Narcissistic Family: They Paint You BAD For These Very Normal Behaviors
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- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
- In this video, I delve into how narcissistic family dynamics can distort perception, particularly by painting normal behaviors or actions as negative traits.
It's time to reclaim your sense of self and recognize when your family's portrayal of you is unjust or inaccurate. By shedding light on these dynamics, you'll gain the tools to self-differentiate and navigate familial relationships with confidence and self-assurance.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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Thank you for making these videos!
Having them broken down by things like experiences, observations, goals, and expectations it is helpful for those raised in these environments.
I know from experience they can out of the gate stumble by questioning a simple fact. Due to gaslighting or other reinforcements ones reality may have been warped or certain things obscured. Aspects that when found become potentially overwhelming & denied at the same time.
A bit like Platos allegory of the cave, gets played out in ones head.
So, by breaking components down not only helps with specific experience awareness, bite sizes also helps it be more wholly consumed. Understanding as clarity-nourishment for the next steps.
Thanks again!
Hello Jerry I hag the ultimate healthy revenge on my former Mummy and Daddy
At age sixteen while crashing and burning at the stupid hippy high school they sent me to I answered an add in the paper to sit an exam and become a Government telephone technician. I of course aced it with little or no study on induction we had to sign the official secrets act and were then told.
That we had just passed the Bletchley Park exam and were considered
"As A grade war winning military assets and if we wanted we could be fast pathed into signals Officer training and should war break out to report for duty where we would be taken to a place where we could not be captured or interrogated by the enemy."
And this was the first secret that we had to keep especially from our parents because if word got out instead of 600 people turning up to the exam they would have 6000. I went no contact before the thirty year rule was up so they both died with out ever knowing.
I never considered my mother to be a narcissist, but this video could've been an analysis of my mum. It makes so much sense.... I always knew she was projecting ... her mum was 10million times worse, so .... what can you do...?
I don't mean to throw a wrench in your "if Hitler hates someone, they are good" argument, but European Romani ("gypsies") are still treated with suspicion and called thieves, to this day.
Are they really "anti-thieves"? Well, no. Some Romani really were, historically, thieves. It is just a fact, in common with other outcast groups, on the fringes of mainstream society.
Were they "good" before they had to resort to such tactics? Well, they were still seen as suspicious for being showmen, or even conmen, for pretending to have deep, spiritual knowledge.
We still see that stock character as potentially dangerous, or at any rate, just not on "your" side.
So, I'm not sure that it works. There are other reasons to fear and suspect others. Maybe their creativity and resourcefulness in finding alternate income was truly mysterious to mainstream people, and naturally led to exaggerated tales.
@@TwisterTornadolol I missed this in the video, interesting. Jerry I suspect is American, for whom this notion of Hitler a practically a rule of thumb, if he is Jewish it is nearly unfathomable to question. Not here to defend anything just saying like with everything else these days, do your research as broadly as possible.
Kinda funny,as a child I recall an adult saying Hitler would have liked me. Since I was around 5 years old, the notion of being liked was established to be a good thing, (as a better rule of thumb) my reaction was “its ok to be liked.” That man, my parents and the other maybe 5 adults standing around us all at once said NOOOOOOOO, While having no clue who Hitler was, it was an odd situation and I figure why it stuck with me.
Now, reflect that against what Jerry said… lol.. tsk tsk tsk Jerry I said nice things about you!
You're damned if you do, damned if you don't, there's no winning with them.
Narcissists love putting you in a double bind. Probably due to their sadistic nature, plus they are hopeful that if they upset you regularly before important events they gain more control of you!
Sounds like marriage 😬
True although I’ll add that they can get creative with tricking you into trying to meet their conflicting demands!
So true. I either stay home too much or I'm never home. My hair should be straight or sometimes curled. I never can win and that's coming from 2 narcissistic women in my family.
exactly, they'll always have their flying monkeys who will go through the most insane mental gymnastics trying to believe that you're the bad guy and not the narc 😂 you have to learn to be okay with them being committed to misunderstanding you and realize that they themselves are actually not healthy ppl and are not a proper judge of character
-Making simple mistakes.
-Being shy.
-Never knowing how to react because the smallest thing could set off a massive meltdown.
-Not standing up for myself outside of the home. Because when I tried to stand up to the narcissist at home I got ripped a new one. But if I didn't stand up against someone else I also got ripped a new one.
-Wanting therapy. Because it would reflect "badly" on them.
-Crying. I needed to "grow up". I was 8.
-Having phobias (bugs were a big one). Being screamed at as a kid because I didnt want to scoop up a large insect and put it outside, even though the narcissist was standing right next to it.
-And yes, I was a good kid. I did my homework, rarely went to parties, never drank, smoke, or did drugs, got decent grades, did a lot of extracurricular stuff, and my parents always knew where I was and what I was doing. But there was always something I was doing "wrong". 😞
There it is.
"Because when I tried to stand up to the narcissist at home I got ripped a new one. But if I didn't stand up against someone else I also got ripped a new one." --- Getting pushed into a fight at school, and if you lose, you get another beating for losing. But you are NOT allowed to take up any training on HOW to fight.
"And yes, I was a good kid. I did my homework, rarely went to parties, never drank, smoke, or did drugs, got decent grades, did a lot of extracurricular stuff, and my parents always knew where I was and what I was doing. But there was always something I was doing "wrong"
-- NOTHING was ever good enough, and if you did "ace" anything, "WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT ALL THE TIME"
We literally had the same childhood. The big one was very specific. I was scared to light candles too, so I was pathetic, weak etc. it was a spider, it was a CANDLE. I can’t believe our parents…
I’m so sorry, I can very much relate!
I so feel you on the last point.
Gosh I related so much to what you said I think what really got me was when you explained being a “good” kid! I think despite being raised in abuse you turned out good despite circumstances
"Raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all" - Marilyn Manson on narcissist parents
Marilyn Manson is an awful guy for the abuse he's inflicted on his own partners, but as someone who's listened to his entire discography, he also has incredibly personal insight into narcissistically abusive families.
That is scary on point.
He’s a literal monster.
@@ChrisMeadows1992tons of monsters come from narcissistic families. That’s how it works
The message matters more than your bias on who said it
My mother never forgave me for growing up.
Ironic bc they make you grow up so fast, turn you absolutely fearless and rob you of any possiblity of childhood. You stand on your own.
You don’t need ANYONE’S “forgiveness” for releasing yourself from your abusers regardless of their label. This is a common myth perpetrated by the Self-Help Industry to help themselves to your wallet. As an adult you do have Agency. Chose YOU because they never will. Speaking of “wills” yes they will “cut you out” of their’s. So what? That should tell you something about your “value” and the “unconditional love” of your parent.
Same!
My mother never accepted I had grown up. When I was 67 she still talked to me as though I was a 12 year old. She turned me into the family servant when I was 12. When I told her about a book I was enjoying reading, she said, “ I hope you’ve done the housework first”. I was 67 years old for goodness sake! She didn’t say this to my other sisters.
My mother never forgave for being female.
My parents constantly told me in my late teens and early 20s, “You need to get your priorities right!” What they meant was, I don’t get to decide for myself what’s important to me, if it’s not important to them, it’s just wrong. They told me I was wasting my time messing with tape recorders and microphones. Well, I’ve had a 30 year career in commercial radio and now I produce and narrate audiobooks. I’ve won many international awards.
And I have no contact with my family of origin.
@GrahamMack It is as if they knew what you were good at, and tried to keep you away from it.
Good u don't need to contact your family as they will put you down.
Boom💥. So glad for you !
@@pinkazure808 most likely!
congratulations ❤
When a collective of crazies think you are crazy..
Yes! How difficult it is to live with that. Total confusion of the mind, especially as a kid. In my 50s now, but as a teen, I won best personality in high school & was so confused why other people thought that of me, but my family saw me so differently. I was a nothing , still am. I was trouble, never listened, and literally called crazy, just a loser in their eyes. My crazy family calling me crazy & a sibling, the golden child, going in & out of the mental institution. But she’s good. Sick sick sick!
It's actually a compliment...
