Lisa why do I feel like you are in a Narcissistic relationship with your husband. Your reaction to doctor ramani explanation hits you so hard. Dealing with Narcs myself whenever I hear something that I experience with a love one, it really do hits deep. So Lisa if this is true you already know what to do. It's OK we don't judge you if you decide to divorce. It could be for whatever reason you want it to be. We are not in your bedroom we won't know if it is a lie or not .
When I asked the divorce, I was supposed to receive 40k of the house, and my narcissist husband only gave me 25k in payments, and I couldn't get any of the furniture of the house. His excuse was everything of the house was out of his money when we both paid everything with our paychecks! Yeah, he did that to me. We were married for 24 years. It took me by surprise how greedy he was, and I took our youngest child with me, who at that point he was five years old. It's been almost fifteen years, and I chose to attend school, and very soon I will earn my bachelor's degree in psychology!
Wow!! That is so amazing and inspiring to me! I really needed to see your post!❤ This sounds very similar to me- I was in an 11yr narc abusive marriage, left when my child was young. And I, too, am working to finish my degree! It has been 3 years since we left him and moved in with family hoping for emotional support while getting on our feet. But we are still struggling so much in so many unexpected ways in the aftermath, the resulting damage from years of smear campaigns, and his efforts to sabotage my family relationships while we were married. What has made the damage last is that there is another narc in my own family circle who has continued the smear campaigns of my ex, tells me I am the cause, and has really enjoyed “wing-clipping” any small progress my daughter and I make along the way-complete with flying monkeys- attempting to cause more isolation for my daughter and I. So, to my sadness, there hasn’t been much family or support just yet, it’s very hard. But your story is very inspiring and you give me hope. ❤
That was my experience out of three very cheap very much for themselves they didn't even care about the kids they seriously only cared about t h e i r ugly ass self and they do turn ugly
Narcissists want you to fight. When I learned not to engage, it pissed him off more. I eventually did the right thing and went NO CONTACT. It’s been 5 years and I am so grateful to have my life, sanity and peace back.
My narcissistic dad just died. Funeral tomorrow. Hospice was a shit show with mom and sister. I've mourned the loss of those 3 relationships for 49 years at this point. Now that my dad has finally left my mom.. I feel free. I never have to return to the family that consistently throws me under the bus because of jealousy and narcissistic behaviors. I'm a healer and empath and I'm starting a new chapter in life... spreading love, encouragement, and inspiration to those that most likely need it most! I hope all of you empaths out there continue spreading your bright light and joy and love for life! Don't let anyone steer you off your course! All empaths need to team up and find each other... help lift each other up! 💞
Father didn’t die but my mum finally got up the courage to divorce him after 36 years - I understand that “free” feeling, and hearing my mum sounding more light hearted, happy and confident, I’m sure she also feels that freedom.
Empath, Bright Light, Love, I encourage you to speak with the heart and soul of your father in the "dream field" the ether, the afterlife, the cosmos, with god, whatever your resonant practice.. because I assure you, he was here to give you lessons to become who you are and had his own great sacrifices and pains. Become his friend, this will be the healing of the light, understand and get to know his pain, and encourage whatever that energy that is or was him, that remains in you, in others, in him.. that it may too, heal, evolve, raise his standards toward the consciousness that we are here to become.
While you are spreading your love, encouragement, and enthusiasm, be sure to give it to yourself first! So many of us empaths who grew up in these toxic environments are so quick to give everything away in life depleting ourselves. Self-care #1!
Im done with being neglected and now abandoned for the 2nd time. Why.? Because how dare i call out my grown childrens disrespectful behaviors in my house. It doesn't count cause we rent so me im not a man because of paying the bills for 35 yrs that has no count.. so disrespect me cause im not rich. I don't earn enough to be respected thats for rich men. Not men who live right.
@@jeffreybarberich5787your right about all this. My daughter is same way. She thinks it's all my fault because I won't support her financially. However she doesn't want to work. She wants someone to take care of her. I just couldn't anymore. She can't come live with me.
@@jeffreybarberich5787 Narcissists hate people who live right. They're jealous of them. You "not being rich" is not the reason for the attacks, it's just a pretence they use to take out their anger at you. If you were rich they'd use something else for "justifying" their resentments towards you.
Am I really in the gaslighting stage or are they just actually hurt and I am actually the narcissist? Genuine question. I really don't have money for a therapist I am sorry for dumping and asking in the YT comments. If I am a narc, can I change? Were the people with me just enabling me and lying about me being a good person to avoid conflict? Am I just a bad person after all and it took this person to point out that I am not as good a person as I thought I was before them? Can I change?
Ramani has preyed on strangers, violated, exploited, targeted, defamed, stalked, and enslaved strangers for years to build her platform, and she calls those strangers "narcissists." There is no option to disengage when abusive frauds have 24/7 access to your life and continue abuse for years. It's like saying "disengage when someone is stealing your car.....disengage when a person is raping you," and disengaging is not possible. It's ridiculous Ramani and Lisa force strangers into abusive situations for years. They perpetuate abuse for years. They have benefited from all of their lies for years. However, when their abuse and all of their actions are addressed, they say "covert narcissists play the victim," to gaslight, shift blame, and dismiss their abuse. Now, they say "don't argue or fight with narcissists, go DEEP with narcissists," as another way to shift blame, gaslight, and deny their abuse. When their abuse is addressed, they don't have to acknowledge any of their actions because they say "don't engage," and they continue abuse. They speak about disengaging when they have created and perpetuated the entire situation. They can say "disengage" when they are fully engaged, when they have worked around the clock, 24/7 for years, to create and perpetuate abuse.
Lesson learned ❤! I get it now. Silence or 1 word only. This is hilarious 😆 He was telling me some date 2/28 - I said what date is that? He said date we started our relationship! I said, oh and I LOVED it 😊
But sometimes they get crazier & crazier til you do engage... You can feel them winding up tight as clock & ready to ring. ⏰ Sometimes I give him just enough to satisfy him. It all gets so boring, I just pop off on him & drive away to read in my car for awhile. Get back & he's satisfied that he pissed me off & met his quota for now.
The Bible says, don't resist an evil person... I didn't get it till now... you don't engage, don't defend, don't explain.. you just say OK and leave it at that! Makes so much sense and I believe it!
@delaw2xoxo269 resist the devil and he will flee. Draw near to God and he will draw near (neigh) to you. You resist the devil (spiritual being) by drawing near to God. This also applies to narcissistic ppl, by drawing near to God (on your own/personal relationship). But when it comes to people, do not resist or argue with them.
I told my highly narcissistic parents "If you want me to take care of you like babies you can't call the shots (the level of control they try to exert over me is....... Next level, They are throwing everything but the kitchen sink for me to not sleep for 5 hours straight within the same real estate as they live in, absolutely extreme people. 👍).
If you are going to go toe to toe with a narcissist, STAND YOUR GROUND AND STAY FOCUSED!!! Last Friday I shut my husband all the way down. He interrupted me and took over my thought process for the last damn time. I told him that had something to say and he was going to hear about it. I went in on him and wouldn't let him talk when he wanted to interrupt me by sternly telling him that "I said I have something to say and you're going to listen". It worked. Each time I did that it got easier to shut him up. He was absolutely silent when I was done. I mean he had nothing to say. After I said what I had to say I shut completely down and didn't talk to him nor did I acknowledge he was there. I felt nothing. The next day I left when he went to go get coffee. It was smooth AF! I am very proud of myself for making the steps to take my life back. I am safe with a great support system that accepts my autonomy and respects my healing process in so many loving ways.
Many included needed to here this, including me!!! We don't learn boundaries and have to learn the hard way... even then we feel guilty! I'm learning now at 52 how to love myself and set boundaries! 😢❤
Don’t regret dear friend. Don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up for a single thing in life. You left at the right time, who knows if you left him sooner, you might have had a change of heart and returned to him? You left exactly when you were the strongest. ❤
I’m not going to lie. This is 10000% easier said than done ! Cause in the moment they are looking at you with a straight face projecting their reality on to you. The one that they firmly believe. Events that happened. How you behaved. When you both were there. You both know the truth but only one of you is being truthful. When they call you names that are so beyond your character. When they lie about things that happened infront of your family. This was the hardest part of this relationship with me. It’s the lack of truth and the antagonism. Although it took some time after i asked for a divorce i went no contact and suddenly the noise just stopped. Its the only way.
I stay away, I stay in safe place, creating safe and comfortable grounds for me to heal, to lick my wounds, to stand and dance on my terms, to sing and love as I will.. AND... I speak with their souls in the dream space -- this has been huge for me. I have reached a couple of them in the heart and soul, because it wasn't their intent to be narcissist, others, I don't know, yes, safe distance, still hope and "seed" solutions for them, they are like addicts, addicted to this way, getting their "hits" from the energy of others, rather than realizing they can make their own.
@@Ellajaie I really understand this. Almost 8 years and his whole family thought I was a liar and horrible person. The conviction with which he spoke and narrated events to his own warped reality is awful. I couldn’t defend myself and was to the point where I just accepted everything and apologized. His mother encouraged his black and white transactional thinking, while pretending she wasn’t but honestly I realized his parents are why he is the way he is and none of them will ever change. They’re just bad people.
yes, they insert all these "isms" -- sayings or platitudes that they hope will impress you or make you say "ohhh yeah, for sure".. but when you listen closely and actually ask them, "What does that mean exactly?" They are STUMPED. then the turn the tables on you and tell you you're psycho for not taking them at "face value"... ugh.
@@happyhealthyblessed Haven't heard this one yet, but so true! I remember the yearly [sometimes skipped a year haha] evaluationconversations at my job.As if I had said nothing [carefully explaining my points]] she sat there, staring at me. Giving me the idea that I was bothering her .. Useless conversation. Did not know about narcissism then....
Wow, she confirms everything Ive learned from living with a narcissist. Dont share personal information with a narc. Its used against you or to hurt you.
You can't ask ANYTHING of a narcissist. Either you get a muted response or a tantrum. If you're lucky, asking a couple of times might get you the result you want, which is likely very reasonable. They're insufferable and can't be trusted. All about them all the time and it's completely exhausting. What a sad existence.
I literally just told my partner this but they want you to know about there and give feedback back n stroke there ego n consign what they say and do I’m going quiet very non chalant yes no nod my head I will not dicuss my plans goals nor my children and hell no I’m unable to run errands or link up ima study my ass off yep Ik they gonna be like she wasn’t studying before now she so focus surely am even if I ain’t for them I will be I’m putting myself first as they always did with me
Start a moving out fund. If you can, put it in a trusted person's name with you authorized as a signer so he can't find it. Even if you don't plan on leaving, get it started just in case.
Yes ,and they even turn that around like. U,bling oh not talking then nget ina mood about that.lits just the sludge of a relationship u don’t want to clean up anymore..and why should u ,cos whatever u do or say or act will be open for a argument ..who wants to live with a nut case,cos that’s what they are.
OMG ... Dr. Ramani is describing my 29 year marriage to a T. He said he wanted to leave, was shocked I expected half of our assets, and then decided he would stay. I told him we'll have to just be roommates because I'm NEVER sleeping with him again. He has lied, cheated, given me an STI, and completely dismissed everything I've done for him and our children. Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I don't expect him to EVER change. I can't leave yet, but one day I will. ❤️
There's no amount of $$ worth your piece of mind and safety. I'd pay twice what family court cost me if I could go back in time and give him the money to leave me alone.
