Dirty Secrets: The Hidden Truth of Family Mobbing and Scapegoat Abuse
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- Опубликовано: 17 июл 2024
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Family Mobbing is a poorly understood, little-recognized systemic phenomenon associated with Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) and can have devastating effects on the child victim / adult target. In this video, Family Systems and FSA expert Rebecca C. Mandeville (author of the best-selling introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') describes Family Mobbing dynamics and shares examples of how it can manifest in dysfunctional or narcissistic families, both overtly and covertly. She also addresses the oft-asked question from FSA adult survivors, "Does my family hate me?" in a manner that acknowledges the complexity and insidious systemic nature of FSA. Scroll down for Video Chapters.
✅ You can purchase my best-selling book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', on Amazon: amzn.to/3sEaqcx. Or buy from your favorite online book retailer via this secure Universal Buy Link (UBL): books2read.com/intro2fsa.
💡Learn more about my work on FSA, my book, and my FSA recovery coaching services, visit scapegoatrecovery.com.
Video Chapters
00:00 - Intro
01:35 - The Origin of the Term 'Family Mobbing'
03:10 - Example of Overt Family Mobbing
06:15 - Example of Covert Family Mobbing
08:10 - Why FSA / Family Mobbing Needs Social Recognition
09:20 - Family Mobbing as Systemic Aggression
13:45 - The Dangers of Family Therapy for FSA Adult Survivors
15:50 - Coping Strategies for Family Mobbing (Contact Issues)
16:30 - "Does My Family Hate Me?" Facing Complex Realities
💡DISCLAIMER ONE: This channel's focus is on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) and is GENERAL and INFORMATIONAL in its scope. It is NOT a substitute for clinical assessment or treatment. It is suitable for both Adult Survivors and Clinicians. I am unable to advise you on your specific family situation nor can I 'diagnose' viewers or their family members. READ FULL DISCLAIMER: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/you...
💡DISCLAIMER TWO: Some of these links go to website and some are affiliate links where I'll earn a small commission if you make a purchase at no additional cost to you.
🔥 COPYRIGHT NOTICE: My videos focus exclusively on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my academic and clinical research. THESE VIDEOS ARE COPYRIGHTED AND CANNOT BE SAMPLED AND USED FOR OTHER PURPOSES.
🔴 NEED HELP NOW? Being scapegoating can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencounseling.com/suici... For more resources, go here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/upd...
Copyright 2024 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
THANKS to the powerful work of DR. MANDEVILLE, and beautiful souls like her, for helping so many in recovery like us.
We black sheep, scapegoats are super nova souls who are the system breakers for future lineages.
Indigenous Peoples of the "America's, and I feel worldwide, say not only did we strive to be here now, we were chosen because we are the strongest of the strong and we are powerful beyond measure.......
Thank You, Dr. Rebecca C. Mandeville! YOU are Golden.
Folks like us are self aware and continually learning about our multidimensional selves daily manifesting spiritual~joy, emotional~happiness, mental~confidence & physical ~peace. The Navajo call that to "Walk in Beauty"
I purchased it on Amazon while listening to you. I have always referred to myself as the family scapegoat or black sheep. I had no idea this happened to many others in similar ways. I didn't realize how bizarre my relationship with my mom was until one day, a couple of coworkers were talking about having their first baby. They both said they only wanted their mother's to be in the delivery room. I was shocked because my mother was the last person I wanted near me when I delivered my stillborn daughter. Both coworkers told me that every woman wants their mom in the delivery room. I was astonished. I made sure my mother was nowhere near me. That is when I realized how damaged my relationship was with my mother.
I did buy your book on Amazon and you are spot on. Thank you for writing it as it's healing.
You just keep charging all this money, instead of telling everyone they probably have rh negative blood? It's call Organized Gang Stalking, and we are called "Targeted Individuals" by intelligence Agencies. Or are you turning over analysis information, so they learn how to better attack us? The doctors are selling our blood behind our backs. Our medical records were in Building 7 on 9/11. Are you this ignorant, that you didn't see the rh negative pattern in our tendencies/personalities and physical features like our eyes. Or are you COMPLICIT?
ICU! ~omega
My son ended his life. Not only was his family mobbing him, the justice system, mental health unit, child protection agency, family court, all aligned with his father against my son and myself. I am still just breathing. I love my dear son
I’m so profoundly sorry to hear about your son. Unless you’ve experienced this horrible abuse for yourself, I just don’t think people would have a true understanding. I see you, hear you, and believe you. Sending prayers for healing and peace to you, Friend. This community is a safe space. ❤️🙏
I'm deeply sorry to hear of your profound loss. More resources are available via my website menu at scapegoatrecovery.com. Glad you're here.
I am so sorry! My brother completed in 1989....it still hurts....
Thankyou. My son was exhausted and I am still exhausted@@MBroome1028
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseThankyou. I referenced your book to the coroner.
Being scapegoated by the psychopaths, malignant narcissists and enablers can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. It can lead to the complete and final break from the toxic cluster.
Yes, this is why, in my professional and personal opinion, I'd rather be in the 'scapegoat' role versus the 'golden child' role - The pain of being the FSA target can eventually lead to awareness, action, and healing from individual and intergenerational familial trauma.
Or as a child it can destroy you.
Has taken 6 decades.....to get to this point....all the while God was gently leading and guiding in the background...
I've outlived them all.....I know I'm a sinner.....totally dependent on my Creator/Creatrix......
No illusions about the desperate condition of the human race....none of them ever came to this awareness - they hid behind their socioeconomic status, their trips to Europe and the Caribbean, their advanced degrees from prestigious colleges and universities, their travel benefits, their fur coats and brand new sedans, and Ethan Allen furniture, their zip code....they assumed they were unimpeachable.....
I wouldn't call it the "best" thing. The best thing would be to be loved.
@@Joelswinger34 I would call the best thing being transcending the need for being loved ... but I know what you mean and don't disagree with valuing a healthy family. I know little about what that would've been like as a child, though, except for creating a new childhood with a happier inner child.
They're all in cahoots with each other. There's no choice but to leave.
I am just coming to terms with this very outcome. I am still piecing it all together, but that is my conclusion, too. It was planned, deliberate, malicious, & insane. From the Lovebombing, gaslighting, devalue-causing the chase for decades to the reverse discard where I exited the NPD cycle of abuse to be the cycle breaker was a horrendous experience.
Yes, you're right they are in cahoots with each other. It even goes into other outside family members who are told terrible lies or bent truth. I'm 76, two of the narcissist family members died 12 years ago. I was in my mid 60's when the abuse ended. I wrote a letter to my narcissistic brother and told him to stay off my property. He finally left me alone after I called the cops on him twice. Thank God I have a wonderful husband.
Let it go . " I have come, that they may have life to the full ."
-John 10:10.
There are millions of us in that boat with you. You are not alone in this. Seek father God , ask His help in forgiving and moving on. May He be your Rock, your Fortress, your alpha and omega. Amen
It’s their natural reaction & they think it’s ok.
Exactly! And they will pass it on to your children , and it continues
I am so thankful to you. To hear a trained expert articulate what I've LIVED for decades is affirming to say the least. Scapegoats are so isolated in the truth, surrounded by family telling them black is white, up is down. I'm sure I'm not the only scapegoat to say to themselves "but how can I be right and ALL of them are wrong? It must be ME". I'm 58 now and am no contact with "those people", I have a great therapist, wonderful husband and friends. I pray your channel will help younger people see the truth much sooner than I did.
I'm 52 and the abuse has worsened but I'm broke and had nowhere to go but back under my mother's roof. OMG. Biggest mistake of my life. Getting out has proven to be much harder on so many levels yet I pray to be in your position one day....away from the entire family. No contact. I think that's the only way to go. Praying for a miracle. But very happy that you got out! And wow, you have supportive people around you too! Good for you! xo
I absolutely agree! Rebecca’s research and understanding of this type of abuse has helped me so much! Hopefully, those who are younger will learn about this earlier in their journey and not have a lifetime of trauma like we have! I’m 61 and just learned about this term 2 years ago. I’m forever grateful to this community and for Rebecca! ❤
I hope for the same thing. Our generation just had to slog through it all, until recently. Glad you're here.
@MBroome1028 Thank you, our understanding came late; much damage was done; yet it is not too late for us 'older' FSA adult survivors to have our day in the sun, warmed by the light of awareness and understanding of what happened to us in our families.
Me too
I do not plan to go to any more funerals. I get treated like I am dangerous and a bad person. They act like I did something wrong.
You may want to watch my video here: ruclips.net/video/mKxelQqKQN4/видео.html
I can relate!
I can relate. At the last funerals I attended I was left out of much of the conversations taking place, and when I was "included" I was called a problem kid. I felt guilty, but I actually stayed in the hotel when the family held an after-funeral get-together to regain some peace of mind.
