch a whole community of people from the outside because she turned these people against me as an adolescent. I remember being so confused by it all.
Gald you mentioned sex. My mom was a man hater because of how my dad treated her. And my dad was more obsessed with me having sex than i was. He's just assumed even when I had a boyfriend 2 minutes alone we would just go ahead and do it. As I've gotten older I've realized it was my dad's own obsession with sex that drove his thinking to just assume everyone else is like that. So polar opposites and VERY confusing. Grateful for this channel!
My sociopathic narc father was determined to not let me be intimate with the man I love back when we were teens....I just had my beloved come over while he'd be at work during the evening/nights😉.It was pretty %#$&ed up though because my DAD made me feel almost as if I were cheating on a husband or something by simply being intimate with my beloved🤢🤮.
I struggle with lots of aspects of life, and one of them is perfectionism. I really love how you say if it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly. I know you dont mean that literally but I'm someone that will put off doing something i should do because I'm afraid i wont do it perfect or even decently but for many things, getting started means doing it badly, its ok, its ok. This is how we learn, this is how we grow. Hiding doesn't accomplish anything.
I'm having to learn not to be overly critical & tell myself it's a learning opportunity- I will get better. You never get better if you never even try. I saw something recently where someone talked about narcissistic abuse survivors asking "what's the point?" Sometimes the point is that it makes me happy & it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or if there are mistakes.
You have to make mistakes to learn, it's part of the process, if people make you feel stupid for getting something wrong then keep as far away as possible from them whilst you learn and prosper
It was so startling for me to hear him say that, because I’ve grown up with the literal saying, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well.” I kid you not that I hear those EXACT words in my head before and during just about every task in life, large or small. I wonder what it would do to me if I tried changing it to his version instead. It’s almost terrifying even though I know the pressure I put on myself to do every single little thing well is exhausting and often times leads to avoidance of things I really should do.
I told my mother that her boyfriend sexually abused me.. her response was "What do you want me to do about it?!". It was like a slap in the face. She said do you want me to call the police or tell him to leave?! I hurt myself because I could see she wasn't happy so I told her no no don't call the police. I was 10, she kept seeing him till I was 20 years old. She put him out because he stopped buying milk for the house. I hurt myself greatly
True story, my older bro told me 3 yrs ago a teacher screwed my older overt coke head sis when she was in gr 8, in gr 6 this same guy stood behind me and felt me off but hysterical because I was very active and flat as a board, I told no one... Who'd I tell, my sis very skinny even no milk when babies came (had to see my bro in law feel her off after delivery to confirm 😝 🙈, so maybe old teacher was looking for change from me or trying to get me going for future hook up ? 🤷 So whom I gonna tell, unbelivable, I saw him a few yrs later he was teaching at my high school he couldn't look me in the eye, guess not aye!
I shared a bad experience when I was a kid where an older cousin molested me. I was less than 5. She stared at me blankly like she always does when I share someone abusing me
This video summed up my entire childhood. Especially the fear mongering and sex talk. The addition of religion manipulation adds another layer to the cake. It's taken years to undo the damage and I'm still working on it but more confidently. Thank you Jerry for producing yet another amazing, introspective video on this challenging topic.
My relationship with my mother has been terrible for as long as I could remember. She never told me she hated me she didn’t have to I could feel it . A month ago at age 52 I finally told her I believe she is undiagnosed mentally ill and I understand why she behaved in the manner she did towards not only me but my brother as well . I told her I no longer want any contact with her ever again . She said she accept that and just like that the wicked witch is no longer in my life I am free and in peace .
I'm still trying to accept that having no contact is best, but I can't bring myself to reach out (and logically I know that is best). Maybe in death he will finally understand. Sending you love, peace, and acceptance. ❤❤
@@tashasmith1234 I appreciate that . I’m 52 it took this long for me to finally close the door to my mother who every time I tried to reconnect with her she would only behave nice for a short amount of time then the demonic toxic behavior would seep back in - she would do and say the meanest hateful things to me and expect me to take it . She met my son when he was 5. I never told my son anything negative about her , I never discuss the past . My son went to visit her while I was at work , when I picked him up hours later he told me how cruel and mean spirited she and her husband was towards him and when he cried she slapped him . I knew he wasn’t lying because that’s how she treated me . I never allowed him to be around her without me being present after that . She has always been a bully . I do not feel bad that I told her to never contact me again . I finally stood up to the bully .
Years ago, when I lived at home, I remember my mom doing something really weird. My mom baked a cake in a rectangular pan. I was sitting at the kitchen table talking with my sister and a friend. I never expected a cake. My mom put a cake rack on the table and dropped it on the rack and the cake broke in half. No icing. She mumbled happy birthday and walked out of the kitchen. She had absolutely no emotion. I would never had done that to anyone, but I was used to her acting like an empty shell.
Thank you for sharing this. I really love your videos. 🙏😊 Everything you say is on point. I'm listening to you discuss the loss of self. I'm 49, and I still struggle with this.
I'm 48. This was a GREAT video. It cleared up a lot of things where I blamed myself. Also I understand why I have fear issues. Still have to work through it.
Thank you for this. At 56 years old, I finally understand why I never believed in love. Unfortunately, as a profoundly gifted person, I'm like a Martian among Earthlings. Everyone dislikes and misunderstands me eventually, so there's no resolving fear of others, as it's absolutely warranted.
You are far better off re-parenting yourself, than ever having someone else re-parent you. Get a friend you can ask for advice, who respects your boundaries, if you need info from someone older.
It can work well in some scenarios but I'm assuming it's rare...I got the man I love when we were only 12 & I essentially raised him emotionally and taught him a good sense of morality.Both his parents were narcy & didn't care for his emotional needs at all so he latched onto me instead & has always 👀 me as "mom".I deeply cherish our unique tender bond obviously but I do always wish he'd been able to have that from birth with his biological parents though.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, good golly was there a camera in my house growing up?! Jerry here talking about my childhood like he lived through it 😅. Best thing I ever did was 100% disconnecting from Narcissist, sadly they are beyond redemption. Second best thing I did was get therapy, including these great videos. ❤
Here's what redemption is about Zera...[Jhn 3 NLT]. 16 "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. ... 18 "There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God's one and only Son. 19 And the judgment is based on this fact: God's light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. 20 All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. 21 But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants." (Jesus speaking). 31 "He has come from above and is greater than anyone else. We are of the earth, and we speak of earthly things, but he has come from heaven and is greater than anyone else. 32 He testifies about what he has seen and heard, but how few believe what he tells them! 33 Anyone who accepts his testimony can affirm that God is true. 34 For he is sent by God. He speaks God's words, for God gives him the Spirit without limit. 35 The Father loves his Son and has put everything into his hands. 36 And anyone who believes in God's Son has eternal life. Anyone who doesn't obey the Son will never experience eternal life but remains under God's angry judgment." (John the Baptist speaking)
Love for a narcissist parent is a utility and functional and transactional and involves conformity and is very conditional- there’s no tender heart connections and no vulnerability AT ALL It feels smothering, controlling, aggressive , cold , sadistic, competitive, dark, conditional, and judgmental
@@jerrywise I like your work a lot. I am a child of one alcoholic and one covert narc parent. I was a codependent, now a recovering codependent, more towards self love abundant. Your job made a hudge impression to me. Thank you!
I had both ends of the spectrum concerning sex. My mother's two sisters sexualized me at an early age...exposing me to porn, telling me about their sex lives, and attempting to hook me up with men more than double my age. I tried to tell my parents some of this, and I was told I was just jealous of them and was trying to divide the family. My parents, on the other hand, never talked to me about sex other than I wasn't supposed to do it. I was called all kinds of names if a relationship ever became more serious and I wanted to start spending any kind of significant time with the person I was seeing. At the time I was engaged to my now husband, I was called so many names that I didn't go on a date with him alone for over 6 months before we got married. We had been engaged for 5 years at the time
My 'Mother" use to so rude about some people. A single woman having a relationship with an older man... A married couple who accidentally had a pregnancy and an abortion. Fine that her friend was 'shagging' the local lothario in her bed. Fine that apparently both myself and my brother were 'accidents'.
