They get you to question yourself. They discredit you. And then you focus all your time on trying to please them. But by doing that you’re neglecting yourself, by catering to them. They’re not encouraging you to improve anything about yourself. They’re training you to make everything about them. And of course that is not going align with what’s best for you. It’s your insecurities that keep you stuck with them, which is why they make you insecure.
And the moment you fail to meet their impossible expectations, they fling your self-neglect back in your face and call it a moral failing on your part.
Bingo and what is so utterly disgusting !🤢 When the more overtly dense VN narcissist gave away the fact that she / they knew exactly what they do, she flipped a long standing narrative into a re write and flipped script. The shift tactic was so unbelievably audacious and shameless behaviour and it exposed her more. It exposed that she was so clueless as to be coached by the more overt narcissist and sociopath that it exposed her fake apology - a long game con And I was still putting together what the fk happened to me and being able to understand it was hidden abuse . So I stood frozen unable to speak I also began to understand how they distort, twist, manipulate any reaction . So my kids did not fully comprehend why I was taking the hits and insults and not defending myself. I walk my talk so by not inviting the person back into my home my actions spoke volumes but I went through a lot - with a subsequent smear which took me years to understand and move past it . I cut out toxic and deal with things much better Yet it it is mind boggling how much they “ rationalize” abuse to protect their own fragile ego. ❤
@@clericoflight476impossible because it is a double standard in a double bind. Narcissists can not live up to their own standards or expectations and why they objectify others, gas light and project an image - of themselves as something they are not as they age they become more overt in their abuse ( more desperate ) and often fear end up being alone. Unlike us narcissists are terrified of being left alone . They pull their antics so that others their targets we will set themselves on fire to keep them warm ( and then pretend it is the other way around) And to you they will not only claim it is not good enough but complain as they dust off the ashes from your smouldering body ( because it left a stain on their new suit or dress ) Narcissists double standards stem from their delusional false reality - know your own reality and stand firm in boundaries 😉🫶
I so appreciate you. I became exhausted and could barely get out the door at times. I feel validated by you that I can get better. I can live alone, it won’t be the end of the world.
I have come out of it and believe me being alone is far superior to being buried by a man in every sense of the word. I have learnt to love myself and be me again without being crushed constantly and putting up with bad moods and tantrums. I have found my music, freedom, creativity, friends, family and best of all me and learnt with Dr Ramani's help what that car crsh was all about!!!!
Hang in there. I live alone also. Been seperated from #3 going on 8 years. The last 3-4 years have been the most peaceful of my entire life. It may take you awhile as each of our paths are different, but you too will also finally get there.
@ thank you for the kind words. It is really hard because so many just say up and leave. I did into another house away from him but the de programming is challenging. Have a good morning.
We constantly think about how to deal with their invalidation and devaluation and lose confidence. But rising from ashes like a Phoenix and healing is very important.
They say they love you but they disrespect your time and emotions and leave you hanging so that you never know what they are thinking or doing resulting in emotional insecurity. No openness is tragic and guessing games are not fun. If you tell them the truth they retreat and will not talk a no win situation. What you said before about being ignored as a child and being reprimanded for being you has a lot of basis for how you are treated in adulthood and what you expect back from others. I have always battled against injustice yet allowed a narcissist to control me for 19 years, few of those living with the nasty, cruel man and when I tunnelled out and got my own home he hated it not accepting blame for his actions. Impossible to live with.
When they start a sentence with "the problem with you" and you immediately feel a belittling coming up. Another I get often is "this isn't a criticism". Of course it is 😕
I hated myself as a kid because I felt like I deserved my misery. It still crops up at times but I do have a lot more ability to care for myself in the face of that.
I know the feeling. For instance, my alcoholic father asked me to spy on my mother and report to him when I was less than 8 years old. I now avoid most people because most people don't deserve me for I have no time to waste anymore. Only if I have proofs to trust, I believe but not before that.
This is a great bit of info. Thank you. It pretty much hits all the male significant relationships in my life. Eat shit and then you can see your sister. Eat shit and then I’ll help you with something you can’t do alone. Eat shit and then I’ll be kind to you. Eat shit and I’ll “love” you. Eat shit and then you have value. Don’t eat shit and you’re on your own. Don’t eat shit and we’ll withdraw everything and you’re not loved.
I got tired of eating shit just to be noticed or included in family get togethers. I When stop seeing my overt narcissist daughter, my other daughter got angry with me for thinking of myself. I came to realize that she was a covert narcissist herself. She has turned the rest of the family against me. I’m 76. I have no family.
@@beverlyadams7205 That's got to be difficult for you and my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you can find love and support from others, it sounds like you deserve it.
I ended up in an alcohol treatment center at 32. I lived and held a very good job in CT at the time and my family lived in NJ. My company supported me, had made all the arrangements and insurance paid for most of the cost. Months after I got sober my mother stated that I had embarrassed the family because of going into the treatment center. I said I live out of state no one needed to even know I was there, you did not have to tell anyone. Her response was "Of course I did". I knew better than to pursue that conversation any further.
