Narcissistic Parents: Why They Cast You As The Problem of The Family
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- Опубликовано: 11 июн 2024
- In this video, I discuss why you were always cast as the scapegoat and the problem of the family.
Learning about this will help you finally resist and overcome this damaging and painful role, allowing you to be who you really are, no matter how much others attempt to scapegoat and unjustly blame you.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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I take back my power.
The key word in the video was benefit!
Thats why you see them with people that did worst than you, but you are the scapegoat.
I’d love to, but they’ve financially destabilized me and I’m just fighting to survive. What then? It’s a lonely world.
When you don’t care about what they think, you gain absolute freedom. It’s a great feeling😊
YES!! It's such an uncomfortable feeling at first, 'freedom", I mean. Then, once I was done kicking myself for being so blind for sooooo long, I discovered it's the BEST feeling in the world to sincerely not care what, the people I once jumped through hoops for, think of me! 🥳🥳
None of my family will even talk to me now that they know that I know
Wonderful! You "win," you gain peace of mind. Way to go!
And alienation unfortunately.
Exactly. Once you no longer need their validation you are FREE 🌻
Its so painful when they turn the entire extended family against u. Cousins, uncles and aunties believing the gossip and lies they tell about u.
It's horribly painful, and I'm sorry it happened to you ♥♥♥
Yes, beyond painful. And how could family even believe the lies? For me, I've been recording & saving things for years, as self protection. Fascinating how my 94 yo NPD mother backed off when I told her that. Doesn’t take the pain away but it helps. I'm sorry we both know this rejection and the ensuing lies, we don't deserve any of it. You know Jesus, and He loves you and calls you His Own. He is the best gift, and His Love keeps us going, will never fail us.
I’ve gone through this, I finally came to the realization I no longer have an extended family and I’m at peace with that.
When relatives are so dumb that they'll believe bad things about you without checking the actual facts first, then you don't need 'm!
That's what mine did to me. I have blocked them and they don't exist for me.
My parents never changed. They don't change. I didnt know how to handle them. I actually didnt find out how bad my mother was for YEARS. She was a covert. Terrible.
Same here!
Time to go no contact
Forgive and move on. No one's changing anyone but, yourself. Work on you.
You don't even have to forgive them. Forgive yourself for allowing them to terrorize you. It also doesn't mean holding on to bitterness towards them. Just view them as dead to you, and dead inside. And live your life 100% without them.@@annwethenorth
You're in the right place. Jerry saved my life - and the comment section helped!
Something i have started telling myself when dealing with narcissistic individuals like my mother is" You can't reason with the unreasonable."
You can't reason with a donkey. ruclips.net/video/P4dQxwvyyxE/видео.htmlsi=rTBqVsze8JtdM53V
Love it!
I often say that. Also love Zacian.
@@dean8705 Zacian is my favorite Pokémon ever, so far anyway. I'm glad to here from a fellow Pokémon fan.
@@AthenaVelecta nice. I love the fairy types in Sword - Slurpuff etc. Likewise never expect to see on a NPD awareness video lol
Interesting situation here: I have been the scapegoat for years and now, after all the "good people" have died, I have been offered the position of the "Golden child". Know what? No, thanks 😂
It is better to be the scapegoat: you will have a valid "excuse" for going no contact.
@whitesamurai Definitely! I was shocked how easily the roles are supposed to change. I have always just been a character in their play and am expected to incorporate another character now. It's totally humiliating
@@carmenpentek-meyyappan6138 My family unit was pretty small, really just 2 Narc parents and 2 children as their captives. Us kids were expected to play multiple roles at a time, and it felt like the roles could shift within literal seconds.
The one thing I haven't managed to figure out yet is the Golden Child: it feels like the only people in the family system who could do no wrong were my parents and their 'chosen ones' who were never other family members.
@@carmenpentek-meyyappan6138 Until I moved out my life was like one big game of playacting, one where the cameras were rolling 24/7. More and more having to deal with narcissists feels like being forced to participate in someone else's fetish, a concept I find disgusting.
68 and always the problem child with Narc mother 90 and sister 65, trying to learn and chose what is best for my mental health😢
If they see the potential in you to have a better life than they had, they will try to sabotage you in every possible way even after you leave the home.
That's a fact!
Omg, so true!! You must know my very toxic + abusive parents 👀
@msdemeanour Narcissists seem to have some sort of playbook they share with one another. They are like an awful person, Hive Mind.
But if you succeed, they will give credit to that to themselves. I haven’t been speaking to my parents for 10 years but they brag around about my career and how they made it possible for me by their own sacrifice.
@@kristinab881 They are all about glory for themselves no matter what.