@@kristiemao4275 It must have been an overcome, must have taken great courage for you to participate. In his last will, my father wanted his ashes scattered over the sea. My older sister, who has taken over, only recently, after several months, informed me about where and when the ceremony will take place...After much thought, I have chosen to participate in the scattering of his ashes, but have chosen not to participate in the subsequent lunch, - no longer feel that I am part of the family, the whole thing will be an unpleasant spectacle for me, will only increase my feeling of being excluded and wrong.
I stopped going to funerals when the mortuary owners even looked at me sideways. My Mother and sister always spread rumors before I was involved in any public setting, setting tge stage for any relationship failure, even with family.
I’m 70 in July. I had to walk away 2 years ago. Healthiest thing I ever did. No way will I go to my mom’s funeral, my siblings are horrible cruel people.
I made the decision not to go to any funerals on my mother's side recently. My mum is 80 and her siblings ate older, so it's coming.... this dilemma. This awkwardness. But after a lifetime of extending warm, consideration, friendliness et cetera to all my mums siblings, and they have cut me off because my mum is apparently the VICTIM of me. I will shock the cousins when I don't show up to their parents' funerals. Why would I? how easily and quickly they raced to cut me off.
My mom also has spread lies about me to all of my extended family and even my own children. She doesn’t pass on important information that I should know and even excluded me in this last year from my favorite aunts funeral. She knew that I thought highly of this aunt. She was kind and caring. that’s what drove my narcissistic mother crazy that I cared about her. This was her way of hurting me and it was successful. She loves to talk about how close she is with my one cousin and that this cousin comes to visit her. This cousin has no idea of what she truly is of course. The motive is to hurt me. She’s 91.
Ditto and ditto
After debating endlessly with myself, I went to my 91-year-old narcissistic mother's funeral last Monday. She was the ring leader of the family and a malignant narcissist. I was the scapegoated daughter of three daughters growing up. It has continued over the years even though I am a respected professional and have friends all over the world since I spent 8 years abroad working. I guess I thought I might have regrets if I didn't attend, plus I figured it was my official (to me only) GOODBYE to all of them. I didn't shed a tear. (She had also slowly turned my own daughters against me over the years. I was a single mom and they spent time with her off and on because I was always strapped for cash for daycare/babysitters.)
I brought my best friend on the advice of my therapist. Thank God she was there too. No one spoke to me or her so after the funeral we left. There was 'family' dinner afterwards but there was no way I was going to be around toxic people who were also drunk...been there, done that. I'm totally done with the whole dysfunctional bunch now. I really appreciate this FSA community!!
Thank-you for sharing. God bless
My narcissistic mother would hug my brother and sister and compliment them and then glance over to see my reaction as she said nothing to me. I have felt so unloved my whole life.
Bless you. x
My MIL too. After a long drive to see her, she would hug my husband and leave me standing at the door. On my birthday, I get belated wishes unlike everyone else. Take care.
My step mom did this to me
You must be a lovely person because narcissists hate people who really are what the narcissist pretends to be.💖
You are stronger for having gone through that. ❤❤ I blame your siblings more than your sick mom. Stay away from all of them.
When my siblings ostracized me after I divorced the covert narcissist, I realized they were flying monkeys to the narcissist mom.
I’ve stepped away & am healing from a lifetime as the scapegoat.
Yep. My Mother and exhusband had formed an unhealthy, stealthy bond. My Mother offered to pay the mortgage if I just stayed with the alcoholic/cheater/victim narc/sociopath. Thx Mom. Btw, I walked, and was exhiled from every family member, even my own children.
You are not alone in this
Not only do the toxic family members never change, they just get worse with age. The sooner the scapegoat leaves the better!
Thank you
Ive been mobbed. Even the cousins and aunts got the memo. And they all blame me 😮😑
That's how it works. Sorry this happened to you.
Yeap that memo goes out alot.
I understand.
yep! flying monkeys! even extended family is NOT safe. it's very painful.
It's how it is in some families. A lot of us have been there. It's a really sick setup. I hope you get free and see it for what it is.
I can totally relate. ❤️
I've always found emotionally charged family events something to avoid . It seldom goes well and attending won't improve your standing in the family one way or another . Remember these people are ALWAYS looking for a garbage can to deposit their rage/anger/guilt on someone else . The 'family' has been trained to use you as the garbage can .
Does anyone else have siblings who received college money, down payment for a house, money, and gifts, and you never received these things? Huge amount of money given to a sister for her wedding and you nothing? This happened to me.
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes!
I listened to you 2 years ago and l left all of them. Now l live with my son and it is easier and healthier to live without family members and relatives. Thanks a lot, ma.
I didn't realize how bad this mobbing thing is until last Christmas when my sister and her teenage kids all got in on it while my narc mom and enabling father watched on and laughed at all the humiliating jokes about me and my life. All they ever share are my failures and stupid things I have ever done (as a child) with stories that they all continuously share now carelessly. Thank-you for your work as it is PRICELESS! Much love and blessings
You're very welcome. Glad you're here.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse me too! 💓
I'm okay with my family hating me, because I hate them. So, we're even.
It seems so bizarre to say I hate my mother, but ...I hate my mother.
@@dgvfsa66same! Not alone!
Not really,because they started it.
the day you can become indifferent is a good day, they don't live inside your head then
@@naemasufi Agree, You're still losing (still feeding) if you "hate"..
This just happened to me & continues to happen to me. I’m the black sheep, the scapegoat and I’m done trying to be a square peg in a round hole. Nothing will change with these people. #toxic
Accept the way things are and protect your self.
When my mother would flip out and hit/attack me, my older half brothers would hold me down and let her. And it prevented me from fighting back. Sick family dynamic.
Getting away from them is the best thing I ever did, even if they initiated it. Pura vida from Costa Rica. 🌺
¿Vives en una zona azúl? La pura vida ♥️ 🍀
Ah yes, straddling me with their legs, pinning down my arms, and thumping my chest. I remember it well.
Abrazos desde España ❤
In todays world they would all be arrested. I am horrified this was done to you. Shame on them…
All the best to you friend. Onwards and upwards.
I’ve actually seen people scapegoat their pets. Poor things
I've seen that as well.
thankfully animal abuse and neglect are illegal. Judges typically are happy to give harsh penalties
My ex put down my beloved dog Peanut in 2011 though the dog was very very healthy and only 13 .. he was extremely fit and would have lived probably another 5 years .. my parents had a poodle the lived to 21. I worked and had live out of town most of the time the and the day after I went to work up north, she went a text that he was gone .. I had been there for 8 days straight previously due to an ice storm .. I believe she thought by putting him down she’d get more attention from me or she was jealous of my and Peanuts mutual affection .. he slept right next to me under the covers with his back to mine and he was a hairless Chinese crested .. it was my ex’s idea to even have the dogs (we had 3 at one time ) to sleep in the bed .. no matter what Peanut always slept next to me when I was home .. she killed him
@@johncorson6599why did you leave the pet with her in the first place?
@@karmadog4565 I worked out of town, left the day before and was in an important meeting when I got the text from her
❤ More please. No one talks about this. My grandmother and grandfather lived with us. They loved me. I worshiped them. My grandmother had a big wingback chair in the corner of their bedroom. She sat there everyday all day, knitting, drawing, watching TV, eating while grandpa would read the paper and watch tv with her. When I was not in school, I would crawl behind that chair and play because there was just enough room. All day. I used to hide under tables, in closets and the bathroom. My aunt made fun of me. My grandmother protected me.
i think I was Four years old when I figured out that my family was not a loving ,protective bunch of people .They were a big bunch of MEANASSES. I am an old lady of seventy two and they just kept getting worse. They did try to cause me serious harm. No contact would have been a smart move on my part a long time ago ..There are far worse things then being alone .
I feel sorry for my family members who say they love me but also can say horrible abusive things to me sometimes in the same text. They don't know how to love. There are conditions on it. Those conditions are their way of telling me to stay in my toxic role. I'm breaking free of that. Partially because of you. Thank you all the time❤️
Of course they're telling you to stay in your family role. Who else would they have to vomit their venom on?
The key words here are "They don't know how to love". They will NEVER change. They will NEVER love you.
@@dgvfsa66 The part I struggle with is that I love them from the bottom of my heart always. I can't switch it off like a lamp. My problem is that I love unconditionally.
You can love them from the distance @@Starprome
I've been able to reconcile my feelings over them too. It's mental illness. Only mentally ill people would do this. I can't be angry at someone for the medical condition. I just stay away from them.
At 5:19 in....
My 😮entire family BLAMED ME for our Mother's death. It fits the "if I told you, you'd never believe me"... . However, YOU would. It destroyed me at the time. They knew it would, so CRUEL. I'm the oldest & only girl with 3 younger Brothers. I was the sole caregiver for her. I BEGGED for their help from them...... they couldn't be bothered, then blamed me for the obvious reasons you outlined. NAILED IT, THANK YOU❤ YOU ARE A GIFT ! ❤ I'm 72 & because of you, I fully understand it ALL, now. The suffering is REAL.
