I can't stop thinking that they are not worthy because they can't, they do not have the tools. This is the challenge: to understand it, feel compassion for them while holding healthy boundaries not to be hurt again, to protect myself. Am I a hopeless case? 😅 Thank you for your answers. Maybe it's too soon for this, I want and I need to heal. Thanks 🙏
@el567abc It"s understandable to feel that way. Having compassion doesn't mean that you have to associate with them or excuse wrong behaviour. You"re not a hopeless case; it can feel tough sometimes. Keep going. It"s worth it.
Their patterns are switched like you are your own abuser and they are watching and blaming you. Normal patterns are like supporting you in your health after or in these situations and blaming the did to you people. Spiritually it can be unsolved karma by both groups but the difference is big.People who find their rights in the abuse are getting healed,people who watch the scene and blaming the situation on the abuseds are still in their karmas... one reason of the seperation later on.Cause the abuseds can be healed.The abusers and passive watchers are normally not healed as blame is easier and fits better in the society.
Healing from narcissistic abuse does feel like swimming upstream in a river of societal shame. But what’s worth it is freedom you find after the journey.
Exactly. I've recently come to a new understanding that has enabled me to give other people the space they need, understanding they need, and in return it gives me the understanding I've always needed.
@@emilyf.5 I'm in my late 30s and stopped chasing people years ago. To me, it's not worth the insanity. If you're not interested in me, why should I be interested in you?" Is the way I look at it. I've tried to reach out to other people in my family system, and they all have the same attitude towards. the abuse that the people who actually raised me have and have had in the past.
Dr. Ramani nailed it , going through this now, lucky to have a good friend that has been down this road and understands and encourages me to keep moving forward .
Narcissist tell everyone a one sided story, but never the truth of how they mistreated you. So of course they side with them. They have no idea of what you went through as they never experienced the kind of abuse a narcissist does. Especially to their significant other.
So true. 😔 Those who are dismissive of narc survivors and our trauma are *the worst.* I have, before, found myself feeling like I needed to _explain_ myself and _prove_ the validity of my feelings, and the situation; throwing me right back into the same dark hole that the narc previously put me in. It’s an awful, awful feeling.
Yes I have had the same experience although I have been fortunate enough to have a few close relatives who were able to confirm my experience when I finally started talking about it nearly forty years later. Gotta love the idiots who say things like “but it’s your mother”🤮🤢
It's certainly a lesson into not letting what other people think affect us, i.e. not getting our validation from the outside. Sometimes, I think it's the purpose of the whole "lesson"...
Thanks for your comment. My golden child/covert narc sister ( she is a doctor) has reached out to me as she found out I had a surgery...a legit way for her to cross the boundary I have set for her...phew...I get really triggered...and know what you mean...
I can’t stand the dismissive toxic positivity invalidating polly-anna’s who act like I’m being ungrateful unforgiving and negative when I tell the truth of what the abusers did and exert healthy boundaries. It’s messed up. So tired of it all. Remembering it’s not me. Prioritizing my life. Seeking safe supports and determining who is worthy of seeing the whole me and who is not. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I find that as I get older and have learned more about narcissism, I have gotten less willing to tell myself that someone in my life is a narcissist, but much more willing to simply conclude they are bad for me, for whatever reason. And because I have dealt with a number of clear narcissists, I now know what to do. I cut them out of my life, whether they are narcissists or not. And when a friend tells me about someone they are dealing with who seems like a narcissist, I tell them that I think that person is a narcissist. And if someone rolls their eyes at me for doing this, I write them off as an enabler.
You got the eye roll down. I actually tried to search for a wrist watch with sound effects, so I could tap a button and add sound effects to the rude listeners eye rolls.
As a teenager in a depressive episode, the woman who raised me said, "You can choose to be happy or depressed; it's all in your head." I wanted to tell her, "Walk in my shoes for an hour, then say that," but anything I said was considered'talking back' so I stayed silent.
Your real father and mother is God, not this woman. U r z child of God. Pray for God to bless her and set u free. Soon u ll be free studying in college away from her. I v been there. I m 50 and peaceful now since 17yo when i left Mt family to study
🫂 🌹 Yes, It's often the people doing the abuse or uninterested in our mental health, that throws those kinds of harmful advice at us. They're often the cause of the depression and not the remedy.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! You are a god send to this horrible world filled with cruel narcissistic people🙏 I hope one day you win a nobel prize. I’ll be cheering for you.👏👏👏👏😀😀😀😀. I wish you could be my in person therapist. I am also a survivor here.😔
There are people out there who will react with relief that they are not so all alone. But there is also a proverb about having to kiss a thousand frogs to find them.
This is exactly why survivors need to write and tell their stories ❤ How freaking dare this jerk say its navel gazing self absorption. It took me 2 yeats after i was in the right mental space to even feel like i had the right to speak about my life and of course i could never do that directly. And yet they'd be like oh my God that is so horrible if it was the narc telling their bs. Eff this crap. "In the stillness of remembering what you had, and what you lost, who says what you had, you know what you lost" - Dreams, Fleetwood Mac, The Dance
My cousins never understood the amount of trauma I have been through. It hurts because my reality keeps being denied even when he was inflicted more pain again. I had to pull away from the whole thing but it made me sad because I didn’t just lose a father, I lost a whole extended family. With my mother & both sets grandparents passed away, there’s no tie to them anymore. It has its freedom but it’s also very lonely. Narcissistic abuse wreaks lives.
I lost my extended family too. It was either a family full of narcissists and flying monkeys or living my life alone. And I chose my life, I feel soo sane.
I shared a comment to my cousin in law when she asked me a question. She then told me I shouldn't share that kind of thing with people. She is actually a very nice person and very creative. We have had nice discussions many times about our health and so I thought she was safe. I believe she told me that to protect me from others but the way it came off is that she didn't want that kind of sharing either. It hurt. I have decided to never try to share with anyone outside of my immediate family anymore. I'm 58 and I'm done being overly trusting.
I've had friends-of-friends, acquaintances, rattle off their list of ailments, mental and physical. I can guarantee you I had no idea what to do with that information in the moment or in general. All I could do is say that it sounded challenging and if they needed anything to let me know how I could help. But the level of info was not something non-professionals can be there for.
I add to the chorus below. Thank you, thank you. Been there, done that. People want you to share when 1) it is totally superficial and 2) when it is easily "fixable". Something I have noticed as a survivor of sexual abuse. As soon as you mention it, you can feel the person emotionally step back.
My experience, exactly! This is why I don't share anything other than superficial, with anyone. No one gets it, and no one has the capacity to hear and understand.
I've listened to someone who shared a very personal abusive experience they went through and because I am an HSP I started crying. It wasn't taken well at all by the person sharing their story-they asked me why I was crying. I said "because it's sad I am sorry this happened to you". I realized afterwards maybe my crying was seen as selfish, despite that not being the intent. It made me feel strange... Like I was questioning whether my emotional response was not appropriate and I definitely felt like next time I should just have a blank expression on my face and block all my emotions inside... Essentially not act natural. What do you make of that? Was my response of crying inappropriate? And showing emotions like crying in such a context is bad? I'm so very confused.
I'm so sorry this happened! I feel your response was natural and completely warranted. The person telling you about their experience may have just not known how to react to your reaction. Particularly if they have shared this experience before and had been dismissed or invalidated. I wouldn't doubt yourself ❤ Thank you for listening to that person that needed you to hear it!
@@kerrawhite444 Thank you for your reply. I find comfort in your words. I will just continue to trust my own emotions... That crying in a situation such as that is ok if it's my normal emotional response. 🙏
I was told to "stop wallowing in self-pity" by my best friend and she told me to instead "just be happy for other people who have it better than you," "Choose to be happy," "Your past has no influence on who you choose to be now, you're the one choosing to be miserable and anxious," etc.
Oh, and the good thing about being honest is that you can genuinely assess how you were damaged, because you can understand yourself clearly. This allows you to actually resolve your issues. Playing into this philosophy of hers risks your identity on the sunk costs fallacy. It will be harder to drop the act once you've kept it up, because then you have to take accountability for halting your own progress. That's unlikely. Accountability is rare enough. Sorry for the double text. Hope this helped. ❤
Whenever people ask me about my narc family and I reply with the truth, they feel very uncomfortable about it. "You're so negative" is a phrase I've heard many times.
