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Thank you so much for this video. It absolutely describes my experience but I’m well on my way to healing now - it can be done. At 60 it’s better late than never 👍
Jerry: One of the easiest ways for a narcissistic mother, father, and family to form a "malignant normalcy" is the birth of a child born with a disability. My mother refused to tell me why. An older sister told me she'd gone to visit a friend when she was pregnant with me. Someone had german measels. I was born with congenital reubella because of it. My left eye is deformed and blind; my right has low vision. Everything you describe here was done to me for over 35 years of my life. Because of my lack of eyesight, I could not get away from them. My father told me I "owed" him for ruining his marriage to my mother and I was responsible for it. My sister told me I owed my mother. She thanked her for saying that. The only way for me to barely survive, was to cower and cry while they laughed at me. I wrote the book INVISIBLE" WHEN FEAR AND SHAME CAUSE YOU TO HIDE. What my mother did to me felt like emotional, and mental incest. My father saw my other sisters before he died but did not want to see me. "I couldn't take that, honey." Before my mother died she called me and said "I love you." I hung up on her. I've had not contact with my sisters since 1992. I stilll live with the damage the family did. I almost died because of them.
Mine would complain that I'm taking up space in the kitchen whenever I try to help her cook.. But she would also always complain that nobody helps her cook 😅 and right on about the same expectation to be crazy rich. She treats me like I'm dumb, so I don't get that expectation very much.. But she always tells my sister to "get a rich husband" because she's prettier and more social.
That sums it up. They make it their business not to teach you skills or anything, and do all they can to isolate you. If you're isolated from important relationships you'll never develop normally. Basically, narcissistic parents cripple and sabotage the child at every point. Then they expect to be taken care of by that same child. So how can the child become a competent caretaker if they never picked up any skills? Maybe narcissistic parents aren't looking for a competent caretaker. Maybe they're just looking for a companion in hell.
Narcissists have the emotional maturity of a toddler. It's literally like being raised by a child with temper tantrums and bullying. I went through childhood as the scapegoat/black sheep. My parents still fail to see how fucked up and dysfunctional their "parenting" was. Very low emotional intelligence and very sick, toxic people who should have helped us, but instead, made everything worse .
🎯 I was the scapegoat as well. I'm now in therapy for C-PTSD because of my narc mother, and it's been extremely difficult de-programming my mind from it all. But am determined to prevail.
We cannot trust because we have been betrayed by the people who were supposed to love and protect us. On top of this we never learned how to trust ourselves.
I hear you my entire family is toxic including extended family like cousins,etc too. The upside is we can learn life skills from experts on the internet so we don’t really need to learn those things from our families anymore. You can catch up
Sorry to hear that. If you need more support, or if you have questions feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
One of the easiest ways for a narcissistic mother, father, and family to form a "malignant normalcy" is the birth of a child born with a disability. My mother refused to tell me why. An older sister told me she'd gone to visit a friend when she was pregnant with me. Someone had german measels. I was born with congenital reubella because of it. My left eye is deformed and blind; my right has low vision. Everything you describe here was done to me for over 35 years of my life. Because of my lack of eyesight, I could not get away from them. My father told me I "owed" him for ruining his marriage to my mother and I was responsible for it. My sister told me I owed my mother. She thanked her for saying that. The only way for me to barely survive, was to cower and cry while they laughed at me. I wrote the book INVISIBLE" WHEN FEAR AND SHAME CAUSE YOU TO HIDE. What my mother did to me felt like emotional, and mental incest. My father saw my other sisters before he died but did not want to see me. "I couldn't take that, honey." Before my mother died she called me and said "I love you." I hung up on her. I've had not contact with my sisters since 1992. I stilll live with the damage the family did. I almost died because of them.
Yep. My dad literally compared me to a cousin of mine who owns a dance studio when I was 40 yrs old by saying how successful she was and then "jokingly" saying "we don't know 'what' happened to 'you' "!! On top of my mom frowning on & discouraging everything I thought about for college. Literally telling me "oh u don't want to do that, u want to do A, B , and C!!". Yeah, well I know "exactly" what 'happened' to me and thank heavens I didn't turn out like him, unable to even change at 80 yrs old. 🎉🎉🎉 These people r ruthless.
My diagnosed BPD/NPD mother literally ruined my life. I'm trying in my 40's to start over after finally going no contact. She was my only parent and I wonder how my life would have turned out if even one healthy adult would have been in my life growing up. These situations growing up lead to a sad life of alienation. I'm trying to let go of the hate I have for her.
Just turned 39 and feel like a child lost at the mall, the only thing that keeps the hate away is the fact she doesn’t get it and never will and she is a victim of her father who still uses her. I want to stay mad but it only hurts me.
Me too. I’m starting to let my feelings flow. Even hatred. Although I am smart enough to not share these intense emotions unless I’m with really safe people who I know will be supportive . Not many people like that out there though.
Your decision is difficult but in my early 50's I'm just discovering myself and starting over. My undiagnosed covert narcissistic mother is the last person in my family for me to go no contact with which is work in progress. Never stop. Embrace the anger and then heal.❤
At 43, I realized I was way behind career-wise, savings-wise, etc., and I knew why. Years of burnt time with self doubt, ocd, senseless decisions, etc., but at 44 years old I finally managed to get something together for myself and I embarked upon a 17-year career teaching English abroad with my new wife who is so lovely. I'm probably about 1 million behind in savings right now and I don't have any kind of career path except for going from teaching job to teaching job but at least I have some kind of a career now that I was able to patch together through a valiant effort. It's never too late.
@@la6136Thank you for this response. People may be behind financially simply because careers and jobs in general do not provide retirements and pay protections. Getting g a decent job out of high school in the eighties was completely possible. That is not true today.
@@Chris-tg3qy Absolutely I started my own business when I graduated college because the jobs were not paying enough and good jobs are extremely competitive with thousands of applicants. It is much harder now. Even the STEM jobs are getting too competitive and wages are dropping. Then add in inflation on top of that.
Because they're jelous of everyone including their kids, at the same time they think everyone is beneath them, again including their kids so they don't want to put effort in for several reasons, and when they do it's usually to get something out of it, there's usually a hidden selfish motive.
I spent my entire 20s undoing the damage my parents did to me and now I just feel like I am getting started at 31. I constantly feel 10 years behind everyone else my age now.
@@TomboyGamerGalI hear you. Honestly most of the people I know only moved out from their parents after they got married because two incomes is necessary to live these days.
My mom didn’t tell me about menstruation. I had a vague idea from school. Very vague. When it happened, I was hurting inside from cramps. I used layers of toilet tissue as a “pad” to get through. I didn’t want to “bother” mom, nor feel shame for my body. After a few rounds of this I finally mustered the bravery (as a young girl) to ask to be taken to the store. I found what I needed on my own from the shelves and I meekly put it in the shopping cart, cringing for myself the whole way. I had no purchasing power obviously, as a kid. We checked out. Nothing was said. Nothing. All those feel good scenes for other kids, prepping them for life and the changes of their body … that just never happened.
@SatanenPerkele I feel scared and afraid when....young girls are having Menstral periods way too young..would the hormones in food they add be to blame?? Girls shouldn't start a period until about 14.... it is awful to deal with it
@@SatanenPerkele Yes. In my case this was before the internet, really, before home computers. No cell phones either. The 70’s. So you could not privately Google a question for any further help or information. No way to text. The library was miles away from me. So how? Literally how are you to know. It was like the dark ages. So glad that girls today have more agency through technology.
When I got my fist period, my mom right away told my grandma about it, I didnt want her to, then she gave me the smallest pads because I was ''small'' and I was covered in blood as they were not enough for me.When I watch healthy parenting on tv shows I get so angry.......
The lack of emotional support and safety is such a tough aspect imo. All of it makes you feel like you're in no man's land. A post apocalyptic nightmare. If you were a game character you would have no map, a bunch of random junk weighing you down, something glitching and something trying to kill you right off the bat. Picking up the pieces and winging it is not how we were meant to live but getting away from them and getting it out of you is one of life's greatest achievements.
This is a poetic way of explaining what it feels like. It is terrifying and confusing. All I need is someone to encourage me and say that my hard work matters, but there is no one.
I can relate to this, this is on point. I really struggle with sense of safety I feel like i'm being hunted down 24/7.. It's so draining to the point of loss of motivation and I tend to naturally focus on self soothing and preservation, which then leads to this very topic in the video 🙃
When narcissistic parents decide to have kids, they don’t consider the fact that one day those kids will be adults and it’s their responsibility to prepare their kids for adulthood. They see us as dolls or pets that will never leave the nest. But of course one day we will, as we should because we can no longer take their abuse. However, once we do, they not only punish us, but society does too . Because society doesn’t expect us to ever leave the nest without first learning how to fly.
I was extremely angry and frustrated when I left home at 19 but I cold not do anything as my parents did not teach me basic life skills at all whereas society demended from me to be independent. In my opinion we should not be so harsh for people who want to be independent but they were not prepared by their families. You will not be independent in one day like people who had been taught since the first day of their life. Now I am 30 and I feel like I am only beginning the adult life. I have never worked so far as my borderline attacks made it impossible for me to maintain any job. I feel so ashamed that I will start my work life over 30.
I was lucky to have a mentor who saw the mess before I did. Now im working, with his help, to become an adult. Im making progress and my selfworth is increasing.
I didn't learn how to establish boundaries, I still struggle with oversharing and the confusion of not being totally aware when I am being mistreated and being taken advantage of. Because of this, I still struggle with trust. Thank you, Jerry, for your videos and reminders! I'm working on healing and standing in my truth!! ❤
Yes, it's absolutely deliberate. If you're ill equipped for life, there's a greater chance you'll stick around to be abused. This was proved to me by the vicious and resentful reactions to my (very limited) successes in life. Evidently I was unfaithful to the script. Which is perfectly fine with me.
My parents love saying to me now, "I'm not taking care of you (helping you for anything)!!! You're an adult!!!". But when i got accepted to Grad school overseas (amazing accomplishment), "What about me??? I can't visit you (while you're pursuing your dreams overseas)!!! That's rich. And I got crapped on for going overseas as an undergrad without their consent. I was just being an awesome student/adult. The shame!!!🤦🤦🤦
Thank goodness you're doing it in spite of, me too, I got a student loan and college degree cuz mom said I wasn't uni material so.... I was so proud of myself but no one else was, doesn't matter nor do they! 😊😊
That was my dream-to study abroad. However, my parents were unsupportive and hostile about this goal in my late teens! Nevertheless, by the time I was 31, I had just registered for university overseas without telling my parents and had no contact. I was poor and overstayed my visa, but I did it, and I mastered a foreign language. Congratulations on going overseas. Good for you!
Mine put my siblings through college and university. Bought them cars to go to lectures and later to the good jobs they got. I had to pay everything myself. Got myself through university. Huge financial struggle for me which they easily could have paid without them going into dept. I was open to paying them back later if they helped. There were times when I broke down in tears infront of them because of the financial struggle. They didn't blink, didn't acknowledge. When I talk about it all these years later - the struggle - they look at me and ask why I never told them! Now they claim that they would have helped! They knew full well. They just didn't give a cr@p. I even had to interrupt my studies at one point for 2 years because of finances. They cherry on the cake is that I was top of my class! I told them in the hope that they'd help me knowing I was worth the investment. Nope. They didn't even acknowledge or give me a pat on the back. I didn't even go to my graduation even though I was top of my class. They didn't care and this has become an issue for me throughout life. Regardless of what I achieve, I feel happy and excited for 5 minutes maximum. Then I feel absolutely nothing about it. It all feels very hollow and it can only be because since childhood nothing I did well or achieved was ever recognised or celebrated. In addition my siblings have always been highly critical of me being behind in life. They are oblivious to what they were given vs what I had to get for myself. I didn't even get the big birthday bashes that they got. They have also become my bullies. I am no contact.
@@privatel_real Ditto with me. This story is surreal since it is almost the same with my life experience. My parents had seven kids,--and I've been able to discuss our experiences. Three gaslight me,--but two will discuss it in detail,--one technique is that my father would isloate each of us three, and verbally abuse and humiliate without witnesses. After that, my mother would be drunk and threaten to throw us, with comments like "I brought you into this world naked and I can throw you out on the street naked" when I was in kindergarten. I remember that my grandmother had sent me a pair of pants for Christmas,--and I imagined that I would not be fully naked.
That "unconditional love" was always conditional, even when it was labeled as unconditional. I believe this "love" was more performative than actual emotion behind it, because it was always taken away when things were done that they didn't like.
My Mom gave me the “death stare” when she faked cried her way out of a discussion with me. She tried to be all apologetic and extra kind when she came back, then I told her “no im not talking to you anymore about stuff like this.” She gives me the narc death stare.
The women in my family act like baby machines and thought I was barren because I had planned parenthood, they had 3 kids at 22 and I had my 1st at 34, ridiculously stupid are they, as if I didn't think their ill prepared financially strapped young selves disgusting.
Why can't you be like your sisters? One nephew stabbed somebody and the other nephew is special needs so no thanks. My son is healthy, independent and a family man!!!
The nice thing about not being able to trust others, is that there are a hell of a lot more people out there who are untrustworthy than there are those who are trustworthy.
Another advantage is that you learn to validate yourself and not look for validation from others. This definitely has made me stronger. God knows a person won’t get validation from a narcissistic parent(s)
I think this video gave voice to a silent scream that I have. I feel like I started the game of life 10 positions behind as I had two narcissistic parents. I'm 40 years old and starting to fight for a better life, knowing that I lost a lot and seeing that I'm going to live with "what's left" of life. I feel very sad, without hope. Having to start from scratch at 40 years old. But I also believe that there is a God in heaven who will never abandon me and will help me even in this situation.
