Narcissistic Family: Emotional Abuse They Made You Believe Is Normal
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
- In this video, I take a look at some of the different kinds of emotional abuse people raised by narcissists were raised to believe were normal.
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he uses his wealth of knowledge and experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Differentiated Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
If you're finally ready to get your narcissistic dysfunctional family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help
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I agree and your not alone
Thank you for all that you are doing Dr. Jerry Wise. I am using three of your videos as methodological ways to work with my therapist. Wish me good luck sir. Your work is transcending borders for you have a listener even here in southwest Africa (Angola being the country) of all places and that's saying something believe me. You can probably, due to the destitute nature of the african paradigm and with the historicity of colonialism make the assumption/presumption that intergenerational mental illness and narcissistic family dynamics are very prevalent in african societies but people are very ignorant of it and it is hindering our development. I wrote you another comment yesterday in a previous video, I hope you read it sir, I reiterate my gratitude for your work, you explain it so simply which reveals epistemological wisdom in the subject matter you excel at.
The part about parentification is absolute genius… reveals epistemological genius.
I’ve learnt to dodge it. I spend the holiday period reading a slew of books from start to finish undisturbed. My ex’s family grew to not expect me to show up on Christmas Day.
I needed to hear this today, thank you👍
I hate this time of year. The Christmas season is the time of year society expects your to just coddle your toxic family and it's hard to get around it.
I would stop this toxic circuit during my 20s after my first years in a new town and employment. I would celebrate a wonderful Christmas dinner and party with friends while leaving my hypocrite parents alone, telling them I was already on ski vacation and not available. It was such a relief and liberating!
Don’t let it. I’m middle aged and unmarried and trust me, I took my holidays back at least 30 years ago. I REFUSED. I have my own life…
The End!
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER- OMG ME too. I don’t know why people torture themselves.
and paying for the gifts for everyone. 😂
Yes and all the Hallmark Christmas fantasy family movies come on and its a slap in the face to remind us what we will never get.
I have acquaintances that treat me with WAY more respect than my “family”
I've often said friends are life's apology for family.
So true. Yet, toxic parents tell you that it is those people out there that you must watch out for.
@@pinkazure808"They're not friends. They're acquaintances and don't give a ____ about you.'
My whole family has told me repeatedly since I was a child that “friends can get up and leave anyday. Family is blood. That’s the real important thing.”
@@pinkazure808 Yes, while never actually telling you what to watch out for.
October 1995 went no contact with my clueless, in denial, emotionally immature, blame shifting, negligent, insecure, unassimilated, verbally abusive, loveless, unlovable "parents", at the age of 31.
Best fucking thing I ever did for myself
Twenty eight years of peace! Kudos.
Me too. At 17. As difficult as it was financially and fending off user men for the next few years, I never regretted it for a second.
You didnt have any abusive relationships after your family? How did you manage that?
Same here and I’m 55
I just hope to get to your point of strength one day. ❤️ Thank you.
"Conditional love is abusive...you do not trade love for behavior."
One thing that needs to be said over and over: when you think unhealthy is "normal," you will also see healthy as "abnormal," and end up gravitating towards relationships in your own life that feel comfortable... aka "normal."
Hence the abuse cycle continues. It took me years to break that cycle. So many years... 😔
Astute Analysis.
Cue the *APPLAUSE*
I almost left my current relationship after six months because something didn’t feel right. Fortunately I had done a lot of work on myself after leaving an emotionally unstable relationship. Me, myself and I had a long talk. I figured out that I was so used to drama that I was somehow bored. Twenty years later, I made a good decision.
💯💯💯💯 my husband and his family seemed so weird and "off" to me because they were a truly healthy example!!!! Its mind boggling now looking back. So grateful for my husband's patience with me while I woke up and healed 🙌🏻❤️ they have all been amazing and so supportive!
So true! We see healthy as suspect, uncomfortable, it even seems fake.
Screenshotting this comment as a reminder. Thank you. I am 39 just realizing how toxic my family was. Did not know what a boundary was until last year. I used one and my mother just vanished after calling me every name, denial, blaming it all on my dad, and when that didn't work, gaslighting me and telling me I am paranoid. And I did marry a narcissist at 18. Basically my entire life has been nothing but a shitshow.
I wasn't allowed to be sad, angry, or even be happy. My father and mother were allowed to be all those things. However I was punished for having any of those feelings. So I learned early to have no emotion and to try to be as invisible as possible.
Yeah this seems to be a common theme. Same here.
Same…hope you are doing ok!
Same here. I was punished horribly for showing any emotion. But their rage apparently was okay
Hope you are healing ,and feeling better.
I think most people who have been emotionally abused become invisible
I was not allowed to be sad or angry. I was called horrible 'nick names'. I was the scapegoat no matter what happened. It was pretty bad.😢
Yep. If I cried my father would raise his hand and yell at me....quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
At age 8 I broke my arm, my writing arm. Father wrapped it it with a cloth. I fussed for 2 weeks that it hurt. I was ignored and told to quit whining. It took a teacher who told my parents my arm was broken. Finally got a cast after 2 weeks.
My mother would do that to me. Yell at me horribly, I put my head down, she would tell me by yelling to raise my head & say something. When I did, she would tell me to shut up. Everyday I was silenced & was just supposed to accept it. Very mentally abused
I'm sorry. I wasn't allowed to be sad, my parents would punish me. I wasn't allowed to be happy or my siblings would tear me down and bully me. I ran off into the woods a lot...
@@Michelle_9_27Same here. Even my older sister would behave that way to me, because our mother had more expectations from her. I admit my sister was treated poorly, but I was treated worse since I was the scapegoat of the family.
@@missstranger7697 I’m sorry ♥️
1-verbal abuse (12 subcategories)
2-gaslighting, (making you doubt yourself, lying, manipulation)
3-emotional neglect
4-conditional love
5-parentification (children forced to take on adult responsibilities or caregiving)
6-scapegoating
7-silent treatment
7/7 marks
@@nadineelizabeth195 right there with you. Hugs. Break the cycle.
@@mfar3016I broke the cycle after cutting off my mom and work so hard to make sure I don’t become her to my children. I often think what would my mom have done and do the opposite.
I have been harmed by all 7. Fuck that. Determined to heal and am making headway with the guidance of a somatic therapist. Many blessings on our process to heal from this awful shit
Your comment reaaaaaaalllyyyy resonated with me. I do the EXACT SAME THING with my children. ❤️ @@dragonqueen4376
"As parentified children, we see others' inability to look after themselves as an invitation for us to over-function." That quote unlocked something for me. Thank you for your videos!
Hi😊😅
I just e-mailed my parents a letter explaining why I want to go NC for a year. It was hard to come to this decision. And my parents responded saying I’m sensitive and that physical and verbal abuse happens in every family. Grateful to have communities like this that remind you to trust the evidence.
This is the fear of attempting to reconcile. Somehow the parent(s) are always the victim and you are always the oversensitive one. Sorry you got that response, hope you have a great 2024!
When I dumped mine, I got yelled and and told, everyone makes mistakes. Huge relief to have got away from them, but never got away from what they did.
The this is not their business
Mine would have just ignored the email. Don't know if that's better or worse, but I suppose that's the idea.
So proud of you ❤️ good job on breaking the cycle. Their behaviour is not normal and is toxic.
I stuttered and wet the bed until age 17 in a perfectly normal dysfunctional family. Why did I stop during my senior year? Hmmm?