My mother straight up told me to my face that I had accomplished nothing in my life because I was a stay at home mom.
My husband's Narc mother had a fit because he retired as a 30 yr. Chief Master Seargant. When he was deployed to war zones his entire career I never heard a word from her. When he retired which is MANDITORY at 30 yrs. She harassed and belittled him over it. She kept pretending she couldn't understand the concept. She was angry she couldn't brag to some cashier about her son in a war zone. There is something profoundly wrong with these people.
It’s very challenging to not be angry.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*123ed5u*_gcl_au*NzIzNjI2MjA3LjE3MTc2MjkwODQ.*_ga*NzIwMTI1NTQzLjE3MTc2MjkwODQ.*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxODA2NDM4OC41LjEuMTcxODA2NTQ5NC42MC4wLjA.
You can be angry. Your emotions are valid.
The biggest change for me- I no longer allow others to define me. I no longer need others approval nor validation. Trying to change others is definitely a losing proposition, but changing ourselves is definitely something we can accomplish. I found freedom from these insane dynamics by focusing on my own spiritual beliefs and needs. Blaming, shaming, name calling and bullying others are manipulative and disgusting tactics to control people in to submission. Especially when it comes to politics.. and from politicians/bureaucrats and their minions. Take care and stay safe everyone. Thank you Jerry, very good and useful information to help people make sense of crazy dynamics.
I hate narcissists.
Me too
I just want to say, you're amazing. Thank you so much for this info. I haven't heard an explanation for these behaviors quite like you have. You are making a real difference.
Glad it was helpful! Have you signed up for my free training? If not you can do so here
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/build-the-self-you-were-never-allowed-to-have-10027
I've had relatives come up to me now as an adult, to tell me that they could see how differently I was treated aside from my siblings all throughout my childhood.
And they did nothing?
@@StillAwakeAwareDiscerning I believe they did say things to her. She would get extremely upset and yell back at them to get their own kids under control and not to tell her what to do! I got much better once I moved out. I'm learning more and becoming much more discerning about this. She knows. My relatives can see too, that I'm not buying into her trash anymore, either. At the end of the day, the narcissist never wins.
@@RedRubyStones I am so very glad to hear that! I am glad you are doing better. Getting away is so important. I am also glad to hear that your relatives did do something. There is a saying that exactly applies to narcissists, "All evil needs is for good men to do nothing".
💯💯💯
So basically it's an unintended compliment to be chosen as the scapegoat!
The best compliment to receive from a narcissist is rejection because it means they know they can't control you so they discard you. Being discarded and devalued by a narcissist is actually the most flattering thing they could do because it means they are ENVIOUS of something about you (something you would find absurd for them to envy you for!) know they're losing power over you and have to find new supply soon.
It's the lovebombing we should be entirely offended and insulted by. Because that's when they are laying it on so thick they think they're pulling one over on us.
Every time a narcissist does something nice for you, accepts you into their group, acknowledges your existence, rewards you, shows you affection, etc, that's when you should be outraged by their trap they are setting up.
Devalued and discarded, blamed, shamed, rejected, yelled at, called every nasty name in that book of theirs, lectured about your complete "incompetence", those are the times they feel the MOST intimidated and scared of you!!!!!!!! And you should feel the most flattered!!!!
I recall when my mother realized I was being molested with as a child she punished me for it severely but never took me to the Dr. then I recall as a young teenager when I had a bad experience at prom and told her about my date took advantage she was all about taking me to the Dr. to check me all over and then declared now that you been with someone I would want to do it all the time she turned it around as if she was the hero admonishing me to the Dr. on how I made the biggest mistake with my life and on how disappointed she was with me. Really messed with my sense of being.
That's not a Mom, it's a psychotic egg-donor.
What a horror. I'm sorry you had that.
I'm so sorry. They are truly sick evil people. I have a daughter that I love so much, how these people wish harm on their own child is truly Demonic. They go out of their way to put their children, (at least the scapegoat children) in harms way. If they see kindness or potential in a child they must try to crush it. When you try to explain this to other people, I think they are unable to wrap their head around it. I hope you are able to find the healing that you need. You have my prayers 🙏 and my deepest sympathy. 😢🙏
She sees you as a threat and is jealous. Be yourself and she can f off!
I am so sorry that happened to you!
And if you are married and have no siblings, the narc parent will deflect blame onto your spouse.
I have siblings and my mom blames my husband 😂
Sometimes, the N will just blame whoever is handy!
That would be me. Although, he has brothers who are "innocent". Personally I don't give AF, was onto the Narc years ago, buh bye N.
