1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Thank you for showing me the dilemma I’ve been going through all my life. Never quite could understand of what to call this lifetime situation I’ve been going through.
@@GoldenSheenObsidan You are most welcome - I hope you will subscribe to this new channel; my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', will also be very helpful if you haven't yet read it.
@@BlueCollarAstrologer I'm glad you were able to read my book - and that you found your way here. I hope you subscribe - there'a more to come! And - you're welcome!
It’s funny how the narc family members have this narrative of me being mentally unstable when I’m the healthiest family member of all. The rest are their minions & flying monkeys who are also unwell. Scapegoats truly are the healthiest family member. We seek help and we seek to understand. We embrace truth. Most of us have high integrity too.
This is so true!!! Somebody once said to me not to worry, as all the accusations against my person, is in reality accusations against themselves which I find to be correct. Just one simple example is, the accusations I received, about crimes I should have committed during WW2 and, as I was born in 1960, such accusations can only come from a disturbed mind.. By now, I am more than happy to have left....I "only" wish my former families would have stayed far away from my identity instead of abusing and stealing from it, as this is what will now send these former family members and their religious flying monkeys through the International courts..😪 So much hate (against themselves) is unbearable 😰 You and I (all us scape goats) can heal to a certain degree but, the scars will be there forever! Will they ever realise how much harm they've done? I strongly doubt...sadly 😰
Spot on. Thank you. I am now an older woman, parents deceased, but as you know, it does not matter. All that hurt and trauma is still in there. It helps to hear someone validate what we feel.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Finding your videos has already allowed a SMALL part of me to see some irony, if not yet humor. You are a literal Godsend to so many. KEEP TALKING PLEASE!
In my experience, people die but the memories of their scapegoating and other ill behaviors- even not trying to stop any abuse - remain with us. Validation surely helps. Wish you peace and healing.
I'm Canadian painter Denise LaFrance. 30+ years, this is my career. Painted for many famous people. My toxic parents' response? They commanded me on more than one occasion to *_"Stop that stupid painting. Nobody cares about your silly paintings."_* Meanwhile, I've got Harry Dean Stanton calling the house... End result? I refused to quit painting and narc Mom & Dad DISINHERITED me as *_punishment_* for continuing to be a painter.
Your experience certainly qualifies as 'bizarre'. Mind-bending, indeed. You stayed true to yourself, your gifts, and your art. That is priceless and something no-one can ever take from you.
Way to go ❤ good for you. I'm proud of you and I'm a complete stranger who understands 💛 also an artist 🎨 my hard work would often be thrown out at the end of the school year. Still we Rise ✨️
Yep. When I finally divorced my Ex not only did my sibling (who was the ringleader in our family) side with him she also took over hosting all family functions and invited him to them and told me I could not attend. And no one (not one) person in my family said anything . I finally ended up “divorcing” my entire family. Best decision I ever made.
It really is 'bizarre', isn't it?(!) I have a couple of articles about this on my blog, this one and one entitle 'When your family sides with your ex' (you can use the search function on my blog to find it): www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/01/07/darvo-when-the-abused-are-revictimized-by-their-abuser/
True. When I got my doctorate, nobody bothered to attend my graduation and my family ignored me when I returned. Even after 20 years of practice and being recognized by my peers for excellence, my dad told me that his girlfriend's granddaughter's masters was a bigger degree than my doctorate. The lengths he goes to to invalidate me are spectacular. And this one made for a good laugh, which I did right in his face.
Yes! This! When I graduated college my family didn’t attend. Graduated Summa Cum Laud, and it would have been a 4 hour drive for them to attend. A couple years later they all drove 2 hours to attend my golden child sister’s college graduation. In fact, Mom instructed everyone to bring her a dozen roses so that she would have an overflowing armload of flowers to carry! I was lucky to find the most loving, supportive husband. We have a great life together that does not include my family anymore.
It still breaks my heart to recall that my own parents did not attend my high school graduation. I was a good student, but was conditioned to not expect anything from them. I remember asking my mother if she was going to attend. She just laid in bed and ignored me as if I wasn't talking to her. I took the bus there on my own and came home alone. My parents said absolutely nothing to me about it afterwards. But indeed they did not miss my pregnant older sister's and younger sister's high school graduation. I went on to complete 2 higher degrees with not much acknowledgement from my family. But it's the high school experience that really saddens me the most. I don't think I can ever reconcile that. My parents are both deceased now and I am still the family scapegoat. It's such a mind boggling life to be scapegoated by your own family because they never just come right out and tell you why they hate you so much. They just show you, but never tell you.🤔
@@jenniferboyd6556 good move, don't let up your wise decision of no contact no matter what, because, these people are rather shameless could sneak back into your life. Nevertheless, learn to Forgive and let go.
Research has confirmed that children who are neglected fare worse than children who received negative attention - Because negative attention is still a form of connection. (This is illustrated well in the movie 'Crash', by the way. When unable to connect positively, we humans will 'crash' into each other to connect).
The dysfunctional family has to convice THEMSELVES, not the scapegoat is worthless. They have to justify this horrible behavior that they have perpetrated since the scapegoat was a little child.
As the last born my entire family had labeled me "spoiled." Because my siblings and I are a generation removed, after age 8 I was raised like an only child. It has taken me 40 years to realize that I'm the family scapegoat and was labeled as "spoiled" for wanting to be held, wanting attention, and for having basic needs. I was even called "spoiled" on social media because I went home for Xmas and my mom made my requested meal! I guess being treated like crap is supposed to be "love" but I'm not accepting that anymore. I've cut ties with and blocked so much of my blood kin in order to heal and build a true family of my choosing.
Graduated college last year at 50. No one came to commencement, no card, no congrats. Like a child, when I learned no one was attending, I went to the mailbox daily the week before hoping to see a Congrats card...nothing :( Divorce: yes! They fed my soon-to-be ex all kinds of information! My mother was killed in a car accident when I was 27, about a year after I asked my dad if she was proud of me (I bought a house, had a baby, started college, working full-time and got married), he replied "she thought there's room for improvement". I was the ONLY child out of 5 (the youngest) that never got in trouble with the law or did drugs 🤷♀️
This is heartbreaking. Many FSA adult survivors will often skip the graduation (etc) all together to avoid the pain of no one being interested enough to be present (others must practically force family to attend; sometimes they do, grudgingly). Thank you for sharing some of your FSA story with us.
Wow. What a good observation because I graduate with my associate degree in science next year and I am conflicted on whether I should go or not.😢@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
I relate to a lot of this. When I was 13 I entered 3 drawings in a drawing contest and got 1st place, 2nd place and honorable mention, and when I told my mom she said why didn't you get 3rd also. So I ripped them up and threw them all in the trash including the first place prize. No congratulations or celebration, just diminishment. That was just one of many things. Thankfully, I moved out at 17, worked since I was 12 to save the money to get the hell out, put myself through college (art), moved across country, had my own business for 20 years while going no contact. During that time I had to have 12 years of therapy, and 6 years of alanon just to get back to neutral. I'm in a much better space, but the wounds still have scars and I wonder what my life could have been if I was raised in a loving, healthy and supportive family, instead of one full of dysfunctional narcissistic alcoholics.
If you do well at something, they just raise the bar even higher and say you are still not good enough. Look for validation elsewhere. Don't let them ruin it for you anymore.
It can be, indeed. Please take a look at these resources I have put together for FSA adult survivors. It includes international numbers to speak to someone if you feel suicidal. Recovery and healing IS possible! www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I never realized that I've been the scapegoat in so many relationships. Birth family, school, friends, boy friends, bosses/ co-workers, neighbors . Seemingly always at fault because of initial childhood training and not being able to stand up for myself. What a mind blowing realization to see it differently! The years of of abuse are melting away. Just wow! Now I'm seeing all these traumatic experiences from a different perspective. Healing has begun. I am so grateful to FSAE! Thank you Rebecca for sharing this information with us!
Ignore my other comment, Coco, I see this comment here now. You might want to get Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma', which will help you determine if you might have complex trauma symptoms. I talk about this issue in detail in my book as well and in some of my blog posts on FSA.
Coco- that’s tough- compassion to you. Janina Fisher also has a very good RUclips video based on this book. I watched it, I’ve done loads of “work” I think that helped me also follow the video. Two other very helpful videos shorter videos for me. Deborah Lee. Traumatised brains. Jacob Ham. Trauma & been seen and understood. They are short videos. There’s 1000s of videos on RUclips and it’s very helpful to get good recommendations- including this site. Compassion to you on your journey into healing which is not linear, but it’s so worth the effort- because we are so worth it and we deserve healing. If I reply on comments and I am not the first I can’t get my phone to type the @ in blue - so I don’t know if you will see this comment. Also don’t know how to share the link clips mentioned- they are easy enough to find. Also finally for any woman out there reading this who has or is experimenting “intimate partner abuse” I very highly recommend “ Steps to Freedom “ by Don Hennessy- also as it’s a book one will most likely keep private, if it’s covered with nice wrapping paper, it then looks like a notebook…Peace & Health to you all.
Me too. Scapegoated in every friendship group, always at the bottom of the hierarchy with a narcissist at the top and henchwomen and followers backing her up. It makes you feel insane until you see the pattern.
My mother talks well of me and my accomplishments to others (I’m told all the time), but has never told me those things. Instead, I get her anger and resentment. She loves to make me feel like I’m putting on airs, stuck up. My sibs make me feel the same way. I learned at a young age to live “under a bushel basket”, not talk about what I do/accomplish, etc. I was so fortunate to have a Grandmother who loved me, could “see” me, encouraged me to be myself & be a success. She was healthy in every way my mother was not. She was also bold and put people in their place within the family when I got abused. I miss her to this day. But she’s the reason I’m not shaken at the core when I’m scapegoated by my family. Deep down I’m healthy too. Thanks for articulating the many things I’ve known but never saw laid out so accurately. The book speaks to me.
What a blessing - that you had a loving grandmother. I've had some clients share that their parent expressed pride about their accomplishments to others, but never to their face. Sometimes this is cultural - I see this often with clients raised in Ireland, for example. Yet another topic for me to cover in future - the cultural considerations we must explore clinically when working with our FSA adult survivor clients.
I saw directors dvd cut of Angela’s Ashes film. Frank McCourt the author of the book gave insight during the movie. He remarked it was when his Aunt took him to buy him a suit it was then he felt she was proud of him and felt his love, as she had never told him he was loved or proud of him. His insight of his family and even the area he lived in did not openly express how they felt. It was only when he got the suit he knew she thought highly of him and miss him when he left
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thus did happen to me at times, but the only positive words he spoke of me were, "She's a good girl," and "She's smart." I know good girl meant that I took care of his needs, especially in the final years of his life. I also know that smart meant that he knew I had figured him out and that is why he stepped up the abuse. Once I even caught him chuckling when his abuse had no effect on me. I secretly know that he admired me the most, but of course all that I was was a threat to all that he wasn't. That's why he made me the target of the entire family, even the extended family who suffered from their own family trauma.
When you said that we are little children hoping for the parent that we never had…that hit me! My father is stage four colon cancer, and I’m still waiting. Even in his illness, he won’t admit to being an accomplice to my narc mother’s tyranny, and at this point, I’m sure that he himself is a covert narc. Very sad, and I am so very sorry for anyone that has had the misfortune of being born to these type.
I'm so very sorry, Brittany. When I say that the entire situation is tragic, this is a poignant example of what I mean. My very best to you during this difficult time. But then again, for those of us who experience FSA, much of our life can feel difficult.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse you are so kind, and I thank you so much for using this platform to help. In the magical thinking type of way, I truly believed there would be a reckoning, an apology, or an acknowledgment. No, it’s actually been a doubling down, and greater denial. Now, I will reduce contact, and move away from this to heal.
@@brittanyhunter3331 Kind of like Russia with Ukraine... Same dynamics. With a dash of what Dr. Jennifer Freyd named (as an acronym) DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Hope you read my book as well, it will help you come to terms with what happened to you.
We can only feel great pity for these family members as they remain enablers for life, often due to their own low self esteem. An unexamined life is not worth living.
Just a brief part of my 70 years of abuses, scapegoated and gaslighting. I shared much of my pain and current burdens with someone who I became friends with 2 years ago (in fact she is working on getting her master's degree in psychology). She betrayed and deeply hurt me four times on top of the stresses of being my own defense attorney in a foolish HOA lawsuit and my own plaintiff attorney in an ugly family probate lawsuit. So I shouted (inside my home) ENOUGH! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I'M A BAD, WORTHLESS PERSON! I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ME ANY MORE!!! I'm a good person, so phooey on them. Now, I stay away from any hurtful people and I have more and more peace daily! Plus I listed 25 good things about myself, to remind me of my truth. I love this poem by Edgar A. Guest "Myself" I have to live with myself and so I want to be fit for myself to know. I want to be able as days go by, always to look myself straight in the eye; I don’t want to stand with the setting sun and hate myself for the things I have done. I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf a lot of secrets about myself and fool myself as I come and go into thinking no one else will ever know the kind of person I really am, I don’t want to dress up myself in sham. I want to go out with my head erect I want to deserve all men’s respect; but here in the struggle for fame and wealth I want to be able to like myself. I don’t want to look at myself and know I am bluster and bluff and empty show. I never can hide myself from me; ***I see what others may never see; I know what others may never know, I never can fool myself and so, whatever happens I want to be self respecting and conscience free." This poem is in the public domain.
Beautiful sharing all the way around - And thank you for this poem - wonderful! I plan to do a video on the power of "I don't care" in regard to FSA recovery - It can be very healing and freeing, indeed!
A lot of this stuff is crazy making. I remember my brother would come home and declare vegetarianism as the thing we should all be doing. I'd been a vegetarian for years but nobody cared. When he did it, suddenly it was important. A few weeks later he turned up with a Macdonalds and ditched being a vegetarian and nothing more was said about it. Another bizarre thing is my mother refuses to let me drive her anywhere, despite me being a v safe, experienced driver. She says it's because she's an anxious passenger, yet she let's her golden child my brother drive her. The underlying message is 'you're incapable' to me. It's so damaging to my self confidence and this pattern of behaviour convinced me I was incapable in so many areas when I'm not.
Just frequently remind your brother that your mother flat out refuses your help so he cannot complain or mention you don’t help. He is probably enabling her abuse if you by helping her and dismissing this aspect of her abuse.
This is exactly what my "mother" did to me when I was going through a divorce from my husband. She actually hired a detective to follow me and told that I was having affairs lol but they couldn't get the pictures. Yeah right if I was they would have paid thousands to get the pictures. Thank you for verifying that other people go through this.
I hear stories like this all the time in my therapy and coaching practices. Seems so unbelievable, but those who report these events to me are "reliable reporters" with no reason to lie - including psychologists, judges, teachers, journalists, etc. So, I have no trouble believing this, and so sorry this happened to you in your family.
My mom helped my ex in the divorce too. He went for full custody lol and she was going to watch the kids for him. He didn’t get it. Now he only does one day every two weeks and my mom does the rest of the weekend. One day out of 14 is all he can handle, but he went for full custody. He refuses to take his kids to school even though it’s on the way to his job - which is why we chose the school. He makes me go out of my way “because he didn’t want the divorce, so why should he help me.” The kids and I regularly pass him on the freeway headed to their school. It’s pathetic. That’s who my mom chose over me. They can have each other.
@@mtc-j9i I totally understand your pain. Not a single offer of kindness or love from our "mothers". Its very hard for some people to belvieve. Thank God he answered my prayers or I would still be financially trapped with him.
Your right on TARGET! And yes, even though I owned my own business for 38 years, I thought I was fooling everybody (a fake) when people would compliment me! When I began really healing was when I fully understood that being a scapegoat there was no way of getting back inside a toxic family and that they can only give me misery. I finally cut my family out of my life without telling them and my life feels great ever since I cut ties! I DON'T hear my inner childs voice anymore either so I must be taking good care of her! Before my Auntie passed away (my mothers sister) she called me and said "I'm calling you to tell you I am so proud of you and everything you accomplished in your life, Good job!! So she was aware of how my family treated me. I always wanted to be just like her and told her and thought she was the kindest person to me that I ever knew! Thank goodness my Auntie shared how proud she was of me before she passed away.
When I began to REALLY awaken a few years ago and these subconscious beliefs began to surface there were three things I frequently spoke aloud to myself (and to my Mother on one occasion)... 1) "There's nothing wrong with me!" 2) "I deserve better!" and 3) You were supposed to protect me! 👍💯
Same here. My mum hurts me to the core. She is selfish loves her sons more than me, badmouthed me to make herself look pitiful to my brothers ,until a brother who couldn't stand the lies about me anymore , he revealed to me her behaviour, that was when I felt so devastated as I was the one who financed her holidays over the years , buying her expensive gifts . Her constant dramas were worthy of a Hollywood film. She called me names in front of others . At one stage , I shutdown, refused to speak to her, the grief I felt was so bad that I resorted to not seeing her for a long while. I have since forgiven her. She ended up in a aged home , her sons won't take her in. She begged me to take her in which I refused to preserve my sanity.
