1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
📢📢📢FuN FaCt📢📢📢 Rebecca's book is sold and shipped by Amazon soooo, if you have an Amazon credit lingering, it can automatically be applied- possibly costing you little to nothing upfront‼💃🕺💥
I spoke against the family narrative and was ridiculed for doing that to the point I had a nickname related to my struggle to be heard. It took a lot for me to accept that I never was and never will be heard by them. It was a tremendous relief to stop fighting.
They don't want to hear you because they're LYING to themselves and want to present the best (albeit FALSE) narrative. You'll find that they do this in a few other areas with people that they're not scapegoating as well to come out as the hero. (Narcissists like them always have to "win"... unfortunately it's only in Fantasyland and the joke is on them at the end of the day)
@@greintje6941yes....had a life dream as a young adolescent that my mother, brother, and sisters were not my real family....only my father...dreamed we were Jewish, which we were not....dreamed I was adopted....
@@norxgirl1 I had exactly the same fantasy . I knew in my mind that I was not the child of the people who called themselves my parents . I was adopted , a runaway .... anything but their daughter
You are right about the fighters being exhausted. I can attest to that. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness within weeks of a horrific narcissistic rage episode during a family vacation; I was the target of righteous contempt and a complete invalidation of my being by 3 siblings including a lifelong in-law. It's been a wake up call and resulted in me going no-contact after deciding I want to live in a healthy manner in all areas of my life. It's not too late to live out my dreams, because I deserve it!
My dear here on my end I had a thoracic aortic aneurism and died on the kitchen floor being med flighted to Pensacola with a team of surgeons flying in from Tampa. My daughter in law called me a liar and said none of it was true. She was also calling around facilities to gain information. I am concerned about the mental health presently of my son and grand daughter as his behaviors are highly abnormal. They “defend” the attackers and get pulled into the subtle yet insidious abuse cycles. Take care. Losing your own family is mind boggling, but I have the desire to find a new life. You do deserve it! Yes.
@@Bluewaterpinessantarosabeach I saw a video on narcissism recently where a woman speaking on it was talkin about a female friend who had an aneurysm that killed her as a result of the stress from the narcissistic nagging and attacking. NO CONTACT isn't just because of the unpleasantness... evidently it's also life-or-death matter for some of us. (I would never want to admit that someone who hated me so much could cause me to croak but maybe I need to get over that last layer of denial... I'm NO CONTACT for other reasons-- but I need to acknowledge this one too perhaps)
@@MattJimmy I was very close to all my children. Knowing I have a grand daughter that will grow up knowing nothing about me? My grandson was always by my side and now 27 calls me every day. I can not believe the destruction in my family . One by one I am losing them. Never in my life would I ever imagine this. But then the one who began the take down was stabbing me in the back with sharpened pencils as I lay in my crib. I have endured more than my share. So behind those big Cape Cod mansions sir , is a girl who ran out the door with her dog to spend the day sailing to escape abuse. Where to I begin . Post script. I have had homes , land, all n my belongings from every home stolen and recently a deed stolen. Everyone , everyone who has ever known me has always stated I am genuine and always the kindest. Easy prey for insanely wicked people . I’m waiting for the next encounter. Last saw my son ( without) grand daughter on March 1st and his behavior towards me was so aggressive and frightening that I was terrified.
@@Bluewaterpinessantarosabeach I had close friend who suffered from scapegoating from their older sister too. Like in your pencil incident, he had an aunt admit to him in his middle-age that his older sister giggled about trying to push the mom down to stop the pregnancy when she was pregnant with him. (Talk about a predictor of things to come for the person!)
@@MattJimmywow! One of my primary scapegoaters has been older, firstborn sister, who just died about 6 weeks ago....my mother was bad, but my older sister pretty much takes the cake, especially since I outshined her in so many areas of life. She was absolutely pathologically vicious - just now finding out about all the lies she has written in legal documents about me from several decades ago, since they were all kept from me.....being flushed out now. My parents let her rule the roost....quite the sociopath!!!!
@beverleybenjamin3648 Hello, do you have any suggestions on how to move toward that radical acceptance? Dealing with this for so long, the rage is exhausting and embarrassing when you start feeling you don't have any control over it. Thank you in advance. Shalom... Peace to all.
Me too. I was blamed for everything that wasn't right in my family. Every thing was my fault. I tried so hard to be a good kid. Nothing could make my parents love me. So I stopped loving them.
It is absolutely heart breaking how many scapegoats out there who have taken their own lives, overdosed on drugs or are in prisons. The ostracizism I experienced in my family drove me nearly to suicide. If it were not for seroquel and Lexapro i would had taken my own life. I would dissociate so completely that I had to be hospitalized in college. If their is a god he will not forgive this abuse. I was betrayed since I was 2 years old and when I got angry about it I was gaslighted into crazyness.
It is a horrendous form of psycho-emotional, systemic abuse. I hope you now know that many FSA adult survivor suffer from complex trauma - this can be a key to deep healing, once this is recognized, as explained in my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' and in my clinical series playlist here on my channel's home page.
Went through the gauntlet, 8 months in the hospital 40 TMS treatments tried ECT. I pray everyday to see karma/justice/ redemption etc on my abuser and anyone supporting it.
thank you. .i am 62.. burnt out.. from the fight, flight.. survival. feeling like something is so wrong with me.. and struggling and trying to build something healthy... it seems like the more i fight to get away from 'it and them'.. I get more caught up with it.. and i am ANGRY NOW.. i didn't have a supportive or connected family.. and.. i don't NEED THEM NOW... i was an INNOCENT, NEGLECTED KID.. and, i had to figure out alot of life ALONE... and. what a shitshow.. WOW.. . even my own kids are assholes...from a bad relationship.. DONE . SO DONE. .. JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. IN PEACE AND QUIET.
Hello Rosalie! I promise you, it gets better. You're not alone. The anger you feel now is a result of the innocent and neglected kid who had to figure out life on her own...just like me and so many of us here. I felt small and had a choking rage for many years and I couldn't express any of it because I was a church girl, but I did eventually find my voice at age 35 and walked away from family who belittled me for years. Please continue to share and hopefully you'll find a trauma-informed therapist who can help you process what happened to you. All of my love. Yasmine
Rosalie, I get it! I have fight -flight survival issues and will leave any situation I feel im being betrayed or feel unsafe. I know I have CPTSD been scapegoated for years by my family, used, exploited, and put down to build the ego’s of the narcissist and her enablers. Its been a lonely life, and I too feel angry for given no help in navigating life, just left to figure it out by trial & error & all the b.s. that comes with it & I was put through.. So its hard.. abd I understand your feelings.. 🙏🌻
Thank you, Rebecca, for your regular Saturday videos. Your exposure of FSA is the most captivating piece of my recovery from FSA and narcissistic abuse. Seeing FSA clearly gives me the overview which puts my entire life into perspective and gives me the strength to walk away and stay away. I have lived the betrayal, the exhaustion, the isolation, the loss of trust, the desperation, and now the surreal feeling of how an entire family can do this to one person. I have figured out why it feels surreal. It feels surreal because it is all a lie. It is a false scapegoating narrative used by family members to avoid being responsible for their lives and for telling the truth. I am subscribed to your newsletter, have your book, and look forward to the community you/we are creating.
I was the Scapegoated child in a family of 125 people. My Borderline Mother who smeared me behind my back to her seven sisters turn my oldest Aunt who was The Family Narcissistic Power holder. When my mother had a severe stroke her seven sisters turned on me, for no reason, and they did everything they could to psychologically destroy me. I absolutely have Betrayal Trauma.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I am 72 now and the event I am talking about happened when I was 35. It was the most traumatising event of my life. I married a very successful man to get out of the situation and he turned out to be a very high functioning Covert Narcissist. I have a Master’s degree in Counseling and I was getting ready to start the process of getting licensed when he destroyed my career. My ex husband went to a man who was over the mental health systems in 26 counties in the state of Georgia and he told this man horrible lies about me. This Director’s best friend was from the same home town as my ex husband and the best friend vouched for my ex husband and said he was a great guy and that was it. No one approached me. No one told me what had happened and my career at mental health was over. Every time I go to work doing anything my ex husband calls them up and tells them to call mental health and the next thing I know, I am being fired.
I'm so very sorry, Donna. I've seen this before. This happened to a young attorney / new mother I worked with years ago whose husband (she was divorcing him) was a physically abusive covert narcissist. She was being completely screwed over in court until I got involved and was able to get some information to the judge. Up until then, the judge / court system had been completely fooled by the husband into believing my client was "crazy."
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I believed every word of that there are skilled abusers who look innocent to say the least. Don Hennessy has a very helpful book Steps to Freedom
15:45--"You may tolerate things that no healthy person who REALLY cares about themselves or respects themselves would tolerate. You might repeatedly forgive people who betray your trust." This is totally who I turned into after years of being the person who used to respect myself too much to tolerate any nonsense. Just because I then had some boundaries didn't mean that I didn't start having bad lovers or bad friends that I never would have put up with in my 20s for too long. (I'm 49). Yet slowly but surely I devolved into that. But I've been regaining myself over the last half-decade and no more third chances from me. (If they even get a second chance. I'm a pretty laid-back guy but even I get to a point where I can't excuse it anymore when they're trying to sneak in, so to speak) Nowadays, people get two chances AT MOST with me and if they even get the 2nd chance-- they sure as hell aren't going to get a 3rd one because my microscope is on them after the first orange or red flag
Good to hear you are reconnecting and reclaiming the truth of yourself. Tune in tomorrow because I'm going to release part one of a two part video and it is on recovering the true self and moving beyond splits and falseness. Good to have you here, Matt. Your comments are both insightful and thought/full.
This video resinates with my life I feel abandoned, betrayed, gaslit, stolen from, backstabbed, rejected, don't even know who I am anymore because of constant mind games, gaslighting, double standards, hypocritical behavior, bullying it has really screwed with my mind.
Wow, Rebecca...you bring out the best in all of us! I am so absorbed in reading/relating to all the very intelligent, articulate comments from all these beautiful souls who visit here. The disgusting, uncaring treatment we all have endured but somehow kept ourselves together enough to make it this far validates how strong, "normal" truth telling warriors we really are. Actually, we were/are the envy of our "family"...
Heya! I happened to watch a documentary on Morgellon's disease yesterday and I was struck by how similar the dynamics were between people suffering from Morgellon's and people suffering from FSA. One of the key lines from that documentary was "To recover, victims need to be supported and BELIEVED." Ain't it the truth?(!) Thank YOU for being here and contributing positively to our community where we are BELIEVED...!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Morgellons is an odd disease. I had some version of it and killed it by cutting sugar, alcohol, etc out 100% and eating only fresh greens, herbal teas, etc. - for 2 weeks.
That's very true ! NARCS are envious creatures, unfortunately we were born among them, I was the scapegoat and started to heal a few years go, the amount of trauma we endured with these families it's incredible. Thanks God we have now days so many free tools to recover, like this channel. I must be no contact asap, still in the process of making out, wish me luck!
Hi Rebecca. I just can't thank you enough. Your validation is valuable beyond words after a life of being invalidated. It takes a long time to form new pathways in the brain after 50 years of FSA. I am "no contact" for 7 years and just getting to feeling I can put my guard down and enjoy life. A community support group would be great as validation and support is essential. No one gets it unless they've lived it - as I'm sure you know. I wish I had gone NC many years ago, but there was no one then who was speaking the truth of it as you are now. To younger people suffering from FSA, a support system is essential.
You're welcome, Susan. For any abuse survivor to recover, they must have support and be supported by those who BELIEVE the abuse survivor's report(s). I hope you are finding that here (and elsewhere).
I'm still shocked that I found this channel after all this time. You know my pain. You'd believe me if I told my story and hearing it wouldn't trigger you to attack me. I'm reawakening so I can continue to replace flowers in my garden. I'm at a loss. feel so empty. drained and dehydrated. omg thank you for being here. you're saying my lifetime secret. I'm eager to learn and rise above this stage of my life. woo
Family made it crystal clear that they held power over me money wise. Manipulating and hustling me for money for help while I was a single mom. I felt like I was climbing up a landslide with my son and mother above me throwing rocks at me to slow me down. The more I fight, the more they showed me no respect.
I was the scapegoat since I was a child. My brother was abusive since he was a little kid and my parents protected him, I spoke out against the lies and narrative of the family and was immediately forever deemed as the scapegoat. Made out to be the abuser when my parents admitted in private they knew I was abused and not the abuser which was a huge validating relief bc I always had internalized gaslighting issues.
This is exactly what happened to me. To this day my brother hurls abuse at me. I went no contact with him but he wormed his way back in via occasional texting with my husband who is another victim of childhood trauma so has poor boundaries. During this texting, my abusive brother revealed he may have lost my dead mother’s ashes and once again abuse was hurled my way for asking questions and trying to somehow get the process started to get the ashes back. I was told I am evil and disgusting for trying to get the ashes back instead of lionizing my brother for I’m not sure what.
How incredibly sad. About 10-11 years old and fell off my bike. Told my mother and she eventually took me to Urgent Care. Right before being taken to be x-rayed, she asked me if I was faking it for attention. The x-rays showed a break in my forearm in two places. That was the beginning (that I can recall)…
You will want to watch my video here called "You're Faking It!" - This was a definite phenomenon that came up repeatedly during the course of my research on what I eventually named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
Scary how similar the patterns of behavior are in families that do this. I once had a broken arm for 12 hours before I was begrudgingly and with much resentment taken to the ER, where an Xray confirmed a break. During the day I had a shirt roughly and angrily ripped off over my head causing excruciating pain in my arm, because my maternal figure (I refuse to call it mother) accused me of attention seeking when I called for help because I could not lift my own arm to take my own shirt off before a bath. I broke my arm in the morning at a park and the entire family enjoyed dinner and movie before I was taken to a hospital for care. Fun for the uninjured was prioritized and happened first before I was allowed any care for my injury. Wish I could say that was the only time that exact pattern happened to me in my life.
The last of the scapegoat saga (hopefully) occurred earlier this week. I blocked my brother's number around Christmas for a variety of reasons. I was regaining a sense of balance and calm and peace and beginning to finally focus on my own life and goals again for this first time in ages. I recently purchased a new phone. Monday an image came through from my brother - a photo of my Father on his deathbed with the caption "It won't be long until you get your wish!" 😮 I was shaking all over!! I said "What wish?" My brother claimed I wished my Father dead. I have zero recollection of saying that (I do remember saying that our Dad belonged in prison or jail and I would be more than happy to testify for his poor character.) Anyway, if I did say something as dreadful as wishing his death, it was HIGHLY out of character. Might have been in an emotional flashback - who knows 🤷♀️ Eventually, the stress of it all caught up with me after the suicide of my sister-in-law last year. (This whole mess seems like the Murdaugh's of Madison County.) Anyway, this one supposed comment, if in fact it was made (my brother claims he saved it on his phone 🤷♀️) was thrown in my face as my Father lay dying. I couldn't believe it! But, why not? My brother trashed my Father his entire life while I kept my mouth shut for decades. Eventually, and very recently, I blew and suppressed emotions were spilling out all over the place. I was pleased with myself, though. I did not allow this below the belt behavior to land - nor did I feel guilty for anything spoken or not spoken. I just said that I hoped Dad had a peaceful transition and sent blessings to all. I also said "I have no idea how I wound up being the bad guy/gal in this whole charade. It makes no sense." I also told my brother that no one knows what's in my heart but myself and God. I was not going to allow his lack of empathy and unnecessary cruelty get the best of me. I was loving and kind to my Father despite a lifetime of abuse, neglect, torment, and taunting. I should have had a metaphorical funeral for him decades ago! Neither of these men have been anything but a source of pain and trouble to me for the vast majority of my life. (Forget support, love or even a healthy interest.) Anyway, though I was shaking inside, I didn't let my brother know. The next day, I wasn't satisfied with being ambushed and not taking a firmer stance. One thing I learned about my Dad - the only thing that landed with him was if you got nasty. So, I texted my brother the following..."F$&# off bro'! I want you and that entire redneck clan to leave me the hell alone!!" Then, I blocked his number and deleted any remaining"family" phone numbers in my contact list. Should have done so forty years ago!!! Whew 🎉
Something must be in the air, Kimberly. I've had so many FSA adult survivors report to me lately that they finally have had enough, and directly stated this to scapegoating family members in a clear (and sometimes 'salty') manner that could not possibly be misunderstood - even when their usual trauma response is typically 'fawn' or 'freeze'. I guess the time has come!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Praise God! Run free my scampering scapegoated siblings!!! Our sweet shepherd has opened the gate! We shall meet in that pasture of plenty. 😘💋❤️
I find it very ironic that my older brother and sister by 8 and 10 years, who just like yours, semi-trashed or completely trashed my parents my whole life-- to all sudden play white knight when I started having some criticms of how they were mishandling MY SSI money as payees. (All their trouble officially started seven years ago but it's just been one sibling after the other and I'm no contact with all them now, thank God!)
my sister was 16 yr old and began gaslighting me and phycho abusing me when I was 4 years old, I always remember the stiff frozen fear I was in after she put me in the back of the car, and Tod me My gramma who we were going to visit was evil. I had never been in a car for eight hours and I had never met her. She was not Evil. My sister was and still is.
This can get overlooked sometimes by clinicians: The fact that an older sibling can be the bully / scapegoat. Parents either see and look away, or it is carefully hidden from them by the scapegoating sibling. There can often be a sadistic streak in such siblings; they enjoy being cruel to those that are younger / more vulnerable in the family system.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseyes...older sister's bullying got really intense after she moved back home from a divorce, then had her hysterectomy....she was the GC....could do no wrong. She just picked up the hatchet that my mother and other family had carried for many years ....difference is - she was actively engaged in the occult, Black Arts....she was definitely demonic....