Hey. I felt the same but im now 42 and taking life by the horns. It's never,ever too late, your comment got me.. please don't let your past define or defeat you 🙏
I thought very similarly and have grieved the loss a lot. Im coming round to the perspective that many people, especially pre-internet days, only find out about narcissism in their 50’s, 60’s and later and then have to start again. I think it’s great we get to start at age 40 ❤
Absolutely! Mine never allowed us to express emotions. If we cried we were told, "Stop That!" Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Rage. Betrayal. Zero boundaries. Control, control, control. Projection, gaslighting, stonewalling, shaming. This caused health issues, anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, etc.
@@johnm3544 the chief issue was that he was *able* to do so - that he knew *what* to do, and had the capacity to then do so. Imagine if you’re *unable* to perceive both the need to *be* a dutiful worshiper, and then, *unable* to determine just *HOW* your betters demand such worship - what portions of their anatomy need “massaging,” etc - due to disabilities you do not know you have at that time. They don’t realize - or believe - that you’re even trying, then. It’s impossible to make them happy. It’s the same everywhere. That’s when the abuse *really* starts. It’s why I have PTSD like I do.
My "mother" once broke out crying at the dinner table, "why can't you just be married and have babies like all of my friends kids?" I said something snarky, then drove away to live in "sin" with my bf at the time. It's so aggravating, yet insightful to look back on those moments. As an empath, I feel sorry for someone who lives embittered and judgmental, but I also refuse to be treated like crap because I don't live up to those expectations. (I also medically can't have children, so there's that).
@@dennisyoung4631 Looking back, When I was young realised I didn't know the password and was never going to be given it ( because supposedly I wasn't worthy), so subconsciously knew I could never win and decided not to play the game. So in a sense I wasn't trying and was running with the hare. As you say, that's when the abuse starts.
Yes, happened here too. It’s made worse when you cannot tell what they want in real time. In my case, it wasn’t until years later that I got some idea of what was wanted.
They won’t just fail to prepare you, they actively sabotage your life and career aspirations. I got myself setup to go to college, got an internship before college that was turning into a full time job, my when my mom was getting divorced she made me quit the internship, not start college and move back home with her, I was devastated to the point where I tried to self delete. When I got out of the hospital, I started a job, worked 2 years and saved up to move back and go to college, I would end up having to co-sign with my mom for a loan, the school sent to loan money to her and she spent it! This caused me to incur a tuition balance and not be able to finish college. So now I’m permanently stuck in a position where I’m not able to earn enough money to be completely independent. My mom wants me to never talk about how she wrecked my college and just blame me for both of us being adults stuck at home.
I was horrified when I realized that I modeled many of the behaviors of my abusive narc. parent when raising my own kids. Since they are adults, I can apologize and explain why I did certain things - and why it was wrong - and though they accept my apology, I cannot undo any of it. It's a bitter pill. I am so grateful for having such loving, forgiving and understanding children - I wish I was as forgiving of myself for being blind for so long. I see it so clearly now!
Some narc parents never grow up or take responsibility. You are growing and learning now, and your kids see you making an effort. My 78 yr old nmom is childish and selfish, she’s been cut off (again). Done with her BS. Have to launch my last child without nmom criticizing both of us all the way. Too negative too.
This is all I ever wanted from my own mom. She can't rewind and do it over again, but she can feel sorry and apologize for hurting me, but she never has. I stopped talking to her because she refused to take responsibility for what she did or denies it even happend. I think you're doing lightyears better than her in that respect.
2:32 My narcissist mom “homeschooled” us so we couldn’t have positive role models, we were completely isolated at home. She gave us nothing but constant stress, and nothing more than an 8th grade equivalent “education.” Even at 36, I feel a whole level of screwed that no one else in my narc survivor communities have been able to relate to… it’s terribly isolating all over again.
I'll bet you're super smart, she wanted you to see the world according to her, cripple you up, keep learning you see 1st hand what an uneducated leads to, being like your mom!
I can relate. My narc mom homeschooled me and my siblings. We were hers to do with as she pleased. The only thing I ever learned from her is that I should never trust anybody unless I want to get used and abused. I'm 34 now and I feel like I'll never be able to do the things I want to do with my life, not that I even know what those things are in the first place. It's terrible and it makes me feel very, very sad. I'm so sorry you had to deal with being treated like that too. Sending you some love ❤
Same. I was homeschooled until college as well and my mom refused to teach me anything that “annoyed” her or anything that she couldn’t understand. So, biology was out, chemistry was out, and a good chunk of English/writing was out. I didn’t even know what chemistry was until I got to college. Literally. 😑 I have 4 degrees now (maybe to compensate? 😆) and of course my parents laughed at me or completely ignored me when I graduated each one.
I was the scapegoat in spite of being precocious at an early age. My good qualities made me a target. Became chronically ill to the point I couldn't get away from them. I am a magnet for narcs and my life is a train wreck. Trying to fix it.
I knew from a very early age that my family was dysfunctional. I grew up watching LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE BRADY BUNCH and I never seen an episode where kids were beaten by drunk parents or called each other hurtful names, kick open doors and punch holes in the walls. I didn't know of other families on the block where the cops visited often. I used to dream that one day I could grow up to be a hermit. Live somewhere in the mountains.
I started trying to set boundaries in my late 20’s. I failed miserably. The people that I set them with denied knowing what I was talking about. That was the late 1980’s. No one was talking about narcissistic abuse back then. I felt broken, disconnected, and unlovable since my teen years. No skills in coping and stressed about literally everything. Thank God for RUclips counselors like Jerry Wise.
That's the nature of Complex-PTSD. In our younger years, we're too deep in denial, delusion, emotional immaturity, Stockholm syndrome. It takes time for our brain, mind and soul to truly process what's happened, and to wake us up, but not so quickly that we have a complete breakdown. The slow realisation is probably a defence mechanism.
Its all about them. You're there to make them look good. You're not allowed to mature into an independent self sufficient individual, an adult because they need to feed on you. There needs to be a scapegoat for everything wrong with them.
On the rare occasion when none of the children are a scapegoat but the other parent is and is driven out of the family and alienated (parental alienation). The kids still serve the purposes you outlined though, that doesn't change.
@@AA-iy4gm yes. It's what happened to me as a child. My father initiated the divorce and I ended up living with him. My mother was removed from the picture. He was the narcissist. My mother was troubled and had undiagnosed schizophrenia but she had strong maternal instincts, she was acutely aware and she was good at sniffing people out. She didn't like the dynamics on my father's side of the family. Low and behold on dads side they all had failed marriages and became alcoholics. In public they were all "successful" and intellectuals of sorts but failed miserably at life. Dads brother an architect became a homeless alcoholic, his sister died from alcoholism too. All "flying monkeys" around my dad. I think their mother was a narcissist and grandpa, their father however respected by many I think was likely weak and really wasn't a father in a proper sense. They said grandpa rarely spoke but when he did everyone listened. Which I inadvertently interpreted as oh so you think it was a quality of a stoic character but in reality he wasn't emotionally available and he never taught you anything. My dad was like that too. Silent generation Byzantine despotic patriarchichal. Control through fear and keeping you emotionally hostage. Guised everything as in seemingly caring about everyone and that even i wasn't that important but what it meant was "its all about me and my reputation" if you don't have a strong father figure most likely your life will become am amateur night. You won't have a compass. But grandma was the narcissist who passed it on to my dad who never really separated from her and she lived with him and me, until she died. In public he was the responsible one who worked hard had a high position in the company, single father but it was all part of the narcisist structure of everyone holding him in high esteem but inside he was depressed and slowly dying and not fun to be around. The personal family life was a shipwreck with some woman he dated many years who lived eith us and was the evil stepmother of sorts. I saw his shadow I lived it. It was something that was hidden from the public but i knew and I was the scapegoat.
Thank you doctor. Im almost 37. And i break down in tears whenever I recall the pains and hurts of my life growing up till the age of 30... it has been a WAR trying to just be myself in my own home...
The constant criticism and goalpost moving meant I strived and strived until I burned out. Luckily for me I found your channel and Dr Ramani and worked on rewriting my own brain. I have skills despite my parents and I am very proud of my progress. Having narcissistic parents means you’re raising yourself. Sending good luck to you all ❤ I am two modules into your program Jerry - I love knowing what work I have to do now. I’m moving on from learning about narcissism and I’m now learning how to grow myself - set boundaries- feel my feelings- know my limits - be my self ❤ Thank you Jerry
I sometimes feel my family just threw me to the wolves and shouted criticisms at me from afar while I tried to survive to make themselves feel better. They weren't the problem, after all, it was that judgemental, truth-telling child they had that was ruining their good times. I also sometimes feel like telling people that I was a feral child when I run into instances where I accidentally violate some social norm. I feel embarrassed, but my parents never taught me manners and social etiquette. I've just had to do my best and sometimes I really miss the mark.
My late mother was a manipulative Borderline (same Cluster B Personality Disorder Category). She was a perfectionist. She wanted me to be perfect to make her look good. I grew up "other-focused" due to being emotionally neglected. However, I got my driver's license when I was 17. She did not like to drive. I did and still do. But, life skills were not taught. Trust issues were major in my family of origin. This video makes it plain.
How is one supposed to grow up and be an adult and to be mature(!into their 40s and 50s!) when you have a parent-as well as other family members-who constantly speak to you in an extremely PATRONIZING manner?!!
No contact is the answer, it takes time though. It’s taken me 10 years to slowly drift away. You could do it faster though, I just needed to observe from time to time.
Keep constantly reminding yourself that that's a reflection of only their character and their bitterness is coming through with their patronizing comments, they're trying to create a diversion from their own insecurities and inadequacies.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
@@charliewhon6548 Keep gods out of people's business. And no I don't think giving new born bibles and providing them with minimum care is going to work.
@@Vlad_the_Impaler if someone trusts Scripture enough to give it to a baby, Then hopefully they would also be the type of person who respected it enough to do what it says. And if so, then we are to prefer others over ourselves. And love our neighbor as ourselves. So if everyone just did those two things written in Scripture, we wouldn’t have narcissists to ruin our childhoods in the first place now would we? But, if you don’t want God, then all you have is Fortuna, so good luck.
I visited my mother The first thing she said was " Why dont you ever wear a dress , you are always in pants " ? The whole time I was with her she controlled the conversation . My sense of self reflected by her dissatisfaction with my presence was hard . Not a kind word
You talked about my whole life in this video! As a result of being left behind in my adult life I am unemployed and chose an emotionally unavailable partner. I wish I could afford therapy! Thank you for this enlightening video.
Keep trying ❤ you’ll get there! And you can get a long way with all the free (RUclips, internet) information out there. By then you might be employed and able to afford counselling. It does take a lot of time and effort but you can do it!
Jerry's videos, Dr. Ramani's videos, Patrick Teahan's videos -- thankfully, there are a lot more video resources from knowledgeable people for those of us who find or have found ourselves in that place ♥♥♥
I think Mr Wise has a free program, you may check his website. I can relate to your situation, it's never too late to end an abusive relationship but the real work is starting to finally love and forgive ourselves. I wish you all the best
Totally a lack of emotional support and it still continues... i wasn't prepared at all, they never told me anything about the outside world... had to do what i was told and thats it...i dont like crowds at all...
#1 - I GET how anyone NOT RAISED BY CRAZIES WILL RIGHTFULLY SAY - OMG HOLY S THESE NASTY UNGRATEFUL P OS FS. BLAMING THEIR LOVING PARENTS BUT 2. IF U BEEN IN IT. YOU KNOW - IF YOU AINT BEEN THROUGH IT - U ARE NOT QUAL8FIED TO SPEAK ON MADNESS YOUVE NEVER SEEN IF YOU BEEN THERE YOU KNOW 💯 %
So spot on …constant fear mongering ..any accomplishments downplayed or ruined by criticism inappropriate self centered destructive behaviors if tried to celebrate with them ..I did not break them …I cannot fix them and why can’t I have my own preferences ? They certainly have their own preferences and don’t hesitate to share …oh but theirs are correct and mine always wrong …gets old …thank you for this Jerry -you are an amazing
I developed a fear of failure severe enough that now as it's carried into my adulthood, I don't try new things and when I do, if I'm not good at it right away, I feel so. TERRIBLE. about myself that I put it down and possibly don't pick it up again. I think this is the worst outcome of my upbringing. It keeps me from doing the work I need to do to change my life and create the life I want. It sucks and is so unfair.
In most ways, "it's never to late to catch up" is true, except one very important one. They stole the prime child-bearing years. When you were so broken and under their abusive control, it was impossible to even _want_ this most natural part of living. Wanting to become a parent was unthinkable when you had to suffer at the hands of your own. It's like Jerry said, "malignant normalcy". If that sort of parenting and family life was "normal" what sane person could want it for themselves and put another child through it? After starting to heal, it feels like the real choice was stolen from you. It was a reaction to the life circumstances handed to you by your parents to protect yourself and potential family. I never really wanted my own family and I think I would be okay if the opportunity completely passed me by, but I wonder how much of it was really what I wanted. How much of that decision was just a reaction to being parentified from childhood and losing all of my teen years and and twenties to parenting my parents and siblings? The thought of taking care of _anything_ is exhausting, I don't even want pets. I just want to know that I've made the right decision in this small window of time I have left.
I adamantly at a very young age decided I did not want to be a parent. It seemed monstrous and evil to raise a child. Im 60 now and alone. My friends have Families and fun times. I am alone and struggle to be happy around their families. I just didn't want to be like my mother.
I would say that nothing happens in a vacuum. Everyone is shaped by their experiences and your feelings on this matter are completely valid. It's easy to say "yay let's have children" (as many narcissistic, abusive people do), but is that the right decision, considering your health, circumstances and the current state of the world? I completely understand what you're saying, but I think the reality and context of our lives is so important - we can't make decisions in a vacuum.
