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According to what you described, I think I now understand why when I was in special ed High School, we had an afternoon class called TA FOR KIDS There was a red paperback book back in the '80s I hardly remember it, but I remember it was RED I wouldn't mind having a copy of THAT particular book.... It was in our classroom in somewhere in the mid to late '80s BEFORE I graduated and HAD to be discharged soon AFTER They need to bring that book back if it's not still being published, it can be of GREAT help to MANY I don't know if you recall that particular book, but maybe? If you do, you might talk to whoever published it and see if some publisher can bring it back, that specific book right THERE, and maybe hand it out to some of the people you're working with
The simplest, most beautiful, loving parental gesture I give myself is: a strawberry or raspberry sugar-free popsicle. I recall so clearly as a little girl, in the summer the neighborhood kids would come play in our backyard. One girl was so mean. My cruel, covert, pos, narc mother came outside with a box of popsicles... Gave the mean girl the best one..the cherry ... And gave me the shifty one..the Banana. Now I keep popsicles in the freezer and enjoy the best flavors anytime I want. F that old hag, piece of garbage, demonic, poor excuse for a parent!
And as an adult when I become overwhelmed and ask for help, my parents scream, "YOU'RE AN ADULT!!! I'M NOT TAKING CARE OF YOU!!!" And you also didn't take care of me as a child. How ironic.
They only see and behave in ways that benefit them. Tough pill to swallow when you come to this realization as an adult. Takes a long time, because innately if you are human - you have an attachment to your parents. Unfortunately, they don’t have the attachment to you, that you always believed.
Ironic also is how they twisted it to appear as if they were victims of you, I've been a stay at home mom for 30 yrs and what cash I do get is gladly passed onto my kids (28&26 plus their common-laws) to which I explain happiness shared is happiness doubled! One day my inheritance will come in and I'll pass much on, my challenge is to do so with no strings attached unlike what I lived with my parents!
Oh my God, yes, I remember Always hearing from him, when I was a kid and teenager crying asking for help to understand stuff... he was desperate and even yelled at me saying: "you have to be emotional intelligent!" hello I am a kid???
Why are you asking help from them then? They didn’t care about you then, they do not care about you now. It is the harsh truth about our narcissistic parents. Now love yourself, show that self-respect towards yourself and find healthy people you can rely on. Ask help of those only. Your parents, unfortunately, are the last people you should be asking help from or even sharing your weaknesses with. It can be done and I guarantee that your life will be much better for it. I wish you strength and steadfastness.
@@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xn The wife and I have spent 12 years helping seniors with thier pets.I thought i would teach them but dogs will teach you about 8 things like discipline, limits,play, love etc. my parents taught me to raise myself alone in a cold world of games and power.
My psychiatrist did an "ideal parent" exercise with me where I listed the qualities I wanted in a father. He reviewed the list, paused for a moment of thought and said I just described myself, adding, congratulations you don't need him anymore.
Yeah, my psychiatrist told me on my very last visit before he retired, "I knew the very first time I saw you, you needed to get away from your family" I've never been more angry in my life! That was after 7 years of of taking all sorts of drug cocktails that really screwed me up. He was just like my parents. That's why I don't trust doctors any more at all, or at least part of the reason.
@@scottharm3932Yeah, I realized that the therapist that I was going to was like my mother. The issue is that our picker is off because we are conditioned that they are our only source for help as they DO isolate us, so as a child that it true, so as am adult, we look for people like them 😅....I don't know what to say, but Jerry is a therapist and he obviously isn't like that, so ALL therapists aren't like this. It's us 😅. I've gotten more help from RUclips and IG than I have going to different people, but I've realized that I am at the mercy of my picker. With social media, the algorithm is the picker so I have hope, lol.
No. I've never even thought of it. I seem to just go blank on these day's, but with a sense of peace that mine are no longer here. Awful but that's what they drove me to. Never cried Never missed them either.
I didn’t realise how dysfunctional my family was until, as an adult, I spent an afternoon with another family on an outing. I was gobsmacked at the interaction between them and the relaxed atmosphere. I thought I was in a different universe.
Growing up I remember other kids coming over and commenting on how we all seemed to hate each other. I always thought we just had a different way of bonding through insults, cruel jokes and sarcasm. I figured it built me tough, and the other kids were just weak, but now I am alone, and they are not. I would take 'weakness' over this any day.
My parents teach me NOTHING. They didn’t raise me. They bullied, mocked, ridiculed me. Yet they expected me to take care of my younger sisters when I was just a young child.It’s not that they’re poorly educated or poor. They’re actually highly educated & had enough $ to hire a maid or babysitter. They just don’t want to be bothered with any parental responsibility. What’s even more sickening is they have built this perfect parent image to outsiders 😩🤦🏻♀️
@@Sitting8ull Our two Narcisisstic neighbor are doing that to thier two children right now.Problem is we have had the police in thier and CAS is coming next.They don't pay babysitters and spend the money on themselves. We have had it with them !!
Female children (of young and older age) are often made into child care providers for their siblings. Children directly report to them, not the parents. I was too! My “self” ?? I did not get that.
Indeed. My mother made me truly crazy and when I was in the hospital she came there to put me down. I chased her away. Now everything I do she blames my illness, which I think she caused 😪
I do. Thanks for sharing that. I am only now recognizing how others parent. I don't know right away but react with longing and deep sadness. Neither of my parents were affectionate. I had never been hugged, no kisses or well wishes. When my brother, in his thirties, confronted her with "why have you never told us you love us?". She raged at us saying because. And we could never touch her. It was forbidden at an early age. But I have survived and found peace with all that. I'm 76 yo.
BIG TIME!!! I am overwhelmed by lingering sadness for DAYS when I visit my best friend and witness how incredibly loving she is with her son and their wonderful relationship!!! I feel like I was robbed big time of the most precious and meaningful thing in life! Love!
🤔I always wondered how i was supposed to teach myself something i didn't know, yet knew i need to know it. I wasn't parented - I raised myself. 😵💫 It's exhausting to be in a perpetual life of "catching up"!😵💫
I was never taught anything. The social skills I learned were from learning from other people who were respectable people in the community and school. So sad.
@@juliej1520Then getting blamed for the bumps. Our trials pile up and appear to justify their opinion of us. That is hard to combat. They look fine and we are a mess...because they sucked our will to live then they blame us for wanting to die.
Yea!! THAT phrase has revealed a lot to me these last few weeks!! I ALWAYS looked for the bottom of the barrel...the bare minimum thing, the on sale things... Until recently... Thank you, Jerry.
here's one of my mum's favorite, guided all of our childhood : "if you're not smart enough to figure it out by yourself , there is nothing I can do for you", this worked for everything.She "believed" in any theory that validated the idea that she did'nt have to take care of us, like the free child theory, when it failed, it just meant we were stupid and unworthy of attention anyway.
That is amazing you have a doctor that understands trauma. Most of them don't. Most people still think trauma only happens to combat veterans and not everyday people who live daily in emotional warzones and have to navigate minefields hoping not to set one off.
I had a great Christian therapist for a while. He was amazing. He would tell me he was proud of me. Makes me cry thinking of it. He didn't think much of my father when I told him how he never cared.
"We're just thrown to the wolves out there." Every child, who has faced emotional and educational neglect. We were not guided. We were not taught to prevent or solve any conflicts, we were startled by angry outbursts of parents when we did something wrong (but they never taught us how to do any better). Life becomes incredibly unsafe and unreliable. The abuse at home sets you up for abuse outside of the home and you've learned no coping mechanisms. So we fall into aggression and/or depression. We are set up to fail on every front. BUT we Can heal. It takes time and tears.
@@gardenjoy5223 great post. Yep, theyre crimebags. All that evil for a night of wild sex. Crimebags. I look with deep suspicion at most parents. They had the sex that brought those kids into the world. No birth control. Crimebags forever. Your kids WILL CALL YOU TO ACCOUNT. And it wont be pretty, either, horney crimebags deserve all of it.
Thank you for this validation. I couldn’t go to my parents with problems and didn’t even realize that parents were there for emotional support. I learned early that I would be shamed, teased, etc, if I asked them for help. Every week day, I would have extreme anxiety, stomach aches because I was terrified to go to school. There were bullies and one particular psychopath, head of the football team…. And when I was very young, my first day of school, my dad was to drop me off at a woman’s house to be watched before getting on the school bus. I was crying hysterically begging him not to make me go and he pulled me out of his car, shoved me in the direction of the house and drove off. That was my first day of school.
@@SylvesterSun Yep, we specialize in having traumatic experiences in childhood. Sorry to hear your heartbreaks. Your parents were in no way the secure attachment figures and safety net, that they should have been. You must have felt an intense loneliness, when shoved off like that. It taught you, that you were not worthy of love and care. But you know what? You were then and you are now! You've been lied to through your parents and through bullies' words and actions your whole life. It's only normal you start to see yourself through their eyes. But they all were very wrong. You are lovable. You are worthy of kindness and goodness. And even though you might not have found it yet, you carry in you specific gifts to help make this world a better place. Hope you find someone safe, where you can let it out. It hurts. Your soul is wounded. But in the end, you will slowly dare to believe the truth about yourself. And its not that ugly set of lies they taught you. At first though, it feels like you are believing lies, when you look at the truth. It is so foreign to you. You can't except it. That's why I said it several times. To help you get acquainted to the idea. I myself found help in a Christian youth group. When I read in the Bible about Jesus Christ helping people out of really bad situations, I believed He could help me too. And He has. But it was a road to recovery, not an instant snap with the finger. The first year I always carried handkerchiefs with me, as I was working my way through the complex traumas of my youth. But some day I didn't need them so much anymore. And in the end I found out I'm highly gifted! And learned to give to others of what I had received myself. God bless and keep you.
My mother gave me the greatest gift of my life the day she said I'd grow up to be just like her. I suddenly realized I possessed a secret power, she could not control who I would be one day. For the last 50+ years, I have lived every day trying to be what she was not. Sometimes only we understand the true jewel within ourselves. Treasure it, polish it in secret if necessary, until the day you can reveal your true worth.
"polish it in secret if necessary" I've been using this strategy for years. I just keep putting in my work for my Self. I focus on me bc that's the only person I can control, and that investment in my Self is paying dividends.
They make a point of doing the minimum for the scapegoat, that's for sure. I think narc parents don't understand why they need to protect six year old children. They think the kid should be standing on its own two feet! Narc parents simply hate being parents.
@@giannisk36698I'm still not convinced that they actually know or don't know what they're doing, but I do think that with my parents at least they knew years ago deep down inside that their Joy at other people's demise wasn't something that you just displayed to other people, so they've grown thick layers of socialization on them at this point, so they don't really feel the icky feeling because they learn how to cover them up but their ick spills out.
I never want to see my narcissistic mother ever again, I won't even attend her funeral if she dies before me, and I don't want her going to mine! After all the abuse and suffering she has put me through intentionally, she has stolen so many things from me, I was always the outcast from the dysfunctional family, thank God I'm not like any of them! I rather be the scapegoat than to be a demon in disguise! No contact.