Agreed, they regularly comment on other people's lives in negative ways, as if they themselves are saints or that their excuses and hardships exclude them from others. On the other hand, they also seem to sound foreshadowing about friends and family that are successful in whatever way, the narcissist comes with comments like "yeah, we'll see how long that lasts, i remember them when they were nothing" or similar things like that
omg nail on the head. devaluing and talking shit about any and everyone, even if they are experiencing good times its "well see how long before they screw that up"@@AA-iy4gm
The picture depainted it unfortunately not exaggerated. I can confirm that behind my back, in the family and elsewhere, my narcissistic father called me a hore, even in front of my daughter, who was only 4 years old.
@jerrywise Thank you. I'm 57. Sometimes I think it's too late. It took me decades to figure out how deeply my relinquishment, adoption, and narcisstic adoptee parents impacted me. You're a good man.
Yes, some of us didn't have anybody at all. No grandma, grandpa, aunts or uncles, or anybody at all. It's hard to understand. I'm not sure why I was born.
@idagirl814 With that experience, I have found that I cannot put any trust in other people. I've learn to only rely on my own instincts and my Higher Power. It is almost liberating, but it came at a very high cost.
This is interesting. I pretty much raised myself and took care of myself. I was pretty much ignored so I didn't realize my mom was narcissistic until recently. She was the opposite of my sister. She was everything you explained here.
My therapist didn't believe me when I told him about my life, from growing up until today.....how I was treated, how I was spoken to, the things my parents and their other children put me through and many other things. The therapist asked my spouse if I was lying about my life while growing up and about my parents and their other children, and current events. Yeah, it was that bad.
What kind of therapist is that? Has he never learned about narcissists? That isn't normal. And talking with your husband about you is an absolut no go. Like the poster before me already said: Find another therapist. This guy doesn't know what he is doing and his behaviour is not acceptable.
Due to my home life, my grades suffered. Horribly. All I heard was, why can’t you be more like your younger brother and sister. My brother spent his 4. Grade average sitting on a forklift. My sister became a cook in a high school kitchen. I went on to own a corporation troubleshooting computerized factory equipment. I got self back. And the rest followed. Including the childhood!😊
WOW !!! You mentioned about a report card... One year I got all "A's" and one "B" and was not only criticized then but my son found it in some old stuff and mentioned it to my dad when I was over 50 years old and my dad still criticized me and belittled me to my son , bringing up other perceived shortcomings of mine. Sad thing is , he didn't even try to play it off as a joke to save face.
Emotional Manipulation Love throughout childhood into adulthood... 3 failed marriages... can't say no... caretaker here... learning too! But making me look Narcissistic like I don't care... emotional manipulation...
Get narcissistic family dysfunction OUT OF YOU and build your true self with the 'Road to Self’ program. Join here>> program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
11:40 min mark Exactly
I was in a foster home and it was a shitshow...
Selfish, that’s the one that gets me. For thinking of myself when making decisions? Oh yeah I didn’t run it by the Narcs so they could correct me. Or was it cuz I Didn’t Put Everyone else First? Thanks for making this point that its a normal thing to watch out for myself… geez, as I look back they never did have any good intentions for me anyway… those narcissists you know 🤦♀️
@@DoveGirland I lived in a family home that was also a shit show. That is just like the Dr is saying that it makes you look at the world with fear… 🤔 hoping things get better for you soon
@@user-vt9kd4no8j thank you💛🌹🤗
Ruined birthdays. Holidays. Any possible plans. Dreams. Talents. Sense of self. 😭🙏GET OUT.
You’re not alone 😢 those voices dug in the mind barking at you when you just want a quiet moment alone.
Being pulled down when really the fact that you survived living in that environment proves just how resilient and powerful you are.
Ah no kidding, who cares, enjoy yourself now that you're up to speed what's lurking out there, the devil sending more to destroy you? Wrong number, get your own life!
Ruined 10th birthday celebration of my niece. My narcistic mother made plan weeks ahead we'd go to visit on Sat 16/3 this year where they live and celebrate this big birthdays with first double digit! Everything pre-planned. On Wed 4 days prior I come from work late evening and she (completely drunk as she does regularly 3 times a week) announced the actually arrived for short visit (school holiday) and that they celebrated her 10th birthday that day and completely without me. While she announced me this "awesome" news with her drunk face and mentality of a toddler, she gave me one Toffifee caramel like I was part of it or what. No idea.
You couldn't make this stuff up.
I still have the present for her I made. Not sure when I'll be able to give it to her. Ridiculous.
I got out after high school and joined the Marines to get away from my narc mom. You have no idea how good it felt and I know it drove her absolutely crazy because she had no control over me anymore. I'm 41 now and she still tries to insert herself into things, but nope
Cur contact. Set boundaries. And get use to the new life you have to build, it won't be easy but you have no other option. Death is forever.
My mom treated strangers so much nicer than she treated me.
Same with my dad and the way he treated us kids and my mom. He'll never admit it but I know what Happened.
@@colepuleo6809 I'm so sorry you had to experience that.
Yep. Me too
That's normal for narcissists. My mom treated all five of us children like crap, but people who were totally unconnected with us just raved about how wonderful she was.
@@edennis8578 SAME!! It was sickening
they ruin your life and blame it on you, there's little to add
Well, there is nothing you can add, they have already taking everything from you.
@@voidwalker7774 Including all family support systems and an inheritance later in life.
Sounds like a social worker / politicians!!
@@BlackSheep380 family support was withdrawn from me in an attempt to punish me for having children before marriage. Unless I fully give up my children over to them, they will always breadcrumb the support for me and my children
Same here.
I felt I needed to apologise for existing, for taking up space. 😢
I can relate, still downplaying my whole life
Yep! That’s it!
I was an inconvenience and only useful for how much money I can hand over. Even then, there is no gratitude, only you owe me.
Same here.
I'm from a very large family. We have always been blamed for mother working, the fact we did not much money, messy house... Whenever we questioned the fact they had so many of us, we were hit with, "Well, who do you want us to get rid of?"
"X sibling?"
My mother told me nothing about nothing. Not how to cook or pay bills and definitely nothing about sex, except that it was okay so long as you're married. Turns out she wasn't married and was under age! She rewrites history on most topics!
Mine also taught me nothing, yelled at me to get out of her kitchen. And then they make fun of you or scold you for not knowing the basic things they never taught you!!
Well that is not uncommon most of us didn’t learn basic domestic skills
It's crazy growing up in complete neglect because at 30 I'm finally understanding things that people know in teenage years. I never had any parents tell me anything. So, I got taken advantage of and didn't know things about life that severely affected me in adult life.
@@Dobermanmomma At age 72 I think I’m getting the hang of cooking for myself!
Mine forgets a lot … she can’t remember most mean things she did ! But, if I did something bad or wrong I still hear about it years later! Great memory when it comes to my imperfections
I survived two narcissist parents. Barely.
Yes. I am 52 & still unlearning all the garbage they filled my head with.
RESPECT!!! We need to keep fighting this BS!!!
Me too
oh shit I guess Im clocking out if it can take that long
Same. I'm 46 and currently working on it as well. Been trying to unravel the mess the past 10 years.
Same here, 54 and hindsight is fueling the process, keep trying and stay positive
I can't tell you how many times I got called a whore for things like wearing nail polish or shaving my legs.
Same 😔
I wasn't allowed to wear the color black, for the same reason. Guess what color makes up the majority of my wardrobe now?
Same here too. I liked black and was told I had a black soul. NOT!
For having breasts.