I have bought the book and started reading it - it has triggered me a lot! Fair warning to those getting the book - give yourself time and space to process what surfaces. I thought I had done all the 'work' going back go @ 2003. Then, I got into a relationship with an exploitative parasite, couldn't seem to get rid of him for 3 years, when I had wanted to end things after about 6 weeks, and realized I was not as healthy as I thought. Last spring, I learned of the passing of a 'good friend' named Gary. Upon reading through his obit and visiting his grave, all these repressed memories (I've learned are now called 'dissociative amnesia') started to resurface, most notably that he was more than a good friend; he was my first kiss, my first love and he and I had intended to marry. How does someone forget that?? That question has led me down an exquisitely excruciating journey into, then back out of the abyss. I can now pinpoint the exact moment when my brain shattered, when I started to question my own sanity, not knowing what was real, who was real, or what to believe anymore (Depersonalization Disorder / Derealization Disorder). I dissociated, floating just outside of my self. I feared death so much that I avoided cemeteries as though they would just suck me into them. I had deja vu so much so that I thought I had lived former lives. Turns out, those were real memories, but because of the trauma of my upbringing and their association with Gary (because I was punished--beaten, tortured; my and his lives were threatened--for loving him, by my malignant narcissist mother), I could not see 'who' those memories were tied to. I don't have to feel guilty or ashamed anymore. My mind, my thoughts, my values were no longer my own...for 37+ years. I made decisions based on what would keep me from being abused / nagged / whatever would shut her up and get her to leave me alone, well into adulthood, even marrying men I had no interest in marrying, because that's what she and my father wanted for me. I grieve Gary, 6 years after his passing, and his own life, because of what my family put him through. His upbringing and and adult life was very difficult, too...he was also his own family's scapegoat and was beaten a lot as a child and teen. Something I hadn't contemplated. Sadly, he reached out to me about 25 years later, but he and I were both so damaged, that we couldn't make a go of it even then. What I also grieve is the the loss of what he and I had shared, the loss of our love, trust, values...all because someone dared teach me--the family scapegoat--that I had value and worth. That is an unforgiveable sin to a narcissist. I'm working through the bitterness of knowing that everything I wanted was ignored, so I learned to not have needs or wants, and to codependently work to ''earn love' through fawning and accommodating people who, in the end, never really cared about me at all. I allowed all manner of betrayal by others as an adult, and was with people who I never even wanted to be with, for the sole purpose of making others happy, like my friends or parents. I'm learning how to test for whether people care or not, and slough off those who don't pass. I've learned who I really am at my core; when I feel safe, confident and free (like I was when I knew Gary)...I really like that girl. She's pretty great. I can see why he loved her. I kind of love her myself.
Glad you are taking the book slow. Sounds like you are having some very deep and penetrating awarenesses and need time to digest all that is being revealed within and without.
Sadly, this is not uncommon. I see it more in narcissistic family systems or in families where parents are mentally ill - versus highly traumatized, dysfunctional ones.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for replying, Rebecca. Yes there was mental illness for sure. My parents were very toxic, the difference between them being that my father's abuse was explosive and unpremeditated while my mother lay in bed plotting and planning her abuse without a shadow of a doubt. I never knew my father as a young man but apparently he was very out going and sociable. By the time I was born he had completely closed down and was extremely paranoid. He never went out and didn't have any friends. Conversely, my mother was out all over town day and night as chairwoman of this and leader of that... we only ever had one family holiday in a caravan when I was about 5 y.o. It was horrendous, of course 🤣
It’s a great article. I resonate with the biggest betrayal being when you finally recognize the abuse for what it is, and (too kindly) ask for it to stop…. But they just double down. It’s the worst. Because then you can’t make more excuses for them. You know, they know, you’ve asked them to respect you, and they refuse. It confirms that they are only able to look after themselves, and will sacrifice you for their needs. The ultimate betrayal.
Well said. I hope you also had a chance to read Dr Erin Watson's article - I linked it in this video description, as well as my brief video I put out last Saturday.
Blood lust!!! Seems the whole human race is blood thirsty....until they accept the sacrifice of Yeshua Ha Mashiach....I fully believe that we, the Family Scapegoats, are near and dear to His heart.....and He is coming back for us, soon and very soon....
I definitely felt like I was in a hostile environment where everyone was against me and I had no allies. I felt totally alone. My mother, father, and brother all criticized and ridiculed me.Lisa. C. Is my trauma coach. She is wonderful. When I heard about you, the first thing I wanted to do was tell her. Then I saw your book. I thought. Another synchronicity at work.
For me in my family (virtually no contact now for about 10 years) betrayal was the the color of the canvas on which everything took place. To get used as a surrogate husband by a selfish mother in a loveless marriage is a betrayal, years long smear campaigns by brothers is a betrayal, denial/defense/enabling/excuse-making then and now for the brothers by the same mother is a betrayal, the list goes on a long way and includes the father. All of it denied upon confrontation, as I had been warned. It's not like I didn't know betrayal was a main theme, but that last video I think made me realize that 'betrayal' was the poison air I breathed all those years growing up while all the individual stuff that turned into patterns was taking place. To add a little weight to the pain and confusion caused by betrayals that are a fixed pattern and not one-time or occasional mistakes that we're all capable of during our lives -> and hopefully clean up immediately and sincerely, unlike our families if we were scapegoated -> here's a couple video's I came across by Jordan Peterson this week. These relate to the human subject of betrayal -> they are not specifically about scapegoating or even psychological or other abuse. But betrayal is betrayal - Jordan points out in one that Dante in the Inferno put betrayers in the lowest/worst place in Hell. His addressing it at a generic level was instructive for me -> reminding me why -> no wonder I was so torn apart for so long and confused as a kid, and angry as hell, but in the same second felt guilty for hating my own family, then never really being sure to what extent I could expect the rest of the world to behave like they did. Anyway - the weight of betrayal in any form is massive on the human spirit, Jordan points out. As a defenseless kid with no context into which to interpret it - alone against four? I often wished they would just outright get violent with me, have it out in the open, and where hitting back would then have been explicitly justified. As it was the anger was stuffed, and I wasn't even completely sure I wasn't the bad one. AA has a good saying "It's not anger that will kill you, it's JUSTIFIED anger." Definitely betrayal is THE fundamental wound I experienced - though I didn't have a name for it at the time, and for a long time it was accompanied with the haughty moralistic judgmental followup voice of the father and the little brother 'well, you deserved it, because the family would have been happy if it weren't for you.' Getting out of that family I'm quite sure has only provided them more proof for that, so I guess in the end they got what they wanted (they get to keep their delusional version of the bad brother who was the cause of all their negativity) and by me getting out, I got me and my peace and my sanity and my happiness and the rest of my life fully back. Couple videos of Peterson on Betrayal in general: ruclips.net/video/xi3LYVblQtg/видео.html ruclips.net/video/5f4lpvoZaiA/видео.html
I read Jennifer Freyd’s book a few years ago. It was phenomenal and I found it very helpful and healing. Ironically I never connected back to the original betrayal of the family of origin. I’m so grateful you are having this conversation. Honestly, I got to a point where I just thought “that’s just how they are”. As true as that is, I overlooked the part that was my experience. It still matters and hurts. I really appreciate your support and expertise. Sending gratitude 🙏🏽 ❤
Yes, when we are born into the dysfunctional (or narcissistic) family 'ground', it is all we know, and it is therefore 'normal' to us. It therefore can take extreme circumstances before we wake up to the truth and get out of the pot of boiling water we were cooking in.
This is a great topic for a video - I've added it to my list. Many factors are involved, and some are unique and specific to each adult survivor of abuse. Interestingly, we know in the psychoanalytical field that it is in mid-life that the defense mechanisms can begin breaking down significantly and there are brain changes related to hormonal shifts that contribute to this. Those who fight these changes may be viewed as having a "mid-life crisis" - they are running from the truth that is inviting them to stop, feel, and heal...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Interesting. I was just reading about fashion models and how when they turn about 40 start having a very difficult time because they can’t rely on their looks anymore. They use escape mechanisms and one even committed suicide. We all have to face what’s been hidden underneath and in the shadow, huh?
Because our experiences are never validated and as authentic people, we need closure from people who exist in a false reality. Due to the insidious nature of the FSA phenomenon, there are many layers of unresolved trauma. We live uninvited, deflected/projected upon, and invalidated. And, at around age 25 the rational part of the brain becomes prominent, which becomes the beginning of our connection to the incongruent messages/energies within our bodies. We go through all the stages of grief - alone. To say we are strong is such an understatement, there should be another word to describe it. 💜
I’m becoming conscious of this type of behavior from my adopted family. Recently estranged by choice, but still sorting out how I think I should feel. That’s weird. Your videos are helping me understand a little bit better. Thank you!!
I received your book last week, and read it over a number of days. There is so much in it to absorb and reflect on. I thought I had made great efforts to inform myself on narcissistic abuse, but your book added a whole new dimension not typically addressed by therapists focused on narcissistic abuse. I had never really viewed myself as a scapegoat in my dysfunctional family (narc mother and sister), but it is now clear to me that indeed, I was experiencing this. It explains so much of what I went through as a teenager, and in my early 20s. You can have food, clothes and a roof over your head and still be neglected or forgotten. Surviving is not thriving- it is not really living. It is a poor substitute. It was only once I left home, and had other experiences (saw how my friends' families functioned), that it became clear to me, that my own family of origin was horribly messed up. Once that came to light, I could not "un-see" it. From that point on, I could not stomach going home to visit during my time off of university. I started to dread trips home at Christmas, and often found myself sitting in the airport, contemplating switching my plane ticket to somewhere/anywhere else but home. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Turns out- nothing. This is a normal response to an abnormal situation. Thanks for shedding light on this subject- it is like finally finding the missing puzzle piece.
I appreciate your thoughtful feedback on my book and how it has helped you. It is brief, but dense, and people do tell me they read it many, many times and get more out of it each time. Having been there myself, I also noticed that there was a lack of Family Systems-informed understandings of scapegoating when I was searching for material to help myself. My research on FSA is in certain ways an extension of research conducted many decades ago on the family 'Identified Patient'; I also wanted to emphasize that scapegoating can happen in any dysfunctional family system - not just a narcissistic one. I trust your healing journey will continue and hope you find my videos here helpful.
This came up quite a bit in my FSA research - Later in life, the FSA adult survivor was diagnosed with ADHD. Complex trauma symptoms at times are interpreted as ADHD; ideally, there will be a proper assessment process so one knows for sure - And, of course, one can have both conditions!
Thank you for your response. Yes it’s very important to get a good look at the bigger picture and it is possible to have both. @@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 THat's what happened for my ex partner, and the sad thing he believed all the negativity projected onto him, and stays enmeshed with his parents and siblings rather than building his own life outside the family.
Nothing like being told by your parents when you're not even in puberty yet that they're lucky that their marriage survived my ADHD. Looking back, at 49 years old, how do 2 adults like them live with themselves trying to burden a child would throw marital problems which involved infidelity, by the way? (It's not my job to figure that stuff out and I'm not even tripping about it anymore, but I went through the blame game myself on that one).
Oh my God I'm so overwhelmed when I connect the pieces in this long narrative in my life and even now experience. The neglect, the indifference, the denial, the endless nicknames demeaning any aspect of myself which dared to speak up or be myself. The overwhelming toxic rage triggered as an adult, the toxic shame as a perpetual friend. Wondering why I felt that there was a terrorist inside me. The overwhelming sadness as a release and the later challenge to even find the tears. The tears as a friend who released my body if for a moment from the prison of hypertension. The suicidal ideations, the grief, the guilt, the self-blame, the fishbowl disassociation from reality as if I was in a dream, the freeze at inappropriate times as an adult. The family dynamic of triangulation and blaming myself for even the most horrendous, horrific things which occurred to me or the making them a joke or anecdote. May we all be delivered from this madness.
How i wish i had know about this about my Mom. She repeated this pattern unbeknownst to me. This article was so informative. I am so happy to see this information available to the public. My mother left clues about her family of origin. I wish I could still talk to her tell her i understand it all now. Compassion for people I believe can bring healing for yourself no matter how absent minded your parents were. What a great video and thank you for your calm, well presented research.
You're welcome, Kay. There is much wisdom in your observations. Self-compassion is also key to recovering from FSA; from this place it may spread to others as their wounding is revealed (even as we appropriately protect ourselves from further harm).
Powerful. Even more powerful are the comments to this video. I remember when I had enough and started connecting the dots and started coming home to myself. From a young age, my diary was my only comfort, confidant, and safe place. It's so raw, so authentic, and so relatable that I turned it into a book in 2020. Diary entry March 5, 2017: "Dear Lord, I hate my family. Revive these dry bones of my heart with the power of your word, and with the renewal of my mind. I need you now! I remember those days since childhood when I used to always exist in a state of preemptive apology (didn't even know what fawning was back then). In my adulthood, I was always in some kind of ritual of abasing myself to get you to talk to me after you'd give me the cold shoulder for months and for years to punish me. Those days are over. Screw you (sibling's name)!"
@@norxgirl1 Yes, Amazon has it internationally, including paperback and hardcover. If you prefer to buy from another online retailer you can use this secure universal buy link (UBL) to do so: books2read.com/intro2fsa
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethanks Rebecca...I do have your book. I do have to pull away and process from your videos and book from time to time. They are revelatory! Love you!!!
Therefore it affects close relationships the scapegoat believes they do not deserve too be loved. Rejection from the family causes disorganised attachment. And the symptoms of BPD. That may actually be betrayal trauma and PTSD. We cannot develop interpersonal confidence.Without a loving mirror
From what I’ve read it is disorganized attachment resulting in complex trauma which is pretty much what they also call BPD. Then these traumatized people get retraumatized when a good number of , say, female killers in the media get accused of being a “Borderline!!” when they’re not borderline. It’s a very misunderstood disorder. I have also read that anyone who is around a narcissist long enough and has been chronically abused by one (or more) will develop the symptoms that are seen in those considered borderline. I think I may have had BPD but when I got away from all of the abusers and learned about their narcissism I began recovering quite quickly. Then learning about family scapegoating is what I needed to focus on, which I’m doing now. Sorry this is so jumbled but I’m not feeling well right now.
That's fascinating, because I thought I had BPD when I was with my ex. Turns out, his energy / psyche reminded me of my mother, a malignant narcissist. My mental breakdowns, panic attacks, fearful wandering through the house, seemingly unprovoked outbursts and stubborn defiance of his attempts to lord over me while also stealing from me and cheating on me...were merely my own soul crying out desperately to me, to get out of yet another abusive situation!
I “felt” the rejection my whole life anyway, so it was no big surprise when it was confirmed during an argument with a sibling 😢 still hurts terribly tho. All the lifelong gaslighting of family love, caring & respect was nothing but lies and facade. I was just a baby, small child, eventual adult seeking love. How could people be so intentionally cruel to an innocent? 💔
Because they're really small inside and feel like they're "big" by stepping on someone else who can't defend themselves. It's called universal evil/bullying. Fake "tough" guys/"mean girls" till the very end, they are. (but people like me get FED UP with them and go NO CONTACT)
I just finished watching your video. It brings tears to my eyes and has set off fireworks of the vivid early childhood experiences from being in a family where BTT occurred. I definitely will be buying your book. I feel empowered after watching all of your videos and wait eagerly every week for the Saturday video sessions. Thank You...getting stronger everyday and still no contact with " family "
The videos really are stirring things up in a good way. I kept it bottled up mostly, just saying bits about it because I was not believed. I was going through this since I was 11. I noticed this after I'd get compliments from people as a little kid. I'm 65 now. Mother & sister teamed up and bullied me especially after anything good happening for me. At the same time, I was dealing with 2 angry women who worked with me daily in the ministry. They were aggressive mean spirited bullies who taunted me too. Then I'd have to face the bullying from my mom & sis when I returned home from the ministry work each day. I left home & got married only to be physically & emotionally abused by my husband. He died in a traffic accident. Then my mom & sis re-entered my life bringing the same chaos. I was an emotional wreck because of the decades of FSA. I am still in "fight or flight" mode most of the time now. Whew!!! Just glad to finally be awake and abuse free. Thank You for helping us all ❤
@@bbjoyce-je1vxhugs...I really like Motherwort Tea....I grow, harvest and dehydrate myself....for those of us who were poorly mothered....and then some....
Thank you for your sage insight. At 65 and surviving decades of this abuse and, recently, a winning lawsuit, they are no longer permitted in my life. For me, this remains the only solution. Again, thank you.
You're welcome. And congratulations on you win! You may also want to check out my Substack for FSA survivors: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about
I fluctuate between fight, flight or fawn depending on the situation/person. I was really put to the test a few weeks ago, with access to my dying son on the line. While researching how to treat Malnutrition in end-stage IV colon/liver cancer I came across nutrition articles at Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. My son was being treated with a Gerson-type Method (raw, juiced vegetables + coffee enemas) and I was pleased to find an article there about Gerson (I’d heard of them >decade ago when my sister had cancer). My son was vomiting up almost everything, but especially the juices he said burned his throat & esophagus. No doubt the lining was inflamed from all the vomiting he’s done over the past months & I was wondering about diluting the juice, when shortly after I started reading I saw a warning from the American Cancer Society for patients to avoid this unproven method, which could reduce the quality of life & hasten death in patients with advanced end-stage colorectal cancer. I also found a similar warning on the Mayo Clinic website, with end-stage CRC the method is contraindicated and sent them to my DIL, asking if she’s talked with my son’s Oncology team about Gerson? Seems to me his loving wife and father would want to know if they are hastening death and grateful for the info. They weren’t grateful. In fact, from that point on I became their #1 villain. At least they did stop forcing him to drink that juice that was burning his throat. There were many uncomfortable moments, but I knew it would be challenge going in and I was there for my son and only my son. I saw myself as his advocate, by his side in what could be his last days with us. I also learned to just present my info, pov, etc. then let it go. Don’t push for a conclusion, or even an honest response. The info’s their’s now, I said my peace, did my part, presented the info calmly, with data and carefully chosen words, links to websites, etc. then just dropped it and let the cards fall as they may. The outcome wasn’t in my hands so letting go was the only way to find peace & strength in the moment. As it turns out I was right in the worst way possible, my son died just days later. The fight is over. His fight and my fight with the remainder of his family. The end.
May you be comforted in your time of loss. May I suggest the book Parental Loss of a Child - Therese Rando. It has helped me in coping with my adult son’s colorectal cancer illness and circumstances of his death.
Deception it's the most frequent feeling we scapegoats experience in life, our famiy trained us since early age to expect this through life, as adults we tend to attract deceitful people as a result if what we had experienced at home. Thanks God we have tool like these videos so we can change and thrive.
Tks Rebecca for another powerful video I'm so happy that you will provide training for professionals as this topic needs empowerment from the shame. It's OK to admit that my family failed me to people who are informed but when ignorant people try to fix the problem or try to uncover the reason behind story I get re- traumatised. I'm exhausted from defending myself; I used to be the fighter but the services and the professional approach here has really been a disappointment. Last week you spoke about Grief & I'm now at that stage for the life I could have had if I was supported and not let down by the state. They didn't believe me when I reported it many times for the sake of my younger siblings & then years later they turned on me because I was the only one with the evidence. A DOUBLE whammy as they call it here; I can't see many people trusting the services now after watching what I have went through & that only brings more shame & confusion.