Maybe it was because my dad took a job away from home and was gone 90% of that time period and their golden boy, my older brother moved out and I was able to come out from behind the curtain of threats and shine my light.
And that is what I did.
I know in my heart that defending myself against a bullying older brother was the underlying preparation for becoming the first State Champion wrestler in my High School's history. And it was thee ONLY match that my dad saw my senior year....AND I remember him telling me afterwards, "Now don't be getting too big for your britches!"
I went on to become a chiropractor, graduating at age 40. They both had their health, the time, and the money, but failed to attend.
And then continue the lifetime of gaslighting, emotional abuse, by telling me at age 59, that I think I have become arrogant because of my piece of paper, my "doctors degree" in Chiropractic. And that I think that I am so much better than the rest of their kids. That was eight years ago. They are in their late 80s, and they haven't changed one bit. I have been no contact for eight years. and I am doing great.
Except that I did, and still do over- explain myself. Enmeshment? I'd say!
But, they always told me that they loved me...
Get away from them!!!
I got tricked with the” I love you “
When I graduated nursing school my dad said “I’ll be proud of you when you’re a doctor “
Mother said nothing. Father danced wedding song I picked out for my wedding, with my sister at her wedding ! 😅
I’m glad you got a clue at a younger age !
I still over explaining myself also i hate it because i want to be loved but then people wouldn't understand in some culture the family is like never wrong, you are the wrong ones is so toxic.
I can relate to every word you typed... our details differ, but many of the same lessons !! Your closing phrase has been my perspective beginning back in 1982+ and 'subliminally'[sp?] age 10-30 ! Best wishes, comrade.
That is the most inspiring story I've read in a long while. And it's rather interesting how narcs react to your success.
My story is similar, and if my abusers call me an arrogant bastard now, I live for it! That boosts my ego a little. Because I was never allowed to have an ego. I was nothing more than dust under their soles. If even they can acknowledge it now, that means I have managed to turn the tables completely.
Not that it matters at all, I just find the irony of the situation pretty amusing. Really puts things into perspective.
Thanks for sharing and for finding a path to rise above the dysfunction (and hopefully breaking the intergenerational cycle). Just wondering what was your father’s relationship like with _his_ parents?….hmmm.
My mother used to tie me up as a child. Guess she thought I would not remember. One Holiday me and my siblings and I were talking about our childhood. The subject came up about being tied up, and they said it happened to them, too. My mother, to this day, denies it ever happened. The memories of 5 children are all wrong. I have been broken my whole life and did not know why. I'm 54 and am trying to put my life back together.
Only God can give us unconditional love. Remember, all have fallen short. All humans are sinners
@libertyordeath8983 that response might be well meant, but it's not helpful. I'm saying this as a believer. Everyone falls short, but not everyone abuses. God loves us with perfect love, but some people ARE capable of healthy and mostly unconditional love, while abusers aren't. I can't imagine reading a story of being tied up by your parent as a young child and thinking "we all fall short" is a helpful response.
I hear up. Keep doing the work that you need to love yourself. If your mother is still narcissistic, feel free to distance yourself. You deserve better. You will heal, just never give up on that beautiful little girl who had to put up with the bs behavior from childhood.
She was tied up as well
You are not alone, I am cusping 57 and have been no contact for years yet haven't done the "Work" to recover. My Sleastack (from Land of the Lost) of a mother began primal screaming and kicked my older sister out of the house with no car keys on a.Christmas when we both dared to remember out loud that she ( alcoholic, schizophrenic, chain smoking.unshaven, greasy headed beast of a woman) picked us up from a birthday party in her underwear. It was raining and all the little girls at the party were waiting at a big picture window for the their parents to drive up. She looked like a diseased cat as she wobbled up the paved path the the front door. I'll never forget feeling as cold as ice and the gasps from the children and then the deafening silence. I remember clinging to the birthday girls Dad and begging him to not make me go with her, because I knew what follow. I'll never forget him physically putting me in the back seat and then leaning in and asking her over and over again if she was OK to drive. He worked for my pathological,. cocaine addict of an Exfather, and was probably terrified losing his job. Sadly, I was already making excuses for my awful Exparents. I remember telling the kids at school that My mom had been swimming and her bikini just looked like underwear.
Remember "The Addams Family," the parents were deeply in love and acted romantic with each other, but their family was "weird," and "abnormal."
That was a brilliant social commentary.
I love Addams family. I could watch the movies so many times when I dislike most "family movies". They loved each other and didn't care abt "fitting in".
Everyone was accepted. It was a great show.
They also had clear boundaries/rules for their children, showed loved and acceptance of their children, and were involved in their lives.
Yes and they should have named it the CAINS FAMILY, not Adams....which is more narcissistic projection of these serpents who run hollywood and the TV industry!!
The Addams family wasn't toxic.
I had to reach out to my dad recently. I said I was still going to stay no contact with my mother. He said my mom has "her own version of history," which made me think he doesn't believe me when I share about her bad behavior. I seriously started questioning myself -- did it all happen like I thought?
Then my dad said my autism was caused by my mental health meds. 😐 Yeah, I'm staying no contact.
I'm sorry you went through that. I pray that things get better for you IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
I used to think I had autism, and I might, but it's more likely that I learned dysfunctional styles of relating to the world and the people in it, I think it can be reversed with time in a healthy environment.
@@David-eu1ms
I guess there's a lot about the brain and environment we still don't know a lot about yet. I wonder if a lot of us will have different "diagnoses" in 50 years (well, I'll be dead, but for the kids)
In 2002 they thought I was bipolar, but not anymore. I think trauma molds us wayyy more than people previously thought, and more study needs to be done on it
@@David-eu1msI showed signs of autism from birth, they've also done studies on the brain and shown that autistic brains are different to neurotypical brains, but I definitely think that there are behaviours and patterns of dysfunction in families that can cause problems you're pointing out.
@@gojiberry7201
I have complex PTSD and now I'm doubting if I have some level of ADHD or is emotional disregulation... maybe both?
Anyway, I have spent three years and severe fight and flight response and now I'm stuck in a freeze response. I can't see the end of the tunnel.
Acting like their child's needs are an extraordinary hardship, how dare you get between them and their addiction.
I remember my mother screaming at me because I asked for groceries I could pack for lunch. I said I was confused because I didn’t understand what she was eating for breakfast or lunch since there was no food in the house.
She had been going out to restaurants every day…
@@youtubename7819 I'm sorry that was your childhood experience, I had to steal from my dad's change stash for cigarettes so I could afford school supplies. In his mind I'm still a thief, he accused me of stealing stuff he lost later in life and his behavior is why I don't talk to him anymore. "We found the stuff" was the closest he could come to an apology.
I wish you well on your recovery journey and thank you for sharing.
@@youtubename7819 i’m sooo sorry for you. my gkids went through that. i was CONSTANTLY taking them food bc they'd call me & say there was nothing- but she would get mad AT ME and say there was!!! now my oldest grandson at 18 is OVEREATING bc he can and making himself sick A LOT! please take care🙏
As children, we were not PERMITTED to set boundaries, and if we did, they were not respected.
You were groomed to their ego, not to what is right or wrong.
And they attached “right and wrong” to their ego”, without you realizing it (when you were growing up, and your mind was malleable - literally, from a Nueropsychological standpoint)
This exactly, and its even worse when they're religious their ego now becomes god!!
EXACTLY. HARD STOP!!