I completed my masters thesis and show in studio art. I overheard my aunts talking among themselves about how disgusting they found my artwork and what a waste it was. The underlying theme in that series was early springtime blossoming.
Do your aunts have a masters degree in art? I doubt it. The trouble with toxic, broken souls like that is they mistake their own disgusting reflection in the mirror for how they see others. The beautiful thing about being an accomplished artist is that weighing the random opinions of uneducated others who mean harm is also a great opportunity for self art therapy to break free from codependent people pleasing. No authentic artistic expression should ever be described as disgusting. The title of your art series sounds lovely, I wish I could see it. Signed fellow artist friend.
Wow....all I can say is thank you ever so much for this video! I have experienced all three of the bizarre realities! I am a doctor who never had a graduation party for any of my accomplishments and am constantly told I don't know what I am talking about when I try to help my family. When my husband left me for no reason, my mother told me it was my fault and they stuck up for him and 10 years later she still reminds me that he never loved me. Lastly, when I was young my father told me I was stupid and my mother disregarded any of my accomplishments and was never proud of me....this made me strive to show them I was not stupid! I basically had no contact with them in the last ten years which helped tremendously but now they are close to their nineties I am helping them but it is triggering for me. They are still the same but I have changed! I realize what is going on with them and although I still have my moments I have come to understand it was always them and not me! I also practice a lot of self love. ALL LOVE ALWAYS TO ALL THOSE "scapegoats." Again a HUGE thank you for this video!!!! ❤️
Wow, Debra, you really DO know all three of those experiences - Almost down to the letter, it seems. I know many FSA adult survivors who are free of the family dysfunction now who are rich in healing and self-compassion; nearly all of them have wanted to be there for an ailing, frail, elderly parent - the self-compassion eventually extends itself toward others, in the end. But it certainly can be triggering, so I hope you have plenty of support and are doing a lot of self-care. Glad you're here and hope you have subscribed.
I too excelled in studies - worked through professional jobs .. never a card or a call even.. supported my ex whole heartedly to add to my shame and pain. From my research I knew I am the scapegoat, but these direct examples hit very close to home. Thank you for your love. More love and success to you!
Losing one's desire or need for parental approval is a first step to leaving dysfunctional family members in the rear view mirror . Unfortunately we have to suffer a lot of pain to get to this point .
Well said, Pavla. That is where working with 'parts' comes in - helping these younger parts to accept painful realities - that they were not loved in the way all children should be.
You're so very welcome, Carrie. Yes, you CAN heal. Please read my book if you haven't yet and I also have free articles on my website at scapegoatrecovery.com/blog.
My mother loves putting me down constantly 😩 🙄 😒 that's why no more.... I don't want to see them ever again...my sister was born 8yrs later to hate me...
Bizarre reality #2. Scapegoating by partner to Scapegoats family members. Family members will back and support the abusive spouse. My reality. It’s not funny but all I could do was laugh when I heard this. The extent to which my entire family has gone to side with and back my abusive ex and his mistress against me is unreal. They have even rallied around him and taken part in the abuse of me. This is the first time I have heard it discussed, let alone told it happens often to FSA victims. Thank you for validating the hell that has become my life.
I’m betting divorce lawyers see it plenty. But I was truly not prepared for it. Same thing happened to me 12 years ago - just know you can never trust your family again.
Being validated is so powerful. Thank you so very much for this video. You are so right about the power of knowing one is not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 💜
You are the first person that I have ever heard talk about scapegoating survivors. I knew what a scape goat was and that I have been my family's for over 25 years. This has just opened up a whole new understanding for me. Thanks you!
You're very welcome, Elaine - although I regret I was the one to bear the bad news, you now know what you are needing to recovery from. I encourage you to get my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed - it will fill in many blanks.
My older brother... I have very little contact with him for about 10 years now. It's been very painful to accept that he will never approve of me, respect me in any way. Whatever I do, however I choose to live - it will never ever be good enough. There will always be some blow of shaming me. I'm 51 now and it's only in the last 10 years that I finally have a life I can call my own. I keep contact to a bare minimum for my own sense of peace. You know I message him happy birthday on his birthday every year. I think the last time he bothered with my birthday was in 2012. This year it didn't bother me. I no longer need his approval that he is unable to give.
I can sense the depth of recovery you have. Yes - the shame - hence the title of my book ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'). All FSA adult survivors know this very well, sadly.
I have a graduate degree in behavioral science and am an avid reader, but have been a SAHM. My family thinks everything I say regarding my field of study or anything else is wrong or crazy. They say “Just because you have a degree in ….. you think you’re smarter than everyone else.” I don’t. Or, if I’m having a problem or need help, they say “You have your degree! You have everything you need!” I absolutely cannot win. After they kept communicating with my ex-husband after I asked them not to due to domestic violence legal situation, I got mad because they were not respecting my boundaries. I felt betrayed. I did not even ask them to defend me. I asked them not to answer the phone when he or his lawyer called. I explained why. They still answered and tried to stay neutral. I can’t imagine a parent who would want to communicate with a man who had been violent with his or her daughter.
Yes, my alcoholic, sociopathic Father would say "That girl's got problems!" I was a Software Engineer supporting Army Missile Defense 🤷♀️ My covertly narcissistic Mother gossips about me and defames my character. But, the lives of these two individuals have been far less than stellar. They are like Bonnie and Clyde. But, so charming and manipulative that the community around them adores and nearly idolizes them. In my opinion, they both belong under the jail.
Sounds like you may be from a classic narcissistic family system that scapegoats - Which is a double whammy, if they also are projecting onto you (they may or may not be). I discuss this in part 3 of the Adult Child podcast I am releasing this Wednesday 12/14. Hope you tune in!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseYes, projection is the name of the game - and gaslighting and deflecting. They are delusional in my opinion. Such a terrifying way to grow up. Hope to read your book some day. I am not reading as much of this type of material these days - it's SO heavy. I find it easier to listen/watch in short videos. Don't want to go to that place of utter despair ever again. 🙏💐🎁💐🎁💐🙏💐
How people lead such lives I will never know. My narc brother/tormenter and his wife actually had to leave the state due to tax evasion. They think they are slick and will never get caught. Bonnie & Clyde 😂.
Exactly-- I got NO HELP when I was used and abused financially by my newlywed cheating husband. My furniture vandalized and my belongings thrown out of the house and NO HELP AT ALL from anybody in my family!! - He still lives in the house I remodeled and paid for. I was homeless and he convinced everybody that was what I deserved??
You might relate to this article I wrote awhile back: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
Living this. Horrific. Abandoned, elaborate plot by spouse to cause my demise, I lived and am being destroyed. Everyone siding with the badtard despite my proof. I wouldn't believe my story if I wasn't living it. Hellscape.
Just discovered you and this is my first video of yours to watch. I sought counseling at 37 years old when I eventually had a blow up with my mother while she was yelling at me, and I responded in exasperation to her asking what did it take?? What was that I was supposed to be? And that I couldn’t take it anymore! I was at the end of my rope. So I found counseling and told this woman that I needed to find out from her, an objective outside source, of what was wrong with me because I couldn’t figure it out for myself, and I had desperately tried for 37 years. I needed someone outside of all parties in my life to tell me what that was, because I obviously never got that, I somehow missed it completely, and I needed help in identifying that, then helping me to build the characteristics of what a healthy and desirable person in society is supposed to be. After just two sessions with her she told me she had heard enough and described me as an empty bucket with holes in it. I was completely depleted. It’s been a long journey since then. I am now facing my 60th birthday in a couple of months. At this point, I am realize it will ever really end, though I have a lot more tools to work with than I had at that lowest point in my life. Living with this brought me extreme illness of severe chronic fatigue which took me 8-1/2 years to finally diagnose that the source was my adrenals. They were completely shot from the combination of simultaneous extreme stress from and drive to perform, which of course came with results of what you described. Good news was that I found a way to heal and that process helped me to realize not to ever fall into those destructive traps again. My mother and I did eventually heal in our own way, just a couple of years before she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I cherish those memories during that time and it may sound strange but they are the best I have of her. She never understood why I had to insulate myself from her, which in turn the rest of my birth family and all their associations along with that followed, but she was thankful for what we were able to pick up together and enjoy, as was I, and I knew if I explained to her it would only feel attacking to her and I didn’t want to hurt her. So as she put it, we dropped the baggage right there and left it. I never received the nurturing words or treatment or moral support (I say “moral” because I got to the point that I would be happy if it was even that, not general support) from my mother I had always longed for. But I changed my expectations of her because I accepted she was not capable of giving it. She passed away in October 2020. That day shifted retribution against me from the rest of my birth family through my youngest sibling, as my father exited the room to allow her, along with my closest sibling my brother, along with his wife, to tear into me in a barrage of screaming profanities that I had not endured, well, since the last time my sister had done that which was years before. These are the words she has to me: profanities. I remained silent through the scene because I refused to take part in hateful activity which would bring more harm and absolutely no good. My dad did later have contact with me but he hides that from my sister as she is his caretaker as she was for our mother. He was diagnosed with cancer 7 months ago and is 83 years old. They live 4 hours away. She recently contacted one of my children to see if I could visit him while she and her husband was away vacationing. Of course I went and we had a wonderful visit. I accept the good and I am thankful for it. I have little contact with people outside of my own family which includes my husband and children. They are young adults now and have busy lives. Along with them, my husband and I are preparing for retirement which is a challenge in this present state of our world. For me personally, I maintain peace within me. My husband and I travel to visit our children and celebrate their highlights. I don’t really get out like I used to and have little to no contact with others. I have peace in living this way but I become concerned sometimes if that is truly in my best interest. But some days with not knowing what can happen next, I am not comfortable adding an external addition in maintaining relationships on my plate. And no, I do not discuss this with others, because no one understands, and why should they? Talking about it would make me known as that miserable person, and no one wants to identify as that. So I, and I would imagine that others who live in similar circumstances, keep these things to ourselves. What you offer here is not expected, and definitely not the norm. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing some of your story, Susan. I'm sure many people visiting this channel will relate to much of what you've shared here. You've touched on many of the painful, confusing, and frustrating aspects of FSA that I will speak to in future videos so I hope you will subscribe - Tap the notification bell so you get the alerts that I posted something new.
@Doris Papillon I came across a Rife-type technology therapy called Body Restoration Technique. It was an alternative therapy developed by a brilliant chiropractor, Dr Eric Berg, who now has a successful YT channel. He merged the methods behind chiropractic and acupressure and created this technique. The chiropractor provider that I went to had advanced training from him in his technique. She was able to identify in seconds that the source of my chronic fatigue was my adrenals. They were not operating, and she said I had to come 3X/week to be able to get some momentum behind changing my body in a positive direction. I experienced amazing energy from the first session, but it waned on my drive home. Each session allowed longer periods of energy, until 2 weeks and 6 sessions later, the energy stayed. I continued to go, however, because this condition effected other parts of my health and I was ready to go on to those to reclaim lost health now that I finally had found answers. These treatments were remarkable and life saving for me. However sadly, it is extremely difficult to find this therapy anymore because the FDA attacked Dr Berg about this and fined him $250k for practicing this and prevented him from training providers, advertising, or practicing this again. In turn, even chiropractors who do this are not able to say they do this. However, this was many many years ago and technology advances even in these fields that now take form of types of Rife technology, or lasers, or combinations of these. They usually have deal with healing frequencies and they are effective for most health challenges, diseases, viruses, allergies, specific organ challenges, auto-immune disease, even emotional, and many others. You can find something healing like this if you look. Many chiropractors offer various types of healing modalities. If you look in your area, you will find what you need. It took me 8-1/2 years, but I did. Stay persistent and never give up. You are worth it.
Your life sounds a lot like mine. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue over 20 years ago. I don't share much, even with friends, because they just don't understand. I am perfectly content to stay home with my boyfriend. I left my abusive husband 5 years ago, and cut off my family at the same time. I am so content now. Contentment is definitely underrated.
I think it would kill my mother to give me a compliment. I have literally had my whole life without any positive reinforcement. Mum did the 3 things mentioned here routinely. It's incredibly freeing to hear it happens to others.
I never had any accomplishments. I ran away when I was 15 and was stuck in abusive relationships where I was the breadwinner until I got pregnant. I had no support whatsoever with my children after that so I could continue to work. Recently left a decade long abusive relationship and trying to figure out how to survive with no help still. Its hard.
I’ve been absolutely shocked to experience my family picking my ex as I go through a divorce. They’ve always been so loving and supportive of others when they’ve gone through hard times and it has been very isolating to have them essentially write me off. I’m seeing how the quietness and reserved behaviors publicly by my ex have resulted in people simply not being able to wrap their minds around the idea of him ever harming me. Sadly, my word has meant very little. I am learning to let go of the expectations of them being my support system. This video was very helpful, thank you.
I don't know if this applies to your situation, but it might - read my article on divorcing a covert narcissist: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
Dear God, I knew I wasn’t crazy. I’ve been very stuck in my therapy growth because this same thing happened to me and my husband was scapegoating me too. It was mobbing! Tragically my husband killed himself a few days before our divorce was final. I was blamed for that too. I’m still working on getting unstuck from the horror show.
It is extremely shocking and more painful during the divorce process, I know - had the same or similar painful experience. Very sorry that you had a similar experience. Love and Support for you.
It's really helpful that-at the end you explain what types of feelings and experiences healthy recovery looks like. A lot of scapegoated people have no context of what it should feel like to be healthy and happy in a reasonable context.
I have a bizarre reality. I left home and moved away and had a life very different from the misery my mother told me to expect. I went no contact with my family before it was a thing. When my mother got cancer, I did visit her; she told me I caused it. When she was terminal, my brother told me to come home and be her caretaker like a daughter was supposed to. I refused. I was not willing to give up the life that had been given to me when I believed they just wanted me back in my old role, but I felt guilty, and it did affect my life. I have had breast cancer twice. Once someone told me I had the same problem but did not have to have the same outcome. I will be 80 this week, and I am still here, but I think I have imposter syndrome. I have plans to celebrate my birthday. I don''t expect gifts or anything. People may not come to what I have planned. I will celebrate whatever happens.
Hi Orah, my research on family scapegoating abuse did reveal that many adult survivors experience Impostor Syndrome. Were you able to read my book yet (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed)? I do mention Impostor Syndrome in my book and I plan to eventually do a video on FSA and Impostor Syndrome as well. I'd also like to wish you a splendid Birthday and I hope you celebrate YOU, including your courage and commitment to protecting yourself from further scapegoating abuse.
Every suggestion I make is either dismissed or ignored. Things I've learned through research are scoffed at. I'm not allowed to ever be right. Only the narcissist is allowed to be right.
OMG! This was SO spot-on for me. Every word you said has been my exact experience. The validation you provided in this video is incredibly valuable and cathartic. Thank you so much for the work you do.
Lovely to meet you here - I just subscribed to your channel and may want to connect down the road...And so glad to hear that this reflected (and validated) your experiences. One of the reasons I recently created this channel!
Thank you Rebecca, I am blown away by your work. It is fantastic and so helpful! I am 82 years old, a PhD, a successful author. I did @ 10 years of psychotherapy with an excellent therapist. I’m knowledgeable about Family Systems Theory, but your perspective is totally new to me. But totally relevant!! I have bought and read your book plus watched most of your on-line material. At first I was sceptical. I did not think I was any kind of empath, but your work provoked very deep reflection leading to the conclusion that I am definitely the family empath. But I certainly did not think I had ever suffered FSA. But more reflection led to the conclusion that I did suffer and still suffer FSA and my children are still suffering from it. It’s been like years of psychotherapy in less than a week!!!! Thank you!!!!!
Moira, I am thrilled to see you here on RUclips. I wanted to ask how I can get a copy of your book, which I looked up after you wrote to me on my blog. It looks fascinating - was this your dissertation? And so happy to know that your personal and clinical awareness has expanded and you are able to identify with having suffered from FSA. Another lovely lady in her eighties wrote to me after I first published my FSA book. I will never forget what she said: "Thank you for helping me to understand what happened to me in my family. Although they are now all gone, having a name for what I endured has finally brought me some peace." May this be true for you as well.