Also, I completely relate to finding the thought of caring for children absolutely exhausting. I've always found children exhausting and didn't know why for many years, just assumed I was "weird and miserable", when others exclaimed how joyful it is to be in the company of children. Now I know why.
I cried reading your comment i am a female in my early 40s and have been grappling with this exact thing, i never wanted a family due to the endless drama and am now second guessing that conviction. All the best to you and God Bless you in your path to healing
I was raised by a narcissist/alcoholic. My whole childhood was fear based. It has taken me most of my adult life to learn all the things I didn't know. I had to parent myself to do it. It's been quite a hard journey but I am ok now!
Samym uleczeniem jest to by , nie tłumaczyć ich i uświadomić sobie , że są narcystyczni i wyrządzili ci krzywdę . I jak najszybciej zacząć pracę uleczenia siebie nie ich , bo ich uleczyć się już nie da , ale siebie .
I always thought my family was so happy and normal. It took people looking sad or horrified when I told stories of my childhood that made me finally understand that it was probably not so happy and normal.
Same! I cannot believe there was a time I would say, "I am so glad I had a perfectly normal family" 😬 I recently mentioned to my daughter how my parent would use fear to control me and ruin any event outside the home by making me a nervous wreck by the time I arrived (if I even went!). When I looked up and saw tears rolling down her cheeks, it finally hit me how ABNORMAL my family dynamic was. My parent STILL does it,
Because you.were never given the right tools or skills to be able to leave home and live on your own and supply those things to yourself. Held back in life and expected to be thankful for the incomplete life you have at their expense. Its enough to drive you mad if you let it.
This video should be considered mandatory watching, as it explains so much that goes on with a toxic family. At least it explains what went on with mine. All of the points mentioned in the video were applicable to my childhood, as both parents were complete narcissists who were focused on their own needs and no one else. Both constantly meddled in my life, and kept my brother and me from many of what should be considered adulting. One parent was non-existent, while the other had no clue as she was doing as a parent. Neither should have been parents in the first place as they were clearly not meant for parenthood. What first caught my eye as far as how toxic each parent truly was two months ago when I was hospitalized. I truly saw the difference between a somewhat healthy family (my wife’s family, who were nothing but supportive of my condition) and a toxic one (both my parents made my situation about themselves rather than my situation). It was at this point where I ceased contact with either parent and chose to self-heal. Both my parents think of themselves as model parents even now and can’t understand how I could cease contact with them.
Yep! It's taken life changing matters to really see how messed up it all is. This happened to me after a very traumatizing pregnancy and birth with my second child. My BPD parent made it ALL about her and I was barely alive. It was the driving force behind me going no contact, because if I am going to struggle I would rather do it alone and not having to worry about the PD bottomless pit of need while I can barely care for myself.
My parents duped me into working for them for 15 years at their business. Future faking me constantly while they and my older gc sister stole from me directly. My mil has also spent her entire life grifting people and found the perfect victim in her oldest son, my husband. She has cried poor so we helped and the entire time she was using that money to support her gc son so he could buy second properties on our dime. It was more direct sabotage for us. Society told us we owed them for barely raising us. We're almost 50 and just barely escaped these demons. I hope we can recover quickly enough to not be destitute in our old age.
I'm happy you got out. I'm in the process of leaving the 'family farm' after decades of future faking, and bread crumbing. I'm 52, I hope I can get far enough ahead to leave something for my kids.
amberinthemist Yes, narcissism is a demonic, satanic energy. We have amazing strength for being able to survive all this. Many blessings to you and your husband!
My parents projected their insecurities onto me. They didn’t want me driving because they were too scared but told everyone that I was the one that was too scared to drive. While everyone had their normal milestones, I was years behind. I didn’t get to go to the mall without my parents until I was 18, didn’t drive until I was 21. I dated behind their back bc it was the only thing I could control, so when I was serious about someone and “brought him home”, I was 26. My mom made a scene during thanksgiving. At that age, people were getting engaged or married and here I was introducing them to my boyfriend for the first time. I’m in my late 30’s and I feel so behind in life. Because of this lateness, I kept this pace. They expected us to get married in 2 years but I waited until I was in my early 30’s. I feel like I’m just getting everything together but part of my feels grief that I didn’t do it earlier or on time like everyone else, thanks to my parents’ emotional immaturity and need for control. Thanks for this video.
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I'm 40 now, and I feel most of the time like a defenseless, lonely, weak child. There is always this burning sadness and feeling of loneliness! It's really difficult to carry it day by day.
Hi, you're not alone... I'm 49, I've recently gone no contact with my 87 yr dad, I feel the same...very alone, guilt, sadness, shame, failure..shunned by wealthy older sibling...yep it's a daily battle, I wish you all the best in your life journey...be kind to yourself. 😊
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. Carrying such deep sadness and loneliness can be incredibly challenging. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and seek support to help navigate them. If you’re interested in finding strategies and support to manage these feelings and work towards healing, my free training might provide some helpful insights. You can explore it here: www.coaching.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/jerrywise
My gf's childhood was that bad that she still has never gotten over it now she's 50 yrs old. Everyday she wants to end herself because of how backwards she feels due to having to raise herself. No one cared if she went to school, if she had any breakfast or lunch to eat nor if she had clean clothes or school supplies. Her father was a terrible alcoholic & both parents gambled their wages away every week leaving the whole family in poverty all the time. She describes her home life to a war zone, never knowing when the next fight would break out. She also received "hidings" from her siblings but there was never anyone to talk to about it. Today my gf has anxiety attacks upon waking & it takes a LOT to get her to get out of bed just to face the day. Poor girl, I show her unconditional love & she seems to respond well to that but I feel so bad for her, it's so wrong what parents can do to their own children.
Thank you Jerry for talking about these things and bringing them out of the dark in a manner that does not blame the children. I feel like there’s nowhere to talk about these things because they’re so “taboo“. It’s like in our society, we’re not allowed to say anything against parents. Everything is heaped upon the children. It’s so backwards. I think it tells us where we come from in our society. Maybe it’s no wonder that in a lot of our fairy tales from “the old country”, we have lot of child abuse in it. Maybe that is a message to us in the present time of where we’ve come from. And a warning.
So many layers of sabotaging . It happened again and again in different Seasons of development. There was/is no safe harbor. I’m not sure how but I survived and am sane. That is enough. I try to be a good enough mother to myself. Creating my own safe harbor.
So true! My narc mother parented me with a peculiar two-pronged approach of tyranny and neglect. She was ALWAYS up my tail, snooping, scrutinizing, controlling, ridiculing, punishing…but had little time for demonstrating life skills, fostering independence, encouraging relationships with individuals of both sexes, or allowing my access to any means by which I might escape from her clutches. My mother was an outstanding cook, an excellent swimmer and a terrific seamstress; yet I had to teach myself how to cook, I can only stay afloat to save my life, and my sewing abilities are limited to hand-stitching hems and re-attaching buttons. By the time I entered my 20’s and became able to get away from my mother, I was an anxious, depressed, socially inept and ill-prepared to function in the workplace, particularly with submitting to authority. Attempting to conform to the career I was forced into drove me into a moderately severe depression. My development into adulthood did not truly begin until I was almost thirty…and a part of me still feels-and may always feel-developmentally delayed.
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At 52, the last visit from my father over Father’s Day…he was on his “best” behavior!! Making sure I knew that he was incentivizing me to buy a new house in the new city I loved to by telling me “I won’t come visit you until you have a house because I’ve spent 1000 on this trip including hotel expense.” On the phone with a realtor he’s sitting next to me telling me what to say…it’s very insulting, insufferable and degrading. It was if he was saying “you don’t know how to handle your life at this late age/stage and need me to give you the words”. More than anything I know that I will live and die by my choices. I don’t want my parents help or money anymore. 🎉
The antisocial aspect, "they never tought me adulting" and identity are so true. I'm lucky enough to have Internet and access to books, and other people. Now I can at least try to catch up in adulting. Like I can barely cook and I hate cooking. Maybe because when I tried or still try to help my mom, I get yelled at for not cutting the vegetables properly, for example. I have a drivers licence and a job, but I feel like a teenager when I face any important issues. Growing up I barely could go to a friends house, even when I was past high school. I was stuck in a dead-end relationship, I still don't know what I want for myself in life while approaching 30s. The funniest thing is : my mom still expects me to become rich or marry into rich, be a social butterfly, cook like a chef etc.
I've never heard anyone address this. I felt this tremendously. It's like they tie you into a wheelchair for 20 years when you really don't need one. So as a young adult (if you indeed manage to escape) you are starting from scratch to learn what skills you in fact have and how to work with people and so many other things that should have been naturally developmentally progressed through at 3, 5, 10, 15 and so on.
I’m almost 40 and just started learning how to set healthy boundaries. It’s hard. I never know whether I’m being too harsh or too soft. What makes it worse is trying to set boundaries with my boundary-destroying narcissistic mother. I’ve gone no contact for the fourth time in six years. She and my father have held me back in the first half of my life. I can’t have them ruin the second half too.
I want to thank everyone for being brave enough to share their struggles. In my house, my mother was abusive and I learned in that past few years she was a narcissist. I felt so alone not being taught basic things in life and feeling like a teen as an adult trying to function in the world. Thank you for helping me feel less alone.❤❤
When you talk about how there's nothing wrong with liking vanilla over chocolate, that's exactly the kind of narcissistic family I came from too. If I liked something, I would talk for hours about how it was "just ok" to my sister. Trying to hide that I liked it. I mean adamantly for hours or even days claiming that the thing I liked was only average and not really that special. The more I liked it the more I would do that. Because I was terrified of liking things that were different from my family because of how much they bullied me over it, my sister especially. It hasn't been until recent years that I realized how big of a red flag that was but I had no idea back when I was only 9 years old. The shame for me over liking what I liked was just real. I didn't question it. And my family gender shamed me too, constantly. My mom just said "that's not for girls" when I liked something, like astronomy or video games for example. And I was forced to wear girl clothes
It’s so trippy seeing all you guys relate similar experiences. I never tell people things I like because I always assume I’ll get a ‘who the f**k cares what you think’.
Thanks. I wonder how much of this is generational? With the boomer generation, there generally seems to be a listening, but then it's back to the same words and behavior, on repeat, consistently. I've learned to say, "that's them and I'm me." I usually just say it to myself but out loud can also be helpful. To me the corporations in society are a lot like my parents. I see their insane need for excessive control as if they were my parents. The mirror seems to be reflecting infinitely in this way. The narcissists ... the narcissists ... I won't even get started on politics! What is this infiinite mirror asking of me?
In high school I wanted to take an art class and a dance class. My mom would tell me I couldn’t take art because I couldn’t draw and I couldn’t take a dance class because I couldn’t dance. It was like you couldn’t learn how to do something unless you already knew how to do it. As an adult if I wanted to take a class at the community college or do something she didn’t approve of she would say “what do you want to do that for?” or “who talked you into doing that?”
My parents were terrible with discipline and obsessed with punishment. Punishment for me liking anything they didn’t, punishment for not worshipping my dad’s extremely rude and entitled parents, & for being energetic and hyper and ambitious as a child. I despise and will never respect them again. I don’t care what anyone reading this thinks of me for this.
If you’re seeking ways to process these experiences and move forward, you might find my free training helpful. It offers insights into navigating personal challenges and growth. You can explore it here: www.coaching.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/jerrywise. Taking steps to understand and address these feelings is a crucial part of your healing journey.
Turned 30 today. Still working a minimum wage job. Mine insisted I work from a very young age instead of getting an education. I also do not fit in with "office" people as they seem so "normal" with fairly normal families. It sucks.
Don't give up on yourself. Some people aren't office people. I work in an office and some of these ppl are dysfunctional. There are the same group of people in every work culture.
You'd be surprised to find out you're not so different from them office people after all. Many of them have the same story and insecurities as you, but they keep moving forward. Go for that better job and don't stop there. You have just as much right to pursue better for you! Give God the glory and trust Him!
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Ooh I relate so much with evrything you describe here😢 And the title ".. behind in life" that's me. Absolutely! I'm 42 and I live with my mother. For a while now I think "I don't know how to live. Lost Is the word
I had my kitchen remodeled at age 46. I was going to get a locking pantry door, because it seemed perfectly reasonable to me. Growing up all the food was locked up. Not even the maid had keys..... it took me a minute, but now I see how crazy that is....
@@jaycristoval6155 well that would be an interesting study, narcissists and income. Definitely lots of narcissists that are hopeless with money though.
I started reclaiming myself at the age of 34 . They taught me to be afraid of anything, to lack confidence and not speak up for yourself, to attach to toxic people and tolerate abuse, to forget any creativity I naturally had in me. They ruined me. It’s been 8 years since I started my healing journey. Meditation and being a scholar of psychology have helped me so much
I watched this video this morning and it struck so deeply in my soul ,it was overwhelming, I had to go sit quietly for a while to process it. A lot of old feelings surfaced , even of being in a shellshocked state, as a child. The only way I can describe it. Every point ,describes the situation I had with my parents. My father had a severe rage issue, he had violent tantrums like a two year old in an adult body, which was very disturbing and embarrassing, (if in public). He was impulsive, made a lot of bad choices and always blamed others when things went wrong He could switch to in your face threatening for anything he didnt like. We had to walk on eggshells continuously. My mother who was being abused herself, was neglectful, and covertly abusive to me. Neither of them wanted me spending time with other people. I had read stories of children being found locked in the attic for years and I use to imagine, my parents would have done the same ,if they'd had one. I did know from an early age my parents were different to other's and something was very wrong with them , but of course ,rarely had the chance to experience normal interactions with others, so I was functioning with only what I knew. Unsurprisingly, I didnt cope well as I got older and had very bad experiences because of it. Ive worked hard at improving myself and Im a lot better, but I have social anxiety and am socially awkward.