@@r1234233Exactly! They stand in the way of the true God by twisting & perverting him to their own wants, like with most everything else for them. It’s disgusting, but it’s so easy for people around them to fall into their snares… and those people notice the negative effects of being around them later. That’s how cults are made…God help us 🙏
Yep, agreed
*neuro
Narcissistic parents are so controlling and manipulative, and this made their children believe that whatever their parents say is the law; when somebody outside the family makes a point about the wrong mentality, that person becomes the enemy and would hate that person for life. They live in a false reality, they can't see the truth.
Going NO CONTACT is a last resort attempt at self preservation usually arrived at almost too late to assuage the mental , emotional and physical damage done by narcissistic families .
This is why its so frustrating when people are confused as to why you cut your family out. Ive met lots of people that dont understand how much it took before I finally took that step. Its not a rash decision over one disagreement.
@@kristinm4005 They see us as the "ungrateful daughter/son" who didn't take care of their aging parent(s). We were expected to give them what they never gave us.
But never too late to be the right choice.
Yep. Most kids grow up thinking that their parents are normal. I definitely believed in that. I had nothing else to go by.
I thought everyone’s dad verbally abused them. 🤷♀️
Same here!
Then I moved far away, married a pastor and got to know many families very closely. I then realized how my family functions is not how most of other families function. Observing other families I learned what I experienced was in many ways very unhealthy. I try not to repeat it with my husband and kids.
Yep!!
Same here. But as an adult thinking about it, I wouldn't go back in time. Whatever happened, belongs to the past.
I thought that too until I began spending the night with my friends and saw how differently and respectfully their parents treated them.
I actually grew up kind of thinking we were better than other people. Narcissistic fleas I guess. Thank God I snapped out of that eventually.
At 7 years old I was in charge of my 10 months old sister. With the house key around my neck, I had to take her to nursing school, 6 days, a week. later on in life, I had to do almost everything for her. Including getting her up in the mornings as she was "imune" to the alarm clock. I am convinced I decided not to have children on my own because I always felt I already did my "job" as a parent.
I remember when I was around 13 & my mom said “Tell your school-therapist what’s really wrong with you, and stop talking about us”.
❤
Parentification - this includes managing the feelings of the narcissist, especially anger and if that parent is physically abusive. The child will then do everything they can to be sure that the narcissist is stable. The child might also confuse the narcissist’s sadness for anger because that’s just as potentially dangerous. The explosive raging sessions is something that isn’t discussed much in NPD circles. Sometimes they go on for hours, like 3 hours or go long, like to midnight. Or are done in front of the whole family, forcing the family to stay and witness it. Sometimes the other parent will be dismissive of their own child’s physical abuse and say something like, well that was nothing like what the narcissist went through as a child. I think all kids of narcissists have some level of parentification because of this.
Oh my god! Yes! Walking around on eggshells because my father had the habit to blow up for no apparent reason. Like a song that gave him nostalgia or something. Or a smell that would remind him of a bad date that he had with my mother before they got married. He would rage for HOURS blaming my mother for not being loyal enough while keeping my brother and me in the room so we had to watch. Eventually he would let us go to bed at 3am because he remembered that we had to go to school in the morning. He beat my mom up several times and made me cover her black eyes with make up ( I was 15 at the time). At some point he put a cigarette out on her shoulder and for years she wouldn’t admit that he did it. All of that is so fucked up. When confronted my parents still try to argue that “all of our issues were between us and weren’t supposed to affect you kids”. Well, they did.
This is my story.
I@@josephineananda
We definitely need to have more videos on narcissistic explosive rage. They can run on for hours or even all night and and long term narcissistic injury they carry for months or years after the explosive rage.
I instigated, so that I was the target of my father's rage. I was always trying to protect my mother.
The thing when you grow up with narcissists is that you tend to develop a wrecked sense of Justice nor right and wrong. Abnormal behaviors are normalised and acceptable or simple mistakes are badly punished so either you end up being a people pleaser or you become narcissistic yourself. You start to rationalize toxic behaviors and you become toxic yourself at the end you don't know how to relate with other people and you end up hurting them without noticing. I developed high narcissistic traits myself, like anger issues, insubordination, and manipulation, because verbal abuse and threats was how I grew up and now I discovered that these behaviors are not normal but that is how I was educated.
All of this! ❤
Find your triggers and do inner child work. It's tough but worth it. Being narcissistic won't make you happy. You might have only narcissistic fleas since you are conscious.
Reactive abuse isn’t narcissistic personality disorder ❤
@Lyrielonwind Certainly no pressure, but could you say more about what inner child work involves? Do you mean learning to listen to your younger self more kindly, and learning to be your own kind parent? I found one healthy friend I met in my mid-twenties enormously helpful for unlearning my narc family's unspoken rules. Just by being his honest, warm, forthright self. And pointing my weird behaviors out, without shaming me: " I can't read your mind. You'll have to tell me what you would like to do." And modeling healthy conflict and (inadvertently) teaching me how to do that :)
@@caroleminke6116 Plus one, Carole! Thanks for correcting that person about the reality of REACTIVE ABUSE. (So that they don't assume an unfair burden they NEVER should have in the first place)
PS--makes this 50-year-old dude want to put in that classic Carole King album "Tapestry" again. I think I will put it en queue already
I was never allowed to show emotion. If I were angry or sad or even happy or silly, I was “just trying to get attention.” And, “who do think you are?” One of my father’s nicknames for me was “Big Dummy”. I learned to make myself “small” so I wouldn’t be a bother. My parents didn’t seem to like me and I didn’t know why. I was constantly told I was self-centered. I think their way of parenting was to make me not stuck up or think I was better than anyone else so they came down hard on me to keep me in check. I was always wrong and everyone else was always right. I spent my entire adulthood not speaking up for myself in relationships or in the workplace because I really believed I was always wrong and I should bear the brunt of disrespect or disappointment because that’s what I deserved. Now I’m in my 60’s and I’m finally coming out of it.
I recognise that when a parent behaves as if completely unable to acknowledge their child's perspective, emotions, boundaries, integrity, and instead thrusts upon their child their perspective and emotions and calling them facts of life, that is emotional incest. The child learns to escape reality in their home setting and develop escapist addictions, substances, shopping, scrolling, gaming, pornography, hookups, fantasies (can be narcissism OR codependence), obsessions and compulsions. These can be undone by understanding their origin, processing the early experiences, being witnessed as a real self and realising who we are.
Needless to say I have described myself at a few points there.
Thanks for another video! 🙏
Very well said. I've got heavily dissociated bc: one, my individuality was not acknowledged so I had to be hypervigilant to know how to please everybody. Two: reality was too painful to face and impossible to escape.
Excellent insight!
About competition, narcissists see competition in everybody. They are always competing even when there's no competition at all.
If you say you have walked a mile, they have walked ten in less time than you. I have even seen narcissists bragging about their good health and then, someone complained about a physical condition and they switched so they were bearing more pain than anyone in the world... it's so ... crazy?
I can't find a word for that.
It's called "one uping". This is my sister.
i was grossly neglected/abused as a child. Self-love wasn't only untaught; it very clearly was not allowed. Nothing would get me punished deeper... I know why now.
unfortunately i can relate to that
yep I got lectures not to act stuck up when I showed healthy self esteem
I’m sorry you suffered so much. I hope you find healing.
