4 Reasons Narcissists Desperately Need A Scapegoat
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- Опубликовано: 21 апр 2021
- While narcissists won't admit it, much of their way of life is an effort to shift blame and shame off themselves and onto you. Being deeply insecure, they need a scapegoat to absolve themselves from their many dysfunctional patterns. Dr. Les Carter explains 4 reasons they are so desperate to find a scapegoat (you), then outlines how you can avoid that role.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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After 40+ years of being spouse’s scapegoat, I am happy to say I am now the “escaped” goat!
Good one, that’s a keeper! Thanks! 👍🏼
Congratulations! 🎉🌼🎉
Yes, sweeeet freedom!
Hahaha hahaha that's exactly what I call myself!
BRAVO 💕
Recipe for being a narc’s scapegoat:
1. Be introspective
2. Be vulnerable or courageously authentic
3. Be self-responsible
4. Be content
Also, be one who gladly serves others, forgives and gives many second chances, and who tries to think the best of others. Caution: don't keep doing the same thing, hoping for a different outcome: believe what you see, and take care of yourself.
It's why I absolutely *hate* it when people say, when offering "advice" and opinions on why they think horrible stuff has happened to you at the hands of narcissists, 'you attract what you are'. You can, as in the case of scapegoating, attract those who do not possess the traits that you have (such as those you have listed above). So they latch onto you kind of like a parasite
@@michelepascoe6068 so true
@@sampsta1505 Thanks. I believe who we are is shown by how we respond to what happens, not by what happens.
@@michelepascoe6068 I'm done with 2nd chances. One lie+ bye!
I really can't think of anything more evil than using a child as a scapegoat, as my dad has done to me all my life.
Just waking up to the 'all my life' at 52. So sad when it's a parent, someone who is supposed to protect you. Worse now than ever. Time to go.
Mine beat me like a whipping post until I started running away. You have to be sick to beat a little girl like he beat me.
I really understand your feelings, I've moved to greener pastures
@@juliettedauterive3745 I had a little girl. Only then did I realize the depth of depravity it took to do some of the stuff that I endured. It blows me away to think of how often I was told I was loved on one hand then humiliated and degraded on the other.
Agreed. For me it was my mom who set that standard, and my dad and 2 older brothers just followed suit. In my 50’s now. The best years of my life I spent struggling with severe esteem issues. I can effectively say, they obliterated my life. I wouldn’t say I’m fully healed now, I will always remember, but have found my niche in life and have a very fulfilling purpose. Hope you are in those shoes as well
Scapegoats grow up thinking that everyone’s bad day is somehow their fault and they need to make it better or fix it.
Candy Bradford,You got a lovely smile 😊
I can relate to that. I'm working on protecting me from myself. It's hard though because I just want everyone to get along. Pipe dream I know! Jo
Wow, that hit me in the gut.
I certainly did! I thought I was a walking ‘bad’ because my father loaded all his hateful blame and shame on me, his chosen scapegoat.
Exactly and I fell in to them coming to me and making demands I help them, obey them...read their minds and fix all their problems. I divorced the Top Covert Malignant Sociopath....and then he tells our Adult kids...your mother has to do what you tell her to do. I refuse to. Because they lie like he does. So now I am a condemn mother for remarriage to an honest good man. And we're retired and I don't obey entitled adult kids. When I do things for them out of love and they abuse me for it. They set me up to blame me. To run and lie to their dad ..Dad, mom won't do what I want ....to get his attention.
Envy is the primary reason why they scapegoat others. Envy fuels their hatred of the scapegoat. Narcissism is a character disorder, so the scapegoat is usually a good person who they are trying to bring down to their dirty level. If you are being scapegoated, do not play their game, if possible it’s best to cut off all contact and leave them high and dry. They lack insight and don’t have a clue about anything that is outside of their own delusional way of thinking, so just walk away and leave them alone.
I totally agree, you put it perfectly!
As far as I’m concerned the only solution for the scapegoat is to go no contact forever. As the empath child I was targeted for scapegoating by 4 years old. At first my “parents “ would look at me strangely and say “Wow...you’re so empathetic and compassionate towards people!”. It didn’t take long for them to turn me into the punching bag. Left at 59. That’s waaaaay too long for anyone to take tremendous abuse. I was the sacrificial lamb, scapegoat and I refuse to take 💩 from anyone now. The trick is to catch it when it happens though. I’m so easy going....
and just let go of social perceptions. You may have to leave them most people and start over with new people they don't know.
@@christar9527
I don't know how you managed. My parents scapegoated my brilliant (high IQ), loving (humble and emotionally intelligent) and empathetic sibling when the child objected to their behavior at the age of 3. From then on, they put that child through hell. They were older than me, so I didn't witness it all, but I saw enough, and the aftermath, how they suffered all their life. My sibling died with a still-broken heart at the age of 50, still confused as to why they were disdained and rejected. Given all that I did witness, the abuse, the lies, I went no-contact in my twenties, and it was a very wise decision. Wishing does no good, but it would have been great if my sibling could have known what we know here. Such parents try to make their children pay with their lives, for the parents' madness. Of course, now we know where the story of Cinderella came from, from so many parents.
Since I was a young child my mother scapegoated me and I believe it was because she was actually jealous. I got straight "A"s, not a word of praise....so foolishly I tried harder. When I moved out in my mid 20's she considered it treason and refused to visit me despite the fact I lived 20 minutes away. Many years later I was summoned to the hospital because she was dying. I looked at her and said "You know, you really missed out by refusing to see my place. It's really nice and I just love it!". I waited to hear if she expressed any regret for how she treated me. Nope.......
Narcs are never responsible for their bad decisions snd behaviour... it’s always someone else fault ...
Amazing how that works. Dr. C
Dr. carter..it.s NOT amazing if you view this from a spiritual perspective..establishing the root is simply EViL.
They are demonically infested .
Much gratitude for explaining this concept of why the reprobate must have a scapegoat.