Hello stranger. Hello friend. My exact sentiments for my female parental unit. One of the best decisions I ever made. No contact. Welcome to freedom ❤️💯🙏🏽
Yep. It is a miracle that I was able to survive and heal and have some time to live my life in peace. I just wish for justice to the pos father who never deserved 50 years with my mother and now using everyone to keep getting what he wants. He deserves to suffer now.. and I hope he is. 🙏 I don’t allow myself to think this way much but it is something I actually want which is crazy because I would never think that about anyone else. But he is a monster and I am sick of him getting everything while he took everything from me. My only revenge is to reclaim it which is what I am fighting hard for now. All alone and that isn’t fair. He is the one who should be alone but family always calls him. He pays people to take care of him.
You sound exactly the same as me. Word for word 😮 Wishing you the best in life. I understand your pain and struggles. 😢Take care and know that you’re strong. ❤
@@gailnichols842 My narcissistic mother also loves to drink and would give me and my sisters beers at a young age, and would stay till the early morning partying. She would sleep deprive us, and wake us up early so we can feel drained and exhausted. Narcissistic parents are so evil, sorry you went through so much with your narcissistic father. Blessings your way.
They neglected me and abused me so much to make me codependent and weak but this just made me independent and stronger, I don't need them and they hate it. 😂
@@wendyewing3548 I've been thinking the same thing! It's crazy how they use the same language. I always thought it was just me. Out of curiosity I have checked out some videos that support estranged parents and you know what? They say the same thing about us. That there's a manual and videos on line that tell us how to go no contact or that therapists are to blame. I was told by a psychologist decades ago that I would have to divorce my family if I wanted to get better. I was only in my 20's and didn't understand the hold my family had on me and I didn't want to lose them. No contact is just the new term for it. I'm 61 and went no contact for the 3rd and last time. So nice not hearing their voices anymore and having my heart broken over and over. I hope you're younger than me so you get to have a life that's authentic and fulfilling.
I’m an Xer. I raised myself. I was alone. I have been parenting myself my whole life. It gets better but, … The pain doesn’t go away bc at the end of day, we were rejected by our parents and siblings.
It comes and goes. Because they're soul destroyers, this was their aim. BUT! look at the wonderful information we have now. Their plan didn't quite finish the job. We're survivors and we all have great love for each other in the common bond. Sending peace and love ❤️ 😊
I eventually went no contact with my toxic family after they abandoned me twice. I just want to tell you, lately I am changing the angle under which I see the situation. You see, I am the most progressive and mature person in our family. The strongest. They didn't reject me. _They could not keep me around_ due to their own stupidity and they lost all the good that I was bringing to the family. I was bringing healthy lifestyle, I was bringing health management, I was bringing renovations of the house, I was bringing new devices, money, new opportunities, everything. It really is their loss, because I can find a new awesome circle of strong and talented friends and collaborators, and they can't. And pain, well, pain is temporary. Freedom to be myself is permanent.
@@mistwalker11 You sound like me. I didn’t go no contact but they couldn’t keep me around. I am the only one that moved away and made a life for myself.
The financial instability thing hits hard. Not only was I not taught about money, I was constantly told I had no skills and would never be able to hold a job. Well, all my jobs have been long term, but they’ve also been dead end jobs because I don’t know how to get or even believe I deserve to get better. Even looking into taking courses makes me feel hopeless.
You DO deserve better! Try taking one course and you will see, when you are finally left alone, you do just fine. Once no one is sabotaging you and constantly criticizing you, pulling you down and all of that, you will be able to be yourself and do your own thing and you will do great! You can do it!!
Totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve struggled with that a lot too. Something I’ve found helpful is totally dropping the concept of ‘deserving’ something. Don’t allow yourself to decide whether you deserve it or don’t deserve it. That’s totally subjective. Decide that if you WANT something, you can have it. Start with very small goals and break it down into tiny manageable steps. You don’t climb a mountain by leaping to the top in one giant step. You put one foot in front of the other, one seemingly insignificant step at a time. Eventually you get to the top ❤
As a child, young adult- hell, even as an old adult, I felt like I needed "permission" to identify the family as dysfunctional. It never even occurred to me that I sought permission from the family and they were definitely not ever going to admit to anything less than being "the perfect family". I have struggled with self validation for all these decades because I always needed the permission of that family to define myself and, as the scapegoat, their definition of me wasn't very accurate. "I survived" had become my rally cry but now I really need to view myself as Thriving. Those old lessons taught by bad teachers really leave me questioning everything and feeling like I need their approval still.
I just want to say, that attunement to your real feelings and self-differentiation exercises will eventually reduce the need for external approval. It takes time. I also made my mindmap of achievements several years ago and I am updating it since; it helps a lot with becoming visible to myself, and retaining a positive self-view when I am struggling.
I had to be 25 to understand social skills people learn early on. In my house I was always silenced and shut down whenever I spoke. I've thought I can do something wrong even by saying "hello" to people bc there's no habit of talking in my house.
Yes me too. It's unbelievable the sheer misery they cause. My heart goes out to the poor children that's going through this today 💔 it's just unbearable too know it's a thing that will always go on in some families. 😢
I was silenced and shamed for my entire childhood and as a result, I have very awkward social skills that have hampered my career and I speak in a very low voice. But as a younger adult, I still got berated for ‘lacking ambition’/‘not standing up for myself’ and generally not being much of a a conversationalist. Now I have very little to say to them because I certainly will not share anything of my life that could be thrown back in my face and I have little interest in their lives where they judge every single person they interact with behind their backs. So we sit together in long awkward silences, and I have found out that this is a super power: I relish the knowledge that I am mostly indifferent to them now while they squirm uncomfortably. I am 53, how the tables have turned! Much courage to all of you out there on this journey of self healing, life truly does get better ❤
I developed a habit of talking to myself when I was young. I was mostly doing it to self parent and self validate myself. People used to laugh at me and be creeped out because they thought I was crazy. Every decision I made was wrong.
Thank you for sharing. And be happy because you become the reason someone and many people smiles genuinely because of getting a feeling being understood and feeling safe for doing so. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I never knew my own strength. Now when I see people struggling, I also see them getting through it, hopefully with more compassion and help than I had.
The worst part was having to take care of THEM and then be blamed for any outcome they didn't like. The best part was that whole world was safer and more loving than my home. After them i felt safer in almost any place than with them.
Im 60 and only figured it out in my fifties, that my entire family was toxic. I had no idea i raised myself until now, in all the ways mentioned. I turned out om, because of who i am in general i guess, but it could have gone so badly
Me too! I get so angry with myself sometimes that I couldn’t understand what was happening. I remember turning 60 and googling my mom’s behavior. I’d never heard the word narcissist before. I took that word and started researching like crazy. I tried all the things I’d learned. It just didn’t work anymore. So this year at 64 I had to let both 6:38 my elderly parents go. I went no contact. It’s so painful, but I finally feel like an adult. Here I am middle aged and just feeling like I don’t have to run every decision by them. It’s so sad that most of my life is gone and basically wasted. People, don’t wait like I did. 😢
@@Greeceismygoto it's never too late but you better start hurrying up and starting to make thousands and thousands of decisions just make them haphazardly and randomly just for the joy of the feeling of to know that you're the one who's doing it you're not running it by anybody just start making decisions left and right left and right make all kinds of decisions overload overload overload keep going learn how it feels to be Sovereign and to make it yourself
It’s the “Latch-key” kid syndrome we’ve all (I certainly did) as a child. The “parents” were either out working and putting their family second or (in my case) or weren’t interested and used the time to cheat.
My mother was a SAHM and she still didn't want us around. I disliked Summer Camp, but she tried everything to get me out of the house. When I was around 13ish...? She sent me to Gymnastics, because the weightlifting coach I had, was also the gymnastics coach. Imagine a 230ish+ lb boy trying to do gymnastics? I was so embarrassed. I remember one kid a year older than me, who was the top guy there, making a comment about me saying "Why are you even here' or something, and instead of saying I was forced I just said that "I'm stronger than you, and can lift more" and he basically laughed and said "Who cares?" I was so pissed.... Being harassed when I didn't even want to be there.` I remember one time they asked to see me do a "Cartwheel." I felt so emasculated.... I will say Gymnastics are cool, and I respect them for being able to move their bodies and such, and I wish I could do that and had the flexibility to do that... But I just felt like the way I was treated was completely wrong.` I also recall one pos kid from my neighborhood, who I really didn't like and had issues with my brother and myself, `told me my dad came up to him and said that he should join gymnastics with me.... Can you believe that BS? My father had no clue about anything... He was busy in his room working while mom was always controlling everything... So he probably had no clue that mom forced me, and thought I wanted to go or something..... He never asked me my thoughts though, he just went out into the world to tell others about it. 230lb `young teen boy, who wanted to lift and be strong, being sent to gymnastics.... Then telling everyone `about it as if it was something I wanted. Oh and the best part I just remembered? Oh wow....` I'm starting to remember more of this story, but I used to tell was we got out of the car and she tells me she's here to sign me up for camp, or I can go to gymnastics and I'm busy crying in the middle of the parking lot, begging her to not do this... but I had to make a choice... and I hated the kids at camp, because I was always picked on, and had a mother who threatened me if I got in trouble she would send me away to military school... So I was scared to always defend myself, because I was always yelled at for "fighting" my brother, even though it was roughhousing and wrestling. I was so broken.. But now I just remembered more of this..... She actually took me to the town center area, which was 10ish mins away from where we were, and brought me to the sign up area for the camp, and told me in the parking lot that this is what's going to happen. I don't know what she did to get me into the car and get me to go, what sort of lie she told me... But now that i think about it... I cannot believe how this went down. Such a disgusting, dirty, evil person. Makes me ABSOLUTELY SICK TO MY STOMACH to remember more of this stuff.` EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot to post this after I recalled the other story.... At the time I believe it was the same time that mom had forced dad to put a padlock on the fridge, because I was "eating them out of house and cupboard," when my mother barely bought food, and my father touted them as the greatest parents in the world for never buying us kids snacks. Meanwhile you should see the snake pile in my dad's room. I remember, a few months ago, counting 20 bags of chips/etc on the floor, all different kinds. Sickness.. Meanwhile us kids got yelled at if we took one of mom's sugar-free ice pops that she was using for "dieting." Such abuse.
Yes and when you were in a relationship as a teen you were treated as a loose person when actually you were only out for love, freedom and a little acknowledgement yourself!
@@AlvinKazuthe abuse can help them not be focused on themselves, mom had us in Barbados missing my pregnant older overt coke head sis' wedding, sleeping with the help under our noses... I was also molested there and yrs later bro told me sis slept with same molester when she was in gr. 8, told my older bro thanks for info as same guy molested me when I was in gr. 6 but had no one to tell... People are f-uped, how they view sex shows it!
My mom "homeschooled" us. She liked to remind us how lucky we were that we weren't latchkey kids. At the same time, she basically put my older brother in charge of heating the frozen pizza and keep us little one's out of the street while she holed up in the office, arranging who our next step dad would be. We almost never left the house, but most days, she didn't know whether we'd learned anything or brushed our teeth.
My mom was a sahm but failed to get the memo that meant she was supposed to actually parent me unless she was performing for my father after work. If she wasn't meeting my father's every need like a servant she was using me to help her cater to him. Her favorite refrain when alone was how difficult my birth was or how much she had given up to have a worthless kid like me. I wish I had been a latch key kid with a working mom...maybe there would have been less time for verbal abuse.