So often I hear about "micromanaging". This surprises me. My mom didn't give a rip what I did as long as I didn't ask anything from her....meanwhile she still expected me to worship her and tell her what a great mother she was for feeding me top ramen and paying the rent. Way to go, mother of the year.
This video and everyone's comments are one of the most helpful things I've found online. Yes reading books helps you understand and process - and is essential - but my goodness, feeling like you're not alone, hearing other peoples stories, that its not just you, you're not the only one, that others understand you, that you realise you're not the odd one out - it makes me feel like I'm not crazy for feeling the way I have. I identify so much with what you all say - I'm 44 and feel like I'm only starting to grow up and become an adult now - my relationship skills are so poor, I'm only starting to learn what I should have learned in childhood. I feel like my life could have been so different, and it upsets me to think how things could have been - but accepting you're not the only one helps me actually feel more normal, not so much of an outsider. There are so many people who have so many challenges in life - and understanding that too is helpful, as in many have challenges we know nothing about - which in saying that, helps me to look forward, because if others can move forward, then so we all can - every life is so different and we can't help the hands we are dealt, and there is no shame in that, although for years or rather decades, that's how I felt...
If you’re looking for additional support and strategies to continue moving forward and building on what you’ve learned, my free training might offer some helpful insights. You can check it out here: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027. Remember, it’s okay to feel like you’re starting to grow up later than others-what matters is the progress you’re making now and the positive changes you’re working towards.
Great video. Extremely accurate! I'll be 40 soon and I'm still working through many of these things. I have always felt behind others, but now I can see why. It's very hard to go out into the world and explore when you weren't encouraged or taught to be independent. Lots of reading, therapy, and seeing myself differently have helped me over time. 👍
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Im 34, living in my car, running low on finances, going to court on Thursday to face multiple criminal charges from my wealthy boomer mother. Im smart, handsone, quick learning, kind to others, physically fit, and treat people with kindness. Its a long story, but my parents have destroyed my life.
You have a bright future…let the past go and be the best version of yourself…at least you have a car to shelter in. A lot of people don’t even have that. Start giving Thanks🎉 and counting the blessings you do have…even small. This too shall pass. You may not choose to continue a relationship with your mother after this. As a grown man, that is💯 your choice. As you move past this place in your life you will make choices that will free you from blaming your parents or mom for your current state of living. Ask yourself…what matters to you? What is your why? At 52 stripping everything down to bare basics and selling/giving away a lot of possessions has been very freeing to me. Does my family really support and understand my need for this? The best they can. My choice for me would never be their choice for me. 😂
I'm supposed to be a child to them but an adult to myself. I was a selfish young adult to my parents for prioritizing myself in undergrad. Now that i am older, i prioritize them. Then when i ask for help, "you're adult. Take care of yourself!" Then my father has me help him use the toilet because he can't go alone. He's adult too.
Oh lord ana. This is my opinion...nit a womam should NEVER find herself qiping her fathers ass. Espevially a neglegent father(if yours was). Its dehumanozing and you dont deserve it. He can call medicaid or have the state come in. Id be done with that yesterday...ahain my opinion. But hell NO
@@ThePinkPantha21 Exactly.My mom & I "inherited" a small 1,000sqft 🏠 when my sociopathic narc father suddenly passed away early this year...Turns out the mortgage was actually higher than when they 1st bought it in the 80's so she had to use a big chunk of the life insurance to finally pay off the 🏠.We're also having to completely replace the entire plumbing system for 21k, had to get a new roof, had to get the mortar redone on the chimney, get a few new 🪟s, need a new driveway, need a new garage door, need new 🚪s for the 🏠, need junk removal for the backyard he junked up, etc.Also we've spent weeks cleaning his junk/garbage out of the basement & his bedroom, he was a pack-rat.Even if you DO get something "nice"...Chances are it'll turn out to be not nearly as nice as you 💭 it'd be.He croaked with 41k of credit 💳 debt & we're so thankful my mom isn't on the 🪝 for it, we're also so relieved he croaked before he finished applying for refinancing the 🏡 a 3rd time.Best thing you can do is run baby run!
The point about being "other focused" vs. self focused is such a huge piece. Once I made the connection that I was always watching my father for self survival as a child (because of his rage fits) - I realized that's why I was always so focused on others in adulthood and why I always neglected myself. In my mind, focusing on others is literally key to my survival, otherwise I could be in danger (rage fits, beaten, punished, shamed, etc). Similarly, if I focused on myself, and didn't pay attention to what my father was doing, I could also be in danger, because I might miss him coming at me. So I always had to be other focused and ignore myself, for survival in the household when I was a kid. Making that connection was like flipping a switch. I've had so many realizations flow from thinking about that and how it defined so much of how I interact with the world and others, and myself, as an adult. Also, why, (considering the topic of this video), it feels dangerous and almost forbidden to simply focus on myself and build the life I would like to have. In terms of survival, to simply be myself feels like risking a death sentence.
Yes. I only just managed to drive a car and I’m 41 with two kids. My ptsd from my narc mother screaming at me that I would crash and die was so bad that I would shake when I got into the drivers seat. I now drive with some discomfort (it’s taken years of someone coming with me and helping me to even do that). I literally had no idea how to function as an adult.
Good for you, keep going! I’m 34 now but my narc grandmother told me that if I tried to drive I would “crash and die” with my then toddler son in the back! She said I would kill him! She’s crazy, she once tried to take him from me in her car without a seat belt on. She purchased a baby seat for her own car without asking me, so I had no excuse not to go out with her… she never wanted me to drive because she didn’t want me to be independent, she had no friends to go out with, just me unfortunately. My brother is 1 year older than me, she paid for his driving lessons, test, car and insurance when he was a teen! Nobody offered me the chance to drive and I was at university so I couldn’t manage it. I have terrible anxiety about learning to drive but your comment gives me hope 🩷
Same here. I told my mom at 19 I wanted to get my drivers licence, I was a nanny at the time, the parents of the kids said they would put me in their insurance to help bring mine down later on. My mum said I was going to crash and kill both the little kids😢 I got my drivers licence at 40 and now I drive her around to get groceries.
Thank you for touching on this topic. I was so wholly maladaptive and unprepared for life, esp. work, I've spent many years figuring out how not to treat work as if my boss is my parent, and so many other things. Let myself be mistreated by companies, co-workers, etc. I used 1970s and 1980s TV to learn what "normal" was. You can imagine how that went
Many stories but I had very immature social skills and made it into graduate school. 4 years of a second highschool experience. I wanted to quit every day for six months. Got straight As the first semester probably because I was so sure I was failing. After that I relaxed but I was always the odd person out in social circles. Then come out into the work world into a role of supposed leadership when all I did before was work as a checkout person at the grocery store. lol
Not allowed to have social interaction with my peers, couldn't date until i was 18, pushing a really basic profession which was way beneath my potential. I was actually asked if my straight A report card could be improved to A+s. It took many years...I'm 60 now...I am my authentic self. (Which my mother HATED!) I believe she saw me as an accessory...like Paris Hilton with the little dog in her purse. I'm not the Barbie doll she wanted. I was her caretaker in her last six years .... right after a divorce which wrecked me financially. My dad expected me to take care of things. I did and, in fact, hit it out of the park. Professionals often said they wished they had more patients' families like me. I said my piece on her death bed. Thankyousoverymuch for these videos! While I've done major work myself to overcome issues, these videos have really, really validated my feelings.
My parents never asked what my interests were, what I wanted to be, or how to further my own education. They only discouraged any efforts to individuate. I was flabbergasted by other people's parents and how they actually cared about their kids being happy. Even if I got positive attention from other adults, my mother's facial expression would be absolutely negative. To this day I have to really focus to let myself have good things.
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When my wife noticed her meagre retirement savings had been eaten away by fees while she was unemployed, her narcissist mother laughed at her and said “how can you not know about that?”.
@13:00 my dad scoffs and gets FURIOUS... Acts like im spoiled when i mention my need to be calm in order to feel confident and make decisions, apply for jobs, interact with people. He thinks that work has to be hard. That calmness is for lazy people. Its mental. And its invalidating. Dismissive. And its a boundary violation.
If you’re interested, my free training might offer some useful strategies for navigating these kinds of interactions and working on personal growth. You can check it out here: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
In regard to Underdeveloped Social Skills... Thinking back to when I was 6 years old, it was drummed in to me that I must be very loyal to my mother, and I think I may have taken that too far by almost being afraid of developing friendships with kids in case my mother was jealous. I don't know if that is a thing or not but I had an insight about that the other day. Skipping ahead to one day as a teenager, I brought my best friend over to meet my mother, and my mother proceeded to make comparisons about me being better than her. I was a very odd and embarrassing situation.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Hi❤️🩹🙏🏼and thank you. Any other options for communication with you since I’ve done & exhausted all the free access information? With gratitude!
@@jdjenny I recommend joining my 'Road to Self' program- www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self ❤
Thank you so much for this video. It absolutely describes my experience but I’m well on my way to healing now - it can be done. At 60 it’s better late than never 👍
In my case it’s deliberate
Jerry: One of the easiest ways for a narcissistic mother, father, and family to form a "malignant normalcy" is the birth of a child born with a disability. My mother refused to tell me why. An older sister told me she'd gone to visit a friend when she was pregnant with me. Someone had german measels. I was born with congenital reubella because of it. My left eye is deformed and blind; my right has low vision. Everything you describe here was done to me for over 35 years of my life. Because of my lack of eyesight, I could not get away from them. My father told me I "owed" him for ruining his marriage to my mother and I was responsible for it. My sister told me I owed my mother. She thanked her for saying that. The only way for me to barely survive, was to cower and cry while they laughed at me. I wrote the book INVISIBLE" WHEN FEAR AND SHAME CAUSE YOU TO HIDE. What my mother did to me felt like emotional, and mental incest. My father saw my other sisters before he died but did not want to see me. "I couldn't take that, honey." Before my mother died she called me and said "I love you." I hung up on her. I've had not contact with my sisters since 1992. I stilll live with the damage the family did. I almost died because of them.
My mom didn't teach me to cook, drive or handle finances. But she expected me to become a millionaire, so i could support her financially.
Same story !! The sense of entitlement is off the chart !!!
Boom. This ^^^^ exactly ♥♥♥♥♥
Mine would complain that I'm taking up space in the kitchen whenever I try to help her cook.. But she would also always complain that nobody helps her cook 😅 and right on about the same expectation to be crazy rich. She treats me like I'm dumb, so I don't get that expectation very much.. But she always tells my sister to "get a rich husband" because she's prettier and more social.
That sums it up. They make it their business not to teach you skills or anything, and do all they can to isolate you. If you're isolated from important relationships you'll never develop normally. Basically, narcissistic parents cripple and sabotage the child at every point.
Then they expect to be taken care of by that same child. So how can the child become a competent caretaker if they never picked up any skills?
Maybe narcissistic parents aren't looking for a competent caretaker. Maybe they're just looking for a companion in hell.
My mom married rich and ditched us kids. I get it!
Narcissists have the emotional maturity of a toddler. It's literally like being raised by a child with temper tantrums and bullying. I went through childhood as the scapegoat/black sheep. My parents still fail to see how fucked up and dysfunctional their "parenting" was. Very low emotional intelligence and very sick, toxic people who should have helped us, but instead, made everything worse .
Me too
Me too
They couldn't. Not 'fair' , but at least we can move on...❤
Well articulated - totally spot on 👍🏼
🎯 I was the scapegoat as well. I'm now in therapy for C-PTSD because of my narc mother, and it's been extremely difficult de-programming my mind from it all. But am determined to prevail.
We cannot trust because we have been betrayed by the people who were supposed to love and protect us. On top of this we never learned how to trust ourselves.
Please look into the book Invisible: When Fear and Shame Cause You to Hide. It was written for people like us.
@@user-kp8sx1nh1c I will, thank you.
If you have any questions or need more support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
@@jerrywise Thank you and I purchased the book!
Insufficient life skills is what I am very much struggling with, I hate my parents. My whole family is trash.
Same here . Sucks don’t it.
Right there with you. The hard part is lost potential.
I hear you my entire family is toxic including extended family like cousins,etc too. The upside is we can learn life skills from experts on the internet so we don’t really need to learn those things from our families anymore. You can catch up
I hear you. Same here. It’s a hot mess (me) that I am trying to fix. What a disaster. There is always a chance for better days ahead. 🕊❤️
@@dafloridamanOOOF… I feel this desperately. Lost potential.
It sucks to have dysfunctional parents who can’t cope with their own emotions, but expect you to cope with and for them. It’s emotionally draining.
Sorry to hear that. If you need more support, or if you have questions feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
This is so true
Yep!!!
They cripple you. And they know it. And then blame you when you're not a healthy, functioning adult. There must be something wrong with you.
One of the easiest ways for a narcissistic mother, father, and family to form a "malignant normalcy" is the birth of a child born with a disability. My mother refused to tell me why. An older sister told me she'd gone to visit a friend when she was pregnant with me. Someone had german measels. I was born with congenital reubella because of it. My left eye is deformed and blind; my right has low vision. Everything you describe here was done to me for over 35 years of my life. Because of my lack of eyesight, I could not get away from them. My father told me I "owed" him for ruining his marriage to my mother and I was responsible for it. My sister told me I owed my mother. She thanked her for saying that. The only way for me to barely survive, was to cower and cry while they laughed at me. I wrote the book INVISIBLE" WHEN FEAR AND SHAME CAUSE YOU TO HIDE. What my mother did to me felt like emotional, and mental incest. My father saw my other sisters before he died but did not want to see me. "I couldn't take that, honey." Before my mother died she called me and said "I love you." I hung up on her. I've had not contact with my sisters since 1992. I stilll live with the damage the family did. I almost died because of them.
If you have any questions or need more support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
They don’t know that they are the ones who cripple us. We were born defective, they didn’t do anything to cause it. They’re innocent in their minds.