@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386 I'm sorry you can relate, but happy to hear that you've been awake to the reality for years - I had my eyes opened just in the past year, quite late in life. I believe, though, once open, your eyes can never quite close to the narcissists game, ever again! It's terrible that it happened, but magnificent to be free. Finally. ☮ Wishing you the best!
I'm married with no siblings and she turned my now adult kids against me but she had been grooming them for years and I was blind because she's my mother and I thought I can trust her I'm now 10mo no contact
Sometimes he'd say, "I didn't say you did it. I said we're blaming you." Usually punishment followed, often they amused themselves so much they got less mad. Nasty people.
OMG,they actually admitted it!
Sick people.
Narcissistic co-workers often exhibit these behaviors for the same reasons.
Neither will change. Gotta go. Save myself.
This was super helpful to hear today. I've cut my family out of my life. I still feel guilt, but I know for my sanity I have to remove these toxic people. Mother, Father and Brother, GOD is all the family I need!
First I was the golden child ! The successful kid that dad seemed proud of. But that went to scapegoat pretty fast after HS when I distanced myself from all of that toxic house, going out of state to college and staying away a lot. Because I rejected them, they had to scapegoat me as the problem to hide their own evil crap! It really stinks to get that done to you! Can’t say it wasn’t painful all my life 😩😢
I'm only a problem until context is added, then I'm "guilt tripping" 😂
Is it a wonder i left?
😅 no scapegoat ever has any question as to their 'role' in the toxic family system. they know it from day 1.
They had to pick someone ....
No. They didn't.
Boy, this one hit home, Jerry!
As a senior citizen myself, my even older father is STILL so worried I'll do something to embarrass him in front of people - usually our extended family - especially the ones we aren't close to because they live far away - some we've never even met in person. All my life, prior to seeing/calling/writing/FB messaging/etc. them, it's always, "Listen, don't talk about XYZ, they are very ________ and I can't have you embarrassing me to death in front of my family by them thinking you're weird." That used to really get to me bc my whole life I've been groomed (by HIM!) NOT to be "weird" and then I'd beg him to understand me, get upset and -- (you know the rest). I'm a little weird, but extraordinarily normal (happy marriage of 30+ years, raised great kids, owned/operated a business for 40 years - NOT 'weird'! 😂) Now, I just laugh and say, "Well, I hope they're tough, bc I'm WEIRD" 😂And I REALLY can laugh about it now!
Thank you, Jerry. My immediate family/friends are astounded at my change (me too)- my adult daughter asked me last night HOW I was able to just let go of all the years of upset, worry and tears and make such a profound change in my life. I said the first thing was IDENTIFYING the problem and admitting it to myself and a select few (I stopped hiding, dismissing and covering for my dad's behavior), and I gave a lot of the credit to finding you - I share your videos with others dealing with all manner of NA and am so grateful for your insights.♥
That is me. Empath and HSP. I'm 65 and just recently walked away in April. Alcoholism also an issue in my family system. I don't drink.
How about a family system where they don't say anything. That silence is how they communicate. So they silently don't invite you. They silently don't acknowledge you. They silently pretend that you don't exist until they want something from you or your resources. Somehow, I think figuring this out from all this silence was harder.
They hate the one who speak out about them
I was the scapegoat from as early as i could remember. My Dad married my stepmom when I was three and she treated me like trash. My mother also blamed me for everything that went wrong it was God awful. It has even pushed over to my extended family. Even as an adult I'm not as readily accepted at family Reunions there is always someone who comments about how "different" I am. There's always an Aunt or Uncle who will make some backhanded compliment or feel like they can chastise me.
My step mom treated me like trash too. And excluded me from family gatherings
Next time such a comment is made here is a comeback- “Your point is?” in a calm neutral voice made with deliberate eye contact. No aggressive demeanor, just calmly ask. If a nonsense response comes back- ask same question again. Soon enough that person will likely give up and have no ammunition.
@@flyingeaglewoman8682 I don't even bother to interact with most of them anymore. My entire extended family lives out of my state, Florida, and when they do come for vacation they never notify or reach out to me. I also don't get invited to Family Reunions or Events, unless it's my father that organized it. I just need to grieve for the loving and supportive family I deserved but never existed.
@@eq2092 I’m glad you recognize what you need.. even though it’s painful. Indeed you do deserve better and I hope you find peace. Which can be very challenging, especially when so much bovine excrement is floating about… take care and stay safe in Florida. As a side note and mostly unrelated-Sheriff Grady Judd in Polk County, FL rocks!
@@flyingeaglewoman8682 what you know about Polk County? HAHAHA 😂🤣
God Bless You Mr Jerry Wise, you’re keeping us sane over here.