If you worked on yourself and recovered and stayed off alcohol that is a huge achievement and your mother should have supported that and commended you. It takes guts to do what you did and not accept any handouts. Well done.
This is that lingering destroying aftermath that lasts long after the relationship ended Unfortunately many victims remain damaged for life in an ongoing self-sabotaging vortex It's hard to escape that vortex and reset yourself especially if it's been ingrained into you by your narcissistic mother from day 1 when you came into this world Going no contact is detoxing and allowing you to see reality for what it is All my love sent to those beautiful souls who are in the search of themselves wandering in the middle of the ocean at night alone and scared
Great topic!! In Codependency Recovery we learn to not do this to ourselves. We also learn to stop feeling shame. Shame is no longer a feeling I allow myself to feel. When dealing with narcissistic people, they try to heap on the shame, which is really their shame. If I've done something wrong, I now apologize and try to make amends. I don't apologize for things I didn't do wrong. I don't beat myself up like I used to. I've learned to be gentle with myself and understand that it's okay to not be perfect. Recovery is about the relationship with the self.
I want my enemies including familial ones to be well. Not, because I believe we can have close relationships but because I think that it dilutes the poison in a way
My inner child has not been affected by the narcissists in my life. She is happy and healthy, outspoken and joyful. When I let her run free, I’m a happy person.
Thank you so much Dr Ramani ❤️ I really needed to think about this more. At this time now. This week, I actually refused to comply with the narcs Bs about me. They say these things to me and just so damn sick of it. Yes, I used the F bomb too. I said no more of this. I'm still kinda " lost" but I will not go into debasement. Not ever. It really misses them off and I don't care. Still, I want to make sure that I work through these things in myself to make sure I do this right. Thank you 😊 🙏
WOW ! This was One of The Most Powerful, Indightful vids you've Done Yet Dr. Ramani ! Thank You ! You're Knock'in it Out of the Patk ! Here's to Healing for All of us Survivors ! No matter how slowly, we .ight be attempting torecover, ..Forward We Go !!!
Yes! I have recognized that I had to debase every one of my supports to keep my mom satisfied. I stopped doing this a year ago and recently she told me that I turned on her. NO, I turned towards me. I have learned that less is more, as far as information I share with her, and when I practice this, I no lnoger debase myself or others.
I had been attending support meetings for Children of alcaholics, and co-dependancy meetings . When my alcaholic drug addicted mother attacked me verbally one night, blaming me for most of her problems as usual, I calmly stood to my feet and said " are you going to talk to me like this ? because if you are, I'm leaving " she reared back lifted her head defiantly and hautily declared " How Dare you talk to me like that in My Own house !" , I IMMEDIATELY Felt like I Needed to apologize ! That feeling kept rolling through me increasing in Strength.. I was Struck by the backwardsness of it all. It was a powerful, awakening moment for me .
Also the part about them feeling like they love you when you debase yourself. I’ve struggled with this feeling of “pseudolove” I feel like they “loved me” (my parents) but it wasn’t real. They just didn’t know it. So you spend years feeling like somethings wrong but you don’t know what it is. And now that my parents are passed there’s no way to share it with relatives or friends. It’s a private source of suffering. If you share you risk being shut down. So it takes a ton of energy either way. I feel like my brain body and spirit have taken a lot of knocks in life. You cross certain thresholds and your body just isn’t the same anymore.
Debasement. That is what he did. That Is what I did. Ty Dr Ramani for helping me get a clear view. I will be watching this video multiple times, especially at those weak moments.
You brought to one of the core dynamics that ha run my life since I was a kid. As I listened, it was like a movie of my past wS flickering in my mind. I understood what my father did to me with more clarity and how I kept that relationship going 60 years after he died. A powerful video for me!
@ruthslater6364 I witnessed my mother in law do it to her husband and now my wife does it to me. Sometimes she'll use it on herself just to be able to play the victim card. It's uncanny
Debasement began with sarcastic comments, "its jus jokes"... Devalue, discredit, discard. If a comment is degrading at the core, be aware...it started.
It becomes survival. I remember actively understanding and choosing to self blame for my reaction to his abuse (CPTSD and anxiety) in order to keep the kids safe (there were constant threats). I knew in my head, this is NOT me, this is a normal response to what he's done and is doing, but I have to pretend it's me because that's what they are DEMANDING of me if I want my kids to stay alive and safe. They absolutely want you to eventually believe it IS you. It's not.
WOW! This just explained my entire life to me. I've been trying to figure out why I've always seen myself as garbage and lowered myself in all avenues. No matter the degrees and successes, I put myself down and didn't trust my own guidance, wow, thank you for the insight!