You could design a Ph.d. program on the manifestations characteristic of these interspecie human predators.
So happy to see beautiful Gus . 🐶
Much gratitude 💕 Susan
@@miraclesforus2 I think mr c meant the description in a lighthearted way
@@miraclesforus2 I get the impression that Dr C meant the word 'amazing' in a negative light e.g. "that person did an amazingly stupid thing". Have googled the word and it can have both positive and negative connotations. Correct me if I'm wrong!
At church, we talk about accountability a lot. It is very empowering. When I take responsibility for my poor decisions, I have the power to change for the better.
People, and I'm not just talking about narcissists here, drift through life blaming anything and anyone but themselves for their circumstances, they do not do well.
4 reasons a narcissist needs a scapegoat
1-cover up obvious flaws and problems
2-can't resolve shame from external sources
3-they want to claim extra self-righteousness
4-i should never be shamed, i'm above that
My narcissist mother would often talk to me as if I were ill-tempered, pretending I was someone who was easily offended, queen-like or difficult to please. No one would describe me that way. I used to tell myself, she's trying to get me to hold her bag of s**t. They need someone to hold or own the characteristics and behaviours they're ashamed of.
They're the Masters of Projection. All of their faults become yours.
@@kesmarn So true - and sometimes it would feel, at least to me, that she wanted me to be just like her, or even switch places. I could see her misery and always wanted to get away from it.
Omg this is good pointing
🤭...whoa...
🔨 💯
Being made the scapegoat to a parent is so damaging. You are basically a screen they can project onto. You are referred to in the 3rd person, spoken about to others while you are standing right there. You are hated because what you represent is all of their failures and bad qualities that they can not own.
Yep
It is just disgusting. Is there any justice to be had?
I am my family’s scapegoat. I feel a deep sympathy for them , the abuse I grew up with , they had to learn . However , I can not carry their sins anymore .
Good for you!!!🙏🙏🙏
I turn 49 next month, after my best stretch with out even a phony l holiday display ,I agreed to see mom for her birthday, but It had to be at my sister's ... after 7 children moms never met me there . I gave her the challenge . It worked. Mom went mad & my sis finally took notice & asked her to leave. We had our first cup of tea ..... , Mom why can't I have a cup of tea with my sister? It'd be kinda of rude to leave after she just poured it! No you need to leave.... as she alarms the children , .. I tied up the dog I brought. "Your dog needs you, Jenny ... then she wants me to seek out missing ducks.! Pray I really forgive my sister ! & move on leaving the door open.
@@jennyanderson4796 , I’m sorry . I’m 47 , and I went no contact a few years back . Unfortunately, I was so convinced that I was the only person my family abused ( physical , 1984 type physical and psychological , exc ) that I let my parents spend time with my kids .... my mother was abusive to them , and I had to save my kids . Now I work to save myself . I don’t know if you know the term grey rock , but it really helps get you thru . Good wishes sent to you . Hang in there .
🗽🍀🕊❣️
I totally relate
They are so self righteous they make me sick.
They need desperately to shift their problems and blame on to others? Part of their fantasy life
Well written Tootie 🏅
@@noracharles9366 thanks Nora🕊️💖
Perfectly said!
Spot on! Thank you.
That's right!!!
I've been my mother's scapegoat for more years than I can say. The more I learn is the stronger I feel. I decided that the people in my family (everyone) that have become estranged from me have continually listened to my mother's lies and therefore are no longer important to me. Thank you for helping realize that for all these years it wasn't me... it was my mother's mental illness that created this very sad situation. I'd rather be alone than be a scapegoat.
Ditto for me ALSO
You are very brave!
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice. And that's how we grow. But narcissists won't grow, and you better not make them.
@@dcg31free yes, it causes us to look more clearly at our own true nature and our idea of what is really self, or not self. Then we can see narcissist attributing things to themselves that are not really them. Being with them and holding correct view can fix perception errors in them.
@@dcg31free So Well Said!
true!
You can't make them. He'll to pay if you attempt to better the situation
The reason I've seen: they ain't anywhere as good as how they present themselves, and they need someone to deflect blame to for failed projects, endeavors, and situations.
“...a lifetime of compensating for [their own] lack of specialness...” Wow, that’s the best definition of neediness
I agree and I remember another very good sentence from an earlier video: they've never had the luxury of being truly important (or special, unique, etc.) so they want to compensate this hiatus. They overcompensate it. It's important to remember all this when their scapegoating behaviour is getting unbearable.
It has been my personal experience is that those who are narcissists are intensely jealous. They know they are flawed but want to believe we are flawed so they can feel above us. Even when we do a good deed toward them or others they find some way of making us feel stupid for that good deed. They want to see our kindness as a weakness because good deeds shame them in their own mind. They feel shame because someone else does a good deed and they do not. Instead of seeing the good deeds of others as examples to follow they are jealous that someone else enjoyed doing good, even if we do not speak of our good deed. Feeling joyful and happy is enough to make a narcissist despise us.
Your insight is powerful and completely on point. Thank you. That was very helpful to me. I hope you now have freedom from this narcissist and are around people who respect and appreciate you for who you are.
Well put
Totally
Absolutely! 👍
Since moving back home, I’ve come to notice that my mom is the scapegoat for my dad. He “lets” her do things, then gets mad at her for not doing it HIS way 😮 Example, she will call the cable company (because HE doesn’t want to), then yell at her (DURING the call!) for not saying exactly what he wants her to say. It’s so infuriating to hear this. He will berate her at least once a day. Then, if I say something that my mom does that annoys me, he will laugh at it like he’s saying “See? I was right about her”. I just moved back 2 years ago, but was gone for 15 years - I wonder how bad it was during that time. He’s 80, so he’s set in his ways and no amount of reasoning will change him. She is so trauma bonded that she can’t leave him or stand up to him, she just takes it. My respect for either of them has gone down considerably since witnessing this behaviour - and there’s more involved than I care to post here. My only hope for my own sanity is to move out asap, then go little to no contact.