Ty ,
But No , I don’t think so in my case …
It was more the fact that it was an unwanted pregnancy , topped by the fact that I was a girl 🥺
Mentally, physically , verbally & emotionally , from the age of 2 😓
Easier said than done when moulding & control starts so young & for many decades , there was no escape 💔
Exact same situation with me.
@@jrg4313 I’m truely so sorry, as I can totally relate , for me it was a horrid nightmare I couldn’t believe I was actually living in & couldn’t tell any or get help 🥵
It’s still all so fresh , the scars & trauma are there for life in my case 😰
Hope you have had better luck & some peace now 🥺
Healing prayers 🙏
It happened to me also and I refuse to explain myself to anyone. If a person can believe someone so easily than to consider my track record. They don't deserve to be in my life anyway! Period!!;
"If they never changed, what would you need to do?" " If I didn't care what they thought, what would I do?" Very powerful questions. It reminds me of what my therapist told me early on in my healing: "If you hinge your healing on other people's behaviors, you'll be waiting forever to heal." It made me confront the question: What does healing look like if they never, ever change? I've had to learn to grieve the loss and re-build my Self from the ground up.
I know a lot about the scapegoat role, but you just elucidated something I hadn't realized before. My sister's behavior towards me suddenly changed when she was having a career crisis, then she conducted a smear campaign against me in the family. I've presumed this is projection, because she was feeling bad about herself and couldn't deal with it, so she lashed out at me. And then she got to complain, then receive support and reassurance from the rest of the family -- just like my mom badmouthed my dad to sis and I, when we were kids.
I hadn't thought of the nuance that by making me look like a *bad person* to herself and the rest of the family, that she could feel like a *good person* by comparison, despite her career taking a dive. (Because of course in our family, we were only loved for what we DO, not who we are.)
My narc parents made my autism worse on purpose to make themselves look better. They knew that I got very angry when my boundaries were disrespected. They knew I would get burned out from excessive masking, which is trying to pass as neurotypical for social safety. They knew that I’d look horrible and they’d look saintly if they could get me to be reactive at the right times or in front of the right people. And then they’d demand either a groveling apology or some unpayable penance for things that were their fault in the first place.
Being without them is still awful and incomprehensible at times. But my emotional regulation, care and concern for other relationships, self-worth and drive to improve my life have all skyrocketed. The suicidality in particular, disappeared almost immediately.
Can’t wait to celebrate my first anniversary!
P.s. beautiful shirt 😊
Thank you! 😁
They couldnt blame the only boy or the youngest girl so I had no use for them..
Same here, I'm the oldest girl and only step child
Amen, that's my narcissistic mother. And getting worse with age.
I would have stopped listening to my family/siblings when we went into foster care 21 years ago. Always being the one blamed for putting us 5 kids in foster care because I called the cops on my mom for hitting me with the hookup side on a dog leash and if I would have fought back we wouldn’t be in there. Than the decade of alcoholism because if I’m being told by my narcissistic siblings that I’m a pos and everyone already thinks I’m a drunk, fuck it why not just be what they believe i am. Dark fucking places until 3 years ago when I started learning about scapegoating and narcissistic abuse.
You were told you were a bad object and then you internalised it and started acting like it… that’s really sad 😞 I hope you find wellness you deserve better
This past year I’ve been as much no contact as I can do while still living in the city as them . I’m just working on my mental health and taking small steps.
You need to stop the foul language as they restrict you on RUclips for it! It’s unacceptable. Work on your image as well to get others to see you in a better light! It’s important not to trash yourself when you are learning and recovering.
i think the biggest problem is to start to believe your own inner voice
My father patiently taught me how to read when I was barely four years old. By the time I was seven something changed. He would never have the time to teach me anything and when he did give it a half assed effort he would get frustrated when I did not immediately master it upon my first try after only hearing him rattle off a very long series of instructions on what I was supposed to do. Or after he would show me, once. Like playing catch. If I didn't catch the ball on the first try he would declare me incapable of learning and give up. Or he would decide that there was some reason why I couldn't do something with a regular piece of equipment like everyone else. The reason why I wasn't an Olympic level tennis player by the end of my first tennis lesson was because I needed a shorter tennis racket. The same thing happened again when I was 13 and after my third lacrosse practice ever in my life, I apparently needed a shorter lacrosse stick.
It was like that a lot.
I never realized it was a meme, but I literally never brought my father the right tool when he would yell up from under the car, "go get me a three quarter inch socket and a pair of locking vice grips, and them to into the pantry and get a container for the used oil, and make sure to get some rags. And hurry, the oil is already starting to drain!". - - when I was six. Even if I got half of that shit right I would have been impressed as a father, not berating.
It’s like they can’t remember being a child. Can’t empathize with the child’s mind.