My mother's idea of conflict resolution was to get in my face and scream "GET OVER IT!" Solved everything, lemme tell ya. It's super fun to be screamed at by a person who has clearly not and never bothered to get over what was hurting her all her miserable life. And then and then and then, the best part is hearing her, also scream, "I NEVER SAID THAT!" when you tell her you're going to put it on her tombstone because she said it so much and still does. Ugh. Internet hugs to all you survivors. Hang in there. Thank you, Jerry.
Joined the military at 17 because i knew I needed more guidance especially from other men. It helped a lot, I recall being taught how to do basic adulting things like, proper hygiene, my taxes, and how to drive.
Im the eldest of 6 children, not only did I have to raise myself , I had to raise 5 other children by the age of 11yrs old. Both of my parents weren't just narcissist, they both had severe drug addictions. I never understood why did they have so many of us, when they never gave a shit about us. They left us unattended for weeks, with no food, no money, and no adult supervision. At 11 , I thought my parents were dead somewhere. After about 2 wks my NM would return and literally would make it my job to take care of her too. After she cleaned herself up, all of a sudden I became the problem, the scapegoat, she'd kick me out, she'd call anyone that'll listen to her and tell them I was crazy, she had all of my siblings fight me at once, all bc i would tell her she wasnt A Real Mother. Toxic toxic toxic environment to grow up in, yet I made it out by the time I was 13yrs old by being placed in a Psychiatric Hospital to get rid of me.....BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED BECAUSE I NEVER WENT BACK
@@kimm59 You know, she might not mind, but I absolutely HATE the fact, that you belittle her with the 'honey'' part. I find that very offensive. Someone once did that to me. You don't 'honey' name other people, when they are over 10 years old. Here is someone, who fought her way out and over this. A warrior she has become. You don't say 'honey' to any skilled warrior either, do you? Please never ever do this to someone again. Have some respect instead.
I can’t remember a single occasion when my mother praised me for anything. I learned after she died that she intentionally withheld praise in order to make sure I didn’t get “a swelled head.” I guess she thought a lifetime of self doubt and self hatred was preferable. 😳
oh my !!! im a textbook case... Thank God I found you because now I understand that 90% ofall my bad decisions were very much influenced by my narcissistic mother and emotional absent father. Let's the healing process begin!!
This is a message to anyone needing to watch this video: You are awesome! 🤗 You fought hard and gave your best! 💪 Now, give yourself a pat on your shoulders and relax. 😮💨
For the first time I am hearing my life and family dynamics described. I am 78 years old. I feel like I have been pardoned for all of my mixed up life for the first time.
You basically just talked about my life as a child and adult and living with the narcissistic abuse and violence of my mother father and brother. Going no contact and taking my beloved doggie with me is the single best decision that I have made. You are right. I am only now at 48 my learning to emotionally regulate myself after years of unhealed trauma. I realise that while I lived with them I was essentially emotionally orphaned by my parents and brother. Thank you for giving voice to the deep trauma that parents can inflict on their children and dispelling the myth that all parents love their children. It was a hard truth to realise but a truth that has helped in my healing
It breaks my heart to read these comments. I hadn't realized how many others had been treated this way. We must continue healing ourselves to stop the cycle. Remain strong and keep fighting. I love all of us and I'm praying for us daily.
That was me. I found out later in life I was an unwanted child. Mom accidentally got pregnant but the father was in the military and got shipped away. She had to raise me as a divorced woman who already had two children. I was her dirty little secret. She never told me the truth. She's a liar in my eyes. I wondered my whole life what I ever did to her for her to treat me the way she did so indifferent towards me. I went no contact from her when I was 28 years old. I'm 65 now. My life has been hell due to her neglect. 😢
Not only did my mother not take care of me but I parented her all my childhood and teenage years. I still grieve for my childhood because of that. In my opinion, denying your child their own identity and life is one of the worst crimes a parent can commit against their child. (Edited for typos)
Imagine at 10 years old i learned the word "excuse me" and its application in every day life, like when you need to pass through somebody in your way. I remember i was sitting next to an old lady in the bus, my stop was close , so i stand up, she looked at me and told me: "what do you say in this situation?" I answered "move out", she correct me and said: "here we say, excuse me" I was so embarrassed red face, i never heard that word until then..... Narc parents don't even teach good manners....
You made a great point about self-validation. I realized recently that the reason I had such low self-esteem for most of my life was because my parents never made me feel loved by them, since they only ever spoke to me to criticize or insult me. It hit me that the reason why it's so important to make a child feel loved is so that they learn to love themselves. I never felt worthy of love, or worthy of respect, so I allowed a lot of harmful behavior from others and made really bad choices. Only recently have I learned the importance of choosing friends wisely and being good to myself. Feeling loved as a child can make a huge difference in a person's life successes.
Dear fellow warriors, I have never read so many stories of neglect similar to mine. I am crying 😢 and my heart hurts for all of us. So many neglected children. Thank you for expressing your anger and disgust at what happened to you. I feel the same way but I have never come across so many youtube comments of others expressing it. It's like I have come home and found my tribe. Thank you for sharing your stories, honest feelings, and your healing path. May you continue to recover and find peace 🕯🕊💔
The last two years I've had to move in to my elder mom's house to take care of her after my father passed. I was the scapegoat of the four kids and left the house and hometown at 19. I was expected to leave the home I had created for my life. Which was an incredibly healing place for me. Now dealing everyday with the BS that comes with an elderly Narc. It has been the most challenging time in my life. Mom is 85 and about to lose her license and somehow this is my problem. She stated losing her drivers license will not work for HER! And, she will not stand for it. LOL My mother never helped with one single problem solving ever. I'm 64 now. I was raised with food insecurity so she could maintain her image and bottomless pit when it came to eating and/or going out to breakfast and dinner. As a small child my parents kept the refrigerator locked because I would get up at night and eat from hunger. I panhandled in middle school to eat lunch. I'm expected to make her meals for her, serve her meals to her and then clean up her mess. As I child I had to keep the house clean and here I am again keeping her house clean. I'm thankful I've worked on my mental and emotional wellness for decades and have great boundaries which also drives her crazy. I'm sad for my mom but my priority is my sanity. Not her's. I struggle with how cold that sounds and reality is it feels cold. But it is my survival mechanism. I will make sure my mom is taken care of and gets her needs meet but not on to my detriment! Thanks for your content. It very much helps.
Done this. Personally I would get home health/nursing and on her dime. I ended up having to pay for my narc parents nursing home and medical bills. I'm 65 and in poverty and broke from them not taking responsibility for their own care and actions.
I had to help with my parents before they died because I was the only sibling who had a relationship with them. I had to do it on my own terms. Luckily, I was seeing a therapist who told me not to get a 2 family apartment building with my mother, as was her wish. That was my natural inclination, and it could have worked if it was a healthy situation. We lived in separate places and she ended up with a helper who was on her level. That was the only kind of person who could have tolerated her. You DO have to think of yourself and you do have to set limits on all kinds of things from their demands to how much guff you're going to take. I don't think it would be wise of you to live with her. Best wishes and good luck to you.
At 48 I recently realized that my Mother gaslit me from childhood! I wasn’t able to see this until I started doing work on myself and healing from childhood trauma. It’s important to do the work to move forward ❤
Extended family and friends of the narcissistic parents often do not confront them about their obnoxious behavior, their poor boundaries, their arrogance, their criticism of the children, and many other things. I think it's because people are afraid of the narcissists. And because they don't want the hassle of confronting the narcissists, the narcs' kids get thrown under the bus. So it's no wonder we don't know our parents are behaving toxically. And it's no wonder we pick up and imitate some of their behaviors, speech patterns, and more, as normal. All children are in a hypnotic state through age seven! So don't be hard on yourself, folks.
They also do not want to confront the narcissists in their lives. They put up walls. They are in denial. They want everything to be sunshine and rainbows. They don't want to get involved. I have learned that most people are wimps.
I said to my mother one time, you didn't teach me how to do x,y,z (meaning things like handling money, paying bills, cooking, cleaning, bog standard stuff), her answer "well nobody showed me". Then silence afterwards! Another was me mentioning things in childhood, he answer "well why didn't you tell me". I did tell her other things and was always met with a resounding NO! Regardless , the onus was on her, she was the parent not me. She never even accidentally met an emotional need. There was no encouragement of education or things I was good at. My father was all about himself, even refusing to take me to hospital at one point (he was the only one with a car and could drive). When you've no other point of reference, you think it's normal.
That's a classic Boomer or Silent Generation parenting deflection. Instead of even contemplating being a better parent than they were, they consciously do to you what was done to them. It's awful.
This was a VERY accurate video regarding the results of being raised by narcissist as well as how to recover. I know because I've done the work to recover. It hasn't ben easy but it is possible! I am 61 years old and have been going through some pretty intense healing work since my mid 50's. I type this today as the best version of myself ever. I am happy, healthy and most of all I love myself and what I've accomplished. As an aside I went no contact with the narcissistic parent 20 years ago and haven't looked back!!
Yea- they made me crazy then blamed me for being insane... There's no win. If you're healthy they pat themselves on the back and leave you alone because you are Doing Fine on you OWN. If you are sick they leave you alone because you are sick and beyond their understanding (ie you NEED and they consider that to be a real imposition- you 're a negative reflection them.)
I never knew until I was 62 years old. This is the 1st time I've heard someone address raising ourselves. I experienced all of this!!! I attracted toxic relationships my whole life. Money issues my whole life.
This is a brutal list! I relate to all of them … many of them I’ve healed through the years but I still rely on daily self talk in which I have to remind myself that “I’m effective, I’m capable” etc. I’ve come a long way but sometimes I’m just so tired of all the healing work…
Better to appreciate whatever's tossed to you, make a big deal out of it but when you're older and know what a diff good parenting/financial support makes to your own kids realize you owe your own parents nothing, get on with your lives be grateful you survived them, your siblings may not have because not everyone's smart!
I’m 39 almost 40 and I still struggle with feelings of needing permission, with fears of being punished and criticized. I still have fears of spending money on myself, or if having money because it will just be ‘wasted’. I’m 39 and have financial difficulties bc of that. I was in therapy and worked through a lot, but still have more to heal. The hardest part is coming to terms with the life I could have had, the things I could have done and been had I had the support and nurturing.
Yes, I never knew my mother was so toxic until about 10 years ago. Well, toxic yes. Dysfunctional, recently. I thought everyone’s mother was like this.
My childhood was a bit different. I always wondered why I loved everyone else's mother (and school teachers) more. And the rare occasion a schoolmate was around long enough to see my mother overreact, they pointed it out to me in private. Except at the time, I thought it was my fault. Now I see I had many clues that my mother was the one who was not normal, and the rest of the world was.
@@danielkaiser8971yes! We morn and are angry that we had to grow up with mentally ill parents or parents. Make no mistake they are mentally ill. So is your sibling if they are a narc or flying monkey. This is not normal behavior. We are the normal ones.What kind of parent is envious and does things on purpose to hurt their child? A mentally ill one.
Some of us just parented ourselves and did a very good job of it. We dont suffer our childhood at all We CHOSE to do different & be different and we succeeded 😊
I always tell my friends everything I know I pretty much had to teach myself the hard way...I am behind everyone else. Everyone else had an awesome head start! I feel like they don't teach you "survival" skills because they don't care about your future away from them.
Thanks your videos explained alot I have been living this my whole life and I am pretty old now. This year has been hell. I am not allowing these clowns I am related to do bring me down again,
They simply do not guide properly the money issue. And use money as a tool to keep you in limbo. Thank you Jerry!! Beautiful day for you and all here!!