True story, we are often called that here in Canada but heck, winter's long and summer's hot! My bf told me her mom said, as teens we went with our butts hanging out (not true and prob illegal pre-G-string wear) and I thought it was odd she'd mention it to me... Onto to her mom never liking me... (And?) The dad read my bf's diary, had a fit she was dating my bro, they married, dad died and bro made mom happy widow for ate teen yrs, 5 doors over my sister in law that dumb, they're still married! 😊
Dreams, hopes, self, self-esteem and confidence, choices, diet. They never encouraged me when it came to jobs and career
Do you have a sibling? It was rough watching mine encouraging one but not me because my dreams were too….”ambitious”? Not sure. Lol.
@@queentrinicorn9441 no sadly no. I was an only child. But then again, I had cousins and friends that my parents put me into competition with for their praise and affection 🙄
I’d prefer that to encourage and then rug pull…
@@antonivi8968they used to do that too. Everything I wanted to do in life… but then changed their mind and now they treat me like a child. They even told me it was unrealistic to do a basic internship whereas everyone else is praised to the highest skies 🌌
When I faced discrimination, my dad viewed it as justified because I "was completely unlikable", "look like a criminal", etc. etc..
Every single contact with him and his family turned abusive as I look like my mom.
The weird thing is that while my mom is of mixed European / First Nations Ancestry,
my dad is of European, Native American & African Ancestry.
Unlike my dad's family & my sister, I couldn't hide my non-white ancestry as I have a typical broad Native Build and other Native Features that make me stand out...
I'm 36. I'm just now starting to understand that what I went through wasn't normal. Growing up it's all you know, because there aren't any boundaries to begin with, you don't realize there should be. My parents never once hit me, but the emotional and mental shit they did instead has me twisted up for years. The more I stay away, the more I realize how toxic my normal was.
yeah the invisible things are harder to "prove" because its so many mind games that they're expert in and are always somewhat ambiguous, that in case someone does come close to revealing them, they can claim misunderstanding, its frustrating but it's so helpful to have these online resources that validate our suspicions even if others in the family/friends circle don't see
@@AA-iy4gmyes exactly. I know this is probably going to sound insane to some people but sometimes I wish she’d been physically abusive because then I’d have the physical scars to prove it and I would have gotten out a lot sooner.
Good for you I was 42 before I started really understanding how badly I was being abused. I’m really glad as awful as this sounds that I was able to tell my dad off before he died and I’m working on how angry I am that my vile mother and morbidly obese repulsive sibling are still alive! I’m sure they are an affront to God.
I just started reading the book:
It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People
Ramani Durvasula
I grew up the same way with my mother not respecting my boundaries. I had few other friends that behaved the same way. Then 1 day I had enough of 1 person and the light turned on and started disconnecting from others. It was amazing some of the friendships were 20+ years old.
My biggest issue from having a narcissistic parent is saying no in every avenue of life. I'm 46 and have a hard time telling people no because I feel like I'm letting them down. This is a VERY hard thing for me to overcome
No doesn't require an explanation, ever!!!!
I am turning 46 this year, too. It feels like an age when we should know better, be better, and have it all figured out. But we stared at a huge deficit, so please give yourself some grace. It took me a LONG time just to stop volunteering for things even without being singled out and asked. We feel the need to prove our worth as ACON. But, I noticed this and worked on it actively. It was so hard that I literally had to bite my tongue to keep quiet in those circumstances in the beginning, but now I stay quiet with ease. Next was requests from acquaintances, then friends. Last is the people closest to me. This I haven't yet been able to accomplish, but I'm trying, and one day, it will feel natural, too.
Take baby steps. Praise yourself out loud (when you are alone, lol) when you succeed and give yourself a BIG hug and lots of understanding when you don't. You are learning all of this for the first time, and it feels "wrong." It will get better. I am cheering for you!!!
Feel you. It is fascinating that feeling. I am fairly disagreeable but I still know exactly that paralysing shame.
@ladygracesparkles that's it isn't it you don't have to explain anything to anyone if you don't want to!
Yep. So accurate. Im 63 now and see clearly that i was raised to fail. Lifes been like walking in wet cement.
It’s not too late… 🤗
The way I was shamed for eating, sleeping or not being productive 24/7
Always productive, no rest allowed while she rested all day
I can relate to this!
Yo fr
Moved out at 22 and never looked back except to see how far I've come 😊
Wow!! I admire you. ✨💖
Nice.
Bless you for having such a strong sense of self so young. I didn’t figure my mom was covert narcissist and her family was a virtual cult to abuse and personality disorders until I was 65!!
You have never had one second of regret, either. You did the best & bravest thing you could do for yourself. Well done. It will always be a management job. But you set yourself up to have a real chance in life. I’m so glad you left your comment for others to see.
Me too!
make sure you're as far away as possible from your parents... you can't do this in their presence... they will be offended that you're taking care of you
That's why no-contact is so important & why it's often 👀 as the "gold standard" when you're dealing with narcs, sociopaths, etc.
Ha ha offended that you take care of you.... Yep. Truth.
What do you mean I can't bang the door a top volume whenever I want just because you have PTSD... You're so selfish...
Exactly.
They will even invest more energy into ruining your attempts at getting better, just so that they don't have to see proof of their failure at looking at themselves, maintaining they've always been the victim and there is no way out of their fate.
My brother just took himself out because of this my heart is shattered. Idk what to do with myself. I will always keep trying and striving though even more now because I have to be strong because he couldn't. What was hard before is now even harder. He's the only one who really truly understood. Now he's gone. Idk it is such a weird loss. And now I cannot even talk to my family because it was already very strained before. God bless us all. How I wish my brother could have learned from channels like this. He just kept pushing me away.
The fear continues even when you’re no longer in their presence as an adult.
They ruined my childhood and now I’m struggling with relationships in adulthood. I hope I can sort myself out in the end. They are the gift that keeps on giving!
Don't worry, your day will come!❤
Just don’t give up on you. Practice lots of self care, and seek professional help. You cannot unravel this awful ball of trauma alone. I’m 65 & still discovering, learning, now growing.
We better refuse such gift :)
In German the word means poison. The dose matters. We can grow or be overwhelmed. Cleansing our system again and again..brain cells are more stubborn than other cells in our body:)
You are not alone! Strongly recommend learning about attachment theory/styles. Never too late to become a healthy adult.
I am 61 years old, and still struggle with relationships and life in general. I now have to take care of this still abusive, narcissistic parent. Having an abusive and narcissistic parent truly is a horrible "gift that keeps on giving".
Wish I had had your help decades ago.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Yes I definitely agree wish he was around for all of us
Worst thing I learned from them that its wrong to want anything. Which is kind of lighthouse for a healthy adulthood.
Yes I used to feel it was wrong to want certain things as well!
When someone dares to stand up to these people as i did they always claim they got laid into for no reason just to wind you up even more!
Thing is no one lays into anyone for no reason as I certainly don't but with them where there's no sense there's no feeling either!
they ruined.......every day of my life
I'm so sorry, it's brutal dealing with these people...I sincerely hope your days moving forward are so much brighter🕊️.
They ruined Daily life; &grinned while I cried. 2 monsters.!
Hugs dear. They didn't get every day of mine....but they sure got way too much.
And people act like we exaggerate but it really is...every...fucking day
@@catathelizard They 💭 we're exaggerating at least until they eventually end up becoming a victim in some way to 1 of these monsters themselves that is... It's easy to not believe in 🦈s until you eventually get bit.There's plenty of 🦈s out there nowadays😅.
Ruined our anniversary, birthdays by making it about herself. Mine ridiculed me over anything & everything. She'd mock me, laugh, stupid comments, you name it! Like I was an inept imbecile. She taught me nothing except for being threatened and bowing down to her demands/expectations. I was very shy, clammed up never say no sayer until I realized what she did to me. I now come out swinging and never hold back. I speak my mind and say no!
❤🙌🏾
You’re still in contact?? lol asking because this sounds exactly like my mom and my sister and I went no contact 13 years ago.