The closest my ex ever came to apologizing was when he said, “I’m sorry you see it that way.”
Not even close enough! Dr. C
That's what is told to answer the Narc!!
Answering this ..that person for sure had studied about this..well knowing its behaviour actions!!!
Your "ex"? EXcellent for you! Best wishes to you for a happier life.
@@m.m.3030 I never regretted that decision!
@@nancymurphy6483 i have to find a new apartment to move to in April or May with my companion animals. I have mild ASD and I'm on disability. I'm in a difficult struggle. My cats are my only family. My sister is disturbingly covert narcissistic. She ruined me financially years ago. I'm renting from a creepy, extremely covert narcissistic woman with a convincing public persona. I gave her so much help at her place since we moved in. She treats me with contempt. Many details here. But no agency will help me. The last place I rented I was left in the lurch by every single authority. I was a crime victim there many times over, including assault. No one would help. I was given pariah status. So this person "saw me coming" , took us in . She's been telling me lies the whole time to control me. And she gossips to everyone about me. Painting herself as the kindly "do gooder" .She monitors me,etc. And there's absolutely no one I can talk to who'll believe me. I'm doing everything I can to find an apartment to rent ASAP. I pray and meditate too. Thank you for letting me get a bit of this off of my chest. You must have worked so hard to get away from your "ex". I'm working very hard now also.
When you start to recognize people who aren’t ashamed to show their true humanity through their vulnerability you see how deeply boring and zombie like narcs are. They are basically fake people who fake being human, through creating a false persona. Look for the people who truly show their vulnerability and don’t fear taking responsibility for healing their trauma and pain. Narcs will look entirely dead in comparison and you won’t want anything to do with them. Edit: I do have to say I understand how painful it is when the narc is a parent, child , sibling, it’s incredibly difficult to accept they are choosing on some level to be shame based and live as a false persona. It’s incredibly sad and not always easy to not know them, or go no contact. It’s deeply sad. I’m not negating that by sounding flippant about just cutting them off or seeing the truth of who they are, it’s a damn hard process to come to terms with someone you love being a narc.
Exactly!! Well said.
But...it is heartbreaking when that person is your granddaughter.....I still love her but don't know if she will ever change.
@@cheryldrumheller1736 I hear you completely. It’s incredibly heartbreaking. My sister is a narc and it s hard for me to come to terms with. Not the same as a daughter or granddaughter but I do understand the heartbreak you feel.
Amen
Wow you are exactly correct! Thank you.
Where do i start?
They need to lash out at someone for their hurts. They need to transfer their behaviour (projection) onto someone they can exploit and bully, to not only give themselves a free pass by lying to others' that you are a bad person and do what they actually do and need to be hated. They also need to transfer themselves onto someone so they can treaat them badly, because they are deeply insecure and hate themselves (for having been hurt). They also need to domonate, control, demand, as if they are owed, but not by the one(s) who hurt them, but by a "weaker" person who will allow it. They are deeply ashamed of themselves, but they want someone else to take their deep hurt away by becoming their narc selves, but don't see it as that, but that they are a victim, while creating their abuser via lies onto an innocent victim they can control, and who won't work them out. They need a whipping boy, to repay the sbuser through them, but also to continue on the abuse they had because they loathe themselves for why something happened to them. And they need revenge. Their ego's are super sentitive and high, but their self-esteem is seriously low...always a bad mix. In their quest to control what happened to them, they control anyone they can and will suck the life out of them.
They hate who hurt them, but they hate themselves for being hurt. They had no control then, but now they do, and they are going to use it by any means possible to manipulate and control someone they can. They also like to take from unsusspecting, caring, empathic, cheery, generous, likable, helping, decent others' their attributes to have as their own personality (like a bird stealing shiny things) and transfer their traits onto that person. Theft! Then make you pay for being horrible (them), and have everyone believing you are you are them, gaining support or kindness for being so nice to that horrible person. They want everyone to hate you and blame you for what they do. They cannot accept that they are wrong or are what they aree. A scapegoat solves that problem.
Angela....absolutely 110 % SPOT ON!!!!! So true!! I kept saying....why do you want me to be all of these roles for you in your life? TRUTH! I represent all people in his life that hurt him!! Mother, sister, ex wives. ..all of them!!!
Gus is SOOOOO cute!!!! ❤
It is so true! What is stunning, that no matter where the person comes from, nationality, whatever, the pattern is similar to all of them, as if it was a virus, an evil spirit, something which abides in them all. What you tried to explain now, is an absolute true for that person I know and I could not understand what was happening. I blamed myself all the time...nevertheless I was coming to see some details of my behaviour, attitudes, manerisms, phrases adapted by him...At the same time, I was being blamed for being envious, stupid, not understang etc. Only now, when I discovered dr. Carter, i am starting to understand what it is all about. So thank him and your comment was also a revelation for me.
@@gionagrace3343 very clarifying to me
Thanks 👍
Impressive comment! You really explained how to is the relationship is!
Contempt, disdain and boomeranging is the only way they know how to communicate....unless they want something from you!
So on point!
@@debraoneal7917 I agree…the minute they want something, they’re as nice as nice can be! They get it, and eventually you become the scapegoat again.
@pasture green their relationships are all transactional and about what they can get from you or someone else. They have an unhealthy need for constant admiration, but they treat those closest to them with such contempt that it becomes impossible to admire them. It is the most confusing and unhealthy way to live. They will never find happiness and if you stay with them, they will make sure you are unhappy too!
@@julesm1273
. ". confusing," you wrote > Has anyone here found their mysterious contempt, disdain and hatred hard to understand? I wonder if any of them ever reaize that they're not rational, and I wonder if any of them ever realize that we know they're irrational. They're beyond Reality, and they seem not to skip a beat regarding that.
@@cacatr4495 it took me awhile to realize the pathology I was dealing with because their insidious methods of breadcrumbing, future faking followed by disregard and rage is so confusing to understand.