I have trouble making decisions to this day and I'm old. I did learn at an early age to look beyond my family to know what kind of person I wanted to be--teachers, artists, intellectuals were my mentors. Thx for another great video ❤
My Dad would actually say "Ill give you something to cry about" if I cried. I laughed out loud at how true that was when you said that's how they teach "conflict resolution". So true Jerry.
I'm in my mid 50s, still trying to heal and still trying to figure out what went wrong. I've watched hundreds of videos, this one hit every single point I've been thinking about recently after finally realizing what "scapegoat child" means and how I ended up being one.
Hey brother Jerry 🤝 I’m one of those 60 year old’s who just couldn’t figure out what is wrong with me 🫤 2 1/2 years ago I finally found the needle in the proverbial hay stack and I went no contact, it’s been a tough road , my mother took my 3 daughters with her $ money talks ya know what I’m saying there . My 2 sons get it and they also have gone know contact. These narcissistic people are really bad for the long road ya know , I would take the physical abuse all over again in trade for the emotional degradation and constant shaming. God bless you brother 🙏🏼🕊️ Keep up the good work there are many of us who need people like you to help us back up 🤝👍
Jerry, when I was in therapy, the therapist spent about half the time teaching me social skills. She dealt with people who had alcoholic parents and teaching social skills was just identified as an issue in itself. This was in the early 1980s and the DMS-IV (?) had only just recognized BDP and NPD so the discussion was usually about the alcoholic parent and the narcissistic one. TY for your videos.
Well I can be super critical of RUclips videos on narcissism because I think more than a few creators are exploiting their audience. But this video in particular is excellent. Beyond excellent. Just the facts, ma’am. Well done.
This whole video is Me right here smh im glad I figured it out on my own with guidance from Jesus Christ and his father God that put me in the pathway to decent people that help me along my journey . Me finding myself along the years through education helped along with reading the Bible. I’m glad I found this video as well ! what a blessings definitely taking the class this weekend thanks Jerry 🙌🏿🙏🏾
I agree Jesus has been by my side my entire life when others including family let me down and abandoned me. A few strangers helped me along the way, but never my family.
Thank you for this valuable information. Seeking support for anything was always a battle for me growing up. Even after I was well into my twenty's when I sought therapy because I couldn't figure out why I felt so terribly bad about myself, my narc "mother" freaked out and said that I better not be talking about my parents, or blame them for anything. She said it's "terribly wrong" to discuss your parents in therapy. I recall feeling extremely confused and shameful at the time and gave up therapy for a few decades, and suffered deeply because of delaying it. I finally cut off all contact with her, and am in good therapy now. I'm also fully transparent about my toxic, abusive, narc parent. Onward and upward. 🦋
All so true although i have worked very hard to be a good parent to myself I still feel the echoes of the neglect i experienced as a child . At least now I can recognise it and take action to mitigate its effects.
This is the first time in my life these words have resonated. At my age, that's a sad statement. But this article certainly described it all when I was a child, then preteen, then hs student. And it follows us, doesn't it. Some of us are seniors, and just now realizing we've carried this around, like our cherished childhood red wagon, for decades. All that sad mileage. Sigh... My mother is still alive, 94, failing now yet like Sherman's March to the sea, she's purposed to destroy whatever is in her path (that she hadn't decimated earlier.)
Thank you for this video. Ever since i was a little boy, I've always found myself seeking and accumulating surrogate fathers and mothers. Aside from therapists, I am also spending money addictively whenever I can on bus trips, train trips, flights, restaurants, bars, salons, and hotels. It's because with these I always feel safe and taken care of.
Thanks Jerry. I’m onto module 4 of your “Road to self” and it’s so helpful. Realising that narcissistic families make you resilient by default is wonderful. I feel like I was pretty much feral and then criticised for not knowing how to be an adult! Anyway, I’m learning about how to be emotionally resilient and am getting the dysfunction out of my nervous system. Thank you again xxx
OMG the money part. My mom made me and my brother work at my dad's business starting in grade school and made us deposit our money in accounts that we couldn't touch. We were never allowed to spend that money and never learned how to budget or spend responsibly. I was 25 before I learned how to be responsible with money.
@jerrywise Hi Jerry Wise, Today, I got your videos in my RUclips recommendations feed. Your videos on scapegoated child, narcissistic family abuse, totally resonate with me. Have watched 4-5 videos of yours today. Appreciate your videos, Gives Clarity to me. I am 42 years old. I am from India. This video - is Completely TRUE with me. I am raising myself alone, and I will have to, for the rest of my life. Even since childhood, no one was there for me, except me. Despite having mother and father, being the only son, I am all alone. And, that is Not All. there is More Tragedy. I feel like I will have to dedicate rest of my life (every single day of my life) to the journey of healing myself, finding a life for myself.
There is no informative video like this one on the Internet that says stop putting the blame on what is obvious, and teach youself the information your parents didn't, their the ones that will look bad to other people, not you.
a lot of us not only weren't taught self-care, but we were taught absolutely not under any circumstances to care for ourselves--we were taught we're not worth caring for. we were taught absolutely not under any conditions to seek support of any kind, especially outside the family lest perhaps we spill the beans on how toxic our upbringings were. and our judgment around others--like who would or would not be a good spouse or someone who could love us back if we love them first--is so damaged that it ends up just being easier not to get involved with anyone romantically because only the toxic ones will have us, and the ones we love want nothing to do with us no matter how great we truly are (and we are!).
I have just turned 40 this August and I am starting a new life after 40 years of narcissistic abuse and neglect from parents, siblings and others. I am teaching myself how to be a good parent to my inner child. I started this journey at 30 and it has been very hard/ painful but well worth it. It's never too late to change course. Keep going.❤️❤️
I taught myself to love myself by getting straight A's, never getting into trouble, and graduating from college. I bought my own house, car, furniture and raised myself far above what my narc mother could do which was to marry someone who already had those things. Boy, did she hate me. She made sure that I wore hand-me-downs while my sister and brothers got new clothes. I was the Cinderella who had to clean house every weekend and then spent the rest of my time in the bedroom upstairs. It has been 2 years of No Contact with my entire family. She turns 90 this year and I do not care. I will not go to her funeral nor are any of them allowed at my service. It took me until I was in my late 50s to see what a horrible family I lived in. Children do not know what they do not know.
Omg I relate I was called cinderelly and laughed at, I was cleaning 2500 sq ft house often by myself and it was never good enough. I had to wash her clothing, bedding and organize her walk in closet while she sat on her ass and dictated me. I don’t wish this on anyone, I hope you’re all well.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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I ran away as a child and no one noticed so I came back crying I was 7
According to what you described, I think I now understand why when I was in special ed High School, we had an afternoon class called TA FOR KIDS
There was a red paperback book back in the '80s
I hardly remember it, but I remember it was RED
I wouldn't mind having a copy of THAT particular book.... It was in our classroom in somewhere in the mid to late '80s BEFORE I graduated and HAD to be discharged soon AFTER
They need to bring that book back if it's not still being published, it can be of GREAT help to MANY
I don't know if you recall that particular book, but maybe?
If you do, you might talk to whoever published it and see if some publisher can bring it back, that specific book right THERE, and maybe hand it out to some of the people you're working with
The simplest, most beautiful, loving parental gesture I give myself is: a strawberry or raspberry sugar-free popsicle.
I recall so clearly as a little girl, in the summer the neighborhood kids would come play in our backyard.
One girl was so mean.
My cruel, covert, pos, narc mother came outside with a box of popsicles...
Gave the mean girl the best one..the cherry ...
And gave me the shifty one..the Banana.
Now I keep popsicles in the freezer and enjoy the best flavors anytime I want.
F that old hag, piece of garbage, demonic, poor excuse for a parent!
❤
And as an adult when I become overwhelmed and ask for help, my parents scream, "YOU'RE AN ADULT!!! I'M NOT TAKING CARE OF YOU!!!" And you also didn't take care of me as a child. How ironic.
They only see and behave in ways that benefit them.
Tough pill to swallow when you come to this realization as an adult. Takes a long time, because innately if you are human - you have an attachment to your parents. Unfortunately, they don’t have the attachment to you, that you always believed.
@@BB-fo5mr ~The only attachment they have to us is sucking our energy away from us. These people are dmons.
Ironic also is how they twisted it to appear as if they were victims of you, I've been a stay at home mom for 30 yrs and what cash I do get is gladly passed onto my kids (28&26 plus their common-laws) to which I explain happiness shared is happiness doubled! One day my inheritance will come in and I'll pass much on, my challenge is to do so with no strings attached unlike what I lived with my parents!
Oh my God, yes, I remember Always hearing from him, when I was a kid and teenager crying asking for help to understand stuff... he was desperate and even yelled at me saying: "you have to be emotional intelligent!" hello I am a kid???
Why are you asking help from them then? They didn’t care about you then, they do not care about you now. It is the harsh truth about our narcissistic parents. Now love yourself, show that self-respect towards yourself and find healthy people you can rely on. Ask help of those only. Your parents, unfortunately, are the last people you should be asking help from or even sharing your weaknesses with. It can be done and I guarantee that your life will be much better for it. I wish you strength and steadfastness.
The Siamese cat raised me. She was kind, patient and loving.
@@denisevincent4050 not so farfetched actually...my pets taught me so much
@@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xn The wife and I have spent 12 years helping seniors with thier pets.I thought i would teach them but dogs will teach you about 8 things like discipline, limits,play, love etc. my parents taught me to raise myself alone in a cold world of games and power.
My cat raised me too orange tabby. My brother told me I would understand him if I ate cat food .... well, at least I was eating.
I always loved animals for this reason.
I learned to love through my dog
My psychiatrist did an "ideal parent" exercise with me where I listed the qualities I wanted in a father. He reviewed the list, paused for a moment of thought and said I just described myself, adding, congratulations you don't need him anymore.
That is amazing! Thank you for sharing
Oh that is so amazing. You are resilient and amazing!
Yeah, my psychiatrist told me on my very last visit before he retired, "I knew the very first time I saw you, you needed to get away from your family"
I've never been more angry in my life! That was after 7 years of of taking all sorts of drug cocktails that really screwed me up. He was just like my parents. That's why I don't trust doctors any more at all, or at least part of the reason.
@@scottharm3932Yeah, I realized that the therapist that I was going to was like my mother. The issue is that our picker is off because we are conditioned that they are our only source for help as they DO isolate us, so as a child that it true, so as am adult, we look for people like them 😅....I don't know what to say, but Jerry is a therapist and he obviously isn't like that, so ALL therapists aren't like this. It's us 😅. I've gotten more help from RUclips and IG than I have going to different people, but I've realized that I am at the mercy of my picker. With social media, the algorithm is the picker so I have hope, lol.
This.
Thank you. 🙌🏽
Anyone else buy themselves little gifts, or do nice things for yourselves, on Mother's and Father's day, because you raised yourself?
I may start
No. I've never even thought of it. I seem to just go blank on these day's, but with a sense of peace that mine are no longer here. Awful but that's what they drove me to. Never cried Never missed them either.
🎉 THIS 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🤗
Good idea! Never thought of this
What a beautiful idea to help put an ugliness behind me. Thank you.