@@billyb4790 no contact is much easier with non-family. Sometimes, no contact is not possible. Until it is. And the reason why the only solution IS no contact is because the only way to survive is to, quote, "come out swinging and never hold back."
I can relate. My mom makes a big deal of my wedding anniversary and my sister's every year. We're each creeped out and would like to focus on our relationship with our husband on the day. My sister eloped in her 30s to keep my parents out of her wedding. I wish I had thought of that when I married a decade earlier. I took pains to conceal where my husband and I spent our wedding night, but I still felt haunted by my parents that night. I was sure they were going to track me down and knock on our door at any moment. I'm so glad it wasn't the first time we had sex. That was much more private and special, before I had told my parents about him. My mom used to spy on me all the time when I was growing up. She was obsessive. Once she knew I was dating my now-husband (shortly before cell phones, unfortunately) she often called me really early in the morning to make sure I was at home. Half the time I was at his place.
Good job! It’s still so hard and I feel so proud of you. Smart cookie.
Tangentially: the typical “there’s no guidebook for parenting and they did the best that they could” is a LIE that older generations like to tell to avoid accountability like they’ve always done.
There doesn't need to be a "guidebook for parenting" if actual love is involved. These narcs don't have the ability to love anyone but themselves.
It’s that or “I had it so much worse”. Total deflection.
They had Dr. Spock, who, according to my therapist, is to blame for my parents’ generation’s philosophy of letting kids raise themselves.
@@Carlotta_Lee_Raywhile out the other side of their mouth they proclaim, "my parents were so awful I promised never to be like them, you are lucky!"
A therapist once said this with my second-generation egotistical "mom" who, after I explained to the therapist of how she allowed her parents to withhold food from me as punishment and lock me in dark rooms (having me develop an ED and nyctophobia as a result), told said "mom" "You did the best you could, and that's enough."
And told me "You need to talk to your mom more, there's no such thing as a perfect parent."
It accidentally reinforced a belief where I misinterpreted others actions all the time and should always see them as having good intentions, so it's wrong to be hurt by them because they'd be hurt by me saying as much. Had to unlearn a lot and still re-learning things that I used to know.
I don't want my "mom" to be perfect. I needed her to be motherly.
Normal things Narcissistic parents ruined for you? Everything!!!
When they ruin your image they can be viewed as ruining "everything"...
My dad treated me as his personal punching bag and his family joined in...
My big sin, having too much Native Blood to pass for White, but then why did he marry my mom???
Absolutely
Exactly
they do ruin everything. ❤ to all.
100 %
They should teach this stuff in school. There are a LOT of kids out there who don’t realise what’s going on and have no help with this stuff.
ikr I used always walk by the school counselor's office look inside but never went in. I guess there was food on the table and there were no bruises everything was ok. All the damage was done mentally.
Kids who are truly hurting and want to know will find these videos, but teaching it in school will result in good parents being accused of being selfish narcissists because they tried to enforce a curfew or something. If you don't believe me, head on over to Reddit's threads about narc parents. Kids are asking "How do I go no contact and still get sperm donor to pay for college?" and one girl posted "I used to get these really bad tantrums, so my narc mother would hug me to prevent me from damaging anything, even though I didn't want to be touched". People got banned for suggesting such parents were not narcissists, so it can be overdone.
I didn't realize there was anything wrong in my relationship with my parents until I was in my 30's. My grandmother lived seventy miles away and had become too old to live alone. When she moved in with my parents, she was appalled by their behavior and how they lived their lives. Before that, my mom had me convinced it all my fault. I was a bad daughter and an incompetent person. Thank you, Grandma for never making me earn your love.
Yes! I didn't realize that my mother was a narcissist until I was almost 40!
Unfortunately knowing about it doesn't help, as a toddler I was able to understand my mother was lying, pretending and modifying her reactions to me, I didn't believe what she was telling me and in fact I don't remember ever believing her but the fact that I had to see my mother as a posessed, fake, emotionally ill NPC had an even deeper impact on my nervous system and completely ruined my worldview and mental health. Before I could speak I remember thinking my mom needs to grow up so I can help her. It still fucks you up.
The problem with narcissistic parents is they're usually long-lived due to their self preserverance. Cutting ties is the only way out, as hard as that is.
My mother is nearly 80. She is healthier than myself and my other remaining sisters combined. My eldest sister became a heroin addict despite being raised in a family with zero drug issues at all. She’s recovered now in her late 50’s and finally has the education and career she was told she’d never achieve.
My next sister became a functional alcoholic who drowned in the bath in 2019 after having an alcoholic seizure. She’d had no contact with my parents for years and lived with a couple who believed she was an orphan.
My next sister has myasthenia gravis and a brain tumour which is currently being treated with gamma knife after an ongoing lifestyle of substances, partying, general upheaval and bonkerness.
I have stomach issues that almost completely control my life brought on by stress. I have an arm fully of ugly scars as a pleasant little reminder.
My mind is a mixture of anger and guilt about said anger.
If you have children or form lasting HEALTHY relationships I beg you, please break the cycle.
The Boomers are long-lived because of Capitalism coddling them and their parents when they were younger than we are now. "Perseverance" or "preservation" or whatever has nothing to do with it. They got coddled.
I have Myasthenia Gravis as well and a narc mother. Also several other illnesses. Barely made it out. Now at 4 years no contact I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my WHOLE life!!
@@livinglifefullywithlove1328 bless you mate. I hope you continue to heal 🫶🏻
I haven't spoken to my birth person in over two years, she's as cruel and ambivalent as she is old. If she makes it to October, she'll be 94. She'll probably outlive ALL her kids, she's too mean to die. 🤬
My parents absolutely destroyed any memories or emotions with regards to my first house, my wedding and my first pregnancy.
I really hope you've been able to enjoy things moving forward, having them 💩 on your wedding & 1st pregnancy would be very horrible.A lot of them despise it when you're pregnant because you tend to get more attention from others & also they know you'll be paying more attention to your baby instead of their 💩🤢.
😞
To all of the people who have left comments here, thank you! I see myself in every single comment.
Sending you all love & light & solidarity! Hold your heads up walk proudly in this world! We did not allow their narcissism to turn us into ugly people!
Thank you Jerry Wise! Your videos are always on point, easy to follow and you validate us & give us a voice! Our voice! ❤
My pleasure helping out!😊
I was the only child my mother could control. She was a battered wife. And all her other children wouldn't allow her to control them. She hated my husband because she could no longer control me. But she messed me up so badly. I realize now I married him to get away from her. And unfortunately he was a serial cheater and addicted to porn. I told myself I deserved this because she instilled a sense of worthlessness in me. I will never understand why she hates me so much. But I do know that I didn't do anything wrong. It was her. Not me. I've gone no contact with her and I have peace.
I know exactly how you feel. Bcs my lunatic narc mother i had wrong decision to live with ( back then ) junkie ex, lived hell with him one year and a half. I thought that was good chioice back then 😢 i was so desperate so i did few things to myself which i regret. It was all chain reaction, escaping from her, to live with that ex, than i've got sick physically and mentally. I hope to go no contact finally with her one day.
Yesss. She is not hating you. She is just jelous and she hates her self. She is projecting.
Do you resemble your dad physically? That might be it (not like that type of person needs a reason).
@@irinamladenoska7539 she's not loving her either ? She hates them both
@@aimeem no. I don't look like either of them. Lol. Despite everything she did to me. All the way that she hurt me. I never resented her and I never blamed her. She had so much to deal with with the kind of mother she had My grandmother was terrible. I'm at 16 she left that and got pregnant and went straight to my dad and he beat her terribly. Is cheated on her He never provided. Everything she went through doesn't justify what she did to me It never will. But because of what she went through I do believe in my heart that she believes she did her best. All I ever wanted from her was to hear her sing that she loves me too and that she was proud of me. It took years for me to understand I was never going to get that. I was only going to get her team but she still would be inflicting if I kept her in my life. He doesn't even like my children. I'm a grandmother now and I cannot imagine not loving your grandchildren. I don't hold any resentment for her I do hope that she finds peace in this world. And I am proud that I understand I never need to keep her again and I am okay with that. I stopped letting people make me feel guilty because she was my mother. Yeah she was my mother but she hurt me more than anyone in this world has ever heard me before.