That is VERY scary- and I have been there! My ex is a malignant narcissist, and those last 6 months living in the same house with him (before I was able to leave safely with my child), were truly a nightmare. I constantly feared for the safety of myself and my child-every moment… Meaning, I rarely slept at all during those final months… even when my child and I slept in a separate room down the hall from him every night during that time. Some of the most terrifying moments of my life. Get out a soon as you can.🙏❤️
I’m 78 and my marriage was 42 years. I stayed because of my spiritual beliefs and I had been warned by 5 doctors but they didn’t tell me the definition of Narcissist. 😮
100% right!! Keeping conversations surface level is all they can handle. Narcissists can't have deep conversations and they don't know how to resolve conflicts, repair damage, and build something better. Every interaction is a competition for them. Even something like sharing something you heard on the news or read on some magazine. They will lose it, angrily telling you that you're wrong and ask if you think they are stupid . If you try to give any kind of helpful information, you think they are stupid. You stop giving that info, they ask why you didn't tell them XYZ when something didn't work or go their way. You're really damned if you do and damned if you don't with these people. NO to Unsolicited advice of any kind/trying to help them solve their problems. They don't want a solution. They just want to complain without interruption. Defending or explaining yourself or what you meant (I've been using the "ok" response for years. It can help). They don't care. They are just baiting you. Trying to hold them accountable or fix them. They can't hear you. They don't care about your pain. Holding onto the fantasy that they will be nicer to you at some point in the future. You're setting yourself up for huge disappointment and a whole lot of abuse. Just say no!!
Faked genuineness has a smell. ('Has a smell' concept from Jocko Willink) You must raise your senses, smell, observe and judge critically. Trust your instincts.
You can sense fake ness from microexpressions. Or just get the vibe from someone that something feels off. Get this a lot from my narc sister. Being in the same room, zaps me out, a strange heavy feeling. Dementor?
They will NEVER change. It took me the best part of 18 years to realise this. I cant leave yet but i will. Its a life of misery and madness to be married/live with a narcissist.
I left. 15 years. No kids thank goodness. Silently two years ago. I sofa surf among family and work two jobs . I don't mind sleeping in my car either. I do what I must. I'm tired but I'm free and content now. I don't have much except my freedom and my mental health. It's an upgrade! It's enough for now.i wish you the best. Be brave and very silent. Just go if you can!
Leave as soon as you can, they will drain the life out of you and won't be sorry, I don't know what is going to happen to my two boys and I, after divorce but it's better than staying with someone that makes you feel like wasted space and a piece of trash. That's how my ex husband made me feel for no reason. I know no one will believe me but he seriously did
Yes it is, I was with narc ex husband for 37 years… a lot of the time I was gaslit into believing a lot of the arguments/fights etc. were my fault!! If you try and defend yourself they say you’re mad, they mix you up, start with word salad, cuss things up that happened years ago… turn everything around and blame you. They are cruel, nasty people with no concerns for anyone but themselves.
@@youareloved8274 I believe you 100%…I went through the same, was with narc ex husband for 37 years… I know exactly how you felt, I felt the same, I felt as if I was nothing, unimportant,a nuisance, everyone and everything else came before me!! The narc’s are so good at making people think they’re wonderful, they are so false, put in an act… we know it’s an act… but most people out there don’t, that’s why I understand when you think no one will believe you. Just know that there are people who definitely do believe you😊
Hello , me too. The more I hear The more I want hear from Those Monsters , They being Moving around Hurting and Taking Advantage of good Human beings and No Consequences ! Some use The word Karma , what I think What way to live ! There U have , That you Karma .
My Mouth is open listening to this... Him being monotone me always trying to explain. Asthma flaired up like crazy , exhausted tired all the time, Once I left... The Change was immediate. I Was wife #3 On my Healing Journey.
They will do it to anyone they think will put up with it. This is one of the reasons they pull this crap on close friends and family. Most people won't discard a member of the family. Friends don't walk away from friendships easily. This could be applied to romantic relationships as well.
Same! There’s no point in maintaining contact with someone who you can’t be real with and who will send the rest of the family after you if you upset them! I can only exist as a shell of a person when I’m around them.
WOW, she is spot on! Been with my husband for 34 years and married 27. I turned 50 this year and it took me this long to realize that the apology means nothing if the behavior still continues. My son is now 18 and I have finally decided that I will not get yelled at any longer, I will not tolerate the temper and emotional deregulation and I will not tolerate smashing things and the threats to break something anymore. Its very sad when you ask them to get help and they say no. Once your done, your done! I would love yo have one session with this therapist.
Omg! When you talk about being callus I went through that for 55 years…my husband never gave a damn and I knew that!!!!!!! It’s the most horrible feeling in the world. I was sick all my life but it was because of living with a Narcissist! Had I got out I maybe would have healed. Today I am still here but I have watched a lot of videos and I am my own person and avoid him and do not react. I learned to be alone. I spent my whole marriage alone. This session helped me to see that there are people who understand. ❤
I am going through the same thing. There were red flags. I am in a 8 year marriage. I am 69 yrs and he is 77. He was married 3 times before we got married. Red flags I have missed, with deep regret. I listen to this program.
There are people who understand, and there are also people who help people like us reclaim ourselves. I'm one of those people, I'm developing a podcast, and am in groups that support me to be me. I need that, after, 54 years of narcissistic abuse...
I understand completely. And, I am so happy you’ve made space for yourself. Make sure you find love too. Love with good friends, family… anyone. Make sure you have someone great who cares for you. Keep your smile strong ❤
This is so true. This is why my narc left. We only texted so whenever he blamed me for something, I just tell him to scroll up. Whenever he wanted to know my day, I kept it vague. And whenever he hinted some kind interest for my info, I just wait till he asked. Then he left and said, "I dont understand you." And ghosted me. It wasn't until months later I realized that he was really saying was, "I cant manipulate you to get what I want so I'm leaving." Best day of my life. ❤
I also reverted to “text fighting” because my words cannot be used to create word salad. If they dwell on something besides the point, I would just reply myself and say “no, this is what I’m feeling”, or “no, that’s not what I said”. The stonewalling happens very soon after I stand my ground 😂😅 peace
It's so sad that we have to be THIS strategic to have "normal" conversations with someone so toxic. I miss feeling curious and safe in a pursuit. -sigh- one day ❤
On the off chance he was not a narcissist, which is likely that he wasn't (we all have traits, not everyone has a personality disorder), you doing these things just made you the problem, no?
@@tubemankiwi maybe, could be. Survivors call it gray rocking. You may call it whatever you want. All I know is that I dont feel like im questioning my reality, im at peace, and never going back.
It’s “EXHAUSTING “…..they slowly and painfully destroy you, your life, your family, everything…..they suck out your energy, vitality, joy, spirit…PREPARE, WORK , SAVE, LEAVE….
And learn to meditate to calm your sympathetic nervous system that wants to bring you to fight and express your anger, it's futile! Save your energy to create your new life. Yes, without him. Go to therapy to release abandonment beliefs. Celebrate that you will not abandon you🎉❤.
@@arnelevans4803 Do NOT let him know anything that you are planning. He will make plans to stop you. I got out after 30yrs. Best move ever! Like the person above, I wish I had left earlier. Best of luck to you. Do what you need to do to be well! ❤
My plan 17 yrs in the making, my smallest kid will be 18 yrs old next yr, as I became stronger emotionally and mentally, I got the chance to draw most boundaries. I never understood that yr peace of mind and well being is greatest gift, and loosing a property or material stuff is nothing compared to freedom
Ramani has preyed on strangers, violated, exploited, targeted, defamed, stalked, and enslaved strangers to build her platform for years, and she calls those *strangers* "narcissists." Ramani projected who she is and described herself by saying "narcissists want to dominate and not understand." She has enslaved strangers for years. She has thrived on abuse for years, has thrived on enslavement, has built her platform stalking strangers 24/7 for years, and has told perpetual lies about strangers she doesn't know on her public platform for years. She has dominated, and she never had to understand, never had to ask those strangers one question to try to understand anything. She has told endless lies to dominate, over years, and her platform is built on lies. It's so ridiculous people claim she's telling the truth when she's literally describing who she is, especially when her actions never mattered. None of this matters
It's so sad especially when it's your mother and she's aging and your poor father has to endure this pain and this misery and his health goes down because of it
Arguing with a narcissist, you are only adding more fuel to the fire. You will only end up feeling drained trying to reason with someone who thrives on drama. Your mental health and energy is more important than wasting your time on these energy vampires. Focus on what truly matters to you while they revel in their own chaos.
I did find taking a stand with a colleague meant she shut up hassling me so much. However, she's by nature deeply manipulative, so I'm minimising contact & hoping she just doesn't find me satisfying to hassle so much anymore!
@@jzen1455this happened to me yesterday :'( Mom blamed me for being like my dad although I never met my dad:/ I pushed back while standing up for myself and I really didn't like raising my voice and getting angry in the process. It's like I forget to not engage and it usually doesn't end well:(
I love this! I have spent 16 years with this madness. I keep my peace by keeping my distance. I feel so much better now. Ear plugs and loud music has been a life saver. You cannot confide in these people!
Totally get you been using my AirPods and loud music to cope with many things as a wife and mother feeling this way with my husband and his family 🙄🫠🥹🥲😔. Music has been my outlet and TikTok as well .
@@YadiraEspitiaVelazco87 , listening to positive people like Les Brown. I found out about Lisa on @TrentShelton podcast. She is amazing! Now this PhD is bringing the full picture in clear view!
@@joyceadamothralls4858 , they can’t help themselves. It is their pathology. When I did it back, it was so pathetic to see how weak and small they are. Not worth it because I was acting like the very thing I despise. It didn’t make me feel better.
In every conversation they’re gathering information to use on you. At the end of every conversation you’re wondering what just happened, there’s never a resolve. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. It took far too many years to finally figure what I was dealing with.
My sister is a narcissist. When I set boundaries and told her to not speak to me like this, she became livid. She said, "who are YOU to tell ME how to talk to you!?" My eyes were opened when she told me she deliberately manipulates people to get them to do what she wants them to do and to convince them that her ideas are their ideas. She had a smile on her face when telling me this! She is a very successful saleswoman who thrives on power and money.
Good for her, but she will die alone. You dont have to have anything to do with anyone who is trying to manipulate and destroy you. Family doesnt mean a thing when they are monsters. Find your own “family” and understand you are not alone.
You know I always thought it was weird that he’d call me several times throughout the work day and immediately start talking about whatever it was HE was doing, working on, whatever. Never ever just says Hello first or anything like it. Just immediately talking non stop about himself, his work day etc.,,
She is absolutely right. When you walk around being someone's narcissistic chew toy for years like I have, then you need to equip yourself or absolutely lose yourself.
Absolutely they leave .because you just disengage and they are exposed. They cannot tolerate that. I live with a 100% narcissist. The insanity is off the charts. And Dr. RAMANI nails these people everytime. Im anazed at how right she is everytime.
My mother was 19 when I was born, she didn't want me, gaslighted me until she died last December. I left home at 17 and married a brutal narcissist at 20, and had 3 kids by 25. Left a very toxic marriage after 18 years of cheating, lying and stealing, he took everything, and 27 years later the kids want him! Such a head game, he tells them that I have mental illness and they drink his poison 😢 I AM OUT!