Dr. Ramani, your insights, compassion, and transparency are life-altering. Thank you so much for your work. You are making a difference for so many of us.
Nail on head again Dr Ramani!!! Thanks. You can FEEL it falls on deaf ears, they don't do deep heartfelt responses. It took 20 years of this until I spoke to one canny old bird over the garden gate. She listened then she uttered 4 words which indicated to me she was actively listening. Those 4 words 'STREET ANGEL - HOUSE DEVIL.' was an expression I'd never heard before at the time but totally encapsulated the whole situation around my narcissistic ex-husband. Boy was I relieved. You do the same in your videos, you VALIDATE those of us out here trying to get to the bottom of this nonsense, which is all it is.... toxic nonsense, like the woke brigade LOL. Thank you for all that you do for all of us out here. God bless. xxx
Maybe more people would figure out the truth earlier, I was scapegoated as a child and alienated from my children after divorcing my narcissistic husband- and was gaslit to believe it was all my fault, my children still believe the lies and manipulation 😞 so devastating- thank you for all your work 🙏
I have and continue to experience of divorcing an narcissist who was awarded sole custody, in getting away with accusing me of parental alienation for the children being scared of him and fighting not go every time (50/50 custody court order to begin with that never worked for the children) they were made to be with him. He then 'legally' got to truly and completely alienate me over the many years they were completely cut off from me, their parent they felt safe and secure with, cared for and loved by. Now all three sons have gone no contact with me and blocked me for having talked a little bit about what actually happened, how afraid they were of him and begged not to go and what they said was happening when they were with him, which I did try to protect them from. Instead they were cut off from me who they trusted. Now they perceive me as the narcissist, one is spending tens of thousands of dollars with therapist Dr. Ross Rosenberg, who has been instrumental in my son no longer speaking, seeing or communicating with me. It's unreal, that he has not helped my son explore how it felt losing his mom from his life overnight when he was only 9 years old and understood how abandoned my son was made to feel by that cruel court order which his dad used as a club to constantly threaten them with. Dr. Ramani is one of the very few who actually gets all aspects of narcissist abuse, even though many of the other experts producing content and writing books on the subject are missing what is being done to the children and the effects on adult children who were forced to live with and have the narcissist as their only parent and role model.
Yes. It's tough enough for someone traumatized to seek out and ask for help. It's even worse, when they are met with either disinterested concern and zero assistance or made to feel they are being unreasonable or overly emotional.
Yup. I was encouraged to leave my abusive ex not when I described how I was treated but instead it was when he went down the Rogan rabbit hole and bought ivermectin. My coworkers who came to my office to complain about our narc boss and the hostile work environment and our union who only focused on the professional staff instead of also us support staff wanted nothing to do with me when I had no choice but report forgeries that weren't being addressed in house. I also filed a complaint about my union to the labor relations board. During my unfortunately ultimately useless fight, even friends who weren't from my work avoided me because it made them uncomfortable to hear about what was going on with me. With everything I lost, I don't regret the people who showed their true colors during this time no longer being in my life. I finally went no contact with several family members whose breadcrumbs I had made meals out of my whole life. My world is incredibly small now, basically just me and I'm okay with that. I've been clay for others to mold as they wish my whole life so this is a great opportunity to really get to know myself and what I actually like and think- especially about myself.
"whose breadcrumbs I had made meals out of my whole life". Wow, that hit my heart like a thunderbolt. With that one phrase, you illuminated and encapsulated relationships that I've needed to end! No more breadcrumbs masquerading as banquets for me! Thank you.
LOVE this: "My world is incredibly small now, basically just me and I'm okay with that. I've been clay for others to mold as they wish my whole life so this is a great opportunity to really get to know myself and what I actually like and think- especially about myself." 👏👏 Yay! In retrospect, I woke up to myself when my social circle shrank and I never connected the two before. Knowing and liking myself for the first time in my life is 100% worth my lost ILLUSIONS about those people. And now I have the discernment, self-love, and comfort enforcing boundaries to risk letting GOOD people in. That's a win-win, not the tragedy I sometimes feel about losing so many people. *THANK YOU for this helpful reframe!* 😃❤
My narcissistic abuse by my ex husband was outright mocked by the woman who calls herself my “best friend” because she has been the victim of domestic violence and believes I am co-opting her story for attention and “coolness points.” (Direct quote on that last one.) I just stopped telling her stuff.
So, only she can be the victim, or victimized? Maybe she needs all the attention and all the empathy? I would walk slowly towards the door and then run. This is not a friend.
@@Sweetpea-2023 oh she loves playing the victim. Actually it’s her treatment of me that led me to this channel/community because she is a narcissist herself. I am trying to work through my issues from my marriage as well as a 22-year complex female friendship.
@@christinelamb1167 I would love to be able to send her packing. She is a narcissist herself, and I have given her slack for 22 years because her abusive upbringing has left her with C-PTSD and addiction issues, and I admit I pity her. Also, she can do some damage to my life so I have some fears about leaving the friendship.
@@tonymartos2922 You’re not a fool. But I felt that way too, until I realized I trusted, believed, gave the benefit of the doubt etc, because that’s a reflection of who I am. It’s easy to trick someone who doesn’t know a game is being played. Now that you know act accordingly. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. Give yourself the same grace, compassion and kindness you showed them. You are not foolish, you’re probably a good person who couldn’t comprehend that someone who said they loved you could be so devious and malicious. At least that was my story. Forgive yourself.
In my experience, feeling like a fool is a part of narcissistic abuse. They are always superior to you, you feel dumb/incapable. They gaslight, blame and behave as you are the problem (at any type of conflict, regardless you make a mistake etc.): so you find yourself thinking of yourself, your shortcomings, which everyone has. You think about what you do and so on. So your attention is diverted from them to you. You can feel like the worst person ever when they shame you, treat you badly. As you feel that, shame is projected on to you and you become paralyzed. You can't take a step back and look at how they're treating you. They blind you, in multiple ways: love bombing, gaslighting, invalidating your reality/experiences, crazy making, inflicting their toxic shame into you. And they feel joy in positioning the other as a fool, when the other person actually only trusted, loved, treated them as humans, gave them chances, and wanted and made efforts to make the relationship better, wanted the good times with them. They want you to feel, think lesser of yourself, it makes them feel superior, they get their narcissistic supply. I used "you" but I am talking about me. As cringy it may sound but being compassionate towards myself helped me have a better relationship with myself. I mean I still experience feeling like a fool quite a bit, being compassionate with myself takes the weight of their mean voice off at least. My narcissistic parents usually downplayed values like compassion, care, and praised qualities like being intelligent, getting higher education etc. so much that it feels inferior to feel like a fool. My mom even made me take an IQ test when I was a child just because I was slow in my movements. I was probably a bit depressed or afraid to make a mistake so I slowed down. Now I ask myself on the inside: what if being a fool isn't that inferior? What if other qualities are more important?
Well Dr Ramani has also fallen for it. Many intelligent, incredible people have. And if you grew up around any toxic behavior or people high in narcissist traits then you are attracted to what feels familiar not just familiar but it’s natures way of working through your trauma. It’s understandable and unfortunately sometimes necessary
Yeah, so many people confuse TRAUMA discussion vs TRAUMA DUMPING. Then there are those that whether they realize it or not, are actually triggered because they do know people like this, but would rather separate themselves from it/them.
Yes, the narcs love to come to channels such as this and make their ridiculous comments! I have seen it here, and other other narc abuse recovery channels. Most of the time I ignore them, but once in a while I can't help myself, and I respond back! I usually regret it, though.
Sure. My ex narc does this... as she's been doing a dirty long smear campaing trying to destroy me, many crimes, so she kept coming all groups on narc learning working to keep her facade and crimes hiden and twisted... and as she spread edited intimacy pics to many people and social media calling me as a predator or such, I decided to do something other than just to stay away/no contact, and only since then, after I started to show also picts of her (in the lovebombing phase) she (and/or her flying monķeys) became less encouraged ...!
People who do this … I just don’t see how they have so much time on their hands! Don’t they have anything better to do than put down people who they don’t know and don’t care about? Guess not.