Yep. My dad literally compared me to a cousin of mine who owns a dance studio when I was 40 yrs old by saying how successful she was and then "jokingly" saying "we don't know 'what' happened to 'you' "!!
On top of my mom frowning on & discouraging everything I thought about for college. Literally telling me "oh u don't want to do that, u want to do A, B , and C!!".
Yeah, well I know "exactly" what 'happened' to me and thank heavens I didn't turn out like him, unable to even change at 80 yrs old. 🎉🎉🎉
These people r ruthless.
@@user-kp8sx1nh1comg
I'm so sorry for your pain & trauma. What horrid beasts.
Congrats on your book. That is amazing 🎉🎉💯💯💯🙏🙏❤️❤️💕
Then they belittle you for not being where they expect you to be and the fact that you are not, is proof of our brokenness... That's how they see it
Yeah, expect you to be somewhere without teaching you how.
@@quincicoates2490 amen
Don't take it personally 🎉
@@thetruth3325 frl and it's insanity if you ask me
@@quincicoates2490Exactly 💯
My diagnosed BPD/NPD mother literally ruined my life. I'm trying in my 40's to start over after finally going no contact. She was my only parent and I wonder how my life would have turned out if even one healthy adult would have been in my life growing up. These situations growing up lead to a sad life of alienation. I'm trying to let go of the hate I have for her.
Just turned 39 and feel like a child lost at the mall, the only thing that keeps the hate away is the fact she doesn’t get it and never will and she is a victim of her father who still uses her. I want to stay mad but it only hurts me.
You can heal! Reparent yourself!
Same here.
Me too. I’m starting to let my feelings flow. Even hatred. Although I am smart enough to not share these intense emotions unless I’m with really safe people who I know will be supportive . Not many people like that out there though.
Your decision is difficult but in my early 50's I'm just discovering myself and starting over. My undiagnosed covert narcissistic mother is the last person in my family for me to go no contact with which is work in progress. Never stop. Embrace the anger and then heal.❤
At 43, I realized I was way behind career-wise, savings-wise, etc., and I knew why. Years of burnt time with self doubt, ocd, senseless decisions, etc., but at 44 years old I finally managed to get something together for myself and I embarked upon a 17-year career teaching English abroad with my new wife who is so lovely. I'm probably about 1 million behind in savings right now and I don't have any kind of career path except for going from teaching job to teaching job but at least I have some kind of a career now that I was able to patch together through a valiant effort. It's never too late.
Honestly majority of people are behind in retirement because of cost of living so I don’t think that is too abnormal
@@la6136Thank you for this response. People may be behind financially simply because careers and jobs in general do not provide retirements and pay protections. Getting g a decent job out of high school in the eighties was completely possible. That is not true today.
It’s NEVER too late
@@Chris-tg3qy Absolutely I started my own business when I graduated college because the jobs were not paying enough and good jobs are extremely competitive with thousands of applicants. It is much harder now. Even the STEM jobs are getting too competitive and wages are dropping. Then add in inflation on top of that.
@@3rdStoneObliterum Congratulations on breaking free! The world is your oyster!...
It's not so much they failed in preparation of life but succeeded in deliberate sabotage of life.
...that too
Which can then warp into self sabotage
Because they're jelous of everyone including their kids, at the same time they think everyone is beneath them, again including their kids so they don't want to put effort in for several reasons, and when they do it's usually to get something out of it, there's usually a hidden selfish motive.
This!!! Well said smh
I spent my entire 20s undoing the damage my parents did to me and now I just feel like I am getting started at 31. I constantly feel 10 years behind everyone else my age now.
I'm the same age as you, and I'm on the same boat. I just want to get a job ASAP and move out.
@@TomboyGamerGalI hear you. Honestly most of the people I know only moved out from their parents after they got married because two incomes is necessary to live these days.
26 here and i want to move out too. Youngest child of my parents as well.
Your not. We are all right where we are supposed to be. I'm 47 and once felt the same, the healthier you get the more you don't feel that way
Me too at 28, I'm still not at a place I want/need to be. But hopefully I have an entire lifetime!
My mom didn’t tell me about menstruation. I had a vague idea from school. Very vague. When it happened, I was hurting inside from cramps. I used layers of toilet tissue as a “pad” to get through. I didn’t want to “bother” mom, nor feel shame for my body. After a few rounds of this I finally mustered the bravery (as a young girl) to ask to be taken to the store. I found what I needed on my own from the shelves and I meekly put it in the shopping cart, cringing for myself the whole way. I had no purchasing power obviously, as a kid. We checked out. Nothing was said. Nothing. All those feel good scenes for other kids, prepping them for life and the changes of their body … that just never happened.
@SatanenPerkele I feel scared and afraid when....young girls are having
Menstral periods way too young..would the hormones in food they add be to blame?? Girls shouldn't start a period until about 14.... it is awful to deal with it
@@SatanenPerkele Yes. In my case this was before the internet, really, before home computers. No cell phones either. The 70’s. So you could not privately Google a question for any further help or information. No way to text. The library was miles away from me. So how? Literally how are you to know. It was like the dark ages. So glad that girls today have more agency through technology.
@TheQueensWish what is scary is the hormones they put in food and animals
..I wish kids wouldn't grow up.too fast..kids should just be kids
When I got my fist period, my mom right away told my grandma about it, I didnt want her to, then she gave me the smallest pads because I was ''small'' and I was covered in blood as they were not enough for me.When I watch healthy parenting on tv shows I get so angry.......
Same here and with added weirdness, been no contact for a decade because keeping my hands off her is too challenging
The lack of emotional support and safety is such a tough aspect imo. All of it makes you feel like you're in no man's land. A post apocalyptic nightmare. If you were a game character you would have no map, a bunch of random junk weighing you down, something glitching and something trying to kill you right off the bat. Picking up the pieces and winging it is not how we were meant to live but getting away from them and getting it out of you is one of life's greatest achievements.
this is a great anology
This is a poetic way of explaining what it feels like. It is terrifying and confusing. All I need is someone to encourage me and say that my hard work matters, but there is no one.
So true
I can relate to this, this is on point. I really struggle with sense of safety I feel like i'm being hunted down 24/7.. It's so draining to the point of loss of motivation and I tend to naturally focus on self soothing and preservation, which then leads to this very topic in the video 🙃
I could not describe it better myself, dude. I'm right there with you, wherever "there" even is...
When narcissistic parents decide to have kids, they don’t consider the fact that one day those kids will be adults and it’s their responsibility to prepare their kids for adulthood. They see us as dolls or pets that will never leave the nest. But of course one day we will, as we should because we can no longer take their abuse. However, once we do, they not only punish us, but society does too .
Because society doesn’t expect us to ever leave the nest without first learning how to fly.
I was extremely angry and frustrated when I left home at 19 but I cold not do anything as my parents did not teach me basic life skills at all whereas society demended from me to be independent. In my opinion we should not be so harsh for people who want to be independent but they were not prepared by their families. You will not be independent in one day like people who had been taught since the first day of their life. Now I am 30 and I feel like I am only beginning the adult life. I have never worked so far as my borderline attacks made it impossible for me to maintain any job. I feel so ashamed that I will start my work life over 30.
@@katryk94hang in there and take small steps and reward your wins. Stay away from substance abuse it comes back to bite big time. Good luck.
I had to unlearn their rubbish and learn what I could do.
I was lucky to have a mentor who saw the mess before I did. Now im working, with his help, to become an adult. Im making progress and my selfworth is increasing.
But its hard to lose the grips of my mother. She has really set me up...
I didn't learn how to establish boundaries, I still struggle with oversharing and the confusion of not being totally aware when I am being mistreated and being taken advantage of. Because of this, I still struggle with trust. Thank you, Jerry, for your videos and reminders! I'm working on healing and standing in my truth!! ❤
How true
You are not alone ! I completely understand where you’re coming from ‘cause I’m from there too.
Me too!!!!
heavy on the "the confusion of not being totally aware when i am being mistreated and being taken advantage of"
This is me!! Thank you for sharing.
Mine is more of the angle of deliberately preventing me from function on a normal level. They're cowards
The way I see it is they are so broken and unloved that you are the best they have and they can't admit they don't want you to go 😅😢
Same with my dad
They're envious and hate you.
Yes, it's absolutely deliberate. If you're ill equipped for life, there's a greater chance you'll stick around to be abused.
This was proved to me by the vicious and resentful reactions to my (very limited) successes in life. Evidently I was unfaithful to the script. Which is perfectly fine with me.
@@runswithraptors No more broken than you are. They have just as much freedom to not be abusive.
I basically raised myself. I had to be my own protector and my own advocate for what I was going to do with my life.
If you have any questions or need more support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Mid 40's and I'm just now feeling like I'm getting my life together and focusing on the future
Same….
Yup, 43 next week. No contact on the narcs in my life for the passed few years helped tremendously 😊
Exactly same here. Mid 40s and I still don't know how to run a household, I'm like 14yo kid on that field.. have to learn that now!
Late 40's, but same!
34 and doubtful I'll make it to 40
My parents love saying to me now, "I'm not taking care of you (helping you for anything)!!! You're an adult!!!". But when i got accepted to Grad school overseas (amazing accomplishment), "What about me??? I can't visit you (while you're pursuing your dreams overseas)!!! That's rich. And I got crapped on for going overseas as an undergrad without their consent. I was just being an awesome student/adult. The shame!!!🤦🤦🤦
Thank goodness you're doing it in spite of, me too, I got a student loan and college degree cuz mom said I wasn't uni material so.... I was so proud of myself but no one else was, doesn't matter nor do they! 😊😊
❤
That was my dream-to study abroad. However, my parents were unsupportive and hostile about this goal in my late teens! Nevertheless, by the time I was 31, I had just registered for university overseas without telling my parents and had no contact. I was poor and overstayed my visa, but I did it, and I mastered a foreign language. Congratulations on going overseas. Good for you!
Mine put my siblings through college and university. Bought them cars to go to lectures and later to the good jobs they got. I had to pay everything myself. Got myself through university. Huge financial struggle for me which they easily could have paid without them going into dept. I was open to paying them back later if they helped.
There were times when I broke down in tears infront of them because of the financial struggle. They didn't blink, didn't acknowledge. When I talk about it all these years later - the struggle - they look at me and ask why I never told them! Now they claim that they would have helped! They knew full well. They just didn't give a cr@p. I even had to interrupt my studies at one point for 2 years because of finances.
They cherry on the cake is that I was top of my class! I told them in the hope that they'd help me knowing I was worth the investment. Nope. They didn't even acknowledge or give me a pat on the back.
I didn't even go to my graduation even though I was top of my class. They didn't care and this has become an issue for me throughout life. Regardless of what I achieve, I feel happy and excited for 5 minutes maximum. Then I feel absolutely nothing about it. It all feels very hollow and it can only be because since childhood nothing I did well or achieved was ever recognised or celebrated.
In addition my siblings have always been highly critical of me being behind in life. They are oblivious to what they were given vs what I had to get for myself. I didn't even get the big birthday bashes that they got. They have also become my bullies. I am no contact.
@@privatel_real Ditto with me. This story is surreal since it is almost the same with my life experience. My parents had seven kids,--and I've been able to discuss our experiences. Three gaslight me,--but two will discuss it in detail,--one technique is that my father would isloate each of us three, and verbally abuse and humiliate without witnesses. After that, my mother would be drunk and threaten to throw us, with comments like "I brought you into this world naked and I can throw you out on the street naked" when I was in kindergarten. I remember that my grandmother had sent me a pair of pants for Christmas,--and I imagined that I would not be fully naked.
That "unconditional love" was always conditional, even when it was labeled as unconditional. I believe this "love" was more performative than actual emotion behind it, because it was always taken away when things were done that they didn't like.
This!
My Mom gave me the “death stare” when she faked cried her way out of a discussion with me. She tried to be all apologetic and extra kind when she came back, then I told her “no im not talking to you anymore about stuff like this.” She gives me the narc death stare.
If you have to wonder then it was conditional.
Nothing human ia fully unconditional
Calmness is not “passivity, weakness or co-dependency. Calmness is being in control of myself.” This is such a good statement. Thank you Jerry
"Why can't you be more like your sisters?"
Obviously, I am an alien.
My grandmother used to say that to my mother about my uncle!
The women in my family act like baby machines and thought I was barren because I had planned parenthood, they had 3 kids at 22 and I had my 1st at 34, ridiculously stupid are they, as if I didn't think their ill prepared financially strapped young selves disgusting.
Why can't you be like your sisters?
One nephew stabbed somebody and the other nephew is special needs so no thanks. My son is healthy, independent and a family man!!!
My teachers said that to me, it was horrid.
Your sister has long hair and is skinny so life is going to be harder for you because your chubby.
The nice thing about not being able to trust others, is that there are a hell of a lot more people out there who are untrustworthy than there are those who are trustworthy.
!!!!
Haha true! Thx for finding something positive
It is definitely a silver lining. Although it is unhealthy and unfortunate to have trauma, it can protect you in some ways in later life.
@@charlottetaylor4471. It absolutely has.
Another advantage is that you learn to validate yourself and not look for validation from others. This definitely has made me stronger. God knows a person won’t get validation from a narcissistic parent(s)
Even if you just have one narcissistic parent that screws up a lot.
If you have any questions or need more support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Nobody ever told me, I found out for myself. 😮
ozzy!!!
Best line ever
Same. Very early on. ( and thanks God for ‘ healthy’ Grandparents.
Yup, you’re expected to grow up quickly. It’s crazy.
I think this video gave voice to a silent scream that I have. I feel like I started the game of life 10 positions behind as I had two narcissistic parents. I'm 40 years old and starting to fight for a better life, knowing that I lost a lot and seeing that I'm going to live with "what's left" of life. I feel very sad, without hope. Having to start from scratch at 40 years old. But I also believe that there is a God in heaven who will never abandon me and will help me even in this situation.