This is sick. I think I really have adopted this throughout my life. It’s really sad. I have been out for nearly 3 years and I’m still working to unbury myself. Sheesh. But I had to endure 33 1/2 years of my life with it.
This is it! She's just explained exactly how I used to feel in my last relationship....as if my true self -which was much better than whole crap they would try to pass as real or better - was not right, or as if I was naive or with a low sense of interpretation about life or people. It feels like a pact with the devil on which they offer you a crappy thing painted as awesome but in return they take or destroy your real valuable treasures.
Very insightful indeed as always and how I wish I knew about this two decades ago, but unfortunately past becomes history however ugly, isn't it, many thanks Dr. Ramani🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
Thanks for explaining what happened with me in a job situation. Even with telling myself that I encountered some narcissists, I still couldn't fully let myself admit it.
Oh my God!!! Sounds like my first husband. He would tell me on Mobday, we would go out on a date night the following weekend if the house was clean. Then Frday would come and even though I had everything in the house clean, kids bathed, dinner ready, all toys put up, he'd come home and literally do "the white glove test".. minus the white glove. Run his finger across the front of the TV, the base of the toilet, even nicknacks. If he found a.n.y. kind of dust or diet, he'd tell me what a horrible housekeeper I was. Then he'd turn around and leave, and not come home until the wee hours of the morning. Even after we were divorced and still seeing each other to "work on our relationship", he'd still pulls that sh*t, and constantly threatened to take the kids away because they weren't dressed right, or the house wasn't clean enough, or..... he had a million reasons why he was going to take the kids away. I was ALWAYS stressed... but "in love". Made me a total complete basketcsse. I wish the me knew then, what I knowhow, and would have told him to shove it uphis arse. Took me the MAJORITY of my lifetime (over 40 years) to figure out he was a true blue narcissist to the core. What makes it really sad, is I ended up Marrying 2 more narcissists. It wasn't until #3 that I discovered information about narcissism. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ The more I discovered, the more I read... it ALL finally began to make sense. What I wouldn't give to recover all those wasted years!!!!
I needed this video 100% just NOW! Gosh. Just talked with my sis about this… And gosh, I’m crying.. I’ve done this my whole life, but I have so much self love and have just said out load what people have told me… Gosh. It’s sooo sick painful and I feel so in the spiral and ner
Debasement as an unacknowledged belief creates a vicious cycle, as opposed to a virtuous circle, in terms of the internal and emotional logic in healthy relating.
I have been traveling thru 30 some odd states, with my cat for several years, self contained in a crude space ship I built myself and I have met awesome characters, but bottom line, I have zero belief that there’s a decent person out there to team up with and cruise through the short life left (67) exempt from debasements. Often I don’t know how the hell I muster the strength to move on.
Wow you and me both - stay in your space ship and keep safe as I have left the narcissist of 19 years and trying to forge another relationship only to be disregarded, cut off and feeling used. Men are something else - selfish and cruel
@@trudiegordon6327 I actually tried romantic relationships with women. Narcs are narcs, no matter their gender and way to many people are self-absorbed enough to do things like that. 😏Keep on doing what’s best for you! ❤️
My grandiose ex-wife is super into debasement. If they have screwed up sexual proclivities they will try to push those onto others as well, but then they will also lash out at others for violating their scewed up personal standards.
If any one address and refuse their ways of devaluing those in front of them then they shift manipulate and start their usual way of throwing their own shit on to those in front of them.
It is so true--"Put your face in the mud, and then they'll love you." I could never understand how my mother could be so consoling and seemingly loving when I failed yet so seemingly jealous and DEBASING when I succeeded or was proud of myself. It was terribly confusing. Still nauseates me.
I prefer not to use the f word, although this week I unconsciously let it out in a necessary verbal push back. If this is what I had to do to claim back my self respect I’m ok with the use of this rarely spoken word.
Haha nah, I haven't debased myself, I was debased in the minds of religious abusers who chose to believe lies about me and chose not to seek the truth.
I think people want to think that I had a soft life position regarding marriage before. Not quite. I simply was aiming not to have a hard life position before. I didn't want to have dominance over a man but I never envisioned being dominated, myself. I appreciate Dr Ramani's attempt at helping to understand dynamics but I still review her stances using critical thinking. Overall, I still find this collection of critiques from all of these RUclipsrs, positive or negative, of me exploitative. I can learn from it, but I still don't see any of these RUclipsrs as voices that I completely align with, which I guess is normal. I hope Dr. Ramani can accept and respect that she and I might not agree with whom my supports actually are. I say this respectfully. But, I am trying my best to be grateful. In general, I feel like I do have a grateful heart. But, honestly, I don't enjoy this experience and still feel exploited.