I remember my dad specifically telling me I was weak because I was too nice. I didn’t even absorb it until now. Both my parents are narcissist & I use to defend him all the time.
I've "cut the wifi" recently, and this really set me free!! It feels SO GOOD to truly step into authenticity ❤💃🥂💯
This also extends to siblings and other family members. I've had to reframe my entire way of looking at those in my family of origin for my own sanity. Remove the 'wi-fi' and see clearly how you are treated, how you feel and what is said to you about you by your family. I always look forward to your videos Jerry, they keep me on my toes!
So, basically, as usual, the bullies are just looking for "low hanging fruit." Maybe we should stop drawing distinctions between narcissists and bullies. In the end, it sounds like they're all the same thing, at least where it counts.
I totally agree, narcisists are bullies-jealous,envious bullies. They see something good in the one scapegoated that shows them personally up, as a nonempath,unkind,not so smart,not so pretty,not so nice,not so admired, and it is a thorn in their side.
It can be as simple as someone said you were the pretty, handsome,smart, have a nice personality, a good worker, never in debt, are good with children,good with animals,always on time, something admirable that they wish they were known for.
You will be diminished by them somehow. Not invited,not included,spitefully slandered, your accomplishments ignored,minimised and kept quiet. Only spoken about in the negative. The narc only likes people around them that prop them up. Anyone that may outshine them will be removed,made to look inferior.
Just as there is a ladder to the top of the corporate world, where others are to be stepped on, on the way to the top of the pile, it is the same in the toxic, dysfunctional family.
They envy you, the Blacksheep,Scapegoat in some way, and are trying to dim your light bc it shines too bright for them.
Wow. Great observation. I think there is good truth there unfortunately.
They made my sister the scapegoat. She then spent the rest of her life trying to prove herself ( though a bit hatedul) and even trying to turn it on me. Somehow she acted like she believed that I kept them from lovng her... Truth being that they loved nobody. She's still being blamed even after death. Blaming continues even after other family deaths. Now the Covert Parent has been revealed...Surprise!
Can you send this video 50 years back? Would save a lot of hassle.
As to questions 3 & 4, I'm trying to minimize contact, but elderly covert narc mom is so used to daily texting & weekly visits that she would tell/exaggerate to family & church friends (we attend same church).
They all think she is so nice because she loves to give baked goodies away. (Actually she loves the praise for her baking).
Some of us can never go "no contact", we would be called heartless.
I was at my absolute lowest in January of last year & didn’t want to live anymore at 54 years old due to narc elderly mother & her control of entire toxic family. Thankful for the Divine intervention that got me to pick myself up out of that horrible dark place & go final no contact in February. I don’t care what any of them think or say about me, or the family friends, or the church friends that she sucks up to. I sought in person therapy & channels like this have helped tremendously. Narc mother has no remorse & hasn’t changed & is now trying to turn my adult son against me. He told her off last week on the phone. I’d find a new church & save my sanity. You deserve better
@@gem7078 Yes, channels like this helped me identify what is going on. They feed off our reactions. I'm trying to apply & trust in 1st Peter 2:20 - 23. Others can see who is to the one to talk about petty disputes.
Stay strong for your family!
@@gem7078Thank you. Stay strong for your family . Sorry for repeating, other was missing under regular/top, only under newest.
Thank God I'm out, i'm whatever I choose they have no say or influence 😌
after the horrible christmas we had, i've actually had suicidle idiations and wonder lets say i did the dead, what and how would they act afterwards whgat would they say, and my brain basically says " they will put everything on you even when your dead" he was the problem or had them etc etc, he always went against the grain, etc etc, he had anger issues. etc etc. but i wont deny it the thought of the peace on the other side seems so comforting, then the family mess i'm in now. that apparently is all my fault.
Get away from them all forever and forget your old life! Stop the torment! That’s what I did after college! It will give you massive trauma if you stay in the toxic environment. Take the healing path! You will be in pain but no regrets after a while! Your life is what you make it yourself! We choose to be screwed up or we can take the high road and recover and laugh to a new happier life! Suicide is not the answer. You can recover! Happiness is in your control! Don’t give up! Later life can be so peaceful and fun! I am here for you! Hugs 🤗
Please get a therapist to help you through this difficult time. I can hear the pain in your writing. It is real and deserves to be attended to. You deserve love, kindness, beauty and hope.
Sending you best wishes in your healing journey. There is beauty there for all of us on this now thorny path.
There will be beauty for ashes.
My parents lie through their teeth and I also have gifts which threaten them. High level of empathy as well, with me.
It was traumatic and continued for decades. It's horrible and therapy and self-care is the path to take. No contact has helped. Thank you for being so on point!
Walk away 😮
Does this apply to me? Oh yes it does. Dr. Wise couldn’t have a more befitting nominal ontology.