They have 2 faces, one when alone with you and one when others are around. They will act all perfectly normal around others. The great thing is they can't hold it for very long if you expose their hypocrisy.
Now if we grow up surrounded by them dont we learn these dumb social over the top acts... to distract the skeaming going on... I've that trait talking to strangers being friendly but not close. It is a cover while not yet broken away from the shameful platform. Ugh
I see no lies told here.💣❤💯
You are missing the most important. The face they have when others are around, but you are not. They have no compunction with triangulation, and that causes problems that are so hard to pin down.
😅🤣 yep
I think my being a scapegoat saved me. My siblings were harmed even worse for being part of ‘colluding’ with the parents. They were treated as perfect as they all abused me. As adults they have far more suffering than me.
An odd, yet understandable set of circumstances.
Being abused, ignored, disrespected, shamed, & suppressed. It makes me sick & beyond angry just thinking of the incredible potential of us scapegoats, who could have had a tremendous positive impact on our families, communities, companies, & careers. I'm happy to know that you have shared custody with Gus.
Perspective from this Scapegoat - Learning to not care what anyone thinks about me whatsoever became my ultimate freedom. Had to let most of my manipulated family members and some friends go because I can’t compete with my narc mother’s tactics. Her narratives and manipulation skills are beyond imagination.
I've been a scapegoat for people since I was a child and I'm 61 years old now! I'm slowly undoing my programing though. Mind you, it's a shame I didn't get paid for it because I was a hard-working and loyal employee, especially with explaining and justifying my existence, which means that I'd be a millionaire by now. 😁
Wow same here I am so sorry about this for anyone who suffers
.
54 ... and learning too
You're not alone....
So busy doing for others that we neglect ourselves...
The same themes keep coming up: they can’t introspect, they won’t take responsibility, they need to appear perfect to others, and they’re unique. On the flip side, folks who are docile let them for fear of rocking the boat.
Rock the boat. Quietly, calmly, yet firmly. Just don't play into it.
They are manipulative, however you have that option to just let them face the fact that they aren't able to write the script and things just will not go according to their plans. Period.
They can't Introspect because they have always looked at people's responses to them as a measure of their worth. They feed on compliments and thus train people to be nice to them.
Well said. I finally broke free yesterday. Feeling much better already!
Absolutely- spot on.
Absolutely. I can't tell you how many times my clients tell me they can't "ask for what I want (or say 'no') because I don't want to rock the boat".
I’ve been with both and I have a harder time with a covert than an outright aggressive narcissist. At least with the grandiose, they make it clear that they’re never at fault and you’re never good enough. With a covert it’s all passive aggression and resentment under the surface, so you feel hope that there’s just some misunderstanding that you can clear up and then have a healthy relationship. Neither ever change though, and once they pin you as their scape goat, that’s how they see you forever.
Yes. You can never change how they see you. I finally realized it after a lifetime of trying to explain myself. They don't listen and do not care.
Exactly. Well said.
Sadly, I know all too well just how true that is. Every bit of it! I really LOVE animals - all kinds of them - but I hate being his "goat"! It's been absolutely devastating & has destroyed "us" & especially, me. He seems ok with it tho. (Go figure.) My health - mental & physical - & my life, every aspect of it, all a waste. Now my life will soon be over & I am so looking forward to that, since it's really been over for long time already. I want it to end, sooner rather than later. It's not been a life & for sure not MY life, been over for decades, just didn't know it, or unwilling to accept it as true.
What I will never understand is how someone can change 180° & "turn narcissist" so late in life, when for 30yrs he was humble, sweet, honest & loving. Communication was always our strong suit!?! Now that's just a sick joke. He was always Passive-Aggressive type, but not a prideful or mean bone in his body...until maybe 15 yrs ago. Then, 10yrs ago, everything changed horribly & I'm now married to a person I don't even know; wouldn't even date him if met now! I was shocked to realize that he had indeed, gone total narcissist on me! Tho he denies it all & claims to still love me - as if nothing is different, when everything is vastly different & he can't NOT know it! Can he?
It doesn't matter. Far too late to find the guy I was soulmates with for over 1/2 my life.
I'm no longer his wife. His "great love". There is no "us", no "we" -- we do NOTHING together for too many yrs. I tried all I could. The "other woman" who got in the way had something I can never have...she's his Mom. Ran to her & she told him constantly that HE is perfect. Not once suggesting anything less, or that he should talk to ME if there are issues to discuss. I was left out of my own marriage! Why should he face his less than perfect behavior, when Mom's right there to tell him he's perfect all the time?
What made no sense until now is, why not let me go? Why make me stay? 4 suicide attempts should've been a clue how miserable I am...but now it all fits. Everything Dr C said here -- I am his perfect little SCAPEGOAT! Dr C described it all as if he knows us. "Oh dread."
My mother-in-law passed away 1yr ago, but her legacy lives on. Soon enuff, I too will be dead & gone. No one will even notice. Or care. I will finally be free ~ no more sorrow; no more pain. I can hardly wait for that glorious day!!!
I used to think the opposite of LOVE is HATE. It isn't. Both are passionate emotions. The OPPOSITE of LOVE is INDIFFERENCE!!
I'm a stinkin' empath ~ I can't do/be indifferent. Sure wish I could tho.
Thats how they see you forever, huh? Been recognizing this for years now, .. keep going longer stretches away its not enough I guess.
So true! And the heart just doesn't give up when feels that way..."hope". Covert is so dishonest! If gonna be narc, than just "own it"! At least be honest about who/what you are, ya' know? Least they can do...
I am sorry to say in 36 years of marriage there has NEVER been a problem solved where the Narc took responsibility for they're part!! Dang I'm exhausted!!
In 40 years, there has never been any resolution to any problem. Thank God I got out...finally!!
In 42 years total, I can only agree with both of you wholeheartedly!
In my case, there are 'bad' days & "nothing" days, but no 'good' days. How is it that they can be a "normal" person, able to communicate & be responsible for themselves for years - until married, and that commitment makes it ok (to them) to "let their narci flag fly"??