4. We were told we were selfish, self centered, “Your Attitude Stinks” - a lot… when we dared to have authenticity
I was told (repeatedly) that I became a problem when puberty hit. I had a will of my own now and that was problem. For years I would explain that puberty is normal and not something I could help (how sad is that) , all while feeling ashamed/guilty for something that I could not help and is normal.
Yep
I got told that I was supposedly ungrateful when I was growing up which was rubbish!
Fun fact, as long as they are alive they will continue to attempt, & in many cases succeed in ruining your life.
The inheritance is their last coup d'é·tat 😁😉
@@BlackSheep380Pre-emptivly signed out of mine. While the parent was on the death bed. Took away even that control from her.
One thing I’ve never seen addressed is that so many children of narcs are “trapped in the minutiae of life”. They never see the big picture of anything and never plan ahead.
Why do you think that is? I've never heard of that.....but I am definitely "stuck" in the minuate, as you say. Can you please elaborate on the meaning? The reason?
do you mean instant gratification? lack of patience to prepare? a self destruction of sorts? i spend a lotta time in Philippines and many, usually American men come through my association. high iq types with no accomplishments. philippines is seductive to men who were abused in western culture. available ladies, dollar goes farther, laid back people. i see men spending all their monies to please the new girlfriend and her family. they deal with the poor and desperate not upper classes. often they’re cared for in good faith but financial philosophies differ but love starvation is what it is. all of these people are intelligent and interesting. unstable lives are interesting. when they’re risking pregnancies with unstable women, or i see they’re over spending i find they come with limited savings it’s not a place for an American especially if white to self destruct. i manage to convince them by guessing correctly they’re narc survivors to fly out before they’re stuck with babies, illicit debts ie gambling or loan shark. reached a point i’m unfriendly to americans in passing as the acquaintanceship can be costly or high risk your comment gets me thinking that many children of cluster-b parenting impatiently crave remedial instant gratification with a self destructive component. some survivors learned enough come with developed self control and can make it although they’re still on a rickety roller coaster.
There is something called a sense of foreshortened future. Growing up in total chaos, poverty, physical and emotional abuse, I could never plan for the future. Academically. Financially. As far as finding a suitable life partner and having children. Buying a house... it just goes on and on. I feel like I'm at least 20 years behind my peers but making progress now. One time age 16 my dad told me, "You will never live to the age of 20" because my sister told him I was on drugs. Well FU, I'm 57 and now living a very healthy life in the south of France. Had to focus all my life energy on having a career and getting away from them.
@@firehorse9996 so u get what i’m saying about expatting.
Because they couldn't mentally develop properly as children, I guess
extreme school bullies and parents isolated me completely from the surrounding world, no play, no love and worst, they even starved me, i don't know how i survived this hellscape
What church did they go to??
You are not alone. Hugs.
So sorry to hear that 😮 you are strong to make it this far. Hugs and keep going 😅
When I was a kid, I loved to read. I would literally read one book a day during summer break. My narcissistic father took exception to my hobby. He told me i wasn't allowed to read the books i loved to read. I think he wanted my attention, and saw my reading as depriving him of his "supply". When he told me i wasn't allowed to read my books, I immediately stopped reading. I went from 1 book a day, to not reading a single book for years. I still can't read books, they are too triggering.
I feel for you. I just told a friend today how I would avoid or nearly detest things once dear to me because they were taken from me. Like learning an instrument. Still have issues incorporating anything related into my life.
Yes, you are allowed to read as well as not to read. And some things sometimes also had their hayday. Books were a door to the world, music as well something completely removed from daily chores, family issues and other information needing to be filtered, processed. I like how Jerry says don't absorb, just observe.
Our heart keeps beating even if we don't take all to our heart.
My father was functionally illiterate. He saw me pursuing art or reading a book as a waste of time, so he would give me a list of chores every day, especially over the summer, to keep me "productive" all day,when I wasn't busy taking care of my little brothers 😮💨
I feel ya'!
I worked at a book store, very nice job! I was 17 and on my own, '79 and glad to be away from mom but still on my own at her request, no books on narcissism then of course but lots of what makes/how to be happy, guess a learned skilled and haven't looked back yet, narcs pride themselves at removing ours, their goal, horrible creatures, if your lack of love for books sets you free so be it, many have it worse off... Mom's trigger of they deserved it haunts me, even seeing a damaged tree, wounded bird/bug has that "It deserved it" right up front in my head, even told my son about it showing him the stupid damage stupids do to us! I then get on with it but think of there's that trigger, enjoy your peace you've earned it!
@@MsOldschool65he was jealous of the pleasure you got like a jerk, you'd think he could have left you alone!
Start reading!!! Reading is a GIFT. Use discernment about what you choose, but with time and wisdom, you’ll sort things out. I would be ruined or possibly dead without the gift of reading. I’m in your corner!
ruined potential relationships, ruined chances of ever having my own family, they are the worst enemy you could imagine
I was the Scapegoat in an abusive, neglectful alcoholic family.
I was regularly beaten. Perfection was demanded.... anything less, was punished.
ALL of the family attention went to my Dad's drinking or my Golden Child older sister's sport.
There was nothing left for me, except beatings.
At 10, I tried to commit suicide. I was kicked out of 6th grade for missing 21 school days in a row. I was in real distress.
My parents didn't seem to notice or care about me at all. If I did well or was a disaster, no one cared. I was just a rotten egg.
By the time I was 12, I was dead inside and a people pleasing codependent. So much of my life, I wished I were never born.
And the abuse continues...
My Golden Child sister is a raging narcissist.
And my husband treats me as if I'm nothing.
Now, I have to figure out how to heal from a lifetime of being treated like I'm worthless, unless I sacrifice all of me for others.
That's tough.
Oh honey big hugs!! Never to late move forward
Maybe start saying no to little things and asking for little things instead. Yes, big hugs, it's not too late to try to change the pattern. This is a very valuable RUclips channel.
1. Immediately plan how to go no contact from all the narcs
2. Take some time to adapt to changes
3. Start getting rid of bad habits (tip: replace with healthy ones)
4. Create "good memories" (tip: join a church, hang out with true disciples of Jesus, pray for and help other victims, build treasures in Heaven. And become "more than a winner")
With love, with God's blessing on top 🙏❤
You are so precious and valuable. You deserved to be treated with dignity like all others. You deserved love and attention and mercy and compassion.
There is a long road of healing ahead, but I promise you can walk it. It starts with little steps and someday, you will have trouble remembering your past self.
This channel is a great resource, but also there are many ways to boost our self esteem and emotional intelligence. Learn the games manipulators and oppressors play so you can spot and reject their games.
One of the hardest concepts for people like us is “Mercy” or “Compassion” … I’m sure you have plenty of compassion for others, but you must be even MORE compassionate and loving to yourself.
No one on this Earth deserves to live under oppression, and God hates the oppressors. If you cannot act against the oppressors yet, at least hate their oppression in your heart… and continue to seek ways to free yourself from their oppression.
Now you are in control of what comes next… your journey has already begun. Trust in you only to take care of you… my husband called me stupid twice… but not a third time. It was a rough time but am happily divorced now
i am 66 years old, grew up with a very narcissistic abusive mother, finally got out and have not have any contact w/her for 5 year now and finally healing inside
I am truly so sad for so many of you here. I was lucky. Covert narcissist mother who tried to deprive me of progression in life. Strong dad who stood up to her and fought on my behalf for my freedoms and ultimately career choice. Now that I'm so much older I can see that he saved me.
I don't think my parents were narcissists but I do think they were incredibly immature and I was emotionally neglected so badly that I think I have similar symptoms to having had narcissistic parents.