Thank you ladies I’m in tears at work just used my last to do an apt app and starting over is scary already say a prayer for me all the stories in this comment area gave me hope he literally makes my hands shake
It is only Fear F=Face E=everything A=and R= Recover This is my motto to move on. Better place, I will always stand by this. Praying for all leaving. It is scary.
Be very CAREFUL about what you do and how you do it. Some narcissists will do almost anything to keep their convenient supply. It’s the most dangerous time to better your life. I’m saying Dangerous for a reason.
@@valleygirl2530 I made it out 🤞🏾 I’m staying with family until my money is saved we have a child so we talk but I’m solid and working through the pain of it all still in shock and it was getting aggressive slammed doors and screaming I truly believe I left right in time. Thank you so much
"He would be 100% OK with you being homeless" made me cry. I know that from my mom and as a daughter 😪 Thank you Dr. Ramani, you're a TREASURE to all survivors.
The moment for me that ended my relationship with him was two weeks after my brother committed suicide. I said to him that i was feeling very vulnerable and I needed the people closest to me to be honest because my brother just committed suicide and my now ex interrupted me to tell me that i should do the same. 😳 right then i knew i was done. It helped that he also had me arrested about an hour later acusing me of assaulting him which i didn't do....but i didn't care. The arrest just cemented the whole breakup for me. I hadn't been arrested before.... Im almost 2 years out of that relationship and still recovering from 24 years(1998-2022) of emotional and psychological abuse. Our daughter (almost 24) chose him...and literally treats me as badly as he did/does. Im adjusting to being absolutely alone... its not easy but im doing it. Worth the peace.... because he did nothing but bring chaos to my life.
So sorry about your daughter. Would u be able to send her or watch with some dr. Ramani podcasts? Sorry about your bro. Also. He grew up where u grew up...
I'm so sorry. It's insane to me how no one else really knows them. Everyone else thinks they are so wonderful and giving and sweet. And they are. All the time they are showing everyone exactly who they are. Until the front door closes and it's just the two of you. That's my life. He's amazing to everyone in his orbit. I'm the crazy bitch who's ruining his life and stealing all of his happiness. That's what his two daughters think. My daughter finally witnessed it a few years ago and saw right through him. She knows how wonderful and kind he is and she also knows how he treats her mom. 😢
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
i never knew my husband was a narcissist, because i didn’t know what a narcissist was. three years after i caught him cheating i finally figured it out. don’t engage, but understand they will find someone who will-whether you are married or not. marriage means nothing to them just like everything else.
I did the don't go deep method and learn to grey rock. Now without me holding up the relationship emotionally, It revealed a great void on his end of seeming to be almost inept at connection/empathy.
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. What ever you do, don’t attempt to tail your spouse in the hopes of catching him or her cheating. Get a professional to do it for you Metaspyhub@gmail. com Ethical remote App - particularly if you need this evidence to file for divorce and damages.
Beautifully written and I love the analogy of the farmer and stray dogs. I have survived 2 narcissistic relationships, the last one being a covert narcissist.
The story of the king...was really so good. Thank you. Is there on google a search for this story? I would like to print it out. Your explanation is gold. But not easy. It takes long to get there. I am tired, so i try to avoid all people alltogether... Stray dogs are the best. They know what real friendship is and behave in a way, where you feel for the first time real genuine companionship and genuine friendship for life. They know how to love. Stray dogs...i would not make a fence against them. Ever.❤
He gets irate to try and get you into your old pattern of engaging and escalating. That is when you have to hold the line even more. And then you might have to do this pattern over and over again for a while.
I grew up with a narcissistic sister. I was really good at not engaging, but I think using this tactic at such a young age made it form into my personality and has impacted me negatively. I tend to be quiet and let other people talk. I often get told to speak more at work. I have very low self esteem
I’m so sorry you had to be that way to get through it, that wasn’t fair for you to have to deal with at such a young age! I know life isn’t fair but I feel particularly sympathetic to children. I’ve had to gray rock most of my relationship with my kids’ dad, it was either that or get roped into circular arguments about manufactured issues in front of them, I didn’t want to fight in front of them and I couldn’t leave. He wasn’t like that until he got laid off during the pandemonium and became a big time alcoholic…so idk if he’s a full on narc or just super toxic but either way the effect is still terrible. Now they’re both diagnosed w high functioning autism….and they are perfect the way they are, I truly believe that, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s because they never…like….EVER saw normal human interaction, and they saw me under a lot of stress and duress once his personality changed. I wonder if it’s my fault, or if maybe they aren’t really autistic….maybe it’s that they just haven’t seen normal communication, or could be trauma from seeing their mother be treated badly and basically begging their daddy for attention and love and he wouldn’t even look at them. He’s gone now and I’m putting me and my little cherubs back together and we’re already much happier. But your story made me think of them. And wonder if I’ve changed forever too bc of what I had to do to get through it. Bc now, like you said,I still am doing it automatically with almost everyone, except my kids. Hell, I straight up avoid almost any human interaction that I don’t have to have. Bc I’m so self conscious and I almost feel like other people shouldn’t have to be subjected to …well….me. I bet your story is so much more common than you realize and you are not alone, I just wanted to tell you that.
10 yrs ago I met a “cool, calm, ‘successful’ guy. I thought I met my prince charming(he was very charming, attentive, always want to do what I like etc) love bomb 💣 left and right) All sudden like a train crash, he got controlling, passive aggressive, jealous, gaslighting. I was extremely confused, self blame, found of myself having to explain everything. When I got sick I felt bad and a burden. Physically I was getting sick and constantly 2nd guess myself 🤦🏻♀️. “ I had to leave the system “ is spot on. “nothing I do here is going to make a difference” I too exhausted all possibilities. I was heartbroken but he was a wolf 🐺 in 🐑 clothing. Thank you ladies !!!! ❤❤
Absolutely!!! It’s an energy “exchange” where you’re giving your all from your heart and they’re taking it with each insult, manipulation, lie and disrespect. They use your live against you. They know you’ll give again out of love and they use you till you’re all dried up.
I can't ever watch Doctor Ramani's videos enough. Tim Fletcher has fantastic videos on RUclips too. He breaks down shame, complex trauma, codependency, narcissism, inner critic and much more. They are both great at what they teach💖
I am seeing a counsellor because I needed help to manage the problems in my marriage. He is now saying I'm seeing a counsellor because I have "personality disorder, or psychotic " I resorted to being silent, and now he is accusing me of abusing him because I'm giving him the silent treatment. I've learned that when I tried to explain myself or defend myself, he would call me angry or aggressive or abusive. He has a tendency to taunting me. Saying hurtful things about my late mother. And when I reacted, he would call me psychotic
Number 1. rule..when he opens his mouth to say something....WALK AWAY. 2. No eye contact..at all. Keep your own thoughts to yourself. After the cheating and having my Heart torn out..I stopped TRYING.I HATE my husband, can't stand to be in the same room...and this has been going for 25 yrs. So stop talking, eye contact...It's hard to live like this..if you can leave..leave...I can't at the moment..so I've gone on my own way of enjoying my life because my husband hates anything I do.and now it's fine because now I have REAL things that I fill my life with now.....and leave that asshole sitting in a chair talking to himself...I treat him like a roommate that you don't need to engage with..he's nothing!
@janpressler1491 I just left and have sense of relief. Peaceful mornings. I enjoy my peace and quiet. I hope you can start planning on getting out. If you unable to leave keep your friends and family close. Do not isolate yourself
I had a similar problem. Don’t tell him anything at all about how you feel or any vulnerability you have. It’s probably ptsd if anything which is probably from him in the first place
I have some extremely toxic neighbours who have latched on to hating me - for no good reason really. I stopped talking to them 6 months ago, but they STILL are on the phone being vicious talking about me, and after shouting at me recently someone else complained and they've been told to not talk to me. Every time they write lies to the body corporate of the complex, I've written an email explaining the facts - which sometimes is just: me saying nothing's happened or changed, they're just making up more stories out of nothing! And yes, I'm fixing my place and looking for a nicer neighbourhood where hopefully my tribe of creative kind community minded positive people will be!
At minute 53. Wow. Before he left, my ex husband threatened to put me out on the street with a divorce. He said this in front of our 3 children, too. Who says that? Who goes from saying they wanted to fix our marriage and a few weeks later threatens you that way? So glad I'm out of that.
I wish I knew this 20 Years ago. My husband is a covert narcissist. I felt so unworthy over the years and thought I was crazy. Dr Ramani makes it so clear. I have taken the power back.
When Dr. Ramani talks about how it feels to finally admit you've done everything you can and nothing will ever help the situation so you turn off ~ I felt that. I just broke up with my narcissistic boyfriend of 10 years and I'm moving out in 2 days. I've been avoiding him, not giving him any of my energy and he's tried to give me those bread crumbs to keep me on his 'schedule' next month, but I've declined. I'm at that point where I'm acting like I'm sleeping when he gets home from work, sleeping in my recliner so I don't have to lay anywhere near him and I've detached COMPLETELY to protect myself. My peace, my energy and my focus is no longer in his hands. No more of that nonsense. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with narcissistic abuse. Please remember yourself, even if they make you feel like you're the selfish one. It's not selfish to focus on yourself instead of them 24/7. It's important to show that humanity to yourself, even after all of the time you've spent forgetting about yourself. Stay strong and get out sooner than later. It's never going to change and your hope will never make it so.
Good on you and I really hope you managed to get away safely and don't get manipulated back into the "relationship" because you don't deserve to be treated that way! 🙂
Ty for this. I started doing this when he started blaming me for how i was being mistreated at work and i stopped telling him real time truths. I just kept it vague and boring and eventually he got bored of me and discard me. So glad my plan worked. 11 months and counting of no contact! Hurrah to me! ❤
Dr. RAMANI, Thanks. I have been married for 56 years and this broadcast has "opened my eyes" betrayal isn't always sexual. In my case it was my values and what I believe in God bless you ❤️ 🙏
OH JESUS, I SURRENDER MYSELF TO YOU, TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING! The Surrender Prayer Inspired words of Jesus by Fr Dolindo Ruotolo. A Servant of God (Divine Mercy)
I remember my late father saying to my mother : you have no heart, and calling her crazy, and Saint Claudette when he was mad at her. That meant he knew what she is. I just wrote her an email telling her I know who she is. She is doing another smear campaign on me. I have cut her out of my life since July 2023, I am in that emotional transition now. God is helping me go through this. Hearing Dr Ramani explaining what narcissistic people are at core is too. God bless all the people who had a to deal with people like that. We are survivors! We are strong 💪!
OH JESUS, I SURRENDER MYSELF TO YOU, TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING! The Surrender Prayer Inspired words of Jesus by Fr Dolindo Ruotolo - A Servant of God. (Divine Mercy)
I’ve started binging these. My divorce went through 2 years ago, but I’m still recovering. We were married for almost 25 years, and I lost my home, my financial security, and my friends. He’s so charming in public, they decided I was selfish. I had to do it, though. It was like a 25 year vortex of confusion, uncertainty, isolation, anxiety, and depression. I still have massive problems with anxiety and depression, but I can hang a picture on the wall and I don’t have to worry about whether or not it’s in the perfect place or not. I don’t have IBS anymore. My whole body started breaking down, but I had no idea it was abusive for over 2 decades. This is all so validating! Thank you so much for doing this work!
54:00 - 100%. Apathy is worse than anger, malice, etc. It's hellish when you grow up with both, then attract mostly careless people. It's painful - really actually scary.