You're welcome, Nicola. Your situation is far too common. Not sure what country you reside in but it is like this in the U.S. Short term, 'solution-focused' "evidence-based" treatment is what is most often covered by behavioral health insurance. People are put into groups and in-depth individual treatment for trauma is rare. Therapists are forced to comply if they take insurance, which limits what they can offer.
My story was similar let down by professionals & family stay strong the grief eases lots of kind people but we need to hold our heads above the shame & meet them eye to eye & a smile of freedom 🦋
Tks Rebecca & Pat for your kind reply it was very uplifting. It's helpful to know that the services here in Ireland have their own agenda which in my view is dangerous if the person does not have the skills to manage the acute stress while being back in a dysfunctional group, the procedure nearly sent me & another women over the edge. I managed to fight through the suicidal thoughts by switching my head off as negative noise & living in my soul. This takes practice but is worth the hard work & effort. It's very helpful to know that Pat has also been through this with your family & services. I will take a leave out of your book and enjoy the freedom of being out of their illusion of life and enjoy being grounded in the roots of reality. Our truth has set us free & we can now grow & enjoy our life away from people who are scared or threatened by our authentic nature. I wish you well on your healing journey & tks again for your reply 💜.
@@nicolabyrne-yx8oh take care I hope things get better for you, it’s so sad that’s what happens looking for help. Rebecca is a great help here to so many.
FSA/FST is the best catch-all diagnosis I have been looking for to explain my life-long emotional/psychological struggle. FSA involves many components like attachment, betrayal, brainwash, projection, control. Scapegoating abusers are also found in other positions of power in addition to parenthood. I just quit my job. My boss had an episode of narcissistic rage. He insisted that I improve on a list of deficiencies, centering around client interaction. I saw through the BS right away and refused to wear the trumped-up labels. He persisted, so I resigned, but to my client first by showing him the false accusation. He saw through through the BS too and expressed his support and sympathy for the position I was put in. I am fortunate I can afford to do this now, both financially and emotionally. The knowledge I gain regarding scapegoating and narcissist really came in handy in this situation. I can hear the pathology when my ex-boss talked about his kids. He even complained to me how his 10-year-old son didn't show enough appreciation for him on his birthday! I learned to listen to my inner voice. When he insisted that we meet to go over his plan for my 'improvement', I kept hearing a voice saying "I will not be lectured by a conman." I listened and refused to engage with him. I realize not everyone can afford to do this, nor could I have been able to do it every time. But it's a victory nonetheless. I celebrated by watching one of my favorite movies: Kick Ass. I love the scene where HIT GIRL fired into the hidden camera.
Glad these terms are helpful, Anne. I'll be rolling out my term 'family scapegoating trauma' (FST) soon. I used to give conference presentations on how family systems (our family-of-origin dynamics) are replicated in the workplace - How we may find ourselves reliving our role in our family-of-origin, etc. It is an opportunity to have a 'repair' experience by protecting ourselves and our traumatized 'parts' and not repeating the past. Sounds like this may be what happened in your case, for which I congratulate you.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have played the truth teller a few times in my career, but I never consciously sought out the role. One of them was particularly traumatic that I ended up staying at the job longer than I wanted because I was afraid of the unknown. I was proven right in every one of the situations but paid a terrible personal price. I suspect it was the 'fawning' signal that gave people the idea that I was vulnerable. They were always surprised by my defiance. Still, I wish I know how not to emit the prey signal.
Rebecca, thank you. Restoration is the word that fits. Connecting with you, listening to the wisdom I hear you share with us, reading ALL the comments and your gracious replies to each of us. Gaining understanding and knowledge. The validation!!! The revelation of just exactly what it is that we are healing from. The awareness, watching, listening. Going forth, out from under, separation, away from certain people and places. Moving "the parts" away from duplicity, destruction, being deprived, all the loss, what's been hidden and concealed.......to restore, to health and soundness. RESTORE. You are helping us to healing. Thank you for the videos and the journey. We are grateful, Jane.
Thank you Rebecca. What you share in the videos always aligns with what the good Lord is showing me through the Bible and from different authors who are further down the road than I am. In their writings they are calling back to me to encourage me on down the road. Your videos just fit right in with it. And I thank you. Jane
Yes it really resonates with me when you talk about putting up with behaviour that other people would not tolerate. Sometimes it has taken the shock reaction of a friend for me to realize that I have been tolerating abusive treatment. Overlooking emotionally damaging outbursts from a long-term friend or completely unacceptable behaviour from a subordinate at work. It took decades for me to finally extricate myself from partnership with a cheating emotionally destructive partner. It took one last inappropriate verbal blast from a close friend to finally sever contact. I would have reconciled with that friend given the chance. It took years for me to realize that this person had done me a favor. I am finally learning to overcome my terror of being abandoned and deciding for myself what quality of relationship I will insist on. It has been very liberating. it is hard work and it is scary, but this is so much better!
I love those last few sentences - I sense so much determination, strength, and resilience! Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Excellent info..as a child I KNEW this was wrong. I felt it and i knew it. I used tonatare at the deadbolt lock on the door and hatteed myself for not having the nerve to turn the livknaroubd and open it and run out of there..where would I go? I had no family other than these maniacs. Of course, I wasn't allowed to have friends. Who could I go to? No one.
Thank you. And...Precisely. Which is why so many survivors of what I call family scapegoating abuse (FSA) suffer from complex trauma symptoms, which are caused by "chronic, repeated stressors FROM WHICH THERE IS NO ESCAPE...(!) True for most every child, I would think...
Not allowed to have friends either, but my 2 siblings still at home could bring home whomever or whatever they wished. "You can't hang around with them anymore." This is what my repulsive mother told me many times in my early adolescence. One of the sickest families on the planet!!!! Sick, sick, sick!!!
@norxgirl1 oh this made me cry so so bad.. I also was allowed no friends, was made to believe grandparents did not love me or want me around. My brother, 5 years older than I was off limits. The few rare times we spent even talking, she cut short.. I had no toys, though we were gifted things Christmas... couple days it all went away. I don't remember how, I just know nothing remained ever. Not even a favorite plushy, my beloved stuffed monkey ... ( I grieve him still at 49) she sent me off to daycare without him, he needed "washed"... when I returned home, he was gone forever. She trashed him on pick up day.... my soul is so broken and I know so much what you're feeling. I'm sorry you know what it feels like. ❤
I realize this is both 'good' and 'bad'(!) Here's a list of FSA survivor resources I put together in case you need some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Wow, just came across your channel after finding out today that my family is still in touch with my abusive ex and still listening to his smear campaign against me, after insisting for years they hadn't spoken to him. I knew I was the scapegoat in the dysfunctional narcissistic system, but so many previous weird things fell into place with this new information. I'm going to be taking some time away, possibly permanently. Finding therapy for this has been difficult, between insurance, closed practices, and clinicians who push forgiveness and engage in victim blaming.
Glad you're here. You may relate to this article I wrote a few years back! www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
My mother was abused in her family of origin which I only discovered in her early stages of dementia, thankfully her sister confirmed it. They pushed down their experience with rage, humor and projection. It was helpful to learn this, however, I cannot share this safely in my family. It would be fuel for the fire of torture towards me because they can’t handle the truth. So I navigate through the murky channels of what people do to survive and how I can find the clear waters of healing to thrive.
Every time I read one of the articles you recommend, for example, DARVO…I think how did they figure this out? Someone else KNOWS about this? I want to do a victory dance, I feel validated, heard, SANE. Dr. Freyd is brilliant! And so are you! You’re the only ones that have nailed this situation so accurately. It feels too good to be true. It was a DARVO experience that made me go ‘no contact’. I was hyperventilating and overwhelmed on Christmas Eve after having my mother do this very thing to me that I could not describe. In less than six weeks we had packed up our home, bought another one and moved 1/2 way across the country to get away from my mother. Little did I know, that wasn’t even half the battle. It would be another year before I realized my older sibling was just as abusive. The younger one knew what side her bread was buttered on and shoved the knife in deeper. I spent years being a doormat in the workplace. I work from home now part time. I miss socializing, but not the bullying that inevitably takes place in work environments. I would love to be ‘normal’, but at 54, I’m not sure I could get there.
I've been in this field long enough to try to never use the word 'normal'; but we can get 'healthier'. This usually begins by more fully understanding what we are suffering from. If you haven't yet read my research-based introductory guide on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, I encourage you to do so. Specifically, one needs to understand why they may have complex trauma - this is one of the major issues that, when addressed, can get one fully on the road to health and healing.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes! Because it's the kind of book you put down and really think with and there's only so much we can absorb at one time, especially with topics like this.
As always....Thanks again Rebecca...you deliver really helpful insightful & informative food for thought...and being a suscribed and feeling part of your forming evolving & expanding family of escaped goats (FoEG's! 😘) as I Iike think of us all (❤👋🐐👋❤)..is a real gift a blessing & a privilege. So Thanks again, please keep doing what your doing, your output is of worth beyond measure! Hugh Love Jane xxx
Thanks Rebecca! Another eye opener I've always thought I had to save the (FAMILY) since I've accepted some hard truths and understanding why this is so hard betrayal is awful I felt like hated step child and spent a lot of time alone and later in life I don't trust can't form healthy but hopeful I will but content with myself seeing a ton of unhealthy unhappy disconnected relationships and knowing a little more then a lot of folks cause ain't many looking at self and a society with so many character types I can see why it's so hard for us. This topic hit on multiple levels. I sure do enjoy and look forward to your weekly topics. Thank you!
Thanks for the kind words your validation means more then anyone's for you to notice my growth is very impowering to say the least. Your book, platform, and tremendous knowledge only one who goes through this hell would understand We are very grateful for you. You are a special angel 😇!
I don't even talk to people about the topic and list the indicate that they're a scapegoat themselves first. Golden children think that "family is everything" and considering the double standards that they benefit by where they're put on a pedestal--I could literally see them wrinkled their nose in disgust (while trying to hide it at the same time) if I said that not everyone thinks that family life is perfect. (I truly feel sorry for anyone who had to endure these types as a sibling that I hardly knew at bars or whatever)
Matt and the crazy thing is that this is truly how hurt people hurt people and shows you how sick the family system is. Cult style.. 5 ys in putting in 3 ,4 hrs a day everyday learning and connecting but the layers Rebecca Mandeville discusses have benefited me the most i believe theres a life time of work picking up are million piece puzzle. But there is a light and Rebecca knocked this FSA crap out the park. These people are soul collectors time to take ours back!! Truth and understanding = belief and belief brings healing.. It's a marathon but there's zombies everywhere.
Something i have learnt too is that even outside our family of origin, our demeanour can attract people who have the same characteristics, also traumatised who don't want to recognise that their behaviour isn't healthy for us, but we get close to them and they too become the ones we are trying to get away from. Navigating this part is very diffigult because i still want to iold onto my forgiving nature but end up fighting with other who project their unrecognised unhealed behaviours onto me and once again their feather get attached to my tar that I'm trying to wash off. It would be nice if we could see them coming but that is expecting too much
Yes, these unconscious processes shaped by early childhood conditioning run deep, causing adult survivors to "go to what they know." As I say in the video I released today regarding healing and recovering from FSA, 'awareness is the first step', and clearly, from your comments here, you are gaining much awareness very rapidly.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you so much for this encouraging response. Although I have been badly scapegoated in the past 2 years by my family and resulted in me becoming emotionally re-traumatised, I did learn as a teenager that what was happening to me was not right and left home straight after I wrote my last exam of high school. I also was on the rollercoaster ride most of my life of going no contact and being hoovered in by my mother over the years, the recent re-traumatising was when I took my mother in at 85 years because I felt sorry for her. She died last August and I had to demand my freeloading brother to leave my house. So I recognised the signs but it was only when I managed to get my mother into a home where the owner was a qualified psychologist who identified me as the FSA. For that identification I too am grateful because it helped me to find you and your book.
I am the adult that has just learned about scapegoat trauma. I feel so much betrayal. My relationships brought me to a breaking into healing point, and now I understand the entire dynamic. Who I am is walking trauma and now I have to be someone else and I feel all alone. I want to start a scapegoat support group but not sure how to start.
I hope you find my videos helpful. You may also want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. My website has a link to FSA resources on the home page. I list a private Facebook group there you may want to check out. My website is scapegoatrecovery.com.
Betrayal is a big one. I'll watch this one later cause caregiving today. But I felt that when I managed to get out of what would have been a toxic relationship in my early 20s. A bit messy and not as well but I was a lot younger and still learning about life. But that resulted in an angry letter by my mother who started off by saying I'd disgrace the family name and this poor guy just showed up at the house. I wrote back and said if I'd disagraced the family name wouldn't be the first or last to do so and to feel free to contact me if she was interested in hearing what I had to say which included breaking it off after he threatened to kill himself if I didn't want his type of relationship and telling him he needed professional help and I'd help him find a professional. A bit overwhelmed and that was all I could think to do. My mom did contact me and we talked and she apologized saying she should have heard from me about it rather than believe someone she just met. Fast forward, that man is now close with my mom and his siblings and his younger brother was sent here at 18 b/c he was getting into trouble at home, running with bad crowd and was originally staying overnight. Fastforward 35 years and he's still living here. I'm in the household helping out my mom and working with her caregivers. My siblings LOVE him and shower all this attention on him and he rewards that by getting them box seat tickets for them during sporting events, nice restaurants etc through his work. He and I used to be equally involved in decision making including a lot of the finances but within a couple years, now he's boss and I'm to do what I'm told and not sure how that happened. He's very attentive and friendly with my sisters and very callous and unfeeling and almost resentful towards me. Only talking when he needs or wants something or's just bored. I don't know if this is usual or unusual in situations like this. But it seems odd that a toxic relationship that I got out of b/c I chose myself over the relationship has turned into all this where he and his brother are probably considered more members of the family than I am in part because he makes my siblings happy and their lives easier. They throw him a birthday party every year at his favorite restaurant (and don't remember mine though I remember theirs) and I'm the only family not invited. So when I think about the betrayals, maybe I'm wrong but this feels like one on some level. None of my siblings toxic relationships (as they've defined them) are family members trusted with so much years later. I'll watch later. Still unpacking a bit from the Grief video which was excellent btw as are all your videos.
Glad you found the grief video helpful, Marzy - Do also read Dr Watson's article on grief and FSA that I linked in the pinned comment and video description, it's a good one.
Wow! That's a different sort of scenario. I was kicked out of my parents' home the second time at age 20 (first time age 15), even though I was the only one with a steady job, money in the bank, and taking night classes. Two siblings left at home were doing drugs, overdosing, being admitted to psych wards by way of ERs, yet I was the bad guy. My father invited complete strangers to live in their basement, young, effeminate men, and otherwise. He would just walk up to them and offer them a place to stay, rent free. I did need to go back home about 11 years later...I could barely function. Of course, I was asked to pay rent. Got run off again soon after turning 34... 0:01
You're welcome, glad you're here. Here's a resource page I made for FSA adult survivors in case you are wanting some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
My first experience with The Crazy, as I call it, was in 1990. The psychiatrist called it Chronic Major Depression and suggested a particular therapist and elavil..I felt liberated, to have a name for The Crazy, because if it had a name, it must have a treatment. I called my mother to tell her, and the first thing she said was "Oh I'm sure they said this is my fault, because it's always the mother's fault'. And my first responding thought (thought but not said, bc to say anything contrary to any edict by either parent was a whole different brand of The Crazy) was 'how come you don't think I can have depression without your input?' I had my own secret life of trauma that I'd covered from family because anything bad almost always started with 'why did you allow this to happen?" and then suddenly, instead of comfort, you're having to defend what had been done to you. Of course, now that I am an old woman, I'd be glad to tell my parents they fucked me up with their outmoded, blame based, view of the world. The phrase "Betrayal Trauma" has the same resonance for me as my initial diagnosis of depression. Thank you.
" I had my own secret life of trauma that I'd covered from family because anything bad almost always started with 'why did you allow this to happen?" and then suddenly, instead of comfort, you're having to defend what had been done to you. " - POWERFUL. Worthy of an entire video. Thank you, Sarah. Glad you're here.
If funny once you know about scapegoating you can easily see it in of dysfunctional homes. I just got fired, I was hired to care for an elderly woman but the first day I started working there I saw how dysfunctional they were. One child lived with the woman I cared for and I was told horrible things about him and be careful. I gave the kid a chance and spoke to him and he was very pleasant to talk to. I refused to call the narc stepdad when he entered the house or join in on beating this kid down. He liked to talk to me and they had cameras there watching us. Since I refused to join them they wanted me gone. I was an excellent worker but they still gave me a hard time. Yesterday they let me go.
You were let go for all of the right reasons. BTW, we know in the Family Systems field that 'outsiders' can see dysfunctional dynamics far more easily than the family itself can. Good for you for not allowing yourself to be drawn in.
Thank you so much for these videos Rebecca. I’ve been watching RUclips videos about narcissistic abuse for years (maybe 6-7 years now) and your channel offers the best, most direct help for those of us who are going through FSA. You give the information but also constantly teach us not only about your research but your colleagues as well and I appreciate that so much. I have learned so much in just these last few days I’ve watched your videos (nonstop if I may add). I also want to say I’m so thankful for your kindness in the way you present the information. When you say the phrases we should have heard when we were children i really feel the love you have for your work, the passion to help us, and warmth you have for all of us survivors. It’s something I rarely experience watching other videos. You REALLY care about us and it really comes across. Thank you so much ❤
Your message touches me deeply, and I am grateful for all you express. I love my work and am eager to get back to making videos and working with clients - once I am medically cleared. In the meantime, I am happy to be able to connect with you all here. Thank you for taking the time to leave this comment. Please do read my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) if you haven't yet. It will help orient you further to my work on this form of abuse that I named FSA.