Careful not to speak your mind on them, YT may ban your comments for hate speech lol. My other account just got hit for educating on terminology for such people
Wow this is exactly what I'm going through right now. Your content is so on point Doc! Thank you for making me feel heard and seen, safe and validated. ❤❤❤
“Disdain for your pain” = toxic invalidation. Emotionally bruised people have to be extra careful who they tell their story to. Some people have no tolerance for your pain and their indifference/ dismissiveness can make it worse.
5:01 Yep! When I cautiously let an old "friend" who'd let me down into my life again on a trial basis because she'd been to therapy and seemed to have grown, she talked at length about her current problems and the ongoing impact of her troubled childhood. I gave her empathy and compassion. When **I** talked about similar things, I got window dressing like "you're entitled to your feelings" but also her same old judgmental messages that I'm supposedly too sensitive, interpret things wrong, and am LETTING myself stay trapped in the past (as if CPTSD is a choice!). Hypocrisy much!? 🧐🙄 Byeee! I'm SO GLAD I've done the work to be able to recognize toxic people in ways I couldn't before and LET THEM GO! 😃🍀❤ *THANK YOU, Dr. Ramani!!!* ❤
I’m sure many of these people who blame and shame survivors are narcissists as well. Maybe they’re too afraid of confronting narcissists. Or maybe there’s just something in them that makes them hate victims. Because naturally, victims need attention and support. Victims may often be demanding. And narcissists don’t have anything to give. It reminds me of some of the cases where narcissistic mothers murdered their own children.
A friend told me her mother had murdered her children two of them she also tried to kill herself. The children died she was set free and they had 5 more children. Yes she was a narcissist!
My brain always tells me not to read the comments, but I feel compelled to. Bullies are rampant online, and people will disagree with you and say the most unhinged things just to get a reaction. Sometimes, I fall into the trap because of my moral values. Statistics show most abuse and unalivings is familial or someone we are dating or married to. My doom scrolling is true crime. 😢
Thank you so much for discussing this critical topic with us. Self-respect and self-love are my guards against dismissiveness. I am blessed with very few friends, and they are all true gems and close to my heart.
I just wanted to say that it really would‘ve been a good message if your book was on there too! I‘m doing an internship in Portugal (I‘m a psych student) and I visited a very small unknown town. In the town was a little library where students learned. There were a few books in Portuguese to buy. I was soooo happy to saw your book „It’s not you“ lying there! It was in Portuguese but I could detect it because of the cover. I would’ve never expected it there because it‘s not a comercial shop with many new books, but you could buy it there. Even if there are jerks on a daily level, your message is studies around the world as I write this. Unfortunately we encounter many jerks on a daily basis but I think they are the ones who feel threatened because they start to recognize that the dynamics can change and people are being provided with tools to leave the abusers. They don‘t like that and talk it down but they cannot stop the knowledge that keeps being shared over and over. You seem like a modest human being so I don‘t think you are very proud of yourself but you really should be!
I was just recently trying to get help for codependency online by reading articles and watching videos and in the comments were some of the most hateful and harsh words said about people struggling with codependency. I won’t repeat what was said but it was unbelievable. And it was a lot of people.
I have few friends, and few of them understand. I have mostly quit reaching out. Even the nicest often only wants good news, happy happy happy, toxic positivity. The not so nice, hoo boy. As one dear friend said, "That's just not right," as if that fixes it. I learned to say nothing about what I now hear called CPTSD.
10000 % accurate. I grew up with a narcissistic mom, my elder sister being the golden child and least rebellious always supports mom and I'm the ungrateful daughter.
Thankful my friends and family aren’t like this. Of course the narcissist accuses me of being the abuser, which can contribute to society being confused who is actually the disordered person. But I have psych evals now. It’s not me!
I've struggled with my recovery because of invalidating opinions of family. I've been gray rocking some to save myself from their voices. I've realized it's important to have a validating voice, like a mental health professional, to help navigate these situations. If you're reading this, keep believing in and advocating for yourself.
I've been called a Narcissist for sharing my life experiences on social media. Ppl say I'm attention seeking to share a personal story relevant to the topic.
Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏 I have so much appreciation for your wise and kind guidance. At 60 years old, I've just learned about oversharing from one of your videos and it's given me so much understanding of my behavior. I have no friends, only my coworkers, and recently, I caught myself oversharing, only to be met with yet another narcissistic person who then took what I told her in confidence and used it against me. She began disrespecting me when I was in a supervisor role. This isn't the first time this has happened rather on many other occasions when gently trying to explain a work policy I was met with hostility and yelling "don't tell me what to do" then telling me I was a bully that has no management material. This last time, however, I decided enough and filed a complaint with our labour relations department. I'm so afraid of the repercussions of this decision even though I know it was the right thing to do. There will be a meeting, and now I feel it might cause retaliation.
People can only hold space for others at the depth they've held space for themselves. Most people haven't done their work and perpetuate emotional neglect. They're emotionally shallow.
Im learning more and more, to be very, very selective about social media consumption. It has certainly derailed my healing more than once. I try to go only to places where I know my feeling will be affirmed and supported. I hope someday to be able to handle more of the mainstream fray, but for now, I know I have to protect myself while I heal.
What really sucks is this complex trauma that some of US try to pretend is not there, comes out and we knew what was happening when it was we knew that there was abuse coming from 2-3 different places at once to try and make us "seem crazy" and then have to pretend none of its going on. Living in a world where everywhere you turn everyone is fake and all you can do is be nice and try so hard to make it clear that you ARE raising your child well and you ARE well and eat even through the abuse. I had absolutely no one while I was being extremely abused but my phone. RUclips like Dr Ramani and God got me through what I needed and on to my next hell full of being blamed and told I'm broken(well me telling them to defend myself of course) from the gaslighting I endured and how it feels like it's still going on. No one around you understands or cares to bc they have they're own issues. Everyone will know know what happened to me and what more than one or 2 or 3 people did to me
One of your best and most important videos. Thank you. I've been through the abuse. It's just cruel. A nightmare of the worst kind. The subtle or less subtle dismissal by inlaws or relatives is painful and highly discouraging. A friend who listens without judgement is such a blessing. It can save you from going insane. One other thing that helps me a lot is letting go of anger and instead learn to show compassion. Some people just don't understand. Having compassion and patience with them helps me from becoming bitter. ❤ At some point in your life you have to accept what happened and find a way to take things lightly and with some humor again. That's not to dismiss any of the insanity you had to endure, but it's a way for you to slowly get your life back. 👊
Thank you Dr. Ramani for being a much needed safe place. Each time I feel pulled under by waves of realization that the best gifts I put on the table were treated with contempt, I look to the content you made and can surface enough to get some air and to locate the shore I need to reach. Thank you and bless you!
My mom was my first gaslighter when she told me not to tell people about my mental illness as a teenager. I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking Prozac. She said people would judge me and I said I think you're more worried about people judging you. I don't care about other people's opinions. Now at the age of 50 and 4 months deep into NO CONTACT... I still don't care. If you can't hear me and see what has been done to me, you're not on my team to start. I'll tell anyone and everyone about what happened to me because ignoring it all and listening to people who don't have my best interest at heart, isn't going to heal me.
Dr. Ramani you are so understanding about all kinds of abuse. May you continue your fantastic work helping people heal. May God bless you. And...I love your lavender chair. 😊
Finding new friends and support groups isn’t easy but we must be patient, discerning and respectful towards ourselves to notice those people who dismiss and invalidate our feelings and experiences. It’s up to us to choose who we want to associate with.
The worst comment came from my sister, after I had gotten out and was still slowly recovering. It was "you picked him". (victim blaming much??) Now that I am older, and more researched, clearly it shows a lack of understanding by outsiders that narcs/abusers put on a false front until you are committed. But also now that I am older, I do think the sister is borderline narc - always has demanded to be the centre of attention, and has no problem lying to get what she wants. Very stealthy Narc-Lite I reckon.
The only way I could ever tell that I was not being selfish, was by comparing my grievances with those of the narcissists. "Am I not an equal with them?" Why would I not deserve at least as much recognition for my wants and desires, as that which the narcissist receives? It is at that point that I come to realize that those who afford the narcissist his/her desires, but deny the same to me, have chosen to value the narcissist more than they value me. These are not people I continue to maintain contact with. It has to be a conscious effort, because I automatically think I am not worthy. I must resist such thinking.