Yes! I live with my MIL with my husband and son. My sister in law lives next door, it's a duplex. These people are absolutely crazy. They sit on their butts all day doing nothing..then when I get off work they pounce on me to run all their errands, buy everyone dinner, and cook it for them. If I go to leave the house she runs to the door and demands where we're going. She accuses us of going out to eat. She's just a real piece of work. If she hears a sound upstairs she yells upstairs What was that!. Or if someone is un the bathroom she yells up Who's in the bathroom. Or if I'm simply talking to my husband she'll walk into the room and just stand there and look at us and say What? She inserts herself in everything. It's getting to be pretty disgusting. She is completely instrusive. I can simply say I'm tired after coming home from work...and she always says Try being 74. She's always more tired. She always hurts more. You can't share anything about yourself. She always one ups whatever is said. I thought that staying to myself would remedy the problem. It made it worse. Now she makes rude comments how I don't say hello. And how I don't do anything for her anymore. Well yeah, when she calls me a bitch and trash talks me then yes..I'm not going to be nice anymore. It's just exhausting and I'm done. No grown person should act this way. We're moving at the end of summer. Not sure what she's going to do about her medications and her bills. I remind her about medication and I pay her bills. She's going to crash and burn..and I simply don't care anymore. She will die alone. I'm sad for her that she's pushed almost everybody away and will be alone. I have to be done though. She is toxic.
My narc mother, whose 78, recently asked whether I recalled seeing a musical with her when I was about 8 years old. She was wistful and nostalgic about it. I said yeah, I remember it. Before the show, I'd had an allergic reaction to something, and since the tickets were more important than my well being, she gave me an adult strength prescription antihistamine, dragged me to the show and of course I fell asleep. Couldn't help it. She tried to wake me a few times, but I was drugged. Later she was yelling and upset that she'd wasted the money and that I'd missed it all. I reminded her of this, and she got defensive, saying she was angry at the situation, not me. Yeah, she was yelling at me, not the situation. I was traumatised by that. I did nothing wrong. And even today she couldn't just apologize, not even in a disingenuous way. Nope. It was my fault for misunderstanding her rage. One example of many. When these come up, she pulls out random things she did which were nice as her shield and excuse. Because to her, that's how it works. "But I got that thing for you!" or "But I gave you the money for that thing!"
Yeah, I'd trade that for a warm, caring, demonstrarive parent.
You hit the nail on the head. My so-called parents would do the same thing and always point out good things they did but do you know what I always said about that? A nice cup of sugar when put a few teaspoons of poison into it is unable to be drunk
”It was my fault for MISUNDERSTANDING her range”. Spot on.
We misunderstand their love too🙄 and THATS why the relationship never worked, not because of them..
Thank you for sharing❤️🩹
Yep, they like to drug children.
It's also amazing how they claim their memory is going but can remember something that happend 30 years ago my mom is 71 and is always looking for validation for all the things she did for me and my sister.
@@jenniferfisher2703 cuz she has a guilt conscience
my mom loves to say “ i guess i am just a bad mother” whenever i call her out on her toxic behavior. 😂🤷🏼♀️
Mine to with alot of crying
Agh the “poor me” games. I hate that. The person who’s the aggressor playing victim…🤮🤮 nothing worse. I just laugh and walk away now..
To anyone who suffered this - your parents do not define you. You are not your parents, you are not your upbringing, you are not social norms around you. You are a unique and wonderful human being capable of making better choices every day. Choose kindness.
I wish I had therapy a long time ago. When I was very little there was always yelling in the house , my mom was always angry so I stayed in my room reafing all the time. I was always at the library or reading in my room Ior at my best friends house just to be away from mostly my mom. I never wanted kids bc when I was little and the abuse I put up with I always told myself i was never having kids bc if this is what life is like I don’t want anyone else to experience this. So I never had kids. Ti this day I still don’t want any because of the dysfunctional ish I put up with my entire childhood and evidently adulthood. I was always afraid I would pass down the terrible attitude of my mom. I just don’t want to put anyone through what I been through. I’m very happy with my husband , cat and friends !
@@ccalexander1924 if you are happy, I am happy for you ✨
Choose *your* one and only life, the one you have right now. This isn’t your dress rehearsal for your imagined life or waiting for the vagaries of medicine, age, your unfounded hope for change etc.
Not gonna happen. What you see is what you get as long as you have them in your life at all.
Ahhh That is beautiful and Lovely. 😊
❤❤❤🥂💃
Oof. Spot on with everything. And with number 3, they infantilize you, but still expect you to be perfect at everything without help or guidance.
@MoonstarGem1 I have gone through this as well. Shame on them!
MIL absolutely ROASTED my adult husband for not knowing how to boil potatoes to mash. "Everyone knows how to make mashed potatoes!"
Apparently it never dawned on her that she never bothered to teach him how to cook. No, clearly it must be HIS failing, right?
These people, I swear.
@@llareiathis! My mother never taught me how to do anything, I’ve spent my adult life googling, watching RUclips videos etc, on how to do the simplest of tasks like laundry, basic cooking like boiling eggs, etc…. I remember at 32 years old I taught myself how to make whipped cream & said “turns out if you whisk heavy whipping cream enough you get whipped cream?!” At a family holiday & everyone thought it was HYSTERICAL. Like how could a grown adult not know that.
@@buchrisss Spot on! Exactly what I've gone through! I'm turning 27 in October and I had to teach myself basic tasks and I've been embarrassed about it for a long time. I didn't know how to do the simplest tasks as an adult. I was isolated most of my teen years and wasted a lot of time. I wish I matured much earlier in life. Knowledge was kept from me, I fell behind most people my age. I'm only just catching up on important things in my life now and still feel like a child at 26.
@@chloex7211omg I’m feeling your comment! I feel like I’m doing this to my teen but he doesn’t want to be around me or spend time with me to teach him😢😢😢 he wants to “game” and his life is passing by. 😢
"You are as good as they think you are bad."
What cheeses me off lately is how the narcissists around me assign bad behavior to me when I've done nothing wrong. If I put up a boundary, I do it because they've been hurtful and unreasonable. They will never see that THEY are the cause of my withdrawal. They go into victim mode that I've been mean and nasty because I won't put up with mistreatment anymore. In order to justify their crappy behavior, they have to make me out to be bad, not them, never them. I could have gone that direction and been just as horrid and miserable as they are. I chose differently, and I'm getting hell for it.
I hate their projection. I hate being the scapegoat. I hate having malice attributed to me when I haven't done anything other than stick up for myself. They don't like the pushback one bit. Slowly but surely I am freeing myself from their control and excising this cancerous tumor from my life.
Thank you, Jerry! High five to all you survivors out there!
They see and know they are the cause. THIER PLAN, is to hide it from everyone else.
You’re welcome!😊
@spacegirl226 High Five to you! I can relate so much to what you're saying.
Isn't it crazy being around someone who claims you to be all these bad things and yet they themselves have not a single flaw? It makes no sense that someone can say I'm a bad person for 'such and such' then days later do said thing that was so bad of me and not see any problem whatsoever for it (my narc sister used to bully me to shut down any self esteem I had but would also imitate me publicly to the point that it made me extremely uncomfortable being around her)? Once you get out of the thick of it you see just how absurd it all is!
@@juice_winkWe all live in nuthouses with these screwballs until we escape🤦🏻♀️.
"They do crazy stuff in public", OMG i was so ashamed of my parents like milion times. Last few years i avoided to go anywhere with my mother bcs she is extremely loud, ovesharing personal things with strangers, plus she have that high frequency irritating voice which is getting worse with age. Low self esteem woman who pretend she is high self esteem.
We used to entertain quite often at our home. Just fun get togethers. Cookouts, football game day hangouts, holiday get togethers, etc. WITHOUT fail....my mom would have some sort of meltdown shortly into whatever event it was... like a very loud, obvious meltdown... and then storm off & leave. Years into this repetitive cycle, a couple of my very dear friends told me they were taking bets on how long into the next gathering it would be before my mom pulled her drama & would leave. So freaking sad.
@@OGGlammaYep. They ruin *every darn occassion* and then blame us, the hapless kids who have no agency at all. Cut ‘em out like the malignancy they are and never allow contact with you OR your family. They’ve consistently shown you who they are but they don’t get to DEFINE you as an adult.
We would be at the grocery store. And she would forget her wallet. She would start slamming things and make a big scene. I was a little girl. It was so embarrassing The look on the cashier's face and the other people around. I'll never forget
I have vivid memory of my 5 year old birthday party. My mom had a meltdown as she couldn’t handle a group of little girls. I remember her raging in the backyard IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. I was 5 I went inside and opened all of my presents alone, without anyone else as they were all mesmerized by the rage tirade. Of course it was the very last birthday party I ever had. That’s only one tiny thing. When I grew up I was treated to her and my Dads new wife “comparing” him (yah) at a very sophisticated and quiet opening I invited them to (that affected my career…)
Now she is geriatric and after years of refusing to get hearing aids, and finally getting them only to constantly fiddle with them so they don’t work and so it still took me all day to recover from a 5 minute phone call…(I have light and sound sensitivity as well as migraines) so constantly ask her to please speak softer…she would say sure and then ignore it.
Now she is so deaf she is finally unable to communicate at all and has asked for help with her hearing. She is we believe also getting senile and so we will see. For now it’s a bit of a blessing that she doesn’t feel like talking. It’s really sad.