I didn’t realise how dysfunctional my family was until, as an adult, I spent an afternoon with another family on an outing. I was gobsmacked at the interaction between them and the relaxed atmosphere. I thought I was in a different universe.
Growing up I remember other kids coming over and commenting on how we all seemed to hate each other. I always thought we just had a different way of bonding through insults, cruel jokes and sarcasm. I figured it built me tough, and the other kids were just weak, but now I am alone, and they are not. I would take 'weakness' over this any day.
Same. One day I visited a friend and all of a sudden I totally got what a family should look like/be. Gosh, it hit me hard
My parents teach me NOTHING. They didn’t raise me. They bullied, mocked, ridiculed me. Yet they expected me to take care of my younger sisters when I was just a young child.It’s not that they’re poorly educated or poor. They’re actually highly educated & had enough $ to hire a maid or babysitter. They just don’t want to be bothered with any parental responsibility. What’s even more sickening is they have built this perfect parent image to outsiders 😩🤦🏻♀️
❤
@@Sitting8ull Our two Narcisisstic neighbor are doing that to thier two children right now.Problem is we have had the police in thier and CAS is coming next.They don't pay babysitters and spend the money on themselves. We have had it with them !!
same!
Same, I was the oldest parentified child scapegoated by parents. Now adult siblings and I have no relationship.
Female children (of young and older age) are often made into child care providers for their siblings. Children directly report to them, not the parents. I was too! My “self” ?? I did not get that.
I was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused. Isolated, controlled and put down. It's become a lifelong struggle.
Same..neither wanted to be a parent... oddly from early childhood, I always had the reputation for being a 'good.mother'...my.mothe felt.threatwned
Same.
I get it 😢..... I went threw hell
@@knit1purl1 Same
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
Narcissists are the worst parents ever. They emotionally and mentally abuse you in so many insidious ways that can make you feel insane.
Indeed. My mother made me truly crazy and when I was in the hospital she came there to put me down. I chased her away. Now everything I do she blames my illness, which I think she caused 😪
anyone else get really confused or otherwise overwhelmed with feelings when you see a healthy child/parent interaction ?
I do. Thanks for sharing that. I am only now recognizing how others parent. I don't know right away but react with longing and deep sadness. Neither of my parents were affectionate. I had never been hugged, no kisses or well wishes. When my brother, in his thirties, confronted her with "why have you never told us you love us?". She raged at us saying because. And we could never touch her. It was forbidden at an early age. But I have survived and found peace with all that. I'm 76 yo.
@cherylbogdan5044 Thank you and I hope I can find peace too. You give me hope.
Not sure I even know what that looks like. I don't trust kindness & compassion
BIG TIME!!! I am overwhelmed by lingering sadness for DAYS when I visit my best friend and witness how incredibly loving she is with her son and their wonderful relationship!!! I feel like I was robbed big time of the most precious and meaningful thing in life! Love!
I do. I cry when I watch children being validated by their parents
🤔I always wondered how i was supposed to teach myself something i didn't know, yet knew i need to know it. I wasn't parented - I raised myself. 😵💫 It's exhausting to be in a perpetual life of "catching up"!😵💫
Very true. Taught nothing and having to learn every lesson the hard way.
I was never taught anything. The social skills I learned were from learning from other people who were respectable people in the community and school. So sad.
So true!
Me too. I can relate. What a horrible way to grow up.
@@juliej1520Then getting blamed for the bumps.
Our trials pile up and appear to justify their opinion of us. That is hard to combat. They look fine and we are a mess...because they sucked our will to live then they blame us for wanting to die.
Don't treat yourself the way your parents treated you. Wow.
Yea!! THAT phrase has revealed a lot to me these last few weeks!! I ALWAYS looked for the bottom of the barrel...the bare minimum thing, the on sale things... Until recently... Thank you, Jerry.
Yes I believe that is key
here's one of my mum's favorite, guided all of our childhood : "if you're not smart enough to figure it out by yourself , there is nothing I can do for you", this worked for everything.She "believed" in any theory that validated the idea that she did'nt have to take care of us, like the free child theory, when it failed, it just meant we were stupid and unworthy of attention anyway.
My narc parents were both scapegoated children.
How? That's the question
Having short conversations with my doctor, she once said, "That's from always being in survival mode".
That is amazing you have a doctor that understands trauma. Most of them don't. Most people still think trauma only happens to combat veterans and not everyday people who live daily in emotional warzones and have to navigate minefields hoping not to set one off.
My doctor couldn't care less. If anything he blames me for my life situation. He's sarcastic, rude, dismissive and unempathetic.
@@spacegirl226That is an absolute fact. I've been to therapists, I've been to doctors, no one gets it and no one cares.
I had a great Christian therapist for a while. He was amazing. He would tell me he was proud of me. Makes me cry thinking of it. He didn't think much of my father when I told him how he never cared.
I wouldn't know any other way to live.
"We're just thrown to the wolves out there." Every child, who has faced emotional and educational neglect. We were not guided. We were not taught to prevent or solve any conflicts, we were startled by angry outbursts of parents when we did something wrong (but they never taught us how to do any better). Life becomes incredibly unsafe and unreliable. The abuse at home sets you up for abuse outside of the home and you've learned no coping mechanisms. So we fall into aggression and/or depression. We are set up to fail on every front. BUT we Can heal. It takes time and tears.
Startled by angry outbursts is a great description. Thanks
@@gardenjoy5223 great post. Yep, theyre crimebags. All that evil for a night of wild sex.
Crimebags. I look with deep suspicion at most parents. They had the sex that brought those kids into the world. No birth control. Crimebags forever. Your kids WILL CALL YOU TO ACCOUNT.
And it wont be pretty, either, horney crimebags deserve all of it.
Thank you for this validation. I couldn’t go to my parents with problems and didn’t even realize that parents were there for emotional support. I learned early that I would be shamed, teased, etc, if I asked them for help. Every week day, I would have extreme anxiety, stomach aches because I was terrified to go to school. There were bullies and one particular psychopath, head of the football team…. And when I was very young, my first day of school, my dad was to drop me off at a woman’s house to be watched before getting on the school bus. I was crying hysterically begging him not to make me go and he pulled me out of his car, shoved me in the direction of the house and drove off. That was my first day of school.
@@SylvesterSun Yep, we specialize in having traumatic experiences in childhood. Sorry to hear your heartbreaks. Your parents were in no way the secure attachment figures and safety net, that they should have been.
You must have felt an intense loneliness, when shoved off like that.
It taught you, that you were not worthy of love and care. But you know what? You were then and you are now!
You've been lied to through your parents and through bullies' words and actions your whole life. It's only normal you start to see yourself through their eyes. But they all were very wrong. You are lovable. You are worthy of kindness and goodness. And even though you might not have found it yet, you carry in you specific gifts to help make this world a better place.
Hope you find someone safe, where you can let it out. It hurts. Your soul is wounded. But in the end, you will slowly dare to believe the truth about yourself. And its not that ugly set of lies they taught you.
At first though, it feels like you are believing lies, when you look at the truth. It is so foreign to you. You can't except it. That's why I said it several times. To help you get acquainted to the idea.
I myself found help in a Christian youth group. When I read in the Bible about Jesus Christ helping people out of really bad situations, I believed He could help me too. And He has. But it was a road to recovery, not an instant snap with the finger.
The first year I always carried handkerchiefs with me, as I was working my way through the complex traumas of my youth. But some day I didn't need them so much anymore. And in the end I found out I'm highly gifted! And learned to give to others of what I had received myself.
God bless and keep you.
@@gardenjoy5223Thank you.
My mother gave me the greatest gift of my life the day she said I'd grow up to be just like her. I suddenly realized I possessed a secret power, she could not control who I would be one day. For the last 50+ years, I have lived every day trying to be what she was not. Sometimes only we understand the true jewel within ourselves. Treasure it, polish it in secret if necessary, until the day you can reveal your true worth.
"polish it in secret if necessary" I've been using this strategy for years. I just keep putting in my work for my Self. I focus on me bc that's the only person I can control, and that investment in my Self is paying dividends.
So true
My malignant NPD repeatedly said "I hope one day you have one (a kid) that's just like you!" (insinuating that I was a bad child/person)
Sick Fs
Always hiding true essence.Always.My inner sanctuary,the only safe space to Be,Me.
@@BAsed_AFrosick people,spitting venom.sad.sad.tough to accept.
They make a point of doing the minimum for the scapegoat, that's for sure. I think narc parents don't understand why they need to protect six year old children. They think the kid should be standing on its own two feet!
Narc parents simply hate being parents.
@Leah-i1e they hate being parents to the best ones, they think the child is weak.. got wrong didn't they . ✨️
many narcs believe that other people are exactly like them...i believe they cant see their mistakes
@@giannisk36698I'm still not convinced that they actually know or don't know what they're doing, but I do think that with my parents at least they knew years ago deep down inside that their Joy at other people's demise wasn't something that you just displayed to other people, so they've grown thick layers of socialization on them at this point, so they don't really feel the icky feeling because they learn how to cover them up but their ick spills out.
Amen
This totally. My egg donor utterly hated the responsibility and work to do with kids. Yup, we raised ourselves, particularly me as a daughter.
I never want to see my narcissistic mother ever again, I won't even attend her funeral if she dies before me, and I don't want her going to mine! After all the abuse and suffering she has put me through intentionally, she has stolen so many things from me, I was always the outcast from the dysfunctional family, thank God I'm not like any of them! I rather be the scapegoat than to be a demon in disguise! No contact.
Hello stranger. Hello friend. My exact sentiments for my female parental unit. One of the best decisions I ever made. No contact. Welcome to freedom ❤️💯🙏🏽
Yep. It is a miracle that I was able to survive and heal and have some time to live my life in peace.
I just wish for justice to the pos father who never deserved 50 years with my mother and now using everyone to keep getting what he wants.
He deserves to suffer now.. and I hope he is. 🙏
I don’t allow myself to think this way much but it is something I actually want which is crazy because I would never think that about anyone else. But he is a monster and I am sick of him getting everything while he took everything from me. My only revenge is to reclaim it which is what I am fighting hard for now. All alone and that isn’t fair. He is the one who should be alone but family always calls him. He pays people to take care of him.
You sound exactly the same as me. Word for word 😮
Wishing you the best in life. I understand your pain and struggles. 😢Take care and know that you’re strong. ❤
My father was the Narcissist and got mean when he drank. When he died I felt a sense of relief.
@@gailnichols842 My narcissistic mother also loves to drink and would give me and my sisters beers at a young age, and would stay till the early morning partying. She would sleep deprive us, and wake us up early so we can feel drained and exhausted. Narcissistic parents are so evil, sorry you went through so much with your narcissistic father. Blessings your way.
They neglected me and abused me so much to make me codependent and weak but this just made me independent and stronger, I don't need them and they hate it. 😂
Good for you, Lisa! Me too. Happy and successful. I have the same experience of blow back from them.
I became a narcissist with a hole in my heart.
@@arainagodtheiceyou can still heal. Forgive yourself and love yourself. Start by genuinely helping others, or animals
Same. ❤
Wow! My toxic parents must have read all of the narc training manuals! 😰😰
The narcissistic textbooks were written about my parents.