I recently moved from the Dallas area back to my parents home in Ohio. I’m a veteran and I talked to counselor. I told her about getting divorced from my narcissistic husband. I cried and cried talking about my horrible marriage. She actually sympathized with me. She could tell how my ex treated me. The counselors in Dallas brushed off the notion of him being a narcissist. I have been struggling to wrap my head around what happened the last 9 years.
Hold on to your truth . There is so many people out there without any notion about narcissistic abuse even so called therapists. Good luck finding one. Until then stay tuned To Dr Ramani, my safe place To land 🦋
Dr. Ramani, please don’t give your power and control away by all that is said out there. Hold your power and keep sharing your truth. Hold strong. There’s a slew of all kinds of thoughts and opinions out there. The heck with them. Stay true to you and your foundation. My Dad taught me all this when I was a kid. Absolute priceless and timeless Life principle. 💜
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This is true. Having been a subject of narcissistic ritualistic abuse before, I was being taken advantage of as though not having rights. It is the worst form of abuse. It is astounding to me in modern society this abuse goes on. There needs to be regulatory controls to protect individual rights so that individuals do not get caught in a vortex of narcissistic abuse.
I've seen something similar before in other contexts, on Internet forums where people open up and discuss ways of overcoming health problems, for instance, revealing personal details to people who are sympathetic. Then some troll shows up, posing as an expert, and shames these people, who are likely to be vulnerable to typical social bullying tactics. There are certain people with a keen sense of how to punch buttons to get emotional responses that they can feed their egos with. (In fact, I think we've been calling them "narcissists.") A concerted search, trying out typical emotional triggers to fnd my vulnerable spots is often the first clue I have to distance myself from someone.
So beautifully and eloquently put. I have been watching your videos for years after a very severely abusive relationship. You have helped me a lot. This one really hit the nail on the head with a lot of people I used to have to deal with. It’s a shame, but then we figure out we need better friends and supportive circles. Thank you so much for all you do❤
I learned long ago to not share abuse inflicted by other people to friends or family. Most of the time it’s safer, especially if dealing with a covert narcissist. Lots of silent endurance at times.😢
Some people are just idiots and that's a fact. I think the most important thing is to heal the shame we carry in private with ourselves thrue self compassion and patience with ourselves. The more we truly love ourselves and realize that shame belongs to the abusers the more likely we are to redirect the shame towards the idiot writing stupid things to break our souls. I am grateful for the empathetic bundles that I can find in contents like yours Dr Ramani thank you❤
This!!!! Having an abusive mother with most likely at least a couple personality disorders (back when none of them were talked about) and a father with diagnosed bipolar/schizoaffective disorder… Guess which one was the more nurturing and parent while the other one used my behavior issues at school on the others diagnosis of the other? Unfortunately she was my primary “caregiver”. It was something super isolating when I was in elementary-high school until I just learned to not talk about it. Then this led to lapse in judgment in partners I’ve been in long term relationships with and what I’ve been hearing a lot of lately is “it’s in the past” or “this is a new start”Like I literally had my face swollen from domestic abuse when these comments started 😂😅. Hugs to everyone who gets invalidated while they’re trying to heal and/or vent.
Thank you for this validating video! One result of my getting free from my abuser has been the drastic pruning of other relationships. It has been painful, but also necessary. There are so many folks out there who would prefer not to know. It upsets their illusion that our society and their families and their own relationships are all healthy, and that most relationships are. Acknowledging your pain makes them look at things they don’t want to see, including the fact that ANYONE, including themselves, can become a victim of abuse.
Wow Dr Ramani. You hit it out of the park again. I’ve learned to keep silent about my life being blown up by a malignant narcissist as people just don’t get it. Thank you for the validation. People only understand very surface explanations. You understand the depth of the whole nightmare. 🙂
Brilliant. The shaming comments can come from any direction. It's soul draining. On a completely different subject, can a Narcissist be Autistic, and would it be time to just end it all?
As the only one of my kind having a "spiritual awakening" triggered my true self to wake up and now coming to terms with who I am and what I've been through but the thing that keeps me stuck is the distrust in myself
It used to be hard for me to explain that my mother and I aren’t close. I stick to some facts, explain that it’s sad and that she is not well. And then I move on. But that took me many years… With my narc ex, I have zero contact and have moved on. He is still looking for ways to harm me… these people are very sick. Stay away from narcissists!
This hit me in a way I’d hidden from the pain. I’d had a very bad breakup with my long time narcissist boyfriend (we won’t get into my mother) and I had two “friends” one after the other that kind of friend love bombed me and then each one overwhelmed me with “you need to do this” or bossing me around at my most vulnerable. When I finally shut down after over sharing, they became toxic to me too! Harassment, bullying and narcissistic at me too! I felt so humiliated and shamed that I felt overwhelmed and devastated. I’d trusted them and then when I did share things they were dismissive of my thoughts and needs. Only wanted the “neat and tidy” problems to get fixed and then hear about their problems. I ended up having to go no contact with them too, as I didn’t know who I could trust to really open up and work through my next action. It was all I could do to just breathe.
Here's where it gets complicated for me, with sincerity to learn. There is often confusion about who the narcissist is. The confusion is in the survivors and bystanders. And, of course, narcissists are happy to label their victims (maybe even believe or justify it?). Also, I have heard that the ramifications of narcissistic abuse veer eerily close to narcissism. I know I did some things I was not proud of. So, I get a little defensive, personally, when I hear comments about behavior that I worry I have participated in or have been accused of participating in. It all feels very muddled and complex.
I realised quickly that people were going to feel sorry for the guy. So I kept quiet for most of the time, and let people figure it out when he turned his beams on them. I figure it's the safest way to let things out themselves.
"Some people aren"t worthy of seeing the whole you. And that, is their loss." I loved this final statement. 💜
Yes.🧡
Me too 💜
My final truth as well.❤
I can't stop thinking that they are not worthy because they can't, they do not have the tools.
This is the challenge: to understand it, feel compassion for them while holding healthy boundaries not to be hurt again, to protect myself.
Am I a hopeless case? 😅
Thank you for your answers.
Maybe it's too soon for this, I want and I need to heal. Thanks 🙏
@el567abc It"s understandable to feel that way. Having compassion doesn't mean that you have to associate with them or excuse wrong behaviour. You"re not a hopeless case; it can feel tough sometimes. Keep going. It"s worth it.
It's like childhood trauma; you get blamed for what people did to you.
Narcissistic abuse can be childhood trauma. It is for me. Only it's lasted my entire childhood and adulthood. 31.5 year so far, and going strong.
Their patterns are switched like you are your own abuser and they are watching and blaming you.
Normal patterns are like supporting you in your health after or in these situations and blaming the did to you people.
Spiritually it can be unsolved karma by both groups but the difference is big.People who find their rights in the abuse are getting healed,people who watch the scene and blaming the situation on the abuseds are still in their karmas... one reason of the seperation later on.Cause the abuseds can be healed.The abusers and passive watchers are normally not healed as blame is easier and fits better in the society.
That's exactly what they're doing. If someone does that, leave. They aren't worth what you have to offer. Victim blaming is the worst
Healing from narcissistic abuse does feel like swimming upstream in a river of societal shame. But what’s worth it is freedom you find after the journey.
Exactly. I've recently come to a new understanding that has enabled me to give other people the space they need, understanding they need, and in return it gives me the understanding I've always needed.
@@emilyf.5 I'm in my late 30s and stopped chasing people years ago. To me, it's not worth the insanity. If you're not interested in me, why should I be interested in you?" Is the way I look at it. I've tried to reach out to other people in my family system, and they all have the same attitude towards. the abuse that the people who actually raised me have and have had in the past.
Dr. Ramani nailed it , going through this now, lucky to have a good friend that has been down this road and understands and encourages me to keep moving forward .
@@vintagesilver3766 You can do it. Just keep your head up, and walk proud.
Yes, yes, & yes
Narcissist tell everyone a one sided story, but never the truth of how they mistreated you. So of course they side with them. They have no idea of what you went through as they never experienced the kind of abuse a narcissist does. Especially to their significant other.
It’s true.