There are different types of narcs. They come in all forms too. I used to think mine weren’t but as I kept exploring my past, I realized they are COVERT narcissists. Trust your experience more than the image of ‘parents’ you want to maintain
Labeling doesn't matter, they did the same damage.
I feel this deeply. Probably not narcissists, but trying to find the walls of that hole in my heart has been a struggle. It's hard to notice something you weren't receiving as a child.
@@Cnlg97 this is what I’m realizing now!! One of parents simply doesn’t care, no need to wear a mask. The other one is beloved by all but I know how nasty and cruel she really is. I see her without the mask.
When I started developing I senced that my parents found it disgusting. Their greatest fear was that I would get pregnant.
Same here,my narc father always acted like me getting pregnant would be the worst thing in the world...Even as an adult he basically couldn't understand that I actually always really wanted kids, he couldn't wrap his tiny 🧠 around the fact that I wanted to focus on things that WEREN'T him or his dim-witted antics🤢.
I bet anyone who was told how they would ruin the family name, never did!!! 😂
I know I avoided anything to darken the family reputation, yet it was never realized by them. Still could not do anything right in their eyes. Sigh. They are now dead: the narc and the enabler. I don't miss them. How it goes.
My mother and her mom both would tell me to get on birth control after I had a baby… I had four. I love babies! And I love loving them the way I didn’t receive it as a child! When I announced my fourth pregnancy my mother was actually angry!
@@EdenHeiress They probably couldn't stand you & your babies "taking the spotlight" from them🤢.I hope you were able to go no-contact with them, people like that aren't healthy to be anywhere near & they're not healthy role models for your children...Also generally there's always some type of abusive dynamics at play even with the grandkids😬.
Yes, when my narc mother suggested I develop a good connection with my nieces and nephews because "someday I might need them"... she was really showing her cards there! I realized she is occasionally nice to me so she can keep me roped in, just for practical purposes.
yeah once you see them for who they are you start questioning their other motives/suggestions even the ones that on surface seem perfectly normal - they might be but coming from a healthy person- when they come from a narcissist,.especially a covert one, it's good to ask yourself hmm why are they really bringing this topic up, there's got to be more to it and then the puzzle pieces start coming together over time.
@@AA-iy4gmExactly! Keeping a journal helps me see the patterns and manipulations.
Yep, mine wants a liv in houskeepr, with NO BEnefits, pay, or anything for the future.
This is a phrase I heard almost everytime my parents brought up family members in conversation. Every relationship has to be transactional
same with my family every gift, every gesture of kindness is stored and used later. they view humans as currency to project their false image of goodness.@@counter.123
Mine ruined my adolescent years. All normal rites of passage were offensive to her.
That shit pisses me off more than anything. I grew up with a narcissist controlling dad. It's infuriating for sure. Then I get told I have anger issues. NO you have control issues. And I call it out.
That's it.y two older brothers were allowed to grow up, get married, have kids. I as the only girl got trapped taking care of these two idiots. Ones now gone,.caregiving.the other unfortunately..my time is coming soon
🎉😊
my lunatic narc mother purposefully got a job at my high school only for the 4 years that I was there so that school was not a safe escape place for me. She stole my high school experience- befriended my teachers, flirted with boys, and decided who my friends should and should not be, plus popped up every 2 seconds througout my school day. I was an A+ popular student despite her, and it ruined any happy memories I have of high school
Mom would take me and my buds shopping and to concerts and then say how well we got on, she got jealous that I'd rather hang out with friends at times cuz she's a nut job, she'd act crazy when nice friends came by ruining any healthy future social circles they might lead to, I always wonder what my life may have been like and of course dad was deadbeat but I was more or less ok with that!
Mon méchant père enseignait de la neuvième à la onzième année du lycée, puis j'ai arrêté l'école parce que je n'en pouvais plus.
My mother was a school teacher so there was no escaping it.
It's awesome you were an A+ student . You have a strong mind and a top ofn the line drive and work ethic to be able to accomplish this in the face of daily harrassment, put downs, marginalization abuse, etc. I guess she stole your high school experience, but as an adult you can be personally responsible to give yourself the best life possible.
That is awful. The behavior is very familiar however. My mom would try to befriend my friends behind my back and talk bad about me, think every man is in love with her. She doesn’t like me because I am authentic and she is unable to ever be. No contact is leading me to healing.
I'm 63 and only just now discovering what was wrong with my whole childhood. My mother ticked every one of these boxes.
It was so weird what they cared about. Wasn’t allowed to exist as a person, but god forbid you didn’t exist as a tool for their desires.
My children threw me a 60 year old birthday party. i didnt have birthday parties as a child. My narc mom kept giving me a hard time about having a party. She came and some how managed to convince some church ladies how wonderful she was. So later I had to listen to people speaking about how great she was. I plan to not have a party until Im 90. She won't show up to that one.
Had one party in 5th grade was able to invite 3 friends. That was the only party I had at my house. I did not go to other children's parties, except for one or two in elementary school years. I disliked the socialization. I suspect I may not have been told of the other potential parties from other children as the mother I had (being we were all adopted) was very controlling and demanding of us. Sad, really.
@privateinfo1711 Don't let that witch rob you of ANY MORE JOY!! Look for any excuse to celebrate you and life and sashay through the event with a beautiful smile on your beautiful face. Prepare a few phrases to shut her down in advance and rehearse them in the mirror. If necessary, DO NOT INVITE HER. Girl, please do you and thrive!!!
you obviously did a good job with your kids. concentrate on them and dont forget to buy yourself nice things for your own birthday!
So many unhappy experiences, but my high school graduation was treated like it was just something to get off of a checklist. I remember being so upset, that I did not go home after graduation. I drove around for over an hour in the car, and came home to be yelled at by my narc. mom...I continued on hating my birthday, holidays, ect....
💔💝
They are sooo self obsessed and incapable of empathy or love. She probably hated your big day as it was not about her it was about you. Once you start to heal you stop being affected so deeply and perceive how pathologically inadequate and empty- souless they are. Aim for total indifference towards them hun ... none are worthy of anything else.
for the parenting, I would posit that narcissists overparent in some areas and underparent in others.
THIS IS EVERYTHING 🎯!! They robbed me of everyday life experiences. All fear based as an attempt to CONTROL. Why? Fear. Terribly DAMAGING!! 💔
They ruined my life in so many ways. Agree with you Jerry, it's never to late to have a happy childhood.
I don't like hearing about them they stoled enough.i got no time.
Holidays, going out in public places like restaurants or malls. It was embarrassing!
A scene just had to be made 😢
My mother started telling me she loved me when I turned 50. I never heard those words before growing up. Its still a complete shock to me every time she says those words.
She says it to make you feel obligated to her, so you will take care of her in her old age.
It's just manipulation
@@rubberbiscuit99true
Yes, same here. But its really confusing and I feel very unsafe and manipulated again with her sudden extreme Love expressions.
@@rubberbiscuit99That’s exactly right. My mom came and took care of me when I had my baby. I thought she had changed. She showed her true face shortly after when a disagreement happened.
How about… they ruined EVERYTHING. They now have no access to me or my children as I won’t let them ruin one more thing!
Ruined any chance of her own children having relationships with each other because of the triangulation.
Sounds like my mom pitting me and my two siblings against each other or picking which one was her favorite or doing better. Then gossiping about the other siblings. She still does it to this day and we are 40, 43 and 46. I'm the oldest.
I am 65 and experiencing this. Age did not improve the old narc. In my world I refer to her as the ex mother.
88comments in 2 hours?!! Struck a nerve with many and I always thought I was alone in this kind of craziness.
My narrcistic parent would made us work for his relatives doing errands for them his works too and beat hell out us for having low grades.Violence was his answer for
Asking questions.You are super human if you tolerated these pschos and moved on to have stable life
I hate holidays and just want to stay at home and not want to deal with the "obligations" of the get togethers. Makes me miss when I lived out of state and could do my own thing
I could have written this! I'm back in close proximity to my mother and other troublesome family members... I really want to get distance again.