I’m open to new friends/different stuff. Omg…no one knows the full story. These loser labels are not real. A lot of these people are living at home with their parents
When I was 12 I began to have a hormonal disorder with growing hair on my face chin and cheeks ,my narcisstic evil mom never let me see a doctor to have a treatment neither a diagnosis I looked so ugly and ashamed .I went to medical school and found a doctor who diagnosed and found the treatment I was 22.few years later I met my husband and got married I think my mom didn’t expect me to get married she had a plan : she had to keep me ugly to stay with her all my life .I went no contact last year I hope never ever see her again
They want only a puppet.As soon as they realize I'm not a puppet they begin their plays about opressing me to being a puppet. Then duplication is happening that means I'm the rejected and they have another after their will,a puppet instead of me cause I didn't want to be a puppet.Later on if they see me they are belittling as I didn't become their puppet so I'm not a good person.They are very low level humen mentally and they are weak they are puppets,they have low level patterns.
Years ago ,l had a really fun time deciphering messages in Winnie the Pooh. I figured out Owl's sign The Wolery. was a top secret secret. It meant: They Lower. Lower Yet. ....so it didn't bother me too much when the time came that l had to lower. Then lower yet. Like, l went straight into de basement, that's how low l goed.
when i text my brother and he never texts me back, thats a debasement of me. when i text my sister and she does text me back but seems to just want to pick a subtle argument. hmmm...im thinking this is a debasement of me also. whats the answer to how i can not be debased? the only thing i know is not to text them so im not prey to their debasement of me. so sad. breaks my heart. ive deleted their phone numbers.
My sister has seemingly debased me. I’m not sure if she’s narcissistic or it’s the hubby that’s got her in line with what he wants. Either way they’re both toxic
There was an ad just right after the beautiful moment of you saying it's fucked up, and it really killed the moment. Just had to get that out, it was disappointing
Stop calling me out!?! 🤬😭😘 thank you doc for adding to my vocabulary 🥰 glad you connected these dots ... 18 years of this fucked up reality and with your help I did get out, now unravelling the bs and it seems like you always release videos on the subject I am working on 👌 there must be a collective of us at about the same place in healing 🫶
This is a great bit of info. Thank you. It pretty much hits all the male significant relationships in my life. Eat shit and then you can see your sister. Eat shit and then I’ll help you with something you can’t do alone. Eat shit and then I’ll be kind to you. Eat shit and I’ll “love” you. Eat shit and then you have value. Don’t eat shit and you’re on your own. Don’t eat shit and we’ll withdraw everything and you’re not loved.
Pay attention when someone constantly devalues you. They are grooming you. Don't let them. They're not worth it.
Especially if the devaluation is labeled as humorous, nothing is funny about devaluation in any form.
Amen to that!
@@WithAnEss exactly
❤❤❤@@WithAnEss
@@WithAnEssmy mum always did that
They get you to question yourself. They discredit you. And then you focus all your time on trying to please them. But by doing that you’re neglecting yourself, by catering to them. They’re not encouraging you to improve anything about yourself. They’re training you to make everything about them. And of course that is not going align with what’s best for you. It’s your insecurities that keep you stuck with them, which is why they make you insecure.
BINGO
And the moment you fail to meet their impossible expectations, they fling your self-neglect back in your face and call it a moral failing on your part.
🎯
Bingo and what is so utterly disgusting !🤢
When the more overtly dense VN narcissist gave away the fact that she / they knew exactly what they do, she flipped a long standing narrative into a re write and flipped script.
The shift tactic was so unbelievably audacious and shameless behaviour and it exposed her more. It exposed that she was so clueless as to be coached by the more overt narcissist and sociopath that it exposed her fake apology
- a long game con
And I was still putting together what the fk happened to me and being able to understand it was hidden abuse . So I stood frozen unable to speak I also began to understand how they distort, twist, manipulate any reaction . So my kids did not fully comprehend why I was taking the hits and insults and not defending myself.
I walk my talk so by not inviting the person back into my home my actions spoke volumes but I went through a lot - with a subsequent smear which took me years to understand and move past it
. I cut out toxic and deal with things much better
Yet it it is mind boggling how much they “ rationalize” abuse to protect their own fragile ego. ❤
@@clericoflight476impossible because it is a double standard in a double bind. Narcissists can not live up to their own standards or expectations and why they objectify others, gas light and project an image - of themselves as something they are not as they age they become more overt in their abuse ( more desperate ) and often fear end up being alone. Unlike us narcissists are terrified of being left alone .
They pull their antics so that others their targets we will set themselves on fire to keep them warm ( and then pretend it is the other way around)
And to you they will not only claim it is not good enough but complain as they dust off the ashes from your smouldering body ( because it left a stain on their new suit or dress )
Narcissists double standards stem from their delusional false reality - know your own reality and stand firm in boundaries 😉🫶
After seven years in the most wonderful relationship ever, I can finally listen to these videos without getting angry. The healing does happen
The longer you are away the more you can value yourself and you find you are wary of ever being in that situation again
I so appreciate you. I became exhausted and could barely get out the door at times. I feel validated by you that I can get better. I can live alone, it won’t be the end of the world.