They do whatever they want in public. They are rude, they steal, they embarrass. My mom smacked me once in public for telling the truth. I was very young, 5 or so, and my dad was telling me to tell the truth. I was so confused.
It wasn't until my mid-40s until I realized that I wasn't the cause of other peoples' behavior and that adults are ultimately responsible for their own behavior.
I just noticed that the aunt that my mom can't stand was actually a courageous woman. In my nuclear family, it has always been considered "wrong" and "bad" to move out of the parents' home to live your life on your own terms. When she was a young adult, she moved out of her parents' home, and flew to another country. She pursued her career over there and married a man from that country. Mom still calls her names, and criticizes everything about her. Thanks to this video, I clearly see that mom did not want me to emulate my aunt.
I finally realized (around age
65) my mom had been accusing me of all the things SHE had done!
@@thefunteacher89 Yes, they do that. Some of the things I would never consider, like having a baby by her OLD husband's step son.
@@thefunteacher89 My mom does the same.
@@Imissyoulou So true.
My brother and I were labeled the “black sheep” of the family….because we bucked our narc mother’s system. I have only come to this conclusion a year ago(I’m 61)but realized then, that was our way of trying to distance ourselves from something(insidious)that we couldn’t put our finger on. I’m now in therapy and know that I’m THAT GOOD! She is into her narc collapse at this point
Keep up the self differentiation. Keep up living your life. Keep up with hard, necessary work and firm boundairess.
Reagardless of how the false selves say or feel.
You, everyone is important, valid.
If your own self love, freedom and independence regardless of any age. Upsets those around you. They aren't worth it.
Love on kindred
In my 60s and thanks to these videos I realized I was their scapegoat
So there is no way my communication with them can be anything but derogatory
For that reason I completely cut them off
The interesting benefit of this was surprising growth and release of general anxiety!
Yeah you were scapegoated like I was! I left for my own life and they all hated me for it! So I was the scapegoat who got shit slung at me for years! So fake and evil! It hurt though as it’s abusive! Gotta break away and go no contact!
@@Juke582 I wish you well, you are not alone 🫶
@@Juke582 I did finally brwak away, 1 year ago. We could never be ourselves!!!
My dad absolutely despises that my sisters and I have lives. I'll never forget the week I prepared to move he screamed that he'd get a judge to legally keep me at home the rest of my life 😂
😂😂😂
They really are nuts. When my husband and I decided to get back together and I told my parents I was moving out, my mom literally threw herself on the floor like a toddler and cried like a toddler. It was ridiculous, don’t know what the heck I was thinking moving back in with them when I did. 😩😂
😂 My mom would tell my sister that if she didn't call her every day, she was calling the police.
That’s kinda horrifying, but par for the course I guess for these people.
After all the years of putting up with their stupidity, I feel like something has finally clicked and I don’t want to speak to them anymore. What’s hard for me is feeling guilty for going no contact.
Do you feel guilty if you save yourself from a tiger? No. This is the same. So dont.
@@northstar5919 that’s a great way of looking at it, thanks.
I feel the same way, because they act like they are victims. My mom keeps reminding me that father is old and can die any day (he is 85 years with some comorbidities, but is strong enough and she is 66) and she says that I have changed since I moved from their home, got married and built a carrer. She asked me, 37 weeks pregnant, If I was only pretending. She also said that any normal decent daughter would want their mother living together to take Care of me and the New baby. She also tries to put me against my husband
@@annetwardowskydidonato9390 I know how you feel! My mom is still trying to get my husband and I to break up. She even went as far as doing witchcraft in our old apartment so he and I would break up. Easier said than done I know, but it’s best for us both to try and not give them anymore of our time. It’s draining.
@@annetwardowskydidonato9390 it is not fair the damage that is caused by these never ending jabs meant to cause guilt. A lifetime of resentment is a heavy burden. Now my mom is dying of cancer, she thrives from this kind of attention. It is strange being blamed for mentally shielding ourselves from the overwhelming negativity. At least as we age we recognize it is their projections, it is not our fault. I wish everyone the best.
Kids want to be loved. I did what they wanted but the love did not show up. Finally at 50 I decided they had given
me life, but it was up to me to live it as I wished.
Indeed @elizabethbryan7601 and an excellent move on your part! After my toxic childhood I have spent the last two years reparenting, undoing the brainwashing, and deprogramming the terrible input.
Good for you. My husband is 51 and was the caretaker for his mom and three sisters. His dad provided financially, but was not a great father at all! His dad passed in 2022 and his mom has moved half-way across the country (we share property lines with both of them, they were divorced). He also used to work for the same company as his dad. He seems more peaceful without them around (and little contact with his sisters, aside from texts/messages). When he does have contact (mostly holidays and yearly family visits), he seems agitated and unhappy. He still doesn't really know who he is or what he likes, but I pray that he gets there. It is sad to watch. I am low/no contact with them to save my own sanity. I don't miss the drama! Best wishes to you to find who you are!
I cant go anywhere with my mother in public. My father says he doesn't like crowds, but I'm sure that's code for he can't stand being in a crowd 'with her'.
Shirt I was wearing made me look too fat, another shirt was the wrong colour, nails too long, nails too short, wrong colour nail polish, hair parted on wrong side, too quiet, too sensitive, too loud. Not one word about how to handle finances, career choices, any thing useful in life. Just criticism never ending.
I always heard: you look like orphan that puked on itself. (I'm Polish, hence the cranky translation).
Spot on, Jerry! You're like an oasis in a desert of dysfunction. You speak the truth and help us unbrainwash ourselves.
I like your use of the word unbrainwashed
@@bewarefalsenonprofits A huge part of healing is undoing the brainwashing, operant conditioning, indoctrination, gaslighting, and grooming we endured.
💯
Yes thank you Jerry!!! I always felt so weird hating how my parents treated me. Hated it. Now I know why, and that I wasn't the the evil one.
I don't think I will live long enough to heal.
When i tried to bring it up, the retort was, "Would you rather not have been born?"
They birthed you, but you could been born dead. Stillbirth. They gave you only body.
I'm telling it to you, cause my mom told me : "I gave you life, so I allowed to take it."
"yes"
I've gotten to the point of seeing these people as sad and pathetic and let me tell you how satisfying it was to laugh in my narcissist family member's face when they started yelling and demanding the most ridiculous things from me. 😂 she looked so lost on what to do and started getting desperate while trying to threaten me
I told my mother "Yes, I wish you had kept your legs shut or aborted me so I would not have known that misery" shut her up for a while.
Telling the truth…😒 being punished for honesty is crazy
When I started putting up boundaries; very strict and specific boundaries, you could literally see the confusion on their faces lol! They had/have that dumbfounded look like “WHAAAT?” All I can say is, it’s PRICELESS!! I saw in real time how shocked they were and the “ audacity” of me to do that to them lol 😂 best decision I’ve ever made, and I stick to my boundaries like super glue!
Spot On!! When you are labeled the black sheep for living your own life and feel like the family will eventually cut you out of the family Will at the last minute.
That happens, it's the last lethal damage they do to us scapegoats, thanks God I saw it before, long story short, when my narc father died my malignant narcissist mother wants me to renounce my part to her, in order to make better investment so she will return it to me ...I was so close to fall in this tramp, but after seeing her true intentions I said no ...since then she has put my siblings against me.... More than ever, she is furious that I get something, seriously these beings are not human, but demons with human form.
I already feel cut off especially with my extended family. I live in and near Orlando,FL I have lost count of how many times family members have come here for vacation and never told me. Or for example I offer to take off a day of work to visit with them at the hotel or go to a theme park with them and they don't respond.
I've spoken to people who stayed in abusive families for the inheritance, only to be cut out of the will at the last minute. The moral of the story? NEVER stay in an abusive situation for the inheritance, it may never come.
I don’t want any money from them, believe me.
@@lordfreerealestate8302Very true.
Sometimes a perfectly normal thing becomes wrong or invalid simply because the narcissist cannot stand to see the scapegoat feeling good about themselves, receive praise or otherwise get positive attention, or when they feel the attention should be on or about them and not the scapegoat.
My favorite example is when I was 8 years old. I flew from Honolulu international airport to Chicago Ohare to visit my grandparents during summer vacation. All by myself. Alone. Unaccompanied on an eight hour trans Pacific flight. This was in the 1970s. They didn't have the "unaccompanied minors" program at airlines back then where an airline employee would hand hold and chaperone the child from parent at departure gate to other adult guardian at the arrival gate and at every moment in between, with dual forms of identification and biometric verification. Or My parents didn't know or care about it. My dad dropped me at the curb and said "you know where to go to check in and check your bag, right? Ask for an aisle seat near the back." and then drove away, and my grandma met me out on the sidewalk by the rental car shuttle buses after I got through baggage claim. I was eight years old, remember.