I finally left the most insane narcissist after 20+ years, with a few pieces of furniture, a car and a college degree. Now I have had more than 20+ years with the love of my life! We have weathered many difficult things, but our love and FRIENDSHIP has never wavered. I stayed with the first one because of children and threats. You do whatever you need to do, but leave if at all possible. God bless.
It’s so true. Whenever I’ve tried to get them to change their ways (before I knew about covert narcissists obviously, lol) especially regarding their treatment, or rather lack of, towards myself and our children, they’ve always come back with “I don’t do anything bad to you or the kids”! That’s my point: you don’t do ANYTHING! We’re invisible and it’s especially hard when you see them give so much attention, time and consideration to literally everyone/anyone else so you know they’re capable of it, but in private they’re totally opposite to you, who is supposed to be their significant other. It’s so hard to wrap my head around, I literally thought I was going crazy these past ten years, until recently when I happened to find out about covert narcissists.
This is VERY familiar with this particular behavior......and in the middle of all this I am ADHD who has learned my triggers and I have put coping mechanisms into place, and I still experience this.
I just nod and smile, nod and smile, than when insulted I I smile real BIG and say "I love you" in a very gentle creepy calm voice, one it creeps them out and two how can they turn that around without looking like a jerk 😂 especially when in public, be the calm one, the nice one, the one who never steps out of line, become above reproach, establish a good reputation and let the narc go off in public lose his temper in public and that's how ya expose the narcissist, what scares them is calm, what scares them is the uncertainty, what scares a narcissist is that you could be more dangerous underneath the calm like a psychopath, become calm, quiet and uncaring, become cold and fake nice, they notice it freaks them out
@@randideelancaster9904IT Also Depends On Which Nut You Dealing With. SOME You Can't Tease Will Think You Dissing Them. Creativity Has Saved Plenty From Savage Rapist/ Killers. Know WHEN To Fight, Flight Or Chill In Whatever.
It is unbelievable how someone can have so much power over another person. It is a form of slavery! I enjoy this interview so much! I love that Lisa allows her guests to explain their responses to the questions without interruptions! She is the best listener ever! ❤
Great practical advice. Stay active in the community so you have friends outside of the narcissists in your life. Build a strong, separate life. Pursue your career, hobbies, and interests. Volunteer. Refuse to serve the narcissists and redirect your love and energies to yourself. Maintain separate finances and retirement funds so you are in a strong financial position.
I feel so lost. I have been married to my narcissist for 33 years now. I just didn't realize this was what was happening until a few days ago. I lost 2.5 years of my life to mental depression and anxiety and after 5+ years of counseling in the past you would think someone could have helped me figure this out before now. You're right I cannot unsee it now and I am really scared and unsure how to move forward. This video was very enlightening but I am unsure I can overcome this and have my family stay in tact. It is no wonder I have been at the point of praying for death. OMG!!!
❤i used to get this all the time. Heartbeat in the ears and dizzy. I had ko ifea that was from high blood pressure. I had it all the time. Thank God Im still here.
After 42 years I disengaged, grey rocked and didn’t succumb to the victim mode. They didn’t leave, the escalated to suicide threats which was their go-to when I had tried before. I ended up calling the police to help him but it was me who HAD to leave before I was lost.
Those suicide threats are horrific! My narcissistic mother frequently did that to me as a teenager…💔💔💔 I was too young to figure out how to deal with it so first I ran away. She wanted an apology FROM ME when I returned. After another one of her dramas where she was going to “kill herself because she hated me”, I took an overdose of an antibiotic 🤭 then called someone to take me to the emergency room where they had to call home for consent. I drank syrup of epicac, vomited 🤮 the contents & listened to a nurse ADMONISH ME. Mother appeared in a kerchief & dark sunglasses & gave me the silent treatment for at least a month. It’s all about their IMAGE on the outside but behind closed doors… Wish I had known/thought of calling the police for her suicidal threats!!! At least the information is available now… back then I’d probably be the one locked up! I’m 70+ now so times have changed.
@user-ly8ft2wb1c you're right- times have changed- back in the early '70s when I first tried to leave my abusive parents, they got the police & I got the option of a home for bad children or go home to the devil I knew. There were no school counsellors or social services that would or could help - it was all: "good parents bad kids".
@@Victoria-c4n you're right. I've had a lot of counselling and it seems a long long time ago down the road I've travelled. I hope you have some nice and lovely things and activities to enjoy now.
Wow MY NARC husband did the same thing! He told me that he would kill himself if I didn’t come back I honestly felt like he were. He hung up in my face . I kept calling him back. I got no answer. So I ended up calling police. Eventually he ended up calling me back angry that I had the police come to the house 🤦🏾♀️
I agree after experiencing this behavior of a narcissistic from my x wife I truly believe that there was a evil spirit that had to be controlling her actions.
The self is broken and with it went its humanity.... that left a void which filled up with something we don't quite understand. It is more a "not-being" than a spirit, a void (of light? of the odem? of the godly spark?) but yes, it does have a quality of its own. It's a quality of lack, of something missing, of resentment. . It is what makes us feel we are dealing with a black hole that sucks in everything and gives nothing back.
![Lethal Company Music Video 🎵 "Follow The Orders" [VERSION A]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QeooZB4Z7RA/mqdefault.jpg)
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
They are many leaving comments sadly!!
I had that experience on FB and reported it
I've experienced that a few times ⏲️ I ignore them.
Yup. We know. 💯😊✊💥good looking out though. 😎👈🏻
Lisa why do I feel like you are in a Narcissistic relationship with your husband. Your reaction to doctor ramani explanation hits you so hard. Dealing with Narcs myself whenever I hear something that I experience with a love one, it really do hits deep. So Lisa if this is true you already know what to do. It's OK we don't judge you if you decide to divorce. It could be for whatever reason you want it to be. We are not in your bedroom we won't know if it is a lie or not .
"They don't want to understand you - they want to dominate you". Great advice, Dr Ramani.
Explaining makes it worse
They want to own you mind body and soul
@@youareloved8274Yeo they do they want ur brain cos theirs no good,so they wish to control it ..overbearing thugs.
🛑✝️🙏🏾AMEN N.AMEN.....🛑👹👹🛑 THEY ARE IRRELEVANT. IDC
Wow, yes! I wasted so so much time trying to explain and defend myself.
Don’t go DEEP:
Don’t Defend
Don’t Engag
Don’t Explain
Don’t Personalize
Lol yeh be a dummy great,!
@@CScriptureI know right 😮
Best advice ever and it works great!!!
It was never about you.
I need to carry this with me everywhere I go
When I asked the divorce, I was supposed to receive 40k of the house, and my narcissist husband only gave me 25k in payments, and I couldn't get any of the furniture of the house. His excuse was everything of the house was out of his money when we both paid everything with our paychecks! Yeah, he did that to me. We were married for 24 years. It took me by surprise how greedy he was, and I took our youngest child with me, who at that point he was five years old. It's been almost fifteen years, and I chose to attend school, and very soon I will earn my bachelor's degree in psychology!
Wow!! That is so amazing and inspiring to me! I really needed to see your post!❤ This sounds very similar to me- I was in an 11yr narc abusive marriage, left when my child was young. And I, too, am working to finish my degree!
It has been 3 years since we left him and moved in with family hoping for emotional support while getting on our feet. But we are still struggling so much in so many unexpected ways in the aftermath, the resulting damage from years of smear campaigns, and his efforts to sabotage my family relationships while we were married.
What has made the damage last is that there is another narc in my own family circle who has continued the smear campaigns of my ex, tells me I am the cause, and has really enjoyed “wing-clipping” any small progress my daughter and I make along the way-complete with flying monkeys- attempting to cause more isolation for my daughter and I. So, to my sadness, there hasn’t been much family or support just yet, it’s very hard. But your story is very inspiring and you give me hope. ❤
That was my experience out of three very cheap very much for themselves they didn't even care about the kids they seriously only cared about t h e i r ugly ass self and they do turn ugly
Congrats & God bless you 🙏
Good on you, mom! ❤
A narcissist loves money and uses people
Narcissists want you to fight. When I learned not to engage, it pissed him off more. I eventually did the right thing and went NO CONTACT. It’s been 5 years and I am so grateful to have my life, sanity and peace back.
My narcissistic dad just died. Funeral tomorrow. Hospice was a shit show with mom and sister. I've mourned the loss of those 3 relationships for 49 years at this point. Now that my dad has finally left my mom.. I feel free. I never have to return to the family that consistently throws me under the bus because of jealousy and narcissistic behaviors. I'm a healer and empath and I'm starting a new chapter in life... spreading love, encouragement, and inspiration to those that most likely need it most! I hope all of you empaths out there continue spreading your bright light and joy and love for life! Don't let anyone steer you off your course! All empaths need to team up and find each other... help lift each other up! 💞
Father didn’t die but my mum finally got up the courage to divorce him after 36 years - I understand that “free” feeling, and hearing my mum sounding more light hearted, happy and confident, I’m sure she also feels that freedom.
I couldn't agree more this is the conclusion I am coming to as well.
Empath, Bright Light, Love, I encourage you to speak with the heart and soul of your father in the "dream field" the ether, the afterlife, the cosmos, with god, whatever your resonant practice.. because I assure you, he was here to give you lessons to become who you are and had his own great sacrifices and pains. Become his friend, this will be the healing of the light, understand and get to know his pain, and encourage whatever that energy that is or was him, that remains in you, in others, in him.. that it may too, heal, evolve, raise his standards toward the consciousness that we are here to become.
While you are spreading your love, encouragement, and enthusiasm, be sure to give it to yourself first! So many of us empaths who grew up in these toxic environments are so quick to give everything away in life depleting ourselves. Self-care #1!
@@elmtree33this! So true
I’m finally leaving my narcissistic husband. I move into my new place Friday. He has no idea. Ladies remember never let them know you are leaving.‼️
Good luck. Hope you are doing well :-)
Hard to do when you want to keep your home for you and your children… 😢
Yes! I made that mistake
I am so happy for you 💗
yes never let them know💯
I've been a psychotherapist for 20 years. I find Dr.R to be one of the most superior practical therapists.
💖💖💖 Doctor Ramani. Tim Fletcher also has fantastic videos on RUclips.
Im done with being neglected and now abandoned for the 2nd time. Why.? Because how dare i call out my grown childrens disrespectful behaviors in my house. It doesn't count cause we rent so me im not a man because of paying the bills for 35 yrs that has no count.. so disrespect me cause im not rich. I don't earn enough to be respected thats for rich men. Not men who live right.
That is so amazing and brave. It takes so much strength and courage to do what you did. Stay strong!❤
@@jeffreybarberich5787your right about all this. My daughter is same way. She thinks it's all my fault because I won't support her financially. However she doesn't want to work. She wants someone to take care of her. I just couldn't anymore. She can't come live with me.
@@jeffreybarberich5787 Narcissists hate people who live right. They're jealous of them. You "not being rich" is not the reason for the attacks, it's just a pretence they use to take out their anger at you.
If you were rich they'd use something else for "justifying" their resentments towards you.
they not only don't care, they resent you for wasting their time with YOUR feelings
Bingo!
Correct !!
So true!
Yes!!!!!!
Bro… right?
"Once you see it, you can't unsee it" Dr. Ramani this is so true!
Yes truth
I agree. But now what?