I have come out of it and believe me being alone is far superior to being buried by a man in every sense of the word. I have learnt to love myself and be me again without being crushed constantly and putting up with bad moods and tantrums. I have found my music, freedom, creativity, friends, family and best of all me and learnt with Dr Ramani's help what that car crsh was all about!!!!
Hang in there. I live alone also.
Been seperated from #3 going on 8 years. The last 3-4 years have been the most peaceful of my entire life.
It may take you awhile as each of our paths are different, but you too will also finally get there.
@ thank you for the kind words. It is really hard because so many just say up and leave. I did into another house away from him but the de programming is challenging. Have a good morning.
This lady has tremendous knowledge about human psychology ❤
Thank God for her!
She has helped me tremendously the last 3 or 4 years. I'm healing & growing and casting off narcs like never before ❤
We constantly think about how to deal with their invalidation and devaluation and lose confidence. But rising from ashes like a Phoenix and healing is very important.
❤
I’ve realized I while back that I debase myself for my cult family… I’ve been learning & improving
They say they love you but they disrespect your time and emotions and leave you hanging so that you never know what they are thinking or doing resulting in emotional insecurity. No openness is tragic and guessing games are not fun. If you tell them the truth they retreat and will not talk a no win situation. What you said before about being ignored as a child and being reprimanded for being you has a lot of basis for how you are treated in adulthood and what you expect back from others. I have always battled against injustice yet allowed a narcissist to control me for 19 years, few of those living with the nasty, cruel man and when I tunnelled out and got my own home he hated it not accepting blame for his actions. Impossible to live with.
When they start a sentence with "the problem with you" and you immediately feel a belittling coming up. Another I get often is "this isn't a criticism". Of course it is 😕
I hated myself as a kid because I felt like I deserved my misery. It still crops up at times but I do have a lot more ability to care for myself in the face of that.
I know the feeling. For instance, my alcoholic father asked me to spy on my mother and report to him when I was less than 8 years old. I now avoid most people because most people don't deserve me for I have no time to waste anymore. Only if I have proofs to trust, I believe but not before that.
This is a great bit of info. Thank you. It pretty much hits all the male significant relationships in my life. Eat shit and then you can see your sister. Eat shit and then I’ll help you with something you can’t do alone. Eat shit and then I’ll be kind to you. Eat shit and I’ll “love” you. Eat shit and then you have value. Don’t eat shit and you’re on your own. Don’t eat shit and we’ll withdraw everything and you’re not loved.
I got tired of eating shit just to be noticed or included in family get togethers.
I When stop seeing my overt narcissist daughter, my other daughter got angry with me for thinking of myself. I came to realize that she was a covert narcissist herself. She has turned the rest of the family against me. I’m 76. I have no family.
@@beverlyadams7205 You are better off without - be you without all the nonsense. Enjoy!
@@beverlyadams7205 That's got to be difficult for you and my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you can find love and support from others, it sounds like you deserve it.
Good comment. Nobody wants that kind of love.
I ended up in an alcohol treatment center at 32. I lived and held a very good job in CT at the time and my family lived in NJ. My company supported me, had made all the arrangements and insurance paid for most of the cost. Months after I got sober my mother stated that I had embarrassed the family because of going into the treatment center. I said I live out of state no one needed to even know I was there, you did not have to tell anyone. Her response was "Of course I did". I knew better than to pursue that conversation any further.
If you worked on yourself and recovered and stayed off alcohol that is a huge achievement and your mother should have supported that and commended you. It takes guts to do what you did and not accept any handouts. Well done.
Excellent for you helping yourself in Spite of the dysfunction in your family
Wow! Do they hear themselves? That's awful but typical of narcissist.
I'm proud of you for it !!!❤❤❤
This is that lingering destroying aftermath that lasts long after the relationship ended
Unfortunately many victims remain damaged for life in an ongoing self-sabotaging vortex
It's hard to escape that vortex and reset yourself especially if it's been ingrained into you by your narcissistic mother from day 1 when you came into this world
Going no contact is detoxing and allowing you to see reality for what it is
All my love sent to those beautiful souls who are in the search of themselves wandering in the middle of the ocean at night alone and scared
Great topic!! In Codependency Recovery we learn to not do this to ourselves. We also learn to stop feeling shame. Shame is no longer a feeling I allow myself to feel. When dealing with narcissistic people, they try to heap on the shame, which is really their shame. If I've done something wrong, I now apologize and try to make amends. I don't apologize for things I didn't do wrong. I don't beat myself up like I used to. I've learned to be gentle with myself and understand that it's okay to not be perfect. Recovery is about the relationship with the self.
I want my enemies including familial ones to be well. Not, because I believe we can have close relationships but because I think that it dilutes the poison in a way
My inner child has not been affected by the narcissists in my life. She is happy and healthy, outspoken and joyful. When I let her run free, I’m a happy person.