So true. 😔 Those who are dismissive of narc survivors and our trauma are *the worst.* I have, before, found myself feeling like I needed to _explain_ myself and _prove_ the validity of my feelings, and the situation; throwing me right back into the same dark hole that the narc previously put me in. It’s an awful, awful feeling.
Yes, to be invalidated can feel even worse than not sharing at all! 😒
No one deserves that. And I can relate. I used to explain my whole life away and I drastically cut back on that.
Yes I have had the same experience although I have been fortunate enough to have a few close relatives who were able to confirm my experience when I finally started talking about it nearly forty years later. Gotta love the idiots who say things like “but it’s your mother”🤮🤢
It's certainly a lesson into not letting what other people think affect us, i.e. not getting our validation from the outside. Sometimes, I think it's the purpose of the whole "lesson"...
Thanks for your comment. My golden child/covert narc sister ( she is a doctor) has reached out to me as she found out I had a surgery...a legit way for her to cross the boundary I have set for her...phew...I get really triggered...and know what you mean...
I can’t stand the dismissive toxic positivity invalidating polly-anna’s who act like I’m being ungrateful unforgiving and negative when I tell the truth of what the abusers did and exert healthy boundaries. It’s messed up. So tired of it all. Remembering it’s not me. Prioritizing my life. Seeking safe supports and determining who is worthy of seeing the whole me and who is not. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I find that as I get older and have learned more about narcissism, I have gotten less willing to tell myself that someone in my life is a narcissist, but much more willing to simply conclude they are bad for me, for whatever reason. And because I have dealt with a number of clear narcissists, I now know what to do.
I cut them out of my life, whether they are narcissists or not. And when a friend tells me about someone they are dealing with who seems like a narcissist, I tell them that I think that person is a narcissist. And if someone rolls their eyes at me for doing this, I write them off as an enabler.
You got the eye roll down. I actually tried to search for a wrist watch with sound effects, so I could tap a button and add sound effects to the rude listeners eye rolls.
It's the weaponization of the people closest To you in your inner circle that is so particularly Devastating ! And incredibly Traumatizing .
Yup. 😞
As a teenager in a depressive episode, the woman who raised me said, "You can choose to be happy or depressed; it's all in your head." I wanted to tell her, "Walk in my shoes for an hour, then say that," but anything I said was considered'talking back' so I stayed silent.
🫂
Your real father and mother is God, not this woman. U r z child of God. Pray for God to bless her and set u free. Soon u ll be free studying in college away from her. I v been there. I m 50 and peaceful now since 17yo when i left Mt family to study
🫂 🌹
Yes, It's often the people doing the abuse or uninterested in our mental health, that throws those kinds of harmful advice at us.
They're often the cause of the depression and not the remedy.
I'm sorry you had to live with that. 😔💔 That woman was clueless. I hope you're having a good, healthy life, because you deserve it! 💜🤗
The amazing fact is that it's not all in your head! That is such a zombie lie.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! You are a god send to this horrible world filled with cruel narcissistic people🙏 I hope one day you win a nobel prize. I’ll be cheering for you.👏👏👏👏😀😀😀😀. I wish you could be my in person therapist. I am also a survivor here.😔
Totally 100% agree 🙏
What is even more disturbing is when law enforcement adopts this very same attitude.
It's just terrifying 💔
"No one cares" is a motto I adopted in childhood wrt talking about my experience. I'm 42 and it continues to hold true.
No one cares until it happens to them
This is the truth, unfortunately.
There are people out there who will react with relief that they are not so all alone. But there is also a proverb about having to kiss a thousand frogs to find them.
This is exactly why survivors need to write and tell their stories ❤ How freaking dare this jerk say its navel gazing self absorption. It took me 2 yeats after i was in the right mental space to even feel like i had the right to speak about my life and of course i could never do that directly. And yet they'd be like oh my God that is so horrible if it was the narc telling their bs. Eff this crap.
"In the stillness of remembering what you had, and what you lost, who says what you had, you know what you lost" - Dreams, Fleetwood Mac, The Dance
❤❤❤❤❤
Great quote. Not to mention, writing is great therapy. When well done, it can also help others...
Thank you!
@WithAnEss ❤️
@@christelleny 💯 ❤️
My cousins never understood the amount of trauma I have been through. It hurts because my reality keeps being denied even when he was inflicted more pain again. I had to pull away from the whole thing but it made me sad because I didn’t just lose a father, I lost a whole extended family. With my mother & both sets grandparents passed away, there’s no tie to them anymore. It has its freedom but it’s also very lonely. Narcissistic abuse wreaks lives.
I lost my extended family too. It was either a family full of narcissists and flying monkeys or living my life alone. And I chose my life, I feel soo sane.
I shared a comment to my cousin in law when she asked me a question. She then told me I shouldn't share that kind of thing with people. She is actually a very nice person and very creative. We have had nice discussions many times about our health and so I thought she was safe. I believe she told me that to protect me from others but the way it came off is that she didn't want that kind of sharing either. It hurt. I have decided to never try to share with anyone outside of my immediate family anymore. I'm 58 and I'm done being overly trusting.
I've had friends-of-friends, acquaintances, rattle off their list of ailments, mental and physical. I can guarantee you I had no idea what to do with that information in the moment or in general. All I could do is say that it sounded challenging and if they needed anything to let me know how I could help. But the level of info was not something non-professionals can be there for.
I add to the chorus below. Thank you, thank you. Been there, done that. People want you to share when 1) it is totally superficial and 2) when it is easily "fixable". Something I have noticed as a survivor of sexual abuse. As soon as you mention it, you can feel the person emotionally step back.
My experience, exactly! This is why I don't share anything other than superficial, with anyone. No one gets it, and no one has the capacity to hear and understand.
I've listened to someone who shared a very personal abusive experience they went through and because I am an HSP I started crying. It wasn't taken well at all by the person sharing their story-they asked me why I was crying. I said "because it's sad I am sorry this happened to you". I realized afterwards maybe my crying was seen as selfish, despite that not being the intent. It made me feel strange... Like I was questioning whether my emotional response was not appropriate and I definitely felt like next time I should just have a blank expression on my face and block all my emotions inside... Essentially not act natural.
What do you make of that? Was my response of crying inappropriate? And showing emotions like crying in such a context is bad? I'm so very confused.
I'm so sorry this happened! I feel your response was natural and completely warranted.
The person telling you about their experience may have just not known how to react to your reaction. Particularly if they have shared this experience before and had been dismissed or invalidated.
I wouldn't doubt yourself ❤
Thank you for listening to that person that needed you to hear it!
@@kerrawhite444 Thank you for your reply. I find comfort in your words. I will just continue to trust my own emotions... That crying in a situation such as that is ok if it's my normal emotional response. 🙏
I was told to "stop wallowing in self-pity" by my best friend and she told me to instead "just be happy for other people who have it better than you," "Choose to be happy," "Your past has no influence on who you choose to be now, you're the one choosing to be miserable and anxious," etc.
Oh, and the good thing about being honest is that you can genuinely assess how you were damaged, because you can understand yourself clearly. This allows you to actually resolve your issues.
Playing into this philosophy of hers risks your identity on the sunk costs fallacy. It will be harder to drop the act once you've kept it up, because then you have to take accountability for halting your own progress. That's unlikely. Accountability is rare enough.
Sorry for the double text. Hope this helped. ❤
Whenever people ask me about my narc family and I reply with the truth, they feel very uncomfortable about it. "You're so negative" is a phrase I've heard many times.
Thank you. It's so rare to find someone who truly understands. Luckily I've found a few people who at least believe me
Dr. Ramani, your insights, compassion, and transparency are life-altering. Thank you so much for your work.
You are making a difference for so many of us.