Hey. I felt the same but im now 42 and taking life by the horns. It's never,ever too late, your comment got me.. please don't let your past define or defeat you 🙏
@@ludofrost tysm
I thought very similarly and have grieved the loss a lot. Im coming round to the perspective that many people, especially pre-internet days, only find out about narcissism in their 50’s, 60’s and later and then have to start again. I think it’s great we get to start at age 40 ❤
Jesus Christ saved me from narcissistic abuse. It’s demonic and He has all the power over them. Turn to Jesus my friend. He will heal your soul!
This is going to be tough to watch. 😫 Some of us unimaginably underdeveloped and unsocialized.
Yep, and it hurts us in so many ways.
Absolutely! Mine never allowed us to express emotions. If we cried we were told, "Stop That!" Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Rage. Betrayal. Zero boundaries. Control, control, control. Projection, gaslighting, stonewalling, shaming. This caused health issues, anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, etc.
Yep :(
If you’d like more insights and support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
"Why do you have so many issues? no one else in this family does"
“…they know how to give me the worship I’m entitled to.”
It's called being the identified patient.
@@johnm3544 the chief issue was that he was *able* to do so - that he knew *what* to do, and had the capacity to then do so.
Imagine if you’re *unable* to perceive both the need to *be* a dutiful worshiper, and then, *unable* to determine just *HOW* your betters demand such worship - what portions of their anatomy need “massaging,” etc - due to disabilities you do not know you have at that time.
They don’t realize - or believe - that you’re even trying, then. It’s impossible to make them happy. It’s the same everywhere.
That’s when the abuse *really* starts.
It’s why I have PTSD like I do.
My "mother" once broke out crying at the dinner table, "why can't you just be married and have babies like all of my friends kids?" I said something snarky, then drove away to live in "sin" with my bf at the time. It's so aggravating, yet insightful to look back on those moments. As an empath, I feel sorry for someone who lives embittered and judgmental, but I also refuse to be treated like crap because I don't live up to those expectations. (I also medically can't have children, so there's that).
@@dennisyoung4631 Looking back, When I was young realised I didn't know the password and was never going to be given it ( because supposedly I wasn't worthy), so subconsciously knew I could never win and decided not to play the game. So in a sense I wasn't trying and was running with the hare. As you say, that's when the abuse starts.
I'm Autistic and my parents are narcissists, a horrible combination.
Same!!!
Same .
Yes, happened here too.
It’s made worse when you cannot tell what they want in real time. In my case, it wasn’t until years later that I got some idea of what was wanted.
Same
Maybe your parents are autistic too?
They won’t just fail to prepare you, they actively sabotage your life and career aspirations. I got myself setup to go to college, got an internship before college that was turning into a full time job, my when my mom was getting divorced she made me quit the internship, not start college and move back home with her, I was devastated to the point where I tried to self delete. When I got out of the hospital, I started a job, worked 2 years and saved up to move back and go to college, I would end up having to co-sign with my mom for a loan, the school sent to loan money to her and she spent it! This caused me to incur a tuition balance and not be able to finish college. So now I’m permanently stuck in a position where I’m not able to earn enough money to be completely independent. My mom wants me to never talk about how she wrecked my college and just blame me for both of us being adults stuck at home.
omg that’s terrible, don’t give up and don’t follow any path of sabatoge! don’t give up on yourself!!
Get her for fraud.
Suing her is reasonable. Just saying.
Can't you rebt a room somewhere? She's created a dependency for you so you can't "get away".
I was horrified when I realized that I modeled many of the behaviors of my abusive narc. parent when raising my own kids. Since they are adults, I can apologize and explain why I did certain things - and why it was wrong - and though they accept my apology, I cannot undo any of it. It's a bitter pill. I am so grateful for having such loving, forgiving and understanding children - I wish I was as forgiving of myself for being blind for so long. I see it so clearly now!
Some narc parents never grow up or take responsibility. You are growing and learning now, and your kids see you making an effort. My 78 yr old nmom is childish and selfish, she’s been cut off (again). Done with her BS. Have to launch my last child without nmom criticizing both of us all the way. Too negative too.
Respect for you that ypu apologised your children.
@@NightMystique13 Thank you for your kind words - I wish you the very best 💜
@@katryk94 💜
This is all I ever wanted from my own mom. She can't rewind and do it over again, but she can feel sorry and apologize for hurting me, but she never has. I stopped talking to her because she refused to take responsibility for what she did or denies it even happend. I think you're doing lightyears better than her in that respect.
2:32
My narcissist mom “homeschooled” us so we couldn’t have positive role models, we were completely isolated at home. She gave us nothing but constant stress, and nothing more than an 8th grade equivalent “education.” Even at 36, I feel a whole level of screwed that no one else in my narc survivor communities have been able to relate to… it’s terribly isolating all over again.
I'll bet you're super smart, she wanted you to see the world according to her, cripple you up, keep learning you see 1st hand what an uneducated leads to, being like your mom!
I can relate. My narc mom homeschooled me and my siblings. We were hers to do with as she pleased. The only thing I ever learned from her is that I should never trust anybody unless I want to get used and abused.
I'm 34 now and I feel like I'll never be able to do the things I want to do with my life, not that I even know what those things are in the first place. It's terrible and it makes me feel very, very sad. I'm so sorry you had to deal with being treated like that too. Sending you some love ❤
Same. I was homeschooled until college as well and my mom refused to teach me anything that “annoyed” her or anything that she couldn’t understand. So, biology was out, chemistry was out, and a good chunk of English/writing was out. I didn’t even know what chemistry was until I got to college. Literally. 😑 I have 4 degrees now (maybe to compensate? 😆) and of course my parents laughed at me or completely ignored me when I graduated each one.
❤🙏
@@Cake8833same, I’m sorry ❤
I was the scapegoat in spite of being precocious at an early age. My good qualities made me a target. Became chronically ill to the point I couldn't get away from them. I am a magnet for narcs and my life is a train wreck. Trying to fix it.
Twinsies
Jesus Christ is your savior if you invite Him.
@@heterodoxx5300 Jesus has been in my life all my life. You need to tell that to the perps, they need it more than I do.
@@heterodoxx5300 The tormentors need him more than I do
I knew from a very early age that my family was dysfunctional. I grew up watching LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE BRADY BUNCH and I never seen an episode where kids were beaten by drunk parents or called each other hurtful names, kick open doors and punch holes in the walls. I didn't know of other families on the block where the cops visited often. I used to dream that one day I could grow up to be a hermit. Live somewhere in the mountains.
That was my dream too. The older I get the worse my health is; need to be near hospitals. 😕
🙋♀️ yup. 💯
I started trying to set boundaries in my late 20’s. I failed miserably. The people that I set them with denied knowing what I was talking about. That was the late 1980’s. No one was talking about narcissistic abuse back then. I felt broken, disconnected, and unlovable since my teen years. No skills in coping and stressed about literally everything. Thank God for RUclips counselors like Jerry Wise.
It was not allowed to be talked about on the older media years, decades ago & I am 68 & now I know!! Well, better late than never!!
Amen sister!
I hate how it has taken decades to figure it out.
That's the nature of Complex-PTSD. In our younger years, we're too deep in denial, delusion, emotional immaturity, Stockholm syndrome. It takes time for our brain, mind and soul to truly process what's happened, and to wake us up, but not so quickly that we have a complete breakdown. The slow realisation is probably a defence mechanism.
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Its all about them. You're there to make them look good. You're not allowed to mature into an independent self sufficient individual, an adult because they need to feed on you. There needs to be a scapegoat for everything wrong with them.
On the rare occasion when none of the children are a scapegoat but the other parent is and is driven out of the family and alienated (parental alienation). The kids still serve the purposes you outlined though, that doesn't change.
@@AA-iy4gm yes. It's what happened to me as a child. My father initiated the divorce and I ended up living with him. My mother was removed from the picture. He was the narcissist. My mother was troubled and had undiagnosed schizophrenia but she had strong maternal instincts, she was acutely aware and she was good at sniffing people out. She didn't like the dynamics on my father's side of the family. Low and behold on dads side they all had failed marriages and became alcoholics. In public they were all "successful" and intellectuals of sorts but failed miserably at life. Dads brother an architect became a homeless alcoholic, his sister died from alcoholism too. All "flying monkeys" around my dad.
I think their mother was a narcissist and grandpa, their father however respected by many I think was likely weak and really wasn't a father in a proper sense. They said grandpa rarely spoke but when he did everyone listened. Which I inadvertently interpreted as oh so you think it was a quality of a stoic character but in reality he wasn't emotionally available and he never taught you anything. My dad was like that too. Silent generation Byzantine despotic patriarchichal. Control through fear and keeping you emotionally hostage. Guised everything as in seemingly caring about everyone and that even i wasn't that important but what it meant was "its all about me and my reputation"
if you don't have a strong father figure most likely your life will become am amateur night. You won't have a compass. But grandma was the narcissist who passed it on to my dad who never really separated from her and she lived with him and me, until she died. In public he was the responsible one who worked hard had a high position in the company, single father but it was all part of the narcisist structure of everyone holding him in high esteem but inside he was depressed and slowly dying and not fun to be around. The personal family life was a shipwreck with some woman he dated many years who lived eith us and was the evil stepmother of sorts. I saw his shadow I lived it. It was something that was hidden from the public but i knew and I was the scapegoat.
Thank you doctor. Im almost 37. And i break down in tears whenever I recall the pains and hurts of my life growing up till the age of 30... it has been a WAR trying to just be myself in my own home...
The constant criticism and goalpost moving meant I strived and strived until I burned out.
Luckily for me I found your channel and Dr Ramani and worked on rewriting my own brain. I have skills despite my parents and I am very proud of my progress. Having narcissistic parents means you’re raising yourself. Sending good luck to you all ❤
I am two modules into your program Jerry - I love knowing what work I have to do now. I’m moving on from learning about narcissism and I’m now learning how to grow myself - set boundaries- feel my feelings- know my limits - be my self ❤
Thank you Jerry
'I have skills despite my parents ...'😢 😢😢😢😢😢😢
They're so wrapped up in their needs and desires, they don't tell or explain anything to u. Might as well been raised by wolves.
Exactly my experience.
Same! My NM went to extremes to ruin my life.
Wolves would probably teach more
Orphanage.
I sometimes feel my family just threw me to the wolves and shouted criticisms at me from afar while I tried to survive to make themselves feel better. They weren't the problem, after all, it was that judgemental, truth-telling child they had that was ruining their good times. I also sometimes feel like telling people that I was a feral child when I run into instances where I accidentally violate some social norm. I feel embarrassed, but my parents never taught me manners and social etiquette. I've just had to do my best and sometimes I really miss the mark.
My late mother was a manipulative Borderline (same Cluster B Personality Disorder Category). She was a perfectionist. She wanted me to be perfect to make her look good. I grew up "other-focused" due to being emotionally neglected. However, I got my driver's license when I was 17. She did not like to drive. I did and still do. But, life skills were not taught. Trust issues were major in my family of origin. This video makes it plain.
How is one supposed to grow up and be an adult and to be mature(!into their 40s and 50s!) when you have a parent-as well as other family members-who constantly speak to you in an extremely PATRONIZING manner?!!
You go no contract.
No contact is the answer, it takes time though. It’s taken me 10 years to slowly drift away. You could do it faster though, I just needed to observe from time to time.
Keep constantly reminding yourself that that's a reflection of only their character and their bitterness is coming through with their patronizing comments, they're trying to create a diversion from their own insecurities and inadequacies.
THIS
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is dr.porassss.
They give their children wrong rule book to life.
❤
You mean Scripture? Nothing else will work, and those who don’t use it usually blame others for their problems.
@@charliewhon6548 Keep gods out of people's business. And no I don't think giving new born bibles and providing them with minimum care is going to work.
@@Vlad_the_Impaler if someone trusts Scripture enough to give it to a baby, Then hopefully they would also be the type of person who respected it enough to do what it says. And if so, then we are to prefer others over ourselves. And love our neighbor as ourselves. So if everyone just did those two things written in Scripture, we wouldn’t have narcissists to ruin our childhoods in the first place now would we?
But, if you don’t want God, then all you have is Fortuna, so good luck.
@@charliewhon6548This looks like a real life example of covert narcissistic gaslighting behavior by using a religion...Very educational.
I visited my mother
The first thing she said was
" Why dont you ever wear a dress , you are always in pants " ?
The whole time I was with her she controlled the conversation .
My sense of self reflected by her dissatisfaction with my presence was hard .
Not a kind word
My mother said to me once “You’re still wearing those ugly pants?” She was the one who gave them to me.
@@jackih9682 yeah I get it .
You talked about my whole life in this video! As a result of being left behind in my adult life I am unemployed and chose an emotionally unavailable partner. I wish I could afford therapy! Thank you for this enlightening video.
Keep trying ❤ you’ll get there! And you can get a long way with all the free (RUclips, internet) information out there. By then you might be employed and able to afford counselling. It does take a lot of time and effort but you can do it!
Jerry's videos, Dr. Ramani's videos, Patrick Teahan's videos -- thankfully, there are a lot more video resources from knowledgeable people for those of us who find or have found ourselves in that place ♥♥♥
"It's not you" by Dr.Ramani Durvasula is a good 📖.
I think Mr Wise has a free program, you may check his website. I can relate to your situation, it's never too late to end an abusive relationship but the real work is starting to finally love and forgive ourselves. I wish you all the best
Totally a lack of emotional support and it still continues... i wasn't prepared at all, they never told me anything about the outside world... had to do what i was told and thats it...i dont like crowds at all...
If you have any questions or need more support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
#1 - I GET how anyone NOT RAISED BY CRAZIES WILL RIGHTFULLY SAY - OMG HOLY S THESE NASTY UNGRATEFUL P OS FS. BLAMING THEIR LOVING PARENTS
BUT 2.