Thank you so much Dr Ramani ❤️ I really needed to think about this more. At this time now. This week, I actually refused to comply with the narcs Bs about me. They say these things to me and just so damn sick of it. Yes, I used the F bomb too. I said no more of this. I'm still kinda " lost" but I will not go into debasement. Not ever. It really misses them off and I don't care. Still, I want to make sure that I work through these things in myself to make sure I do this right. Thank you 😊 🙏
WOW ! This was One of The Most Powerful, Indightful vids you've Done Yet Dr. Ramani ! Thank You ! You're Knock'in it Out of the Patk ! Here's to Healing for All of us Survivors ! No matter how slowly, we .ight be attempting torecover, ..Forward We Go !!!
Yes! I have recognized that I had to debase every one of my supports to keep my mom satisfied. I stopped doing this a year ago and recently she told me that I turned on her. NO, I turned towards me. I have learned that less is more, as far as information I share with her, and when I practice this, I no lnoger debase myself or others.
Good open mind & good attitude 👏!!! My fellow narc abuse Survivor ❤❤
This is SO helpful and clarifying. Thank you!
I had been attending support meetings for Children of alcaholics, and co-dependancy meetings . When my alcaholic drug addicted mother attacked me verbally one night, blaming me for most of her problems as usual, I calmly stood to my feet and said " are you going to talk to me like this ? because if you are, I'm leaving " she reared back lifted her head defiantly and hautily declared " How Dare you talk to me like that in My Own house !" , I IMMEDIATELY Felt like I Needed to apologize ! That feeling kept rolling through me increasing in Strength.. I was Struck by the backwardsness of it all. It was a powerful, awakening moment for me .
Also the part about them feeling like they love you when you debase yourself. I’ve struggled with this feeling of “pseudolove” I feel like they “loved me” (my parents) but it wasn’t real. They just didn’t know it. So you spend years feeling like somethings wrong but you don’t know what it is. And now that my parents are passed there’s no way to share it with relatives or friends. It’s a private source of suffering. If you share you risk being shut down. So it takes a ton of energy either way. I feel like my brain body and spirit have taken a lot of knocks in life. You cross certain thresholds and your body just isn’t the same anymore.
Debasement. That is what he did. That Is what I did.
Ty Dr Ramani for helping me get a clear view. I will be watching this video multiple times, especially at those weak moments.
Indeed, i had to look the word up, and it 'smacked' me in stomac, since its so accurate & true... 😢, grattitude from Belgium for all you do for us
You brought to one of the core dynamics that ha run my life since I was a kid. As I listened, it was like a movie of my past wS flickering in my mind. I understood what my father did to me with more clarity and how I kept that relationship going 60 years after he died. A powerful video for me!
Wow. Absolutely did not think this video would pertain to me and my situation but here we are. Wow.
On a different note..loving your rich green sweater...suits you so well...and reminder that Christmas is not far away ❤
You’re looking forward Xmas ? Lucky bastard.
Believing when your spouse tells you that you are a "horrible person"
His favorite word for me. After 10 years I just finished his sentence fir me. " YES THATS ME A HORRIBLE PERSON "
@ruthslater6364 I witnessed my mother in law do it to her husband and now my wife does it to me. Sometimes she'll use it on herself just to be able to play the victim card. It's uncanny
Debasement began with sarcastic comments, "its jus jokes"...
Devalue, discredit, discard.
If a comment is degrading at the core, be aware...it started.
I’m so into descriptive words and debasement describes so well what my mother constantly did. Thanks for sharing..😊
It becomes survival. I remember actively understanding and choosing to self blame for my reaction to his abuse (CPTSD and anxiety) in order to keep the kids safe (there were constant threats). I knew in my head, this is NOT me, this is a normal response to what he's done and is doing, but I have to pretend it's me because that's what they are DEMANDING of me if I want my kids to stay alive and safe. They absolutely want you to eventually believe it IS you. It's not.
🙏 🙏 ❤
By the end of my "relationship," me sucking was the only thing my ex and I agreed on. What a blessing to be finally free from his bondage and my own.
WOW! This just explained my entire life to me. I've been trying to figure out why I've always seen myself as garbage and lowered myself in all avenues. No matter the degrees and successes, I put myself down and didn't trust my own guidance, wow, thank you for the insight!
Especially when you are debased as a child. To top it off, he asked me to spy on my mother and report to him. I was less than 8 years old.
And they kick you the hardest when you’re already on the ground.
This is sick. I think I really have adopted this throughout my life. It’s really sad. I have been out for nearly 3 years and I’m still working to unbury myself. Sheesh. But I had to endure 33 1/2 years of my life with it.
I love that you actually said the F bomb ❤ go girl
This is it! She's just explained exactly how I used to feel in my last relationship....as if my true self -which was much better than whole crap they would try to pass as real or better - was not right, or as if I was naive or with a low sense of interpretation about life or people. It feels like a pact with the devil on which they offer you a crappy thing painted as awesome but in return they take or destroy your real valuable treasures.