@@styracosaurusqvt4841 thank you. I am
@@angelika87 My mother hated me putting on makeup. She would stand at the bathroom door and say, "Do you think you're beautiful? How could you possibly be beautiful? Look at your family. You'll never be beatiful". She told me that professional men wouldn't look at me because they wanted "pretty" women. She once came unhinged because I said I loved a professional photo by saying, " I'd love a photo like that". She said, "SHE"S PRETTY!" with such disdain. I was out of line for thinking I had anything going for me. No one in my family witnessed it, but she had no problem humiliating me in front of strangers. I couldn't do anything right and my "attitude" was egotistical. She really destroyed me and then blamed me for being destroyed. She once told me I was the reason she didn't have any friends. But she didn't' notice that I had no friends. Monster and mother both begin with an "M".
The hardest thing is that my parents didn’t protect me from the abuse and engaged in it. They still have not condemned the poor behavior from the narc sister or other siblings.
I was never a priority in the family. Merely an afterthought. This is why people shouldn’t have the number of kids they do.
The way I relate to it. 😢 I am so sorry
An afterthought , that is what people think in the end of themselves .
I’m in my 30s and pregnant with my own daughter now. It has made me a lot less forgiving of my mom’s BS. There is no way I could ever treat my child the way she treated me. I grew up feeling like an object. I never mattered to her at all. Everything is always my fault. I deserve whatever cruel thing she says every time. She is broken.
My alarm system was broken at a young age. I can remember several times when other people recognised and acknowledged that someone else had been rude to me or manipulative, and I often failed to see it. Abuse, in many forms, just goes under my radar until it's very obvious or outright dangerous. I feel like I am emotionally naked.
You hit the nail on the head. My father, who is a covert alcoholic narcissist, took me to see a counselor when I was 11 years old. When the counseled asked him why we were there, my father said “Because Angelina is the root of all of our family problems.” I will never forget how that felt. I am now 46 years old and my father has been giving me the silent treatment since June 2007- I am still not sure of the exact reason. And don’t get me started on my mother. She is a sociopath who is constantly trying to destroy my reputation and relationships. I definitely prefer the silent treatment over what she does. At least my father leaves me alone…
Stay far away from them, you understand now, take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry they mistreated you . May Jesus heal you. IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI. +AMEN
No contact works.
I'm sorry 😞 Live well and heal yourself ❤
Usually the counselor has to break it to the parent that it's not the kid, YOU'RE the problem and the parent freaks and they never go back to that counselor ever again.
Enmeshment is a huge one for me. My mother refuses to respect me as my own person. She doesn’t seem to understand the concept of me being an independent human being. Nothing I tell her makes a difference and I’ve literally tried to spell it out when I was going to move out. “Kids grow up, become an adult, move out on their own and have their own family. How am I supposed to have my own family if I stay here for my entire life?”.
She still didn’t get it (or at least acted like she didn’t). I moved out anyway. Maybe now she’ll have some time to think on it.
Mine thought on it…. And then proceeded to make me feel guilty for not staying. When I set boundaries I was unfriended, blocked, cut off on everything and told to never call again. It’s been 7 years. If she’s not getting her narcissistic supply from you any longer, expect a lash back.
Peace to you!
Isolation to me as an adult is the best thing that exists to protect myself against the lies of the world.
After suffering from my ex husband narcissistic abuse and his family…
You can also heal. And slowly bit by bit pick yourself up..orrr u can isolate which seems unhealthy.
@@marciestoddard730 When you heal yourself, people guilt trip you and take it personally.
That is why isolation is also a solution, even though it really is a bad habit.
I'm a senior citizen now, but I was never shone the kind of love, especially from my dad, that teaches a child how to love others. Even now, I don't know how to be close to anyone. I've been married 3 times, failed at all three. Yeah, like I said, I'm a senior citizen. But I still don't know how to have a close relationship with anyone.
DITTO. My childhood too.
I received no love from my narcissistic mother. Her favorite lines were: "If you did x,y,z you would look better." I thought I was one step away from needing a paper bag over my head so as not to scare people. I'm not gorgeous (I also never spent 45 minutes every morning putting on my face), but I am attractive. Another line was, "What would the neighbors think?!" In third grade, she thought I was having a nervous breakdown - did she take me to a doctor? NO. What would the neighbors think? Take coming from a mother who HAD a nervous breakdown after I was born. Makes me wonder how she coped with a baby at that time. Thank goodness my grandparents took care of me for the 3 weeks she stayed in the hospital - but because I bonded with them, I also thought I had been adopted when I had "a new mom." Mentioned that at a large party with all my friends and their parentd there (I was about 30 at the time), and I thought my mother would faint! I am the last of my immediate family still living, and it is peaceful.
Right there with you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and that this has been your life experience as a result of not being shown the love that you, and we all, deserve as children being raised by our parents. You deserved better, and I am praying for you. Your comment really hit me in the heart tonight, and I just wanted you to know that I empathize and find it brave that you are able to face these things in the later stages of your life. Keep going, keep watching videos and keep seeking to learn about the love that you want to be able to feel from others and give to others. It’s never too late. ❤️
I never learned self love growing up - I learnt self loathing instead. It’s taken such a long time to learn to love myself and not loathe my very existence.
Are narcissist parents aware that they are sabotaging, competing, and comparing with their children? My parents have competed with me my whole life and secretly removed opportunities from me and my brother. I am also blamed for all their financial issues instead of their gambling habits. I was told at 11 years old that it was my fault they filed for bankruptcy.
Jeez
Oh my dear! This is so heartbreaking. So much to carry for a child! My sister in law witnessed her mother having an affair when she was six years old. Then her mother told her “if you want mummy and daddy to get along, you don’t tell anybody!” Also, I have a friend who grew up with her narcissistic grandmother because her mom committed suicide when my friend was 9 years old. That evil psycho of a grandmother told my friend, a nine year old child, that it was her fault her mother killed herself. People are wicked. Makes it hard to breathe sometimes. There are so many of us affected by that type of family stuff. I wish everyone on their healing journey peace of mind. Let it end with you ❤❤❤❤❤
@xenia6761 thank you❤ I'm trying!
I also used to wonder if they know but as time goes by and I learn more about what a narcissist is I think they absolutely know. They are sick and twisted to a degree it’s mind boggling. I remember when I bought my first new car and took it to show my dad he smugly said good job. A week later he went out and got a new car. He never liked to see me doing good. I have been no contact for over ten years and part of me wants to write him and tell him how he is a fkd piece of 💩but then he’d play his games and try to use it against me.
Alan. R. T. Is a pos
Ever been told how much it cost to raise you? Or how much was spent on Christmas gifts over the years?
What makes me so mad is when your friends and people you see in the community act like it’s normal too. Narcissists couldn’t get away with this if society was good.
But society is becoming more and more toxic and abusive.
I live in a town where military families settle and retire in California. Unfortunately, these things are the normal in society here. So many of my peers also had narcissist parents and bosses. It's pretty bad. Thankfully, my husband is blessed with an amazing boss and job that treats us very well. 😊
Note: I'm grateful for our veterans and their service, but the military can be a place where narcissists thrive and go under the radar...
Military families everywhere is a childhood disaster.
Sadly as an army brat whose father was also an army brat whose family was run by a narcissistic father, I’d have to agree. Both parents were in the military. Sometimes I feel like I was raised by a drill sergeant instead of a nurturing mother.
Yep the military and churches are magnets for power hungry narcs!
Huh, lightbulb: enmeshment is abuse. Boy do I have some changes to make with some "friends" now...
Taking care of mother on hospice- Last week she put a good sum of money into my bank in good faith. She's dying and it is sheltered there for her. A week later she didn't like something I said or did, so she said she wants the money back immediately "so she can find her own place to live" or she will report me for fraud to her bank... huh? I'm working with social workers to get her moved somewhere and I want to cut any communication or contact. By the way, all of your points apply to me.