So. About a week into my stay we are at the grocery store. The checkout lady says to me, "oh my. You're such a mature young man. You really flew all the way here all by yourself from hawaii?"
Before I could say anything, my grandma chirped in, "oh yeah, but he can't even put the cap back on the toothpaste tube."
Apparently after I got to their house an hour's drive outside Chicago after my eight hour long flight from several time zones away, I brushed my teeth and went to bed to try to beat some of the jet lag. But I guess in my tiredness and jet lag fog I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste tube.
In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I was never forgiven for that one time I forgot. It became a part of who she thought I was as a person for the rest of my life. Never puts the toothpaste cap back on, always leaves dirty dishes in the sink, always puts his wet towel on the floor, never cleans his room, you know the routine. You're never going to be good enough, but you sure as beck better keep trying to please them anyway.
Wow. Disgusting. Yes, they did have the “unaccompanied minor” program in the 70’s. Thanks for sharing. It helps with the understanding.
Bred to be a sacrifice, brought me in to this world so she could take me out.
Not acceptable .
I really relate to your comment "bred to be a sacrifice". I'm the middle child, the peace maker, the tar baby, their whipping child. Even my middle name is Lea, just like the Lea that was sacrificed in the Bible. I want to scream ( because they don't listen to nice), I will no longer be your sacrifice and less than a slave. My EXmother had the audacity to say, "But your father is getting to the age he will need someone to care for him". Knowing he abused me in every possible way, knowing I had not spoken to him in a decade,.knowing he is a multimillionaire with a WIFE, an apprentice golden child son, and other children. You have got to be effing kidding me. I allowed these clowns to treat me like less than a slave my entire life. NO More. My crazy, Narc great aunt admitted to breeding her last son out of five children, so she and her equally demonic husband would have a house slave and emotional punching bag. Even after he was a man, a banker worth millions with his own wife and kids, she would lament on how much she had wanted a girl to do her bidding. Come to find out,he was a secret cross dresser, had been sexually abused by the Boy Scout master that catered to his mother's gardening obsession.He has money, power, great looks, two supportive wives but never had his parents love/approval. I am so glad I didn't have children, so I can break the crazy cycle and focus on healing late in life.
Look, aging doesn’t creep into your house, secrete itself in the hall linen closet and at some indefinite future point jump out and scream “SURPRISE!” We get *plenty* of notices ahead of time that yep, we’re aging, my friend.
Ugh, this was my life for tooo long. NO MORE. I have detached as much as possible from my narc mother and am finally on a path to healing. I am also breaking this cycle; recognizing this behavior for the evil abuse it is means I will never treat my own children this way - no matter how long I live or what age they are. As a child, I constantly wished that someone would see how awful my mother was to me (and there were physical bruises as well) and take me away from her. This is what makes me truly sad; that narc parents & family members often get away with their wrong behavior/get away with damaging their children because so few people see the abuse happening. The narc presents as a perfectly nice, likeable person to the outside world and no one would have ever believed us (and may not believe us now) if we had told/were to now reveal how that narc parent/s raged at and abused us in the privacy of our homes (or a private corner of a public space, because we had to be "disciplined" for "acting up.").
Ditto! I’m done too! Spend time with your tribe, the people that love you for being who you are supposed to be….to just be, it’s a wonderful feeling to be narc free
My complete termination of communication brought on surprising growth and release of a general anxiety that always floated over my head
So happy for you!! 😃
Sadly so very true!
At 95 and in memory care my mother still says let's talk in my room when I visit. Didn't take long to realize she wanted the privacy to again abuse me. It is still done when nobody sees. Low contact, the home calls when I'm needed for POA. Just wanted me back, its my turn!
Being your own person is attacked ! You do not have the right to you personal feelings or view point! Thank you! Jerry for what you are doing for us!
"The narcissist says 'ouch' when he slaps your face."
I have been told always that I am just too damned sensitive. When it came to my children, I was too damned overprotective 🤦♀️ ( because I would speak up for my children when it was something that might be hurting my children)
If my mother had a bad day, she would turn on the tears just before my dad got home, and she proceeded to tell him a lie about something I supposedly did. He would take off his belt and come in my room and would whip me with his belt, all the while my mother standing and watching with a sick smirk on her face. This was just the tip of the iceberg with her lies. Before she passed away, she managed to do the biggest smear campaign against me and now my two daughters no longer speak to me and i don't get to see my six grandchildren. This was because I chose to move over 2000 miles away from her and live my own life with my husband. Praise God my identity is in Him (God) and no one else, and I can honestly say that I am happy. I'm 64 and when I became a Christian over 30 years ago, thats when things got really bad with her. I truly think that narcissism is a clinical term for demon possession.
@leslieg8176 Yes, narcissists are most definitely influenced by demons, and as you said, possessed.
constantly asked why im angry. I cannot for the life of me explain without causing a fight. Then they get mad when I say Im not allowed to be angry....
Narcs never want you to think on your own or have your own likes and preferences, style or ideas...
They downplay what you like because they want you to adapt to what they like.
I hate when a narc tells you they like a certain food or find a certain type of person attractive as though their opinion on the subject is the only opinion that matters, and if you say you would prefer something different, they criticize it or act like it's not good. It's as if you're not allowed to have your own interests their way is better. I have a friend who is a golden child narc, and if I tell tell her a cerstin guy is attractive, she's quick to tell me, "Oh he's not that cute" I think this person looks better...it's all about her and what she thinks and feels is attractive. You can not be your individual self around narcs.
How do you know my family so well, without ever meeting them? I have spent a lifetime inflicting self-harm on myself, and beating myself up for everything I do or don't do. It's sad but this is what feels good and normal to me, to either hurt myself or tell myself how stupid/terrible I am. Only in the last few years, since being estranged from them, have I learned more positive ways to live.
This guy is the real deal!! Every word is worth listening to in this video. The answer is today!!
Victim blaming always hurts. No one starts out in life wanting to distance from parents.
No child wants to distance themselves from their parents, but for your own sake, sometimes you have to move on without them for your own sanity.
My brother in law hasn't had a girlfriend since high school and he's 64 years old. He visits his father every single day, multiple times a day and he works. My husband and I have finally gone no contact with the entire family, including our toxic narcissistic son-and that only happened recently-thank you for your valuable information, the only solution is to walk away-permanently. We deserve peace and prosperity, and there is no peace when it comes to these fools.
My daughter's very mad at me and will stop once I allow her to dictate my behaviour, I'm from a total narc cult family and friends whom married into mine.... Hardest part is she saw what crap I've gone through and wasn't willing to spare me some more, she's uptight, not my problem!
It’s hard when there are multiple narcs in the family. It makes you feel like no one on the outside will believe you.
@@livininamerica76 and we've come to the crossroads-we don't want to be believed-we want peace. And you're right, we are the black sheep and we are finally free. Blessings to you.
@@livininamerica76 Many times, I tried to tell people and relatives, what was happening. I told them how she would invite me to kiss her a22, when I asked for the basics, how she would beat me and I showed them the scars and whips on my tights from beatings with extension cords. They saw the black eye and knot on my forehead, from having a broom broken in face. I am not going to speak on having soup bowls broken over my head or how she would encourage to sell my body. I was only 12 years old. There is so much more that I could say but you probably would not believe me. I am GLAD that times have changed and no other child has to go through what I went through.
@@ImissyoulouJesus Christ I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you've found peace
They are Absolutely Crazy and Evil.
They are inhuman!
Yes, that is exactly what they are.
Agree totally.They are brutal and saddistic to.
@@stacielivinthedream8510No humanity in those empty shells.😢
@@FreedomAboveAll4 I couldn't agree more!!! There are so many of them everywhere, too! I think they sold their souls or have no spirit in the first place for sure!!!
My mother wanted me to be her free servant. I wanted my own life & hobbies & friends and she told anyonewho would listen that I was a spoiled brat & selfish. My mother never respected boundaries.
I had that experience also with my mother. She's dead now and I'm free. It's so peaceful without her drama. But other people didn't believe me because she put on an act to the rest of the world. As a child she'd blame me for things that were clearly not my fault. I had an uncle who lived in another state, ( I was 15 at the time) who was in a car accident and passed away. Somehow it was my fault!😢
My Grade 5 teacher physically abused me at the convent, leaving a large red weal on my leg because I didn't have encyclopedias at home. She really hated me. The psychologist said nothing was wrong. I feel betrayed that no one except my mother saw anything. The teacher got away with her cruel abuse, although my mother did complain to the principal and took me out of that school.