I feel like Dr. Ramani was sent here to save us all from these toxic people. I am so grateful❣
I believe she was.. ❤
Questioning yourself is the first sign that your with a narcissist. If your constantly questioning yourself your under the gaslighting phase.
Yes. I agree totally. I realized this a long time ago
🤯
I grew up with that, until I got so fed up with it
True true 👍
Am I really in the gaslighting stage or are they just actually hurt and I am actually the narcissist? Genuine question. I really don't have money for a therapist I am sorry for dumping and asking in the YT comments. If I am a narc, can I change? Were the people with me just enabling me and lying about me being a good person to avoid conflict? Am I just a bad person after all and it took this person to point out that I am not as good a person as I thought I was before them? Can I change?
Dont engage.. thats the answer right.. if we engage we walk into the narrative.. just go silent and fade away nice and quietly
Ramani has preyed on strangers, violated, exploited, targeted, defamed, stalked, and enslaved strangers for years to build her platform, and she calls those strangers "narcissists." There is no option to disengage when abusive frauds have 24/7 access to your life and continue abuse for years. It's like saying "disengage when someone is stealing your car.....disengage when a person is raping you," and disengaging is not possible. It's ridiculous Ramani and Lisa force strangers into abusive situations for years. They perpetuate abuse for years. They have benefited from all of their lies for years. However, when their abuse and all of their actions are addressed, they say "covert narcissists play the victim," to gaslight, shift blame, and dismiss their abuse. Now, they say "don't argue or fight with narcissists, go DEEP with narcissists," as another way to shift blame, gaslight, and deny their abuse. When their abuse is addressed, they don't have to acknowledge any of their actions because they say "don't engage," and they continue abuse. They speak about disengaging when they have created and perpetuated the entire situation. They can say "disengage" when they are fully engaged, when they have worked around the clock, 24/7 for years, to create and perpetuate abuse.
Lesson learned ❤! I get it now. Silence or 1 word only. This is hilarious 😆
He was telling me some date 2/28 - I said what date is that? He said date we started our relationship! I said, oh and I LOVED it 😊
Bingo!✨💕
@@1fancychik4God Perfect!👍 💯💅
But sometimes they get crazier & crazier til you do engage... You can feel them winding up tight as clock & ready to ring. ⏰ Sometimes I give him just enough to satisfy him. It all gets so boring, I just pop off on him & drive away to read in my car for awhile. Get back & he's satisfied that he pissed me off & met his quota for now.
The Bible says, don't resist an evil person... I didn't get it till now... you don't engage, don't defend, don't explain.. you just say OK and leave it at that! Makes so much sense and I believe it!
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Good point I must admit.
Resist the devil, and he will flee.
@delaw2xoxo269 resist the devil and he will flee. Draw near to God and he will draw near (neigh) to you.
You resist the devil (spiritual being) by drawing near to God. This also applies to narcissistic ppl, by drawing near to God (on your own/personal relationship).
But when it comes to people, do not resist or argue with them.
Careful. A mad max said " Whatever " and got dreadful retrospect as a result.
My narcissistic son said to me: "Mom, you've gotten selfish in your old age."
And I said, "Yes, I have. Isn't it wonderful?"
He was dumbstruck.
Oh my! I have a narcissistic son and I’m always looking for how other mothers deal with the kid who NEVER grows up. Thank you for sharing..
😂😂I’ve been saying the same thing to partner when he tries to guilt me. It has made a huge positive difference in our communication.
@@susanmercurio1060 cute I will use that good line on mine
@@cindycasella3115don’t sound like a partner sound like an enemy
I told my highly narcissistic parents "If you want me to take care of you like babies you can't call the shots (the level of control they try to exert over me is....... Next level, They are throwing everything but the kitchen sink for me to not sleep for 5 hours straight within the same real estate as they live in, absolutely extreme people. 👍).
If you are going to go toe to toe with a narcissist, STAND YOUR GROUND AND STAY FOCUSED!!! Last Friday I shut my husband all the way down. He interrupted me and took over my thought process for the last damn time. I told him that had something to say and he was going to hear about it. I went in on him and wouldn't let him talk when he wanted to interrupt me by sternly telling him that "I said I have something to say and you're going to listen". It worked. Each time I did that it got easier to shut him up. He was absolutely silent when I was done. I mean he had nothing to say. After I said what I had to say I shut completely down and didn't talk to him nor did I acknowledge he was there. I felt nothing. The next day I left when he went to go get coffee. It was smooth AF! I am very proud of myself for making the steps to take my life back. I am safe with a great support system that accepts my autonomy and respects my healing process in so many loving ways.
If someone is being narcissistic toward you and you ignore them, you are not being mean, you're doing the right thing
That’s assuming you can spot the warning signs
Many included needed to here this, including me!!! We don't learn boundaries and have to learn the hard way... even then we feel guilty! I'm learning now at 52 how to love myself and set boundaries! 😢❤
Yes! You are protecting yourself, heart, core of who you are
My regret was and always will be not leaving sooner.
Same here. I always say overstayed in my marriage.
Don’t regret dear friend. Don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up for a single thing in life. You left at the right time, who knows if you left him sooner, you might have had a change of heart and returned to him? You left exactly when you were the strongest. ❤
Me too
Me too!
Me too 💜
I’m not going to lie. This is 10000% easier said than done ! Cause in the moment they are looking at you with a straight face projecting their reality on to you. The one that they firmly believe. Events that happened. How you behaved. When you both were there. You both know the truth but only one of you is being truthful. When they call you names that are so beyond your character. When they lie about things that happened infront of your family.
This was the hardest part of this relationship with me. It’s the lack of truth and the antagonism.
Although it took some time after i asked for a divorce i went no contact and suddenly the noise just stopped.
Its the only way.
I stay away, I stay in safe place, creating safe and comfortable grounds for me to heal, to lick my wounds, to stand and dance on my terms, to sing and love as I will.. AND... I speak with their souls in the dream space -- this has been huge for me. I have reached a couple of them in the heart and soul, because it wasn't their intent to be narcissist, others, I don't know, yes, safe distance, still hope and "seed" solutions for them, they are like addicts, addicted to this way, getting their "hits" from the energy of others, rather than realizing they can make their own.
Anxiety stopped too I bet
In that case I would say, “I see it differently.” That would be hard then get away from them
@@Ellajaie I really understand this. Almost 8 years and his whole family thought I was a liar and horrible person. The conviction with which he spoke and narrated events to his own warped reality is awful. I couldn’t defend myself and was to the point where I just accepted everything and apologized. His mother encouraged his black and white transactional thinking, while pretending she wasn’t but honestly I realized his parents are why he is the way he is and none of them will ever change. They’re just bad people.
The old school word for gaslighting is called bullying ❗❗❗👍🏼
A narcissist is a BULLY ❗❗❗👌🏼
💙
Old school word for narcissist is a bully. Gaslighting was just called lying.
A BULLY who feels they are the VICTIM!!
Yes, school bullies are almost always little narcissists!
Tactics never work. The narc talks over and makes a ‘word salad’ to distract and confuse you and take you off topic.
Word salad is a really good analogy! 😆 Oh boy those are really frustrating:/ Like there's no logic to most convos with them either.
yes, they insert all these "isms" -- sayings or platitudes that they hope will impress you or make you say "ohhh yeah, for sure".. but when you listen closely and actually ask them, "What does that mean exactly?" They are STUMPED. then the turn the tables on you and tell you you're psycho for not taking them at "face value"... ugh.
When my ex talks over me (we have child together) I talk back over him asking him “how do you talk over a female”
You're lucky if you get a two way conversation. It's usually one sided and they just blah blah blah the old word salad.
Tactics do work. I am temporarily forced to live with one, and since I started to not engage/explain, my psyche has gotten a lot better.
When you are chronically exhausted you are with a narcissist! Trust me!
So true,the stress theses vile creature put you through is unreal..such a travesty we have to fall as their prey .
When you feel as though you are crazy and doubt yourself you are definitely with a narcissist
💯🎯
When you don’t know if your coming or going you know your with a narc.
@@happyhealthyblessed Haven't heard this one yet, but so true! I remember the yearly [sometimes skipped a year haha] evaluationconversations at my job.As if I had said nothing [carefully explaining my points]] she sat there, staring at me. Giving me the idea that I was bothering her ..
Useless conversation.
Did not know about narcissism then....
Wow, she confirms everything Ive learned from living with a narcissist. Dont share personal information with a narc. Its used against you or to hurt you.
And I also learn don't show them your true emotion, Narc will use it against you.
I still have to remind myself every once so often😢
Every time.
Yep.
When ppl show you who they are 👀 Believe Them ~
old school Mayangalo 😉😎😘
This. I tried to live this too.
BEFORE Her Saying IT ......Was TRUE! She Got IT From Seeing n Hearing Passed Down Generations.
It's Maya Angelou, luv
N this is what the narc says !!
@@naes1851
Yes they parrot everything like a broken record but sadly it's just empty words regurgitated for effect
You can't ask ANYTHING of a narcissist. Either you get a muted response or a tantrum. If you're lucky, asking a couple of times might get you the result you want, which is likely very reasonable. They're insufferable and can't be trusted. All about them all the time and it's completely exhausting.
What a sad existence.
This is my experience, yes. I get a muted response or tantrums in emails and messages.
They show you who they are. BELIEVE THEM!!
💯the sooner you walk away the better!
He NEVER asks me, "how was your day?". And yes Im now to the point I dont share stuff, because I know it will be used against me in a court of narc.
😂😂Court of narc!! 😂😂😂😂😅
Please dont misunderstand, not devaluing your statement in anyway, its just so wierdly familiar and truuee.....
I literally just told my partner this but they want you to know about there and give feedback back n stroke there ego n consign what they say and do I’m going quiet very non chalant yes no nod my head I will not dicuss my plans goals nor my children and hell no I’m unable to run errands or link up ima study my ass off yep Ik they gonna be like she wasn’t studying before now she so focus surely am even if I ain’t for them I will be I’m putting myself first as they always did with me
I can totally relate! I tell him nothing anymore, good or bad!
Start a moving out fund. If you can, put it in a trusted person's name with you authorized as a signer so he can't find it. Even if you don't plan on leaving, get it started just in case.
If you don’t engage with them then they can’t argue with you. They can’t argue with themself. This brings peace, start to plan to leave.
God bless you ❤️ 🙏
Exactly. I went DEEP when I got gaslighted in my previous job, and then I declined to renew the contract.
🏃♂💨💨
Yes ,and they even turn that around like. U,bling oh not talking then nget ina mood about that.lits just the sludge of a relationship u don’t want to clean up anymore..and why should u ,cos whatever u do or say or act will be open for a argument ..who wants to live with a nut case,cos that’s what they are.
Yes, they can
Watch them self implode
OMG ... Dr. Ramani is describing my 29 year marriage to a T. He said he wanted to leave, was shocked I expected half of our assets, and then decided he would stay. I told him we'll have to just be roommates because I'm NEVER sleeping with him again. He has lied, cheated, given me an STI, and completely dismissed everything I've done for him and our children. Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I don't expect him to EVER change. I can't leave yet, but one day I will. ❤️
Ouch. Pinch me tight.
There's no amount of $$ worth your piece of mind and safety. I'd pay twice what family court cost me if I could go back in time and give him the money to leave me alone.
Stay strong. 💪
OMG....take care of yourself.