I was raised in a narcissistic family system dysfunctional family system I have chronic and severe complex trauma and I’m the scapegoat in my family lost my mom 3 years ago and my grandpa 6 months ago and my mom and divorced when I was 13 years old I’m 34 now my dad cheated on my mom then my mom remarried too my stepdad they was married for 10 years then he cheated on my mom and then like 4-5 years later my mom died of stomach cancer but back too the real problems I’ve tried too confront my family about my problems and wish my family would change they just gaslight me and they are really religious abuse too and emotional neglectful and I’ve had porn addiction since I was a kid and battle alcoholic addiction and had too go too rehab I really don’t have the support I battle mental health issues and severe social anxiety and depression severe they scapegoat me bad say I’m crazy it’s all in your head and I get blamed for everything is my fault
Your work in this area is refreshingly impressive. I've been the IP since 1973 and in my humble opinion, narrowing this dynamic down to the FSA level is really at the core of the entire dysfunctional/narcissistic structure, which is the need to assign blame. My siblings are quite malicious in their slander techniques using the victim spin scenario you discuss. I had a flight response and, while estranged, my mother switched our traits, presenting my loser siblings as successful and I was presented as "on drugs" among other derogatory things. Since my mom is a PhD in accounting, I submitted my docs to her for review before filing my taxes. I only did so in order for her to see on government SSA paperwork that my work history is worth 2 to 3 times more than those of my 5 decade protected slanderers. (She never got back to me, lol)
My older sister, an IRS agent, with many accounting courses under her belt (BS and Masters in other curricula), but could never pass the CPA exam, just passed....last sibling to pass.....she let the "family home" fall into major disrepair, while living there under a Living Trust situation....that she engineered, died owing over $25,000+ in credit card debt, just like my mother before her 24 years ago, but put in the "Letter of Wishes" addendum, supposedly written by my mother, that the 2700 square foot home in an upscale neighborhood, was to be kept up by those continuing to live there.smh!!! They haven't had a working water heater for quite some time, gutters off in the back, wood rot, couldn't afford to pay anybody $400 to cut up a felled tree in the front yard of their hoity toity zip code neighborhood. And the lies she wrote about me in documents, both legal and questionably legal, over 24 - 30 years ago, kept from me and now being flushed out of the woodwork.....just never ends.... she tried to take credit for so many things, lied about my achievements and independence in the documents...just never ends....persecuted from the grave...0:01
This is the best explanation ever. As an adult the family yries to "help" in ways you don't want to be helped aka set you up. The were afraid " something bad would happen". I told them if anything happens, they are the first one i eanted investigatef by the law. Im sorry my peace pleasing eas mistaken gor ineptitude and low IQ. I promised to show you nothing but contemp from now on.
Some family systems are so narcissistic and sadistic....that, well, things happen that are beyond the frame-of-reference of the even somewhat dysfunctional family.....and I know....as it has almost cost me my life several times before learning that my perception of myself was fed to me so that someone else could feel better about themselves. Two narc parents wrote the script and forced me into a deadly play.....but I see it all now and am letting them own themselves....even if they don't want to....too bad.
Yes, deadly....set up to attempt suicide as a very young teen, by a mother who showed me how it was done, then both turned and looked the other way when I fought the demon of suicide.....on my own....for about 18 months. Utter, total and complete murderous sociopathy, like their father, the devil...
Learned a lot while viewing this. Seems most of the Intergenerational wounding is coming through my father - historically oppressed peoples (Scotch/Irish/Welsh, by the English), an adopted paternal grandfather (born late 1880s?) - unknown parentage/heritage. My father was one of 9 children. He got badly burned on his leg as a very young boy while playing with matches, stayed in the bed for several weeks while healing. Had a large scar all his life. (I had a nightmare at age 15 that i could feel the heat of a fire on my skin so badly that it hurt. Family psychiatrist thought I, and two of my 3 siblings, had "been burnt.") The narcissistic abuse aspect came through my mother. She was an unrecovered ACOA of an alcoholic parent, also born in the late 1870s. So, both kinds of Dysfunctional Family systems. Found and released some stuff on The Emotion Code today related to Betrayal Trauma, Attachment Trauma, Complex Trauma, etc. Thank you. You are helping me ask where I specifically need to look for healing/release. 0:01
You have a great amount of insight, sounds like. I'm right now working on defining the term 'scapegoat trauma', supported by my FSA research. You might be interested in a colleague of mine's work, Daniel Foor. He and those he has trained give workshops around the world. I know him from the grad school I taught at. He is a PhD but also an LMFT so he gets the family piece. His specialty is Ancestral family (and personal) healing. Link to his book here: www.amazon.com/Ancestral-Medicine-Rituals-Personal-Healing-ebook/dp/B01MFFK2OM/ You might also check out his website.
Some survivors of narcissistic abuse in their family of origin with more than one family member who has learned to rely on secrecy about what they are having to go through or what they have gone through sometimes experience worse abuse than other family members have. My guess is that almost every family has at least one person in their extended family who could be called narcissistic. Once they experience hurt when not being believed by one of their siblings sometimes they then do not trust anyone else in their family too. If their siblings or other relatives have a change of heart that can lead to those siblings and older relatives experiencing such severe survival guilt they end up trying to overcompensate so much they then end up being invalids further burdening the one who has gone through worse first or they end up dying around 10 years sooner. The guilt and shame in a family headed by a narcissist often seems to be going around in circles unless the people in that family get educated about how narcissistic abuse and violence affects us human beings and about what to do about it. The good news is people like me who have been diagnosed with trauma can heal with or without the support of some of their other biological family members. Further after being diagnosed with complex trauma they can heal without being on medication for the rest of their lives. I owe my life to holocaust survivor care giver professionals could understand what I was going through during my healing journey who had to heal from trauma before me who never gave me a permanent negative diagnosis while for example not judging me only for having a grandfather who was born in Germany and then moved here and then married my grandmother after the Great Depression had already started not long before the second world war broke out too. Both sets of grandparents in my family were victims of systemic racism too. Not bad as what most black families had to go through and what they continue having to go through however it helped us all understand better what they went through too.
Thank you, Frances, for this very insightful and poignant comment. Many nuggets of truth here; I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with us regarding your experience (and understanding) of family scapegoating.
Once again, thank you for these videos! I have been "no contact" with my scapegoating mother for 3+ years. The smear campaigns have persisted. My mother is an expert at being a victim - in all areas of her life. She presents herself to the world as an extremely fragile and wounded person, and, while this may in fact be true, many of her problems are of her own making. However, she skillfully scrapes off any responsibility she might have onto others - often that "other" is me. She even had the nerve to blame the failure of her 4th marriage on her middle-aged children. She's now on marriage #5. My family is very fractured, as you might imagine. Because I'm often the target of her fault-finding, I have been assigned a reputation as one of her primary aggressors (and I have been since a very early age). And, while I have a cordial relationship with my siblings and extended family - they are not close relationships (I really haven't seen any of them in years. This has become even more pronounced since I fled the relationship with my mother. How am I supposed to respond to questions and criticisms from people when they question how I could wound my mother so greatly by cutting her out of my life? How do you tell the world that you have been emotionally abused and neglected by a mother that everyone sees as a timid and wounded bunny rabbit? How do I explain to people that I'm simply protecting myself - when, in there eyes, I've always been the problem?
Your comment / family experience brings to mind this video I did on covert narcissism. Your questions are good ones. The fact is, few people understand this form of abuse, which is one of the reasons I have researched on it for decades and gave it a name (family scapegoating abuse/FSA). With increased understanding within the general public, survivors may not be in the current position they are in: Unsupported with their pain and suffering invalidated except within survivor communities like this one. You might benefit from reading my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Link to video here: ruclips.net/video/jaFO4ABapi0/видео.html
Thank you! I will watch this video next. I was in the midst of buying your book as you responded. Your videos are so helpful!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
I have stumbled upon covert narcissism in my search for answers. I really struggled to see my mother in the description - finding lots of her behaviors in BPD discussions. However, that didn't fit perfectly either. The more I read about covert narcissism, the more I see the behaviors. My mother is sooo sooo wounded and fragile in her presentation that it's been a struggle to "label" what is wrong (for the sake of understanding). Thank you!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Labels are limiting, but by understanding a particular constellation of behaviors and what might be driving them we can better understand the dynamics that may be at play in our family that have impacted us, which can help make sense of what happened in our Family System and aid in one's healing and recovery. These things are rarely clear or black/white, of course (despite the fact many will say it is to simplify things and/or please their fans or followers). The fact is, humans are complex creatures and wounded / dysfunctional / traumatized humans and the systems they unconsciously co-create, even more so.
The price you pay is that no matter what , you cannot fight the false narrative. The family will not let the truth get in the way of a good story. Eventually you go completely no contact. The rest of the family will gang up on you. They think you did or said things you didn't say or do. You realize after a lifetime of pain, to never trust or believe any thing they say or do. I don't understand their need to keep trying to drag you back. They have no self respect at this late stage in life.
I was black sheep of family. I currently do not speak to them at all. I cant deal last i know is that my mother has bladder cancer. I refuse to be blamed for everything thing that is wrong. I have no feelings towards them any longer. When ypu are told your whole life your a failure then you are. Period. You try to unhear words. You cant !!
I made a couple of FSA Recovery Affirmation videos and they are free here on my channel. You might try saying these Affirmations out loud daily. It may help the other, damaging words from your past scapegoating become more faint as new neural pathways develop (I discuss this more in my clinical series here on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' or FSA).
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery Thank you i will look into them. Some of these have been pounded in my head for 55yrs so may be difficult to unlearn them. Very interested in them
Your channel has been enlightening. I have had to once again remove myself from having a relationship with my siblings. I know I'm not the person they think I am. I have had several achievements in my life. And they'll never see me for who I am.
My "mother" was a SPOILED BRAT...her only trauma was when she had to have begun to grasp the world did not find her as glorious as her parents treated her.. To add to it she was always jealous of her oldest sister... I think that was a MAJOR part of why I was chosen ... I was the oldest of 3 girls.. and my father was CRAZY about me..I looked like a little walking doll.. But I did not want to be dressed up like her little doll. She YANKED my hair when she was fixing it if I flinched she would hit me in the head with the heavy brush.. Finally when I was 3..one of my brothers asked me if I wanted him to cut my hair off..so she couldn't do that... He cut it with huge shears..lol My "mother" had taken my oldest brother to kindergarten and was gone 20 minutes.. When she saw me she went insane... She called my father and demanded he come home.. He kept asking her if I were alright.. He finally came home and checked me to see if my brother had cut me. He yelled at her..."You should be glad he didn't like her eye out... He said he would take me to his barber when he got home from work in the afternoon.. All day she was in her room with the door closed hysterical.. My father's barber got out a magazine and looked at how to cut "a pixie"...he did a great job.. But she couldn't look at me without contempt from that day forward.
That look of contempt is one a child never forgets. Painful example of why this form of abuse must be recognized and taken seriously by society and within the Mental Health profession.
My father began sodomizing me at 8 months old. At 2 years he beat me until I was comatose with a flail chest, pelvic fractures, femur fractures and a skull fracture. It probably does begin very early because the perpetrator is an very sick child in an adult body. At 76 it is a very long story but I promise one can grow and recover and become an adult that does not view life thru the eyes of a wounded and broken child.
The terrible thing is that if I am working hard to be and feel better, and I am not feeling shame so much, I end up manufacturing or making decisions that put me in a predicament to feel shame once again, perhaps because it has been my "normal" for so long, I feel less grounded or disassociate because it feels horrendous but familiar
This can sometimes be repetition compulsion. Also, research indicates that the brain can get addicted to experiencing chemicals associated with certain emotional states - including negative ones. I'll see if I can get a video out on this down the road - many adult survivors experience this.
Finding good support has been hard. I've experienced betrayal from counselors several times. Where do I go? My area is lacking in trauma informed counsel. Any help with finding good trauma informed counselors is appreciated.
It's very hard to find good help - I've tried about a dozen therapists throughout my life. Truthfully, exercise and mindfulness meditation have been the most helpful - and now this channel beats all of it in terms of feeling heard and seen.
Hi Jennifer, I list some therapy modalities that can be effective for FSA recovery in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. In general, to understand what I call 'FSA', they will need to be trained in Family Systems theory and understand the reality of the scapegoat / identified patient role and also be able to do 'parts' work. Janina Fisher now has a therapist search function on her website for those trained in her Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment (TIST) model. I know people who also find doing 'parts' work with an Internal Family Systems trained therapist (IFS) helpful. Many work online now since Covid.
What I realize I’m in danger in every way stuff I’m facing living and I am overwhelmed and put in this and rejected abused trauma by my own kids the betrayal of it all my mother dove doing did I’m not good I’m in fear I can’t escape I in danger real danger I fear so that I cannot ever never mind never mind
I had a argument recently with a family member I use to have connection with and I noticed shortly after it how I felt I was disassociating in & out in the argument I'd disconnect to how I felt zooming out when they'd fire back at me as it was too painful I suppose to deal with that & zoom in being present when I'd have to speak to them and make my case. I thought I'd handled it really well this time hardly shaking at all, I didn't let the person deflect I held the convo on severe laser point hardly taking any bait if i did take a side bait I'd do it for like 3 steps then realize whatever I said wasn't going to matter to this person as they just wanted to divert from the core subject so I'd abandon the side quest to return to core quest & be like nope not today you don't get to deflect off this topic! And boom back on! And after having the argument I didn't break down and cry afterwards either I thought it went well yet like I said I recalled zooming in & out the whole time which was something I couldn't understand why so it seems it maybe disassociation I was sensing & experiencing based on this vid. Also in general if you think or know you have PTSD you may want to get checked for CPTSD too as I went years thinking I had PTSD it took years to learn there was C-PTSD version so if you think you have the 1 you may have the complex one instead.
Thanks for sharing your experiences with us regarding C-PTSD and dissociation. I have two chapters in my book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and also focus on C-PTSD in my clinical playlist here, if you want to take a look: ruclips.net/p/PLXSLEoZOeKOEoeIx75TNU59TjSc2YHo7W
I'm an artist and did an interview about an album but i also talked about the impetus of the art which was C-PTSD and the abuse i suffered by everyone in my family when I was a kid . The interview got hundreds of thousands of views and people believed me. It was my family's worst nightmare. It was glorious lol
I just don't see why this hasn't been talked about more. I hope it isn't because therapists didn't want to deal with it. They are supposed to look for the truth, not turn away because of their own issues.
Family is such a sacred cow in most all cultures; that's one reason, among many. Also, not all clinical licenses require in-depth family systems training. As a licensed Marriage Family Therapist, I had to do such in-depth training and later taught Family Systems at a grad school. And then actually sat in rooms working with families for many years - which seems a rather rare thing these days.
I am the fighter one, even though, I’ve been so frozen as well! I feel betrayed. That is true. I feel deep deep dissapointment! It started when I was born and has continued since now. But: now I got information! 58 years of hell start to fade and I see some light! Knowledge and the truth releases the pain! I mught even forgive myself sone of my words and actions that I could better have not done. I’ve been desperate, felt like living in the gage! I start to see the open door.
So many scapegoated children / adult children are living in a flight/fight (fear-based) survival state. I'm glad to hear you are developing compassion for yourself and past behaviors as you come to better understand this form of systemic (family) abuse.
HI Rhonda, I discuss this exact thing in the video I released this past Saturday on the Cry for Help trauma response. And the answer is yes - I call it 'righteous rage' - which I also discuss in a video on injustices and righteous rage (check my playlist at the top of my videos on the home page).
Do you have yourself or do you know of any material that has looked at the intersection between familial trafficking, family scapegoating abuse, and betrayal trauma? Specifically with family scapegoating abuse being used as a weapon in either facilitating trafficking (by dismissing the victims cries for help as them being crazy and always a problem just seeking attention) or defending inaction to stop trafficking (ie they asked for it or brought it on themselves, no one help them)?
No, I don't. I've been researching on this form of abuse for over 10 years and it has never come up during surveys, etc, but of course, that doesn't mean it could not happen.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethanks, I was hoping there might already be data on it. It seems like FSA could contribute to creating vulnerability to and certainly victim blaming for it, but if the data isn't there then it isn't here. I appreciate your response!
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
This book came at the right time for me. Highly recommend this book. I have already gone back to reread parts of it.
can't wait to give my review!
📢📢📢FuN FaCt📢📢📢
Rebecca's book is sold and shipped by Amazon
soooo, if you have an Amazon credit lingering, it can automatically be applied- possibly costing you little to nothing upfront‼💃🕺💥
It took me 73 years to end all family contact. Thanks for the valuable information. It’s never too late to save yourself
😮thank you thank you.. the impostor syndrome- the worthlessness - I didn’t realize toxic shame.. its there.
I spoke against the family narrative and was ridiculed for doing that to the point I had a nickname related to my struggle to be heard. It took a lot for me to accept that I never was and never will be heard by them. It was a tremendous relief to stop fighting.
Yes. This is a key aspect of 'radical acceptance' of unpleasant realities we are in fact powerless to change.
They don't want to hear you because they're LYING to themselves and want to present the best (albeit FALSE) narrative. You'll find that they do this in a few other areas with people that they're not scapegoating as well to come out as the hero. (Narcissists like them always have to "win"... unfortunately it's only in Fantasyland and the joke is on them at the end of the day)
@@greintje6941yes....had a life dream as a young adolescent that my mother, brother, and sisters were not my real family....only my father...dreamed we were Jewish, which we were not....dreamed I was adopted....
I had a nickname too. Mine was Morality Police. I care about all of us and hang on to the fact there are others and they're like me.
@@norxgirl1
I had exactly the same fantasy . I knew in my mind that I was not the child of the people who called themselves my parents .
I was adopted , a runaway .... anything but their daughter
You are right about the fighters being exhausted. I can attest to that. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness within weeks of a horrific narcissistic rage episode during a family vacation; I was the target of righteous contempt and a complete invalidation of my being by 3 siblings including a lifelong in-law. It's been a wake up call and resulted in me going no-contact after deciding I want to live in a healthy manner in all areas of my life. It's not too late to live out my dreams, because I deserve it!
My dear here on my end I had a thoracic aortic aneurism and died on the kitchen floor being med flighted to Pensacola with a team of surgeons flying in from Tampa. My daughter in law called me a liar and said none of it was true. She was also calling around facilities to gain information. I am concerned about the mental health presently of my son and grand daughter as his behaviors are highly abnormal. They “defend” the attackers and get pulled into the subtle yet insidious abuse cycles. Take care. Losing your own family is mind boggling, but I have the desire to find a new life. You do deserve it! Yes.
@@Bluewaterpinessantarosabeach I saw a video on narcissism recently where a woman speaking on it was talkin about a female friend who had an aneurysm that killed her as a result of the stress from the narcissistic nagging and attacking. NO CONTACT isn't just because of the unpleasantness... evidently it's also life-or-death matter for some of us. (I would never want to admit that someone who hated me so much could cause me to croak but maybe I need to get over that last layer of denial... I'm NO CONTACT for other reasons-- but I need to acknowledge this one too perhaps)
@@MattJimmy I was very close to all my children. Knowing I have a grand daughter that will grow up knowing nothing about me? My grandson was always by my side and now 27 calls me every day. I can not believe the destruction in my family . One by one I am losing them. Never in my life would I ever imagine this. But then the one who began the take down was stabbing me in the back with sharpened pencils as I lay in my crib. I have endured more than my share. So behind those big Cape Cod mansions sir , is a girl who ran out the door with her dog to spend the day sailing to escape abuse. Where to I begin . Post script. I have had homes , land, all n my belongings from every home stolen and recently a deed stolen. Everyone , everyone who has ever known me has always stated I am genuine and always the kindest. Easy prey for insanely wicked people . I’m waiting for the next encounter. Last saw my son ( without) grand daughter on March 1st and his behavior towards me was so aggressive and frightening that I was terrified.