I was caretaker for my dad and then mom.
❤
It was horrible. For years attacks from sibs for nothing and everything. Mom would never help. Then I saw it in my mom’s eye when my brother was viciously attacking me about absolutely nothing. Saying horrible things… mom was absolutely enjoying and
And encouraging when brother look over at her. All the pieces fell into place. Everything from childhood on. Walk away . Life after hell.
The 'not being believed' is a key aspect of family scapegoating abuse (FSA), as validated by my research. Speaking of validation, please do watch this video on Traumatic Invalidation if you haven't already: ruclips.net/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/видео.html
I believe you!!! My family is the same way! One time my mom was downstairs at around 5am and decided to walk across the family room in the dark without turning a light on. She tripped over a stool and broke her arm. My sister blamed me even though I was upstairs sleeping, after all it was 5am but she blamed me for NOT hanging out with my mom downstairs at that hour which is something I never do anyway. So basically it was MY fault that mom decided to walk into a dark room. And THEN....my mom literally tried to blame me saying "oh i put that stool in a different spot for YOU so that YOU could put your feet up and watch tv while I went away on vacation" huh? Ok so because YOU decided to move a footstool and then walk in the dark and trip on it and break your arm , it's my fault. And THEN......other siblings asked my mom if I was the one who broke her arm! They thought I pushed her or something! They are all nuts! So yes! I believe you when you say that they blamed you for killing your mom! But know this.....God is the ONLY one who can allow someone to pass away! Nobody else has that power. Your family is toxic! If you can, steer clear of them!!!!! And know that you have people who understand what you've been through rooting for you. Sending love! xo
I can vouch for the funeral experience. I was no contact 10+ years. Sibling passed away, very young, very suddenly. There was no funeral due to the pandemic and my bio parent choosing to have my sibling cremated immediately.
Something ensued as always and I was told by the sibling of one my narcissistic parents that is still living that I should "be there for my parent" as in the bio parent is the only one grieving.
This sibling of my narcissistic parent has abused me along with the narcissistic parents very much over the years. This time was no different.
My parent that I'm supposed to be there for so much didn't even attend the memorial. It was virtual. That parent wasn't grieving. That parent was just trying to make this whole thing about them as always.
No contact is protecting my peace.
This is so helpful, thank you. I lost my dad 8 weeks ago to a massive stroke. He’d been in the hospital for 3 weeks but my entire family kept that from me despite my having called and left messages with my mom, my aunt (his sister), and a cousin. They’ve never liked that I don’t live in the same town as they all do - literally within minutes of each other. My mom has kept things from me for years but it hurt the worst when my aunt, who promised she’d always let me know if something happened to my dad, did not let me know. I got a cruel text from my estranged brother when my father was in his last few hours but it sounded as if he’d had the stroke that day. I made it to see my dad and he died 15 hours later. I did a private hour at the funeral home before my family got there. How could I sit and grieve with 12 people who took away my chance to see him during his final weeks? I’ve gone no contact because this was the final straw and I can never trust them again. Is this family mobbing when everyone knows and they’re visiting him for weeks in the hospital but not one person thought I deserved to know my dad was dying?
Absolutely
Glad you saw each other before he passed away. 💞
@@BrickbyBrick- thank you
That's horrid. To me, this is one thing a person should not deprive another of: the chance to say good bye. Worst case scenario: in the case of a person who might upset the dying person when they need calm. But even then, if the person was close to them, you allow them at least some time with them. At worst, supervised.
So I don't see how there's any excuse for what they did to you.
Unless it actually was your father's wish. In which case, he'd be the one at fault.
@@lambchop6278 my dad and I were closer than my mom and I. I think my mom knew that. He would have wanted me there. Not to mention that my grown children were crushed not to be there either. It’s just plain cruelty.
I finally realised that the siblings I thought I knew, the siblings I shared a room with growing up, the siblings I thought I would grow old with, the siblings I thought had my back just as much as I had theirs are not the siblings that I thought they were. I have been on no contact or very limited contact for the past seven years. It hurts to have that realisation. It hurts knowing that my children do not have aunts and uncles and cousins they can enjoy Christmases or birthdays or any other celebrations with but I have to protect myself from further pain and trauma. Me protecting myself is also me protecting my children.
I had to walk away from a 50 year friendship due to the mobbing she, her mother and 5 other siblings perpetrated against a younger sister who fell into my care during late stage alcoholism. I witnessed only some of the systemic blaming, shaming, denial and abandonment, but enough to realize what had been going on for years. The sister passed @ 57. It was heartbreaking and traumatic to watch, but helped me understand my own family scapegoating. Now I will survive to speak her truth and mine. Thank you, Lizzie, for being such a compassionate, creative soul. They never saw your courage and strength, but I did.
Your story and your compassion touches me. My beloved father also fell ill and died from scapegoating in his family of origin and by his spouse. ❤❤❤❤
@@jane_7193Lizzie’s family also handed her off to a psychopathic narcissist husband who finished the job they started. I watched him bait and abuse her while they sat in silence or muttered under their breath. It was beyond tragic. Those of us who see this must call it out for those who cannot. Peace to you. ❤
That happened to me when my dad passed away. I was ganged up in by everyone. The Funeral Director had no idea there was a 4th child meaning me. My siblings kept it a secret the whole time. It was the worst feeling ever. The whole process was awful
I just attended my mother’s funeral and was ignored by the funeral director, my Bro and his wife and my mom’s minister of 40 years. But I had my two good friends with me for support so I survived. Actually I held my head up high.
There is no limit what can happen in these systems! So horrible & sad. And if you try to show light or speak against the abuse or about it's effects, the heat gets higher or they just drop you out.
Before my dad took his last breath my siblings and mom turned on me. It was so shocking. My mom and sister put together a memorial service with my dad's ashes and no one told me about it. They scheduled it for when they knew I'd be out of town. I went to my mom and pleaded with her to change the date. She told me I was making my dad's memorial all about me😳 That was over 20 years ago and I haven't been invited to one family function since. Having been elected the family scapegoat is so painful. The bullying is extreme.
Same here. They seem to get some sick joy out of it.❤
You are not alone in your experience.
As the middle child, the oddball, and the scapegoat, I was never really included in any of my siblings' lives. When this is brought up, I am blamed. How I am supposed to know about upcoming weddings, birthdays, births, etc when my siblings don't tell me about it is beyond me! I found out two of my nieces died over ten years later. Imagine how appalled I was when I asked my sister how they were doing only to find out that they were dead. But this is the way they treat me. Yet, when I went no contact with all my siblings, they were upset. I can understand the narcissist that targets me being upset (she did a smear campaign on Facebook), but the rest of them didn't talk to me much anyway. In fact, I was just thinking last evening how my youngest sister only knows me through the stories my other siblings have told her. This would explain why she abused me.
Im sitting here listening to you in this video with tears pouring down my face. You have described exactly what I’ve been going through. This is what my siblings have been doing since both my parents died. I didn’t know what was happening at first. I couldn’t explain it. I can’t believe what I’m experiencing. It’s like my siblings have taken over doing what my parents did my whole life. Gaslighting and scapegoating me. Even saying it I feel like surely I must be wrong. This can’t be what they’re doing. But they are. My mother just died and now I have no one. Which is so stupid because both my parents were narcissists so I never really had them, but I always thought I at least had my siblings. Now I truly have no one.
I am so sorry. You are not wrong.
I, too, have no one. I understand that pain.
It has taken a long, long time and hard work....I can honestly say I am okay now with having no family. Not any one thing got me there...rather lots of new awareness. Letting what disintegrated go. And integrating good "parts".
It's a journey we scapegoated ones are on. You have more strength than you know.
I can so very much relate. My sisters took over where our abusive father left off after he passed away. I have spent the last two years grieving their loss. All the signs were there but I kept thinking things would get better. It took me a long time to finally get the memo that they want nothing to do with me. They just want to be in relationships with my ex and our adult children. Such a sad situation but God has given me amazing children and a wonderful husband and friends who love and see me. It’s lonely at times not having a family of origin but it’s better than being repeatedly abused.
Trust yourself. You have a good handle on what's going on. I've found it's more lonely to be with my nuclear family than it is to be by myself. I've learned to appreciate my own company. I hope you can too.
You have you. You're seeing it for what it is. Trust yourself. Give yourself that permission. Go on and build your life. Nourish and cherish yourself. You are okay. You can do this. Keep going ❤️
Me too. Sister (younger) took over Dad’s role after he passed, which I guess he had been grooming her for before he died, or she thought she should be next. My passive mother, youngest brother, then one by one all other family members, fell in line. she’s such an odd person, always seemed “off” to me somehow, I didn’t see it coming. Not seeing the appeal, but I’m not on the receiving end of whatever they’re getting anymore. My family turned their back on me, and now I too am facing my senior years alone, without a partner or other family. At times it’s daunting, and I fear what awaits, but then I imagine still being in it, and I breath a sigh of relief. It’s crazy this happens, not a unique situation.