That is VERY scary- and I have been there! My ex is a malignant narcissist, and those last 6 months living in the same house with him (before I was able to leave safely with my child), were truly a nightmare. I constantly feared for the safety of myself and my child-every moment… Meaning, I rarely slept at all during those final months… even when my child and I slept in a separate room down the hall from him every night during that time. Some of the most terrifying moments of my life.
Get out a soon as you can.🙏❤️
I’m 78 and my marriage was 42 years. I stayed because of my spiritual beliefs and I had been warned by 5 doctors but they didn’t tell me the definition of Narcissist. 😮
What did the 5 doctors say?
Maybe the marriage was making her sick. Autoimmune diseases attack when you have been attacked.
100% right!! Keeping conversations surface level is all they can handle. Narcissists can't have deep conversations and they don't know how to resolve conflicts, repair damage, and build something better. Every interaction is a competition for them. Even something like sharing something you heard on the news or read on some magazine. They will lose it, angrily telling you that you're wrong and ask if you think they are stupid . If you try to give any kind of helpful information, you think they are stupid. You stop giving that info, they ask why you didn't tell them XYZ when something didn't work or go their way. You're really damned if you do and damned if you don't with these people.
NO to
Unsolicited advice of any kind/trying to help them solve their problems. They don't want a solution. They just want to complain without interruption.
Defending or explaining yourself or what you meant (I've been using the "ok" response for years. It can help). They don't care. They are just baiting you.
Trying to hold them accountable or fix them. They can't hear you. They don't care about your pain.
Holding onto the fantasy that they will be nicer to you at some point in the future. You're setting yourself up for huge disappointment and a whole lot of abuse.
Just say no!!
Bingo!
Toxic people can fake genuineness
💯💯💯
Faked genuineness has a smell. ('Has a smell' concept from Jocko Willink)
You must raise your senses, smell, observe and judge critically. Trust your instincts.
@@jamestang96 Learning from experience is key 👍
You can sense fake ness from microexpressions. Or just get the vibe from someone that something feels off. Get this a lot from my narc sister. Being in the same room, zaps me out, a strange heavy feeling. Dementor?
They can fake their emotions, but not their patterns of behaviour. Pay attention to what they do (not what they say)
They will NEVER change. It took me the best part of 18 years to realise this. I cant leave yet but i will. Its a life of misery and madness to be married/live with a narcissist.
I left.
15 years. No kids thank goodness.
Silently
two years ago. I sofa surf among family and work two jobs . I don't mind sleeping in my car either. I do what I must.
I'm tired
but I'm free and content now.
I don't have much except my freedom and my mental health.
It's an upgrade!
It's enough for now.i wish you the best. Be brave and very silent. Just go if you can!
Leave as soon as you can, they will drain the life out of you and won't be sorry, I don't know what is going to happen to my two boys and I, after divorce but it's better than staying with someone that makes you feel like wasted space and a piece of trash. That's how my ex husband made me feel for no reason. I know no one will believe me but he seriously did
Yes it is, I was with narc ex husband for 37 years… a lot of the time I was gaslit into believing a lot of the arguments/fights etc. were my fault!! If you try and defend yourself they say you’re mad, they mix you up, start with word salad, cuss things up that happened years ago… turn everything around and blame you. They are cruel, nasty people with no concerns for anyone but themselves.
@michellechambers6653 You go girl!!! Congratulations on your healing journey!!! It will get better 🎉🎉🎉🎉
@@youareloved8274 I believe you 100%…I went through the same, was with narc ex husband for 37 years… I know exactly how you felt, I felt the same, I felt as if I was nothing, unimportant,a nuisance, everyone and everything else came before me!! The narc’s are so good at making people think they’re wonderful, they are so false, put in an act… we know it’s an act… but most people out there don’t, that’s why I understand when you think no one will believe you. Just know that there are people who definitely do believe you😊
Im so happy that these demonse are being exposed!!!!!!
Thanks Dr Ramani!!
Hello , me too. The more I hear The more I want hear from Those Monsters , They being Moving around Hurting and Taking Advantage of good Human beings and No Consequences ! Some use The word Karma , what I think What way to live !
There U have , That you Karma .
I actually saw one that looked like my narcissist mom who was a demon and I pray the "Our Father" to remove that vision from my sight.
Same, only they’re not demons because demon = intelligent beings
My Mouth is open listening to this... Him being monotone me always trying to explain. Asthma flaired up like crazy , exhausted tired all the time,
Once I left... The Change was immediate.
I Was wife #3
On my Healing Journey.
So happy for you! You can now be anything you want to be without sabotage
It’s not a relationship, it is a TRANSACTION!
It's sooo true
Because I always OWE him for something.
"Dont personalise.. they would do it to anyone in your position" so interesting.
They will do it to anyone they think will put up with it.
This is one of the reasons they pull this crap on close friends and family. Most people won't discard a member of the family. Friends don't walk away from friendships easily. This could be applied to romantic relationships as well.
I have lived with a narcissist for 36 years! I just started listening to you Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
I was with mine 47 yrs, im out two yrs now, wish I'd left yrs ago. I was so afraid.
@😢bridgetwalker5249
@@bridgetwalker5249just be careful ur don’t meet another one off she’s rejects ,sounds like there a lot of them out there .
It's so exhausting ALWAYS being on guard with a familial narcissist. I have been no contact. I'm done and my life if better for it!
Same! There’s no point in maintaining contact with someone who you can’t be real with and who will send the rest of the family after you if you upset them! I can only exist as a shell of a person when I’m around them.
I am always surprised by how much narcissists thrive on conflict. You’ve changed my life Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
WOW, she is spot on! Been with my husband for 34 years and married 27. I turned 50 this year and it took me this long to realize that the apology means nothing if the behavior still continues. My son is now 18 and I have finally decided that I will not get yelled at any longer, I will not tolerate the temper and emotional deregulation and I will not tolerate smashing things and the threats to break something anymore. Its very sad when you ask them to get help and they say no. Once your done, your done! I would love yo have one session with this therapist.
Omg! When you talk about being callus I went through that for 55 years…my husband never gave a damn and I knew that!!!!!!! It’s the most horrible feeling in the world. I was sick all my life but it was because of living with a Narcissist! Had I got out I maybe would have healed. Today I am still here but I have watched a lot of videos and I am my own person and avoid him and do not react. I learned to be alone. I spent my whole marriage alone. This session helped me to see that there are people who understand. ❤
I am going through the same thing. There were red flags. I am in a 8 year marriage. I am 69 yrs and he is 77. He was married 3 times before we got married. Red flags I have missed, with deep regret. I listen to this program.
There are people who understand, and there are also people who help people like us reclaim ourselves. I'm one of those people, I'm developing a podcast, and am in groups that support me to be me. I need that, after, 54 years of narcissistic abuse...
Why did you stay 55 years🙈
I understand completely. And, I am so happy you’ve made space for yourself. Make sure you find love too. Love with good friends, family… anyone. Make sure you have someone great who cares for you. Keep your smile strong ❤
@@Oceansgreencoercion, finances, threatening
This is so true. This is why my narc left. We only texted so whenever he blamed me for something, I just tell him to scroll up. Whenever he wanted to know my day, I kept it vague. And whenever he hinted some kind interest for my info, I just wait till he asked. Then he left and said, "I dont understand you." And ghosted me. It wasn't until months later I realized that he was really saying was, "I cant manipulate you to get what I want so I'm leaving." Best day of my life. ❤
I also reverted to “text fighting” because my words cannot be used to create word salad. If they dwell on something besides the point, I would just reply myself and say “no, this is what I’m feeling”, or “no, that’s not what I said”.
The stonewalling happens very soon after I stand my ground 😂😅 peace
It's so sad that we have to be THIS strategic to have "normal" conversations with someone so toxic. I miss feeling curious and safe in a pursuit. -sigh- one day ❤
On the off chance he was not a narcissist, which is likely that he wasn't (we all have traits, not everyone has a personality disorder), you doing these things just made you the problem, no?
@@tubemankiwi maybe, could be. Survivors call it gray rocking. You may call it whatever you want. All I know is that I dont feel like im questioning my reality, im at peace, and never going back.
It’s “EXHAUSTING “…..they slowly and painfully destroy you, your life, your family, everything…..they suck out your energy, vitality, joy, spirit…PREPARE, WORK , SAVE, LEAVE….
VERY TRUE WORDS!!!!
And learn to meditate to calm your sympathetic nervous system that wants to bring you to fight and express your anger, it's futile! Save your energy to create your new life. Yes, without him. Go to therapy to release abandonment beliefs. Celebrate that you will not abandon you🎉❤.
I@@ilovemytube2010
I'm about to get a second job soon, and save money so I can leave him. I'm very much ready to start my life, on my own terms.
@@arnelevans4803 Do NOT let him know anything that you are planning. He will make plans to stop you.
I got out after 30yrs. Best move ever! Like the person above, I wish I had left earlier.
Best of luck to you. Do what you need to do to be well! ❤
My plan 17 yrs in the making, my smallest kid will be 18 yrs old next yr, as I became stronger emotionally and mentally, I got the chance to draw most boundaries. I never understood that yr peace of mind and well being is greatest gift, and loosing a property or material stuff is nothing compared to freedom
So happy for you
Some people are just toxic. There is no use arguing with them….
Yep, thats a narc. Toxic.
Honestly, you must leave and dont look back. You cant win.
A narcissist doesnt love.
Cant give or receive it.
Life is short.
Dr Ramani has great advice n all that she’s saying is so True!!! ‘They want to dominate, not understand’
I completely agree with you. So true.
Ramani has preyed on strangers, violated, exploited, targeted, defamed, stalked, and enslaved strangers to build her platform for years, and she calls those *strangers* "narcissists." Ramani projected who she is and described herself by saying "narcissists want to dominate and not understand." She has enslaved strangers for years. She has thrived on abuse for years, has thrived on enslavement, has built her platform stalking strangers 24/7 for years, and has told perpetual lies about strangers she doesn't know on her public platform for years. She has dominated, and she never had to understand, never had to ask those strangers one question to try to understand anything. She has told endless lies to dominate, over years, and her platform is built on lies. It's so ridiculous people claim she's telling the truth when she's literally describing who she is, especially when her actions never mattered. None of this matters
@@patricehoward9831 stop with your copy and paste comments on all the videos
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
I need God best therapist I. My life now I don’t have the money to pay but I got insurance
'giving up on a love story' hit so hard for me. Could not be truer words.
Getting out is the best way to end the madness.
It's so sad especially when it's your mother and she's aging and your poor father has to endure this pain and this misery and his health goes down because of it
The only winning move is not to play
That’s when you can see the game. Too often one can get caught up in the spin and end up playing-sadly, it’s the narc’s game.
Arguing with a narcissist, you are only adding more fuel to the fire. You will only end up feeling drained trying to reason with someone who thrives on drama. Your mental health and energy is more important than wasting your time on these energy vampires. Focus on what truly matters to you while they revel in their own chaos.
They'll end up turning things around and blame you of what you accuse of them of.
@@jzen1455That is true. They’ll make you apologize for something you didn’t do wrong.
I did find taking a stand with a colleague meant she shut up hassling me so much. However, she's by nature deeply manipulative, so I'm minimising contact & hoping she just doesn't find me satisfying to hassle so much anymore!