IF U BEEN IN IT. YOU KNOW - IF YOU AINT BEEN THROUGH IT - U ARE NOT QUAL8FIED TO SPEAK ON MADNESS YOUVE NEVER SEEN
IF YOU BEEN THERE YOU KNOW
💯 %
🎯🎯🎯
🎉🎉🎉
So spot on …constant fear mongering ..any accomplishments downplayed or ruined by criticism inappropriate self centered destructive behaviors if tried to celebrate with them ..I did not break them …I cannot fix them and why can’t I have my own preferences ? They certainly have their own preferences and don’t hesitate to share …oh but theirs are correct and mine always wrong …gets old …thank you for this Jerry -you are an amazing
I developed a fear of failure severe enough that now as it's carried into my adulthood, I don't try new things and when I do, if I'm not good at it right away, I feel so. TERRIBLE. about myself that I put it down and possibly don't pick it up again. I think this is the worst outcome of my upbringing. It keeps me from doing the work I need to do to change my life and create the life I want. It sucks and is so unfair.
In most ways, "it's never to late to catch up" is true, except one very important one. They stole the prime child-bearing years. When you were so broken and under their abusive control, it was impossible to even _want_ this most natural part of living. Wanting to become a parent was unthinkable when you had to suffer at the hands of your own. It's like Jerry said, "malignant normalcy". If that sort of parenting and family life was "normal" what sane person could want it for themselves and put another child through it?
After starting to heal, it feels like the real choice was stolen from you. It was a reaction to the life circumstances handed to you by your parents to protect yourself and potential family. I never really wanted my own family and I think I would be okay if the opportunity completely passed me by, but I wonder how much of it was really what I wanted. How much of that decision was just a reaction to being parentified from childhood and losing all of my teen years and and twenties to parenting my parents and siblings? The thought of taking care of _anything_ is exhausting, I don't even want pets.
I just want to know that I've made the right decision in this small window of time I have left.
I adamantly at a very young age decided I did not want to be a parent. It seemed monstrous and evil to raise a child. Im 60 now and alone. My friends have
Families and fun times. I am alone and struggle to be happy around their families. I just didn't want to be like my mother.
I would say that nothing happens in a vacuum. Everyone is shaped by their experiences and your feelings on this matter are completely valid. It's easy to say "yay let's have children" (as many narcissistic, abusive people do), but is that the right decision, considering your health, circumstances and the current state of the world? I completely understand what you're saying, but I think the reality and context of our lives is so important - we can't make decisions in a vacuum.
Also, I completely relate to finding the thought of caring for children absolutely exhausting. I've always found children exhausting and didn't know why for many years, just assumed I was "weird and miserable", when others exclaimed how joyful it is to be in the company of children. Now I know why.
I cried reading your comment i am a female in my early 40s and have been grappling with this exact thing, i never wanted a family due to the endless drama and am now second guessing that conviction. All the best to you and God Bless you in your path to healing
A good parent is one you don't have to recover from.
Wow is that an excellent statement
Can I use that?
I was raised by a narcissist/alcoholic. My whole childhood was fear based. It has taken me most of my adult life to learn all the things I didn't know. I had to parent myself to do it. It's been quite a hard journey but I am ok now!
Samym uleczeniem jest to by , nie tłumaczyć ich i uświadomić sobie , że są narcystyczni i wyrządzili ci krzywdę . I jak najszybciej zacząć pracę uleczenia siebie nie ich , bo ich uleczyć się już nie da , ale siebie .
I always thought my family was so happy and normal. It took people looking sad or horrified when I told stories of my childhood that made me finally understand that it was probably not so happy and normal.
My family was so abnormal!!!!!
Same! I cannot believe there was a time I would say, "I am so glad I had a perfectly normal family" 😬
I recently mentioned to my daughter how my parent would use fear to control me and ruin any event outside the home by making me a nervous wreck by the time I arrived (if I even went!). When I looked up and saw tears rolling down her cheeks, it finally hit me how ABNORMAL my family dynamic was. My parent STILL does it,
@@OhPleaseMary it's good you told your child the truth.
@@ThePinkPantha21 Thank you - I appreciate the feedback 💜
@@OhPleaseMary Careful about venting to your child, that can cause its own problems. Unless she's an adult, lol.
I was the dumbed down little servant for far too long but you know, I owed them bigtime for food, clothes and shelter.
Because you.were never given the right tools or skills to be able to leave home and live on your own and supply those things to yourself.
Held back in life and expected to be thankful for the incomplete life you have at their expense. Its enough to drive you mad if you let it.
@@koenhughes9267 some of the final words exchanged were, you've changed a lot. I replied, A lot has changed me.
I always called it neglect and abuse then you don’t go near them
This video should be considered mandatory watching, as it explains so much that goes on with a toxic family. At least it explains what went on with mine.
All of the points mentioned in the video were applicable to my childhood, as both parents were complete narcissists who were focused on their own needs and no one else. Both constantly meddled in my life, and kept my brother and me from many of what should be considered adulting. One parent was non-existent, while the other had no clue as she was doing as a parent. Neither should have been parents in the first place as they were clearly not meant for parenthood.
What first caught my eye as far as how toxic each parent truly was two months ago when I was hospitalized. I truly saw the difference between a somewhat healthy family (my wife’s family, who were nothing but supportive of my condition) and a toxic one (both my parents made my situation about themselves rather than my situation).
It was at this point where I ceased contact with either parent and chose to self-heal. Both my parents think of themselves as model parents even now and can’t understand how I could cease contact with them.
Yep! It's taken life changing matters to really see how messed up it all is. This happened to me after a very traumatizing pregnancy and birth with my second child. My BPD parent made it ALL about her and I was barely alive. It was the driving force behind me going no contact, because if I am going to struggle I would rather do it alone and not having to worry about the PD bottomless pit of need while I can barely care for myself.
My parents duped me into working for them for 15 years at their business. Future faking me constantly while they and my older gc sister stole from me directly.
My mil has also spent her entire life grifting people and found the perfect victim in her oldest son, my husband. She has cried poor so we helped and the entire time she was using that money to support her gc son so he could buy second properties on our dime.
It was more direct sabotage for us. Society told us we owed them for barely raising us. We're almost 50 and just barely escaped these demons. I hope we can recover quickly enough to not be destitute in our old age.
I'm happy you got out.
I'm in the process of leaving the 'family farm' after decades of future faking, and bread crumbing.
I'm 52, I hope I can get far enough ahead to leave something for my kids.
amberinthemist Yes, narcissism is a demonic, satanic energy. We have amazing strength for being able to survive all this. Many blessings to you and your husband!
My parents projected their insecurities onto me. They didn’t want me driving because they were too scared but told everyone that I was the one that was too scared to drive. While everyone had their normal milestones, I was years behind. I didn’t get to go to the mall without my parents until I was 18, didn’t drive until I was 21. I dated behind their back bc it was the only thing I could control, so when I was serious about someone and “brought him home”, I was 26. My mom made a scene during thanksgiving. At that age, people were getting engaged or married and here I was introducing them to my boyfriend for the first time. I’m in my late 30’s and I feel so behind in life. Because of this lateness, I kept this pace. They expected us to get married in 2 years but I waited until I was in my early 30’s. I feel like I’m just getting everything together but part of my feels grief that I didn’t do it earlier or on time like everyone else, thanks to my parents’ emotional immaturity and need for control. Thanks for this video.
I feel you
If you're looking for additional support and strategies to navigate these emotions and move forward, you might find my free training helpful. It provides insights into personal growth and overcoming obstacles. You can explore it here: www.coaching.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/jerrywise
I'm 40 now, and I feel most of the time like a defenseless, lonely, weak child. There is always this burning sadness and feeling of loneliness! It's really difficult to carry it day by day.
Hi, you're not alone... I'm 49, I've recently gone no contact with my 87 yr dad, I feel the same...very alone, guilt, sadness, shame, failure..shunned by wealthy older sibling...yep it's a daily battle, I wish you all the best in your life journey...be kind to yourself. 😊
@@tonymontana-uw1bq thank you! I wish you too all the best 😊
Same
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. Carrying such deep sadness and loneliness can be incredibly challenging. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and seek support to help navigate them.
If you’re interested in finding strategies and support to manage these feelings and work towards healing, my free training might provide some helpful insights. You can explore it here: www.coaching.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/jerrywise
My gf's childhood was that bad that she still has never gotten over it now she's 50 yrs old. Everyday she wants to end herself because of how backwards she feels due to having to raise herself. No one cared if she went to school, if she had any breakfast or lunch to eat nor if she had clean clothes or school supplies. Her father was a terrible alcoholic & both parents gambled their wages away every week leaving the whole family in poverty all the time. She describes her home life to a war zone, never knowing when the next fight would break out. She also received "hidings" from her siblings but there was never anyone to talk to about it. Today my gf has anxiety attacks upon waking & it takes a LOT to get her to get out of bed just to face the day. Poor girl, I show her unconditional love & she seems to respond well to that but I feel so bad for her, it's so wrong what parents can do to their own children.
Thank you Jerry for talking about these things and bringing them out of the dark in a manner that does not blame the children.
I feel like there’s nowhere to talk about these things because they’re so “taboo“. It’s like in our society, we’re not allowed to say anything against parents. Everything is heaped upon the children. It’s so backwards. I think it tells us where we come from in our society.
Maybe it’s no wonder that in a lot of our fairy tales from “the old country”, we have lot of child abuse in it. Maybe that is a message to us in the present time of where we’ve come from. And a warning.
Do not blame the child !!
So many layers of sabotaging . It happened again and again in different Seasons of development. There was/is no safe harbor.
I’m not sure how but I survived and am sane. That is enough.
I try to be a good enough mother to myself. Creating my own safe harbor.
So true! My narc mother parented me with a peculiar two-pronged approach of tyranny and neglect. She was ALWAYS up my tail, snooping, scrutinizing, controlling, ridiculing, punishing…but had little time for demonstrating life skills, fostering independence, encouraging relationships with individuals of both sexes, or allowing my access to any means by which I might escape from her clutches. My mother was an outstanding cook, an excellent swimmer and a terrific seamstress; yet I had to teach myself how to cook, I can only stay afloat to save my life, and my sewing abilities are limited to hand-stitching hems and re-attaching buttons.
By the time I entered my 20’s and became able to get away from my mother, I was an anxious, depressed, socially inept and ill-prepared to function in the workplace, particularly with submitting to authority. Attempting to conform to the career I was forced into drove me into a moderately severe depression. My development into adulthood did not truly begin until I was almost thirty…and a part of me still feels-and may always feel-developmentally delayed.
Just learning gow to be an adult at 31
It's disheartening at times. I am so so very grateful for this video. A most invaluable education.
Thank you! I'm glad you find the content accurate and helpful. If you’d like to delve deeper into these topics, I invite you to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
At 52, the last visit from my father over Father’s Day…he was on his “best” behavior!! Making sure I knew that he was incentivizing me to buy a new house in the new city I loved to by telling me “I won’t come visit you until you have a house because I’ve spent 1000 on this trip including hotel expense.” On the phone with a realtor he’s sitting next to me telling me what to say…it’s very insulting, insufferable and degrading. It was if he was saying “you don’t know how to handle your life at this late age/stage and need me to give you the words”.
More than anything I know that I will live and die by my choices.
I don’t want my parents help or money anymore. 🎉
The antisocial aspect, "they never tought me adulting" and identity are so true. I'm lucky enough to have Internet and access to books, and other people. Now I can at least try to catch up in adulting. Like I can barely cook and I hate cooking. Maybe because when I tried or still try to help my mom, I get yelled at for not cutting the vegetables properly, for example. I have a drivers licence and a job, but I feel like a teenager when I face any important issues.
Growing up I barely could go to a friends house, even when I was past high school. I was stuck in a dead-end relationship, I still don't know what I want for myself in life while approaching 30s.
The funniest thing is : my mom still expects me to become rich or marry into rich, be a social butterfly, cook like a chef etc.
I've never heard anyone address this. I felt this tremendously. It's like they tie you into a wheelchair for 20 years when you really don't need one. So as a young adult (if you indeed manage to escape) you are starting from scratch to learn what skills you in fact have and how to work with people and so many other things that should have been naturally developmentally progressed through at 3, 5, 10, 15 and so on.
I'm so angry.
Boundaries are still something that I am learning about and working on..
I’m almost 40 and just started learning how to set healthy boundaries. It’s hard. I never know whether I’m being too harsh or too soft. What makes it worse is trying to set boundaries with my boundary-destroying narcissistic mother. I’ve gone no contact for the fourth time in six years. She and my father have held me back in the first half of my life. I can’t have them ruin the second half too.
I want to thank everyone for being brave enough to share their struggles. In my house, my mother was abusive and I learned in that past few years she was a narcissist. I felt so alone not being taught basic things in life and feeling like a teen as an adult trying to function in the world. Thank you for helping me feel less alone.❤❤
When you talk about how there's nothing wrong with liking vanilla over chocolate, that's exactly the kind of narcissistic family I came from too. If I liked something, I would talk for hours about how it was "just ok" to my sister. Trying to hide that I liked it. I mean adamantly for hours or even days claiming that the thing I liked was only average and not really that special. The more I liked it the more I would do that. Because I was terrified of liking things that were different from my family because of how much they bullied me over it, my sister especially. It hasn't been until recent years that I realized how big of a red flag that was but I had no idea back when I was only 9 years old. The shame for me over liking what I liked was just real. I didn't question it. And my family gender shamed me too, constantly. My mom just said "that's not for girls" when I liked something, like astronomy or video games for example. And I was forced to wear girl clothes
Immature people will shame you for literally anything 🤷 who needs em
Omg I had to check the profile eho write this. I thought that I might be myself and I didnt remember 😭
It’s so trippy seeing all you guys relate similar experiences. I never tell people things I like because I always assume I’ll get a ‘who the f**k cares what you think’.