My son had a hard time at 15, I switched him out of school and the math teacher at the new school picked on him, nowhere to turn, they need the idiot there to teach next yr plus he's unionized, good on you on your kid's side, school's are falling apart they've too much on their plates or just crappy teachers, idk but everyone goes through crap, not everyone sees it as their destiny to pass on the hate to others who had absolutely nothing to do with it! 😢
That's horrible.
I spent the entirety of third grade in a classroom with a teacher who I swear enjoyed tormenting and humiliating children. I often came home crying. Nothing changed until the summer after FOURTH grade, when my parents moved to a school district that was admittedly a better fit for me. But while the misery was ongoing, I knew the girl across the street went to a different school; a Catholic school; I could have been sent there. My father would never allow it because I might get “indoctrinated”. I ended up converting Catholic at 26 and have sent both my kids to Catholic schools. Dang, didn’t do a very good job of keeping me atheist, did you, Dad? My mother of course chose to stay will him until I was 20. 😒
Just based off your first point, I've never neen able to have or live my own life. It's always kinda been in service to someone else
You can break free and live your own life NOW! You CAN make steps in that direction! 🙏 You deserve to live by your own wants and needs.
My older siblings are allowed to have a life. I, as the youngest, was born to serve others.
OK, I just purchased your “contract” for servitude. You’re released from said contract. Go have your life, not their’s. Best wishes from an old widow broad ;-)
Exactly 💯. I am in the same boat. One day we will be free, so hang in there and enjoy when that day comes!
Amen I was the youngest of 8. She totally focused on me. Lived her life through me stripped me of my identity at my age of 56. I'm just trying to figure out who I am. Thank God for my late husband he saved me she passed away. I forgive her, but i'm still In recovery from what she did to me
Same, I'm the youngest and the only Girl. My Mom gave me hell.
For me it’s the opposite. I’m the first born daughter. The youngest, my brother, is treated like a king and given freedom. I’m treated like Cinderella. I’m expected to obey, stay quiet and passive & have no desires of my own, only of what they want. Everything I do, everyone I talk to, anywhere I go, is treated with suspicion.
When I was 10 years old my dad, mom and I ate at a fast food restaurant. My dad carried the tray of food to the table and set it down on the edge, and the entire tray of food and drink spilled all over the floor. He made a big scene and blamed the restaurant and said it’s their fault because the tables aren’t long enough. I remember being so embarrassed and traumatized by him. I can’t even remember if he had to pay for the food again or if they gave it to him for free since he made such a scene.
My Mom would start in about air conditioning & sweaters before we even left. The whole time we were there she would go on about it. She'd clean the water spots off the cutlery or send it back for not being clean. She'd be super invested in conversations at other tables to the point of staring & becoming involved, dismiss it if I pointed out that it was rude and pretty much minimize me as much as possible. Everything was about her even if it wasn't. These people are something else. Really makes you wish you were invisible.
I rarely use the slur "Karen" considering most Karen's are kens, but have you noticed they're all Karens? I mean the men are the worst. As a kid he'd drag me about town going to stores, chew out the employees and threaten to "bust some heads' if they didn't do exactly what he wanted. Usually unfair, over the top requests.
If you`re the identified patient or target of gaslighting, they also PATHOLOGIZE normal things you do. They'll call you crazy for refusing to take the abuse. I was called crazy for doing normal things. And the more you resist, the more they double down.
I understand. I was called crazy because I began running away at 12. I was not running away from home, I was running away from ABUSE.
@@ImissyoulouI ran away the day after I turned 16. I took a bus 3000 miles and pretended I was 18, got 3 jobs and an apartment. It was a long time ago before computers and nobody was doing checks. The only thing I was scared of was my parents finding me. They did but I stayed away.
@@Anisky123 I am glad you were able to do that. By time I was 16, I had been insitutionzlized 5 times and I had a baby, thus, preventing me from running away at that point. I left the day after my 18th birthday. A KIND neighborhood took my and my kid in. I grew to LOVE her and vice versa. I place flower on her grave 3-4 times a year.
@@Imissyoulou I’m sorry your neighbour is no longer around but glad she could help you
^bad' and oblivious of your basic human needs and necessities .. clothes and shoes, food, grooming and health products, toys, money, friends, etc. Grow up quickly so you can take on these things for yourself. Zero childhood.
When they're trying to reinforce enmeshment and codependence, everything is "we" and "us." "We always put pickles in our tuna," or "I'm going to take our car to the gas station." (Both said to me as an adult. The car was mine- I paid for it and we did not share it.) I still get triggered when I hear people use those pronouns out of context or unnecessarily.
Yes - My mother told the neighbor, in front of me, that she put me through college. I paid my way through college myself. My mother gave me some money for food once in awhile but she in no way put me through college. Took all my accomplishments away from me whenever she could. It was mind boggling until I learned about narcissism.
My narc parent would use my name and her “sweet” voice when she was guilt tripping me. When people use my name unnecessarily I’m immediately triggered to think they might be trying to manipulate me.
@@mindymarie3379 I don't think my mother was actually a narcissist, but she definitely had some issues. She absolutely would lie about me in a heartbeat to make herself look good. Usually it made me look very bad, but I never bothered to correct her, because she always did it in front of people who wouldn't have believed me over her anyway. It's very hurtful.
I agree. And I always call it out, even if it makes me look petty. I refuse to concur anymore!
@@MollieFrieWeevilGenius Everyone does some narcissistic actions. But when it's deliberate and repeated, when it's a never-ending campaign...then it gets more likely that it could be a narcissist.
My narcissist aunt didn’t want me to apply to college nor my younger brother - but she approved my other first cousins to apply for college - my mom was so pissed at my aunt (my dad’s sister ) - I was too- I remember my aunt bullying and forcing my dad to comply with her demand that I don’t apply to college- but my mom resisted and she was the super empath who protected me and my brother from her toxic clutches - my dad was my aunt’s flying monkey 🐒
In the mind of my toxic aunt , I and my brother were low on the pecking order among her nephews and nieces
This resonates with me so much that I want to say it myself to your aunt to just f*** off. Despicable to put young minds down when a kind word of encouragement and support doesn’t even cost any money but it can really lift someone up, especially when young.
Wow, this is so very accurate. My parents were visiting for a MONTH, after my mother's cancer surgery. They wanted to come along on a shopping trip for a piece of furniture I needed. Instead of them strolling through the mall, my mother took over all discussions with the salesman. Finally, my husband politely said, "I don't think we are ready for a purchase". My mother glared at me and I said, "How about if we meet you down at the store exit in a few minutes while I get a brochure." My mother grabbed my father's arm in anger and hissed, "Let's go", then stormed off. It was a 45 minute drive back to the house and they called me every name you can imagine, screaming at me how worthless, what a b*tch, etc. Before the garage door was all the way up, they leaped out of the car, and refused to come out of their room for 3 days - other than creeping out at midnight to find food. On the 4th morning, my father finally came out of their bedroom and asked me, "Are you driving us to the airport or do we have to call a cab." I asked "How about if I make coffee and we sit down and talk things out. I don't understand why you were angry". He clenched his fists, and went back to his room, slamming the door". They left, took a cab. Never saw them again. They died 3 years ago. Nevercmet my children. My father was just as abused by my mother, as I was. I had pity for him. She was pure evil.
My in-laws did this once. They came to visit us for a long weekend. After the visit, said they had never been so disrespected in their lives. Still, to this day, we have no idea what they were talking about?? Sorry, but NO tears when my MIL passed. It was a huge relief instead. She was SO mean to me!
You had to get away from them or else you would have wound up in a bad situation worse than them - prison comes to mind. Many have asked me why I didn't 'forgive ' my mother - I was so tempted to kill her so I strictly stayed away from her. She died in the one place she did not want to be in - a nursing home - and I never once went there to see her ( no allegation could be made that I did anything to her while she was there ). Still have siblings who are angry with me because I stayed away from her. My well being is worth more to me than they ever will be.
The worst thing they create people who seek validation and love from others it's so embarrassing. Being a people pleaser and pick -me. I'm glad I stopped this but it's so embarrassing I hate my life 😂 I wish I understood sooner
Every time I stood up for myself or took my things and left they would ask: “What is wrong with you?” I can laugh at it now but is really sad that they treated me like this
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤❤❤once again this video is so on point! There was one time when I was a teenager I was having a bad time & was being difficult with my mother. This is a good 40+ yrs ago & it’s always stuck with me. Instead of recognizing there was something seriously bothering me & showing me patience & grace, trying to guide me through a tough time, she said to me “I hope you have a child just like you” in a VERY angry voice. As if to say you’re such a brat & an inconvenience to me right now you deserve to have the same treatment/punishment. It wasn’t until 5 yrs ago did I realize how horrible this was in my development & finding out what narcissistic behavior actually was opened my eyes to how damaging this was. I can’t thank Jerry enough for creating these videos. Every one of them is like he’s speaking directly to me & the comments I read through are tremendous and valuable as well. The comments give me a sense that I’m not alone & that I have a community of people who understand.