Let them revel in their own chaos . That's a good saying
@@jzen1455this happened to me yesterday :'( Mom blamed me for being like my dad although I never met my dad:/ I pushed back while standing up for myself and I really didn't like raising my voice and getting angry in the process. It's like I forget to not engage and it usually doesn't end well:(
I love this! I have spent 16 years with this madness. I keep my peace by keeping my distance. I feel so much better now. Ear plugs and loud music has been a life saver. You cannot confide in these people!
Is it a spouse or family member!? I'm just curious what makes you stay.
Totally get you been using my AirPods and loud music to cope with many things as a wife and mother feeling this way with my husband and his family 🙄🫠🥹🥲😔. Music has been my outlet and TikTok as well .
@@YadiraEspitiaVelazco87 , listening to positive people like Les Brown. I found out about Lisa on @TrentShelton podcast. She is amazing! Now this PhD is bringing the full picture in clear view!
I too cannot confide, he tells his adult kids everything that is my personal private business. Disappointing. It's been 9 years, still does it.
@@joyceadamothralls4858 , they can’t help themselves. It is their pathology. When I did it back, it was so pathetic to see how weak and small they are. Not worth it because I was acting like the very thing I despise. It didn’t make me feel better.
In every conversation they’re gathering information to use on you. At the end of every conversation you’re wondering what just happened, there’s never a resolve. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. It took far too many years to finally figure what I was dealing with.
My sister is a narcissist. When I set boundaries and told her to not speak to me like this, she became livid. She said, "who are YOU to tell ME how to talk to you!?" My eyes were opened when she told me she deliberately manipulates people to get them to do what she wants them to do and to convince them that her ideas are their ideas. She had a smile on her face when telling me this! She is a very successful saleswoman who thrives on power and money.
Good for her, but she will die alone. You dont have to have anything to do with anyone who is trying to manipulate and destroy you. Family doesnt mean a thing when they are monsters. Find your own “family” and understand you are not alone.
I literally learned that today. Don’t give them too much . I told her so much about my bad day at work and she didn’t care. I’m done confiding
You know I always thought it was weird that he’d call me several times throughout the work day and immediately start talking about whatever it was HE was doing, working on, whatever. Never ever just says Hello first or anything like it. Just immediately talking non stop about himself, his work day etc.,,
She is absolutely right. When you walk around being someone's narcissistic chew toy for years like I have, then you need to equip yourself or absolutely lose yourself.
I like that. Narco chew toy!
Absolutely they leave .because you just disengage and they are exposed. They cannot tolerate that. I live with a 100% narcissist. The insanity is off the charts. And Dr. RAMANI nails these people everytime. Im anazed at how right she is everytime.
My mother was 19 when I was born, she didn't want me, gaslighted me until she died last December. I left home at 17 and married a brutal narcissist at 20, and had 3 kids by 25. Left a very toxic marriage after 18 years of cheating, lying and stealing, he took everything, and 27 years later the kids want him! Such a head game, he tells them that I have mental illness and they drink his poison 😢 I AM OUT!
Saw a little vid on instagram, young girl leading group dance, caption is “ Noone is cheering louder for me than the little girl I used to be.”🎊
Thank you ladies I’m in tears at work just used my last to do an apt app and starting over is scary already say a prayer for me all the stories in this comment area gave me hope he literally makes my hands shake
❤
It is only Fear F=Face E=everything A=and R= Recover This is my motto to move on. Better place, I will always stand by this. Praying for all leaving. It is scary.
Be very CAREFUL about what you do and how you do it. Some narcissists will do almost anything to keep their convenient supply. It’s the most dangerous time to better your life. I’m saying Dangerous for a reason.
@@valleygirl2530 I made it out 🤞🏾 I’m staying with family until my money is saved we have a child so we talk but I’m solid and working through the pain of it all still in shock and it was getting aggressive slammed doors and screaming I truly believe I left right in time. Thank you so much
Stay strong, it will get better🙏🏻
"He would be 100% OK with you being homeless" made me cry. I know that from my mom and as a daughter 😪 Thank you Dr. Ramani, you're a TREASURE to all survivors.
The moment for me that ended my relationship with him was two weeks after my brother committed suicide. I said to him that i was feeling very vulnerable and I needed the people closest to me to be honest because my brother just committed suicide and my now ex interrupted me to tell me that i should do the same. 😳 right then i knew i was done. It helped that he also had me arrested about an hour later acusing me of assaulting him which i didn't do....but i didn't care. The arrest just cemented the whole breakup for me. I hadn't been arrested before.... Im almost 2 years out of that relationship and still recovering from 24 years(1998-2022) of emotional and psychological abuse. Our daughter (almost 24) chose him...and literally treats me as badly as he did/does.
Im adjusting to being absolutely alone... its not easy but im doing it. Worth the peace.... because he did nothing but bring chaos to my life.
So sorry about your daughter. Would u be able to send her or watch with some dr. Ramani podcasts? Sorry about your bro. Also. He grew up where u grew up...
I'm so sorry. It's insane to me how no one else really knows them. Everyone else thinks they are so wonderful and giving and sweet. And they are. All the time they are showing everyone exactly who they are. Until the front door closes and it's just the two of you. That's my life. He's amazing to everyone in his orbit. I'm the crazy bitch who's ruining his life and stealing all of his happiness. That's what his two daughters think. My daughter finally witnessed it a few years ago and saw right through him. She knows how wonderful and kind he is and she also knows how he treats her mom. 😢
The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
i never knew my husband was a narcissist, because i didn’t know what a narcissist was. three years after i caught him cheating i finally figured it out. don’t engage, but understand they will find someone who will-whether you are married or not. marriage means nothing to them just like everything else.
I did the don't go deep method and learn to grey rock. Now without me holding up the relationship emotionally, It revealed a great void on his end of seeming to be almost inept at connection/empathy.
Currently experiencing this
He would scream “Why won’t you talk to me!” I would say ok, sure. Then he just stares blankly and goes on repeat,
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. What ever you do, don’t attempt to tail your spouse in the hopes of catching him or her cheating. Get a professional to do it for you Metaspyhub@gmail. com Ethical remote App - particularly if you need this evidence to file for divorce and damages.
I loved reading this❤️
I absolutely enjoyed reading your message ❤
Beautifully written and truthfully accurate ~ Abundant Blessings 🕊️💕
Beautifully written and I love the analogy of the farmer and stray dogs.
I have survived 2 narcissistic relationships, the last one being a covert narcissist.
The story of the king...was really so good. Thank you.
Is there on google a search for this story?
I would like to print it out.
Your explanation is gold.
But not easy. It takes long to get there.
I am tired, so i try to avoid all people alltogether...
Stray dogs are the best.
They know what real friendship is and behave in a way, where you feel for the first time real genuine companionship and genuine friendship for life. They know how to love.
Stray dogs...i would not make a fence against them. Ever.❤
When I didn't engage, he became irate. So you could never win with a narcissist
He gets irate to try and get you into your old pattern of engaging and escalating. That is when you have to hold the line even more. And then you might have to do this pattern over and over again for a while.
And you never will.
Yeah when I don’t respond to his texts, he goes insane. But he can ignore me for days.
Happened to me too
@@Liz-in8lugrey rock method..act boring, depressed, tired, coming down with flu, etc ..and no personalizing statements/change subject etc
I grew up with a narcissistic sister. I was really good at not engaging, but I think using this tactic at such a young age made it form into my personality and has impacted me negatively. I tend to be quiet and let other people talk. I often get told to speak more at work. I have very low self esteem
I’m so sorry you had to be that way to get through it, that wasn’t fair for you to have to deal with at such a young age! I know life isn’t fair but I feel particularly sympathetic to children. I’ve had to gray rock most of my relationship with my kids’ dad, it was either that or get roped into circular arguments about manufactured issues in front of them, I didn’t want to fight in front of them and I couldn’t leave. He wasn’t like that until he got laid off during the pandemonium and became a big time alcoholic…so idk if he’s a full on narc or just super toxic but either way the effect is still terrible. Now they’re both diagnosed w high functioning autism….and they are perfect the way they are, I truly believe that, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s because they never…like….EVER saw normal human interaction, and they saw me under a lot of stress and duress once his personality changed. I wonder if it’s my fault, or if maybe they aren’t really autistic….maybe it’s that they just haven’t seen normal communication, or could be trauma from seeing their mother be treated badly and basically begging their daddy for attention and love and he wouldn’t even look at them. He’s gone now and I’m putting me and my little cherubs back together and we’re already much happier. But your story made me think of them. And wonder if I’ve changed forever too bc of what I had to do to get through it. Bc now, like you said,I still am doing it automatically with almost everyone, except my kids. Hell, I straight up avoid almost any human interaction that I don’t have to have. Bc I’m so self conscious and I almost feel like other people shouldn’t have to be subjected to …well….me. I bet your story is so much more common than you realize and you are not alone, I just wanted to tell you that.
10 yrs ago I met a “cool, calm, ‘successful’ guy. I thought I met my prince charming(he was very charming, attentive, always want to do what I like etc) love bomb 💣 left and right) All sudden like a train crash, he got controlling, passive aggressive, jealous, gaslighting. I was extremely confused, self blame, found of myself having to explain everything. When I got sick I felt bad and a burden. Physically I was getting sick and constantly 2nd guess myself 🤦🏻♀️. “ I had to leave the system “ is spot on.
“nothing I do here is going to make a difference” I too exhausted all possibilities. I was heartbroken but he was a wolf 🐺 in 🐑 clothing.
Thank you ladies !!!! ❤❤
You're just not taking the bait anymore ~ you're grounded
You're tapping out 😉😎
Yup. The strategy is to PROTECT YOUR ENERGY.
The energy thing so true. Body and mind can wreck your day. ❤
Absolutely!!! It’s an energy “exchange” where you’re giving your all from your heart and they’re taking it with each insult, manipulation, lie and disrespect. They use your live against you. They know you’ll give again out of love and they use you till you’re all dried up.
@@0208connie You're right. I'm feeling desiccated.
I can't ever watch Doctor Ramani's videos enough. Tim Fletcher has fantastic videos on RUclips too.
He breaks down shame, complex trauma, codependency, narcissism, inner critic and much more. They are both great at what they teach💖
Second!
"Never argue with fools. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” (attributed to Mark Twain)
Proverbs says, whether you argue or laugh with a fool, there is no rest
MY mother has devastated my life since I was four years old.im
50 now , still trying to untangle myself .these videos have been so helpful .
Wow four ? I wish you so much else and means to deal with her, I feel sad for you! 😢
same
People think they will put the narc in their place. THEY DONT CARE - is right. Explaining, telling them off is like talking to a wall ..
Ignoring them completely, is the only "NO" they understand.
+1 talking to a wall and having that wall deflect blame back 😅 I don't know why I forgot yesterday and engaged:/
I am seeing a counsellor because I needed help to manage the problems in my marriage. He is now saying I'm seeing a counsellor because I have "personality disorder, or psychotic "
I resorted to being silent, and now he is accusing me of abusing him because I'm giving him the silent treatment. I've learned that when I tried to explain myself or defend myself, he would call me angry or aggressive or abusive.
He has a tendency to taunting me. Saying hurtful things about my late mother. And when I reacted, he would call me psychotic
Sorry this is happening to you. Is leaving an option?
Number 1. rule..when he opens his mouth to say something....WALK AWAY. 2. No eye contact..at all. Keep your own thoughts to yourself.