Very insightful indeed as always and how I wish I knew about this two decades ago, but unfortunately past becomes history however ugly, isn't it, many thanks Dr. Ramani🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
It was a nice surprise to hear you on NPR the other day.
Thanks for explaining what happened with me in a job situation. Even with telling myself that I encountered some narcissists, I still couldn't fully let myself admit it.
This was really packed with a lot of information!
I did not realize what the debasement really entailed !
It’s true leaves you wanting to be alone
this is so true it hurts to hear
Oh my God!!! Sounds like my first husband.
He would tell me on Mobday, we would go out on a date night the following weekend if the house was clean.
Then Frday would come and even though I had everything in the house clean, kids bathed, dinner ready, all toys put up, he'd come home and literally do "the white glove test".. minus the white glove. Run his finger across the front of the TV, the base of the toilet, even nicknacks. If he found a.n.y. kind of dust or diet, he'd tell me what a horrible housekeeper I was. Then he'd turn around and leave, and not come home until the wee hours of the morning.
Even after we were divorced and still seeing each other to "work on our relationship", he'd still pulls that sh*t, and constantly threatened to take the kids away because they weren't dressed right, or the house wasn't clean enough, or..... he had a million reasons why he was going to take the kids away. I was ALWAYS stressed... but "in love". Made me a total complete basketcsse.
I wish the me knew then, what I knowhow, and would have told him to shove it uphis arse.
Took me the MAJORITY of my lifetime (over 40 years) to figure out he was a true blue narcissist to the core.
What makes it really sad, is I ended up Marrying 2 more narcissists. It wasn't until #3 that I discovered information about narcissism. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
The more I discovered, the more I read... it ALL finally began to make sense.
What I wouldn't give to recover all those wasted years!!!!
I am not only my trauma
Wow I saved this for repeat. Thank you.
This helps me understand why I beat myself up automatically. My late husband would say, "Put down the stick." I was unaware.
I needed this video 100% just NOW! Gosh. Just talked with my sis about this… And gosh, I’m crying.. I’ve done this my whole life, but I have so much self love and have just said out load what people have told me… Gosh. It’s sooo sick painful and I feel so in the spiral and ner
*net
… 37 years with my mum, 7 years with a man… I’m so tired.
This was 80% of the relation with mum and brother, and also like 30% with ex husband…
True....I've paid a Big Big price ,to keep it all toghether ,for the sake of the family😢I'm paying the Ultimate price
The message is finally dawning, I only get self abandonment from all my fawning.
Debasement as an unacknowledged belief creates a vicious cycle, as opposed to a virtuous circle, in terms of the internal and emotional logic in healthy relating.
I have been traveling thru 30 some odd states, with my cat for several years, self contained in a crude space ship I built myself and I have met awesome characters, but bottom line, I have zero belief that there’s a decent person out there to team up with and cruise through the short life left (67) exempt from debasements. Often I don’t know how the hell I muster the strength to move on.
I really get where you are, but I hope for both of us that we can get to a place and some people that feel like home.
Wow you and me both - stay in your space ship and keep safe as I have left the narcissist of 19 years and trying to forge another relationship only to be disregarded, cut off and feeling used. Men are something else - selfish and cruel
@@trudiegordon6327 I actually tried romantic relationships with women. Narcs are narcs, no matter their gender and way to many people are self-absorbed enough to do things like that. 😏Keep on doing what’s best for you! ❤️
@@susanbradleyskov9179 “ like home “ sounds good
Very strong again 🙏
Great video thank you
Really wonderful 💛🙏🏾
My new word! Thanks! I wonder how the debasement fits in with cognitive dissonance?
Absolutely been there done that. I was always horrible and even that wasnt enough. He was is relentless.
I was debased every day by my ex husband...a year later after the divorce, I'm still debasing myself and even debase myself to other people
My grandiose ex-wife is super into debasement. If they have screwed up sexual proclivities they will try to push those onto others as well, but then they will also lash out at others for violating their scewed up personal standards.
The 1950’s garbage is beginning to creep back into the public sphere.
If any one address and refuse their ways of devaluing those in front of them then they shift manipulate and start their usual way of throwing their own shit on to those in front of them.
I did this for years when I was trying to explain and reach him I would throw myself under a bus in hopes of reaching his ears not his defensiveness.
Oh, yeah! Just hit full stop, myself. Now I just have to remember it.
It is so true--"Put your face in the mud, and then they'll love you." I could never understand how my mother could be so consoling and seemingly loving when I failed yet so seemingly jealous and DEBASING when I succeeded or was proud of myself. It was terribly confusing. Still nauseates me.
Definitely ,your so right... thank you. 🏹💓
I do think of that word because of the Pixies song - Debaser!!!!! 👍👍❤❤
I prefer not to use the f word, although this week I unconsciously let it out in a necessary verbal push back. If this is what I had to do to claim back my self respect I’m ok with the use of this rarely spoken word.