Nail on head again Dr Ramani!!! Thanks. You can FEEL it falls on deaf ears, they don't do deep heartfelt responses. It took 20 years of this until I spoke to one canny old bird over the garden gate. She listened then she uttered 4 words which indicated to me she was actively listening. Those 4 words 'STREET ANGEL - HOUSE DEVIL.' was an expression I'd never heard before at the time but totally encapsulated the whole situation around my narcissistic ex-husband. Boy was I relieved. You do the same in your videos, you VALIDATE those of us out here trying to get to the bottom of this nonsense, which is all it is.... toxic nonsense, like the woke brigade LOL. Thank you for all that you do for all of us out here. God bless. xxx
Wow I really like how you put that boy can I resonate with you some people do get it very very few and I'm starting to think it's okay
Maybe more people would figure out the truth earlier, I was scapegoated as a child and alienated from my children after divorcing my narcissistic husband- and was gaslit to believe it was all my fault, my children still believe the lies and manipulation 😞
so devastating-
thank you for all your work 🙏
I have and continue to experience of divorcing an narcissist who was awarded sole custody, in getting away with accusing me of parental alienation for the children being scared of him and fighting not go every time (50/50 custody court order to begin with that never worked for the children) they were made to be with him. He then 'legally' got to truly and completely alienate me over the many years they were completely cut off from me, their parent they felt safe and secure with, cared for and loved by. Now all three sons have gone no contact with me and blocked me for having talked a little bit about what actually happened, how afraid they were of him and begged not to go and what they said was happening when they were with him, which I did try to protect them from. Instead they were cut off from me who they trusted. Now they perceive me as the narcissist, one is spending tens of thousands of dollars with therapist Dr. Ross Rosenberg, who has been instrumental in my son no longer speaking, seeing or communicating with me. It's unreal, that he has not helped my son explore how it felt losing his mom from his life overnight when he was only 9 years old and understood how abandoned my son was made to feel by that cruel court order which his dad used as a club to constantly threaten them with. Dr. Ramani is one of the very few who actually gets all aspects of narcissist abuse, even though many of the other experts producing content and writing books on the subject are missing what is being done to the children and the effects on adult children who were forced to live with and have the narcissist as their only parent and role model.
True after all I have been through it has made me to get gaslight from doctors which is happening a lot today
Yes. It's tough enough for someone traumatized to seek out and ask for help.
It's even worse, when they are met with either disinterested concern and zero assistance or made to feel they are being unreasonable or overly emotional.
Yup. I was encouraged to leave my abusive ex not when I described how I was treated but instead it was when he went down the Rogan rabbit hole and bought ivermectin.
My coworkers who came to my office to complain about our narc boss and the hostile work environment and our union who only focused on the professional staff instead of also us support staff wanted nothing to do with me when I had no choice but report forgeries that weren't being addressed in house. I also filed a complaint about my union to the labor relations board. During my unfortunately ultimately useless fight, even friends who weren't from my work avoided me because it made them uncomfortable to hear about what was going on with me.
With everything I lost, I don't regret the people who showed their true colors during this time no longer being in my life. I finally went no contact with several family members whose breadcrumbs I had made meals out of my whole life. My world is incredibly small now, basically just me and I'm okay with that. I've been clay for others to mold as they wish my whole life so this is a great opportunity to really get to know myself and what I actually like and think- especially about myself.
"whose breadcrumbs I had made meals out of my whole life". Wow, that hit my heart like a thunderbolt. With that one phrase, you illuminated and encapsulated relationships that I've needed to end!
No more breadcrumbs masquerading as banquets for me!
Thank you.
LOVE this: "My world is incredibly small now, basically just me and I'm okay with that. I've been clay for others to mold as they wish my whole life so this is a great opportunity to really get to know myself and what I actually like and think- especially about myself." 👏👏 Yay! In retrospect, I woke up to myself when my social circle shrank and I never connected the two before. Knowing and liking myself for the first time in my life is 100% worth my lost ILLUSIONS about those people. And now I have the discernment, self-love, and comfort enforcing boundaries to risk letting GOOD people in. That's a win-win, not the tragedy I sometimes feel about losing so many people. *THANK YOU for this helpful reframe!* 😃❤
@@apricotcookie4850 Yes! We must learn to set our own table
@@bellaluce7088 Thank you for letting me know how good the otherside after getting to know myself can look!
“So he’s a narcissist…at least he makes good money.” I was told that!! 😮
Omg!
Tell them to watch Betrayal. Omg
You waste time and energy even though he makes money. 😢
Thank you. ❤ I’ve come to the conclusion that most people don’t deserve to know the whole me.
My narcissistic abuse by my ex husband was outright mocked by the woman who calls herself my “best friend” because she has been the victim of domestic violence and believes I am co-opting her story for attention and “coolness points.” (Direct quote on that last one.) I just stopped telling her stuff.
That person would no longer be my friend, or have any place in my life!
So, only she can be the victim, or victimized? Maybe she needs all the attention and all the empathy? I would walk slowly towards the door and then run. This is not a friend.
@@Sweetpea-2023 oh she loves playing the victim. Actually it’s her treatment of me that led me to this channel/community because she is a narcissist herself. I am trying to work through my issues from my marriage as well as a 22-year complex female friendship.
@@christinelamb1167 I would love to be able to send her packing. She is a narcissist herself, and I have given her slack for 22 years because her abusive upbringing has left her with C-PTSD and addiction issues, and I admit I pity her. Also, she can do some damage to my life so I have some fears about leaving the friendship.
@@lindamcmanus3057🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I do feel like a fool for not being able to put together the pieces of the narcissistic abuse I was going through until I was in way too deep.
@@tonymartos2922 You’re not a fool. But I felt that way too, until I realized I trusted, believed, gave the benefit of the doubt etc, because that’s a reflection of who I am. It’s easy to trick someone who doesn’t know a game is being played. Now that you know act accordingly. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. Give yourself the same grace, compassion and kindness you showed them. You are not foolish, you’re probably a good person who couldn’t comprehend that someone who said they loved you could be so devious and malicious. At least that was my story. Forgive yourself.
@tonymartos2922 you know NOW. That’s what matters most. Be kind to yourself. ❤
In my experience, feeling like a fool is a part of narcissistic abuse. They are always superior to you, you feel dumb/incapable. They gaslight, blame and behave as you are the problem (at any type of conflict, regardless you make a mistake etc.): so you find yourself thinking of yourself, your shortcomings, which everyone has. You think about what you do and so on. So your attention is diverted from them to you. You can feel like the worst person ever when they shame you, treat you badly. As you feel that, shame is projected on to you and you become paralyzed. You can't take a step back and look at how they're treating you.
They blind you, in multiple ways: love bombing, gaslighting, invalidating your reality/experiences, crazy making, inflicting their toxic shame into you. And they feel joy in positioning the other as a fool, when the other person actually only trusted, loved, treated them as humans, gave them chances, and wanted and made efforts to make the relationship better, wanted the good times with them. They want you to feel, think lesser of yourself, it makes them feel superior, they get their narcissistic supply.
I used "you" but I am talking about me. As cringy it may sound but being compassionate towards myself helped me have a better relationship with myself. I mean I still experience feeling like a fool quite a bit, being compassionate with myself takes the weight of their mean voice off at least.
My narcissistic parents usually downplayed values like compassion, care, and praised qualities like being intelligent, getting higher education etc. so much that it feels inferior to feel like a fool. My mom even made me take an IQ test when I was a child just because I was slow in my movements. I was probably a bit depressed or afraid to make a mistake so I slowed down. Now I ask myself on the inside: what if being a fool isn't that inferior? What if other qualities are more important?
@ well said. 100%
Well Dr Ramani has also fallen for it. Many intelligent, incredible people have. And if you grew up around any toxic behavior or people high in narcissist traits then you are attracted to what feels familiar not just familiar but it’s natures way of working through your trauma. It’s understandable and unfortunately sometimes necessary
Yeah, so many people confuse TRAUMA discussion vs TRAUMA DUMPING. Then there are those that whether they realize it or not, are actually triggered because they do know people like this, but would rather separate themselves from it/them.
Good point!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
I find some narcissists in this comments section who insult and demean in their replies to other commenters.
Yes, they come frequently to leave entitled comments... Most of the time they are ignored. Some other times they are bullied back a bit 🤭
Yes, the narcs love to come to channels such as this and make their ridiculous comments! I have seen it here, and other other narc abuse recovery channels. Most of the time I ignore them, but once in a while I can't help myself, and I respond back! I usually regret it, though.
Sure. My ex narc does this... as she's been doing a dirty long smear campaing trying to destroy me, many crimes, so she kept coming all groups on narc learning working to keep her facade and crimes hiden and twisted... and as she spread edited intimacy pics to many people and social media calling me as a predator or such, I decided to do something other than just to stay away/no contact, and only since then, after I started to show also picts of her (in the lovebombing phase) she (and/or her flying monķeys) became less encouraged ...!