They all do 😂😂😂 it’s weird
@@wendyewing3548 I've been thinking the same thing! It's crazy how they use the same language. I always thought it was just me. Out of curiosity I have checked out some videos that support estranged parents and you know what? They say the same thing about us. That there's a manual and videos on line that tell us how to go no contact or that therapists are to blame. I was told by a psychologist decades ago that I would have to divorce my family if I wanted to get better. I was only in my 20's and didn't understand the hold my family had on me and I didn't want to lose them. No contact is just the new term for it. I'm 61 and went no contact for the 3rd and last time. So nice not hearing their voices anymore and having my heart broken over and over. I hope you're younger than me so you get to have a life that's authentic and fulfilling.
They really do set yourself up for failure. :( I relate to all of these, alas.
Same here. They're not good parents but would tell everyone how juch they did.
Yep, they want you to fail all the time, so they could complain to others on how rebellious & stupid you are & poor little me!!
I 100% raised myself. I'm now tough as hell.
I know what you mean.
Me too.
❤
That was one of my Mom’s go to phrases. If you’re gonna cry I’ll give you something to cry about.
Or: Spit in one hand and wish in the other- see which gets full first!
I was told the same but with an additional phrase, 'you hysterical little bitch'
I’m an Xer. I raised myself. I was alone. I have been parenting myself my whole life. It gets better but, … The pain doesn’t go away bc at the end of day, we were rejected by our parents and siblings.
It comes and goes. Because they're soul destroyers, this was their aim. BUT! look at the wonderful information we have now. Their plan didn't quite finish the job. We're survivors and we all have great love for each other in the common bond. Sending peace and love ❤️ 😊
Way to go Boomer parents 🎉
I eventually went no contact with my toxic family after they abandoned me twice. I just want to tell you, lately I am changing the angle under which I see the situation. You see, I am the most progressive and mature person in our family. The strongest. They didn't reject me. _They could not keep me around_ due to their own stupidity and they lost all the good that I was bringing to the family. I was bringing healthy lifestyle, I was bringing health management, I was bringing renovations of the house, I was bringing new devices, money, new opportunities, everything. It really is their loss, because I can find a new awesome circle of strong and talented friends and collaborators, and they can't. And pain, well, pain is temporary. Freedom to be myself is permanent.
@@mistwalker11 You sound like me. I didn’t go no contact but they couldn’t keep me around. I am the only one that moved away and made a life for myself.
@@Sweepee-v2v All true. Thank you 🙏🏼
The financial instability thing hits hard. Not only was I not taught about money, I was constantly told I had no skills and would never be able to hold a job. Well, all my jobs have been long term, but they’ve also been dead end jobs because I don’t know how to get or even believe I deserve to get better. Even looking into taking courses makes me feel hopeless.
You deserve to give yourself a better life. Take courses, learn and use it.
You DO deserve better! Try taking one course and you will see, when you are finally left alone, you do just fine. Once no one is sabotaging you and constantly criticizing you, pulling you down and all of that, you will be able to be yourself and do your own thing and you will do great! You can do it!!
Totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve struggled with that a lot too. Something I’ve found helpful is totally dropping the concept of ‘deserving’ something. Don’t allow yourself to decide whether you deserve it or don’t deserve it. That’s totally subjective. Decide that if you WANT something, you can have it. Start with very small goals and break it down into tiny manageable steps. You don’t climb a mountain by leaping to the top in one giant step. You put one foot in front of the other, one seemingly insignificant step at a time. Eventually you get to the top ❤
Just get started. You can do it!! Step by step and you will enrich your life along the way.
I struggle with this issue. I also have those self sabotaging feelings. Good luck I wish you all the best
Be brave when you feel afraid.
As a child, young adult- hell, even as an old adult, I felt like I needed "permission" to identify the family as dysfunctional. It never even occurred to me that I sought permission from the family and they were definitely not ever going to admit to anything less than being "the perfect family". I have struggled with self validation for all these decades because I always needed the permission of that family to define myself and, as the scapegoat, their definition of me wasn't very accurate. "I survived" had become my rally cry but now I really need to view myself as Thriving. Those old lessons taught by bad teachers really leave me questioning everything and feeling like I need their approval still.
Yes! I still feel guilty for sharing my experiences with friends, despite knowing I have every right to. We were groomed.
I truly understand. I feel the same way. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Yeah, it takes a long time to individuate from their toxic narrative
Spot on. I'm still working on escaping those false labels from my narc "family". Godspeed in our healing journey.
I just want to say, that attunement to your real feelings and self-differentiation exercises will eventually reduce the need for external approval. It takes time. I also made my mindmap of achievements several years ago and I am updating it since; it helps a lot with becoming visible to myself, and retaining a positive self-view when I am struggling.
I had to be 25 to understand social skills people learn early on. In my house I was always silenced and shut down whenever I spoke. I've thought I can do something wrong even by saying "hello" to people bc there's no habit of talking in my house.
Yes me too. It's unbelievable the sheer misery they cause. My heart goes out to the poor children that's going through this today 💔 it's just unbearable too know it's a thing that will always go on in some families. 😢
Yeah that sounds about right.
me to 29
58 here and still just getting it...
I was silenced and shamed for my entire childhood and as a result, I have very awkward social skills that have hampered my career and I speak in a very low voice. But as a younger adult, I still got berated for ‘lacking ambition’/‘not standing up for myself’ and generally not being much of a a conversationalist.
Now I have very little to say to them because I certainly will not share anything of my life that could be thrown back in my face and I have little interest in their lives where they judge every single person they interact with behind their backs. So we sit together in long awkward silences, and I have found out that this is a super power: I relish the knowledge that I am mostly indifferent to them now while they squirm uncomfortably. I am 53, how the tables have turned!
Much courage to all of you out there on this journey of self healing, life truly does get better ❤
I developed a habit of talking to myself when I was young. I was mostly doing it to self parent and self validate myself. People used to laugh at me and be creeped out because they thought I was crazy. Every decision I made was wrong.
💜
I’m sure not every decision was wrong. Don’t be so hard on yourself.❤
I still to this day talk to myself. I parent myself through everything.
Thank you for sharing.
And be happy because you become the reason someone and many people smiles genuinely because of getting a feeling being understood and feeling safe for doing so.
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
omg same, and I'm 47 years old and STILL talk to myself.. it brings comfort
Daily I ask myself, “How in the hell did you manage to survive this?!?”🤔🙏
GOD
I never knew my own strength. Now when I see people struggling, I also see them getting through it, hopefully with more compassion and help than I had.
Faith
I've had psychologists who have said that
Trusting in Divine order and Divine,Holy Spirit.
Supernaturally.
__________________
No words.To describe it.
The worst part was having to take care of THEM and then be blamed for any outcome they didn't like.
The best part was that whole world was safer and more loving than my home. After them i felt safer in almost any place than with them.
I never felt safe as a kid.
@@elizabethmadron1336Me either.
The thing my parents taught me the most is what not to be...cruel, mean, unkind and utterly self centered
"DEAL WITH IT...
FIGURE IT OUT....
AND IT'S YOUR PROBLEM"
That's the only answers and support my mom instilled into me.
Figure it out…. Yes. Same thing my mom said to me. And that’s exactly what I’m doing today, without her.
Mine was "GET OVER IT!".
"suck it up" another my patriarchal mother used Queen of her own show.
Another thing parents can do is pretend that they are supportive when they are really pushing their own agenda. It’s very confusing
I heard these too. Also, "tough shit" was said if I didn't like something.
For some reason, I didn't realize it is ok to be patient with myself.
Both my parents have always been impatient, I didn't know either.
Worst part was my father saying he couldn't do anything because we were "fiercely independent" I was like yeah we had no choice we were left for dead.
Im 60 and only figured it out in my fifties, that my entire family was toxic. I had no idea i raised myself until now, in all the ways mentioned. I turned out om, because of who i am in general i guess, but it could have gone so badly
Great victory ✌️
I was 41 almost 42 I get it
Me too! I get so angry with myself sometimes that I couldn’t understand what was happening. I remember turning 60 and googling my mom’s behavior. I’d never heard the word narcissist before. I took that word and started researching like crazy. I tried all the things I’d learned. It just didn’t work anymore. So this year at 64 I had to let both 6:38 my elderly parents go. I went no contact. It’s so painful, but I finally feel like an adult. Here I am middle aged and just feeling like I don’t have to run every decision by them. It’s so sad that most of my life is gone and basically wasted.
People, don’t wait like I did. 😢
@@Greeceismygoto it's never too late but you better start hurrying up and starting to make thousands and thousands of decisions just make them haphazardly and randomly just for the joy of the feeling of to know that you're the one who's doing it you're not running it by anybody just start making decisions left and right left and right make all kinds of decisions overload overload overload keep going learn how it feels to be Sovereign and to make it yourself
It’s the “Latch-key” kid syndrome we’ve all (I certainly did) as a child.
The “parents” were either out working and putting their family second or (in my case) or weren’t interested and used the time to cheat.
My mother was a SAHM and she still didn't want us around. I disliked Summer Camp, but she tried everything to get me out of the house. When I was around 13ish...? She sent me to Gymnastics, because the weightlifting coach I had, was also the gymnastics coach.
Imagine a 230ish+ lb boy trying to do gymnastics? I was so embarrassed. I remember one kid a year older than me, who was the top guy there, making a comment about me saying "Why are you even here' or something, and instead of saying I was forced I just said that "I'm stronger than you, and can lift more" and he basically laughed and said "Who cares?"
I was so pissed.... Being harassed when I didn't even want to be there.`
I remember one time they asked to see me do a "Cartwheel." I felt so emasculated.... I will say Gymnastics are cool, and I respect them for being able to move their bodies and such, and I wish I could do that and had the flexibility to do that... But I just felt like the way I was treated was completely wrong.`
I also recall one pos kid from my neighborhood, who I really didn't like and had issues with my brother and myself, `told me my dad came up to him and said that he should join gymnastics with me.... Can you believe that BS?
My father had no clue about anything... He was busy in his room working while mom was always controlling everything... So he probably had no clue that mom forced me, and thought I wanted to go or something..... He never asked me my thoughts though, he just went out into the world to tell others about it.
230lb `young teen boy, who wanted to lift and be strong, being sent to gymnastics.... Then telling everyone `about it as if it was something I wanted.
Oh and the best part I just remembered? Oh wow....` I'm starting to remember more of this story, but I used to tell was we got out of the car and she tells me she's here to sign me up for camp, or I can go to gymnastics and I'm busy crying in the middle of the parking lot, begging her to not do this... but I had to make a choice... and I hated the kids at camp, because I was always picked on, and had a mother who threatened me if I got in trouble she would send me away to military school... So I was scared to always defend myself, because I was always yelled at for "fighting" my brother, even though it was roughhousing and wrestling. I was so broken..
But now I just remembered more of this..... She actually took me to the town center area, which was 10ish mins away from where we were, and brought me to the sign up area for the camp, and told me in the parking lot that this is what's going to happen. I don't know what she did to get me into the car and get me to go, what sort of lie she told me... But now that i think about it... I cannot believe how this went down. Such a disgusting, dirty, evil person.
Makes me ABSOLUTELY SICK TO MY STOMACH to remember more of this stuff.`
EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot to post this after I recalled the other story.... At the time I believe it was the same time that mom had forced dad to put a padlock on the fridge, because I was "eating them out of house and cupboard," when my mother barely bought food, and my father touted them as the greatest parents in the world for never buying us kids snacks. Meanwhile you should see the snake pile in my dad's room. I remember, a few months ago, counting 20 bags of chips/etc on the floor, all different kinds. Sickness..