Every time I listen to your videoes I’m more convinced my dad is a narcissists and I grew up in such a home with no clue. However I knew something was off. I never felt like I mattered, I had zero confidence, my older sister rejected me throughout the years. I was fed, clean house and clean clothes. Got to play and did only a few chores but the heaviness of my dad weighed heavily on us all. All of us were afraid of him. My mum seemed to worship him. He got his own way with everything. I can’t recall any real relationship with him. I just remember a strong desire to be good to get his approval. Your videoes are amazing as they express exactly what I’ve been through. It’s reached a end now after so much disregards, disrespect, invalidation, control, devoid of my feelings, views and emotions. So terrible I’ve had to walk away from all of them as I just don’t belong. It’s been real hard but these type of videoes give me courage and acknowledgement of how I’ve felt all these years. It’s put a name and explanation to it that I feel validated to now work on myself to heal. Gonna be a long road but its improving every single day.
Yup! When I started learning about narcissism in 2019 after a horrible BF was a compulsive liar and when I googled that to figure out what mental illness that was, it lead me straight to “narcissist” and I kept watching RUclips videos and was astounding they showed exactly his entire self of traits in the 4 weeks I knew him! The cycle too of love-bombing/devaluing/discard I went through! When learning, it brought me way back to HS and every man I was with as they all abused me mentally in all those insane ways of gaslighting and sick insults and more! I realized my own father was a narcissist too! He was worst one of them all and I was age 58 realizing all this! HS BF, other BFs, 2 husbands who all abused me and left me confused and hurt. Narcissism never crosses our minds wondering what on earth is wrong with them??!! 16 year second marriage left me damaged in 2006 and I never recovered! It was a shock to realize and recall all of the narcissist abuse both in personal life and at work and in medical I received by many psychos! They had all the traits of a narcissist so the realizations were devastating but also refreshing to have answers years later as to why all that bad stuff happened to me! I felt relief too, but find it hard to trust anyone. I am in fight or flight very reactive to all these nutjobs in society now and it causes me bad anxiety at age 62! Dr Les Carter on RUclips was great learning! The best and you want to learn diff angles of this narcissist stuff! Andrew on Narcdaily is also excellent with a different set of awareness topics! It’s never too late to recover from narcissist abuse! We must get boundary learning and narc detection to survive people as this is rampant in people now with the gaslighting especially! I experience gaslighting a lot still and it infuriates me! I am very reactive to it! I have done paid courses through Dr carters councelling program and it helped a lot! I figured out why I was also a problem attracting narcissists as well! Learned how my childhood abandonment affected me with relationships in 2022! I am here for you!
@@Juke582 yes thanks for the response I was 59 years old when I realised after talking with a therapist.
@@Juke582hi Thankyou for offering to be here for me. I really feel I need someone to talk to who understands. A little chat on a regular. If your able to do this please let me know.
I walked away in my mid twenties. I’m 61 now.
It’s a great FREEDOM.
✨✨✨
Yep. Sometimes I visit the Upside Down Lands. I look like a Coca cola there. I never stay long because I don't want to become one.
This reminds me of the movie What dreams may come. But I have to leave them behind in Hell everytime. I am slowly coming to terms with that. Focussing on my own life helps a lot. I wish everyone strength and wisdom. Thank you Jerry ❤
It’s impossible to set a boundary when all they do is shout at you when they are angry. It’s one way talking. I lost it the other day after trying to leave and them following me. X
I'm the 48 year old loser son living back with his parents with nothing, no job nothing
While the narc is focusing on you, their own inadequacies are flying under the radar. Remember that. Imagine what they may be trying to hide,using you as camouflage.
when someone points their finger at you, 3 fingers point back at themselves.👉☝
Don't let the turkeys get you down.🦃
You aren't alone I'm stuck in a house my mother owns so she thinks she should have a say in every aspect of my life. She already ruined my career by staking a life changing job from under me and sabotaged my marriage
@@jl3268 just enough springs to mind
8:36 Solid 👍👍👍👍
And it’s so strange, Jerry. Every time I speak to my father , it’s like meeting him for the first time.There’s no depth of fore knowledge. I’m accused of things he couldn’t possibly believe about me. I’ve been alive for 60 years. It’s insane.
Great message. Be careful of those you seek support from. I wished i would have prioritized healing and learning about narcissism after escaping, versus seeking support because it led me to just running into more narcissist. Even in the church!
To seek out safe relationships it means leaving and that leaves you among strangers.
I would move, have my career (Yet, I'm almost 60, who am I trying to fool).