People who do this … I just don’t see how they have so much time on their hands! Don’t they have anything better to do than put down people who they don’t know and don’t care about? Guess not.
Careful not to speak your mind on them, YT may ban your comments for hate speech lol. My other account just got hit for educating on terminology for such people
Wow this is exactly what I'm going through right now. Your content is so on point Doc! Thank you for making me feel heard and seen, safe and validated. ❤❤❤
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it and need to hear this.
Breathtakingly beautiful analysis/dissection, as always
“Disdain for your pain” = toxic invalidation. Emotionally bruised people have to be extra careful who they tell their story to. Some people have no tolerance for your pain and their indifference/ dismissiveness can make it worse.
5:01 Yep! When I cautiously let an old "friend" who'd let me down into my life again on a trial basis because she'd been to therapy and seemed to have grown, she talked at length about her current problems and the ongoing impact of her troubled childhood. I gave her empathy and compassion. When **I** talked about similar things, I got window dressing like "you're entitled to your feelings" but also her same old judgmental messages that I'm supposedly too sensitive, interpret things wrong, and am LETTING myself stay trapped in the past (as if CPTSD is a choice!). Hypocrisy much!? 🧐🙄 Byeee! I'm SO GLAD I've done the work to be able to recognize toxic people in ways I couldn't before and LET THEM GO! 😃🍀❤ *THANK YOU, Dr. Ramani!!!* ❤
9:06 Some people aren’t worthy to see your whole you and that is their loss…Gold sentence to heal.
Amen Dr.Ramani, thank you ❤🙏🙌
I’m sure many of these people who blame and shame survivors are narcissists as well. Maybe they’re too afraid of confronting narcissists. Or maybe there’s just something in them that makes them hate victims. Because naturally, victims need attention and support. Victims may often be demanding. And narcissists don’t have anything to give. It reminds me of some of the cases where narcissistic mothers murdered their own children.
A friend told me her mother had murdered her children two of them she also tried to kill herself. The children died she was set free and they had 5 more children. Yes she was a narcissist!
My brain always tells me not to read the comments, but I feel compelled to. Bullies are rampant online, and people will disagree with you and say the most unhinged things just to get a reaction. Sometimes, I fall into the trap because of my moral values. Statistics show most abuse and unalivings is familial or someone we are dating or married to. My doom scrolling is true crime. 😢
thank you and thank you ❤
Thank you so much for discussing this critical topic with us. Self-respect and self-love are my guards against dismissiveness. I am blessed with very few friends, and they are all true gems and close to my heart.
I just wanted to say that it really would‘ve been a good message if your book was on there too! I‘m doing an internship in Portugal (I‘m a psych student) and I visited a very small unknown town. In the town was a little library where students learned. There were a few books in Portuguese to buy. I was soooo happy to saw your book „It’s not you“ lying there! It was in Portuguese but I could detect it because of the cover. I would’ve never expected it there because it‘s not a comercial shop with many new books, but you could buy it there. Even if there are jerks on a daily level, your message is studies around the world as I write this. Unfortunately we encounter many jerks on a daily basis but I think they are the ones who feel threatened because they start to recognize that the dynamics can change and people are being provided with tools to leave the abusers. They don‘t like that and talk it down but they cannot stop the knowledge that keeps being shared over and over. You seem like a modest human being so I don‘t think you are very proud of yourself but you really should be!
Thanks for this 💙💪🏽🌎
I was just recently trying to get help for codependency online by reading articles and watching videos and in the comments were some of the most hateful and harsh words said about people struggling with codependency. I won’t repeat what was said but it was unbelievable. And it was a lot of people.
I have few friends, and few of them understand. I have mostly quit reaching out. Even the nicest often only wants good news, happy happy happy, toxic positivity. The not so nice, hoo boy.
As one dear friend said, "That's just not right," as if that fixes it. I learned to say nothing about what I now hear called CPTSD.
I WISH I COULD RUN TO YOU 😭 YOUR THE BEST 💓
10000 % accurate. I grew up with a narcissistic mom, my elder sister being the golden child and least rebellious always supports mom and I'm the ungrateful daughter.
Thankful my friends and family aren’t like this. Of course the narcissist accuses me of being the abuser, which can contribute to society being confused who is actually the disordered person. But I have psych evals now. It’s not me!
Dr Ramani is a true hero. Thank you, Dr Ramani, for the very real service that you perform.
I've struggled with my recovery because of invalidating opinions of family. I've been gray rocking some to save myself from their voices. I've realized it's important to have a validating voice, like a mental health professional, to help navigate these situations. If you're reading this, keep believing in and advocating for yourself.
I was so inspired by your content, I just finished publishing one. It's called "Zebra Clarity." Thank you for all your help, Doctor Ramani.
You are my safe place To land Dr Ramani , Thank you 💙💜💙
I've been called a Narcissist for sharing my life experiences on social media. Ppl say I'm attention seeking to share a personal story relevant to the topic.
It was sort-of inevitable. As knowledge about narcissists evolve... So do their tactics.
Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏
I have so much appreciation for your wise and kind guidance.
At 60 years old, I've just learned about oversharing from one of your videos and it's given me so much understanding of my behavior. I have no friends, only my coworkers, and recently, I caught myself oversharing, only to be met with yet another narcissistic person who then took what I told her in confidence and used it against me. She began disrespecting me when I was in a supervisor role. This isn't the first time this has happened rather on many other occasions when gently trying to explain a work policy I was met with hostility and yelling "don't tell me what to do" then telling me I was a bully that has no management material. This last time, however, I decided enough and filed a complaint with our labour relations department. I'm so afraid of the repercussions of this decision even though I know it was the right thing to do. There will be a meeting, and now I feel it might cause retaliation.
People can only hold space for others at the depth they've held space for themselves. Most people haven't done their work and perpetuate emotional neglect. They're emotionally shallow.
Im learning more and more, to be very, very selective about social media consumption. It has certainly derailed my healing more than once. I try to go only to places where I know my feeling will be affirmed and supported. I hope someday to be able to handle more of the mainstream fray, but for now, I know I have to protect myself while I heal.
What really sucks is this complex trauma that some of US try to pretend is not there, comes out and we knew what was happening when it was we knew that there was abuse coming from 2-3 different places at once to try and make us "seem crazy" and then have to pretend none of its going on. Living in a world where everywhere you turn everyone is fake and all you can do is be nice and try so hard to make it clear that you ARE raising your child well and you ARE well and eat even through the abuse. I had absolutely no one while I was being extremely abused but my phone. RUclips like Dr Ramani and God got me through what I needed and on to my next hell full of being blamed and told I'm broken(well me telling them to defend myself of course) from the gaslighting I endured and how it feels like it's still going on. No one around you understands or cares to bc they have they're own issues. Everyone will know know what happened to me and what more than one or 2 or 3 people did to me
One of your best and most important videos. Thank you. I've been through the abuse. It's just cruel. A nightmare of the worst kind. The subtle or less subtle dismissal by inlaws or relatives is painful and highly discouraging. A friend who listens without judgement is such a blessing. It can save you from going insane. One other thing that helps me a lot is letting go of anger and instead learn to show compassion. Some people just don't understand. Having compassion and patience with them helps me from becoming bitter. ❤ At some point in your life you have to accept what happened and find a way to take things lightly and with some humor again. That's not to dismiss any of the insanity you had to endure, but it's a way for you to slowly get your life back. 👊
Wow! . . . the navel-gazing criticism. . . Thank you Dr. Ramani for being in our corner!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for being a much needed safe place. Each time I feel pulled under by waves of realization that the best gifts I put on the table were treated with contempt, I look to the content you made and can surface enough to get some air and to locate the shore I need to reach. Thank you and bless you!
I don’t even watch these videos near other people. I learn to heal myself and gently teach my young adult children. Only my new husband knows.
My mom was my first gaslighter when she told me not to tell people about my mental illness as a teenager. I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking Prozac. She said people would judge me and I said I think you're more worried about people judging you. I don't care about other people's opinions. Now at the age of 50 and 4 months deep into NO CONTACT... I still don't care. If you can't hear me and see what has been done to me, you're not on my team to start. I'll tell anyone and everyone about what happened to me because ignoring it all and listening to people who don't have my best interest at heart, isn't going to heal me.