Meanwhile us kids got yelled at if we took one of mom's sugar-free ice pops that she was using for "dieting." Such abuse.
Yes and when you were in a relationship as a teen you were treated as a loose person when actually you were only out for love, freedom and a little acknowledgement yourself!
@@AlvinKazuthe abuse can help them not be focused on themselves, mom had us in Barbados missing my pregnant older overt coke head sis' wedding, sleeping with the help under our noses... I was also molested there and yrs later bro told me sis slept with same molester when she was in gr. 8, told my older bro thanks for info as same guy molested me when I was in gr. 6 but had no one to tell... People are f-uped, how they view sex shows it!
My mom "homeschooled" us. She liked to remind us how lucky we were that we weren't latchkey kids. At the same time, she basically put my older brother in charge of heating the frozen pizza and keep us little one's out of the street while she holed up in the office, arranging who our next step dad would be. We almost never left the house, but most days, she didn't know whether we'd learned anything or brushed our teeth.
My mom was a sahm but failed to get the memo that meant she was supposed to actually parent me unless she was performing for my father after work. If she wasn't meeting my father's every need like a servant she was using me to help her cater to him.
Her favorite refrain when alone was how difficult my birth was or how much she had given up to have a worthless kid like me.
I wish I had been a latch key kid with a working mom...maybe there would have been less time for verbal abuse.
My mother's idea of conflict resolution was to get in my face and scream "GET OVER IT!"
Solved everything, lemme tell ya.
It's super fun to be screamed at by a person who has clearly not and never bothered to get over what was hurting her all her miserable life. And then and then and then, the best part is hearing her, also scream, "I NEVER SAID THAT!" when you tell her you're going to put it on her tombstone because she said it so much and still does.
Ugh.
Internet hugs to all you survivors. Hang in there. Thank you, Jerry.
Are we related? 😂
Oy.
My narc. father always said I never said that!! He was such a liar!!
My mother would sweep everything under the rug.
🧸10:22 "Don't end up treating yourself the way your parents treated you."
And that is a vigil !
Joined the military at 17 because i knew I needed more guidance especially from other men. It helped a lot, I recall being taught how to do basic adulting things like, proper hygiene, my taxes, and how to drive.
Good stuff
I did the same thing...best years if my life. Learned a lot, roof over my head etc.
Spirituality saved my physical life
Im the eldest of 6 children, not only did I have to raise myself , I had to raise 5 other children by the age of 11yrs old. Both of my parents weren't just narcissist, they both had severe drug addictions. I never understood why did they have so many of us, when they never gave a shit about us. They left us unattended for weeks, with no food, no money, and no adult supervision. At 11 , I thought my parents were dead somewhere. After about 2 wks my NM would return and literally would make it my job to take care of her too. After she cleaned herself up, all of a sudden I became the problem, the scapegoat, she'd kick me out, she'd call anyone that'll listen to her and tell them I was crazy, she had all of my siblings fight me at once, all bc i would tell her she wasnt A Real Mother. Toxic toxic toxic environment to grow up in, yet I made it out by the time I was 13yrs old by being placed in a Psychiatric Hospital to get rid of me.....BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED BECAUSE I NEVER WENT BACK
I was the scapegoat too You are a survivor
You are an amazing human being to have survived all that!
Wow that sounds very hard. So sorry you experienced that much pain. Happy you made it out early and hope life is being kinder to you now.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Glad you made it out early though.
@@kimm59 You know, she might not mind, but I absolutely HATE the fact, that you belittle her with the 'honey'' part. I find that very offensive. Someone once did that to me. You don't 'honey' name other people, when they are over 10 years old.
Here is someone, who fought her way out and over this. A warrior she has become. You don't say 'honey' to any skilled warrior either, do you? Please never ever do this to someone again. Have some respect instead.
I can’t remember a single occasion when my mother praised me for anything. I learned after she died that she intentionally withheld praise in order to make sure I didn’t get “a swelled head.” I guess she thought a lifetime of self doubt and self hatred was preferable. 😳
oh my !!! im a textbook case... Thank God I found you because now I understand that 90% ofall my bad decisions were very much influenced by my narcissistic mother and emotional absent father. Let's the healing process begin!!
This is a message to anyone needing to watch this video:
You are awesome! 🤗
You fought hard and gave your best! 💪
Now, give yourself a pat on your shoulders and relax. 😮💨
For the first time I am hearing my life and family dynamics described. I am 78 years old. I feel like I have been pardoned for all of my mixed up life for the first time.
Same. I'm 65
You basically just talked about my life as a child and adult and living with the narcissistic abuse and violence of my mother father and brother. Going no contact and taking my beloved doggie with me is the single best decision that I have made. You are right. I am only now at 48 my learning to emotionally regulate myself after years of unhealed trauma. I realise that while I lived with them I was essentially emotionally orphaned by my parents and brother. Thank you for giving voice to the deep trauma that parents can inflict on their children and dispelling the myth that all parents love their children. It was a hard truth to realise but a truth that has helped in my healing
Orphaned is right, even they know deep down they're crappy humans!
The thing is they don’t care that they are hurting their own chikdren
It breaks my heart to read these comments. I hadn't realized how many others had been treated this way. We must continue healing ourselves to stop the cycle. Remain strong and keep fighting. I love all of us and I'm praying for us daily.
Also when they favour and spoil other siblings and you get nothing...no help ..support ..Nothing!
There is ALWAYS a golden child
That was me. I found out later in life I was an unwanted child. Mom accidentally got pregnant but the father was in the military and got shipped away. She had to raise me as a divorced woman who already had two children. I was her dirty little secret. She never told me the truth. She's a liar in my eyes.
I wondered my whole life what I ever did to her for her to treat me the way she did so indifferent towards me.
I went no contact from her when I was 28 years old. I'm 65 now. My life has been hell due to her neglect. 😢
Not only did my mother not take care of me but I parented her all my childhood and teenage years. I still grieve for my childhood because of that. In my opinion, denying your child their own identity and life is one of the worst crimes a parent can commit against their child.
(Edited for typos)
Imagine at 10 years old i learned the word "excuse me" and its application in every day life, like when you need to pass through somebody in your way. I remember i was sitting next to an old lady in the bus, my stop was close , so i stand up, she looked at me and told me: "what do you say in this situation?" I answered "move out", she correct me and said: "here we say, excuse me" I was so embarrassed red face, i never heard that word until then..... Narc parents don't even teach good manners....
You made a great point about self-validation. I realized recently that the reason I had such low self-esteem for most of my life was because my parents never made me feel loved by them, since they only ever spoke to me to criticize or insult me. It hit me that the reason why it's so important to make a child feel loved is so that they learn to love themselves. I never felt worthy of love, or worthy of respect, so I allowed a lot of harmful behavior from others and made really bad choices. Only recently have I learned the importance of choosing friends wisely and being good to myself. Feeling loved as a child can make a huge difference in a person's life successes.
Choosing the right friends is massively important
Dear fellow warriors, I have never read so many stories of neglect similar to mine. I am crying 😢 and my heart hurts for all of us. So many neglected children.
Thank you for expressing your anger and disgust at what happened to you. I feel the same way but I have never come across so many youtube comments of others expressing it.
It's like I have come home and found my tribe. Thank you for sharing your stories, honest feelings, and your healing path.
May you continue to recover and find peace 🕯🕊💔
And may you do the same, healing and peace to you always.
The last two years I've had to move in to my elder mom's house to take care of her after my father passed. I was the scapegoat of the four kids and left the house and hometown at 19. I was expected to leave the home I had created for my life. Which was an incredibly healing place for me. Now dealing everyday with the BS that comes with an elderly Narc. It has been the most challenging time in my life. Mom is 85 and about to lose her license and somehow this is my problem. She stated losing her drivers license will not work for HER! And, she will not stand for it. LOL My mother never helped with one single problem solving ever. I'm 64 now. I was raised with food insecurity so she could maintain her image and bottomless pit when it came to eating and/or going out to breakfast and dinner. As a small child my parents kept the refrigerator locked because I would get up at night and eat from hunger. I panhandled in middle school to eat lunch. I'm expected to make her meals for her, serve her meals to her and then clean up her mess. As I child I had to keep the house clean and here I am again keeping her house clean. I'm thankful I've worked on my mental and emotional wellness for decades and have great boundaries which also drives her crazy. I'm sad for my mom but my priority is my sanity. Not her's. I struggle with how cold that sounds and reality is it feels cold. But it is my survival mechanism. I will make sure my mom is taken care of and gets her needs meet but not on to my detriment! Thanks for your content. It very much helps.
Done this. Personally I would get home health/nursing and on her dime.
I ended up having to pay for my narc parents nursing home and medical bills. I'm 65 and in poverty and broke from them not taking responsibility for their own care and actions.
You dont deserve more abuse and going back to an empty well😢 Put yourself first, let them go fend for themself!
I totally agree that it’s time to put up some boundaries and not be guilt tripped into staying in that toxic environment
I had to help with my parents before they died because I was the only sibling who had a relationship with them. I had to do it on my own terms. Luckily, I was seeing a therapist who told me not to get a 2 family apartment building with my mother, as was her wish. That was my natural inclination, and it could have worked if it was a healthy situation. We lived in separate places and she ended up with a helper who was on her level. That was the only kind of person who could have tolerated her. You DO have to think of yourself and you do have to set limits on all kinds of things from their demands to how much guff you're going to take. I don't think it would be wise of you to live with her. Best wishes and good luck to you.
This is so true! I had to take care of myself because I had no support at all.
I guess we at least learned to be independent.
Yes, but independence need not be learned at such a high cost.
And resilient
At 48 I recently realized that my Mother gaslit me from childhood! I wasn’t able to see this until I started doing work on myself and healing from childhood trauma. It’s important to do the work to move forward ❤
I went out and got all A's and it was for myself, not Mom & Dad. Of course they interpreted it as them being great parents!!!
Extended family and friends of the narcissistic parents often do not confront them about their obnoxious behavior, their poor boundaries, their arrogance, their criticism of the children, and many other things. I think it's because people are afraid of the narcissists. And because they don't want the hassle of confronting the narcissists, the narcs' kids get thrown under the bus. So it's no wonder we don't know our parents are behaving toxically. And it's no wonder we pick up and imitate some of their behaviors, speech patterns, and more, as normal. All children are in a hypnotic state through age seven! So don't be hard on yourself, folks.
They also do not want to confront the narcissists in their lives. They put up walls. They are in denial. They want everything to be sunshine and rainbows. They don't want to get involved. I have learned that most people are wimps.
I knew something was wrong as I grew up, but in my 60's I finally faced the truth. Re-learning how to live and learn.
My mother never taught me how to do anything right, but if I done anything wrong she’d stomp on my head.
I said to my mother one time, you didn't teach me how to do x,y,z (meaning things like handling money, paying bills, cooking, cleaning, bog standard stuff), her answer "well nobody showed me". Then silence afterwards! Another was me mentioning things in childhood, he answer "well why didn't you tell me". I did tell her other things and was always met with a resounding NO! Regardless , the onus was on her, she was the parent not me. She never even accidentally met an emotional need. There was no encouragement of education or things I was good at. My father was all about himself, even refusing to take me to hospital at one point (he was the only one with a car and could drive). When you've no other point of reference, you think it's normal.