They even called the cops on me at the funeral. You wouldn't believe me if I told you what they did.
Sadly, I probably would, based on having worked with hundreds of FSA adult survivors. Very sorry this happened to you.
I would. I would believe you.
I bet I would believe you
They won't get a chance to do that to me again. Ever.
Breaking the horrible, toxic chain drives me--that's the very least we owe to those innocent family members coming after us. We must care enough to pass on ONLY healthy love, and relationships.
I went from caring what they did to me to really "seeing" what they did to me with educated eyes.Now I see it was envy, insecurity, and fear that the truth would come out that fueled the momentum. The healing for me was when I realized they were insignificant. It was never about me. It was all about them and I can walk away now. and when they contact me I SEE what they are doing, and it doesn't work anymore... I broke the cycle by being vulnerable with my daughter and being real. I am not perfect, but I offer non-judgmental support and love and acceptance. I have researched and tried to figure out what was wrong with me from age 16 on. From Wayne Dyer, Oprah, and finally breaking thru with your research. I found my way home to me. That enabled me to to care for my child from a place of trust, rather than loathing. and it has made all the difference. Thank you from my entire heart.
I receive your words here, and your thanks, with my entire heart. Beautiful. Thank you for supporting my work here on FSA as a channel member. Much appreciated.
I called it the mob or gang mentality. The family narc turns everyone in the family against the scapegoat. It happened to me in my FOO and in my in-law family. I have created alot of distance and it is soooo peaceful!
Sorry to hear it. This dynamic also occurs in dysfunctional families that are not reflective of a narcissistic family construct.
Nice content, Dr. Mandeville. I’ve been in the scapegoat role all my life,but it took me until I was 48 when I realized that. My older brother, a marriage and family therapist, bullied me to the point of me ending contact. And it took a few years for me to get beyond it. Not a lot of people in my life understand the dynamics, and even I get confused about it all. Anyway, I appreciate you addressing scapegoating so thoroughly.
You're very welcome. So sorry this happened to you. I offer more resources via my website menu at www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
As a 50 years old dude, it took me until 8 years ago to realize I was actually a scapegoat all along. An elderly man heard me arguing with my sister on the phone because I was on the family plan of hers at that time. What kind of voice he just says, "Ah you're the scapegoat."
It was right around that time that my older sister of 10 years just like your older brother thought she could start bossing me around since she would be my SSI payee in the future.
I moved 2300 mi away from home comfortable enough with the family situation. But it's funny how I ignored massive red flags like being left out of both of my brother's weddings.
My mom used the fact that I said I would meet up with the next love Island for years after my brother's wedding in 2002 was supposedly the excuse. When my older brother of 8 years got married, about 15 years ago or so.
It is ironic that your brother-in-law is a family counselor or marriage counselor because my sister is now a special ed teacher. (I was in that until 4th grade myself and that type of designation).
She did a vicious smear campaign. They've been cyber hacking me for years so I'm glad that this presenter mentions the Cyber hacking problem.
PS--I wonder how the parents of her elementary school kids would feel if they know what great extent she went through to taunt me in the privacy of my own home via my computer accounts on my phone? Sending screenshots of things she didn't like that I typed or whatever... I haven't had a Facebook present so it wasn't like it was public
Their trouble didn't start until about 8 years ago with me where it became rather overt. I will never accept an apology from either three siblings after the hell they put me through having to switch phone account after phone account because they kept cyberstalking me
It so happens my husband is now at his brother's son's wedding and I am home in order to protect my sanity. My husband's brother and family have ignored my husband and me for decades but expect us to show up every few years at events. My husband's brother cancelled me a couple of decades ago because I expressed that the way he was treating my husband was hurting him and not god for his health. The brother stopped speaking to me except in front of others when I still used to go to family events years ago. We discussed the situation with the parents when they were still alive and their philosophy was "Show up and shut up!". They expected us to follow in their own dysfunctional footsteps, unfortunately. Appearances were what counted, not reality.
My husband feels really uncomfortable going to this event but also feels some sort of "family obligation", even with the parents gone. He will NOT be mobbed by anyone in his brother's family or extended family members that we know his brother has influenced. On the contrary, everybody will be very polite and "nice" in front of each other because they are all such civilized educated people but then will ignore my husband and me privately and gossip about us even though they've never bothered to get to know us.
I don't know how people can get together at "affairs" when they have nothing to do with each other otherwise and pretend they care about each other. I am not a good actor in that way and I don't want to be. On that very rare occasion when someone is sincere and authentic, I will always respond but I don't have the capacity, especially as I get older, to pretend anymore.
As an update for what happened at the wedding, it was sad and predictable. My husband is glad he went because it gave him information which he needed at this important juncture. He would have felt worse if he didn't go so he decided to go. He now has to make decisions about a couple of other events which have been "ganged" up and are coming up very soon.
What was confirmed for him is that people are not interested in stepping out of the mob. Very few people have that capacity or care to develop it, in general. It is too "convenient" to go along, even when there are doubts about what the truth may actually be and even when some of the family participants are attorneys and therapists who supposedly study critical thinking. Advancing age doesn't seem to make people "wiser" either when it comes to entrenched dysfunctional family dynamics.
All we can do is deal with our own growth and behavior and let next steps reveal themselves. It is not a loss to step away from what you never had in the first place.
61 ~ can’t pretend 😊
I have had the experience of mobbed at my father’s funeral. Twenty years ago and it still hurts me, was so embarrassing
I’m working on healing, I just don’t want to be like them.
That’s something one doesn’t forget.
Omg I was always hiding in closets too
Me too. I had my own little world in there, but was dragged out for doing naughty things. I guess not wanting to be apart of their bs is naughty.
I hid in closets and under the corner coffee table in the living room. Lots of running and hiding. Thankfully over 50 years ago. Later as an adult I had to use other ways to stay safe.
@@sunnyday6465 Im 60 and still build forts in my backyard 😄
I could barricade my bedroom in 2 seconds flat. The closets in our house were always full. Under the house 🏠 in the dirt with the poisonous spiders and bugs was far safer except when it rained I had to crouch in the mud until Mum came home and they’d unlock the doors after locking me out after trying to assault me and I couldn’t get to my bedroom and the only option was running outside. 2 against 1 where both were at least 5-10cm taller and wider than you just wasn’t ‘fair play’💀. But they never played fair in anything. Or in the bush with the spiders and snakes 👍🏼. Probably why I’m an outdoors person. Coz staying in that house meant violent assault and constant verbal abuse. 🤷🏽♀️. In saying that I do have fond memories of that house when they weren’t there, coz I know it’s not the house- it’s the 💩 that came in, stayed for a while and finally left there.
Thanks for the informative video. I was born the youngest of nine. My sister who was probably in my eventual role, was 7 when I came along. Like most of us it took many years to figure out what their actions and words did. Their abuse had totally crippled the person I was supposed to be. No wonder my entire early childhood is just a blur. At around 9 came a horrible blow by my own mama. And then my papa. They are deceased. I have forgiven them and honor them because they gave me a life. Later I was trapped by an older narc woman who saw the perfect victim. The sister I was still talking to got uncomfortable with all the questions I was asking her. She can remember. She is 69 now. Very controlling and manipulative I finally realized. She loves confrontation, I feel sorry for her husband. Last year she took a hammer to his phone. Her discomfiture I believe led her to stop taking my calls. I saw this as the final opportunity to leave them all behind. Mine were killer bees. I thankfully live a freedom life. They are the losers. Nobody has my number and or they are blocked. In 75 days I am taking a road trip with my beloved Poodle, Juju. She is at my feet as I write. It is correct that this never stops. Now I realize all the injustices I suffered at work. A job I maintained for 30 years. I am grateful because all this has made me kind towards the earth and animals. Love to feed the birds and feel chills at the site of a beautiful cloud formation. The crows know and follow us around which is so spiritual. Cardinals greet us expecting their peanuts. They sing so beautifully outside my window. When your family destroys you, nature is helpful in restoring confidence because animals love unconditionally. Namaste.
I can relate with you completely. I love taking trips with my dog, feeding the birds, and the cat that visits my yard. I recognized the damage done. But I also feel the rain clouds, the energy of the green grass, the ocean breeze and the true oneness of nature. I treasure the peace and quiet. Being empathic is a gift, you can usually read people very well, and you may find a much deeper connection to God/Source/All that is.
So true. Nature can help heal us.
I am the family scapegoat. I attended my estranged narcissistic mother's funeral last September.
No one in my immediate family would speak to me. They all turned their noses and their backs to me.
My mother's sister is the one who attacked me and then went and talked alot of negative things about me in front of my children and grandchildren.
The aunt said she wasn't going to speak to me because "you broke your mother's heart!"
Apparently the mother who forbade me from coming to her home and refused to speak to me was telling others that i was ignoring her and wouldnt go see her when she had cancer. "
The family has been lied to by the narcissist about me for 12+ years and they all believed her.