Dr. Ramani you are so understanding about all kinds of abuse. May you continue your fantastic work helping people heal. May God bless you. And...I love your lavender chair.
😊
Yep. I went through Domestic Violence and the invalidation out there was jaw dropping
Me too⚘
It def helped me reading all the comments. Total validation. It is sad that there’s not a lot of people to talk to for support. THANK GOD FOR RUclips
Finding new friends and support groups isn’t easy but we must be patient, discerning and respectful towards ourselves to notice those people who dismiss and invalidate our feelings and experiences. It’s up to us to choose who we want to associate with.
Dr. Ramani you just Described my Situation PERFECTLY ! Oh My God Thank You So Much !!!!!!!!
The worst comment came from my sister, after I had gotten out and was still slowly recovering.
It was "you picked him". (victim blaming much??)
Now that I am older, and more researched, clearly it shows a lack of understanding by outsiders that narcs/abusers put on a false front until you are committed. But also now that I am older, I do think the sister is borderline narc - always has demanded to be the centre of attention, and has no problem lying to get what she wants. Very stealthy Narc-Lite I reckon.
What you mention is exactly behaviour we can hardly label so it makes us feel like we are crazy for feeling that
The only way I could ever tell that I was not being selfish, was by comparing my grievances with those of the narcissists.
"Am I not an equal with them?" Why would I not deserve at least as much recognition for my wants and desires, as that which the narcissist receives?
It is at that point that I come to realize that those who afford the narcissist his/her desires, but deny the same to me, have chosen to value the narcissist more than they value me. These are not people I continue to maintain contact with.
It has to be a conscious effort, because I automatically think I am not worthy. I must resist such thinking.
I recently moved from the Dallas area back to my parents home in Ohio. I’m a veteran and I talked to counselor. I told her about getting divorced from my narcissistic husband. I cried and cried talking about my horrible marriage. She actually sympathized with me. She could tell how my ex treated me. The counselors in Dallas brushed off the notion of him being a narcissist. I have been struggling to wrap my head around what happened the last 9 years.
Hold on to your truth . There is so many people out there without any notion about narcissistic abuse even so called therapists. Good luck finding one. Until then stay tuned To Dr Ramani, my safe place To land 🦋
Dear Dr. Ramani. I'm one of many who have hugely benefited from your wisdom and support. I hope you know how deeply and durably you are helping us. ❤
Thank you Dr Ramani, I had these reactions and responses from most people while I was in narcissistic marriage.
Dr. Ramani, please don’t give your power and control away by all that is said out there. Hold your power and keep sharing your truth. Hold strong.
There’s a slew of all kinds of thoughts and opinions out there. The heck with them.
Stay true to you and your foundation.
My Dad taught me all this when I was a kid. Absolute priceless and timeless Life principle. 💜
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This is true. Having been a subject of narcissistic ritualistic abuse before, I was being taken advantage of as though not having rights. It is the worst form of abuse. It is astounding to me in modern society this abuse goes on. There needs to be regulatory controls to protect individual rights so that individuals do not get caught in a vortex of narcissistic abuse.
I've seen something similar before in other contexts, on Internet forums where people open up and discuss ways of overcoming health problems, for instance, revealing personal details to people who are sympathetic. Then some troll shows up, posing as an expert, and shames these people, who are likely to be vulnerable to typical social bullying tactics. There are certain people with a keen sense of how to punch buttons to get emotional responses that they can feed their egos with. (In fact, I think we've been calling them "narcissists.") A concerted search, trying out typical emotional triggers to fnd my vulnerable spots is often the first clue I have to distance myself from someone.
So beautifully and eloquently put. I have been watching your videos for years after a very severely abusive relationship. You have helped me a lot. This one really hit the nail on the head with a lot of people I used to have to deal with. It’s a shame, but then we figure out we need better friends and supportive circles. Thank you so much for all you do❤
I learned long ago to not share abuse inflicted by other people to friends or family. Most of the time it’s safer, especially if dealing with a covert narcissist. Lots of silent endurance at times.😢
Some people are just idiots and that's a fact. I think the most important thing is to heal the shame we carry in private with ourselves thrue self compassion and patience with ourselves. The more we truly love ourselves and realize that shame belongs to the abusers the more likely we are to redirect the shame towards the idiot writing stupid things to break our souls. I am grateful for the empathetic bundles that I can find in contents like yours Dr Ramani thank you❤
So true thank you D Ramani
This!!!! Having an abusive mother with most likely at least a couple personality disorders (back when none of them were talked about) and a father with diagnosed bipolar/schizoaffective disorder… Guess which one was the more nurturing and parent while the other one used my behavior issues at school on the others diagnosis of the other? Unfortunately she was my primary “caregiver”. It was something super isolating when I was in elementary-high school until I just learned to not talk about it. Then this led to lapse in judgment in partners I’ve been in long term relationships with and what I’ve been hearing a lot of lately is “it’s in the past” or “this is a new start”Like I literally had my face swollen from domestic abuse when these comments started 😂😅. Hugs to everyone who gets invalidated while they’re trying to heal and/or vent.
Thank you for this validating video! One result of my getting free from my abuser has been the drastic pruning of other relationships. It has been painful, but also necessary. There are so many folks out there who would prefer not to know. It upsets their illusion that our society and their families and their own relationships are all healthy, and that most relationships are. Acknowledging your pain makes them look at things they don’t want to see, including the fact that ANYONE, including themselves, can become a victim of abuse.
Wow Dr Ramani. You hit it out of the park again. I’ve learned to keep silent about my life being blown up by a malignant narcissist as people just don’t get it. Thank you for the validation. People only understand very surface explanations. You understand the depth of the whole nightmare. 🙂
Unfortunately people are ready to look for mistakes of others. Thanks for sharing 🙏 blessings and peace to everyone
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Yes, so true!
🥺 thanks a lot for this Video Dr.Ramani, it lightened a lot within
Brilliant. The shaming comments can come from any direction. It's soul draining. On a completely different subject, can a Narcissist be Autistic, and would it be time to just end it all?
As the only one of my kind having a "spiritual awakening" triggered my true self to wake up and now coming to terms with who I am and what I've been through but the thing that keeps me stuck is the distrust in myself
Experiencing this at work. New hire walked out this morning and the temp girl was so nice after that.
It used to be hard for me to explain that my mother and I aren’t close. I stick to some facts, explain that it’s sad and that she is not well. And then I move on. But that took me many years…
With my narc ex, I have zero contact and have moved on. He is still looking for ways to harm me… these people are very sick.
Stay away from narcissists!
Thank u Dr. Ramani for posting this.
This hit me in a way I’d hidden from the pain. I’d had a very bad breakup with my long time narcissist boyfriend (we won’t get into my mother) and I had two “friends” one after the other that kind of friend love bombed me and then each one overwhelmed me with “you need to do this” or bossing me around at my most vulnerable. When I finally shut down after over sharing, they became toxic to me too! Harassment, bullying and narcissistic at me too! I felt so humiliated and shamed that I felt overwhelmed and devastated. I’d trusted them and then when I did share things they were dismissive of my thoughts and needs. Only wanted the “neat and tidy” problems to get fixed and then hear about their problems. I ended up having to go no contact with them too, as I didn’t know who I could trust to really open up and work through my next action. It was all I could do to just breathe.
Beautiful, thank you. God bless you ❤
Thank you for posting about this topic. I really needed it today.
Here's where it gets complicated for me, with sincerity to learn. There is often confusion about who the narcissist is. The confusion is in the survivors and bystanders. And, of course, narcissists are happy to label their victims (maybe even believe or justify it?). Also, I have heard that the ramifications of narcissistic abuse veer eerily close to narcissism. I know I did some things I was not proud of. So, I get a little defensive, personally, when I hear comments about behavior that I worry I have participated in or have been accused of participating in. It all feels very muddled and complex.
Thank you for your compassionate final statement in this video, take care......
Amen, thank you Dr. Ramani for caring so much. Power Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏👑🇯🇲😇❤️🙌
I realised quickly that people were going to feel sorry for the guy. So I kept quiet for most of the time, and let people figure it out when he turned his beams on them. I figure it's the safest way to let things out themselves.
A friend is someone who lends an ear and is longsuffering with you.