That's a classic Boomer or Silent Generation parenting deflection. Instead of even contemplating being a better parent than they were, they consciously do to you what was done to them. It's awful.
I was forced to keep myself safe alone
I'll never forgive those disgusting scumbags for what they did to me.
Just keep working through the anger. For the longest time I had all this intense anger inside of me and didn't know why, now I do.
Don’t forgive them they don’t deserve it forgive you self for not knowing the situation at hand ❤
Tears running down while watching this, I cannot help it...I just think: Yep! Yep! Yep!...
This was me. I am today strongly independant. At least I had my dog. I am nothing like my mother with my children.
This video explained why I’m so insecure and feel like I’m always trying to just ‘be normal’.
Strangers treat me better than my narcissistic dad does!
I know! I didn't realise the world is such a safe space actually.
Saaaaaaame
This was a VERY accurate video regarding the results of being raised by narcissist as well as how to recover. I know because I've done the work to recover. It hasn't ben easy but it is possible! I am 61 years old and have been going through some pretty intense healing work since my mid 50's. I type this today as the best version of myself ever. I am happy, healthy and most of all I love myself and what I've accomplished. As an aside I went no contact with the narcissistic parent 20 years ago and haven't looked back!!
Yea- they made me crazy then blamed me for being insane... There's no win.
If you're healthy they pat themselves on the back and leave you alone because you are Doing Fine on you OWN.
If you are sick they leave you alone because you are sick and beyond their understanding (ie you NEED and they consider that to be a real imposition- you 're a negative reflection them.)
I never knew until I was 62 years old. This is the 1st time I've heard someone address raising ourselves. I experienced all of this!!! I attracted toxic relationships my whole life. Money issues my whole life.
This is a brutal list! I relate to all of them … many of them I’ve healed through the years but I still rely on daily self talk in which I have to remind myself that “I’m effective, I’m capable” etc. I’ve come a long way but sometimes I’m just so tired of all the healing work…
Better to appreciate whatever's tossed to you, make a big deal out of it but when you're older and know what a diff good parenting/financial support makes to your own kids realize you owe your own parents nothing, get on with your lives be grateful you survived them, your siblings may not have because not everyone's smart!
I’m 39 almost 40 and I still struggle with feelings of needing permission, with fears of being punished and criticized. I still have fears of spending money on myself, or if having money because it will just be ‘wasted’. I’m 39 and have financial difficulties bc of that. I was in therapy and worked through a lot, but still have more to heal. The hardest part is coming to terms with the life I could have had, the things I could have done and been had I had the support and nurturing.
Yes, I never knew my mother was so toxic until about 10 years ago. Well, toxic yes. Dysfunctional, recently. I thought everyone’s mother was like this.
My childhood was a bit different. I always wondered why I loved everyone else's mother (and school teachers) more. And the rare occasion a schoolmate was around long enough to see my mother overreact, they pointed it out to me in private. Except at the time, I thought it was my fault. Now I see I had many clues that my mother was the one who was not normal, and the rest of the world was.
@@danielkaiser8971yes! We morn and are angry that we had to grow up with mentally ill parents or parents. Make no mistake they are mentally ill. So is your sibling if they are a narc or flying monkey. This is not normal behavior. We are the normal ones.What kind of parent is envious and does things on purpose to hurt their child? A mentally ill one.
Some of us just parented ourselves and did a very good job of it.
We dont suffer our childhood at all
We CHOSE to do different & be different and we succeeded 😊
I always tell my friends everything I know I pretty much had to teach myself the hard way...I am behind everyone else. Everyone else had an awesome head start!
I feel like they don't teach you "survival" skills because they don't care about your future away from them.
Thanks your videos explained alot I have been living this my whole life and I am pretty old now. This year has been hell. I am not allowing these clowns I am related to do bring me down again,
They simply do not guide properly the money issue. And use money as a tool to keep you in limbo.
Thank you Jerry!! Beautiful day for you and all here!!
I have trouble making decisions to this day and I'm old. I did learn at an early age to look beyond my family to know what kind of person I wanted to be--teachers, artists, intellectuals were my mentors. Thx for another great video ❤
My Dad would actually say "Ill give you something to cry about" if I cried. I laughed out loud at how true that was when you said that's how they teach "conflict resolution". So true Jerry.
This was my mom. I literally stop crying so quick even now that she can’t do anything to me.
I'm in my mid 50s, still trying to heal and still trying to figure out what went wrong. I've watched hundreds of videos, this one hit every single point I've been thinking about recently after finally realizing what "scapegoat child" means and how I ended up being one.
Hey brother Jerry 🤝 I’m one of those 60 year old’s who just couldn’t figure out what is wrong with me 🫤
2 1/2 years ago I finally found the needle in the proverbial hay stack and I went no contact, it’s been a tough road , my mother took my 3 daughters with her $ money talks ya know what I’m saying there . My 2 sons get it and they also have gone know contact.
These narcissistic people are really bad for the long road ya know , I would take the physical abuse all over again in trade for the emotional degradation and constant shaming.
God bless you brother 🙏🏼🕊️
Keep up the good work there are many of us who need people like you to help us back up 🤝👍
THE REAL TRAGIC IS That I've subconsciously raised my 2 children the same way. I hate myself for it, so are they 😢
I raised my sons from the point of a parent who was damaged by a narc mother. My guilt will never go away
I would have done exactly this, I would have been the world’s worst parent. Just as well I never wanted children and never had any.
Jerry, when I was in therapy, the therapist spent about half the time teaching me social skills. She dealt with people who had alcoholic parents and teaching social skills was just identified as an issue in itself. This was in the early 1980s and the DMS-IV (?) had only just recognized BDP and NPD so the discussion was usually about the alcoholic parent and the narcissistic one. TY for your videos.
Well I can be super critical of RUclips videos on narcissism because I think more than a few creators are exploiting their audience. But this video in particular is excellent. Beyond excellent. Just the facts, ma’am. Well done.
This whole video is Me right here smh im glad I figured it out on my own with guidance from Jesus Christ and his father God that put me in the pathway to decent people that help me along my journey . Me finding myself along the years through education helped along with reading the Bible. I’m glad I found this video as well ! what a blessings definitely taking the class this weekend thanks Jerry 🙌🏿🙏🏾
I agree Jesus has been by my side my entire life when others including family let me down and abandoned me.
A few strangers helped me along the way, but never my family.
Thank you for this valuable information. Seeking support for anything was always a battle for me growing up. Even after I was well into my twenty's when I sought therapy because I couldn't figure out why I felt so terribly bad about myself, my narc "mother" freaked out and said that I better not be talking about my parents, or blame them for anything. She said it's "terribly wrong" to discuss your parents in therapy. I recall feeling extremely confused and shameful at the time and gave up therapy for a few decades, and suffered deeply because of delaying it. I finally cut off all contact with her, and am in good therapy now. I'm also fully transparent about my toxic, abusive, narc parent. Onward and upward. 🦋
Forward forever, backwards never. Good for you.
Good for you! You created the distance you needed to see things clearly, and heal
All so true although i have worked very hard to be a good parent to myself I still feel the echoes of the neglect i experienced as a child . At least now I can recognise it and take action to mitigate its effects.
This is the first time in my life these words have resonated. At my age, that's a sad statement. But this article certainly described it all when I was a child, then preteen, then hs student. And it follows us, doesn't it. Some of us are seniors, and just now realizing we've carried this around, like our cherished childhood red wagon, for decades. All that sad mileage. Sigh... My mother is still alive, 94, failing now yet like Sherman's March to the sea, she's purposed to destroy whatever is in her path (that she hadn't decimated earlier.)
They're really looking towards their CHILDREN to help THEM!!
This was exactly my childhood. Thank you for sharing this video 💜
Thank you for this video. Ever since i was a little boy, I've always found myself seeking and accumulating surrogate fathers and mothers. Aside from therapists, I am also spending money addictively whenever I can on bus trips, train trips, flights, restaurants, bars, salons, and hotels. It's because with these I always feel safe and taken care of.
Thanks for sharing!
It breaks my heart to see how many of us are survivors as I see myself in many of these comments; however I am very happy we are survivors.
Thanks Jerry. I’m onto module 4 of your “Road to self” and it’s so helpful. Realising that narcissistic families make you resilient by default is wonderful. I feel like I was pretty much feral and then criticised for not knowing how to be an adult! Anyway, I’m learning about how to be emotionally resilient and am getting the dysfunction out of my nervous system. Thank you again xxx
That’s amazing! Thank you so much for sharing and for being part of my program community
TV Sitcoms, Teachers, Parents of friends... raised me, I guess..but yes...I was invalidated and not taught emotional.regulation at all
OMG the money part. My mom made me and my brother work at my dad's business starting in grade school and made us deposit our money in accounts that we couldn't touch. We were never allowed to spend that money and never learned how to budget or spend responsibly. I was 25 before I learned how to be responsible with money.
@jerrywise
Hi Jerry Wise,
Today, I got your videos in my RUclips recommendations feed.
Your videos on scapegoated child, narcissistic family abuse, totally resonate with me.
Have watched 4-5 videos of yours today.
Appreciate your videos, Gives Clarity to me.
I am 42 years old.
I am from India.
This video - is Completely TRUE with me.
I am raising myself alone, and I will have to, for the rest of my life. Even since childhood, no one was there for me, except me. Despite having mother and father, being the only son, I am all alone.
And, that is Not All. there is More Tragedy.
I feel like I will have to dedicate rest of my life (every single day of my life) to the journey of healing myself, finding a life for myself.
There is no informative video like this one on the Internet
that says stop putting the blame
on what is obvious, and teach youself the information your parents didn't,
their the ones that will look bad to other people, not you.
a lot of us not only weren't taught self-care, but we were taught absolutely not under any circumstances to care for ourselves--we were taught we're not worth caring for. we were taught absolutely not under any conditions to seek support of any kind, especially outside the family lest perhaps we spill the beans on how toxic our upbringings were. and our judgment around others--like who would or would not be a good spouse or someone who could love us back if we love them first--is so damaged that it ends up just being easier not to get involved with anyone romantically because only the toxic ones will have us, and the ones we love want nothing to do with us no matter how great we truly are (and we are!).
💯
I have just turned 40 this August and I am starting a new life after 40 years of narcissistic abuse and neglect from parents, siblings and others. I am teaching myself how to be a good parent to my inner child. I started this journey at 30 and it has been very hard/ painful but well worth it. It's never too late to change course. Keep going.❤️❤️
I taught myself to love myself by getting straight A's, never getting into trouble, and graduating from college. I bought my own house, car, furniture and raised myself far above what my narc mother could do which was to marry someone who already had those things. Boy, did she hate me. She made sure that I wore hand-me-downs while my sister and brothers got new clothes. I was the Cinderella who had to clean house every weekend and then spent the rest of my time in the bedroom upstairs. It has been 2 years of No Contact with my entire family. She turns 90 this year and I do not care. I will not go to her funeral nor are any of them allowed at my service. It took me until I was in my late 50s to see what a horrible family I lived in. Children do not know what they do not know.
Omg I relate I was called cinderelly and laughed at, I was cleaning 2500 sq ft house often by myself and it was never good enough. I had to wash her clothing, bedding and organize her walk in closet while she sat on her ass and dictated me. I don’t wish this on anyone, I hope you’re all well.