Thank you so much for your videos shining light on this important role in dysfunctional family dynamics. I am the youngest of five and shared the SG role with 3rd oldest sister who died in 2011. I had been NC with fam for about 10 yrs when she died and her illness - which I know was the family system that killed her - and we all reunited then. As a therapist I was cautious to be back around them; no one had therapy or awareness of the addictions and narc in the family so no one grew or changed. The honeymoon period lasted about 2 yrs and I tried to get oldest sister - the one given all the power by inept parents - into therapy to address the fam narrative she was allowed to create and all the flying monkeys followed her but shockingly at the last minute she bailed. I was in the Navy for 4 yrs and completed 2 masters and no one congratulated me. No one acknowledged my education accomplishments - part time pre online learning, my undergrad took 10 yrs because I was in the military and had lived in 5 different countries. No one asked which European country I liked the most or anything about my experiences. Now I run a VA Women's Mental Health Clinic and been NC again now about 7+ yrs. The other part to this was my mother and siblings so against my going into mental health. They were very vocal about their thoughts how ridiculous I was when all along it was them being threatened by my differentiation, authenticity, and independence. But to your point the hope to be seen, heard, witnessed, acknowledged, remains even with siblings. It has been so painful to accept that this is way it is and we're getting older now and it will never change. I didn't get a family in this life and it sucks. Again thank you for what you're doing and look forward to continued watching and healing.
Hi Elizabeth, thank you for taking the time to comment. RUclips held your comment for some reason, but I hope you can see it now, and my response. No doubt you strongly related to experiences 1 and 3 in this video. I always say that those of use who end up working in the field of mental health have some extra rocks in our backpack to carry. Therapists stand for open, healthy systems - the opposite of what happens in dysfunctional families that scapegoat. BTW, check out our community board - you will be interested in our subscriber question of the week, which I'll post the answer to tomorrow (Wednesday). Hope you subscribe and I'd love to hear more from you.
This really resonated with me. I was a companionate child to my narcissistic father. At 18 he looked at me as he munched on the sandwiche I had brought him for his lunch and he said in a kindly tone:" Mally, you will never have to worry about being loved for your looks." Within a year I had married an abuser. A sex addict. A sadist. Whom I divorced after 10 years. I raised two kids as a single mother making my goal to be available to pick my kids up after school. I had been a poet and a stay at home mother w no experience in business. I started a health magazine and grossed 75K the first year. With no experience. Just as you say. There was very little acknowledgement of my accomplishment. 30 years latter my father looked at me sadly after my long and moderately successful career and shook his head looking at the ground darkly: "What a pity," he said, again in a kindly tone,"What a real pity you were never able to use your talents in your life!" It is the stuff delivered in the kindly tone that delivers the worst kind of cognitive dissonance.
What an energetic punch in the gut. The kindly tone delivering cruelty. Not sure if you saw my video on empaths and scapegoating - linking it to you here: ruclips.net/video/j2lhgSMiTQw/видео.html
If later in life after clarity we meet people such as these, we would walk away. But, since they're blood relatives, there are different dynamics at play and we are either stuck with them until we are old enough to leave, or, we succumb to societal pressures to remain connected. Me, I'm embracing the peace from no contact more and more. No more to the bizarre realities.
Just today another go around with my 67 year old brother. I don't have a day in my 62 years free of fear, shame and wickedness at times I wish I had never been born. Thank you for the words it was Not your fault. What could I have done wrong at 3 months old? God help them more than us. Such giving over to evil is hard to have compassionforbut knowing what persecution feels like I cannot wish it to the worst and pray God's word, that none should perish but all know the Lord God. Thank Lord God my family lives too far away to have to actually see and call display is a gift. God bless you beautiful scapegoats with all the good you had taken by abully!!!!!!!! Stay loving and kind and you win in the end it is the devil using them to be a#holes.
I'm the scapegoat as I make the others feel inadequate, they can't celebrate my success as it's a constant reminderof their failure. To the point that my mother could not accept that I am a governor at the medical facility where she has been treatment for cancer, my photo and name plaque is on the wall in the entrance foyer. I've come to accept their lives are utterly miserable hence are reduced to lashing out at me. They reappear when they hit rock bottom and I drag them out of the dirt before them start dumping on me again.
Rhonda, you are spot on with your comment. I'm going to do a dedicated video on this. This can particularly be the case when parents that scapegoat an adult child turn their grandchildren against their own parent. I see this often, sadly.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes. It happened to me. I havent seen my adult son in over 2 years now. I was never so shocked in my life as the day he moved out and left a note saying I'd never see him again. A very real part of me died that day. I lost 60 pounds in just a few months and am still very underweight but I'm just beginning to heal again. I at least see more clearly how this happened and how I unintentionally assisted in his conditioning. I was only 14 when I had my son. I was an abused child still very much under my mothers control and abuse. She had way to much influence in my son's formative years. She treated him like the son she always wanted (she had 3 girls) and I was just happy that she loved him. I know now that she didnt love him at all but I'm grown now. I also parented him with a lot of guilt and treated him like a golden child. He is autistic and I over protected and overcompensated while my family criticized my every move in front of him. Well... I'm sure you know how this dynamic is played out. It's ironic and torturous that my only son that I lived and breathed for has joined with my family of origin and blaming me saying that I am abusive. My son lived at home with me until the day he disappeared at age 36. I now see that as unintentional abuse but by no means the type of abuse my family claims. They are accusing me of doing to my son the things they did to me. I honestly cant take any more trauma in this life.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I had to leave my hometown in Arkansas because my rage scared me... If I had run into my mother or one of my sisters at walmart or something after what they've done to me and my son I would end up in jail. I'm not a violent person nor abusive in any way. I'm the opposite to a fault in fact but I had a rage in me that truly scared me. I have been traveling, living in my camper with my 3 dogs ever since. They are all I have left. I love my dogs too much to leave them or I wouldn't be alive today. I'm glad (now) that I'm still alive. I have a purpose and a right to be here and I've been doing a lot of inner child work and learning to love and comfort and validate myself. Ive gotten a lot out of therapy over the years since 2014 when I first went no contact with my family. But what Ivr been doing these past 2 years alone in the woods is more spiritual than anything and I'm certainly not well yet... but I'm starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I wish there were words to Express how much of a help you and your work have been to me. I'm sorry for the long comments lol
I had my first child at 18. My adult son is now 37 with two kids of his own. We've been estranged for 7 years now. Do not know my grandchildren. My son sided with my family too. This is a horrible situation for people like us. I am sorry this happened to you. You are not alone.
yep. My husband disclosed his addictive habits resulting in me having severe betrayal trauma, yet my mother and his mother supported him completely. My mother put him in higher esteem, and his mother is using it as a way to bond with him-even elevating him higher into golden- child status. He grew up as the invisible child, but now she is showering him with her affection because she feels guilty. I'm just out here trying to survive after going no-contact w/mom and trying to make sense of it all.
I hope the Family Systems-research supported approach I use in my book and videos helps you to make better of something that ultimately may seem incomprehensible.
New to your channel. I was the scapegoat or invisible. Until NM needed a scapegoat. Started my healing journey at age sixty three. IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT Thank you Peace 💕🇺🇲
The last confrontation I had with my cover narcissistic mother precisely involved her actively minimizing me and my achievements. I am a tenured professor at one of the world's most prestigious universities, and when I went home I met with the head of a local university. After the meeting she says "you should be thankful, he is an important man and he agreed to make time for you." I was puzzled. I said "sure, but I'm important too!" She says "no, you're not as important as him." Then she looks at my father and says "this guy has a big head doesn't he." I told her " a normal mother would celebrate and even aggrandize her child's success, but you're not normal." I went no-contact only a few months later. Best decision ever. I'm happy to hear this deliberate trivialization of the scapegoat's success is not just something that happens to me.
Also, speaking of imposter syndrome, every time I came home from school with a trophy or a medal, my nmom would laugh and say: "you are the only one I know who can win trophies without doing anything."I have a ton of these examples. Maybe one day I'll write an autobiography called the bizarre reality of a former scapegoat. I will give you credit for the title :)
I am so very sorry to hear this, Meloney. But you are in the right place - please consider reading my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, if you haven't already. Many find it to be very helpful.
Your work is so important, so validating. I never heard my life described so well, all acknowledged, no denial. My 40ties gone by I decided I was no more the age to take the shit from anyone and let them bully me. I went no contact. I stopped waiting for that magical "sorry, we were wrong to treat you that way". I still hoped to be understood one day, I guess we never stop hoping for the justice. But I'm not waiting anymore. Because, anyway, it would be 40 years too late, so what's the point. These 40 years of being rejected and isolated won't be redeemed.
Truer words were never said. And even if a "repair" attempt of some kind was made toward the FSA target by family members, they would also have to commit sincerely to never engaging in this type of psycho-emotional abuse again. And that's where you usually lose them...
Thank you so much. This is my life. All three have happened to me. It has been devastating. Not only with my family but continues in my work life. It’s so hard to get past this especially if you constantly get knocked down no matter how hard you work. In fact the harder you try, the worse they get. Its weird you develop so much self doubt from years of covert insults and at the same time you know you have at least some talent but fear being successful , because you have been given the “message” that you don’t amount to anything of value or you are not allowed to be more successful than the others. You must always be the one at the bottom. On so many levels they are completely indifferent towards you but still keeping an eye on you to make sure you don’t do anything they perceive as a threat to their own successes. No matter what they say or have done, they take zero accountability and smear your reputation for not taking accountability for the positions you find yourself in and tell you to just get over it or stop playing the victim. You can’t because it never stops.
You sum these dynamics up quite efficiently. I would add that often they do not have any "successes" to protect; hence, plain ol' jealousy can play a part in the scapegoating dynamics at times.
The three hit home! I'm a well-known art critic and my sister was an artist who died in obscurity never ever resorting to me for a review. My mother seemed to ignore my career and when she died I found out she kept stacks of newspaper clippings documenting my achievements. It might have been a weapon for her against her rich and envied frenemy, who clipped the news for her. A few years ago, my two brothers believed the lies of the neighbours who were scapegoating me and that's how I almost never saw my nephew again, since out of shame I would not dare to visit. I have Imposter syndrome. I nearly cried watching this video. Never in my life have I felt so seen. Thank you forever!
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us here. These scenarios are quite real, as attested to by so many who comment here, as well as via my original Family Systems / FSA research.
Exactly.!!! No matter what I have accomplished it is always pointed out to me how it's not quite good enough or how someone else accomplished more. My parents, especially my mother trained my siblings to always treat me in hateful ways.
I h ad to listen to this twice. I have been living this very real hell most of my life. You are right. The people in my life that have done this to me feel no shame in harming innocent people..They seem to get something out of it and have no intention of apolizing or making it right. What a sad mess they make of other peoples lives.
Hi Teresa, I have a video on my home page here on RUclips that discusses why dysfunctional family members are unlikely to ever apologize to the scapegoated child / adult child. It is based on my article here, which I hope you will find helpful. Link to video included: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/08/14/5-reasons-your-family-wont-apologize-for-scapegoating-you/
Such experiences hit home so hard I was crying. I must have subconsciously known about the toxicity of my family as I moved out immediately and high school graduation. Unfortunately I didn't truly understand until my longtime former alcoholic Narcissist Father had already passed, extra trauma experienced by him as I was 4 when parents divorced and was the mini me in looks to my mother, who had no experience of emotional support & therefore none to provide me. I was being cheated on by my husband, who was also engaging in a smear campaign & I was being ghosted by both my family as well as my husbands. I could go on for hours. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I've now have had a breakdown due to additional family members and need help. I'm living with my Cousin and she's still scapegoat me unconsciously along with the rest of my family. I'm so emotionally distressed I've been diagnosed with major depression disorder, anxiety and I am also ADHD... I've had good and bad therapists... However I am not working, no health insurance ect, and I'm realizing i always seem to put on my game face when I do see a therapist. Any suggestions for assistance for therapy and how to show & share my true emotions with a therapist, since I revert back to what Dad taught me. Game face never let anyone see you sweat . Thank you for giving me a voice and a tribe of my own that understands the truth. Your awesome.
Happy to have you here. You have had a difficult life - and so much scapegoating - such struggles you have endured. I am not able to provide individual guidance on this channel, as noted in my disclaimer, but I can refer you to my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', where I list treatment pathways and resources for FSA adult survivors. I also have free articles on my blog at scapegoatrecovery.com/blog. Do not give up hope that help is available - you may have to knock on a few more doors, but my book will give you some ideas of what doors to knock on. I would also suggest that you be assessed for complex trauma symptoms, as many people who experience FSA have C-PTSD.
So true. When I finally confronted my father and asked him why he didn’t step in and stop the abuse (I was an adult, just got divorced and my narc mother and ex joined forces against me and tried to drive a wedge between my son and I ) all he said with a shrug was “I have to live with her”. I went NC but still live under the shadow of that abuse and hatred. It’s difficult to uncover who you really are after a lifetime of a personality that was nothing more than survival mode. I never got to be me .. never loved or respected. Having to learn to love myself is a hard road
Hi Sharon, you may want to watch the video I released this past Saturday (5/13) on toxic shame and scapegoating. I discuss briefly 'the complicity of silence'. Which supports and contributes this form of psycho-emotional abuse.
At a family function I told my mom about my promotion to Director(I have a master's and work in the medical field) she harshly told me to be quiet because my brother (the golden child) was working on a puzzle (an easter child's puzzle). We were both in our 40's. Later that year I finally went no contact with the lot of them. Best decision ever.
My first husband turned out to be a pedophile and my golden child sister decided to take his side. My parents even pushed me and my two under 5 children back to him! In the end my aunt got me to a good lawyer and it went to high court in central London...
I mentioned this in my last video Saturday on the Cry for Help response - Many scapegoated family members DO end up in court. They often win their case. They are NOT 'telling tales' or making things up. The abuses I speak of in my work on FSA are REAL.
I'm glad to watch these videos , and believe it is what use to plague me . I achieved some small success now and so " came away " from the shame and total lack of self worth that I indulged in for most of my life . A recent visit from my brother ( all family is involved ) confirmed my suspicion as no comment was made about a beautiful boat I built, but instead was harrassed over my lack of his brand of beer . For hours . As stated , I feel that I've moved beyond this poison, but it use to prevent me from working on my own because ,I would be so angry at my family I couldn't get anything done . Toxic memory owned me . Thanks for your help.
@@taraarrington2285 It is similar to a shared psychosis - but not diagnosably so. But it is an accurate way of describing the distorted reality that is adopted by the entire family system (or social system) as they project their unconscious 'disowned parts' (shadow) onto the individual or the collective (racism would be an example of the latter - the deluded belief that a race can be inferior due to how much melanoma is in their skin).
Achievements ignored, siding with ex, no matter what I’ve done it wasn’t good enough, yep, experienced all of this. Thank you for the reminder I am not alone! I’m grieving so much right now but relieved at the same time as I never deserved this.
The grieving is the step that often inadvertently gets skipped when it comes to parental abuse. When an adult survival is able to grieve - and grieve fully - as well as acknowledge any feelings of injustice and 'righteous rage' - they are on their way to a state of 'radical acceptance' - and deep healing will be possible. I hope you are currently able to embrace your grief, for this reason.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much! I so need to remind myself that it’s ok to grieve. I’m not being “negative and stuck in the past” but finally grieving what I have been avoiding looking at my entire life.
You had mentioned children whose broken bones were denied and medical attention delayed- I had thought that was something unique to me. My family insisted my swollen arm and uncontrollable crying (I was 6) were just attention-seeking behavior.
I was actually surprised myself when I saw my FSA research results. This happens quite often, and it has happened to many of my scapegoated therapy and coaching clients as well.
*BIZARRE* I live in a different State than my adult children. My daughter got engaged. My sister had a party for her and had no intention of telling me. Of course my daughter told me beforehand, and afterwards sent me pictures. The engagement party looked like a Wedding !! When I called my sister to thank her, she wouldn’t take my call. If she wasn’t scapegoating me, she would’ve told me, and invited me to come and stay at her house. I thought when I moved she’d be completely out of my life. NOPE !! She’s still finding ways to hurt me. I That’s only one of my bizzare example.
Thank you so very much!! I thought I was alone or crazy. You’ve validated my life’s experiences. I never knew there were people in this world that would/could do such horrific damage to another’s life. They took everything; even my children. I am no contact and will remain this way. I have peace now.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse You’re right. I’m 72 now; it all goes back to my earliest memories. Truly sick parents covertly controlling my entire life until 2014. I’ve been putting puzzle pieces together ever since being discarded by all including a smear campaign throughout. Thank you again for validating my puzzle. I’m blown away to find these pieces and where they have lead me. Unbelievable! ❤️🌈🍀
Speaking of puzzle pieces: Do read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', if you haven't yet. Many people write me to tell me it filled in MANY blanks and gaps in their understanding of what happened to them in their family...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I purchased your book this morning. I read about a quarter of it; had to curl up in my safe place; took a two hour nap; VALIDATION PLUS! 😭. Thank you!!