@@Bluewaterpinessantarosabeach I had close friend who suffered from scapegoating from their older sister too. Like in your pencil incident, he had an aunt admit to him in his middle-age that his older sister giggled about trying to push the mom down to stop the pregnancy when she was pregnant with him. (Talk about a predictor of things to come for the person!)
@@MattJimmywow! One of my primary scapegoaters has been older, firstborn sister, who just died about 6 weeks ago....my mother was bad, but my older sister pretty much takes the cake, especially since I outshined her in so many areas of life. She was absolutely pathologically vicious - just now finding out about all the lies she has written in legal documents about me from several decades ago, since they were all kept from me.....being flushed out now. My parents let her rule the roost....quite the sociopath!!!!
Injustice rage is what i feel
I like that term - I should have thought of it!!
Me too until now. Now I'm beginning to have radical acceptance and it helps to rreregulate my system to a state of calm.
@beverleybenjamin3648 Hello, do you have any suggestions on how to move toward that radical acceptance? Dealing with this for so long, the rage is exhausting and embarrassing when you start feeling you don't have any control over it. Thank you in advance. Shalom... Peace to all.
♡
Me too. I was blamed for everything that wasn't right in my family. Every thing was my fault. I tried so hard to be a good kid. Nothing could make my parents love me. So I stopped loving them.
It is absolutely heart breaking how many scapegoats out there who have taken their own lives, overdosed on drugs or are in prisons. The ostracizism I experienced in my family drove me nearly to suicide. If it were not for seroquel and Lexapro i would had taken my own life. I would dissociate so completely that I had to be hospitalized in college. If their is a god he will not forgive this abuse.
I was betrayed since I was 2 years old and when I got angry about it I was gaslighted into crazyness.
It is a horrendous form of psycho-emotional, systemic abuse. I hope you now know that many FSA adult survivor suffer from complex trauma - this can be a key to deep healing, once this is recognized, as explained in my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' and in my clinical series playlist here on my channel's home page.
Went through the gauntlet, 8 months in the hospital 40 TMS treatments tried ECT. I pray everyday to see karma/justice/ redemption etc on my abuser and anyone supporting it.
thank you. .i am 62.. burnt out.. from the fight, flight.. survival. feeling like something is so wrong with me.. and struggling and trying to build something healthy... it seems like the more i fight to get away from 'it and them'.. I get more caught up with it.. and i am ANGRY NOW.. i didn't have a supportive or connected family.. and.. i don't NEED THEM NOW... i was an INNOCENT, NEGLECTED KID.. and, i had to figure out alot of life ALONE... and. what a shitshow.. WOW.. . even my own kids are assholes...from a bad relationship.. DONE . SO DONE. .. JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. IN PEACE AND QUIET.
I hear you and I’m like you. I’m 63 and totally wiped out. You have support here.
You're welcome, Rosalie. It is exhausting, indeed, but gets easier once we can let go and 'radically accept' the things we cannot change...
Hello Rosalie! I promise you, it gets better. You're not alone. The anger you feel now is a result of the innocent and neglected kid who had to figure out life on her own...just like me and so many of us here. I felt small and had a choking rage for many years and I couldn't express any of it because I was a church girl, but I did eventually find my voice at age 35 and walked away from family who belittled me for years. Please continue to share and hopefully you'll find a trauma-informed therapist who can help you process what happened to you. All of my love. Yasmine
Rosalie, I get it! I have fight -flight survival issues and will leave any situation I feel im being betrayed or feel unsafe. I know I have CPTSD been scapegoated for years by my family, used, exploited, and put down to build the ego’s of the narcissist and her enablers. Its been a lonely life, and I too feel angry for given no help in navigating life, just left to figure it out by trial & error & all the b.s. that comes with it & I was put through.. So its hard.. abd I understand your feelings.. 🙏🌻
@@blueskiesforever114heart❤❤❤
Thank you, Rebecca, for your regular Saturday videos. Your exposure of FSA is the most captivating piece of my recovery from FSA and narcissistic abuse. Seeing FSA clearly gives me the overview which puts my entire life into perspective and gives me the strength to walk away and stay away. I have lived the betrayal, the exhaustion, the isolation, the loss of trust, the desperation, and now the surreal feeling of how an entire family can do this to one person. I have figured out why it feels surreal. It feels surreal because it is all a lie. It is a false scapegoating narrative used by family members to avoid being responsible for their lives and for telling the truth. I am subscribed to your newsletter, have your book, and look forward to the community you/we are creating.
Thank you, Pamela. Very glad you are here, and good to hear that my work on FSA has been helpful~!
Ditto to everything you say Pamela B 😊.
100% true!
I couldn't agree more, Pamela B!
True it is also a relief to be able to be seen by others who have experienced the same treatment.❤
Being the scapegoat caused me to develop the disease to please which thankfully seeing my psychotherapist helped me to release that toxic pattern 🙏
Wonderful to hear - I used to be 'ill' with that particular dis-ease, and now recognize it as the complex trauma response of 'fawn / submit'.
I was the Scapegoated child in a family of 125 people. My Borderline Mother who smeared me behind my back to her seven sisters turn my oldest Aunt who was The Family Narcissistic Power holder. When my mother had a severe stroke her seven sisters turned on me, for no reason, and they did everything they could to psychologically destroy me. I absolutely have Betrayal Trauma.
Sounds severe, Donna. I would imagine that Betrayal Trauma x 125 people = profound family scapegoating abuse!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I am 72 now and the event I am talking about happened when I was 35. It was the most traumatising event of my life.
I married a very successful man to get out of the situation and he turned out to be a very high functioning Covert Narcissist. I have a Master’s degree in Counseling and I was getting ready to start the process of getting licensed when he destroyed my career.
My ex husband went to a man who was over the mental health systems in 26 counties in the state of Georgia and he told this man horrible lies about me. This Director’s best friend was from the same home town as my ex husband and the best friend vouched for my ex husband and said he was a great guy and that was it. No one approached me. No one told me what had happened and my career at mental health was over. Every time I go to work doing anything my ex husband calls them up and tells them to call mental health and the next thing I know, I am being fired.
I'm so very sorry, Donna. I've seen this before. This happened to a young attorney / new mother I worked with years ago whose husband (she was divorcing him) was a physically abusive covert narcissist. She was being completely screwed over in court until I got involved and was able to get some information to the judge. Up until then, the judge / court system had been completely fooled by the husband into believing my client was "crazy."
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse These Covert Narcissist are something else. Everybody loves them !!!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I believed every word of that there are skilled abusers who look innocent to say the least. Don Hennessy has a very helpful book Steps to Freedom
15:45--"You may tolerate things that no healthy person who REALLY cares about themselves or respects themselves would tolerate. You might repeatedly forgive people who betray your trust."
This is totally who I turned into after years of being the person who used to respect myself too much to tolerate any nonsense. Just because I then had some boundaries didn't mean that I didn't start having bad lovers or bad friends that I never would have put up with in my 20s for too long. (I'm 49). Yet slowly but surely I devolved into that.
But I've been regaining myself over the last half-decade and no more third chances from me. (If they even get a second chance. I'm a pretty laid-back guy but even I get to a point where I can't excuse it anymore when they're trying to sneak in, so to speak)
Nowadays, people get two chances AT MOST with me and if they even get the 2nd chance-- they sure as hell aren't going to get a 3rd one because my microscope is on them after the first orange or red flag
Good to hear you are reconnecting and reclaiming the truth of yourself. Tune in tomorrow because I'm going to release part one of a two part video and it is on recovering the true self and moving beyond splits and falseness. Good to have you here, Matt. Your comments are both insightful and thought/full.
This video resinates with my life I feel abandoned, betrayed, gaslit, stolen from, backstabbed, rejected, don't even know who I am anymore because of constant mind games, gaslighting, double standards, hypocritical behavior, bullying it has really screwed with my mind.
Wow, Rebecca...you bring out the best in all of us! I am so absorbed in reading/relating to all the very intelligent, articulate comments from all these beautiful souls who visit here. The disgusting, uncaring treatment we all have endured but somehow kept ourselves together enough to make it this far validates how strong, "normal" truth telling warriors we really are. Actually, we were/are the envy of our "family"...
Heya! I happened to watch a documentary on Morgellon's disease yesterday and I was struck by how similar the dynamics were between people suffering from Morgellon's and people suffering from FSA. One of the key lines from that documentary was "To recover, victims need to be supported and BELIEVED." Ain't it the truth?(!) Thank YOU for being here and contributing positively to our community where we are BELIEVED...!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Morgellons is an odd disease. I had some version of it and killed it by cutting sugar, alcohol, etc out 100% and eating only fresh greens, herbal teas, etc. - for 2 weeks.
That's very true ! NARCS are envious creatures, unfortunately we were born among them, I was the scapegoat and started to heal a few years go, the amount of trauma we endured with these families it's incredible. Thanks God we have now days so many free tools to recover, like this channel. I must be no contact asap, still in the process of making out, wish me luck!
Hi Rebecca. I just can't thank you enough. Your validation is valuable beyond words after a life of being invalidated. It takes a long time to form new pathways in the brain after 50 years of FSA. I am "no contact" for 7 years and just getting to feeling I can put my guard down and enjoy life. A community support group would be great as validation and support is essential. No one gets it unless they've lived it - as I'm sure you know. I wish I had gone NC many years ago, but there was no one then who was speaking the truth of it as you are now. To younger people suffering from FSA, a support system is essential.
You're welcome, Susan. For any abuse survivor to recover, they must have support and be supported by those who BELIEVE the abuse survivor's report(s). I hope you are finding that here (and elsewhere).
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse It took support and courage. 🙂
I'm still shocked that I found this channel after all this time. You know my pain. You'd believe me if I told my story and hearing it wouldn't trigger you to attack me. I'm reawakening so I can continue to replace flowers in my garden. I'm at a loss. feel so empty. drained and dehydrated. omg thank you for being here. you're saying my lifetime secret. I'm eager to learn and rise above this stage of my life. woo
Family made it crystal clear that they held power over me money wise. Manipulating and hustling me for money for help while I was a single mom. I felt like I was climbing up a landslide with my son and mother above me throwing rocks at me to slow me down. The more I fight, the more they showed me no respect.
I was the scapegoat since I was a child. My brother was abusive since he was a little kid and my parents protected him, I spoke out against the lies and narrative of the family and was immediately forever deemed as the scapegoat. Made out to be the abuser when my parents admitted in private they knew I was abused and not the abuser which was a huge validating relief bc I always had internalized gaslighting issues.
This is exactly what happened to me. To this day my brother hurls abuse at me. I went no contact with him but he wormed his way back in via occasional texting with my husband who is another victim of childhood trauma so has poor boundaries. During this texting, my abusive brother revealed he may have lost my dead mother’s ashes and once again abuse was hurled my way for asking questions and trying to somehow get the process started to get the ashes back. I was told I am evil and disgusting for trying to get the ashes back instead of lionizing my brother for I’m not sure what.
How incredibly sad. About 10-11 years old and fell off my bike. Told my mother and she eventually took me to Urgent Care. Right before being taken to be x-rayed, she asked me if I was faking it for attention. The x-rays showed a break in my forearm in two places. That was the beginning (that I can recall)…
You will want to watch my video here called "You're Faking It!" - This was a definite phenomenon that came up repeatedly during the course of my research on what I eventually named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
Scary how similar the patterns of behavior are in families that do this. I once had a broken arm for 12 hours before I was begrudgingly and with much resentment taken to the ER, where an Xray confirmed a break. During the day I had a shirt roughly and angrily ripped off over my head causing excruciating pain in my arm, because my maternal figure (I refuse to call it mother) accused me of attention seeking when I called for help because I could not lift my own arm to take my own shirt off before a bath. I broke my arm in the morning at a park and the entire family enjoyed dinner and movie before I was taken to a hospital for care. Fun for the uninjured was prioritized and happened first before I was allowed any care for my injury. Wish I could say that was the only time that exact pattern happened to me in my life.
Same
❤
I bet she was concerned about the bicycle though!
The last of the scapegoat saga (hopefully) occurred earlier this week. I blocked my brother's number around Christmas for a variety of reasons. I was regaining a sense of balance and calm and peace and beginning to finally focus on my own life and goals again for this first time in ages.
I recently purchased a new phone. Monday an image came through from my brother - a photo of my Father on his deathbed with the caption "It won't be long until you get your wish!" 😮 I was shaking all over!! I said "What wish?" My brother claimed I wished my Father dead. I have zero recollection of saying that (I do remember saying that our Dad belonged in prison or jail and I would be more than happy to testify for his poor character.)
Anyway, if I did say something as dreadful as wishing his death, it was HIGHLY out of character. Might have been in an emotional flashback - who knows 🤷♀️ Eventually, the stress of it all caught up with me after the suicide of my sister-in-law last year. (This whole mess seems like the Murdaugh's of Madison County.)
Anyway, this one supposed comment, if in fact it was made (my brother claims he saved it on his phone 🤷♀️) was thrown in my face as my Father lay dying.
I couldn't believe it! But, why not? My brother trashed my Father his entire life while I kept my mouth shut for decades. Eventually, and very recently, I blew and suppressed emotions were spilling out all over the place.
I was pleased with myself, though. I did not allow this below the belt behavior to land - nor did I feel guilty for anything spoken or not spoken. I just said that I hoped Dad had a peaceful transition and sent blessings to all. I also said "I have no idea how I wound up being the bad guy/gal in this whole charade. It makes no sense."
I also told my brother that no one knows what's in my heart but myself and God. I was not going to allow his lack of empathy and unnecessary cruelty get the best of me. I was loving and kind to my Father despite a lifetime of abuse, neglect, torment, and taunting. I should have had a metaphorical funeral for him decades ago!
Neither of these men have been anything but a source of pain and trouble to me for the vast majority of my life. (Forget support, love or even a healthy interest.) Anyway, though I was shaking inside, I didn't let my brother know.
The next day, I wasn't satisfied with being ambushed and not taking a firmer stance. One thing I learned about my Dad - the only thing that landed with him was if you got nasty. So, I texted my brother the following..."F$&# off bro'! I want you and that entire redneck clan to leave me the hell alone!!" Then, I blocked his number and deleted any remaining"family" phone numbers in my contact list. Should have done so forty years ago!!! Whew 🎉
Something must be in the air, Kimberly. I've had so many FSA adult survivors report to me lately that they finally have had enough, and directly stated this to scapegoating family members in a clear (and sometimes 'salty') manner that could not possibly be misunderstood - even when their usual trauma response is typically 'fawn' or 'freeze'. I guess the time has come!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Praise God! Run free my scampering scapegoated siblings!!! Our sweet shepherd has opened the gate! We shall meet in that pasture of plenty. 😘💋❤️
I find it very ironic that my older brother and sister by 8 and 10 years, who just like yours, semi-trashed or completely trashed my parents my whole life-- to all sudden play white knight when I started having some criticms of how they were mishandling MY SSI money as payees. (All their trouble officially started seven years ago but it's just been one sibling after the other and I'm no contact with all them now, thank God!)
standing ovation!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse standing ovation👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
my sister was 16 yr old and began gaslighting me and phycho abusing me when I was 4 years old, I always remember the stiff frozen fear I was in after she put me in the back of the car, and Tod me My gramma who we were going to visit was evil. I had never been in a car for eight hours and I had never met her. She was not Evil. My sister was and still is.
This can get overlooked sometimes by clinicians: The fact that an older sibling can be the bully / scapegoat. Parents either see and look away, or it is carefully hidden from them by the scapegoating sibling. There can often be a sadistic streak in such siblings; they enjoy being cruel to those that are younger / more vulnerable in the family system.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseyes...older sister's bullying got really intense after she moved back home from a divorce, then had her hysterectomy....she was the GC....could do no wrong. She just picked up the hatchet that my mother and other family had carried for many years ....difference is - she was actively engaged in the occult, Black Arts....she was definitely demonic....
I have experienced the same when I was a child, it has never been forgotten, my sister is still the same, I have decided never to see her again.
I have bought the book and started reading it - it has triggered me a lot! Fair warning to those getting the book - give yourself time and space to process what surfaces.
I thought I had done all the 'work' going back go @ 2003. Then, I got into a relationship with an exploitative parasite, couldn't seem to get rid of him for 3 years, when I had wanted to end things after about 6 weeks, and realized I was not as healthy as I thought.
Last spring, I learned of the passing of a 'good friend' named Gary. Upon reading through his obit and visiting his grave, all these repressed memories (I've learned are now called 'dissociative amnesia') started to resurface, most notably that he was more than a good friend; he was my first kiss, my first love and he and I had intended to marry. How does someone forget that??
That question has led me down an exquisitely excruciating journey into, then back out of the abyss. I can now pinpoint the exact moment when my brain shattered, when I started to question my own sanity, not knowing what was real, who was real, or what to believe anymore (Depersonalization Disorder / Derealization Disorder). I dissociated, floating just outside of my self. I feared death so much that I avoided cemeteries as though they would just suck me into them. I had deja vu so much so that I thought I had lived former lives. Turns out, those were real memories, but because of the trauma of my upbringing and their association with Gary (because I was punished--beaten, tortured; my and his lives were threatened--for loving him, by my malignant narcissist mother), I could not see 'who' those memories were tied to.
I don't have to feel guilty or ashamed anymore. My mind, my thoughts, my values were no longer my own...for 37+ years. I made decisions based on what would keep me from being abused / nagged / whatever would shut her up and get her to leave me alone, well into adulthood, even marrying men I had no interest in marrying, because that's what she and my father wanted for me.
I grieve Gary, 6 years after his passing, and his own life, because of what my family put him through. His upbringing and and adult life was very difficult, too...he was also his own family's scapegoat and was beaten a lot as a child and teen. Something I hadn't contemplated. Sadly, he reached out to me about 25 years later, but he and I were both so damaged, that we couldn't make a go of it even then. What I also grieve is the the loss of what he and I had shared, the loss of our love, trust, values...all because someone dared teach me--the family scapegoat--that I had value and worth. That is an unforgiveable sin to a narcissist.