Feels like total 'bait & switch'! 100% opposite! Wish I'd found Dr C. years ago, before I got thoroughly stuck in this quicksand!
This is the saddest thing. I've seen this continue to the next generation.
Married one, & my sons picked it up from all the men, I like my sons girlfriends... hopefully we can sneak in some awareness somehow break the patterns. On an individual basis. Doesn't love heal all?
@@jennyanderson4796
Truth heals all, but only if the individuals are completely invested in the truth, all the way.
@@cacatr4495 thx finally allowed my sons new experiences to trump the old narc imprint- feared it was hopeless ,I know he will have a tough time staying a step ahead his ego . Batting childhood trauma away with addiction /avoidance - God is great he's given us dr. C
I’ve been so miserable lately until and was wondering why. I’ve realized I needed to break free from the toxic, emotionally manipulative relationship and stop being the scapegoat.
Ciara Lynn,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist....
I pray you get away because life is beautiful without them!
@@nicholecornes1915 thank you, it’s very kind to say
The best thing a scapegoat ( like I was ) can do , forgive. Let it all go and thank the system for the deeply insightful lessons learned then there is no need to return .
I feel like I’ve been punished for being the person who loved him so much for 40 years!
I understand that, because I took it for 52 yrs.
The scapegoat, from experience, is not others but is over and over again the same one person. In a family situation this is immeasurable cruelty that starts and never ends toward just one child, one offspring. How I wish every single lawyer (especially Elder Care lawyers), police officers (especially those who work to support child care), paid detectives who work on murder cases (especially cold cases), and all judges and all courtroom workers had to, were forced to, learn the red flags of a narcissist. Justice would be more common in our country. I continue to ask at what point are the narcissist's enablers, the other willing finger-pointing hands in the family, or flying monkeys, responsible for the cruelty placed on the scapegoat? Because it seems to me that they are more damaging than the true NPD is. They act in mobbing groups something the narcissist alone cannot do. Or, is it that the enablers are actually narcissist's themselves?
Narcissists are quite easy to understand, just think of the opposite of healthy behaviour in every situation. Enablers are much more varied. Both are 100% guilty.
You're right; they like to blame someone for their own incompetence rather than accept responsibility for the predicaments they find themselves in.
I would also say that in relation to the power and control reason that there's a punishment element involved. You have somehow "crossed" them in some way, so "deserve" to be blamed for whatever twisted offence they think you are guilty of and have made up in their own minds.
Exactly.
Bingo
God is in Control" ...
@pasture green
You mean they are driven internally to punish?
My extremely narcissistic ex wife of 31 years blamed me for her two affairs (well, the two that I actually know about). She blamed me for lying about the affairs. She blamed me for putting our only kid through 13 years of private school (she wanted to spend the money on herself). She blamed me for her “depression”. She blamed me for her being overweight for a number of years. She blames me for our only kid refusing to speak to me for the past five years (when she’s using the kid as a flying monkey to smear me). And on, and on, and on...
It's always someone else's fault. Classic Narcissist behaviour. They are deeply deranged. Projection is their favorite hobby
I find enablers are the worst they reinforce this behavior. Without the enablers the narc is not a threat. The enablers make them dangerous.
I’m so sorry that your child has been turned. When my little brother turned , it was the hardest part of all of this . My brothers stalk me ( fear fear fear - I must come back to the fold ) , my brothers and mother take so much pleasure with the smear campaigns against my kids and husband ( I don’t give a shi$# what they say about me ) ..... it never stops . I’ve been begging my husband to leave the area for 17 years . The latest attempt to bring me back into the fold almost took the last of me , but we have a buyer for our house and just bought a place out in the country with a lot of land and it’s beautiful . Until we close ( in a month ) that is my safe place . I try to stay very present or I get overwhelmed waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me .
I wish I knew what you could do for you and your son to heal . Family counseling..... I don’t know , but I do know this , she has messed with his reality his whole life . When he awakens from the delusion be there for him . Good luck my fellow sufferer .
Argh
"They look for a goat - that's you!"
I know this simple statement will stay with me for a long time, thank you.
When I stopped allowing myself to be the scapegoat I was punished with the silent treatment. It's been 14 years and it became the greatest gift once I learned my boundaries I set were good
Great comment!!!
Without vulnerability, there can never be true intimacy. You will NEVER have a real partner in a narcissist.
So true. You get it! Dr. C
So true. Lived that way 25 years almost. Felt like being private cook, cleaning help and training bag...they don't even understand what intimacy is.
@@MartavanEckDesigns same same until one day we wake up 🙏
What happen to an aging narcissist, when the scapegoat child has gone, and the narcissist is stuck with the golden child ? Will this child turn into a scapegoat ? Because narcissists need fuel, and this fuel is provided by a scapegoat, not a golden child.
1) offload shame, 2) shift blame (so they appear "perfect" even if only to themselves), 3) try to quell their cognitive dissonance & the discomfort that comes with it 4) I am stuck at 3 but I know if you're not in the picture, you can't be a scapegoat or at least it won't affect you as much. I suspect that the longer you're out of the picture, the more they turn on each other, at least in groups of narcs. and/or they might come to realize they're the ones with the damn problem.
+!
They just move on to the next person and do the same thing. It's on on-going, horrible cycle.
The first scapegoating happened in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve chose to believe the devil instead of God. Eve blamed the serpent and Adam blamed Eve AND God ! He said to God, “ That WOMAN that YOU gave me... “.
Oh yes and don't forget... and with that goes the goading and gaslighting, bringing the scapegoat down to misery and reaction. With reaction comes, "look at me the nicest and guy in the world putting up with what that!" And all the lies behind to maintain that image.
I was the scapegoat for 20 years. Praise God He got me and my son out! We have a long road ahead of us in court,but I am SO very grateful for our freedom. I am also thankful for you Dr. Carter and your videos they have been very helpful to understanding what we suffered and how to move forward towards healing.