I would also add that toxic family members actively try to sabotage you behind your back. So not only do they refuse to acknowledge your accomplishments, they make sure you don’t have accomplishments to be acknowledged ( within their power of influence). I have an Evil Triad in my family: mother, sister, a brother. My sister actually enjoys watching me fail, being bullied, watching me crumble into tears. You can’t wipe the grin of delight off her face. She will acknowledge what’s she’s doing when confronted but couldn’t care less. I’ve even witnessed her having an orgasm (think of When Harry met Sally) when she saw a neighbour embarrassing me in public. These 3 even pushed my oldest brother to attempt suicide. The fact he lived is a miracle. My sister has tried to kill 2 of us that I know of just out of jealousy. No one can emphasize enough how evil these ppl are.
OMG This is the one and only time you’ve made me cry! I try and be strong but this video hit me like a freight train. I’ve been a nurse and midwife for 27 years yet they go to my golden child sister who is a cleaner for health advice! You really couldn’t make this shit up could you? Thank you Rebecca. This video was a little slice of heaven for me.
I have been working very hard to overcome borderline personality disorder for the past 2 1/2 years since my diagnosis at age 50. I took full responsibility for my actions in the past that were influenced by it. I struggle very much in my life because of it and I am in a low socioeconomic category because of the pain I have been in all my life. My family doesn't even acknowledge my amazing progress, which I've made completely on my own without any help besides awesome RUclips videos like this and a very kind therapist. No wonder I have been feeling like I must not be making progress, it must all be in my head. I've been thinking that I must deserve to be ignored and watch everyone else have reunions without me. The worthlessness has completely saturated me. Thank you for this video and for all of your videos because now I know I can start to heal and now I know that I deserve better.
Feeling Alone Is One Of My Biggest Problems. So Anything That Can Address That In Anyway Is Helpful. I'm Trying Daily To Recognise Similarity In My Story With Others Story's. Really Hard Work.
I commend you, John, for breaking out of the isolation, which often is due to toxic shame. Glad you're here - and you may find my book helpful, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. You are definitely not alone!
Love your video 🙏🏾 Everything you said is correct! I went no contact 20 years ago and - have not looked back, and I’ve had therapy, from a scapegoat specialist. Thank you.
Hi Debra, this means a lot to me. I was not at all expecting to find so many people interested in my work on FSA here on YT, so I thank you (and everyone here in our growing community) as well!
Thank you Rebecca. Your book, articles and this channel are the most helpful resource I have found alongside therapy. You have such insight and wisdom and speak from the heart. My experiences echo your examples but with a twist: my marriage is strong and healthy but that’s not acknowledged. My ex employer was a toxic bully but my decision to leave was not supported by my Mum. It wasn’t overtly criticised, just not supported. I always get this sense it’s me when she doesn’t give me the support I (used to) look for and self doubt is an ongoing battle. I am learning to parent my inner child and ALSO know it’s ok to reach out to others for support when I need it. My job as a maths tutor means changing childrens’ perceptions of themselves, celebrating them and building trust (which also goes unacknowledged by my Mum). Watching your video made me realise my work is about giving children what I didn’t have and that it’s helping me heal. I wonder if a lot of scapegoats actually achieve highly partly because we are trying to disprove this notion that we are on some level bad? I would love to hear more about very subtle psychological/emotional abuse. I find I am very prone to tell myself I don’t belong to the scapegoat role or narcissistic abuse etc if I hear anything that is more overt than what I experienced (and still experiencing). My Dad is a narcissist and it’s easier to identify his abuse. My Mum was a passive enabler and now subtly gas lights me and denies everything even though she left him years ago. Thanks again.
Hi Eleanor, thank you for sharing some of your story here. In one of the first articles I published about my FSA research, I called it a most "subtle and insidious" form of 'invisible' (psycho-emotional) abuse. So you are spot-on there. Your story mirrors the stories of many, many people in my clinical practice and those of my research respondents - and my own. I will definitely be doing videos on the insidious and subtle aspects of FSA, and if you haven't already, my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' will no doubt help you understand what happened to you in your family even better. And yes, I can say without a doubt many FSA adult survivors are high achievers. It is also a way of avoiding feeling the trauma of what happened - to be busy, striving, and pushing forward - for some, they are always "on the run." It can be a form of 'flight' response if one has complex trauma, but this type of survivor certainly gets a lot done! Make sure you subscribe and tap the notification bell so you are notified when my new videos come out. I will definitely talk about all of this, at length, as I can.
Thank you, it’s so heartening to be validated as being ‘worthy’ of this community (rather than succumbing to the minimising and dismissal). Your book was life changing for me and I am going to read it again! Thanks again.
- My mother invited my abuser (my bullying, actually later diagnosed psychologically ill, sadistic French host sister) to stay with them in return and expected me to welcome her and be kind. And this wasn’t the only bully she actively invited and defended. She even kept a babysitter who was cruel and physically abusive. - I was singing a difficult duet with a friend, we had so much fun and were happy. I was a girl and it was the first time my voice carried and had natural vibrato - my mother listened with a frown and told me not to sing so professionally. You will make your friend feel bad, she said. He was singing as well and with as much heart as I did, so it was ridiculous, but it shut me up and stopped our singing nevertheless. - She tried to keep me from visiting my father at the hospital when he was treated for cancer. And she visited him only after I went and treated me as if I had gone behind her back and tried to be first with her husband…my father.
Thank you for recommending this particular video. I’m crying but literally feeling the fog lifting. I feel validated. I’ve got work to do, I’m ready to break the cycle.
You're welcome - You might want to check out my Substack where I publish on FSA (and have a community) as well. It's on my resource list here, along with my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Oh yeah whatever I do it's dismissed....I've had my own business and my narc mother abused me for it when I was in my late 40s....cos I didn't run it past them....your not allowed to buy a house or do anything without there permission. I'm the only one of 3 that does what I want. I'm the scapegoat the eldest one....
Kelly, thank you for your comments - Sounds like you related to all of these! I'll be doing more in this series. I hope you subscribe, sounds like you will relate to much of what I discuss here.
However, once the FSA adult survivor unchains themselves from the dysfunction, they have a chance to know freedom and liberation in a way that their family members who remain unconscious to the dynamics that entrap them ever will.
Oh wow this is right on. Thanks heavens people can be this honest. The experience is off the charts challenging, saddening, and isolating. Especially with gaslighting and utterly odd mind games. From mom no less. Mom has to look like a good mother at all costs. Which means as a daughter, I got in trouble, a lot. There were always threats as to how I’d survive without the epic generosity of (cnpd) motherhood. The only time my talents count at all, are when I can help her, although my talents still don’t really count to her. I’d say I don’t count to her, but I think her me is an idea she has created from a broken soul complex or some twisted lack of self worth. I don’t know. It’s hard to discover the love wasn’t real to begin with. The duress is a form of harm. The cortisol overload is a form of harm. The slander, isolation trickery, and gaslighting as well as diminishment velocities are all harmful. The having to counsel the daylights out of yourself is costly as we could be doing other meaningful enjoyable progressive skills also. I’m not allowed to feel strong confident or interesting because I’d pose a threat to her anyone relationship plans. It’s unbelievable to recognize my moms idea of me is worse than mine of cleaning the toilet. But WE are suppose to be sweet peaceful smart accomplished adults. We, except for the Wierd thing called me she holds over the …do you mind, like an umbrella. Mom has not one inkling of asking about me authentically, but she can tell what she knows!! Behind my back. I’m too much and never enough and always due to submit, even if she did something unkind, she will immediately gaslight turn the table so I’m to feel the stress. I think it’s because the stress she feels deflects as she is not able to process certain emotions and track the obscurity or obsurdity. She couldn’t apologize if it was for eternal joy on the one request of knowing how it’s relevant to my experience and feelings and voice. She also can’t do the math and figure out which one of us has, how often, for what reason, instinct, feelings, concerns… it’s shockingly simple math. Perhaps I should kiss frogs, wear pumpkin vehicles and mop the basement of palaces till I am light as a cobweb. I could sing, we’re such good people, moms the greatest person, we we we all the way home. Then there’s the chorus.
Your writing style - the rhythm and cadence, along with the concepts and experiences you rapidly convey - is breathtaking. Regarding this that you write, " Mom has not one inkling of asking about me authentically, but she can tell what she knows!! Behind my back." Classic. Yes, behind one's back. Right next to the knife they have already thrusted in.
I appreciate this so much, can you make a video telling the inverse where you actually internalized the scapegoat identity to survive and it inhibits your life and you can never accomplish much because of impostor syndrome and self sabotage, I've been so depressed most of my life that this has debilitated my life and fills me with that much more shame and sort of validates what my family says and thinks about me.
Hi Janiece, yes, I can. I hope you will also read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. I have a chapter in there on 'Toxic Shame' - this is unconscious shame that can be debilitating life-long when unaddressed. It goes along with impostor syndrome. And I do hope you will subscribe - I appreciate the topic suggestions from viewers very much.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Your book is phenomenal and helped me crawl out of this rut in my 50's, I found a very helpful support group on Facebook last year, I have subscribed and share from your website, I was so happy to find you on RUclips, the group owner often shares from your book, Thank you for the validating and important work that you do, I'm just trying to get my life together in my 50's after going NC 14 months ago and I want to help & support others as well so they don't spend a lifetime spinning their wheels as I have and getting to their 50's with so much to overcome.
@@janiececooper6758 So sorry, only now just saw your reply - and now I don't even see your reply from 2 weeks ago, weird! I'm happy to hear my book helped you and that others are getting something out of it as well. It is NEVER too late to recovery from FSA. I hear from people in their eighties that the psycho-education in my book helped them understand what happened to them in their family and gave them some well-deserved peace.
You're welcome. You may want to subscribe to my Substack Newsletter as well (free - paid subscribers can access private community features): familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about
Came back to watch this video again. The last story makes me think of my daughter who is a professional ballerina. Exacting clean technique is mandatory to achieve the professional level, as I would imagine it would be as well for opera, so I can imagine. My daughter is demanding of herself and at her professional status my role changed because I tell her I cannot advise her at this level as I could when she was growing up. Then, I sought the best for her classical training. Those instructors and coaches during her growing years would share with me the status of her training development. I am now removed from that, as she is on her own to achieve and be successful in her career. I remind her to be kind to herself because her high expectations can be hard. I know of professionals who developed auto immune diseases under the strain of pressure to perform in these extreme competitive circumstances. I tell my daughter that she needs to take care of herself as her “facility” (her body), as they term it in professional ballet, is her instrument. Her body is her career. Injuries and illnesses end the ballet quest just about every time; it typically is not by the dancer’s choice. I am thankful at this point to be able to be in a position that I unable to advise and instead simply let her know that she presented her breathtakingly beautiful aesthetic for her appreciative audience. I add however in her extraordinary accomplishment of becoming a professional (which the percentages of doing so far surpass those of becoming a professional football player - everyone is shocked at that statistic), my birth family ho hums at this and do not see her performances. We used to invite them for every performance (only about 3/year) when my girls were growing up, which I paid for all tickets and some great expense to our family, and some of those ended being no shows without even a phone call of why they didn’t come after all after they said they would and I paid for $150 tickets per person. No word, and I knew not to ask. Thankfully my daughters did not dwell on it and seemed to move on to the next thing in their kid lives. I don’t know if that was where they really were inside, or if they always wondered and even were hurt by it, but I dared not ask. This older daughter now lives in another state for her job and we travel to see her in her performances. I know how hard she has worked all her life to achieve what others also wanted but few were able to, because it requires as much mental and emotional fortitude as it does the technical and physical training. Btw I ordered your book today! I ordered the more durable hard back.
The fact that her parents were there will overshadow the grandparents being MIA. I think children are initially confused by the grandparents being a no-show and sometimes hurt, but typically not as hurt and confused as their parent feels regarding the lack of interest their own parents exhibit toward their grandchild's accomplishments (you, perhaps, in this case)! Again, this came up often in my research on FSA.
Spot on - am a licensed therapist and I have been brutally scapegoated - really started happening after my dad died. My mom led the attacks in a very passive way. I have done a lot of performing as a vocal musician. They did not believe me when I left an abusive marriage. And now my son's wife has scapegoated me since she joined our family. I have been mobbed by people including "friends" that came to my other son's wedding and shamed me because my son and his wife have refused to see me and have kept my grandchildren from me over petty grievances. Her being threatened by my love for my grandchildren. She love bombs and then drops people and I was on the receiving end. These 'friends" that I haven't seen in years and are in contact with my son were blaming me at my son's wedding and didn't want to hear my side. Couldn't wait to dig into me as soon as they saw me. I was in shock.
Lovely to have you here, Lauren - I love having so many therapists here on my channel. I also am a singer (lyrical Soprano/Coloratura)! Yes, these things really happen. Been there myself and my clinical work and research on what I ended up naming 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) validates these experiences. Linking you to a playlist with clinical emphasis - also, my survivor resource list. Playlist: ruclips.net/p/PLXSLEoZOeKOEoeIx75TNU59TjSc2YHo7W&si=jBET89pqYLIzFm40 Resource list: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you Rebecca - oh wow - I am a Soprano as well! Your work has been so helpful to me and really has helped me identify what has been happening. Also helped with my sanity!
So eye-opening. I hope more therapists will learn about FSA. This is a very specific type of family dysfunction. It's great to have it explained with examples in this video.
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Thank you for showing me the dilemma I’ve been going through all my life. Never quite could understand of what to call this lifetime situation I’ve been going through.
@@GoldenSheenObsidan You are most welcome - I hope you will subscribe to this new channel; my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', will also be very helpful if you haven't yet read it.
I read the whole thing in one sitting and then came right here to look at the videos. Thank you so much
@@BlueCollarAstrologer I'm glad you were able to read my book - and that you found your way here. I hope you subscribe - there'a more to come! And - you're welcome!
I just ordered your book Rebecca 💐
It’s funny how the narc family members have this narrative of me being mentally unstable when I’m the healthiest family member of all. The rest are their minions & flying monkeys who are also unwell. Scapegoats truly are the healthiest family member. We seek help and we seek to understand. We embrace truth. Most of us have high integrity too.
I address this dynamic in my book in the chapter on the family Empath.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 💚
This is so true!!!
Somebody once said to me not to worry, as all the accusations against my person, is in reality accusations against themselves which I find to be correct. Just one simple example is, the accusations I received, about crimes I should have committed during WW2 and, as I was born in 1960, such accusations can only come from a disturbed mind..
By now, I am more than happy to have left....I "only" wish my former families would have stayed far away from my identity instead of abusing and stealing from it, as this is what will now send these former family members and their religious flying monkeys through the International courts..😪
So much hate (against themselves) is unbearable 😰
You and I (all us scape goats) can heal to a certain degree but, the scars will be there forever! Will they ever realise how much harm they've done? I strongly doubt...sadly 😰
Spot on. Thank you. I am now an older woman, parents deceased, but as you know, it does not matter. All that hurt and trauma is still in there. It helps to hear someone validate what we feel.
It is my pleasure to do so - and I will keep doing so, until there is nothing more I have to say. And that will be awhile.
External validation is crucial. Ty
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Finding your videos has already allowed a SMALL part of me to see some irony, if not yet humor. You are a literal Godsend to so many. KEEP TALKING PLEASE!
In my experience, people die but the memories of their scapegoating and other ill behaviors- even not trying to stop any abuse - remain with us. Validation surely helps. Wish you peace and healing.
💯💯💯
I'm Canadian painter Denise LaFrance. 30+ years, this is my career. Painted for many famous people. My toxic parents' response? They commanded me on more than one occasion to *_"Stop that stupid painting. Nobody cares about your silly paintings."_*
Meanwhile, I've got Harry Dean Stanton calling the house...
End result? I refused to quit painting and narc Mom & Dad DISINHERITED me as *_punishment_* for continuing to be a painter.
Your experience certainly qualifies as 'bizarre'. Mind-bending, indeed. You stayed true to yourself, your gifts, and your art. That is priceless and something no-one can ever take from you.
Way to go ❤ good for you. I'm proud of you and I'm a complete stranger who understands 💛 also an artist 🎨 my hard work would often be thrown out at the end of the school year. Still we Rise ✨️
From one painter to another. Paint on and on and on and....... i would love to view your work.
Yep. When I finally divorced my Ex not only did my sibling (who was the ringleader in our family) side with him she also took over hosting all family functions and invited him to them and told me I could not attend. And no one (not one) person in my family said anything . I finally ended up “divorcing” my entire family. Best decision I ever made.
It really is 'bizarre', isn't it?(!) I have a couple of articles about this on my blog, this one and one entitle 'When your family sides with your ex' (you can use the search function on my blog to find it): www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/01/07/darvo-when-the-abused-are-revictimized-by-their-abuser/
That is terrible . I’m sorry about that
I am so very sorry. My situation was not so blatant but clearly my family supported my ex and saw me as the problem.