When they start money games ....RUN...
MY crazy maw was obviously beginning dementia...
She told her neighbors AND my siblings...
I was trying to convince her she was crazy...to steal her money..( ironically she NEVER loaned or gave me money like she did with all my siblings..)
AND...
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Told ME she KNEW I had stolen her cannisters..."You ALWAYS wanted them"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
OH yeah....scratched up old cannisters..
My sisters ended up ACTUALLY stealing all the money and jewelry...
Now that I think of it...
I'll bet THEY stole her disappearing cannisters🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
After a family party where she brought a shoe box full of childhood photos...
SHE THREW THE BOX OF PHOTOS AWAY...
I SAW HER DO IT..
"Why are you throwing that away..."
"OH it is just trash"
"Can I have it"
"Sure"....it is just trash"
Saved a lot of our pictures...ugh
@@dotsyjmaher Now my mom says she wants me in Jail for elder abuse - I refuse to take her "orders" in her words. We share a house and luckily I have an RV so I will be moving into that. She calls the police on us and they want her diagnosed for dementia, but her enabling Hospice people "don't see dementia" I'm so done with her. I'm running as fast as I can.
My birthday is on Xmas day. My mother always made it a horrible time for me. She would blatantly blank anything I ever said and if anyone mentioned my birthday, she'd hijack it and make it about her giving birth on Xmas day. She became more and more abusive over the years to the point where I actually believed I deserved it. My older sister saw it all and never took my side, excusing her outrageous behaviour. I'm 60 now and alone but the Christmas period is still a very difficult time, even though I now know I'd never deserved such hateful abuse. The control she had over me was all pervasive. Forgiveness is the key but we need to recognise the reality of the abuse we suffered to move on. Love to all.
My mom also thinks my birthday and my sisters birthday is her day for giving birth. I thought it was selfish but now i see it's a narcissist trait.
When the cops ask why I haven’t been reporting all the abuse over the years… I thought if I ignored them it would stop.
Never occurred to me to report the abuse.
I assumed all families were like that.
My mom told me yesterday that i have been terrorising my own family since twenty years, and that without me she wouldn't have aged so badly
Horrible thing to say. How quickly can you go no contact? People should think of consequences before they open their mouths
You're so right, Jerry. As small children, we appreciated there were problems -- good parents don't condemn their children with "I hate you!" or try to kill themselves in front of them. However, we didn't know what "normal" was. Thankfully God put a lot of wonderful people in my path, especially after I left home: they showed me there is genuine love, genuine peace and understanding.
I just had a eureka moment. I never thought parentification applied to my family, but I realize that it totally does. My parents would go on these business trips that sometimes lasted for weeks. My parents would never get a babysitter, we would never go to a relative's place. My abusive older brother would watch us, and then Id have to watch once that brother left home.
It was assumed that once I was legally old enough to be left home with my younger siblings, that I would be. Every day before and after school, until dinner time. I did not have the interpersonal skills required for that level of time and responsibility. I never actually got parenting after that age, either, they stopped trying to teach me anything or talk to me about morals or whatever normal families talk about.
my parents were always working just to stay in a middle class area that they couldn't afford. Then when they were home there was always physical fights. we never ate together ever even when I was young. My brothers never dealt with me and everyone just assumes everything about me without ever asking questions. I was kicked out at 19 and no one even helped I didn't know how to sort my life out and realised my parents taught me nothing. I don't speak to them except my dad who is the only one I like even though he never listens, misconstrues everything I say, tells everyone things I tell him in confidence. I don't talk to them and now I'm the bad guy even though now I've gone back to university to study biochemistry. When I chose to make this decision during lock down, after having to move to a new place because my landlord was selling the house and I couldn't find a job in my new area, I asked my mom could I stay, she said yes, then rang me up the next day I'm divorcing your dad so you have to find somewhere else. Am I wrong for not talking to them? whenever my mom has an issue she will scream smash things, kick you out, but if you have an issue with her then she will come up with every excuse not to take accountability act like she's forgot then turn everything on me. I've never had my emotions considered. Am I the ass hole?
As though being flip flop is ok & it is not ok. You are clear minded, looking toward your future. Having a roof over your head is needed. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!🙏
A similiar situation happened to me, it's so hard to fall onto family who are not '"family."
Mine would leave me in charge of my 3 younger siblings from the age of 10 while they went away for the weekend.
wtheck, seriously?? That's messed up!!
My father would go into narc rages for hours. Sometimes for reasons that weren't ever known to me. Then when I would complain to my mom she would tell me I should be grateful that they weren't allowing relatives to rape me like had been done to her and my dad's sister (both parents came from homes where csa was common place obviously separate houses).
I didn't realize how profoundly damaging that was for me. It always felt like a threat like she was going to let it happen any time if she wanted to. It was such a great threat that it really kept me in line.
That was my mom's message growing up "be grateful for your abuse or I'll make it worse."
And now people will wonder why we don't speak anymore.
Omg💜
I really can’t comprehend how some parents can be like this to their own children
Ooh….isolation! I never realized before that my family did this or how harmful it was. My brother and sister and I have always been isolated with only one or two friends all through our lives. 😢
I have always felt that love is conditional. That is because of my mom - she kind of dangled the love and I would try to grab it. That has been the way of my romantic life forever. I quit dating when I was 40 and I am 56 now. I’m really lonely but it is for the best.
Im sorry you feel lonely. It is difficult and sad when there is the desire for human connection but disappointment is all you get in return.
@@kristinm4005 Thanks. I am usually okay with it because I can remember the disappointments quite clearly, but sometimes I get angry - how come I am not allowed to have what other people take for granted?! I feel like an observer and not really alive. Just a person that has a bit part in life. That is just the way it is though. I don’t think I can ever get rid of this illness or the shame it brings.
When I set a boundarie it makes people very uncomfortable, and I usually have to reinforce a couple of times before it works, eventually the person will refuse to spend time with me.
And good riddance. People who care about you understand and respect boundaries.
I think it is great that you're setting boundaries.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you talk about enmeshment, Jerry. Not enough therapists do talk about it and it's so toxic and maddening. It IS abusive and it's created an immense amount of shame in me. Lots of healing to do. Thank you for validating this experience!!!!
+parentification!!
@@theoriginal7727 yuuuuuuuuup
💯
I have suffered narc abuse from my mother and her golden child, my brother for years now. I can tell how it just destroys you both mentally and physically. I wish there could be some kind of a law or something to ban these narcs from having kids at least. We may not be able to ban them everywhere.. but at least from bringing in more misery into this world.
I grew up around the following: Chemically dependent adults one example: While I was on an outing as a child my Uncle went to go get his 'stuff. My mother was mixed up with a man who was into drugs, my mother was a screamer, and threw meltdown tantrums. I love her but the stuff that came out of her mouth I could go on & on. She would swear at me too. I won't even get started on the man she dated then later married until he died. I'm a mess now trying to pick up the pieces. Wish me luck please.
Sounds like you are on a healing path. You being aware is the first step. You don’t need luck. Your intelligence and knowledge will keep you on a good journey. Kudos to your progress.
Prayers help
Would you like us to pray for you ?
🙏⭐🕊️
lots of prayers for you, that's seriously rough. I hope you heal. Louise Hay helped me.
Intelligence plays a big role. People that are intelligent don't need to behave that way to have control. Smart people control themselves before they try to control someone else.