That funeral was eye opening. It's astounding to hear the lies they all created to justify their behaviour towards me.
I'm still not sure if going to the funeral was the right thing to do.
I've definitely been mobbed, excluded and bullied emotionally by my mother and entire family for many years now.
They think they are so superior and flawless.
It must be wonderful to be a special as they think they are. 😂
My siblings all turned against me. A couple throw me a bone every now and then and send me a text. Been going on over 20 years. My mother is an MSW and just says she can’t do anything bc they’re all grown ups.
Being scapegoated by our families is Pure Evil. Stay away from them physically and emotionally forever.
I’ve ALWAYS felt like I’m on the front lines of a battlefield. It’s a horrible way to live.
And ‘horrible’ doesn’t come close to describing it but I don’t know the word that’s worse than horrible.
Same here
My dad and we made peace with eachother the day he died. It was not an easy trip to come two states away but I did. When I arrived at the funeral one of my brothers asked why I was there and that I didn't belong there. Exhausting and unacceptable behaviour.
Happy for you and your dad that you arrived at peace with each other.
So sorry to hear about how you were mistreated at the funeral.
That's a whole new kind of pain. I understand that pain.
We have flying monkies in my family. And they are "just kidding"
Glad you made peace w dad. Blank stare the inappropriate bros...just blink and stare. Say nothing
@@kimmccaleb4170 love that!
Blank stare. Blink and say nothing.
Brilliant!!!!
They need told loudly to shove off. Is this bullying?
Thank you for articulating my current situation.
As a child when the household got rough, I hid behind my bed.
You're very welcome. Glad you're here.
Me too. My earliest memory.
Me too.
You are seriously describing my life with my sister and her children. My mom had noticed the mobbing and the accompanying character assassination but didn't dare say anything. My sister had already gone No Contact with her once.
Indeed, it is rare that anyone in the family will stand up for the mobbing target - sometimes due to fear and self-preservation; sometimes for a host of other reasons. This 'lived reaity' has been validated by my FSA research, by the way.
Amen Sister!
If I had time to go back I wouldn’t have attended my mother’s funeral. As a scapegoat you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t anyways! The family mobbing was worse than guilt I would have felt if I hadn’t went. I now am out, everyone blocked! There is no amount of fawning i could have done to make them love me. They have recruited my 2 adult daughters and they are also out of my life! None of them deserve such a special soul in their life. They had me and abused me over and over, not anymore. I thank God for saving me & moving me away from them all..
I was the scapegoat in my family of origin and the scapegoating was covert. From my experience in life, it branches out to extended family and spouse's family. Even one's own children will turn against the scapegoat and scapegoat the scapegoat. For me, it also branched out to workplace mobbing, church mobbing, and neighborhood mobbing. Scapegoating is insidious. It's like once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat. My heart goes out to anyone who is a scapegoat. Acknowledging the reality is the first step to healing from scapegoating abuse. I agree with you, there is not enough attribution given, especially in RUclips circles, and family and marriage counselors are not educated in family scapegoating. At least the one I went to 20 years ago had no clue what I was talking about. Her solution was to divorce my husband. I didn't divorce because I knew this problem, I didn't have a name for it then, was going to go with me no matter who I was with or where I went. Throwing significant others away like an old shoe is not the answer IMO I realize now many of the behaviors in our marriage were reactionary against the families' scapegoating. My spouse, btw, was also a scapegoat in his family of origin, so the concept is not foreign to him and there is mutual understanding between us.
This is such perfect timing for me.
I’ve accepted that I’m the family scapegoat in just the last few days
Family mobbing, gang stalking, cancelled, real mean sinister and sadistic on line evil words said about me. Sabotaged.
I’m still in shock
I believe in you! The same has just happened to me. Watching Manifestelle's latest video also helped. I hope she can help you heal like she has done for me. My newfound healing and boundaries are why I'm being banned from the family. But her lessons are keeping me strong throughout this situation.
Same here. It's like I suddenly just woke up. This is blowing me away,yet I feel some kind of peace settling in my soul.😊
Thank you for saying this is as important as narcissistic abuse.
I forgot to add gang stalking feels like an extension of this.
You're very welcome. Yes, gang stalking shares these aggressive, systemic-induced, bullying-type dynamics.
3:46 My first horrific trauma like this was at a wedding reception for a family member. Beyond painful and confusing. Nobody was there for me. Just a few years later, different punching bag, same abuser and that punching bag got support because she hadn't been so pervasively smeared for so long. Just watching, as NOBODY ELSE got it was incredibly isolating and painful.
It really is. I wrote a second article referencing family mobbing you may want to read, in addition to the one I did a few weeks ago. You can find both of them here on my blog at www.scapegoatrecovery.com/blog.
My mom's baby brother is a math genius. My mom called to tell him WHY she didn't want him going to my sister's funeral with me but with her...he took her remarks and applied them to the truth value of a statement formula, and explained to me that my mom hates me. It was clear to him. BTW I am his caretaker. Until that phone call he had no idea from me that our relationship was so strained.
She outed her ownself to him.
My moms mom was abusive to her and my mom went NC with her mom when she was about 25. Everything my mom said was done to her … was done to me. The blaming of things I never done , silent treatments , she told everyone who would listen I was the bad child. I was the one who caused all the trouble. My mom would compare me to her one sis that she always talked bad about. I was spit on. Hit with belts. Watched my mom beat welts on my sis. The list goes on. I always knew my mom seemed different then my friends mom but when I was little I thought .. I only have one mom and when my dad passed away when I was 19 my mom would demand I do things my dad did for her like drive her everywhere , hang her pictures and shower curtains and hook up her tv to cable etc. my mom had always acted helpless and wants everyone to do everything for her when she is perfectly able to do things herself. I was always told … but she is your mom etc. often I would just do things for her for sake of argument. I was the one of all my siblings to do the most for her yes my mom continued to treat me like I didn’t matter. I finally put an end to it at almost 40 years old. Last year. On my birthday. I finally got angry enough when she gave me the silent treatment bc I told her no I couldn’t plan my own b day dinner with 10 others less then 2; hours. Her silent treatment didn’t surprise me. I had 38 years of it. But it did anger me so much. I’m not sure why that was my tipping point but it was. I didn’t wish her a happy Mother’s Day tgat just passed and I know she will not wish me a happy birthday that’s coming up bc she told my family she had no idea why I’m upset and how I’m
Always getting upset for no reason. She told my sis I’m having another mad spell. For a year now I have been reading and watching videos on child neglect and abuse and narcissistic behaviors and scapegoat and I have been talking to my co workers and friends and I can def say they were all shocked at what I have put up with my entire life. I’m still so angry. I guess my next step is trying to figure out how to let go of this anger I have toward her and one of my sisters for all the years of their nasty behaviors. My one sis is a whole other story .
I hear you. It’s been 2 years and I’ve been working through the depraved psycho 💩 my father, younger brother and perverted order sister has subjected me to during after mum died. Just like what they use to do the first 19 yrs of my life. Except no beltings, no punches in the face, back if the heat, my chest(breasts), no kicking in the stomach this time. It was just all verbal. The 💩 cherry on top was my sister organizing the spreading of mums ashes knowing I could not get a plane flight in time then said I was not welcome as part of the family and that “it’s your fault mum suffered as she was dying and it’s your fault dad treats you the way he does”. My last image of my father him hovering over my mother - like a vampire or dementor from the Harry Potter movies- abusing her as she lay in bed dying from cancer. The next day she was in hospital where she never returned. My sister stole items my Mum wanted to give my eldest daughter and my father and sister have taken mums jewelry she wanted shared out to her 2 daughters, 2 daughters in law and 4 granddaughters. My sister will make sure that never happens. There is nothing written in the will coz my father made sure of that. I blocked my sister on the phone do to her uncontrolled incessant depraved abuse towards me that started even before Mum was cremated. I’ve since found out her son who I got along with got engaged and got married. I found out 3 days after he got married. She is now saying I am torturing the whole family by excluding her. 💀. This depraved ‘thing’ is totally unhinged, has no self control, has no self regulation and is as unsafe to be around as she was the first 22yrs of her life. She is predatory in her behavior so I have no option but to stay away.
This actually happened to my aunt (who was the scapegoat of her family system) just like I am the scapegoat of mine. She was blamed by my mother and other family members for "stealing money" from my grandfather and giving it to her kids. Knowing who my grandfather was, I doubt this happened, and I doubt he even had the money. But everyone was made to believe it. My mother (who was the golden child of her family system) held a grudge and didn't talk to my aunt until she was on her deathbed, however. It was really sad.
Thank you Rebecca for bringing this dynamic to light. It is a horrible thing to not only be the scapegoat, but have their insecurities gather everyone in their sphere to align against you. I will not be attending any funerals for anyone in the family including my parents. I loved your comment "You have a sacred obligation to protect yourself." YES!
As I often say to my FSA Recovery Coaching clients: "Follow the wisdom of your nervous system..."