You are only among strangers for a short time until you make friends or acquaintance with neighbors etc. move to a place where people are friendly like where I live (the villages FL). I am 62 and came here retired at 56 but plenty still work and it’s fine. You would be in the company of same age group with lots clubs and things to do!
Never too late to start a new life! I retired in CA in 2018 at age 56 and moved back to FL and started over! Took a new job in CA in 2008 after divorce and started over! It wasn’t too hard! It helps bury the bad stuff way behind you! Almost as if it never happened after a few years in new place! It’s healing! ❤️🩹
It is a great thought but women age 65 + are 80% more likely to live impoverished than men.
I think it was simple. My brother and I were tossed to the side because they put my younger sister in as their future caretaker and wanted to give her all their resources. My mother needed an excuse to do that - so my brother and I were painted as bad .
Another great video! Thank you, Jerry ❤
You are so welcome!
Jerry must’ve known my mother!!
amen! and than last, 4th question IMO is the most important one. and this would apply to any kind of brainwashing, be it dysfunctional family or fundamentalist religious beliefs.
I was the scapegoat and actually still am.
I understand, currently dealing with my mother and two brothers in a probate battle. It’s freeing not allowing them to define me. They are powerless when they see I’m not phased by their actions.
This one I don't understand.
There was NO way I could understand what was going on to me as a child. I was treated VERY differently than my gc brother
All this is true. I'm just glad it all makes sense now.. There where times when I thought I was being paranoid but I can finally see past the mind games and manipulation.
This is all so sad. Brought me to tears
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*ouspwo*_gcl_au*NzIzNjI2MjA3LjE3MTc2MjkwODQ.*_ga*NzIwMTI1NTQzLjE3MTc2MjkwODQ.*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxODMxNjAwOC43LjEuMTcxODMxNjk4My42MC4wLjA.
Jerry, I would love to hear your thoughts on oppositional defiance disorder as it relates to narcissism. And what to do about it in young people, but adults too. It seems the narcissists in my family purposely do the opposite of what they are supposed to, and really create messes for themselves and others. Love your videos!!
On point. It falls on deaf ears. They're not capable of giving up the false narrative.
Such excellent examples to help me understand their behaviour.
I appreciate this information and point of view - you continue to help me along my healing journey. Your frank honesty is so needed in this community.
I find so much comfort in your videos.. I just can’t express it. Finding so many similarities to my own childhood.. growing up in an environment of contempt. Thank you Jerry ❤
In grade school, as I waited for the school bus to arrive each morning, I wud watch passing cars-each car w/ different parents & families inside. I wud look at them beseechingly, hoping they wud kidnap me: To raise me as their own.
I hear you. I had a similar sort of feeling. I delivered newspapers to peoples houses in the evening when I was a young teenager. I always remember looking into the front rooms of the houses and they always looked so cozy, comfortable and safe compared to the house i grew up in. You can never relax in a house with a narcissist.
I so wish I had run away when I was a teenager but I couldn't figure out, then, what was wrong, I thought it was something wrong with me.
The important thing to understand is you're not alone in having these feelings.
That was also one of my fantasies as a child. The other was getting to live in an orphanage!
@@nikdenbak3961 thank u for ur kind reply
@@user-rn5wq1dk6x thank u for ur kind reply
Thank you for sharing. I can relate.
My older overt coke head sis was, left home at 14, now 70 and always been a heavy smoker, bewildering she still lives, they've the devil 😈 to pay and he keeps them around a long time, killed both her estranged husbands with pure meanness, malignant covert mom's nursing home won't put her abusive calls through, she's dumb, mom always said you catch more flies with honey than vinegar! No contact, she never wanted to get along, did have much growing up, even big wedding (nope didn't attend, had to attend still married mom's boyfriends sleep overs instead, oh my)... 😊
I am gifted, highly intelligent, and I can see through their bullshit. I outshined my parents. I am also sensitive and my Dad made it his mission to ruin me and my mom followed along. I am the truth teller and hated. It has been greatly beneficial to listen to podcasts like yours. I’m 56 and I finally get it.
Thank you 🙏 for sharing. ❤❤
Most welcome! 🙂
Exactly! Thank you.
If I would try to fit my 'situation' in such presented a 'case/problem' or the other way round, in brief: my nature, ambition, and struggle are all inclined toward understanding/weighing/knowing myself better, and all the time trying to educate and improve, and sharing what I say I know with those I see as needing or deserving, without depending on any one in particular. On the other side my parents in short are not independent and I think my siblings find it easier to follow suit and all wouldn't tolerate my different way through liberation, and therefore they have already done whatever they can and still doing any and everything anyone can't expect a family to do to another member of their own just because he is different and kind.
God bless.