I heard that too … awful. My mom’s in her 80s now, and she’s still constantly saying how terrible all kids are (“except my own, of course”) Horrifying
Same thing happened to me when I was young. My mother told me it was a wonder anyone loved me. So sad to remember when she said that to me.
I was told that I would get back double- of what I dished out. Isn't that strange how the wish to punish gets carried into the future.
My mother uses the same sentiment about kids. "Wait till you have own children, you'll see how bad it is." Last year, I had a hysterectomy and that hasn't stopped her from throwing that line at me. I do realize it's an automatic reaction and projection on her part. It took going through my hysterectomy journey to truly acknowledge the immense impact that vile comment had on me over the years. Yes, I do firmly tell her, " Stop it. That's Cruel." And walk away. Then she would conveniently develope short term amnesia and would recount to my sister that I was being rude for no reason...out of the blue like what's wrong with me. My mother is always the victim. My mother told me one day that she could have married an Italian Baron's son but instead married my poor Vietnamese father.
My mother said that ALL the time, my entire childhood until I grew up. She told me and others that she couldn’t do enough for me but I cried all the time. She said she would put a bottle in my mouth as she couldn’t stop me crying all the time. She said I was such a horrible baby I’d take off my diaper and smear poop on the walls. And I’d crawl on the floor eating food my brother dropped. She loved saying over and over that as soon as she would mop the floor, I’d throw up all over. Much much later I learned that she was force feeding me the same food and the same amount as my brother who was a year older.
Needless to say I never had kids. My sister who has 5 and now 7 grandchildren said that it’s impossible for a baby to take off her own diaper. Now I see.
Edit: Sorry I am totally venting this has me so triggered..
Now spending time with other babies and kids, I realize my parents never read to me, never helped me with homework or even made sure it was done…my Dad sexualized me which made my mom angry and jealous and made me traumatized and unable to have normal relationships. My mom would even pimp me out but only to disgusting gross men. She would sit there as if I wasn’t in the room and say things like ‘isn’t she beautiful’. 🤮🤮
I swear my "mom" was only happy/ there for me if something was going sour in my life. She NEVER celebrated anything good in my life. Wedding, children's Bdays, holidays, my home purchases... she $hit on every good thing I've ever accomplished.
Yep. Typical narc.
You be happy for you.
You deserved so much better.😢 I would hug you.
@@karasmusic123 🥰 Thank you.
Ditto! I never tell her anything nice that’s happened now as she hates it - gets ridiculously jealous, and even says outright that I don’t deserve it and am always Soooooo lucky! I can’t even say I’ve seen a particular bird in my garden without I setting her off!
So no mum, I’m NOT lucky! Because if I was I’d have a mother who loved me, cared about me, allowed me to have my own opinions and feelings, and didn’t habitually side with my enemies - because I refused to become a clone of her! 🤬😭
@heatherbuckley7971 Sending hugs. It's sooooo crazy. I cut ties completely and, sadly, it's the healthiest thing I've ever done.
That really helps Jerry - the "if the system insists emphatically that you're bad - you are as intensely good." 🙂
This is so true! "You are as good, as they think you are bad." And "it's good to be hated." (Thanks, Jerry!) Their hatred for you signifies the intense jealousy they have for all the wonderful qualities that you have! The very qualities they lack! If you went through this, you are golden! Be the shining light that you are!
"You are as good as they think you are bad." - I really needed to hear that today. After my parents' deaths (mother narcissist, father under her spell), my sister and brother started to take over their respective roles and I'm still stuck as the one who is incompetent, untrustworthy, lazy, irresponsible. It hurts so much and I can't get away from them because I'm chronically ill and lack the physical strength to earn my own money.
Just a suggestion that may help you figure something out. Hospice in our area now takes care of people long term, not just at the end of life. There are volunteers that help hospice patients. ❤
@@Michelle_9_27 Thanks a lot for your suggestion. But I live in Germany and things are different here. Still, it feels good to know that you were thinking of me.
@@susannaalban4641your welcome ❤ I hope you can feel better soon & something works out for the better for your situation.
for most of my life i thought being abused is normal and part of life..
no wonder i always had a hard time relating to other people
my mom used to be so annoyed when i would get migraines. i was 5 years old when they started due to a head injury (accident - not abuse). i would have blinding headaches and be throwing up and she would roll her eyes 'oh God... annie has a headache again'. i got them a lot and at night i was not allowed to wake her up. i would wake my dad who worked 70hrs/wk and she didnt work at all. and i would still have to get myself up and ready - make my breakfast and pack my lunch for school since the first grade.
I used to have them 24/7. Drove me nuts. People treated me like sh*t for having them but the whole world had to stop when they had a little hangover headache, caused by their own actions. I hope you don't have them anymore. They are so debilitating. Magnesium, vitamin d, and b-vitamins help a bunch. It's amazing when you look back and wonder how you endured that.
@@dakoderii4221 oh my gosh.... i had them for 45 years until my visual midline shift from that and other concussions was diagnosed and i got help with that. thats when they stopped.
i'm glad you got help with yours.
My Mom had them because of my Narc Dad and was finally given Butalb. It was the only thing that would stop the migraine in it's tracks when she would get a zig zag lightning bolt in her vision.
@@justmemother2 How can someone give someone else headaches like that? did he own an headache gun?
I wish I could hug you. ❤
Very triggering video, I spent the first 27 years of my life believing all that gaslighting. Learning that simple things were not wrong was mindblowing to me.
"You are as good as they think you are bad". After learning I had a narcissistic mother I began to slowly realize that truth. How cruel is it to do this with someone, with your own children, so cruel...
Sorry to hear that, be strong🤎
Hey at least you realized at 27! Some people only figure it out in their 60s, or worse, never
I’d always say other families don’t argue 24/7 and belittle each other. & My Grandmother would get upset and snappy and say, “you don’t know what others are doing!”…. & indeed other families didn’t act like the family I grew up in. It’s always chaos n confusion with these types of ppl / family structures.
I’ll never forget one night my family was at a restaurant. I was maybe 11 years old at the time. I had ordered pork chops with mashed potatoes and requested extra mashed potatoes instead of a vegetable, because mashed potatoes are one of my all time favorite foods. The server had no problem with it. Our food came out and we all were happily enjoying our dinner. At some point, nearing the end of the meal, my parents both abruptly told me to stop eating. So I did. I dropped my fork and looked at them with a panicked expression. They quickly assured me it wasn’t serious. However, the reason they stopped me was because I was eating too much food and they said everyone in the restaurant was looking at me. Seeing my confusion, they “whisper yelled” at me the usual demeaning things they loved to say to me. I’m too much of an obese fatass to even eat half of what was on my plate. Of course, they carefully never used the words “fat” or “obese” or “fatass.” But that was the nature of the venom with which they spoke.
The first thing I said was, “I’m hungry.” And they immediately yelled at me, with some volume, telling me not to yell, because I’m making a scene.
That was another element of my childhood. I always spoke at the exact appropriate level of volume. However, people around me, nearly always my parents, would get upset and yell at me to stop yelling.
They followed up my pleas of hunger with brutal cold. They just said, “You’re spending the night at your aunt’s house, you’re gonna eat all kinds of ice cream and popcorn anyway.”
Ugh, no one should have to go through something like that, especially a child! I hope you are on the road to recovery 🫶
I have ao many small moments that keep popping up. I remember shoe shopping with my mother. It was for school. She gave me 2 options. There was an awesome pair and a horrifically ugly pair. They looked like old lady shoes.
So i picked the cool sneakers and she lost it and made me wear old lady shoes... all....year...long
" Your life? There is no " your life". Your life belongs to me. I gave birth to you, your life is mine!"
Spot on. I went from flashbacks of my dad thinking that I was going out on runs was nuts when I visited them back in 1991. To thinking of my first purchase after basic and ait back in 1986. An expensive sweater with a design of the world. First I was crazy spending the money I had spent on it. And the design was “stupid”. Kinda like I was crazy to want to learn German in high school. Not knowing I would live in Germany within years of graduating high school. One of my favorite things to say to my parents was remember when you said German was a dead language. Idk. Well, you did put a chill in my spine today. And had a nice day of reflection. Because all those things I said were true. And I was crazy for doing them. There are more things. Like telling them I enjoyed running with prairie dogs at a park in Lawton ok. And I was told the dogs would attack me. Lmfao. Or the time I fell asleep at the wildlife refuge and I woke up with 3 buffalo standing near me. Oh you could have been trampled they said. I said I believe God sent them there to take care of me from bad people. No, for them to be so negative that means I’m freaking awesome.