Lies are a theft of truth. Abuse is always a way of stealing power from others and giving them pain, shame, and dysfunction for their trouble.
People expect that everyone has friends and family this time of year and we don’t and it doesn’t mean we’re terrible people. If somebody doesn’t adopt me soon as a friend or a family member I’m not gonna make it I’m too old now been through too much I still have a lot of love to give Hope this falls on the right eyes and heart
😢 i am RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE... plzzzz believe that. it's not good. please reach out more OR to me. we can 180 this place we're residing in our hearts/minds. PLEASE
" I didn't say you did it. I said we are blaming you. ". Followed with a whipping.
My mother was really big on parentification...she told me I would be taking care of my 13 years older brother and my younger, severely mentally disabled sister when she finally got tired of living with my father and decided to end herself...she emphasized that I would become their "mommy" and would have to take her place in the home...she also said it would be a horrible day when she finally passed away and she didnt envy me one bit when this event finally took place, that I'd be better off if I ended myself...oh yeah, I was only eight years old when she told me this. Also she blamed me for every little inconvenience she experienced...one time she blamed me for her getting diarrhea because I stressed her out so bad. 😒
Wow ! Jerry! Thank you for this video today. My husband has a narcissistic mother. She is now 80 and he feels committed to helping her. He has had a hard time with social development because of his mother. He has no friends outside of his ethnicity. It makes him very unhappy living in the United States. She has made sure he has not developed his own self. When ever I see his authentic self emerging she gets under his skin with an one of her health emergencies that is really nothing.
So basically she groomed him into being her caretaker from the get go. Ridiculous!
You made my day today. Keep healing yourself. You are such a young person who can have a beautiful life if that is what you want. You have my permission to live how you want and to say no to your mother. I don't know the situation of your caregiver phase but if she is not dying and can manage on her own stay away. Get stronger.@@kobra4422
So sad
My Mother also selected a minority husband, and in the end admitted to being a racist, it all worked to her advantage, controlling the family in the extreme. While playing the poor retarded, unwell, victim of the world. Prompting all around to act and react as her insanity required. Playing on the emotions of others, as she had no emotion at all.
My dad abused me, i still have scars. He hit me on my head when i was 7 and 12. He touched me when i was 12.
But my mother said its my fault that i didnt report it at that time and i shouldnt be discussing this years later. I spoke to her after i had a kid ( as i was scared to leave my child alone with him).
I was shattered, when my mother underplayed my childhood trauma. My sister ( the golden child) calls me the evil child, apparently according to her, "our father is incapable of abuse, he just has anger isues and alcoholic, not abusive".
It breaks me. I cant breathe when i think abou it. Im 40 but the pain never goes.
58 yrs old and beyond exhausted by these self-serving, entitled, cruel cardboard cutouts! They've gone now and ....I'm trying! There's definitely peace but the damage is unfathomable! I hurt and i hurt for other's and the impact these creatures will have on them! They should come with a health warning! We must become conscious of our enabling behaviour....this would greatly stop the cruel behaviour of these entities!
The silent treatment in my family got so bad my father pretended I didn't exist. That made me much more frightened than I had been before. He hated me because he knew I would tell if he molested me too. My mother told me on my 15th birthday that I was an unwanted child (I'm the eldest of 2) and she framed it as though that justified the abuse. I got an after-school job within a couple of weeks, concealed my savings from it (they'd already stolen from me) and just vanished when I had somewhere to live. Leaving them was the smartest thing I ever did. I shared a flat with a girl they didn't know so they didn't even know where to start looking and, as a child molester, my father was not going to go the the police.
(Had I realised back then he was molesting my sister, I would have told my grandfather, his father, and he would have taken my sister and I to the police station.)
My parents are dead now and I don't miss them. My sister is clinically insane and believes it was all somehow my fault.
Never! Not your fault. The blame sets right on their shoulders... the abusers!
@@judithparris1818 Dead right. She's still stuck in that house of horrors.
I've been abused outside my family and let it happen because I can't tell the difference between that and normal behavior. I've forgiven my family, but it makes me sad knowing they never taught me that.
I can relate. I also been abused outside my family and within.
Look at your friends parents. How they treat their kids. Growing up ,I was able to figure it out. I did not know what to call it. I knew there was something really wrong in my household. That really pissed me off.
@elizabethmadron1336 Is it like what you see in the movies? I don't have many friends lol.
My husband's going to leave me because i dont know how to handle stress. I act exactly like my mom at this time. I hate it. All i wanted to do as a child was get away from her now i did it to my sweet husband. I hate myself. I am waiting for a doctor to call me back.
How do we show our young children that narcissism behaviors is not normal when coparenting with a narcissistic parent? I see him gaslighting her already and I want to protect her
Stand your ground
Honestly, if he’s abusing her already, leaving him may be the only option. Even just 1 instance of abuse is too much.
Already left him, unfortunately we share custody
Now that you're not together, maybe your kids can have a lot of activities when it's "his time", so that they aren't around him a lot. Oh what a nightmare. I'm glad you're free from him. You're setting an example to your kids that abuse is not ok and you don't have to put up with it. My mom just reached her 49th year with my monster of a dad, and I wish she would stand up for herself or leave. In a way she does because she keeps herself insanely busy and he lives in a separate building on the property...ya, seriously. He always has had a separate building to live in, it's twisted. All he did/ does was watch TV once home, what a lowlife. I hope you're healing. Louise Hay I can't say enough about how she's helped heal me.
She was extremely insecure and depressed, but I've never thought of my mother as narcissistic. I still don't think I do, but far too many of these apply to her, and my childhood, for comfort. :(
Same here.
She's self centred narcissism.
It's all about them and their needs. Ours didn't matter, just didn't enter their heads.
I’m discovering this as well….I can’t find a single video that doesn’t describe my mom. 🫤
Untreated mental illness in a parent can be damaging for children. It usually is. Things like addiction and Untreated depression can make you function like a narcissist without having the npd personality disorder.
Maybe she has BPD instead?
@@gunsmithcatthat’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s far more likely that a woman has BPD than NPD, but it’s like the opposite side of the same coin.
I have never heard of enmeshment but that perfectly explains exactly what I always felt like growing up. I didn’t have a sense of self, and if I tried to break free I was promptly hit back into place like a game of whack-a-mole.
that was very light example of parentification... driving a car. Biggest burden is when child must soothe the parent... and carry their anxiety. (btw fire alarm - yes very good metaphor.)
I may have this thing with carrying the anxiety of a parent.
How can you tell when you are carrying their anxiety?
@@pinkazure808generally when you're anxious about life of adult people other than yourself. It's neurotic reaction - 'super-empath'. If your mother was intentionally sharing her adult problems with you when you were a child, you're in the club.
@@collie8 Thank you. This clears it up. Yep, I'm in the club. The other day I was telling mom not to do something. Now in hindsight, I realize that she's an adult who can take care of herself.
As an only child I had to flip-flop between being The Golden Child and the Scapegoat for my father
Only child of a narc mother- I called it the love bomb-sucker punch combo
Growing up I thought something was wrong with me. My mom would tell me something was wrong with me.. but it was social awkwardness because I was just allowed to go to school and no where else. I couldn't visit friends they had to come over my house, and we could never play in my room. It was horrible now I know it's because they can't share control 😢. They see the pain they cause children and it doesn't phase them at all.
RUN 🏃🏃♂🏃♀
I don't like animosity, so you confront it... then they ghost you.