I'm working through the bitterness of knowing that everything I wanted was ignored, so I learned to not have needs or wants, and to codependently work to ''earn love' through fawning and accommodating people who, in the end, never really cared about me at all. I allowed all manner of betrayal by others as an adult, and was with people who I never even wanted to be with, for the sole purpose of making others happy, like my friends or parents.
I'm learning how to test for whether people care or not, and slough off those who don't pass. I've learned who I really am at my core; when I feel safe, confident and free (like I was when I knew Gary)...I really like that girl. She's pretty great. I can see why he loved her. I kind of love her myself.
Glad you are taking the book slow. Sounds like you are having some very deep and penetrating awarenesses and need time to digest all that is being revealed within and without.
Yes, my mother's abuse was intentional. It became very obvious towards the end.
Sadly, this is not uncommon. I see it more in narcissistic family systems or in families where parents are mentally ill - versus highly traumatized, dysfunctional ones.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for replying, Rebecca. Yes there was mental illness for sure. My parents were very toxic, the difference between them being that my father's abuse was explosive and unpremeditated while my mother lay in bed plotting and planning her abuse without a shadow of a doubt. I never knew my father as a young man but apparently he was very out going and sociable. By the time I was born he had completely closed down and was extremely paranoid. He never went out and didn't have any friends. Conversely, my mother was out all over town day and night as chairwoman of this and leader of that... we only ever had one family holiday in a caravan when I was about 5 y.o. It was horrendous, of course 🤣
Mine was too
It’s a great article. I resonate with the biggest betrayal being when you finally recognize the abuse for what it is, and (too kindly) ask for it to stop…. But they just double down. It’s the worst. Because then you can’t make more excuses for them. You know, they know, you’ve asked them to respect you, and they refuse. It confirms that they are only able to look after themselves, and will sacrifice you for their needs. The ultimate betrayal.
Well said. I hope you also had a chance to read Dr Erin Watson's article - I linked it in this video description, as well as my brief video I put out last Saturday.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I did! I enjoyed the read. 😊
Blood lust!!! Seems the whole human race is blood thirsty....until they accept the sacrifice of Yeshua Ha Mashiach....I fully believe that we, the Family Scapegoats, are near and dear to His heart.....and He is coming back for us, soon and very soon....
Needs…or wants.
I definitely felt like I was in a hostile environment where everyone was against me and I had no allies. I felt totally alone. My mother, father, and brother all criticized and ridiculed me.Lisa. C. Is my trauma coach. She is wonderful. When I heard about you, the first thing I wanted to do was tell her. Then I saw your book. I thought. Another synchronicity at work.
It is a true tragedy. I hope there are supportive people in your life today.
For me in my family (virtually no contact now for about 10 years) betrayal was the the color of the canvas on which everything took place. To get used as a surrogate husband by a selfish mother in a loveless marriage is a betrayal, years long smear campaigns by brothers is a betrayal, denial/defense/enabling/excuse-making then and now for the brothers by the same mother is a betrayal, the list goes on a long way and includes the father.
All of it denied upon confrontation, as I had been warned.
It's not like I didn't know betrayal was a main theme, but that last video I think made me realize that 'betrayal' was the poison air I breathed all those years growing up while all the individual stuff that turned into patterns was taking place.
To add a little weight to the pain and confusion caused by betrayals that are a fixed pattern and not one-time or occasional mistakes that we're all capable of during our lives -> and hopefully clean up immediately and sincerely, unlike our families if we were scapegoated -> here's a couple video's I came across by Jordan Peterson this week.
These relate to the human subject of betrayal -> they are not specifically about scapegoating or even psychological or other abuse. But betrayal is betrayal - Jordan points out in one that Dante in the Inferno put betrayers in the lowest/worst place in Hell.
His addressing it at a generic level was instructive for me -> reminding me why -> no wonder I was so torn apart for so long and confused as a kid, and angry as hell, but in the same second felt guilty for hating my own family, then never really being sure to what extent I could expect the rest of the world to behave like they did.
Anyway - the weight of betrayal in any form is massive on the human spirit, Jordan points out. As a defenseless kid with no context into which to interpret it - alone against four? I often wished they would just outright get violent with me, have it out in the open, and where hitting back would then have been explicitly justified. As it was the anger was stuffed, and I wasn't even completely sure I wasn't the bad one.
AA has a good saying "It's not anger that will kill you, it's JUSTIFIED anger."
Definitely betrayal is THE fundamental wound I experienced - though I didn't have a name for it at the time, and for a long time it was accompanied with the haughty moralistic judgmental followup voice of the father and the little brother 'well, you deserved it, because the family would have been happy if it weren't for you.'
Getting out of that family I'm quite sure has only provided them more proof for that, so I guess in the end they got what they wanted (they get to keep their delusional version of the bad brother who was the cause of all their negativity) and by me getting out, I got me and my peace and my sanity and my happiness and the rest of my life fully back.
Couple videos of Peterson on Betrayal in general:
ruclips.net/video/xi3LYVblQtg/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/5f4lpvoZaiA/видео.html
Very powerful, what you write here, Don. I hope many here will read this latest comment from you. And thank you for the links.
I read Jennifer Freyd’s book a few years ago. It was phenomenal and I found it very helpful and healing. Ironically I never connected back to the original betrayal of the family of origin. I’m so grateful you are having this conversation. Honestly, I got to a point where I just thought “that’s just how they are”. As true as that is, I overlooked the part that was my experience. It still matters and hurts. I really appreciate your support and expertise. Sending gratitude 🙏🏽 ❤
Yes, when we are born into the dysfunctional (or narcissistic) family 'ground', it is all we know, and it is therefore 'normal' to us. It therefore can take extreme circumstances before we wake up to the truth and get out of the pot of boiling water we were cooking in.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse For sure it can take really extreme circumstances. It really did for me!
Why do signs and symptoms of complex trauma intensify when you reach adulthood?
This is a great topic for a video - I've added it to my list. Many factors are involved, and some are unique and specific to each adult survivor of abuse. Interestingly, we know in the psychoanalytical field that it is in mid-life that the defense mechanisms can begin breaking down significantly and there are brain changes related to hormonal shifts that contribute to this. Those who fight these changes may be viewed as having a "mid-life crisis" - they are running from the truth that is inviting them to stop, feel, and heal...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse this is amazing info - thank you so much!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse fascinating. thank you.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Interesting. I was just reading about fashion models and how when they turn about 40 start having a very difficult time because they can’t rely on their looks anymore. They use escape mechanisms and one even committed suicide. We all have to face what’s been hidden underneath and in the shadow, huh?
Because our experiences are never validated and as authentic people, we need closure from people who exist in a false reality. Due to the insidious nature of the FSA phenomenon, there are many layers of unresolved trauma. We live uninvited, deflected/projected upon, and invalidated. And, at around age 25 the rational part of the brain becomes prominent, which becomes the beginning of our connection to the incongruent messages/energies within our bodies. We go through all the stages of grief - alone. To say we are strong is such an understatement, there should be another word to describe it. 💜
I’m becoming conscious of this type of behavior from my adopted family. Recently estranged by choice, but still sorting out how I think I should feel. That’s weird. Your videos are helping me understand a little bit better.
Thank you!!
I received your book last week, and read it over a number of days. There is so much in it to absorb and reflect on. I thought I had made great efforts to inform myself on narcissistic abuse, but your book added a whole new dimension not typically addressed by therapists focused on narcissistic abuse. I had never really viewed myself as a scapegoat in my dysfunctional family (narc mother and sister), but it is now clear to me that indeed, I was experiencing this. It explains so much of what I went through as a teenager, and in my early 20s. You can have food, clothes and a roof over your head and still be neglected or forgotten. Surviving is not thriving- it is not really living. It is a poor substitute.
It was only once I left home, and had other experiences (saw how my friends' families functioned), that it became clear to me, that my own family of origin was horribly messed up. Once that came to light, I could not "un-see" it. From that point on, I could not stomach going home to visit during my time off of university. I started to dread trips home at Christmas, and often found myself sitting in the airport, contemplating switching my plane ticket to somewhere/anywhere else but home. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Turns out- nothing. This is a normal response to an abnormal situation. Thanks for shedding light on this subject- it is like finally finding the missing puzzle piece.
I appreciate your thoughtful feedback on my book and how it has helped you. It is brief, but dense, and people do tell me they read it many, many times and get more out of it each time. Having been there myself, I also noticed that there was a lack of Family Systems-informed understandings of scapegoating when I was searching for material to help myself. My research on FSA is in certain ways an extension of research conducted many decades ago on the family 'Identified Patient'; I also wanted to emphasize that scapegoating can happen in any dysfunctional family system - not just a narcissistic one. I trust your healing journey will continue and hope you find my videos here helpful.
I want also to say, if anyone is diagnosed with a condition in adulthood, eg ADHD. This can be used big time as a way to have you further blamed…
This came up quite a bit in my FSA research - Later in life, the FSA adult survivor was diagnosed with ADHD. Complex trauma symptoms at times are interpreted as ADHD; ideally, there will be a proper assessment process so one knows for sure - And, of course, one can have both conditions!
Thank you for your response. Yes it’s very important to get a good look at the bigger picture and it is possible to have both. @@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 THat's what happened for my ex partner, and the sad thing he believed all the negativity projected onto him, and stays enmeshed with his parents and siblings rather than building his own life outside the family.
Nothing like being told by your parents when you're not even in puberty yet that they're lucky that their marriage survived my ADHD. Looking back, at 49 years old, how do 2 adults like them live with themselves trying to burden a child would throw marital problems which involved infidelity, by the way? (It's not my job to figure that stuff out and I'm not even tripping about it anymore, but I went through the blame game myself on that one).
Oh my God I'm so overwhelmed when I connect the pieces in this long narrative in my life and even now experience. The neglect, the indifference, the denial, the endless nicknames demeaning any aspect of myself which dared to speak up or be myself. The overwhelming toxic rage triggered as an adult, the toxic shame as a perpetual friend. Wondering why I felt that there was a terrorist inside me. The overwhelming sadness as a release and the later challenge to even find the tears. The tears as a friend who released my body if for a moment from the prison of hypertension. The suicidal ideations, the grief, the guilt, the self-blame, the fishbowl disassociation from reality as if I was in a dream, the freeze at inappropriate times as an adult. The family dynamic of triangulation and blaming myself for even the most horrendous, horrific things which occurred to me or the making them a joke or anecdote. May we all be delivered from this madness.
And quickly! 🙏
How i wish i had know about this about my Mom. She repeated this pattern unbeknownst to me. This article was so informative. I am so happy to see this information available to the public. My mother left clues about her family of origin. I wish I could still talk to her tell her i understand it all now. Compassion for people I believe can bring healing for yourself no matter how absent minded your parents were. What a great video and thank you for your calm, well presented research.
You're welcome, Kay. There is much wisdom in your observations. Self-compassion is also key to recovering from FSA; from this place it may spread to others as their wounding is revealed (even as we appropriately protect ourselves from further harm).
Powerful. Even more powerful are the comments to this video. I remember when I had enough and started connecting the dots and started coming home to myself. From a young age, my diary was my only comfort, confidant, and safe place. It's so raw, so authentic, and so relatable that I turned it into a book in 2020.
Diary entry March 5, 2017:
"Dear Lord, I hate my family. Revive these dry bones of my heart with the power of your word, and with the renewal of my mind. I need you now!
I remember those days since childhood when I used to always exist in a state of preemptive apology (didn't even know what fawning was back then). In my adulthood, I was always in some kind of ritual of abasing myself to get you to talk to me after you'd give me the cold shoulder for months and for years to punish me. Those days are over. Screw you (sibling's name)!"
Powerful prayer, Yasmine - thank you for sharing with us!
Can your book be purchased online?
@@norxgirl1 Yes, Amazon has it internationally, including paperback and hardcover. If you prefer to buy from another online retailer you can use this secure universal buy link (UBL) to do so: books2read.com/intro2fsa
If you meant Yasmine's book, her book is on Amazon also (as well as my website's book shop!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethanks Rebecca...I do have your book. I do have to pull away and process from your videos and book from time to time. They are revelatory! Love you!!!
Therefore it affects close relationships the scapegoat believes they do not deserve too be loved.
Rejection from the family causes disorganised attachment.
And the symptoms of BPD.
That may actually be betrayal trauma and PTSD.
We cannot develop interpersonal confidence.Without a loving mirror
From what I’ve read it is disorganized attachment resulting in complex trauma which is pretty much what they also call BPD. Then these traumatized people get retraumatized when a good number of , say, female killers in the media get accused of being a “Borderline!!” when they’re not borderline. It’s a very misunderstood disorder. I have also read that anyone who is around a narcissist long enough and has been chronically abused by one (or more) will develop the symptoms that are seen in those considered borderline. I think I may have had BPD but when I got away from all of the abusers and learned about their narcissism I began recovering quite quickly. Then learning about family scapegoating is what I needed to focus on, which I’m doing now. Sorry this is so jumbled but I’m not feeling well right now.
That's fascinating, because I thought I had BPD when I was with my ex. Turns out, his energy / psyche reminded me of my mother, a malignant narcissist. My mental breakdowns, panic attacks, fearful wandering through the house, seemingly unprovoked outbursts and stubborn defiance of his attempts to lord over me while also stealing from me and cheating on me...were merely my own soul crying out desperately to me, to get out of yet another abusive situation!
I “felt” the rejection my whole life anyway, so it was no big surprise when it was confirmed during an argument with a sibling 😢 still hurts terribly tho. All the lifelong gaslighting of family love, caring & respect was nothing but lies and facade. I was just a baby, small child, eventual adult seeking love. How could people be so intentionally cruel to an innocent? 💔
I go over family scapegoating dynamics both here and in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. These resources may help to answer your question.
I hear you...big hugs.
It is abuse all the way.
Stay strong...now we can identify the disorder anywhere we go...better late then never xx
Because they're really small inside and feel like they're "big" by stepping on someone else who can't defend themselves. It's called universal evil/bullying. Fake "tough" guys/"mean girls" till the very end, they are. (but people like me get FED UP with them and go NO CONTACT)
I just finished watching your video. It brings tears to my eyes and has set off fireworks of the vivid early childhood experiences from being in a family where BTT occurred. I definitely will be buying your book. I feel empowered after watching all of your videos and wait eagerly every week for the Saturday video sessions. Thank You...getting stronger everyday and still no contact with " family "
I hope you find my book helpful, BB. Sounds like the videos are stirring things up....!
The videos really are stirring things up in a good way. I kept it bottled up mostly, just saying bits about it because I was not believed. I was going through this since I was 11. I noticed this after I'd get compliments from people as a little kid. I'm 65 now. Mother & sister teamed up and bullied me especially after anything good happening for me. At the same time, I was dealing with 2 angry women who worked with me daily in the ministry. They were aggressive mean spirited bullies who taunted me too. Then I'd have to face the bullying from my mom & sis when I returned home from the ministry work each day. I left home & got married only to be physically & emotionally abused by my husband. He died in a traffic accident. Then my mom & sis re-entered my life bringing the same chaos. I was an emotional wreck because of the decades of FSA. I am still in "fight or flight" mode most of the time now. Whew!!! Just glad to finally be awake and abuse free. Thank You for helping us all ❤
@@bbjoyce-je1vxhugs...I really like Motherwort Tea....I grow, harvest and dehydrate myself....for those of us who were poorly mothered....and then some....
Thank you for your sage insight. At 65 and surviving decades of this abuse and, recently, a winning lawsuit, they are no longer permitted in my life. For me, this remains the only solution. Again, thank you.
You're welcome. And congratulations on you win! You may also want to check out my Substack for FSA survivors: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about
Your videos are so comforting. You have helped me feel understood and loved for the first time. Thank you.
Thank you for letting me know, Jennifer. And good to hear!
I fluctuate between fight, flight or fawn depending on the situation/person. I was really put to the test a few weeks ago, with access to my dying son on the line. While researching how to treat Malnutrition in end-stage IV colon/liver cancer I came across nutrition articles at Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. My son was being treated with a Gerson-type Method (raw, juiced vegetables + coffee enemas) and I was pleased to find an article there about Gerson (I’d heard of them >decade ago when my sister had cancer). My son was vomiting up almost everything, but especially the juices he said burned his throat & esophagus. No doubt the lining was inflamed from all the vomiting he’s done over the past months & I was wondering about diluting the juice, when shortly after I started reading I saw a warning from the American Cancer Society for patients to avoid this unproven method, which could reduce the quality of life & hasten death in patients with advanced end-stage colorectal cancer. I also found a similar warning on the Mayo Clinic website, with end-stage CRC the method is contraindicated and sent them to my DIL, asking if she’s talked with my son’s Oncology team about Gerson? Seems to me his loving wife and father would want to know if they are hastening death and grateful for the info. They weren’t grateful. In fact, from that point on I became their #1 villain. At least they did stop forcing him to drink that juice that was burning his throat.
There were many uncomfortable moments, but I knew it would be challenge going in and I was there for my son and only my son. I saw myself as his advocate, by his side in what could be his last days with us. I also learned to just present my info, pov, etc. then let it go. Don’t push for a conclusion, or even an honest response. The info’s their’s now, I said my peace, did my part, presented the info calmly, with data and carefully chosen words, links to websites, etc. then just dropped it and let the cards fall as they may. The outcome wasn’t in my hands so letting go was the only way to find peace & strength in the moment.
As it turns out I was right in the worst way possible, my son died just days later. The fight is over. His fight and my fight with the remainder of his family. The end.
May you be comforted in your time of loss. May I suggest the book Parental Loss of a Child - Therese Rando. It has helped me in coping with my adult son’s colorectal cancer illness and circumstances of his death.
Deception it's the most frequent feeling we scapegoats experience in life, our famiy trained us since early age to expect this through life, as adults we tend to attract deceitful people as a result if what we had experienced at home. Thanks God we have tool like these videos so we can change and thrive.
Tks Rebecca for another powerful video I'm so happy that you will provide training for professionals as this topic needs empowerment from the shame. It's OK to admit that my family failed me to people who are informed but when ignorant people try to fix the problem or try to uncover the reason behind story I get re- traumatised. I'm exhausted from defending myself; I used to be the fighter but the services and the professional approach here has really been a disappointment. Last week you spoke about Grief & I'm now at that stage for the life I could have had if I was supported and not let down by the state. They didn't believe me when I reported it many times for the sake of my younger siblings & then years later they turned on me because I was the only one with the evidence. A DOUBLE whammy as they call it here; I can't see many people trusting the services now after watching what I have went through & that only brings more shame & confusion.