YES!! 👍
When someone attempts to assassinate my character I now see it as projection- that person seeks to undermine my credibility using their own character flaws aimed at me. That behavior says more about the person projecting than the person whom is being criticized. Once I no longer need someone to validate me or my experiences, nor anyones approval- game over for the dysfunctional paradigm. I distanced myself emotionally- I can no longer be manipulated by unscrupulous or spiritually bankrupt people. Freedom! Well worth the effort and self reflection involved. Thank you Jerry, excellent vlog today.
This explains why my anxiety is so crippling and I self sabotage
My father would cuss me out, insult me or degrade me. I would tell him to stop or cry when I was a kid. He told me I was hypersensitive, or made him say/do whatever. It was always my fault. I told him for decades to stop, or I would try to talk it out with him like I was the parent and he was the child. This infuriated him. Today he has no idea why I refuse to speak to him, after those decades of attempts.
He knows
I wonder if Narc mothers end up having sons that have bad relationships with women? I did for a long time and my brother still does
Yes
You marry a parent or you become a parent.
Me at 9: I can have my own feelings. I don't have to feel what you want me to feel all the time.
My mother: No. I made you, you are mine and you are going to feel what I tell you to feel.
Your analogy wasn’t poor, it actually really clicked when you put it like that.
I do what I want.
Does anyone else with a Narc family develop the habit of playing stupid just to get along because family members would become enraged if they felt you were wiser than them?
#1 my father will plan events with little notice and then expect me and my family to show up. Between work, my wife, my kids, and volunteering at American Legion, VFW, and my college alumin association, plus my own friends I'm a busy and require more than a couple of days notice. Typically when I plan an event I give a months notice.
That doesn’t make him a narcissist. Everyone has flaws, annoying or even unpleasant traits but narcissism is a whole other ball game. That’s why it’s called a Personality Disorder.
"If you would do it my way there wouldn't be any issue"
You can’t have your own thoughts and opinions unless they align with what they believe and want. Don’t reflect on a situation very true.
Oh, this explains why I am the "weird" one in the family for the simple, decent choices I make. Used to be so ashamed of it, when instead I should have been proud of myself.
@antinous3300 My toxic sisters treat me the way our narcissistic mother did, and wonder why I avoid them.
My widowed Narc mother and her sisters rather made us look abusers to the community,me being half the weight of my age was denounce as being choosy while the fact was that she won't give me plain bread saying she has no money and would take me to physicians charging big money to convince people I am sick and she is really looking after me
So crazy...
In our family, perhaps its roots were pathological envy, projection of guilt and shame for the narcissist parent's failure to "measure up". Working to please the narcissist parent reliably resulted in marginalizing, misconstruing, maligning by her and her flying monkeys.
My own first-born child suffered a traumatic birth, and for many years my wife and I were cautioned that we could lose him at any moment, or that his disabilities could worsen. So, we never took a moment with our son for granted. Through sharing rehabilitation tasks with my mother, it dawned on me how awful Mom was to her own children. At times she was diabolically oppositional to instructions that we were required to follow, by law and contract, and when I'd try to correct her she'd fly off in a rage screaming, "You don't give a damn what I think!" And Dad often acted as her echo chamber, perhaps fearing retribution for not towing the line.
Eventually I confronted Dad about their behavior with, "You deserved to have a disabled child, but the child wouldn't deserve to have you as parents." He acknowledged it. How sad.
Things that I was told made me a horrible and disrespectful daughter who was extremely selfish and was the reasons I was abused. (short list)
1. Growing up (all stages)
2.Having my own interest in opinions
3. Expressing myself, not allowed to have my personal style.
4.Being interested in the opposite sex and wanting to date
5. Wanting to spend the money I earned at my job on me instead of my narc mother.
6. Wanting to go to college. I didn't go because she wouldn't pay
8. Needing braces at 15. I paid for my own braces at 20 and I did go doctors but once in a while, all my health issues were dismissed
9. Wanting a relationship with my narc mother and to feel like her daughter and not her slave and punching bag
10. Wanting to spend time with my narc mother
11. Having a bad day. I was never allowed to have one.
12. Saying no. No such thing in my mother's house.
13. Want to be mothered and not being the one to have to mother my mother.
14. I'm not allowed to be angry about the way she treated me and feeling robbed because I never really had a mother, just someone who gave birth to me.
15. Requiring parenting like help with homework, paying for food, school trips, clothes etc
Thank you for this.
On 🎯.
Thank you, Mr Wise
That's exactly what I was thinking. I hated myself cause my mom hated me. All the subtle differences are too subtle for me for now, but I getting hang of it.
Thank you
You are very welcome!
Jerry I remember very well when i was like 7-8, hitting myself in front of the mirror the same way my mom used to hit me... And thinking: "Im bad i deserve to be punished!" 😢. Later on, i dont know how, that thinking became into "I dont need to protect myself because there is nothing left..."
Omg
Anything good for their child is wrong in their eyes.
Hitler analogy makes perfect sense (look at Hitler and what he did). Hitler was psychotic (my grandparents and older aunts/uncles survived his occupation of the Netherlands during the Second World War). I think having come from a family with that level of trauma messed my parents and extended families up to the extent that it did. The problem is that they never dealt with that trauma, didn't seem to see any need to. I started to change that. And my narc mother labelled me as "the black sheep". My narc father passed away around the December/January holiday season and my mother's narcissistic rage reached an all new level. I will never forget the last time I ever say my father alive. My brother-in-law called me at work, left me a message that I HAD TO leave work because "your father is 'actively dying' and they don't expect him to make it through the night" (first lie, right there). I returned the call on my dinner break, told my immediate supervisor that I HAD TO leave. So I arrived at the hospital 45 minutes after leaving work, only to arrive to experience the cold shoulder from my mother. I stayed the whole night, didn't get much sleep, but, she wouldn't even LOOK AT me, let alone hug me or thank me for coming. Oh, no. It was all about HER. I left early the next morning, saying that I had to deal with a situation at work, my mother still wouldn't acknowledge that I dropped everything for her and her husband (her husband stopped being "my father" a long time ago, because he was so toxic and abusive). She called me two days later and yelled at me for "not hugging" her or her husband. He eventually passed in early January, but I still didn't rate any word about it until AFTER the funeral. My "sister" texted me the afternoon after the funeral and laid into me because SHE dropped the ball as "family spokesperson" and neglected to call me. I couldn't make the funeral anyway, because I had a class the same time as the funeral and I couldn't get out of it. No matter what they did to kill the "relationship" with me, everything was always my fault with my parents and siblings. I could do no right, they could do no wrong. So I had to cut ties with them.
When I was 10 my empathetic father stood up for himself ( which was rarely)against my full blown aggressive covert narc mother which put her into a narc rage she grabbed a butcher knife and chased him into my bedroom he slammed the door and told me to help keep the door barricaded against her. She destroyed the door with knife stabs . After she was done we ran out of the house went for a walk , turned around and there she was trying to run us over with her car only a deep ditch saved us from being hit . The next day she wished me a good day at school like nothing happened. I was traumatized! She got her fix ! Egg shells understatement!
Yesterday my mother sent me one of many hurtful and hateful messages, I cried all day. She moved, she was living with me and moved 45 minutes away. When she left, she left the washer and dryer, but she still owed money on it. But, said she’d leave it for me. She said she was going to have them come pick it up unless I wanted to pay for it. And that I’m not doing enough, I should be down there once a week cooking and prepping meals for her and that I could do more. My son and I go every other Sunday and he goes to get the groceries and I clean, change her bed linen’s. I am on disability right now and having back surgery soon and have to have my other knee replaced. She said you talk a good ballgame ect ect. Then she texted me begging for forgiveness that she had a bad day and I had done the same thing before, and that she was sorry that she had taken it out on me. My brother and sister in law hate me, I’m not welcome at Christmas or and holidays. I’m tired of being the punching bag, I can’t do this anyone and the guilt and shame of being the loser is taking a big toll.
Sounds like a good case for no contact. Let the brother & sister in law take care of her. I went final no contact last year at 54 years old. You CAN do this! 💪💜✨
I agree, ask yourself how much longer are you going to accept their abuse, because that is exactly what it is.
You deserve better, Respect and love.