This was helpful in putting a name to the covert mobbing I received as a child and teen, and to a traumatic overt mobbing event on a family reunion in my early 40's, by the same family members. The leader of the pack never once apologized, nor did any of the others involved. I had moved away just prior to the overt attack, which triggered much resentment that I had escaped the family scapegoat situation. I cut off contact, then had to brave the funeral of my mother many years later. The pack leader made a pretense of loving acceptance by my appearance, as a means of hooking me once again into her what I call yoyo syndrome. By throwing me a few crumbs of interest I began thinking that perhaps she had gotten it out of her system. I soon understood that this was a trauma bond she was creating to gain control over me. I again simply stopped texting or communicating. This stuff is real, and harms so many people, sometimes for a lifetime. Watching these kinds of podcasts, and reading books on the subject of children of Narcissistic parents, and the scapegoat in the family gave me the insight and power to set healthy boundaries, and step out of that role. Thanks so much.
You're very welcome. You describe the reality of these dynamics well. Very sorry you have had to experience this. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
I am currently in a family mobbing scapegoat situation, I have been for decades, but it has recently escalated since I went no contact with my youngest sister. My older sister and brother had always been triangulated with her, but she has ramped up, scapegoating the abuse, the spying, etc. I’ve never sought professional help over these decades, I somehow been able to muddle through.but I do feel PTSD and so I’m going to be looking for some help! If it were not an ongoing situation, I think I’d be fine, but I need help navigating the escalation.
It made me not trust ANYONE. Hugs to anyone who has to go no contact 😢. That hardest part is going to the hospital. They EXPECT someone to come get you. It hurts so deep to tell them i dont have anyone to do that. They ALWAYS ask about family members. Ugh. I avoid that as much as humanly possible
it's criminal in nature and all the bystanders and those who ignorantly or knowingly participate in continued ambient abuse are just as guilty 😔
Oh my god, the moment you said a little girl hiding in a closet. I had forgotten. I loved the walk in closet. I would stay in there for hours. I am shocked that I forgot.
Sometimes forgetting is a protective mechanism, particularly in regard to (possible) trauma.
You can picture your adult self sitting with your little girl in there. Can be very healing.
it's maddening. i grew up with all family members constantly insulting and humiliating me. then, understandably, i spent a lot of time alone and didn't want to talk with them. then they would get angry and wonder why i wouldn't talk to them. they talked about how they "loved" me and why was i being distant. i'd feel bad. i'd try opening up and getting to know them. if i shared personal things, they would harshly critique me for anything they didn't like which made me feel i couldn't be genuine and had to be fake to please, while they could say or do what they wanted. worse, they would find ways to take my personal confessions and gossip and mock me behind my back among themselves, thinking i couldn't hear. the punishment for opening up would naturally shut me down again. and the cycle would begin again "hey, why are you not talking to us. we love you" really? so, to you, "love" is you hurting me and making me feel controlled and humiliated and i'm supposed to accept that i'm garbage and take it, but if i critique you, i'm a bad uncaring person? i don't think love is the right word for that. that sounds like abuse.because it is.
Extraordinarily well said. I hope many here take the time to read your entire comment. Glad you're here.
My advice , Get Away completely from these people!! Never go back , ever!
Thank you Rebecca. I have so much to say every time I listen to you. I am taking back my life. It is hard and also good. My unconscious will say "you live in a falling down house!" I am looking forward to the day it shouts, "Your house is filled with joy and people who love
You!' The tragedy for me is I find abuse and rejection or they find me. Self protection does not come easy. It is so hard for me to even trust God but I am learning to love and care for myself...Mother myself and Father myself. Rebecca, Blessings and more Blessings for you. You have authenticated my self. ❤
So good to hear, Gloria. You express the FSA adult survivor predicament - and the possibility of healing and recovery - very well. Thank you.
The initial scapegoating usually, but not always, comes from one or both parents. The children, both the scapegoat and the non-scapegoats, are inducted into holding this mentality. The scapegoat is the only one who has reason to fight against the scapegoating. The other children, who are also dependent on the parents for care, have more incentive to go along and they also the lack the experience of adults in order to resist it.
Later as adults, however, many siblings choose to continue scapegoating the target. It is mobbing and it is systemic. The perk and lure of doing this as a mob is that it allows people to discharge their individual responsibility for treating someone so unfairly and brutally. And becoming part of the mob keeps the mob from turning on them.
I believe that they can’t legitimately hate you for the basic fact that they don’t know you. They have no idea who you really are. They gave up on knowing you and bought into the scapegoat effigy you were turned into for your narcissistic parents’ regulation.
Thanks for all the work you do, illuminating this ugly reality and giving hope and options to people who may have lost hope and lost sight of our options. I’m a fellow closet-hider too.
You're very welcome. Thank you for this summary. More details regarding the complexity of this form of systemic abuse can be found in my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, for those who are interested.
i’ve seen this where the disabled child is ganged up on and blamed for more than their share, an easy target
Yes, I mention this in one of my videos here, I believe, it was long time back, however. This issue deserves dedicated research to unpack further, in my clinical opinion.
I'm 33 and a FSA survivor, and still living in a toxic environment. I stay quiet and try to avoid at all costs so I end up staying in my room isolated. Up until my mid 20s I had so much difficulty doing things by myself and my anxiety prevented me from going out into the world and socializing. This all changed when I had a Kundalini awakening and started to see through the illusion of the dynamics and my part in it. I still have the tendency to avoid my family at all costs because it doesn't matter what I do, they still manage to play out the same patterns and I feel like I'm just an observer trying to undo the injustices. I've always described the feeling as a force that tries to limit my consciousness. My intuition tells me (and I feel it in my bones) that something is happening outside of my conscious awareness and over time I begin to see these patterns play out that are unhealthy where I'm attacked. I see through the facades they put up trying to make believe that everything is alright which really is just a form of gaslighting. Its a complete disregard for reality.
Thank you for your words, they are very validating. The only thing I want to do is ESCAPE however my situation doesn't allow for me to do so. It always seems like there are series of events that always lead me right back to them and I just want to get away from it all. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I just want to heal and move on. I'm tired of just surviving. I want to flourish and grow and achieve my dreams.
You sound like you've figured out the unhealthy family patterns that have been holding you back. Keep your eyes and ears and mind open and eventually you'll find the way out. You are aware and that is the first step. Don't give up. I got out at 54 and while I wish I'd done so earlier, I'm so glad I finally did.
What is preventing you from getting a job and moving out?
@@Joelswinger34 I have had a few interviews after being unemployed for some time however it seems like the job market currently isn't in the best spot. I have a feeling it will turn around soon and I'll actually land something.
@@lolo9553ify I'm glad you got out too. It really shows just how strong you are!
hey! i did kundalini yoga and experienced something like that while surviving these toxic dynamics, its the only thing that gets me stable enough to get out of the cycles
I experienced this when my mom died in 2021 and I was left trustee and saw the rest of my family turned into salvage dogs and the cruelty of their actions and words were outrageous and they lied and slandered me and it's been a journey through hell and all they did was piss me off and not ever consider them family anymore. I honestly hope they fry in hell. I couldn't believe i had to stand alone to do exactly what my parents wanted. They all disrespected my mom and dad so bad by trying to take me down. I never did anything to anyone but they all been lied to help destroy me. My car got damaged and my roof on my house damaged i actually had to call police. I got people sharing my moms obituary notice where they proceed to degrade me and say so many lies. Its been a really long painful journey where i realized when my mom died I truly lost the only person who truly loved me and god showed me who everyone else truly was. Not looking back only forward as i gain clarity and let god deal with them. Thanks for the video ❤
Crazy. I had never thought of myself as the scapegoat until recently. I've read somewhere the scapegoat can change in a family. I have been estranged from my toxic father since 2014 and my toxic siblings for approximately 6 years. It was a difficult decision and stressful, but in the end my life is now more peaceful and drama free without them. I was recently invited to a cousin's funeral; a cousin I hadn't been in contact with for 30+ years. I heard a few of my siblings were going to attend. The thought of encountering them fills me with dread and anxiety. I did not attend, nor will I attend any event where they are expected to be there.
Yes, as I said in an earlier video, family roles can at times be passed around - a bit like the children's game 'Musical Chairs'. Only not so fun.
Nina, good decision not to go. It's not worth the stress.
What you discuss about funerals is so true: it happened at BOTH of my parents' funerals by family members. I had PTSD symptoms from it. While my therapist did not have your terminology, she was eventually able to convince me I was the healthy one, and that my kids are "so lucky." I became a therapist myself because it's healing to help those who walk through the door when you can't help those you truly love with their trauma responses. Thank you for this.
Yes I also had a PTSD diagnosis after my mom had a stroke and I found her .,.took care of everything until she died. My family mobbed me😢
@@Pattie-o7f I'm sorry that happened to you. Families can be a great source of pain and suffering.