This is totally what occurred when I finally set a text/email only boundary. My oldest sister went silent, then she blamed me saying I was the one who was silent. Now she's telling all the family members I'm schizophrenic. I totally have a tough time forgiving that wretched ..... but I want to be released from all the anger. She seriously talked with me on the phone so much, once a week. She would call. Now? 0 relationship, I'm dead to her, and I love it. It's so nice to not have her in my life. I don't miss her AT ALL.
The one thing you didn't mention was infantilization! That is another way that narcs control you. It's horrific.
In a sense, isolation is a form of infantilisation. Although, I do agree it should have had it's own segment.
I experienced a lot of these things. After my dad died I was pretty much left to raise myself because my mother couldn't be bothered unless others were watching and it made her look good. I didn't have to take care of her. It was more like we were roommates and she paid all the bills.
Sums up how I was raised. Ever since I began listening to you Mr. Wise. Flashbacks have hit me hard this past month. That stress is onto my health. 😢
You are not alone.
Had flashbacks for a year after my mother died. It’s rather freaky. I thought I would just be relieved but then it started. Things are finally calming down.
Thank you @maggie & @Dbb for sharing your input. It is obvious how many of us need to, & can be healed.
Me too. I wish I could forget and move on. ❤
I feel like I am the only person who wants off the planet. I am 55 and tired. So tired. My soul is gone. It was beautiful. It died and needs to go back to where I came from. It was 75 % percent hell.
Feel like I wrote this comment. I'm right there with you, I'm just so tired! My new parents and family have been through youtube, listening to the following wonderful people; Louise Hay, Napoleon Hill, Brian Tracy, Jim Rohn, T. Harv Eker, Dani Johnson, Les Brown and others.
@@rdwrer1331 Means a lot. More then you know. 🌬💋 Thankyou.
In my family, I didn't think it was normal, nor will I ever. I knew something was off/dysfunctional, but what can you do when you're a kid. My mom and my ex-spouse have high covert traits (trying not to diagnose), but they manifest very differently and different abusive tactics.
With all the things I'd share if you were a therapist...I can't even get a plate for food without being criticized. Overtime especially viewing these sort of videos...been seeing why more an more my sibling went NC.
My mother was an ignoring narcissist, so some of the above did not happen. Most of the verbal abuse - and what I now realise was open dislike - started when I was about 14. I don’t even remember her, which is weird as I was an only child. She just wasn’t “there”. However, whether engulfing or ignoring, all narcissist parents have no real empathy for their children ( though may on occasion show lots of empathy to others 🤮 !). They do not see their children or their adult children. They only see themselves.
My covert narc mom has tried to make me carry her issues. She has had many men since my biological father and has expected me to like them as much as her!? When I try to ask for boundaries ie not showing up at my home without letting me know she plays a cry bully to everyone and call me a terrible person😢 This stuff never gets easier you just get more sensitive to it. Thank you for your information ❤❤
I look like the girl in the thumbnail right now my mascara all smudged from crying after the narc I was living with went threw my belongings out his front door into the snow because I asked why you would threaten to kill my goldfish. I'm realizing the narc is exactly like my dad and the abuse my dad gave me before I want no contact
I think this strange angry type of behavior is being accepted more in regular society than in the past. Maybe there are so many families like this that it is spreading to places it wasn't before in society. I was shocked recently that a young doctor was finding fault and not at all professional. She did not help but blamed me for having the issue I was talking to her about. She was yelling even though she is supposed to be the professional. I didn't react to her at all in the office, but now I am going to talk to the practice administrator. I was just so surprised that I didn't say anything.
Hopefully you are in an area where there are other doctors you can see.
I'm not sure what is going to happen but, I'm hoping for someone else at this practice. It's strange what passes for "professional " behavior. Bullying the patient isn't professional.@@Dbb27
Narcissists are another species and they have outbred us. They are everywhere. Long ago they required a blood test for marital compatibility. There was a reason for that....It's even in the Bible about the other seedline...Genesis 3:15, Psalm 58:3-5.
I was 8 years old when I started to feel like my Father was treating me weirdly… I just convinced myself this behavior was normal in every household. He got worse over the years, toward both my mom and I. We moved out when I was 15, he didn’t know untill 3 days before. I am now 17, and only just cut him off completely. I am now batteling the MANY side effects.. I am constantly anxious and jittery… and i’m actually not sure what to do…
My mom has encuraged listening to videos, to get some clarity. Right now it’s just difficult to concentrate.
Hi I am a 44 female who has a narcissist father. I never understand why he dislike me so much compared to my other siblings who are constantly spoiled. My father is a workaholic and alcoholic who isolates himself from everyone. He has ruined my life so many times. if I can recommended you from woman to woman save yourself by detachment and go try to live your own life.
Every damned one of these resonates, it's so sad to think of the years that have been stolen from me and how socially stunted I am, how poorly I function, just doing basic things that most people take for granted like going to work and getting back is such a huge insurmountable task for me, it is absolute torture to have to be around others too, going out anywhere causes such panic and anxiety....
This is so heartbreaking but I guess it’s really accepting reality of all that I endured 😩😮💨 I can’t pretend it didn’t happen anymore
Sometimes reality really sucks, but living a life mired in confusion not only sucks worse, but it keeps you from healing.
Get some help to face the truth, please.
You are worth it.
Did anyone have a mother who tried to take away things you never wanted in the first place to manipulate you? I wasn’t allowed to have anything unless my mother wanted it so she had nothing to take away from me. Then it was my fault that she had nothing to manipulate me with.
I had a husband who never gave me a gift that wasn't something he wanted. He waved around an ad for a Bose system and kept going on about it. I didn't care. Any guesses what "I" got my next birthday....?
Although for me it never came in the form of a gift, my mother was much like that. She would have me take part in things she wanted and treat it like she was doing me a favor. She would threaten to take these things away from me. By the time I got to be a teen I answered those threats with “Promise?”. It would anger her and she would convince herself that I was attempting reverse psychology.
I had a npd dad growing up and this entire list is spot on with my experiences. The way I was treated like I didnt have a self/ego has been very debiletating as an adult.getting run over by anyone who wanted to control me and I had no way of stopping them. Never seen a therapist cos so much was "normal" to me despite feeling lost and hopeless many many times. Then I tried a Pcilocybin mushroom trip. OMG! I had flashbacks of times my npd dad was over the top abusive mentally and I remember I felt something break in me that time 25 years ago. then 1 week later all of a sudden I felt this rush of energy release in my body and then in my head making me scowl like Clint Eastwood does in any old western movie.I felt my self/ego was reborn and ever since then I know where to draw the line with people trying to exploit me. Psykedelics used right can be a powerful tool in addition to treatment for us who are npd survivors.I also had an spiritual awakeing in that trip so my view on this life existance has become better for it.mother earth touched my tormented soul and I felt my self/soul became one with the universe for a brief moment. I feel blessed and very far along the healing path :D
Incredibly normalizing, elucidating, sad and helpful. Thank you, Dr. Wise.
I wasn't allowed to go over and play at other friends' homes except in very rare instances- friends always had to come over to my house, and again, it was on rare occasions. My mom always used the excuse of "I don't know their parents" or "They're not Christians". (I was born in Utah, so all my friends were either Mormon or secular) After we moved to the PNW and I was getting older, I wasn't allowed to leave the yard or go see neighbor kids without express permission from Mom. When she decided it was time for us to come home she would stand on the porch and yell our names. It was embarrassing.