Save YOU! PROTECT you! It’s NOT “disrespectful” to DISTANCE yourself from HARM, NO matter who the perpetrators ARE! (Parents and family members INCLUDED)! Q: Won’t your brother and sister in law HAVE to care for your Mom when YOU have back surgery?! 🤔 Let them START learning the ropes NOW! Your story could easily be mine! I took care of my Mother through 4 back surgeries, while working a full time job in law enforcement. We bought a house together before she got sick. One day after coming home from a 12 hour shift… SHE at the prompting of my 3 siblings - moved EVERYTHING out of the house without a word! I just sat in the empty living room and cried like a baby! It was THEN that I remembered HOW MUCH my own mother and siblings HATED me! But, you would have thought I would have figured it out, when I advised her, that my older brother had MOLESTED me for YEARS as a child! #BlackSheep #Scapegoat #ChosenOne ✨👑✨ I send you LOVE and unlimited HEALING! ❤️🩹🙏🏽
My mom is a narcissist. Always mad. Always taking things out on me. Always throwing the past in my face, even if I apologized. Always manipulating me and not ever letting me do my own thing.
She called me on mother's day all hysterical because I haven't talked to her in like 5 years saying "I can't talk to my son!" and immediately repeated her same toxic behavior, so I got off the phone and told her I'll never talk to her again till she changes and then I blocked her.
I can't handle this crap anymore.
My mother "accused" me of being a lesbian when I was 10 because I had a best friend. I had to look the word up.
I know now that she was trying to make sure I was her mini me. It had the opposite effect. I distanced myself from her as quickly as possible.
Yeap, I can relate, both my parents calling me butch and unfenimine from 13 years old on. Not wanting me to wear makeup or date, if showed interest in guys, I was called a slut and given the 3rd degree. They ran off guys and then made fun of me for not having a boyfriend. The worst was being called an ugly butch lesbian, meaning no man would ever be attracted to me, I could only be picked by women, and thus inferior...Irony was I wasnt a lesbian, I just didnt fit their image of what a woman should be. Being your only a woman once you're a wife and mother, and only that is like acid. Especially when youre divorced and no kids. Your happiness and wellbeing doesnt matter just theirs. Its hard to move past that and let it go. I fogave them but it still hurts. I dont know why some parents feel the need to be so cruel.
@DawnClephane - isn't it amazing how hateful your own parents can be? One thing I figured out was I get to define who I am ... I'm not my height, weight, gender, orientation.... I'm a lover of books and music, a good friend, a loving mom... and so much more.
You had to look up the word. Boy are those types of parents toxic! You deserved a normal childhood❤
@LoreeBrown-fd2us - I realize there are no "perfect"parents. I'm not one myself. But I tried to raise a decent person (child) and still be her "safe" place. It was tough but she's turned out pretty darn good (imho).
@@LoreeBrown-fd2us Yep, everybody deserves a normal childhood, but we all don't get it through no fault of our own.
I was always wrong no matter what I did. I couldn't do anything right. I told my mom I wanted to be a writer. She jumped on me and told me I couldn't be a writer, I didn't have enough imagination, all writers have psychological problems. The way she jumped on me & chewed me out, you would have thought I'd told her I wanted to be a prostitute or a professional bank robber or a murder for hire. But all my teachers saw my talent and wanted me to participate in the district writing competition, but I couldn't because of her.
I went to the Bible study at school on Wednesdays at lunch, girls only, and my mom found out, she had a horrific fit and made me stop going. You would have thought I was going to a drug party or a murder party.
I wanted to be in certain extra-curricular activities. My mom & dad both gave me such a hard time and made me feel guilty for trying to be a normal teen school student.
I made straight A's, but my mom & older narcissist sister told me I couldn't do anything and would never be able to do anything.
After high school, I tried to work grunge jobs so I could put myself through college. My mom & dad wouldn't let me work grunge jobs, they wanted me to start off at the top. The abuse & rage they threw on me, the yelling & insulting, because I had gotten a job at a restaurant. They wouldn't let me go in for the first shift, I had to forfeit all the grunge jobs. The way they abused me because I had gotten a restaurant job, it made me think it was a sin to work at a grunge job, and that my job defined me, and I was a horrible low-life for trying to work at a restaurant after high school.
Yes, they had me brainwashed. I thought it was a sin to work a grunge job, a sin to be a writer. And I was confused about the Bible study: I would have thought it was a sin to go to the Bible study, but the Bible study was an oxymoron for sinning, plus all those pretty, lovely girls were going.
I could give so many more examples. Yes, everything I did was wrong, no matter how normal it was. Even if I was nice to someone, I was accused of having an @ff@ir with them. And even when I had my babies, my mom tried to tell me what to name them. Let me make my own decisions! Let me be a person!
My dad didn’t stand up to my mom on my behalf - or his either for the most part. But he would joke sometimes in a way that felt like some degree of support. Such as when my husband and I renovated our first house. We bought new carpet and chairs in a different colour
Scheme from my parentz and he quipped “oh, oh, look out.”
I am as good as they think I am bad! That's the most profound statement about this I've heard! I am " offending" them with my goodness and it's casting a light on their badness. Wow.
My narcissistic father now has alzheimers/dementia. This doesn't get better
Thats when its the most painful, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Keep your head up and stay centered.
My mother at 95 in dementia care home. Just getting as mean as a junk yard dog! Some days it makes you believe in karma.
Agreed. When my narcissist mother got dementia she got 10 times worse. Came after me with knives. She's dead now and my life is much more peaceful. Many people didn't believe me which hurt.
I was never allowed to go out and meet, marry, have a family, because my Mom needed me free to rescue her from my Narc Dad whenever. I could not get her away from him, nor could I get away from her. He watched her die without lifting a finger and blamed me because I was not there at that moment..now I caregive for him, but will be free from the whole mess one day soon. Not happy he is on his way out, just happy to finally having my own life after 61 years of this.
This video is particularly good. The wording is very insightful in untwisting the perverse mindset of the narcissist. Thank you for your work!
Thanks for watching! 🙂
@@jerrywise thank you Jerry watching your videos has kept me grounded when I’m dealing with the abuse. I’m actually for the first time realizing that I really like myself and what I stand for .
#3 always some shaming language about my choice of career. Also tons of infantilism, I'm a 46-year old man but my parents loves to talk about what I did as an adolescent.
I'm still watching the video. However, I had to stop because of a memory that still haunts me. In, 2009; I had a home invasion. A man broke into my home. It was just me and my 10 year old son there. He sexually assaulted me and tried to kidnap me. After, the police got to my home; I was sitting on my porch with my step-father and my Mom. I was in tears, shaking like a leaf and my Mom tells me to basically shut up. It was like I embarrassed her by my behavior.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, what a b. I woulve exploded! At a time when you needed her love, concern and compassion. A embrace...I just dont get some people, but I know what it feels like, its a betrayl, a sucker punch to the gut. That pain never leaves. Be well.
i've had to deal with many of these types of abuse
My mother told me I was a bad daughter when I tried to dicuss my childhood abuse with her when I was an adult. And ran away from me as if she were the one abused. Are you kidding?
They treated clerks, servers, public servants, etc. like dirt beneath their feet. Forget tipping. Very embarrassing.
I was never allowed to cry, but my Mother could cry at her drop of a hat and we should all run to her.
On an on. Sorry
They'd say, sometimes with a grin, if we PROVED ourselves innocent, "I didn't say you DID it. I said we're BLAMING you.". And proceed with the punishment.
My own life, my own boundaries.
My mom pitched a FIT and physically blocked me into a room, all because i refused to lie to MY son's teacher. Not being okay lying, was made out to be difficult. Thats when i knew, she is somewhat self aware. She intentionally created pain for her children. Sometimes, the only reason or benefit that could possibly come out of it is entertainment for herself, drama to get excited about. Sick.
That sense of self righteousness, that feigned moral outrage, is SO convincing. It takes a while to learn that we can allow them to be outraged and still NOT accept that we are morally wrong or bad somehow.
My mother hid it from me that my dad was going through cancer treatments. I would have wanted to be there for him, it hurt me to find out after the fact. My therapist at the time challenged "why I felt entitled to my parent's medical records;" I was floored. I remember trying to explain to that therapist that I would have wanted to be there for him, because that must have been very difficult alone, and that he didn't have to go through it that way.
My own empathy was made into something wrong with me. I felt bad that I wasn't there for my dad, and then I felt selfish for wanting to have known within a meaningful timeframe, or for wanting to be able to support him. My mother didn't want him to have that support, though, and it wouldn't have occurred to her that was something I would have wanted to do. The belief was that I was being "protected." I was in my 20s, not five.
Very True, Jerry. Direct Quotes from my NP's: "you drove me to it" "you've got a mind of your own" (and that's a bad thing, plus other children who had agency were labeled "precocious") "but if I give you the silent treatment, you deserve it" Infantilizing: "You're a good "little" Mum" as though you are carting a doll around like a little girl.