@@brendagregoryyuen4923 Thank you
Good Mornin 👍 all!❤I'm Katherine, I'll listen then comment. THANK YOU Dr. Rebecca! Your research & sharing. I have your book a week, now. I LOVE IT ! ❤️ ❤❤❤❤❤ I've had 0 contact since my narcissist Mother died in 2018.
Thank you for supporting this channel with your channel membership and glad you got my book and are finding it helpful!
My friend experienced exactly that when her father died. Since then her mother and her sister are out of control and act horrible in plain sight and I am happy, my friend moved finally out. Since then they accuse her of stealing silver and other things from the house. Her mother even asked her to give former presents back to mainly give them straight to that brat of sister.
I am impressed by this sick family dynamic and so glad that my friend finally has got out and begins to heal.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and your clear advices. ❤
You're very welcome. Glad you'e here.
Ouch! Only our Most High knows each individuals PAIN! Thank you, your work is SO needed! 🌻
You are so welcome. Glad you're here.
I have been living through family mobbing for decades; but, lately, there has been an uptick!
Oh oh!!
Or not attending a funeral and being blacklisted by your family, when they tried to skip it as well.
It really doesn't matter if you go or don't go, you are dammed either way.
But, if you don't go, one good thing is you are void of memory of their angry faces and actually hearing their backbiting words.
Stay away from all of them. They know the deal. They refuse to stand up for you and have made their choice. I went NC and have missed weddings, etc. They discovered they need me more than I need them. They have all come to my side after being with the "witch" for two years and having had to take the punishment I took for THEM. I have lost most friends (I am lucky, I found out they weren't friends) been accused of making phone calls I never made - a good friend told me because he knew I would never make such a call. I realized that NC is the only way. Eventually, the evil one will move on and victimize one of the flying monkeys she so easily was able to recruit. One of the keys is to live you life privately. Stay off social media. Realize phones can be hacked. Protect your privacy. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RETALIATE. They will turn it on you. Move on and begin a life. You are worthy of love and the enjoyment of life. NEVER go back. No Contact must be permanent. Beware of their persistent desire to consume you. They will always monitor you in whatever way they can. Sad to say, but you really need to drop below radar - permanently. Family complicates matters but they have likely been inflitrated and told various lies to create doubts in their minds - converting many of them into monitors who report back to your narc or scapegoating relative(s).
It won't be easy but its a choice between freedom and the road to hapiness or a return to misery. God Bless. Be strong!
I have been the scapegoat for as long as I remember and I still am..I am now 65
Sorry to hear it. Glad you're here. There are more resources on my website at www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
Thanks Rebecca for this channel! It has been & continues to be a great source of information and help. Thank you.
You are so welcome! I have a list of resources on my website in the menu if you haven't seen this yet at www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
Funny you mentioned hiding in closets. For me it was hiding under the kitchen sink. It was so common that by the time I was in highschool and started going to parties to drink (quit drinking at twenty-ish), if I got drunk enough I would find I couldn't sleep with everyone crashing around whatever house we were in so I would usually end up in the cabinets under their sink. It wasn't long until my best friends knew that if they couldn't find me in the morning then that should be the first place they look, though they took it as a funny quirk. Little did I know at the time what it said about the differences in our family backgrounds.
Profound memory - and connections, associations, realizations. Thank you for sharing it with us here.
Thank you, Rebecca. You're the real deal. Gently important that you're here.
For years my siblings criticized our father for being a narcissist. Low and behold, after he died at age 91, a couple of them morphed into him. Only worse! They lied about me (the scapegoat) and said all kinds of hurtful things. Best thing I ever did was go no contact. That old adage of “When people show you who they really are-believe them” is so true. The hurt and rejection is hard, but life is better afterward! ❤️🙏😊
When you mentioned funerals it reminded me of how i was ganged up on. At both my parents funerals my narcissistic brother showed me up in front of all the guests and humiliated me. Everyone would take his part. At my eldest brother's funeral I had my husband with me. My narcissistic brother did not insult me with my husband there. However he was supposed to give us a lift from the church to the hotel where the buffet was. He left us stranded at the church. A couple who we never met before were kind enough to take us to the hotel. When I told my late brother's widow my sister in law what trick he played, she just covered up for him. My narcissistic brother told me down the phone later how much he disliked my husband, called him a creep and criticised his behaviour in general. I told my sister in law again about what he said, she sided with him saying that my husband behaved inappropriately. How did she work that one out. Another reason for going no contact is to prevent my husband being scapegoated too.
This type of situation came up so often in my original FSA research that I was frankly shocked. This is why I can say with confidence this is a part of the FSA phenomenon for some.
I feel that jealousy and resentment has a lot to do with scapegoating. If you are different from the majority of the family in any way- it can be even be just physical looks. I am the only brunette out of 6 siblings, Im brown eyed,a curly haired brunette,whereas the other 5 are blue eyed straight blonde haired,so people noticed i was different & many positive comments were made about me looking like Dad, but my blue eyed parent was resentful that i got attention bc i didnt look like her.
My 2 sisters especially seemed to be upset by it, especially as i matured & again i got a lot of attention from males,(not always wanted).
My personality is different from theirs,im outgoing & told I'm warm & friendly. You dont even have to do anything wrong to be scapegoated. You could believe in God,whereas they are all atheists. You could live a very simple life, whereas the others are more materialistic. You may show them up in certain areas just by being a personable nice easygoing person. Scapegoats-Do not think you have always done anything wrong, as it is common to feel when you are isolated by a group in the family & even at work or among friends. This shift in understanding has helped me a lot as for decades i always thought i must be doing something wrong. The wrong in their eyes, was that,I was just being myself. It is their problem! If scapegoating continues you may have to grey rock some and even go no contact with others. Our parents are both dead now & the SG has become much more vicious and obvious so i have chosen to go NC with one, very limited contact with another,greyrock a brother with msgs on phone, phone contact & msgs with 2 brothers. Mum's death split the family down the middle,the bullies on one side & the easygoing on the other. Sad, but you have to look after yourself by taking whatever stand you feel you need to. I havent even told them,i just did it. Dont let anyone make you feel guity for doing it either! This is your life. No one needs to put up with nastiness from anyone,a close relative especially. I've often called them "my loving sisters or family", lol. Im left out of family business, not invited to weddings, functions,anniversaries,not told my mother had heart attacks, only learned from a brother, living overseas, that my Dad was in hospital on life support days before he died,thus missed seeing him...Jealousy is rottenness to the bones! 2 of my exes pointed out that i was being treated like Cinderella. People see whats happening, dont think they dont see it or even agree with it. My mums friend said she stays with mum bc mum befriended her when she 1st came to Australia,but she didnt approve of how i was treated by my parents. So please dont think nobody notices the treatment. When you have had enough you will know to reduce contact in whatever way, that keeps you sane. Healing hugs to all Escape Goats ❤
Pretty much my story. No contact for me. Not easy but finally did it.
Yes. Same her, but for my intelligence. I moved to the other side of the world.
Aggressively abused by a mother narracist who created and fostered family mobbing on myself .This was enforced at an early age and I have endured isolation and complete family annihilation for 40 years even after she is gone. And they still actively engaged in emotional bludgeoning. I am a- ok. I am a shining star. They are sick and blind.
Good for you. 🙏. I hope you e found and cherish your own family whether they be your friends or own kin.
I got attacked by my sister repeatedly after my dad died, under my mom’s guidance. It happened at the funeral, and I got physically attacked at home right after the funeral. I was told I provoked the rage when I merely asked an innocent normal question. I have not heard any other video discuss this and give it a name. I was most definitely mobbed and attacked by my mom and sister. I’ve been dismissed my entire life, even though intellectually I’m the smartest one in my family. They can’t stand me because I’m the truth teller and they just want to silence me. My health has suffered tremendously and I had no choice but to go no contact based on my doctor’s advice. It was nothing short of abuse and rage purposely directed towards me, to make me suffer and destroy me to pieces. Thank you Rebecca, this was a really great video.
You're welcome. Sorry you have gone through this. I discuss this dynamic in a few other videos here. You may want to read my introductory book on FSA - It's listed here on the top of this resource list I put together for FSA survivors. Glad you're here: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
I now see clearly that I used books to hide in. Being the family scapegoat feels like death, once in therapy the courage to heal brings us back to life and to see ourselves for who we truly are. Beautiful divine spirits.
Love this. I also escaped via books. A welcome relief.
Rebecca, as always you so specifically name it all. It’s all so soul destroying and insidious. It is systemic and it took me years to understand this AND that it was going on LONG before I was born. The pain I’ve felt by the lies, accusations, story’s made up about me not even remotely of earth one, were wild. I’ve not been part of my family for over forty years. I left and never looked back. That said, the damage done has been years of therapy, tears,loneliness, anger and grief. When I do have some contact, I’m happy to say, I’m nothing like them and they’re still the same. Swirling in the toxicity of their own shame and unprocessed trauma. What I do know is that it doesn’t belong to me. It never did. That said, it’s taken years for me to come to that conclusion. Your work and pinpoint articulation of emotions we can’t even describe at times have helped me tremendously. Thank you.