Thanks. I wonder how much of this is generational? With the boomer generation, there generally seems to be a listening, but then it's back to the same words and behavior, on repeat, consistently.
I've learned to say, "that's them and I'm me." I usually just say it to myself but out loud can also be helpful.
To me the corporations in society are a lot like my parents. I see their insane need for excessive control as if they were my parents. The mirror seems to be reflecting infinitely in this way. The narcissists ... the narcissists ... I won't even get started on politics!
What is this infiinite mirror asking of me?
In high school I wanted to take an art class and a dance class. My mom would tell me I couldn’t take art because I couldn’t draw and I couldn’t take a dance class because I couldn’t dance. It was like you couldn’t learn how to do something unless you already knew how to do it. As an adult if I wanted to take a class at the community college or do something she didn’t approve of she would say “what do you want to do that for?” or “who talked you into doing that?”
My parents were terrible with discipline and obsessed with punishment. Punishment for me liking anything they didn’t, punishment for not worshipping my dad’s extremely rude and entitled parents, & for being energetic and hyper and ambitious as a child. I despise and will never respect them again. I don’t care what anyone reading this thinks of me for this.
If you’re seeking ways to process these experiences and move forward, you might find my free training helpful. It offers insights into navigating personal challenges and growth. You can explore it here: www.coaching.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/jerrywise.
Taking steps to understand and address these feelings is a crucial part of your healing journey.
Your feelings are valid, no one can judge you for how you feel!
By not being there at crucial stages such as turning into a teenager.
Turned 30 today. Still working a minimum wage job. Mine insisted I work from a very young age instead of getting an education. I also do not fit in with "office" people as they seem so "normal" with fairly normal families. It sucks.
Don't give up on yourself. Some people aren't office people. I work in an office and some of these ppl are dysfunctional. There are the same group of people in every work culture.
You'd be surprised to find out you're not so different from them office people after all. Many of them have the same story and insecurities as you, but they keep moving forward. Go for that better job and don't stop there. You have just as much right to pursue better for you! Give God the glory and trust Him!
This video is a God send, but so is the comments. Thanks yall for helping me not feel so alone.
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Ooh I relate so much with evrything you describe here😢 And the title ".. behind in life" that's me. Absolutely! I'm 42 and I live with my mother. For a while now I think "I don't know how to live. Lost Is the word
Forty two? Get in your own house.
You will find your way ❤❤
@@imzabatch thank u very much ❤️❤️❤️
Stay strong
@@keloisin7487 thank u
I had my kitchen remodeled at age 46. I was going to get a locking pantry door, because it seemed perfectly reasonable to me. Growing up all the food was locked up. Not even the maid had keys..... it took me a minute, but now I see how crazy that is....
Maid?
@@hipsonsogbo in my experience, narcissists are rarely poor..... and that was the 1980s.
@@jaycristoval6155 well that would be an interesting study, narcissists and income. Definitely lots of narcissists that are hopeless with money though.
I started reclaiming myself at the age of 34 . They taught me to be afraid of anything, to lack confidence and not speak up for yourself, to attach to toxic people and tolerate abuse, to forget any creativity I naturally had in me. They ruined me. It’s been 8 years since I started my healing journey. Meditation and being a scholar of psychology have helped me so much
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I watched this video this morning and it struck so deeply in my soul ,it was overwhelming, I had to go sit quietly for a while to process it.
A lot of old feelings surfaced , even of being in a
shellshocked state, as a child. The only way I can describe it.
Every point ,describes the situation I had with my parents.
My father had a severe rage issue, he had violent tantrums like a two year old in an adult body, which was very disturbing and embarrassing, (if in public). He was impulsive, made a lot of bad choices and always blamed others when things went wrong He could switch to in your face threatening for anything he didnt like. We had to walk on eggshells continuously. My mother who was being abused herself, was neglectful, and covertly abusive to me.
Neither of them wanted me spending time with other people. I had read stories of children being found locked in the attic for years and I use to imagine, my parents would have done the same ,if they'd had one. I did know from an early age my parents were different to other's and something was very wrong with them , but of course ,rarely had the chance to experience normal interactions with others, so I was functioning with only what I knew.
Unsurprisingly, I didnt cope well as I got older and had very bad experiences because of it.
Ive worked hard at improving myself and Im a lot better, but I have social anxiety and am socially awkward.
So often I hear about "micromanaging". This surprises me. My mom didn't give a rip what I did as long as I didn't ask anything from her....meanwhile she still expected me to worship her and tell her what a great mother she was for feeding me top ramen and paying the rent. Way to go, mother of the year.
This video and everyone's comments are one of the most helpful things I've found online. Yes reading books helps you understand and process - and is essential - but my goodness, feeling like you're not alone, hearing other peoples stories, that its not just you, you're not the only one, that others understand you, that you realise you're not the odd one out - it makes me feel like I'm not crazy for feeling the way I have. I identify so much with what you all say - I'm 44 and feel like I'm only starting to grow up and become an adult now - my relationship skills are so poor, I'm only starting to learn what I should have learned in childhood. I feel like my life could have been so different, and it upsets me to think how things could have been - but accepting you're not the only one helps me actually feel more normal, not so much of an outsider. There are so many people who have so many challenges in life - and understanding that too is helpful, as in many have challenges we know nothing about - which in saying that, helps me to look forward, because if others can move forward, then so we all can - every life is so different and we can't help the hands we are dealt, and there is no shame in that, although for years or rather decades, that's how I felt...
If you’re looking for additional support and strategies to continue moving forward and building on what you’ve learned, my free training might offer some helpful insights. You can check it out here: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Remember, it’s okay to feel like you’re starting to grow up later than others-what matters is the progress you’re making now and the positive changes you’re working towards.
@@jerrywise Thank you for the link Jerry, really helpful - you do fantastic work and help so many people - its much appreciated :-)
Great video. Extremely accurate! I'll be 40 soon and I'm still working through many of these things. I have always felt behind others, but now I can see why. It's very hard to go out into the world and explore when you weren't encouraged or taught to be independent. Lots of reading, therapy, and seeing myself differently have helped me over time. 👍
Thank you! I'm glad you find the content accurate and helpful. If you’d like to delve deeper into these topics, I invite you to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
Im 34, living in my car, running low on finances, going to court on Thursday to face multiple criminal charges from my wealthy boomer mother.
Im smart, handsone, quick learning, kind to others, physically fit, and treat people with kindness.
Its a long story, but my parents have destroyed my life.
that is really sad... praying for you
Have you tried delivering food?
You have a bright future…let the past go and be the best version of yourself…at least you have a car to shelter in. A lot of people don’t even have that. Start giving Thanks🎉 and counting the blessings you do have…even small. This too shall pass. You may not choose to continue a relationship with your mother after this. As a grown man, that is💯 your choice. As you move past this place in your life you will make choices that will free you from blaming your parents or mom for your current state of living.
Ask yourself…what matters to you? What is your why?
At 52 stripping everything down to bare basics and selling/giving away a lot of possessions has been very freeing to me. Does my family really support and understand my need for this? The best they can. My choice for me would never be their choice for me. 😂
That's why I split and went to hop freight in my early 20s 🚂
I'm supposed to be a child to them but an adult to myself. I was a selfish young adult to my parents for prioritizing myself in undergrad. Now that i am older, i prioritize them. Then when i ask for help, "you're adult. Take care of yourself!" Then my father has me help him use the toilet because he can't go alone. He's adult too.
Oh lord ana. This is my opinion...nit a womam should NEVER find herself qiping her fathers ass. Espevially a neglegent father(if yours was). Its dehumanozing and you dont deserve it. He can call medicaid or have the state come in. Id be done with that yesterday...ahain my opinion. But hell NO
Is it possible to go no-contact & just let social workers handle it?No amount of 💰/inheritance is worth being abused nonstop😮💨.Best wishes.
@@malwads1836 most of them, if not all, lie about inheritance anyway. I wouldn't count on any of it.
@@ThePinkPantha21 Exactly.My mom & I "inherited" a small 1,000sqft 🏠 when my sociopathic narc father suddenly passed away early this year...Turns out the mortgage was actually higher than when they 1st bought it in the 80's so she had to use a big chunk of the life insurance to finally pay off the 🏠.We're also having to completely replace the entire plumbing system for 21k, had to get a new roof, had to get the mortar redone on the chimney, get a few new 🪟s, need a new driveway, need a new garage door, need new 🚪s for the 🏠, need junk removal for the backyard he junked up, etc.Also we've spent weeks cleaning his junk/garbage out of the basement & his bedroom, he was a pack-rat.Even if you DO get something "nice"...Chances are it'll turn out to be not nearly as nice as you 💭 it'd be.He croaked with 41k of credit 💳 debt & we're so thankful my mom isn't on the 🪝 for it, we're also so relieved he croaked before he finished applying for refinancing the 🏡 a 3rd time.Best thing you can do is run baby run!
The point about being "other focused" vs. self focused is such a huge piece. Once I made the connection that I was always watching my father for self survival as a child (because of his rage fits) - I realized that's why I was always so focused on others in adulthood and why I always neglected myself. In my mind, focusing on others is literally key to my survival, otherwise I could be in danger (rage fits, beaten, punished, shamed, etc). Similarly, if I focused on myself, and didn't pay attention to what my father was doing, I could also be in danger, because I might miss him coming at me. So I always had to be other focused and ignore myself, for survival in the household when I was a kid. Making that connection was like flipping a switch. I've had so many realizations flow from thinking about that and how it defined so much of how I interact with the world and others, and myself, as an adult. Also, why, (considering the topic of this video), it feels dangerous and almost forbidden to simply focus on myself and build the life I would like to have. In terms of survival, to simply be myself feels like risking a death sentence.
Yes. I only just managed to drive a car and I’m 41 with two kids. My ptsd from my narc mother screaming at me that I would crash and die was so bad that I would shake when I got into the drivers seat. I now drive with some discomfort (it’s taken years of someone coming with me and helping me to even do that). I literally had no idea how to function as an adult.
Good for you, keep going! I’m 34 now but my narc grandmother told me that if I tried to drive I would “crash and die” with my then toddler son in the back! She said I would kill him! She’s crazy, she once tried to take him from me in her car without a seat belt on. She purchased a baby seat for her own car without asking me, so I had no excuse not to go out with her… she never wanted me to drive because she didn’t want me to be independent, she had no friends to go out with, just me unfortunately.
My brother is 1 year older than me, she paid for his driving lessons, test, car and insurance when he was a teen! Nobody offered me the chance to drive and I was at university so I couldn’t manage it. I have terrible anxiety about learning to drive but your comment gives me hope 🩷
Same here. I told my mom at 19 I wanted to get my drivers licence, I was a nanny at the time, the parents of the kids said they would put me in their insurance to help bring mine down later on. My mum said I was going to crash and kill both the little kids😢 I got my drivers licence at 40 and now I drive her around to get groceries.
Thank you for touching on this topic. I was so wholly maladaptive and unprepared for life, esp. work, I've spent many years figuring out how not to treat work as if my boss is my parent, and so many other things. Let myself be mistreated by companies, co-workers, etc. I used 1970s and 1980s TV to learn what "normal" was. You can imagine how that went
I hear you. Been there too.
Many stories but I had very immature social skills and made it into graduate school. 4 years of a second highschool experience. I wanted to quit every day for six months. Got straight As the first semester probably because I was so sure I was failing. After that I relaxed but I was always the odd person out in social circles. Then come out into the work world into a role of supposed leadership when all I did before was work as a checkout person at the grocery store. lol
🍊🍊
Not allowed to have social interaction with my peers, couldn't date until i was 18, pushing a really basic profession which was way beneath my potential. I was actually asked if my straight A report card could be improved to A+s. It took many years...I'm 60 now...I am my authentic self. (Which my mother HATED!) I believe she saw me as an accessory...like Paris Hilton with the little dog in her purse. I'm not the Barbie doll she wanted.
I was her caretaker in her last six years .... right after a divorce which wrecked me financially. My dad expected me to take care of things. I did and, in fact, hit it out of the park. Professionals often said they wished they had more patients' families like me.
I said my piece on her death bed.
Thankyousoverymuch for these videos! While I've done major work myself to overcome issues, these videos have really, really validated my feelings.
My parents never asked what my interests were, what I wanted to be, or how to further my own education. They only discouraged any efforts to individuate. I was flabbergasted by other people's parents and how they actually cared about their kids being happy.
Even if I got positive attention from other adults, my mother's facial expression would be absolutely negative. To this day I have to really focus to let myself have good things.
If you’re interested in exploring ways to develop a healthier mindset and approach to life, my free training might offer some valuable insights. You can check it out here: www.coaching.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/jerrywise
When my wife noticed her meagre retirement savings had been eaten away by fees while she was unemployed, her narcissist mother laughed at her and said “how can you not know about that?”.
If you have any questions or need more support, feel free to join my free training: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
@13:00 my dad scoffs and gets FURIOUS... Acts like im spoiled when i mention my need to be calm in order to feel confident and make decisions, apply for jobs, interact with people. He thinks that work has to be hard. That calmness is for lazy people. Its mental. And its invalidating. Dismissive. And its a boundary violation.
If you’re interested, my free training might offer some useful strategies for navigating these kinds of interactions and working on personal growth. You can check it out here: jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027.
In regard to Underdeveloped Social Skills... Thinking back to when I was 6 years old, it was drummed in to me that I must be very loyal to my mother, and I think I may have taken that too far by almost being afraid of developing friendships with kids in case my mother was jealous. I don't know if that is a thing or not but I had an insight about that the other day. Skipping ahead to one day as a teenager, I brought my best friend over to meet my mother, and my mother proceeded to make comparisons about me being better than her. I was a very odd and embarrassing situation.
Absolutely spot on...ticked every box. Thank you!
You are so welcome!