Congratulations on your newfound freedom! The blessing from knowing a narc? You come to find out you’re pretty terrific after all. Many blessings to you.
I was married to a narc for 20 years, also. The divorce took 3.5 years, but it was all worth it. Fight for what is yours and what you deserve! Freedom!!!
@@brookeashley304 Thank you! I plan to fight for my son for the very best outcome possible! If it were strictly up to me,he would never see his son again. At least not till he was an adult and could decide for himself. But I know realistically the courts may not see it that way. But I am sure gonna fight for as much custody and as much safety as I possibly can for my son💙
I find scapegoating narcissists always take “ the Higher Moral Ground” as if they are above any human traits, failures, or mistakes the rest of us make. The most innocent remark is cause for extreme shaming. It’s unfortunate when this is a relative that is ready to assign more blame on the scapegoated relative.
Gus looks so relaxed. I bet he loves listening to the sound of your voice.
Gus is on “Team Healthy.”
I love it when Gus is in it😊
“If that’s the case, I think it’s time for me to move onto other pastures. I’m not gonna be anyone’s goat. I’m not gonna play that game.” So true 😂 but lol
I think that often that’s why these creatures breed. How convenient to have a helpless victim, a child, to take the blame and shame. The two I had relished in having me to put down. I could see it made them feel more comfortable with themselves, albeit it was only a temporary fix.
I was the only child of two narcissists..mom is diagnosed high level NPD, dad is covert. Everything you say is 100% spot on. I was their scapegoat. Both my parents are extremely insecure, status conscious, angry, delusional people behind closed doors. They desperately seek validation and see themselves as highly superior to everyone. To them, I was an inconvenience, someone to constantly criticize, look down on and get disgusted with for not living up to their perfectionistic standards. They are cruel and hostile to me while worshiping their wealthy friends and chosen surrogate "golden children". Mom always chose another woman my age (followers to worship her) to befriend then tell made up garbage about me to then laugh at me together. She loves to put me down. I am a threat to her in every way because I am independent, with my own career, a good life, a younger copy of her but with morals and empathy. I'm not a narcissist either. She hates me but pretends to care only because when dad dies she wants to be taken care of. Nope. When the people who I wanted love from all my life made a mission out of attacking me for their own insecure and pathological motives, I owe them *nothing*. Therapists said the same thing and I stay away completely now. They got dangerous towards me, demanding I be their slave/minion. How dare I have boundaries..tough. My boundaries are firm. They cannot be trusted and so they latch onto their rich friends..to use them for money and favors. Their scapegoat quit. I was nothing more than someone to use to build themselves up by putting me down. Why I worked hard to build a good life despite all the damage they did to me. They see me as a traitor to be punished. I see them as evil, soulless people I no longer want in my life. It's better to be alone than be the scapegoat. Peace and dignity feel good. I fought hard for it all these long years and deserve it.
Peace and dignity. I'm on board with you there! Dr. C
Very similar to me. My mother just got her will put together and wanted husband to be executer until he insisted I should be the one. So this is her way to put the hook in my mouth. I'm so done.
Simply put if the blame and scorned is put on one person in the family system by the Narcissist, then the system has a place to put all their bad feelings, anger, blame, and all the rest of the system feels good and agrees with each other that the designated scapegoat is evil, bad, other. It's OK to mistreat the scapegoat because of their badness, so everyone in the system does. The poor scapegoat tries and tries to fix things and say it wasn't me, but no one listens. A scapegoat is kept away from the system or herd, only existing to be blamed, shamed and hurt.
Yes, exactly true.
Actually sounds like what Republicans did to Hilary Clinton.
@@maryperry1773 you Americans and your ex politicians, jeez. Killary is full of power.
Spot on. My wife blamed me for everything to the point where my 8 year old son noticed and pointed it out to her. Of course, that never stopped it from continuing.
my ex wife became an animal of lies literally the day she left.
she destroyed all my relations with her family and my son.
i remember sitting in mediation, which is required in Maryland and she looked right at the social worker and lied with every breath. right there in front of me.
wow. snakes in suits.
The mother of my children who I don't live with, kicked our 11 year old out! Now he lives with her mom/step dad.
This is exactly what the Lord was showing me one day when I was praying. They try to appease themselves rather than deal with their self & change!!!
They appease by making us the scapegoat.
No more Goat!!!
It is really amazing the results that come to your life from being willing to change.
Thank You Dr. Carter
I was guided by God to this subject, I heard it once from a friend talking about being an alcoholic narc, and then again looking up alcoholism effects....I am married to an alcoholic, and I was so confused, anxious, sad and angry....then it all became clear, and I research everyday on narcissism, it is so spot on with all the crazy talk, not making sense, hyper sensitivity, etc....it was bringing out my narc characteristics, from being raised by narc mother....Wisdom changes everything....THANK YOU FATHER!
@@teresarenee3829
That is so neat how God is working in your life 🙏
interesting thought. instead of repenting and following Jesus, they scapegoat and throw their sins onto me.
After the narcissist dies, the enabling devotees continue to punish the scapegoat, in my experience. I've had to detach from all of them and am hoping I'll be healed enough to be my calm, confident self when I have to meet them at a wedding or funeral. No more hoping they'll accept me while they show contempt.
I didn't go to my own mother's funeral. These people aren't worth it.
@@icalotdonthide2646 neither did I, though I had been trying to find out what she wanted and was going to do lots of jobs for the funeral. Then I was told that she had insisted that I not be allowed to speak at the funeral. So I didn't go. I would not have exposed her anyway .... the smear campaigners suspected I might do what they do.
@@icalotdonthide2646 Saaaaame. My male womb mate sent me msgs and I instantly #BLOCKED him
I went from scapegoat to “escaped”
goat. 20 months no contact with Mother and ultimately whole family.
Yes, he blamed me for a flat tire, his 16 year old dog dying, the neighbor of 20 years saying hi to me, and "making" him lie.