I feel awful because once I woke up to the fact that I'm the family scapegoat in 2023, it was too late,! Cuz narc mother died in 2021. I didn't get the chance to WALK AWAY.😢😢😢...... Now I'm stuck cuz family discarded me, it's awful at this older stage of life. I gave up my OWN house I had for 10 years cuz my narc mother convinced me to "move back home", so I did in 2012. She didn't ask any of her other kids. I was main caretaker, giving up my house and job, and golden child sister did only weekends then posted all over FB what a great daughter she was). Narc Mom told me after she died, I could live in house for 3 years after, until I found new place. But golden child kicked me and my son out of mother's house in 2022 when narc died, and narc Mom betrayed me even after death as she put sister as executer of her estate, who had full control, leaving me and my son, (narc Mom own grandson!!) nothing😢 living in squalor, feel like a failure, wish I could have walked away BEFORE she died so it was my choice, but no, scapegoat lost and it's now just left to die ... My poor son, why were either one of us even born, only to suffer at the hands of pure evil.
I feel ur pain and sorrow. I am so very sorry this happened to ur generous & sweet heart. Hang in there, honey. U r not alone in how u feel. Life is so difficult & confusing now-most especially for those that always do the right thing. Especially, while seeing those that don’t, easily reap life’s rewards. It’s demoralizing & antithetical to how we were raised. Pray for insight into ur purpose. Create a compelling reason to carry on. Try for ur son, if u can’t muster enough care to do it for yourself. U are understood and completely valid. You r important to this World even if u can’t now see it. Simply sharing ur story here, has changed someone’s future. May God bless u and keep u close to Him. ⚜️💜⚜️
Thank yo Jerry! It is empowering to know that I have the power to cask myself in the way that I wish! Thanks for all your efforts Jerry!
You are so welcome
Jerry we appreciate these so much thank you
This nails at 65 years done!
Thank you Jerry for helping me and all find the way to heal ourselves!! So sad he never understood his illness, how come, the lack the faculty to place themselves on the place of others.
Absolutely excellent.
Bang on the money fairplay❤
Thanks again jerry ❤️🇨🇦
Beautiful information
That was so helpful, Jerry! Thank you!
Very welcome!🤗
My husband figured out by my birthdate that I was the reason my mother didn't finish college. I was an outgoing, happy child, but my mother wanted shy and awkward like herself. She was jealous of her sister who the boys liked a lot. Boys liked me too... so the choice of scapegoat was made just by me being born apparently.
It's the second video I watched and you're so on point ! It feels good to be understood 🙏🏽 thank you for what you do 🧡💛💚💙
You are so welcome!🙂
So true doctor I am learning not to date the oldest child when it comes to dating, I am the youngest. I think dating someone else that has healed from narcissistic abuse in the family and men that are codependent of women. Thank you 😊
Does this all happen unconsciously or are narcisstic family members aware of what they are doing ?
They are aware!
I went 80 percent no contact! Mother changed after getting sick with ALS. Dad died a grouchy old man who called himself a Preacher of JESUS CHRIST'S Gospel!!!
I hope his kids see the effort of a father trying to help them and provide them. Some children’s mothers are bitter over problems they have created.
I know you talk about boundaries and I have heard others who talk about Narcissists and Addicts/Alcoholics talk about boundaries.. I have also heard you talk about emotional and physical detachment.. ACA does not talk about detachment and Alanon talks a lot about detachment.. I am trying to figure out why ACA doesn't talk about detachment.. The only thing I can think of is that ACA talks about dissociation.. Dissociation can be about abandoning ourselves.. I know you do talk about abandoning ourselves.. I think there is some sort of blending boundaries and detachment without dissociation and abandoning ourselves..
I remember when I noticed my father would come into the room as a kid and he would always suck his teeth or get somewhat angry when I turn around when I noticed he entered the room. When he and my mom were fighting over my little brother he was told to take m. He did not even want me. When we walked to school I told him I did not want to go with him because he always sucked his teeth, never helped me with homework and never really talked to me. He told me to F off. I am 10 years old at the time.
Iam the only child.
Never a golden child.
Only their problem.
You should see how my mother’s “F*cebook Friends” treat me. 😂😂😂 She has SO many people fooled. Constant with the passive aggressive posts, the “poor me” posts. She has blamed me for one thing or another since I was 13 when my parents divorced and she hasn’t stopped. The way people look at me and/or IGNORE me, without even knowing me, is absolutely hilarious. She HATES it because everyone I personally know, LOVES me!!
Attempted to do the free one time, on this video "more" section, I made a mistake in where my finger touched the screen ,
the session ended before it was completed. I'm not well versed in technology.
😊 Thank you.
I apologize it didn’t work for you the first time. Maybe try again here?
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027