In a contrary, I like that word. A lot. Very useful.
Haha nah, I haven't debased myself, I was debased in the minds of religious abusers who chose to believe lies about me and chose not to seek the truth.
I think people want to think that I had a soft life position regarding marriage before. Not quite. I simply was aiming not to have a hard life position before. I didn't want to have dominance over a man but I never envisioned being dominated, myself. I appreciate Dr Ramani's attempt at helping to understand dynamics but I still review her stances using critical thinking. Overall, I still find this collection of critiques from all of these RUclipsrs, positive or negative, of me exploitative. I can learn from it, but I still don't see any of these RUclipsrs as voices that I completely align with, which I guess is normal. I hope Dr. Ramani can accept and respect that she and I might not agree with whom my supports actually are. I say this respectfully.
But, I am trying my best to be grateful. In general, I feel like I do have a grateful heart. But, honestly, I don't enjoy this experience and still feel exploited.
I’m open to new friends/different stuff. Omg…no one knows the full story. These loser labels are not real. A lot of these people are living at home with their parents
Narcissist don’t stop gaslighting for some reason it’s like you say hello and the say “gaslight’s on” and your like “huh”!
When I was 12 I began to have a hormonal disorder with growing hair on my face chin and cheeks ,my narcisstic evil mom never let me see a doctor to have a treatment neither a diagnosis I looked so ugly and ashamed .I went to medical school and found a doctor who diagnosed and found the treatment I was 22.few years later I met my husband and got married I think my mom didn’t expect me to get married she had a plan : she had to keep me ugly to stay with her all my life .I went no contact last year I hope never ever see her again
This one here never has said, oh no, you’re not any of those things. NEVER.
Message to all. Be kind.
They want only a puppet.As soon as they realize I'm not a puppet they begin their plays about opressing me to being a puppet.
Then duplication is happening that means I'm the rejected and they have another after their will,a puppet instead of me cause I didn't want to be a puppet.Later on if they see me they are belittling as I didn't become their puppet so I'm not a good person.They are very low level humen mentally and they are weak they are puppets,they have low level patterns.
❤ ya Dr R!
Years ago ,l had a really fun time deciphering messages in Winnie the Pooh. I figured out Owl's sign The Wolery. was a top secret secret. It meant: They Lower. Lower Yet. ....so it didn't bother me too much when the time came that l had to lower. Then lower yet. Like, l went straight into de basement, that's how low l goed.
I still can not comprehend how one human can do that to another. Silly me.
Thank you💔💛🕊️
This is what my mom did
❤❤❤love this episode
Thank you
I am going to have to stop watching for a bit because I need to pray
Doing just that bc I need to cry.
when i text my brother and he never texts me back, thats a debasement of me. when i text my sister and she does text me back but seems to just want to pick a subtle argument. hmmm...im thinking this is a debasement of me also. whats the answer to how i can not be debased? the only thing i know is not to text them so im not prey to their debasement of me. so sad. breaks my heart. ive deleted their phone numbers.
Maybe I'm wrong, but does trauma bonding actually elicit the fight or flight response?
My sister has seemingly debased me. I’m not sure if she’s narcissistic or it’s the hubby that’s got her in line with what he wants. Either way they’re both toxic
Yes.
I inherited from my mother, I passed it down to my children. When does it end ?
True
There was an ad just right after the beautiful moment of you saying it's fucked up, and it really killed the moment. Just had to get that out, it was disappointing
It’s just a word. Quite sad actually, that it “ killed the moment “ for you. Exercise in “ criticize less” perhaps ? Live and let live.
@@matilda1505 What? I'm saying the ad killed the moment, not the F-word
@@matilda1505 and I didn't ask for your advice, simply said how I felt
Mu apologies
❤
😢
22nd, 16 November 2024
8:56
Dr Ramani, language please 😂😂😂
She gave us language! 👍🤣😂
@@susanbradleyskov9179 That we all understood.
💔 ❤️🩹
Pseudoscience
Not till you live with narc for decades and have kids with one.
Stop calling me out!?! 🤬😭😘 thank you doc for adding to my vocabulary 🥰 glad you connected these dots ... 18 years of this fucked up reality and with your help I did get out, now unravelling the bs and it seems like you always release videos on the subject I am working on 👌 there must be a collective of us at about the same place in healing 🫶
This is a great bit of info. Thank you. It pretty much hits all the male significant relationships in my life. Eat shit and then you can see your sister. Eat shit and then I’ll help you with something you can’t do alone. Eat shit and then I’ll be kind to you. Eat shit and I’ll “love” you. Eat shit and then you have value. Don’t eat shit and you’re on your own. Don’t eat shit and we’ll withdraw everything and you’re not loved.
I was debased every day by my ex husband...a year later after the divorce, I'm still debasing myself and even debase myself to other people