You're welcome, Nicola. Your situation is far too common. Not sure what country you reside in but it is like this in the U.S. Short term, 'solution-focused' "evidence-based" treatment is what is most often covered by behavioral health insurance. People are put into groups and in-depth individual treatment for trauma is rare. Therapists are forced to comply if they take insurance, which limits what they can offer.
My story was similar let down by professionals & family stay strong the grief eases lots of kind people but we need to hold our heads above the shame & meet them eye to eye & a smile of freedom 🦋
Tks Rebecca & Pat for your kind reply it was very uplifting. It's helpful to know that the services here in Ireland have their own agenda which in my view is dangerous if the person does not have the skills to manage the acute stress while being back in a dysfunctional group, the procedure nearly sent me & another women over the edge. I managed to fight through the suicidal thoughts by switching my head off as negative noise & living in my soul. This takes practice but is worth the hard work & effort.
It's very helpful to know that Pat has also been through this with your family & services. I will take a leave out of your book and enjoy the freedom of being out of their illusion of life and enjoy being grounded in the roots of reality. Our truth has set us free & we can now grow & enjoy our life away from people who are scared or threatened by our authentic nature. I wish you well on your healing journey & tks again for your reply 💜.
@@nicolabyrne-yx8oh take care I hope things get better for you, it’s so sad that’s what happens looking for help. Rebecca is a great help here to so many.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 thank u ☺
FSA/FST is the best catch-all diagnosis I have been looking for to explain my life-long emotional/psychological struggle. FSA involves many components like attachment, betrayal, brainwash, projection, control. Scapegoating abusers are also found in other positions of power in addition to parenthood. I just quit my job. My boss had an episode of narcissistic rage. He insisted that I improve on a list of deficiencies, centering around client interaction. I saw through the BS right away and refused to wear the trumped-up labels. He persisted, so I resigned, but to my client first by showing him the false accusation. He saw through through the BS too and expressed his support and sympathy for the position I was put in. I am fortunate I can afford to do this now, both financially and emotionally. The knowledge I gain regarding scapegoating and narcissist really came in handy in this situation. I can hear the pathology when my ex-boss talked about his kids. He even complained to me how his 10-year-old son didn't show enough appreciation for him on his birthday! I learned to listen to my inner voice. When he insisted that we meet to go over his plan for my 'improvement', I kept hearing a voice saying "I will not be lectured by a conman." I listened and refused to engage with him. I realize not everyone can afford to do this, nor could I have been able to do it every time. But it's a victory nonetheless. I celebrated by watching one of my favorite movies: Kick Ass. I love the scene where HIT GIRL fired into the hidden camera.
Glad these terms are helpful, Anne. I'll be rolling out my term 'family scapegoating trauma' (FST) soon. I used to give conference presentations on how family systems (our family-of-origin dynamics) are replicated in the workplace - How we may find ourselves reliving our role in our family-of-origin, etc. It is an opportunity to have a 'repair' experience by protecting ourselves and our traumatized 'parts' and not repeating the past. Sounds like this may be what happened in your case, for which I congratulate you.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have played the truth teller a few times in my career, but I never consciously sought out the role. One of them was particularly traumatic that I ended up staying at the job longer than I wanted because I was afraid of the unknown. I was proven right in every one of the situations but paid a terrible personal price. I suspect it was the 'fawning' signal that gave people the idea that I was vulnerable. They were always surprised by my defiance. Still, I wish I know how not to emit the prey signal.
Rebecca, thank you. Restoration is the word that fits. Connecting with you, listening to the wisdom I hear you share with us, reading ALL the comments and your gracious replies to each of us. Gaining understanding and knowledge. The validation!!! The revelation of just exactly what it is that we are healing from. The awareness, watching, listening.
Going forth, out from under, separation, away from certain people and places. Moving "the parts" away from duplicity, destruction, being deprived, all the loss, what's been hidden and concealed.......to restore,
to health and soundness. RESTORE.
You are helping us to healing.
Thank you for the videos and the journey. We are grateful, Jane.
Hi Jane, I always get so much out of your insightful, inspirational comments. Yes, reclaim, restore, realign...ALL of it!
Thank you Rebecca.
What you share in the videos always aligns with what the good Lord is showing me through the Bible and from different authors who are further down the road than I am.
In their writings they are calling back to me to encourage me on down the road. Your videos just fit right in with it. And I thank you. Jane
Yes it really resonates with me when you talk about putting up with behaviour that other people would not tolerate. Sometimes it has taken the shock reaction of a friend for me to realize that I have been tolerating abusive treatment. Overlooking emotionally damaging outbursts from a long-term friend or completely unacceptable behaviour from a subordinate at work. It took decades for me to finally extricate myself from partnership with a cheating emotionally destructive partner. It took one last inappropriate verbal blast from a close friend to finally sever contact. I would have reconciled with that friend given the chance. It took years for me to realize that this person had done me a favor. I am finally learning to overcome my terror of being abandoned and deciding for myself what quality of relationship I will insist on. It has been very liberating. it is hard work and it is scary, but this is so much better!
I love those last few sentences - I sense so much determination, strength, and resilience! Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
OMG..this is so helpful and validating. I’ve done a lot of healing but it’s an ongoing process. Thank you so much. 🙏
You're very welcome. Here's my resource list in case you are in need of further education / support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
betrayal trauma at a all time high. God bless America
Excellent info..as a child I KNEW this was wrong. I felt it and i knew it. I used tonatare at the deadbolt lock on the door and hatteed myself for not having the nerve to turn the livknaroubd and open it and run out of there..where would I go? I had no family other than these maniacs. Of course, I wasn't allowed to have friends. Who could I go to? No one.
Thank you. And...Precisely. Which is why so many survivors of what I call family scapegoating abuse (FSA) suffer from complex trauma symptoms, which are caused by "chronic, repeated stressors FROM WHICH THERE IS NO ESCAPE...(!) True for most every child, I would think...
Not allowed to have friends either, but my 2 siblings still at home could bring home whomever or whatever they wished. "You can't hang around with them anymore." This is what my repulsive mother told me many times in my early adolescence. One of the sickest families on the planet!!!! Sick, sick, sick!!!
@norxgirl1 oh this made me cry so so bad.. I also was allowed no friends, was made to believe grandparents did not love me or want me around. My brother, 5 years older than I was off limits. The few rare times we spent even talking, she cut short.. I had no toys, though we were gifted things Christmas... couple days it all went away. I don't remember how, I just know nothing remained ever. Not even a favorite plushy, my beloved stuffed monkey ... ( I grieve him still at 49) she sent me off to daycare without him, he needed "washed"... when I returned home, he was gone forever. She trashed him on pick up day.... my soul is so broken and I know so much what you're feeling. I'm sorry you know what it feels like. ❤
This is painful but much needed! I constantly find myself saying, "Yes, yes!" To everything you are saying!
I realize this is both 'good' and 'bad'(!) Here's a list of FSA survivor resources I put together in case you need some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Wow, just came across your channel after finding out today that my family is still in touch with my abusive ex and still listening to his smear campaign against me, after insisting for years they hadn't spoken to him. I knew I was the scapegoat in the dysfunctional narcissistic system, but so many previous weird things fell into place with this new information. I'm going to be taking some time away, possibly permanently. Finding therapy for this has been difficult, between insurance, closed practices, and clinicians who push forgiveness and engage in victim blaming.
Glad you're here. You may relate to this article I wrote a few years back! www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you! Going to go read it now.
The contract is spoken!
Spoken - and hopefully, now broken...
So grateful for you.
Thanks Rebecca I finally feel supported 🦋🦋🦋
Good to hear, Pat - and you're welcome!
My mother was abused in her family of origin which I only discovered in her early stages of dementia, thankfully her sister confirmed it. They pushed down their experience with rage, humor and projection. It was helpful to learn this, however, I cannot share this safely in my family. It would be fuel for the fire of torture towards me because they can’t handle the truth. So I navigate through the murky channels of what people do to survive and how I can find the clear waters of healing to thrive.
This is so helpful, Rebecca. Thank you so much.
You're welcome!
Every time I read one of the articles you recommend, for example, DARVO…I think how did they figure this out? Someone else KNOWS about this? I want to do a victory dance, I feel validated, heard, SANE. Dr. Freyd is brilliant! And so are you! You’re the only ones that have nailed this situation so accurately. It feels too good to be true. It was a DARVO experience that made me go ‘no contact’. I was hyperventilating and overwhelmed on Christmas Eve after having my mother do this very thing to me that I could not describe. In less than six weeks we had packed up our home, bought another one and moved 1/2 way across the country to get away from my mother. Little did I know, that wasn’t even half the battle. It would be another year before I realized my older sibling was just as abusive. The younger one knew what side her bread was buttered on and shoved the knife in deeper. I spent years being a doormat in the workplace. I work from home now part time. I miss socializing, but not the bullying that inevitably takes place in work environments. I would love to be ‘normal’, but at 54, I’m not sure I could get there.
I've been in this field long enough to try to never use the word 'normal'; but we can get 'healthier'. This usually begins by more fully understanding what we are suffering from. If you haven't yet read my research-based introductory guide on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, I encourage you to do so. Specifically, one needs to understand why they may have complex trauma - this is one of the major issues that, when addressed, can get one fully on the road to health and healing.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Just got the kindle version of your book. Reading it now! Thanks 😊
Like every week, thank you, thank you, thank you! I am re-reading your book as of this morning. Your validation is invaluable.
Good to hear, Kiska. I've had people tell me they've read it 3 or 4 times and still find new things. It is brief, yet dense / multi-layered...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes! Because it's the kind of book you put down and really think with and there's only so much we can absorb at one time, especially with topics like this.
Thank you for sharing.
As always....Thanks again Rebecca...you deliver really helpful insightful & informative food for thought...and being a suscribed and feeling part of your forming evolving & expanding family of escaped goats (FoEG's! 😘) as I Iike think of us all (❤👋🐐👋❤)..is a real gift a blessing & a privilege. So Thanks again, please keep doing what your doing, your output is of worth beyond measure! Hugh Love Jane xxx
Thank you, Jane, so glad you're here!
thank you
You're welcome, Warren.
Thanks Rebecca! Another eye opener I've always thought I had to save the (FAMILY) since I've accepted some hard truths and understanding why this is so hard betrayal is awful I felt like hated step child and spent a lot of time alone and later in life I don't trust can't form healthy but hopeful I will but content with myself seeing a ton of unhealthy unhappy disconnected relationships and knowing a little more then a lot of folks cause ain't many looking at self and a society with so many character types I can see why it's so hard for us. This topic hit on multiple levels. I sure do enjoy and look forward to your weekly topics. Thank you!
You're welcome, Jim. Being content with oneself is priceless, so clearly you've already come a long way.
Thanks for the kind words your validation means more then anyone's for you to notice my growth is very impowering to say the least. Your book, platform, and tremendous knowledge only one who goes through this hell would understand We are very grateful for you. You are a special angel 😇!
I don't even talk to people about the topic and list the indicate that they're a scapegoat themselves first. Golden children think that "family is everything" and considering the double standards that they benefit by where they're put on a pedestal--I could literally see them wrinkled their nose in disgust (while trying to hide it at the same time) if I said that not everyone thinks that family life is perfect. (I truly feel sorry for anyone who had to endure these types as a sibling that I hardly knew at bars or whatever)
Matt and the crazy thing is that this is truly how hurt people hurt people and shows you how sick the family system is. Cult style.. 5 ys in putting in 3 ,4 hrs a day everyday learning and connecting but the layers Rebecca Mandeville discusses have benefited me the most i believe theres a life time of work picking up are million piece puzzle. But there is a light and Rebecca knocked this FSA crap out the park. These people are soul collectors time to take ours back!! Truth and understanding = belief and belief brings healing.. It's a marathon but there's zombies everywhere.
Something i have learnt too is that even outside our family of origin, our demeanour can attract people who have the same characteristics, also traumatised who don't want to recognise that their behaviour isn't healthy for us, but we get close to them and they too become the ones we are trying to get away from. Navigating this part is very diffigult because i still want to iold onto my forgiving nature but end up fighting with other who project their unrecognised unhealed behaviours onto me and once again their feather get attached to my tar that I'm trying to wash off. It would be nice if we could see them coming but that is expecting too much
Yes, these unconscious processes shaped by early childhood conditioning run deep, causing adult survivors to "go to what they know." As I say in the video I released today regarding healing and recovering from FSA, 'awareness is the first step', and clearly, from your comments here, you are gaining much awareness very rapidly.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you so much for this encouraging response. Although I have been badly scapegoated in the past 2 years by my family and resulted in me becoming emotionally re-traumatised, I did learn as a teenager that what was happening to me was not right and left home straight after I wrote my last exam of high school. I also was on the rollercoaster ride most of my life of going no contact and being hoovered in by my mother over the years, the recent re-traumatising was when I took my mother in at 85 years because I felt sorry for her. She died last August and I had to demand my freeloading brother to leave my house. So I recognised the signs but it was only when I managed to get my mother into a home where the owner was a qualified psychologist who identified me as the FSA. For that identification I too am grateful because it helped me to find you and your book.
The path of recovery is a 'long, strange trip', indeed.
I am the adult that has just learned about scapegoat trauma. I feel so much betrayal. My relationships brought me to a breaking into healing point, and now I understand the entire dynamic. Who I am is walking trauma and now I have to be someone else and I feel all alone. I want to start a scapegoat support group but not sure how to start.
I hope you find my videos helpful. You may also want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. My website has a link to FSA resources on the home page. I list a private Facebook group there you may want to check out. My website is scapegoatrecovery.com.
Very helpful, thanks. :)
Betrayal is a big one. I'll watch this one later cause caregiving today. But I felt that when I managed to get out of what would have been a toxic relationship in my early 20s. A bit messy and not as well but I was a lot younger and still learning about life. But that resulted in an angry letter by my mother who started off by saying I'd disgrace the family name and this poor guy just showed up at the house. I wrote back and said if I'd disagraced the family name wouldn't be the first or last to do so and to feel free to contact me if she was interested in hearing what I had to say which included breaking it off after he threatened to kill himself if I didn't want his type of relationship and telling him he needed professional help and I'd help him find a professional. A bit overwhelmed and that was all I could think to do. My mom did contact me and we talked and she apologized saying she should have heard from me about it rather than believe someone she just met. Fast forward, that man is now close with my mom and his siblings and his younger brother was sent here at 18 b/c he was getting into trouble at home, running with bad crowd and was originally staying overnight. Fastforward 35 years and he's still living here. I'm in the household helping out my mom and working with her caregivers. My siblings LOVE him and shower all this attention on him and he rewards that by getting them box seat tickets for them during sporting events, nice restaurants etc through his work. He and I used to be equally involved in decision making including a lot of the finances but within a couple years, now he's boss and I'm to do what I'm told and not sure how that happened. He's very attentive and friendly with my sisters and very callous and unfeeling and almost resentful towards me. Only talking when he needs or wants something or's just bored. I don't know if this is usual or unusual in situations like this. But it seems odd that a toxic relationship that I got out of b/c I chose myself over the relationship has turned into all this where he and his brother are probably considered more members of the family than I am in part because he makes my siblings happy and their lives easier. They throw him a birthday party every year at his favorite restaurant (and don't remember mine though I remember theirs) and I'm the only family not invited. So when I think about the betrayals, maybe I'm wrong but this feels like one on some level. None of my siblings toxic relationships (as they've defined them) are family members trusted with so much years later. I'll watch later. Still unpacking a bit from the Grief video which was excellent btw as are all your videos.
Glad you found the grief video helpful, Marzy - Do also read Dr Watson's article on grief and FSA that I linked in the pinned comment and video description, it's a good one.
Wow! That's a different sort of scenario. I was kicked out of my parents' home the second time at age 20 (first time age 15), even though I was the only one with a steady job, money in the bank, and taking night classes. Two siblings left at home were doing drugs, overdosing, being admitted to psych wards by way of ERs, yet I was the bad guy.
My father invited complete strangers to live in their basement, young, effeminate men, and otherwise. He would just walk up to them and offer them a place to stay, rent free.
I did need to go back home about 11 years later...I could barely function. Of course, I was asked to pay rent. Got run off again soon after turning 34... 0:01
Thank you so much! Glad I found you.
You're welcome, glad you're here. Here's a resource page I made for FSA adult survivors in case you are wanting some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
😮💨 on point. Again. Thank you for this video.
You bet - and thank you.
Thank you, Rebecca! Great info as always.😊
You're welcome, John.
My first experience with The Crazy, as I call it, was in 1990. The psychiatrist called it Chronic Major Depression and suggested a particular therapist and elavil..I felt liberated, to have a name for The Crazy, because if it had a name, it must have a treatment. I called my mother to tell her, and the first thing she said was "Oh I'm sure they said this is my fault, because it's always the mother's fault'. And my first responding thought (thought but not said, bc to say anything contrary to any edict by either parent was a whole different brand of The Crazy) was 'how come you don't think I can have depression without your input?' I had my own secret life of trauma that I'd covered from family because anything bad almost always started with 'why did you allow this to happen?" and then suddenly, instead of comfort, you're having to defend what had been done to you. Of course, now that I am an old woman, I'd be glad to tell my parents they fucked me up with their outmoded, blame based, view of the world. The phrase "Betrayal Trauma" has the same resonance for me as my initial diagnosis of depression. Thank you.
" I had my own secret life of trauma that I'd covered from family because anything bad almost always started with 'why did you allow this to happen?" and then suddenly, instead of comfort, you're having to defend what had been done to you. " - POWERFUL. Worthy of an entire video. Thank you, Sarah. Glad you're here.
If funny once you know about scapegoating you can easily see it in of dysfunctional homes. I just got fired, I was hired to care for an elderly woman but the first day I started working there I saw how dysfunctional they were. One child lived with the woman I cared for and I was told horrible things about him and be careful. I gave the kid a chance and spoke to him and he was very pleasant to talk to. I refused to call the narc stepdad when he entered the house or join in on beating this kid down. He liked to talk to me and they had cameras there watching us. Since I refused to join them they wanted me gone. I was an excellent worker but they still gave me a hard time. Yesterday they let me go.
You were let go for all of the right reasons. BTW, we know in the Family Systems field that 'outsiders' can see dysfunctional dynamics far more easily than the family itself can. Good for you for not allowing yourself to be drawn in.