You can still do your own thing & create your own holiday traditions even if you're not living too far away.The beauty of being an adult living in your own home is that it's ultimately up to you in regards to who you allow in it & who you decide to visit.Things like no-contact for example can be difficult at least at 1st because these types usually will come out of the woodworks to try to hoover you back into the fray...But it's important to stand your ground even if they try to hoover or have flying 🐒s try to pester you.
Whne I loved back to the same city, after being 2000 miles away for 20 years, I let them know via email that I was retired from family gatherings. They didn't buy it,but I just didn't make myself accessible to them. You can do it.
Its a catch 22, when youre faced with having to see family on the holidays, all you can think of is anxiety and stress that comes with it. If youre alone, it feels lonely to see everyone making plans and then I always felt like a charity case when someone invited me to their holiday.
I don’t go anymore. Tell my mom to pretend I’m still living out of state.
Also a note about healthy love: if and when you do find it with another person, they try to ruin it.
I think my boyfriends mother did this
Those things got ruined. And it's NOT MY FAULT.
and it's not your fault, too.
Yeees...been practicing this
My once a month after school book club was too much of an inconvenience for my stepmother because it cut into her time. I was so discouraged from pursuing any passion because it took time, attention and possibly money away from her and her children.
That’s unfair. You didn’t deserve that.
@@Carlotta_Lee_Ray I agree. Unfortunately my dad left all parenting to her because he didn't want to deal with her attitude towards him if he disagreed with her. As soon as I hit 18 I fled.
I grew up afraid of EVERYTHING. As I grew into adulthood, I’d tell people I was afraid of the man on the Quaker Oats barrel 😢🙁. Grew up being terrified of both parents…narcissistic mother, over bearing rule by intimidation father. I had to come to grips with it …..eventually did with help from various mental health professionals. One advised me I was living in Trauma Time instead of Real Time. That helped tremendously, as I suffered some manner of trauma on a daily basis, so just about everything in my adulthood life triggered me back to a traumatic childhood memory. While I do have fearful moments-especially when I’m in the presence of men- I can back myself down from the proverbial cliff I’m hanging on & go on with my day. Thank you for your videos. They’ve helped give me good food for thought.
At 47 years old, I'm only recently understanding that my mother is a narcissist and that my entire life has not been just my imagination. Unfortunately, the children she stole from me and now the grandchildren that have been kept from me will never know the truth and I'll probably feel the horrendous emptiness forever. That being said, I want to thank you for the selfless time spent in guiding survivors to healing. It's so overwhelming to learn that the one person I was supposed to look up to and trust, could hurt me and forever change the course of so many lives. Her own flesh and blood -"love" forever tainted
They ruin childhood and adolescent friendships. I now watch a whole community of people from the outside because she turned these people against me as an adolescent. I remember being so confused by it all.
I understand. I’m sorry 😢
Gald you mentioned sex. My mom was a man hater because of how my dad treated her. And my dad was more obsessed with me having sex than i was. He's just assumed even when I had a boyfriend 2 minutes alone we would just go ahead and do it. As I've gotten older I've realized it was my dad's own obsession with sex that drove his thinking to just assume everyone else is like that. So polar opposites and VERY confusing.
Grateful for this channel!
My sociopathic narc father was determined to not let me be intimate with the man I love back when we were teens....I just had my beloved come over while he'd be at work during the evening/nights😉.It was pretty %#$&ed up though because my DAD made me feel almost as if I were cheating on a husband or something by simply being intimate with my beloved🤢🤮.
I struggle with lots of aspects of life, and one of them is perfectionism. I really love how you say if it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly. I know you dont mean that literally but I'm someone that will put off doing something i should do because I'm afraid i wont do it perfect or even decently but for many things, getting started means doing it badly, its ok, its ok. This is how we learn, this is how we grow. Hiding doesn't accomplish anything.
I'm having to learn not to be overly critical & tell myself it's a learning opportunity- I will get better. You never get better if you never even try. I saw something recently where someone talked about narcissistic abuse survivors asking "what's the point?"
Sometimes the point is that it makes me happy & it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or if there are mistakes.
You have to make mistakes to learn, it's part of the process, if people make you feel stupid for getting something wrong then keep as far away as possible from them whilst you learn and prosper
It was so startling for me to hear him say that, because I’ve grown up with the literal saying, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well.” I kid you not that I hear those EXACT words in my head before and during just about every task in life, large or small. I wonder what it would do to me if I tried changing it to his version instead. It’s almost terrifying even though I know the pressure I put on myself to do every single little thing well is exhausting and often times leads to avoidance of things I really should do.
I told my mother that her boyfriend sexually abused me.. her response was "What do you want me to do about it?!". It was like a slap in the face. She said do you want me to call the police or tell him to leave?! I hurt myself because I could see she wasn't happy so I told her no no don't call the police. I was 10, she kept seeing him till I was 20 years old. She put him out because he stopped buying milk for the house. I hurt myself greatly
Big hugs to you. You did nothing wrong 🤗 I pray you heal and know you are a beautiful soul. Treat yourself like it today ✨️
Horribly destructive, sorry about that. Take courage and fight to be the best version of you.
True story, my older bro told me 3 yrs ago a teacher screwed my older overt coke head sis when she was in gr 8, in gr 6 this same guy stood behind me and felt me off but hysterical because I was very active and flat as a board, I told no one... Who'd I tell, my sis very skinny even no milk when babies came (had to see my bro in law feel her off after delivery to confirm 😝 🙈, so maybe old teacher was looking for change from me or trying to get me going for future hook up ? 🤷 So whom I gonna tell, unbelivable, I saw him a few yrs later he was teaching at my high school he couldn't look me in the eye, guess not aye!
I shared a bad experience when I was a kid where an older cousin molested me. I was less than 5. She stared at me blankly like she always does when I share someone abusing me
@@joseenoel8093 sigh... 😞💔 Absolutely heartbreaking.. u & your sister. The best revenge is to recover from the heartbreak
This video summed up my entire childhood. Especially the fear mongering and sex talk. The addition of religion manipulation adds another layer to the cake. It's taken years to undo the damage and I'm still working on it but more confidently. Thank you Jerry for producing yet another amazing, introspective video on this challenging topic.
I heard an interview with John Carpenter once who said he found inspiration for his horror films in memories of family holidays when he was a child.
My relationship with my mother has been terrible for as long as I could remember. She never told me she hated me she didn’t have to I could feel it . A month ago at age 52 I finally told her I believe she is undiagnosed mentally ill and I understand why she behaved in the manner she did towards not only me but my brother as well . I told her I no longer want any contact with her ever again . She said she accept that and just like that the wicked witch is no longer in my life I am free and in peace .
I'm still trying to accept that having no contact is best, but I can't bring myself to reach out (and logically I know that is best). Maybe in death he will finally understand. Sending you love, peace, and acceptance. ❤❤
@@tashasmith1234 I appreciate that . I’m 52 it took this long for me to finally close the door to my mother who every time I tried to reconnect with her she would only behave nice for a short amount of time then the demonic toxic behavior would seep back in - she would do and say the meanest hateful things to me and expect me to take it . She met my son when he was 5. I never told my son anything negative about her , I never discuss the past . My son went to visit her while I was at work , when I picked him up hours later he told me how cruel and mean spirited she and her husband was towards him and when he cried she slapped him . I knew he wasn’t lying because that’s how she treated me . I never allowed him to be around her without me being present after that . She has always been a bully . I do not feel bad that I told her to never contact me again . I finally stood up to the bully .
Years ago, when I lived at home, I remember my mom doing something really weird. My mom baked a cake in a rectangular pan. I was sitting at the kitchen table talking with my sister and a friend. I never expected a cake. My mom put a cake rack on the table and dropped it on the rack and the cake broke in half. No icing. She mumbled happy birthday and walked out of the kitchen. She had absolutely no emotion. I would never had done that to anyone, but I was used to her acting like an empty shell.