After the cheating and having my Heart torn out..I stopped TRYING.I HATE my husband, can't stand to be in the same room...and this has been going for 25 yrs. So stop talking, eye contact...It's hard to live like this..if you can leave..leave...I can't at the moment..so I've gone on my own way of enjoying my life because my husband hates anything I do.and now it's fine because now I have REAL things that I fill my life with now.....and leave that asshole sitting in a chair talking to himself...I treat him like a roommate that you don't need to engage with..he's nothing!
@janpressler1491 I just left and have sense of relief. Peaceful mornings. I enjoy my peace and quiet. I hope you can start planning on getting out. If you unable to leave keep your friends and family close. Do not isolate yourself
I had a similar problem. Don’t tell him anything at all about how you feel or any vulnerability you have. It’s probably ptsd if anything which is probably from him in the first place
I have some extremely toxic neighbours who have latched on to hating me - for no good reason really. I stopped talking to them 6 months ago, but they STILL are on the phone being vicious talking about me, and after shouting at me recently someone else complained and they've been told to not talk to me.
Every time they write lies to the body corporate of the complex, I've written an email explaining the facts - which sometimes is just: me saying nothing's happened or changed, they're just making up more stories out of nothing!
And yes, I'm fixing my place and looking for a nicer neighbourhood where hopefully my tribe of creative kind community minded positive people will be!
At minute 53. Wow. Before he left, my ex husband threatened to put me out on the street with a divorce. He said this in front of our 3 children, too. Who says that? Who goes from saying they wanted to fix our marriage and a few weeks later threatens you that way? So glad I'm out of that.
As long as you have the kids in common to care for YOU are vulnerable to abuse. Expect to face continued challenges even escalating actions. BE SAFE.
I was separating from my ex and he said he still loved me and called me a peace of shit in the same breath. It's so screwed
It's definitely not "love" or anything close to caring for someone
I wish I knew this 20 Years ago. My husband is a covert narcissist. I felt so unworthy over the years and thought I was crazy. Dr Ramani makes it so clear. I have taken the power back.
When Dr. Ramani talks about how it feels to finally admit you've done everything you can and nothing will ever help the situation so you turn off ~ I felt that. I just broke up with my narcissistic boyfriend of 10 years and I'm moving out in 2 days. I've been avoiding him, not giving him any of my energy and he's tried to give me those bread crumbs to keep me on his 'schedule' next month, but I've declined. I'm at that point where I'm acting like I'm sleeping when he gets home from work, sleeping in my recliner so I don't have to lay anywhere near him and I've detached COMPLETELY to protect myself. My peace, my energy and my focus is no longer in his hands. No more of that nonsense. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with narcissistic abuse. Please remember yourself, even if they make you feel like you're the selfish one. It's not selfish to focus on yourself instead of them 24/7. It's important to show that humanity to yourself, even after all of the time you've spent forgetting about yourself. Stay strong and get out sooner than later. It's never going to change and your hope will never make it so.
Good on you and I really hope you managed to get away safely and don't get manipulated back into the "relationship" because you don't deserve to be treated that way! 🙂
Ty for this. I started doing this when he started blaming me for how i was being mistreated at work and i stopped telling him real time truths. I just kept it vague and boring and eventually he got bored of me and discard me. So glad my plan worked. 11 months and counting of no contact! Hurrah to me! ❤
Dr. RAMANI,
Thanks. I have been married for 56 years and this broadcast has "opened my eyes" betrayal isn't always sexual.
In my case it was my values and what I believe in
God bless you ❤️ 🙏
Yes! This what is happening with me.
OH JESUS, I SURRENDER MYSELF TO YOU, TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING!
The Surrender Prayer
Inspired words of Jesus by Fr Dolindo Ruotolo. A Servant of God
(Divine Mercy)
I remember my late father saying to my mother : you have no heart, and calling her crazy, and Saint Claudette when he was mad at her. That meant he knew what she is. I just wrote her an email telling her I know who she is. She is doing another smear campaign on me. I have cut her out of my life since July 2023, I am in that emotional transition now. God is helping me go through this. Hearing Dr Ramani explaining what narcissistic people are at core is too. God bless all the people who had a to deal with people like that. We are survivors! We are strong 💪!
OH JESUS, I SURRENDER MYSELF TO YOU, TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING!
The Surrender Prayer
Inspired words of Jesus
by Fr Dolindo Ruotolo - A Servant of God.
(Divine Mercy)
I’ve started binging these. My divorce went through 2 years ago, but I’m still recovering. We were married for almost 25 years, and I lost my home, my financial security, and my friends. He’s so charming in public, they decided I was selfish. I had to do it, though. It was like a 25 year vortex of confusion, uncertainty, isolation, anxiety, and depression. I still have massive problems with anxiety and depression, but I can hang a picture on the wall and I don’t have to worry about whether or not it’s in the perfect place or not. I don’t have IBS anymore. My whole body started breaking down, but I had no idea it was abusive for over 2 decades. This is all so validating! Thank you so much for doing this work!
Glad you got away❤ ❤❤❤
Narcissists think they deserve everything, give nothing, and end up with nothing.
Dr Ramani - without you , I would have remain lost and broke forever. Thanks for being my guiding light..❤
That “moment” will indeed show. That moment might be different for everyone…
Yes… yes it will.
54:00 - 100%. Apathy is worse than anger, malice, etc. It's hellish when you grow up with both, then attract mostly careless people. It's painful - really actually scary.
I finally left the most insane narcissist after 20+ years, with a few pieces of furniture, a car and a college degree. Now I have had more than 20+ years with the love of my life! We have weathered many difficult things, but our love and FRIENDSHIP has never wavered. I stayed with the first one because of children and threats. You do whatever you need to do, but leave if at all possible. God bless.
Now I walk around repeating this in my head…
DONT GO DEEP
DONT GO DEEP
I WANT TO GO DEEP
DONT GO DEEP
DONT GO DEEP
Thank you, Dr. R. 🙌🏻
It’s so true. Whenever I’ve tried to get them to change their ways (before I knew about covert narcissists obviously, lol) especially regarding their treatment, or rather lack of, towards myself and our children, they’ve always come back with “I don’t do anything bad to you or the kids”! That’s my point: you don’t do ANYTHING! We’re invisible and it’s especially hard when you see them give so much attention, time and consideration to literally everyone/anyone else so you know they’re capable of it, but in private they’re totally opposite to you, who is supposed to be their significant other. It’s so hard to wrap my head around, I literally thought I was going crazy these past ten years, until recently when I happened to find out about covert narcissists.
This is VERY familiar with this particular behavior......and in the middle of all this I am ADHD who has learned my triggers and I have put coping mechanisms into place, and I still experience this.
I can totally emphasize with you on this.
I argued yesterday. I felt terrible. I had gone a month without engaging then I slipped up. He disrespected me and threw daggers.
A whole month! Good for you! You're learning & getting stronger.
I just nod and smile, nod and smile, than when insulted I I smile real BIG and say "I love you" in a very gentle creepy calm voice, one it creeps them out and two how can they turn that around without looking like a jerk 😂 especially when in public, be the calm one, the nice one, the one who never steps out of line, become above reproach, establish a good reputation and let the narc go off in public lose his temper in public and that's how ya expose the narcissist, what scares them is calm, what scares them is the uncertainty, what scares a narcissist is that you could be more dangerous underneath the calm like a psychopath, become calm, quiet and uncaring, become cold and fake nice, they notice it freaks them out
Same here.
@@randideelancaster9904IT Also Depends On Which Nut You Dealing With. SOME You Can't Tease Will Think You Dissing Them. Creativity Has Saved Plenty From Savage Rapist/ Killers. Know WHEN To Fight, Flight Or Chill In Whatever.
@@randideelancaster9904💯
It is unbelievable how someone can have so much power over another person. It is a form of slavery! I enjoy this interview so much! I love that Lisa allows her guests to explain their responses to the questions without interruptions! She is the best listener ever! ❤
Great practical advice. Stay active in the community so you have friends outside of the narcissists in your life. Build a strong, separate life. Pursue your career, hobbies, and interests. Volunteer. Refuse to serve the narcissists and redirect your love and energies to yourself. Maintain separate finances and retirement funds so you are in a strong financial position.
I feel so lost. I have been married to my narcissist for 33 years now. I just didn't realize this was what was happening until a few days ago. I lost 2.5 years of my life to mental depression and anxiety and after 5+ years of counseling in the past you would think someone could have helped me figure this out before now. You're right I cannot unsee it now and I am really scared and unsure how to move forward. This video was very enlightening but I am unsure I can overcome this and have my family stay in tact. It is no wonder I have been at the point of praying for death. OMG!!!
I naturally have low blood pressure and my blood pressure will go so high and I feel hot and feel dizzy.
The heart beating in your ears and it feels as though your throat has started swelling?
Yes
❤i used to get this all the time. Heartbeat in the ears and dizzy. I had ko ifea that was from high blood pressure. I had it all the time. Thank God Im still here.
Sounds like the result of sympathetic nervous system activation! Your nervous system perceives the threat
After 42 years I disengaged, grey rocked and didn’t succumb to the victim mode. They didn’t leave, the escalated to suicide threats which was their go-to when I had tried before. I ended up calling the police to help him but it was me who HAD to leave before I was lost.
Those suicide threats are horrific! My narcissistic mother frequently did that to me as a teenager…💔💔💔 I was too young to figure out how to deal with it so first I ran away. She wanted an apology FROM ME when I returned. After another one of her dramas where she was going to “kill herself because she hated me”, I took an overdose of an antibiotic 🤭 then called someone to take me to the emergency room where they had to call home for consent. I drank syrup of epicac, vomited 🤮 the contents & listened to a nurse ADMONISH ME. Mother appeared in a kerchief & dark sunglasses & gave me the silent treatment for at least a month. It’s all about their IMAGE on the outside but behind closed doors… Wish I had known/thought of calling the police for her suicidal threats!!! At least the information is available now… back then I’d probably be the one locked up! I’m 70+ now so times have changed.
@user-ly8ft2wb1c you're right- times have changed- back in the early '70s when I first tried to leave my abusive parents, they got the police & I got the option of a home for bad children or go home to the devil I knew. There were no school counsellors or social services that would or could help - it was all: "good parents bad kids".
@@elipotter369 - at least we’ve evolved to a certain degree but our childhood was horrible.
@@Victoria-c4n you're right. I've had a lot of counselling and it seems a long long time ago down the road I've travelled. I hope you have some nice and lovely things and activities to enjoy now.
Wow MY NARC husband did the same thing! He told me that he would kill himself if I didn’t come back I honestly felt like he were. He hung up in my face . I kept calling him back. I got no answer. So I ended up calling police. Eventually he ended up calling me back angry that I had the police come to the house 🤦🏾♀️
It is a spirit that is operating in these people. Much deeper than we think.
I agree after experiencing this behavior of a narcissistic from my x wife I truly believe that there was a evil spirit that had to be controlling her actions.
@@troybrown4147 nah its just them. Regular people just being pure assholes
It's the way they were raised. It affected them in a way that developed this horrid personality.
@@troybrown4147Do not make excuses for narc poor choices to choose the Devil ways
The self is broken and with it went its humanity.... that left a void which filled up with something we don't quite understand. It is more a "not-being" than a spirit, a void (of light? of the odem? of the godly spark?) but yes, it does have a quality of its own. It's a quality of lack, of something missing, of resentment. .
It is what makes us feel we are dealing with a black hole that sucks in everything and gives nothing back.
Wow! They don't want to "understand" but to "dominate"...genius