You're so welcome, Jaye. Such a powerful comment - I hope many here read it.
I was not recognized when I texted in the text group. Invalidated by my family even in court for 12 years . Very hostile attempts to murder me many times... they gained custody of my daughter and brainwashed her against me. Nowadays last 15 years very little contact allowed to know her or my grandchildren.
So Sorry to hear that. Stay Strong and know you are not alone and people do care.❤
The funeral abuse thing happened to me and it was very abusive. I was attacked, literally for not being religious enough, and not following the strict religious dictates of the siblings, even though the parents clearly did not either. Looking back,
To this day, they, themselves, have only picked and chosen certain rules they want to follow. But I was expected to somehow pick the ones they chose to observe. I immediately became shunned by a relatives that couldn’t even tell you what the rules of the religion were. Another irony was I was screamed at for not appreciating my abusive mother, but when she died, it turned out, she had disinherited them, and they are suing to get her money. I was also disinherited, but expected it. They didn’t, but they screamed at me for not appreciating a woman that it turned out, disinherited her own children.
It really is a 'thing' and came up quite a few times in my original FSA research - enough for me to associate it with the FSA phenomenon.
Yes! What is so insidious is the “niceness” that can accompany this form of mobbing. “Oh honey we didn’t tell you about our plans because we just knew you were so busy”. The price of admission to the exclusive club that is your family is that you must pretend that you believe they are excluding you out of “love”.
I just recently lost my spouse to Kidney disease. He was on dialysis for 6 yrs. He had a stroke which disqualified him from receiving a kidney. His body was shutting down and he was suffering horribly. He made the decision to stop dialysis and died 5 days later. He peacefully died in his sleep. My sister accused me of hastening his death. MY sister. I was shocked that she had no empathy for what me and my son were witnessing. She called me evil. I could have understood it better if it had been my husband's sister. But My sister who lives 1000 miles away.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband and your sister.
What an uncalled for cheap shot that your sister took at you making up things that aren't true. Lots of good decent people have agreed with their family to put them out of their misery if they wish like whether it be chemotherapy, or.stopping dialysis like in his case.
Your husband had to be grateful to have a woman like you stick with him to the end with mercy and kindness for his soul. God bless the both of you. (I used to be an atheist, but now I'm different and I hope that you both can meet on the other side once again!)
Wow, the advice to bring your own therapist in on the family therapy to help defend you is pure gold! I never thought of that! I've been NC forever, but I've wondered, in such a scenario, how on Earth would you ever choose the family therapist, given the family's strong reality-warping agenda? That advice really shifted the whole concept. Thanks so much for covering this. It's such an underdiscussed topic, so I haven't ever found anything on it. I feel much less isolated by it hearing from a pro and having a name for it.👍
My father was trying to force me to "go to therapy" with him without one, and I refused to go without our each having our own therapist. So we never went.
@marthajean50 Glad this was helpful and welcome to my channel and work on FSA. You might also visit my website, I have a resource page in the menu there at www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
@@amarbyrd2520 Gee, now why did he react THAT way, I wonder?🤣 Sounds like he might've felt pretty confident he could manipulate that one single therapist into thinking you were the whooooole problem. 🤣
@@marthajean50 I definitely believe that was the plan, you bet 💙
I learned the sad lesson that when you are at your lowest after the death of a parent, that relatives will be their meanest to you. But, it happened to me
In these types of dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems, sadly this can be the case.
I'm sorry yet I understand, happened to me too.
Thank you for covering this topic. My most un-favourite of these was “the lecture” where I was subjected to outright character assassination for hours by both parents who took turns on the daughter pinata. I couldn’t fight back … It simply didn’t work, so I learnt to just sit there in the silent knowing that they were totally delusional and clearly watched too many cop dramas. The things they accused me of were literally insane. I’m guessing others here may have endured this kind of dehumanization as well and my heart goes out to you. It was torture. Thank God I don’t live there any more.
The child with a hidden disability is the one that gets targeted because they are the most vulnerable
@cloudmountaindog8537 This was a feature of my FSA research. I think I mention a similar situation in an old video I did here: ruclips.net/video/jaFO4ABapi0/видео.html
I just “act like I care about them” when I don’t. It stops all the flying monkeys running around town talking s$/& about me. It confuses them. The shade used to come from my narcissistic mom. She died alone, and now the attacks come from my “beloved, golden” brother who is a stingy Narc who built himself a fortune, and of course has an entire harem around him and the whole town in the palm of his hand. Can you say “cult like”? Each month, I think of some selfless, sweet “act” to do for my dead mother or family, and then I put it out there on social media for all to see. Then, I go live my own life without them. Works pretty well to keep new hatred from showing up my way and thwarts my brother’s attempts to vilify me and make me out to be the wicked witch of the West. There’s no place like home….not. Stay safe out there and remember that you are dealing with, often, one source of all the scapegoating…and that source is/was usually a parent(s) who has a very severe personality disorder, is narcissistic, has malignant or sadistic traits, and/or who is badly damaged themselves. The others are just there for the money, attention, status, or to prevent the abuse from coming their way. Some of them are badly damaged too. After you grieve the loss of any love from your parent(s), which can take years and may take therapy, and after you move on and away from them & build your own life, it is so much easier to occasionally have a little empathy for them, but I would never let them back into my life. Never tell them any personal info. Build a different family away from them. This is why it’s important to recognize this when you are young and move on. That way you have the time it takes to create your own life anew.
Thank you Dr. Mandeville!
You're most welcome!
Your "pack of wolves" analogy I found particularly apt. I now avoid family gatherings, particularly funeral's.
I find listening to your talks to be very therapeutic and soothing, especially right after an abusive outburst or event from my family. Thank you. These kind of channels really help me hold on while I’m still living w fog until I can get housing or SSDI. I’m 35. I have rsi in both hands, tendonosis, and anxiety attacks and seizures and they trigger them on purpose by yelling and being abusive to me basically daily. And of course because I ask them to stop or point out their abuse they go into DARVo, and attack me more and try to make me out that I’m crazy and they’re the victims. Both my mother and grandma smear campaign me to each other and have manipulated outside of the house extended family against me and to believe their lies. They will act like a victim while they are attacking and yelling at me. It’s so insane, and gross how the6 wear a mask in front of everyone and will go out of their way to attack me or make me out to be “something or another” in front of strangers. Love to put me down in front of strangers or tell a victim story to villainize me. Just. Trying to hold on till I can get out. So funny how they shame me for having to be in their house or for them spending any money on me but they continue to abuse me and trigger my seizures when they have been told and know that it’s keeping me from healing and being able to work and keeping me disabled. It’s so funny they call me evil and abusive if I tell them to stop being abusive to me. Since I went no contact w my mom, my sister stopped talking to me. So obvious how that all works. It’s so crazy how many people believe the false mask they pretend to be outside of their own house. I have anxiety all the time my grandma is home or anytime I have to interact w her because I never know when she is going to flip out and attack me me or yell at me or put me down or accuse me of attacking her when I’m talking about something completely normal. Thank you Rebecca for your videos, and giving us a safe space. Love to you and everyone here. We are strong!
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you.
Your own personal life.
Your life's work. Your research. Your hard work. Your courage and compassion has given you keen insight and knowledge and understanding and wisdom.
You are not hiding in the closet anymore. And we scapegoated ones are encouraged and strengthened by your presence.
I have experienced the mobbing. It's unbelievable that a family and community can be united in such evil. Yes I call it evil. It's certainly not the opposite which is good. It's DISINTEGRATING. But then you get to crawl out of the rubble and learn a whole new way to live.
I am so grateful for you. Because YOU DO UNDERSTAND I will be signing up for a 90 minute session with you when it opens up. You are the only one I want to talk to, then I will go on from there.
Thank you, Rebecca. Jane
Hi Jane, as always, thank you. Please write me privately via the 'Contact Me Here' feature on the bottom of this page here from my website. You've been here since the beginning and I want to honor that by getting you in for a session sooner rather than later. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/scapegoat-recovery-consultations/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Thank you Rebecca, how kind, I appreciate it. And I will be in touch this next week. Enjoy the weekend. Jane
My one brother closest in age to me has made me the scapegoat in dealing with the elderly enabler stepfather. Borderline mother is deceased. He yells at me on the phone from 3000 miles away to say I'm not doing anything. He's the one who cares. He has to make himself the hero in his mind because we never mattered as kids. He's just become another abuser to me. When the stepfather is gone, I'm NC with him.
Made me cry just lessening, thank you for being the first therapist to one of your words may be being traumatic for survivors of narcissistic abuse within the family dynamic your words are very powerful and I helping lots of people. We are very grateful for the work you’re doing with us. Thank you.
You're very welcome. Glad you're here. Here's my resource page in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Yes indeed, totally agree.