If you live with narcissist parents they are like crack addicts just pacing back and forward outside your bedroom waiting for you to come out so they can get their fix , it's sickening to think those are the people that are supposed to do the opposite of hurting you.
THIS.
Sad the Narcissist ends up in a lonely place & yet after a series of relationships that falter, it never seems to garner their attention.
They don't learn! Dr. C
Bc they hate themselves but no wait, they love themselves even though they are not capable of love sooo they hate themselves and hate you 🤗
Smack on...
I keep extreme distance from certain narcs in my extended family. I feel physically unwell and headachy after even casual interactions with them.
That will never CHANGE get out
My. Whole. Life.
At 59 I am finally free of my oldest sister.
Thank GOD.
My sister has thrown me under the bus so many times because she is jealous of me and it’s so sick because she destroyed my life and still kicks me when I’m down and then at the same time she wants to turn around and act like she wants to be my friend and helper (until it looks like I’m actually having a break through). Please pray for me, I do not want to hate her because I don’t want bitterness to spring up in my heart and make me like her. I’ve been praying for her and hoping she would see the God in me (which she does) and repent. But she’d rather hold fast to her idols in the religion she practices. I really feel bad for her but it is turning into hate.
Don’t ever feel sorry for someone who treats u like crap. It keeps you in a weak state of mind and vulnerable to perpetual abuse.
Remember, she’s losing no sleep over how she treats u.
Jen A She won't be able to blame shift or scapegoat or make excuses on judgement day
@@RoyalMetal9 I see your point. Thank you for that advice. 🙏
@@Valveus True.
I know what you are talking about ... my sister is the same and I#m in the same "battle" .As "Scapegoat" put it quite rightly :" don't feel sorry for someone who treats you like crap .... " but don't hate her either becausse you HARM YOURSELF MORE than her.
Don't let her draw you down on her own level. You DESERVE a HAPPY LIFE and that will not happen when you are filled up with hate.
Wish you all the best, sister-in-fate, and stay strong 💕💪
1. Trying to Coverup Obvious Flaws & Difficulties (they cannot handle their own shame)
2. Fear of Being Vulnerable (scared that people will see these flaws, so project it on to the SC)
3. Want to be adored, admired
4. They need to be in Power & Authority over you
3.
3.
The sad thing is that this scapegoating happens at societal level, too. This is my experience and observation, especially these days. Some social groups are deeply frustrated or they feel their needs are not met and they need a scapegoat to ease their tension.
I agree. Dr. C
There is NO shared humanity with a Narcissist! They NEVER get it, and “Scapegoating” is their favorite activity.....it’s all about them, ALL the time! They can NEVER apologize either. (Hi to Gus.....the cutest pup ever!)
i became the scapegoat of my mother, then brothers (one left) and my larger relatives.
its clear that they knew they could pile on. the more they piled on me, the more i receded. the more i receded, the worse they got.
i never felt comfortable in my fathers armenian narc family. one uncle was my favorite. he died while i was in college.
i had no idea that my uncle Jack was the only relative that appreciated and liked me. he never did me wrong.
anyway i got away from them all. now i have to find new people and a new life. if thats even possible.
love the videos Dr C. thank you. -Chris N
Wishing you good !!💚
Good you had your uncle.!!
So...scapegoating is proof that they DO have some sense of self awareness...when it serves their own needs...
I was married to an abusive, lying, narcissist for 25+ years. Our society does a great job of teaching about physical abuse. Teaching about the verbal, emotional, mental etc kinds of abuse, not so much.
I have long past reached the point where I am not angry, just hurt. I don't hate.
But everyone is telling me to forgive. How do you forgive someone who is not remorseful, sees nothing wrong with the damage they have done and would do it again?
Serious question and I would love a serious answer.
Patricia Evans has a few great books on Verbal Abuse
I would have perished and died with out your very valuable knowledge and information thank you my eyes are now open
They hang their shhht on us if we are unaware
I have been and still am the scapegoat in my family. I've gone it alone
It's really rather lonely being the scapegoat child or adult child. Even if one gets away from them, they "smear" you to others, such as extended family or the whole damn town if they could. Oh well, I guess that is their problem if they want to be like that.
And one reason this scapegoat doesn’t give a fuck about the narcissist’s needs- you can absolutely squander yourself in service of anyone who would let you doi “the right thing“ or “take the high road“ though they have no interest in ever reciprocating in kind. They do not see any virtue as it’s own reward so are not viable to count on for anything except unreliability and betrayal. This is useful valuable information but I think maybe I finally understand that the functional utility of reaching a certain degree of knowledge and familiarity is being able to say it doesn’t fucking matter to anyone but the petty self-concerned narcissists what their goddamn irrational reasons are.
One absolutely has to learn this stuff before we’ll stop trying to expect consistent logic from a bunch of trainwrecks who don’t know more about reality than to think their own feelings are facts, so thank you Les for spreading this knowledge. Grateful for content like yours that makes it even possible for survivors to reach a point of comfort like saying it’s somebody else’s turn to give a fuck about their pathetic bullshit for a while now. I’m not walking away from my seat in the lecture hall I’m just saying I’ve been paying attention and thanking you for what I’ve learned
Needing to grade people in a hierarchy, judging them and projecting dark energy onto them are ways of avoiding personal responsibility for the hard task of inner healing.
Thankyou 💙🙏
I’m my son’s scapegoat. Very painful but it won’t last forever!
I thought I was too smart to be duped by a narcissist, but I never understood what a narcissist was until I heard you. Many books and videos later I now get it.
Now to leave this relationship that drains my good energy and health. Thank you!
Keep learning, Debbie. Thanks for the good vibes! Dr. C
They definitely can’t look within and be held accountable and take responsibility for their actions . My ex narc just used to beat me down until I would submit . Our whole time together was fixing and building him, I was to blame for everything. Now it’s over , it is not stopping he still finds a way to blame and shame me.
Naomi,You are beautiful 🌹🌺🌷,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
You are free, don't take the blame.
I'm done being their scapegoat...