Thank you so much for these videos Rebecca. I’ve been watching RUclips videos about narcissistic abuse for years (maybe 6-7 years now) and your channel offers the best, most direct help for those of us who are going through FSA. You give the information but also constantly teach us not only about your research but your colleagues as well and I appreciate that so much. I have learned so much in just these last few days I’ve watched your videos (nonstop if I may add).
I also want to say I’m so thankful for your kindness in the way you present the information. When you say the phrases we should have heard when we were children i really feel the love you have for your work, the passion to help us, and warmth you have for all of us survivors. It’s something I rarely experience watching other videos. You REALLY care about us and it really comes across. Thank you so much ❤
Your message touches me deeply, and I am grateful for all you express. I love my work and am eager to get back to making videos and working with clients - once I am medically cleared. In the meantime, I am happy to be able to connect with you all here. Thank you for taking the time to leave this comment. Please do read my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) if you haven't yet. It will help orient you further to my work on this form of abuse that I named FSA.
I was raised in a narcissistic family system dysfunctional family system I have chronic and severe complex trauma and I’m the scapegoat in my family lost my mom 3 years ago and my grandpa 6 months ago and my mom and divorced when I was 13 years old I’m 34 now my dad cheated on my mom then my mom remarried too my stepdad they was married for 10 years then he cheated on my mom and then like 4-5 years later my mom died of stomach cancer but back too the real problems I’ve tried too confront my family about my problems and wish my family would change they just gaslight me and they are really religious abuse too and emotional neglectful and I’ve had porn addiction since I was a kid and battle alcoholic addiction and had too go too rehab I really don’t have the support I battle mental health issues and severe social anxiety and depression severe they scapegoat me bad say I’m crazy it’s all in your head and I get blamed for everything is my fault
Your work in this area is refreshingly impressive. I've been the IP since 1973 and in my humble opinion, narrowing this dynamic down to the FSA level is really at the core of the entire dysfunctional/narcissistic structure, which is the need to assign blame. My siblings are quite malicious in their slander techniques using the victim spin scenario you discuss. I had a flight response and, while estranged, my mother switched our traits, presenting my loser siblings as successful and I was presented as "on drugs" among other derogatory things. Since my mom is a PhD in accounting, I submitted my docs to her for review before filing my taxes. I only did so in order for her to see on government SSA paperwork that my work history is worth 2 to 3 times more than those of my 5 decade protected slanderers. (She never got back to me, lol)
My older sister, an IRS agent, with many accounting courses under her belt (BS and Masters in other curricula), but could never pass the CPA exam, just passed....last sibling to pass.....she let the "family home" fall into major disrepair, while living there under a Living Trust situation....that she engineered, died owing over $25,000+ in credit card debt, just like my mother before her 24 years ago, but put in the "Letter of Wishes" addendum, supposedly written by my mother, that the 2700 square foot home in an upscale neighborhood, was to be kept up by those continuing to live there.smh!!! They haven't had a working water heater for quite some time, gutters off in the back, wood rot, couldn't afford to pay anybody $400 to cut up a felled tree in the front yard of their hoity toity zip code neighborhood. And the lies she wrote about me in documents, both legal and questionably legal, over 24 - 30 years ago, kept from me and now being flushed out of the woodwork.....just never ends.... she tried to take credit for so many things, lied about my achievements and independence in the documents...just never ends....persecuted from the grave...0:01
Wish I’d been part of the research. This is the best I’ve heard explaining the effects of Narcissistic abuse and how it damages the scapegoat.
Thank you. I just released the first of three new surveys - Look at the menu in my website, you'll see it. It end 8/15. scapegoatrecovery.com.
Grateful for your work
Much appreciated
This is the best explanation ever. As an adult the family yries to "help" in ways you don't want to be helped aka set you up. The were afraid " something bad would happen". I told them if anything happens, they are the first one i eanted investigatef by the law. Im sorry my peace pleasing eas mistaken gor ineptitude and low IQ. I promised to show you nothing but contemp from now on.
Some family systems are so narcissistic and sadistic....that, well, things happen that are beyond the frame-of-reference of the even somewhat dysfunctional family.....and I know....as it has almost cost me my life several times before learning that my perception of myself was fed to me so that someone else could feel better about themselves. Two narc parents wrote the script and forced me into a deadly play.....but I see it all now and am letting them own themselves....even if they don't want to....too bad.
Agreed. With awareness, choices become evident and the 'play' can be seen for what it is.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for your research and work.
Yes, deadly....set up to attempt suicide as a very young teen, by a mother who showed me how it was done, then both turned and looked the other way when I fought the demon of suicide.....on my own....for about 18 months. Utter, total and complete murderous sociopathy, like their father, the devil...
Learned a lot while viewing this. Seems most of the Intergenerational wounding is coming through my father - historically oppressed peoples (Scotch/Irish/Welsh, by the English), an adopted paternal grandfather (born late 1880s?) - unknown parentage/heritage. My father was one of 9 children. He got badly burned on his leg as a very young boy while playing with matches, stayed in the bed for several weeks while healing. Had a large scar all his life. (I had a nightmare at age 15 that i could feel the heat of a fire on my skin so badly that it hurt. Family psychiatrist thought I, and two of my 3 siblings, had "been burnt.")
The narcissistic abuse aspect came through my mother. She was an unrecovered ACOA of an alcoholic parent, also born in the late 1870s.
So, both kinds of Dysfunctional Family systems. Found and released some stuff on The Emotion Code today related to Betrayal Trauma, Attachment Trauma, Complex Trauma, etc. Thank you. You are helping me ask where I specifically need to look for healing/release. 0:01
You have a great amount of insight, sounds like. I'm right now working on defining the term 'scapegoat trauma', supported by my FSA research. You might be interested in a colleague of mine's work, Daniel Foor. He and those he has trained give workshops around the world. I know him from the grad school I taught at. He is a PhD but also an LMFT so he gets the family piece. His specialty is Ancestral family (and personal) healing. Link to his book here: www.amazon.com/Ancestral-Medicine-Rituals-Personal-Healing-ebook/dp/B01MFFK2OM/ You might also check out his website.
Some survivors of narcissistic abuse in their family of origin with more than one family member who has learned to rely on secrecy about what they are having to go through or what they have gone through sometimes experience worse abuse than other family members have. My guess is that almost every family has at least one person in their extended family who could be called narcissistic. Once they experience hurt when not being believed by one of their siblings sometimes they then do not trust anyone else in their family too. If their siblings or other relatives have a change of heart that can lead to those siblings and older relatives experiencing such severe survival guilt they end up trying to overcompensate so much they then end up being invalids further burdening the one who has gone through worse first or they end up dying around 10 years sooner. The guilt and shame in a family headed by a narcissist often seems to be going around in circles unless the people in that family get educated about how narcissistic abuse and violence affects us human beings and about what to do about it. The good news is people like me who have been diagnosed with trauma can heal with or without the support of some of their other biological family members. Further after being diagnosed with complex trauma they can heal without being on medication for the rest of their lives. I owe my life to holocaust survivor care giver professionals could understand what I was going through during my healing journey who had to heal from trauma before me who never gave me a permanent negative diagnosis while for example not judging me only for having a grandfather who was born in Germany and then moved here and then married my grandmother after the Great Depression had already started not long before the second world war broke out too. Both sets of grandparents in my family were victims of systemic racism too. Not bad as what most black families had to go through and what they continue having to go through however it helped us all understand better what they went through too.
Thank you, Frances, for this very insightful and poignant comment. Many nuggets of truth here; I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with us regarding your experience (and understanding) of family scapegoating.
Once again, thank you for these videos! I have been "no contact" with my scapegoating mother for 3+ years. The smear campaigns have persisted. My mother is an expert at being a victim - in all areas of her life. She presents herself to the world as an extremely fragile and wounded person, and, while this may in fact be true, many of her problems are of her own making. However, she skillfully scrapes off any responsibility she might have onto others - often that "other" is me. She even had the nerve to blame the failure of her 4th marriage on her middle-aged children. She's now on marriage #5. My family is very fractured, as you might imagine. Because I'm often the target of her fault-finding, I have been assigned a reputation as one of her primary aggressors (and I have been since a very early age). And, while I have a cordial relationship with my siblings and extended family - they are not close relationships (I really haven't seen any of them in years. This has become even more pronounced since I fled the relationship with my mother. How am I supposed to respond to questions and criticisms from people when they question how I could wound my mother so greatly by cutting her out of my life? How do you tell the world that you have been emotionally abused and neglected by a mother that everyone sees as a timid and wounded bunny rabbit? How do I explain to people that I'm simply protecting myself - when, in there eyes, I've always been the problem?
Your comment / family experience brings to mind this video I did on covert narcissism. Your questions are good ones. The fact is, few people understand this form of abuse, which is one of the reasons I have researched on it for decades and gave it a name (family scapegoating abuse/FSA). With increased understanding within the general public, survivors may not be in the current position they are in: Unsupported with their pain and suffering invalidated except within survivor communities like this one. You might benefit from reading my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Link to video here: ruclips.net/video/jaFO4ABapi0/видео.html
Thank you! I will watch this video next. I was in the midst of buying your book as you responded. Your videos are so helpful!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
I have stumbled upon covert narcissism in my search for answers. I really struggled to see my mother in the description - finding lots of her behaviors in BPD discussions. However, that didn't fit perfectly either. The more I read about covert narcissism, the more I see the behaviors. My mother is sooo sooo wounded and fragile in her presentation that it's been a struggle to "label" what is wrong (for the sake of understanding). Thank you!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Labels are limiting, but by understanding a particular constellation of behaviors and what might be driving them we can better understand the dynamics that may be at play in our family that have impacted us, which can help make sense of what happened in our Family System and aid in one's healing and recovery. These things are rarely clear or black/white, of course (despite the fact many will say it is to simplify things and/or please their fans or followers). The fact is, humans are complex creatures and wounded / dysfunctional / traumatized humans and the systems they unconsciously co-create, even more so.
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
❤️thank you
You’re welcome 😊
The price you pay is that no matter what , you cannot fight the false narrative. The family will not let the truth get in the way of a good story. Eventually you go completely no contact. The rest of the family will gang up on you. They think you did or said things you didn't say or do. You realize after a lifetime of pain, to never trust or believe any thing they say or do. I don't understand their need to keep trying to drag you back. They have no self respect at this late stage in life.
Scapegoating dynamics are irrational.
I was black sheep of family. I currently do not speak to them at all. I cant deal last i know is that my mother has bladder cancer. I refuse to be blamed for everything thing that is wrong. I have no feelings towards them any longer. When ypu are told your whole life your a failure then you are. Period. You try to unhear words. You cant !!
I made a couple of FSA Recovery Affirmation videos and they are free here on my channel. You might try saying these Affirmations out loud daily. It may help the other, damaging words from your past scapegoating become more faint as new neural pathways develop (I discuss this more in my clinical series here on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' or FSA).
@Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT - Scapegoat Recovery
Thank you i will look into them. Some of these have been pounded in my head for 55yrs so may be difficult to unlearn them. Very interested in them
Thank you! :-)
Your channel has been enlightening. I have had to once again remove myself from having a relationship with my siblings. I know I'm not the person they think I am. I have had several achievements in my life. And they'll never see me for who I am.
I addressed this in my first 'Bizarre realities' video, in case you didn't see it: ruclips.net/video/J7oHsRjBHRE/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much
I wish here in Germany there were therapists like you.
I do have a community over at Substack - it's on my FSA survivor resource page here: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
The garbage and betrayal doesn't stop when your an adult. Narcissist have tp be made to stop.
My "mother" was a SPOILED BRAT...her only trauma was when she had to have begun to grasp the world did not find her as glorious as her parents treated her..
To add to it she was always jealous of her oldest sister...
I think that was a MAJOR part of why I was chosen ...
I was the oldest of 3 girls..
and my father was CRAZY about me..I looked like a little walking doll..
But I did not want to be dressed up like her little doll.
She YANKED my hair when she was fixing it if I flinched she would hit me in the head with the heavy brush..
Finally when I was 3..one of my brothers asked me if I wanted him to cut my hair off..so she couldn't do that...
He cut it with huge shears..lol
My "mother" had taken my oldest brother to kindergarten and was gone 20 minutes..
When she saw me she went insane...
She called my father and demanded he come home..
He kept asking her if I were alright..
He finally came home and checked me to see if my brother had cut me.
He yelled at her..."You should be glad he didn't like her eye out...
He said he would take me to his barber when he got home from work in the afternoon..
All day she was in her room with the door closed hysterical..
My father's barber got out a magazine and looked at how to cut "a pixie"...he did a great job..
But she couldn't look at me without contempt from that day forward.
That look of contempt is one a child never forgets. Painful example of why this form of abuse must be recognized and taken seriously by society and within the Mental Health profession.
My father began sodomizing me at 8 months old. At 2 years he beat me until I was comatose with a flail chest, pelvic fractures, femur fractures and a skull fracture. It probably does begin very early because the perpetrator is an very sick child in an adult body.
At 76 it is a very long story but I promise one can grow and recover and become an adult that does not view life thru the eyes of a wounded and broken child.
That is a powerful testimony that may provide hope to someone reading. Thank you for sharing so honestly. Glad you made it through - in tact.
It does spark hope. Thank you so much for sharing.
The terrible thing is that if I am working hard to be and feel better, and I am not feeling shame so much, I end up manufacturing or making decisions that put me in a predicament to feel shame once again, perhaps because it has been my "normal" for so long, I feel less grounded or disassociate because it feels horrendous but familiar
This can sometimes be repetition compulsion. Also, research indicates that the brain can get addicted to experiencing chemicals associated with certain emotional states - including negative ones. I'll see if I can get a video out on this down the road - many adult survivors experience this.
Finding good support has been hard. I've experienced betrayal from counselors several times. Where do I go? My area is lacking in trauma informed counsel. Any help with finding good trauma informed counselors is appreciated.
It's very hard to find good help - I've tried about a dozen therapists throughout my life. Truthfully, exercise and mindfulness meditation have been the most helpful - and now this channel beats all of it in terms of feeling heard and seen.
Hi Jennifer, I list some therapy modalities that can be effective for FSA recovery in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. In general, to understand what I call 'FSA', they will need to be trained in Family Systems theory and understand the reality of the scapegoat / identified patient role and also be able to do 'parts' work. Janina Fisher now has a therapist search function on her website for those trained in her Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment (TIST) model. I know people who also find doing 'parts' work with an Internal Family Systems trained therapist (IFS) helpful. Many work online now since Covid.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for this information. It’s so appreciated.
I am going from scapegoat to escaped-GOAT (Greatest Of All Time)! It’s all thanks to teachers and healers like you!!!!
🐐 you are also GOAT
Thank you!
We just want to be loved.
What I realize I’m in danger in every way stuff I’m facing living and I am overwhelmed and put in this and rejected abused trauma by my own kids the betrayal of it all my mother dove doing did I’m not good I’m in fear I can’t escape I in danger real danger I fear so that I cannot ever never mind never mind
My dad’s 2nd & 3rd wives have scapegoated & smeared me within family. Half sister is now taking part. It seems that it could be jealousy.
I had a argument recently with a family member I use to have connection with and I noticed shortly after it how I felt I was disassociating in & out in the argument I'd disconnect to how I felt zooming out when they'd fire back at me as it was too painful I suppose to deal with that & zoom in being present when I'd have to speak to them and make my case.
I thought I'd handled it really well this time hardly shaking at all, I didn't let the person deflect I held the convo on severe laser point hardly taking any bait if i did take a side bait I'd do it for like 3 steps then realize whatever I said wasn't going to matter to this person as they just wanted to divert from the core subject so I'd abandon the side quest to return to core quest & be like nope not today you don't get to deflect off this topic! And boom back on! And after having the argument I didn't break down and cry afterwards either I thought it went well yet like I said I recalled zooming in & out the whole time which was something I couldn't understand why so it seems it maybe disassociation I was sensing & experiencing based on this vid.
Also in general if you think or know you have PTSD you may want to get checked for CPTSD too as I went years thinking I had PTSD it took years to learn there was C-PTSD version so if you think you have the 1 you may have the complex one instead.
Thanks for sharing your experiences with us regarding C-PTSD and dissociation. I have two chapters in my book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and also focus on C-PTSD in my clinical playlist here, if you want to take a look: ruclips.net/p/PLXSLEoZOeKOEoeIx75TNU59TjSc2YHo7W
I'm an artist and did an interview about an album but i also talked about the impetus of the art which was C-PTSD and the abuse i suffered by everyone in my family when I was a kid . The interview got hundreds of thousands of views and people believed me. It was my family's worst nightmare. It was glorious lol
I can (not) only imagine... (!)
The best part was being believed.@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Refreshing, isn't it?
I just don't see why this hasn't been talked about more. I hope it isn't because therapists didn't want to deal with it. They are supposed to look for the truth, not turn away because of their own issues.
Family is such a sacred cow in most all cultures; that's one reason, among many. Also, not all clinical licenses require in-depth family systems training. As a licensed Marriage Family Therapist, I had to do such in-depth training and later taught Family Systems at a grad school. And then actually sat in rooms working with families for many years - which seems a rather rare thing these days.
I am the fighter one, even though, I’ve been so frozen as well! I feel betrayed. That is true. I feel deep deep dissapointment! It started when I was born and has continued since now. But: now I got information! 58 years of hell start to fade and I see some light! Knowledge and the truth releases the pain! I mught even forgive myself sone of my words and actions that I could better have not done. I’ve been desperate, felt like living in the gage! I start to see the open door.
So many scapegoated children / adult children are living in a flight/fight (fear-based) survival state. I'm glad to hear you are developing compassion for yourself and past behaviors as you come to better understand this form of systemic (family) abuse.
🥰
Hi, Can these types of betrayals cause anger
HI Rhonda, I discuss this exact thing in the video I released this past Saturday on the Cry for Help trauma response. And the answer is yes - I call it 'righteous rage' - which I also discuss in a video on injustices and righteous rage (check my playlist at the top of my videos on the home page).
Do you have yourself or do you know of any material that has looked at the intersection between familial trafficking, family scapegoating abuse, and betrayal trauma? Specifically with family scapegoating abuse being used as a weapon in either facilitating trafficking (by dismissing the victims cries for help as them being crazy and always a problem just seeking attention) or defending inaction to stop trafficking (ie they asked for it or brought it on themselves, no one help them)?
No, I don't. I've been researching on this form of abuse for over 10 years and it has never come up during surveys, etc, but of course, that doesn't mean it could not happen.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethanks, I was hoping there might already be data on it. It seems like FSA could contribute to creating vulnerability to and certainly victim blaming for it, but if the data isn't there then it isn't here. I appreciate your response!