This is so insane.. I will never be able to comprehend this!
True. When I got my doctorate, nobody bothered to attend my graduation and my family ignored me when I returned. Even after 20 years of practice and being recognized by my peers for excellence, my dad told me that his girlfriend's granddaughter's masters was a bigger degree than my doctorate. The lengths he goes to to invalidate me are spectacular. And this one made for a good laugh, which I did right in his face.
Seems a few of us can relate to this particular 'bizarre' reality. I know this one personally, and it's a mind-bender.
Yes! This! When I graduated college my family didn’t attend. Graduated Summa Cum Laud, and it would have been a 4 hour drive for them to attend. A couple years later they all drove 2 hours to attend my golden child sister’s college graduation. In fact, Mom instructed everyone to bring her a dozen roses so that she would have an overflowing armload of flowers to carry! I was lucky to find the most loving, supportive husband. We have a great life together that does not include my family anymore.
It still breaks my heart to recall that my own parents did not attend my high school graduation. I was a good student, but was conditioned to not expect anything from them. I remember asking my mother if she was going to attend. She just laid in bed and ignored me as if I wasn't talking to her. I took the bus there on my own and came home alone. My parents said absolutely nothing to me about it afterwards. But indeed they did not miss my pregnant older sister's and younger sister's high school graduation. I went on to complete 2 higher degrees with not much acknowledgement from my family. But it's the high school experience that really saddens me the most. I don't think I can ever reconcile that. My parents are both deceased now and I am still the family scapegoat. It's such a mind boggling life to be scapegoated by your own family because they never just come right out and tell you why they hate you so much. They just show you, but never tell you.🤔
Me too.
@@jenniferboyd6556 good move, don't let up your wise decision of no contact no matter what, because, these people are rather shameless could sneak back into your life. Nevertheless, learn to Forgive and let go.
It hits hard when it’s your mom who says it. “She’s just doing it for attention.” Humans need attention.
Thank you so much! 💕
Research has confirmed that children who are neglected fare worse than children who received negative attention - Because negative attention is still a form of connection. (This is illustrated well in the movie 'Crash', by the way. When unable to connect positively, we humans will 'crash' into each other to connect).
I just wanted to be heard not attention
The dysfunctional family has to convice THEMSELVES, not the scapegoat is worthless. They have to justify this horrible behavior that they have perpetrated since the scapegoat was a little child.
As the last born my entire family had labeled me "spoiled." Because my siblings and I are a generation removed, after age 8 I was raised like an only child. It has taken me 40 years to realize that I'm the family scapegoat and was labeled as "spoiled" for wanting to be held, wanting attention, and for having basic needs. I was even called "spoiled" on social media because I went home for Xmas and my mom made my requested meal! I guess being treated like crap is supposed to be "love" but I'm not accepting that anymore. I've cut ties with and blocked so much of my blood kin in order to heal and build a true family of my choosing.
Indeed, that dynamic can create so much confusion - Sounds like you sorted it out and now see what has actually been going on.
Graduated college last year at 50. No one came to commencement, no card, no congrats. Like a child, when I learned no one was attending, I went to the mailbox daily the week before hoping to see a Congrats card...nothing :( Divorce: yes! They fed my soon-to-be ex all kinds of information! My mother was killed in a car accident when I was 27, about a year after I asked my dad if she was proud of me (I bought a house, had a baby, started college, working full-time and got married), he replied "she thought there's room for improvement". I was the ONLY child out of 5 (the youngest) that never got in trouble with the law or did drugs 🤷♀️
This is heartbreaking. Many FSA adult survivors will often skip the graduation (etc) all together to avoid the pain of no one being interested enough to be present (others must practically force family to attend; sometimes they do, grudgingly). Thank you for sharing some of your FSA story with us.
Wow. What a good observation because I graduate with my associate degree in science next year and I am conflicted on whether I should go or not.😢@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
I relate to a lot of this. When I was 13 I entered 3 drawings in a drawing contest and got 1st place, 2nd place and honorable mention, and when I told my mom she said why didn't you get 3rd also. So I ripped them up and threw them all in the trash including the first place prize. No congratulations or celebration, just diminishment. That was just one of many things. Thankfully, I moved out at 17, worked since I was 12 to save the money to get the hell out, put myself through college (art), moved across country, had my own business for 20 years while going no contact. During that time I had to have 12 years of therapy, and 6 years of alanon just to get back to neutral. I'm in a much better space, but the wounds still have scars and I wonder what my life could have been if I was raised in a loving, healthy and supportive family, instead of one full of dysfunctional narcissistic alcoholics.
If you do well at something, they just raise the bar even higher and say you are still not good enough. Look for validation elsewhere. Don't let them ruin it for you anymore.
The own mom is jealous of her child- it Took me 30 years to understand
The pain of being scapegoated and shunned by the family is a suicidal pain.
It can be, indeed. Please take a look at these resources I have put together for FSA adult survivors. It includes international numbers to speak to someone if you feel suicidal. Recovery and healing IS possible! www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Please never harm yourself. I hope you are healing. ❤
I never realized that I've been the scapegoat in so many relationships.
Birth family, school, friends, boy friends, bosses/ co-workers, neighbors . Seemingly always at fault because of initial childhood training and not being able to stand up for myself.
What a mind blowing realization to see it differently! The years of of abuse are melting away. Just wow! Now I'm seeing all these traumatic experiences from a different perspective. Healing has begun. I am so grateful to FSAE!
Thank you Rebecca for sharing this information with us!
Ignore my other comment, Coco, I see this comment here now. You might want to get Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma', which will help you determine if you might have complex trauma symptoms. I talk about this issue in detail in my book as well and in some of my blog posts on FSA.
Coco- that’s tough- compassion to you. Janina Fisher also has a very good RUclips video based on this book. I watched it, I’ve done loads of “work” I think that helped me also follow the video. Two other very helpful videos shorter videos for me. Deborah Lee. Traumatised brains. Jacob Ham. Trauma & been seen and understood. They are short videos. There’s 1000s of videos on RUclips and it’s very helpful to get good recommendations- including this site.
Compassion to you on your journey into healing which is not linear, but it’s so worth the effort- because we are so worth it and we deserve healing.
If I reply on comments and I am not the first I can’t get my phone to type the @ in blue - so I don’t know if you will see this comment. Also don’t know how to share the link clips mentioned- they are easy enough to find. Also finally for any woman out there reading this who has or is experimenting “intimate partner abuse” I very highly recommend “ Steps to Freedom “ by Don Hennessy- also as it’s a book one will most likely keep private, if it’s covered with nice wrapping paper, it then looks like a notebook…Peace & Health to you all.
Me too. Scapegoated in every friendship group, always at the bottom of the hierarchy with a narcissist at the top and henchwomen and followers backing her up. It makes you feel insane until you see the pattern.
My mother did not want ..me to do or have anything better than her
My mother talks well of me and my accomplishments to others (I’m told all the time), but has never told me those things. Instead, I get her anger and resentment. She loves to make me feel like I’m putting on airs, stuck up. My sibs make me feel the same way. I learned at a young age to live “under a bushel basket”, not talk about what I do/accomplish, etc. I was so fortunate to have a Grandmother who loved me, could “see” me, encouraged me to be myself & be a success. She was healthy in every way my mother was not. She was also bold and put people in their place within the family when I got abused. I miss her to this day. But she’s the reason I’m not shaken at the core when I’m scapegoated by my family. Deep down I’m healthy too. Thanks for articulating the many things I’ve known but never saw laid out so accurately. The book speaks to me.
What a blessing - that you had a loving grandmother. I've had some clients share that their parent expressed pride about their accomplishments to others, but never to their face. Sometimes this is cultural - I see this often with clients raised in Ireland, for example. Yet another topic for me to cover in future - the cultural considerations we must explore clinically when working with our FSA adult survivor clients.
I saw directors dvd cut of Angela’s Ashes film. Frank McCourt the author of the book gave insight during the movie. He remarked it was when his Aunt took him to buy him a suit it was then he felt she was proud of him and felt his love, as she had never told him he was loved or proud of him. His insight of his family and even the area he lived in did not openly express how they felt. It was only when he got the suit he knew she thought highly of him and miss him when he left
@@teresarohlin1859 Poignant and powerful. Thank you.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thus did happen to me at times, but the only positive words he spoke of me were, "She's a good girl," and "She's smart." I know good girl meant that I took care of his needs, especially in the final years of his life. I also know that smart meant that he knew I had figured him out and that is why he stepped up the abuse. Once I even caught him chuckling when his abuse had no effect on me. I secretly know that he admired me the most, but of course all that I was was a threat to all that he wasn't. That's why he made me the target of the entire family, even the extended family who suffered from their own family trauma.
I'm healthy thanks to my grandmother too. Grannies are saviors at times.
"hoping we will, one day, have the parent that any child deserves to have". Hardest thing to let go of. :(
When you said that we are little children hoping for the parent that we never had…that hit me! My father is stage four colon cancer, and I’m still waiting. Even in his illness, he won’t admit to being an accomplice to my narc mother’s tyranny, and at this point, I’m sure that he himself is a covert narc. Very sad, and I am so very sorry for anyone that has had the misfortune of being born to these type.
I'm so very sorry, Brittany. When I say that the entire situation is tragic, this is a poignant example of what I mean. My very best to you during this difficult time. But then again, for those of us who experience FSA, much of our life can feel difficult.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse you are so kind, and I thank you so much for using this platform to help. In the magical thinking type of way, I truly believed there would be a reckoning, an apology, or an acknowledgment. No, it’s actually been a doubling down, and greater denial. Now, I will reduce contact, and move away from this to heal.
@@brittanyhunter3331 Kind of like Russia with Ukraine... Same dynamics. With a dash of what Dr. Jennifer Freyd named (as an acronym) DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Hope you read my book as well, it will help you come to terms with what happened to you.
We can only feel great pity for these family members as they remain enablers for life, often due to their own low self esteem. An unexamined life is not worth living.
So accurate! Credentials hanging on my office wall yet “they don’t exist”
Yep. Any reality that challenges what I call 'the scapegoat narrative' is simply and conveniently blotted out.
Just a brief part of my 70 years of abuses, scapegoated and gaslighting. I shared much of my pain and current burdens with someone who I became friends with 2 years ago (in fact she is working on getting her master's degree in psychology). She betrayed and deeply hurt me four times on top of the stresses of being my own defense attorney in a foolish HOA lawsuit and my own plaintiff attorney in an ugly family probate lawsuit.
So I shouted (inside my home) ENOUGH!
I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I'M A BAD, WORTHLESS PERSON! I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ME ANY MORE!!!
I'm a good person, so phooey on them. Now, I stay away from any hurtful people and I have more and more peace daily! Plus I listed 25 good things about myself, to remind me of my truth.
I love this poem by Edgar A. Guest
"Myself"
I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able as days go by,
always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don’t want to stand with the setting sun
and hate myself for the things I have done.
I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf
a lot of secrets about myself
and fool myself as I come and go
into thinking no one else will ever know
the kind of person I really am,
I don’t want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect
I want to deserve all men’s respect;
but here in the struggle for fame and wealth
I want to be able to like myself.
I don’t want to look at myself and know
I am bluster and bluff and empty show.
I never can hide myself from me;
***I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself and so,
whatever happens I want to be
self respecting and conscience free."
This poem is in the public domain.
Thank you x
Beautiful sharing all the way around - And thank you for this poem - wonderful! I plan to do a video on the power of "I don't care" in regard to FSA recovery - It can be very healing and freeing, indeed!
Love the poem - fantastic!
Good for you! You have to appreciate and love yourself. You are worth it!
💗
A lot of this stuff is crazy making. I remember my brother would come home and declare vegetarianism as the thing we should all be doing. I'd been a vegetarian for years but nobody cared. When he did it, suddenly it was important. A few weeks later he turned up with a Macdonalds and ditched being a vegetarian and nothing more was said about it. Another bizarre thing is my mother refuses to let me drive her anywhere, despite me being a v safe, experienced driver. She says it's because she's an anxious passenger, yet she let's her golden child my brother drive her. The underlying message is 'you're incapable' to me. It's so damaging to my self confidence and this pattern of behaviour convinced me I was incapable in so many areas when I'm not.
Hence the title of this video. It is truly 'bizarre', isn't it?
Just frequently remind your brother that your mother flat out refuses your help so he cannot complain or mention you don’t help. He is probably enabling her abuse if you by helping her and dismissing this aspect of her abuse.
This is exactly what my "mother" did to me when I was going through a divorce from my husband. She actually hired a detective to follow me and told that I was having affairs lol but they couldn't get the pictures. Yeah right if I was they would have paid thousands to get the pictures. Thank you for verifying that other people go through this.
I hear stories like this all the time in my therapy and coaching practices. Seems so unbelievable, but those who report these events to me are "reliable reporters" with no reason to lie - including psychologists, judges, teachers, journalists, etc. So, I have no trouble believing this, and so sorry this happened to you in your family.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you
My mom helped my ex in the divorce too. He went for full custody lol and she was going to watch the kids for him. He didn’t get it. Now he only does one day every two weeks and my mom does the rest of the weekend. One day out of 14 is all he can handle, but he went for full custody. He refuses to take his kids to school even though it’s on the way to his job - which is why we chose the school. He makes me go out of my way “because he didn’t want the divorce, so why should he help me.” The kids and I regularly pass him on the freeway headed to their school. It’s pathetic. That’s who my mom chose over me. They can have each other.
@@mtc-j9i I totally understand your pain. Not a single offer of kindness or love from our "mothers". Its very hard for some people to belvieve. Thank God he answered my prayers or I would still be financially trapped with him.
Your right on TARGET! And yes, even though I owned my own business for 38 years, I thought I was fooling everybody (a fake) when people would compliment me! When I began really healing was when I fully understood that being a scapegoat there was no way of getting back inside a toxic family and that they can only give me misery. I finally cut my family out of my life without telling them and my life feels great ever since I cut ties! I DON'T hear my inner childs voice anymore either so I must be taking good care of her! Before my Auntie passed away (my mothers sister) she called me and said "I'm calling you to tell you I am so proud of you and everything you accomplished in your life, Good job!! So she was aware of how my family treated me. I always wanted to be just like her and told her and thought she was the kindest person to me that I ever knew! Thank goodness my Auntie shared how proud she was of me before she passed away.
What a beautiful gesture/gift from your Auntie - Thank you for sharing with us.
My abusive parents always take the side of others who abuse me. It's insane how shocked they are that I don't like or trust them.
There's a reason I say that these family members that scapegoat are living in a distorted reality...
When I began to REALLY awaken a few years ago and these subconscious beliefs began to surface there were three things I frequently spoke aloud to myself (and to my Mother on one occasion)... 1) "There's nothing wrong
with me!" 2) "I deserve better!" and 3) You
were supposed to protect me! 👍💯
Oh my gosh ❤️🌹that resonated. Sending Jedi hugs to you. All the best and much happiness to you.
Same here. My mum hurts me to the core. She is selfish loves her sons more than me, badmouthed me to make herself look pitiful to my brothers ,until a brother who couldn't stand the lies about me anymore , he revealed to me her behaviour, that was when I felt so devastated as I was the one who financed her holidays over the years , buying her expensive gifts . Her constant dramas were worthy of a Hollywood film. She called me names in front of others . At one stage , I shutdown, refused to speak to her, the grief I felt was so bad that I resorted to not seeing her for a long while. I have since forgiven her. She ended up in a aged home , her sons won't take her in. She begged me to take her in which I refused to preserve my sanity.
I completed my masters thesis and show in studio art. I overheard my aunts talking among themselves about how disgusting they found my artwork and what a waste it was. The underlying theme in that series was early springtime blossoming.
That likely felt like a hard kick in the gut.
Do your aunts have a masters degree in art? I doubt it. The trouble with toxic, broken souls like that is they mistake their own disgusting reflection in the mirror for how they see others. The beautiful thing about being an accomplished artist is that weighing the random opinions of uneducated others who mean harm is also a great opportunity for self art therapy to break free from codependent people pleasing. No authentic artistic expression should ever be described as disgusting. The title of your art series sounds lovely, I wish I could see it. Signed fellow artist friend.