With a Narcissist the person responsible for your actions is you and the person responsible for THEIR actions is also YOU!
Great video. Gus is taking responsibility for his need to nap.
Totally agree both sisters made me their scape goat/ punching bag after my brother passed from cancer in July 2016 , they just came short of blaming me for his death
David didn't even know the strength of a giant. You can come against anything in the name of the Lord
@Money & Powers 🤎🤎🇮🇱
Absolutely!
@Money & Powers ]l)ll9l999999999
@@djhrecordhound4391 Anyone can use the title Christian but the Bible says you will know then by their fruits (Godly works and attitudes to others). Clearly, many are Christians in name only.
@Money & Powers all colors are G-D's creations!!!
This is so confusing to me because ultimately they experience the worst rejection they could possibly receive. They also completely and I believe irreversibly alienate those that would have been their greatest source of support, comfort and companionship. This is so self-destructive and sad to me. The scapegoat loses what they could have been too.
A brilliant analogy....that's exactly what happens! Without realising what's really going on, the load becomes burdensome, is added to daily and you are in effect 'in the wilderness'
because there's no resolution, and there can't ever be until you agree.... 'You're the problem'! However, one thing about a goat is it can climb to higher ground and your insights provide that, they help to shed the weight and find a richer pasture of....peace. Thanks once again Dr C, I always look forward to your videos. 💜
G.O.A.T. Greatest of all time! 😎👍
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Gus you look so comfortable in your chair 🙂. Thank you Dr. Carter. Please tell your wife hello and give Gus a big hug from me. You and yours have a blessed day.
Why do they feel by helping and being nice to extended family members absolves their misdoing to immediate family members?
You know what they are when you see them ALWAYS maneuvering to get more power, more authority , more control and use it against ANYONE they can and ESPECIALLY EVERYONE who interferes with their maneuvering
I notice a narcissist gave a 👎. There's a need to work on their "person".
Glad to see Gus back, too. He's a good boy. A nice addition to the background. 👍
Much love for all my scapegoats 🐐 ❤️
1- Good lord! The things animals suffered 2- Now that I understand more about narc I think "it wasn't me, it's them!!" But when you're a kid you don't understand what's going on and take on all shame, guilty, confusion to the core. That poor kid!!! No wonder why I hated life as a child and teenager. Despicable narcissist!!!
Guilt and shame can be positive forces when they motivate us to make better choices.
When I do not like where I am, the first question I ask myself is, "which of my choices brought me here?". When a narcissist refuses to accept guilt or shame, they deprive themselves of the ability to do better.
I am currently in counseling with my narc husband. He was so damaged by his father in his childhood that shame has been the driver behind everything he hears. He filters everything through this shame (and guilt). He has to protect himself at all costs. I have been his scapegoat just so he isn't terrified that his little boy will get whipped with a hose. His siblings got whipped for something he did because he was too scared to admit to what he had done. They were 3-6 years old. He is finally learning how dysfunctional he has been. He is working on his shame. I am grateful for all the information out there, especially Dr. C, on narcissism. Yes, I have been beat down to a pulp for many years but we just might be coming out on the other side. If not, it would probably be best if I fled. It helped to have our adult children voice their anger and hurt at their dad for what he did to them in their growing up years. It is probably the only reason he is getting help. We had a very competent therapist walk us through the muddy waters.
Run until he gets the help he needs , or he might harm you or himself facing the trauma
I can't resist guessing! 1) Their fragile ego cannot permit them to admit responsibility because that would mean they were flawed (cue scary music). They canNOT be wrong, so someone else MUST be WRONG!!! (screams in the background) 2) Creating a scapegoat today could prove to be useful tomorrow, moo-ha-ha. Always pays to have a patsy in the pocket? 3) After the scary episode of nearly being "outted" as a flawed individual, they could use some entertainment to take their mind off that faux pas of theirs! Building themselves up by making someone else squirm creates an entertaining affirmation of their cunning (eye roll) and power? 4) Maybe they're super-desperate to blame shift because they have a complicated, multifaceted, far-reaching, diabolical, house-of-cards PLAN of some twisted sort, that simply cannot be compromised by them losing ground? i.e. must WIN at all costs no matter what?
Hey Dr. C, you make it sound easy when you distill stuff into easy to chew bites but, duh, but I found it difficult (but fun) to guess what your 4 reasons will be. I'll be sure to STAY TUNED to find out. Ha!
All true! I like #2 especially and the way you said it! I realized that the scapegoat is preselected in a setup that had nothing to do with the person, but something that the group works on doing as they goad the person and look for flaws, or even create flaws, to serve the premade scapegoating plan, I felt better about myself when I realized my only fault was I was standing there.
My mom and dad were both diagnosed with NPD. My mom died a while back, but now that my dad is elderly I let him live with me and I try and take care of him. Holy crap, talk about a bad idea - he's worse now at 85 than when he was young. Constant lies, bad decision making, drama, and selfishness to the point of madness (he literally has no real concept of other people being around - he thinks the world is only him).
We are the Greatest Of All Time because we survived despite our abuse. Stray strong fellow truth tellers!
Thank you. I needed to hear that.
@@Vates104 anytime buddy :)
He is desperate to keep me and I'm making sure to stay out. Once I get my finances in check, I am totally closing communication. Now he really knows I am serious and divorce is a sure thing. I just have to finalize it in about 2 to 3 months. Now he will know the life that he will have from this point on. Not a good one for what I have seen lately.
My ex always says YOU did blah blah blah. He brings up the past to try and take the light off of him. He also groups myself and our sons in a group. YOU GUYS did, THIS IS ON YOUR TWO. it’s sad yet funny. You have to come to understand they are weak and childish. 🤷🏻♀️
Yes! I too recognizes his pattern. It was always if I do this ____ he will do that ____!
This is absolutely infuriating. My family scapegoats me. Sad, sick, dysfunctional individuals scapegoat. I can’t imagine being so psychologically unwell that one would need a scapegoat.
Blaming the victim hides and protects both the crime and the criminal.