One of my old friends recounts the first time she came to visit at our house. A neighbor boy saw us outside and wanted to play. He asked us to come with him for a minute to help get some toys/things from his yard. As soon as we got back to my house, Mom started screaming at my sister and me for leaving the yard. She spanked us while our friend was there and grounded us. (I was probably around age 9 at the time) Our friend had to go home while we were in our bedrooms crying. Can you imagine that being your first memory of playing with a new friend?
The truth is that my parents have an exceptionally unhealthy relationship and are abusive on many levels, so every effort was made to make things look "normal" to outsiders while hiding all of their dysfunction and abuse. My dad is an overt narcissist and Mom is covert, but becoming more overt with time. My sister became particularly nasty and narcissistic at an early age, with a side of histrionics. I went from being the mascot to the black sheep and scapegoat. My relationship with them is purely transactional at this point. As for social interactions? I never learned how to do that properly and feel self-conscious around other people. I never learned how to do "normal girl things"- it wasn't even until I was 18 that a Mary Kay lady showed me how to do basic skincare and makeup application.
I prefer to self-isolate.... but I am also obligated to go through the motions and engage with the family for the holidays- I am expected to spend time with my parents and shower my sister with dozens of quality gifts, while she gives me random things she finds on sale at Ross. (She does not lack money and likes to rub her husband's status in peoples faces) I don't ask for anything because I know I'll be disappointed. Example: I finally mentioned a CD I'd like a copy of. It's around $13 on Amazon, but my sister gave me an old, used copy with a scratched disc. I dread this time of year.
You are not obligated to go through the motions and engage with the family for the holidays. You owe these people nothing. Take the money you would have spent on these people and do something you enjoy instead of seeing them. Seriously, if you need to go No Contact, do it - save yourself from these people
Learn to set boundaries for yourself. Just because you think you're "expected" to give lots of nice gifts to your sister doesn't mean you have to. Life is what you allow it to be. Get educated on narcissistic behaviors and how you can heal and get healthy from them.
Sounds like you are independent financially. Time to claim emotional independence. Best Thanksgiving I ever spent was by myself after leaving a narcissistic marriage. Hugs.
If you're financially independent just don't go. Be busy with work or sick.
@amberinthemist7912 I'm self-employed. I'm thinking about suddenly being "out of town on a surprise trip with my BF" ;-)
I always feel much closer to nice strangers than to family. I see how that’s an effect of endless mind f’n. The worst part was really my pollyanna enabler mother. I now can’t help but consider her deeply delusional. Particularly because she is a therapist and should know better.
My mother has been an enabler, which is hard for me to accept. She is a very loving person, but didn’t adequately protect my sister, me, and herself from my father’s rage, criticism, and belittling impatience and irritation. She suffers from a delusion that it wasn’t as bad as it really was.
❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥💯 a lot of people even some physicians gaslight! Religious leaders gaslight!
I dropped religion 12 yrs ago. Best decision of my life.
When you think that something is normal, you are not only more likely to tolerate it from others, but you are also more likely to do it yourself onto others. And then it becomes harder for you to realize that it was never normal; to admit that it was never acceptable, neither when your parents were doing it, nor when you are doing it.
Even though I know all this, it is still so painful to hear it spelled out like that :(
You just described my life, especially feeling the need to take care of everyone else and attracting those who need taking care of. I think older generations considered many of these abuses as "good parenting skills". No, they're not. They're harmful behaviors that need to stop. Now I have the power to step away from the toxic ones. Thank you for your educational videos! 😊
Im so glad I've found this channel. Thank you Jerry! I still find myself surrounded by narcissistic people or people lacking in empathy because their behaviour is familiar. It's almost like I'm more comfortable with those people than with functional people because I know how to handle their toxic behaviour, whereas normal ways of relating make me feel vulnerable. My teens and twenties were blighted by poor self image and isolation. Because of the emotional neglect and abuse I experienced growing up in a family emotionally devastated by my fathers alcoholism and my mothers bitterness, its only now that I'm starting to learn how to parent myself at almost 35 years old!
Im 69. You’re figuring things out at a great age. Good for you. Don’t lament the past time you lost. Just know whatever you go through figuring everything out so early leaves you the rest of your life to live in peace.
@@Dbb27 this comment is very comforting thank you. I do tend to wish things had been different, but I'm realising more and more why things have been the way they were and letting go. The last couple of years have been very eye opening.
Good job! It's never too late. I was also isolated in my teens and twenties. It sucks when the years that are supposed to be fun are filled with abuse and insecurity. But we can get better!! As the previous person said, we can learn from it to avoid patterns in the future.
Expectations? There were none on me, I could have been a doctor and not be good enough anyway. She was ashamed I was alive. My being alive was a constant reminder of the mistake of becoming pregnant as a late teenager with a foreign man and being denied an abortion. The only thing to do was for me to break the contact nine years after she lost custody of me at 14.
But the damage was done and I have had only narcissistic and some psychopathic guys who have kept damaging me. The stories Ive heard about them after leaving them are pure horror as to what they have done to women. One of them actually murdered his own wife who bore him 4 children. She had to be resusitated and now lives with brain damage. She's not even 50! I am now 46, live in complete isolation and am dead afraid of people. Therapy hasnt helped one bit because the therapists around here have no knowledge of this unless you get a private psychologist and they're too expensive. The city refuses me anymore therapy aswell so I'm screwed for life.
What cluster B can do to you is... Beyond any evil you could ever imagine.
I’m deeply sorry you’ve suffered so much. I hope you find healing, and find hope and happiness, which you deserve.
@@styracosaurusqvt4841 3 weeks ago I got out of a contact with a guy who had antisocial personality disorder. It was the last relationship I will ever dare to have considering I've attracted these types since I was 14 because of my mothers abuse. (A classic case, thats how it goes)
I believe these days we need to isolate from others because most of them have gone insane. I dont believe healing is possible anymore, I cant afford the kind of therapy I need so theres no real chance but to stay alive I can possible do and thats by isolation. I believe what we are seeing now is 2 Timothy 3 and Romans 1 18-32. It's all in there about mankinds state.
I hope you make it, you sound kind. The world will shortly get much MUCH worse than now so prepare all you can, my friend..Prepare.
My parens sometimes blamed me when they were fighting. I had to try to calm both of them down. My father has tried to be nice but suddenly when I told him not to talk like "why are you like that?!" to my two-year-old he started saying I'm the problem. He calls my child to ask "were you outside today?" or asks me "did she get to play with other kids today or was it just the two of you?" Everytime I try to protect her, or myself, my mum and dad look at each other like I'm absolutly crazy. Or mum hides away. My body goes in this weird "no, nothing's wrong!" state even though logically it doesn't seem to be right. At all. These are of course just "little" things there are many more things they say.
Thank you for hearing us. You get it! I am just about ready to choose homelessness over living with them any longer. My sister and I are in our 50’s, share a room and kept like children. I know some of this is my responsibility. I believe I need them and can’t stop…but I WANT to.
Start small. You can do this. Stay strong.
Praying helps 🕊️🙏
Would you like us to pray for you?
⭐
Have you or your sister ever lived on your own? Remember that old Billy Joel song, “My life?” Great motivational song for getting away and doing your own thing.
Thank you so much! You just explained my entire life... just when you think your healing journey is almost done you realize there is no much more that i drag around with me from my growing up times.... I dont say child hood because I really didnt have one. Maybe thats why I am still a kid at heart...
69. I think I am done and more pops up. It’s pretty strange. I think it’s always going to be there like a TV playing in another room but the volume keeps getting lower and lower.