My narcissistic father told me that my mother never wanted me. Being born 12 years after my only sibling I already felt like the odd man out.
My father told me the same thing
Same thing
I came home with a few marks that were 90%, i remeber for one exam i got 95%, all my mother saod to me was "wheres the other 5%".
🥺
One schoolyear I got a total of 48 A’s on my report card. My mom’s response: “Too bad it wasn’t 50.”
I brought home and worked so hard for an A. I got, why didn't you get an A+? Feeling so proud of that A just went in the toilet.
Mmm that sounds familiar
I remember coming home with an A and my dad said, why not A+?
How about nearly everything
You speak my mind 😅
What you invest in your children when they are young, you'll get back when they're adults. Invest wisely
Thank you for sharing this. I really love your videos. 🙏😊 Everything you say is on point. I'm listening to you discuss the loss of self. I'm 49, and I still struggle with this.
I'm 48. This was a GREAT video. It cleared up a lot of things where I blamed myself. Also I understand why I have fear issues. Still have to work through it.
Wonderful! Thank you so much!
I don't think my narcissistic father ever loved me. Also nagged on my weight as I got older. Never said I was pretty, always a burden.
Same!
It's like you met my mother, wrote downs some notes, then made a video on her 😮💨
Thank you for this. At 56 years old, I finally understand why I never believed in love. Unfortunately, as a profoundly gifted person, I'm like a Martian among Earthlings. Everyone dislikes and misunderstands me eventually, so there's no resolving fear of others, as it's absolutely warranted.
You are far better off re-parenting yourself, than ever having someone else re-parent you. Get a friend you can ask for advice, who respects your boundaries, if you need info from someone older.
It can work well in some scenarios but I'm assuming it's rare...I got the man I love when we were only 12 & I essentially raised him emotionally and taught him a good sense of morality.Both his parents were narcy & didn't care for his emotional needs at all so he latched onto me instead & has always 👀 me as "mom".I deeply cherish our unique tender bond obviously but I do always wish he'd been able to have that from birth with his biological parents though.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, good golly was there a camera in my house growing up?! Jerry here talking about my childhood like he lived through it 😅. Best thing I ever did was 100% disconnecting from Narcissist, sadly they are beyond redemption. Second best thing I did was get therapy, including these great videos. ❤
Here's what redemption is about Zera...[Jhn 3 NLT]. 16 "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. ... 18 "There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God's one and only Son. 19 And the judgment is based on this fact: God's light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. 20 All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. 21 But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants." (Jesus speaking).
31 "He has come from above and is greater than anyone else. We are of the earth, and we speak of earthly things, but he has come from heaven and is greater than anyone else. 32 He testifies about what he has seen and heard, but how few believe what he tells them! 33 Anyone who accepts his testimony can affirm that God is true. 34 For he is sent by God. He speaks God's words, for God gives him the Spirit without limit. 35 The Father loves his Son and has put everything into his hands. 36 And anyone who believes in God's Son has eternal life. Anyone who doesn't obey the Son will never experience eternal life but remains under God's angry judgment." (John the Baptist speaking)
Everything that makes life worth living.
very painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
You're very welcome ❤
Love for a narcissist parent is a utility and functional and transactional and involves conformity and is very conditional- there’s no tender heart connections and no vulnerability AT ALL
It feels smothering, controlling, aggressive , cold , sadistic, competitive, dark, conditional, and judgmental
I only have a transactional relationship where I give, give, give until I am torn apart.
That list is hauntingly accurate 👍
They only call you when they want you to do something for them.
Yes my mother is very toxic and I have many fears about the world. I'm trying to parent myself as I grow older.
But now you are very confident and videos are with good quality. ❤
Thanks a lot 😊
@@jerrywise I like your work a lot. I am a child of one alcoholic and one covert narc parent. I was a codependent, now a recovering codependent, more towards self love abundant. Your job made a hudge impression to me. Thank you!
I had both ends of the spectrum concerning sex. My mother's two sisters sexualized me at an early age...exposing me to porn, telling me about their sex lives, and attempting to hook me up with men more than double my age. I tried to tell my parents some of this, and I was told I was just jealous of them and was trying to divide the family. My parents, on the other hand, never talked to me about sex other than I wasn't supposed to do it. I was called all kinds of names if a relationship ever became more serious and I wanted to start spending any kind of significant time with the person I was seeing. At the time I was engaged to my now husband, I was called so many names that I didn't go on a date with him alone for over 6 months before we got married. We had been engaged for 5 years at the time
Wow, this hits hard.
That’s crazy, so what you’re telling me is both my mother and father are narcissists
My 'Mother" use to so rude about some people.
A single woman having a relationship with an older man...
A married couple who accidentally had a pregnancy and an abortion.
Fine that her friend was 'shagging' the local lothario in her bed.
Fine that apparently both myself and my brother were 'accidents'.
Agreed, they regularly comment on other people's lives in negative ways, as if they themselves are saints or that their excuses and hardships exclude them from others.
On the other hand, they also seem to sound foreshadowing about friends and family that are successful in whatever way, the narcissist comes with comments like "yeah, we'll see how long that lasts, i remember them when they were nothing" or similar things like that
omg nail on the head. devaluing and talking shit about any and everyone, even if they are experiencing good times its
"well see how long before they screw that up"@@AA-iy4gm
This is absolutely spot on i never had a relationship with a girl growing up until i was 29 my narcissists parents never taught me anything
The picture depainted it unfortunately not exaggerated. I can confirm that behind my back, in the family and elsewhere, my narcissistic father called me a hore, even in front of my daughter, who was only 4 years old.
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood". Thank you for that
❤️
I wish to God that I had just 1 person I could have counted on growing up.😟😭
You do have at least one person---you.
@jerrywise Thank you. I'm 57. Sometimes I think it's too late. It took me decades to figure out how deeply my relinquishment, adoption, and narcisstic adoptee parents impacted me.
You're a good man.
Yes, some of us didn't have anybody at all. No grandma, grandpa, aunts or uncles, or anybody at all. It's hard to understand. I'm not sure why I was born.
@idagirl814 With that experience, I have found that I cannot put any trust in other people. I've learn to only rely on my own instincts and my Higher Power. It is almost liberating, but it came at a very high cost.
This is interesting. I pretty much raised myself and took care of myself. I was pretty much ignored so I didn't realize my mom was narcissistic until recently. She was the opposite of my sister. She was everything you explained here.
My therapist didn't believe me when I told him about my life, from growing up until today.....how I was treated, how I was spoken to, the things my parents and their other children put me through and many other things.
The therapist asked my spouse if I was lying about my life while growing up and about my parents and their other children, and current events.
Yeah, it was that bad.
That's too bad, so sorry. I've felt invalidated by people I came for help too. Pls find another therapist.
What kind of therapist is that? Has he never learned about narcissists? That isn't normal. And talking with your husband about you is an absolut no go. Like the poster before me already said: Find another therapist.
This guy doesn't know what he is doing and his behaviour is not acceptable.
Due to my home life, my grades suffered. Horribly. All I heard was, why can’t you be more like your younger brother and sister. My brother spent his 4. Grade average sitting on a forklift. My sister became a cook in a high school kitchen. I went on to own a corporation troubleshooting computerized factory equipment. I got self back. And the rest followed. Including the childhood!😊
WOW !!! You mentioned about a report card... One year I got all "A's" and one "B" and was not only criticized then but my son found it in some old stuff and mentioned it to my dad when I was over 50 years old and my dad still criticized me and belittled me to my son , bringing up other perceived shortcomings of mine. Sad thing is , he didn't even try to play it off as a joke to save face.
Peace and Quiet ❤
Emotional Manipulation Love throughout childhood into adulthood... 3 failed marriages... can't say no... caretaker here... learning too! But making me look Narcissistic like I don't care... emotional manipulation...