Wow
Wow....all I can say is thank you ever so much for this video! I have experienced all three of the bizarre realities! I am a doctor who never had a graduation party for any of my accomplishments and am constantly told I don't know what I am talking about when I try to help my family. When my husband left me for no reason, my mother told me it was my fault and they stuck up for him and 10 years later she still reminds me that he never loved me. Lastly, when I was young my father told me I was stupid and my mother disregarded any of my accomplishments and was never proud of me....this made me strive to show them I was not stupid! I basically had no contact with them in the last ten years which helped tremendously but now they are close to their nineties I am helping them but it is triggering for me. They are still the same but I have changed! I realize what is going on with them and although I still have my moments I have come to understand it was always them and not me! I also practice a lot of self love. ALL LOVE ALWAYS TO ALL THOSE "scapegoats." Again a HUGE thank you for this video!!!! ❤️
Wow, Debra, you really DO know all three of those experiences - Almost down to the letter, it seems. I know many FSA adult survivors who are free of the family dysfunction now who are rich in healing and self-compassion; nearly all of them have wanted to be there for an ailing, frail, elderly parent - the self-compassion eventually extends itself toward others, in the end. But it certainly can be triggering, so I hope you have plenty of support and are doing a lot of self-care. Glad you're here and hope you have subscribed.
I too excelled in studies - worked through professional jobs .. never a card or a call even.. supported my ex whole heartedly to add to my shame and pain. From my research I knew I am the scapegoat, but these direct examples hit very close to home. Thank you for your love. More love and success to you!
Losing one's desire or need for parental approval is a first step to leaving dysfunctional family members in the rear view mirror . Unfortunately we have to suffer a lot of pain to get to this point .
Well said, Pavla. That is where working with 'parts' comes in - helping these younger parts to accept painful realities - that they were not loved in the way all children should be.
I remember being targeted, singled out and left out from a very young age
i've had all 3 of those. took until 57yo to start realising and 60 now. thanks to all the Doctors etc on youtube.
Thank you for addressing toxic shame and giving me some hope I can still heal. I'm 59 years old and still experiencing many of the things mentioned
You're so very welcome, Carrie. Yes, you CAN heal. Please read my book if you haven't yet and I also have free articles on my website at scapegoatrecovery.com/blog.
My mother loves putting me down constantly 😩 🙄 😒 that's why no more....
I don't want to see them ever again...my sister was born 8yrs later to hate me...
FSA is real. The struggle is real. And recovering from it is real, too.
Bizarre reality #2. Scapegoating by partner to Scapegoats family members. Family members will back and support the abusive spouse. My reality. It’s not funny but all I could do was laugh when I heard this. The extent to which my entire family has gone to side with and back my abusive ex and his mistress against me is unreal. They have even rallied around him and taken part in the abuse of me. This is the first time I have heard it discussed, let alone told it happens often to FSA victims. Thank you for validating the hell that has become my life.
I posted my answer under your first comment...
I’m betting divorce lawyers see it plenty. But I was truly not prepared for it. Same thing happened to me 12 years ago - just know you can never trust your family again.
It's weird and validating to read someone else having the same insane experience. I hope you doing ok. Thanks for sharing.
Being validated is so powerful. Thank you so very much for this video. You are so right about the power of knowing one is not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 💜
It helps, doesn't it? We do need each other on this path of awakening, healing, and recovery.
You are the first person that I have ever heard talk about scapegoating survivors. I knew what a scape goat was and that I have been my family's for over 25 years. This has just opened up a whole new understanding for me. Thanks you!
You're very welcome, Elaine - although I regret I was the one to bear the bad news, you now know what you are needing to recovery from. I encourage you to get my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed - it will fill in many blanks.
My older brother... I have very little contact with him for about 10 years now. It's been very painful to accept that he will never approve of me, respect me in any way. Whatever I do, however I choose to live - it will never ever be good enough. There will always be some blow of shaming me. I'm 51 now and it's only in the last 10 years that I finally have a life I can call my own. I keep contact to a bare minimum for my own sense of peace. You know I message him happy birthday on his birthday every year. I think the last time he bothered with my birthday was in 2012. This year it didn't bother me. I no longer need his approval that he is unable to give.
I can sense the depth of recovery you have. Yes - the shame - hence the title of my book ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'). All FSA adult survivors know this very well, sadly.
I have a graduate degree in behavioral science and am an avid reader, but have been a SAHM.
My family thinks everything I say regarding my field of study or anything else is wrong or crazy.
They say “Just because you have a degree in ….. you think you’re smarter than everyone else.” I don’t.
Or, if I’m having a problem or need help, they say “You have your degree! You have everything you need!”
I absolutely cannot win.
After they kept communicating with my ex-husband after I asked them not to due to domestic violence legal situation, I got mad because they were not respecting my boundaries. I felt betrayed.
I did not even ask them to defend me. I asked them not to answer the phone when he or his lawyer called. I explained why. They still answered and tried to stay neutral.
I can’t imagine a parent who would want to communicate with a man who had been violent with his or her daughter.
You are describing the classic 'double bind' situation that dysfunctional families excel at creating. Just added to my list of future video topics!
Yes, my alcoholic, sociopathic Father would say "That girl's got problems!" I was a Software Engineer supporting Army Missile Defense 🤷♀️ My covertly narcissistic Mother gossips about me and defames my character. But, the lives of these two individuals have been far less than stellar. They are like Bonnie and Clyde. But, so charming and manipulative that the community around them adores and nearly idolizes them. In my opinion, they both belong under the jail.
Sounds like you may be from a classic narcissistic family system that scapegoats - Which is a double whammy, if they also are projecting onto you (they may or may not be). I discuss this in part 3 of the Adult Child podcast I am releasing this Wednesday 12/14. Hope you tune in!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseYes, projection is the name of the game - and gaslighting and deflecting. They are delusional in my opinion. Such a terrifying way to grow up. Hope to read your book some day. I am not reading as much of this type of material these days - it's SO heavy. I find it easier to listen/watch in short videos. Don't want to go to that place of utter despair ever again. 🙏💐🎁💐🎁💐🙏💐
How people lead such lives I will never know. My narc brother/tormenter and his wife actually had to leave the state due to tax evasion. They think they are slick and will never get caught. Bonnie & Clyde 😂.
EXACTLY!! ABUSERS ALWAYS STAB YOU EMOTIONALLY OVER AND OVER! OVER KILL!
And they do it all with an assassin's merciless efficiency...
And they can kill you. They can lead you to suicide.
Julius Caesar
🥷🏻 Yeah, it’s always when i’m already in a chronic illness flair up.
Exactly-- I got NO HELP when I was used and abused financially by my newlywed cheating husband. My furniture vandalized and my belongings thrown out of the house and NO HELP AT ALL from anybody in my family!! - He still lives in the house I remodeled and paid for. I was homeless and he convinced everybody that was what I deserved??
You might relate to this article I wrote awhile back: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
Living this. Horrific. Abandoned, elaborate plot by spouse to cause my demise, I lived and am being destroyed. Everyone siding with the badtard despite my proof. I wouldn't believe my story if I wasn't living it. Hellscape.
I am sorry you are going through this but you are definitely in the right place if you are being scapegoated.
Curious how you are doing now? (1 year later). I experienced the same.
Just discovered you and this is my first video of yours to watch. I sought counseling at 37 years old when I eventually had a blow up with my mother while she was yelling at me, and I responded in exasperation to her asking what did it take?? What was that I was supposed to be? And that I couldn’t take it anymore! I was at the end of my rope. So I found counseling and told this woman that I needed to find out from her, an objective outside source, of what was wrong with me because I couldn’t figure it out for myself, and I had desperately tried for 37 years. I needed someone outside of all parties in my life to tell me what that was, because I obviously never got that, I somehow missed it completely, and I needed help in identifying that, then helping me to build the characteristics of what a healthy and desirable person in society is supposed to be. After just two sessions with her she told me she had heard enough and described me as an empty bucket with holes in it. I was completely depleted.
It’s been a long journey since then. I am now facing my 60th birthday in a couple of months. At this point, I am realize it will ever really end, though I have a lot more tools to work with than I had at that lowest point in my life.
Living with this brought me extreme illness of severe chronic fatigue which took me 8-1/2 years to finally diagnose that the source was my adrenals. They were completely shot from the combination of simultaneous extreme stress from and drive to perform, which of course came with results of what you described. Good news was that I found a way to heal and that process helped me to realize not to ever fall into those destructive traps again.
My mother and I did eventually heal in our own way, just a couple of years before she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I cherish those memories during that time and it may sound strange but they are the best I have of her. She never understood why I had to insulate myself from her, which in turn the rest of my birth family and all their associations along with that followed, but she was thankful for what we were able to pick up together and enjoy, as was I, and I knew if I explained to her it would only feel attacking to her and I didn’t want to hurt her. So as she put it, we dropped the baggage right there and left it.
I never received the nurturing words or treatment or moral support (I say “moral” because I got to the point that I would be happy if it was even that, not general support) from my mother I had always longed for. But I changed my expectations of her because I accepted she was not capable of giving it.
She passed away in October 2020. That day shifted retribution against me from the rest of my birth family through my youngest sibling, as my father exited the room to allow her, along with my closest sibling my brother, along with his wife, to tear into me in a barrage of screaming profanities that I had not endured, well, since the last time my sister had done that which was years before. These are the words she has to me: profanities. I remained silent through the scene because I refused to take part in hateful activity which would bring more harm and absolutely no good.
My dad did later have contact with me but he hides that from my sister as she is his caretaker as she was for our mother. He was diagnosed with cancer 7 months ago and is 83 years old. They live 4 hours away. She recently contacted one of my children to see if I could visit him while she and her husband was away vacationing. Of course I went and we had a wonderful visit.
I accept the good and I am thankful for it. I have little contact with people outside of my own family which includes my husband and children. They are young adults now and have busy lives. Along with them, my husband and I are preparing for retirement which is a challenge in this present state of our world.
For me personally, I maintain peace within me. My husband and I travel to visit our children and celebrate their highlights. I don’t really get out like I used to and have little to no contact with others. I have peace in living this way but I become concerned sometimes if that is truly in my best interest. But some days with not knowing what can happen next, I am not comfortable adding an external addition in maintaining relationships on my plate. And no, I do not discuss this with others, because no one understands, and why should they? Talking about it would make me known as that miserable person, and no one wants to identify as that. So I, and I would imagine that others who live in similar circumstances, keep these things to ourselves.
What you offer here is not expected, and definitely not the norm. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing some of your story, Susan. I'm sure many people visiting this channel will relate to much of what you've shared here. You've touched on many of the painful, confusing, and frustrating aspects of FSA that I will speak to in future videos so I hope you will subscribe - Tap the notification bell so you get the alerts that I posted something new.
@Beyond Family Scapegoating Abuse
Absolutely! I had already subscribed while I was watching your video.
I should have let you know.
This is my story in so many ways. How did you heal your adrenals?
@Doris Papillon
I came across a Rife-type technology therapy called Body Restoration Technique. It was an alternative therapy developed by a brilliant chiropractor, Dr Eric Berg, who now has a successful YT channel. He merged the methods behind chiropractic and acupressure and created this technique. The chiropractor provider that I went to had advanced training from him in his technique. She was able to identify in seconds that the source of my chronic fatigue was my adrenals. They were not operating, and she said I had to come 3X/week to be able to get some momentum behind changing my body in a positive direction. I experienced amazing energy from the first session, but it waned on my drive home. Each session allowed longer periods of energy, until 2 weeks and 6 sessions later, the energy stayed. I continued to go, however, because this condition effected other parts of my health and I was ready to go on to those to reclaim lost health now that I finally had found answers. These treatments were remarkable and life saving for me. However sadly, it is extremely difficult to find this therapy anymore because the FDA attacked Dr Berg about this and fined him $250k for practicing this and prevented him from training providers, advertising, or practicing this again. In turn, even chiropractors who do this are not able to say they do this. However, this was many many years ago and technology advances even in these fields that now take form of types of Rife technology, or lasers, or combinations of these. They usually have deal with healing frequencies and they are effective for most health challenges, diseases, viruses, allergies, specific organ challenges, auto-immune disease, even emotional, and many others. You can find something healing like this if you look. Many chiropractors offer various types of healing modalities. If you look in your area, you will find what you need. It took me 8-1/2 years, but I did. Stay persistent and never give up. You are worth it.
Your life sounds a lot like mine. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue over 20 years ago. I don't share much, even with friends, because they just don't understand. I am perfectly content to stay home with my boyfriend. I left my abusive husband 5 years ago, and cut off my family at the same time. I am so content now. Contentment is definitely underrated.
I think it would kill my mother to give me a compliment. I have literally had my whole life without any positive reinforcement. Mum did the 3 things mentioned here routinely. It's incredibly freeing to hear it happens to others.
So many FSA adult survivors relate to these three things, sadly.
I never had any accomplishments. I ran away when I was 15 and was stuck in abusive relationships where I was the breadwinner until I got pregnant. I had no support whatsoever with my children after that so I could continue to work. Recently left a decade long abusive relationship and trying to figure out how to survive with no help still. Its hard.
It is hard, indeed. I celebrate your choosing your mental and emotional health and leaving that abusive relationship.
RUclips has great free resources.
You’re really good at understanding these dynamics and so compassionate 🥰
So glad you are here, Kerry, and thank you. I encourage you to subscribe if you haven't already done so!
I’ve been absolutely shocked to experience my family picking my ex as I go through a divorce. They’ve always been so loving and supportive of others when they’ve gone through hard times and it has been very isolating to have them essentially write me off. I’m seeing how the quietness and reserved behaviors publicly by my ex have resulted in people simply not being able to wrap their minds around the idea of him ever harming me. Sadly, my word has meant very little. I am learning to let go of the expectations of them being my support system. This video was very helpful, thank you.
I don't know if this applies to your situation, but it might - read my article on divorcing a covert narcissist: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse That article is how I found your channel. Thank you! I've shared it. Very helpful.
@@jipsyfroud5415 Hi a very helpful book is “Steps to Freedom” by Don Hennessy. It’s about overcoming intimate partner abuse. Good luck.
Dear God, I knew I wasn’t crazy. I’ve been very stuck in my therapy growth because this same thing happened to me and my husband was scapegoating me too. It was mobbing! Tragically my husband killed himself a few days before our divorce was final. I was blamed for that too. I’m still working on getting unstuck from the horror show.
It is extremely shocking and more painful during the divorce process, I know - had the same or similar painful experience. Very sorry that you had a similar experience. Love and Support for you.
It's really helpful that-at the end you explain what types of feelings and experiences healthy recovery looks like. A lot of scapegoated people have no context of what it should feel like to be healthy and happy in a reasonable context.
Very true. I'll do a video just on that - good idea, thank you.
Without communication, there is no relationship.
Without respect, there is no love.
Without trust, there is no reason to continue.
I have a bizarre reality. I left home and moved away and had a life very different from the misery my mother told me to expect. I went no contact with my family before it was a thing. When my mother got cancer, I did visit her; she told me I caused it. When she was terminal, my brother told me to come home and be her caretaker like a daughter was supposed to. I refused. I was not willing to give up the life that had been given to me when I believed they just wanted me back in my old role, but I felt guilty, and it did affect my life. I have had breast cancer twice. Once someone told me I had the same problem but did not have to have the same outcome. I will be 80 this week, and I am still here, but I think I have imposter syndrome. I have plans to celebrate my birthday. I don''t expect gifts or anything. People may not come to what I have planned. I will celebrate whatever happens.
Hi Orah, my research on family scapegoating abuse did reveal that many adult survivors experience Impostor Syndrome. Were you able to read my book yet (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed)? I do mention Impostor Syndrome in my book and I plan to eventually do a video on FSA and Impostor Syndrome as well. I'd also like to wish you a splendid Birthday and I hope you celebrate YOU, including your courage and commitment to protecting yourself from further scapegoating abuse.
I purchased your book. I have not started reading it yet.@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Every suggestion I make is either dismissed or ignored. Things I've learned through research are scoffed at. I'm not allowed to ever be right. Only the narcissist is allowed to be right.
Yep. Those are the rules in this 'rigged' game' in a narcissistic family system.
OMG! This was SO spot-on for me. Every word you said has been my exact experience. The validation you provided in this video is incredibly valuable and cathartic. Thank you so much for the work you do.
Lovely to meet you here - I just subscribed to your channel and may want to connect down the road...And so glad to hear that this reflected (and validated) your experiences. One of the reasons I recently created this channel!
Thank you Rebecca,
I am blown away by your work. It is fantastic and so helpful!
I am 82 years old, a PhD, a successful author. I did @ 10 years of psychotherapy with an excellent therapist. I’m knowledgeable about Family Systems Theory, but your perspective is totally new to me. But totally relevant!!
I have bought and read your book plus watched most of your on-line material.
At first I was sceptical. I did not think I was any kind of empath, but your work provoked very deep reflection leading to the conclusion that I am definitely the family empath.
But I certainly did not think I had ever suffered FSA.
But more reflection led to the conclusion that I did suffer and still suffer FSA and my children are still suffering from it.
It’s been like years of psychotherapy in less than a week!!!!
Thank you!!!!!
Moira, I am thrilled to see you here on RUclips. I wanted to ask how I can get a copy of your book, which I looked up after you wrote to me on my blog. It looks fascinating - was this your dissertation? And so happy to know that your personal and clinical awareness has expanded and you are able to identify with having suffered from FSA. Another lovely lady in her eighties wrote to me after I first published my FSA book. I will never forget what she said: "Thank you for helping me to understand what happened to me in my family. Although they are now all gone, having a name for what I endured has finally brought me some peace." May this be true for you as well.
Thank you so much for your videos shining light on this important role in dysfunctional family dynamics. I am the youngest of five and shared the SG role with 3rd oldest sister who died in 2011. I had been NC with fam for about 10 yrs when she died and her illness - which I know was the family system that killed her - and we all reunited then. As a therapist I was cautious to be back around them; no one had therapy or awareness of the addictions and narc in the family so no one grew or changed. The honeymoon period lasted about 2 yrs and I tried to get oldest sister - the one given all the power by inept parents - into therapy to address the fam narrative she was allowed to create and all the flying monkeys followed her but shockingly at the last minute she bailed. I was in the Navy for 4 yrs and completed 2 masters and no one congratulated me. No one acknowledged my education accomplishments - part time pre online learning, my undergrad took 10 yrs because I was in the military and had lived in 5 different countries. No one asked which European country I liked the most or anything about my experiences. Now I run a VA Women's Mental Health Clinic and been NC again now about 7+ yrs. The other part to this was my mother and siblings so against my going into mental health. They were very vocal about their thoughts how ridiculous I was when all along it was them being threatened by my differentiation, authenticity, and independence. But to your point the hope to be seen, heard, witnessed, acknowledged, remains even with siblings. It has been so painful to accept that this is way it is and we're getting older now and it will never change. I didn't get a family in this life and it sucks. Again thank you for what you're doing and look forward to continued watching and healing.
Hi Elizabeth, thank you for taking the time to comment. RUclips held your comment for some reason, but I hope you can see it now, and my response. No doubt you strongly related to experiences 1 and 3 in this video. I always say that those of use who end up working in the field of mental health have some extra rocks in our backpack to carry. Therapists stand for open, healthy systems - the opposite of what happens in dysfunctional families that scapegoat. BTW, check out our community board - you will be interested in our subscriber question of the week, which I'll post the answer to tomorrow (Wednesday). Hope you subscribe and I'd love to hear more from you.
congratulations on all your wonderful accomplishments...you are so capable. i share your pain. Peace be with you always.
I'M so proud of you! ❤️🌹👍🎉🍾🎊💯🙂You are freaking amazing and thank you for your service.
This really resonated with me. I was a companionate child to my narcissistic father. At 18 he looked at me as he munched on the sandwiche I had brought him for his lunch and he said in a kindly tone:" Mally, you will never have to worry about being loved for your looks." Within a year I had married an abuser. A sex addict. A sadist. Whom I divorced after 10 years. I raised two kids as a single mother making my goal to be available to pick my kids up after school. I had been a poet and a stay at home mother w no experience in business. I started a health magazine and grossed 75K the first year. With no experience. Just as you say. There was very little acknowledgement of my accomplishment. 30 years latter my father looked at me sadly after my long and moderately successful career and shook his head looking at the ground darkly: "What a pity," he said, again in a kindly tone,"What a real pity you were never able to use your talents in your life!" It is the stuff delivered in the kindly tone that delivers the worst kind of cognitive dissonance.
What an energetic punch in the gut. The kindly tone delivering cruelty. Not sure if you saw my video on empaths and scapegoating - linking it to you here: ruclips.net/video/j2lhgSMiTQw/видео.html
thanks so much--I JUST saw this...@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
If later in life after clarity we meet people such as these, we would walk away. But, since they're blood relatives, there are different dynamics at play and we are either stuck with them until we are old enough to leave, or, we succumb to societal pressures to remain connected. Me, I'm embracing the peace from no contact more and more. No more to the bizarre realities.
Yes! This is the gift of awareness and eventual 'radical acceptance' of the true situation.
Just today another go around with my 67 year old brother. I don't have a day in my 62 years free of fear, shame and wickedness at times I wish I had never been born. Thank you for the words it was Not your fault. What could I have done wrong at 3 months old? God help them more than us. Such giving over to evil is hard to have compassionforbut knowing what persecution feels like I cannot wish it to the worst and pray God's word, that none should perish but all know the Lord God. Thank
Lord God my family lives too far away to have to actually see and call display is a gift. God bless you beautiful scapegoats with all the good you had taken by abully!!!!!!!! Stay loving and kind and you win in the end it is the devil using them to be a#holes.
Finding your book on family scapegoating opened my eyes to deeply embedded shame 😞 It was the first step toward my healing journey.
I'm so glad my book found its way to you when you most needed it. And wonderful to see you here, Deborah, thank you for subscribing!
I'm the scapegoat as I make the others feel inadequate, they can't celebrate my success as it's a constant reminderof their failure. To the point that my mother could not accept that I am a governor at the medical facility where she has been treatment for cancer, my photo and name plaque is on the wall in the entrance foyer.
I've come to accept their lives are utterly miserable hence are reduced to lashing out at me. They reappear when they hit rock bottom and I drag them out of the dirt before them start dumping on me again.
Sounds like you may be the 'family therapist" (Empath); the pattern you describe mirrors the abuse cycle associated with domestic violence, btw.
I might add that just as many of us have been alienated from our own adult children who have been turned against us by our family of origin.
Rhonda, you are spot on with your comment. I'm going to do a dedicated video on this. This can particularly be the case when parents that scapegoat an adult child turn their grandchildren against their own parent. I see this often, sadly.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes. It happened to me. I havent seen my adult son in over 2 years now. I was never so shocked in my life as the day he moved out and left a note saying I'd never see him again. A very real part of me died that day. I lost 60 pounds in just a few months and am still very underweight but I'm just beginning to heal again. I at least see more clearly how this happened and how I unintentionally assisted in his conditioning. I was only 14 when I had my son. I was an abused child still very much under my mothers control and abuse. She had way to much influence in my son's formative years. She treated him like the son she always wanted (she had 3 girls) and I was just happy that she loved him. I know now that she didnt love him at all but I'm grown now. I also parented him with a lot of guilt and treated him like a golden child. He is autistic and I over protected and overcompensated while my family criticized my every move in front of him. Well... I'm sure you know how this dynamic is played out. It's ironic and torturous that my only son that I lived and breathed for has joined with my family of origin and blaming me saying that I am abusive. My son lived at home with me until the day he disappeared at age 36. I now see that as unintentional abuse but by no means the type of abuse my family claims. They are accusing me of doing to my son the things they did to me. I honestly cant take any more trauma in this life.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I had to leave my hometown in Arkansas because my rage scared me... If I had run into my mother or one of my sisters at walmart or something after what they've done to me and my son I would end up in jail. I'm not a violent person nor abusive in any way. I'm the opposite to a fault in fact but I had a rage in me that truly scared me. I have been traveling, living in my camper with my 3 dogs ever since. They are all I have left. I love my dogs too much to leave them or I wouldn't be alive today. I'm glad (now) that I'm still alive. I have a purpose and a right to be here and I've been doing a lot of inner child work and learning to love and comfort and validate myself. Ive gotten a lot out of therapy over the years since 2014 when I first went no contact with my family. But what Ivr been doing these past 2 years alone in the woods is more spiritual than anything and I'm certainly not well yet... but I'm starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I wish there were words to Express how much of a help you and your work have been to me. I'm sorry for the long comments lol
@@rhondahernandez9983 this is awful for you. Sending you compassion.
I had my first child at 18. My adult son is now 37 with two kids of his own. We've been estranged for 7 years now. Do not know my grandchildren. My son sided with my family too. This is a horrible situation for people like us. I am sorry this happened to you. You are not alone.
yep. My husband disclosed his addictive habits resulting in me having severe betrayal trauma, yet my mother and his mother supported him completely. My mother put him in higher esteem, and his mother is using it as a way to bond with him-even elevating him higher into golden- child status. He grew up as the invisible child, but now she is showering him with her affection because she feels guilty. I'm just out here trying to survive after going no-contact w/mom and trying to make sense of it all.
I hope the Family Systems-research supported approach I use in my book and videos helps you to make better of something that ultimately may seem incomprehensible.
New to your channel.
I was the scapegoat or invisible.
Until NM needed a scapegoat.
Started my healing journey at age sixty three.
IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT
Thank you
Peace 💕🇺🇲
No - it never was. Blessings.
The last confrontation I had with my cover narcissistic mother precisely involved her actively minimizing me and my achievements. I am a tenured professor at one of the world's most prestigious universities, and when I went home I met with the head of a local university. After the meeting she says "you should be thankful, he is an important man and he agreed to make time for you." I was puzzled. I said "sure, but I'm important too!" She says "no, you're not as important as him." Then she looks at my father and says "this guy has a big head doesn't he." I told her " a normal mother would celebrate and even aggrandize her child's success, but you're not normal." I went no-contact only a few months later. Best decision ever. I'm happy to hear this deliberate trivialization of the scapegoat's success is not just something that happens to me.
Also, speaking of imposter syndrome, every time I came home from school with a trophy or a medal, my nmom would laugh and say: "you are the only one I know who can win trophies without doing anything."I have a ton of these examples. Maybe one day I'll write an autobiography called the bizarre reality of a former scapegoat. I will give you credit for the title :)
I was the chosen family scapegoat by my family
I am so very sorry to hear this, Meloney. But you are in the right place - please consider reading my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, if you haven't already. Many find it to be very helpful.
Your work is so important, so validating.
I never heard my life described so well, all acknowledged, no denial.
My 40ties gone by I decided I was no more the age to take the shit from anyone and let them bully me. I went no contact. I stopped waiting for that magical "sorry, we were wrong to treat you that way". I still hoped to be understood one day, I guess we never stop hoping for the justice. But I'm not waiting anymore. Because, anyway, it would be 40 years too late, so what's the point. These 40 years of being rejected and isolated won't be redeemed.
Truer words were never said. And even if a "repair" attempt of some kind was made toward the FSA target by family members, they would also have to commit sincerely to never engaging in this type of psycho-emotional abuse again. And that's where you usually lose them...
Thank you so much. This is my life. All three have happened to me. It has been devastating. Not only with my family but continues in my work life. It’s so hard to get past this especially if you constantly get knocked down no matter how hard you work. In fact the harder you try, the worse they get. Its weird you develop so much self doubt from years of covert insults and at the same time you know you have at least some talent but fear being successful , because you have been given the “message” that you don’t amount to anything of value or you are not allowed to be more successful than the others. You must always be the one at the bottom. On so many levels they are completely indifferent towards you but still keeping an eye on you to make sure you don’t do anything they perceive as a threat to their own successes. No matter what they say or have done, they take zero accountability and smear your reputation for not taking accountability for the positions you find yourself in and tell you to just get over it or stop playing the victim. You can’t because it never stops.
You sum these dynamics up quite efficiently. I would add that often they do not have any "successes" to protect; hence, plain ol' jealousy can play a part in the scapegoating dynamics at times.
The three hit home! I'm a well-known art critic and my sister was an artist who died in obscurity never ever resorting to me for a review. My mother seemed to ignore my career and when she died I found out she kept stacks of newspaper clippings documenting my achievements. It might have been a weapon for her against her rich and envied frenemy, who clipped the news for her. A few years ago, my two brothers believed the lies of the neighbours who were scapegoating me and that's how I almost never saw my nephew again, since out of shame I would not dare to visit. I have Imposter syndrome. I nearly cried watching this video. Never in my life have I felt so seen. Thank you forever!
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us here. These scenarios are quite real, as attested to by so many who comment here, as well as via my original Family Systems / FSA research.
Exactly.!!! No matter what I have accomplished it is always pointed out to me how it's not quite good enough or how someone else accomplished more. My parents, especially my mother trained my siblings to always treat me in hateful ways.
We still love and we still care to our own detriment.
So very true - especially for those who are 'empath' / caretaker types.
I h
ad to listen to this twice. I have been living this very real hell most of my life. You are right. The people in my life that have done this to me feel no shame in harming innocent people..They seem to get something out of it and have no intention of apolizing or making it right. What a sad mess they make of other peoples lives.
Hi Teresa, I have a video on my home page here on RUclips that discusses why dysfunctional family members are unlikely to ever apologize to the scapegoated child / adult child. It is based on my article here, which I hope you will find helpful. Link to video included: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/08/14/5-reasons-your-family-wont-apologize-for-scapegoating-you/
My mom used and abused me until I was 50 years old. NO emotional support only used and abused. It never stops EVER!!
Particularly true if a parent is a malignant narcissist or has strong narcissistic traits.
Such experiences hit home so hard I was crying. I must have subconsciously known about the toxicity of my family as I moved out immediately and high school graduation.
Unfortunately I didn't truly understand until my longtime former alcoholic Narcissist Father had already passed, extra trauma experienced by him as I was 4 when parents divorced and was the mini me in looks to my mother, who had no experience of emotional support & therefore none to provide me. I was being cheated on by my husband, who was also engaging in a smear campaign & I was being ghosted by both my family as well as my husbands. I could go on for hours. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I've now have had a breakdown due to additional family members and need help. I'm living with my Cousin and she's still scapegoat me unconsciously along with the rest of my family. I'm so emotionally distressed I've been diagnosed with major depression disorder, anxiety and I am also ADHD... I've had good and bad therapists... However I am not working, no health insurance ect, and I'm realizing i always seem to put on my game face when I do see a therapist. Any suggestions for assistance for therapy and how to show & share my true emotions with a therapist, since I revert back to what Dad taught me. Game face never let anyone see you sweat . Thank you for giving me a voice and a tribe of my own that understands the truth. Your awesome.
Happy to have you here. You have had a difficult life - and so much scapegoating - such struggles you have endured. I am not able to provide individual guidance on this channel, as noted in my disclaimer, but I can refer you to my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', where I list treatment pathways and resources for FSA adult survivors. I also have free articles on my blog at scapegoatrecovery.com/blog. Do not give up hope that help is available - you may have to knock on a few more doors, but my book will give you some ideas of what doors to knock on. I would also suggest that you be assessed for complex trauma symptoms, as many people who experience FSA have C-PTSD.
So true. When I finally confronted my father and asked him why he didn’t step in and stop the abuse (I was an adult, just got divorced and my narc mother and ex joined forces against me and tried to drive a wedge between my son and I ) all he said with a shrug was “I have to live with her”. I went NC but still live under the shadow of that abuse and hatred. It’s difficult to uncover who you really are after a lifetime of a personality that was nothing more than survival mode. I never got to be me .. never loved or respected. Having to learn to love myself is a hard road
Hi Sharon, you may want to watch the video I released this past Saturday (5/13) on toxic shame and scapegoating. I discuss briefly 'the complicity of silence'. Which supports and contributes this form of psycho-emotional abuse.
At a family function I told my mom about my promotion to Director(I have a master's and work in the medical field) she harshly told me to be quiet because my brother (the golden child) was working on a puzzle (an easter child's puzzle). We were both in our 40's. Later that year I finally went no contact with the lot of them. Best decision ever.
Painful - but very powerful - example.
My first husband turned out to be a pedophile and my golden child sister decided to take his side. My parents even pushed me and my two under 5 children back to him! In the end my aunt got me to a good lawyer and it went to high court in central London...
I mentioned this in my last video Saturday on the Cry for Help response - Many scapegoated family members DO end up in court. They often win their case. They are NOT 'telling tales' or making things up. The abuses I speak of in my work on FSA are REAL.
I'm glad to watch these videos , and believe it is what use to plague me . I achieved some small success now and so " came away " from the shame and total lack of self worth that I indulged in for most of my life . A recent visit from my brother ( all family is involved ) confirmed my suspicion as no comment was made about a beautiful boat I built, but instead was harrassed over my lack of his brand of beer . For hours . As stated , I feel that I've moved beyond this poison, but it use to prevent me from working on my own because ,I would be so angry at my family I couldn't get anything done . Toxic memory owned me . Thanks for your help.
You're welcome. Here's my resource list in case you're seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
This is so true. My friends have always told me I'm everything my family tells me I'm not.
Yes. And if our friends are not delusional, then what does that mean? (!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse the family projection system is a form of shared psychosis about the narrative of the scapegoat.?
@@taraarrington2285 It is similar to a shared psychosis - but not diagnosably so. But it is an accurate way of describing the distorted reality that is adopted by the entire family system (or social system) as they project their unconscious 'disowned parts' (shadow) onto the individual or the collective (racism would be an example of the latter - the deluded belief that a race can be inferior due to how much melanoma is in their skin).
Achievements ignored, siding with ex, no matter what I’ve done it wasn’t good enough, yep, experienced all of this. Thank you for the reminder I am not alone! I’m grieving so much right now but relieved at the same time as I never deserved this.
The grieving is the step that often inadvertently gets skipped when it comes to parental abuse. When an adult survival is able to grieve - and grieve fully - as well as acknowledge any feelings of injustice and 'righteous rage' - they are on their way to a state of 'radical acceptance' - and deep healing will be possible. I hope you are currently able to embrace your grief, for this reason.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much! I so need to remind myself that it’s ok to grieve. I’m not being “negative and stuck in the past” but finally grieving what I have been avoiding looking at my entire life.
You had mentioned children whose broken bones were denied and medical attention delayed- I had thought that was something unique to me. My family insisted my swollen arm and uncontrollable crying (I was 6) were just attention-seeking behavior.
I was actually surprised myself when I saw my FSA research results. This happens quite often, and it has happened to many of my scapegoated therapy and coaching clients as well.
I'm so lucky to have found Rebecca and to have had her help in identifying the effects of my FSA on my life. Truly life-changing.
Thank you, Cindy - wonderful to hear - and more videos to come!
*BIZARRE* I live in a different State than my adult children. My daughter got engaged. My sister had a party for her and had no intention of telling me. Of course my daughter told me beforehand, and afterwards sent me pictures. The engagement party looked like a Wedding !! When I called my sister to thank her, she wouldn’t take my call. If she wasn’t scapegoating me, she would’ve told me, and invited me to come and stay at her house. I thought when I moved she’d be completely out of my life. NOPE !! She’s still finding ways to hurt me. I That’s only one of my bizzare example.
Bizarre, indeed. You can't make this stuff up!
Thank you so very much!! I thought I was alone or crazy. You’ve validated my life’s experiences. I never knew there were people in this world that would/could do such horrific damage to another’s life. They took everything; even my children. I am no contact and will remain this way. I have peace now.
I am glad to hear it, but obviously, your peace came at a price, and, I would imagine, after much invalidation and suffering...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse You’re right. I’m 72 now; it all goes back to my earliest memories. Truly sick parents covertly controlling my entire life until 2014. I’ve been putting puzzle pieces together ever since being discarded by all including a smear campaign throughout. Thank you again for validating my puzzle. I’m blown away to find these pieces and where they have lead me. Unbelievable! ❤️🌈🍀
Speaking of puzzle pieces: Do read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', if you haven't yet. Many people write me to tell me it filled in MANY blanks and gaps in their understanding of what happened to them in their family...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I purchased your book this morning. I read about a quarter of it; had to curl up in my safe place; took a two hour nap; VALIDATION PLUS! 😭. Thank you!!
I hope you find my book helpful!
I would also add that toxic family members actively try to sabotage you behind your back. So not only do they refuse to acknowledge your accomplishments, they make sure you don’t have accomplishments to be acknowledged ( within their power of influence).
I have an Evil Triad in my family: mother, sister, a brother. My sister actually enjoys watching me fail, being bullied, watching me crumble into tears. You can’t wipe the grin of delight off her face. She will acknowledge what’s she’s doing when confronted but couldn’t care less. I’ve even witnessed her having an orgasm (think of When Harry met Sally) when she saw a neighbour embarrassing me in public. These 3 even pushed my oldest brother to attempt suicide. The fact he lived is a miracle. My sister has tried to kill 2 of us that I know of just out of jealousy. No one can emphasize enough how evil these ppl are.
OMG This is the one and only time you’ve made me cry! I try and be strong but this video hit me like a freight train.
I’ve been a nurse and midwife for 27 years yet they go to my golden child sister who is a cleaner for health advice!
You really couldn’t make this shit up could you? Thank you Rebecca. This video was a little slice of heaven for me.
You really can't make it up. This came up so often in my FSA research that it is a definite feature of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
I have been working very hard to overcome borderline personality disorder for the past 2 1/2 years since my diagnosis at age 50. I took full responsibility for my actions in the past that were influenced by it. I struggle very much in my life because of it and I am in a low socioeconomic category because of the pain I have been in all my life. My family doesn't even acknowledge my amazing progress, which I've made completely on my own without any help besides awesome RUclips videos like this and a very kind therapist. No wonder I have been feeling like I must not be making progress, it must all be in my head. I've been thinking that I must deserve to be ignored and watch everyone else have reunions without me. The worthlessness has completely saturated me. Thank you for this video and for all of your videos because now I know I can start to heal and now I know that I deserve better.
You're very welcome. You may want to check out my Substack as well: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about
Feeling Alone Is One Of My Biggest Problems. So Anything That Can Address That In Anyway Is Helpful. I'm Trying Daily To Recognise Similarity In My Story With Others Story's. Really Hard Work.
I commend you, John, for breaking out of the isolation, which often is due to toxic shame. Glad you're here - and you may find my book helpful, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. You are definitely not alone!
Love your video 🙏🏾 Everything you said is correct! I went no contact 20 years ago and - have not looked back, and I’ve had therapy, from a scapegoat specialist. Thank you.
Thank you - glad to have you here!
I just can't get enough of your videos. As a 64 year old scapegoated survivor, I need to hear your wisdom. I have your book as well. Thank you
Hi Debra, this means a lot to me. I was not at all expecting to find so many people interested in my work on FSA here on YT, so I thank you (and everyone here in our growing community) as well!
This is lovely. This is amaazing. ABSOLUTELY NUTS but AMAAZING. It's also very sickening, but Thank-you so much.
You're welcome. I released episode 2 a week or so ago, it is on my playlist on my channel home page.
Thank you Rebecca. Your book, articles and this channel are the most helpful resource I have found alongside therapy.
You have such insight and wisdom and speak from the heart.
My experiences echo your examples but with a twist: my marriage is strong and healthy but that’s not acknowledged. My ex employer was a toxic bully but my decision to leave was not supported by my Mum. It wasn’t overtly criticised, just not supported. I always get this sense it’s me when she doesn’t give me the support I (used to) look for and self doubt is an ongoing battle. I am learning to parent my inner child and ALSO know it’s ok to reach out to others for support when I need it. My job as a maths tutor means changing childrens’ perceptions of themselves, celebrating them and building trust (which also goes unacknowledged by my Mum). Watching your video made me realise my work is about giving children what I didn’t have and that it’s helping me heal.
I wonder if a lot of scapegoats actually achieve highly partly because we are trying to disprove this notion that we are on some level bad?
I would love to hear more about very subtle psychological/emotional abuse. I find I am very prone to tell myself I don’t belong to the scapegoat role or narcissistic abuse etc if I hear anything that is more overt than what I experienced (and still experiencing). My Dad is a narcissist and it’s easier to identify his abuse. My Mum was a passive enabler and now subtly gas lights me and denies everything even though she left him years ago.
Thanks again.
Hi Eleanor, thank you for sharing some of your story here. In one of the first articles I published about my FSA research, I called it a most "subtle and insidious" form of 'invisible' (psycho-emotional) abuse. So you are spot-on there. Your story mirrors the stories of many, many people in my clinical practice and those of my research respondents - and my own. I will definitely be doing videos on the insidious and subtle aspects of FSA, and if you haven't already, my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' will no doubt help you understand what happened to you in your family even better. And yes, I can say without a doubt many FSA adult survivors are high achievers. It is also a way of avoiding feeling the trauma of what happened - to be busy, striving, and pushing forward - for some, they are always "on the run." It can be a form of 'flight' response if one has complex trauma, but this type of survivor certainly gets a lot done! Make sure you subscribe and tap the notification bell so you are notified when my new videos come out. I will definitely talk about all of this, at length, as I can.
Thank you, it’s so heartening to be validated as being ‘worthy’ of this community (rather than succumbing to the minimising and dismissal). Your book was life changing for me and I am going to read it again! Thanks again.
You will never be good enough to earn their:
1. Respect
2. Support
3. Love
..and you DON'T NEED IT. You got this good without it.
Love this!
- My mother invited my abuser (my bullying, actually later diagnosed psychologically ill, sadistic French host sister) to stay with them in return and expected me to welcome her and be kind. And this wasn’t the only bully she actively invited and defended. She even kept a babysitter who was cruel and physically abusive.
- I was singing a difficult duet with a friend, we had so much fun and were happy. I was a girl and it was the first time my voice carried and had natural vibrato - my mother listened with a frown and told me not to sing so professionally. You will make your friend feel bad, she said. He was singing as well and with as much heart as I did, so it was ridiculous, but it shut me up and stopped our singing nevertheless.
- She tried to keep me from visiting my father at the hospital when he was treated for cancer. And she visited him only after I went and treated me as if I had gone behind her back and tried to be first with her husband…my father.
Thank you for recommending this particular video. I’m crying but literally feeling the fog lifting. I feel validated. I’ve got work to do, I’m ready to break the cycle.
You're welcome - You might want to check out my Substack where I publish on FSA (and have a community) as well. It's on my resource list here, along with my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Oh yeah whatever I do it's dismissed....I've had my own business and my narc mother abused me for it when I was in my late 40s....cos I didn't run it past them....your not allowed to buy a house or do anything without there permission. I'm the only one of 3 that does what I want. I'm the scapegoat the eldest one....
Kelly, thank you for your comments - Sounds like you related to all of these! I'll be doing more in this series. I hope you subscribe, sounds like you will relate to much of what I discuss here.
Yes, IMO, you sound like you were Infantilized.
This confirms everything I felt all my life, realized. What a difficult challenge to live against this family resistance, chains to hold you back.
However, once the FSA adult survivor unchains themselves from the dysfunction, they have a chance to know freedom and liberation in a way that their family members who remain unconscious to the dynamics that entrap them ever will.
Oh wow this is right on. Thanks heavens people can be this honest. The experience is off the charts challenging, saddening, and isolating. Especially with gaslighting and utterly odd mind games. From mom no less. Mom has to look like a good mother at all costs. Which means as a daughter, I got in trouble, a lot. There were always threats as to how I’d survive without the epic generosity of (cnpd) motherhood. The only time my talents count at all, are when I can help her, although my talents still don’t really count to her. I’d say I don’t count to her, but I think her me is an idea she has created from a broken soul complex or some twisted lack of self worth. I don’t know. It’s hard to discover the love wasn’t real to begin with. The duress is a form of harm. The cortisol overload is a form of harm. The slander, isolation trickery, and gaslighting as well as diminishment velocities are all harmful. The having to counsel the daylights out of yourself is costly as we could be doing other meaningful enjoyable progressive skills also. I’m not allowed to feel strong confident or interesting because I’d pose a threat to her anyone relationship plans. It’s unbelievable to recognize my moms idea of me is worse than mine of cleaning the toilet. But WE are suppose to be sweet peaceful smart accomplished adults. We, except for the Wierd thing called me she holds over the …do you mind, like an umbrella. Mom has not one inkling of asking about me authentically, but she can tell what she knows!! Behind my back. I’m too much and never enough and always due to submit, even if she did something unkind, she will immediately gaslight turn the table so I’m to feel the stress. I think it’s because the stress she feels deflects as she is not able to process certain emotions and track the obscurity or obsurdity. She couldn’t apologize if it was for eternal joy on the one request of knowing how it’s relevant to my experience and feelings and voice. She also can’t do the math and figure out which one of us has, how often, for what reason, instinct, feelings, concerns… it’s shockingly simple math. Perhaps I should kiss frogs, wear pumpkin vehicles and mop the basement of palaces till I am light as a cobweb. I could sing, we’re such good people, moms the greatest person, we we we all the way home. Then there’s the chorus.
Your writing style - the rhythm and cadence, along with the concepts and experiences you rapidly convey - is breathtaking. Regarding this that you write, " Mom has not one inkling of asking about me authentically, but she can tell what she knows!! Behind my back." Classic. Yes, behind one's back. Right next to the knife they have already thrusted in.
I appreciate this so much, can you make a video telling the inverse where you actually internalized the scapegoat identity to survive and it inhibits your life and you can never accomplish much because of impostor syndrome and self sabotage, I've been so depressed most of my life that this has debilitated my life and fills me with that much more shame and sort of validates what my family says and thinks about me.
Hi Janiece, yes, I can. I hope you will also read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. I have a chapter in there on 'Toxic Shame' - this is unconscious shame that can be debilitating life-long when unaddressed. It goes along with impostor syndrome. And I do hope you will subscribe - I appreciate the topic suggestions from viewers very much.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Your book is phenomenal and helped me crawl out of this rut in my 50's, I found a very helpful support group on Facebook last year, I have subscribed and share from your website, I was so happy to find you on RUclips, the group owner often shares from your book, Thank you for the validating and important work that you do, I'm just trying to get my life together in my 50's after going NC 14 months ago and I want to help & support others as well so they don't spend a lifetime spinning their wheels as I have and getting to their 50's with so much to overcome.
@@janiececooper6758 So sorry, only now just saw your reply - and now I don't even see your reply from 2 weeks ago, weird! I'm happy to hear my book helped you and that others are getting something out of it as well. It is NEVER too late to recovery from FSA. I hear from people in their eighties that the psycho-education in my book helped them understand what happened to them in their family and gave them some well-deserved peace.
Wow! A huge weight just evaporated from my shoulders. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you, Rebecca. It feels validating to know that I am not alone.
You're welcome. You may want to subscribe to my Substack Newsletter as well (free - paid subscribers can access private community features): familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about
Came back to watch this video again. The last story makes me think of my daughter who is a professional ballerina. Exacting clean technique is mandatory to achieve the professional level, as I would imagine it would be as well for opera, so I can imagine. My daughter is demanding of herself and at her professional status my role changed because I tell her I cannot advise her at this level as I could when she was growing up. Then, I sought the best for her classical training. Those instructors and coaches during her growing years would share with me the status of her training development. I am now removed from that, as she is on her own to achieve and be successful in her career. I remind her to be kind to herself because her high expectations can be hard. I know of professionals who developed auto immune diseases under the strain of pressure to perform in these extreme competitive circumstances. I tell my daughter that she needs to take care of herself as her “facility” (her body), as they term it in professional ballet, is her instrument. Her body is her career. Injuries and illnesses end the ballet quest just about every time; it typically is not by the dancer’s choice. I am thankful at this point to be able to be in a position that I unable to advise and instead simply let her know that she presented her breathtakingly beautiful aesthetic for her appreciative audience. I add however in her extraordinary accomplishment of becoming a professional (which the percentages of doing so far surpass those of becoming a professional football player - everyone is shocked at that statistic), my birth family ho hums at this and do not see her performances. We used to invite them for every performance (only about 3/year) when my girls were growing up, which I paid for all tickets and some great expense to our family, and some of those ended being no shows without even a phone call of why they didn’t come after all after they said they would and I paid for $150 tickets per person. No word, and I knew not to ask. Thankfully my daughters did not dwell on it and seemed to move on to the next thing in their kid lives. I don’t know if that was where they really were inside, or if they always wondered and even were hurt by it, but I dared not ask. This older daughter now lives in another state for her job and we travel to see her in her performances. I know how hard she has worked all her life to achieve what others also wanted but few were able to, because it requires as much mental and emotional fortitude as it does the technical and physical training.
Btw I ordered your book today!
I ordered the more durable hard back.
The fact that her parents were there will overshadow the grandparents being MIA. I think children are initially confused by the grandparents being a no-show and sometimes hurt, but typically not as hurt and confused as their parent feels regarding the lack of interest their own parents exhibit toward their grandchild's accomplishments (you, perhaps, in this case)! Again, this came up often in my research on FSA.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse ❤
Spot on - am a licensed therapist and I have been brutally scapegoated - really started happening after my dad died. My mom led the attacks in a very passive way. I have done a lot of performing as a vocal musician. They did not believe me when I left an abusive marriage. And now my son's wife has scapegoated me since she joined our family. I have been mobbed by people including "friends" that came to my other son's wedding and shamed me because my son and his wife have refused to see me and have kept my grandchildren from me over petty grievances. Her being threatened by my love for my grandchildren. She love bombs and then drops people and I was on the receiving end. These 'friends" that I haven't seen in years and are in contact with my son were blaming me at my son's wedding and didn't want to hear my side. Couldn't wait to dig into me as soon as they saw me. I was in shock.
Lovely to have you here, Lauren - I love having so many therapists here on my channel. I also am a singer (lyrical Soprano/Coloratura)! Yes, these things really happen. Been there myself and my clinical work and research on what I ended up naming 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) validates these experiences. Linking you to a playlist with clinical emphasis - also, my survivor resource list. Playlist: ruclips.net/p/PLXSLEoZOeKOEoeIx75TNU59TjSc2YHo7W&si=jBET89pqYLIzFm40
Resource list: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you Rebecca - oh wow - I am a Soprano as well! Your work has been so helpful to me and really has helped me identify what has been happening. Also helped with my sanity!
Good to hear!!
So eye-opening. I hope more therapists will learn about FSA. This is a very specific type of family dysfunction. It's great to have it explained with examples in this video.
I hope so too! Good to have you here, Shellie.